# Son says violent things



## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

My son is 7. For a little back story: he’s always been SUPER emotional. He has always been high anxiety, upset about everything, nothing is right, pessimist. But he’s also very sweet and loving.

His dad and I divorced two years ago. He started acting out a lot after that, very angry, saying violent things. He went to play therapy for a year. His behavior got better and the therapist really wasn’t worried about him. 

One thing remains: when he gets upset, he says violent or mean things. He clearly doesn’t process properly. But he’s always been well behaved at school, until this year. He’s gotten into trouble a few times for saying mean or violent things to other kids. Today he said he wanted to cut someone’s head off. 

I am not sure how to address this issue at his age and hoping some more experienced parents than I can offer some advice. 

I will say we are very natural minded; spanking, putting hot sauce on his tongue or soap in his mouth etc will not be happening and I ask that those types of things are not suggested. 

I’ve read that this sort of language is normal for kids around 5 as they can’t always express themselves and lash out, or see that it gets a rise out of people. But he is a little older now and we need to get this under control. 

Has anyone else dealt with this?

Thanks!


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

Subbing cuz this should be interesting. I know a nine year old who acts quiet similar to what you describe - gets really angry and doesn't seem to know how to deal with it - so I'll be interested to see what people say.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I don't have experience with this specifically, but has he been evaluated by a therapist? Could he have some difficulties processing things that would make it more difficult for him to handle his emotions? This sounds like something that needs to be dealt with by getting a professional involved - though by the sounds of it, you already have. Are you sure that person is helping your son? I have deal with some very incompetent professionals when it came to dealing with my son so don't hesitate to look elsewhere. Your son's future depends on it. Don't be afraid to advocate for him. 

That said, you also need to have a plan as a parent. I fully agree with you that violent methods have no place in child-rearing, but I assume there are consequences to him saying these things? At 7, he still needs immediate and proportionate consequences to help him self-regulate his emotions since he doesn't yet have that ability. A very quick, non-negotiable reaction is important, but it's also very important that you don't show emotions when you tell him (and reinforce) the consequence. You want to think of it as you just providing the equal and opposite reaction to his behavior, but without getting emotionally invested. I know it's hard, but stay neutral in the moment. Don't express anger, sadness or tell him how much you love him. Tell him this behavior = that consequence, and do it every single time. It doesn't matter how hard it is for you or him, or that he says he hates you. Don't make threats you can't or won't follow through. Be consistent! You can even sit down with him and make a chart of what happens if he says violent things. Lay out the exact consequence, but also include consequence for good behavior. Say he hasn't said anything violent for a week, he gets pizza! Write it on the chart. Put it somewhere he can see it every day. And follow through!


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

A friend's foster son acts a lot like this. He's had some trauma and has anger and trust issues. They're working closely with a therapist on helping him process and control his emotions and he is improving. His school also suggested he be tested for some developmental and behavioral screening. While it didn't appear when he was younger, he is showing some signs of behaviors on the autism spectrum, so that is something they are planning after the holidays.

His therapy has really helped him learn to express his feelings, and now they are working toward appropriate expression since he's better able to understand what he's feeling. For him, stress and anxiety and frustration were manifesting as 'rage and aggression' even though anger wasn't really what he was feeling.

His therapist also stressed that at age 8, he still needs consequences for inappropriate behavior. Allowing him to say awful things to people, or to hit and shove needs to be dealt with, no matter the cause.

A former coworker's autistic son is now in prison at age 18, because his family was told that since he was autistic, he did not need any consequences for his behavior. Well, now that he's aged out of youth facilities and treatment, she came home one day to find him chasing his younger sister through the house with an axe, and called the police for help. Her son then attacked the police officer. He's now in prison, which is not where he needs to be.


Many boys go through a period like this, and often, it's accompanied by saying inappropriate things-- usually heard on television or from another family member or playmate at school. Some of it is normal, but it sounds like you may want to get a professional involved here to develop a game plan for your son, work with him on accurately expressing his emotions, and make sure he's also not hearing what he's not supposed to do being said at school, home, or on tv. Having worked in the educational setting, most kids, especially boys, start mimicking what they're hearing. So if dad says "I wish he'd rip his head off" watching football on Sunday, or they hear it on tv, it's really no surprise when the kids start saying it to a classmate they are frustrated with.


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

If your insurance will cover it, I would suggest taking him to a psychologist for testing. It could be just seven year old acting out but it could also be something else such as ADHD or maybe something in the same family as OCD. 

My son has Tourrettes and while most people associate that with ticks and noises, it can be so much more. He doesn't scream out or bark like they show people doing on television, his ticks and sounds are less noticeable. Many times people don't realize he has it until he is particularly anxious when it gets really noticeable.

The thing with it is that there are a lot of quirks that come with it and it's hard to determine what is him and what is "not" him. For instance, he mutters under his breath when he is told to do something. I get so angry when he does it because I think he's being a smarty pants, but it happens to be one of the cool behaviors that come with it. He also will act or speak before his brain has a chance to stop him. As he's gotten older he has learned to control the physical part of that fairly well but he still will speak before the think tank an stop him.

Obviously your kid isn't showing signs of tourette's but he could have some sort of fun little specialness...

Or - he could be just acting out...


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Regardless of whether there's any... 'specialness' about it, I'd probably at least speak to a psychologist or councellor myself, to get some other ideas of how best to deal, if not get your boy into some therapy himself. Agree especially with Acadian & SM re consequences. Whether you use/agree with 'corporal punishment' or not (I'm not big on it either, but never say never), they still need to learn their actions have consequences. Negative punishment(removing something desirable - privileges) seem to be pretty effective with kids. And, just like I 'go on' about it with training horses, focussing on & rewarding 'right' behaviour is so important too. Perhaps you can find appropriate ways for him to express those feelings & reinforce him for that?

I get soooo fed up with obnoxious kids - and you can hardly blame the kids when they've never been taught - because parents allow it, teachers allow it, everyone seems frightened to actually DO anything these days. Many people want to just... discuss with kids, the way they might with a rational, non emotional adult. I have a friend who has a couple of spoiled brats, because she lets them literally scream at her & kick her & break things & about the harshest thing I've heard her say was 'Mummy doesn't like that darling'. At least she knows better than to cave in to their tantrums. Another friend will allow her children to hit, kick, scream... & after saying no a few times, will say Oh OK, you don't have to eat your vegetables & you can have a bowl of icecream instead'. Or 'OK, you can stay home from school today'. She doesn't get that she is not just allowing it, but REINFORCING it! Those kids are bad enough now. I dread to think what they're going to be like as teenagers. And then to hear some of the stories from my kids about other teens they go to school with... and when the principal doesn't believe in detention or anything - he has implemented something called 'relocation' where 'naughty' kids are sent to another class, to sit in the back of it and spend the time on their ipad or phone... obviously highly effective, when kids will play up just so they can be sent to 'relo'!


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

Really appreciate the responses... I do agree with all of you.

I've always been pretty strict but fair with my kids. They were angles as 2 and 3 year old's, we never had the issues other parents describe. I believe in natural/logical consequences... for when he is mean, the consequence has always been something like "if you can't be nice to people, you can't be around people. You have to go to your room." HATES this, as he hates being alone. I think that's part of his anxiety. He doesn't know how to play by himself etc. Very different from my daughter. 

If anyone has ideas for other logical consequences, I am all ears. They don't have electronics and they rarely are allowed to watch television. Certainly not during the week. He gets to play 30 minutes of a video game on friday afternoons and then we watch some television over the weekend. I am not sure removing that would be effective since it's long removed from the week. I definitely agree with you about not reinforcing negative behavior and I certainly don't do it. 

He was in therapy for a year and saw the school counselor at his old school for a year, but he HAS had a lot of changes this year. Both his dad and I moved into new houses, I remarried, and he started a new school. So it would make sense that he would benefit from more counseling.

Unfortunately his dad is in charge of medical decisions and I am in charge of educational decisions, so all I can do is suggest it and hope he agrees, or take him back to court to get therapy ordered. I will definitely suggest it. 

I want to clarify that this behavior doesn't occur very often, he's not out of control by any stretch of the imagination, but he's getting to that age where he's in school now and he CANNOT be saying these things, especially in the climate we live in these days...I've actually always wondered if he has Sensory Processing Disorder or Aspergers so it's interesting someone else has mentioned Autism. I spoke with a psychologist that I had been seeing for myself about some of my son's issues and he said it sounded like very high anxiety...for example for several years he would only wear very tight clothing, shoes etc. Then for a year he would only wear sweat pants, nothing with a button. He's better about these things now, so I think we've made progress...

Yesterday he and I had a calm discussion about what he did, and that everyone gets overwhelmed with feelings but it's not ok to say violent or mean things, and that there are other ways to handle situations when we feel overwhelmed. He then asked for examples of things he could have done instead, which I thought was good of him. He then spent about an hour in time out in his room. 

We will continue discussing these things and helping him form new habits for his responses to emotionally overwhelming situations... but again, if anyone has ideas for consequences other than time out, I'd appreciate it.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

I will agree with all of the above. Therapy is a must. And there are low cost or income based therapists. Talk to the school and see if they have a psychologist. I also strongly agree with setting parameters and sticking to them.

My nephew started acting out at a very young age, my sister and her husband were both marines so they moved around a little bit (3 times before he was 12 I think) Cody would act out and the schools would call and my sister would make excuses. He was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated - and it helped some. As he got older (from 10-14) things got worse. At 14 he ended up in a boys home. Where the psychologist flat out told his parents lack of consistency had made some of his behaviors worse - and if they did not stick to a plan of discipline/rewards Cody would end up in a far worse place. The boys home gave him a lot of counseling and coping exercises. He came home a changed kid - but his parents did not change. Eventually he dropped out of HS and spent some time in and out of jail on various petty drug charges (mostly marijuana) He eventually went to jail for about 9 months and just finished a drug treatment program and is back home (he is now 22) Getting a job for him will be hard with his record - 

My point in all of this is that sometimes tough love is harder on the parent than the kid - but know always in your heart that you are doing it for the best.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

@carshon he was in therapy for a year and after that saw the school counselor as well. I am a strict, consistent parent - but his dad is not, and I can only control what goes on at my house. He definitely doesn't have sever behavioral issues, but it's clear he doesn't know how to handle feelings of high magnitude - whether they be positive or negative.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

The lack of consistency between your home and his father's will make any issue far worse. Would his dad be open to an evaluation for your son and a meeting with both of you there so he can be made aware of the importance of having consistent expectations between homes?


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

SilverMaple said:


> The lack of consistency between your home and his father's will make any issue far worse. Would his dad be open to an evaluation for your son and a meeting with both of you there so he can be made aware of the importance of having consistent expectations between homes?


Totally agree. From what I hear from the kids, their dad is not very present when they are there (which is half the time, as we share 50/50). They say he locks himself into his room and won't open the door, so they go into the back yard and yell at him through his window to get his attention. They just watch TV when they are there. It breaks my heart. 

I am going to suggest the therapy/evaluation and see where it goes, but I don't have high hopes. Parenting is hard and he just wants to be their friend.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

WildestDandelion said:


> @carshon he was in therapy for a year and after that saw the school counselor as well. I am a strict, consistent parent - but his dad is not, and I can only control what goes on at my house. He definitely doesn't have sever behavioral issues, but it's clear he doesn't know how to handle feelings of high magnitude - whether they be positive or negative.


Inconsistent parenting is one of the worst things for any child. 

I was a therapeutic foster parent for many years. We used behavior modification and natural consequences. 

Some children need more help than others to understand what to do in stressful situations. It is not just a matter of discipline, but also modelling and teaching proper responses. 

Natural consequences seem to be the most difficult thing for the caregivers to understand. It is not the caregiver producing a punishment, it is letting the child experience the consequences of their behavior. 

For instance, one child I had did not put on his boots before we went to the barn in the morning to clean stalls (work is important for kids, btw). I told him he needed to wear boots, and told him why. He chose not to wear them, and I did not force him to change because that would not allow him to learn. 

So he cleaned his stall and was getting fresh shavings when he stepped in a bed of fire ants. This was a natural consequence of not having proper footwear on. We of course treated the bites once returning home. The next day when I told him to get dressed to go to the barn, he chose appropriate clothing including his boots! Natural consequences is how children learn. 

Our job as parents/caregivers is to raise children in such a manner as they can grow into responsible, productive adults that can succeed in the society we live in. If one keeps that thought in the forefront of their mind as they raise their children, it helps to keep the focus on what the child needs. 

BTW, I've rarely had any child make those kind of threats, and I don't believe it is a "normal" childhood response to stress to threaten to kill or maim another child. You are right to be alarmed by this behavior.


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## AndyTheCornbread (Feb 3, 2019)

I went through 14 years of co-parenting with my oldest two boys mother who is probably one of the worst human beings on the planet. I'll PM you some thoughts as I am not posting divorce/parenting thoughts on a public forum.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

WildestDandelion said:


> Totally agree. From what I hear from the kids, their dad is not very present when they are there (which is half the time, as we share 50/50). They say he locks himself into his room and won't open the door, so they go into the back yard and yell at him through his window to get his attention. They just watch TV when they are there. It breaks my heart.
> 
> I am going to suggest the therapy/evaluation and see where it goes, but I don't have high hopes. Parenting is hard and he just wants to be their friend.


Friends don't lock themselves away. You need to take this information to a lawyer. This is neglect, and it is a form of abuse.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

AndyTheCornbread said:


> I went through 14 years of co-parenting with my oldest two boys mother who is probably one of the worst human beings on the planet. I'll PM you some thoughts as I am not posting divorce/parenting thoughts on a public forum.


Smart. I am worried about that as well.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

AnitaAnne said:


> Inconsistent parenting is one of the worst things for any child.
> 
> I was a therapeutic foster parent for many years. We used behavior modification and natural consequences.
> 
> ...


My children have had similar experiences with natural consequences lol. When it comes to certain behavior, it's hard to find the right natural consequence. 

I do disagree that it is not normal, to an extent, to say these things. Everything I have read from psychologists in doing research about this says it is normal for kids to escalate to saying extreme things, especially once they see it gets a rise out of people. But, this was mostly in referring to 3-5 year olds, which is why I am concerned, because he doesn't fit in that age group.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

AnitaAnne said:


> Friends don't lock themselves away. You need to take this information to a lawyer. This is neglect, and it is a form of abuse.


Trust me I am documenting all this. We just went to trial for the second time about 4 months ago. I have a lawyer on retainer.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

WildestDandelion said:


> My children have had similar experiences with natural consequences lol. When it comes to certain behavior, it's hard to find the right natural consequence.
> 
> I do disagree that it is not normal, to an extent, to say these things. Everything I have read from psychologists in doing research about this says it is normal for kids to escalate to saying extreme things, especially once they see it gets a rise out of people. But, this was mostly in referring to 3-5 year olds, which is why I am concerned, because he doesn't fit in that age group.


Kids escalate when they are not getting their needs met. Trust vs Mistrust. First on Erickson's stages of development. 

It is not normal in your son's age group, when 3 yr olds say it, they really have no idea what they are saying. Often it is something they have heard. I should have specified that.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

The natural consequence in the example I listed above was not really the getting ant bit part, it was the fact he still had to continue the job. (after I first determined it was not life-threatening; no allergic reactions). 

His poor decision did not get him out of the work he was required to do. 

Another child did not get dressed in time for the bus. He was sent outside with his shoes in hand to finish at the bus stop. All the kids on the bus laughed because he had his pajama top still on. Next day he got up when I woke him and managed to be dressed in time :rofl: 

*note: I am using "He" in these examples, but it could have been males or females*


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

Yep, my son has gone to school in his PJ's because he hadn't gotten dressed for school and thought it would delay his departure.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

"How would that make you feel if someone said that about you?" goes a long way toward helping kids realize that something they said in passing may be very detrimental to others. His response can also help you as a parent, and his therapist realize where the behavior is coming from. Anger? Lack of empathy toward others? etc. 

One thing that is rather alarming are the studies showing the so many of today's youngsters have an almost complete lack of empathy for the feelings, struggles, and suffering of others. The reasons for this are varied and debatable, but I've certainly noticed it. It's hard to convince a child that something they have said may be hurtful to others if they just don't care. 



I had a 10 or 11 y.o. boy and his slightly older sister into the library the other day. They are good kids raised in a stable, two-parent family. They had their small dog with them as they stopped to look for a movie while walking him. The dog was limping horribly, and his rear leg was obviously badly hurt-- either displaced or fractured. I asked what had happened. "Oh, he got stepped on a couple of weeks ago. It'll heal up eventually." They literally had no care in the world that their small dog was suffering and being forced to hobble along on the icy sidewalk twice a day as usual. I said the dog looked badly hurt and would need a vet, but they said their mom wasn't going to do that until after Christmas as she was just too busy.


I was appalled and angry... this poor dog. Yeah, he probably will heal up eventually, but his leg will never be functional again. These kids-- perfectly normal in every other respect, had ZERO inkling or care that their dog was hurting. Sadly, that is becoming more and more common.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

SilverMaple said:


> "How would that make you feel if someone said that about you?" goes a long way toward helping kids realize that something they said in passing may be very detrimental to others. His response can also help you as a parent, and his therapist realize where the behavior is coming from. Anger? Lack of empathy toward others? etc.
> 
> 
> 
> One thing that is rather alarming are the studies showing the so many of today's youngsters have an almost complete lack of empathy for the feelings, struggles, and suffering of others. The reasons for this are varied and debatable, but I've certainly noticed it.


That's definitely something we talk about with him a lot. He has shown some improvement in that area by apologizing to his sister after hes been mean without being asked, BUT I can vividly remember being his age and no way would I be saying these things to anyone, sibling or not. Yes we fought and got into physical altercations, but nothing like this.

I do wonder if electronics have anything to do with that sort of detachment we see in younger people. One of the reasons I limit TV and video games so strictly.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

WildestDandelion said:


> That's definitely something we talk about with him a lot. He has shown some improvement in that area by apologizing to his sister after hes been mean without being asked, BUT I can vividly remember being his age and no way would I be saying these things to anyone, sibling or not. Yes we fought and got into physical altercations, but nothing like this.
> 
> I do wonder if electronics have anything to do with that sort of detachment we see in younger people. One of the reasons I limit TV and video games so strictly.



I think it does have a lot to do with violent games, movies, etc.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

The anxiety, inability to be happy, clothing limitations, etc, to me speak of Autistic Spectrum associations. However, I would consider evaluation by a professional, too. 



My son was similar; impulsive hitting and biting as a small boy, graduating to kicking and spitting. Only occasionally, but the situation would rapidly escalate out of control, at school. At about 6, we had him evaluated by the school, and they said, "ADHD". he went on ritalin and it was a disaster. He wouldn't eat or sleep . started experienceing tics. went off that.



We kept insisting that this was not right, but the shrink said, ' no, just keep on those meds'.  We finally took him to a local pediatric hospital for evaluation, at about the same age of your son. They said he 'might' be on the spectrum, but at least his issues with anxiety could be addressed. 



He put him on an antidepressant. We were amazed at how this helped him regulate his anxiety. He was on medication for many years. Went off from some, then chose to go back on. 

For me, the hardest thing is how hard it can be for someone with his issues to BE and to FEEL happy. But, things are getting better. He has done some amazing things, after many hard years.


Be that all said, you cannot really make any judgement from anonymous internet suggestions. Every child is different, every home , too. I hope things get easier. I can almost guarantee they will, but it might get a lot worse before it gets better. Sorry.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

WildestDandelion said:


> Unfortunately his dad is in charge of medical decisions and I am in charge of educational decisions, so all I can do is suggest it and hope he agrees, or take him back to court to get therapy ordered. I will definitely suggest it.


To me, getting a cognitive assessment by an educational or developmental psychologist (which is what you would do to assess for a learning difficulty or difference) because he is having issues show up in school would be an educational decision not a medical decision. In the school system it would be classed as an educational decision to get a learning assessment done to see if he needs an individual learning plan. So can you just schedule an assessment with a psych on that basis (assuming you can afford it, they tend to cost upwards of $1000 to get a full cognitive profile done)?

Sounds tough. My DD who is in her tween years is similar. Super high anxiety, stress and cannot deal with little things (total over the top aggressive and angry responses). Getting a cognitive assessment done for her was really helpful. It is not a magic cure, but it helps for both us and her to know why she struggles with certain things. In our case, DD has a low processing speed (about 34th percentile) but all her other cognitive abilities are in the highly gifted range (98th and 99th percentiles). So everything about her thinking is very high level expect for her ability to get things in and out (processing), and she finds it super frustrating. 

She is worse when she has other things going on that are stressing her out, and kids are pretty good at hiding stuff. Have you had a chat with him to see if there is anything going on at school with bullying or being exposed to things that he is not comfortable with?

My DD also had play therapy at one stage, and although she found it fun, I don't think it made any obvious or useful changes to her behavior. Mostly it has helped to just have discussions all the time. It is a really long and slow process to make progress. We try various things like having an angry book to write/scribble in rather than say things or physically hurt someone, having a quite place to go to, talking about what might help diffuse the anger (exercise, outside time, music, etc.). She used to get angrier if we tried to offer her comfort, and I found a tip from one place online that said to just say to them "I can see you are angry, squeeze my finger if you want a hug" (or whatever comfort that they might like), and they find that easier than responding verbally. It actually works for us anyway.

Some good resources I have found online are:
Self-reg by Stuart Shanker, https://self-reg.ca/, has various resources and a parents course
Lives in the Balance by Ross Greene, https://www.livesinthebalance.org/, has collaborative and proactive solutions model to work through to identify lagging skills and unsolved problems that contribute to unwanted behavior.

Their kind of shared premise is that children behave well when they can, and that we need to scaffold for them so that they can behave.

Also, Bright and Quirky, https://brightandquirky.com/, has a summit every year that is free for the time of the summit (paid access after that). They usually have a lot of good talks from various child psychologists.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice in here. I was thinking the same as @MeditativeRider - could the school order an evaluation? Then it's not a medical decision. Perhaps you could express your concerns to them, especially if dad refuses to do anything. 

The situation you describe is complicated. I understand that you cannot control what goes on at his father's house. I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be terribly painful. 

But I agree with the natural consequences. When my son was about 3, he would not keep socks or shoes on. It was winter, and we were going to visit a friend. We fought for about half an hour - I would put them on, he would tear them off, over and over. Finally, I took him outside in his bare feet and let him walk in the snow. He went right back in the house and let me put his socks and boots on. Honestly, it isn't a proud parenting moment for me. I felt horrible watching him get cold feet even though it was only for like 10 seconds (I picked him up and carried him in as soon as he showed me he understood). But I think that he had to experience it for himself to understand. My son is also on the autism spectrum, by the way. 

As for consequences to his verbal outbursts, I'm not sure what we can suggest without knowing what he likes. It should be immediate. Time-outs are a good idea, especially since he doesn't like being alone. 

I, however, don't agree that kids these days are less empathetic. Sorry, this is not connected to your situation OP, but it's been raised by a couple of posters. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but where I live, kids are far more empathetic than they ever were. I teach first year university students and have two teenagers at home. They are caring people, concerned about the planet and others around them. My daughter volunteers at a number of local charities. My son's football team all shaved their heads in support of my son when he had cancer. I am struck by how much empathy they display every day. Even my son, who was not supposed to feel empathy, displayed this in a touching way one Christmas when he was only about 7. We have an elderly neighbor who lives alone, and he noticed she didn't have anyone visiting her on Christmas day. He asked if he could go give her a box of chocolates he had gotten as a present. Of course I said ok and watched him walk across the road. They still have a very special relationship many years later. My university students go out of their way to include others of various cultures and abilities (our school system promotes inclusion which means kids of varying abilities are in the same classroom so maybe this helps). And you know what? My kids were allowed electronics. Not violent games of course, and I don't encourage too much of it, but they have been very good at self-regulating. 

So I can't speak of other parts of the world, but I feel that in this instance, I have to defend generation Z. They have their flaws, but what I see around me is a generation that cares more deeply than any generation before. If some have gone numb to the violence and sadness around them, maybe it's because the previous generations have not done a very good job of making the world a better place, and it's just overwhelming. 

They are the generation of Greta Thunberg.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

I spoke with the Principal yesterday and he will start seeing the school counselor on fridays. I think that is a good starting point for now.

I will say, he doesn't have any learning disabilities or anything. Actually he tests at a higher level than his grade. But if he DOES have aspergers, that would make sense as well.

I do appreciate all the insight. It's useful to hear other peoples' experiences and not feel so alone.


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## SwissMiss (Aug 1, 2014)

One other thing: does he feel/realize when the urge to say those things comes up? If there is just a moment, you may have a window to redirect him(for a lack of a better word). 

We went through a similar phase with our DS and he had a few seconds "warning", before he lost control. Giving him an hourglass and make him watch the sand when he was feeling the urge helped tremendously.
He had hourglasses (cheap 1 min ones) ALL OVER the house, school and he carried one in his pocket most of the time. It didn't prevent all outbursts, but really helped him to breathe, calm down and regain control many times.


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## WildestDandelion (Apr 4, 2019)

SwissMiss said:


> One other thing: does he feel/realize when the urge to say those things comes up? If there is just a moment, you may have a window to redirect him(for a lack of a better word).
> 
> We went through a similar phase with our DS and he had a few seconds "warning", before he lost control. Giving him an hourglass and make him watch the sand when he was feeling the urge helped tremendously.
> He had hourglasses (cheap 1 min ones) ALL OVER the house, school and he carried one in his pocket most of the time. It didn't prevent all outbursts, but really helped him to breathe, calm down and regain control many times.


Very good point! I REALLY like that idea! It's normally in anger, but he also does it randomly sometimes. The other morning on the 3 minute drive to school he managed to used the word "kill" in casual conversation twice... Once while sweetly talking to a stuffed animal. I did remind him "We aren't supposed to talk like that" and at first he didn't have a clue what I was talking about, then he was confused about why he can't talk like that to a stuffed animal.

My only comfort is I don't think he's a psychopath, because he IS chalk full of empathy and sympathy, both for humans and non-human animals *nervous laughter*


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

@WildestDandelion, my son is at the top of his class. We still don't know for sure whether the diagnosis was accurate since he scored right on the line. However, it meant getting help so the therapist decided to call it. He got early intervention which mean intensive therapy (20 hrs a week by the time he was 3 until he went to school). By the time he was in 3rd grade, his teacher approached us and suggested we remove the accomodations he'd had thus far because he no longer needed them. We did, and he's been great ever since. He has lots of friends, is kind and caring, is a star football player, gets good grades at school. He learned to control his emotions (he was very intense as a child), and does very well in school. 

My point is that not all kids with autism present typical autistic profiles. Some autistic kids do well in school, some show empathy, but most are socially awkward. My son definitely went through that phase. 

No one is suggesting your son is a psychopath. Just that it would be beneficial for him to be professionally evaluated so he can get the help he needs.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Having a learning difficulty or difference does not mean that a child will always be below grade. Kids can have a combination of high abilities and a learning difficulty/difference as well (and if they do, the difficulty/difference is often masked by the high ability but can come out in challenging behavior). Like my daughter was tested at reading at a 14–15 year old level at age 7, but she still has a learning difficulty/difference (slow processing) that make some things super stressful for her (timed tests or following a long set of instructions for example) and that stress comes out in challenging behavior. 

Also, with the saying random things, I read an article a while back written by a child psychologist about how kids play with toy guns/talk about killing etc. because it is what they see in society and play is a way for them to process that. Like a coping mechanism. From what I remember of it, the writer thought that this was a healthy, normal thing to do and not an unhealthy thing. I assume obviously if it is in play, which it sounds like it was in the car in your story, rather than in anger and lashing out. But maybe you have a combination of both, and sometimes (in play) it might be better to have a discussion about all the things around that rather than just ban it as a way we don't talk. But then it gets super complicated if you also have it anger, and trying to get them to understand it is different.


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## shequestar (Mar 30, 2019)

*Suggestion for Thread: son says violent things*

I live in Colorado, the state with the highest suicide rate for children 10 - 14 years old. Even young children are at risk for mental health problems that can seriously impact their lives.
As an PATH Equine Specialist, I work with counselors and psychologists whose clients participate in EAT,
equine assisted therapy. Many children are referred by hospitals and family health organizations.
We have many children suffering the effects of trauma of different kinds who are helped by this type of therapy. It typically involves ground work with horses and ponies; sessions are conducted by the therapist, with the oversight and help of the equine specialist.
I recommend contacting PATH Int'l to see if they can help find a reputable therapeutic center in your area.
This type of therapy often succeeds when standard clinical therapy isn't working, for both children and adults.


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