# It's him or the horse?



## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Horse makes you happy, fiance does not. Vote for horse. There's lots of guys out there who are fine with whatever makes their spouse happy, especially something as completely wonderful and benign as a horse. The fact that you are asking this question on a HORSE FORUM already gives me the answer.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I am not an expert, but I personally wouldn't get rid of the horse. It doesn't seem like the horse is actually causing the issues- it seems like there are issues outside of the horse, & your fiance may be blaming the horse for them. He may be in denial of himself. I don't understand why he's saying the horse is the problem, when there are probably bigger issues!
It's good you are doing counseling. I don't think getting rid of your horse (how hard would that be? very hard I think!) will change anything. Especially if your fiance doesn't know exactly what he wants. That won't make for a good healthy marriage either. Hopefully he continues to try though. If things don't get better, nope, continue living, with your horse!

& if you think long & hard, and feel as though things between you and him aren't going to work for the long-term, I would not continue with the marriage...you shouldn't have to part with your horse for that. The horse doesn't seem to be causing too much financial issues either, seems like you have had good luck with the financial part of owning a horse LOL! That's a plus. But really, I'm sorry you are going through this.  With or without a man, your horse is always there for you. :smile: Sometimes things do not work out, no matter how hard you try- you cannot force things to workout. It seems to me like if you both MUTUALLY need to work on things (which it seems like he may not want to?) & it could work, but if that's not the case then the relationship probably won't progress. He needs to work on things on his end all the same. If he doesn't know what he wants, then you let him know you don't have the time for that & you & the horse will be fine without him! Point blank PERIOD!:-x:cowboy:


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I try to contribute to theses type threads to offer maybe a view in to male perspective. With that in mind, being involved with a girl that is into horses is difficult, even for someone who understands about them. That said I can't remember when I haven't sided with the female in theses posts. 

I usually also start out by saying thoughts in no particular order, but this time I have order.

You mentioned there are issues you both have to work on. If one of those for him is substance abuse, There's no point going any further here or options for you. 

This is not meant as a judgment on you or any assumptions about your lifestyle.


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

Going to be somewhat blunt here with the best intentions towards you.....He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life but, feels he is adaquately informed that he can dictate what to do with yours? That's a big red flag for me right there. Especially because it is something that has been a life long dream of yours.

I'd say keep the horse and find a man who gets enjoyment out of watching you enjoy something.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

When I met my husband he didn't know which end of a horse to put the hay in. He ventured a very mild complaint about how much time I spent at the barn one day and I told him that the horses would be here when he was gone. He got over himself. Had he even suggested that a horse was a problem or a cause of any problems (other than the obvious financial ones they can cause), he'd have found out that the only problem was him and that I knew how to get rid of problems. 

No way would I get rid of a horse in favor of a man. Like horses, there are way too many nice ones out there looking for a home to tolerate one that's a problem.


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## 98ramtough (Nov 15, 2016)

I would think if a horse or any animal can be the cause for serious problems, this is just the beginning of the problems. What next, a dog that you get that he is jealous of time spent? Marriage is never an easy thing, it is consistent work that does not always come easy. But I would be greatly concerned for other things in the future if this is such a big issue.


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## jenkat86 (May 20, 2014)

Avna said:


> Horse makes you happy, fiance does not.


Yep. 

I agree with so many comments already made. This is just a taste of what's to come. Give the ring back and enjoy yourself. I get that it's not that easy..


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

The horse is just an excuse. It would be the same if it were a dog, cat, or even a baby. He wants to control what you do and how you spend your money, and it's not going to get any better if you marry him. 


You're having loads of trouble even before you say 'I do', so why bother with getting married? He makes you miserable. Time to get out of this bad relationship, and find a man who's happy when you're happy. A guy doesn't have to be into horses, just realize that this is your thing and leave you to do it. Most guys have their own hobbies/passions, so if you equate it to whatever they love most, a real man will get it.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

It took me 5 years to find the last horse I bought.
It took me 5 minutes to get my last (& current) BF.

So which is easier to replace?

Seriously, I've done the whole 'keep quiet about the horse' thing & I promise you it gets old quick.

Horses are part of who you are, what makes you tick. If he has a problem with that no counseling will change that, though he may fake it for a while.

A few of many examples:
Long term BF, "The only thing dumber than a horse is a horse owner."- dumped

When my horse was lame BF said, "Why don't you get rid of that horse & get a good one?"-dumped

"You spend more on those horses than I do to live."-dumped. 

"If you really loved me you'd get rid of the horses."-dumped
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They have either gotten mad, cried, promised BS, called names, made threats & sometimes all of the above. But you know what? I was always happy with my decision because it was my decision, not none forced on me.


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## SomethingSpecial (Aug 14, 2015)

Well i have two differing opinions. 

Is he financially supporting this horse in any way? And what do you mean by financial stress? I have seen financial stress change many a person. If he went from being able to eat out and get drinks with friends, to not being able to do anything because he's footing all his spare cash into a horse he gets no enjoyment out of then I understand where he's coming from. The relationship was there before the horse. If my SO got a new hobby that took us from financially OK to where we were financially stressed, i would be pretty ticked off at him and hold a lot of resentment towards that hobby. 

On the flip side, if horses are a big part of your life and you are fully financially supporting your own hobby and still holding your equal half of the bills, then I think you need to leave. I wouldn't give up my horses for anyone. They keep me sane. They make me happy. When my SO and I started dating, I didn't have a horse. I had just moved out of my parents house and was not financially ready to have a horse on my own. (no parental monetary support.) But as time as passed he has bought us a house with land so I could have horses. He contributes toward their hay. He drives to other states with me to pick up hay. He'll feed them when I am sick, or have to stay late at work (he's even memorized how and in what order I fill and hang hay nets. I'm OCD and it MATTERS to me). He helps me scoop poop in the field on the weekend. He helps me change and put up fencing and put new siding on the run-in. He has been 100% supportive of me. He holds NO resentments towards them all because they make me happy. Im pretty sure he sneaks them treats at night and gives them a pat because they keep me occupied so he can play his video games without me pestering him . There are supportive men out there who wont feel threatened by the hairy beasts. And if you don't see yourself giving up horses anytime soon, i'd let go of the man. Think of HIM too. He may be happier in a relationship that doesn't involve horses.


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## Woodhaven (Jan 21, 2014)

I have a question for you. If your fiance had an interest that was not something you would want to do, would you support him in this or insist he stop it?
I don't think it is so much the horse as it is something that you want to do and get a great deal of happiness and pleasure from and he resents this and is jealous, wouldn't matter if it was hiking or tree climbing it would be the same.

Do you support your horse hobby or do you expect him to help with the money and by doing this deny himself any extras because there is no money for them?

I do realize that horses can be very time consuming, say more that playing tennis where you can put the tennis racket in the closet until the next time you go to play, but this is who you are and if he can't deal with it, the two of you have a serious problem and I would back out of this relationship. I have been there and it does't improve or get better with time, it is a control situation.

Good luck.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

I got married when I was young (close to 19). It was a daily argument with my ex because he didn't think that I needed to spend time going to school. I finally stopped going because I got tired of arguing and I thought it would help the relationship. NOT!! He just found other things to fight about that I was doing outside of spending time with him. So, say we went to counseling. Would the counselor advise me that I should quit school to make him happy? I highly doubt it.

Like others have said, if he is spending his money on your hobby or paying all of the bills because you have none left after spending on the horse, I can see the resentment. Otherwise, if were me, I would be inclined to just date the horse for a little while until I found someone who appreciates me and everything that comes with it.


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## walkinthewalk (Jul 23, 2008)

Woodhaven said:


> I have a question for you. If your fiance had an interest that was not something you would want to do, would you support him in this or insist he stop it?
> I don't think it is so much the horse as it is something that you want to do and get a great deal of happiness and pleasure from and he resents this and is jealous, wouldn't matter if it was hiking or tree climbing it would be the same.
> 
> Do you support your horse hobby or do you expect him to help with the money and by doing this deny himself any extras because there is no money for them?
> ...


^^^^^This and this and this^^^^^


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Keep in mind, this is as good as it gets, the engagement is the dreamland part. Whatever is a problem now, will only get worse after marriage.


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## cbar (Nov 27, 2015)

I could say a lot on this subject, but suffice to say that I agree with what everyone else says. 

You need to think about your long term happiness. Take the horse out of the equation - will you be happy? Will he be happy? 

I think it's great you guys are going to counseling and I know it is difficult when you are emotionally invested into someone. No matter what you decide to do, do it because you want to and you care about your own happiness.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Frankly, I don't think this is about the horse at all. 

IMO, getting rid of the horse won't solve your problems in all likelihood, although, it might make your finances more workable.

As for experience, I've been married 32 years on the 31st of Dec.....the last two have been the most trying of all.....

Here's a link to a paper that's put a lot of things into perspective for me.

http://www.legacyatwork.com/app/webroot/pdf/Boundaries_in_Marriage_0809.pdf

Basically, successful marriage requires two individuals who can function independently of each other.

IMO, going forward into a commitment that's already rocky won't improve things. 

My suggestion would be for both of you to back off a little....spend some time apart, and see if either of your perspectives change. Notice, I didn't say quit, or split, or break up.....simply back off and reevaluate.

I heard something today that really made me think....."Don't get drawn into another persons storm, but rather, draw them into your peace."

Think on that for awhile....

From the paper:

Marriage is first and foremost about love. It is bound together by the care, need, 
companionship, and values of two people, 
which can overcome hurt, immaturity, and 
selfishness to form something better than what each person alone can produce. Love is at 
the heart of marriage, as it is at the heart of God himself (1 John 4:16). 
•
Yet, love is not enough. The marriage rela
tionship needs other ingredients to grow and 
thrive. Those ingredients are 
freedom 
and 
responsibility. 
When two people are free to 
disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies: 
“Perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18
). And when two people together take 
responsibility to do what is best for the marri
age, love can grow. When they do not, one 
takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough and 
becomes self-centered or controlling. Freedom and responsibility problems in a marriage 
will cause love to struggle.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

I will make this short and sweet. Don't ever give up an animal for a man. Anyone that wants you to give up what you love does not love you and does not value your happiness. 

I did this once, gave up my darling cat, and everything became worse. Much worse. If I could go back in time and redo it, I would have kept my precious cat and dumped the guy. Wish I had been smart enough to ask for advice first. 

Dump this dude and don't look back. 

Go give your horse a carrot and a hug.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

Ok, I am going to put forward a different perspective out there. Horses are a very time consuming hobby. I somehow manage to spend 4 hours (!) at the yard when I'm riding and this is for a horse on full livery. I ride five times a week. That's a lot of time to spend away from home when you are in a serious relationship and, presumably, have a full time job. I can't even imagine it if you are planning on having kids. 

It does sound like you are having other issues in your relationship but I can see how your partner might get upset at the time sink horses are, especially seeing that he was there first.

I'm lucky, my husband is very supportive of my riding (I suspect that after 20 yeas of marriage he doesn't miss me much , but I would understand it and act accordingly if he complained, especially seeing that we don't have other issues in our relationship. Best of luck


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

I would never give up my horses or stop riding for a man. Now I've never been engaged or anything, but I do realize that it's really hard when you're emotionally invested in someone. 

But anyone who doesn't value what makes you happy, or would want you to give your passion up to make them happy does not truly value your happiness.

Having a SO who is jealous of horses is the worst. My ex was jealous of every single one of my animals and got genuinely angry if my cat came and sat beside us. 

I dumped him and found a guy who loves animals just as much as I do. He's not a horse person, but he's never complained about them or asked me to spend less time with them. And he even comes to the barn with me. It's sooooo much better to be with someone who is happy to see you happy.


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## WhattaTroublemaker (Aug 13, 2013)

If a man told me Trouble was causing our relationship problems and he had to go. He'd be out the door. Oh wait, that happened! 

My ex was like this. He was one to say "you always spend time with your horse" " you love him more than me" and was always complaining about him, even trying to make me skip the nightly feeding to "spend time with him". 

If your fiancé can't learn to enjoy what makes you happy, or at least be HAPPY that you have something that makes you happy, he's not the one. Anyone who doesn't feel good when their significant other finds something they enjoy, isn't worth your time.


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## Captain Evil (Apr 18, 2012)

Reiningcatsanddogs said:


> Going to be somewhat blunt here with the best intentions towards you.....He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life but, feels he is adaquately informed that he can dictate what to do with yours? That's a big red flag for me right there. Especially because it is something that has been a life long dream of yours.
> 
> I'd say keep the horse and find a man who gets enjoyment out of watching you enjoy something.


No way to say that better!

Obviously I don't know your situation but think about how the problem is being framed: "It's me or the horse (dog, cat, grad school, whatever)." What they're really saying is, "It's me or you. Pick my comfort and convenience over your joy and happiness." 

I know it's complicated, but you don't have to let him put you in the position of chooser. You come with the horse. He can take it or leave it. His choice.


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

Agree with everyone else. It's a tough situation to be in but I would be glad to recognize it before the actual wedding. If the financial aspect of it is putting stress, I can understand that, but a good _man_ would sit down and talk to you like an adult about the budget and where a little spare money can be shaved off of unnecessary stuff (eating out frequently, movies, etc) and have an open discussion about his concerns. An immature _boy_ is one that will point fingers and say "it's all your fault" and give you ultimatums. Like Ware said, it will only get worse.


Someone who truly loves you will want you to be happy and would never try to forcibly make you give up something that makes you happy.


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## greentree (Feb 27, 2013)

If you give up the horse, there are then TWO resentful people in the relationship.


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## DebRVT (Oct 30, 2016)

AnitaAnne said:


> I will make this short and sweet. Don't ever give up an animal for a man. Anyone that wants you to give up what you love does not love you and does not value your happiness.
> 
> I did this once, gave up my darling cat, and everything became worse. Much worse. If I could go back in time and redo it, I would have kept my precious cat and dumped the guy. Wish I had been smart enough to ask for advice first.
> 
> ...


Agree completely with this!!
Find a partner who is happy because you are happy - doing what you love!!
My husband was a huge no when I wanted to buy my first horse 2 years ago but he saw how much I was looking forward to spending time with them again after meeting some who belonged to a friend.
Now he supports everything I do with both my horses - including buying and fixing up a horse trailer and driving us around.
My point here is that he really saw how happy it makes me to be with the horses and that was the most important.
You deserve someone who wants you to be happy!!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

My husband would be fine with no pets (ha, in his dreams), but has patiently helped with my tropical fish, anole, dogs, cats, chickens, ducks, geese, sheep, goats, and now horse, because it makes me happy. When mama's happy, everybody's happy. I feel the same way about his hobbies. We've been married for coming on 37 years.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

People who love, show it through personal sacrifice, or, giving of ones self for the gain of the other. (Love thy neighbor as you love thy self).

As far a happiness goes, nobody can make you happy or sad, except for yourself. So if you ladies are looking for a man to make you happy, you'll never find him.

That said, one of the things my mother taught me was that misery loves company.

Miserable people love to make others miserable too....

There's hope, which is given freely by the spirit, and is a gift to man.

No, this isn't about the horse.


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## 6gun Kid (Feb 26, 2013)

Listen to me now, run, don't walk away from this relationship. It isn't about the horse at all, it is about control. If I read this right, you bought the horse without his "blessing" and he has been jealous ever since. I watched my baby sister marry a guy that resented everything she did. She had a dog, he complained she gave the dog away. She went to school to be a dental hygienist, he complained every single day she was at school (****ed sure didn't mind the money she made after though). She joined _his_ bowling league (at his request) so they could spend more time together, and he complained they never had "alone" time. Final straw she showed up at our father's 65th birthday with a fat lip, he didn't want her come because Austin to Beaumont was too far, and the gas was too expensive. My brother and I went to Austin the next day, she moved home, and he had a few (dozen) stitches. 
What I am trying to say is abuse starts small and escalates, first it is about control and then it is about enforcing control. If you have any kind of sass like my baby sister, the only way to control you will be physical. So, get out now. Life is not about somebody telling you where to go, but finding somebody who wants to go along for the ride.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Once again, yall nailed it.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

gunslinger said:


> As far a happiness goes, nobody can make you happy or sad, except for yourself. So if you ladies are looking for a man to make you happy, you'll never find him.


I don't think anyone is talking about expectations of someone else to make them happy. Personally, I've always counted on myself for happiness but I certainly don't need to be around someone who is going out of their way to try to make me miserable either. Most people who want to try to control someone else are scared little boys and girls. They fear that if their SO is finding happiness from another avenue besides them, they might ditch them. The fact is, controlling behavior is usually the cause of being ditched.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Dear cajunqueen, I don't need to reiterate what everyone else has said. But something about your original post concerned me. You said your therapist mentioned that the horse is hurting the relationship. 

I am married to a very non-horsey guy. Two nights ago, he spent over an hour clearing snow in my paddock so I could ride. His mother's day gift to me was taking a day off work (which he NEVER does) to put in the posts for my fence. He doesn't care for horses, but cares for me. It wasn't always like that. We went through couples therapy too. But not all "therapists" are created equal. It sounds like yours is kind of siding with your partner a little. If she can't understand that the horse is important to you, you should consider finding a new therapist. We went through about three before we could agree on one. These days, unfortunately, pretty much anyone can hang a shingle out and call themselves a couples therapist. It doesn't mean they actually know what they're doing. How is the horse hurting your relationship exactly? How is you pursuing a passion that makes you happy hurting the relationship? And what are her qualifications for making that kind of an assessment? Therapy is good. But finding a GOOD therapist is better. Don't believe it just because she says so. Both of you should agree on a therapist and if this one isn't helping, move on.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Excellent point.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

@cajunqueen929 I hope everything works out for the best for you and it will I'm sure. Neither getting rid of the horse or saying goodbye to the fiance are the end of the world even though it feels like it at the time. You do have to do what makes you happy though because neither the horse nor the fiance are guaranteed to be around forever. 

I've always found that the best and longest relationships are between two people that are both asking the other "What can I do for you?" When neither are asking that or when it is lopsided and only one is asking that, it seems to not work out so well.


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## Eme1217 (Oct 27, 2014)

@cajunqueen929, your situation sucks. I have no advice to give that has not already been said, but I just wanted to wish you all the best in finding your way through this. Be happy, life is too short to not be.


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## PassionateEquestrian71314 (Nov 27, 2016)

I know how difficult this situation seems for you. 
But I would ditch the guy in a heartbeat. No hesitation. 
If he doesn't want for you to be happy, then he's not the right guy.


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## Cammey (Oct 3, 2016)

Just throwing in my $.02 as someone much more newly entrenched in the world of horses, because it might be an interesting perspective to add to the chorus. 

I've always viewed making major changes to my life or lifestyle (giving up a job, moving for someone, giving up a dream) for the sake of a relationship as a major act of trust. I've got to be sure that whatever is on the other side of that will be worth the opportunities I've missed and sacrifices I've made to get there. Speaking as someone who is a very new horse-person, and thus can see the 'other side' of how it might be very difficult to never be able to sleep in with a partner (assuming you're doing self-care) or to deal with the costs/challenges of horse ownership - I can see how a horse could put a strain on a relationship. On the other hand, he's asking you to give up not only a major dream, but a relationship with something in your life that is important to you and your mental health for the sake of the partnership.

Is he worth that? I can't answer. I don't know your situation. I do know that my personal view on making major life-changes for relationships that are already on the rocks tends to be pretty pessimistic. Unless you're very sure these are the only changes required to finally fix the relationship, or that it's paired with the only changes he needs to make on his side to change the relationship, I would be concerned that you might end up giving up your dream only to not have things work out with your fiance anyway - especially if you add in any possible resentment that might come from making this decision for him. 

I wish you the best of good fortune and clarity with this difficult decision.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

I don't think there is any one answer for this. We can't see the situation, we can't know the context. 

A lot of people proclaim they would always choose their horses, that they come first but I think that any relationship where you wouldn't sacrifice your horses for your relationship when needed, is not a quality one. 

However, it does depend on the situation. I guess what I would be working out is if there horses are actually coming between you, or if it's something else. 

So why are the horses causing the issues? If the counsellor isn't exploring this then I'd be wondering if their suitable. 

Horses do impact my life and therefore my relationship. These are some of the complaints my partner could have:
- I can't live in the city
- I can't move to live overseas
- I can't go away spontaneously
- I have to live more frugally for my horse
- Many days half my day is taken up by my hobby limiting the activities I can do
- Horses always take up the nice weather days
- Locations and jobs are limited by the horse facilities in the area 
- In times of poor feed or injury I muse attend the horse once or twice daily severely impacting on our day to day life
- Horse feed lives in our laundry
- I don't make enough time for my partner
- I don't have the time/desire to engage in shared activities 

These complaints I think are all reasonable. Horse people must be really horrible to in a relationship with. I know I would hate it. While friends are travelling or having lovely weekends, picnics, walks, I might say no, I have my horse etc.These are reasonable complaints and they can be worked through. 

What isn't reasonable is complaints of the cost of the horse just because your partner doesn't value it, complaints about lack of time not because he wants to do things and spend quality time but because he wants to be the priority. What isn't okay is your partner not understanding what it means to you, not valuing you. Find out what the problem is and talk through if it is reasonable or not, try and work out the real issues.


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## IndiesaurusRex (Feb 23, 2011)

As an outsider, so taken with a pinch of salt, my gut is to say that the relationship won't be worth it in the end.

I was once in a relationship that started out wonderful, became controlling, and ended up abusive. It is difficult to see the slippery slide yourself until you hit that last part, and even then, "love" can make you do and think funny things. With my ex it started out with very minor infractions, "Babe, I'd rather you stayed in tonight, lets watch a film", "You never spend any time with me, you're always out", but that quickly turned into "You're *not* going out".

Safe to say, I cut my losses very quickly when it comes to relationships now, and thankfully my current fiance is the most wonderful, understanding person I've ever met.

A friend of mine was married for nearly ten years. He never liked her cats, but tolerated them to begin with. In the end he used them as a bargaining chip in the divorce, threatening to have them put to sleep if she didn't do things the way he wanted.

I hope you haven't been overwhelmed by the responses, and I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you decide to do with regards to your relationship.


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## Rainaisabelle (Jan 2, 2015)

I'm probably reiterating what has already been said as I haven't had time to look at all the other posts.

In the end you have to decide whether this relationship is more important then your dream.


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## Change (Jul 19, 2014)

When I met the man I was married to for 18 years, we were both in the military, in NC. I had a horse at home with my Mother who lived in AZ and accepted that with the frequent moving required by a military life meant I couldn't have it with me. I was, however, training a horse for someone else. Shortly after we met, I had a pretty serious accident at work and he took care of me. I ended up moving in with him and, due to my injury, said goodbye to the horse I was working.

While we were living together he made it pretty clear he didn't like my spending time with my friends who were other men, so I just sort of stopped hanging out with them. We would hang out with his friends, and I was supposed to hang with the wives and talk of wifely things. I was an aircraft mechanic and much preferred the conversations of cars and such over babies and laundry soap, but I did the "proper" thing and suffered learning which cleaners really do get spots out of carpet.

Time passed and we moved to a base closer to AZ that actually had a stable on base. I was "allowed" to have my horse and he seemed to enjoy that it made me happy. I was not, however, allowed to go on trail rides with my other horse friends because that would leave him on the ground back at the barn. Basically, I was giving up the rest of my social world in order to have my horse.

A few years later, we bought property that allowed me to have several horses, and again, he was completely supportive because they were at home. No friends of my own; just my horses, our kids, and him. He built my barn. He'd feed in the mornings as I got the boys ready for school. He learned to help with ground work when I was breaking in colts.

During that time, I had also started writing and trying to get published. Again, he was supportive of my hobby because I was doing it at home... until I sold my first story. He was incredibly jealous of the happiness and joy I got from something outside the family. 

I didn't see it from the inside, but over the years he almost completely isolated me. Our last assignment, we lived fairly close to my parents. They were always welcome to come visit us, but if I wanted to go spend a day with my Mom, he'd want me home within an hour of my arriving at my folks - unless he and the kids were with me.

He spoiled me in so many ways, indulging me in things that would keep me close, but at the cost of restricting everything else. I had my kids, my horses, and my writing but gave up friendships and freedom. I had everything I wanted but I was miserable and lonely.

In the end, when he would ask why I took so long at the grocery store, or get angry because I called a co-worker by name instead of rank, I finally saw what my parents and siblings had been telling me for years. I decided it was time for a divorce.

I ended up having to give up my horses for several years after the divorce because I was not financially able to have them, but you know what? It was MY decision and I was okay with it. 

Your story, though different, is very similar to mine. He wants to isolate you. Mine did it by indulging any whim that kept me at home. Yours is doing it by trying to remove competition. Same thing. Here's what you're looking forward to:

You're going to give up on making your own decisions and you are going to be miserable. Today it's about the horse. Do you have your own circle of friends, or has he robbed you of them, too? Does he insist that you do things he likes? Has your social circle shrunk to just HIS friends?

Please please please look at what you have already forfeited for this man and imagine what else in your life he'll want to eliminate beyond the horse. Don't spend 10-20 years giving up on yourself in favor of him. It is really hard to find yourself again after all that time.


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## elkdog (Nov 28, 2016)

I got a horse for my wife and it was the best trade I ever made!
One day she said to me "I think we should separate." My reply was "Can I have your horse?" We always rode each other's horse anyway so we traded.
My vote is if he won't support your dreams then move on. We only get one run through this life. I have more past than future now. One thing I don't regret is sacrificing happiness for co-dependency. The trick is to not be selfish and hurt others. I'm still working that one out!


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

As a divorcee, dating another divorcee, I can tell you that this is only the beginning. If you are already fighting so badly you need counseling, and you're not even married yet...RUN. Run, do not walk, away from this man.

As others have said, it's not about the horse. It's about him expecting you to make his life make sense, which is not something you are able to do. You can't reach inside him and fix what's wrong - no human being can do that for another human. At this point, he is angry and resents you for having something you love outside of him.

Even if you got rid of your horse, it doesn't stop there. It means you now resent him for making you give up something that is literally a part of who you are. And I can tell you that if it wasn't a horse, it'd be something else. 

Basically, this is the kind of person who views love as a finite resource - something that, if given to another thing, means there is less for him. A mature person with a healthy view of relationships, who is ready for marriage, does not see you loving things outside him as a problem.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Has the OP ever responded back to any of these posts?


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## DannyBoysGrace (Apr 6, 2013)

I haven't read the replies.....
I don't think the issue is with the horse in the slightest, he's projecting the issues onto the horse and if you sell the horse, the issue will be projected onto something else.

This is just a stab in the dark but have you found yourself to gradually have lost friends since your relationship started?


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## DannyBoysGrace (Apr 6, 2013)

6gun Kid said:


> Listen to me now, run, don't walk away from this relationship. It isn't about the horse at all, it is about control. If I read this right, you bought the horse without his "blessing" and he has been jealous ever since. I watched my baby sister marry a guy that resented everything she did. She had a dog, he complained she gave the dog away. She went to school to be a dental hygienist, he complained every single day she was at school (****ed sure didn't mind the money she made after though). She joined _his_ bowling league (at his request) so they could spend more time together, and he complained they never had "alone" time. Final straw she showed up at our father's 65th birthday with a fat lip, he didn't want her come because Austin to Beaumont was too far, and the gas was too expensive. My brother and I went to Austin the next day, she moved home, and he had a few (dozen) stitches.
> What I am trying to say is abuse starts small and escalates, first it is about control and then it is about enforcing control. If you have any kind of sass like my baby sister, the only way to control you will be physical. So, get out now. Life is not about somebody telling you where to go, but finding somebody who wants to go along for the ride.



I have to agree with you 100%! My best friend of 3 years waited for my depression to be at it's lowest before flirting (he had admitted feelings a year before though), I went from trying to kill myself to having a boyfriend a week later. As my depression started getting better, he started pointing out faults with my friends, I lost all but 2. Every man I spoke to was trying to take me away from him. My birthday came up, decided to invite all my old friends to patch things up. One wasn't able to get a lift home so she and my boyfriend stayed the night. The next day, he very nearly hit me for "not wanting to be with him" I tried to dump him on facebook and he actually refused to let me so I went on acting single.

I hope the OP gets away from this situation and fast.


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

cajunqueen929 said:


> Over all, we are both messed up and have some issues we need to deal with.



This alone is a good reason not to continue this relationship. Two messed up people rarely make for a good relationship.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

This OP hasn't been back since the first post.


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## jgnmoose (May 27, 2015)

cajunqueen929 said:


> I'm in a bit of a pickle when it comes to my relationship and my hobby - riding. My fiance and I have been going through some tough times here lately and we have been going to counseling each week. Today, we went and were talking about how much he hates the fact that I have my horse and it is causing some very serious issues in our relationship. The day before we got engaged (3 years ago), I purchased my first horse at the age of 24. I was so thrilled to finally have my first horse after screaming for one ever since I came out of the womb. Little did I know that weekend would shape our relationship into a hell hole.
> 
> Like any horse, she has been costly but relatively on the cheaper side of things! Knock on wood, never have had to have the vet out, farrier is $40 a month, and I pay less than $150 each month as well so I feel like I am doing pretty darn good for owning a horse. My fiance and I are on a tight budget but we've made it work. When we talked with our counselor today, she was mentioning how having the horse is hurting the relationship but there are several other factors involved - my fiance has no idea what he wants in life. Over all, we are both messed up and have some issues we need to deal with.
> 
> Now what I am beating myself up over is if I should get rid of my horse in hopes of our relationship working out or keep the horse and move on? Our relationship just hasn't been the best and we've been working on it, riding is my outlet to relieve stress and anxiety. If I lose her, I lose a part of myself. I just don't know what to do any more! I am so broken inside and have had some seriously disturbing thoughts cross my mind due to the amount of stress my life has put on me. Anyone have any suggestions or ideas? I am so alone.


Tough advice for a tough spot.

You were meant to have horses in your life. That will always haunt you if you don't have them. Ask a thousand people who are in their 40s and 50s, successful and feel empty.

Your fiancé has to accept the entire whole you. You are a horse crazy fool (I'm one too) and part of what makes you happy and balanced is horses. I think there are like 100 country songs about taking a girl away from home to the bright lights of the city only to lose her for a better deal, going home. Homeboy needs to do some math.

For every young couple struggling over dogs, cats, horses... there is a middle aged couple willing to throw everything away to move to the country and have a few of everything. You will change, he will change. Slow down, enjoy the things you can while you can. Corporate America is happy to give you money in exchange for happiness for as long as you can stand it.


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## DannyBoysGrace (Apr 6, 2013)

LoriF said:


> This OP hasn't been back since the first post.



She may be reading without knowing how to respond. It's a lot to take in and if it's a controlling relationship as I believe it to be, she may be scared of opening it around her OH.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

DannyBoysGrace said:


> She may be reading without knowing how to respond. It's a lot to take in and if it's a controlling relationship as I believe it to be, she may be scared of opening it around her OH.


You may be right. I just hope she's ok, the last three sentences of the post got to me.


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## DannyBoysGrace (Apr 6, 2013)

LoriF said:


> You may be right. I just hope she's ok, the last three sentences of the post got to me.


Me too. Hopefully she'll see it soon.


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

She hasn't even logged back on since she made this post :-( . I also hope she's okay and maybe is reading as a visitor.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I hope so. If she is see this, know people here care. All advice was on point and straight to the point. But it's because folks care.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I hope she sees this soon too & logs back in. It'd really benefit her to see our posts, to get many opinions but yet the same answers. <3


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## Kerry67 (Dec 20, 2016)

Farmers Only.com! Seriously, I hope you figure it out....I was in a horrible relationship for 15 years and now found someone amazing. And, she is a horse person and has turned me into wanting one.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

I never married because I always considered myself to selfish to give up work that I loved to be tied to a man and probably children. I can honestly say that I do not regret it one iota. 

I certainly would not be dictated to by any man or a councillor! 

Keep the horse, ditch the man and move on.


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## NightFell (Dec 3, 2014)

Probably echoing a lot of what folks are saying here, but my two cents- do what makes you happy. If your fiance spent the time getting to know you right, there would be no question in his mind that the horse means more to you than just a "pet" or a "hobby". It pains my heart to hear that you are going through this...I really hope things work out, one way or another.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

If someone truly loves you, they want you to be happy.... anyone who loves you, and is comfortable in their own skin, would never ask you to get rid of your horse, or anything else that mattered to you.

I would dump him like a hot potato and be thankful that I found out what a selfish and uncaring jerk he was before I married him.

Sorry to be so blunt, but.... it's true.


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## DannyBoysGrace (Apr 6, 2013)

Has anybody heard from her?


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Still waiting for her to respond on here.


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## cajunqueen929 (Dec 14, 2016)

So sorry I haven't gotten back to you guys! Been crazy busy and don't frequent the forums (as much as I should)! I've gotten a ton more answers than from the last time I checked and will read each one once I'm in my right mind - I'm recovering from an illness and wicked dizzy so I can't think straight hahaha! Thank you all for the amazing responses already and I can't wait to read them all and again, I totally apologize for my negligence in responding to you all!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Just so glad you are back. Know you where thought about. Hope you feel better.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Whew glad you are back! Go clear your head & read all of our responses (it's a lot, I know!) & let us know how everything is.  Hope you feel better soon.
Welcome back!


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

Agreed, just glad to hear that you're (mostly) ok. Hope you feel better quickly, being sick sucks.


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## DannyBoysGrace (Apr 6, 2013)

So glad that you're back! :O


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