# Coming out with my eating disorder, the war inside my head



## ChitChatChet (Sep 9, 2013)

((hugs))


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I don't know that much about it other than it has to be all consuming, you seem to realize that therapy is the way to go. Hope you are on your way to a better future.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

This most recent battle was triggered from a heartbreaking breaking up with an amazing guy of two years right before Christmas...

But after much reading and learning more about my illness, it makes sense. 
The heart arrhythmia and chest pains, the severe acid reflux, the always being cold and shivering, the body aches, headaches and migraines and the just wanting to sleep.

I have never been over a size 1 and normally after getting to size one I loose weight to fit into my 0's cause that is more comfortable for me.

Its now ever more in my face then ever, grocery stores, mirrors my home, my family.

I can go three days with just eating enough to not pass out and then when I finally allow myself to eat I overdue it, to much to fast and the guilty feelings start over again and the three day fast starts once more. 

I have trained my body to survive off the fallowing, get up and ignore the stomach pains from hunger, go work out and run 6 miles, turn on your music to drown out the thoughts. take a cold super hot shower to sweat even more...try not to pass out... put on my size 0 jeans and spend over an hour trying to be okay with y refection in the mirror, go to the store and get my odwalla naked protein drink, chug it and have a small chocolate bar....im good.... if there are some chips then ill take just a handful and eat them slowly. Dinner is chai and a half a peice of toast if someone making me eat a family meal that i will not eat all of. If we go out I either over eat or pick at my food there is not in between of just feeling okay....either im still hungry and but cant finish it or I am going for seconds and then must work it off....

This is a cycle in my head I cant break. I am used to it and familiar to it, I know my rules, I know its worked. "i Haven't passed out yet" is my excuse 

its a dang war.


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## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

I have nothing truly helpful to offer - since I have never dealt with an eating disorder, it is completely foreign to me, so I wouldn't know how to help. But, offering support for you! At least you've come to the point where you know you need to come out about it and seek help. 

Good luck.


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

Big hugs to you Klassic. I have a few friends who have battled eating disorders, I know how real the struggle is. I am glad to hear you are looking into help. I sincerely hope you find one that fits for you. 
Please know we are all here for you, Horse Forum is such a supportive community and we want the best for you.


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

I can't give you much advice, but I do want to tell you that YOU CAN learn to love yourself for who you are.I know, because my own mother, who is my rock and my best friend....suffered from the exact same thing. At 5'4 she weighed 73 lbs and her body was shutting down. If she had lost one more pound they would have hospitalized and force fed her. Yet she still thought she was fat. She binge ate as well.

It stemmed from her lack of love for herself....her inability to see what other people saw in her. But with support,.a lot of strength, and patience with herself, she has learned to love herself. She still battles.it, and she is sometimes insecure, but she.is winning.  

If you're interested, send me a pm. I bet she would be willing to talk if you needed someone without a ”oh poor you” outtake. I believe in you!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Thank you guys so so much.
Im working up the strength to try a 12 step meeting...super scared though


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I understand it can be scary. Let us know how it went. Who knows your sharing could be helping someone not quite as far in coming to realizing need / seeking help.


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

Not the same thing, but I do understand what you're saying...about how it's kind of worse when you finally decide to tell people about whatever you've been dealing with. I have dermatillomania....quite severe, actually. It's a BDD if you haven't heard of it, and it's horrible. I hid it for 8 years before getting to a point where it was endangering me, and I found out that it actually was a disorder. Telling my parents was the single most scary thing I've ever done and I often feel like they're constantly watching me now. Them pointing out when I'm doing it doesn't help me fix it, but I know they care. It IS tough to deal with though. So I guess I, in my own special way, can relate. My BDD is similar to yours in the sense that we do what we do for very similar reasons, so if you ever want to talk to ME, feel free to PM for that too  I'm a pretty good listening, unjudgemental ear by this point. haha. I'm beginning to overcome mine as well, but girl it's hard! Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar. But it's worth it.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

As hard as it is please, please get take that final step in getting help. I have a cousin who is anorexic and in her mid 50's. She looks 30 years older than she is, had to have knee replacement surgery last year and all her teeth are getting loose so she has to wear what looks like the invisaline braces to keep them from falling out. All from not getting enough nutrition to feed her body. 

I'm routing for you to conquer this disease! With the right help and support, I know you can do it.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

I do hope you get the help and the strength to get yourself into the path of wellness.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Thank you all
I made an appointment for this afternoon to go talk to an old counslor, someone I trust. Though I am not ready for any kind of treatment at this point I am doing my best to seek out help and see what is out there for when I am ready.

I have to figure out stuff with my health insurance still, That is on my to do list today.

I ate dinner last night, even if it was very small, I fraught my anxiety and ate. I felt awful but I did it and didnt go work out. That is huge.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

So proud of you Klassic! I can't imagine what it is even like, but I do imagine just talking to others about it, and seeking help, is a HUGE step, and not an easy thing to do. I know your friends and family must be so proud of you too.

I have a dear friend who is anorexic, we've been friends for 32 years, I'm not sure what I can do to help her, she's like a sister to me.... she is so horribly thin that we are worried she may not live another year. It's such a wretched thing... I wish my friend would speak to a counselor.

So very happy you ate last night, even a little bit... it is a brave step in the right direction for you.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Amen Remali. I am so happy to hear this also. Keep it up Klassic. Update often. We are here every step of the way. Especially when you have negative thoughts/urges.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

It is very very hard.
I really thought coming out would make it all go away? or better? Or have people say Oh no thats not you, your just small...but instead I got...yup we love you and its okay cause we have known this for along time and keeping an eye on you....that nothing can be done until its on my own terms .....like what no....its like teaching a horse contact you build them up and support them and are their partner but then it comes time to test how true your outside rein connection is and you release for a few strides with the inside....its like omg I am have to do this now? its all on me?

I know its not all on me, that I have support and that I have a team bigger then I even know and it will grow through recovery .... but I cant help but feel overwhelmed by all this being my responsibility...before I came out I felt it was just in my head and no one knew or had any clue.

Remali, my best friend has seen me through all this, at my worst and at my best....

Maybe this will help?
Knowing you have someone who does not judge you or pitty you but there no matter what is seriously the number one best thing. She sends me pick me ups all the time, reminds me of inside jokes and even if its just for a moment I smile and breath and let go of this weight its huge and I find it so much eaiser to breath and keep going...


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Thanks Klassic, I needed some good advice.. I have just not been sure how to approach my friend... or even if I should approach any health issues with her at all. So far I have not said anything to her, although once I did send her daughter a message and asked her daughter how her mother was doing, and said I was worried about her health (my friend also has some other health issues, shoulder joint issues, and I thought it best to stay generic and not specify what health issue), sadly that went over like a lead balloon with my friend, she seemed upset with my asking how she was... although I gently told my friend that I would not be much of a friend if I didn't care, and she agreed. 

I think, and I hope, that as time goes on for you, that you won't feel quite so overwhelmed, it sounds like you have a wonderful support system, and a great friend, who are willing to make things less overwhelming for you (if that makes sense). One thing I have learned with my own health issues is that I try to just take it on a daily basis, and I try to not worry too much about tomorrow.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

I can see how it would upset her how you went through someone else and not going to her...Maybe write a letter? I love writing its a great way to get things out only my problem is I get stuck letting it out and obsess and go on and on and over think things and then get angry and the i write more because it makes sense....and cause I am not thinking about food...

but I still think a letter on how you are just there no matter what, for when she wants to talk if she ever does...tell her that even if sitting in silance together you are there for her...that you love her, that she is enough


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

My friend's daughter and I are on Facebook, as friends... I had sent her daughter a PM to tell her I liked the new pictures she had recently posted of her little boy (she has a 2 year old), and I added that I hope her mother was doing well and I was somewhat worried about her mother, and hoped her mother would retire early (she has talked about retiring early). And, that was about all there was to it, and really all I said... so I was pretty taken aback that even that caused my friend to become upset. I have tried talking to my friend about her possibly retiring early and perhaps getting some medical help (she has some physical issues going on right now that interfere with her work, she had told me she is thinking of retiring early), so, I guess I am unsure as what to do or even if I should do anything.... a letter, I think, is a great idea!! Thanks! It does seem that my friend does not want to talk about anything at all at this point, sadly.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I do hope you can find someone to help you through this
A lot of anorexia is caused by insecurities and the feeling that you have no control over anything in your life - but you can control what you eat - or rather don't eat. 
If you can fight it one day at a time you can overcome it - but most of all you must learn to 'love yourself' for who you are and not what you think you look like.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Hope your appointment went well.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

*Amazed*

Im simply amazed by all the responses I have recieved here and want to thank all of you. reading your messages helps even if its just for a little bit....you guys are helping and I cant thank you enough.

So I talked to my sister who has been in and out of recovery for over 12 years, who has struggled with insurties and so much more for so long....I felt like I always had to be perfect for her, pick up her slack, show her no weakness, that nothing was wrong with me and in turn I can see how now that probably didnt help her feel better about herself even though I showed her so much love and support and always there to talk about her issues, good and bad days. 

Well now the focus has changed. She recently had a huge relapse and just got out of jail....this shook me to the core when I found out. I was heart broken as she almost had a year clean and then her new boyfriend got her into meth of all things....I truly think this was a trigger for me...I couldn't control her sobriety or her actions or her health so I took it out on my body.

She is now 12 days clean, she is living in a clean house, she is attending meetings and we are talking again. When I came out to her last week about all this she got very emotional and spaced out I think in shock, She has also known something was up. I'm always busy, if I find spare time I go do something, I'm always working out, or riding or working a job or going to do something and never talk about my health.

yesterday morning she called and I didn't wanna talk, just was tired but she texted me to call her so I did and it wound up being an amazing two hour long talk. She cried telling me she was so proud of me and told me how strong I was....and as much as I like hearing that I honestly don't see my strength and power in all this of coming out....I feel so messed up and even more now then ever. It gets worse before it gets better. It is so emotionally, mentally exhausting and add the no eating my body just says blah. 

Yes I have control over what I do and don't put into my body - yes this is a control issue....but its complicated I cant just choose to eat this and that....I know the feelings that.

So last night after my meeting - ill talk about that in a little bit. 
First off I wanna say I had a good day yesterday. I felt free from being trapped in my head and my hunger and guilt and fears where not screaming at me... I caught up with a friend I have not talked to in years and that has been a great thing as he is super super supportive and there. 

I had my normal naked protein drink at 830am (I normally wait until noon) but I had it and didn't feel guilty or gross....that is the one thing that doesn't give me those feelings (i think because it has no flavor and it I am not looking at it as food.

I chilled at home for once, I didn't do anything but watched tv. 
I then went and cleaned my trainer barn and came back home to get ready for my session and all of a sudden I felt so sick and sacred and wanted to back out, I was counting down the minutes. 
BUT....I did it I made it there and for some odd reason my thought we would just pour into my starving myself all my extreme restrictions....Now this is someone I used to see when I was 13 so 10 years ago and wow has so much changed.

We talked about so much my brain was trying to keep up. 
We talked about all my loss first, all the moving. From age 15-23 I have moved 10 times.... I am now in a stable place as we bought a house last year.

We talked about loosing a lot friends, suicide, car accidents, and the total for that this year....8 I have lost 8 people I loved dearly and I know I have not processed any of it. Including my father almost two years ago. I have not been able to go back to his grave. It is too painful.

We talked about me gaining 6 more siblings and most with kids after meeting my father...but here is the catch I met them all at my father funeral and I think that was extremely traumatic to me as all they talked about was me and my very sick bio mother who was very sick even then (thus 24 CPS calls and police taking us) I was bombard with horrifying stories while having just heard the gun salute for my father funeral...I still cant process it.

We talked about my pill use when I was in a abusive relationship for 4 years and how he came after me this year and things got very physical and how just recently him and his friends have been harassing me through texts (yes blocked!) 

We talked about my recent break up that happened two weeks before Christmas and how two months before that my bestest friend in the whole world, my person my go to moved 3000 miles away and How I went to seeing her everyday and before that living with her to now 4 months apart and I dont see her until April..facetime is NOT the same but we still get in hours dance parties!

We talked about my eating
we talked about wondering how malnourished I truly am.
I have not had a period in 7 years....I have just a handful of times and its never normal or the same as the last....

So then I was future tripping and this why I feel not ready at all for nay treatment for then a 12 step program right now.

What if they put me on anti depressants? What if they decide I need to be partially hospitalized? What if I have so many doctors I go crazy ...wait I already am lol (not putting myself down) what if so many things. 

So my meeting, my first counseling appointment in 10 years. 
I went to the last person I saw, they have all my past information and so it was easier not to have to re open my whole story about adoption and school issues.

I survived the meeting, we talked about networking with other specialist that can help as she is not trained or certified with my illness....god its weird to say its an illness not just my stupid fault. so strange....

This morning I just got my health insurance stuff sorted out and that is awesome...

Anyways I am off to get chill before going to clean a barn and then go to work and then take care of a friends horses tonight.

Thanks again. your supportive words help so much!!
You guys are great!


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Oh boy that is a lot to read.....lol


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## 4hoofbeat (Jun 27, 2013)

(hugs)
i don't know what to say, just wanted to show support.


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

Klassic, I am super proud of you! Sounds like an exhausting but productive meeting. Realizing it is an illness and not a fault is a HUGE step and I hope you can internalize it and understand the importance of the distinction. Keep up the good work, it'll be hard for a while but it does eventually get better.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

I still see it as my fault. But im at least saying the truth of what it is...
It is so tiring I feel so drained, I feel like I just got done from a 4 day horse show and just have nothing left...

I still have not eaten yet today but my normal chai ...in fact just made cup #2 must wake up


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

I can relate in the sense that us Dressage riders are expected to be skinny; I've exercised so hard that I've passed out before. I'm always trying to achieve the next level of skinny and then I'm really mad at myself when I fail. I don't starve myself but I have followed some pretty strict diets. 

It really is like an internal war...gotta be healthy...gotta be skinny...but not too skinny or people will start to ask questions...can't get fat either...cause that's just disgusting.

I don't know if you do this but when I feel fat I count the number of people I encounter who are heavier than me...it always makes me feel better...it's so wrong to do that...why do I do that...I just don't know.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

You are doing an amazing job ("job" isn't quite the word I was looking for, but my mind isn't working tonight...), you've had so much to process. And, taking the time to chill... and just sort of relax and do nothing... is a great thing! It sounds like your meeting went well, I am so happy for you!


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Heavens, when I read something as you have written I thank the Good Lord that I had the family life I had. 

You have had way to much weight put on your young shoulders it is no wonder you are sagging at the knees, 

I am both proud and pleased for you, eating without exercising afterwards is one BIG step, going to your therapist is another. Well done, hold your head high and give yourself a big pat on the back. 

(((((((Hugs))))))


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

I wish you the best in your recovery. 

I also thank you for sharing your experience with us. You may encourage someone else to look for change.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Write as much/ long as you like. I am glad the meeting went well, and consulting with other specialists was suggested. I think as you go down this road working on the different things it will become easier. You are definitely on the right track.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Thank you all
Well I'm still not stuck in my head but I can feel myself slipping back and wouldn't be surprised if I'm trapped again in a day or so, sure hope not but it's such a easy place to go and sit and hide and hurt.

I didn't eat at all and by 2pm I was on the verge of passing out, I told my friend and he told me to go to the store and eat anything but something...I did but ugh it was to much and I felt so sick and really it was not to much. I went to a friends -next door neighbor and I got so excited to weigh myself and I was 109.8 and the time before that a few weeks ago I was 111 and tonight I am 107.4 

And I smiled at myself and I felt good seeing the lower number

And what is worse I'm okay with that and want to see a lower one next time I step on and now I really wanna go buy a scale to have in my bedroom

This is why we don't have scales in my house and now I really miss it

I did eat two slices of pizza- but scraped all the top off both and then had about 7 bites of meat loaf tonight and two cookies

I am supposed to go to my first 12 step meeting tomorrow with my sister and I'm finding myself trying to get invited to do other things

I also only got 2 hours of sleep last night and worked all day

Blah
More cookies sound good


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Don't miss that meeting. Keep fighting.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

I wont - I have not seen my sister in over 4 months and I think us doing this together is very healing ... all we are doing is going and listening...I am scared ...so scared I am going to come away an emotional wreck and I hate to be like that...but how I am now isnt working...

anyways I had some apple juice I was craving and I feel bloated lol gross
Its off to bed for me - way long day and supa tired!

Thank you all!


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## michaelvanessa (Apr 25, 2012)

*little and often.*

hiya and pleased to meet you.
you need to eat little and ofden to build up its no good in one go.
eating disorders are a terrable thing.
ill be honest i wish what i know now as i lost a sole mate to me she will all ways be my world.
she was painfully thin and all ways going to the doctor and was anemic looking.
we met at the barn were i was and i took a likeing to her and we got on quite well.
i ended up doing a lot of her stable chores for her as she was tired.
in my hart of harts i could not understand why.
like you i had toast it was burnt.
i nicknamed it after her i called it ness toast.
as her name is vanessa.
we had 4 beautiful years and had a gerat laugh but she was hideing that she had anarexia navosa and balimia.
she cut her self off from me and the out side world she sold her pony the nearest and dearest thing to her.
i tryed to phone her and her mom said she would phone back she never did.
we had a phone conversation for a few hours one day and she seemed ok and we talked about happy memorys.
i receved the fatle phone call she was on a life support machine she lasted 10 days.
and died.
i am to this day beating my self up all the time why did i not know.
i to went down the same road as she did and ended up round a frends house for 6 months lets say rehab my weight plumeted.
i would gorge on food take his pony out for exercise and dis mount when i was in the park and bring the whole lot up.
its easy self taught no thingers.
i went down to about 8 stone and now im 13 stone.
yes i am a guy and i still have my demons nearley 17 years on.
just have small meals and build up from there ok.
your not alone and if you want ill be in your corner helping you out this side of the pond.
take it a little at a time day by day and build up slightley month to month.
i know it like world war 3 in your head but you have to be stroung and try to block that out and keep buzy and focused on your horse or a prodject.
its hard i know i had set a target of running my self in to the ground and hopeing that i would never wake up through exhustion.
i have found some thing out though heaven does not want me and hell is afraid i will take over i keep geting thrown back here lol.
keep in touch.
this is realy skimming off of a sad true story.
and ill be honest true love never dies i still love her the same as the first time i met her.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

*I am so sorry*

I am very sorry to hear about your loss, It s never easy...i have lost 8 friends in the course of two years to suicide and freak accidents...I dont want to be added to the list from doing harm to myself....It is not my intention.


I found this....page that really clicked with me and may help other understand

20 Things Someone With an Eating Disorder Wishes They Could Tell YouÂ |Â Danielle Montgomery

I have had 3 cookies today and tea and a little bit of popcorn and apple juice...so its better then nothing at all...its a baby step?

I am planning on dinner at Olive Garden - I know i will be hungry and I know I need to eat and I can always take it in a box and NOT EAT ALL OF IT FROM STARVING MYSELF UGH its maddening

I am about to head out to catch the ferry and meet my sister ....who I have not seen in 6 months and she is going with me to my first 12 step meeting....she is holding me to it and I am grateful 

I will check in later with how it all went!

Thank you again for all your support....Knowing I am not alone and you are all here encouraging me, not judging me or blaming me....it helps...more then you will ever know. You help me fight everyday

Love you all.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

There will be good days, and bad days too. It sounds like you have an excellant plan and have thought things out well, I like your thinking about Olive Garden (I love that place!). Enjoy your time with your sister!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Hope everything went well last night. I read the 20 things link. Trying to understand this better-and that helped.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Just got to work 
I am excited to sit down and tell you how it went- yes I will be going to work
Totally binged out on dinner
Going to try and have somtning for lunch


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Awesome.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

I feel like posting some pictures, in hopes I'll see what everyone else sees
I am so lost in all this idk even know what I see anymore 

Here goes nothing 
There are a couple from my sisters last night


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I just knew you are vey beautiful. I hope you can see it/ start to believe it. Now that you are on the right track to physical and mental health maybe it will be easier for you to see. Keep up the good work.


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## michaelvanessa (Apr 25, 2012)

*heres some pictures of vanessa.*

























hiya howdy please dont drop no more weight.
just eat little and often ok please.
i know your at war and your not fat so dont listen if that what is driveing you to lose weight.
you will soon end up with an imbalance and start to get anemic as well so please be care full ok.
im here if you want a talk any time.
i know we have never met ok but ill adopt you as a sister now just eat little and often and in each new week increase slightley as you dont want to over load your system.
and your stomach will grow as your avatiete will and also spend time with your horse and burn a small amount of callarys and eat at the barn to to maintain your systems.
and your avatite and strength will come back.
im this side of the pond so i can not keep an eye on you and all i can say is please dont drop no more weight.
michael.


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## michaelvanessa (Apr 25, 2012)

*top picture*

the top picture was her last.
the one with her pony tammy i lost tammy nearley 3 years ago now.
she is all i had left.
the funny thing is that i paired her up with my boy tricky.
in the end thay were like a marred couple.
its ironic thats how we started and thats how it finished vanessa was 23 years old and tammy was 34 years old.
us boys so to speak lost both of our girls from the same fammaly.
the important factor is clare who gifted tammy back to me as clair was the nurse that was looking after vanessa in watford genral whilst she was on life support.
i found tammy i promised i would shes home and all ways will be.the other photo is in a power car of a train the extended version of marrilion keligh reminds me of 4 traction motors takeing her to me she will all ways be on that train.
i have my demons to i said trickys my last but my barn owner sold me quincy so she gave me an extention.
sorry to babble on.
michael.


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## michaelvanessa (Apr 25, 2012)

*i still stand by her for ever.*


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Again I am sorry for your loss
This isn't about me choosing this
I have lost control over needing control
Iv been like this for so long this is all I know so when you say please don't loose more weight...it really is not here nor there it's going to have to be for me and I'm still to comfortable in the space I am...one day I'll be able to start eating meals again 

Tha ks


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## michaelvanessa (Apr 25, 2012)

*ok ks*

ok ks as long as your all right.
sorry for prying and thanks.
its this great big horse forum full of good people that read and reply to your threads and every body ealses like one big fammaly.
and i respect you as a person and your wellbeing.
ok and take care.
michael.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

I can't really provide any helpful comments except to say that you look gorgeous in the pics you posted and I'm glad to hear that you're seeking out help  I hope that through getting help you're able to see yourself as you truly look... a lovely young lady.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Oh I don't feel you where prying
I'm glad you get you could also share your story as it sounds like that was somthing short hard to go through and your a strong person for enduring that and I'm sure your friend and their family are glad you where apart of her life

Are you still friends with them?

I am on a feeling crappy day for myself binge today so sometimes what I say may sound blunt but maybe don't mean it that way


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## michaelvanessa (Apr 25, 2012)

*i am still in contact*

i am still in contact with them.
and her mother i phone her as to put my head round the door thay became devorced and her mum hit the bottle.
she ended up alone and i looked after her for 4 years untill the house was sold and she is back in ireland with the rest of her fammaly and her son.
and her farther i talk to him to and i meet him some times and also at the crematorium and some times for a drink.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

I had a bowl of dry cereal today
That's huge 
Yay


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

Good work! One step at a time, moment to moment is how you beat these things. I have faith in you!


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

I read an article about anorexia being related to an autoimmune disease. Ill see if I can find the article.
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/831302
Http://www.economist.com/node/4455455

It may be worth getting tested for autoimmune diseases.


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

Instead of trying to handle this by yourself, I think you may find help through your doctor.

I have a very rare gastrointestinal disorder where my gi tract is paralyzed. The disease I have is extremely rare with mostly ineffective treatments. Most of my friends in my support group are on iv feedings, get frequent infections and just don't do well. We know what it is like to starve! 

I think you need to consult with a nutritionist. Cookies and chips are not what you should be eating! If I ate like that my nutritionist would shoot me!

The main requirements you need to focus on are protein, and foods rich in potassium. A daily multivitamin is a must. You may need to supplement vitamin D and calcium as well. Possibly magnesium. Vitamins won't cause weight gain so should not be a trigger for you.

I ended up in the hospital with seizures as my blood potassium dropped too low. I felt fine prior and had been at the barn for a few hours. I felt tired and went to bed. I certainly didn't feel more tired than normal so there was no reason to suspect. I woke up with the paramedics and police in my room. My mom walked in to find me seizing. I have no memory of it, and if my mom had not found me, I would have gone straight back to sleep!

Let me just say you can't tell if you are going to have a medical event due to malnutrition! Especially if you push yourself to keep going when you feel tired.

My blood sugar has dropped too low before as well. That was more obvious as I got extremely irritable and felt like I needed to lie down right away. I now carry a blood sugar test kit everywhere I go.

I used to only be able to ride for 15 minutes without becoming light headed.

I had to see a neurologist as I developed problems walking related to malnutrition! My legs would collapse when I was walking. Forget about being able to work or ride the horse!

I have early onset arthritis. I have a friend who has severe osteoporosis from not being able to eat.

Please get a nutritionist to help. Don't get as bad as I did. I was lucky as I had a team of doctors working on my case. None of my doctors ever told me it was in my head. 

There is absolutely no reason for you to go through this alone.

I have almost beaten an incurable disease. So can you. It took me four years to get stabilized. I've gained weight back. I no longer have trouble walking. I can ride the horse again. I'm on the right medications. 

Get a doctor to help monitor your condition. Blood work is important in catching nutritional deficiencies and make sure to monitor your bone density.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Klassic Superstar said:


> I had a bowl of dry cereal today
> That's huge
> Yay



Awesome!! You're doing great!!


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

I'm so sad for your loss Michael, beautiful photos.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

No dinner Yet and its going on 830
but I had two chicken strips today for lunch and tea
Not hungry at all.... hopefully soon


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

Klassic, how have you been doing? I was chatting with an old roommate who struggled through an eating disorder and I thought of you. Hoping you are healthy and well.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

*Checking In*

Hey guys

Its been a while, my bad!

I have had my ups and downs yesterday was the first day in too long again that I had 3 meals in the day and I went to my meeting! Missed last week cause I just was to in my own ****.

So my mom and I had a good talk and have had a couple of these.... but this last one has left me angry so freaking angry....not at all with her....but with my adoption and with my biological mother....

So pretty much the conversation was about how I have always had a big problem with food, but my mom (adoptive) being so amazing she didn't fight me on it, anything I would eat she always had for me....I was mainly a picky eater as a young kid and when I didn't want to eat I just wouldn't....I wouldn't throw a fit I just wouldn't eat the food in front of me...or I would eat 2 bites and play with it.

My mom was telling me how not only have I always been like this, but hey there is a reason!!

So some of you kind of know my adoption story... I will keep it brief

I was a premi and when I was taken home by my bio mom who was a raging alcoholic and drug user she left me, I was starved of nutrients while cooking in her and then for the next 4 months until the 24 CPS calls got all of us out. 

I was then taken straight back to the hospital and put in NICU for Failure to thrive and they thought I was not going to make it....

I did....I am here.
But this is why my brain turns to not eating as the first thing when I feel off or un happy or sad or mad or confused and angry and all that...this is how I was programmed from the start.

So Iv been really angry about that...You know if it was my fault I could blame someone I can blame her but I already have so much anger for her it feels pointless to be more angry....

I had bacon and oatmeal this morning, I had a huge protein smoothie for lunch and then for dinner I am having a big steak!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Certainly seems like you are on the right track. Happy to hear, keep going.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

SOrry its been a minute since I was on here last - things got bad and I didnt eat for about a week (enough to not die) and had some pretty bad thoughts going on through my head.

I am doing better now, I am on day#3 of 3 meals....next is lunch....

I am looking into moving across the country to be with my best friend and see if a fresh start helps....its just getting the money for the move...


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

When things start to turn bad, come on here.


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## nessie (Nov 29, 2014)

Hi Klassic Equine,

So sorry you are going through this. Just take each day one at a time and any improvement is a success! Just the fact you created this thread is awesome, it means you recognize there is a problem. Only once you acknowledge there is something wrong can you begin to get better, and it sounds like you are doing better in some ways. There will be tiny steps forward and also steps backward. But as long as you keep going forwards not matter how many times you go backwards, you are winning!

I have also suffered from eating disorders. Both extreme picky eating and anorexia. As an aside it is interesting someone brought up they may be autoimmune disorders. I tested positive for antinuclear antibodies a couple of years ago, but dont have an autoimmune disorder. Although that is a different thing from what they were looking at in that study. However, false positives are common in the one that was positive for me and I was at the lowest titer that is considered a positive result. But still interesting nonetheless.

Anyways what helped me was my first horse. I never had enough energy to ride him. So I began to eat enough to just have enough energy to ride. Then slowly began eating more and more. I hope you can find something that gives you a desire to get better. It seems like you use horses as a way to burn more calories. I used to initially too, until I no longer could.

I'm rooting for you! If you want to private message me for my email youre more than welcome to. I'm happy to talk with you more and help you out!


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

DAY 5!....expact I drank tequila with dinner and i have no hunger for dinner


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

I meant with lunch jeeze


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

*Good News*

Hello, its been awhile since posting here. Things have been all over the pace. 

I am in the works of getting into treatment as my depression has just put in such a place of "I give no *** about myself, my life or anything anymore" I wound up having a severe panic attack yesterday morning after having a complete emotional breakdown the night before. 


I want to get better but I don't care to get better, its tricky.

So I wanted to check in with you guys, I hope to tour The Emily Program today or tomorrow if possible and start from there.

Thank you all for being here and supportive. I wish I could say I'm eating okay but truth is I am lucky if I get one real meal in a day....I'm spiraling downhill fast with no care that its happening but I'm getting help...or trying to.


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## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

Good for you looking into help. I know just doing that is a huge struggle in and of itself.


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

The fact that you know you need help is big. Taking that step to reach out to get the help is your next step and it sounds like you are making plans to do so.
The Emily Program is fantastic! I do hope you check it out!


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

GREAT NEWS!!
Just scheduled a tour, figured more out insurance wise (what a maddening piece to the puzzle!) 
Tomorrow morning at 930 am I go tour The Emily Program in my area!


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

I had been wondering how you are doing, so happy you are touring The Emily Program... that's the best news ever!!!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Huge news and so glad you are taking steps. Keep us updated.


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

*Thank You*

Thanks guy, I was feeling really incredibly overwhelmed after the tour and still was having huge issues eating anything. After two days I finally just ate a chicken pot pie....not cause I was hungry cause I love them...I bought myself a gallon of chocolate milk because I was craving it....at this point healthy or not anything I put in my mouth to eat is good news. I have gotten in the bad habit of turning to chew gum to fake my body out thinking its eating when its not.

There are parts of treatment that are really scary for me such as:

Group Meal Therapy....They have a big kitchen to learn how to cook healthy meals in....I love cooking...I love food...why in the world does this scare me so much...I suddenly don't want to cook or eat when I read that and then stepped foot into that room. 

Medication....I have never been on any antidepressants...My mom has suggested many many times over the years that it may help and I just **** down the minute that word is brought up. I feel ashamed, like i need fixing like I am broken. I understand if (more then likely there is) a chemical imbalance that is factoring into all this, depression, anxiety and not hungry at all ever. This just makes me feel like curling up in bed....and then what about the side effects, what if I don't like how I feel. What if I forget to take them everyday....or what if they do work and they make me feel better and I could have done this so long ago and I then have been dragging myself along all these years...then what...Totally future tripping and that does no good...

So I slept for the whole day after the tour. Today I got up I cleaned my room (really over the course of two days did I clean it) and I am working on all my laundry - way to many cloths. I feel like I accomplished a lot today....

I have a job interview tomorrow morning....I cant say no to going as my mom is paying for everything and I am excited...structure is good for me....granted its working in the kitchen at a restaurant...I honestly don't know how I will be with that. I think I can be okay with it. It doesn't make me nervous cause I am not making the food for me...the food has nothing to do with me, I just would help rep make salads and such, be a hostess and it could be a good experience....and I could pay for myself again. They told me they are able to work with my schedule, not that I currently have one but they don't need to know that with my anxiety and depression, so I am wondering if we can work out a part time schedule should it work out that I come in during the mornings, off in the afternoons so i have to get up for work, I have to hold myself to that, then have time to ride in the afternoons/evenings or take a nap or go to treatment if I choose that route.

I miss my horses, I still do not have the motivation or drive to go ride, nor the energy....But I have been going out and brushing them and hand grazing them...

I leave for Oregon this week, up in the air on when yet but for sure will be there this weekend and it will be the first time seeing some family I have yet to see in over a year and I don't plan on bringing any of this up yet.

My best friend and I came up with the plan that should i choose treatment we will produce a letter to go out to those I choose shortly explaining what treatment is for the easy do's and don't that help or don't help me. Where they can get answers should they want to learn more or get support in any of it. 

Last night I slipped up in my NO SCALES and at firs I was 108.9 with clothes on, then I went pee and stripped down....WAS SO INSTANTLY HAPPY to see 106.2 That I allowed myself cake...If that doesn't say I am sick....what does?! lol I still don't feel bad enough to go to treatment, nothing has happened, I want to be smaller, I want to be few numbers....I dont know what is going to happen with that.

So that is where i am these days....
Love you all....


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

*Pictures*

Some recent pictures I like from the last two weeks


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

My thoughts:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having to take medication if that is what is needed. Absolutely no difference in having to take insulin, blood pressure, seizure meds, etc. The tricky part is its a little harder than taking a reading, prescribing meds and then adjusting. So there will be a little more fine tuning. There is also no need to stress and beat yourself up over not doing it sooner. You have a long and great future ahead of you. Thats what counts.

I would say please take this opportunity and go to treatment. Everything else will fall into place afterwards. I wish I had a word stronger than please.


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