# Frustrated and feeling sorry for myself



## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

I know I have posted bits and pieces of this before, but I am SOOOO frustrated. After 40 years without a horse, I purchased (stupidly, I know) a 2 year old filly. She has been a dream – never put a foot wrong and is gentle and willing. I had had a horribly stressful last few years – taking care of a mentally ill and abusive mother full time, losing our house and all of our assets through no fault of our own, my husband having a severe heart attack and major brain damage, moving cross country and going back to work at a stressful job when I was at retirement age. I NEEDED her, and I think she just about saved my life. I spent many years doing volunteer work at hospitals, and now she is my ‘therapy horse”.

One month after I purchased her, I was diagnosed with CIDP (sort of like multiple sclerosis). I couldn’t walk, had trouble swallowing and breathing. I drove my Doctors crazy – I told them I didn’t CARE if I could walk, just get me back on my horse! After a lot of treatment, I was able to walk and RIDE. GREAT!!!! Then, little things started causing trouble. I was tired all of the time, and very weak. I finally purchased a beautiful Wade saddle and LOVED it – I have never felt as secure and comfortable in any saddle, but I had trouble lifting it. 

Then another bad spell around Halloween. I spent several months mostly in bed while my beautiful baby just sat in the pasture. I was informed by my doctors that this is my new ‘normal”. My balance is ok but my feet go the wrong direction a lot and I walk like I’m drunk. I have NO strength in my hands. The days I manage to go to the stable my hands don’t have the strength to push down on the curry comb or brush to groom her. Forget about cleaning her feet or her stall. My husband and my daughter have been taking care of her. I can’t saddle her on my own as I can’t begin to lift the saddle and my daughter can’t lift it because of a bad shoulder. My husband hates lifting it and keeps telling me I should get a lighter one, but I fell SO secure in it. I have an English saddle, as I used to ride and train jumpers, but I don’t feel as secure in it with my issues. I had tried numerous other western saddles before I bought this one, and this is the only one that fit both of us. Hopefully I can rig up a pulley to put it on her. I know she’d be fine with it, but to tell the truth, I don’t even know if that will work with my hands and I would still have to drag it out of the tack room. 

Even leading her is difficult. Thank goodness she’s an angel, because I lean on her when I walk to keep my balance, and if I fall she just stands there. I HATE being dependant on anyone to do these things, but I just can’t. 

I want to trail ride on my daughter’s property but my husband doesn’t want me going out alone, and there is no other horse he can ride. I feel safe with Nibbles and my Doberman with me, but he is probably right. I could NEVER get back on if I fell. I don’t want to sell her, but I’m finding I am spending most of the time just watching her until I’m forced to leave and go back to bed. I haven’t ridden her since October, although part of that has been because of the weather. My husband and daughter will ride her, but I just feel like crying. I WANT HER TO BE MY HORSE AND I WANT TO RIDE!!!

I'm not looking for answers, really, because I don't think there are any. I just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

I am so sorry <3 I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you. :hug:

This may be a TOTAL long shot...but is there any possibility of you being able to contact a therapeutic facility in your area, and seeing if they can help you? Perhaps, if you have a way to trailer your mare, she could be taken to the center and you could pay for therapy rides with someone to watch over you (or on bad days, maybe even lead you if that wouldn't bother you too much?) I know the idea of arena riding isn't as appealing as trails, but some facilities actually even have therapy trails that you can ride on. Your mare sounds like she's made of gold, and being able to ride her would be SO good for you. What is a bigger booster than riding your horse? 

They may not be able to help you due to insurance, or maybe your mare would need to go through some certification/training for liability purposes...but its worth a try right? They'd probably even be able to help you saddle your mare, and even help you up onto her if you should ever need it. Most facilities like that absolutely love to reach out and help when they can, even if that help is unconventional.

Either way, you're in my thoughts and prayers <3


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Thank you so much. No, we don't have a trailer, and to tell the truth, trailering her and then riding would probably be too much for me. Really, riding is NOT the problem. I feel secure on her,my balance is good on her, and I feel good riding. Actually, riding is an accepted therapy for M.S. It is just the preparation like saddling and grooming that I have problems with. And yes, Nibbles is gold. I don't know how I was so lucky.


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

Hmmm. Another brainstorm. Can you hire an instructor type person to come saddle up for you and supervise the riding/unsaddle at your home? It really doesn't even have to be an instructor- just someone comfortable around horses who can watch out for you and help you out with the saddling.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

What a spot to be in-have the perfect horse, but the body won't co-operate. Do you have any "horsey" neighbors? Someone that could groom, saddle, & make sure you were on, & maybe ride with you? I would love someone to ride with, even if I had to prepare two horses to do it. Although I prefer not to have a dog around me. I love my dogs, but they are not trail dogs. And I've only seen two really good ones in all my decades of riding. There are just not enough people that obey the leash laws or have well-trained dogs.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

surely there is some young girl who would trade riding time on your horse, for helping you groom and tack up? or anotheer middle aged woman? you might really enjoy the company, too. she could walk with you for her excersize, and she could ride on her own once a week. could be a good trade.

I really cannot imagine how hard this must be for you . I had a friend who had MS, and she had long periods of time where she actually got better, then would get worse, but she had those good times. maybe you can find some kind of treatment that will give you more relief and return some of your strength. I can only wish.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Hey, hope things work out well for you despite the bleakness presently. Some good suggestions above! I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and all the best. God bless. And have a look at alternative treatments complementary to the medical care you are getting - nutritional ones are often good. Nerve-related things aren't fun. I've got unilateral vocal nerve paralysis (variable, sometimes good, sometimes bad but had to give up teaching), a freak thing that happened 5 years ago. I was devastated at the time but I tell you what, I've done a lot better than the specialist predicted (and I stopped going to him pretty soon after diagnosis). I couldn't speak or swallow properly at first but nowdays people who didn't know me before don't always pick there is a problem unless they spend extended time with me. I hope you get better soon (and it CAN happen, no matter what your prognosis).


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I just wanted to offer my condolences. This sounds absolutely awful ): Stay strong, I really hope things work out well for you.

Having someone come around and help out in exchange for riding time sounds like a good idea. Then your husband can rest assured you won't be alone


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## Golden Horse (Feb 20, 2010)

Another one who has no helpful suggestions, just a tiny understanding of what you are going through, and the frustrations you feel. It sucks, hugely, and royally and there is **** all you can do about it, so [[[[hugs]]]

Next.....thoughts, the would it be possibles?

Saddling, a ramp and a platform come to mind, kind of a mounting block deluxe, or a new deck on your house or barn. Keep the saddle on the deck, no lifting involved, well only a little, a short carry from rack to horse, drop it on her back. makes mounting easier as well.

As to riding, some sort of alert thing, or just having your cell phone so if you do fall you can call for help.

If you can't trail ride, would riding in an arena be a good second best.

As I say not so many ideas, but........well my own frustrations and injuries mean that I have got used to looking for solutions to my own issues.


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## hemms (Apr 18, 2012)

A barn I worked at had their saddles hung in standing stalls. Rope pulled under the pommel, looped over the horn. Other end ran through a pulley and down to the side, where the other (looped) end hooked on a nail. Even new horses took to it well. 

Other than having someone out to assist you, what about moving your mare to a facility that would hire out assistance... There would be other horses available to enable trail company. I can't imagine a good boarding facility wouldn't work out something for a little extra $$.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Thank you, everyone, for the suggestions. Moving her is out of the question - she's at my daughter's presently, and we just couldn't afford any of the few boarding facilities near us. Having someone come and ride would be possible - my daughter has 2 older horses that would be ok for a lighter person to ride. The only other alternative is for me to ride one of them and for my husband to ride Nibbles, but, selfishly, I want to ride her. I have thought of putting in a pulley for the saddle to get it on her back - I KNOW Nibbles wouldn't care, and I will probably go that route, or one of the other great suggestions above. I really am thankful I'm as good as I am - the doctors really didn't think I would be able to walk, but I want to ride SO BADLY! I really do feel safe riding alone -my daugher has a lot of trails, but the one loop I ride on is practically within shouting distance of the barn. I take my cell phone, and if I fell, my dog would let whoever was looking for me know where I was. I just get so frustrated - I had all these plans of starting with competitive trail riding and/or getting a trailer and going to all the neat places to ride. I know Nibbles could do whatever I asked her to. I just feel I let her down. I only am able to ride her about 20 times a year, and she has so much to learn and is so willing, but it's next to impossible with the amount I am able to ride, and I just don't have the energy to really 'work' her. Walking the trail is about all I can do.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

What about hiring an assistant? Like a volunteer that you "pay" in rides once in awhile?

Or... go saddle shopping for something less heavy. There are lots of saddle choices out there! As for grooming, you can keep a light sheet on her to keep her cleaner so grooming only takes brushing out versus scrubbing down.


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## Northernstar (Jul 23, 2011)

Customcanines, great big, ginormic hugs and prayers sent to you in all of this! I must say you have _not_ "Let her down"! Not in any way. She is a horse who knows her owner loves her, cares for her, sees to all of her needs, spends time with, and that alone speaks volumes to her! She's not dying to be ridden as much as you're wanting to ride, so _put away all forms of guilt_ in that regard. Do what you can with her, when you can, and if you can't do a lot in a day, just hug/stroke her nose/give her carrots/sit for a while in her pasture and simply enjoy the moments of togetherness.... you'll find such pleasure in those quiet moments


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Hey, I've had another thought. Maybe your horse could be educated to pull a buggy and this would give you something else to do with her that wouldn't be very high impact on you (maybe you could drive with an experienced volunteer who could gear up for you etc). Sure, driving is not the same as riding, but it can be good fun and I'd do it in a flash if for some reason riding became too difficult. If your horse has a calm disposition, it's maybe worth considering. Do you have any driving clubs in your area who might help out?

By the way, is that your horse on your avatar shot? Beautiful animal!


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## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

So sorry……I really think you should look into free leasing her to a therapeutic facility if there is one in your area with the understanding that you can come ride her with their assistance. That way she will be taken care of without additional board costs, and you will have the help you need to ride her safely. Please at least go visit one of these facilities-they really are wonderful. I have one of my horses free leased to one presently, and he over his new job, and I love that he is so loved by all of the clients and staff. I may have to get him back before long tho, since my DH has MS and the MD has recommended riding…..IF we can get past the allergies.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I just wanted to say... Nibbles is the cutest name ever.  Have you discussed any of these new ideas with your husband?


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

I am so sorry! I know exactly how you feel as I'm in the same boat. Have been for 4 years. Do you know what caused/triggered the CIDP? 

I'm sure you've seen the paralysis cases on the news in California linked to enterovirus 68 in children?

I have been sick for 4 years. I caught an entervirus and it paralyzed my GI tract. On top of that I have leg weakness issues- my legs will collapse when walking (as my knees buckle without warning). Sometimes I go to move my leg and my toes drag. The neurologists I've seen have NO explanation, as so far all testing (nerve conduction, MRI) have been normal. Although my GI doctor says I probably have vagus nerve damage, and/or nerve damage throughout my GI tract. 

Right now I'm doing pretty good as I am in between flare-ups and actually eating thanks to a new medicine. 

Goodluck! My mom helps me with saddling/horse care.


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Thank you everyone, once again. It's nice to know I have friends here who will give me moral support. I have to remember that all of us have problems we have to overcome. 

Part of the problem is my daughter's property is very hilly, and we don't have an arena. The only place to ride is the trail or the steet. Thank goodness Nibbles is good on either, but I don't like riding on the street, and wouldn't feel comfortable driving a cart there, as the roads are narrow and winding.

Franknbeans, you may be right about giving her up, but at this point I just CAN'T give her up. Sometimes she's the only reason I get out of bed, even if it is just to watch her. 

Hopefully I'll be able to figure the saddling and grooming thing out. I asked my husband, and he didn't like the idea of hiring someone - he said he would do it. I guess I'll just have to resign myself to the complaints about my heavy saddle and when I don't have anyone to do it, I'll ride bareback, as even my english saddle is too heavy at this time. 

Sue - thank you very much. She is pretty. My vet, who shows in AQHA and palomino shows, said she should be shown, and would do very well. SHe even expressed interest in showing her, but I just don't want to let her leave. I truly believe she is my angel as someone or something certainly led me to her and made me buy her. (I was looking for an older, 'bombproof" gelding, and I hated palominos. I kept seeing her ad, and I finally just went for the heck of it. No vet check,didn't ride her or even really touch her. She was delivered to my daughters an hour and a half after I first saw her, and she has been PERFECT - it's like someone KNEW I would need her.)

Zexious _ My husband named her. he had another mare by that name when he was little, and as soon as he saw this horse, he said "that's Nibbles!" It fits her, as she is constantly gently lipping my hair and hands. I probably shouldn't let her do it, but it never escalates, and she quits when I tell her to.

4 horses - I am sorry you are going through this, too . Nerve problems are no fun. My dioctor is certain it was from all the stress I was under for so long, and I agree. AT times I felt like I was just going to explode and I think my body just said "enough!" Did they test you for CIDP and POEM? I hope you feel better soon and thanks for the support.

THANK ALL OF YOU for the support and suggestions, they are greatly appreciated and I know that by using some of the suggestions, I will somehow make this work. Thanks for letting me rant!


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Also, to Cacogirl - my dobe is VERY wel lbehaved. I used to train and worksearch and rescue dogs . SHe comes perfectly and doesn't bother the horses. I fwel more secure when she's with me, and it's not a public trail - I ride on the coule of hundred acres of trails by my daughter's.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

If I lived close to you, I would come over and saddle up your horse for you, I really would.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

oh, me too! I'd just love to sit and talk horses with you, and all. it's a shame we can only know each other from this cyber forum, but even so, our empathy for your yearning is true.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

You need to keep Nibbles, she is your drive right now & you need that. So she's a pet, a big pet, she won't mind. Heck you ride more than I do!

I agree, find some horse loving kid to help you. When I was young I would have jumped at a chance like that.
Stay tough.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I would, too. (': It's always nice to make friends who share similar interests.

Admittedly, I don't know much about your ailment... Is there any chance you could get better? Enough to saddle/ride on your own? ):


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Wouldn't it be fun to all get together and talk horse? Of course, after reading some of the threads, we might wind up killing each other lol. Zexious, no it won' t get better, it will only get worse, a,though I will have some days that are better than others. Now I have a different problem. My husbamd says if it gets so I can't ride her much, he wamts to breed her in a couple of years so je can raise a colt. He has raised several and ne does a good job, BUT I don't wamt to breed her, no real reason, just don't.


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## Khainon (Feb 24, 2013)

id love to help out too  maybe if i ever come out there i could drop by..help saddle up your girl and we could go riding lol...hey im alloud to dream right? XD i never get to ride with anyone lol


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Come on out. It's not THAT far!


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## ChristineNJ (Jan 23, 2010)

I think free leasing her to a Theraputic Riding School would be an excellent idea. You could go to ride her with help & she could help other people & children!!
Good luck with everything! She's beautiful!


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## Khainon (Feb 24, 2013)

Customcanines said:


> Come on out. It's not THAT far!


rofl! gonna pitch in for gas? XD


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Horses don't take gas


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

They do expel though! Will that work?


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

I agree with others have been saying... I can almost guarantee that since you have a good, well mannered horse that someone would be MORE than happy to groom and saddle up for you in exchange for a little bit of riding time. You could maybe do a "ride for ride" exchange- every time she helps you groom, saddle, untack, and wash off she gets a ride. 

If I read right you said that you didn't want other folks riding your horse, but look at it this way: It sounds like you're only riding once or twice a month. If you had someone helping you then you would probably be able to ride more frequently- maybe once or twice a week. Sure, there may be someone else riding Nibbles, but you could probably be pretty selective about who you picked since you're basically offering free ride time to someone that may not otherwise be able to afford much. You'll get to enjoy a stress-free ride where your horse is groomed/tacked/untacked, and someone else gets to enjoy riding. Sounds like a win-win situation to me, and one of the only options for you to get the sort of rides you need without having to move your horse elsewhere or pay someone to help you. 

I also think that the therapeutic free lease may be something for you to look into. You wouldn't be losing your horse or giving her up. She'll still be under your ownership, and most facilities would probably be flexible and let you ride regularly, even though she's under their care. There would probably be plenty of people willing to help you out with tacking up. I'd highly suggest giving them a call just to see what they say. Calling and inquiring isn't committing :wink:

I'm with most of the crowd- I'd happily groom and saddle your horse for free were you at my barn. An extra 15 minutes of my time would be worth it, and I'm sure that you could work something out with someone that feels the same way!


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

It might!!! LOL


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

Good handling by many people makes a good horse into a Great horse. That's how my past horses, who were my lesson horses, became so "user friendly."
Honestly, if you considered making your horse into a therapy horse where you could be monitored, too, she will ALWAYS have a great place to live and be well cared for.
Have you considered what could happen to your horse if you become unable to ride/keep her? Old horses usually end up uncared for and underfed in a hostile environment. I couldn't do that to my elderly horses, so I kept my good horses to their deaths.
I have even talked to my daughters about what to do if I still own horses when _I die._ Two of my DD's have promised to keep what horses I have left, probably bc they know that they are and will be managable and rideable.


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

Having someone come ride her is a possibility, but I don't have a clue where to start looking. I want someone who won't tear up her mouth or teach her bad habits. Putting her in a therapy program would certainly work if i get any worse, but for now my daughter and husband are riding her (and Corporal, believe be, Nibbles will be taken care of - i have Money put aside for her, and my daughter will gladly keep her - she's the only horse my granddaughter feels comfortable on - she will NEVER be 'dumped". AT 3, she hopefully has many years left. My daughter is keeping two pasture pets now that her neighbor wanted to get rid of) I am also putting in a pulley so I can saddle her easily, so for now, we'll see how it goes. I would certainly like someone to ride with, though, so if you know anyone in my area... ANd like I said, if things get worse, I will keep the theraputic center in mind. I want what's best for her, but I also want to try to keep her. I feel she has really helped me from getting worse, even If I just go groom her. I know I could do that if I leased her to a program, but I would also have to work around their schedule, and with my disease, i never know in advance what days I will be strong enough to ride. It's always sort of a last minute thing . Thank you, everyone , for the great suggestions. I am feeling better about it and can't wait for the SNOw to GO AWAY!!!!!!!!


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

I am very happy to hear that she is a gentle soul. You need that.


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

She is gentle and calm beyond belief - I don't know how I got so lucky.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

My suggestion would be to start asking horse people you know if they know someone that may be looking for a horse to ride. If you have trainers around you then they likely have a few students that are taking lessons, but that can't afford a lease or ownership of a horse. Talk to trainers and tell them what you're looking for: Someone to free lease your horse in exchange for assisting you when you want to ride, a ride for ride trade (each day she helps you, she gets a ride), she gets a few rides per week in exchange for helping you a couple times a week, whatever you're looking for. Explain that you are looking for a kind and competent rider with decent horsemanship skills, and that you want to see the person ride and interact with your horse before settling on anyone. If someone is pointed your way then you could arrange to see them ride, and see how they get along with Nibbles. Then work out the finer points of the arrangement.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Endiku said:


> They do expel though! Will that work?


In theory, yes. There are books in your library in the self-sufficiency section that show you how to make methane gas extractors from manure piles. Harvesting directly from the source Endiku is suggesting would require some kind of direct extraction device, like a hose (maybe not too comfortable or portable) or a balloon (portable, but needs replacing when full) - the problem with both is that they really need a mechanism to separate solids from gas, so the gas can be used directly, and the manure taken to feed your extraction device. ;-)

Once you've figured all that out, you can start calculating how many months/years it will take to make enough methane to power a float trip to take your horse across the country. With kind donations from charitable animal owners, this process could be accelerated significantly, but you'd still have to book in your car to convert it to run off methane. Of course, the irony is that horses themselves used to be a serious mode of transport, powered by renewable energy, while now they are often being towed about in other forms of mostly fossil-fuel driven transport.

At least the methane you're collecting this way is a renewable resource, but it's probably still simpler to do the trek on horseback after all.

Kind of reminds me of that story about the early space race between the US and the Soviets. Allegedly NASA found that biros didn't work too well in microgravity environments, and spent thousands of dollars developing a pen that would. The Russians, meanwhile, just used a pencil. :lol:


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## Customcanines (Jun 17, 2012)

:happydance::happydance::happydance:Had a GREAT day today! Just had 5days of infusions and felt pretty good AND the weather wasn't bad. My husband saddled Nibbles and I rode her - no one has been on her in almost 5 months. She acted absolutely perfect! I expected her to give me some trouble as she's only 3, but she never put a foot wrong and acted like she was happy to be out. With any luck I can go back tomorrow and give her a bath. :happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance::happydance:


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

That is wonderful! It's so great to hear that you're feeling good!


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