# BM has passed...



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Well, Linda died yesterday. S found her somewhere around the property yesterday. Linda is also S's mum.

I've only been there a month, but I really liked Linda..We had the same views on everything and we got along even better than I get along with the two BOs.

Anywho..I'm not sure what to do or say o.o While I didn't know her long, I'm devastated by her death. I want to offer my help around the barn (since she did most of the barn work), but I'm not quite sure how BOs would take it. I don't really know them well enough yet to know how to word things with them.

G (husband) asked for me to stop over yesterday if I wasn't working to help with stalls and turnout since Linda hasn't been feeling great the past couple days, but I was working. As bad as it sounds, I'm kind of glad I wasn't there. I don't even know the address if I were to call 911, nor do I know anything medical for a person. I know me going to help do barn work wouldn't have kept her from dying, so I'm not bothered by that.

But anywho, what do you say to BOs that you haven't known long enough to actually know? I'm thinking a card withmy condolences and to just ask if they need any help. I mean, I use to do the barn when I was leasing in exchange for my lease, so I know how to turnout/bring in, feed, and clean stalls. Of course, they don't know that, but they're more than welcome to call my last BO about it.

But anywho, what would you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maple (Jan 10, 2012)

IMO, in a time of grieving an offer or help is ALWAYS welcomed. Maybe you'll only muck out one morning, in the end they will have noticed you doing so and appreciate it.


----------



## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Offer of condolences and yes, offer of help for sure. Please offer your help more than once over the next month. People often hear your offer, but it doesn't really sink in and then when they do need your help, they may not be quick to ask.


----------



## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

Condolences of course should be offered.
If you can lend a hand now that is great, but if you can offer a hand in a few weeks when all the other offered hands evaporate will be a godsend...

Let the people know now, leave a sympathy card with the message that you offer your help if they would like and then do follow up on it in a few weeks again with them.
By this time the sheer shock of someone unexpectedly dieing is wearing off and so will the extra hands be retreating and your hands could be greatly needed.
Because you bury someone doesn't mean all the endless tasks are done, just a life in general that passes takes weeks at least to put things right in their estate...
An adjustment time and suddenly realizing all the little tasks done by the departed...rather overwhelming it can be.

You have a kind heart...


----------



## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

Just go over and start helping out. Don't ask, just do it. 

You sound a bit callous, You have an entire family that is devastated by this. And you are thinking about yourself?


----------



## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

^I kind of disagree with this...particularly given that you are new to the facilities.

Since you are new, going around doing stuff yourself could cause problems. IE--You may not know all of the boarders/where things are. It could cause unnecessary stress on the BOs to clean up a mess you didn't even mean to make.

As far as being callous... You can only feel so bad about someone you didn't know that well, as well as people connected to them. I don't think you feel callous at all.

I think a card and the offer of help would be perfect.


----------



## twolucid (Jan 14, 2014)

That is terrible. I agree with everyone else, offering to help and actually helping will be very much appreciated in the long run. All you can do is show a warm smile and focus on what needs to be done. Perhaps flowers or a card would be nice but only if you feel comfortable presenting them.


----------



## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Are the BOs related to Linda, or are they just her employers? If it's a family run business I'd offer help, send a card with condolences and offering assistance if needed. If they're her employers then I'd send a card to her family but maintain a business relationship with the BOs.


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Thanks to the majority of you, I appreciate the fact that y'all are throwing an insult in my face over something terrible. I just spent 25 minutes deciding on a card and I'm going to write a note in it as well as let them know in person.

As far as me being worried about myself and being callous..excuse me? Nowhere in my post do I see ANYTHING that points to me being callous and worrying about myself. I'm beyond offended and would absolutely love to know where in there it seems like I don't care, @Taffy Clayton. (hopefully that worked, if not oh well)

It seems that all the sympathy cards people have for sale are all religious..that annoys me. I have no idea if they're religious or athiests, didn't really want a card quoting stuff from the bible...but oh well, I think it's a perfect card.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Posted while you did I guess.
Linda is the BOs mother and MIL (married couple run barn).
So S and G are married, and Linda is S's mother and G's MIL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kaitlynbowles (Sep 30, 2013)

If you are sending a card, maybe put a note in it about being available to help if they need anything with your phone number. That way you offered your help, but don't have to feel as if you may be intruding or doing something they don't want you to. 

And as for the disgusting comment about being callous and concerned about yourself, you just have to overlook some people on this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Yeah..I've realized that, but I'm honestly curious as to Taffy's reasoning on making the comment.

I'm not going to be sending a card, I'll be hand delivering tomorrow. I'm there daily and they all have my phone number already. I did write a note in the card saying that while everyone's situations are different, I have an idea of what losing a parent feels like and that if they ever wanted or needed any help to just let me know.

Not to mention, I can't just go help do something because I don't know how they run the barn yet. I don't know all the horses yet and I don't know the exact schedule..I just know G feeds around 4, Linda mucked and turned out around 8.30-9, and the horses usually get brought back in to eat around 4.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I just wanted to make sure you knew that I was in disagreement with you being callous. D: I made a typo that made it kinda weird sounding. It should have said *sound not feel. "You do not sound callous to me at all". 

Bottom line is everything handles things differently. I think it's very nice of you to offer help and condolences. It's really unfortunate that you lost someone, even if you didn't know them super well. ):


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

LOL I know you were in disagreement  I probably read it as sound anyway and didn't even realize, haha.

I was raised to be polite, offer help, and always atleast condolences..So it's nothing new to me, it's just that I don't know them well and only met them a month ago that's new to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

^Oh phew! I just didn't want you to think I was in the same boat.

I think you are doing the right thing. As I said in my first post, you can only do so much for someone that you haven't known for very long, and I think that all engaged with the barn will understand that.  That you even thought to do something is fantastic, like I said.

/NowI'mGoingInCircles x.x


----------



## SouthernTrails (Dec 19, 2008)

Taffy Clayton said:


> You sound a bit callous, You have an entire family that is devastated by this. And you are thinking about yourself?


Callous? Are you serious?

OP is torn, devastated and not sure what to do, but wants to do something and asking for advice.... 


OP, whatever you decide, I am sure will be the right thing, you sound like you really care and are saddened, just wanting to do the right thing :wink:

.


----------



## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

Another thing that might be helpful is to offer to cook them a meal. In times of pain I am a doer, I cook and clean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Cakemom, if I could cook anything without somehow accidently poisoning it, I would. Last time I cooked the eggs looked, smelled, and tasted great...amd everyone got sick. .-. I appreciate the suggestion though.

Southern, thanks. I'm hoping the card is a good one for them..I spent a half hour in the store deciding on which card to get (but I only think of myself, LOL). It sucked that the majority of them were religious though..coz I have no idea of their beliefs.

But I did get a card, wrote a note on the blank page about losing a parent, offering my help if they wanted or needed it, and letting them know they'll be in my thoughts personally stating that I'm sorry for their loss, with a signature. It even has a nice little picture of a bridge on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wyominggrandma (Nov 4, 2009)

IF you can't cook well, go to the store and pick up a salad or two and take them along with the card. Offer your condolences at that time and say something like" if there is anything I can do to help out for awhile while things are so stressful, please feel free to call me or tell me what I can do to help"
They can either say" well, if you could help a bit by doing xxx in the mornings or evenings, that would be awesome." Or they might say, everything is under control right now, but we might get back to you" 
Either way you are kindly offering to help if needed, but not being pushy or doing something on your own.


----------



## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I think you're right to be cautious and concerned about how you handle this - families quite often 'close ranks' when someone dies and only friends that they know really well are allowed into that circle so someone new to them as you are might be seen as invading their privacy at such a sensitive time
A card is always appreciated and an offer of help with your contact details - an email address and phone number so they can get in touch easily


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Well, I gave them the card with my little note on the side..G teared up when I handed it to him, poor guy. But both G, S, and J (other BM) said it was much appreciated, very thoughtful, and no one thought I was that sensitive. Which, I can understand, I'm not very emotional in front of people and am generally defensive in my body language (own personal issues). I'm really glad they liked it and both G and J said it had S in tears and was a rather personal note (noted that I have an idea of what losing a parent feels like since my daddy died) that was extremely thoughtful.

My phone number and email is in their phones as well as on the board in the barn, not to mention I'm there just about everyday. Tomorrow I'll be going without anyone else (J offered her pony for my friend to ride whenever he's here since pony needs worked), so hopefully I can help out a bit.

But, I'm really glad they liked the card as well as it being very touching to them. That's about all I can do for now, I'll just offer to help whenever I can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

It was very kind of you to go out of your way and reach out to them like that. Good job! :thumbsup:


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Iseul I agree with Taffy's first statement . Go to the barn and help out.
If something needs to be done do it. Especially if it something simple.
If you see the barn owners watering or cleaning stalls help them out.
Actions do speak louder than words and your help will probably be appreciated better than a card . 
Acts of kindness are a blessing that you can give. Shalom


----------



## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

Just wanted to throw in that a LOT of rants that we see on this forum are due to helpful people doing things for other people's horses in boarding situations, and the owners not being appreciative because the helpful person didn't ask first. I think Iseul handled things well. 

I personally wouldn't want something done at my barn without me giving the okay first.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Endiku I am not suggesting that she walk in and take over all the chores.

I posted that if she sees them doing something like cleaning stalls or watering join in.
When my mother died for a couple of weeks people would come out and help me feed the cattle and horses. I truly appreciated the help and the acts of kindness I remember far more than the cards or who attended the funeral.
I was in another world due to the grief. 
People mowed the lawn while she was hospitalized and someone even cut the hay field . To this day I have no idea who did either act of kindness. Shalom


----------



## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

^Like I said in my other post, I think she should still offer instead of just jumping in xD

It's so unfortunate that the BOs/BMs lost someone that was so close to them. I think what you did was perfect. (':


----------



## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Db, the majority of things are usually done by the time I get there, that doesn't mean I won't offer if I happen to be there while the chores are being done though. I also don't know where hoses are (the faucet in the barn is currently frozen), don't know which horses are getting turned out when/where, etc. I just moved there, it'll have been a month ago in a week. Honestly, I don't feel comfortable just doing something, even the small things..Because I just don't know HOW they get done. When I came to look at the barn I asked about working off some of the board and if they do that..S flat out told me she doesn't like anyone doing anything until she gets to know them and knows if they work the same as her and the others do. So I don't want to make things worse if I do something wrong and they have to fix it. That's why I'm not just doing something.

Today was S' s first day out of the house..only for a horse of her's to colic. :/ She thanked me again for the card and I offered to help walk the horse..But she wanted to walk him herself, understandably. Granted, she had also only been out at the barn for about 10 minutes and they went inside to eat when I left, so not much else I could do there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Isuel never do anything you are uncomfortable with.
Offering to help is enough. Let them grieve they need to in order to heal. There is nothing you or anyone can do to lessen the pain. Only time can do that. Shalom


----------

