# How to teach soft hands to children



## lchad

I'm new to teaching children how to ride. I enjoy it but am at a loss on how to get my 8 year old student to keep her hands still, in front of her and not pulling on the reins.

I have a true sweetheart of a horse that is patient but I'm starting to feel badly for him. The little girl is easily distracted (understandable since she's 8) and as soon as her mind goes off somewhere, she has the reins TIGHT and her hands can be anywhere ie near chest, near ears, near shoulders. She has had probably 15 lessons. I have asked her to put her hands in the mane, on the front of the saddle and nothing is working. I am patient and sweetly reminding her to reposition her hands. Today my gelding had a little fit and snatched the reins from her repeatedly. (Not typical) I stopped her and explained gently to her that her hands need to stay put...blah, blah, blah. 

I'm ready to tape her hands lol! Can anyone make any suggestions? Thanks!


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## ChitChatChet

I think of a person trying a bit in their own mouth to see how it feels.


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## Chessie

It sounds like she's using the reins as a crutch for her own balance and security. Kids feel more secure when they can really hold on to something. I would remove the crutch. I'd put the horse on a lead for a while and not even put a bridle on him. Force her to ride "handless" for a while to break her of the habit of using the reins to hang on.

Play games while she's up there like making her make shapes with her arms or do the Itsy Bitsy Spider hand motions again to break her of the habit of holding on.

Once she feels more secure in the saddle without the seat belt of hanging on to the reins, then you can start playing games where you can, say put marbles in a cup and every time her hands come up she loses one. Then give her a little piece of candy like a gummi bear at the end for every marble she can keep in the cup.

But first, she has to be secure in her seat instead of hanging on for dear life.


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## Incitatus32

Can I ask if it's western or english? I was taught western originally and one of my instructors actually did tape my hands loosely to the saddle horn. Another made me put my hand on the withers and keep it there, then I raised it up to keep it steady and still. I really didn't have much of a problem with my hands so that one or two times cured me! Maybe others can suggest more helpful things!


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## Wallaby

What kind of bit/bridle set-up are you using on your horse for these lessons?
I just ask because I like to keep my mare/lesson pony in the absolute gentlest thing she'll respond to for the first few lessons, while the kids figure out reins. In her case, it's one of those "riding halters" - the rope kind with rings at the nose. Her response time is a littttle "gross" in it compared to a bit but, imo, for new riders, it's ok if the horse is a little sticky. In the beginning, while the horse's patience is being tested to the max, horse comfort is #1. 
Later, once the child becomes more proficient, I switch them to a bit but we go back to bitless for new things, like trotting/cantering, where the horse's mouth might get accidentally popped. Eventually they do everything with a bit but to start, everybody goes bitless and as gentle as possible.

The other thing I've found, with kids who always seem to end up with their hands up near their heads - either the reins themselves are too long for the child/horse combo [I keep a variety of rein lengths and sizes to accommodate for different kids - the first reins all "my" kids use have knots in them at the proper place to hold for plain riding and knots at where they should hold for turning] or the kid isn't being challenged enough. If I keep them engaged, via games and other exercises, I can usually get an entire lesson where hands stay down+are correctly placed. 


In your kid's case, I might stick her on the lunge line and really drill her hands for a lesson - if she wants to ride on her own, she needs to do x, x, and x while keeping her hands correctly placed [like change directions on the lunge line, stop the horse, change directions again, whatever "gets" her]. Basically classical conditioning. She goes back on the line if she starts getting her hands up too much.
You don't want to be mean or anything about it but correct hand placement = riding by herself, incorrect hand placement = lunge line. She's in complete control of the "reward" [off line] and in complete control of the "less fun". 
You can make the lunge line fun by having her stand in her stirrups while turning/cuing the horse [I find this REALLY helps a lot of kids -I like to start all my lessons with at least 5 minutes of standing in the stirrups for 10 steps, 15 steps, etc], play red light/green light - it's not "punishment", it's just a more controlled environment for you to get her attention.


And try just changing the reins you're using. I've noticed some dramatic changes in my kids just from a simple change of rein length/size. One girl in particular does just fine with a pair of 9ft roping reins that are about 2/3in in diameter, but switch her to 7ft barrel reins that are 1/3in and watch her suddenly start to ride REALLY WELL! :lol: The first time I just accidentally switched it up and I couldn't hardly believe what I was seeing! haha


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## PunksTank

Ohh there are so many fun things for this!

First I completely agree with everything Chessie said - it most likely is a crutch. I typically put a grab strap on English saddles for the first while and do lunging lessons. They learn to walk and trot on the lunge-line at first with the grab strap, then without. Practicing sitting, half seat and posting at both gaits. 
Games are the best way to do this! Air plane games, wings, holding two pool rings, making circles in the air with their hands. 
I like to do things like riding to a barrel and picking something up and carrying it over to another barrel. 
But mostly it's time in the saddle that will build those leg muscles and muscle memory they need to be able to ride without their hands.

If you're trying to help them be gentler with steering (not hauling the horse around) you can practice the two finger game, where they're only allowed to hold the reins between two fingers (best done on a lead line so there's someone in control). Practice this until they see how little of a cue is needed to make the horse listen and practice steering gently.


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## Fort fireman

when I first started riding I had the lady tell me to imagine I had an egg in my hand with the reins. I couldn't pull to hard, squeeze to hard, yank to quick or anything or I would break that egg. It worked for me when I was 8 or so. I guess.


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## lchad

Omg so many great ideas! I see I need to be more clear. 
Since day one she has been on the leadline or lungeline. I do let her off the walking the horse. I have played so many games...Simon says, red light/ green light, spoon and egg, magazines under her arms to keep elbows in. Carrying balls and placing them in buckets, etc. She is very trusting while playing games and will do anything I ask without the reins. 

She can be a bit on the nervous side but for the most part I think she spaces out. She will look at the other horses grazing while we are playing a game. I change up games a lot to keep her interested.

I have her in an English saddle. Tucker had a French link bit. He does neck rein but I want to teach English. 

I also have used a grab strap and make her hold that. Sigh.....

I will shorten the reins and see if that works. I like the knot idea.

I like all the suggestions made. I will try the marbles and candy move. 
I don't think mom would approve me putting the bit in her mouth but that comment gave me a chuckle.

Today I actually had a more "serious" conversation with her. It didn't help. 

I will get a rope halter with rings and get rope reins. I'm desperate. 
She's been riding weekly since May. Shouldn't all these tactics have worked by now?


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## Chessie

She's 8 and she may have some attention issues. If too much input goes in, thinking about more than one element of riding at a time can go waaaaaay out. The trick is to get hands down into her muscle memory. That way when she spaces out or something distracts her, her body remembers the right spot to be. Right now when she spaces out, her muscle memory is following what it does naturally when her vestibular system is kicked in, it grips tightly and pulls arms up to protect her face. Forcing her to focus by hinging a reward on it, and getting the bit off your horse so he's comfortable in the mean time will help a lot, I think.


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## HorseMom1025

My daughter started riding at 8...it's only recently (she's almost 11) that she's truly gained "soft" hands. What helped her the most was riding bareback and bit less. She HAD to use her legs, she HAD to keep her balance. She wasn't relying on stirrups or a bit to control her horse. Now, when we do bit up, she's much more confident in her ability to control her horse without using her hands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orgo

I see you've already had some great replies on this thread! For a younger kid, it's often harder to teach, other's have already stated to basic stuff that usually works to teach them such as no hands riding, holding on to the saddle, making a knot in the reins etc.

Since people have already mentioned most of the tricks I could think of, I'll give you an exercise we usually give to the more advance riders, but could work for your kid at a walk. So if your pony is good with crops, give the kid a short crop to hold in between the reins and her thumb (horizontally). So she's holding the crop with both of her hands (so you don't want a crop that is too long and will stick out too much on each sides). Now she had to try and control the horse in that position. I won't prevent her from moving her hands up or down, but it's great to show how to turn and halt without separating the hands/pulling harder with one hand. Like I said, this is a trickier exercise, I've only done it with my more advance students (w/t/c), but you could always try it at a walk and see if it helps. 

If all fails, I'm afraid you'll have to be annoying and remind her to fix her hands every time she moves them incorrectly. It'll be very annoying to both you and her, but in the end repetition is key with an 8yo.


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## lchad

Thanks everyone! Lots of great info. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Orgo, I have been gently nagging constantly. I'm tired of repeating myself to no avail. 

Since it is taking time, my first issue to address is the horses's comfort. Then, some work on lungeline...hands good = time off lunge.


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## srcosticov

It sounds like maybe she isn't ready for the reins.

Have you had her on the lunge line without stirrups or a saddle? If so, how does she do? How are her leg positions and how familiar is she with her center?

If she is solid on the above, then my next step would be a game that involves reins like this:

- Put her hands in the correct position with the reins and move forward at a walk.
- Ask her to drop one rein and touch her nose, and focus on keeping one rein in position at a time.
- Alternate, rise, repeat.

It will help her focus on her seat and the position of her hands without getting too spacey. This is an exercise that requires all your attention so it may work to keep her mind focused. 

That is what I do with my young students when they need to work on hand position. It is fun and keeps the mood light while having a purpose.


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## ColoCowboy

Get two stress balls and get her to gather up her reins the correct length and put the balls on either side of the horn of the saddle; the inside of her wrist should hold the balls still. Before doing any maneuvers she should palm the ball and (stop, turn, ect.) the put the ball back. Makes for good showing hands. Good Luck


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## ColoCowboy

Also thin rubber bands that will break fairly easily. Two around the horn a wrist through each one


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## DuckDodgers

So if I have gathered right her hands aren't too bad until she gets distracted? I've always heard that, when teaching kids, once they get distracted like that it's time for them to get off of the horse. It's not fair for the horse to have a distracted rider yanking on his head, and if the child's mind is elsewhere then she isn't getting anything out of the lesson at that point. How long into the lessons does this problem start to occur? If it's half an hour into an hour long lesson then it's pretty obvious that the lessons are too long for her at this point. If it's 5 minutes into the lesson... then that's a bit more tricky. If it's only when the horses in the other paddock are running, or only when someone drives down the driveway, or distractions triggered by specific events then use those times to do something challenging without the reins, or stop for a water break when things aren't being productive. Pick it back up when she's a little more focused.

I also agree that she should not have reins until this problem can be resolved. Even if your horse is a saint, it's still not fair for him to not try and prevent the problem. You also want to make sure that you don't create a rider that jumps to her hands in "inclement" situations!


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## DuckDodgers

Oh I didn't see if you have tried this game or not, but the golfball/spoon game is wonderful for such kids. Start with a big, deep plastic spoon now and work your way down to something more challenging. Start with just a few steps at a time at the walk and work your way up to a longer run/trot steps/ a smaller spoon as she progresses. This game is really fun, but requires a lot of attention focused on the rider's hands. She'll have to keep still hands to keep the ball in place, and there's no way she can do that with her hands up by her face!


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## lchad

Duckdodgers we have done that game so many times. I like the stressball idea and elastics. Her hands never ever ever stay where they are supposed to be. One minutes into walking on the rail her hands will start out down and in front and within 5 steps they are up in the air. I think she spaces in her head. Even playing the big spoon and tennis ball (egg and spoon) she will always drop the ball within half a length of the ring. Her eyes will gaze up to look at the target and the hands will move and she will lose the ball. She is a very bright delightful child without disabilities. I think this is just a new hobby/skill and it's going to take longer. All the ideas here will help me though. One of these will have to be the "spark".

I don't think the lessons are too long in this case. This happens within the first 30 seconds. Her balance is decent, she has learned to keep her heels down and her feet firmly in the stirrups. She rides in an English saddle but we have spent quite a bit of time without stirrups at the walk. She is still learning how to post. She still flops around so no reins for trotting. 

Yesterday we walked some trails because of extreme heat. I walked beside her and I made this lesson about the hands. I had my hands on the reins and was a reminder whenever she took too much. Ugh...it was so frustrating for me, the horse and her. I will work on her seat without reins for a few lessons. Sounds like she needs to ride with her seat and be able to be confident in her balance.


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## Saddlebag

There is a direct connection between stiff hands and a stiff back. The way I dealt with this was to put the child on bareback. The horse is not bridled, but haltered with the lead draped in front of the withers. It was up to the child to figure out how to steer and get the horse to stop. My paddock had corners so the lead was allowed only if the horse decided to park in a corner. Other than that they just meandered about. I was the observer, saying as little as possible. I'm not sure a round pen would have been better as the corners did make her figure out how to turn the horse with the lead rope. That was the only time she was allowed to use it.


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## jaydee

I learnt to ride when I was about 4 and wasn't allowed to hold the reins until I could ride balanced without them - arms folded with a neck strap just in case I needed to grab at something
This was all done on the lunge
I would suggest you try something on those lines as I think the child might be using the reins to support herself - a bit like the handlebars on a bike
Once she goes back to holding the reins you might find it kinder on the horse to use a simple sidepull bridle for a while


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## Clava

jaydee said:


> I learnt to ride when I was about 4 and wasn't allowed to hold the reins until I could ride balanced without them - arms folded with a neck strap just in case I needed to grab at something


Exactly, this is how I teach my daughter 

I have a video  (made last year when she was about 4 or 5) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oegzzQdvmg

I do the same with her older brothers.


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## Luce73

My trainer has the new kids ride with long reins, holding them at the end, or with one hand, that way they have to learn to balance without leaning on the horses mouth. To steer they are taught to move the hand far out to the side they want to go (an exaggerated form of neckreining i guess). Only later on, once they can ride balanced at the walk and trot (both sitting and posting) do they get to pick up the reins with both hands.


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## Zexious

I'm not sure if this would help, since the issue isn't the reins slipping but instead that she raises them, but you could get the colored, rubber reins and have her stick to one of the colors? Maybe that will give her something to focus on, and keep her interested.

Rainbow Rubber Training Reins | Dover Saddlery


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## jaydee

Clava said:


> Exactly, this is how I teach my daughter
> 
> I have a video  (made last year when she was about 4 or 5)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oegzzQdvmg
> 
> I do the same with her older brothers.


 I did the same with mine - and the 'around the world' thing too - that's what we called it anyway!!!
These things help children - and adults to feel relaxed and at ease on a horse
I love your daughter, so cute.


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## lchad

Clava, great video! Thank you! I might consider a bit of bareback time to work on her balance. In the beginning would you run along side at the trot to make sure she doesn't slide off or have her hold the grab strap? 

The one thing I get from all of you is that she shouldn't have the reins at all. I agree and am relieved to hear this.


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## Clava

lchad said:


> Clava, great video! Thank you! I might consider a bit of bareback time to work on her balance. In the beginning would you run along side at the trot to make sure she doesn't slide off or have her hold the grab strap?
> 
> The one thing I get from all of you is that she shouldn't have the reins at all. I agree and am relieved to hear this.


 
Yes, stay by her side so she doesn't slide off (even with a grab strap you can slide off bareback when not used to it)


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## Saddlebag

My arab was an absolute treasure when working with children. For the first lesson I'd start haltering him. Often the child would express disappointment because she knew horses wore a bridle. OK. Switch head gear. He wouldn't move. I'd explain that he didn't trust that she knew how to use her hands. OK back to the halter and reins, then he'd start moving. Often children younger than 9 have an innate sense in what to do so I'd let them figure it out. Usually by the fourth lesson he'd work in a bridle. Often I wasn't teaching but merely observing how naturally these kids pick this up. And they all had wonderful sensitive hands. Not quite the same with older children.


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## BreakableRider

How bumbproof is your horse? 

One thing i've done with young students is take a nice soft squishy ball and play catch. The 'problem' with younger children is the attention span and simply giving them a spoon and ball, well it gets boring quick. I put my mare on the lunge line with no bridle and play with the child. It works on their balance and how to move independently. They will twist to the side and need to isolate their hips and legs from their torso. They'll be focusing on something that isn't still. You can't space out of much if you're constantly doing something. This will get their coordination better to. Then you can say, 'keep on hand on the mane and only catch in one hand". This will start getting them to isolate their hands from each other too. I do this going both directions at a walk. Once the child can start focusing a little more and is thinking about their hands I move on. Your horse does need to be a saint though and you need a squishy ball just in case one of you has a total fail in playing catch. You'll want to start out in a smaller circle and slowly move out. 

From there I set up obstacle courses in the round pen. I have the child weave through cones, ride up to a barrel and pick up an object, take it to another location, mount, dismount etc.

When the child is on the rail I have them do red light, green light to help them along with their focus. I also like to play simon says on the lunge line; ex "simon says reach back and touch her butt" "Simon says keep your hands in her mane for two strides" "simon says arms out like a bird" just make it fun to help her focus. 

You've really got to keep kiddos doing stuff or they space out. It will be fun for her to pay attention with games and you'll teach her to get focused without any frustration.


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## lchad

BreakableRider said:


> How bumbproof is your horse?


Very


> One thing i've done with young students is take a nice soft squishy ball and play catch. The 'problem' with younger children is the attention span and simply giving them a spoon and ball, well it gets boring quick. I put my mare on the lunge line with no bridle and play with the child. It works on their balance and how to move independently. They will twist to the side and need to isolate their hips and legs from their torso. They'll be focusing on something that isn't still. You can't space out of much if you're constantly doing something. This will get their coordination better to. Then you can say, 'keep on hand on the mane and only catch in one hand". This will start getting them to isolate their hands from each other too. I do this going both directions at a walk. Once the child can start focusing a little more and is thinking about their hands I move on. Your horse does need to be a saint though and you need a squishy ball just in case one of you has a total fail in playing catch. You'll want to start out in a smaller circle and slowly move out.


I've done games similar. I have played more games and I keep her very busy. But she has to be able at some point to stop games and ride? 15 lessons in. I think she's nervous and she has the reins high like a security blanket. I've done obstacle courses...honestly I don't think another game is the answer.
I'm repeating myself now.

I spoke to the previous owner of my horse and he has been ridden in an english hackamore so today i went and got him a side pull and roping reins. I'm going to try it on him but i would expect he will do fine in it. This will give my boy the kindness he deserves while this little girls works on her riding some more. 

I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm very grateful for every reply here. You are all great! Thanks so much. I have new tack and a long list of great ideas to try.


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## palogal

Part of teaching children is dealing with inconsistent hands unfortunately. What *I* do is first and foremost a thick, preferably rubber bit. And work on their balance, legs and seat. The hands will follow once the child really learns to ride the horse. Encourage the child to grab a hand full of mane to steady herself, or tie a thick piece of rope between the d-rings of the saddle to give her something to steady with. 8 really isn't the time to work on the hands, other than general correctness and reminding her to be nice with the bit...hence the rubber bit. Until she has a nice solid seat and leg she cannot have correct hands.


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## my2geldings

lchad said:


> Omg so many great ideas! I see I need to be more clear.
> Since day one she has been on the leadline or lungeline. I do let her off the walking the horse. I have played so many games...Simon says, red light/ green light, spoon and egg, magazines under her arms to keep elbows in. Carrying balls and placing them in buckets, etc. She is very trusting while playing games and will do anything I ask without the reins.
> 
> She can be a bit on the nervous side but for the most part I think she spaces out. She will look at the other horses grazing while we are playing a game. I change up games a lot to keep her interested.
> 
> I have her in an English saddle. Tucker had a French link bit. He does neck rein but I want to teach English.
> 
> I also have used a grab strap and make her hold that. Sigh.....
> 
> I will shorten the reins and see if that works. I like the knot idea.
> 
> I like all the suggestions made. I will try the marbles and candy move.
> I don't think mom would approve me putting the bit in her mouth but that comment gave me a chuckle.
> 
> Today I actually had a more "serious" conversation with her. It didn't help.
> 
> I will get a rope halter with rings and get rope reins. I'm desperate.
> She's been riding weekly since May. Shouldn't all these tactics have worked by now?


You know, I bet you this issue won't go away until she grows a little bit older. She is quite young, and the instruction you are giving seem to be quite good. If you've already done all the things you said you've done, it might just be time that she needs and I stick to activities that you know wont bother than angel of a horse she is riding. The most successful thing I've done when I used to teach pony club, is to keeo knots in the reins, and just have the kids hold onto that length of rein no matter what. It was honestly the best option until they really learn to seperate that shoulder-arm-and hand from the rest of their posture.


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## lchad

I wanted to update all of you. I used the side pull and rope reins Tuesday and Wednesday with great success. The horse was MUCH happier. I worked with all the students to build leg strength and muscle memory by standing in the stirrups and working on balance. The eight year old had a very good lesson yesterday. We did many things recommended here and she did so much better. 5 minutes prior to the lesson being over her hands started drifting and it was so obvious she was tired. So at that point, I took the reins did a game and called it good. 

Thank you all, you really made a difference. The horse also thanks you!


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## Chessie

That's fantastic. I'm glad to hear your horse has some relief.


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## toosexy4myspotz

I didnt read threw everthing so I am sorry if this has already been posted but for beginners I use mecate reins made of tail hair. they are more prickly than the ones made of horse hair. I use them becaues the really remind you what you are doing with your hands. If you grasp them too tight then they start poking you. If you keep a soft hand and are not pulling then they are comfortable. I know you are teaching english so I dont know if you would want to try that or not.


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## MangoRoX87

Use a string instead of reins. She'll quickly learn not to pull so hard!

Or lunge her for a bit with no reins?


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## amberly

This just popped into my head for keeping the softness.
Has she held any baby chickens or rabbits or anything else that requires to be very gentle with her hands when holding? Tell her to act like she is holding on of those in each of her hands.
Then maybe if she still pulls on the reins then get something that resembles that animal and have her hold onto that and the reins.
I don't know if it will work, but it is sure worth a shot!

And I like the idea of leading her around first so she can get her balance better.


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## farahmay

My instructor gives little dumbbells to kids (obviously light) to hold, and so their hands are occupied, this helps with their balance at first. This is all done at a walk and sometimes at a trot depending on the person, and on a longe line. 

Also, she would tie a rope loosely around the horses neck and let the kids hold on to that until they learned not to pull/rely on the reins.

Good luck


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## lchad

Thanks!! Things are going better. The roping reins and side pull have been fantastic. More time and more concentration have been the key.


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## EliRose

Although it seems you've mostly settled this issue, have you tried "rainbow reins"? At the camp I work at, we start all of the kids (both disabled and able-bodied) with them. That way, you can just say "hold the green" or "hold the red" section. I'm sure you could also put colored duct tape on the reins to achieve the same effect.

I never personally went through a "rough hands" phase as a child because I was "conditioned" to have soft hands. Before I even started riding, my mom taught me that bits hurt when you are too rough with them. She would put an old bit she had in the crook of my elbow and have me squeeze my arm around it at different pressures. Maybe try that (with parental permission) if you haven't already? I was a serious worrier of a little kid and was always afraid of hurting the horse's mouth because of it. I drove my first trainer NUTS because I was always dropping the reins!


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## lchad

I haven't tried those reins. It wouldn't matter what reins. If you had her hold a section, she'd end up with her hands by her chin. I ended up having a big heart to heart with her. She is a child that had a wandering mind. One minute she was with me, the next her mind was gone looking at who knows what. I finally changed tack and then had a serious but soft conversation. I just told her that she had to concentrate and really try to do her best to think about her hands. I also spoke to her mom to try to remind her that it was important she have soft hands. That made the biggest impression. Now when her mind wanders and i see her begin to pull I am able to bring her back. The problem is 75% solved and the remaining 25% is very minor. She is now more focused and doing well.


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## Northern

One can't have good hands until one has an independent seat.


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## luv my horse hinke

this looks like a help. im thinking of ordering one for my sisters birthday 
Steady Hands


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## Doodlesweaver

Dr. Cook's bitless bridle. That's probably cheating from a trainer's point of view though.


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## Northern

Be careful with Dr. Cook's: some horses have been known to abhor them. From what I've read, the crossing reins under the jaws don't offer a quick enough & clear enough release.


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## Doodlesweaver

Northern said:


> Be careful with Dr. Cook's: some horses have been known to abhor them. From what I've read, the crossing reins under the jaws don't offer a quick enough & clear enough release.


Mine were trained to them before I got them. Do often have to shake it out to loosen the squeeze on my big guy. I bet you could get into trouble with the bitless if the horse wasn't trained to it/didn't like it. They do keep their mouths soft for inexperienced or unbalanced riders (ashamedly like myself).


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## Doodlesweaver

Northern said:


> One can't have good hands until one has an independent seat.


OMGosh totally sounds like my trainer!!


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## palogal

Northern said:


> One can't have good hands until one has an independent seat.


Absolutely true. A child, in most cases does not have the physical maturity and/or balance to have an independent seat - so you do the best you can to spare the horse's mouth while the child grows and is able to do so.


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