# Amba's Journal



## Amba1027

So I skipped my last class of the day and went home and slept for 5 hours. I'm still exhausted and I still feel like crap. I think I will be going to bed early. I'm hope the doctor figures out what's wrong because I really want to ride.

I've got another barn to go look at to see if I want to be a working student there. I really hope this one works out because I'm really running out of options. They say the third times the charm so *fingers crossed*. I need to send them another email to tell them the hours I'm avalible to work. I'm not sure what to tell them because I applied for a job a few days ago. I don't even know if I will get called in for an interview but with my luck I'll get all of my riding times worked out and then have to change everything around because I got the job. Here's hoping everything works out.


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## Amba1027

Health update: My doctor gave me a list of things he thinks might be wrong with me. First on the list was gallstones so I got an ultrasound on Friday. If that comes back clean then I move on to taking pills for lactose intolerance and see if that works.

Riding/Old barn update: I rode on Wednesday and I think it went well. A man was watching me for a little bit and he said I was doing things too correctly to be a beginner. Not sure what that meant but I suppose it was a good thing. I was annoyed once again with the state of the barn. When I got there the only person around was the one guy who works there who barely speaks any english. I asked if the owner was around and through the use of various hand gestures he was able to tell me she was asleep in the house. The list that tells me who I'm supposed to ride was a list from Tuesday but since I told her I would only be in on Wednesday I didn't know if I was supposed to assume those were the horses I was supposed to ride. I ended up calling my mom for advice because I really couldn't figure out what to do. She told me to ride the horses on Tuesdays list. No one ever told me all of the horses names or which ones are which so I was faced with trying to somehow figure out which horses were the ones I was supposed to ride. None of the stalls have names on them and there are a bunch of horses that live in the field so I had no idea who was who. Luckily just saying the horses name to the guy who works there got the message across and he went and caught the horse for me. Then I realized I was never told which saddle to use on which horses. The first time I rode there the owner pointed out one saddle and told me it could be used on three of the horses. The horse I was riding wasn't one of them though. I couldn't find another adult size saddle either. (Since the bulk of her business is summer camp all of the saddles are for small children). So I didn't know which saddle to use and I could even find another one that I could fit in so I went with the one I had used before. I will admit I know next to nothing about how saddles are supposed to fit so even though it looked ok I felt awful the whole time wondering if the saddle was hurting him. He didn't seem bothered by it so I hope it was ok. 

Anyway, I got on and did w,t,c in both directions. It was basically my first canter since I started riding again (I cantered the first time I rode but I almost fell off so I thought I'd wait till I got some muscle and balance back before trying again) and it went well. After the ride I cooled him down and went to go try and ask the guy where to put the horse. I basically just ended up pointing at the horses and saying where. He took the horse and put him back in the crossties and just left him there and went off to do something else. 

I am so fed up with this place. How are you going to just let people you don't really know come ride your horses and just do whatever when the only person there keeping an eye on things doesn't even speak the same language as the people coming to ride? How are people supposed to get help with things when no one is around to ask? If you're going to run things like that you should at least give new people a very thorough tour so they know everything they need to know before you leave them to fend for themselves. I'm torn between wanting to keep going because I get to ride every time I go and stopping because everything else sucks. I really don't know what to do about this place.

New barn update: I have had two training sessions at this new barn and it is so well organized. I love it. They have morning and evening shifts that you get points for doing and then you can get extra points for doing stalls. They have a book where you keep track of how many points you've earned and how many points you've used (for lessons, board, etc). It's just so well done it's a wonderful change from the other barn. Plus the point system is based on the work you do and not how long it takes you which I like better. So I've done my training so now I'm just waiting for the manager to call and tell me which shifts are available. I really like this new barn much better than the other one.


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## Amba1027

So I don't have gallstones and I'm pretty sure I'm not lactose intolerant. I've been taking the pills for almost a week and I still feel the same. Next I'm supposed to do 'a trial of Pepto Bismol'. What the hell does that mean?? Am I just supposed to chug the stuff constantly? And if it helps what does that mean I have? That doesn't tell me what's causing all this. I'm getting really frustrated with this. I've been feeling nauseous for almost 3 months straight and been dealing with stomach pain that randomly comes and goes and varies in location and severity. How the hell is a trial of pepto supposed to help that?!?! I'm tempted to skip straight to the antibiotic he prescribed me but when I go back in October, if I still don't feel well it would probably be to my benefit to tell him I tried everything he said. 
I can't ride like this. I can't plan far enough ahead because I never know how I'm going to feel. So I can't say I'm going to come out and ride because I might end up feeling like crap and not be able to show up. It's so random I never know how I'll feel as the day goes on. It's screwing up school to. I'm trying really hard not to miss class but I feel so bad sometimes I just need to go home and lie down. And since this has been going on for months I try to save my sick days for the days when I feel the worst. But I can't tell when that is. I mean I may feel terrible one day but how do I know if I won't feel twice as bad the next? And I'm only allowed to miss a certain number of classes. So I really should save them for when I feel the absolute worst.

I haven't gotten scheduled for working at the new barn yet. I missed the call from the manager so she left a message. Then I called and left her a message... Hopefully this doesn't turn into a game of phone tag. I hate making phone calls. In her message she told me what was available and I did the math. I think I could actually work enough to afford board. That's only if they let me have all the days they said they have available. I don't want to take all of them if someone else needs to work. But if I could have all of them I think I could afford their board plus have enough to take lessons. I want my own horse again so badly. I hate myself for selling my girl. I wish I had thought to just lease her to someone and I can't figure out for the life of me why I didn't do that instead. But now it's too late. I can't actually afford to buy a horse. My parents could. My birthday is coming up. They like to do a lot of presents for the bigger birthdays. I'm going to be 21. I keep thinking that since I would be "paying" the board that maybe I could ask for a horse. But my birthday is only a month away. That's not a lot of time to convince them on this and find a horse. And since I'm afraid to even bring it up... Plus if I want to go away for college next semester I probably shouldn't ask for a horse. Even though I could bring the horse with me since I'd be doing equine studies. But I wouldn't be able to work off the board then so they'd have to pay it. I can't ask them to do that. I guess this is all just a dream and the best I can hope for is to find a horse for free lease.


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## Amba1027

So, my life is very boring and uneventful. I've worked one day at the new barn. It was a typical first day, as in everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Ponies escaped. Twisted my ankle twice. Caught my finger in one of the stall latches. Was raining off and on while I brought the horses in. They'd switched the scheduel for fall/winter so everything was backwards from when I trained. *sigh* I had to skip this week due to the fact that I am still sick. I'm taking antibiotics now because it might be an infection. The antibiotics are really strong (used to treat anthrax!!!) so they knock me out. Being half asleep and really out of it while trying to work with horses just seemed like a bad idea so I took off. Sadly the antibiotics have made me feel worse,probably because all of the side effects are things that were already wrong with me  I will be done taking them tomorrow but I doubt this has done the trick. I still feel the same as I've been feeling. What is wrong with me?!?!?!?!


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## Amba1027

I'm sitting in my digital photography class. I have no idea what the hell the teacher just said. He's telling us what our next assignment is. Probably should be paying attention. I think he just said we need to have 5 self portraits... I only have one... and this is due next week... Should probably try and figure out what thats about.

I really hope it warms up before I have to go to the barn. This is only going to be my second time working there and I would really love for it to be warmish. I hate the cold. It's been freezing in the mornings but yesterday afternoon it warmed up, so hopefully that will happen again today. I also really hope today goes batter than the last time. No escaped ponies (or horses), no twisted ankles, no mashed fingers. Hopefully no other problems or bodily injuries. *Fingers crossed* And maybe one of these days I'll actually get to ride again. That would be nice.

I think I'm actually getting worse health wise. The nausea was actually doing better a week ago but now it's worse than ever. I can't afford to miss anymore school. I finished taking the antibiotics so apparently it wasn't an infection. Plus I now have to be on the look out for all the lovely side effects which can show up for up to a month after you stop taking the meds. Back to the doctor on the 20th.

I am going to visit a college on Saturday. They're having an Equine open house. I don't really have high hopes for this place though. It's basically an all women college, and while I'm not boy crazy or anything I've never liked the idea of being in a place that is all girls. Too much drama. So we'll see how that goes. Once my mom finds out its all women she'll probably be all for me going. She is not at all into the idea of me leaving at the moment and she keeps coming up with reasons to try to get me to stay. But she always said she wished she'd sent me and my sister to all girls schools.

All in all I'm not happy right now. I feel like I'm doing a ton of work and getting nothing for it. There's nothing in my life that I enjoy; just all these things I know I would enjoy, but can't have because there's still more work to do before I'm even close.


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## Amba1027

So the college was ok. The campus was nice and it's a small school, which I prefer. But the riding wasn't that great. So we'll see how it compares to the other schools I'm going to be looking at. I don't know when I'll be visiting the other places yet. My sister doesn't like going to visit during open houses. I kind of agree since almost all of that stuff is geared towards high school students. I got so good info but a lot of the stuff they talked about did apply to me because I'd be a transfer. Anyway, even though I'd love to transfer as soon as possible, I think I'll be waiting for next fall. 

My mom is attempting to bribe me to stay with riding lessons. She thinks the only reason I want to go is so I can ride. So she told me she wanted me to start taking lessons again, maybe take an online course and then see if I was still interested i going. Ok, why does she think I'm working at the barn?!?! Because I love running around in the cold and rain catching horses and emptying water buckets?? So I can get riding lessons!!! But from that conversation I got the impression that she would be paying for them... so we'll see. If she started paying for lessons that means I could start getting 2 lessons a week with my working there. That would be awesome.

It's been far too cold and wet lately. Supposedly it's gonna get warm again. I really hope so because I need to finish the Halloween decorations and there's no way I'm doing that in this weather. Plus my birthday is coming up and it would be really sucky if it was all nasty outside like it's been. But with a birthday in late October the weather is always gonna be iffy. At least I'll have a nice dinner and some yummy cake. And hopefully a new laptop since mine met its untimely demise a few months ago.


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## reveriesgirly

if you think noones reaading this , i amm


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## Amba1027

thanks! I hope I'm not boring you lol.


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## Amba1027

So, I'm still sick. Bleh. Went to the doctor again and he said they could do more tests but if I'm not too bothered by my symptoms then I should just deal with it (didn't word it like that, but that was the basic idea) because he doesn't think it's anything that's dangerous to my health. But seriously, who wouldn't be bothered by abdominal pain and almost constant nausea? I can't function right like this. It's exhausting me. Of course I'm going to want more tests. This has been going on for 4 months with no sign of letting up, so yeah, I'd like to know what's going on and how to stop it. Of course that means that they are probably going to stick a tube up my nose and down my throat so that they can see inside my stomach. Can't say I'm looking forward to that. But if it will finally tell me what is going on and let them fix it then I'll do it. It's so frustrating to have been like this for so long and they still don't know what it is. And my next appointment isn't until November 10th.

Working at the barn is getting a little easier. It still takes me longer than I'd like but hopefully I'll get better the more I do it. It's hard being sick; I get tired more easily. And lifting water buckets really bothers my stomach, which is just weird. Whatever is wrong with me is making my stomach really gurgly (can't think of a better word for it) and when I lift a water bucket it gurgles a whole lot more. It's really uncomfortable.

Hopefully I'll get to start riding soon. I've worked enough to start I think. I guess I'll have to talk to someone about that.


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## Amba1027

I HATE my body!!!! It's falling apart!!! first this mess with my stomach and now I've got this killer pain in my jaw that won't go away!!! Opening my mouth hurts, chewing hurts... doing nothing hurts. I don't know what it is. I've never had this before. My mom suggested that I might be grinding my teeth at night so I got a mouth guard to sleep in, to see if that would help. I wore it for about an hour before deciding there was just no way I was going to be able to fall asleep with it in. So I took it out and my jaw hurt worse for a bit after I took it out. No idea what that was about. My dad said he has TMJ and that maybe I have it too. I really hope thats not it because he said it made his jaw hurt every day for 5 years and then it just randomly went away. I am soooooo not good with pain. I can't handle this going on for 5 days. If I have to deal with this for years I don't know what I'll do. 

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 21. My grandma wants me to help her pick out my present, which I really don't get. The only time I have knowingly picked out a present for myself was two summers ago when I went shopping with my aunt and saw this necklace I really wanted. My mom usually finds some way to trick us into picking out presents for ourselves. She'll ask us what we think someone else would like and then gives it to us instead. But I heard my mom talking to my grandma, saying "I don't know what she needs". I'm not the only "she" so they could've been talking about someone else, but who knows?


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## bubblegum

could you be pregnant, can you get tested for ibs or chrones, limes disease, you could be alergic to wheat, dairy ect so get that checked out, try a different doctor and remember symptoms that dont seem like much can make a whole different diagnosis.


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## Amba1027

I've been getting my period so I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. It's not dairy, and most likely not a food allergy because I feel worse if I don't eat and I've never felt worse after eating a specific thing. I would think if it could be IBS or Chrones that the doctor would've mentioned it. I'm going to a gastroentorologist (sp?) in Nov. 10th so hopefully they will be able to tell me what's going on.


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## Amba1027

I'm 21!!! If only it were more exciting. Things like that don't mean much to me. Yay I can legally drink. Woohoo. Or not. 18 was more exciting because then I could get tattoos and piercings without parental consent. But my 18th birthday actually sucked. So did 16. I was worried this one was going to go badly to but it didn't. Not entirely anyway. The power was out when we came back from dinner and it didn't come back til late. But that wasn't so bad. I got a new laptop which I needed. And my grandmother took me shopping at a book store which was a dangerous move on her part lol. So all in all it was a good birthday. Not the crazy awesome thing people always make 21 out to be, but still good.

I'm doing better at the barn. It didn't take me as long to get everything done today. And I schedueled my evaluation ride for tomorrow so then I can start taking lessons!!! I'm so excited about this. But I'm also nervous about how I'll do since I haven't had a lesson in 4 years. And I've discovered I've blocked things out from that point in my life so I really don't know if I remember how to do things right. Oh well. We'll se what happens!


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## Annaland13

Hmm the only thing I can think of is going to a basic diet of soluble fiber. I have IBS and eating right completely takes care of it. But you do have to stop eating dairy. I could be wrong, but most doctors over look IBS. It's pretty common now. Go to this website Irritable Bowel Syndrome ~ Help For IBS Treatments & Education. There's some recipes on there you can try, and if you start feeling better by the end of the week buy the book. Hope you feel better, stomach problems are a drag.


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## Amba1027

Thanks for the link. I really hope it's not IBS because my diet is probably the one thing about my life I can't change. I'm impossibly picky so what I eat now is very little and there's really no room for change. Plus dairy makes up most of the things I eat so I'd probably starve if I cut it out of my diet.

Halloween was a disappointment. Only 2 groups of kids came. My parents claim it's because it was raining but most of the kids get driven around from house to house anyway (how lazy can you get? It's not like the houses are far apart at all. Do a little work for your candy!!) so it's not like they'd be out in the rain. Plus it was warm so getting a little wet shouldn't have been a big deal. While I'm ranting about kids there's a lovely story I have to tell. I've become increasingly annoyed with kids these days. I used to love them and couldn't wait til I'd have my own. Now I'm really thinking I want nothign to do with children and now I think I know why. Kids these days are awful. I thought maybe it was just me. That maybe my tolerance for small screaming, running, jumping children had just been greatly decreased, but now I think it might be that the kids are dumber and more annoying than they used to be. First of all the kids that live next door to us are constantly leaving their toys in our yard and driveway. We've had to move their stuff out of the way to drive up the driveway or to mow the lawn. My dad actually ran over one of their scooters one day because he didn't realize they'd left it there. I never played in some random persons yard when I was little and I sure as hell didn't leave my crap lying around someone elses property. If I left my stuff in my own yard I got in trouble because someone could've run over it with the car or mower. I wouldn't really have a problem with them playing in the yard if they'd ever have asked if it was okay. I mean I never would've done that without asking. Do kids not get taught manners anymore? Then the other day a guinie (sp?) hen somehow ended up in our yard (we're in the suburbs so I have no idea where it came from) and these kids just start running around after it. I guess I can kind of understand that. They are little boys after all. But it just really makes me wish people would teach their kids to treat animals correctly. It made me really glad my parents taught me to respect animals and not go chasing them around. Anyway one of the boy threw a rock at the bird (that I don't understand) and hit it in the head. It was knocked out for a bit, and it then spent a few days in our bathroom til my mom found someone to take it. Then there are the little kids that come to the barn the days that I work. It's some kind of church thing that takes the little kids and teaches them about horses and gives them riding lessons. The whole time I'm working I hear the instructor telling them not to run, not to shout, not to walk behind the horses. They KNOW how to behave around the horses and in the barn. They know how _not _to behave around the horses and in the barn. And yet what do I constantly see and hear? Screaming and yelling children running around the horses. I even had to ask them several times to stop running and stand back while I tried to get this one mare in her stall (turns out psycho children scare her a bit) and they would stand still for about 2 seconds and then start running around again. They would run right behind her too, even though they've been told repeatedly not to do that. *sigh* I don't know, maybe they've always been that way and I just have less tolerance for it.

Not much going on at the barn (besides the crazy kids). I had my evaluation lesson which was basically just a private lesson for them to see that I know how to ride. So now I can be put in a group lesson. I'm excited for that. I'll finally be riding regularly which is great. I think I will feel so much better knowing I have a lesson to look foward to every week.

Time for bed.


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## Amba1027

*sigh* I found out I have TMJ. For those who don't know, it's a jaw problem. The joint and possibly the cartilage are messed up which is painful basically all the time, and can be made worse by any sort of movement. It sucks. There's nothing they can do about it. I just have to deal with the pain and hope one day it will go away. My dad has it and he told me his jaw hurt every day for 5 years and then one day it just went away. I really hope it doesn't last that long. But I don't think it's common for it to go away. Still no news on my other health issues, as I haven't gone to the specialist yet...

I applied for a job at 5 places today. I figured this would be a good time since people are going to be looking for holiday help. Hopefully I get something since I have a big credit card bill to pay, no money, and Christmas shopping to do soon. Also I owe my sister money and her birthday is coming up so I need to buy her something. Plus I love to shop so having money would be a plus. Wish me luck!


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## Amba1027

I am depressed. I've been trying to avoid saying it because I don't want it to be true. I was diagnosed with depressions when I was 14/15 and got put on meds around that time. I stopped taking them about a year ago because I felt I didn't need them anymore. I was right. Was. I was doing so well. But now it's coming back. I can feel it. I can see it in the way I'm behaving, the things I do and don't do. I don't want this to happen to me again but I don't know how to stop it. The meds never helped enough. Sometimes I wonder if they ever did anything at all. At the time I thought they did but looking back I can see how bad it was, so now I'm not sure they did much of anything. 

I can feel a bit of irony in this situation. It gets worse when I have nothing to do. It used to be that it was so bad that I avoided doing things. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Now it gets bad when I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to hang out with. My sister is going over to her bf's. That's what prompted this. I'll be alone. I don't have anyone to hang out with and I can't think of anything to do. I so wish I still had my horse. Then I could go see her and ride. But I sold her because I was too depressed to ride. I don't know what to do. I hate being alone in my house with nothing to do.


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## Amba1027

Life has not been going well. 

I've applied for 12 jobs in the past 2 weeks. Everyone is hiring for the holidays so I thought I would have a chance at actually getting something. I've had 2 interviews but so far, no luck. I don't know what to do. I need a job. Ugh!

I went to the gastroentorologist and they knocked me out and stuck a scope down my throat to look in my stomach. I have a hernia somewhere in my esophogas and my stomach lining is mildly enflamed. They said neither of those things could be causing my problems. They also took a sample of my stomach lining to do some tests and I got blood taken today for more tests. I spent a good part of last night throwing up but I'm not sure what caused that. I've felt nauseous this whole time but I've never actually thrown up because of whatever is wrong with me. My mom thinks it was because of the sushi I had for dinner but my sister and her bf shared my sushi and they didn't get sick. But I didn't stop throwing up till all of it had come back up.

I won't be able to start riding lessons until January. I would've had enough points to start in December but there was an $80 (or points) registration fee that put me back, so now I won't have enough until January.

It'd be really nice if something good would happen.


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## tinkerbell09

wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Amba1027

I'm having a bad allergy day. My nose won't stop running. It's so annoying. Why do I have to allergic to anything with fur??

Still no job but I'm hoping maybe someone will call in the next few days. Since it was getting so close to Black Firday I'm hoping they just didn't want to have someone so new working. So maybe after today they will still need people for the holidays and I'll get something. *fingers crossed*

I feel like my BM doesn't like me. I didn't used to feel that way but the past couple of weeks I've been feeling like she thinks I can't do anything right. There are papers on the back of the feed room door that are divided up into the days of the week so that comments can be written on them. Everytime you work you're supposed to check for comments on the last day you worked. Everytime I go now there's things written on there that I swear I didn't do. Forgetting to blanket some of the horses, putting the wrong supplements in their feed, leaving a stall unlatched, etc. I never did any of that!!! I know I've made some mistakes, because there are some things I didn't know I had to do because no one told me. But stuff like that is basic stuff that I know, and I know I didn't do any of it. But since I don't see the comments until a week later there's nothing I can do about it. There's no way to check if I actually did these things wrong because it was a week ago. It makes me uncomfortable because now everytime I go to the barn I'm freaking about doing anything wrong even though I know I didn't do anything the last time. When I leave I'm sure that this time I've done everything right and that there won't be any comments next week but I'm always wrong. 

I'm trying to get back into my religion. I miss how I felt when I was practicing it before some I want to get back into that. I hope I will have enough time because it's going to involve a lot of reading and learning. and I've already got more going on than I used to. Since I now know what I want to do school-wise I know I need to actually be getting good grades, plus the work I've got to do with finding a school and transfering. Then there's working at the barn, and riding when I finally get to start lessons. And then if I actually get a job I'll have that, plus there's all sorts of holiday things I have to do. So the last thing I need right now is something else that involves time but I really want to do this so I guess I'll make time. 

Speaking of things that are going to take up more of my time, I think I should write a book. I read a lot and I'm a good writer so I figure I could do it. I've got a pretty good imagination too so I figure I could write some sort of young adult fantasy novel type thing. Of course I don't know anything about writing a book or how to get it published or anything so it would be an extremly major undertaking. But I feel like I could write something good that would do well so I really want to try and do this.

So that's it for now. All sorts of plans, not a whole lot of time.


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## Amba1027

I hate the cold!!! My car was covered in ice yesterday and the door was frozen shut!!! I want to move to Florida. I would too, if there was a college there that offered Equine Studies. But nooo. I'll probably end up in PA which is colder than here!! Can you tell how much I really seriously hate the cold?

I go to the barn today and the weather is calling for heavy rain this afternoon. This is extremely unfortunate when you consider the fact that I don't own any sort of water proof jacket or footwear. I'm going to skip my last class and go early so hopefully I can get all the horses in before the rain comes. I'm also hoping I'll be able to get some good pictures which probably won't work even if I beat the rain, considering it's pretty overcast today so the lighting sucks.


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## Amba1027

I really dislike my digital photography class. It's seriously boring and I get all me work done way too fast. I've skipped about half the classes and I'm still ahead of everyone else. And that to the fact that I spend most of the time that I am in class screwing around on the internet... Clearly there is not enough to do in this class. All the work I've done probably adds up to 4 classes worth of work for me. Now I've got one project left to do and 2 classes left. It'll maybe take me one to get it done. This is why I like working in the dark room better. I can just keep printing and printing til I run out of paper. I have no desire to edit pictures that are just gonna get saved to my computer, never to be seen again. I much prefer having an actual physical copy of my pictures. I can't wait til this semester is over. I'm so bored with these classes. 

I only got 4 hours of sleep last night. I went to bed early so I would get enough sleep but I ended up waking up at 2 am and not being able to fall back asleep. And when I finally started drifting off my alarm went off. I guess that's life. 

I hate the cold. My car was encased in ice again. It took forever to clear the windshield. I tried to open the back door to get something out but it was frozen shut and I couldn't get it to open. Then about halfway to school the door ajar light comes on :/ 

My mom says I'm always complaining about everything and that she wants to hear me saw something positive. I do complain a lot. So now I will write some positive things. Despite the cold this is my favorite time of year. I love decorating for Christmas and doing Christmas shopping and anything else Christmas related. We got a real tree this year which is awesome because I dislike our giant fake tree that we've had for as long as I can remember. I got fist place for the film-based photography category for the student art show. That was pretty awesome. My best friend is coming home in January so that's soon-ish. Also in January I'll be able to start riding!!! That's probably what I'm most excited about, although right now it still feels really far away. Even though I hate the cold I love the snow and it snowed the other day. Maybe there will actually be snow on Christmas this year.

Ok, that's about all the being positive that I can handle


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## Amba1027

Ugh. It's 4 in the morning and I'm attempting to write essays about my artwork. It's not going well. This is one of the things I hated about art school. This constant need to pick apart our work and say what's good and bad about it in all these technical terms. I don't even think that half the people in the class will understand the terms or get what they're supposed to be writing. We never went over any of this and the only reason I know it is Because I went to art school. I don't really feel like writing here but I don't feel like I can keep going with the papers. I need something to do. I can't go to bed because I'm not done, but I can't finished because I don't know what to write. I don't know what to write here either. This doesn't really seem like the place to be writing about my crazy, non-existant love life. I could go on for days about that but...

I really should get back to work.


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## Amba1027

So I went to bed around 4 not having written any of the previously mentioned essays. I spent forever trying to write those things. Ended up getting them all done in an hour, the next day during class. How sad is that? I could've gone to bed at 10. Now I've got an essay to write for history. And I need to study for my final. Bleh.

I had another job interview today. It was really unexpected considering I applied for it about a month ago. I'm not getting my hopes up this time. I think it went well but so did all the others and I didn't get any of those soooo... we shall see. I also went to my vet's office to see if I could get my old job back. They're not hiring. Which is dumb because they're always hiring. Always. I swear I must be cursed or something when it comes to getting a job. 

I didn't go to the barn today because of the interview. I feel really bad because I found out about the interview last night and since it was so last minute I didn't want to wait til this morning to call people to see if they could take my shift. So I called someone last night around 10:20. It sounded like I woke her up and I feel really bad about it. Plus I'm also paraniod that maybe there was some miscommunication and they didn't go. I always get worried about stuff like that. I hate asking someone else to take care of something I'm respossible for.

Payment for next month's lessons is due soon so I have to make a call to set that up... Hopefully someone is getting me lessons for Christmas because not getting the points from today is gonna put me back a bit. I have enough for January but I don't know that I'll have enough for February.

That's about it for now. Now I have to go write a 3 page paper on European feudalism. Yay.


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## Amba1027

So this day was going badly. Very badly. I suppose some things went ok but the things that were going wrong were really weighing on me. I was feeling every little thing that has gone wrong in the past month. I got so upset with it all, I started crying. I felt a little better after that but things were still bad. And then I got a call that I got a job!!!! Finally, after dozens of applications and interviews someone finally hired me!!! I am so happy and relieved that I finally will have an income. Soooooo happy


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## Amba1027

Christmas was a success. I got subscriptions to 4 horse magazines and 3 books about exersising to work the muscles used in riding and improving your seat. I got two pairs of gloves for riding/working at the barn. I got a new pair of paddock boots, which wern't the kind I asked for and they didn't fit right so my parents took me to exchange them for a pair that I think I like better than the ones I originally asked for. And I got 5 riding lessons. That means I can probably start riding in January instead of February. I really hope I can because this keeps getting put off and it's really depressing. And then hopefully I'll be able to get enough points to start having two lessons a week.

I also got some clothes and jewelry and movies that I'm happy about. I got a GPS for my van which is cool. I don't go too many places that I don't already know how to get to but it's a good thing to have. Got some gift cards too so I'm going shopping with my sister tomorrow.

Right now I'm off to a late lunch/early dinner with my grandma, siblings and cousins.


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## Amba1027

First day of work today. Didn't really do any work. Just filled out paperwork, watched a training video, stuff like that. I got a name tag which I am ridiculously excited about. Because, clearly, I am a loser. 

Someone from the barn called while I was out, to set up my lessons for January. I'm a bit confused about that because I never talked to anyone about it and I thought that since I missed the payment date I would have to wait til February. I guess maybe it works differently when you pay with work points. I have no idea. Anyway whoever called talked to my mom and she set up me lessons for Fridays so I guess I get to start riding this week! Which I did not realize until just now when I thought about the fact that this Friday will be January. Although I don't know if they're gonna be doing lessons on New Year's day so I'll have to remember to ask about that tomorrow.

It's gotten so cold. I hate it. I swear I'm moving to Florida as soon as I have the money. I've started wearing pajama pants under my jeans when I go to the barn. And last week I had to climd through a snow drift to dig out the outlet to plug in the heater to put in one of the troughs. I would've worn snow pants but I didn't have any until Christmas. I had asked for a pair for Christmas and I got some but they aren't what I wanted. I had found a pair that are more fitted than snow pants usually are. I wanted those because then they wouldn't be all baggy and difficult to move around in and they would get caught on stuff. I explained that to my mom so that she would know why I wanted that specific pair. But what do I get on Christmas? A pair of snow pants that are so big, I could fit five of my legs in one side. Exactly what I did NOT want. I can understand them being a little big so that you can layer underneath them but it's ridiculous how big they make these things. I could layer quite nicely under something half their size. So now I still don't have snow pants to wear because i want to return these and find something that atleast slightly resembles what I wanted. At least most of the snow has melted. Now lets just hope I don't dump a bucket of water down my leg like I did last week.


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## Amba1027

My knees are killing me. I don't know why. Work at the barn was bad today. It was below freezing so we couldn't use the watering system. Had to get out the old hose. I don't know if it's called an automatic watering system... I've seen that term before but never knew what it ment. Anyway there are pipes that run into each stall so you just flip the lever outside the stall and... Tada! you have water that goes straight into the bucket. No messy, cumbersum, dripping hose that you have to drag from stall to stall. I thought that was the most amazing and wonderful thing I'd ever seen when I first came to my barn. Especially since the other barns I've been at were bigger and fancier. 

Anyway I love that thing but the pipes aren't insulated so the system can't be used when it's below freezing. So we use the hose. Which I was hoping I'd never have to do again. No such luck. So that bugged me a bit. Then I got interupted 3 times by people who needed help with one thing or another. I don't mind helping people and I'm glad to do it but it takes time and I've got other things I need to do so it's a little bothersome to be interupted. 

At some point I spilled half a bucket of water on myself. Feezing cold water all down my legs. Lovely. Smacked my shin on the wheel barrow, smashed my hand on I don't even know what. Almost got kicked trying to help someone get a horse out of the stall. Moved a bunch of hay from one end of the loft to the other because we're almost out so there's just the one stack at one end. And now I ache and feel like an old person with arthritis. At the ripe old age of 21. I asked my sister if she would give me a massage tomorrow. I think she agreed but I'm too tired to remember. 

I have a lesson on Friday!!! I'm so excited. And since it's New Year's my dad has off work I asked if he'd come take pictures for me. He's actually excited to do it. Probably because he got a new camera for his birthday lol. He actually enjoys doing that I guess. He was always the one who took me to my lessons before. And he was usually the one to take me to see my horse when I had her. He'd actually stay and watch me ride, whereas my mom would drop me off and wait for me to call to come get me. Anyways I get to ride and I'll have pics to put on here so double yay for Friday. Looks like 2010 might just be a whole lot better than 2009.


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## Amba1027

Why oh why can't things ever go well for me? I am so far beyond screwed right now it's not even funny. I have my lovely new job so I'm finally making some money. Yay. And I finally worked enough at the barn that I can start taking lessons. Also yay. Except that my boss schedueled me to work tomorrow afternoon/evening. Even though my avalability scheduel says I can't do Wednesday evenings because that's when I have my shift at the barn. So I call to let them know I can't come in. Now, I understand that if you can't work when you said you could, it's your responsibility to find someone to fill in for you. But if it's their mistake, why should I have to go and fix it? You schedueled me when I said I couldn't work. You screwed up. You fix it. But no. All I get is the phone number of some guy who may or may not be able to fill in for me. So I call him. No answer, of course. I left a message but with the way things are going he probably won't call. So just in case, I've texted someone from the barn to see if they can cover my shift for me. Which really sucks. Because I already had to have someone take my shift a few weeks ago just so I could interview for this stupid job. Which means I didn't get those points that week. Missing another week means I have even less points. Which means I might not have enough for February's lessons. But, no biggie, because my mom offered to pay for whatever lessons I didn't have points for in Feb. So it's all ok right? Wrong. Because no one has called me bad about taking either of my shifts. Which means I'm probably going to end up calling some poor woman at 10 at night when she's already asleep, to ask if she can take my shift. Because that's what happened last time. Because apparently when you call someone to cover for you, they don't think about the fact that they need to give you enough time to find someone else to cover for you when they can't do it. So, again, I am soooo screwed. And I was wrong. 2010 is looking just as bad as 2009.


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## Amba1027

Well the barn manager said she can cover my shift tomorrow so I'll have my second offical day at my new job. I'm glad I got that figured out. I was so afraid I wouldn't find anyone to cover either job for me. That would've been really bad. But it all worked out. I almost had a panic attack because I had to call a bunch of people (I have some anxiety disorders and making phone calls is one of my issues) but it's all over now. I just hope the barn manager doesn't think I'm a flake. This is the second time I've had to do this. Hopefully it'll be the last.

I got my new boots today. I had gotten some for Christmas but I didn't like the fit so I went to Dover with my parents to pick out a different pair. I wanted the lace ups but they were out so they ordered some and had them shipped to us. They're really nice heavy duty winter boots. Waterproof and insulated and all that. It's a good thing my half chaps were a little big on me because the boots are a little bigger than my old ones. So now the chaps fit perfectly over the boots. I'm a little sad I won't be going to the barn tomorrow. I wanted to break my boots in but now I'll have to wait til my lesson on Friday. However, I am extremly happy that there is no chance of me dumping a bucket full of water down my legs tomorrow. Because I still don't have any waterproof pants.


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## Amba1027

I should be going to bed but I feel like writing. My lesson got canceled tonight. I'm pretty bummed about that. I kind of can't believe I just used the word "bummed". Anyway, it snowed last night. Not anywhere near as much as last time but enough that the barn manager decided to cancel the lessons. I was extra excited because I didn't get to wear my new boots yet and I was looking foward to wearing them tonight. Plus, of course, I just really wanted to ride. 

Apparently I'm doing really well at my new job. Our area manager came in today and he said that I'm awesome (in the context of I'm doing good work and am an awesome employee) which made me feel awesome. Up til then I was feeling like I was doing a sucky job and I was kind of worried about whether or not they'd keep me around. My costumer service skills still need improvement and I'm still learning stuff but at least now I feel a little better about the whole thing.

I started designing the add-on to my tattoo. I have a tattoo on my wrist and a little bit ago I decided I wanted to continue it so that it goes all the way around my wrist. I'd been having a hard time finding a design that I liked for it (because when it comes to my tattoos none of my own drawings are good enough for me apparently) but I found one tonight that I'm in love with. So now starts the long and involved tweaking proccess.


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## danastark

Hi, 

Whatever came of your biopsy and blood tests? My daughter was diagnosed with celiac disease (wheat/gluten intolerance) a little while ago, felt rotten all the time. Since she's been on her new diet, she feeling better mentally and physically. Glad to hear the new job is working out. Hang in there!

Dana


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## Amba1027

danastark said:


> Hi,
> 
> Whatever came of your biopsy and blood tests? My daughter was diagnosed with celiac disease (wheat/gluten intolerance) a little while ago, felt rotten all the time. Since she's been on her new diet, she feeling better mentally and physically. Glad to hear the new job is working out. Hang in there!
> 
> Dana


They didn't find anything. They told me if I want to keep looking they'll have to do a colonoscopy which I am really not pleased about. I haven't decided yet if I think it would be worth it. My sister suggested celiac disease when I first started feeling bad but I feel better when I've eaten so we don't think it's any sort of food allergy/intolerance. Thanks for the comments!


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## Amba1027

I really hate that hose. A pipe in the watering system ruptured so we must use the hose until furthur notice. At least there is now an attachment on the end that has one of those switches so you can stop the water from coming out without turning it off. It doesn't work very well. I got to wear my new boots. They're really nice. Keep my feet warm and dry. I can't wait to ride in them on Friday.

I just registered for classes. I'm taking US history, a fitness class, creative writing, and web design. I'm pretty pleased with my scheduel. No 8am classes this semester and the latest I'll be there is 1:45. That leaves me enough time to be able to work the closing shift at the mall so I'll still be able to work a fair amount. The only thing I'm not happy about is I can't take photography. I was hoping to take B&W as an audit but the times conflict with my scheduel. 

That's about it for now.


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## Amba1027

Well my best friend just dropped a bomb on me. I can't talk about it because she asked me not to tell anyone. I'm the only one who knows. It's kind of a big thing and I offered to do something big for her because of it. It's not really anything either of us will have to worry about anytime soon. And I totally will do this thing for her, no question. It's just, I would usually say something to my mom or someone about the stuff she tells me. Not everything but when it's something sad like this I would tell someone. Because I'm sad for her. Anyway I can't tell anyone so I'm writing this to help deal with it.

Lesson tomorrow!!! Hoping this warm weather holds out for another day. Not that I wouldn't be happy to ride in the freezing cold. It's just a nicer experience if I can still feel my toes at the end. And then when I dismount it won't be horribly painful for my poor numb feet. Hopefully my lovely new boots will help with that. Probably no pics or video this time. My dad probably won't be home from work and my mom refuses to believe she can learn to use a camera. I guess it doesn't matter much since there won't be much change between last time and this time. 

I think I finally finished the design for the rest of my tattoo. I've come up with a design that I am totally happy with. On the computer screen anyway. I'll have to print it out and figure out how to size it now. But the basic designing process is done with. Unless it looks terrible when I size it down to fit on my tiny wrist. If it looks bad then I'm back to square one. I really wish my wrists weren't so tiny. I can't wear store bought braclets because they fall off. The guy who did my tattoo called my wrist a chicken wing :/ Anyways it's done and its beautiful. I can't wait to print it out on tattoo paper and see how it looks on my wrist. Here's hoping it looks as great as it does right now.

PS: As I was reading through my old posts to see if I had previously mentioned the tattoo I discovered that I quite frequently dump water on myself. I find that sad.


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## Amba1027

Ugh I am so annoyed!! My best friend is supposed to be visiting for a week. She came in today and had been asking me before if I was free on Sat because she wanted to hang out. Well I haven't heard from her since last night (when I was feeling so badly for her) and I really would like to get to bed. But I would also like to know what I'm doing tomorrow!! I tried talking to her but she won't answer me. I don't want to sit around all day waiting to hear from her. She always does this to me!!

My lesson was good. I feel like I did worse this time then I did last time. Like my position was more off. Of course I was riding a more difficult horse so I suppose that might have had something to do with it. I wore my new boots. They kept my feet warmer than the old ones. They were a bit uncomfortable though. I'm hoping its just because I haven't broken them in yet.

Some of the parents were talking about a tack shop that's going out of business that's about an hour away from me. My mom asked if I wanted to go look at what they have since everything is on sale. I might be able to get another pair of boots, which would be awesome. I'm sure I'll end up wanting to buy everything I see.


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## Amba1027

Someone please tell me why I am best friends with somone who is such a flake. I haven't heard from her at all today, even though we were supposed to get together. I asked her several times last night (online and texting) what time she wanted me to pick her up and I got no answer. I've called her several times today and tried to talk to her online again, no answer. If she weren't talking to other people on facebook I'd be worried about her but she is clearly ignoring me and I don't know why. I mean, why would you even do this to someone. If you can't hang out when you said you wanted to then just say so!! Don't leave me waiting around wondering what happened!! Fortunately I'm used to this from her (maybe I should say sadly) so I told my mom if I hadn't heard from her by the time I got up we would go to the tack shop. I'm really glad I didn't sit around all day waiting to hear from her because it's almost 6:30 and I still haven't heard from her.

So we went to the tack shop and I got some half chaps and a pair of dress boots. I wish I could've found some field boots that fit as well as the dress boots, but no such luck. They also didn't have any paddock boots that fit me. But the stuff we didn't get was 70% off which was great.

Anyway I really just wanted to vent about this thing with my best friend. I work every other day this week so this was the only day we had to hang out (she's going home to MA on Thurs.) and she knows that and she still blew me off. This is the reason I'm her best friend, because no one else will put up with this crap.


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## Brochams MIlkyway

hey keep ya chin up im sure theres more than just me reading this 
were all cheering you on from out here
hang in there and tell your friend to sort her crap out


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## Amba1027

Brochams MIlkyway said:


> hey keep ya chin up im sure theres more than just me reading this
> were all cheering you on from out here
> hang in there and tell your friend to sort her crap out


Thanks 

Well I finally heard from her. She claims she was sick. I don't know if that's true or not and honestly I don't care. She was ok enough to get on facebook so she should've been able to text me to say we weren't gonna be able to hang out. I did actually see her on Monday. Then she blew me off again on Tuesday. I haven't talked to her since. Talking to her about this does no good. We've been friends since the beginning of high school and she's pretty much always been like this. Talking to her about her self centeredness only results in her getting upset. So whatever. If she ever wants to see/speak to me again she can go right ahead and make an effort. Whatever.

I am in such a terrible mood. This crapy weather better let up because if my lesson gets cancelled again... I don't even know. I need to be able to ride. Once a week is not nearly enough. It's driving me nuts. So if I don't even get my once a week... Life sucks enough without losing the one good thing I've got.


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## Amba1027

Classes start tomorrow  I've never been a fan of school. And now that I have other activities that get me out of the house (school used to be the only thing that got me out) I really really don't want to go. I've given up hope of making new friends. I think the fact that I made any friends before was a fluke. (Just so everyone knows, this is more a comment on the people that go to my school than it is about my inability to make friends). On the plus side, it's supposed to be in the 60s. Rainy, but if its warm I don't really care about rain. And I have a lesson which, obviously, is what I'm looking foward to. I think I have web design and health/weight training. I am a little happy about the weight training. I got really out of shape over break. I can barely lift the feed bags anymore.

Not too much else going on. It's going to be interesting being so busy. Two jobs, classes, riding. The most I ever had going on was in high school when I had my horse and a weekend job. And school of course. When I was doing that I only worked every other weekend. I don't know why. I had no social life so it's not like I needed my weekends free. Actually I had more of a social life at work than I did at school. Kind of. Anyway, I'm going to be busy and I don't think I'm going to like it. I hate not having time to just sit and do nothing. I don't know why.


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## Amba1027

Got called into work tomorrow. I keep forgetting I have class til 1:45 on Tues and Thurs so I keep saying I can work. I'm gonna have to skip out on class early both days this week.

I think I'm getting sick. Like a normal person cold type of sick. I feel the beginnings of a sore throat coming on. I don't have time to get sick!!! I used to think people who said that were freaking insane. Maybe if classes hadn't just started I could handle it. Or if I'd had my job for longer. This just isn't good time to get sick. Not that there's ever a good time to get sick. But this is an extra bad time.

I found out just how out of riding shape I am today. I used to be able to be able to post to the trot for half an hour without stirrups. I couldn't do it at all today  I almost fell off just sitting to the trot without stirrups!!! Of course some strange phenomenon then caused my canter to be better than ever... I thought that I would do horrible because my legs were so tired from the troting but... apparently not!

I found out this horse that I really enjoyed riding is available for lease and I had one of my moments where I think maybe, just maybe, it would be possoble for me to have/lease a horse. And then reality set in and crushed my dream once again


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## Amba1027

I have had no idea what to do with myself today lol. No class, no work. All week I've had both so I get up in the morning for class, go straight to work after, the come home and eat dinner, watch a little TV and go to bed. Every day has been completely full and now I have nothing to do. I guess that's a good thing because I really don't want to be out in the snow.

My lesson was great last night. I had this one really good jump. It felt perfect  I thought I was going to be dead today because I had my weight training class and the my lesson. When I got home last night I could hardly walk. Usually it's much worse when I wake up. But I'm fine to day so hopefully that's a good sign.

That's about it for now. Interesting that the busier life gets, the less I have to say.


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## Amba1027

So there's over 2 feet of snow outside. My street hasn't been plowed yet and probably won't be by the morning. At which point I'm supposed to go into work. Because the idiot who is in charge of the mall thinks that being open tomorrow is a good idea. Well, I've got news for that person. They are wrong. They aren't going to make any money because anyone who decides to leave their house tomorrow sure as hell is not going to the mall. So they will be losing money by opening tomorrow. Stupid heads. Anyway I only have the numbers of 2 people that I work with and neither of them are either of the people I will need to get in touch with about me not being able to come in. And calling the store won't help because no one will be there til 11. Actually I don't even know what's going on. They should tell ypou what to do in case of incalment weather when they train you. I had to go on the mall's website to find out that they are opening an hour late. I have no idea what to do!! I'm really hoping someone will call tomorrow and say I don't have to come in. Because I can't come in and I'm pretty sure no one else is going to be able to cover for me. I'll probably get in trouble for this. My manager is really cracking down on people not coming in. Even if you call out it's like with school: you have to have a legit excuse (like a doctor's note or something) otherwise you get in trouble. Even if you find someone to cover your shift!! Which is just silly. 

My lesson got cancelled. Stupid snow. I didn't go work at the barn this past week either. And I don't know if I will this week. This snow is seriously messing stuff up. It's supposed to snow again Tuesday/Wednesday which is why I'll probably miss work at the barn again. Good thing I have my other job and so I have a little money if I need to pay for a few lessons.

I wish snow was still fun like it was when I was little. But now it's just a huge pain. My sister and brother are both off somewhere else so I don't have anyone to go play in the snow with. This is like the only time I regret not going away to college.

I should probably go to bed now since I have to wake up at the crack of dawn to call people...


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## Amba1027

I sprained my shoulder. It's not bad, just a mild sprain but it's kind of making life a little difficult. I had to get help bring the horses in the other day because I didn't want to make it worse. The few that I did bring in were all feeling frisky and so they were jerking on my arm which already made it worse. So I decided to get some help. Then at my other job my manager had me moving all these boxes of shoes around in a very small space. Shoes are heavy!! And I've never really had to do a lot of heavy lifting at work before. It was such bad timing. Sooo... that's been fun.

I got a gift certificate for 4 private lessons for Christmas and I finally got to use one yesterday. And then I have my regular lesson tonight. I feel like I've been improving so that's exciting. I'm learning more this time around than when I took lessons before. When I took lessons before they never really focused on teaching us how to count distances or anything. They just had us jump single fences and see how high we could go. I think I had a pretty good seat back then but that was probably due to my dressage lessons more than my jumping lessons. 

My instructor/ barn manager gave me a packet to sign up for showing. I have never shown before because I was always too nervous to do it but I wanted to give it a try this time around. But I have NO idea what showing will involve and even after reading the packet I am so confused. I was hoping to just sign up for one show to try it out and see how I feel about it but now I don't know. There are all these fees, and I knew there would be and that it's kind of expensive but I can't for the life of me figure out what all the fees are for and what I would have to pay to just do one show. I don't think I could afford it anyway. And I don't know what else I would have to do. I am going to try to talk to my instructor about it at my lesson tonight but lessons are back to back so I don't think she'll have time to go over it with me. So I'm thinking about maybe just seeing if I can come to the shows and help out with whatever and see what it's all about and everything and then I will be ready to show next season. And then, depending on what I help with, I might be able to rack up some more points. Then I could take more lessons or my be afford a lease or something. the packet said that if you get approved for braiding you can get 35 points per horse you braid for shows. I'm going to try and learn to braid and see if I can do the braiding even if I don't show. So hopefully even if I can't show I can help out and get some experience and more points.

Hopefully I will have more pictures at some point. I asked my friend if she would come to one of my lessons and take pictures for me but she hasn't answered yet. I kind of feel weird asking her because we consider ourselves photographers and I've heard her arguing playfully with another photographer friend about paying for pictures. I told her I'd buy her dinner if she took pictures for me because I didn't know if offering to pay her would be weird. I think normally she would do something like that for me just because we're friends but I know not everyone is all that interested in watching people ride. And it's on Friday nights and she's a social person. And it's cold. So I thought maybe I should offer her something since it might not be all that fun for her. I hope she will do it for me though because it will probably be a while before my dad can come with me again. So that's all for now.


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## Amba1027

I have 3 lessons this week!!! So excited. I have a make up tomorrow from when it snowed, then another 1/2 hour private on Thursday, and my regular lesson on Friday. And my friend told me she'd take pictures for me at some point so that's good.

A customer at work today told me we are supposed to get a huge snow storm on March 10th. She said 4 feet which sounds like a bit of an exageration... But with all the earthquakes and tsunamis and snow storms of late I don't know that we can rule anything out.


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## Amba1027

I am extremly unhappy. I missed my lesson tonight. And because I didn't know this was going to happen I basically had to forefit the lesson. I was supposed to get off work at 6 but the guy who was supposed to come in when I got off didn't come in until 7:20. So I had to stay until he got there which caused me to miss my lesson. And he didn't even have a good reason for not being there. He was taking some test to get into the military or something and he thought he would be done by 5. But he wasn't. So I got screwed. Soooo mad.


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## Amlalriiee

Forgive me if you've already updated on this, but did you ever find out what was behind your nausea/sickness? 

I was sick for 7 months with doctors telling me I was bulemic and making things up, etc, etc, etc. My gall bladder had smoldered inside me. They had already looked for gall stones and done every other test in the book and told me it was IMPOSSIBLE for it to be my gall bladder. Then, a cat scan showed an air pocket in me...they did a gall bladder function test and it was only processing 6% of the fat it was supposed to...a possibility to think about


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## Amba1027

Amlalriiee said:


> Forgive me if you've already updated on this, but did you ever find out what was behind your nausea/sickness?
> 
> I was sick for 7 months with doctors telling me I was bulemic and making things up, etc, etc, etc. My gall bladder had smoldered inside me. They had already looked for gall stones and done every other test in the book and told me it was IMPOSSIBLE for it to be my gall bladder. Then, a cat scan showed an air pocket in me...they did a gall bladder function test and it was only processing 6% of the fat it was supposed to...a possibility to think about


No we never found out what it was. It has mostly gone away at this point. I don't feel nauseaus very much anymore so I kind of just gave up on finding out what it was. They said the next thing they wanted to do was a colonoscopy and since it's not that bad anymore I didn't want to have to do that. Thanks for sharing that though. If it gets bad again I will ask the doctor about it.


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## Amlalriiee

alright..just didn't want anyone to deal with that as long as I did, I know how much it sucks!!! If it's any comfort to you, I had to have the colonoscopy and honestly felt nothing. Other than the fact that they fill you up with air so you feel bloated/gassyish. But I just fell asleep and woke up and was like "when do I go in? why did I fall asleep?" and they said "no, it's already over!" haha good luck! nausea+horses=bad news.


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## Amba1027

Amlalriiee said:


> alright..just didn't want anyone to deal with that as long as I did, I know how much it sucks!!! If it's any comfort to you, I had to have the colonoscopy and honestly felt nothing. Other than the fact that they fill you up with air so you feel bloated/gassyish. But I just fell asleep and woke up and was like "when do I go in? why did I fall asleep?" and they said "no, it's already over!" haha good luck! nausea+horses=bad news.


It's more the fact that you have to drink a bunch of crap and spend the day on the toilet emptying yourself out that bothers me. I'm pretty good with scary doctor stuff, knowing that they will knock me out. Although when I went in for getting the tube stuck down my throat I woke up towards the end, which I am pretty sure wasn't supposed to happen. It didn't freak me out or anything though. I knew what was going on so I just stayed still. I actually felt bad because I started coughing and I thought that was messing things up but I couldn't make myself stop lol. Anyway I would hate for that to happen during a colonoscopy :?.


I fell off yesterday. First time since I started riding again. I'm oddly proud of it. I have no idea why. Maybe because I was kind of dreading the moment when it would happen again, but knowing it was coming. And now it's happened and I'm fine so I feel good about it...? I don't know, I'm very strange lol. It was a slow motion fall. Never had one of those before and it was pretty cool. I felt like I was floating next the horse, watching his legs moving, thinking 'I hope he doesn't step on my arm or something'. I landed on my right butt cheek. That's the only place I felt pain when I landed. But apparently I also hit my left elbow because it is scrapped. Anyway it is my right hip/butt and shoulder that hurt the most. I cancelled my lesson for tonight because I didn't want to start riding and find out I was too sore to really do much. Even though when I got back on after I fell it didn't hurt.


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## Amba1027

Well, I haven't been on here in a while and I feel like I have so much going on now that I just need to vent.

Things at the barn are falling apart. My favorite horse got moved to another barn and two of the horses got put down while I was on vacation. The barn manager left. I don't know if she quit or was fired. I know she was planning on leaving mid-August, and I guess was staying around so the owner had time to find a replacement. Then I come back from vacation and she's just gone. The owner has taken over the managers responsabilities (obviously there is no one else to do them) but I have to wonder what is going to happen now. The owner has been trying to sell the barn as an up and running business (for far more than anyone is going to pay, according to some). Given that she was hoping to retire soon, now that she has to have such an active role in running things again, I wonder how long things are going to last. I like my job there. There aren't many places around here that you can work off the entire lesson amount. After almost a year there I've finally gotten the hang of things. I know my job and I'm happy with it. I really don't want to have to find a new barn but I really think it's going to come down to that soon.

I'm still with my crappy retail mall job. Manager there is gone too. Also a case of did she quit or was she fired? Came back from vacation and she was gone (usually things don't happen when I go on vacation but after this I might never leave again). While her leaving has made things a lot easier on the rest of us, I still feel like I'm about to lose my mind. I'm supposed to be getting a promotion that will put me in charge of the stock room. It's a job I feel I can do and it will come with a raise so that's always nice. But people keep making a mess of the stock room and it's driving me nuts! I work at a shoes store and we keep all the shoes in the back so when someone wants to try one on you have to go back and find it for them. Obviously the shoes in the back are organized in a certain way, and at the end of your shift you are to put back the shoes you brought out to show people. Also when we get shipments of new shoes everyone pitches in with putting them away. It's really not that hard to figure out where things go and to put them back in the right place. Yet someone (maybe more than one person, I really don't know) in constantly putting things back in the wrong places. I've found entire sections of shoes where they don't belong. Honestly if you don't know how to put the shoes up right, don't do it! And if you are going to be lazy and not do it right one purpose, don't do it! I am tired of cleaning up other peoples messes, and it actually makes more work for me than if they had just not done anything at all.

For the most part, my jobs are my life right now. Not much else goes on for me outside of them. Nothing else quite so drama filled anyway (except for boy drama but I try not to talk about that; it never helps anyway). I've really just been feeling like I'm about to cry these last couple of days. I feel like there's just this huge pressure on me and every little thing is going to send me over the edge. I hate this part of summer; it's always been the worst for me. At this point I just want it to be over, even though I know that means I'll have the added pressure of classes. I hoping to be leasing my friend's horse soon, but that will be just another added pressure. I'm also hoping it will help some, to offer me an escape from all of this. I would love to be able to just go ride whenever I want. My mom doesn't want me to do it. She keeps trying to come up with different ways to talk me out of it. I'm really at a point where I can't take that. I need support, not someone telling me that what I want to do is a bad idea.

Anyways that's all the venting I can stand for now. I'm too tired to keep this up.


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## Amba1027

So the riding instructor at my barn is leaving. Which means that the BO will have to teach all the lessons. I think she's going to tire of that quickly. She already decided to stop offering lessons on Fridays. Also, I've heard people complaining that she is not honoring their make-up lessons. I've got quiet a few I need to schedule which I'm afraid I won't be able to do now. I really wish someone would hurry up and buy the place. It could get worse with a new owner (I know thing could be so much worse than they are) but I just feel like things are slowing heading downhill. The place needs a fresh start and someone who actually still has a desire to be running a lesson barn. Plus, the longer this goes on, the more I feel like she's going to get fed up and just start selling it off bit by bit. I feel like I'm just repeating myself with this, and I probably am, but I'm just so worried about this.

I'm going to try out my friend's horse tomorrow. My mom is still being unsupportive. There is no reason why I shouldn't do this. I can afford it and it's something I want to do. I really don't understand what her problem is. Anyway I hope things go well tomorrow and I like the horse. If not I'll start saving up for my own horse.


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## Amba1027

School starts soon. Hopefully this will be my last year. Kind of sad really, that it will be my fifth year of college and all I'll have to show for it is a 2 year degree. Oh well. I got something out of it I guess, and that's all that matters. I keep forgetting I need to do some work on my schedule. Hopefully there's still a different bio class I can switch to because the one I'm in right now has lab hours when I'm supposed to be working at the barn. I'd rather not have to switch/drop my morning shift at the barn. The BO asked me if I would be interested in being on the adult show team and I'd need to work a few extra shifts to pay for it. And I really would love to do it. I've been wanting to give showing a try and this would be perfect. It's much more relaxed which is definately what I need. So having to drop a shift I already have when I might need extras is not a good idea if I want to be able to do this.

Which brings me to the fact that I am going to have no time for relaxing once September comes. Classes will have started and so will my lease on my friends horse. Add to that my 20+ hours a week at work, and working at the barn (plus maybe a few extra shifts and shows) and I don't think I will have time to breathe. I have never been this busy before in my life. In fact I kind of went from doing absolutly nothing to as busy as I could possibly be, in a very short amount of time. I'm really hoping I can make it all work, because if I take even one thing out I feel like everything will fall apart. (Well I could do without the extra shifts and showing but I still feel like there's a ton of stuff going on even without that.) So we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can handle everything.


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## KatCashen

im also here reading/(listening).. im catching up though im on page 2 barely so ill get there!


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## KatCashen

Ok all Caught up!! IM rooting for yah!!!


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## KatCashen

Hey hows riding comin along? im starting my lessons next month super excited.. but totally lost when it comes to buys the dress attire for drassage! .. itll be my first english lesson so im hoping i dont fall off the horse!!


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## Amba1027

It's going good, thanks for asking! I had a fantastic lesson on Monday. Let us know how the lessons go when you start, I'm sure you will do well!

I guess there is more to write but I'm too tired at the moment so maybe tomorrow.


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## Amba1027

My friend (who's horse I'll be leasing) told me today that her mom is having someone who is interested in buying him come out and look at him on Sunday. We're both pretty ****ed about it. I mean I know there's nothing I can do about it. I haven't signed anything yet so it's not like I have any say in the matter adn I kind of get it, though I'm still upset about it. Hopefully it won't work out. I don't think it will. Just from hearing what little my friend knows about the woman, I don't think she is a good match for her horse. This woman apparently is older and just getting back into riding and looking for her first horse. Really not a good match for my friend's horse at all. I wouldn't have done well on him when I first started riding again, I know. I'm just worried it's gonna be one of those things that you sometimes get with first-time horse owners. She's gonna fall head over heels in love with him and decide that she just HAS to have him even though she can't handle him. Fast foward to 6 months later when she sells him for $500 because she hasn't been able to get near him the entire time she's had him. Maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. But I have been looking foward to this for a long time. We'd gone back and forth about me leasing him since the beginning of the summer and now that it's so close to actually being real (my leasing would start Sept 1st) I feel like it's slipping away again. This was going to be the one thing I was looking foward to in my crammed schedule. Even though I'm going to have to spend everyday exhausting myself with school and work I was going to get to go to the barn and ride this horse who I love riding. Ugh. I hate this. I hope the woman doesn't like him. Most people don't so lets just hope she's one of them.


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## KatCashen

What that sux!! I hope he bites her..lol !!


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## Amba1027

Lol my friend is planning on making him act like a jerk so she won't want him. And he does act like he's going to bit when you groom him so maybe that will scare her off.


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## KatCashen

lol well lets hope so!!..lol


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## Amba1027

Time to be stressed. I'm going out to the barn tomorrow to watch the woman who's interested in buying my friend's horse ride. If things don't go well with them I'll be signing the lease. Which I would love because I love this horse. But the last few times I've gone to see him have revealed some problems (he won't let me catch him in the field, and he doesn't like me trying to get him out of his stall) that I'll have to work on. Not that I mind having to work with him on things. It just makes it a little harder on me as now I have to plan out what and how I'm going to be working on thing with him. Before it was more of a carefree go out and hop on and work on some flat work with him type of thing. Anyway it's going to be a little different from what I was expecting but that's ok with me.

Classes start on Monday. I have no idea when my classes are. I mean I have the paper somewhere but I didn't look at it all that closely or commit it to memory or anything. I haven't even bought my books yet. I've never liked school and it's never really been a problem because I've been able to scrape by with really low grades. But now I'm hoping I can get the last few credits I need to get a degree and be done. Which means I need to actually make an effort. I don't know if I can do it after all these years of slacking off.

Also I found out I have tendonitis in my right wrist and ankle. The ankle doesn't bother me really unless I bend it in a certain direction, which isn't a natural direction for it to be bent in so I'm ok with that. But my wrist kills me. The side of my hand is swollen and it hurts along with my wrist and fingers. It doesn't hurt all the time but using my hand too much aggrivates it and my job (and horses) require a lot of hand/wrist usage. I don't think it will heal properly (if at all) if I don't give it a rest for a few days. I can't afford to take that much time off work. When I went to the doctor about my wrist he also told me I need physical therapy to strengthen my back so it will stop hurting. I don't have time for PT but I won't do the exercises on my own. My mom knows that so she's making me go. Today, though, I'm thinking thats not such a bad idea. My back is killing me. I'm sure the roller coasters and walking all over the place didn't help but it was already killing before that stuff and it doesn't feel any worse. Doesn't feel any better either. I don't know what to do. I don't have the time, but it hurts enough that I know I don't have any choice but to go.

That's all for now. If I do end up signing the lease this weekend I'll put up a thread with pictures and things. Now I'm off to bed, hoping my back will feel better in the morning.


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## KatCashen

So did you get to sign the lease? That sux about your back and wrist Hope thing are going good.. !!


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## Amba1027

The woman never showed up to look at the horse. Apparently the plan was to let me lease him for Sept. anyway and then if the woman wanted him she would have to wait til Oct. But none of that matters now. I have the lease agreement. My dad looked it over and said it was fine. So now I get to sign it and he'll be "mine"! 

That's all for now. Got to get to bed.


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## KatCashen

Sweeet... well congrats and have fun maybe post some pics of this famous animal too!!!


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## Amba1027

Well it's offical now. I aam leasing Lucas for the month of September and if everything goes well I'll continue to lease him for the rest of the year. It doesn't quite feel real yet. I guess because I haven't been out to the barn to see him without my friend being there too. But I'm about to head out and ride him by myself so maybe then it will start to sink in. I want to bring my mom with me since she hasn't met him yet but I'm pretty sure he's going to act like a butt when I try to get him out of the stall and I'm not sure I want my mom there for that. Not much else to report. I put up a thread with pictures of him in it. I guess maybe I should post the link on here or something...
http://www.horseforum.com/horse-pictures/meet-lucas-63840/#post737687
There we go!


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## Amba1027

Just a quick update before I go to bed. My ride was great. Lucas was so good. He didn't give me any problems when I got him out of the stall (the last time I tried to get him out without my friend there he was... bratty). He usually is very quick when you ride him, always breaking to the trot when you just want him to walk, but today he mostly stayed nice and calm and slow (he got a little quick at the end). Since he was being slower than normal I cantered him to the right, which I have only done once before. It didn't go to well the first time; he gets really quick and starts to cut in a lot and doesn't want to slow down very much. My guess would be it's because he's off the track, but seeing as he is 19 years old I would think he would've been worked enough to the right to have gotten over any trouble by now. I might start a thread on that later... Anyway we cantered to the right and he did go a little faster than to the left, but no near as fast as before. And he cut in less and stopped only after a little asking, instead of a lot of asking. So all in all it was a very good first solo barn trip/ride for me.


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## Amba1027

Life hasn't been going well. I've had a bad week. I wish I could go ride but I can't afford that gas. I'm going to need to try really hard to work out going to the barn when I'm going to/coming from work (the barn where Lucas is is between work and home). Plus its raining right now and the sound of rain on the arena roof freaks him out. So it wouldn't be a good ride anyway. Yesterday was a good ride though. He has problems cantering to the right (gets really fast and unbalanced; I think I've mentioned before) but he did really well yesterday. He stayed at the speed I asked for and didn't start cutting in and making super tiny circles. So I'm happy about that and so is his mama. 

My friend (Lucas' owner) left for school a few days ago. I don't usually get along with other horse people (no idea why) so having a horsey frined is really nice. She came to the barn (where I work and take lessons) with me a couple of times. She took video of one of my lessons and helped me take care of the horses which was really nice. No one really does that kind of stuff for me. I mean I get that you kiond of have to be a horse person to actually WANT to do that stuff but I always see gilrs with there friends/bf who know nothing about horses, come to the barn with them. It's a struggle for me to occasionally get a family member to come watch a lesson. So it was nice that she did that for me. While we were there working she was looking at a paper that had boarding costs on it and she mentioned that boarding there was cheaper than where Lucas is at now. So we were kind of talking about moving him there, but I was saying it wasn't really that much cheaper becasue boarders are required to take 2 lessons a week and do one show series. but then when I was there working the other day I thought about the fact that I make enough to do 2 lessons a week and I'm in a show series and since I'm leasing him that would probably be ok that I'm the one doing the lessons and showing. It would be so much better if he were there. I like my barn so much better. I never really liked the barn he's at. I used to board my horse there and I hated being there. Anyway I got the ok from my friend to talk to my BO about moving Lucas there. The only thing that I think might be a problem is that she wants him turned out in a flat field and the only way that will happen is if he gets turned out with the ponies or in the outdoor ring. I actually hadn't thought of the pony field til just now. I was just going to see if he could be turned out in the outdoor. That would probably be better since the pony field is small. And full of ponies. Well there are only 3. But he is a big horse so that would probably be a bad idea. I guess I should probably find out why she wants him turned out in a flat field so I have all the info I need before I go to my BO. Sorry this post is kind of rambling. My head is somewhere else.


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## Amba1027

Ugh life is still not going well. I've got a cold, which really sucks because I don't have time to be sick. And I hate myself for saying that. My best friend will say that all the time and I want to smack her. I just think, what kind of life do you have if you can't afford to slow down and take it easy when you are sick? Well now I know what kind of life that is and it sucks. It's not even so much that I mind being super busy. I mind that I don't have a choice. I mind that if I don't work for a few days, I won't be able to afford things. What a craptacular life.

My birthday is coming up. I think I should just ask everyone for money. Which I don't want to do because getting money as a gift is boring. But money is the only thing I need right now. I want other things. But I'm trying to take care of what I need first. Then I can have what I want. From my parent, I think I will just ask for them to forgive whatever I owe them (or atleast some of it if they won't do all of it). That is if I get anything else after they get me the show clothes I need. From my sister though, I'm getting something I want. She said she'd take me for a new piercing (so long as there's not TOO much parental objection). So that I'm happy about. From the rest of my family, I'm thinking of just asking for money. They don't tend to do anything too exciting anyway. I'm just afraid I'm gonna end up with $20 from everyone. Which isn't much help. But it would be $20 more than I had before so I can't really complain. My friend is getting me a fake leather jacket I want, and if not that then probably a pair of shoes that I want, so that will be nice. 

I'm not getting to ride much which is a bummer. And I'm sick right now, so no riding. Last time I was sick and tried to ride, I felt like I'd been going for hours after 10 minutes. Not good, especially if your horse is a little bit of a handful, which Lucas can be. I'm going to go lunge him though, so he gets something. but I'm really just not finding the time to get out there like I thought I would. It really sucks because I don't think I could find it in me to stop leasing him, even if I'm not getting out there much. I guess I'm just gonna have to try harder to get out there.


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## KatCashen

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP...lol heals everything!!! i hopw eyou get better soon so that you can jump on lucas and forget about life worries for a moment!!!


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## PumpkinzMyBaby22

Egh, getting sick is the worst. Get better soon! Life will come around and have a good stroke soon.


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## Amba1027

This stupid cough is still hanging on. My friend thinks I got it from her. I hope not because she had that thing for a good month before I went away.

I got bit today. This horse at the barn is supposedly a bitter, so she's not aloud to have the top of her stall door open. I'd never actually seen her bite anyone, just pin her ears and make faces. I wondered if they were just being cautious with her, but then someone left the top of her stall open and she bit a girl's face. So she's a bitter. Still she's been there for months and I've never had any problems with her. Not that I don't watch out but I just thought she had the whole "don't bite the hand that feeds you" thing going on. Apparently not since today she decided my arm resembles a chew toy. I don't even know why she decided to bite me. I was just bringing her in and when I turned around to close the gate I felt a very sharp pinch on my arm. I think I scared her when I yelled ow. Luckily she only broke the skin a little bit. It's mostly a lump and bruise. But after that I'm not really sad she's leaving in a few days.

My friend finally agreed to move Lucas to my barn, but I'll have to wait til she's here so that will be in December. I'm trying to convince myself it's better than nothing but it's so far away and I don't kow if I can handle two more months at that barn.

Ugh I wanted to type more but I'm too tired.


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## Amba1027

*sigh* I need to go ride Lucas. I haven't been in a week. It's been raining like crazy so he hasn't been out. Which is even more reason for me to go ride him since he's not going out to play. But I haven't had time and now I'm just dreading getting on him and fighting with him because he's feeling fresh and doesn't want to listen. I don't know if I can stand 2 more months of this. I was hoping it would stop raining for long enough that things would dry out and they would go out and he could run his crazies out. But I don't know if it was dry enough that they would've been out today, and it's going to start raining again. For days. Oh, and he's afraid of the sound the rain makes so I can't actually ride him when it's raining. And I hate going there by myself. No one is ever there and I'm just not comfortable being there alone. And my only horsey friend is Lucas' owner so I don't have anyone who wants to come to the barn with me for a couple hours. My one friend will come with me but I can tell she is bored and doesn't really want to. I wish there was a way for me to explain this to my friend. She said she's coming home for a weekend at the end of this month. If I could explain this to her maybe she'd agree to move him when she comes then. But she said she's not telling her parents she's coming home and they would need to be involved in moving him. GAHH!!! It's just so frustrating!! I hate that barn so much. The isle lights have been broken for 2 months now. I know that has nothing to do with anything, but honestly, what the hell is up with that? I really can't stand being there. I just need to find a way to make it through.

I'm supposed to be getting a raise at work but I'm looking for a new job so that doesn't really matter. I've applied for a bunch but that was only last night so I probably won't hear anything for about a week or so. There was one really well paying job that I had been hoping to get. I applied a week ago and had been waiting for them to get in touch with me. Well I hadn't realized the position was full time. I definitely don't have time for full time. I go to school full time and have my job at the barn. So the only thing I would have time left for is sleep. I literally would have time for nothing else. So when they called to talk to me about my application I had to tell them I hadn't realized it was full time and couldn't do it. I was so upset. I so wanted that job. It was overnight hours so they were going to pay a lot more than other people will. But at this point, with how my current job is, anything more than what they are paying would be fine. They could even pay me the same as what I'm getting now, as long as I don't have to make an hour round trip for a 2 hour shift. Hopefully I hear something from one of the jobs soon. And I still have some places to apply to. I might go over to Dover and see if they are hiring. Though I'm not sure I want to work retail again, especially with the holidays coming.

Things at the barn are going ok. We got a new barn manager; she's nice and seems to know what she's doing. I've offically got one month til my first show ever. It hasn't really sunk in yet so I'm not nervous. I'm sure I'll feel like I'm going to throw up or pass out the night before/morning of. I am excited for it though. Getting to go to barns I've never been to and ride horses I don't know is going to be an awesome experience. 

Two more boarders left. I don't want to think things are still going downhill but I don't think they have anyone looking to move in except for me, and that's a ways away. On one hand, I hope we get more boarders, as it's obviously not good for bussiness to not have boarders. On the other hand I am worried about a stall being available for Lucas come December. Not that I think all the stalls will be full (there are quiet a few empty on both the boarding and lesson sides) but people are going to want the bigger stalls. Lucas is a big horse and the smaller stalls will be too small for him. I don't think people would be happy about moving to a smaller stall so he can have one he'll actually fit in. Hopefully everythign continues to go ok. I would hate for them to keep losing business and have to close. 

That's about all for now. I will definitely be out to see Lucas tomorrow so I'm sure there will be a lot to say then...


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## Amba1027

My mother is driving me insane. I'm trying to get a new job so I can make enough money to pay for the things I need to pay for. She wants me to get a job so she can get a discount on our pets' vet care. She already gets a discount because she has been going there forever and the doctors like her. I have tried to get a job there again (I used to work there in high school) but whenever I go in they say they don't have anything available and that they'll call when they do. They never call and one time they lied about not having anything available. It wasn't too bad when I worked there before, but there were some problems. Now, with them lying to us about job openings, it seems to have gotten worse. But she doesn't care that she's trying to force me to persue a crappy job. She just wants her discount. Honestly, she has the time and ability to work there herself. If she cares so much about that discount she should try to get a job there. And unless she is going to make up for my crappy pay by paying my expenses she needs to stop trying to tell me where to work.

Now that my crazy mom rant is out of the way, on to other things. I got a call and an email about jobs I have applied for. I emailed back and set up an interview for tomorrow. I have been told I'm bad at interviewing (and that's since I've improved; I must have been really terrible before) but I think I should be better since I've been working retail for almost a year. I have noticed I'm better at interacting with people then I used to be. So hopefully that carries over to my interviewing abilities. Plus, I definitely have the experience for this job. So maybe even if my interviewing doesn't go too well, my experience will help. The job I got the call about I'm not even going to touch. Right after I sent in my resume I read some pretty bad things about the company on facebook. My friend went to them and they were still charging her for insurance on her cat for over a year after it died. Then I was talking to my other friend about them and she said they've got a whole bunch of people sueing them. So not even going there. Hopefully this first one will work out and I will have a new job soon. 

I only have 11 hours this week at my job. That is no where near what I need to be working. It's barely enough to pay for gas. I don't understand why they have been cutting back on my hours. They claim they want to promote me so shouldn't I be getting more hours? Just one of the many reasons I need a new job.

Well I'm off to the barn now. Hopefully Lucas isn't nuts. I know it'll be easier once I get there. It's just getting up and going that's the hard part, especially with all this rain and cold.


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## KatCashen

DUUUDE i havent seen liberty in 2 weeks... im going today though after work thank God i have missed her.. ive just been sooo busy broke up with the baby daddy so yeah crazy stuff!!! 

Dude Jobs are sooo hard to find anywhere specially a good payin one just keep looking ... and moms are always crazy sometimes lol my mom drives me nuts sometimes about money lol!! Good luck on the promotion!!!!


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## Amba1027

Aw I'm sorry about your break up. Those can be tough. Hope you are doing ok!

I went out to see Lucas a few days ago and just lunged him. I was going to ride him but I just didn't feel up to dealing with all of that pent up energy. So I let him run on the lunge line and get a little of the crazy out. Luckily it has stopped raining so they are going out again. I went and rode him today and I guess he was really happy to get out and play because he was really off at the trot. I'm guessing he just played too hard and is now a little sore. I checked his legs -no heat or swelling- and walked him around for a bit and he was fine as long as I didn't ask him to trot. I will hopefully go out again tomorrow and see how he is doing. He behaviour seemed good today, though I only walked him but he seemed to be listening pretty well. I'm hoping to get on a better schedule of going out to see him. That will go a long way toward he acting better.

That's all I've got for now. Want to get to bed.


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## KatCashen

Yeah the break up was pretty lame but im much better now got a new guy .. well sorta lol its weird cause we arent together but havin fun.. i kinda wish we where together though cause hes pretty awesome he makes me SMILE all the friggin time..lol

Dude ok so where Liberty is at right now i just pay for food pretty much any way .. 2 weeks ago i bought an 80 lb bag of pellets and then gave her 20$ so that woulda lasted her 2 weeks and then some.. I [email protected] went out there 2 weeks later liberty lost like 75 lbs i was sooo ****ed she was using the food that bought for her other horses and givin her 1 scoop a day... so then i went and got 7 80lbs bags of pellets cost like 100 bucks right that shoulda lasted at least 2 months with 4 scoops a day.. a week later i went back and there where only 2 bags left.. and she maybe gaine 15-20 lbs i was soooo freaking mad soo i tryin to find corral so i can move her to my moms!! So im hoping its very soon specially caue winter is about to be ghere and she needs more weight on her!!

hows lucas riding lately you jumping him yet?


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## Amba1027

Wow that's terrible! I can't believe people try to get away with things like that. Do they think you won't notice a ton of your food is missing? That's one of the reasons I want Lucas moved to my barn, because I know everyone who works there and I trust them to feed him the way we want. I hope you can get Liberty moved to your mom's soon!

Lucas has been lame since last Saturday  We thought, at first, that he was just sore from playing too hard outside. It had been raining a lot here so he hadn't been out in a week and Saturday was the first day he got to go back out. But it's been over a week and he's still off. The farrier came today and my friend is hoping that will fix it but I haven't noticed anything with his feet so I don't think it will. I was hoping she would want to have the vet come out and look at him but she told me they can't afford it right now. If I had the money I would pay for it but I don't.

So no jumping him. Even if he weren't lame she doesn't want me jumping him til she comes home in November. Doesn't really matter at this point since I can't do more than walk him right now.

I had my first show ever on Sunday. It went... ok. I was in a walk/trot class, 4 fence class and 6 fence class. The walk/trot was good. I got 5th. The only comment the judge made was that I was going too slow. I was happy that I placed. For the 4 fence I completely bombed it. I was soooo nervous I just screwed it up. I was nervous for the walk/trot too but since I wasn't the only one in the ring I didn't feel as much pressure. When it came to the jumping... I guess I kind of went into shock. I didn't feel that nervous but I could tell I wasn't paying attention and doing terribly. So for the 4 fence I just kind of sat there and the horse I was riding ran out on the last fence. After my warm up for the 6 fence I was still out of it and doing terribly. My coach told me if I kept riding like I was I would get myself killed. I managed to straighten myself out after that and ended up placing 2nd. All-in-all it was a good first show. Hopefully at the next one I won't be so nervous and do well in all my classes.


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## Amba1027

My dog died on Friday. We have other dogs but he was "mine". I wasn't expecting it at all. Maybe I should've been. He was getting up there in age. He had cancer, but he'd had it for years. It wasn't agressive at all. Most of the tumors weren't malignant. It was basiclly a freak accident that took him. His stomach twisted causing him to bloat. They would've had to do surgery to fix it. He most likely wouldn't have made it through the sugery and even if he had it would've been a long hard road to recovery. If he even made it long enough to recover. I know putting him down was the right thing to do. But I can't believe he's gone. I've been through this before. We've had pets my whole life so I've grown up with losing them. I even came home one day to find one of my cats dead on the kitchen floor. But I've never been as close to them as I was to Sandy. Now that he's gone I realize I thought he'd always be around. Which is silly, I know. He wasn't going to live forever. But I just never thought one day he'd be gone.


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## KatCashen

AWWWW im soo sorry.. ( at least he had a long happy life with you!! Just remember that he was a happy pup an you did wat awas best for him.. it still does suck though. Did you get him cremated or anything!! Put a cross up around the house some where in his remeberance .. i have one for my pup who i had to put down cause he broke his back  !!! hope things get better for you!!


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## PintoTess

are you ALWAYS sick lol  i really hope you are alright though


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## Amba1027

PintoTess said:


> are you ALWAYS sick lol  i really hope you are alright though


Lol it does seem like that doesn't it? I actaully have a pretty good immune system. Everyone in my house can be sick and I'll be fine. I don't know, maybe I just only write in here when I'm sick so it seems like I always am?

Lucas is getting moved to my barn in a week. Everyone is really excited about the move, even his owner, which I'm happy about. Things at the barn have been going really well lately. We got a new BM at the end of the summer and she is great. I've become good friends with one of the girls that works there. I'm also being more social with a lot of other people there, which I've never had at a barn before. I rode in my first ever show back in October and got a 5th in walk/trot and 2nd in the 6 fence class. I'm really proud of myself for that one considering that in the 4 fence I was so nervous the horse ended up running out at the last fence. The next show is in 2 weeks and hopefully I won't be as nervous for that one. 

Well, that's the short recap of the past few months. Now for the issues.

Lucas is being moved in one week. I went to a show with my friend (his owner) on Sunday so she could meet some people from the barn and whatnot. Well she loved everyone and is now really excited about moving him. The barn he is at right now does a lot of western and breeding stuff; not a whole lot of english and showing and things, which my friend misses. So seeing that there is more of a show barn atmosphere at my barn, she got super excited. That's all fine and good. I'm happy she is looking foward to having him there. The problem is she started talking about things like how she is going to be riding every day and doing all these shows while she's home. There hasn't, however, been any talk of changing the lease to half or something. I know he is her horse but I'm not paying for her to be riding all the time. I know he can be ridden more than once a day but she likes to work him hard. She was asking me if I would be taking a lesson on him so she would no what day she had to go easy on him. I plan on talking to her about this of course. Thus far she has been very understanding and reasonable regarding how much/what I would be paying for. I guess I'm just a little suprised she didn't mention moving the lease to half while she's home. But she did mention that I might be paying less once he is moved since the board is less there so that's good. Then there's the whole jumping thing. When I first started riding Lucas my friend said he was difficult to jump and, for that reason, she didn't want me jumping him until she had time to teach me how to jump him (she was about to leave for school). So we agreed I wouldn't be doing any jumping with him until she came home for winter break. I mentioned the other day that I was excited to be jumping him soon. Her reply was, "_Learning_ to jump him". Like I have no idea how to jump a horse. Like he's soooo different that one needs to be specially trained before they're even allowed to think of jumping him. I've seen her jump him. Nothing special. He gets a little fast and strong but that's how he is with anything you do with him. She's just got it in her head that he's her horse and that no one can figure out what to do with him without her guidance. She claims she is the only one who he'll get on the trailer for too. No idea if this is true or not but I find that people who say this tend to be full of it. So that's all that's going on there. I'll probably be putting up pictures of Lucas in his new home once he's moved and I'll definitly post about how it went. Here's hoping it all goes smoothly!


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## Amba1027

Haha just realized I posted twice about the show. I guess I was really happy about it lol.


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## Amba1027

I'm having a really bad day. I've just felt like crap all day. My stupid job that's not even my job anymore is making me miserable. I hate it.

I rode in my second show ever yesterday. I didn't do as well as I did in the first one ribbon-wise. I got second in my W/T class. I didn't place in W/T/C or 6 fence. But I wasn't nearly as nervous for this one so that was a plus. And I had fun and it was a good experience which is what it's all about.

We moved Lucas on Friday morning. A couple that I ride with offered to trailer him for us, which was so nice of them. Everything went smoothly. Lucas was nervous to be going somewhere but he went right on to the trailer. Since we had the show on Sunday only a few of the horses went out so he got a chance to make a couple new friends before meeting the whole herd. He met everyone else yesterday. I worked the AM shift so I got to be the one putting the horses out for him to meet. It went well, just the usually squealing while they got used to eachother. Everyone there was so excited about him coming and everyone loves him. It's so nice to finally have him there with me. I'm going to start lessons on him on Wednesday so I'm excited to see how that goes. He's been ridden in the ring a couple of times already and gone over the jumps. He's taken to it very well. I think he goes better in our ring than the one at the other barn. He just felt better to me. So this is my one bright side. I feel like a lot of stuff is falling apart for me right now and that things will never go right but at least I have Lucas with me.


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## KatCashen

Glad that you got to move Lucas Cloer to you.. let us know how the lessons are going!


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## Amba1027

So life is going pretty good at this point. One bad thing but we'll get to that later.

I got pretty much everything I wanted for Christmas. I didn't have a really long list this year, mostly just things to keep me warm for those lang days at the barn. Lots of thigh high socks, long underwear type pants and under shirts. And a team barn jacket (for the adult show team I'm on). It hasn't come yet so I'm still excited for that. Then I got the other two big items on my list: a kindle and a saddle. The kindle is great, though I only have 2 books on it so far. I need to activate my credit card so I can buy books for it, but I've been avoiding activating it so that I can't use it and spend money I don't have lol. The saddle I haven't gotten yet because my grandma just gave me money for one so I can go pick it out myself and make sure it's one that will fit Lucas and everything. My trainer and I are going to a used saddle shop sometime to pick one out. I'm excited for that too. So Christmas was pretty good this year. I also got the sweetest gift from this woman at the barn. She started taking lessons around the time I started working there, always on Wednesday afternoons which during my shift. She is an older woman, coming back to horses after a long time. If she ever needed help getting ready for her lesson I would give her a hand and she would always thank me. On the Wednesday before Christmas I found a gift bag in front of Lucas' stall with a jar of treats and a pair of winter riding gloves. They were from this woman. I thought that was so sweet of her and the next time I saw her I thanked her. The gloves are great because they are a kind that I have and love. My first pair had to be retired this year so I'm on my back up pair and now I have a new back up pair!

I've ridden 4 times in the last 3 days and I feel great about that. I had 2 lessons the other day: my private on Lucas, and team practice. Then I had a make up group lesson the next day, and then yesterday I rode my firend's horse. The private on Lucas went well but not as good as usual. Usually when I go to catch him he runs from me so I chase him til he's decided being caught is the better option. So by the time I get on him he's good and relaxed and doesn't have a boat load of energy. This time, he tried to hide by wedging himself between the fence and another horse. The other horse didn't move so Lucas couldn't go anywhere else and we caught him. So no running all of his energy out before hand. He wasn't bad, just a little more foward than usual. And I was a little more tired than usual on that day, so not a great combination. Still, he did well. Only ran out on one jump. The lessons with him really have been going great. I can see improvements each time in his attitude and ability. It really makes me wish he was 10 years younger. I know he can only go so far this late in life. He's such a good horse, it would be nice if his potential wasn't so limited by his age. I have a video of the lesson that I will post as soon as it finishes uploading (youtube is taking forever). Both group lessons went well. We're working on counting and judging distances, which I am terrible at, so the practice is good. The ride on my friend's horse yesterday was awesome. Ever since I started working at this barn, I have wanted to ride this horse. He is a 4yo pinto National Show Horse/Andalusian named Lucky. I don't know why I've always wanted to ride him, but I figured I would never get the chance because he isn't a lesson horse. Well, his owner (and her husband) are very nice and on the adult team with me so I've gotten to know them and become friends. So recently my other friend and I were house sitting for them and they said we could ride any of their horses while they were away if we wanted. We both had wanted to ride Lucky so we finally got to. He was a lot of fun to ride. He gets confused about were to put his feet sometimes, especially when you ask for the canter, so he'll kick a bit. It's exciting to ride a horse that isn't the perfect lesson horse (even though not all the lesson horses are perfect). Anyway, even though he's a little confused with what you're asking him (and so he kicks and goes in directions you're not telling him to) I really enjoyed riding him. So yesterday while I was at the barn his owner asked if I wanted to ride him. I definitly wanted to ride him again so I did. It was another fun ride. I got to try him over a few jumps, which was a lot of fun. I hope I'll get to ride him again in the future because I really do enjoy him.

Now on to the bad news. Lucas has some sort of tendon injury. My friend was out to ride him on Thursday, so she hopped on him real quick for a half hour in between lessons. I was there for my make up lesson so I didn't get a chance to really talk to her but when my instructor came to start the lesson she said Lucas was hurt. After the lesson I talked to my friend and her mom about it. He's got a little swelling and heat in one spot on his leg. It doesn't look too bad, but I know nothing about tendon/leg injuries. The vet will be out on Monday to take a look at it. I'm trying to get off work so that I can be there to hear what the vet says, but my boss hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm supposed to be signing a new lease agreement for the next 6 months. I told them I want to wait to see what the vet says before I sign it. I hope it's not anythign serious, but I can't be paying $300 a month for a horse I can't ride. Even if I can ride him, if he can't do a lot anymore it's no longer beneficial to me. I feel terrible saying that because I really like Lucas and it seems a little heartless. But all I'm paying for is getting to ride him which is to help me move along in my abilities. And if I can't do that anymore I can't keep paying.

So that's my update. I'll post again after the vet sees him. Cross your fingers for good news.


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## Amba1027

So the vet was out on Monday to look at Lucas and everything turned out pretty well. He's got some inflamation in his check (don't know if that's the right spelling or not) ligament, probably just a strain. He's on 4 weeks stall rest with standing wraps 24/7 for the first 2 weeks and then just at night for the last 2. The good thing about all this is that the vet was able to talk my friend's mom into getting Lucas hock injections. He's always had lameness issues in his back end (since I've known him anyway) and since he's been at my barn I've been told he's never completely sound in the hind. So the vet pointed out that he actually appeared more lame in the back than in his injured front leg. She procceed to explain that the hind end issues probably caused the strain in his front leg from Lucas trying to overcompansate for the pain in back. Through explaining this and how he is really sore back there and a little more discusion, it was finally agreed that he will get injections when the vet comes back in a few weeks to check on him. I'm so happy they're going to have this done for him. He's been so much better since moving to my barn, I can't wait to see how amazing he'll be once he's not in pain anymore. This is one of those times when I wish he was younger. I've been wishing that a lot lately. Things are finally starting to look up for him, but it's just so late in his life. I wish he could've had better earlier on.


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## KatCashen

Hey Glad to hear that Lucas if getting the treatment he needs now!! Give us the progress updates kk!


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## Amba1027

Well, his last day of stall rest was supposed to be today. But his owners don't want to pay to have the vet out again so they are just going to wait til she comes out to do the spring shots for the other horses. I understand that. I think that's in the next week or so, and if they wait for that they can split the farm call fee so it will be cheaper. But, they don't want him out in the snow or mud or anything anymore so even if the vet oks him to no longer be on stall rest, he still won't get to go out. And, not suprisingly, they are backing out of the hock injections. Now, she claims that she just can't afford them right now and will get it done in May or June. But they can't even afford to keep the horse so I don't think they will ever be able to afford the injections. I don't know if she even ever had any intention of getting them done. I figured she had only agreed because she felt pressured with the vet and BO and trainer all there telling her it's what's best for him. 

At this point I don't think I can keep leasing him. I wouldn't feel good riding him knowing how much his hocks are bothering him, and until the vet comes back out I don't even know what is ok to do with him anymore.

Ugh. I am having a terrible day.


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## Amba1027

I am so very tired and stressed right now. My wrist is not getting any better. I'm pretty sure this is going on 2 months now that it's been bothering me this time. Far longer than it's ever lasted before. I'm the only one who thinks this is a problem (well, my friends think it's a problem but they can't do anthing about it). My parents keep saying just give it time it will heal. Well, no actually, it won't heal because in order for tendonitis to heal you have to rest the area completely for 3 weeks, at least. And there is absolutly nothing about my life that will allow me to not use my wrist for 3 weeks. Maybe it would be a little more possible if it were my non dominant hand, but alas this is not the case. Even if it was, that wouldn't allow for complete rest, just slightly more than my right wrist. Someone suggested I get a cortizone shot. I didn;t knwo if that would help or not becasue I thought that was just for arthritis. My sister told me it is for inflamation in general and that it would help with the pain but wouldn't make it heal. Well, 2 things: one, it's cronic tendonitis. It's never going away. It might stop hurting for awhile, but it will always be there just waiting to flare up again. Two, since it will never go away completely and I can't rest to allow it to heal anyway, wouldn't you think the next best option would be to try and make it less painful for me? I think it would be. I think that's a fantastic option. But my parents (who are in charge of whether or not I go to the doctor since it's their insurance and whatnot) think it's fine. Just suck it up and it will go away eventually. It's getting WORSE people!!! As in the opposite of going away!!! So maybe you should help me do something about it before it's too late and I have to have surgery on my freaking wrist!!! Then I will really be screwed.

Apparently Lucas reared in the isle the other day and almost kicked someone in the head. This is because my friend's mom thinks she knows enough to handle him. On a good day this may be true, if Lucas is on his very best behavior. When he has been on more than a month of stall rest, this is not true. He also knows he can get away with things because she can't handle him. He never pulls that crap with me or anyone else at the barn who handles him. Also, my friend's mom decided to call the vet and ask if I could start riding him a bit. I don't know what she said to the vet, but she sure as hell didn't tell her the truth. I got a voice mail from friend's mom saying the vet said I could ride him for 15 mins a day, with a nice long walk to warm up and then I could trot him down the long sides of the arena. Now, last time I talked to friend's mom I told her that I didn't feel any heat in Lucas' leg AT THAT MOMENT. That it had still been a bit warm that morning and the previous day, etc. She asked if she could tell the vet that there was no heat anymore. I said you can tell her that there was no heat Monday evening but that there was some Monday morning and that we don;t know for sure that it will be staying cool as this is the frist time there's been no heat. I think if the vet had gotten all of that info, she wouldn't have ok-ed riding him. I'm going to give the vet a call and ask if that's the info she got and if she still thinks it is fine to ride him. She is coming on the 16th to do spring shots so she will look at him then. I'm not hopeful for a good outcome. There was still quite a bit of heat today.

I need a third job. I don't really want a third job. It's going to be a huge PITA. I'm tired when I finally finish classes and working my two other jobs. Yeah I get home around 3:30-4ish, but I've been up since 6 with absolutly no break. I barely have time to eat. I've got 15 mins between classes so I can eat then. But that's it. I don't have time to go buy food so it has to be whatever I can bring with me. And even though there is a microwave near by, by the time I'm done standing in the line to use it and cook whatever I won't have time to eat it all. And sometimes that line is so long I wouldn't have time to eat at all. I really hate that they made the rule that you can't eat in class anymore. And that teachers are listening to it. So, I have breakfast around 7, then I get whatever I can eat in 15 minutes, and that's it til 3. At the earliest. If I get another job who knows when I'll be able to eat. Of course, I don't necessarily_ need_ another job. But I would really love to show this summer so I would need it for the money to show. I could always not show. But that would suck. I'm really getting into it so I'd llike to be able to keep going. Plus, I really don't make very good money write now. I'll have to do the math and see if I'm even making enough to cover gas. I wouldn't be suprised if I'm not. Life really kind of sucks right now.


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## AislingxXx1234

You've found yourself another fan... 
I've been reading from post one for about an hour now! I hope your wrist manages to feel better (I know, not really possible because it's chronic, but all the same). I hope all works out with money. I'm actaully super impressed with you! School, 2 jobs and a horse! wow! 
Keep your head up, things will get better!


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## Amba1027

AislingxXx1234 said:


> You've found yourself another fan...
> I've been reading from post one for about an hour now! I hope your wrist manages to feel better (I know, not really possible because it's chronic, but all the same). I hope all works out with money. I'm actaully super impressed with you! School, 2 jobs and a horse! wow!
> Keep your head up, things will get better!


Haha thanks! I actually feel like no one reads this and it's just here for me to vent. My life seems pretty boring to me lol. My wrist is doing pretty ok at the moment. I managing without the brace but it's still sore being moved certain ways. I'm learning to work around it.

So, Lucas is leaving. I'm sad to say it didn't really come as a shock. Because that's just the kind of people his owners are. They decide to move him and not tell me and when I do find out, I'm not even suprised. I got to the barn a few weeks ago and my trainer asks if I have anything to tell her (in a way that suggests I should have something to tell her). I said no so she asks if I knew Lucas was being moved. She figured since I hadn't mentioned it, I didn't know. And I didn't. I saw my "friend's" mom later that week and she high-tailed it out of there without saying anything to me. I unfriended my "friend" on facebook and so she messaged me asking if it was because Lucas was moving. Said she didn't know a thing about it, it was all her mom's idea. Blah blah blah. I'm done with it. To much drama and crap that I don't need. In a way, I'm happy this happened. I could see this was going no where good. They gave me an easy out, spared me from having to sit them down and say I wouldn't be leasing him anymore. Anyways, the whole thing is just done. He leaves on Sunday. Although, considering they didn't have the money to move him to my barn in the first place I don't know how they think they're goning to get him out of there... we'll see I guess. He's supposed to be leaving on Sunday.

I'm still in need of a third job. I'm going to be showing wiht my barn this summer and it's expensive so I need another job to pay for it. Truth be told, I need a better paying job than the one that I have, so if I find something better I might just drop the dog walking once I've paid for the shows. It really doesn't pay well enough for what I need. Plus I've gotten 2 tickets since I started working there. It's the area that it's in. They're super ticket-happy. The only tickets I've ever gotten in my life! Very annoying. I hate job hunting...

I had a show this past weekend. I got ribbons in all my classes. In that one show I doubled the amount of ribbons I've gotten for the entire season. So that was good. I don;t have a whole lot to say right now. The big thing was Lucas leaving. And I'm really excited to show this summer. I'm supposed to be writing a paper for class that I have in a few hours. I've been up all night not writing it... Sometimes I really fail at life.


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## Cinder

I read through this whole thread today, so you can count me as another person reading this!


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## Amba1027

Cinder said:


> I read through this whole thread today, so you can count me as another person reading this!


Thanks! It's always nice to know people are interested in what I have to say.

I have been having some really great rides lately. I don't think anything particularly good has been happening... I've just been feeling really good about ridingthis past week. Which is really awesome. I have a lesson tomorrow and I'm so excited for it. Not that I'm not usually excited to ride, but now it's just so much more. A girl I'm friends with at my barn went on vacation this past weel and asked if I would ride her horse for her while she was gone. I was happy to do it. With Lucas leaving I'm only getting to ride twice a week, so any oppurtunity to do more is great. Her horse is pretty fun too. He's a little green but he really wants to be good. I really like him. And every day I rode him I could feel things getting a little better. I know some of it was me getting used to him and figuring him out. I'd ridden him a couple times before in lessons, but it's different when you don't have someone telling you what to do. The last 2 times I rode him we got this beautiful canter going. It's the best I've ever felt him go. I think those rides on him have a lot to do with how good I've been feeling. And I got to ride my favorite horse last night and had a fun lesson with some of my favorite people. I feel like I don't usually post much positive stuff here. But right now I don't have anything negative to say. It's a good feeling!


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## Amba1027

Oh let's see... What has been going on lately...

I dropped all of my classes and am taking the rest of the semester off. I don't really want to go into reasons right now. It's a very emotional subject and I don't feel like crying over it today. So, no school right now. I got another job so that makes 3. I'm considering taking on another but I haven't called the woman back about it so I don't know if I will do that. It would probably be a good idea. I could use the money and then I might be able to drop the dog walking since I am really not enjoying that very much. It seems like it would be an ok job but it is actually very stressful. The dogs need to be walked in a certain time frame so there is no time to sit for a minute and just breathe. It only takes about 3 hours for me to do all my walks but during those 3 hours it's go, go, go and it's extremely tiring. Plus, I have a hard time telling people no, so my boss keeps piling all these new walks on my and I can't tell her I've got enough, I don't want any more walks. So I would really like to be able to quit the walking if at all possible. It would be possible if I persued the possible new job. But I'm having the hardest tiem calling the woman back. I guess the thought of having 4 jobs for any period of time is freaking me out. And I would need to overlap them so there'd be at least a month where I'm working 4. On the plus side, I am working at my vet's office as a receptionist and I'm really enjoying that. It's always interesting because you get different peopel coming in every day. There's also a bit of down time so I can get some reading done which I have not had time to do lately. So that's the situation with work right now.

Some sad news. I am 99% certain that Lucas was put down. I had decided to unfriend his owner on FB since her behavior had shown we clearly weren't friends and I didn't need her drama in my life. But there were some pictures of mine she had commented on before I deleted her so yesterday I clicked on her profile out of curiosity. I wanted to see if she had anything about how Lucas was doing. Well her status from a few days ago was saying good bye to him. There is a very small and unlikely chance that they sold him, but being that it is so small and unlikely, I'm guessing they had him put down. It's sad to know, but they really didn't have any other option. I had been expecting that that might be the outcome of all of this. But still sad.

On another sad note, my best friend's dog had a tumor removed from her face yesterday. There's been no biopsy yet (at least, I haven't heard the results yet) but the vet did not sound at all optomistic. This is a really bad situation. My friend loves that dog so much. They've only had her for about a year (she's only a year old). I told them a while back that they should start saving money in case anything happens to her. She is a Newfoundland so she's likely to have the problems that big dogs do at some point in life. I told them to start saving because one of my dogs died of bloat (we had him put down because it wasn't going to be fixable) and the whole thing was so expensive. My friend doesn't have any savings; she and her bf live paycheck to paycheck. I wanted her to have something put away for Lola in case she bloated or something. Well she didn't listen to me and now they're trying to get donations from people to pay for having to tumor removed. Unless the thing was just some weird benign growth, they aren't going to be able to afford whatever treatment she is going to need. I really hope it turns out to be nothing, but the thing was hard as a rock and based on some brief reseach I did, that means cancer. One of my other friends is also thinking about getting a German Shepard puppy (one of her friend's is trying to sell it to her and her husband) who has the exact same lump on her face. I told my friend to tell the guy he should just give them the puppy because whoever gets her is likely getting some large vet bills so no one is going to be paying him for her (he wants $300 for the puppy). I really hope everything works out ok for both dogs.

Riding is going well still. I've been having really good lessons lately. I got my own saddle. I'm going to be doing more shows this summer. The first one is actually less than 3 weeks away so I'm a little nervous for that. But the winter season went well so I'm trying to think positive thoughts. Not much to say on that front. The picture below is all the ribbons I got for the winter. The champion ribbon is because my barns team got the most points at the finale show so that one wasn't me alone. Not bad for my first ever show season.


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## KatCashen

OMG i cant believe they put lucas downthat really sux .. i wanna punch that mom ..lol poor Lucas ( 4 jobs dear Lord its hard trying to find 1 where i live ..lol seems like your wrist is getting better yes? Nice Ribbons i think it amazing for your first season!!! )


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## Amba1027

Well it certainly has been a while since I've updated this. I go through periods of time where I find it difficult to write. I'm not feeling very up for it at the moment but I feel like my llife might be a little more organized and clear if I write down what's going on.

I'll start with riding because I have the least to say about it. Things have been going pretty well. I've been showing this summer and doing pretty well. Got my first blue ribbon ever last Sunday. I was a little in shock, I didn't really realize they'd called my number at first. Lessons have been kind of iffy. I'll have good days and bad days. My last lesson was really great. The one before that, not so much. I really don't know what is going on. I feel a little like it's luck when I do well, not skill as a rider. Maybe it's just I'm tired and stressed most of the time. I'm spreading myself pretty thin and still being asked for more so I guess it's easy to see why things don't go well very often. But shows are always some of my better rides so that is a plus.

On the subject of being spread thin, I still have three jobs. I only really enjoy one, and I only enjoy it some of the time. I'm not complaining though. I know I'm lucky to have a job I enjoy at all. Still, three part-time jobs is not working out. No one respects my need for time off because I'm only part time at all of my jobs. But if you add all the hours worked at all my jobs it equals full-time. The scheduling is ridiculous. Most days I'm left with an hour here or there that I'm free. Not enough time to actually get anything done because by the time I drive home and get something to eat (if I'm lucky enough to have time to eat) it's time to drive off to another job. 

The only free time I really have is at the end of the day. By then I am exhausted. It's usually around 8. At that point I go to my boyfriend's and have dinner and hang out with him. People think I spend too much time with him, which is another source of stress. Friends have said I stopped hanging out with them to be with him. One, I stopped hanging out with them when I started job number three (which happened around the same time we started dating so I can kind of see how it would look that way). Two, they live about an hour away from me, over an hour from any of my jobs. After working all day and getting off at 8, I don't want to do anything but chill. I don't want to drive for forever and a day to hang out for an hour before whoever I'm with decides they want to go to bed. Then I have to drive an hour back home, go to bed super late, and get up and do it all over again. It's some much easier and stress-free to drive 25 minutes to my boyfriend's place (same amount of time it would take to get home) and relax for a bit before heading to bed. But apparently all of that is hard to understand and therefore I have been labled anti-social and am being viewed as one of those girls who dumps her friends for a guy. I get one day off a week, none if I have a show. I'm sorry it's the one day you aren't avaible to hang out. I've seen my best friend once in the last 2 months. Thankfully she is a true best friend and doesn't give me crap for being busy. And she is happy that I've found someone who makes me happy.

That part kind of went in a different direction than I intended. Back on track. I'm on the job hunt again. I want ONE job. Something full-time. The pay doesn't have to be fantastic so long as they offer benefits. My major concern has always been being able to get insurance when I some day move out. I've kept thinking I was going to continue on with school and that I'd be at home for a while. Now I just want to get out of here. I'm never home because I'm working but for some reason my mom thinks I have all this free time to do stuff for her. She actually laughed the other day when I said I don't have any free time. She wants me to clean my room. Well I work on it but sorry I don't have time to get it done in your time frame. She wants help with stuff. Ok I'm here, lets do it. But no, she doesn't want to right now. We'll do it later. Well guess what? I won't be here later to do it. So I want to do it now. I'll even do it myself. No, no. It's a two person job. I couldn't possibly do it alone. So now it won't get done and I'll get yelled at for not being around to help do it. And when I don't have time to do things for her, it's because I'm with my boyfriend too much. No. I am not coming home from a long day of work, only to do more work for you. So even if I wasn't with him, I would be doing the same stuff anyway. Eating, relaxing, sleeping. I will get things done but it's going to be on my time table because I am busy. 

I need a vacation. I feel like I'm always saying that. But I never get an actual vacation. Sure I get family vacation which is nice and fun and whatnot. But two weeks of painful sleep on crappy hotel mattresses, getting up at the crack of dawn to go hiking and snorkling everyday, living out of a suitcase... this is not anywhere near my definition of relaxing. At this point I'll settle for slightly less stressful. Which is why I want a plain old 9-5 Monday-Friday job.

That's all for now. I was hoping to make a nice cheesecake for my dad for Father's Day but apparently I should be cleaning my room instead.


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## Amba1027

Not sure if anyone still reads this but I have things to say that probably aren't worth starting a thread over. So I shall write them here.

If anyone has seen my most resent thread you know I have recently been on the barn hunt. My old barn has become a really unpleasant place to be. I don't really want to get into any of the reasons why. I'm trying to put that all behind me and start new somewhere else. So I was hunting for a new barn. I checked out my options and found few because of where I'm living. I wanted something 20 miles or less away from me. I found 2 and visited them both. The first was a barn I rode at when I was younger. I had mixed feelings about possibly going back there based on things that happened when I was there before. I was trying to keep an open mind because it is the closest barn to me so I really wanted to like it there. But after visiting I was left feeling like I would have the same issues as before. After a little more searching I found my second option. I visited, had a lesson, and decided that I would sign up for lessons there. I've only had two lessons there so far so I'm still not 100% on how I feel about the place. It's an eventing barn which I am fine with. I've been doing hunters but I don't really prefer one over the other so I have no problem with the switch. Other than that I'm still on the fence about the place. It seems well run, much better than my old barn. But I still don't know. Looking back, I maybe should've signed up for only a month of lessons instead of the 13 week semester. I just didn't think I would find anything else. I searched _a lot_ and hadn't found anything else. I thought this was really my only option. 

Yesterday I text from a friend saying she thinks she found a barn for me. She tells me that woman she works with rides at this barn and really likes it. She tells me the name and that I should google it. It's a place I've heard of but never looked int for several reasons. One of them being that my old trainer sort of bad mouthed the place, which I now realize shouldn't have been a reason. Another reason is that when I did my searches they didn't come up in any of my results so they didn't cross my mind as a potential. I decided to look them up at least so that I could tell my friend I had checked them out. I kind of wish I hadn't because the place looks great. It's closer and cheaper than the barn I am at now and my old barn. And from the website it looks really nice. So now I'm committed to 13 weeks at my current barn when I might want to switch to this other place. I emailed to set up a time to go watch some lessons and see the place. Maybe it won't look as good in person as it does on paper. But I doubt it. On the plus side, since they are so cheap I might be able to afford lessons there while I'm still at the current place.


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## Cinder

Boy oh boy, things sure can't be simple for you can they?

Are you going to go to the new place soon? I hope so because it sounds good and like switching to it eventually would let you have less stress in your life. And though it may not seem like it now and I personally doubt it because of your experience there, your old barn may seem very good suddenly when you're trying to get acclimated to the new place. Don't let the temptation get to you and give yourself time to get situated. 

Also remember to take a day off every now and then. Your body needs rest and a day of regular, filling foods. The world will not stop turning. Your bosses will probably not fire you (come up with an excuse if you need to). I'm not saying this because I'm a rebel and I think it would be fun for you or something like that, I'm saying it because I think it's important for your health, especially for you personally at this time. A day or two off would give your body time to rest up, time to heal, and help you get less frustrated. If you keep going like this nothing is going to change. Take it from someone who knows- one person can only do so much. 

I hope the barn hunt goes well and I hope you get ONE, REGULAR job!!! GOOD LUCK!!!


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## Amba1027

I'm back!!! I know I had a few people following this thread before, but I'm not one to assume I make much of a lasting impression on people, so who knows if anyone really cares lol. But I will update anyway.

So much has changed in my life, which is kind of expected, I guess. I have been gone for over two years. Everything seems to have settled now, so hopefully I can enjoy some regularity in my life FINALLY! Where to begin...

I never did find a barn I liked. Truth be told, I kind of gave up for awhile. I'd try out a place here and there, but nothing really stuck. I know a lot of it is that I'm picky. I keep expecting to find a place that I like as much as my old place. But liking my old place didn't come immediately, and it's hard to remember that sometimes. I go back and forth between things that are more important to me. The two big things are distance from my house, and having an indoor. I know I'll most likely have to give one up for the other, but they are both big things on my list so it's been tough. 

Mainly though, I needed to take a break from riding. I moved out of my parent's house awhile back and it was obviously a new level of responsibility. I really wasn't making the money I needed to be. It was stressing me out, trying to hold on to riding, and I knew I would always come back to it. So I let it go for a bit. It's been tough, but it allowed me the room to breathe and not stress about needing enough jobs to afford gas and groceries and riding. I've missed it, but it was a necessary move to make, and it's helped a lot.

I only have one job now and it's all I need, which is such a nice change of pace. It's another dog walking job, but with a MUCH better company than I was with before. I've been with this company a little over a year and it's been great. I make enough money and I get treated well. I got promoted recently to working in the office, which meant a pay increase and I spend less on gas. So, more money in my pocket! It is such a load off my mind to not constantly feel like I need to be looking for another job. 

My biggest news is that I got married in November!! By far, this is the best thing that has happened to me. My husband is an amazing man and he makes me so happy. A lot of the changes in my life are thanks to him. When I look at my old posts and remember how stressed I was all the time, I can't even believe where I am now. Things are so much better than I ever thought they could be. If anyone wants to see wedding picture I can post some here 

Because life is not perfect, there is a little sadness going on right now. We have a lot of older family pets that haven't been doing well. We've had all of these animals for most of my life. These are the pets I grew up with. In early December we lost one of our 16yo cats, Elsa. We have had her since the day she was born. We also still have her father and brother (her mother passed a few years ago). She'd had a lot of health problems so it was time for her to go. Then, last week, we lost our jack russell Jillie Bean. She was around 14, I think. She'd been having kidney problems for awhile, then she got heart disease, and then started developing a neurological problem. We thought we had a bit more time with her but she had a seizure and passed. My brother loved that dog more than anything. I hadn't seen him cry since he was little and it was heartbreaking. Now, our 13yo greyhound Zoey, has bone cancer. She had an accident a long time ago in which she ruptured a disk in her spine. Because of that she was not 100% in control of her hind legs. She was very mobil for a long time though. She could run better than she could walk, and when she really got going she could jump over things. But things obviously got worse as she's been aging. Last week she stopped using one of her hind legs completely. They (my parents) got her on some meds and it was helping. This past weekend she had an upset stomach so she missed a dose, and in the blink of an eye she'd regressed to the point where she couldn't use either of her hind legs at all. One leg started to swell and the vet found that it had been fractured. Since she couldn't go anywhere on her own, my parents would've known if she'd done anything to fracture it. This led the vet to suggest that it might be cancer. They took her to a specialist yesterday and it was confirmed. The only thing they could do to treat is to amputate the leg, and even then it would only buy her a few months. Adding chemo could buy her a year. It's just not worth it when she won't ever be able to get around on her own again. Her quality of life won't be there. So my parents are having a vet come out to their house in the next few days to put her down. We always knew we'd probably lose a few in a short time because of their ages being so close together, but I don't think any of us were prepared to have 3 go in less than 2 months. We've still got one 16 and one 17 year old cat, but they have been healthy in their old age thus far so hopefully Zoey will be the last for a bit.

Now that I've made you all cry, I'll end on a less depressing note. I'm not riding again yet but I am looking seriously again. Right now I'm waiting to hear back from a place that has both big things on my list: it's close by AND has an indoor. It's actually closer to me than any of the other barns I've looked at. They don't do much advertising so even though I've driven by the place a ton, I never knew they offered lessons. One of my co-worker's daughter's rides there. She said the indoor is pretty small, but I'm not looking to be able to do an 6 fence course in it or anything. I just don't want to have to skip a ton of riding if it decides to rain all summer or something. One interesting thing is that the place is also a dairy farm, so that may take some getting used to. Hopefully I hear back from them soon because I am so ready to be done with this break.


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## Wallaby

Welcome back, friend!! :happydance:


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## Amba1027

Well, I'm having quite a day. Actually, it's more that my husband is having a bad day and it just makes me sad to see him having a rough time. He started out the day with not feeling well, which always sucks, especially when it's the weekend and you just want to enjoy it. His son is with us for the weekend and things were going well but some sort of switch seems to have flipped. He's spent the majority of the evening in tears for one reason or another (my stepson, not my husband). Just when you think he's finally gotten past it, he starts up about something else. I don't think he even knows why he is crying half the time. He's 5 and he goes back and forth between homes. I know it's rough for him. Usually we just ride it out, but I know it's hard on my husband because he just wants his son to be happy and to enjoy being here. Tonight, though, he asked his son if he liked being here. I just cringed when I heard that. Because I knew what he'd say. And he said it. He told his dad he doesn't like it here and that he doesn't want to be here. I attempted to blame it on the fact that he was in the middle of crying fit number six, but you can see how much that hurt my husband. Of course, what parent wouldn't be hurt by their kid saying they didn't like being at their house? But when you are 5 and your parents are divorced and they both treat you with equal amounts of love and kindness, you're prone to favoring the one you spend the most time with. I know my husband doesn't see it that way though. Even if he did, it's still a tough blow for him. He tries so hard every time his son visits, to make it fun, to make him happy, to make him want to be here. But that kid is a mama's boy if I ever saw one, and no amount of anything is going to make him favor being here over his mom's. 

To top it off, the dog peed in the house for who knows what reason. She's 4, so it's not like she isn't housebroken. She'd been out a few hours ago. She just does this occasionally. It's almost as if she's just not in the mood to hold it. She's a greyhound and they aren't very vocal dogs so she's not one to whine if she needs to go out. She will pace sometimes, but tonight I was pretty preoccupied with my stepson so I'm not sure if she'd been pacing. Anyway, she peed, and while I do find it irritating (honestly, tonight I was just happy she chose the hardwood over the carpet; easier clean up) my husband gets pretty upset about it. I don't know why. I guess maybe I'm the unusual one who grew up in a house with 5 dogs and 10 cats. Someone was always peeing, pooping, or vomiting on something. You just groan, clean it up, and move on. Good grief, how have I written this much about the dog peeing?!

I heard back from the barn I'd emailed about lessons. The woman gave me a brief description about everything they offer and the place sounds pretty great! I scheduled myself for lessons. I'll have to wait til the first week of February though. I have a work meeting this week on the day/time we picked. I realized I had the meeting after I sent the email saying when I could do lessons, and of course she asked if that day/time would work (I had given her a list of several days that would work). So I have to wait another week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this ridiculously cold weather calls it quits by then.


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## Amba1027

Ugh, I do not want to go to work!!! It's not that I don't like my job, but I'm a dog walker and it is currently 12 degrees outside. And it snowed again last night. I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir here, since we are all horse people, which means we deal with the outdoors on a regular basis. (As a side note, I am _so_ glad I no longer work at a barn. I miss it, but in this weather... No thank you!) We aren't supposed to keep the dogs out for a long time in weather like this, but I'd really rather be out walking than sitting in strangers houses trying to convince their dogs to play with me. They usually aren't interested so I end up staring at a wall for 15 minutes. Woo. Also, I'm getting really good at feeling motivated to do chores around my house. Which is great, except that now I'm some sort of crazy person who wants to skip work to do laundry and re-arrange her kitchen! 

I guess I can't really be upset about not starting lessons this week because I heard the barn doesn't do lessons if it's below 15 degrees, which it is. I don't think it's supposed to get any warmer either. So I suppose I wouldn't be riding today whether or not I had a meeting. I just want to ride! And I want this cold weather to be over! It doesn't even have to be warm. Just somewhere in the 30s would be nice. I think it's supposed to be in the 40s the next few days which would be lovely. I'm going to be really sad if it's like this again next week and my lesson gets canceled because of the cold. 

I'm taking that coursera Equine Nutrition course someone posted about a bit ago. I haven't learned much so far, which makes me feel good. Apparently I at least have a very basic knowledge of something other than how to ride a horse lol. I also just read an article in Horse Illustrated about the horse digestive system, so that could be part of why this all sounds like stuff I already knew. Either way, I've been worried about my ability to learn/retain knowledge lately so I feel a bit better about it now.


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## Amba1027

I wrote a long post the other day, but it took me too long to post so it disappeared! I forgot that happens on here  Oh well. It wasn't really anything interesting anyway.

I did write about how I wasn't sure what I thought of my new barn. I loved my old barn and I've been comparing every place I try to it. Obviously its going to be tough to find a place that way. I was at my old barn for 2 years. I worked there, I had friends there. It felt like home to me. Even though that changed before I left, I still remember how it was when things were good, and I miss it. So I knew I was being overly critical of new places. I didn't love my old barn at first either. Still, I've not gone back to other barns I've tried because I didn't love them right away. My first lesson there wasn't great, but it wasn't at all the fault of the barn. The instructor was nice and I felt she gave good instruction. The horse was a typical first lesson horse, slow and steady. The kind of horse you put a person on when you don't really know what they can do. I didn't enjoy myself very much though. It was cold and windy and rainy. I was already having a bad back day and since I'm so out of shape, riding just made the pain worse. I was already having a bad day so it wasn't the greatest start. After my lesson I went on a short trail ride around the farm with a girl who was also riding in the ring during my lesson. I'm not big on trail riding. I don't know why, I've just always preferred riding in a ring, so I was fairly indifferent about that. So my first lesson wasn't the greatest. I definitely didn't fall in love with the place, but I told myself I'd keep coming back because I want to ride, I haven't found a place I liked any better, and this barn is only 15 minutes from my house so it's fairly easy to motivate myself to go.

I had to skip my lesson the following week, which I was upset about. I was running late at work and hadn't had a chance to eat so I was starting to feel light-headed (always good when you are going to go ride). Plus the big snow storm was coming in and I still needed to buy a few things in case we got snowed in for a few days (didn't happen, but it's nice to be prepared). So I canceled. I had my second lesson there this past Wednesday and it was a completely different experience. I'm thinking it was mostly because it was so nice outside. There's still a ton of snow everywhere and everything is a muddy mess, but it's getting warm out and that always puts me in a good mood. My ride wasn't the greatest; my back still hurt and I was on a more forward horse so I felt more like a sack of potatoes flopping around than anything, but I know I'll get better. My instructor was telling me that I don't look as bad as I feel and that it's clear I know what I'm supposed to do, it's just hard to get my body to do it since I don't have the right muscles for it anymore. My favorite part though, was the trial ride. I wasn't sure I was going to go (I'm allowed to go after every lesson, it's what they do for a cool down there) but when we left the arena it was so nice out that I thought, what the heck. There is so much more land there than I thought. Everything was so beautiful covered with snow. The sun was setting and there was a nice breeze. It was just me and the horse. I can honestly say I've never experienced anything quite like that before. I loved it. And now I absolutely CAN NOT WAIT for my lesson next week, even though it's supposed to be cold again and it might snow a bit. I think I might just love this place


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## Amba1027

I'm writing this on my phone so it might be a little rough. I might not even post it. Who knows! Anyway, I'm trying to kill time. I had an early walk today and my next one isn't for another hour, so I'm sitting in my car, waiting. 

Not really anything exciting going on for me lately. We went to visit my stepson over the weekend. It was a pretty good visit aside from the awful hotel bed we had to sleep on. My back was killing me! Hopefully I'll be able to make it to the chiropractor today. I haven't been in 2 weeks. Don't ask me why. I have no idea what I've been doing that's been keeping me so busy. 

My lesson last week was pretty frustrating. I rode a well trained dressage horse, which apparently I can't so very well. I couldn't even get her to walk in a straight line! It was crazy! Most of the time I couldn't even tell what I was doing wrong. I'd ask my instructor what was happening, she'd explain what I was doing wrong, I'd fix it, then a couple of steps later I was doing it wrong again! I didn't get to moved past a trot with her since I had major issues getting her moving in a straight line. It made me feel like I'd never been on a horse before. I'm really hoping I get to ride her more so I can figure it out but I'm worried I won't get put on her again since I did so horribly. I guess we'll see what happens this week. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

In other news, I'm going to Disneyland in 26 days! That is super exciting. My husband and I love Disney. We went to Disney World for our honeymoon and it was the greatest trip ever. I've never been to Disneyland though, and my husband hasn't been since he was a kid. We'll also be taking my stepson. It will be his first Disney trip. He's not too excited yet. I think he doesn't really know what to expect, so it's not interesting to him. But it won't be long now and I'm sure he'll have a blast. 

I should probably start doing some work now. I hope the sun decides to come out. It's finally above freezing but it's so cloudy that it doesn't really feel warm 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

I've started writing so many entries on here but I keep stopping in the middle. Then when I come back and finish and hit submit I get the message saying something has expired and everything I wrote gets erased! It's kind of frustrating and I never want to go back and re-write everything.

I am so not happy with my job right now. I wish I could quit and go back to working at a barn, but I wouldn't make enough money doing that. Right now my husband and I are trying to save up to take a few nice trips before we start having kids. We're also trying to save money for when we actually have the kids and for retirement and all that responsible adult stuff. It kind of sucks. Anyway, I'm making more now than I've ever made in my life so it really wouldn't be beneficial for me to leave. I don't even really know that I'm unhappy with my job itself. I think maybe I'm just unhappy because I'm finally back riding again and I want to spend as much time as I can at the barn but since we are doing all this saving, there isn't a lot left to spend on riding. So I can't be at the barn as much as I want. I was thinking maybe I could try and work there part time, but I don't think I could make it work. I have to be pretty flexible with when I'm available for my job, so trying to work in something part time would be pretty difficult. Plus I'm already massively tired when I get home which means I probably wouldn't have the energy to work at the barn. And if I did, I definitely wouldn't have the energy to come home and to all the taking care of the house crap that needs to be done. I really wish I was a kid again sometimes. I am also WAYYYYY out of shape so I might die if I attempted barn work at this point. So many flaws in my plan 

I am going to be "leasing" a horse this month. I say "leasing" because it's a school horse lease. Basically I'm paying a slightly discounted price for one lesson and one free ride a week on my favorite lesson horse. There are privately owned horses that I could lease but I'm not in good enough shape to ride more than twice a week at this point. Plus I really enjoy riding this particular horse. We work well together and I like her personality. So we'll see how this goes. 

I'm off to work now!


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## Wallaby

Amba1027 said:


> I've started writing so many entries on here but I keep stopping in the middle. Then when I come back and finish and hit submit I get the message saying something has expired and everything I wrote gets erased! It's kind of frustrating and I never want to go back and re-write everything.


:hug:

That used to happen to me occasionally so now, before stopping, I'll highlight everything, then "copy" it all [ctrl+c if you're on a PC] so it's "saved" in my laptop's mind, then come back, finish writing, "copy" my finished product [the first "copy" is mostly in case the browser freezes while I'm gone or something like that], and post. That way, if posting doesn't work, I can just "paste" [ctrl+v] my entry back in and not have to rewrite.


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## Amba1027

Wallaby said:


> :hug:
> 
> That used to happen to me occasionally so now, before stopping, I'll highlight everything, then "copy" it all [ctrl+c if you're on a PC] so it's "saved" in my laptop's mind, then come back, finish writing, "copy" my finished product [the first "copy" is mostly in case the browser freezes while I'm gone or something like that], and post. That way, if posting doesn't work, I can just "paste" [ctrl+v] my entry back in and not have to rewrite.


Yeah, I used to be in the habit of doing that but I guess I was away so long I've forgotten!


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## Amba1027

I've been having a crapy week and it's only Tuesday. This does not bode well for the rest of the week.

At work, yet another person has quit. I know I was complaining a bit about my job in my last post, but it really is a nice place to work. I think this is the 5th or 6th person to quit in the last month or so. I really don't understand it. It's like the second you try to correct someone for doing something wrong, they freak out and quit. How do people survive like this!?! I've put up with SO much crap at previous jobs because finding a new job is not easy and, last I checked, people need money for life and whatnot. So I really do not get how people can go through all the trouble of applying and interviewing and training, only to quit a month later because someone said to them, "Hey, you did <insert thing they did here>, but we don't do that/that was wrong/etc. Please don't do it again, thanks." So anyway, we are short handed again/still. Anyone in Maryland looking for a job?

The horse I was going to lease turned up lame at my lesson last week. My instructor said she'd let me know how she was doing over the weekend. As of yesterday she is still lame. The farrier is going to look at her today, as she is prone to hoof problems :/ I have a feeling I'm going to have to find another horse I like to lease. Or maybe I'll just skip the lease this month. I don't want to, but my van needs a new radiator, which is $600. And I just bought a few pairs of new riding pants for the summer and we all know how much those suckers cost. So maybe I will just try and work out more at home this month and start a lease next month. I was hoping to maybe do a few shows this summer but I'm not sure that will happen. Besides, it's only May and it hit 90 today. Too hot. I'm not looking forward to summer.

One bright spot was Mother's Day. My husband got me a card. A "You're an awesome mom" card. Even though I'm only a step mom. He said he thinks that counts. And that means so SO much to me, because not a lot of people think it counts. And it means so much to me that he thinks I'm a good "mom" to his son.


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## Amba1027

The horse I wanted to lease (Tess) is still lame. The vet and farrier have looked at her. She was having some other issue with that hoof (I'm not really sure what) so she had a special shoe on. Everyone thinks it's an abscess but the farrier is going to try her in a different she and see how that goes. In the mean time I paid for 2 rides a week for the rest of the month. My instructor told me I can ride either of the 2 other horses I've ridden in previous lessons until Tess is better. I guess we'll see how this goes. My goal at this point is really just to ride more so I can get in better shape. 

I missed my lesson on Wednesday due to being stuck at work. I also wasn't feeling too great so I guess it was for the best. I was able to reschedule for yesterday. It was an ok lesson. I got to jump again. The horse I was riding didn't have nearly as much "go" as Tess. I really had to ride him right to the fence, which was really difficult with my legs swinging around as much as they were. Being out of shape is the worst. Anyway, the horse (Cloud) ran out a bunch of times. I know it was my fault. Not being in shape enough to really use my legs correctly, being nervous that I would fall off due to being out of shape, and being nervous because they were 2' verticals and it was only the second time I've jumped since I started riding again, all made for a not-so-great time. I really like Cloud though. I rode him for my first lesson at my barn and my first impression was that he was a pokey old thing (because that's what they put you on when you're new to a barn). But he really made me work for it yesterday, and even though it was really tough it was definitely a learning lesson. He's one of the horses I'll ride til Tess is better. I hope I can jump him again at next weeks lesson.

In other news, I saw Lucas' owner at the barn yesterday. If anyone is new to reading this (or really if anyone is reading it in general) I leased a horse named Lucas a few years ago. His owner and I had worked together and been friends, but while I was leasing him he ended up lame and things went south. We haven't spoken since that whole thing went down so seeing her yesterday was a bit awkward. Apparently she boarded Lucas at the barn I ride at now after she moved him out of my old barn. She told me he colicked in 2012 and they had to put him down. We kind of awkwardly apologized to each other for everything that went down. I guess I'll see her occasionally when she visits the barn.

Guess that's it for now!


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## Wallaby

Sorry to hear about Lucas! :hug:


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## Amba1027

Thanks Emily  

I actually did some facebook stalking a while back and had seen her post something about his death, so I've known for a while. I never knew any of the details or anything, but I knew he was gone and mourned his passing at that point. 

It's kind of crazy though. I tried at least 5 different barns after I left my old one. I finally settled in this one, and it just so happens to be the place Lucas ended up for his last year of life. And, I usually ride on Wednesdays but I couldn't this past week. My instructor had offered me the option of two different times to make it up. One was Thursday at 5, which I wanted to go with but couldn't because we had a guy coming to the house for something. So I went with Friday at 7, which ends up being when Lucas' owner is dropping by for a visit. How does that even happen?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

So I fell off again on Wednesday. I was riding a new-to-me horse and we were doing some jumping. He refused one and I wasn't expecting it so off I went. Luckily I landed on my feet so no real injuries. I was still pretty sore the next day and I seem to have done something to my right shoulder. I don't know if it's related to the fall or not but it HURTS. I don't know what's up with my riding lately. I haven't fallen off this much since I was a kid. Maybe I'm just so out of shape that I don't have a good enough seat to stay on like I used to. I'm hoping to fix that soon though. I rode again today but on my own. No lesson. We'll see if riding twice a week helps any.

Tess is still lame. When I was done riding I saw my instructor talking to the farrier about her. She had been looking a lot better so they had someone hop on her yesterday and now she's worse again. They are going to have the vet out again to look at her. I'm thinking I might not get to lease her after all. I'm not super attached to her or anything. She's my first favorite horse at this barn but I'm starting to like some of the other ones. I really like the one I rode on Wednesday (Stormy). I rode him again today. Apparently I tend to go for the horses that dump me, hahaha. Stormy is privately owned but I think my instructor said he's available for lease so maybe I can see about switching to a private lease if it's not too much. We'll see how things go I guess.

My boss dropped a bit of a bomb on me today. I might lose my job in the office. I case I've never explained what my job is on here, I'll give a brief background. I worl for a dog walking company. I started out as a dog walker about 1 1/2 years ago. August of last year my boss sent out an email saying she was looking for a second office person. There's already one woman who works in the office creating our schedules, contacting clients for various things, just kind of overall running the back-end of things but we've grown so much that another person was needed. I ended up getting the position and started in November. It's been a bit rocky because my boss has had some trouble finding someone to replace me as a dog walker so I've been half in the office and half doing walks. I get paid more to be in the office and use less gas so it's been a good change at a good time in my life for it to happen. Now today I was told that my boss may no longer be able to afford to have me in the office. She said she can put me back into walks full-time if this definitely does happen, but that would really be a step backwards for me and I just can't do that at this point. Really, I probably would've been looking for a new job if I hadn't been put in the office. There's not really any room for growth in being a dog walker and at this point I need that. I really don't want to have to leave my job because my boss is great and it's a good company, but it's not going to be enough if I'm not in the office anymore. The good news is my cousin has been looking to hire someone at his company and he said he could give me some work even if I just wanted to use it as a transitional job while I look for something more permanent. That is such a relief to me because I have SUCH a hard time finding jobs. So it's good to know I have that option.


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## Amba1027

I'm giving my boss my 2 weeks notice today. She told me on Friday that she couldn't keep me in the office anymore. I told her I would be leaving as the money I make from just doing walks is not enough, but since I did not have another job lined up yet I didn't quit at that point. I was having dinner at my parent's house last night and they offered me a job helping them out around the house. They have a lot of stuff that needs to be done so there's enough work there to keep me busy for a while, and they will pay me well. My husband said he was on board with it as long as it was what I wanted to do, and I would be happy doing it. Honestly, this is such a relief. I get stressed easily and even though I think I handle it well, it still sucks to feel it all of the time. But with this I won't be stressed. Added bonus: My grandmother lives with my parents now because she can't live alone anymore. She probably doesn't have too terribly long left, which sucks. I've been having dinner there at least once a week to spend time with her, but I know that no matter how much time I spend with her, it won't have felt like enough once she's gone. I'll get to see her every day now, so even if it still doesn't feel like enough it'll be as close as I could've gotten.

I'm stressing about giving my notice though. I feel bad. So many people have quit lately and I know it is hard for my boss to find good employees. I'm one of the good ones and I know my leaving will make things harder for her. Even thought I know that I can't stay, I hate that it's going to negatively impact her. I'm bad with this sort of thing to begin with so the fact that I like my boss makes it harder. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is going to be so much better for me. I'm sorry it's going to be tough for her, but my life comes first for me.

I'm also hoping I can maybe start working at the barn a little bit. I'll be making my own hours at my parents so I might be able to work the barn in. I wan't to do something because I've been riding a privately owned horse who is available for lease. I would get to ride pretty much every day and I love this horse. But it's $300 a month and I'd have to pay for lessons on top of that, which we can't afford so if I could work a few days a week at the barn to pay off my lessons I might be able to... I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. I should probably see how the next few weeks go first.


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## Amba1027

Wednesday is my last day of work, which is a relief. It kind of feels like I'm waiting for school to be out for the summer. I'll miss all of my dogs and I'm sad that I'll probably never see them again, but I know it's time to go. 

We picked up my stepson on Friday. He'll be going back to his mom for a couple of days in July because she wanted to take him on a birthday trip, but then he'll be back with us for the rest of the summer. We've been trying to find some summer activities for him but he's not very agreeable to trying things. We want him to take swimming lessons but when we brought it up to him he said no because he's scared. He's got a weird thing about water getting in his face. Totally freaks out. I think he should learn to swim regardless, but even more so to maybe help him get past his fear of water in his face. So I at least want to go through with that one, even if he doesn't want to do it. We also suggested gymnastics to him, which resulted in him running out of the room screaming that only girls do that. I, of course, would like him to try riding lessons, but he said he's afraid to get on a horse. He want's to watch me ride though. There is a little girl who has her lesson after mine so I'm kind of hoping that if he someone around his age riding he might want to try it. I asked him about doing basketball or soccer to which he said they were too hard. He said the only sport he likes is football. I'm not really sure there's any football for 5 year olds around here. So the search continues.

Not much new on the riding front. I think my instructor worked something out with Stormy's owner so that I can lease him under the lesson horse lease agreement. His owner emailed me recently asking if there was a specific day of the week I wanted to do my practice ride, so that's why I am guessing they've spoken about it. Nothing really new though. I've been having trouble getting out there since I've been back walking, even though I've had some days off. I don;t really know why that's been the case, but I'm hoping that will end once I'm working at my parents' house. 

I'm going to hold off on seeing if I can work at the barn for now. I'm way less tolerant of the heat than I used to be so the idea of working outside all summer is pretty unappealing at this point. I've spent the last 5 years working outside and I really don't enjoy that aspect of it. I'll give myself a break from it for a few months and see how I feel later. Plus, I have something else I want to get involved in that I'm thinking I may have to work for. For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a ballet dancer. I took classes when I was very little but stopped before very long. I don't even remember taking classes, but I very vividly remember my desire to be a ballerina. That desire never really went away, it just kind of got buried and a little but forgotten. It comes to the surface occasionally and I get the urge to do something about it. I did try taking a class at some point last year, and I really enjoyed it. But my being out of shape and the fact that I'm not at all flexible got me discouraged, as did the fact that I was in the middle of wedding planning and really didn't have time to add something new into my life. Now that things are pretty much settled down and I'm back to riding regularly I'd like to give it another shot. I found a place near my parents house that will allow me to work off classes, which would be great because I'd like to not spend more money on things at this point. I'm going to go check it out soon, I think.

A kind of neat thing that happened recently: I found out our next door neighbor is a horse person! I was outside in my half chaps and boots and all one day and she was driving past our house and stopped to ask if I ride. We got to talking and it turns out she used to be a trainer when she and her husband lived in England, which is pretty awesome in my book. Anyway, she hasn't been riding recently but is looking to get back into it so she was asking about my barn. She's going to come watch one of my lessons sometime soon to see if she'd like to start riding there too. Pretty cool happenings.


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## Amba1027

My husband and I just overcame a huge obstacle with my stepson. I mentioned in my last post that he has issues with getting water on his face. Specifically, he is afraid the water will get in his eyes and that it will hurt. This has produced a lot of drama at bath time in the past. Recently his mother had him start taking showers (instead of baths) and bought him a pair of goggles to wear so the water won't get in his eyes. Honestly, I think that was the worst idea ever. Instead of continuing to work with him on getting water in his face without freaking out, she basically just slapped a band-aide on the problem and I guess is crossing her fingers that he'll get over it by the time he starts needing to wash his face. Anyway, he got these goggles and I don't agree at all with this plan and my husband doesn't really either but we hadn't discussed doing anything about it yet. So stepson is taking his shower with his goggles and whatnot and my husband decides to try and work on the water-in-the-face thing. He's making some progress but stepson is still freaking out a bit. I went into the bathroom and asked if he'd like to watch while I sprayed water on my face so he could see that nothing bad would happen. He agreed, so my husband sprayed water on my face. And it worked! He was still a little nervous, but he stood still and let us spray water on his face without screaming or crying or panicking! It was such a break through for him and I am so happy we were able to do this  I'm kicking myself for not thinking of the having him watch someone else get sprayed in the face thing sooner. It's such a simple and seemingly obvious idea. Oh well, it worked and hopefully it will stick for next time. And hopefully he'll be a little less scared for learning to swim now.

I got to ride yesterday and today, and I still have my practice ride left for this week. Yay so much riding! Although my lesson today kind of sucked. My asthma was giving me trouble so I had to keep stopping to catch my breath. I ended up stopping a bit early since my instructor was concerned, which was probably the best call. My stepson really wants to see me ride so I'm thinking we'll do that this weekend.


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## Amba1027

I can't sleep. I don't know why. I think might be having some anxiety issues. I decided to contact the woman who owns the horse I had as a teenager. I've thought about doing this so many times in the past but I worried that she might think I was one of those crazy pushy people who think they have rights to a horse just because they used to own it. Plus I'm socially awkward to begin with so I just always pushed the urge to contact her aside. We've got sown mutual facebook friends so I would occasionally see things from her profile that my friends had likes or whatnot. This happened again yesterday and I finally just decided to say something. She replied and said she has been wanting to talk to me for years because she's curious about her jorse's background. That made me feel so much better because she is clearly not worried I'm a crazy person haha. Anyway, I wrote her a fairly long message about when Lola was mine. She had also said to let her know if is like to come visit Lola. I told her I would love that so we shall see if something actually gets set up. I'm afraid I might cry at seeing her again though. Is totally look like a nut then. It's been about ten years since I sold her. I'm not sure why this feels so important. I've known for a while that she's been in a good home so it's not like I've been worries about where she ended up. Maybe I just never got closure. Selling her was so hard that I don't think I ever said goodbye to her. I know I wasn't there when she was picked up from the barn. I remember going to the barn once after I knew for sure I was selling her but I don't think I really said goodbye. I guess maybe I've just always been hoping to get another chance to say it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

Holy typos, batman! Gotta love posting from the phone lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wallaby

GO SEE HER. And, if possible, TAKE PICTURES FOR US! 

I'm stoked that her owner is nice!!


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## Amba1027

Don't worry Emily, I will!! I can't even believe this is happening though. The newest development is that I could possibly get to lease her! I can't quite afford what her owner is asking for and I'm kind of being a wuss on asking if she might take a bit less. I hate asking people these things because I feel like people just think you are trying to get a good deal out of them, which is not at all what I'm doing. I would gladly pay what she's asking if I could afford it. Anyway, I'm putting off asking because if it doesn't work out then I'll be pretty sad so I just want to hold on to this happy, it's-a-possibility feeling a bit longer. GAH!!! So HAPPY!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

Best news EVER! Lola's owner said that as long as Lola and I still get along that the amount I can pay will work!! I'm going Sunday evening to ride her  I am so excited, words cannot describe. Now we just have to see if we are still a good fit. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't let my feelings get in the way when I go to ride her. I have to be totally honest with myself about whether or not I feel like we are a good match. I know I'm going to be tempted to say I don't care what happens, I'm going to lease her anyway, but that's probably not the best thing to do. So I just have to keep my fingers crossed that I remember how to ride her well.

If I do end up leasing her I won't be able to afford to continue with lessons at the barn I'm at now. I'm a bit sad about that because I do really like the place and I've enjoyed being there. The people are nice, the horses are nice, they've got a wonderful property. This chance with Lola won't be around forever though so I'd rather take in than stay where I'm at. 

I realized that I've actually taken a lesson at the barn Lola is at. I'm guessing she might actually have been there when I took that lesson. I probably would've fainted if I'd seen her that day. Anyway, I really like the barn and was seriously considering continuing to go there, but they don't have an indoor and I was being super picky at that point. 

I don't think I've ever told the story of what happened with me and Lola on here. I got her when I was 14 so it was long before I was a member on here (heck, the forum might not have existed back then!) and it's kind of painful for me to think about so I don't talk about it often. These last few days have been a major emotional roller coaster for me. I'm so happy about hearing how she's doing and getting to see her again but remembering everything that happened has been rough. I think I will post the full story in the next few days and maybe some pictures from when I go to see her. That's Lola in my avatar, by the way. Anyway, here's hoping things go really well on Sunday!


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## Amba1027

I just wrote a whole post about how I'm panicking about going to try Lola tonight. I feel zero percent better. I was hoping writing it down would help get it out. Nope. Guess I'll just have to try and distract myself for the rest of the day. 

I do have a project I have been meaning to get started on but I'm too busy panicking to get started on it. I'm going to force myself to get to work in a minute, hopefully. I like to make jewelry and various other things, which I have always intended on selling. I've made a few minimum effort attempts, but now that I am basically unemployed I figured it'd be a good time to really go for it. I don't like the idea of having to spend money to make money, but at this point I've already got a ton of stuff. It would take me a long time to use it all up, and if I can actually succeed in selling the stuff I could make a fair amount I think. I've got quite a few pieces made already. I just need to get some good photos to use when listing them, which is what I am hoping to get done today. That is, if I can get myself to calm down enough to focus on it.

Of course, this is something else I'm anxious about doing. I'd love to be able to make a living staying at home all day and making pretty things. There's a big chance it won't work out because I'm not the best business woman and the is such a vast availability for all this handmade stuff these days. At this point, I can afford to keep things cheap. I bought all my supplies so long ago that I have no idea how much they cost. I'm not in that "I need to make my money back plus profit" place at this point. But if things sell and I want to attempt to sustain it I'll need to really figure out if I can make enough to buy more supplies and make a profit. Plus I'd need money for marketing. Ugh. I no longer have a stressful job so I sit here and stress myself out about anything and everything else.


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## Wallaby

HOW DID IT GO?! I'm kind of a lot freaking out with anticipation!! :happydance:


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## Amba1027

Wallaby said:


> HOW DID IT GO?! I'm kind of a lot freaking out with anticipation!! :happydance:


It went wonderfully!! I'll post more about it later (and some pictures). I'm getting ready to take one of my cats to the vet at the moment.


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## Amba1027

The story of me and Lola - Part One:

I started riding when I was 10. My parents picked a barn that was run by a family that they knew. It didn't have a large lesson program (it was mostly a boarding/breeding operation) but it was enough for little beginner me. I liked my instructor a lot, so when she left to go to a new barn, I followed. I rode at barn #2 for a short time before leaving (I don't recall why). Barn #3 was quite a large operation (one of those places with "Horse Center" as part of the name). I liked it and thought it was a pretty nice place. I rode there for a while, taking lessons from the various instructors that passed through and from the owner as well. I volunteered there sometimes, in hopes of learning more about horses and their care.

For my 12th birthday, my parents bought me a pony. He wasn't well trained and we ended up not being a good match, so we sold him to a classmate of mine who had horses and had been riding since birth. I continued on at barn #3 with the latest instructor, who we will call T. 

T and his wife were very friendly and well liked at the barn. I enjoyed my lessons with him and thought he was a great instructor. The other girls in my group lesson thought so too. Shortly before my 14th birthday, my parents asked T to help find a horse for me. Since things hadn't gone well with the pony they thought they'd enlist the help of a professional this time around. T found a horse for me to try out at a farm where some friends of his had horses for sale. He took me there one day to try the horse out. That horse was Lola. She was a 3yo thoroughbred, but she didn't act it at all. She was wonderfully trained and I was told she was taking inexperienced riders through courses and winning ribbons. She was a perfect angel when I rode her that day. I fell in love. I told my parents I wanted her and we arranged for me to ride her again so my parents could be there and she what they thought. The people who owned her hauled her to a show for my next ride (I didn't actually show her, it was just a good meeting place since they were showing some other horses). It gave me a chance to see how she did in an unfamiliar setting, amidst the hustle and bustle of a show. Lola did wonderfully again. My mom had some reservations about getting me a 3 year old horse (she wanted something older), but after seeing how well behaved Lola was she thought it might be ok.

A few days later my parents told me that they couldn't reach an agreement on price, so we wouldn't be able to get Lola. I was heartbroken. I tried to get over it and told myself that if it was meant to be it would've worked out. At my next lesson T told me that his friends had another horse for me to try out that weekend. Saturday was my birthday and I thought trying out a horse would be a great way to spend it. My parents agreed I could go, so on my birthday we made the trip to the sale barn again. We arrived and I was shown the horse I was supposed to be trying out. The trainer told me if I didn't like that horse, he had one more for me to try. He directed me to a stall at the back of the barn. I went over to look, and there was Lola with a big red bow around her neck. 

---

I'll continue with our history in my next post. 

As for how riding her this past weekend went, it was great. Lola's owner and I spent a long time chatting, and she is just as nice in person as she has been in her messages. It was so good to see Lola again. She didn't give any indication of remembering me, but that wasn't really surprising. The girl who has been riding Lola got on her first to warm her up and let me see how she goes. She still has some of the behaviors she did when I had her. Then I got on her and rode her around a bit. It was wonderful. I forgot how smooth her gaits are. Her owner has gotten all of Lola's issues worked out over the years, so she no longer rushes around the ring like I remember, which is great to see. She's actually a little bit pokey now  Her owner said we looked great together. I'm going to ride her again sometime this week and then we will discuss the lease further 

Some pictures! The first two are from the day I got her, and the second two are from this weekend


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## Wallaby

1. She is SO CUTE.
2. You look SO HAPPY!
3. I'm so happy for you that you got to see her, ride her, and have a wonderful time with her!! 

:happydance:

I hope the lease works out.


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## Amba1027

Thanks Emily! I hope it works out too. I really was so happy to ride her  

I should be going out tomorrow evening to ride Lola again and talk things over with her owner. We were going to do Thursday but you know how life goes. So we moved it to Sunday again. I'm hoping everything will work out. At this point I'm thinking it may be an issue that I won't really be able to afford lessons if I lease her. The girl who rides her now does most of the morning shifts at the barn and since she is leaving in the next few months, they will need someone to replace her. If Lola's owner wants me to take lessons I suppose I could take a morning shift or two to pay for them. But at this point I'm really not into the idea of working at a barn again. There are time when I really miss it, but right now when it is so humid outside that it's hard to breathe? Don't miss the working outside so much :/ Plus, I'm not so much a fan of having a job that you MUST show up to, no matter what. And if you absolutely can't show up you have to find someone to cover for you. I've had those types of jobs for pretty much my entire working life. Now that I don't, I'm not sure I want to go back to it. I don't know... I guess if I just did one day I'd be fine. The girl was saying she does five mornings a week and that is enough to pay for her lessons and get a pay check. I think I may talk to her about it more... I'm really torn on that one.

I'm not really ready to write more and the history on me and Lola. The rest of the story is all pretty much a crap fest, and I just haven't wanted to write it out yet.

My lesson on Wednesday was tough. It's harder in the heat and my asthma seems to be worse lately. I was working on jumping a bounce (which I'm not sure I've ever actually done before) and I couldn't get Stormy to lengthen his stride enough to actually do the bounce correctly. He was always able to squeeze a stride in there :/ I really felt like a failure when this other girl in the ring came up to me and said she had just started jumping too and wanted to give me pointers. Now, I'm all for getting advice, even if someone is less experienced than I am. Sometimes we forget the basics that we learn in the beginning. The thing that got me was the "just started jumping _too_". TOO??? You think I _just_ started jumping?? How terrible did I look?!? 

Ugh. That was a bit of a blow to the ol' self esteem there. I know I'm having more trouble getting back into shape this time. I gained a lot of weight during this break from riding and I think that is part of what is making it difficult for me to get back to where I was. I can't figure out how to use my body correctly because it's different now and it gets tired WAY more easily than before. I've never had to work at being in shape before so I'm a bit miffed that I have to now. It kind of deters me from actually working out or anything because I know progress will be slow, and that really bugs me! But if I don't do _something_ I'll be like this forever. I need to put up some of those recent pictures of me riding Lola around the house. I cringe when I look at those. Good motivation to work out!


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## Amba1027

I just sent a message to Lola's owner. My second ride went amazingly and she said she would definitely feel comfortable with me leasing Lola. I wussed out on telling her I wouldn't really be able to afford lessons. Instead, I asked if she could find out any info on the working student program so that I could maybe work off lessons. She got back to me a couple days ago. It takes 2 shifts to pay off a lesson and the girl who currently works there said it take 3-4 hours to get everything done. I was really hoping I could make that work, but I can't. I work 8-2 at my current job so by the time I finished at the barn, showered, and got to work I'd only have 3 hours left. I work for my parents so I could technically do this, but that's two days a week I'm only working 3 hours. I can't afford to lose that much pay a week. At that point I might as well just pay out of pocket. Plus, I honestly do think that previous job stress was taking a toll on my health, so I want to continue to be as stress-free as possible for a while. Anyway, I messaged her and told her I thought the best I could swing is doing one lesson a month. I'm fully prepared for her to tell me that won't work and that she needs someone who can get weekly lessons. I told her I completely understand if that's the case. So now we wait and see what she says.

This whole thing is really fueling me to work on trying to get my own business up and running. I've gotten a shop up and running but I only have a few things in there. I've got a lot of items photographed and ready to add but I suck at writing good descriptions so I'm putting it off til I'm in a good writing mood. I know it's not likely that I'll make a lot of money doing this, but some people do. So I keep hoping I'll be one of those people, and then I'll be able to afford leasing and lessons.


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## Amba1027

AHHH!!! She said one lesson a month should be fine!!! The barn requires at least that so we will do that this month and see how it goes. You should prepare yourself for many riding critique threads from me. I soooo want to make this work and I would definitely be taking more lessons if I could so I'll do what I can to make up for it.


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## Wallaby

*love love love love love!!!!


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## Amba1027

So I suck at updating lol. Life got kind of crazy for a bit and every time I would sit down to write, I didn't have time to finish so I'd just delete what I wrote. I'll try and keep this short-ish.

I officially started leasing Lola!! I was supposed to start August 1st, but there was a miscommunication so it ended up starting the last week of August. I don't really mind the delay, I'm just so happy to have Lola back in my life. And honestly, the delayed start probably worked more in my favor. My step son was still here in August, and my father-in-law was here to visit for a bit. Things got really crazy so I didn't have much free time for riding anyway. Things are a bit more settled now, but I've still only gotten a few rides in so far. I think things will still be kind of crazy for another week or so. After that, hopefully I'll be able to settle in to a schedule.

I've ridden Lola a couple of times so far and she's been mostly good. She gets a bit cranky when you move into the trot or canter. She works out of it, but it takes a few minutes. She doesn't really do anything "bad", she just pins her ears and sometimes gives you a really short, hopping gate. The other day it was almost like she was catering sideways and barely moving forward. She got over after a minute though, and it was smooth sailing from there. I've scheduled my lesson for the month. It's on the 10th. I'm pretty excited for that because I really don't know what I should be working on. I know the girl who was riding Lola before was very talented and did a few clinics before she left, which got Lola really solid. I'm no where near that girl's level though, so I don't know what I should be doing. 

I'm hoping to get to ride today but the weather isn't looking so great at this point. It's supposed to storm for the rest of the week, which really sucks. I didn't get to ride over the holiday weekend because my husband and I went to visit my step son. He started first grade yesterday and we wanted to be there for his first day of school so we went down to VA and just got back yesterday. On Friday I have to have a mole removed which should be very minor. Unfortunately, it's in an area that will make it painful to ride... so we'll have to wait and see how long that puts me out. In short, this week may be shot for riding, which sucks 

My health has hit a not-so-great point once again. Have to get that thing removed, which isn't a huge deal, but it's just one more thing on the list. Plus I'm just plain old not looking forward to that. My cholesterol is really high. That's not news to me, but my old doctor wasn't doing squat about it. Now that I have a new doctor it's going to be addressed. Weird things are happening with my heart. I've been having palpitations every once in a while. I had an echo done a few weeks ago. I was told I'd have the results in a week (at most) but still haven't heard back). I had another appointment last week so I asked about the results. My doctor's office hasn't heard from the office that is looking at my echo... so I don't know if that's good or bad... I had more blood work done at that appointment. My doctor is trying to figure out why I'm so tired all the time. It's really bad. I get 7 1/2-8 hours of sleep every night. I wake up feeling like I must have slept well. I don't recall tossing and turning or waking up frequently. Yet it is extremely hard for me to wake up in the morning, and throughout the day I feel as though I'm about to fall asleep at any moment. I had blood work done a month ago to rule some things out, and now more blood work. I'm also going to be scheduling a sleep study, which I really don't want to do. My doctor seems to think I may have sleep apnea, though I find that highly unlikely since I've never had a snoring issue. Anyway, I'm not looking forward to the study. I don't sleep well in strange places and most mattresses make my back hurt more than usual, which will greatly effect how I sleep. But whatever. I'll get it done and see what they say. 

The biggest thing I'm waiting on right now is the results for one of the blood tests that's being done. It's a bit of a long story on this one. When I was a teenager, something started happening to my hands when I would shower. I used to describe it as extreme pruning, but that's not the most accurate way. My hands would turn white and looked almost... clumpy? Like, it looked like my skin was breaking apart into little chunks that might fall off if I messed with them. And it was painful. They felt swollen and burning and itchy and painful. I started showering with latex gloves rubber banded shut around my wrists to keep my hands from getting wet. It was the only way I could get through a shower without my hands hurting like crazy. My mom took me to see my doctor but the receptionists told her to not bother making an appointment because it was something a dermatologist needed to look at. She looked for a dermatologist for a bit but gave up eventually (I don't remember what the issue was with finding one). Eventually I discovered that whatever was happening to my hands had stopped. Every once in a while it would flare up. We thought maybe I was allergic to something in the shampoo I was using, but after a while of it coming and going and constantly switching shampoos, that clearly wasn't the case. I tried bringing it up to my doctor again a few years ago. He brushed it off saying that everyones body reacts to things differently and that was just the way my hands react to water (this is one of the reasons I found a new doctor). My hands had been fine for a while, but about a month ago it started happening again. I don't know if I'd tried to look this up on the internet in the past and had been unsuccessful or what, but I was fed up with it one night so I turned to google. What I found was not good. It's called aquagenic wrinkling of the palms (AWP) and it's very rare. The actual hand thing itself isn't a problem. There's some sort of antiperspirant thing you can use to stop it from happening. The not good part is that AWP is an indicator of Cystic Fibrosis. When I first read that I was shocked. I thought I'd read the page wrong. Then I thought, Well that can't be the case with me. People with CF know they have it. They are really sick and are in and out of hospitals their whole childhood. There's no way I could have CF. But part of me was afraid that all that might not be true, so I did some research on CF. Turns out you can be well into adulthood before knowing you have it. Often adults that are diagnosed had issues with asthma, allergies, chronic bronchitis, and other related issues, which I have. I also found out that all of the stomach and digestive issues that I wrote about a few years ago (the things I never got answers about) are all symptoms of CF. I was really freaked out after learning all this. It's been a little over a month since I made this discovery and it's become easier to forget about it. I mean, I've gotten this far without being hospitalized because my lungs are attempting to drown themselves, so even if I do have CF, hopefully I'll get to live a long and happy life. Regardless, I brought up the issue with my hands to may doctor last week. She seemed confused by what I was saying, but she ordered the blood test for CF. So now I wait.

I'll end with some happy news. My cousin's wife is giving birth today! She has a scheduled c-section for today, so there will be a new little baby in my family. It's a girl, which makes me happy because my sister and I are the only girls of all the cousins so it will be nice to have another female around. I can't wait to find out what they are going to name her and I can't wait to meet her! And I am happy that my grandmother is still with us, so she will get to meet her second great-grandchild (they already have a little boy). It's all very exciting 

And some Lola pictures!!


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## Amba1027

And of course they are sideways. I don't even know how to fix that...


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## Amba1027

Well, I failed at riding this past week. My allergies were driving me nuts on Wednesday, and since I sometimes have a reaction after grooming Lola, I thought it'd be better to not go. Of course, I might have just dealt with it if is known I wasn't going on Thursday either. I ended up spending over an hour at the hospital visiting my new baby cousin. It was worth it to get to see the look on my grandma's face while she held the baby  And I had my mole removal yesterday. It's not hurting as much as I thought it would, but riding would definitely rub on it so I may be out for a few more days. 
I've spent a lot of time working on my jewelry recently. I've made a bunch of earrings in the past few days. Today my sister is going to the Renaissance Festival with some people and she took some of my chainmaille earring to wear to maybe kind of promote them. She texted me a minute ago saying one of her friends wants to buy a pair, which is great! My husband also asked if he could share my etsy shop on facebook. That really gave me a boost of confidence. I get nervous about people looking at my stuff for some reason, so him asking to share it (instead of me asking him to share it) made me feel really good about myself 
No updates about my health, although now I am waiting on biopsy result for the mole I had removed (in addition to waiting on the blood work and echo results). I'm going to call my doctors office on Monday and see what's up. Hopefully no news is good news, but I really wish they wouldn't keep me waiting this long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

I have a lesson today. I'm really nervous for some reason. I guess maybe I just feel guilty that I haven't been out to ride in a while. I really wasn't expecting to be out this long from the surgery. Actually, the other day my sister (who is an ER nurse) told me I shouldn't ride til the wound is healed, but that is going to take weeks. I probably should've gone to test things out before my lesson, but it hasn't worked out that way. Anyway, I'm nervous. It's my first lesson at this barn with Lola. I don't know how to calm myself down. I know part of it is that I get anxious going to ride her anyway because the other mare she is turned out with is pushy and that makes Lola pushy when I'm getting her out of the field. Bad manners at the gate is my biggest pet peeve that I don't know how to solve. It makes me so nervous that a horse is going to get loose. Clearly I'm just rambling at this point. I really hope today goes well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zexious

Good luck in your lesson. Lola is adorable.


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## Wallaby

:hug: :hug:


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## Amba1027

Thanks guys! Emily, that picture is super cute and motivational lol. I love it!

My lesson went great! I had zero issues getting Lola from the field today, which was good since the place was totally deserted when I got there. I know I am more anxious getting her out of the field than I should. Pretty much getting and horse out of a field has always been my weakness. If there are other horses around the gate I start to over-think it and panic, when really I just need to ignore the other horses because in all likelyhood they aren't about to go and bust through the gate while I'm standing there. So today I tried to just not think about it too much, and everything was fine!

I ended up riding for about an hour even though I think it was only supposed to be a half hour. The instructor (who is also the BO) was asking me a lot of questions about myself and my riding history and whatnot so the chatting took up a lot of time. She's really nice and I like her a lot. She told me Lola is picky about people and that you can figure out pretty quick if she likes someone or not. She said she seems to like me so that's good to hear lol. We did mostly basic stuff and I popped her over a crossrail a few times at the end. Basically, I was worried for nothing because it all went great!

Not really anything new to report on my health. I got the results from the mole I had removed. Everything was normal for that, so at the very least I don't have skin cancer (which I have been referring to as crotch cancer because of the location of the mole haha). Also, riding didn't really bother the wound at all, so that's a plus as well. I called my other doctor's office about the blood work and results from the echo. The receptionist said she couldn't give me the results but that she would leave a message for the doctor and that someone would get back to me. I'm a bit worried because I'm pretty sure a receptionist gave me the results of my previous blood work so... With that blood work the only thing was that my cholesterol was high. When I asked if that was the only thing the receptionist had to hand me off to someone else and that person said everything else was normal, so really I have no idea what the protocol is for giving results. I know I'm needlessly stressing. I keep thinking everything will come back clear because that's what has always happened in the past. But at the same time I keep thinking that there is clearly _something_ wrong with me. And I don't know if she has any ideas of what to do next if everything comes back negative again. So on one hand, I hope they didn't find anything, but on the other hand I want to be fixed. And if they don't find anything they can't fix me (assuming that if they do find something, it is something fixable). 

Anyway, I wasn't planning on writing this much, but once I get started... lol.


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## Amba1027

Alright, so my echo was normal and I don't have CF! It's a relief, but now I'm beginning to feel like a hypochondriac. I don't know what to think. I've still got to schedule my sleep study and then I've got another recheck appointment towards the end of the month. I slept til 11am yesterday, which is extremely unusual for me. Even though I'm so tired all the time I usually can't sleep more than 8 hours without my back hurting so badly that I have to get out of bed. I think the extra sleep helped some. I wasn't as tired today as I usually am. But I can't really manage to get 11+ hours of sleep on a regular basis so I should probably get that study scheduled!

I rode Lola yesterday. No one was at the barn when I got there and technically you aren't supposed to ride when you are the only person there, so I decided to take my time with everything and see if someone showed up. I was told "No riding alone, or at least take your phone down to the ring with you" so I was on the fence about whether or not I wanted to risk upsetting someone by riding alone. Lola usually comes to the gate when I am there but so does the other mare. I usually try and chase her off a bit if she's standing between me and Lola since I know she is dominant over Lola. Today when I swung the lead at her a bit to get her to move, she chased Lola off down into the field. So I took a little stroll (the field isn't too big), caught her, and brought her back without a problem. I took my time grooming her, and by the time I was all tacked up someone had arrived. We had a nice ride. I tried to work on some of the stuff I did in my lesson last week. My balance is pretty terrible right now so I worked on that as well. She's definitely more grumpy when there isn't someone on the ground watching us.

That's about it for now!


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## Amba1027

I am really frustrated right now. I have no energy and it sucks. My mom always tells me to sleep in if I'm so tired, but I feel like a slacker and like I'm taking advantage of the fact that I work for my parents if I'm sleeping in all the time. My original work schedule was supposed to be 8-2, but I haven't made it there by 8 in weeks. Now usually I get there between 8:30-9, and today I am still at home at 10:30. I sooo wanted to go riding yesterday but I was practically falling asleep at work so I just came home. And then I feel guilty about not riding because Lola really should be ridden pretty much every day. I'm so tired of being tired. And I'm worried the sleep study will end up like everything else which no answers as to why I'm always exhausted. I'm pretty sure my doctor is out of answers if the sleep study doesn't come up with something. She said if they don't find anything she can prescribe me something to help my wake up, but I really don't want to take something like that. Plus, it's just a bandaid, isn't it? There's got to be a reason I'm so tired all of the time, right?

My joint pain also seems to be getting worse, which sucks because I've been more active lately so I feel like that's what is making it worse. No answers for that either. I'm only 25, I shouldn't feel like I'm 85! I'm frustrated and it sucks. I don't want to feel like this but I'm losing hope that I'll get answers and solutions.


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## Wallaby

Oh man, that really stinks. It's so hard when you want to be one way but your body just does not let you. I've been there and there's probably not a lot worse. :hug:

In terms of sleep, can I ask what your diet is like? Are you allergic to anything?
Weird thing to ask, I know, but for my mom and I both, extreme sleepiness was a huge factor before we cut out our allergens. It didn't really matter how long we slept, we were still sleepy.
For me, the offenders ended up being gluten/wheat and soy. For her, just about everything else (dairy, red meat, many legumes, etc). :lol:
But really. We had a few other weird symptoms, but the major one was the sleepiness. Once we figured out what our issues were and avoided those foods, things got crazy better!

I know for me, back when I was eating gluten still (gluten is my big one), being awake was probably the hardest part of my day. I felt like I was swimming in a weird fog all the time.
I went off gluten and, within about a week, I was back! I felt like the human I was back in middle/early high school - I was back to being all about those mornings and oh my goodness, it was like a miracle of a wonderful kind!
I had also had some joint pain -not a lot, but more than I have now- that disappeared after changing my diet...

Anyway, I'm not saying that diet is for sure the answer, but it really could be if that's a route you haven't explored.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

Thanks Emily  

My diet is not the greatest. I'm pretty picky (not as bad as when I was younger, but still pretty bad for an adult). I mostly eat pasta and bread-y cheesey things (pizza, grilled cheese, mozzarella sticks, etc). I also eat a lot of cereal. Not super sugary ones or anything, but bland stuff like plain cheerios and bran flakes. I THINK I was tested for celiac disease years ago when I was having the major stomach issues. I remember my sister suggesting that that might be the problem and I believe we ruled it out for some reason, so I believe I tested negative for that. Other than that, my allergist told me a long time ago that I'm allergic to pork and peas. I don't like either of those things so I don't eat them. My current allergist didn't test me for food allergies, so it's possible something has come up in the years since. 

How did you find out gluten was no good for you? I think my doctor is out of ideas if nothing comes from the sleep study, so I'm not sure if I should bring up food allergies to her or if I should see my allergist about it...

I scheduled my sleep study for October 11th. They emailed me all this paper work to fill out. One of the questions is how long does it take you to fall asleep? I really have no idea. How does one even figure that out? Like, I'm not constantly looking at the clock to see how long it's been since I got in bed. I can tell you it used to take me forever to fall asleep and now I fall asleep pretty quickly, but I couldn't give you a number of minutes or anything. I hate filling out paper work. I always have a million dumb questions and I probably over-think most of it.


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## Wallaby

The Celiac's test is notorioussssss for being inaccurate. Plus you could be allergic to wheat or gluten, and not have Celiac's. 

:shock: :shock: :shock:

I really don't know why doctors aren't more transparent about the accuracy of these tests, but they really aren't and it makes me sad. Apparently, to the best of my knowledge, the only truly accurate test for gluten sensitivity is one that analyzes your....#2. It basically looks at what your intestinal enzymes can break down and goes from there. 


Annnnnyway, I found out about my gluten thing by just cutting it out of my diet. I've never been tested for Celiac's but the severity of my reaction suggests Celiacs or at least a very severe wheat/gluten allergy - again, not sure cuz I don't love the idea of eating something wheat-free that contains gluten "just to see" :lol: I tend to say I have Celiacs becuase that's easy for peope to understand. I'm not simply gluten "sensitive" - ingesting the allergen, whatever it really is, sends me into a near-anaphylactic-type reaction at this point. It wasn't always like that, but my body was "used to" it before and now it isn't...

I had gone to the doctor to talk about it and the doctor prescribed GasX, or something, and told me that the symptoms I had [random hives, severe and random diarrhea 2 hours after eating - sometimes I could eat a food and be fine..sometimes not, etc] "just happened to people sometimes." 

I went along like that for probably a year, scared to death of eating in public when I wouldn't be home for a few hours. 
Finally it started being where everyday, a few hours after eating a "healthy" breakfast of Grapenuts and yogurt [food I had been eating for literally my whole life without issues], I would get severe stomach cramps. Like bad period cramps, but 100% every single day. Since that was not a new food to my body, I was pretty sure there was something wrong for me about the food itself. Something had changed in it or my body had changed.

Long story shorter, I decided, on a whim, to cut out gluten for a week. 
Grantedly, I did a literal TERRIBLE job. I had no idea that oats needed to be gluten free and that some food items that are marked GF aren't, but I probably managed to cut 90% of gluten out of my diet.
And suddenly I felt so much better. I had planned on doing this diet for 2 weeks, then eat gluten and seeing what happened...but it took maybe 3 days for me to start physically feeling better. By about a week in, I suddenly [and noticeably to everyone around me] felt ALIVE again!

I had no idea that gluten was the actual issue, I was simply desperate for a solution and figured 2 weeks of my life was an ok sacrifice to be sure gluten wasn't the culprit... :lol:

I still wish I had binged on Cinnabon, fast food burgers, and fettuccine alfredo, but I didn't. I was so pretty sure I'd be eating those things again which, looking back, is hilariousss. :lol:

And yeah, new allergies can definitely come up over the years [mine hit at the end of puberty, up til' then I was fineeee]. And pregnancy can be a huge impetus for allergies [I don't know your past/current status on that...haha] - for instance, my mom could eat dairy just fine before she got pregnant the first time [she had numerous miscarriages before me - I'm the oldest kid] but the hormones messed it alllllll up. Color me scared of pregnancy!! :rofl:

If you can, get tested again for various allergies and try eliminating various common food allergens from your diet - one at a time so you know. You'll probably know in about a week or two if the "missing" allergen *the* allergen.
I'd suggest eliminating gluten, then, if that isn't it, eat normally for a week or two, then eliminate dairy - just as a jumping off point.


:hug: :hug: :hug:


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## Amba1027

Alright, I'm going to give going gluten-free a shot. After reading your post, Emily, I feel like this really could be the answer. I've gone through the same thing with doctors just telling me my stomach issues are "normal" for some people and them telling me to take GasX all the time. I gave up years ago on ever finding a solution for the cramps and the diarrhea. I briefly looked up symptoms of gluten intolerance and I deal with most of what I ended up finding. SO, I will give it a shot. I told my husband and he was so sad for me because I LOVE pasta and bread and cereal. It's going to be tough but if it means I stop feeling this way it will be sooo worth it. I looked up gluten-free pastas and found a brand that is said to be pretty close to being like "normal" pasta. Luckily the one store in Maryland that carries it is 20 minutes from my house. I'll go pick some up tomorrow. I also found a few cereals that are gluten-free, so I'll pick up some of that as well. I was most sad about not being able to eat at my favorite restaurant anymore so we went there tonight as a possible last hurrah for me. We were telling our regular waiter about it, and it turns out they can make my usual meal gluten-free! I sampled the gluten-free bread tonight, and although it's not as good as the "regular" bread it will definitely work if that's what I need to do. So, I will go shopping tomorrow and get started on this and we'll see what happens.

And by the way Emily, if this turns out to be the answer, I'm going to buy you a present of some sort


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## Amba1027

I have started writing an entry several times over the last few days but I've always been on my phone which I don't like writing long things from because I am sooo bad with typos and they bother me when they happen... Anyway. Finally on the computer so here we go.

I did 2 days of the gluten free diet before "giving up". I say "giving up" because I think my reason for stopping was pretty valid. Turns out I'm one of those people who goes into super painful terrible gluten withdrawal. Basically all of my problems got 10x worse. I had to do some research to figure out what was happening, and apparently there are people who go through withdrawal if they go gluten free. Unfortunately it can last weeks or months. I decided that it wasn't worth going through the withdrawal for who knows how long when I'm not even sure if gluten is my problem. On my next trip to the doctor I'll discuss the possibilities of food intolerance with her and see what she says. If it ends up being gluten I'll deal with the withdrawal. I just figured it wasn't worth it to go through all that without being more certain that I'll feel better in the long run. In the mean-time I'm working on expanding what I eat. Since I don't eat a wide variety of things having to make changes to my diet could mean 100% dropping everything I eat. So I'm going to try to broaden my eating horizons so that if changes do need to be made they won't be so jarring.

I didn't go to work at all last week. I was so tired I couldn't even think straight. I don't know if doing nothing for a week helped me get some rest and recharge, or if there was something different about last week that caused me to be so tired, but I'm feeling better this week. Not great, but not like I could fall asleep at any moment. I didn't ride Lola last week because of it. I thought it might not be the best idea to go ride when I was so tired. Then I did something to my shoulder, so it's been about a week and a half since I last rode her. But I finally got out there yesterday! I kind of had an "incident" getting her out of the field. I think I've mentioned that Lola "doesn't like" the mare she's out with during the day (the mare is dominant over Lola and beats up on her a bit). They both always come to the gate when I get there and I've tried different things to deal with it (boss mare is always in front so I have to get around her to get Lola). I usually chase the boss mare away, but the last time I did that she chased Lola off as well. So yesterday I thought I'd just ignore her and lead Lola past. Well, boss mare starts pinning her ears so Lola got nervous and started pulling back. I tried to hang on to her but that was clearly just getting her more upset so I let her go. Once she was free to move back she calmed down and I tired again. I was able to get her past boss mare that time and we got out of the field without any more issues. I think stuff like that happening helps me get over my anxiety over something going wrong when getting her out of the field. Because something did go wrong but it wasn't the end of the world and I handled it so everything will be fine 

We had a great ride, which I wasn't expecting. I knew Lola would probably be a bit of a handful since she hasn't been ridden much. And in the beginning she was. She was 100x more wiggly than she has ever been for me. Usually she only gets grumpy at the trot and wiggly at the canter, and then she settles down as you continue to work her. But yesterday the second I asked for the trot she was all over the place. I put her on a circle and worked on getting her slow but moving forward (as opposed to going sideways like she wanted) and bending. It was so nice! I was able to get a great sitting trot going and she was moving beautifully! The ring was freshly dragged when I went in so I could clearly see the circle we'd been on afterwards and it was nice and round and consistent  And oh my goodness when we cantered after that, she was great. Her ears were up and she was listening soooo well. All in all, it was a lovely ride and I can't wait to get back out there this afternoon.


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## Amba1027

My back is killing me. I guess it's not used to me riding 2 days in a row after a week and a half off. Maybe also because I worked on my sitting trot both days and I have zero back muscles to begin with soooo... But I had a good ride again yesterday. I'm trying to get myself in the habit of going every day. Lola needs the work, and I could definitely do with being in better shape. Plus, the more I go, the more comfortable I get with being there and that means I enjoy it a lot more! Also today my neighbor (the one I've mentioned before that used to be a dressage instructor in England) wants to check the place out. She is looking for a horse to lease so I asked around for her and they have a dressage horse that belongs to one of the instructors that is available. So I'm meeting my neighbor out there today to show her around the place.


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## Amba1027

It's getting cold here. I'm sure it's not nearly as cold as some other places, but it is getting pretty chilly. I spent yesterday attempting to do some weeding in the back yard. The area of our yard that is between our patio and the trees in front of the fence was made into a garden by the previous owners of our house. Since my husband and I aren't the best at yard maintenance it got all overgrown with weeds and vines. I want to pull everything out of there and lay some grass seed so we don't have to worry about this happening every year. So I decided to try and take care of it yesterday but I didn't get very far. Some of the weeds that were there are these really obnoxious plants that have prickly seeds that get all over you. You can end up covered in the things if you just look at the plants wrong. After getting all of those out I looked like I'd been quilled by a mob of angry porcupines so I decided to be done for the day. And today my body aches. I don't know why. I don't feel like I was working that hard. It was more annoying than physically strenuous. I'm irritated that I wasn't able to finish though. I'm running out of time to do the seeds so it needs to get done soon. 

I rode Lola 3 times last week. I'm aiming for 4 times this week. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about it as the weather continues to get cooler. I only have 2 pairs of warmer riding pants. I used to wear jeans all the time to ride, but it seems that since I've gained weight I have a major problem with wearing holes into the thighs of my jeans. I can't afford to be replacing my jeans all the time so I'm trying not to ride in them anymore. Also, this is the first time I've been at a barn without an indoor. I have no idea how that's going to go once winter really hits. I guess we shall see.

Nothing really interesting to report I guess. My sleep study is this weekend. Hopefully they find something and can fix this.


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## Amba1027

Once again, I've started writing a post a bunch of times and I seem to get distracted from it so I don't finish and post :/

I had my sleep study over this past weekend. I honestly don't know how they expect anyone to sleep at those things. It's bad enough that you know they are watching you and that a stranger could just walk in at any moment, but the amount of stuff they strap to you is ridiculous! I have a picture that I'll post later (can't do it from my phone). I mean, I knew they would be attaching sensors to monitor everything, but I wasn't prepared for the amount or the fact that they stick a ton of tape on you to try and keep everything in place.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep long or well. It took me at least 2 hours to fall asleep and during that time a tech can bursting into the room twice. I guess my moving around kept messing up one of the sensors so he had to come in and fix it. Which is fine, I understand he has a job to do. But when I'm finally about to fall asleep maybe you don't throw the door open and turn the lights on to full brightness with zero warning. I woke up at 1:40am feeling like I hadn't even been asleep and feeling like my face was on fire. No idea what that was about but it was a bit scary. I managed to fall back asleep after another hour, only to wake up again at 4:40am. I knew they'd be in to wake me at 5am so I didn't bother trying to get back to sleep. Once I was all disconnected and I filled out my paper work I went home and got back into bed. 

In short, the whole thing sucked and I really hope I never have to do it again. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wallaby

Ughhhhhhhh. That sounds like no fun.  
Why'd you have to do it again? I seem to have missed it/forgotten... :'/


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## Amba1027

It really was the worst  I don't necessarily have to do it again; it depends on the results. If they found that I have sleep apnea I would have to go in again so they can have me sleep with the air mask thing and figure all that stuff out. I would be shocked if I did have sleep apnea though, so hopefully it's not that. 
It's getting worse again though (the being tired). I'm sitting in bed right now trying to convince myself to at least get up and have breakfast but I really just want to go back to sleep. My head feels so heavy. I would just stay home today but I need to go to my parents house. My grandmother is turning 90 on Monday! Anyway, the whole family will be going over there to celebrate so I need to fix up the dining room so there's a place to eat and everything. I also need to get my house cleaned up a bit since my husband and I will be away for a wedding this weekend. My brother stays here to watch our animals when we are away (which I think I've mention before) so I'd like the place to not look like a sty. I at least want to do some laundry and clean the fish tank. But I'm so freaking tired!!!

I've got my next doctors appointment on Monday to go over the results of the sleep study (the clinic told me my doctor would have them by this past Wednesday so hopefully they got them). Fingers crossed there's some sort of treatable result!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amba1027

And here's the picture of all the wires. There's more attached to the back of my head that you can't see and there's two straps wrapped around my waist and under my arms. I get uncomfortable just looking at this thing!


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## Wallaby

Ughhhhhh that looks awful! How could _anyone_ sleep with that get up on?! :shock:


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## Amba1027

I had a doctors appointment this morning. The sleep study people had told me that they would get the results to my doctor by this past Wednesday so I made an appointment for today. And of course they didn't send the results. My doctor tried to have her assistant get in touch with the sleep center while I was there, but the sleep center wasn't going to be open til 9am (my appointment was at 8:30). So I waited til 9. They continued to try and contact the sleep center. At about 9:30 they told me they weren't getting any answer but that they would keep trying and call me with the results. Meanwhile, my doctor said she assumes everything will come back normal. Well then why did she have me do that in the first place?!?! I could've done without ever going through that so if she thinks it won't show anything then why did she have me do it?? I really don't understand that. She gave me a script for ritalin as the "solution" to my being tired. This is exactly what I didn't want; a band aid for general lack of energy rather than finding the reason and fixing the problem. I might as well just start sucking down coffee all the time. Honestly, I like my doctor and I like the fact that she actually looks into the things I ask her about instead of just brushing my concerns off, but I feel like she isn't very good at this. I feel like there are a ton of things this could possibly be, but she only ran a couple of tests and then decided that it has no cause and just needs to be fixed with a stimulant medication. But that's not really fixing it, it's just covering up the problem. I don't know. I'd like to have my hormone levels checked because I've got pretty much every symptom in the book for that. I think I may try and have my gyno look into that though. I did try at my yearly check up but she got distracted by the mole I needed to have removed and the fact that my blood pressure was high that day so she forgot about the fact that I told her I'd been having hot flashes. Only problem with seeing her for it is that her office sucks. They never answer the phone and messages never get answered. You have to really hound them to get a response, which I hate doing. Plus it usually takes forever to get an appointment there. But, I'd rather do that than make yet another appointment with my GP when I have to go back in a month anyway. And I'd rather not wait another month to get this checked out. I can't believe I forgot to say something at today's appointment but I am so tired I can't even think.

My birthday is in a week. Nothing like feeling like you're 70 to celebrate turning 26. My grandma turns 90 today. We had a party at my parents' house last night which was great. My husband an I went to a wedding on Saturday which was also a lot of fun. But of course, it was another one of those weekends where I spent the entire time pushing myself to be active and and actually _do_ things, which means today I am crashing HARD, and probably will be for the rest of the week. 

I didn't get to ride at all last week since it rained pretty much every day. I don't know that I'll be able to handle riding this week if I continue to feel this way. This sucks.


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## Amba1027

The story of me and Lola- Part 2:

As soon as I got Lola home everything started falling apart. The first time I tried to ride her after she was moved to my barn was at my weekly group lesson. I went to mount and she side stepped away from me. I wanted to try again but T (my instructor and the one who helped my parents find her) told me she was too wound up to ride. He had me put her away and get a lesson horse to ride. This started a long downward spiral of T and the BO telling me I shouldn't ride her because she wasn't being ridden enough. They told me I had to lunge her but I didn't know how and no one would show me. At one point she ended up with a puncture wound in one of her hocks which she was lame from for a while. The barn never contacted us about her getting hurt; I just showed up one day and she was in her stall with a chart for meds on it. After she healed from that she bucked me off as I was mounting one day. We were told she had bucked because of pain and needed to see the chiropractor. She never bucked again but she continued to have issues. I don't remember what the specifics were, but I remember that we had one of the instructors doing training rides on her and I remember T telling us she needed to go back to the trainers we got her from for "tune-ups". That happened at least twice, and she was never any better when she returned (I have since learned from Lola's current owner that she never went back to the people we got her from. We still have no idea what T did with her when she was supposed to be off getting training). After the last time my parents had her taken to a different barn. After everything that had been going on (and the fact that someone kept taking my bridle) they wanted a better barn. The new barn we went to was a bit better. The instructor showed me how to lunge Lola and tried to help me fix her. 

Unfortunately, I was having other problems. For most of my teenage years I had major depression issues. I was in therapy and on meds, but at some point everything just became to much. One day my mom told me it was time to go to my lesson and I just broke down. I started sobbing and begged her not to make me go. She didn't, and that was it. I didn't ride again until I was 20. For a while I thought I'd get over it. But after awhile I realized it wasn't fair to Lola to be sitting around and not being ridden, and it wasn't fair to my parents to have them pay for a horse I wasn't riding. So, I made the hardest decision I've ever made and told my parents they should find someone to buy her. 

From day one, T had told me if I ever wanted to sell Lola, he would buy her. He did. A few months later her current owner bought her from T. She was the best thing that ever happened to Lola. She figured out all of Lola's pain issues (got her a saddle that fit properly, figured out that she hates being stalled and will kick the walls til she's lame). She's gotten Lola everything she's needed and turned her back into the wonderful horse she was when I first got her. 

My birthday is on Monday and that will mark 12 years since I got Lola, so I figured I should finish our story. I so much regret that I let depression take over my life to such a degree and that I didn't know enough about owning a horse to be able to take care of Lola like she needed. But these things did happen, so now I am just grateful that she ended up in such wonderful hands and that I get to have her in my life again.


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## Amba1027

I haven't written thank you notes for my wedding a yet. We'll have been married a year next month. So yeah, I suck at this. I am trying to get started on them but really I am just sitting here staring at my list thinking, "Well, that person moved so I need the new address. Should I write this one to *persons name* and his plus one? They might have broken up. How awkward will it be to write one to my cousin who I just saw last week..." And on and on. So I've been sitting here doing nothing for 2 plus hours. And I want to scream.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was wonderful, which is pretty impressive when you consider I spent a good part of the day cleaning the house. But I suppose that when you are an adult you can't expect to sit around eating bon-bons on your birthday haha. I got myself a bunch of yarn (I'm getting into making hats and scarves now that it's getting cooler) and a new tattoo! I've been wanting a Disney tattoo for a long time now and so I got one! It's of Space Mountain, which is my favorite ride. When I was buying the yarn the woman in line behind my played happy birthday on a kazoo for me! Apparently she carries the kazoo around in her purse for just such occasions  I had dinner with my family at one of my favorite restaurants. We had cake and presents at home. My parents gave me some money for a few riding lessons and this awesome thing we saw at an art festival a few months ago. I like to call it Fire Rock. It's a large slab of stone that has holes drilled in it for wicks and a glass bowl attached to the bottom for oil. So basically a a big pice of rock that you can use as an oil lamp. I'll get some pictures of it when we get some oil for it. My wonderful husband got me a bunch of Disney stuff. A shirt, a mug, and three of these adorable little stuffed animals called Tsum-tsums. And he got me some beautiful diamond earrings, which really surprised me since he kept asking what I wanted and that he had no idea what to get me, so I wasn't expecting anything big. Anyway, I had a great day 

Here's a pic of my tattoo. Sorry it's pretty gross looking; it was taken right after I got it and I can't get a better picture of it myself since it's on my back.


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## Amba1027

I think I'm starting to give up on figuring out what's wrong with me. Again. I don't know. For about a week I took two Aleve and a melatonin tablet before going to bed and was able to wake up feeling rested. But I'd like to not trash my liver so I had to stop taking the Aleve every night. So now I'm thinking that maybe I'm just not sleeping well because of my back pain and that is why I'm tired all the time. Which sucks because no one can tell me why my back hurts so much or what to do to fix it. I've decided to try and work that out myself; I'll let you know what I'm doing/how it's going after I've had some time to work on it. As far as everything else is concerned, I'm pretty sure my birth control pill was the problem. I went to my gyno to discuss my hormones possibly being out of whack (and thus causing my problems) and she told me as long as I was on the pill it would override anything my hormones might be doing on their own. She also said a lot of the stuff I've been experiencing could be caused by the pill. Since all of this stuff started around when I started dating my husband (and went back on the pill) it makes sense that the pill might be the cause. So I stopped taking it. I haven't had a hot flash or palpations or crazy strong food cravings in weeks. Those weren't my biggest problems but I feel like the bigger stuff isn't as terrible now that some of the things have gone away. That could also be something the pill was causing; me feeling super crazy emotional all the time. So I guess there's been some progress on the health front.

I had a lesson on Lola on Wednesday and oh my goodness, it was great. I did posting trot without stirrups, which I haven't done in a couple years. I've been wanting to work on it, but I never felt like I was strong enough to do it so I never tried. My lesson was a small group lesson and the other girls had dropped there stirrups. I told the instructor I didn't think I could do it, but then my ankle was bothering me so I decided to give it a whirl. And I did it!! And my instructor said my leg position was really good  Later we did a little 4 jump course and Lola did great. I got lots of praise for how well I've been working with Lola which made me feel awesome. It was an all-around great evening (even though the sun went down half way through the lesson and I was not dressed for the cold and then I had to take Lola back to her field in the dark).

Some good things, some not so good things. I'm trying to be optimistic about things. If I can just figure out my back pain I think things will get better. My husband and I are going to Disney World next month as a one year anniversary celebration and I would love to not be exhausted and in pain the whole time we are there. Fingers crossed.


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## Amba1027

EDIT: Just realized I repeated some stuff from my last post in this one, but I'm going to leave it because I'm lazy haha.

Well, I know it's been a bit since I've updated. I have a lot going on and might not be on here much for a while, but I'll get to that in a minute. First off, I finally have an answer for what was wrong with me. After all the tests and doctors visits and 4 years of issues, I went to my gynecologist to see if she would check my hormone levels. She told me that it couldn't be my hormones because my birth control pills would be regulating them. She then said that it was possible that it was my birth control that was causing the issues. She suggested I stop taking them for at least a month, which I did. And that was it. I felt soooo much better. Finally. I was a bit ****ed for a while that I spent 4 years feeling like crap and no one was able to tell me the simple answer to what was wrong. But at least I know now and it's been fixed.

Somewhat unfortunately, feeling better didn't last long. I'm pregnant! So now I'm exhausted all the time again, and expect to be so for the next 18 years lol. I'm happy though. I had been wanting to figure out what was wrong with my before trying to have kids and since the fix was going off birth control it was kind of perfect timing (we did this on purpose; it wasn't an oops because I wasn't on the pill anymore). Anyway, I'm only 8 weeks and it still doesn't quite feel real but I'm excited and happy about it 

I'm not going to be riding at all while pregnant. My husband was very uncomfortable with the idea so I'm respecting his feelings on the matter. So I'm not leasing Lola anymore, which I'm really bummed about. Her owner told me I could go out and groom her any time I want. I've been having horrible morning sickness (which has really been all day sickness) so I haven't been doing much of anything lately, but I hope I'll be able to go out and see her when I'm feeling better. I've been trying to help find someone else to lease her in my place, but no luck so far. So if anyone reading this is in central MD and looking for a lease, let me know! Unfortunately Lola's owner also said she would consider selling her. She doesn't want to, but with no one leasing her she isn't getting ridden and she needs to be worked. I understand but I'll be really sad if after all this time I "lose" her again.

So that's my update. I might not be around much since I'm not riding. On the other hand, I need my horse fix so you may see me around. Definitely keep an eye out for baby's first riding lesson in a few years though!


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## Amba1027

I miss riding!! I've partially been avoiding coming on here because it just makes me sad that I can't ride, and partially because I've just had a whole lot going on. 

The first trimester was not good to me. I've always wanted multiple kids but I'm honestly questioning if I want to go through that again. I was nauseous constantly and I couldn't go anywhere because the second I got in a car I started gagging and dry heaving. I was tired and achey; basically I just felt like I had the flu for 3 months. 

Luckily it all cleared up for the second trimester and I was able to enjoy a trip to Disney World with my husband. Well, mostly enjoy. I couldn't ride my favorite rides since they are not pregnant lady safe, but I still had a good time. 

After we got back from that, my sister got married. I was her matron of honor so there was a lot of stuff going on there. It went beautifully. 10 days later my grandmother passed away. She was 90 years old and we had been expecting it, but it's still been pretty rough. Then, about a month later, one of my aunts died in a plane crash. Obviously that was not expected at all so in some ways that's been harder than losing my grandmother. During all of this we've been adjusting to the fact that my step son in now living with us full-time. Back in April step son's mom told my husband that he'd been saying he wanted to live with daddy and visit mommy so now he is living with us. We usually have him during the summer anyway, so this time he stayed with his mom for the first half of the summer. Now he's with us and he'll be going to school here. So there's just been a whole lot of adjustments and change and whatnot going on.

But I'm mostly writing this to whine about missing riding. I started looking at barns today. I don't know why. I'm not due for another 2 months, and I obviously won't be able to ride for a bit after I give birth. I might go past my due date as well. Really I have no idea when I'll be able to ride again. I guess planning about where I might go when I can ride again helps me get through it. As far as I know Lola isn't being leased by anyone so I might be able to go back to riding her, but I really wasn't so much a fan of the barn she is at. I honestly wouldn't have stayed there for any reason other than leasing her. It wasn't a bad place, they just have a heavy lesson load and only one ring so it's hard to get in good riding time. I miss her, but I know she's being taken care of and I can check in on her, so I don't feel the drive to be the one to lease her that I did before. Not only that but we really won't have an extra $300 a month for a lease once the baby comes. So once again I find myself on the hunt for a new barn. Except not really, because again, it'll be months before I can ride. *sigh*


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## Wallaby

I'm glad you're doing well! And I'm so excited for your baby and all the baby pictures. <3 :happydance:


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## Amba1027

I've started to update this thing several times but never end up finishing, which is why I made a shorter update/I'm back post elsewhere. I'll make another attempt at a longer update here. Ah, life with a small child.

I had my daughter on September 27th after a long labor and lots of pushing, which all turned out to be useless because she's a stubborn little thing and decided if we wanted her out she would have to be removed by force. AKA: I had a c-section. Officially my least favorite thing that has happened to me ever. But it was totally worth it and I'd probably do it again because my daughter is super cute. Also possibly because the mommy hormones have made me crazy. 

Anyway, I stopped coming on here while I was pregnant because I knew it would be a long while before I could be around horses again. I'm a stay-at-home mom so time and money for horse things are in short supply. My little one is almost a year old now though, and I've been going a bit stir crazy, so I'm doing what I can to get back to horses. I'll be volunteering at a local therapeutic riding center soon. I went to the orientation the other day and it was so nice to just get to see horses again. It was super hot, but I honestly would've been happy to stay there all day. I also used to volunteer at this place when I was a teenager and it has changed so much. It's wonderful that they are thriving and have been able to build the place up.

In other news, I ran in to the BM at Lola's barn when I was out shopping a few months ago (probably more like 6 months ago... I have no idea. Time escapes me these days). She told me Lola's owner gave her to some woman who rode her once and fell in love. I'm kind of ****ed and bummed and all sorts of things. First off, she gave her away?!? She told me that she *might* be willing to sell her to the right person. Might. I understand circumstances change, but that is just a big 180 in my mind. Second, this woman does not sound like the right person. At all. BM told me Lola has started bucking again, which she only does with poor riding and pain issues. So the fact that those behaviors are resurfacing leads me to believe this woman doesn't really know what she's doing. BM also said she didn't think Lola was the right horse for her but the woman was blinded by love. Anyway. I just worry about her. I know she hasn't been mine in a long time, but it was good to know she was happy and safe. I feel like she isn't anymore. And even though I know I wouldn't have been able to afford board, I'm upset that her owner didn't see if I would want her before giving her away to some random person who can't even ride her well.

Moving on... My old barn, my favorite barn, the barn I considered my 'home' closed a few months back. I guess it was a long time coming since the owner had been trying to sell for years. She wanted to sell the place as a business, but no one was buying and I guess she was tired of trying. Plus the BM who was basically running the place left for a new job. Even though I hadn't ridden there in 5 years I was still very sad to see it go. I always hoped to go back someday. I went for a visit before they closed, but it wasn't the same since most of the horses I knew were gone. The property still has not sold as far as I can tell, though it will most likely be purchased by a developer.

I want to start riding again and my stepson has been asking for lessons so I'm trying to find a place. There is a barn that isn't too far from me that is close to my parents house and has pretty much everything on my list. I've contacted them a couple of times but they haven't been great about getting back to me. I don't want to be pushy, but at the same time I want to get things going! I guess if I don't hear back by tomorrow I will try and contact them through facebook since they seem more responsive that way.

That's it for now!


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## Amba1027

I think it's safe to say that I suck at updating this thing now. My daughter (J) doesn't like it when I'm not in the room with her and my computer isn't in a baby-proofed area of the house, so most of my interneting is done on the phone (which isn't great for typing a long post). So lots has happened. Where to begin...

I've been riding again and it's been going really well. For a while I had felt like something was really off with my riding. I didn't feel as balanced and with the horse as I once did. I was falling off a lot at the slightest things, which only reinforced that feeling. This was all before I got pregnant, so I figured all the post-baby changes to my body would only make things worse. Instead I've been feeling like my old self in the saddle again. My balance feels good and I'm sticking in the saddle instead of ending up in the dirt. All good things. I like my new barn pretty well. Everyone is nice. The instructor is from my old "home" barn (I left before she got there though). All in all it's going well.

My stepson (A) stopped riding after a month of lessons. He was doing SO well. He really seemed to take to riding naturally and he was really enjoying it. But one day after his lesson he was leading his horse inside the barn when he tripped and fell. The horse ended up standing on his foot. He wasn't hurt very much (not even a bruise or swelling) but in his mind he had almost been trampled. That's how it goes with kids sometimes :/ He still went back for his next lesson and seemed to be fine; not nervous or scared at all, but he wanted to "take a break" for a bit. He seems to have lost interest during the break so I'm not holding my breath for him to start back up again. It was nice while it lasted.

Volunteering has been going really well, but before I update on that I'm going to update on Lola because the two are slightly related. MY second week of volunteering I found out another woman there rides at Lola's barn and knows her new owner. New owner was interested to know more about Lola's past and asked to get in touch with me so we chatted over the phone a bit. She said I can come visit whenever and am welcome to ride her sometime if I'd like. She seemed really nice and devoted to giving Lola what she needs, so my mind has been put at ease there. I intended to go out there (this all happened a few months ago) but life. It gets really crazy sometimes.

Back to the volunteering. Technically I won't be doing it anymore. That is because I got offered a legit job there. I had been kind-of-sort-of looking for a job, but not really seriously because I do want to be a stay-at-home mom for J. But my mom can babysit and the hours aren't anything crazy and my husband is super supportive of me taking it, so I decided to go for it. I'm taking 3 shifts a week and my training starts Sunday. I'll basically be doing the same stuff as I am volunteering (taking care of the horses) but I'll kind of be in charge of making sure things get done during my shifts. I'm really excited, but also nervous. I feel like there's basic stuff I've forgotten over the years that I'll feel stupid for not knowing. I'm probably just being paranoid and anxious, but that's who I am!

That's about it for now. I'd say I'll update after my first training this weekend, but who knows if that will happen. So I'll just say I'll update before the end of the year. Hopefully. Maybe.


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