# The time to move has come...



## QuietHeartHorses (Jul 31, 2012)

A few months ago, I posted a thread about how much I work at my current barn to earn a small reduction on my board... I wasn't sure at the time if I should feel cheated, but after a strong response from all of you telling me that I was in fact, being treated like a doormat, I have started realizing that I need to get the heck out of there. Things haven't changed a bit, except maybe they have gotten worse. I still work as hard as ever, I never miss a day, but still she asks me for more and more favors. As usual, I will help out, never say a word, but I always hope that somehow it will come back to me in some good way... It hasn't. 

Even after everything I have been through, I don't want to upset her. She has never been mean to me, more like an over protective momma bear. She is presumptuous and a little over reactive, but she isn't harsh about anything. At the same time, some of the reasons why I am leaving are directly related to her behavior. I don't want to drag it all out and explain everything to her, but I also don't want to just spring it on her without any explanation either. So how do I go about telling her I am leaving? It's going to be a scene either way, I might as well just say it short and sweet and to the point. Like ripping off a band-aid. 

The barn I am moving to, or back to, is a barn I used to board at when I first got my horse. It's a great place, the owner is a good friend of mine, and I'm super excited to be there again. It's more expensive, but I wont have to work at all there, all of my time can be spent with my horse. I keep thinking about how amazing it will be, but then I get this dreadful feeling because I know I still have to face the momma bear. 

Ugghhh... I'm just too nice, that's all. I keep getting myself into these situations because I'm too willing to be helpful. So what is the correct way to deal with this? I don't want to skirt the topic, or blow it up either. I just want a level headed explanation and a clean get away without making anyone upset or angry. Any advise?


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## alexischristina (Jun 30, 2009)

I had a similar issue when I was working for a stable (nor for board, just for cash). They kept bringing in more horses, upping my work but not my hours or pay, the ground would freeze and I'd be expected to do everything in the same amount of time. And when I decided to quit I gave my two weeks notice via email... no response to the email, and no sign of her at the barn (my boss was rarely there, she lived off site, and when she was there she was teaching). So I called and surprise surprise, no answer, went to find her on my next shift and she wasn't there. Once my two weeks were up I took my pay check (surprised it was even there!) called and left a voice mail saying I wasn't going to show up. Point is, it would have been MUCH easier if I had cornered her and was short and sweet and to the point, instead I beat around the bush and drew it out. I suggest you find her when she isn't busy and nobody is within ear shot (make sure there are people at the barn if you think she'll make a scene / get a little crazy, you never know) and just tell her flat out that you're giving your notice, and you'll be moving your horse at 'x' time. Be prepared to move your horse earlier, if you feel like she wont make it easy on you / might take it out on your horse. Be polite, smile, kill her with kindness. That way if she bad mouths you all she has are lies and maybe you'll have witnesses to back you up. You don't want to add fuel to the fire, but you also don't want to dance around it or be too polite / nice.


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## QuietHeartHorses (Jul 31, 2012)

alexischristina said:


> Be polite, smile, kill her with kindness. That way if she bad mouths you all she has are lies and maybe you'll have witnesses to back you up. You don't want to add fuel to the fire, but you also don't want to dance around it or be too polite / nice.


Exactly! I just want to have a grown up, this is what I'm doing kind of conversation. I don't want her to freak out (which she is capable of doing), be irrational, or cause any trouble for me. He's my horse, I can do with him what I please, she has no say as long as I give her notice.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

What is it about this barn that would be better for your horse? don't make it about her at all.. because that's crossing he business line into personal stuff.. and business really shouldn't be personal!

Make a list of the pros, and then draft a letter and maybe shoot her an email with the reasons why (with a nice flow of course)

Don't feel bad... you aren't going into war.. it's just a transition. I understand it can be nerveracking but all in all you must be happy with the barn!


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

I tried to leave my old barn amicably. I explained to the BO, who I'd bought my horse from and who broke him out for me, that I was struggling to afford board and was sad that I could never see my horse because the stable was much farther away than it had been (I moved from 2 miles away from the stable to nearly 15 miles away). I reassured him that it was absolutely nothing personal. According to my best friend (who still boards at my old stable), I am not welcome at the stable and the BO bad-mouths me on a regular basis. I wouldn't even be able to park my trailer at the stable if I wanted to go ride with my best friend on the trails around there.

Point being, no matter how you do it, the BO will probably be upset and take it personally. So, don't get yourself too worked up over how to break it to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietHeartHorses (Jul 31, 2012)

DraftyAiresMum said:


> Point being, no matter how you do it, the BO will probably be upset and take it personally. So, don't get yourself too worked up over how to break it to her._Posted via Mobile Device_


I am pretty sure she will take it personally. She is a control freak, in my business all the time, telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my horse... so when I say I'm taking him away, she will probably give me 100 reasons why it's not a good idea, what I'd be doing wrong, why it would be unfair for my horse, and so on and so fourth. She will make me feel like a bad person, I guarantee it.

This is one of the main reasons I want to leave. I'm sick of being treated like I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I can grin and bear it, ignore most of the stupid stuff I hear, I'm not easy to hurt. The other issues are the unfair workload, and the herd situation. Currently, all of the horses are kept together in one big pasture. Not that big of a deal, but my horse is the low guy, every other horse picks on him constantly. He isn't allowed at the hay feeder, they run him off the troughs, he is the last to come in the barn, he is harassed in his stall by his neighbors, the geldings beat him up when the mares are in heat... it's just sad. And now, he is developing this guarded, leave me alone kind of attitude. It breaks my heart, he is such a sweet boy, I hate seeing him like this.

Skys, I know what you mean about not making it personal. It's like I said, I don't want to bring up all this stuff that I have been dealing with in silence because I don't think it would be fair to pile it all up at once. The opportunity for me to say "Hey, I don't like how you do this..." is gone. I don't want to make it about that either, I want to stay positive and friendly and get out without too much of a fuss.

The new barn will be a much better place for us. The turn out situation is better for my horse. They do small groups instead of one big, every horse for themselves herd. The barn owner is a professional horse person, she is on site 24/7 (unless she is at a show). My current BO works outside of the home and carts her child around to 4-5 different activities all week long. The horses are mostly left to me and her non-horse person boyfriend... just another eyebrow raising issue. Anyway, the new barn will also offer a lot more advancement for me as a rider. It is an eventing barn, so I can finally start taking dressage lessons. It's just a better choice for all kinds of reasons.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

My best friend dealt with a lot of what you're dealing with at your current barn when she boarded with a mutual "friend" of ours that I used to work for. She was constantly belittled, told she knew nothing about horses and shouldn't be allowed to own them, was told to clean all the stalls (even though I was already doing that because that was part of my job), then berated for not doing it correctly. She finally had enough and got out of there. She made the decision to get rid of her (crazy) little Arab mare and got a nice Arab gelding from the BO (same BO that now hates me for leaving). She is an amazing horsewoman, does endurance and LD, and is one of two people I would trust to ride/handle my gelding.

I'm betting that, like my best friend, you'll blossom at your new barn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sillyhorses (Sep 2, 2011)

Absolutely make the reasons behind moving about yourself and your needs - as was said, do NOT imply in any way that you are leaving because of something that was said/done/not done/etc. Unfortunately, some people can be nasty about moving horses... 

A recent lesson student was actually planning to bring their lease horse to my barn... it was owned by another boarder at the farm they were at. The lesson student told the BO they wanted to leave because BO wasn't making improvements to the facility as promised. This made BO mad, and it turned out that BO discussed this with the horse's owner (who originally was game for moving the horse to my facility), who told my student that they could not move the horse. Turned into a big scene - my recent student still transferred to my barn as a student, but they terminated the lease with the horse and cut ties with the barn entirely because of the drama. Drama that would probably have been avoided if the student just said "Hey guys... new barn is closer and more convenient/less costly for us. I will miss you, but this is a decision we had to make..." :/ 

Hope it goes well for you! Sounds like you have a good idea, and will handle it kindly, however you choose to approach the situation!


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

QuietHeartHorses said:


> The new barn will be a much better place for us. The turn out situation is better for my horse. They do small groups instead of one big, every horse for themselves herd.
> 
> Anyway, the new barn will also offer a lot more advancement for me as a rider. It is an eventing barn, so I can finally start taking dressage lessons. It's just a better choice for all kinds of reasons.


There you go! Perfect. That's all you need to say. If she tries to persuade you to stay, then all the more reason to leave.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Yep, keep it simple & about your need for lessons etc. Maybe offer to still work there a few hours while she finds someone else.


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## Chevaux (Jun 27, 2012)

I don't know if I dare say this (it has been discussed in previous threads) but...what are you thoughts on moving your horse earlier and you staying on a bit longer to give proper notice? The rationale is that 1) if things turn nasty, your horse is safe and out of the picture (think barn owner locks up and steals my horse stuff) 2) staying on shows you have no real animosity to her and helps her out until she can make other arrangements (think burning bridges stuff). 

Skyseternalangel post (#9) with exerpts of your reasons is a great way to "explain" your leave.

Good luck.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Hmmmm, more reasons for me not to board.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wyndrunner (Mar 29, 2013)

As a BM myself I always hate to see good boarders go but I understand when things are not working out as well. Things happen and circumstances change. Explaining this is a better situation for you and your horse is a great way to handle it. It is in fact a better situation. I wouldn't bring up any of the other stuff, just be matter of fact with her. It sounds like she will have animosity no matter how you handle it but this way may minimize your own anxiety.

This is the kind of thing I hate to hear about. Your time with your horse is supposed to be your and your horse's happy time, not stressful. Hoping the best for you at your new barn.


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## QuietHeartHorses (Jul 31, 2012)

Well, that's that. My BO sent me a nice nasty gram this morning about board being due on the first (I had to work yesterday, she knew this), and everyone else has their expenses taken care of, why can't I get it together, why should Riley be an exception... What a wench. Why do I work so dang hard for her then? Why am I there 3-4 days a week busting my butt to keep her barn clean and take care of her horses? For fun? Oh yeah! I'd rather clean up poop for 3 hours and take care of her animals rather than spend time with my own horse.

I was nice about it. I told her I would be leaving in two weeks, I said it would work out best for me and my horse, I would have more free time to spend with him since I wouldn't have to work, I didn't say anything hurtful, told her I'd pay half my board this month, and keep my cleaning schedule til then.

Of course, she is really mad. She wants more money from me other than a half month's board. She claims I owe for hay, but we had previously agreed I would be working for it. She also wants money for the wormer she has been giving to my horse, but it wasn't even hers to begin with. Another boarder was on the same rotation as her horses, but when she left, she told me I could have the remaining doses. So that's total crap.

My only problem is, I don't have a dang thing in writing. It's my fault for trusting this woman's word. I hate being that cynical person, I wish I could just believe that people are honest and fair. Apparently no one is. After all that I have done for her, all the hours of work above and beyond what I needed to do... It just doesn't mean anything to her. Nice to know how she really is. I kind of knew it all along though, she never appreciated me.

Ugh! So now I'm paying out the nose to make her happy, I still have to clean for two weeks, hopefully my horse will be okay and not sabotaged in any way, and all of my tack will be there when I go to pack up. 

On another note, I am so happy to move next weekend. I talked to my friend/new BO today on the phone and she is just as thrilled as me. We have known each other for years, so I know what I'm getting into there. I am looking forward to being in a positive, productive environment and being able to move on with Riley's training. Obviously, this time I will have everything in writing, down to the last, tiny, insignificant detail. Good friends or not, it's still her place of business and I'm still a customer. I'm making sure my butt is covered from now on.

Soon, it will all be over and in the past. Just wish me luck for these next two weeks. I really hope she doesn't try anything stupid. Should I be writing up an agreement for what I owe her to leave? Some kind of cost break down? Couldn't hurt, I suppose.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

When I have moved my horse, I've given the required notice, paid the amount I owed the moved early. If you're paid up in full then it doesn't matter when the horse goes really.

I'd pay up in full through whatever date you're obligated to her and I would move the horse ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Get all your gear out of there - time to give it a good cleaning. That way you're not trying to find anything she might feel she's entitled to hang on to. Of course she's mad, she's losing her barn slave. Now she'll have to do it until she can locate another.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

You don't have anything in writing and surprise, neither does she.


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## Chevaux (Jun 27, 2012)

Saddlebag said:


> You don't have anything in writing and surprise, neither does she.


A keen and useful observation, Saddlebag.


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## QuietHeartHorses (Jul 31, 2012)

Just an update.

This nightmare is almost over, thank God. I have less than a week before I am moving to the new barn, all of my tack and supplies (minus my halter, lead, and grooming tote) are there already, his stall is ready and waiting... I just have to stick it out 'til Friday. 

My soon to be old BO hasn't spoken a word to me since last Wednesday. She got what she wanted, which was FULL board (no discount for cleaning), money for hay, and money for the wormer which she claimed she would pass on to the old boarder. She sent me all kinds of awful, irate, irrational text messages until I just couldn't stand it anymore. I was trying to put together some kind of case to bargain with her, but I decided it wasn't even worth it. You can't reason with someone like her. I didn't want to make things worse, God knows what she would have tried to pull next.

So now, I'm just counting down the minutes until I can leave. I can go anytime I please, I just have to pay board at the new barn, too, and because of the astronomical bill I got from crazy pants, I can only afford to pay a prorated amount at the new place. I hope she is happy with herself. I hope she can sleep at night knowing she robbed me to the point where I won't be able to buy groceries for a month. 

She went from calling me her honorary sister and having her daughter call me Auntie... From trusting me with all of her horses, to feed them, to be there for their vet and farrier appointments when she couldn't make it... From hugging me and bawling when her mother was sick in the hospital and she had no one to turn to but me... From saying she loved me like family... 

To this. Screaming at me, demanding unfair amounts of money, threatening to take me to court, telling me I should be ashamed of myself, that I am not trustworthy, that I am hurting my horse by taking him away from his friends, that I don't care about what's good for my horse, that I used her... I'm just at a loss for words at this point. She has lost her ever loving mind. And an excellent boarder.

I am just praying that she isn't standing there breathing down my neck on Friday while we are trying to load Riley. He isn't the best when it comes to trailering, he likes to be stubborn and not get on. I don't need any more stress or distractions during that event. Luckily, my friend who is helping me is a pro, trailers to shows every weekend, works with horses of all temperaments... I'm just crossing my fingers and saying my prayers that we get out of their quickly and smoothly.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

I'm so sorry, QHH. :-/

My old BO watched from a distance when I loaded Aires to go to our new barn. Aires hadn't been trailered since he was a weanling (he'll be four on May 7), so the BO was expecting a rodeo. He was sorely disappointed when Aires hopped right on the trailer like he'd been doing it forever. My best friend said that be griped about the lack of a show for days after I left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chevaux (Jun 27, 2012)

I've always found it a great curiosity the way relationships between people happen and just as readily unhappen. I've been caught in this social turmoil as well and it is most unpleasant. I hope all goes well with the move and of course, remember we will be expecting some obligatory pictures of life at the new barn.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

When people owe someone money, somehow the loaner becomes the dirty person and gets badmouthed, either to the loaner or to everyone else within earshot. She has lost a good barn slave and now has to take on those duties. The phrase for such people is "cutting off the nose to spite the face. She is hiding behind her text messages that is why they are gibberish. Don't respond to them as it allows her to keep some control over you. I hope the next place works out better. It's best not to mention to anyone there what has happened, just that it was time to move on.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

That, my darling... is a fair weather friend.

Forget her. Don't let her get to you


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## QuietHeartHorses (Jul 31, 2012)

Yep, she has obviously already told everyone else that I am the scum of the universe. When I was there today checking on Riley, another boarder who is normally very friendly and talkative, didn't say a word to me. She didn't even look at me. Whatever, there is nothing I can do about it. I'm over it already, there is no point in feeling bad. I was more concerned about seeing my boy for the first time in a week. I missed him so much, it's been hard to go out there and spend time with him, being so pleasantly welcome at the barn and all.

I just want to fast forward to Friday! I'm sure he will walk right on, my friend is bringing her big new trailer, it's like an Escalade for horses. It's the short trailers he doesn't like. This one is big enough for warmbloods so he shouldn't have any reason to be difficult. From there, it's just settling in with the horses, and then everything can go back to normal. 

Pictures of Riley's new home will definitely be coming soon!


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