# Marriage issues =[



## LoveofOTTB (Dec 7, 2014)

Hello yall,

I am at a loss as to what to do. I love my husband so very much, but he is mentally abusive to me and right now is currently in Korea (he is active duty) We have been married for 5 years, and it seems he just keeps getting worse and worse with his treatment of me. We are constantly fighting and yelling at each other even with him being gone. The things he says to me hurt so much, and he doesn't even seem to care, or realize what he is doing hurts. I have tried to sit down and have a normal adult talk with him but whenever I do he acts like a 5 year old and ignores what I am trying to talk to him about. I have supported him in everything he has done, he is a big huge car guy, and I am ok with him spending all of his money on cars and car things. But ever since I got back into riding and bought my own horse, he is constantly telling me to sell my horse because I can not pay my bills (I was able to until he left..because he paid for most of the bills..now he wont give me anything to help with those said bills) so now I am having to sell my heart horse =[ it hurts so very much, and my horse is the only thing that makes me happy anymore. I am at a loss, my family and friends tell me to leave him, but I am scared...idk why i am scared, I guess I am scared to be alone after 5 years together. But the entire situation just is not the best. It does not help that he went away to Korea (he volunteered for this) He said he is happy to be away from me, and free from me constantly nagging at him. idk I guess I am just wanting to vent and get things off my chest, I am only 24 and I feel like I might be wasting my younger years in a marriage that isn't going anywhere anymore...We are supposed to move to the UK at the end of this year, and if I move and our marriage is still in the toliet it will be harder for me to get back home =/


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Get out, and get out now before you are trapped in another country with no support system and no way to get back home.

You cannot reason with someone who won't see reason, and you can't discuss things with someone who won't have a discussion. There are so many red flags here it might as well be a forest of them. He sounds like someone who was not and may not ever be ready for a healthy marriage.

A good man does not abandon his WIFE financially while he is in another country, nor does he tell her he's glad to be rid of her. A marriage is a team, not a battle between opposing sides. 

I'm also someone who got married and consequently divorced at a young age. I was 24 when I married my ex husband, and 29 when I divorced him. He was more concerned with his own feelings than the fact that his version of "love" hurt me so badly I literally wanted to die. 

It hurts. It hurts badly. It's one of the most stressful things I have ever experienced, but it's the way you need to go to be happier, less stressed, and more stable in your life. You are SO YOUNG and you've got so much life ahead of you that you'd be crazy to spend it with someone who treats you this poorly. That's dooming yourself to a living Hell. 

Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk to someone.


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## Sharpie (May 24, 2009)

Call his Commander. He CANNOT abandon you financially. If he is refusing to support his family like he should while stationed in Korea, you need to get the Army (or Air Force, or Navy, or Marines, etc) involved too. Talk to the Chaplain or ACS folks on base where you are currently at if there is no "rear-D" or representitive from his unit there. They can put you in touch with the right people. He is getting paid MORE (family separation pay) specifically to help mitigate and support you, and if he's not using the money to do so, that is a serious issue. The Chaplain can also put you in touch with other services to help you (financially, mentally and emotionally) and help you through this tough time so that you can make the best decisions you need to make, either to save your marriage or get a divorce. Feel free to PM me and I can find you some phone numbers to help out.

If I found out ANY of my Soldiers were doing this, I would want to know so we can make sure the family is getting the help and support they need even if the Soldier isn't doing his duty. These services exist specifically to support you as the family and spouse, but if you don't let someone know, we can't help.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Head for the hills honey as he'll accuse you of everything under the sun when he returns. The major one will be about your running around on him while he was gone. He's already obsessing on this and I'd lay dollars to donuts it will escalate to a terrible beating when he gets home. Why do you want to stay with someone who'd made it clear he doesn't want to be with you? If you stay with this man you will lose family and friends because you won't help yourself.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

He is a narcissist. This will never change, only worsen as he gets older. Unlike other mental illnesses, there is no medication. Therapy is difficult because of it. Sorry for being so blunt, but get out as fast you can. Be at an attorney's office Monday morning.


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## sarahfromsc (Sep 22, 2013)

Do what sharpie suggested, like yesterday, then movie out/on!

He won't change, and will physically hurt you.


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## Sharpie (May 24, 2009)

aubie said:


> He is a narcissist. This will never change, only worsen as he gets older. Unlike other mental illnesses, there is no medication. Therapy is difficult because of it. Sorry for being so blunt, but get out as fast you can. Be at an attorney's office Monday morning.


Agreed. JAG is free too, and I bet they can find you the right phone numbers for contacts and services too. Unfortunately your situation is all too common and they will be familiar with the needs and requirements.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

it sounds as if you BOTH will be better off apart.


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## LoveofOTTB (Dec 7, 2014)

Thanks for the support and things guys. I don't want to go to his chain of command here before I make my final decision...if i do and complain about things it will just make everything 5 million times worse. But I did the numbers tonight and even if I left him I would still have to sell my horse because until I get back on my feet I wouldn't be able to give him the care he needs =[ I don't think he would ever hit me, but who knows right? it's been a rough two weeks while I have been thinking..but if I actually think about it I have been thinking about this for a while. Our first three years were good, we moved to ND and everything started to fall apart....he HATES it here. That is why he went to korea, you always get orders somewhere new, he knew I didn't want to go back oversea's but he made sure he would get an oversea's base because he wants too. it's just a lot of him putting him before me. Yeah I am not perfect, but I try so hard to make things work..and he just doesn't seem to care. Shoot he didn't care when I had to bail off of Manhattan the other day and I landed wrong, rolled my ankle and gave myself a stress fracture in my shin. He didn't ask how I was doing or anything..just ignored it.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

You may love him but pretty soon you won't love or even like yourself if you keep putting up with his abuse and then it will be harder to leave. Do it now while he is gone and can't get into your head as easily. 

My first husband was like this (isn't it funny how they can control it when you're dating?) and it only took me 7 months to have more than enough of his crap. Five years is really going above and beyond in trying to make it work. Don't think of it as giving up on your marriage and instead think in terms of making yourself a happier, healthier, and stronger person.


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

I was in a very similar situation with my ex bf. He moved to a different state. He gave me a promise ring before he left. But once he left things changed. I believe he had some sort of mental break down, as looking back he was clearly unstable.

I could either move to be with him or we were over. He didn't want to commit and told me he didn't want a family, along with other hurtful things. Then I found out he was already involved with someone else.

He is now married to that other person. So much for "not wanting a family or children". Apparently I was not the person he wanted to be with.

You are younger than I am. Get out while you can and don't waste any more time with him. There were tons of red flags in our relationship before it ended. I wish I had noticed the signs earlier. Sometimes I think he only stayed with me for as long as he did because it was convenient. In other words he was using me until someone "better" came along.

If he is unhappy being with you, serving overseas is his way of getting away from life with you. Just as my bf did when he moved away. 

I don't know why men can't just be honest and say they are unhappy and want out. Instead they make your life hell until you break up with them. That way you become the bad guy and they are the victim. 

Somehow all our mutual friends became convinced I was this terrible person...basically someone in his family died (that he didn't even know) and I was this terrible person for breaking things off at that moment. Really, how upset can you be about someone's death if you only met them once a decade ago?

Although that probably shouldn't have been a surprise as he always bragged about how easy it was to manipulate people...

I was young, as you are. Most people are not prepared for these situations until they happen. You will learn from these experiences and hopefully the next person you are with will be a better match.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

This should work. Put on good walking shoes and go for a walk. Keep going farther from where you live and don't start back until you begin to feel tired. Only then do you turn for home. You will find a new clarity of thinking which will provide you with some answers. Your horse will be fine on a farm until you are settled in elsewhere. It will be quite happy ambling about eating grass. Sometimes I walked for 5 hrs and knew exactly what I had to do when I got home.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

You may still love your husband .... But marriage is about both people being happy. You are clearly not happy and that's not right. While one could argue that he is having mental problems because of what he is being exposed to in the military, but it still doesn't give him the right to take it out on you. 

It sounds like you have attempted to talk with him and he refuses to talk, or even acknowledge the bad situation. If the other person can't "see the light", well as the saying goes, you can lead s horse to water but you can't make him drink. 

I just want to wish you good luck. Do what it takes to make YOU happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

I understand that selling your horse will hurt and be horrible. But don't let a horse be the reason you stay in a deeply unhappy situation. Pets and children both depend on those who take care of them to take care of themselves, and if you do not take care of yourself and your own needs, how can you care for your horse's needs? 

I know it is not the same, but I had a dog that was my one bright spot during my divorce- one of the few things that kept me sane and helped me keep going. But I eventually had to find her a new home because that was what was best for the both of us - I couldn't afford the time or money to care for a dog when I had nobody to help me, and she needed companionship and things I couldn't give her. It broke my heart into a million pieces to give her up, and I cried the entire way down and the entire way home after dropping her off (I gave her to a breed rescue organization and had to drive 2 hours to their location)- but you do what you have to do to survive. 

Your survival is paramount over all else in this.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

It sounds like there are multiple problems in this marriage. 

Besides respect, which is a major one, your communication seems to have fallen apart, your financial situation seems unstable and it doesn't seem like you're on the same page. 

Whether you want to end it or you're willing to try to work through it you need to start making decisions now that can offer you choices further down the track. 

First, I think, is to become financially more independent so you have more choices. Maybe finding some sort of part time job or something? I'm not sure what you're situation is but even in a relationship its still good to have some funds that you feel are yours, earned by you, to do with as you wish. 

While he's overseas, just don't fight. It's hard not to engage but it becomes easier with practice. You can always just say you have to go, and hang up the phone. If the conversation goes somewhere that isn't going to be pleasant, then steer it elsewhere, or finish up the call. 

Relationships are so hard and they are even harder to comment on because they are so complex and individual and the picture that you are painting for us here, while completely real and truthful and relevant to you, could be very different to someone else's perspective.

After three years of a great marriage that you are both so unhappy is showing there are some pretty major problems neither of you are dealing with. If he is abusive and horrible then it probably isn't worth continuing, but if you're just both miserable and stuck and can't see a way out, and the aggression comes from there, then it can be helpful to go and see some sort of relationship counsellor. 

With the horse... horses come and go. You need to take care of you. See if you can part lease or fully lease out the horse to cover its costs. Or even see if you can put him out in some sort of cheap, low care situation that you, or perhaps a family member, can help cover the cost of until you get back on your feet. I've seen places from $15 - $20 a week where you can just turn your horse out, they check the herd daily, otherwise you just kind of leave them for a while. That, along with hoof care is still a pretty low cost. 

If you do need to sell, know that there is no such thing as the "one" horse that is perfect for you and can never be replaced. You'll find another horse you love.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Did your post get cut off? I didn't see where you mentioned anything good about this man or this relationship.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

My heart goes out to you, what an awful situation.

I like saddlebags idea of walking, clarity. I run from my problems, literally. I'll run till I can't run anymore and then sometimes I'll sit on a field, or on a bench and just gather my thoughts. Sometimes there are tears, but in the end I feel ten times better.

Do you have friends or family you could stay with?

As hard as it is, horses are a luxury item and under no circumstances should you stay with this abusive creature for a horse. That sounds horrible, but there is a time in everyone's life where they have to put their big girl pants on and think of number one only...you.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

uou were only nineteen when you married - way to young. Never makes sense to me that in the U.S. you can we'd at sixteen but not drink alcohol until twenty one! 

When I look back at the lads I was 'in love' with in my teens I am glad I had other interests ahead of marriage. 

You say you are in love with your husband - why? According to the rest of your post he is mentally abussive, you cannot talk to him and he wants his boys toys but you cannot have yours. One word sums that up - selfish. 

Walk away as soon as you can. Become an independent woman, support yourself, like yourself, learn to enjoy your own company and be confident and secure in yourself. Then and only then go looking for romance.

It is so easy to fall in love with being in love, no doubt you ignored the small signals of his true character when courting, either because you didn't want to see them or, because you were under the misconception that he would change once you were married. 

If there are no children then you can sever all ties with him and walk away with your head held high.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

What would you do if he left you? You'd find a way to get by & move on.
He sounds like one of those guys who once they get married they think they own you & that you have to put up with whatever he wants. You don't. Oh, he'll cry, carry on & promise all kinds of things to keep you but it will be all an act.
I've never been married but I've gone through a few 'divorces' for sure. I even have a divorce lawyer who doesn't charge me because he enjoys my situations. While breakups are always hard they aren't the end of the World.

You're really in a pretty easy spot as far as splitting up goes. You don't have kids, hopefully no huge credit card debt & he's gone so much you'll hardly miss him. 

There are good guys out there but they shouldn't be an answer to your life problems. Get yourself on solid ground then find a man who will enhance your life, not be your life.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

This is one of the most influential articles I have ever read since my divorce, and it gave me a lot of clarity:

Love Is Not Enough


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## 4hoofbeat (Jun 27, 2013)

I was in a similar situation, I was in a marriage with a man who threatened to shoot my horse because I spent more time at the barn than at home. which really I was home more than he was. I won't go into all the details, anyway... 

I was worried sick I wouldn't be able to afford to keep my horse let alone support myself and the kids.

When we divorced, I found a cheaper place and my food budget was cut in half. But I kept my horse, moved him to a cheaper barn. I felt so relieved and so free after the divorce. It was like this huge weight was lifted off of me, even tho I had to struggle financially,I got a small part time job on top of a full time one for a while. that emotional burden / stress was gone.


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## lsdrider (Jun 27, 2012)

Coming from the other side of the gender gap with two divorces under my belt:

Life's too short to deal with a--holes (and cheaters, I had one of each). For whatever reason, whether he always was one or just became one ain't matter, it sounds like time to say good-bye and get on with your life. 

You were (are) young, chalk it up as a lesson and become independent. 

Learn to go do things on your own - shopping, travel, fishing, riding, etc. Don't let social forces (culture, family, church, marketing, friends, "love", etc.) screw things up! 

Rid your life of boat anchors (A.K.A. people and things that aren't fun) and proactively keep it that way. And that may include horses.

And for God sakes don't "we tried to work through it" and bring a kid into the mess!


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## LoveofOTTB (Dec 7, 2014)

Thank you again everyone for the advice. This really all helps, he doesn't want to have kids with me, so that is one thing that will never happen between us. After I ignored him for a week, he finally tried to talk to me..wasn't the best of talk and well we really didn't talk. I did get it out and told him how unhappy and upset I was, but I think this is a talk we will have to have face to face (He comes home in a month for just the month and than he goes back) I have put Manhattan up for sale, as much as it kills me, but I DO have my own job, just all of my money goes to bills. My family is telling me to get out as well, and my mother has offered to fly here and help me move, drive me back home. I have been thinking, and thinking really hard, but if (when) I do decide to leave him, I want to tell him to his face..not over a web cam. I was young when I got married, I thought he was amazing and so nice when we were dating and the first year or so of us being together was AMAZING. I have no clue where it went wrong, but it did. I think I am just scared of being a lone and a lot of the what if's and but's that come with putting my heart and soul into this marriage and man for 5 years. It is very scary to me, and makes me so nervous. I am trying to keep my head up, but it gets hard sometimes, it also makes it harder that I have a rommate I am living with while he is gone..so I am in a lease for the next year (his name is on it as well..one of the few things..) and if we do get a divorce I don't want to leave her high and dry. She was dating one of our friends that went to Korea as well..the instant he got over there (and we moved in together) he broke up with her..So I feel like I am kinda stuck.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Tell him face to face on the way to the airport.


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## Horseychick87 (Feb 5, 2014)

As everyone has said, it's probably best if you leave him.

I see you have a roommate who was left. The two of you, if you get along well enough could find a place to rent together to help ease the burden a place to live will cause. This also helps with food and utilities of course. (You likely already know this, but I wanted to mention it all the same.)


My mom was in a abusive relationship with my dad, at first it was 'just' mental, but it escalated to physical abuse as well. It wasn't until he threatened to kill her and had a knife in his hand that she finally fled the marriage as best she could.
Unfortunately he would never sign the divorce papers and now she is a widow. (He died about 5 years ago now.)

He did clean up his act after she left, despite that she refused to go back to him and rightly so. I was 7 years old when she finally left. I saw 7 years of what she went through and swore I would never let myself get into the same kind of situation. I hate to see other people go through the same thing as she did.

I know I've mentioned it many times before, but I'll say it again. Look into donating plasma, you can donate twice a week, every week, and make around $200 per month. It may not seem like a lot, but it adds up over time and can help ease your financial stress some. It also helps people in need of transfusion, so not only do you make some money, but you are helping others. This could be a good way to help with moving expenses or a divorce lawyer if you need one.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

My goodness girl, quit looking for excuses to not leave. You want to tell him face to face? Why, so maybe he can punch your lights out? Or leaving the roommate high and dry. If you're not on the lease then it's not your issue, it's his. That's how the law works. Shake your head girl. Pack up and go. If you wait until you can tell him face to face, and you survive, the judge won't look favourably on you, possibly trying to stir trouble, when a web cam would have worked.


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## MaximasMommy (Sep 21, 2013)

You're trying to please everyone, and sacrificing your sanity and happiness to do it. Your husband is going to be fine without you, your room mate is going to be fine without you. Even your horse is going to be fine without you. 

I highly recommend researching codependency, and temporarily freeing yourself from all of these relationships. Travel if you can! There is a big amazing world out there, much bigger than this little quicksand/marsh/snowball you're drowning in. 

I always thought it would be interesting to work on a cruise ship ...

Or... being a working student a fancy barn...


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Ask yourself if you want to do this for 5 more years, if so, then get use to it. If not, get out. Personally, I wouldn't sell my horse, I would find a way.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

Listen to your mother - she's offering you a way out of this so take it and move on
Forget about talking face to face with him - he doesn't care enough to warrant the effort and if he's faced with the prospect of living in the UK without a wife to lean on he's almost certainly going to try to sweet talk you with lots of promises to change so you'll go with him
He won't change, that sort never do.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

I have been married almost 36 years. What you described there in your first post, is not conducive to a long, happy marriage. If he doesn't support you and make you feel good about yourself, you can't do the same for him, there's nothing there. End it now before you have children that don't deserve to be brought into an unhappy home. Moms are always right, listen to yours.


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## Tazzie (Nov 8, 2011)

waresbear said:


> I have been married almost 36 years. What you described there in your first post, is not conducive to a long, happy marriage. If he doesn't support you and make you feel good about yourself, you can't do the same for him, there's nothing there. End it now before you have children that don't deserve to be brought into an unhappy home. Moms are always right, listen to yours.


I totally agree with this. A lot of your post had me cringing. Sure, my husband and I have only been married about 4 years, but it is nothing like you've said here. My husband has his hobby, I have mine. He willingly helps me with mine because where I ride no one else does (friend's barn), so he hangs out with me while I ride (I refuse to ride alone, even before my accident) and helps me haul my horse to shows. He hunts pretty much every season they have, and goes often. When money has gotten tight, he figures out ways to earn more or we just get a bit frugal. NEVER has he brought up selling my horse.

The fact your husband chooses to be as far away from you as possible, and refuses to support you financially, really speaks volumes. I'd get out, and I'd get out now. Don't wait till he comes home. Take that out your mom is offering, and go. It'll only be worse when he comes stateside again. You have no kids together. I'd get a post office box or something for him to mail things to, and not let him know where your location is. He sounds like he could escalate to physical abuse, and I wouldn't want him to know where you are to inflict bodily harm.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

LoveofOTTB said:


> I want to tell him to his face..not over a web cam.


Why? 

He hasn't talked to you before; what makes you think he will talk then? 

I'd shoot him an email and pack my stuff and leave. It is very nice of you to think that you should do this face-to-face, but in all reality he has made zero effort toward communication and the relationship. I wouldn't waste one more second on him. 

Good luck.


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## lsdrider (Jun 27, 2012)

You'll be suprised how easy it is to get though "tough times" than it is to deal with a truelly e'fd up marriage. 

Even if it means owning a horse becomes a short term goal, the weight off your shoulders is priceless.

BTDT


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Beau has said all I was going to say. 

To be truthful, I would just pack and leave without even sending an email or telling him. Let him figure it out and come find me - then I would tell him and I wouldn't hold back or change my mind.


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## Woodhaven (Jan 21, 2014)

I didn't read all the posts but I want to tell you that I was married to someone like your husband for 26 years and it was a complete waste of 26 years of my life.
I can assure you it will NEVER get any better only worse. You owe it to yourself to end this relationship and make a new begining. There is a better life out there waiting for you, go and find it. 
Just be really careful when you meet a new man. I did meet someone and he is so wonderful, so generous and kind, he supports me and my horse habit without any complaint.

There will be someone like that for you as well, go find him and don't waste any more time on the looser like I did.


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## sarahfromsc (Sep 22, 2013)

My not very nice ex went to work one day. I packed up a six month old and a two year old, their toys , and some clothes and moved two states away with the help of my wonderful brothers. I had no job, no car, just a place to live with my mother.

I didn't tell him face to face. Thought I would get shot. In fact, I threw all ammunition and the guns in the woods before packing, just in case he came home.

Gave away my horse and all tack to the owner where I boarded him.

Your husband doesn't deserve the courtesy of being told face to face. In fact, a letter from your divorce attorney would be the best, no nonsense way of telling him your intentions.


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