# Why Am I Lazy, Unmotivated, Unprioritized, and Never Follow Through



## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I guess I'm here looking for explanations or ideas and help as to why I am.

I'm in college for communication studies. I'm 20 and do deal with depression and anxiety. I live at home still, am planning on moving out for the fall semester. Tried once and moved back home because of a depressive/anxiety-ridden breakdown. 

Last semester, I was extremely depressed and had a lot of anxiety. I flunked two of my classes, one because I didn't understand or want to understand, the other because I never attended.  

I'm still struggling to follow through on assignments this semester, even though I am much better on the depression/anxiety front. I don't want to read, I don't want to sit through class, I don't want to do homework. Homework is like I'm stabbing my eyeballs, I get fidgety in class, and reading makes me feel anxious. 

I also have a really hard time getting stuff done at home. I'm very flaky and forget what I was doing a lot, forget where I put things, lose things, and lose track of time. 

I'm also disorganized, have trouble getting up in the morning, want to sleep all the time, and am extremely irresponsible. I don't help out at home much, am pretty messy, and really struggle with establishing routine and doing things repetitively. I'm also constantly doing last-minute things and running late.

I *want* to do better. I feel really bad about all of this, but I don't know what to do. My older relatives on my mom's side think I'm a screw up. They think poorly of me because I'm lazy and don't help out, rightly so. I don't want to be like that. I want to accomplish so many things, but I don't accomplish much at all. I want to do well in school and get my master's in counseling because I know that's what I'm supposed to do in my life, but I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the semester. 

When I have free time, I sleep, read, watch tv, or am on Internet. I see this as a habit that I need to break. I do go out and ride my horses if the weather is nice, but starting up on that is even a chore. I dread going out to do chores morning and night, but I love my horses so much. I feel like I am so messed up! I don't know what's wrong with me, because I know I should do these things, but I just can't make myself do them, if that makes any sense.

I'm tired of people teasing me about being forgetful and losing things or leaving stuff behind or being scatterbrained or not paying attention. My mom and dad always get after me for not putting things in a certain place all the time, and while this is a valid point, sometimes I don't even know I've put something down! 

I'm really scared about moving out because I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself. I know how to do all the things I need to do, but I'm really afraid I will neglect to follow through. 

I know part of this is probably that I was spoiled as a child and teen. Not that this is any of my parents' fault, it's all mine, but that's my insight I guess.

When I get called lazy or irresponsible, I do feel really bad and wish I wasn't the way I am. I just don't know how to make myself change. I know I have good qualities going for me, but I feel as if I am so flawed because of this and really am afraid that I will screw up my entire life. 

I will add that the one place where I do not have this problem is at work at the grocery store I have worked at for four years. I am on the ball, accurate, do my job, etc. Everyone there really thinks highly of me. I just feel bad because they don't really know the real me. I do still struggle with organization and being scatterbrained, but it's not nearly as bad, and I think my coworkers actually find it rather endearing, oddly enough.

I wish I could convey, again, how much this truly bothers me. I want to be that person that wakes up at 6 in the morning, has the best-taken-care-of animals, has a tidy home, is known for being driven, is known for being organized, a planner, and can be relied on. I just don't know how. 

When people chastise me for this flaw, I feel pretty worthless and ungrateful. It's not like I don't give a care to the world that I'm this way. I really do. It's just starting to become a major problem, and I need help with it. I don't think my parents really understand how I feel about all of it, and they see only the objective. "I just can't do it" is not an appropriate response for them, and I know it shouldn't be.

Any ideas? I'm tired of struggling with this and wish I had enough motivation to do instead of wish.


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## disastercupcake (Nov 24, 2012)

Number one, at least you are aware of and want to change your situation! There are so many people in your situation that are either not aware of it and/or just dont care. Acknowldging your problem is a big first step in finding the solution. 

Second, like breeds like. If you decide to make a change, really mean it. If you decide on something, follow through every single time. Get up and do the thing you said you'd do. Next time it will be easier. After that, you'll actually look for things to do.

Also, what is your diet like? Do you exercise besides riding? For energy and fatigue, I'd recommend a B-complex. This is also very good at alleviating anxiety and depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

My diet = no Buenos. I'm trying to eat better and cut more sugar out of my diet. For breakfast, I usually eat cereal. I've been trying really hard to find healthier alternatives to the sugary cereal. Right now, I really like Fiber One cereals and Special K cereals. Anything "Oats and Honey" really speaks to me.

I tend to really fail at lunch. School serves the same old, same old, so I either eat a very light lunch of yogurt and a banana with maybe a candy bar, or I will eat their meat and cheese croissants (one), usually if it's turkey, ham, or bacon with American or any other cheese besides Swiss. Many have veggies on them. If I'm at work, I only usually get a 15 minute break, so I get Pizza Rolls. *fail* I do usually get a light Yoplait yogurt and banana with that, but still...

For dinner, I sometimes skip it because I'm hungry but nothing sounds good but sweets, or I'll have a ham and cheese sandwich or peanut butter sandwich. I usually eat an Activia yogurt with that. Sometimes, I'll have pizza, casserole, or macaroni and cheese. 

My sweet really gets the better of me though. Really. I have been trying really hard not to eat the donuts at the grocery store because they are SO BAD. Right now, I'm on a chocolate covered strawberry trip. Other guilty pleasures include sour candy, ice cream, popsicles, pudding, fruit snacks, or graham crackers and milk. I also LOVE anything Little Debbie, so I try to avoid buying those. O.O 

Exercising = another thing I would like to change. I do not have an exercise routine nor have I even been riding consistently this winter (Iowa weather...yuck). I have been trying to get on the treadmill a little bit, but there's a lot of improvement needed there. I do walk quite a bit at the university - it's very large in size. I'm sure this doesn't mean much, but I also do quite a bit of box lifting/shelf stocking stuff at work, so at least I am moving around. But besides that? No. I really need to work on strength, flexibility, and stamina.

I'll try out that B-complex. :-D 

I'm on 20mg of Celexa and actually added Wellbutrin to my medications because I am lethargic, thinking it might help. I'm on 300mg and am not seeing a difference. I would like to try changing my medication, but it's always such a pain. Side effects and such. Last time, my psychiatrist had me cease the Celexa immediately (been on it for a year or so) and introduce the Wellbutrin. The next week, I was a complete wreck. Panic attacks off and on for two days, mood swings, crying spells...so I got back on the Celexa. That stopped, but the Wellbutrin never did anything.


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## disastercupcake (Nov 24, 2012)

Well one for absolutely certain is that if you improve your diet, everything else will follow  it is simply amazing what nutrition can do for you. I devoted my professional life to it- i absolutely beleive in it! If you devote yourself to just one small improvement a week, you will feel so much better in no time at all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Sorry, addition; walking really is a fantastic exercise. That combined with a bit of strength training and stretching will do wonders. This gets all the blood flowing and moves lymph- really good for maintenance.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

Remember you are human. It sounds like you're expecting yourself to be perfect overnight. When I think about all the things I have/want to do, I get overwhelmed and have a hard time doing anything. My therapist reminds me, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Take baby steps and focus on one thing at a time--and celebrate small wins. It does sound like you might need some medication adjustment. I feel your pain. I HATE adjusting the meds, but when I find something that works, I'm so much better off. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Koolio (Apr 7, 2010)

It sounds like you need to see someone about both your physical and your mental health and that you need to make a reasonable written plan to help you do and achieve what you want. To start, go see your doctor for a complete physical to rule out or treat anything hormonal. Also discuss all of the medications you are on and find out what the interactions and side effects are. Tell you doctor about your food cravings and how you feel. I would avoid adding anything extra to the mix (like vitamin B) until you have talked to your doctor. 

Once you know where you are physically, go see a counsellor who can help you find some achievable strategies to get you through. If you are going to university, the school may have these services available. If you can, find someone you can see on a regular basis. That person should help you identify the few things you want or need to change first and then help you to assemble a plan to do so. 

It sounds like your depression and anxiety are not being effectively treated. On top of that, your body is struggling to get what it needs and more importantly, you are expecting an awful lot of yourself. Slow things down and tackle one small thing at a time. Take the time to acknowledge your successes, even the smallest ones, like going for a walk or eating a healthy meal. When you feel you have failed, go back to your plan and review what you want to do and why.

While you are waiting for these appointments try writing down how you feel or what you want in a diary or journal. Do it daily and look for patterns. Print what you wrote in the beginning of this thread and have that to show your doctor or counsellor how you feel. It will help them help you and writing things down will help you organize and own your thoughts. 

Your asking for help here indicates to me that you really do want help and want to changes. Get quality help from someone who is well trained and can identify and sort out any physical issues that might be contributing. I wish you the very best. Don't go at this alone.


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## alexischristina (Jun 30, 2009)

Schedule, list and prioritize.

I find that a tidy house + room = a tidy mind. Am I ever motivated to get up and clean? Of course not. Granted my 'laziness' doesn't stem from depression or anxiety but from loading my plate with way too many responsibilities but the solution can be similar. Make a schedule, put it on your wall and plan out your day. Get up, do chores, go to school, do homework, finish chores, relax. _Schedule time to do nothing._ Because if you don't you'll overwhelm yourself. At the start of the day (or the night before) write a list of everything you want to accomplish during the day- include stupid things like remembering to eat breakfast, take a shower, etc. I find that seeing a list half crossed off that I'm more motivated to finish everything else. But remember that you're not trying to pack your days full of stuff, you're just trying to get the things done that you need to get done.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks you guys, I sure appreciate it. 

I do see a counselor for my depression and anxiety. We were doing once a week, but we have gone to two or three week intervals because I have not had a lot of anxiety and am basically happy. I know I need to bring this up to my counselor, and now with the feedback here I realize that now. Before, I was just so ashamed of it - that and the failing of my two classes. :-/ 

And you guys are right too that I need to write this stuff down and organize my thoughts before my counseling session. Yes. 

I do have a few other physical issues that I have mentioned to my doctor before, a lot of them surrounding my menstrual cycles. I get night sweats a week or two before my period every night. I'll wake up in a cold sweat. This time around, though, I'm having them every single night after a weird dream. I am not getting my period soon. They just never stopped after my period this time. I also used to get sick before my periods - not stomachaches, but sore throats and high fevers and colds that would disappear a day or two after my period started. I've also been very irregular my entire life. I also have bad acne breakouts that are uncontrollable before my periods.

My doctor has tested my thyroids more than once with normal findings, as well as doing a panel, even for things like leukemia or lymphoma. 

I also easily get low blood sugar sometimes but am not diabetic. Haven't been diagnosed with anything.

My dermatologist has me starting birth control after my next period to hopefully get rid of the acne and to balance out my hormones. Hope that works.

Maybe tomorrow I will see if I can schedule a physical. Haven't had one in quite a while anyway.

As far as my medications go, I think I need to start seeing a different medical provider other than my psychiatrist. I have never been comfortable with him, and he always makes me feel like a worse person when I walk out of his office. He is not open-minded and comes off rather arrogant. I may not have a PhD, but I know myself. I was referred there because he knew antidepressants better than my primary caregiver. There are two other psychiatrists in the area, but neither of them are recommended...actually, it's just the opposite. :S

Is there anyway that this could possibly be ADD? I went to see a psychologist a while ago for what they call an interview, and he said the only thing he might test me for is ADD. I brought this up to my psychiatrist, who quickly dismissed it and said that my lack of attentiveness was due to "being upset" all the time with my depression and anxiety. I don't know what to believe. Hate doctors!!


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## Darrin (Jul 11, 2011)

I happen to be forgetful myself and this is how I deal with it. Start carrying around a medium sized notebook with you, one that is big enough to write down what you need but not so big it's always in the way. Right down everything you are suppose to do that day in the morning and check them off when they are done. Of course, add to the list as needed. /sigh my biggest problem now is remembering where I set the darn thing down...


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## SullysRider (Feb 11, 2012)

Stop beating yourself up! I've been through similar things dealing with depression from a verbally abusive father. Focus on the positive things, about your day, about yourself. Do you know what causes your depression? Is it your anxiety or verbal abuse from someone? For me what helped was getting out of the house, getting away from my father and to have a "reset" period. I was better able to handle my father after that. Maybe you need the sane thing, a chance to break the cycle, go somewhere new, get a chance to reset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dehda01 (Jul 25, 2013)

The first step to affixing a problem is to acknowledge it.... That said, I tend to be the same way especially when stressed, and like Darrin, keep a small notebook in my pocket at work and at home. Make lists of what needs to be done, and I can't stop til I have followed through. I also have to pencil in downtime so I can reboot


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, just looking at it objectively, you said you are on your game at your job. And, from your description, not at home/studies. One environment is structured with clear objectives, the other is "up to you", I am guessing. So, maybe you are not so much lazy and irresponsible as you are in need of structure and motivation. In a structured environment, apparently, you focus on what you are doing and do it well. So, you "can" focus. 

I misplace things when I am thinking about something else. I'll use some article, have it in my hand, and set it down w my mind somewhere else. If I am focused on the here and now, I put it back where it belongs or take note of where I placed it.

You used the word "failed" when talking about having moved out, and back in. That isn't a "failure". It simply didn't work out. And, people at your job _do_ know the "real you" _at a job_. No one is he same at their job and home. Taking responsibility for your actions is admirable, but it doesn't require that keep track of every error you have ever made and define yourself accordingly.


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## Koolio (Apr 7, 2010)

OP - you asked if this could possibly be ADD. Unfortunately, nobody on this board is qualified to give you an answer and it isn't going to be productive for you to try to self diagnose. Please go and get a physical and try to resolve some of the physics issues and see your counsellor. It sounds like you are struggling with hormones for certain, but that could mean many things. Again, nobody here is qualified to say. You need a thorough check up with a doctor and possibly another referral to a psychiatrist who is willing to coordinate with your medical doctor and your counsellor. If you are not happy with your relationship with your current psychiatrist, finding someone else may help.

It is good advice to write down your feelings and to keep a written schedule for yourself. Adding this simple structure to your life will not hurt. 

Know that things will get better and that you CAN do this with the proper supports.


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## wild_spot (Jan 30, 2008)

Oh wow. I swear you just described me. I thought I was the only one!! 

I'll write a longer reply tonight after work - but you are definitely not alone. I have also thought it may be ADD but haven't been game to go to a doctor about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Again, I really appreciate the replies. It gives me a lot to think about from a different perspective, and it's so much easier opening up about this stuff sometimes when people don't actually know you...for the objective, you know? I feel like I can just be me and put it out there.

*(OFF TOPIC CONVERSATION)
*
I've had a rather long history with depression and anxiety. I've always been a nervous Nellie, but one day in 9th grade, my BFF came to school complaining that she had been vomiting the night before. BOOM. It is like something in my head just went off, and for the next four years, I had a very severe phobia of vomiting. From there, I completely derailed in a year and lost 20 pounds from not eating (for fear of vomiting) that I didn't need to lose, had suicidal thoughts, was afraid every second of my life, and pretty much completely lost it. My grades dropped, and then I started antidepressants. So, at that point, my depression was from my anxiety.

My junior year went smoothly, but my senior year was poor. I failed two college classes because I stopped working on them when I spiraled into a really deep depression where only my job made me happy. I still had that phobia, but it wasn't as bad. From there, I tried to move to college but stayed no longer than an hour after a massive panic attack and admitting that I was not ready to move out. I had just shoved the thought out of my mind until I was faced with it because everyone wanted and expected me to move out and go to school. But, I went home, kept working, and went to the community college. 

My freshman year of college was not great, and I was pretty anxiety ridden. I tried new medications my spring semester but was still depressed and nearly flunked statistics.

My sophomore year of college I really blossomed, and I felt that for once in forever things were going tremendously well. I had all A's and one C that semester and found my best friend. I was chatty, outgoing, and felt as if I finally had a purpose. My spring semester was even better as I was more on the ball with homework. I even was able to attempt to forge a romantic relationship. I graduated with my AA, maintained a 3.5 GPA for that year, and a 3.1 for my college career. The romantic relationship ended very poorly, as I had been very naïve, but I picked myself up and was fine.

This past summer, I made the decision to pursue a bachelor's degree in journalism at a university and to move in with my best friend and her roommate and quit my job. I spent a week at the apartment before I went home because my BFF and the other roommate were fighting, my depression spiked, and I was feeling very anxious. I went home for a weekend and could not go back. I was having massive panic attacks where I could not stop trying, I tried to hurt myself with scissors, had thoughts about drinking Windex, the works. I moved home but commute 5x a week an 1 1/2 one way to the university. I was depressed, my anxiety came back, and I flunked two classes. My psychiatrist added Wellbutrin, it didn't help and I literally went off the grid for a few days (scary!), but I made it through that semester.

I decided to stay home again this semester with my horses and attend school 3x a week and pick a major that was less stressful. I also made the decision to go back to my part-time job here at home on my off days, and it's been my outlet where I feel confident, accomplished, wanted, outgoing, etc. At school, I have trouble talking to people in general. I just feel as if I do not have enough energy to talk to anyone, even for a moment. I hate working in groups, class makes me tired, and I spend my hours in between trying to do online homework sometimes or write my blog. I hang out with my BFF (we worked things out), and while sometimes we connect so well, other times I feel like I'm "not worthy" of the friendship or something, like she's got so many things going for her and all these pretty cool friends who do fairly normal college student activities...and then there's me. 

Usually, I'm pretty okay with myself. I know everyone has their insecurities at times, and I'm not really ashamed of too many things about myself. This is one of those things I'm extremely ashamed about and embarrassed by. Someone on here told me once in a different thread when I was going through a lot of anxiety and depression issues that I need to just transform into an adult from a teenager, and people sometimes act a little oddly towards me because I refuse to make that transition. And yeah, I kind of took that to heart and wondered why I couldn't do that. And I still feel like that. 

Yikes, this is making me all emotional now....  

Anyway, umm...someone discussed verbal abuse with depression. My family is a little weird, and some of that probably contributes to the way I feel. It's one of those things where a part of me might be better off if I could make the cut and move out.

My dad is 68, and we've never been that close. He's the biggest worrywart there ever was and tries to control what I do if, in his mind, he thinks it's dangerous, even though I am 20. A lot of the things he says are very negative, and he often lumps me in with my brother, who I really don't want to be like. You never know what his mood is going to be depending on the day, and in my "lazy" acts, he does say some pretty negative things. 

My brother is 13 and has a lot of issues. He's always been that kid that's been hard to raise. He's extremely defiant and shows a lot of Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) tendencies, as well as some ADHD ones. He really has no boundaries, and you literally have to force him to do things. He stays up late, and my mom yells at him, he won't wake up for school, and my parents yell at him. He constantly squeezes the cats to where they are uncomfortable and pick them up my their legs. He kicks at my dog. He says mean things, is very disrespectful, and gets his kicks out of making the lives of the people around him miserable. He can be a little violent if provoked. He is a full time and a half job for my mom. My dad can't stand him and tries to avoid him quite a bit.

My mom won't change. She refuses to set boundaries and tries to kill him with kindness. She never follows through with her reinforcement, so my brother knows he can walk all over her. 

Up until last year, I had a huge problem with feeling like I was lacking attention from my parents, which had been going on since my brother was born (7 years apart), but really manifested when I started going through my mental health problems. My parents attend every football game and wrestling match my brother has. My mom would participate in every activity he was in - she goes to all his 4H meetings and is practically a leader, she was a Boy Scout leader when he joined, and she went out on all the campouts. She goes on all the youth group things with him. Basically, she can't leave him behind. 

Meanwhile, I was struggling because my parents never showed that amount of support in a lot of my life events. They came to all of my school-facilitated events, but never to my outside-school events, the ones that mattered most to me. They rarely came to my riding lessons, they weren't crazy about attending my horse shows, they never offered to come to any of my youth group events, etc. 

If I got alone time with my mom, it was very rare and short-lived. She always insisted on bringing my brother along because he and my dad butt heads. And I started refusing to go if he went, and that made her very upset because I was supposed to treat him like an equal and spend time with him. 

When I turned 18, a lot of that got worse, maybe because they saw I hit "adult" status and thought I should need less attention. The only support they provided to my horse stuff was a nice trailer and hay. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate that, but I wanted them to come to my riding lessons and record me sometimes. No interest. They didn't even attend my weeklong horse show this last summer (which was okay, because I did really poorly anyway lol). I tried to explain to them that I wanted their support in attending some of these events, but my dad got really mad at me and told me how ungrateful I was for the monetary support. 

I wanted to go on vacation. We never could because of my brother or my dad. My mom would not leave my brother at home with my dad for more than a day trip because it wasn't fair to him. 

Whenever he got A's in school, he got compliments, new toys, whatever because it wasn't expected. I think a lot of my problems with not having the self-esteem was the fact that they just expected me to get A's...because, well, I did. They expected me to behave in public, because I did. So whenever I had bad moments, it was like they were magnified. And then my dad would compare me to my brother, and I really, really don't want to be like him. 

My mom's relatives are like that with my brother, too. They talk to him, think it's cool he's out for sports, praise him for the good...but whenever he does the bad, which is quite often, they don't say anything.

They think my hobbies are a waste of time and money, they think I need to help out a lot more (and my brother helps out equally as much as I do, so not a lot), and they are quick to criticize me, if they talk to me farther than hello. To be honest, I drive separate to family functions because, to me, it feels like I attend to make an appearance, watch carefully what I say about myself, others, and situations (so not talk...hard for me), get criticized or smart comments about myself, and then leave when I can no longer handle it. And then they always make a comment about me wasting gas when I drive separate. They know they do it, my grandma told me that, and they know how it makes me feel, but they continue to do it. 

When I tell my parents how it makes me feel, they say I take it too personally. So then I feel like I'm too sensitive. 



I know this is completely off topic offtopic, but I can't believe how much I needed to get this out. I had a good day today, but I'm crying now as I write this. So thanks for just reading that.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

*ON TOPIC - *

I can't help but be hard on myself. I feel like this is more important than any other quality for some reason. I'm pretty smart, I have great tact, I am a deep thinker with many great ideas, I'm kind, friendly, I'm not ugly, I'm a good writer when I want to be, etc. 

But I feel like I will never succeed in life without getting rid of this problem first. 

I do like structure a lot. Maybe that is why I do well at the grocery store. Very few people ever have a bad thing to say about me there, and all of my superiors are now either friends of mine and/or think I'm a pretty great worker.

I'm really proud of who I am at work, and I love it there. But I'm just a part-time cashier, and that's not really where I want to be still in even 5 years. But it's hard not to hold onto that because those people have really become important in my life - the place is called Bill's Family Foods - and a lot of them are pretty close like family. 

I wish I could take who I am there and apply it everywhere else in my life. There, for some reason, I know the balance between work and goof-off time. And people actually appreciate my sense of humor there, too, which isn't usually common. I've trained many of the workers there to cashier. I'm very well trusted, the owners even like me and know who I am and my hobbies, and a lot of people confide in me. They always know that I am willing to come into work even when I have the day off or to work early. I've had long, scheduled work days where I've volunteered to work even longer because someone didn't show. I'm the first they call in if someone is sick...or doesn't show. And I'm the only part-timer that actually gets the number of hours I want from the head manager. I'm trained in almost every single area, and they'll have me do whatever they need done. I am confident that I can run the show. 


Anyway, regarding home and school:

I do have a whiteboard hanging in my room that I used to put a to-do list on. Guess I should start that up again, huh. 

Also, I do have a lot of free time, which is why I consider myself lazy. I never do anything.

I'm glad people feel like me, and I'm not the only one. I feel like this problem is like that huge zit in the middle of someone's forehead that everyone sees before anything else.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

A lot of the symptoms of depression and ADD are the same. I asked my doctor recently if he thought it would help to add something for my ADD, and he said welbutrin is used to treat ADD, and I've been taking that for depression for a few years. It's hard to find the right mix of psych meds. If you don't like your psychiatrist, try a different doc. Maybe there are more options by where you go to school. But don't rule out general doctors either if you can't find the right psychiatrist. Many of them have a lot of experience treating mental health issues and do a fine job. Meds will never solve all your problems, but they can help get you in a better frame of mind so you're able to put forth more effort to help yourself. Do you feel like your counselor is the right fit and helpful to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I really do like my counselor. She's very kind and has taught me some very helpful methods to alleviate my anxiety. However, at sessions, I do tend to get off topic and off grid pretty easily, or I don't have much to say once in a while, too. I think it would be helpful to go in each time with a mission or a goal. She's a fount of knowledge and has many helpful ideas.  She also pushes me out of my comfort zone every once in a while too. Yikes!


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

I feel for you with your depression and anxiety, it's really tough.

With the other stuff though, I think you need to be a bit tougher. You're talking about your failings and labelling yourself straight off the bat - you've already given up! You choose your behaviours. People learn to be motivated, responsible and organised. For most people it's not a natural thing at all, just something they've developed. You have to work at it, learn discipline. You're not any way, there is no answer but learn to be different. 

If you move out, you'll look after yourself. People tend to do what they have to. I've known lots of ill prepared people move out of home and while they might panic and flounder around for a while, humans are very good at doing what they need to do to get by. 

Work out what you want and work at it. Keep a notebook and write your schedule and things to do and remember. Set an alarm to go off every hour if you can't remember to check it. Stick to it. Its not easy to learn these new behaviours but you can. View your behaviours as how you are acting, not a part of who you are. Take responsibility for your behaviours. If you fail try again and again until you have it.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

You sound like my older sister, the first born child. You seem to feel you were replaced when the next one came along and no matter what your parent do, it isn't right in your books. They didn't watch your horse events because had you come off, that would have ended it then and there as parents are instinctively protective of their children. My sis married, as she puts it, to escape our horrible mother who was actually a good and caring mother. Just my sister's perception. I truly believe that is what is holding you back - your perceptions and you've chosen to dwell on them.


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## Shropshirerosie (Jan 24, 2012)

Hello to the OP. 

You can improve all of this, but you will only make real change if you give yourself achievable objectives. If you try to address EVERYTHING that you have listed in your post at once, you will fail. As would each and every one of us.

Choose one thing. Just one. Here is one example, but you could choose anything else.

Make yourself a healthy pack lunch EVERY DAY with a ton of healthy snacks in it. Reach into it when you have a sugar craving. Stick at this for at least two weeks before you try to make any other positive changes.

Some other small changes you could consider choosing one of -

Early to bed, early to rise EVERY day except Sunday.

Write ONE task on your whiteboard every day and do it.

Sit down with a time for half an hour at the same time every day and do work on your assignments.

Small steps will get you there because they are achievable. Big ones won't because you will fall over, and most likely give up trying. As would WE ALL.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

OP - I didn't read all the posts but one thing that stands out to me is that you said your anxiety/depression is better now that you're on medication. Unfortunatley, SSRI, SNRIs and others can cause you to not care about things that you want to care about...does that make sense? 

In other words, it robs you of the mental drive to get things accomplished. Have you talked to your Psychiatrist about this? He may suggest changing your medication/adjusting your dosage.

Also, if you do the same tasks over and over again, you switch into auto-pilot which is not always reliable; so you forget things and make mistakes. The way to get around that is to change your routine because it forces your brain to pay attention. 

Hope this helps!


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate them.

Re my post on my family and those who commented:
I never meant to give the impression that my parents are horrible. They are kind, caring people, my mom being the kindest person in the whole world. I do have great parents who don't do drugs, drink, smoke, commit crimes, abuse, or cheat. However, I am being completely honest when I say my brother is a big problem. He's 13 now. I do get upset when I have plans with my mom and something comes along and she has to cancel due to my brother. I grow tired of her trying to kill him with kindness because it isn't working. He needs boundaries and positive and negative reinforcement. He is to the age now where he cannot be manhandled and is starting to have more independence. He gets physical with my parents, and both are older. I worry about the stress they endure because of him. 

For the most part, I have accepted the fact that they won't change. I was upset in my last posts, and that's where I have to remind myself I can't change them. Somedays I wish things were different and that I did get more moral support, but I can't change that. Fortunately, I have a wonderful work family and church family that helps fill in those gaps.

I am looking at options as where to go with this right now. I am thinking about trying to change my meds again but seeing a different doc. I've also contemplated going in for testing for ADD. I am trying to make little efforts instead of trying everything at once. And I'm trying to eat better too and put the sugar in moderation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Saddlebag said:


> You sound like my older sister, the first born child. You seem to feel you were replaced when the next one came along and no matter what your parent do, it isn't right in your books. They didn't watch your horse events because had you come off, that would have ended it then and there as parents are instinctively protective of their children. My sis married, as she puts it, to escape our horrible mother who was actually a good and caring mother. Just my sister's perception. I truly believe that is what is holding you back - your perceptions and you've chosen to dwell on them.


This is not what I've tried to depict at all. What I wrote was fairly past tense. And my parents aren't the type to end horses because I fell off. No, that's totally off the map. They aren't horse people and don't understand the horse world, and I think that's a big part of it. 

There is some sibling rivalry, as many families have, but to an extent I understand children like my brother do need the undivided attention. I just wanted that one-on-one time with my mom. I don't view my parents as evil - look at my earlier post. I feel as if you either did not read the entire post correctly or read too much into it. Because this is simply not how it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SullysRider (Feb 11, 2012)

I'm going to be brutally honest. Your parents (more specifically dad) is emotionally abusive. It can, and does, take a toll on someone, more so than physical abuse. Have you brought that up to your counselor or whoever you are seeing for it? I have been there done that and I know how hard it can be.

Saddlebag, I think if you were in your sister's shoes you would have the same view. I'm sure your mom treated you both very differently.


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## disastercupcake (Nov 24, 2012)

OP, 

While I have no personal or professional knowledge of anxiety and depression as a mental/emotional thing, I understand depression and anxiety in a physiological and chemical way. 

I sincerely believe that you can improve your situation- and possibly work towards lowering your medication- with nutritional therapy. If you have never looked into alternative health before, I encourage you to do so now.

Seeing a Nutritionist will open up so many more avenues of treatment and therapy. It sounds like there are other underlying health issues that you've been describing. While traditional medicine may not have the tools and methods to find sub-clinical problems, a nutritionist will be able to identify your specific needs very easily. 

I really do hope that you look into it, because I know it would help you out! At the very least, your body would thank you!


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## Bagheera (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can definitely relate. I have many of the same issues as you. Shropshirerosie hit it on the head. You need to set small goals for yourself. I've improved my life by doing just that. I started with my diet. I made changes to what I eat every day. I still have my occasional mishaps, I ate a whole medium pizza the other day. Lol I try to stick to healthy foods that I enjoy. I love bananas and pears for example. So instead of having patato chips for a snack, I'll eat two pears. Small things like this have made a huge difference. I also have a list of small things I want to accomplish posted on my bedroom door so that I see it every day. The list has simple things like, do laundry on Monday/Wednesday/Friday. This has helped me stay organized and helps keep my stress levels down. Lastly, I go to the gym regularly. Yes, I have GO TO THE GYM on my to do list on my door. Working up a sweat does huge things to improve my overall mood. Lastly, hold your self accountable. Learn to recognize when you are creating excuses for yourself. When I find myself thinking I'm too tired to go to the gym, or some other excuse, I recognize it and make it a priority to go work out. I never regret it and am less likely to make excuses next time around. Hope that helps.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Y'all are great, just letting you know.  Reading your experiences and advice definitely helps me feel more hopeful. 

SullysRider,
I've known this for a while, I've never really just admitted it to myself. My dad can be pretty great, but he does have this fault, and I do think a lot of my "issues" have branched out from how I have been treated. He was brought up poor and very sternly by his dad, so those parenting skills were handed down to him. I think he also has mental illness of his own, beginning with anxiety and depression and possibly ending with a mood disorder. 

I spend a lot of time in my room away from my family. It's not so much my family that keeps me at home, it's just...home. The house, the comforts, the community. 

Whoever suggested earlier that I spend a half an hour or a little more on homework each day at a set time, you're awesome. Definitely going on the checklist. 

Disastercupcake,
I will look into that. I am taking a nutrition course right now and am just learning how important it really is. I agree that there may be some nutrition problems. A couple of years back, I know my potassium level was a little low. I think it's okay now, though, but still....

Wanted to add that I am starting birth control to control acne and my swinging hormones. It was prescribed a while ago, but I was advised to start it as soon as my next period ended, so I will be starting it soon. 

Bagheera,
I'm happy to hear that you know what I am talking about. You're right, I need to hold myself accountable and kick my own butt. 




Maybe the best solution would be to go get a physical and go from there?


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## Jennakaaate (Feb 26, 2013)

Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. A tip? Get pushy friends. That changed my life. And move out. I know that you probably don't like cleaning or helping around your parents' house, but once you get your OWN house, that completely changes everything. 
I was a slobby teenager. I never cleaned my room, never cleaned up around my mom's house, never did dishes, etc. Now that I'm solely responsible for cleaning my own house (hubby doesn't help. He's in the Army and his stuff is always everywhere) it stays spotless. Oh, and we got a dog, which forces responsibility on me. 
Sounds scary/harsh but it's the best thing that ever happened to me!


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## Bagheera (Apr 23, 2013)

I think getting a physical would help so that you know where to begin with an exercise regimen. You could also start simply taking your dog out for power walks a few times a week to help you start on the right track. I also think that moving out would be a good idea. If you have a roommate, you would need someone who is very conscientious and respectful of you/your space so that they don't set your anxiety off. You could also move out and get an apartment by yourself. I think getting away from the stressful family stuff at home would do wonders for your personal happiness. Moving out was one of the best things I ever did. My mom was verbally abusive when I was a teen.I moved in with my super mellow dad and it was the best thing that I have ever done. My depression and anxiety lessened by enormous amounts. I became a ton happier and was finally able to figure out who I am and what I want in life.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

Corazon Lock, I admire your openness and willingness to ask for help and advice. You’re not afraid of people expressing opinions even if they may seem harsh—and you respond well to all comments. Just wanted to tell you, I’m impressed. J


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

JennaKaaate,
You have a point there! I pray I will be more motivated and caring then. 

Bagheera,
I am looking at a single apartment, just for me and maybe a cat. I think not having the pressure of living up to a roommate's expectations will help the change. 

I got on the treadmill yesterday and did some schoolwork. Felt great. Today...not so great. My favorite manager at my job is quitting. I found out today. He's also a really good friend, and I've known him for four years. He's just so funny and can always cheer me up. So I'm kind of blue. But I did some ab work and tried to be positive about it. I might get to manage the greenhouse this summer now, so I guess that is a positive thing.

Oh, and Hoiski,
It's much easier to be graceful on the Internet than in real life.  Then again, I always try to keep it tactful and classy!


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## oh vair oh (Mar 27, 2012)

> I do have a few other physical issues that I have mentioned to my doctor before, a lot of them surrounding my menstrual cycles.


Everyone else has great suggestions, but this just caught my attention. I had manic depression for 5 or 6 years. Did the celexa, did the zoloft, did the diet and exercise, did the therapy. 

My symptoms almost completely went away as soon as I started depo provera birth control (your doctor will suggest what may work for you personally). I had been on other birth controls before, but this one stopped my periods. It was an instant change, it still makes me cry out of happiness to think about it. I used to feel so flawed, like my personality was broken. Turns out my hormones were running the show. It's not the usual treatment for PMDD, but you might consider asking your doctor about it. It definitely was a last resort after years of battling, so it's always something I try to mention to women with period issues related to depression problems. 

Keep up the good work though!


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh vair oh,
Thanks! I totally appreciate that tip!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marvel (Jan 17, 2014)

Feel like I'm looking in the mirror. Only difference is I'm 54 years old. Was just contemplating asking if anyone else battled with these feelings before I read this.
Sending hugs your way and keep us informed on how you're doing! Also, thanks to all the people who have commented in such positive ways. I don't know any of you yet, but you all seem to have the compassion one needs and not harsh reprimands for this young girl.
Thank you again!


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Marvel,
I'm glad someone else that has been through many more years of life than I have feels the same way...I thought maybe only the young adults got saddled with a problem like this lol.

I'm trying to do better. I've slipped up in the past few days quite a bit, so I'm going to try to get back on the good old beaten path. Started birth control today for the acne and hormone issues, so we'll see how that goes.

I'm going through a phase right now where I just feel really alone. I really, REALLY struggled with getting out of bed Monday. I just felt so apathetic, and I felt really sad. I'm sad because my favorite manager at work is leaving. That one is a toughie to explain to people. I mean, how many people actually get really close to their manager? And their 50 year old male manager at that, when they are a 20 year old female? It probably sounds creepy, but it's totally not. We just have a lot of fun at work and have the same sense of twisted humor, and we just get along really well. He's really laid back and kind of like a big kid himself - I've gotten away with so many things lol. Everyone loves him at work, including the customers. He's pleasant, funny, and according to many people, not hard on the eyes. Which just makes me laugh because he's married with two kids, and I would never view him that way, and he gets really uncomfortable about people hitting on him. But, off topic, anyway, it's just sort of sad because he was kind of like the glue that held everyone together there. 

I'm trying to look at the positives with this one, like how there's a good chance I'll get to manage the greenhouse this summer instead of just work in it. And, with everyone trying to find their footing after this "loss," I think it will finally be easier for me to move out and move on. 

Aside from that, I'm just feeling really depressed because I feel lonely, and I'm starting to think, aside from what is described as my original poster, that I'M deficient socially or in relationships. I seriously do not have the motivation to even say hello sometimes to people I don't know. It feels as if it takes too much energy. 

My preexisting relationships are also making me feel pretty unhappy. I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive or not, but I can't shake this feeling that I'm not a priority in these peoples' lives. I don't need or even want to be #1, but it would be nice to feel appreciated. So often, I feel like I'll listen to their problems and give advice, but when I need someone to listen to me, the other person changes the subject. Or, I get hardcore judged instead of just a listening ear. So, I'm keeping everything to myself, except what I want people to see, which is not going so hot...

All this above is making it nearly impossible to be motivated to even get out of bed.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Corazon, I'm happy to see you're looking into ADHD as a possible issue! I could have written this exact post years ago - I wasn't diagnosed with it until I was 21. I wish that I had been diagnosed and treated sooner, because I think my life would have been a lot easier in many ways. These days I am much better, but it's because I have formed good habits, I understand my own tendencies and triggers, and even though I'm not currently on medication (I would like to be, but I have no medical insurance right now), I use diet to control the lion's share of my ADHD issues. 

ADHD is a different beast for everyone who has it, but I think of it like a very hot, sensitive horse. It can be understood, it can be ridden and worked with, but every once in a while you're still going to eat dirt. 

If you do find you have a diagnosis, try looking into a local chapter of CHADD, for an ADHD coach, and there are also a lot of great resources in ADDitude magazine. 

Changing my diet has had a HUGE impact on my ability to function well. Many ADHD patients are advised to cut out grain and sugar from their diets and this has helped me immensely. I follow a way of eating called the Ketogenic diet, which was developed to help control seizures in children. It seems to have the side effect of working well for many other neurological issues. 

EDIT: I also saw that you say you're having some issues with social things, as well as depression. It's VERY COMMON for these things to be comorbid (happening along with) ADHD. I personally also suffer from social anxiety- again, medication and practicing good habits can work wonders. 

Good luck!


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Mulefeather said:


> Corazon, I'm happy to see you're looking into ADHD as a possible issue! I could have written this exact post years ago - I wasn't diagnosed with it until I was 21. I wish that I had been diagnosed and treated sooner, because I think my life would have been a lot easier in many ways. These days I am much better, but it's because I have formed good habits, I understand my own tendencies and triggers, and even though I'm not currently on medication (I would like to be, but I have no medical insurance right now), I use diet to control the lion's share of my ADHD issues.
> 
> ADHD is a different beast for everyone who has it, but I think of it like a very hot, sensitive horse. It can be understood, it can be ridden and worked with, but every once in a while you're still going to eat dirt.
> 
> ...


So did you go through testing to reach the diagnosis then?


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I've got to do something different. I have been increasingly tired and unmotivated in the last couple of days. Today I really noticed it. I didn't want to get out of bed, and when I did, I was still tired...all day. I'm still tired now and could have taken a nap. My attention wanes a lot when I'm driving....so not good. 

I'm going to discuss all this with my counselor tomorrow.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Corazon Lock said:


> So did you go through testing to reach the diagnosis then?


Yes, I went through testing with a psychologist to reach my diagnosis. I talked to my doctor about it at the time and they referred me to a behavioral health center for testing. It did take about two visits to get through all the testing I needed to do, and they officially diagnosed me after going over the test results. After the diagnosis my doctor put me on Adderall, which made a BIG difference. I remember walking around going "Wow, is this what being normal feels like?" 

I also had a tutor that suggested I get tested, and pointed out that I *always* had some kind of caffienated beverage in my hand when I came to see him. Coffee, soda, energy drinks, whatever. He told me that many people with undiagnosed ADHD will self-medicate with caffiene because it is a stimulant, much like most ADHD medications. And usually you don't realize you're doing it.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Mulefeather said:


> Yes, I went through testing with a psychologist to reach my diagnosis. I talked to my doctor about it at the time and they referred me to a behavioral health center for testing. It did take about two visits to get through all the testing I needed to do, and they officially diagnosed me after going over the test results. After the diagnosis my doctor put me on Adderall, which made a BIG difference. I remember walking around going "Wow, is this what being normal feels like?"
> 
> I also had a tutor that suggested I get tested, and pointed out that I *always* had some kind of caffienated beverage in my hand when I came to see him. Coffee, soda, energy drinks, whatever. He told me that many people with undiagnosed ADHD will self-medicate with caffiene because it is a stimulant, much like most ADHD medications. And usually you don't realize you're doing it.


If you have ADHD why would your body seek a stimulant? If you're hyperactive wouldnt the caffeine make that worse and not better?

No snark, just curious. My husband has some form of ADD/ADHD and cannot live without near constant caffeine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

DancingArabian, stimulants are used in treating ADHD because they increase the availability of certain neurotransmitter chemicals in the brain (just like an anti-depressant) so that your brain is able to actually USE the pathways those chemicals need to take to transmit messages. Basically it helps your brain to transmit messages better, is the very short way of saying it. Here's an article that goes a bit more in depth. 

Caffiene is readily available in just about any quantity or form you could ever want, and so it's the most easily acquired stimulant most people can get. It has a similar effect to ADHD medication, just at a lower strength and shorter duration. All most people (myself included) know is that you feel better able to focus and go about your day when you have it. 

I cut out diet soda except for when I go out to eat lately since I'm trying to lose weight, but I drink a cup of coffee in the morning and that helps me get and stay going when I'm at work.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Dancing Arabian,
I read that you brain actually needs stimulation when a person has ADD/ADHD. When you have the stimulant, the function goes up and you are able to focus better. Think about it as if you were tired. It's harder to focus, harder to get stuff done, you don't think through things as much, and sometimes you hit a hyperactive stage before you crash. You stimulate your brain with sleep or caffeine, and you are no longer tired. It's like that, except doesn't come from a lack of sleep.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks, didn't think of it that way before!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Macavity (Oct 15, 2013)

If I were you, I would begin by cutting out sugary drinks. That was my first step to a healthier diet and, let me tell you, I feel so much more awake and refreshed now. Yes, the stimulates do give you energy, but you soon develop a need for it and begin to feel worse and worse when you don't have it. As for sweets, try substituting them for something else like fruit because fruits are also sweet. I have currently given up sweets for Lent and pineapple has definitely helped me out tremendously! Changing your diet is defintely the first step to feeling better and wanting to do more work. Also, I recommend in investing in a planner. 

Here's something to remember: Do not sacrifice what you want in the long run to something you want now.

I guarantee you, that something you want now will go away and you will be left with nothing. We all have free will. The only one who can make you do anything is you.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Macavity: I don't drink sugary drinks. I have soda every once in a while, like probably less than once a month, and usually I don't even drink a full can. The stuff gives me a headache.


I was bad today. I bought some Sour Patch Kids and ate them all.  Oops...I'm still trying to eat the healthy cereal in the morning, but it's starting to get bland. Last week was a hard week, and I kind of let everything go to pot, so to speak. I guess I'll have to try again...

Today was not a good day, we'll just say that. I'm frustrated and am SO DONE with being so forgetful, unorganized, inattentive, and constantly sleepy. On a whim, I called my psychologist and booked an ADHD testing. I need to test out this avenue and see if this is it. If not, I'm going to go see a sleep doctor. I am just at my wit's end, and with me wanting to sleep all the time and being so sleepily distracted when I sleep well and for my 8 hours, there's just something not quite right. I'm also going to visit a doctor that can prescribe antidepressants but also has knowledge of homeopathy and dietetics. 

I am just so over wanting to be a certain way and having this stupid inattentiveness and sleepiness over my head all the time. I'm fed up, and I'm DONE. At least if I visit some doctors I'll know it's either me or my body at some point and can plan from there. Again, so done.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Hopefully once you speak with a doctor and do some testing, you can name the beast and get it dealt with. If you do get an official diagnosis, I'd be happy to share some of the tips and tricks that have helped me overcome my issues. Don't get me wrong, it's something I'll struggle with for the rest of my life, but managing it is the first step to success.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Mulefeather, 
It was actually some of your posts from earlier that actually encouraged me to go do the testing! And then yesterday I just was over it all lol, so I scheduled it for April 1st. I would love to hear about some of your techniques and tips once this beast is diagnosed. 

I've just decided that I need to be proactive. And by that, I'm going to visit these medical avenues to see if this has a name, or if it's something else.


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