# 2020 Accountability



## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

So new year. New journal.

2019 was HELL and I'm still recovering. It was just getting by hour by hour... not actually living. Hopefully no one pops their clogs this year I don't think my heart can take it. But I'm glad those that have passed, even distressingly so, are finally in peace. It's just us, the living, that has to figure out how to move on... 

I finally can breathe and look to getting back into my hobbies and passions. 

So. Katie. I know when I was at my lowest I was a blubbering mess wondering why I even owned her, feeling inadequate and so on. There are still some lingering feelings like that but now I'm more myself I'm less inclined to wallow and more inclined to take action. I've realised now that at this yard I'm probably not gonna find anyone to ride with regularly. It is hard when staff hack her out in groups in addition to being competent and confident riders. It means when I get on and attempt to take her out she's like HELL NO. I can understand staff not wanting to take her out alone its not as fun nor as safe and they really have no incentive. I often get asked to let them use Katie and rarely get invited myself. It is what it is I think so I've taken steps to try and figure out a different solution:

*Exciting news:*

1. I found a horsebox hire company. I've driven plenty vans and pulled trailers just neither with a horse in it lol. The owner got back to me and said that they can have someone accompany me for my first trip out and go over everything I need to know. It's £55 for half day and £90 for whole but obviously have to cover fuel.

1a. However if it's not far I can pay £20ish if I recall correctly for drop off/pick up hire through yard owner whoop!

2. Three yards slightly out of the city (only 1-2 hours drive) have already emailed me back saying they would love to receive Katie and I for a day. One of the yards is in the south downs which is beautiful and I've only ever gone on foot... I would kill to get to ride Katie there. So it's gonna happen! Because I would be on my own I did request to basically go on a guided hack/gallop around the countryside explaining that I didn't have much experience in open riding. Our yard has a travel ban atm because of all the strangles going around elsewhere. Once that clears up I'll be booking. 

3. I have had two instructors get back to me for regular lessons in the evenings (the hardest thing to find!). So fingers crossed.

So I've accepted that I am gonna be mostly alone for this journey. So to make it a little less alone I will be going places where there IS company on the other end. I think with some experience travelling around etc I will be fine joining clinics further out or even some countryside rides (short endurance things for fun?) if I can find someone to buddy up with there, even if a stranger. I mean I don't mind being alone but it's hard to convince a horse it's ok to be alone when you don't have the confidence to back it up so first things first. I really dont give myself enough credit. If someone said I HAVE to ride Katie to x place or something terrible would happen I could do it with no reservation. But to do it just off ones own back and take that risk? Hmmmm.


*Not so exciting:*

Katie is still slightly off on her right hind. It's an ongoing issue and we've been monitoring it off record to keep insurance clean. I can afford xrays but shes been loathe to do it without going for a nerve block first due to insurance excluding an entire problem if they so much as even look at it. Fair enough so nerve block next. She's observed Katie being ridden and honestly she's compensating really well - I would never ask her to do something she doesn't want to do but she EAGERLY heads out, heads off, goes forward, jumps that jump.

I have budgeted aside to have a chiro monthly beginning next Feb. I'd been off work because of issues mentioned above so been a bit tight.

Will upload some pictures of my bumbum (katie) off my phone soon


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