# Parental pressure (kinda long)



## Mckellar (Apr 18, 2012)

Hello everyone, well for the past little while I have been showing t 1.m and it's been going great, in the ribbons and if I don't place I am doing a great ride with a rail or max 2 rails. I asked my coach to move up to 1.10m and she said great idea and do it at the next show(3weeks ago) then the next day she said do the next 2 shows then move up. So I did and this weekend I am suppose to move up and I talked to her and she said not this weekend unless I want to. So that's a no basically. She does not like people not going with her ideas because that's going against her plan. She said later I can exc exc we can do big classes but I won't hold my breathe.

My parents both say she wants me to win everything , double cleans and first in every class. Now they are expecting that, at shows in front of my coach my mom says its just to have fun. At home I get almost scolded on how I need to win. Doesn't matter if I had a great smooth ride and a rail , I need to win. My dad who's experience with sports is hockey... Well I can't even talk to him without him raising his voice on how unless Im the best in the ring I shouldn't move up. I'm on a winning horse but I'm not winning everything so I'm the problem.

Honestly this makes me so upset, I want to move up because I'm bored and my horse is. None of the jumps are true size or width and when I just bigger I have fun and have a smile ear to ear. My horse loves it and I can handle it(3inches) at home we school from 3'6-4' so not a big deal.

I think my coach wants me to stay to get points so I go to champs but I don't care about points I want to keep learning. How can I explain this to everyone and tell my parents to **** off they're not riding so stop telling me what to do. My dad actually critiqued my video from the weekend and told me what I was doing wrong...


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

If your parents are paying, you don't get to 'tell them to **** off'. Frankly, I'm shocked at your total disdain and lack of respect. If you were my child this wouldn't be an issue; you'd have been off a horse the first time you opened your mouth and acted like a spoiled brat. :?

Riding is a_ privilege_ for children, not a right. If your coach wants you to stay at your current position and division, then that's what you do. You can hardly have learned everything at the level you are now, and if your coach doesn't think you're ready to move up then you're not, regardless of how_ you_ feel.


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## leapoffaithfarm (Jun 26, 2009)

Speed Racer said:


> If your parents are paying, you don't get to 'tell them to **** off'. Frankly, I'm shocked at your total disdain and lack of respect. If you were my child this wouldn't be an issue; you'd have been off a horse the first time you opened your mouth and acted like a spoiled brat. :?
> 
> Riding is a_ privilege_ for children, not a right. If your coach wants you to stay at your current position and division, then that's what you do. You can hardly have learned everything at the level you are now, and if your coach doesn't think you're ready to move up then you're not, regardless of how_ you_ feel.


I agree.... my daughter got ****y with me one time at a show and told me to basically **** off.... i told her right before she went in the ring to get off the hrose untack her and load her up we where going home. until you are the one that is putting out all the $ you have NO right to tell your parents to **** off.

Your parents are only trying to help you when your dad looks at your video and tells you things you should just sit there and listen.... he might not have a clue what it is that he is talking about but at least he is interested in what you are doing and he is trying (and just cause his only sports experience is hockey that is not a bad thing cause i myself am a horse and hockey mom)


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## equiniphile (Aug 16, 2009)

Do you pay for lessons? Show fees? Ringside coaching? Your tack? Horse care? Riding is a family hobby for us, so my parents pay for the bare necessities--feed, bedding, farrier/vet/dentist, fencing, etc, and I am so grateful that they do. If I want to ride, I'd better be buying my own tack. If I want to show, I had better be paying for gas and funding my own coach and show fees. Because I pay for my show fees and coaching, I can choose to ride in whatever division I choose.

Until you're funding everything, your parents can put you in Baby Green Crossrails if they want. You can talk to them and express your concerns about not having fun at the level you're at, but the bottom line is that they don't have to move you up until they and your coach decide that you're ready.


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## monkeyleap (Dec 16, 2010)

I ride also, and my parents always point out what I am doing wrong, which really (And I mean _really_) gets on my nerves. I want to tell them they are NOT my coaches, that they have never ridden (successfully), and to go away; that they should leave the coaching to my coach. However, I am reminded that since they are the ones paying to let me participate in this wonderful, [expensive] sport, not me. My mother has threatened me to make me stay off the horse before for being ungrateful and hateful. I try to remember that: a) They are my parents and in charge of me. b) They are paying for what I do, stretching their money to let me do what I love. c) They not only sacrifice extra money, but also a lot of time.


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## oh vair oh (Mar 27, 2012)

Geez people. I don't care if my parents paid for the entire world show, that does not allow them nitpick on every single thing you do wrong. I'd get off my own horse if they did that. That's just like saying you paid for your daughter's wedding, so now you get to choose the husband!

You need to sit down and talk with your parents, eye to eye. Tell them that you really appreciate their support, and that you are lucky to have it, but you don't appreciate it when the nit-pick you, or constantly are picking out your flaws. Tell them what really matters to you when you ride, and you would appreciate it if they had a more fun attitude when they are around you, and less pressuring. I'm sure they will understand.

_Communication_ is way better than bottling up anger, or getting reprimanded.


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## GoAppendix (Mar 22, 2012)

Have your coach talk to your parents.


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## AQHSam (Nov 23, 2011)

*Huh. I am wondering what I am missing*

To the posters before me, I am sort of shocked. I read the OP's post and didn't think she was being spoiled or ****y about riding. I heard two messages in her post.

1. She wants to progress but others are holding her back.

2. Her family sets expectations that she must win at all costs.

Here are my responses to the OP.

In regards to #1, sometimes we think we are ready but we are over inflating our own egos. It is always good to have a person who can ground us and keep us on track. What was not in your post is what are YOUR goals for you? Why do you ride? Please state your general age in school years? Are you a high school student? Middle school? Where do you think this will take you? The Olympics? A career? How does what you are doing today fit in with how you vision your future?

How you truthfully answer those questions will shed some enlightment on your frustration with your coach and parents. If this is something you are doing for the here and now, and not striving to have an adult competitive career, I can understand why you may be impatient and willing to accept a bar or two when you don't place.

My experience has taught me that the more competitive a person is, along with how the competitive activities supports them, the more patient the person is to achieve greatness. 

Which brings us to #2. I am surprised at the disdain and criticism you have received. Obviously the previous posters were not overly pushed by their parents to achieve an adult's expectation of acceptable. And I can tell you, It stinks.

Whether they pay the bills or not, this is about you. Not them. Just because they can afford to put you in the saddle, or they are willing to make the sacrifices so you can, they have no morale or ethical right to set expectations for your success. 

it is one thing to say, "I can tell you are not interested in this, so we need to stop due to costs.' That is fair. I have said that to my family. I won't pay out good money for something I have to drag a kid kicking and screaming to and never practice.

But to say, "you love this but are not good enough to afford it" or worse, "i am paying for this so you must meet my expecations" well, that is lousy parenting.

Answer the questions to the statement above. If your heart is truly in it for the competition and future, take the advice of your coach. Be patient. Work the basics and conquer them.

But, if you are in it for the fun and pleasure, and your parents have greater expectations, you better have a heart to heart. Even if you have to involve a school counselor.

Some of my most messed up adult friends were once children who didn't meet family expecations in little league, soccer, hockey or ice skating. They spent their entire childhood on the road only to receive "should have done better." Today, they don't participate in those activities at all.

Good luck.


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## attackships (Jan 12, 2012)

i know the default that most people think is that you should be thankful and just shut up, but growing up with parents that sound like yours, i know how you feel. 

I do agree with above posters that you probably shouldnt move up. it's really not what your trainer recommends and i dont think it will magically make you have more fun either, it might make the opposite true. now im a perfectionist in the sense that i keep trying something until i get it down great, and since im a very imperfect person sometimes that takes a lot of time and frustration and boredom. What i would recommend is just do something else! take a break from the same old and go on a trail ride or organize a group ride with friends, or even take a break from riding and try something new instead of being focused on how "boring" your level is.

and the reality is, theres always something to learn at any level. You'd think after 15 years of riding i would have "moved up" and stopped doing basic flatwork and trotting around an arena, but of course thats not true ;p. i do agree with you that you need to have more fun, but i dont think you should assume that staying at your current level means you're "not learning" - you always are! I think you should focus on what your trainer says and try hard to do your best. if you want a change, try something new!


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## oh vair oh (Mar 27, 2012)

> But to say, "you love this but are not good enough to afford it" or worse, "i am paying for this so you must meet my expecations" well, that is lousy parenting.


This, this, a thousand times this.


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

All y'all slobbing sympathy over the OP are missing one thing; parents are not required to spend THEIR money on something a child wants.

I say if you want to do things your own way, then wait and pay for it when you can afford it on your own. I've never understood the entitlement I see from so many of the younger set. It's like their parents aren't people with hopes, dreams, and desires of their own. They're only there to make sure Precious gets what she wants, whenever she wants it.

Telling your parents to '**** off' is NOT the actions of a respectful youngster who understands that she's been given a gift. It's the attitude of a child who thinks she deserves whatever she wants, just because she wants it. If the OP hadn't come on here with a massive 'tude and actually asked for _real_ advice to help her parents understand, I wouldn't have taken the slant I did. 

Being ungrateful is ugly, regardless of whatever 'reason' the OP has.

I'm also not naive or unaware that some parents push their children too hard. However, we're only getting the OP's side of the story, and who wants to bet it may not _actually_ coincide with the whole truth?


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## leapoffaithfarm (Jun 26, 2009)

Speed Racer said:


> All y'all slobbing sympathy over the OP are missing one thing; parents are not required to spend THEIR money on something a child wants.
> 
> I say if you want to do things your own way, then wait and pay for it when you can afford it on your own. I've never understood the entitlement I see from so many of the younger set. It's like their parents aren't people with hopes, dreams, and desires of their own. They're only there to make sure Precious gets what she wants, whenever she wants it.
> 
> ...


:clap:


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## AQHSam (Nov 23, 2011)

Speed Racer said:


> All y'all slobbing sympathy over the OP are missing one thing; parents are not required to spend THEIR money on something a child wants.
> 
> I say if you want to do things your own way, then wait and pay for it when you can afford it on your own. I've never understood the entitlement I see from so many of the younger set. It's like their parents aren't people with hopes, dreams, and desires of their own. They're only there to make sure Precious gets what she wants, whenever she wants it.
> 
> ...


 
I think you need to reread the original post. You are obviously feeling slighted about something and taking it out on the OP. Not once did she say her parents were not giving her enough or doing enough for her. The only thing she is saying is they don't understand me.


Your comments in both posts are harsh and rude. If you don't like her predictament, be glad she is not your kid and back off. Show me where in her original posts she acts spoiled or entitled. Because she shared her feelings about what she wants? Half the people on this forum are entitled and selfish if that is the basis of your definition. 

We have threads after threads about people discussing conflict with other people. Country woman recently posted about how mistreated she by a lease owner. Did you tell HER that she was ungrateful? Spoiled? Entitled? Did you ask to hear the OTHER side of the story? Did you question whether or not she was meeting the full agreement of the lease and therefore not in fault

And if all you can do is pick on the one-sideness of this post, then you should carefully make sure that every post you make in the future includes verifiable proof of the other person's side to the matter. Otherwise you are no better.

I rarely speak out like this, and I don't know if the OP has recently ranted and spewed selfishly in another thread. But, I struggle to find the level of anger you displayed to her in both posts based on her original posting to THIS thread.


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## Cinder (Feb 20, 2011)

In my honest opinion, there is something wrong on a basic level about the way these parents are acting. 

Their "you must win" obsession smells of trouble and perhaps a history of unluckiness with sports of their own, or parents with the same mentality, etc. 

Now, I don't necessarily think that you _should_ move up, OP, I haven't seen you ride and therefore can't give an accurate opinion on whether or not you would be okay to move up. 

Now, my father pays for the majority of my riding expenses as I have no job and no car (too young for both) and he frequently tells me not to rush things, etc. He gives me opinions on my ride, my horse, etc, but they are nearly always respectful and understanding. 

I am forever grateful that he pays for me to be able to participate in this sport. I understand that without his money, I wouldn't be on a horse at all. 

However, I take his opinions with a grain of salt, simply because he doesn't have experience with horses like myself or my instructor, or even my friends who ride. He doesn't understand how challenging and complicated riding is, just like most people. 

Whenever I show or plan to, he always says, "It's a lot of money. I want you to have fun. Don't worry about winning, that's not important." 

If I do win, he (and the rest of my family, who also support my riding in different ways) is proud and glad for me. If I don't, well, no big deal, at least I had fun. 

Parents so concerned about winning are not in the right frame of mind, and in my opinion it is bad parenting and teaching bad lessons, that it's all about the ribbons, etc. 

So, although I respect the sacrifices made for my riding, if my father told me I *had* to win/be the best, I would ask him if he would like to get on the horse and see how he does in the class/ride/etc.


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## leapoffaithfarm (Jun 26, 2009)

not that i am defending anyone here but from personal experience with my own teenage daughter. No matter what i say or how i say it i am 100% against her... she tells me that all time. So do we really know how the parents are acting in this ... or is it just the way that the child is seeing it ????

I will not allow my daughter to disrespect me in any way shape or form, i have given up a lot so that she could show and have her horses and it is not a right it is a privilege that i can take away at any time. If i want to critique a video of her riding she can sit and listen to what i have to say...she can take the advise or she can leave it (i have shown for years but i do the same thing with my sons hockey videos so he listens to what i have to say and 90% of the time he leaves it at that and does not think anything of it)

So don't go off saying that the parents are these horrible people cause i am willing to bet anything if my daughter came on here and posted when she was in a foul mood about the way that she sees things you guys would think that i was in the running for the evil parent of the year award.


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

Your trainer should set where you show in my opinion. As such, I expect my daughters trainer to come to me and say, "we need to put Sarah here...and show us which class to put her in. " show entries should be discussed as a team, consisting of parents rider and trainer. 
I see riders everyday that want to move up and are allowed bc of want, they are not rock solid riders. 
I'd set up a meeting between trainers you and parents and everyone get on the same page about your goals for you and their goals for you. 
I can tell you that no matter how much Sarah loved to ride, if she did not attempt to ride to the best of her ability in a show I would stop paying for shows, winning ribbons doesn't matter to me, riding your best does. And that is from the mother of a 13 year old girl showing 2ft on a retraining gelding and a freebie mare. Jumps bigger at home and shows where she's truly solid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spurstop (Mar 22, 2012)

I would say talk to your coach about moving up. That you are ready for a challenge and since you are schooling it at home you feel that you are ready to show at the more challenging level. Find a schooling show that isn't going to affect anything if you bomb it.

Then, with your coach talk to your parents. Let them know that your coach is the professional and its her coaching that they (or you) are paying for. Let them know (in a mature way) that it frustrates you to be told that you did a good job at a show and then find out how awful they feel you are doing later. 

Let them know that you are riding and competing because you enjoy it, and you appreciate all that your parents have done to give you that opportunity, but you are ready to challenge yourself and grow. Tell them that setting goals and achieving them is more important to you at this stage then winning every class. 

I don't think you sound entitled or spoiled at all. You sound like a lot of other youth riders -- burned out by parents who don't back off. A lot of parents don't seem to realize that they are driving their kids away by putting so much pressure on their kids.


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## CLaPorte432 (Jan 3, 2012)

Thank you AQHSam. That was everything I was thinking.

OP, I don't think you are acting spoiled or wrongfully. Sometimes, non-horsey parents just don't understand. 

I do think you should talk with your coach. Tell her that you want to move up. That you feel your ready. And tell her that if she doesn't think that you are ready, ask what you need to focus on to make you ready because that is where you want to be. The next class up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mckellar (Apr 18, 2012)

Oh my.... I should have left my thoughts to myself . I'm on my cell so tomorrow when I have more time I will answer more questions but to help out. I PAID for my horse, I PAY for showing I bought my Antares saddle and all my tack show clothes lessons board vet bills farrier I PAY every cent from every job to show. After thinking about the post before I read the comment I thought, someone would die just to take a lesson once a week. I need to suck it up. My biggest issue I my parents telling me what to do and how to do it when they know squat about the sport. Also I am 22. 

This is going to take awhile to read all of these.... I shouldnt have posted anything.... Things are being taken way out of context


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Mckellar said:


> Oh my.... I should have left my thoughts to myself . I'm on my cell so tomorrow when I have more time I will answer more questions but to help out. I PAID for my horse, I PAY for showing I bought my Antares saddle and all my tack show clothes lessons board vet bills farrier I PAY every cent from every job to show. After thinking about the post before I read the comment I thought, someone would die just to take a lesson once a week. I need to suck it up. My biggest issue I my parents telling me what to do and how to do it when they know squat about the sport. Also I am 22


I know how you feel OP. I'm 19 going on 20. My parents don't know a thing about horses and they try and dictate what and what not to do with my horse, buy for my horse, etc. 

It can be frustrating, and no you did need to post because you needed to vent and some of us here understand exactly how you are feeling right now.

Feel free to PM me, anytime.


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## Mckellar (Apr 18, 2012)

I tried to edit my last post but I ran out of time. Anyway, the gist of it was I am adopted (not anyones business) so I am well aware of what I have and am very greatful for my life. I finished 3 years of university with a 3.6gpa. I bought everything myself and I find riding and showing a sacrad thing. And the pressure from my parents make me not want to go this weekend. And i LOVE showing, nothing will stop me. Obvioulsy except for unrealistic expectations. I thought about what I said and I clearly did not get across what I wanted. 

I will continue with what my coach says, she is AMAZING. I would follow her to the ends of the earth and back and I trust her 100%. My issue was is that I really -really got my hopes up when she said I could move up and then I felt like I went backwards, Thats all. 

And for showing, someone would kill for one lesson a week. I used to work at a barn 5days a week for 3 hours a day for 2 lessons. I got the real bargan lol! So I should be greatfull and I am- trust me. 

In no way did I say I have evil worst parents in the world. I have the best parents in the world but them judging me and pushing me to do something when I'm obviously trying. I don't try to hit rails. So please stop with that. thats not right at all. I'm not 7 years old crying because i don't get what i want. I work my but off for everything I have. So just stop. Your reading too much into this. My parents are not against me.. 

And for me being my parents little precious... uh huh.. I bet you have a whole image in your head of what I look like and act like eh? 

Anyway. As for going out for trail rides thats great idea. I may not actually be bored with the height, I may just be bored with the routine. I do the same thing 6 days a week every week. Same with the gym, I go to the gym 2 hours a day min. to keep fit for my riding and showing and trust me.. I get bored VERY fast. I never thought of it that way at all so thank you so much!!! That may just be what I need and I wasn't thinking outside the box. 

So all and all. Thank you for those who didn't read too much into this and take things WAY out of context, and for the others who think I'm some kind of horrible rotten spoiled ungratefull snobby "my parents are evil and against me" type of little brat. Go away. No one has to post any more comments on this I've heard more than enought. 

I just know next time.. have a problem. DONT POST IT ON HERE and talk to the people


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## oh vair oh (Mar 27, 2012)

Sorry you were hounded on. ): Forums can be notorious for taking little bits of information and running away with it... 

<3


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

Wait, yeah, you're 22? Tell your parents your an adult and back off!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WickedNag (Sep 7, 2010)

I am the show mom  I help bath, clip, make sure everyone's hair is in place. I am the photographer, I am the supporter both in time, cost and the cheer section. I love to ride my own horse, not my daughter's. Not my job to tell her anything about riding her horse...she has a trainer for that. I will say I am not qualified to tell her anything either  I always just send her into the ring with a wink and a smile.


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## equiniphile (Aug 16, 2009)

Mckellar said:


> I tried to edit my last post but I ran out of time. Anyway, the gist of it was I am adopted (not anyones business) so I am well aware of what I have and am very greatful for my life. I finished 3 years of university with a 3.6gpa. I bought everything myself and I find riding and showing a sacrad thing. And the pressure from my parents make me not want to go this weekend. And i LOVE showing, nothing will stop me. Obvioulsy except for unrealistic expectations. I thought about what I said and I clearly did not get across what I wanted.
> 
> I will continue with what my coach says, she is AMAZING. I would follow her to the ends of the earth and back and I trust her 100%. My issue was is that I really -really got my hopes up when she said I could move up and then I felt like I went backwards, Thats all.
> 
> ...


 Looks like some of us jumped to conclusions, sorry about that. In my defense, it might have helped to post some of what you just said in the original post, like the fact that you're an adult and you pay for everything. You have every right to determine with your coach what classes you enter. Listen to your parents' advice, but if they don't know squat about riding and showing, take it with a grain of salt. Let your coach know that you're more interested in moving up right now than staying at your current level to win High Point, but expect her to dissent and tell you to stay where you are. Try to compromise with her so you can both be happy.

Good luck!


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## Mckellar (Apr 18, 2012)

Thanks, I should have filled in the blanks a bit better but I was a bit upset writing the first post and was on my cell phone so my spelling was horrible which may have made it look like I was a lot younger than I actually am.


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## WickedNag (Sep 7, 2010)

Mckellar said:


> Thanks, I should have filled in the blanks a bit better but I was a bit upset writing the first post and was on my cell phone so my spelling was horrible which may have made it look like I was a lot younger than I actually am.


Well, I didn't need any blanks filled in... my post still stands no matter your age. I am the show mom  I am not the rider, the trainer or the judge. Still send my daughter into the ring each and every time with a wink and a smile.


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## Mckellar (Apr 18, 2012)

Wickednag: horse show moms or dads are a GOD SEND. My horse is easy to handle but it is a hard job and one only a mother or father would do for free! Long hours and horrible pay lol. Thank you for being a show mom and a supportive parent!


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