# My Trainer Doesn't Like My Horse



## lostastirrup (Jan 6, 2015)

That is rude and unprofessional of your trainer. If she cannot see your potential or your strengths I don't think she can accurately coach you. It's tough but some people don't like certain types of horses, and not a lot can be done to change their minds. I'd see if there was another option for trainers local. It's one thing to have a trainer who pushes riders with tough regimes to help improve- it's another thing entirely for them to demoralize them. That is not appropriate behavior and there's no good reason to pay someone money for less than respectful treatment. 

Also- mango is a very cute name.  Do you have a picture of this lovely cob?


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## knightsmount (Mar 30, 2018)

I'm so sorry you're in that situation. That's awful! :frown_color:

Is there _anywhere_ else you could ride? I know you said you didn't want to switch pony clubs again, but if I heard comments like that from my trainer, I'd be gone in a minute. At the end of the day, whether your trainer personally likes your horse or not, their job is to work with you and help you improve to the best of your abilities. Comments like the ones you mentioned are not only extremely hurtful, they're completely unprofessional and unnecessary.

At the end of the day, I guess you have to decide which is more important - your "heart horse" or the opinion of a trainer you've only worked with for a few months. If she is still capable of giving you everything you ask for and more... why would you consider giving her up? It sounds like you and Mango are a great team, while you and your trainer clearly aren't. 

Take it as a challenge - prove her wrong.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

Gosh, that's rude! I'm sorry your trainer is so ill-mannered.

Is this the only option for coaching? I will not pay someone who doesn't do their job, and she is working for you 

On the other hand, knowing someone is poorly behaved, if there is some benefit to me or my horses, I'll ignore their bad manners and take the good I get from the setting.

I, too, would like to see a pic of your horse and like her name.


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## mkmurphy81 (May 8, 2015)

Where are your parents in all of this? Have they heard these remarks? They need to. They need to remind her that she is their employee, and she can be fired.



This could be even better if your trainer doesn't know both of your parents. If, for example, your mother is the one who always brings you to the barn, have your father hang around at the next competition. Have him casually engage her in conversation while you're riding. You probably know exactly what he should say to set her off. When she says something rude and unprofessional, have him rip her a new one. She needs to be told by an adult (preferably one who pays the bills) that she is out of line. Hopefully, that will be enough to make her keep her opinions to herself.


If your trainer would recognize both of your parents, use an uncle or family friend for the set up. This takes away her chance to deny everything.



Either way, it's not your job to talk to her. Your parents should not tolerate this treatment of you.


Also, you mention not being successful in the "real world." Define success and define real world. Blue ribbons are not success. The show ring is not the real world. If you and Mango are both having fun, I call that success.


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## knightsmount (Mar 30, 2018)

Boots does have a point - sometimes situations that aren't exactly ideal can be tolerated if the benefit outweighs the downsides.

However, in this situation, I stick with my initial recommendation. If she has explicitly told another instructor not to waste time on you, she cannot possibly be giving you the same level of attention that she gives the other riders, herself. 

Also, I agree - we need pictures! Mango sounds adorable! :biggrin:


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Sounds like your trainer is just a bitchy type that makes herself feel good by belittling others. Given the degree of her snarks and that she is ridiculing you & your horse to others, I would absolutely not accept it. 

I suspect a person who does this is trying also to cover her inadequacies as a trainer by belittling the horses she is failing to improve. Rest assured you will not be the only one she is picking on.

I would first ask her politely to stop it. Given your age, no harm in asking your parents to go in to bat for you too, if you want to avoid more confrontation with this piece of work. You could also do it in writing rather than speaking to her, if you preferred. If you really value her training & want to stay with her despite this, i'd Tell her she has successfully made you feel awful and as you are employing her, you will no longer accept this rude and totally unprofessional treatment, whether it's directly at you or bit ching to others about you. I'd tell her that if she has a problem with this request or continues with the belittling, you will be making a complaint.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

She'd have to be a darn good coach that's teaching me all sorts of stuff before I would put up with that nonsense! That is downright unprofessional and she needs to be put in her place, Pronto. Tell your parents, and your parents better confront the hag! She needs a confrontation from your parents. Any coach was saying that in public about my kid and their horse, they would be hiding under a chair, in the fetal position, crying!


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

^As a parent that's exactly my thought. I just tried to be... diplomatic!


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## knightsmount (Mar 30, 2018)

waresbear said:


> Any coach was saying that in public about my kid and their horse, they would be hiding under a chair, in the fetal position, crying!


I don't actually have kids, but any adult who feels the need to talk about a kid like that deserves a thorough tongue-lashing, I don't care if the kid is mine or not. It's bad enough that some people treat other adults that way, to treat a kid like that is beyond unacceptable.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Isn't 'Pony Club' an organization that is meant primarily for young people , who love horses, to learn about them, and to grow in their knowledge and confidence with equines? Isn't it a bit like Boy Scouts,? I mean, it's about having each participant become the best that THEY can be? Isn't it about the experience, verses the result? Isn't a volunteer thing,? I mean, is the coach a volunteer, or is she paid, or ? I guess I don't understand the nature of this organization.


If the coach is not helping each and every MEMBER work forward, grow, develop and gain self confidence, . . well then, what ARE they doing? is there some thing that says the coach that wins more ribbons is advanced, or paid more or? There must be some kind of weird reason for her to 'dis' your horse. I am simply mystified. truly.


If you like the group, then you are going to have to grow up a bit faster than the others and learn to shut out the critisism, and stay focussed tightly on your relationship with Mango. It may even help you , ulitmatley, since you will be working not for HER approaval, but for you own!


Best of luck. Do not let this get you down.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Parents of child need to say something, at a meeting, that's what parents are for!


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

^Giggles cos that reminded me of United States of Tara that I re-watched recently with my 15yo - 'Alice' turnturning up at the parent-teacher interview about Marshall... Go Alice!


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

You love your horse and the two of you have worked hard to get to where you are. I call that a success!

And I call your coach a complete failure. Her job is to bring each rider along and help them achieve to the best of their ability. Not every rider is going to make it to the Olympics for goodness sake. She's a snob with an importance complex.

I hope your parents have a little chat with her.


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## Vervain (Sep 14, 2018)

Your trainer is a bully. The way she's trying to turn other trainers against you and undermine your self confidence by making snarky remarks has everything to do with her ugly personality and not you. You and your mare do not exist to please her. Enjoy your heart horse, enjoy riding, nothing else matters.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

As someone who has done a lot of riding teaching, including the PC, I have had a lot,of both ponies and children I did not particularly like. Usually with both it was lack of manners or laziness. 

I would work them extra hard and be tough on them but NEVEr did I ever run them down or tell another insteuctor they were not worth teaching. 

The fact that you are jumping clear rounds says that you are on the right track. 

I agree that your parents need to be involved and set her up for failure. 

Keep you chin up, keep working and go out and beat the others. That will show her.


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Have you spoken to your parents OP? Are they aware of the issue? If so, what have they said/done? Praps you can show them this thread...


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## txgirl (Jul 9, 2010)

Good think I am not your mom or I would have gone Cajun Crazy on your trainer (and I use the term trainer very loosely)! She is unprofessional, rude and should NOT be working with children/young adults. Definitely have your parents step in if they are not already involved. Your trainer needs to apologize to you and the other trainer you caught her talking to for her unprofessionalism. I don't know how pony clubs work, but I would even get with the other members and discuss what has been happening to you, because I am sure you not the only one she is bad mouthing. Seems like your trainer has low self esteem when it comes to her ability to train and maybe even ride her own horse. But, she shouldn't take it out on students. Ok, I've calmed down. Would love to see a photo of your pony!


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

mayaaagreennn said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm a 14yo event rider, I've been riding for the last eight and a half years now, and two seasons ago *I decided to join a new pony club after a few issues with my previous one.* I moved my mare to grazing on the property and started having lessons with the head coach, but recently I've just felt we (me and the trainer) aren't really clicking as much anymore.
> 
> ...





That you have already switched clubs due to "a few issues" is a red flag for me. 



You also mention your horse can be flighty and takes a lot of patience and empathy. What exactly does that mean? Another red flag for me. 



While I don't agree with what I have placed in blue if that is truly what is going on - there are times that honest critique comes across as harsh or rude or unnecessary. If you are in a lesson that includes other riders then all of the sudden remarks that would have been taken differently in private are hurtful when in a crowd. 



What is in red is unacceptable and unprofessional. It is not something any rider should tolerate and as a minor your parents should look into this and address it. 



What I have underlined considering what you have said above and potentially a comment taken out of context I would want to speak to the trainer as a parent with a child that rides and determine for myself what was meant by the remark. I can see a horse being purchased that is unsuitable because the parent does not realize that the horse is not suitable or is swayed by the child or seller. I have seen that actually on several occasions. 



What is in green I also wonder about as every rider has off days and when in lesson with several other students it can certainly seem if one is being picked on. When that happens here they usually rib each other about it and double up on their efforts then laugh with each other after the class. But if you truly feel she has singled you out and is treating you unfairly whether others notice or not it is time to get your parents involved. 



I don't know that I would go so far as to set the instructor up as that is a recipe for resentment if there is nothing untoward going on. Better to just be present and sit back and watch. That may mean someone unknown but also unbiased needs to be observing.


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

When I was a teen i used to ride in Drill team. The team was highly political. The coach favored the girls that rode and took lessons on her horses. No one liked me very much. My mare was awesome and i was one of the few riders that could cover any position if someone didn't show up. When the fair competition came, they benched me in favor of the other girls. One girl's horse bucked during the competition, and one girl donated blood right before competition and was sick. 

What made up for it? I took as many nights as i could which meant free entry to the fair as many times as i wanted. Still had to buy ride tickets, but it was worth dealing with the drama for that. 

You have to decide if it is worth tolerating the situation you are in, and ignoring the comments. Or you can find a different coach or team. I didn't particularly like my 4H coach either. 

I was much happier once i joined the adult drill team. They appreciated my talents. 

Don't switch ponies - it sounds like you have a lovely horse. 

I don't know why your coach doesn't like you, but even as an adult I find people are very particular about who they want to spend time with. My friend and i were just discussing this the other day. There are some people who just take a disliking to you and rather not have you around. Your coach may be tired and over worked, but that doesn't excuse her behavior.


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## Feathers7 (Jun 11, 2019)

Oh honey, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I had a similar experience when I was younger. I was once told I was too fat for my horse - I burst into tears and immediately checked online if I was because I didn't want to hurt my horse. Obviously I wasn't - that person was just being cruel because "dressage is all about image." I LOVE the sound of you and Mango - so cute and such a great relationship you have with your pony! You should love her and not give her up!

You say you don't want to disappoint your trainer, but you've also explained how your trainer treats you badly. I'm going to let you in on a really nifty little "life secret": if somebody treats you badly, you shouldn't worry about disappointing them! I mean, sometimes you have to give your parents a pass - they're family, I'm sure they try their best, so that doesn't always apply to them. Mmkay? =) 

I think it's time to talk to your parents, and have them talk to your coach. Your coach needs to know how hurtful she's being. If she doesn't care, then it's time to leave and find someone who DOES care about you! Then Mango, your parents, and you will all be very happy! (And if you DO leave, it might be a good idea for your parents to find out of your coach has a 'boss' and talk to that person.) Honestly, your coach is acting like a spoiled child or a rotten teenager - she is not acting like a good coach. There's a difference between 'tough love' and 'no love'. 'Tough love' is the trainer who makes you work hard before telling you 'great job today! You guys did great out there!' And 'no love' is a trainer who blames your mount when there's nothing wrong with him, or badmouths you to other trainers. 'No love' is your current coach.

I'm going to copy what you said in your post - pretend that a friend of yours posted this on horseforum.com, and you have to give that friend advice. You have to answer the question: does this coach sounds like a person who is worth your friend's time and tears?



> Sometimes during our lessons, she makes rude/harsh/unnecessary comments about my mare's appearance or the way she works and then, at pony club rallies, she cracks jokes to the other trainers/parents about how the two of us will never be successful in the "real world".





> Sometimes during our lessons, she makes rude/harsh/unnecessary comments about my mare's appearance or the way she works and then, at pony club rallies, she cracks jokes to the other trainers/parents about how the two of us will never be successful in the "real world".





> I heard her come right out and say, "I wouldn't waste too much time on Maya and Mango if I were you, there's no point. Neither of them are right for the sport; who in their right mind would ever buy a horse like that?"


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Agree with the general trend of the comments. I would ask you, though, what your goals are for yourself and your mare. 

Some trainers are so consumed with the goal of getting their students "to the top" of whatever their discipline is that they quite consciously cull the less promising, just like a pro would cull a show string of horses, selling the least talented as soon as they can be replaced with something more promising. Producing top winning riders how one makes a reputation in the pro training world. Since most trainers still need the income stream from the less competitive students they often just string them along giving them substandard attention and (in your case) indulging themselves in treating them poorly in every other way too, until those 'culled' students finally drift off with their confidence and joy damaged. These are very unpleasant human beings, in my view, and utterly out of place in a Pony Club setting. 

This is clearly a terrible fit of trainer and rider. But if you want to stop cycling through trainers, you need to figure out what YOU want, and go for it. If what you want is to have fun low-level eventing, there is no reason on earth to pay some snotty trainer with fantasies of being a Big Name to insult you and your horse. The job of getting clear about your goals -- YOUR goals, not those of the trainer, the Pony Club, your peers, or anyone else -- is totally on you, though.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Your trainer obviously thinks who she is & probably believes a big ego & ribbons is better than actually teaching or making students feel good about themselves. Ha, I know quite a few 'trainers' like that...

I think you need to get a new trainer...period. I'd also show your parents this thread if I were you. I feel like if you're paying for her, and she's acting like a snob/talking crap, it's time for her to go. You can definitely do better.

I'm not familiar with Pony Club personally, but I thought it was supposed to be fun & nothing crazy, no crazy pressure.

Your trainer should be honest with you, but also ENCOURAGE you. Work with you, etc. Not put you down like that. If you need to work on things with your horse, there are far better, nicer ways to go about it IMO. That's uncalled for, how she's acting. 

Enjoy your horse, & definitely find another trainer to work with you, who will appreciate you, and help you...not tear you down. That's no way to learn. Trainers can be tough & challenge you, but putting you down like that is another thing...nope.


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## jrc111 (Aug 7, 2017)

There are two ways in this world to look good: do good yourself, or make others look bad. Sounds like your trainer is in the latter category. It’s the trainer’s job to get you good. Get a new one!


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## ssperrault (Apr 3, 2013)

I would agree with nearly all that’s been said. Never give up your heart horse - lose your trainer instead. Don’t take guff from anyone- she’s trying to belittle you to prop herself up. People who do that are not worth your time nor your parents’ money.


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