# Am I Being too Sensitive?



## 281187 (Sep 19, 2019)

Talk to both your Boss and your Trainer. 

Explain to them how you've been feeling and how their behavior has had an adverse effect on you. 

Your Boss and Trainer are not gods. They are not inherently "better" or "more important" then you. Your feelings matter and taking the time to discuss them with those who have hurt them is important. 

You are not wasting their time by doing so. Your emotional and mental health is invaluable and if either of them are halfway decent people, they will understand that and make efforts to help you feel more comfortable in the future.


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## KylieandReily1 (Apr 17, 2020)

Thank you for your words of encouragement! I also should’ve noted that my boss and trainer are the same person , I just used them interchangeably so that’s bound to cause confusion.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

If you learned things one way before, and are now being told to do them differently, you should feel free to ask for an explanation as to why the old way is wrong. Don't feel defensive, just ask .


This may be a tough situation that will make you a tougher person. Don't give up.


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## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

So the big difference I see is you are not "paying" what you did in the past when you showed, took more lessons and leased a horse...the money pit has dried up some when you bought your own horse.
The other thing is with a green horse you are both learning and no longer is the instructor crowing her accolades of look what I taught to do cause you no longer are sitting on a made machine but teaching a horse what and how to do...it takes time and patience to accomplish those things. 
You are learning tons of new information and skills but you have the right to ask and should ask questions when you not understand why the old way you were taught is "wrong" or is it just different from what they like.

I use to work in barns. Every employer wanted things done their way.
It wasn't mine was wrong, but different, so as they paid my salary I learned a new approach to use on their horses, but when mine...I rode and handled my horse as I saw fit and was comfortable.
No one should be short with you,_ that is unacceptable and rude._
You need to stand firm and tell them to please explain but not belittle or criticize you for things you were taught differently. 
_Teach me, explain to me and give me a new way to do...but do so with respect._

You might have a trainer who suddenly realizes you know a lot more than they realized and can go distances solo not needing her so much and to spend so much $$ anymore...the money-pit is drying up.
It is also common that working student positions change dynamics of trainer/boss when you are not so "in-awe" of them anymore. You have enough knowledge now to question methods and approach they want used. 

In actuality bet you could move on to another facility commanding a job. 
I bet you know more than you realize and are astute enough to realize their way is not always the only or best..
:runninghorse2:...


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## Interstellar (Feb 15, 2020)

Could it be possible you told your skills or sold yourself differently than you're coming off? It sounds to me, as someone who employees people on farms, that would be hard for me to realize that I hired someone who said they were capable at certain things and isn't doing them correctly or a way I deem safe and satisfactory to my horses. 

What are you doing incorrectly? What are her tips?

12 horses is a lot for one trainer to deal with on a daily basis, and if you're doing things slow it could be hindering her ability to go through her daily activities. 

Honestly, I agree that your mental health is very important as is standing up for yourself, but on the other hand working student positions aren't supposed to give you warm fuzzies. They're there for hard work, learning how someone does something, and doing it. Working student positions taught me how to zip my lips and put my head down and really learn. 

Ask questions if you're unsure, but show your boss that you're trying hard and want to learn.

Also, you bought an OTTB, who's green, when it doesn't sound like you have any experience with green horses. Of course you're going to have to go back to the very very basics of your riding and training. 

It doesn't sound to me that the trainer is being abusive or mean at all, just trying to teach you. Some people will hold your hand along the way, others will be hard on you and push you. It depends on your learning style and what you respond to.


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## KylieandReily1 (Apr 17, 2020)

Interstellar said:


> Could it be possible you told your skills or sold yourself differently than you're coming off? It sounds to me, as someone who employees people on farms, that would be hard for me to realize that I hired someone who said they were capable at certain things and isn't doing them correctly or a way I deem safe and satisfactory to my horses.
> 
> What are you doing incorrectly? What are her tips?
> 
> ...



It only takes me a couple of hours to do all of my tasks now, at first it took me a lot longer but I’m much faster now, my mistakes are more with my own horse than my job. It’s more like I’ll do things the way I was taught and they’re wrong so it’s like I’m starting from square one almost which I feel like is frustrating for both my trainer and I, I thought I was a decent rider and on my way to becoming a decent horsewoman, but I’m just really unsure now because it seems everything I have been taught is wrong so it takes a little longer for me to adjust to the new methods. My trainer isn’t mean at all, she is great, she really is, I just feel more like a burden than an asset to her and I just want to be useful and easy to teach. It also doesn’t help that I am shy and a little awkward almost I feel. I have never owned a green horse, I have ridden them with past trainers, but like I said, not correctly. I’m just a bit discouraged and disappointed in myself I think.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

I am not a great rider but one thing I figured out is that every barn and trainer have a different approach to horse management, training and riding. When I used to switch schools I would always spend at least a few lessons asking about how they do things but more importantly, observing the staff. Obviously, the breadth of issues is much more limited for a riding school student than a working student.

As for asking questions, you can ask but only a few top trainers will be able to give you coherent answers. Most trainers work out of instinct built on previous experiences without being able to discern why they chose a particular approach for a particular horse. They might attempt an explanation but I figured out most of them don’t really KNOW why something works and doesn’t work on a specific horse - it isn’t an exact science, after all. 

It would help if you gave us examples of what it is that you are getting “wrong” but from what you have written I get a feeling that you are doing fine, just keep it up and in a few months you will be on top of it. 

I personally wouldn’t approach the trainer about how you are feeling. From what I gather, it has more to do with your own self confidence than anything the trainer is doing. You are the only person that can fix your own self confidence. If you burden the trainer with those feelings, she might retreat and shy away from giving you criticism and that is the last thing you want. Just remember, in the grand scheme of things, you are giving her labor and she is giving you knowledge. If you are unhappy with the knowledge you are getting, find a different solution. But you aren’t there for emotional support and she isn’t obliged to provide it. (Unless I misunderstood and she is abusing you - than stand up for yourself or leave)


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## Interstellar (Feb 15, 2020)

KylieandReily1 said:


> It only takes me a couple of hours to do all of my tasks now, at first it took me a lot longer but I’m much faster now, my mistakes are more with my own horse than my job. It’s more like I’ll do things the way I was taught and they’re wrong so it’s like I’m starting from square one almost which I feel like is frustrating for both my trainer and I, I thought I was a decent rider and on my way to becoming a decent horsewoman, but I’m just really unsure now because it seems everything I have been taught is wrong so it takes a little longer for me to adjust to the new methods. My trainer isn’t mean at all, she is great, she really is, I just feel more like a burden than an asset to her and I just want to be useful and easy to teach. It also doesn’t help that I am shy and a little awkward almost I feel. I have never owned a green horse, I have ridden them with past trainers, but like I said, not correctly. I’m just a bit discouraged and disappointed in myself I think.


You came from a lesson program riding already trained horses. You're young and don't have experience. To think you'll be able to retrain a horse and do everything well your first time around the block is completely unobtainable. You don't have the knowledge, experience, or skills necessary. You don't seem open to learning, because instead of putting your head down and working through the issues presented, you internalize them.
A trainer correcting you on what you're doing incorrectly is how training _works_. Just because it's your own horse doesn't change that or that something you're doing is incorrect. You cannot ride a fresh off the track horse like you would a school pony. 
I think you need to look at the top riders and trainers in any sport and realize they're all well over 40. This isn't a sport where decent or good happens quickly. You have to earn your stripes through years and years of work and training. 
If you're having issues adjusting to new methods, work through it yourself. 
Any job in any field you'll have this time period of adjustment, and you'll get criticism for doing something incorrectly and you have to be able to nod, say okay, and change the problem. 
All of this has nothing to do with horses, and everything to do with becoming an adult. If you have a job, you have to be adaptable, flexible, and ready to work and fix mistakes.


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## Change (Jul 19, 2014)

@Interstellar hit the issue on the nose. You are young and have never started/re-trained a green horse. Don't take your trainer's comments as being personally directed at your ability. Listen to what she's saying and, if appropriate, ask her to clarify what she's said. I've started many horses, taken in horses with issues that needed re-starting to get rid of bad behaviors, and taught others to ride and train. I won't call myself a professional trainer as I don't do it for a living; I just love horses and riding. 

I sometimes say things that make perfect sense to me, but are totally misunderstood by the person I'm talking to. It is up to them to ask me what I meant. I can't read minds. I'm sometimes curt, because I think something is obvious. But that doesn't take into consideration the other person's past experience. It's perfectly fine to say you don't understand and request clarification. 

Show your trainer you want to learn and are curious and willing to absorb - and apply - what she can teach you. Be confident enough to ask questions, and accept that it may be different than what you have previously learned. 

One of the greatest challenges in life is to learn that there are many ways to do anything. The people who become sponges willing to learn and understand as many approaches as possible to do something become the best at succeeding. You are lucky that you are in a position to learn from her. Take advantage of this opportunity.


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## kkwilly (Apr 27, 2020)

In my experience, the worse you get yelled at, the more things stick. I grew up at a barn where I was youngest and got in trouble for EVERYTHING, and I do mean everything. It still happens every now and again now that I'm in my 20s. If you're truly serious about horses, you will come to your own conclusions the more places you go to. I've worked at barns where the horses were turned out 24/7 and I've worked at barns where they lived most of their lives in stall. I was lucky to have been taught 'the right way' growing up (inspite of the yelling) and I can call B.S. in a lot situations today. That being said, don't let yourself get to a point where horses are more of a chore than they are a love. Most everyone starts out with the love of the horse and experiences such as these make them more prone to bitterness. Just my two cents.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

Interstellar said:


> You came from a lesson program riding already trained horses. You're young and don't have experience. To think you'll be able to retrain a horse and do everything well your first time around the block is completely unobtainable. You don't have the knowledge, experience, or skills necessary. You don't seem open to learning, because instead of putting your head down and working through the issues presented, you internalize them.
> A trainer correcting you on what you're doing incorrectly is how training _works_. Just because it's your own horse doesn't change that or that something you're doing is incorrect. You cannot ride a fresh off the track horse like you would a school pony.
> I think you need to look at the top riders and trainers in any sport and realize they're all well over 40. This isn't a sport where decent or good happens quickly. You have to earn your stripes through years and years of work and training.
> If you're having issues adjusting to new methods, work through it yourself.
> ...


Really, The employers that I work for tell me what they want and I do it. If I need clarification I ask and they clarify respectfully. Mostly because in my line of work, criticizing and belittling is absolutely not allowed and I have no problem not allowing it. Also, they know that rolling the eyes and getting exasperated will get them nowhere and they need the job done correctly and safely. Things just don't get done correctly and safely when all you have is a bunch of people walking around on eggshells when you are around being critical. Come to think of it, if someone acted like that at my job, most would just laugh at them and be on there way. Life is too precious to dealing with not so nice people.

Honestly O/P, I would do just as asked on the work aspect of the deal and when a comment is made about how you handle your own horse, just have a conversation with the B/O/trainer. Tell her that you were taught differently by someone else and would like to know her opinions and the why's of her thinking differently. Try not to take her different approach as criticism or that you are doing it wrong, but just a different way. You will probably end up using a mixture of her ways and what you already know to bring this green horse along.


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## Vaquera (Jan 16, 2020)

I think there’s a lot going on here that I won’t be able to explain in one post. I want to let you know that I don’t think you are at any kind of fault here so please don’t be offended by my words. I simply think you are very inexperienced (not a bad thing!) in a lot of ways and I actually think this experience will be very good for you in a lot of these ways.

1.) As far as feeling like you’re not doing anything right at this barn, in a weird sense you’re probably right but let me explain by what I mean by that: horse people ALL have different opinions on how they like to do things and what they think of as right and they are very very set in their ways as to what that is and are very vocal about doing it that way. It’s not so much that YOU are wrong but that, in their eyes, any way except theirs is. I’ve worked at a ton of barns since I was 16 and my best advice every time I go to a new barn is forget what you know and ask them how they like it done. You get open to new ways of doing things that you may or may not like and doing it their way and being open to it makes your boss happier and avoids issues over method and ideology.

2.) A lot of horse people don’t mince their words. Look at the ways trainers correct their horses- it’s immediate and firm but there is no resentment. It’s just a quick, sometimes hard correction but there’s no hard feelings. A lot of trainers teach people the exact same way. A lot of people especially young people aren’t used to dealing with people like that and so I do understand how at your young age it can seem a personal thing but I assure you it definitely isn’t. The adult world deals with people differently than how high schoolers and teachers deal with each other which is truly all most high school age people have experience with so I think this opportunity is very good for you and will benefit you in the future. Instead of getting beaten by the criticism, just think about how every bit of it is molding you into a better rider. If that trainer didn’t care for you they wouldn’t be correcting you. That trainer wants to see you succeed and all those nitpicking criticisms are going to shape you into an insanely phenomenal rider if you accept them and run with them. That trainer is the sculptor who is chipping away the imperfections on you.

3.) Training horses is arduous, slow, and very very humbling even for experienced trainers. When I started riding 3 year olds for my current trainer I was humbled extremely quickly. I went from going down the fence on finished horses to not being able to walk in a straight line on a horse he placed high on Congress in. Teaching horses is very slow and LEARNING HOW to teach horses is very slow. There’s a difference between being a good rider and being a good trainer and you have to learn how to train a horse and that’s a whole different skill set than learning how to ride one well. It opens you up to a world of things you’ve never thought about before and can be very very hard. Some green broke horses are decent and some take advantage of you and can leave you in tears. A lot of trainers admit ruining horses especially when starting out. Don’t feel bad for it at all. A lot of these trainers are a lot older and have spent a huge portion of their lives being humbled by horses and still get humbled. You’re 18. Rome wasn’t built in a day and if you keep at it through the tears and confusion and grind through with an open mind for learning you’ll be walking in their boots one day.

That’s basically most of what I have to say. In answer to the titular question, yes you are however I believe it’s expected given your age and life experience and these are great experiences to learn and grow from. HOWEVER you are also your best advocate and if you feel you are truly being treated unfairly and don’t like it then you need to voice that to other people. It’s imperative you feel comfortable addressing concerns to other individuals because people are like horses, they’ll treat you about as far as what you’re willing to put up with. I hope this helped!


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## KylieandReily1 (Apr 17, 2020)

Thank you so much for all of your advice and words of wisdom! I hope everyone knows I have really really taken in to heart and stepped back and gained some introspection, I stuck with it as most of you pointed out and my horse and I have been making some really great progress! I stopped taking things so deeply to heart and I basically set myself on a clean slate and started asking more questions and really soaking in all the incredible knowledge my trainer is giving me. I’m really realizing how ignorant I am and how much I have to learn, I really appreciate all the advice! Thank you so much to all of you!


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## Interstellar (Feb 15, 2020)

KylieandReily1 said:


> Thank you so much for all of your advice and words of wisdom! I hope everyone knows I have really really taken in to heart and stepped back and gained some introspection, I stuck with it as most of you pointed out and my horse and I have been making some really great progress! I stopped taking things so deeply to heart and I basically set myself on a clean slate and started asking more questions and really soaking in all the incredible knowledge my trainer is giving me. I’m really realizing how ignorant I am and how much I have to learn, I really appreciate all the advice! Thank you so much to all of you!


That's a great way to look at it. 100%. Every time you're with a new trainer - I don't care who you are - you're ignorant. That's how horses are. They make you ignorant and you'll always learn something new, every single day. 
Keep that mentality for life.


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## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

As a former working student, those feelings are 100% normal. From what I understood, this is your first time both working in a barn and working under a trainer. 
You will feel inadequate and like you don't know anything. 
*BUT*
Don't let it keep you from learning. 

Sadly, horse people say what they mean and mean what they say. It sounds like your trainer expects you to be at a certain level. Have you reached out to your trainer for clarity? Every horse person has little different ways of doing things. Especially if you're in a training barn (like I was) it is the trainer's way or the highway. 

I encourage you to ask questions and keep pushing through. There is a HUGE learning curve going from a hobby to working under a professional. If you feel like you're in way over your head, please reach out to your trainer. One of the best things I did was take five minutes to make sure that my wraps looked the right way (as a dressage rider and working under a dressage trainer, the appearance of the wraps was crucial) 

That being said, I wouldn't trade my time as a working student for anything. It helped me find the value in the horses, the profession, and myself. You'll learn things well beyond riding and mucking that will stick with you for years. It sounds like everyone has given you some good advice, and I do hope that you update us! 

Keep your chin up and keep pushing on. It is absolutely terrifying, but it sounds like you've got this.


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## Light (Mar 4, 2012)

Hi. I didn’t read replies so it may have been said. 

Talk to your trainer now! Tell her politely and honestly how you feel. She probably doesn’t know. 

I have been a working student before. One thing I have noticed is allot of trainers are control freaks. Nothing wrong with that. But I am sure she doesn’t know she is making you feel like she does. 

Every trainer has many reasons behind why they do what they do and will insist it be done their way and if you are working for them, just do it how they want.

Everyone makes mistakes. Just own yours if you make it and try not to repeat it. 

I try to not say I am sorry. I feel it diminishes the word if said all the time. So if I am corrected I wil acknowledge “ Oh, okay,” then demonstrate to make sure I am doing it right. 

Hang in there but do talk to her. I am sure she doesn’t know.


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## thepancakepony (Nov 13, 2020)

Ask for more detail. Here are some questions you should ask her, what exactly am I doing wrong?, why am I doing it?, what can I do to fix it?. A lot of times I find people just need more detail.


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