# No idea what to do.



## jumper161 (Oct 29, 2021)

Hey!

Super sorry you had to go through that, it sounds really tough. And I definitely get the PTSD from past coaches/trainers. Based on what you said about your prior experiences with her, I would probably give her another chance. I do like to offer people the benefit of the doubt, potentially she had been having a crappy day already, and paired with show stress, I can see how someone might blow their lid, especially since I'm guessing she assumed it was your fault at the beginning. If your experiences with her in the past have been good, I would say stick with it and see. BUT definitely have some firm boundaries around what you're willing to handle from her in the future. You know what's best for you at the end of the day and you definitely need to protect your own inner peace. If possible and you feel comfortable enough, maybe bring it up to her again? Definitely not if you aren't comfortable, but maybe if you could just give it a few days to cool off and then bring it up to her, just to mention again that it wasn't your fault and you hope that there aren't bad feelings between the two of you. Not sure what else might help you in your situation, but I hope that might be a start!

Best of luck! I hope things work out for you and I hope you feel better!


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## Part-Boarder (Aug 17, 2019)

Gosh, it sounds like a high pressure situation. She was likely just frustrated. If you could turn up last minute like that and do relatively well, perhaps if the timing had gone smoother, you would have done even better (ie she’s trained you and this was a big moment for both of you, so could have been a big let down for her that you were late).

Some people can’t let things go as easily, and it sounds like she has high standards and is invested in your success. If her teaching is sound and she’s not overly harsh in your normal training life, I say just chalk it up to a bad day - neither of you were at your best.


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## Sumner'sAcorn (Oct 8, 2021)

She sounds like a total jerk. It's not you, believe me. I really don't get how people can be so vile over nothing. I mentor new grad nurses in a fast-paced high-stress environment where people could be killed, and I would never treat one of them like that. And believe me, with everyone doing their best, stuff goes wrong and people mix stuff up due to an insane amount of pressure. Yelling at them and being nasty is always just going to make everything worse. I want them to be able to come to me with questions. An equestrian instructor should not be trying to destroy a student's self-esteem.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

I am sorry this happened to you.

But - you need to learn to stand up for yourself. Even if it was your fault, this is such a minor thing. Even if you missed the whole show. It’s a hobby, it’s not a nuclear plant that’s going to blow up if you don’t show up on time.

Never allow anyone to berate you and especially not about silly things like a hobby. If you endangered someone’s life - yes, sure - a berating is in order. But allowing yourself to be shouted at about safety pins and frivolous pieces of clothing is just not done.

You are still young so you are busy finding your voice but it is definitely time to practice saying “Enough” and “No”.

If you come into it with a mindset “I will not allow rudeness” miraculously most people don’t even try their nonsense. They somehow feel it - I haven’t had anyone be rude to me in decades (not counting random strangers but those get sorted out with a smile very quickly).

This is a skill that is crucial in life, not just in horse riding and this is a perfect opportunity to practice it as the stakes are so low. The worst that can happen is you have to move your horses - not exactly a disaster of epic proportions, more an inconvenience than anything else.

You can start by having a friendly chat with the offender. Be amiable but firm - this will not happen again. Speak your mind and don’t ask/listen to excuses. Just end the conversation firmly when you’ve said what was on your mind (“Doesn’t matter, it’s in the past - let’s just focus on the future” - smile). And be prepared to walk away with your horses. No use staying and hating it, is there? You will feel much better afterwards, even if you have to leave.

And if this particular discipline is a magnet for crazies - switch disciplines.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

This might not be something you feel capable of doing, but my advice would be to speak with her. Perhaps ask her why she got so particularly upset, and did she not understand that it was not helpful when you were trying to cope at the last moment. Reiterate that you did not know you were showing at that time, and that you did the best you could, given the circumstances and will try not to let that happen again. I guess I mean you are an adult now, not a child. you can speak to her as another adult, no?


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

I am one for a wait and see approach with her. If she’s nasty tomorrow then maybe you will have to decide what is worth it, but it was a high stress situation and we all make mistakes. She was in the wrong, but if she’s sweet and kind tomorrow then maybe she just had something in the background happen. Either way, it wasn’t about you. You are not a late type of person (according to what you wrote).

One thing you have going for you is that there is another trainer who did not act the same as she did. You did very well with little time and high stress, so you should be proud of yourself. That was what was you in the situation.

@Horsef is right though. I wish I was more like her. People with the confidence to have expectations of good treatment tend to get it. Don’t you see those people no one would mess with? Those people rock.

I am not one of them sadly. My oldest daughter is. Naturally she is the type people show respect. She got in a bad accident and it messed with her emotions among other things, and I saw her act weak for the first time in her life. Some people jumped on that, and immediately took to trying to tear her down (imagine people picking on someone with a brain injury). I hated seeing her act weak, but I learned from it.

Now she’s back to herself. Her memory is still messed up, but she’s herself again. I am so relieved. She is not a weak person, and most people are back to treating her the way she expects. There is so much truth to what @Horsef said. I have seen it. Try and not be a weak person. Life will treat you kinder.


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## Zimalia22 (Jun 15, 2021)

I guess I'm just old enough, have taken enough of that kind of crap over the years, I don't take it anymore. 
I would have told her if she can't help, then get out. 
People will dish that crud out as long as there's someone to take it. I don't anymore.
She owes you an appology BIG TIME! I would tell her if I don't get an appology, I'm outta here! 
You are paying her for her HELP and experience, not to be chewed on and treated like a 2 year old. You can just as easily pay someone else. She needs to know that.


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## bobrameters (Nov 4, 2019)

Some folks just can't handle pressure and explode all over others around them. She needs to learn to step back and ask, "In the big scheme of things, does this really matter? Is this life or death? Is this worth losing a client?" You are her customer, she is not yours. Will she apologize? There are a lot of people these days who never apologize for anything, and that's their loss. If you can shake this off, forgive her, and move on, you will grow some thick skin and admiration from others who struggle with that. Good luck!!


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