# Confidence - Does your weight bother you?



## NagTrader

I struggle with confidence when in the saddle. I am fine when I am happy hacking, I can go anywhere alone or with my friends.... But the second I try to do more, fun rides, beach rides, group lessons, anything like that I begin to panic about it. I think some of it is fear of people judging me and my riding (and my size) but honestly... I dont know what the route cause is. 

I have a lovely horse, he is a big thoroughbred but he has a real ploddy brain. He doesn't have a nasty bone in his body. I have only fallen off of him once, and I was lucky enough not to hurt myself... so I dont think it is a fear of falling as such but I suppose that could be some of it. 

I guess what I am asking is does anyone else have this issue? Confidence loss for no real reason other than fear of what other people think? If so... Did you manage to get over it? And how did you get over it? 










A picture of me with my boy


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## BlindHorseEnthusiast4582

I understand worrying about what others thing, but I think of it in the sense that everyone should be trying to better themselves, and that means they shouldn't be concerned about what everyone else is doing! Worry about yourself, and only yourself, and you'll notice a lot more of the small little accomplishments/special moments with your horse (nobody else can give you that feeling!)

Personally I think you look great, and your gorgeous hunk there seems perfectly happy with you, that's all that really matters 

On a side note, are you short or is he really tall? Just curious, not relevant to anything XD


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## Golden Horse

Liking your post, because I like your picture.

I’m old I don’t care much what people think. When it comes to size the only opinions that matter are your horse, your coach, your vet, maybe your farrier....outside of that, none of their business.


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## beau159

NagTrader said:


> I guess what I am asking is does anyone else have this issue? Confidence loss for no real reason other than fear of what other people think? If so... Did you manage to get over it?* And how did you get over it? *


Stop worrying about what other people think.

I know, I know -- that's easier said then done. But seriously consider it. 

Sometimes it starts with being happy with yourself. If there is something YOU don't like about yourself, then change it. But let that decision come from YOU and not from anyone else's opinion or judgement. Be who you want to be, and be happy with that. 

Who cares what anyone else thinks....

Lovely horse by the way!


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## gingerscout

I only even considered weight when I tried to take lessons.. most barns around me won't let you ride if your over a twig.. definitely less weight than most guys I know. Once I got out and started riding.. most people said I look good on my horse and I don't worry about what other people think of me any more. There is a plus sized rider group on Facebook I found where everyone is super nice and supportive, and makes everyone feel welcome.. Plus just the company your are with.. if they are positive it makes your riding experience positive


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## seabiscuit91

I completely understand that self consciousness mindset.
Something I've always struggled with personally whether it horse related or just in everyday life. 
It is such a mind over matter deal. 

And it certainly is easier said than done. I know personally i shouldn't mind what others think of me, knowing I'm trying my hardest each ride to better myself. But it is still hard to push out all the self doubt. Somedays are way easier than others. 

I would just try not to be hard on yourself. Know that you're doing everything you can, your trying, your self aware. And try tell yourself it only matters what you think of you. Nobody else. Try it in baby steps when it comes to pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. Make a goal that once a week/fortnight/month you'll do something that pushes you. Soon as you do you'll probably realise how fun and easy it was and move onto the next.
If you're self concious in how you look (you shouldn't be) but you can always treat yourself to some new breeches or something you feel good in that makes you happy with how you look.
While we shouldn't care what others think, sometimes it is hard and you need to spoil yourself a little to get there!


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## yeswaitnosorry

Love your photo. What a great pair. 
I can relate to your feelings, but getting out and doing is the most important thing. 
And if you and your boy are enjoying it together, that's all that matters. 
Try not to let fear of others opinions spoil your fun!


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## Trinket12

The only time it bothers me, is in sitting trot and the ‘girls’ get a little bouncy ☺☺


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## Horsef

Trinket12 said:


> The only time it bothers me, is in sitting trot and the ‘girls’ get a little bouncy ☺☺


Oh boy, do I know what you mean!

I'm not overweight but endowed ladies like me should think of that before buying a horse with a lot of action :/ It feels like I'm going to knock myself out one of these days.

I had two old pervs blatantly move their chairs to the edge of the school to watch the girls. I was so self-conscious that I had to switch to posting when moving in their direction. 

Once I had to get off because my bra snapped and it was too painful to trot, even with posting.


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## LoriF

As one gets older, most just don't care what others think anymore. It's not because they have no choice either. I've always hated pics of me, always. The funny thing is, when I look back on old photos, I think "Hey, I really wasn't that bad, but now, Oh No". I guess my point is, I should have never hated myself in photos. I should have enjoyed who I was at the moment. 

Personally, I think you are pretty and the two of you look so dang cute together. Enjoy it.

This reminds me of when my middle niece was learning to drive a tractor at 13. She was so busy looking around to see who was looking at her, she ran it into a tree and was so embarrassed. If she was concentrated on enjoying the experience she probably would have aced it.

I'm not going to sit here and say that it's ok to be overweight because everyone knows that it's healthier to not be carrying around added extra weight. But, I know lots of heavier ladies that look fabulous. 

I just got through visiting that same niece who is now 29 and has three children. She was trying to show me her double chin that she hates so much when she looks at photos of herself. For the life of me, I'm just not seeing what she sees. There is no double chin there. I just don't get it. She's a grand total of about 115 lbs. I feel bad that she goes throughout her days hating something about herself that isn't even there unless she puts her chin all the way down to her chest. And then, at best, it's just skin.

Start finding things about yourself that you love and concentrate on those. Believe me, it gets easier with more practice.


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## Caledonian

Generally, I don’t think weight matters; it’s more about the way a person rides.

I’ve seen many larger people ride like they weigh nothing and thin people sit like a ‘sack a tatties’ as my old teacher would say – slouched, unbalanced and the horse looks like it’s carrying a ton. 

If people have a problem with your size and riding then it says more about the type of people they are than yourself.


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## mmshiro

I guess I have a subset of this problem: I get anxious when I'm being put on the spot. Like you, I'm comfortable doing "my thing", but as soon as someone's watching me to evaluate my performance, I get nervous. I think you could call it "generalized stage fright". 

I didn't get over it. To cope, I use avoidance or 0.5mg of Xanax. :grin: I'm not a performer, and my days of taking exams regularly are over, so it's not a huge impairment.

As for riding, I'm mostly concerned with how my horse thinks I'm riding, which helps me to improve. Every time I didn't give timely release or used unintentional aids, I am acutely aware that I have just confused my horse. So there is actually an upside to it. I guess you have to make sure that you value the opinions of those who you think are judging you.


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## chanda95

I don't have a confidence loss...but my weight does bother me. I never used to be heavy until 9 years ago when I started working an office job. Before that I was a park ranger and was active. Weight was never an issue. Even after I had my son I was never as heavy as I was during my office job. I quit my job about a month ago and I am hoping to be more active again and lose a bit. I hate being this heavy. It's NOT what others think of me - it's how I feel physically. I know some of my most recent aches and pains are weight related and that is why I want to lose. 

I think you and your horse are adorable and you make a great team. That's what matters the most.


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## Knave

I can?t see the picture, but I think that you should remind yourself when you start loosing confidence that the people that you want to think highly of you are not the kind of people that judge others negativity for something as silly as their weight. Where I live big people ride small horses and no one thinks a thing of it.


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## Knave

Ahh, I can?t edit. Losing, not loosing. Lol


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## blue eyed pony

Honestly, even _I_ get comments on my weight occasionally - and I am TINY. Usually when I'm on ponies, rather than big horses, but still - I am not even close to being too heavy for any but the very smallest of ponies. I might look a little silly on them but they definitely aren't under excessive weight with me on their backs.

You have a lovely big strong-looking horse, and despite your unflattering sweater, you're not THAT big. I'd bet money that there's fit, healthy men who weigh significantly more than you, who ride 14hh QHs in heavy Western tack. And nobody comments on their weight. Even if people decide to be hateful, you're better off ignoring them. So they think you're too heavy for your big strong TB, but a man heavier than you with a (probably) heavier saddle is not too heavy for his titchy little QH? 

You know where that comes from? Sexism.

You know what you DON'T have to listen to? Sexists.


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## gingerscout

oh try being a plus sized guy riding western in an english barn.. you want to talk about bad comments.. its not sexism.. its just crappy people who have to make themselves feel better by putting others down, like said that's not the kind of people you need to be hanging around with


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## blue eyed pony

gingerscout said:


> oh try being a plus sized guy riding western in an english barn.. you want to talk about bad comments.. its not sexism.. its just crappy people who have to make themselves feel better by putting others down, like said that's not the kind of people you need to be hanging around with


My point is, there are fit healthy men who weigh more than many "plus sized" women, and nobody says a single thing. Let's stop pretending it's the horse we're worried about. If (say) 200lb is too much for a horse, that excludes quite a few fit healthy ranchers from riding their ranch horses. You know, those little QHs that carry them all day and then some? 

Women get told from WAY less than 200lb that they're too heavy to ride, even if they're on horses that are more than able to carry them. Men? Not so much. Men have a higher threshold. And that's sexist.


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## Knave

I think that gingerscout is probably right though. I don?t think it?s women vs. men. I think that the men you are talking about live in my world. Cowboys don?t get told their big, but neither do their female counterparts. We also don?t live in a town/barn setting. I?m sure in an English barn where little women ride big horses is is prevelent to each sex. Just obnoxious people being jerks.

I read a quote once that said ?people only treat you how they feel about themselves.?


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## blue eyed pony

I ride English, so how about I use an English riding analogy?

I know a girl who's maybe 80kg (not sure exactly what that is in pounds but it's somewhere around 170? by my math) who gets told she's too big for her 500kg/1100lb horse.

Take, for example, William Fox Pitt. He's stupidly tall. I'm willing to bet he's more than 80kg with all his lean muscle and 10 miles of height. Nobody EVER goes on about him being too heavy for ANY of his horses and he's definitely "too tall" for a few of them.

I think people need to stop pretending it's for the horse's benefit and be honest with themselves - it's just that they don't like seeing fat people. And that's THEIR problem - not the rider's.


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## Caledonian

I know how it feels.
These are the type of people who will pick up on anything. If it’s not weight then it’ll be the horse, tack/clothes, whether or not you compete and at what level. They’ll latch on to anything that’s different or, in their eyes, not good enough. It’s their problem and not the rider.

I also put on weight when I changed to a desk job and I’ve ridden a small hairy Highland while being surrounded by TBs and warmbloods. They were all being trailered to shows every weekend and never-ending training sessions ridden by ultra-fit weekend riders. I was happy going out for a hack around the country.


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## Kaifyre

I weigh 203 pounds as of last week's doctor visit. I ride every day that I can, and I ride with a decent seat. I think I'm easier for horses to carry than my friend who is just learning to ride, who weighs probably 170 and rides like crap (Only because he's new, everybody has to start somewhere!). I don't slam my weight on their backs, I move with the horse not against them, I don't hang off the saddle when I mount or flop around like a dead fish at the trot and lope. I have always been fat, even when I was in high school I was overweight. I don't like it, and lately I've been losing weight slowly but surely, but I don't obsess over it. My days are spent working horses, scooping poop, tossing hay bales, running trains, and telling people who don't like the way I look to suck it. The best confidence builder I ever learned was how to flip someone off with a smile on my face, shrug off their negativity, and keep on trying to better myself .... because at the end of the day it's what YOU think of yourself that counts. It doesn't matter what I think, or he thinks, or that person over there thinks. It's all about YOU.

Love yourself, my friend, and screw anyone who tries to put you down. They're not worth your precious time.

-- Kai

The picture below is one of me in college at a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. My friends and I all dressed up, and my best friend Iris somehow convinced me to go as Floor Show Columbia despite my protests that so much thigh would mentally scar the other folks at the show. I won Best Costume. I was so afraid that everyone would lynch me for being too fat to squeeze myself into those fishnet stockings .... but no one said anything of the sort. Screw the haters. You'll feel so much better for it. : )


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## Palomine

Are you sure the root cause is not the fact that these are unknown people in a situation where you or your horse could get hurt? Group lessons maybe not so much, but I would not want to do a group lesson period, mainly because I too would feel judged for skills.

But the other may be you would be riding with people of questionable behaviors, such as someone galloping past horses, drinking, or acting the fool?


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## Luce73

I get the feeling even though I'm not 'plus-sized'. All the girls my age at my barn are twigs. When I just started leasing Moro the lesson program trainer said I should have consulted with her (even though she hadnt been my trainer for over a year) so she could have found me a 'Bigger horse'. THat still goes through my head sometimes when I see pictures of me on Moro, and I wonder if I'm too tall or too heavy for him even though I know rationally I'm not. 

Just enjoy your horse and your time together, focus on what your horse thinks of you, not what other people think or say. easier said than done, of course, but I try to tell myself, people who would comment on this stuff are not people I want to hang out with anyway, so why would I put any value on their opinions?

You look like a lovely pair, great picture too!


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## SRMequinetraining

I have always been a bigger girl and that meant I rode bigger horses, my coach constantly put me on draft x's and it was embarrassing. As a hunter rider with a Percheron I was constantly laughed at. People at my barn, at shows and even judges would make commments about the "fat girl on the draft horse".

It wasn't until I was about 13/14 that I finally got over it. Those nasty comments drove me to train harder, and perfect everything so that my draft and I could clean up and show people that just because we were different didn't mean we weren't any good.

It all eventually went away, it also took leaving the perfect hunter world and joining jumper/dressage with my new at the time horse to fully get over it.

It's really hard being a bigger girl/guy in the horsey world. But keep your chin up and strive for greater things and you'll accomplish it!


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## newtrailriders

Yes I struggle with my weight and it does bother me, but honestly there are a lot of people out there who are a lot bigger than you or I, and they're riding happily and confidently. To be a bit overweight and yet to have found an activity we thoroughly enjoy and cannot get enough of is a blessing. We just have to allow ourselves to ride and care for horses as much as possible and we will have fit, healthy bodies. We may never be twigs but that really does not matter. Take a look around you every day. If you MUST compare yourself to others, compare yourself to real life others and not people on TV. You are average size!

I stopped feeling so fat once I actually started paying attention to the sizes of the people around me.

Also - my whole entire life, I was a big time people pleaser and constantly worried about what other people thought of me. A lot of thngs have happened in my life over the past 2 years and I totally got over giving a rip what other people think. WOW - you just can not imagine how freeing that is!!!

Normally I would never post an unflattering photo of myself, but now I just don't really care anymore. It's me, with a beautiful horse, doing what I really want to do! I would turn down opportunities to do things I wanted to do in the past because I was worried about what others thought. I don't do that anymore. I stopped apologizing and humbling myself and constantly trying to make people like me and guess what! People LOVE me! If someone doesn't like me, I feel there's something wrong with them, not me. I'm a kind, decent human being and there are SO many others who can't say that.


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## mmshiro

newtrailriders said:


> I stopped feeling so fat once I actually started paying attention to the sizes of the people around me.


I would probably be cautious to measure myself to the average of the people who are in worse shape; in the world of the blind, the one-eyed may be above average, but he probably would still avoid activities that would promote ruining his remaining eyesight, to use a metaphor.

You are certainly right that the number on the scale is less-than-reliable to measure your fitness, so you could look at the following:

- If you flex it, does it tone and firm, or does it stay jiggly? Pound-for-pound, you may be heavier and more voluminous than someone who looks skinny and still have a more favorable muscle/fat ratio. 

- Can you withstand physical demands on your body, both in terms of strength and endurance? If so, you have a healthy body, no matter how it looks. Pound-for-pound, if you get up 4 flights of stairs easier than your equal-weight comparison, you're in better shape and vice versa.

The name of the game isn't to look a certain way, and certainly not to look or not look like somebody else, the name of the game is to attain a body that can better withstand daily stresses and the effects of aging - as well as keeping the horse between you and the ground.


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## PoptartShop

I think you two look really cute together. & if you are happy, that is all that matters.  It is easier said than done to not care about what people think, though. I have days where I'm like 'oh gosh, her position is better than mine!' etc. but most of the time I'm just happy being in the saddle.  Let people think what they want! Most of the time people are too busy to judge in the darn saddle.
I think everyone has those days though. If you & your horse enjoy each other, that's ALL that matters.


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## Celeste

The only reason that I care about my weight is that I want to improve my health and control my blood pressure and blood sugar. 

If people want to criticize me on my 15 hand arab mare, I offer to let them ride her. They pretty much always decline. She has quite the reputation around here for being crazy. I feel perfectly balanced and in tune on her. Weight loss might make mounting easier. 


@mmshiro If anybody is judging you in a negative way, I'd like to see them ride the way you ride.


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## AnitaAnne

Lots of helpful advise from everyone!! 

IMO everyone is a bit self-conscious of their weight, or used to be. Skinny people can be the worst about obsessing over the pounds. 

I suspect you may be a little bit shy and unsure of yourself in new situations. It can take quite a bit of self confidence to ride around strangers, and many people struggle with this same issue. 

Would suggest you go with a friend, doesn't even have to be a super good friend, just someone there so you can help each other out. When I go somewhere new I miss about half of the instructions and am on edge trying to look "normal". I usually paste a big grin on my face and try to keep it there. Then I have to ask anyone nearby where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing...then I realize I'm talking too much and then...:redface:

Yeah, I understand the panic attacks...it really does get better once you get out there and try to focus on giving your horse a good time. 

Maybe @mmshiro has the best idea; 0.5mg of Valium, or maybe a cold beer :cheers:


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## mmshiro

AnitaAnne said:


> Maybe @mmshiro has the best idea; 0.5mg of Valium, or maybe a cold beer :cheers:


Hey, if one of those little guys can get me serenely through a day of parent conferences, they can get you through a pleasure ride in the country.


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## Zexious

After packing on some pounds after my accident and numerous surgeries, I can say without a doubt that my weight bothers me. I'm extremely self conscious about it--to the point that I won't even look at a saddle until I get back to a weight I'm "happy" with. I miss riding all the time, and I know that it would do wonders for my outlook, but I'm just too critical of myself.

But, as Anita said, I think everyone is concerned with their weight to one degree or another. If it's something you're concerned with, try making some healthy changes


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## Mulefeather

I do worry about what others think, but if you are happy and your horse is happy, sound, and moving out freely, he’s already telling you he’s fine with it!

In terms of confidence, it takes practice, because being confident is a skill rather than a state of being. Skills can be improved. 

If you can, read the book ‘The Confidence Gap” by Russ Harris. It teaches us that negative thoughts and negative self-talk are always there, but we don’t have to listen to what the voices in our brains are saying. It’s helped me a LOT.

One thing I would do, too, is set yourself a goal. If you want to do, say, a judged trail ride or a paper chase, that’s a great place to start. Go ahead and pay your entry fee, and ask a friend or two that you trust to come with you. This gives you an incentive and a reassuring presence that will help push you along, too. 

The goal in this is not to win, or to show everyone up. It’s to commit, and follow through with going to the event. 

I also find a great exercise is to play “The Catastrophe Game” – what are you afraid will happen? If it’s fall off and embarrass yourself, or worry that other people will be judging you, ask yourself the following questions:

- Will I die if I’m judged?
- What does someone being judgy really do, besides make me uncomfortable?
- Do you think those people are also afraid of being judged unfairly? Most people are. 
- Do you think those people have also fallen off, been embarrassed, been scared, or felt a lack of confidence? A LOT of riders are and do, and the young upstarts who claim they don’t just haven’t had enough life experience yet.


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## ChasingDreams

I'm 125lbs and 5'6". I get self-conscious, not so much about being "fat" as I'm not technically overweight, but my body has bore two beautiful children and not everything goes back quite the way it was before. Things are stretched or jiggly in some areas and too thin in others. 

I just weaned my daughter after breastfeeding for two years, with the entire last year being completely on one side. For a whole year, I've been "udderly" (pun intended ) lopsided. Not just a little, like 3-4 cup sizes different. Just wearing a bra at all was uncomfortable and none of my shirts would hide the difference very well. Don't even get me started on bathing suits last summer...

Even before I had kids I struggled with my body image. Thought my nose and teeth were too big, or my chest was too flat, or knees were knobby, etc etc etc. It's something that I think all humans, regardless of body shape and size, struggle with periodically.

I think all you can do is try your hardest to be the best "you" you can be, make changes for your own health and happiness as YOU see fit, and tell anyone who has an opinion about it that you respectfully don't give a rear-end what they think 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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