# The painful road back, a personal journal



## Golden Horse

First a disclaimer.....

This is my personal record, made public to inspire and motivate me, and maybe help others along the way. While I will watch my language and remember that this is a public forum, I cant vouch that the content will be suitable for all, so read at your own risk.

I also acknowledge that this is a public forum and everyone has the right to share their views, but just to let you know right from the start, I will also uphold my right not to reply to negativity or advice that I don't like, hey it's my record I so choose who I respond to.

So if you are ready here goes the honest and open road to recovery journal of a middle aged woman in crisis.:wink:


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## tinyliny

I am all ears. or eyes, in this case.


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## Golden Horse

*Day 1*

For a few weeks this has been designated new start day, and it is just as well, because I woke up this morning hating this particular version of me..

This current me is 100 pounds heavier than I want to be, losing that 100 pounds will still leave me heavier than I maybe should be, but I care not about that, the new me will be 100 pounds lighter.

This current me is waiting for knee surgery, I have arthritis and a torn meniscus in my right knee that has been causing me more issues than I like to admit for the last few months, the new me, post surgery will be working hard to keep my newly refurbished knee in good shape, and part of that starts now with weight loss and specific exercises that will strengthen the knee before surgery.

This current me is unable to move far because my back seized up due to (I think) a combination of the weight, the strange gait with the bum knee, and the amount of personal stress in my life just now.

This particular me was also hot sweaty and smelly first thing, and it occurred to me that I may not of hit the shower in day or two.

That is when I decided right there and then this particular me is not a good place, so time for an intervention....


SO, 

Step 1 was easy, get up get a long hot shower and clean clothes and feel like a human being again.

Step 2, started a 21 day fast, now before you all start panicking, this is not a fast as in starving yourself, this is a fast as in no sugar, meats, fish, dairy, alcohol. But a big yes to vegetables, fruits, pulses, nuts and grains, in as much quantity as you need and want. So far so good on this front, fruit salad with hemp hearts for breakfast, peppers sliced and spread with hummus, and a handful of grapes at lunch, handful of nuts mid afternoon, and looking at some sort of veggies in tomato sauce for supper.


I know it is going to be a long journey, and this first 21 days is about learning to eat to live again, rather than living to eat, and about getting moving as much as possible, so wish me luck here we go.

Step 3, have spent the day so far doing as much as possible, then laying flat until it all stops hurting then getting up and doing more.


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## BaileyJo

Me too!!! I wait with bated breath! 

You're cool GH.


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## Golden Horse

Day 1..

It went well, until the evening, and then I was ill, sick as a dog, which is no fun when your back and you knees are killing you, trying to bend over a toilet it not easy....YUK, I'm not good when I'm ill.

Day 2..

Started the day with a rotten headache, every muscle aches, and stomach is sore, oh and a have a streaming nose, I guess that I have a bug rather than an allergy to the quinoa burger I had for supper on day 1!

Oh well, stick to the diet and onwards, was good with food again today, not hungry, but that could be the bug talking. Was mobile enough to go out and hug my horses, which makes everything feel better.

Then I had someone come out and try out Bert, they worked well together, and I hope that she decides to take her, it could be a good match. 

Day 3 am,

Feeling a little better, I think I may live after all


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## cakemom

Ok I'm here watching

Glad you are feeling better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cakemom

My dear woman, how are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Golden Horse

Day 4, and still on target.

I nearly tripped up at lunchtime today, was cutting cheese for sandwiches for DH and DS and of course the block wasnt cut level when I was done, so I did one more cut to straighten up the block, and guess where the 'spare' bit was going....yup, I was going to eat it. I pulled up short just before it got to my mouth, and it went into a sandwich a bit quick.

That for me is what this 3 weeks is about, I am not going near the scales until day 22, because it is not about losing, but about awareness at this stage.

On what I am eating, well fruit and nuts for breakfast, home made vegetable soup for lunch, fruit and nuts for a snack, then veggies and some sort of veggie burger or such for supper.

If I get hungry I just drink some water or grab a snack of fruit or a few nuts, and I haven't felt hungry or deprived yet. 

The cold has receded, no more stuffy nose, no more illness, the back is slowly improving, and today for the first time in a long time I am actually cleaning my kitchen properly :thumbsup: I have to do some, then come and sit or lay down some to rest the back and knee, but at least I'm active in between, and I will be finished, probably this evening.

Tomorrow it's back into the city for more treatment on the back, restock the organic veggie stuff, and try and navigate, probably, the nightmare of eating out.......no sugar, no animal products, hope that doesn't equal naked salad.


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## cakemom

Awesome!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Golden Horse

Day 11 is just ending, and things are still going well, I have stayed true the diet, I have survived the birth of a new foal, the departure of a long standing inhabitant, Bert left for her new home at the weekend, and a visit to Tim Hortons, and didn't even nibble on a donut, believe me that is a good thing.

Something strange happened over the last couple of days, I seem to be emerging from the shall I have built up around me, and I think I'm ready to start living again.

Next step find a way to up my activity levels without hurting the back or the knee


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## PaintedFury

Keep going. You can do it.


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## dee

Subbing. GH I am really rootin for you! I would so love to lose 150 pounds - and I would still be considered overweight if I did lose it. But...I shall try!


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## Golden Horse

Dee, don't worry about how much there is to lose, and the fact that you will still be overweight, (according to who BTW?) When I lost all the wieght before I was still technically fat, and I'm sure that dwelling on that fact had something to do with the fact that I gained so much back.

This time I am going slowly and taking time to listen to my body and see how it reacts to things. 

When I lost all the weight I did it on Medifast, and it works, it works really really well, but it didn't teach me anything, but it did give me a passion for drinking milk shakes, which meant when I came off if the diet I was subbbing real life food for that, which meant full fat full sugar milk shakes...YUK.

What am doing now is clearing the sugar and sweeteners out of my diet, trying to eat organic where possible, but it is clean eating, and this is what I have found so far..

The diet allows me to eat seeds and grains, but I have been avoiding the grains, last night though I had sprouted brown rice with supper, and I had the munchies all evening, so was snacking on nuts, fruit etc. I will try this again at a different time of day, but it seems that carbs in that form kick something out of wack in my system.

Something else interesting, although TMI for some, so skip this bit.....I have been having problems with an itchy bum, , but it has cleared up with this diet. The other day I cheated and cooked my veggie burger in the same pan that I had cooked DH's steak in, and the next day the itch was back. Something else to experiment with maybe, lets see when I add meat back in which meats I have any reaction to, and which I maybe don't. (Or more likely which meat is full of antibiotics, and growth promoters and which isn't)

Oh and Dee, do not look at that 150 pound mountain in front of you, that is enough to scare anyone, join me when I get there, and we'll go back to losing by the tens, 10 pounds is nothing, we can do that, you lose 10 pounds then you turn around and celebrate that achievement, then set about getting the next 10, so much easier to lose 10 than 100 or more:wink:


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## dee

I agree, it's easier to lose 10 than 150, and I am 6 pounds down the road to my first 10. It hasn't been easy, because daughter has been doing the cooking at home since she and her hubby and five kids moved back in with us. Daughter cooks what is easy and quick - and I don't necessarily blame her - rather than what is best for hubby and I. Sadly, there is no room in the kitchen for me (and not enough cookware) to try to cook a second meal that is just for hubby and I. I am gradually working daughter around to "real" cooking, with "real" and un-prepackaged foods, but it's been a struggle.

I have a feeling that hubby and I are going to be eating a LOT of salads, and that's okay by me.

And...just so you will know - it's my insurance company that says I will still be over weight after losing 150 pounds. I'm supposed to lose 96 pounds by November or face paying higher premiums due to the new "obesity penalty" that will go into effect where I work. It's good motivation, I guess. 

Doctor thinks that losing 150 over the next 2-3 years is good enough, since I don't have any serious health issues. He also says with me being 5'2" and a goal weight (set by him) is a healthy weight for me, even with the extra poundage. The only way he sees me getting down to the 110 that the insurance company wants me at would be for them to pay to have all the excess skin removed after I lose the 150 pounds, LOL.


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## afatgirlafathorse

Salads don't have to be boring, dee. I eat one for lunch at work just about every single day. Sometimes I dress it up differently, sometimes I just crave those good veggies!

I sometimes will chop up a couple of pieces of turkey bacon, sometimes I will put salsa and fat free sour cream on for dressing instead of traditional dressing. I am also known to add a few black beans, a bit of part skim shredded cheese, nuts, occasionally strawberries (sometimes I will use regular strawberry yogurt as a dressing instead). I add TONS of veggies, not just your standard lettuce, tomato and cucumber - but green pepper, onions, chunks of apple, cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms - it's mostly "stuff" and less lettuce. 

We keep a big bowl in the fridge all the time and eat it instead of potatoes or rice as sides to our protein most of the time.


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## dee

Oh no! I didn't mean salads were boring at all. It's just that a salad is pretty much the only dinner I can put together for hubby and I when daughter is cooking in the kitchen. I can give the veggies a quick wash in the sink, then get out of her way and put the salad together while I'm sitting at the dining table. We both LOVE salads!

I can throw in a bit of canned tuna, or shrimp or crab for a bit of protein. Sometimes we feel like the salad just didn't fill us up, so hubby has started madeing a really lovely whole grain bread in the bread machine. It's really course and chewey, and one piece (I don't even need butter) is all it takes to make a salad supper very satisfying.

Sometimes I can put together a meal (if we want something hot) in the crockpot - no fat needed. The only thing we might need to cook would be some brown rice to go with. I made a really nice chicken tagine (I did cheat and used boneless skinnless thighs, though - I prefer dark meat.) With the brown rice, it was very filling, and pretty low fat, too!


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## Golden Horse

Day 18 is coming to a close, and I am still on target to complete the 21 days. I haven't eaten any animal products or any artificial sweeteners or added sugars for 18 days.

Breakfast now consists of a large bowl of fruit salad, with 2 tablespoons of my homemade breakfast 'cereal' toasted spelt, hemp hearts, chia seed, acia berries, cranberries and blueberries (all dried and have no added sugar)

Lunch, more fruit and nuts, afternoon snack, nuts, supper, lots and lots of veggies and a veggie burger or sausage or similar. 


I now have huge reason to start getting fitter, and a companion to work out with..

Meet Emmy










Who is a daughter of my very own Ace, and will be coming home here soon, lots of ground work needed with her, so we will be doing a lot of exercise together, she has a bunch of weight to lose as well.:lol:


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## Back2Horseback

GH,

I am sincerely impressed (ALMOST beyond words, which is a lot for ME, ha) with your level of "sticktuitiveness". You have undertaken an awesome journey of self-discovery. I am pulling for you with all I have, and believe that you will accomplish all of your goals, and then some. 

We ALL have our challenges and hurdles in life, but few are honest enough with themselves to fully LOOK AT what factors must be different in their lives in order for them to live, really LIVE (as you are doing now), to the level which will bring them satisfaction. Even fewer are honest enough to share such with OTHERS, using the eloquence and frankness you have been doing here. 

As another poster already said, "You are ONE COOL CHICK, GH." I feel honored to be on a forum with you, and cannot WAIT to see all you will achieve along your journey!

You go, woman!!!! :0) ~ Tammy ~


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## Golden Horse

Well thanks for those kind words Back2, makes me blush here.

Day 19 and look at the world, I have a clean house, with washed floors, and would be happy to see those unexpected drop in visitors, not that they ever drop in when the place looks OK:?

Another good eating day, just two more to go, but you know I could do this for a while.

I've been having acupuncture for the last few weeks on my back and my knee and both are doing good, so all I need now is the rotten weather to dry up and I can get back in the saddle, the forecast for next week looks good, so hopefully the ground will eventually dry out enough to get in the round pen at least.


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## Golden Horse

WOW, day 21 of the 21 day fast, 1 little day to get through, and it has been great, I have found out some interesting things on the way

On the subject of sugar/sweeteners it is scary how much of our food has added sugar, why do plain crackers need sugar added? Also I have watched Jim and John eat cookies, donuts, ice cream etc without worrying to much, but boy have I missed ketchup, it's the one thing that I have struggled with in the sugar front.

It is far easier than I thought to live without meat, I could gladly go on with this diet, not at all difficult, but eating out is a real nightmare, I was surprised how few vegetarian options there are, and if you are a vegan, well enjoy your green salad!

The biggest shock for me was the fact that I could happily buy steak, chicken, make burgers from scratch for the men, without any real worries or stress, but I wouldn't buy fish. To understand that you need to know that up until a couple o years ago I hated fish, but on my last diet I started to add it, and now I couldn't buy salmon or steelhead trout, because I WOULD of cheated.

Tomorrow is weigh in day, lets see what the scale says, I know that I will probably have a couple of meat free days a week, and one fish day, a big change here.


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## Allison Finch

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. But the actual numbers, as in pounds, is not nearly as important as the fact that you are striving for a more positive future not only with your horses, but within yourself. Such a great thing!

We are all here to cheer every success and hug you in the moments when things seem to stall. 

You are a very strong woman and the fact that you can help others through your openness here is testimony to that.

FORGE ON!!


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## cakemom

Rooting for you!! And Wowza what an encouragement that pretty girl is!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dee

Worry less about the pounds and instead, focus on the improvement in your overall health. 

I had a doctor visit last week. Haven't lost any real weight (well, about six pounds in the last couple of months) but my blood pressure is down and all my other numbers are in good shape. Doctor would have liked to see more weight lost, but... Did give me some encouraging advise, which I passed on to you. 

Again: Don't try to eat just to lose weight. Eat to improve your overall health, and you will lose weight. The weight loss will be slower than if you were actually "dieting," but it will be a more permanent weight loss because you aren't "dieting," you are making a permanent change in your diet.


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## greenbryerfarms

Wow.your amazing! While I don't need to loose weight you inspire me to get back to doing things after I had my baby I just can't get up and really clean things its taken me a year to get back on my horses and I rode all of them every day, now I fall off if he stops too quick... Your doing great! I support you !!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DixieDarlin

Wow...just...wow. Congratulations GH!


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## Golden Horse

Day 1 PF(post fast)

Weighed in 13 pounds lighter this morning, not bad in 3 weeks, 3 weeks without counting a single carb or calorie, never weighing a portion and never being hungry 

What did I have for breakfast to celebrate, well after lots of thinking, I had the same as I have had for the last 3 weeks, because I like it.

Step one, I think is to keep everything the same, but add meat to my supper, and see how that goes.


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## MacabreMikolaj

You are my HERO right now and I must say, I am heavily inspired to try the same thing. My weight loss has been going so so, I have lost 20 pounds since October but I can't kick the sugar. I am still eating most of what I have always been eating, just in smaller amounts. But it still leaves me struggling to achieve the 1,500 calories a day I'm "supposed" to be eating. I love fruits and nuts but the calories add up on top of what I already eat and I find it doesn't fill me up. But to live on only fruits, veggies and nuts makes sense.

I think I would probably do the same but keep lean meat protein in my diet.


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## Endiku

You go, GH! I just found this thread and it's so fantastic to see how well you're doing! Its amazing to see the difference that a little change in your diet (or a lot!) can do for your mental health, physical health, energy, and ability to think with that 'forwardness' that makes things interesting.

I've never been fat- quite the opposite actually, at only 85 pounds and 4'11, but even I have noticed how much all of those sugars and extra carbs can really weigh you down, even if you don't actually see the physical product of it. For many years I ate like a typical teenager- lots of cokes and plenty of pizza and icecream, but when I got extremely sick about two years ago and got to a point where I pretty much couldnt eat anything, I knew it was time to change things! It did turn out that I had an actual cause for my illness- my gallbladder had somehow been punctured and was leaking bile throughout my body- but once I had the surgery I started a new diet that I'm still on and loving. Its a lot like yours- lots of seeds, lentils, fruits and veggies. The only difference is that I'm allergic to nuts and milk, so I do eat chicken and salmon as a substitute. I feel hundreds of times better now, with plenty of energy and a clear mind.

You inspire me to keep going, and I think you're really going to like the outcome of this new way of living. I sure do!


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## Golden Horse

I'm hoping that it is doable, certainly the fruit and veg diet is a good way to go, I will just have to balance adding in meat protein with the amount of nuts I have been snacking on, I don't think both will work..

Next big issue is getting this lard **** moving again......I don't think I can use my joints as an excuse for doing nothing, but it is so hard to get moving, I'm probably going to have to set a time each day when I just go do it


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## Back2Horseback

Golden Horse said:


> Day 1 PF(post fast)
> 
> Weighed in 13 pounds lighter this morning, not bad in 3 weeks, 3 weeks without counting a single carb or calorie, never weighing a portion and never being hungry
> 
> What did I have for breakfast to celebrate, well after lots of thinking, I had the same as I have had for the last 3 weeks, because I like it.
> 
> Step one, I think is to keep everything the same, but add meat to my supper, and see how that goes.


:happydance:

GH...I absolutely had no doubt this would be a successful first step. I know you must be feeling wonderful right now. I feel so inspired by and for you. You ARE going to make it, GH. YOU WILL BE WHEREVER YOU WISH TO BE AT THE END IF THIS JOURNEY! I can't wait to hear what your next STEP IS, and what sort of short term goal you will be taking on next! 

I hear you talk about increasing your movement...do you have any opinions on walking, like every morning or evening, starting out very mild, and slowly increasing your times/distances? I know you are lucky enough to be able to RIDE, which is wonderful...I think walking is also a really great way to both clear one's mind as well as building physical stamina quite rapidly, without being too hard on joints, etc...After a severe illness ten years ago, I lost 70 lbs JUST by WALKING DAILY. 

I took a med which put 90 lbs on my 5'1" frame over SIX MONTHS! Without walking (& getting off the damned evil med!) I'd still be carrying most of that weight.Yes, another story for another time, but just wanted to say walking is amazing!

The interesting thing is, once you reach the "end" of THIS journey, you will be at the BEGINNING of a whole new
journey...that being, "who am I after having accomplished so much and what kind of choices do I want to make for "this" me? I hope this is all making some basic sense as I am still half-asleep...(I sleep days/work nights, and woke up to take care of a few "daylight" tasks; my favorite for today was to check in with your outcome!!)

Not going to ramble too much here, for once (yay!!) but please know how completely enthused I am for you upon reaching your 21 day point, staying true to your goals, and being THIS MUCH CLOSER TO where you want to be than you were twenty-two LONG days ago!! Huge accomplishment. HUGE!! Major cyber hugs of excitement!! You're my hero, GH... :0)


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## Cacowgirl

Great acheivement! Your food choices sound ideal for optimum health. I'm glad you like the breakfast & continue w/it. It also sounds like you are taking the time to listen to how your body is responding to what you eat,so you can continue to feel your best. Your new horse is gorgeous-what an incentive!


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## Golden Horse

The next challenge is a small one....one week, and the goal is to maintain this weight, nothing more or less, just to maintain.


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## Golden Horse

I rode my horse today

I RODE MY HORSE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME

Now for those of you are saying "What the Fruitbat, I ride my horse all the time" Good for you, move along to a more interesting subject.

For those of you who have felt too fat, scared or have hurt too much to ride, or if you live in an area where mother nature has been bountiful with all of the wrong sorts of weather, and that has kept you grounded, (and all of those apply to me over the last little while) you will know what there is behind that simple statement

I RODE MY HORSE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME.

Oh, did I mention that it is blowing half a gale out there, so I was going to choose NOT to ride, but having worked him from the ground and nothing bad happened, I convinced myself that wind wasn't an excuse.

And, I wasn't riding in his saddle, I wanted to try out the saddle I have for Ben, that I've never ridden in yet, and I LOVE IT. Wintec 2000 sooo comfortable..

Yup, half a gale and the wrong saddle, and it still happened.


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## Lexiie

I am so happy for you!!
I wasn't too overweight to ride my horse, she could take it, but I knew it was kinda hard for her, as she wasn't very strong years ago.
(please don't take that as offencive! wasn't sure how to word it)
I was on weightwatchers for a few months and I lost almost 40 pounds, and when I rode my horse I could tell it was easier for her to take my weight
sadly I gained it all back because I was 15, and i didn't do the cooking at home
I wanted to tell you that you're my inspiration to try again


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## greenbryerfarms

Golden Horse said:


> I rode my horse today
> 
> I RODE MY HORSE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME
> 
> Now for those of you are saying "What the Fruitbat, I ride my horse all the time" Good for you, move along to a more interesting subject.
> 
> For those of you who have felt too fat, scared or have hurt too much to ride, or if you live in an area where mother nature has been bountiful with all of the wrong sorts of weather, and that has kept you grounded, (and all of those apply to me over the last little while) you will know what there is behind that simple statement
> 
> I RODE MY HORSE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME.
> 
> Oh, did I mention that it is blowing half a gale out there, so I was going to choose NOT to ride, but having worked him from the ground and nothing bad happened, I convinced myself that wind wasn't an excuse.
> 
> And, I wasn't riding in his saddle, I wanted to try out the saddle I have for Ben, that I've never ridden in yet, and I LOVE IT. Wintec 2000 sooo comfortable..
> 
> Yup, half a gale and the wrong saddle, and it still happened.


Ididnt ride mine today but I do know thefeeling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lexiie

Golden Horse said:


> I rode my horse today
> 
> I RODE MY HORSE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME
> 
> Now for those of you are saying "What the Fruitbat, I ride my horse all the time" Good for you, move along to a more interesting subject.
> 
> For those of you who have felt too fat, scared or have hurt too much to ride, or if you live in an area where mother nature has been bountiful with all of the wrong sorts of weather, and that has kept you grounded, (and all of those apply to me over the last little while) you will know what there is behind that simple statement
> 
> I RODE MY HORSE TODAY AND IT WAS AWESOME.
> 
> Oh, did I mention that it is blowing half a gale out there, so I was going to choose NOT to ride, but having worked him from the ground and nothing bad happened, I convinced myself that wind wasn't an excuse.
> 
> And, I wasn't riding in his saddle, I wanted to try out the saddle I have for Ben, that I've never ridden in yet, and I LOVE IT. Wintec 2000 sooo comfortable..
> 
> Yup, half a gale and the wrong saddle, and it still happened.


 I have a wintec 2000
I so agree, it's super super comfy
!


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## Golden Horse

Lexiie said:


> I am so happy for you!!
> I wasn't too overweight to ride my horse, she could take it, but I knew it was kinda hard for her, as she wasn't very strong years ago.
> (please don't take that as offencive! wasn't sure how to word it)
> 
> I wanted to tell you that you're my inspiration to try again


No offence taken at all, it's obviously easier to carry a person if the weigh less, but there are all sorts of things that come into play in getting both parties fit to ride.

Today I just walked, worked on turning, halt stand still and walk, he coped very well, stood stock still when asked, no signs of pain. Tomorrow I'll work my other horse, may not ride him, but G Man can rest up, and I will plan to ride him Friday, just as a human athlete he needs to work out a day and rest a day, from here I will build up our riding time, and we will both fitten up together.

I hope that I can inspire others to try, because until we actually give something a darn good try, we have no idea what we can achieve.


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## DixieDarlin

Way to go GH! I wish I could say that I had ridden my horse, but she's just not ready (and neither am I) but I am trying to do something with her everyday. I'm very impressed and inspired...Thank You...


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## Back2Horseback

Hey GH...just wanted to let'cha know we're all still here, checking in and following up with your progress...

I hope that the past few days have been lovely for you and that you had a great Mother's Day! We moms have it really tough at times, in that in addition to seemingly always putting our kids and husbands needs before our own, we rarely make time to address our issues, even as they become overwhelming, such as you have described things recently for you; something I can CERTAINLY relate to, just in slightly different ways...

Don't mean to blabber (as usual!!), but I thought of you this evening and of your awesome plan to rebuild "you" as you deserve your life to be, & given that it is Mother's Day and all....I guess I just wanted to be sure you kept in mind how important this which you are doing is, and not ONLY to you now, but ALSO to all of us out here rooting for you and letting you inspire us!!

Best to you, and keep up the great work!!!! :0)


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## Golden Horse

It has been another stressful week, so much going on, and so much going wrong, can't catch a break for trying. I added meat back in this last week after 3 weeks of vegan eating, but it was only chicken and turkey, still avoiding any sugar or sweeteners. I was good all week, so was very down on Friday when I weighed in to find I was 2 pounds heavier:twisted: I was so angry and upset that when I was in the city I headed to DQ for lunch, with every intention of ordering burger, fries and ice cream...but when I got to the counter I ordered a salad, and my rebellion consisted of buying crispy chicken rather than plain.

BUT, I have had a day off today, had bread, cookies, some chocolate, and will probably have icecream tomorrow, before getting back on the wagon, so I'm not weighing in, because I know that I'm going to be up, so no point in depressing myself, just have to make sure I jump back on the wagon.

Today was an AWESOME day, I actually rode Big Ben, I have been trying to overcome the worry that he would panic over my weight, and I would pull the saddle over and the whole thing would go wrong, but I had decided that today was the day. I nearly talked myself out of it because it was it was so darn windy, but I had made the deal with myself, and he lunged really well, so I got DH out to help me and



















I rode him, and it was great, that is another piece in the puzzle put back. 

The coming week, well once again it will be a high stress week, so to cope, I will control what I can control, my food intake, and will try and relieve some of the stress by more physical activity.


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## Lexiie

Your horse is so beautiful! You guys look great together! 
When I was loosing weight, there was always a pattern, I would loose, say 5 lbs, and then the next week gain 2. It was so frustrating.
I'm sure your pony was very glad to have you back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skyseternalangel

He looks so comfortable with you  

I'm really happy for you!!!


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## Golden Horse

I forgot the nearly as big news.....my son cooked all the meals yesterday, he suddenly announced he was going to invite some neighbors whose kids are away at Uni this year. I didn't have to panic and worry about people coming, just had to do a quick flick around and I was good to go, and we had a fantastic evening
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahver

Chiming in to wish you all the best on your journey Golden!! From your posts I can tell that you are a strong, driven woman and I have no doubt that you can, and will, achieve the goals that you set for yourself.

Also wanted to mention that your horse is gorgeous and that your posture is lovely.


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## Golden Horse

Thought for today

Not every light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming towards you

just sometimes it is beautiful bright sunshine, when you feel it's warmth hold your head up and enjoy the healing power


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## Back2Horseback

Hi GH! How are things going for you?? Just wanted to check in and make sure you are still doin'okay, feeling positive much of the time?

I know for me it can be quite hard to maintain the day to day "positivity" in this difficult world (@ least in terms of my view from where I am located on this big, spinning ball!) & often I NEED someone to motivate that in me...regardless of where you are in your progress toward your overall goals, I guess I just wanted to send out a reminder that I, and I'm sure MANY OF US here on a HF, have your back and are thinking about you regularly!



(cyber hugs!) ~ Tammy ~


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## greenbryerfarms

I do think of her all the time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Golden Horse

Thanks for kicking this back up, I have been struggling the last couple of weeks, there is just to much going on here at the moment.

I don't want to go into to many details but for the last few years we have been struggling financially, and it has kind of come to a head. We have had to make some decisions and take some actions that have been hard, and for the last few weeks we have been in a flurry of activity trying to make all this happen, and it has been one step forward and two back, but now finally, I think we are there.

BUT

We are also in full seeding mode on the farm here, and battling the weather to do it, yesterday we worked 20 hours, today we watched the rain fall. There are 2 more weeks for us to complete this, it needs to get dry for a few days.


I'm in survival mode, eating is an issue right now, I need to put yet another challenge in place for myself to get myself going, but I feel if I do it right now I will be setting myself up to fail:-( So June it will be, I will come out fighting again.


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## Breella

<3 You're an inspiration.


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## Golden Horse

*It doesn't always have to be like this*

I was watching Piers Morgan interviewing Marion Jones last night, a very emotional interview on how it felt to go from international superstar and Olympic athlete, to disgraced drug taker in jail for perjury, because she lied to the Grand Jury about it.

One past struck me hard, when she was asked how she coped with it and she said,

"I looked at myself and said I can change, it doesn't always have to be like this" 

And she is so right, whatever space we occupy now, we can change, we don't have to be where we are for ever, but it takes work.

So I pledge, 



I CAN change, it DOESN'T have to be like this forever. 
The only failure is to stop trying, so I will try.
Big change does not happen overnight, I didn't get here overnight, so it maybe a long journey....but I am going to take the journey.

This week my task is to repeat those pledges every day they are my new mantra, and I will make them real.


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## Golden Horse

My new mantra is helping I now know a few more things.

My weight is a bigger issue to me than to some others, and that's because I am obsessed by that number, so NO MORE

I choose to define myself by more than a number, and by fate someone posted this on facebook today










This is so true, so screw you scales, you no longer rule my life.

That having been said I do not like feeling sluggish and unfit, so that is the part I need to change, so now working at devising a plan that will survive first contact with the enemy:wink:


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## Golden Horse

I have been quiet for a while, dealing with a whole load of crap again, but at long last we are creeping ever closer toward the end of the tunnel and I do believe that brighter days are ahead.

Mind you as ever as soon as we get one part of life on an even keel something else happens, and I have to admit to being....mmm was going to say guilty, don't want to use that word, so just say I have been emotional eating for the last week, my beautiful little Bailey dog has been missing 8 days now, she took off after a deer and we haven't seen her since, and it's so so hard. I know that all I have achieved is to make myself feel more crap, because now I'm sad and fatter:twisted:

I also do not like being a woman of a certain age, I have woken up today with a huge great hollow pit in my stomach, breakfast didn't even put a small damper on the HUNGER, not oh I could eat some chocolate, or I fancy some chips, but H U N G R Y, which usually would mean that it is the time of the month, but as the wheels are slowly falling off of my menstrual cycle it could mean that, might not, could last for a week, could be gone later.

I do have new motivation for fitness, my new mares, beautiful, beautiful girls, between them all I want in a horse, so I need to get fitter so I can enjoy them.


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## Skyseternalangel

Yes your beautiful new girls! And your handsome big one! I'm sad for you that your pup has been missing.. I hope your pup is found soon  I know how hard that can be to face.

You can do this!


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## HFH

*Very motivating post*

Thank you so much for sharing


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## Golden Horse

Some days just suck, this was one, delivered my beautiful Fancy and her filly Flight to their new owner today, that sucked, I know it is the right choice, but it still sucked big time.

It also sucks that my little beagle went missing 2 weeks ago, and we haven't seen or heard anything of her, right now I would even rather find a body than just not know..it eats away at you every day.

But, this was good, stopped for a burger on the way home, as we walked in two members of staff walked past, each carrying a large plate of water melon chunks, I was very excited for a minute, I would of so of ordered a plate of watermelon at that point, but alas that was just staff lunch they had brought in with them.

Although I ordered a burger, and really enjoyed it, I now often find myself liking the sound of the healthier options, next step, choose to order the healthy option, not because I have to, but because it sounds good


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## Skyseternalangel

Lots and lots of hugs <3


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## Golden Horse

This week was tough, I had a phone call from a wonderful young man, who sadly informed me that he had found little Baileys body, a difficult call for him to make, and although it broke my heart, at is better to know for sure and now I can grieve and then heal.

We had a huge disappointment on the business front, which sucks, but we will come through.

BUT two huge positive things, I have eventually got a date for my knee surgery, 13th August, and today I rode Willow, which was just fantastic.

Now to be honest I look at the videos that were taken, and I am horrified and mortified at how big I look on her, it is not a pretty sight, but that doesn't make me sad, it does make me inspired, every pound I can lose will make us a better partnership, and the fitter I am the better we will do, so gotta get on with it


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## vthorse

I am sorry for the loss of your pup. I hope you are feeling more peaceful and accepting with each day.


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## ioconner

I am sorry for you loss Golden. You are so inspiring and motivating. As I sit here, I am thinking of the weight I need to lose to feel better and be healthier and all the obstacles we must overcome to reach those goals. I recently had (yet another) horse accident. Dog came out after horse (horse previously had pit jump on her) and I met up with a propane tank....punctured lung, 3 fractured ribs, and fractured pelvis. Totally not horses fault, she was being chased by crazy dog. She never bucked or anything, I lost my balance and was hanging to side of saddle. I did this on July 10 so about 2 weeks ago and I am doing better, but wish I could be doing more. We are also struggling somewhat with finances. I cant work for at least another 2 1/2 weeks.

My point in rambling on is that you are not alone. I am not alone. We can and will do this!!! Head up, Chin up, feet to the street....we will get this done!!

I wish you the best of luck and better days ahead! Let us know how you're doing, K?


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## tinyliny

ioconner said:


> I am sorry for you loss Golden. You are so inspiring and motivating. As I sit here, I am thinking of the weight I need to lose to feel better and be healthier and all the obstacles we must overcome to reach those goals. I recently had (yet another) horse accident. Dog came out after horse (horse previously had pit jump on her) and I met up with a propane tank....punctured lung, 3 fractured ribs, and fractured pelvis. Totally not horses fault, she was being chased by crazy dog. She never bucked or anything, I lost my balance and was hanging to side of saddle. I did this on July 10 so about 2 weeks ago and I am doing better, but wish I could be doing more. We are also struggling somewhat with finances. I cant work for at least another 2 1/2 weeks.
> 
> My point in rambling on is that you are not alone. I am not alone. We can and will do this!!! Head up, Chin up, feet to the street....we will get this done!!
> 
> I wish you the best of luck and better days ahead! Let us know how you're doing, K?



_Man o man! That is just awful. If I had that kind of injury I'd be blaring it all over the forum trying to dig up enough sympathy to make it worth all the pain. I mean, you got your "Red Badge of Courage", so you ought to get your money's worth_

_The part about cracking your pelvis. that just makes me cringe. I kind of "loosened" mine in a fall, and almost two years later, it is STILL sore at times. I hope you heal better than new!_


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## Golden Horse

tinyliny said:


> _Man o man! That is just awful. If I had that kind of injury I'd be blaring it all over the forum trying to dig up enough sympathy to make it worth all the pain. I mean, you got your "Red Badge of Courage", so you ought to get your money's worth_


**** straight, we are all here to share, hope you are feeling more comfortable every day ioconner.

This week has been a fight, but hey it's Sunday and the start of a new week, and new challenges. It should be a busy week, Farrier in Tuesday, then if Ben is 100% he will be going off to the trainer. 

Friday is show day in the next town, and I am tempted to take one of the girls to show in hand, next weekend is the Dressage to Music weekend, and I have to decide who to ride for that.


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## ioconner

Thanks tinyliny and golden!! I am feeling much better. Made it a few days this week with ZERO pain meds so thats a plus. I am just ready to get back to work and riding. Two more weeks and I will have another XR for pelvis and I'm pretty sure I'll be released back to work then. I'm an RN at a busy surgery center and on my feet all day so I don't want to rush it. Of course I am chasing 3 toddlers everyday too...LOL!!!
On another note....the reason I am so excited to get back to work is that I will start working with a mustang mare that had previously been adopted out by BLM and did not work out so my trainer is looking for a home for her. I am interested in getting into the TIP program and thought this would be a great start to it. Of course my trainer is very experienced with the stangs and will be there for advice and help every step of the way. I cant wait!!

I also have lost 6 lbs using my fitnesspal in the last 2 wks so I am thrilled over that!
Golden How is Ben, did you get him to the trainer?


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## chasingfireflies

Golden, I'm new to the forum and making my first official post here! So proud of the journey you have started on. I've recently started a journey of my own broken in two 25 lb. chunks. Get the first 25 off and I reward myself with starting to ride again!! I will continue following your story and cheering you on from Colorado!! You can do this and just think of how amazing the end goal will be!!! PS...LOVE Ben!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Golden Horse

IConnor, yeah for no pain meds good for you

Fireflies, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting on my thread, glad you chose it for your first post.

So as ever a week of ups and downs, got everybody trimmed when the farrier came out, and most of them did well, I love my new farrier, he is quiet and so calm, and so strong, young Stewie was a pain, and started to fight, had to give up when he realized that JC wasn't going to let go.

Ben didn't make it to the trainer yet, he is 100% sound now, but now waiting for a space again Grrrrr

Emmy didn't make it to the show either, I have another thread about that LOL, and my plans to ride Sat and Sunday at a dressage clinic and show have been severely cut back. I now struggle to ride for long with this stupid knee of mine, but I'm only two weeks out from the Op now. I am going to go on Sunday and ride G Man in out last ever show together, as he is leaving next Tuesday *sniff sniff*

Positives, well G Man is going to a good home, soon my knee will be cleaned up and hopefully I'll be on the toad to recovery, and the best news of all

I'm actually losing weight. At last I have some control over it, finally at long last not looking for the quick fix, but just starting to make better choices, and it really feels good.

Goals for the weekend, simply to enjoy the ride, I'll update on Sunday.


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## Thoroughbred Hunter Lady

"....i haven't visited the Horse Forum site for awhile and was pleasantly surprised to find the Plus-Size (herein known as "PS Riders") forum. Moreover, the discovery of this thread, The Painful Road back, A Personal Journal, made me begin to think about some of the obstacles that PS riders face on the Internet.

I found that many PS riders tend to shy away from talking, on Internet forums, about issues that relate to either the ongoing weight loss struggle or acceptance of one's self. And let's face it, that is a direct result of the prejudice from the show world, trainers, instructors, barn owners and even the equestrian advertisers that previously depicted only slim riders in perfect Tailored Sportsmen, etc. breeches. (*on that note, kudos to SmartPak for adding a wonderful PS department of name brand and store brand riding wear!).

In my humble opinion, I think that it's a result of the horse world's general consensus that PS people don't belong on a horse. Alternatively, over the past few years, PS riders and forums about related topics have sprung up all over the net and........that's progress!

Anyway, the OP in this thread is a tremendous role model and being able to follow the challenges she undertook, as she set forth on her 21 day journey was good, inspirational reading!

Sincerely, 

_The Thoroughbred Hunter Lady a/k/a Cathy Ann_

_The Adventures of Cathy & Valie_
_The Adventures of Cathy and Valie_


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## wild old thing

This is a terrific thread and I'm so glad I found it.

GH, I admire your diligence and subsequent successes and I hope you continue down this road to health. I too am overweight so I understand the issues that come with it, particularly how the body has gained such a foothold over the mind. 

I think bodies can be like wicked children sometimes....they want what they want when they want it, the sugar fix, the quickie meal, the fried something or other, the "mouthfeel" thing, etc. 

I am so in support of you, of all of us who try hard to stay healthy in spite of the rebellious body. 

I gained a load of weight at menopause. My thyroid went kablooey, my hormones went kablooey, my metabolism went into hybernation and I slowly but steadily gained about 150 pounds over the course of five years. Its funny, I didn't want to look at it so I didn't see it. I was a widow at the time, my sons were off living their lives and I simply kept buying gradually bigger clothes. 

There came a point where I remarried, but the weight continued compounding, so I had to make an effort to lose weight via Nutrasystem and protein shakes and I did. I knocked off 100 or so pounds but that last 50 is stuck to my butt like glue. 

I'm 65 and I don't know if it ever will come off. It might if I step up the exercises and cut back on a few not good things. I use a treadmill primarily (and I'd highly recommend it as an easy slow method of easing your body back into movement) and an elliptical (which I wouldn't recommend because it might be too harsh on the knees). But walking overall, just going outside, no machines, simply taking a walk regularly is good. Anything that gets the body is motion is a positive. If you have access to a pool, a water aerobics class might be superb for you. 

I haven't closed the door on my target. But the sad news is my metabolism is so ridiculously slow that in order to NOT gain I need to eat very little, but must have the right amount of vitamins and nutrients to stay healthy. I can gain weight eating three squares, so generally I eat my primary meal at dinnertime with a teeny nibble for breakfast and a mighty protein shake for lunch. I try to stay away from carbs generally speaking, but sweets are my nemesis! 

I'd give up meat but the husband is a confirmed meat eater. I can hardly be bothered cooking one dinner, so I know I won't prep two. and as I get older, it hardly matters to me at all, ...I'd live on cans of soup if it weren't for my husband...that is, unless I'm feeding the grandkids...then I pull out the stops. (I used to LOVE food prep and cooking etc...now..I move quickly and get it over with ASAP)

I'll be checking back to see how this is going! So far as I can see, you're doing great!!


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## ioconner

Golden....How is your week?? How is Ben doing at the trainer? 

It has been one thing or another with my family lately. I'm finally starting to feel better and then my husband gets appendicitis and has surgery. After 3 days of eating junky hospital food I just knew I would have gained but nope I was actually down one. I also went to my dr appt to re xr my pelvis and I'm cleared to work and ride again!! I haven't actually gotten back on yet, but will soon. It's funny..I said I would ride the same day as my Dr appt, but I've yet to! My husband is keeping me busy!! I also just brought home a new horse so I'm excited to be working with her. 
Good thoughts heading your way!! Hope you're doing well!


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## Golden Horse

OK, not been here for a while, wasn't feeling that positive about a lot of things, but now...

Well another painful road back started on Monday, I went in for surgery on my knee, so it has been scoped, debrided, and the meniscus trimmed, so just starting to work on the physical therapy to get that all back and working as it should be,

I had a shock beforehand, although the scales at the hospital weighed the same as my home scales, she measured me at 2" shorter than I should be:shock: It says a lot that my second thought was **** that means I would have to be even lighter to be a normal BMI. As it is that doesn't matter, I don't actually care about normal BMI any more. I know what I was comfortable weighing, I have my own personal goal in mind, and that is what I will aim at, and frankly my dear I no longer give a darn about what everyone else thinks.

So first fight here, nothing more than to get rested and recovered and to do it at the right speed, don't want to undo his good work, but want to get moving ASAP. 

Second, start to really work on the weight here, now I have decided that Willow is staying I need to get to a size where I feel really comfortable riding her. Then I need to be fit enough to ride Emmy, and of course I am hoping that Ben will help me with both those goals when he comes home, so far so good at the trainers, must get another update soon, then I'll give you the current state of play.


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## ioconner

Golden...I am so glad to hear you're doing well with your knee surgery and starting on the road to recovery! My husband has been occupying so much of my time lately. He has a post-op infection from not doing as he was told. I am doing so much better lately though. My scales have refused to budge however!!

I went on a long trail ride Saturday to just destress and get out of the house. My girl did great and I couldn't have been happier with her. A girl even brought her Great Dane. I nearly SH** my pants, and she knew that I had just had the accident due to a dog. Not only is the dog the size of a pony, he bites horses. I thought "OH GREAT...HERE WE GO AGAIN! I almost decided to load back up and go home. She put a shock collar on him and at first I made sure to stay in the middle of the group and yell at him if he came near us. He did great though and I even tracked him like a cow near the end. 

Hope that you continue to recover qui


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## ioconner

DARN computer...
I meant Hope you recover quickly and look forward to hearing about your progress!


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