# How to soften the blow- leaving my barn



## StrawberryRiver

I've been with my current barn for 5 years. I am the longest boarder and have become good friends with my BO. I board an hour from my home. My BO is frequently not home due to her work taking her places and her intense show schedule.

Things have happened horse care wise that have bugged me but I haven't said anything about because of our friendship- like my horse getting strangles while my BO was gone and had a neighbor kid taking care of the horses. I showed up and my horse has a giant open sore on her throat and the vet telling me it was 5 days old. It was infected and she was dehydrated. She was shocked no one had noticed. BO denied it was strangles, told me I was being silly and the vet was wrong. My horse wasn't getting fed because the kid who feeds in exchange for free board just stopped feeding for about a month. They were taking the food and feeding it to their other horses. There is a different kid feeding now also for free board. Horse has been out of hay for a week here and there in the winter, out of water here and there in the summer. Small things that have added up. Some things I brought up- the hay and the water, but "I got busy". 

I'm asked to feed all the horses probably 6 times a month when she is not there and the kid can't feed- sometimes I drive up there just to feed because it's storming and I can't ride. Sometimes when I do go up to ride and we are in the barn, I get stuck watching the toddler- because she is too busy and I don't want him to get hurt winging around the large hoof rasp or a lunge whip around the horses. Our BO and client relationship has become very muddy, and my husband pointed it out a few weeks ago. He said he kept his mouth shut for a long time, but couldn't take it anymore after he tried to plan something nice on a weekend and I had to feed (but not get any reimbursement). Husband said he is sick of hearing how I go out to ride and come home not having ridden but having fed horses and mucked stalls. He feels as though BO is taking advantage of our friendship and after our conversation, I started to notice things, but was in denial, because she's my friend.

A month ago, a friend took her horse elsewhere. Last week, she called and asked me to meet her at her new barn so I could follow her to a place for lunch. It's nice. There is an indoor, with lights, that will make my husband worry less when I want to ride after dark. There is access to trails (one reason I was hesitant to even consider leaving my current place. I've gone to a lot of trouble to get permission to ride on some of these trails), and run ins in the pastures. It's only $50 more, the same distance from home, and when I go ride, I don't have to worry about being coerced into feeding, or mucking, or toddler watching or help clean my trailer. 

I need to give her my 30 days, and I know it's going to be ugly. I know she's going to feel like I'm betraying her. She told me she felt like I never wanted to ride with her a few months ago, because my other friend and I were riding together all the time and just stopped asking her because she was gone all the time or had the kid. I know that as much as I want to believe that this conversation could be separate from our friendship, I know that it's not going to be. She will lose it if she asks me where I'm going and I tell her, or when the trailer shows up. ( I don't own a trailer) I've already prepared to move my horse before the 30 days is up. When she asks why I'm leaving, I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore than I already will by leaving. I don't even know if this friendship is salvageable.


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## tinyliny

ugh. Sounds like a user. She is, I mean. She finds you convenient to use, and her biggest deal will be finding someone else to so easily use.


Best of luck at your new place. It can't come soon enough.


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## mmshiro

The friendship is only salvageable if you developed a relationship that goes beyond horses, and beyond your being an unpaid intern at her place. 

Take your horse to the new place, *then* tell her that you are leaving (have left). It's not about your horse being there for another 30 days, it's about the board. Eat that cost, if necessary, so you know your horse's safety is not in jeopardy. 30 days is a long time for someone with a (potential) axe to grind. If she's there when the trailer shows up, you're meeting your friend at a trail head somewhere to go ride elsewhere for a change.

Clearly with her busy show schedule, your horse is more than she and her, uhm, "staff" can handle. You're doing her a favor.

Once your horse is in a secure environment, you can handle the rest as you please: in person, by text, or by certified letter - whatever suits your personality and the situation. If her "friendship" is contingent upon your business with her...don't worry about losing it.

Good luck, and keep us updated. Definitely make that move, and soon.


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## horselovinguy

Yes, you need to move for your horses sake and benefit.
Sadly what you describe is not uncommon when business and friendship mix, then it unbalances the business part and the friend feels taken advantage of.
Whether you BO was home or away at a show, she was responsible for securing responsible, reliable people to feed, water and take care of the animals left home including watching for injury or illness.
What you and your horse have endured in my opinion is negligent care and her being irresponsible to her own animals let alone boarders who paid her, relied on her to take care of theirs..._she failed you, *period!*_
You already said you not see this friendship lasting and I agree.
She is going to be angry,_ she should be angry at herself_ for allowing this situation to evolve and take place in the first place...she has no one to blame but her!
She took advantage of you...
You were _*not *_their to do her feeding, her stalls, be her babysitter or anything else...
You _were_ a boarder and a riding student she taught...that is what your friendship was and is based upon.
Your friendship is done and over already...you've already alluded to not spending time riding with her and when you went to the barn you came home not content or happy...._that says volumes._
Sure you will feel a void for a short time after moving...but that void will soon be filled with time spent riding your horse, caring for your horse and enjoying your horse...not doing chores left undone or neglected by her barn help..
People do strange things when mad...protect yourself by removing _everything_ you have their but your halter and lead-shank now.
Do not forget anything cause once you go it will be gone and you will not be welcome to retrieve it.
You do need to tell her and the sooner the better...but also recognize it is going to be uncomfortable till you vacate the place.
You might just want to tell her and go, just give her her 30 days in cash {get a receipt!} and load on a trailer and gone.
You've already made comment that horses were not fed nor watered, stalls were left dirty...do you think during the height of show season and her competing it is going to be better...doubt it.
You're going to find your horses care lacking I bet....
I just wouldn't set my animal up for that situation, or me.
Pay and get out.
Go to that new barn and if asked why you left the other place...take the high road and not speak of the bad.
Instead, speak of the nice indoor arena and nite time lights giving you the chance to ride after dark as soon the days will be shortening in daylight, winter approaching and you want to be someplace where you now can ride evenings in a indoor as you travel a distance to get to your horse...
_Do not_ gossip or feed the rumor mill...the horse world has a vicious grapevine that will distort anything said so don't say anything but truth. The less said the better for you!
The new barn has nice amenities you desired, period.
That is fact and more than enough said...
Enjoy the new barn and good luck with the move.
:runninghorse2:...
_jmo..._


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## LoriF

I would just tell her that the reason that you are leaving is because you need to know without a shadow of a doubt that your horse is getting it's basic needs met, Um, like food and water? And that would be it. Upkeep for hoses cost a lot of money. It's not fair to pay all of that money and you are not even enjoying yourself. Tell her to give you a call if she wants to meet up for any rides. 

The new place sounds nice, go and enjoy.


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## AnitaAnne

I have been in this situation before, and it is very difficult. For your horse's sake, who has already suffered enough, move the horses belongings soon, at a time when no-one is around. Then quickly move the horse. 

This is really,* really* important; DO NOT GIVE NOTICE UNTIL THE HORSE IS SAFELY AT THE NEW BARN. I am the third poster to tell you this, and I cannot stress enough just how important it is to get your horse safely away before giving notice. 

Move quickly. Move now. Don't wait.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians

Ditto what everyone else says. Don't give notice until your horse has been moved. Clear all your stuff, less a halter and lead out when the BO isn't around and preferably when no one else is around. Then have the trailer show up on a day, hopefully when she isn't there, and take your horse out. THEN give your notice, if you feel like you must. Based on what you've told us, I wouldn't worry over much about notice other than, "I've moved the horse, we won't be back, have a nice life.".


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## loosie

Some 'friend' she sounds!! Aside from the rest, how come 'the kid' gets free board & you, her supposed friend, has to pay, when you do all these chores for her?? From what you've said, you have been taken for a sucker by her and she has used you and abused your horse(_possibly_ not purposefully - maybe she is just a naturally very inconsiderate, irresponsible person...)! I'd be out of there yesterday. Forget the 30 days notice, you owe her nothing! Sounds to me it is SHE who owes you.



StrawberryRiver said:


> I showed up and my horse has a giant open sore on her throat and the vet telling me it was 5 days old. It was infected and she was dehydrated. She was shocked no one had noticed. BO denied it was strangles, told me I was being silly and the vet was wrong. My horse wasn't getting fed because the kid who feeds in exchange for free board just stopped feeding for about a month. .... Horse has been out of hay for a week here and there in the winter, out of water here and there in the summer.


I am very surprised you count those as 'small things'! They are NECESSITIES!! To neglect care to that degree is ANIMAL ABUSE. Your horse very likely has gut problems from being starved periodically too. PLEASE for the sake of your horse, learn at least what basic necessities for a horse's health & welfare are, so you can ensure at least those are being attended to & at very least not write it off as 'small things' if they're not.



> he tried to plan something nice on a weekend and I had to feed (but not get any reimbursement). Husband said he is sick of hearing how I go out to ride and come home not having ridden but having fed horses and mucked stalls.


Please realise that you DON'T HAVE TO feed other horses, muck stalls, look after other people's kids.... whatever. It is _your choice_ to do so _if you wish_ to do the BO a favour, be they friend or otherwise, but you are far from obliged. Don't let yourself get walked over.



> I need to give her my 30 days, and I know it's going to be ugly. I know she's going to feel like I'm betraying her. She told me she felt like I never wanted to ride with her a few months ago, because my other friend and I were riding together all the time and just stopped asking her because she was gone all the time or had the kid.


Unless she is particularly ditzy & has absolutely no concept of consideration, responsibility, etc, she WILL NOT truly feel you're betraying her, and she was being petulant about you not riding with her, as an emotional ploy, whether that was intentional or not. It may well get ugly though and she may well SAY you are betraying her, try to make you feel guilty, because she doesn't want to lose your 'services'. Don't own it!



> When she asks why I'm leaving, I don't know what to say. I don't want to hurt her feelings anymore than I already will by leaving. I don't even know if this friendship is salvageable.


I know I would say it like it is - re basic care - as Lori said. It was your choice to put in all that extra work for her, so I wouldn't bring that up. And if it does 'get ugly', I wouldn't be getting upset about losing this 'friendship' myself.

And agree with Anita, _especially_ if you already expect 'ugly' then regardless of what you feel you owe her for some reason, for your horse's sake at least, DON'T give her ANY notice. If she doesn't even ensure basic care of your horse, out of... carelessness we'll call it, when she thinks you're her friend, how do you think she'll be caring for your horse after you give notice & it 'gets ugly'??


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## LoriF

Although I do believe that the OP should move the horse because of the food and water incidences, and the lack of a watchful eye, I am going to defend the B/O a little bit. She's probably thinking "Oh isn't this nice that I have free help and a good friend that helps me out" and not thinking anything of it. There is always a partner in a dance. It sounds like the OP has a hard time saying "NO" to much much of anything. Help clean the trailer? Watching the child? That will follow you wherever you go so take this lesson with you. I've gotten to a point in my life where if someone solicits my help I am either going to say yes and enjoy that I'm helping or I am going to say no and enjoy doing what I want to do.

The big problem with the B/O is that she has too much on her plate and relies on friends and free child labor. You can't leave your business in the hands of a kid. My apologies to any responsible young teens out there, but for the most part, it doesn't work. I've been in situations where B/O's want to use the cheap labor of young people and you get what you pay for. To be honest with you, I wouldn't do all of the work that it takes to do it right for the equivalent of what it costs to board one horse for a month.


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## loosie

LoriF said:


> She's probably thinking "Oh isn't this nice that I have free help and a good friend that helps me out" and not thinking anything of it. There is always a partner in a dance. It sounds like the OP has a hard time saying "NO" to much much of anything.


Yeah, I did try to convey that in my post, that that's the way it *might* be. That is, on BO's part. OP needs to realise it is her choice to allow herself to be used in this manner.


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## Avna

Can't add anything to the above great advice except to emphasize that, at least in my experience, the people who will get the most furious with you are the people who know in their hearts they have wronged you. Rather than admit that to themselves and to you, they lash out in an irrational rage. If she is like many other users, she is in a lot of denial about how she is treating you, and will not welcome that wake-up call.

Do NOT let your horse be caught in the storm. Don't leave a scrap of anything valuable around before you spring the news.

Do NOT get drawn into explaining anything. I used to feel everything could be solved by an honest conversation. Nope. Say that you just needed a change, and leave it there. 

@loosie has some wise insight. You need boundaries. There will always be takers in your life, you need to learn how to deal with them firmly before you again get in too deep to fix it.


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## Boo Walker

Don't bworry about softening the blow. Think about everything your horse has been through (that you've paid money for). This is horse safety and business - it has nothing to do with friendship.

Just give her notice in writing that your needs have changed and you will be moving on x date. That's all. 
Now when you give her the notice, you can tell her that you've enjoyed your friendship and that while you realize her life is pretty busy, you hope the two of you can stay in touch. 
If you get any drama from her end, well that's not your problem. Don't make any excuses or attempt to make her feel better. You're leaving, that's all there is to it.


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## Kalraii

Wow. You sound like a really nice person. Too nice. Real friends can discuss "uglies" and still be friends. Because we're there to help each other out. I truly believe your friend is having a hard time. She's stuck in her bubble esp as BO. It is still NO excuse for her behaviour. However you have to think... what is neglect to us is normal for her. No horse has died right? So _must_ be fine. No one is complaining to her? So it _must_ be fine. Her friend hasn't told her anything is wrong? So _must_ be OK. She is happy wearing her blindfold to shut out reality. Someone has to rip it off? You see you are not the only one that dislikes confrontation. But this fear is what enables neglect and abuse worldwide. Do you know about the bystander effect? Have you actually ONCE truly sat her down and seriously listed these issues out? About how it's NOT normal and NOT OK? If you have never once said "no" or objected to her treatment of you, the horses, her child... then she in her mind thinks that you're on her side. That her behaviour is OK. This is how nice people get trampled by the less considerate or ignorant. This is exactly how new, inexperienced horse owners get over their heads  They can't say no and don't put themselves first - or don't know how. If you HAVE actually had a sit down or several then ofc ignore this post and accept my apology. It's the internet after all and you can't include every detail.

Get your horse out of there and have a heart to heart. Do not lie. Even if this ends the friendship your last deed to her can be to be upfront. As a friend your last deed can be to teach her a VERY valuable lesson so she has the opportunity to reflect on her past behaviour and improve her management going forwards. You might also be surprised at her perspective and take something away from this, too. Can't fix what you don't communicate. 

There is no way to avoid this really. I hope it goes as well as it can... >.<


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## Avna

Kalraii said:


> Wow. You sound like a really nice person. Too nice. Real friends can discuss "uglies" and still be friends. Because we're there to help each other out. I truly believe your friend is having a hard time. She's stuck in her bubble esp as BO. It is still NO excuse for her behaviour. However you have to think... what is neglect to us is normal for her. No horse has died right? So _must_ be fine. No one is complaining to her? So it _must_ be fine. Her friend hasn't told her anything is wrong? So _must_ be OK. She is happy wearing her blindfold to shut out reality. Someone has to rip it off? You see you are not the only one that dislikes confrontation. But this fear is what enables neglect and abuse worldwide. Do you know about the bystander effect? Have you actually ONCE truly sat her down and seriously listed these issues out? About how it's NOT normal and NOT OK? If you have never once said "no" or objected to her treatment of you, the horses, her child... then she in her mind thinks that you're on her side. That her behaviour is OK. This is how nice people get trampled by the less considerate or ignorant. This is exactly how new, inexperienced horse owners get over their heads  They can't say no and don't put themselves first - or don't know how. If you HAVE actually had a sit down or several then ofc ignore this post and accept my apology. It's the internet after all and you can't include every detail.
> 
> Get your horse out of there and have a heart to heart. Do not lie. Even if this ends the friendship your last deed to her can be to be upfront. As a friend your last deed can be to teach her a VERY valuable lesson so she has the opportunity to reflect on her past behaviour and improve her management going forwards. You might also be surprised at her perspective and take something away from this, too. Can't fix what you don't communicate.
> 
> There is no way to avoid this really. I hope it goes as well as it can... >.<


I really disagree with this post. I have had many "kind intervention" types of talks with people and to be quite honest I cannot remember a single one that solved the problem. If you have a very close ongoing relationship with someone, these talks are important and necessary even if they only reset a few steps back, with inevitable drift back into the behavior in the future. Your spouse leaving the car keys in the ignition or forgetting your anniversary or something. This is not the case here. 

You, it sounds like, are young. I'm not. You will be surprised how little people change their thinking and their behavior over their lives. The vast majority of people _harden_ and become ever more entrenched in whatever they do. The OP has NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR FIXING THIS PERSON'S LIFE. ZERO. This lady no doubt has had many people fade out of her life, for the same reason the OP is going to. Some of them may have tried to tell her why. Guess what? The evidence is plain if she was able to see it, which means she isn't able. 

This BO is NOT going to change her M.O. Trust me. But, the O.P. could burn all her bridges, have a horrible talk that ended with screaming, and get the BO to badmouth her everywhere and make her life a misery to her. Or she could fade out quietly, and when she talks to her "friend" she could evade the topic with a smile. Her choice.


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## Kalraii

Avna said:


> I really disagree with this post. I have had many "kind intervention" types of talks with people and to be quite honest I cannot remember a single one that solved the problem. If you have a very close ongoing relationship with someone, these talks are important and necessary even if they only reset a few steps back, with inevitable drift back into the behavior in the future. Your spouse leaving the car keys in the ignition or forgetting your anniversary or something. This is not the case here.
> 
> You, it sounds like, are young. I'm not. You will be surprised how little people change their thinking and their behavior over their lives. The vast majority of people _harden_ and become ever more entrenched in whatever they do. The OP has NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR FIXING THIS PERSON'S LIFE. ZERO. This lady no doubt has had many people fade out of her life, for the same reason the OP is going to. Some of them may have tried to tell her why. Guess what? The evidence is plain if she was able to see it, which means she isn't able.
> 
> This BO is NOT going to change her M.O. Trust me. But, the O.P. could burn all her bridges, have a horrible talk that ended with screaming, and get the BO to badmouth her everywhere and make her life a misery to her. Or she could fade out quietly, and when she talks to her "friend" she could evade the topic with a smile. Her choice.



It does depend on what OP considers friendship. My uncle was a heroin addict and it was very easy for outsiders to tell our family to disown him and give up on him to stop wasting our time, once an addict always an addict blah blah blah blah and blah. It's true, he was a big boy but his behaviour was affecting other people for the worse. I don't consider having this type of talk a KIND intervention. And yeah we can try talk sense to people like this until our head comes off and it'll still not make a difference in how they behave. _*Frankly most people I know are to scared to have these talks in the first place to see them fail.*_ But I could not leave a situation like this without even having tried at least ONCE to make it better. I agree with you for the most part - people like this don't change their ways. But I refuse to stop trying. It's a topic I'm quite passionate about really, on not giving up. It's easy to turn a blind eye. It's harder to try to do something especially when deep in your heart you know it's probably gonna fail and not work. That the person you're trying to save will continue down that destructive path. It can be heartbreaking. Especially as you are wiser and seen repeatedly the same scenario play out. I'm aware of this. There comes a time where you'll have so many years on the rest of us that the energy isn't worth it. That yes OP has no _obligation_ to do a single thing. But if everyone thought like that.. well we can imagine what sort of world it would be today.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians

Kalraii said:


> It does depend on what OP considers friendship. My uncle was a heroin addict and it was very easy for outsiders to tell our family to disown him and give up on him to stop wasting our time, once an addict always an addict blah blah blah blah and blah. It's true, he was a big boy but his behaviour was affecting other people for the worse. I don't consider having this type of talk a KIND intervention. And yeah we can try talk sense to people like this until our head comes off and it'll still not make a difference in how they behave. _*Frankly most people I know are to scared to have these talks in the first place to see them fail.*_ But I could not leave a situation like this without even having tried at least ONCE to make it better. I agree with you for the most part - people like this don't change their ways. But I refuse to stop trying. It's a topic I'm quite passionate about really, on not giving up. It's easy to turn a blind eye. It's harder to try to do something especially when deep in your heart you know it's probably gonna fail and not work. That the person you're trying to save will continue down that destructive path. It can be heartbreaking. Especially as you are wiser and seen repeatedly the same scenario play out. I'm aware of this. There comes a time where you'll have so many years on the rest of us that the energy isn't worth it. That yes OP has no _obligation_ to do a single thing. But if everyone thought like that.. well we can imagine what sort of world it would be today.


I call that kind of talk "arguing with a stump" and it's about that effective. It's a relationship based on the boarding, not a friendship that existed before she started boarding at the facility. The OP will likely put herself through a lot of unpleasantness and she's still going to move her horse, so why bother? Just go about your business and move on.


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## Kalraii

I never asked OP to become a therapist and try reform their *friendship*. In my original reply I was asking the OP to be candid for both their sakes on why she's leaving. Constructive feedback is important. Bad reviews are just as valuable as good ones. No one here has never had an argument and later cooled off to discover you were in the wrong. That maybe what the other person said, that ex-friend, ex-lover was maybe right in their criticism? Everyone is assuming that the BO, who we don't know, is so far gone as to be labelled as write off? Not even worth honesty. That it's OK to just leave a business run as it is without a review as to how it could improve. I see some crazy cat lady neglecting 47 cats? I should just MYOB right? That woman deserves to rot. It's not as if the owner has a mental health issue and actually needs help :/ I just find that really sad mostly. This type of judgement makes it harder for people to come forward and seek help IMO.

edit: OP before reading too much into replies in case you were also mistaken my advice was to BE HONEST. That's it. That's the least anyone deserves in this life. Good luck!


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## Avna

Kalraii said:


> <snip> my advice was to BE HONEST. That's it. That's the least anyone deserves in this life. Good luck!


Honesty is not what people deserve. What people deserve is _compassion_. But for that, you need self-awareness. Not a requirement for honesty. 

Honesty is what people call it when they dump all over you. "I'm just telling my truth", I've been informed by someone who screamed at me for twenty minutes about something that they completely imagined I did which was, surprise! all about them instead. Well, thanks, buddy, for being so brave and noble. 

Honesty is what people call it when they are sure they know how you should change for the better. Ever hear that and think, "wow, I never looked at myself that way! I guess I didn't notice that I was fat, ugly, stupid, irresponsible, an addict, selfish, lazy. Thanks for pointing that out, dear friend! I'm going to get to work and fix myself right away!"

When people brag about being honest, either they aren't nearly as honest as they imagine, or they are doing something that everyone else would call being abrasive and insensitive. 

There is also the person who thrives on cornering you and trying to dig out your soul with their intense gaze and unbelievably personal questions. They too would call themselves "honest".

Please, if you have to be honest, just keep it to yourself.


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## Kalraii

@Avna I am sorry that the topic of honesty riles you. I find it hard to believe that your definition of someone being HONEST is screaming obscenities... Your example isn't that of honesty but of bullying. I see nowhere where I advised OP to rip into the BO for 20mins? The reason I would like the OP to be _honest_ is out of compassion. And this isn't just about the BO I am thinking of those in her care. There is a reason that the BO is wilfully neglecting the animals (and children) in her charge. It's usually not for fun and giggles in my experience in dealing with neglectful owners. I'm not saying that all of them should be forgiven for the suffering they have caused but the issues have to be challenged and managed nonetheless. A lot of problems are born out of ignorance and lack of education or accountability. You don't want OP to be honest to the BO because you're worried her feelings would be hurt? Truth does sometimes hurt. Being accountable isn't always fun. I think I would like the BO to be held accountable for her actions and she won't even be aware of what she's accountable for since no one is willing to actually hold up that bucket. I can't even blame the BO. She's enabled by this way of thinking.

You speak of compassion and yet I find it wanting. You speak of keeping my honest opinion to myself while bitterly pressing your own, on the internet no less. Your definition of someone being honest is them being a bully. I am frankly offended that you assume my idea of being honest of being candid, matches yours. You are very good at being candid for someone who despises it so. My experience in having open conversations have obviously had more positive outcomes than not, otherwise why else would I recommend it? And usually I am the one on the receiving end of that criticism. I do appreciate your views however and know that there are many others whose definition matches yours. I suppose there is no right or wrong - just different.


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## TaMMa89

*MODERATORS' NOTE*

Seems that there are some strong feelings in the air. I let you to know that mods have noticed this thread and just as an _preventive_ note, we kindly ask you to remember our core values while posting; disagreeing is welcome, but please remember to stay respectful toward each others and give constructive feedback.

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## Avna

I don't think I was clear enough. I never said I was compassionate, I just said that's what people need. 

Yes, I've been notably candid my whole life, I am so candid that it makes trouble for me wherever I go. Whenever I can keep my mouth shut, I do better. Whenever I listen instead of give my opinion, the world improves. I won't stop being candid, because I can't, but that doesn't mean I think it's a great quality. 

I don't think the world needs more honesty. That's because there is no real relationship between truth and honesty. Honesty is just someone's opinion, and if it's about another person, it's usually wrong or at best woefully inadequate. 

I do think that honesty is usually used as a form of bullying, the worse because it is never seen that way by those who are being "honest". 

I'm glad you have such great outcomes with your open conversations. You should keep having them then. 

I still hold to my recommendation to the OP, however.


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## LoriF

I remember years ago, constantly coming home from work and going across the street to talk to my friend about someone who was treating me really badly at work. I would be so upset. The first thing she would ask me is what I'm looking for. Am I looking for her to help me or am I looking for a best friend? I would always answer her with the reply. I'm looking for my friend to help me. Another words "Tell me like it is but be nice about it" It can be done you know.

She would always start out by stating that my power lies in my defenselessness and go on from there. Not once did she ever talk to me about what I can do to change someone else, only about what I can change in myself to cope with certain individuals better. She never said what I should do either. The word should was never in her vocabulary.


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## StrawberryRiver

I am planning on speaking to the BO tomorrow morning. I was informed that another long time boarder (4 years) gave her notice today, and another one is leaving at the end of August in a text message conversation during which she informed me that she forgot to bill me for some things last month and this month and if I could pay that ASAP she would appreciate it. After the three of us leave, she will have three boarders. 

I don't mind helping out friends when they need it. It's what friends do. Honestly, everything was okay until a couple of years ago when she started showing more, and had a kid. I don't think being honest at this point will change things- she is very overwhelmed with the toddler, her show schedule, her new job and it's travel requirements, and then lastly, the boarders. I've asked her about her stress levels and general busy-ness in the past, and she shrugs it off as 'just how things are when you have a kid'. I know that I have issues with the word no. It's one reason I have a human therapist as well as a horse therapist. I've gotten better, but nobody wants to hear about that.  

Horse is ready to go, all of her stuff is at home with me except her halter and lead. Husband really does not understand how I have this much stuff for one horse.
I have a bottle of wine and a thank you card for BO that I plan on leaving in the barn. I don't plan on telling her where we are going, or explaining why we are going. If she asks me I will tell her we are looking at some options closer to home, but haven't settled on a place for sure.

Though I am not new to horses, this is the first horse that's been MINE. I've never had to "break up" with my boarding barn, and this feels so much like a break up. I have the sick to my stomach feeling and everything. I really appreciate all your responses and thoughts. I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.


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## loosie

Just have to say, post 13 @Kalraii Extremely pertinent & well said! 

To witness abuse and do nothing about it is akin to being the abuser yourself. Sounds harsh. It is. But IMHO it is true. 

BUT I do accept that witnessing but being ignorant of the abuse is also understandable & deserves forgiveness - and extends to the abuser too, because if no one has educated you about something, or even let you know what you don't know, then how are you to know better? I do believe that the vast majority of us do the best we can with the knowledge we have and that most 'abuse' is out of ignorance.


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## KigerQueen

i have learnt the hard way at least 3 times. do NOT mix friend and money. something similar has happened to me before including my hay being fed to BOs horses and NOT mine. 

1. Move your horse first. get him in a SAFE environment get him settled and healthy

2a. Tell Bo that you decided to move to a place that has a lighted arena to be able to ride at night (tell the positive on why you wanted to move to help keep things civil
2b. Tell BO the negative on why you left (if you dont care too much about maintain friendship). 
2c. (nicer than 2b) tell her that you cant help take care of the horses and still ride. that you need to just come out and focus on your horse

3. pay that months board. that way BO dose not feel slighted or cheated out of a 30 day. if she asks why you moved before the 30 day tell her they would not hold the stall for 30 days so the horse needed moved ASAP.

I would evaluate the friendship. BUT that is YOUR choice. but your horse's health and quality of life is #1 priority. you cannot let your friendship of her feelings get in the way of that. if she wants to throw a fit or get ugly then that is on her. do not let that stop you. i did that ONCE! let me show you what happened in the 30 days i decided to give my friend (whom i had known for many years) to my poor arab.

the halter pics are from after and before she want to be at a friend house. you can she how just 2 months at my "friends" effected her. took me almost 3 months to undo what happened to her. she was supposed to go to her place for pasture board. they never turned her out. just keeped her in the stall. They fed my hay to their horses, not my poor girl. fyi their horses where obese.


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## loosie

Avna said:


> You will be surprised how little people change their thinking and their behavior over their lives. The vast majority of people _harden_ and become ever more entrenched in whatever they do. The OP has NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR FIXING THIS PERSON'S LIFE. ZERO. ...
> This BO is NOT going to change her M.O. Trust me. But, the O.P. could burn all her bridges, have a horrible talk that ended with screaming, and get the BO to badmouth her everywhere and make her life a misery to her. Or she could fade out quietly, and when she talks to her "friend" she could evade the topic with a smile. Her choice.


I understand your sentiment & from my own experience, tend to agree it's not likely to be productive. Agree thoroughly that it is not a RESPONSIBILITY for OP to have that talk, try to help her friend by it. It is another choice that she can make if she wants to. And as said, I wouldn't likely bring up the 'user' bit - OP needs to own that, as her choice. 

BUT I also like to give benefit of doubt & try to help if there's a possibility of it... helping. Therefore, depending on how much I cared for this person, I would tell her that I could no longer risk my horse's welfare considering this situation. 

Even if she doesn't change her *attitude* about this, it possibly just might change her behaviour, for the good of horses in her care, for selfish reasons, if she sees that this lack is losing her income of boarders...

I, as most seem to, HATE confrontations & will avoid them if at all possible. But sometimes you just gotta do it. I had a friend, who has many horses, dogs etc and does not look after them. Without going into detail, I had had repeated talks to her about how much one of her horses were suffering. She claimed that the vet couldn't do anything & that it was too expensive to get the vet & she couldn't afford it... etc. I suggested she could sell one or few of her other horses to pay for necessary care. She told me her other horses were also worthless(they are older, only one broken to ride, haven't even had hoofcare or worming...). I told her a bullet wouldn't cost much. After ages of trying to get through to her, feeling more & more guilty that I was witnessing this horse's suffering & kept giving her more chances, because she was my friend, I finally told her if she didn't deal with him, I'd call the RSPCA. I ended up doing so & the horse was put down. She cried 'betrayal' & tried to make me feel like the guilty one. 

I felt guilty that I'd let that horse suffer for so long & given her too many chances because she was a friend. But I would have felt guilty towards her if I hadn't at least tried to get through, before 'bringing it to a head'.


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## KigerQueen

OP i see you have a game plan. good! and leaving a long term place is hard and nerve wracking. That's ok just focus on the positive on the new place


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## loosie

Kalraii said:


> I see some crazy cat lady neglecting 47 cats? I should just MYOB right? That woman deserves to rot. It's not as if the owner has a mental health issue and actually needs help :/ I just find that really sad mostly. This type of judgement makes it harder for people to come forward and seek help IMO.


This reminds me of the sayings "All it takes for Evil to prevail is for a good man to do nothing." and "If you're not trying to be part of the solution, then you're probably part of the problem."


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## loosie

Best wishes OP!


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## Avna

loosie said:


> I understand your sentiment & from my own experience, tend to agree it's not likely to be productive. Agree thoroughly that it is not a RESPONSIBILITY for OP to have that talk, try to help her friend by it. It is another choice that she can make if she wants to. And as said, I wouldn't likely bring up the 'user' bit - OP needs to own that, as her choice.
> 
> BUT I also like to give benefit of doubt & try to help if there's a possibility of it... helping. Therefore, depending on how much I cared for this person, I would tell her that I could no longer risk my horse's welfare considering this situation.
> 
> Even if she doesn't change her *attitude* about this, it possibly just might change her behaviour, for the good of horses in her care, for selfish reasons, if she sees that this lack is losing her income of boarders...
> 
> I, as most seem to, HATE confrontations & will avoid them if at all possible. But sometimes you just gotta do it. I had a friend, who has many horses, dogs etc and does not look after them. Without going into detail, I had had repeated talks to her about how much one of her horses were suffering. She claimed that the vet couldn't do anything & that it was too expensive to get the vet & she couldn't afford it... etc. I suggested she could sell one or few of her other horses to pay for necessary care. She told me her other horses were also worthless(they are older, only one broken to ride, haven't even had hoofcare or worming...). I told her a bullet wouldn't cost much. After ages of trying to get through to her, feeling more & more guilty that I was witnessing this horse's suffering & kept giving her more chances, because she was my friend, I finally told her if she didn't deal with him, I'd call the RSPCA. I ended up doing so & the horse was put down. She cried 'betrayal' & tried to make me feel like the guilty one.
> 
> I felt guilty that I'd let that horse suffer for so long & given her too many chances because she was a friend. But I would have felt guilty towards her if I hadn't at least tried to get through, before 'bringing it to a head'.


Yes, if there is real abuse going on, you owe it to the animals -- not the person! -- to speak and then act.


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## Zeth

mmshiro said:


> Take your horse to the new place, *then* tell her that you are leaving (have left). It's not about your horse being there for another 30 days, it's about the board. Eat that cost, if necessary, so you know your horse's safety is not in jeopardy. 30 days is a long time for someone with a (potential) axe to grind. If she's there when the trailer shows up, you're meeting your friend at a trail head somewhere to go ride elsewhere for a change.


This is 100% what I would do - try to make sure that no-one else from the current barn overhears you talking about it or look like you're doing something out of the ordinary (i.e. don't start moving tack, etc) - just make plans for the horse ASAP, get him out, and then come back and bring your husband or someone with you if you're afraid of confrontation. Pay her for the last month via a check that way she can't say "oh you never paid me for the last month" or come up with a way to cause an issue.


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## Acadianartist

You'll be ok. We had to leave a barn because we were unhappy with the services provided. I just told the BO we wanted to bring the horse closer to home (which we did - our neighbors to be precise), but it really was about more than that, and I think he knew it. We left in the middle of the month because I just couldn't bear to leave my horse there another day, and I told him I'd pay the whole month, but he said no, and just charged me for the days we were there. He even trailered my horse to the new barn (I paid for this of course). No hard feelings between us, and I hardly ever said anything negative about his barn to anyone. Only those who asked me specifically got answers, and they were as unbiased as possible. I didn't go around saying horrible things about the place -- even though I very well could have. 

The horse world is small. You don't want to offend anyone if you can help it. I think your idea of a bottle of wine and thank you card is excellent. So is the idea of telling her you want your horse closer. You will likely just go your separate ways, and she won't like you for it, but it's pretty hard to resent someone who brings you wine  

You will be so happy when you've moved from this place! Best of luck.


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## elkdog

I would ask her:
How many horses do you have here?...…..Then say:
NOT ANY MORE!

I'm not real subtle.


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## AnitaAnne

I think it is obvious that most of us have already tried the "be considerate and honest" route. 

The idea that "people can change, if only they could be taught what is right" morphs into a desire to protect our helpless horse from the abuse they will suffer once the thirty day notice is given. 


Horror stories abound on the things BO have done from locking the owner out, to locking the horse in and starving it, to stealing the horse and/or tack. 


I have even had a gun pulled on me as I tried to take my horse and belongings. 


So call me cynical. Now I move the horse(s) first, give notice later. 

The OP's BO has already shown her "dedication" to their friendship by making the OP an unpaid worker, not notifying the OP that her horse was sick and refusing to believe the vet's diagnosis. 

To top it off, when she found out boarders are leaving, she "remembered some money the OP needs to pay her". 

If the OP waits to move her horse, there is a good chance that she will loose her place in the other barn to someone else that will be moving their horse. 

I say again, move your horse quickly for the horse's safety and your peace of mind.


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## KigerQueen

elkdog said:


> I would ask her:
> How many horses do you have here?...…..Then say:
> NOT ANY MORE!
> 
> I'm not real subtle.


I laughed so hard my cat scatterd and my rats all jumped lol!


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## Dixiesmom

And who knows, maybe less horses to deal with will help her out since she's so over loaded with other obligations.

Honestly she doesn't sound like a friend I would want to hang onto, but I know there were also good times between you. But it has become a too one sided friendship as far as giving, and eventually you will get mad about it and will resent her. Leave on the best terms you can, and look forward, not back.


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## tim62988

Type out some of your reasons for leaving. it will give you some time to look at your answers since you don't want to burn any bridges and will give her something to sit down and ponder. 

make sure she knows this is a business decision (the BO can figure out that her personal things like her show schedule and her child are hurting her business but that's fine as the business has grown too big for her to juggle everything, nothing wrong with needing to restructure a business to accommodate life)

you spend XX/month on board and due to various reasons you don't feel you are getting your money's worth 

also extend the olive branch that sometime when she wants to go for a trail ride at her place, your new place, or somewhere else to give you a call but you aren't the type of person that is going to beg for others to come riding but if you are free when she is you are game (my wife & I have a friend that constantly says "lets go riding ___day" we say "ok give us a call" and we never hear from her so we don't plan our weekends around those types of people but we do hang out with them if we are free when they are)


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## StrawberryRiver

So, the moving horse first plan didn't exactly work out. The farrier was out and I went to hold my horse. We were talking and I thought I was being normal, albeit noncommittal, in my answers to her questions about when I can do xyz. After the farrier left she cornered me and asked me what was going on. I couldn't lie- I am so bad at confrontation that thinking about telling her has been killing me. So I just told her that I was giving her 30 days because I wanted to move horse closer to home ( a small white lie, not necessarily for lack of trying to move her closer! The barns closer are just not worth the $$ and a lot of them are similar situations to what I currently have) and that I appreciated everything. I gave her a bottle of wine and a thank you card. She cried. In my thank you card I told her that when she is ready to hang out or ride to let me know. I put the ball in her court. I did not tell her when horse is moving, or where horse is moving to. Asked her to please send me a final invoice. She has yet to do that. I don't feel like I should have to hound her for me to pay her.

Horse moves Wednesday evening. I guess she'll find out where horse is going when the trailer pulls up, which is what is going to upset her most. I think she'll keep it under wraps though because I'm taking my husband with and the owner of the other barn will be there and she isn't going to jeopardize her reputation by freaking out. I will be so glad when this is over and I can stop worrying about everything.


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## mmshiro

StrawberryRiver said:


> I am so bad at confrontation that thinking about telling her has been killing me.


Reminds me of Lord of the Rings: "I don't want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I cannot avoid is even worse."

Good look!!!


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## LoriF

You really do deserve to be able to enjoy your horse. I hope this move helps you to do that.


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## Acadianartist

So glad you got the conversation done and over with! Glad your husband is going to pick up the horse as well. You will feel better when this is behind you, and it will be a fresh start for you and your horse. Remember not to put yourself in this position again! There is a real skill to keeping a business relationship cordial, even friendly, without making it too personal. Don't make the same mistake again at the new place -- be prepared to help out at the barn anytime it can be of use because BOs really appreciate that, but only when it's convenient for you and when others are also pitching in. Don't get suckered into a similar situation again!


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## LoriF

StrawberryRiver, I hope that I didn't come off as being too judgmental or trying to be your therapist. I've just been in your shoes before doing things that I really didn't want to do or had not intended on doing and then getting upset about it. It's also easy for someone who's feeling very overwhelmed to see you as their savior when they see you coming down the drive. Especially if they are accustomed to you helping out all of the time. 

I've had to train myself to be a little more selfish and realized that sometimes you just have to leave peeople with their own messes. Sometimes I tell myself "Who am I to take their experiences away from them?" "After all, my biggest teachers have been when I got myself out of my own messes".

Do I still help out when I can? Of course I do. I just don't throw my life out of the window to do it.

The new place sounds like a much better environment for your horse and you. Please do share your adventures. I think you are going to have loads of fun and relaxation.


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## beau159

StrawberryRiver said:


> Asked her to please send me a final invoice. She has yet to do that. I don't feel like I should have to hound her for me to pay her.
> 
> Horse moves Wednesday evening. I guess she'll find out where horse is going when the trailer pulls up, which is what is going to upset her most. I think she'll keep it under wraps though because I'm taking my husband with and the owner of the other barn will be there and she isn't going to jeopardize her reputation by freaking out. I will be so glad when this is over and I can stop worrying about everything.



I think you are making the correct decision.


I would not wait for her to come up with an invoice. I would write my own invoice, explain that this is payment in FULL, and hand her a check tomorrow when you load your horse up. (If you normally pay cash, then get a receipt from her -- no exceptions.) Depending on your contract, I'm guessing you will be paying for the entire month of August, which would be your 30 days notice. And assuming you've already paid for the month of July. 



Good luck.


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## StrawberryRiver

LoriF said:


> StrawberryRiver, I hope that I didn't come off as being too judgmental or trying to be your therapist. I've just been in your shoes before doing things that I really didn't want to do or had not intended on doing and then getting upset about it. It's also easy for someone who's feeling very overwhelmed to see you as their savior when they see you coming down the drive. Especially if they are accustomed to you helping out all of the time.
> 
> I've had to train myself to be a little more selfish and realized that sometimes you just have to leave peeople with their own messes. Sometimes I tell myself "Who am I to take their experiences away from them?" "After all, my biggest teachers have been when I got myself out of my own messes".
> 
> Do I still help out when I can? Of course I do. I just don't throw my life out of the window to do it.
> 
> The new place sounds like a much better environment for your horse and you. Please do share your adventures. I think you are going to have loads of fun and relaxation.



I haven't thought at all that you were being judgemental. I have very much appreciated all of the suggestions and encouragement, and it has helped me tremendously! Horse moves tonight and I am so happy for this whole thing to be DONE!!


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## EstrellaandJericho

LoriF said:


> I remember years ago, constantly coming home from work and going across the street to talk to my friend about someone who was treating me really badly at work. I would be so upset. <B>The first thing she would ask me is what I'm looking for. Am I looking for her to help me or am I looking for a best friend? </B> I would always answer her with the reply. I'm looking for my friend to help me. Another words "Tell me like it is but be nice about it" It can be done you know.
> 
> She would always start out by stating that my power lies in my defenselessness and go on from there. Not once did she ever talk to me about what I can do to change someone else, only about what I can change in myself to cope with certain individuals better. She never said what I should do either. The word should was never in her vocabulary.


My sister used to do this to me. I wish I did it more for her, but as the younger sister I never really felt like I could teach her anything so I mostly kept my mouth shut. It worked really well for me. I miss her.


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