# My horse, My money. Wheres the problem?



## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

i'm sure i'm not the first with this issue, so i really just would like to know how you guys handled it. if your going to bring down the hammer on me, can you do it nicely please? 

My fiance used to pay for my horse, because he was the only one bringing in income, since i worked in exchange for our room and board. Now, i work two jobs (sometimes three depending on if i'm training something) and am a much better budget-er/saver/whatever. Currently, he has more debt than he can shake a stick at, while my savings has a nice little cushion on it. Now fro the problem....

Any time i talk about buying new tack, or how much the next potential project horse is, he gets all huffy and puffy telling me how its too expensive. But hes not spending anything 0n my horse, or anything involving my horse/s, and hasn't for nearly 8 months. Discussions about it with him turn into arguments on how i should be doing more, although i already pay 3/4 our rent and our electric because he's irresponsible. 

How do i get the point across that i will do what i'm gonna do regardless of his opinion, because i want to and i can?

Oh, and yes, i can afford the care and time expense for another horse. (especially since i've started working jockey hrs!)


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## Tarpan (May 6, 2012)

What was the cash value of the work you did for room and board?


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## geekwithahorse (Dec 11, 2012)

Oh boy... I probably should just bite my tongue, as I have two ex-wifes, so clearly relationships aren't my strong suite. What I can say, is that if you are paying for your hobby, and contributing significantly to the household/joint expenses, I don't see the issue. I have two vices... well three: my horse, single malt scotch, and fine cigars. When I was married to ex#2, she would incessantly complain about the cost of my horse... and I paid ALL of the bills.

So... consider carefully what is actually important to you. I got to the point, where I realized that I had to actually choose between preserving myself (ie. retaining those things in my life that truly defined me and brought me joy), and being in a relationship that was slowly but surely suffocating me via the inherent parasitic nature of it. In the end, I chose my horse, my life, rather than continuing in a relationship where to keep the relationship I would have to give up my horse, harley, cigars and scotch.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

3000 a month. covered food, rent (2 br and a yard) and transportation. I didnt get any monetary payout for it, but it was a nice place to live til the owners daughter came home. thats why we left.


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## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

To be honest..just dont talk about it to him for a bit. Maybe stop talking about some other unnecessary stuff as well. That's what I did with my mum. She'd get so ****ed about me not discussing anything with her that she'd ask me why I stopped, and I told her that because she made it an arguement everytime I figured she didnt want to hear about it. She apologized and she asks me about stuff now..I know she doesnt really approve of it, but there's nothing she can do about it.
I did the same thing with one of my exs..he'd complain about how I shouldnt buy this or that and save my money, even when he knew it made me happy. I stopped talking about anything I wanted to buy and he finally asked me why I wasnt talking like I use to..All I had to do was tell him that I thought he didnt wanna hear it because he always complained..not once did he ever complain about me discussing purchases again. I could tell he didnt really approve, but he had enough mind to just leave it instead of being rude about saving.

I can't say this' ll work for your situation..but if he really cant stand you spending YOUR money, not to mention you're paying for almost everything now as is..I might contemplate the decision of whether or not to stay with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm thinking if you marry this dude you will be taking on his debt and your little squabbles will turn in to WW3. His stuff is important whereas a woman's is frivolous, wasteful spending. He's not smart enough to figure out that a happy wife means a happy hubby.This is the voice of experience. My fiance had this idea women can't deal with money matters, it's up to the man. Like your fiance, mine was getting farther and farther in the hole. As a teen the best gift my parents gave me was how to budget money and I learned to run a tight ship. And suddenly I'm not supposed to be at the helm? Then he wanted me to sign on the dotted line for another loan. When I refused WW3 was declared. I left. I much preferred being alone and in control of my finances. When I did marry my hubby first confession was that he was no good with money and hoped I was, just give him a weekly allowance. It worked out great, no debt, a healthy savings account.


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## Tarpan (May 6, 2012)

I would not discuss the matter with him. If he tries to pick a fight, give him "the back" - withdraw, disengage, show him your rump (hey, this is a horse forum, right?  )... whatever works to make it absolutely clear that this issue is nonnegotiable and not open to discussion.


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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

You're paying 3/4 of the bills, working like a mad woman, he has the debt and he has the gall to give you grief over spending YOUR money how you want?! Pfft, I'd buy what I wanted and let him pout about it. I wouldn't even discuss it with him. Until you are married & your funds are co-mingled he shouldn't get to tell you how to spend your hard earned money (and maybe not even then...my hubby has seen me discipline too many horses to even consider trying to tell me what to do haha!) 

Just do it, that's how you get your point across!


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## kenda (Oct 10, 2008)

Honestly, ...if this is how it is right now, when you're not married/your finances are not joined, what's it going to be like when they are? You need to respect each others opinions on important things like how you spend your money or you're not going to have a very happy marriage. Saying its your money and you can spend it how you want is just a slap in his face when he's expressing his concerns. However, if you really feel that you're doing more than your share and he is still racking up debt and saying you need to do more, that's not a healthy situation either.

I can see his side somewhat, in that I came into my relationship with a sizeable debt from school while my fiance came in with a sizeable savings account. Until we joined our accounts together, he pretty much paid for everything while I squeezed my pennies to be able to pay back my debt and still pay for a few bills. When we joined our finances together, WE paid the remainder of my debt. Now both of our pay cheques go into the same account, we both work approximately equal hours, so even though he technically brings in the lions share of our income, there is no quibbling over finances. We make large purchase decisions together. We each have hobbies that we spend money on and we just try to be reasonable about costs (ie, I do self board instead of full board so that my horse does not cost so much).

Basically what I'm getting at is if you can't make mature adult decisions about your finances at this point, maybe you should not be getting married.


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## OutOfTheLoop (Apr 1, 2012)

Am I the only one who caught that he helps pay the bills, paid for her horse and is now in debt? Was he in debt when he was paying for your horse? But he still payed for it? I'm going to have to side with him on this one. If yall are getting married and joining finances, then you are inadvertently taking on his debt. He helped you, now you should help him. Maybe you shouldn't buy that shiny new saddle or what not until you get the debt under control, together, because that is what marriage is, together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenda (Oct 10, 2008)

Noted that as well OutOfTheLoop but she also stated that during that time she was working for their room and board, so it makes sense that her income went to that while his went to the other necessities/luxuries. My question would be why is he now in debt then? If it's just from poor money decisions or superfluous spending, I can see her frustration. If on the other hand he's maybe going to school to get a better career and improve their futures, that's a different situation.


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## CLaPorte432 (Jan 3, 2012)

Im going to go out on a limb here and guess that he is jealous that you have extra cash around while he is struggling. Its a man thing. Men "should make more then women" they should be the "center of the household" and all that crap.

I think his ego is taking a beating.

He either needs to man up or get out. Being a child isnt the way to handle it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BBBCrone (Jan 28, 2012)

OutOfTheLoop has a point. I don't think I caught exactly how the fiance got into debt. If he got into debt helping to support your horses through the tough times, then that should be paid back to him without question first before anything else. If his debt is his own because he can't control his impulse buys then that's another story.

But honestly, finances are one of the BIGGEST bones of contentions in relationships. Ya'll need to be able to sit down and talk it out responsibly. Especially if you are getting married. And this is all just IMO.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

First of all, I want to strongly disagree with everyone who said: "Well if he gets mad about it, then don't talk to him about it." Relationship 101 --> *communication.* If you can't talk about certain subjects without one of you shutting down, or one of you start yelling, etc then you've got bigger issues than if you can afford horse tack or not. 

My hubby and I have been together for over 8 years (actually married only since June), but throughout those 8 years there was one time that I stormed out of the room upset (which really doesn't count because alcohol was involved on both parts and emotions just run rampad then) and one time when our voices got a little heated. That's it. Two times in over 8 years. Why? Because we are communicating constantly. There's not one single issue or one single scenario we don't talk it out and reach a decision together. 

You two need to do the same. 

Are you going to continue paying more than your share of the rent/board? Are you going to help him with his debt (since he used to take care of your horse)? Or, are you not? You two need to talk about it and figure that out. 



> How do I get the point across that I will do what i'm going to do *regardless of his opinion*, because I want to and I can?


I am not a counseler or relationship expert by any means, but this statement bothers me. I don't know anything about you two but this single statement would make be very leery about you two tying the knot. 

If you want to go do what you want on your terms when you want, then break it off and be single. Otherwise, there is another person in your life attached to you that you need to be considerate about. The two of you need to talk and figure this out. And if you can't talk and figure things out, well ......


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## FlyGap (Sep 25, 2011)

Finances can be so problematic, but if you do it right it can bring you two together!

Have you guys sat down and made a budget? A really good one outlining debt, income, expenses, and then a savings plan for the future? Have you listed your goals for the future? Like kids, house, farm, cars, are you in school or paying it off?

It's the first thing we settled when we got together. I can honestly say if we didn't have an "outline" and hadn't agreed to stick to it and work for our goals we wouldn't still be together! LOL! Not saying things won't get rough, life is rough.
I get what I want and need, I have my horses, my farm, everything, but that's because we made a plan.
It's amazing what you can afford when you stick to it.

If you practice now while engaged things will be easier in the long run!


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## FlyGap (Sep 25, 2011)

Silly double posts!


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

> he's irresponsible.


Maybe its time to find a new boyfriend...? 


While I do agree with beau, that you need to communicate and I think that is really important as well as honesty. He has no right to tell you what you can do with your money. Sit down and talk about it, that means no yelling and fighting. Tell him that your not looking to get in a fight but you want to hear his opinions and you want to tell him yours. (on why you can get another horse ect) but if your are working 2-3 jobs are you sure you have time for a project horse?


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

If the guy is willing, I think you both need pre marital counselling and financial counselling. It can be a real eye opener unless someone is close-minded. Most men think they are capable of handling marital and financial problems when in reality they aren't. The ones who openly communicate with their loved one doesn't need counselling in either matter unless both love to spend with little regard for the bills.


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

I read your post and am going to respond sans first reading any other responses (thus, if I am being redundant here, I apologize).

My quick & dirty answer? BEWARE of any relationship wherein you and your partner do NOT SEE BASICALLY EYE TO EYE ON MATTERS OF MONEY.

You say you are engaged, which is good, because it is during THIS TIME PERIOD that you have the ability with minimal hassle (emotional pain not withstanding) to leave the relationship, if need be.

This sounds incredibly harsh, no doubt, to a younger person having not yet experienced the horrendous nightmare of A)fighting, CONSTANTLY, for years over each of your differing VALUES IN REGARD TO FINANCIAL MATTERS; or B)having to split up a MARRIAGE, POSSIBLY DESTROYING your children's NEED to be raised by two parents, in the same home, every day, because the "staying together" option would look like A above (constant arguing is even harder on kids)...

If you and your fiancé differ intrinsically on values of ANY OF THE FOLLOWING : MORALS/RELIGION/MONEY/SEX/LIFESTYLE....AND you CAN'T truly "get together" (agree to AGREE ON ALL!), you or he will EITHER HAVE TO LEARN TO BE EXTREMELY MALLEABLE and more often than not just "go with it" and do what the other wants (this builds huge resentment in ALL BUT THE MIGHTIEST of cooperative-minded folks), & even then, I'm not so sure...OR LEAVE. PERIOD.

It sucks, but IMHO ONLY, this is the "WAY IT IS" MOST of the time when it comes to relationships. I also believe that IF MORE PEOPLE took the necessary TIME to look at these matters while "playing house" before marriage, our divorce rate in the US would not be, depending on where you get your stats, nearly 60%(!), kids would would grow up in two parent households, & the PARENTS IN THE HOUSEHOLD (as well as the kids!) would be so much more secure and well adjusted!

I am happily married for nearly 10 years, but my husband and I are unusually malleable, each of us bent 90% to the others beliefs, over time; me to his re: religion and sex, he to mine over finances and "roles"...we got veeery lucky. & we still struggle. We would have divorced 100% after finally LOOKING AT THESE ISSUES of VAST DISAGREEMENT after TWO YEARS OF MARRIAGE (ridiculous on our part that we waited this long!) IF HE HADN'T ALREADY suffered through a terrible divorce and realized neither of us would fare well through that process..enter therapy, LOTS AND LOTS OF COMMUNICATION and getting to the CORE of WHY we held the beliefs we did and WHERE EACH OF US WAS willing to BEND.

It DEFINITELY BROUGHT US CLOSER than I've ever been to anyone, but WHY GO THROUGH THIS if you can find someone with whom you already agree on the important stuff.I'm not saying "leave him!" at all...but only YOU CAN KNOW where you two are & if it's WORTH THE STRUGGLE. Its so much larger than tack, horses, & "whether you should have to do what he wants/he what you want" on horse-related stuff. It speaks to the LARGER ISSUES in the relationship and what you each are willing to look at/deal with/or get out.

I TRULY wish you the very best...this is really tough stuff...B2H


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

you will argue about money and how it is spent through most of your marriage. 
how id you work for room and board ? Did you clean house, do his laundry etc?
would you have done that anyway? He generously bought you a horse. Why is he in debt? Is the new tack so much more important than your relationship?
You need sit down and Calmly discuss things. You can do what you want and ignore him. Scream and yell and argue and still do what you want, bet after a while it gets old, and will ruin a relationship


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## Muppetgirl (Sep 16, 2012)

You're either going to decide that 'what's yours is yours' and 'what's mine is mine' and spend a life time of complete financial separation.....or else you are going to unite as a couple and focus on what the priorities are that benefit you both individually and as a couple....

I've seen these relationships where the couples have separate bank accounts (after marriage) and they have always been secretive and separate.......I'm not a fan of this 'my money' attitude, especially when a couple are engaged to be married....which is a uniting of the pair.....

When someone is in a premarital relationship such as being engaged and they are struggling financially and the other party is not supportive or is flippant with their money and has an attitude of 'not sharng' it sends up a big red flag....to me atleast......


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## MyBoyPuck (Mar 27, 2009)

If you are going to marry this guy, better to get all this straightened out now than later. I'd be more worried about his debt than him complaining about your spending your own money. So it doesn't become a bigger snowball, either the two of you alone or with a fee only financial planner, sit down and agree on a budget. I'm not expert on living with any human. I would have dumped the guy for the horse at the first sign of trouble. But if you guys are already bickering about money, it ain't going to get any better once your finances are combined and his spending can affect your credit. In this economy, credit is the most powerful force in the universe.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

If he loves you, he would enjoy the fact that you have your own money and spend it on things that make you happy. But you say he tells you it's too expensive and you argue. Happy, functional relationships don't work this way.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Great advice here! Money and Children are the two most difficult things to iron out between two people who marry. IF your basic idea of what money is for, and how much debt our are comfortable accepting is not close to his, then you will have a lifetime of struggles.
There can be some difference, of course. My husband does not think spending money on horsey lessons and clinics and stuff is a good use of money, but within reason he accepts that this is important to me. And I accept his wish to have "boy toys of the electronic persuasion"

This "play" money is only acceptable as long as we have the basics met. We both agree that debt is not to be tolerated for long. We both agree that money for education is an important investment. That money should be saved for our future, that we should not begrudge small purchases that bring joy, like Birthday gifts, that second hand things are perfectly acceptable, that tipping generously is important, that we do not give our children huge allowance, and on and on and on.

Fundamentally, a husband and wife should have similar paradigms for what money means and how it should be used. If you have the same basic respect for money, you'll work out the details. It's not all doom and gloom.


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

Absolutely agree 100% with all posters below mine (haven't gotten to those above yet!). Excellent advice & perspective, folks...

Ana...It MAY SEEM a bit off topic/rough to read, but really it isnt.
.you can take it from me (& ALL OF MY, unfortunately, divorced friends /family)...


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

IMO...

He helped you out while you were in a bind. Yes you contributed but you were still in a bind. Now he's in a bind and while yes you are contributing still to the household you should be helping him. Take some of your extra and help him pay off the debt. You'll still get your new tack, just a little slower.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FutureRN (Aug 8, 2012)

I TOTALLY agree with beau. You need to keep open communication, not shut him out. Sit down and talk about how you feel. Try and explain that you care about his concerns, but don't want to be controlled either. GL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

This is such a major block in relationships--please think carefully about merging, the money, the beliefs, the debt, the thoughts about-it's My money-I'll do what I want. Lots of red flags here,but taking on another horse w/all this going on & the state of the economy at the moment,may not be the wisest. Horses get hurt, as do people,emergencies happen-do you have $$ for this without getting into further debt? Lots of good advice in the posts, please read carefully.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

...... okay...going to explain. 

he DID NOT BUY MY HORSE.
When i was working for our room and board, it was an in home hospice kind of deal. i cleaned, did laundry, cooked, changed a 90 yr old mans diapers, chased down an 80 yr old woman who thought she was five all day, and babysat 2 13 yr old girls in the afternoons, and for the last half of it, i was also cleaning up after said elderly couples daughter (a 43 yr old meth head). i did this 24/7, as he was often up in t he night with terrors. since we've left, i've required therapy, and am on meds for anxiety. All of which i'm paying for. he lived in clean well fed comfort, and if you knew of him and i before, you'll know that it was rocky anyway. he insisted i wasnt "working" but he had everything he needed provided for him as far as home and food. All he paid for was his truck, and 300 a month which is all my horse cost him. (the cash bonus i got once a month wet to fun stuff for horse, fiance and me)

our agreement upon moving into our place, was splitting everything down the middle. Half the rent, half on the groceries, half on electric, he pays his truck, i pay my horse. Its turned into i pay 3/4 of the rent, most of the groceries, all of our electric, and my horse and now the shop truck i've taken as a personal vehicle because i cant drive his. 

The reason i cant drive his truck, is the same reason he's in debt. he got into an accident texting, and needs a new bumper. he broke his headlight on a horse trail (moron) and needs one of those. he punched and broke his steering wheel, it wiggles and floats all over the place. He also has a suspended license because he didnt pay a ticket for not having a bumper on. he's in debt because of his own irresponsibility. not from my horse. 

thus far, i've taken the stance of shutting my mouth. i dont talk about what i'm doing at the barn, or how much my last tack store order was, or anything. i GLADLY take on our bills so he can figure himself out,
however, i am not sure where the money is going, as hes been aware of all of these issues for a couple of months,a nd not done anything but b*tc* about how theres no money.....i make less than he does.


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## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

This marriage is doomed, IMO. You obviously have NO respect for him (ie calling him a moron...), and do not yet realize that when married you are seen as one. You finance houses together (which his debt may well sabotage), and are supposed to be a TEAM. You are supposed to put him before yourself, and he is supposed to put you before himself. Period. The whole "its all about me" crap does not work in a marriage. Makes for a great single life. You need to respect each other and work together. Period. I am voting for a really long engagement.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

so, not knowing anything about our relationship other than about money you've decided that i disrespect him? cause his calling me a *****, and not allowing me at the barn by myself, and lying about his other women, and constantly putting me down, and beating my animals, and stealing money from our rent, and ignoring my birthday, and our anniversary, and our bills, that shows respect for me? telling me i should kill myself, and that the rape was my fault, and that i deserved to get beaten in my teens is all respect for me right? 

I ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE REGARDING MONEY AND MY HORSE< NOT ON MY MARRIAGE AND IF WE RESPECT EACHOTHER. 

you have absolutely no idea ho offensive you just were, or how much therapy and counseling I PERSONALLY HAVE GONE THROUGH to try to make this work, that hes refused to join me for. this thread was out of no longer wanting to be controlled in ONE ASPECT of my life. you dont know my relationship.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

and i'm sorry, but if your going to take a FULL SIZE PICKUP down a horse trail lined with branches sticking out all over, your a moron. punching your steering wheel out of anger till it breaks? also a stupid thing to do. so is throwing a table at your fiance, and stabbing a trash can out of anger, and calling the person who literally takes care of you a w*ore and a unappreciative cow etc....also all stupid things to do.


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## OutOfTheLoop (Apr 1, 2012)

So he's a moron obviously, he can't manage his money, sounds like a total bum. So instead of talking about it, leave him. Your only setting yourself up for a life full of misery and failure by staying in this relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

its just so up and down. we're working on his anger issues, which is the whole of what gets him in trouble. Some days hes great, even uses the techniques we've been trying. but some days he just gives up and gives in. 

i can pick up the slack, while he figures himself out. i'm doing it gladly. and i ove him, and we communicate about all the impportant things as often as i can manage without a tantrum. I Love him. to death. hes my partner and he means the world to me. he has flaws, some of them make me giggle, some of them infuriate me, but as long as he wants to try to be a better person, i'm going to be by his side. he tries for me, so i wont give up on him.but i will not budge on my horses.


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## Kiara (Aug 27, 2008)

First off, you didn't divulge any of this information before, so you can't get upset with people for not knowing it. You received answers based on the information you gave. 

Secondly, if he does all those things you say and doesn't improve, why are you considering marriage? From your above posts it seems that tue finance situation is a manifestation of your underlying issues. Therefore, until you get the underlying issues sorted out, the finance situation won't improve. BOTH of you have to be committed to a harmonious marriage to make it work. If he is undermining you this much, he is not doing his part. Marriage doesn't solve any existing problems (not saying you think that, but in general there seems to be a notion that on e you're married people change and all prior issues are solved, which is so wrong!) so you want to ensure a happy relationship before going in. This is just my humble opiniom based on the information pro ided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BBBCrone (Jan 28, 2012)

Okay that explains things much better.

Your question was ... _How do I get the point across that I will do what i'm going to do regardless of his opinion, because I want to and I can?_

If this were ME .. and I am emphasizing *me* because this is what I would do in this situation. Your answer for yourself may be different.

Since you obviously take on the largest portion of the bills, I would be looking for another place to live. By myself. You can obviously afford the load so I'd probably take my living space down a notch to save some money there and then move on. That's basically how I would answer your question. If you can't move for whatever reason, then I'd be asking him to move. Well no, more like demanding him to move.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

If he is driving & texting, wrecking his truck & punching things...he has a lot of issues. You might want to re-think putting your life on this track. Sometimes it's best to get out when you can & not look back.


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## wetrain17 (May 25, 2011)

Every one deserves to be happy and treated with respect. That's all Im saying in this situation; just keep that in mind when dealing with him.


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## Kiara (Aug 27, 2008)

First off, you didn't divulge any of this information before, so you can't get upset with people for not knowing it. You received answers based on the information you gave. 

Secondly, if he does all those things you say and doesn't improve, why are you considering marriage? From your above posts it seems that the finance situation is a manifestation of your underlying issues. Therefore, until you get the underlying issues sorted out, the finance situation won't improve. BOTH of you have to be committed to a harmonious marriage to make it work. If he is undermining you this much, he is not doing his part. Marriage doesn't solve any existing problems (not saying you think that, but in general there seems to be a notion that on e you're married people change and all prior issues are solved, which is so wrong!) so you want to ensure a happy relationship before going in. This is just my humble opiniom based on the information provided.

*edited for spelling. Posting from phone...

Also, saw you posted while I was typing. You love him, alright. Personally, some of the things you mentioned are absolute deal breakers for me. Anger issues or not. That's just me though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

I strongly disagree with "dont talk to him". You NEED to talk to him. Sit down and discus finances.

Different things work for different couples. Maybe splitting costs down the middle, the extra you make is yours to do as you wish?

BEWARE marrying someone poor with money that is not willing to hand over the reins. If I remember correctly, debt is the number one cause of fights between marraige mates.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

I just feel like if he's honestly tying (and some days he is) then i shouldnt give up. we're still only engaged for a very good reason. and i thank you all for your support and advice. its a very sticky situation, and he really doesn't make it easy. i think i know what i'm going to do though.

i will tell him very simply that i plan on moving forward with my plans for training and equipment improvement, and do just that. i wont divulge details, but i will share what i can comfortably. when he sees whats gone on, he can either take it or leave it. and then i'll know where he stands. period.


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

> cause his calling me a *****, and not allowing me at the barn by myself, and lying about his other women, and constantly putting me down, and beating my animals, and stealing money from our rent, and ignoring my birthday, and our anniversary, and our bills, that shows respect for me? telling me i should kill myself, and that the rape was my fault, and that i deserved to get beaten in my teens is all respect for me right?





> and i'm sorry, but if your going to take a FULL SIZE PICKUP down a horse trail lined with branches sticking out all over, your a moron. punching your steering wheel out of anger till it breaks? also a stupid thing to do. so is throwing a table at your fiance, and stabbing a trash can out of anger, and calling the person who literally takes care of you a w*ore and a unappreciative cow etc....also all stupid things to do.


I'm sorry, but run, don't walk. 

I have many people in my family who(for many reasons, some stemming from abuse) have married people with huge issues. Sometimes they do improve. Mostly they dont. One couple is in their 80's. He still treats her like crap, she still alows herself to be stepped on. They are both miserable. Another couple in my family spent 30 years getting to a place where they are at peace with each other. he still drags them into debt, but at least they are at peace with each other.


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## Muppetgirl (Sep 16, 2012)

Three words:

DODGE THIS BULLET.....


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> so, not knowing anything about our relationship other than about money you've decided that i disrespect him? cause his calling me a *****, and not allowing me at the barn by myself, and lying about his other women, and constantly putting me down, and beating my animals, and stealing money from our rent, and ignoring my birthday, and our anniversary, and our bills, that shows respect for me? telling me i should kill myself, and that the rape was my fault, and that i deserved to get beaten in my teens is all respect for me right?
> 
> I ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE REGARDING MONEY AND MY HORSE< NOT ON MY MARRIAGE AND IF WE RESPECT EACHOTHER.
> 
> you have absolutely no idea ho offensive you just were, or how much therapy and counseling I PERSONALLY HAVE GONE THROUGH to try to make this work, that hes refused to join me for. this thread was out of no longer wanting to be controlled in ONE ASPECT of my life. you dont know my relationship.


Well..now we know more.

I take back everything I said. There is no man worth all this. So, either we're missing the good things that make you stay or there aren't any.

Given the information I have, I think you need to free yourself from this guy. No matter what you've been through you do not deserve any of that.

If nothing else why would you want to stay with someone who abuses your animals?
He is abusing you. How does an abuser "try" to stop? You stop or you don't.

You are killing yourself by staying with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## riccil0ve (Mar 28, 2009)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> so, not knowing anything about our relationship other than about money you've decided that i disrespect him? cause his calling me a *****, and not allowing me at the barn by myself, and lying about his other women, and constantly putting me down, and beating my animals, and stealing money from our rent, and ignoring my birthday, and our anniversary, and our bills, that shows respect for me? telling me i should kill myself, and that the rape was my fault, and that i deserved to get beaten in my teens is all respect for me right?
> 
> I ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE REGARDING MONEY AND MY HORSE< NOT ON MY MARRIAGE AND IF WE RESPECT EACHOTHER.
> 
> you have absolutely no idea ho offensive you just were, or how much therapy and counseling I PERSONALLY HAVE GONE THROUGH to try to make this work, that hes refused to join me for. this thread was out of no longer wanting to be controlled in ONE ASPECT of my life. you dont know my relationship.


Has he actually done all the things you bring up in the first paragraph? If so, WHY are you even CONSIDERING marrying this man? Words from the wise. PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitten_Val (Apr 25, 2007)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> so, not knowing anything about our relationship other than about money you've decided that i disrespect him?


I'm sorry, but if you respect/love him and is serious about the relations you would NOT bring up issues and personal details like that to the forum. I may be old-fashioned, but it's just plain wrong IMHO to trash/gossip about your "loved one" with bunch of strangers. If you are as unhappy about him as you sound - break the relations and find someone who'd suit you better.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

he does have good points. he has been my backbone through some things that would have driven me off a cliff. hes come with me through my depression, coming out of self harming, coming out of addiction, he defends me and praises me outwardly, to others. when times are rough, he steps up to bat, and when he remembers to appreciate things, you'd swear i walked on water. Its only when he gives in, and jumps off the positive train into his circling pit of *****d off that he loses it. and once its gone, so is he, of in a place painted red, and until hes done fighting, you kinda just have to let him go. he wrestles with an anger issue, an dyes it gets taken out on me, and it hurts and its not good for our relationship. but its not good for him for me to give up too. i still believe in him wanting to be better.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

i would agree with you, and wouldnt have divulged so much if i hadnt felt a little bashed. a few posts may have been a knee jerk reaction, but, the advice i'm getting is helpful so i dont regret it....


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## MelissaAnn (Aug 26, 2011)

*do not marry this man.*


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

So it sounds like he didn't appreciate the hard work you put in to have your room/board paid for at your other place. 

Sounds like you felt like you were paying for more things than he was at your other place. 

Sounds like the agreement you two decided upon (split everything down the middle) is not happening. 

Sounds like you do not respect him ("moron") nor does he respect you ("b!tc#"). 

Sounds like he does not trust you (possibly cheating on you??? (other women) and limits when you can go to the barn). 

And you are NOT communicating when you hide everything horse you do from him. 

What you don't understand is that any and ALL issues about money DO relate to you marriage, and that's why we are all commenting on these other issues. They all ball together when you get hitched. You can't separate one piece out. 

That's wonderful you are already seeking counseling (because I was going to suggest it) but he needs to seek counseling as well. And if he refuses like you say ...... well, that just adds one more red flag to all the ones I mentioned above. 

I'm not saying it can't work. I'm not saying you don't love him or he doesn't love you. But it really sounds like you are not 100% happy in this relationship. I only know what you've told us on this forum. But it really doesn't sound good. If you were a friend of mine in a scenario like this, I would be telling you to get out of it. 

IMO.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

thats the general consensus... men are most definitely more difficult than horses.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> he does have good points. he has been my backbone through some things that would have driven me off a cliff. hes come with me through my depression, coming out of self harming, coming out of addiction, he defends me and praises me outwardly, to others. when times are rough, he steps up to bat, and when he remembers to appreciate things, you'd swear i walked on water. Its only when he gives in, and jumps off the positive train into his circling pit of *****d off that he loses it. and once its gone, so is he, of in a place painted red, and until hes done fighting, you kinda just have to let him go. he wrestles with an anger issue, an dyes it gets taken out on me, and it hurts and its not good for our relationship. but its not good for him for me to give up too. i still believe in him wanting to be better.


It sounds like he helps build the cliff for you.

It's how abusers retain control of the situation. It's "not their fault" they are a "victim", it "won't happen again". They're "working on it". It's the emotional rollercoaster that keeps you lashed in because there's some ups which give you hope and help you ride out the big downs.

Read your posts and think about what you would tell your little sister if she told you all that about her BF.

You have posted a ton of red flags. It's known that animal abuse is a stepping stone to people abuse. I seriously can't grasp why him beating your animals is acceptable to you. Regardless of everything else. You don't have any boundaries with him and that's dangerous.

And with that, I'm done. I've said my piece. Agree or disagree as you will but I could not just quietly slink away and not do what I could to give warning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

i really do appreciate the advice, its just very difficult.


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## Kiara (Aug 27, 2008)

Completely agree with Dancing Arabian. 
"But he has his good days!" Is an expression of an abusive relationship. Treating you nicely some days DOES NOT give him the right to treat you horribly. You are defending his violence and excusing it, thus giving him permission to continue on treating you and your animals this way. YOU need to put a stop to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kiara (Aug 27, 2008)

It's difficult and you will feel guilty for "giving up" for a while, but then you realize how much better off you are. You will feel free.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## riccil0ve (Mar 28, 2009)

Try to think of your relationship like your bank account. If he does something good, put a reasonable monetary value on it and put it in the "bank." If he does something bad, put a reasonable monetary value on it and take it out of the bank. You should have a LOT of "money" in this bank, and it should continually grow. If you are consistently going back and forth between some money and being overdrawn, you need to get out. Leaving now will be way easier than it will be when you're married, sharing finances, and have children. And I know from experience that it gets old being the only one trying to make it work. Don't EVER bend over backwards for someone who isn't always willing to do the same for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

Analisa, this is a tough one to give advice on because we all deal with things differently and what we are & aren't okay with vary greatly. With the additional info you've shared, my thoughts are more towards the whole rather than just the horse issue. I will admit, I expect a lot in my relationship but also give a lot - my hubby & I lived together for 5 years before we got married because we both wanted to be absolutely certain we could make a forever go of it. 13 years later, I've no doubt we made the right call. Had he came into with the same kind of baggage you're describing (the anger issues especially) I would have left at the onset. 

It sounds like your relationship is very unbalanced on the give/take scale at this point and that would make me extremely hesitant to continue it. The debt/financial issues would terrify me. My hubby had some debt when we met but that was one of my stipulations before we got married, he had to get it dealt with so we started our life together with a clean slate. He busted his butt and got it done. I wouldn't have accepted less. We have several joint accounts (house/bills/farm expenses/savings/cds/etc) but we each also have our own "slush fund" for our hobbies - mine buys my horse stuff, his buys hunting stuff for his dog/guns/etc. It works out great that way and neither of us question the other on what we spend from the hobby accounts because it's earmarked for us to blow on whatever we want.

To be very honest, I think you need to sit down and ask yourself some tough questions. Is he willing to change? How long are you willing to wait for that to happen? Is he going towards the same goals and future that you want for yourself?


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

MHF, these are things i've spoken with him about actually, but i believe he just tells me what i want to hear. yes, he says he wants to be a better person, for us for him etc. no, i will not wait for years and years, but i am ready to move on and up, and if he can figure himself out by the time that happens, hes welcome to be by my side for it. we want the same things, a property, a barn and garage, a family. 

But like i said, just what i want to hear.


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

> so, not knowing anything about our relationship other than about money you've decided that I disrespect him? Cause his calling me a *****, and not allowing me at the barn by myself, and lying about his other women, and constantly putting me down, and beating my animals, and stealing money from our rent, and ignoring my birthday, and our anniversary, and our bills, that shows respect for me? Telling me I should kill myself, and that the rape was my fault, and that I deserved to get beaten in my teens is all respect for me right?


Please re-read what you just wrote. No girl deserves this... find a man who wants to treat you right, everyday. NOT when he "feels" like it. Find a man who enjoys that you feel so strongly and have a passion for horses. Who may even enjoy them with you and want to come ridding. Find a man who has flowers waiting for you when you come home from work on your birthday. Who already has plans on your anniversary to surprise you. A man who has a nice steady job and can support you instead of stealing your money. And by no means should your animals ever get beaten by this man.

If you were to write a list of the good and bad with this man, what one would out way itself? Im leaning towards the bad... Now write a list about things you want in a man.. and don't settle for anything less because there are good guys out there. I made my friend do this exact thing sure enough she has a new boyfriend with all this things she wrote down on her list and more...Its possible.


It sounds like horses are an escape for you, well it sounds like you cant even enjoy that because he wont let you go down to the barn by your self. But he is the one cheating? You should not need to be in therapy because of him 
(sorry if I am assuming that) Please do yourself a favor and leave him. You can support yourself, he cant..I promise there are better guys out there and do not let this man treat you like this, do not settle.


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

ooopppps


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

it all kinda makes me feel sick to my stomach. mostly cause i know you guys are right. alex and i have been best friends since the 7th grade, its very hard to let go.


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

Listen to your gut, just think about this for a while.. I think you will thank us in the end.. I really do hope everything turns out for you


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

Gosh girl...I'm sitting here in a HUGE PILE OF "Man I understand where this girl is, because at 20 or so I WAS her....WHAT WOULD HAVE MADE ME LEAVE IF I WAS WITH HER FIANCE?"...
It sounds like we've been through similar things in life. I suppose the difference is that I wanted to be SURE I DIDN'T bring those childhood things I was FORCED TO ENDURE (abuse/assault/depression/anxieties...) WILLFULLY INTO MY ADULT LIFE.

Bottom line is that NO MAN is worth even one of the "bad day" things he does that you mentioned happening even ONE TIME. NO MAN, NO WOMAN, NOBODY!!! As Muppet Girl (I believe) said..."Run...don't walk..." and do it NOW.

I have no sage words of wisdom at the moment. Perhaps later. For now...love YOURSELF THE WAY HE SHOULD LOVE YOU. Love yourself enough to give yourself the life YOU...ANYONE...DESERVE(S) RIGHT NOW, RIGHT THIS MINUTE!

And after you leave; stay IN THERAPY. WORK ON WHY YOU FEEL IT'S SO NECESSARY TO "SAVE HIM" when right now the only one who needs saving is YOU. Work THROUGH YOUR abuse issues from the past...your depression/anxiety issues which will NOT IMPROVE BUT WILL WORSEN with age if you do not concentrate on you and help you be WHOLE. You deserve this! I cannot imagine a person who HATES ME TELLING ME TO "KILL MYSELF"! This man LOVES YOU? No honey. He doesn't. He may believe he does in his own skewed way/through his f'd up idea of what love is...but love is NONE OF what you have said EITHER OF YOU do to/feel for one another.

But it's OKAY! You hold the cards on your life, not him, not your parents, not your past abuser....YOU! 

Just know that you get ONE LIFE. It is VERY SHORT --AND, even if it was 300 years long, tis too short for this drama.

(I PROMISE I'm NOT being unkind. I really "get it"...but it's gotta stop). You can change EVERYTHING. You hold the cards...Hugs to you!! Anytime you want to pm me, I'm happy to talk...you've got a whole thread here of people who've never even MET YOU YET CARE ENOUGH TO WRITE ALL THE BEST ADVICE IN THE WORLD TO YOU! I think we ALL CARE!. Stick with THAT kind of caring....dump the rest in the trash where it belongs!


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## Hunter65 (Aug 19, 2009)

Well said Back2Horseback. Was there myself once and I didn't realize it until the night he hit me. That was the night I took my 6 month old daughter and left.
Get OUT and get out NOW! 
Trust me you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders and you will stop feeling sick. There are too many good people out there to live like you are.


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## DraftGuy (Dec 10, 2012)

franknbeans said:


> This marriage is doomed, IMO. You obviously have NO respect for him (ie calling him a moron...), and do not yet realize that when married you are seen as one. You finance houses together (which his debt may well sabotage), and are supposed to be a TEAM. You are supposed to put him before yourself, and he is supposed to put you before himself. Period. The whole "its all about me" crap does not work in a marriage. Makes for a great single life. You need to respect each other and work together. Period. I am voting for a really long engagement.


......this


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## FutureRN (Aug 8, 2012)

OP, if what you said in that post about beating animals, saying rape was your fault, etc. then you need to get out NOW! Why are you still with him? This horse situation is the least of your problems!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> it all kinda makes me feel sick to my stomach. mostly cause i know you guys are right. alex and i have been best friends since the 7th grade, its very hard to let go.


Nope, not easy at all. :hug: This person has been a part of your life for many, many years. But you need to take care of YOU and do what's in the best interest for YOU.

About 4 years ago I had a co-worker who was in an abusive relationship. I was at this job temporarily (it was a summer job) and she and her boy thing had planned a wedding, and then called it off the week before because of some issues. They still went on their honeymoon together, as it was paid for. 

I was at that job for just over 3 months. During that time, she'd come to work with bruises. Usually on her arms, or neck, once in a while on her face. It would ALWAYS be followed with flowers at work. He would call at least once a day, asking for her. He would stop by physically about once a week. He would call the cops on HER, trying to get her into trouble for things. And it went on, and on, and on. And I was only there for 3 months!!!

This girl was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. Just a heart of gold. But she kept allowing him to stomp on her, and claim he'd change, etc etc. They had money issues too. Mostly him. 

Finally, on my last day of work, she had left him the night before. She called the cops to have an escort to get her things, and she finally left him. All of us at work had been telling her for months to get rid of this loser, because she deserved better. And she finally listened to us. 

I feel like this is the same type of situation with you. He keeps feeding you lies ("I can change") to string you along and keep you hoping. 

*You deserve better.*


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## NBEventer (Sep 15, 2012)

I have so many things I want to say on this thread. However I am not sharing this kind of information publicly. To the OP I will pm you later. I just want you to know one thing, you are not alone. 

I have walked down a similar path as you a few times. 

To everyone else. I know our first reaction is to jump and tell the person how awful this man is and how she needs to leave. But I can promise you, hearing it does nothing but make her second guess herself and feel guilt because she makes her man sound worse then he is(in her mind) and that maybe its all her or maybe she is over reacting. The amount of thoughts that run through her head as she reads all your replies just makes her head swim if she is anything like me.

But to the OP. These people are saying these things because we have heard the story time and time again from so many people and we have seen so many people get hurt in situations like this. There are many of us that have been you. We have been on the receiving end of threads such as this.

Step back and look from the outside in. Don't look at it from your own view. Look at it as an outside person. Don't make excuses for him or for yourself. Don't make yourself worse then you are. You are not nearly as bad as you beleive you are and you never in any way shape or form owe this man anything.


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## Blaise (Dec 3, 2012)

My Mom has always said that if the bad times out weighs the good times it is not worth it. I wish you the best of luck.


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## Silent one (Aug 22, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> How do i get the point across that i will do what i'm gonna do regardless of his opinion, because i want to and i can?


Hmmm, you could do it like I did it. Get right up in his face, look him in the eye, and say it just like you said it here, LOL! And then tell him what I told mine, "Every time you open your mouth to b***h at me, I'm buying another horse!

_(of course, we are now divorced............hahahaha!)_


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## Stan (Aug 25, 2011)

I have never read such bias and at times venomous responce to a problem and after reading have ended up confused as to the problem. So here is a little info for you to digest. More men are assaulted by women than men that assault women. Men get the short end of the stick in that issue that is because men on the whole do not run to the police and lay the charge of assault against there partners/wife. I am not talking garbage, i work in the area that deals with the results of assaults or the percieved assault.
I am not saying stick it out that would be foolish to remain in danger but STEP back. Put aside all of the advice and go back to the beginning.

What is the problem, money spent on a horse and tack his dept and treatment of you.
List all of the problems and be honest with yourself because you contribute to the issues as well.

So now you have listed all of the issues you can for both parties try and work out a solution for each issues you have. Take out the emotion and you will arrive at the logicial conclusion and mak an informed decission.

Have you thought he may also want to join you in horse ownership.

Good luck with sorting this one and relationships never run smooth the road is full of pot holes, its how we deal with the speed bumps that defines us. Some sit down and work it out, some run.


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

Stan said:


> I have never read such bias and at times venomous responce to a problem and after reading have ended up confused as to the problem. So here is a little info for you to digest. More men are assaulted by women than men that assault women. Men get the short end of the stick in that issue that is because men on the whole do not run to the police and lay the charge of assault against there partners/wife. I am not talking garbage, i work in the area that deals with the results of assaults or the percieved assault.
> 
> *I agree...this is absolutely true and I have seen it both professionally and have also read many of both the law enforcement/marriage and family statistics. In her case, it seems, based only on what she has written, they are both at high risk.*
> 
> ...


 I and even she, I think, can see that their issues are much larger than finances and horses. As well, I'm a proponent of staying and working it out when the base is solid and there is mutual respect and love. Without this, IMO, leaving isn't "running", its self, and likely mutual, preservation. My final $0.02... :wink:


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

just to throw it out there....especially for your stan.... he has NEVER hit me. or threatened to. and i do not now, nor have i ever claimed that he does. in all the years we've known each other, he has (physically) protected me, and kept me secure. i do not feel physically threatened by him, ever.


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## peppersgirl (Aug 24, 2012)

I feel for you. Having gone though 9 years of some similar crap with my first husband (he never would have harmed any of our animals though- not sure how you deal with that),its is a hard thing to get out of.. especially when they give you those stupid little glimpses of hope.. It truelly is how they keep you sucked in.. 

It isnt healthy though.. And the likely hood of this man reeeaaaallly changing his ways is not favorable. If and when you decide to get out of this relationship, I garantee it will be the most liberating feeling in the world.. there is nothing like finally realizing you are better off without a person who treats you this way..AND that you ARE capable of living a happy life with out that person.. AND finding someone who treats you well is just the icing on the cake..

I have to disagree with whoever said separate finances are a red flag though..
Do to bad previous marriages with crummy financial situations (both of us) My husband and I decided to keep our finances separate (aside from the obvious combined bills like the mortgage and car payment). Its a comfort thing and it doesnt mean we love each other any less or distrust each other. We have just worked out a system in which we have designated bills that we each take care of. He takes care of his credit card debt, while I take care of mine. We both try to save (but not lately thanks to christmas!), and whats left over we are allowed to splurge on ourselves with out getting crap from one another because our money is separate.. We do keep everything transparent though And if either of us feels like we are doing more than our fair share WE talk about it. Communication is the biggest thing!

As far as having a family with this dude..please don't. I may get slammed for this, but having had the pleasure of being born to parents that hated each other (my dad was pretty abusive)..ITS NOT FUN, and while My mother finally jumped ship when I was two, I have memories of the abuse...If you think kids will help a marriage..you would be wrong. If you think even your young children wont remember the nastyness that occured..YOU WOULD BE WRONG. And if you stay in a relationship like that because you have kids, you are effectively teaching your kids that is is ok to abuse and or be abused...


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## Stan (Aug 25, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> just to throw it out there....especially for your stan.... he has NEVER hit me. or threatened to. and i do not now, nor have i ever claimed that he does. in all the years we've known each other, he has (physically) protected me, and kept me secure. i do not feel physically threatened by him, ever.


Theres a start and my assumption towards violence was from reading others responce to your problem. I still go with steping back and sorting it then make the decision. Good to see you protecting him.

I believe you mentioned three jobs to support your horse perhaps that has a bearing, one job less, a little less horse gear, and quality time together.:shock:


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

no, its not three jobs to support my horse. I train horses as one occupation, i instruct others on my horse (and thiers) as another, and i work at my family auto business (he works here too, same hours, we're with eachother all day) 51 hrs a week. hes with me when i feed and train (we take his truck, im not allowed alone.) I stopped taking trail rides cause he accused me of meeting people at the parks. i was not, have not and did not. Its not an issue of time spent, but of the attitude towards my every word, action, interest etc. i want to ride, and train, ad be relaxed, and not worry about kvetching over what i'm spending of MY money. I understand that a ot of women cry wolf, and make it to be worse than it is or play the blame game. 

i understand his anger issue, i love him. when hes being respectable, i respect him. however, certain things are still mine to enjoy, without his anger controlling my life, such as horses. 

as far as assuming i spend all my money on tack and horsey ****, hay is expensive. so is gas. i have two saddles. a synthetic that cost me $100 2 yrs ago and a beval my parents bought me when i was sixteen for states. I'm 22. i have nylon bridles, which i bought second hand $3 each. i do my horses feet, i do her shots, and she gets the cheap coggins. I happen to be spending all my money on paying 3/4 of our rent, our electric, groceries, and savings. the savings is what pays for my horse, cause its mine. 

The problem lies in his complaining about my horses cost, while paying very little of our MUTUAL bills. he makes more than me, at the same job, with fewer bills. and yet, he never has any money. so i need to inform him, without a war, that i will be using my money as i see fit. 

that was, until this whole discussion and my recent breakdown, and now i'm just trying to figure out if its worth it.


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## gypsygirl (Oct 15, 2009)

i havent read this whole thread, but i would run away from him fast if he accused you of meeting people at the park so you dont go trail riding any more. that is a huge red flag, combined with that fact that you seem afraid to talk to him. 

sorry if my post upsets you, but i have been with a very controlling (and lazy not wanting to pay for anything) guy before and the best thing to do is get away from them. they dont change.


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## poppy1356 (Jan 18, 2012)

Yes as Gypsy said, they don't change. The more you try to change someone the more they will rebel. 

I've dated more a**holes than I care to remember. I would try to stick it out and change them, I was young then and had a lot to learn. But once my mind was made up that I wasn't sure it would work, I left, no looking back. 

I moved to another town an hour away from my family and when moving the guy kept calling me names so within a week I was now living by myself in a new town. I've never found it that hard to leave once they give me a reason. But you have to decide what those reasons are.

You have to put you first in these situations.


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## Annanoel (Mar 29, 2011)

_Analisa_ - As many others have said I would leave! I know where your at, my situation might not have been as bad, but a four year relationship still. It was the "fantasy" relationship I'd been dreaming of. I WAS in love and it was great, but he slowly got mean, angry and controlling. He wasn't the man I fell in love with but I was convinced he would change and that never happened. He started getting on me about my horses, the money spent, the time I spent at the barn...That turned into heated arguments asking if I was seeing anyone else, and just kept escalating. He cheated once, I stayed. Hit me once and broke my nose, accident for the most part but still during a fight, I stayed. Finally I broke it off, hardest thing I've EVER done. I still love him and it still hurts. 

Just been three months now, but you know what the more I let go the better I feel! We had talked about marriage and all that stuff, but it's done. I've actually met someone else and it's crazy to think how s***** I was treated. The BO son no less, we're both in our twenties, but it's the little things that count. I get a goodmorning text, little things here and there and it's just different. He's also horsey.  There is hope out there! We aren't dating yet and I'm still grieving, it's almost like someone has died or at least comparable too. I'm moving on though! It gets easier everyday, packing up things and taking things down. 

You know what though? I learned to stand on my own two feet, I know I can do this now and can attempt anything. It's given me strength and I've got people standing by me on here, and all fronts. I can't begin to explain to you how hard it was, you're about where I was at. You see it but can't leave! You WILL feel like you won't survive, your heart most likely WILL break, but this goes in time and WILL get better. With what I've been through and everyone is telling you, RUN and RUN fast, I will NEVER leave or find myself in a situation like this again.


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## riccil0ve (Mar 28, 2009)

I just want to say that just because he hasn't abused you physically yet doesn't mean he won't. He is showing ABUSIVE tendencies, and one day when you decide you're going to the barn alone no matter what he says, it WILL get physical. Most cases of domestic violence do not go immediately from everything is fine to beating. The physical abuse comes when the abuser is losing control of the situation. Right now, he is in control. When he doesn't feel in control, it will escalate. I am most positive of this, so don't cling to this "he's never hit me" notion as a guarantee it'll never happen. I never thought my dad would hit me either, but one day I stood up to him and he didn't just hit me once. Take it from those of us who have been there. No matter how much you love him, YOU COME FIRST and you need to GET OUT while you still can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annanoel (Mar 29, 2011)

riccil0ve said:


> I just want to say that just because he hasn't abused you physically yet doesn't mean he won't. He is showing ABUSIVE tendencies, and one day when you decide you're going to the barn alone no matter what he says, it WILL get physical. Most cases of domestic violence do not go immediately from everything is fine to beating. The physical abuse comes when the abuser is losing control of the situation. Right now, he is in control. When he doesn't feel in control, it will escalate. I am most positive of this, so don't cling to this "he's never hit me" notion as a guarantee it'll never happen. I never thought my dad would hit me either, but one day I stood up to him and he didn't just hit me once. Take it from those of us who have been there. No matter how much you love him, YOU COME FIRST and you need to GET OUT while you still can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm backing out of this thread. I guess the only thing I and others can keep saying is LEAVE. You've got great advice from everyone here, only YOU can make the final decision. Good luck and goodbye.


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## NBEventer (Sep 15, 2012)

There was a huge story about a woman in Winnipeg Manitoba. Her husband was controlling and emotionally abusive but never physically. He never showed any signs at all of being physically abusive. Christmas eve he shot his wife then went into the wood shed and shot himself. Christmas morning the kids woke up to their Mother dead on the living room floor. 

Something to think about. People were shocked because he was never physical and never in any way shape or form showed signs that he would be physical. But like your fiance he was controlling about money, who she could talk to, where she could go etc...

This story needs to be remembered. Just because a man doesn't act like he could be physical, doesn't mean he wont be.

My ex husband was emotionally abusive, controlling. I wasn't even allowed to ride in my lessons without him at the barn. He made me leave me trainer because he was male. I kept convicing myself that it was all in my head, maybe I was doing something to make him like this. I didn't want to leave because when things were good they were amazing and I couldn't imagine any other man in my life. Then he threw me down a flight of stairs because I was talking to my cousin on the phone. He picked up the phone and heard a mans voice and in his mind this confirmed I was cheating on him. Though I never had and never wanted to. 

Someone told me about the story of the woman whos husband shot her and that clicked in my mind that I would more then likely be her if I stuck around much longer.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

This is the same guy, the jockey who was out of work for an injury, with a kid? I had a feeling things weren't going to go well on this one, but couldn't put my finger on it. 

Grab what little self esteem and self worth you have left and get out before he hurts you bad. It's always your fault. Your fault he doesn't like what you cooked (You could be an Escoffier chef, wouldn't matter.), if you were a better cook he'd like it. It's your fault he nags about the house, if you weren't such a pig he'd quit nagging. You're sneaking around on him OF COURSE YOU ARE, it's his sickness and need for control that are the problem, not your behaviour. So far he's gotten you to quit seeing friends and trail riding, next will be seeing friends at the barn and then you'll get cut off totally from any family or other friends and then when it's just you and him and you think you'll have some peace.......He'll beat the Hell out of you when no one is around to see the marks. And that will be your fault too, because if you hadn't...........(fill in the blank) he wouldn't have had to beat you.

Physical abuse shows marks and hurts physically, and can kill you too don't forget that, but mental abuse leaves invisible scars and mental pain and is MUCH harder to get past than the physical abuse. Mental abuse can kill you too, only you're more likely to kill yourself because of it. 

I don't care who you are, wouldn't care if you were male or female, you are worth more than this. Get out and don't look back. 

Newsflash, it's not love, it's addiction.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

so, heres a question then.

is it a good idea to communicate with him what i feel like i have to do? and how can i do that in a way that wont equal an explosion? Should i tell him what i need from him, and give some requirements and a deadline for if he wants to keep at this and try? and if its not better by deadline, tell him to pick up and go? i'm already in the process of getting out apartment switched into just my name. it would go both ways though, he would have an opportunity (provided he can communicate without being a raging lunatic) to tell me how he feels and what he needs. and if its reasonable, is there any chance for common ground? i dont give up. but it feels like i have to. everything feels like a last ditch effort anymore.


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## poppy1356 (Jan 18, 2012)

Honestly he should never have presented this behaviour so giving a deadline wont work it will only prolong the inevitable.

And if you are worried about what he might do, have someone there with you, preferably someone who could stop him from harming anyone.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

i was thinking of asking my dad, but hes also alexs boss, and anything he does could also lose him his job... i didnt think until just now how working together complicates this even further.


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## Stan (Aug 25, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> no, its not three jobs to support my horse. I train horses as one occupation, i instruct others on my horse (and thiers) as another, and i work at my family auto business (he works here too, same hours, we're with eachother all day) 51 hrs a week. hes with me when i feed and train (we take his truck, im not allowed alone.) I stopped taking trail rides cause he accused me of meeting people at the parks. i was not, have not and did not. Its not an issue of time spent, but of the attitude towards my every word, action, interest etc. i want to ride, and train, ad be relaxed, and not worry about kvetching over what i'm spending of MY money. I understand that a ot of women cry wolf, and make it to be worse than it is or play the blame game.
> 
> i understand his anger issue, i love him. when hes being respectable, i respect him. however, certain things are still mine to enjoy, without his anger controlling my life, such as horses.
> 
> ...


I have not advercated sticking around at all cost and previously said to protect youself in the matter of violence but of all the posts the common comment remains and that is to leave. You may be spending to much time together if working 50 hours in the family business then again maybe not as one never knows what life is going to throw at us and one could find them self looking after a sick partner for many many years.

Go back to the beginning of the relationship and what was he like. Did he demonstrate the controlling behaviour or has it developed over years if so why. Most that abuse show it fairly early in the relationship. Likened to an alcoholic they stay clean long enough to get a prospect partner emotionally hooked then their true nature starts to show but by then ones emotions get the better of you and the non drinker becomes as sick as the one drinking. Its called enabling. I walked away from that one.

Only you can determin if you want to carry on, no one else can do it for you. I may sound if I have gone to bat for your partner I have not. I only advicate stepping back and take your emotions out of the situation and look deep and then decide.
If you fear for your safety, walk away. Go to a nutural place and work through your thoughts and feelings.

Now for more information
Along with more men being assaulted by females, than men assaulting females. Those are stats from 5 countries. In New Zealand the stats for deaths of children in the home were released and surprise surprise. Women killed more children than men. It seems its only really news worthy if its men and the finger can be pointed.
And on the final note you should move to NZ you will get paid the same hourly rate for the same job as the male counter part. 

I do agree with others if in danger get out. Don't give up your passion for horses, you will regret it. Been there as well. 
On saying what I have, and if I was in your position I would change employment. Gain some distance
I would stop listening to my friends, friends though well meaning can not make the decision for you but can encourage you to make a decision you may regret. Step back, take out the emotion and look at the situation. Write down the issues you face and then answer them with no help from others. You will make the right decisions.

Good luck.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Read this and see how much fits your relationship: 



Cycle of Violence




Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry
Abuse may begin
There is a breakdown of communication
Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'


Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims


Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Physical abuse may not be taking place
Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
Victim may hope that the abuse is over
Abuser may give gifts to victim



The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship. The total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. 

It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships fit the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the 'making-up' and 'calm' stages disappear. 


Adapted from the original concept of: Walker, Lenore. The Battered Woman. New York: Harper and Row, 1979.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

In 1979, psychologist Lenore Walker found that many violent relationships follow a common pattern or cycle. The entire cycle may happen in one day or it may take weeks or months. It is different for every relationship and not all relationships follow the cycle—many report a constant stage of siege with little relief.

This cycle has three parts:

Tension building phase—Tension builds over common domestic issues like money, children or jobs. Verbal abuse begins. The victim tries to control the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in or avoiding the abuse. None of these will stop the violence. Eventually, the tension reaches a boiling point and physical abuse begins.

Acute battering episode—When the tension peaks, the physical violence begins. It is usually triggered by the presence of an external event or by the abuser’s emotional state—but not by the victim’s behavior. This means the start of the battering episode is unpredictable and beyond the victim’s control. However, some experts believe that in some cases victims may unconsciously provoke the abuse so they can release the tension, and move on to the honeymoon phase.

The honeymoon phase—First, the abuser is ashamed of his behavior. He expresses remorse, tries to minimize the abuse and might even blame it on the partner. He may then exhibit loving, kind behavior followed by apologies, generosity and helpfulness. He will genuinely attempt to convince the partner that the abuse will not happen again. This loving and contrite behavior strengthens the bond between the partners and will probably convince the victim, once again, that leaving the relationship is not necessary.

This cycle continues over and over, and may help explain why victims stay in abusive relationships. The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

i know you guys are trying to be helpfull. its very hard not to just sit here and turn into a blubbering crybaby ball of stupid. this isnt my first abusive relationship. the other one was purely physical, not mental/emotional like alex. 
he did things to me, and alex does not. and i guess thats why this didnt seem as bad really. but in the long term, this has effected me much more than the physical abuse. i feel broken, and constantly on edge, and my horse knows it. she bites him, and shes never been a biter.

it is a cycle. sometimes the "honeymoon" phase is longer than the bad stages. but its still constantly like walking on eggshells. i was raised to be very careful with how you come across, dont confuse people. use the body language and tone appropriate for the scenario. it scares me when he goes from 0-100 in .5 seconds and i have no idea why. it hasnt ever been physical towards me, but if the physical aspect includes objects (walls, mattresses, doors, etc.) then yes, theres violence. also, displacement. if hes angry about work, it ends up that everything i do is wrong too. 

i just want to be back on track with my training, and my therapy, and my career and i want to feel better.

thank you guys, really, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, all of you, for your advice and opinions. my eyes are open. i dont know if i'm strong enough yet to make the decision i need to, but it feels like theres about to be a train wreck, and i think i may win out. it just hurts. a lot. worse than internal bleeding.


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## Stan (Aug 25, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> i know you guys are trying to be helpfull. its very hard not to just sit here and turn into a blubbering crybaby ball of stupid. this isnt my first abusive relationship. the other one was purely physical, not mental/emotional like alex.
> he did things to me, and alex does not. and i guess thats why this didnt seem as bad really. but in the long term, this has effected me much more than the physical abuse. i feel broken, and constantly on edge, and my horse knows it. she bites him, and shes never been a biter.
> 
> it is a cycle. sometimes the "honeymoon" phase is longer than the bad stages. but its still constantly like walking on eggshells. i was raised to be very careful with how you come across, dont confuse people. use the body language and tone appropriate for the scenario. it scares me when he goes from 0-100 in .5 seconds and i have no idea why. it hasnt ever been physical towards me, but if the physical aspect includes objects (walls, mattresses, doors, etc.) then yes, theres violence. also, displacement. if hes angry about work, it ends up that everything i do is wrong too.
> ...


Your perception is from insight because you are living the issues. Taking out anger on inert objects could be viewed as intimidation designed to envoke fear it can also be his call for help. If he is unable to deal with work issues. I believe you both work for your parents business, maybe he has a problem he may not be able to take it up with his employer and he can't talk to you about it because you are family, he is not. Can you see a problem.

Not making an excuse but I seem to be the only male in this discussion so its approached from a totaly different view. The cycle of abuse is two edged it also is the same for females that abuse males and then we are the trapped ones. But back to you.

I say again step outside the relationship, go stay at a friends A married friend so you get a ballanced opinion if you are looking for opinions. Arrange a riding weekend and go on it (Girls only) my wife frequently goes riding with her girlie friends. Husbands not invited, but we pay the bill.(how do they manage that) and there is always males on the ride and thats not the geldings i'm talking about. Now why is that I'm not invited, but there are males on the ride, and sometims it is three days away. I'll follow them next time:lol: See how innocent actions become suspicious. Its a frame of mind bourn from bad past experience. My point there are so many reasons people act the way they do to sort it again the emotion has to be taken out of the equation.

Here is my sugestion, if your mother/sister or any other female in your family ride horses arrange a riding weekend or longer. Go with them and clear your head. Riding with a family member disempowers him, and may lay to rest his fears, for he knows something is coming between you two.

You could always drop your horse/s off at a friends and just take a break.

Cheers and good luck.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

yes, you can give him as many excuses as you want, but he still treats me like crap. sure, he has reasons hes got an anger problem doesnt make treating me like this right. i understand your seeing it from his point of view stan, but i feel your generalizing. 

i do not degrade him for enjoying an unfeeling, inanimate object that costs four times a yr as much as my one horse. nor do i make faces when he spends the 150 he was going to put towards rent into a new subwoofer for said inanimate object. i do not hit things when im angry with him. i do not yell and scream or bash him. i walk out. i am on meds for anxiety, i cannot handle extreme conflict without danger of a breakdown. i understand his anger, i understand his past ad why hes angery. he was adopted, his parents suck, he pretty much raised himself. he was my backbone growing up, i know that was hard. hes been through a lot. but there is still no reason to be so hateful.


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## Northernstar (Jul 23, 2011)

Your descriptions are alarming and validate abuse. The red flags are waving. Gather all your family around you, pack every belonging, (of course including your horse!) don't leave anything behind you'll need to retrieve later, and *run in the opposite direction as fast as you can, and never look back!!! *God bless, and _Godspeed._


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## RiverBelle (Dec 11, 2012)

Sounds to me you may need a new boyfriend.

I don't want to sound mean or anything, but If he can't accept your love for horses and if he wont help you achieve your goals when it comes to said horses then he may not be the one for you. Couples need to have their separate hobbies, but they need to help and encourage each other in those hobbies.

If this seems too harsh, just ignore me. Really not trying to be mean. I hope you have good luck!!


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## twp (Aug 19, 2012)

Remind him you weren't asking for his permission, you were mierly letting him know, so that he was on the same page.


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## twp (Aug 19, 2012)

RiverBelle said:


> Sounds to me you may need a new boyfriend.
> 
> I don't want to sound mean or anything, but If he can't accept your love for horses and if he wont help you achieve your goals when it comes to said horses then he may not be the one for you. Couples need to have their separate hobbies, but they need to help and encourage each other in those hobbies.
> 
> If this seems too harsh, just ignore me. Really not trying to be mean. I hope you have good luck!!


I agree 100%.. I dated a guy that "Didn't want me around Horses ever again" So, I Left him.. Couldn't be more happy!!


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> i dont know if i'm strong enough yet to make the decision i need to, but it feels like theres about to be a train wreck, and i think i may win out. it just hurts. a lot. worse than internal bleeding.


We're not here to judge you or to make you feel bad for the situation you're in. You're very typical of abused women, they tend to go from one bad situation to another because they don't feel very good about themselves. I encourage you to get out and get away as soon as you can, but also understand that it generally takes 8 tries before an abused woman can actually get all the way out and not look back. Most of the time that works out ok, you'll just have more bruises (emotional, mental and/or physical) but you'll be alright. For some it turns deadly before they get to the point where they can leave and they never make it out. With that in mind, and having dealt with many domestic violence cases in my career, I strongly urge you to do as others have said. Get your family together to support you, pack your stuff, ALL OF IT, and go. Or, failing that, JUST GO. Stuff is just stuff and can be replaced if necessary, your life cannot. 

If you have a shelter or domestic violence program in your area, I encourage you to work their program, they are usually very effective at helping you break the cycle for yourself.


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## Stan (Aug 25, 2011)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> yes, you can give him as many excuses as you want, but he still treats me like crap. sure, he has reasons hes got an anger problem doesnt make treating me like this right. i understand your seeing it from his point of view stan, but i feel your generalizing.
> 
> i do not degrade him for enjoying an unfeeling, inanimate object that costs four times a yr as much as my one horse. nor do i make faces when he spends the 150 he was going to put towards rent into a new subwoofer for said inanimate object. i do not hit things when im angry with him. i do not yell and scream or bash him. i walk out. i am on meds for anxiety, i cannot handle extreme conflict without danger of a breakdown. i understand his anger, i understand his past ad why hes angery. he was adopted, his parents suck, he pretty much raised himself. he was my backbone growing up, i know that was hard. hes been through a lot. but there is still no reason to be so hateful.


I understand how you feel and I am not giving excuses or generalising. If you had to deal with the human crap on a daily basis I do you may understand how I try to find some way out of a situation.

I mentioned you get time away and mentioned only the use of family as being a way to eleviat his fears because it also does the same for you. His levels go down so do yours.

A means for you to achieve what ever it is you want to achieve, with the least amount of stress placed upon you,! from him. 

Please read again what I have written, you will find I do not offer excuses only possible reasons for elimination or acceptance. You are in an unpleasent situation and I do not envy you.

His life when young has a bearing on how he is, but don't make the mistake of allowing it to be the excuse for his bad behaviour. Most of us had some bad experience when young, and some of us had horrific childhood years when looked back my own was not one of a silver spoon in my mouth but rather draged up. But, if allowed to wallow, that is where some chose to stay because it becomes a security blanket, and others, they drag themselves up by the boot straps. And some need to be told in no uncerten terms the behavour has to stop, and sadly, some will never change and thats where I come in, dealing with them after the crime has been comitted and they have been released back into society. 

Your own frustration/anger is showing in your words and very understandable. Step back, have a break and clear your head. Now is a good time to start.


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## StarfireSparrow (Jan 19, 2009)

My horses started being a point of contention with my now ex-fiance's family first. Then they played it as a way that I was "driving a wedge between him and them." When it all came to light, I found out that he was playing the game right along with them. I was seriously emotionally abused in that relationship. I am so glad that I am out of it now, but I have a LOT of healing to do that my horses are helping me with as much as any of my human companions.

I am going to HEARTILY Disagree with everyone who has said "you need a new boyfriend." Right now, coming off your second abusive relationship in a row (if I am reading the posts right) you need to take a hiatus from men. If you have the finances to pay 3/4 of the bills with someone, you have the finances to find a smaller place and spend time alone. 

I did the "well, he's not hitting me" thing with the guy I just left. But mental and emotional abuse leaves marks on your heart and your soul. Instead of bruising your body, it bruises who you are. It is hard to walk away from someone like that because they are manipulators. They make you think you need them. You may even be truly in love with them, but it will eat you alive.

I'm sorry if I got a little off track there, but what I mean is that you have support. The people here have actually been AMAZING in helping me to see how much better off I am. If you don't find it too intrusive, you can PM if you want to talk since it sounds like we have some things in common.


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> i know you guys are trying to be helpfull. its very hard not to just sit here and turn into a blubbering crybaby ball of stupid. this isnt my first abusive relationship. the other one was purely physical, not mental/emotional like alex.
> he did things to me, and alex does not. and i guess thats why this didnt seem as bad really. but in the long term, this has effected me much more than the physical abuse. i feel broken, and constantly on edge, and my horse knows it. she bites him, and shes never been a biter.
> 
> it is a cycle. sometimes the "honeymoon" phase is longer than the bad stages. but its still constantly like walking on eggshells. i was raised to be very careful with how you come across, dont confuse people. use the body language and tone appropriate for the scenario. it scares me when he goes from 0-100 in .5 seconds and i have no idea why. it hasnt ever been physical towards me, but if the physical aspect includes objects (walls, mattresses, doors, etc.) then yes, theres violence. also, displacement. if hes angry about work, it ends up that everything i do is wrong too.
> ...


This post obviously took a lot of insight, strength, and openness to write. I'm betting on you 100% coming out of this and (eventually, with a fair bit of time and healing effort) you will be whole.

You're a very smart young woman. You clearly do have open eyes and because you know how much will be involved in "splitting up", especially given your shared work and home environments, you are very understandably trepidatious.

Thankfully you are not presently in a situation where you are fearful for your physical safety (so it sounds--though always be alert for warning signs of a change there OK?), therefore you can take some time and properly prepare to leave or to ask him to leave, if that is what you have decided is best. I honestly hope you have, but this is your life and thus only you can make the right choice for you.

Anyhow, I realize I had signed out of this thread a while back, but I am "clinging", just to check in and make sure you sound okay and such...basically with this post, the main part I wanted for you to get was the first paragraph. I totally believe in you and genuinely wish you the absolute best with this and all in your future! 

You stay safe and sane, okay?? There is a very bright light shining at the end of this tunnel, & you've almost made it through!!:wink:

B2H


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

So many go through these issues-it's just heart-breaking. You are getting some excellent advice & you have good insight also. It's too bad you live & work with him-that's a lot of togetherness, & most relationships do better with some space in them. That way you each have something to talk about when you do see each other. But, only you can do the hard work of deciding your future, & since you're young-you still have lots of opportunities.If you cut things off withthis guy,please take a break from dating/guys. Become a best frieind to yourself & spend time w/your critters also. They have healing powers for your soul.I pray that you have the strength to move forward to a happy life.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I guess I'm repeating just what others have said here - there is something deeper to this than you spending your own money on your horses
I know it wasnt your question so apologise for my response - but are you certain this is the right man for you?
My husband rides and is very involved with our horses but if he could make do with baler twine and plastic trash bags I'm sure he would - I always had the feeling that my husband planned routes to avoid tack stores but then they invented internet shopping....................
The secret to a successful relationship is 'Happy lady = Happy home
Sorry guys but I think most of you already have that one figured!!!


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## WSArabians (Apr 14, 2008)

OutOfTheLoop said:


> Am I the only one who caught that he helps pay the bills, paid for her horse and is now in debt? Was he in debt when he was paying for your horse? But he still payed for it? I'm going to have to side with him on this one. If yall are getting married and joining finances, then you are inadvertently taking on his debt. He helped you, now you should help him. Maybe you shouldn't buy that shiny new saddle or what not until you get the debt under control, together, because that is what marriage is, together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was going to reply but I found it already here.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

i'm already helping him pay his debt. this month, i payed all of our rent. and our electric. and guess what? i'll be paying for his groceries this week too. he doesnt help me with the bills. hasn't since our first month here.

oh and while he was paying for my horse i was working a 24/7, live in caretaker job that payed for his food, rent, and transportation. he had meals prepared when he got home, his laundry done for him, a clean 2 br house, and didnt have to pay for any of it. he didnt have to pay anything except my board and his insurance. 500 a month in bills compared to my 3000 a month bills, at that time. he was not in debt over my horse, ever at any time. paying for my horse was not "help" it was an exchange for what i was doing for him. which was everything. 

hes in debt because he broke his truck throwing a temper tantrum, and crashed it into a tree (seperate incidents) and because he cant be responsible for his own driving tickets. i cannot even begin to tell you how much i've spent fixing things he breaks in his rage. how much i've spent sitting in couples counseling ALONE. 

my problem is i dont argue. i dont get mad. i walk away. i cant handle conflict. i discuss my issues. i'm on medicine to make sure i'm capable of handling the simplest parts of my day, mush less his tantrums. i dont want any more anxiety attacks, so i let him be angry, and i shut down. 

he cant control himself, i cant get mad enough to make a difference. he walks all over me, and i let him. he controls where i go, who i talk to, what i do, what i say. 

theres no togetherness in our relationship. the last time, was when i begged him to go on a date that I PAID FOR. and even then, i think he faked it. 

please read all the facts first.


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## WSArabians (Apr 14, 2008)

Honestly, it sounds like this relationship is in it's death throes and should just be let go before any furthur damage is done to either of you...


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## Dusty1228 (Dec 2, 2010)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> i'm already helping him pay his debt. this month, i payed all of our rent. and our electric. and guess what? i'll be paying for his groceries this week too. he doesnt help me with the bills. hasn't since our first month here.
> 
> oh and while he was paying for my horse i was working a 24/7, live in caretaker job that payed for his food, rent, and transportation. he had meals prepared when he got home, his laundry done for him, a clean 2 br house, and didnt have to pay for any of it. he didnt have to pay anything except my board and his insurance. 500 a month in bills compared to my 3000 a month bills, at that time. he was not in debt over my horse, ever at any time. paying for my horse was not "help" it was an exchange for what i was doing for him. which was everything.
> 
> ...


Aside from everything else, this post makes me want to say one thing. Just go. If he is walking all over you like THAT & instead of being understanding about the ways you have to deal with conflict, is using it against you by being controlling, that's just a disaster. In my opinion.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

it is a disaster. a complete and total nuclear disaster


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## Stan (Aug 25, 2011)

jaydee said:


> I guess I'm repeating just what others have said here - there is something deeper to this than you spending your own money on your horses
> I know it wasnt your question so apologise for my response - but are you certain this is the right man for you?
> My husband rides and is very involved with our horses but if he could make do with baler twine and plastic trash bags I'm sure he would - I always had the feeling that my husband planned routes to avoid tack stores but then they invented internet shopping....................
> The secret to a successful relationship is 'Happy lady = Happy home
> Sorry guys but I think most of you already have that one figured!!!


My wife mannipulates me as do they all, and in most part we men know we are being guided or at times the ring in our nose is tugged on. :lol: I frequently reffer to my wife as she who must be obeyed, in a nice way. Happy wife happy home never a true word spoken. Now as for him setting a route that avoids tack shops. I to have discovered internet shopping, Is it not Great. I have though, aquired a new horse Bugs, Had him for two weeks now and told my wife last night I have brought him, she thought I had him to just try out, silly person. But she knew I had decided to move Stella on.

To the young lady with the problem we all do things and have to answer for later. I now have to prove my new horse Bugs is far better for me than Stella and I also have to sell Stella quickly and at a profit and most likely share the profit with my wife, and smile while I do it. So as others have said and I repeat my two pennys worth. Step back take out the emotion and make a decision, until you do this situation is just going to go in ever decreasing circles untill it crashes.
Time to look after you emotionally before the crash. good luck.

off to the wrinklies thread, the over 40s.


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## KountryPrincess (Oct 23, 2012)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> just to throw it out there....especially for your stan.... he has NEVER hit me. or threatened to. and i do not now, nor have i ever claimed that he does. in all the years we've known each other, he has (physically) protected me, and kept me secure. i do not feel physically threatened by him, ever.


Trust me whe I say this (hey....also I found your original thread and have been reading it ) .....emotional control and abuse can be far more damaging than physical abuse. Especially in the long run.

In my own disfunctional relationship, my guy would lay down his life to keep me physically safe. But the things he said to me, and the emotional manipulation and destruction of my psyche. In the end, I would have been better off with a black eye. 

Also, a black eye is more definative.......yeah, someone hits you, get out. Pretty black and white right? Emotional abuse is not as clear. You think to yourself, "Gee maybe he's right. He just has my best interest at heart right?" You can lose your mind pondering emotional control and abuse.


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## peppersgirl (Aug 24, 2012)

It took me several years to be ready to finally say..I have had enough..

My husband was the same way in the fact that he secluded me from friends and family, and every time I would attempt to go out and have a girlie day it would be a fight..with him accusing me of cheating..everytime. He would evendegrade me in front of strangers in the grocery store for wanting to by myself something "not nessesary"

Hell the man even started a rumor around town that my best friend and I were carrying on a lesbian relationship ( we did turn that into a joke, which BTW he wasnt to thrilled about lol)...I finally got to the point with it that this man was making me do things to deliberatly **** him off just for fun- which really isnt the person I wanted to be.. I am better than that.. and that was not how I wanted to live my life..always having a fight just to go to the grocery store by myself or have a job. He was always either bitching that I didnt bring in enough money or that I worked to many hours. I am still getting used to not being so restricted- my husband now gives me full rein, but I do sometimes find myself wondering if I will get a fight for some stupid mundane thing- and it has been almost 3 years since I made the leap..

I dont give a rats patouty what kind of childhood this kid has had growing up..it does NOT give him the right to treat you that way. I dont care if you were cheated on in the past, it does not give a person the right to treat their current SO like they may cheat an any given moment (that is a GREAT way to build resentment, frustration and failure into a relationship)..If someone is giving you that much axiety on whether or not they are cheating on you than its probably time to move on. My Now husband's ex wife cheated on him several times even with his best friend while he was deployed! He has not once ever shown any kind of jealousy or acted like he was suspicious of what I am doing..He chose not to let her ruin him, and I commend him for that. 

we all are given a hand of playing cards in life, some get great hands, some mediocre and some just plain bad...Life is what you flipping make of it, and you can choose to be angry over your crummy cards or you can embrace them, and learn from them...grow as a person. Sailing easy through life IMO doesnt teach you much, its the bumps in the road you learn from..

Anyway I am off my soap box.. Hope you figure things out...FYI though, although he may never hurt you physically sometimes these people will do crap to your animals to hurt you (which he seems to have already done).. so BEFORE you do anything with him, I would be getting your animals situated and out of harms way in case he retaliates..


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

^ This.


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## FrostedLilly (Nov 4, 2012)

I actually came over here from your other post about your significant other insisting he come with you to the barn now. 

I don't know how much advice I can offer, but I can definitely share some experiences that seem similar. I know what it's like to struggle with anxiety and depression. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship once and I had contemplated for the better part of a year that he perhaps wasn't right for me, but it literally took me that much time to build up the confidence that this wouldn't also send me into a crazy spiral. There's always a ton of uncertainty, especially in love and relationships and having to deal with anxiety, etc. adds just that much more. One thing I remember thinking though, after being publicly humiliated by him yet again, was how terrible would my life be without this person? Would it be tough? Definitely. Unbearable, unlivable? Probably not. My honest thought is you have already, deep down, made up your mind about this person and have come on here for reassurance that you are justified or thinking of making the right decision; whatever that decision might be, I wish you the best. 

One other thing that I would suggest is important is to also make sure you have a strong network of friends/family outside of this person. This kind of thing sucks no matter what, but it sucks less when you have others to help you along.

Again, it's hard to offer really definitive advice on an online forum, but I wish you the best.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

Thank you guys. i really cant express how much i appreciate all of your support. 

i did something for myself this weekend i told him i was going out, and i did it. i went out to a country western bar for the first time since i turned 21  it was awesome. 

i still dont know when i'll be strong enough to do what i have to, but i'll be alright i think in the end, when its over. i'm pretty sure anyway.. lol


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## DimSum (Mar 28, 2012)

AnalisaParalyzer said:


> *i still dont know when i'll be strong enough to do what i have to, but i'll be alright i think in the end, when its over. i'm pretty sure anyway.*. lol


I haven't posted here because everyone else has been giving you good advice, but...
I do believe you are strong enough to leave this situation, and I know you will be alright in the end. Just look at the things you've overcome in this life to date...sending cyberhugs your way.


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