# Anxiety and loss of confidence after losing a foal



## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

Maren came into this world and was immediately met with love. Was loved before she was even born and just didn't know it. You gave Freya a fighting chance to be a mamma and have her baby in a safe and comfortable home. You did everything you possibly could have and you did it right. In the grand scheme of things even having _just two_ days of glorious life and freedom on this Earth is a miracle. What are the statistics of being born at all out of all the probabilities?

There will still be times where we do everything right and it goes horribly wrong. That's been my life the last two years. We've all been there some point or other. If you're questioning if you can do better, then you're already doing better than most. I have a wonderful mare that could have had (have?) a great career. Nothing exceptional, but a serious working horse with a job. Instead she gets to carry this potato around. She doesn't care that she's not at a high-end yard without running hot water or a sandy arena or amazing hacking. But nothing beats knowing that she'll be looked after with her best interests at heart. I have the same doubts too. Someone once said to me "she's wasted on you" and I sigh and wonder if its true. When I get caught up in traffic and get to the yard three hours later than intended after work I get out my car mentally preparing because I know that if something went wrong, I'd feel responsible. What if I give their morning hay before work and one of them chokes? My horses live out 24/7 with plenty grazing - this'd be unacceptable otherwise. But you see, context matters. In the context of your life and that of your horses, have you put every measure you reasonably can to make sure they and their environment is safe? When in doubt, I make checklists, so I don't forget. Simple things, stick fingers in their ears once a week, smell their breath (not hard with the kissing right?!). Listen to gut sounds just to know what's normal. Looking thoroughly at each eye and making sure I run my hands down their legs and wipe their muddy feet off for a proper inspection. It helps with the anxiety to have something to fall back on.

If you're concerned and its affordable get a vet out and just have them checked out for the hell of it. I have ADD as well by the way. Am 33. I know alllll about it and the effort involved to not just _feel _competent, but be competent. Not sure about you, but I'd be the most well prepared patient to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's, between all my reminders and checklists. And I much prefer making a well-intentioned mistake, than the wilful abuse and ignorance I see too often for my liking. You're doing OK, promise.


----------



## caroleeeeen (11 mo ago)

Kalraii said:


> Maren came into this world and was immediately met with love. Was loved before she was even born and just didn't know it. You gave Freya a fighting chance to be a mamma and have her baby in a safe and comfortable home. You did everything you possibly could have and you did it right. In the grand scheme of things even having _just two_ days of glorious life and freedom on this Earth is a miracle. What are the statistics of being born at all out of all the probabilities?
> 
> There will still be times where we do everything right and it goes horribly wrong. That's been my life the last two years. We've all been there some point or other. If you're questioning if you can do better, then you're already doing better than most. I have a wonderful mare that could have had (have?) a great career. Nothing exceptional, but a serious working horse with a job. Instead she gets to carry this potato around. She doesn't care that she's not at a high-end yard without running hot water or a sandy arena or amazing hacking. But nothing beats knowing that she'll be looked after with her best interests at heart. I have the same doubts too. Someone once said to me "she's wasted on you" and I sigh and wonder if its true. When I get caught up in traffic and get to the yard three hours later than intended after work I get out my car mentally preparing because I know that if something went wrong, I'd feel responsible. What if I give their morning hay before work and one of them chokes? My horses live out 24/7 with plenty grazing - this'd be unacceptable otherwise. But you see, context matters. In the context of your life and that of your horses, have you put every measure you reasonably can to make sure they and their environment is safe? When in doubt, I make checklists, so I don't forget. Simple things, stick fingers in their ears once a week, smell their breath (not hard with the kissing right?!). Listen to gut sounds just to know what's normal. Looking thoroughly at each eye and making sure I run my hands down their legs and wipe their muddy feet off for a proper inspection. It helps with the anxiety to have something to fall back on.
> 
> If you're concerned and its affordable get a vet out and just have them checked out for the hell of it. I have ADD as well by the way. Am 33. I know alllll about it and the effort involved to not just _feel _competent, but be competent. Not sure about you, but I'd be the most well prepared patient to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's, between all my reminders and checklists. And I much prefer making a well-intentioned mistake, than the wilful abuse and ignorance I see too often for my liking. You're doing OK, promise.


Thank you for being so kind. Sometimes, I think I just need to be reminded that I’m doing okay and that the things I’m afraid of are things I’m doing all I can to prevent. I actually have had the vet out and have been told everything is fine, but I sometimes struggle to believe it because I still don’t feel competent. I like your idea to make checklists - my brain works better when I have everything written down, so I think that would probably help me a lot. Thank you so much for taking the time to write - I hope you and your mare are doing wonderful ❤


----------



## APHAGal (13 d ago)

Maren passed away loved and valued by her mare mom and owner. That is the best story a horse could have.


----------



## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I'm sorry that you lost this beautiful filly, but as others have said, she was loved, and you tried so hard. Sometimes stuff just... happens. I wish I had answers for you, and I'm sure others will have more advice, but I just want you to know that we all second-guess ourselves. Horses have a way of making us humble. Hang in there. Things will get better.


----------



## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

I am so sorry to hear about Maren. And also commend you for seeking out grief counseling, because this is true grief.

I do understand how you are feeling. I lost a mare a little over a year ago to a spinal/neurological issue. I won’t go into all the details, but will just say that what started out as “not quite right” and requiring a vet visit one morning, ended up with my poor mare being euthanized that same night around 11pm. It was shocking, painful, and devastating.

Even more than a year later, my heart still drops when I see one of my other horses looking off or doing something out of character. I suppose I just know that they all still rely on me to keep them fed and happy, so I don’t let myself get consumed by worrying about all the “what ifs” that can and will go wrong with horses. But I completely understand the moments of self-doubt and even guilt. It’s hard to lose an animal your care about, and maybe even harder when it’s unexpected.


----------



## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

Owning horses is part luck and part heartbreak. You can do everything right and have something go terribly wrong at pretty much anytime. This is something you have to get used to or accept if you are going to have animals. It doesn't matter if we are talking about cats or horses or kids for that matter. 

I find it difficult to bond with new horses because I'm never quite sure if the relationship will last. Is this the right horse for me? Sometimes it's obvious - yes I love this horse. Sometimes it's less obvious. It takes time to build a relationship. 

Until my mare had her own foal I didn't realize how much you could love someone you've never met. Then you see the baby and think about how perfect he is. That kind of loss takes time to process.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

caroleeeeen said:


> Has anyone been through anything similar? How can I go about getting my confidence back? Does it just take time?


I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely little foal, Maren. I don't think there's a horse person alive who hasn't had to live through something like this at some point. It never gets easier and it shouldn't. Every life is sacred and should be cherished. I haven't had a mare slip a foal in many years, but it happens. It's an unfortunate side of horse ownership. You/we are not worthy of all the grace these wonderful animals show us. Every single one of us experiences and expresses our grief in our own way. I immerse myself in my horse chores and in riding, the more difficult the test, the better. Grooming also soothes me. You will find what soothes you, when you do double down and stick with it until you feel better. 










How to get your confidence back? Just go hang out with the horses. I find the more time I spend with the horses, the more I want to spend with them. The more decisions you have to make, the easier it will be. Just do it. 

And yes, it does take time. We call it Tincture of Time. You'll have to apply it liberally and then go out and give it a chance to work.


----------



## pasomountain (Dec 19, 2018)

We've all loved and lost and feel the same pain--it hurts. Maybe more so when it's a little one who never gets a chance to enjoy life. But really there's never a good time to lose one you love. We just thank God we got to love them at all.

A few weeks ago our barn owner lost her gelding to a bad colic. He was fine for years until that night--vet said it could've been a fatty tumor blocking the gut. His body was still in the arena the next night when I was out there so I was able to say goodbye while his owner cried. It was hard to say the least. Even though he wasn't mine I had helped care for him a long time and he was part of the gang. 

Last March I lost my cat to congestive heart failure--there's no cure. She had been a gift as a kitten from my late boyfriend so that hit me real hard. I cried like a baby over her I'm not ashamed to say.

The list of losses goes on but the point is we just do the best we can. It does take time to heal but you'll always have precious memories of your little one. And maybe Maren will show up in your dreams--I still have dreams about my bf even though he passed over six years ago!


----------

