# Teens & Responsibility



## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

For some people and at some times, it is an enormous struggle to keep track of what they have left undone, and where their stuff is. Really. My own daughter for example, who is now nearly 30, has told me that she was "barely awake" throughout her childhood. She was brilliant, kind, gifted -- but she could NOT put anything away, or take care of any living thing even a cactus. She forgot everything. She gradually pulled out of it in high school. Graduated with top honors from a prestigious private college, finished grad school with a professional degree, and is well-employed. But she is still a huge slob and I have no idea how she pulls a professional look out of that mess she calls a closet every morning. 

Being a very organized, super-responsible type of person (possibly not unlike yourself), it was extremely hard for me to accept, much less understand. But she really did turn out fine! Better than fine. 

I will just say that trying to make someone feel bad is very ineffective at getting them to change their behavior. If anyone is going to temporarily lose track of the way to behave, it will probably be right about the age of your daughter. I know very few people who remember being a young adolescent with fondness. It is more often one of the worst times you'll ever live through. And it is compounded by feeling unsupported or misunderstood. Few kids that age are able to articulate what is going on with them very well, they have trouble just understanding it themselves.

I would try to find things about her that you truly appreciate and tell her about them. Even very small ones. That means a lot to kids. Be extra patient and extra forgiving. And just remind her to double check those gates.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

There are some things to let slide on occasion, but when it comes to safety like closing gates, that's something I would come down pretty hard on a teen about. Even a small child can be taught to close gates after opening them. Is your daughter just distracted? Is she on her phone and doesn't remember where she puts things or what is around her? Maybe she needs a basic call-only flip phone when she is at the barn for safety (or no phone at all if there are always others around) and a smartphone stays at home if this is the case. 

If she were my daughter, she would be working to earn the money to replace the lost halter and lead and anything else she needs or loses, and paying a hefty fine for every safety thing like forgetting to shut a gate or letting other animals out. If it continues to happen, are horses really something she cares about right now or not? Because if she can't act responsibly to keep them safe, maybe it's time to rethink that. If I had left a gate open at her age more than once, my horse would have been sold. An animal's life is at stake if she leaves a gate unlatched. It's not optional.


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## ApuetsoT (Aug 22, 2014)

I'm that person who loses things and forgets to do those automatic things. I've left gates open, hoses on, who knows how many times I've put something down and forgotten about it. I've come across items in places and swear someone else must have done it, but no, I'm the only one around. So when your daughter says she thought she closed the gate, it could be that she really did. I've had time where I thought I did something, but I was actually remembering myself doing it a previous time. 



As far as not immediately putting the donkeys away, I'd call that a maturity thing and would expect that to develop.


Lectures also didn't work on me. If something happened, like leaving a hose running, just tell me it's running, we can fix it, and move on. I don't need to hear you go on about how I forgot to do something and why it's bad. I already know why, I just forgot! It's not like I'm going around like "nah, I'm not going to close the gate this time" or "I think this obscure corner is the perfect place to leave this thing. I'll never find it here".



Instead of lecturing, come up with solutions. Set timers on phones/watches, come up with stupid rhymes to recite when checking things, have her sling the halter over her shoulders like a purse anytime it's not on a horse, add an extra obvious step to closing the gates like a big snap that breaks up the monotony of close-open-close.


Does she show any other signs of executive dysfuction? She could have an undiagnosed Executive Functioning Disorder. Girls are almost never diagnosed in childhood unless it's really bad. It can be anything from emotional control, to time management, to memory, or decision making.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I agree that there should be "natural consequences" for leaving gates open and losing equipment. Especially the gates.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I don’t think this sort of thing is restricted to teens.........


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Unfortunately, it seems to me that children of today are growing intomadults to fast, they are taught in schools, to pass examinations rather than actually learning life. 

Common sense should now be rare sense. 

A lot of this is from answering questions rather than taking the chance to retaliate from answering all those very early yearsnwhen a child asks "Why?" to everything said. Making them, without the use of the Internet, solve the problem with logic. 

Personally I would make her either find or pay for her halter and rope. I would have made her get the donkeys back on her own. 

We all do silly things and forget to do things, the point being, we learn from our mistakes.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Siiiigh......I wish this kind of thing was restricted to teens. My husband is not allowed to use ANY of my tack because he lays stuff down and walks away and forgets about it. Perfect example, he laid my carrot stick on the fender of the trailer and drove off with it there, never even thought about it. Who knows where it fell off? That dang thing is now $42.60 plus $18.60 for the "Savvy String". I bought a brand new bridle & reins and Myler bit for his horse. He hung it on the trailer crank because he didn't want to walk around and put it in the tack room of the trailer. We stopped about 1/2 way home and I found what was left of it after driving down the Interstate 60 miles. He now has to buy his own halters, lead ropes, lunge whips, bridles, saddle pads, whatever. It hasn't made him any less forgetful about that kind of stuff but I no longer have to grit my teeth to pay for new, it's his problem. 

As for the gates, I don't know what to tell you. I know I would have blown it for sure the 2nd time the gate got left open and animals got out. I don't know if I'd sell off livestock because of it, but I'd have had a major wall eyed temper fit about it and she probably would have had some grounding time, or loss of some privileges or not be allowed to go out to the barn with me, something that would sting pretty bad. And if I caught hubby undercutting me with her by telling her all of his sins and how it's really not all that bad, HE'D get a serious CTJ about putting a united front up too. For one thing, TX is another fence in state and that means if they get out and cause a wreck, you're liable for the damage and injuries they cause. Not to mention the expense of vetting their injuries or putting down a horse or donkey that got hit by a car, ran through a barb wire fence, on and on and on. 

I don't lose it often but when I do it tends to be memorable and the gate thing would have made me lose it. Halters and leads, not so much but I would make her buy her own replacements and chores would be assigned so she could earn the money.

As for gathering up the donks, I don't think I'd do it on a school night, but on a weekend I might let her know she wasn't coming in until all those critters were put back up. I would have helped her, she probably isn't horse/donkey savvy enough to do it by herself (IMO very few 13-15 year olds would be). The SECOND they figure out that she doesn't know how to herd them they would immediately start playing "keep away" and running her around and she'd have had no hope at all of getting them back in. At least with 2 people one can push and the other can head off stragglers.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

For some it is a phase, for some it is a rebellion for some it is their innate self. Figure out which one and then you treat it accordingly. No matter which the donkeys being let loose needs to be addressed fiercely so an impression is made. What manner of fierce depends on the situation with your teen. 



I would think if this is something she does not do elsewhere then it is not a phase. Her mind may be elsewhere for whatever reason and you need to determine the why. If she has not done any of this and the thread travels throughout al aspects of her life up to this point then likely a phase. The rebellion you would know. 



Mine work to replace what they lose or destroy. Two learned the lesson well. Both understanding the lesson and accepting the consequence of their action. It has made a marked change in one, the other slips from time to time but he gets it and I usually find a note and the replacement value. The third is broken. I hate to use that word but I can't fix him. He needs more help than I can provide and a skill level I do not possess. That doesn't mean I don't try. That doesn't mean I don't support. But he does not respond to any form of consequence. It goes far beyond issues of entitlement and lack of respect. 



Your daughter seems to be a sweet, caring child from her postings here. Consequence and a period of adult supervision while you work together on her coming up with a solution I would think would go a long way..


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## Feathers7 (Jun 11, 2019)

The least productive thing you can do, is do the work for her. Whether it be finding her lost tack or putting the donkeys away...do it with her, or kindly ask her to find a way to do it herself (within reason and with good judgment.) Doing it with her fosters familial friendship - something I didn't have and wish I would have had more often. Also, don't immediately buy her new tack if she loses something. You can get clever and have her help you do something (or do chores), allowing her to earn 'credits' toward tack. That's the only way I ever learned to be more responsible and respect the value of my possessions. That doesn't mean the lesson can't be fun or has to be 'mean mom' time. Cheers!


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

@QtrBel yes she's a good kid, and generally once she understands that something is the right thing to do, she will do it. I think part of what really sent me off was that her first thought after seeing the donkeys loose wasn't, "I messed up, how do I fix it," but "It's strange, the donkeys are out."

She is pretty distractable. I imagine her as having butterflies in her brain. She's supposed to be doing something and then something distracts her and it's like all the butterflies sort of flutter around and she forgets what she was supposed to be doing.

@SilverMaple she doesn't need a phone to be distracted, and she doesn't use her phone much anyway. No social media for her, except for Horse Forum, and she has screen time limits.

@Avna yes I am a very disciplined, organized, and responsible person. Sure, I forget stuff too, or get distracted, but if I screw up more than once I analyze the situation until I figure out why, then I implement a plan to make it not happen again. I don't think she is ever going to be that person, and that's OK I guess. I just need to figure out what is reasonable to expect from her, I guess.
@Feathers7 Yes I do think I tend to just step in and fix it myself rather than let her fix it. To be completely honest with myself, I find her attempts at fixing things insufficient, and I know I can do it better, so sometimes I just do it myself. This is bad because (1) it sends her the message that she's incompetent and (2) it doesn't really let her understand the consequences of her actions. I'm going to really work on that.

I did tell her that she's going to pay for a new halter and she was OK with that. I sort of let it slide, hoping she would find it, and she doesn't need one most of the time anyways because you can just lead Moonshine with a rope around her neck.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I think each teen is different (and yes, this applies to adults too). Mine is 14, and is an exceptionally responsible teen. If anything, she could perhaps relax a little more, she's so type A. But she has forgotten to shut off the hose to the water trough. She's forgotten to pick up a piece of tack left in the riding ring. It happens. I've left the gates open. I'm not hard on her because she's hard enough on herself. That said, she also earns money in all kinds of creative ways, and will use it to buy things for the horses, so I know she understands the value of things. I think that helps with any teen. Does your daughter have a way of earning money? It doesn't have to be a lot, she can look for a used halter. Teach her the value of things, and how to be thrifty (they are way more careful with money if they earned it!). 

It does sound like she's not taking responsibility for her failings. I don't think lecturing her will work, but if she were my daughter, I'd tell her that she needs to own up to her mistakes, and that I'll be a lot less mad if she owns up to something, than if she doesn't accept responsibility for her mistakes. Otherwise, hang in there. Teenage hormones are all over the place, and they tend to be very different adults. I'd say your daughter is fairly typical of most kids her age.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

ACinATX said:


> @*Feathers7* Yes I do think I tend to just step in and fix it myself rather than let her fix it. To be completely honest with myself, I find her attempts at fixing things insufficient, and I know I can do it better, so sometimes I just do it myself. This is bad because (1) it sends her the message that she's incompetent and (2) it doesn't really let her understand the consequences of her actions. I'm going to really work on that.


Just read this. I have often made this mistake with my daughter because as responsible as she is, I'm a control freak. She got mad at me last summer when I asked her a question about whether her horse should be wearing a blanket for the night, and I didn't like the answer she gave me so I corrected her. She slammed the barn door and stomped into the house, yelling that if I didn't really want her opinion, I shouldn't ask for it. That made me think. So a little later, I came in her room and apologized. Then I told her that from now on, she'd be responsible for making decisions for her horse. Of course I would step in if it was something that might affect her horse's health in a significant way, but otherwise, she has her say. And she has taken it very seriously. She still delegates to me for some things, but it has improved her sense of responsibility and her bond with her horse to feel like she's in charge of him now. So as hard as it is, you may have to step back a little and give her more responsibility. Just be ready to double-check everything behind her, and ask her to come back and do it again if she forgot or did it wrong. It will be time-consuming for you at first, but in the long run, you'll save time because she'll become more reliable. I always tell my daughter to double-check latches - because I have to do it myself!


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## Feathers7 (Jun 11, 2019)

ACinATX said:


> @*Feathers7* [...] This is bad because (1) it sends her the message that she's incompetent and (2) it doesn't really let her understand the consequences of her actions. I'm going to really work on that.
> 
> I did tell her that she's going to pay for a new halter and she was OK with that. I sort of let it slide, hoping she would find it, and she doesn't need one most of the time anyways because you can just lead Moonshine with a rope around her neck.


Having her pay for the new halter is a good start - being only 13, does she have a way to pay for it, such as allowance? I used to be told "you're going to pay for it" a lot, but I didn't have an active and accessible source of money that I was trying to build. So that phrase became an empty promise...I didn't experience the act of using 'my money' to buy/replace something that I lost/broke. Not good. In my case, I think that parenting strategy somehow made my parents spiteful that they'd 'take care of my problems' even when I was willing to do it myself, if I could. It was a little strange. I still don't often get the benefit of the doubt, haha. =P

I do think it's weird that your daughter is using semantics - "it's weird, the donkeys are out" is not equal to "I accidentally left the gate open." You might want to talk with her about that and find out what's going on. =) I think there are lots of possibilities - you're the mom so you'd know best. Either she really is a space-cadet and forgetful, or she feels the need to not put the blame on herself and is developing a callous about doing so, or she's trying to avoid disappointing you because she's already hard on herself. Or it could be something else!

I don't think it's always about consequences of actions. That's a really commonly used phrase and I don't think it's always received well. Besides, once we're adults, much of the whole 'consequences of actions' is left to us. Life is full of mistakes, and we have to be willing to sigh and figure out how to deal with them. Only by making mistakes and dealing with them can we see the value in becoming more conscientious and building habits that help us avoid making mistakes. One of those habits is balancing a busy schedule - which mistakes are you more willing to make, and which are to be avoided at all cost? I think we'd all opt for leaving laundry in the wash and dealing with it later rather than being late to work. Eventually, it might come naturally to seek 'smart and efficient' methods to getting everything done, correctly, the first time, so that no time is wasted. That includes closing the gate, and then checking that it's closed! I think another good trick is putting her in charge of something she seems to forget to do. "Every night, I want you to go outside at 5pm and make sure the donkey gate is closed and your tack is put away. That is your duty." Eh? =)
@Acadianartist that's a brave post and that's really great of you, in my opinion! You've got a great mind.


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## horseylover1_1 (Feb 13, 2008)

Hmm, my husband gets on me about stuff like this ALL the time. I forget EVERYTHING. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger and now I am pretty sure I still have some severe form of attention deficit disorder. And honestly, saying something like "that's weird, the horses are out" is 100% something I would say. It probably stems from the fact if I openly admitted to forgetting something my husband would get mad at me and really get on my case, so I am always .. on the defensive about things.

Lists, reminders, etc. don't really help me. The only thing that sometimes helps is if there is a significant consequence to my lack of actions. And even then it doesn't always help. I racked up $300 in late fees on bills I forgot to pay...

One thing that has helped me with gates and stuff is having two different kinds of locks on it. It's harder to forget when there are two things keeping the gate shut. Personal property, well, I just lost my mane brush. I lost an Apple Watch, I lose stuff. 

I really need to see a professional who can tell me how to deal with things, because it's pretty severe. 

She is probably distracted. I have always had a loud mind. My imagination runs wild, and I will be thinking about anything except what I am doing when I am on autopilot.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

I don't think it is weird what she said and that her brain did not immediately jump to "I caused this problem. I need to fix it". My daughter (a couple of years younger than your daughter) would probably say something very similar. She is very intelligent but has a much lower processing speed than her other cognitive abilities. So for me, it is very reasonable for someone to not connect donkeys out with I left the gate open. My daughter would be truly thinking "oh that's strange" because her brain would take much longer than someone else to go from that information received to sort back through all her tasks and realize it was her that caused it. In similar situations, to help her think and connect more, I ask leading questions (if time is not an issue), "oh yes the donkeys are out, I wonder why, do you know what paddock they were in?". And she might need even more prompting, "do you know who was in that paddock last?". Then eventually we might get to "oooohh! It was me! I left the gate open!". I used to get annoyed at her about forgetting and losing so many things and taking forever to respond to requests/instructions, but after she had her cognitive assessment, I am quite accepting of it.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Leaving gates open, I have a confession! 

It was winter, the young horses and two mares were in the loose shed and other horses stabled. A third of the barn was storage, big bales of haylage, the feed bins, shavings and straw all stored there. 

There were two 4' gates into the loose barn, they were fastened with a T bolt. One night I never put the handle down so one of thenyoungsters managed to undo the gate. 

In the morning, about 5.30, I went down tomstart the day. It was a hunting day and I had four horses to get ready and two to rode out before going out with Hounds. 

I was confronted with six youngsters and two mares all outside the loose pen. That had had a party! 

Poop everywhere, all the grooming kits of the stables horses pulled out of their buckets, trodden on and pooped on. Sacks of carrots torn open and what wasn't eaten was trampled. Great chunks chewed out of the wrapped haulage bales, sacks of shavings strewn all over the place and empty feed sack torn up and spread all over the place. 

I was worried about colic as they had also opened a couple of feed bins. 

I herded them back into the loose are whereby they all just lay down. 

Never have I had such a mess to clear up. I got the Hunt horses ready and decided that I would exercise the others (now three as i wouldn't be going hunting) on the Sunday. 

Those horses stayed down nearly all day, there was a cacophony of moans, groans and belly rumbles coming from the loose area all day. They barely got up other than to drink and poop. 

Fortunately they all,were fine. No after effects at all.

That evening they never even expected a hard feed, usually they would stand in the corner near the feed bins waiting but they didn't even come anywhere near! 

I learned my lesson and more than once went back to the barn to check I had put the catch down! 

It took me all day to clean up with the help of two young girls. That taught me!

When I told my boss what had happened and he saw the mess he just laughed and said, "Bet you don't do that again! "


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

Talking to her about double checking behind herself might work. I do many things as I'm thinking about something else that coming up next. At my job, mistakes are not only an ooops but can easily very costly and life threatening. I always double check behind myself even if I'm sure that I did something. Now it's become such a habit that I don't have to think much about double checking, I just do it. Sometimes all it takes is a glance behind your shoulder.

I just got through reading a whole article about the development of the human brain during the teen years and it's not just hormones driving teens with some of their ridiculousness. I tried to find it again but can't. It was talking about how the brain matures. As the frontal lobe starts developing more neurotransmitters and how they are all connecting or not. Basically, The frontal lobes, home to key components of the neural circuitry underlying “executive functions” such as planning, working memory, and impulse control, are among the last areas of the brain to mature; they may not be fully developed until halfway through the third decade of life.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

LoriF said:


> Basically, The frontal lobes, home to key components of the neural circuitry underlying “executive functions” such as planning, working memory, and impulse control, are among the last areas of the brain to mature; they may not be fully developed until halfway through the third decade of life.


So our executive functions mature at around 35, and we start to lose them around 45... enjoy that sweet decade when you don't forget things! I'm 49, and I forget things all the time. I forgot that I agreed to do a media interview last week. I had to write to them to apologize for not showing up. Also forgot to meet a dear friend for coffee, and left her waiting for me, so another apology was sent... So yeah, I double-check gate and stall door latches every. single. time. I can't tell you how often I've been walking away from the barn at the last night check and walked back to turn the lights back on and double check the stall doors one more time.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

For every action there is going to be consequence. Good or bad. If the action (or lack of) continuously leads to bad then oyu as the parent have to determine the best course of action for your child. But taking the consequence on yourself doesn't teach your child anything accept that their behavior is acceptable or worse yet, they don't even realize there is an issue with their actions and they reach adulthood where the first time they fail to act or fail to perform to standard the consequence is much harsher.


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## horseylover1_1 (Feb 13, 2008)

LoriF said:


> they may not be fully developed until halfway through the third decade of life.


So there’s hope for me yet? :lol:


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

horseylover1_1 said:


> So there’s hope for me yet? :lol:



There certainly is, LOL. That still doesn't completely let you off the hook though. Making good decisions still takes practice.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

I know this isn't going to be a popular answer these days, but at that age, my mother and father would have made sure I didn't forget again.....

Proverbs 13:24, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.”


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

So, yes teenage brains are in general lacking in some ways, and are not fully mature. 

However, that doesn't give her a pass to be forgetful about gates. Closing gates is a safety issue. If those donkeys got into the road and caused a wreck, then what> Does she still get excused? Not likely. 

I had therapeutic foster children, and one of the key behavioral training involved using natural consequences. Allowing children to make mistakes, and correct their mistakes, is essential in raising responsible adults. 

She needs consequences, not lectures, when she makes mistakes. Going without a halter until she finds it or buys replacement would be a natural consequence. 

As for the gate, an example of natural consequences would be along the lines of telling her it was her responsibility to figure out a way to get the donkeys safely back in there pasture/pen. This is problem solving. She could ask you and her dad for assistance, or call a friend for help. Or do it herself somehow (shake a grain bucket?). 

Then she would need to come up with a plan of how to remember. This is not something you need to do. She needs to do it. 

What I would suggest, is you sit down with your teen and your husband, and explain to your daughter that from now on, she will be responsible for correcting her mistakes. She can ask you for help, but ultimately, the course of action must be her choice even if you do not agree with it. 

She has to learn responsibility now, or she will be depending on you to always fix things. 


It is important to let her make mistakes, and learn from them. Lecturing or getting angry doesn't solve things. She must learn to make her own decisions, while she is still under your protective care. 


Similar to what @Acadianartist said about her daughter, except the roles were reversed. Her daughter felt she had earned the right to make her own decisions about her own horse. This was a good thing, as sometimes we parents can be overprotective and micromanage things. 


Occasionally we do have to step in and make the decisions, but as much as possible, let your child learn responsibility. Children can be responsible and accountable for their actions, but we as parents need to teach them how to do it.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Let me just add, it is very important to stay firm and let these natural consequences occur. 

Thus she will be without a halter until she finds it, or replaces it. Even if that takes three years. 

She may figure out a way to make one out of baling twine, for instance. This is problem solving. She can do this, if you stick to it and don't bail her out. 

She needs to figure out a way to remember to close the gate. You don't have to figure it out, she does. 

You make the rules "Gates must be closed at all times" and she has to follow those rules. If she needs a reminder, she needs to figure out what best will work to help her remember. 

It sounds tough, but it works. 

I sent a child on the bus one morning with his shoes and socks in his hands, and his pajama top still on. Rule was children needed to ride the bus to school. If they weren't dressed, that was their problem. He finished dressing on the bus, and he never did it again. The kids laughed at him for carrying his shoes. Natural consequences. :smile:


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## Aprilswissmiss (May 12, 2019)

My neighbors had poor fencing and their mini donkeys got out very often. Not just once, but TWICE, a mini donkey got into the road, was hit by a car, and died (plus of course damage to whoever's car and themselves). I would take things like an open gate very seriously.

Being not too far from a teen myself, I still can understand where a teen would be coming from in that situation. Their brains don't always connect: gate is left open -> donkeys get out -> donkeys can get hurt -> people can get hurt; so sometimes you have to connect the dots for them, and then it clicks. So I would say "An open gate can get animals or people seriously hurt or dead, make sure you close gates." It's reality - she needs to understand the real life consequences if she's going to be making mistakes like that, but don't get angry and don't lecture.

Lecturing and anger don't work. They just don't. My mom used to lecture me all the time, and after the first sentence, I would just zone out and get very frustrated. On top of that, I highly resented her and would often ignore her directions intentionally out of spite (I had my bad teen moments). I also avoided speaking to her at all costs about mistakes I made, which made both myself and herself suffer, since I felt hopeless when I made a mistake and didn't want to confront her about it, and she would eventually find out and the situation would be worse off than had I told her immediately.

My dad, on the other hand, was very to the point, but never angry and never lectured. When he spoke, I listened, and the calm reality of what he said would hit me like a brick and I definitely wouldn't ever forget it. For example, he was helping someone out one time building a pasture and a kid spilt nails on the ground and left them there. He wasn't angry, and didn't lecture, but just said "Make sure you pick up those nails, if a horse steps on one they could end up dead" and you could just see that kid's expression change so quickly - lesson learned. He was my go-to when poop hit the fan (and still is) because of this, I trust him not to be upset and not to lecture. He was the first one I texted when my car was wrecked (as an adult living five states away!) and his text back was "The poor car " LOL


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## gottatrot (Jan 9, 2011)

I'm a person who could say "it's weird," because to me it might be strange that something happened, even if I understood that somehow I had been responsible for it. 

I believe it is important for a person to face the consequences of their actions. This might not always prevent the thing from happening again, because for me it often doesn't. Still, what it does is teach the person how to calmly deal with the issues they are bound to face in life if they are a distracted/absentminded type, which may be a phase but may be permanent. I can drop or break things in incredible, mind-boggling ways. I had a plate shatter on the edge of a counter top, break into a thousand pieces, but all the pieces continued up to the ceiling where they embedded and began raining down making a tinkling noise. I don't know anyone who has broken a plate in such a way.

When I was a teen I broke my glasses six times over the course of a several months in possibly unrelated accidents, or at least that was how I saw it. My mom was upset each time, of course, but that didn't solve anything. Eventually she got me contact lenses. 

Probably with most teens this absentmindedness is a temporary state. Many of our horses are very distracted when hormonal, and so are people. If it isn't temporary, what helps more than someone trying to make you see this is serious (does anyone want to clean up messes over and over?) is to form habits that help prevent the issues. My husband helped me learn many of these. You can't close the car door unless the keys are in your hand. You have to carry glass objects or wine with both hands. Etc. 
For gates, you cannot take your hand off of it until after you fasten the latch or chain. Even if it is only for a second and you'll be right back. These habits can save those of us who walk around depending on muscle memory without meaning to, because the thoughts are swirling in our brain.

Threats are frustrating to me (if your horse gets out on the highway, you can never have another one!), because what was done was an accident and in my mind not preventable. Not because of lack of caring. Providing strategies to prevent the issue are far better, and make everyone more happy, since they work, eliminating the frustration for both parties. Telling someone to always stay focused or try harder is giving them an impossible task.


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## Feathers7 (Jun 11, 2019)

@Foxhunter That's the funniest thing I've heard all day. So that's what a horse party looks like, huh? Not too different from a teen weekend jamboree when the parents are on vacation. Glad everybody was okay!


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

gottatrot said:


> I can drop or break things in incredible, mind-boggling ways. I had a plate shatter on the edge of a counter top, break into a thousand pieces, but all the pieces continued up to the ceiling where they embedded and began raining down making a tinkling noise. I don't know anyone who has broken a plate in such a way.



Must have been Corelle. They (I swear) spontaneously combust. That's all we had growing up and now that we are adults they seem to have reached the end of their life expectancy. Yes, shatter and then the tinkle of pieces falling from unexpected places. And it seems you can never find all of the pieces.


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## ClearDonkey (Nov 27, 2016)

Have you considered putting a secondary clip on the gate chain? Have it be a carabiner or double ended snap, and have her put it on her belt loop whenever she opens the gate, and every time she closes that gate it needs to get snapped back on. It will create a muscle memory of opening and closing the gate, and if you find the snap on her belt loop, then you know that she neglected to be responsible with the gate and can enforce a punishment, whether it be decreased horse time, extra hours mucking the pastures...

Causing horses to get loose is one of the most dangerous things that can happen day to day - horses can get into feed and colic, horses can get to the road and get hit...It happens. My friend's horse just got hit by a car by getting loose in the middle of the night, I found a pony on the side of a country highway that had gotten loose but luckily had not yet gotten hit..it happens.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Thanks everyone! I'm going to make her pay for a new halter. She does get an allowance, but we agreed when we got Moonshine that all of it would go to contribute to her boarding cost. So she doesn't have any money to spare out of there, but she has a general account where she puts money she gets for holidays, birthdays, etc., and it will come out of there.

I really appreciate everyone's perspectives, and even if I don't call you out specifically please know that I have read and really thought about what you have said.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

I was taught very early to never take a hand off a gate when passing through-- unlatch, open it, close it, relatch. It becomes a habit, and even though I'm an obsessive gate-checker, I've never found one left open. It's so automatic to close and latch it before stepping away, I do it without even thinking.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

All of ours follow the contour of the land and will swing wide if you don't keep a hand on it. The one where my husband placed a brick to keep it from swinging open is the one gate I find unlatched on a regular basis or I know when a horse walks past the house just exactly which pasture he hails from as they "test" the gate same as they "test" the electric fence. One has put two and two together and knows just by looking if the latch is hooked or not.


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## ValerieR (Jun 28, 2018)

I would have strangled her lol... I come from a ranch family, so I'll tell you what my mother or grandfather would have done if they had been in your place. With the donkeys, I would have been on my own. I wouldn't have gotten a spot of help.My mother would have come out with the truck and flipped the lights on if I was still wrangling donkeys after dark before she offered me help fix a mistake that dumb. As far as losing things, I would have had to either find or pay for anything I misplaced. End of story.

As far as fixing it, I'm not a parent but was raised by some pretty solid people. The rules when I was at the barn (which I still abide by at 25) were 1) no phones at the barn. The cell phone stays in the truck unless you're out checking fence alone or on a colt and might need to call 911, 2) every time you walk away from a gate, you double check the latch and make sure the horses have hay and water and 3) When you use something, whether it's yours or someone else's, you make it look more presentable and orderly than the way you found it, always leaving things in the correct place. If I didn't do that, nobody but me would be the one to fix it and I wouldn't get to ride if I didn't handle myself correctly. My mom used to say that if I wasn't responsible enough to take care of the horse's basic needs, then I wasn't responsible enough to be climbing on him. My family ran a tight ship, but it taught us kids responsibility and proper care through attention to detail. If I were in your position, I would follow similar guidelines with her. It seemed over the top when I was a kid, but it has served me well as I continue in the horse business as an adult.


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## FloridaRider (Jul 4, 2019)

Hi, As a super-forgetful individual who grew up to have a successful, well-paid career and her own home, please be kind to your daughter. My husband and son joke about how I am "object impaired". The thing that many people don't think about is that when you forget something, you forgot it. There is no particular trigger to not forget because that's what forgetting is, not thinking about something in the moment. There is no way to remember not to forget. I would make sure your daughter likes going to out to the horses (I'm assuming she does) and then I would buy a bunch of cheap (used?) halters, lead ropes and anything else that often gets lost. Label them and they will eventually return and you will usually have one to use at the time (I own about 4 pairs of sunglasses at any given time). As to closing the gates, that's important because it is a safety issue. Ask her to try to remember every time she does through a gate, notice it, check it, make sure as she walks away, she can remember closing it, if she can't, go back and check. Explain to her why it's important. It may take a lot of effort for her to remember, make sure you are putting the effort in the right place, where it actually matters. Maybe she will grow out of it, maybe she won't. For me, it takes a huge effort to make sure I've done simple, repetitive things. (super-difficult, one-off computer programming issues, no problem I can give you a running history going back several years and am admired for my memory of details). If your husband is trying to make her feel better, you have a least one family member who believes she is trying and perhaps you are being to hard on her since you are dealing with the consequences.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I haven't read any of the replies yet. I'm sure they are good , no, great.


I tend to agree that being forgiving of human errors, especially at this juncture in their lives , is important.


One thing I'd like to say is that if your daughter starts to feel that she must lie to you, that's something to be aware of. Sometimes teens have so much 'failure' in their lives, as they stumble through all the growth and strife, that they end up feeling it's too much to bear to tell the truth, especially if Mom or Dad is too disappointed in them in a person, and they end up with a lecture.


If the 'punishment' is clear and simple, like $5 every time you forget the gate, they may be better able to both remember, and be willing to be honest.


So, I wasn't meaning to focus on punishment, but rather makind sure that your teens feel 'safe' enough with their parents and parental discipline to make them willing to stay honest. AND, If they do start experimenting with lying, to get out of things, and you know they are, that you gently remind them of the fact that LYING is WAAAAAY more serious an offense than forgetting to close a gate, and if they damage their self respect, and self esteem and the trust that others have in them, it's very hard to get it back.


my two cents.


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## dee (Jul 30, 2009)

You mentioned that the donkeys weren't lead broke. If she has a problem making sure the gate is shut (my grandkids often pull the gate closed, but "forget" to chain it or don't chain it correctly), maybe halter breaking one or more of the donkeys might help her remember. Or at least make it easier putting them up if they get out again...


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