# I sold my heart horse and I cry daily with sadness



## SarahDiva23 (Jan 5, 2022)

To anyone who reads this post; I’m doing this because I’m finding it difficult to move on with my life after selling my beloved Warmblood; Diva. I cry daily, I can’t get out of bed and I prefer to be alone. 
After owning two horses that didn’t work out for me; I sold them on and said to my coach “I love this 4yo chestnut mare down on the Gold Coast, I want to go and look at her.” With great concern, my coach was worried the horse was too young/fizzy for my beginner rider self and advised to look for more of a school master type. I didn’t listen. I drove down to my appointment for inspection of the horse and as soon as I sat on her back, I fell in love. This was the mare for me; Diva. 
Diva was a very challenging horse for the first 4 years of owing her. I couldn’t walk her on a lead rope with out her back-flipping, striking and bucking all the way. At our first prelim competition; she broke free from my float and charged through two dressage tests with a crowd chasing after her, trying to catch her while shouting “close the main gates she’s heading for the highway!”. That same day, I chose to lunge her before my test, and she literally did a back flip and landed on her back with four feet in the air...my test was in 10mins. It was a nightmare of a day for a beginner rider; but our score was the highest of the day, and we got preliminary champion and horse of the day! Then Diva was diagnosed with kissing spine. I was devastated. After researching all the possible treatment options, I decided to opt for the surgery. She had 8 spines surgically removed. She spent 3 months in a stable and 12 month in rehabilitation with me. It was an emotional and difficult time, but I never gave up on her. Once rehabilitated; she trained up to Medium level dressage and we started showjumping to 1m. Oh how I loved her. In 2018, I purchased Diva a property. It was in the country, close to my work, and I had big beautiful paddocks put in for her and an arena.. I put her in foal and she carried that foal well until she came down with placentitis and her foal was born prematurely and couldn’t stand up, the vet suggested I put the foal down. Diva was devastated and I was devastated seeing her deveststed. It was terrible. She was a good mother. I gave her 6 months rest after loosing her foal and I brushed her and walked her everyday. She was at home with me and she was safe and loved. 
A few years later I met my soul mate and fell in love. True love. I moved into his house which was 2 hours south and put Diva in agistment. I was happy. After a short while, i fell pregnant, and Diva had 18months off work. I developed post natal depression, had zero family around me due to Covid and a sick baby. I stacked on the kilos to a point where I couldn’t fit into any of my riding clothes. I developed Achilles tendinitis and due to the pain, and the sole responsibility of take care of a newborn with no support; I fell into a deep
State of post natal depression. I was exhausted and lost in my new life. I barely made the time to see Diva although she was loved and cared for by the agistment. I was full of sadness and guilt so from the pressure of the guilt, and the increasing bills and no work, I decided to sell diva. I sold her the a lovely girl, who sat on diva for the first time and fell in love with her, just like I did 9 years ago. I sold her because I couldn’t keep up with the financial responsibilities with a new baby and being a stay at home mum. I feel extremely depressed, heart broken and devastated are an understatement. I couldn’t make it work for my Diva. I failed her. Although she is being loved and ridden by Emmy, her new owner I am so upset with myself for not being able to have my Diva until the day she passes like I always vouched. I have been through so much with her and I sold her after 9 amazing years. What is wrong with me? I regret it so much but I couldn’t ride her anymore, I couldn’t love her as good as I used to when she was at home with me, my life changed all of a sudden once I had my baby and Diva suffered. I miss her so much and I pray to God every night to please bring Diva back into my life one day. 
Diva was my heart horse of 9 years. We went through everything together; and I sold her. I will never forgive myself and I will always love her.


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## Luna’s rider (Jan 23, 2021)

Dear Sarah, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Life circumstances change. We change. We can’t predict everything. Diva is fine, cared for and loved. Now it’s time to take care of YOU. I hear and validate your feelings with her. It didn’t go as planned. No one is to blame, certainly not you.
I had post natal depression too and my advice is to seek help ASAP. It won’t go away, unless you make it. Make changes if the new situation doesn’t fit you. Did you want to stop working? Are you happy where you are? City/Country? Can you leave baby with father and do something alone? Newborns aren’t newborns forever (I have two sons). This phase will pass. You mention your child is sick? Permanently? If so, maybe there are associations of parents who can help. If he’s sick now, but otherwise healthy, I’m afraid that it is how it’s going to be for a while (little Petri dishes!) but one day baby will be a toddler and a pre-schooler and he/she won’t be so needy anymore. There will be a time when you can go back to riding and owning horses and being yourself again. If you seek help now. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. A combination of drugs and therapy will help. Nobody’s fault, and very common, and devastating. My DMs are open.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

You have been through so much. Can you find some counseling to help you stop blaming yourself? Diva is now in a good place with someone who loves her and is taking care of her. I would like to see you in a good place too. Lots of women give up riding while raising their children. You are not alone. It is not your fault that these terrible things happened to you. As @Luna’s rider said, children grow up fast and your baby won't stay a baby for that long. This forum is a good place for caring helpful people.


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

Thank you for being honest here. I do not see any way you could have kept your horse due to the circumstances. One way of looking at this is, if no one ever passed on their good horses, people like the girl who now has the horse would ever get the opportunity to have a good horse.

You also represent for us the enduring love of horses. You have my sympathy as to what you are going through now, but time will pass. Please keep your love of horses in your heart.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

When I was pregnant with my first, I did the same thing with a very similar horse. I loved the mare, but in my case she had torn a muscle in her back (unfixable) saving me from a wreck, making her unrideable. She got pigeon fever the next year, and my boss made me take her off the ranch for a time, which was cruel to the mare. It was really bad too. After she came back, and I was pregnant I felt I couldn’t afford keeping a broodmare or retiring such a young horse, and I gave her away to a friend with a brother who was a cutting horse breeder.

I always thought about her too, and had a sense of guilt about it. I looked up the breeder finally a couple years ago, and he didn’t have her. Turned out the pigeon fever had sterilized her. He didn’t say whether he put her down or chickened her, and my guilt was made worse of course.

I had to let it go for the most part, then and now. Life works out where we have regrets about things, but what you did wasn’t wrong. You made the right call for yourself and the mare. She’s likely well loved and happy where she is too!

I feel that many horses have chapters in their lives. The chapter of hers, where she was with you, is what you are responsible for, and you made that an excellent one where she was much loved and successful.

A horse like that is unhappy sitting in a corral, and during the time you have such a small baby it is difficult. Being pregnant is hard, and having a newborn is hard. I know in my own case, my mind wasn’t quite right pregnant. You have to let go of the guilt. You will always have a bit of regret, but the guilt needs to be freed.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Are you receiving any treatment for the post-natal depression? If not, can you? If so, can you have the treatment assessed for effectiveness?

I feel like I could tell you that you should be happy that your horse went to a good home, that a lot of people get out of horses when they have small children and get back into them, and even (true story) about my trainer, who just bought back her childhood pony. So it's not outside the realm of possibility that you might get her back some day.

But really it sounds like you are just overwhelmed by depression, and nothing anyone can say will be helpful until you are getting treatment that is really helping you. That's just my two cents.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I can't imagine how hard it must be to go through all that you have, but you have to take care of yourself. Diva knows she was loved. She knows. They know, trust me. & now she is healthy & happy with her new owner - that right there, speaks volumes. She is in a good place. Loved. That is what matters at the end of the day. Do not beat yourself up over this. 

I think you should definitely seek out some counseling or therapy, or maybe some support groups because many women deal with post-natal depression, & it may help to be able to talk about it more with people in similar situations. I know when I'm dealing with my own issues, it helps to know I'm not alone.

Hugs to you.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Diva looks like a beautiful horse, and it sounds like you cared for her so well when she was with you. I hope you can find the help you need to get through your depression and in future be able to look back on your time with her with pride knowing that you did so well to keep her needs at the front all the time, including her move to a new owner. Maybe one day in future she will enter your life again. Until then, please know that you are worth dedicating time to healing and helping as well. So now that you have more space and time for that, focus on you and getting well again.


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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

@SarahDiva23 : Even in what sounds like a terribly dark time for you, you put the needs of Diva ahead of what you wanted. That is the exact opposite of failing her. Diva has been so lucky to have such a wonderful, caring owner in you and now you have given another girl the opportunity to know and Diva. That is a blessing for them both. I hope you are able to find a therapist who can get you feeling better and help you to realize you made the best decision possible for Diva and for your baby. Take care of yourself as well as you have cared for Diva. 💚


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