# lost my nerve after bad accident want to ride but how?



## SADDLEBRED1959 (Apr 23, 2018)

ok so here is my problem, I GOT HURT BADLY 3 years ago. Not the horses fault, not my fault. 

Let me tell you a bit about me. 50 years of riding anything that did not ride me. I crawled up and got on a horse they said no one could ride at 3 years old. Almost gave my dad a stroke. They found me later that same summer sleeping in my dad's arab stallion's stall wrapped around his front legs. He was not a sweet horse and was given to kicking and grabbing stall cleaners. 

At any given notice I have fallen and been tossed off hundreds of time. Sometimes my fault, sometimes just dumb luck. Bad falls. Two broken bones in all my toes. My instep, left leg,( tibia platue) and hip. Dislocated left shoulder, broken right rotator cup (it would not let go), collar bone, pelvic bone, sternum and wrist. Oh and little finger as a child.

Growing up in colorado I had a pony but no saddle. Thats how I learned to stay on. He taught me lots of things. Mostly how to walk home. lol. First big horse I got was a morgan arab mare with one hell of a running stop - She stopped, I did not. LOL I barrel raced, galloped horses on the track for my dad and uncle, rode saddlebreds and rubbed for one of the best know saddlebred trainers in colorado. I showed arabians all the way to the nationals. In scottsdale I have ridden dressage. 4TH level jumped. Evented for owners and myself. 

I was 35 when i took a short break from riding, and then moved to oregon where i bought a huge 17.1 hand mare who was a cousin of sectertaitiats. Yes, you guessed it, she took me off a few times in the years I owned her. But I was never afraid of her, and she was my best friend even though she was a wicked witch until I made a very bad decision about 10 years ago. 

I bought a very unique saddlebred mare, sight unseen. This mare was supposed to be green broke. Well if thats green I have a bridge to sell. I took her to one trainer who made her worse by trying to get her to become A 5 gaited horse. she was a 3 gaited mare nothing more. The trainer ( i use the word loosely) stressed her out so badly that she stress colicked. At her first show I brought her home and found that i could not even get a halter on her ( took two hind hooves to the gut for my trouble). Took her to another trainer. It went better this time and she formed a bond with the trainer. But became totally unmanageable whenever a man got into the picture. she was frighted to death of men and would go out of her mind around them. 

So I decided to breed her. Got two very nice andalusian saddlebred foals off her and then leased her out to a friend of mine and got the resulting foal, when she came home. After having the last foal I was again at odds with her. She would try to kick me in the stall and lunge at me with her teeth bared. I should have sold her. But hey, its me. I was not afraid of anything. So now that we are up to 3 years ago I will tell you what happened. 

It was a nice september day, a sunday. I had to work that night but I had a new horse shoer coming out that day, I should have gone back to bed I realise now but I digress. The guy showed up drunk or high. I really will never know. My mare and her 4 week old filly were in the barn in a 25 X 30 foot broodmare stall. The drunk horseshoer tells me he wants to trim her first. Well ok she had not been outside for a day or so and was a bit nervous but what the hell. I held her and right from the start knew something was going to go wrong. 

She was jittery and when he trimmed her she suddenly jerked out of his hand now. ok, she was an air head but had always been good with shoers. turns out he quicked her very badly! He got angry and hit her. I was very upset and told him to leave it and we would go do the other horses and come back to her. this is when all hell froze over. he turned around and the filly kicked out and got him in his jewels. He proceeds to beat the living hell out of the filly. The mare goes nuts, drags her teeth down my arm and all hell breaks loose. The guy kicks the mare , she kicks him and runs him down. I am trying to get him and myself out of the stall alive when she connects with the back of my head and I go down. I am on the ground yelling at him to get out when she rears & falls on my outstretched leg. All 1200 plus pounds! My leg breaks below the knee and the tibia splits all the way to the ankle. My fibia pops off and tendons & muscle go with it. I can't get up. By this point my husband has got there & tried to get me out. He opens the door and the mare & foal go flying out. Meanwhile Mr drunk guy tries to help by picking up my leg an pulling on it! Anyway, long story short, I now have 6 screws, a bolt and lots of other good stuff holding my leg together. I was in the hospital for 12 weeks non weight bearing, a year on a walker and in a wheel chair. I am now walking but had to give my horses away. I sold the others because i could not care for them. I was so broken I could not get near them for 6 months without panicking or crying my eyes out. 

I still feel like something is broken in me. I don't know if i will ever get it back. The mare who did this too me went back to my friends place where his cousin fell in love with her and now she's doing what she does best - having foals. I had 6 others who were mostly sr horses and all went to good homes. My saddlebred mare who I loved the most & had since she was 2 had a heart attack & died 10 days after I got home form the hospital - she ws 26. I am now horseless.

For a very long time I could not even look at horses, and then one day about a year ago I was driving to work and noticed a horse in a pasture go down. I pulled over, watched him for a bout 10 mins then pulled onto the property where he was. As it turned out I saved his life - he was gas colicking and if I had not noticed something wrong he might have been dead. From then on, I began to see other horses. Along the way to work,( i have always been one of those knowing people who look for horses, veering off the road lol) My friend in portland who is like my sister, and another horse nut, tells me I have ptsd. I think she's right. 

That same mare, when my friend came to get her months later tried to climb over a stall door to attack me. My guess is her mind thinks that I caused her to be hurt that day. She will never be right again and for that I am truly sorry 

Now that I have written a book, Here is my problem - I'm frightened to death when I think about mounting and riding another horse. I know when I get up I will remember, but I can't bring myself to get back on. My nerve is totally gone. I break into a cold sweat when I get near a saddled horse! i can't believe this has happened but my friend says it's not that unusual. I can now walk horses, groom them and be around them no problem but when I think about actually stepping up into the saddle I freak out. 

What on earth is wrong with me? Can anyone help? Its a weird case as I was not riding when I got hurt. I really want another horse, have been looking at horses for sale and guess what I want? You guessed it, a saddlebred! The leg is about 99% working and I am out of shape and 57 years old. I truly want to ride. Can someone please help me? Thinks its possible there is no help, but I thought I would try to see if someone has an idea.


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## Hang on Fi (Sep 22, 2007)

Baby steps. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with an animal with a high flight drive and their own brain (that sometimes isn't very logical).

A horse I trusted very dearly, had owned for nearly six years, bucked me off out of no where onto a gravel driveway, broke my left humerus in two. Plate and eight screws later... 

I sold the horse who unfortunately injured me. Not solely because of the injury, but I'd already considered selling her. She was talented and deserved to be worked. I'd gone long periods of not working her and it just wasn't fair to her, so while on the mend, it was easier to let her go and not have that nagging thought in the back of my head of "What if she did it again?" Granted, I've grown up with horses, generally was thrown on the naughty ones to work their kinks out, but there was something about this instance that I just couldn't surpass.

I had a project mare that was destined to be sold in the Spring, but I ended up keeping her. We clicked so well that I just couldn't part with her. She'll be 4 in August so needless to say I was focusing on groundwork with her. She has a great head on her shoulders and great confidence, which helped me. That being said, because she was younger (and a drafty breed) I wasn't rushing her riding. It gave me time to bounce back into horses by not EXPECTING to ride. To go out, groom them, do some groundwork and go home. 

Don't rush into it. When you are traumatically hurt and older (I'm 28 and I don't bounce anymore or try anything outlandish anymore lol) you aren't so inclined to jump right back on that proverbial (albeit literal actually) horse. Find a steady eddie, regardless of the breed. I never thought I'd end up with a Haflinger, but now I have 1 1/2 (My project mare is a Gypsy/Haffie cross). You'll know when your next riding partner comes along, the feeling is just there. 

That being said, my project mare, was a bit of a "What have I done?" When I drove 14 hours in one day to get her and drive home. A week into her new place I tried to interact with her, she was very salty/grouchy. Previous owner worked the snot out of her in 3 months, so she was understandably grouchy. So I gave her three months off and when I went to retrieve her she tried turned and tried to kick, I "Ach! Ach!" at her, but wrote it off that a mini was beside me and she was ****y with them. Couple unsuccessful kicks later (one including just her and I) I realized it wasn't the mini's and she needed a "come to" moment lol. Haven't had an issue since, but she was smart. She'd kick out and run before I could react. 

Either way. Take it slow, baby steps and keep looking for that next horse if you truly want to pursue that. There is something about taking care of your own horse on the ground that is gratifying, even if you don't climb on board.


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## Joel Reiter (Feb 9, 2015)

You have an incredible record for courage, however your judgment seems suspect. You have had a lifetime of putting yourself in dangerous situations, and you finally accomplished a disaster.

No matter how brave you were before, one event can change everything. Instead of making the leap from grooming to riding off into the sunset, take baby steps. Get a calm horse, put a saddle and halter and lead rope on it, get someone to hold it for you, get on and get off. That's it. Check it off, you got on a horse. Go home and let your mind process the fact that you did it and you are still alive.

Repeat as many times as it takes until the thought no longer gives you a knot in your stomach. Then proceed to have someone lead the horse a little bit. Again, I'm stressing that you need to demonstrate discernment about your choice of both horse and handler, because both need to be 100% reliable. 

If you ride a little longer every day, eventually you will get impatient to get the reins back in your own hands and you can progress from there. And as long as you don't create a new catastrophe, you will be able to achieve a somewhat normal level of tranquility about riding.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

There is a book I read and he says, “you are not your thoughts, you are your actions.” When I get scared I tell myself that now. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. 

My husband said to me once “everyone gets scared, you just decide it’s worth it and do it anyways.” Again this helped me. I never had been scared of anything growing up, so I didn’t realize that people could be scared and still do whatever. 

That being said, you don’t have to jump right back into something hard. Be kind to yourself. If riding horses is worth being scared to you, by all means do it. Just maybe start with some dog gentle horse that will help you build your confidence. That way if you panic he will just take care of you and your confidence will not take another knock. He might not be what you want to ride, but he might just help you to eventually ride what it is you want in the end. There is nothing wrong with a gentle horse.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

You may need a therapy horse. Seriously. I know you might feel silly, but they're called therapy horses for a reason. You do have PTSD. You're progressing slowly, and there's no reason to rush it. If not a therapy horse, you need to find the calmest, quietest horse in the world. Do as @Joel Reiter suggests. Get on, get off the first day. Do that until you no longer get anxiety attacks about it. Then walk a few steps, and get off. And so on. 

What happened to you is very traumatic. As Joel says, you need to re-program your brain because it is clearly telling you to stop putting yourself in harm's way.

Best of luck. I'm sure you can do this, as long as you go very slow.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Find a psych counselor or psychologist who specializes in PTSD/Trauma/EMDR counseling. The EMDR (Eye Movement Directed Recovery) is an amazing tool. I don't know many people who don't go through at least a little bit of trauma/PTSD that have been involved with horses for a long time. So, you're not alone, not by a long shot. 

When trauma is bad, whether it's one occurrence or many over several years, the effect is cumulative. Add several years between the incident and now and you've just let it sit and fester and concentrate. Been there done that, the EMDR and counseling helped immensely. I was to the point of just getting on a mounting block and I would stand and shake all the way from the top of my head to the bottom of my boots and cry. Get on a horse? Not in this lifetime, or so I thought. I'm 60, so not a baby either, and I'm riding. I still tense up when a horse puts a foot down wrong, or gets high headed or I feel that swell that lets me know they're about to spook, but I can let down and deal. I no longer ride the babies, or the ones nobody else wants to ride. I ride my own horses for my own pleasure and that's plenty. 

You can get past this, but don't be afraid to reach out for professional help. I would not be riding today, nor would I probably even own horses, if I had not.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

Remember when you said, "I held her and right from the start knew something was going to go wrong."

Trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right, you won't feel confident, and the horse will pick up on it, and you set both of you up for failure.

Wait until it feels right. Horses don't like nervous wrecks on their backs, and you won't enjoy the experience either.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I agree with everything else said here. Baby steps. Nothing says you have to ride again so don't put a time limit on it. Spend your time for now doing all those things that don't put you in that place. Consider driving and then progress.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

_Mmshiro, I didn't edit your post, I went to like it and it took me to edit! _

Saddlebred, welcome to the forum. 

OK it was a very nasty wreck, certainly one at could have been avoided. New farrier turns up drunk or night, HELLO and GOODBYE. I wouldn't allow any drunk or high farrier near my horses let alone one that I knew could be difficult. 

I agree with what has been said, just take it slowly, get on, get off, get on sit for two minutes and off. Get on, walk two steps and so on. 

You can do it I am sure.


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## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

Back when I boarded my second horse (the good one), I was still a 12-year-old kid, and I was talking to one of the moms of the regular riding students. Her daughter was a very confident, avid rider, but it turned out that this mom had also ridden for years as a kid and in her early adult years. She said she had a traumatic accident and hadn't been on a horse since.

Two minutes later she was wearing my helmet and sitting on my horse, petting her neck while I held the reins and we just stood quietly for a few minutes. I asked if she wanted me to walk or trot the horse and she said, "No, I'm good, this is perfect." And we stood like that in silence for a bit before she said she was ready and hopped down, and thanked me.

It didn't feel like a big deal to *me* at the time but in hindsight I'm sure it was a huge deal for her and I'm glad to have been there to be able to do that for her. I have absolutely no idea if she ever rode again, but I think she needed that moment as some kind of peaceful resolution to something that had been left ragged for her.

It's actually one of my favourite horse-related memories, now.

Your moment will come too.


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Someone above quoted 'you are not your thoughts, you are your actions'. Fair enough, but it seems like a lot of people take action without thought way too much. It seems to me that the last 'accident' is a case in point. Perhaps others of the many earlier ones could have been too. So perhaps it would be best, before you even think of dealing with horses again, for you to do some study into equine & behavioural psychology, and do some horsemanship workshops or such. And as suggested, start back with horses through a therapy centre or such. That way, you will have a good grounding in what you're dealing with & how to go about it as safely as possible, meaning reduced risk, which should also help your fear. Without doing so, whether you have 'PTSD' or not, your fears of serious injury are completely rational.

"If you keep just doing what you've always done, you're likely to get what you've always got" is a quote that I always try to keep in mind when I'm having/seeing difficulties.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

@loosie that was me. 🙂 I get what you are saying, and I do think that the story had some bad decisions within it, however irrational fear, the fear of riding at all, not the fear of that same situation which would be rational, is the fear I am talking about.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I think you will have to consider that you will NEVER be that rider again. And, if you keep that self image as who 'you' are, then will never feel like youself.

So, if you can only pet a horse, then for the person you are now, that is perfect. It isn't a lesser thing because compared to your past person, it's a very small thing. no. For this you, it's just the right amount.


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Oh, yeah Knave, I get that, but given her history, I don't think it sounds like her fear of riding is all that irrational. Maybe just took this non-riding 'final straw' to sink in.

Tiny, great way of looking at it. Even without a serious accident, fear can happen. At one point, just post babies, young green horse, I got myself into such a tiz that I couldn't even THINK about mounting my horse without getting shaky. And of course, that didn't help my horse's confidence either, so both of us ended up a mess for a while. 

But I came to my senses & realised that the biggest part of my issue was that I'd never treat fear in a horse, or in a child I was teaching to ride the way I was treating myself. I felt STUPID and useless, because I *should* be able to do this, as I had always done without fear. Once I 'restarted' myself in the same manner as I'd treat a scared horse or kid, going in baby steps, not expecting & beating myself up for not being the person I WAS, then I started getting over it.


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## EquineBovine (Sep 6, 2012)

Firstly I'd agree with a dx of PTSD. I'd seek out some counseling.
Secondly, who says you have to jump back on the horse (figuratively and physically) right away? Why can't you start with the least intimidating, ancient old mini? Are you in a position to get a tiny old nag that isn't going to give you too much trouble (I know minis can be just as bad as big horses but at least you can push them over :lol: ) and start from there? Build up your confidence again. Just be around a horse that isn't likely to go off at you, that is happy to be petted and loved on? 
You went through a horrendous ordeal and are lucky to be alive. You are ALLOWED to feel like this.
If you want to get back into the horsey game, start small


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