# Bad place



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I hope everything works out and goes well Gunslinger.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

Prayers for strength and comfort.


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## FlyGap (Sep 25, 2011)

Praying for you Gunslinger! The Lord is in control, hand him the reins.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

oh dear! I am saying a prayer for you. sending out one feeble human wish.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

The Lord bless you and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you,
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face towards you
and give you peace;
and the blessing of God almighty,
the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
be among you and remain with you always. Amen.


May the three enfold you
Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Hold you safe and hold you strong

May the three encompass you
Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Encircle your life each day and night

May the three protect you
Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Guard your door and keep each gate

May the three watch over you
Father, Son and Holy Spirit
Still your heart and calm all fear


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## Le007 (Jan 7, 2013)

In the fire is where we are refined. It is never easy being there but rest in knowing God is never caught off guard. Prayers for wisdom and peace.


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## SouthernTrails (Dec 19, 2008)

Prayers for you Gunslinger

.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

Prayer for you and yours, sir.


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## Allison Finch (Oct 21, 2009)

I hope everything works out for you.


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## Eagle Child (Jan 19, 2012)

Praying for you for answers.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

And may it bring some comfort to you knowing folks are here for you. You are not alone in your struggle.


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## dkb811 (Oct 15, 2013)

Praying for strength and answers through Jesus Christ to help you during troubled times.


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## anndankev (Aug 9, 2010)

On Christmas Eve my Mother was staying with me and we went to dinner at my son's in-laws. 

My car broke down on the way home and AAA towed it to my son's house, we got a ride back to my house trailer.

Tears were falling from eyes, supposed to be caring for my aged mother in a remote location with no transportation.

At midnight my son and daughter drove up with my car, fixed. It was like he was Santa Claus.

I woke my mother and told her because she was so worried for me.

She said "Who says prayers aren't answered?"

I will pray for you, and have her chime in too. Bless you.


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## Sharpie (May 24, 2009)

:hug: You will be in my thoughts tonight.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Gunslinger, you have always been so supportive of me on this forum. Know that you are in my thoughts and if there is anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask.


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## SoldOnGaited (May 21, 2012)

Blessings to you and your family Gunslinger! I ask and hope for you and yours to find strength, peace and calm through this difficult time. 

Sending positive vibes your way!


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## greentree (Feb 27, 2013)

Gunslinger, whatever it is, we are praying for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cordillera Cowboy (Jun 6, 2014)

Thinking of you and yours.


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

You are in my prayers. **Hugs**


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## DimSum (Mar 28, 2012)

Whatever the challenge, sending up a silent prayer for you and yours.


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Gunslinger - accepting what we have no control over is difficult. Being emotionally and mentally ready to accept what comes is the best preparation you can do. Wishing you strength and sending you support in the coming times.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Thank you all for your prayers.....they have helped....more than you know....believe me.

DW has struggled with substance abuse for along time. I thought she was cured but it is now clear that over the past four plus years she's weaved a web which collapsed Wed night.

As I was going over the list of charges on her hidden credit cards she walked out on the deck and put a gun to her head.....all I heard was a bang.

I ran outside to see her still standing....thank the lord.

I'll skip a lot of the details but......

She's in a mental facility now, going through detox on a 6-404. I've only spoken with her once and only for a couple of minutes but I've talked to her case worker a few times.....

She's agreed to inpatient care after detox and that will be at least 30 days.....possibly more...and potentially up to a year......

When that gun went off.....she lived but a part of me died and has left me in a huge void...I still hear the shot...running around and around in my head.......I had my first session with a head shrinker yesterday.....and I feel a little better....still, as most of you know, I love this woman so......so much....but I need some time to sort this out and I'm not sure 30 days will be enough......so I'm hoping for at least ninety days and frankly......I don't know how I'll feel about her when she's ready to come home...I'll always love her....and I won't leave her or desert her.....as I promised god....through sickness and health.....and I intend to keep that promise regardless of the circumstance.......Trust me when I tell you grown men cry....as I've cried off and on now for the last three days or so

It's not that I don't love her anymore.....because I do....but I don't know if I can live with her anymore......although my vision of a happy ending is us getting past this and finding a way to live happily together for the rest of our lives......

She has no family, no income, no real skill and if her heath doesn't improve no way to work.......all she has is me......

She's financed her drinking on credit....and has ran up a significant debt at high interest.....she made it this long by pulling from her IRA....and might have the IRS on her as well......

I'm mentally, physically, and spiritually exhausted......I've turned this over to god.....and tomorrow I'll put on my sunday best and head to church....because I just can't thank god enough for the second chance.....so tomorrow I rejoice in his mercy and goodness....I have another session with the shrink in early march....

For those whose prayed for me I ask you, if it's not to much trouble.... keep praying....and include DW.....and thank you all so very...very...much.. I feel your love.....and it's so comforting.....

Always faithful.....


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## DimSum (Mar 28, 2012)

I haven't the words, other than ((cyber hugs and prayers))


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

Continued prayer, GS, for you, and for your wife.

I lost one of my immediate family to alcohol and a daughter has struggled to the edge of death and back more than once. Will she succeed? I don't know. 

But, I do know with both, that seeing their health decline, seeing them near death time and again, affected me. I remember my daughter telling her life story to a creep. I was also there. Instead of sympathy, the guy said, "You ever think of how many times your mother has buried you?" He meant how many times I thought she had to be dead, and how many times I went through those emotions. 

It does change you. I can enjoy the good days we have together, but there is also a wall of sorts around my heart, knowing the heartache this person can bring. It's weird, indeed. I still love her, too.

My sympathy and prayer.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Like Dimsum, I haven't the words either, and I too send cyberhugs and prayers. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. The dawn will come, gunslinger.


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Please, please -- look after your own needs first at this point. Your wife has support and is being cared for. You need to be strong for the future. Please try to see your doctor more frequently if you need it. I don't have experience with this particular scenario, but I do have experience with other family trauma (who doesn't, really) and I know that those who have immediate need will be looked after right now. The people around, not so much. 

Set yourself up with a strong web - your God, your church, your friends & family, your animals and your space. Positive and supportive thoughts going your way, GS.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Gunslinger- it's no trouble at all. I will pray for her as well, that she will be willing to except the help her facility has to offer. I am glad that you have found some measure of comfort here. I know its difficult, but as bad as things may seem, everything is on the right track for improvement.


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## Foxtail Ranch (Mar 10, 2012)

Sending hugs and prayers your way Gunslinger,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

I can't even imagine the struggle you are going through, but I am genuinely hoping you both find a soft place amidst the current storm.


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## Eagle Child (Jan 19, 2012)

Gunslinger, I will keep praying for you and for your wife. Please take care of yourself and don't shut yourself away. Keep going to a good counsellor and use your local network of church, family, friends. 

I went through a horrible time when my now ex went off the deep end with depression and bipolar issues and would never seek help eight years ago. I understand about the trust thing. God, mostly, and good friends, and actually, telling my story on a Christian forum and having the support of caring "strangers" went a long way in helping me through that dark time. 

The old footprints in the sand story is really true, not just a cliche'. He does carry us through the times when we can't walk on our own. He'll carry you. 

(((hugs)))


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## paintedpastures (Jun 21, 2011)

You are both going through un imaginable struggle right now:-(,sending Prayers of support for you both. Hoping this event was her reaching Rock bottom,often that is what it takes before one is really ready to accept help & make recovery Hoping thats the case with her,that it will be a climb back from her brink of destruction & finally healing can begin...

Keep your faith that is what will keep you going:wink: Feel free to come here for words of encouragement {{hugs}}}


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## Phantomcolt18 (Sep 25, 2007)

Gunslinger, no words can form just how terrible it is that you are going through this. Lift your troubles to the Lord and he will carry you through them. 

As others have said, take care of yourself first and foremost. I can only imagine the emotions running through you right now and know they it is ok to feel them. It is not weakness to cry or to feel angry. 

_Psalm 34:17 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles_

I am praying for you and yours in these hardest of times. You have a wonderful cyber-family here who I am sure will be there for you whenever you need us. 

~hugs~


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## Skipsfirstspike (Mar 22, 2010)

Gunslinger, I was concerned when I read your first post, I don't know you at all but your comments on this forum are always full of knowledge, kindness and encouragement.
After reading your update, I am just devastated for you. I remember many a post where you state how much you love your wife.
I am not generally a praying woman, but I will pray for you and your wife, and all of my best thoughts toward healing for the both of you.


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## Captain Evil (Apr 18, 2012)

Very dark times indeed, but at least now all is out in the open and you can begin to sort through it all. 

I cannot be counted as among the believers, but I believe in you; in your strength, courage, love, kindness, compassion and faith. And I do believe in the power of prayer, and hope that all of the prayers of your friends and family, and your ‘cyber-family’ will give you comfort and help you pull through one way or another. 

Please heed those wise folk who advise you to care for yourself. Please take care, and please stay connected. Thinking of you...


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## Roman (Jun 13, 2014)

I've prayed for you and do hope that all this become alright! I was really shocked when I read your recent post. Be strong and keep praying, be faithful! All the best - Roman.


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## loveduffy (Dec 22, 2011)

I will pray for you and your wife I hope you both get thought this ( GOD never give us more them we can handle ) stay strong


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## horseNpony (Sep 27, 2013)

I'm not very religious, and rarely pray, but for you ill make an exception. I've never been in a situation like yours, so can offer no advise. I just hope for the best outcome, and that this darkness passes quickly so light can shine through. I will keep both you and your wife in my thoughts.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Gunslinger tears are streaming right now as I read your story.  I, like boots, have been through similar situations with my son. He has struggled with depression and alcohol for years. Several suicide attempts, many stays in rehab, lots of money stolen. Countless nights spent crying because we didn't know where he was and "jumping" every time the phone rang with an unknown number. I have no advice for you other than what's been said already. Take care of you right now. You will need to be strong in your faith and your love for your wife. 

I believe in a higher power and the energy of the universe, and I believe that there must be a reason your wife has been given a second chance. 

If you feel you need to see a counselor sooner, talk to your pastor and get recommendations.

We're here for you always. You'll be in my thoughts. Please keep us updated when possible and know that you can talk to us anytime.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Thinking of you gunslinger... we are all here for you.


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## Roperchick (Feb 1, 2010)

GS!!!! I am so sorry. I JUST heard about this  your "little sis" is thinking about y'all and I'm here for ya if you need it!


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## Maple (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm not the religious type, but will keep yourself and family in my thoughts. Please be strong enough to look for help from your doctor if you feel you need it. There is more strength in asking for help then there is trying to look like you are coping.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Just a quick update....DW is still in detox. She called yesterday afternoon.....When I told her how good it was to hear her voice she said "Really?"

The rest was chit chat....how are the horses...yada yada yada.....ended with "I love you Bill".....and from me...."I love you to".....less than a five minute conversation....she did say that "this is a really nice place with really nice people".....that made me happier....

My shrink mentioned two phrases in regard to me that stuck in my head....so I've been researching both and have some questions for him next session....


Co-dependant.....and Obsessive Compulsive.....

Co-dependant....yes....after 30 years I think that's true....

OCD.....I do let things stay in my head to long....so again....yep.....

I continue to read about these topics.....as I search to know and understand myself better....

Unto thy own self, be true....Or as Popeye said.....I ams what I ams...

Always faithful.....


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Gunslinger, you are so strong. I can't imagine how such hardships must have affected you but know that we are all here for you. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many--your wife is, too.

Your encouragement, I know, means much to her. I hope that, someday, I can have a husband that is as loving and faithful as you are to her. <3


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

No words; just :hug:


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for the updates. I am super glad she likes her place and they are nice. That is huge. Makes it a lot easier for her to receive treatment.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I always thought it was "I yam what I yams".

small victories, small pleasures, small graces.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

It is so good that you have taking the bull by the horns, that is really "big". To appreciate just how "big" you have to consider how it compares with "deer in the headlights". I hope the steps you have taken and the support of others is bringing you relief and strength.

You and yours are in my prayers.


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## evilamc (Sep 22, 2011)

Aw Gunslinger, I'm so sorry. I REALLY hope she gets the help she needs and you get the time you need to work through this. 30 years is a long time I'm sure you guys will work through this!


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Zexious said:


> Gunslinger, you are so strong. I can't imagine how such hardships must have affected you but know that we are all here for you. You are in the thoughts and prayers of many--your wife is, too.
> 
> Your encouragement, I know, means much to her. I hope that, someday, I can have a husband that is as loving and faithful as you are to her. <3


Which brings up another issue....to much loyalty?

I look at it like two soldiers....both in a fox hole....under heavy enemy fire....both want to run....but neither do.....they stay and fight for each other.....knowing one, or both may die.....yet still, they won't abandon the other......

Am I loyal to a fault? 

DW is in day five of detox.....I spoke briefly with her last night.....I think DT's are getting pretty bad and she told me they were having trouble with her blood pressure.

The first time she detoxed back in 2002 it was what I can only describe as demonic.....just horrible.....how the mental health people can watch and care through this is process is angelic......sure takes special people to do it....

God saved her last wed night.....I sure hope she survives this....but it ain't no slam dunk....

Always faithful.....


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Loyal to a fault? No, I don't think so, but you may have been a bit blinded by love, hope, desires that you couldn't or wouldn't see what was being hidden from you. Also wanting everything to be good and happy for your wife without looking deep enough or far enough ahead. Although, from what I understand, addicts can be amazing Houdinis to hide their activities.

Many times, love needs to be hard. I don't mean difficult; I mean firm and unbending. When someone we love so messed up that they can't see what they need and therefore can't even want it, we may have to take actions that seem cruel and unloving. That may be difficult for you to do - as it is for many people. Keep in mind the end game: that you both remain/become healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally. When both people are strong enough on their own, then you can rebuild the relationship. You can't have a strong relationship while one of the people isn't able to contribute. During those times, the burden lies all on the other person to maintain it. Right now, that falls on you which is why it is so important and good to hear that you are also looking for and receiving guidance/support.

I just heard yesterday that loyalty if not 100% is nothing. So true. The implementation isn't always so easy...


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Gunslinger, detox is a horrible thing to watch, but the proverbial corner gets turned and things improve on that front. NorthernMama is right. Love and loyalty sometimes need to be tough and harsh. 

You need to be caring for your health. It will be very easy for your immune system to crack right now. Proper nutrition, enough rest and exercise. Stay strong in your faith and you'll know what to do when the time comes.

Still here for you:hug:


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I don't see it as to loyal either. See it as admirable. You have promises to keep and are doing so. Yes you have to be mindful of your own health, you seem to be facing that very well. Detox can be rough and hard to see. Right now she is what's called ' dope sick' takes c awhile but she is in a place that can manage it. As she comes through withdrawals, her head will be clearer and the mental parts of addiction can be addressed. May want to check out an Ala-anon meeting for yourself. Check the web for more information.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Gunslinger, you know I'm not a believer as you are but something that has worked well for me in tough situations is to walk. I will walk for hours away from home until I begin to tire. That is when I turn and head back. All the brain noise seems to subside and what remains is clarity of thought.


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## anndankev (Aug 9, 2010)

I was in a marriage for 39 years with a man who was an abusive, controlling, alcoholic, drug addict (I thought former for a long time).

I did not know anything about such relationships. It was a form of brainwashing. At the beginning it was like he hated everything in the world except me, later he hated me and liked everything else. 

He occasionally threatened suicide, in the beginning I believed him. Even not very often, spread over 40 years it became old hat. But I did believe he might kill me, and wished me dead. I confided such to my sister so that in the event of my death he would be scrutinized.

I had tried to leave him, get him to leave, and/or separate when our son was about 12 years old and I perceived that he was beginning to treat him worse than he treated me. Unsuccessfully. 

I went to a therapist for about a year in 2000-2001, told the Dr. I was there to try to help the people around me. He never divulged to me his diagnosis. I know now that I also had a problem, traumatic stress.

When he was disabled, left an amputee among other things, in a motorcycle accident in 2004 I realized that I could never leave him. I thought to myself what would people think if I were to leave him in such a physical state. I know now that it was because of what _I_ would think of leaving my long-time spouse in such a disabled state with little other options. That is when I truly became a victim of Learned Helplessness. 

I never tried again after the accident. He died a little over 2 years ago. After about a year I was able to get insurance and started getting medical and psychological help.

Sometimes I write down little stories of happenings. I have posted some in a Saloon thread titled Men/husband Rant. 

Here is another I wrote about 2 months ago after reading about a near shooting, and filed in my medical folder.



> It happens that I was nearly accidently shot by my husband once also. Lucky I was not killed.
> 
> In 1999 I was attempting to get him to move out of the house as a trial separation. He wanted to take a family vacation to see if resolution could be found in family time. He chose Michigan, said he always wanted to see the Mackinaw Bridge and go on a boat tour of the Pictured Rocks.
> 
> ...


Possibly I should send this as a PM to you so as not to derail your thread, but it is already typed here.

Please do take care of yourself. Know that you are not alone. Do your best to help your wife; however, take care not to fall overboard.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Ann, that was very powerful- thank you so much for sharing it with us. I am sorry you lived through that, but I am glad you have gotten therapy and are working through it. I too am no stranger to an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who was truly damaged. 

GS, take care of yourself and continue to see a counselor, having someone walk you through what you are feeling so you can ask yourself the right questions is crucial to YOUR survival. I would also suggest that you pick up some reading about Co-Dependent relationships, as they are extremely common in cases where one spouse has an addiction issue- ask your counselor for good suggestions. Here is a link to a brief overview of co-dependence.


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## Rebelwithacause (Aug 7, 2013)

Gunslinger-- I'm so sorry for you right now. I had no idea, and tears filled my eyes when I read your update. You and your DW are _both_ in my prayers. I know firsthand what depression, addiction and suicide can do to a family and a marriage. If you ever need to talk, please let me know.

One of my favorite verses:

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

I'm much improved. I moved her today for a 28 day program. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Another step on the road.


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

I am praying for you daily. It is an honor to meet the needs of others, especially those in the Lamb's Book of Life.
* Galatians 6:2New International Version (NIV)*

2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I do not think you are loyal to a fault--I think you love this woman, and it shows. You are an amazing, strong person. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. DW is in my thoughts, and will remain there <3

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. Stay strong.


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## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14. I shared that verse with a friend who was having a rough time a while back and it really helped her. I love it both because of what it says and how it was brought to my attention, a couple summers ago at camp another staff had a crazy cabin and she was super stressed, out of the blue one of her troublesome (though not intentionally so, just really high energy) campers came up to her and showed her that verse saying she thought it's help her. She walked into the lodge set her Bible down and had the biggest smile on her face as she told me about it, it was the first time I saw her really smile since the kids got dropped off.


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and he heard me. He set me free from all my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear him, and he rescues them. 
_Psalm 34:4-7 NLT_​


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## SaddleUp158 (Dec 26, 2008)

Praying for you!


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

Still praying for you and your missus.


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## RegalCharm (Jul 24, 2008)

GS just read your posts this morning.
I do hope that everything works out for you and your wife. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife. May God Bless and comfort you both in his arms.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Bump for Gunslinger. Still thinking of yall.


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## Oreos Girl (May 24, 2011)

I just found this GS. I don't have any experiences and therefore no real advice, but I do want you to know I will be thinking of you and hope that each day is a little easier than the previous one.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Thanks everyone. DW is in day 3 of the 28 day program....I can't talk to her or see her till Sunday.

I did talk to her case worker and she's past the detox and starting to participate in group therapy. She said she's already appearing happier....all good news.

I've opened my soul and had a good hard look.....and see many places I need to improve.

Those still praying....ask god to give me more patience...and ask god to help me think before I speak......I've already asked him to forgive me for the hurtful words I've said and the frustration I've felt. Ask him to help me love her the way she is.....

I realize I've got to change the way I think.....and after all these years.....that won't be easy......but I know what I have to do......

As for me.....I still have some anxiety from time to time but I'm better every day.....and still counting my blessings...

One day at a time.....

Always faithful.


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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

gunslinger said:


> Ask him to help me love her the way she is.....


I just found this thread, and my heart breaks for your situation. I pray you are finding the support for your own healing journey not only with religion and family and friends, but in professionals.

The above statement jumped out at me, as I feel your love for your wife is beyond obvious.. but we can love someone and still not like the place they are currently in. Don't confuse your wanting what is best for your wife (rehab, living clean) as not loving her as she is.

There is a fine line between loving support and enabling. Several people have suggested finding a group such as Al-anon.. I think that might help you put things in perspective.

:hug:


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

I too just found this thread, and I am so sorry to hear of all the suffering you are enduring. It is a tough road you are traveling, and a different road right now than your DW. 

You are very brave and strong to share this bad place with us, and we are here to help in any way we can. 

Accepting someone as there are is very important, and very hard. We want the best for those we love, and it is so very difficult to watch those we love fall. 

I pray for both of you the continued strenth you need.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

AnitaAnne said:


> You are very brave and strong to share this bad place with us, and we are here to help in any way we can.


AnitaAnne.....I believe one day I'll stand before god as the book of life is read. We can live in the light of day or the dark of night but at the end of time all is reveled. 

I feel like I'm a pretty good man but yet, I didn't start that way and frankly I can be a better man......I'll never be perfect. Like all men....I have faults. (Just ask any woman) LOL....

So, I walk through the fire.....to be cleansed and forgiven. God has a plan and right now I think his plan is to bring me closer to him, to prepare me for that time when he decides whether or not I'm a keeper.

Job was tested....lost it all....remained faithful and was restored 10 time over.

I got a second chance......and with it a calling.....god slapped me up side the head and said......work on yourself...while I work on your wife.

Let me tell you....god has a good left hook but watch his right cross.....

I have a marriage of 30 years and was looking toward retirement.....as I awoke this morning I see things are still in place and I'm really only set back a year or so. Still that may or may not be gods plan....and like Job, if he decides to test me by taking everything then I'll follow his lead and wait to be restored.

I don't think that's his plan.....but....the old saying goes.."Men plan and god laughs."

One day at a time....

Always faithful.


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## Eagle Child (Jan 19, 2012)

I echo what our friends here are saying about Al-anon. They really do help the spouse, too. 

And co-dependent, oh, yes. My counselor's most basic definition which has always stuck with me and helped me the most is this-- 

the perception that _I_ am the one responsible for someone else's happiness, not them. 

That feeling responsible can be either one of two extremes, either walking on eggshells to keep them "happy" or from blowing up (which was me) or feeling we must control every aspect of their life (which was my husband). Not putting you in that box, just sharing my road. 

Praying for you both. So hard, but so good that you and she both are seeking the help you need. (((more hugs))) 

Brokenness is what Jesus died for, is it not? Continuing to bring it to Jesus. He's our hope.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Eagle Child said:


> I echo what our friends here are saying about Al-anon. They really do help the spouse, too.
> 
> And co-dependent, oh, yes. My counselor's most basic definition which has always stuck with me and helped me the most is this--
> 
> ...


I have visitation with my wife Sunday afternoon and there is an Al-anon meeting an hour afterward. I'll be there. Church tomorrow morning....

Co-dependency.....I know I struggle with this to a degree. I know I can't make her happy, and I know things can't make her happy. I've tried both of what you've described....walking on egg shells.....and blowing up....that's why I pray for patience and help with my anger and frustration.

She quit her job in 2007 and basically gave me control....Frankly, I've told her at times, that I though she was going through a second child hood as so many things she did appeared to come from a child's perspective rather than an adult.

I've been blogging here.....and also keeping a journal each day as a review of my thoughts....

Her son died in 2007....that's when I think the depression and return to alcohol started.....she loved him so much.....I really tried to get her to snap out of it....and that's why we have the horses.....and they helped for awhile....but really prolonged the situation, looking back on it.

So your right.....nothing of this world can make her happy or unhappy. I put a lot of pressure on her to change....I begged her to live healthy so we can enjoy the time we have left....told her these were supposed to be our golden years.....and assured her we have the best of times yet to come....I think maybe she's afraid of getting old.....I was a drill Sargent with her smoking.....maybe over the top....I knew she was drinking but I thought it was just on occasion....I questioned her about it when her speech was slurred and she always denied it....even when I told her I knew...and asked her if she thought I was stupid.....yet I didn't see the depth of the problem....and just ignored it as best I could...I guess...until it became apparent...that her health was failing her......and that's when I made a doctors appointment....and insisted she was going....and I went with her.....well, she lied to the doctor too....No...no alcohol....only one cigarette a month....this is such a deceptive disease.

We always watched the rose parade together....she's loved it and I've told her one day we're going to go......She's wanted to see the Grand Canyon.....and I've talked about a day coming when we're going to do that....I asked her what is was she wanted to do.....what's on her bucket list.....and she doesn't have one...or she hasn't told me anything she wanted to do....

I told her when she got out of rehab that I had a surprise for her.....that I was taking her on a vacation....we're going to lay on the beach....pig out on gulf shrimp....and watch the sunset.....

So, the greatest things in the world are Faith, Hope and love.....

One day at a time......

Always faithful.....


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## That Friesian (Jan 15, 2015)

whats happening


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

I'm reading this this morning after a long stint of not being able to catch up on posts and wishing I had taken the time before. 
I'm praying for you as well as your wife and the people helping take care of her. 
There will be many many hard times still I am sure, but your strength and love for her will be a bridge to help her walk into a new life- if she can take the steps. You can hold her hand, but no one can walk a path unless they have the wand to and internal strength to do so. 
I will pray until I can change those prayers to praises.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

I have been thinking and praying about your situation today. 

The Serenity prayer came into my mind. 

I hear the faith, hope and courage you are displaying to continue on with whatever is thrown in your path, while still planning on the golden years. 

I too, had dreams and plans for the golden years. Although my situation is not the same as yours, I have had to "reinvent myself" several times, and not of my chosing. The economy, the collapse of a 23yr marriage, the loss of my dearest daughter. 

From these things I have learned that although I have lost that beautiful "golden years dream" I had started weaving years ago before my marriage, it is ok. 

Yes, my life has drastically changed, maybe better, maybe worse, but it is ok. I have buried the dream and now try to live my life and the people in it just as they are in the present. Because I now know, I may not have them in my future. 

It's ok, for it is so true, Men plan and God laughs. We still must continue to plan, some will work, some won't. 

Yes, that is when we understand the Serenity Prayer. 

_God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to tell the difference._ 

I'm still working on it. 

One last thing before I say goodnight, while you are researching stuff, look up "passive-aggressive" behavior.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

phantomhorse13 said:


> There is a fine line between loving support and enabling. Several people have suggested finding a group such as Al-anon.. I think that might help you put things in perspective.
> :hug:



When I ask you pray for me to love her as she is....I mean....help me love her regardless of how broken she is as love, IMO, is a personal sacrifice for others.....patience, understanding....commitment...

Three commands directly from Jesus......

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.", 'Love your neighbor as yourself." and finally,* "**This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.*"

Love is unconditional. Christ loves us unconditionally. Love is giving of ones self for others....without any expectation of repayment or reward.

So, I got to visit with DW this afternoon.....she's a train wreck but she's found a way to admit it.....asked me if I found the bottles.....when I told her no she told me where they were.....and asked me to pour them out....she told me she was tired of living the lies.....Hallelujah! A small victory I know, but none the less....still, score one for the home team....

She's on a cocktail of 28 different drugs....she feels like hell. Still having blood pressure issues....vertigo and balance issues.... She told me....this was a good place where she's at.....and she's been happier there than she has been in years. She's talking about her problems and opening up about her issues.......Which makes me even more hopeful. She told me she missed her horses...and asked me to bring her some pictures of our trail rides....

I went to my first al-anon meeting tonight....and plan to make a few more.....I have another appointment with the head shrinker on Thursday..... 

I guess I better explain to him that when I told him I saw the gates of hell and looked the devil in the eye....it was figurative....not literal.....meaning....I was at the depth of dis-pare......It's been a long couple of weeks....I think the shock is going away....and I know....everything is going to be alright......

One day at a time......

Always faithful.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Glad you went to the meeting and plan more. Very glad to hear she is in a good place. As they get medications straightened out they she will start to feel better. Her asking to dump bottles is a great sign. Not only that she doesn't want them, but actively making plans to help her sobriety is a big step.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

My prayer and hope for you is that you have someone close to you that you believe in that can give you a hug and tell you that it will all work out and that it will be okay, because it will be.


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## Rebelwithacause (Aug 7, 2013)

GS- thinking about you and still praying for you!


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Gunslinger BIG hug! You're doing great and I'm so relieved that she seems to be at her turning point. I know you're aware that the battle isn't over. Stay strong. Keep the updates coming. We're always here.:hug:


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## anndankev (Aug 9, 2010)

Good morning, hope you have a good day.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Blue said:


> Gunslinger BIG hug! You're doing great and I'm so relieved that she seems to be at her turning point. I know you're aware that the battle isn't over. Stay strong. Keep the updates coming. We're always here.:hug:


You are right....the battle may have turned but she's now dealing with a multitude of health issues related to years of abuse.

She gets a 10 minute phone call once a day.....and called this morning wanting me to bring her some blouses......mentioned the dt's were back and she's going to see the doctor shortly.....she has something wrong with her blood.....haven't heard anymore about that.....yet...she's still very, very ill.....

I told her I hope she lives though it and she told me she would....that's she's strong enough.....

I also told her if she could see the same things I see in her she'd be sitting on the top of the world.....and when I saw her walk into the room yesterday.....well...my heart still flutters.....Paul tell us what love is in 1 Corinthians....

*1*If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. *2*If I have _the gift of_ prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. *3*And if I give all my possessions to feed _the poor,_ and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. *4*Love is patient, love is kind _and_ is not jealous; love does not brag _and_ is not arrogant, *5*does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, *does not take into account a wrong *_*suffered*,_ *6*does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but r*ejoices with the truth; 7bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.*
*8*Love never fails; but if _there are gifts of_ prophecy, they will be done away; if _there are_ tongues, they will cease; if _there is_ knowledge, it will be done away. *9*For we know in part and we prophesy in part; *10*but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. *11*When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. *12*For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. *13**But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.*

One day at a time....

Always faithful


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

I have never seen that "Corinthians" (not terribly biblically literate). That is really beautiful.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Just seeing how you are doing.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Me too. I was thinking about you today. Hope all is well.


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## Eagle Child (Jan 19, 2012)

Gunslinger, you and your beloved are still in my prayers. I saw you went out riding, which is good for the inside of a man. 

I believe that I Corinthians 13 will carry you through this. Powerful, powerful words. Remember that when it speaks of love and charity and its attributes, in the original language it was speaking of agape'--God's love. We cannot love as we need or want to unless He is loving through us. Prayers for you and your wife to lean heavily upon Him for the love you need in the coming weeks and months. He's a rock and a refuge who can be leaned upon! I've found this to be so!


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Gunslinger, you and your wife are in my prayers. One day at a time, one hour, one minute. 

Lord, in every need let me come to You with humble trust saying, "Jesus, help me."
In all my doubts, perplexities, and temptations, Jesus, help me.
In hours of loneliness, weariness, and trials, Jesus, help me.
In the failure of my plans and hopes; in disappointments, troubles, and sorrows, Jesus, help me.
When others fail me and Your grace alone can assist me, help me.
When I throw myself on Your tender love as a father and savior, Jesus, help me.
When my heart is cast down by failure at seeing no good come from my efforts, Jesus, help me.
When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me, Jesus, help me.
When I am ill and my head and hands cannot work and I am lonely, Jesus, help me.
Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls, and shortcomings of every kind, Jesus, help me and never forsake me.
Amen.

And because we know that the Addict is addicted to their substance(s) and the families of the addicts are addicted to the Addict: 

O blessed Lord, you ministered to all who came to you: Look with compassion upon all who through addiction have lost their health and freedom. Restore to them the assurance of your unfailing mercy; remove from them the fears that beset them; strengthen them in the work of their recovery; and to those who care for them, give patient understanding and persevering love. Amen.

My prayer for both of you: 

Almighty God, our heavenly Father, who settest the solitary in families: We commend to thy continual care the homes in which thy people dwell. Put far from them, we beseech thee, every root of bitterness, the desire of vainglory, and the pride of life. Fill them with faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness. Knit together in constant affection those who, in holy wedlock, have been made one flesh. Turn the hearts of the parents to the children, and the hearts of the children to the parents; and so enkindle fervent charity among us all, that we may evermore be kindly affectioned one to another; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, 
and be gracious to you.
May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, 
and give you peace.


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## DimSum (Mar 28, 2012)

Blue said:


> Me too. I was thinking about you today. Hope all is well.


as was I, hoping things are sorting themselves out.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Thanks for thinking of me....and praying....

DW is slowly improving....still on almost 30 drugs....her blood pressure is still all over the place, and she's still depressed....she said she's still detoxing....wow...for over three weeks? She wants me to make her a dentist appointment so I guess that means she's thinking somewhat long term? I enjoy visiting with her....and she seems happy to see me too...the sad thing is her cell phone hasn't rang.....nor has she had any texts or emails......she was so alone.....and no one but me and my friends have missed her.....

As for me, I'm staying busy.....much to do around here with the three horses and the household chores.....plus, work has picked up, thank god.....

My anxiety has left me for the most part as my spiritual reset and closer walk with god has put me in a better frame of mind.....I still have a few moments from time to time but nothing like it was three weeks ago....

Last week, I made an Al-Anon meeting....an AA meeting, and had my second appointment with the head shrinker...church on sundays....and made my second al-anon meeting last night....I plan to make another Al-anon meeting tonight and AA on Tuesday and Thursday....next Friday I have a three day seminar at the rehab center....Friday...just me....DW joins on Saturday and Sunday.....scheduled another session with the shrink a couple of weeks out.....

I did ride Mister Jack with GF and the next door neighbor and his daughter Saturday.....the weather has been gray, cold and gloomy for the past three weeks but Saturday was beautiful and Mister Jack was perfect......I was so happy with him.....we both needed a stress free ride.......and saturday he gave me a relaxing ride.....he stayed calm and relaxed and didn't fight with me at all......

Missy....a couple of things about Paul......Paul wrote about half the new testament, 13 books....many while he was in prison.....he was a Pharisee...and the son of a Pharisee who was raised to hate gentiles...it's very possible he was there when Christ was crucified...He spoke three languages ..Jesus chose him to lead his church....The story of his conversion is remarkable.....and bears truth... that anything is possible through Christ.

One day at a time.......

Always faithful....


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

gunslinger said:


> Thanks for thinking of me....and praying....
> 
> DW is slowly improving....still on almost 30 drugs....her blood pressure is still all over the place, and she's still depressed....she said she's still detoxing....wow...for over three weeks?


GS, I don't remember where I learned this but when discussing an addict detoxing off of substances, I was told at one point that for at least 6 months they have not cleaned up enough to be truly thinking clearly and some it's more like a year before all the toxins have cleared the body and the brain is actually functioning on a truly detoxed level. And, when the detox itself has had to be started with many different drugs, it takes much longer to complete. The speaker was talking about drugs like anti-anxiety drugs, antidepressants, things like that, and while you may have detoxed the abused substances and cleared the system of those at some point then you have to clear the system of the drugs used to get through the detox period. Addiction is such an insidious disease process.

So, many prayers and prayers for patience coming your way.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Gunslinger, so glad you've had some positive days. That's so important. And dreamcatcher is right. Whether is alcohol, narcotics or nicotine it takes time for it to be removed from the body on a cellular (sp?) level. Bottom line is, it takes what it takes.

You sound much less stressed and that's a good thing. Hope you can keep the updates coming.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Gunslinger, you and your wife have been in my thoughts daily. I know this cannot be an easy struggle, but you are strong and you will get through this. 
Love and hugs from Colorado,
Jen


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

So glad to here things are improving! And, that you got a dose of the best medicine I know of - horses. 

I imagine it gives you strength to not just have a bible, but to know it so well. Count that as a blessing, for sure. Reading the bible wasn't encouraged in my household growing up, so reading it as an adult is ... a real challenge. Needless to say, there are few passages, if any, I could reach for. 

Before I was aware it was often used in AA or had faith, I thought the serenity prayer was so succinct and "said it all". You have demonstrated what it really "means".


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Missy May said:


> So glad to here things are improving! And, that you got a dose of the best medicine I know of - horses.
> 
> I imagine it gives you strength to not just have a bible, but to know it so well. Count that as a blessing, for sure. Reading the bible wasn't encouraged in my household growing up, so reading it as an adult is ... a real challenge. Needless to say, there are few passages, if any, I could reach for.
> 
> Before I was aware it was often used in AA or had faith, I thought the serenity prayer was so succinct and "said it all". You have demonstrated what it really "means".


Missy, I've been going to a different church lately....they have a different way of looking at things.....and they teach rather than preach.....it has so much depth....and looking from a historical point of view adds life experience to the bible...so they're not just stories.....

It's a wonderful place....it's a good place......and I'm happy god sent me there......


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## Sangria2 (Mar 29, 2014)

GS, I am so sorry that you are going through this. My daughter has battled addiction for the last 3 years, twice with the help of rehab. She is doing great now and we take it one day at a time.

God has given me the strength to get through this and while some may say, He doesn't put more on you than you can bear. Oh.. Yes He does, He does so that we learn to trust in Him, not ourselves, nor any man.

I am praying for you, and for your beloved wife, that your family is healed. That you find peace, joy & contentment in your lives. Wanted to share something with you, that has blessed me, I pray it blesses you also.

Malachi 3:3 says: ‘He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God …
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: ‘ He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.’
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, ‘How do you know when the silver is fully refined?’
He smiled at her and answered, ‘ Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it.’


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Gunslinger, so glad to see you have some positive things going on in your life right now too, horses sure do have a way of helping us heal. Sending prayers and good thoughts to you and your wife.


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## GreySorrel (Mar 5, 2012)

Just found your thread and will add you and your family in my thoughts. Stand tall and hang tough


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Gunslinger, my bro's girlfriend has a daughter who is in her 30's and was badly addicted to various substances. Her mother decided to devote her energies to help her get clean but didn't recognize that she didn't have the skills. The daughter tried and would do better for a few weeks but always a relapse. Finally she was put in a facility that dealt with addictions. A year later she is still there. The brain keeps telling addicts it needs more. It never goes away, it's about how well the addict can deal with it.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Gunslinger, you are a very lucky man, your wife's disease is curable, you have a shot at growing very old together. You are doing all the right things, everything is fixable & healable, you are very, very lucky.


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