# An American thoroughbred in Europe



## DanteDressageNerd

I am starting a new chapter in my life, so I think it is time to start a new journal.

I have officially moved to Denmark, it feels like home to me and I am very anxious to see Wonder again. I think the estimate is he'll come to Denmark in about 4 weeks. I have already found a stable to keep him at which is lovely. They have a good indoor and outdoor school, large boxes with windows, all day turnout, good food and a whole lot of trails. I think Wonder will be very happy. We will also have access to a dressage trainer who was on the Danish national team, so I am very excited about that and to continue our education. We will have access to a lot of excellent trainers in Denmark which I'm very excited about. I'm also happy that at the stable, the people are pretty laid back and nice, so I think Wonder will be very happy with that. He doesn't like uptight people who try to control or micromanage him but is well behaved and quite pleasant when treated with respect and fairness. He is not a warmblood, he won't tolerate what a warmblood will. 

I am working on my Danish, it is quite a tricky language to learn. Sentence structure and pronunciation are different. It will be a process to learn but absolutely necessary. It also gets frustrating because a lot of my German is coming back to me, so I'll think of something in German rather than in Danish. It is also interesting because I had a DNA test and I am 70% scandinavian. The remainder is German, Dutch, some french, welsh and british and I think 1% jewish. It is interesting because I was always told Im German but it makes sense because the part of Germany my family is from was apart of Denmark for a long time before it became a part of Germany. I've also been told I don't look German, I look Scandinavian so that could be Swedish, Danish, Finnish or Norwegian *Shrugs* it doesn't really matter. But the Danes say my nature is very Danish and they can't see the German :lol: *shrugs* I don't know.

For those who don't know me, a little background. I am a former active duty Marine. I was a computer science major and have a large variety of interests. I have studied economics, philosophy, ethics, theology, anthropology, history, physics, mathematics, psychology, neuroscience, biology, genetics, paleontology, communications, law, etc if it interests me I study it. I study things from good variety of angles to get the clearest picture I can. I have aspergers, so life has been interesting. I don't process like other people, I simply don't. I see the world in terms of senses, feeling, sensation and pictures so when I speak, write, etc I have to translate the experience to words. I feel no shame about being autistic, some people may not like me for characteristics it gives me but I've stopped caring about that. People will judge, be unfair and make judgments without bothering to try to understand or seeing what is true. People want to see what they see. They dont really care about truth or fairness or at least that has been my experience. The more educated you are, the more I think you're meant to hide it because people find it very threatening for some reason. I don't get it but that is my experience, even if you are polite, open and not rude people are threatened. 

I've also struggled with depression, anxiety and ADHD. They've complicated my life but have overall made me stronger. I don't like talking or writing about it much. I feel no shame in talking about it but people hear a label and make so many preconceived, unfair notions based on a label. I've learned when you talk about those matters, people see you as the label rather than you as an individual. I think most people are lazy in their mind and so they'd rather categorize and group people quickly or try to see picture in black and white, rather than to see people as individuals or see pictures as they are. I don't process the written word in term of instruction, I'm a visual learner. 

I have ridden for 17 years. I have been a working student on multiple occasions, worked with olympic riders, BHSI trainers, CDI FEI judges, GP riders, etc, etc. My background is as an eventer. I did that until I was 17 years old and stopped 10 years ago. I have also worked with natural horsemanship, saddleseat, carriage driving, reining, etc trainers because I believe being well rounded is very important as a horseman. I pride myself in my ground work and horsemanship. That is a skill I've worked very hard to develop and I feel being autistic gives me an advantage in that department because I work best with very anxious, nervous, sensitive horses. I like a VERY VERY hot horse, so my favorite breeds are thoroughbreds and saddlebreds. I get along with pure arabs but have not had good experiences with arab crosses. I work with them fine but not my favorite. I've worked with PREs, morgans, friesians and friesian crosses, a wide variety of warmbloods, drafts and draft crosses, lots of ottbs, halflingers, ponies, quarter horses, cobs, gypsey vanners, etc. I feel like I've ridden every type, maybe not true but it feels like that. Every type is a very different ride and requires a different approach and technique requiring a rider to be very adjustable and tactful. Training horses with less than ideal conformation, depending on what conformational difficulty they have requires different methods and takes time. So it annoys me when people want a perfect picture the instant you sit on a horse and dont understand that getting that correct, perfect picture takes time, especially with incorrect conformation or a different background. It is so easy with correct conformation, much harder with a non purpose bred. I spent a good amount of time breaking horses as well, have also raised babies from birth to breaking and beyond. Most the horses I worked with for many years were problem children. The horses that reared, bolted, bucked, were naughty, too hot etc and it was interesting because most horses I could fix all those problems on and never have a problem or someone would say oh this horse is SO SO hot and naughty, etc and it would try something once or twice and I'd never have a problem but someone else would get on and I'd have to start all over again with it. I'm also pretty used to riding temperamental horses and just riding through their temper tantrums. I had a mare who would get very fussy about being corrected because she thought she knew everything lol. I don't know I feel you become more humble and patient, the more horses you work with. I've ridden hundreds of horses and worked with I don't even know. I rode 6 a day for a while. I've schooled to PSG and I1, some GP but I am NOT a GP rider at all. I could never produce one by myself. I also have not shown very much due to not having much money. I pay for my horses health, happinesss and for our education. I would love to show but it is so expensive. Fortunately it is cheaper here in Denmark than in the US.

My GP prospect and ottb. He came off of the racetrack on 24 June 2017. A little background on him. He is 17h, was a classic distance horse. He didn't do well in sprints. For a long time I would say he was the hottest, most powerful I've ever ridden in my life and I've ridden some VERY nice, very powerful 18+h warmbloods. Wonder is something else. During winter and spring he needed to be ridden 2hrs a day 6 days a week. I'd have to ride him for 45min before a lesson or it was a waste of time. I had to run him into the wall at least 10x a ride for a long time because he'd just run through my core. I've strained core muscles on him. I remember in the trot he tried running off so I sat and kept my core very still and he literally took hold of the bit and pulled me up onto his neck. I also could not hold a whip when handling him at all, so did a TON of desensitization and natural horsemanship, Warrick Schiller type stuff. It helped a lot. He has come down quite a bit and is happiest around hot, like minded horses. I've put people on him where he would stand in the center of the arena and refuse to be ridden, he didn't care if they had their bronze or silver medal. He was like your thoughts and emotions aren't clear, so I simply cant. He's very sensitive. I could never tell who he would go for and who he would't. If someone doesn't have instinctual, natural feel he won't go forward. There is a mental block or he'll bolt. Can't be pressured or micromanaged but quite possibly the smartest horse I have ever ridden, trained or worked with. I've never met a horse like him and anyone whose worked with him has said the same thing. But during winter it was like trying to ride a 5 gaited saddlebred with the fireworks being shot at his butt. He was so tense, even standing next to him in the cross ties. You could feel the intensity radiate off of him. He's come down and I hope doesn't get that intense because he was quite tight and difficult to work with and I don't think I'll have that kind of time to work with him.










Fancy warmblood mare, I own her atm. I knew her since she was born, did some of the raising and broke her. This is her 3mo broke





Layla, not the easiest. She is pretty temperamental, opinionated but once she breaks through the hard stuff. She's downhill and weaker behind, so basically I'm convincing her to follow my seat, come back to me and sit a lot. She tries to take control of the ride, so a lot of it is convincing her to trust me and let me ride her. I don't hold them in this kind of collected work for a long time. Literally the length of the video then long rein and 5min walk to let the muscles relax. It is tense when training this. You would be too, it's like holding yoga poses to a deeper degree and upping the level of pose and length of time you can hold that pose. Or like being a ballerina. 





She likes to grab hold of the left rein, so it's a lot of getting her to release that. I think her saddle is pinching her in the wither when she comes over her back because when her saddle was freshly fitted she didn't do that. Darn dressage horses change shape all the time. In Europe they'd just say ride though it. We have no prima donnas, she has to get over it. Half pass work starts around 2:30. Had to put a half pass on to help her supple and figure out how to use her rib cage and follow the rider, rather than take control. It also took a while to develop suspension in her trot and more will come in time.





Jimmy 15.1h half arab





15h 3yr old morgan filly


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## QtrBel

Looking forward to reading your journal as your journey progresses!


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## jaydee

Good luck with your new life in Denmark.


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## DanteDressageNerd

QrtBel- Thank you. I can't wait for him to come home to me. It is quite a nice stable where he will be staying!
_________

Jaydee- Thank you. I love it here in Denmark. It's my home and I fit here. I'm really anxious to take more lessons. I lived here for about 3 months working for a former olympic trainer (I don't write the name because he's very private), he taught me a lot of in hand, ground work and undersaddle stuff. Brilliant horseman. He taught his son's pony to sit and wave :lol:
_________

Unfortunately Wonder will not be coming to Denmark until September 29th. I'm quite sad it's a few past what I thought. I already miss him so much. However with my broken wrist there isn't much I could do with him anyways if he were here now. 

A bit of Wonder's personality. He cracks me up. I don't have it on video but similar to this where I tell him to put his foot down and he has his foot cocked and I tell him to put it all the way down and he glares at me and set his foot all the way down :lol: he also used to kick the wall when I'd go to the tack room and look at the tack room to see if I was looking. I had to treat him like a 3yr old and not pay attention when he'd kick the wall and he stopped. But he's funny.





Wonder playing in the field, one week off of the race track





Wonder on lunge line, Im patient with bringing him back. If you force it he has a little meltdown.










This was after a 2hr ride





This is more typical what Wonder is like. He is VERY VERY hot and strong. He takes a LOT of core. I also found out last month that he likes rear bell boots. He is a lot more confident with his hind end if he has rear bell boots on. Without them he doesn't step so powerfully behind. He is also SUPER hard to sit. His gaits are HUGE and HUGELY powerful. I've literally ridden 18+h warmbloods that are high quality that don't have half of his power. And you can't just move his body over or just get it, it has to be gradual. Ask for a little more and a little more bend or you'll just get fight. My trainer and most everyone describes him as a professional only type of ride. He's not naughty but he's very hard to organize and ride. He has a talent for collection. I had a friend who is quite a good rider, ridden lots of tricky horses, developed an arab for her bronze, silver and she was like jesus he doesn't ride anything like he looks. He's tough. I tried different techniques with my trainer to make him easier but as my trainer told me when I moved to Denmark. You NEED to find a way to take him with you because there is no way in hell you're going to find someone who can ride this horse. He's torn my core muscles because you have to be able to sit against him in your body or he is just go engine that will pull you in every direction. 






He takes everything I have to ride. It takes a TON of core to hold yourself from getting ran off with. 




He was very intense and tense this day, letting him just be results in bolting when he's like this. He's a very very hot horse.





The thing is I LOVE horses like this. He's SO SO smart and he is hard and he takes everything I have but with a good trainer I learn SO SO much with him. I'd rather struggle on this horse than have something straight forward and easy. I like something with an opinion and a mind. I will ask for less but eventually get so much more. This horse tries harder than any horse I know. The trainer I bought him from also said he was the 2nd hottest thoroughbred he's had in 30 years. He's his own horse.


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## lostastirrup

Excited to hear about the adventures. I was wondering when youd be back on HF after the move. Best of wishes getting bot of you settled


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## Tihannah

Glad you're getting settled. The apartment is adorable. I'm jealous. What a great experience this will be for you. I also hope it will be a better barn situation for Wonder. Happy to see you started a new journal for this as well. Are you going to be looking for a working student position over there or will you be too busy with school?


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## JoBlueQuarter

Happy to hear you're settling in well!! Definitely subbing!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Lostastirrup- Thank you I am anxious to see Wonder again! I miss him SO SO SO much. I feel terrible that the separation is longer than I promised him. When I was in Denmark working for the former olympian, I left Wonder for 94 days and I felt terrible about that. He heard my voice and came galloping up to me and stuck his head in my arms. My trainer said he wasn't the same while I was gone. He missed me. I remember last time I was in Denmark wonder would watch me drive away in my car for one week because he was worried I wouldn't come back. He's at a good place with people who are hot horse people (they have racing arabians), so he's with like minded horses and that comforts him a lot. Plus they handle spirited well. I just miss him.
___________

Tina- Thank you. I really like it here, it feels like home. It's so quiet and peaceful. Far enough away from the city to be nice. I hate cities. They stress me out :lol:
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JoBlueQuarter- Thank you. I am glad too. My wrist is still broken but other than that things are going pretty well!
___________

Chances are I won't be taking a working student position for a while. I'd be interested in one over summer but definitely not possible during the school year. I'm worried about having enough time for Wonder and my studies. The curriculum at a Danish university is different than an American university but more comprehensive, so I hope I do well. Need to meet study partners to help me train my brain squirrels. My major is economics and business administration which can be pretty difficult. I love and hate statistics and I'm SO SO out of practice with mathematics :lol: I'm embarrassed.

While here I have adopted a cat I have named Alma. It is a Danish name meaning kind and nurturing as Alma was a mother cat. She is very very sweet and kind, she loves cuddling and attention. She doesn't come home until Friday as she is being spayed on Thursday, so she will not get to go outside for at least two weeks. She is a dilute calico and very sweet  however there is sadness here too. Freja, the older cat that belongs to my landlords passed away last night :-( I was really sad to hear it but she was quite old. Doesn't make it any less sad though. She was a really sweet, good cat. I eat with them sometimes. I'm the only tenant. I'm out in the country which is nice. I can't live in the city, it is too stressful and there are SO SO many rules regarding cars in Denmark. They are VERY VERY expensive. Same car in US is double the price in DK. And there are so many ways to get fines and tickets. I didn't set this strange clock thing on the dashboard in the city and I was charged a 590dk or $92 ticket for that!! Also was a few km over the speed limit and got a ticket. It's crazy! You get tickets for being 1km over! It's crazy! I have been SO SO careful, reading up on traffic, bike and pedestrian laws, etc because I'm scared to go into the city with a car :lol: They are real sticklers for traffic laws. 

For the most part I think the Danes are MUCH more laid back than the Germans. From what I've experienced Danes are pretty common sense and very laid back. I get along with the Danes quite well, my family culture is very similar. They are much more friendly and helpful than Americans. Not to say every Dane is so polite but most are very polite. I haven't met many Danes I don't like or don't want to be friends with :lol: might be a problem as I'm terrible at keeping up with people and can't juggle too many friends at once. I'm easily overwhelmed.

I am hoping to have time and money for one or two lessons per week. Board is actually better here than in the US which is how I could justify shipping Wonder. The cost isn't so bad. It's not cheap but long term it'd be much more costly to keep him in the states. Plus I'd rather he were here with me and for us to go on adventures together. He's my heart horse, I've never been as attached to a horse as I am to Wonder.


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## lostastirrup

I always feel bad about similar things when I leave my pets at home in AK for a visit , they're so happy to see me and want everything to go back to normal. Ans they don't know when I get in the car that I'm disappearing for months. 
Though they are well looked after and very loved by my family. My horse less so... He rather enjoys his easy life without me, he's a good doer but rather standoffish, would rather get fat and flirt with the broodmares.

A friend of mine has a dilute calico as well, her name is missy and has incredibly soft fur, we call her the floor whale, as she flops around and swims across the floor. 

Alma also means "Soul" in spanish, I think it's a super beautiful name for a cat. Especially a sweet one. I'm a little jealous of you having a furry companion while in college, they are such a joy on rough study nights. 


If you've got a chance (don't worry if you don't, I get it). I've put a schooling video of Nick on under "dressage" I'd love it if you glanced at it.


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## PoptartShop

Glad to see you are starting a new journal.  I hope the end of September comes fast so you can see Wonder & have him home. 
The apartment looks so cute!  Glad to see you are settling in nicely.

Excited to follow this new journey!!!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Lostastirrup- That's so hard! I hate doing that to animals too because they remember and love us so much :-( it's hard to leave when they don't know and dont quite understand.

There are also advantages to having a horse who isn't so dependent on you. My one fear is if something were to happen to me, what would happen to Wonder. A guy at the barn in the US was a saddlebred and Clinton Anderson guy who absolutely loved Wonder. He'd have given Wonder a great home and Wonder loved him. He was 6'6ish and was an american football player, so he'd have probably drove Wonder. He had fun playing with Wonder after I broke my wrist. He did great with him. I tried for a while to make Wonder more amateur friendly and thought I succeeded until I put a bunch of different people on him and it didn't work out too well. He wasn't bad but he'd either bolt, stand in the arena and refuse to be ridden, throw himself upside down and fight or refuse to move. Every person said he's way harder than he looks. It was very disheartening. I had trouble getting anyone to ride him for a while, I asked some riders who were pretty good and ride quirky, difficult horses well and they laughed at me like he's more horse than I want to ride or Im intimidated to ride him and I never thought he was that bad. But a few people tried him but everyone really struggled on him. It was really frustrating, my trainer loved riding him but after riding him she was like Cassie you need to find a way to take him with you because you're not going to find someone who can ride this horse. I love him but I fear for him. I have to stay healthy for him. So while it's nice to have a horse who is really attached, it's also I think better for them to be a horse who is happy in a field or isnt in need of that one special person. The guy who Wonder liked and myself are drawn to the same type of horse but I guess it's why there are so many different types of people and different types of horses. The saddleseat people LOVED Wonder and he loved them too!

lol she sounds cute. I'd love having a "floor whale" cat. She sounds perfect 

Certainly. I have to have a cat in my life or I get very lonely. I went without pets in the Marine Corps and that was tough (overall a tough period of my life) but I can't do it again. Perhaps when you graduate you will feel the same, can't go without a house pet. A home feels so empty imo without a little furry critter to give it life. 

I should have time to look at and give some thoughts or ideas. It might take me time to put my thoughts together, so if I don't respond today I am putting together a response among other things I'm doing (I always do about ten things at once). But I'm happy to take a look 
___________

Allison- thank you. I really miss him but I know he's in good hands and I get regular updates. They own arabian racehorses, so they're really good with horses like Wonder. I knew it'd be fine when they came and picked him up personally. He liked them. He's on alfalfa and they said he's been pretty relaxed. Eating happily, night turnout, etc. Maybe 2 months off will be good for him? I dont know vet said he needs to stay in work for his stifles. He needs the muscular support. 

And thank you! My mom helped a TON because of my broken wrist. She went home yesterday. I built some things but was really limited in what I could do. I tried to help but then I'd have to sit out and felt terrible my mom did so much for me. I can never repay her for her kindness.

Also pictures from københavn


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## PoptartShop

I agree, yes! I think 2mos off will definitely be good for him, it may even calm him down a bit. He deserves the time off. I am sure he is loving all the alfalfa  Happy boy!! He will feel a lot better too.

I know you miss him though. But I do believe everything happens for a reason - like you cannot really do much anyway because of your wrist, so it makes sense for him not to come there just yet.

Love the photos. That is absolutely beautiful!!! And so sweet of your mom to help you.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Allison- Thank you. I sure hope he comes down some more. Last time I left and came back, he was a basket case and just super tense and intense all the time. And gradually came down but I hope he comes down more because when he's that intense he's so hard to get any kind of suppleness from and it rips my core muscles to ride him when he's that hot. He doesn't really like time off, he used to get into a lot of trouble. Like when he had his hoof abscess I still had to lunge him or he'd start doing stuff in his stall. Even with ace and turnout. I also tried in hand to work his brain but he just needed to go or he was like a kid hopped up on caffeine. It's a little overwhelming sometimes like you can feel his intensity and eagerness to work just standing still. He's not as bad as he was and truthfully being around saddleseat horses he was REALLY calm and at peace with life. So I wonder if he just wasnt happy at the dressage barn or there was an energy that made him anxious? I'm hoping in Denmark he'll be like he was at the saddleseat barn. 

I think you're right, everything happens for a reason and I hope he isn't too wired here in Denmark. But we'll have access to some beautiful trails and outdoor riding. They have a lovely cross country field not too far away I'd love to ride him on but without jumps. 

But thank you love it here! If you ever want to visit, let me know 
____________

A little history of the Wonder horse. Wonder was on the race track until he was 7. He is by Midnight Lute out of Bountempo by Cape Town. He's pretty well bred. He was a stallion until quite late. I thought he was gelded as a 5yr old but I think his papers say he was gelded at 6. He's 8 now. He has sort of ugly front legs because he reared up on a horse walker when he was 4, so he did quite a bit of rehab. He's so spirited, it doesn't surprise me at all that he'd get caught on a horse walker. He wasn't raced hard, I bought him off of the race track. His previous owner knew of Wonder's "special personality" so he turned down 8 or 9 different buyers before he said yes to me. He was so concerned Wonder would end up in the wrong hands and be abused. He took great care of Wonder and it honestly warms my heart that their are people on the race track who love their horses so much. He really loved his horses. 

Our story actually begins with Tina. I was helping her look for horses and went up and saw a horse for her. So I started looking at ottbs hoping maybe something would come along and I saw Wonder's ad. I thought I'd never seen a thoroughbred that could sit like that. He's actually pretty well built. And he kept coming up in mind, I was scared because I had another horse. My fancy wb mare I had saved for. But I made the call to the owner and said, I'd like to see him on Monday. We set up a time and then I waited and his name is WontUAlwaysWonder. So I was like dang it and called back and said actually could I see him tomorrow morning (Friday) and I went down to the race track. He was an hour away and I thought well I can look, it doesn't mean I have to take him home. Then I saw him move and I thought that horse has some potential but I dont need a 2nd horse, even for a retraining project. Then I handled him, groomed him and was like dam it. He stuck his head in my arms and I told the owner let's vet him on Monday. I thought this horse has been on the track for 5 years there is no way he'll have clean x rays. His x rays were all clean. I made an offer and Wonder came home that weekend. Then for a while I could do anything with him and he was scared of everyone else. I could carry a whip when handling him but anyone else did and he'd pull loose, no matter how skilled a handler they were. 

This horse is the reason I ended up in Denmark at all. Without him I wouldn't have moved my mare to the lady who put me in contact with the opportunity to go to Denmark. This trainer and I are still good friends and I worked for her for a bit, she's a pretty amazing person and I am so thankful for her kindness. She helped Wonder and I a lot. She's a certified parelli instructor and also had world titles with morgans in saddle seat, western, halter, driving, etc. So she had a lot of ideas for things but anyways I was hesitant to apply, I have 2 horses what am I going to do with them while I'm away? But I applied, didn't expect to get it and they said cool I'll see you in 3 weeks...okay. 

Also note these vids of the early rides were when it was very hot outside, he's alot more relaxed when it's hot. Where we were it is MISERABLY hot and humid.

Wonder 4 rides off of the race track





2 weeks dressage training





4 weeks dressage training





8 weeks dressage training





January





February 2018 he basically sat while I was in Denmark, so this was a few weeks back to work. I had put on 10lbs in Denmark and a strong seat, I had to really tone back my seat. My trainer was like WTF did they do to you, you had such quiet hands and seat. I also found in hand work tended to make him artificially light in the bridle and break wrong in the neck, so I did a lot less in hand work with him. I still do in hand work but I changed how I did it and what I focused on. 





Here I had to drop the whip because if he saw it move he'd kick out or take off





March





May. It's my fault first part he became a little irregular, I was trying to create more expression like I would on a warmblood and learned that doesn't work on him. I need to ride him more like a saddlebred and think of speeding up the hind legs, slowing down the front legs. 






Just so you know he's a big mama's boy









This is absolutely my favorite horse in the world.

I found a saddle fitter because truthfully his saddle is too tight atm. It's pretty heavily flocked in front because it was too wide but last time he had the saddle on he had dry spots in the center of his withers which is where he lifts quite a bit in his back. He has a TON of back movement which is why he's so hard to sit and sadly more tricky to fit than you'd think. His back shape standing is totally different to him in motion.


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## Dragoon

Just a crazy question from someone who is relatively inexperienced...how does all that energy and pulling you around mean he has potential for dressage? It looks like you are getting quite the workout during your rides!

When I see dressage tests on YouTube, the riders barely move?

I read all your posts because he is sooo beautiful!!

Your kitty is very cute, too! I hope she becomes a good companion to you while you study!


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## DanteDressageNerd

It's not all his energy or pulling me around that makes him have potential but all that power and energy once harnessed and channeled will be quite spectacular down the road. In terms of dressage Wonder is very green. It's going to be a few years before he's what he needs to be. He's the sort of horse that would do quite poorly at the low levels but will do better at the high levels once there (partially his mechanics and what judges are looking for low level vs high level). This horse is not naturally supple or elastic, it will take quite a bit of training and time to develop that as well as relaxation which most horses have a much higher degree of naturally than he does but they can't sit or come from behind like he can. He's also not a "high quality" purpose bred horse.

He takes everything I have to ride but as I said I'd rather struggle on him and learn all that I can than have continued my journey with my mare who would make it all look easy. Though a lot of upper level horses are difficult. The professionals wont post videos of the fights or struggles on youtube, there would be a lot of know it alls saying how they could do it better and misunderstand the situation or just rudeness from chair experts. I've seen quite a bit at the "high end" barns but you will never see that on youtube. How someone rides in the show ring or warm up ring isnt necessarily how they ride at home or how they ride when developing a horse, especially one this green. There are quite a few horses professionals dont take out until after PSG because the horse is too inconsistent, difficult or whatever. Those top riders are obviously way way better than I am but they struggle too. That is one thing I think that is eye opening when you go to a high caliber barn you see everyone, even olympians and world champions struggle and have difficult horses or days that are quite rough. It's just apart of it. And it's hard. There is also a difference between sitting on a horse with a lot of back movement and one that doesn't have a lot of back movement, I've ridden horses with huge leg movement that don't have that much back movement even when over their back and engaged. Wonder is insanely powerful, he takes so much core to ride. He's not the sort of horse that will make a rider look good but he is the sort of horse a rider can learn a lot from. That's a choice I made. I'd rather struggle with him and get to GP than have my mare who I could probably get my bronze and silver on and do the young horse materiale classes with and have her make me look good. But she's not a GP prospect and I wouldn't get the education on her that I'd get on him and I don't enjoy riding her like I do Wonder. 

Some difficult mounts but you won't see the struggle. I know the 1st horse, I've seen him in life and Hubertus actually told the owners he wasn't interested in showing the horse anymore because he felt his life was in danger when he rode him. They fixed it but it took time


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## Fimargue

Nice to hear you're enjoying Denmark! You really do fit right in, I told you earlier you look Finnish.

Hopefully absolutely nothing is to happen to you, but he would have at least one person quite happy take him here. I hope I can come to visit you at some point. I miss home too.

Alma is also a Finnish name, my mum had a Shar Pei dog by the name. She was something else, but sadly had to be put down at the age of three...  

Your Alma is very beautiful.


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## lostastirrup

I don't think I'd actually known the whole story on him. He's quite the creature. It's so lovely when you know they're "the one". Nick was vetted by someone else, and I went "****! There goes my savings!"

I wonder actually if he will settle at the Arab racing place. A LOT of attitude seems to come from environment, excited horses will not be unexcited, but they do settle and channel themselves better when they feel safe and happy and well looked after. 

I bet he'll do incredible in Denmark. Looking forward to seeing the adventures. If he can handle the trail horse life- take advantage of it, scenery is better viewed from the saddle


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## gottatrot

Great new journal. Love the pictures and videos.
I really like how you analyze your horses and riding, and how you'd rather have a horse to learn from even if it is much more difficult. I'm the same way. With the hotter horses I've heard from a lot of people who oversimplify things: they believe it's the rider making the horse excitable and if the rider could just be calm or have a calm seat, the horse would settle. Some of these horses have energy and reactiveness in spades, even with the best rider! I understand how you have to ride the horse constantly and manage the energy, and ask for enough but not too much, and discover what will allow the horse to work and not just take off or blow. I'm glad Wonder has you.

I also see the potential you see. I've looked at many off track TBs and I've never seen one that moved like him right off the track. He had so much connection, balance and fluidity already. Even my friend's OTTB who is very well balanced and talented now was crooked and had difficulty connecting her front and hind end for the first several months of solid work. My own TB was a complete mess physically and is barely in kindergarten of learning to use his body. Regardless, it's so rewarding to work with horses of all kinds. 
I've also observed many trainers and good riders struggling with horses behind the scenes. I appreciate the honesty about how some horses are just very difficult. No, these horses are not appreciated by everyone, but it is helpful to understand that difficult does not mean a horse is insane or needs to be put out to pasture. Sometimes they just need a very good rider and a whole lot of sympathetic (and athletic) work.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Firmargue- I think so. I know I don't look Danish but I've actually been told by Danes that I look Finnish too. I had forgotten that you're Scandinavian.

Sure you can visit sometime and hopefully Wonder is here by then too, if you want to meet him. He's a really sweet boy, he's a Wonder. 

3 is very young, I'm sorry to hear that :-( I may end up changing her name to something else, I'm not sure that's the name for her or not. It's a beautiful name but I'm pretty picky with names and want to make sure it fits correctly.
___________

Lostastirrup- lol I entirely understand. When you have that certain feeling, sometimes you just have to take a risk and go for it. And you never look back!

Definitely! Environment makes a big difference but interestingly he's actually a lot more at peace around hot horses. He was really content at the saddleseat barn and he was surrounded by a 5 gaited saddlebred and a former champion saddleseat morgan. He got along with both horses and was quiet with a more relaxed eye than he ever had at the dressage barn, so I think he is more relaxed around the racing arabians than he is around dressage horses. Their energy matches. 

But thank you. I can't wait until he's here but it look like another 6 weeks or so :-( He's actually pretty good on hacks. I started him on it just walking on a loose rein but once I started doing trot sets with him he'd get amped up so I tried to go back to walking. He's pretty brave, we were out hacking when a truck sped by us with a flapping tarp. Wonder just started at it, watched it go by. Didn't tense or get edgy at all, just watched it with fascination and curiosity. He has bolted off with me in the field before which was honestly a little scary. I've never gone that fast on a horse before and I was an eventer rider who grew up riding on the mountains galloping bareback in a halter up and down hills, etc. He leaped in the air, jumped over small fences, etc. I never lost a stirrup or came close to coming off because I went full event rider mode. I was taught on the west coast, so I rode very defensively, a touch behind the motion and just went with the horse. My event horse had a MASSIVE jump, he was hard to stay with because he popped his back so hard over bigger fences. We did 3'3-3'6 before I stopped jumping. I've had a few moments where every person has asked how did you stay on and I'm like I was an event rider, I'm not sure those instincts or self preservation go away. I also grew up riding on mountains in Oregon and Washington state.
___________

gottatrot- Thank you and for seeing what I see. Training is a process and I think people expect immediate results and perfection, rather than appreciating the patience and time it takes to train a horse. I love the horse's themselves, so I never want to feel like I'm making them do something. I want it to feel like I'm asking and they accept. I entirely agree. I think sometimes people who haven't worked with a variety of horses oversimplify and think what goes for one horse works for all horses, rather than approaching each horse as an individual. For instance Wonder's "heat" seems to come from his eagerness and enthusiasm to work. He LOVES to work and has so much heart. I think it's too easy to write a horse off because he's challenging or there are a few extra steps in training than with a different horse. But I think heart, character and an independent mind are much more important than how easy and agreeable the horse is. I like a horse with a mind of their own, I think long term you get a much better, more willing and rewarding partner. I hate riding a horse that feels like a robot or like it needs to be micromanaged or pressured to do something. I like a ride to feel like a conversation between the horse and I.

You're absolutely right. It is SO rewarding to work with a horse that other people may not see the brilliance within but you keep believing and knowing what you feel in your heart soul and keep persevering. I remember after my first ride on Wonder I told my trainer, this horse is going to do the GP (and I never say that) at the time she thought I was crazy (she's a GP rider). But a few months later she said you know Cassie, I think you're right. I think Wonder will do the GP. A BHSI instructor, former international competitor, conformation expert and dressage judge actually liked Wonder better than my mare. He said of the two I think the mare will score better but Wonder will stay sounder and do the GP, he didnt think the mare could do the GP. He said Wonder can load his hind end a lot more and while he's not as flashy, he has better raw mechanics and truer-purer gaits. He said I think he could do the GP, maybe even be a small tour horse. And the olympic rider I worked for said he thought Wonder could do the GP. He said the mare had better paces but both horses are of quality. Wonder has a lot more heart and passion, from the first time I met him. I felt like he was telling me if you don't give up on me, I won't give up on you. And so far that seems to be true. 

But Wonder is interesting. On one hand a rider needs to be very soft and elastic on the other hand very strong and able to sit against him. He absolutely can't be held or fought with, I hold the reins between my index finger and thumb. When I half halt I close my fingers or if a horse isn't wanting to sit Ill close my fingers and hold my elbows into my body to help with the "sit" and then release it. If it's held, it has no meaning and with him for example if a rider holds too much he tends to take the bit and go. Though the resistance in the mare I think is she needed to see chiropractor and have her saddle reflocked. It's like trying to flex your bicep while someone is putting pressure on your muscle you just cant lift and so you get upset when asked to. But otherwise I think his problem is he's way too smart and tries too hard, sometimes I try to combat that with walking when he's too busy and sometimes you just have to work through it because some days he gets so tense at the walk if you let him go he just launches. I found when he's like that the only thing that helps is giving him something new to learn or keeping his mind busy. So laterals or new "tricks." He likes parelli games. When he's forward, it's never a naughtiness. He's not mean at all (I don't like mean horses). He's just really happy to be in the partnership and to be doing something. He's not something that would ever be happy to just sit in a field, he starts making trouble or creating his own entertainment, he needs a job and mental stimulation.

It was interesting with discussing our plan with my trainer, she said this horse will be very easy to teach the tricks too but teaching all the basics or "fillers" between the levels will be quite time consuming. That is getting him more relaxed, supple, and harmonious. That's hard. Wonder can sit and push but supple and elastic is hard to get consistent but we'll get it. Just more time. We also do lots of hacks and field work. Cavaletti and polls, a little jumping but Wonder is not a big fan of jumps.

I miss my mare a lot too. I really loved her as well

This was our first ride off of the lunge line













Wonder and Frankie





Wonder and the hose





This was Wonder when I went to go see him. I remember now I saw him move and I had to have him lol. I'd never seen a thoroughbred move like him. I also forgot he used to be REALLY funny about the right rein. Like if you touched it for more than a second with your fingers he'd flip his head upside down and have a little come apart. He doesn't do that at all anymore.










Just goofy





Wonder with an abcess, I was trying to get video to show my trainer to see what she thought. It ended up being a hoof abscess but you can see the crazy amount of back movement he has and I think you can see why in posting trot I've been bounced out of the tack before. I had a friend ride him who is quite a good rider, was a working student in FL, rides young horses, had high 60s scores at 2nd level etc and I told her he has more trot than that and she was like I don't think I can post more trot than this :lol: it's a massive-spring loaded trot. Feels like catapult every stride, so I totally understood why she'd say that. I've been bounced out before. Lots and lots of yoga to sit that trot and tons of core and hip exercises. I also don't do a lot of sitting trot on him atm (when I was riding him) because he needs to get much stronger. I do some to be more solid in my position because posting is a compromised position of being in the air and that's usually when he tends to pull on me. So I sit for steadiness. I feel like he's the kind of horse where he's like but mom my foot only hurts a little bit, see how happy I am, I can work. It's a little cute but it gives me stress :lol: 





About 1 month after starting work with Layla




Layla before saddle became to tight in shoulder. Still crabby about half steps and collected work. She's crabby when it's really hard. Trot work 2:30, half step work 3:09





Little Charlie. He is a saddlebred I broke. Here I think he was 3wks broke? I love saddlebreds. Saddlebred and thoroughbreds are my favorite horses to work with





Also some more of københavn


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## Fimargue

I sure would like to meet mister Wonder. He must be the most beautiful Thoroughbred that I have ever seen and I like my TBs. Plus, he has a very interesting personality. I have known a TB gelding a bit like Wonder, also black and very similar face to Wonder's. He was an eventer in Dubai and came to retire in France. First day I saw him, he had his guard on and was pinning some ears when you approached him, plus he flinched a lot if I was to move my hands around him. First I told him to ****** off if he was to pin his ears when I approached him near his hay and then I would approach him again and show him kindness and he looked like he had never known it. We quickly became friends, but he had his moments as well and once pulled free with another person.

I also like horses who are a bit special and "difficult". I guess I like challenges and also creating a bond with a horse like that is very rewarding.

I'm also particular about names, so I understand.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Firmargue- Aww thank you. I'm glad he has a fan  he has a very big heart and is very kind, loves children but is picky about people. If people come to him with kindness and respect, he's very sweet but if they are rude or try to dominate him he resists. Aww that is interesting, they sound pretty similar. Wonder is much the same in that respect, approach with kindness and he'll fall asleep in your arms but fight him and he'll fight with everything he has.

Yes it is. It's incredible when a horse trusts you and will do anything for you. Wonder has so much heart and try, I admire that in him. He's difficult but it's not out of naughtiness. He just tries so hard and is very enthusiastic. He's just a happy, playful, goofy horse who is passionate about learning. Teaching him something new is like throwing a dog a bone. He thrives on it. I never drill with him. He is not a "drilling" horse but you break concepts and down and explain it and he picks up on it intermediately. It's also very touching because he trusts me, he will do anything for me and if I'm handling or riding him he's rarely scared and that is a pretty special feeling. He's my horsey soul mate 

Definitely. They have to suit the animal. Names are a big deal and mean a lot.
___________

Also on the hunt for double bridle and bits. I really want one with ergonomic design and white patent crank noseband. I think the cranks is much nicer on their jaw than the regular noseband. I use a pad with my bridle now that is regular, else even loose it rubs poor Wonder's jaw. It also illegal in Denmark to have too tight of a noseband which makes me happy. In Germany they were so tight it took two people to take them off :-( I know here in DK there will be pressure to put Wonder in a double, I've ridden with a double and do fine with it so I'm not worried. But I want to take my time introducing it and feeling which bits. My trainer at home said she'd help me with bit selection. They usually start horses in a double earlier than in the US or UK but I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing. They don't rely on the double it's like they use it as a tool and then go back to the snaffle. It can be a helpful tool. Some horses are much straighter in the double or are less tense, etc. I know a few horses who are night and day different snaffle to double. It is not for brakes. His brakes are in my core, it is not to bring his head down. It is a refinement tool, not a crutch. It is kinda like spurs. Wonder loves his spurs. I was a little surprised but it allows me to be clearer and quieter and he loves them. Goes way better in spurs than without. I can carry a whip or drop it an it isn't too different but a whip is not for "go" it is for a reminder of where to position the hip or leg. When I use the whip, I almost never touch Wonder but I position it and that is what he responds to. My intention and my position of a tool. 

I like this one. The padding in these bridles is excellent but they're sold out for the moment and I need to wait for their next shipment here in DK
CROWN Treasure Double Bridle in Black/White/Patent. R-444 - Double bridles - SD Design Aps

We thought for a bradoon either the neue schule verbindend or team up 12mm and for the weymouth the thoroughbred 12mm. I sort of want to try their starter one but it is a 16mm and Wonder gapes his mouth in 14mm he's so unhappy with a thick bit. I've found he likes neue schule bits but does not like herm sprenger. I was told he may like a forward port as well. I'm looking for used because it is SO expensive and I am feeling very poor. His snaffle is a verbindend which he seems to like, he likes the team up too though


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## DanteDressageNerd

No new news on Wonder so far. Just that he is coming September 29th-ish and is being microchipped and all that good stuff. I miss him so much. If only to groom and cuddle him and to pet his soft coat. I just miss spending time with him, I really hope he doesnt feel abandoned. 

I went to some horse shops today, there is SO much greater selection here in Denmark. I bought him the double bridle I'd been wanting. I finally found it and they had one left. It was a very good price and very nice quality. Very well padded, so I think Wonder will like that. I also found out I can buy neue schule bits from this store and try them for a week and see what Wonder likes. My trainer said she'd help me pick bits for Wonder. She suggested the verbindend for his bradoon and the thoroughbred or a forward port for the weymouth. It was also good to talk to the people there and meet someone who has some special horses too. She is a GP jumper and trains her own horses, it was so nice to talk to someone who is able to produce horses and is so empathetic as well. We discussed Danish riders and trainers and how it is hard to find empathetic riders who can ride something especially sensitive or quirky. They're not as strong riding as the Germans but they try to get their horses to fit into a box too and want to micromanage and hold them, rather than really have them self going and self carrying. I joke I'm too lazy to try to hold a horse together. I want to suggest and they go. It's always nice to meet someone who understand what you're talking about with horses that are a bit special. They just aren't conventional and people always assume they know exactly how to "fix" it or that they could do better and then they try and it is much worse for them because they don't understand what they think they understand. Horses are not all the same. 

Alma also came home yesterday and is settling in very well. I decided Alma will be her name, it seems to suit her. She's very playful and funny. She also fancies herself my watch cat :lol: we heard a noise in the middle of the night and I hear Alma growl, jump down from the vet and pop up in the window to investigate the noise. She's a brave little cat!

Also have more paperwork and quite a bit of work ahead to get everything settled before university begins. I will be going in on the 27th to do a sort of introduction orientation type of thing. Apparently there is a lot of group work, so it is meant for people to meet one another, mingle and pick study partners.

I was also think about how judgmental people are and how much people seem bothered by people who try or people aimed at improving themselves. I honest to God don't understand that or people who help. It deeply bothers me how threatened many people are by others and how when people feel threatened or insecure they dismiss, put down or insult other people. Like how does putting someone else down make yourself feel better? Or how miserable do you have to be to seek out ways of putting down perfectly good or decent people who are honestly going about their life and doing their best? I flat out don't get that. People can disagree and that is fine and healthy but to just belittle and demean is sad. Why not try to UNDERSTAND and I don't know LISTEN or ASK, rather than just belittle someone else. So ridiculous. 

I also don't understand people who use other people and treat others badly than accuse the innocent party of doing the behavior they were doing. That baffles me. The only thing I can figure on that behavior is that people think they can change reality by influencing people's perception. Maybe they think if they repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it. I for one look at the facts and observe a person's behavior. Words are meaningless without the attached meaning.


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## lostastirrup

Your tack store photos are the best eye candy. Seriously. So stunning. Is that the bridle you got wonder? I love the patent leather.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you! It's pretty amazing there are TONS of BIG stores all over Denmark and 4 or 5 within 20 minutes of me. It's really neat and the prices on horse stuff is MUCH MUCH better than in the US. But yes it is! That is Wonder's double bridle  I'm so happy I got it. I may eventually get him a different browband for the bridle but right now it is not a NEED. 

Also Alma from yesterday and today

As well as browband ideas down the road
I was thinking sapphire and black diamond or sapphire and light sapphire


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## jaydee

Online shopping's took off a long time ago in the UK but its still easier to find tack stores that carry a big range of products without having to drive for miles - the same with horse shows. Its because everything is concentrated together in those smaller countries. 
The US is more like the whole of Europe in comparison!!


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> I was also think about how judgmental people are and how much people seem bothered by people who try or people aimed at improving themselves. I honest to God don't understand that or people who help. It deeply bothers me how threatened many people are by others and how when people feel threatened or insecure they dismiss, put down or insult other people. Like how does putting someone else down make yourself feel better? Or how miserable do you have to be to seek out ways of putting down perfectly good or decent people who are honestly going about their life and doing their best? I flat out don't get that. People can disagree and that is fine and healthy but to just belittle and demean is sad. Why not try to UNDERSTAND and I don't know LISTEN or ASK, rather than just belittle someone else. So ridiculous.
> 
> I also don't understand people who use other people and treat others badly than accuse the innocent party of doing the behavior they were doing. That baffles me. The only thing I can figure on that behavior is that people think they can change reality by influencing people's perception. Maybe they think if they repeat a lie often enough, people will believe it. I for one look at the facts and observe a person's behavior. Words are meaningless without the attached meaning.


I hear you! :hug: It will get better as you get older and your buffer of lovely people between yourself and that world increases. You will meet many clever, warm, good-crazy people on your road - invite them into your life.  I'm in my 40s and would hate to be mainstream - I love all my weird and wonderful friends, they are soooo interesting and life-affirming. My 20s was tough though - I still had to meet people like myself. That's in part because my birth family kept me isolated as a kid, and because negative people cluster, and I was born into a cluster, and of course their friends were mostly like that too. School was a warm spot due to having wonderful teachers on a regular basis, and through music, literature and the arts I learnt that the world could be different to what I was experiencing, and that there were many wonderful people out there. From my mid-20s on, excellent friends accumulated, and working with inquisitive and fun people on a daily basis was a real joy.

Best thing that happened to me was meeting and marrying another clever, warm, good-crazy person, in my 30s. We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this year and life is just so crazy and wonderful. Our conversations at home are not like normal people's, and we both read dictionaries and thesauruses, speculate about astrophysics, share and discuss films, art, music, etc etc and spend considerable amounts of time every day laughing until we are nearly, or actually, crying. :rofl: It is the most fantastic experience in the world when someone else _gets_ you, really sees you, and you them, and you can share things with them that most other people just don't get. It's like your world is complete, and the great big black hole is gone.










About your second paragraph in particular, here's there's a great online guide that helped me fill in some of the puzzle pieces to the questions you are posing. Two excellent starting posts:

https://littleredsurvivor.com/2017/12/22/got-respect-2/

https://littleredsurvivor.com/2017/04/01/narcissism-101/

I also love all the sayings Cherilyn collects. Visiting her site can be a real boost if you are struggling with negative people.

Wish I'd had that around to read in my 20s!


 from this hemisphere, and am really looking forward to you and your horse being re-united!

:cowboy:


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## Mythilus

Subscribing. Wonder is beautiful. What is his breeding?


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## DanteDressageNerd

Jaydee- exactly and it is quite nice! The horse community seems a lot bigger here. Where I live ponies go down the streets, there are horses and ponies EVERYWHERE and I am just outside one of the biggest cities in Denmark. There is so much country and SO many shows, trainers, etc.
_________

SueC- thank you. It is really lovely picture btw  that is wonderful and lovely that you found someone whose uniqueness matches your own :-D I would love that someday but truthfully I'm not sure I see myself getting married. Long story short have a history of dating psychopaths, sociopathic narcissists :lol: it makes me very uncertain and paranoid when feelings get involved and it makes me deeply unhappy and insecure because many times I've been made to feel that I'm simply not good enough or undesirable or just not it. It's never me, so I don't really bother anymore. I just expect to be let down, hurt, and deeply disappointed because that's all Ive ever experienced from relationship type of settings. Been deceived and manipulated a bit, so it makes me sensitive, skeptical and nervous lol.

Thank you for the thought and consideration you put into your post. It's funny how upbringing can have such a strong impact that you don't realize affects you as deeply as it does until later. But I agree. In my late twenties I'm finding I'm much more at peace than when I was younger. Still have many years ahead (I hope) but your conversations at home sound like my conversations in my head :lol: or sometimes with other people. People cant relate or think I'm raving mad or are very interested. Sometimes I think I go to out of range for some people to follow but I think you have to have a broad perspective to understand and start at each root and built up from there. If that makes any sense at all.

But those are good pages with good words of wisdom and advice. I agree. Those who can't show respect to others generally lack respect for themselves. If someone truly has self respect they have no problem extending that respect to others.
_________

Mythilus- Thank you  he is wonderful! He is by Midnight Lute out of Bountempo who is by Cape Town. 

https://www.pedigreequery.com/wontualwayswonder
_________

Update on Wonder in quarantine. He is enjoying himself, he is fascinated by a miniature donkey they have and likes the hustle and bustle of the barn. He likes a busy place. If it's too quiet he gets bored and starts mischief. I'm glad he's happy and is enjoying his vacation. I was told he likes the change of scenery. Hes sort of an odd horse, when something scary comes his response isn't to flee or get nervous. It's oh that's cool lets go investigate! I remember when he first came to the barn he would drag me to every door and insist I open it so he could inspect each and every room. After he looked around he seemed satisfied and we could go on with our hand walk. He is not allowed on a horse walker, it's how he mangled his front legs. He reared up on a horse walker as a stallion and it's why his front tendons are quite thick. But I hear he likes swimming? He did a lot of swimming rehab. I think his papers say they gelded him as a 6yr old. He's 8 now. I bought him at a 7yr old. He's an interesting horse but that's what I love about him. I think sometimes when you work with so many different ones you kinda need that one special one that is just your baby. Who you can dote on and love. But going full amateur now. I miss him so much, I know September 29th really isn't that far away but I REALLY miss him more and more everyday. But this isn't as bad as the last time I was in Denmark. I was depressed because I missed him SO SO much and my anxiety/depression meds were low so I was on half dose for a little bit. Going cold turkey on that stuff would have been BAD, so I had to be careful so I wouldn't run out. 

Mostly trying to keep busy, paperwork and things that need to be completed before class starts. Keeping a very tidy place. Alma is wonderful. So sweet and kind 

Good european brands. BR bits are really top quality, they lay smooth and are ergonomic but without the cost of neue schule and herm sprenger.

https://br.nl/

DK - riderbyhorse.dk

https://www.hookseurope.com/

Front page - SD Design Aps

https://www.lundemoellen.dk/hest-og.../5098-by-weber-kandar-paris-de-luxe-sort-solv

Some pictures are from last year to last few months. I really really miss him. You can see how sunbleached he was under the 40c weather sun! 

Wonder also has no problems with cows, it took a bit of work but he gained the confidence to touch noses with the baby cow. Another pictures is of him conquering his fear of the whip which was QUITE an accomplishment that took months. I had desensitized him to it before I went to Denmark the first time and then when I came back he'd pull loose if I ever carried it. Did a ton of desensitization and Warrick Schiller type stuff. I cut the tail end of the whip off and for a while if he saw it even move he'd kick out or bolt. It took a while.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> SueC- thank you. It is really lovely picture btw  that is wonderful and lovely that you found someone whose uniqueness matches your own :-D I would love that someday but truthfully I'm not sure I see myself getting married. Long story short have a history of dating psychopaths, sociopathic narcissists :lol: it makes me very uncertain and paranoid when feelings get involved and it makes me deeply unhappy and insecure because many times I've been made to feel that I'm simply not good enough or undesirable or just not it. It's never me, so I don't really bother anymore. I just expect to be let down, hurt, and deeply disappointed because that's all Ive ever experienced from relationship type of settings. Been deceived and manipulated a bit, so it makes me sensitive, skeptical and nervous lol.



Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! :rofl:

There's a trick to it that I didn't learn till my 30s, so didn't get married till my 30s. One is to do with having the right database or other approach for finding needles in a haystack. The other is to actually have the highest standards imaginable and not accept anything less than what you yourself are going to bring to the table (and most especially in manners and respect and warmth and decency and a passion for learning) - instead of _lowering_ our expectations, like we women have been indoctrinated to, especially if we come from dysfunctional families that affected our self-concepts. It also helps to defuse all that hormonal stuff, as well as the dysfunctional stuff (and that's hard, but there are ways around it), because neither of those are your friend when it comes to picking the right kind of partner - both can and do create attractions to the wrong partner, for the wrong reasons.

And I think looking back on my life, none of that was going to happen until I'd figured myself out and really understood how my background had affected me. It was actually my thinking and analysing brain that was the most helpful asset I had in assessing potential partners, as unromantic as that sounds - and in practice, it wasn't unromantic at all, but it was very traditional, like a sort of period piece movie, not like _Sex&The City_. :rofl:

I had completely given up hope actually - like, aren't I lowering my odds by eliminating so many people from the pool, instead of just gratefully accepting any old dreg? And aren't all the good ones taken already? Haven't I missed that train? :rofl: But no, what it did was actually sort the wheat from the chaff, and stop me wasting time.

Anyway, I'd just like you to know that life can really surprise you - and that we're all works in progress. Funnily, I'm still not perfect!!! :shock: But you know what, that really doesn't matter, I never will be; we can all only do our best. And it's far more fun embracing your own quirkiness anyway! 

I hope I don't sound like Great-Aunt Matilda. :rofl: 

Best wishes and good vibes to you. :hug: And you've got a _great_ horse! It's funny how often I see that happen: Someone who could use a bit more friendship and acceptance ending up with a great horse - a veritable firehose of both!  And what's more, it's usually the same from the horse's perspective - that human firehose of friendship and acceptance and adoration and fun is soooo lovely!
I don't think that's an accident... :cowboy:


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## DanteDressageNerd

A T-shirt may be suiting, I think I need one too!

I understand. I actually come from a very good family. Both of my parents are amazing people and very good to each other. My grandparents, Aunts, Uncles everyone is really solid, good people and oddly very well educated. Almost everyone is an engineer, mathematician, computer scientists, accountant, economist, or works in the medical field, etc. And they're kind and just nice people. Though my father thinks I was blind to the abuses or to people like that because in all of my life I was never exposed to that because I'd only known good, honorable men who absolutely treated women with love and respect. Women are very independent but I'm also Danish and German-Russian :lol:

But I entirely agree about not lowering expectations or standards though it can definitely be hard sometimes. I can be much too understanding of people or understand their life style or what have you without putting myself first. Hormones and anxiety can really mess with your head to be sure. I also understand about period pieces, I'd say I tend more to that to be sure than Sex in the City which I cant relate to at all. I see bad mannered women without respect for themselves sleeping around with worthless guys and wondering why nothing lasts or it's bad. Its trashy to me. But I tend to be very analytical too, especially with relationships. Those psychopaths can be so crafty and come seeming so genuine, kind and they feel like they're so good and it feels right and they're accomplished, blah, blah, blah but then the abuse starts and you write it off as oh but everyone has a bad day or off moment and then it escalates. Being too reasonable is not a good thing, I don't think :lol:

I think perfection is over rated, what would we do if we were perfect, what then would we have to improve on? Plus as you say quirkiness is to be embraced and fully appreciated  never boring when your full of wonder and a unique take on life :blueunicorn:

Aww thank you. I feel really fortunate to have him, he means the world to me. It's definitely mutual. I feel like we were meant to find one another, he's changed my life in so many wonderful way and is the reason I'm even in Denmark at all. He transformed me and my life and is an absolute blessing! All good things come to those who wait!


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## SueC

...by the way, that cat of yours is super cute! :dance-smiley05::dance-smiley05::dance-smiley05: Between her and the horse, you've got a really great foundation already!  Because seriously, have you ever seen that little framed sign, _The more I see of people, the more I love my dog_? :rofl: And people call other people _animals_ as a form of denigration - talk about irony! When we're pretty much the worst species out there. At least sharks have an excuse - they're hungry and will die if they don't eat.

I am glad you have a lovely family! That's great. There are other reasons than growing up in a shocking family for a tendency to accumulate narcissists in our circle - having lots of empathy attracts them, like moths to a candle. Empathy can be milked and exploited. People who aren't so nice and understanding will send these guys packing, but so will people with lots of empathy, once they learn how to spot the warning signs and to turn off their empathy momentarily while showing them the door. :rofl:

It's so funny what you're saying about _Sex&The City_, because I feel like that too.  And about lots of cultural things. As a young adult I often wondered if I was from another planet, or at least another era. I vividly remember working in London in my mid-20s, sharing a house with three other professional girls give or take a couple of years from me. I really liked these girls, and at the same time was totally shocked by how they drank themselves under the table every Friday night (and most of the weekend). I remember grabbing a doona from upstairs and covering a housemate because she had drunk herself so senseless she has passed out on the sofa, and she was in flimsy clothes in mid-winter with the lounge room central heating about to turn off for the night, and I was worried she'd get hypothermia. 

I've just never understood that. Binge drinking is so mainstream in Anglo countries. My husband and I were equally repelled by it... By the way, these girls' dating advice was hilarious. "Sue, you're thinking too much, what you need to do is get drunk, and then you'll find someone for the night, maybe for longer." And I'm going, "Are you freaking kidding me??? If I need to obliterate my judgement in order to get near a male, is that an experience I would want to be having, examined in cold daylight? How's that going to help?" I mean, aside the obvious that they were having sex, but at what cost? That price was just too astronomical for me, and I was more interested in a decent partnership anyway than in biochemical tripping. So yeah, I am completely non-mainstream, but in retrospect I pat even that young 20-something me on the back and say, "Yep, good thinking! You won't regret it."

It's a very strange world we live in. Good thing horses are so relatable and straight and sane by comparison!  Stick to your guns, trust your head and your heart, and enjoy your horse.  Who is completely gorgeous!


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you! She's a super cat. Very cool. At night she follows me around the apartment looking up at me. Then when I go to bed, she takes her spot next to me. Or she opens the curtains or sometimes DEMANDS I open the window for her to slide down the roof and onto the terrace. But she then gets mad when it rains and she had to run up the terrace a few times to get in. Quite funny I watched her meow and slide backwards on the roof (Actually made my heart skip a beat) but sort of funny afterwards. But I agree. I tend to be a loner and stick to myself. I have a hard time keeping up with people, though I try and it's never personal just I'm quite happy with my own company.

I entirely agree. Empathy and gentleness can often be taken advantage of but I think it is best not to lose that gentleness. I absolutely believe it takes a lot of strength and courage to keep a good heart and kindness after so much abuse. I think it is very easy to give in to the anger and pain and try to isolate all but isolation ends up shutting out a lot of good people and I think it best to gain in wisdom and risk letting bad people in then to shut down. And as you say you gain a better eye and feel for abusive people or at least a faster method of finding them.

I entirely agree. I was speaking with someone I'm quite fond of and we were talking about discipline and how today's society has chosen to favor instant gratification and favor regardless of consequences over discipline and wisdom. And how today it is oddly almost a virtue to be badly behaved and destructive vs self respecting. And that said I don't hate people who go through phases but I do feel sorry for them and wonder how they can be helped because how theyre living is very destructive and will get them into trouble. I think the "Sex in the City" type gals are missing out on something deeper and more spiritual. I think when people behave like that it is a way of separating from themselves and in a way running away from emotional turmoil or pain and then trying the same thing over and over again and it ends up blowing up in their face. Quite sad really :frown_color:

Yes it is a very strange world. I seldom understand it. Horses are much better :lol: and thank you. I love him SO SO much. I feel so blessed that he chose me and accepts me as his teammate. He's the type that has to comply willingly or he will fight with everything he has but when he's on your side he'll give you everything he has!
___________

Starting classes tomorrow! Quite nervous. It's a social week. Lots of socializing because there will be lots of group work and over all love Denmark this is my home and where I belong. 

Learned a good deal more about Danish law. It's very different from American law. It is fixed or quite rigid vs American law is very flexible and depends on who is present. The law in Denmark is straight forward, same with tax. Tax is high and living is expensive but the cost is directly in front of you and not hidden.

Also missing this horse like crazy and can't wait to see him. Also think I know what to try for his kandar. I was thinking the eggbut trans angle bit from neue schule and L Hotte which is designed for a horse that is both strong and sensitive in the bridle


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## DanteDressageNerd

Overall I am EXHAUSTED. WAY WAY too much socialization this week and honestly I'm more of a loner. I flat out don't care anymore whether people like me or not. I just do my thing, I'm pretty darn polite and will give the shirt off my back for someone in need but at the end of the day I have my limits and spending 10hrs a day doing intro classes doing social and group work is OVERWHELMING for me. They all party, drink and do stuff together afterwards and I'm like THANK GOD I get to go home. They seem a lot looser in Denmark than the US but maybe I am wrong. Alma was NOT happy with the long hours, she was VERY VERY clingy and meowing and rubbing on me lol. She's so sweet 

I stick to myself a lot, I don't really reach out to people anymore and kinda do my thing. If people want to be there they will and if not that's okay too. I'll still wish them well. I don't expect much from anyone. But keep in touch with people at the saddleseat barn because they're super :-D I don't know I REALLY appreciate support, I do but when I don't have it I also don't let it stand in my way and keep charging forward regardless. I have good friends though and I'm fortunate that way. I dont take them for granted. I'm also thankful to God above for bringing me where he needs me and bringing the right people into my life and pushing away the ones I didn't need and sometimes bringing back ones I didn't expect to come back into my life but none the less have found such a blessing in having them in my life. It's an interesting life and I'm so thankful to odd turn of event and coincidences that bring people together or move them from each other. Well people and animals :-D but it's pretty magical and something to inspire hope and inspiration. I've also learned sometimes you have to listen to your own heart and spirit and not listen to what everyone else says or advises. At the end of the day it's your life, your the one paying for it and has to experience the consequences and it's not anyone elses business how you go about it (within reason). 

I'm pretty allergic to gluten. My face itches quite badly after eating it and I'm knocked out EXHAUSTED for half a day afterwards. So I'm being better about NO gluten and stricter about it. I think my allergy is worse than it was. 

I miss horses quite a bit and can't wait to have Wonder here and to take some lessons with the Danish trainers around here. I have access to top quality dressage trainers who I trust will help Wonder and I on our way to GP. I will say I find it amusing that in the US most people didnt think much of Wonder but in Denmark if I show video of him the trainers are like oh wow, that's a nice horse what is his breeding? Oh he's a racehorse, wow didn't expect that sort of a thing. They said they really like how he load the hind end and think he's a quality horse. Also nice to be complimented by people and ones that are so accomplished and say I've done a really nice job with him. I take a lot of pride in what he and I have accomplished and I dont ever expect compliments or praise of us but it is NICE to hear and have it acknowledged. Because he and I have worked really hard and he is hard. For a bit I thought I could make him easier but getting him more amateur friendly only worked with me and no one else could get the same which was sad. But you know I've waited a life time for this horse and I'm going to learn as much as I can from and with him on our way to GP.

I'm also running and dancing again, so I'm getting quite lean and fit for when Wonder comes back. I was measured for clothes 63cm waist. Thighs and hips are coming down too. Gradually able to do more with the broken wrist, 11 more days in the brace. I also think it's easy to forget, I've fought and struggled most of my life. I have aspergers, I have fought and struggled with it and had many tears because I didnt know how to connect to other people and found so few people who understood and could relate to me. I still have a hard time expressing emotion or communicating at times but I've worked REALLY REALLY hard to get better at it and still try to. I've also struggled a lot with horses, cried many nights and have been so frustrated. I think looking at someone you just never know what they've gone through or anything else and I think that's why I try to stay kind and understanding of others.


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## SueC

Oooh, how did you do your wrist? I've got my 6-week X-ray on three broken bones in the midfoot next Friday, to see how well it healed, and then hopefully I'll be learning to walk again...


Jingles to your wrist!


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- OUCH!! I hope you make a full recovery and are all well and together soon! I pray learning to walk is not a horrible experience :-( prayers for you and to your health!

And thank you, it's healing pretty well. I have one more week in the splint then should be good to go  I take the brace off sometimes to live free in the apartment though. Also sorry for not catching up on journals, trying to keep busy and productive!

Wonder doesn't come until September 30th. I ordered his thoroughbred weymouth bit and I decided to pair it with the team up bradoon. I think that one will be most comfortable for him. I shop on ebay or used but hard to find places that will ship to Denmark. He is doing well from what I understand and happily eating and getting fat. 

Also looking for brooks adrenaline gts shoes. My knee pain almost totally disappeared wearing those but they are so expensive and I don't have the money I had when I was working. I have ascics gel kayano which is a good shoe too but I prefer the brooks, especially since I've started running again. Still dancing and doing yoga too. HAVE to stay fit or my brain is intolerable to live with. I get intense and high energy like Wonder.

PRAYERS Frankie MIGHT have sold!! We are praying for it to go well, it would be a really good home where she would be loved and well cared for. I like this trainer SO SO much, she is SO SO much more professional and actually does as she promises and also looks out for me as her client. I am SO impressed with her and she's a beautiful, nice rider to boot!

I dressed up a bit this weekend for fun because us girls need to feel womanly and appealing sometimes. I miss it. I used to regularly be approached for modeling lingerie, sports and clothes. My waist is 63cm or 24 1/2in. Feels so weird having no horsey updates.

But Alma is doing really well too, she is such a sweet kitty! She lays on my lap and follows me around the apartment. She is enjoying life  if only we could all be as happy as Miss Alma


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## DanteDressageNerd

I've also started dancing again and expanding some of my moves...

This video cracks me up. This is when Wonder had an abscess and I was trying to get video for my trainer to see, so I could get her opinion of what she thought it was and whether to call the vet. He was like this the whole time he had the abscess and also with about 3ccs of ace to keep him a bit more quiet because we had done platelet rich plasma for his stifles. He just loves to work and has an eager to do, playful personality. I can't wait for him to be here.






Video with Frankie





And Leo. I felt pretty special because Leo and I actually got along pretty well. Usually he's quite picky and most people think he's lazy and obstinate but he is only if you pressure him and try to make him instead of work with him and ask. He's very marish to ride. 









I'm VERY VERY anxious. I am trying a new tactic to deal with my anxiety by addressing it head on, rather than trying to avoid it. Being in a new situation with school and stress and everything that is going on is making me really anxious. Like I'm almost throwing up my anxiety is SO above and beyond and imagining all these fearful, hypothetical scenarios and imagining all kinds of silliness. This new method goes: I am anxious, I am really anxious. I don't need to know why I'm anxious but I need to acknowledge that I am anxious. I am scared, I am worried, I am overthinking and these thoughts are not reality. And then I have to challenge myself to be more anxious as a way of retraining my brain not to go into this insane spiral of irrational thoughts. I really hate this aspect of my personality but I have to learn to deal with is successfully. Meditation, yoga, etc doesn't work, I have to confront it head on. Even though it's causing me a TON of stress, worry and nausea. I am having a hard time eating at all atm. It's REALLY hard for me to eat when I'm anxious. I'm worried about these classes and other things and the overthinking and worry is just ugh. Just gotta figure out how to cope with all this anxious energy. I read it doesn't matter the cause, just have to face the anxiety and accept it and eventually it will go down.

Also need to buy a car but don't know how to drive stick and really need to be taught how to drive stick. I'm told it is easy but I'm scared to go out on the highway without having someone teach me how to do it and shift gears, etc.


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## TuyaGirl

Subbing

I have a feeling I will really enjoy following your new adventure. Loved all the pictures / vids! Keep them coming


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## TuyaGirl

Ok now that I've read it all, just wanted to add that Alma in my language (portuguese) means Soul, which is a very pretty name too. She is beautiful
Also in here it's very rare to see such browbands and I LOVE shiny things so I envy you 
And for last I became a fan of your horse  I would miss him lots too


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## jaydee

The socializing at this point is just like it is in any student environment but you'll find that in a European country, just as in any other, it will slowly fizzle out as most students make closer friends and find their own places in the unit as a whole and develop outside interests in the area.
I'm afraid for some too much time and effort is spent on the whole socializing thing and not enough on why they're supposed to be there. Being away from home and their parent's umbrella is overwhelming!!


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## knightrider

Here is a funny story about learning to drive a stick shift. I was in high school with a part time job. My parents took off to see my brother and his new baby in the bigger comfortable car and left me the Volkswagon Beetle which had a stick shift. No one had gotten around to teaching me to use the stick shift, although I had my driver's license. So I had two weeks to drive the VW. I figured, 'how hard can it be?' 

I managed to get to my part time job after school that first day, but it was rough. As I was driving home, I saw my next door neighbor walking home from the bus stop. We lived in kind of a rural area, and it was two miles home from the bus stop, so I offered her a ride home. She gladly accepted, and I attempted to accelerate. Ubb, ubb, ubb, ubb. The car jerked forward, bucking like a bronc. My neighbor's knuckles were white as she clutched the door handle. I know she wanted to say, "Never mind. I don't mind walking. I'll get out now." She was too polite to say anything, and I finally did make it home, but it was the ugliest driving you ever did see.

By the time my parents got back from visiting the new baby, I was quite proficient with that stick shift. "How hard can it be?" Well, kinda ugly at first, but not really that hard. You can do it!!!


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## lostastirrup

I learned stick from a girl with one hand. 

As for anxiety. That is so so so hard and it's not something that's a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" thing. It needs work and help. You're a tough cookie to push through. A lot of people don't realize how much of a struggle it is. You'll get through. And there's a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## DanteDressageNerd

TuyaGirl- Thank you. I miss him like CRAZY!! He is my favorite horse I have ever known, he's just a character and so much fun to work with. Always a challenge but so rewarding too. 

I hope it will be interesting when he comes to Denmark. I've shown video of him to some trainers that are very accomplished here in Denmark and they really like him and ask about his breeding. It's sort of funny to see the look on their faces when I say he is by two time breeders cup sprint champion Midnight Lute. They stare blankly and I'm like oh he's a racehorse, a racehorse! Wow we don't have those here in Denmark. 

And thank you. Alma is very sweet and funny. Very playful but also very affectionate. She likes to slide down the roof to go onto the terrace and there is a smaller window where the bathroom is and when I take a shower she goes through the smaller window because she doesn't like being separated if she knows I'm in the house. I shut the door to the WC so she cant get in. So she meows.
_________

Jaydee- It's very likely, a lot of kids probably go a bit wild but I guess in Denmark it is very common for students to take a year or two as a sort of "gap" year(s) before going to university. I seem to socialize okay and Danes are very friendly, thankfully but the University aspect and adjusting to how different it is to American university is the tricky part. I'm really overwhelmed by it all. I was in my calculus course and was like OMG I've learned this (I haven't taken a math course in like two years) but now the teacher has spoken and I don't understand a thing. Like my memory of how to do it was scrambled and I felt so lost. Almost tears of frustration :lol: I'm grateful I have a sense of humor because when I find myself lost and out of place, I'm able to laugh. Very important skill at the moment!
_________

knightrider- lol that's hilarious! It sounds like you had a really fun time learning :lol: I hope it is not too rough to learn. I live in the country but I'm afraid to drive and learn in the city. I don't want to cause too many problems, especially as cars are incredibly expensive here. I always over think new things :lol:
_________

lostastirrup- Thank you. Anxiety has been a long term struggle for me. I'm medicated which helps a lot, as depression has been a long term struggle as well and at around 25 I realized "toughing it out" wasn't working and so I went on zoloft and it has helped tremendously. It has improved my quality of life so much but when the anxiety is bad it is more manageable. Still can't eat when I'm anxious, I've lost 2kg or about 4lbs. I'm getting thinner all the time but it is okay. Not an unhealthy weight and most days have no trouble eating. 
_________

Also apologies for not really being able to keep up on journals or the forum very well. Really have to hit the books and form better habits, so I can be successful. It's mostly self study here. Professors lecture but don't teach.

I'm more stressed :lol: the classes are really quite difficult and the Professors don't really teach but talk at you. I get NOTHING from the lectures at all. The math class which is calculus was like OMG I used to know this stuff, now after lecture it feels all backwards in my head and no tutors. It is ALL self study and I do have some difficulties learning like I have a learning disability that makes it REALLY REALLY hard for me to learn new concepts initially but once I get it, I understand it thoroughly but it takes a while for me to get there. I hate to work 10 times harder because I have to download 10 times the amount of information for me to comprehend it because I see things in pictures and not words. Like learning to read was VERY hard for me, my parents had to hire tutors and I was 7 or 8 when I learned to read because it was so hard for me but when I learned to read I could read at a level far beyond my peers. It's part of the autism which I honestly despise at times because it definitely affects me. A lot of the time I feel as though you can't tell I have aspergers then other times I think it's really obvious. But education systems are designed for people like me. They're designed for the majority and that is to be expected, it just makes it REALLY hard for me. 

Wonder hacks






Wonder 5wks off the track, I forgot how hard he was to get left bend on at all. You have to move him off the whip and use your position to move him over slightly and you couldn't ask for full left bend or he'd get crooked and shut down





Wonder to the right to show how big a difference there was





Old video of Dante





Really sweet young horse





Also Antares the PRE 2mo broke. He was really testy, couldn't let him out through the outside shoulder or he'd take control and that wasn't a good thing





Antares in April





Part of Wonder's back story. He has "ugly" front tendons because he reared up on a horse walker as a stallion and got his legs caught which is how his previous owner got him. He did a lot of rehab and got this horse going again. He raced for 3 years after the incident. Was gelded according to his papers as a 6yr old.


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## lostastirrup

Ooof. that is rough. If you need help with calculus, Ive taken I think 18 credits of it at this point (though what is essentially calc 4) , and Id be happy to help you any way I can. My brother is severly ADHD and he learned best by correct repitition of the right thing rather than- "dont do it like that again" Id be happy to skype you or type responses or weigh in on problem sets.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Lostastirrup- that would be so unbelievably helpful!! Thank you! And yes I do better with correct repetition as well vs don't do that.

_________

Overall I think depression is setting in again. I'm just sad and hopeless at the moment. I have no energy and I hardly want to get out of bed AT ALL. Making it really hard to study like I need to. I'm just down.


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## lostastirrup

That last picture is stunning of wonder!!!! Like frame it!!! 

I'm sorry about the depression, it does make it hard to cope. My one suggestion is get the coffee ready the night before so all you have to do in the morning is hit the button... For me that is usually enough to drag my corpse out of bed... (Sometimes it's not lol)


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> SueC- OUCH!! I hope you make a full recovery and are all well and together soon! I pray learning to walk is not a horrible experience :-( prayers for you and to your health!


Thank you!  Got the all-clear to walk on Friday after new X-rays and walked 5km on Saturday, which isn't bad for Day 41 following triple metatarsal fractures.  Pulled up fine. Not allowed to ride yet because of potential falls from heights and not being able to take all the weight exclusively on the ball of the foot yet, but can probably roller-blade next week! :happydance:

Glad you are healing up fine too! 

And that cat is so looovely. 

Now you just need your horse! ;-) :runninghorse2:


PS: Did you know that the calcified plaque dentists scrape off your teeth when they clean them is also called calculus? I'm sure you can milk that for all it's worth! Like write, "Oh no, my dentist removed all my calculus yesterday!" at the bottom of the exam paper when you get around to that one!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Lostastirrup- Thank you so much and yes. It's mostly that I feel SO SO much. 
_________

SueC- Jesus I hope you heal completely soon! That is terrible, I'm sorry it happened but glad you're on the mend and doing well!!

lol I wish the calculus joke could be applied, maybe my Professor would appreciate it 

Yes Alma is wonderful! I absolutely adore her and Wonder will be here soon, I miss him SO SO much!
_________

My thoughts:

I truly believe having pure heart is a curse, there is so much pain in my mind and body atm I find it incredible. I literally struggle to get out of bed, eat or move. My body is feverish, shaky and exhausted. Always tired. I don't understand my heart or the things I put it through. A heart of gold is a curse, it is not a blessing though some think it is a great thing to be or a bragging point. It is not. I dont think most people can understand the amount of pain, suffering and loneliness that comes along with it. I struggle to truly connect or relate to anyone and when I do and it is a deep feeling where my spirit sees itself in anothers, that person is almost always broken or so emotionally damaged they can never give me what I need. When my heart exposes itself, it opens itself to pain. In truth I have no one to blame but myself and my reckless, foolish heart which despite my best attempts I can't keep safely inside my chest cavity. I cant help myself, I yearn so strongly for that connection in another's soul that when I feel them reach for me, I reach out. And then when I reach out, they pull theirs back and that is the problem when you care so deeply for someone who is emotionally broken. The stronger they feel, the more they pull away. Like they start to feel real or deep feelings and build a wall a mile high and a mile thick. And it's hard on me because I am SO emotionally sensitive and intune that I feel the shift in their energy and it actually makes me sick. And you know it's because they can actually see a future with you or the possibility of a healthy relationship and that scares them because subconsciously they dont feel worthy of a healthy relationship which is why they often stay for longer periods of time with people entirely unsuitable for them (crazy right, they feel more comfortable in a doomed relationship than a healthy one) and then run from people who are suitable. It's sad and you can't help them, you can't heal them or change them. I have such a HIGH capacity for love and so much nurturing to give but can't give it to someone who is so completely afraid of it. The unfortunate thing is I have a REALLY big heart and for the most part I try to lock it away, so he and I understand each other in a way that feels like kindered spirits. It's hard to break a bond like that. And advice has been that's tough because I know he deeply cares for me but if something were to be pursued it would require a lot of patience and time and understand that he's going to get scared and pull away sometimes. And I know it would be smarter to shut away but the thing is, if I dont see this through I will regret it for the rest of my life and I'll think of him always. Like I saw him and he made me dinner and bought me my favorite ice cream and was SO SO thoughtful but at the same time he is so guarded. It's hard on me because of my highly sensitive, empathic nature. And I can't really be dealing with these emotions when I have SO much going on with school. But the thing is I'm emotionally damaged too and have known SO SO much pain and suffering. I'm no stranger of abuse and the thing is I kinda need someone who has that depth of soul and it's very hard to find in someone who isn't a little broken. I love kind hearted but troubled people. Those are the ones I connect best with and it is unfortunate because at times it breaks my own heart and causes me suffering but I'm an indomitable spirit who loves purely and whose loyalty is unfaltering when it is promised and returned. I know he is the same and that is why he is so guarded. I know his soul and he mine and there lies the problem. What do two broken people do? I am perhaps braver or more reckless I can't tell. Everybody processes pain differently. He knows I'm impulsive and that perhaps concerns him as well and my wildness of spirit. 

I'm highly highly emotional, I just dont show it in a conventional way. It doesn't interfere with my reason (usually) but it influences my decisions and sometimes I am wild and irrational but mostly deeply logical and pragmatic. It's a nice thing to be so internally conflicted.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/autism-it-s-different-in-girls/

I'm INTP-A
https://www.16personalities.com/intp-personality

And pisces/aries
http://universal-tao-eproducts.com/mp/files/sun-moon_pisces-aries.pdf


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## DanteDressageNerd

Ugh couldn't figure out stick, I kept screwing up in my first lessons driving stick. So I'm sticking with automatic because I will panic if I'm on the highway and the car shuts off because I screwed up. And driving around the city without having it figured out just ISN'T an option. PROBLEM Cars are TWICE as expensive in Denmark and automatics even more so. Like a lot more expensive and really very rare and hard to find. I can't figure out stick. I stalled, engine shut off and it was just a disaster and in a neighborhood.

My Dad let loose on me, he is LIVID and told me to quit being "stupid" and figure it out, I'm too old to be making mistakes like this. And basically that Im a failure and screw up. It was pretty hurtful because it's not true. I don't get it. He's livid that I can't figure out stick. And also acts like I'm a university failure. I was an honors student at the university level and did very well and he thinks I can't make it here in Denmark and will fail. I don't know why. Just frustrating because I don't have all the answers and he's angry at me because I don't know everything and don't have everything figured out. And I'm trying, just trying and feel so overwhelmed. I NEED to find a car ASAP but nothing automatic is in my budget and I'm still waiting on my yellow card and this is just reality. 

I think things tend to happen at once, so that we're not constantly dwelling but go on a sort of roller coaster of sorts. When it all goes, it all happens at once so we can cope with it.


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## lostastirrup

I would give yourself at least 3weeks to figure out stick. It's a new brain pattern (also it's easier down the hwy) just clutch is your new best friend. Like a half halt, before you do anything add the clutch. You'll get the hang of it. Also some cars are way more sensitive than others. So you might find an older vehicle that will kick along awesome for you. The newer models are more difficult


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## TuyaGirl

Have you tried to find a second hand automatic one? I am asking because I understand the struggle of manual gear. I actually learnt to drive on a manual gear car, but after a couple years without a car, I lost confidence precisely because of the use of the clutch on steep roads, and had to find me an automatic. In here it's the same, very rare to find and more expensive, but eventually I found an older second hand one for a very reasonable price. 


About feeling depressed, I hope that the arrival of your horse makes you look at days in a little brighter way  I am not even going to enter on broken hearts / souls / people relationships part. You just described a part of me, and you worded it very well


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## jaydee

I'm the opposite way around - As Brit coming from a country where most people drive manual vehicles I only ever drove a manual (stick) and the clutch and gear changes are like second nature to me but driving an automatic here in the US is like a nightmare because I still have to think about which side of the road I'm on and some of the different road rules plus traffic conditions in general and when I'm focusing on that I forget I'm driving an automatic and everything goes to hell in a handcart!!


I assume you're classes are all in Danish - that must be tough if it isn't your first language.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Lostastirrup- Thank you. Perhaps so. I think I'm just going to stick with an automatic, unfortunately I don't have to learn stick and am not in a safe area to make mistakes that shut off the whole engine. I can't afford tickets for such mistakes.
__________

tuyagirl- Thank you. I'm currently in the process of purchasing an automatic 2nd hand but the plates cant be issued to me until I get my Danish CPR which I'm waiting on, so in process of figuring out another way since I have a danish address and they can bill me, etc.

I know :-( life can't just be simple or easy. I wish it were and less frustrating.
__________

Jaydee- No actually. My classes are all in English, however I need to learn Dansk. It is quite a hard language to learn. 

Unfortunately don't have time to learn stick, so I'm buying an automatic. The newer ones are quite sensitive, any small error and the whole things shuts off. I'm not in a safe area for learning stick unfortunately :-(
__________

Fighting myself to get more studying done. ADHD really sucks in that respect, it takes so much to get yourself to complete (just so you know I forgot about this sentence and this is the finish to it). ADHD is real and makes it SO SO difficult to get anything done. It's a difficult thing to overcome, people think it's an issue of willpower and no it's more so a brain that you try to sit down and break it's will just doesn't do what it's supposed to. VERY frustrating. Fortunately I still have meds.



I found the perfect automatic vehicle for me that's in my budget, problem is my danish CPR hasn't come through so they cant register plates to me. So I'm trying to see about a way to get plates since I have an address to be billed and mailed to. Hoping for an answer soon.

I cant tell if this guy is just a waste of my time or if I need to calm down and be less distrustful and I'm overthinking way too much because that's what I do. We were talking back and forth Friday and much of the week but then there was silence. Why all of a sudden fall off the planet and I KNOW he has time, it takes ten seconds to ask how are you? It's frustrating, causing me stress and distracting me. No man is worth the frustration, confusion or negative feelings. I know he is stressed and has a lot going on (legitimately, I've been to his house, he has a ton of work and is looking for a job because the company he works for went out of business). So legitimately he has a LOT going on and is VERY busy. Not making that up. and I REALLY shouldn't take it personally but I'm not confident in him. I don't trust him. I know he is a good, honorable person but when people are that damaged. It's hard to know what they'll do. They often self sabotage and often unpredictable. Just have to give them space which is really just not fair to me. I connect best with emotionally damaged people but it causes me so much frustration that I remember why I haven't really dated in like 3 years. I really want to get married and have a family someday but maybe that sort of thing just isn't meant for me. Maybe I'm meant to long for that deep connection and never have it or where I find it, is too damaged to reciprocate or give me what I need. Maybe no one is really meant to get what they truly desire.

Wonder hopefully comes to me on September 30th. He stays in Frankfurt for the night after his flight. I think it'd be too much stress just to load him up onto a 7 or 8hrs road trip, so rest will be good for him after a 10hr plane ride. The cost was going to be an additional 7k and I was in tears thinking I may have to cancel everything and try to find a home for Wonder. I really cant sell him, he's a unique personality that I think may end up abused in another situation. He's too hot to just trail ride, he has a tendency to bolt if not worked properly and regularly. He's a full time work type of horse, so too much time for the typical amateur. He's REALLY REALLY hot most of the time and requires a rider to be a real athlete because he's so **** strong and forward. He's REALLY hard to sit trot and takes a lot to organize and "put together." Not at all straight forward and easy like a warmblood. He takes so delicate of timing but is SO strong, you REALLY have to be able to sit against him to half halt. Like REALLY, it takes EVERYTHING I have and I'm a former Marine but be quick to be into neutral and quiet. Cant hold against him or he turns into going to fight you with EVERYTHING I have mode and a rider WILL NOT win against him. If a rider engages in a fight they will lose with this horse, you have to have him on your side or you get nothing. I've put riders with their bronze and silver who cant get him on the bit or get much trot out of him. I put a good rider on him who rides a lot of youngsters and she couldn't post his working trot (yeah he's that bouncy in the trot). She's a good rider and her horse isnt' the easiest to ride or post. Her horse has an ewe neck and is a bit to organize. And Wonder doesnt really like to jump. He's happy to go over a few fences but do it all the time and he's like no. That's stupid, we're not doing it.

Just to give an idea of HOW strong and hot this horse is. Slow motion .75 he's a freak. It's like trying to hold back the water from an overflowing dam, the moment you let it go it's BOOM BLAST OFF





Dooley 18.2h (yes we've sticked him) former 4ft jumper, hadn't done much dressage in a while. Fast forward a bit.





Some Leo. He is tricky to ride and has an old injury on his left hind, making him harder to ride to the right because he doesn't like putting weight on the left hind. He didn't get along at all with most professionals. Totally shuts down and puts a MASSIVE fight in like a former olympian was scared to ride him because if you make him he's dangerous but totally safe if you work with him and not lazy at all. Ride him kindly and he's great.He is actually pretty downhill, quite sassy. But Mari said I was the only rider besides one other who get his canter to look like that. Else it looked like a lateral on the forehand runner


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## jaydee

We used to buy a lot of horses from sales in the UK so have had a lot of Wonders!!
On the whole I like them as long as they aren't the type that have a meltdown hissy fit tantrum when you hold them - the sort that start leaping in the air I can do without.
I find that in every other way they're very straightforward and gutsy and less likely to be spooky.
The strongest one I ever had was an Irish Draught from Geoff Glazzard via a local dealer. He was kept with us while someone had him on a months trial and he was just a forward going horse that you had keep on a good contact all the time but the girl who bought him was so feeble she let him go a few times and once he discovered he could run away he became more difficult to hold. I bought him back off her a year later and was sad to see how much he'd changed but he was still a great 100% honest jumper and hunting horse so stayed with me and my arms got a bit longer every time I hunted him!!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you Jaydee. I like the odd ones too, something a bit unconventional. I think when given the chance have the biggest hearts and the most to offer! But I can imagine. Irish draught are quite athletic and powerful. Must have been an exhilarating ride. I like that sort of horse for over fences. My old eventer was like that. 100% honest, bold and I remember having to use my whole back against him to get him to sit back to set him up for a fence, hard to keep him back xc. I wish I had gotten a chance to hunt him, now I dont know if I'll ever get the chance. Wonder isn't a hunt horse at all :lol: he will only go over a fence if I dont leave an out and funnel him to it. If I jump him once in a while, hes fine and basically honest but do it more than that and he veers hard and fast if your timing isnt spot on and is out of there. He doesn't have the lock on and want it feel at all but he's careful with his legs. 

I like Wonder. He's my favorite horse I've ever known. He has a definite mind of his own and a certain willfulness I truly admire in him. He is one of the smartest horses I've ever had the pleasure of working with. He has a definite sense of justice. The barn manager at the last barn was handling him, he had been a stallion handler in Germany and worked for some big name riders as a groom and he tried to dominate Wonder and Wonder wasn't going to have it, so Wonder took off down the barn aisle dragging him with him (a 6+ft man of solid muscle build). And every time the guy tried to get a handle of Wonder would just take off dragging him until he gave up then Wonder happily walked into his stall. The cowboy at the barn never had trouble with Wonder. He said Wonder's fine as long as you don't try to pick a fight with him. Similar with cavaletti. I was walking him over cavaletti and Wonder had enough and was like no, I'm done. I was like what do you mean you're done? And he nonchalantly walked away from the cavaletti like I'm not doing it and drug me at a walk and when we were away from the cavaletti was perfectly agreeable and on good behavior. In that instance most would say make him go back over the cavaletti but he told me he was done and I respect that. He's like that. If you press for more when he expresses an opinion, he fights you rather than willfully agree. You also lose his trust and willingness to comply but listen when he has an opinion and is relatively polite about it and he'll try harder than any horse I know of. Have to have the wisdom to pick which battles to fight and which to let go.

Undersaddle he is the same. He's good for me and my trainer in the US but totally different horse for every rider. It actually really surprised me. It's all about that person's energy, it's not necessarily a mechanical technique, it's a mindfulness and how that rider is able to communicate that. I rode a morgan mare like that too. Was fine for me and her trainer but anyone else and she just wouldn't go. I had a PSG rider schooling the GP on him who couldn't even trot on Wonder because they couldn't channel that energy or whatever factor it is that Wonder agrees to, they didn't do anything wrong and are a good rider *shrugs* my trainer and I tried to make him more ridable and in the end my trainer just said Cassie Wonder isnt going to change. I don't often say this but you NEED to find a way to take him to Denmark with you, you're not going to find someone who can ride him. He's not naughty, just Wonder-y. And truthfully for most of the trainer's back home I think he'd rear and flip on them, Wonder's go to when overly pressured is to rear. He has NEVER reared up on me but I've also never put him into a corner or blocked all his options. And if someone really took hold of him, wasn't tactful and tried to bully him. I think they could easily turn him into a nervous, flighty, naughty horse. He's also funny where if someone isn't able to control his outside shoulder he just does what he wants and doesnt steer. He figures out a rider's weaknesses so fast and exploits it :lol: every rider I've ever put on him has said he rides nothing like he looks or what I thought. I don't know why that is. I've just accepted it at this point, there is a reason I have him. The trainer I bought him from on the track said after I bought him he had turned down 8 or 9 different buyers because he didn't think they were the right fit for the horse. He said Wonder's a unique horse and I don't want him to be abused. He said he knew I was the right one when Wonder just stuck his head in my arms and started cuddling with me. The previous owner's Dad said that horse doesn't like nobody but you and my son, I thought he was making it up when he said it. But sure enough Wonder went from hanging his head in my arms to reaching over to bite a guy as he walked by. But he's great with kids *shrugs* kids can hang all over him and he's fine with that.

Back on ritalin, it is helping SO SO much. I feel like I have the tool to manage the ADHD. 20mg is right 10mg, I feel like Roger Rabbit on whiskey but can focus :lol: was MUCH more productive. 

Alma is fantastic, I couldn't have asked for a better cat. She almost ALWAYS comes when called from outside and is just a fun, sweet girl  great companion and so sweet. 

Working theory with the guy is perhaps I'm too feminine looking and he's suppressing homosexual tendencies which would explain some things but who knows people are strange.

Right now I simply miss working with horses and REALLY miss riding. Been too long :-( but will have access to two amazing trainers when Wonder is here. One was on the national team and the other was head rider at Blue Hors.


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## jaydee

The mother of one of my best friends always used to say to us 'if its meant for you it won't go by you'.
She used to toss this out every time we had boyfriend or lack of boyfriend troubles. Sometimes we try to hard to make a relationship work and hang on to it despite what our instincts are telling us because we want it to work even though it isn't meant for us.
I know I could have spared myself a lot of tears and heartache if I'd listened to that advice.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Jaydee- you're absolutely right. If you have to play stupid games or alter your natural form of communication, it's not worth the time. I truthfully don't know what's going on with him and trying not to get emotionally caught up in it. I KNOW he is legitimately EXTREMELY busy and stressed. I know he has emotional issues (long story and personal) but I can't tell if he's shy, secretly harboring homosexual tendencies (there are reasons to consider this) or is literally super busy and overwhelmed and it is as he says and I need to accept he needs space, stop over thinking and calm down. I know men are different from us, I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and that gave me a lot of insight. I know men literally have a different brain structure from us, even me with aspergers which is more similar to a normal male brain than a typical female brain. Their corpus collosum which connects the left and right hemisphere is quite a bit thinner (testosterone in utero actually does this) so they can't operate with both sides of the brain as frequently or as easily as women can. Why they tend to this is straight lines and women tend to think in clusters. And why men have a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time but are often times in a deeper sort of focus. Also why they tend to better with mathematics and electrical work. Finger length can also display what sex hormones a person was exposed to in utero. 

I still hear from him regularly, we still talk but I'm always full of doubt and suspicion which is more my problem than his (I have emotional and psychological damage too). Long story short my exs were psychopaths like legit cold, unfeeling creatures but not killers, just lacking human feeling and were quite abusive. With this guy time will tell and truthfully I'm trying to keep my distance emotionally but easier said than done because no matter how I try I'm CRAZY about him and he DRIVES me CRAZY. I know he has emotional and psychological issues and I do too and we're both HORRIBLE over thinkers but we do it in different ways and I don't want to be a jerk because I asked him when I was at his house why he had been ignoring me and he's like I swear I'm not. I'm just busy and I'm well me and full of doubts and suspicion and trying not to be that psycho, insecure woman. I don't know what my instincts are telling me on this, I'm crazy about him but holding myself back emotionally because even though I know he cares about me and I mean something to him. I don't know if this will become what I hope or not and I have other, more important matters on my plate. And sometimes it bothers me because he has never once called me attractive. I know he thinks I am, a woman can always tell but I also know he's very guarded because he's been hurt badly. And it's not that I need to hear it all the time but once in awhile Id like to hear it specifically from him because to me I dont really care what anyone else thinks, just him. And logically I KNOW it makes NO sense to fret because what will be will be and if it's meant to be it will and if not than something better will come but easier to say than accept :lol: 

And not to seem conceited but I've been approached for modeling multiple times. I know Im an attractive woman (I'm not nasty or overly critical of other women) but I think we all like to hear we're beautiful specifically from the person whose opinion matters to us. In general feelings terrify me :lol:

LOVE Tina Turner, in general how I feel about emotions :lol: puts me on edge and I'm skeptical, doubtful and suspicious. I cant trust my feelings or instincts, they've mislead me before. 









Not a pretty ride. I really think his saddle was too narrow through his withers, so he can't lift up through his withers because the pressure of the saddle is blocking him. Sometimes I wish we could show bareback :-( I actually prefer bareback. There were dry spots at the withers after this ride and it was reflocked in April but at this stage of the game horses change so quickly. Wonder would get really upset if I really pressed for bend around my inside leg through the ribcage. Especially left like he really didn't want to engage the muscle on the left side. He's not at all something you can lock and hold or do excessive aids on or mechanically manage. Or it goes from trying to inverted, flipping himself around and taking off really fast. It's better to be patient and ask for a little more and a little more. If you do it all at once, he just inverts and has a fit about it. Ideally I'd want more bend in the ribcage for shoulder in and haunches in. Him I try to ride more on 4 tracks than 3 when schooling because he is not overly supple. Also wish we had mirrors. New barn has one but with they had them on the long sides for laterals. Whole point of mirrors is to connect the bend to the feeling because each horse is SO different. 






And example of him having a tantrum from March. That's what he does if you press for too much and he feels it is unfair. 1:10 some of this is why he's the only horse my trainer has ever suggested to try draw reins on a few rides. I have a pair, I just hate using them. He's MUCH better now. But getting to that point IS hard. He's very hard to ride effectively. I had a friend suggest a girl who had gone through WIT and I watched her ride, even though she did saddlebreds and I said she just doesn't have the timing, strength or feel to put together something like Wonder. She just doesn't. Auction warmblood youngster are WAY easier than Wonder. I've seen better riders struggle so hard on him. And it's frustrating for me because when I produce a horse, I like them to be ridable for other people. It is the greatest gift we can give a horse, ridability and easy to handle/manage. Part of the enjoyment for me is seeing someone else able to get on and have success and with him. I've just given up on that. He is what he is, just have to work with it. He's with me for a reason. 

Like Layla would throw fits when challenged and because I pushed her pretty hard but then her mom would ride and wouldnt ask for so much, no fits. She was a good lady and very easy to ride and for her mom to feel what she needed to when I taught her.






June when saddle fit


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## PoptartShop

Not to be mean, & don't take this the wrong way, but it has to be said...not sure why you are still even talking to this guy, if he doesn't seem to truly be into you (doesn't mean you are too 'feminine', looks are NOT everything), why bother with him? If a man TRULY wants you, he will act like he wants you. No 'too busy' excuses, none of that. I don't think he's automatically a homosexual just because he isn't that into you...maybe he just doesn't know what he wants, & I wouldn't bother wasting another second on him. It doesn't mean he's a homosexual. You cut him off for a reason before, maybe it's best to cut him off again. 

If you aren't sure how he feels, why keep talking to him? I've been through situations like this before, & the harsh reality is they just weren't into me. Didn't mean I wasn't 'attractive', but maybe I wasn't their type? Maybe they just didn't want to be with me. There's a million guys in this world...why waste time on this one? Also, you said that you aren't nasty towards other women but constantly say that danish women are masculine? I don't think that's very nice, they may not be American but bringing other types of women down isn't too nice...we can't judge people by how they look. You may meet some pretty nice girl friends over there that you share interests with!

Looks fade. Looks aren't everything. A look can't keep a man. Beauty can't keep a man or make a man want you. Personality & who you are matters more than anything...anyway, like I said, not trying to be mean but I would block him and carry on with your life. He's not worth it. You can't force things. I was single for 8 YEARS before I got with my current boyfriend. Just enjoy Wonder, Denmark, your studies, & the right man will come eventually. I just don't think he's it.


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## jaydee

I once dated a really sweet guy who I was introduced too by friends from my church. He made all of the running yet constantly moved the goal posts around in terms of how much time he wanted to spend together. It seemed to lurch from wanting to be with me all the time to suddenly needing his space and almost going off the radar. Then he'd be back talking about getting married and how inseparable we were. It was doing my head in so I had to end it. He moved away from the area but turned up out of the blue at a mutual friends house about a year later with a boyfriend and admitted to always being a 'gay' but felt he needed a wife for some sort of social standing and to please his family.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Allison- I appreciate that you care enough to voice your opinion but here is my take.

Honestly I don't know because when I saw him the first time he couldn't stop staring at me, making eye contact and made excuses to touch me like when we hugged it's like he didn't want to let go and when we parted looked back at me a few times. And he seemed so sincere in we'll still write and I'll see about making time next week to see you but have a lot to do as though he was asking me because he wasn't sure if I'd disappear. And he seemed so sure with what he wanted from me, asked me the serious questions and said the only thing he's worried about with me is my love of cats because he might end up surrounded and didn't want his house over run by cats. He seemed like he really wanted to make it up to me and then I don't know what changed. I was so sure then it changed and I don't know why. When I was at his house he seemed serious but at the same time felt like he had his guard up and was super cautious. I asked what he wanted from me and he said he didn't know and he wanted to take things slow because he wanted to be sure I was it before jumping into a relationship. Because he'd done that in the past thinking this girl is it and then they ended up breaking up because he jumped in too fast. Why do I keep talking to him? Because I have hope and I don't know what suddenly changed. Will it blow up in my face? Honestly most likely, I know that but I don't want to close the door just yet. He's still my friend, I still care about him and we still have amazing discussions and I can talk to him about things in a way I can't with other people. He is a good person, an emotionally damaged one but he is a good person and truthfully I miss him when we dont talk because he is a friend. Even if we don't end up together, he is my friend and I'm not going to cut off a friend just because it didn't work out.

He is legitimately busy with construction. He is working really hard in his "off" time. I know that and to be fair to him, he told me he wanted to evaluate after his house is done because right now that is his first priority, he wants to prioritize other things but that's number one atm.

There were reasons for that theory and it wasn't because I felt "rejected" or simply wanted to "feel" better. I thought it sounded ridiculous at first but then thought on some things and it would make sense. I won't repeat on here some of the things he has said but a friend pointed it out to me and I was like OMG that would explain a lot. I thought some of the comments he has made were quite strange. I had a friend whose bf was in the closet and needed similar things in the way I wont discuss. My friend's ex preferred more masculine type females before he eventually "came out." That is why someone said "perhaps I'm too feminine" to me which would be accurate if it IS true. If this theory is correct which Im NOT saying it is. And if it is true. NO it wouldn't make me feel better. It would make me feel deeply sorry for him because that would be SO hard to live with and he is my friend. My sympathy goes to him regardless of what he becomes in my life. I genuinely care about him, not just whether or not we'll work out.

I think WE ALL feel insecure and doubt ourselves and feel like we're not good enough sometimes. WE ALL DO IT. And honestly a lot of the times I feel like I'm simply not enough and it doesnt matter what I do, what I achieve or what people say because that's how I feel inside. Maybe I'm not supposed to say that but it's the truth. So yes the root is insecurity but I also think whether we're willing to admit it or not we like to feel attractive and wanted. Of course personality and conversation matter more than appearances, of course it is our character, our heart and our soul that matter more but I think it is very untrue when people say looks dont matter. They're NOT everything but they matter and people care about them. Sometimes it feels good to make ourselves up and feel pretty, I don't think women should feel ashamed for wanting to feel beautiful or apologize for wanting to be appreciated in that way by someone. Sometimes it is nice to hear, no I dont need to hear it all the time but once in a while I need the reassurance. You can call me shallow and conceited for it but it's honest.
__________

Jaydee- that is almost exactly what has been suggested to me in this whole thing. He has said similar things about the need to have a family, marry and have kids because he is the last of the men in his family line. There are other things too that would make sense. NOT saying he is but it is possible. His behavior has been similar. A while back he was like maybe I should buy a wedding ring and really SERIOUS about me, lots of joking, etc. then he'd get cold and then hot again like yes I'm serious. It's weird.

But that is a hard one because it is REALLY hard to tell if they are.


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## PoptartShop

There's nothing wrong with feeling beautiful or confident. LOL. Of course not. I didn't say looks don't matter, but they won't make someone stay or want you etc. Can't be self-absorbed, men like confidence but they don't like cockiness. It is good to be appreciated about your looks. My man always tells me how beautiful I am. But I don't beg for it or beg for the attention. It would make me look desperate, & that would NOT be attractive. :lol:

But I think you should still keep your options open. Actions speak louder than words. My man was VERY VERY busy when we first started dating. Extremely busy. He still made time. No matter what. That's what people do when they really really like someone & want to be with them.

If you do feel like he could be hiding something (like his sexual orientation) then maybe that's another reason why he should stay just a friend. Also maybe he likes both genders, it's a possibility. Regardless, if he really is serious he will prove that to you. Keep your options open. You can date around. He's not claiming you as his girlfriend, and you guys aren't even dating, so if other guys come up, give them a chance, that's all I was saying. 
I've talked to guys that 'aren't sure' what they want, & I said okay bye, I'm not waiting around for you to make up your mind. 
He's played you and made excuses to not see you, so I would've kept him blocked right there, but I know you still feel hopeful...just know you may get hurt, that's all! 

Anyway, hopefully Wonder keeps you occupied once he arrives and you won't have to think about him as much (the guy). I feel like once you focus on yourself & everything else, then things start to happen...when you least expect it. That's what makes it so great when it does happen.

How's the car?


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## knightrider

[quote
I think WE ALL feel insecure and doubt ourselves and feel like we're not good enough sometimes. WE ALL DO IT. And honestly a lot of the times I feel like I'm simply not enough and it doesnt matter what I do, what I achieve or what people say because that's how I feel inside. Maybe I'm not supposed to say that but it's the truth.][/quote]

Amen to that!

Just wanted to say how much I like your journal and click on it when I see a new entry. I appreciate the time and care you put into your thoughts.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Allison- I know you care about me, as I care about you so thank you for your care. 

Without a doubt. Appearances attract but they dont hold or sustain, that comes from within. In general I'm a pretty direct but diplomatic person and he has said he appreciates that in me. As well as sense of humor, my mind, etc but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I haven't been "chasing" him. Just doing my thing. If he hates it then he can chuck himself out. I've spent most of my life trying to be what someone else wanted and I'm tired. In the end it doesn't matter, people judge anyway. You can't win. So I'm honest about what I feel, regardless of how it is perceived. If people want to jump to conclusions or assume without asking, that's on them and not me. Perception isnt reality. If people want to dislike you, they will and it doesn't matter what you do, say or dont do or say. Why be less or put yourself down so others are comfortable? I spent so much of my life doing that and I ended up struggling with eating disorders for years and hating myself and for what? I was miserable, contemplated suicide and all kinds of things. I'd rather feel good and be proud of who I am than ever be that person again. And when I was a mentor for girls, I said much the same. Not everyone will like you or approve but don't get stuck on that, be happy, do right, and keep on keeping on.

I am. He hasn't made me a promise, we're not together. And frankly I don't know that he'll ever step it up or be what I need. He has hurt me, I haven't forgotten and my "return" ISNT out of desperation or need. He and I connect and understand something unspoken in one another, doesn't mean we'll end up together and nobody else has to understand that but we're the same. He has told me that as well and I feel it too. People can judge me, think less of me for it or whatever. In honesty I don't really care because its my life and I'm the one who lives with the consequences. Regardless I'm going to have a full, fulfilling life. 

It's very possible and would explain some things he's said *shrugs* I hope not for his sake because of the kind of life he wants to have. People are complicated, it's not that black and white especially ones that have psychological and emotional damage. And how people respond to it is different, depending on personality type and life experience. He's not a normal or typical guy. People are complicated and he's very complicated. So I don't know what the "truth" is. I'm just letting him have his space, letting him think, he's not impulsive in the same way most guys are and deeply mistrustful of "feeling" very INTJ type. I understand because logic guides me more than feeling but Im focusing on me. We still talk almost daily about various things and it is personal and funny. ATM I'm treating it as a friendship with "we shall see." 

I'm not holding my breath for any of it to be honest :lol: I'm not sure that sort of thing is actually meant for me. I like damaged, complicated people, that's who I click with. I'm complicated, they're complicated and its amazing but painful at the same time because we aren't "wired" right. So convention can apply or really doesnt at all. Don't think that will ever change. I don't think I can fix them and don't expect them to fix me, just hard to relate otherwise or for someone to keep my interest.

I can't have the plates issued to me or take a loan until I receive my Danish CPR :-( so still renting atm. They don't really do "leases" in Denmark. Wonder's importation fee was reduced, so Im THRILLED!
___________

knightrider- thank you so much  I try to be mindful and hope it has something to offer. Never claimed to be perfect but I am human and generally pretty genuine and honest. Could have called it thoughts of an autistic female :lol: I don't know since at this point Wonder isn't in the pictures yet.
___________

Returning to horses

Layla. I quite like this mare. She has a thoroughbred work ethic but warmblood mare sass lol. She's a hard worker. She's pretty downhill and naturally more "hunter" in type but I enjoyed riding her. Half pass work starts around 2:25 on the 2nd video. I was a little upset watching a young rider on her and a more western person wanted me to ride her more like that the young rider and I thought the young rider can't even balance her through the turns, she's entirely on the forehand and lost all her hock engagement. If this horse is meant to be a training level horse the rest of her life fine but her mom wants a PSG horse, so the foundation has to be laid and that musculature has to be developed. However what people dont always realize is when you ask this from a horse, they need more maintenance like regular chiropractic, and imo adequan. If someone is SERIOUS about having an upper level horse and doing it WELL they need to put in the maintenance. Like Wonder has had PRP on his stifles. He's ALWAYS had a hitch in the right stifle. I chose that over an injection because PRP uses his body to heal itself and may prove to be a more long term solution than a simple injection which just brings inflammation down and does nothing for repair. I also had to inject his SI after he came off the track. He had a hitch there and hasn't needed a repeat injection. Sometimes you inject and it is a one time thing and they don't need it again but if you don't inject when you need to, it can cause long term damage. 

Dressage horses take a LOT of maintenance. And that includes regular massage. I need to massage Wonder more regularly, I think that would help a lot. I don't think people understand what all goes into producing a performance horse because they only see what goes on in the show ring. The truth is there are a LOT of kinks that get worked out before most top riders EVER show a horse to the public. I'll never be a top rider, not a goal. I just enjoy the process of producing horses. The first years are the hardest imo.










3:12 some half step work. Half pass 3:48





About a month after starting





Half pass begining about 4





Lots of collected work and some Layla tude that was a process to work through. Not the easiest but I enjoyed working with her. Lots of try. The mouthing she's always done when stressed or working hard. The trainer she came from creates a lot of weird mouth habits on horses.





3yr old morgan filly I developed





This is the behind the scenes work people don't see and it's not pretty but it is an important step. I have done similar work with Wonder but with Wonder you have to be more careful. It's not all pretty, sometimes it's ugly and you have to draw the line in the sand and say hey here is the expectation and make it really clear. When you've ridden in the hundreds of horses and handled thousands you do make things clear because you have to have the end goal in mind and be realistic.


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## knightrider

I will bet that everyone in Denmark is excited about this win. I was amazed at how beautifully she rides with no legs at all. How closely did the Danes follow this?

"Denmark’s Stinna Tange Kaastrup made her global golden breakthrough in the Para dressage competition at the 2018 World Equestrian Games(WEG) on Tuesday (18 September) in Tryon, USA.
A double bronze medallist at the 2016 Paralympic Games and regular medallist at European Championships, the Danish rider captured her first world title after winning the grade II individual competition. She rode Horsebo Smarties to score 72.735% ahead of Austria’s multi-world, European and Paralympic champion Pepo Puch; and the Netherlands’ Nicole den Dulk in second and third, respectively.
Speaking after the medal ceremony, and holding her medal tightly, an emotional Tange Kaastrup said: “It’s beautiful isn’t it? I really love that horse so much. To be able to share this with him means a lot, it really does. It really hit me in there [at the medal ceremony] when he came in. We have such a special bond.”
Tange Kaastrup’s win was even more impressive given a slight stumble in her test when she forgot one of the moves and had to restart, costing her two marks. 
“I was really affected by the heat,” she said. “We trained in T-shirts in all the training sessions and then I had to put the coat on today and it put me under a lot of pressure because it was so warm. I lost focus a little because of it and I am annoyed about that but it’s a learning.” "


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## TuyaGirl

Absolutely!! No matter what you do, people will ALWAYS judge you. So do what makes you happy and be yourself. We reach a certain point in our lives where we just can't going on living accordingly to expectations 

But don't make high expectations about this guy. As we usually say in here "A 'no' is always guaranteed", so whatever has to happen will happen, for the better or worst. Soon you will have your horse with you and that will make your mind and heart more busy. Catching feelings can be so complicated, lol! Last time I met a 'broken soul' we felt like we knew each other forever. Things were so easy going at the beginning, until he started to be too dependent on me, like trying to make me his own life. I felt like I had no such healing power, neither I had all the time he wanted to spend with him (I have older parents, horse, work…). For the most it may have hurt, I had to let go. Sometimes I miss him saying how attractive I was, but I may have the opposite issue and enjoy my alone time too much… Oh well… 


And you are so pretty!!


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- She's pretty amazing and inspiring! I'm sure a lot of Danes are thrilled with the win, I just haven't heard much about it to be honest. But she's amazing!
__________

tuyagirl- Precisely! People dont listen to understand, they listen to respond. People want to assume, they don't want to ask questions. I also agree we should have less expectation and just focus on doing our best. Control what we can, let go of what we cant.

Id say they have opposite responses to being "broken." But yes I'm gradually reeling in my feelings like a fish wire. Clarity is clearer with less emotion. I sort of hate emotion to be honest :lol: I feel much more comfortable with logic. It's going to be what it's going to be and I just have to focus on myself and Wonder who will be here in 9 days (but whose counting). I miss him SO SO much. 

And thank you 
__________

Let's be real for a moment because I always find this relatively amusing. People LOVE to put other people down, people seem to feel better when bringing someone else down a peg, even people who think themselves nice. Why is that? Why as a society can we not stand to see someone else rise? Why are we always expected to apologize for who we are and conform to somebody else's expectation of who we should be? I think a lot of people are miserable because they don't really know who they are, they just think they do because they spend their lives trying to make other people comfortable. It doesn't mean being out of control and it doesn't mean being an @ss hole but it means being truly honest and genuine with ourselves and asking the tough questions. Do I think this because it is convention? Do I feel threatened? What is objective reality? We're never going to be perfect or know but it's a start. We can all be hypocrites in some way but most cant see it within themselves. Acknowledge the hypocrisy and be real. Have real integrity. Want to know what courage is? Facing yourself honesty and know when faced with a tough decisions, you can make it. Not being blinded by idealism or a false sense of reality. That is where I try to live, objective reality rather than an idealized sense of reality. It is a way of separating the self from being personal or emotional and that is where reality is. It is hard to separate experience and interpretation, heck it's impossible but the attempt brings us closer to clarity.

Want to know what you learn when you're broken that your instincts and gut feelings are misguided. That they're an illusion, much like perception. 

Some half arabs. For those who know these were VERY difficult horses. 

Raphael half wb the stallion is KNOWN for producing good temperaments but not so with this one. The reason we were cantering so much is because when I had asked him to go forward in the canter he reared straight up, vertical with me. I have the picture and video but not showing. He was literally straight up. Eventually I gave up on this particular horse as have others. He was quite good for a few months than all of a sudden it's like you couldn't do anything with him. He had been really good one ride and then I went to gather the reins after the warm up and break, and he leaped straight up into the air, twisting buck threw me into the wall and missed double barrel kicking my head in by cms. He hadn't been naughty in months, I thought it was over and came back with a vengeance. Chiropractor saw him, massage, all of that and no solution. Had a cowboy whose quite good ride him and his conclusion was much the same.











Dante. I think this is the trickiest horse I have ever developed but I am so thankful for the lessons he taught me. Quite a tricky personality :lol: learned more about contact, timing and connection from him than any other horse. Jeeze I remember for a while if I didnt soften in the right time in any lateral, he'd rear straight up. And one time I was riding him on the buckle and closed my thighs to ask for woe and he reared straight up hit me in the teeth, I was bleeding and he danced on his back legs like a ballerina.

Then bareback HAD to have a pad or if I cantered he'd rear and buck until I hit the dirt. One time I had internal bleeding. He grew out of it and I eventually got him to quit rearing altogether, and bucking but then I was told stories about how at a jumper barn he was bucking off every rider for a while and so his mom had to get on and straighten him up. He's seriously in the perfect home, his mom has a lot of natural feel and talent. Was a junior national champion for hunters and raised riding arabs, so she was fully prepared for the tude.

First ride on him, he was recently broke










Dante, a little bit naughty. Dont know if I still have video of him being very naughty lol.










Getting him to respond properly to contact took a LONG LONG time. Absolutely the hardest, most difficult horse I've ever had to train about contact to. He would have a little meltdown if he felt you THINK about touching the bit with your fingers. Just tricky. If you haven't ridden something like him than it is impossible to understand. Struggled a lot with him but had I not had Dante I would never be able to ride Wonder. Wonder and Dante are VERY different, I'd say equally difficult but in very different ways. Wonder is a LOT stronger, more willful and powerful but he wants to do the work and he's better built for it. Dante was quirkier and more difficult in other ways but this work was also EXTREMELY hard for him. He just wasnt built for it. He was so downhill and he had a typical arab stifle position with stifles positioned behind, rather than underneath so I think this work was painful for him. Either way he's a hunter now and doing great! Cleaning up at open shows 





Quite green tb mare I tried, lady saw how good she went with me and took her off the market. She's not Wonder quality but still a nice mare but truthfully I've never seen a tb quite like Wonder. Not with that amount of "sit" or hind end power. Heck I haven't seen that many WBs that I looked at and said oh yeah that's going to do the GP










About 38


















Dante and I really miss my mare. It still breaks my heart to sell her but I chose Wonder. He's the GP prospect.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I really don't like socializing if I don't have to. Part of being an introvert and a salty veteran. Talked a lot with my Marine buddies which was nice. I'm so glad to hear they're doing so well. I miss them, I miss the Marines. People were very real and very crude in a hilarious, inappropriate way. Very dark sense of humor. Kinda like the Danes. The Danish have quite a dark sense of humor and in some ways remind of the Marine culture. They drink alot, love to laugh with dark jokes and inappopriatness. It's like being home  they're hard to offend. But cant really get into groups, people keep wanting me in group and Im just really uncomfortable. Just like my solitude.

Really nice conversations with him but I know he's gay now. Not going to elaborate. This journal is not about him but I'm glad I know. Still my friend and I care about him but there is no future with a man who isnt interested in women but wants to marry a woman to produce an heir and continue his family line :| I wont pretend I'm not a bit devastated but it's for the best and Im accepting it. Just really numb and shaken. Wasnt expecting that. Feel bad for him.

Wonder comes in one week! I miss him SO SO much! I'm super excited to see him again! I need some positivity! And Alma is great. REALLY need to focus on classes but truthfully Im distracted. Still waiting on my Danish CPR. Had a very expensive tax bill for stuff being shipped to me. VAT is not a joke. 25% tax in Denmark. REALLY struggling to focus on class atm. Had some ice cream and a glass of wine.

I caved and bought Wonder some goodies over the past two months, MASSIVE sales like 50% off quite a few items. Double bridle, white saddlepad with navy trim, white saddlepad with red trim, bell boots, gel guard for the curb chain, gel for his nose, white wraps, polos, liquorice treats, stable blanket for winter, grain, etc. I was told Wonder is doing well but VERY VERY needy and desperate for attention ALL THE TIME. They said he misses having a job and wants some Mom time.


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## Tihannah

Glad to hear the wait is almost over. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you Tina!! I think Wonder will be stoked about having his mom back and having a job again. Probably going to just do ground and in hand work the first week while he settles. It is a BIG move. 

I can't wait to have him in my life again, it's been way too long. I think he'll be much happier here. Not so hot, less bugs and lots of out door riding.


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## Rainaisabelle

So glad he’s almost with you!


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## PoptartShop

YAY!!! This week should fly by for you so you can be reunited again


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you Raina and Allison, I really appreciate it! This time without him just shows me how much I NEED him in my life. I'm so sad without him, he's a wonderful horse.Tons of personality and I've been told he misses me and is quite needy and desperate for attention. They said he's bored and ready to go back to work. But they do GREAT with him. It's why I chose them, they work with arabian racehorses and so they understand Wonder. He's SO much better when surrounded by hot horses than warmbloods or ponies. It's like it soothes him. He got along GREAT with the saddleseat horses. Saddleseat horses are HOT.

Wonder update: they are prepping him to be ready. He is getting a bath and had his feet done. I told them to leave his bridle path, I'll clip it as I have his clippers and a converters for a european outlet.

Struggling with classes quite a bit. It's because I REALLY struggle to understand information from reading, I need to have it SHOWN and be walked through but I'm determined to figure out how to learn in this way. The brain is fairly plastic, so it is POSSIBLE to mold it some (not totally rewire) but help it learn the way it needs to in order to thrive outside a school setting. Which honestly I MUCH MUCH prefer to work than be in school. I was an honor student and invited to the honors society every semester in the US but this is very different. All self study and truthfully havent gone to class because it's a far drive, gas is SO expensive and I NEED to figure out how to do this! It's the hard way but long term will be VERY rewarding.

About neuroplasticity. 





DETERMINED TO OVERCOME THIS. IT IS REALLY REALLY HARD






This is one of the BEST Ted Talks I've heard, SO SO SO accurate about abusive relationships. You don't know until you look back and then you realize what they were doing. People always blame the victim and don't understand how it happens. Ive heard people say that just happens to "dumb" people or that just happens to "weak" people. No it doesnt. It happens to empathetic, kind and good people. It happens to confident, successful, beautiful people. It can happen to ANYONE. And I think this message is SO SO important for people to understand. It doesn't just happen to some random, strange person. It's happening to your neighbor, your best friend, your cousin, your teacher or it can happen to anyone. Furthermore just because you don't have bruises, doesn't mean it's not abuse and highly destructive. Only one of my exs ever laid a hand on me and what followed was the last time I saw him, the others it was psychological and emotional. They do NOT start off as abusers, by the time the abuse starts you are so accustomed to blame yourself for it. They often DO NOT go after weak, stupid women-they go after STRONG, ACCOMPLISHED, INTELLIGENT women because it is more of a challenge and more interesting to break a STRONG but COMPASSIONATE woman than it is to break down one already broken. I think this is VERY important for people to know and understand because I NEVER thought it would happen to me. And EVERY guy I've ever let into my life in that way has been a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist or some combination of. I have my theories as to why but that's another issue altogether and not pivotal to understanding abuse. 





Also my old event horse. All these photos are about 11yrs old. The ones in the light with me jumping were when neither this horse and I had jumped in 6 months (I was focusing on dressage) to up my scores. And the really dark ones are from a show we were doing 3'3-3'6. It was a schooling show and we did the training and prelim course for practice. I have hardly ANY pictures from the time. Parents quite cheap and dont like to pay for pics and I was like yeah I'd rather have another show than have pictures. 

11yr old dressage video





8yrs ago Bailey-a QH





6yrs ago Leo, this was after rehab. We did training because he just started canter again 3wks prior.


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## lostastirrup

Thank you for posting those TED talks. My dad and my brother both really struggle with their ADHD and a lot of insecurity that goes with "am I good enough even if I have this" they are both ultra intelligent, but somehow words and affirmation are often not enough to encourage them.. the brain is different and you have to address it differently. 

I'll laud you, because as far as I can tell its a struggle- a major struggle, and our media, high speed visual byte modern lifestyle is really hard to cope with along with this expectation that a person should be able to manage 150+ things at once. And thats a freaking mountain to overcome. That you can do it, and ride and zone in (im actually suspicious that Dressage may be the best therapy to a lot phychological struggles and mental pattern building) and do school is incredible.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Truthfully I didn't expect anyone to read or watch them :lol: but was like my journal f*** it! I don't care. Might mean something to someone.

Absolutely! ADHD is not easy to live with and people think it's a joke or people use it as an excuse and it's like no. It's a struggle! The fast paced, constant flood of stimulus makes it SUPER hard to concentrate and function in the office and chair driven life. And you're welcome! I think it's so important to UNDERSTAND others and that people are different and interpret, view and experience the world differently! And that is OKAY. There are a lot of biases against people who think "differently." I think especially for females because they tend to have the group and click mentality and if you don't "fit" you're the enemy. Most people don't care that you have to fight yourself every morning just to basically function. I think most are like you're just full of sh!t. I remember I had a really bad depression spell for a long while and I literally struggled to get out of bed. I'd go to work and NO ONE knew I was struggling then I'd go home and sit in a corner and just shake and cry and hate myself then I'd just sleep, barely eat. And so many awful thoughts about how I suck, I'll never amount to anything, life is pointless, I dont deserve to be happy, I hate myself, everyone would be better off with out me, etc. I hid it for a long time because I knew the thoughts that my whole self "believed" weren't me but you can't just "reason" yourself out. It's like your mind is your worst enemy and no matter how hard you fight, you cant win and eventually you just get tired and you have no energy or motivation and it's physically painful. When youre depressed your whole body feels like pain. Then you can just be completely apathetic and numb and not care about anything at all and it is SO SO hard to get ANYTHING done because you just dont care. It's like your have to force yourself to breathe because you just dont want to be alive and pray pleading to just die and not wake up. I remember weekends I'd barely eat and would hardly get out of bed if I didn't HAVE TO. I just shut off and hid away. 

I think dressage is great therapy, especially with autism and coordination. It helps a LOT. I wasn't diagnosed until 25, I think it would have helped a lot to know early on but girls are often overlooked. You're a girl you dont have autism or you don't display "list of male symptoms" because people dont understand than men and women display autism differently! I can make eye contact because I have worked hard to do so, it is also not uncommon for people on the spectrum to have too much eye contact. Sometimes you have to time eye contact, so that is seems natural. 

Yep. Depression is definitely setting in. I am having a hard time to get up or even get out of bed. It's like a half hour process just to motivate myself enough to get out of bed in the morning. And now Ive been out of bed for over an hour and all I want to do is crawl back into bed and not wake up. The thing I hate most about it is you literally have NO motivation to do anything, so it is hard to motivate yourself enough to do basic things like eat or make coffee or get out of bed and do something other than sleep. Thank God for Alma, she wakes me up and is like I NEED food MOW! She is the most demanding, needy little cat I've ever met. But I love her.

My cause for depression is genetic and chemical. My family has had depression generation after generation since the 1800s and it's on both sides. 3 of my 4 grandparents have depression and much of my family is treated. It's not really in the family "values" or "culture" but definitely in our genes. It skipped my dad (both his parents have it) but my mom has it and her father and sister, etc. I am treated for it but sometimes there are still episodes.


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## TuyaGirl

I am so sorry to hear that what you suspected about him is in fact true. I wonder if he will ever find someone willing to be with him just to have a child? Anyway I think that it should make it easier for you, knowing that he truly was the wrong person. I hope that you get the strength to get over it soon.


Wonder's arrival will help tremendously. He misses you too  Just two more days and you will be reunited, how exciting is that?? Just don't let depression sink in. I was precisely thinking how owning a cat can keep you out of bed? Because they demand that you get up  You got this!! 


Being around people all day drains me. I am so not a people person. Like I melt when I see an animal and avoid eye contact with human beings  Sometimes my friends at work laugh when I say I am tired of being nice. I think they don't understand I really mean it.


And Dante's expression, oh my. That's a grumpy looking horse!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Well he lies, deceives and is not the person I thought. So truthfully I'm sure he'll find someone to bear his children but it isn't going to be me. I'm over it now that I understand what he is, what he was doing and his lack of conscience. Not a good person. Not a good person at all. My eyes are open at least, so that is important. Stay away from deceptive people who are in denial of everything they are and lie to you. Cant help them, they blame you and lack the maturity to deal with anything. Taking some time to honestly reflect upon myself to break the pattern because my type is broken and that will NEVER be healthy. So he's cut off, a total jerk. No coming back, I can forgive once after that it's just poor character. Dont insult, belittle and condescend me just because you have issues.

Yes it will. I've been very down much of the day. Not related to him, I'm over him but still doing some internal reflection. And depression had been starting a while. I have it, so it comes even when treated sometimes. But yes Wonder and Alma improve my life very much.

I understand. It takes a lot to be around people and to pick up all their energies and filter through what they say vs what they actually mean, ulterior motives and what games they may be playing and all the rest. Humans are exhausting! When you're alone you can be yourself, you don't have to play the social games or be what other people want you to be and let your hair down so to speak. Most people dont appreciate honesty. So I wouldn't say you're tired of being nice but tired of wearing a mask to avoid scrutiny and fit into society.

Yes he was. He was a very opinionated, ornery sort of horse. A few times tried to ride bareback without the pad and in canter reared and bucked until I hit the ground, had internal bleeding once. So ALWAYS used a pad after that and was scared to canter him bareback for a while because of some hard falls. 
_____________

WONDER IS ON THE PLANE TODAY!!! I will be seeing him this SUNDAY!!!

I'm so excited! Who needs a man when I have Wonder, he's better than any man and much more handsome. 

I heard since it was so hot he was quite pathetic and now he is showing his true colors and full of energy. They were like didn't realize he was so fresh :lol: and I said I didn't either until I saw him when it wasn't incredibly hot and was like oh my, I bought a LOT of horse. More than I expected but that's okay. I bought him 24 of June so weather was still very hot. Didn't realize how hot he was until it cooled down :lol: he's still a sweet, kind horse and he's quite playful and always curious, investigative and wanting to get into EVERYTHING but very charming in that way. So excited. Going grain shopping today, they have a BIG sale on the gastro grain. It's about $7 cheaper per bag, so I'm getting a bunch and some high oil, NO OATS mash. I've careful about his diet. He DOESNT need any more heat! He's going to be cold and fresh here. Over winter even on 8hrs a day turnout you could just feel the energy radiate off of him. He was just intense and you could feel it just standing in the cross ties like LETS GO, LETS GO, Im ready to work! Come on, Come on lady tack me up and LETS PLAY!


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## knightrider

Sunday is TOMORROW!!! (For us in US anyway). I am excited for you. Hope it all goes perfectly.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider-he came last night at 2230, so I didn't get back home until almost 0100!! But he was super 

Wonder has made it!!

I LOVE him SO SO SO much!! He is absolutely amazing to work with. He is in side reins because without he was looking and turning around and leaping in the air. So had to direct his energy or it was a mess. I hadnt found his boots yet but have them now! He has SO SO many bell boots because he usually wears them front and back. He cuts himself up so much :| going to talk to Henrik the farrier I know here who was the farrier for the olympic team. Very nice man. I like him a lot.

But Wonder is AMAZING. I did some in hand spanish walk work with him and his spanish walk was by far the BEST it has ever been and I know he hasn't been worked on with it in 2 months. I was amazed. He had so much more height, reach and control with better sequence. I was so impressed! And he enjoyed doing it! He LOVES LOVES LOVES to work. He was like a different horse after work. Before he seemed a bit sad or shut down, afterwards he was bright eyed and had this "happy" feeling to him. Lunging was short, maybe 10-12min. Conditioning is a slow process. So naturally he passaged all the way from the outdoor arena to the barn :lol: then we went for a walk in the fields and he ate grass and had his lunch grain meal of mash.
https://www.hhcare.dk/havens-slobber-mash-hestefoder-20-kg
grains
https://www.horsefeed.nl/files/media/havens-gastro-engl.pdf
stabilized rice bran
and build up as a protein supplement, so not fed as a feed.
https://brogaarden.eu/collections/hestefoder/products/optimal-build-up-15-kg

He is engaging his hind end much better, I've never seen him track up this much even through cavaletti! and I think I need his saddle done again, the flocking feels lumpy after the plane ride. I order his double bridle bits to try as well. Need to make sure he's where I want in the snaffle before I try the kandar. Also needs to be stronger he keeps falling in and falling out with irregular rhythm. I said more forward to help sit him up and stop falling into me. But first day back, so it is as it is. Will be much better and getting him more through his back. Here he's just like WEEE








https://brogaarden.eu/collections/hestefoder/products/optimal-build-up-15-kg

Also my cat helps me study...


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## DanteDressageNerd

Comments were up above but Im drinking wine and have adhd really bad and had a mistep


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## TuyaGirl

Yay!!!!

So happy for you!! You have your horse back  And is doing great!
Loved the first mirror picture ('that me?'), and could not stop smiling at Alma playing. Aww, such a sweet girl!


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## DanteDressageNerd

TuyaGirl- thank you! I am SO SO SO happy to have him with me!! 

He's such a lovely boy! He's settled in quite well and is getting goofier and goofier. And more confident and more confident in himself. 

And yes Alma is definitely a sweetheart, she's a total goofball and VERY NEEDY and DEMANDING but she is so so sweet. I rubbed her belly and she rolled onto her back and wanted scratches. She's quite parrot and dog-like. She's a bit special :lol: I don't know if I draw "special" animals to me or if I make them a bit "special" I really don't know.
___________

Wonder and I went on a hack yesterday, no it was not relaxing. No I cant trot him or he takes the bit and bolts and there is no stopping him. So we just walk until he learns to calm down, not jig or feel like I hold my breath to long and hell take off. He looks for the excuse to go but then you do anything other than walk and he gets SUPER intense and fired up. His intensity and heat is not from anxiety or nervousness, it's more of a over zealous, eager to work, enthusiastic thing. On the ground he's so sweet and I've gotten numerous compliments on what a friendly, charming horse he is and how well he behaves. And undersaddle how nice and relaxed he looks (HUGE compliment) because if I hold my breath too long he takes off. I'm hoping hacking will help bring him to a more relaxed, balance state of mind. Keeping our work sessions short but it's really hard to do because he feels like he could do another hour each time I get off but I do so I don't end up hurting him or him hurting himself. Simply because he's willing, doesnt mean he should. We got a few piaffe steps I saw in the mirror which made me excited, so I jumped off. And not coming back to it for a bit. His spanish walk had been really good. I'm really impressed. I hope to get video sometime. Put some shim in the back of his pad and it helped so much with how "bouncy" he is. Part of the bounce is the saddle and I think too much weight sits towards the back and not enough balance. So that helped a lot. I try to avoid sitting as much as possible or too much collected mostly. Large circles, figures of 8, shallow loops, leg yield, etc and just keeping it relaxing and supple. Goal is to do some low and deep in the canter which is very hard but I think will help soften his back. He also needs to see a chiropractor. He has a spot in his neck that he cant move quite right. 

May take him on another hack today. He's good with a quarter sheet but do more than walk and it's too awkward for us. He doesn't like something touching his bottom like that, invades his personal space. He is MUCH MUCH happier and more relaxes in work, he gets stressed without a job. He likes to think. We've done quite a bit of ground and in hand stuff too which he loves. I fill my pocket with treats and he gives me the best spanish walk steps. He totally knows the expectation lol. Cracks me up. He also think everyone is his friend and sticks his whole face in other people's faces asking for kisses and they think he's so charming lol. He's also funny, licks the ponies and will grab their lead lines to pull them to him so he can groom them. Or he makes faces with flipping his lips and nodding his head and taking apart things :lol: he's hilarious. 

I really need to come off the anxiety/depression drugs to do my studies but I can't come off of them or I start getting really paranoid about really weird stuff. The brain is such a complicated organ. Driving me crazy. I didn't complete my assignment due today, I tried and I sat down so many times and hours trying to complete it but I'll literally stare at a blank wall for hours and not get much done, so I'll study other things. I REALLY need to get this worked out. The ritalin isnt doing anything with the anxiety/depression drugs and my ADHD is REALLY REALLY bad. Not having a tutor is really hard on me, I need someone in the room helping me or I CANT concentrate and with study groups I think my fear of people gets in the way. People make me deeply uncomfortable, showing any sign of vulnerability or weakness in person is very hard for me because I'm worries what people will do to me. Maybe stupid but it is what it is. And I feel like I'm making excuses for lack of discipline or something and I dont know, I really hate myself for this horrible inability to just sit down and do work I HATE. Plus been trying to fill in and do a lot of paperwork for CPR and residence etc and then Wonder and I'm SO mad at myself. My biggest fear is losing my ability to stay in Denmark. I HAVE to work this out. I dont know if I should talk to the school or if it looks like I'm just full of [email protected] but I think I need to see a psychiatrist and get my meds sorted because if Im not really interested, I simply cant concentrate and it's so frustrating. It's such a simple thing WHY cant I concentrate on basic things everyone else can? I am 27 years old, this is BS and I hate myself so much. It's like when people talk so much about IQ being so important, it actually makes me MAD. My IQ is top 1% but it doesn't mean sh!t, I also have a lot of other problems that make me a less functional person that I struggle with everyday (and is often common with a high IQ). The highest functioning people, usually dont have brilliant IQs and I even remember my Dad telling me I'd probably be happier and more functional if I was less intelligent. IQ is vastly over rated and doesnt mean much in the big scheme of thing. Still makes me mad the emphasis that people put on it *eye roll*


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## gottatrot

Have you ever tried using a stronger bit for hacking? I've been on some horses that could not be ridden out safely in a snaffle. As you say, a person could walk, but anything faster and the horse would be too enthusiastic and run off. Yet it is so useful to be able to use the open spaces for good exercise, so I work to find the bit a horse can go out in. The trick with the hot types is to get just enough leverage but not too much to where they feel held back/trapped, or else you'll get explosiveness. I tend to try a kimberwicke first, then go up to a short-shanked curb (or Pelham), then longer if necessary. Some people will use a gag instead to increase the snaffle action. 

My last little mare needed more leverage than my TB does - she was so enthusiastic like your horse and not bad, but definitely knew she could run through a snaffle.
For me it is important to be able to get the horse to where I can long trot and canter them, and when you find the right bit this is possible. You of course are very experienced, so you know it is a different skill to ride a horse out versus in the arena, and a horse will be green out there even when experienced in an arena for awhile.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- thank you for the suggestion. I agree with you, better to bit up and be safe as well as effective than stubbornly trying to fight a losing battle. I haven't tried a different bit yet but his double is coming soon, so maybe I'll try that! 

Exactly, that's exactly like Wonder. He's not mean or naughty, just playful and happy and knows he can overpower me. And definitely riding well in an arena is very different from riding out. I'm glad I rode out a lot in my youth. Galloping bareback in a halter up and down hills and through ponds. Wonder makes me a little nervous that way because he isnt that sure footed (as you said arena experience is not field experience). He is a lot better than he was but still takes time to condition and get a horse very aware of it's body and feet up and down hill and on unlevel footing. I'd love to have safe trot sets with him. Maybe when his double comes in. But I'd like to take him out to the fields again, I think it's really good for him and the vet said with his stifles (he has stifle issues) he needs to do hill work to strengthen those muscles. It's also great for conditioning and it's actually dry so far today, so should be able to. Also need to put all 4 shoes on him. The sand and ground in Denmark just eats their foot up. 

Thought today he was very tired and also very very good out in the fields





Wonder's sire Midnight Lute. I think he got his ability to sit and personality from his daddy.











Wonder on lunge line. I didn't have a whip and yes he is tired. I really want to get video of his in hand spanish walk and piaffe. I'm trying to get him to do spanish walk undersaddle but sometimes it takes a bit to transfer. He LOVES doing spanish walk, not sure he likes to piaffe but I think he will when he gets more confident in it. Once he has piaffe, the passage will be very easy. Always teach piaffe before passage imo or the piaffe looks to artificial. I really don't like seeing piaffe where they lift the legs but dont actually collect, or carry weight from behind. Nobody hate me I never liked Totilas *hides* He looks very trick trained and artificial. Edward Gal is quite amazing but his rhythm is irregular and Totilas mechanics are poor. His front half and back half are not connected or really over the back. It's like two separate horses.





Taught a lesson yesterday which is fun for me, I enjoy helping people and was explaining a bit the idea of a half halt with the core and seat to sit the horse back. As well as giving instead of taking the rein to get suppleness and to encourage the horse down into the bridle. And using position and the timing of aids to help the horse. Like for a horse that leans in, step out hard into the outside stirrup, soften the inside rein and leg yield them out into the outside rein. Never keep an aid constant. Aid on- aid off and neutral and explain about the give and release of pressure being as important as the aid because the result happens in the release and is a reward for the horse. Plus my goal is to product horses in self carriage. Training and developing is more hands on but once they're there I want a self carrying horse. For instance I was explaining developing the canter piroette canter and how it's really in the inside leg to outside rein connection and seat of almost cantering in place like you're using your hip to (but without sitting heavy in the saddle or grinding, deep IS NOT heavy) it is becoming part of the horse. It's like you use the pockets to sit the croup down and the slide forward, core and thigh to invite the back up into your pelvis and inviting the shoulder to lift up into you. It's so hard to explain but I always think of riding a saddleseat horse with the feeling, except you're inviting the back up rather than dropping it down.

I make a conscious effort to sit as lightly but deeply as I can in the saddle. Wonder's back is VERY sensitive and it makes a big difference in how they move and use their back. My talent has always been to get good movement from mediocre horses and even better movement from talented horses

Pictures have Wonder's sire and Dam sire. Had a discussion about Wonder if he were a stallion, we think he'd have been approved as a thoroughbred stallion for the warmbloods. They're always looking for new blood from quality horses.

Also talked to someone today and she asked what I look for that is different in a GP prospect vs a PSG or low level prospect.


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## lostastirrup

That's so wonderful to be able to teach! I freaking love giving lessons (well once the kids are past the leadline stage and I can quit getting excerise at the same time). Will you be able to do enough lessons to make that something of a part time gig?


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you. I love to teach. I like teaching people who are about 1st level and beyond and improving their laterals and point out different moments in timing to improve reactivity and self carriage, as well as throughness and collection. The timing is so important and I love showing people how to use their seat in a way that creates the quality of paces or how to use rhythm and basic exercises to improve the horses self carriage and paces. Or show them a way to make the expectation clear and explain the expectation to the horse. I've schooled PSG-I1. 

For example a lot of people have a really hard time in laterals and the trouble is their timing sequence. You can't push a horse over, people want to use an aid in a constant or mechanical way, as though they think they can push a horse over. It's not that, the aid has to be thought of as an "ask." I always tell people the first part of asking begins in your mind and the projection of the feeling and what you want and then position and then aid. I use a lot of energy, like Wonder goes when I open the energy because a rider needs to ride quiet on him and he loves spurs because you can ride even quieter in them. I also do a lot breathing exercises on Wonder when he's tense and overpowering me because if I hold breath or channel the wrong energy he's a loose cannon I cant manage. But have to keep channeling relaxation and encouraging him to take a breath. He's too easy to get wound up and when he is, he's so tense and strong.

Like for walk, I explain you cant shove your seat and dont sit heavy into their back in a grind-that hollows the back out but you must move with them, think of moving their barrel between your legs like a large trash can, when you feel their rib cage push into the inside leg push back lightly and same with the outside leg and rock the barrel between to move over up the walk and get the freedom and openness in the back. With the whip you don't necessarily have to touch a horse. For example I carry a whip never forward but more of a hey remember this hind leg or for collected work but for example with Wonder I position the whip and hardly ever touch him with it. If I use it I position with it. Or leg yielding for each change of direction to re-establish the inside leg to outside rein in each direction or petting with the inside rein when you feel tension or resistance. And sometimes on something like say Wonder who is "too" uphill giving one rein and then the other to get them to open up and take the contact down and come over the back in a soft way. I do it on him quite a bit in the canter because he wants to get too uphill and when he does that he loses the jump and scope of the canter. Collection is easy for him but what he needs is to keep scope in his gaits.

Or using "turn on the forehand" feeling to develop a pirouette canter and set up for the pirouette. Even at shows I'd get so irritated because people would show 4th and PSG and couldn't even get a basic pirouette canter! It would drive me nuts because then their pirouette would be shoddy at best. Their shoulder ins and haunches in at canter were much to labored. By 4th and PSG it should be effortless. Just position and core and boom. But seriously turn on the forehand squares are great for building the pirouette canter and haunches in is great for improving the quality of the walk to canter and flying changes. 

I love building up the horses and people by breaking down the "bigger" movement into their elementary building blocks and it blows my mind when riders have their bronze medal but have no idea about how to build up and develop movement or improve the quality of the movement or develop good mechanics. I'm used to having to ride horses who dont have natural mechanics or natural quality. So I'm used to having to make a good rhythm in a canter that tends to be irregular. Wonder is one of the few horses I've seen who naturally has a perfect-crystal clear rhythm in the canter. 

Or I like pointing out mechanics of gaits which is what judges pay attention to and if you're looking for an upper level horse the difference between a PSG and a GP horse is partially in the mind but also in the mechanics of HOW the horse uses his body. It's so hard to explain, my trainer in the US is REALLY good at spotting talent and she taught me a ton about conformation and mechanics. She also did judges classes. I knew another trainer who always chose horses who would never make it up the levels because she picked based off of flash and big movement but had no eye for good mechanics, so her horses would end up "duds" as far as the sport is concerned and given the goals. A lot of trainers also BS clients and tell them a horse will do what they want to hear, so they can collect more money off the client. Horse world is not very ethical and they do this because everyone wants to think they have a GP horse but very few actually do. People sometimes act like the road to GP is a joke and you can just walk up the levels with no appreciation for HOW MUCH it takes. Like I've ridden for over 17yrs, trained with a lot of people, ridden hundreds of horses, worked with a ton, worked for an olympic rider to learn, worked with natural horsemanship trainers, saddleseat, CDI judges, multiple GP trainers, etc. Crying myself to sleep almost every night feeling like junk, riding 6+ horses a day and never feeling good enough and struggling to make ends meet or just struggling with difficult horses because I'd get people's rejects, problem horses that other trainers gave up on or horses that have poor base mechanics and have to make them have good ones and develop them. I think most of the time there isnt appreciation for the struggle and that's okay. Never been someone who needs attention or appreciation. But I do like helping people on their journeys. 

I've gone through a few horses to find Wonder. I need to get video of Wonder's in hand piaffe as an example of why that horse is a serious GP prospect and why out of my two Moray (BHSI instructor, dressage judge, conformation expert) and my trainer (GP rider, produced multiple horses to FEI levels) both agreed if I was serious about doing GP Wonder was the horse to pick between my two. I have never in my life seen a thoroughbred who can sit and collect like Wonder. I've seen flashier and floatier movers but the flashy-floaty movers usually tap out at or before PSG because they can't stay sound when asked to collect and carry themselves to a high degree. I think a lot of horses you can get to school the GP if you are not picky about correctness or true collection. For example a lot of the young horse champions do not make it to GP and a lot of the horses you see at GP are not that special of movers but they can collect well, do the movements accurately and stay sound. The flashy floaty movers cant stay sound at the GP when asked to collect like that. It's in the timing of the footfalls and how that horses uses it's shoulders and hind end. As well as the horse's willingness to do it. And the rider needs to be a serious athlete too. It also takes a TON of maintenance to maintain a high performance horse. It is hard on them, so if the horse doesn't absolutely love it. As well as the training and equipment. Really want lessons but dont have the funds atm. I love lessons so much, I love expanding on what I know and being shown a better or different way to think about things. Im thirsty for more knowledge but money puts a limit on a things :-(

Or sometimes I'll talk to someone and they'll talk about how sensitive, picky and quirky their horses is and to them they are and I'll get on and Im like this horse is such a pleasure, nice job. And they're not that sensitive. But people have different definitions of what is hot and what is sensitive, so they werent lying to me or exaggerating but telling me from what they know. Because for me when I think sensitive, I think breathe wrong and you're going for a ride or touch them with the whip unfairly and they throw a fit or be too much in the bridle and they rear. Wonder would absolutely rear up and likely flip on someone who was too in the bridle and didn't use it correctly. You can use the bridle on him but you cant see saw or widdle in his mouth or he loses his mind. You open your hip and he blasts off like he was waiting for permission. And always on the can I do this? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me do it. I can half pass, I can piaffe. Wanna see? Wanna see? And to me that is collection it's using their eagerness to move forward and keeping that same eagerness that you can in medium or extended paces but instead the horse is so read but so in tune with your body that they come back to your core and sit, if that makes any sense at all. Wonder rides a lot like a stallion but in general a lot more focused and not as mare driven but still loves mares. When mares are in the arena he definitely has a stallion degree of focus and needs to be reminded how to behave and that he has a job. And he has an incredible willingness and desire to work.


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## DanteDressageNerd

This is more towards the beginning of our session today. His half steps became a few true piaffe steps (not on video, that was later in our session) but it's mostly half steps atm with him getting the idea. The amount of sit he has and how uphill he is still amazes me. I improved it and got true piaffe steps by backing up followed by hind end leg lifts, trot forward and ask, treats when he gets it. Reward is treats and spanish walk. He did spanish walk better later too but oh well, he likes to do it. Still more work to be done but I'm proud of him. Will maybe get more video and some true piaffe in hand steps soon. He also did some spanish trot steps which I didnt ask for but showed me that maybe in time he'll do piaffe, passage, spanish walk and spanish trot. Could be interesting. Wonder likes to learn but he gets MAD if the whip touches him, this is why I carry a whip but dont touch him with it. The whip is used to position and remind, not to touch but touched him and he'd kick out and he'd push into me in the end which is not okay.

He is a hair under 17h and I'm 5'7 so I dont know why I look so huge next to him. Pictures distort, My guess is I'm closer to the camera


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## lostastirrup

I like the "I'm angry at this" kickouts. I'm glad Nick is not the only one who expresses his disdain for this "prancy stuff". Though I think wonder has got a far pleasanter expression. 

Have you been able to cue one leg than the other? I try and work on both sides to solidify the idea but the near leg is always the more active one simply because I can't get to the other with the whip. Although Nick is still getting a tap on his lower hip/leg and not on top of his croup yet. 

Either way it's so much fun to watch wonder do those steps. I like how his back is relaxed and just comes up neatly when he tucks his butt.


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## DanteDressageNerd

lol I can see Nick being opinionated about it. Wonder doesnt like whips in general. It took a VERY long time to be able to ride with one at all. When Wonder kicks out, it's him not accepting the whip. If you see the part when he pushed his hind quarters into me because I touched him, it was his way of being like dont you DARE touch me with that! He doesnt mind prancing but hates the whip.

Wonder with whip Feb, I forgot all the bridle issues he used to have. He's a lot steadier now but took a long time. Still a bit funny about the right rein but always has been, even in his track video you can see it. He also used to buck if you dare put your right inside leg on and didnt do it right. I dont know how to explain it but I could usually get it and then sometimes made an error and he'd buck. He doesn't buck anymore.





Yes. When starting out I do leg lifts, where I touch one leg then the other and he holds it as long as the whip is touching, then he knows to alternate the two hind legs behind when I lift the whip (I usually dont actually touch him with it) I do sometimes to try to get more activity and then he gets mad because he hates the whip but hold it up and the click goes to the rhythm. Because it's maintaining the same activity of the trot but with height instead of forward and that takes a while but good basics like you said of lowering the hind, bringing himself under and ****fting the weight back while elevating the shoulder. It will get better and better, even when he is consistently ready and doing piaffe in hand there will be room to make it better with more height and activity.

Like I can get spanish walk without the whip but I'm trying to get him to consistently have more scope, lift and reach and gradually getting him to have more control with it. Always a process lol. Step by step.

Here is Layla developing basics to a collected and eventually a piroette canter. She's pretty downhill and naturally her canter rhythm is a bit irregular but got much better. A lot of inside leg, outside rein, and guiding her shoulder in using the outside rein so she's truly there then catching the hind leg so to speak and making her "canter in place." As much as possible. Get a few steps and let her out so she keeps activity. Super easy to lose activity and create a sort of hoppy collected canter





Also forgot how tricky in the contact he used to be. Very sensitive and protective about the right rein, has been since he raced. He also was very funny about the right leg. He'd also pull so hard on the bridle and would constantly move the contact that it made steady hands impossible, so I had to grab onto my bucking strap quite a lot because there was no way to keep steady. Id also lean forward on him because he was so explosive and tense.

Actually never mind he's still really tricky in the contact. We worked through temper tantrums and fits today. There are nice moments but Im trying to figure out if maybe he needs his teeth done again? They were just done in June or maybe he is muscle sore or maybe he needs the chiropractor or there isnt enough cushion under my seat bones. Because hasnt done this in the saddle but wont use his back because it's pinching him in the withers. I think he's mad I'm making him use his hind legs, carry himself and be true inside leg to outside rein. He gets very mad about me touching the right rein or the outside rein when I ask him to engage the inside hind leg. Very mad.

Wonder sees the chiropractor on Wednesday. Working on getting a saddle fitter to look at his saddle. Tomorrow I will lunge him. I see chiropractor tomorrow. I was in a lot of pain after this ride, he's painful to sit. He is way bouncier than Dante. It's incredible. My SI and whole body was absolutely shaking, riding out a tantrum is tough. But he needs to accept contact and allow me to move his hind end, else we're wasting time. I think his right hind may be sore. He was quite mad at me

This is a very hard horse to ride.


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## lostastirrup

In the middle of class. But I love the bareback videos. And I know how it sucks for the back and tailbone. 
*Edit*. Here's why I love it. Because he doesn't look happy. You look like you're fighting a contact maelstrom as you're arguing about moving the butt. But it is far better to have the fight out when it arises than to permit the horse to think the status quo is appropriate. And it sucks. Thanks for posting it, for sitting him through and contending even without a saddle. This sport is not one for the faint of bottom lol. 




And a few hacks from my 8mo w/o a saddle:

Put a sheepskin girth cover around the top of the sercingle. Keeps the Ds from cutting into the thighs. 

Take your softest cushiest half pad and put it under the sercingle and over the pad. If it's sheepskin turn it upside down for maximum butt cush. 


Those are my ideas for bareback survival on the bouncy horse. 

Also, riding more forward seems to help the spine. I got really good at two point and posting trot bareback for the sake of my busted tailbone and it really helped with overall pain. I know SI is different but who knows.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you for appreciating it! I try to share an honest portrait of the training process because the fact is people don't show it and I dont really care how people criticize because I know how hard this is, etc but I guarantee in those big barns with those top riders it gets WAY uglier than this. I've seen horses sit down and flip over but you have to address the problem head first as it arises or it becomes an even bigger problem and with this horse you cant let him get away with this stuff or gets REALLY ugly and downright scary. 

Haha I like it, not for the faint of bottom :lol: it takes a lot to train and produce a horse and they do have opinions and it requires us to be very athletic. My whole body was shaking and I was in a lot of pain. He's a lot to ride and organize. Then I hand grazed him and he drug me around the field. Im fine but I had to let go. If he wants to go he uses his neck in a way where there is literally nothing you can do in a halter. If I took him to a show I may use the lip chain on him because that's the only thing Ive ever used that he hasnt gotten loose from me before when hes like that. Lip chain and whip or he'll see somewhere he wants to go and youre just along for the ride. 

Unfortunately I can't sit forward on him or I cant stay with his movement, it's insane how bouncy he is. He is a lot of horse. Like a friend of mine who is a really nice rider, has her bronze and has ridden very large moving warmbloods and little bouncy arabs, etc and she rode him and for posting, I was like he's not at working trot yet and she's like I dont think I can post his working trot and I said fair enough I've been bounced out before on him posting too. It's SO much back movement. That was the first thing my US saddle fitter said to me. That's not a comfortable trot.

Thank you for the surcingle tips that helped a lot! I may try a sheepskin pad underneath for Wonder as he is very back sensitive. I did quite well as posting on Dante but Wonder when I post throw a HUGE temper tantrum, so Im a bit timid to try again because he really throws a fit. Tailbone and SI both cause pain!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Yesterday I put the saddle on and rode him, he was perfect. Accepted inside leg to the outside rein and accepted the right rein. Glad we had our discussion and fight yesterday because today he was really good and consistent. Most people would rather not address the issue which here was accepting moving the inside hind leg over and accepting the outside rein. That was our whole conversation yesterday, bend through the whole body, accept inside leg to outside rein, and carry yourself. I want him to be between my inside leg and outside rein and to truly use his whole back. I dont care if it gets ugly or he gets behind or that sort of thing and that's the difference between an amateur and a professional rider. A professional understands sometimes it's gotta get ugly before an issue is fixed but you address it and life gets alot easier and you can be softer and they dont rip on you. Because the focus is on the end goal. There are times when you have to face an issue head on and you have to say no that's not good enough or that reaction isnt acceptable and push through. You dont do it everyday but sometimes you just have to. Else this particular horse becomes dangerous. He's very-very smart, you cant always avoid the issue. In the videos the whole conversation was you can step over with the inside leg, bend through the rib cage and ACCEPT the outside rein. I shouldnt have to touch the inside rein to get bend but still need to to get him to soften. I didnt care if he got behind the vertical, there is time to fix that. It's more important that he comes through, uses his whole back, tucks his abdominals, lifts up through the withers, etc. Those muscles have to develop. Can get nit picky about the other stuff later. At this stage its more important to me he uses his whole back and lifts from the base of his neck than his nose is a certain position. 

I am in a lot of physical pain, Wonder wasnt sore at all. I was sort of impressed. We did some figures of 8, leg yielding, went over a few jumps, large circles and went outside. We galloped up and down the field, did some trot sets. There was one time I really let him but not at top speed. Good lord can he run! He is FAST. He's more of a distance horse, so would love to let him loose on the beach or a track. We also did trot sets up and down the hill, Wonder had a BLAST! He seemed super happy! I ride him sort of like an eventer out, he's not above the bit but meeting it and not in a dressage frame. More like an eventer. He never gets tired. He tried to trot up the way into the stable. I got off and he was still ready to do more. He's a very serious workaholic.

Today Wonder saw the chiropractor. She was REALLY thorough and good and knew a lot about thoroughbreds, as her family had a GP dressage thoroughbred stallion. He passed 14 years ago but super cool. She described her families stallion and he sounded a lot like Wonder in temperament. He had been a winning race horse before he became a dressage horse. And she said at shows or new environments he was perfect. Could walk him by mares in heat and nothing and at home needed to be walked in a bit else no one could keep hold of him. When he wanted to do something he was hard to stop, she said it's the racing mentality of a horse that wins. They go for it. It was really neat. Said it was a shame Wonder was gelded, we're always looking for quality thoroughbred stallions in Europe.

Wonder wearing his double. I dont plan to ride him much in it but I plan he is familiar. He accepted the double pretty well. I had to punch holes in the bridle to get it adjusted better, still not sure Im 100% happy with how the weymouth sits but happy with the bradoon. But not going to mess with it much as Wonder is happy with it. I didn't ride him, just hand walked and did a tiny bit of in hand. Tomorrow is light, all long and low, bending lines, serpentines and shallow loops. Talked to the chiropractor about the fitness plan, so glad she has such an incredible eye for muscle development and what is correct work. I love the expertise of professionals here, the attention to detail and things they notice is incredible!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Alright here is our first ride in the kandar or double bridle! We kept today light because he saw the chiropractor yesterday and she said to keep it light. And he was super! He LOVES his double. Today was the first time he's ever felt like a trained horse. He still feels weak and needs work to become more flexible but he feels like it's coming. My trainer always said this horse is easy to put tricks on and quite hard to get true because of how much time it takes to develop a new way of going


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## lostastirrup

The handsome Mr wonder looking all grown up!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- Yes he is! 

Alright Wonder is back to being very "Wondery" in the double bridle I got ran off with down the hill and we turned around and ran back up. He's also pretty spooky if I'm not on top of things and keeping his focus. He's AWESOME! He's literally breathe wrong and he's going to fly through the air. I would be a LITTLE slow in my half halt timing and he'd use it as an excuse to take the bit and GO! He doesn't get tired. I can ride him an hour and a half and he's no less "goey." Still tries to drag me across the field. Almost fell off today. Was riding Wonder and they were moving polls for the jumps and he flew side ways which put me off balance, lost stirrups and he leaped in the air and started bucking because he felt my leg slide back. I thought I was going to fall off but somehow saved myself and got my butt back in the saddle. Didnt get my stirrups as Wonder was bolting, took a few laps to bring him back. He's a hard charger.

We ended up having a REALLY good ride but it took a lot. He is WAY WAY WAY better in the double. He's amazing. He feels like a made horse.Gather up with the curb rein dropped and he immediately comes up through his back, sits from behind and is right there with you. His laterals are practically just a position and a thought. He doesnt like engaging the left hind so half pass to the right is a little tricky but today we got it quite good. Half pass left is no issue at all. Flying changes are like a made horse. I'm shocked. Outside rein, outside leg and change. Yesterday he did two changes on a long side but then took the bit and took off galloping and bucked some (not an angry buck but very playful). It was my fault. I spent 4 days in Copenhagen, so he did not work. He gets hotter and hotter the more fit he is. He NEEDS a 5-6 day a week job

But he's honestly a freak of nature. He knows how to spanish walk, he knows how to do half steps in hand and today I asked him to trot and held out the whip and he was passaging like a really good passage. I was like WHAT, how did you figure that out? I didn't teach you how to passage. I was absolutely impressed! Dont know if he'll do it tomorrow but he amazes me. You teach him the basics and he figures out the next step. I've NEVER in my entire life met a horse that clever.
_______________

He was getting a bit overwhelmed the other day and reared up in hand a few times (never done that before) but he is easily over stimulated, so broke things down and turns out his hamstrings are sore, so he couldn't collect. We hacked out and he was quite happy. 

Some days he's been super mega FIRE hot, then last ride he was quite good but he is pretty much set that I'm his person and he isn't sure he's willing to accept anyone else on his back *sigh* I've told him I can't be the only person who can ride him. 

Also been difficult for people to handle, so they told me they cant control him *Frustrated* problem is he's totally different for EVERY person and is VERY testy. Need to put more discipline into him but he is pretty mistrustful of others and uses his strength against them.


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## Tihannah

I'm just gonna be brutally honest here and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. These posts seriously worry me. I know you think this is kinda normal for him, but your descriptions make it seem like he is becoming more and more unpredictable in his reactions. I worry for your safety and the safety of those handling him, and I wonder how much of this is him being "hot" and how much of it may be something else. It seems as if the time in quarantine was good for him and when he came, he appeared a lot more relaxed. But it seems each time you increase the workload, he becomes more hot or more erratic in his behavior. Could he possibly be hurting somewhere and the behavior is a result of it? Rearing, bucking and bolting with you in a double bridle is not okay. Even for Wonder! Lol. I just think it might be wise to consider other things in regards to his behavior.

And you don't have to take any advice from me, as I am just a Novice rider and you have a lot more experience than me, but I would spend a lot of sessions doing stuff that is no pressure and just focus on relaxation. No piaffe, no passage or half pass. Just him learning to relax and take everything in, aside from making sure there is nothing physically wrong with him, of course. I would honestly hate to see you or someone else get seriously injured because you breathed wrong in his presence. That is something that should NEVER happen with a well rounded horse. Hot or not.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Tina- I appreciate your concern and understand where it is coming from. As an outsider looking in, I can understand the perspective but this isn't the kind of horse you find at a local barn who was simply mismanaged or mishandled or something you can find most places, except at a high end performance stable. Most people and trainers have not worked with a horse like this, unless they've worked at the high end performance stables or been to somewhere like Blue Hors where they breed high end performance horses. I'm used to performance horses, at the higher end they can be quite a handful especially as they become more and more fit. I think that is more the norm than the exception for high end performance horses that are geared for professionals. They are not horses who you just do the right natural horsemanship or ground exercises and poof they're calm and anyone can sling a leg over them. Or you just do the right thing undersaddle and magically they become a relaxed horse you can happily and easily hack around outside. My trainer in the US who is very good at making horses easy and amateur friendly said that simply isn't going to happen with Wonder, you need to take him with you because you sure as h#ll aren't going to find someone who can ride this horse. This is a horse where if you hack him out and try to just do walk work and get relaxation will take initiative on his terms, this is a horse who has learned he can over power a rider or handler and once some horses learn that it's mostly just trying to manage it. This is a horse with 5yrs experience on a race track and passed hands a few times. He is an intense performance horse, the racing trainer I got him from said he was the 2nd hottest thoroughbred he's ever owned and it goes beyond being hot he is also very determined, highly intelligent and strong horse. Without seeing him, working with him or sitting on him or something like him I think it's very hard to understand because truthfully most trainers haven't worked with a horse like this. He has some muscle stuff to work through but most it is mental. I've looked him over, had a specialist look him over, physically he is fine. 

Most of the time on the ground he is very good and very well behaved, a perfect gentleman. Handling him in the stable he's perfect or in his box, does nothing. Take him into a new environment with lots of stimulation and it is different. Most times there is no issue but then it's that extra degree and he reacts. Working through the stimulation he is better and most times I dont have an issue with him but just because I can get that from him, doesn't mean someone else can. He is different for every person. 

I'd say most horses are very easy to ask for relaxation from, from Wonder it is like he needs to see a point in it or he gets more and more wound up. The only way I have ever been able to get relaxation from him is have him in a work program. He cant have too many days off. Take him out on hack but NEVER let him power stride or he takes over, he can never be given the power to control the situation or he takes it up a notch and another notch. It's frustrating but this isnt a pain issue. I've had him looked at for nearly everything. The only thing I think might have added to this besides fitness is the add on of another grain that is meant for performance horses. I was told it is not meant to make them hot but it does contain oats. 

Just to clarify Wonder has NEVER reared up on me undersaddle. He did it one day in hand and has not done it since. What I am finding is he is naughty when he doesn't want to give me a body part and when he wants to control the situation and takes a fight stance on the release, rather than accept it. We have isolated this to the left hind-accepting the right rein connection and bend around the right rib cage. When he bucked it's because my leg slid back too far when he leapt up in the air in a spook and he reacted. It's what you get on a horse that is sensitive, they listen when you make a mistake. It's a good thing for our end goal. 

I took Wonder outside and he was perfect to let out. I can do it with him and he is no problem but just because he's good with me and I have no problem, doesn't mean he is that way for someone else. He is always testing and trying to take a dominant position. However I also will not hand walk him through a field without a stud chain. He is a horse with previous learned behavior, such as being able to over power someone. He uses this same tactic undersaddle against the rider and any new rider who sits on him. He uses his strength against them to decide whether or not to let the rider in and ride him. He's a dominant personality and is always testing it, whether it's that he throws his body around or controlling the speed. There is no cruise control on this horse, especially at the walk. At the walk he will accept any excuse to go. It doesn't matter that I gather the reins and lengthen them multiple times, so he doesnt react so much or channel good energy or do multiple exercises at the walk. He's looking for anything to GO. The whole point of half pass, leg yield, half steps or piaffe work is to have them listen and accept a rider's aids. That's is where the struggle is. I think a lot of horses if nothing is ever really asked of them are very different vs if you ask something from them that requires a release of their body to a rider. And atm that is the struggle with Wonder. Releasing his body to be ridden, rather than taking the racehorse way of running from problems. 
















This is Wonder after a nearly 2hr ride. 





In general, this is absolutely not directed at anyone I think it is very easy to judge from the outside looking in without having a hands on understanding. Wonder is a very intense horse, even in quarantine they said they could see it in him and him creating some mischief. For example without sitting on Forrest how can anyone understand how he simply isn't going to become a dressage horse? I have a friend who is experienced with this sort of horse through dutch wbs giving me ideas with Wonder as well. She has sat on him and worked with him. So understands.


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## gottatrot

I understand, there always has to be some concern for safety but honestly there are some horses that just have to be handled by people who can handle them, especially in certain situations. 
There's no way for me to judge how hot Wonder is compared to some I've been around and ridden, but I've experienced first hand what it's like to work with very hot horses. 

My own TB Hero is certainly not the hottest I've been around, but even today when I was leading him out of sight of his friend and it was windy and he was concerned, he jumped and leaped in the air and bucked. He does rear on occasion, or jump and kick out if he gets too excited. 

I've dealt with a lot of horses like him, although he gets a little rowdier on the lead than most I've met. You can't discipline him out of it, or get him to relax every moment, and I agree that you can't just do the right training method and then this will go away. Over time and with a lot of experience, I'm sure it will lessen. In the meantime, I have to understand when I need to stay out of the way of hooves and when to control his head or spin him around me.

I agree that you will see the same things in the higher level performance horses, even the super well trained world class horses. Watch them do their inspections and your average horse owner would see the horse and think they hadn't been trained to lead. The handlers have to know how to direct the energy and not get stomped on or smashed. I'm sure like with my horse, at times these horses follow along like docile little lambs and turn on a loose lead off body language alone. 





Does Wonder ever get to go in a larger turnout? It can be so good for them psychologically to have the ability to run full out for a distance. My friend's TB Nala is very hot, as was my Arab, Halla. Those two would run laps around the huge pasture every morning, and periodically throughout the day when they were let out together. We could see a real difference in how difficult they were to manage if the weather was bad and they stayed in the sheds, versus when they did their running. My guy Hero is not that hot, so it's not as necessary for him.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Gottatrot- Exactly! Im glad you understand and absolutely I dont know what horses you've had, so I cant say if he's hotter or similar. He's not mean at all. On the ground indoors he's really very sweet, calm, and relaxed. But he isn't always that way. He's easily over stimulated, it isn't simply a freshness but an intensity and he very well knows how to over power a person when he wants to. Most of the time I can handle him, I have been a stallion handler. I have handled very difficult horses. I have done the wb inspections and been a handler, etc as well as re-training horses from bad situations. But Wonder absolutely can use his neck against you and just drag you. I never had that happen with the stallions, ever. Wonder is unique that way. Another handler who was a professional groom for elite riders struggled with Wonder too. It isn't from mishandling but when he takes initiative, he does as he pleases. The only way I've been able to stop him when he's that determined is with the lip chain. Once a horse has learned to do that and I know he learned it before I bought him, the best you can do is manage him and keep him in check but accept there are moments. Absolutely not an amateur horse. He has gotten a LOT better but still a ways to go and I'm not sure we'll ever completely train that out of him. He's quite stallion-like.

And exactly! Like with your horse you cant just discipline it out or just pet them and have them come down or have a system that fixes it completely. It's part of being a good handler and manager of the horse, is instilling discipline and direction but at the same time understanding a horse has a mind of it's own and even with good handling and a good system, they're still animals and not machines. It's a big part of why I try to show an honest journal and about our progress and not give a dam* what people say about it, is because this is the reality of horse training. Especially if you are asking something from the horse. A horse like Wonder would be a monster if someone wanted a happy hacker or something they could just learn and relax with. He gets more and more spun up and tense with less expectation. It isnt that he is micromanaged but he needs his mind occupied or he occupies it himself. He needs CLEAR direction, would be a monster in the wrong hands or with someone who is unclear with their aiding system or is too harsh or forceful. Firm but fair is best.

And exactly those handlers have a handful, they've clearly done a lot of work with them but at the end of the day a horse is not a machine. I think most horses are not so high strung or determined but they are not a machine and I think people have a hard time understanding a sort of horse they have never worked with or experienced. I think they want to think a horse can be made totally docile and controllable or can just be made into what someone wants them to be. But have a hard time understanding a high performance type of horse because those horses are not at local stables or even some of the nicer stables in the area. You find those horses in very certain environments. I know of a rider who has lovely videos on made horses or ones that are of a certain quality but absolutely cant ride something like Wonder. She knows how to sit and pose and look accomplished but cant ride a horse that has to be made and is not built on the bit or really fights her. 

He has a larger field to run in but he doesnt have as big of one as he had in the states. I am glad he gets turnout at all. I would love for him to go off in the main field but there are a LOT of horses in there and I can see Wonder doing something stupid. 

Half pass is a very important exercise for Wonder as it is about accepting direction and LISTENING to me and following my position. It isn't a high stress exercise but it is saying accept my direction. Half steps, developing towards piaffe are not about creating stress but accepting direction and aid. This horse is quite intense in general, it is always about channeling his energy and convincing him to let a rider rider him. He is always looking for a reason to do but is also very kind and wants to do the right thing. He needs very clear direction.

Here is the video from today, we focused on bend and accepting contact into transitions. He's gotten into pulling the snot out of me, rather than respecting the transition or my hands. He pulls so f*cking hard. It's unreal how strong this horse is. This is why you address issues as they come, rather than avoiding them. You HAVE to draw issues to the surface and break the barrier or you'll always have a horse who doesn't listen, respect a rider or accept direction. Nor will it ever move up the levels. A horse like this, if you let him get away with too much becomes dangerous. For me he is quite sweet, still hot, anxious and intense but he is good. I just have to remember he is very stallion-like to ride and he needs to be ridden and handled as though he were a stallion because even though he has less sex drive, he still has the same temperament as a stallion. He does not ride like any thoroughbred I have ever known or ridden, he rides most like a warmblood stallion I took lessons on once who was a GP horse and first horse Hubertus Schmidt had produced to GP. Ridden many warmbloods without half of Wonder's strength, despite being around the same size or larger than Wonder.

This is WHY you have to push the envelope and open a can of worms. I read somewhere someone thought that bringing the bad behavior to the surface was a sign of bad training and I rolled my eyes with a NO, opening a can of worms is called TRAINING and work through problems like a professional, rather than avoiding them. If you work through the issues and confront them you can move forward, avoiding them just creates a horse who controls the situation and never moves on to the next step. Just something with more behavioral issue, who hasn't learned to accept direction or a rider.


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## lostastirrup

How's Mr. Wonder doing? Settle down a bit to handle for the barn staff?


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## DanteDressageNerd

Lostastirrup- He's been pretty good. He has not been on turnout because the fields are so muddy and too small to let him loose because he gallops and uses the fields hard. So I've been turning him out in the arena when possible because he NEEDS it for his mind and mental well being. I wish there were more options for him. If the fields were bigger I wouldn't mind but it's on a hill and REALLY muddy and not worth it. Denmark is VERY VERY wet this time of year. 

Not much to update on. I've been very very busy and trying to keep up with studies and juggle friends, Wonder and boyfriend who Wonder is a big fan of. Wonder doesn't usually like men, so good sign. He is not Danish, good age for me and good to me. Loves the animals and is helping me live so many incredible experiences and seeing so many amazing things. 

Wonder and I have been doing pretty well, had a really lovely ride today. Wish I could have had video of that one his collected work was nice and his piaffe was actually a piaffe and in the mirror looked quite nice then moved into a collected trot and he was adjustable. Had to be careful though, release him and it was mediums all over the place but in the mirror the medium looked very powerful, uphill and engaged. No irregular steps like he used to when hed get too tense and forward. Still a struggle to manage his intensity and anxiousness but that's how it is. Relaxation and acceptance is a challenge. Obviously our goal is to develop more and more relaxation, some days it is no problem and other days there is no relax button. I still have to be careful when we're in an arena with many other horses or ponies because Wonder gets nervous and tense, it's good to teach him how to work in traffic without turning into race mode.Lots of trying to re-direct that intensity, he feeds off the other horses energy, especially when they tear off or crack whips, fortunately we have walls. He can lock his whole neck and shoulders against a rider and tank off. Relax and be too light with Wonder and he gets tighter and tighter, more anxious and more anxious. To get relaxation from this horse, he has to be work ridden and get his brain engaged and after he lets a bit of steam out and works his mind with a rider then he relaxes and can do long and low beautifully and maintain a nice rhythm and work in harmony but have to be actively riding and have to have your mind tuned into his with spot on timing or it's gone and he's on his own terms. There is no such thing as passive riding on him, be too soft or indirect and he tanks out. It's a delicate balance of strength, have to have almost perfect timing and be firm but fair. 

I really appreciate a horse like Wonder, he is not a good match for 95% of people but he is perfect for me. He is a VERY intense horse and he is very driven and so strong but he loves his job. He's very eager to try and LOVES to learn. He is a performance horse, he is a serious GP prospect. A horse that has that kind of ability and is inexpensive doesn't come in an easy package but it does come with an incredible athlete and amazing horse. I've ridden hundreds of horses, many bigger and better movers than Wonder but he's right for me. He doesn't have to be right for anyone else. 

I've worked very-very hard to get him to the point he's at now. I have done a TON of desensitization, natural horsemanship, relaxation exercises, etc and it has improved a lot. I don't think it'll ever be what other people think it should be but I'm proud of how far we've come. It's far too easy to sit on the sidelines and criticize and say what I should do or how someone else would do better. And quite frankly I don't give a flying F because at the end of the day, I'm the one whose putting in the work and spent the money. I'm the one whose worked 70hrs weeks for years being a working student, I'm the one whose sweated, bled, cried myself to sleep, struggled to make ends meet, and had to make sacrifices on a former horse's well being because I was too poor to care for him the way I wanted to, I've gone to Germany and Denmark, taken myself out of my comfort zone, been at the bottom and I worked HARD. I took chances and I took risks to learn what I have and to have studied with people who know what they're doing. I'm proud of that, I worked for it. I don't expect any respect for it but Im grateful for all the struggles, every challenging horse and opportunity I had to learn and grow. Without all that there is NO way I could have worked with a horse like Wonder. He is something else. I've ridden tons of thoroughbreds and ottbs, not one rode like Wonder. I like ottbs a lot, I find them very easy, agreeable and rewarding. They tend to have their quirks and silly idiosyncracies but Wonder doesnt ride like a tb. He has the intense work ethic and desire to please but the power is unreal and managing it in collected work nothing like it in the world. 

Had a friend ride him again and they had a much more successful ride, I'm so glad. He bolted once and thankfully she has a good, sticky seat because Wonder is insanely powerful. I can't explain how powerful he is but I havent ridden anything nearly as powerful. Not a single ottb I've ridden in my entire career can compare or any warmblood. The only horse I can compare in strength to Wonder was named Tiamo and he had been an alternate for the olympics and was a stallion. I literally dont judge when people struggle with this horse. I know plenty of people could watch me on him and go oh I could do better or whatever but then they sit on and honestly I doubt most people could even trot round on this horse with any degree of acceptance. Everything in him is geared to take advantage. He's smart/ He uses his neck and shoulders quite a lot against the rider and if the rider isnt spot on in preventing him from doing so, he totally takes control. He's also insanely bouncy, much bouncier than he looks. But that's how it is, I didn't take a young horse and make it myself, I chose him over my purpose bred mare that truthfully she matured into a very very easy horse. I took a horse who raced for 5yrs and when I bought him I was told he was incredibly strong and hot. The person I bought him from said he was the 2nd hottest thoroughbred he's owned and probably the strongest. I took a risk and I'm so glad Wonder and I found each other because I'm pretty sure he'd have been put down in another situation and I understand why his previous owner was SO SO careful in finding him the right home. He turned down 8 or 9 different buyers before me because he said it wasn't right for Wonder.

Some things we've added into our program

Long reining. He lost his freaking mind first time. Arena was empty, else I wouldn't have attempted. He spooked at the longlines and took off around the arena, round and round. Then it helped me communicate to him release body control and LISTENING, rather than assuming and taking control. I can influence him in a different way. We had a few discussions I think were very important to convince him to LET me influence him, rather than just take over and off. His answer when he doesnt know is to bolt or muscle his way through. So I use the inside rein when he is like that like a regular lungeline when introducing and just push on. Still introducing to him, it takes time.

On him it's been key to getting him to release his neck and body. Also lots of walk pirouettes and just outside rein outside leg and having him yield off the shoulder because he uses his neck and shoulders so much to over power the rider and take control. Very stallion-like to ride, best thing I've found is just moving his shoulders but at the end of that you have to have the strength, timing and release or he's on a new mission. Watching him ridden vs sitting on him, he doesn't ride anything like he looks. I've ridden a lot of edgy, nervous thoroughbreds and hot horses and found them quite easy to bring them into relaxation by encouraging lightness and relaxation, not Wonder. He needs to relax more but to achieve relaxation you have to work him before he relaxes, his tension is from anxiousness but it's an over eagerness to do and overachieve vs anxiety or nervousness. He's hard to explain, never met or ridden anything quite like him Wonder rides nothing like any thoroughbred I've ever ridden, had a friend who knows hot horses ride him and said the same thing. He doesn't ride like you'd expect. He's intensely powerful and so quick from under you. It takes a thought for him to go or a moments lack of attention. 

Also video. I ride him in the snaffle and the double. I prefer him in the double because I feel he is a lot softer and less tense in the double than the snaffle. He seems more relaxed in the double, even with the curb rein dropped. I also notice a lot of people don't really understand the double bridle at all. The curb doesn't offer more power, what is does is refine and offer you a different way of applying pressure. Some horses prefer poll pressure to feeling pressure in the mouth. Wonder is an ex race horse, he is used to taking the bit and grabbing. The double has helped a lot in breaking up that habit and getting him to soften to the bit vs just taking it. Also tried a little bit of saddleseat techniques for getting him off the bit today and it seems to work.






Wonder playing





Wonder rolls






Wonder





Fall celebration


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## DanteDressageNerd

Wonder October 25 because my video on that post doesnt show the video for some reason





Here's something I think is important to mention too

Most days I do not pressure this horse and I do a lot of muscle massage, stretching, in hand and ground work. As well as long lining. I am careful about his diet and try to keep it low starch and low sugar, don't need anything extra to over stimulate him. A lot of our work is geared towards having emotional balance and keeping him from over heating but that isn't always possible. One of the things with an intense, hot horse is you always have to try for a relaxed balanced mental state, might not always get it but always a goal. Wonder tries very hard and is over eager to do and please, he will take any excuse or any TINY signal he can read and leap into action. It's a lot of Wonder LET me influence you, Wonder LISTEN dont assume and take control. Very stallion-like that way. I'd never describe him as naughty, not ever but I'd say he's very determined and has his own ideas and can take action on his own without listening. He doesn't do it to be naughty but that he's playful and that is an aspect of his personality. He also likes to take control and it does take quite a lot to convince him to let a rider influence him, else he just does things on his. Very clever. As his rider, my job is to use that playfulness to keep making this fun, as well as his willfullness to do things like half steps and piaffe. I cant get piaffe everyday nor do I want to, it's more like I'll ask for collection and trot his hind legs up a bit, then let it out and come back to it later. He learns things almost immediately, it's a little crazy. So a lot of times when he learns something new, he learns it and I'll come back to it a few days or weeks later. I DO NOT drill, I HATE drilling. It's more okay you didnt understand, let break down the basic parts. He LOVES the mental stimulation and is much happier with more vs less. Sometimes it is necessary to say no take a chill pill, not asking for anything complicated. Just trot when I ask and walk when I ask. Just step into the outside rein when I ask. 

Today we rode in the snaffle and he was quite good. We didn't do much. Today was a basics, let's just accept the bridle and easily transition up and down. No canter because he's been getting too strung out and running through my half halts. Well I lie we did some canter but on a 12m circle. Until he learns to follow my seat and position WITHOUT tanking off or running through my aids. So small amount of canter and mostly trot serpentines, changes of direction and walking. He was able to stretch and be good but he felt tense. I know he didn't look tense and I want him to relax and be supple but he'd take off the moment he thought it was possible and try to run through my aids, so into the wall we went a few times and backing up and then transitions. I don't know why it is SO SO SO hard to get him to back off sometimes. Sometimes he is lovely, other times it's like a switch goes off in his brain and its like a revved ferrari. I used his quarter sheet and he seemed happy in that. I think he's cold but even when we were getting nice, consistent, relaxed work he just felt like he had ants in his pants and the moment I'd release my core he'd be off to the races. Also did some mediums and let him push into that. He LOVES to medium. Also did some collected work, the collected work is helpful. When he was very ancy I was like okay we can do half steps, I dont mind doing half steps so we did half steps and we did some backing and thought I'd see if he'd levade. He's learned it on the ground, I'd say it still need quite a bit of work but he gets the idea. So thought I'd see if he would and he did a little bit, feet off the ground and lifted but very controlled and from cue. Quite proud, very polite boy. Someone asked if it was wise to teach him that and I said well he gets bored easily and NEEDS the mental stimulation. He LOVES to learn tricks, so why not teach him some high school movements? He's not at all a naughty horse, playful yes, overzealous yes but never mean or naughty. And there is a difference in having it controlled and from a cue and not as an out. Maybe when that is good we'll be able to show that one day. I think it really helps get them more uphill, strong behind and lifting the front end plus for a very playful, eager to learn horse it gives them something to learn and keep their brain stimulated.

Also rode without a whip today, some days I ride with one and other days I dont. He doesn't need it but I always want him desensitized to it. Ride too many times without it and he gets over stimulated too easily with it. It took me months to be able to ride with a whip without him over heating because dare the flick end move or I position it near him and he'd kick out, take the bit and bolt. Now he doesn't do that.

Pictures of him in white polos are from today, last 3 are from 6wks ago or so?


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## Kalraii

He looks like such a sweet horse with a lovely face. And then you see him run like a demon is gonna bite his bum any second now. I ended up watching the recent video where he's running outside. I was like ok ok _THIS_ time he's gonna jump that "fence". But he respected the boundary. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. I like that you posted the one where he was galloping around with a rope between his legs. Coz cr*p happens sometimes, though my heart was in my throat. How does he not rip his heels off yikes?! So cute the way he immediately ran to the mirror as if checking his makeup haha. Watching you sitting trot still makers me immensley jealous in a positive way  Will your new boyfriend be learning how to ride or does already? Hope things go well!


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## lostastirrup

You need to frame some of these photos! They are stunning. So you got your saddle fit to him again? That must be lovely to have back.


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## SueC

Hello DDN! :wave: Nice to see you and your horse re-united and both looking fabulous! Hope study and life in general are going equally well! inkunicorn:


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## SueC

gottatrot said:


> I've dealt with a lot of horses like him, although he gets a little rowdier on the lead than most I've met. You can't discipline him out of it, or get him to relax every moment, and I agree that you can't just do the right training method and then this will go away. Over time and with a lot of experience, I'm sure it will lessen. In the meantime, I have to understand when I need to stay out of the way of hooves and when to control his head or spin him around me.
> 
> I agree that you will see the same things in the higher level performance horses, even the super well trained world class horses. Watch them do their inspections and your average horse owner would see the horse and think they hadn't been trained to lead. The handlers have to know how to direct the energy and not get stomped on or smashed. I'm sure like with my horse, at times these horses follow along like docile little lambs and turn on a loose lead off body language alone.


...and I just wanted to say I liked the way the lady in the pink jacket in that clip remained calm and unruffled with her horse and just stood her ground and directed traffic without getting in its face - I can guarantee you that if she did get into that horse's face and tried to play "I'll show you who's boss" with aggression and attempts to beat the horse, rip at its bit, or otherwise inflict actual pain, the situation would escalate - and the horse would lose its trust in, and general good relationship with, its handler. I've seen first-hand what happens when people try to bully high-energy horses like this, and it's not pretty, and it doesn't work. You have to be tactful and calm, you have to respond thoughtfully rather than be reactive, you have to work to get the horse's cooperation in a positive way, and you have to respect the horse and its wiring - not just expect the horse to respect you - and certainly you can't expect it to change its whole being and become a sort of domesticated unicorn just out of deference to you. No - just no!

The commonly advocated approach of domineering your horse may work with docile individuals / docile breeds, but won't work with spirited horses, who are a two-way street. However, the tactful, empathic approach that works with spirited, hot-bred horses _does_ work with docile horses as well, and they also appreciate it.

I've worked with several horses who left big, impatient training establishments with tactless techniques at a loss - Romeo is one of them - he used to jump fences with cart and driver attached and smash everything to pieces (because the idiots used an electric whip to "show him who's boss") - thus ending up on the dog meat truck at three years of age. Did he jump rails when driven when we got him? No - since we handled him with tact and established a good relationship with him. He had been banned from races several times - and returned to racing again for a number of years after coming to us. I had no troubles with him in trail and general riding (but had to make sure that if I did let him gallop flat out, I'd have a good kilometre or at least a long sandy uphill for him to work the speed out of his system before I tried to collect him up again - this horse was seriously "speed-crazy" - as he was bred to be - and the fastest horse I ever rode in my life).



DanteDressageNerd said:


> And exactly! Like with your horse you cant just discipline it out or just pet them and have them come down or have a system that fixes it completely. It's part of being a good handler and manager of the horse, is instilling discipline and direction but at the same time understanding a horse has a mind of it's own and even with good handling and a good system, they're still animals and not machines. It's a big part of why I try to show an honest journal and about our progress and not give a dam* what people say about it, is because this is the reality of horse training. Especially if you are asking something from the horse.


I just thought the heart of those two posts bore repeating. I agree whole-heartedly with both of you. I've educated and worked with "hot" performance horses, including stallions, for most of my life, and this is it exactly. You cannot compare their reactions to the reactions of mellow individuals from mellow riding breeds, which is what you mostly get in riding schools - even the "difficult" ones there are mostly still in that category.

Here's what many off-track horses do a lot of when at liberty - and the two bay horses running around are both retired - the tall white-socked one is 27 in this clip - "that" Romeo:





 




 
This is relatively laid back for these sorts of horses - because they are in a free-range, run-all-you-like-with-your-buddies situation. So they're merely cantering and capering. If stabled and yarded, and then allowed access to turnout, horses like this will gallop and do literal handstands, rear up, kick up into the air with both hind feet, pretend they're going to jump the fence, sometimes actually jump the fence (Romeo, the white-socked one, could clear a 4-foot fence clean from a relaxed standstill), and make lots of holes in the ground when doing sliding stops for fun.

I currently have four OTSTBs here, aged between 17 and 34; all free-ranging. The three younger ones run several times a day, trotting flat out, cantering, capering, and sprinting flat out with each other. Great-granddad joins in now and then. We've had two magnitude 5+ earthquakes here over the past four months. The first one, 5.7 on the Richter scale, we didn't realise was an earthquake - we just thought the horses were doing their usual racing around the house and up into the forest again, as they do several times a day when the mood is upon them. The ground hums like that here all the time. We just wondered why we couldn't see them on that occasion - and then found out later we'd had an earthquake. :rofl:

Julian, and his mother Juliet, both were horses who could (and did, especially with people not used to handling horses like this) run away with a ground handler like a bullet train when the mood was upon them, when they were in race training. The trick to preventing it was to thread the lead rope through the halter over the nose and apply an unbalancing sideways force immediately they were thinking about being off - then they'd just circle around you. Or you could lead them with a stallion bit, and circle them occasionally. You often have to use your wits and play chess - and remain good-humoured with them. Once a horse like that wants to give you its cooperation, I can guarantee you it will give you much more than an ordinary horse that can be handled with ordinary methods.

It's interesting in retrospect, how I've seen many riding school type people - even the instructors - unable to handle horses like this with their usual methods. On the other hand, people who work well with spirited horses can usually handle each other's horses with ease.

One friend who had a long history with OTTBs had no trouble jumping with Romeo for fun and needed no pointers from me to work really well with him (this "dangerous" horse who'd put people in hospital, but never put a scratch on any of us). Another friend who had a horse very much like Romeo, but OTTB, could handle any of ours. Her horse had a track reputation much like Romeo had had - that "crazy, dangerous" horse who'd been in and out of ambitious racing stables, and who couldn't be beaten by any peers over 800m. Like Romeo, he was a big teddy-bear at heart - and of course, a bullet train in body. And she and I used to ride our horses together on trails - because we didn't know anyone else who wanted to give their horses a lot of exercise, or who didn't think it was reckless hooning to let a horse run flat out on a good stretch of track.

We were floating this OTTB to a photoshoot at the harbour once, and about to offload him, when my friend said to me, "My horse really likes you." I replied, "Well, I really like him too, he's just great!" And I did, my heart just goes like this  when I'm with horses like that. And later on, at the end of the photoshoot, she rode up to me, and said, "Come on, you have a go!" And so I had my first ride on Rikki-Tikki. I had to ride him stirrupless, because her leathers didn't accommodate my leg length, and we got terribly wet because of all the water splashing. Here's some photos from that day - and the last one is of me, stopping just before we got to the photographer! :rofl:




























And another of friend and horse on a beach day:










These are magnificent animals, and it is a joy to work with one.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Kalraii- He really is very kind and very sweet natured, he's opinionated and testy but there is nothing mean about him. 

He's pretty respectful of the lead rope barrier. He is not a jumper and is terrified of electric wire. Very respectful of things like that. And yes. I was walking him into the arena when he took off, so I roped off the entrance and tried to be calm. Today we backed up into the arena. I was not interested in a replay. I think he's done it so much he knows how to manuver the rope. I dont think that's something I'll ever be able to fix. He learned that before I got him, the cowboy tried, natural horseman has tried, groom who worked for FEI and elite riders tried, I've tried if he wants to get away you cant hold him. A friend of mine also tried and he broke the lead rope.

And thank you. He's really-really hard to sit, Dante (my quarab) who was quite bouncy was more comfortable than Wonder. His canter is lovely, the trot is like a catapult slinging you up and out every stride. Very very bouncy. I wish he was a bit more comfortable but I dont see that ever happening, the stronger he gets the more he pushes off that hind end and the more swing he gets in his back. His collected trot is okay but his medium is awful bordering painful. Have to work a TON on my core and lats

My bf wants to learn to ride but to trail ride and that sort of thing. Wonder loves him and vice versa, I let him ride Wonder at the walk. He used to ride motorcycles off roading and that sort of thing and is very athletic. I think he could be quite a good rider if he wanted to be but he wants to be competent to gallop and ride in the fields and trails. Doesnt need to specialize. Totally respects that Wonder isn't something I can let him play on to learn. He compared it like riding a motorcyle to a pros motorcycle and how specialized and skilled you need to be to handle a bike like that but also respects horses have a mind of their own and arent predictable. He has a pretty impressive instinctual feel for animals (grew up with parrots, dogs, cats, bunnies, etc). We'd love to take Wonder and another horse to the beach and do a few outdoor type vacations like that sometime. 

Grace- Thank you! I really liked them and will get them ordered some day! I am glad to have a saddle back, it's not a 100% fit but it's close enough. Wonder has to understand it cant be perfect but close enough is quite good!

SueC- horses are such amazing animals, I love how much thought you put into your post and in regards to the love of horses and the love of their spirit. I entirely agree. I've met many trainer, even ones of performance or eventing or show jumping or dressage who can't handle something unconventional. They can work with "hot" or "strong" but some horses just allude them. A lot of people cant deal with willful, determined and clever. But I totally 100% agree you can't dominate or wave a magic wand to "fix" them, you work with what you have and each day do your best to make them respond better but it's always a joint effort. You cannot make a clever horse do anything, you can insist but it's always a partnership and adjusting to the horse you are working with. I think people get blinded by their ideology and expect horse training to go like a book. I've known a lot of trainers, I've met very very few who could work with Wonder. For example my two trainers back home, I think one would get Wonder to rear and flip on her. Wonder can handle pressure if it is fair but treat him like a dumb animal to be dominated and he will fight and win. My other trainer who rode the GP and developed many thoroughbreds in her time loved him and had no problems at all with him. It's interesting with him, if you ride too light and more like a typical thoroughbred he will over power the rider, take control and do as he pleases. But you cannot muscle him or go to war with him either. It's like a line must be set and I've had fights with him where I've grabbed hold of my bucking strap, so he couldn't pull on me and getting him to respect the bit-hand boundary and not pull on me has taken a great deal of effort. Lots of core and coordination. On the ground he knows the exact angle to pull loose, so if I see him do it if I'm not quick enough to run towards his head I'll lose him. There is NO way at all to keep hold of him, even with a stud chain he does it unless it's a lip chain but I dont want to lip chain him unless absolutely necessary. It's not a good thing when a horse has learned and been made aware of how very powerful and strong they are. Again lots of natural horsemanship, he's better but he is still Wonder. 

Your horses are lovely btw and I LOVE your field, I wish we had something like that for him to run in here. They have open fields but use it for haylage so no horses on it. 

_____________

UPDATE

My bf is buying Wonder a few things for Christmas, he's super sweet. I mentioned Wonder was bored in his stall (I would love to have him turned out) but the fields are slick and too small for him to run and slide so he'd probably end up tearing down the whole fence. Plus when handled by other people he can be pretty mischievous. He tests the snot out of EVERY single person on the ground and undersaddle, except for my bf. He loves him and is a total angel for him. So they've been putting him in the arena in the mornings to let him run around, roll and play. Inside the building he is perfect for the handlers, outside he gets crazy. Ive struggled with bringing him in before too, so I get it. Just dont know why he gets so crazy. I had to put a lip chain on him and that was the only way I could bring him in from outside. Even when Im firm about discipline and how he walks, etc. Whatever.

Big part of why I do things like spanish walk is to create more shoulder action and reach in Wonder. Purpose of teaching half steps, piaffe and passage. People think doing movements is about tricks and pressuring a horse to do movements and that has NOTHING to do with it. It's about acceptance of the aids, enforcing understanding and communication, as well as improving the fitness and condition of the horse to change their physical mechanics and way of going to accommodate a rider. I get so irritated with people who dont have a clue, want to know how to ride a piaffe? You dont shut them down, you use their revved engine to collect and collect and march their hind end under them while they bring more and more weight behind and lift in the shoulder and ACCEPT the core seat half halt to such an extent you can put loops in the reins and they'll still sit. You DONT hold them back, maybe when teaching them how to march their hind end up and ACCEPT contact while bringing themselves under but it's more give and take. Like here I'm taking while I use core to half halt and leg to bring you up and release all aids. Its hard for them to learn. But you do NOT pressure it, you give them the idea and bring them back then send them in a lengthening or medium and come back. It's about adjustability, acceptance and obedience which is something that has to be addressed every ride on Wonder or there is no relaxation. Piaffe should be fun for the horse. With Wonder it really helps him chill and relax and regulate his rhythm. Some days I cant get piaffe, only half steps. 

Want to know how to ride a half pass? First the horse has to accept the inside leg and understand how to round around it, then they must know how to do haunches in and shoulder in, reverse shoulder in, reverse haunches in, etc when you go into a half pass you use the inside bend and ask them to move into the inside pressure, opposite of leg yield where they move away from it. It's a test of the horse's acceptance of the aids and ability to connect parts of their body. People dont have a clue, they think schooling movements is all about pressure and to show off. Not at all. It's about creating a more supple, willing, obedient and accepting horse with a clearer understanding of the aids and relationship to the rider. Acceptance of the aids and obedience is a HUGE priority with this horse, if you CANT earn his respect, there is not a hope in hel! of doing anything with this horse even steering or brakes. He is ALWAYS looking for the go to take control. That is who he is, that is not going to change which is why if you want relaxation from this horse, backing off and asking for nothing is the LAST thing you should do. Else you have a tense horse who is getting hotter and hotter under you with the pressure coming from his own mind rather than LISTENING. Very stallion like temperament and ride. When I ride him, I know a lot of the things I feel you simply cant see but sit on him and feel it, he rides nothing like he looks. Every person who has sat on him has said, that was not what I expected. Lose focus or be off in your timing and he goes from 0 to 100 in a breath. That's a professional's horse and thankfully not something most people have really encountered. I've had people tell me horses were like that and get on and never had any problem and they wouldn't be something I'd even describe necessarily as hot, just nervous because their rider wasn't clear enough and they were confused. But earn their trust and no problem. That's not Wonder, he doesn't lack confidence, he's more like a rolling steam engine who feels you slack and says oh I got it and takes control. It's not malicious. And that's where other riders have a problem with him, he looks for small inconsistencies and turns them into gaping holes. Then when I get back on he and I have a bit of a fight of firmness before he's like okay I accept your leadership.

Gave Wonder an hour and a half massage yesterday, he really needed that. He'll have two days off from work too. And some more massage work. 









Did some long lining a few days ago, he had a little meltdown when I moved the outside line behind him and it touched his butt or tried to teach him how to change directions. I'm glad I've done quite a bit of long lining, else this would be impossible. Still a process of training him how to long line without a nervous breakdown. Very slow process on this one but very good for getting him to accept direction without over reacting and having a come apart. He's been desensitized to all the equipment and I've spent quite a bit of time just at walk but when he has a come apart I mean he starts backing and can back around the whole arena very very quickly. I've started swinging his bottom with the outside rein. Have to know what you're doing with long lines. Maybe I should give up trying to explain Wonder is a professionals-only horse for a very good reason. He is a very sweet, loving horse but he's very-very intense.

Wonder absolutely loves the boyfriend and he handles Wonder REALLY well. I was stunned by how well he can handle Wonder because he has limited horse experience. Wonder went to test him, reared up (on the ground), etc and he handled it like a pro! I was SO SO impressed, he totally gets Wonder and reads their body language incredibly well. Im stunned, he's grown up with animals and really seems to understand them. Does great with Alma (my cat) too. And I showed him some things about how when Wonder goes to test and push the boundary how to use energy on the ground to push Wonder out of his space and to show Wonder his body language. And showed him how to use his energy and mind to move Wonder. He and Wonder get along REALLY well. He's also ridden Wonder and he has such a natural seat, I was like I think I could teach you to ride easily. Wonder was SO good for him too, I've NEVER seen anyone get on Wonder and Wonder just be totally good and not be testy or try any funny business. I want to rent a horse that he could learn to ride on because Wonder's trot is HORRIBLY bouncy, his canter is nice but he goes from 0 to 100 way too fast and by TINY mistakes. I know he wouldnt get scared and I'm sure he could stay on but would rather teach him the goals first. He wants to learn to ride and also enjoys the horsemanship stuff quite a lot. He's more talented than I am :lol:

Also talked to a friend whose opinion I strongly respect about Wonder. I like her feedback and ideas. She's shown 3rd-4th and has her "L" judge and is pretty familiar with tricky horses. Her mare isn't easy, she isnt hot but she is so so so marish, opinionated and temperamental. She has a really good eye and evaluates horses well. I sent her a few videos and she was like I agree, he was well ready for a double and I like how he goes in it a lot more, he's a lot softer, more agreeable and doesnt looks as tense. She said that is such a freaking strong horse and I asked how she could tell. And she said how can you not see it? If someone can't see how powerful and hot that horse is they're blind. She also agreed it's a shame Wonder was gelded and asked me if I had asked his previous owner why he cut him. She said he has the mechanics of any thoroughbred I've seen. She said when I got him she was curious how I'd develop him and that she wasnt sure about him because he didnt seem 100% in the hind end and that concerned her and how he'd hold up to the pressure of dressage with as hot as he is. She said she could always tell he would develop good gaits and that she expects they'll be a lot better in the years to come. Had some tips for half pass and loves his changes, she said I'd say he's schooling 3rd or close to. I need to get more video to show his half passes and half steps or piaffe work. Some days I can get piaffe, other days it's just half steps and I dont want to pressure piaffe, I want him to do it listening and willing.

Wonder


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> Wonder absolutely loves the boyfriend and he handles Wonder REALLY well. I was stunned by how well he can handle Wonder because he has limited horse experience. Wonder went to test him, reared up (on the ground), etc and he handled it like a pro! I was SO SO impressed, he totally gets Wonder and reads their body language incredibly well. Im stunned, he's grown up with animals and really seems to understand them. Does great with Alma (my cat) too. And I showed him some things about how when Wonder goes to test and push the boundary how to use energy on the ground to push Wonder out of his space and to show Wonder his body language. And showed him how to use his energy and mind to move Wonder. He and Wonder get along REALLY well.



Horses are excellent judges of character!  So this is very, very good news. My horses liked none of the people I went out with as a young person - but they did _all_ like Brett, when I first met him, and we've now been married over ten years. I think I could have saved myself a lot of time and energy if I had simply paraded any dates past my horses before deciding whether or not to get involved! You may have found yourself a "keeper". 

inkunicorn::blueunicorn:


PS: I also really like his body language around your horse and the general impression of him visually. Plus, he's a cutie, which is helpful!


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you. I think he is too but I agree. Your horses would have saved a lot of time and heart ache, they're wiser than we are. Horses are a great judge of character, especially ones that are skeptical of people. But the bf is awesome, I like him a lot. Very straight forward and honest, as he told me I have nothing to hide, so we've pretty much laid everything out on the table for each other and were like take it or leave it. 

Wonder plan, really want to get some video sometime. My friends who was living with me has moved, so she is in her own country with a future of possibilities. So I dont know when I can get video and would like angles to show the half pass, shoulder in, haunches in and other laterals. My one friend whose shown 3rd-4th and has her "L" judge said she'd give me some more feedback if I can get video. REALLY want to show his extended trot. It's HUGE. It would be acceptable for a 3rd level test but need to be much more uphill and more controlled. It's pretty regular and the scary thing is, as huge as it is (I can see in the mirror) is there is a whole lot more in there. He LOVES to extend. But he needs to easily come back which atm takes a lot of time, we need to do more transitions extended to collected. I extend the long sides and shorten the short sides then usually use a 12m circle to help bring him back and if he runs through my come back aid we halt and back up a few steps. Have to make things as clear as possible for him. I never get after him or punish him, just break it down and explain it to him. The very thoroughbred thing about Wonder is he an eager beaver overachiever and it's SO important to make sure aids are CRYSTAL CLEAR or he takes over. When I say take over I mean he will literally grab the bit and go whatever direction he wants at whatever pace he wants. Cant let that happen EVER. 

Turned him out before I rode and did some in hand. He is very handy with his hind end. I taught him to levade and I tried to video it myself (too hard to manage both) but he can go up and down 5-7 times back to back, he's that balanced and controlled about it. He's such a good boy and NEVER offers undersaddle, I've asked for one levade undersaddle and he did it. He came up in front but didn't go up too high. Was super proud of him. He knows the difference. I've been asked several times WHY I taught him that and I said because it's fun for him and he LOVES to learn and I've always admired the high school movements. I really think he could do many of the airs above the ground quite easily, if I had the skill to teach it to him. He LOVES to learn and play, I love working with his playfulness and eagerness to try new things. It keeps him mentally interested.

Monday undersaddle, I rode in the double because he tends to bare down in the snaffle and it doesn't especially matter what I do or how many times I drop the contact to get him to let go or sit him on his hind quarters, a balance between the snaffle and double seems to work best. Ride too many days in a row in the snaffle and he tends to bare down and pull the snot out of me. In the double I dropped the curb rein for most the ride because we did a lot of walk to improve his half passes and understand of the aids. I wanted to make it crystal clear to Wonder what different aids mean. So lots of turn on the forehand, really yielding off the inside leg and accepting the outside rein. Shoulder in, really emphasizing accepting the inside leg and outside rein, haunches in, reverse shoulder in and haunches in. Shoulder in, piroette into a half pass back into a shoulder in the opposite direction, pirouette half pass. Then quite a few transitions, medium and pushing the medium into an extension while maintaining organization and uphill momentum. His mediums are much improved. He's getting some suspension to his trot. Canter both directions. I'm backing off of changes for a while because he has them really solid and it makes him hot. He LOVES flying changes but what he needs to make them better is more collection and supple coordination in his body. So what he needs is more canter leg yields, shoulder in, haunches in and half pass to get him more fluid and accepting of the aids. He needs that to develop a canter pirouette. It's so easy for him. He kept using ANY excuse to take off. So a lot of I can put my inside leg on and you have to yield, also sharpening him in lateral responsiveness. No spurs today. I alternate. Some days I ride with the snaffle, some with double, some with spurs, some without, some with a whip and some without. He doesnt need a whip but I always have one because if I don't ride him with it for an extended period of time then I have to desensitize him to it again. I spent months getting him to accept a whip and now he does. I also use my whip to emphasize my position, I dont need to touch him with it to mean something. 

When he's stronger and able, I want to do Half pass at canter to centerline, half pirouette and flying change back to the wall. A ways from that but that's the aim. To build for that, we're doing collected canter leg yield to the wall, half pass to centerline, serpentine loops, counter canter, etc. Backing off of changes because he gets too excited (loves his changes). Perfecting walk pirouettes and at walk doing the exercise. It REALLY helps. Surprisingly canter half pass is easier for Wonder than trot or walk half pass. 

Monday we mostly walked. Some trot, quite a few transitions and between the laterals sometimes throwing in a halt and having him just accept each rein. Warm up was basically accepting inside rein and inside leg to bend, then switching to outside flexion, both ways. I found a good exercise for him with bend is to look down at the inside boot and to really emphasize the bend off of position and make him more flexible and supple. Opening inside rein, outside rein brings in and outside leg at shoulder brings the shoulder in. Did some spins to make him more respectful of the outside aids and not bare down on it. 

Half pass left is better than half pass right but half pass right today felt the best it has felt. I really want to get video of Mister Wonder but dont have a clue when I'll be able to get some to show his progress. Don't know when I can ride with the trainer I want to. I think it's silly she cant come to him. She lives basically next door to me and is AMAZING. I want to train with her(International caliber GP rider but can ride hot and sensitive really well and can ride and work with quirky, difficult individuals) but it's also $75 per lesson which I dont have atm. But I have friends who are familiar with me and Wonder and know their stuff who have pointers or ideas for me.

Tuesday I adjusted the saddle on the right by filling in a bridging gap and Wonder's half pass right was brilliant, the blocking is from the saddle so I'm fixing the bridging on both sides so he's more comfortable and the weight distributes better on his back but to the back of the pannel is overstuffed and while it's not terrible it does cut into his back and I wonder if that is affecting his collection and ability to come back. I think the back of the saddle, especially left is putting pressure on that muscle and making it hard for Wonder to engage his left hind. So I'm hoping to make him more comfortable. I'll work him Wednesday and Thursday, lunge and massage Friday and then he'll have Saturday and Sunday off. Monday will probably be a light lunge and in hand session. Tuesday he was actually pretty relaxed, the most relaxed he's been in a while. Was quite proud of that. Canter he ran away a bit, have to be SO SO strong in my core to keep my seat pirouette canter still or he extends his canter and his extended canter is HUGE and hard to bring back. So I've been using circles and laterals to bring him back. I find it better to let the exercise with the aids to bring him back. I try to avoid touching the bridle as much as possible. He isn't pulling on the bridle much anymore and is so much more consistent, so beyond base contact I'm trying to get him to respect the fingers and most days and times he does and I dont have to lock my elbows into my ribs quite so much. He can pull so f*cking hard, I've NEVER had a horse who pulls as hard as he does or tests nearly as much. Anytime he pulls I grab the bucking strap to keep my hands as steady as possible and warming up I bridge my bradoon reins and just work him with the snaffle for a bit and have him follow my body position in serpentine and changing direction before I pick up the curb rein. He's starting to start out more relaxed but trying to find balance. He is very very easy to overstimulate, balance is key. I think if I started him as a 3yr old it'd be very different.

Wednesday we jumped a course of 18"-2" jumps. He was pretty good. Still have to funnel him and be like hey we're doing this and he jumps okay when he jumps. I came back in the saddle to quickly so he drug his hind end through a jump and then I have to wake him up a bit or he just trots them :lol: not a jumper but I think it's really good for dressage horses to jump. It REALLY improves their canter and quality of gaits. Lot of work to get Wonder's gaits where I know they can be. Some horses show their best quality of pace in the beginning and become plain with training, others start with very plain gaits but great mechanics and end up with good gaits. I agree with my friends we have all seen a lot of thoroughbreds, some better movers but none had the mechanics or power that Wonder has. And for me I'd rather have a horse with all that power who is a bit strong than something that is light and simply doesnt have the power. I think a powerful horse is harder to organize and ride, it takes a lot of core strength and rider power but it makes for a better GP horse.

Have not been riding outside because it's very cold and gets dark before I'm there (Im in Scandinavia). And truthfully if Wonder has a moment and with the ground as icey as it is. I dont want to go down on it. Not worth it to me. Wonder is a lot more sure footed than he used to be but I know him :lol: 

Also had some fun explaining to a friend what we're looking for in a correct dressage outline and how it changes at different levels. If you hold a training level standard to an upper level horse, you'll have a horse who will never make it. Also why I'm watching videos of horses doing 3rd-4th level who clearly haven't developed the push power or ability to take weight behind. Heck I've seen horses show at the GP that can't really sit or take weight behind and have very artificial and funky looking movements. Things like nose position, tracking up can be indicating of a horse that's engaged but what you look for with a trained eye is the neck, back and connection from back to front. It's easier to see nuances and flaws in non-purpose bred horses, need a really good eye to catch it with the purpose bred, quality horses who are easy as pie to start and ride. I know of a few riders who cant really ride out of a paperbag who look amazing on a quality horse. Wonder isn't built on the bit, he is HARD to get in the bridle and have through, he's quite a stiff, tense, anxious ball of intensity. 

I also believe a rider who is worth their salt should be able to position a horses nose and neck where they want to and make the communication between the body and hands clear. If I want to ride 

Also how neck conformation affects "head set" and how Valegro and Wonder tend to use their neck's similarly as an example of showing different conformation types. I said some people value "nose position" over throughness but to me it's all about back engagement and getting the sit behind. I've seen horses with perfect nose position who never engage from behind and are never through or truly over their back, despite schooling FEI levels. The purpose of dressage is to change the horse's way of carrying itself to adjust for carrying a rider, I think of it a bit like active yoga where you're changing the horse's way of carrying themselves. You're changing the horse's natural way of carrying itself to carrying a rider. 

Wonder is an upper level prospect but he is not what I'd call quality, not like the horses you see in Europe at the lower levels but if you attend a CDI and look at the horse competing I2-GP they're more like Wonder and not like the spectacular young horses.

I also like watching top amazing riders on horse's of more average quality who aren't super stars. 





Millie 3yr old morgan





Leo





Saturday/Raphael





Frankie 3yr old 3mo broke





Layla





Jimmy





Charlie 3yr old saddlebred 1mo broke





Frankie last video, I wish I had video of my last lesson she went so much better than this





Dev









Dooley





Dante





Friday





I wish I had video of me riding the PSG-I1 horse and Tiamo. Most of the above are young or pretty green. Core seat sit the croup down and lift the shoulders.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> Have to make things as clear as possible for him. I never get after him or punish him, just break it down and explain it to him.



:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

:happydance:

This ought to be every rider's motto.

It's great to see a beautiful, talented, high-energy horse with tons of personality paired with a human who treats him with respect and love, and uses her brains, as well as her heart, to communicate with him.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Aww thank you. He is really special. I feel so lucky to have him and I hope he feels appreciated  he's something else. 

I do my best to reach him and give him confidence. I think he's usually pretty confident but I wouldn't consider him cocky or arrogant. I'd say he is very enthusiastic, willful and wants to please. He can get into his head too much sometimes, so have to really keep it simple and help him relax and not think too much. It's always about trying to put relaxation into him and encouraging him to take a breath and not get too obsessive or anxious. He's a complicated horse but I like him that way. 

Been really busy, so will try to catch up on journals later. Not sure when.

Wonder learning levade










His half pass is usually better. He was REALLY testy today. He knows I have nerve damage in my right shoulder and if he pulls hard enough he can contort my body and get out of things. I suspect he's a little sore but I cant let him call the shots or have an attitude because he's comfortable. I back off when they're sore and dont push but at the same time I expect okay lets run through a few things and we're done. Why? I'm a former active duty Marine, I've pushed my body to the limit and been in an intense program and found when I did a little bit of the exercises that made me sore I'd be less sore. You DONT stress the muscle but you work it enough to release some of the tension and recovery is much faster and the muscles dont lock up as much.






What was videoed was him at his worst which was mostly pulling the snot out of my body and me trying REALLY hard to stay in the center of him or grabbing the surcingle to keep the reins steady. He can pull so fuking hard. And he's bouncy as they come, OMG sitting his long and low trot is so bouncy I had to grab the surcingle and my boobs almost strangled me with a GOOD sports bra. He is THAT bouncy and uncomfortable in the trot, I think he is the most difficult horse I've ever sat trot on. He also can do a long and deep canter now which really makes his canter more scopey without being fast. I NEED to really work even harder on my abdominals and back. He really ripped the snot out of my body and I hurt EVERYWHERE. He knows how to manipulate my body so he doesn't have to be through or straight. He's a smart horse. Really want a trainer but can't afford $75 per lesson. Too broke. 

The saddle simply isnt fitting Wonder right. It's over flocked in the back causing pressure on Wonder to where he doesnt want to collect in the saddle. He'll go on the bit up to a 2nd level frame in it but the saddle punishes him when he rounds and his half pass is LOVELY but in the saddle it's blocking him. It's so frustrating. I'm so so so not wealthy at the moment!! But he cant bend left in the saddle and without the saddle NO problem bending left but then he grabs the right rein and takes it from me because he KNOWS I have nerve damage and cant help it. If I ride in the double, he doesn't even try to pull on me but the snaffle he'll just PULL the sh!t outof me, so sometimes I have to grab my grab strap or surcingle when I ride him so he can't pull like that. Jeeze. I think he needs to see the chiropractor at some point too. Super expensive in Denmark. Same with farrier work. I use one of the best farriers in the world (super nice guy and does an AMAZING job). He was the farrier to the Danish olympic team. I met him when I worked for Morten.

He also cut his right hind pretty well. It was quite swollen (normal for Wonder). He swells a lot, so been icing and light riding. Light riding keeps him from being too rough on himself or blowing a fuse and gets blood flow going and reduces the swelling quite a lot then ice. And his leg came right down and the heat went away. 

Wonder was super neurotic lunging on Monday, had to be so careful or he wouldnt have a meltdown of nervous energy. He's usually not a nervous horse, so did some desensitization work and lot of encouragement and kept things VERY VERY simple. Didnt ask for anything complicated, just walk, trot and halt. If he has too many days off he gets SUPER nervous about EVERYTHING and acts like I havent done any desensitization work or anything with him. He comes back by next day but he CANT have too much time off or it's like a nervous, anxious horse who starts backing up the whole arena because he felt you exhale wrong and just shoots back super super fast. You can feel the fear, it's a reaction. He drags you along with him if you try to stop him. So on days like that, it's all about Wonder needs to take a breath and keeping it super simple. If the weather was better and the ground more reliable I'd love to go for a hack. Generally he is not nervous or lacking in confidence but sometimes he is and it takes a lot of gentle encouragement and being super simple. No stress or he starts to overthink and gets nervous. 






Boyfriend is great, I think he just told me he loves me. Because I was saying Wonder loves his Mama, etc, etc and he said he's not the only one, me too. And calls Wonder a bonus. He says I get you and Wonder lol. I spent time with him and his friends this weekend. They like me. He has a female friend staying on his couch for about a week until she can go to Asia. Rent is crazy in Copenhagen. I'm not worried or bothered by that at all. I've met her and I know him. I can't explain but I trust him.

Today Wonder was very very good. I rode him bareback, night and day riding him bareback vs in the saddle. I rode in the double and he was SO much more respectful and accepting of the right rein. Did some half steps and piaffe steps today, he's getting a lot better at it. Half pass was pretty good but right lead canter he is REALLY hard to get to half pass, no problem the other direction and his changes were a little sticky today. That's what makes me think he needs the chiropractor. Changes are usually easy for him. But his canter was BY FAR the most controlled, manageable and listening today. He went from medium and came back to collected quite easily for him, then canter half pass felt quite lovely. To the right we had a quarter turn canter pirouette. Not a canter pirouette. More like hey sit back, sit back, how far can you sit haunches in quarter turn and straight. Wonder was quite game, didn't get anxious. Then lots of walking. Today I wish we could have gotten some video. He was on it. Wonder really loves what he does, he was so proud of himself. Earlier in the day I tried to ride him outside but he was too crazy. It was like trot 2-3 steps, he tried to bolt so back to walk did that straight for quite a while before saying okay it's cold. We'll go in and he was great.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thursday- Wonder amazes me. He has got to be the smartest horse I have ever worked with. I have never met a horse who puts pieces together like he does. He's a freak of nature, too [email protected] smart. He also likes to take things a part, I told my bf he wants to be an engineer. Then Wonder knows how to turn off and turn on the lights. So sometimes he'll turn them off and I'll be like WONDER!! And he'll turn them back on. Told my bf that and he's like look he's one of my tribe, he wants to be an electrical engineer :lol: Today he let himself out of his box to get to a bag of carrots. They were EVERYWHERE, so now we have to bolt the bottom lock too because he lets himself out of his box! Whole bag of carrots totally gone.

Quite amazing we did our first half canter pirouette to the right, he was trying to evade using the outside shoulder so I was like okay try this and he got it, I was NOT NOT expecting that. I can't guarantee I'll be able to get it again, I think it was a fluke but he seems to be pairing the levade work with the canter, smart, smart boy. I wish I had it on video and some of the levade work. He figured out the difference between back up and levade undersaddle *happy claps* he likes all the tricks but with all these tricks, I also take time to make it clear to him what I'm asking for and how to separate the cues so they're clear to him, else he enjoys them and makes his own decisions :lol: he has such a stallion-temperament. Several people at the barn refer to him as a stallion. They know he's a gelding but he presents himself and behaves like one. In the arena even have to be careful when with mares or he'll try to run them down and really prances and show offy. 

Tuesday Morning

Spent the weekend in Copenhagen with Miguel (boyfriend), I wont see him again for 5wks. He has this week to work, so flies out Friday. In Asia for 3wks gets back on a Sunday. So I'll see him the weekend after that and he'll come here. He needs the vacation and wont have access to wifi all the time and roaming data is costly. It's okay though, I have finals in January so need the time to focus and study. He is so sweet and dorky, I love him. We agree we can't really explain what it is and other people dont have to understand but I feel it and he does too. It's healthy like together we both feel in balance, it's natural. Give and take and we're just there for each other and it doesn't feel forced or pressured, just natural. We dont have to think about what we say to each other or fear, just be who we are. I learned through him if someone makes me crazy, it's because their energy is bad for me and if they make me calm and balanced it's right. He's my happy place and I am his, with me he said he doesn't stress or worry so much (he's a typical engineer, a bit neurotic and an overthinker). That I calm him and soothe him, so he doesn't worry and that he's never had it like that before. With me he says things are so easy and not stressful, even when I'm struggling with bipolar disorder (it's not anxiety/depression). He's super supportive. He's really really good to me. I made dinner and went to clean and he was like no, I've got that go sit down and enjoy. And he remembers all the little stuff that I've forgotten I'd told him, the little details. It's really sweet and he said his exs said he sucked at communication, showing affection, or expressing feelings. They described him as being like a closed off rock. Never noticed that but I dont think he can say it, express it or show it unless he really-really means it and feels safe. He's very very energy sensitive like I am, so we both close up really quick if the energy balance isnt quite right and we might not realize that's what we're doing and think oh it just takes time. He's pretty shy. Neither of us are usually very affectionate but we are to each other. He has plans for us to next Christmas :lol: and his friends and I get along really well. One was like see you in 6 months (she's off to Asia for 6 months to study Martial arts). Amazing amazing woman, another friend is an ambassador and really nice. I like her a lot too but she'll be leaving Denmark soon as well sadly. I mean great for her, I think she's going back to Africa. She was happy there. I've met quite a few friends and they're pretty nice, good people from all over the world. It's a good group. 

For Christmas Miguel just wants riding lessons from me and should have a horse he can ride. We communicate and understand each other well, so I think it's a good training match. His goal is to be able to ride Wonder on the beach and ride him in general. I think he has the talent, Wonder loves him and he has a natural understanding of animals. So I think it can be done, though I have informed him it will take time because a lot of professionals couldn't ride Wonder successfully and probably just say he's bad. Cant force him into a box or he behaves badly, just patience. 

Sometimes I feel a little lost because I dont really look Danish or German. I dont know what I look like nationality wise. I've been told I look Finnish and that would make the most sense since they tend to have the exotic eye shape and softer features but I'm a bit taller than a usual Finn. I dont really look Danish or German or Russian. It doesn't really matter but it's sort of interesting when you're in a night club with Europeans.

Some of Copenhagen to share






Queens Guard and Band










Crazy Wonder. He's a nut. I absolutely love him but he is crazy. In Denmark the trainer there describes him as sweet but crazy. But you know he's my kind of crazy


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## DanteDressageNerd

From this weekend in Copenhagen, will try to catch up on journals sometime this week but still have a lot left to do! Finals coming in January!


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## knightrider

Wonder is so beautiful, and you are so great with him. I love the pictures. When my horses run and play like that, my heart is always in my mouth that they will hurt themselves with those bursts of speed and quick turns. Do you bandage his legs to protect him? Does it help? Has he ever injured himself racing around? I love to see it, but I always worry too.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- Thank you! He's a handful! I took him for a walk in the fields today and had to put a lip chain on or he was leaping all 4 feet off the ground and trying to take off. Regular chain he respects indoors, outside has to be the lip chain or be drug. I dont know anyone that has worked with him that hasn't been drug somewhere.

I don't worry when he runs like that, I figure Id rather see him do it in a larger space than try to tear down the walls. He has cut his legs up with his feet, so I try to keep him in boots now and bell boots on all 4 legs when in work or he cuts his pasterns. It helps prevent him from cutting himself and some impact. He is pretty spirited and I think for his mind it is good for him to be let loose. Wonder is a horse that needs to work his mind and body or he loses his mind. He's not happy without work. 

Tuesday
Rode bareback. His collected and medium canter were quite nice. Worked on pirouette canter both ways and would like to get shoulder in and haunches in in the canter much easier. Piaffe is coming along, he seems to be understanding the idea of levade vs backing up undersaddle. His trot is incredibly bouncy, I hate sitting his trot. It is something awful. I wish I could post it bareback but then he grabs the bit and bolts or gets into this God awful running trot. I feel bad because I want to get off his back more and really encourage him through and over his back and I think he needs stronger in the back to really sustain. In the saddle I like to put more weight in the stirrups to take more seat weight off of his back and the support of the saddle helps a lot. I like my knee blocks with him. Those knee blocks are for these horribly uncomfortable horses. Dante was easy to sit compared to Wonder and Dante wasn't easy to sit. Have to be careful that Wonder doesn't get too quick with the legs either or he loses quality of pace and gets irregular in the trot. He's not a warmblood, where if they get tense they get more expressive and move higher and bigger. Much easier to show off gaits on a wb. But Wonder doesnt have those quality of paces to show off, so it's always an effort to put relaxation in him. As he's gotten stronger it's easier to get some suspension in the trot but I dont know that he'll ever have much. He has power and a lot of hock and knee action which is great for the upper levels just very uncomfortable and hard to organize. I need to improve my core strength by a LOT. 

He's still very high strung and I'll say I've worked with a lot of thoroughbreds and ottbs and never met one like Wonder. It's a puzzle. He's SO SO SO much stronger, more intense and willful. He has a lot of thoroughbred characteristics as well and I love him but sometimes it is frustrating because it's not something I can fix. I think it can get better but he's not going to change. I'm glad the Danes are pretty understanding because they know him. I try to give a heads up when we're in traffic and he has a moment and by moment I mean I do lose control of him and cant steer or rate his pace. I get that at least once a ride but the duration is shorter and shorter and I can get him back quicker but it still happens. I don't know that he'll ever grow out of the no breaks or steering sometimes and he can be VERY spooky. He isn't with me but if allowed to spook he gets really nervous and becomes a loose cannon. I had a friend once who thought maybe because I'm high energy, it makes Wonder high energy and found actually I work really hard to soothe and relax him. Part of why I like such a hot, intense, anxious sort of horse is because it balances me and makes me calm because I have to be their rock and security they can trust and feel safe with. When I'm with horses I'm very calm, relaxed and I try to channel the energy and emotion I want them to have. I like a challenging horse.

Wednesday 
We long lined. He is getting much better and more relaxed about it. Really got him to loosen up and relax. In his breaks at the walk we did a lot of changes of direction and getting him comfortable with following the lines, doing shoulder in and haunches in on the lines. Walk pirouette turns if I ever plan to train him to drive someday. So that he's comfortable with me being behind him. Did a tiny bit of ground driving to get him comfortable with the idea. Have to take it slow long lining with Wonder. I prefer the long lines on Wonder to regular lunging, I can get him to use himself much more and be a lot more through. His half steps are really coming along and I can get that with long lines. Gradually building him with the long line.

Also thought I'd say outright Wonder's freestyle will be to Queen music, I've thought this for about a year and think it suits Wonder. Also think those who know me know I'm a huge Queen fan :lol: Introduced people to some "unheard" of Queen songs that had been introduced to me by a friend who was a guitarist and HUGE Queen fan and they were like wow how are these not hits!? One of my favorite's is sung by Brian May who is my favorite member :lol: I love Brian, he's such a sweetheart and a deeply thoughtful, intelligent and kind person. The whole band, very deep and thoughtful. 

And truthfully I dont know if I'll ever get the chance to show Wonder. I'd love to and if money were no object, absolutely. We'd be working with multiple trainers a month, I'd take lessons on GP horses and wed be campaigning to do the CDIs in a year or so. I love being in a training program, I LOVE taking lessons. 

I also feel extremely lucky to have a horse like Wonder and to be at place in my riding where I can appreciate him. If I had him a few years ago, there is no way I could ride and direct all his energy and intensity into training. He's good if you keep growing but you keep him in one spot too long he gets bored and finds every loop hole and evasion he can think of. Clever boy.

Thursday- we're still bareback because the saddle isnt' fitting and he was really good. We didn't get our best work but he really tried and had a good attitude and for the most part not getting too anxious. Moments but a good boy. Accepting direction and listening. The decent piaffe work didnt get taped and oh well. That's hard and we got what we got. Here I think he was too tired for the collected work. I also think he tends to take off when he doesn't have the strength to maintain.

Some video.The video starts where I was about to get off, so the quality of our work isnt as good. I think he was pretty tired but I wanted to get some video and he has tomorrow off. I think when he gets tired trot becomes hard for him and it's REALLY hard to keep him regular in the trot. Not our best but Wonder was really-really trying his heart out for me. It shows some of the schooling and working on things. His levade is getting better and he's figuring out the different aids between levade, piaffe and back up. I never punish him for trying and I'm pretty careful about not frying his brain. He also needs to get a better aids for extended and medium trot. He would much rather canter, canter is his favorite gait and much easier for him than the trot. 

I wasnt expecting to get any video, so this video starts where I had intended to quit. So I was like okay lets do a small demo of what he's learning, so I can mark it. Wonder has tomorrow off and worked really hard. I had also worked on getting him to collect more and to come up more and sit more at the walk. Then long and low, gather back up. So he deserves off time. He also tends to get crooked and try to pop his shoulders out, oh well. Always time to improve things





Sort of upset youtube doesnt allow a rotate option anymore, levade, half pass and half step-piaffe work





He tries so hard. It's a levade, not a rear





Miguel had also taught Wonder to bite my butt, I told him to be careful about what he taught Wonder.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Tried to give Wonder a day off and walk him outside because someone was taking a lesson inside. I put the bridle on because I didn't want to put the lip chain on and surcingle to keep the quarter sheet on and him warm while we walk. He got loose from me, this horse is the only horse I've handled where if he wants loose there is NO way to hold him. None, even one of my friends who was a groom for international trainers and groomed at the world cup, etc and stallion handler and all that couldn't keep Wonder and he's a big, strong man. I was a colt and stallion handler as well and have worked at wb inspections and worked with a huge variety of horses, I can't keep him. Tried natural horsemanship trainer, tried a variety of things, it is what it is. I just hate he's like this The problem is he's too smart and so freaking strong. I NEVER had an issue keeping the colts or stallions when they were naughty but they didn't have anywhere near Wonder's power or intelligence. It doesn't matter how much you teach him or how many times you prevent him from getting away. He KNOWS exactly how when he wants to. I now know the lip chain is the ONLY way to hold him. He totally run through the bridle. I'm just glad I had it over his neck and not leading him that way. SO lucky he hooked onto the surcingle. Not even sure how that happened but I'll take it. Friend of mine suggested maybe a poll chain.

I was not sure if I'd be able to catch him, 3rd video is catching him. This is what happens when I try to give him a day off. He has worked everyday since Monday and quite hard on Thursday. He is walked in boots because he can be wild in hand and tends to passage, leap in the air, try to spin and pull away. I had a whip in hand because he used to just climb over the top of you. Now he respects the human body and he's not mean. I handled quite a few colts and stallions who would try to bash your head in or attack you. Had a PRE stallion who was badly mismanaged by a crazy, old lady who was the "nicey, nice" type and that stallion was always chain and whip in hand and have to take the blunt end to his nose and face fast if you saw that look in his eye or he'd be coming after you with teeth and hooves. Wonder is NEVER EVER like that. He's playful, mischievous and cheeky but almost never mean. 
















Also Wonder loose from yesterday, before I rode





I'll also say how people look at the double bridle is a little ridiculous. I think a lot of people are intimidated by it and dont really understand it. Or they think the double offers more control or power against a horse. And I'd say not really. I think it offers you the ability to apply pressure in a different way and to refine communication. I dont feel it offers more power. I usually warm up with a dropped curb rein. Snaffle is better for lateral flexion and general acceptance, the curb for me is like a reminder not pull on me and to respect my hands. I swear only horse whose ever pulled on me so hard he's ripped both my core and back muscles. And yanked my arms hard enough I had to see the chiropractor afterwards. He's crazy strong. For a while and still when he pulls I grab the surcingle or the bucking strap and let him pull on himself, drop the rein and you have no steering or breaks when he's in that mind frame. He's testing you and testing dominance when he does it and if you don't set a clear line, he takes control and loses respect then he started spooking and doing what he wants.

Why I taught Wonder to levade. I've been asked a few times and my response is usually why not? I think it's a great exercise for hind end control and balance. It's a hard movement for a horse to execute. It's also good for Wonder's brain. Ridiculously clever horse, loves to learn and needs constant mental stimulation or he seeks it and makes his own which as a human isnt always fun, it's usually a bit scary.

Half steps-piaffe take a while to develop height and expression, watch a horse learn piaffe. It doesn't start with height but an idea. It takes a while to add expression and height once they get the idea. I dont like the leg lifting technique of teaching it because then you have a horse who knows how to lift it's legs with a hollow back and never really learns to sit in and collect to piaffe. Matine is an example of the leg lifting and artificial piaffe. She's never really over the back or shifting weight behind. Just lifting her legs. Can get a lot of expression but not collected. 

Nov 14 if I have a saddle I dont mind riding in the snaffle but bareback, he knows I dont have the same amount of support and pulls SO SO SO hard against me because he can, he's testy, clever and strong and if you dont set a limit first he just tries EVERYTHING he can to determine if he can respect you and submit to you or not. He then uses all his strength against me and pulls to the left SO SO hard I cant keep the right as well. He knows I have nerve damage in that shoulder. But I need to remember how funny he was about the right rein when I got him. You couldn't touch the right rein hardly at all last year. So that's progress. 





Wonder kisses


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## knightrider

I love the way he prances around so proudly, "I'm free! I'm free! Nyah, nyah, you can't catch me!" He's so proud of himself. Of course, I wasn't happy for you. I kept thinking bad words and proud of you for not saying them (much). I'm afraid I might have said a lot more bad words. I said them for you when I watched the videos. But he really was so cute prancing around. I think you are one of the few people in this world who can handle Wonder. I am so happy you have him and he has you.

Before I had kids, I trained all my horses to do a levade and never had a moment's problem with it. The horses knew when it was "work time" and did not do it to evade. More power to you! I hope you don't have to listen to too many comments.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Awww thank you knightrider that is really sweet  thank you. Sometimes I'm not sure what to do with him, I do the best I can with him. But I'm stumped, he reminds me of Sporty (a horse I LOVED) who was very special, he wasnt as hot but crazier than Wonder. Christopher Bartle and top riders in the UK worked with him and couldn't keep him or "fix" him and they were AMAZING horseman and rider who showed at the olympics and top levels of dressage and eventing on difficult, quirky horses. I think Wonder is less quirky and less crazy than Sporty but a lot more intense and hotter and similar category of special. 

I was thinking a lot of swear words but trying to channel positive energy because he's very energy sensitive and I wanted to catch him. He at least let me catch him and I didn't punish him because if they let you catch them and you're mean to them then they learn not to come. But frustrating because I cant stop him and I dont know anyone who can when he's like that. Pretty much everyone I know has tried, not one person can hold him when he's like that. He never tried with Casey (big guy 2m tall built like a large football player) but Wonder has a thing where in a new place he's on his BEST behavior for a week or two then the real Wonder comes out because he's confident. 

Sadly pretty much everyone knows how he is, they've handled him or worked with him and they're like he's very sweet but he is crazy. And I sort of agree. I dont think he's crazy but VERY VERY intense and powerful. I think he's able to do a lot of what he can because of his size and power, if he were say Dante's size there is NO way he'd be able to pull away like he can. He's really tough and honestly sometimes I want to cry because there are moments where he is so amazing and there are SO many good things about him but there are also moments where he really worries me. And it's hard to ride him with traffic because he has moments where he bolts and I have no brakes and steering is questionable and I have to run him into the wall. Im fairly certain it isn't a pain issue, it's mental but fixing it unfortunately takes time. He's gotten better about it but I've never had a horse run away with me like he does. Never. It scares me to ride him outside when it is cold because he is so explosive and when he's like that I cant contain him and I NEVER let him gallop or take control undersaddle. You CANT let him make decisions or it becomes dangerous. That is a firm no and also why I am focusing so much on collected and obedience type work and exercises. Im hoping brick by brick, step by step to fix this. The only weapon I have against him is the wall. He doesnt do it all the time but the simple fact is that he does. It's getting better slowly but as his owner makes me want to cry. I usually makes horses that are hot quiet and they stop these kind of antics or my trainer loved getting horses from me because she could just pick up where I left off and didn't have to really fix anything. 

I showed the videos to a few friends who know Wonder and they were like yep, that's Wonder. It's a little funny but really frustrating too. They know him, so are like yep he's never going to change and I said nope. And that's the problem. It is frustrating for me that he is this way. I cant always control him, I just cant and that isnt safe. Sometimes I want to cry because while he is better, he has lost privileges because he is like this. Like he doesnt get turnout because he is so testy and I've brought him in from field and he is SO hyper reactive and he tests the snot out of new handlers so the girl's were scared of him. He's not at all mean but he's Wondery. 

I talked to a friend who has handled and ridden Wonder and she said well, I'm sorry but I have no ideas. He is who he is. He's on a low starch-low sugar diet. We've both worked with and ridden some difficult horses and have both ridden lots and lots of thoroughbreds and agree we've never encountered one like Wonder. It's his intensity and power. He's so so so freaking strong and I'm really strong, I have an incredible strong core and back and he's torn those muscles on me. He'll fight, test and challenge you before he's like okay now I'm respectful. Very very stallion-like in that regard and if you dont make him toe the line and address all the little issues, it quickly turns into something bad.

I agree levade to me is also a useful thing for a horse to know. Makes them very handy and it takes a very obedient horse who is accepting direction. Wonder doesnt offer to "rear" as an evasion undersaddle either. He only offers when I ask or he thinks that is what I want. 

In general if people want to hate on me, they will. If people want to judge, that is on them and in my opinion a little shameful. There are horses that dont fit the mold and there are horses that most people's trainers havent encountered. Some are simply a bit special.

Something I learned today is that in order to sit Wonder's trot I have to sit trot more like Edward Gal on him or I can't sit it. There is WAY WAY too much back motion. You have to have a rotating pelvis, else it is impossible to sit. I tried starting him in the saddle but it made him SO tense and canter left was impossible in the saddle. He kept bolting off, so I took it off and rode bareback. He was really funny about some things. I really think the saddle is causing him pain. The fit itself isnt bad but I wonder if I need to just get him a treeless saddle because I think the tree itself is blocking his back. Half pass right he was funny about and really wanting to not accept the right leg into the half pass. Riding in the saddle first made him really funny about some things and I really had to tweak my position and try to re-figure the buttons for Wonder. 












People can say what they want about Gal but no denying he's a phenomenally talented and skilled rider. I really like this stallion.





Here you can see Gal's rotating trot seat


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## gottatrot

I use that trot seat too, and use a similar method in two point to stay more with the horse when doing a big extended trot. To me it feels kind of like making the motion of riding a bike with your hips. 

What I've told myself about challenging horses is that they'll get old someday, LOL. I've thought, maybe in their 20s they'll settle down a bit.


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## Tihannah

Have you ever tried using a rope halter on him? When North was still on alfalfa and losing his mind a bit, I found it MUCH easier to handle him in a rope halter as opposed to a regular halter or even a bridle. There was a time when I lunged him that even in the bridle, he could get strong and pull back or refuse on the ground. One day, I decided to keep his rope halter on under the bridle and hook the lunge rope to it. He tried his stunt of cantering and yanking back and it took but a few good tugs to correct him and that was it. The pressure points on a rope halter leave little room from argument.

Same at the show. North was baby rearing, kicking out, trying to pull away and canter around me. We switched him from a regular halter to a rope halter and from then it was just a little feet stomping. That was it. Something to consider.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- Thank you. I know you work with hot, intense horses who NEED a job and purpose so you understand. It's nice to have someone who understand these sort of horses too. I hope youre right. I have this crazy dream of someday in the far out future driving Wonder down a country road and him just being happy as can be with lots of white around his muzzle :lol:

I think people who ride a lot of bareback and have ridden uncomfortable horses figure that out. I have another friend who does it too and she's ridden a lot of arabs and bareback. Everyone else I know doesn't really sit that way. But I get that analogy. I think it feels kinda like rocking a barrel between your legs but like it's a sliding rotation? IDK the canter to me feels like hula hooping :lol:

Tina- Thank you for the suggestion. I've used a rope halter on him and I use it when we do ground work but outside he just runs through it. He doesn't care about the pressure points. I've done quite a few exercises with him, when he wants loose, he's gone. I can keep him a few times and I dont know what he does but he's gone. I havent had a horse that can get away like he can. I've had some tricky ones but not like him, I've never met someone who could keep hold of him when he wants loose. A friend of mine who was a stallion handler and raised quite a few babies tried and she was like yep he's a f!cker, a cowboy in the US tried, David tried who was an international groom, worked in Germany as a handler and working student, worked the stallion shows, etc tried. My trainer in the US tried. Natural horsemanship trainer tried. *Shrugs*
Ex: here he got loose leading to the arena, he just tore off and I couldn't keep him.





Not been having a great week. Super duper stressed out and anxious, I cant keep food down. Last few days I've had a hard time getting out of bed at all. I've set a timer to MAKE myself get out of bed. But Sunday, I couldnt get out of bed until past noon. I had no energy and was quite depressed and down. My emotions are everywhere and it's not normal for me. Definitely wont be able to afford lessons or anything saddle related for a while. Extra bills came up I was not expecting :-( cost of living is HIGH here. Lots of surprises. Forget savings. Been quite emotional lately. Weird for me but too much emotion and I cant control it.

Monday morning

Wonder was full of it, we long lined. I made him walk and wouldn't let him bolt so he proceeded to back up the entire arena wall because he didnt want to walk, he wanted to bolt out the arena. So I sent him forward and he tried to bolt out the door and I wouldn't let him so we had a pretty intense session. I couldnt get him to WALK for an hour, so we worked. He tried everything he could to take control of the situation. Leaping in the air, bolting, not accepting contact, etc. He doesn't like to accept direction and he will test absolutely everything he can before he submits or accepts it. With a horse like him it's about earning his respect and getting him to submit his body and mind to a rider or handler, else he calls the shots. And if he's allowed to call something small it quickly escalates to bolting and no steering. The Danes have handled and worked with him, so they know how he is. When I was walking him into the stable after lunging and he was trying to passage and leap in the air, they were like and he's still like this after all that? And I said yeah, he doesn't get tired. Anyone whose worked with him gets it, he doesn't ride anything like he looks. I know because that's the comment I get from every rider whose been on him. That wasnt what I expected. Only one person besides myself have I ever seen be able to ride Wonder on the bit and that was my US trainer. He doesnt give you anything for free.

Tuesday

Lunged before I rode and he was actually quite good. I had to really draw a line in the sand a few times but that's how it is. He tested quite a few times but kept him. Had a manure truck making alot of noise in the background, Wonder saw and didn't care about it. Canter work was pretty good. Half pass right was really good. Half steps and piaffe work is better. Canter left was like a proper horse. Canter right was quite nice but we were outside so nothing outside of circles. He hasn't earned the right to go around the ring yet because then he runs off. Im trying to break the habit altogether, never had one this tough to break the habit on. Overall though I'd say he was really good and much more relaxed and obedient, less testy. On the ground he was very crabby and tried to bite people as they walked by and got smacked then knocked it off. 

Every trainer I've talked to who has worked with him and with me when I asked for advice or ideas was like good luck, keep at it...thanks that was helpful. Basically a pat on the back and he looks good, keep at it. But what about the bolting? and pulling away? Just keep at it, keep centered, grab something, dont let him. Use your circles, bending lines and exercises. Thanks...or maybe try depo (female hormone). 

Working with Wonder is like working with a stallion, he needs strict lines and is going to try EVERYTHING to test for dominance and avoid submitting his body before he finally does. This is organizing a VERY powerful horse, it's not like sitting on a baby or sitting on something light without power. You CANT float the reins to him or he will not steer. You hold a steady rein connection and do nothing "wrong" and he will pull the sh!t out of your arms and body. He doesnt do it it because it hurts or he's tired, he does it to test control. You CANT let him make decisions or it become a gradual process of Wonder calling the shots. Ive put quite a few different people on this horse including people who have shown FEI on non purpose bred, hot horse that they made. But the thing is it's not how hot Wonder is that makes him difficult. If it was just heat, it'd be a piece of cake but it's not. It is his intensity, strength and force of mind. 

The only person besides myself I've ever seen have Wonder on the bit or have any kind of relaxation is my trainer back home and she told me after she worked with him for 3wks while I was in DK that there was no way in hell we were going to find someone who could ride this horse. He is not going to change. He is not an amateur horse and I owe it to Wonder to take him with me. We had spent many lessons trying to make him amateur friendly and doing different exercises that would be simple for amateurs that simply DOESNT work with Wonder. The rider backs off and Wonder is in the driver's seat. You HAVE to proactively ride him and pay attention or you will lose steering and he will bolt. Absolute focus is necessary and my trainer said the problem is he's so strong and so determined, you have to be strong enough to brace against him to get him to half halt and not run off but at the same time have to be so quick to soften but not too much or he will fight with everything he has and he WILL win. He is entirely aware of how to use his strength and body against the rider to contort their position and take control. That's what has to be addressed EVERY SINGLE RIDE. You cant just relax. If someone hasn't worked with a horse like this, they're not going to understand. It's not pain, it's not that Wonder is overwhelmed or stressed, it's that when he sees an opportunity and he takes it. This was a winning race horse, how you win is seeing the opportunity, taking initiative and taking it.

Want to know why exercises like half pass are necessary? It's about him learning to submit and accept direction from a rider. This is not an emotionally sensitive horse who needs reassurance, this is not a baby or green horse who needs hand holding and coddling, this is a high strung, intense, serious athlete whose had a career as a racehorse. It takes a split second for him to totally take control. Half steps help to get him reactive to the seat and back off the bridle and accept direction. It is about obedience and acceptance. 

If you go to a serious upper level dressage stable a 4yr old is schooling 2nd level, 5yr old 3rd a 6yr old 4th-PSG and ready to show PSG but schooling the GP by 7 to show the GP by 8 or 9. You go to a serious dressage stable they teach piaffe in hand before the horse is even broke or some stables at 2nd level, it's not a real 2nd level horse if it's not at least able to do half steps. At 3rd they should have a confirmed piaffe and passage. If they dont the horse isn't considered "trained." When you start the piaffe a lot of the times you use a lateral with a half halt to compress the horse and bring them more and more under with their hind leg and stepping over so you dont lose engagement. Why is it important to do with Wonder because he needs to accept direction and submit his body, he needs to not call the shots. This isnt a baby horse who needs coddling and warm kisses and to basically work into a connection and follow the rider's position and gently accept direction. This is an adult horse who was kept a stallion for a number of years, who was on a race track for 5 years and is coming 9yrs old. This is a horse who likes to call the shots and make decisions, something that helps a racehorse but not a dressage horse. What we are addressing is obedience which IS necessary for safety. Get on this horse, drop the reins and try to just play around and I guarantee someone will get hurt. He will chase down other horses if you let him. This is why he HAS to toe the line and you can't just do relax rides, you have to work in order to get him cooperative enough to relax. 

People dont get the purpose of teaching exercises like half steps and piaffe or half pass. It's teaching the horse to accept direction and accept a rider. The half pass isnt about showing what a horse can do, it's a purposeful exercise. For us our barely broke babies are expected to leg yield, shoulder fore, haunches fore, turn on the forehand and turn on the haunches before they're considered broke on top of basic walk, trot, and canter. Want to know where the beginning of collection is and the feel? It's in the turn on the forehand. Inside leg to outside rein is the basis of collection and march the hind legs under while drawing the back up into the pelvis and encouraging the lowering of the croup and engagement of the hind quarters.

A horse who is aiming for the FEI levels has to be able to cope with pressure. It means asking for things and not necessarily expecting them to do it like a trained horse but to give them an idea. Then you do the supplementary exercises to enforce understanding help gain strength. If you dont ask, you will never get or build. It also means keeping the contact even when they pull the snot out of your arms and body and staying with it. 

Also not trying to sound too intense or angry or any of those emotions, just a bit defeated atm. Not really at Wonder. I love him, he is a really good horse. There are so many wonderful things about him. He is so sweet and so kind. Thing with the BF are good. Just overwhelmed with so much going on and to do and my emotions all over the place. I can keep them tapped down and in balance with Wonder but on my own the overthinking and IDK. Life I guess.

5yr old Valegro





Adult





Also a big difference between a 
My favorite Queen Song "39" sung by Brian May





"No One but You" also sung by Brian May about the loss of Freddy Mercury





"Let Me Live"





"Dont Try So Hard"


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## PoptartShop

Tihannah said:


> Have you ever tried using a rope halter on him? When North was still on alfalfa and losing his mind a bit, I found it MUCH easier to handle him in a rope halter as opposed to a regular halter or even a bridle. There was a time when I lunged him that even in the bridle, he could get strong and pull back or refuse on the ground. One day, I decided to keep his rope halter on under the bridle and hook the lunge rope to it. He tried his stunt of cantering and yanking back and it took but a few good tugs to correct him and that was it. The pressure points on a rope halter leave little room from argument.
> 
> Same at the show. North was baby rearing, kicking out, trying to pull away and canter around me. We switched him from a regular halter to a rope halter and from then it was just a little feet stomping. That was it. Something to consider.


THIS. I swear by my rope halter. They give you way more control than a regular halter, & you don't risk pulling on their mouths either like you would if you try to use the bridle.

When Promise used to try to get in my space, I'd use that and it worked instantly. Just a few good tugs, lets them know you mean business. In a regular halter you can't do that. It's a good reminder for them.

I use mine daily as my regular halter, just in case I do need to have more control. I love it. I never use a regular halter anymore unless she is in cross-ties of course.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Allison- Thank you. I like the rope halter. I think they're a great tool, I just wish it worked for Wonder. He doesnt really respect it. In the arena, I can do a series of exercises and sessions with him. More Warrick Schiller or TNT method with him and he's good, he knows it and reacts appropriately and responds well to body language but then when he wants to go, he just goes. 

The bridle doesn't seem to work. The only thing I've found that works when I take him on walks outside is the lip chain. He just pulls through everything else. I cant explain how he does it, he just does. I handled 3yr old stud colts barely handled that were easier to keep than Wonder. I've had stallions who were nasty and you had to watch and get after the moment you saw that look in their eye or they were coming at you with teeth and hooves. And had to make them toe the line, not even a hair out of place or it was dangerous. And that sucker never got away. Wonder isnt mean he would NEVER EVER come at me with teeth or hooves but when he wants to go, he just goes. I can keep a few rounds but then he's just gone. I dont know of anyone whose been able to keep him when he wants to go. Better horseman and handlers than me have lost him.


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## gottatrot

About the emotions...you're in a kind of new relationship too, right? Sometimes that can make a person more emotional than usual.

My friend had a mare that could always get away like Wonder. Any kind of halter, bridle, it didn't matter if she wanted to go. Thankfully she didn't want to get away very often. But if she did, she knew exactly how to do it. She'd keep the pressure on steadily so the rope would come through your hand so fast it was burning and you couldn't hold onto it. It's a reflex, so your hand can't hold if it is getting burned. If you happened to have gloves on, she would rear suddenly so it ripped away with more force, and then you still couldn't keep it. If you did hold on she'd bolt so you let go or fell trying to run that fast. She'd do it on occasion even into her late 20s.

That's a very tricky thing. My gelding can be very nutty on his lead, rearing and bucking but even if he gallops off at the end of a lead, he'll turn to the pressure enough that he doesn't get away, even if he keeps galloping and pulling on you. It's just a different mentality, and about what the horse is determined to do.


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## SueC

Bwahaha! :rofl: Excuse me for being naughty, but after reading all that about how Wonder likes to break away, I wonder if this is the Queen song for him? :Angel:


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- that could be too. And he's in Asia for about a month (I still hear from him everyday, throughout the day sporadically) but I told him if he needs to shut off to the world for a few days and immerse himself in the experience to just let me know. He said no, that was what he did last year. But it's sweet, he's in Burma atm so all the horses he sees he sends me pictures and video of them and says thinking of you and Wonder. He said he's very excited to have discovered a love for horses because he didnt realize how passionate they are or how strong the bond could be. He's very fond of Wonder and vice versa. Could be depression sinking in too. I need new medication. I wasnt able to get out of bed until 11 today, I tried at 7 and felt so light headed and feverish. This happens in depression sometimes sadly.

That sounds like Wonder! It's incredible what horses can do when they put their mind to it. Wonder usually just uses pure power and force but yes! Exactly! It makes you really appreciate how strong and powerful the horse is. Wonder has drug me at a walk before because he didn't want to go over cavaletti. He was very polite about it. We were walking to the cavaletti and he stopped and said no, I tried to make him walk and he just walked to the rail and there was nothing I could do. I was laughing and simply shocked. He was very cavalier and chill about it. Like not what I want to do, so here we are. We got to the rail and he was back to walking with me. There was no stress or anxiousness in him, just I dont want to do that so I'm doing this you can come with me or be dragged. I laughed so hard, I've never been dragged by a horse like that. I couldn't stop him.

That's good your boy doesn't break loose! I'd say most of the ones I've known dont and dont want to. Some also just dont have that sheer power or force of will. I think Wonder's power is how he's able to do it. I've never encountered anything like it. 

SueC- **** that too! I was going for I want it All for Wonder. He's a real show off, if he has an audience and he knows they're looking at him, he really puffs up and puts on a show.

Wednesday
We did in hand work and so he basically had a day off. Wonder doesnt like real days off, he wants to use his brain and THINK about something. He wants to DO something. We can't hack atm so we try to keep balance in other ways. Lot of him following my body language, changing direction and going to where I point. Setting up some obstacles to try in hand and objects to point him to. Miguel wants to buy him a rubber chicken to play with. Some days we long line, some days we lunge, some days we ride and some days we play in hand and do ground work. He's a fantastic horse. He's a little crazy and overzealous but awesome horse. So focused, very intense and so eager and willing. He wants to do it all. He'll question and challenge you but when he gets it he's like I GOT IT.

Here is the thing about dressage, it is HARD work. I think it is one of the most muscularly demanding sports on a horse. It is hard and I think its sad how people fail to put things into perspective or understand that HELLO developing horses is hard work in any discipline. You have brilliant moments and ugly moments, you have moments that I think are very typical in the training that other people think is bad or unfair because they dont know. Horses ask questions, they question, it isn't perfectly harmonious every step of the way. I promise even in Carl and Charlotte's yard they have ugly moments. Go to any yard and you'll see it, they just dont show it because the internet goes up in hysterics about things they KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. People who arent really trainers and havent really seen the ups and downs in producing upper level horses go up in hysterics of how they "THINK" it should go. For example sometimes in getting them rounder and rounder in the back or in the laterals they do get a touch behind the vertical, you correct it and put them out but it happens. I am quite light in the hand here, if you felt the contact you'd feel it is in my thumb and index finger. That is WHY we do the half steps, to get him lighter in the contact, on a horse that is strong and powerful and INTENSE, I find collected work gets more lightness, relaxation and less heat in them. I think he goes much better in the double than the snaffle. In the snaffle he tends to curl, in the double I dont feel he curls but the double is a different bradoon than the snaffle. People can't see the giving in the fingers when you're going around.

With a horse like this you work in collection and laterals for the suppleness, if you do too much forward work he gets running, on the forehand and taking over. The collection keeps his brain busy. Collection is WAY easier on a high energy, hot horse than a lazy one. A lazy one I do a lot more work in mediums and less collected work because it takes a lot to juice up the lazy horse who shuts down in collection. Vs Wonder we are avoiding medium until he is strong to maintain the collection and not get too enthusiastic. He LOVES to medium and extend but then he takes over. You have to adjust your program to fit the horse, not your ideology. It is not a linear path or the same formula for every horse. You have to be flexible.

Reality is when you develop a horse and when they're learning to come over the back and raise the frame and sit they do sometimes come behind. That is normal. But I think people who haven't really been at a serious training barn where people are seriously going to compete in the FEI and CDI levels dont see what goes on behind the scenes and they dont see the process of development or know the stages horses go through. Of course we dont want them to stay behind but we want them through and to come up. Reason I back off of changed on Wonder is to focus on some others things and truthfully I WANT a saddle with him and changes because he lands and wants to rip off vs a saddle would offer me the support to keep him in rhythm and WITH ME. This horse anticipates like you wouldn't believe, so you have to use his playfulness in training and at the same time be like okay but listen to me, dont take over. And draw a very CLEAR line in the sand. That is why Wonder is a professional only type of horse, there is nothing mean in him. He's just intense. And truthfully when he's like he was today there is no horse I'd rather sit on in the world. I dont think he is too much horse, I think he's the right amount of horse just have to direct all that energy and enthusiasm into something. He loves his job, one thing that makes it SO different with this horse is when he has it he is so eager and enthusiastic to do it, it's unreal. He LOVES the challenge. He needs direction.














Wonder long and low June. He does it better now, if I had a saddle for him to do it in. Need a saddle soon. Dangerous to post Wonder bareback.





I'll be honest sometimes it really p!sses me off how disrespectful people are (youtube/fb comments on top riders like Patrick Kittel, etc). I absolutely made a horrible mistakes of reading comments of top riders on youtube. It made me want to bang my head into a wall of how people with minimal experience and have shown to maybe 2nd level think they know how to train a GP horse *head desk* they dont know anything about developing collection but think they do. Ever watch a GP? Most horses in collection DO NOT track up. That doesn't mean they're not over the back or engaged. The ENGAGEMENT of the hind quarters not where the foot it. Horses connected to the bit tend to curl when they fall on the forehand, sit the croup down so the shoulder and neck can come up *head desk* I never write anything though. It falls on deaf ears and simple fact is people always think they know it all and have no respect for experience or knowledge. And it's like okay have fun chasing circles for the next 10yrs. If you have a low level outlook and carry it across to upper level horses you wont know what youre looking at. Or a canter pirouette, it is SUPPOSED to be a 4-beat, not a 3-beat. That show's the DEGREE of collection. A pirouette canter is a 4 beat. Yes even Valegro gets behind the vertical sometimes, I promise they have worked very very hard to get him strong enough to stay through and active and collected and up. That's reality. That is training.






Also roll my eyes hard when I read such stupid comments on top riders developing horses with that horse isnt ready for piaffe/passage (on Charlotte Dujardin on a horse) or talking about things they clearly know nothing about. The first time you ask and when you start a horse on it, it's not effortless and easy. You don't start with height or expression, he1l go to the wold cup there are horses there who barely pick up their legs or sit under in piaffe. Or that if you are gearing a horse for the upper levels you DO NOT just ride big and flashy all the time, you ONLY do that to show off the horse's gaits to prospective buyers or investors or to show off. That's what I call auction paces and you ride differently, more saddleseat like for that (super easy on something with natural suppleness). But again arm chair experts who've maybe developed a horse or two to 2nd level and think they know everything about training horses and how to progress up the levels *eye roll* definitely a reason when I ask for help with Wonder. I ask people who have developed horses and know what they're looking at and how to improve it. Problem is most people have never really seen or been apart of developing a horse up the levels. I am lucky to have been at an olympic stable and watched the process, I'm lucky to have been to Blue Hors and seen the training, to have worked with international riders/trainers and CDI judges. I'm glad to have ridden GP horses and one who was an alternate for the olympics, I'm glad to have trained in Germany and Denmark. I'm glad to have discussions one on one with the clinicans and to have had their help in developing an eye for horses and riding and HOW to improve things like the half pass, half steps, medium paces, collection, etc. YOU DONT START with expression, you start with basics and build them into understanding and you TAKE RISKS. BIG lecture from Muray on me, he said you're riding too perfect, it's boring and how do you expect to progress? TAKE RISKS that is what this is all about, you're too good to play it safe and boring, show me something! TAKE RISKS, let your horse fail, dont micromange. Let her fail and she will get better. If you dont take risks you wont progress. That was with Frankie and we had a chat about Wonder (Wonder was too weak for the clinic). The girl I had riding him was a heck of a rider, schooling 3rd level-eventing training level on a difficult, quirky horse and I guess Wonder was too much. So she didnt ride him very much. I dont know the whole story there but she's a good person, Wonder was just too much horse. 

But Muray said of the two horses if I wanted to get great marks and hear how great of a rider/trainer I am to keep Frankie but if Im serious about the GP and producing a GP horse keep Wonder. He was really straight forward and blunt, I wish I could train with him here. He's the best trainer I've ever had. I almost considered going to the UK JUST to train with him.

I've never seen a thoroughbred with more power or ability to collect than Wonder. I've seen a lot of thoroughbreds online and ridden quite a lot, especially on the west coast as an eventer. He's a kind of mover the Danes appreciate but Americans dont really like power movers. I think because they are a lot harder to organize and it takes a lot more time and work to see their true ability and movement. So people who dont have an eye can't see the potential or ability because they move plain. Valegro falls into that category as well. People want to see it all now, I think why breeders breed such a huge movers that look phenomenal but cant collect and wont make it to the GP. Most horses cant, plenty can do PSG, few can do the GP. In US most everyone except for Muray (BHSI trainer,former international rider) and my trainer were like Frankie moves better but she can't collect like Wonder. They like wispy movers who can't really collect. Mago xx can sit like no thoroughbred I've ever seen. 

Hingstelisten


Here is a PRE I developed and trained 4-5 months broke. Aged 8.






3yr old morgan I developed





Frankie. I broke and developed her.

Trotting Frankie first time off of the lungeline










3mo broke





Age 4





Saturday. Broke at 6, few months of training. He was good for a long while 





Very green tb mare I tried Dec 2014









Hilda Gurney on Keen
https://practicalhorsemanmag.com/lifestyle/keen-salute-american-thoroughbred-30745

We are also trying a different feed program with him, he is getting low starch/sugar feed but he eats a LOT of food or he doesnt keep weight. So trying and was suggested a soy-free diet which is VERY hard to find in DK. He looks really healthy, his coat is gleaming and his muscular development is really good. Talked to a lady at the barn and said if he is getting too much iron, he may not be able to absorb the magnesium he is getting and that the Danish hay lacks certain vitamins and minerals. So to look into Danish feeds that are made for the soil. She was like I think it is just Wonder's nature and temper that he's so spirited but never hurts to try.

Wonder kisses


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## DanteDressageNerd

Also want to clarify I dont judge for "where" people are in their riding or by their discipline, I think everyone matters for this sport and it doesn't matter whether or not someone wants to ride at the GP or PSG, training level or whatever their goal is.EVERY SINGLE PERSON MATTERS and their dreams matter. Or if someone wants to have a happy horse on a trail ride or whatever the goal is. EVERYBODY matters. No matter how simple it may seem, everybody matters. My rant is because I think it also really important that we make an effort to have basic respect and understanding for one another. And not simply be petty or unfair, that REALLY fires me up about the horse world. I truly believe we can learn a lot from trying different disciplines and I think the journey and enjoying the horse is the most important part. I think horses bring a lot of passions out in people and there is nothing wrong with that but I also think it is very important to take a step back and be fair, as well as objective. I've been told that is a very Danish thing about my character, I believe in fairness and justice and it angers me when people are petty. I know I'm not perfect and I'm alright with that but I will fight for justice and what is fair. That said I dont bother to comment on facebook or youtube because it falls on deaf ears and quite frankly the people making rude comments aren't worth it but it gives me an idea how people think and how sad it is that people can't be more encouraging to one another. This sport is hard enough without people being petty or at each others throats. I just dont get it, I dont see that in Denmark as much. But US I dont understand the pettiness.

For example Patrick Kittel is the one who had the "blue tongue" video but everything I have ever heard or see of him is how well he treats his horses and how kind and fair a rider he is. 

Patrick Kittel





People have such an unrealistic idea of perfection and sadly havent ridden a variety enough of horses or been through enough horses to understand some horses aren't born with suppleness, some are tense and have no idea how much it takes to get any kind of relaxation in that horse. Because I guarentee the people saying ugh not enough relaxation would probably get seriously hurt on a horse like this. Is it perfect? No but I admire how much more relaxation and suppleness has been put into this horse with good training. Can people not see how hot and naturally tense this horse is?

Charlotte Dujardin


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## DanteDressageNerd

Glædelig jul fra Danmark!! Merry Christmas Everyone!!

I will not be on very much because my finals are coming up early January and that is first priority. I also have the attention span of mouse navigating through a maize looking for cheese.






Friday
Wonder had Friday off, I didnt see him but went grain hunting and researching. Stayed home to study.

Saturday

Bought another bag of krafft performance low starch and dengie healthy tummy. Wonder does well on alfalfa, so I'm keeping him on alfalfa. However he does not get along with oats and trying to cut out soy and see if that makes a difference. He LOVES the healthy tummy, he smelled it and just gobbled it right up. Running out of the havens gastro, so I want to replace it with dengie healthy tummy, I tried a Danish product but it has soy (low starch/sugar) and good for the tummy but trying for less fillers. The price is similar but I'm hoping it lasts longer. Atm I go through 60kgs every 2wks. So Wonder eats about 4kg of grain per day. He also gets a lot haylage and hay.
https://www.dengie.com/horse-feeds/healthy-range/healthy-tummy/
https://www.krafft.nu/en/products/products-all/performance-low-starch/

He loves drinking water from the hose





We lunged. I didn't really make him stay slow, it was more just move out. He has HUGE, powerful paces but right now he isn't strong enough to organize them (when he gets irregular, it's because he doesn't have the strength to organize the amount of movement) and I promise he's not ready to maintain that size of pace with a rider on his back. With a rider for an extended trot, it needs to be much more collected and elevated than this as well. He is also insanely bouncy. 

To put it into perspective, a friend back home rode him. She has her bronze medal, is quite a good rider, ridden a lot of youngsters, her own horse is a large elastic mover. When she was on him I said he's not even at a working trot yet and she was like omg I'm already getting bounced out of the saddle, I can't post more trot than this! And I said I know. He REALLY uses his back, I've been bounced out at posting trot in the long and low because his back moves SO much (also why I dont want a saddle with a tree). And no he doesn't track up, doesnt mean he's not engaged from behind or isnt reaching through. Just how he moves, he naturally moves in collection and is quite uphill. He's very animated, lots of hock and knee action, quite a bit of shoulder movement. But that's the thing a lot of GP horses and prospects dont track up. A horse that is going to be successful at 1st-2nd isnt necessarily going to be successful at the PSG and what is successful at the PSG may not make it to the GP. There is a reason GP horses are usually "plainer" movers than what you see in the PSG or young horse classes. I also prefer power movers vs elastic or wispy movers. I like a power type like a Valegro. 

Then we did in hand and just helping him relax a bit of me handling him from the right, we have worked quite a lot on that but it's something that is slowly coming around. We've worked on it over a year, he's MUCH MUCH better but he's still funny about it. Can lead fine but in hand he gets really nervous when I ask him to push his body and shoulder over and come around me. Have to be VERY patient. He gets nervous and rears if not mindful and gentle about it. He's VERY VERY sensitive to body language and energy, so always have to be mindful when working with him. And very clear in your mental projection or he either gets anxious and tries to outwork you or he gets really nervous.

I do a LOT of extra work in my legs, back, chest, and core to be able to ride this horse. It takes a lot of strength to stay stable, especially because he'll rip on me if Im not in my box and making him stay in his. In regards to contact, I think of it as this is my dance space and that is your dance space. I dont pull on you, you dont pull on me. When you pull on me my contact wont move and you'll fight yourself because you're disrespecting my dance space, same as I avoid pulling on him because that is disrespecting his dance space but then when he bolts, the rules go out the window and just have to aim for a wall and pray. He's gotten a lot better about it though. I didnt have to run him into a wall this week.

A lot of GP and upper level horses do not track up, I think because they engage their hind end and hocks up and down vs swooping through with their hind leg. When I look at a horse, I dont look at how flashy or pretty their gaits are. I look at their mechanics. I've known a few trainers who've even competed at the CDIs and have a sh!t eye for horses. Would always pick these big, flashy movers who on the ground are amazing but I knew they werent going to collect from their stifle and how the horse moved. And was actually annoyed when people would go ooh and aww over a horse because people look at what is there now and I look at what the horse could be. I saw the same horse and kept it to myself but discussed it with my trainer and we agreed that horse will never stay sound up the levels and doesnt have the capacity for collection. Horse is 6 now and struggles to stay sound, moves poorly when compared to peers. Some can move quite extravagant without weight on their back and poor with a rider. Depends on mechanics and HOW they move. I also find the wispy, airy, floaty movers tend to move very plainly as they progress and are harder to keep sound while the plain horses move much better as they progress and are less to keep sound. Which was why I tended to ask people like my trainer in the US or Muray or the CDI judge what they looked for in a prospect. How to evaluate a horse and talked to sport horse vets about what stays sound and what to look for in terms of longevity and signs of certain issues or things that will become an issue.

I also did a lot of rehab for a few years, I worked with countless sport horses recovering from injuries and made them sound working alongside a vet and what work keeps what sound and what to do to help them. It was something I was very proud of because it made a difference in the horse's quality of life. Leo was one I rehabbed. Someone else tried to rehab him twice and he didnt stay sound, I rehabbed him and he's been going since. You approach a horse a bit differently depending on what the issue is, some things you just have to work through and build strength ex stifles (depending on the issue). Some things you have to ride a horse more on the forehand (say from hind end injury), so avoid collection and minimal laterals. Or some you want to get them off the forehand as much as possible (Front end injury). It really depends. You also learn different tricks in your riding when you ride a mechanically "lame" horse. If a horse is mechanically lame they move short in a limb due to scar tissue, not lameness. And could make quite a few horses look almost dressage sound. A horse who had shortness in 3 legs was able to go to a show with a novice rider  That horse was such a workaholic and though "lame" HAD to work, vets orders because he'd be more lame if he sat in his box or received just turnout. I felt bad for that horse because he was a real workaholic. Another rehab horse had severe EPM and wasnt treated until he was falling down. Took about a year to totally fix him because it was getting him strong and coordinated, he was really bad when we started. He could barely move his hind legs through and forward. He was so uncoordinated with them and after a year he looked 100% normal. You couldn't tell. I think the dressage work was really good for him, he was an ottb. Very sweet. There have been a few but those ones were my favorites.

For myself I like a very hot, powerful horse. I just like riding and working with something interesting and highly intelligent. Wonder is my ideal horse but if I were looking at a horse for someone else, I'd have a different criteria than for myself. Not everyone needs a GP or FEI prospect. For some reason a lot of people new to dressage think they want an FEI horse and I'm a little more like master training level-1st and 2nd before dreaming of an FEI horse. You dont need a horse who can take you up, you need an honest horse who has correct responses, is reliable, sound and you can enjoy riding.

One of my friends whose shown 4th level on quite a tricky mare who also has her "L" judge, is one of the ones I ask for ideas and advice from. She's really good about piaffe/passage stuff and for pirouettes and changes. She's familiar with Wonder and with me, so she usually has good ideas on how to make us better. And she agrees with not putting pressure, when I ask for half steps. I dont put very much pressure on him. I NEVER over organize or harass him, just half halt and sit back-soften, half halt, sit back and soften if he offers shoulder in/haunches in or other things that is okay, horses guess and that is normal. I also use a lateral to help soften his back vs him just tensing and bracing. He's very hot, almost anything turns to tension. I dont want him to get tense or bitter about the half steps or piaffe. I also dont want him to have a whip trained piaffe/passage which to me looks way too artificial and circus-like. Can get a lot of height and expression fast but the horse then doesn't really learn how to sit or correctly piaffe/passage which you usually teach sort of together. Not quite but close. 

So we're going to add some exercises right to get more flexibility and ride him straighter left. More haunches in right and really doing haunches in and shoulder in at the canter. As well as leg yield and half pass. He actually finds canter half pass easier than the trot. Those exercises will also improve his changes (haunches in really helps set up for the change). Also quarter turn pirouette on a circle to help him get the idea and to organize. I find when you show the horse the next step without pressuring it, they find a way to organize themselves as you ask. And again you dont go err do it, it's more hey I'm going to position and ask and see if you get the idea. Same with canter serpentines YOU DO NOT over manage them, it's better if you simply position and use the shape for them to figure out how to organize underneath the figure and dont let them change leads but let them figure out their balance in the pattern. Riders moderates the rhythm and connection with guidance of the figure and let the horse figure out the way. Help some with balance and be consistent and help with shape but you dont micromanage. They have to learn to organize themselves. It is uglier when you do that and it looks more awkward at first but eventually it becomes smooth and easy and all you have to do is position and it is there. I train for a horse to respond off of position and mental energy (I think the mental energy part may be why people have a hard time). 

I've ridden a few horses trained off of mental energy which to me is so nice to ride but a lot of people don't know how to project or use that and I cant explain it. I gave lessons to someone on a horse like that and tried to help her and basically tried to put her in positions to understand because it was like if you couldnt radiate the energy from your chest forward the horse wouldn't go at all and would just back. Wonder is similar in that respect, if you cant organize your mental energy he wont ride at all for that person. Also in training if I have to micromanage through every movement how the he!l am I ever going to make it through a GP test? So I let it be ugly, I still organize rhythm and help a bit with balance but have to let the horse figure it out and have faith in the process. Biggest thing Murray and Nancy taught me. 






Few examples of top level GP horses under my favorite riders

















This is the complete video. When he gets upset, a pony mare came in and he DOES respond to mares and can be quite stallion-like about it, so I try to nip it in the bud every time. Part of it was he was getting tired and the other part is he was wanting to do everything at once. He was so eager and stressing himself because he is like I CAN DO IT, I CAN, I CAN and that is when you have to say okay now relax. We're done. He LOVES his job and he LOVES the work but he is super easy to over stimulate and he gets carried away which is where I have to say okay just relax, it's okay. That is where he needs reassurance and to be reminded to "take a breath." Also why I try to give one rein completely and then the other, a lot of time when he is THAT nervous it helps him. Other times it just makes him more tense. This ride was actually about half an hour long. It was not a long ride at all. Half pass right he was funny about, I felt he knew what I was asking but think we're going to practice more haunches in right and really rounding. Each horse has a way they're more flexible and therefore ridden straighter and the otherside they feel stiff. Wonder is over flexible left and stiff right. So getting the suppleness is the trick and pushing off that left hind into the right rein. He hates that, I think it is coordination. It's not pain but like when you try to write with your left hand, a bit frustrating and you'd rather not do it because it is awkward.
5:37 is where he gets upset. It felt like he was trying to do everything at once and he wasn't listening to me. He overthinks and that is where it's time to say okay relax and we're done.





Sunday

We lunged and took some pictures outside. Then went in and rode him for about 20min. He was really good. We rode in the double, I like him much better in the double and he seems so much happier and more relaxed in it. I will say I also do a MASSIVE eye roll when people online go OMG a GP horse in a snaffle, shows way better training than ridden in a double. And I'm like well that comment is from someone with either no or barely any experience with a double bridle. It's a refinement tool, not a magical thing that fixes problems or covers them up but people need to be educated with their fingers before using one. It's a lot of subtle communication with a lot of advantages but can do a lot of damage in the wrong hands. People woefully misunderstand the double bridle. I'm happy to talk about it but most of the time people just assume what they assume without riding in one. I dont like seeing them on a young horse or to cover up an issue but it's a very good tool. I think it helps a lot with communication and it a nice refining tool. I feel like our communication is clearer. I also think it's helped him understand the snaffle better. Wonder is a lot lighter in the double and doesn't curl, much easier to help him lift his poll and encourages him to sit up. The snaffle he tends to curl. And people see that and think you need lighter hands and I'm like that's not the issue. It's that it's harder to keep up in the neck and low in the croup, so they curl when they're tired. He doesn't do it bad, I correct it but it happens. Watch almost any GP horse you'll see it. DOESNT mean the rider is being too strong in the bridle.

Anyways rode for a bit really emphasized straightness through the right shoulder, right rein and the right half pass. Need to ride a lot more right, it is definitely a coordination thing for him. So it's accepting the right leg and bending around and accepting the right rein while pushing off that left hind leg. So to ride it on him I need inside leg at "girth" outside leg slightly back and it goes on when his left hind foot is up and then off and on to ask over, while I keep my right rein constant. Slight more weight in my left seat bone than my right, if I lift off of the right seat bone that helps him. It's hard to explain because it is a feeling like you know how it should feel and know the horse, so they tell you what is missing. Half steps were much better, he's getting it better day by day. Did quite a bit of haunches in right and walk pirouettes (haunches in into a pivot but THEY DO NOT set their foot, must always move forward) both directions really helped him and getting him to come up more in the neck and sit more in the croup. He was very nice in the contact today. I really prefer the double on him. He responds so much better to it and in general just feels more relaxed and happy with it than the snaffle. It's hard to explain. Quarter turn pirouettes in the canter made a HUGE difference with his canter, much more collected and self carrying. I'm too lazy to hold them :lol: seriously though I'm not that strong. For whatever reason it's like that sets him up to be more accepting of haunches in at the canter. I will do a quick tip, for setting a horse up to take the lead of choice, haunches fore helps. 

Canter with the running, when he is ahead of me. I'm finding if I really set my hand and ride through his temper tantrum (he tosses his head up and tries to pull the bits from me to the left) but if I set my hands, really keep my right shoulder and position (he will try to move your body and contort your position), so you can't keep him straight but if I really hold my back and core and wait it out he finally comes to me, straightens and softens and then I can soften without getting ran off with. It really hurts my core and back to do this, so ANYTIME he gets ahead. I set and hold my body as still as possible and wait. He runs more left than right and really tried to make it hard for me to keep my right rein and leg to keep him straight. Picking up left lead from walk, he tries quite a lot of evasions including try to jump to the right real quick but I know him, so he doesn't get away with that one but jeeze that boy can whip round the other way so fast if you let him. It takes literally a millisecond of not paying attention and he can whip round the other direction. He was REALLY close once but I NEVER let him. It's all about catching the right shoulder with your right leg and position. You have to have the right timing or again he calls the shots. I think this again is coordination and organization, like writing with the left hand.

Horses are not the same left to right, no horse is. Every horse has a direction they need to be ridden with more straightness and a direction they need to be ridden with more bend. They are like us, horses are right or left hooved. It is our job to make them more ambidextrous.


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## knightrider

Love the pictures! It's so impressive the way you ride such a powerful horse bareback. You are amazing and I love reading your journal.


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## egrogan

knightrider said:


> Love the pictures! It's so impressive the way you ride such a powerful horse bareback. You are amazing and I love reading your journal.


 I agree with this! I never comment here as I have absolutely nothing to offer, but I love reading your updates and watching the videos. With my very limited knowledge gleaned just from watching a lot of dressage on TV, I have the sense that the riders you post are some of the "good guys" of dressage, but it's nice to hear from someone who knows what they're talking about that their horses are being brought along properly. I _loved_ watching Sammy Davis Jr last season, and while this is totally superficial, the music she chose for him for his freestyle was so perfect for how he moved!


This probably sounds weird, but all I can think of when he's doing his trot work is a very elegant spider- it's just something about how he's all legs and moving so deliberately and with so much suspension. I found this very fun to watch


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- Thank you. I dont always know how I stay on but I think growing up riding in the woods in Oregon and Washington bareback and in a halter helped, as well as being a former event rider and riding a lot of bareback on a variety of horses. Ive ridden on the beach and in the mountains, I think riding on uneven footing helps improve a seat quite a bit.

But thank you, it's nice to hear kind words and encouragement. I really appreciate it and hope you had a very Merry Christmas with your family and four footed friends 

Egrogan- Thank you. I appreciate the kind words, I'm glad you enjoy reading. You dont have to be a dressage lover, I think we all have value and everyone knows something the other doesnt know. So everyone matters. 

They are. I know they can be rough with certain horses but in the case of one stallion I knew, I totally understand why. It's life or death with that horse. Hubertus tried to give up the ride on the stallion but they did a lot to get the stallion exposure. He's talented but he's a mean son of a b! I guess he had to ride him with a bat. He's a very fair rider. I think the ones I've posted are quite fair to their horses and I understand we all have moments where we need to be firm and it can be ugly. I've had to do that but they're fair and I dont think are too greedy and create horses who last.

I had never thought about that! But now that you mention it I can totally see it! Spider legs. He is a very elegant horse! 

I hope you also had a very Merry and joyful Christmas with your family and four footed friends too!

Monday
Tried riding Wonder in his saddle, it was awful. I got on and before I even had my foot in the stirrup he was leaping up and down in the air, bucking, bolting and rearing. NOT typical Wonder AT ALL. He has a very playful personality but it was from pain, not play. I just wanted to hack and was not possible. Will not hack him bareback, too dangerous because hacking he can go from relaxed and happy to spinning round the other direction at a dead gallop and Im not secure enough to stay on that bareback in muddy, wet footing where he could slip. I've had horses fall on me and slip to the ground, etc. Not worth it. I had to pull so hard on the bridle to make him stop at all I felt HORRIBLE because I try to avoid pulling on him at all. I've worked REALLY hard to get him to trust my hand, so to do that really upset me. I felt like I betrayed his trust. So we went inside, I rode bareback and almost cried. The connection felt like a traffic jam and I had to re-earn his trust and confidence in the bridle and for him to release his body to me. It made me realize how much Wonder trusts me, he WONT release his body or mind to a rider and let them influence him at all unless they've earned his trust and acceptance. I got the connection back to feeling like one smooth line, rather than a jumbled mess. 

The back of his legs are pretty tight, so did a little massage. Would like to do more massage on him today and hand walk him, I think he needs to take an easy and for it to be very light work. I'm pretty neurotic and know his musculature pretty well and check for small things that make a big difference. A dressage horse should because more equal left to right, not perfectly balanced but there should be more balance and relaxation in the body vs tension. The left upper side of the wither was more tense in Wonder from putting that dam! saddle on him. Worked hard to get that muscle to relax and was irritated again. More body work to come.

I was pretty stressed afterwards on the ground. Wonder picked up on it and I realize how much his confidence and self assuredness comes from me. He is SO SO SO energy sensitive and I have to be super careful with my energy or he has a nervous breakdown and gets really insecure and worried. I had to convince him the stress wasn't his fault and he tried to comfort me. Dont know how to explain it but this horse understands a lot. I'm just stressed and nervous and the studies are sending me into the land of make believe which is not my happy place. It's my personal he1l. It's like a flow of thoughts that make you unhappy or cause you pain just nudge in and no matter how hard you try to shut off the flow, they dont shut up. I'm trying burpees when the flow wont stop because it's emotionally painful. I need new medication. I was improperly diagnosed and need meds to treat what I have, not what I dont. The stress is magnifying the symptoms. Im barely eating because I cant eat when Im like this. In general I dont talk that much about it because then people try to "fix" me like Im broken. Im not working properly but have to just let it run it's course. I think we need to accept it's okay to feel negative things. We dont have to be happy all the time. I think that's the biggest myth society feeds us, it's okay if we're not happy all the time. We just have to do our best not to shut down and to keep fighting. It builds a resilient, gritty character with a lot of toughness. Miguel is aware of my sickness, he's said a few times that I can talk to him whenever Im doing bad and he'll be there for me even if all he can do is listen. I know he means it. I was very up front about everything and he has been with me as well.

Tuesday
Went out to see Wonder. Tried to hand walk him which mostly resulted in leaping in the air multiple times, bucking, rearing and trying to bolt in hand *sigh* yes he's worked many days in a row. Why he wears a stud chain and often a lip chain when handling outside. Inside is no problem but outside he's rattled, so he passaged all the way to the outdoor arena. Let him in the outdoor arena. And made him run for a while. If he doesnt let it out, he loses his marbles. Almost through my bag with the soy, so can take him off of soy soon. tried to cut back volume, already losing weight. And he wont eat all the hay he gets anyways, so pointless to give more hay. 

Tried to hand walk him in the fields, took the lip chain off to let him hand graze and he grazed for a bit, well behaved then boom galloping off across the fields. It was Christmas I just wanted to walk and let him eat grass, so chased him down. Wasn't bad to catch just had to be quiet and patient. I agree with the Danes, Wonder is very sweet but he's kinda crazy and that's okay. I am too. I love and accept him, just gonna do my best to balance his energy and intensity. It's a good horse for me because I HAVE to be totally focused and in control of myself or I cant do anything with him. He makes me have to balance but I'll also say spending time MAKING yourself balance wipes you out. As a Marine when I was trying to manage my illness without meds, I'd totally shut off that part of my brain and be 100% work oriented and no one could tell anything was wrong. I worked REALLY hard but when I came home, I was so exhausted trying to keep it together I couldn't function. I wouldn't eat and I'd just stay in bed. I was at 136-7lbs at one point which is UNHEALTHY for me. I'm 5'7 and healthy is about 140lbs, I can get down to 139 but I start looking sickly any less than that.

Did muscle work on Wonder, his hind end is quite sore. He threatened to kick me if I put any real pressure in the hind end (have to be careful with hind end, he will kick out). He's always corrected but he is quite vocal about his opinions and he never wants to hurt but to threaten. I think at some point in his life he's has some abuse, I know not from the previous owner but Wonder's had like 7 different owners? I massaged his shoulder and neck and had to be a little rough in some spots and had to watch him because he tried to bite me. He's leaning quite a bit on the front right shoulder and had a few spots in the neck and shoulder that were pretty ropey, as well as in his chest. I was shocked the saddle was on MAYBE 10min but could see where it was in the muscle. I'm SO mad, I know my saddle fitter at home could fix it but that's not possible atm. He'd need it fixed too often, that's what sucks with these dressage horses. They change so very fast. Especially as they do more and more collected work and develop like an upper level horse vs a low level horse. As they switch to upper level work they get narrower through the withers and fuller behind. I think my saddle would work if correctly fitted, just needs a lot of flocking in front and quite a bit taken out in back, and shaped properly. He needs it molded and is deceptively tricky to fit properly. 

The sky has been absolutely beautiful the last two days, I made him run because of the leaping, bucking and bolting in hand. He has a lot of pent up energy and just needs to let it out. Like a kid whose been kept in his room all day, he needs to go. I wish we could turn him out but the fields are half up to the knee and he RUNS and uses the fields hard. Plus no one can handle him. I've tried but he tests EVERYBODY as an individual. It isnt' like okay I know the rules, I be good. It's like okay, I know the rules but do you? I'm going to see if you do. 











Wednesday- I didnt go out to the barn because I woke up really sick (bipolar mixed episode). That is the most unpleasant mental health thing I've ever experienced. No details just imagine the worst of depression mixed with high irritability, anger, paranoia and delusions. I was told a few years ago I didnt have bipolar disorder but symptoms have shown that it is undeniably bipolar disorder and I desperately need new meds. I couldnt get out of bed for most of the day. I couldnt even just listen to music or watch TV, let alone study or do anything particularly functional. I could kinda answer texts but it took a lot from me. I'm really lucky to have such supportive friends, family and Miguel was really sweet. He said even with all the crazy thoughts I still really really very much so like you and the flood of thoughts arent you. Youre an amazing person. I always get scared when I open up to him that he's going to run but he doesnt. I told him Im sorry Im sick and he said you're in my thoughts and hope you feel better soon. Tried to call a Dr's office today but not open, 2nd Christmas on the 26th. I'll probably fail my exams, I'm really sick but I'll give it my best and hopefully learn something while I study. But cant really retain any of it or really process it or organize information when I'm like this. I told my parents and they're supportive, they're like get healthy, get seen, get the right meds. Im sorry you were misdiagnosed. 

I'm also upset because I look back on my life and I feel like a disaster. Like when am I going to get it together. Im too old for this. When I was 19 I met with female CEOs and high achieving women and they told my Dad to make sure I had every opportunity because I was something special and had what it took to go to the top. In the Marines the officers and my DI saw a lot of potential in me, they saw me being some kind of overachieving officer, they saw a lot of promise in me as a leader and authority figure because I earned a lot of respect and could cope under pressure and make decisions. I did a good job, i"ve given hour plus long presentations, had incredibly difficult challenges. And when I was at University, I had a few professors who thought I was brilliant and very exceptional and I've been on the dean's list and all that but it's like I couldn't cope with the pressure of people expecting so much from me. And I underachieved and failed. I'm a disappointment to my family, everyone is so successful and Im not. And now I'm really sick when I really cant afford to be sick and the schools here dont give a sh!t if I'm broken. It's my fault I didnt get treatment sooner, it's my fault I let this happen. I never want to be a burden to those around me and I want to be a good friend and a good partner to Miguel too. Cause we're going to be in each others lives for a long time to come. That I know. I hope I can get out of bed tomorrow because even now the thought of getting up makes the symptoms worse. And atm I am sufficiently numb. Im not afraid if people know, it is what it is. I used to hide it but now I'm just too tired to be ashamed. There are a lot of people struggling and I think we need to stop saying to suck it up and get it together and instead listen and help if we can. I also HATE HATE HATE it when people try to tell me who to be, how to behave or what I can and cant say. That will get a faster rise in anger and a bigger F you rebellious streak in me than almost anything.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thursday

Bit better, still not well but functional enough. So I went and saw Wonder. He was full of it after a day off but very happy to see me. He was like MOM where were you? So lunged him outside before I rode. I started out in the double but he wasnt responding well enough to it to pick up the curb, so I went inside and switched to the snaffle bridle. I think when you have a feel for the double and how it influences the horse, you can feel which one you need. He needed the lateral flexion and flexibility addressed which you can address in a double but not as well as in a snaffle and re directing the connection. The horse has to accept the bridle in entirety for the double to have any benefit, else it's just an extra rein to mess with. So went in the snaffle and picked up a whip, I think something was tight or stuck and I had to sort it out and get him true in the connection. He had the best left lead canter we've ever had and had to be careful. The GP pony was in the arena and going. He's tense like Wonder, not as hot but he has energy. So that set Wonder off a few times but he came back and I didnt have to run him into the wall! Success! We did some long, low and deep in the canter and jesus does Wonder have a HUGE canter and worked a bit on added expression and getting that jump. Note when you're introducing something you DO NOT ride for expression, you ride for understanding then accuracy. Today was to be more fun for Wonder. He has an amazing canter, the collected work has really improved the quality of his gaits, responsiveness and lightness. Figured out what was going on with the right half pass and tapped him left shoulder and he just jumped over, he was having a hard time bending right and connecting that left shoulder into it. Nothing to do with the hind leg, so then I just had to touch him with my left knee and round him that way, hard to explain. Im still figuring out how to sit his extended trot. It's HUGE and he still needs quite a bit of help to organize it, so I only do one diagnol either direction and come back. Not quite strong enough to maintain it. Some collected work, he responds really well to the whip now. If I touch him he brings his hind quarters well under like he should. When I'd touch him with the whip and he'd respond like that I'd let him out and into the walk relaxed, so he knows the correct response but doesnt get tense about it. It was warm so he sweated quite a bit and was hosed off. Did some long, low and through which to me is riding for the maximum depth of the back, rather than maximum length of stretch in the neck. And that brought a lot more swing into him and didnt fall on the forehand, able to let him out and gather him up and it was quite easy for him. I was quite impressed. Dare I saw he's becoming flexible and adjustable and starting to feel like a mid level horse. A bit strong and more adjustable in the canter with better canter half pass and leg yield, then we'll address changes again. He has a decent single change when we work on it. Much more responsive to the seat and much lighter in the bridle. So much power behind, goodness and much more regular in the trot. In walk to really get him over the back and open up his stride in the free walk I steered him in one step, steered him out one step like we were riding a mini shallow loop. Just to get an extra degree of depth in him and that got more swing.

Spoke with the girl on the GP pony a bit because her pony can be a spit fire too and we were talking about how with horses that carry tension like this it seems they dont really learn relaxation until they progress up the levels. And how collection, more advanced laterals and piaffe seem to help them learn to relax and she agreed and that it seems the horses who start with natural relaxation and suppleness dont often make the FEI levels but they do great at the low-mid levels. It was an interesting talk. She is a para-rider and looking for a new horse. 

After work, we hand walked and he was still passaging everywhere we went. So we went for a walk in the Christmas trees. He was good. Didnt try to pull loose but could tell there was no lack of energy despite the warm weather. Had a German shepherd behind the fence try to bark and threaten Wonder. Guard dog and Wonder isnt the type to run away or worry about a dog like that, he knew the dog was behind the fence and wasnt worried at all.

Friday

Wonder had some foreign admirers who were very interested in him. I showed them video of Frankie as well and they said they thought Wonder was definitely the superior horse. I agree. He's much more impressive in person and has a real presence to him, he grabs your attention and you look at him. Frankie was a better mover but I dont think she can load the hind end anywhere near like Wonder and doesnt have anywhere near his power. I think she'd have cost a small fortune to keep sound at the FEI levels because it is really demanding on a horse's body and sadly mare's often have a weaker pelvis. It takes a special horse to be able to do it. It's why a lot of horses who win the young horses classes and everyone goes ooh and aww at when they're young cant hack it past PSG. Loading the hind end loses their quality of gaits, they can't stay sound and cant cope with the pressure. For a horse to do the FEI levels they have to be able to cope with some pressure, if they can't it's not going to be a GP horse. The GP horses often carry a natural tension and have good uphill mechanics, pure rhythm and pure gaits but arent usually floaty-airy movers. There are very few horses with GP ability. 

Europeans and Americans look for very different things when evaluating a dressage horse. Americans like flashy, big paces and Europeans like power and good mechanics. It sometimes surprises me because in the US people didnt think much of Wonder and didnt like how he moved hardly at all (save my trainer and Muray). Muray said of the two if I wanted to get great scores and hear how good of a rider/trainer I am to keep Frankie but if I'm serious about the GP and producing a GP horse keep Wonder. He said I dont know at this point if he'd be CDI quality but he could be, will just see how he develops and honestly I think Wonder is CDI quality. 

For example Wonder can sit like very few horses can, even among purpose bred warmbloods. Wonder IMO has a far superior canter to Frankie.

Keep in mind it was very hot when we started Wonder, I had no idea he was as hot as he is. 
4th ride on Wonder




Wonder 1 month dressage training




Wonder 2 months dressage training





Saturday
I lunged and did muscle work on Wonder. I usually do muscle work on him 3x per week and stretch before and after our rides to help keep him sound and healthy. 

Wonder with Miguel's christmas present





I lunge like this to access Wonder's back, I cannot access and get the degree of back movement lunging without which I need to stretch the muscles over his back and to get the swing, also to help get him straight and not avoid using certain parts of his body because it is easier. I put it over the crown to put poll pressure on, rather than bit pressure. I think Wonder prefers that. I ask him to be more forward and big here. His muscle behind where a saddle would be to his SI are quite tight, so this is more about movement and stretching that particular muscle group. If it's tight your dont over work it but you do work and stretch it. If lunged without it wouldn't access that part of his back that needs stretching and movement. I compare it to building up in yoga. Helps with getting swing and movement and loosening the muscles in the spine




He needs the chiropractor I can see it this way in his pelvis, the right stifle is also his weaker one and when his pelvis is out I can see it. But cant rest him, as the vet says the stifle is like the knees, canter, jumping, cavaletti and poll work are good for it and avoiding too many small circles or laterals. I know for my right knee, if I dont stay active for a long period of time I need a cane to walk because my right knee is very bad. Also couldn't imagine handling Wonder with too much time off. He gets too bored. It's like having a mischievous and playful child





Sunday 30 Dec

Woke up sick but will be fine. Just have to be careful. Wonder needs to see the chiropractor, giving call on Monday. Need to get some things done and talk to my school about what is going on. Talked to my parents and they agree talk to the school, go get help and if I end up losing a semester. They're not mad, they just want me to be healthy. They told me they were proud of me and that made me almost cry. I dont know what I did to deserve such love but Im learning to accept it.

I miss Miguel quite a lot. But soon. I'll see him in about two weeks.

_________

8 Jan

I've started seeing a psychologist. Im still getting sick when I push my brain too hard. Still dealing with depressive and mixed tendencies but it's getting better. He doesnt think I needs meds and I hope he's right but we have a lot of hard work ahead. 

Wonder had quite a few days off, I lunged or did some in hand with him. He is a NUT if he just sits. We walked around outside and he passaged the WHOLE time. We went through the Christmas tree lot walking in hand with a lip chain. I would let him get ahead of me, so he passaged the whole time. Didn't want to walk. I was getting light headed and dizzy whenever I rode him. It's better now that I'm less stressed but I am losing the semester to mental health.

He see the chiropractor on Thursday, I tried to give him a few days off from riding this week and he was SO naughty. We ended up doing in hand and ground exercises and really had to be sharp about my timing. With him it is like handling a willful stallion, he will come at you when you correct him and he thinks it's unfair. Had to position my whip quite a bit or his out everytime he didnt want to do something was rear and threaten or if I touched him with the whip leap in the air and kick. We've done a lot of desensitization, so did that again and him letting me touch him with the whip. Stallions are usually really defensive about their head and neck being touched and will try to come at you. He rears not out of fear or misunderstanding but his attempt to take control and intimidate me. He even tried to run his shoulder into me and invade my space, NOT acceptable at all. That is the whole thing with Wonder and it isnt okay you do all the ground work and poof he's good, it's you have to address every LITTLE issue that comes up the moment it comes up and addressing those smalls issues can be ugly with him because he knows how to bully and intimidate and use his strength. He will ALWAYS try to see what he can get away with and he will test, that is his character. So as a handler you have to be really quick and skilled when he challenges or he's in control. He is so quick thinking and ridiculously smart, there is a reason especially smart horse are NOT good amateur horses at all. It's all about the shoulder and him releasing his neck and shoulder to the handler and earning his respect. I dont care if he's uncomfortable or something hurts which something probably does but that is NEVER an excuse for bad manners. I also notice it's when he's bored that he is naughty. He knows all this, it isnt as though these concepts are new or havent been addressed before *sighs* this is why he's my horse and I was told by both my trainer and the barn manager that I had to take Wonder with me or he'd end up abused or Id be really upset with what I came back to. He's so dam* clever and quick thinking, it takes a blink of an eye hesitation or wrong answer and he's in control. Really have to be a good horseman and professional for him. Not all the time, if you saw him with the farrier or in cross ties or things like that he's a perfect gentleman with a soft, kind eye whose all hugs and kisses but to be like that you have to be on top of everything. 

So I know he needs the chiropractor which is why I didnt want to ride him but I had to get on and that really helped a lot of these ground issues, it's like he needs his brain engaged and to gear himself into something or he loses his marbles. He also has stall toys and he plays with them. I take him out walking outside in the Christmas tree fields, etc to keep it interesting for him but I think he really enjoys the dressage work. I rode him last night and his back is doing much better. He isnt 100% but chiropractor comes Thursday. He was really, really good last night. He is understand the piaffe much better. We got a few true piaffe steps, so he gets that. Has not run off with me at all in a while. I think the collected work has helped a lot, he's much softer in the back and better in the bridle. I think he much prefers the double to the single. People can judge me for that but most people who have a problem with a double have limited experience with one and dont understand it. I have seen a few horses I really dont like seeing in the double yet because they haven't learned to come off the forehand or how to use a single snaffle properly yet or half halt or sit. The double isnt going to correct a horse who is falling on the forehand or lift them up and I see a lot of people use it for that, it's a refinement tool that make the communication clearer. It also doesnt give you more power against the horse, it gives you a different way of applying pressure, for Wonder I think he prefers the poll pressure to the mouth pressure. 

Also showed that I can steer Wonder with my reins held to the buckle and held only by my index finger and thumb in the walk to show he knows to follow my body for degree of bend. Really wanted to pop out the right shoulder so used my leg and knee to help him. It's a lot of slit second stuff. But he's finally feeling like a trained horse and accepting direction and responding properly.

Also had a chat with my farrier who is one of the best, we were talking about correct training and that Wonder's neck and back clearly show correct development and that is hard to find in Europe because people rely on their horses genetics and naturally being built on the bit, uphill with big elastic paces but dont really know how to train. The quality horse makes a person look good because the basics are already in born and easy is what we were discussing and how so many riders and trainer have poor basics and understanding of horses and training and that Wonder is a nice example of correct work. And that even though he doesnt have as huge a neck as some Wbs can see the correct muscle development, his underneck is soft to the base of his neck and he doesnt have a tense poll with very well developed musculature over the croup. Hard to explain, will need pictures but upper levels horses get narrower in the withers and wider and fuller about half way down their back towards the croup and over the croup. Lower level horses keep filling out in the wither area because they're pulling more on the forehand rather than pushing from behind. When the postural shift changes, so does the musculature. Like if someone sat on Wonder and can work with him and they just sit and hold their core, you will feel his croup lower and him lift in the shoulder just from a postural change in the rider and the timing of how they use their core. And when you apply your fingers to say hey come back, you can soften and now I can ask him to come back and have my reins forward in an exaggerated give position and he'll stay with my core. As a trainer, you have to trust the process and go through the rough patches and ugly stuff to get to that point. Doesnt mean he'll be that responsive and good everyday but it means we'll get more of it and build. But very flattering to hear from someone who knows their stuff (he was the Danish team farrier for years) that Wonder is a nice example of correct work. And that on a horse like Wonder who is naturally tense there isnt the same margin of error. If ridden like a wb he'd get very-very tense and tight. With quality wbs to show off their paces you fire them up and get them more forward, with Wonder it's collection that gets the swing and suppleness and you REALLY have to hold him in your core because the moment you release he's running. You never have to ask him to go forward, everything is allowing. Same in his laterals, it's position and ask. He is very light off the aids if you can communicate and channel it but if you move to "push" him over with the leg he will just push into your leg and be dead sided and inflexible. Very stallion-like that way, will respond sensitively if you ride sensitively and with a mental projection but if you ride like the aid is a cue he is dead sided and like a brick. Most horses tolerate the cue but should be ridden off the projection. It's hard to explain, it's like he responds to a rider if their radio frequency is in tune with his and if it isnt he will refuse everything. I have seen him stand in the middle of the arena and refuse to be ridden by someone before and I told the person dont pressure him or make him go forward or he will rear and flip on you. You CANT make him. And I dont how you tune a rider and horse into each other's radio other than by playing the riding ABCs of can I move your shoulders or haunches independently, how much to go forward, how much to woe, if I show you this how does the horse responds and it's like you take the very wee basics and fine tune and build on them. It's all riding is.

But very excited in canter, Wonder was able to maintain a collected canter off of my seat and a slack rein, taken a LONG time to get to that point. He's starting to feel like a made horse. We can do long and low in the canter as well and he stays with my seat, I like the long and low in the canter to get the jump and scope into the canter and you can get them really deep and over the back in quite an incredible way, then when you gather up in the canter they are more able to maintain that scope in the collection but it takes a long time to get them to both understand the collected canter and be strong enough to maintain it let alone re-introduce the scope and jump. You usually lose quality of gaits when beginning collection but then the quality of gaits improves greatly, just takes time.

My bf is coming out to see me this weekend, so I'm going to let him ride Wonder again because Wonder is finally not running off and they're really good with each other. Dont ask me how. But he's the ONLY person I've ever seen just get on Wonder and Wonder not go through his ten million evasion techniques and fights. He just walked off with him, sure took advantage but nothing mean. On the ground he handled Wonder, and Wonder reared up to test him and Miguel handled it like he'd been handling horses his whole life. We have another horse that he could ride but he isnt as schooled as Wonder and I want him to learn how to use his seat and position to steer a horse and how to use his energy to bring horses forward and core to bring a horse back. I may also put him on the lunge line for the trot. Wonder is CRAZY bouncy but Miguel used to ride motorcycles off roading, tricks, etc so his balance is very good and he has a natural seat, men always seem to take to riding much more easily than women. 

We've changed his diet so no soy and less grain, had to up the hay mix I put in his grain and bought some oil. Will probably buy some rice bran if it's not crazy expensive. The grain he's on per KG is 4% starch and sugar.


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## DanteDressageNerd

The thing Im starting to realize is people dont listen to understand. I think that is where I get frustrated in communication. I think in person I do much better. People assume what they assume and never care to be objective or ask am I fair? Am I just? Is it reasonable? And I dont relate to most people and most people probably cant relate to me. I've spent much of my life trying to fit in with other and trying to figure out how to be basically human. Connection matters to me and I care about everyone and dont understand a lot about people. But I like people, generally speaking I really enjoy people and think they have a lot to offer or something special or unique about them that you can learn from them. I know Miguel and I were discussing things we do when we travel and I said I like to go and just talk to people (he does this too). Listen about their life and share a moment with them. Offer each other a new perspective or way to think about things. I dont really care what people do, as long as it's right for them. What's right for me isnt necessarily right for somebody else. Doesnt make them better or worse, just different. I dont condemn people because they dont see things the way I do but it seems most people do that. Or anything you say turns personal and most times I cant see where it is personal because I try to be objective but also learning not my job to protect people from their own interpretation, that is their issue and not mine. Usually if people have a problem with you it's a reflection of something within themselves and not a reflection of you, so dont take it personally. Move on, dont waste time on people actively bent to misunderstand, misinterpret and detest you. Cant please everyone, so why bother trying?

I dont really hate or dislike anyone, only people I literally dont care about at all are my exs but when people have mistreated you to that extent. It wears you numb until all the feeling or care is gone. They could need me or be really sick and Id feel utter indifference. They used me badly and there is nothing left to feel. Else I basically like people. 

The thing I pay attention to is masks and the reality behind who people really are. Not the person they are when things are easy or they're happy or things are going their way but when at the core something has made them deeply uncomfortable or shaken them. To me that moment is where you see the raw, authentic nature of who someone is. When all the walls or torn down and the bullsh!t built on it (We all bullsh!t ourselves, we are all guilty) but those are important moments to see truth from and be really honest with ourselves because none of us are perfect. Big reason I joined the Marine Corps was to push my limits and figure out who I really was. I pushed really hard and it meant a lot to me. I dont always talk about my life in the Marines but sometimes I just miss it. I had a purpose, I was well liked, respected, appreciated and I was growing. I dont want to go back but it was an experience that meant the world to me and I am so glad I did it but sad it's changed so much.

I lunged Wonder today, I didnt ride because I was close to a panic attack for something really really stupid. In general I care too much, I'm learning not to care as much about other people or I feel things for them and need to make myself numb. One of things I used to do when I had depression really really bad is I used to go to stores and see people who were sad and Id make them smile and laugh. In Denmark talking to random people is very unusual, very introverted mind their own business types but in the US people really appreciated it and I felt if I could make them happy for a moment them my life had meaning, even if I was struggling to find a reason to be around. Because Robin Williams is right, when youre that far gone you dont want anyone else to feel that way and you dont want people to know how you feel. You just want to make them smile and laugh and see a happy person. Why burden them with the truth? Later years I tried reaching out to people and now Im just re-learning how to handle life. I'm still disconcerted or little dazed. Not always sure what is reality or my perception, two different things. Reality being what is, regardless of how it is perceived. 

Wonder was in good spirits, after our ride yesterday his mental outlook was night and day. He was so happy and chipper and eager today. No naughtiness. Just Mom, Mom can we play? What do you want me to do? I'll do it! He was so happy and chipper. After I ride him he's almost always night and day attitude difference. Not 100% sure why but I know he enjoys the work. He just loves it, he might question and get frustrated and have temper tantrums sometimes but it's like after the grind when he gets it he is so proud and pleased with himself. Like I did it, I got it. He is special and I'm really lucky to have him. Though my goal is that other people will soon be confident to handle him when the weather is better so he can go outside and in turnout and be a horse. I'm optimistic because I dont want him to be a horse who is dependent on me being able to work with him. I need to be able to go to the US at some point and right now if I dont go to the stable he's in his box. It's important for his quality of life. When Im really sick and dizzy, I still make sure I go out so Wonder can get out of his box. I feel terrible on days when I dont go out because it's not fair to Wonder. He is a very passionate, intense horse and he loves to move and do something. He needs a purpose or he becomes angry and bitter.

He was holding his reins and playing with them, he was amused and in good spirits. Plus it was warm. The sky was hauntingly beautiful, one of the most surreal things I've ever seen.


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## lostastirrup

Your pictures are stunning! So sorry it's rough right now. You'll make it through! But I know it's not pleasant in the "getting there". 

I think when it comes to people,we have to be generous, people don't grow "soft skins" generally unless they know what it's like to be hurt and to struggle. And unfortunately we're not all conditioned to be sensitive to the seat things so we miss opportunities to be compassionate by just not seeing them. 

Also im sure you're finally on break but I just read a really good book on study habits and I think you'd enjoy/ make use of it. It's called "the A game" by Kenneth Sufka and it's got some really good tips from a guy who understands "learning science"


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## knightrider

As I have said before, I love your thoughtful, caring posts. When I see there is a new one, I happily click on it. And those photos--amazing. What a sky!

I really liked the part about your just talking to people and cheering them up. I've done that when traveling too, and you get a feel for how people are in a certain country.

I had an "ah ha" moment this morning and thought I would share it. A young fairly attractive man and I were waiting for a store clerk to have time to wait on us. He saw me looking at some jewelry and made some chance comment. If I had been young, as you are, I would have shut him down, not wanting him to "come on to me." But happily, I am old, so I knew he was just being friendly. It was fun pointing to the different rings and talking about why we liked or didn't like them. It passed an impatient time so pleasantly. Growing old isn't a picnic, with a lot of bad and scary stuff, but I found one benefit of "the golden years."

What brought it to mind was your talking about cheering strangers up. I know our chance meeting today cheered us both up. I'm glad I didn't shut him down as I would have done when I was young.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- Thank you so much for the book suggestion. I may have to order it and see if it can help me as well. I'm not quite stable but I'm okay. My brain is everywhere, not quite delusional anymore. Alma (my cat) has been helping me a lot. She's always by my side and happy to be petted and loved. When I get home I HAVE to cuddle her or she cried and gets in my lap and rubs on me. She's the sweetest thing. 

You're absolutely right. Tough circumstances dont develop a soft skin. I think in some ways I've grown very soft, I used to not care. I was pretty tough as a Marine and I could be really hard on people but I think I was fair. I just miss it sometimes. I miss the culture. You cant be weak and thrive there. Have to have a thick skin and take it and fight. Especially as a female, you fight for everything you get. Especially respect. I was very well respected. It's a delicate balance of being tough and firm but still empathetic and listen to people. It wasnt about trying to be a man but earning respect through work ethic, strength of character, competence and being someone people could look up to. I was a good Marine. Even my Gunny who hated everyone said I carried myself with a pride and dignity to be admired and wished more Marines were like me and truthfully that Gunny was REALLY hard on me and pushed my limits but he made me better. 

But thank you for your support and also checking up on me, that means a lot to me 

knightrider- Thank you. It was really amazing! 

That's a really sweet story of meeting the man and sharing a moment together. I think it's important we continue to do this and bond with others. 

I think we all change a lot as we grow older, I dont know how I'll change in the next 10, 20, or 30 years but I know that change will happen, as will my perspective and understanding of myself of life. 


Wednesday

Rode Wonder. He was really, really good. He is SO SO happy in work. We cantered and I made it a bit of a game and he was so happy. We had other horses in the arena and he ran off with me once but it was mild. We did some okay can you extend the canter on the longside and collect on the short sight and if he had trouble coming back did a 12m circle and had him maintain that the next long side then let him out. Then did some long and low in the canter (not much because there were other horses) but a long side and he was very happy. Some quarter turn pirouettes and he was happy with that. Still not strong enough for too much but we throw one in here and there and that's how you build the musculature. 

I sometimes get a bit sad watching riders in the arena. I dont mind if people are learning or beginners and make mistakes but I do get upset when people take their mistakes out on the horse. And the horse looks stressed, worried and confused and increases in being upset rather than breaking through a new point in understanding and the anxiety goes down. And I dont like people just doing left-right bit action on the horses to get the head down and then not have control of their seat and blame the horse for running off. The horse is listening, not running off. If you have a hot or loud seat and a horse runs, it isnt because the horse is hot or naughty. It's because they're listening and following your rhythm. Dont have to get into it's face or spin it on it's legs. I also understand moments and having to address issues but it needs to be fair and clear to the horse. It bothers me when I see a stressed, confused horses running blindly because they dont know what to do. When the horse was stressed and upset, I just brought Wonder to the center of the arena and kept him calm. He is sensitive to other horse's energy, so sometimes this helps to recenter him. Also fed him treats when we played with piaffe steps. We stayed around the mirror, when he'd get a few steps I'd praise, let him trot out and then give him a cookie! He's getting the idea. I think it will be quite a nice piaffe when he fully understands. It's really transformed his posture and how he reacts to the seat, much more supple over the back. It makes the aid really clear to him when I ask him to come back. 

We still do lateral work but I'm backing off of that until he sees the chiropractor. We did some leg yield, half pass, shoulder in, haunches in and reverse shoulder in, etc but more like half a long side each way and more riding accurate figures, bending lines, if I let you medium how easily do you come back? And just helping him be more adjustable. His collected canter has really come along. When he gets something or does very well then I let him walk on a slack rein. I dont want him to get tense, atm if I feel him get tense I'll push through and return him to light and supple for say a long side and a 10m circle then let him walk on a loose rein. I want him to be happy and relaxed and to keep his playfulness in the work. I think that is something he's taught me, is how to make the work playful and fun. 

For instance Wonder almost never comes out of a workout with any sweat, might have a mark under the girth or some on the neck (during winter) but it's because I dont stress or pressure him very much. I used to wonder why when horses I rode wouldnt be in a rich lather like horses other people rode for the same amount of time and I think a lot of it is stress related. I'm all about training the horse's mind and understanding. If a horse doesn't get something, I dont go okay run harder or here let me drill it into your brain and bully the horse. I go back a few steps and say okay you arent understand the bend in the half pass? How about we do a 10m circle, shoulder in down the longside and then haunches in, reverse haunches in or shoulder in and then long and low to let them process. When I let them out, it's partially to rest their muscles but also to let them sit and process the new information without pressure. I just dont think drilling an exercise for half an hour works. 

Thursday

Chiropractor worked on Wonder then also did some muscle work with him. She said his L1 was out on the right but that he's maintaining himself well. She is concerned about his left front tendon. For those who may not know Wonder has quite a bit of scar tissue in his tendons both fronts but more so on the left. It surprised the farrier as well. As a 4yr old Wonder reared up a horse walk and got his legs caught, so he has scars on both front legs. She said he carries a lot less tension in his back and body then when she last worked on him. She spent an hour with him. And Wonder was hysterical. I had to keep him entertained or he was trying to pull jackets off, grab hats, flip his head up and down, etc. It was like a little boy told to sit still in his chair looking at a blank wall lol. He is so mouthy. Cant really stop him, just have to keep him entertained and his brain busy. He needs CONSTANT mental stimulation. I've started hanging a hay net in his stall too, to try to keep him busy. 

Im trying to keep myself busy as well. Working on my homework for my psychologist, I like him a lot. He's not a kiss @ss, feel good type psychologist. He's a let's shine a mirror on your inner demons and face them type. Hard work, not always pleasant but he calls it like it is. 

People and cultures have very different outlooks and interpretations. Perspective makes a big difference in understanding. 

The weekend was spent with Miguel. Wonder just loves him, I havent seen him take to anyone else like he does him and totally took care of him undersaddle. Miguel fell off once. We were doing baby jog trot, me right next to Wonder and he slid off. He was fine and got right back on. When he fell Wonder jumped side ways SUPER careful not to trample him. He was really worried and Miguel reassured Wonder that he was okay. Then they had a good ride. We did some more jog trot then had to stop because I literally rammed my shoulder into Wonder and Wonder had this Im ready to go. Miguel says he wants to learn to ride on Wonder, even if it's hard. I said we can use a different horse next time to get more experience trotting because Wonder's trot is INSANELY bouncy, even his jog trot is super bouncy. I had a friend whose ridden a lot of young warmbloods ride him and I said she needed more trot and she was like Cass I dont think I can post more trot than this. If youre saying this isnt even his working trot, I dont know how you do it. In the long and low I have been bounced out of the saddle posting trot, it is that springy. It really pushes you up. 









canter









Miguel and Wonder. I'm SO amazed that he and Wonder get along like this. Anybody whose sat on this horse can tell you even in the walk he is TOUGH. You have to win his mind before he will give you ANY control over his body. I find this absolutely amazing but these two have a very special bond. He wants to learn to ride on Wonder. What I did was introduce him to a few ideas and then let him play around on Wonder and figure it out. He figured out go and stop just off of his position. He was like if I sit at all forward he stops.

Wonder is straighter to the left and more like a banana to the right. Every horse has a weak and strong side. Often it seems the stronger side is straighter. So with him keeping that right rein and using the left leg is important to keep him straight, cant lose the right rein.

to leg yield I explained, put weight in the outside seat bone and when he pushes his inside rib cage into your leg allow him to move side ways. This horse will push into your leg if you try to force him over, why I use more seat and position but if he doesnt believe you he wont do it. And in the walk feeling that barrel and sort of allowing a little more swing in either way but without forcing the barrel to move side to side. He wants to learn to trot and canter on Wonder even if it takes longer. We have other horses we could use but Wonder is his favorite. And Wonder absolutely loves him.





Also been struggling with depression. It's okay. It's more my brain telling me that I'm worthless piece of sh!t that will never amount to anything and am wasting the life around me by breathing. So typical depression stuff. Trying to give power to more positive thinking. Cant do battle with it, just have to be like yes I know I'm a piece of sh!t what of it? Also Bojack Horseman speaks to me in a great many ways, great series. Didnt think Id like it but quite a few people told me to give it a shot and I did. Some of the things characters say hit home pretty hard. 

Also some Alma.


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## knightrider

I was a special education teacher for many years and I love kids with unique problems. Someone sent me this beautiful video and I thought to share it with you . . . and others who may be struggling. I like to match up kids with ADHD, emotional problems, and Asperger's with horses. I am lucky that our next door neighbor is a troubled sweet girl just perfect for messing with my horses. And here is the video. I hope you like it.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- that made me ball my eyes out. It's so sweet and important. I understand what those kids are feeling and going through. It's not easy when you're not like everyone else. It's really hard and people dont understand you, they belittle you, put you down, call you retarded, stupid, useless, a piece of sh!t, etc. They have limited minds, you cant expect any kind of broadness, perspective or enlightenment from minds so shallow they can't open themselves to anyone else or people being different. 

Wonder's Mommy Im bored!





Depression is taking over, just gotta let it run it's course. Mine sinks pretty low. Makes it hard to get anything done. It's like you go through loops of skepticism, doubting everything anyone has ever told you, hating yourself, to feeling absolutely numb and empty. 

This video is of Wonder on Tuesday. It cracks me up. This is Wonder's spirit in a nut shell. Cracks me up. He's a happy, exuberant soul. 











Wednesday

Got a hair cut for the first time since July. I try not to do it very often because it is SO expensive. Almost 70 dollars for a hair cut and that's just what it costs in Denmark, cost of living is high but they did a very nice job! Part of why I keep long hair, I can't afford hair cuts :lol:

Rode Wonder. Focused more on canter work. He finds the left shoulder in in canter quite hard, so we did half a wall of shoulder in and then a 10m circle, leg yield in to a 15m circle and then a few steps shoulder in and then let him canter straight. Shoulder in at canter is hard and takes a lot of strength and control. The letting out is letting him relax and not over stress the hind end. Then quarter canter pirouette turns both directions. He finds the work a lot easier to the right. I think he finds the half pass in canter easier than leg yield *shrugs*

He's getting the idea for piaffe more and more. It's a tough exercise but helps him respond to seat and helps him rock back and lift in the shoulder. It's really helped him become more regular in the trot. Being stronger and doing more collected work keeps his brain busy and he hasn't ran off like he used to. He does a little but not like a bolt. So think we're getting that over with. He is strong in the contact. He feels like a whole surge of power from back to front. I've never felt anything quite like it. One of the most powerful horses I have ever been fortunate enough to ride. And he loves it, the collection really gives him something to think about and put his energy into. He likes to think and work. Not a horse you can just let sit in a field all day, he gets into mischief. Even on quarantine they said he was good (high temps, he's a lot less intense when it's especially hot) but that he'd get really bored. 

I really want to find someone who can work with him if I go on vacation for a week. Miguel and I have some trips planned and atm I couldn't live with myself knowing Wonder was stuck in his box for a week. Not fair to him at all. Even to hand walk or lunge him takes quite a bit of skill. He knows quite a lot of things but if the handler doesnt know enough, isnt quick or firm enough or able to communicate with him. He just takes control, he can easily get loose from the lunge line. I cant even always keep him. The only person I've ever seen him really be on his best behavior for is Miguel. I can't explain it. He's reared up in hand on Miguel when he tried to go to the right of him (Wonder is really funny about being led to the right) but Miguel handled it like a pro. Was pleasantly surprised, he calmed Wonder right down and Wonder was in his pocket afterwards. Since then I have lead him a lot to the right, I've done a lot of ground work having him switch directions, go where I point and some in hand from the right but have to be careful. Timing has to be spot on or he loses his sh!t. He's a lot better but it takes time. 

It's odd. Wonder can seem so self assured, confident and will take initiative but he has moments where he just spins his wheels, overthinks, panics and loses it. Have to really be calm, return him to nothing like walk or stand still or he works himself up and loses it. So reassurance, it's okay and no pressure when he's like that. He tries SO SO hard and he wants to do it SO SO SO much, sometimes he gets too in his head and goes from 0 to 100. It's a lot to keep all that try and heart and say hey one step at a time buddy. It's okay. Then other times it's convincing him to let you in and let you ride him. He's gotten so much better and is so much more confident and trusting but it's a good reminder that he could easily reverse. 

We may have to find a new place to keep Wonder because it's changed management, will ask permission to stay but will be looking around to see what else might be available, isnt too expensive and maybe where Wonder can receive more turnout. And more access to trails. Walked him around the Christmas tree farm after riding, he passaged nearly the whole time :lol: I had him walk a few times but then he was so happy. He just looked so happy and enthusiastic. He has a lot more spring in his passage steps, he loves it. He's like I may not be able to go in front of you but I can push my energy up. It's sweet and very cute.


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## Tihannah

Looks like the chiro was a big help! He is looking a lot better. A good chiro is worth their weight in gold! I try to have North done every 4-6 weeks, but after our last visit, he may start going longer in between. Miguel looks like a good guy. Glad you are finding some happiness.


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## gottatrot

I love the video of Wonder so happy, and all the pics. It made me think of a question I've seen on the forum, "I turned my horse out in the arena and he bucked, what do I do?" I thought, get some video! 
I like watching your boy move, it's so lovely. Such a trot.


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## PoptartShop

Hopefully you can find someone to exercise Wonder while you are on vacation.

I am having my trainer exercise Promise while I'm gone for 8 days next month, otherwise I wouldn't have anyone to work her, hard to trust people and they wouldn't be able to handle her, she's a 1-person kinda horse. I couldn't let her sit for 8 days, she'd go insane and I'd come back with a nightmare of a horse. :lol: No thanks!
If she's not in consistent work you can totally tell, when I got sick for 5-6 days and she wasn't worked she was like crazy happy to be back to work after that.

The cons of horse ownership...trying to go on vacation. :lol:

The chiro definitely makes a difference. I'm sure he is feeling a lot better.

Hopefully it doesn't take too long to find a new barn if you can't stay. More turnout would be nice!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Tina- Thanks. I really like my chiropractor, I think she helped quite a bit. She also said he still has some residual muscle stuff from the racetrack in his chest and shoulder area. Was surprising, he has had weird muscle indents from the racing girth since I got him. I just thought it was scar tissue but she worked on that and the indents went away. Pretty amazing, she did quite a bit of muscle therapy and laser work too. But a lot of it is also staying on the path and having faith in the outcome.

Wonder and I had a few discussions on the ground that lasted about 40-50min but that made a huge difference. It was pretty ugly but after that totally different attitude. He can be a real bully sometimes.

Thank you he's really good for me. He's done a lot for me and I try to do the same for him. I told him today I want a future with him and he was very happy. Made me realize how important it is to reassure him too. Plus Wonder loves him. Never seen Wonder like that before. For example all the girls in the stable who've worked with him he's fired a ton of different tests at them. Miguel he was like I am yours, Ill take care of you. Never seen Wonder look after anyone like that, other than kids or small animals. 

gottatrot- thank you. He's an incredible athlete. And I agree take video! Have something to always remember your horse by or if you have a sad day to look on and go ahh look how happy he is!

Allison- Yes it is. I'm glad you have someone you trust who also gets along with Promise while you go on vacation. Some horses just needs a job and just need certain kinds of people who understand them. It keeps them healthy and happy. 

I hope we find a good barn too. I have the option of the barn the trainer I want to train with is at, literally a 5min walk from me but it's almost a 1000usd a month and I just dont have that money. She's the only one I've found that I think would get along with him and she loved him when I showed her videos. But TONS of horse places around, just gotta find somewhere good but not too expensive.

Thursday

Saw my psychologist. Was a very productive session. Not easy but we're doing hypnosis next session. Broke through a lot. Discussed a lot of cultural differences between Americans and Danes. Generalized. 

One thing I really like about Danes is they tend to look at things as a spectrum, rather than as black and white. They try to be fair and respectful to everyone, there is a LOT LOT less gossip. Danes are too busy working on their lives to invest that much in others. They believe nobody is special and so people dont act quite so entitled. It's more communal. They're less self absorbed. Americans take EVERYTHING super personally vs Danes tend to be more objective and dont think everything is about them. They're sort of passive aggressive but more so they just dont like confrontation and have a different way of handling it. You can also have discussions with Danes, they're okay if people dont agree and can handle disagreements with maturity. 

With horses, I think it's that Americans are used to looking at low level horses and Danes are used to seeing upper level horses. I also think they're used to seeing the development of producing an upper level horse. You go to a lot of dressage barns in the US they might have a horse over 3rd level. Here there are a lot of upper level horses. Blue Hors is an hour away, Helgstrand is an hour and half away. A World Cup qualifier was here in October, only 40min away. So people see the warm up rings and watch horses develop. Lots of stallion shows and young horse exhibitions. And you see everybody, not just top 5. I think that exposure makes a big difference and seeing everybody, not just the winners or top riders. Exposure is important to gain perspective and understanding. Catherine Dufour is a really nice rider. Down to earth, didnt come from any special background or money. Just worked her @ss off. 






I still want to take lessons with the trainer I like. I think she would be good for us, the others I've seen I dont think would be a good fit. I remember in the US I ended up taking lessons on school masters because it was a waste of time to take one on Wonder. Literally spent half the time having to ignore my trainer to address an issue and my trainer saying that was the right call. I hope now he's at a point where we could really gain from lessons. But no money for training right now, so no point in thinking about it. 

Saw and rode Wonder. He was an @ss hole on the ground. Started in the cross ties, tried to bite me a few times and kick me. He usually kicks out when you groom, he HATES it but today he was in rare form. So I lunged he was leaping and bounding in the air then doing very nice long and low. In hand before I rode we had a lengthy discussion about don't run me over, dont try to bash me in the head because I DARE to correct him. *lays head in hands* he can be really really good and I'm like YAY he's fixed and then we have days like today and I'm like why do I bother? As a handler your timing has to be so spot on when he's like this or he will kick you in the head or come at you with teeth. Have to watch both ends, he's super handy with both and he's so freaking fast, willful, determined and smart. When he tries to plow over the top of me I usually have the whip and position it at his forehead or tap him on the forehead (only thing I've found that works). Today he just plowed over the top of me in hand because I asked him to back out of my space. Literally asked him to back up and he just shot forward over the top of me (nothing spooked him, he decided to do that) and took off like a maniac galloping around the arena at full speed in full bridle. Had to be careful with position because he'll rear and kick out, leap in the air, try to bolt out of your hand, etc. Also have to be careful in your position or he'll rear or kick at you. Days like today make me wonder why I bother at all. But I'll say if I didnt have the experience I've had handling young horses and stallions and problem horses, else there is no way I could handle Wonder. He's something. Same with riding, if I didnt have the experience I do there is no way I could have a horse like him. He'd have killed me, I know that. But that's why he's here with me and he really is very rewarding. But I know in a different situation someone would have put him down or he'd have ended up hurting someone or in an abusive situation. 

I get frustrated with him sometimes because it doesnt seem to matter how many times I correct him or address the little things, my energy, how many "games" or "exercises" I do with him (yes it matters, else he's much much worse but not fixed). It's a lot of turns on the forehand and turn on the haunches, sending him either direction, having him pay attention to my body language and LISTEN, and a lot of move away from my energy bubble and LISTEN, do NOT assume and take control. It makes me want to pull my hair out, in past have talked to people who know him and have worked with him and they're like well good luck, some horses are just like that and they're right but you hope they're wrong. If you handle him in the stable, for the most part he's perfect. Very well behaved. Super easy with the farrier, super to clip or medicate, great with kids to this leaping crazy horse who goes from relaxed floppy ears to leaping in the air cant keep all 4 feet on the ground dancing on his back legs. Better pay attention or you're going to get hurt. I love him dearly but there are moments where I'm like Lord give me patience. With this stuff I've already talked with people who know and have worked with him and they're like yeah, good luck. Just keep doing what you're doing. And I'm like well wish they had a solution but I have hope. Brick by brick, day by day is all you can do.

I had to lose my temper with him today and he threatened me a few times. Was not playful, very dominant, stallion-like behavior. He's typically not aggressive, he's usually playful and dominant but not mean. Rare form. I hope it was just today because it's gotten quite a bit cooler. Below freezing now. He was the same temperament wise undersaddle. He was good but there are days where he goes through a million and one evasion techniques and just pulls all his tricks out of his basket to challenge you. It's a dominance-stallion thing. And you have to address it then and there, no matter how small it may seem or it quickly escalates. So lots of obedience type exercises. You CANT just walk, trot, and canter on this horse and ask for nothing unless you want to end up in a wall or be bolted off with. There is a reason laterals and collection are important on this horse, it isn't to show off moves. It's to communicate, ask him to listen, accept direction and get his brain busy. After all that he was really very good and cooperative but honestly most of the stallions I've worked with are way easier than Wonder. One I remember who was harder was a PRE stallion Nitro, he was black and such a pr!ck. He was mishandled, so had to handle him with whip and chain all the time and when groomed needed two people. He was allowed to get away with a lot and handled by the nicey-nice types who just dont have a clue how damaging and dangerous it is with a horse like that. He should have been gelded but owner didn't believe in castration. Stallions are a very different temperament, some act just like geldings, others really need to be handled by the people who can handle them. I think that is Wonder. Not all the time, most of the time he's a good boy but when he is bad, he's pretty bad.

I dont have all the answers, I'm just going brick by brick. It's not a pain issue, it's mental. There is a reason with him I ONLY get help from people who have worked with him, he doesnt ride anything like he looks and he's not what you expect. And truthfully most trainers have not worked with a horse anything like this. He's his own thing. What works for most horses doesnt work with him. He's so f!cking smart, so fast, so strong and think for himself. I think at some point in his past he was mistreated and I think someone was very unkind to him because he can get super defensive and aggressive if you have the wrong energy and with how testy he is. I have seen him grab a guy by his shirt and pull him aggressively into him. There is a meanness in him but I would NEVER describe Wonder as mean, he's very sweet and kind. I will never know what happened, I just think something happened. I also think if I got Wonder as a 3 or 4 year old a lot of this wouldn't be an issue but then again I dont know. It could just be his character. He's also SUPER sensitive to energy, it's worse when he's with other horses. Especially if others riders are juicing their horses up. He gets higher than a kite, what I've been doing if the horses are being pumped is returning to walk and standing in the center of the arena feeding him cookies. Also have to watch because some days he is REALLY jumpy and spooky. So when he's like that HAVE to keep his focus and gain his trust. Not a horse you can flop the reins at and say be good. Before Miguel rode him, I lunged him and rode him. and had to be with him in hand a bit until Miguel was able to get his attention. He has a feel for animals. He makes me sit up at night and want to cry. Then wake up early trying to problem solve.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Been super busy this week, got a lot I need to do. Will try to catch up on journals next week! I've decided to change majors. After discussing with my psychologist, he thinks I had such a complete shut down from being deeply unhappy and disinterested in the material and getting burnt out on forcing and pressuring myself to do something I thoroughly hate. He said I need to find something that makes me curious, not something that makes me shut off. I absolutely hate accounting and business. It's so limited and requires almost no imagination or creativity, just dead end sadness where I feel trapped and limited. So I've been doing research and I'm changing my major to cognitive science. I think that will be much more my ally. It requires thought, imagination and exploration. Innovation is rewarded, rather than a handicap. 

Also car shopping, I can't drive stick and I dont even want to try learning in winter on ice and snow. In the sunshine I stall and the car goes out, so no thank you. Finally have my documents so I am legally able to buy a car. Need to learn more Danish and read more

I have been SO freaking exhausted. I cant even describe how tired and for no reason. I mean I get out of bed and am just overwhelmed with fatigue when I have SO SO much I need to do. 

Wonder had the weekend off and when I showed up at the stable, he heard my voice and was like MOM IM HERE!! LET ME OUT! Miguel and I agreed. We wish Wonder could be in Copenhagen with us too, he had joked about that he liked Wonder so well that Wonder could stay in the apartment :lol: if only.

Also cant turn Wonder out in the outdoor, it is frozen ground and not safe. So limited to how much hand walking we can do outdoors too. Some parts cant walk because he slides. 

Monday
Leaping, bucking, tempis changes on a circle, passaging, snorting, he was so happy to be out of his box. I think they let him out over the weekend (thank God) and Wonder's toys were all over the stall. He was tearing things apart! I cut back his grain when I'm gone. Something very common here in Europe. 

Tuesday

Lunged then rode Wonder, was a light ride. Just reminding him to connect to both reins and to use the parts of him that are weaker and less balanced. Kept it pretty simple, so lots of transitions and just medium to collected, leg yields, shoulder in, haunches in etc.

Did some in hand, he really doesnt like it when I tell him he cant control the situation and again tried to run his shoulder into me and charge. He's a pretty self confident horse. Just a lot of work to correct and stay on top of everything. So think groundwork has to be done every day. 

Wednesday

He was a little crazy on the ground, we're working past this whole running his shoulders into me thing. It isnt so simple as hey move away, it's the details and have to be very quick in your position and the energy you send to him but at the same time be prepared because he may either try to run his shoulder straight into you or he'll start backing up at a million miles an hour and into other horses which the difference between I havent really figured out yet. I think he just reacts to whichever evasion he thinks will get him his way fastest. So he's making me a better horseman and working through this is frustrating but he's a pretty resourceful horse, I dont know if he'll ever run out of new evasions to come up with. He figures out new ones as soon as you correct old ones. So brick by brick, step by step. I love him but also very frustrated, everyone who knows him is pretty much like yep I got nothing as far as ideas go. Just keep doing what you're doing and it's like God I wish someone had a magic cure :lol: nope. But his intelligence, power and self confidence is also what makes him such an awesome horse to ride and train. He learns crazy fast. 

If he were that easy, he wouldn't be my favorite horse in the world. Undersaddle he was brilliant, he felt like riding a schoolmaster. I couldn't believe it. Canter transition was literally position and a thought. Same with medium to collected canter. He's able to maintain the canter shoulder in much better, tried to talk to a friend while walking but had to be careful where I turned my head or he was offering me haunches in, shoulder in or getting crooked. He really listens. Same in the seat, HAVE to pay attention because he really listens to where you sit and where your weight is. I almost cried from sheer happinesss. I told my friend if I had a saddle and no one else was in the arena, she should sit on Wonder. He was that good and she said I dont know if I could get the same and I said maybe not but it'd give you a feel of what it feels like. The piaffe is much better, more in place and he gets it a lot better. So will be neat when it's established enough I can put someone else on, so they can feel what piaffe is like. Also explained with him when you ask you dont hold, it's in your core. You're using the energy he has to lower his croup and sit back, it's the same in collected work now that he gets it. It's core, close fingers on rein and elbows into ribs hold until he sits and lower than soften the hands and fingers. I hold my snaffle rein between my index finger and thumb, the curb under my middle finger and sometimes under my index. But for me it is easier to separate the reins that way and choose which rein to engage and what amount to ride with each. I really like the double bridle, even if I pretty much leave the curb rein slack which on Wonder you dont want to overly engage the curb. Now he rides more evenly between double and snaffle. Much more respectful of the snaffle and I really have to thank the double bridle for that because he used to PULL so so freaking hard against me. I'd have to grab the ring and just let him fight himself. Now he doesnt do that. Now he respects the bridle and respects my hand. He is also a lot more relaxed in his work now.

A few people were commenting on how far Wonder has come since October, its' like a different horse. A lot less tense, more agreeable and not so aggressive. So that's good. Have to trust the training, even if people dont have a clue what youre doing or why. Just glad in Denmark when I struggle people could see what was going on and how I was addressing it vs in the states people usually go oh well I'd have that sorted out and fixed by conventional method a, b, c when in reality they probably couldn't even steer Wonder let alone get him to accept contact or meet the connection at all. 

Trot work rider needs to be VERY clear in their ask or he becomes irregular or canters. His canter transition is literally a thought at the moment. Will it be tomorrow? I dont know but it was today.

Also cant have too steady a contact on him or he gets heavy, the trick with him is he's SO strong and powerful. I feel a little like riding a saddleseat horse in that you have to back him off of the bit quite a bit, cant drop it or use a lot of conventional methods or he just takes the bit and takes control of the steering, pace, etc. 

Thursday

Difficult in hand, same stuff but better reaction and not so determined to run me over. Dont know where it's coming from or why, just gotta correct it and eventually it'll get better. 

Undersaddle again he was brilliant. He was a really good boy, have to watch him around other horses because he threatens to kick other horses. I dont let him but can definitely feel he would if allowed. He rode like a schoolmaster, so we played a lot more in medium and extended paces and less on collected type work and he was REALLY REALLY good, he came back to me as soon as I asked and didnt once try to run off, take the bit or bolt. Just nice.

Also pleased that before I rode, I think his neck is a little stiff from the hay net so I've set it lower. and his posture and demeanor was WAY WAY better after riding than before. His attitude was night and day and his back and neck looked much better. He looked more relaxed and happy in himself. Before he just seemed angry with the world, dont know why. Could be the cold weather. 

I love sharing my horses if possible, so it makes me sad that I can't really sit many people on Wonder. To me it is a testament to the training when someone else gets on and it's just easy for them and just happens. I also like showing people a feeling on a horse and seeing their eyes get wide when they feel it and are like woah! When I'd put people on Frankie people would be like she's a dream, she's so good, easy and uncomplicated and most the horses I've produced I think are like that. My trainer used to say she liked getting horses from me because she didnt have to fix anything, just carry on developing them or one of my students really liked sitting on her mare and it was just easy for her to get and advance each lesson. And that makes me proud, I like seeing people get it or I like setting up horses so life is easy for them. An easy horse is more likely to have a better quality of life and not need a special mommy to look after them. But I really connect and LOVE the problem children, sometimes I wonder why but reading Gottatrot's thread. I think maybe it's when you are a misfit, you connect and bond more with the misfits than the "normal" horses. For example I connected to Dante and I loved Frankie but I didnt really connect to her. I felt bad about that because she was such a good girl, she had typical baby moments and had to be actively ridden at that stage but she was a good mare! Cant say one thing I could fault her on but I didnt love her like I do Wonder. I had a TON of people tell me I was completely crazy. They couldn't see what I see in Wonder. It's funny too because the professionals and high end riders said if I was serious about the GP then Wonder's a better choice but Frankie is the better mover. Wonder now moves really quite impressively, even better than last video. 

I like a challenging, difficult horse because I learn SO SO much more from them than I ever would on a conventional enough horse. Wonder makes me have to problem solve and try things. Cant just do what usually works, have to really think and be on your toes, pay attention and be creative. I wish Wonder was a bit easier, so he could be turned out and have a better quality of life or so I could more easily find a trainer to work with that isnt $75 a lesson or so I could go somewhere and ask someone to just handwalk or lunge him. Because to do that takes a great deal of skill, my friend that was living with me had a lot of experience handling difficult horses so she could work with him but undersaddle I dont feel safe putting people on, unless Im present because he can be so naughty and it makes me nervous because I dont want anyone to get hurt. Almost every rider I have put on Wonder can barely steer and cant get him on the bit or relax. If he's not on the bit he's like a wind up toy ticking like a bomb of tension. He needs his brain busy or he's tense and anxious. Minor mistakes in the rider and he's taking full advantage. You can feel the energy coming off of him and the problem isnt that he's hot. And it isnt' that he's basically a stallion to work with. It's that he's so innovative and quick to figure out an evasion as soon as you think he's fixed. He doesnt do it out of fear or anxiety, he does it out of wanting to control the situation and be in charge and test boundaries. He is very self confident and he isnt afraid of people, he's aggressive if triggered and it can be having the wrong energy, expecting to dominate him or him just fighting submission and respect of the handler. It frustrates me, I love him but he has a mean side and that is something someone could bring out in him. I never want that brought out. I prefer the playful.

I talked with some of my Danish friends about who know Wonder. They were like I think you're doing everything you can and that's just who he is. One friend who is quite experienced said I really like Wonder but Ive seen some of the stuff he does in hand and thought nope that's not one I ever want to handle. It makes me sad too. I want other people to be able to handle and ride him, that would be the best thing for me and for Wonder but atm I cant and no one wants to. I had a close friend who lived with me for a while who could handle Wonder and work with him, few people with that skill set. She had a lot of experience with stallions and youngsters and sensitive, over reactive horses. But Wonder isnt just sensitive or over reactive, he's also freakishly strong, willful and assertive. I keep reminding myself this is why my trainer and the barn manager both told me I needed to take Wonder with me. They said there was no way in he1l I was going to find someone who could ride him and on the off chance I did, I wouldnt be happy with the horse I came back to. They said I owed it to Wonder to take him with me. And I know horses like him end up on a slaughter truck. And that's part of what kills me, that's not a future I ever want for Wonder. 

Have to treat Wonder like a stallion. Stallions you have to pay attention but usually if you pay attention and keep on top of things are no issue. Dont let them talk, ever, focus, ear have to be on you and they dont get to carry high headed if they're up. They have to keep low and submit. Wonder just always tests the rules and he's always figuring out new ways to test them and fact is most trainers even just arent that adaptable. You also have to have strength to use with him, you HAVE to be very strong and at the same time very quick to be light when he accepts and VERY clear. You CANNOT float the reins to him or just hold a connection, he sees that as he has the right to take control and be boss. Cant start out light on him or he just out muscles and over powers and wont accept the rider at all, but cant use too much strength either, it's the balance. And you have to address issues as they come or you have no brakes or steering. 

It's just how it is and unfortunately I've met a lot of people, especially old school type trainers who absolutely cant work with an unconventional horse. Most trainers cant successfully work with something unconventional and will go oh just do this or that or a,b,c and quite frankly that just doesnt work. And they're so sure it just has to work but it doesnt. I love unconventional horses, those are the ones I bond the closest with and who I just love. 

Sporty was harder than Wonder, Sporty wasnt anywhere near as hot or powerful but Sporty was quirkier by far. I loved Sporty. He used to swing his head from your left knee to your right knee when you posted because he didnt like posting trot. Only sitting or two point :lol: some days couldn't steer at all on him then others just think it and it happens. scared to ride him outside some days because he'd have a spot he'd randomly decide he didnt like and he'd go from loose, free and happy to suddenly youre spun around the the other way at full speed. Sporty was also black but has the mealy muzzle. Christopher Bartle and other olympic riders had worked with that horse and no luck. Sporty was very special.

He also taught me sometimes people just cant understand what they havent experienced and that doesnt make anyone bad, it just means they cant understand and that's okay. You cant expect people to understand something they havent experienced. Cant fault them for it, just accept that's how it is. Stand your ground but dont take it personally.


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## SueC

Cognitive Science sounds excellent! :clap: WONDER-ful!  ...you could chase me a thousand miles with Business/Accounting... I have enough trouble not going comatose when doing our inevitable business accounting, but it's not my life, just an intermittent chore like cleaning the toilet... and I prefer cleaning the toilet, in all honesty... It's not that I'm bad at our accounting, it's just so dreadfully _dull_, even if the spreadsheet is pretty nifty. It's such a problem staying awake, so I make things in my spreadsheet all different colours to at least cheer things up aesthetically...

You're going to love Cognitive Science! :loveshower: It's a really interesting subject for people who are curious about learning and how things work in general. You can endlessly apply it to Wonder, who can be one of your long-term research subjects - your "Guinea horse"! :rofl:

Wonder is looking amazing!

Hope you get your energy back soon. Happens to me sometimes too - burn the candle at both ends, and you can end up flat. You live very fully - and people who do that need to remember to recharge! ;-) Which can be difficult when your schedule is so heavy. Can you lighten it any? I mean, new language, university, looking after a horse, keeping your household running... is working part-time, studying part-time an option that might make life more enjoyable and less of a grind? If it's just a routine job, then the study becomes more enjoyable if you have ample time for really getting into each course. (Of course, I nearly killed myself doing the whole lot fulltime; 16-hour days and that was just studying and essentials... the great thing about the learning you continue to do after uni is that you can do it at your own pace and just for fun... no deadlines...)

Best wishes with everything!


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you!! I'm super excited! It's the first time I've ever chosen a major I was sincerely interested in.

I TOTALLY understand! That is EXACTLY how I feel about business classes but truthfully I'd rather clean the toilet. There is satisfaction when it's done vs pure numbness and misery. But I LOVE that you make your spreadsheet colorful! Need something to give it a little life and positivity!

And yes! Wonder and all the horses and all of life have been my projects :lol: having aspergers. I've been studying my whole life and desperate to connect with others and trying to figure out how to basically be human in a natural and authentic way.

Jesus! I can well imagine! That's an awful lot. I'm really busy as well, not always sure how to do it all. And by the time I'm done, I'm pretty worn out and dont really have energy to "keep up on here." I feel bad about it but it takes a lot of thought to respond and give the proper energy and read everything. So hoping to be less exhausted too.

I'm someone who ALWAYS cleans my dishes after using them and today I was so tired I let it stay out! Totally not me at all. I like a tight ship but I was so tired, I couldnt' even stand the thought of touching it after making dinner.

Friday- lunged Wonder. He was nuts. He has a weird muscle on his neck that's from eating from his hay net, so I lowered it and I'm doing muscle work to work it out. I wouldn't have thought a hay net could do something so strange to the neck muscles. I use the hay net because he tramples it if it's on the ground and then doesnt eat it. It's healthier from the ground but cant afford to waste hay. 

Sunday- Got a message basically saying that I needed special permission for Wonder to continue as a boarded horse at the stable or move him that day (super rude, not to mention impossible) because it's changing management and something with legality and only so many horses are allowed on the property, etc, etc. I was LIVID. I've been looking for a place but was told I had a few months time. I was in Copenhagen and Miguel was like that is unacceptable but so Danish. Last minute news. But basically told them I cant move him that day but will try to find something by the 1st. It is not possible to receive news and be told to move a horse that day...well I did that in the US because I took my horse from a certain psycho and she had a temper tantrum like a toddler, super unprofessional and told me to remove my horse because I wasn't welcome. So I moved Wonder that day. Also sad when I talk to the people at the barn and they do everything they can to help me out and they're like yeah we know she's completely psycho but she pays well. Seriously she has to pay almost double minimum wage because no one wants to work for her. I worked for her for 18 months and she would scream at me for really stupid stuff at least once a week until she was red in the face telling me how stupid, slow, lazy and useless I was. But she is one of the best trainers I've ever worked with. Talent as an instructor is incredible, really good. Helped me so much with so many different horses, it actually really hurts me because I really valued her opinion. Now I dont want anything to do with her, she used to know she was crazy and try to be better. But oh well, I dont think her and Wonder wouldnt get along at all. She's totally one of those who sees horses in boxes and can handle and ride unconventional and Dante loved her but Wonder would be her worst possible match. Dante was quirky and tricky but he wasnt anywhere near as strong, aggressive or have the amount of fight that Wonder does. Wonder doesnt have Dante's attitude and imo is much more reasonable but he's the type who if you got on and had a determination to dominate him or to just make him do things he'd pick every fight and opportunity he could and he would rear and flip on someone vs Dante had attitude but he was more accepting of direction if that makes sense? For ex if I put a new rider on Dante, Dante would be on his best behavior and do his best to do what they wanted vs I put someone new on Wonder with the exception of Miguel and he is fighting them over every little thing and testing them with everything he has unwilling to accept direction until they prove they can direct him. She's more of a mechanical rider and I ride much more with the mind and intent. Also Wonder is much smarter than Dante and Dante was a very intelligent horse. Wonder is just ridiculously smart. And that's where the challenge lies. Lots of advantages to it though.

For example when I worked for her, if a horse was especially sensitive or touchy. She'd have me ride it because I got along with temperamental or special ones. 

Want to know reality of being a working student? Most of the time you're working for a prima donna psycho who is going to belittle you, over work you and misuse you in almost every way they can. There is no fair treatment and they dont care about you, it's all about them. Just gotta figure out how to gain from it too and watch your back. That's reality. Get blamed for things you didnt do, marginalized and humiliated in front of customers for things they did and sometimes you know things and have to keep your mouth shut or lose your job. Being a working student is tough. It's an eye opening reality into the horse industry and how to handle horses and people. I dont miss that life. 

Monday- Lunged Wonder for about 45min. He was really good. Had good ground manners today...well relatively good. He was still passaging and trying to over take me when walking, I make him walk behind me, sometimes several feet as an obedience and pecking order thing. But the good news is he was in good spirits and just happy to see me. It literally makes me want to cry when he's so naughty on the ground because I dont have a solution and nobody else does either. So day by day, brick by brick and prayers. 

Was really upset about Wonder's stall being filthy, disgusting but had no shavings and refuse to leave him to sleep on concrete. Filth is better than concrete. But his stall hadnt been cleaned in 4 or 5 days. I was furious and disgusted. Miscommunication makes me mad, especially when Wonder is the one who suffers.

Tuesday- I talked to new management. So I'm cleaning his stall now which is fine for now but also will be buying his shavings. I stripped his stall today, totally took out everything while I let him out into the arena to play and be a horse for a bit. He was quite happy. 

Lunged beautifully, did alright in hand but then was a total @ss hole about some things. And literally again when I asked him to back out of my space charged at me and aimed his shoulder into me, I stopped him. He almost knocked me to the floor and I was like you !F!UCKING @ss hole you DONT get to run me over and scared the bejesus out of him and we backed ate and did some desensitization and we had a come to Jesus meeting today. Have to be careful with that though, cant do it very often or he becomes this hyper sensitive, nervous, basket of fruit loops and stresses because you look at him *Sigh* but at the same time you cant be all nicey-nice, let's build your confidence or he is aggressive and a just drags you around or just controls everything. It's that balance and every day and moment is different.

Then rode for about an hour and a half. Focused a lot on basics and half pass and some piaffe stuff which is just built on basics. Lots of shoulder in 10m circle shoulder in or haunches in 10m circle shoulder in. the 10m circles really improve the quality of the laterals. I'm finding it's very easy for him to cheat and most people might not see the difference because the tracks are right but I can feel it in the muscles and in his back, he's cheating. So the 10m circles breaks it so he has to come round properly and really work over and through his back. Then halt to canter and canter to halt and trot lengthenings developing true extension are really hard for him. It takes a LOT to organize his trot, he is SUPER easy to make irregular. Warmbloods and most horses I find super easy to move into extension or lengthenings but Wonder it is really hard. It's all in the core and rhythm. If you ask like on most horses he goes into like an awful weird irregular trot, almost gaited. Just weird. Most horses trot work is super easy, Wonder you really need to be aware of how to create movement and have a real feel for regularity when asking for higher level work. He really listens. Where you position your head affects his response. He feels like a trained horse now. Maybe he'll make a schoolmaster one day? :lol: a girl can dream right? He feels like he knows his job and knows the buttons but there is no doubt in my mind he'll test the snot out of anyone who sits on him. He's like well I know it, but do you? Do you really know what youre doing? Nothing is for free on Wonder lol. Lots of seat and thoughts. When he's there I can put both reins in one hand and do leg yield, shoulder in or haunches in or half pass left. Cant get it half pass right yet. That is still harder for him. Also rode deep into corners and did some serpentines and just riding accurate, correct figures and patterns. Was very easy for him. Just position my head and there we go. 

Really wish I had a saddle because I like to work with neck position and depth of the back and would like to post trot or two point for it to encourage depth and roundness in his whole self. And ride the patterns and figures off his back and just let him coast. I like the game of collected gait while riding long and low and then moving into a medium or extension in the canter. I like long and low in the canter quite a lot but that is something to do on a mid-upper level horse. Not really a good idea on a low level horse or it tends to put them on the forehand and drag but once a horse has a good feel for collection it really helps keep the jump and lift, as well as the freedom in the back and shoulders. Have to make the true 3 beat rhythm on some horses, if a horse doesnt have that precise 3 beat and if they dont actively seek your hand from the hind end and have an established, self carrying collected canter it is not a good idea to do long and low in the canter (if a dressage rider). Also they need to follow the seat and be adjustable. It's a good tool though!

Whole purpose is getting and activating the whole back of the horse, it's not about nose position or having the head down but deepness and roundness in the whole horse come from the body and getting the back working with the core engaged with them working through their whole body. 

After ride, stretches and muscle work, a bit of his protein supplement which I give especially for after a muscularly demanding workout. But I think it was good for his brain, his eye was much softer and after work he just seemed happy and more relaxed.


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## lostastirrup

Geez Cassandra! That's a pile. Any ideas where you could move him to?


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## Tihannah

The one day notice is unacceptable, but I honestly think he would be happier somewhere else. Somewhere he can have turnout and stretch his legs when you're not able to ride and work with him. The "frustrating" moments you deal with could in part be due to that. The hard part is going to be finding a yard with help that can handle him, but I think you should be upfront, and make sure they understand, so you're not put in this position again of having to move him short notice.

Did they say why they stopped cleaning his stall?? I would be FURIOUS!


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## PoptartShop

That sucks about the 1-day notice. But hopefully you can find a place where he'd be happier anyway. I agree with Tina, he does need a place where he can stretch his legs, run, and be a 'horse'. Being cooped up all the time does him no good. I know Promise would go nuts if she was in that situation, any horse would. I think that is part of his behavior. It may help him if he gets turnout daily. Anyone would go crazy if they were stuck in a box.

I would also recommend telling the new place about him, but being honest about it. You don't want them to see how he is then get upset and you will have to move all over again. 

Good luck, I hope you can find a place ASAP! And one with turnout!


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## Rainaisabelle

I love reading your journal and seeing the adventures you're on. I have to say though to be safe, I know you know what you're doing 100% but I never want to read that you've been injured in an accident.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- Pretty much. New management is good and the barn is more peaceful but it's now sort of a self-care situation. I dont have to feed Wonder. He is fed 3x per day but Miguel helped me find some horse boarding places to look at. There are TONS in my area, I live in the country and TONS of horses and dressage riders. The trainer I REALLY want to train with lives 5min walk from me but board is really expensive and no turnout. And 1 lesson is $75. But she's an incredible rider, was head trainer at Blue Hors! And super sensitive, feeling sort of rider. I think she could ride Wonder beautifully and help me with him. The other trainer's I've seen I think would end up in a wall or with Wonder flipped over the top of them or I'd get on and have to work through a lot. Or ignore half of what they're saying or argue with them about why I cant do what they want. A lot of trainer's like boxes and horses that dont fit their system they write off as bad or useless. In general I prefer to be in a lesson where I just do what my trainer says and maybe I dont completely agree but trust their judgement. 

Tina- I agree. It ****ED me off!! Fortunately we have more time, we have until April. I talked to the new managers but was ****ED his stall wasnt being cleaned. Not fair to Wonder. But basically old barn manager was fired and workers went with her, so no one to clean stalls but they made sure the horses ate.Last time I had to leave a barn on short notice was in late July when I fired that trainer who had Frankie and got kicked out because of that. She was a proper psycho (I knew her for 10yrs) but here nobody is psycho or anything, just bad circumstances. He's always been difficult, even with turnout but he was MUCH easier when he had 14hrs of turnout a day. I was pretty up front with this barn and let them know how he was. I think they maybe didnt believe me or didnt understand what I meant. They were like oh yeah my horse is like that too but then they started trying to work with him and he was too much. I think sometimes when you have a horse like this people either dont believe you and think you're making it up or exaggerating or they dont understand what you mean. And then they interact and then they're like oh sh!t. I had a friend do that too, she had quite a few ideas and is a good horseman and then she started working with him and the understood what I was talking about. Same with when she rode him and she was like watching you ride him Id have had no idea he was like that and she helped me quite a bit. And I get that. Usually when people explain to me a difficult horse, I listen and take it at face value because if they are telling the truth it's better safe than sorry and you just dont know. But I found most of the time people thought a horse was much more difficult, hot, sensitive, quirky, etc than it was. They werent lying to me, they were honest but from different experience backgrounds the interpretation of the behavior was different if that makes sense? I'd hear a horse is very hot a lot and to me it wasn't hot at all just forward thinking and if you have too much seat going to bolt or horses that werent naughty, just needed a program or whatever and then sometimes a horse is way more than someone describes. Or they'd say a horse was very lazy and I'd ride and no problem or it had laterals issues and I wouldnt have a problem. And I've also gotten on horses the rider was like it's a little special and I would listen but not quite understand then I'd ride and go yup you were right. This isnt something that's going to fix in a day. It's going to take a while. Or I dont know. Quite a few horses people would describe to me and I'd believe them but I'd be really curious as to what they meant. And with some you just have to sit on and work with to understand, otherwise it doesnt quite make sense. I know if someone described Wonder to me, Id probably have ideas but I'd be curious and be like well I think I'd have to sit on him or work with him to understand. 

Allison- I agree. I'm pretty up front about how he is, I just think people either dont understand or they think I'm exaggerating or think I dont know what Im talking about. Then they meet him :lol: usually he's a sweetheart in his box and to be around but then sometimes have to watch him because he'll bite and kick at you. He's always done that, for as long as I've known him. Even at the race track. At the time I just thought oh he has ulcers, it'll go away after treatment. A lot of the behavior I dont know where it started with him. I think the track owner I bought him from is a very good horseman and I think very good to his horses (good reputation and everyone I've talked to has said good things about how he treats his horses). But I think before he got him Wonder was mistreated. I think the previous owner likely worked through a lot of issues and I have worked through a lot as well. My trainer back home thought a lot of things when I got Wonder and I think after she worked with him one on one and rode him, her assessment changed a lot. For instance we had about a 2 month period of trying to make him amateur friendly and when I was away for 3wks and she rode him. Then I came back and she was like that just isnt going to happen, you owe it to Wonder to take him with you. There is no way in hell youre going to find someone who can ride him and if you do you wont be happy with what you come back to, etc. She did a really good job with Wonder. 

Right now I'm trying to go see a place that has wood fences. Here when he was on turnout I think he was so impossible to put out and bring in was because the fences were electric and it makes Wonder really really nervous and then he drags people and tries to jump on top. At home they were wood but he also had a cowboy handling him there and he was a really good horseman. He and Wonder got along really well. I brought him in at the stable too and I get why he'd be too much. It was lip chain and whip in hand or he was dangerous. Then he was banned from turnout. In Texas I think one it was 90-100degree while he was there and they said he was wild but good. And two they were racehorse people, so used to fully jazzed difficult horses. I really hope the next stable has people who can handle him. 

Raina- thank you. I dont want that to happen either, I try to be really careful and he's getting better. He's a really sweet horse and cuddly, just I dont know complicated?

A lot of the one's here are used to having a certain quality of warmblood and so they can do the left/right on the bridle and just pump the horse up and get the big quality paces which you just cant do on something lesser quality like Wonder. With the warmbloods (not all, and certainly there are other breeds built on the bit that are easy), making them look correct is super easy because they're built for it and it comes naturally. It's super easy on a horse with that quality.

What Wonder eats

https://www.krafft.nu/en/products/products-all/performance-low-starch/
https://www.dengie.com/horse-feeds/healthy-range/healthy-tummy/
https://brogaarden.eu/collections/tilskud-til-heste/products/brogaarden-rapsolie-5-l

He also gets some mash with his supplements in it, if I put it in his main grain he wont eat it, so this is fed in small quantities with his supplements like 0.5KG. Mashes seem to be a european thing. It's meant for after work. Also note this is per KG, not per lb. About 2.2lbs per KG. I go through 1 bag in a little over a month.

https://www.krafft.nu/en/products/products-all/sensitive-mash/

Lots of haylage, not sure how much hay and haylage. But for lunch I give a big hay net and he gets two big feedings of it. Try to have him able to munch on hay all day. In Europe I really favor krafft products, even if they're Sweedish :lol: 

Magnesium, vitamin E, glucoseamine/chondroitin/msm and electrolytes

Just example me riding a 5mo broke PRE





3yr old morgan filly





Friday not worked in 2wks





This was my favorite ride ever on Frankie, only time she really felt sharp and over sensitive. That's the sort of horse I like to ride. I like something where if you're not focused or you breathe wrong they're listening. That's how sharp an upper level dressage horse needs to be. Seeing the video I definitely agree with Moray, she's beautiful but not a GP prospect. I think she'd do PSG-I1 but after that I really think it'd be hard to keep her sound. I think it'd be really hard on her and she wouldn't stay sound at that level of demand or would be very expensive to maintain.





I loved working with Layla but it is a longer process to develop her. Long in the back, short in the neck, downhill, weak behind, hard for her to sit correctly and take the weight behind and lift in the shoulder. She also had a whole lot attitude :lol: So to condition her for upper level work takes much longer than it would for Wonder. Wonder has different issues but to sit and collect is easy for him.





Not an established collected canter, she's learning the collected canter and to be regular in the canter, getting a true 3 beat canter on her is difficult. Adjustability with the gaits wasnt quite there yet either. 





Vs say Dev or Wonder or Dante or Layla, who dont have that base quality of being "built on the bit." You end up spending a lot of time working through certain issues to get to where they're correct. As well as true in the contact, actually over their back and using their whole bodies. In the US and UK they seem so obsessed with the horse tracking up and poll position as if those were the only things that mark correctness. Truth is it's the whole outline. I've seen tons of horses track up with their poll up who are going poorly because they're not over their back or moving through their body and with a braced under neck and disengaged abs. Id rather see a horse get behind but the trainer is addressing the issues than avoiding issues for fear of people shrieking because the horse isnt perfect. HAVE TO ADDRESS issues and it gets ugly sometimes, cant back off from it. Want a horse to go well, you have to face the fight and there will be a fight. Almost every horse will fight you when you address certain issues and it gets ugly before it gets pretty. But avoiding that fight just means no progress and having a horse go half of what it could. Then once they understand it's not a big deal. But I'll say online the top pros NEVER post those videos because most people are not trainers, have never been trainers and only have experience with a small number of horses and have not really worked to pursue up the levels. So to avoid arm chair experts being obnoxious, they dont post the videos.

My whole point is you have to gear the training to the horse you're working with and it is NOT the same for every horse. Do the same program for every horse and you're setting up the horse's who doesnt fit in that box to fail. For example if you take Wonder and rode him or tried to train him like most thoroughbreds and said oh he's a thoroughbred, so ride him like this then they would fail. I've never ridden a thoroughbred like Wonder. Most thoroughbred I find very easy to work with (For me) it's my ideal type, they're smart, hard working, lots of try, sensitive and have the biggest hearts. They're usually very sensitive vs Wonder is not that sensitive and is not as supple as most tbs. For example if he is slow to react off your leg and you go to get a strong reaction by being stronger in the leg, he just pushes into your leg and refuses to move over. It's hard to explain, if you use too much pressure he pushes into it and goes for the fight vs most horses yield from pressure. With him it's all in the ask and setting him up for the right thing without directly telling him. It's really hard to explain. You can't tell him what to do, just suggest. You tell or demand and he goes straight into the fight but sometimes you have to put pressure on and ask and then frame the parameters of expectation (if that makes sense) and make it very clear, he challenges the parameters and asks lots of questions but that's normal. Most horses ask questions when the work becomes more demanding and something is expected from them, it's a gradual transition of trust and building that release of the body to each other. He's very mental and emotional to ride. I feel like to send him forward it's like I open up my chest and allow the energy to flow and when I ask him to come back I hold my core and close my thighs and tighten my back, as well as shut off the open energy like a valve to flowing water. If that makes sense? If I ask for a lateral movement. I feel like I'm mentally projecting it, as well as just allowing his body to do it.

Half Pass I dont think is very much more difficult than leg yield but the mental idea and introducing it can be tricky because instead of a horse moving away from pressure, he is pushing into it if that makes sense? And I guess I dont get why people make such a big deal about teaching horses lateral movements. We usually had our barely broke horses schooling shoulder in, haunches in, turn on the forehand, walk pirouette (I never let them keep the foot still and pivot like a turn on the haunches) always need a forward moment and not a stuck hoof. Reason piroutes are 4 beat and the pirouette canter is a 4 beat, not a 3 beat. Makes me want to rip my hair out when people attack dressage riders saying it should be a 3 beat when they havent even ridden one. and leg yield or walk to canter and canter to walk. It really depends on the skill of the rider. 

For example the natural horsemanship and driving trainer I worked for I learned an awful lot of horsemanship from. And one thing she said as a trainer, our job is to convince the horse that we arent like other people and we can hear them. We have to let them know we can communicate energy and emotion and interact with a horse in that way. It takes time and I loved working with horses that came from abusive or traumatic situations because those horses teach you a lot. 

Short video of Wonder from today. Helps me see some of the kinks. Feel and sight can be deceptive. He was tired when we got some video, so not our best but gives me ideas. Want to take lessons with the trainer near my home because there is so much she could help us with but dont have $75 to spend on a single lesson. I've looked at other trainers but they either have less experience than I do or they have a methodology that simply doesnt work for us. I dont want to ride in draw reins, or have every answer to a question be smack him or beat him into submission or see sawing like mad and driving the hind legs up and under. It just doesnt work on Wonder. In the trot you CANT push him into it or he gets irregular, most horses you push them forward and get a big, swingier trot. Not so with Wonder. It's why extension can be hard to develop on him. 





Thursday- Wonder was really good on the ground and in hand. He seemed happy and relaxed. We did a lot in hand, not ground work. The in hand seems to be better but it is hard, especially to the right. Really takes a lot of focus and paying attention, like touching whip to hind quarters, outside rein half halt while moving the shoulder over and incorporating the inside rein. Hard to explain but the timing is tricky. Left in hand he is much better, right is him guarding the right shoulder. I really think it's an old habit developed from his old leg injury which is worse on the left. I think he developed a habit of putting more weight onto the right front to protect the left because the left front has more scar tissue and is less elastic. Why even if he wanted to be a jumper, jumping is limited and not advised. But fine for a dressage horse.

Also his grain, they had a 25% off sale SO bought all the bags I could!

Also bought a car, a skoda fabia turbo. I love it and for a REALLY good price. Great condition. Drove 1hr 30m one way to see it. So 3hrs drive.

Psychologist has been SUPER helpful. He said I really need to stop accommodating people to fit my life and standing for who and what I am and learning how to be me without worrying about anyone else. I try to do this with Miguel a lot and he does the same, we're both SUPER independent people so sometimes coming together and being together is hard because we're both so independent. We clash sometimes but that's relationships, I think it's important to butt heads and have those honest discussions. It's hard but honest and reality is for a relationship to work you have to be real, it isnt all rainbows and butterflies or good feelings. Relationships are hard, they're not all good feelings, it's work but should be more happiness than conflict. My psychologist and I have amazing conversations, he is the BEST psychologist Ive ever seen. He really makes me dig and deep and think in ways I never have before. He's very insightful and creative. Amazes me. Not by the book.

SUPER FREAKING busy. I keep trying to catch up on other journals, just swamped atm. Miguel and I are also going for a weekend trip to Iceland in two weeks. Hope it goes well.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Friday- Had a really nice ride on Wonder. Since the ponies all left he's like a different horse. He is SO much less tense and less stressed. He seems more at ease and happy. That makes me happy. On the ground he was very good. Still challenging but when I asked him to yield he did, rather than try to throw his shoulder into me or climb on top of me. Very positive. 

Undersaddle he was lovely. Not perfect. Still that right shoulder, it is the same in hand on the ground as undersaddle and something the chiropractor noted. She thinks because of his previous injuries on his front legs. The left one has more scar tissue. It's a subtle thing but he guards that right shoulder, I can feel it in the half pass right and walk pirouette left. I dont think it affects his changes. He gave me a really good change the other day, could feel him leap through his whole body but on landing tried to take off, rather than stay in rhythm. Really want a saddle with changes work, I'm not strong enough to prevent him from running away. 

I did a lot of posting trot bareback today, he is finally at a point where I can do that and he doesnt take off and I'm finally strong enough to prevent him from taking off and able to maintain his trot. Was able to get so much more lift in his back and swing that way and able to let the reins out in the trot and let him really move through his whole body. Could feel a real difference in him. The extended trot became really clear when I could post and he let out a HUGE gigantic trot, it took my breath away it was SO massive. It felt like a huge surge of power and push off, quite exhillerating. Same in the extended canter, just HUGE. Felt almost like I was being ran off with like on the cusp but the moment I asked him to come back he came back to me in the trot, canter not quite there yet but almost. But in trot he came right back.

Was able to ask for spanish walk under saddle and he got it. Got a few good steps then I think he started over thinking and working himself up and he was levade, levade, levade then back up really really fast, levade. So let him walk on a loose rein and recollect his mind before going back to it. He has a lot of try and he really wants to get it, so sometimes you have to slow him down and ask a few times and if he's confused, break down the pieces or back off and come back to it. Never pressure him when learning, just explain and show. Same in piaffe. He FINALLY got some real steps, it was amazing! I could really feel him bring his hind legs under, back up and lift in the shoulder and it was the step that just felt incredible. When he got a few steps I'd post and encourage him to extend and that seemed to really make a difference. IMO piaffe is a relaxing movement, it shouldnt be created from tension or pressure (when teaching it, you need it as well as laterals to help but as develops no) but an ask and gradually making the trot smaller and smaller and then letting them forward. I've been asked a few times and the beginning is with the introductory half halt, that moment between gaits. For instance the trot to walk or trot nearly walk. Also turn on forehand feeling in the trot to keep engagement. I've seen it taught in several different ways, I hate the whip trained one because it become mere leg lifting and built from mechanical lifting and is not from the whole body coming together. I also find that one is built off of tension and the horse learns to carry tension into it, rather than relaxation. For example I like it because it makes Wonder turn to me, listen and relax. He is best when he has something to think about and do. If I just ask for nothing and try to go free, he is tense, anxious, nervous and neurotic or takes control, challenges and fights me. Depends. So glad he and I are at a point where I can post bareback but the difference in him was big. Also rode in spurs today since it had been a while and I wanted a little more reaction in the laterals. 

Saturday- Checked out the new stable. It's nice, the arena is a little smaller but the oudoor is HUGE, access to trails and they have wood fencing turnout but they dont know if they'll be able to put him out or not. I said he can be a handful and they said they cant guarantee they can handle him. If it is a safety issue, they cant put him out. The trainer I like comes every two weeks and they have trails!! That's important to me!! Still need some other places because Im not sure this is it but we'll see. 

Put Wonder in the arena to play, he was picking up a poll with his teeth. He lifted it a few times then dropped it. And just rolled and seemed happy. I cleaned his stall, got him food. 

Then I rode him and he was AMAZING!! We focused on trot work today. He is now doing spanish walk undersaddle, so that's super exciting. The quality of his spanish walk is much better. Again understanding the piaffe better. He got more true piaffe steps, then I posted and we did medium trot out of it. Giving the rein forward and encouraging him to move through his whole body. Also did a medium canter but have to be careful with how much of that we do because that's when he gets into let's just go-go-go and stops listening. In the trot tapped him a few times on the shoulder and he did some passage steps. So that's cool. It's why I was told to teach the spanish walk, it makes it easy to teach the passage. I also think it frees the shoulders, gives the horse something to think about, figure out how to lower the croup and lift the shoulders. Similar levade really gets them to sit and listen, it's the horse having balance and control of their own body. He's really using his back now and his way of going is much improved. The shoulder in is a lot better. Did quite a bit of walk work and breaking through minor details in the body and bringing him to really curve his rib cage and increase the degree of suppleness in his body. 

I also do an exercise when walking on the buckle of him just following my position and were I look. Think it's important. Same with when we do basics it's all about following my body and position. Also requires me to be strong, so I stay centered and he doesnt break past the set parameters and learns to respect them. 

Then gave him a full body massage and rub and he seemed to like that. Seems to help him. Then stretches and then his protein supplement and mash with supplements. He was really cuddly and in good spirits. Ever since the old barn manager and all the ponies left he has been a different horse. It's like he's taken a big breath and is relaxed. He seems really happy. 

Sunday- Wonder heard my voice and stared me down. Then demanded many cuddles, kisses and pets. He's been really really affectionate this week. Sometimes I wonder if horses go through depression like people. He has periods of time when he's just this sad, lower energy, bitter and angry horse. It lasts a few days to a week every few months. Then he's back to his normal self. 

Lunged him in a halter and he was quite happy and eager to go. He enjoyed his outing. Lunged about 30min and stopped early. Still ready to go but it's his day off. New place should be able to turn him out, if his behavior continues as he has been recently. He's been good. Couldn't let him loose because other horses in the arena. 

Lots of muscle work and stretching. I always pay attention to this and on one hand there is normal soreness. I used to be super neurotic about every little thing but I've learned there is a line of listen to the horse's body but also know how to push past. Just like us they need to push a bit past. Some days you need to push a bit past comfort to build and progress forward, other days stop when you just get happy, fluid and relaxed. Some days you really push and some you just run through a little like a touch up and be done. Just depends. 

I was also thinking about the training pyramid and I dont agree with it 100% I think it is a good outline y but I think you also have to address different issues on horses and it isnt always the same list of priorities. I also see it more so in circular loops of this happens, so then this. For example to get relaxation on Wonder, he needed to be in collection to get any kind of relaxation before you can move him into forward medium or extended paces. Else you ask for forward first and he just overpowers you and doesnt listen or relax into a swinging pace. And now he starts in relaxation. If you just sent him forward into a connection like on most horses he'd just get tight, tense, braced, and fight you. He takes more contact, now you can put the reins forward and he'll meet the contact consistently but a few months ago. Not a hope in h!ll that'd be his ticket to take hold of the bit, bolt and throw nasty fits trying to flip his head and take control. There are a lot of unconventional things I've had to do in the training with Wonder. That's reality of training and why I really dont like the one size fits all ideology or the idea that a horse fits in a set system or doesnt. I think being a trainer and rider means being flexible and understanding the horse you're working with. Not every horse responds the same way or needs the same program. That's reality. Horses are not machines who you can open a book and they respond the same. Have to adjust. 

I think some in conformation in how he moves. He is very uphill and overwhelmingly powerful like I've ridden hundreds of horses and the only one who had the same kind of power was Tiamo who was a stallion of the same size and an alternate for the olympics with Emile Faurie. I think horses that are power movers can be more to organize and arent the most attractive or flashy movers but they do make good GP horses. Just not so good at low levels. It takes a lof strength from the rider. Not to pull against them but to stay in your frame and not get pulled into their line. 

I'll give an example I need to feel the horse push into the bridle before I am able to ask them for collection. A horse that is too light in the bridle is not truly in the hand. Being falsely light is not self carriage. You need some push into it before you can ask for collection, collection

I really wish our saddle fit, I really like my saddle. And also because there are things I can do in the saddle to get more expression and other things. I'm getting stronger, so I can do it bareback too but it'd be nice to have a saddle again. I just dont know of anyone who can fix it to fit Wonder. And it's 200-300 dollars to have it looked at and reflocked and last person wouldn't fix it when I asked. Expect me to pay again and I was like no way. I wish I never had it done. I tried riding him in it on Christmas to go for a hack and all Wonder did was leap in the air, buck, rear and bolt, so had to wait all that out before I could get off and I think misaligned something in his spine. I asked for nothing from Wonder but to walk. I'd like to do more work on changes as well but I really dont feel secure doing too many bareback and I know I wont go anywhere but the amount of strength it takes in my body to bring Wonder back after a change is a LOT. He has clean changes both ways and he definitely knows them but I have to be so careful in my timing. It is NOT like riding a schoolmaster. I remember riding one and schooling 2s and 3s. We did a set of 1s then 2s and 3s. The 1s the horse liked to go auto into, so it was for me to get a really good feel for the change and how to ride and organize them, as well as feel the timing. We ran through an I1 test. I liked taking lessons on that horse, he knew his job and was honest but wasnt going to give anything for free. He was a 14.3h welsh cob x paint cross. I called him super pony. He honestly rode a bit like an arabian, his brain and temperament is arabian. Fun little pony, definitely spunky and sensitive. He'd have a nervous break down if he felt too much spur. I remember one trainer did a great job with him and the other didnt get along with him at all. Cant pressure him AT ALL or he'd just panic. But super pony. I wish I had video of some of our lessons.

Also note there is a reason I dont shoo him away when he comes at me while I'm holding the camera because he often rears when you shoo him and I didnt want to be kicked in the head. Without camera, I move position, so he cant kick me and move him out of my space. Also note he is 171-2cm tall or barely under 17h about 580kg.


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## lostastirrup

Hes so cute and careful on the snow it's adorable! I feel ya on the saddle thing! It's hard to ask for things that you know would be better in the tack, so much better that it's almost not worth it bareback.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- Thank you, he has a really cute personality. He means well and generally has a big heart. 

Exactly, you dont have a better option but have to figure out how to do it bareback and it's tough. Great for innovation though!

Monday

Wonder and I had a really good ride. I turned him into the arena while I cleaned his box. Have to sift everything, so it takes some time but he's not that messy. Then we rode in the snaffle today. If he has a day off, I always ride in the snaffle then the day after the double. There are advantages to each. I think Wonder rides a lot better in the double than the snaffle but the snaffle is good to address some body issues but problem is if you ride back to back in the snaffle, he starts trying to snatch the reins from you and starts his bullying tactics again of using his strength against me. He doesnt do that in the double and the double does NOT give me more power against him but it gives me a different way of applying pressure. And I'm pretty careful about how much curb I use with him because if I use too much curb he gets pretty upset about it. It's hard to explain the difference between the snaffle and the double in terms of feeling. It's something I think you have to ride to feel the differences. 

At the moment I'm sort of flattered because I'm being told Wonder looks easy to ride, it puts a big smile on my face because that's the goal! He's starting to look like he's not hot or particularly quirky. Still have odd ball moments. Like today could NOT touch the inside rein in the canter AT ALL or he would flip his head all the way back and twist something fierce. So outside rein kept and inside leg and had to put it on then off and on-off-on pretty quick to get him true in the outside. To the left I also need to touch him with my right outside leg towards his shoulder to move him over and keep him straight through the shoulder. also have to sit a certain way or he gets really crooked in the hind end. Especially when he is tired. If he is tired he wants to travel haunches in left quite badly. So when he does that I take weight off the inside seat bone and bring my shoulder round. I train mine off of position and to follow position then cue when necessary. 

We did more shoulder in and that really improved the piaffe which we're getting more and more true steps of which is really exciting. His shoulder in has improved a lot since last video. We've addressed some details and getting him stronger. I'm excited we can ride more forward now and he doesnt then take it as an opportunity to take the bit and bolt. He listens and I really think the half steps and piaffe work is a big part of that. Because it requires him to turn to me and listen. I'm excited for where we will go thinking forward, we worked through a lot of rough patches and not he rides much more true and honest. Still has quirks and moments but every horse does. I dont know how he would behave for someone else who really wanted to do something with him. But I do know if they rode too rough in the hands or too much in the leg or were too gung ho mentally or trying to prove a point he'd fight and revert to all the stuff we've worked past. So finding the right balance of someone who could ride him is still a challenge. He is happy to work with you but not for you.

Wonder takes his clothes off. He's a really fun, interactive horse. He cracks me up when he stands on his blanket and looked at his work clothes and is like hello. We work now. That is what we do when the blanket comes off. We go now!





I think he's tired. I think extension is harder for him than collection and it's going to take quite a bit of time for him to really push through in it. He had learned to lengthen his trot before but an extended trot is different, it's more uphill and isnt simply lengthening the stride but pushing off the hind end.





In general I will say I like that Danes are a lot less negative than Americans. In sports it isnt to say they arent competitive and dont work hard but that the outlook is very different. Danes tend to be focused on their own race, they dont tear down others because their race isnt the same. In the US a lot of people just seem to tear down others for every little thing and yes we all do it to some extent but I think culturally there is a lot more hate and negativity in American culture. It seem geared towards insulting, belittling and marginalizing anyone who doesnt think or behave a certain way. As though there is only on right way to think or be, here Danes tend to see it as many roads to do something right and many ways to do something wrong. It's hard to explain but I think Danes see things more in shades rather than black and white. For example in the US having a different political opinion can make people hate each other, even if they're both good, well intentioned people. It's like you dont think how I do, so youre an insult, insult, immature, insecure rant about how evil someone is because they dont agree and then rationalizing the hatred about how they're somehow morally and intellectually superior so allowed to be full of hate. It's both sides, they're just as toxic as the other. And I just roll my eyes and think what BS and get away. I refuse to play into it. When someone argues emotionally, I know anything they say is nearly void of reason or any kind of objectivity and I want nothing to do with them. In general I've pretty much turned off all American news because it's all biased and built from hate. And I dont pay attention to American politics because it leaves me in an unhealthy frame of mind. It makes me feel toxic. Vs in Denmark if you can civilly disagree with someone and actually have a debate based on facts and reason and not emotion. You can disagree with someone and afterwards they dont hate you or behind your back call you evil. Danes approach disagreements with maturity and encourage discussion for growth vs trying to indoctrinate to one frame of mind. I like that a lot and think it is a much healthier outlook that encourages growth. They also look at progress as everyone moving forward vs having to trip someone over to get ahead. I like that too. 

People in the states used to ask me a lot about socialism in Denmark and no I'm not going into a political discussion. And I said it wouldn't work in the US and Americans COMPLETELY misunderstand the Danish system. Completely both left and right are clueless. It works here because the reason it works in Denmark is one it is very small only 6 million people and two the culture is set up that way. Danes have NO tolerance for injustice and feel an obligation to others. For example a bad reputation or if a company screw over a client, their business is basically over because that injustice will spread like wildfire and the business will not recover. Danes dont tolerate it, nor do they tolerate corruption. The money goes to the people, in the US, southern Europe and other places that is not true. It works here because the people fight for it and the legal system is rigid, you cant just hire a good lawyer and get away with things. The law is strict and costly. Danes do not mind paying into the system as long as people pull their weight and have NO tolerance for lazy people. They do NOT make excuses for people who are lazy pieces of sh!t. The culture is very understanding but they dont tolerate BS. If you're in the welfare system you have to apply for jobs and there is only a select amount of time you're allowed to collect a check. Unless something is VERY wrong with you, you dont get a free ride. And not just anyone can use the system. They have a lot of rules which they enforce. They are understanding and compassionate but not bleeding hearts. They also laugh at the hollywood elite and think they're very out of touch and dont understand the American obsession with celebrities or their foolishness. This is not to say Denmark is perfect, there are a lot of different people and ways of being but that the culture as a whole is dedicated to justice and fairness. And it can go over the top but no where is perfect. Danes try to be pretty objective and they dont take everything so personally. The culture is much less egocentric or aimed at everyone being a special flower. In Denmark the idea is more, nobody is that special and nobody really matters but we're lucky to be here.

Back to dressage

The thing I notice different in the British system I was taught vs the Danish system is the collection. For me my idea of collection is the horse meeting the contact from a flow of energy in the whole horses body and when I ask to collect it is because I am sitting the croup down, bringing the shoulders up and can soften both reins in that moment of the croup lowering. Vs Danish system is a lot of left and right action on the mouth and their idea of collection is built from compression and shutting down vs I feel collection is always forward into it vs back into it if that makes sense? For example when Wonder is cantering and we're doing collected canter, when he is there with my seat and sat I soften both reins or if I put both reins forward Wonder meet the contact and becomes deeper and rounder in his frame vs the Danish horse you give the reins and their head comes up because they were never really meeting the contact but held back against it.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Wonder will not be moving to that new stable, they said they thought he'd be too much horse for them to handle and to find a more professional facility equipped with people who can handle him. Bit disappointing. So I may bite the bullet and board with the trainer I really like though they barely have turnout. Lots of places dont have turnout or if they have turnout, they dont have professional handler that could handle something like Wonder. Most of the time he's really good but when he has a moment you have to know what you're doing. If you saw him inside with vets or farriers he is perfect. Easy to clip, even ears, good to be worked on. 

Wonder was good, we had good in hand work and had a good time. Did quite a bit of just asking him to listen and move his body and then how to "park" for the mounting block and basically having Wonder move off of the whip. He can do shoulder in, haunches in, leg yield, half pass, and spanish walk in hand. Can get some piaffe in hand. A few times I have gotten passage but not consistently. He does levade in hand and backs up, etc. Just a process. But basically had him face the block then turn on forehand over and to the block, stand quiet and relaxed. Did this a few times. Each time he did it relaxed and without stress I gave him a back and neck massage. Worked a bit on some muscle groups that he tends to carry more tension in than others. 

I was thinking back on what vets and chiropractors have said about him. When I bought him he was not quite dressage sound. I put a lot into "fixing" him. And with the stifles and things, we did PRP to help. He has clean x rays, I've x rayed nearly everything. Only thing is slight change in right hock but very mild And a slight hook on his stifles. Ultrasounded stifles and they used to get inflammed, now they are better. My vet's theory was that Wonder just needed to get stronger and to help him with PRP so he would use himself better and once the muscles were strengthened he should be fixed. I was thinking with my chiropractor here in Denmark who saw him in October and again about a month ago. She said he was overall a lot sounder and more balanced muscularly left to right and that he seems to be maintaining well. The thing with some mild soundness things is fitness is key. And working through it. Dont push until broke or do too much but work bit by bit. The chiropractor pointed out Wonder has quite tight chest muscles and actually has residual affects from racing which she was able to work out. He had weird muscles around the girth area, I thought was just from a racing girth and scar tissue. She was able to work it out so it's normal. He's also funny about his right side core muscle but with strength he is much less sensitive about it. Chiropractor said doesnt see anything ulcer related (we did an ulcer treatment before he came and for about 8wks after I bought him). 

Im also very grateful I did quite a bit of rehab work, working with vets and trainers on what to do to make horses sounder. Had some interesting horses to work with and learned some tricks with mechanical lameness (case where horse is not hurt but has a shortness due to previous injuries). And how to improve range of motion and improve their way of going. Horses that had advanced EPM before treatment takes a long time to rewire their bodies and help them connect the whole self. Quite tricky and takes a lot of patience. One in particular made a full recovery. Some get a bit better but never quite right. It's about reinforcing the nerve connection between mind and body. I did this about 7 or 8 years ago. Funny to think about. I originally learned some massage, stretching and muscle work then. Then used it a lot with Dante and how to work muscles, then had massage therapists, chiropractors, etc show me better ways or other ideas. I like growing that way, I love the discussion, always learn something and grow further. 

Had a talk about how as humans we never really forgive and forget, we always remember. Like our brains are data banks of storage for information that pops up from time to time and best not to get sucked up into that void. 

Wednesday

Rode Wonder we did mostly walk and posting trot work and minimal canter work because I think his hind end and body is a bit sore from the increased amount of extension we've been doing and the increased expectation of collection. So we did a bit of extended trot and we had a few that were HUGE and I was like WOW. Hard part is that if I do too much extended work, he tends to take over. So a bit of piaffe to extended trot and a few times expanding the extended trot. We did a massive extended canter down the long side then he ran off and wouldn't let me turn him or organize to come back so ran into the wall. I think he's a bit sore and truthfully staying in rhythm and engaged is harder on the musculature. The forward work is a bit easier and he was very happy and thrilled.

Did a long muscle massage session with Wonder and a bit of stretching. Our ride was maybe 30min. Kept it short and lots of walking. Some basic exercises and spanish walk. 

We walked over some cross rails on the ground and again Wonder is telling me he is not a jumper. The first time I walked over it and expected him to follow and he just stopped and looked at me like uhhh I dont know what you're thinking lady but this going over sticks thing is really stupid. So we walked over them and then did a small grid and every single time he just tore it down and I'd have to re-set it and I was like okay. It was kinda hilarious, it's the laziest thing I've ever seen him do. It's like he's saying I just dont care, this is stupid. We've done polls and cavaletti for over a year. I've also jumped him some, up to like 2'3, he'll do it but I literally have to funnel him to the jump and if I dont have his shoulders absolutely between my legs he will run out at the last minute every time. He doesnt like it. In hand he's way worse, horrible dirty stopper and I'll be honest as an eventer (this was like 10-13yrs ago) I've never made a stopper. All of mine were pretty gung ho. So when Wonder stops I'm like wow he hates this. I would NEVER take him xc, I think he'd try to bail at every opportunity and for an event horse or jump I like having something who looks for the fences and is plenty game. Kinda sad I have almost no jumping or cross country pictures and no video, except what little jumping I did with Dante. But my parents were cheap and I was cheap and didnt want to buy them from the shows and our arenas in Oregon and Washington state were super dark. Remember having to have film developed? lol I know not that long ago, just amazing how much has changed since then. I showed to training level, schooled about 3'3-3'6 before I stopped jumping.

These pics range from 2005 to I think 2007?

Old video from 2007. My horse was an unraced, sport bred thoroughbred named Kahlua. He was about 17h. Bigger bodied than Wonder, not as much loading power but still strong. Gentler soul but incredible jumper. Freak. He could have done intermediate or advanced with a real eventer. VERY game, VERY bold, VERY strong, VERY clever with his feet and could get himself out of trouble. I used to have to use my whole back setting him up for fences and you couldnt adjust him too close to the fence cross country, had to be about 8 strides out or he'd take offense and just take off from wherever you corrected him. Tact and timing. He taught me a lot. Fell off of him more than any other horse. He was very handy with his feet, we did some incredible trail rides up in the mountains. He was quick thinking and could get himself out of trouble pretty well which I think is absolutely necessary in an event horse and he was very talented. I wonder what he might have been like if I had him now. He wasnt really hot, just quirky. Not a straight forward ride, very special brain but he was kind and really forgiving. I made a lot of mistakes with him but part of the process. Cant beat myself up about it. He really was quite a nice horse and had a lot of super qualities. I see his paces and I'm like man what I could do with that now. Could make him move 10x better. He had a better trot than Wonder but Wonder has so much more sit and push power. Just a different type. I think Kahlua was a lot more lofty moving and Wonder is a total power mover. Meaning Wonder really pushes off the ground with power and Kahlua was much lighter off the ground and had more swing in his back. Wonder when he moves, moves with intensity and determination vs Kahlua was just going. His paces if I had him now instead of then would have been much much better. I think he'd have quite a lot of suspension in the trot and a very nice round canter with a more open walk and power behind. But both thoroughbreds around the same height but very different breeding and attitude about jumps. Kahlua would lock on and you couldnt take him off once he was set on a fence and had to basically ride defensive, a bit behind the motion and make sure he waited. My trainer rode him over I think a 4ft fence and he took off from one canter poll and landed on the other side of the other canter poll without touching the fence. Freak. She made him wait next time but he had some serious scope and talent for fences. Really back popped over big fences, had to stay behind else land on his neck. and wouldnt be prepared for the next fence. Had to think fast with this guy. Lots and LOTS of grid work so bounces over 3'3 cross rails. to really teach me how to sit back and for his to wait. Timing the half halts made me better.


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## SueC

Just love that clip where Wonder takes his blanket off. He's so interactive! 

Those were interesting reflections on Denmark vs US culturally. That's similar to my experience of Australian culture vs Europe, where I spent my first 11 years, and where I worked again for a bit as an adult. Maybe it's a colonial hangover, I don't know. It's a bit like small man syndrome. When Australians lose at the cricket, it's like a national disaster, it's so silly.... Some say it's that the rejects and oddballs were sent out to the colonies and the religious nutters. Australia and the US are far more anti-intellectual than Europe, and far more materialistic cultures, and not as group-minded and don't have the same sense of civic responsibility - there's so much, "I'm all right, to hell with everyone else" here. And the slanging off that you're mentioning, and jumping on people who are different, or who come from a different country. Having said that, there's also a heck of a lot of decent and emotionally mature people I know both in Australia and in the US.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you. I think he's a lot of fun too :-D

That makes a lot of sense! I have not been to Australia but I imagine it has a lot of similarities to the US, UK and Canada. I think the culture is fairly similar. All culturally linked, I think because of language and history. I think maybe we just notice the most obnoxious, loudest ones because most people stay quiet and dont bother with the psycho, pseudo-intellectual, egomaniac, self obsessed ones. 

Update

Miguel and Wonder did a lot of bonding. I'm actually SHOCKED by how well they get along. Wonder trusts him absolutely. I taught a bit on how to do some ground and lunge work and then taught some riding and then let them experiment and they're coming together. Cant let him trot Wonder much because he is CRAZY bouncy, even his jog trot has a lot of hang time. And if you aren't able to organize Wonder in the trot then you cant do anything with him. So a ways from him being able to trot Wonder on his own and would be different if I had a saddle and he could post trot on a lunge line but not sure how much I trust Wonder there. But then again Wonder may surprise me because they work as a team, I've put a lot of different riders on Wonder. This is the only person Wonder, besides me Wonder will walk like this for. Ive never seen Wonder take to anyone like that. Miguel rode him by himself while I cleaned Wonder's box and made his dinner and all that stuff. Miguel also soothes Wonder and brings him down immediately if Wonder gets upset. Wonder took off from Miguel in hand and Miguel brought him back. Wonder was snorting and upset and Miguel just comforted and petted him and Wonder settled right down. He has really good instincts. I remember Wonder reared straight up once when he was handling him and Miguel brought him right down like a professional and soothed him. I'm really impressed. He has almost no horse experience, except for a few lessons as a kid.

Saturday Wonder was really relaxed and happy, I think Wonder would become a problem if did this all the time (he was getting annoyed by not understanding the communication and being touched in the mouth when not a clear reason why). But he was really good. Miguel is doing a nice job too, 3rd or 4th time riding. He also learned how to leg yield on Wonder. And feel footfalls in the walk. I explained feeling the footfalls are essential to lateral movements, it tells you when to apply and take off an aid. And I know that wont make sense to him right now but it will give the idea in his head for something to feel for and get. But he can feel when Wonder's hind inside foot leaves the ground.









Sunday something seemed off. He looks sound but he just doesnt seem right. He was also getting testy and irritated with Miguel, so I got on and he was really not in a good mood. So then I lunged and was like yeah something isnt quite right. So I'm giving Wonder a break. We've had some breakthroughs last week but this is the first time I've ever felt like he needs a physical and mental break. I think something is starting to hurt him, he's not quite himself in the work and doesnt have his heart in it. He's always the type to ask questions and test the limits and he's not been bad. Just feels like he isnt thrilled to work. He doesnt have as much heart or try. He seems a bit lackluster which is just not Wonder. I may have a vet out to look at him, cant get wormer without a vet and I suspect he needs to be wormed for something. Hasnt been wormed since July? But the increased inflammation and him being "tired" in temperament worries me. I think he's happy and I was RELIEVED when I took him outside and he was passaging and jigging and snorting. So I know he's okay but not 100%. I just notice changes and observe. I know something is "off" if he's lackluster and unenthusiastic. Same during summer when it's really hot, his uncomfortable is quiet.

He's also started swelling more in his joints and having some inflammation which is new. Will start icing him again 15min every day. But that concerns me. The heat is minimal and it is very slight but I like to nip things in the bud before it escalates. I'm known for being neurotic about this kind of stuff but I pay attention because when you notice these things. To me it signals he needs a break and if not better in a week or two then I'm having the vet out. 

Also no longer using the hay net, it's creating weird muscle tension in his neck. When I ride I dont feel it but in the muscle work I feel it and see it when he eats from the hay net and dont want to need the chiropractor out over a hay net! 

So this week is just turning him outside for a little bit, massages and muscle work, stretching, ice therapy, and hand walking. No mental pressure. I feel like this is the first time ever I can do that and it wont become dangerous. A month ago, I think he'd have kicked my head in if I gave him 3 days off. He was a total workaholic and NEEDED a purpose and direction or he was super naughty. Now he isnt like that and I think he is emotionally more balanced and more settled but I also think something is not 100% and that's why he's kinda lackluster. Because on sunday it wasnt like a happy, relaxed, balanced horse. It was like a I'm doing this but Im hurting and then on the lungeline I could see it in how his back moved and his right hind. So he gets a break.

Also tomorrow is Wonder's birthday!! He turns 9!!

Monday
He perked up outside but inside he sometimes seems almost depressed, the barn is almost empty down. Person causing stress in barn was kicked out and took all the ponies and riders with them.


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## lostastirrup

Glad you found a man your horse approves of. That's super important.


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## SueC

:happy-birthday8: Wonder!

That's super excellent, the way your man and your horse are getting on. Animals have great instincts for knowing which people are kind and empathetic and have a good heart.

Looking at your outside run turnout session, and the background scenery, I'd just be itching to get around the countryside on my horse and explore! Is that something you and Wonder ever do, to let your hair down? The beauty in Europe, as opposed to Australia, is that not everything is fenced off, and people have public right of way on service paths etc, and to ride across harvested grain and corn fields. That makes it so much easier to get around on horseback! :cowboy:

That's such a beautiful horse you've got, the fluidity and expressiveness of his gaits, and the spring in that trot, and just the whole package! A real "Renaissance Man" type horse - athlete and brains in one.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- it really is and he's really fond of Wonder. He sent the pictures to his mom who really liked the photos of him cuddling with Wonder. They love each other.

SueC- Thank you! Wonder says thank you too! 

I agree 100% and I trust Wonder because he is VERY skeptical of people, especially men. He can become very aggressive if he doesnt like someone. I've seen him grab someone with his teeth and drag them into his chest before (long time ago). It's something that concerns me with when I leave for an extended period of time is finding someone who can look after him and nurture the playful, cheeky side and not the aggressive, mean side he has in there. Because that side could EASILY be brought out if he's treated wrong or in the wrong environment. With Miguel, he brings out Wonder's kind, playful side. Wonder tries to take care of him, he takes advantage some too but he doesnt try anything like I've seen him do with other people. Most people climb on and cant walk him on a loose rein because he's fighting for dominance and control. And they werent rough, over confident type riders. They were nice, feeling, sensitive riders but maybe not strong or assertive enough? It's a weird balance and I dont know what the secret is. I'm learning.

I would think Australia and riding in the outback would be lovely, though I'll say the wild animals may concern me. As I'm not a local. I grew up in the Pacfic Northwest of the US. So we had cougars, bears, coyotes, wolves, etc. Ran into coyotes and wolves before on a trail ride. Thought a cougar once because it got eerily quiet so on a trail a friend and I turned our horses around and walked. But yes a goal is to find someone who can fix my saddle, so I can take Wonder out and do more trail riding (I dont trust him bareback), I think I'll stick but he can bolt and be gone in a blink of an eye. I want more support for my safety. We have lots of places we could haul to. Miguel is talking about taking Wonder on hikes with us. I wish we had another horse for him to ride, I think he'd really enjoy that. The beach is another destination for Mister Wonder. Riding out is a pleasure and I think really good for their mind.

Thank you  I think so too. He's a special horse, most heart I've encountered in a horse. He has a vibrancy and love of life I love in him. He's passionate. And yes I love his trot too :lol: very very bouncy but so fun. There is a lot more trot in there. Will be interesting to see what he moves like in a year or two. We call him a magnificent [email protected]!

Also Happy Birthday song to Wonder, sorry I am not a singer





Overall busy day ahead. Lots of paperwork and studying needs to happen because Miguel and I are going to Iceland for a few days. I have friends looking after Wonder while I'm gone. So he WILL be getting out of his box. 

Wonder's posture really concerned me yesterday he was dropping his right hind and not wanting to engage his core to the right The issue is in his back, this means chiropractor as well as to keep him working or the muscles get tight and locked and make him uncomfortable. Lunged then rode for a bit and his posture was much better and the muscles around the spot were not nearly as tight. He looked more comfortable. Reason I rode after I lunged is because riding I can get him to use his back a lot more than lunging. The part affected is further back on his back behind the "saddle." And can do more to get the muscles to relax and get some movement in the area. Rather than muscles bracing or not engaging and pulling everything worse. Afterwards posture much better and he looked a lot more comfortable in his body. So chiropractor needs to see him when I come back and he also needs his teeth done. So that's a priority and Wonder's birthday present from me. 

Icing the legs and stifles seem to be helping as well.

Also picked up my car, 1st picture is me at the train station. Maybe a little grumpy because when I dropped off the rental they were quite rude and trying to make me pay additional fees. Have to fight for fairness. And sort of a long alternating between buses and trains. Not a fan of public transport and it is expensive. New car is a skoda fabia diesel turbo. Gets about 50mpg and I love the engine. It is black. I joke I needed a black car to suit my black horse.

Then Wonder's transformation over the past year and half. two first ones are around when I brought Wonder home. 3rd I think is in October after bringing him back here. Then the others I think are from December and January? And of course there is Elmer the super pony and Wonder. They're stable mates 

Was also laughing because Wonder was supposed to be my project and then I'd sell him :lol: didn't happen. Also that he ended up being a GP prospect, I did not buy him for that but I remember I sat on him the first time and I looked at my trainer and I said this horse is going to do the GP. She looked at me and laughed. Told me I was crazy and then a month later, she said you know what Cassie I think Wonder could do the GP. Moray also said of my two horses that Wonder was the GP horse and the trainer I worked for here said Wonder had the ability too. He's the only horse I've ever sat on in my life and thought this horse will do the GP. Never thought that before on anything I've sat on, broke, etc. I dont know why I said or thought that. The moment I sat on Wonder it was a different sort of feeling from any horse I'd ever ridden before. I've ridden fancier horses but Wonder's something different. Something special. I dont know what it was but I think his heart and spirit. I love his intensity and enthusiasm.


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## knightrider

Wow, what an improvement in Wonder's look! You've done so much with him!

I just wanted to comment on Wonder's bonding with Miguel. My husband also wanted a horse to ride with me. We looked at lots of horses, but he didn't like any of them. He was a beginner rider, but he wanted something with pizzazz. Hard to find something gentle and jazzy at the same time.

My friend had a super hot and crazy horse he wanted to sell because he couldn't foxhunt with him. I loved this horse so much. He was full of energy and fire, but not one mean bone in his body--completely honest. My husband took one look at others riding him and said, "No way. I would never ride that horse."

My friend was quite anxious to get Red Pepper sold because he'd already bought a suitable fox hunting horse, so I agreed to take him just to ride him quietly on trails and see if we could get him calm enough that some brave soul would possibly buy him. When I got him to my house, he was full of fire, so I knew it was going to be a real project.

I'd only had him 4 days, and he hadn't calmed down in the slightest, when my husband said, "I'd like to take MY horse for a ride." I said, "Oh no, he's not ready yet." But my husband wanted to try. He climbed on Red Pepper (full name Red Hot Chili Pepper, and boy, did it suit him) and immediately Red began walking calmly. He rode him for 2 hours that day, and Red never did a hot or spirited thing the whole ride. On the way home, my husband said, "I've found my horse."

We kept him until he died. He was spirited, difficult, and firey for other people, but my husband could gallop, jump, and race him, and afterwards he'd just calmly walk. Not with anyone else. I miss that ol' boy. We loved him so much.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you, he's been a joy to work with. He's tough but a pleasure. He's hard to put muscle on, he's built to be lean. 

That's amazing that your husband and Red were so instantly bonded! It absolutely amazes me the touch some people have with certain horses. And how horses bond with certain people in such a way that they are absolutely in tune with some and not others. It's really amazing. I'm glad Red and your husband had such a close bond, that sound really special! Sometimes I think maybe spirits just reach out to one another and create a harmony? Whatever the reason Red sounds like he was a very special horse  he is lucky to have been so well loved and appreciated.

Miguel and Wonder seem to have that bond. Unfortunately Wonder is really uncomfortable to ride. His canter is nice but massive and the trot is just all spring. I had a friend who rode a lot of young wbs, her personal horse has a massive springy trot. But when she rode him she was in shock. She said she couldn't post his working trot, it's a lot of trot and I said I understand. I've been bounced out of the saddle in his long and low trot. It's ridiculous how bouncy he is. So that's why Miguel cant ride Wonder out yet. I think he'll be able to when I have a saddle and he has more feel and experience. He has good balance. He's very athletic and has done all kinds of things like off roading motorcyles with the jumps and all that stuff and on mountain bikes, etc. 

I'm still seeking a competent fitter to fix my saddle, just not sure where to look.

Rode Wonder tonight, he was really good and very happy to work. He felt like he was really moving through his body and in general enthusiastic. Now that he's figured out spanish walk undersaddle, if I at all shift back and put my legs forward he is like I GOT THIS!! Wonder knows how to levade, spanish walk and rein back. Rein back is sit forward legs back and alternate with a bit more rein pressure, spanish walk is sit more on the pockets and touch his shoulder with the foot and alternate which one you want lifted, then levade is sit more center and it's hard to explain, almost like rein back but with lift. Piaffe I have to be mindful of how it sit and ask, I need to look up and really think of being on the spot and he gets it but at the same time still generate the power from behind and lifting up in my body. Hard to explain. It's a feeling. And I have to be more on the spot. Half pass is like a haunches in, body positioned in direction of travel, horse pushing into the inside bend. If want steeper less speed and more angle. Bit strong half halt when the foot lifts and falls (I know confusing, feeling). We dabbled a little in the changes and he definitely has them. No problems getting a clean change both ways and plenty of jump into them. But I'm not strong enough to bring him back following the change, sitting against him in the canter takes SO SO much core and back strength. He is SO powerful and can whip you around so fast, it takes a lot of core and back to not get whipped away in his power. I am dead serious when I say he is one of the most powerful horses I've ever ridden, it's incredible. I think when he is stronger and the collected canter is more self going then the changes will be a breeze. I think eventually tempi changes will be easy for him. I wish my trainer back home could do tempi set changes on him. She was brilliant at that, I think Wonder will get it easily. 

Another thought and this is something I'm kinda a proud of myself for, I'm actually starting not to care what people think. If people hate me or dislike me I'm like okay. I dont really care, it's more of a reflection of them then it is me. I dont really hate or dislike anyone, it's too much work and I dont like living in those thoughts. I prefer to focus on the way forward towards being better and doing better. If people want to judge and be nasty, that's on them. I dont have the energy to give a [email protected] If they're unhappy with themselves and their lives to look down on me, it's not my problem. And that is empowering. 

Struggled a bit with hypomania, thoughts are so rapid it is physically painful sometimes. Sleep has been poor. Hard to focus. Thoughts arent linear, more in these loops that jump from track to track. Im more cautious when hypomanic because my judgement isnt the same and Im less aware. Should have known it was coming, I was super paranoid a week ago. Now Im bordering on europhora and have to keep bringing my balloon down, so it doesnt float away. It's impossible to explain. I simply dont trust my perception when Im like this. But I have to keep it tapped down or I do get to where Im up until 2am brain storming about weird "brilliant" ideas that will revolutionize the world and change the way we all think :eye roll: just cant help it. So have to keep my balloon from floating up too high.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Alright off to Copenhagen then Iceland for a few days. 

Also to clarify my point of last paragraph was to say the perception is distorted. I am aware of my delusions so it helps me manage them better. Perception IS NOT reality. You have to keep realigning your mind to reality. It's a strange way of thinking, very scrambled and makes you go into this space of your brain saying this is brilliant, trans formative and youre telling yourself, no this is nothing special. Enough. If brain is allowed to go freely it is physically painful, the thinking is SO fast, rapid and there is so much at once. It hurts. Have to keep it in check, so it doesnt boil over. Dont want to get lost in it.

Two old pics of Wonder, rest more recent. And on the ground from yesterday. I like how he goes much better now. He moves through his back much much more. And I guess it amuses me how fixated on nose position and legs people are that they dont look at the back or HOW the horse moves through it's body. Reading all the threads about contact, it is interesting how simple or advanced a concept it can be. I like more push from the horse in my hand. I like feeling the impulsion from their hind quarters in my hand and body and using a half halt in my core and body to regulate it. When you have that kind of impulsion it creates it a heavier horse and you want to feel that. When the horse is so light in the hand, it's not really meeting the contact or really pushing through it's whole body which is the goal. I want to feel the swing and whole horse moving through it's body. Which truthfully if you have a horse who isnt going to go past 2nd level then I guess it doesnt matter that much but if aiming for the high levels cant ride it like a 2nd level horse. Have to expect and ask for more. 

Wonder 1 month of dressage training. This is appropriate, this is what a training level horse should look like. Just going, accepting contact, in rhythm, regular and no pressure. Simply learning how to meet the contact without the complication of having to push into it or really lift the back or push through the whole body to generate impulsion. There is no sit, just forward into a contact and to stay in rhythm and follow me. Not adjustable or on the aids enough to ask for something like a half pass or collection, nor should it be at this stage. Training level way of going is not a mid or upper level way of going. Couldn't ask for a change with any organization like this. Also note how hot it was here, like 34C or 93F





Here impulsion is present, needs more bend on circles and other things to improve on. The contact or push I feel in my hand is a lot more here but he power generated in his body is a lot, lot more and I'm organizing more in my hand. This is a horse you can half halt and ask for a half pass or ask for a collected pace from him, Can ask for a change and it not be totally scrambled. The way they go and feel changes and needs to depending on what you want. I still encourage him to be longer in the neck. And here I'd want him both rounder in the neck to give his underneck muscle and also to stay long. I feel he stays longer in the neck in the double but the danger there is he tries to curl more when he gets tired. 

I prefer the double on Wonder because he carries a lot less tension. He's straighter, more supple and elastic but I cant ride him in the double all the time because sometimes it's easier to address certain issues in the snaffle. I always ride snaffle first if he's had a few days off then the day after the double. If I just ride in the double, I feel the contact quality isnt the same and if I ride too many in the snaffle he really started snatching at the bit and pulls my back out from trying to get him to respect the boundary. Is it how it should be a theoretical, ideological world? No but it's how it is and I prefer to live in the land of reality than the land of make believe and how we think it should be.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Alright Iceland was amazing!! We had a really good time. Had one hike that was a bit rough 14km total with 78kmph winds in freezing temps. Was pretty brutal and I'm a former Marine. I know tough hikes. Carried 37kg for 16km. We didnt eat anything fancy, just focused on the trip. Did the golden circle. Also spent time in the secret lagoon and relaxed. We had a good time.

But also had some flashbacks to some bad things. PTSD type stuff, I started hyperventilating and it felt like a panic attack coming. Just really bad memories surfaced in my mind and I couldnt turn them off. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow. I couldn't control or manage it, I think it happens when my feelings of attachment and connection deepen and it triggers a great deal of fear and anxiety in me. I told him it was just from being tired but I think it's because Im scared. Im really scared because this could be it and Im scared. My trusts issues magnify times ten when I start feeling vulnerable and attached. I talked to my bf about it and I know it's not easy but open and honest communication is important. I try to make sure he knows it's not his fault and there isnt anything he can do but listen and just reassure me and let me know its okay. The abuse I've experienced by exs is not normal, it was traumatic. I literally dont know how to talk about some of the trauma, especially when it resurfaces like that. I can talk when I think of it as the past but the trigger made me relive it all. My body just started shaking and I was struggling to breathe. I'm just lucky he wants to understand me and doesnt run. I told him how hard it is for me to open up. On one side I'm very open and dont care if people know, on the other there are some things I just dont talk about because then people either say oh get over it, you're pathetic when they dont have a f#cking clue what you went through or they feel sorry for you.

Wonder was REALLY happy to see me and forced cuddles :lol: he was SO anxious to get back to work! 

Wonder's extended trot


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## DanteDressageNerd

Some video from today. It is not perfect and his trot easily becomes irregular or gets hiccups. Really hard to organize his trot but it's coming. Step by step. Lots to improve on but it's coming. Sadly the half pass and laterals didnt get on camera and I said that was okay if they were missed. Glad to have something. Helps me a lot. Would love a trainer but very expensive. Way too easy to make this horse irregular or get a hiccup in the trot, have to have a constant 1-2 in my head and constantly be organizing it in my core and drawing the back up. If I push a breath too much he hiccups in the trot. I think this will always be a struggle but Im hoping with strength and more coordination it will improve. Would also help if I had a saddle and could post, that helps.






He ran off with me in the changes. I'm simply not strong enough bareback to hold him back with my core and keep my position following the change. He pulls so hard and not matter how hard I hold my core, I cant keep him back. I think will be a lot of circles following landing from a change for a while. He likes them.





His piaffe is coming





Talked to a friend of mine who has her L judge and has shown higher level and she said he's improved a ton and that she can see the trot irregularity and that we need to work more on establishing that clear rhythm with transitions, etc. And also that he looks overwhelmingly powerful and like he's trying to take over quite a bit. He was super strong in the bridle today and no the tension in the bridle you see is NOT me pulling on him, it is him pulling on me. He kept wanting to pull down and curl, I let him get too down in the extension atm because I wanted him to get the idea. He didnt go as big today as he has but his good moments also weren't at an angle to see. Finding that balance is tough, especially without eyes on the ground. Would love a trainer. The only way I can get him to back off the bridle is by sitting his croup down and half halts with the core and back. I'm still not strong enough when he really wants to tank off. It takes so much strength to organize him. He's a blast to ride though and a very good horse. His behavior has been really really good and he's overall quite happy. He'll still bolt, he bolted with me today and it was him just feeling good.

Also cant lunge him in a halter, he drug me all over the arena. There was nothing I could do and he'd do this hilarious spanish trot type step when he'd hit the halter and pull on me. Also did something I've never seen a horse do before, we were canter I was in the right position with my body and all of a sudden he spun around and almost wrapped the lunge line around his neck and I was like how the h#ll did that happen? Scared me, he does not think like a normal horse. I am never lunging him in a halter again. Put the bridle on and lunged a bit and he was good. He's is totally the type who if he knows he can get away with something and over power you, he will.

Might have found someone who can fix my saddle. I REALLY REALLY hope so. It's a good saddle but was not properly flocked and the rear needs to be softened a lot. It was flocked putting too much pressure in the shoulders and the balance is off making the saddle bridge and punish Wonder. Cant ride in it at all. Last time I tried, even to trail ride all he did was leap in the air, rear, buck and bolt until I got it off of him.

Still struggling with bipolar disorder and think I need on proper meds for it. I need mood stabilizers for this. I feel crazy, the paranoia and delusions are too much and making me like a rattled cage trying to separate reality from fiction.


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## gottatrot

Even my small Arab mare could overpower me if I was bareback, so I think you'll have a lot less issues once your saddle is fixed. I don't think it's just about how strong your core is, but there is nothing solid you can fix against without a saddle (or even in a treeless saddle, my mare would take advantage). So the horse can pull your entire weight forward quite easily.

Are you pretty sure the saddle will fit well just with reflocking? The bridging makes me wonder if it is actually too curved for his back shape. Sometimes the quality of the saddle like a Passier I bought makes you want to keep it, but even though the tree fit the panel shape just didn't match my horses so I had to sell it.


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## SueC

those Iceland photos, thanks for sharing! Particularly how the chapel walls were painted by the low-angle sun through stained glass; fabulous...

Watching you riding Wonder, I thought, "Well, here's a person who, if they visited in their :tardis:, I could simply hand my horse for a ride without having to say anything!" There's not too many people in this world I would say that about. Your instinct for riding is just so obvious from your clips.

A friend's daughter lives with bipolar. She's an artist. It's quite a road to be on. On the flip side, how much do you think not being neurotypical has contributed to the way you work with horses?

Sending best wishes! :blueunicorn:


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> SueC- Thank you! Wonder says thank you too!
> 
> I would think Australia and riding in the outback would be lovely, though I'll say the wild animals may concern me. As I'm not a local. I grew up in the Pacfic Northwest of the US. So we had cougars, bears, coyotes, wolves, etc. Ran into coyotes and wolves before on a trail ride. Thought a cougar once because it got eerily quiet so on a trail a friend and I turned our horses around and walked. But yes a goal is to find someone who can fix my saddle, so I can take Wonder out and do more trail riding (I dont trust him bareback), I think I'll stick but he can bolt and be gone in a blink of an eye. I want more support for my safety. We have lots of places we could haul to. Miguel is talking about taking Wonder on hikes with us. I wish we had another horse for him to ride, I think he'd really enjoy that. The beach is another destination for Mister Wonder. Riding out is a pleasure and I think really good for their mind.


Hmmm, those wild animals in the Pacific Northwest would concern me far more than what I meet in this part of Australia: Kangaroos, possums, and bandicoots. We don't have any native carnivores of significant size since the extinction of the Thylacine, which was displaced by the dingo, which came from areas north of Australia. Dingoes don't survive in our local area either; introduced European foxes are a pest on the wildlife (I like foxes, but those colonial English toffs who wanted to fox-hunt in Australia too should never have been allowed to import and release them onto this continent, they've caused so much ecological damage).

I won't have to show you kangaroos, I'm sure! 

We have two types of possum here, both a little smaller than a domestic cat. They live in trees mostly. Brushtail possum, with baby:










Ringtail possum:










Baby bandicoots:



These were orphans I found on a dead mother when walking the dog on the coast, and took to a wildlife carer for raising and release back into the wild. They grow up to look like this:










So, that's all fine, and kangaroos are a bit like deer - green horses can get startled by them!

While we live quite remote, we don't live in the Australian Outback - that would be too hot and remote for me!  The Outback typically looks like this:



















It's mostly unfenced wild land, or rangelands where cattle graze.

We live in a coastal dairy/beef district, with lots of native vegetation conservation areas. I took a camera on a ride recently and took about 50 photos, so people can see exactly what it looks like here:

https://www.horseforum.com/member-j...s-other-people-479466/page151/#post1970681183

There's your vicarious Australian trail ride! ;-) 

Hope your saddle gets sorted soon, and that you can get to explore Denmark with Wonder! :charge:


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## DanteDressageNerd

Gottatrot- Truthfully I dont know. My tree is designed for a straight backed horse and the panels are deep so can be adjusted quite a bit. Debbie (the maker of the trilogy saddles) I know could fix it so it fits Wonder perfectly but I dont know how many other fitters have that sort of eye or talent. Debbie fits olympic riders in the US but her fees are less than the fitters here! I think the saddle needs to be lifted in front to fix the balance but the rear pannel needs to be softened and the panels themselves need angle to make contact with his back. The person who flocked it made the panel flat, rather than angling the panel to fit to his back. I rode him in the saddle on Saturday. He really didnt want to bend left and I had to lean off the right side quite far because the saddle it tilted. The balance is wrong. Wonder has asymmetrical shoulders which are better than they were but the balance is way off and rotates from right to left. It's too wide and not angled properly. I used my pad to fill out the whole saddle but I think it's a flocking issue and finding someone good enough to fix it.

But definitely horses have SO SO much more power than we do, it's amazing to me that they listen and work with us. Truly amazing I think! 

SueC- Yes Iceland was really amazing! Miguel took even better photos than I did. He has a good eye!

I appreciate the Dr Who reference ;-) but thank you, I'll take it as a high compliment. I try to listen to the horse and be who the horse asks me to be. I have my line or limit but when I first sit on a horse. I do a test like how much does it take to ask for turn on the forehand? How much to go? How much to stop? Etc and establish and basic understanding between me and the horse before I ever take off and just ride. I want the horse to understand me and me to understand them. I always try to ride like we're having a conversation built on respect. I feel like the horse is sort of telling me where to put my body and weight and when to apply an aid to have them travel, balanced, straight and keep their focus on me. Not perfect but always improving.

Yes! A lot of bipolar people are very creative and do a good job. The two poles can be pretty extreme and worst is when they're mixed episodes which I tend to get. But it adds a lot of color to a person and I think it makes me more emotionally intelligent or aware and I think more sensitive to animals? Hard to explain. My psychologist has been really helpful.

The outback looks amazing!! I didnt know they had bandicoots, I thought they were a made up animals from a 90s sony playstation game Crash Bandicoot :lol:

Weekend was really amazing but Wonder was quite naughty. Lesson learned. I cannot trust Wonder, he has not changed over a new leaf and he will not change. I thought he had calmed down quite a bit and has been SO SO much better on the ground and undersaddle due to the old barn manager leaving but Saturday Wonder bolted with Miguel. He had already worked for 2hrs and it was warm, I let Miguel cool Wonder out and Wonder decided to bolt, he then lost footing and slid into fencing. He was good and relaxed for a while but cant trust Wonder. Im not angry at anyone but myself. I will never trust Wonder. He can flip from relaxed and chill to gone in the blink of an eye, even had I been on Wonder. I'm not sure I could have prevented him from slipping. When he bolts, he BOLTS, takes the bit and you CANT stop him. He hadnt bolted like that in months, a bit carried away in the changes sure or in the canter but not from relaxed walk to gone. Miguel and him have a special bond and he is so good at soothing him, I was trying to gradually take steps back and trust. They are both OKAY, Wonder will need time off while his cuts heal and Miguel didnt fall off and when they crashed Miguel immediately sprung into action at keeping Wonder calm and from getting up. But I will not trust Wonder again. His temperament is too bold and intense and he is unpredictable, that is who he is and that isnt going to change. Sure there are days where he's really really good and he may be that way consistently for a while but that other side will come out at some point. He had worked for 2hrs by that point. I lunged him first, then Miguel rode him in the indoor and they practiced on go and stop and a bit of trot, etc. Then I rode him outside for about 45min then Miguel cooled out. Wonder isnt mentally wired like any horse Ive ever met. Some people think that's thoroughbreds and Id say no. I've ridden tons of thoroughbreds and yes they like to go, yes they're sensitive and play but you can control their gallop and they are still aware you are there. He's the only horse that makes me nervous to gallop. I would NEVER EVER take him cross country, even if he liked jumping. He is overwhelmingly powerful and when he's in a mood he just takes the bit and it means nothing to him, one rein stop does nothing. He'll take the bit and pull you to the other side and push into pressure. If he wants to go, no stopping him. I've never met a thoroughbred with that kind of power and even the wb I rode who had Wonder's power I dont think would ever do that.

I am SO SO SO thankful they are both alright but it happened so fast and it breaks my heart because I really thought Wonder was coming around. Now I know he will never change. Miguel isnt scared of Wonder at all, the next day he and him did a lot of ground work together and we walked the fields in hand with the lip chain. They really have a special relationship, I think that's why Im so surprised. He has an incredible way of soothing Wonder and Wonder would do anything for him if Miguel asked. Wonder absolutely trusts Miguel. He tries so hard to be good with him. But I am thankful for how Miguel looked after Wonder too and kept him calm, so he didnt get up and panic. I think it saved Wonder from worse injury. Also glad I've shown Miguel a bit of ground work which he seems to enjoy. It's the partnership with Wonder he likes and after he kept saying Cassie Wonder is a good horse, he's just an adrenaline junkie. He's a good horse, he's just obsessive. Im not mad at Wonder, just myself. 

I hate the videos of us riding in the saddle, he felt so strong against the bit and it took too much to get his back up. When Wonder is ready, I will not ride him in the saddle until it is fixed. It is not fair, he felt like there was a lot more fight and tension in the saddle and I hate that. He's not as consistent or true and I have to use more hand than I want to. Tried riding in a longer frame because cant do as much of that bareback and it is good for him. I can see the slight rotation of the saddle in the moments of unevenness. As well as how overwhelmingly powerful he is. He calmed down in the end but he was on mission, maybe that was my sign.






And I can see the saddle make him uneven in spots. Saddle is unbalanced adn needs to be fixed. When left I had to lean off the right side and really get him with my outside right leg at the shoulder or he was totally falling through the right shoulder. He just looks so much more tense in the saddle and less fluid.





Wonder after, he was just like oh okay. Warm day, warm bath. How nice. Miguel thinks he's an adrenaline junkie and I kinda agree. I almost NEVER let him gallop because he gets addicted, he loves it so much and then anything you do turns him into a turbo engine.


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## AndyTheCornbread

I just happened across your journal on here recently. What unit were you in, in the Corps? What years and what MOS? If you were in any of the years I was, depending on your MOS we may have run into some of the same people. I was in 93 - 2002, I was in FAST until 95 and from 95 on until discharge I was in Wpns Co 2/1 as a section leader for the CAAT teams platoon on the TOW side. Primary MOS was 0352.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Very neat, so they would say you were the real Marine Corps. I was a 0627 but ended up working with the career planner, so administration type work Cherry Point NC MWCS-28. I was in 2013-2015 because I broke and was not rehabbed properly, I had 3 episodes of recurrent injury because I kept trying to push through because light duty is shameful. Eventually I had to go to the ER because I was close to passing out from the pain and then had to wait months to get a proper diagnosis. The Dr who examined me after going through mostly useless ones said basically chronic tendinitis of my left psoas tendon. I dont know that it'll ever fully heal. Im fine to hike but if I try to run distance, if I push, the hip on the left locks up and I cant even walk for a few hours. I drug myself home once along a fence. 

Mostly got along with everyone and was pretty well respected, despite being light duty. I still hear from my GySgts, 1st Sgt and some officers because they respected me and that meant the world to me. I remember the officers would bring me into their office to ask me about leadership and different ideas. or my GySgt who was a DI and he was a very intense man, always hard on me said when I left that I carried myself with a pride and dignity he admired and wish more Marines could live up to my standard. I think because of my billet I became more associated with SSgts and above and officers. Also remember dressing up for parties and Id be the first one at the table to all of a sudden being surrounded by officers, MSgts, 1st Sgt etc all asking me philosophical or economics questions or my thoughts. I really miss that aspect. Learned and grew a lot.

_____

Vet saw Wonder today and isnt worried. Said it looks superficial and again shows me the difference between Danes and Americans. Americans are super neurotic in comparison. Danes are like eh it's no big deal, just keep it clean and liquid bandage with some anti inflammatories and get him moving as much as possible :lol: in America they'd say antibiotics, stall rest and bute with a little bubble wrap (Exaggerating). Love the european mentality when things like that happen they're just like ehh that's life no big deal vs Americans are super over reactive and get so well that should never happen and youre irresponsible, blah, blah, blah. Danes are just like ehh that's life, learn from it and move on inkunicorn: and that is why I like Europe and hope to never move back to the US. I'll visit but it's not my home, too out of touch with reality in some places. Denmark is my home. If you come to Denmark, you are expected to become Danish. If you do not adapt to the culture. They wont tolerate it and I respect that, their culture is worth protecting and fighting for. It's a peaceful and honorable way, respect the laws and the people. 

Hand walked Wonder outside. His legs are very swollen, vet said not to worry because of where he hit it's going to swell more and he's hurt but crazy horse was piaffing and passaging almost the whole time I walked him even with the lip chain. I was laughing at this horse who is clearly sore and asked him to walk and he was like piaffe? I can do that! :lol: only Wonder. I was like really you're clearly hurt and he was like nah I'm going will just put more weight on the good legs and compensate, so I can dance and me thinking, I have a lip chain on you, I am lowering my energy and asking you to walk, you're hurt and insist on piaffing then fine have it your way. What do I care if youre hurt, if you dont care. Asked the vet for sedative and he said just dont give him any grain...and I thought if only food was the issue :lol: Wonder had a hoof abscess and even on ace would rear, pull away and try to gallop around the arena like a lunatic 3 legged lame and me going REALLY!! You [email protected]! 

Wonder in a nut shell. His nickname is magnificent [email protected] and I'll just say he amuses me. I've already cut his grain to about a 1/3 on Saturday. He's getting very little, I wish that was the source of his enthusiasm. 

These are old but his personality all the way, can just feel his energy.














Vet who saw him gave us a name for a saddle fitter, he is also a chiropractor and said they are the best in Denmark. Go with them.


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## knightrider

I came across this video about Lene Olesen. Is she from Denmark? I imagine you have heard of her. I found this to be impressive. Can you comment?






I love your journal! Love the photos and thoughtful comments.

I was reading Lene Olesen's blog and seemed like someone I would enjoy knowing. I wish we had that tardis:tardis:


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- yes a tardis would be perfect ;-) I have not heard of her but I read she was in Jutland (Yuteland, in Danish and German J makes a Y sound). Maybe will see her demo somewhere someday? Seems like a nice young rider!

Been a bit of a rough week and quite expensive.

Wonder needs special shoes. His injury to his left hind is much worse than I knew. Farrier saw him and was like we need special shoes to support this, the wire cut through the hoof and into the laminae. We dont know how deep but farrier said we were extremely lucky else Wonder may have had to have been put down. Keeping at eye on it and keeping Wonder active or he loses his mind. He's a workaholic. Even with his injuries, he bolted away from me in hand because I didnt have the lip chain, just the over the nose stud chain because the lip chain is cutting into his gums and he seemed really relaxed and calm, almost lethargic. Nope. It was a ruse and I watched him gallop at full speed from the back of the fields up the hill and to the stable. It's a LONG space to gallop. SO I ran up the hill thinking you [email protected] and he's happy as can be trotting up and down the fence line and then grazed some. Then we walked for about an hour and into the woods, lots of hill work. We have some really steep and long hills which help wear him out (and me). He LOVED exploring and seeing new things, he's a very brave and curious horse. 

We cant turn him out at the moment and not riding for a while. Maybe a few weeks or a few months, I dont really know. 

Today I took him for a walk on the road and he was jigging the whole time. Couldnt get him to walk for longer than a few steps.

One photo makes me laugh because it shows Wonder's personality so clearly, cheeky and up to nothing good. I let him trot today in the arena in hand. He NEEDS to move, it's mental and he needs his brain stimulated or he loses it. 

He's on very little grain at the moment, mostly the gut health from dengie with some oil and a sprinkling of low sugar/low starch from krafft. 

https://www.dengie.com/horse-feeds/healthy-range/healthy-tummy/
https://www.krafft.nu/en/products/products-all/performance-low-starch/

with a type of grass hay, magnesium, vitamin E, MSM and glucosamine. 

Also with the lip chain, there is a very good reason for it's use. I dont favor one and truthfully I have never used a lip chain on any horse as much as Wonder. Even the young colts and stallions. Wonder does not care at all about a regular stud chain, rope halter, any of it. Does absolutely nothing. He doesnt care. If he wants gone, he's gone in 2 seconds and there is nothing anyone can do. Same with how he is hurt now. Even had I been on Wonder, I think the same thing would have happened, I was maybe a meter and a half away when he went. He went from relaxed walking to jigging and gone in a matter of seconds. He took the corner too fast, lost his footing and slid into a wire fence. When he bolts, he doesnt one rein stop. It's like an obsession with him and he just goes, it's quite humbling to realize how much a horse allows us to influence them. If they dont want to listen, they dont have to. They really dont. And most people dont have a clue what that means and have imo no respect for experience or a desire to understand another but to pass judgement on something they dont understand. 

Also realize how much Wonder loves the dressage stuff. I did some in hand with him (yes I asked the vet) and he said keep him moving, let him do as much as he wants. Wonder is like a border collie, he gets obsessive with learning and just wants to do it all at once. I ran with him in hand at the trot as we did medium trot and collected trot and half steps. Have to be super careful with him, he honestly feels like a ticking bomb atm and spooky. Have to keep him focused or he is just this jiggy, jumping ticking bomb. He's crazy. He's a border collie. In Denmark people keep saying that's a thoroughbred and I keep saying no. Thoroughbreds can be hot and hard working but they're not like Wonder. Thoroughbreds are sensitive and have big hearts but they're not usually this obsessive or determined or anywhere near this powerful. I think of thoroughbreds as real triers and real pleasers who might get overzealous or anxious or worry because they try too hard to please or can be a bit aggressive and pushy, that can be Wonder but then he has this absolute determination and will to do what he wants and have things on his terms. It's the same undersaddle, he is constantly challenging for control and dominance. He is more accepting now but as a rider, I still have to convince him to let me in and ride him. You have to channel it mentally more than anything. It is only by his acceptance that I am able to ride him at all, it's like a person is either tuned into his radio or they arent and if they arent they cant do anything with him. I think if someone tried to instill fear in him, Wonder would become very aggressive and mean. Itd be very easy to make Wonder an angry, bitter, mean horse. I never want to nurse those qualities in him, just the cheeky, playful horse I love. 

Honestly in my life Wonder is the only horse I've ever met who just decides things almost like a human. It's really not a good thing and honestly this horse has taught me an awful lot. People want to know why I like special, quirky, odd ball horses. It's because of the education they offer and I enjoy the challenge and partnership. When one of these horses is on your side, there isnt a stronger partnership or unity. Plus maybe with me being unconventional, I think I identify more with the odd balls. I like complicated. I dont choose the easy ones to have in my life :lol: that said Wonder is a very sweet horse with a lot of fantastic qualities, he isnt easy but he's very rewarding.

Also some Wonder race videos




Wonder is number 8


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## knightrider

What awful heartbreaking news. I am so sorry.


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## gottatrot

So sorry about the injury. It's good you have assistance with getting that supported - the hoof wall looks like it is going to have some issues as it grows down and it will need careful balancing to grow back well. 

I think we can learn so much from these individual horses. I appreciate how you describe Wonder and how he is unique. It helps me think about horses I've dealt with and am dealing with, learning about their personalities and how to handle them. 



> _It's like an obsession with him and he just goes, it's quite humbling to realize how much a horse allows us to influence them. If they dont want to listen, they dont have to. They really dont. And most people dont have a clue what that means and have imo no respect for experience or a desire to understand another but to pass judgement on something they dont understand. _


I agree with this because I've chosen to deal with more difficult horses also. People who want to tell you that it's about training and such believe their training has formed the horse, when actually the horses are generous spirits and agreeing to behave within certain boundaries to please the human. Horses are never robots or machines, and they never have to do what we say. They _choose_ to. I wrote about this in my musings about my mare, Halla, about the day I discovered she could simply ignore me completely if she chose, and stop communicating during a ride and keep running on and on. For me the fact that horses do choose to work with us on a daily basis is the incredible part, not that they sometimes choose not to. 

Every cue, including the supposedly magical one rein stop does not have any power over the horse that the horse does not give it. You can't actually "shut down" a horse, because they don't have little switches that cut the power. I've learned this lesson very well over the years. Most horses are not likely to lose it, but every horse has the ability to and it's best to be prepared.

When you've ridden and worked with a lot of horses it helps you understand this more, because like you I've been on many horses that were compliant and calm, and easily became reliable, so when I am faced with one that doesn't, I know that is because the horse is tricky and a special case, and not because I'm not calm enough (just be calm and your horse will), or confident enough, or not experienced enough. 

Also I read about many horses on the forum and elsewhere that people have difficulty handling, and in general the consensus is that the horse should be moved on. No one really approaches as much what happens when the difficult horse "arrives" with the experienced handler, and what happens then. It's not like the horse suddenly will become easy to deal with just because the trainer has experience and knows what to do. The horse will still be aggressive, spooky, etc., and there are no magic fixes. It's not just the feed, or getting worked enough. 

I think you are doing excellently with your horse and that anyone would have the same issues, except most would consider him too dangerous and sell him on...to some mysterious entity that people believe is out there to take on these horses (the "trainer" or "rescue"), except it's actually just people like you or I. Or pro barns searching for the top athlete. I was reading an article about a TB barn, and they said basically all the staff got injured at one time or another. I believe that, since I try to be careful but get injured from time to time. The horses do too, no matter how careful we are.

Thanks for letting me muse, your post just brought up a lot of thoughts. Having a light injury recently, it makes me think about how I accept the risks of horses in general but also horses that are a bit "more" than most people deal with. I hope you don't feel badly about what happened, it's not your fault and no one could handle Wonder better. Same with him rushing off with your boyfriend. We do our best and try to be safe, and sometimes things still happen.


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## knightrider

Quote from Gottatrot


> I agree with this because I've chosen to deal with more difficult horses also. People who want to tell you that it's about training and such believe their training has formed the horse, when actually the horses are generous spirits and agreeing to behave within certain boundaries to please the human. Horses are never robots or machines, and they never have to do what we say. They choose to. I wrote about this in my musings about my mare, Halla, about the day I discovered she could simply ignore me completely if she chose, and stop communicating during a ride and keep running on and on. For me the fact that horses do choose to work with us on a daily basis is the incredible part, not that they sometimes choose not to.
> 
> Every cue, including the supposedly magical one rein stop does not have any power over the horse that the horse does not give it. You can't actually "shut down" a horse, because they don't have little switches that cut the power. I've learned this lesson very well over the years. Most horses are not likely to lose it, but every horse has the ability to and it's best to be prepared.
> 
> When you've ridden and worked with a lot of horses it helps you understand this more, because like you I've been on many horses that were compliant and calm, and easily became reliable, so when I am faced with one that doesn't, I know that is because the horse is tricky and a special case, and not because I'm not calm enough (just be calm and your horse will), or confident enough, or not experienced enough.
> 
> Also I read about many horses on the forum and elsewhere that people have difficulty handling, and in general the consensus is that the horse should be moved on. No one really approaches as much what happens when the difficult horse "arrives" with the experienced handler, and what happens then. It's not like the horse suddenly will become easy to deal with just because the trainer has experience and knows what to do. The horse will still be aggressive, spooky, etc., and there are no magic fixes. It's not just the feed, or getting worked enough.
> 
> I think you are doing excellently with your horse and that anyone would have the same issues, except most would consider him too dangerous and sell him on...to some mysterious entity that people believe is out there to take on these horses (the "trainer" or "rescue"), except it's actually just people like you or I. Or pro barns searching for the top athlete. I was reading an article about a TB barn, and they said basically all the staff got injured at one time or another. I believe that, since I try to be careful but get injured from time to time. The horses do too, no matter how careful we are.
> 
> Thanks for letting me muse, your post just brought up a lot of thoughts. Having a light injury recently, it makes me think about how I accept the risks of horses in general but also horses that are a bit "more" than most people deal with. I hope you don't feel badly about what happened, it's not your fault and no one could handle Wonder better. Same with him rushing off with your boyfriend. We do our best and try to be safe, and sometimes things still happen.


This is so true! I wish we could print this at the top of every horse forum and every magazine. I wish people would take it to heart. Thank you so much for writing it.


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## gottatrot

@knightrider, you're another one who takes on this type of horse, so you understand too.


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## lostastirrup

@gottatrot
That was an incredible post!


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot said:


> So sorry about the injury. It's good you have assistance with getting that supported - the hoof wall looks like it is going to have some issues as it grows down and it will need careful balancing to grow back well.
> 
> I think we can learn so much from these individual horses. I appreciate how you describe Wonder and how he is unique. It helps me think about horses I've dealt with and am dealing with, learning about their personalities and how to handle them.
> 
> 
> I agree with this because I've chosen to deal with more difficult horses also. People who want to tell you that it's about training and such believe their training has formed the horse, when actually the horses are generous spirits and agreeing to behave within certain boundaries to please the human. Horses are never robots or machines, and they never have to do what we say. They _choose_ to. I wrote about this in my musings about my mare, Halla, about the day I discovered she could simply ignore me completely if she chose, and stop communicating during a ride and keep running on and on. For me the fact that horses do choose to work with us on a daily basis is the incredible part, not that they sometimes choose not to.
> 
> Every cue, including the supposedly magical one rein stop does not have any power over the horse that the horse does not give it. You can't actually "shut down" a horse, because they don't have little switches that cut the power. I've learned this lesson very well over the years. Most horses are not likely to lose it, but every horse has the ability to and it's best to be prepared.
> 
> When you've ridden and worked with a lot of horses it helps you understand this more, because like you I've been on many horses that were compliant and calm, and easily became reliable, so when I am faced with one that doesn't, I know that is because the horse is tricky and a special case, and not because I'm not calm enough (just be calm and your horse will), or confident enough, or not experienced enough.
> 
> Also I read about many horses on the forum and elsewhere that people have difficulty handling, and in general the consensus is that the horse should be moved on. No one really approaches as much what happens when the difficult horse "arrives" with the experienced handler, and what happens then. It's not like the horse suddenly will become easy to deal with just because the trainer has experience and knows what to do. The horse will still be aggressive, spooky, etc., and there are no magic fixes. It's not just the feed, or getting worked enough.
> 
> I think you are doing excellently with your horse and that anyone would have the same issues, except most would consider him too dangerous and sell him on...to some mysterious entity that people believe is out there to take on these horses (the "trainer" or "rescue"), except it's actually just people like you or I. Or pro barns searching for the top athlete. I was reading an article about a TB barn, and they said basically all the staff got injured at one time or another. I believe that, since I try to be careful but get injured from time to time. The horses do too, no matter how careful we are.
> 
> Thanks for letting me muse, your post just brought up a lot of thoughts. Having a light injury recently, it makes me think about how I accept the risks of horses in general but also horses that are a bit "more" than most people deal with. I hope you don't feel badly about what happened, it's not your fault and no one could handle Wonder better. Same with him rushing off with your boyfriend. We do our best and try to be safe, and sometimes things still happen.


Gottatrot- amazing post. I appreciate all your insight and shared ideas. I really appreciate people who take on the horses others throw away. I really think perhaps a part of it is that we're unique sorts of people who dont think like others and so connect best to the unusual and outcast horses who fit us. We like to explore and learn and see how we can improve to be better partners to our horses. It's a life's goal that is always improving. We have to be to a certain point in our development in self awareness, emotions and technical skill to recognize what is us channeling and having the "right" responses and what is the horse being tricky and requiring us to problem solve and approach the horse a bit differently. I think most people have never really experience a "special needs" sort of horse and so dont have a clue what it takes or they think use conventional methods or follow one trainer a, b, c and immediately the horse will be fixed. Most horses I think will fix but not all. It's also why I try to learn from multiple people, different disciplines and methodologies. There is no one way for every horses and sometimes you have to make up your own methods and strategies for the horse. It's why I like natural horsemanship a lot. A lot of understanding the horse and how to control and communicate emotion but even within natural horsemanship there are SO SO SO many different people to learn from and hear ideas from. 

Absolutely. My farrier is expensive but he is one of the best in the country, he used to shoe the Danish team. I've never met a farrier that knows what he does. The cost of Wonder's shoes made me want to throw up. It was over $300USD. But it seems to be doing well, Wonder is totally sound. And crazy. I think a border collie is the best comparison to Wonder's temperament and work ethic. He LOVES the dressage work, sometimes he gets frustrated and questions for sure but he is like a border collie learning a new trick when he learns something.

And thank you. I try to describe Wonder exactly as he is. I had a friend who'd only known of him through my descriptions than she met him and was like you didnt exaggerate at all. And I try to describe him exactly as is. She said he's more impressive in person because you get a feel for his intensity and size and how quick thinking he is and . But I really appreciate your input and insight too because you appreciate these "special" horses and have worked with horses who dont fit the box. A lot of training programs and trainers, even ones at the top of the game write off horses who dont fit their "box" or "training program." And those horses gets thrown out or given away and put down.

A lot of these "special" horses who are utterly unconventional and tricky end up at the slaughter house, hurting someone and put down. It's a big part why I brought Wonder with me, my trainer worked with him for 3 wks when I was away in Denmark and said there was no way in he!l I was going to find someone who could ride him and that I owed it to Wonder to find any way possible to bring him over with me or he was likely to end up in a slaughter house or I'd come back to a ruined horse, too far gone to fix. She got along with him pretty well and said she was surprised that she liked riding him. She said for riding the issue is that a rider has to be so so so strong and at the same time so so so light and quick to work between strong and light aids. Because you have to be able to sit against him and make him stay with you and at the same time you can't put him a box or use strength against him.

Horses can do as they please if they really want to and I 110% agree it is a miracle and by their generous spirits that they work with us at all. These "special" horses I think are extremely humbling and helpful to understanding horses in general. I worked for a trainer who had worked with mules and she used to say, "a mule will demand it be treated like we should be treating horses." Most people imo should NOT be handling "special needs" horses. They need to be worked with every day, there is no "fix" just maintenance. 

And thank you. It meant a lot to me because I had been blaming myself and trying to figure out how I could have done better by Wonder and Miguel. Miguel blames himself quite a lot and I told him, even had I been on Wonder. The same thing would have happened. I cant stop Wonder, he has a mind of his own and he will act on his will. It can be out of the blue. He also compares me to Wonder a lot because I skip in public and take off running and have a lot of bounding energy. Im just amazed Wonder is so sound and ready to work. 

UPDATE

I spent the weekend in Copenhagen. It was a really nice weekend. We went to a party with his friends, talked to a lot of people. Stayed out late Friday and the rest was pretty quiet and relaxing. We were invited out for more but think we were both exhausted. We rode bikes around the city and explored some, discussed plans. He's going to the alps for about 9 days to ski and travel, my parents are coming for about 10 days. He's letting us use his apartment when we visit Copenhagen and he will be meeting them on Saint Patricks Day (he'll be coming in late). And then I think the plan is we'll all go out to eat together on my birthday the 18th. Ill be 28. Then in April we're flying into to Lisbon for me to meet his family and friends and then going to Morocco, Spain, France, Luxembourg, Belgium, Germany and back to Denmark over 3 wks. 

I rode Wonder for a little bit yesterday, he was READY to work. He's on no meds, quite sound and felt quite sound. He was very intense and eager to work. He was like WE WORK NOW, all business and very very good. No canter, he tried to bolt. Vet said if he looks sound then ride him. Keep him busy. He can do as much as he feels well enough to do. I used a lot of laterals to help with him energy and keep him focused. He is a border collie. That's his personality.

Also found a girl who might be able to ride and work with Wonder while Im away. She's really really nice and I think might be able to work with him.


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## SueC

I always have to laugh when I see photos of Wonder!  He has such a huge personality that I can feel it radiating off him here in the Southern Hemisphere!


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## frlsgirl

Oh hey!!!! Glad I found this; I was just thinking that I haven’t seen any new posts from you on your previous journal; didn’t realize you started a new one. 

Makes sense to start a new one as Wonders journey definitely warrants documenting.

Oh Wonder what did you do to your hoof?!? Glad the farrier is able to help. But yes, Europeans are like “is it breathing, eating, peeing and pooping?” Then it’s fine!” 

I still have not found the perfect level of concern; how to not overreact and at the same time not feel like a horrible horse owner.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- thank you, yes he has a BIG personality. Yesterday he was telling me off for leaving him in the cross ties while I made his mash. And he was a bit swollen and warm after I rode him, so I told him he's getting a few more days off. I dont think he'll agree with it because he thinks he's fine but he thinks he's fine as long as 1 leg is good :lol: The obsessiveness reminds me of a border collie. So for me it's a catch 22, I dont know how much to work him so he's mentally okay but also so he can heal and I have no ace. I asked but vet said no, just cut his grain...sadly grain has nothing to do with it. I told him the food wasnt going to work and that Wonder had a hoof abscess, was clearly lame and on 2ccs of ace reared and pulled away from me leaping, bucking and galloping around like a lunatic. Obviously lame and sore. Same with day after the accident, he was piaffing and passaging in the lip chain, again clearly sore and lame but Wonder was like I still got two good legs, I can dance. And it was WARM. I may hop on and just walk him around the arena if he'll do it but usually he just goes if he doesnt work enough and I dont want to lunge him because I want to keep him off of circles while his knee heals. No circles or laterals if it can be helped but circles and laterals is how I get him back to me and slow down his legs and brain. It's like a ticking bomb to ride. It's a breath and he's like thundercats are go!! He's like me a fire engine! 

Tanja- hey good to hear from you! Wonder bolted, lost his footing on muddy ground and slid into a fence and got trapped in the wire. My bf kept him calm, so the damage isnt worse and we were able to pry some of the fence off before Wonder leaped up. He's really-really lucky. Wonder gets into his head sometimes and just makes decisions out of the blue as quick as the snap of the fingers. Cant stop him when he bolts until he chooses to stop and he's a distance horse. One rein stop is totally useless. He learned nothing from it and in hand when I tried taking the lip chain off bolted up a long hill and I had to run like half a mile to catch him! Basically I insisted he'd walk with me, instead of eat grass so he tried to strike at me then I asked him to back up for striking and he was gone in 2 seconds. Impossible to hold him when he wants to go, I havent met anyone who could hold him even strong very experienced male handlers with size and strength. He's beautiful but crazy and too smart for his own good. I think one of smartest horses Ive ever met in my life. Definitely top 3.

And definitely, I like that about europeans. Think they're more level headed and down to earth than Americans :lol: sometimes need to worry more or attend more to things but I think it is largely a good thing too. But I agree. It is a balance.

UPDATE
I hope to catch up on journals over the weekend. Right now SUPER BUSY. Keeping up in studies with subjects I HATE and honestly dont understand hardly at all. The teaching style here SUCKS. Professors are utterly useless and there are no tutors so HOURS of studies and beating my head into wall saying how much I hate these classes. Not one I enjoy or makes me curious and if Im not curious I put in the bare minimum effort which makes me feel like a bad, useless person. It's torture the whole time.

Also I think made a good impression on bf's friends, so think that is good. I guess they think I'm special and different because I really challenged them to think and Im really quick thinking. Really hard for me to slow down. When I was at University in America, I had a few professors call me brilliant (my ideas are usually unique and I use a lot of courses of information) and I'd usually laugh and tell them nah, I'm just crazy (I am crazy) but I know it so can have fun with it and generally dont take it out on anyone because I know what is my mind's creation vs what is reality. It's why I rely SO heavily on logic and have a massive mistrust towards emotions and feelings. I cant trust them, my head will tell me things that arent true and I have to use logic to sort out reality from imagined head stuff. I used to stay up all night studying things like string theory and understanding things like quantum mechanics (no I dont fully understand quantum mechanics, I dont think anyone does but I enjoy learning) to understand consciousness (we dont understand it yet, not really) and a big thing I talked about is lack of self awareness and how today people in first world countries are so wrapped up in the superficial that they're disconnected from reality because most people dont have real, grounding experiences or worries where they have to be held to face reality. What we perceive to be real is largely imagined and based on experience. So people imagine they have certain characteristics or personality traits they simply dont possess. For example a lot people talk about how strong they are, yet they're the first to crumble under pressure like pretzels then you have people like me or my bf who thrive in extreme, tough circumstances. I know he has it like I do because even though he was rattled and scared, he was able to push that all aside to sooth Wonder. Wonder is super intense, I cant even sooth him like Miguel can. Most people's concerns are in their head space or things man made, people arent THAT worried about food, shelter or safety, etc. Because when we are faced with extreme circumstance where we cant use our built upon self held beliefs, we see reality. It becomes clear and removes the layers to what is real. It's super hard to explain and a big part of why I joined the Marine Corps. Wanted extreme circumstances and conditions to grow in. I tried explaining that perception is largely what we imagine it to be because we are limited in what we're able to see and experience. For example multiple dimensions we are unable to experience because we are latched into our universe and lack the perspective to see beyond it. We are limited or the idea that all of time and space exists simultaneously but we're only able to experience it in one direction because our bodies and minds are not designed to have that broadness if that makes any sense. It's really really hard to explain. My current obsession seems to be understanding reality or what I define as what EXISTS truly without our biases or perceptions...we're all biased, so removing biases is impossible but Im trying to get there to understand truth. Truth being what is regardless of opinion. It's also why I study almost every subject I can and understand it to a certain degree because I feel the broader the scope, the closer to seeing truth I will come. It's an obsession.

Another I have a hard time explain is that words mean only what we apply to it and are used in place of describing what exists. Example we can't describe a color to someone who has never seen it but when I say purple we all know what that is because we have experienced it and it has meaning because we've seen it. But the word doesnt really mean anything to someone who hasnt seen it. I went into a thing about how people can say exactly the same thing and how it can mean 10 different things based on the perception of the person reading or listening and how hard it is to communicate clearly. And that part of my perspective is because I dont see the world through words but through sensation and so for me I have to translate sensation to a series of words. 

I also get frustrated at times because when I talk about these things, I think people get intimidated or think Im a show off when really I'm just SO SO SO excited that someone wants to talk about it at all that I'm like OMG I can talk about geek stuff eee!!! Im very passionate and get super excited, I LOVE active discussions and exchanges of ideas. It's my favorite thing, we all dont have to agree but have a respectful exchange. I HATE people who are pompous or so conceited you cant have any kind of real discussion but when people come to engage in a conversation from mutual respect and a love of ideas, it's absolutely amazing! My brain is like YES!

I also remembered how feisty I am :lol: I have a lot of fight in me and anger. Lots and lots of anger. I think that's one of the things that shocks people who know me is if they ever see me angry. It's not cute. Most people I almost laugh when they're mad, I dont know why. I'm just not intimidated or threatened, more like bring it on. Let's have a go. But me usually people are really intimidated by when Im angry. I dont lose control like I used to but I think it's my energy. In the Marines the boys used to say she's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet but the last person you ever want to p!ss off. I also dont scream, it's like a really decisive sharpness with absolutely no tolerance of bs and an absolute command of control with a coldness and lack of emotion. I'm not generally a mean person but I


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## frlsgirl

Oh my gosh the pics with the sun setting in the background are absolutely stunning!

Someone recently told me that a lot of Olympic level horses are very hot; one rider has to start riding at 3am put the horse away for an hour and then do that again 2 more times so that the horse is through and relaxed enough to do a Dressage test at 8am. 

I haven’t found the right balance yet between warming Ana up sufficiently so that she’s relaxed and through but not dragging her lifeless body through a test lol

It sounds like you are still finding out how much fire Wonder has. Should we all be worried about your safety, lol I’m kidding, maybe, maybe not. 

I’m glad that you are finding some good people to connect with over there.


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## gottatrot

DanteDressageNerd said:


> What we perceive to be real is largely imagined and based on experience. So people imagine they have certain characteristics or personality traits they simply dont possess. For example a lot people talk about how strong they are, yet they're the first to crumble under pressure like pretzels then you have people like me or my bf who thrive in extreme, tough circumstances... Most people's concerns are in their head space or things man made, people arent THAT worried about food, shelter or safety, etc. Because when we are faced with extreme circumstance where we cant use our built upon self held beliefs, we see reality. It becomes clear and removes the layers to what is real...


Wow, beautiful pictures.

I enjoyed reading what you wrote, so true. I've seen this a lot with people who believe they are great riders, and talk about it, then get on a barely challenging horse and don't know what to do. Also I've seen this at work, with people who talk about what great nurses or respiratory therapists they are, and how well they handle emergencies, and then someone crashes and they stand there with scared eyes. 

I think we all have the right to be scared sometimes, and to not know what to do in a critical moment. But mental toughness means you forge ahead and try, and make mistakes and learn, and take yourself to the edge of your physical and mental self, to discover where your boundaries are.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Tanja- Thank you I am too. 

That is true about a lot of high level and olympic horses. It doesnt surprise me. A lot can be extremely extremely hot but I do think they are rewarding relaxation a lot more and trying to get horses that are more relaxed and not quite so hot. A lot of dutch horses are that sort of hot. 

I hope you find the right balance for you and Miss Ana. I think finding the balance can be difficult to figure out and just takes time. It'll get there 

I dont think we have to worry about safety. He really is calming down and becoming more and more consistent and relaxed and less wound up. He's getting a lot better, it's just taking time. 

Gottatrot- Thank you and I agree 100% people often over estimate their abilities when push comes to shove. I think a lot of us our shocked by how we react. Some people are at their best when things go to hel! in a hand basket and others fall apart. I notice the biggest talkers who pump themselves up and talk about how strong and brave they are, are the first to fall. Sometimes I wonder if my struggles with mental illness and Marine training help me. Think sometimes when you're mentally ill and something very serious happens and is in your face, you just shut all that over thinking down and some how just do it. I dont know why. But I admire what you do as a nurse and what you face every day, I couldn't do it. You're a brave and kind soul!

We do I think when we get it together for a moment, we're definitely still scared but I think we're able to put those emotions away to be who we need to be in the moment and then can feel everything afterwards. I think emotional and psychological damage also can help people to cope with this. Think you get better at pushing your emotions away or shutting them down. Sometimes I can shut down my emotions altogether but it comes back with a vengeance. So I only do it if necessary. Life is tough.

UPDATE

I've been super super busy, my parents are coming here tomorrow. I dont know when I'll have time to check up on journals. Been hectic with the amount of paperwork I HAVE to get done and my depression has been really-really bad. Im going back on medication because I cant function without. I absolutely cannot do it without medication anymore, it's not fair to me, Miguel, Wonder or anyone in my life. I've pushed Miguel away (we're okay, I think he just doesnt know how to help or reassure me and so keeps distant because he doesnt know what to say), I've been unfair to Wonder and I struggle to get out of bed. I cant function or cope with living. Mostly things about how disgusted with myself I am, how Im a burden and no one actually wants to be in my life so they're all avoiding me because Im such a pain in the @ss. That I'm stupid and useless, ugly and disgusting. I dont want to eat. I'm full of self doubt and my self confidence is super low. If you've ever seen Bojack Horseman "Stupid Piece of Sh!t" that is exactly how I feel and my inner monologue is about the same but not an alcoholic. I just feel like a toxic, negative person who no one wants to be around and merely tolerates but doesnt actually want in their life. That Im just there and dont really matter. I feel like poison and my thoughts are poisoning me and it doesnt matter how I logically tell myself that it is silly ridiculous, I just hurt and cant stop the pain. Usually the pain escalates until I feel numb and apathetic or have a total break down. I cant control it. It's my thoughts and I get so tired of battling of them trying to send them away. It's like a battle ram that keeps ramming until it breaks the gates and pours into everything. I hate it because I like being an independent person and when I'm like this Im really needy and really need support and help. And then I feel like a burden and horrible because Im needy. And I try not to be, I never want to need anyone really but I do. 






Wonder and Alma have tried to comfort me but my thoughts are just being cruel and unfair. I cried a few times. Beat my head into a wall, barely any studying. Cant concentrate and cant get the thoughts to stop. 

Wonder took off a hind shoes in the cross ties. No idea how he did it. Had to take the shoe off. Didnt have the right tool and some of the hoof wall came with it :frown_color: But if I left the shoe it would be stabbing the clip would be stabbing the sole of his foot. When he definitely needs hind shoes for the structural support. Helps his hock and stifle. Without it is not good. Sort of have to work him to keep the muscle around the stifle strong but trying to find the line. Did too much today because he tried to bolt off with me, take control and was quite rude and I feel bad. He's getting a few days off. But absolutely not okay to bolt. Or just take hold of the bit and ignore me. Not okay. Wonder wasnt mad at me after but I just feel terrible and like a bad mother who did too much and wasnt fair.

Found someone who is a jumper and has ridden some odd horses and gets along with Wonder. She did a nice job with him. Told her when I am away she is welcome to jump Wonder and do cavaletti work


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## SueC

Dear @DanteDressageNerd, you could not pay me to go back to my early to mid twenties especially, because I went through very similar things and it was really tough. But hang in there, it really really does get better as you get older. :hug: You will acccumulate real friends all your life, and learn more about who you are, and how to nurture yourself; and you'll become more and more comfortable with who you are. In my 20s I often couldn't tell a toxic friend from a good one, which made things hard, but you'll get there, even if you have to write selection criteria for friendships, and interview potential candidates! ;-)

I promise it gets better. My 40s are the best time of my life - as sunlit as my 20s were dark. The funny thing is, going through that horrible dark stuff will actually make you enjoy the sunlight so much more, when you come out of that tunnel and feel it on your skin.

Lots of love to you, Miguel, Wonder and Alma. :hug:


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you so very much for your support. I hope my 30s and 40s are much better than my 20s. 20s are rough. I'm glad your life got better and better with age, I Hope mine does too. Miguel told me I only get better and that our relationship and me as a person gets better with time. He's so sweet. I love him. 

But I agree the darkness helps us find the light and appreciate it so much more. Think it helps with depth too.

This last depression episode was REALLY REALLY bad. Part of why I talk about it openly is to gain exposure for the illness, rather than the pseudo pop trend that absolutely disgusts me towards mental health or the stigma's held against people who have a mental illness. It's a serious thing and it isnt a lack of will power or weakness. I lost a few kgs because I could barely eat. Wasnt' sleeping much, battling suicidal thoughts, etc. SO that was rough. And battling the thoughts of m mind because it gets REALLY hard to separate what's real to what's my perception. It's way too much roller coaster for me, need meds ASAP. I can't handle the roller coaster. I think bipolar people feel the extremes really hard. The highs are oh so high and the lows are oh so low. I really cant handle it, I really had some awful perceptions and thoughts that I believed in my heart to be true but weren't and paranoia. Just an awful illness. You can't battle it all the time, I hate when people are like just re-wire your thoughts and I'm like sorry that just doesnt work or when people say oh just be happy or just think positive, I'm like you realize you're clueless right? I know most times people mean well but sometimes I lose it when people who have NEVER dealt with a mental illness think you can just will the bad thoughts and pain away. I can't even explain what it feels like to have a full depression episode. It isnt about feeling sad or hurting, it's something well beyond that. It's like you're suffocating inside of a body that is desperate to die and so completely miserable that it hallucinates it's only version of reality that is distorted and coated in negativity and sadness. Then you get to a point of being too sad, so become angry and apathetic to feeling numb and absolutely nothing. It's a tough illness. I really forgot how bad it can get. Im on the up now. 

Wonder is doing well, he's in great spirits and seems really happy. He hasn't worked very much this week. Think he needs to see the chiropractor. He looks a bit stiff in the back but is SO eager to work. He had 4 days off and is like this intense little fireball of energy. He NEEDS to work he says but he's very sweet. He figured out how to open and close the electric gate to the arena. He opens it but doesnt get out, just likes opening it and lets us know he knows how. It's pretty cute. He also knows how the lights work, turns them off then I get mad at him and sometimes he'll turn them back on. Then other times he's like I know how but you can do that yourself. He is exceptionally clever. He will also open a stall door and not go out, just wants us to know he can.

Miguel and I are doing well. My parents enjoyed their visit with him and vice versa. So we really enjoyed our time together. We celebrated my 28th birthday yesterday. So spent a few days in Copenhagen being a "tourist." Was fun. Sharing some pics of the things I've seen. Miguel was super sweet and got me special gluten free bread and cake because he knows I'm allergic to the gluten. Seriously. I start itching my face off when I eat bread. It sucks. I love bread and Denmark has AMAZING pastries and cakes.


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## gottatrot

Happy Birthday!! 

I'm sorry you have had a tough time with your mental illness lately. It bothers me also that people attach a stigma to mental illness or act like a person can change it. It's no different than having a physical illness, and I don't know of anyone who can change the course of their kidney failure or heart disease with willpower and happy thoughts. 

The brain is also an organ and we can't control what happens to it. I have several very close family members with mental illness, and it is something that affects life like any other illness, and that has to be accepted by those around them. All we can do is try to handle each day as it comes. 

I've had friends who think perhaps dealing with another person's mental illness is an unnecessary hassle, but that means you have to miss out on all the beautiful things about that person. No one can be summed up by the effects an illness has on them. That's only a small part of who they are as a person. 

It seems to be considered acceptable to abandon a relationship with a person due to mental illness, but considered uncaring to abandon a relationship because someone has a chronic physical illness. I hope society can change and see that people are valuable and worth caring about even if they suffer from mental illnesses.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- Thank you and I agree. I think when people can't "see" it they tend to think the illness is "imaginary" or "self caused." Rather than accepting there is a real, physical cause they can't see. 

I think a lot of people dont know what it is and dont know how to deal with it, so leave to avoid complication because they dont really value that person or want to help them. Just have a convenience for their life. Mental health is common in my family but they're mostly engineers, doctors, scientists and things like that. I also feel very lucky that Miguel understands that I have an illness and he might not know what to do or how to help but he tries and isnt going to leave because Im sick but I think if I didnt work to be better and be healthier he would and that I could understand. When you're sick it's REALLY hard on the people around you and if they dont accept help and just allow their illness to take over it's a really toxic environment for everyone around. Being bipolar I think is rough, I think depression with bipolar can be more intense in a way. It may be a shorter duration but it is really bad. Mixed episodes are the worst. 

Leave for Lisbon in about a week and a half, my goal will be to keep up on journals at some point. Still have a lot of paperwork and things to do but hopefully soon! 

Wonder from yesterday, he was strong and on the muscle but a very good boy. Miguel said he can tell Wonder just loves this stuff. Even though it's hard he said he can tell it just makes Wonder happy to work like this. Miguel and Wonder had a successful evening and Wonder was very happy to have his best friend back. They cuddled and played. It's really cute to see them interact and Miguel has such a lovely way with him. Cant trot or canter on Wonder, Wonder takes too much control and I dont want Miguel to get hurt. I'd love to have another horse he could learn on but he likes learning on Wonder at the walk because he's learning how a horse should react and how to just follow the body and position. He said after I rode then he rode it felt like Wonder was more automatic vs manual feeling :lol:













It's really hard to keep him with me and not ahead, he tries really hard to get ahead. I have to hold my core strong, so he doesnt set the pace and trot is still really hard with him and keeping true rhythm between collected to medium and extended paces. He knows them but getting him to keep rhythm is SUPER hard. I breathe wrong and it's off or he's going almost 5 gaited. 










Trying to bully into my right leg. He has a thing he does sometimes where he's like well I'm just going to push into pressure and you cant let him do that else he takes total control and does what he wants and I dont like it when he's stronger in one rein or the other which he does if he's trying to get out of engaging his right hind





Not feeling half steps or piaffe today. REALLY REALLY want a trainers help I might see about finding a way to work off lessons or something because I want a lessons SO SO bad. I LOVE taking lessons, it's a real pleasure for me but atm need a way to haul Wonder and come up with 75usd for a 1 lesson. Some days we have the piaffe and it's like I can just sit there and he carries, other days it's like no, no, no I dont want to and Im going to dance out from under you so I dont have to sit that much. I need help with the trot work, it's SO hard with him. On almost any other horse, even a back yard grade horse it's easier to get CLEAR trot rhythm and change from collected to medium or extended paces. I know he can do it but I need the timing to be spot on in me and I need to be strong enough to organize it better. I rode in the saddle and could work on it REALLY had to half halt STRONG with the posting trot to keep him clear and in rhythm. And organizing his extended canter. He has it but coming back from it is almost impossible. 





A few days ago, I rode him in the single bridle and he was SO SO naughty. Anytime I'd try to bend him right at all and he'd pull the reins out of my hands, turn left, flying change and go the other way! Tried running into the wall, he'd flying change at the wall and go the other way to keep running!I was shocked. Almost fell off a few times. Also have to keep my leg super still in the saddle or he is nervous and anxious with anticipation. I try to NEVER let him anticipate.

I really think tempi changes and all that will be really easy for this horse. On one hand he's really easy to train and on the other really difficult. He's super talented, by far the most talented thoroughbred I've ever seen for dressage. I think tempi changes are right there, I can feel them in them but we need more control in the canter. If you jiggle the rein a little too much he'll change on the long side or position and he'll change. It's easy for him. Piaffe and passage I think will be just as easy but I need a ground person to help. I can be the ground person if someone is sat on him but dont know anyone who knows how to be the ground person atm. He also HATES jumping, even polls on the ground he will do everything he can to dirty stop and avoid them *tears of laughter* it's hilarious. I've jumped him over about 75cm but I had to ride him all the way to the base and tap him behind my leg to make him go over or he'd dirty stop final moment. He does NOT want to jump. Even in hand tried a line, he literally spun around at the jump and almost ran over the top of me with a lunge whip. He says gah Mom I thought you knew I want to dance!

I really want a trainer. I have the one I really want to train with and I wonder if I could convince her to come and give lessons at the stable, if I could get a few more people interested. She's amazing. It's hard to find people because some arent comfortable teaching in english and because quite a few of the trainers, I have more feel then and would NOT get along with Wonder or some arrogantly will think oh I could fix Wonder and I guarentee if they sat on Wonder it'd be nothing but a fight of him pushing into pressure and saying F you. You have to win his mind and willingness to work with you, else you have nothing and he will fight hard. I promise he'd flip over on someone who was too much a bully or dominant or treated him without respect. He's a super mental ride. It's less about what you do and more about how you approach it and ride him with your mind. And also staying really center in your body, he will move the rider's body around to manipulate their position, so he can control where his body is. He's super clever and subtle about it but you'll feel it in your body like why am I crooked and you have to be like no Wonder this is my dance space, that's yours and you will bend around my leg and accept my outside rein and I will not hold you. Sometimes you can't let him go though or he's gone like a bullet. Sometimes can and he LISTENS to the core like he's supposed to and that's really nice, then other days not a shot in [email protected] unless you want to end up as a decoration on the arena wall.

But good news is he is more sound after working than before. When he's had a few days off, he looks a smidge off then he works and looks more sound. This it's the stifles as the vet says, he has to stay in work to keep them strong else if they're not strong and get weak it will wear on the stifles again. The very slight offness always looks right stifle and in the back, so I'm fairly certain it's muscular related and maybe he's like me and just has to do yoga or in his case dressage work to keep everything in place *Shrugs* glad I worked on rehabbing horses for a while and worked with vet, really good learning experience.


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## knightrider

DDN, you are so amazing, doing all that difficult riding BAREBACK! Also, my hat is off to you for struggling so hard with your issues. I wish you all the best!


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- Thank you! We've worked really hard. I try riding in the saddle but it feels like it blocks his back and is unbalanced left and right. I need to find someone who can fix it. Im a bit gun shy because it costs a lot and if they get it wrong, I can't afford to be about 200-300usd. 

But thank you. I appreciate the support!

Chiropractor found he was quite out in the pelvis and lumbar area. Our chiropractor is AMAZING! She does laser, acupuncture and muscle work. She isnt cheap but she spends a full hour and adjusts and does whatever Wonder needs. I think he was very grateful. Afterwards I took him for a walk along the road with the lip chain and he piaffed and passaged the ENTIRE time. I couldnt get him to walk but a few steps. He was AMPED and READY TO GO! I could feel the energy coming off of him in waves. I kept breathing deep and trying to keep calm and keep his energy from affecting me but he was INTENSE!

Something I hadnt really talked about as well is I LOVE riding horses like Wonder. I get an adrenaline rush every time I ride him because often times he feels like a bomb that could detonate at any moment and I love that feeling. It keeps me on my toes and makes me ride my @ss off and work to let go of all that extra energy and work on getting the relaxation and calmness. I have to be calm and I feel like I learn SO SO SO much more riding something like Wonder who makes it obvious if I make a small error than something more straight forward and less clever. This horse is so freaking clever, he keeps me on my toes with what he can work out. Some of the things he does shocks me because I've never seen a horse do it before. It's also important to remember Wonder does this because he wants to, if Wonder didnt want to there is NO way to make him do it. He knows exactly how to get his way and do what he wants. He's let me know a few times and how lucky I am that he allows me to influence him and how much Wonder wants to be apart of the team. We've definitely had discussions to convince him of being a team player but he is such a pleasure to work with. So rewarding. But I'll also say for Wonder being this clever and difficult is NOT an advantage. Horses like him end up being put down because they're written off as dangerous or hurt someone. IMO not what to look for but I love Wonder as is. He's my horse of a life time.

Another thing is Wonder is a very kind horse. He LOVES children and other animals. He will strike at a dog if it threatens him but if it's a passive dog playing at his feet Wonder will stand still as board to avoid hurting it. He'll also look after kids.

And yes Wonder is tall, Miguel is about 180cm tall and I'm 170cm. Wonder is 172cm at the shoulder for reference.


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## SueC

Your photos and updates always make me !

And your honesty is both refreshing, and educational for the community! :clap:


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you SueC- I try to inform people about mental health. I was misdiagnosed and not identified as bipolar but now I know for sure I have it after being off meds. I have to be very careful with how I manage myself and I do have to lower my expectations from myself and ambitions because it can trigger an episode where I cant function. It sucks but that's the reality. I can become really paranoid and my perception of reality can be pretty distorted sometimes and it gets really hard to separate what is my paranoia and distortion vs what is real. A lot of bipolar people can't separate so in relationships it can be really tough. I'm REALLY careful to recognize when my reality is distorted. A lot of bipolar people can't control it and I think relationships can be really rough with someone who isnt medicated and isnt able to control it. It's why a lot of the times I try so hard to find what I call the absolute, objective truth or reality is because I'm used to fighting my distorted reality that I have to see that space that is reality. 

I'll say mixed episode which blend depression with mania are AWFUL. Worse than depression. It's like being super irritated and angry while being extremely paranoid and filled with self loathing and all those negative thoughts and you cant control it once you're over the edge and it's so painful and impossible to focus. You can sort of manage until pushed over the edge then there is nothing you can do. 

And I think it is important to talk about, a lot of people would tell me dont talk about it but if everyone keeps quiet how can people learn? Share the experience and who knows maybe it will help someone understand a family member or friend better. I try to tell the story as is from my perspective. My thoughts are often scattered and I have a hard time organizing them and communicating what I see but I try. There is a lot of stigma about mental health because people dont know, because people are uneducated. And truthfully a lot of people who knew me work wise couldnt' believe I had a mental illness. I did a good job of covering it up. I had a period of time when I would go to work, be on it, take charge and do what I had to and then would get home and I couldnt eat or get out of bed at all. Then start over the next day. Make myself get out of bed and eat. And I was super thin, I get REALLY thin after a depression because I can barely eat. 

I had a "friend" say I was immature and felt sorry for myself but the narcissist who is no longer a friend had no empathy for anybody and couldnt understand the distinction between openly talking about mental illness and life experience and feeling sorry for yourself. She was a real piece of work, I knew her 10yrs. Really sh!tty person, pretty much ****ed off everyone in the area so no one would work for her. Good, hard working people were like she's a total psycho and she was. Incapable of empathy or genuinely caring for anyone other than herself and her reputation. Very controlling. Used to tell me to not talk about mental health at all and put me down all the time. Dare I have a positive thing to say about myself. I think her abuse set me up for the abusive relationships I had but that's all past and Miguel is wonderful to me and my animals. 

But thank you, I enjoy my little family of misfits :lol:

Wonder is SO happy after the chiropractor visit. He was really good today. We just did walk and trot but he was on a mission. Super super hot and reactive. He was so happy and he is SUPER DUPER bouncy in the trot, goodness all that movement back in his back. I almost fell off :lol: But he was a blast, he was having so much fun. Got him into extended trot and hew as like Im on it, cant stop me. I got this.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> Thank you SueC- I try to inform people about mental health. I was misdiagnosed and not identified as bipolar but now I know for sure I have it after being off meds. I have to be very careful with how I manage myself and I do have to lower my expectations from myself and ambitions because it can trigger an episode where I cant function. It sucks but that's the reality. I can become really paranoid and my perception of reality can be pretty distorted sometimes and it gets really hard to separate what is my paranoia and distortion vs what is real. A lot of bipolar people can't separate so in relationships it can be really tough. I'm REALLY careful to recognize when my reality is distorted. A lot of bipolar people can't control it and I think relationships can be really rough with someone who isnt medicated and isnt able to control it. It's why a lot of the times I try so hard to find what I call the absolute, objective truth or reality is because I'm used to fighting my distorted reality that I have to see that space that is reality.
> 
> I'll say mixed episode which blend depression with mania are AWFUL. Worse than depression. It's like being super irritated and angry while being extremely paranoid and filled with self loathing and all those negative thoughts and you cant control it once you're over the edge and it's so painful and impossible to focus. You can sort of manage until pushed over the edge then there is nothing you can do


I find that really interesting - there's such a huge difference between textbook explanations and lived experience. And while textbook explanations and theory can be helpful intellectually, they may not be that useful emotionally, for either people with a particular condition or their close friends. Personal stories, however, always connect on an emotional level as well, and in my own experience (with complex PTSD) there's such a disparity between what happens in your cerebrum and what happens in your "reptile brain" that textbook information is not enough. Not for us, and not for people trying to understand what we're dealing with. The textbook interacts with the thinking bit - the cerebrum - but the stories interact with the feeling bits as well, located in the more "primitive" areas of the brain (which is so funny, because feeling is actually more relevant to survival than thinking, which is why all animals feel, even if it's just sensing environmental data rather than emotional overlay - but not all animals necessarily think - say hydra, for instance).

How helpful have you found your intellect in nutting out what sort of "animal" your brain is? And do other people's shared lived experience of dealing with this stuff help you?

I'm a sort of uber-intellectual, and I've always wanted to know all the theory, all the mechanism behind something, on a biological level, and then, like with a Russian doll, you go deeper and deeper into biochemistry and then things like quantum physics to try to put the puzzle together on various levels. This is with anything that interests me, not just with working out how my brain was wired, and to what extent I can re-wire it.  And while I don't end up understanding everything, it's helpful to dive deeper, as well as fun, for me.

And this did help me enormously to cope with the challenges of my upbringing, both as an adolescent and as an adult (because complex PTSD is about chronic adverse childhood experiences from primary caregivers etc).

But I could never crack the emotional side - it was like its own beast. It sort of is that way. There was always this lack of connection of thought and emotion in the areas that had been affected - I could never connect the two up, they'd arrive separately, and clash with each other. Until I started reading stories of other people who'd survived things such as I have survived - then suddenly, the emotions and the thoughts and memories integrated. That didn't happen until I was in my early 40s. And with cPTSD, that's kind of typical actually, because one of your survival mechanisms in the first place was that you had to build a huge wall around your emotions, so you wouldn't be crushed by what was going on, and you had a chance to get out. And then all your life, you're living with these ghosts that are sort of intangible and that you can't quite reach. Until that wall comes down again, and it generally doesn't until you've landed in a genuinely safe spot, and you have a little bit of time to actually fall apart instead of having to survive and keep going. To actually acknowledge and process emotionally the thing that was always emotionally on hold.

With cPTSD I think that can be more straightforward than with, say, bipolar, because the etiology is so clear. Or perhaps I just know more about the etiology of my own condition! ;-) Perhaps you know truckloads on yours, and of course the general public doesn't, and I don't. I have a clear answer to my "why" though and it was really liberating, because once you know why it really is, you don't feel like you're defective somehow. But I can see how that would apply to pretty much every brain thing - it's all sort of the individual hardware plus the software, no matter what it is, and it's sort of crazy that all this shame and guilt are hung around such things, that should be no more hung around that than around a blistered heel, or an extra digit.

Pretty much everyone I know with cPTSD from childhood trauma says that the flowers they grew in the crap that life threw at them wouldn't have existed in their full technicolour without the crap AKA fertiliser. Of course, I'm mostly talking to people who are far along the road to healing, not people who are living in the street tied to a bottle of alcohol for oblivion. And it's scary to acknowledge how easily that could have been me, but wasn't.

But we do know that both non-neurotypical brains, and some acquired conditions, can actually come with some brilliant gifts that grew from all that.

Oooh, I've rambled around a bit, just thinking out loud here! 

Anyway, reading other people's stories was both very healing for me emotionally, and taught me that I should indeed tell my own story in order to pass on the benefits that has for some people who are going to be reading your stuff. And it's really amazing how many people have in turn shared their own stories with me, since I've been open about mine. And everyone in that process just feels better and gets more whole, and all that stuff that should be allowed out stops festering. Secrets are not always wonderful things. Unhappy secrets are awful things. I think we can own our shadow and our light, and interestingly, it has a tendency to diminish the shadow and to sort of turn the light up very brightly, at least in my own experience, and in the experience of people I've talked to about this.




> And I think it is important to talk about, a lot of people would tell me dont talk about it but if everyone keeps quiet how can people learn? Share the experience and who knows maybe it will help someone understand a family member or friend better. I try to tell the story as is from my perspective.


Exactamento! ;-)


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- I think you are more "logical" than I am, though I think I've become more emotional with age. Im pretty split between the two, so can reach into both pools. Sometimes I have to be careful, I think "gut instinct" is a farce. I cant trust it because my gut will say all kinds of crazy things that are non sense but people trust it and I dont know why. I think sometimes we can pick up on vibrations from people that are inconsistent or feel unnatural. But I will say a good psychopath or sociopath knows how to work past those natural alarms. Your gut wont pick up on a competent snake, they're so good at counteracting those alarms. I've known quite a few sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists so had a bit of a harsh wake up call that predators like that exist. Also with my paranoia and delusions I CANT trust gut instinct. I can pick up on emotional vibrations or read situations but gut instinct will put me on alert and I'll use logic to sort. Else it's assumption and may be right but may be wrong too. I think way too much credit goes to instinct. It has it's place but it isnt a truth detector either. 

For example my gut instinct told me not to buy Wonder, that is was a big gamble and he might be dead lame but I bought him and it was one of the most life altering events of my life. I wouldn't be in Denmark if it werent for Wonder. Buying Wonder brought me to the contacts that connected me to Denmark. I wouldn't have met Miguel if it werent for Wonder.

I think everyone with a mental illness is a bit different, even within the same diagnosis. I think the cause varies and isnt the same person to person, plus treating with medication is different. My hope one day is someone can do a DNA test and scan the brain to know why a person has a diagnosis and how to properly treat it because now it is mostly guess work. The cause isnt the same for every person and I think that is where it gets sticky. I think pure logic doesnt work in psychology, really need the emotion to balance and understand. And truthfully have to be flexible and adjust to each individual as a unique person. I think most people end up falling into groups as you see patterns between. I think maybe this is why my psychologist finds me so fascinating. 

It also makes sense with childhood trauma. There are quite a few people in my life who have had serious childhood trauma and it shuts off an emotional part in them. And I think they are better as turning off emotion when needed. I call it being able to turn on the inner sociopath which to cope with certain abuse and trauma is an important coping mechanism. I do it too. I've experienced PTSD, I completely forget about it until something triggers it and it's like I'll start shaking, my heart starts palpating and Im not safe to drive and the memories replay in my mind and make me really edgy and wary of people. There are certain things I just dont talk about because then I have to relive it and a mess for days. With that stuff I think it's REALLY hard for people to understand who havent experienced it. It is something primitive in the brain and you can't control it, you can sort of manage it so the effects arent triggered but when there no matter how logically you approach it you cant just "will" yourself out. It's something deep and primal. I think a lot of power comes from understand the diagnosis and where it comes from. A lot of people get offended by "labels" but I never thought of a label as a limiting factor (unless you make it so and hold yourself to a checklist) but I think of it as an opportunity to understand yourself and what you experience better. 

I also understand the evolutionary track too, so I understand about the different evolutionary layers that allow for more complex thought and ways of experiencing life.

With the gifts, there are definitely advantages. I know since I was a teenager my Dad would take me to these special business social type things where you dress up and meet female CEOs, CFOs etc and they'd tell my Dad that I had a remarkable mind and he needed to make sure I got every opportunity to make it. Or I've had a few professors say I was brilliant and could do whatever I wanted. They said we always tell people they can be whatever they want but that's not true, you can. Intelligence and talent wise, I know I have it but function and pragmatics I dont. I've been told a few times how can you be so smart and dumb at the same time? I also have aspergers and my brain just cant figure out basic things and I definitely have total retard moments that a normal person would never have. A moment with Miguel for a recipe (we both like to cook). But for a Portuguese dish he loves I had to feel 2/3s of the potatoes and I asked why and he said because we dont need all of them. And well I peeled 2/3s of an individual potato and he just busted out laughing. Like super basic things I just wont understand and I also have learning handicaps. For example reading complex material I cant understand from reading, I have to be shown because I see things by how they connect and work. It's like a visual framework in my brain that to communicate I have to translate because I experience through sensation and think by what I see and feel. I see patterns, for example Einsteins' theory of relativity I can visualize it in my mind and see how it interacts but to explain is a challenge. I used to spend hours just talking in front of a mirror to get the right flow of words because I spoke robotic like for a while. I couldnt find a flow and thinking took so long it was rough.

I still over process and think too much. I cant do basic math if Im out of practice, with practice I can do algebra and trig in my head but out of practice I way over process and everything get scrambled. For me to learn new information, I have to download at least 10x more information to understand than other people because I have to understand a topic deeply. I cant just take it in at face value. Makes education a struggle. And also because I have no focus. If Im not interested in the material, I cant make myself study. But I think a lot of "non-typical" minds struggle a lot. I know Miguel has dyslexia and he doesnt think he's very smart but Im like youre an electrical engineer with some neat ideas that come from your mind. I think because he isn't intellectual he feels that way but he sees things and just has an innate understanding of how to make things work. He also understands Wonder. He has a friend who is a Professor from the University of Chicago for Economics and I think I shocked him with my ideas. He thought they had come from some article or if I had a PHD and I was a little shy about saying no the ideas come from my mind. I've just read a lot of scientific journals and read on a variety of subjects like law, neuroscience, psychology, philosophy, economics, history, art, physics, biology, evolutionary science or whatever interested me. Like you it becomes a fixated obsession and I dont know everything but enough to understand and then dig deeper and find more and find each layer and subjects adds so much value to my overall understanding it is worth it. A lot of times I dont talk about this stuff because I think people take it personally or get insecure or feel threatened. I'll look at something as being objective and dont really look down on people because they dont see things how I do. In fact I like that we're all so different and see different things and in fact part of why I love the nordics and Denmark is because it is totally okay to have discussions of full length with people and disagree and it's entirely respectful. Dont have to agree, just respect and that is so special. Cant do that in the US.

I like "misfits" best. Those are the people I find the most interesting and objective and I love learning from all sorts. They tend to be the most innovative and least judgmental. I think they tend to look at life like I do and aim to be as objective as possible in their outlook and that tends to set off a lot of people. You give an objective opinion and reasoning that hurts feelings and suddenly your evil and people call you a hypocrite :lol: and it's like why dont you look in the mirror. But the ones who march to their own drum will understand what I'm saying and think on it, rather than take offense. 

Wonder saw the vet today. We will have a lameness exam another time, she said he looked very slightly off behind and likely just needs an injection or something mild. He had hooks, so getting his teeth done was a good thing and lip cuts from the lip chain, so may be buying a longer one. She thought it was a real shame Wonder was gelded, she said you dont see thoroughbreds like him and breeders are desperate to get their hands on some quality thoroughbreds. She said he would pass as a danish warmblood and we talked about sport horses and that Ive had some people say they hate his trot and she said why he moves like a GP horse. It's probably because they expect to see one of the FEI style movers that will never touch the GP. Very different style of motion between a horse that will do great at the FEI young horse-PSG or I1 then to the GP. There is a reason those GP horses dont move with so much leg motion as the youngsters, it changes their movement when you ask a horse to really sit and collect and you lose some of the freedom for the collection and sit, so you can ask for movements. It's a different horse that succeed at the GP vs low to mid level. Even Valegro doesnt move anywhere near like some of the young horses Ive seen as stallion shows.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Wonder was quite good today. Yesterday rode in the snaffle and worked mostly on trot. I dont feel safe cantering him outside in the single. He can be SUPER naughty and if he feels like it will just run through my seat and hand. Should it be that way? No but not sure there is much to do about it. Looking at him I dont think you can see it but if you sat on him you'd understand. He doesnt lack any sort of confidence and if he wants will just take hold of the bit and do whatever he [email protected] well pleases. I can stop a lot of it and get him pretty good but he's his own horse. Also think I need to tighten the curb chain a hole because it looks more engaged than it actually is. The chain is a bit loose. 

And I explained about the right rein and how he wants to get light and trick you into grabbing the left but you must keep the right rein. Put your elbow into your rib cage, keep straight through that shoulder and dont let him con you into giving it up because he will. He will absolutely manipulate and try to contort the rider's body to avoid having to use his whole self. He really teaches you how to use your position and where your body is. He's taught me a lot.

I helped the girl who is going to be riding him while I am away. She does quite a nice job with him. I'm really impressed because he is a really hard horse to ride. She said he's really hard to ride and from the ground you dont see at all what he is undersaddle. He's very very bouncy and hard to organize and in the trot you cant just push him on, you have to regulate rhythm and cant push big or he is irregular. It's a lot of keeping count in your mind and moving with the movement of his rib cage and feeling his legs to create a bit more lift and suppleness. It is not easy. I was panting really hard and struggling to keep breath...have also torn my calf muscle quite badly and can't walk on it very well. I limp :lol: Wonder didnt breathe heavy once. He's just like okay walk through the park. I think I work harder than he does most rides.

I think she gets along with him because she is a jumper and I think jumpers tend to adapt more to the horse they are riding vs dressage riders tend to have a set system and expect every horse to follow that exact system else the horse is throw away. I think jumpers are more flexible (generally). I also explained in trot what I'm finding is with rhythm if I have a rotating seat and sort of move his rib cage with the motion I get more suppleness, softness and expression. And that he is getting the idea for the passage but it isnt there and that it takes more steps with a Wonder type than a warmblood but it's in there. She got a few steps with the idea of passage and got a few true piaffe steps on him. I would share video but I try not to share personal video of other riders without their permission as we are private people and not public. It was nice that she could feel and understand him and understand why I do some of the things I do. She said watching him it's so easy to say oh well should you just do this, this or this and then sitting on him you understand why that just doesnt work. She has good feel and said from the ground you dont realize how much he tries to take control or how much he tries to use his strength to bully you. He's not heavy in the bridle but he's so strong. 

I really think the piaffe needs a ground person to really get there. I think it's on the cuffs but need that extra help. It's right there and the passage feeling is in there too. It's a ways away but the idea of it is being introduced and introducing it is in a feel for the rhythm. I think it's super easy to teach on a warmblood because you can really push them through and tap, tap to get the extra lift but that's not an option with Wonder. So it's moving the rib cage, feeling the lift of the legs and slowly adding a bit of a suspense to it. Super hard to explain but it was nice to have someone who understood what I was talking about. Emma used to work for a GP dressage trainer and had a lot of dressage experience too.

Also it's really hard to ride and try to explain at the same time. It is NOT perfect, I have never claimed that and dont think that way. There is a lot to work on and improve on but I focus most on where we're headed. 
Before video we did a walk pirouette and was explaining how it's like a half pass into a bend because you're always keeping a forward beat. They must never stick their hoof in the ground and pivot. All 4 legs must come off the ground at some point. Same in the canter pirouette which is why a canter pirouette is a 4 beat and not a 3 beat. 

You do have to ride him with more hand than I prefer but the other option is if you dont, he totally takes control and you lose steering and brakes so that's how it is. 





Wonder working on changes. Lots more work, especially the left to the right and not running away with me. He did his thing today. Emma thought it was quite naughty where if you take too much right rein, he just does a flying change and spins left. I said yeah...he does that. At least she is a jumper with a good seat and not intimidated by it. Finds it amusing like I do but still to correct it, just doesnt get in a fight with him. I said you fight, you lose with him but at the same time you have to be really clear with him and make him toe the line. And she said she could feel it in the warm up he really tries to fight and challenge you for dominance and control and that he really knows how to use his strength against you. But the good thing is you dont have to motivate him for anything, you just encourage, ask and show the line.






Also talked about in shoulder in how I feel like I feel his inside hind leg as it leaves the ground and feel it stepping up and through my outside half halt and how in haunches in its like the outside hind is stepping through to the inside shoulder. And that I feel like when I actively engage inside rein, I follow with my inside leg to move the rib cage over into my outside half halt so I could pet him with the inside rein and he stays there. Showed that a few times and exaggerated the gives to show my goal is that he is self carrying. My goal is that I just put my reins together and position and he follows through. Obviously in training and warm up it doesnt work that way but a goal is important or a mind's idea of what it should be some day.

REALLY need to get my paperwork DONE. It is crunch time. I leave for Copenhagen Monday night to pick up my passport Tuesday morning to take a 0600 flight to Lisbon on Wednesday and meet with Miguel for a 3wk tour of Morocco and Europe. I'm really excited but a bit nervous too...


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## SueC

Ouch to your torn calf muscle! Maybe you could skateboard for a while, it would disguise the limping and increase the velocity. ;-) When you're not riding, of course!

I'll make more constructive comments when my head is back on properly after this week.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- It's okay, take care of yourself ;-) I think you have a healthy way of processing. I wish the skateboard would work, that'd be awesome! They have these things in Copenhagen I could rent but they're a bit expensive :lol: think I'll bike.

And yes it needs to get better so I can do all the walking and cycling Ill need to do in Copenhagen on the quest for my passport :lol: 

I was thinking about this a lot and I think it's true in both life and horses. Nobody (Im generalizing, dont take literally) cares if you struggle, nobody cares when you hurt and nobody cares what you've been through. They only care about what they see. Some people only see flaws and imperfections because no matter how far you've come or how much you've improved those people have something in them that is insecure and desperate for acceptance. Some people hate you because your good traits threaten their self perception.

Some people are just miserable and have to take it out on everyone else. When I was younger I had a lot of people always trying to blow out my candle and put me down. The trainer I worked for did for almost 10 years, even when an international judge told her I had the talent to be an international class rider and to find me a horse so I could do it and that she'd like to continue working with me. At the time I didnt understand being 21. But a part of me is kicking myself for not stepping up pursuing that opportunity. I was so worried about being liked or offending my trainer because I had the utmost respect and admiration for her. Much of my life I've been so desperate to please other people and to be what other people wanted me to be. I just wanted to see people happy and to accept me because I was unable to accept myself. I still struggle with it. I still struggle with problems of feeling adequate or good enough. I never feel like what I am is enough but I try. 

I still struggle with paranoia, trust issues, anxiety that is usually attached to depression.

Sometimes it scares me to talk about some aspects of the illness because people dont understand and they assume meaning WITHOUT ever ASKING. People flat out dont understand that we hallucinate our realities (everyone, not just bipolars or schizophrenics or "crazy" people) and our perceptions are not facts. They are not objective reality which is always where Im trying to find myself because I cannot trust my perception of reality. And I will not alter to make people comfortable to to appease the "accepted" opinions of the time. Usually when I draw a conclusion there is a well thought out reason. And I sometimes fry my brain trying to explain because Im desperate to make people understand but the fact is people can only understand to the extent they are aware. You cannot explain the color green to a blind person who has never seen it and it is the same with all of us. I sometimes have a hard time connecting and explaining. I've before explained to someone on social perception using quantum mechanics and string theory. Trying to explain that our perceptions arent always conclusive of what is real. Used super basic quantum mechanics about a single thing being in two places at once, that time in reality isnt how we experience it because we can only experience it one direction and the reality is all of time exists simultaneously. I've explained about parallel dimensions and how there are aspects of reality we simply cannot perceive and so we need to question our beliefs and ideas without getting too far removed from reality. 

I also have to be careful how much I explore theoretical physics because I get SUPER obsessive and then cant connect to people at all and feel like a mad woman set loose. It's also hard to explain perception. I think being bipolar you have a very different perceived reality and have to be that much more self aware to basically get by day by day because your head will try to distort objective reality from what is real and you'll imagine things to be true that arent but you'll really believe them. Like thinking you can fly and can pass through walls, you have to ground yourself in logic and know that isnt real even if your brain says it is. Or that people arent out to get you or dont hate you. Your brain will tell you a lot of things that arent true but it feels real and can be really hard to separate. However it gives a unique window into how we experience and see the world. In some ways it is a gift and a window into self awareness and understanding of others. And I think we need to educate that their are strengths too.

Another is that no matter how articulate or clear or honest or genuine you are there are people who will misunderstand and hate anything you say simply because you are you and it has nothing to do with accuracy. It's sad but how it is.






I've fought to be who I am today, many people have fought and those are the people I identify with and admire. When I watch other riders and things, I generally try to celebrate their successes. I dont care if someone is better or worse, as long as theyre happy and enjoying the journey and being fair/good to others and not abusive their horse. Like Emma was putting herself down saying she cant ride like Wonder like I can and that he wont go forward in training and I said you did a really good job with him, he's a really tough horse to ride. Just have fun and enjoy him, Im not worried. You can jump, polls, etc just enjoy and learn. It's good for him to have other riders on. She is fair and kind to the horse's and her energy is never dominating or abusive or conceited, she's a good person and a nice rider. She has a lot of talent and good feel. She needs to give herself more credit.


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## SueC

Ah, Stephen Fry! Isn't he fun and inspirational! I just heard him on a programme called Desert Island Discs, really nice interview:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b05zg6ng

I have somehow missed what happened to your saddle. Is it in repairs / not suitable?

That point you're making about being happy for other people's achievements and encouraging, I've wondered why that's not more widespread, and why a lot of people have to tear people down instead. Part of it I'm sure is immaturity - and you can be 70 and not emotionally mature, or 15 and very emotionally mature. It may be correlated with a poor attitude to continued learning. But here's something interesting - I met a woman once who was doing a PhD on this stuff - and she was looking at the rise of reality TV and its effect on culture and attitude. She was telling me that this mindset of looking for something to pick on so you could kick somebody off - you know, eliminating a set of people every round - was creating a sort of cultural mindset like that, where a lot of people now view the world similarly to how this is done on reality TV programmes. Instead of looking for things to praise and encourage, they're looking for flaws to dismiss people for, because that's what's been modelled for them. Obviously not the only factor, but that was a really interesting conversation. A lot of people are very glued to things like that, and what's portrayed on TV shows like that becomes sort of culturally acceptable to many. Of course, unhelpful attitudes have been around longer than these shows, but she was suggesting they're being culturally spread this way.

Have fun with the paperwork! ;-) A friend went to Morocco and loved the experience.


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## frlsgirl

How exciting that you get to go on an adventure with Miguel!

I’m glad Denmark is working out so well for both you and Wonder. Isn’t it interesting how they change our lives?!? If I hadn’t bought Ana, I wouldn’t have connected with some amazing people. She challenges me constantly to be a better rider and to evaluate my options. Horses are amazing at what they do!


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- that is a really interesting thought. I hadnt heard of that before but it makes sense. I think a lot of people are competitive as well as insecure and so by putting someone else down or comparing they feel a bit better. I do it some too, I think we all do. 

Tanja- Thank you! Im really nervous but excited too!! 

And thank you. I agree. It's a joy to have the horses who make our world complete. Nobody else has to understand the love or devotion, as long as you love and appreciate the journey 

I am really short on time but wanted to say I probably wont be one or really be able to reply until the 23 or 24th of April. I am not taking my computer with me. We're doing too much off roading for that.

I rode Wonder in the single bridle last two days and he was really good. Yesterday was quite light just shorten, length, working and having him lower in the frame and more relaxed. Shallow loops, circles, serpentines, leg yield, shoulder in, few half pass steps. So really light. 

Today we did a lot of extensions. Holy sh!t did he ever figure it out, I almost fell off trying to sit his extended trot. Good Lord is it horrifically bouncy. Never felt anything like it in the world. Tons of power, scope and size. Those big long legs are something. And it'll only improve from here :shock: Absolutely HAVE to rotate the seat with it and alternate legs into the extension and Wonder goes HUGE HUGE HUGE. I saw in the mirror. Holy Sh!t does that boy have some reach. It can improve too but wow. The trot has gotten a lot better. And he LOVES to extend **** it's sweet. After he got the idea of doing it with a rider it's all he wanted to do, so to keep him in a medium trot took a bit of half halting because all he wanted to do was extend :lol:

We had some cuddles and I stretched him and gave him kisses, a bath and a massage. Not sure he likes the butt massage. Think his hiney is a bit sore.

This next month he'll mostly be playing over polls and jumps and more light work, some collection too but lighter work regiment. I think he's going to need injections in the hind end.

I'm struggling with hypomania atm. I dont know if struggle is the right work but Im eurphoric and high as a kite. Bad part is Im not all that aware of repercussions and can be quite impulsive. I bleached my hair, why oh why did I do it. I dont know. I'm a natural blonde, it was a mistake but I was like oh yeah that's a good idea *head desk* it's only hair but dont know why I did it Can barely sleep but got all my paperwork done. I feel crazy, my head has so many crazy thoughts and irrational conclusions. It's like being so so so elated and happy and at the same time so so so over stimulated and it feels like a bunch of thoughts cluster going boom, boom, boom all the time. And thinking oh WOW I have some BRILLIANT transforming, life altering ideas. I'm not too far gone but I dont entirely trust my judgement either. I've set timers on my phone for EVERYTHING or Ill totally forget. It's a different perception and way of experiencing the world and have to adapt to function.

The many faces of Wonder and my natural hair color. Dont have any of the new color. I am hoping to fix it soon. But it is white atm. I look like a ghost, I'm already really pale. Oh well only hair. I match the wall :shock:


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## knightrider

Have a great trip! Can't wait to read all about it when you get back. I'm glad Wonder has a good person looking out for him.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Back from a very long trip! was gone about 3 weeks. Went to Portugal. We spent a few days there with Miguel's family and friends. That went well. I also got a lesson on a GP lusitano with a GP rider. He was a very gentle, classically trained rider. I learned a lot. Very little video was taken sadly. Miguel had to go take care of the truck to prepare for our journey. The lesson was really productive. Mostly I ride piaffe and passage work very well but need to work on my count in the changes. That is weak, unfortunately cant work on it with Wonder for a while. We have a lot of work before tempis but may try to take lessons on school masters from trainers I find and like. May go back to Germany for training. Miguel's Aunt knows some top trainers in Germany, they're Portuguese but trying for the olympics. Great riders, so we're trying to check them out.

Then we went to Spain then Morocco, Spain, France, Luxembourg, Belgium, Holland, Germany and back to Denmark. I really liked France. I wasn't expecting that but Im becoming more European. I like the outlook of life so much better. It's less this anxious rat race and more enjoy like. Enjoy the wine and cheese, watch the sunset and enjoy. Work hard but enjoy life. There is balance and I like that. Learning slowly. Really enjoyed the trip with Miguel. We didnt fight once and are much closer now. We're a good team but he's also really independent and I back off a bit and let him do his thing, I help where I can and trust him. But I do the same thing with Wonder. I like to do a lot for myself because I want it done a certain way because Ive been doing it a long time and know the way I want it done :lol:

Wonder was good when I came back but not really interested in me. He just wanted to snuggle with Miguel, his favorite person. But Alma was SUPER happy to see us. Was so so loving and has been super cuddly and lovely.

To ride have some work to do with Wonder and he looks off behind. I know it's because Wonder takes some maintenance to make sound and if he's not worked over the back and coming from behind he gets lame behind. This has to be addressed undersaddle. Lunging and in hand cant address the same areas. I'm very glad I did a lot of rehab in the past, was a great experience and learned the importance of correct work for soundness. Saw some amazing things come from basic dressage work of working over the back, connecting to the bridle, working in balance, in rhythm, etc. Some horses need a certain type of work program to be sounder. I knew a few horses who would never be "sound" but had to be worked for were lame and they were all on at least 8hrs of turnout a day. Wonder is going out now that the fields arent mud and he isnt that off but his posture just wasnt the same. It was sort of like he was half asleep in the beginning. If he's lazy and lethargic then he doesnt feel good. When he perks up and is his border collie temperament is when he feels good. I really worry if he looks too quiet. It doesn't usually mean he's relaxed, it means he's uncomfortable. After work he was back to being Wonder, perked up, walk outside passagey, eager and anxious.

He perked up a lot after we worked. I didn't do a whole lot. Just hey the contact is a direct line of connection. It felt a bit broken which comes from too much left-right movement of the bit and not enough sending up and through to the bit. So I bridged my reins and just did basic exercises to bring his back up and have him step inside hind leg to outside rein and just have him follow my body through circles and serpentines. He felt laterally stiff (struggle on Wonder, not a naturally supple horse). The rider did a good job, nothing that isnt a simple fix. But I think Wonder may need injections in the hind end. We'll see how he goes after using his back and getting that swing back. It's similar with me, I have quite a lot of pains in my body. Especially my knees, hips and lower back. If I do stability exercises and yoga type stuff Im okay but without I get increasingly more crippled. I have to keep parts of my body strong or I need assistance to walk. 

Also dont really understand why the more beginner a person is, the more convinced they know best how to fix someone elses horse. Always seems the less people know, the more confident they are that they know best. I dont get that. Im thinking it's lack of experience and thinking every horse will go like a textbook or be easy and they think other people dont know how easy it is. *shrugs* I dont know. I take ground work very seriously and am pretty serious about manners and get the impression when I'm firm with Wonder and do things with him people just dont have a clue what Im doing and think Im some crazy person. Especially when Wonder breaks his stud chain and gets loose. Need to a buy a longer one. When Wonder wants something, Wonder gets it. We tied him up and he wanted grass, so he broke the chain. Wonder will never change.

Just a small sample. I'll post more about the trip. Just busy and figuring out how to articulate and communicate again :lol:


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## DanteDressageNerd

Sums the relationship with Wonder. Wonder wants what Wonder wants and will communicate his opinions. 






This is the only video I got of the lesson. Im grateful for any. Miguel's mom videoed us a bit because Miguel had to go to get the truck worked on. 






My timing in the change was off, very clearly see this. He has a smaller stride than Wonder, so the count needed to be for me on the 4th instead of the 3rd. It got much better but then had to stop practicing because there were 8 riders in the arena and my timing wasnt quite right. Also tricky to get on someone's personal GP horse and try to ride it half as well. This isnt a schoolmaster, this was the trainer's personal competition horse. So it was a real treat to ride him and be taught as well. Could really focus on me and being more refined and delicate in my riding. This horse was very sensitive and actually pretty hot. Different than Wonder, I think he was more sensitive but not as strong but more sensitive and reactive, more spooky than Wonder. Lusitanos are spicier than PREs. But similar to ride in the trot to Wonder, all about the rhythm for the swing. Not like warmbloods or most thoroughbreds or horses where you push them into rhythm and can create action from power and pressure. With a lusitano and PRE, as well as with Wonder it's from timing in the seat and rhythm control to create a trot. Super hard to explain the difference but I get why they say most northern europeans cant successfully ride the spanish or portuguese horses. Totally different brain, movement and system for success. The one I rode was trained very correctly. I complimented the trainer a lot on how well trained his horse was. I said I wish I could spend 10 days having a lesson every day on him to get the timing because a lot of the issues were timing and me trying to learn someone else's horse. The trainer did an amazing job, he rode so different from the other trainers. Very refined and gentleness, the piaffe and passage came from desire to work for the rider vs pressure or force. He said I rode the laterals and piaffe and passage very well. The changes were my problem and sometimes not being still enough. Riding the canter is different, I think riding it a bit deeper in the canter stride and with less peak if that makes any sense. Like it's a much smaller canter stride and have to ride in the hip deeper and shorter and invite more bounce into the pelvis. Hard to explain. It's a feeling thing. The trainer understood what I meant. The strength of this horse is the collection, extended work is hard similar to Wonder. Have to work on collection and rhythm first then can work more on length, else it is all out of rhythm and a mess. They need more strength to maintain the length of stride and keep rhythm. Didnt have rhythm issues in the trot with the lusitano but talking to the trainer, it's the same steps with them as Wonder based on the strength in collection and weakness in the length. Good quality for a GP horse, not the best quality in development or lower level goals.

He said I have very good feel and timing but need to be steadier and more delicate. With this horse I could really focus on me and my imperfections. Was super productive. Also glad to have been on a personal competition horse and to ride something that is that sensitive and well tuned. He trains similar to me in that he uses the horse's desire to do and always inspiring the horse, it wasnt from pressure or bullying.






Morocco

I rode horses in Morocco too, Miguel as well. was a good experience for us. They tried to scam us and way over price. We asked the price before hand and then they tried to make triple. Always write down agreed upon price. We galloped into the fields, up a mountain and among sheep and shepherds. Was beautiful. Miguel has pictures and video. I dont have them yet. Moroccans tend to be very greedy. We gave quite a lot of clothes and useful things but they always ask for more and assume because you're white that you're loaded and owe them something. They also try to scam money from you and act very entitled. Some are very grateful and shy. We gave much more to them. In general it is a safe country, they generally arent thieves or violent. And Id say many are good people but have to watch because they are greedy and will try to scam you. 

Cats are well treated and friendly but many were sick and diseased. I did a mistakes of petting one and was surrounded by ten climbing on me and wanting cuddles. Had to put all those clothes in a sealed plastic bag and shower after. They were sick but people dont have the money to care for them. But they are treated with kindness. The parents would tell their kids to be gentle when petting the cats. They wouldn't let the children be rough with them. To me that says a lot. They're good people but scammers.

It is a developing country but no one was hungry. Some people are super generous. We did mostly wild camping and camped through Europe too, to save money and avoided tolls as much as possible. Mostly saw the country side and avoided cities as much as possible. I didnt especially like Spain but rode horses there too. Rode a horse I quite liked. He was a veteran, been there done that. I sat on him and I could tell he was the type who would have done anything he could for me. He had zoned out to do the job he was asked to do but he was one who you ask, he wakes up and is right there with you as eager to please as Wonder. Really liked that horse. But he knows how to play the game, Wonder doesnt. Wonder has a will all of his own and he will argue and fight you until you convince him and say no Wonder, respect me. I respect you. Work with me and we're a team.


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## frlsgirl

Wow what a treat! Sounds like a great experience. I’m sure Wonder is happy to have his personal assistant back


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## frlsgirl

I meant to ask you, have you seen a lot of Knapstrupper horses around Denmark since that’s their country of origin and what’s your opinion on them? Do they make good Dressage mounts?

I just love their coloring...


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## DanteDressageNerd

Well I'll update because maybe it'll be therapeutic and quite frankly Im gonna be doing well someday.

Wonder is doing great. Chiropractor saw him and said he's the soundest he's looked. And yes BTW I have worked with a vet and chiropractor on his soundness, we've treated for ulcers, worms, blood pannels, x rayed pretty much everything from top to bottom. Several ultrasounds, he is fine. It is NOT because he is hurt, it is because of previous injuries, scar tissue and because he moves a certain way. He needs more help to have a trot rhythm. That is a fact. A competent trainer with experience with a variety of types recognizes that. I've had people look at him before and they're like why dont you push him more forward into the hand and I said because it doesnt work. When they rode, they understood but before didnt understand. He is like a spanish or portuguese horse, there is not a line of connection that way like with most thoroughbreds or warmbloods or arabs, etc. Also talked to chiropractor (chiropractors are almost vets here) and she agreed, he had to stay in work or he will move off. 

I joked with them as well about oh maybe if we chuck Wonder in a field for a few months he'll be fixed. And they were like havent you already done that? And I said yes. He came back much worse than before. He had 4 days off this week and he was so spooky and out of his mind. I couldnt believe it was Wonder, Mister Im so confident I come out to life with boxing gloves. I dont run from fear, I attack fear. I think he is better today, I hope but sorta funny. He is turned out daily now, we have someone who can handle him and he's been good. 

The piaffe work is quite good and the passage is coming. A friend of mine who is on the national team said his piaffe looks really good and suggested to me how to improve his trot and organization into the extended trot because the transition is still rough and he has a few irregular steps. Her horse who is now showing high level and on the national team said same problem with my horse, I understand. It took years to really fix and a lot of playing within the gait and developing piaffe and passage like you have. She said with horses like this you work on collection before extension, so you can organize the gait. It's a lot of pushing followed by a really strong half halt. And allowing him to get big, as well as allow himself to be organized and it just takes time and not to worry about the irregular steps. It's just him figuring out how to extend while working in a high level frame and with horses without a natural trot, it's much much harder and takes much much more time. It's nice to hear because she has a I1 horse and really knows her stuff. I respect her a lot.

We've been looking for a trainer for months but have no had luck. Asked my friends on the national team again if they could think of anybody and they said no. Of course they know good trainers but finding someone who can sit on Wonder and be able to work with him, no. I asked if they thought the trainer's would sit on him and they said honestly I think few would dare. I said well that's frustrating lol. And they said yeah well Mister Wonder is special, we've never seen a horse like him and I laughed and said me neither. That's why he is here :lol: Chiropractor said the same thing, dont let a trainer sit on him. He'll revert to all the bad behavior youve fixed. They'll make him mean, defensive and aggressive dont send him to a trainer. Take lessons, dont let them ride him.

We've done tons of cavaletti and poll work to help him with the trot. He is the trickiest horse I've ever worked with for the trot. He has such a talent for collection but getting the reach, regularity and softness is a struggle and takes time. It has been quite good and some days we really have the transition and reach into the extended trot but it's going to take a long time to make show ready. 

As for me, I am not doing well. I will be fine but Miguel has done very very bad things to me. He has cheated multiple times with multiple women and the extent of betrayal is very hard for me to accept and wrap my head around. The amount of lying, deception and I was so shocked. I dont talk about it much but I made a suicide attempt a few months ago in December and it makes me sick to know while I was that sick, he was in Bali with other women having the time of his life. I do not know that he is a sociopath but by someone very educated in the subject has pointed to me he has all the signs. You just dont want him to be because that means you have to accept responsibility for choosing another of the same type. And I dont really want to say yes every man I have ever dated has been a psychopath or sociopath because how could I be so stupid? I have never dated a man who hasnt cheated on me, lied to me, manipulated me or deceived me. This one was just the most convincing. And I am trying to figure out my pattern of abuse in the men I choose. I work with an amazing psychologist who is very old school Dane. NO BS what so ever. He said it's because I ignore my instincts and intuition and dont trust myself. And I am too accommodating and too understanding. And I just dont know how I allowed this man to fool me and to take advantage and to believe all the lies. He is the best [email protected] liar I've ever seen in my life and I've known some incredible liars. I need to stop fighting for people who work to disrespect and hurt me.

I spent a few days in London for legal reasons and just drank beer and talked about life, listened to people's stories and they listened to mine. And people were stunned. They looked at me and said but you look like a model, as though bad things dont happen because you look a certain way. And I said that has nothing to do with it. I could be perfect in every way, it wouldnt change his behavior. It's not my fault. Sh!tty things happen every day, Im not special. 

I look at my horse choices, I LOVE problem children. I LOVE difficult horses and it's the same with people. I LOVE Wonder in a way I dont love any other horse and it is because he is a pain in the @ss and he needs me and he's unique. I could search the world and I wont find another Wonder. In Denmark, pretty much everyone has said Wonder is so lucky to have you. If it were anyone else he'd be in a hole in the ground. And maybe it's a desperate need for validation and to feel like I matter, that I make a difference in someone's life.


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## PoptartShop

Sorry to hear that about Miguel, but it sounds like he is a very good actor & knew exactly what he was doing. He's probably been doing it for years. It sounds like he's probably done this to many women, not just you, it's disgusting but I wouldn't ever want to see him again, that's for sure. He's dirty for that. Sounds like he just travels & meets all these women, acts like he cares then just goes onto the next one...definitely a scumbag. I wouldn't call him a sociopath, giving him a mental excuse, no, he's more like a player & a lot of guys are like that sadly. No excuse for that behavior, but it sounds like that's just how he is & he probably won't change. Especially a man his age, he probably won't ever change. Better off without him! At least you found out before anything too serious happened. Most guys are jerks but the good ones are out there, just hard to find. Better off just focusing on yourself & your studies. But you did get to go on some nice trips, that's like the only upside! :lol: Screw 'em.

Hopefully you can eventually find a trainer though. It'd be nice to have someone to help you with him/there's always more to learn, even if we think there isn't.


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## egrogan

I just want to commend you for being open to support and continuing to share. I am glad you have Wonder. We are all pulling for you.


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## lostastirrup

Cassandra! 
That's awful. Shame on him. He has no respect for what he has betrayed. You're incredible and beautiful and smart and talented. He cannot do better than you and it's absolutely horrible that he could be so flippant. I love the picture of you riding in the snow outside. In spite of conditions you keep going.


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## SueC

Dear @DanteDressageNerd, I am so sorry you've had another romantic disappointment. :hug: We genuinely love you here, for who you are, and are flying your flag, and will be here to cheer you on, and to talk to when you need a friend. :hug:

You're still very young, although I know from having been your age that it doesn't feel it when you're there. There are many, many positive possibilities in your life waiting to unfold. Someone once said to me, when I was going through a rough time, "You have to dig through a lot of mud to find gold." This is very true. It is natural to feel disappointed and lousy after the sort of experience you had. But, please do not be discouraged, and don't kick yourself over having been deceived either. Deceiving another person is 100% the moral failing of the person doing the deceiving - there is _no_ moral failing because you've been at the receiving end of that, just as there is no moral failing on your behalf if someone has burgled your house.

I too, in past deceptive romantic relationships, wondered, "What on earth is wrong with my filter? Why can't I see this?" ...eventually, I did learn to pick up some red flags, but it's also important to know that not everyone is going to produce a red flag. Some people are very good at slipping under the radar.

And this person also slipped under your horse's radar; and horses have excellent radars... this is the first time I've heard of such a thing (but to be fair, my sample size is rather small; a wider study would be needed...my hunch is that generally, if a person passes your horse-test, they are less likely to be no-goodniks).

I wish all of us here could get together and have tea with sympathy around a big round table with you - but sometimes, the mere thought has to count. Anyway, we're here - and wishing you all the very best.

My husband says, "Ah, people! My recommendation would be that Cassandra finds herself a Val McDermid murder cottage by the sea, and goes to live there all by herself (animals allowed)." But that's pretty standard coming from him - total introvert and something of a misanthrope! :rofl: If we did that, while we would avoid a lot of pain, we would also not be open to a lot of joy that can come our way... and will come our way.

A bad relationship breakup is biochemically very much like coming off heroin cold turkey. It helps to keep that in mind, and take good care of your body. You don't have to pay excessive attention to the bad feelings, or wonder why you are having them - this too will pass. :hug: I am glad you have your horse and your cat. Hugging them will help. Cats make really nice platonic bedfellows when you have a broken heart.

Lots and lots and lots of love and good wishes to you, dear Cassandra. 

We'll be thinking of you. :hug:


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## SueC

PS: Some people find burning things very therapeutic when they have been through a bad break-up. Such as, old love letters, cards, notes, etc. Presents can join the funeral pyre or you can give them away to op-shops etc for other people to enjoy who do not have painful associations with the objects. Not everyone is a pyromaniac, but I certainly am, in situations like that - I even relish burning all the receipts I no longer legally require, after doing our business accounting. It's the thing I look forward to after finishing the business paperwork for another quarter. ;-)

There's even songs about this exact sort of pyromania:






Or cathartic breakup tongue-in-cheeks:






Some people, before they burn their old photos (or whatever the digital equivalent is), will pin them to a dart board for cathartic target practice. Bulls-eye!  We do a similar thing when politicians are being particularly dreadful on TV - we have these toy guns that shoot rubber things a little like sink plungers that attach themselves to glass surfaces you shoot at. This can make watching the news great fun - but we don't normally watch the news. 

The Japanese have a ceremony where they float little paper boats down a river on which they've written things they will let go of, and it helps to watch that float down a stream, away from you.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Allison- thank you. I quite agree. He isnt a sociopath, thankfully. Sociopaths are unable to empathize or feel genuine emotion, they dont take accountability. I dont think it's an excuse to call someone a sociopath but a way of describing behavior and the psychology of a person. Im really glad he isnt one because maybe someday he could become a better man. But all around it is a very sad, heartbreaking situation. I thought he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He felt like a part of me and the relationship was really good. However his behavior behind my back was unacceptable and not forgivable. 

Breaking up was one of the hardest things I've had to do. It felt like I was ripping my soul in two but I cant be with a man who could do that to me. I know he is broken, I know he is hurting, I know he had a rough childhood but there is no excuse for the choices he has made. And he says the same thing. There is no excuse. He knows what he did was wrong. I think he is genuinely sorry and feels terrible for what he has done. He wishes he could take it all back but it's past, it's done. Cant undo it. I know he loved me but sometimes love just isnt enough. I dont hate him, I dont think he's a bad person. I think he made very selfish, stupid and bad decisions but he isnt an evil man. I cant be with him but I cant hate him. What he has done makes me sick to my stomach and so so so angry. I told him everything I felt and he understood. I cant forgive what he's done. Taking another woman to Paris, hooking up with other women, seeking out women for the purpose of hooking up. And the women knew it wasnt anything more than sex but the anger from them is because he lied about being single. And they were very disgusted that he lied and I was informed by the woman he took to Paris because she felt men just shouldnt get away with that behavior and I agree. I thanked her. I respect her and honestly I like her. She's a good soul. She saved me from a worse fate. 

Miguel is definitely hurting. He said he had it all and threw it away for nothing. And now he has nothing. We cried in each others arms, I told him it isnt because I dont love him. It's because I cant be with him. And he said I love you too, so much and Im sorry. So overall it's just sad. He was my soul mate. I was better because of him. He made me better. He was always thoughtful and kind to me and to Wonder but sometimes love just isnt enough. He said it wasnt my fault and he'll never blame me for what he did. And he understood why I couldnt be with him. And it broke my heart. I didnt want to break up but I had to, cant be with someone like that. We both said we were so sure of each other after the trip that we didnt think it would ever end and yet here we are. The end. 

And yeah. Thank you. We've been looking for a trainer for months. It's been really challenging. It's hard to find someone who speaks english well enough to teach, isnt super expensive, I dont have to haul to, and can get along with Wonder. My friends on the national team are helping me find a trainer, said finding one that can get along with Wonder is the trickiest part. I have had friends here who are on the national team, my trainer back home and friends who have competed upper level to help me and give me advice. For example my trainer back home is the one who said which bits to get for the double or ideas on training. But would love a trainer. I love taking lessons and learning. 

Egrogan- Thank you. I try to present things as openly and honestly as possible. People may not like me or my way of viewing the world or how I experience the world but it is how I see it. I make no apologies for who I am or my life, I own what I am, my mistakes, and my flaws. If people dont like it. They can mind their own business, and if it provides value than hopefully it helps someone going through something. I dont need to know that it helped but sometimes just putting it out in the world can help someone else too who maybe is going through something similar. 

And thank you. I am so grateful to have Wonder too. He understands. He doesnt know but he feels my emotions and my pain and he humors me. Wonder is a lot of things but he has a very big heart and a lot of love. He’s helping the best he knows how. He is the type of horse that if a dog comes at him in a threatening way will go after to kill it but if a dog is playing at his feet will not move a muscle or do anything to harm it. He loves children but a child could never ride him. And he LOVES cats. Absolutely loves small animals and treats them gently. 

Grace- Thank you so much for being a good friend! Absolutely. He is very well aware of that. He is a stupid, stupid, selfish man. He knows that. I could have been perfect in every way and nothing would have changed because the emptiness and selfishness is in him, it isn’t in me. I never betrayed him. A friend of mine said, wow he really almost had it all. And he threw it all away for nothing, how stupid. We've talked extensively. I've gotten him set up with therapy with my psychologist who is one of the best in the world. I want him to be a better man. I want him to find happiness because the fact is if he doesn’t change. His fate will be something terrible. And even though Im hurt and Im angry, I cannot watch someone burn and not send them in the right direction. Maybe it is weakness, maybe it is strength IDK.

SueC- Thank you so much for your love and friendship. I just thought he was the one. I loved him, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Talking about marriage and kids, I was the only one he’s dated that he wanted to marry. He loves me as much as he is capable of, he loves me and I love him but I cant be with him. I was looking forward to making him his birthday cake and some more trips. We were planning on Sweden and Norway, eastern Europe, Scotland and Wales. Eventually Mongolia. Italy, more of France, etc. I don’t need him to travel or to see the world but I will save Italy and Venice for someone special. That was a trip we were talking about taking together. And I am going to miss him so so so much. He was one of my best friends and the relationship was good, except for what he did behind my back and the lying which made it impossible to continue. 

His friends are unaware of this behavior, I'm the first serious gf in a long time, he seldom lets people in. He has a wall. I thought he was a bit like me in the abuse and trauma department, so I didn’t hassle him and let him share his story and let me in as he could. And he did, he shared with my parts of his life he didn’t share with others. He was really good to me, I met all his long time friends and family. We were talking about marriage and kids. I loved him, I still love him. Just cant be with him. I think he loved me as much as he was capable but not enough. He was really supportive of me being bipolar and has seen how bad I can get but I never told him about the suicide attempt in December because I was so ashamed and didnt want him to worry. When I was sick, hed just hold me and make me tea and listen and I'd listen and help him too. We had a party with all his friends and he had a long week, so he went to bed early and I cleaned up the apartment so he could wake up to a clean apartment. It was very reciprocal and seemed healthy. He used to make me dinner and seemed so genuinely kind and considerate.

I dont think he's a bad person but I think he is deeply deeply troubled. It's a long story and quite private. He did not lie to me about his childhood which is where the problem is rooted. I think if he wants to change, he can. I dont think he's a total sociopath. I think there is hope he can become a better man but I cant make him a better man, I cant fix him and I cant be with him because broken people are unable to love themselves, so they bring down everyone around them. It's complicated. It's also hard because he was one of my best friends. He was one of my big support units with bipolar disorder. 

How I feel. I love him, I still love him. When you love it doesn’t just go away but what does it matter? You can love someone with all of your heart and it wont make them love or respect you the way they should or you deserve. I thought I finally found a good one. He was so considerate, so kind, so sweet and good to me. Sometimes he’d be grumpy or whatever but anyone can be. I had feelings or suspicions but I didn’t think it was this bad. We were a really good team. Our 3 week trip was amazing and we came back feeling so close and like we understood each other and nothing could tear us apart. I felt like this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with and I was SO sure of it. All my doubts dried up and I was confident in our relationship and his feelings for me. He told me I was the one and he was sure of it now. And I told him I just wish he hadn’t done all those horrible things. I just wish he had been the man I thought he was and not this. I am tired. Im tired of abusive relationships. Few people here know my story, don’t think I’ve told anyone but Miguel and a few choice people the detail or most of the story. Because even he started crying when he heard what my exs did to me and then Im emotionally numb for days and feel bordering sociopathic. And I am tired of feeling like a victim. I have been sexually, physically, emotionally and psychologically abused. I don’t think anyone can understand, unless they’ve experienced it. 





And honestly I am so so so angry at him and so so so hurt. He betrayed me and I was working really hard on my trust issues. Im so angry at him. I keep thinking I was fighting for my life in December while he was having the time of his life screwing other women. I guess just shows the level of piece of sh!t that he is. I am so so angry that he did all that to me. And he tricked me so well. Always texted me throughout the days and sure we’d sometimes have hours between which I was cool about because you just CANT be texting non stop from sun up to sun down. You just cant have a relationship like that and that in the times he told me he was at the gym or working. He was hooking up or meeting with other women. And it disgusts me so so much and it makes me feel disgusting, filthy and undesirable. It just shows me how little he valued me, respected me and how little he thought of me. Selfish and stupid. Im SO angry but Im also hurting so so so much. It's a wave of emotion then I become numb and then it starts again.

Thank you so much for the music too and all the thought and support. It means the world to me. And I am truly amazed by the amount of friends I have by my side. I feel blessed to have the friends I do. I'm blessed to have all of you. Thank you.






Some Wonder from the weekend. First trot is rough because you CANT push him in the trot. We are working on push followed by a strong half halt to help him learn to organize and become better in the trot but will take a while. He does NOT have a natural trot. So first trot is irregular then he settles. Some days we have the piaffe, other days I cant get him on the spot. Some days we have an extended trot, other days we do not. Just how it is.


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## PoptartShop

Yeah, but I wouldn't have been as nice to him as you were. He can stuff his tears in a sack. :lol: He knew what he was doing, the entire time. I'm sure he's done this his entire life. If he really felt like he threw something away, he wouldn't have acted that way in the first place. LOL, now he wants to cry? Please. You weren't crying or upset when you were with the other women. I wouldn't have even said my goodbyes, I would've just cut him off. But I know it's not always easy, since you thought he was the one. But at least you know now he's NOT the one. Just have to be careful and cautious. He's a scumbag, that's for sure. He's a grown man, that's what he does. Lots of men like him. Not the definition of a soulmate. Who knows how many other 'relationships' he has? I wouldn't feel sorry for him one bit. :lol: Boo hoo about his childhood. Sorry, I just don't find that a good excuse.

He's a scum & that's what he will always be. Just because you had a crappy childhood doesn't mean you get to hurt other people or act like a you-know-what. Nope! I'll stop there, because he isn't worth another word from any of us, but glad you aren't going to talk to him anymore though. He can continue his traveling around the world being a d-bag meeting women. Sounds like that's his life...disgusting. You're definitely better off without him. You have Wonder, that's the only man you need right now! 

Glad he is doing well. I know it's hard to find good trainers. Most people call themselves trainers & they are just horrible, plus you want someone who is experienced. Definitely trial & error. Hopefully one can come to your place so you don't have to worry about hauling!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Allison- you're right. He didnt care enough to keep it in his pants and respect the relationship. And now he's lost, he didnt think when he made the decisions he made. He was selfish and stupid. He knew what he was doing when he did it. A lot of my friends are guys and they were shocked and appalled by his behavior. Their advice to me when I told them, get your sh!t and run. No man should ever treat a woman like that and if they do they're a lost cause. Well they told me other things too but not appropriate because they're my Marine brothers and that's just how we roll :lol: one friend is married, separated from his wife 1yr to get her legal ability to live in the US and he NEVER cheated. He said obviously I could have, obviously there was temptation but he never did. 

Im pretty sure I was his only "relationship" and the rest were friends with benefits, hook ups but it doesnt make it any better. What he did is sick, I told him he can do what he wants now, it didnt stop him when we were together.

Absolutely! I am so thankful for Wonder and Alma. Wonder is spoiled as can be. He gets full body massages twice a week (I do massage), stretches, ice, chiropractors and whatever he needs. Alma is very sweet also but she can be too much sometimes. Very needy little cat. But a very good bird hunter and always in the trees.

I hope so because here it is hard to haul. Most people have one horse trailers, so cant just tag along and there arent really hauling companies like in the US. Plus if I want to haul, I have to take classes and spend quite a bit for a special license. Tax is very high and everything is regulated here.

Here I think trainers are much better than in the US, you cant just call yourself a trainer. It requires a license and in general I think the population here is much more educated. It's a different sort of environment than the US. To travel the whole country takes maybe 4hrs, so everything is close. It's hard finding a trainer who is flexible and can work with something like Wonder. He is what he is and unfortunately looking at him, a person doesnt have a clue what he's like until they sit on him. And then it is pretty eye opening. 
--
I think dressage riders tend to expect horses to fit into a box or ride like they've read a rule book and when they dont fit in that box or respond how a horse "should" respond, they resort to anger or try to make that horse fit the box. Or people back off and avoid the issue altogether because they lack the ability to address it. It is why my chiropractor warned me do not let a trainer sit on him, they will ruin everything you've worked for. And other people have said similar who know Wonder. 

Wonder's mind isnt like any horse I've ever met and that's why I love him. I dont know how to describe it. I've tried but he's really the sort of horse someone has to sit on to understand. It's taken me a long time to get him to accept direction and release his body to me, he'll still argue. Sometimes he'll out right push into pressure and directly challenge me. That's who he is. He does it to everyone but on the whole his behavior and mentality is much better.

For example I dont hack him because Wonder almost died last time we tried to hack him because he goes from relaxed and chill to gone in the blink of an eye. It's like a madness overcomes him and he is blind and oblivious to absolutely everything but his intense desire to run, he's an adrenaline junkie. And with him if he doesnt want to do something, there is nothing you can do. He is one that reinforms if a horse wants to listen, it is by choice. We are not special. I've never ridden a horse like that and I rode eventers, tons of ottbs. Im usually the rider who can take almost anything out and have it relaxed on a trail ride or down the road. Put me on the anxious, spooky horse and I wont have a problem. Wonder doesnt always tune in, it's like he gets to a point of locking his mind and body against you and there is nothing you can do. I've put FEI riders on him who couldnt steer or get him on the bit at all. I've put arab people on him who couldnt get him to do anything but stand still in the arena. They werent bad riders, not bad people, they just couldnt win his mind. If you dont have Wonder's mind, then he wont do a thing. And if you pressure him to submit he will flip himself over and fight with everything he has and he will win.

I used to ride event horses and he's the only horse who makes me nervous to even trot in a field because it is like a madness consumes him and he is totally blind to everything and a rider has no influence what so ever. He is the only horse I've ever had literally pull me up over his neck with my belly button on his mane. One rein stop is useless, he'll pull the bit the other way from you. Riders really have to know what they're doing and even then it wont be perfect or easy. I think in people's minds they have an idea of what it should be and then when they sit on him the reality sits in and they realize it just doesn't work like that.

I have a friend here who is a really good rider, ridden upper level jumpers. Trained with a GP dressage trainer, produced young horses, etc and she thought a lot of things until she sat on Wonder and was like sh!t I had no idea. He is a lot more horse than I expected. And he's tricky. Like you touch too much inside rein in the canter, he'll just take the bit from you, do a flying change and go the other way *Shrugs* 

Or the trot if you want a bigger trot, you can't push him bigger or let him run. It's very tricky. It isnt like most horses, where you just ride bigger and get bigger. It's impossible to explain. But anyone whose ridden him or experienced a horse like him knows what Im saying. But a lot of trainer's here almost exclusively have experience with warmbloods. The variety of horse's here isnt anywhere near the same. For the trot Wonder is more like riding a spanish or Portuguese horse. Portuguese horses are a lot spicier than spanish horses but they're similar. Organizing the trot is the same on the Portuguese horse as on Wonder, it's impossible to explain. It's between the push and the half halt and not at all like riding arabs or qhs or tbs or wbs or paints or whatever. It's totally different.

It's hard finding a trainer who is flexible and can work with his personality and mood changes. He isnt the same horse to ride every day and I need someone who really knows what they're doing. I'd like a trainer to sit on him, so they know what Im working with and can best advise me knowing the horse because what you see isnt at all the feeling. And I get frustrated when people dont know what they're talking about and dont have the experience and try to say what to do with a horse that would probably break their neck. I think it is very easy to criticize without knowing. I generally find people with limited experience are the most judgmental and critical because they dont have the experience to understand the situation. And simply think "if you just do this" or "you just do that." And it doesnt work like that unfortunately. 

He likes the spanish walk. He is very proud and deep in thought :lol:









Wonder had yesterday off because I wasnt feeling it but I bought him more grain and mash. He also opened his gate and came to greet me while I was cleaning things up. He was quite moody. Very Dr Jackyll and Mr Hyde. We cuddled and he had a bath, so he is very black atm. He cracks me up. Very needy sometimes.


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## SueC

...I've got to say, I really agree with what @*PoptartShop* said.

Use your compassion for yourself, @*DanteDressageNerd* . :hug:

Wonder is looking great! :blueunicorn:

PS: And a set of testicles would be more becoming for Wonder that for the ex. We have little green rings here in Australia that fix these kinds of issues! ;-)


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## PoptartShop

There actually are great trainers here too, just can be hard to find. Few & far between, but they are out there. 

I actually just started seeing one not too long ago, she focuses more on the biomechanics of the horse, the balance, etc. all scientific fact, not just looks, nothing I've ever had before, it's amazing, an entirely different level than any other trainer I've ever had. She's super expensive, but worth it. That's why I can only go once a month, but it's plenty. :lol: If you do happen to find a good trainer, I'm sure you will also have to spend quite a lot of money for one, but hopefully it would be worth it. That sucks about the trailers though, people need to get at least a 2-horse! This way people can tag along, or maybe if you know someone with a 1-horse you could just borrow it, if they let you. But it would be nice if you didn't have to haul.

He looks pretty clean! :lol: It's good you didn't ride if you weren't feeling it. If I have days where I'm anxious or in a bad mood/tense, I know better than to ride. Sometimes it's nice to just hangout, groom & enjoy their company. <3


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## AndyTheCornbread

I read your journal because you are a former Marine like myself but I rarely comment as your riding discipline / interests are quite different than mine, but are still fun to read about even if I will probably never experience them. I am sorry to hear about your recent relationship problems. I will say this though, you are doing the right thing to be rid of him. The right guy will not cheat on you for any reason, by definition any guy who does cheat on you is not the right one for you. Years ago I was married to a woman who was very similar, she could lie so well that she could convince herself her lies were true and she lied about everything. You literally couldn't trust a single word out of her mouth, if she told you the sky was blue, you should probably go check because it is probably green or purple or any color but blue. I am older now and I know enough to know that when you encounter somebody like that, do not walk away, RUN away as fast as you can and sever any ties you have so you never have to have contact with that person again. Some people in this world are just plain evil and you don't need them in your life under any circumstance. If it was one of my daughters that went through this I would be telling them the same thing, GET AWAY from him as fast as possible and NEVER look back.


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## whisperbaby22

Well, sorry about that. But again - write. Author, columnist, whatever commercial avenue you think will work for you. Use this god given talent.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- I completely 100% agree. The sport horse vet, chiropractor and a GP jumper all think Wonder should still be a stallion. Good thoroughbreds are still highly desired for warmblood breeding. 

I'm caring less about him or what he does. I think realizing how poorly he treated me behind my back makes me care less about him. The sh!t he did is in NO way a reflection of me and is purely a reflection of him. The sh!t he did is just plain unacceptable and bizarre. Danes were joking saying thats a Portuguese for you and sadly from everyone I've heard of Portuguese men and women is the same. Heard 5 stories now (not ragging on Portuguese) just makes me think. 

It also makes me realize maybe the relationship wasnt special and all was just an act. I dont think Miguel ever really understood me. I think he just acted like he did and said the right things. I dont know that he has the emotional awareness to understand but to logically say. I think I'll be over it soon because Im just realizing what a blessing I have in realizing who he was before it got more serious than you know meeting his whole family, his Mom liking me and meeting all his long time friends who seemed like really good, upstanding men. The way they talked about their gfs or wives was so sincere and beautiful. Like one saying how his gf is a Dr with a kid and how respectful he is of her time and doesnt push his needs on her because he understands her needs and priorities and that he isnt number 1. I think Miguel just takes what he wants and just thinks he can weasel out of any consequences. 
___

Allison- That's fabulous! Im glad you've found such a good trainer to work with. I had really good trainers at home too. I worked for a GP dressage rider and one that does CDIs, as well as one that breaks horses for carriages and does natural horsemanship. I've broke, started and developed a bunch of horses of different types, schooled PSG-I1. Even a saddle seat horse. Id say they were all extremely good, so I know they're out there it's just finding hte right one. Word of mouth seems the best way to me. Also trained with an international BHSI trainer (British) and worked for a former olympian who also trained Tristan Tucker. Most brilliant horseman I've ever seen but he's Danish and WAY out of my budget and too far away. I wish I could afford to bring the british trainer in. It's a cheap enough flight, under 100euro but need a group to make it worth it. I made another friend here who has been in the industry since a child who knows trainers and said he could find me a good dressage coach. I hope so. They are here!

I agree. I like just grooming, massaging and treating the legs etc. I had to ride Wonder the next day because he was full of tension and anger then he was happy after work and back to cuddling. Horses reflect so much our energy, its important to be mindful and when we shouldnt ride. Horses have incredible emotional awareness and feel every change. I used to explain to people the upwards in Wonder's transitions in a raise of energy and the downward (when he listens and doesnt lock his brain against you) is to lower the energy, then is holding your body and half halting.

I wish they had more two horses too but truthfully not sure the car's we use could handle the weight. We use normal cars to haul :lol: like 4 cyllinder engines. 

___

AndyTheCornBread- Thank you so much! I appreciate your input. We dont have to have the same walks in life to be compassionate. But I agree. I think when you see a building on fire, there is no reason to stay in the building. Just have to get away and realize you cant fix it. 

I am so sorry about your former, that is terrible but I agree you cant fix them. Just have to get away and let them burn themselves out. I dont think my ex is evil but I think he is self destructive and has something inside of him that is just plain unhealthy. Something really broken, a lack of self confidence, love and desperate for acceptance because he is incapable of doing it from within. But have to get away from that because people in self destruct mode bring everyone else around them down. My father used to tell me "screwed up people will screw you up" and "surround yourself with people you want to be like."

But I agree. A good man doesnt cheat. Most my Marine brothers were absolutely disgusted and Marines have a reputation but honestly the best men outside of my family I've met have been Marines. They have so much respect and consideration for women and their spouses (at least the ones I knew and worked with) that it was really incredible. They'd talk about their wives in awe like she's working on her masters and Im doing this to support her and then she'll support me and it worked out that way. It was beautiful.
___

whisperbaby22- Thank you very much! I try to communicate to the best of my ability. I am not the best but I try. I am going to be doing cognitive science, so Im hoping my ability to communicate will give me an edge in my field.
___

I think Im starting to accept more what Miguel has done and accepting the end of the relationship and the gift I have at knowing who really was before it became more serious. I absolutely believe everything happens for a reason. Im also aware of how much better is to come and someone who comes next will be so much better than what came before that it'll be worth every tear, scream and wailing. 

Some music


















Wonder is doing REALLY well. We worked a lot on extended trot yesterday and I set out some trot polls to help him, made a HUGE difference. They help him so much with figuring out his legs. His trot was MASSIVE and much more able to keep uphill, the polls helped him so much with the transition. Wish I had video. We got a few steps of on the spot piaffe but just being patient. Takes time.

Then did shoulder in, 10m circle shoulder in then haunches in in the trot and canter. Did some canter half pass. He can only do to quarter line, did some flying changes across the diagnol. His right to left he did at center, I was so proud. He ran a bit after but not like he used to. He stayed much better with me and stayed with my seat. He was a good boy, I stayed on my line and made him ride the corners and line better following the change. Did some long and low serpentines, very easy for Mister Wonder. And canter squares. so make an imaginary 10m square and at each corner ask him to sit and rock a quarter turn in shoulder in or haunches in depending. But is a good preparatory exercise and helps the canter a lot.

Then a GP jumper who has jumped over 2m rode him and absolutely loved him. Said he is a really super horse, very fine horse, so ridable and wonderful. He should have been a stallion, really a shame he was gelded. He did a nice job. I was super impressed. He doesnt go like how he does with me but I was SO proud of how willing and agreeable Wonder was. Granted the rider is very good and has ridden his whole life and was always the one they put on the problem horses or ones without confidence that he could just make jump. The family used to be some of the top breeders in Denmark and has ridden for generations which to me is very cool. He said he'll help find me a trainer, I really hope so. Apparently also knows a good saddle fitter. Finding a good fitter is really hard. The last one made the pannel too flat and bridges and blocks Wonder's back for laterals work.


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## frlsgirl

I'm glad Wonder is doing so well for you and I can't believe you still have not been able to find a saddle that fits him.....have you tried the Custom Icon saddles? That's what Ana is in; the Custom Icon Flight. Steffen Peters and his gang ride in Custom Icons:






They distribute the weight differently; more side to side instead of front to back and that's why sensitive horses seem to like them; you've seen the difference in Ana. Maybe something to try on Wonder? I would think they have a rep in Europe as well?

Also, I've been thinking a lot lately about life and why bad things happen and my conclusion is this:

If you put yourself out there, chances are that you are going to get hurt. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't put yourself out there and life a full life. It just means that the odds are if you put yourself out there at some point you are going to get hurt. So it means that you are out there living life, which is a good thing. You could just isolate and sit on the couch all day and eat bon bons; you wouldn't get hurt that way but that is not a rich fulfilling life. So whenever something bad like the thing with Miguel happens, just think to yourself "wow, i'm out there rocking life"


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## knightrider

From frlsgirl


> If you put yourself out there, chances are that you are going to get hurt. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't put yourself out there and life a full life. It just means that the odds are if you put yourself out there at some point you are going to get hurt. So it means that you are out there living life, which is a good thing. You could just isolate and sit on the couch all day and eat bon bons; you wouldn't get hurt that way but that is not a rich fulfilling life. So whenever something bad like the thing with Miguel happens, just think to yourself "wow, i'm out there rocking life"


Wow, @frlsgirl, that is so great! Here is another song for you.





This is for all of us who have been badly burned and get up and keep on trying. Yay for us who refuse to stand outside the fire.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Tanja- Thank you for the suggestion. Yes. I've ridden in a lot of custom saddles. I actually can't stand them. They tend to sit the right behind the motion and put them more in a chair seat. For me it's not a good fit but if you like them, Im glad you're happy with yours . The GP jumper looked at our saddle, his mom does saddle fit and they have a pad that made the saddle work on Wonder so we rode in it yesterday. I was surprised. It's a thick memory foam pad from acavallo with gel. I think it lifted the saddle enough off his back that is worked because without that in half pass and laterals the saddle blocks the movement of his rib cage, so he just braces against it.

As for life, I think you are very wise and quite right! We have to put ourselves out there, take risks and own who we are without apology. Maybe not everyone will like us or treat us right but we'll be living a full and complete life, so who cares? I also think a lot of people's nastiness, bitterness, etc stems from insecurity and being unhappy in their life and not living a fulfilling life. I also think that is why people do sh!tty things!

knightrider- thank you! I quite enjoyed the song. It was good! We have to keep getting up keep going no matter what. Life doesnt make it easy but it gives us experience, strength and determination to persevere through the hard ships of life. And I agree let's not stand in the fire and emerge something new and better  like a phoenix right?
__

Much of my feelings for Miguel have evaporated with the realization that he did what he did because he is a slick [email protected] who didn’t think he’d ever get caught. He thought he had all his tracks covered and if he were caught could weasel his way back into my good graces. Im too understanding and too forgiving but cheating is and always will be a choice, not a mistake. Also what the other woman told me about his behavior behind my back. He didnt care about any of those women, when he talked about them it was the equivalency of a used dish towel. And that said everything I needed to know. He doesnt respect women else he wouldnt lie, play and do the whole dance into bed routine. Not a man that respects women. A man who uses and manipulates women for his means. Not the man for me. 

But I am very grateful for all the support I've had through this. It's helped me put things into perspective and I think gain strength and say F you words, words, words that cant be written here....I swear like a sailor in real life.

Wonder had today off so I iced his legs and stifles (he was VERY angry about this). Very opinionated and assertive personality. We'll just say he doesnt lack confidence and fancies himself a fully intact horse. 

He also got a full body massage from me and really enjoyed that, he laid his head in my arms like a baby loving cuddles and kisses. Loved the neck portion a lot, I think the back and haunches portion were a bit less happy. He kept hitting me in the face as hard as he could with his tail. Threatening me if I did deeper tissue. I called him the diva King. 

We did ride in our saddle yesterday which was exciting. Didnt expect it to be an easy fix because the problem is it was flocked to flat and is too wide. But the memory foam and gel pad from acavallo made it fit. So I may buy one *sigh* more half pads.

I also need to be careful about letting people on him because he tends to run through the half halts and gets very testy, assertive and dominant when someone lets him tank off or run. I sometimes forget the degree of aggression in his personality because he can be so so sweet. Then I remember. And that is why Ive been told not to put him in training with a trainer and not to let trainers on him. Not because Im a better rider because Im not but because of Wonder's temperament and how much work has gone into making him as agreeable as he is has taken a lot and it'd be a shame to revert back. Of anything I've done I am most proud of Wonder and all the lessons he has taught me. He is tough but a good soul.

Wonder is a beast, he's massive. I have a hard time getting the pictures to show the muscle mass but he's huge. At the stable they said Wonder, you're built like a body bulder.

My friends FEI pony is looking AMAZING!! There canter half pass was super. She does such a nice job with him. They're going to a big competition in a week, Im sure they'll do great. Their trainer does a really good job with him and she's a really good rider. The trainer we discussed wouldn't be a good fit for Wonder because Wonder gets too aggressive if pressured or if someone has a you will do this now or else attitude. No doubt in my mind he'd rear and flip on someone. 

The jumpers tell me Wonder likes the jumping riders because they dont ask anything from him but that he go and they adjust to fit him and dont tell him what to do. And I said true. He doesnt really like to release his body to a rider, it takes convincing. And we talked about the dominance in his temperament and how it's kinda refreshing. Like a horse with attitude and opinions and the strength and determination to assert himself.

Nobody has to like Wonder or I. We dont need to be liked. We're on our journey and surrounded by knowledgeable people, I like and respect. We're not perfect and dont expect others to be. We're just enjoying our journey. We'll find our trainer, just gonna take more time. Im hoping the GP jumper can help me figure one out since he has ridden Wonder and understands the temperament.


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## frlsgirl

Here is another good song:






I remember blaring this one from my stereo after a few breakups lol.


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## SueC

I hope this one makes it, @DanteDressageNerd! ;-)


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you Tanja and SueC! I appreciate it SO SO much!! I enjoy the music!

The loneliness phase has hit me and Im feeling less optimistic and hopeful. I'm feeling like wow what do I have for me, just me? And it makes me feel so needy. Adjusting to being single is really hard, Im realizing the extent of how much emotional support I had from the relationship and now am like f!ck when Im needy and need support. I like to think Im independent and strong and can handle things alone. Yet here I am feeling really alone and isolated. I KNOW I have so many supportive, amazing and wonderful people in my life like here on the forum, where I live, at home and truthfully around the world. But at the same time I feel so isolated and maybe it's because Im running out of distractions and having to face the loss of the relationship? And Im blindly steam rolling along saying Im fine when maybe Im not so fine. Maybe I'm sad and Im lonely and feeling like is there anyone else out there for me? I mean who wants a bipolar, autistic mess like me? I need a highly intelligent, innovative type man that Im attracted to, has ambition, is faithful, sticks to their morals and what they stand for, is adventurous and loves to travel and hike and can handle me? But maybe Im meant to end up alone? I mean Im honestly questioning whether there is a man out there that could handle and understand me. Im pretty stable atm but bipolar isnt a light illness and honestly most decent guys cant handle that. That is the reality with an illness like that, it's really hard to find someone who isnt absolutely terrified of the illness or of you and is willing to take a chance on you. And I need to learn how to be comfortable being alone. I enjoy being in a relationship more than being alone to be honest but a relationship for the sake of a relationship isnt at all what I want and dont want to rush into another one. Just finding my groove I guess. And I guess Im just sad? I dont even know what Im feeling atm.

I'm also impulsive and fiery. Im a lot, I can be so calm and tranquil to this fiery, passionate driven wave of assertion and fortitude.

Rode Wonder today, we jumped over 70cm jumps or about 2'3. I havent jumped in ages. Like 10-12yrs ago I used to jump 1.10m or 3'3-3'6 but long ago. I still sort of have a feel for jumping but Im not good at it. The GP jumper wants to jump Wonder, his gf told me he's been talking about riding Wonder again quite a bit :lol: he loved him! We did a few flying changes both direction and apparently Wonder now loves to jump. He really seems to like it! And was great to practice his changes, did on straight lines. So he doesnt change like a jumper. But it makes him SUPER DUPER hot. He was like riding a ticking bomb today, breathe wrong and explodes.

The saddle isnt working again, tried using my pad and Wonder REFUSES to bend left. He was SO tense in his neck and body, was a waste of time doing dressage. It was just muscle tension and him bracing against me. I couldnt ride long maybe 25min because I had to make a chiropractic appointment. 

I'm still making friends and think we're going to go out again sometime soon. Just gotta keep doing things and occupying myself but it almost serves as distractions from the sadness and loss I guess. Maybe Im not handling things properly. I dont know. Is there a proper way to over come a break up or is it just phases and unexpected sadness then kinda being like woah Im all alone, what now? To Im so happy and here I am so free?


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## Tihannah

I second the nixing of the Icon Flight. I'm STILL trying to fix my position after riding in one for over year. Even a custom rep told me, yep, that's the one that pitches you forward. Made North incredibly back sore. Since I switched to Black Country, he hasn't been sore once.

Great pics of Wonder! Try to remember that the end of this relationship was not a loss, it was a WIN, and there is better out there for you. The loneliness will pass. Just continue to try and get out and do things you enjoy doing with people who are fun to be around.


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## PoptartShop

I have to second @Tihannah with Black Country - she's the one who mentioned them to me; that's the type of saddle I got for Promise & it is AMAZING.  I use a pro-lite tri pad which helps too, because I can shim it up as little or as much as I want. Really great saddles.


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## SueC

Here's something else on this illuminating topic...






It's a bit of a barn-dance, but the lyrics and clip are funny!

The Traveling Wilburys did a great version of this - but I can't find it anywhere...


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## DanteDressageNerd

Tina- I agree!

And you are definitely right. I dont want him back at all but I miss the emotional support and friendship. And feeling like my life was going somewhere. Vs now it's starting over in a new major, my life and eventually a relationship. But I think I'll be single a while. I need to figure out me and maybe someday something will work out or maybe that just isnt meant for me. 
___

Allison- Thank you for the suggestion. Prolite is a good product, as is black country. I just dont have the money for it. I need to sell my saddle (trilogy verago) because it just isnt working. It blocks Wonder's back and a competent fitter could make it work but I think I need to buy a treeless saddle. The saddle blocks Wonder's back and what Im asking isnt fair from him when it causes discomfort. He's just not the same horse in the saddle. Id like to try black country but dont think they sell it here.
___

SueC- that song cracks me up! That is absolutely hilarious! 
___

Im still figuring things out and I am frustrated and quite angry figuring out myself and my life and where Im going with it? What's the point in this. And truth is Im not happy. And I dont think Im owed happiness or that I need to be happy but accepting Im not happy, Im not fulfilled. Im frustrated and angry. 

And also trying to figure out this stupid illness that interferes with so much of my life and it's not even my fault I have it and as much as I try to keep it together and be strong, I dont feel that strong. I hurt. And truthfully I think this new hurt is more depression than anything else. Just depressive thoughts that are impossible to explain. It's an isolating sort of illness and truth is most people dont want to deal with you or it. And there really isnt anything anyone can do. Just have to ride the wave until it's done. And Im ashamed Im not more stable than I am. Im angry that Im not more together and more disciplined and controlled. Im tired of fighting myself all the time and trying to be strong and keep it together and Im just not together. 

And the reality of my life is someday if I find someone it's going to be REALLY hard to find what I want that is also good for me. And the reality is with my illness maybe Im better off alone. Maybe relationships arent meant for me, maybe that's why I only form attachments to people that arent good for me. Maybe Im meant to be alone. Im a hard person to understand and I dont really relate in a relationship way to very many people and when I do they've had some deep trauma or problems like I have. I like very intelligent, innovative thinkers and maybe Im just meant to be alone. Maybe what I want will never be healthy and Im better off alone. I know how to be alone when I've been alone. The things I have make it difficult to find someone able to stand the waves and deal with the shifts and it not end up hurting them. 

My mom asked me because a close friend of mine lost her horse who was very important in my development as a rider. Mom asked me why these terrible thing happen to good people and I answered I think God is a sadistic [email protected] who enjoys the suffering of lesser beings. Or if Im less bitter and in a more optimistic mood, Id say because to be a good strong person it requires a lot of hardship and trials to grow, overcome and become better. That way when you finally get what you want, you feel like you've earned it and are grateful. The lady who has lost her horse is one of the best people I know and has been through SO SO SO much. Makes me feel like a stupid whiny baby to be upset at all. So many people have it way worse.

This is good


















Wonder was okay today but no more using his saddle, it just blocks his back and then Im not fair to him and get frustrated because he cant bend and it's not Wonder's fault he cant bend properly because the saddle is blocking his back. Im just lucky he loves me and forgives me, even when I am unfair and make mistakes.

Short of Wonder and I jumping


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## SueC

Wonder is looking gorgeous as usual. 

Mental health conditions do tend to improve as we get older, and also our management of them. I wouldn't see that as a disqualifier from the possibility of finding a quality relationship. However, it can also be a really great idea to spend some time as a young person on a sort of relationship "retreat" where you're just single and getting to know _you_. It makes you more independent, and while that makes you more scary to the average man, outlier women aren't going to end up with those sorts of men anyway - compatibility is important.

It's easier for average people to partner because the market caters to them. ;-) Sheep with multicoloured fleeces tend to prefer multicoloured-fleece partners, and be happier with them. It's about being understood regardless of how esoteric you can get etc!  The person I married was the only truly compatible person I've ever dated. We're mentally on the same level, and that's so much fun - in previous relationships as a younger person, I always felt there was a large part that made me me, that didn't even get seen by the other person. Not anymore. DH & I egg each other on to greater and greater heights. :rofl:

While you have to keep your eyes open for a nice multicoloured partner, there's also a lot of wisdom in staying laid back about it. The old butterfly analogy:


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## whisperbaby22

The jumping video was sideways on my computer, I had to turn it to see! Anyway, just to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope things calm down for you.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you! Wonder would agree. He is really quite an arrogant, conceited horse. It cracks me up, he's very pleased with myself. NO lack of confidence. I remember we had a German shepherd dog try to attack us. A normal horse would turn and run, not Wonder he stood on two legs and came after it with boxing gloves. 

you get it! I absolutely agree. When you’re a mult-colored bird with a lot of dimensions and esoteric (great word choice btw, I didn’t know that one) it’s really hard to find someone who fits you that way. And can find other multi-colored birds where you may sink up but it not be a healthy dynamic. The more unique you are, the harder it is to find a fit. Because the pieces have to line up so perfectly and finding that is so very hard.

I need someone who stays fit and likes adventure to go hiking into Norway and Sweden or the alps. Likes to travel and go places. An emotionally strong and confident man, a strong man. Maybe more practical/pragmatic than me and can keep me engaged and challenge me as on a mental and intellectual level and can understand me emotionally and I relate to as well. Prefer a Scandinavian, they have an ethical and moral code I really admire and I like the culture. But it'll be a while. I think you are right and I just need to be on my own a while and if it happens, it happens and if it doesnt then that's how it is. I truly do not expect it to happen. I hope but I doubt. I figure I'll just leave a door open and if/when it's meant to happen, it will. 

I think you and your husband are a lovely fit and it's nice when it's two colorful people who people say well I cant picture either of them with anyone else because you need such an exact fit, you cant just mesh with anyone. 
___

whisperbaby- thank you. I hope so too. Im up and down. Thank you for caring and supporting us 
___

Just note the saddle pinches him and he was really hard to get his hind legs to connect. Nicolai (GP jumper, ridden his whole life but not a professional) said he's much harder to ride than he expected and so [email protected] strong, so f%cking strong. He's a lot to ride straight and he doesnt just ride in a line, you really have to ride him every moment and really ride and organize his hind legs. He takes full concentration. Nicolai is REALLY good. It's not always pretty but he rides the horse so they respond correctly and this is not an easy horse. Wonder is also hard to keep back which Nicolai was trying to keep him on his stride and not let Wonder make his own. Not always pretty but important part of the training. Im honestly super impressed by his riding and how much Wonder's jumping improved in one session. He did a great job!

I got on him and we jumped the same jumps, it's the first time I've gotten on Wonder after someone else and he not try to run off or lock against the leg because Nicolai did a good job of keeping him with the rider and making sure he respond when the leg is applied. If you dont make Wonder respond, he'll just push into your leg or hand and lock against you. He is so freaking strong and he just wants to take over, which Nicolai felt today and said it's really difficult to keep him with you because he just wants to take over and do his own thing. He's really lovely and fun to ride, he's hard but it is always such a pleasure with him. Nicolai loves him and they're a really good team. Getting on him after Nicolai was good because he didnt let Wonder get away with his usual antics.

I should have asked for video of me jumping Wonder. Im actually not bad at it, my eye for canter the distance is off but I stay in balance and out of the way. I just dont have Nicolai's feel or timing to make Wonder jump better. He is hard to keep centered down a line. I think because the saddle pinches his shoulders. Basically he's a hot, tense, strong horse with previous injuries. I also hate my voice and "my trainer" is the one I had in the US. We still talk.


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## SueC

Beautiful, @DanteDressageNerd! It doesn't look like it's been a while since you've jumped him!  You're both very balanced.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you! It is Nicolai riding in the last videos. He's a brilliant jumper, he hasnt done it a lot in a while but very talented. His brother is an international jumper. He does a great job with Wonder but says Wonder is so freaking strong. He was super sore a few days after Wonder :lol: But Wonder is a totally different animal to ride. I cant really compare riding him to anything else I've ever ridden. In the trot he is a lot like riding a Portuguese or spanish horse. In that there isnt a line between leg and hand connecting. and he's so f***ing strong. I've never ridden anything like him and I dont think Nicolai has either and he grew up in a horse family, riding his whole life and in different countries.

Wonder is doing well. Rode him yesterday. He had a few days off. Rode another horse, a wb jumping mare. Riding her is more how people think dressage should be. Leg to hand. Give she takes. You push her forward, she gets bigger in the trot and doesn't lose rhythm and doesnt have anywhere near the power of Wonder. Wonder is a freak of nature in that regard, so freaking strong. With Ranja I rode a lot more delicately and even though she is green to dressage and not especially strong. MUCH easier to ride than Wonder and much more honest.

We switched bits as well, she tried Wonder's because her bit is a traditional snaffle and too big for her mouth. So she doesnt quite trust taking the bit yet. She wants to come up and suck back against the bridle, getting short and contracted in the neck rather than trusting the contact and stretching into it. She likes to suck back against vs stretch. When I use bridle it's to encourage her to stretch into it, rather than suck against. I'd like her to get long in her neck and hang in the bridle more or deeper. I like deep in the back. She wants to come up backwards at the bit and not come to it. It is a bit like riding a baby in that it's educating her body and she isnt strong or coordinated to really understand what to do but not like a baby in that she knows quite a bit in another discipline. She needs to learn when inside rein is used to come around and bend through her body, as well as to connect inside leg to outside rein. I ride really between the inside hind leg and outside rein, While positioning the horse's body or neck and shoulders between my body and for laterals and things I just position and they follow through. In beginning is not so pretty but eventually looks effortless. 

I also taught Ranja's mom a bit to help her with Ranja. I said instead of taking back on the rein (when you take back she sucks up and braces her underneck, contracts and comes back into the bit) she isnt one that gives you a feel of contact, so I get why people would shorten instead of keeping the length, using a bit of laterals, pushing her out and a bit of bridle to help her figure out how to stretch into the bit. Im going to ride Ranja again and continue to help her mom with her. She's my friends and friends help each other. I told her she can sit on Wonder sometime. He makes it really obvious your mistakes and requires a certain firmness.

There are a few people Id love to put on Wonder and then smile a bit when they cant do anything with him because they realize they didnt have a clue what they're talking about. People just dont have a clue until they sit on him.

Miguel picked up the last of his things. And I got a little peeved because he tried to make it sound like it was my fault. And he only made "one" mistakes. And I said, you dont get to blame me. I didnt make those decisions. I didnt look you in the eye after sharing my trauma and lie to my face. I wasnt actively seeking other partners to hook up with. I didnt put you at risk for STD's, I didnt lie to you, use you or betray you. I never humiliated you or made a fool of you. I have ALWAYS been pretty freaking nice, even now. So dont you DARE blame me. I could NEVER treat you how you treated me.

I absolutely believe in taking the high road in a break up, dont give them a reason to say you were a "b1tch" or that you were anything but wonderful and pleasant. They can say whatever they want but at night when they're being honest with themselves. They know the truth.

The pain of cheating, isnt just the act. It's all the lying, manipulation and planning on their part that goes into it and their blatant disregard for your well being and feelings. It is a sure sign that they are too selfish to know what love is. And even though he isnt a sociopath, he doesnt have a clue what he's done or why the betrayal was unforgivable. Doesnt get it at all. 

The funny thing is I felt absolutely numb dealing with him. I felt nothing. A bit of anger when he tried to make it seem like it was my fault for calling an end. And I realized he never really understood me or valued me. He took me for granted and sh!t on me. I wasn't perfect, I would never claim that but I never did anything bad.

Talked to some friend yesterday. My conclusion: the reason why Im open about having bipolar disorder is to lower the stigma and so people know what it looks like. If you were around me, you'd have no idea. And I try to educate people about mental health, so that if they know someone who needs help they can help them get help. I've heard of a few people who committed suicide who had all the signs and NO ONE TOOK THEM SERIOUSLY OR LISTENED. They just brushed it off or treated the person with hey just suck it up and get it together or it's all in your head. People dont have a clue and think people can just wish all the thoughts and feelings away with will power. It DOESNT work like that and it sickens me how ignorance on the parts of family and friends has led to people taking their own life. Something that could have been prevented. GOOD people and them NOT being heard when they try to reach for help.

The other reason why Im open about my life and what has happened is to give people something to learn from. I dont care if people judge me or want to try to hold it against me, go ahead and try. Judge me, condemn me, criticize me. I dont give a f*ck. I've been through too much in life to give a F*ck about the opinions of low lives whose only sense of self gratification is to belittle and put others down because they feel too inept and incapable in their own lives. So they fixate on others and feel the need to judge, criticize and marginalize to feel a sense of power and control in a world of chaos. People who constantly feel the need to look on others and put them down, do so because their own life is lacking. When people do that sh!t it has little to do with you and everything to do with them. Their insecurities, their jealousy, their problems. And the way I see it, not my problem and not my responsibility. Belittle me, insult me, say what you want. It doesnt make it true. If that's what you need to feel better about yourself, than do it. I wont make myself less to appease anyone. 

I focus on my life, live my way and help people where I can and people help me too. Im a fighter. And I will defend myself and push back against. Some people see it as being a "know it all" or whatever and dont get I've had people bully and try to back me down into a corner belittling and marginalizing me and I had to learn how to push back and fight for myself. It's not being a know it all or thinking you know everything or are always right, it's knowing what you do know and sticking up for it, standing by it. Rather than subsiding to make people feel powerful and superior over you. No I dont bow down. I stand my ground. 

Another told me I'm a very strong woman and I said I never had a choice. I never wanted to be this strong or pay the price that I have. I've been pushed to be what I am now and truthfully I am grateful for the break up because I am an iron lady now and I stand my ground. I'm tired of bending for appeasement or to make people feel comfortable at my smallness and inability to stand for myself. Im sick of it. I may not be perfect but I am not a bad person. I know what I am and what I am not. I am strong and I am tired. My edges may be rough and I may rub some people the wrong way but honestly, that's not my problem. I am what I am and Im not ashamed. Im not ashamed of what I've been through. I'm not ashamed of things I've experienced and Im not ashamed of who I am or the choices I have made. Truth is I have a LOT of anger, a LOT. The story with Miguel is honestly the most pleasant I've had with any man I've had a relationship with and a lot of those stories I dont share because I hate the look of pity people give when they hear those ones. Want to hear what it's like to be hit across the face? Or strangled? or have no choice in when you lose your virginity? Want to hear those stories? Or what it's like to be systematically broken down and have all your self confidence taken from a skilled psychopath and sociopath? I dont like telling those stories. Or the ignorance of people saying how could you not know? How did that happen to you? Or saying it's an excuse to say someone is a psychopath, that is what they were. Look into the eyes of a man you were just sleeping next to and when you realize they could kill you and feel absolutely nothing. That is a feeling I cant explain to anyone. I have a lot of anger, I've repressed trying to take the high road and be the better person and I am angry. So angry.

Also some of my adventure to Skagen, the Northermost point in Denmark this weekend. WWII bunkers were SUPER fun to play in!! Some had fallen down so were like climbing through an unusual maze. Quite cool! Danish were "neutral" in WWII yet were supplying to the Germans. Part of why they love the Americans, Americans helped them keep neutral status. Though they did execute more people after WWII than Danes that died during the war. Interesting.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Wonder horse has been really good, he's THRILLED to be working on extensions. Note it is REALLY hard to ride with him. It's about organization and will take a while to build up Wonder's strength and coordination. I see snippets of what it will become on the lunge line and it's really nice but we're not there yet. Will take time to develop. He just doesnt have a natural trot. But I'll say he's taught me more about riding the trot than any other horse I've ever ridden. His trot is a big project. We lunge before every ride over polls and cavaletti to help him build the strength and coordination on his own. It's gonna take time to really get the size and reach undersaddle. And he was quite sore today :lol: I gave him a full body massage and stretching session. Light lunge to work the muscles enough so they dont get tight and release some lactic acid. But his hind end was pretty sore. He gets so overzealous in his work.

There is a REASON we did not start with extension. He knew how to lengthen or ride medium before coming to Denmark but he's like the Portuguese or spanish horses where you need to start with getting them with the seat and rhythm working more on half steps and collected work before you do extension because they need help organizing the trot and need more strength and development to handle it. It's also why I only ask for help from people who really know what they're talking about and have experience producing a variety of horses to a high level. I dont care if people just trail ride or hobby ride and enjoy their horses, that's great! Im happy that people are happy and their horses are happy but I do get annoyed when people who have ridden the same level for years and barely progressed at all in years want to presume how to ride/develop a horse better who they probably couldn't even get this horse to trot on the bit, let alone canter without getting over powered, ran off with and thrown into a wall. Do I know it all? Hell no, I have an awful lot to learn but in what I do know, I stand my ground. I've worked really hard to get Wonder where he is now, it's not perfect. We have a long way to go but I'm proud of him. And can see where it's going to develop one day. Hopefully can find a trainer I can afford and work on things.

I guess it's more I get peeved when people just have book knowledge and expect every horse to be like theyve experienced or like in a text book of how to ride dressage. 

Riding Ranja really made me reminded me why people think like they do. Ranja is definitely a mare, she is definitely opinionated, very sensitive and forward. She has a fantastic work ethic. I really like her. She has some things that need to be fixed but once they are, she rides like the text book. I was amazed how much easier virtually everything was with her. And she is a more nervous, not naturally confident horse. She is something that you need to win her trust and confidence and she'll do anything for you. That I am very good at and I actually really like nervous, insecure, sensitive, hot horses. Im good at gaining their trust and confidence and getting them to say okay I got this. Those I like almost better than something like Wonder who is hot, intense and so ****ing strong. I love his power. The sensation is unreal and it's a real high when he's electric and you're always on the edge of him just taking the bit and taking control and asking because he is so thrilled to be with you.

I say this a lot but what you feel when you're sat on him is not at all what he looks like. Every rider who has sat on him has said he's insanely strong and they've never ridden anything like him.

I like Ranja a lot, I forgot how much I love mares. Mares will give you a try and a half the boys dont. Yesterday Ranja was WAY better than in these videos. She still needs to learn how to lay in the bit a bit more and trust the contact. Getting her to take the contact down and reach through while following my body was a deal. She also argued with me quite a bit about her connecting her right hind to my left hand but once she got it and drive her hind legs under and really connect in the bridle. It was like we were one. I love her

This is from our first ride after changing bits, she has a small mouth and I think she is hesitant and funny about the bit because the other was a snaffle and thick, so poked the roof of her mouth anytime it was used. So a lot of it is re-educating her body and re-training her reaction to different aids. Some day she'll have Wonder's fancy half halt buttons that will make her trot even better but beginning and basics right now. Her laterals were MUCH better yesterday than on Monday. It was so nice to ride a horse with a normal trot and normal feeling of leg to hand.





Wonder. This horse is unbelievably strong. Every rider whose been on him has said he is probably the strongest horse they've ever ridden. You can feel it even at the walk. He's just intense. He's sensitive to seat and position but he is very much so the type to bully against your leg. You have to insist or he just locks and uses his strength against you. Have to win him. I do ride him a bit behind for a reason. Try riding this and being on a breath's edge from the line. 





https://youtu.be/89dpIuisgDA?t=56

But Im REALLY hoping we get to take a lesson with one of the Danish team coach in two week. I DONT know that I will get to but Im really hoping!


----------



## SueC

I've not read everything yet, but wow, those landscape photos! 

And it seems I must wear my glasses more often - I thought that was you on the horse, but of course, you did say Nicolai was riding! :rofl: In this instance, I haven't passed reading comprehension! ;-)


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## gottatrot

Ranja is a really pretty girl.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- it's great! I love Skagen, it's so beautiful and so much to enjoy and see!!

lol it's all good, no offense taken ;-)

gottatrot- yes she is and smart. She's a really good girl! I like her a lot, excellent work ethic, a little nervous but she's a fantastic horse! I cant say one bad thing about her.

Ranja ride 3. Need to fix the saddle. I dont get why she can go in a saddle that doesnt fit perfectly but if Wonder is in a saddle that doesnt fit perfectly, he refuses to bend or do lateral work or come over his back. 

Ranja is jumper bred. For dressage she wouldn't be an upper level type but she'd be a good medium level horse one day. She has an incredible work ethic, is very intelligent and eager to please.

Choosing a horse for the high level is more about mechanics than quality of gaits. I say this for educational purposes. The reason is she is too straight in the stifle and cant sit like say Mr Wonder. It's partially why I kept Wonder over Francesca. Frankie is the superior mover but she wont do the GP. A Danish friend was telling me a story of her neighbor who is a GP dressage rider and produced a horse that ended up being on the Finnish team. She bred horses and people would look at her horses and say that they were [email protected] or junk, preferring the big, flashy moving youngster. So this lady would bring out the GP horse and the people would say how garbage and untalented the horse was. Saying how horrible a mover he was and all that and she was like this horse is showing at the GP and getting these scores. So you really dont have a clue what you're talking about. And people dont. It's the same in Denmark, passionately opinionated without knowing. 

I worked for a trainer who competed at CDIs and she had no eye for picking talent. All the one's she'd pick for being "super stars" would be failures who couldn't make it much past medium level. And then she'd get upset because I'd choose horses who she thought were garbage but much more talented and capable than the one's she picked. But to be frank I was a more talented rider than she was and could get movement from horses she could not. I really think that is why she held me back. Have a story that goes with that but doesnt matter now.






She is learning half pass, new concept for her. The purpose of the exercise isnt to do the movement. The purpose is to have the horse able to connect the outside hind leg to the inside rein and learn to follow the rider's position. It improves the throughness of the horse's body. I ride for throughness, I dont care that much about head position, I care about that body and making them as deep and over the back as I can get them. I want the muscle at the base of the horse's neck to the shoulder to give and a lot of the times getting them to release that muscle. I care more about that. If I only cared about being at the vertical, I could ride the horse hollow and never really get them through or I could ride them this way, sit the croup down and invite the the shoulder up to reposition. 





Im teaching her mom on her and she's doing a really good job. She is Nicolai's gilfriend, really lovely person. She hasnt ridden much in 9yrs and is getting back into it.

Ex Frankie age 4





It cracks me up when people say they dont like how Wonder moves because it's always people who are low level and it's OKAY to have an opinion or not like him. Not everyone has to like the same thing. But then I'll hear from like international trainers or people who've competed CDIs and worked for blue horse who look at him and go oh wow, now that's a really nice horse. Or sport horse vets or chiropractor who specializes in performance horses. Oh that's a really nice horse. And when I show them video of Frankie, they say oh you made the right decisions. She's not as talented as he is.

Wonder was AMAZING today!! He was SO SO good. We rode in the snaffle again because he is finally respecting it and not pulling past or just pulling the bit out of my hands. I mean yes he tried but he came back! Even in the canter when we worked on changes. His change is lovely right to left but left to right is sticky. Need to work on that. Did canter half pass change and that seemed to help. 

We worked more on sitting his croup down and bringing his shoulders up. That really improved the lateral work. I dont do it all the time because Ive been focusing on trying to get Wonder to understand how to extend through his body and keep a rhythm. That has been SO hard. He's finally getting it, so then I can up the expectation of him being able to extend while gradually expecting him to stay uphill. Cant do both atm because it is REALLY hard for him. But his extended trot today was way better and HUGE, I thought I was going to die and honestly a little scared. It was great! That horse gives me such an adrenaline rush almost every ride, I love him! 

I was stricter in the details because if I get to work with that trainer, I dont want her to nail me for being lazy. 

I do not school a lot of walk to canters on purpose. We did a bit today and he gets so excited. Had to drop and regather the reins a few times to get a more relaxed reaction. He did finally piaffe properly a few times he was so excited when I gathered the reins. He was like we GO, LETS GO, Im ready, what do you want? And so had to let reins out and re gather a few times. He gets so excited, it isnt anxiety. It's like oh boy what next?! Then I asked him to do a collected trot from an extended trot and he got SO mad because he wanted to run and I said no, that he needed to listen and come back to me. So he reared straight up and on his back two legs bunny hopped forward. I was like really? Was that necessary? And honestly Im quite impressed by his strength, coordination and athleticism. I shouldnt laugh but it made me laugh. When you own a horse like this you have the option of either laughing or crying and I choose to laugh. After that he was really good but he is so opinionated. Yesterday I was grooming him and he was mad about it so he grabbed the girth and threw it across from him. He is so opinionated. I said we needed to call him Mr Attitude, instead of Mr Wonderful. He gets so mad. He's been treated for ulcers, it makes no difference.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Sometimes I get really really frustrated with myself and Mister Wonder. He is really really hard to ride and sometimes it's just hard and frustrating. You have an idea of how it should be and then you have the reality. Some days I just get really frustrated, Wonder is a REALLY REALLY hard horse to ride and train. I love him to pieces but sometimes I'm just tired of struggling so hard for things on most horses is effortless for me. But then I have to remember how far we've come and how much he's taught me and will continue to teach me that I wouldnt have learned on a less difficult horse.

Today I rode in my saddle, I started in the snaffle but Wonder was being SUPER obnoxious. He was absolutely trying to take control the whole ride which means him disrespecting my dance space, hand, pulling against me and trying to take off. So I had to switch to the double. He was being a jerk. He is not hurting. If a horse acts out or is difficult it isnt always because they're hurting, most horses yes but this is not one of those horses. This is a horse with a difficult temperament, a lot of power and a willfulness of his own. It isnt all compliant good rides, some days it is taking steps back and saying no this is my line and expectation, you dont get to call the shots. He gets a full body massage at least twice a week and regular stretching. Recently seen by chiropractor, teeth were done in April, vet has also looked at him. He has days where he just tests everything and he's like oh but can you make me? Why should I do it your way? And it's usually when you change something. He's better bareback than in the saddle but he has to learn to be ridden in a saddle too. Also so people know a vet has seen him, the right hind is something we have been dealing with since I bought him. Vet says WORK, cavaletti, polls, and hills (hacking, trail riding) would be great if Wonder wouldnt just take the bit and bolt, lose his footing and crash.

Today I did let him out in the trot some but for the video portion, no because he was running through my half halts and NOT letting me half halt him to stay in rhythm and use himself properly. He just wanted to run.

This is a horse you HAVE to be in control or your seat, position and body or he WILL take control and do as he pleases. If you post trot, you HAVE to have control of your seat and sit against him. He will absolutely try to get you to go into a running pace with him and if he gets that far, he just takes the bit and bolts. He also tries to manipulate you out of your position. You HAVE to know what you're doing and be self assured, he will try to convince you out of your position to avoid using his whole self when it gets hard. Going left shoulder in I really had to not let him contort my body and say NO, this is my position and this is my dance space and you WILL respect it. You dont get to take control just because. I had to use quite a bit of leg and insist he LISTEN and follow my position.






It bothers me the saddle leans right, the flocking is more compressed to the right and needs to be fixed. It drives me crazy. Im a perfectionist. I work hard. I do a lot of core, leg, back etc exercises just to be able to ride this horse because he is back breaking if you dont have the core strength to resist him. He is SO SO ****ing strong. It's not that he is hard in the bridle, he's not it's that he has SO SO SO much strength in his whole body and neck that he can literally just pull you out of the saddle. I remember last year I sat against him in sitting trot like NO you WILL half halt and you will NOT run off with me, so he just took hold of the bit, pulled me over his neck. My belly button was on his mane and he tore my core muscles I resisted that hard in the saddle. I was NOT weak. I was riding multiple horses a day. 

Asked a few more people if they knew of any good trainers that might be able to work with Wonder and no luck :frown_color: I'm also really low on cash atm because I cant legally work, so it isnt like I should really try to be getting lessons atm but it's something I've wanted since coming here. I love taking lessons, I love having a coach I trust and can help me. I have my trainer at home and friends on the national team and friends who have compete high level and have their "L" license. I really want a trainer who can get on and RIDE Wonder. My friends on the national team said they thought few trainers would dare sit on him. Wonder gets really tricky, the more you ask. 

The argument we had on the left is he was trying to contort me to the inside and lure me to overbend to the left and I was working to keep my right rein and him step into the right rein and half halt which is harder for him so he tries to take the bit and run and I was like NO WAY, NO. Before the ride was over we had it worked out and he was RESPECTING the aids, vs being an @ss hole and testing. I know it's because we were in a saddle, if we were bareback that stuff wouldnt have been an issue but he needs to be able to be ridden in a saddle even if it isnt perfect.

Left half pass I sat too far to the right, I know better and I dont do that bareback. So angry at myself. And then asking Wonder to hold my line and he's like nah, [email protected] you mom and I was like NO, it is not on YOUR terms. I need a stronger core, he is so ****ing strong. He can just pull past my body like it's nothing and I dont want him to tear my core muscles again. Change was not intentional, he just ran through my aids and I was trying to recover. Ugly, ugly moment. Literally if I didnt sit against him, he took off at a flat gallop and it'd take me running him straight into a wall and keeping him locked in that corner to get him to stop. Drives me up the wall. I lunged him before I rode too.

I love this horse so freaking much but sometimes Im just like why is everything so freaking hard. 

When he goes to do something like in the video you HAVE to use the bridle because if he takes over poof you have no steering or brakes and if someone else is in the arena. That is dangerous. People would say well he shouldnt do that and Im like well no sh1t he shouldnt do that, think I want that? No and a cowboy would make this horse rear over and flip as would most of the trainers I know. You have to be that right balance of holding him to a line and saying hey THIS is my expectation and dont waver from it but you also cant really pressure or make him do it, just clear about what you want and the expectation then leave him alone. If someone really pressured him he'd flip over or it would just make the grabbing nad running 10x worse. Running it out of him just makes him run more






I am still angry at Miguel. I don’t want to be with him at all but I am angry at the deception and blatant lying to my face. I am angry that I allowed myself to be fooled and give him the benefit of the doubt when I had alarm bells going off. I ignored them because I wrote it off as trust issues, being paranoid and bipolar. I would have rather thought myself crazy than believe my alarm system. I think when you have a mental health issue, you try to overcompensate because you don’t want to take the illness out on anyone else. I knew he was hiding something but I thought it was much more innocent. I may have found his porn stash…I thought it was that. What I’ve learned is to trust my instincts and LISTEN to them. Instincts can be more accurate than logic and to focus purely on logic is tying the hands behind the back when emotion and instincts can be more honest. He lost my respect. His decisions were so selfish and cowardly. It disgusts me. I am sorta thinking my history with men is a sign I need to be alone, I connect only to the biggest @ss hole I can find. I don’t connect to guys that are too nice or too sweet. The naivety or whatever really turns me off. I need someone with that extra depth and knowledge that comes from awful experiences and the experience with Miguel is probably the best one I’ve had with exs. The others ones were really ugly ends. 

Which brings us to Wonder. Wonder has a REALLY big heart, he is a sweetheart. Yes he is also a bit of a [email protected] but he has a real kindness inside of him. He is SO gentle with children and small animals. I was thinking about this a bit. I’ve had people ask me why I’m so dedicated to Wonder. Before I came to Denmark, some people I knew were shocked I was going to take Wonder. They didn’t know what our trainer had spoke to me in private about. I couldn’t leave him behind. Basically my trainer rode Wonder for 3wks while I was in Denmark and when I came back told me there was no way in he!l Id find someone who could ride him and if I did he’d do something dangerous and end up being put down, so I needed to find a way to take him with me or have that on my conscience. 

The reason I ride with a whip is to desensitize the horse to it, so they don’t over react. I also use it in the laterals sometimes. I still carry a whip on a hot horse because I want them to be less hyper reactive. Wonder used to kick at the whip anytime it moved.

Also some Ranja stills


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## DanteDressageNerd

I'm SO unbelievably excited!! Well my personal life may be falling apart but hey my horse life is clicking! It's the first time in a long time I've actually felt good about myself. It was amazing to hear from someone who really knows horses that I'm really talented and a really good rider. They said I had a way of inspiring the horse onto my side and gaining their confidence, so they dont spook and want to perform for me. It's so nice to hear sometimes and I really need it because I get discouraged.

Wonder is FINALLY getting the trot, it's coming!! It's really coming! OMG is his trot a work out!! I was struggling to breathe and my abdominal and back hurt SO bad. The canter I couldnt sit, trying to get him to stay with my seat, rather than take over and fly wrenched my back. I have a degenerative disk, so very painful. I could keep him back a bit in two point but I could feel him wanting to fly. And he is SO SO strong, Nicolai who rides GP jumpers and is very strong said Wonder is the sort of horse who if he wants to get away from me, can. He's insanely strong and very willful. Nicolai is better at managing the canter than I am, so he's going to work some with Wonder maybe Thursday or Friday and do some jumping. 

His trot is SO SO bouncy. I cant even, like I anchor into the saddle and hold myself but he's SO [email protected] powerful. It is unreal. I have never in my life ridden something as powerful as Wonder. The stallion I rode who was an alternate for the olympics, not even close to this strong. And it isnt that he's strong in the bridle or hand but his whole body is SO strong. He's so able to use it against the rider. He's amazing. I feel so lucky to have a horse like him. Yes he is frustrating and he is absolutely a magnificent [email protected] but he has such a big heart and a real kindness to him and he LOVES what he does. I can feel it everytime I pick up the reins and everyone whose seen me ride him says the same. You can just see it in him, he just loves this. He's so determined. You see in his face, he just switches into work mode and is right there.










That is what I love about horses, I love feeling the changes and differences and the light that goes off when the horse is working with you and you're together as a team. It is what I live for.

I may bite the bullet and just ask the trainer I like so much to come and train Wonder and I once or twice a month. She is very expensive, so I cant afford more than that and I do not have much extra cash lying around.

I am also going back to the US early July for a visit 

I am still quite angry at Miguel, just disgusted with him


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## egrogan

Am I remembering correctly that in the states you rode a Friday and a Saturday...and now you've found a Sunday?! :rofl: I love it. What are the odds??


Affirmation from people who really know their stuff can be a huge lift, I totally get that! Glad to hear you're finding a circle of horsey people that you really click with.


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## SueC

And by the time you're 40, hopefully you will know you're intrinsically amazing, without anyone else telling you this - but of course, it's still nice.  We're so socialised, especially as women, to think poorly of ourselves even when we're making huge efforts and progressing really well. Healthy self-love, as you'd love a friend, and looking at yourself as you would look at a friend, are so not being taught to us unless we have some sort of Zen people around us I think! 

Lovely photos and clips. That trot is looking good! Looks like you're doing as much work as the horse is! And who said riding is just sitting on a horse which does all the work? Non-riders say that...


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## DanteDressageNerd

Egrogan- Yes lol I was laughing about that. She was born on a Sunday and was named Sunday. Not sure why English Sunday and not Danish but that is her name. I thought ti was funny too :lol:

More of Sunday





Thank you. It really is. Nicolai's family used to be some top breeders in Denmark, so he grew up riding since he was very small. His brother is an international show jumper and he's ridden the GP. Also ridden quite a bit of dressage but it isnt his thing. So he knows a lot of people, been in the industry a while. It's also nice because he feels the same things in Wonder that I do. He said you know if Wonder wants to take off with me, there is nothing I can do. I said I know, me too. He is so strong and willful. He even said Wonder is probably the strongest horse he's ever ridden.

SueC- I hope so. I am already starting to care less what people think, I only really care about what certain people think. But I agree. I think women are conditioned to put themselves down, rather than to believe in themselves. Signs of confidence or self assurance in a woman usually invites the hoard of insecure women to attack, marginalize and belittle them. So women get bullied out of showing confidence. Rising above that is difficult. 

If you put yourself out there, people will judge and be nasty to you. But you cant quit or shut down just because of what jealous, insecure people who are going no where have to say. And truthfully I dont respect their opinion, so I dont care that much.

If people want to hate you, they will hate you. If they feel a gap in their life, they will look for people to hate and gossip about. People like that are petty, weak and cowardly. They dont change. They try to make up for their lack of happiness and ability to achieve by attacking others. I think that loser mentality is so prevalent and conditioned into women as a way to "manage the herd" or "social control." Powerless people want the illusion of feeling in control, powerful or better than other people. So they gossip, gab and put themselves in a position of feeling "superior" even though in reality they likely arent. Then some of us women say f*ck you, we're not here to be treated as less, go be bitter and nasty amongst yourselves. And we go live our own lives and achieve, while they go no where, are bitter and nasty. I figure keep distance from those people and live life your own way. They dont know better, they just like to think they do. Usually they're absolutely clueless and just need to feel empowered by marginalizing others. 
--
It is so much work to organize, lots and lots of core and back. He wrenched my back in the canter, so I didnt even try to sit it. He's stronger and bolder in the saddle. He doesnt come back in the saddle, he bares down and pushes past my seat and hand then tries to over ride the controls so he can gallop. He's very very willful and very very much so thinks for himself. And you have to set the framework and say this is my expectation, you are welcome to fight and do whatever evasion you please but Im not changing my expectation of you. Have to hold him to it or he widens the parameters to he does whatever he wants and there is no steering or brakes. I can guarantee VERY VERY few people have ridden a horse even remotely like this in personality, let alone with the power. I know there isnt a horse on this forum with anywhere near this horse's power or strength. 

The difficulty with this horse is NOT that he's hot. If that was the only difficulty, this horse would be easy. I LOVE a hot, sensitive horse. Sensitive makes life SO much easier. Wonder is hot but I dont think of him as sensitive, I think of him as strong, willful and he will try to over muscle the rider. You have to know what you are doing with this horse or you will get hurt. I havent let anyone trot or canter this horse that doesnt know what they're doing. I can let most people walk on Wonder but trot or canter, no way. My goal is not to have to take someone to the hospital. He can easily just over power the rider and do his own thing which he will try to do sometimes. It's who he is. He's become a TON more ridable and a TON better behaved but Rome wasnt built in a day, nor was training a horse.

And I love Wonder. He has taught me a lot. He is also humbling and one of those where when clueless people try to say what to do with him, I'm the type to be like oh well here are the reins and when I have to take you to the hospital. Dont blame me, blame your arrogance. Why I say people have to know and work with this horse to get it. He is his own thing and I actually respect and admire that in him.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Today Wonder had a day off, on his days off we do massage work and he gets all 4 legs iced and his stifles iced too. He gets pampered and enjoys the massage work, other times he tries to take my shoes off or if it's a sore spot he knows which knee of mine has trouble and nicks it. He's so sweet but he's so cheeky and opinionated.

Also for the record this horse has had a full medical work up, his quirks are not pain or health related. We've x rayed pretty much everything (clean, slight hook on the stifles), ultrasound, treated for ulcers, injected the SI, PRP both stifles, etc regular chiropractic, low starch/sugar diet, etc but I will be taking some adequan with me back from the states 

I'm doing a lot of stability type exercises to get my back and core stronger because Wonder can over power me so easily. But yesterday we had a break through when I rode him. I rode in the snaffle and he stayed with my seat in the canter. I had to be stronger than I wanted to be but he did it. Tried to have a long-low stretchy day but he didn't especially like that idea. So we did a lot of serpentine and circles and asking him to half halt and stay in rhythm with my seat, rather than over power and go beyond my seat. He needs to stay with me and not assume control. So we stayed in a small trot until I could let the reins out and he doesnt take that as an invitation to launch into the next galaxy. 

This is the really American thing I miss is going out and dancing to country music. I love how strong and how much attitude the women have, it's awesome. And Cher and Tina Turner.






So don't judge me, I'm doing the best I can
Got a [email protected] good reason for this drink in my hand

Good riddance to ‘em both, I really don't need them
I was working two jobs, they were fooling around
Crossed my mind to put ‘em six feet in the ground
I got an ex-old man and an ex-best girlfriend
Trust may be something that I live without
It's gonna take a while to remove my doubt
But everyone around you at some point will let you down
That's how I feel now






You said I stole your heart away by looking in your eyes
I wonder now how many times you sold that pack of lies
If this is how you act when you give your heart away
Well, take it back

Well, I'm not one for sitting 'round in some ole pity pool
You think you got a ticket and I must be some kind of fool
I hate to steal your thunder but your playing days are through
At least they are with me cause babe, I got no use for you

I'm also where I'm like you know what I'm gonna really take good care myself and look like I did when I was in the Marine Corps and would get approached for modeling. It didnt matter how good I looked or my mind, he cheated on me anyway but Im doing this for me. His friends told him how lucky he was to have me, how amazing I was, his mother really liked me, all that. I remember one of his friends said to me you're amazing but what are you doing with this guy? It wasnt that he didnt know that, it's that he cared more about satisfying his ego and fooling around with others. Play me for a fool, lie to my face, deceive me and make me unable to trust anyone ever again. 

I treated him really well like when he stressed and having a rough week, I'd make him tea and give him a back massage and just listen to him. I was supportive and caring because as much as I hate to admit it, I have a soft soul. he even said I was the best relationship he ever had, told our psychologist I was the only woman he ever wanted to marry and he was certain I was "the one." And I said yeah well you f#cked up beyond repair. And he said I know, I was stupid and selfish and I had everything. I threw it away for nothing. He also said he gained nothing and lost everything. And I said yeah well that was your choice. 

What I learned is if someone has something to hide they're going to be [email protected] good at it. And it doesnt matter how good you are to them, what you look like, your intellect, or any of the things you consider good qualities because people will behave as a reflection of who they are. And it is NOT a reflection of you or who you are as a person. Fact is some people are just weak and they're never going to change. He wont, I know that. He'll be a player the rest of his life. He doesnt have the will power or strength to be a better man.

But it upsets me I was working SO hard on my trust issues from previous exs which he knew about, he's one of the VERY few people I've told my whole story to and he validated every fear, paranoia and doubt I had. I dont think I'll ever be able to truly trust another man again and I sure wont be giving them the benefit of the doubt. Im not afraid to walk away or to ask the tough question or put pressure on when it's necessary. Or sometimes take charge. In a relationship I try so hard to be fair and respectful but I need to be more outspoken about my needs and what I need. Because what I know is Miguel didnt' have the emotional courage for me and he let me down big time. 

He said he did what he did because he didn't think I would ever find out. He thought he could do whatever he wanted, keep me and a string of F buddies.






Pictures of Alma and two of Wonder. And yes he has scars on legs from former injuries. He also has thickened front tendons that are a little ugly and almost look bowed but it's just a former injury. In Wonder's brilliance he reared up on a horse walker and got his legs caught and didnt race one year because of it, he did rehab instead. So I was told he also knows how to swim.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I dont know why going through a break up comes and goes in waves but last week I was doing better than I am this week. Today I cried. Now I have my glass of wine looking at all the wine from France I bought and need to drink. People can mock me for self pity, you know I can feel whatever I [email protected] well please and I wont apologize for feeling what I feel. I spent much of life repressing emotion, writing is off as irrational. Im not doing that anymore. I feel what I feel and it doesnt make me less for it. Or weak because I sure as he!l am not a weak person but I feel things very deeply and strongly. Im also a big romantic and I hate that part of me. My parents, all my cousins, Uncles/Aunts and Grandparents have these great relationships like healthy been together for years and years and are still actually happy, not fake. And none of them have had the sort of @ss holes I have and Im just like wtf is wrong with me? Why cant I see these @ss holes coming? 

I miss the relationship I thought I had. I KNOW it is best I know what a player and @ss hole he really is but the part that hurts the most is this time I dont think I can get my peace of mind back. I dont think I'll ever be able to trust in a relationships again. I think you can recover from a few scars but having the same ones ripped open over and over again. You just stop believing. I dont know that I could handle being in a relationship again because I'd be so full of doubt and 2nd guess everything. I HATE the beginning of relationships, absolutely hate it. I feel so insecure and skeptical. It's like being anxious and doubtful all the time. I was with Miguel because of what's been done to me and now if I try again, it'll be much worse and I dont think in a relationship I'll ever feel safe, secure or at peace again. I dont want to do it all again, too many emotions and Im not stable. I struggle to be stable, I am bipolar and I have to be careful because I cant really afford to get sick. Ive been sick enough that I couldnt drive because I was not functional. It's not my choice to have an illness like this, I didnt choose it and in many ways it's my enemy. Im proud of who I am but I also have quite a esoteric personality and Im not easy. I'm very generous, very giving and independent. I dont like showing too much weakness in a relationship. 

The thing that hurts so bad that Miguel took from me is my peace of mind and my belief in love. And I miss him or the person I thought he was. He was my best friend. And I miss the person I thought he was. And I wish I could say he was a good guy but we just werent meant for each other, instead of all the lies and deceit.

I know there are good guys out there, my guy friends are amazing but there is no sexual chemistry or desire there. I also know many people go through worse things and have it so much worse but Im allowed to hurt too. People call me strong and I dont feel strong, I feel sad. I feel really let down and betrayed by the person I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with. We connected so well, I just felt safe with him and I felt like things finally made sense. And we had plans going to Norway and Sweden like we planned together. And Venice. Getting married, having kids like we talked about. Where I am right now I pictured being so different. After our trip I felt SO sure of him, I trusted him, I felt so good about us. When I found out I was so shocked because I didnt think he could do that to me. All those memories just feel like being stabbed in the back and bullsh!t. Makes me sick.

I have a hard time really connecting to people, so when I click with someone and it just feels right. I dont know, I'm just not happy and I dont feel good about myself. I just hurt and Im tired of feeling like what he did, he did because I wasnt good enough. And Im tired of letting the biggest fu!cking @ss holes into my life thinking they're a great guy and my friends thinking they're a great guy. And being SO SO totally wrong. Like why cant I see it? What is wrong with me that I cant see poison coming at me. Im usually kinda good at reading people, my Dad used to use me at those fancy business social because I was charming, funny and people liked me and I could read people. Why do I become so stupid when I have feelings? 

I'm disgusted by all the lies he told and looking me in the face swearing to me he could never cheat on me after I shared with him what my exs had done and the trauma. He didnt care. It was all a lie. I look at all the memories and they're just laced with deception and bullsh1t. I thought for once I got it right. That if it didnt work out for some reason, at least he was a good guy. I cant say that about ANY of my exs that hey it just didnt work out but he was a good guy. And I wish I could say that instead because the scars just add up and this time, it's not really going to heal. I will always doubt and 2nd guess in a relationship. I will doubt his every word and figure he's just full of sh!t and question every compliment and every sweet word. 

I could go into the stories of why but I say very little in regards to my exs. I'll mention some things but a lot of it, I just dont talk about. It's a lot and then people never look at me the same way or they're like well youre doing quite well for someone whose been through all that. And Im like yeah well that's life, it sucks. Either accept it sucks or spend the rest of your life disapointed. 

Today I rode Wonder. He had a really good attitude and was very good. He tested me but we worked through and I was really proud of his mental attitude and how well behaved he was. We didnt do anything complicated, just trot mid level frame, not especially collected and more lower work to try to get him more laterally supple and balanced. He wanted to dive on the right shoulder so quite a bit of serpentines, shoulder in, etc. So pretty simple work, just focusing on details and responses to the aids being right. He got his treats and we walked around outside up and down some hills and he grazed.

Pictures are where I live and Alma.


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## lostastirrup

You have a beautiful horse, an excellent cat and as my grandmother would say "good teeth and prospects" which is more that can be said for the derriere orifice who thought he could do better. Never mind you're smart as hell. I'd drink wine and cry with you in a heartbeat, and when I finally get to that side of the pond I intend to (well hopefully not the crying, maybe more celebratory wine drinking while we go look at fancy ponies).


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## AndyTheCornbread

lostastirrup said:


> You have a beautiful horse, an excellent cat and as my grandmother would say "good teeth and prospects" which is more that can be said for the derriere orifice who thought he could do better. Never mind you're smart as hell. I'd drink wine and cry with you in a heartbeat, and when I finally get to that side of the pond I intend to (well hopefully not the crying, maybe more celebratory wine drinking while we go look at fancy ponies).


If you haven't been, northern Europe is a must see. I think it should be required for all US kids to spend a semester there or longer while they are in University...but hey that's just me :smile:


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## DanteDressageNerd

lostastirrup- thank you. It will be fantastic when you're able to come over the Atlantic for a visit. I will hopefully be stocked with wine and if not, I can go to Germany and buy. Sjælland has a lot of nice ponies! Hopefully I'll speak more Danish then too, so if you want a fancy Danish pony the price is better. They treat Danes differently than foreigners.

But thank you, your post made me smile  Wonder and Alma are pretty great. Alma is a total sweetheart and goofy :lol: Wonder too. Wonder has a really big heart.

But I'll say with cheating, they're not really looking for a "replacement" or "better" they're trying to fill a void within themselves. And just fill a hole in the literal and metaphorical sense. It's a selfish desire they act on. For him he liked the mystery and game of it, the thrill of the chase. You dont get that in a relationship. It's satisfying a baser urge and I think for him it was a real ego boost. He said every time he finally got what he wanted from them, he was left disappointed. And then he'd chase again. He obsesses about the fantasy, when you dont really know someone you can imagine them to be anything you want and something other than the reality. He said with the woman he took to Paris, he imagined something totally different and was deeply dissapointed. He said you think someone is interesting and captivating and than you realize they're nothing special. And I thought what an @ss hole. She's a good woman and I like her. She said she was disgusted by how affectionate and sexually pushy he was, once she realized he had a girlfriend and had blatantly lied to her. She knew it wasnt anything serious, just sex friends with benefits type of a thing. Casual, she has other lovers (which she's allowed as a single woman) but he played, manipulated and lied to her. It disgusts me how he played her too and she was so disgusted by his behavior, she told me because she said it really disturbed her that he was getting away with all the blatant lying. He told her he was going to Lisbon and Morocco alone. The horse in his profile pics he said was a friends (it's Wonder). Men like that just shouldnt be able to get away with that sort of behavior. I like her, she did the right thing and she didnt have to. She saved me from a worse fate. She said she kept distance from him after she found me on instagram but didnt confront him because it wasnt worth her energy until they both left Paris and he blocked her. He's a coward. He went from Paris to Lisbon to introduce me to his entire family and long term friend. He told them he thought I was the one. He's disgusting and I hate him for what he's done. He's the sort of man who will never grow up or change, it's who he is. He told me he did what he did because he thought Id never find out. He's almost 39, a total piece of sh!t. He'll get what's coming for him. He is not going to live a happy life. He talked about these women as if they were used rags that he couldnt care less about. He was like well it's not like I ever cared about them, I only ever cared about you *eye roll* 

He's disgusting. After that whenever he'd tell me he loved me, it'd make me sick. And I hate him, he's really a horrible person. He was proud of how he was able to trick me and other women. He puts on the whole sweet, shy, nice guy facade. He destroyed my ability to trust a man. I cant give the benefit of the doubt ever again. Nope. 

My Dad said Miguel is the sort of man who can have a gourmet meal at home and will stop at McDonalds to pick something up. McDonalds tastes great and you can have a real craving for it but it never really satisfies you because it's hollow. 

And I agree with Andy, Northern Europe is beautiful. I think there is not as much "touristy" spots in the Nordics but the nature and culture is really lovely!

Not much to update. But I'll say Im not sure I could go to Copenhagen for a while. It makes me too sad and I've already seen everything, so there really isnt a point. I also feel Copenhagen Danes are very different from the rest of Denmark. Danes say the same thing. And I say there is a different between people from the city and people from the country. But even in Odense or Århus people are a little more down to earth. A friend from Belgium hated living in Copenhagen because she says they are like robots, they do not think outside of their box. They just do what they do everyday and when the trains dont run perfectly or the schedule is off cant handle it. They're more diplomatic and I think sugar coat more than country Danes. Country Danes are pretty straight forward, tell it like it is and very practical. Down to earth. Generalizations but it's interesting to observe. I talk to Danes on their observations because they know more, language offers a lot of insight and keys into the culture. The humor is a bit dark and very sarcastic but not as dark as the Swedes or Finns. I think the humor is similar to the British but a little different. They have a lot of inner jokes too about everyone in the Nordics that are pretty good.

I am wondering how long it'll take to fully get over everything. I miss having my best friend and that person doesn't exist. He was my person when I had a bad day, I could talk to about and he could tell me about his and we just supported each other. If I needed help with something he always had the answer. The trust issues are going to be 10 fold what they were and they were already pretty high.


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## SueC

Dear @DanteDressageNerd, by the time I met Brett I was so cautious he literally had to defrost me. I even told him, when he said he was in love with me, that my heart seemed to be in a deep Arctic vault somewhere and I was having trouble finding it, but if he was willing to stick around I would look for it. I really didn't know if I could ever go there again, which was ironic after having met someone who really passed the veterinary examinations. ;-) And he did stick around, and it didn't take him _that_ long to excavate my heart from all the post-traumatic ice, and he has faithfully kept it warm ever since. 

It's OK to feel your feelings and be human. And I completely agree with what @lostastirrup said.

Your cats are ultra cute. :loveshower:


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you. I can completely understand the heart frozen in an arctic vault. When you've had your heart trampled over and over and over you just stop giving your heart away, even when you finally feel safe it's still locked. Abuse and trauma does strange things to the heart and brain. I think the layers it affects are so deep, we dont even realize how far they go sometimes. 

I'm glad Brett stuck by you, he sounds like a very special and emotionally strong and patient person. That's so rare and precious!! Im really happy for you both  I hope I can heal and have even half of what you two do. 

I dont really want to spend my life alone. Im just deeply disapointed and when he was in Paris he texted me throughout the day and sent me pictures. Same with when he was in Bali and when I had told him what had been done to me, he said that's why he texted me throughout the day and would send me pictures when he was out with friends. So I wouldnt worry. And he had asked me what more he could do, so I could trust him because he wanted to help me heal. And literally days after that he hooked up with a woman. I just dont know how I can heal or trust again. I've never met a more convincing liar.

More of Ranja. This is ride 4. She was a bit behind the leg, so I rode her quite in front.

I also taught her mom on her and she did an amazing job! Im super impressed with the progress they've made together. It was really good, she needs more fitness because her goal is to be able to ride Wonder at the trot and canter. She said his gallop (Canter) is so huge and powerful. It seemed





I am NOT perfect, I have NEVER claimed that. I show the videos because it's an honest part of the steps in the journey. I dont just show the good stuff because that's not reality. You go through different phases of training and take steps forward and steps back, every ride isnt brilliant or flashy. But it's a part of the process. 

Wonder was a bit sore, so I just lunged him lightly and let him eat. He was very cuddly. So we snuggled. He may be difficult but he is such a special horse with such a big heart!

Im still pretty ticked at Miguel and realizing how big of an @ss hole he really is. Told one of my friends some of the things he said which I will not repeat on here. I mean I swear a lot and I am not exactly prude but I try not to say overtly inappropriate things. And looking back I really should have smacked him for some of them. Really not okay things, just not something someone who respects women says. 

I got back to the US for 2wks in 9 days


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## lostastirrup

Shes lovely... And tell me why she's a jumper and not a dressage pony with that cute trot?


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## knightrider

When I was hurting so badly from a cheating husband, I found these songs really inspired me. I noticed how you like country music. I do also. I even like "Achy Breaky Heart". It was popular when I was getting over my heartbreak, and it made me smile--just keeping it light.






We had a 13 year old for 9 months that we planned to adopt. The closer it came to finalize the adoption, the more she acted out. She really didn't want us to adopt her, in fact she didn't want to be adopted. We learned later when we went to adoption classes that children who have been on their own most of their lives can't deal with regular family life--set the table, help with chores, get driven to the library, talk about their day. When she told me she was going to accuse my husband of sexually molesting her, even though he never did, I had to let her go. Once an accusation like that is made, she would have been yanked out of our home and we would never be allowed to adopt, whether it was proven not guilty or not. So I let her go--it broke my heart. We loved her so much. And then I heard this song. It helped me a lot.






The happy ending to the story of that teen is that I wrote to her every week. In every letter, I told her that we loved her and wanted to adopt her, that we would never have rejected her, but we let her go because that was what she wanted. After a year, I wrote to her every month, and then every couple of months until Facebook got invented. She keeps in touch with me on Facebook. She even visited us when our adopted kids were born. She now has 3 boys, a loving husband, and a good life. I am so glad for her. And glad that she knows that we didn't reject her. It's so easy for teenagers to re-write history, and I didn't let her do that.

My heart is with you. I hope you are well.


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## SueC

I was just reading and thinking how lovely it is to catch up with people from all over the world and see all this kindness.  Also watching that clip of you and Ranja, it was like looking through a window into another part of the world. I could even see your summer sun reflecting back off the sand!  There is something to be said for modern technology.

I like Ranja's movement and disposition. And it's exactly on the ordinary days we can see what a good rider you are! People who are good at stuff tend to have really high standards, and to focus on what they're not doing very well yet / at that point, rather than the 80%+ they actually are! :bowwdown:

Should we have a silly poem-writing party about your ex? The sillier the better. Let's see...

There is a man named Miguel
Do not go near him, Mademoiselle
Excepting for to box his ear
Inducing him to disappear
We should pack him in a box
Preferably without a fox
And we should shoot him to the moon
From whence he won't return so soon
Oxygen is optional in cases like this
Natural selection can be such bliss

 ...who will continue the story / make up their own?


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- Because Nicolai is a jumper and owns her too, her mom wants to do dressage. Sunday is also a jumper lol. She jumps brilliantly! Ranja jumps 1.15-1.20m

Also thank you for your friendship, cant wait until we're sipping wine together enjoying ponies :blueunicorn:

knightrider- thank you. The songs are helpful, thank you  and yes. I love country music!!

I know you've been through a lot. With the the adopted kids, that's really rough. I've heard from people that sometimes they know how to play the system so well they can screw over the people who try to help them because they're so used to being hurt and let down. But it's amazing she has a good life now! Way to go for her!! But you clearly have a really big heart and I really admire that in you and your devotion to these children, that's beautiful. 

SueC- **** thank you, I love it. I wouldnt mind that. I wish I had poetic talent but sadly I dont :lol:

It really is nice to see a window into other people's lives and hear their perspective and what they're doing. It's a cool thing. Thank you for your support, advice and kindness it means a lot to me 

I like her too. She's a really good girl, the one thing that makes her mom a little nervous is she's actually quite a spooky-nervous horse. But she's easy to ride through it. Just have to earn her confidence and keep her focus, then she's focused on the rider rather than everything else but if you dont keep her focus she's pretty jumpy. Her mom is a good rider though! 

I think you're right. I tend to look at everything that is wrong or not good enough and things to work on. I've been called negative before because I just want it to be good enough.
______

I was watching how I met your mother and there was a line, "you cant just run back to the past because it's familiar, I know it's tempting but it's a mistake." And it was about how little things or memories triggers painful memories into a previous relationship during a break up.

I would NEVER go back to him, not after what he's done but in memories even. He makes me sick. And I'm remembering all these small red flags along the way that were such little things I had forgotten about to realize this is not a man who respects women. This is a man who is a skillful manipulator and while pretends to be shy, is very good at using it to again manipulate people. He's good at reading people and playing the game to get what he wants while seeming like a genuinely sweet, shy person. But he's not. It's all selfishness and self centered choices. I'm looking at EVERY red flag and EVERY feeling where something felt off/wrong to me. It didnt start until he was in Asia. The first few months were perfect but it always is right? I need to remember, so I dont make the same mistakes again. I keep thinking I learn from each ex and I just cant seem to learn my lesson. I've been advised to be skeptical of engineers now :lol: 

None of my exs were losers or stupid, all were geeky and seemed like really nice, thoughtful men. Miguel was by far the least abusive and cruel but still it just disgusts me. Cheating on me with multiple women, taking another woman to Paris, actively dating looking for hook ups, etc. It's so hard not to take it as I just wasnt good enough. And people ask me why it bothers me so much that the women he cheated on me with werent attractive and I said because it makes me feel like I really didnt matter at all because he wasnt picky, it was basically whoever he could get. And I KNOW I shouldnt think like that but it's how I feel. It makes me feel cheap, disgusting and wholly unappreciated and garbage. It deeply bothers me. Because I dont understand why I wasnt enough. I dont understand why I cant be accepted or valued. Or why I mattered so little and his desires mattered so much more. I dont understand why I wasnt enough or why they mattered so much more than me. I never feel like Im enough and I never want anyone else to feel like that but it's a constant battle for me. I never feel like Im enough and his selection of women make me feel even lower which I KNOW it shouldnt and I shouldnt judge them because they might have been hurt too. And I feel like Im just never enough, Im not pretty enough or smart enough or kind enough or generous enough or hard working enough or enough of anything. It doesnt matter how much I do or anything I do, it doesnt change. And because I feel like that, I dont want other people to feel like I do. It's why at parties, I tend to become everyone's therapist or if I go on a bus or plane, I end up hearing people's life stories and try to help them through it. I enjoy doing it and I hope they're happy.

And Miguel told me he often felt like I was too much for him, that he could never match up to me. He said you're so smart and beautiful, how could I compete with that? We go to a party, everyone loves you and doesnt talk to me anymore. And he said I should never feel like I wasnt enough, he said I was but he wasnt. And there are good things about Miguel, there are but being a boyfriend he really sucks at. I remember when he came from Asia he said he'd be taking more solo trips, I now know it was so he could meet up with the woman in Paris (who lives in America btw). He had asked her after Bali if she wanted to meet up again because they had such a good time together. He really makes me sick, I want to lock him up and throw away the key. Why he's never had a relationship last longer than a year at 39 on the 28 June. And I dont know why logically and mentally I can say, it wasnt that I wasnt enough but emotionally that's how I feel. He enjoyed getting away with cheating on me, with breaking his promise to me and playing games with these women. 

Im not an easy person, I make an effort not to burden people in my life. On the surface to a lot of people I'm friendly, warm, sweet but I definitely have some attitude and rebel and I can be very assertive and take control of a room with a lot of fortitude. In the Marines they said I carried myself with pride and dignity and had a commanding presence. I can do that but in my personal life, Im not like that. I can put on a mask and nobody would have a clue from working with me. I never let it interfere with work. In fact work was a break because I could always pretend like nothing was wrong until I got home and then I couldnt eat or get out of bed. 

But it's officially my two year anniversary of owning Wonder. He didnt reach the stable until the 24th of June 2017 so I usually consider that are anniversary but today is the day I bought him after he had clean x rays.

So I'm putting together some memories of Mister Wonder.

I bought Wonder off of a racetrack after thinking about getting a project because I was bored. I was planning to re sell and Tina was looking so I started looking at horses. I came across Wonder's add and I kept looking at it and was like I dont need another horse then I called and found out her was an hour away, so I thought it cant hurt to see him right? And I bought him. craziest thing. He's also how I ended up in Denmark and working for the Danish olympian

This is my 4th ride on Wonder. We had some interesting mounting block sessions because Wonder used to be more typical "hot" horse as in he dragged my trainer faced down in the dirt. He would let me do whatever on a mounting block but he'd lose his mind if anyone else did. He was also TERRIFIED of whips. Like pick one up and he'd put you face down in the dirt. He was also REALLY funny about the right rein, I forget about that. It took over a year to get him normal about the right rein. He's also a type that needs his teeth done twice a year.

13 July 2017 Please note it was REALLY hot. I actually had no idea he was that hot when we started working with him. I mean I knew he'd just pull out of our hands and absolutely no one could keep him if he wanted loose. And I remember telling my trainer, oh Im not worried I've never ridden an actually hot thoroughbred. They might be sensitive or a little neurotic but they're not that hot...cue my motion to be shown otherwise. So I had a girl who is a very nice rider and has a rather difficult horse. She rides 3rd level and events training level ride Wonder while I was in Denmark. It is NOT her fault at all but basically I came back and Wonder was this hot, neurotic wild child. They were like he was just way too much horse for her. My trainer and the barn manager who had handled stallions in Germany and was a head groom for an international stable, so super good handler were saying he was really bad while I was gone. Horses there are turned out at least 8hrs a day. 

We'd wait until the hot point of the day to ride him. Our theory was that it would create good habits, so Wonder wouldn't get an adrenaline rush with riding. He used to break out in a swear when we put tack on, so for about a week or so. We'd throw tack on and keep the bridle loose and hand graze him. So he wouldn't associate tack with stress. 

We did a TON of ground work. TONS of desensitization, and teaching him to lunge it took a year and half before he'd lunge normal to the right. He used to fight you and you had to be so careful when lunging him right or he'd just turn around and go the other way (still does that) but dont have to be so quick or keep at it. Lots of natural horsemanship type work and in hand. And now he's super confident and cocky. 





Wonder right. We have been dealing with the right hind since I bought him. Worked with a sport horse vet. So multiple x rays, ultrasound SI injections and prp in both stifles to we just have to keep him fit and keep the muscles in the right strong or it will go back to this. Back and neck, etc all x rayed and x rays from top down to his feet.






11 September 2017





14 May 2018





25 June 2018










8 Oct 2018





14 Nov 2018





12 Jan 2019





24 March 2019





Christmas Wonder





He's such a [email protected]





His personality









His birthday 12 Feb 2019





This horse has so much personality, he is really one of a kind. His willfulness and opinions make us laugh at the stable. My friend, Emma said the problem with you Mister Wonder is horse's might have opinions but they're reasonable about them. You Mister Wonder just say well Im going to do it anyway, bye! She rode Wonder while I was on the 3wk trip with Miguel. Nicolai and Simone also joke about Mister Wonder's attitude and willfullness. Nicolai was like if this horse wants to run away from me, I cant stop him. Nobody can, he has a definite mind of his own and takes initiative.

Wonder is about 171-172cm and I am 170cm. So Wonder is about half an inch under 17h and Im 5'7


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## gottatrot

Wonder is an amazing horse.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- thank you. He really is, he's really special 

Also got to celebrate Sankt Hans with my Landlords (I am the only tennant). 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_John's_Eve

I didnt take pictures because it felt like it would be really rude to interrupt. But we had a bonfire with a stick witch, as it tradition to ward away witches. I need to learn a lot more Danish, sadly I speak more German than Danish and I havent really used German in probably 8yrs? 

So as I've written I struggle with bipolar disorder. I got to help a friend last night with depression. He was saying how it must be easier for me because Im so beautiful, brilliant and amazing, etc. And I said well you may see me that way but that's not how I feel. I feel like you. I often feel ugly, stupid, worthless and like Im not enough. So maybe you can see how distorted your perception of yourself really is because to me you're very intelligent, wise, big hearted and have done amazing things in life. You cant see it because the depression has been speaking so loud for so long, you have a warped perception of who you are. Dont let that make you believe youre less than amazing. And we're always here for each other. 

In regards to feeling inadequate and really hurt over the Miguel stuff, I talked to another guy friend from the Marines (mind you we're a crude, rude and sometimes vile people so I cleaned it up a bit) who said, how could you feel inadequate? He should be thinking what a f***ing idiot he is to have lost a girl way out of his league and to blank that up!! And I said yeah that's what a lot of people have said, (summarizing)basically Im hot and he's not and I had a stupid hypothesis at the time that date the nice, shy, sweet, geeky guy and he'll be faithful. Right...my friend was like how can you feel bad? That guy is going to be kicking himself the rest of his life, he threw away the best thing that ever happened to him, he's a f*cking idiot and you dont do stuff with idiots because you're a blank blankity blank Goddess and youre so much better than him, dont you forget it. Dont you dare forget he's the moron who threw it all away, dont you dare feel bad. Other crude things I wont repeat but guy friends are amazing. I wish they didnt all live so apart now, so we could all go to the bar together drink and talk like the good old days. Now we are all so scattered.

Im not always functional, I do really come alive at parties and socializing. Im good at that and people like me. I can be really friendly, funny, bubbily and charming or I'll sit down with the random person who is crying and hear them out and help them. I like helping people, I like seeing people succeed and happy. But afterwards it wears me out. I can be the center of attention but then I get overwhelmed.

My Dad also said of Miguel that he's the kind of guy who could have a gourmet meal at home and would still snack at McDonalds. And sure McDonald's tastes great when you're eating it but it isnt fulfilling and hours later you feel sick to your stomach. And I said yeah well at 39 he isnt going to change. Also watched a psychology expert talk about narcissists (I dont think he's a total narcissist/sociopath but he has features) and why they cheat and honestly it helped quite a bit to understand. They always need a confidence boosting source and something to prevent the boredom. They do it for entertainment and ego boosts. They are incomplete people and dont really know who they really are, their personality is split. And I think that aspect is true of Miguel. I think he wears many masks depending on who he's with to achieve his means. It's hard because it is one thing to know intellectually that what he did, is a reflection of who he is and his problems and not a reflection of me but it's hard not to take it personally.

I am also aware how fortunate I am in life. I am very grateful to my friends, family and animals. I know I am fortunate and I am not ungrateful but part of my process in dealing with betrayal which is a very deep sore spot for me is that I have to comb through everything and process it fully. I cant just build a bridge over it or I wont completely deal with it. I have to analyze and feel everything because I am a deeply emotional, introspective person and that's how I am. I cant just deny it or avoid the thoughts because it isnt healthy for me. I have to process my way, so I can get over it entirely and completely. That takes time. And it saddens me that in today's age people stil say just get over it. You're weak if you have feelings and I dont think that is true at all. I think it is weakness and cowardice to avoid feelings and build a bridge over them. You have to be allowed to feel and face things entirely. You dont have to be happy all the time.

In general I am not an especially happy person, I am a bit negative and Im used to having to fight for myself against gossipy, nasty people who cant achieve, so they attack those who can. I am a closet romantic (like Jane Austen, Jane Eyre, Clueless, romantic comedies etc) who is deeply cynical. I am the rainbow tie dye sheep of my family and they're pretty quirky, geeky people (including cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles). Very well educated, geeky, nerdy people but good people. Im just a little different and that's generally what my parents say. Oh Cassandra, she's a little special. 





----------

Horses. I've worked really hard to know what I do. And I am very well aware of how much more there is to learn and I LOVE learning and being around knowledgeable people and getting someone who gets it to help.

I did read some youtube comments on a horse I thought was quite nice and laughed my @ss off. These people are criticizing this rider who is clearly 10x the rider they are. Like seriously you've only ridden to 2nd level on if that a handful of horses and want to criticize a rider developing a GP horse (horse is a wb stallion schooling GP) because it isnt perfect? Well I'd love to see you ride that horse even a quarter as well. The comments were just from people who clearly have limited experience and dont really have a clue what they're talking about. But that's the horse world. A whole lot of "arm chair" experts who sit in the background talking sh!t thinking they know it all. I get sick of it and find it super obnoxious, especially because those people talking sh!t cant ride anywhere near as well as the rider they're being nasty towards. 

I feel that with Wonder when people who think they know it all say things they dont have a clue about. And it's one thing to make suggestions or be friendly/helpful and another to just be rude and obnoxious. Im the type whose like here are the reins, please show me how you know everything and Im just a big idiot who just misunderstood my horse. Oh you got bounced out of the saddle just in working trot, jeeze I wish I saw that coming. Oh you cant steer and got bolted off with? Wow I didnt expect that from Wonder, oh you're in the wall. Oh I'll take you to the hospital :eyeroll: people who dont have a clue are the most obnoxious. This isnt an arab or a qh or a typical ottb or a wb that you just have the right mind set with and poof is fixed. But that's why when it comes to this horse I talk to people who have worked with him and know what they're talking about "just do this" that works with most horses doesnt work at all with Wonder. I've never met a horse quite like him and quite honestly I respect and admire that in him. I LOVE horses like this and I know a few other people who do too and get it. People always had an idea of how it "should" go and then they have reality and most people are inflexible and dont have the experience to get it isnt just as simple as "do this" or "do that." 

Training is a process. Rome wasnt built in a day and neither was training a horse. It's part of why I show the struggles and ups and downs, because that is reality. Not every day is brilliant or even necessarily good. It's a lot of hard work and ugly moments. And Im serious, go to an international yard and watch those top trainers worked their difficult horses or even just normal horses and you'll see things way uglier than anything with Wonder. Heck even Valegro has photos of him rearing straight up with Charlotte. It happens. And a lot of those top trainers have horses in their yard they dont even pull out until they've worked through those kinks because it hurts their reputation for people to see the "ugly" stuff because people think if a rider is top notch that everything is perfect all the time and let me tell you it isnt and you really see that when you work at an international yard. Horses are not mindless machines who just obey and dont ask questions. And if a rider is good enough, everything is just effortless and smooth. Nope. Not at all and to me that is inspiring. 

I find hot, super sensitive, hyper reactive horses much easier than Wonder. Wonder is a powerhouse and really hard to organize. But he is an absolutely amazing horse to work with. I mean just in the walk, you can feel how powerful he is. Even on a loose rein. I have never ridden a horse as powerful as Wonder or as smart. He's incredible. Every day may not be easy and he has challenged me a lot but he's worth it. I've worked really hard and so has Wonder, are we perfect? Never and we never will be but I see how much progress we've made and how far we've come and Im proud and also happy to have such a knowledgeable and good group of people around me. We were laughing at some of Wonder's antics because if it were any other horse we'd be concerned but it's Wonder and we know him. He just does things other horses just dont do and I cant explain it. Sometimes you just go Wonder, really? Was that necessary? Why? And truthfully there have been a lot of days I just want to scream and rip my hair out with him but he's the best horse I've ever known.

Wonder and I jumped yesterday, just in the trot and played in keeping different trot paces. He got really strong a few times, no canter because he was just determined to gallop and I decided today is a fun day. I dont want to open that can of worms and have to address those issues. Then we hacked a little. He tried bolting. I brought him back to the walk and he just jigged. So waited through that for him to walk No hills because that triggers the bolting and he honestly scares me when he bolts. I'm pretty brave, I grew up riding bareback in a halter in fields and mountains and riding and conditioning event horses. Not scared of the outdoors or lack of walls. I've ridden bareback on horses up and down the roads that were spooky and volatile and wasnt nervous because Im usually the sort of rider who can get on the ticking time bomb and deactivate them and make them confident and not really have any problems with them but Wonder isnt nervous or sensitive hot, he's VERY confident and strong willed. He makes me nervous because once he goes I cant stop him and I dont know a single person who can. 

I absolutely will not walk this horse outside without a lip chain, if you handled or worked with him, you would understand why. Taking him to the field for turnout isnt a problem but to properly walk him around he will pull loose from you in a split second. I've handled rank stallions, difficult colts and other horses who I had NO problem keeping. Wonder nobody can keep it he wants gone. Even strong, experienced male handlers who have size. Wonder just goes and boom you have a horse galloping away from you which honestly scares me. If he got out on the road, this horse can gallop for kms and kms and not wear out. Around the stable he's great, perfect for farrier and vet. And take him to a new place, perfect behavior the first 10 days. Then he's like okay I have everyone's number. 

Also he is on daily turnout, so he is not in a box all day. It's not like what we had in the US but that was amazing turnout. And truthfully it didnt take the "edge" off even when they'd be out 8 to 16hrs a day depending on time of year and weather. But temperature makes a big difference, if it's been really hot and humid he is pretty relaxed. In cold weather he's much hotter, he hates being cold. In the weather we have I think he's more balanced. Still have to be careful when gathering the rein, HAVE to channel calming energy and have a CLEAR picture in your head of a relaxed, walking happy horse. He doesnt always listen but he gets so excited when you gather the reins. He's like YES let's go! Let's do something! And everytime I let the reins out and regather picturing this harmony of peace and he's like YES let's go!! So that is why I almost never school walk or halt to canters on him. Then he's like UHH LETS GO!!!! He loves his job, he asks questions and he protests but overall he loves his job. 

Wonder loves kisses










Some selfies for our 2nd anniversary and the first picture I love because it just says everything about Wonder. He's so cheeky.


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## knightrider

Thanks for sharing the songs. I love Reba and that is one I hadn't heard. I loved it! I surely do appreciate all your thoughts and musings. That Abba song was something, wasn't it? With your name in it. Whew.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> We'd wait until the hot point of the day to ride him. Our theory was that it would create good habits, so Wonder wouldn't get an adrenaline rush with riding. He used to break out in a swear when we put tack on, so for about a week or so. We'd throw tack on and keep the bridle loose and hand graze him. So he wouldn't associate tack with stress.
> 
> We did a TON of ground work. TONS of desensitization...


That's excellent... do you think Wonder might have had some sort of PTSD from his prior experiences with people? Our Romeo was like that, he was at the dog food auction
at age three because he'd been mishandled by greedy trainers who bought him... He was a blue-blood out of a Broodmare of the Year, with an Interdominion-grade half-sibling out of that same mare racing at the time; and as a well-grown yearling they'd bought him for megabucks and just pushed him too hard, and he fought back... they were using an electric whip on him and belting him, and he just kept fighting back, in the end he jumped the guard rail with cart and driver attached and smashed up everything, and that became a habit so they took him to the doggers...

And he wasn't the least bit "dangerous" with us - he was a really sweet horse, he just needed decent treatment and actual training. One thing that he never lost though was his PTSD about being on a racetrack. He would foam up and shake the moment he was at a track on race day - he knew the difference between just going for training and an actual race day. So on race days, he ran half his race before he even left the stall. He'd zoom off at the start like a horse possessed and lead the field by 50m before settling, and then he'd not have a sprint in him for the finish, of course, and at the time he was racing in long races - short ones he might just have won, but the long ones he ran out of steam with all the pre-race jitters and the rocket starts.

We wanted to see if it really was PTSD, and under veterinary supervision, trialled him on Valium once - no pre-trial jitters, no rocket start, settled well, pulled away at the end and won comfortably with a huge gap. That answered our question. Of course, you can't and shouldn't race on Valium, but it was an interesting (and legal, and open) exercise to run him in a trial with it. We'd made huge progress (no Valium involved, just kindness and training and desensitisation) with the horse to even get him to the point he could participate in races, but the flight response unfortunately didn't reduce to the point that he would be calm and normal in races. So he ran a couple of places, and was then retired to trail riding, which he did wonderfully for many years, and no PTSD. He was also a wonderful jumper. I loved that horse... and he'd have been a completely different horse on a racetrack if he'd not had the misfortune of being bought by idiots (rich idiots, but still idiots) at the yearling auction.

This was him when he got to Redmond for his old-age retirement when he was 26 - he's the tall, big-framed bay with the white socks.











He also liked camping out in our garden! 




Romeo was not an ordinary type of horse, and neither is your Wonder. I'm glad he ended up with you and is happy. :blueunicorn: The end for so many of these sorts of horses is usually not so happy.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- you're welcome and thank you for having shared your story with me and I love that song too! It's really nice! And yes the Cassandra song is interesting, not a great song but kinda funny. It's about the fall of Troy. To be a "Cassandra" is to be a prophet or speaker of truth and have no one believe you. She was Paris's Sister from the Illiad and warned the Kingdom her brother would bring a woman "Helen" to Troy which would ignite a war destroying Troy. Troy would lose the war. She has a very violent end. 

I confronted my Dad once on why he would name me after a character who was cursed by the Greek God Apollo for refusing his sexual advances, so people called her mad and crazy for much of her life, even though she was telling the truth and is met with such a violent end and he said well Cassandra is a very honorable character who stuck to her principles. 

SueC- I remember your posts about Romeo. He sounded like a really special horse! Thank you for sharing! As you said the sad thing is these "special" horses often end up in the wrong hands and abused. Romeo is really lucky you were able to keep him, my heart always goes out to the special horses. I think they make the most amazing horses but they absolutely are not for everyone and you need to know what you're doing with them. Really a shame he was so poorly handled in his youth but I honestly think it's quite common :-( I think Wonder has had some abuse. I think the person I bought him from provided Wonder with a lot of love and patience but before that I think somebody did something mean to him because when I bought him he had grabbed someone by the shoulder with his teeth and dragged that person straight into his shoulder and went after them. He HATED men. He loved his previous owner and me and now he's a much happier, not so aggressive horse but he's one of those you could easily make into a violent, aggressive horse. He has a lot of aggression. And he isnt generally a flight type, he's a fight type. We had a german shepherd try to attack us, Wonder didnt even think about running he stood on two legs and boxed at it like come near I'll kill you. Dog didnt come near. Yet if a dog plays harmlessly at his feet he wont move a muscle. And he loves cats.

I would never send him to a cowboy type and that is why I've been heavily advised to never put him in training with trainers here. You CANNOT be nicey-nice with him or he's like hah you're an idiot I'll do whatever I please but you can't dominate him either or he will fight you with everything he has. He still challenges me but they arent ugly blow up fights. You just have to be really firm with him NO negotiations and you cant let him get away with little details or it quickly escalates to Wonder is in charge and the rider is just a monkey on his back with no influence. This horse has 10x the power of an arab or qh or most tbs. He is SO strong. 18+h wb or draft crosses or friesian crosses dont come anywhere near close to as strong. I've never ridden anything like it nor have my friends here.

I had two trainers back home and the one that rode the GP said never let the other one sit on Wonder, she would make him rear and flip over so fast trying to micromanage him it wouldnt be funny. I also think in inexperienced hands he'd be a monster. He isnt mean by nature but he very much so will take advantage and is NOT respectful of people he doesnt respect (except for children or small animals, he is SO gentle with them). But a child absolutely could not ride him. Even if Wonder didnt have a temperament like he does his trot is insanely bouncy and rough riding like people used to big moving warmbloods struggle to post his working trot. I can let almost anyone walk on Wonder but more than that if they dont have the strength in their core, seat, and hand to keep him from running away and organize him he just takes off. 

I really hate some of the horrible things I've seen, so it doesnt surprise me it happens with standardbreds in a sulki. Just worse because they have the cart and cart PTSD is rough. In dressage I've worked with quite a few horses who have been psychologically tormented. You just dont see that so much in hunters or jumpers but I've seen it in dressage and from trail places too. But that's really interesting about the PTSD and valium, I absolutely believe horses experience PTSD and different disorders from trauma. Just like people. When I worked for the driving trainer we had to re-train a lot of horses with PTSD from driving accidents. It was a really interesting process because we'd always dig into the psychology of the horse and work with them bit by bit and it was pretty incredible to see the horse's change. It really changes something deep within them and is such a shame. As for Wonder, he might have had some sort of PTSD but I dont know because I dont really know his history. I know wide open spaces triggers him to bolt and when he's in that zone he is unreachable. He only cares about running and puts a mental lock, so you cant reach him and he is SO powerful we're essentially a mouse on him. I think with the equipment it was like Pavlov's dogs and he just associated tack with going to the track. He LOVED running.

That said I think at some point Wonder has been mishandled, he is too aggressive not to have been imo. I dont think he was born like that. I think the owner I bought him from put a lot of work into him but that underlying aggression is there. I think it's become less and less since I bought him but it's still there. He's also VERY brave. 
-----
Also forgot Wonder is a Coke drinker :lol: he only got a little bit but loves it! I rarely drink myself lol.

I quite like this song, I wrote this.

Players arent always the smooth talking cool drink of water. They can seem shy or even awkward, they know exactly what they're doing. They have many methods but deceit is their trademark and they dont change. They get better at covering their tracks and better at lying but they dont change. It doesnt matter what you look like, how kind you are, how good you are to them or anything good within you because you'll never be enough for an incomplete person. You cant fill a hole in their soul.The only thing you can do is run because he will never change, he'll just drag you under with him and break your heart over and over again. And you're worth more than that. Broken people can't help it, they're like a wrecking ball to anyone who gets close. You have to walk away, it doesnt matter how much you love them because they will never love you the way you deserve to be loved. You can't heal a broken soul with love. Love simply isnt enough.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> I confronted my Dad once on why he would name me after a character who was cursed by the Greek God Apollo for refusing his sexual advances, so people called her mad and crazy for much of her life, even though she was telling the truth and is met with such a violent end and he said well Cassandra is a very honorable character who stuck to her principles.


On that reading, that's a really great name! 

My name means "White Lily" - bwahahaha! :rofl:




> I would never send him to a cowboy type and that is why I've been heavily advised to never put him in training with trainers here.


His response to (some) men makes me think Wonder had a mean man in his past. I remember this story from Munich zoo when I was a kid - an old elephant who was otherwise peaceful and lovely had reached across the moat barrier and hauled a man into his enclosure and trampled him to death. When they investigated, they found the dead man had once been a zookeeper there, about twenty years previously, and had sadistically tortured the elephant and been sacked as a result. Animals have long memories, and people characteristically overestimate humans, and underestimate other animals (and children too, actually). There's this general hubris. And have you noticed that people who don't have that are good with so-called "difficult" animals? I think the "difficult" ones are just the ones who think for themselves a lot, and have a lot of spirit. And of course, I love them like that! 

I was going to ask you something, since I'm unfamiliar with the US (and you too, @knightrider, can shed some light on this for me)... I always used to refer to rough, stupid trainers as "cowboys" - because that kind of roughness and stupidity with horses is what we saw in a lot of cowboy films growing up - until I realised, later on, that the cowboy films we saw are not representative of a lot of cowboys in the field - such as @Knave and others, who are sensitive and intelligent horsepeople! :bowwdown: So now I prefer to use the term "*******" or just "idiot" for that sort of stuff, which unfortunately is even taught by some "professional" handlers, it seems.

And not just in the US either, because the very first horse my family bought, and I rode as a kid, was the only offspring of a Bavarian jumping mare who'd won regional championships, who'd gone to some ambitious teenager who wanted a champion jumper, and had become completely unmanageable with them. The riding school I attended acquired him cheap, and eventually we bought him after the head of the riding school (who was rough and dominating, unlike Monika, my riding teacher) had been dumped a few times - because in lessons with the horse, I got on well with him. He was a horse you had to negotiate with, and persist with; you could not push him. You had to make things fun for him, and he had to trust you. And he never dumped me, but he did spook with me a few times - he was terrified of tractors.

Anyway, to get back to my US query, there's all this stuff I read about that people do which involves "making the horse work as punishment" (how stupid, I'm trying to teach my horses that work is fun, and then we all want to do it, and here are people imposing their own dire views of work on their horses and using it as punishment, and then expecting their horses to...I don't know what they're expecting, surrender? Yes, sir?) - and making them run circles on the lunge the moment they do something the handler doesn't like... Oh man, that's such utter nonsense to do when training an animal... Most of the time, the horse simply doesn't understand what people want from it, and then they get to run circles on top, as punishment? So ridiculous. It's like if I were to make students do push-ups as punishment in the classroom if they don't understand physics. I should actually be spending my time teaching them physics...

Training horses really isn't that different from training people. Clear boundaries you defend, lots of positive reinforcement, try to make it enjoyable and an adventure, avoid boredom. Break things down into little steps and encourage, encourage, encourage...

Anyway, I'm totally flabbergasted with some of the stuff advocated in some schools of horse training, and am not surprised that horses like Romeo, and Wonder, and that first horse of ours, and many others, go right off the deep end when they encounter such stupidity and arrogance, and abuse...

End rant! ...there are other things I want to come back to later, this is such a dense and intricate journal...

Happy Wednesday to you and Wonder.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- I'll respond properly later. I do not know when but before I return to the states for two weeks. I consider cowboy riding, rough riding where they want to tune the horse out and shut it down mentally and just do a job. Spanish ride like that a lot. No sensitivity and not very tactful. But I agree I have never understood just work into the ground and run the horse around. I like to explain and break down problems but how I work through depends on the horse. For example I am much firmer with Wonder than I would most horses because he needs a CLEAR, definite, consistent line. Cant beat him around but cant let him just do what he wants either or he loses all respect for the handler and calls the shots. Have to break things down.

I'm just letting everyone know Alma passed away last night. We do not know for sure why, I just know she went out from my apartment at 1930 and they neighbor found her body at 2100. I was watching "How I Met Your Mother" at around 2200 when I got a knock on my door saying the neighbor has found a cat in her drive way, we need to see if it is Alma. I didnt think it was and then I saw it was her and just broke down crying. I swooped up her body wailing and carrying her across the street to our lawn and collapsed onto the grass crying like a big baby. Thinking about it still makes me cry. The neighbors from up the road came to comfort me and my landlords too. They're really good people in my neighborhood, I live in the country. 

My friends and I think either she had a heart problem, we didnt know about and it took her suddenly or she ingested some sort of poison or a wasp. We dont know. There was not blood or marks, her body was fine. She just wasnt inhabiting it anymore. The body wasnt warm. All I know is she didnt suffer long. It was fast. 

We buried her this morning, my landlords were very fond of Alma. She was part their cat because she spent so much time with them in their house and garden. They watched her when I was away and they liked it because it allowed them to have a cat without owning a cat. She was very well loved, with a full adventurous and happy cat life climbing tree and catching birds. 

I wrote a kinda lame little note, we buried her with it
"You were so very loved, I want you to know that I miss you and you were the best cat I ever had. You filled my heart with so much joy. You helped save me from my sorrow. When I was broken you helped piece me together. When I was suffering, you were there for my tears. You helped me through so much, I wish there was something I could have done to save you but God needs you home.

You were so full of life, it was always a pleasure coming home to you. To see you trot with so much cheer to greet me. I always felt joy when you came and it breaks my heart that I will no longer see your happy face. I loved your cuddles and snuggles and purring. Even the times you were demanding, crying and drove me crazy. Your light made my day a little brighter.

It breaks my heart you will no longer be in my life but I hope you know how loved you were and I know I wasn’t the only one who loved you. I don’t know why you had to go but I hope you are in a better place. I hope you are happy and able to keep climbing trees, catch birds and feel joy. You were the best cat I’ve ever had and though I may get a new cat, it will never replace you in my heart. You were truly one of a kind. I will remember you always. Love, Cassandra"

The first 3 pictures were taken at 1844 last night. She shared a T-bone together. I almost never buy steak but it was a discount price. We had dinner and she laid on my coat. Then I went to the computer and she laid down for a while and wanted out. So I put her out and that was my last memory of her. I am so sad she is gone, it hit me much harder than I thought.

I expected to have at least ten good years with her not ten months. I'm so sad. She brought me so much hope and joy. No matter how bad my day was or how low I felt emotionally, she was there. She always came trotting up to me, calling me when I came home. And I miss her so much.

All my videos of her


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## SueC

Oh, that's so sad, @DanteDressageNerd! :-( I'm so sorry. It's always tough to lose animals you love, and she was a sweetie...


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you. She was such a special cat. She had such a glow or inner light in her that no matter how depressed or low I was she was there for me giving me emotional support. I loved her so much and I know she loved me and so many. She was so kind.

She had been a Mama cat before I bought her. All her kittens had been adopted and no one seemed to want her. She had been at the shelter for a few months. I dont know why no one wanted her. She is shy but so kind. She just takes time to warm up to people. Always cautious about cars and smart about things. Just so sad she is gone. There were no signs. 

She has a ceramic vase and flowers over her grave now. My Landlord's gift to her, they are such good, kind people. Good energy.


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## SueC

:hug: I cant believe the timing. It's like these things always come in clusters...

I'm glad you gave her a good home.


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## gottatrot

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your beautiful kitty, so suddenly. Your note to her was lovely. I loved the video where she was taking the food off the plate with her paw. So cute.


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## egrogan

Oh so very sorry to hear about Alma. They find a way to become family and losing them is a hard blow. I do understand what you mean though about it happening quickly and without suffering- that was the same for our dog a few weeks ago now. Very, very sad.


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## whisperbaby22

Condolences on the loss of your cat. It's very hard to loose them no matter how long or how short they are with us.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- Thank you. Im just sad, I've lost Miguel and Alma. Me neither and I agree. The bad stuff usually happens in clusters and in my experience, in groups of 3's so I'm waiting for the next one. 

She did. I gave her the best home I could give her. She was outside most of the time. My Landlords loved her as much as I did, they're such good people. The neighborhood in general is full of really good people. Mostly retired folks and country folks. We have a HUGE national ranked horse facility 5min walk from me, they breed warmbloods as well and have 6 foals. Icelandic ponies EVERYWHERE. It's a nice place for a cat to live. 

I'm just heartbroken, I keep crying when I think of her. So Im waiting for the numbness to kick in. She was a big support with my mental health and with the Miguel stuff. She gave me hope and joy every day. No matter what I had her to look forward to and now she's not there anymore and the house feels so empty. 

gottatrot- Thank you. It was from the heart, we buried her with the note. My landlords loved it. They started crying too when we laid her to rest and shared our memories. It was heartbreaking. Poor Poul was teary eyed, he really loved her too. We were all just trying to make sense of it. I dont understand why she had to go but not in our hands. 

She was funny, she did that with her pellet food too, she'd take individual pieces and roll it out of the dish to eat :lol: She was a funny cat, made me laugh or smile every day. Even when I was at my worst. It's funny my depression episodes can get quite bad but not like what I feel now. I feel so sad. Depression is more self directed hatred with voices telling you you're worthless, stupid and never going to amount anything, etc but this is just overwhelming sadness and loss.

egrogan- Thank you. Im so so sorry about your dog too :-( losing a loved one like that is never easy, it hurts like darkness has replaced the light they provided. They're family and emotional support. We give them a good home, love, care and cater to their needs and in return they cater to our souls needs (I know super lame) but I think it's true.

I loved her so much, she was my piece of joy and hope each day. I always looked forward to coming home to her and seeing her happy little face. Not having that just kills me. I just dont know why she had to go. She was only two years old and so full of life. But I know she lived a good life and was truly happy before she went. We had a moment around 1844 last night of affection and love. She was happy.

whisperbaby22- Thank you. She was a great cat. The best I've ever had. Im so unbelievably sad. She was two years old. 
---
Something just has to give, Im so tired of being sad all the [email protected] time. Im tired of hurting and just want Alma back. She brought me so much joy and I feel like I didnt appreciate her enough or maybe too much because she wanted to spend most of her time outside on the prowl. 

Losing Miguel has been really hard. He was the person who I could always turn to when I lost hope or I was scared or anything. I could turn to him. It wasnt just losing a bf, he was my best friend and support unit and losing my piece of mind knowing all the lies and deceit, lying to my face promising to work with me on my trust issues because he wanted me to trust him and know not all men are like my exs, my hope and belief there is a future that might include marriage and kids some day is gone. Alma helped me a lot with that loss and when she saw I was sad, she knew and would lay next to me like it's okay. Im here, it'll all be okay. And Quite honestly I dont know if marriage and kids is meant for me. And people in my past, not just exs but close friends have let me down pretty badly so I get really attached to my animals, they become my family and I treat them with the best care I can afford. 

You can show animals the love and devotion you cant to humans because animals dont really take advantage and exploit you. They're genuine in a way humans can be deceptive. They're my rock and I need a support structure with my mental illness to keep me stable. Losing her is losing my rock. I could show her love, I couldn't show others because she wasnt going to hurt with it. I devote a lot to my animals, they are always well cared for. They're better cared for than I am. Im pretty stable atm but I dont know how long that will last. I'll say Alma and Wonder helped a lot with keeping me stable.

Wonder is different. Wonder makes me happy, he had the day off and he wasnt very interested in cuddles or kisses, just food. So I gave him a massage and left him alone to eat. He was in field most of the day.


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## lostastirrup

I am so sorry for the loss of Alma. Cats are incredible creatures,not at all like dogs or horses. They love us like a gift, good care, affection seems to not play as deep of a role as it does with the other domestic animals. They choose their people and she picked you. I bet Alma felt as blessed to have you as you her. What a home to have, what a soft landing for a rescue mama cat.


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## knightrider

What a dreadful terrible awful blow to lose Alma. I ache so much for you. Just one blow after another. I pray that you can stay strong. I am glad that others loved her and mourn for her also, but I am so sorry you have this to deal with as well. Your note to her made me cry.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- thank you so much for being such a good friend and being so supportive. I know to some people it may seem silly to get so upset about the loss of an animal but I think here where people are animal people and really love their animals, they get it.

I entirely agree with you, cats are really special in their love. They dont need us, they are perfectly capable of living without us but choose to be with us. They dont need us and I think that makes the love that much purer. 

I love "Four Feet in Heaven" that is really beautiful, made my eyes leak :lol: I cry so much now, it's hard to believe when I was a Marine and before that I was like a robot. So unemotional or emotionally shut off. My Dad was not big on emotion, he is better now but it was all about logic and being logically consistent and aware. Like Spock lol. Not intentionally callous, just not very emotional. 

But thank you, I really love my animals. They're my family. Losing one breaks my heart.

knightrider- Thank you. I miss her so much. I just miss her, she had such an inner light and joy to her. I can see her looking up at me with such love. Every day I came home she'd come to me meowing and greeting me and she'd trot up to the door with me to go in for dinner. Looking up at me with love and happiness. It makes me want to cry just thinking she isnt going to be there anymore and I thought she'd be around for a long time. 

She was a well loved cat. I cant read it again or it makes me cry too. I feel so ridiculous. Im just tired of feeling so sh!tty all the time. And I guess I dont feel bad all the time but Im not happy. The last time I was really happy was when I rode the 3 horses and before that when I thought everything with Miguel was going great. 
---------
What Im realizing in case of Miguel too is [email protected] up people can't help themselves but f!ck other people up. It's not an excuse for them but an understanding for those around them. Sometimes people aren't evil, they're just screwed up and cant help the ****ed up **** they do. It doesnt mean you have to stand by while they hurt you but understand that they're really hurting inside. It is not your job to try to help them because you cant and they will drag you down with them because something deep inside is broken and even if they care about you, they're just broken. You cant save them, you just have to get away and keep distance because even though they might "love" or "care" about you in their way, they're too screwed up to do it properly. While they may have a good heart, they're broken and can't love you the way you deserve, they're fundamentally incomplete people with split personalities who dont really know their true identity and have a deep pain that never mends. They're always seeking temporary happiness because they are unable to find fulfillment or joy in life. All they have is moments and that's pretty sad. This is not making excuses for their behavior but understanding so we can make peace.

I have no idea why Alma had to die but I am glad she didnt suffer and her last day was good. Those little comforts are important and that I was here to say good bye and bury her because Monday I fly out to the US for two weeks. When I come back I'll probably start looking for another cat. The only real comfort there is, the new cat wont be Alma but at least I can provide another cat with a loving, warm home that may not have had that otherwise.

NOBODY is owed happiness, NOBODY gets to be happy all the time. EVERYBODY has periods of sadness, loss, emptiness and trials that make them into the person they become. But I also think it's pretty bullsh!t when people tell people in the hard times to suck it up and quit being weak. You know what EVERYONE deserves their chance to feel what they feel and be sad. And really take time to heal from what they've experienced and not be guilted into thinking they're less for hurting. Because the people who dont really feel are cowards without the strength to face pain. 

Talked to my friend on the national team, her pony and Wonder are a lot a like. So I like her ideas and advice. She helped me a lot with developing Wonder's extended trot because she had the same trouble with Elmer. She said about Elmer a lot of people cant ride him because with him it's not a line of connection from back to front like most horses, it's like he's two halves and it takes so much more to organize him, just like Wonder. It's not something people can understand without riding a horse like these guys. The basics take longer to develop and things that are straight forward and easy on most horses are not with these guys. He's a power mover like Wonder. Elmer schools the GP and competes PSG. I'd love to let her ride Wonder but we agreed Wonder is too strong and might hurt her. She's a lovely rider and I really admire her. I think in the US that's why I couldnt get a lot of people to ride Wonder, I had a friend male rider who was really empathetic/talented and usually rode the quirky, difficult horses. He almost has his silver medal, and he laughed at me when I asked if he would try Wonder. He was like I see how that horse rides, I dont need to ride that one. But you can enjoy him, he's all yours. I had a friend with her silver medal who got it on an arab she trained herself couldnt steer or get Wonder on the bit at all. She is a good rider, it's not that she's bad but she couldn't ride Wonder. He just overpowered her and she got scared because she couldnt influence him. She was really embarrassed and I told her I dont judge people when they cant ride this horse, he's really hard and not straight forward. I've had a few people get on him thinking they could fix him and were like okay you know what you're doing a great job with him. Keep it up.

My friends with Elmer also agreed there is no extra credit for having a difficult horse and people will see someone else on the easy horse and even though they might not be half the rider you are, people will go oh they're such a great rider. Because you dont get credit, people just see the struggle where it's easy on another horse and go oh well why isnt easy for you? Must be youre not good. She was like yeah. Nobody looks at you and goes oh wow good job for making what you have out of this horse. They're more like well why isnt your horse easy? Why dont you just do conventional method a, b, c it works for my horse and it's like yeah my horse isnt like that, sorry. And we laughed about that. When you're poor you work with what you have. There is NO extra credit and nobody looks at you on a difficult horse and goes wow you're doing a great job, they just see the flaws and go well why isnt your horse easy? She gets it, it's a different process when certain things dont come naturally to your horse that it does for most. It's more work and takes more time. Some are just hard and unfortunately a lot of people dont get it. But it's how it is. I told her she's a brave girl and I admire her.

I dont like how strong Wonder is, I dont like how much bridle he takes to ride and if you rode him. You would totally understand why. A lot of competent rider can't even post his trot. It is REALLY rough and feels HUGE, it may not look like he's taking a big step but it feels HUGE. What makes Wonder so hard is not how hot he is, it's how strong and smart he is and how he's able to use that against the rider. He's torn my core muscles and pulled my back out. He's un real strong. Even the male riders who are physically strong are like this horse is wonderful but he is so difficult. He's so f#cking strong.

In an ideal world I prefer something more sensitive and softer than Wonder Wonder is something that if he doesnt take you seriously or wants to test, you put an aid on and he just pushes his body into your pressure and is like MAKE ME. So you have to be more insistent and clear then he's like oh okay, I was just making sure you knew what you were doing. But at the same time you cant bully him or try to dominate him, just like hey Im your partner and not your b!tch. Be respectful. You have to be sure of yourself or he's like hah watch this. 

This song is just cute/funny, I didnt especially like it at first but it grew on me.


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## egrogan

Nothing silly at all about feeling sadness losing a cat. A few days after we lost our dog, we nearly lost the cat too. He's almost 19 years old and had a complete urinary tract blockage. That resulted in a 2am emergency vet visit, which led to bladder surgery and three days of care at the vet (aka, approximately a mortgage payment worth of vet bills :wink- fortunately, they were able to save the cat and we have him home now. He's lost a lot of weight but seems happy. We're glad to have some more time with him, however long that will be.

I thought of you when I heard this song yesterday


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## SueC

Your Alma reminds me of a cat I had once called Monique - a tiny little Burmese from the cat shelter, who had tons of personality and was the cleverest cat I ever knew. It's a shame I don't have photos of her, but this was all pre-digital and a long time ago. She had that same concentrated aliveness and joie de vivre that Alma had. Apart from their different colours, they could have been sisters. Cheeky monkeys too! I thought that pea-chasing clip was hilarious.

For some reason a few weeks ago I had the impression you had two cats - I think that's because Alma looked really warm tortoiseshell from some angles, and almost grey and white from others, in certain kinds of light. (Or maybe I need to wear my glasses more often! ;-) )

It's so hard to believe nobody wanted that cute cat. I think that about our dog too, who was dumped before she was a year old, and would have been put down if she'd not found anyone to adopt her - and there's such an overflow of unwanted dogs here.

This is Jess doing her Origami impersonation.



And she loves to play with balloons...


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## DanteDressageNerd

egrogan- thank you! I LOVE that song, Im more familiar the original and the one from First Wives Club but that is sort of my theme song. Im a bit cat. I had a friend invite me to comicon in DC and I said I'd go as Catwoman, been my favorite since I was 3yrs old. I loved Michelle Pfeiffer as catwoman. I admired the character and still do. She does what she wants because she wants to and nobody owns her. She isnt good or bad, she just does her own thing. Im a bit like that :lol: 

I am SO glad you didn't lose your cat too, that would have been too much. It's amazing he got better and at 19 simply amazing he is as healthy and fine as he is! But shoot that sounds very expensive!! But at least they were able to save him! I'm so glad he is well, I hope he continues to thrive for a while yet! He's so lucky to be in such a loving family, lucky lucky cat! What is his name?

Sue- Oh Burmese are lovely! My grandparents bred a litter once. My mom's parents are big cat people. Monique sounds really special and lovely! Cats leave such a mark in our hearts. Every one is so special. 

I had not heard the phrase joie de vivre but that is exactly right. That is the exact quality that I loved so much in Alma. She was such a joyful cat. And yes I love that video too, she always made me smile when I was sad. She gave me a piece of happiness every day and I know she was happy. Im just shocked and sad she is gone. It was so sudden. I think in the stages of grief, Im in the denial phase. I just cant believe she's gone, even though I saw her body and buried her 

I LOVE the video of Jess, that made me smile. I can feel her light through the video. So many lovely animals just find their lovely home. That's the only thing good I think about losing Alma, is that a cat that otherwise may never have a home or life can have one and be well loved.

Wonder cheered me up a bit today and he was REALLY good to ride. No saddle. We arent using that again for a while because it's not right and Wonder isnt happy in it. It blocks his shoulders and body. He was SO SO SO happy bareback and so eager to go and please and bend, much more uphill and better use of his back. That's the horse I love working with. He's such a fun horse. He just loves to work and he gets too eager when you gather the reins, so I gathered the reins and had him walk for quite a while. He gets so tense in the walk, he's just so anxious. The tension isnt from force, it's from inside of him, he's so game. He's like YEAH lets go, come on let's have fun! What do you want me to do? He's MUCH more confident in the trot, it's starting to feel more like a regular horse in that he is keeping rhythm SO much better and more flexible in stride length and keeping a true trot rhythm. That's HUGE. I am so proud. 

I miss Alma and wish she was here, it's still hard for me to accept she wont be coming back. It's sad coming home and not having her there. The house feels so empty without her presence. I'm so sad. I just want her back, I dont see why she had to die. I know I had no control and there was nothing I could do, it was just so sudden and Im still shocked, she was such a healthy and happy cat with so much life inside of her. It was such a freak thing. I'm glad at least she got to be outside where she loved to be and in freedom when she went. And she didnt suffer long. She had a good day, the weather was very nice. Sun was out, she soaked in the sun a while on the porch. Just sad.

Alma's grave and some Alma selfies. I dont have very many. And for the record my psychologist has told me I am not crazy, I am not the most photogenic and hard with a cat :lol: My landlord does ceramics and she made the vase and flowers for Alma. My landlords are very good people and loved Alma as much as I did. We were all very sad to see her go. Poul and I laid Alma into her grave and Gertrude did the vase and flowers. We were all 3 very sad :frown_color:


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## egrogan

DanteDressageNerd said:


> egrogan- thank you! I LOVE that song, Im more familiar the original and the one from First Wives Club but that is sort of my theme song.


 I heard an interesting story the other day about how Quincy Jones, the producer of the original version, wanted to update it, and happened to hear Grace, a new Australian artist; he decided she had the right voice for the redo.

This is my cat, Newton. I've had him since the summer after I graduated college. He's been with me through moving all around the country (7 states!), some heartbreaks, and all the good stuff as well. It makes me laugh to think I've known him longer than my husband!


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## DanteDressageNerd

egrogan- that is really interesting! I didnt even know he was still producing music! Incredible!!

Newton is GORGEOUS!! What a lucky cat to have such a warm and loving home and you being lucky to share your life with him too. I imagine it's a lot of sweet, wonderful memories! He's a constant and absolute treasure! What a sweetheart!
___

Rode Wonder, he was quite good today. We rode bareback. Flies were awful. We did not ride long, I need to buy fly spray but it is SO expensive compared to the US. His trot is really coming along, Im so excited. It will be brilliant when he's stronger and can maintain that "big" trot while completing lateral gaits. We trotted a lot. Some canter. He was very good. 

I still miss Alma a lot, Im very sad she is gone. I am hoping I am FINALLY moving past my ex. He's found someone else or a few someone's I think :eyeroll: I mean not like he wasnt dating other women hoping for hook ups while he was with me. Someone else can be his victim, he's just a disgusting pig in my book. It sickens me because it's really insulting and Im lucky I found out so he's out of my life but such a sick, twisted person. It sickens me that I still hurt and he probably feels nothing. No guilt, remorse or hurt yet he is the one who did the wrong things and I still hurt even though I did nothing wrong. I'll get be over it soon and I know overall I'll live a happier, more fullfilling and better life, even if from the outside it seems he's getting everything he wants and Im not. Just gotta give it time. I may fall harder but I rise higher too. Losing Alma was a hard blow because she was my emotional security and joy. I loved seeing her so happy. She was so full of life, it just isnt fair. She had so much life to live. I know Im glad she didnt suffer but I wish she had more time.

Or as my Marine friends say Im still young and hot and he's neither of those things. People like me more than him but I have a REALLY hard time making real connections with people in a romantic way. It is so rare. I cant be attracted to just an appearance, I need the whole package and it really has to be worth it. Else it's not worth it. Better alone than where you're not respected or wanted. Dont want to be the thing that's nearly what you want but not quite. Want to be the you are everything I've ever wanted and more. I want that. The real deal and not based on lies, deceit or manipulation. 

I'm also developing a pretty strong accent. They'll hear it at home when I visit for two week. Wonder will have that time off. I think he'll be fine and ready to work when I come back.

I'm also starting to realize that maybe Wonder and I arent so different. We both have big F8ck you personalities. We're not mean but when push comes to shove, we shove way harder. I think at heart we're both fighters and I admire that in Wonder. He's a tough tough horse but he has a determination and inner light that is so remarkable to me. I feel blessed to have a horse like him. He is such a joy to work with every day. He'll work Saturday and Sunday and then he'll have two weeks off. 

Another Alma selfie. I started browsing cats online (not getting one yet) but looking. I'm open to a 5+yr old cat or a kitten, just whatever I click with. I generally prefer to adopt or purchase adults because then you know their personality and who they will be as adults but when I look there are SO SO many more kittens available then adults and Im fine with either. Whatever I click with and connect with when Im ready. I miss her and I am heartbroken she is gone but I also know she lived a good life and we dont get to choose when they go. We like the illusion of having more control tha we actually have.

I'm going to the US for two weeks 1 July.


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## knightrider

Yesterday I rode my neighbor's horse so he could ride mine and see if it made his back hurt. My neighbor's horse is quiet and docile and easy. He's a little forward--he likes to go, but he stands quietly and doesn't do any silly stuff.

We were riding along and my neighbor was happy because my horse wasn't making his back hurt. He is trying to decide if his sore back is coming from his horse, his saddle, or just getting old.

We came to a hill and I asked my neighbor if he'd like to canter up the hill. I wanted to see how his horse cantered. He said that would be fine. The horse I was riding started cantering nicely up the hill, then a hand gallop, which was fine by me. At the top of the hill, I asked the horse to walk and instead, he went into a dead run.

I turned his head to circle him, and he turned his head all the way to my knee, but kept on running straight with his head cranked all the way to the side. So I stopped trying to turn him and just tried to stop him. There was no stopping him. He was flying in a flat out run across the Florida scrub land--very dangerous--full of holes and logs and underbrush and waist high oak and pine trees.

When I was 12, I got run off with and the horse stepped in a hole and flipped and I got badly hurt. I don't have much worry when a horse bucks or rears, but I really get scared when a horse is running and I can't stop him. I don't mind too much if the horse is running strong and I ask him to slow down and the horse says, "I heard you all right, but running is too much fun, and I don't want to slow down." Then I'm not scared.

It's when I pull on the reins and get no response at all, like pulling on a piece of iron. Then I get really scared, all those old panicky feelings come back.

I kept telling myself that I am perfectly capable of riding a galloping horse, and barring the horse having a fall, he can just keep running until he tires and I'll be fine. That horse ran about a mile before I could get him stopped, and as soon as I gave him a little rein, he took off running again. But this time I was able to turn him in smaller and smaller circles until he slowed . . . which I had to do a bunch of times. But finally I got him walking. I was completely lost, galloping a mile across open Florida scrub land, but after a long ride back, I found my companion.

Now, here is my question: when Wonder takes off with you, how do you feel? Does it scare you? How do you finally stop him? Will he turn if you turn his head? I am wondering if you are just annoyed (how I would feel if he had bucked or reared) or scared? Do you think about ways he could fall when he is running flat out? Or is your adrenalin coursing so strongly that all you can think about is . . . ? what?


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## gottatrot

Oh wow, @knightrider, that is super scary. I'm glad you didn't get hurt. I'm exactly the same way, and have had that same situation happen a few times. It's not the fast galloping, that I am fine with. Just like you. But not being able to direct around obstacles and over safe ground, that gives me the most massive adrenaline rush because I can imagine falling and flipping with the horse at that speed. Part of my fear is also imagining what would happen to the horse, and probably I would be unconscious and unable to help. And when a horse does not respond at all, and it's like pulling on iron, you know there will be no steering and no gathering up to safely get over a ditch, etc.

Twice I had that happen when I knew we were heading toward a very high logging road gate, and the landing on the other side would be slippery gravel. Both times I was able to stop before the gate. It didn't help me to know my friend also had a bolt down that hill and made the landing fine. I also absolutely hate bolting down a steep hill, that freaks me out. You can't get your weight in the stirrups because the horse keeps dropping. 

I'm actually kind of paranoid about not teaching horses that very bendy neck that some like CA do. I'm always focusing on making sure the horse follows the head with the hind end, no matter what angle I turn the head at or how tight the circle. It's just one of the worst feelings ever when the horse's neck turns, but he disconnects and doesn't follow it. You don't want a horse looking you in the face while running forward.
I have no problem with people teaching the one rein stop if they make the horse step over with the hind end. It's the disconnection I've experienced on some horses I find quite dangerous.


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## Knave

I think that when you are broke you work with what you can. When you talked about that I understood exactly what you meant. Then people come along and they think you aren’t where you should be and you aren’t following the steps they think you should. When you are seeking those people’s approval it becomes a very difficult thing.

My Bones fits that completely. I eventually got him to that point I wanted, and he was very good, only to find he couldn’t tolerate going to town to compete. Won’t ever happen. You do not get a pat on the back for these kinds of horses. The day I had him in town showing, people talked. A man who’s opinion I highly value said in the stands, “She just needs a different horse.” 

When someone does finally comprehend the difficulty you are working with, there still is not a pat on the back. Then they simple look down on why you continued on with this particular horse, because they don’t understand not having money. They don’t understand the luck even in owning the horse you do, who actually has the necessary talent.

I think I have been pushed to learn a lesson. I love Bones, but the horse after was Keno and he was terrible. Truly, I was almost suicidal in my need for approval riding him. I realized that I was riding Keno for all of the wrong reasons, and I let him go. I realized that I love Bones, I will always find a place for him, and anyone else with an opinion on him can go suck an egg. I needed to learn to ride for myself first. The horse I chose to replace Keno will never make a show horse. I bought him full well knowing that, but I also bought him with a need for something different.

On a different note, @knightrider the mare I rode for years was a terrible run away. Just like what happened to you. For some reason I felt irritated, maybe uncomfortable, but I wasn’t petrified. Moments when I knew I was nearing a ditch or bobwire or anything of that sort did bring up that true fear, but since in that particular moment it didn’t paralyze me.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- that is really scary, especially if the footing isnt trust worthy. That would worry me, Im very scared of horses going down. I'm REALLY glad to hear you are both fine and just got lost and clearly found your way back, that is scary. Good on your for handling it so well! My hat is off to you! I'm also glad you take on challenging horses and dont back off simply because they arent perfect and take more time.

It scares (not like I'm paniced or out of my mind with fear but deeply worried) me when Wonder takes off. I've been bolted off with and that doesnt scare me like he does. He's like a massive frake train, he blocks his mind from you and his body and just goes. You're a monkey passenger as you were. It's a disconcerted feeling. We dont have the space to just let him run and if he runs there is a spot that if he gets to would likely break his leg. Im also scared of ending up on the road and losing him, he could go a long time without stopping. He's also bolted and gone down before which results in a hoof injury he now has special shoes for until it grows out.
----
gottatrot- precisely what scares and worries me. I dont mind galloping but at a manageable gallop when if something happened, we could negotiate. I worry about the horse and what could happen. Where Im at, we just dont have to space to let him run it out. He's more of a distance runner, he could go a long time without wearing out. I wish we had something like your logging road to just let him go and get it out of his system. A gallop doesnt worry me but bad footing, obstacles, etc when they lose it concerns me a lot. And then I'm concerned, I would say paniced or scared but worried.

I've known qhs and arabs who rubber neck quite easily because they are so flexible in their bodies that they can have their neck all the way to a rider's boot and yet not cross their legs. I've always thought it is the crossing of the hind legs that benefits the rider. The purpose of why a one rein stop is supposed to work in the crossing of the hind legs. I appreciate you take on tricky horses too and can understand a difficult horse. A lot of people do not. I respect that.
----
knave- I relate a lot to what you have written with your horse Bones. Some horses just have a very special place in your heart and will do anything for you, so you go above and beyond for them. I think the "difficult" horses have a lot of heart and personality, they may be unconventional and other people just shake their head at your devotion to them or they shake their head at you because they think it's so easy or you exaggerate or just dont know what you're doing, etc. People dont always have to understand it but I totally agree with you. They can go suck an egg (I like that one, hadnt heard that). But I like your attitude, I like people who are reasonable but stick to their guns and stand for what they are passionate about. I respect that a lot.

Bones sounds really special!! But I agree. I think "poor" people tend to tolerate a lot more quirks and difficulties from a talented horse but I also think those people are the ones who can really ride. They usually arent as pretty of riders but they're effective. They're the people who can really ride and train and really feel and understand the horses they work with. I always have a lot of respect for people who take on the challenging horses and dont give up on them, just because the road might be longer and they might not receive the praise they hope for. Because you really dont with a tricky horse. More judgment than anything. 

I've heard that quite a bit from trainers throughout my time riding too, she just needs the right horse. I had a judge tell my trainer when I was 20 or 21yrs old that if I had the rider horse I could easily show PSG and be in national rankings. She said I had the talent to be an international rider but I was stupid and broke at that age and just let it slide. My trainer at the time was also a psycho narcissist who absolutely resented seeing her students succeed too much. She's still like that from what I've heard. 

Where I live I think people understand Wonder. I think they see why I put the energy I do into him. In the US people just didnt understand what I saw in Wonder. My trainer and the people I rode with did but not the people in the stable. They couldnt see the talent. They saw my other horse and thought she was so much nicer and she is much easier and a prettier, flashier mover but she doesnt have the talent for the GP. An international British trainer I rode with said of my two horses, when I asked his opinion. He said if you want to hear how great a rider you are, be praised and show PSG keep the mare but if you want to ride the GP keep the thoroughbred. There are a lot of extra steps in developing him but he's worth it. My trainer at home told me I had to keep Wonder and find a way to take him with me to Denmark because she said there was no way in he!l Id find someone who could ride him and if I did, he'd likely hurt someone and be put down and I needed to find a way to take him with me or have that on my conscience.
----

No time to write much. Will check on journals probably later. I fly out to the states tomorrow and have a lot I need to do. I was out with friends yesterday because I just need a break and to get out and break out of my sadness and head. Also helped a friend through some things which I like doing. If I cant help myself, I compulsively feel the need to help others.

Also some Miss Ranja, sadly no video of Wonder but Ranja's mom and her had a really good lesson and did really well together. I wont share their video publicly because I feel that is their personal stuff. I am so proud of them. Her mom's goal is to ride Wonder and Ranja is really good for preparing her. You have to ride Ranja, it's not for free but she is honest and a direct reflection of the rider which I like about her. She is a lovely mare to work with and ride and actually very sensitive. I didnt realize how sensitive until another rider sits on her. She also likes things to be fair, she WONT tolerate unfairness which I didnt realize either but I like that in her. She has opinions but she is very sensible and hard working.

Also in dressage we DO NOT just work in big, flashy paces all the time. We do a lot of adjustments within the trot. Those adjustments and training are what develop into half steps, piaffe and passage. It is not always about pushing big, flashy forward paces but that they can also start to collect and come back to a rider and work in movements. It all fits together and is quite tricky to explain. A lot of creating a trot is in the rider's timing and organization of aids within the gait. It's how we can organize and change a canter and trot. We can create more suspension and more step, it just takes time. Some horses have it more naturally than others. Again short on time but if interested I can write a full explanation later.





We jump some in this video. I think the jump is 70cm? or 2.3ft. I'm really proud I can still see a distance :lol: LONG time ago I used to school up to 1.10m 
https://youtu.be/VkU4QWlv7u8?t=49

Wonder and I did halt to canters and canters to halts yesterday. No issue with the upward and the downward comes in a step of walk but needs too much that turn on the forehand feeling to achieve atm. Will come but the canter transition from halt to canter is effortless. But also requires a lot of collected walk, so Wonder doesnt think short reins equal get up and go.


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## SueC

@knightrider, I'm glad you're OK!
@DanteDressageNerd, I hope you have a pleasant flight and a good time back in the US!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you Sue. Flew out fine. Still tired. Gotten quite a bit done but also have rested quite a lot. 

Note I am generalizing and not holding every American or Dane to the same, simply my observation in what I have seen

My parents have been very pleasant, my sister and I have not been getting along too well. She's very condescending because her life has been very smooth and things have gone her way. And seeing how arrogant and inexperienced in life she is made me really appreciate all the experiences I've had. Her bf was driving me nuts too. He kept trying to tell me about Europe from stuff he's read as though he knows it all and wouldn't listen when I shared EXPERIENCE over articles. He kept talking down to me, as if I was complete idiot and asked me if I had the mental capacity to handle cognitive science...I was like uh go f#ck yourself real hard with a blank, blankity, blank, blank, blank (I didnt say it, just thought it). And then people wonder why I'm used to fighting and sticking up for myself all the [email protected] time. It's a part of why I will NEVER EVER live by choice in the US again. I HATE the condescending egocentric attitudes of putting people down to feel superior. It's such a competitive based society and fail to be objective and see straight because it's all about self promotion and proving yourself better and more worthy than someone else. I HATE that mentality. In Denmark nobody is better than anyone else or superior, that is really ingrained into the society. People may have different skills and people are appreciated for their ability but it's like people see others as all having different skills and ability but not on a whole better or worse than anyone else. But in the US it's like they cant be gracious or have basic respect for others. Such a me, myself and I generation. Just always having to show they're better than everyone else and entitled to their superiority complex. So I'm just keeping distance from them. It's not just them, I've met so many people like that. So I keep distance. I've been other people's punching bag to feel better about themselves, I dont tolerate that BS anymore. 

Experience and how people know what they know matters to me because I am so used to people talking out of their @ss. My parents dont do that but I've met so many people like that in the US that I havent met in Denmark. Lots of really good people too, I dont hate Americans. Lots of good qualities but I get frustrated with the egocentrism and self righteousness of I have an opinion, so therefore I am right and know everything. It's such a competitive society, I notice a lot of people just cant be happy for other people and just bad mouth and belittle people they're jealous of and I'm like come on can't you just be gracious and happy for someone else's accomplishments? Maybe they arent perfect but can't you just appreciate the good they do? Or just say nice work? But people are so egocentric, they just cant genuinely feel happy for someone unless they feel superior to that person somehow. That I dont get and why I will always favor Denmark and the Nordics. People just have a different mentality. 

Anyways I am so happy for all the pain, suffering, having my life uprooted, my dreams smashed, having lost things through no fault of my own, and the humbling experiences that I've had. I know I would be arrogant if I didnt have all the hardships I have had. I am thankful for all the pain and suffering and things that didnt go my way regardless of how hard I worked, how smart I was in making decisions or anything else and having it all blow up in my face (this is over last few years, not just this last one). I've been humbled and I think made wiser for it. I think I have a lot more dimension and understanding from it. I'm not a black and white thinker, I see things in degrees and try to understand the individual situation rather than assume. I listen when people talk to me and Im open to the lesson they may provide. I try very hard to make people feel included and to never put them in a position that I see them as less then or anything else because I simply dont think that way. I think people are different, I think there are better people and worse people by their character, not for the petty bs.

I rode 3 horses yesterday. I rode a draft cross who is very very green. He's mostly used for driving but he does know how to soften to bit pressure, isnt super confident moving forward with a rider, etc. Then Antares (PRE) and Layla. I think the higher level and degree of collection that is wanted is too hard for her. True higher level work is hard, it's why when you watch a lot of local higher level riders the horse's really dont sit or collect to the degree they really need to. I also think it's part of why people focus on the "show off" paces, big paces, rather than working on the collection which isnt as flashy or showy but absolutely necessary for the movement and to improve the overall mechanics and quality of the trot. It's working in both, not just one or the other.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> Her bf was driving me nuts too. He kept trying to tell me about Europe from stuff he's read as though he knows it all and wouldn't listen when I shared EXPERIENCE over articles. He kept talking down to me, as if I was complete idiot and asked me if I had the mental capacity to handle cognitive science...


mg: ...what a prat! No wonder you blankity blanked. But you get this, especially as women - I remember I finished top graduate of my university degree, and a couple of men sneeringly said I wasn't actually intelligent, I was just workaholic, and if they'd spent as much time studying as me they would have beaten me. (This is not a given; and besides that, I think giving something your best effort is also a form of intelligence, which they were clearly lacking.) So there you go, and a lot of women experience that, and I wasn't even in America, although Australia is often called the 51st state of the USA...




> It's such a competitive based society and fail to be objective and see straight because it's all about self promotion and proving yourself better and more worthy than someone else. I HATE that mentality.


It's like that in Australia too. Of course, not everyone is like that, but compared to my experiences of Europe, both as a child and working there for a bit as a young adult, Australia is definitely the more materialistic society, and lacks cultural qualities like putting community over individuals - it's very me-first, and every election is run primarily on how much extra money Party A versus Party B will put in a person's wallet, and many people don't consider what sort of society they want to live in, social justice, environmental stewardship as important in the way they vote - it's just all about them, and their money.

Some people do, but unfortunately a minority here.

Philosopher Alain de Botton wrote an interesting book about this entire phenomenon called _Status Anxiety_. He also did a project called The Philosopher's Mail - how media might be, instead. It's now morphed into this page:

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/




> In Denmark nobody is better than anyone else or superior, that is really ingrained into the society. People may have different skills and people are appreciated for their ability but it's like people see others as all having different skills and ability but not on a whole better or worse than anyone else. But in the US it's like they cant be gracious or have basic respect for others. Such a me, myself and I generation. Just always having to show they're better than everyone else and entitled to their superiority complex. So I'm just keeping distance from them. It's not just them, I've met so many people like that.


I've never been to Scandinavia, but they tend to do very well on happiness surveys and social justice indicators. Finland especially - have you visited Finland? But, Scandinavia also has an underbelly; for instance, high rates of domestic violence and depression (although we have that too in Australia, but less social justice and overall happiness). Some authors write about that underbelly, e.g. Stieg Larsson (_The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo_ etc).

By the way, that description of your dynamics with your sister rather reminds me of how Anne was viewed by her sisters in _Persuasion_! 

And I think the thing you're talking about with lack of respect for actual knowledge and experience, and people talking out of their posterior orifices, is very much the case here in Australia compared to Europe - more people like this. I've often thought both Australia and the US are basically large floating islands with few actual neighbours - whereas in Europe you're surrounded by a bunch of small countries with their own languages and cultures, and you have to learn other languages from the time you are 10, and the average person learns two to three languages other than their own before they leave school, and actually go to other countries more.

There's a lot more anti-intellectualism in Australia and the USA than in Europe. I've not been to the US myself, but it's pretty clear from statistics, reports etc, and from what filters through to us here. People actually exist, in significant numbers, who look down on people who are informed and think things through - and that's cultural anathema in Germany, where thought and learning are culturally valued. Of course, some people in Germany are anti-intellectual as well - it's a proportion thing. When the proportions are low enough, it's not such a problem.




> Anyways I am so happy for all the pain, suffering, having my life uprooted, my dreams smashed, having lost things through no fault of my own, and the humbling experiences that I've had. I know I would be arrogant if I didnt have all the hardships I have had. I am thankful for all the pain and suffering and things that didnt go my way regardless of how hard I worked, how smart I was in making decisions or anything else and having it all blow up in my face (this is over last few years, not just this last one). I've been humbled and I think made wiser for it. I think I have a lot more dimension and understanding from it. I'm not a black and white thinker, I see things in degrees and try to understand the individual situation rather than assume. I listen when people talk to me and Im open to the lesson they may provide.


Every person I have known who has had painful struggles has said exactly that. It's not like any of us line up to suffer, but the flip side is that it does make you a more balanced and complete person to go through experiences like that. Not that I go looking for them, mind you! :rofl: I think life gives us enough of those.

It's nice to hear you are riding whatever continent you are on! Hope you have a good stay - at least the horses aren't so different country to country! ;-)


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## Knave

I thought about you yesterday. I had brought Cash back into the yard. I took him out for a bit, but he was kind of flopping around and I decided to have a little pretend dressage lesson.

We worked on transitions in the beginning. This is when I first thought about you. I was transitioning between trots, playing around with different styles and variations of the gate. I remembered you talking about the difficulty of doing that well. 

When Cash began transitioning well I figured we needed to do something different. I decided to play with the music my phone was blaring. Cash and I both enjoy the music, and I asked him to dance along. We were not amazing, but we did all right and it was enjoyable. He was shortening his trot to match the beat, adding speed into short steps and curled into collection. 

This is when I thought about you again. I thought about how you said that people who ride difficult horses might not ride as pretty, but can ride with a lot of feel and are good at bringing out the positives in the horses. I thought about how I looked in the moment. Cash looked good; I could feel that. I did not.

I felt like maybe I was hunched a bit awkwardly, and even a bit off balanced intentionally. My intentional ‘off balance’ was, in the moment, giving Cash a helping hand. It was a form of feel I could not explain.

Because of what you said, for the first time I really considered what was happening. I have been criticized for how I look when I am teaching something to a horse. Now, I know how to sit pretty when I show, but I always found this criticism of my practice to be annoying. Paying more attention to it I realized the criticism bothered me because I am intentional with my “Ugly” appearance. The placement of my body and posture is a tool I use. Am I a bit off centered asking a horse to come under me? 

I think I use my body language as a feel, and I am asking a young horse to find it. Just the tiniest bit wrong asks him for the correction, or he can feel the confidence in another moment. I was insulted by the criticism because if I were to change it for another’s pleasure I would be throwing away what is in my esteem my greatest tool. However, it does make my riding lack “pretty.”


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- I agree entirely. I think we've all dealt with that plenty in our lives. There is STILL misogyny. I can ENTIRELY see men with a hurt ego being passive-aggressive or outright rude to a woman who out performed them. Some men are so sensitive to that sort of a thing. A lot of men are good but as a woman, I think we still have to be careful as women in our behavior, mannerisms and how we conduct ourselves to be seen as complete multidimensional human beings. In the Marines I used to warn women to be very disciplined in their bodies because most boys arent smart enough to separate the physical from the rest. And once they're seen as a physical object, being once again seen as a complete person will be a challenge and that they needed to be aware of that. NOT ALL men are mature or able to be adults about it but as women we have to be extra aware and mindful. Should it be that way? Ideally, no but it's how it is and we have to work within the rules of reality and not an ideological world we wish we had.

My sister's bf has in his way apologized, sometimes I have to remember he has aspergers too and men with aspergers, it shows a lot stronger symptoms typically than with women. And not to take it personally. We've had a lot of good conversations since then and he has not spoken down to me. He's been respectful, as I have with him. Sister and I have made peace, I think sometimes being gone you have to re-establish yourself. But it is a bit of the dynamic with Miss Anne. 

I also find in the US people think people with emotion and who show vulnerability in that way are weak. I do not think stoicism is strength. I think it is weakness to not be self aware and to repress genuine feelings without ability to express them and be honest about feelings. Feelings should never be in charge but I think we need to be aware of them.

Status anxiety sounds interesting. And I think it is deeply ingrained in the US and from what you say Australia too. I dont get it, it's like a deep need to be perceived and believed to be better than everyone else. It's such a competitive, material based culture. 

I cant speak for Europe, my experience is mostly in Scandinavia which I find people are quite down to earth. Talking out one's @ss is absolutely considered bad behavior. I think it is more of a "small town" mentality where people know each other, so reputation and behavior is noticed and it follows you. It's smaller and has less population. I think as you said people are also exposed to a variety of cultures and ideas and need to be adaptable and able to discuss without automatically reverting to you disagree with me or challenge me, so therefore you are stupid and I hate you. That mentality is very anti-intellectual and I avoid it. I also think the US education system is largely repeat and regurgitate. Memorize what we tell you to and dont think too much about it. Vs in Denmark education requires actual thought and interpretation. Testing is not based strictly on standardized tests but also on oral presentations and a student displaying they have actual knowledge of the subject. Not just memorized what the teacher told them to. 

I have not been able to visit Finland yet, I have a good friend there I want to visit but atm it has not been a good time. So we will see when I am able to visit. 

Very true horses tend to be the same country to country, just different breeds and experiences. 

I have been wondering a lot why certain people like yourself and I go through these in some ways outlandish experiences with such special kinds of @ss holes. I really wonder why some of us encounter these people and others dont. I will say I dont believe in karma hardly at all because the worst people I know tend to get everything they want and the best experience all kinds of hardships. I dont think their is order or fairness to this. My only theory is perhaps we send out some kind of energy or vibration that attracts these @ss holes to us. 

I know I have quite a few men interested in me but I am NOT at all interested in them and I will never have interest in them. I know they are good guys but I have no desire to be with any of them. No emotional, physical or intellectual attraction. I seldom feel any kind of pull towards anyone, so I wonder why I feel a pull or connection with sociopaths and psychopaths. Discussing more of Miguel's behavior with my sister and her bf, there is no doubt in my mind he is a sociopath or has antisocial personality disorder. He will never be capable of a genuine relationship and will never experience fulfillment or satisfaction. He'll always be hungry. He's broken beyond repair and will never heal. And he's arrogant enough to believe he can get away with it. My sister and her bf are highly educated, bf has an IQ of 186 and is brilliant in computer science and almost had a degree in psychology before switching. I saw a meme that said "you're an attractive woman, you attract everyone but you choose f*ck boys." That hit home. 
________

knave- That's fabulous! And I agree, sometimes training and teaching a horse something it is ugly. Actually a lot of the time it is and it gets annoying when inexperienced people criticize about something they simply dont understand. I think inexperienced people just see the flaws and can't see the process or keep in mind what is being worked on. They just see what they see and expect training to be perfect and dont get that training goes in phases. To me I'd rather sacrifice "conventions" to educate the horse and get an effective result, then focus on looking pretty and have a horse going less than it could go. I'd rather address the issues, rather than allow it to go so the surface looks good. 

But I agree with you the criticism is silly and sometimes obnoxious and usually from an inexperienced person. It's why I dont especially like criticism from people who simply dont know what they're talking about. I dont mind suggestions of "have you tried this" or "did you think of this" and ideas of how to fix the problem but people being like well it shouldnt be like that or acting like they have all the solutions when they have hardly any experience annoys me because it's lack of respect. So I entirely get it. I think people have this idea in their head of how things are supposed to go based on their experience but not a real clue of how it actually goes. I think people like us who have more experience with a variety of horses, we're more flexible as riders and adjust our training to fit the horse rather than our philosophy and ideology to appease others. For example Wonder rears, that's part of him. He is a rearer, it's not a fear reaction. It's a hey I dont want to release that control to you thing. He's very balanced, so it doesnt scare me and people go oh you need to train that out of him (not the Danes) and Im like okay how do you suggest I do that? Most of the time it's from people who couldn't even post Wonder's trot. They might ride 2nd or 3rd level dressage but that's still low level, 3rd is mid level but they've never sat on anything close to Wonder and presume to have the answers on how to train him. Always wish I could sit them on Wonder and watch them not be able to steer or manage him at trot or canter. Truthfully don think they could post his trot. Oh yeah what were you telling me about how if he just does long and low all the time he'll be more ridable? Oh jeeze he doesnt respect you at all and if off in Wonder land? Totally locked against you? Wow Im such an idiot, if only I had your "special" touch and ways of approach :lol:

I think people with limited experience think they know much more than they think they do and arent flexible in their thinking or ability to understand beyond their experience. Sometimes you have to "break" the conventional rules or stop following the textbook to do what you need to do for the horse and the education and the process. I think a lot of people are amateur without the experience level they think they have and a total lack of respect and understanding for people with experience. So they judge assuming they know more than they actually do. 

---

I think a lot of low level dressage riders simply dont understand how much is asked from a horse when you make that switch to higher level work and how much it asks the horse to release itself to the rider. A lot of horse's are not comfortable with that. It's also why for example half steps and half pass are so important to a horse like Wonder. It's asking him to release his mind and body to the rider and LISTEN. It isnt about doing movements, it's about asking him to accept a rider and LISTEN.

Yesterday I rode 4 horses. A saddlebred, morgan, PRE and a wb. The WB we worked a bit on developing passage. The saddlebred was super behind the leg and sullies up into the rider when pressed to go forward. The morgan was lovely and the PRE was testy. I LOVE riding a variety of horses because it makes a rider very flexible and a problem solver. Ride a variety of horses with a variety of experiences and not just dressage trained or discipline specific trained and as a rider you really have to listen to the horse and what they know and adjust yourself. Some you can feel they dont have the strength to do collected work or you can feel certain discomforts in their bodies or struggles. One we worked on developing passage and that really helped her understand how to sit and use her hocks and shoulders much better. Some horses it's much easier to develop on then others. Half steps for example are WAY easier to teach on a PRE or wb (usually) than a tb or "off" breed.

I really miss Wonder. He is really hard to ride and train but he is so rewarding and a pleasure to work with. He loves what he does. You can feel it whenever you pick up the reins. I cant say that about a lot of horses but Wonder you can feel it. Gather the reins atm in the walk he gets tense because he's excited that he's going to do something. He's not a worried horse. He's an intense horse and he's so so so unearthly strong. Honestly I've used quite a bit of saddleseat type techniques to get him to back off the bridle. The problem is he's so strong off his hind end and in his body that he takes so much more to organize and to keep him working into the bridle but also backing him off the bridle. It's hard to explain and yes you do use bridle along with seat, the goal is to not need bridle hardly at all beyond a neutral connection but it is very hard to get there and takes a long time. It's a lot of suppling as well, he is not naturally supple. You cannot hold Wonder but you cannot float the reins on him. You need to keep him with you and cannot have simple rider mistakes like he cannot be allowed to set the rhythm and he cannot be allowed to go out through his shoulders or the rider loses control, he stops respecting seat and hand aids and runs his own show without breaks.


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## Knave

I really know nothing of dressage. I like to watch it, and I have this book of exercises I bought on a whim. I really like the book. I started it with a horse called General. It was his cup of tea, and our reining and cutting improved dramatically.

With Bones I used the book, not strictly to improve my cowhorse, but because it helped his mind to be learning something new consistently. It seems to have become a tool I enjoy using. I am surprised Cash seems to be picking up the exercises. He is like General; everything is improving and he seems to enjoy the exercises. 

You are the only person I know who actually does dressage. It is very interesting for me to read the things you write, because I seem to be on an island with my thoughts regarding the exercises and training.

My husband is pressing me on that “ride other horses” concept. I know I improve when I ride different horses, and I often have had several horses to work, but lately it seems that I get wrapped up into one horse. I forget how important that is. 

There is one horse we own that I seem to have a communication gap with. Or so I thought I guess. She is Lucy. Athletic and beautiful and a pleasure to watch but not for me to ride. She wasn’t born to be a cowhorse, but to live in your world. She moves excessively up and down, which is beautiful and makes me giggle when I ride her.

However, we simply could not see eye to eye. It seemed we both irritated one another. My husband said we needed to saddle opposite horses. He didn’t want me to pull Bones, or one of the others I am comfortable with out, but he wanted me to ride Lucy and him Cash.

I wondered if he’s actually hung up on Cash, but I went along with the idea because I was in a terrible mood. I was aware of my awful mood, and so I was trying to be outwardly agreeable. Of course, riding the mare seemed the worst possible thing for my bad attitude. I didn’t want to ride her. She irritates me.

Anyways, out we went and I got into the same argument I always got into with Lucy. I said to lope and she over-gathered after flinging her head. She dropped it down so low she tripped a bit, and my bad attitude had enough of this stupid argument of where to put her head. I knew better than to lose my temper, but I did none the less.

I swore at her. Translated to “I am sick of your bad attitude. I will not play this game anymore.” I kicked her forward hard several times and picked up her face simultaneously. It was the wrong thing to do in my mind, but I was lost about this argument. Shocking me, she stopped arguing. She did what I asked. She wasn’t upset even, but rather seemed happy with herself.

Suddenly I had no more issues with Lucy. Her response wasn’t right in my mind. My husband said that was why I needed to ride her when I was the one so tight. He said I needed to lose my temper and that was the only way he saw it happening. Does he really read all of us that well? I don’t know. Maybe he simply got lucky and put the dots together after it was over. Taking a win... or maybe he really did have that all planned when he saw I was walking a line of barely holding myself together.

On the ride home he reminded me that we need to ride other horses. The idea was conflicting for me. We do not need to become static; we need to continue to improve ourselves. Different horses teach us different things, and different riders allows a horse the same type of improvement. The idea still conflicts me though. I think it’s my selfishness that struggles.


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## gottatrot

> @Dantedressagenerd: I think people have this idea in their head of how things are supposed to go based on their experience but not a real clue of how it actually goes.


Yes, I was laughing about people telling you to train Wonder not to rear, but without being able to tell you how to do that. 

A couple weeks ago I brought Hero to the barn across the street, and apparently some people saw him acting up because they told my friend how to stop him from kicking. They said to put kick chains on him. If you can imagine...riding a horse with kick chains? But the addendum was that even though this was suggested, the mare they had tried it on had not been cured of kicking.
@Knave, I liked all your thoughts about riding different horses and the same horses. It seems to me that it is important to ride different horses, but also it is important to ride the same horses over a long period of time, working more deeply. 

I've seen that people who ride a lot of different horses constantly, but never ride one horse consistently can lose out on knowing how to follow through and really change a horse over time. They can think certain things work, but don't stick with it long enough to discover that in the long run it doesn't stay with the horse, and that other things are needed.
But also people who only ride one horse don't get the depth of experience that can help figure out many different kinds of horses.

It's very interesting to see what things are horse related, what things are training related, and what are both. I remember when I wanted a western trained horse to gallop, but whenever I got off his back he'd slow down. He thought forward seat or two point meant I was going to leap off and grab a cow or something.


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## Dragoon

Just wondering Knave, do you have a favorite pair of jeans or a jacket? I do, and dislike wearing the others in my closet...it's the same way with my favorite coffee cup, and pencil, etc. I have favorites in everything!

I'm the same way with horses, I almost dislike riding strange horses, so much do I keep comparing their responses to my own pony. This isn't my Mouse, a voice keeps whispering...but I do eventually learn the feel of another horse, and get to enjoy them too! Its hard, I know. 
But your comment makes me wonder if this is a selfish trait? Maybe...I live alone, so don't have to share. I know I'd never offer a guest my coffee cup, there are plenty of other ones on the shelf!

On the other hand, I'm always happy to offer kids a ride on my pony, because I think he's a priceless gift to the world, and everyone should love him! The joy and beauty of Mouse!


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## Knave

I agree completely @gottatrot. A combination of both is really beneficial. I’ve seen people who only ride colts doing things that will not benefit the old horse, so I know what you mean.
@Dragoon I do have a favorite coffee cup and a favorite pencil! My favorite coffee cup has tinker bell on it.  

I don’t think it is selfish for other people to feel that way. I guess I was calling myself selfish because I know my own heart. I just had to give Bones up to the girls and it was hard for me. It was hard because I absolutely love him and because I put so much time into him to make him so nice (well, you know, nice for his job here).

Now I have replaced him as my main horse with Cash. I am finally getting to the point that I really like Cash. He has stopped falling and we are actually progressing. It is still hard to be back to a colt, but he really likes me, and I am feeling the same way.

When I watched my husband ride him that day, and actually ride him not just trade for a second, I was kind of jealous and a bit judgmental embarrassingly enough. Don’t get me wrong, he is good on Cash, better than I am. However my head was nitpicking, and I still do not really like Lucy! 

He just called and said we are working tomorrow. He said he wants to take Cash and have me take Lucy. It is because I am selfish I am feeling like I don’t want to!


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## knightrider

I know that riding other horses really does improve your riding. But I have a beef about insisting that people ride other horses because when you ride just one horse, and spend a whole lot of time with that horse, something kind of metaphysical happens. You sort of become one with that horse. You know what he is thinking and he knows what you are thinking. It's a really special bond, and you'll never get it by riding lots of horses. Some people need that special bond and some don't care and are perfectly happy never knowing that it even exists.

I am loving this discussion. I am so happy that all of you are on this forum!


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## whisperbaby22

I'm in the camp of having one horse for a long time. I have actually ridden few horses in my lifetime, not the hundreds that some people have. Being a trail rider, I think that is an advantage. You really have to know your horses out on the trail. 

Where I live now, I am surrounded by city so I have to be aware that if my horse gets loose he may cross a busy street. Most of the other horses on the trail are stallions. I have to be aware of what is going on with them, that sort of stuff. Yes, I can see the advantage of riding a lot of horses, but that was never my plan with horses.


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## Knave

I love this conversation too @knightrider. I don’t know though if @DanteDressageNerd likes or dislikes conversations in her journal. I am pretty new to this journal, although I do think I followed it a couple years ago, before I left and later came back. I hope you do not mind! 

I decided to ride Cash tomorrow. I don’t want to be stuck on Lucy all day. I think I do need what you talked about knightrider. I like having this intense relationship with a single horse. At the same time though, I do think it would benefit my training ability to ride other horses more often. However, I’m not sure how much I could handle sharing Cash at this point. 
@whisperbaby22 I fully respect your sentiment. I’m just at this crossroads of not quite knowing my goals. I know that today, right now, I just want to get Cash going really good for work. That is enough for today. Cash is most likely incapable of being a show horse, but he is made to be just what I need in that friendship and working partner. 

I don’t know if I want more than that. I don’t know if I want to show and try and make really nice horses for that avenue. Don’t get me wrong, all of our horses we try and make capable of showing, but I don’t know if I actually want to pursue showing. 

I have no idea how I feel. I like the environment of showing. I like the feeling of ‘showing off’ a horse and the attention of doing well. Yet, I am happy just being a cowboy too. I enjoy doing a job on a horse in pretty country.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I'm happy people are enjoying conversation on my journal. I do not mind. Im glad everyone is enjoying and discussing and thinking. Im glad this is a space where people feel free to share their thoughts, I really appreciate that. I like having other thoughts and ideas, it's how we grow. 

I'll respond properly later. Been quite busy, lots of socialization and still hung over...I drank 2 bottles of wine with friends. My friends are in their 40s, 50s, and 60s so it was a really nice time, lots of stories, discussions and talks. Also spent time with my trainer from here, we talked about Wonder and her horses. 

Mused over the ways of Wonder. She rode him 3wks while I was in Denmark last year. She gets along with him, I think because her background is originally jumping than she has shown to GP dressage, produced multiple horses to FEI levels, etc, etc. She enjoyed working with Wonder because he's so smart and intense to ride.

Then I taught a lesson and rode a little bit, trying to help her reach the next step in her riding and develop collection and help her get a bit of the half steps and passagey trot. Had to think what I could teach in a lesson that would be most critical. She did great! I said dont always work on collection but she needs to develop these muscles, so you can gradually ask for more and more. I said take your time with her because she's so long in the back and has a weak hind end. She's not built for it, so if you press and push too hard on it. It will over stress her hind end and make her lame. But work on it, so she can develop the musculature to support herself. She needs to change her posture and start carrying more behind and working in collection. She needs to carry herself more like a 3rd level horse, not a 2nd level horse. She's solid 2nd, developing 3rd.

And yes I agree. I also find it amusing how people criticize without a real clue of how to fix it.

Short: I think it's important to ride a variety of horses and types but also have a horse to develop over time and see how our faults and values influence over time. And thinking about the development of a horse and what you want to teach and how to do it.

I will ride pretty much anything, few exceptions but I'll try most horses. I love riding a variety. I also love problem children. I would be painfully bored with a horse that is too straight forward and easy. It is a real treat and I like having a straight forward horse to reaffirm to me I know what Im doing but then I love having a horse a like Wonder who teaches me SO SO SO much. Lots of problem solving and unconventional ways of doing things. Wonder has his own mind and I love him for it.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Alright proper response. Been a bit low past few days, I think too much socialization. I'm overwhelmed. I can do well and I do socialite type parties well but then other kinds Im just wiped out. I really value my friends, they are AMAZING, really good people who I know I can rely on through anything and I feel SO fortunate to have them and I hope they feel the same towards me because I try to give back as much as I can too.

knave- I really get why a lot of people are not into dressage, I do not think it is for everyone or every horse. I think the basics are beneficial to almost anyone and their horse but moving up the levels I think it physically very demanding for both horse and rider. It is really hard on the horse and honestly requires a very strong rider as well. Have to be strong but not in a holding way but in a way to keep the body more quiet but still moving. 

I think everyone has certain horses they get along with and certain ones they dont. Even Mary King (top event rider in the UK) has given up a rider on a horse because it was not a good match. Even top riders have horses that dont suit them but I think riding a variety of horses of varying extremes that offer challenges greatly increase the range of what a rider can get along with. 

I think it's good you're riding another type, even if you dont get along. It's good as you also have a horse to enjoy all the time. 
---
gottatrot- me too lol. I honestly have little patience for people without the experience and knowledge saying how a horse "should" be without a clue of how to "fix" it. I roll my eyes hard when people say things like oh just drop the reins and lower the pressure and he'll be good. They dont understand Wonder at all. He doesnt change if I put other riders on him, if I put other dressage riders on him he's usually worse and if I put jumpers on him he is manageable but tries all the same stuff with them, he does with me. If I put a beginner rider on him, I cant let them trot. I tried that they fell off and even with me handling Wonder and trotting next to asking for a jog, he doesnt back off or "chill" and he will try to push me over to go past me. I cannot hold him back for very long. He will tolerate a jog trot a little if I work in hand on it a lot but then he goes Ive had enough and goes. He doesnt back off from pressure naturally, I've had to train that in him. He pushes into pressure and he knows the line, he always tests it for every rider I sit on him that does more than walk in an arena. He is smart. That intensity and that power doesnt just leave, he doesnt adjust himself for a beginner. If I put a rider on him who doesnt have the strength or timing, he gets spooky, bolts and then they lose steering and brakes. Then I have to work on that and him testing for a little while. I've put experienced riders on him who are used to big warmblood suspension trot who cant post his working trot. They arent bad riders at all, they're good riders but Wonder is his own horse.

He's one you cant let get away with little details or he over rides the rider and takes over. I think in the US people expect horses to be super broke without accepting the horse has a mind of his own. I've met several people (not trainers) who think horse's dont have a mind of their own and it's all training and riding that gets the obedience and docile temperament. Training, ground work, in hand work, having the experience/know how all helps a lot but a lot of people, especially adult amateurs who have never really had experience with a truly difficult horse (they always think they have or their trainer dealt with one or two) and most of the times that definition isnt what me or say gottatrot would call difficult. It's something we could get on and not have any problems or could fix pretty quickly. Then we have horses like yours or mine and they just operate a little differently and need their own special person.

Also had discussions with non dressage people about not every horse needs to be a dressage horse and not every dressage horse needs to be ridden higher level. Some horses cant handle the expectation. I rode two that I said I just dont think they'd be able to handle true collection, unless the owner was willing to fix the saddles, inject the SI, hocks, and hind end. And spend that kind of money to maintain. I said that is the reality. True collected work is REALLY hard on the horse and I said I dont think it's fair to ask, unless it's a horse that wants to do it and the owner is willing to spend the money on maintenance which includes regular massage, etc. Higher level dressage is hard. I think at the low levels, to about 2nd level there is a benefit to the horse but after that I think it becomes increasingly taxing. 

I really dont care what discipline someone does or what they do with their horse, as long as they're both and happy. Not every horse or rider has to do the same thing. 
---
Sorry Im not replying to all. I have been really busy and overwhelmed by so much socialization. I feel REALLY blessed to have so many close friends and a good family. Friends I've had over 11yrs, people who have seen me through so many mile stones and knew me while through all the bad relationships and the Marines and all the horse stuff and knew my event horse, etc.

Also talked a lot with my trainer here. She has students now one going for their bronze, another for their silver and another for her gold. Super exciting. I loved seeing all the progress of my friends. The one going for her silver is a good friend of mine too. She already has her 4th level scores, just needs them for the PSG. The horse she's riding is REALLY hard to get those scores at for that level, so I'm really impressed by how well she is doing. And I like talking to her because we can understand each other and different riding/training struggles that come along that other people dont get. I just like being heard and understood and I like offering that to someone else. 

Talked about Wonder with my former trainer because she knows him, rode him for 3wks and with the tension and getting more consistency and different things he does and I struggle with. She said a lot of it is just going to take time with him. Some things you just arent going to train out of him and have to accept that is who he is. Be patient. We talked about another tb who isnt easy to ride and not talented, she said with a few other people the difference is Wonder is very talented and Cassandra is willing to work through all his difficulty because of that talent. This tb isnt as difficult as Wonder but he doesnt have any talent, so who can you market a not especially AA friendly type ride, untalented horse to? 

Also talked about the different expectations of US judges have vs Danish judges. 

The degree of collection and the expectation of brilliance and expression is much more in Denmark. A Danish judge wants to see collection and a lifted shoulder at an earlier point than in the US. The US judges look more for consistency, harmony and a horse that looks easy or AA friendly. It's hard to explain. There is also more pressure from what I understand because Denmark is such a small country, you go out once you need to have it all together because those judges will remember you and they will talk. 

I've been looking a lot at rescues and reading animals stories, it really breaks my heart and disgusts me how people can mistreat animals to such an extent. I wont go on about that but it angers me.

Have had to talk about Miguel quite a bit and how to take from that experience and not repeat it again. Im still angry, I want to not care anymore. I resent that I fell for the lies and didnt see the red flags. I see them now but it was so easy to write it off as something else. I'm learning to trust myself more and stand for who I am and what I represent, I am growing closer to my friends and accepting I dont have to be happy. Im not really looking atm, I dont really want to deal with a relationship again for a while. It's too emotionally draining and I need to be focused on me. I also need to figure out how to manage my illness better. It's hard. I also know I absolutely cannot be with an insecure man, I cant be with a weak man. I think it threatened some exs ego because at socialite parties I was charming, funny and people were drawn to me. They liked me and I can really turn it on for parties, even when Im deeply depressed. 

Another thing a friend told me is maybe good people go through so much hardship to grow strong and show the people who aren't as strong that they can do it too. Being strong isnt a choice and it isnt the people who are in your face telling you they're strong that are really strong. It's the people who are able to show vulnerability and come through hardship without losing their sense of self or losing compassion. Just because life is unfair and sometimes cruel, doesnt mean you give up or throw in the towel or lose yourself. The weak become cruel and selfish. The strong maintain their compassion and grow in wisdom and understanding. Every time we encounter hardship, we have a choice of who we're going to be. Are we going to take the path that leads to growth or the path that leads to self preservation? Usually sociopaths are born because when they encounter trauma they choose the path of self preservation and dont have the emotional strength to cope with the pain, so they shut it off and shut it down so they dont feel anymore and then they feel no guilt or remorse for the things they do. I am the opposite.


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## SueC

It's a sunny day at last and I'm about to go riding, but just had to pop in and catch up a little!  Great photos - haha, a kangaroo not in Australia! I'm enjoying the discussions and reflections, but have trouble keeping up with everyone I want to - slow reader - and I don't "like" a post until I've read it, so unliked posts from my side are usually just unread posts (since I only don't like posts if I really disagree with main points and / or someone is being disingenuous...)

Have a lovely time!  I find small groups, like people over for lunch, just the right size - large gatherings can give me the heebiejeebies, unless it's a concert with picnic blankets or nice stuff like that, not just a horde without an organised activity...


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## DanteDressageNerd

Sue- Enjoy your ride! I hope it was a great experience! And thank you, I love the roo. His name is Hambi and he was bottle raised. It's okay I dont expect to be anyone's "focus." A lot of it I do to reflect and think on things. If it matters to someone it does and if not, oh well. 

I can relate. I like parties and I like groups, I like entertaining and being a comedian type but it gets overwhelming when it is too much. I can be the life of the party and be that "socialable" but it wipes me out. I enjoy it but it takes a lot of energy.

It took 29 hours but I made it home to Denmark. Wonder has had over two weeks off. He's been out in the field making friends. I had updates while I was away. I guess he has a girlfriend :lol:

I feel really lucky to have the amazing group of friends I do. I have some really amazing people in my life. Most of my friends are over 40, some are around my age. I really respect and admire quite a few because they're experienced and wise. When I talk they understand what Im saying and know more than I do, so a lot of the times I listen and learn from their insight.

I also love talking to my trainer about Wonder and ideas with him because she knows and has ridden him, she know exactly how he is. Plus she knows "special" horses really well, she's ridden a lot. So quite helpful because she gets it. I LOVE hearing ideas and suggestions but I get annoyed when people dont understand the situation or horse and just think Im an idiot who doesnt know what Im doing. I dont experience that in Denmark because people know Wonder and they know me but that's kinda how it is when you have an unconventional horse. Talked to my trainer too and she said well that's how it is with a horse like Wonder. She's really good at making horses AA friendly and has also produced multiple horses to FEI levels, as well as produce students for their bronze, silver and gold medals. So she knows her sh!t. But as she said, people have an opinion so they assume they're right. Especially when they dont have a clue what they're talking about. I entirely agree. She's helped me alot with Mr Wonder. She agreed with my approach but had some ideas to try. If I want help in life, I also ask a friend who is a member on the national team and shows PSG-I1. Goal is to get the trainer I like to come teach us but it is 100usd per lesson and I need to find a competent saddle fitter to fix Wonder's saddle or sell it in the UK and find something that sort of fits but I can lift off his back. 

Also spoke to another friend whose quite experienced and whose opinions I respect a lot. She has a really good eye, she's shown 3rd, schooled 4th on a horse she made. Not an easy horse. Was in national rankings at 2nd, has her "L" judge and has worked with quite a special horse. She also dealt with a lot of different neurological, lameness and different kinds of issues, so has a great skill set in rehab. I've asked for her help with Wonder as well. Im hoping she can come to Denmark sometime and try Wonder. She said she might not be able to ride him more than once because she thinks he'll pull her back out. I said he might. I like her insight and ideas. She has a good eye and can actually see what's going on, I rarely have to describe too much to her. And helpful feedback.

I dont care if people dont have a lot of experience and are learning, I will absolutely celebrate that person and love seeing their improvement and happiness. But I do get annoyed by people who only have experience with maybe a handful to a dozen horses or only one type of horse and think they know how to train every horse and that if a horse doesnt behave perfectly or is difficult, it's because the person didnt treat the horse right or do all the right things and Im like horses are NOT machines. I think most horses yes, they are a symptom of their environment and handling but I'll say get on some horses with a mind of their own and are truly a challenge and I think it's a very humbling experience. Where you realize "we" the riders and handlers are not God and cant make a horse into something they're not. We can make a situation or behavior better but we can't make every horse a broke, trail-safe, AA friendly type horse either. 

That is why I respect people with experience so much regardless of discipline. I think you can learn a lot from different disciplines, it’s why I’ve worked for a natural horsemanship and carriage driving and saddle seat trainer, I’ve worked with eventing, hunter-jumper/equitation trainers and jumpers, as well as dressage. I’ve tried reining, barrel racing and done a lot of trail. People who are horseman and have worked with a huge variety of horses because they understand horses and dont have this "idealized" fantasy of how training and developing horses goes. I think sometimes discipline specific trainers get to fixated on their system and then end up having horses that fall through the cracks because that horse doesn’t fit their system.

Some riding in the US, I am not allowed to share video. I respect that. The grey is a PRE, he is not a big dressage fan. I am proud that I can see a difference when I ride him vs other people. I can get a lot more expression and uphill movement but he will have a different career. The bay is a semi-retired former competition horse who schooled 4th level. She is now in light work. She's about 17.1-2h. I rode 6 different horses while in the US. Always a joy and getting some lessons in.

Wonder had two weeks off in the field, I can say taking him back to work he is all border collie to work with. I tried doing basic work to get back in and he was like working trot, you must want a HUGE extended trot because bigger is better right? Did not want to stay with my seat and half halt, he was just so excited to be back to work. And I was like come back to me, take a breath and even in walk he was just like we are gonna do something. Touch the reins at all and he was like yay LETS GO. Cracks me up. We were laughing about how we dont know a horse that loves to work as much as Wonder. I tried to ride him more like I'd ride other horses and that was a terrible idea. He needs to be more submissive, if I ride him like I would other horses he just tanks through all my aids and then he locks himself against you. 

There is no such thing as just getting on and playing around with Wonder or just keeping it light and easy, he gets really tense and explosive but get his brain busy and ask him to think then he calms down.


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## DanteDressageNerd

A friend of mine is in an abusive relationship and he's cheated and all that. I encouraged her to leave but she will not :-( she is NOT a dumb girl but I think she is conditioned to think this normal from her upbringing. And it made me think of a note I wish I could tell women because it breaks my heart. She's beautiful, smart and kind hearted. 

You dont have to stay, you can walk out that door. I know it's hard. I know it'll suck and you'll feel all alone, even when youre surrounded by friends and loved ones. You will feel like you are losing your world. And he will say HORRIBLE things about you that arent true, he'll make things up to demonize you and make him look like a hero. Dont be afraid, it'll pass. Just be patient and have faith in yourself.

You will cry in the shower and cry until you cant breathe and even throw up. You will hurt and feel an unGodly amount of pain but it'll be worth it. Maybe you'll be alone for a long time and maybe you wont be happy for a long time but I promise it is better than having your heart ripped out over and over again, as they let you down, disappoint you and hurt you. They DONT change and each time you forgive them and let them back in their treatment and respect of you will go lower and lower. A man who loves and values you wont cheat even once. A man who cares about your feelings and well being wont entertain another woman or put himself in a position to cheat. He doesnt love you. I know he's promising you the world right now but it wont last. You caught him, he want to stay and will say whatever he thinks will make you stay. He is kissing your @ss because he doesnt want you to leave but he wont change, he might want to but he wont. 

I know you're blaming yourself. I know you're asking why wasnt I enough? Why did he do this to me? Am I not beautiful? Didnt I do everything I could for him, why was I so blind? I loved him so much, this seems so cruel. And it is. I still ask why I wasnt enough and it doesnt matter how much I rationalize it or logically how I know the problem is in him and not me. He even told me that, it wasnt anything I did. He told me you were perfect, I just had desires, I was weak and I acted on them. He said I didnt feel like I was enough for you and that I was so young and beautiful, I could do better, etc. And how much is BS and what is true, I will never. Sweet talkers are often liars. They're not just sweet, they're players.

And sometimes the worst thing is that you dont just stop loving them. You even miss them, you miss the good times and what you thought you had. You miss the happiness and joy but then you remember it was all a facade an act and every I love you was a lie. The illusion of happiness seemed so promising and yet it was false. You wonder how could a lie seem so genuine, so real? I thought I knew better. And you dont. You cant always tell because when people have something to hide, they're going to be [email protected] good at it.

*end note* more for my reflection. If it adds something to someone good, if not whatever.

The thing that really made me leave my ex was that I didnt want him to be the father of my children. I knew he might change for a little while but whether it be months or years, he'd be at it again. Men like that dont change. I also knew if we had kids, I'd be stuck and have a harder time getting away. Plus with what he had done to me. I couldnt stay. The illusion of happiness had gone away and I knew with what he had done and discovering the truth of his nature and the extent of deception that I could never be happy or trusting again. I'd be a basket case of anxiety and justified paranoia. There was not trust and it would never come back. Like seriously how does a man look into the woman he supposedly "loves" eyes after she shares with him some of the deepest pains in her heart and see her shake. And promise he could never do what those men did and that he would show me not all men are the same. How do you then cheat, plan trips, actively date seeking hook ups, etc?

I remember being so stunned when people called me strong for leaving and I thought I didnt have a choice. How could I stay where the love isnt real? How could I deprive myself of the opportunity to live an authentic, true life? I love with all my being, I love hard and I can forgive an awful lot but there is a limit. I used to give so much of myself to people and do so much trying to help people. I dont do that anymore. 

And truthfully I am not as happy as when I believed the illusion of what I had but I know what I have now is better for me. And it is okay that Im not as happy, I'll be happy again one day. It also gives me time to focus on me and I'll probably be single for a long time. I dont really want another relationship for a while, so I can focus on Wonder and school. I was happier with Miguel and I loved him, I still do but it doesnt matter. I'll take longer to heal and "get over it" than he will. He's found another few women. He will never change. Im alone but Im finding myself. Im working on being stronger and better. I think Im wiser. Im learning to care less what other people think and to be more selfish. 

Also Wonder. He also takes walking very seriously and we may have basically lunged on a hill for a while. But he didnt pull loose from me because of the lip chain. We also hiked up a big steep hill which was very hard on me knees because the ACL is f*cked. Not torn but not good. Wonder tried to drag me up, even after the hill. So I circled him a few times and eventually we made it up the hill. It is very steep, I hacked him on it bareback and almost slid off the back :lol: But Wonder will canter up and down hills like wee this is no problem.

I have degenerative disks in my lower back, arthritis, collapsed arches, tendinitis in my left hip flexor. And a damaged ACL I will probably need surgery on. Im in pain all the time, I just dont talk about it a whole lot. In my younger days I went to the gym 5 or 6 days a week sometimes twice a day and ran 20-25 to 30mi a week? Also did obstacles courses, mud runs, etc then was a US Marine so my body has seen a lot of abuse.

I'm also riding Ranja because her mother is hurt. I forgot how spooky and sensitive she is. She isnt with me but I see it in her. I usually get along with nervous nilly types and can get them more confident, so they're not longer nervous or worried. Also working on ground manners and basic cues with her to make her more confident. Also desensitization and other things. Im pretty strict about ground manners. Wonder is his own thing but he's actually pretty good for the most part, he just has moments. But Ranja is a good girl, been lovely to ride. She has a great work ethic and a lot of heart. I think a lot of people would consider her "hot" but I do not think she is. She's a lovely horse.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I will reply more properly later.

I have brought a new kitten home named Magnus (Mau-noos), g is silent. Also with Alma, it is pronounced (Ail-muh). They are Danish and I need more practice speaking Danish. It is a hard language because it is not as it looks. 

I have also found a new coach, I am so excited. I have been looking for a while. Problem has been finding someone who can come to me (I dont have a trailer), can teach in English, can teach through the GP, and can work with Wonder. He isnt cheap so we will do two a month but he is a problem solver. I showed video and talked to him about Wonder and if he thinks he can work with us. And he said well we can try. He said he used to jump a thoroughbred 1.60m that seemed a lot like Wonder. Said Wonder is quite a nice horse and I've done well with him. I showed video, so he knew Wonder was quality and not a typical ottb. He totally understood what I was saying about him and could see from the video what I was talking about. And I said what if we have an exercise with you and Wonder totally takes over and tanks off and I lose steering, and he said then we'll figure it out. Wonder does that some days, other days he is quite good and some he's in a mood of Im in charge. I think those days have become less and less but they still happen. If we have a problem, we'll think how we can get a better response from Wonder. He said traditional approach doesnt work with a horse like this, have to be innovative (he didnt say innovative but same meaning as Im paraphrasing). He said it is always addressing this sort of horse's mind and not his body. The body will come when the mind is present. He is also okay with us riding bareback and I explained how the saddle just doesnt work and gets bad behavior and response. I cant find a good saddle fitter and he said sadly I dont know of any either. I want a saddle so I can post trot better I think posting helps the trot and makes it much easier to help a horse like Wonder. His trot is MUCH improved but that is a tough gait for him.

I watched him teach my friends who rides PSG-I1 on a horse she made who is not a wb and like Wonder does not have a natural trot or natural suppleness in the body. And he always approached how to do something better vs well just do as I say. He's a thinker and problem solver and finds how to best approach the problem. My friend has also helped me a lot with developing Wonder's trot, she has had similar issues with her pony but has developed her pony over 5 or 6yrs and said it took years to make his trot what it is now and that he had similar struggles to Wonder and not to lose faith in the process and patience. She recognized and could see what exercises to help. But the coach we use is older, so been there and done that. I did not want a young coach because they may have good intentions but not the experience or tools to handle something like Wonder. 

Had clean changes on Ranja, her father (jumper) has struggled with changes on her and I think it is because he asks like a jumper vs Ranja needs more help to swap her hind and front. So we had clean changes. She is easier to organize imo because Wonder tends to get carried away vs Ranja stays with the rider without trying to overpower.

Wonder was lovely to ride yesterday. Half pass was really good and transitions. Did a lot of exercises which Wonder figures out in two seconds, so had to adjust. Can never do too much repetition with him, he figures it out in a snap. He is also claustrophobic of walls, I found out so we did quite a few lines and stopped at the wall. Always strides before he gets paniced by the wall. So we'd just go stand at the wall and feed cookies. Then used the corners, walk pirouette to a medium trot, half at corner. Sometimes extension around the arena then halt at a corner he cant predict. And then ask for as big a trot as he can step into. It made him more up without tanking. Had to adjust a bit throwing in circles and transitions because Wonder had it worked out. Then in half steps compressing and letting the rein long, asking Wonder to stay with my seat. I did a bunch of transitions until he offered half steps on his own, rather than a full transition. And with each compression step lengthening the rein into a walk. And also shoulder in into every upward and downward transition. Have to sit perfect or he quickly goes to haunches in. and if he tries to bully me into a transition, doing a volte back and asking again. We did not canter but a few steps. Eventually we'll do halt to canters at each corner but I think we could only do it once each way and then have to do it on a serpentine or something because Wonder figures it out. He really liked that. I felt like I was riding a big border collie who was like where's the ball the whole ride. Half pass was very good, half steps were good also. after each exercise, Id stop and feed cookies. He is happy. But mentally anxious, I think there is a lack of patience and he just wants to do everything at once. So we did a lot of halt which is not Wonder's favorite thing. And long low walks. So rides are longer but more walking. Usually rides are about 30-45min. Some days 20min, others an hour. Just depends. 

I also hacked him one day and had to shoulder in and leg yield all the way back to the stable, the most I let him out he just took off. I am very strict about it being walk ONLY. Try trot and next he's gone. So we walk. The hill work is good for his stifles.


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## egrogan

I adore your new orange kitten. What a sweet face.


I will be very interested to hear how your lessons with the new coach go- sounds very promising!


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## knightrider

@DanteDressageNerd, my poor dear daughter is following in your footsteps. I feel so awful for her.

First her fellow that she loved so dearly dumped her. Unlike Miguel, he is currently being quite cold to her, after promising her everything, telling her how much he loved her every single day, being so good to her, so sweet, respectful, and courteous. He seemed like the perfect guy. And then, one night, he texted her saying he didn't want to see her anymore, and ever since, he treats her like a stranger. NO contact. He won't talk on the phone or see her. NO explanation. She was devastated. 

And then yesterday, her beloved kitty died of kidney failure. The cat was only 7 years old. We found his mother, who was feral, out on a horseback ride; and I let my daughter keep one of her kittens. I found a home for the mother and got her spayed, but we kept this one kitten. She loved that cat more than she loved any of us. He was the sun, moon, and stars to her. We came back from a horseback ride yesterday, and saw he was bleeding rectally and shallow breathing. We took him to the vet, who treated him for a blockage, and thought he would be OK. She watched him all day yesterday, and instead of getting OK, he started getting worse. Back to the emergency vet, who did everything she could, but he went into acute kidney failure and we had him pts at 8:30 last night. 

She had made plans to return the emerald engagement ring her ex had given her, but texted him to tell him that her cat had died and she wasn't up to returning it today. He texted back, "Sorry." That's all. Just "sorry." And he knew how much she adored that cat. He's a jerk and a coward. I'd like to rip his arm off and beat him with it.


She needed that kitty so very much while her heart was being broken. Funny, although the cat grew up at our house with our family, he never liked anyone but my daughter. He wouldn't let any of us pick him up or play with him, but he'd let her do anything she wanted with him. He never left her side. He was so much her cat.

Sorry, but I'm a little mad at God for taking the cat when she needed him so badly. My son's cat is our family cat. He loves all of us and is really friendly to everyone, loves to be cuddled. I'm glad she still has a sweet happy cat to love on, but it is not the same. We read your letter to Alma at our kitty's funeral. You wrote such beautiful things and it fit our kitty too.


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## AndyTheCornbread

@knightrider sorry to hear all that has gone badly lately for your daughter. How old is she?


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## DanteDressageNerd

egrogan- thank you! Little Magnus is very sweet. He reminds me of a little boy who has always wanted a Mommy of his own. He is very playful, cheeky and into everything but also sleeps soundly by my side at night. Always into everything.

And thank you! I have been looking for a coach for a long time! I was going to bite the bullet and trainer with the lady who lives up the road from me. But she's 100usd for half an hour and I never got the impression she really cared or was passionate about teaching. I always felt like she was a collect her check, if the student can benefit her in some way then she cares but if they're not competing or making a name for her. I dont think she cares. And I wanted somebody who cared. I will work really really hard for a trainer, I LOVE having a trainer. Im like tell me what to do, I'll do it. I am your puppet, play me. And instructors liked me because I could do whatever they told me to and Id just do it. Wonder and I are the same like that but Im more of a people pleaser and he's more of a rebel :lol: But the guy I'll be training with, my friend on the national team found. He lives an hour away but to train us both, as well as another stable he can come to us! He is still 75usd per lesson but that is for 45min and he is really passionate and actually cares about the horses. They arent just a machine to him.

My friend switched coaches, her last one absolutely would not have been able to get along with Wonder. My friends and I had talked about that and agreed Wonder would rear and flip so fast. 

knightrider- I am so so sorry for your daughter but I am glad she is able to get loose from him. I think having a man who really doesn't give a sh!t is worse than Miguel. He sounds like something else, I'm VERY VERY skeptical of sweet talkers who promise the world. They hardly ever mean it and if they rise up that fast in feelings, they usually fall that fast too. At least she found out he was a fraud before they got too much deeper in. People can really suck and be so deceptive. The sweeter the words they utter, the more cautious you must tread. I just assume all men are full of sh!t until they prove otherwise :lol: and even then be on guard because they can be so clever in their deception. 

He sounds really really immature, at least she knows now and can find better. A man who actually means what he says and isnt so hot and cold. They dont love you if they turn cold like that.

I am so sorry she lost her precious kitty, especially at such a time in life. Animals help so much with healing :-( that really breaks my heart. I dont even know what to say but I dont understand God, the Universe, whatever is out there. I also do not particularly believe in karma because the best people I know seem to have the most misfortune and the worst have the least. There is no rhyme or reason to this mad and crazy universe. It's like we're floating around in a random happening trying to make sense of existing.

When I told Miguel about Alma, he was very kind and thoughtful. Even if he didnt mean it, I know if I needed something from him he'd do it for me. He is not altogether heartless or cruel, just a rotten boyfriend.

-----

update

Ranja has been a super star, she tries so hard for me. She is very sensitive and to me rides like what I think a typical thoroughbred rides like. Sensitive, motivated, people pleasing, can stress easily. I got on her today and she was trying so hard for me and was really good but she just felt stressed, so we went on a hack around the fields and property. Her stress is because she tries so hard and is such a pleasing type of personality, I just felt like what she needed was to go out and play. 

I wish I could do that with Wonder but he is dangerous on a hack and he scares me. Yes last hack I could put him in a lateral and keep him from bolting but for how long? I am positive by next time he'll just take the bit from my hands and bolt which on him is a terrifying feeling, especially because if I cant stop him there is a hole or he could crash again. Wonder is crazy has a totally different brain. I really think had I started Wonder as a 3 or 4yr old we'd have a very different story. I am still figuring him out and I REALLY hope Mads has some ideas to help get through to him. I really think he might because he rode a thoroughbred that sounded very similar to Wonder. All steam and engine and very clever with a single minded willfullness to do what he wants. 

Wonder also cannot be a high level jumper because he has prior injuries on both front legs. He is fine but it's not worth the risk.

Wonder had today off, so he had his legs and stifles iced, full body massage, and hosed off twice. We have heat wave. I tried to hand walk him on the path I hacked Ranja. He was with lip chain and we ended up lunging on the hill for a little while because he just couldnt walk. I think I just need to walk him in a lunge line when we walk together on a hack. He just doesnt chill. Im usually in a meditative head space when Im with him and try to breathe for him. He's fine in a wash stall or to handle around the stable but to work or even hand walking up and down the fields he is like a border collie after a ball and the ball is to go.

He was very game yesterday. He was very hard for me to ride. I wish I had put the double on for the canter, he just over powers me so much. He doesnt just come back

Why I carry a whip on a very very hot horse, I dont use it. I carry it to keep him from getting sensitive to one. If I drop carrying a whip for a long time and I pick one up he is super tense about it being carried. He also used to kick at it. He wear back bell boots because he tends to cut his legs, I left him without them once and he took part of the hoof off (he has good feet).

I think he has some sore muscles from all the hills we've been climbing together and his antic of having to circle him on a hill for a bit when he is not used to hill work like that. He does not care. He pushes.

Ill share one video, Im not sharing much because I find people to be very judgmental without a clue or understanding. On the forum there is maybe two people I think I wouldnt have to take to the hospital if I let them trot and canter this horse off the lunge line. Anyone can walk him around as long as they arent mean to him but more than that he is very challenging. 

Counter canter was intentional, he knows which lead I want based on position. Change was not. I also only have approximate steering when he is like this. He is not like this every day but that's how it was today. I like counter canter when he is like this because it makes it harder for him to just take the bit from me and take control. It's a lot of breathing slow and deep and trying to channel soothing, calm energy. Almost like youre trying to meditate on him and bring him down. I feel like he just wants to do everything at once. Galloping him around is a VERY stupid idea then no brakes or steering and then he bolts more and more. Never ever gallop him around or let him make choices like that. When he is too much I've been over bending to the inside and going back to walk. the cross of the hind legs is essential.

I ride what I call typical hot and sensitive very well, what makes Wonder hard is NOT that he's hot. If that was the issue, he'd be a piece of cake but he uses his mind and body against the rider and turns his body into something of an unmovable steel rail where you have to be quite tactful in what you do. Wonder is VERY aware he can over power a rider. It's a lot of times why I ride him deep and I do not ride him like most horses. He has a single minded will power and if he wants to do something, you cant stop him. He is not naturally submissive, he naturally pushes into pressure and is a bit of a dominant @ss. So it is always winning his mind. He is NOT a people pleaser. He tries really hard but he is not what I'd call sensitive. I'd say he's very kind but also a border collie. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's a waste of time to try, I dont think someone could understand without sitting on him or working with him. It's a different mind set, you cant just do the magic exercise or do the magic aid. It doesnt work that way.


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## whisperbaby22

I've been thinking about the similarities between dressage and trail riding. It is most important to have a handle on the horse's mind. For dressage, you must be able to communicate the intricate movements the discipline demands. For a trail horse, you must be able to know how your horse will react in any situation that may come up. Yes I know that anyone that rides a different sport will say the same thing, but the way I figure it is this way: dressage demands conditioning from the inside to the outside to perform the movements. Trail riding needs a horse that is conditioned for the terrain you ride on. The only way to properly school these horses is in a ring (for dressage) or on the trail for trail, and any horse not properly conditioned will break down. 

Dressage (properly ridden) demands the slightest aids from the rider to win. You must have control of the mind to have the control needed to complete a test. Trail demands control of your horse in demanding conditions. I have ridden in a lot of squirrely territory, but now, since I live in the city, the most dangerous thing I'll encounter on my trails is the human. Ya, most everybody there is really nice, but I still do encounter creeps and just dufusses with loose dogs (or loose horses! they like to let them run free, I guess) so I must be in control of what my horse may do in a sudden situation like that. 

Anyway, just some random thoughts.


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- I agree! The mind is very important. It's also gaining the horse's confidence and trust. I think trail is a lot of fun. I grew up hacking out, galloping in fields bareback. I also think not every horse can be a trail horse or something reliable. It takes effort, training and communication in both and requires a certain temperament. 

And yes it is does, it's a lot of communication with energy and exchange of minds. I feel like when I set on horse that we communicate. I feel like a ride is a conversation and listening and also setting a line. The struggle with Wonder is he is the type who takes his own initiative and will overpower and decide a rider will not influence him at his will. Training that to be more compliant and more receptive is a challenge. He is becoming more agreeable but I think his nature is fight. 

Thank you for adding your thoughts 
---

Last few days mostly been out hacking with Wonder. I decided if he kills me, he kills me and if he goes down, he goes down. Plus it's really hot for here and he's a little muscle tired. So perfect time to take him out in the fields and get him to walk calmly and explore the area. We actually went on the road, he offered quite a bit of half steps. Tried to run a few times but he came back, so Im very proud of him. I dont care if we gallop some, as long as he is stoppable and his mind stays present. So far he is staying present and that makes me happy, as long as he stays present we can keep hacking out. 

Wonder is very self confident. He is not phased by much, confident through water, not afraid of hares or wild animals that jump out (we had a massive hare jump out, Wonder is like I see you and I dont care) and it is too hot for him to be too interested in bolting. Plus we have some BIG hills we've been hiking. He used to just bolt. I also dont undersand why he is scared of jumps grouped together but it totally unphased by much else. I remember one time we had a german shepherd come at us, trying to attack. Wonder reared up and boxed at it like come close and I'll kill you. The dog left us alone but then if a dog or cat plays at his feet Wonder is so gentle. A little girl hugged his head today and Wonder just rested his head in his arms. He has such a good heart. 

I have also been handwalking him up and down these hills the last week or so. I think that has helped. I will say hiking the big hill really kills my thighs and butt. I am actually sore from all the hiking. The big hill is actually really steep and very long. It's good for us. I grab Wonder's mane when we go up because Im bareback. Nothing to keep my butt from sliding off. Today for the first time Wonder just hiked up at the walk like a pro. Usually he tries to run or at least trot. Today he walked and powered on. Then we went back around the Christmas trees and onto the road. He offered quite a bit of half steps/piaffe and that makes me happy. 






Note I am partially joking. I also found out apparently it is a big deal I was accepted into the cognitive science program. The Danes told me it is the 2nd hardest program to get into in the country...I was like oh sh!t dont tell me that, too much pressure. I cannot breathe lol. I am becoming Danish, I am like dont tell me Im special because Im not. Too much pressure. What if I fail? Better not fail, this is my last shot before my parents give up on me. Lots of math, chemistry, biology, neuroscience, psychology, computer science etc. Most of those Im pretty okay at but chemistry is my weakness. I SUCK at chemistry, I hate it so much. Now I am just nervous and studying. Have to get back on math, if you dont use it you lose it and if I dont do it well than I fail which cannot happen. 

First lesson with Mads should be in a week or 10 days, depending. Im really looking forward to it!

I also need to buy fly spray but for one bottle that costs 20usd in the US, it is 60+ in Dk. Supplements are also much more expensive. Wonder gets vitamin E, magnesium, electrolytes and a joint supplement. He also gets some gut stuff, probiotics, etc. Grains here I think are better quality and dont have as many fillers. I think the sugar/starch content is less. per kg roughly 2.2lbs his grain has under 10% starch/sugar.

Some Wonder and Ranja. Ranja is really good too. She is MUCH easier to ride and train than Wonder. She has what I think of as a typical thoroughbred temperament. Very agreeable, hard working, sensitive, loyal, and will do anything for you once your earn her trust. But she does stress easily, so a lot of times it is trying to keep her in a state of thinking this is fun vs I gotta do this right and I wanna do it. Her mind spins because she tries so hard and when she does that I just go on a hack. But I will say I also like showing what Ranja is able to do because people dont think she is so nice and then they see me ride her and are like woah. If I have a skill or talent it is to make horses that move plain move with expression and freedom.

Wonder is not especially agreeable, he works really hard but I do not think he does it for me. I feel like he does it because he wants to and if he listens it is because he chooses to and if he doesnt want to he has a middle hoof salute. Every day is a new day with Wonder and I think on the whole he is SO SO much better than he was last year. I think his eye is much softer and he is much gentler and he is coming around. When I bought him he had so much anger and aggression. I think he came from a very kind owner but I think he wasnt happy. I have seen that horse grab hold of someone by the shoulder with his teeth and pull them into his chest. Now I dont think it'd ever cross his mind to do that. But he still has the inner anger, he isnt showing it atm but I do know if he wasnt treated or managed properly the anger and aggression would be up front, rather than the kindness and sweetness.

I wish I knew more of his past and I think had I started Wonder as a 3 or 4yr old he'd be a very different horse and go quite differently. I dont think he'd be as tense and I think he wouldnt use his strength against the rider. I think he'd be more agreeable. But I got him as a 7yr old with a past. 

I also really like this from Bette Midler. I love her passion and the energy, amazing performance.









-----------------------
Also something I wrote

I was asked what advice I'd give to young women.

Invest in yourself, never value yourself based on other peoples opinions and definitely not by a man. 

Dont throw your values or principles away or make yourself less to accommodate anyone. Dont be afraid to intimidate and stand out. It may be a lonelier road but you end up with the right people. But also have basic respect for yourself and others, be honorable.

When it comes to men know the sweeter the words, the bigger the promises and grand gestures, the bigger the lies. Life is not a romantic comedy, romance that happens too quickly falls just as fast. Men who step up and imitate the romantic comedies are usually chasing a fantasy and will let you down big time when they realize reality. Even actions can be deceptive.

Assume most people are full of ****, dont believe any promises people make. 

Never expect yourself from other people, they will only let you down. Dont set yourself up for disappointment. People seldom mean what they say.

Stay objective, be skeptical. Never be afraid to walk alone and never put yourself in a position of needing someone else for fulfillment, life or happiness. 

If you're strong, expect to face a lot of hardship and a lot of let downs. Expect hard falls and never get too comfortable. 

Never lose faith in yourself, dont give up on hope and know life is good. 

If you give the best of yourself to someone unworthy, it isnt worth regretting. Never regret doing right, even by people who have done you wrong. It says everything about your character and everything about theirs that they'd take it for granted.

Never fear losing people, if people want to be in your life they will be and if not they wont be.

People will hate you regardless of what you do or dont do, so keep doing your thing and the right people will be there and the wrong ones will not.

There will always be people who give you a million reasons why you will fail, ignore them. Those who cant have to tell you why you cant. Just gotta keep trying and fighting forward. Life is an uphill battle, it doesnt stop even at the top.

I have some I'm leaving out because they are too adult. And Im probably going to be single for a very long time. I think Im best alone and if Im really honest I cant see myself married with kids and settling down. It might happen but I dont see myself living happily ever after. I dont see myself finding someone who is both good for me and I actually want to be with. 

Im a lot of things that shouldnt go together. Im an oxymoron.


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## SueC

Hello @DanteDressageNerd! :wave:

I've stopped by here in my tea-break and am enjoying reading your reflections and seeing the photos. That PRE looks lovely! What career is he going into?

The sunset shots are fantastic! I looked at them enlarged - any of them would make a lovely picture for a wall. I love the balance in this one particularly:










It's a picture with everything - great scenery, gorgeous colours, super framing, lovely subject. It's like a painting.

I hope your friend learns soon that she deserves respectful treatment, but often it takes time, it's a bit of an evolution. I think when people are in that situation, their friendships are extra important - people in their lives who treat them well, unlike their partner. So much of that stuff that makes us put up with crap (or indeed dish it out) is sitting subconsciously, and there can be such a disconnect between what we think, and the conditioning underneath that which can be completely hidden to our thoughts because it's an automatic thing, and may have to be found out by looking at our own behaviour patterns in certain situations, sort of like an entomologist looking through a field microscope.

I'm thrilled you have a kitten! We can't replace animals we've lost, but the space that becomes free in our home will be appreciated by another animal who has its own personality and we'll appreciate them for who they are too. My dog is now about halfway through her statistical life span, and yet it seems such a short time we've had her. I'm going to hate losing her, so I try to make the most of it now. I do know that when that does happen, I will be down to the farm dog rescue centre again within a week, since a lot of abandoned dogs are looking for good homes, just as she was - and a farm needs a dog. Your Alma had her adventures and a good life, though unfortunately short. Now your Magnus will have adventures with you.

Are you studying your subject at university in English or Danish? Because if the latter, do you have to write in Danish as well? I'd find that really hard, to write in a language I don't think in. My German is fluent orally and I can read any level, but expression is far harder than in the language I think in, which is English... did you know much Danish before you came to Denmark?

...and you do realise that one of the people in that palace in Copenhagen is a native Aussie?  I've heard that the Danes nickname her "kangaroo"... her Danish is apparently really good now, but she's had 15 years of full-on coaching and cultural immersion, and a partner who's a native speaker...

I like the idea the new trainer has of training the mind, not the body - since the horse's mind needs to control his own body, and the rest is basically communication and relationship, plus dancing lessons! ;-)


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## DanteDressageNerd

Sue-The PRE is going into working equitation, the pure dressage is too hard on him and he doesnt enjoy low level work. He would be mentally okay if he could be pushed up the levels but physically he cannot take that kind of loading of the hind end. So working equitation where they arent really collected in a dressage sense is a better fit. He really doesnt seem to like doing dressage, he was fine for me and I could get him to go but I felt like I had to make him. 

Thank you!! We have some amazing sunsets here! And of course I like the subject too :lol:

I hope so too! For now I am not judging and just supporting her and helping where I can. She will know when the time is right, as a friend we must never force their hand and accept their decision. We dont have to agree but out of compassion it is best to express concern but accept their choice. I think when in the thick of a situation and being emotionally blinded, it can really distort perception and common sense. I know Im stupid when Im attached, even when I try not to be.

Thank you! Magnus is such a joy to have in the home, he adds a lot of light to life each day! Alma is still very badly missed though. I think you are wise, just enjoy her as she is. Nothing lasts forever, so we love and make the most of the time we have. Attachment and loss go hand in hands at some point and it hurts but I think that is how life is. A merry go round of ultimate color and dimension.

My classes are english, Dansk is very hard to learn. I understand more than I speak but it's coming slowly. 

I did not know an Ausi was in the palace, that's curious! 

Me too! It made me SO excited to watch him teach my friend and when my friend was telling me about her new coach because he sounded like what I've been looking for and the fact that he could come to us is SO very exciting!! I really think he can help me with Wonder. Her last trainer we all discussed would have been TERRIBLE with Wonder. She is very set in her ways and thinks a horse just does what it is told and doesnt address the mind. Wonder would rear and flip so fast or he'd take hold of the bit and just run. He cannot be mastered. You cannot make him, he simply wont go along with it. You have to convince him and that can be very hard sometimes. And even if you do everything technically right and "convince" him, sometimes he just takes his own initiative and does what Wonder wants to do.
------

Wonder was quite wild today. I lunge every day before I ride, else he carries too much tension in his body. He is quite a tense horse and I cant say that is something I like in him but it's trying to make him less so. Just takes time.

Today he was not good on the hack. At no point could I lose focus or totally relax, he took off on the green way next to the road and was just jiggy and tense. I tried some techniques to get him to relax and settle into a rhythm but today it just wasnt going to happen. So when we got back, we did some arena work. Lot of just more training level type of head carriage and getting him to keep in rhythm and reach more through with his body. I gathered him up a bit and let him do one massive extension and he just took off like a bottle rocket. He really enjoys doing that. His trot is really hard to ride and organize but I am thankful for it because I am learning so much. 

Pretty basic. A fitter looked at the saddle and said she will sent a saddle maker out. She said the problem is whoever flocked it put too much weight over the shoulder and it needs less flocking behind and much much much more in front. So we put a lot of shims in and rode in the saddle. The trot is SO much easier with him posting, I can really sit against him in the sit phase and make him keep rhythm, as well as push. He just needs more help, I can create I feel a better trot undersaddle than I can either bareback or on the lungeline. Making a trot is instinctual, so I find it difficult to explain. It's like if I show off a horse and can rock it back and make it step through it's body and shoulder. I have a hard time explaining exactly how to do that or half halts create a sort of passagey feeling to the trot and over time creates suspension. There are so many parts to making a trot and I have no idea how to really explain it. Wonder has taught me more than any horse I've ever ridden about making a trot. He has a great trot in there, I dont think most people can see it but trainers can and I can, my friend can. But I like talking to my friend who shows PSG-I1 (she scores 70+%) because her horse has a lot of the same issues in the trot, so she totally knows what Im talking about having to make a rhythm and trot, otherwise they do wonky stuff. I still have my jumper friends too and we talk almost daily about life and horses. Amazes me how jumpers in Denmark have schooled essentially 3rd-4th level. But these are also high level jumpers.

Also about improving the canter, making the rhythm truer, purer, more uphill, and with more scope and jump behind. Wonder I wish I could show an example but he doesn’t always respond as he is supposed to but it is in how you ride the canter like sitting the croup down and lifting the shoulder. It’s in the rhythm in your mind and the sit and rise. I have no idea how to explain because it is a feeling and instinct. 

I also had an interesting discussion about over tracking and why the obsession. I said I think when people are learning dressage they are told that is how to tell it a horse's back is engaged or if they are through. When the education advanced you realize that is not true. A horse can be totally hollow and track up or a horse can be very through and over the back and not track up. It is not directly related to throughness or correctness but most people only know what others have said and dont really have the experience or knowledge to know what to look for. At the GP almost no horse "tracks up." In collection a horse cannot track up but horse in genuine collection is much more through and over the back than a horse who is working long and low.

Also discussed with my friend different training systems and how people train and the result, etc. Talked about the British, Dutch, German and Danish system and how different systems/methods work and which ones we favor, etc.

Wonder is stepping through a lot more with the hind end, my friend again with her horse said her horse did not either for a very long time. It took years to make his trot. He has a muscle in his back towards his croup, a little more towards his ribs that is quite tense, I am working on it. Did a lot of muscle work today, more tomorrow and he'll have tomorrow and maybe Monday off too. 

This video is AFTER he was turned out for a few hours, I lunged him (I ALWAYS lunge before I ride him or he is just a mass of tension), I hacked him then rode in the arena, then took him to the arena and stuck him on the lungeline (he felt like he just had to let something out, it was in his energy). I was stupid and tried to lunge him in a halter so he was dragging me around like I was skiing behind him and I am NOT weak or inexperienced. I have never skiied like that behind any horse like that, just Wonder. So I finally was able to take the lunge line off and let him loose and that is this video. He is something else, I have never met a horse quite like him.

Also in term of skiing, almost 2yrs ago I was hand walking Wonder over cavaletti. He decided he was done and not going to do it anymore and stopped, I was like what do you mean you're not doing it anymore? I asked him to go over and at a walk, like passive, relaxed walk dragged me to the wall of the arena and I skiied behind him. In my life I have NEVER had a horse just nonchalantly go nah Im not doing that and be like so Im just going to walk to the wall now. I was so shocked when he did that, now I look back and think yep that's Wonder. There are no words. I have never met a person who could stop him one he decided to do something, a lot of people have tried. And that's why he's with me.






I also very arrogantly and naively at one point told my trainer I wasnt worried about Wonder being hot because I'd worked with a lot of thoroughbreds and never rode one I really thought of as a hot horse or that difficult... I am eating my words every day for that statement.


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## gottatrot

DanteDressageNerd said:


> I also very arrogantly and naively at one point told my trainer I wasnt worried about Wonder being hot because I'd worked with a lot of thoroughbreds and never rode one I really thought of as a hot horse or that difficult... I am eating my words every day for that statement.


Ha ha, I believe in Murphy's law. Never say it out loud, even if you think it!!

Don't worry, I think I have a trainer across the road from my barn who can help you calm any horse for any situation. I'll tell her to give you a call. She can probably straighten Wonder out over the phone. 

Seriously though, I think you did some body work recently with Wonder? To me he looks like he is moving really well in the last video, and more supple over the back. 

It was interesting to read what you said about tracking up. I've heard that it is so important too, but noticed how a horse with a short back and very flexible like my mare Amore could be braced and still over track. She usually steps a full hoof print over her front one in her natural state. Currently I watch a horse to see if they track up equally on both sides, to watch for body issues, and also to see if they are shorter or longer than usual for them. So I use it more as a "body issue" gauge.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- So I have learned, I keep kicking myself for saying it! I just thought thoroughbreds had a reputation that I didnt feel was true. I think a lot of thoroughbreds end up in the hands of inexperienced people who dont know how to train them and creating behavioral issues that arent who that horse really is. And sometimes they go to not so good trainers who do psychological damage to the horse and then they get a bad reputation. or behavior just isnt addressed so develops into an issue that can be fixed but now always. I remember quite a few times Id get on a horse and people would say how naughty and bad it was and Id never have a problem *shrugs* I do not think they were dishonest at all, I think they just didnt know.

But thanks, I'll keep the recommendation in mind. I'd love to hear what brilliant insight she could bestow and show me that all I had to do was body control and he'd be perfect :lol:

I do massage pretty often on Wonder but usually more surface level. I've done more intense massages these last two days because I think he has some tight muscles deep in his back. I think he's a bit stiff and stuck in the ribs. More on the right than the left. Im trying to get a chiropractor out asap but a lot of Danish phones wont accept an American number and my regular chiropractor is on Holiday for another week or so, so email is usually the way to go. Chiropractor (Thursday) and also having the vet see him for an adequan prescription and joint injections. Vet sees him on friday, so then I am hoping to get the approval to order adequan (everything, even wormer has to be administered by a vet in Denmark). I am atm questioning his suspensory, it carried some heat yesterday and that worries me. There is no swelling and very minimal heat but still present.

With "Tracking up" I think people just arent educated and truthfully a lot of trainers arent really educated. I have heard of lessons where the trainer is so focused on "tracking up" that they totally neglect everything else going on in the horse, like balance or connection. Tracking up is a byproduct, not the most important thing. The more on the hindquarters the horse is the less they are able to reach under their body. The truly collected paces are not usually “flashy” or “wow” but they are very important for the training and conditioning. A dressage horse needs to be adjustable and it isnt just bigger paces or smaller paces like in the beginning of the training but actual collection where the horse takes more weight over the hind legs, sits down and lifts the shoulder. Thing is most people are not experienced, most are strictly AA who have never schooled past 2nd or 3rd level or ever been in an upper level environment and actually seen the training of top riders/trainers. I think travel and training with a variety of instructors, going to other countries and actually being in the world makes a difference. It's REALLY eye opening. However ideally in the long and low they should track up and in the working paces but that does not mean every horse will over track or track up. 

Carl Hester and Uthopia, clearly a very correct and well trained horse. Brilliantly ridden.





Wanadoo





I think people are so used to seeing the horses worked in a forward pace showing off the quality of their gaits. I can say from riding young horses, we only show that big forward pace to show off their capability but to do everyday is hard on them and offers no real training value. What are you teaching the horse or how are you improving the paces or preparing it to collect when all you do is ride forward and up? or in a show arena that they havent really seen those riders schooling horses at home or seen what those horses go like when they're at home on a day to day basis. And when they watch shows only watch the top 5 and not all the riders to give perspective.

Valegro at home which is public video, so likely not exactly how they really train behind the scenes.





Helen Langehanenburg









or if you go to an actual show a lot of GP horses look like this one. I think watching all the way through gives great appreciation for how hard this is for riders and for horses and how easy it is to make rhythm and timing errors. And a lot of these horses are REALLY hard to ride. At the top stables having something like Wonder isnt normal but not something people go why dont you throw it away? It's good to see all the different types of riders and horses and maybe find a name of a rider and seeing how they ride on a variety of horses and how they adjust themselves as a rider to each horse.





But I will also say I think high level dressage is unnatural and hard on the horses. It takes a very special horse to be able to do that kind of work and take that kind of pressure. I also think they really have to enjoy it at that level.
-------
I often think people have quite a negative mind set when they watch other riders, rather than saying okay that could be better but they did this well. I try to keep out of a negative mind set because I dont always know the story behind a horse or the rider. It's so easy to say well it SHOULD be like this "posts ideal image" but it isnt and understanding how it is a harder process on some horses than others and some horses you get where you get. Every horse is different, they dont all ride the same or train the same. Some you have to take a different path to get where the goal is. And that is what most people dont understand. A lot are very set in their system or way of thinking and are not flexible or willing to adjust and it ends up isolating horses out of their program.

Sometimes I really wish Wonder was a more agreeable, easier horse to work with. It gets frustrating how difficult he is. It really limits the trainers who can work with us. It takes a special kind of experienced trainer. He is not compliant or obedient by nature. I actually told Mads a lot of times I am embarrassed to ride him in front of people because he is so difficult just to do basic things on and as a rider it is embarrassing. But I suppose I find it amusing when people try to say how it “should” be are the same people who couldn’t even steer on Wonder let alone get him on the bit. And frankly I think few could post his working trot. His trot is really rough. His canter is strong and sometimes back breaking but it isnt rough riding. He doesnt look like how he rides.

Last year my trainer and I had sat together and agreed lessons on Wonder at that point was a waste of time because he was just not cooperative and half the time I had to stop the lesson to address instinct type issues. He was fully vetted. Literally that horse has had his entire spine, neck, and legs down to his hooves x rayed. Tons of ultrasounds, treated for ulcers, blood tests, etc. Clean x rays, scar tissue front tendons in his front legs. Stifles had some fluid, so we did prp but no tears or anything. So I took lessons on PSG-I1 horse at the time and got to school the PSG and parts of the I1 test.

I love Wonder but I also want to rip my all my hair out and scream. I just hope Mads has ideas and answers to get through to Wonder because Im tired. Wonder has torn my back out, torn my core and back muscles and Im tired. What is difficult is on one hand you have to ask and be quite sensitive and on the other you have to have a very firm line with no negotiations with Wonder. Absolutely cant tell him what to do but once you ask, you MUST make an absolute frame of reference and cannot leave a door open and even if you close that door. Sometimes he just takes it upon himself to open it and do what he wants. If he does that you are a passenger. So Im really anxious to hear what Mads will have us do and his ideas.

Chiropractor sees Wonder on Thursday, vet on Friday. Trying to score some adequan :lol:

I am also looking into why I favor a horse like Wonder when I could have a much easier life with a less difficult horse, as well as why I choose men on the antisocial spectrum. Not fun when you're psychologist is like, you know your ex is a sociopath right?

My psychologist and I had a long talk about Wonder once and my choice of horses and people. Pretty stable atm but veering towards depressive side, have to be careful. 

Wonder I love so much, about like Sporty. I never loved Frankie like I loved the special weirdos. I dont know why to be perfectly honest. A part of me thinks I like the challenge and problem solving, another part thinks I like the connection you make with the horse that just needs that special person. A part of me thinks I just love the education and a part thinks Im crazy. But I think it's that I identify with them and see a light in them I relate to. 

I remember telling Miguel, I like broken things. And it isnt that I think I can necessarily fix them but I feel I am broken and so when I connect with someone who knows what it is to be broken, I feel a connection and that is similar to what I feel in Wonder that I never could in Frankie. I've been through a lot. A lot of stories I would never share on here. And truthfully one of the only people I've really shared my story with was Miguel. And he swore he'd show me not all men were the same. I think I yearn for that sort of genuine deeper connection of simply being understood and heard without having to work too hard at it. I feel understood with Wonder and I try my best to understand him. Someone also suggested to me that maybe Wonder was so kind with Miguel was because he knew he was broken too. And in a lot of ways I do feel sorry for Miguel because I know what happened to him and I know why he is the way that he is but I also know he will never change. I dont think he's strong enough. And that is sad because I can see the road he's on. I still care, I always will. I dont think you ever really stop loving someone, you simply recognize them for who they are and that they have no place in your life. And their presence will block you from being the person youre meant to be.

I do think in another situation Wonder is the type that would have been passed around until he found himself on a slaughter truck. He can get really mean and aggressive when someone is rough with him or has the wrong energy or if someone doesnt know what they're doing or it too nicey nice with him he just drags them around, walks over them and if they tell him not to do something will strike at them. He and I have had a lot of words together, so have a few other people. Wonder is very defensive and fights for himself, even if you are not asking for that much from him. He wants what he wants and is smart enough to be like pff what can you do about it? When I bought him the previous owner's dad told me that Wonder didnt like anybody but myself and his son. And said he's just a miserable horse. His previous owner said he turned down 8 or 9 different buyers because he was worried Wonder would end up abused and said he just didnt like how they interacted with Wonder and said he saw me and Wonder and that I'd do right by him. I think somewhere in Wonder's history someone was mean to him. 

There is absolutely NO extra credit from having a difficult horse. You get WAY more judgment and criticism. Nobody says good job after you prevented a bolt from being longer than it was. Nobody will ever say good job because you improved compliance from a horse. I think a lot of people have that as a starting point and really take it for granted and assume all horses are like their own or the ones they've worked with.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Comments on below video are very good and fair. I like hearing experts opinions and thoughts. Very nice riders and horses. 





0:40:00 Emile Faurie 1:44:00 is interesting. really like the horse and rider at 2:24:00. Comments are good. Quality of horse is phenomenal, clever riding. I can see he is like Wonder in the trot though, really have to organize it or very easy to have irregularities or get speed and not length if not careful. But he is a Portuguese horse, so it makes sense. Talking to the GP trainer I got to ride with. For these horses they teach collection, piaffe and passage before extension because you need all those components to produce an extension. It's like Wonder you cant just push like a warmblood or arab or qh or most thoroughbreds. You really have to organize and it is so careful of timing between the push, half halt and also organizing the rhythm. It's REALLY hard. My friend on the national team has the same struggle, so she knows all about this. It's really a skill a lot of trainers in the North do not have.

The Portuguese trainer was telling me most Northern Europeans cannot produce an extension on a Portuguese or Spanish horse because they are so used to just pushing for it and not feeling for it. They do not have the organization in their seat or core. It is a very different style of ride.

When I have the money I am going back to London and the UK to watch some horse shows. I had the option to go in May when I went but it would have been 200usd just to travel and I couldnt afford that, especially because the whole trip including food and hotel was around 300usd made no sense to spend so much money just on travel and not including the cost of entering to watch the show! Charlotte and Carl were there and I REALLY wanted to go but Im poor.

I kinda have a warm spot for Emile Faurie. I rode a horse he had as an alternate for the olympics in 2000? or 2004? He was a stallion named Tiamo. He taught me how to ride 1's and 2 tempis, as well as piaffe, pirouette and passage. He died 8yrs ago :-( but I LOVED that horse. Im so glad I got to take lessons on him. He and I got along really well. He was very strong and lovely. Not hot. I think he was originally brought to GP by Hubertus Schmidt. That is one I really wish I had video of me riding. There are a lot I wish I had video on. 

Low, round deep






Also Leo, my buddy. He was quirky but very sweet. Most professionals could not ride him because if he felt pressure he'd have a massive fit. Supposedly he had reared and bronced off some riders, I dont know the whole story. I know he didnt rear or buck with me. Right hind has an old injury. But you also couldn't pressure him for the maximum, you could only ask and accept what he left you. And always had to let him feel like he had an open door and was not boxed in.





Frankie little fit





Frankie





Friday. Hadnt been ridden in a week or ten days. He had an on again, off again schedule. I dont remember why exactly. I think a series of saddle issues, my trainer having time for us, etc.





18.2h wb. He was 20? He'd been used as a kids lesson horse, so I was playing with him for practice and having to "tune him up" quite a bit and getting him to step through. He's actually WAY easier to sit than Wonder. This one could have been a GP horse if he had gone that road as a youngster. He was a jumping schoolmaster but not a dressage schoolmaster. He used to jump over 1.20m









Frankie age 3, few months broke





Saturday. He was few months broke then 





Stuff I remember. Dante. Over 3yrs ago now, crazy. He was really quirky/tricky to ride. He taught me an awful lot. Very different from Wonder. 




me trying to be a hunter but lead change








https://youtu.be/z6Ohj4gSlic?t=39

Also Ranja was FABULOUS last night. I asked her to be deeper and to accept more the outside aids and ride more like a dressage horse than a jumper. She has the strength and education now. She was fabulous. It was a thunder storm outside and she is not very confident but she trusted me and knew she was okay. So she was really good. I love working with mares, I absolutely love a mare. They will do ANYTHING for you if you ask and make the expectation clear. You never have to pressure, just ask and they will do anything. I love Ranja. Nicolai is really pleased with how she is going and riding for him. She is jumping much much better! Also didnt know Nicolai actually competed internationally as a GP jumper. His brother is an international rider.

Wonder and Ranja are pasture mates now. She is so in season for him, she does not care about any other boy. She doesnt react to them, just Wonder. We were giggling about that because Wonder was like I just want to eat grass and she was very smitten :lol: Also Wonder loves cats and other animals, he has a really kind soul and I think his nature is to be kind.


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## knightrider

[quote She said he has issues with trust and she thinks at some point in his life someone was very mean to him because he gets such an extreme reaction to any kind of thing he is not sure of or comfortable with. A 0 to 85 or 100 reaction. 
][/quote]


Yesterday I had an issue with one of my Pasos, Acicate. I think you hit the nail on the head with this quote and another one.



> Wonder is very kind and has the biggest heart but he does quickly flip to being an aggressive, angry, hostile horse. We nurture the loving side but I do not think that aggressive, defensive side will never go away completely. It is less and less all the time.


Acicate isn't anything like Wonder . . . except that one part, that he can go from lovey dovey to kicking at you in 1 second. He seems so affectionate and then suddenly it's ears back and teeth bared. Or vice versa. I've never seen anything like it. I don't let the children go into his stall because I don't trust him. He knows me and won't go at me, but he has at my daughter and at our friend. He's lovely to ride nowdays, but he used to be horrible--bucking and rearing high. I got him out of that mess, and now he is a horse in a million . . . except he isn't really affectionate--he is and he isn't. I've known cats like that. They let you pet them and pet them and then suddenly, they are biting and clawing you.

I love reading your journal. I loved that list of things a woman should strive for. Really well-thought out.


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## gottatrot

I was thinking about some of the same things as @knightrider. Hero was also a racehorse until age 5, and I wonder if for some horses transitioning into adulthood in that environment is not the best. I've often called him a "baby," because he often comes across like he got stuck emotionally and never matured. Nowadays I feel like he is growing up, because he more often responds with some patience and maturity instead of just getting bitey/prancy or throwing a tantrum. 

Sometimes I've wondered if that is because they always treat the track horses like they are two and three year old babies. I was imagining a person who was old enough to be in high school and yet was only around kindergarten teachers. At some point you would want a horse to stop and think rather than just react, but a preschool teacher would be more used to dealing with tantrums and not trying to teach more advanced problem solving. 



> I am also looking into why I favor a horse like Wonder when I could have a much easier life with a less difficult horse, as well as why I choose men on the antisocial spectrum. Not fun when you're psychologist is like, you know your ex is a sociopath right?
> 
> My psychologist and I had a long talk about Wonder once and my choice of horses and people. Pretty stable atm but veering towards depressive side, have to be careful.
> 
> ...I never loved Frankie like I loved the special weirdos. I dont know why to be perfectly honest. A part of me thinks I like the challenge and problem solving, another part thinks I like the connection you make with the horse that just needs that special person. A part of me thinks I just love the education and a part thinks Im crazy. But I think it's that I identify with them and see a light in them I relate to.
> 
> I remember telling Miguel, I like broken things. And it isnt that I think I can necessarily fix them but I feel I am broken and so when I connect with someone who knows what it is to be broken, I feel a connection and that is similar to what I feel in Wonder that I never could in Frankie.


Some might end up with broken horses or broken relationships because they feel they're not good enough or don't deserve anything better. Some might try to break or ruin things because they've always been disappointed and sort of "preempt" what they know is coming. So they sabotage their own happiness.

I don't think you're like either of those things, and I'd guess these things come to you not because of what's wrong with you, but because of what's right. You have a special strength and ability to think outside the box and above things that would just frustrate other people. You are willing to give people a chance, and animals also that others would discard. You'll take on a challenge, knowing it might be insurmountable but accepting that risk so you can get the learning and growth that is only possible with super difficult things. I think all of those are very admirable traits and signs of wellness that you've achieved. An easier life or easier horses would not teach you nearly as many things.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- thank you. I try. I used to be a mentor and I still think of things I wish I had known. I think it's amazing how certain quotes or passages change in meaning as we progress through life. The backstory of our knowledge and experiences really changes how we perceive the written word! It amazes me.

I can definitely understand that. One to be cautious of and like you said, quite cat like! What are paso finos like to work with? I have actually never ridden one or an icelandic horse or fjord. Every horse is an individual and some of them have an unpredictability or a protectiveness and they arent totally complacent. There is a wire working in there.

gottatrot- it would be fascinating to know Hero's back story. I imagine that is a factor in why he is the way that he is now. I think track people and situations really vary from horse to horse and I guess we'll never really know what went on behind closed doors. In general I dont think it is a happy environment for the low end runners. The horses are treated like property and handled as property, rather than as individuals. The person I bought Wonder from treated him and all his horses really well. Good quality feed and you could tell he loved his horses, also had my trainer ask around before I purchased Wonder. The previous owner still likes to hear how Wonder is doing and had offered to buy him back.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness. I think you are right. According to my psychologist Im an empath. I tend to draw broken people and things to me. If I sit on a bus or plane, often times people tell me their whole life stories and I listen and help them heal. I have friends from all walks of life. Some are very successful and some have incredibly tragic stories but overcame. I know one who was abandoned in her teens and was a prostitute for a short time. I've had a few with abusive parents with severe mental health disorders they took out on the kids. I know a lot of people with a variety of mental health disorders. I dont really judge, as long as they're real and honest and we can all be open and help each other.

I can definitely understand that. One to be cautious of and like you said, quite cat like! What are paso finos like to work with? I have actually never ridden one or an icelandic horse or fjord. Every horse is an individual and some of them have an unpredictability or a protectiveness and they arent totally complacent. There is a wire working in there.
---
One thing I'll say I really learned is when I watch an experienced rider and I see something Im not sure of or I dont like, I always ask why they did that? or why did that moment happen? I'll say when you watch someone high profile get ran off with or a horse totally take over and run off with them, I dont really fault rider or horse. I ask what happened? To me it is quite obvious when a horse is pulling strong at the bridle vs a rider pulling against but I'd say the vast majority cant tell the difference. To me it is obvious when you're sitting on a ball of fire and need to ride tactfully and carefully vs a horse that is tense from an anxious rider. But most people I do not think have a very discerning eye. Like I can tell when a horse just says f*ck off and takes over vs an inexperienced, unskilled rider losing control or if a horse is too pressured vs f*ck off Im doing my thing.

I liked watching 0:58:41 watching that test and listening to the judges commentary. I agree with them. It looks like she's sitting on a ball of fire and a very hot, tense horse. I think she did a beautiful job negotiating that. I LOVE how informative and positive the commentary is for every rider. I do not feel they were unfair, they could read the horse's and rider's and offer their perspective from an educated background. Because the commentary comes from international riders, trainers and judges. It's very nice.










Trot and shoulder in









leg yield





Canter


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## DanteDressageNerd

Gonna try to do a short update. Haven't really had the focus to sit and keep up, been fixated on studying, reading and listening to talks on youtube about autism, different mental health issues, behavioral science, education, philosophy, psychology to various ideas. I know Im not better or more worth while than anyone else. Im a very passionate person with a variety of interests who tends to fixate on things I find interesting. Doesnt make me any better than anyone or elitist or anything worse. It's just my passion and makes me curious.

I am clinically diagnosed with aspergers which is now no longer diagnosed and is considered a part of the autistic spectrum. Had an incorrect diagnosis of depression/anxiety which turned out to be bipolar disorder and ADHD. And I think being on the spectrum people really dont understand how it makes someone different. I think people usually cannot tell that I have it because I have learned how to integrate and behave in the way people are expected to. It doesn’t mean Im “cured”. In Denmark, at least in Jutland I feel people are curious about people who are different and are open to listening or hearing another person’s account and accepting it without ridicule. I find in the US people have an agenda or it feels like when they're listening they're not actually hearing or understanding you. It feels like they're dismissing what you say because what you're saying is different from what they've been told their whole life and your experience or research doesnt matter. And a lot of times people dont really want the details and I dont think they really want to think or listen to understand but listen to put themselves over you in some way. And I hate that. I like to see everyone grow. Not all people are dismissive but I think that routes back to an egocentric and competitive culture in the US with a strong dose of anti intellectualism. What I mean by that is if you have a conversation with someone and you disagree, people actually take it as a personal attack! They wont discuss with you, they will call you names and back talk you, rather than have a conversation and ask questions. I also think when people misinterpret, they assume they know what someone meant but dont ask. You can say the same sentence and it be read by 10 different people and mean something entirely different to each. 

I’ve been made fun of, ridiculed and mocked much of my life for being different and quirky and eccentric. That Im finding as an adult is exactly what people like me for. I used to have Professors who called me brilliant and Id shy away because I felt like me expressing my passion made people think more of me than I deserved to be thought of. My life is defined by high highs and low lows. I can hate everything about myself and live in a world of thoughts similar to a worst enemy living in my head to completely low and apathetic and cant get out out of bed to other stuff I wont mention. To the life of the party. Regardless of where I am I like to entertain, I love to be something of a comedian and make people laugh so hard they're in tears. Granted the material I often talk about is very adult and I swear A LOT. Or I'll see the person at a party crying and I'll come sit with them, give them hugs, pep talk and be there. Or I'll be the person dancing on the table or giving a lecture. One time I gave one about the protestant reformation and how it changed the way people think about stuff. 

I REALLY REALLY like Temple Grandin. I remember when I first heard about her 15yrs ago and I didnt understand. I was just told she was an autistic woman who re-designed slaughter houses to be more humane. And she does have autism, not aspergers. She had speech delay until she was 4. I really relate to the detail based thinking and noticing things other people dont see. 
















With horses sometimes I feel people think horse training is like algebra or there Is a linear process and sometimes there is and there is certainly a system to the education but you cant use the same formula for every horse because different horses have different minds, conformations and life experiences. I think it takes a fairly large sample size and a lot of experience to really get the idea that horses are individuals and not all the same. And Im very glad I've gotten to work with 100s of horses. Im glad I usually ended up with the trouble cookies. I like them. 

I think a part of what I like about Wonder is he is different. He does not think like other horses. I think he is one someone would have to meet and have their hands on and experience to understand what I mean. With him when you reach his point of discomfort where he acts out or he does something violent, you have to keep at that point. If you back off and say I don’t want to pressure then you have a comfort zone that will constrict to where he is taking over more and more vs if you push you gradually open up his comfort zone and trust in a rider to LET the rider in. That is what I have been working towards most with Wonder is getting him to LET ME IN to let me ride him and not just take over and that is how he has pulled my back out and torn my core muscles is I set a frame with my body and say I am here, you dont get to bully me and take over. And sometimes he just over rides that but then you're quick to say no this is the line and you show him an exercise and it's exhausting. It’s why things like half pass, half steps and collection are important with a horse like Wonder. He needs to learn how to let a rider in and accept them without taking over. I think that is his defense mechanism whenever he is outside his comfort zone or sometimes he just flat out doesnt want to be told what to do and says I know what you're asking and I say no. And it is a different playing field when you start asking something from a horse vs when you ask nothing. I can by expanding Wonder's boundaries, now when I do basic things he is a LOT LOT more ridable and consistent. We've been doing low, round and deep serpentines, circles, cavaletti, playing with different trot paces. He still takes a lot and he still tries to take over but he BACKS off when I half halt in my core, back and seat. Not always but he is responding better better than a year ago. 

It's like when I used to ride horses who were lesson horses or from abuse type situation their mind goes from engaged to they have a point of shutting the rider out. Same undersaddle as it is on the ground, it is convincing them to let you in and to communicate. When I worked for natural horsemanship and driving trainer she said, we're always having to convince them that we're different from other people that we can hear them. And engage them mentally and emotionally. I remember trying to teach someone on a mare who listened only to emotion or energy. I had no problem with her but most dressage riders could not ride her because they didnt know how to do that. So sometimes trying to explain a sensory thing to someone was very hard. I tried to explain it's like your radiating a beam of energy from your chest and the horse reads that. I know it sounds crazy but it works. 

Im also quite used to having to really use my position and keep my body where it is because Im used to a horse who will pull me in every direction. Wonder needs a STRONG but empathetic rider and also one who can push him out of his comfort zone but not force him but not let him control the situation and make him toe the line too. He is one where if you always back off when he acts up and dont push, his tantrums become worse and then he steadily takes more and more control vs becoming more and more ridable/agreeable. You have to know what you're doing with him and even then his responses are not guaranteed. And it depends on the day. Sometimes he is more agreeable than other days.

Sometimes horses surprise me, Ranja rides quite different with a different rider. She is a bit of a snake or wiggle worm to ride but is getting better every ride. She is one who if someone doesnt have a controlled, independent canter seat will run away with a rider. She also needs a confident, secure rider or she can act up, threaten to rear, buck, bolt etc. She has never offered with me. She has voiced her opinion or said that's hard or given me some attitude but never been naughty. Always very lovely and lady like, so it surprises me when I see her threatening. I helped her mom with her and that seemed to make a big difference, so they ended both happy with each other. Her mom said afterwards omg I love this horse. This is my dream horse and that made me smile. Ranja is a lovely horse. I like her a lot! 

I do not hold horses and if you actually rode a horse after me, I think people are surprised by how light and responsive they are. Wonder is quite responsive but you have to know what you're doing or he will push into pressure then bully and intimidate the rider. 

Ranja's mom's goal is to really ride Wonder. She has walked on him and done some spanish walk with him. Wonder loves to spanish walk. She loves Wonder. And I understand why. I love him too.

When I post things I DO NOT claim to be perfect, I have never claimed that but I do make an effort to learn 

This is from Wednesday? She really enjoys this. I can feel it when






Just to compare this was Ranja my first ride on her. She was quite green to dressage

First ride on Ranja





Wonder and Ranja











Also Wonder. This is NOT all the time but as an example of what he can be. He turns from happy, cuddly to this in a split second. Generally when Im around he does not. And for grooming, he tolerates it but when the chiropractor was out and she did something that made him uncomfortable. Yes. He doesnt threaten to kick out or kick out as much as he used to. But it's something deep inside. Can fix the symptom but the cause I am unsure of. I definitely think there is something that happened to him because he can be so sweet and gentle. Then he flips a switch and he has never bitten me or anyone here. He has once and that wasnt nice but we dealt with that pretty quick 2yrs ago after or before I bought him. I cant remember.


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## gottatrot

I feel like people with mental health issues or conditions are among the last groups that are still discriminated against. We always hear about how we need to be sensitive and inclusive of all races, inclinations, body types and etc., but still people seem to feel it is fine to show bias against people with mental health issues. I think that needs to change.

You are doing very well with Ranja. I can see definite improvement in her rhythm and straightness in the latest video. Your shoulder-in at around 2 minutes was quite good and I could see the three distinct tracks. 

That is a beautiful field and the horses look like they love being out there.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- I think you are VERY VERY right about that. There is a HUGE amount of stigma and discrimination made against people who are mentally different. I really think it is because people dont understand and they cant see the effects of mental illness or something like autism. Not everybody is high functioning or strong. I think one of the hardest lessons I've learned is that there are a lot of broken people who are weak and they will not get better or change because of that. It takes a lot of resilience, a lot of fight, a lot of work to basically function. I think it also effects relationships quite a bit. And there is such a spectrum with every illness. It really depends on the individual. Some people like to fetishize their sickness and actually enjoy it! They like the pity and attention and that disgusts me. Cant sit around feeling sorry for yourself or begging for attention, have to stand up and figure out how to be a productive, functioning member of society that isnt a drain on all the people around but a plus. Where people want you around because you add value and arent a drain.

I think people cant see it, so they cant understand it. I have heard SO SO many times that my mental illness is self induced and my fault. I agree it is my responsibility and I need to make efforts to manage myself and my illness but it is anything but imaginary. Same with being on the autistic spectrum, I didnt make myself like that I was born that way. The diagnosis for me had value in understanding myself better. And there is a HUGE range in functionality and abilities on the autistic spectrum. Same as there is a spectrum of severity with other mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline, etc. Usually it's locked by what is a normal amount because most people will have some anxiety without having anxiety or some depressive feelings that are not clinical or changes of mood that are also not clinical or prolonged periods of time. 

I talk about it because there is a stigma and truthfully I dont expect people to really understand or care, if they even read anything Ive written at all. But I talk about it because I dont know maybe it'll help someone accept themselves or help someone understand what someone they know is going through. 

But thank you! I am really proud of Ranja, she's a wonderful horse and her Mom is having success on her too. I teach her and help her. I like seeing them succeed together. She's quite tall 6'1 but very capable. 

And yes they do. It really is beautiful here! The horses are very happy 
---

Short update on Wonder's vet visit. I've been up since 0500, I am exhausted and didnt sleep last night. So no injection, no treatment because his joints and ligaments are fine and the problem is scarring from when he was castrated. He has spermatic cord adhesion. I cant find a whole lot on it besides an article from Germany associating hind leg lameness with spermadic cord adhesion. I need permission to access and want to. 

I am VERY happy to have an answer but I am wondering why has NO ONE ever mentioned this to me before. I have had a lot of diagnostic work done on this horse (x rays from poll to feet and all clean, ultrasound, treatment for ulcers, SI injection, PRP in both stifles, etc) and no one has EVER talked to me about him possibly having complications and scar tissue from castration and that causing problems in his hind end. 

The vet said given he has clean x rays (he looked) and the ultrasound showed no reason for their to be problems and with how even and symmetrical his muscle tone is from left to right. It being a stifle problem doesnt make sense. And given all the things we have treated him for he said I think we need to look at the possibility of him having a complication due to castration. So he did some tests and palpated Wonder, Wonder had a huge fit. He didnt attack him but he sure let him know. He also said he can tell because when he looks at the scar it indents inward and that's a bad sign. 

I talked to the vet quite a bit looking for answers about different behavior with Wonder and explained he does better with more demanding work. If I just do walk, trot, canter and do like serpentines and do not ask much from him he gets more and more tense and more and more like a steam engine vs if I ask him to do more demanding tasks that ask him to focus on a rider and listen he becomes calmer and more relaxed. Sometimes he acts out, asks questions, etc when learning but when he knows, he calms and relaxes but then sometimes tests. I talked about the tension, the irregular really hard to ride/manage rhythm and how hot and steam engine like he becomes and why sometimes he just takes over altogether like well I was good, now Ive decided I want to gallop. Have a nice life (he has ran away at some point with every rider whose ridden him). He said that doesnt surprise him at all given Wonder's temperament. He's quite an intense horse. He loves to work, he's not something that would be happy thrown in a pasture or as a hobby horse. And the vet said no a horse like that isnt a hobby horse, he needs an active job that demands something of him or he will act up and create his own stimulation. Said the surgery wont change his personality but likely will make him easier to ride and make development easier, as well as make Wonder happier.

So we are working on booking a surgery. Hopefully in two weeks. He said keep him in work. And Im very curious how this will make a difference, I hope it helps Wonder and makes the difference. It is expensive but worth it, I think. I really hope it makes him easier to ride and have a more regular rhythm and overall more ridable. Because he is so f8cking hard to ride. It gets exhausting, taught me an awful lot but if this makes him easier but keep his fire. That'd be awesome. I like sitting on a horse who feels like a ball of fire. I like fire hot and in an ideal world I wish Wonder were sensitive like Ranja but he is not that sensitive. I mean if I put someone on him and they put an aid on, he'd push into the pressure and not away from. Because you have to influence his mind, it isnt about the aid it's about the influence and knowing how to influence him. He's the kind of horse who if someone puts an aid on and he doesnt respect the person, he's just like nah not gonna. And if the rider insists then he fights back. He is the type that would rear and flip on someone. 

When we did this video we thought the issue was the stifle, so trying to stay on straightish lines, not too much lateral work or circles. But needed to keep him in work and fit because part of keeping a stifle healthy is the muscular conditioning. Riding his trot is very very hard. It isnt that it's just very bouncy (it is SO bouncy and rough) it's that you have to sit against him and ask him to keep with your seat and body so hard. You use so much core and back. As well as had when he pushes past your core and seat. It also takes a lot of leg not for forward. In dressage leg doesnt mean forward, it's more like bring your body into me and pick your shoulder up. Because that trot is so hard to ride and manage. Even here which mostly what I was doing was asking him to push off on the length and come back on the short, then sometimes pushing him through the corner and allowing the corner to help regulate that rhythm and for him to step large and keep rhythm. 






But sorta excited to have the okay to do lateral work again. Today we did shoulder in trot down the long side, half 10m circle half pass to the wall straight and shoulder in, 10m circle half pass to the wall. That really improved the quality of his bend and half pass and it made Wonder CHILL. Even in walk he was like WE ARE ON A MISSION, we go, every aids means go. We hacked out as well.

May introduce the canter again on Sunday. We hadnt been canter or doing laterals since seeing the vet the last time because we thought the issues was stifle. So we worked a workout plan with her on what to do.

Little bit of Magnus





Bit of Ranja from last week

More Ranja because the exercises are important. When I use bridle it is to keep her straight through the shoulder, I also guide with my position and leg. One big issue and I see it with every rider on her is she falls out the right shoulder and can use her body like a snake to curve into an S. I show this too because the exercises are so important. Leg yield, walk half pass, rein back, counter canter. And another thing when she does come behind, I do not lengthen my rein. I sit her back and use my leg to bring her shoulder and neck up. But my priority is keeping the straightness through her shoulders and her truly meeting contact. Counter canter really helps improve the canter. Big fan. As well as shoulder in. On a horse like this, she knows haunches in but because she is so flexible in her body. I school more shoulder in to improve straightness, acceptance of the aids, and get her better at accepting and following my position. I want her to ride more like one straight line in her body. It is not perfect every step but in training it is important to do exercises and progress. You dont just do walk, trot, canter all the time and go oh boy I hope this next trot will be it.

Difference between experienced suggestion vs inexperienced. When she ducks behind, experienced rider says sit her croup down and lift her shoulder, add leg. Inexperienced says lengthen the reins.

I am a little upset, another girl rode her in a jumping lesson and picked a fight with her (her owners were not happy about this either). Ranja is very sensitive, very emotional. She cannot be rough handled. Everything has to be an ask and conversation with encouragement. She doesnt handle strong aids well. Have to be a very tactful, soft rider. I am upset because she basically said Ranja wasnt a smart horse and badly trained was why she couldnt ride her very well. I was so mad. Ranja is a good horse who is easy to ride, if you know how to work with her.


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## lostastirrup

Wonder looking so good with his saddle and low-key work. 


Sensitive horses are so hard if you don't know them amd their habits personally, they are yes sometimes bad, but 90% of the time it's just them being overwhelmed and escalating anything doesn't help. Poor Ranja. She seems like a sweet mare though and could possibly soldier on if provided enough cookies.


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## SueC

Hello, @DanteDressageNerd! Had some time to catch up with your photos, clips and thoughtful reflections.  Best of luck with Wonder's surgery. Magnus is so cute and I am very happy that you have him. And... brains are like exotic animals. They're very high-maintenance and need lots of TLC and looking after, especially if they are extra exotic! ;-) A big :hug: for your brain, and for you!


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## DanteDressageNerd

Thank you! He's coming around. I think this surgery is going to be a game changer and I hope open up and free his stride. I really hope it makes the difference because Wonder loves what he does and he tries so hard. He's a wonderful horse!

I agree completely. I think the problem is the girl is young and is a very good rider for her age and is used to being able to muscle or manipulate them into doing what she wants. Her main pony is half arabian mare and typical half arab personality, not easy, quite spicy. Sensitive but not Ranja sensitive. Ranja for example would never be a good kids horse or for a nervous AA. She needs someone who is confident but also very sensitive because if someone who doesnt know how to handle her rides her in a row she becomes this spooky, nervous basket of anxiety. And she'll go from there with you to leaping side ways 5m because you lost her focus for a second, then you get her mind engaged with you and she's amazing! Like for me or Nicolai, she stops the spooky behavior and because she trusts us stops worrying and relaxes. And then there isnt an issue and she's right there.

I think the girl doesnt know how to engage the horse's mind. She isnt a bad rider at all. Ranja needs to be engaged mentally and know you're there for her. Inspire confidence in her, not every rider has that skill. Nicolai has that and his brother is an international GP jumper but he cant inspire confidence like Nicolai can. I was also teaching her mom how to use breathing control and energy to influence Ranja and how to project mental pictures. Makes a difference.

I could go on all day about how amazing Ranja is and how nice she is to work with :lol: I love that horse. She isnt as talented as Wonder but she has an amazing mind and work ethic. She is so smart and she doesnt use her mind against you like Wonder, she doesnt bully you. She is an absolute pleasure to work with. She is so smart and tries so hard. When she threatens it's because she is asking questions or is scared, it isnt like Wonder where Wonder is like well should I respect you? Why should I respect you? **** you! But Wonder's gotten a lot better, I think he is a lot more agreeable and willing now. 

SueC- Thank you! Thoughts and prayers for the surgery to go well, and for him to come out of anesthesia well. Im nervous about it. I know it is what he needs but it still makes me nervous. 

Aww thank you, Magnus is a sweetheart. He's VERY curious and very mischievous but he is a good kitten. Sleep curled next to me every night 

But I agree entirely!! The extra exotic brain is not fun in terms of ownership and quality of life. I also think it makes finding a "life partner" very difficult, if and when I should decide to search. 

Been struggling a lot with depression and all that non sense. My thoughts basically go on about how Im a horrible person, I hate myself, assuming everyone hates me and everything I do is wrong. I cant get anything right. Im useless, ugly, stupid. Nothing I ever do is enough and I feel like anything bad is my fault. I know consciously it is not but my mind says otherwise. I start seeing paranoid scenarios and delusions. 

Just gotta ride it out. Fighting it doesnt work. 






Canter needs a lot more work, she needs a lot more strength and to improve the mechanics. I was asked if I might show her because the owner's would like to breed her and dressage scores help her.

Short canter duration, she isnt so strong





Example of a horse that Americans, low level riders and judges would love to see but would never do the higher level because she cant collect. I absolutely LOVE this mare, she is sensitive, hard working and just wonderful. 





Talked to a rider whose shown in Denmark her whole life, has competed high level, father is a big name etc, etc and we were talking about young horse competition and what she thought of the winners and horse's in the young horse classes and the differences in judging potential for a GP vs top young horse. She said the young horse championships will most likely be the highlight and end of their careers. Most of these young horses are pushed so hard for that competition and have to move so big and so elaborate they break down or cant collect enough to be successful at the GP. The top 5 hardly ever make it onto something else. Usually they sell for a lot of money and cant be kept sound or disappear. The horse's that might have competed in young horse championship classes might go on to an international career but it is usually not the horses in the top 5. It's the horses that needed more time to develop. Obviously there are exceptions but in general the top young horses dont become top international GP horses.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Well Wonder had his surgery, he's doing well. He definitely needed the surgery. The spermatic cords were restricting his range of motion in the hind end. The right one is shorter than the left one. I think this may be the source of some of the naughty, unpredictable behavior that made him very difficult. So I am quite curious how he'll change when we start working again. He has 5 days off and the vet would like as much detailed analysis of the changes I notice following the procedure. 

I'm back in university for Cognitive Science, so that's exciting. It seems a very nice group of people, all awkward and geeky so they're my kind of people! Im not so awkward as I once was but I could feel a lot of the autistic traits start to surface as time wore on. We are mostly socializing and getting to know one another this week. But anyways 10hrs of socialization really wore me out but the group of people is really nice. One of the girls was saying she was really nervous to go because she's used to girls being so petty and bullying each other and I said I understand. That is often how I feel when I enter and it's a room of women, are they going to be friends or petty, nasty and two faced? So far it seems fairly international and very small. I had no idea it was such a big deal to be accepted. I guess 460+ applicants and only 65 were accepted. But I will say this is the first time I've started a major and felt like this is it. Im quite excited to work on projects and in labs! First time Ive ever done a major because it actually interested me and made me curious. It's also nice because every one I've met seems very down to earth, highly intelligent, inquisitive and thoughtful. It's really nice, I think we'll all help each grow quite a lot! But I am the oldest. Most are around 22 but they're very level headed. 

I feel SO old, we were playing games and I did most of them but for some I was like. Im just letting you know I cant carry an extra body of weight because my right knee is very bad (I know I need surgery on it but Wonder had surgery, so I cant afford my own). I also have chronic tendenitis in my left hip flexor, a degenerative disk in my lower back, collapsed arches, etc, etc. Thank you Marine Corps. And yes I was very fit when I went it. I went to the gym 6x per week, ran around 20-30miles per week. I could split leg squat with 90lbs and lunges with like 110? I could throw guys weighing 180lbs like rag dolls once :lol: then came injury number 1, 2, 3, 4. I over trained and pushed myself too hard. I took pain is just weakness leaving the body a little too close to heart :lol: we're all young and dumb sometimes. Also funny they were saying they didnt get hang overs and I said just wait! I didnt until like 25-26, so dont take it for granted! I know Im not old but I feel old. Im old and and Im tired. 

Pictures are from a hack Wonder and I did a few days ago, we galloped AND he DID NOT run off!! I was so impressed. His behavior has honestly improved SO much since last year. He's still Wonder but I can reach him now and he doesnt just shut me out when he feels like it. He's not a "normal" horse, I dont think he'll ever be that but I think he's going to be the horse he wants to be and the horse Im fighting for him to be.

Ranja is doing really well. She jumped a 1.20 with Nicolai. She jumps so beautifully when he rides her, pure harmony! I asked Nicolai if he wanted to gallop Wonder for a real gallop and he was like oh yeah! Then I said the other part about the breaks being questionable and he was like no I want to live :lol: and I said yeah me too but Wonder would be so happy! Rule with Wonder we can trot, if he can stop. If he can trot and stop, we can canter. If he can canter and stop then we can gallop. But NEVER towards the stable or open fields. Open fields tend to trigger him. I also dont like galloping in the double

And Wonder is quite big :lol: he is 17h but he's built like a body builder. He's lean but I think you'd have to see him to life so see how muscular and toned he is. He's a beast.

Saddle fitters also come tomorrow. I am very excited. I told them I was nervous and they were like well we fit some of the greatest riders in the world. We do good work and I said that's why I contacted you! I want to be confident in the knowledge of people I trust to take care of me and my horse.

Then new shoes on Thursday. My brain is horrible at organizing information anyway. It's like pure chaos in there all the time! I get a lot of pictures and like walking through what happened, so it takes me a bit to translate. But I tend to remember what people say verbatim. Hard to explain. My brain is a wild animal.


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## lostastirrup

You and I started classes the same day! I'm glad it's interesting it really helps, have you ever taken something like a strengthsfinder exam? They are kinda neat to look at and see if you can get some intuition about yourself, I took one recent and laughed outright because it nailed my major mental drivers. 

If it helps any, a good proportion of my class is 30+, and a fair amount of those are 45+ who decided to go back to school. Since you are not in either of those categories I'd say you're still a young college kid, and when the classes are hard, it doesn't take a fresh out of highschool beer pong champion, it's those that have the grit and who are willing to hurt for their dreams that make it through. 

But in the spirit of college fun:





I was talking with a friend of mine, and we were talking about clever damaged horses, I told her it had honestly taken me 3 years to get Nick sorted out, and she said that with her mare it was similar, four years of work before the horse settled and wanted to work with her. I think Wonder is super smart and has his attitude, but he also probably didn't get consist kind work until he came to you, Nick I don't think was beat up more than is usual in Western horse starting tradition, but he carried the resentment and the fear for awhile because it was too much for his sensitivity. I think about your gallop and him deciding to come back, and not overpowering you even though he could, and it reminds why the partnership is probably the most important part of training/developing a horse, that and being able to meet the horse where they are at mentally and emotionally. I think a lot of horses that get passed around would have turned out broke and good if the riders and trainers had had some patience to ride through what the horse dealt out while it was trying to process. 
If I'm honest- I'm waiting on pins and needles to see what happens with you and Wonder in the next few months.


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## gottatrot

I love learning new things about horses, and this surgery Wonder has had was such a new thing for me to hear about. I'll be interested to see how he does afterward. It's great having yet another thing to consider physically with horses that are having resistance. 


lostastirrup said:


> I was talking with a friend of mine, and we were talking about clever damaged horses, I told her it had honestly taken me 3 years to get Nick sorted out, and she said that with her mare it was similar, four years of work before the horse settled and wanted to work with her. I think Wonder is super smart and has his attitude, but he also probably didn't get consist kind work until he came to you, Nick I don't think was beat up more than is usual in Western horse starting tradition, but he carried the resentment and the fear for awhile because it was too much for his sensitivity. I think about your gallop and him deciding to come back, and not overpowering you even though he could, and it reminds why the partnership is probably the most important part of training/developing a horse, that and being able to meet the horse where they are at mentally and emotionally. I think a lot of horses that get passed around would have turned out broke and good if the riders and trainers had had some patience to ride through what the horse dealt out while it was trying to process.


This is so true and so interesting. I'm making a lot of progress with Hero now too, and there are so many pieces to it all. 

You can't truly "restart" a horse. That's something I've been thinking about. I was watching some trainers starting horses, and I was realizing you can only give a horse new knowledge, you can't take old knowledge away. 

The horse that knows he can run through a bit and take off will never unlearn that. You can give him new information to build on, such as that he can trust you and you won't scare him, so eventually he won't feel the need to do that anymore. Or maybe you will give him the belief that a certain bit can hold him back. But you can't just take him into the arena and "start over" with the basics and have that old information disappear out of his head. He'll never be the same as a horse that had no bad start, no poor treatment, and no bad memories. 

But I almost feel like it's the opposite of what people say. They talk about horses that have missed steps, or holes in their training. So they say you should restart the horse. To me it's not like you're starting over from the beginning and filling in the gaps, it's more like you're unbuilding the horse. Before you give him new information such as trust and calmness, you have to get rid of the fear, the anger, the reactions to pain or poor handling. 

The horse will already have the information he's been given. You can't start from scratch, because he's already got building blocks in place. He'll keep all the blocks he already has, but what you have to do is take them down and rearrange them so they make a nicer structure.


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## Knave

That is an interesting thought @gottatrot. I guess I agree with you, although I never thought about it before. I might go work on some basic things I think a horse doesn’t know, or needs to revisit, but I’ve never thought of restarting a horse. I agree that they will always know what they know.

Some of those things seem to be battles you must overcome. Keno, for example, had as many negative tools to use against me as I had knowledge to respond too. I overcame all of his tricks except trying to bolt into objects. I tried all of my tools and I knew he had me beat my next ride. Each day he came out with a new twist, an idea to overcome my last training. He was a genius and an athlete and I couldn’t ride him anymore.

The guy who took him talked to me about him the other day. I think they finally overcame the issue. He put him straight to work and worked him very hard. I was always too afraid to take him to work. That guy is half crazy so he just did it. The horse worked miles and miles, day after day, and eventually he just decided to stop trying to kill people and work with them. I am glad because a part of him I really liked.


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## lostastirrup

@gottatrot
_

But I almost feel like it's the opposite of what people say. They talk about horses that have missed steps, or holes in their training. So they say you should restart the horse. To me it's not like you're starting over from the beginning and filling in the gaps, it's more like you're unbuilding the horse. Before you give him new information such as trust and calmness, you have to get rid of the fear, the anger, the reactions to pain or poor handling. 

The horse will already have the information he's been given. You can't start from scratch, because he's already got building blocks in place. He'll keep all the blocks he already has, but what you have to do is take them down and rearrange them so they make a nicer structure.
_
Please take these beautiful insights and stick them in a book somewhere. That was seriously well put.


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## whisperbaby22

I liked what was said about just working the horse. Lots of horses need that consistent patient work to get through to them. A lot of problems with today's horses is that most people do not have the time to work the horse as much as it needs. Now most horses are pets, not transportation.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Grace- Interesting! No I have not taken the strengthfinder exam. Ive taken quite a few little tests but not that one. And I know! It's going to be a wild semester. Thankfully you are much closer to being done and I think will have a very promising future career 

**** too funny!! I love that here they dont have sororities or fraternities. They're very social and people have to work together and form groups but at least for my major of introverts the social stuff isnt a MUST, so I can make time for Wonder and my friends at the stable. 

Thank you for your insight and thoughtfulness  I think you are very right about the mental and emotional trauma in horses. I think when horses have a rough past it takes a while to figure out and work through the issues. They are not over night fixes but ones that take place in small steps over a long period of time. It's not instant success but coming further and I think a lot of people lack the patience and dont want to look bad, so they give up. Because people can be REALLY nasty and judgmental about things they just cant understand. I think it blows people's minds when what SHOULD work DOESNT work and they just DONT get it but think they know best. And sometimes you have to use unconventional methods that are ugly for a while but then give way to something good. I think it becomes a lot less straight forward with an especially intelligent horse and I think they always carry the memory of previous treatment and experiences. I know Nick is very smart too! 

I also think Ranja has softened him quite a lot. Ever since he's been turned out with her, rather than alone he's been a different horse. I dont know what changed but something changed. She's a good influence on him. And Nicolai says Ranja is more confident and self assured since she's been with Wonder. 

Im really wondering too! I really think it's going to make a difference. He's in the field so I saw him trot around some (Vet encouraged movement and turnout). It is the first time EVER he looked even left and right hind! He has always had a right hind hitch, since day 1 and the vets, trainers, everybody after all the evaluations we did said it's a strength issue.
________
Gottatrot- Absolutely. I really appreciate your insight and thoughtfulness! It's why I respect real horsemen and women of all disciplines with the experience and knowledge of a variety of unorthodox horses. I had never heard of it and neither had Pia, a very experienced Danish horsewoman. A real horsewoman. She is really excited to see how this works out, she says in her past she remembered very talented horses who didnt seem able to push the extra to be a GP horse and she was sure they could but something was off. She wonders if this was it. We'll see what happens! I cannot evaluate how it has affected him yet. 

I entirely agree! I dont think "Starting over" works. It's learning how to work with and develop the relationship with a horse, so that they LET you in. If a horse doesnt want to do something, they really dont have to. I think with especially clever horses who have been traumatized and regardless of if they act out in anger and aggression or fear or some combination of traits, the fixes are day by day, brick by brick and happen over a long period of time. I do not think there are any quick fixes with especially traumatized horses. 

I'm also really glad you're making progress with Hero too! I really think with these types of horse's it's day by day, brick by brick addressing the issues and having faith that it will eventually come. And always people will think they know best and could do a better job when reality is they'd probably make the situation worse and throw the horse away. These kinds in the wrong hands are easy to make unridable and dangerous or make the trauma and bad behavior way worse. It's really addressing the mind and I have a hard time describing that but reading energy, body language and changing the way a horse thinks about it in the small steps.

I've had people tell me if I had thrown Wonder in a field for a year there wouldnt be problems or if nothing was asked of him or if I just did A, B,C and I was like they dont get this horse or situation at all or people thought the problem with Wonder is how hot he is. And I was like if only how hot he is was the issue. They dont get the build up of emotional and psychological defenses he had or how strong, intelligent and willful Wonder is. He is the strongest horse Ive ever ridden and Nicolai who was an international GP rider said the same. He's been run off with on Wonder. He's so strong and when a horse is clever, willful and strong there is nothing a rider can do, regardless of skill, strength or anything else. 

I do not think this spermatic cord thing was the whole problem. I think there were a lot of parts and I think quite a significant amount is Wonder's high intelligence, power, strong will and past. 

But I really like how you think, it's not starting from scratch but taking the blocks already there, taking them down and rearranging them in a better way. I really like that! I agree with Grace, publish that insight! That is gold!
________

knave- Keno sounds like an interesting horse with an interesting situation. Sometimes it amazes me the methods that work on different horses. Some horses are just one of a kind or so unorthodox, it really takes a special person to work through it. And some cant be saved. I have one I gave up on as well because he was mean spirited and very nearly kicked my head in after months of good behavior. Then a bunch of people rode him and all had the same problems.
________

whisperbaby22- I agree. I think the problem is most riders and trainers are not really horsemen and women. They have surface knowledge but not deep knowledge and they dont really know or understand horses. And most people dont know the difference or care to. 

Christopher Bartle said the problem today is people just go out to ride their horses but they dont really understand horses. In the old days people used to have to farm and work with horses, so they had to be horsemen and women and get the best from their horses and know how they work and think to be productive and successful. Today horsemanship isnt really a skill people care to learn. 

I also think people get frustrated when they dont have instant success and do not have enough knowledge or faith in the process. They get scared, intimidated and think it's wrong when it isnt instantly fixed or pretty. And that just isnt so. Sometimes it gets ugly before it gets better but I also think a lot of people dont have the skill, timing or know how of how to open a can of worms and ride through it. I think most horses become challenging when asked to really do something vs just allowed to go around. I dont think it is possible to really ask for something and never have any kind of confrontation. Sometimes it is necessary to ride the fight and other times it is best to be tactful. It really depends and there is a fine line.

And truthfully most people and trainers cant really read the horse. Surface level understanding vs depth.
________

Im too exhausted to update :lol:

But Wonder is doing well, he is swollen around the sheath but he is on painkiller and anti inflammatory. He is supposed to go back to work tomorrow but I dont know. IF I ride him, which I dont think I will it will be out in the fields light hacking only at walk. The vet says movement is very important, so he is turned out and I am hand walking him. We've done some in hand and ground work because Wonder likes that. Played with a pool today and Wonder LOVES to spanish walk, he thinks he's so cool :lol: and he's gotten SO good at it. However I can tell he is sore because he isnt like a border collie. He's calm and that for Wonder usually means he hurts. 

Ranja is doing really well too. I was supposed to ride her today but there was a miscommunication, so I will ride her tomorrow. She's been jumping quite a bit and she is such a nice jumper. More talented as a jumper than dressage but that is because Nicolai is riding her. He is so incredibly good. He can reach into any horse and make them want to jump and jump well. Ranja is so spooky and sensitive, most people even skilled jumpers cannot jump her but Nicolai can. It also made me smile because he and Simone said they can really tell the difference I've made in her. It means a lot. They said she is much more confident, more relaxed and stronger. Nicolai said she's a lot better to ride. And that Im a really good rider and that Im really talented and that means a lot to me. It's nice to be appreciated. They're really impressed with how Wonder has come along too and believe in him like I do. They said they look at a horse's heart and read them, not just what you see but what the horse tells you is in their spirit to do. And that is how you pick a great horse. I said, I entirely agree. 

Please keep in mind this is Denmark and we'll just say they are not safety police. It's more like you want to die, go ahead. At your own risk, you are responsible. Drinking age for beer and wine is 16, for all else is 18.

Also some Magnus. He is such a playful, mischievous and sweet little cat.6+


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## whisperbaby22

Ha! I nearly got creamed by one such rider just last week. I live in a corner of the world that has fine aztecas, friesians and andys. A lot of stallions on the trail. Most of these guys are expert, but all this culture and money creates some wanna bes. OK, so I am just starting out and the guy on the high dollar stallion in front of me lets his horse stumble in a rut and go down. Well, accidents happen. I don't know the horse, but to my eye, what happened is that the horse jumped up and was spooked by the big vaquero saddle flapping around. If I had been 5 minutes ahead of this I would have been in a crash. 

This guy had the outfit, the horse, and all of the accoutremonts, but not the knowledge to properly ground train this horse. He'd never been round penned with the saddle on and was a out of control freight train on that trail, I could see by the dust trail. I've been nervous about that trail since.


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> I feel SO old, we were playing games and I did most of them but for some I was like. Im just letting you know I cant carry an extra body of weight because my right knee is very bad (I know I need surgery on it but Wonder had surgery, so I cant afford my own). I also have chronic tendenitis in my left hip flexor, a degenerative disk in my lower back, collapsed arches, etc, etc.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Just the way you're telling this story! It's such a déjà vu! Sorry about your various ailments, and hope you can get them seen to / DIY as best as possible, and typical that the animals get surgery before we do.

Would you feel better if we all listed our various ailments? ;-) Who would like to start? Mine would take a while, but should be satisfying to compare yourself to! :Angel:

Did you ever see Grumpy Old Men / Women? That's meant to be for 40+, but Brett and I watched that in our 30s and said, "Yes, that's us, where can we buy the T-shirt?"






Great to hear you're feeling good with your change of major! And hope Wonder heals up quickly!


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- Yikes!! That sounds really scary! It's like in the warm up arena where people lack the education and ability to communicate to move safely within the arena. It can lead to some bad accidents. I remember last time I showed on Dante having to watch out for people on schoolmasters who couldnt pay attention or steer, they were so busy looking at their horse's neck and scared me because I rode a horse who had been crashed into from people not paying attention and he had SO much fear of horses oncoming. The horse with the fear was 18.2h

It's a shame horsemanship and really understanding horses is no longer a value!
_________

Sue- haha you should hear some of my comedy but I absolutely cannot post it here or I'd be kicked off for sure :lol: way too adult and inappropriate. Would not tell the act in front of my parents.

Thank you! I really enjoy that and identify with it SO much. There are a lot of things not to understand and to get a bit grumpy about :lol: Im less dissapointed in Denmark though. Danes are not a politically correct people, they are polite but they dont let it get in the way of scientific advancement or discovery. They're a lot less egocentric and believe the way to the top is by bringing everyone up, not just themselves. They dont think in well only one person can be good and they must tear down the competition. They think well we cant both be good and make each other better.

Haha sure! You give me hope in what to look forward to! List thy ailments :lol: 
_________

I'm pretty tired. 

Yesterday we had a really good lessons and sadly no video. My friend who said she could, ended up quite sick and needed to stay home and another friend was busy. So not this week but hopefully our next lesson. I was quite sad because Wonder was so good. 

Yesterday we worked on passage trot and some piaffe. More collected work which Wonder did quite well. 

it was a really good lesson. We worked a lot on passage trot and some piaffe with Wonder to help him with passage. We got some forward piaffe instead of passage and Mads was like that isnt passage. Piaffe or passage, not in between. He didn't passage, passage but like trot with intro to passage. He said I'd done a good job developing Wonder and now says dont worry about what his hind legs are doing. I don't care if he tracks up, he's correct and active from behind. More forward and for piaffe, push from the legs in piaffe. Just finger touch for more on spot. Forward into collection but slow him down, activity but slow. Just the transitions between different trots and emphasize it in him. Did some half pass and shoulder in and haunches in on a circle. Walk pirouette, etc.

Did some canter. Nothing hard just Wonder stay with my seat and dont push past my hand and riding through it. Making more jump in the canter without speed. Very hard, in split second timing. If my timing was off then Wonder was a ferrari into the next city. But is nice I can ride him a bit more like a normal horse. So I have access to some of my normal tools, I couldnt use before. On Ranja I have her canter much more up and more lift in shoulder from how I use my seat. I've been told I can create extravagant paces in horses with blah movement (ex Ranja) because of the power in my core and seat and timing between my legs and hands. I am proud of that because I've worked hard to develop these skills. It's nice when it is recognized.

I told Mads some things people had said about my riding and Wonder (in US, not Dk) and he chuckled and said sounds like low level riders who will never have a GP horse. He said this will be a high level horse and this is what we need to do to get him there. Dont ride him with a low level mind set (Low level here is 3rd and below) or expectations, he said you are an upper level rider and need to enforce that expectation in yourself and in Wonder. It really meant a lot to me because Mads wont compliment or say something, unless he means it. If something is ****, he'll say it and then say how to make it better. He also doesnt dis low level riding or riders but for Wonder and I, we are headed for the GP and that is a different expectation and course. Wonder is 3rd level but Mads is more like this is one you keep out of the show ring for now and save for later. I loved the lesson, it was a lot of detail work in the trot. Wonder is getting the idea for passage and that is what will make his trot and all the exercises better.

I talked to Karla (my friend on the national team schools PSG-I1) said well yeah because Mads sees for Wonder to produce extension, he needs more work in collection. He needs the strength to help him. Karla's horse she developed has the same thing in the trot. Built for collection and now he has a brilliant extension but she said it took a ton of time. Mads said dont look at his legs the next 6 months, it's not going to be that pretty but after that it'll be something. Karla inspires me so much. She is such a nice rider with a difficult horse she made herself. She is also partially paralyzed from the waist down and yet can ride like she can. So amazing. 

Vet was unconcerned about the swelling around Wonder's sheath. Said if he is happy, eating, and has no fever, not to worry. I wish we could turn him out over night, he needs movement to keep swelling down. Was also looking up and Wonder's sheath, taking pictures and someone was staring at me like pervert. What are you doing? :lol: nope. Just sending these to the vet.

I feel happy, it's a rare feeling but it is really good to have people like Karla and Mads and Simone and Nicolai that believe in me and ln Wonder. It means a lot. Most times I am not a happy person. Lots of pain and anger inside but there are moments like this where I feel happy and I feel hope.
I really like watching this horse and rider. I think the commentators are very good. I think this is quite a hard, hot horse to ride and the rider does a really nice job but I can see how hard the mare pulls and doesnt back off and how well she rides through it. A lot of horse's at this level are tense and very hard to ride. It is a different sort of horse and different sort of expectation between the low level horse and the high level horse and it is a different horse that thrives. Relaxation is always a goal but sometimes you dont get it. And it's not that this horse was trained incorrectly or bad. It's a very good rider who cant let go because the horse is pushing past her seat and aids and not backing off. You can tell the horse "knows" but it is not one of those days where she will. It's like holding back a frake train. And this is a VERY good rider to negotiate and ride through that. Very tough.





this one describes everything Ive ever wanted to tell people




This is also really true. It took me a long time to understand sarcasm and metaphors and not taking things literally and trying to figure out what expressions mean. I would read books and hear “colorful” language and go to my parents and ask what does this mean? And I remember other classmates calling me stupid because I didn’t understand. I’ve been called stupid and retarded a lot. I’ve been called a lot of things that I know weren’t true but it didn’t hurt less. Understanding facial gestures, tones and the “unwritten” social rules took a LOT of work. I like what someone says about things people just do and know instinctually, autistic people have to do manually. I also agree about copying and pasting, I did that a lot.





Yesterday I was so worn out from translating how I experience the world (pictures and sensory in my mind) to words that I was totally useless to communicate during the lesson. I was like yeah, okay.

It also blows my mind that some people actually think talking about mental illness, genuine feelings or having autism is self pitty. Im like seriously, get over yourself @ss hole. It's about explaining another view point and giving people something to think about if they care enough to think. Not a pitty party or asking for sympathy. Sometimes it's just communication. High time people can actually be honest and introspective than wear a mask because people lack dimension or reasoning.

I cant stand narrow minded, black and white thinkers who cant possibly consider another perspective other than their own. Or actually get a person's motivation for doing things. But some people only see their side and dont bother thinking because it's easier to assume than to ASK.

In general I am not a happy person and I am OKAY with that. I am quite bitter, I am angry, I am cynical. But if someone were around me, they would never see that because I dont want people to know the things I know. I dont want them to know the sort of pain I do. Why I tend to be comedic, friendly, and open. But also very shy. I have times where I hide from everyone because I dont have the energy to deal with other people's energy, my own experience of the world and then also translate it into words.

I talked to my Professor (cognition and communications) yesterday about words dont really mean much to me and it takes a lot more work for me to paint a picture in my mind but once it is there, I have a working understanding and can see it in my head. How things piece together and project many steps ahead. But it takes me more time and Im slow to learn.

I'm passionate about cognitive science and a big part of that is because of the things I have experienced that I dont want someone else to ever have to go through. I want people in general to be educated and actually understand each other, as well as how to help people who dont fit in the box understand themselves. So that everyone can be successful. I also think with autistics, it is important to let them fixate on what they're good at and not focus on making the mind balanced. Manners are essential but I think the brain is quite specialized for people on the spectrum and there will be better work success if they are allowed to fixate on their passions. Doesnt mean dont expand at all but 

I also think of things in the details. I can see things other people cannot see because my brain is different and how I put pieces of a puzzle together is different. I learn things in a different order and way. I think my thinking is more bottom up than top down. Because I see things other people dont see, sometimes they call it excuses and then eventually realize I was right. And being objective in what I saw. I think I've been misunderstood a lot and I guess now I dont really care as much. People either want to understand or judge and you cant convince a judger to understand, so why waste time on them? And that is something I really like about Denmark, people aim to understand rather than judge. The idea is not that one can only succeed at another's expense. It's that in order to succeed, we need to see everyone do well and make each other better. That is the biggest difference I notice. Other thing is people dont go well I have an opinion, so therefore I am right. It is I have an opinion, what do you think?


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## SueC

DanteDressageNerd said:


> Thank you! I really enjoy that and identify with it SO much. There are a lot of things not to understand and to get a bit grumpy about :lol: Im less dissapointed in Denmark though. Danes are not a politically correct people, they are polite but they dont let it get in the way of scientific advancement or discovery. They're a lot less egocentric and believe the way to the top is by bringing everyone up, not just themselves. They dont think in well only one person can be good and they must tear down the competition. They think well we cant both be good and make each other better.


I much prefer that teamwork philosophy to the "hooray for me, to hell with everybody else" attitude of extreme capitalism. I miss it, and still feel very European.




> Haha sure! You give me hope in what to look forward to! List thy ailments :lol:


It's not as bad as I thought it would be, actually!  In my late 20s I already had a lumbar injury and a left knee injury from horse riding accidents - the former still fine if I do regular Pilates, the latter just weather forecasts every now and then. And if people think that should put a person off horses, I like to point out that footballers and tennis players tend to have more injuries than I had, on the verge of 30.

The back injury simply needs even more TLC and preventative exercise as I have gotten older - it's easier to re-injure if I'm not careful / proactive with exercise and posture.

I kind of started really feeling the arthritis in my finger joints in my early 40s, but for some reason it doesn't bother me as much now I'm in my late 40s - there seems to be some regenerative capacity. We were mid house build when I really felt that the worst. The house we live in now never gets cold; this is likely a factor. It was 20 degrees C in here this morning and I was amazed to see that the fields outside were white with a late frost. The house sucks up the sun in winter and stores it all night in its thermal mass. Hooray for using your own head to design something better than what "experts" will make for you. You've got an excellent head on your shoulders, @DanteDressageNerd, and you will find that this will be so much in your advantage if you use that brain of yours to make good life decisions, and to design methods for yourself for all sorts of applications. My education did get me professional work I really enjoyed (before we down-shifted and became quasi-hippies), but it has been even more valuable in terms of looking critically at how I live my life, and coming up with solutions to problems. My health has really benefitted, both physically and mentally/emotionally; and I've always lived quite differently to the mainstream - even more so now. A lot of people dream about doing different things from the masses; we've gone and done it, and you too will find it easier to do your own thing and find happiness, because like us you're already an outlier, and because you are a deep thinker.

Back to ailments. :Angel: Grey hair isn't really an ailment, and there's these bottles you can get in the supermarket so you can have any hair colour you want. The skin gets a bit wrinklier and more damaged - especially here in Australia with that UV - but we think elephants are beautiful, with all their wrinkles, and why the double standard, say I. And anyway, in our mid-40s we were losing our lens elasticity, so that this probably helped us not to see the little things like extra wrinkles and broken capillaries etc - sort of like a soft focus lens! ;-) But because we love reading and it was getting ridiculous, we both got reading glasses earlier this year. It's not a great hardship.

I didn't notice any loss of fitness until around 40, and it's easier to lose fitness now and harder to get it back, but we just made it a priority, because it underpins health and also we love hiking as a recreation. That's why you thought we were on holidays - because we made a concerted effort to get back into serious walking, after recovering from a bad bout of flu that had us on bed rest for two weeks! Anyway, we still are so much fitter than the average 25-year-old.

Girl stuff (and this is where sensitive people need to skip the paragraph): I was rather shocked to find I had hit menopause a decade earlier than average, in my early 40s. But, it had nothing to do with healthy lifestyle, turns out it runs in families. Some women have surgical menopauses in their 20s and 30s due to ovarian cancer / ovarian cancer risk, and the way that is managed is by fairly specific HRT, which I went on - not the standard treatment they tend to give to 50+, but just enough to stop your girl bits from shrivelling up, which they otherwise can do. For me, that's a half-tablet only each day of the lowest-dose contraceptive pill on the market, plus a little transdermal testosterone - not enough to grow a beard or get acne, just enough to address the deficit from not making enough of my own anymore. Testosterone levels halve in women between ages 20 and 40 and as this is a major hormone for muscle building, muscle tone, motivation to exercise, libido and general get-up-and-go, doctors are starting to re-think HRT to include testosterone. I was a self-volunteered guinea pig for that, because the biggest issues I had with the hormonal drop were that I had a few months where I could barely get out of bed, I just felt so exhausted all the time; and I was feeling hot and cold all the time, plus I could no longer remember what a libido felt like, and was getting atrophy of the vagina and breasts. HRT completely turned that around, and within a fortnight. We kept tweaking it, basically to less and less - I don't feel the need to be on pregnancy-simulating female hormone levels, as per birth control pill, and it was giving me one size up breasts compared to normal for me, so in the end I just split the pills down the middle with a nail file to halve my dose, and now everything is the size it was before, and works pretty much as it did before, and being in my body feels very much like it did in my 20s and 30s.

The body does learn to compensate, and makes steroid hormones in other places than the ovaries, but I can taper down the doses again if necessary, and it's pretty simple to work out if that's necessary, because with female hormones, you won't fit in your bra if you're getting more than you used to, and with testosterone you'll break out in spots and, if that doesn't warn you enough, get darker, thicker body hair than normal.

It's kind of funny to deconstruct your life in hormonal terms: "Ah, so this one made me feel like this and did XYZ to my body! And that one was responsible for that!" :rofl:

Anyway, the take-home message is, I would tell my younger self not to worry about being in your 30s or 40s or pushing 50; I think the media and popular culture give a very unbalanced view of what that is really like. I feel very good most of the time, and am enjoying life more than ever. 

:gallop::gallop::gallop:​


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## SueC

(I had to chop this reply up because I had vastly exceeded the standard emoji allowance of 14 per post...)

I'm glad you are enjoying your riding, and that Wonder continues to learn and develop with you. :blueunicorn: It's nice to follow your progress. Your trainer sounds great - and he's totally right that you have to believe in yourself and your horse, and that most of the criticisms come from people who actually have no idea. This is true not just for riding, as you have probably already discovered yourself on various front. It's funny that people performing at average levels tend to have more confidence than people performing at higher levels, and often feel they "know better" and tell you so.

Karla also sounds amazing. Seems you are meeting some really lovely people in Denmark! 

You could have some fun with the "What are you doing?" people when you take medical photos of your horse's boy bits - pretend you are taking pictures to send to a niche magazine! :rofl: That'll stop'em in their tracks! :Angel:




> I feel happy, it's a rare feeling but it is really good to have people like Karla and Mads and Simone and Nicolai that believe in me and ln Wonder. It means a lot. Most times I am not a happy person. Lots of pain and anger inside but there are moments like this where I feel happy and I feel hope.


If you're anything like Brett and me - also outliers - then your 20s will be your most challenging and lonely time, but you will accrue real friends cumulatively, as you are now, and become more confident in your right to exist etc. We do need other people because we are social creatures, but this is often hard for people who definitely aren't sheep, early on in life. What happens as life progresses is that you find more black sheep, more like you! And you might even marry one! :Angel:

I'm enjoying your autism explorations, clips etc. We're not neurotypical either, and it's interesting to see similarities and differences. Brett and I both get extra annoyed by tags in clothing, seeds in socks etc - a far bigger deal than for typical people. Also we can't listen to music when eating, or we won't be able to taste the food like we want to. Things like that. We also get deeply into our areas of interest, which are quite wide as well, so we really wouldn't get bored if we had 1000 years to live, and can't understand how anyone does. Our brains are very interactive and very much on, a lot of the time. We enjoy the particular brains we have, more so now than earlier on in our lives. And of course there is neuroplasticity - the ability to keep learning new things, and to make new synaptic connections, all your life if you actually use your brain. Brains and muscles have in common that if you don't exercise them properly, they turn into custard...




> I can be very perceptive in some ways and quite blind in others.


And this is also true for neurotypical people, of course. There's so much they don't see, either, but unfortunately often they don't understand what they are missing, while autistic/Aspie people are constantly reminded what they are missing! :smile:

It's a different perspective. And if you're motivated to learn, you can learn the missing stuff, which is great. And some of it, I don't want to learn, like being two-faced, or thinking one thing and saying another, and not being honest.




> This is also really true. It took me a long time to understand sarcasm and metaphors and not taking things literally and trying to figure out what expressions mean.


While neither of us had an issue with sarcasm and metaphors, we both had parts of our brains very much amused by the difference between literal meanings, and more complex meanings. We're rather pedantic, and have fun being so. 




> I would read books and hear “colorful” language and go to my parents and ask what does this mean? And I remember other classmates calling me stupid because I didn’t understand. I’ve been called stupid and retarded a lot. I’ve been called a lot of things that I know weren’t true but it didn’t hurt less.


Yeah, I was pretty innocent for a long time, but it's hard to know how much of that was genetic, and how much that I didn't have healthy social modelling or honest discussion of things in my family of origin. I remember, for instance, hearing the song _Let's Go To Bed_ when I was eleven, and thinking, "Yeah, I like sleeping too!"  But I kind of think that's preferable to the early sexualisation of children these days - I sort of think it's nice to have a childhood.

I also remember two jokes our Biology teacher told us when I was 15. One was, "Why does Humpty Dumpty no longer fall off the wall?" The answer to that was, "Because now he has a girlfriend, and he's always knocking her off." And the whole class except me was laughing, and I was looking around going, "What's so funny about him pushing his girlfriend off the wall? That's really mean!" Of course, I was ESL and "knocking someone off" was a colloquialism I was unfamiliar with until someone explained it to me! :rofl:

His other joke I got just fine, and I'll share it with you because I think it's hilarious: "How many condoms can you make from a used car tyre? ...365 if it's a _Goodyear_." :Angel:




> Understanding facial gestures, tones and the “unwritten” social rules took a LOT of work. I like what someone says about things people just do and know instinctually, autistic people have to do manually. I also agree about copying and pasting, I did that a lot.


I had to copy and paste a lot because I didn't see appropriate behaviours modelled in my family of origin very much. I wanted to get on with people, and you're not going to if you follow your parents' examples and yell at other people and think they should be able to read your mind, or you hit people who think differently from yourself, or who are crying because distressed; or if the world is always revolving around you, etc. So early on, I was actively looking out for adults whose behaviour I liked, to learn from. Thankfully, they were around, especially in the form of my super-nice, super-warm, very accomplished Year 1/2 teacher; also strangers on buses! Also reading books - novels which examined human behaviour, the human experience; biographies by nice people - e.g. James Herriot's _All Creatures Great And Small_. I liked many of his values, from childhood! I was drawn to people like that, and to characters who acted honourably.

But really, all early human socialisation is _monkey see - monkey do_. I think you just have to do it more consciously if you have autism, or if the monkeys in your first household aren't the best role models. That makes you more aware of the process, and can lead you to question, "But is that really me, or am I acting?" It's you if you intellectually and emotionally desire to behave in certain ways, and to be a particular sort of person. We all try out roles, and some of them stick - just most people do it before they are particularly conscious of it, and perhaps never get that aware of it. The nice thing is that if you're aware of it, you have an easier time becoming the kind of person you would like to be. 




> It also blows my mind that some people actually think talking about mental illness, genuine feelings or having autism is self pitty. Im like seriously, get over yourself @ss hole. It's about explaining another view point and giving people something to think about if they care enough to think. Not a pitty party or asking for sympathy. Sometimes it's just communication. High time people can actually be honest and introspective than wear a mask because people lack dimension or reasoning.


Yeah, great points! It's harder for typical people, and especially conformists, prone to peer pressure, media pressure etc, to understand that they have choices over who they are and what they do and how much they can grow, and a lot of typical people are actually quite undifferentiated, morally, intellectually, emotionally. Yet paradoxically, the confidence (of safety in numbers and in conformity) is usually with them, until the non-neurotypical have lived enough life to see that this is the case. :smile:




> I cant stand narrow minded, black and white thinkers who cant possibly consider another perspective other than their own. Or actually get a person's motivation for doing things. But some people only see their side and dont bother thinking because it's easier to assume than to ASK.


So you tell me, which is the real disability? :smile:


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## SueC

And a little PS on this:

_Quote:
I would read books and hear “colorful” language and go to my parents and ask what does this mean? And I remember other classmates calling me stupid because I didn’t understand. I’ve been called stupid and retarded a lot. I’ve been called a lot of things that I know weren’t true but it didn’t hurt less.
_

A few months ago, @Knave sent me a song that she thought would make a good fit for what I had experienced, and she was 100% spot on. It was such a good fit, I cried listening to it, and still tear up when I hear it. It's a great anthem, and in case you don't know it yet, I want to pass it on to you.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Sue I'll respond appropriately in good time! We have talked and had good talks 

University is going really well. I LOVE it. Maybe considering eventually going for a PHD, I LOVE this and want to get into research.

What is consciousness? How do we define perception? Can we accept our perception as true? To what degree to human's synchronize with one another when engaging in conversation?

Where is the line between arrogant and confident?

My Professor asked me if Id be interested in writing a real scientific, published paper and I accepted. Dont know if the offer is still on but Im scared. Going to be a real challenge using real scientific data.

Just updating on what's going on

Surgery has made a HUGE difference, it's going to take time to see the full scope of the difference it has made but his hind end is TOTALLY different in the trot and it's going to continue to change a lot. He is really starting to move side to side in his back and able to bring his hind legs under him in a way he never could. However as a consequence he is also even BOUNCIER than before and he was REALLY bouncy. I have to grab the ring of my surcingle sometimes to sit the trot because it is SO big and so rough. His canter isnt so rough but the trot is honestly the most uncomfortable trot I have ever ridden in my life. I DONT know why it is so awful but it makes Dante or Magellan or any of those horses feel like what I imagine a flying carpet feels like. 

Wonder hasnt had turnout last few days because it has been non stop rain and mud fields. So we've had a lot of free walk only rides. yestreday we managed to hack and Wonder was quite explosive :lol: we galloped and played in the field. Just making it fun without pressure. I love that I can do that now. A few months ago, I really think we both would have ended up dead because he is such an intense, willful personality he doesnt know how to back off and listen. Even for safety hence why he has bolted and crashed through a fence. His hoof is healing beautifully. He actually has great feet and could stay sound barefoot but he has prior injuries and needs the support and structure from the shoes for longevity. Farrier said basically barefoot is best for the hoof but not necessarily the structure of the horse.

Saddle, Wonder needs a new and customized saddle. It is only 100usd extra. So We still have time until we get it. Problem is Wonder has a very small saddle placement, so need a smaller saddle and I get so stunned when I'm called a tiny girl and a small girl. Especially because most of my life I've been described as big or fat or built like a brick sh*t house. So to be described as a tiny girl who doesnt need an american size saddle. I was like what? What do you mean Im a tiny girl? Was just strange to hear

Also Ranja. Took saddle off because it wasnt sitting right on her and making her unhappy. Ranja is basically like riding a snake. Her evasion is go on 4 tracks, she was quite angry with me when I corrected her lol. 






Even though Ranja is a jumper, she actually doesnt have 
a lead change which is something her Dad asked me to put into her because she usually cross fires into a change. I think in some ways Ranja is easier and in others harder in the change. You have to ride it really precisely and be spot on not just in timing but also really have that outside rein to support her through. But she stays in rhythm. Vs Wonder tends to push past my seat and rush into the change pushing down on the forehand like WOO HOO we did it and Im like yeah that's great. Can you remember Im here?









Walk to counter canter. Because Ranja is a snake and is difficult to ride straight and through with her body all going in one direction. Counter canter is REALLY essential, especially for improving the mechanics of her canter. She has quite a down canter that need more lift 





Some Wonder undersaddle after surgery





Will get proper trot video of us seriously riding hopefully soon. He's FINALLY EVEN behind and actually swinging through his back and his legs. The difference is AMAZING! Im so excited. I actually think with time we could get 7s and 8s on his extended trot which before I was like well it's just always going to be his weak spot and we'll focus on collective marks which is where he'll excel. I still think piaffe, passage, pirouette will be where he scores best. I think he'll do well in half pass and laterals too. But he can extend and move through his body in a way he never has before.

I would REALLY like a saddle. I feel like I cannot organize or use myself correctly. I really need support, his trot is AWFUL. Like out of 100s horse I've ridden, even horses whose trots I thought were so uncomfortable are WAY more comfortable than Wonder's. It is awful lol. But I cant use my leg well enough and with a horse like Wonder or Ranja where they're quite spicy you NEED leg. I feel like I use way more leg on a hot horse than a dull one. If a horse is dull I dont want to use leg, on a horse that is overly forward I use a lot of leg to organize and bring the back up. It's hard to explain but I use a lot more leg organizing a hot horse than I do a dull one. I often say how I can tell how hot a horse is, is partially the tension in the body and how the rider uses the legs. I notice a lot of amateurs are afraid to use leg on a horse they feel is overly reactive and Im like you have to use leg and be effective with it. That's how to effectively ride and bring down a hot horse. When in doubt use leg :lol: 

It's also interesting to me because Im realizing a lot of people only see the surface but dont see the depth. Like they cant see why something is happening or degree of skill. It's amazing to me the extent that Im just unaware.

Anyways other reason I really want a saddle is so I can post trot while Wonder learns to use his new body and muscle up. 

I have also lost a bit of weight. I weigh 136lbs at 5'7 and have a 24-25in waist. I am trying to eat more. I actually add egg to my coffee and that seems to help. I dont especially enjoy eating, so I kinda just eat to stay alive. And I dont have a spare money atm, so it sort of saves me money. I also almost never eat out and dont have an alcohol habit. I EAT, I just dont eat a lot. Trying to up fats some too.

Next lesson will likely be next Monday, not the coming one which makes me sad. I hoped this Monday but cant get enough people on board for him to come to us that day. Something to understand also is our training goal is not to show a level each year, it's overall bringing Wonder to the GP. So we dont focus strictly on meeting criteria of a certain level. Our training goals are overall what brings this horse to meet that criteria and will bring him to the GP. Which is why we probably wont show until Wonder is ready to walk into PSG. It is why we work on things like piaffe and passage in our lessons and not just well he needs to be more relaxed or he needs to be more supple. It's like well we're working on that but also know to get that and the rhythm and movement through the back he is one that needs the piaffe/passage. PLUS he's schooling medium. So it's the time for that.


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## egrogan

So nice to hear! It's wonderful you'll get to work on the paper with your professor- it's a really great experience and, when grad school is done right, the kind of mentoring you receive working as part of a research team is invaluable. I knew when I was getting my PhD I wanted to do applied research, not teach at a university, and was fortunate to work on a variety of research projects in my field but on fairly different topics- different research methods, different statistical techniques, different research base. I was lucky to get a truly inter-disciplinary experience. It amazes me when I'm hiring analysts now and they have worked on the same topic for years with very little curiosity about alternative ways of thinking about a problem. All that to say- jump on to projects when you can and use it as an opportunity to figure out what you are drawn to, both from a content and methods perspective.


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## DanteDressageNerd

SueC- it's amazing the difference hormone levels make in the mind and body! I imagine they are becoming a bit "smarter" about the female system but seriously until the 90s almost all cardiac research was done on men they couldn't imagine that the physiology on women is different! Same with mental health. It's interesting to me. But I think now they're trying to even the floor. But it's hard.

I agree a lot with you about conformity. It's like in the US I find people, especially ones who try to claim how "nice" they are LOVE to attack others and take more pleasure tearing someone down than building someone up or actually being helpful. It's amusing to me because I can tell who are the 2D thinkers vs the 3D vs the beyond thinkers. I dont pretend to be that nice, I wouldnt call myself that nice but I can say most of my time isnt spent condemning so and so because they didnt do something the way I thought they should.

I also agree that mind set is a huge handicap and I think they are always blind to it and that's fine. Not everyone can be a rebel, I dont think society would operate as efficiently if everyone stood around saying what is perception? Is what Im seeing reality? And you know actually thought :lol: 

I think a lot of human communication is monkey see, monkey do! But when we're older learning it, it is more on a conscious level. Right now we're learning about how humans learn and develop language and the theories behind the evolution of language.

I also agree about conformity. I tried to reach out to some old friends to congratulate them on their recent accomplishments. Genuinely being happy for them and I was surprised to be met with coldness. So I've decided okay, guess I wont bother, f*ck you too! And I realize the moment you start walking your own path, thinking for yourself and standing for your principles. A lot of people back away because they are uncomfortable. They're also the same ones who are never happy for your successes. They're the types who could see you make a big improvement and still say it's sh*t even though they cant do half as well. So I've cut those types out too.

I also remembered why I've cut ties to a lot of people. I realized how petty and two faced they are. They only accept you as long as you kiss their @ss and tell them what they want to hear but when you think for yourself and do your own thing based on what is right for you, then they're not there and you realize they were never really your friends to begin with. It was friendship of convenience. Not affection or compassion. I also realized some people are only your friends as long as they can feel superior over you, they cant stand seeing your success or actually be happy for you when things go well. But they love when you suffer or are struggling, so they can feel superior. Cut those people off too. 

And then I realized how prevalent jealousy and insecurity are in people. A lot of times they go hand in hand together. The people who supported you when you were low, often arent there when you rise up and overcome. That is something that I'll say really shocks me. I used to tell people the thing women hate seeing most in another woman is self confidence and belief in herself. As well as success and that really disturbs me. I am not like that and the women in my life now dont seem that way but Ive lost some friends because they couldnt stand to see me with self esteem or couldnt stand to see me succeed in some way. Liked me when they could look down on me and sit up on a high horse but not when I started standing for myself, standing my ground, defending myself and talking back.

Egrogan- I didnt realize you had your PHD that is awesome! I think variety and multiple disciplines and thought processes to pull from really help with innovation and originality. I think thinking things through and being objective and asking questions is really important!! 

I wonder why there is a lack of curiosity in your field.
-----
Basic update

So Wonder was doing great. We went out on roads and track because Im told trotting out on the road is really good for strengthening their legs and it's good for Wonder to get out of the arena and explore more of our area. I also feel safe on Wonder now. He's not going to bolt. 

But now he is in the horse hospital with an infection. Yesterday I was terrified because he was unable to pee and the swelling was really bad. A friend of mine lost her horse to infection following surgery last year. So I cried on my way home to get ready and see him. A friend of mine was nice enough to take him to the hospital and hopefully can help me pick him up today. They wanted him there overnight for observation.

I had the vet out Sunday, we gave him penicillin and pain reliever. Then I handwalked him. Monday his box was dry and he was REALLY swollen. SO we took him in. I was just crying thinking the worst. But the vet saw him and sounded really positive and he was able to pee. 

He also marched off the trailer like hello everybody, I am here and I am fabulous! You are all lucky to be in my presence, hello hello. lol I love his confidence and how stallion-like his presence is. He's like here I am world, look at me! I really think he'll love being a show horse. He loves to travel and go to new places. He loves exploring. He doesnt stress on the trailer, we had a video camera and he was stretching and super chill. He sees a trailer door and he will drag you onto the trailer if you're not careful. He loves it, like oh boy where are we going?

Bit behind on studies because Saturdays I take off just to mellow and I know now I need that or I start seeing shifts in my mental state and I have to be careful managing that.

I also wonder why in photos Wonders looks narrow. If you saw him in life he is so muscular and looks like a body builder. Was what the vet kept saying, we've got the body builder horse lol. But in photos he looks lean and lanky. In life he's pretty broad, big boned and muscular. He is lean, I think he'll always have ribs show. Vet said not to worry that's just his body type. I refuse to give him more grain than he already receives. He gets free range of hay.

My friends sticked him this weekend at 172cm. They thought he was bigger and I said nope. Just 172cm or about 17h. I think it's because people sometimes lie and exaggerate about height, so people think a horse is bigger when they actually are the height vs when someone adds a cm or two *Shrugs* doesnt really matter.


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## gottatrot

Oh wow, ouch! You were not kidding about the swelling!!! Poor boy, hope he recovers soon.


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## egrogan

Ouch, poor Wonder!! That is some swelling. Hope the vets get him feeling better soon.



> I wonder why there is a lack of curiosity in your field.


The snarky answer is- economists. Their approach/methods have been dominating my field of social science for the last decade +. If you're a good economist, there's really only one "acceptable" way to do things- conduct a randomized control trial, run your model, get your result. That is the answer. It just "is." There is little interest in pushing past the model result to explain the "why"- that would be just speculation. If the model can't explain it, it's unexplained. That sort of thing.

I have reservations about the "loosey goosey" nature of some (poorly done) qualitative research too- knew far too many people who would interview 5 participants and then write a dissertation using those data to draw sweeping conclusions- but the longer I've been doing research, the more convinced I am that you need really rigorous quantitative methods to point you in the right direction of how various puzzle pieces fit together, paired with some qualitative work to get to the "why" behind the numbers. Unless you're a physical scientist or medical researcher, you're just not going to find "THE ANSWER" in statistical models from an experiment. But good statistical models can help a social scientist uncover an important trend or pattern to dig into more deeply for understanding.


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## whisperbaby22

Photos can always look different. In some photos of my horses over the years they look ungainly, in others, better that they really are! And most people are not good at measuring, even when they do it. There is a proper way to measure and most people do not know how to do it.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- It was really bad, I felt so bad for him. I didnt know how to help him. There is no abscess or anything to pop, so he's on pain killer and penicillin the next few days. Will be riding him at a walk, probably out on the roads so he is happy.

He spent the morning in a grass field at the vet hospital which was good to hear.

I hope he gets better soon too! Jimmy passed away last year from an infection following surgery but Jimmy's lights went out and she wasnt Jimmy anymore. Was really sad. 

egrogan- that makes sense. Economics and statistics, Im familiar with those types. I have a friend with a PHD in Econ but he's a really awesome guy. Super smart and fun! 

I think you make a good point about statistics do not hold the answer, they can suggest conclusions but in themselves are not conclusive. 

I also find a lot of highly educated people, like say engineers (not all, family full of them and I like engineers) to think almost in a black and white framework and they dont always think outside of the box or ask that many questions. A lot really like their structure and set frame of reference and dont like to venture too far out of that. 

I sometimes think people rely too much on the models and stats, even textbooks. Sometimes you have to question the conclusions and question the textbooks, sometimes the conclusions are wrong. Especially since perception is SO subjective and to what extent do are biases and desire for a select result influence the conclusions? 

whisperbaby22- that makes a lot of sense. I am not a professionally trained photographer, so I do not know why some things works and others do not. I just see and take a picture. I dont have a real skill that way! 
--------------
I am absolutely exhausted and burnt out.

Im starting to realize WHY Im so tired. One socialization takes a LOT out of me, remember with autistics everything is manual and isnt picked up through innate learning. So takes a lot of mental energy. Another reason Im finding is women with autism actually have reduced executive functions than their male counterparts and far less than their neurotypical peers. It's really interesting to me but anyways bottom up thinking requires me to take in ten times more information to understand the material.

Communication is also exhausting, when my mind is already tired and having to translate how I experience and see the world to others, as well as to read and take in information in a way that is not natural to me. Reading and words just dont mean that much to me. It's the experiences and feel that I understand. It's a lot of work just to function. 

Basically the system is designed for "normal" people and being "normal" IS NOT a bad thing, it's a much more functional way to exist and makes life much easier. I wish I were more normal, being "atypical" is a lot of work :lol: 

And also to moderate all my internal whatever. My goal is to keep level, not go too high or low but I'll say my experience in life seems marked by high highs and low lows. It's not really steady, so Im trying something new to keep in balanced and level. But it isnt easy. 

Ihave little faith in people. I have some AMAZING people around me and I am so grateful to them, I try to give back what they give to me. I know massage so I think Im going to massage Elmer for them taking Wonder to the hospital. 

But Im the kind of person who always questions a person's motives and really expects the worst of people. It isnt my nature to be that but my experiences show me to expect being let down, dont hope. Im really tired of being let down, hurt and disapointed by people. And I guess what Im really learning is Im the only person I can rely on because people are all temporary fixtures in the scheme of life and nothing really lasts forever. It hurts me because I actually care about and value other people but Im finding as I get older most people arent like that and I cant go through life expecting people to genuinely care about others in a real way. Most people are fundamentally selfish and care only about themselves and their ego. They only care about others to the extent of what someone else offer them and it isnt actual care of compassion. I think that's why I stick to myself a lot. I also dont believe in romantic love, for others yes. For myself, no. People say oh you cant give up, love will find you and Im like Im done. And I wont share the whole story of what I've been through but we'll say I have never dated someone who wasnt a social predator. I have dated/been in relationships with psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists or intermix. After the last one I was done, so I was single 3yrs crossed an ocean and well found a sociopathic narcissist. And Im DONE.

I prefer Wonder in the double but I dont think I'd like Ranja in a double (she's a ways from it) and truthfully I dont think she'll ever compete high enough where she'd need one. She is tricky to get true in the contact and the double I think would make it worse. But to ride she is sort of Wonder's opposite. I think she can be as hot as he is BUT she is NOT strong or willful like he is, so imo she is easier. She is also much more sensitive/reactive than Wonder which makes her a lot easier, Wonder naturally pushes into pressure and has to be trained to move away from. Ranja is like sitting on a snake. 

I was talking with Nicolai (former international GP rider) as well, why do we get the horses nobody else can ride? And he said because we're riders. The trainers and the fools they cant see or feel what we do. It isnt an appreciated talent, he said most people are blind and want what they think they see and cant think outside of where they are comfortable. So when we can make more from less they are jealous, so the belittle and marginalize. (his brother puts him down a lot) and I think is jealous because Nicolai could make horses great that his brother cast off and wrote off as trash. It makes sense. A lot of the horses I've ridden were horses riders with great skill could not but I think there is something is our way of being that reaches them. I think it has something to do with quantum consciousness and energy. I was usually the rider who could take a very nervous, scared horse out and make it secure and brave. I dont know why. I could never teach someone whatever that quality is. Nicolai no longer competes and because of that people think less of him, yet he is a FAR better rider than his brother who is competing internationally and is on the national team and all that. He can make more from less. He can make horses jump like superstars that have minimal talent. He can bring it out in them and give them the confidence they wouldnt have under almost any other rider. That is so amazing to me! 

It is also why Im very flattered when he calls me a very talented and gifted rider. He never compliments, unless he means it and he's grown up watching all kinds of high level riding. He says he has little respect for most dressage riders because they cant get in and inspire the horse, they just push buttons and do not listen to the horse. He says the horse tells you how to ride them and most dressage riders cant hear that. And honestly I think that's true of most riders. I dont think they really listen. I also think most people are blind and lack the experience to know what they think they know. It's also interesting to me because when I talk to my friend (Nicolai's gf Simone) she has such an eye for horses and riders. I am so impressed by what she can see. She doesnt have the experience of others but she can really see things. 

Ranja is a really good horse and I think relatively easy but it depends on who rides her. Nicolai and I find her fairly easy. Everyone else is not in agreement. Ranja is good, as long as she knows you have her back and can make her feel secure and safe. She has difficulties, she has a long ewe-ish neck and is like riding a snake but her mind is good. I think very arab-like in temperament, however she isnt at all kid safe. Kids make her more nervous and spooky. At heart she is an insecure, nervous horse who needs a lot of confidence and a rider who makes it really clear and concise the expectation or she jumps out of her skin. Having an expectation and clear focus is absolutely necessary to bring her to peace. I think why some others have experienced rearing, bolting and that sort of behavior is because they're too harsh and try to make her. You can correct her but it HAS to be fair and she has to understand it, if she doesnt is when she rears. Please note she has NEVER ever even threatened to rear on me or bolt. I have never had her do anything naughty and she doesnt do any of that with Nicolai either, I remember talking to Nicolai about it because I honestly wouldnt have believed it had I not seen her do those things with my own eyes. And he just said she's the kind if someone is a real rider has no problem but if they are not she will quickly humble them. The only naughty thing she does is if I havent ridden her in a while and ask her to carry herself she throws her head up and pulls against the contact. Then realizes Im not throwing my contact away and she is good. 

So story behind hacking Wonder. I had this romantic idea that Wonder was tired due to the antibiotics MY VET HAS ENCOURAGED THAT HE MOVE AND WORK to reduce swelling and for Wonder's well being. Anyways I had a romantic idea that we could just head out into the sunset, along the road walking peacefully. Wonder had other ideas. He doesnt get this idea of enjoying the peace, he was like alright enough of this hippy cr!p let's go on an adventure! So he takes the bit, I have no steering or brakes and we go on an adventure. Next day I lunged him before I took him out and really asked him to work. That made a big difference. I wouldnt describe him as a happy, relaxed hacker. But Id say he's a happy hacker. He likes to do it but I'd also say he's not something you can hack every day and just hack or he'd be really naughty and invent new and "exciting" ways to enjoy hacking. Not a horse that someone could just say hey I have low level goals on and just walk, trot, canter, throw in a lengthening or lead change and call it a day. He's an intense horse, he likes hard work and he needs clear parameters. And sometimes after school Im so worn out and Im like I just want a relaxing, low key ride and I cant do that with Wonder. which is fine, I just have to gather my mental energy and really focus. With him it is all in the micro tiny details people cannot see and do not know.

Wonder hacking. Vet has encouraged riding and keeping him moving. And yes he did take off after I put this away and it took a bit to get him back then I was completely lost and didnt no where I was. I think I was on someone's private property :|





Also funny when birds, deer or hares pop out, Wonder doesnt give a sh!t. He's so confident.

Swelling in his sheath has gone down a LOT but there is still swelling around his belly. However the vet said this is normal and not to worry. The swelling sinks to the lowest point due to gravity. Swelling goes down after he works.


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## whisperbaby22

I agree that it is that intuitive sense that separates a rider from a horseman. My experience is different than many people on this forum, because I have not ridden that many horses, but I have had very long relationships with my horses. An average of about 20 years. This brings to me an awareness, and I do not regret not having had the opportunity to ride a lot of horses.


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## whisperbaby22

I agree that it is that intuitive sense that separates a rider from a horseman. My experience is different than many people on this forum, because I have not ridden that many horses, but I have had very long relationships with my horses. An average of about 20 years. This brings to me an awareness, and I do not regret not having had the opportunity to ride a lot of horses.


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## lostastirrup

Your monologue cracked me up. Wonder doesn't like backseat drivers lol. He's made up his own road trip, with its own highways and pit stops.


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## bsms

I've had 5 horses in my 11 years of riding that I've ridden enough to know something about. Of the 5, 90%+ is in just two horses. I used to think I had something to apologize for, but I've concluded a few deep relations can teach you things people miss when they've ridden hundreds of horses. Particularly the type who think "hundreds of horses = all else must bow to me".

So much of what is taught IS taught because it is what "trainers" do and teach. But putting 4 weeks of work on a horse is vastly different than putting 10 years into a horse! I mentioned once it took 1.5 years before Bandit REALLY said, "_I'm safe here. I'm safe with you. NOW let's see how life proceeds._" I was told that an experienced and confident rider could have done it in a few rides. And since I haven't ridden hundreds of horses for hundreds of years < / sarcasm >, I think I offended when I said that was silly. Or stupid. Or something like that. 

Because a horse with a lot of baggage WON'T set that baggage aside in 2 rides. Or 20. Or 50. Frankly, horses are not that stupid! I'm not talking about surface trust. One might get it in a few rides. Or 20. I was talking about that deep down to the core kind of release of tension. Where the horse says, "_This really IS a different life and I need to set aside my beliefs about humans and start living THIS life!_"

Hope @SueC doesn't mind my saying this, but her childhood stories make me think of how so many horses are treated. And when your childhood has been like that, you don't set it aside and start anew because someone has been nice to you, REALLY nice, for two months! I think it can be hard for horses (and often people) to realize trust is a viable option.

With Bandit and I, it is still ongoing. I have to trust him so he can trust me more, and he has to trust me so I can trust him more. A LOT of little steps. I'm not saying he won't ever get worried and tense, but now he is trying to keep US safe and not thinking of just himself. And when things get scary, he WANTS to know what I am thinking. Because I give good advice. 

Regardless of accident statistics and whatnot, replacing my helmet with a cloth Tilley hat was a step in trusting bandit. Others may not need or want that step and that is OK. I needed that step! It changes something inside of me. It commits me - not any other rider, just me - to taking WHATEVER happens WITH my horse. Not in any way suggesting it would be good for others. But I think it has been good for me & Bandit.

Some lessons with horses need a long-term relationship to see. And I think people who ride too many horses, @whisperbaby22, get confused by the crowd. All IMHO. I'd like a chance to ride 100 horses, but I don't think NOT riding 100 horses means I have no experiences that count. 

If I want to know the secrets of a good marriage, I'll ask someone married 50 years, not someone who has dated 200 women...:cheers:​


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- I agree with that. It is an intuitive sense people either have or they dont and you can make that sense better but you cant install it completely. I respect people who have years of experience, even if not on a variety because you learn something from long term experiences with horses that you dont get passing horse to horse. I think it can develop a more intuitive sense and understand mind connection, in a way switching horses all the time and only being an academic setting does not. A trainer cannot teach you that intuitive sense or mind connection. It is something you have to learn for yourself but trainers guiding can lead you to that point.

Grace- **** exactly! You understand him perfectly! That is Wonder to a T :rofl: sometimes I just have him stand at a halt for a little bit and he is like okay, Im done, we aint doing this anymore. I dont think most people have been on a horse that you literally just cant make them do something sometimes. They think it's a matter of being harder or having the right approach. But when Wonder sets his mind against you, there isnt anything you can do. Sometimes I wonder what goes through his mind, his mind is how to ride him. If you cant win his mind, he will not steer or stop or do anything. He is something else and I sort of admire that quality because you cant just do conventional method A, B, C and stop him or make him. It just doesnt work, he's like yeah Im 600kg and youre like 62, good luck!

BSMS- I think that has merit. I think what works for different people and their situation is their business, provided both are happy and relatively safe. I think it's important to show basic respect and understanding to one another in general. I dont think everyone needs to be a dressage or sport horse rider or people are useless if they dont have high level goals. It's their business and what is right for them, Im happy for everyone. But I totally agree it is important to have long-term relationships with horses. I had my first horse for 7yrs but I also think in terms of understanding and being able to adapt readily, it takes experience working with and riding a wide variety of horses and types. I think it's very easy to get into a mind frame of all horses are like my horse at home. Vs understanding there are a variety of different types of horses who benefit from different techniques and riding. I agree not riding hundreds of horses doesnt make your experience not count but I do think the more you ride, the more flexible and understanding a rider you become. And I think the more of a problem solver as well. However I'll also say I think some people can ride a dozen horses and have a clue, while others can ride thousands and not get it.

When I say I've ridden hundreds of horses, it's because it is true and so people know Im not talking out my @ss but experience. It's saying please show me basic respect. When I struggle with a horse it isnt because Im inexperienced and havent tried all the conventional things. Im not the neighbor up the street with a hot seat who doesnt know how to work with a hot horse, Im not a rude rider who makes naughty horses or the aggressive rider who makes everything naughty or the person who just doesnt know what Im doing. It's saying please show me basic respect, I know what Im doing, Im experienced and have had a good formal education. Please show me basic respect which doesnt mean I know it all but it does mean show me basic respect. This is not a conventional horse or conventional situation, there is a reason I am doing what I am doing, I have talked to experienced people for feedback and ideas in private and I would not recommend the same for your horse but understand this isnt the typical situation and I am addressing an obedience issue head on. And truthfully I think understanding the situation and this is not conventional evades most people's scope. It's out of their depth. I think some people get it and can have a flexible mind, regardless of how well they're trained or their experience and some people are so locked in a box that they're blind. 


I 100% agree about when a horse has baggage, it doesnt just go away. No matter how good a rider/handler may be. Working through the problem on the ground and in the saddle helps but the basic solutions and what is conventionally taught isnt always the right or even a good solution. There are DEFINITELY really good trainers out there. I worked with one who got all the throw away horses from a variety of disciplines and figured out how to make them go best. It took me a while to find my coach because finding the right coach can be really tricky. Sometimes you are better off on your own than with the wrong coach! Sometimes no trainer is better than one who would lead you down a poor path.

I think there are very important lessons that can only be learned from the horse and on your own but I also think there are very important lessons that come from trainers as well and can guide that development. I am very thankful for the horses and trainers I've had. But I agree people get locked into a convention and locked into what the "textbook" says and fail to adapt their methodology and thinking for the individual horse in front of them. They're too systematic without enough feeling or compassion. Plenty of horse's arent textbook and you cant develop them by the book if you want to be successful. Gotta go off roading.
---
With Wonder sometimes I list my experience level to say, I'm not having these struggles from lack of experience or stupidity but to say this is a challenging horse and I know I couldn't have handled or worked with him had I not ridden and worked with all the others or the trainers I have worked with. I think sometimes it is interpreted as "I think I know it all" but it isnt what I mean. It means Im doing my best and have asked for ideas from people who know the horse and have experience with horses like him. I know I dont know it all but I get irritated when people think they know what to do with a horse who would put them and likely their trainer in a hospital bed. Or to say hey yes I have this experience but I struggle too and even with that experience things come up that I have never encountered and that's a part of the journey. Sometimes when I reach out to people more experienced, they dont have a solution either and youre kinda on your own sometimes. That's life. Someone else doesnt always have the answer and you have to figure it out!

Like Wonder, most people cant see when he is being strong or how hard he pulls against me and how much I have to sit into my own body and keep my position and balance and set a limit for him. It's a lot of "sitting against him" or not letting him take over and set a limit and holding him to it, it is almost every stride. It's a lot of setting my limit, soften almost every stride and a lot of core, seat and leg organization and half halts. There is no autopilot, you cant really passively ride him. He's not into passengers. And he used to throw a tantrum when I'd say no and set a limit, you HAVE to listen and enforced it because he was like f*ck you. I dont want to. And it got ugly sometimes but I know it was absolutely necessary. But there is a reason a horse like Wonder would make a horrible horse for most people, even many experienced ones. I talked to a friend and I said jumpers cant do dressage-dressage on Wonder (collect, half halts etc) but they jump him beautifully and I said I dont think eventers could successfully ride him in dressage either because most have a rudimentary or surface level understanding of dressage. I DO NOT think eventers are bad riders but I think there skill set is so varied it is hard for them to be really good at one. They have a different skill set and focus. And with Wonder you really need to know the details and deep components. This is a horse for an upper level rider with upper level goals. It is partially why it took so long to find a coach. It took a while to find one who was a problem solver and not just a surface level how do I skim over the top and make it look a certain way? But someone who digs deep and says what steps do we need to take to get a 10?

Im really big on basic respect. I've also had people try to tell me what to do with Wonder who I know couldnt successfully work with him and I doubt their trainers could either. Then they get p!ssed off at me because I disagree with them. So they call me an arrogant know it all who wont listen to anyone and Im sitting there thinking excuse you? I listen to people who know what they're talking about and actually have helpful advice and dont talk down to me because dare I struggle and actually share that life isnt perfect. I dont listen to inexperienced know it alls who dont get it and are disrespectful. It's the attitude. I think in the horse world we all get used to it and learn that we have to stick up for ourselves and draw a line. I generally find the most opinionated people have some experience but not enough to really know what they're talking about. But insist everyone has to do it their way or they're wrong vs there are many roads to Rome and your way isnt the only way or even necessarily the right way. It's just a way. 

My friend on the national team has some baggage with her former trainer and the former trainer showed up, the trainer has national titles and all that. And you could feel the tension in the air. So I told her, just imagine her riding Wonder and you'll feel a lot better. And she just smiled and said oh yes hehehe, oh Wonder would put her in the hospital. Awards and what someone has shown or who they have trained with doesnt necessarily equate to that intuitive quality some riders/trainers have or they dont. Skill is important but so is feeling and instinct. And I dont think training can teach feel or instinct. I've seen GP riders who have almost no natural feel and I doubt could sit on Bandit and be successful. 

Wonder is leaking from his sutures, talked to vet. He's on more penicillin for a few more days. And I asked if I should give him time off or restrict anything and they said no he needs to stay working, as much movement as possible. He is on turnout! But he is also working. Yesterday we worked hard because he was just like a ferrari in his mind. Hacking and turnout does not bring his mind down. But his piaffe/passage work was quite good, we borrowed a friends saddle. I hope Mads will be happy with that. Some extended trot which Wonder LOVES to extend and Im like STAY with me! And he's like NEVER!! So in the short sides Im like No you have to ride deeper into the corners, you need to listen and stay with my seat, stop moving past it and pulling on me! If you move past me Im throwing in a 10m circle and asking you to really collect. 

Did quite a bit of shoulder in and haunches in at the walk and trot, really emphasizing he stay forward and medium trot into it, same with half pass and leg yields. He wants to cheat haunches in right. Im like this is not a leg yield, this is bend around my leg. And he's like cant I just half pass? And Im like no this is basic movement of you carrying yourself and following my position, then he's like ugh fine! Then stretch, long low walk for 5min.

Did some transitions and asked him to halt and I could just hear him chomping at the bit like when do we go, you inhaled that means go! Tried to give him treats in the halt. He KNOWS how to halt, have tried to teach him halt is a reward, then long-low stretching walk. I think the cool weather has hit him. Then just did stretch, SLOW SLOW trot and deep stretch and he was like I want to take off into a huge extension and not listen and I was like SLOW, DEEP STRETCH. TAKE A BREATH. He was really pushing past my seat, I really had to sit deep into the saddle and half halt like NO slow and stretch serpentines and small circles leg yield to big circles. I hope Mads has some ideas for Wonder. Today I am hoping to just hack at a walk on the road. Can get a chiropractor out on Thursday but I have a lesson Thursday evening and classes all day. 

These are all old pictures but are some of my favorite of him. The first one, that look on his face says everything you need to know about Wonder. Also Im 170cm tall or 5'7 62kg or abut 136lbs. Wonder is 172cm or 17h and 600kg or 1320lbs.


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## whisperbaby22

Perhaps it is because of the way I have had horses in my life, but I do not believe there is a "normal" horse out there. They are such individuals. Of course, there are norms just because they are all horses. But I could write a book about the weird, out of normal, outlandish (sometimes) traits of each of my horses!

I think the most important part of working with a horse is that you just enjoy being around that particular horse. That is what drives us to excel.


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## bsms

"_I also think in terms of understanding and being able to adapt readily, it takes experience working with and riding a wide variety of horses and types. I think it's very easy to get into a mind frame of all horses are like my horse at home. Vs understanding there are a variety of different types of horses who benefit from different techniques and riding._"

I agree. By itself, riding a lot of horses can be a good thing. I say "can" because so many seem to ride the same type of horse again and again for decades. It would be interesting to know if they ACTUALLY ride the same horse in different bodies for decades, or if the horses change and they don't realize it. I suspect the latter because the 5 horses I've experienced are all different.

Heck, the Mia of 2008 wasn't the Mia I traded away in 2015, and the 2015 Bandit was very different from the 2019 Bandit. And the 2008 model of bsms was very different from the 2019 version.

"_When I struggle with a horse it isnt because Im inexperienced and havent tried all the conventional things. Im not the neighbor up the street with a hot seat who doesnt know how to work with a hot horse, Im not a rude rider who makes naughty horses or the aggressive rider who makes everything naughty or the person who just doesnt know what Im doing. It's saying please show me basic respect, I know what Im doing, Im experienced and have had a good formal education._"

If I implied that, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that.

My implication goes to the reverse. Experience isn't bad, by itself. It is good, by itself. My problem is with the "mile wide, inch deep" type of unteachable experience. I find it scary that, apart from journals, I find it so hard to find anything written about looking at things from the horse's perspective and asking "What is in it for the horse?" I find it scary that again and again, on much of HF and in the majority of trainers I've met and in almost every book and video, people talk about "Not letting the horse win" and how many obviously view it as an adversarial relationship. It deeply disturbs me that in 2008-2009, when I was struggling with Mia, pretty much every experienced rider in my area - and most of the ones on HF - were recommending "Get a bigger whip!" 

When I got Bandit, I thought I was stepping down in intensity. Big time. But the 2015 Bandit was much more reactive and vastly more likely to fight his rider than the 2015 version of Mia. I decided - being the 2015 version of bsms, after 7 years with Mia - to give him a vote and try to teach him life wasn't so scary. Most (not all) of the experienced riders on HF told me I would ruin him. That he "would get my number" and become unrideable because "horses need a strong, confident leader" - *as if strong and confident was interchangeable with hyper-masculinity dominance*.

[Note: I write that as a male who spent much of his life in the hyper-masculine dominance world of jet fighters. I know of what I write!]

The point isn't just that Bandit is now an alert but very sane horse. It is that so many assumed giving him a choice would result in an unmanageable horse.

I'm not saying every horse would respond the way Bandit did - and BTW, I think you would have found Bandit very easy to ride and teach - but that so many riders with decades of experience said it was certain to fail.

A sensitive rider who rides a hundred horses will find something to learn from all 100. An insensitive rider can ride hundreds of horses over decades and remain a bully. Mia caused me a bit of PTSD in some ways. But I genuinely liked her (and she me) from the moment we met. And she wasn't interested in being bullied, so I had to look for another way. I was probably average on the sensitive to horses scale, way below average on the reading horses scale, but at least she taught me that riding did not require bullying the horse.

Maybe I'm idealistic, but I don't know how anyone rides a genuinely top-level horse without understanding. It seems Bandit's real personality is pretty mellow. Conformation aside, I don't think he is intense enough to be good at any sport (other than races, perhaps). And I don't think he'd be very good at that now that he's lived without the pressure to race. His "competitiveness" may have been more fear of the whip than a genuine desire to compete. A human needs an inner drive to truly excel at something. Seems it ought to be the same with horses. That inner drive ought to be a formidable challenge to anyone who simply wants to succeed thru domination!

But honestly...I doubt 1% of the experienced riders I've met have ever ridden a genuinely top level horse. And as I think @SueC has pointed out, if they ride their horses the way they treat other people...YEGADS! Feel sorry for their horses! It takes an inquisitive, curious mind to keep learning with horses. Or anything in life. Heck, I'm still trying to tweak how I position a saddle and how I mount a horse! You need to be a bit odd to ride for 11 years and wonder, "_What if I moved the saddle an inch? Is there a better way to mount a horse?_"

Sorry for the rant and certainly no insult was intended. I get depressed at how often I hear, "_Don't let him win!_" I don't know how anyone could train a top level horse that way, but it sure seems popular with much of the riding world.

PS: A few years back, a guy who had ridden for decades (not competitively though) told me, "_Never turn your back on a horse. They hate humans._" Think for a moment about what he must have done to the horses he rode. And weep.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I dont have time to really respond, I really need to study. Cognitive Science is an intense program. I will write back properly and in full, I just have to prioritize learning the computer language "R" atm for statistical analysis. I've used java and C++ but never R then we'll also program using python and I cant remember which other ones but Im trying :lol: 

whisperbaby22- I agree! It's important we have the horse that is right for us and our life. It's why we all have different goals, dreams and types we like. One isnt better or worse than the other, just different. 

I think it depends, I can lump categories of horses into certain norms (I think of normal as spectrum of convention or what is typical behavior)I've worked with and some that were definitely their own brand. It really depends but I agree they were special in their own way. But I will admit I've worked with a few, I hated because they were mean and violent. Not a kindness in their soul.

BSMS- But I'll say I think dominance for dominance sake is wrong. I've had to pick some battles with horses and there are some horses who need a dominant handler and person but most I think once the respect is drawn dont need to be dominated. To me it's about basic respect. I am a human being, you are a horse. I respect you, you respect me and if you dont I'll remind you that I expect respect. But it's also not about picking a fight. It's about reading the horse. I dont think of it as winning or losing against the horse, so much as how can I bring them onto my side and get us on the same page? But I have had quite a few battles with Wonder this past year, we havent had one in a while *knock on wood* but I'll say for the most part I dont think dominating a horse earns trust. It can earn respect. I think in Wonder's case he is very much the type of WHY should I respect you? How do I know you know what you're doing? Prove it to me, I think he was testing for dominance and trust but at the same time you cannot go into it with a mentality of dominating him or he will fight you with EVERYTHING he has and he WILL win. I think it's a combination of let's work together and reach each other mentally, as well as bribery. I've really found giving him treats for good behavior really helps (I always carry treats in my pocket when I ride), so when we halt instead of him getting anxious, he's like cookies? And I think he and I still have conversations of hey basic respect, remember I dont pull on you, please dont pull on me sort of a thing.

But I understand what you're saying, Mia was sensitive and needed to be convinced with emotion and reach her mentally, rather than with confrontation. No amount of asking her to submit would raise her confidence. It would worsen it and a lot of trainers/riders fail to understand that. I think on the whole it is getting better and people are becoming more sensitive and aware but I dont know what the "norm" really is. I think it differs across disciplines and area to area.

I've worked with quite a few horses that came from FEI riders with psychological damage and emotional issues. It really bothered me because I had one I developed go to one of them and she destroyed his mind. I have no idea what she did because as a 5yr old, his AA owner could safely ride and take lessons on him and he was easy! She had him bolting, rearing and bucking to where professionals were scared to ride him and I have NO idea what she did because that horse was forgiving and didnt take much personally but he was sensitive. I've also encountered some who had been brutalized and were too far gone to do "serious" work with but made good trail horses or some just a broodmare but not safe for riding. And I often wonder what happened to cause this? Like you said with the guy who said never turn your back on a horse, they hate humans. That is really disturbing, I dont want to know what he did to create hate. It's hard when working with horses with trauma, it's really hard to reach them mentally sometimes because there is a wall of mistrust. I think horses are very emotional creatures and that sad realization that humans can cause pain really hurts them.

I also had a trainer I worked with once who said, horses are used to people not understanding them so they put up a wall when communicating. It is our job to show them that we are different, that we can reach them and that we understand. I think that is some of the best horsemanship advice Ive received.

In general though I think you run into a variety of types at that level, some are good and know what they're doing and are horseman, others are not horseman and dont get or really care about horses. It's not always the level they showed or what they did that reflects quality. It's why I was REALLY picky finding a trainer, I needed someone who could train Wonder and I to the GP but was really a horseman and understood horses. Not just one who had a bunch of shiny medals. 
I enjoy the partnership of working with a horse and us becoming a fine tuned pair that just becomes extension of each other. That's what I love in the connection and harmony when it's there is really amazing! And I imagine that's what a lot of us are in it for...or maybe Im naive but I hope so! We're all this journey with our horses and each journey is special and unique.

It's hard to explain but I 100% agree a sensitive rider can ride 100 horses and learn something from every one and an insensitive rider can ride 100 horses and come out a bigger bully. I've seen both. 

I'm not a big fan of the bigger weapons is better mentality. I dont have a problem with whips, spurs or using them or anything like that but I really think it is in how you use them and in conjunction with the mental energy behind the use. I've ridden horses people told me were dead lazy and made them quite sharp. I didnt use excessive force with the whip but my ability to ride mentally and communicate there was how and to transfer energy as I call it. I dont know how to explain it exactly but feel. I feel like the first time I interact with a horse I want basic respect and manners on the ground, dont walk over me, respect my space move away from me and follow my body without pushing into my space. Then undersaddle I call it the ABCs. When I sit on a new horse I ask them how much to go, how much to woah, how much to go side way and have the horse communicate to me how they want to be ridden and how they react and understand things. Can learn a lot just going through basics at a walk before ever picking up the trot or canter. 

But I think youve taken what you've learned from Mia and applied it to Bandit, I also think what you have done is probably correct for you and for Bandit. People always say things about what you "should" and "shouldnt" do and at the end of the day it's your life, you're living it and it's nobodies business. I think people always have an opinion and get really offended when people dont kiss their @ss and agree. People dont know how to civilly disagree. I generally tell people thank you for your opinion and I dont have to agree. Or if I give advice, I dont expect people to go wow that was so transforming, thank you so much. It's more if it helps, here you go and if not Im not bothered. Or if I give an assessment and someone disagrees, I'm like okay. I dont think Im wrong but maybe I am.

I'll also say in the competitive world you run into a variety of people. I have met a few top riders, some Id say really cared about the horses and others it was all about their glory. I think all the horses at that level are very well cared for but not always psychologically well cared for. It REALLY depends case to case and I havent been to every stable or met everyone, so I cant really say. But I can say the ones Ive met mostly care about the horses, they arent heartless or cruel. 

I can also say I noticed a big turn around in Wonder when I realized that the reason he has all these evasions is because someone picked the fights with him and as you say had a "dont let him win" attitude and I think that is how Wonder figured out how to say well then Im big and call the shots. I find with him you have to set a clear limit and expectation but you cannot push past that. It cannot go into the realm of trying to dominate him, just clear communication and saying hey yes you do have to respect me. 

Also so you know I wasnt insulted, I was just clarifying what I meant when I write it ;-) 

Also Wonder piaffe in a snaffle. I couldnt get much because I got video by setting the phone and the quality and getting it in a frame just isnt the same.

Tried the relaxing ride on Wonder, he was definitely not in the mood for that. He was actually quite spooky, I was surprised. And even more goey than yesterday. I gave him a full body massage after our ride and a bath. I think I'll hand walk him tomorrow because today was not safe for hacking. Plus I've had two friends get pretty injured last two days, so Im playing a bit safe.


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## egrogan

With R, the online message/chat boards are actually the best resource when you're learning. That's the nice thing about it being open source- people who develop scripts love them to get used and are actually really helpful and not a*sholes like on the boards for other programs. I primarily work in Stata, but can get my way around R (all of the analyst team I managed at my last job had made the switch to R so they taught me :grin. The Stata message boards are full of rude old men telling everyone they're stupid for asking questions.


When I have more time I can dig up some of the R resources we liked at my previous job. Have fun!!


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## whisperbaby22

Oh by all means, study. One can always go back later to take up the conversation. 

But I was thinking about this today out on the trail. A horse suddenly refused to move forward, and the rider got after him pretty good. Don't know what happened after because I was going the other way, but a rider would probably say, yes get after the horse, or no whipping a horse is never right. A horseman, on the other hand will say - it depends. 

It depends on the reason the horse is refusing. On a hot steamy day like today perhaps he wanted to roll, he may have had a bad experience right there or many other reasons, but a horseman will know (or be trying to figure out) the reason for the refusal. In which case perhaps getting after the horse could be the right response. 

Bandit and Wonder have horsemen who think about why the horse is doing what he is doing, and the correct response. That's the difference.


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## bsms

Loved your post, @DanteDressageNerd.

When Bandit refuses - which is rare now - we negotiate. But he's become very reasonable, so if he flat out REFUSES...there is probably a reason. OTOH, he's been known to just not feel like doing X, and then it depends on how much I want it. After 4+ years together, it really feels like a negotiation, too! But yes, we've had some flat out arguments as well. Heck, after 32 years of marriage, my wife and I still sometimes argue...:wink:


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## knightrider

How close (I don't mean physically--I can look on a map and see that) are Sweden and Denmark? Do they feel some affinity?

Are you following the adventures of Greta Thunberg? Are you aware of the controversy about her Aspberger's and the crude put-downs of Michael Knowles and later you-know-who (he who must not be named)? If you don't want to comment on your journal, I will understand, but I immediately thought of you when I read the news this morning. I have long been a Greta Thunberg fan, but I did not know that she had Aspberger's.


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## lostastirrup

@bsms 
"My implication goes to the reverse. Experience isn't bad, by itself. It is good, by itself. My problem is with the "mile wide, inch deep" type of unteachable experience. I find it scary that, apart from journals, I find it so hard to find anything written about looking at things from the horse's perspective and asking "What is in it for the horse?" I find it scary that again and again, on much of HF and in the majority of trainers I've met and in almost every book and video, people talk about "Not letting the horse win" and how many obviously view it as an adversarial relationship. It deeply disturbs me that in 2008-2009, when I was struggling with Mia, pretty much every experienced rider in my area - and most of the ones on HF - were recommending "Get a bigger whipi!"


You should try the book by Dominique Barbier Dressage for the new age 
It has good lessons not just for dressage and fits with a less forceful training style. He has a couple of really good chapters on the merits of training an upper level dressage horse that is a creative thinker. His main philosophy is that we don't in our riding make the horse wrong, we 1. Set them up for success, 2. Do not force or use fear to encourage or discourage a behaviour or way of going and 3. Allow them to try numerous responses to the aids patiently until they hit on the right one and the result is a horse that wants to and isn't forced to step out of it's comfort zone and try that half pass and that piaffe- knowing that the rider is just gently waiting for them to sort out the movement and there will be no hammer fall, so they shouldn't be frightened to make a mistake. 

It might be my all time favorite riding book. He's like a more coherent and insightful explainer version of Nuno Oliviera- who he did work under.


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## bsms

^^ Ordered a copy, @lostastirrup.


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## lostastirrup

bsms said:


> ^^ Ordered a copy, @lostastirrup.



Wonderful! I'll have someone to finally discuss it with.


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## gottatrot

In response to @bsms' comment about if top level horses can be ridden without understanding or sensitivity...I do believe some can. That's because I've been able to ride some horses that were on their way up with ambitious riders but failed on a physical level, meaning they developed arthritis or other issues and were passed on for lighter use. 
Something I learned from them was that they were perhaps selected for their temperament, which although they were athletic and energetic was particularly amenable to a rider's wishes. 
If you have a lot of specialty bred horses to choose from, a person can be selective for those horses (which are out there) that are both physically sharp and able, while also docile toward taking instruction. 
I think many with more difficult temperaments get weeded out at lower levels. 
It is true some very difficult horses are brought to the top by talented and persistent trainers, but I would guess those are less common.
Like a pro athlete, even the most talented have to be able to cooperate somewhat with a program and coach.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I will respond when I have more energy. Just exhausted most of the time. Studies are taking it out of me. It's a lot of coding and reading research papers and making sense of the raw data. So we're learning "R" and "python" I greatly prefer python. Have had two projects due last two weeks. Then friends and Wonder and Ranja. And little Magnus who I suspect will be quite a big cat. 

Wonder and Ranja are doing well. Wonder is Wonder as always. I would like to get new video of him. He's going SO much better. That surgery has given me a new horse. He's still Wonder. Definitely one of a kind but SO much more ridable. He is truly a great horse. His changes have been really good and him keeping uphill and in rhythm and WITH me, rather than going past my seat and position. You really have to know where you're at with him and be self aware. Had a really good lesson with Mads about rhythm and working through Wonder trotting slow and being able to push through slow and long. I asked Mads why is it is so hard with Wonder, I have never had to work this hard with any horse just to trot. Why is it so hard with Wonder? And he said I Dont know, it just is. Does it matter why? This is the horse we have to work with. Mads also saw Wonder take over in the canter, I got him back but he took over a few steps. Mads was basically like well it happens, just ride. A friend of mine phrased Wonder perfectly, hes the type who never really let's you have the drivers seat. He's always has to have one hand on the steering wheel. And I said exactly. That is Wonder. You're never really the driver.

This week so far he's gone really-really well. I want to get proper video this week (if possible). Friday we worked pretty hard. Some canter half pass and changes on a straight line. We did canter down the long side on quarter line, lead change and Wonder spun round left :lol: I was off by a breath in my aids :lol: just laugh at yourself. Main thing was Wonder was happy and having fun. His piaffe is improving. And I absolutely agree with Mads (as did my chiropractor and vet) that Wonder needed the idea of passage to figure out the trot. Right now it's hard to get him to keep rhythm, punch through with the hind legs and extend but it's improving. 

Saturday off with a fully body massage and time in the sanitarium (heat lamp), then Sunday we hacked out and did some light arena work, today we hacked then worked in the arena then did some roads and tracks work. Trotting on the hard top. My vet said it's very good for keeping horses sound. I work with my vet and chiropractor (chiropractor is also a vet and does acupuncture, muscle therapy, etc) for Wonder's work program. Wonder was very spooky today. Maybe the sudden drop in temperature? He's usually such a brave horse, it surprised me. We ran into deer, hares, and cats today. He is my least favorite kind of spooker. The type that goes from relaxed, floppy ears to leaping in the air and spinning around the other direction at a flat gallop or leaping side ways 2m in the blink of an eye. I'm really wondering how I stick it. I didnt even lose balance or feel unseated and I was bareback. Maybe it's because I've ridden so many of those? I was often given the rides on horses because they were "problem children" that nobody seemed to get along with. Going with Mads way, doesnt matter why. It just is. 

This one is worth watching all the way through. Wonder rears and back up while rearing, I was like...well there we go Wonder!! He is the only horse I've ever met where he can be turned out, lunged, worked, hacked and then want to gallop and fly around. This was when we were still treating him with antibiotics, so he had some swelling at his belly. That is gone now, surgery scar is well healed and off the antibiotics. I am giving him some probiotic to restore the gut bacteria after almost 2wks of antibiotics because Im wondering how much healthy gut flora influence behavior. In humans and mice it can be linked to depression and anxiety. So I wonder if it has something to do with fear response in horses. 






Then again here is Wonder's sire, like father like son. I talked to someone who worked with him and said he was a wonderful stallion. Well behaved, really really clever, cheeky, playful and just a great horse. 






Midnight Lute is Wonder's sire





I think this winter is going to be brutal! It's already freezing temps at night! Last year we were still 20C! or around 70F.

This is a bit of Wonder. Also note we were having fun, this isnt like serious pressure trying to get the maximum but a little lower and asking him to have more scope through his shoulders. Also posting bareback and trying to organize is REALLY hard. He's been so good. We are not perfect and do not claim to be but I am SO SO amazed how BIG a difference the surgery has made. He is still Wonder, he is still shall we say quirky? and will take over if you dont use yourself right but he actually STAYS WITH MY SEAT and doesnt try to take over quite so much and less tense. He's still goey and if you breathe wrong he will launch but I like that kind of a horse. I like something explosive and like a ticking bomb but at the same time they want to work with you and listen. It's an amazing feeling. That's taken SO SO much work and I am SO SO proud of him. Then I can do the fun stuff and like just hack out and trot on the roads or go galloping through the fields.


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## egrogan

Sorry that R is giving you headaches. This is a good compilation of R resources: https://scholar.harvard.edu/dromney/online-resources-learning-r 

Not sure how you best learn programming, but I tend to need to puzzle through a piece of code and then google sections that give me errors. I know a lot of people getting started really liked the R Bootcamp linked in that article, and all my Analysts used the Stack Overflow site for asking questions when they got stuck. When I was trying to go back and forth between different programs (e.g., learning SAS after Stata), sometimes I'd do something in the program I knew better, so I would know I could get it to work, and then try to struggle my way through the new program with a sense of what the result was supposed to be- slow, but that was often a lot easier for me than trying to piece things together from a textbook. I don't know Python at all so unfortunately not sure how to take what you know there and "translate" to R. Best of luck though- I know exactly how frustrating it can be when you just can't get something to run even though it seems like it should!


I forgot Wonder's sire was Midnight Lute- it is possible that one of his daughters might be in the running for American Horse of the Year this year: https://www.thoroughbreddailynews.com/midnight-bisou-a-game-changer/


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## gottatrot

> I like something explosive and like a ticking bomb but at the same time they want to work with you and listen. It's an amazing feeling. That's taken SO SO much work and I am SO SO proud of him.


That was a very nice video and you should be very proud. Watching him move now makes me wonder how much discomfort he was in before the surgery. 
Halla was like that, explosive but wanting to play the "game" with me. I adored her and so far she was my all time favorite horse to ride.


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## DanteDressageNerd

egrogan- thank you, that sounds super! I keep getting baffled because it's so surface level. Im so used to having to know how to build my own packages and build something complicated and with this it's learning how to use a glorified calculator and Im stumped :lol: my dad told me I needed to be drunk and then I'll understand. 

But I DEFINITELY know what you mean, a lot of programmers are not nice people and I think because they have a skill in it like putting down anyone who dare tries. I do NOT miss that, a lot of programmers Ive met, I think were bullied quite a bit and so take it out on everyone else from behind a desk. Keyboard warriors!! lol I notice people who tend to bully were often bullied themselves and they havent healed that part of themselves, so feel better when bullying or being an @sshole. Plus some are probably on the spectrum and truthfully a lot of males on the spectrum are @ssholes who lack flexible abstract thinking and think they know all :blueunicorn:

Father is German-Russian (ethnic group, no Russian blood), so I think when stumped the answer is to drink :lol: He said it will make me stupid enough that it'll all become clear. Note he is very good at statistics and one of his degrees is in economics (my mothers degree is in economics too) and he is not a drunk (Ive seen him drunk maybe once or twice and he's a happy drunk) and doesnt have a drinking problem but I thought it was funny :lol:
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whisperbaby22- thank you, I think so. I think we do our best. But I agree. If a horse says no, lets check why and listen to him/her. If he's just taking advantage then by all means we should head forward but sometimes it's important to look around. When I was a teenager and lived in Oregon, a friend and I both had our horses stop and it was eerily quiet. We had planned to go further up the trail but we were in cougar country and we figured if our horses were stopped and it was so quiet, maybe we should turn around just in case. 
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bsms- thank you, I try haha. I think it's that people want control and if they cant have it over other people, they want it over horses. I notice it a lot in horse people, they cant stand the idea of a free and independent mind. A lot of dressage riders are very systematic and I think like things in a system and a box. I think why I dont always get along with a lot of dressage people :lol: A lot of people are so trained in their specific system, that they dont bother to learn other systems or realize there is more than one way to do something. A lot are very black and white thinkers who think only one way is correct and think they are the God of what is correct and Im a little more like hold your horses and get down from that pedestal before you fall over and break your neck. I get tired or the arrogance. Part of why finding a trainer took a LONG time. Someone who actually understood horses, not just dressage. Finding real horsemen is rare and I dont think it's always dependent on how many horses someone has ridden or who they've trained with but who they are as a person and how they think. Again with a person can ride 100 horses and not be a horsemen or someone can ride 100 horses and learn something from every single one. 

In the US, I had a psycho narcissistic trainer at one point...about 9yrs. SO CONTROLLING. She would have a huge temper tantrum like a 3yr old on the floor when she didnt get her way. I learned a lot from her and she absolutely knows her stuff and she could get along with difficult personalities or make horses that looked like junk with other trainers look great. But with people, absolutely horrible. And absolutely wouldnt have gotten along with Wonder, you can correct Wonder and stand your ground and enforce your expectation BUT you CANNOT dominate him. He's one a person could easily turn into an angry, violent, destructive, rear over the top of you sort of horse. You CANNOT make him, you can set a line but he is absolutely not a horse you can make do something. I set a line and I make my expectation clear and ride through the tantrum but I don’t push for domination. He’s a horse if you handle or get on with the mindset of domination will absolutely not let you into his mind.

Riding Wonder is all about riding his mind and earning his desire to work with you. He has a lot of fight inside of him but I think now he is a much more willing partner. I wouldn’t say submissive because I promise if I beat into Wonder he’d probably strike me in the head or rear over the top of me. 

I had a talk with my chiropractor about how over-reactive horses have a fear reaction to aids. And a lot of times in the training, you have to train them to accept leg. A lot of trainers train a fear response to the aids which is sometimes how they get such sharp reactions, rather than acceptance. When someone tells me they cant put leg on a horse, I know it is due to a fear response from the horse and the person doesn’t know how to address the issue. It is about acceptance and understanding of the aids, not fear of the aids that is the goal. Can create responsiveness without fear.

Horses really feed off of people's energy and they know things. Some horses dont mind having someone in control or a harsh hand, other go ballistic. 

I've definitely had ugly fights with Wonder and in Denmark, people could see and understand why and what was going on but in US I find people to be incredibly judgmental and not understand what was going on but of course they assume they know it all. And Im more like that's okay, keep chasing your tail and when we break through we'll be there.
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Knightrider- I Pm'd you last week? I dont have much perception of time...I just try to stay out of politics as much as possible because I find some cultures are so committed to misunderstand and stir hate. But basically I dont think she could hold her own in a real debate and is used as propaganda. Her arguments are from emotion and opinion, not science. 
____________________

egrogan- I am a bottom up, whole concept learner which makes learning difficult for me. It takes a lot of work because I have to download 10x more information to be able to do basic things. But I think maybe my process is like yours? Learn some theory and understanding structure and outline then struggle my way through trying to figure out how to do things and referencing is back with material to figure out what I've done right or wrong. I find programming to be a very humbling endeavor that takes a lot of patience. I've used stack overflow quite a bit, they're goo help! and youtube tutorials. I think I learn a lot with association. For example if someone talks to me about something, I dont know, I often cant make sense from the words. I have to see a video or working picture in my mind before it means anything. It's a bit like Temple Grandin but Im not as visual as she is.

Thank you for the links, I will look into them. I am going to the study cafe to try to make sense of some of it! Today is practical application. Are studies go lecture-practical application, so we can practice working with the raw data or going through video and segmenting. One class is a lot of linguistics which Im finding the structure of computer language seems based in linguistics. It's interesting. Programming, linguistics, neuroscience atm.

Awww that is super! I love Midnight Lute and Im glad he's seeing some success as a sire! I would love to get my hands on a Midnight Lute colt one day. 
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gottatrot- thank you! Im SO SO amazed by the difference the surgery has made, he gets better and better day to day. I think he is having to learn his body in a new way. 

I'm So amazed as well! and NOBODY ever suggested this to me, even had a "specialist" vet from Florida look at him while I was in DK working for Morten (he trained Tristan Tucker). Wonder had had a full medical evaluation, x rays from poll to feet (Clean, slight hook on stifles, and little bit of deterioration right hock). Pretty amazing for a horse that raced for 5yrs. Treated for ulcers twice, PRP in both stifles, SI injection, etc. The vets just said here's a work program for strengthening the stifles and good luck. Then the vet in DK was the one who diagnosed him, he investigated because of his treatment history. He evaluated x rays and said there is virtually nothing, if Im picky a slight hook in the stifles but there isnt anything there. And you've injected the SI says to me we need to check his castration scar. He said usually people inject the SI when they see a problem and dont know why.

When he started describing the symptoms it described Wonder. and he mentioned surgery and how much it would be and I said YES absolutely. Seeing him now vs before makes me wonder the same. How much discomfort was he in from something so obscure as castration complications? And I am annoyed that it was never brought up to me BUT I do not think my vet at home is bad, I think he's very good and went through standard procedure. The castration complications are really a new thing. My vet that did Wonder's procedure actually has people come to him from around Europe. And is actually teaching some vets from Germany how to do the surgery. I feel so fortunate that, that is the vet I went to. I think most anywhere else would just say well lets do some irap (which was the original plan). Now he doesnt need injections *knock on wood*

I love it because I dont have to ride so strong to avoid getting into a dangerous situation, he's happier and more relaxed. He's so much more free in his movement, I need to get video of him actually working (Gathered up, in collection) and doing serious work but atm I've done some serious work then a lot is just teaching him how to free up and move through his body. I can drop the reins almost to the buckle sometimes in canter and he STAYS with my seat vs before he'd have just taken the bit, push past and tried to overpower me and bolt. He will still try to overpower me, I think that is in his nature to be testy and dominant. He's a bit of why should I respect you? 

He also does better with longer warms ups and cool down so our rides might be 1h 30m but a lot of that is walking, some trotting or hacking with maybe half an hour real work and a good 15-20m cool down. He tends to lock up and get stiff if it's short, day to day he does better with this. The muscle lady said he needed a solid 45min warm up and I still need to roder him a heated blanket to put him under while I groom him. So more work for suppleness, he still warms up fairly tense and I cant let him long like this warming up or he does take over, explode, lose rhythm in the trot, etc but then we get to this point and it's like oh wow, this is nice. I try to make our rides more playful because I can now and not feel like my life is in danger.

Yesterday trotting on the roads felt like heaven. Wonder was so happy and moving through his whole body, powering forward with a big, expressive trot and not losing rhythm or being quick. He was was so happy. It felt like heaven. I could ride that all day. We also rode among the Christmas trees.

Halla sounds perfect! that is my favorite kind of horse, a spicy ticking bomb BUT LOVES to work and just wants to be a team.

Also forgot he is FINALLY putting on weight. We put hay in front of him all day, he gets mash with hay cubes soaked and his supplements, then 3 large grain meals (I refuse to feed more grain) with chopped hay. All low starch/sugar. And oil. And we found a weight builder supplement, my friend with Elmer who is on the national team and school PSG/I1 on a very spicy, difficult pony that she made herself. He's FINALLY putting on weight, the vet said his weight is good. He'll always have ribs show and I said but Im an American, we like our ponies fat :lol:


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## egrogan

Dante, saw this on a nerdy researcher Facebook group this morning and thought of you-


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## SueC

That video of Wonder and the mare playing at liberty made me laugh. What energy!  Glad he's better after his surgery, and wishing you all the best with your study, and getting nice rest too when you can!


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## DanteDressageNerd

egrogan- haha I like it ;-) Im glad my studies also deal with theology, philosophy, linguistics, neuroscience, biology, psychology and anthropology so it isnt strictly programming and statistics. For us we use it to structure our research. Im just not good at it. I also have the attention span of a squirrel, so if Im not really into it. Staying focused is nearly impossible. Ritalin helps but the best fix seems to be alcohol and Im not about to become an alcoholic :lol: but I can focus and get more efficient use of my brain if Im a bit buzzed. Else my brain is all over the map. I've never really figured out how to focus it, sitting still and making it do thing my brain just finds other worlds to venture. Then I catch myself and try to redirect. Then blah...

Sue- Thanks haha he makes me laugh too. He's a very "human" horse in that he has a sense of humor and seems to like making people laugh. Then other times gets angry if he's laughed at. With is okay. I cant explain it. I've worked with so many horses that I would describe as very "human" but Wonder is. It's part of why I love him. If someone is upset, he will lay his head in their arms and just understand. It's a lovely thing. 

Bit of Wonder and Ranja.

Ranja was like riding hot fire yesterday, I loved it!! Lose focus and she leaps or spooks or takes off. I LOVE it! For me I can tell a horse who is genuinely reactive vs one people say is sensitive and Id go no. If a rider always holds too still a leg, that's not a reactive horse. You keep a still leg on a quiet horse to keep reactivity, you have a more active leg on a hot horse to teach them how to accept aids and not over react. I LOVE Ranja. She is such a smart, hard working mare. She is ALL girl. We had a moment yesterday where I insisted she'd use her right hind and she was like NO YOU CANT MAKE ME and leaped and bucked and I said well we're going to shoulder in and she was like oh right and then she was like okay. Everything on Ranja is earned and I really like that. I also think it's pretty obvious she's not easy to ride. Would never be a child safe horse, she's a nervous, over reactive type of horse. Even with a lower level but competent rider she's jumpy. I remember I turned my back two min and one of her owners was one and she had leaped two meters side ways because she has seen a cat. I used to hack her out and I actually felt more safe on her than on Wonder but the other days I hacked Wonder on the buckle and he did gallop away but we had fun. 

I HATE when riders train fear response to aids. I've ridden a lot of horses in dressage who are SUPER reactive and sensitive but it isnt from acceptance of the aids but fear of the aids. I love super reactive but from listening, not fear. I also get frustrated because people dont understand the purpose of dressage movements, it is not about showing off that you can do a movement but improve the understand of the aids and make communication more clear. As well as improve the gaits. 






To put into perspective. This was my 1st ride on her 4mo ago. She was jumping 1.2m. Her owner is a former international GP jumper, he has a broken leg. So Ranja's other owner his gf i(my friend) s riding. She is more interested in dressage so I help her. 





Wonder is a horse in development, this is not a finished horse. I have discussed with my trainer, our goal is not to produce a level each year but an overall arch of producing a GP horse. This does not mean we're racing to the GP or rushing the training. What it means is we are focused on the key elements of what will produce Wonder to the GP, as well as develop the quality to eventually show at that level and be competitive. We also know Wonder will not be competitive until the upper levels because the lower the level, the flashier and bigger the movement of the horse needs to be. Another reason is because it will take longer to develop some things like his extended trot, lateral suppleness, etc to be the quality needed to show. Need more consistency and overall improve things step by step. It takes a lot more to develop and ride on a horse like Wonder which means I just have to be 10x the rider to get the same scores. Here you gain a reputation pretty fast, so if it isnt game on you're ready to go in and score at least a 65, dont bother. And here what wins Medium and advanced medium are young horse champions from Helgstrand and Blue Hors. I will also say this is not the US. I think the standard here is a lot higher. In the US, I've seen horses show at the GP and earn their riders gold medals without ever truly working in collection. Here for a score a rider in the US got a 60, would be a 50 here. The criteria is different. They want a deeper, rounder, more through and collected horse. In the Us what scores well would be towards the back in Denmark. I find in US they are more interested in poll high than back up.

He is also not like riding a typical horse. I've had a few people say who have never ridden a horse like this, why dont you send him more forward and make his back legs reach more. This isnt a horse you can drive in trot, you cant drive his hind legs under. How you get a longer stride is by managing the rhythm and having to REALLY keep it in your body and let him send. If you push he loses rhythm and has a really strange-off trot. Developing a good extended trot is going to take months-years but that's dressage, it isnt over night. All horses have strengths and weaknesses that take time. This is a big part of why I only really listen to experienced-veteran dressage people with experience with horses like mine. This is not an arabian or typical warmblood or qh or typical ottb. I compare him more to a dutch wb and Mads says the same. 

Even though Wonder is very hard to ride, he is a lot of fun. I have to organize and regulate EVERY foot fall, if I am a breath off he loses rhythm. I've never had a horse where I literally have to organize each foot fall. It takes absolute focus. Each time he lifts a hind leg and sits it, I have to feel and organize it and help him punch through. He is the only horse I have ever ridden that rides like that but I can say learning how to ride that has taught me an awful lot.

Right now he doesnt have the strength to sit AND keep scope in the canter for very long. It is better left than right. And it will takes time. Dressage is not overnight. It's a lot of let him down a bit to get more scope and reach in the forearm then pick him back and ride more in collection. Lots of shoulder in, in the canter and Mads says he has good changes, lets focus on counter canter and get the strength and more on the spot sitting in the canter. We will get him sitting more and lifting more in the shoulder. 

In canter it's a lot of back him off the bit, so moving the bit and softening. You wont see the softening but there is a lot of hey back off and softening happening almost every stride. Because if you have a steady connection on this horse he'll just over power you and be gone. We do a lot of pirouette squares in the canter which is haunches in or shoulder in positioning (depending on what I think needs) and not a canter pirouette but bring his shoulders around at each "corner" of a circle to help get that idea better. And gradually train for more on the spot. The goal of what that will be is a long ways away but we do bits asking for more and more then release. But I need to work him more in collection and gain strength, it takes a lot not to get overpowered.

You can see canter is easier for him, when he struggles in the trot or finds what we ask hard and I miss my timing. Wonder would rather break into canter than push through. He needs much stronger in the body, then I think he will settle but it's going to be quite a while. Dressage is not overnight and the things that we're working on will take months-years to reach. 


When Mads asks me to sit against Wonder, what he means is Wonder's momentum and strength is taking over my position and I need to hold my position against his momentum to bring him back to me. On Friday I held my position so strong against him because he was over powering my position that I almost threw up and was nauseous for 20min afterwards. That's why I say this horse is F8CKING strong. I have never ridden anything like it. And it isnt so much in the bridle but how much power come off his hind end in the push off each stride. It is insane and that is what I have to back off the bridle all the time, all that power coming from the hind end and saying Wonder back off. Carry yourself. Back off. Carry yourself. He doesnt develop as bulky muscle but if you saw him in life, he really looks like a body builder. It's what the vet and people comment every time they see him. 

I'll also say seat and position is also how you create more jump in or more collection or rhythm in the canter. There are a lot of details there. It is gradually how Im changing the mechanics of Ranja's canter and getting her to work more through her body, with more jump, reach and collection rather being a series of parts and trying to get all those parts to go in one direction, rather than attempting to micromanage a bunch of parts. It's teaching a system to work together, if that makes sense?






He is still weak right hind. A VET has looked at him, it has been ultrasound and xrayed. He's also had body work. He has also had full back x rays, been x rayed from poll to feet. That is going to take time to strengthen and get the coordination. He has a harder time pushing off that leg. It's a strength and coordination issue and I think it stems from the spermatic cord on that side being shorter for so many years that it will takes time to re-develop his body. So it is retraining muscle memory and honestly in a lot of ways it is like re-developing him after surgery because his body has changed. I cant explain it but I can feel it, just going to take time. Mads has developed multiple riders up the levels and has more of the British style teaching. Big things shorter reins and more leg lol. 






Working on the trot. The only way to help him gain strength, collection as well as reach is to do a lot of moving a bit forward and back without losing rhythm and not pushing him too forward or outside of his comfort zone. We also stretch quite a bit. The piaffe/passage work is important as well to developing his trot. We played with that a bit too in the lesson. Unfortunately that part wasnt recorded or the counter canter loops and flying change but it was REALLY nice of my friend to video when she had other things she needed to do. So Im thrilled for the video I got. She'd pop in and out when she could. I offered to buy cake (Danish for thank you, here is pastry and sweets) but they said no, not healthy. 






Reason why I carry a whip on Wonder. I do not use a whip to create forward energy or reactivity. I use it for the more collective work and to help regulate the trot. You'll also see I almost never touch Wonder with a whip. If Wonder sees the whip move in canter, he leaps and bucks. So in canter holding it still. In trot, I use the movement of it to help with the rhythm and activity, especially when we schooled some passage and he can be touched with it in the trot. VERY important the horse CAN be ridden with a whip if the goal is to ever train piaffe/passage. Else most people will never do that, so it isnt necessary. Also fun to watch and ACTUALLY WATCH top riders school and warm up horses and you will see the weaknesses, loss of rhythm, mistakes, acting out and how that is addressed. See the reality of training and developing horses. It is very eye opening. People expect people to ride, warm up and school like it looks in the ring. No it doesn’t. Actually watch progress of horses, real progress and again eye opening. I am so glad my trainer at home had me get on as many horses as possible at different stages of training so I could feel what she wanted out of the young horses as they were developing. 

Another thing is I use the whip into the transitions to create more engagement. The whip is for collection and rhythm, not forward. Engagement. 

There are a lot of details in riding and horses that I can see, that sometimes I get annoyed because most, even trainers dont see it. I can see a tilt in the pelvis, I can see how the muscles work through from hind to back, I can see where something is and details. It's the details. I can see the extent of how reactive a horse is, or how strong they are or how hot they are. I can often times see what is rider and what is horse that most people "think" they can see but they havent the eye they think they have. I can see things a lot cant and sometimes it makes me frustrated. The people Im around totally know what Im talking about and see it too but it amazes me sometimes who has an eye and who hasnt. Karla has a great eye, as does Simone and Nicolai and of course Mads. He can see how hard Wonder is to ride and when I ask why is Wonder so difficult? I mean just riding him, even without the personality quirks is HARD in a way I didnt know was possible. He will never make me "look good" but my God what an education Im receiving from him. Wonder is a horse to wait for, give us a few years. He's going to be something.

The thing too I need to remember is an upper level rider and a lower level rider looks for very different things and have a very different perspective. It's something people have reminded me. I have a friend (who showed 4th and has her L judge on a very difficult horse and knew me as a young horse rider) say you're working to produce a GP horse, most people are trying to figure out how to get to 1st or 2nd level. They dont understand what you're doing, they dont see what is going on. They've never seen or sat on a horse like Wonder, so how can they understand? I remember she also told me once that she thought I was completely high when I told her Wonder was more talented than Frankie. Murray (international British trainer) told me between my then two horses, it depends on my goal. If you want to show PSG and get scores in the 70s and be told how good a rider you are keep the mare but if you want to ride the GP and actually be a good rider keep the thoroughbred. Now she says, I see it. He has a talent for collection, she never had.

Also I show the steps, not to say this is perfect but to say the imperfection is a part of the journey. I see what we need to work on, Mads has given me a list and my friends on their ideas and suggestions. One of the friends is on the national team and schools PSG-I1 on a horse she made who is also quite tricky and spicy, another has shown 4th with scores in the 60s and 70s on a very difficult horse she made herself. And has her L judge. 

Dressage is a lot of moving forward and moving back and understanding the horse you're sat on, rather than trying to fit that horse into a box.

In other news for education, still struggling with python, psychopy and "R." But I am fascinated by research we're doing on perception, development of language and body langauge, how the mind and body connect to allow interpretation. Why perception is NOT reality. How people see what they want to see.

Responsibility and mental illness as well as Criminality and the mind are two subjects I may write my final paper on. They would be conflicting. With criminality it would be about to what extent can be people be held responsible for their actions and with responsibility, it would be about the importance of being held responsible and not exempt on account of mental illness and finding that balance between understanding limitations and why someone is the way that they are and also to still be held responsible and having to work through the mental illness to figure out how to be functional and integrated into society and be a participating member in society (if possible). Some people are not function or safe to themselves and others and where that line may be.

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In other news Wonder and I have our new semi custom saddle. I quite like the seat but I must say sitting against Wonder in it is SO hard. I dont have the strength. Literally almost threw up Friday in the canter from sitting against Wonder and not letting his momentum take over my position. He's so F*cking strong, literally would have to sit on him to understand what I mean by that. He can easily over power a rider, it's every stride sitting him back and backing him off the contact. I have a very strong core and back, holding that position so strong against him. I almost threw up and was nauseous for 20min or so. I have to figure out how to ride Wonder in it because I dont have the same seat connection, I do not feel as able to talk to Wonder. And he's one it's all about the little details that you cant see. This is a horse you really have to know what you're doing on and really be self aware because little errors mean getting ran off with, losing rhythm, rearing (literally, I positioned for shoulder in but Wonder sucked back and I put both legs on and he went up bareback). In the lesson he went up as well because I half halted and asked he bring his back up and Wonder was like YOU CANT MAKE ME. But I stayed firm and Wonder was like oh right, that's not a big deal. Mads was like okay then, that was a bit dramatic. It was a subtle aiding, so I was like really Wonder? And he was like it was how you asked, you didnt ask with your mind. You demanded. I taught someone how to ride laterals on him and I said you cant rely on your aids, you have to rely on your mind. The stronger you are in your aids the stronger her will turn his body into steel against you and he will not move. He pushes into pressure if you rely on your body. You have to rely on your mind. She laughed so hard when I was saying it then she felt the results and was like OMG WTF! I said you felt it didnt you? And she was like I've never been taught that. And I said they dont teach that. Same on the ground, a lot of the battle and communication is in the mind and presence of the handler. A lot of horses wont try stuff with me that they will with others.


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## knightrider

You OK? @DanteDressageNerd, I miss your interesting posts.


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## SueC

Happy New Year, @DanteDressageNerd! :hug: :cheers:

:charge: :falloff: :rofl:


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## DanteDressageNerd

Happy New Years Everyone!! knightrider, Sue. I'm alive. Just really shouldnt have worked on this post when I have a paper due on Friday and written pages on paper but not on text or inserted the citations. Did no sleep but 1hr last night because I've been struggling with insomnia. Just cant sleep. Im too wound up in my head.

I've been really busy and focusing on life. I have a project due Friday, data isn't quite what it needs to be...my ONLY goal is to pass. Im trying to work with non-numerical data and actually just manually doing the statistics because I cant figure out how to get 'R' to do it.

Im experimenting on human perception and how people perceive different kinds of art and what the trend of word association is, whether emotive, figurative, abstract or descriptive.

Wonder has been really good. He is still quirky and most days extremely hot, some he walks nicely on a loose rein but pretty much always rides like a freight train. Massively powerful hind end, so he hits the bit very strong and I had to set a limit. I roll my eyes so hard when people with hardly any experience and haven't really worked with a large variety of horses or done much in dressage tries to act like they know what to do with him or a horse is machine and all methods apply the same to every horse. Or you get the right algorithm, they can all be trail broke and I just laugh and Im like clearly they havent worked with a large enough data set to get it. Would get a kick out of seeing them try to work with Wonder. Wonder is so self confident, he'd be un-phased just take a bit to correct and theyd be in the ER and Id be like. Must be a pretty far fall from your high horse, holier than though ideology. But Im a "let the horse" speak for itself type. Always cracks me up when people actually sit on Wonder and they're like he's pretty much exactly as you describe him and Im like yeah I try to tell it how it is. I dont exaggerate, just share the experience. If people want to learn something they can, if they want to be jerks, it's not really my problem. I know the truth and I tell it. Can back it all up.

How I know a person or trainer doesnt really know much is they tend to deal is absolutes, rather than "it depends." If they tend to use absolutes that's almost a sure sign they're giving someone some cool aid to drink.

I was thinking about group biases or click, how many people lack objectivity and critical thinking. They tend to do more group think and base their opinions based on whether or not they like someone rather than objective observation or actually learning to know what they're talking about or actually be open to learning something new. So if they dont like someone, no matter what they do it is horrible and criticized and if they like someone, that someone can do no wrong. I also find it funny how in about everything, the people who are the most inexperienced and ignorant have the most trash to say.

I find a lot of people want to assume a black and white world based on assumptions. We assume most of our environment because we can actually only receive 2D and our brain fills in the gaps. I find most people are not especially curious in understanding why or asking someone for their thoughts. Im wondering why people lose that along the way in their development. Children have to be curious to figure out how to interact in their world, they're like little scientists and I wonder where the "adult" kicks in and loses curiosity and an interest in REALLY understanding rather than assuming. But I think they want a black and white answer and cant understand dimension. My theory on that is they lack curiosity and base on assumptions without realizing their own cognitive biases (we ALL have cognitive biased but it takes work to take a step back to see).

I also find it amusing how people keep saying they dont care what people think or hate drama, yet are always bull talking other people, stirring the pot, causing drama, lose friends left and right and still think everyone else is the problem. Im just like alright...it's fine you do what you want but Im staying clear of you.

And I'm kinda an acquired taste of a personality. I also think because I stand for myself and dont take any bull from people. I'll stand up and disagree and I dont mind if someone explain their disagreement with me and explains their position because to me that's just conversation and communication. Nothing personal about it, just clearing the air. Assumptions are often wrong. Often we need to question our own narrative and ask is that accurate? How do I know that? Rather than assuming, ask!!! Much prefer that to having to guess what people actually think or mean. I kinda hate politeness in a way, yet Im generally very polite and respectful but I'll speak my mind(explain that one?) because people wont just say what they mean and have an actual conversation. They'd rather go to dark rooms, in protected spaces and hear what they want to hear.

I dont know, I dont pretend to be that nice but I am real and pretty straight forward. Complicated but I'll describe my perceptions precisely as I see it be darned whether people like me for it or not. I figure, if they have a problem with me and hate me, then they can shove right off because it's not my problem, it's theirs. I'm gonna live my life and do my thing. And I notice some people really hate/resent that in me because they want to control someone or have someone to look down on or someone that worships them. I dont do that sh!t. People who say they dont play games, play the most. Even in friendships, it's always a game of garbage and figuring out whose real and who isnt. Fake people think theyre real too. With my friends, it makes me HAPPY to see them succeed. I dont feel good if I think Im "superior" to them, I just want us all to do well and celebrate the difference. People have different strengths and weaknesses and that's okay. It doesnt have to be a competition. Everyone has room to grow and it should be exciting to see someone do well.

Not my job to cater to people, Im never nice because I want something and I guess Im kinda nice but I dont really think of myself as "nice." Like I have a big heart and I'll do the "ethical" thing I actually really care about people when I care for their sake, not for them to boost my ego or accept me. I pretty am what I am, take me or leave me. Make an effort to understand or dont it's not my problem. And I swear a lot. I had someone say wow you really just dont give a care what people think do you and I said I do but I dont. Generally find I earn a lot of respect from people who actually know me because they know where they stand with me and I dont fake-it with them for politeness sake, I say what I mean and mean what I say. And sometimes I'm an jerk but for some reason people like me *shrugs* I know, I dont get it either.

Had a 1 month depression episode followed by a 10 day manic episode which was interesting. I am a bit of a different person when manic.

I also put on Christmas weight, I'll lose it soon!

Nov Walk pirouette. The foot must never stick all 4 feet must pick up and put down.





Wonder half pass, note with Wonder he pushes into pressure. So to get a stronger reaction, cant use a stronger aid. Have to ride from the mind and intention then position. He turns his body into hard wood, if a rider is too strong and totally unmovable.





trot work










Collected work, half steps and walk





Wonder the freight train, change then collected-halfstep-piaffe work at end





snaffle beginning passage











Karla (my friend on the national team who rides PSG-I1 on a horse she made) rode Wonder. Was super funny. She was like holy cow he's insanely strong, this is not what it looks like lol. She's a fantastic rider who has a really difficult horse, so it was funny. She was like you dont exaggerate on him at all. Said there is no doubt in her mind Wonder will do the GP and be quite a successful horse in the future because all his power comes from behind. Said he rides like he has a spark plug up his butt and like he wants to take off with you and at the same time move in collection. The trot she was like, just like mine have to organize every foot fall or spastic trot legs. I have video but I dont post my friends riding him because we'll say he doesnt make anyone "look good" and it's not fair to judge a rider based off of how they ride Wonder. He's so difficult. Karla and I only know of ONE trainer we have access to who could ride him. I have another who was an international GP jumper that rode him and got ran off with adn over powered. Was so funny because a moment before I said Wonder might run off and he was like nah he may be strong but Im stronger and boom there goes Wonder.


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## whisperbaby22

Happy New Year.


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## knightrider

@DanteDressageNerd, I wouldn't mind some updates. You are back riding in a saddle. What do you think of Wonder's saddle fit nowdays? On a scale of one to ten? Extremely happy? Just OK? Not quite right?

Also, it's been awhile since Wonder had the surgery. How much did it seem to help him? Fantastically? Much better? Only slightly?


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## gottatrot

knightrider said:


> @DanteDressageNerd, I wouldn't mind some updates. You are back riding in a saddle. What do you think of Wonder's saddle fit nowdays? On a scale of one to ten? Extremely happy? Just OK? Not quite right?
> 
> Also, it's been awhile since Wonder had the surgery. How much did it seem to help him? Fantastically? Much better? Only slightly?


Ditto!


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- Happy New year to you too!!

knightrider and gottatrot- I like Wonder's new saddle, I like my old one better but I like it. It is a good saddle. Can put me in a chair seat but that's alright. It fits pretty well. He also had a special pad custom made for his asymetry as well. The makers of his saddle also work with Catherine Durfour, Helgstrand dressage and Blue Hors, so they're really good and know their stuff. They're also good to deal with HOWEVER they are expensive. But I always think might as well have it done right the first time then throw money around trying to get something half as good.
. 
The surgery made a HUGE HUGE difference, I cannot even explain how big of a difference it has made. The differences continue as he goes. I've been told it takes 6-7months to see the full scope of the differences. He is much more even behind, he is able to use his hind end, back and body in a way he had not before and he is definitely more ridable. He's still Wonder, the intensity and power and drive is all there. It's just more so. I think he is hotter. But in a more manageable way. His trot is still REALLY hard to ride and manage, I still have to ride every foot fall and have to organize between the push, half halt and organization every single stride. You can see in the recent trot one where he pushes past me and so misses the half halt in that organization, falls on forehand and breaks rhythm. 

I absolutely think the more powerful and large strided the horse, the harder they are to organize. The push off the hind end takes a long time to develop and organize with the rest of the body and to develop high degrees of self carriage. Canter is going to take a long to develop true self carriage and lightness. I think of his gaits the canter is the hardest to ride and organize, He is so strong and hard to organize and NOT get over powered by. Karla didnt canter him more than a few strides. G-rated version, what in the was that? OMG that is insane, how do you ride that? Jesus Wonder! She said he just feels like he wants to explode and has no interest in meeting you half way about that. If someone cannot organize the canter and keep him with the rider, it takes a LOT to get him to meet me half way on keeping WITH my seat rather than over powering it and pushing me around. It takes a lot to sit against him and the moment you dont, he's like bam in Wonderland.

Again I do not show videos of my friends on him, except a while ago with Nicolai jumping (former GP show jumper) because honestly most people look like a sack of potatoes on Wonder, even though they are VERY competent and VERY good. I had a friend who couldn't post his working trot, it is rough. I think it's gotten better but it is an awful trot to sit. Ranja's is really bouncy too but Wonder's is rough and she is very sensitive, so much easier to regulate and ride vs Wonder pushes into pressure. So getting a light reaction from him is quite tricky and has taken a lot of work. 

___________

On the whole Im still really busy with my studies. I have an oral exam on the 13th on the WHOLE book and we don't know what question we'll be asked then have to talk for 30min on it. Super stressed and terribly unfocused. The details, I get hung up on the details. It's a neuroscience class, so very technical.

Also trying to work out managing my different problems with executive functions. I want to understand it, so I can manage it more effectively because it's REALLY hurt my life outcome. 

Clinically diagnosed with ADHD, Autism and Bipolar disorder. I cannot structure time, I have to have alerts. I cannot time manage. I cannot handle certain basic functions, most adults have no problem managing. I literally cannot and people DONT understand because they dont have a problem but I literally cannot. It isnt laziness or a lack of trying, it's a literal inability for which I have to try to figure out a system that allows me to get by. It's like telling someone in midst of a panic attack that oh you created that in your mind, it's your fault, figure it out, you shouldnt have panic attacks. It actually makes me angry some of the things I've heard people call those with ADHD like slacker or lazy or full of excuses. When I hear that nonsense, I know it's coming from an uneducated source. It doesnt help and lacks all empathy and awareness. 

I think being accountable and responsible is very important but also being fair, objective and realistic. Having real empathy for others which is understanding and not sympathy. Sometimes all anyone wants is just to be heard and understood, to connect to someone. 

I put so much energy into understanding because it is the only way, I know how to adapt and function. The world is not designed for people like me and will not understand. They hold everyone accountable and responsible the same way, so the job of people who are different is to adapt and try to figure out how to function in a world not designed for them.

Executive functions
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/…/k…/executive-function/

Women with autism and executive functions
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releas...-vAb2pEncbzfjjtfgZ5280Fw1P3ZCRyk1LaFFZlXKgH-s

ADHD. I process and learn new things SLOWLY. It SUCKS in a university experience, take 10 times more work. It SUCKS and is quickly exhausting. My working memory is poor.





Good Ted Talk on ADHD





Just funny and true. I want to write a sequel about what happens when the "panic monster" dies. Mine is dead. I had an incident last year that I can't stress like I used to





The basics executive functions that seem so simple and most people take for granted is a daily struggle for me. I have not been able to crack it and I cant figure it out but Im trying. The thing is this world doesn't give a hoot what someone struggles with or how life might be harder for them, everyone is held accountable the same. So it doesnt matter what is hard for me, I have to adapt and act as though I dont have a problem. 

Love his ProUniformityDisorder. I agree. When you're outside of the narrow structure of what is "normal" or "acceptable" We learn early that something is wrong with us and we start to self loathe. When we fail over and over again for things that are not even our fault but have to take responsibility for and accept the consequences. When you're different, you have to take responsibility and work that much harder, be that much more self aware and figure out how to work with something that you can't over power.

Sometimes I talk about what it's like to have bipolar disorder. Sometimes talking about what it's like to be in a depressive or hypomanic state is hard to talk about and explain when Im not in it. ADHD is also associated with intense emotionality, so emotion regulation is difficult.

The reason I am open about what I struggle with is for people who are curious or interested in learning about these things and how it affects people. People read the DSM5 and I dont think they get it. My sister is very textbook type, rules and highly structured and organized and Im not at all. 

I also have a friend ask me recently, what is the difference between a narcissist and someone who is just very confident? I explained a narcissist lacks true empathy, anything they do is to serve themselves. Their ego and false show of confidence is to show off or get people to compliment them. A narcissist is not actually confident and lacks a true consciousness or a real ability for insight. They are not that self aware, for them everything is about how they appear to others and how others perceive them, not about the truth. They attempt to shape reality to suit the narrative they want believed. If they can't control people, they get very angry. They are always needing ego boosts from others, they do not have an ability to feel confident in themselves without someone else feeding it to them. If that makes sense?

I hate when people use these terms without understanding what they mean. They are not labels to toss around, these words have meaning and lose meaning when people apply it to everyone whose just a real big donkey. There is a big difference between a giant donkey and a narcissist. 
___

This last week I've had two all nighters with 4hrs sleep and I am still recovering from it. 

First 3 pictures story. Wonder loves the heat lamp. I wasnt fast enough to get it on video. What happened was I took all his gear off, a lot of times I'm lazy so when Im alone I just take his bridle off and everything else off and he stays...I also do this when I hose him off...But he walked right past me after I took everything off and goes into the heat box like okay I'm ready. Then he turns around and stares at me like hello, uh heat lamp on? I tell him no, so he starts fiddling with the controls :lol: only Wonder.

Fun fact Wonder is 172cm (17h) and 600kg (1320lbs), he wears a european cob bridle.


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## egrogan

I so wish I could teleport and help you with your programming frustrations. I get it. I'm not a person who cries easily but learning a new program with external time constraints and pressure (nasty professor) literally had me in tears. I'm terrible with languages generally, and programming *is* a foreign language, and only true immersion works for me. I hope you got your analysis figured out! And good luck with your upcoming exam.



Love the story about Wonder and the heat lamp- photos are so funny. The TED talks all organized in one place are great- looking forward to having some time to watch them. Will be interesting to watch them in this order. Thanks for posting.


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## knightrider

I know I keep telling you about books I think you would like, and you have no time to read for pleasure, but I think of you when I read these good books, so here is another one.

_The Second Opinion, (Question Everything)_ by Michael Palmer

The main character has Asperger's and Michael Palmer weaves details about it through the book. It's an edge of your seat medical thriller and really well written. The main character is a doctor, and her father is also a doctor. She travels to Boston when her father is hit by a car and not expected to live. She thinks that instead of an accident, that someone was trying to kill him, and it's up to her to unravel the details. There's lots more to it, but it's ever so good, and the Asperger's details are so sympathetically written. 

I know you are swamped with work, but maybe you keep a list of books you want to read some day, and I recommend you put this one on your list.

PS: If you ever should read it, I would love to know how accurate you feel the details are, THIS is just the way it is; THIS misses the mark, no, it's not like that.


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## ClearDonkey

@DanteDressageNerd haven't heard from you in a while - I hope you are doing okay, and Wonder too.


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## DanteDressageNerd

It has been a year since I’ve updated. I’ve left for personal reasons.

But I thought I’d show some of Wonder because we’ve spent a year investigating into his psychology and physical experts. So many experts, behavioralists, vets, osteopaths, biomechanics experts blah, blah, blah. He hospitalized me, we were handwalking in the arena. Nothing set him off, nothing he just took off and kicked me directly into my pelvis (I am ok). He has a careful diet and is turned out all day every day weather permitting. 

Behavioralists who have had one on one with him and evaluated how I work with him have basically told me he is very unique and has a very different kind of mind. He really has a thing about control and I ran them down what I’ve done with him and the process and they approve of what I’ve done and agree it is a process. Basically he is not normal and you have to be an expert handler/horseman to manage a horse like him. And I was like yeah…he be like that. A very unique individual. They picked up immiedately how clever he is. I said smartest horse I’ve ever seen, I’ve never seen anything like him. 

Physically in right hind he has scar tissue (figured) he has an old right hind suspensory injury which has been treated. Osteopath saw him 4x, he was so misaligned after she adjusted his chest and could sit up properly he measured 174cm or almost 17.1h. It was crazy, I was like no way! No freaking way. He has scar tissue on 3 legs. Biomechanics, osteopath, and rehab expert looked at that and we worked out a plan. Did a lot of hacking when the weather and ground was better. He needs regular work, the more he does the more regular he is. The less he does the more the mechanical lameness affects him. It’s been a huge project. Basically lot of experts and specialists and good to know Im on the right track.

Biomechanics specialist told me the only reason Wonder is sound is because of me and that meant a lot. They also said he is the strongest, most muscular horse they’ve ever seen. Youd have to see him in person to appreciate the muscle mass and how strong he is. I’ve never seen anything like him before either. I think I said to the specialist, yeah he’s pretty muscular and she was like no, you don’t understand. I’ve seen thousands of horses, performance horses in Europe and never seen one as muscular as Wonder. He’s like a body builder. I was like oh, maybe that’s why he’s been so hard to develop. Seriously he can drag anybody in the walk. Nonchalantly drag someone at the walk. He doesn’t give a darn. Wonder does what Wonder wants and good luck trying to stop him. I love when other people try and Im like…yeah I wasn’t exaggerating. 

I also LOVE putting people on Wonder because then they get it and Im terrible, so I sit there laughing going NOW YOU GET IT! NOW YOU UNDERSTAND. Then always HOW do you ride this horse? I have a friend who actually gets along with Wonder really well, she’s super talented. But she can reach him. He’s still hotter than your Mama’s oven for her but she can ride it. She’s learned so much about seat control, riding different trots and how to organize him. It’s impressive.

I guess Wonder schools british “advanced” level. We’ve backed off canter for a bit with biomechanics experts. After the osteopath, he’s actually hotter and more sensitive but more ridable. Still not easy, still working through rhythm stuff but that will probably always be there. Passage and half steps have helped that a lot. He has the hardest trot I’ve ever developed. Been such a project. But it’s very nice now. He will always have something in the right hind but it’s due to scar tissue, not injury or pain. That is a factor in the rhythm issue. Why he goes better the more he does and why turnout makes a difference. 

He also has very hard dense muscle, which is why he takes 30 or 40minutes to warm up and some days have 1hr 30m – 2hr rides. Also a factor is why he carries the tension he does. A friend of mine was riding him and she was amazed, she’s like the more advanced work he does the more he calms down. The more basic the more he’s like OMG Im just taking over and doing my own thing. He’s funny. Sometimes he refuses cookies because he’d rather work. Or I ask for walk and Wonder’s like nah, don’t feel like it. Wonder you will walk. Wonder okay we walk half a circle NOW we go again! And Im like Wonder come back, Wonder Im passaging now you cant make me. Me _laughing_ Discussed with the experts about that and they approved of my plan.

trot





half steps






more trot, he is probably the hardest horse I’ve ever sat. Youd have to sit on it to believe it. His trot is something else. It rides twice the size of what it feels. Takes so much organization and a lot of leg, leg is to lift not to push forward. Same with whip. Lower level riders don’t understand seat control between the push and lift and how to elevate or control the rhythm. 






I’m also the only one who can ride Wonder with a whip. I generally do not but when I do it is for collected work. It helps engage the hind end. Every transition and use of it is like to step the hind legs more under the body.










A lot of days I don’t sit the trot much because I want to keep his back free or days when I sit I do both because he is a horse prone to rhythm errors and he always will be. A lot of days we just do basic stuff, other days we focus on laterals or like parts that are the focus. Just depends what he needs and how his body feels. 

I also took the flash off. I ride pretty evenly between snaffle and double. Wonder is more relaxed in the double, even if the curb is loose. I’ve asked a few coaches about that and they think he find the poll pressure relaxing _shrugs_

Some canter work, this is not perfect. First ask on a pirouette in a while. I was not expecting him to do it. Just see where he was and reward his effort. He is such a good horse. He is a perfect fit for me, he also is good to my friend who owns Ranja and she does great with him. I keep telling her do you see how effective your seat and rhythm control is now. Youre on a jumper teaching a horse who doesnt know passage to passage just by your use and timing of aids.









Wonder canter work collection


Wonder is an ex racehorse, I bought him off of the race track 3 1/2 years ago. He is being developed as a dressage horse.




www.youtube.com





1st attempt as a "passagey half pass" so reach was not the goal. It was more in the trot rhythm, collection and cadence. Not perfect. But he isnt a finished horse either, this takes years.









Wonder


this half pass isnt our best. our goal was not reach and length but collection and getting a baby passage step.




www.youtube.com


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## whisperbaby22

Well it's good to hear from you. And after such a tumultuous year! I've been through a lot with my horse, too - but I enjoy it all the more!


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## knightrider

So delighted to see you back! I have thought about you a thousand times, and said prayers for you. I was worried that something bad had happened. I am so happy that you still have Wonder, are still working with him, and I really REALLY hope you continue to post. People who leave Horse Forum probably have no idea how much they are missed.


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## jaydee

Really nice to read your update, I’ve missed reading your Journal 
Hope life is being kind to you.


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## horselovinguy

_*Welcome Back...*_

Nice to read your continued story and successes...
Please continue to post, many of us enjoyed your updates told of.  
🐴...


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## DanteDressageNerd

Whisperbaby- it sure has been a crazy year! Hope all with your horse is well. And thank you. It's been an adventure!

knightrider- thank you! I appreciate the kind wishes. And I guess not. I figured no one would really miss me if I left lol. 

jaydee- thank you, it hasnt been unkind. I guess it's been up and down. Lots of stress but Im more stable than I've been in years. And Wonder is doing really well, far from perfect but on the right path. He loves his job and is such a good horse. Though he's still very cheeky and has the sense of humor of a naughty school boy. He lured me in for kisses once, I thought oh Wonder. Youre so sweet. Then he pulled his head back, punched me in the face with his nose and took off! I was in shock! He only did it once but I have NEVER seen or heard of a horse doing that. Just oh mom, hold my head and give me kisses to hah, tricked you. 

horselovinguy- thank you. I guess Im surprised, I didnt realize we had so much audience. I just figured well Im a weirdo and my horse is a weirdo but our weirdness works well together _shrugs_ 

Horse behavioralist basically confirmed my horse is very weird. He is a one of a kind weirdo and that's okay, I love and at times hate him for it. He's taught me more than probably any other horse in terms of horsemanship, riding, training, etc. It's been a huge project but we're lucky it's turning out well. He's kinda like a 600kg 17.1h cat with the work ethic of a border collie and the naughty, cheeky sense of humor of a little boy. He's special.

Yes we had a period after he kicked me and I went to the hospital that I thought Id be putting him down. He was completely insane, like tore his hoof and almost hit his coffin bone through a very thick bell boot and was STILL trying to take off and leap in the air with NO, absolutely NO cares given about his injury. I was crying because he was SO hurt and he had NO regard for his well being because he was so obsessed with leaping and trying to take off. I cant tell you how many people I had to evaluate him, he was so unpredictable and just really not safe for a period of time. I walked him down the aisle and he saw another horse and tried to charge them, I stopped him but that was really scary. He had NEVER done anything like that before. I have no idea why, it was so weird. Vets were baffled. He was acting like a person when manic, just reacting on impulse and totally disconnected. That was when he kicked me in my pelvis both hind legs, had he been a stride later he'd have killed me. Glad he kicked me so close contact, so just me pelvis was kicked. Friend took me to the hospital, I was worried about internal bleeding so I didnt want to drive. But I was fine. Just in pain for about 2wks.

Then he stabbed his hoof so badly had he gone a half cm deeper he'd have hit his coffin bone and had to have been euthanized. It was bad, he got his hoof through a thick bell boot. I tried so any different things and experts looking at him, the recommendation was to put him down with cause something neurological or a brain tumor. But a friend recommended a liver detox, I didnt expect it to do anything and within days he was okay _Shrugs_ it was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. The neuro symptoms and the erratic, aggressive behavior stopped. 

I was actually getting paperwork done to put him down last year, he was so bad. But I looked at it as, I had to make sure I did EVERYTHING, tried EVERYTHING I could think of before making that decision. I can make more money, I cant give him his life back. I actually got Tristan Tuckers personal info from a trainer I know who specializes in horses like this. I asked around to so many people and I've had so many people look at him. I'm glad we figured it out but it's taken a lot. A lot of crying, lot of frustration, lot of resources. He had February to May off. 

Wonder in a nut shell, have to be so careful. He will bite and strike and you CANT get after him, correct yes but roughing him up is not an option. It makes him more defensive and aggressive. Have to be REALLY mindful of body position and everything, it is about mindfulness. You have to correct him and re-direct his energy, make the line clear but there are certain conventional things that are a very bad idea. He is unsellable. He is really good now but the horse behavioralist whose evaluated him said, never sell him. The aggression and violent, dominant behavior is always under the surface. He is good because he is heard and given a voice when he whispers. If that is taken away, he'll go back. It has taken SO long to convince him to let me "in" and trust me and be a team player, rather than a 0 to 100 reaction. Behavior and horse psychology takes years to work through. Now he's quite good. He is still VERY VERY explosive hot and strong but he's ridable. What made him so hard before was not how hot he was but how tough and independent minded he was. He wasnt going to meet you half way, he was going to take over and do his thing and say I dare you to make me. Now he's a team player, still very independent minded and always a breath from an explosion but he meets me half way now.















Wonder dance





Wonder trying to sweep





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgRa1kEg9LI

Some stuff to show the changes going backwards.

November bareback because I wanted to ride
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71AAWQbwbfw

Wonder want cookies? No, we work now. Behind scenes, pick up the rein and boom goes Wonder. Everyone who knows Wonder is like how do you ride that bareback? Youre crazy...me....I have ADHD and crave the adrenaline. I hack him bareback sometimes and gallop without brakes and Im like thank God I was an eventer for years so I can keep him from falling on his face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfUQ0YpikPs

October
https://youtu.be/lCMnjm03DhQ

August
https://youtu.be/IgwkD6pZkE4

July canter laterals
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZrGmKjLeF8

June some changes 1st vid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWiRK6DychI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSUXwHblMMU

Countryside Hack
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZJosUmo9Bw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wvF4r9v4CA

Jumping, he lands too heavy to jump. Was heavily advised against it. Just note I used to event.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekuPlUJpTjo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psVI56KDn18

Me on a real jumper, I do jump. The jumpers were like look you can really jump and I was like, well that's surprising. It's been years!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94XCi5UqXgw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbbrNw3m7RI

I also forgot he has special suspensory shoes for his hind end. It fixed a lot behind when he had a specialist vet evaluate him

This is some in hand, he's been a process

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UN2VcVIuQI


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## knightrider

This is why I was so worried about you. I knew that Wonder was challenging and that he had some health issues and that you had some health issues . . . and I knew that only you could manage Wonder. Please don't stop posting now because we want to know how you are doing. We care about you and Wonder. Also, we like reading your posts!


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## ClearDonkey

I echo the thoughts of others - I never really interacted with your journal but I assure you, I read every single post and always looked forward to your next post - no matter if it included successes or set-backs - for either you or Wonder. Very few of us have ever had a truly challenging horse, and even fewer of us could handle or help a challenging horse like you have. I think you bring a lot to this community, more than you know.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- I had no idea I was cared about so much, Im truly touched. We had some really rough bumps early last year. He's still Wonder but I dont feel he's dangerous anymore, he can definitely flip that switch and yes have to be careful with him because he's still Wonder and has that edge to him. But we joke he's found Jesus, other people feel safe turning him out now or handling him which is HUGE for me. People used to be really afraid of him, now they see he's changed.

ClearDonkey- Im truly touched. Thank you. I didnt think I brought very much to it, I tried but I was like what's the point? I put more effort in than I should. And I have a life and dreams in reality to make happen. I also often got the impression, people thought they could do better with Wonder than I could or I was the one creating the problems. Which is definitely not the case and talking to the experts really helped my confidence that Id been doing the right things and was on the right path. I've had doubts, I've cried and been frustrated, broken hearted because I didnt think he'd ever get better. He's still Wonder but he's changed, we joke he's found Jesus now. I want him to find inner peace and balance.

I never wanted "worship" or anything like that, just understanding and basic respect but that can be too high a price for some. I wanted to share what it's like to have a horse like this and there is hope. And to know the reality of it. There is NO extra credit with a horse like this, you get more criticism and flack for the struggle and imperfections and always people who think they can do it better, until they try. However you get a big education and a hefty dose of humility that you can carry to every horse in the future. These are the horses that make riders, trainers and horsemen. You realize most people see by projecting their own inadequacies and insecurities, rather than by being fair or realistic. You realize they're projections are their problem and not your own. When you realize that, you just stop caring what people think in general. And you learn whose opinions have value and whose dont. I look at it as, is it fair? is it helpful? is it thoughtful?

I find people who are vindictive, bitter and spiteful, who are always dissing on others are often among the most mediocre and incompetent. Always seeking the sliver in anothers eye, while ignoring the peg in their own. I think life is better when you focus on yourself, your effort and your journey without worrying about what anyone else is up to. And loving yourself so much that you just don't care what anyone not of value thinks. And being to extend that same love and compassion to others.

Im really touched, Im actually speechless. I was not expecting this kind of response, I had no idea. I've worked so hard with this horse and I have been honest throughout. Not exaggerating but I often got the impression people thought I was exaggerating, making excuses or making stuff up and I wasn't. I spoke my truth and reality, even when it wasnt pretty because I thought it was educational. When I need help, I go to the experts and people who can be hands on, so they get it. What you see isnt always the reality. I'm very used to people judging, being critical, thinking they know better, etc without knowing what they're talking about it. I find experts and people who are very experience are much more humble and less likely to assume too much, they're more in stride and can see the challenges. Or say Im not 100% sure but have you thought of this? And in general, I just want peace. I dont like drama, I dont need the stress, I like living a peaceful, balanced life.

I support and respect people, regardless of what sport or what they want to do. I dont care if someone is a happy hacker out enjoying their horse in the woods or aiming for the olympics. As long as people are fair and respectful to others and their horses. I dont watch anyone ride and go OMG did you see that mistake, I could do so much better. Like come off it and get over yourself. Just because youre insecure, doesnt mean you should take it out on others. When I watch people ride, I always aim to be fair and objective and try to understand the context and situation.

This is a horse someone has to experience hands on to get, how he looks to ride is nothing like how he actually rides. He is way stronger than he looks, every person who has ridden this horse has said he is the most powerful horse they have ever sat on. That includes a rider who is on the Danish national team and a former GP jumper. He is way firmer in mind, the feeling of his gaits are twice what they look. He makes almost anyone look like a rag doll. His mind is the hardest part to win. Force doesnt do it, it's a constant conversation every single stride doing about 20 different things one on top of the other and if one small thing falls the whole things falls apart. That's what Wonder is to work with.

He really is unique and that is part of why I love him so much, I believe in him. He has a big heart and he's so clever and capable. I love him, Im dedicated to him because I believe in him and I had faith in what he could become and will become. I enjoy the challenge because he has made me better for it. He gives as much to me, as I give to him.

Respect is big for me, I've worked really really hard to know what I do and be where I am. Maybe we show, maybe we dont. It's not really a goal but I'd like to because Id like to show what an off the track thoroughbred can do.

Walk work, I love walk work because I find you really see a riders skill and how well a horse is trained in it. Because it makes the details apparent and where there needs work. Riding the walk well is an important skill. Not enough people make the walk a priority but walk reveals all the holes in the higher gaits, the misunderstanding of aids, miscommunications. It is where the aids and expectation are taught and made clear and apparent. And how to work with each rise and fall of the feet. I call it doing the homework. The boring, not flashy stuff that is really super important. 
Walk half pass




Walk pirouette





Same as this video is valuable to me for the imperfection and details shoulder in/haunches in both directions at trot. Horse should follow the riders position.


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## JoBlueQuarter

I was so thrilled to see a notification from this thread!!! It's awesome to see you back and to hear you both are doing well. Wonder is truly a one in a million horse and it's incredible how much you've been able to do with him! No one else would have been able to do anything but give up on him completely right from the start, but you've given him a great life. It's really really amazing and inspirational. Glad to see you back and sharing your experiences and thoughts again!!


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## gottatrot

I agree, have missed your great insights and wondered how you and Wonder were doing. Such an interesting update, it's good to hear you have learned more about what is going on with him and made some progress. I learn a lot from your experiences so hope you will keep sharing!


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## DanteDressageNerd

JoBlueQuarter- Sincerely thank you, I'm touched. I guess for me, I just see it as I believed in Wonder and had faith one day it would get better, even if at the time it was frustrating and had me crying myself to sleep for a while. He makes me laugh almost every day and he really is very sweet. He's just a bit extreme with a mind of his own and the will to act on it. He's basically a giant cat with the work ethic of a border collie and the sense of humor of a cheeky school boy.

It was funny my friend who rides him was calling him crazy and I was like no, he's not crazy. He just thinks for himself. Another friend who knows Wonder was there and was like uh Cassie, Wonder IS crazy. And I was like no he's not. He's just unique and has a mind of his own. They both stared at me in silence.

gottatrot- Thank you, I try to be educational or informative. We're not perfect but hey we get up every day and try to be better than yesterday.

Im just speechless, I'm very touched to receive such a warm welcome. I was not expecting it. I really didnt think anyone would miss me. 
---------
Some thoughts.
As I get older, I think the biggest change is how I place others. I used to care about essentially everyone. Difference between me and most is when I care, I really care and will go above and beyond for the people I care about. My words are backed by action. When I dont care, I really don't.

I treat everyone with basic respect and dignity because that's just basic decency and good manners. Having good character matters, could care less about how polished someone is or how much they say the right thing. I can see through the fake in a nano second. And smile like I'm oblivious, best to let people think you're just stupid. People like their egos validated, so I let them be smug and mind my own. People are really nasty if they know, you know their game. And I'd rather have peace, I have nothing to prove to people I dont value or respect.

As you gain experience, you learn to see through people and look for good character and a kind heart above all else. People who are consistent, whose actions back up their words. People say a lot but it's usually meaningless. I have very low expectations of people in general









In my daily life, I value peace and balance. I seek a balanced life and to help those around me find emotional peace and balance. This includes animals.

People see what they want to, regardless of if its true or not. Most people see through projection and trying to protect their egos and shield their insecurities. Cant take it personally or value their words.

Most people have weak minds and average character. Cant expect too much from most people. Expect nothing and sometimes people surprise you. And when they do, treat them well.

Im still very kind, compassionate and have a big heart but I mostly reserve for myself and close friends, family. But I honestly give few cares about what anyone thinks. Only the people I value and respect. Everyone else? I could care less and I like it that way.

In general, I dont really care what people do so long as they're not hurting anyone and they're not being a jerk. Their business is their business







My sense of self worth isnt attached to anyone but me. 

I know what I am and what I am not and that is such a simple statement but trust me the meaning of it changes with time and wisdom. If you get the power of that statement, you get it but most don't. And that's fine.

Also realizing the power of meaning behind words and phrases really means something different to everyone. It entirely depends on their experience and how they perceive. What they perceive and are offended by or take personally says a lot more about them than it does you.

Ask yourself, was I fair? Was I reasonable? Am I being objective or projecting?

I dont let people into my life often and for a man to find a place there, he has to really be something special in terms of character, heart and intellect. Im open to it happening, I'd make room for the right person but I dont seek it and don't need it. Im too busy focusing on me and my life, improving myself every day. And truthfully I dont see anyone ever coming into my life that will be what I need and I'd rather be single than entertain anyone who isn't really "it." People just arent worth it.

You can't make anyone treat you like a priority. How they treat you is where they place you in their lives and how they value you. Dont take it personally, just realize the reality.

Wonder had 4 days off due to finals. Riding him today was quite fun...mostly kept it light and just focused on details and basics. I was surprised, it wasnt very exciting or explosive. I was expecting him to ride like a kite. He wasnt quiet but he wasnt ok if I breathe wrong I might get ran off with. Did a bit of in hand work after the ride, that was exciting. I very gently laid the whip on his butt and he did a capriole. Leapt up in the air and kicked out with both hind legs. I was like really? He didnt get loose but the dramatic reaction had me like 🤦‍♀️ why Wonder? He is desensitized to it but he is Wonder, so sometimes you just go 🤷‍♀️🙆‍♀️ Im sure someone could teach him the high school movements but that someone is not going to be me, that is definitely not something I want to sit through and not something I want in his tool box. He's actually quite sensitive and dramatic.

I also ride a 24 (I guess 25 now) yr old former GP jumping mare who is fire hot. She is Wonder's field mate. She cracks me up because she is almost as hot as Wonder. Much easier to ride than Wonder but she's spicy. Breathe wrong and she takes off. I remember the first time I rode her, I was expecting a quiet behind the leg horse and sat on a very sensitive, explosive spit fire of a mare. She and I get along really well, I love her. She's a real red head, she's fine if she likes you but if you dont earn her respect she's pretty nasty.

These are old, I dont really ride her "dressage" I just ride her in balance and keep her fit, no pressure but she LOVES having a job and basically no one wants to ride her because she's quite spicy and particular and too old to jump. She's too old to expect her to sit back and collect. She would insist she is young and can do all things but I always call it, even at the end of a ride she's like more? more? and I'm like Rockie you're old, you may think you can do more but you shouldn't. 











Ranja is pregnant so she is enjoy her time off.

Also from last year, apologies for how dark it is. At the time they weren't so funny, now I find them hilarious and go oh Wonder. 





Mental health stuff
Monday I pulled an all nighter on a final...just because I'm that kind of person, so I'm still recovering.
I need medication to handle my ADHD, it is SO bad. I literally can't focus, I can't. It isnt a will power issue, it's like my brain scrambles and then my body feels like it's on fire because I can't make myself focus. I can't organize, I dont know what to do about it. I'll exercise until Im sweating and can barely breathe, it helps but it doesn't. ADHD isnt a deficit of attention, it is the brain's inabillity to figure out what to focus on or regulate attention. The brain is basically constantly under aroused, seeking enough external stimulation to focus. Often why people with ADHD can have shall we say some extreme habits and be adrenaline seeking junkies (my horse choices). We're basically hungry for dopamine because our brain doesnt produce enough on it's own, it's under aroused and under stimulated. An ADHD brain needs more stimulation to focus because the brain cannot figure out what to focus on. ADHD is NOT a will power of discipline issue, it is a brain and chemistry issue.

Stimulants tend to work to treat ADHD because it stimulates the brain enough so that it can regulate attention. I'm trying to form a new plan of attack. The other big issue is executive dysfunction and I have a double dose of that between autism and ADHD. I've read a few studies that show women with autism have significantly worse executive functions than men. Parts of my brain are broken and just dont work properly, biggest frustration of my life. I can't do some really stupid but very important stuff and it creates a massive amount of anxiety and meltdowns because I cant figure out why I cant just do certain things. I have no concept of time for example and I'll miss doing things because I didnt know I was supposed to or forgot or couldn't figure out how to do it.

Mostly my anxiety has been catastrophizing and over thinking. Had a total meltdown a few days ago which was so much fun. I hate losing control like that because I'll just lie on the floor in the fetal position shaking wondering why Im not good enough or why it's never me. But for the most part I've been relatively stable. I laugh about it when I'm doing ok but it is really painful. Different phases are different mental states and effect perception and thought patterns. I think of it as you can sort of manage life in such a way, so as not to trigger an episode but it'll always come. I try to have healthy thought patterns but when an episode comes, I cant reason my way out. The problem is mostly a conflict between the irrational and rational and me caught in the middle of it.

It's part of why I'm super careful about my diet, low sugar, low carb, GF very few refined foods. Mostly whole food and certain supplements like omega 3s and such. It isnt a cure but it gives me a fighting chance. 

"It's like your mind is tearing you apart from the inside and distorting reality into a way that seems plausible. What people don't understand is how much fight, stubbornness and determination it takes to say, hey you know what my brain tells me Im a burden to everyone I encounter and I may know it isn't true but my brain repeats it so much, it begins to feel real. I can't just silence them because they scream louder and louder until it's the only thing I can hear. Then it becomes a loop of how it's never going to be me, I'm never going to be enough, it's never going to just work out because I'm going to screw it all up somehow. It is never going to be me because for some reason I'm never it. I'm not one of those people life goes smoothly for and I never will be. I've fought for what I have and who I am. I have fought so fing hard and I dont think it'll ever be enough. People dont know how much courage it takes just to face the day."


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## knightrider

It was so lovely to read your thoughts on things like the old days when you were posting. I've really missed it, and I am so glad to be reading them again. You really do have a skill for putting ideas on "paper." Very good writing, and causes folks to think.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- I forgot to respond. Thank you. I appreciate it. I pay attention to a lot of details and I know my autism allows me to see things in a unique way. I think we stand to gain a lot by hearing different kinds of minds and details. I have to know the details or I can't function, my brain can't organize the information until it has enough pieces that there is a flow of how things fit together in a pattern. It's very logical and pattern based. If I dont have that structure. I can't figure things out. I couldnt do very simple tasks for a very long time because I would over think to debilitation.

This one is kinda for kicks because people often say dressage horses are held together with heavy hands. It's for fun, it's just dressage smile and laugh a little. Dont take it so seriously. Part of getting Wonder on my side was making it a game.





This cracked me up. He is just like "try everything" and Im like well, Im gonna post and see if I can encourage him to trot forward. He loves the passage, for a while it was his evasion. Me: turn on forehand? Wonder: passage? Me: Wonder passage is not the answer to everything. Wonder: are you sure? Really sure? I want to passage now Me: asks again for turn on forehand, Wonder: well fine Ill do it but it's less cool.

The passage is much harder to ride then it looks and transitions between different phases takes a long time, especially on a horse with rhythm issues. He was pretty hot today, can hear it. When he's like this he's quite anxious and takes a lot of tact. He's very hard to sit. He turned a friend of mine on the national team into a rag doll and she's a phenomenal rider.










Half pass, this is still developing. More time and strength it will get better but nothing starts perfect. Haunches leading but to get this steepness will take time to get smooth and fine tuned





ATM trying to isolate where all these doubts and worries are coming from. I can't shut them off, it's like they're on replay in my head. Over and over they spin. Why arent I enough? These are irrational thoughts, they can't be reasoned with but they are distressing. I know they aren't real but it still hurts the same. There is a difference between what we think and know vs what we feel.

Wonder is trained mostly to follow the seat and position, coordination and organization of aids, leg to seat and back to hand. I'm british trained, also been taught some french and portuguese classical. Some German and Danish methods. Learned from a biomechanics specialist, as well as sport horse rehab vets in how to address and improve different issues. Working rehab and breaking young horses for a job was actually extremely valuable, learned a lot.

These are general thoughts not aimed anywhere, so if anyone takes them personally perhaps they need to take time to reflect upon themselves. Part of why I think so much and with so much detail is because I have ADHD and autism and bipolar and anxiety, history of trauma _yay_ because Im just lucky. Someone actually asked me how I got so lucky and I said, well when God made me he decided I needed to be extra funny, so he provided me with plenty of material. But I dont regret or feel sorry for any of it because it makes me, me and Im able to help people and understand them because of it. There are gifts that come with it, though a lot of pain and losses.

With Autism I HAVE to understand the details because I dont think in words, I think in how things move together and fit. And with ADHD I cant stand to be bored, I am constantly thinking and improving. My wheels are ALWAYS spinning. I never really "rest" , also why I need a horse like Wonder because it takes everything I have to work with him. It keeps my brain engaged because I have to or he'd probably kill me.

Developing horses is a process, it doesn't start where it ends. There are many phases along the way and it varies horse to horse, depending on their conformation, the goal and that individual horses mind.I can generally tell who knows their stuff by their understanding of training and development. An experienced person notices the course of development and has faith in the long term plan and doesnt get caught up in the short term or superficial things.

There is a big difference between a horse who is light due to self carriage vs a horse who is light due to avoiding the contact. I see a lot of people aim for lightness for lightness sake but they have a horse who is never truly connected, over it's back or in the contact. That is not light or correct. I'd rather see a horse get behind but stay through the back, then see one with a hollow disconnected back.

I see so many riders try to create lightness before they have anything in the hand and then wonder why their horses is never truly connected.

A lot of times when I ride in the double, I actually put my snaffle rein under my middle finger and my curb rein under my pinky. I just find this work with Wonder, I also tend to ride a little loose in the curb because Wonder is sensitive to curb pressure. I find he prefer the double even if the curb is loose, the curb pressure seems to relax him _shrugs_

It's about the development long term, not the superficial short term. You can't start where you end or you'll always be managing a bunch of parts that dont fit together. It's not in the superficial polishing details, those come last. It's in the building blocks and paying attention to the interaction between the aids and reactions, everything boils down to that. Effective use and organization of aids come first.

It isnt always about riding big forward paces. In the low levels maybe but if a horse is actually being developed for the upper levels, collection - actual collection starting from the hind end, not just lifting the head and neck but lowering the croup and bringing the hind legs more under the body with good cadence and activity. I see so many riders just lift the head and neck and not bother with the hind legs. They might have false lightness but never throughness.

The more power a horse has, the harder they are to ride and organize.

Harmony, balance and fluidity of motion matter a lot more to me than petty details.

Just because tradition says it, doesnt make it so. I always prioritize the mind, then the body and what the body and harmony of the body is doing, head neck is not priority. Mind then body.

It is interesting to me, I can generally tell who rides/develops for the sake of praise and ego validation vs who rides and grows for the sake of developing skill, wisdom and understanding.

I see so many riders that are totally disconnected in their bodies between seat, leg and hand. They dont know how to use the leg or position to create balance or how to use the leg to hand half halt, nor how to time and organize the aids in a thoughtful and effective matter. And that's okay, nobody is perfect but that should be a priority. Not how pretty one sits.

Or I see riders who pose because they have an idea in their mind of what perfect it is and chase that, rather than learning how to use their body and aids effectively. It becomes quite apparent in their riding. Seats that hollow out the back, rather than bring the horse more through and supple. My seat is very supple and wont be "still" but look at the difference in my horse's back and movement because my seat is fluid.

I use a lot more leg on a horse like Wonder who is explosive hot than I do on a lazy horse because I am organizing so much and using my leg and half halts to organize. Leg isnt necessarily a driving aid, sometimes it's a collection aid. I use it a lot to organize and sit him back. Example leg to hand half halt is for collection.

I dont get the obsession with sitting trot. I see a lot of people sit before their horse is strong enough and hollow out their back. Even the GP horses, I see a lot of riders post schooling because it is about creating freedom. They arent always sitting, just in the ones they post on social media.

Also a project I had for about 6 months. We'll call B. B was very special, not sane. I had high hopes in the beginning but as I came to know him I think there is some deep PTSD and trauma because very extreme unreasonable reactions. He had been evaluated by vets and specialists from the top down, so none of this was physical. He put two international GP riders riders in the hopsital...so I was asked if Id be willing to work with him for about 6 months and I was like sure. I cant promise anything but Ill give it a go. What I learned from that is I'm getting too old for this and I like hot and difficult but not insane horses. Im growing up lol.

B is little maybe 15.3h? My specialty is special, always what people know me for. Oh it's crazy and put someone in the hospital, I know a rider...but Im growing up. Im learning to say no because apparently Im learning how to value my life.

Wonder is intense and yes he's dangerous but he also has a good heart and he would intentionally hurt you. B had no regard for the well being of anyone but himself. He wasnt meant but very dominant and could care less about the rider. I spent 5 or 6 weeks just on the ground with B before I ever sat on him.

Watch at about 18sec





Mounting was a big deal for a LONG time, I had to wait to ask permission to swing my leg over or he would leap in the air buck and gallop. When I first started with him, he'd just run from the rider. It was so extreme. See that reaction when I just moved in the saddle. HUGE project just getting him to take movement side to side in saddle, reins, everything. It was such a SLOW process. B was not very smart, just reactive and fast.
https://youtu.be/T-U3mCVLooc

He was really dangerous to ride for a while, couldnt let go or my life was quite literally in danger. It was mostly about self protection than really accomplishing. I felt like my life was in danger every time I rode him. Fortunately Im ADHD, so I can feel that adrenaline and it makes me eerily calm. I can generally calm and harmonize this kind of horse but B he improved a lot but bit of a bummer. B was NOT hot, sensitive but not hot. With these kind it's really heads or tails whether they can be changed. And maybe in time he will idk
I had a lot of hope the first week
https://youtu.be/AZ2L1DIZ39M
https://youtu.be/Iooqxkalt9I

Ground
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4-xDh2pNUA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ek9FwKv0Gdc


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## gottatrot

I wonder if B might have a physical problem that we can't know about. I've thought about things with horses like floaters in the eye that spook them, or I heard about a horse that had a facial nerve that apparently zapped him sometimes like an electric shock.

That is something I'm also realizing nowadays, that reactive horses that are not hot are more difficult to change than hot reactive horses. When you have more drive, it is easier to create change. Without the drive, it is difficult to get the movement unless you are in the middle of an anxious reaction, where the horse is not thinking clearly. 

I've had to revise my training for Hero, and we are doing more work at the walk than I have ever done before. The hotter horses were thinking best at higher speeds. He thinks best at the walk.


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## mkmurphy81

I'm also glad to see you back. A lot of us enjoy reading your journal, even those of us who mostly lurk.

When I was a kid, I had a horse with just a drop of Wonder's attitude. She was wonderful for me but nuts for anyone else. I still think that BO was crazy for ever letting a kid ride her at all. Somehow, it worked. After reading about Wonder, I think my mare was a kitten.

I enjoy how honest your writing is. I have a son with ADHD, and I teach students with learning disabilities including ADHD and autism. My experience with them helps me understand where you're coming from, and your writing helps me understand how their minds think.

Please continue posting.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Apologies for length, I got carried away. Apparently also an ADHD tendency 

gottatrot- that is very possible, how can we ever know for sure? I appreciate the good thoughts  The fascial nerve sounds terrible, poor guy  I think there is something wrong in the processing center of his brain (how he processes sensory input), he just doesnt have normal reactions to things and I think it goes beyond sight. It reminds me of an autistic child with overwhelming sensory issues, he's so over reactive to any sensory input that he completely moves away from his rational brain into a state of chaos and reaction. I could get him rational on the ground but then it didnt carry to undersaddle. There is some kind of barrier there and sadly I dont have the answers. At this point, he's someone else's problem and I dont need another like that. My life isnt worth it.

I tried to train him to use more the rational side and hoped over time he'd see I had his back but he's honestly very unintelligent. Has the brain of a bird. I didnt think that at first, I thought his emotions were getting in the way but after a while, I started to realize he doesnt really learn or retain. He is so unintelligent that he cant think and that causes him a lot of stress because in the past he was probably pressured to react and he didnt understand because he is honestly quite unintelligent. He just knew the rider attacked him and knowing him, I dont think anybody did anything wrong. I know who he was with and they are VERY good, very skilled and empathetic. He was very fearful of not having the "answer" and I'm very patient about that but he didnt really give me an in to help "explain" the aids. Where I'll walk them through step by step breaking down the aids to the most basic part but he couldn't think through it.

It was weird, I've ridden some dumb-dumb horses but they learned. B I think something is wrong in the networks of his brain. How he processes sensory information, ability to work and retain information. It's really unfortunate, he could have easily been a GP show jumper. We free jumped him over 1.60m and he LOVES it. It was effortless for him. Had to guard the jump shoot or hed take all the jumps over and over. But his brain is something.

I found working with him is the less thinking he has to do, the better. He needs a box and just to do it. He isnt smart enough to have a conversation and it stresses him to have to think.

That makes sense with Hero, it's been a while since I've ridden a horse who isnt so fast thinking. I agree. I find the hot mind much easier to ride than the nervous but not hot one because they tend to be more violent vs the hot one tends to think forward. I think when they're forward and nervous, you have more to work with and to keep their brain occupied. If I can get a nervous, scared horse forward and with my aid and keep their focus (like Ranja, she's very tricky and emotional, very spooky) then I generally dont have problems but if they arent willing to be forward and get too much in their own mind and shut the rider or person out is when they get nervous. I always watch their ears and feel their focus, I think that is the good thing about dressage for the nervous ones. When they understand more and there are more "methods of communication" there is a lot we can do to access their brain and body and reassure confidence. Flip side though I have experienced horses with more psychological and emotional baggage coming from abusive dressage systems than in any other discipline.

Wonder is different, Wonder has to have a voice (he's a lot like a cat) and it is best to earn his mind and desire to work with you. I've known people who tried to dominate him and it just doesnt work because he figures out every loop hole and becomes more extreme, more violent and more aggressive because he is so smart and willful. It's all about mutual respect. I've never encountered a smarter horse than Wonder. He is so quick thinking, teach him something once and he has it and build on it himself. I think he learned shoulder in and haunches in in 5 minutes. Spanish walk in about 15 (this takes most horses weeks and months to get). And that's also why he's so hard to work with because by the time you teach him something, he's already figured out every evasion and then some. Sometimes he does things that scare me because he shouldnt be able to figure it out but he does. And he is always 10 or 20 steps ahead, he can think in advance and that scares me. I cant say that about almost any horse Ive ever met but Wonder can. He figured out what turned on the heat lamp just from watching me.

He knows what he wants and figures it out, and then goes and gets it and that's part of why he's so difficult to work with. Even uses it to pull pranks. He has a cheeky sense of humor. When I hand walk him I have to pay attention or he'll steal my hat or bite my butt and it's fast, I mean zone out a second and boom, Wonder stole my hat and is taking off. Or he came up to me for snuggles and when he realized my guard was down pulled his back and punched me in the face with his nose. And before I could react took off galloping around the arena like a naughty school boy whod gotten away with something. I was pretty mad about that one and he hasnt tried it sense but I was in shock, that was planned the moment he approached me.

He has certain triggers, anyone who handles Wonder has to have a baseline of respect and kindness for him but also expect him to toe the line of respect. It's about communication and on one hand expecting him to be respectful but also respecting him. Getting him to that point has been a journey. Someone who comes at him with arrogance and an attitude of dominance generally provokes Wonder's aggressive tendencies. I think Wonder was mistreated at some point in his life. He used to bite and he can be really aggressive and nasty in the wrong hands. And it isnt that Wonder is mean but he has an independent spirit and he doesnt like sharing control. He is super easy to haul, load, perfect for vet and farrier, really good about all that.

A big factor in why Wonder was so hard was digging under layers and layers of psychological barrier and protections. It scared Wonder to share control. He also doesnt take criticism well, he's quite sensitive about it. It took a while to on one hand set a firm line and barrier, as well as show him that working together is fun and to use his energy for play and try. Rather than aggression and resistance, all of that was related to him not feeling safe sharing control. That took a very very long time. I think this video really shows that, it still makes me laugh. He has such an extreme over reaction about sharing control and being corrected, then comes back like Im sorry I over reacted. Im really a sweet boy ****






But Wonder is gentle as a lamb around children and small animals, he wont move a toe to hurt them. He loves cats and other horses, gets along really well with mares and treats them well. Not a bully in the field, playful but when a horse gets aggressive at him, he just turns around and back into them pushing them around but he doesnt kick them or bite. However if an aggressive dog comes at him, Wonder never thinks to run. We had a german shepherd come at us on a hack. Wonder didnt think to run, he stood up on his back legs and went after the dog and the dog left. Yet if a dog plays at his feet innocently, Wonder knows exactly where they are and he'll look out for them. He has a kind heart, he just has an independent spirit and I like and respect that about him.
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mkmurphy81- yeah. He's a little different. But he has a good heart, he just has this indomitable spirit about him and honestly I like that about him because I'm the same way. So I get it, problem is he's over 1350lbs and almost 17.1h. and can do a lot of damage because he has an opinion.

I think with a horse like this you have to have a really good sense of humor and just laugh and not take it too seriously. address the behavior and re-direct it but dont take it personally. I guess your experience, even as a kid taught you to appreciate what you have and perhaps the horse was more comfortable with you than them. So you had a bond and trust there?

That sounds like a really cool job! I bet you learn a lot working with neurodivergent people! It's a very different kind of mind, autistics and people with ADHD vary greatly from one another.

My autism is pretty obvious if someone is around me enough and when I'm too tired to mask (autistic community word meaning to act in a way, so as to appear neurotypical), it is terribly obvious. Eye contact I can do but sometimes I really cant, because sometimes it scares me. Sensory sensitive, certain textures and clothes I have a big problem with sweaters and things scratchy. When I get talking about something I'm passionate about, if I dont pay attention to my hands I flap and do very clearly autistic things with my body. If a noise comes that I can't handle I'll flap too. I am always tapping my foot or rocking in class. I cant sit still. I one time smelled a very toxic scent from hand sanitizer and started spinning. Totally unintentional, I caught myself like when did I become a dog? Why am I doing this? But I cant really help it and not doing it causes me stress and anxiety. However as a nearly 30yr old woman, I am required to present in a certain way, so I mask but I can only do it for so long because it is taxing.

I have a big problem with obviously chemically, toxic smells. It makes me sick. I very rarely wear perfume and when I do it's the expensive stuff because the chemicals make me dizzy and I just hate it. My home is clean but Im so careful about what products I use or I'll smell it.

However, I think my autism is why I can work with horse's like Wonder.









And thank you, part of why I am honest is because I think the only to reduce stigma is to make people more familiar with it and even if they don't care or think you're just weak, making excuses or whatever other rationality people have when someone doesn't fit the box they're comfortable with. I think the only cure for ignorance is information and not force it but make it known. Cant force anyone to understanding what is written or even care.

I understand things about the experience of autism and ADHD that the researchers do not and I can challenge their research and explain that their model was based on false assumptions and it is hurting people. There are so many pervasive stigmas about neurodiversity, we are always assumed to be a burden and less than for a difference people dont understand and arent willing to. I see people generally like to put people in boxes and when people dont fit those boxes and those assumptions are proven false, people take it personally. And rather than getting to know or understand someone, they push them away or write them off.

Something I wrote about my experience with autism in the education system and studying cognitive science.
"My brain works like a glitchy quantum computer, I am constantly evaluating all possibilities. I have a very hard time with linear learning because for me everything belongs on a flexible scale and spectrum, nothing is fixed. Essentially I am building a model of systematic processes in my brain when I learn. I get overwhelmed and short circuit by too much information at once because translating back and forth between verbal language and sensory information is really hard. Sometimes my system gets so overwhelmed that I cant speak and I am almost mute. I’m very sensitive to what I call “emotional energy” which I don’t know how to explain other than feeling the emotional state of others, including animals. Sometimes I hide from people because I can’t filter out or block all those signals and I get overwhelmed and Im terrified I’ll meltdown. "

I also HAVE to have a tutor, I CANNOT figure new structures and systems out on my own. Once that structure is implemented, then I understand intimately and see how it all fits together and build upon it and discover new things but it takes a very long time. But people in general are short sighted and only see the "now", they dont see what can develop. They just assume typical trajectory is the only and best way and arent willing to give a chance to those who dont fit that box. SO I think a lot of people are falling through the cracks, believing they are useless and not given a chance to thrive. An Environment can enable or disable someone and that is something people need to understand, it isnt just personal responsibility.

And there are advantages, I always have to challenge my assumptions and what I think I know about the world. I always have to challenge myself. If I think I am right, I will cross examine and scrutinize it quite a bit and then I have to verify by what I read in research and what I observe in reality and say does this make sense? I also do not accept research blindly (especially as a cognitive science student). I know how to play with the statistical models to draw certain conclusions or how the questions asked influence the results, as well as assumed biases and interpretations of behavior. A lot of autism research is actually based on false medical assumptions and currently seeing a paradigm shift, as openly autistic people are entering research. I think a lot of research should be taken with a grain of salt and Im surrounded by researchers lol.
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UPDATE
Wonder saw the osteopath and biomechanics specialist today. He still has some spots we're working through but she was so happy with the work she saw. I showed her some of Wonder's videos and she was really happy to see how much he's improved. We're still changing him and Wonder has to be drugged for these sessions. But I was surprised Wonder really has to have me with him when he's worked on or he gets really upset and stressed. I'm his security blanket, the energy change was immediate when I put stuff away. She couldnt work on him, unless I was by him. He was a very good boy though, when she did something that hurt or he was uncomfortable with. He let her know with a look, rather than a body slam or kick. So that's big. A lot of working with Wonder has been showing him that we're listening. Afterwards he just wanted me to cuddle with him and give him kisses, he is so sweet. He was like Mommy, hold my head and let me sleep in your arms.

I think it is also why I try to bring people around me to a balanced and calm emotional state because I think that is when we are our most rational and clear headed. I try to aim for that state in general to be balanced and I have to be with a horse like Wonder. Cannot let my emotions come into play or he is extremely reactive. Really can't get after Wonder ever. He is extremely sensitive and fast. And he isnt a normal horse where he just gets scared, he will come after you.

Wonder knows upward and downward transitions starting from a rise or fall in my emotional energy. He's so sensitive to it. Why most trainers can't ride him or get along with him at all. He can be very sweet to a beginner walking around and Wonder loves children. I would never put one on his back because even if he's on good behavior, his trot is so rough riding they'd fall. I mean people used to huge wb suspension trots struggle to post his baby trot for perspective. How it looks is not how it feels.

I can't stand highly emotive, erratic people who take everything personally and think everything is about them. You cant reason with them or approach logically or rationally, so I just dont. I dont have the energy or patience for insanity. They project themselves into others reality, so if they are inflamed by something someone else says. It often means an insecurity within themselves has been pin pointed and they need to work on that. But those people would rather blame others and avoid responsibility. So for my part, I just keep away and don't play into it.

Dressage in general thoughts

Every movement is a build up of basics. I do not school movements for movements sake or to check a box. I do them to improve my horse's understanding of my aids, as well as to test the progression of strength, balance and understanding of those aids. As well as to improve my horse's way of going. Every movement can be broken down into many different building blocks and parts, you do not start at the movement but the building block before it.

With aids the intention and energy behind it comes before the physical use of it.

I find the biggest difficulty with the progression of dressage is convincing the horse to let the "rider in" and have that degree of influence over their body. Some horses are very uncomfortable with that. I find that usually happens when true collection and more advanced lateral work begins. Horse who were totally fine with basics and baby dolls can become quite a handful. I've seen that time and time again, rider to rider and horse to horse. Not every time but often enough. I think it has something to do with the difficulty for the horse, as well as the emotional and mental consent expected. It's a big part why half pass was so important in Wonder's training, he had to learn to give his body to a rider and share "control." Which for him was a big deal because Wonder doesn't like sharing control. Riding Wonder is accepting he always has a hand on the steering wheel and can take over in a finger snap. It is by his consent and willingness to work with me that I have any influence. And sometimes he just takes over and Im very carefully trying to organize a steam train. 

And there are phases horses go through, I generally see and as coaches have told me when you start true collection. You lose quality of gaits for 6 - 12 months then you get it back and better gaits. I quite agree based on what I've seen not just in Wonder but others too.

A lot of the importance of an aid is the release but if you never use an aid to be effective with there is nothing for the release. The give seen in dressage is for the release of tension, not necessarily to prove self carriage. I think the horse's body makes it very obvious.

Another is the answer isnt always the aid but the organization and tactful and timed use of it. How one horse is ridden isnt how all horses need to be ridden. People who teach one size fits all in my experience are too inexperienced and closed minded to know much.

A big difference I notice in people who are truly experienced is that they can consider multiple approaches and consider the long term progression. They aren't short sighted and arent blinded by what is immediately before them. They can see what a rider is able to do by their system of aids and the horse's reaction. I can often tell who knows something and who doesnt by the kind of assessment they make. I can tell who has experience and who thinks riding is superficial details, pushing buttons and posing.

The head, neck and shoulder come up and hind end lowers. No amount of twiddling the nose in or setting the head and neck will create true self carriage or connection with the horse taking from behind. Fixating on the head and neck will never lower the croup, it's in the body and connection throughout.

When it comes to choosing a dressage horse

I dont get distracted by flashy legs, I see a horse's base mechanics and I really pay attention to the work mechanics of the stifle, hocks and SI area. True collected work is very hard on the hind end. I think part of why I often see some breeds never taught true collection, they cant stay sound doing it. They dont have the carrying power and asking them to do will make them lame. Part of why Dante didnt work as a dressage horse is the collected work made him lame and his stifles couldn't handle the work load.

Also some racing videos of Wonder









Also 3 yr old baby Wonder. I think he was so cute and innocent looking lol. I dont know a ton about his history but I know he changed hands a lot. He also spent a year at a rehab facility in Florida following an incident where he reared on a horse walker, got his legs caught and tore up his front legs. His fronts legs scarred.
https://youtu.be/eeHbNESB7FE

In regards to pictures
I'm not short, I'm 170cm or 5'7. Wonder is about 174cm or just under 17.1h and over 1350lbs. I wish it was possible to show him in person, he's massive muscle wise. Very dense muscles. He cracks me up, he's so extra. I was watching him play with Roxanne through the window and laughing as he was rearing up and down 4 or 5 times and leaping to the sky then passaging around her. I was laughing so hard. Keep in that was after his work session and he worked really hard and he's just like Im good. Me staring going oh Wonder, you're really something extra.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Something I forgot about Wonder, when you ride him with other male horses. The rider has to keep his focus or he WILL go after other horses, it doesnt worry me because I know how to manage it but I pay attention and keep his focus extra hard (like shoulder in or transitions within gait) when he has that energy. He didnt do it but I could feel it in him. I forgot that, he is a lot like riding a stallion but he is an overachiever.

He often gets ahead and it's like Wonder, WAIT FOR ME - WAIT and he's like no, I'm pretty sure I have this. Have to have a very good sense of humor working with him and not take it personally. He has a will and mind of his own, that isnt going to change and I admire that about him.

Have to watch him in the solarium or he'll start swinging the heat lamp lol. He also likes to flick light switches on and off, he knows how to open and close electric doors, he knows what buttons turn on the heat lamp lol. He figures things out really quickly and as he's on the move, so generally have to watch out with him.

He had a day off Saturday, light work yesterday and today we kept it fairly light. Wonder is not a horse you can drill with. It makes him very nervous and anxious because he will try so hard, you have to kinda just show him the expectation, make it really clear and then make sure he relaxes or his brain goes on spin. This is big because he used to go into fight mode, now he tries and knows I'm here for him. I'm his security blanket. Which is weird because on one hand he is a very self confident horse, cocky, I'll take over sort of horse and on the other he is very sensitive and anxious. So it's always balancing a fine line.

Not a horse that can be pressured through, just not an option. He already offers everything he can, he tries to do everything at once. So a lot of riding and developing him is slowing his brain down. Sometimes I ride him and I'm like just one thing Wonder. One aid, one expectation. and keep it really really simple. He's not the same every day. Also rewarding his efforts and enthusiasm but also redirecting him in a passive way. He does not like to be corrected, he can be guided and shown but you have to be tactful and subtle or he takes it personally and over reacts.

Today we did 2 rounds left lead canter and 2 rounds right lead canter with at least 6 halt transitions per round. Wonder thought it was really stupid. He ended with some good transitions but to start he was like are you serious? And I'm like yes Wonder, you've done this before. Didnt do more than that or either he a) takes the bit and charges saying he's had enough, b) he gets nervous, stressed, tense and anxious or c) tries to do everything and gets his feelings hurt. He over thinks a lot, so it is very important not to stress or pressure him. Do an exercise, then move on. Keep everything fun, it's not so serious. Days when he's more anxious, I tend to break things down into one thing. I'm asking for one thing with one aid make it very clear, simple and direct and also show him the objective so he calms down a bit.

Used the wall to keep him straight and guard his hind from falling out through the transitions. With him, because of the scar tissue in the right hind I always need to be very careful and mindful of my position to keep the step fairly even. Also lifting the right seat bone up and keeping my seat deep but light. Can never have a passive or following seat on Wonder, it is more of a holding seat in the core and back but never fixed or constant (on/off). It takes a very strong back and core to ride him because you're always sitting against him and holding him back to your seat, he will always charge past your seat like a bull. That's why riders look like rag dolls on him, it is SO much power and so much movement. So much more than it appears, it really surprises riders when they sit on him. They can tell he's hot and strong but sitting on it really puts things into perspective and they get it.

He rides differently day to day. Some days he is so hot and explosive, it takes everything just to sort of keep him with me and I can barely steer or organize him. Somedays he's still hot but ridable and sensitive. Sometimes he's very nervous and sensitive with a busy brain. Sometimes he's more stiff, so I dont push him too much. More suppling exercises and keep it light, other days he feels very supple and fluid and we can do more. It's normal. The only time I worry is when he is quiet or not very forward because that means he's hurting or not well. Some days he's more stiff so we dont push for much.

Having a good position is having an effective and useful position, it isnt fixing your body or holding it where you think is ideal. A keen eye can tell the difference.

Also did a few collected to extended trot to collected trot transitions really focusing on rhythm and adjustability.

I tend to warm up Wonder through more collected work, moving him forward is a very big mistake if I want him to be supple and warm up slowly, it is better to do through more shortened work. It isn't high collection but more in collection, keeping slow and short, while he warms up. Riding him is a lot of slowing down the trot rate and keeping him slow, which some days isnt very possible. Vets and biomechanic specialist and rehab specialist think this is best and I agree. He is also not a horse you can ever ride pushing forward, much more like a PRE or lusitano where it is organization and allowance. It's in the organization that you set the rhythm, he doesnt have it naturally. Riding Wonder is all about seat control and having an effective strong position. When I use my leg it is not to push him forward, it is part of a half halt to help organize and sit him back. It's a very important half halt, I can immediately see in horses and riders who knows how to do it and who doesnt.

It is a lot of reminding him to stay with the seat, I cant let someone without good seat control on him or he just runs. Lots of leg and seat and organization to keep to the seat. I'm also very mindful when I use my spur vs when I use my leg.

This week probably wont be very exciting with Wonder, I'm keeping it easy with him. If I spend a week on harder things, I take a step back the next week. It helps me to have a horse like Wonder because when I'm with him, I have to be in balanced calm sort of mind. CANNOT get emotional or angry around Wonder EVER. Have to be balanced, patient, understanding and kind.

I think different training systems suit different horses but I also think it is beneficial to know more than one.

Just for fun, some Magnus





ATM extremely paranoid, anxious and spiraling down the spiral of worst case possibilities and how nothing ever works out. I have to be careful with this kind of anxiety because it can shift into something worse. I call this experience, down the rabbit hole. This happens whenever I need to trust and depend on someone, I just can't cope because I have so little faith. I really expect the worst. I've trained myself to not need anyone and to basically be prepared to lose everything. I'm used to people letting me down or hurting me. I've been abused and it's hard to un-train those lessons. My brain isn't wired to accept, it's wired to protect and I'm scared. The fear is pretty persistent. I KNOW they are irrational but they are on a loop in my mind that I cant stop. I can't shut them off. I've tried meditation, distractions, so many things and they just come back stronger.

I talked to a friend about some things as well and she said, "but you're so _insert quality_, you're this blah, blah, blah" and I said, "but what does that mean? it doesn't mean I'm entitled to a good life, it doesnt mean I'm entitled to happiness or for things to work out, it doesnt mean anything." Im used to things blowing up in my face or going from good to spiraling south so hard and fast I barely know how to get back up again. Hoping at all scares me, relying on others terrifies me. I literally can't cope with relying on anyone but myself. And hoping scares me. Hope leads to excitement and excitement leads to disappointment. It isnt a matter of who has it worse, I am aware I am quite lucky and fortunate in many ways. This is not a lack of gratitude or entitlement. This is what mental illness does, it's an irrational pattern coming from the brain. I just want a break from my brain, it's exhausting and it hurts. I was shaking and my heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest.

I think this is why calm and balance is so important for me, I need it to feel safe. I try to help others find this peace and balance but I struggle to do it for myself. I am aware what is going on in the world but I also know I have no real power or influence over that, so I tend to prioritize the things I have.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I'm not doing well. Basically the person who was tutoring me bailed on me last minute. And it took me 6 months to find him, he gave me his word he'd help me and promised to be there to he hasn't answered my texts in 5 days and is basically doing the Danish thing where they wont tell you what is going on, they just leave because they are so afraid of any kind of confrontation. It is so cowardly and disrespectful, I NEVER thought he was a coward. I am so hurt. I'd known him a year and NEVER thought he was that kind of person. We'd had so many amazing conversations and I trusted him, I dont trust anybody but I trusted him. He seemed so genuine, honest, straight forward, direct, kind and thoughtful. But I guess people only show you what they want you to see and I was stupid enough to believe his word meant anything. So now I'm in danger of failing, if I fail - basically I lose everything including my home and Wonder. I can't do it on my own, part of the disability. Finding a tutor for what I need is REALLY hard and Danes dont care about making extra cash, so money doesnt work. Another things that drives me crazy about Danes is they DONT tell you what's on their mind, they're very avoidant and avoid confrontation, so it's pins and needles for me because I'm so confused. I dont get why they cant just say what they mean and mean what they say.

People say where there is a will there is a way, but I think anyone whose lived life knows that's pure BS. I know what I am and what I'm not, I know what I can and cant do. I've reached out to a bunch of different people, no answers yet. I'm terrified and in shock, I never thought he was that kind of person. NEVER. This is why I dont really trust anybody, why I do EVERYTHING I can to avoid needing ANYBODY. Anytime I rely on someone and really NEED them, they let me down. This happens every time. I needed him and he let me down, he made me a promise and he bailed. He lied to me and a big trigger factor in this is I really trusted him and thought the was a good person. I thought he respected me and himself enough that if he couldnt help me anymore, he'd tell me. I was wrong.

The key trigger is that I cant trust my instincts, perceptions or other people. If I cant trust him, how can I trust any of my perceptions? How can I keep getting fooled like this? This is part of why I will never marry or have children, you never really know who someone is and I dont trust my perceptions. I have so little faith in myself and other people. I'm confused, I was in denial for a bit because I couldn't believe he'd do this. That isnt the person I thought I knew. I really hope something is going on and he'll get back to me but I'm doubtful and actively seeking a new tutor.

Basically what is happening in my brain: it is dysregulated, I can't regulate my emotions. C-PTSD and anxiety type stuff ISNT rational or something you cant control. The brain is wired to protect, so it is doing that. For someone who is a trauma survivor with CPTSD when things like this happen, it triggers a flood gate of memories of all the abuse over the years. The emotions link channels to emotional memories long forgotten of every time I've felt something similar. This is called flash memories and they're very intense. The helplessness, the betrayal, the pain. I've thrown up, had constrictions in my chest where I had to stop several time because I could barely breathe, almost throwing up. Feels a bit like a panic attack but it lasts for days. To fits of rage

The pain Im feeling is felt in layers of everything that's been done to us, memories come to the surface of when I felt the same and magnifies the entire thing. It's a lot of layers of pain, betrayal, and fear not just from him but so many people over the past 15 years. I can't trust anybody, I cant trust my own intuitions or perceptions, I can't trust anything.

What CPTSD is and how it differs from PTSD




__





What is C-PTSD? — Beauty After Bruises


What is C-PTSD?




www.beautyafterbruises.org





With ADHD I don't have a gate stop on my emotions, so when my dam overflows it is something outside of my control. It's called emotional dysregulation which occurs in ADHD because we don't have the mechanism in our brain that shuts it off, meaning we feel things VERY VERY intensely. Much more than a neurotypical human being. I feel everything without a cut off, why I work so hard to live a balanced, peaceful life and choose what I value and dont. I need that to keep it together. I forgot how I am when Im unstable. I was so proud, I'd been relatively stable for quite a while.






Autism (the not cute quirks, the scary stuff) has clicked in, had multiple autistic meltdowns. The worst I've had in years. I can describe what one is like but they're REALLY REALLY awful, it comes from sensory overload and a total loss of control. They're horrible and terrifying.






It hurts to breathe, I'll be in a store and my chest constricts and I struggle to catch my breath. I am so tired. I cant talk about the abuse I've experienced here but I'll say it is extensive, I am raw and numb for days when I do talk about it. Some of it is pretty graphic, some I've repressed and it's coming to the surface. So generally what I share with people is very surface level. And some of that stuff, at the time it happens you dont quite register what happened. Trauma is funny, it's later on it fully registers because it is hard to process in the moment. But look back, you see the picture and what happened.

I go from numb and apathetic to so unregulated over reactions of anger and pain, it's a lot of trauma memories I repressed coming to the surface. Years of baggage flooding at once. I'm shaking atm. I'm barely sleeping or eating, I threw up yesterday from all the pain. I've had several autistic meltdowns, which happen when my sensory and emotional threshold exceed my capacity to manage and regulate. I'm waking up in the middle of the night crying and shaking from memories. Periodically it feels like all the blood has drained from my body and Im gasping to breathe, then I throw up.

I am someone who is simultaneously a fortress and a jenga puzzle at once. I'm damaged, I am so damaged. I didnt deserve any of the things that happened to me. I want to throw up, I cant keep food down. My whole body hurts. I go from numb and exhausted to so angry and hurt.

This is why I can't hope, I cant get excited about anything. This is why I dont date, I dont let anybody new into my life.

This is about ACES which I think a lot of this should extend the same to adults with abuse and trauma. I was not abused as a child but I was severely bullied






I think because I have an IQ over 140 and "appear" so high functioning, people don't realize the extent of disability I have or the extent of damage under the surface. I dont even realize it until something happens. I seem like I have it together, my voice is generally very controlled, my energy very balanced. But when I lose it, everything goes. It's a jenga puzzle.

I'm still taking care of Wonder, cleaning his box and such but not riding atm, I don't have the brain or focus. Id get hurt if I rode him like this and my body isnt strong enough. He takes EVERYTHING I have to ride, if I make a mistake because Im not focused I could get really really hurt. And it isnt fair to Wonder because I cant regulate my emotions and he is VERY VERY sensitive to emotion. If Im not in control of myself, I can't work with him. But Wonder sitting for days is dangerous, he's turned out everyday but turnout isnt enough for a horse like Wonder. One of my best friends can ride him but I have to teach because he is so hard to ride. Literally a juggle of 20 different things moment to moment, every moment. He's really hard to ride, it takes a very strong rider who really knows what they're doing and instinctively adaptive. She's a really good rider with great feel and instincts, she can read horses so instinctively. She also has CPTSD and ADHD, so she really gets it and has been a great help to me. And is a great fit with Wonder.

Wonder and I from this summer. He was SO brown and burnt this summer, I have no idea why he turned so red. His mane turned chestnut. Maybe the long daylight hours and harsh sun? I turn 30 in March, I just look really young.


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## gottatrot

Sorry to hear about all you're going through. I think you are wise to not ride Wonder when you are not at your best, but that is a tricky situation.

We recently realized my husband suffers from cptsd. He had multiple traumas when young. I only heard about it from you and @SueC. It is obvious to me what you say is true about emotions. He seems to feel things ten times stronger than I do.

Have you seen the crime series from norway called The Bridge? I watched it recently and wondered if you thought the main character named Saga was very accurate for someone with autism. I thought it was a good show, and also I really like when people with mental or physical health issues are portrayed as multi-dimensional human beings.


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## knightrider

I am so sorry you are going through this stress and crisis. I wish I had some words of encouragement. I just want to say how much I missed you when you were not on Horse Forum, and how glad I was when you came back. I was extremely worried about you, and care very much that you find healing and peace. Hugs, love, and prayers.🙏


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot said:


> Sorry to hear about all you're going through. I think you are wise to not ride Wonder when you are not at your best, but that is a tricky situation.
> 
> We recently realized my husband suffers from cptsd. He had multiple traumas when young. I only heard about it from you and @SueC. It is obvious to me what you say is true about emotions. He seems to feel things ten times stronger than I do.
> 
> Have you seen the crime series from norway called The Bridge? I watched it recently and wondered if you thought the main character named Saga was very accurate for someone with autism. I thought it was a good show, and also I really like when people with mental or physical health issues are portrayed as multi-dimensional human beings.


gottatrot- I really appreciate the support, I'm not a huggy, touchy person but _virtual hugs_

I have a lot of broken parts. I feel like I've been stitched back together so many times. I think another reason why I choose horses like Wonder. It was a factor in not giving up on Wonder. So many people have given up on me or abandoned me in the past because I didn't check the box, I couldn't do that to Wonder. Just because he's a little broken, doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to thrive in life. I think the best people and animals are the one's with many scars.

I'm very sorry to your husband, it is a terrible thing to live with. Most of the time it's fine but when triggered, I can say it is way worse than having bipolar disorder or a panic attack in anxiety. It's really horrible and lasts and unknown amount of time, my compassion extends to him. That isnt fun. Life really isn't fair. I find the absolute best people I know, know the most pain and horrors.

I have not seen The Bridge, I generally dont watch crime shows. I watch some documentaries on serial killers but not really a crime show person. In regard to autism, it is such a wide spectrum I think there are many different takes on what an "accurate" perception can be. I identify a lot with Data from Star Trek but with more emotions and dysfunctions.

knightrider- thank you so much for your support, compassion and kindness _virtual hugs_ I've been praying more but haven't been able to finish my prayers because I don't even know what to say. I'm tired of being strong, I'm mostly just tired, hurt and not really sure what's going on. I'm really confused.
---
I rode Wonder yesterday, I had to. He was breathing fire and passaged into the stable from the field, it isnt fair to let him sit with that much pent up energy. And it is hard because he isnt a horse you can just let sit, that's a part of managing him. He isnt a horse you can just let sit or he loses his peace and is just consumed with this overflowing dam of energy. He was actually quite sweet to me. He was a good boy, I think he knew I wasnt doing well. That is a good thing about Wonder, he is kind and aware. Wonder is Wonder but he has a really big heart when it counts.

I just can't believe he'd do this to me, something must have happened because the man I knew wouldn't do this. He was so kind hearted, gentle, genuine and straight forward. I can't believe he'd do this. I have a plan of everyone I can contact seeking help and I'm reaching out to as many people as I can but I can't believe he'd do this. I just can't. It doesn't make sense. And maybe Im in denial and it's the hopeful optimist screaming it's last breath but based on the man I know, I can't believe he'd do this. This behavior doesnt match his character. I just can't believe it.

At heart I am an optimist and a romantic but a lifetime of trauma and let downs have taught me to grow up. And it actually hurts more being let down over and over and over again. Because the momentum behind that hurt is all the pain that came before. It plunges through like a tidal wave.

There is passion, vibrancy and color throughout my soul, shaded by so many shadows that sometimes it's hard to believe anything was ever bright.

Trauma thoughts: "I don't understand what is happening. I'm confused. How can I trust anyone? How can I trust myself? How could he do this to me? It doesn't make sense.

Songs I feel to my core. It happened to me. I was terrified of him, he took what wasn't his to take. I didnt drink or take anything. That was the first time I truly felt powerless in my life. The pain was horrible. I get angry when people try to make it out like it's a joke or say "just get over it" or "quit being dramatic" or "you're just weak." They are among the most clueless, inept people. People who make such blank, ignorant statement I mock because they're the cowards and weaklings who cant fathom another person's experience, so they marginalize it and are too daft to realize they dont know anything. They're the same types who if they dealt with 10% of what I do couldn't get out of bed, let alone look after themselves. People don't get it until it happens to them and I still wouldn't wish it on anyone. There is certain knowledge that is more damaging than beneficial.






Emotional and Psychological abuse is bad, I don't even know how to talk about that or describe what happened because it's done over such a long period of time and so gradual, by the time it gets bad enough for you to notice you realize you've been conditioned for abuse. It is very systematic, I didn't realize how abusive he was until he laid hands on me. He only did once and I left him because when it got physical, I woke up and I knew he didn't love me. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, I was completely powerless to do anything, I remember he told me after I almost blacked out, he said "you can't tell anybody that I ever hit you." . And I still got dressed up, made myself look nice and made him look like a star at the work party. And I left him. And found out about his other girlfriend, I think they're married now IDK but that's how people are.

I come to life at parties, I work a room well. I was conditioned to do that well. I have a very big personality, people notice me and I really enjoy being around people and making people think and laugh. I'm charming, quirky and stand out. I used to try to hide but no matter what I stand out, so I just stand out and own it instead. It intimidates some people because I have a lot of presence and a very strong personality. And when I'm in public, I just genuinely enjoy other people and conversation and I come to life but afterwards I'm very tired and antisocial for a few days. I miss parties.
















ATM I'm really disoriented, I'm not totally sure what is going on. I just know I'm confused. I haven't really been sleeping much, I'm not keeping food down very well. I'll periodically just freeze and I'm gasping for air, and then I cant keep food down. I'll repeat phrases that atm I can't remember. I dont understand. My friends have been helping me a lot. I'm just, like I periodically just stop and I dont know what's going on. I get stuck. I'm writing this so I remember because when I get better, I wont remember. And I need to remember. I've cried a lot. I'm just in shock and I think I'm in denial that he's as big of a jerk as he is. He was so genuine and thoughtful, I'd known him a year, I just can't believe it, apparently Im stupid. And it really bothers me that being lied to and fooled can reveal to me all these broken parts, I didn't realize were there. I hate that my life is defined by my broken parts and at the drop of a hat, I can be dysfunctional. I resent that. I just want to have control over my life and for my work to be seen in the results. 

I hate being disabled, I hate it so much because I actually need other people to help me. And there are a lot of layers to disability and when it's invisible, it's hard to make people see it. People judge what they don't understand but I dont really value people's opinions. Only the opinions of people whom I value. What I find is low value people tend to very critical and judgmental, their self worth is attached to things and awards. High value people are elevated, carry compassion empathy and understanding of others and are open to nuance and their self worth comes from within and the real skill and accomplishment of growth. They get that what is, is more than what is seen.

Trauma is weird like that, when you're fine you forget about it and then triggers and then all those memories flood to total breakdown. It's funny how defective the human brain really is. I'm just a big glitch of a human being. Incredible abilities in some ways and totally dysfunctional in others. And I just need to figure out if I can find someone new to help me fast enough, so I can pass my last exam. I have 2 weeks. Took me 6 months to find him and he bails last minute. Reached out to several people, no responses so far.


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## knightrider

I love your honesty and continue caring and praying for you.


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## JoBlueQuarter

Hey. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now. There's a lot you're saying that I really feel. I've gotta tell you though; you're an amazingly strong person. I really hope you find a new tutor in time, and do well on your exam! Good on you for still riding Wonder too; that must have been really hard but important.
I agree with knightrider - I love reading your posts. You write so honestly and thought-provokingly. Hugs!


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- thank you, it means more to me than you know 💖 my honesty is because this is what people need to understand, if they want to. It is real, it is raw and it is true. Lying and pretending it doesn't happen is what creates stigma and misinformation. I dont think there is any shame in vulnerability, I think there is honor and strength in being genuine and real. To me honesty is maturity. My heart is true, even if my brain is broken.

JoBlueQuarter- thank you, I am very strong but I'm tired and not well adjusted. _virtual hugs_ thank you so much, the kind words mean more than you know. Im tired of being so strong, I'm tired of things blowing up in my face and not feeling like I have control over my life. It's really not a happy life but there are moments of joy like when I'm with Wonder or dancing or friends are kind to me and engaged in conversation.

I'm a bunch of broken parts that will never really heal. I'm a summation of broken pieces.
----
I've never seen a normal human being be that level of sincere, genuine and yet not be. To be this cold, we had a plan, he swore to me he'd be here after the 11th and he lied to my face. The only times I've had things like this happen and been this fooled and shocked by it have been from sociopaths. A friend sent me a quote that I think is true, "we can only live life moving forward and understand things looking backwards." I don't understand why he bailed on me and I'll probably never understand because it isn't something I could do. I just didn't expect it from him. I felt safe with him, he seemed like such a genuine, kind hearted person. And I dont feel safe or secure around anyone, that really hits me in the heart. I'm deeply hurt and betrayed. I am so hurt. I don't know how someone can say they're going to do all these things form a plan, have all the material and then bail. I will never understand that.

What I think happened is he just decided he didnt want to help me anymore and bailed, he didnt want the inconvenience or responsibility anymore. And that is fine but he should have had the nerve to tell me. Helping me is an inconvenience, so he took the easy route. He didn't want to deal with upsetting and hurting me and figured ignoring me was easier. He chose his convenience over honor, common decency and respect. Well he can live with that on his conscious. At least I'm not a liar or a coward. It will bite him in the butt one day, I guarantee it. That stuff always catches up with people.

I wish I had an explanation or some closure but I'll never get it because he is a coward and a weak man. He didn't want to deal with disappointing and hurting me, so he ran without explanation. More convenient for him that way. At least I see his true colors and don't have to waste anymore energy on someone of such low value. His actions speak to his character and integrity and I'll just say this study is a small community and I'm known for being bold and outspoken. I just didn't think he was that spineless or weak. No honor or decency. Such a shame, why I tend to be misanthropic. Im so ****ing hurt. I think about it and just cry because I can't believe it. I look back at the memories and can't believe it. I'm in shock. He seemed so genuine, so sincere, so honest and invested. I just dont know what happened between then and now, what changed?

He was one of my favorite people to talk to, I was so excited to see him again and talk again. We had so much fun.

His actions were selfish, thoughtless and cowardly. It bothers me that he gets to run off with no effect and I'm the one left to do damage control because of his selfishness. Why I hate relying on people. I hate that I pay the price for other people's problems, other people's lack of character and become the victim. I hate that. I didn't do anything wrong and I PAY THE PRICE. I'm so tired of it, it isnt my lack of character and I'm the one suffering.

I know the problem isnt me, it's him and his choices but it still hurts a deep kind of seering wound. Like a scar was ripped open and someone dripped acid on it. He KNOWS what people have done to me, we've had real and deep conversations. He knows how traumatized and damaged I am and told me he couldn't believe anyone could do something like that. I trusted him, my mistake. He was so tender and caring, compassionate. I guess I'm naive.

My last message, I sent last night and I'm done


> "If you have the decency to respect me, can you respond with if you’re going to help me further or not? I want to be successful. And I’m willing to do it with or without you at this point. I need to know if I need to seek other avenues of support or not but I would like to continue working with you."


Not read, no response. Lesson learned. I should have known better.

I just thought he was a decent enough person that if he could no longer help, he'd tell me and he didn't even have the courage or enough respect for me to do that. Noted, true colors are seen. I love it when people lie to me and let me down.

I'm reached out to so many people today, some responses but no one interested. We'll see what can be done. I'm not giving up. I'm not letting him decide my future. I have to find someone, I've reached to the university as well.

I already have terrible trust and abandonment issues, why I don't date. It triggers my C-PTSD and I think a man is good and he's a total spineless, weak jerk. I will never have a happily ever after. Relationships will never work for me because I am drawn to broken people, sociopaths, and people who hurt me. It's a pattern. I like highly intelligent, geeky, charismatic men who are ambitious and confident. And they always seem so good and strong minded, until they're not. And I am very rarely attracted or into anyone. I'm almost asexual, except when I really like someone. You also never really know someone, I think we like to delude ourselves for own comfort that we know people but we really dont. We see them through the gaze of our perception and we can often be wrong. And that scares me, why I have no interest in marriage or children. I would never feel safe or secure enough. I think I'd have CPTSD episodes non stop. I just cant do it, I'm too broken, too damaged.

I am so disoriented. Definitely didn't ride Wonder. I don't know if I could stay on. I've emailed and reached out to a bunch of people. I'm doing serious damage control right now.

Here is the thing whenever you rely on someone and they bail, they pay nothing for it and you are the one who pays for trusting someone. Jokes on me, it's me I get screwed over and over and over because I trust and rely on the wrong people who at the time, I am so convinced are good people and Im wrong. And yet I have an amazing friend group, super supportive, amazing good people in my life. We'll see if anything comes.

I've also decided it's time to get another tattoo, the one I've wanted for years. I just need to do it, even though it is expensive. It will be my 30th birthday present to myself. I need this for me as a symbol. Bad part is it's CRAZY expensive, so I don't know if I can.

Sometimes I still blame myself for wanting to see the best in people, for giving the benefit of the doubt and hoping. I look back over the years at the accumulated memories and Im angry because no matter how far I come or how hard I work, the repressed memories come flooding back. The damage is still there and Im tired of being strong and constantly sewing back together broken pieces. I could never do someone dirty, the way people have done to me. Im broken but maybe that is my most important part.

I have heart, character, courage, compassion, honor and incredible resilience. And part of the problem is, I keep expecting other people to have half of what I do and they don't. Humans are weak, they do what is convenient and not what is right.

It is always the people with the biggest hearts that know the most pain. I just wonder why I know so much of it. It feels like an unfair burden. Same as with the strength, I just dont understand how strong I need to be. Every cut hurts, you just get more used to the pain.

This song I feel deeply


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## DanteDressageNerd

Been super busy last few days, havent been on or read anything. Will try to catch up later. I got around to a lot of things I've been meaning to do, that haven't been priority and then things that are priority. Been more proactive.

Actually been a very rough few days, lots of chaos and various bs happening. When something bad happens, it all happens at once to myself and close friends. Might have found a new tutor, I meet with him Monday. I have friends in class who are helping me. So I'm trying to focus on the portfolios and I might be able to get an extension. Given what has happened and because I am clinically diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. I also got wacked in the head super hard today and I'm still a little disoriented. I was like well there we go, that's my life.

I've had people say labels are excuses and I roll my eyes so hard, I am in shock of how ignorant, uneducated and unempathetic people can be. I don't have the energy to argue, people can be educated or not. Not my problem, I don't have the energy to inform most of the time. I just dont, people believe what they want regardless of the reality and it's pointless to argue. But I'll say this a diagnosis is to understand what is going on and how to address the problems in a proactive and effective way. It's understanding and a tool, as well as to understanding other people's mind and their behavior and ways of thinking. I keep forgetting people don't think on a spectrum or variation like I do, people tend to think in fixed points and blocks. I do not think a person should limit themselves to the confines of a diagnosis but use that diagnosis as a tool to understand themselves and how to be more effective, functional and overall better.

I'm still mad at L (tutor). I've told some people and they were in shock, they couldn't believe he did that. I still can't believe he did that, it's really bad behavior. It's really not okay. It would have been fine had he just said, I can't anymore or I changed my mind but bailing without a word when he knew I was depending on him is so cowardly. He burnt a bridge that didn't have to be burnt. It's a shame, he was someone I really enjoyed talking to and really liked as a person. He was brilliant, insightful, and I liked hearing his thoughts and challenges to me. It really hurts, I didnt expect that from him. And I remember very clearly asking if he was going to be there because I have trust issues and if I depend on him, will he have my back? And he said, yes I will be there. I'm done with exams the 11th and I'm off until March, I'll have more time and we'll work it out. I believed him and I'm paying the price. He lied to my face and the choice not to tell me, that's just poor character and weakness. That makes me so sad, I didnt deserve to be treated so poorly. What I've learned is how wrong our perceptions can be, how much we can project our own character into others and that we should always challenge our perceptions. 

Rode 3 horses yesterday, have a sort of project for a few days...yes I'm still that rider because _shrugs_

The mare is a high quality mare who is very angry and has muscle issues. She is extremely sensitive but people have basically put on bigger weapons and gotten rougher and rougher with her, so she has trust issues, is defensive and has hurt feelings. Her confidence is shaken and she is confused by the aids and is very angry. She's been scoped for ulcers, full medical work up, x rays, the works.

What I'm doing is basically re-teaching her the aids and making them very clear and consistent, rewarding her every effort and building her confidence. I'm also massaging her every day, I can't fix this stuff in a few days but it has improved a TON. I think I could fix her in a few weeks but she is a horse that needs a very sensitive, empathetic and capable rider with good feel and who will hold her hand and give her reassurance. She will go above and beyond for me atm, I think she is one who just really needs to feel heard and appreciated because she really wants to do the right thing and be praised. She's a really good horse, just misunderstood.

She is a VERY VERY sensitive mare, I mean literally if I drop my seat a touch she drops out from under me. She likes my sitting trot, that helps her become more buoyant and confident to move forward. She is very sensitive and because she reacts as to stop and hump her back, kick out, stand people think to be stronger and more forceful addressing the symptom. But the problem is she is angry at the over use of aids, she is confused and frustrated. She is starting to trust me and knows now that I'm listening, so she turns to me when she is scared, unsure or needs encouragement, so that's a big step. She's one of those that doesn't over react to the aids in an obvious way, she does in a subtle way but she needs to be ridden in a super sensitive way. She needs to be given a voice and heard when she whispers. It's a process but step by step she comes.

What I'm very good at as a rider is motivating a horse to work with me. I encourage them to offer and make work more of a game. I make the expectation very clear and the system of aids consistent and easy to follow. I break everything into smaller pieces to explain it. I don't expect everything to happen at once and I don't take it personally if a horse doesn't understand. I let them communicate with me what they don't understand and try to explain it better and walk them through what an individual aid means, my expected response and reward the effort. If they don't understand an aiding system, I go back to an individual aid and address the understanding and response there. Then I build up at the horse's pace.

I think she will be straight forward and overall just a good horse but she will take time.

Wonder is taking it easy atm, not too much pressure. Did some canter half pass change zig zags and then mostly kept it light. His right tendon doesn't feel as elastic atm, so I don't want to stress that. And what I mean by that is the feel is different in the leg when it hits and comes off the ground. I know him really well, I know when something is a little tight but because it's scar tissue it is VERY important he is kept in motion. The vet and biomechanics expert both said, I'm the reason Wonder is sound. I've worked rehab and with horses with a lot of different issues, worked along side vets. So that teaches you some interesting tricks and riding techniques to help.

He cracked me up today, he stole my hat and gave me a back massage with his lips. I was like what are you doing? And he moved me around so I would kiss his nose and play with his lips. Then he was digging through my pockets, opening and closing the zippers of my jacket. Laid his head in my arms for me to hold and we just cuddled for a while. He is such a sweet horse, he makes me smile and I'm so happy to have him. I think when everything is kinda going up in flames and you're surrounded by so much chaos. You just need a moment of tranquility and peace.

Rockie is still a spit fire, she is a woman on a mission with plenty of opinions and sass. I love her. 25 and ready to go. She is so explosive, I just smile and giggle the whole time I'm riding her. Literally breathe wrong and boom goes Rockie. She's the best!

Also talked with a trainer whose known Wonder and I for a while. She has won national championships at PSG and I1, shown to I2 or GP. Produced various horses, been riding dressage under her father since she was a girl. We talked for a while about various things. People we've worked for, horses we've ridden, how crazy and superficial the horse world is. How crazy it is that I rode a horse in the US that she produced.

Then we talked about how bad the training can be in the US (not all programs). We were both talking about how many trainers just focus on the head and neck or riders posing into a position and don't focus on the body or effective use of aids or a training program that actually builds the horses up the levels. And about how people think sitting heavy, dropping into the horse's spine with the hocks out behind but the poll up is good riding. She was like I dont get it, they just sit and pose in many training programs and the horse's hocks are out, back dropped and they sit heavy into the back and go it's good because the head and neck are in the right spot and you just go yeah but what about the back and hind leg? Rather than inviting the back up into the pelvis. They dont understand contact or aids or how to use position, weight or body or leg to move a horse. She was like leg to hand is foreign to many and I was like yeah because a lot of them don't really ride real collection from behind. They think it's in the head and neck, rather than the leg and hind. So they focus on head set, rather than learning to ride. Posing, rather than being effective. They figure most can't tell the difference and she was like yeah but someone competent knows the difference and I said yeah, but how many are truly competent? And she like fair point.

Also talked about how avoiding contact is not contact and that horse's need to learn how to push into contact before they can be moved up. And I said yeah but people want to skip that step because they dont get the difference between avoiding the contact and self carriage. They dont actually know what self carriage is and they dont know that they dont know what self carriage is. She was like yeah, that makes sense.

Then we discussed nerdy dressage stuff of system of aids and weird things we've seen. We were talking about horses we've seen show PSG or above and without true collection. I said yeah, crazy right? And scoring, she was like I saw riders get 70s for a test that would be in the 50s in Denmark. Also about how in certain places how many people can ride a GP test, get their medals and can't ride for much. Just sit and pose. I said yeah, in US they generally think tracking up and poll high is good. They can't see the back or hip or activity.

It was also nice because she was really impressed with how Wonder is going. I generally dont expect compliments on Wonder. Wonder is Wonder, he's a little special but I love him. Said she didn't know anyone who could have done what I have with him, he's really turned into a very nice horse. And then she was asking me about why I always have problem horses and why I enjoy troubled horses. She said, I just dont see the point. There are so many good horses, why ride the broken ones? And I think it's that I have a lot of problems and pain and I see that they do too. People have let me down and given up on me so much in life that I don't think it's right to do with a horse. Horses need to be given a chance to thrive, just because they're damaged doesn't mean they're broken or bad. And if I can fix them, I feel like I did something right by that horse. And maybe they can live a good life, instead of being put down or abused.

Another reason is because you learn so many subtle aids and understanding that you just can't learn in a lesson or on a conventional horse. I'm not a posing rider, I'm not a pretty rider, I'm an effective rider who learned to ride riding broken horses under national and international quality trainers. I used to ride I think 6-7 horses a day, broke and produced quite a few, rode whatever I could. You have to adjust yourself a lot horse to horse, change your system of aids to fit the horse you're riding and figure out what benefits that individual horse the most. 

Something I really value and prioritize is really building and developing real capability and skills that speak for themselves. I dont really care about praise or awards or any of that. I dont care. And that's one of those things some people dont get. I just don't care about things that other people seem to, it's not real what does it really mean? Why does it matter? I value real things, real skills, real ability, real development. Superficial ticks in the box, I just dont really care about.

Another thing I really don't care what most people think of me, I dont strive forward for external validation. It's nice but it isnt what motivates me. I dont care what other people are doing or not doing. My thoughts are mostly on how to improve and be better, how to help people. I focus on my lane and keep driving.


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## gottatrot

So good to hear you may have found a tutor.

Really good stuff. It's interesting to hear why you work with troubled horses. It makes so much sense to me. I believe I have some of the same reasons, but I feel a sense of duty to the horses with a perspective of feeling that I am a stable person, who has been given so much in life. It only seems fair that I share if I can. I also have this feeling that there is a shortage of those who can and are willing to try to help these horses. It makes me happy to know you are helping the ones you can.

I agree very much about posing on horses. Something I can hardly understand is meeting people who jump but they really don't use their core and can't sit on a horse if something unusual happens. And even though I have done very little dressage, I have ridden horses that can do fairly advanced stuff but they don't use their hind and. The shoulders end up big and the hind end small because the horse doesn't use his body well.

Great post!


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- thank you. I'm glad you work with unconventional horses too, there are not enough people willing to do it. I understand why, it takes a certain skill and willingness to deviate from tradition and convention. Most people seem to like their box. I like working outside of that box and really figuring things out in a real way, glad you do too 

I see that a lot, it's because they're not really correct. They think they are because the horse tracks up and is poll high but the back is hollow and the horse isn't actually pushing from behind, over the back and into the bridle. They need to push into the pressure from behind before one can lift and lighten. They have to push into the contact first, then as collection is introduces lighten and take more from behind. People have it backwards and skip that step to fit a picture. Posing drives me crazy. The posing type riders are the type who think they have the solution to every problem, always think the solution is simple and think they know more than they do without a clue what they're actually talking about. They look down their nose at others and it's like come on you can barely ride out of a barrel. Get over yourself. People like that in the horse world are a dime a dozen. Met so many of those. I'm over it. I'd love to see them get on an actually challenging and difficult horse, I think they'd have a paradigm shift lol.

It's just funny to me because they'll be so judgmental and critical of others without any experience with a diverse range of horses or experiences. I don't get why people who know the least have the most to say about other people's business and situations they know nothing about.
----

I hopefully have one tutor, possibly two. We will see, I have very little hope. One is excited to start working with me. The other I'm waiting to hear back from. I'm so stressed, I really havent slept right in almost two weeks. I'm so worried and stressed, I need so much help and I'm prepared for everyone to disappear. I'm so stressed atm.

I feel like everything I do socially is wrong, I'm always second guessing myself and get very confused. I don't understand certain social behaviors, miss cues and such. I'm a very genuine, well meaning person but I can come across as too intense and in general too much. That's what I don't like about being autistic, my operating system and thinking is so different from everyone else. It makes it really hard to relate, connect and identify with people. I also seek real connections. My autism and ADHD make me very passionate but also make me a bit naive and innocent in ways that are actually dangerous to be. I tend to believe the best in people, until the behaviors doesnt match the words then I accept people as they are. Just makes me naive.

Here is a bit of the mare, just keep in mind this is early in the process and a few days ago would rear, bronc and leap if I put my leg on and wouldn't steer. Would twist her body everywhere but under my body, would push her haunches out and away from a touch of pressure. So I've been working on getting her to go directly under my body, leg to hand and to push into the hand and come over her back. She still has body and muscle issues I am working on, however I do not know if I will continue working with her or not _shrugs_ depends on what the owners wants.

She's a nice mare, would never be an upper level dressage horse but she's a solid mare. I think she'd do well mid level (3rd-4th) someday but she's not really built for collection and that's ok. She's a jumper, she did 4'6-4'9. She is sensitive but so behind the leg, why people went to stronger aids. I think she wont be in time but atm it's a lot to keep her going. However she is extremely sensitive to seat pressure and thigh pressure in terms of her balance and direction of body.






Rode Wonder lightly, he was very playful today. I went into his box and we cuddled and played for a bit. He is a total Mama's boy, he can tell I'm upset and stressed so he tries to make me smile. My friend also broke her hand, he was super gentle with her because he knew she was hurt. That's something I really appreciate about Wonder, he is aware of those things and is very kind. He can be a bit of a jerk but he has a good heart and a lot of kindness to him.

I did some socializing yesterday with a classmate and had a really good discussion about narcissists because she has a lot of experience too. Discussed a lot of cognitive science type stuff, mental health, psychiatry, culture, etc. It was hilarious, I drove all the way home without my purse and had to turn around and go get it _face palm_ I am so scatter brained, I forgot my purse and didn't realize it until I got home _face palm_ Yeah I am that scatter brained and ADHD, should have seen me today doing 20 different things and forgetting about a bunch of things I said I'd do. I can't juggle too many moving parts, I get side tracked by something and get onto something else and totally forget the thing I was supposed to do _face palm_ I can't help it but it is really frustrating. Why I have lists of things I need to do because otherwise I totally forget.

I have real deficits with my working memory, it becomes very apparent if around me. I'll be talking to someone and totally forget what was going on or where I am for a moment. I also have no real sense of time and often forget what time or day it is because I can't process it. My parents often go, oh Cassie and it isn't something I can really help. I can develop coping mechanisms like timers and clocks but I really dont know how to plan or manage time. I'm just a bit special and barely functional.

We talked a lot about how much people perceive others through projection and don't realize you just dont know another person's motivations or thoughts. You can speculate and make logical deductions but you really don't know.

Narcs are obsessed with projection, they think people are as jealous and insecure as they are. They need external validation because they lack a true sense of self or accomplishment within themselves. They perceive other's behavior as a way to protect their ego. They're often feeding their delusions, again to bolster their ego. Narcs are always starving for validation, they need it and can't stand to see anyone else get it. They're the ones who always need awards, to look down on others, gossip, and compare excessively. Get obsessed with people they're jealous or threatened by. Just keep distance and wean slowly back. A lot of narcs are not grandiose in the external way but in a subtle way. Covert narcs can be among the most toxic. I didn't know about them, I've dated one.









Covert narcissist: Traits, causes, and how to respond


"Covert narcissist" is the term used to describe someone with a subtle form of narcissistic personality disorder. Learn the signs, causes, and how to respond.




www.medicalnewstoday.com





Meme I just find funny and suits my attitude, Im pretty sassy and sarcastic lol. If someone doesnt like me, then dont like me. Just realize that hate is one sided because I don't care. No matter who you are, someone won't like you. Just how it is, so I just move on. Some pics of makeup, it's not the best I've done but I like makeup. As a woman, it's nice to clean up and feel pretty sometimes. It's the only artistic thing I do.


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## whisperbaby22

I can relate to what you say, as far as personalities, I was in my 40's before I found out about my prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces and was told all my life that I was a rude person. 

I, too have always dealt with unwanted horses. Given up on because of physical or mental problems. I've had horses given to me, and bought at low end auctions.


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## whisperbaby22

I can relate to what you say, as far as personalities, I was in my 40's before I found out about my prosopagnosia, the inability to recognize faces and was told all my life that I was a rude person. 

I, too have always dealt with unwanted horses. Given up on because of physical or mental problems. I've had horses given to me, and bought at low end auctions.


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## gottatrot

Your makeup is very nicely done. It looks artistic and not too much. I used to ride with this girl who put on so much eyeliner it made her eyes look like black pits. I thought she'd look so much prettier with less eyeliner on, but did not say anything, LOL. 

Looks like you are making great progress with the mare in the video. When you talk about the horse moving into pressure, I think some people think _pressure _as in hard and unforgiving bit contact. But what I see is more connection than pressure, and to me it looks correct. I don't think when we ask horses to accept bit contact we are asking them to accept hard pressure and pain, but rather a connection with the rider.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I'm taking a short break because I am overwhelmed and stressed and need to take a breath _head desk_ trying to figure it all out. I'm actually drinking wine, pinot noir I've had since I was in France in 2019 lol. Does that say how often I drink? It makes my brain a little less like a hamster on a spinning wheel and helps with focus but worried about putting on weight - why I don't drink.

whisperbaby- I think that is a common complain for people with prosopagnosia, especially for women. Societal expectations of women's social skills are much higher than in men and there is a great deal of pressure to be "practically perfect." I also find people are generally intolerant of difference and judge harshly and critically about things they do not understand.

Most people are small and that has been something quite difficult for me to accept. My expectations of others is too high. Perhaps it is the same for you, seeing someone different doesn't make people curious. It tends to make them afraid, so instead of allowing themselves to be inclusive and understanding. They push back with judgment and negative assumptions because they lack the ability to empathize or imagine a situation outside of themselves and their experiences. They're protecting their biases at your expense.
-----
gottatrot- Thank you, I try to be decent at it. I think makeup done right can be very nice and done wrong can look like a disaster lol. I'm not a fan of heavy eyeliner or heavy dark colors, it makes me look terrible. So I try to do fun and colorful but also tasteful. I think what looks nice varies person to person, I know heavy eye makeup looks terrible on me. Doing makeup well is really hard, I really admire makeup artists and people who can totally change their face with makeup, I can enhance but I can't change my face.

Thank you, that is true same words can have very different meanings to different people. Depending on context. I think contact is the right word but I think the understanding of contact is different. To me the contact should never be holding, you're never holding back against the horse but asking the horse to push forward to meet it. However if you rode something like Wonder, he doesnt really push forward into the contact. He is built for collection, so it's more riding his shoulders and keeping him from running and helping him to the contact, then once you still have to actively ride. He doesnt meet it on his own. The more he can slow down, the more he swings over his back. He can't be pushed forward to the contact. He had to be managed and ridden to it.

I think "contact" changes from low level to mid levels to upper levels. The system of aids change as the horse progresses and the understanding evolves. Developing a horse correctly up the levels takes time and comes with many phases. I see a lot of people rush through with movements and produce a horse that can do the movements but none of the substance. I think that comes from ignorance, rather than laziness. You can lift a horses head and neck to the right spot but it doesnt mean they're working in collection because it depends on the rest of the horse's body. Particularly the sit coming from behind, low levels focuses on reach of the hind leg and upper levels the activity of it the engagement and cadence. You can make a horse execute movements but it doesn't mean they're engaging their body to become more through and true if that makes sense?

Leg to hand, you start by having them push forward into the connection or base contact (neutral and elastic, like holding hands) a half halt would be closing the fingers or holding pressure on the rein. The system of aids evolves as the horse gains strength and advances. Where Pinkie is, it's that she learns how to move from behind and push into the bridle, as she strengthens and progresses it becomes more of a way to sit her back and up and becomes an established half halt in the collection.

If you sat on Wonder he is very light in the bridle but correct light, not false light where they hind behind the contact. Rather than actually being in the bridle, if that makes sense?

------
Geek stuff you can ignore

ATM this is one example, I have 6 of these types of problems to do. Another is heart beats and frequency, another is autism data and progression in education, etc. What I am doing is designing a program to evaluate schizophrenia data and the possibility of creating a model that interprets diagnosis based on pitch and frequency. So I have to justify and argue my choice in methods, offer evidence or proofs for validity using cross validation and demonstrating against fallacies. For example because less than 1% of the population has schizophrenia, a model could show itself to be 99% accurate but predict 0 schizophrenia patients accurately. Separating false positives and false negatives. It's a lot of decisions and deciding what factors are relevant and worth analyzing, which are not. It's very open ended and that is what make it so hard. How do you justify choice and where do you even begin? So it's a scientific portfolio with findings, data, etc typed as if to submit for publishing basically.

And then editing the code, so that is actually runs lol. It is freaking hard. Thankfully atm I have two tutors who know each other and are helping me understand and work through it. It's a lot but I have some hope _fingers crossed_ it amazes me how connections and people caring a little bit can be so helpful.

At this point of my life, I am accepting my disability. I did a great deal of harm to myself trying to push through it, will power and fight eventually burns out. I have to really understand things backwards and forwards, I cannot bs because I can't even begin to organize the process or explain, until I really understand the material. I don't think in verbal language, I think in a combination of pictures and patterns, so how things in the environment work together.

Once that base is built, I can take in information and develop very quickly and intuitively but getting there is hard and takes being shown how to systematically approach it. I can't just take superficial details and sound like I know it, I have to actually know it from the inside out and truly be competent. There are a lot of positives long term to it but it is not a positive as a student because the superficial is what is tested. Deep knowledge is good long run, not so rewarding short run. 

Problem with my ASD and ADHD is the overthinking and extreme attention to detail. I get choked up on the details and it prevent me from understanding how to plan and execute the expectation.
---
Horse stuff is limited atm due to time restraints, portfolios are the priority

Rode Wonder in the double yesterday for the 1st time since the 6th and we did some harder, more advanced work. We were both sweaty and tired. Then today he had off and I dont know if I'll have time to ride Wednesday or Thursday, so he's having a lot of time off which hopefully he wont be too distressed about. He tends to get a bit stressed and anxious with more than 2 days off, even with all day turnout. He needs the mental and physical stimulation or he gets a bit stressed. Work was a lot on building better cadence and getting him to keep reach but slow and slower. Then half passes trot and canter, some pirouette stuff, passage stuff, half steps, shoulder in, haunches in, etc. The movements are tools to improve the base. It isn't doing movement to put a check in the box but develop a better horse with more refined communication. Maybe next ride I'll try to video, I don't know. I havent really felt like it. Dont really have time to watch them and cant afford the distraction (yet I'm on here) lol.

One thing I'll say about the double that I think is misunderstood, it does not give more "power" against the horse, it is not harsh. A double bridle is a refining tool and can be very helpful. They are not a great tool for something that hides or avoids contact, the horse has to already know how to actively seek out to the contact and not hide away from it. A horse that hides away from it is falsely light and when there isn't a real connection but a disjointed set head and disconnected body. 

I think Wonder is softer and more relaxed in the double vs the single. It varies horse to horse and what the horse prefers. I vary, I use both.

A contact is not "holding" it isn't pressure holding against a horse, it is the base for which the horse pushes to meet the hand starting from the hind end. I hold my base contact between my thumb and index finger, if I close my other fingers then I am applying a half halt or pressure with an expected response. After I use that pressure, then I go back to my base contact. I see a lot of people in dressage skip the step of teaching the horse how to move into the contact and have a horse that is poll high and tracks up but has a hollow back because they set the head and neck and don't prioritize the back or body. Very easy to set a head and neck but what truly matters in dressage is a horse truly coming through the back and becoming more supple, elastic, in balance, etc.

Training is a progression of stages, you can't just look at someone showing PSG and think oh well I just have to set the head and do the movements. If someone thinks what makes a horse or rider "upper level" is a double bridle, head set and doing some movements that is someone who doesn't know a thing. There is so so much more that goes into the training of a dressage horse and at each level that goes much deeper than the movements. How you ride and what you are asking a horse to do at each phase changes, if you skip all the steps you might get up the levels but you wont have a horse that is truly there. There is a difference between posing and being.

There is the baseline or neutral connection, which is like holding hands or an elastic connection to the horse's mouth. A half halt is sort of a moment of compression.

Wont geek out too much. In general, not just applying to horses I dont understand how people without any real practical working experience tend to be the most judgmental and condescending towards others. I dont see real experts being overly critical or condescending of others. They tend to take context into account and say things like, well I'd have to try it or huh could be a, b, c, d or other. I do not get why people with so little knowledge think they know so much, they think things are all a straight shoot of a-b and dont see the process or any of the details. It boggles my mind because I'm always focused on how much I dont know and trying to improve what I do know.

EDIT ADDITION

I was just thinking the baseline of comparison and understanding of terms is different based on experience and environment. The more experience you have, the greater or more vast your perspective is so context is different. Example what is a hot horse? It means very different things based on a person's experience, how many horses they've ridden, how many different types of horses they've ridden, how physically powerful and athletic the horse's have been, etc. How many odd ball types have they worked with? It makes a big difference in knowledge and ability. Or what makes a horse difficult? A lot of horses that are difficult to most are not difficult to me because of what I have to compare them to. I get rides on horses because they're excessively difficult and tricky or put someone in the hospital. And for perspective, the riders I'm around are in the world rankings or have won national championships or are on the national team or that end of riders. There are normal riders too but it changes your perspective and the kinds of horses you see day to day.

At that level of riders, the international ones. Wonder is still considered extreme but they are people used to riding hot, sensitive, quirky horses that would be too much for most. Sport horses are often not happy hackers or something you could make "chill" they are bred for sport and horses that thrive in sport are often a much higher degree of intensity and athleticism than a happy hacker. It's a totally different brain
----
Random

Apparently I'm also the friend people go to when people are trying to understand behavior of another person and what that means. Could write a book on that. I will generally give my perspective but I dont really tell people what to do, unless asked what I think. Then I dont really care if they take it or not, their life, their choice and what is best for them but I'll offer perspective and thoughts.

Spoke with 1 tutor on our "meet day" for 5 and a half hours. It was crazy, we just started talking and could talk about anything and everything. It was freaking awesome, he's starting his PHD and is interested in so many different things like I am. We're both a weird balance between loving the humanities, art, music, dance, etc and science and philosophy and psychology, history, all kinds of things. So that was an intense awesome conversation, it was so insightful and just really advanced my perspective and I think it did for him too. Learned a lot I didnt know before. It was awesome, we could have talked forever lol. Thankfully I have problems with insomnia, so midnight is still early for me and I wake up 2 or 3 times a night and wake up tired. I think it's been over 2wks since I slept properly. We didnt have a plan to work but just to meet, understand each other and see where he could help and form a plan. So tomorrow we'll do work, other tutor is a classmate of mine and he's really nice. Very thoughtful and really understands how the code works and how to think about it. So we balanced theory and code on Monday. I see him again on Thursday and submit my assignment to him and we'll work together to work out the bugs and details and fill in the gaps.

Pics aren't too exciting, the makeup one is one I did with purple and pink in the crease and a combinations of greens on the lid. A little blue in the outer corner and a touch of a neutral-yellow in the inner corner. I have a thing of really enjoying colors, so for me artistic expression makes me feel human. My notes are all in rainbow colors to separate the ideas. If it's all the same color, my brain can't process. It all becomes one chunk of text and doesnt separate the key information. I just really like bright colors, it might be childish but for some reason it brings me some small joy. Little things that make you smile.

I also have a white board full of ideas and exploratory information that might be interesting to investigate down the road. I have tons of notebooks of notes too about a variety of things. Read so many studies, read many books, I'm hungry for knowledge and to understand things because the more I understand, the more I can understand myself, those around me and the world at large.

One is something I've tried to explain for tutor how I think and learn information
Magnus and I before we napped together today
Wonder with a hat
Wonder stretch from I dont know when, putting hands forward to encourage stretch


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## whisperbaby22

My travels through life are so different from yours, and so the same in some respects. My issue with the recognition thing is just one element. As I have said before, it really makes movies hard for me to watch, a tv series does better because the more I look at a face the easier it is to figure out who the heck that is. 

Keep writing. You have a gift, you have a way of writing that makes sense. Something I don't have! But we all have our gifts.


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- thank you, I try to articulate difference. I think it's because I have to understand in order to process what is happening, else I am very confused and I don't like being confused. I can't simply accept things as they are, I need to understand them. But I agree. We all have our gifts!!

I never thought about that before but that makes a lot of sense, I couldn't imagine viewing a TV show or movie without recognizing the faces. I can definitely see how that can create frustrations.

I think people who are different tend to recognize, appreciate and respect the differences in one another. Even though our challenges our different, we still face similar prejudices, adversity and stigmas.

---

Worked about 5hrs today with the tutor, we're a really good fit. I like working with him a lot and enjoy his company and insights. I really like how his mind thinks, just a really good individual. I have hope. We made a ton of progress and I'm getting it more and more. One good thing about my kind of brain is I am a bit like a sponge. I can learn a lot of information fast, if it is delivered in the medium I understand. Downside, I have to be shown and walked through. I can't do it myself. The networks are starting to form together!

Some Wonder from today, I didnt intend to video or actually even ride very much today but it was not a day I could do a light ride. Got ran off with quite a lot, running through half halts and mostly explosive to ride. So he and I were sweating a lot by the time we were done. He's very powerful, it was like trying to organize a Ferrari with a revved engine. Even in the end he just had his racing wheels on and I was like well, that's how it goes some days. He was quite difficult to ride and organize. We just did walk-trot today, no canter. He was too explosive and difficult to manage today.

If he looks like an out of control steam train, that is because he is. Some days it is what it is, organizing the steam train trot is very difficult. If it looks like I'm being ran off with, it is because I am. We had some good extended trot work, then he'd run through all my half halts and aids and I was just like Wonder, you cannot just take the bit and go. Wonder yeah...I'm going...Me exhausted here we go again. The extended trot fires him up, he'll maintain it nicely for a long side or across the diagnol then he pushes past my aids and I lose him. It's not always like this but today it was like that. Gotta ride the horse on the day that it is and work through it some days.






Passagey trot










Half passes






Mostly really stressed, lots of anxiety pretty much lots of fires going and I'm like what the heck is going on here? So putting out fires and trying to take care of Wonder AND get all this work done.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Another good tutoring session, we're getting through the work and I'm starting to get it and how to problem solve and how to evaluate the values. It's clicking! Not done yet but it's coming together, step by step! I actually really enjoy stats and analysis when it makes sense, I just need it delivered in a medium I can understand. I can't read and it click, it doesn't process in my brain. I have to see it and apply it and see how it interacts in the world.

Wonder and Roxanne out in the snow. He had a day off. I'm still putting out fires and more to put out tomorrow _sigh_ I'm exhausted. I'm still not really sleeping and mostly stressed and anxious all the time. Truthfully haven't had much "sit down and chill" time. Been going a lot.





I'm going to try to ride Wonder tomorrow but we'll see how the fires look tomorrow _head desk_ mostly just exhausted and extremely stressed. Just hope everything goes through.

I'm tired of feeling like the sky is falling, just tired. I just really hope everything will be okay, I'm quite used to random and odd weird things happening that can do a lot of harm but they're still so stressful like wtaf but it is me, so worst case scenario, nothing goes right and it all blows up in my face or something really specific happens. That is how my life goes generally. So generally not a hopeful, optimistic person. A grounded realist who is terrified to hope too much for anything, yet desperately needs to believe the world isn't hopeless and life is worth living.

In general I just don't feel safe or secure, I feel like the sky is falling and everything won't be okay. I lack faith in things working out okay because you do the right things and check the boxes, I figure whatever random thing will happen because it usually does for me. And I'm so stressed. Havent slept right since the 10th or 11th.

Another tutoring session Saturday, I'm looking forward to it. It's nice to have things to look forward to.

Wonder got his new shoes today, he has special suspensory support hind shoes which made a big difference. He cannot go without those.

And Magnus was super cuddly today before my tutoring session. He is so sweet! I'd be lost without my little buddy.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Work in the snaffle. Today's objective was not for quality of gaits or to work on "progress", it was working on details of acceptance of the aids and expected reaction to aids.

The issue today was that he didnt want to stay between my leg and my hand which can mean in terms of keeping him from bearing down on the bit or to yield laterally off the leg and accept the outside rein half halt. He was also pushing into the pressure today. Some days that's how it is and you ride the horse you have the day you ride.

Important to note with Wonder, just because you ask does not mean he will. He's something you have to really know what you're doing on. You have to know exactly what you want to feel and how to do it and what to do when he finds the loophole to make sure he keeps following the position and staying on the aids. If the rider quits riding a moment, well good luck. Wonder is extremely clever, he will find the loophole the next stride after you figure out the correction 😂 so you just have to ride your pants off to ride him, be very adaptable with good feel and think fast. it's a rush to ride, I love it!

The reason I am showing these sort of gritty detail rides which are not impressive is because they are important. Sometimes I throw both reins forward and that is NOT to test self carriage, it is to remind Wonder to carry himself and push the nose out. It can also be used to say get off the bit or here step into this, reach longer in the contact.

The reason I give one rein is NOT to test self carriage, it is to release the tension. Wonder will hold a lot of tension against the bit, so I release often. Usually not as big as this, usually it is just in the fingers. My base contact is between my index finger and thumb, when you see me ride most of the time that is my contact when I use the bit I use the fingers. I can use it in a massagey action, spongey action or pressure action followed by the release depending on what the aid needs to be to be effective. Even when you don't see the release, I release almost every stride. Every time I use the bit, I put my leg on and soften my fingers. The reason I do this is because Wonder will bare down HARD against the bit if the pressure is constant, this is how I keep him light and keep him "off the bit." You can't ride this horse with a "steady" neutral contact, it's a lot of neutral, half halts and softening every single stride, while I keep organizing his body underneath my position and I can't make a positional error on him or everything falls apart. I've put FEI riders on this horse and they can't even get him on the bit or particularly steer to put it into perspective. I'm not proud that he is so difficult, it is actually quite unfortunate but it is what it is and I enjoy riding him. He is very rewarding to work with and has an amazing work ethic and desire to work and please. Lots of good.

Another thing with riding him the rider needs to make sure they do not put the right seat bone down or it blocks his ride hind, rider will want to because he's lower right but if that is blocked the right hind becomes blocked from coming through. When a rider asks him to move around the rib cage they have to also position in such a way so that he does not let his quarters fall out. Wonder can come apart anywhere in his body, if one part goes - the whole thing goes and that is part of why he's so hard to ride. There is minimal margin for error. Where you put your weight, where you look, how much weight you put into your seat bones vs your stirrups, which seat bone is up or down, where are your shoulder blades, when you engage your core or take it off, if you have a thigh on or off, if you put one thigh on then the other better be lax to move his ribs, if you put both thighs on you're putting on the brakes, and a bunch of other little details.

With a horse like Wonder the reason I use so much leg has NOTHING to do with forward and everything to do with organization and keeping him "off the bit" Wonder can hit the bit so incredibly hard that it pulls my entire back out. The reason he does not is because I organize him every stride to sit back and stay off the bit with my seat, leg and organization. This is not a horse you could ever "widdle" the nose in or hold together, it's not possible to do. You have to ride from the hind leg inbetween the shoulders and keep his shoulder in line with his body to keep him in line and release in that time of guidance.

Wonder is absolutely a professionals type of ride and truthfully a lot of pros can't ride Wonder well, he is a special one. Today the root of why he's pushing into my leg and pushing into the pressure is his abs are a bit sore. Another thing in maintaining Wonder because he naturally has hard-dense muscles and he synthesizes protein too well (this is something biological and has nothing to do with riding, diet or how he is maintained). He has been professionally evaluated. I give him certain supplements and regular massage to help soften it but he will always have dense muscle tissue. This is genetic and a factor in why he is so godly strong. For perspective I have put a friend, male rider who was an international GP rider and rode the naughty horses his entire life. He said Wonder is the most powerful horse he's ever sat on. So I basically do a massage after every ride, not deep tissue but to sort of "break up" the dense muscle. Sometimes I do deep tissue but that takes a lot of time and planning. I also have a routine in the cold weather of putting an extra blanket on and hand walking him 10-15min before a ride to sort of "warm him" and get the muscles to relax a bit. Then stretching. He is a high maintenance horse, unfortunately.

Wonder is a ride that takes male strength and female tact to ride, it's that balance that's hard. I'm extremely strong and I work out a lot to be able to ride this horse. I have abs.

This isnt the pretty work where I'm trying to "maximize" what he can give me, I'm not working to produce a big or flashy trot. This is the boring meat and potatoes type work, the backbone of the work higher up. You have to be so mindful of your position on him and this is the same with every rider I've put on him because of how he is, the rider needs to look towards their right toe. He's very good at manipulating the rider's position and pulling them out, so I'm constantly adjusting myself and saying where my position is to be effective.










Gotten a lot done today, need to sit and work on portfolios. Been crazy busy, put out most of the fires at least. So hopefully can sleep tonight and not wake up 3 times and be up at 5am. Also my very loyal snow cat.


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## gottatrot

Thank you for posting the videos, it is educational to watch you ride and work with Wonder.


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- thank you. I try to show a more realistic picture because a lot of the days we are not doing anything exciting. I do not like drilling or over schooling. I use the exercises to improve acceptance and understanding of the aids and over all communication, suppleness, etc.

When I school half pass for example I might school it a total of two back and forth because I don't want to stress the stifles or body. I want to improve submission and acceptance of the aids and make the communication clear without damaging the horse. I think overschooling and drilling can damage a horse over time.

Also when I have 1 30min-2hr rides with this horse it isn't schooling this horse to breaking sweat or cantering around like crazy, it's a lot of walk breaks and "grit work."
----
About Wonder

1. Spermatic Cord Adhesion surgery
2. High right hind suspensory scar tissue
3. liver detox
4. Osteopath adjusted: his chest, pelvis, ribs and whole body. His entire pelvis has to be rotated, his chest was so out he "grew" 2 cms. He's 17.1h
5. Suspensory support aluminum shoes
6. regular massage work
7. heating treatments to the muscles
8. supplements​Osteopath fixed his chest and had to rotate his entire pelvis, why he short stepped right hind. Besides scar tissue. His entire pelvis was rotated and had to be fixed. He has special aluminum suspensory shoes on the hind because he needs support. He has scar tissue in both fronts, your mouth would probably drop if you saw his front legs and the right hind, so he isn't something that could ever go barefoot. He has good feet but he needs the structure and support from the shoe. It is also why I use the farrier that I do. He's expensive but he's shod at the world games and and is one of the best farriers in the country. He's also a great guy, so straight forward. He'll tell me exactly what he thinks and I say, do whatever you think is right. You're the expert. He continues his education and is always keeping up with the science and studies.

Part of why Wonder is so difficult is organizing the amount of power he has in the hind end. He has an incredible engine. The more powerful a horse is, the harder they are to ride. Most horses are not especially powerful and that is a good thing. A lot of pros can't ride Wonder because of the power of his engine alone, it is WAY WAY more than it looks. Sitting on him is very eye opening, every experienced rider whose sat on him has said, I have no idea how you can ride him like you do. I had no idea all that was going on when I watched you ride him. Other part is how ridiculously clever and quick thinking he is, if you "think" you have him worked out, he will figure out the counter within a stride or two. He's so quick to figure out the gap or loop hole, so as a rider you can't make an error. My friend who takes lessons on him sometimes riding has improved SO SO much from riding him. Now when she goes onto other horses, she's like woah I am capable lol. I said yeah, look at you your seat have improve so much you're getting "passagey" trot and creating a quality of trot that horse doesn't have BECAUSE you have to have that good of seat control and organization just to trot Wonder. You create the lift and suspension by holding it in youre core and back and time it with your leg to hand half halt. It's a feeling, it's all seat control and knowing what youre feeling for and how to ask.

Posting Wonder's trot is also funny, most people can't post his baby trot ****. It's funny, people use to a huge massive wb trot cant post Wonder's baby trot 😂 I get it, his trot is awful but it makes me laugh. Nobody thinks he's that bouncy until they sit on him and they're like  the canter is worse **** it is a very strong, back breaking canter. Takes a lot of lower back to sit against him, I've never seen a rider not get over powered or ran off with in the canter on him. Doesnt matter if they're a former international GP rider or on the national team, the canter is back breaking. It's gotten a lot better but there are still days where I'm like I can't even. I just dont have the strength or mental focus to ride it.

Something I'll also write about today is that people need to look at developing horses as a line of progression, not a rider with the right ability just magically fixes everything in one ride. That does not happen. Even if Carl Hester or Charlotte Dujardan got on a horse they aren't going to make that horse dance over night and on something like Wonder, they couldn't fix rhythm errors or those issues over night. Even though they are some of the best riders in the world with true skill, no rider can fix everything over night or a month. It takes time. A lot of the good GP horses you wouldn't have looked at twice in their developmental years because they move like chickens in the trot. Because it takes longer to establish the base on them. I had to teach Wonder how to organize his foot falls with my seat, I literally have to organize the movement from the moment his hoof leaves the ground and sets it. The passage has transformed his trot because it has made that organization and feeling really clear. Riding passage is hard and takes a lot of feel, good timing and organization.

Those huge, buoyant trots people oooh and aww at for example, me and a lot of people go very flashy, will never sit because it depends on that horses mechanical movement, not how pretty it is. But most people don't really know anything and just see flash and not mechanics. I really pay attention to the hind end, particularly the SI, stifle and hock. Especially the stifle because that is often what prevents a horse from pursuing a dressage career. A horse with stifle problems most of the time can't take true collection or higher level work, it breaks them. I'm not going to pretend high level dressage isn't hard on a horse's body, it absolutely is. Whole point being it isn't how "pretty" a horse moves that makes them an upper level prospect, it is HOW they move through their body, how they use themselves and what the rider is actually able to do over time. Training and developing horses takes time. It is not the rider just inputs the right code and gets the good result, it's a progression of time with a different path and trajectory for each horse.

Something you may not see, Wonder is still prone to rhythm errors. I still have to organize and regulate him every stride to keep rhythm. The reason he doesn't glitch anymore and make obvious rhythm errors is because we have worked through it for so long. This is something that takes years to do and one day it clicks. If Wonder isn't over his back, he cant reach through with his legs. Getting access to his back took a very long time.

One thing I do that is different is I have faith in the progression of time. I look at the mechanics and what can be, rather than what is in front of me.

When I look at "frame" or "outline" I dont really care about where the "nose" is. I dont care if a horse gets behind or in front, that doesn't mean anything to me. What I look at is the space in front of the withers, the space behind the saddle, the abdomen and the hind legs. I look at the biomechanics first, then the polishing details. Always address the biomechanical issue first, then worry about polish later. So many people start at the finishing details than wonder why their program falls apart. Well they didnt train the substance just focused on the superficial because they care more about "the impression" than the reality. Cant skip the meat and potatoes, it will come back to bite you.

Pictures

Wonder and Ranya. Ranja is pregnant, so she is not ridden atm. She is completely unreasonable with the pregnancy hormones.

The massive hematoma was from Ranya in August. She is a special, special kind of horse. She takes a very tactful, very skilled and direct rider. You have to really know what you're doing on her or it is dangerous. She can have extreme over reactions. The accident happened when she popped her shoulder out and I counter flexed her and touched, literally touched her with the right leg to pop the shoulder back and she leapt up in the air, twisted side ways and bucked until I hit the ground and came down on my leg. It was such a subtle aid, it took me totally by surprise and she can twist and turn her body like no horse. She is like sitting on top of a snake. Had a friend visit and rode Ranja, she was like HOW do you ride this horse. She's a very experienced rider but Ranja is like riding a snake, have to have such a strong position and really know what you're doing to get her body going in the same direction.

Something I'm also able to do is change the mechanics of the movement, Ranja will never have good mechanics but I can improve her gaits and mechanics by how I use my seat. She has no true canter rhythm. She'd never really go past medium because she can do a clean single change but tempis wouldn't be possible on her. She is so hard to ride a change on. Really have to guide her hind foot forward and basically ride her whole body. Good thing she has GP jumping talent, dressage she isnt' really built for. Her mechanics are not good.













Here I'm working on her canter and doing shallow loops to break up her body and use the exercise to help with her rhythm and foot falls. It is also to break up her neck from the base because she inverts badly (she has a conformationally upside down swan neck). So for her it is always have to move her body, so she takes the contact out and long. Rather than up. Can't hold her or "set" the head. Have to address the body and give her a light contact to step up into and "seek."

I wasn't even trying to ride into the corners because she is also incredibly spooky (I address by keeping her focus and confidence and keepig her with me). Always watch the ears and keep the ribs and guide the hind to rein, that's how I ride through it and with everything else going on in her, that was not a priority at the time.









When I ride, I don't care about the "nose", I care about positioning the neck between the shoulders and the hind leg stepping through the body between those shoulders with the expectation the horse takes to the contact to meet the connection. Moving the ribs for the bend with my knees and position. I try to ride a comb of biomechanically correct with dressage but biomechanics and getting the back and body always take priority over the head and neck. 

Funny story on the hematoma incident. My friend was with me who owns Ranja and she was like OMG OMG, what do I do? I was really injured, I thought it was broken. I couldn't move after Ranja's hoof landed on my leg. Good thing I have thick thighs LOL. But I was like take care of Ranja, I'll be okay and take care of me. Come back when you're done with Ranja. I was really calm because I needed to calm my friend down. So I'm in agonizing pain, I was almost throwing up, undo my belt because I was like omg. I was fading in and out, seeing black from the pain. Took my boots off and dragged myself on the floor to the fence to stand up. Realized it wasn't broken and my friend comes back and is like OMG what are you doing? I was like I'm a Marine, I got this. She was like OMG you are tough, like really wtf. So call the hospital and there is a long delay, I was in so much pain and I'm like F- it, they're just going to tell me to take ibuprofen and rest. Im not going to the Dr and I gotta clean Wonder's box. My friend was like, I can clean Wonder's box. You can barely stand and I was like well, I'm gonna clean his box. So I did LOL. And that pretty much sums up the kind of person that I am ****.

Also forgot I had a metabolic problem and gained like 12kg and lost 8kg, ran a bunch of tests. I ate under 1000kcal a day for a while because something was really wrong, if I ate more than 1000kcal. No idea what it was. But collagen, anti-inflammatory diet with probiotics and omega 3s seems to have done the trick. Took 4 or 5 months to lose the weight. Now I eat around 1500kcal regardless of exercise. My metabolism isnt great lol.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Not in a good place, one of my best friends took his life last night. Nothing to say on that atm, I'm processing and deeply upset. I was one of the few people he trusted and could really share with and vice versa, I've attempted so I really know what that mental space is like when you take action. I'm mostly numb and will probably lay in bed for awhile tonight. We were supposed to talk on the phone, he hadn't read my message. He was struggling and I'm not really surprised but it leaves a void of emptiness. He was a very exceptional, brilliant man. It's a loss to the world. Im mostly numb and just trying to process, it's nice to be distracted by studies from thinking of the loss. I dont think he wanted anyone to stop him, I think he made his decision in advance and acted. He was someone who when his mind was set, he acted.






Really pressed with classes bumped up two weeks with 5 days notice. Tutors are very busy in their lives.

Courses this semester
Perception and Action - basically neuroscience of action and perceptual processing
Computational Modelling for Cognitive Science - basically more data science and programming
Social and Cultural Dynamics in Cognition - largely building program and data models to design studies and develop good evaluations.

It's really critical thinking based, it's going to be intense and painful. Lots of reading. We have one theoretical class, one practical class for each subject.

And working on the exam. I'm over my limit in terms of stress and emotional input.

I see the Dr Thursday and psychologist Friday, tomorrow my car is having the brakes replaced. I pulled a flat yesterday and the back tires had to be replaced. University lost my money, so I had to figure all that out and mostly just not a great place. I had a mental breakdown and cried for over an hour. It's honestly been a lot to take in lately, I'm overwhelmed and shutting down mentally. High level processes aren't working atm. Hoping to get medication for ADHD as well, I need it.

Rode Wonder today, he had 3 days off (I wasnt in a mental space where it was safe for me to ride him). He was very eager to work again. We mostly worked on canter and getting him more on the spot and staying with the seat. It was actually really good work. Maybe I'll video later this week but I'm really pressed for time, so I'm not sure what day I'll be able to ride him. My schedule is crazy full. And I have to have down time or I'll mentally crack like an egg.

I am mentally ill, I have neurological disorders, I have some heavy life trauma. These are facts, it amazes me the level of ignorance and close mindedness people have within themselves when they call real things "excuses." People think because they don't see it, it must not exist and I am amazed by the lack of genuine empathy and lack of understanding. I have little patience for people who are equal parts ignorant and arrogant.

I will never understand why people who know so little in a given area, assume higher understanding to people who have worked in it and know it. It is a key frustration of mine.






In regard to horses

Part of why I share a bit about the horses I've ridden is to explain who the horse is and where the weaknesses are because that affects how it is best to ride and train them to counter balance those deficits. It also takes time to do so, it doesn't happen over night. Every horse has them. It is also meant to be educational and discuss some problem solving and how I approach it. I tend to isolate what is priority and what is not and install the "tools" in the horse and use exercises to assist, so we understand each other. Training systems differ, there is not one right way to train or develop a horse. It boggles my mind when people seem to think that there is not. There is not one clear path, there are many right ways and many wrong ways. Being a horseman means learning to be dynamic and knowing where to deviate to best educate the horse. It is knowing your own crookednesses and how to address the crookednesses and weaknesses within each horse. Every horse has conformational influences that make certain things more difficult, as a rider it is our job to address that and be realistic about the expectation and how to address the weaknesses.

Riding and developing horses is a lot of problem solving, it is not a straight shoot. It also changes day to day, what to address and how to address it. It's called being practical and realistic, it is not making excuses or blaming the horse. It is understand what is going on with the horse and addressing it in a realistic and practical way.

Had a conversation with a friend this week about correctness. What does "correct" mean? I think it is a relative term, I tend to think in term of biomechanics and science vs tradition. I also think it is relative to the horse's phase of training and what is being developed, as well as conformation. What is appropriate to the situation to meet the goal? What is the list of priorities?

Im a realist and tend to be quite practical. I dont get my head caught in the ideal but the reality and the process of developing towards the ideal. I am experienced, so I know you don't start where you end. Again I get frustrated with people who have so little experience and real world knowledge with limited ability but assume higher understanding and a self superior attitude. I dont think I'll ever get that. If someone falls short of perfection or the ideal, I dont diss them for their flaws, I take a realistic approach and context. I track the progress, rather than an unrealistic image of perfection. I focus more on the overall trajectory and overall development than the superficial parts. But I'm also not threatened by other people's achievements or successes. I'm not a particularly jealous person, I'm like cool. Good for them and focus on my life and my lane. I don't need to be "better than" anyone to feel adequate. I just need to be better than I was yesterday and authentic. So I can't really "get" people who always look for the speck in another's eye, while neglecting the log in their own.

My goal in life is basically be to happy and live a peaceful life. Obviously I have other goals but fundamentally that's the main one.

Like marriage and such, one day perhaps I'd love to find a real and true partner but I am pickier than picky about character and how I'm treated. I need someone with the intellect and curiosity to match me, as well as the heart and character to match me. I wont settle for less. I'm so hard to fit, I recognize it'll probably never happen for me and I've accepted that. I think anything short of that is a waste of effort. If it's meant to be, it will happen and if not I'm good. I'm not going to waste my life hoping for something that will probably never be.


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## ClearDonkey

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, @DanteDressageNerd. This year I am coming up on the five year anniversary of my friend taking his own life. Even though he wasn't a very close friend to me, he was my best friend's boyfriend for a time, and I saw the pain and grief she went through. I'll be thinking of you for the coming weeks/months/years, as I know this this kind of thing never stops hurting.


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## whisperbaby22

I'm sorry for your loss.


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## JoBlueQuarter

I'm so sorry for your friend.


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## gottatrot

Sorry you are going through the loss of your friend. It is harder to accept that kind of death than most.


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## knightrider

So sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope you find healing. Every time I see you have posted, I think, "Oh, good, Dante's still posting." I love reading what you write, even though sometimes it is worrisome. I am glad you are on the forum. And you explain a lot about horses, which I really like.


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## egrogan

Very sorry to read about your friend.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I'll try to address individually later. Thank you for your consideration and support, I'm not thinking very well atm, I'm heartbroken. It's a really bad time. It's hitting hard today and I am so numb and not thinking very well. I knew him for 7 years, we spoke regularly. I was one of the few people he trusted. And we often had amazing talks. I still have his voice messages.

I see a Dr tomorrow and psychologist on Friday, this is a great psychologist. The only one I've found who can out pace because I definitely put them through their paces to see if their credible and competent or not.

I have to survive because like John said, academia and research needs to hear from people like us to know the real story of what is going on and how to help. I hate the outdated scientific model of being like an objective 3rd party observer, the scientist in the lab coat. It is so flawed and gets it wrong, flat out and dangerously wrong. They look at the external behavior and totally miss the root. I need to bridge the gap, so more people like John dont take their life feeling powerless in a world not made for them.

Example: biased assumptions that autistics are antisocial, I do not find that to be true. What I find is autistic people who are traumatized and confused by social situations and crave connection more than normal people but struggle to be able to achieve it. So to avoid stress and triggers, they avoid entirely. But the tradition is to say autistics are inherently antisocial because most of autistic research was done using flawed medical assumptions without asking autistics people. People run away with their biases and aren't willing to consider different perspectives. I have to do that all the time because I know the majority doesnt think like I do and I have to adapt to be understood and heard. But I will never be neurotypical, I will always be autistic and think, communicate and process information differently.

I am angry at the professionals who failed him. He should not be dead right now, he went to get help and he gave up on it because they weren't equipped to help him. They had their checklists, research and textbooks but didn't know anything about how to help. He'd been in institutions, he'd been to psychiatrists and psychologists and didn't think anyone really heard him or could help. He was smarter than they were, more insightful and they offered check lists where he needed problem solving and guidance. He was a brilliant man, very well versed in scientific literature, well read and truly had something unique to offer the world. He was one of the most intelligent and insightful people Ive ever met. We understood each other. He said people like us only have people like us to understand us. He was a good man and he is dead because his illnesses and traumas that no one took seriously took his life. Ive been down that road, I know what drives someone to do it. It could have been me and it amazes me when people say, I didn't see it coming. I knew but I didn't think he'd do it and I couldn't stop him. He attempted 2 weeks ago, we were supposed to talk. He never read my massage.

He told me the scientists and academics need to hear the reality from our side of the fence. That I need to make a difference because people like him are counting on me to get it right, to break the barriers. It has to be me, there is so much you can only understand from the inside. He shouldn't be dead right now, he was a fighter and much tougher than almost anyone I know. We were the people who'd been broken and refused to quit. The illness took him, the darkness and tortures of trauma and psychosis took him. Why don't people listen? They treat illness like a joke, they turn their head when someone is screaming for help because it is an inconvenience to them and their comfort. What is life really worth? Only so much as it does not inconvenience you?


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## whisperbaby22

I've been around long enough to know that "research" and "science" only goes so far in seeking the truth, when it needs to seek funding.


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## DanteDressageNerd

ClearDonkey- thank you, losing someone this way is very painful because you know it was their decision to make. I know John felt lost and trapped and felt this was his only way out. I was listening to his voice recordings from our last conversation last night. He was in so much pain, I could hear it in his voice and the conversation we had was quite dark. I know what that dark place is like, I have been there. I have tried to take my life before, so I understand and we talked until he fell asleep after his last attempt. I knew he wasn't well but I also didnt want to harass him. John was very independent and liked to do things his way, I respected that. And I hope he's found peace.

whisperbaby22- response to both messages, thank you. And I agree science and research only goes so far into the truth because we are limited not only by the scientific method and tools of our time but also our awareness of what exists. I used to study quantum physics but it led to psychosis for me, so I had to quit but delve into that and things get really crazy.

JoBlueQuarter- thank you. I am sorry too, he shouldn't be dead right now but I hope to change things for people like John and I.

gottatrot- Thank you. It is hard to accept, I understand where he is coming from because I have attempted to take my life before. I get it and I don't blame him in any way, shape or form but it's a real loss to the world and I'm sorry he felt this was his only option.

knightrider- I am pretty honest, there is a lot I do not share because it is of a darker nature but I do not think anyone should worry about me following John. I have work to do, my time isn't over yet. I might not be a "happy" person who life runs smoothly or things work out for but I have a purpose and I'll make a difference. And I'll make the people around me lead better lives by being here.

egrogan- thank you. My heart is broken and my mind is a little less empty than yesterday but I'm still not well. I am really upset.
-------
I saw the Dr today and I want to make it clear I have no plans to follow John into the next life. The only time I have attempted was because I was incorrectly placed on SSRIs (this can reduce your self control is crisis) and had a mixed episode and was in a crisis point. I have bipolar disorder and ADHD, I should never have been on SSRIs but at the time we thought anxiety-depression and I dont think the research had been known about SSRIs and ADHD. I could rant on psych meds and I want to make it clear, I am not anti medication but I am pro being well informed and not taking it just because. I cannot be medicated because I have too many comorbidities (fancy term meaning co-occurring conditions). So if I take something to address a particular issue, it creates an issue with another thing. And it unbalances my coping strategies, so it is best for me not to take medication. Except for ADHD, that I have to be medicated for because my ADHD is really bad. However I have to be careful with it because it can trigger a manic or hypomanic episode.

To be clear ADHD is NOT a deficit of attention or excuses, it is the brain's inability to regulate attention and make goal driven behavior difficult. It also effects executive functions which are critical. It is not a will power issue and it is important to understand that even under the same diagnosis, people's individual experiences and issues can vary.

What is a mixed episode? A mixed episode for me is: pressured speech, rapid flight of ideas (this is physically painful), impulsivity and increased energy while simultaneously feeling worthless, wholly inadequate, doomed with no motivation to live, general cynicism and suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are not necessarily a cause for concern, they are common enough and simply because someone has those thoughts does not mean they will act.

Part of why I'm talking about it is I want to be a part of reducing stigmas and open that door, if people don't want to read it then go somewhere else. But I will share for those who are interested. I also dont care if people are nasty and critical behind my back, I do not value or respect those people. So I do not care what they think. And one nice thing about how I am is when I don't care, I really don't care and I like that.

In terms of my bipolar disorder, _knock on wood_ I have been relatively stable. Last year I was not. I'm also taking certain supplements and have a careful diet, which are NOT a cure but helps. I've also figured out how to structure my life to help keep me stable enough.

I think what makes autism difficult isn't the autism itself but the way the world views and treats my autism. The environment and structure of the world. How I explain autism is like I am a mac book and someone else in windows, we are different processing systems. People tell me I must be high functioning because they can't see it. People like to think if they can't "see" it, then it must not exist. I promise I struggle every day to do basic functions others take for granted, I have to work harder and compensate for my weaknesses. I also interpret and process information differently. My autism makes me see patterns and details other people can't see, it helps me be very passionate and feel completely. It makes me real and seek real connections. I am more sensitive to stimuli than a normal person, I am aware of things other people are not which can be a bad and a good thing. I have had to leave buildings because of being overstimulated by lights and sounds, I often have to carry ear plugs with me in areas with certain noise factors. I over react to sounds. I have deficits and things that make life difficult because of this difference, particularly with communication but for the most part I appreciate the gifts of my autism more than hate the deficits. It just makes life hard.

I'll probably never be a particularly happy person and I do not believe in karma. I think karma is a low level concept for people to think there is some rhythm to this madness or some kind of cosmic justice. I do not think so. The people I know with the biggest, purest hearts usually take the most damage and have the most bs happen and the people I've seen who are well less than decent often get their way. I don't think there is a rhythm to it. I think you can do everything technically "right" and it all blow up in your face anyway because of unknown and unforeseeable factors. And when that happens, you accept responsibility, roll with the punches and keep going because that's all you can do.

Wonder had the day off. And Im exhausted and taking it easy. I feel numb and empty, I'm really not processing higher order thinking atm. I've missed class going to Dr's appointments and I see a psychologist tomorrow. I am not doing well. I have very little energy and mostly just empty. It isn't like a depression episode, mostly just being in a void and at a loss, grief. Magnus has been a good support cat, I need him.

With horses I'll say I find inexperienced people tend hold ideals and a one size fits all methodology with no real awareness or appreciation for training and development, where they think training is more or less linear and everything is a result of human error. 

I think experienced people are aware of their own flaws and know enough that they know the difference between what is situational and what is own. As well as what is appropriate to expect given the horse and phase of training. It does not start where it ends or there would be no point in training. I am sometimes amazed by how arrogant and dense people can be in how they criticize others and situations they know nothing about and don't have a clue what it is like to be in that situation. I think it is very easy to assume when someone lacks experience with a diverse range of types and developing multiple horses through a progression of phases. It really changes perspective.


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## whisperbaby22

Hah! "Awareness of what exists". What a great way of putting it. I often wonder at the arrogance of many disciplines.


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- me too.

In general people can only understand to the extent they have experienced. It is part of why people who are ignorant are so confident in their "righteousness" and people who are experienced offer more thought and can be confident but less certain.

I also wonder aghast at how arrogant and equally ignorant people can be, I have little patience for it. I think why I don't participate in group-think or ever think because people support me that-that is correct. I generally only care about the opinions of people who I respect, if someone disagrees with me. I like to ask their opinion in full and why and we can have an informed discussion about it. I find you learn more that way. You stand to either change your view or understand your own better.

I think I live in question, doubt and curiosity. I generally live 2nd guessing myself because I care about accuracy. I generally don't think about other people in the sense of what they're doing, I care about their well being but I don't really care about the petty stuff. More character stuff. I generally live in exploration, growth and pushing forward. I do not prioritize being liked or accepted, I prioritize growth and exploration.

People's interpretations or judgements of others says a lot more about the individual judging and their insecurities and projections than it does about the other person. Our perceptions often aren't the reality. That is something that has been hammered into me in the neuroscience and cognition courses. "Your perception of me is a reflection of you."

The information more accessible








Perception Is Not Reality


Just because you think something is reality doesn't make it reality.




www.psychologytoday.com





I try to perceive on what I call the undercurrent reality, what simply is before we interpret and perceive it. What that is, I will never truly know as perception is shaded by our experiences and biases. We all have them. However I think it is important to challenge ourselves and our perceptions.
------

Today it has become a depression episode. Wonder has time off. I'm not doing well. Saw the psychologist, discussed a lot about the medical system and the problems with the structure of psychiatry. He had been an educator in Germany on this, he's one of the best.

We discussed John quite a bit, I've been listening to old recordings. I don't have words atm, mostly feelings and a deep hole. Discussions John and I had about maybe we just dont have a person for us. That we're too damaged for someone to love, truly love and respect. How when people see how damaged we are, they're out the door so fast there was no point to remember their name. How we have given up on romantic love because people like us when they see us smiling, happy and when we're fun and easy but run when we're down or hurting or when we're real, really real. So we often test and push to see if someone is really there or just there when it's convenient. Id rather someone walk out the door than get attached and realize they were never there to begin with. People show the truth with their choices and actions. I'm past the point of making excuses for people. People do what they want to. I am understanding and respectful but there is a limit. People make you a priority or they dont and dont have to be number 1 but at least on the list.

People like convention and their comfort zone, they dont like being challenged and different idea do not make they curious or excited like it does for John and I. They see it as a threat and take it personally. Where John and I are people who challenge in face of gaining accuracy, people interpret that as being defensive. Vs John and I see it as exploration and discussion. Blind acceptance is stupid. If you cannot convince me by reason and evidence, then why should I accept blindly? We were also the kinds who were baffled by short sighted people calling discussion excuses, like why can't you understand context? Are you too dense to understand situational factors? This is not a black and white world.

Something we discussed today was that I've more or less given up on humanity and that I don't expect much from people anymore. I don't really hope in term of human relations because I find people tend to let you down. So I tend not to get attached or hope for much. And am pleasantly surprised when people aren't selfish jerks.

I'll probably be in bed by 2100. I dont have any energy. I go to sleep tired, I wake up tired. I have little motivation but have to feed Wonder and put him out so it forces me to get out of bed.


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## gottatrot

I really love your insights. That is a great thought, and one I can relate to: "People who are experienced...can be confident but less certain." Such a good way to put it. I am like that with both horses and in my career.
This too is excellent:
"I think I live in question, doubt and curiosity. I generally live 2nd guessing myself because I care about accuracy."


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## DanteDressageNerd

gottatrot- Thank you. I think you have to be, I think when you have experience and are competent you become on one side confident in what you know but increasingly aware of what you don't know. When I have questions I go to the experts and I ask people who are very experienced and well educated. I dont know a lot, so I go to the people who know more than me. That said I think you can learn something from anyone but I also think you have to be careful about who you listen to and decide who has constructive/useful advice. With horses I especially want people who can help hands on who can actually see the situation and be there to put hands on the horse, so they actually know what is going on and "get it." With the "special cases" people can't get it until they're the one with hands on the horse or in the saddle. What appears isnt always what is, with these guys convention often fails. And I gravitate towards constructive or insightful thinkers and experienced horseman.

I think it is best not to be self assured or certain in what you know, I'm always waiting for and seeking better and better knowledge in life and in horses.

--------

HORSE STUFF

Wonder was really good today. I did a deep tissue massage on Wonder, he is one I dont especially like doing deep tissue on because he is so sensitive and over reactive. I have to be so careful or I could get really hurt. And it is exhausting to do, it takes a lot of work and a lot of time. I put him under the heat lamp which turns Wonder a bit brown but it's good for his muscles.

He cracks me up, he always looks to me on the ground. It's something the osteopath pointed out, I'm Wonder's safety blanket. He doesn't really trust new people, so when she was working on him I had to be present or she couldnt work on him. He wouldnt let her. He's funny about touch, he has to really trust the person. I had a massage therapist in May or June work on him once who I will not have back again because she was way too rough. I've worked REALLY hard to get Wonder to the point of trusting people to work on him and I had to re-start that process after that. He is still REALLY sensitive to work on, I have to be really careful when I massage him because he has some extreme over reactions. And Wonder is very defensive, when he has been very aggressive it isnt because Wonder is mean. It's because he doesn't like to share control, which came from having "trust issues" which came from pain and fear at some point so a lot of my work with him has been retraining associations, reactions and building trust. 

Way back when, a few friends disagreed with me doing this but I said, with Wonder he needs to have a clear path or direction of expectation but he also has to be given a choice. I had friends who thought I should kick his butt and I said no, that makes him worse because the symptom is not the problem. And I get frustrated with people who are so focused on traditions and convention that they miss what is in front of them. They focus on the symptoms and dont look at the root of problem or behavior and that is why they can't deal with something like Wonder. Now they see the "method to the madness" but it took patience and time. And I dont mind being told I'm crazy when I have faith in the process and what the result will be.

I've put a lot of work into getting Wonder on my side, that has taken years so I am extremely careful about that. A lot of working with Wonder is management and treatment. Wonder is my baby and I'll fight for him. And it absolutely means a lot to me when someone says I dont know anyone else who could have done what you have with that horse. It's really impressive. And it means more when that person is on the Danish national team. And why it means anything is because most of the time when you take on a horse like Wonder, you dont get compliments. You get criticism and back talk from people who dont have the faintest idea what they're talking about. And to have someone of that caliber say that meant something to me.

Wonder is really a good horse, yeah he's really challenging, unconventional and shall we say interesting? but he's so rewarding. He's the eager beaver over achiever. Sometimes he gets carried away and takes over and I know I shouldn't let him but I'm laughing too hard to stop him because he doesn't do it to be bad, he does it because he's like oh this is fun, how about it! And I remembered something the horse behavioralist said, Wonder loves it when I laugh and smile. She said, he has such a big reaction and tries harder every time and that's what I love about Wonder. He can be a real unreasonable jerk some days and I'm like why do I love this jerk? But underneath all of that he has a really big kind heart with so much try. And his over eager temperament just makes me laugh. He makes his own decisions and goes for it, I like that about him. I love the conversation of working with Wonder, it's a very back and forth dialogue and it's rewarding. It's taken a lot of work, a lot of blood, sweat, tears, hair ripping and my savings to get to that point but it was worth it.

I also have a friend who describes Wonder as a dragon on the outside and a delicate flower on the inside and that's about right. The horse behavioralist described Wonder as a horsemen's horse. You have to be an expert and very adept at reading horses. She was also impressed by how well trained he was on the ground. I sought out experiences to learn and horses to keep advancing my perspective. I've learned from a lot of different people and learned details I didnt know existed until they pointed it to me. Still have a lot more to learn but I thoroughly enjoy the horsemanship aspects of horses as well. Not just riding. 

I really enjoy the whole thing, I enjoy massage because it gives me the ability to really understand and know a horse's body and what's going on. Where the weaknesses are or soreness is and what I'm feeling vs what the body says. And when to bring in a specialist. I really enjoy just doing horsemanship and different tricks and exercises with them. I actually taught Wonder to ground drive at what point. I haven't done it in a while but that was a project lol. Wonder hated it but I think it was really important in showing Wonder how to release his body to someone and trust. In general, he had the most extreme, dangerous reactions as a result of lacking trust and not wanting to share control. So periodically he'd just take over. And that is a big part why lateral work was very important with Wonder.

A lot of Wonder is addressing the mental and psychological, not just the physical and it is the same when he is ridden. A lot of the power behind an aid isnt the aid itself but the intent. I think that's why other riders struggle so hard on Wonder, you can't expect your aid to move him. It has to come from the mind and intent, along with the aid and be ridden well and in good time. When I teach someone on him, it's amazing the details they werent aware of that are really important on a horse like Wonder. 

Example someone tried to leg yield on Wonder and they were like, why isnt he responding? And I said because you have to use your mind and intention, else he'll just push into your aid like he's doing now. And you cant get stronger in the leg, you need to ask and release the aid or he will push into it. He knows what you want but He tests and he does it as a Im not going to release my body to you, until you earn it. Because acceptance of aids is submission and that is not top of Wonder's vocabulary lol. He's a horse you have to be comfortable with the fact, youre not really "in full control" he always has his hoof on the steering wheel and he can take over when he wants. The reason he doesnt is trust and respect with shared partnership.
-----

I am still really sad about John, I cried quite a bit in the weekend. Someone asked me how I was and I started crying. I got donuts lol. It's funny how hard it hits and when you don't expect it.

I spend a lot of the time confused, now that we're in corona times I spend less time confused because there are less human interactions. But human behavior in general baffles me. People say what thing and mean an entirely different thing and I dont mean like sarcasm, I love sarcasm but people who are too polite and excessively use euphemisms concern me. I dont trust overly nice or polite people. They hold back too much of what they really mean.

I also think there is a polite way to be straight forward and honest. By still being respectful and actually caring about the other person. There is a difference between being blunt and candid. Blunt people will often say, well I'm just saying what I think and often times it means, they're saying what bolsters their ego with no regard for anyone but themselves or any interest in discussion. You can be straight forward, honest and respectful which would be what I call candid. Someone who says what they mean and means what they say, while still respecting and having regard for others.

I feel like Data (from Star Trek) a lot of the time, I dont become quite so aware of it until I am in a situation and other people seem to instinctively understand and know what they're supposed to do or how to interpret the situation and I'm baffled. I dont think I have the coding sequence to know how to address this particular situation or to know what it means. I'm highly analytical and can use a lot of deductive reasoning but some situations, especially when personal are harder to read.

In some ways I'm very emotional and feel deeply, in other ways I am extremely logical and detached. 

Going to a psychiatrist and trying ADHD meds. It is actually a little funny, when I take stimulants that would make most people feel like they're on speed. I become sleepy and slow. Time feels slower and it is very disconcerting for me because my brain normally feels like a hamster on a wheel with minimal perception of time.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Rode Wonder in the snaffle, he doesn't feel quite right so I am having someone come out to look at him. His responses aren't right, he is really resisting bend around my right knee and position and pushes hard into it, then bracing the right rein and runs through the right turn which isnt normal. So I'm having the chiropractor have a look at him, it feels like he doesnt want to come up through the abdomen and is guarding something in the back. His ribs dont feel flexible, it feels like he is pushing the ribs into my right leg to avoid coming through hind and through the abdomen. He's dropping more right hip than left. His responses to my aids dont feel right.

I did a massage on him Monday, he had some spots but it wasnt bad. I mean yes he tried to body slam me in some spots (groin, abdomen) because it's Wonder and he's melodramatic. He has certain spots have to be so careful. I always start with a light touch and build but even a feather light touch, Wonder can over react to and his over reactions go from 0 to 100, which is a lot of work I've done to get him to not have such extreme reactions (lots of reconditioning his responses, so he knows I hear him he whispers) to lessen the extreme responses but still a process. It's a lot better than it was. This is a bit ago but I had a time where I stood near his shoulder and touched a spot (feather light touch) and he swung around so I was positioned right behind him and he threatened to kick me with both hind legs. I thought I was going to die, that really scared me. 0 to 100 reaction to me TOUCHING like feather touch to a sore spot. He has also body slammed me and knocked the wind out of me. That was scary. I couldnt get him off of me for a bit. Now when something hurts or I found a spot, he usually gives me a look or he will put his head in my arms or he gestures. I'm always watching him when I work on him, reading him, feeling his energy. Other times he just reacts and often there isnt a warning, so I am also cautious about where I position myself and what pressure I use to start. You just have to know how to tread around him and correct him because sometimes he does the over reactive stuff because he is hurting and trying to protect himself, other times it is dominance and he is testing. It takes knowing him and reading him to know how to react or correct it. Sometimes it is making him toe the line and using discipline, other times it's backing off and listening to what he is trying to communicate.

He HATES grooming, even soft brushes. Which sucks because I love grooming, I like the horses that push into the curry and go oh yeah, right there. Vs Wonder is like OMG that soft brush, he doesnt kick or bite anymore but I have to watch him and generally warn other people when they try to groom because he will kick other people. And that is something that frustrates me too, I can "fix" behaviors for me but then if it's somebody else, it doesn't necessarily transfer. I wish it wasn't like that. I love Wonder, he is such a good horse in many ways but there are some things I'm just like  and it is exhausting, it takes a lot out of me to work with him.

I have a high maintenance horse and I wont go into what I pay to maintain him. He doesnt need injections but shockwave and different treatments for scar tissue. He has scar tissue in 3 legs, so I'm very careful about how I maintain him. I also have to keep him off of the frozen ground. I had been putting him out because I thought his mental well being was more important but it's affecting his legs. So I think I have to limit that  the right hind he is moving too quick off of it. The chiropractor coming is also a lameness specialist, so she can evaluate that as well and tell me if he needs anything else.






And I'm not doing well today. I keep wondering why is it never enough? Why aren't I enough? Why does my effort not matter? Why does it always seem to blow up in my face and leave me feeling like shattered glass on the floor? I'm tired. I'm hurting, Im riddled with self doubt and wondering why is it never me? Why aren't I good enough? Why isnt anything I do good enough? Why can't things go smoothly? Why cant I be the one someone chooses? Why can't it be me? I'm tired of struggling in so many aspects of life. I'm tired of fighting so hard and it never being enough.

I'm not naive enough to think I'm owed a good life or even decency or kindness but I'm tired. I'm so tired of everything going to hell in a hand basket. And things just not going right. So much has gone wrong this year, much I have not written about and a lot of it is stuff that was totally out of my hands, if it was my fault than I could be like well I just need to get it together and here are the steps but it's a really bad year so far and it is weighing me down. I dont believe in karma. In times like these I think of the book of Job in the bible. The primary lessons of that being, no matter what you do or what kindness you spread, it does not mean you are owed a good life, health or happiness.

I'm struggling to keep up in my classes and feel like a failure. Yeah they're really hard but I'm struggling to keep myself from drowning. I'm so overwhelmed.

This year has been terrible so far, so much has gone wrong and much I wont go into. I lost one of my best friends to suicide. I miss him so much. The University lost my money and threatened to remove me, that is settled now. I got my exemption for the exam and have to re take it another semester but I'm not in a mental condition to do it. I'm barely functioning, my brain feels half on, half off. I cant do higher cognitive functions. My heart is broken and when I talk to people I put on a mask and I'm full of smiles, laughter and jokes because I cant let them see that I'm barely keeping it together. I dont know how to show people that side. In person when I'm doing poorly, I am full of smiles and laughter so no one can see the pain or struggle.

My whole body is hurting. Im in physical pain every day but this is a lot more recently, I have a degenerative disk in my lower back, tendenitis left hip flexor, problems in my knees and collapsed arches. Cost of being a veteran. And I'm tired of it. I can barely keep food down because Im hurting. Part of how I manage my pain is by staying very fit and doing a lot of exercises I have not been doing because I'm depressed and so, now my body is falling apart ****.


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## whisperbaby22

My thoughts are with you.


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## DanteDressageNerd

whisperbaby22- thank you kindly 💖

12 February is Wonder's birthday. He turns 11. He spent 5 years as a racehorse and I'll have had him 4 years 24 June. I bought him apples because they're his favorite treat and gave him 3. He seemed so happy 

Wonder and I both saw the chiropractor today, Wonder's right 16th rib was out, hip and shoulder. He spent a few hours outside, atm it is less because it is so cold. It was -15 this morning. He has 3 days off which is fine, when it is so cold we work lightly anyway.






He got loose from me. He was in the field and when I went to close it, he went past me and I was like really?




------
Depression related. It's been a rough few days. I woke up really puffy. Felt like a train hit me.

In general people are not curious about different perspective or what makes us different or exploring different kinds of minds or ways of thinking. I think in some ways I'm still very child-like in my need to explore, learn and be curious and need to find what works and what doesnt without assuming the conventional way is best because I think there is always a better way.

I cried for over an hour last night. Largely about hope and how I wish I could talk to John about it because he understood. He was in the same boat. We could talk about this stuff. I miss his insight, he had bipolar disorder too. John was right, he had said he gave up on the happy life because it's too disappointing when it's not. And that he didnt think there was anyone for him because when you're broken, people don't choose you and when they do, we self sabotage and push them away assuming they already have their foot out the door. And Id probably argue something about, people like us need the most love and need more than we care to admit because we've spent so much time turning to ourselves and realizing people will never be there when we really need them. We only have ourselves to rely on. I let myself hope for a minute, I let myself believe maybe there was a silver lining and it blew up in my face and I paid for that little bit of hope. I know better. The problem is my nature is to be optimistic and that has been beaten out of me like I'm a piñata. Connection and attachment tend to bring me the most pain, so I try not to. When I care, I really care and when I dont, I really dont.

I'm a realist, I dont get swept up in fantasies or hope. I analyze probabilities and likelihood, generally in a less than heartening way. I'm accepting my place in life. It is painful but I hope my work will make a difference one day, so the next generation doesn't end up like me living in pain. We have to do better and we need to figure out how to break the barriers and help people. I'd like to address education and systems to be more accessible for people who deviate from the norm to get adequate help and support. Id like to offer insight into addressing the key problems, core problems, not the assumed superficial problems. Ex: the obsession about socialization and autistics vs addressing executive functioning deficits and life skills. Too many autistics dont have a job, cant find work and live off the system. There needs to be a better way and to prepare people better for adult life. There isnt really "adult support" programs like they have for children.

Depression is linked to enhanced pain and it is a whole body kind of pain. Depression isnt a joke, though some people think it is a choice and I laugh. Well it must be nice to sit so high looking down on all the "lesser" people. Studies havent figured out what causes depression, In actuality we dont really know what it is. However studies have found insufficient evidence to say it is a "chemical imbalance", despite it being popularly stated but studies dont support that claim.

Pop Sci basics








6 Reasons Why Major Depression Is So Painful


Research reveals why we hurt emotionally.




www.psychologytoday.com





In real life, I'm generally the person who makes people "feel better" or offers perspective, I try to be practical and realistic but also fair and understanding. People trust me and feel safe around me. And I don't think most people realize while Im smiling, laughing and telling jokes that I'm not well. Im a master at masking. Part of why I do it is, I dont want to bring down the happiness or general good energy of a room or space. Another part is because I dont want anyone to feel like I do, I want people to be happy and I want to be a part of that happiness. And for that moment when I'm with other people, I can pretend to be ok, be accepted, wanted and connect to people. I don't really let anyone see the pain because I dont want to be a burden or drain on their energy. People don't stay around if they see that. People only like you to the extent of what you make them feel. I do not expect people to be there, I expect them to disappear with a "I hope you understand." And I smile and nod, pretending it doesn't hurt. it's just a reminder that people do what is fundamentally best for them and to remember my place and not to expect or hope.

When I was younger, I thought if I was pretty enough, smart enough, kind enough, interesting enough, funny enough, charming enough then I could connect to people and feel less isolated and foreign. What I've come to understand about those superficial qualities is people like you for the duration of time they're around you. They might compliment you and cheer you on for that moment but when that moment it over, they are gone. And whatever connection or exchange had was only for that moment and that is what hurts. I think perhaps I am seeking something real in temporary people, hoping they are not temporary. My mistake.






Dear life, am I doing this right?
Can you see me tonight
Can you help me dear life?
And I know that I can't understand
What you hold in your hands for me
Dear life
I'm a survivor
I'm a survivor
I'm a survivor
Dear life
Sometimes it hurts you
Maybe it's a lesson learned
To bring my feet back to this earth
To find what's real
Dear life, am I doing this right?
Can you see me tonight
Can you help me dear life?
And I know that I can't understand
What you hold in your hands for me
Dear life
I'm a survivor
I'm a survivor
I'm a survivor
Dear life
Dear life






Depressive Realism - the idea that people who experience depression have a more accurate perception of reality. Studies show mixed results.

I have note pads and notebooks EVERYWHERE because I lack a proper working memory, so I have to write things down. Same when I code, need notes and agendas and lists everywhere.
Working Memory and why it matters








How your "working memory" makes sense of the world


"Life comes at us very quickly, and what we need to do is take that amorphous flow of experience and somehow extract meaning from it." In this funny, enlightening talk, educational psychologist Peter Doolittle details the importance -- and limitations -- of your "working memory," that part of...




www.ted.com


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## knightrider

So sorry you are going through a painful time. Is your semester over? Do you get a little break between semesters? There are lots of us on Horse Forum who care a whole lot about you and want the best for you.🐈


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## gottatrot

"Too many autistics dont have a job, cant find work and live off the system. There needs to be a better way and to prepare people better for adult life. There isnt really "adult support" programs like they have for children."

This is very true. I believe a lot of the potential workforce is rendered unusable because there is a low tolerance for any kind of mental illness or anything outside of "normal." People are not valued for their talents, and unless the person can find some kind of unusual, non-traditional way of creating their own work that brings in income, they are marginalized. 

It bothers me a lot that everyone is accepted for their sexual orientation, race and everything else that might in the past have been considered odd, but there is no education about accepting those with mental illness. The only programs are to medicate or "fix" things that are unfixable. I've learned a lot more about mental illness as an adult, with close family having mental illness issues. My uncle has bipolar, and there is some help for him with his medications, but it's not like he is "fixed" and still doesn't have major issues with both manic and depressive states. 

Others in my family have conditions that are far less treatable. But there is very little help or support so they can be more independent or have an income, although they are intelligent people with many talents. It is still a stigma and people are more likely to avoid those with mental health issues as if it is something they might catch. Many beautiful, unique, highly intelligent people such as yourself have bipolar or autism, and some wonderful people in my family have bipolar, autism, OCD, PPD, and PTSD.


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## gottatrot

Forgot to say the video of Wonder with the apple was so cute!


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- I had a break in December-January and exam February, so I'm immediately in courses again. And thank you, I truly appreciate it 💖

My classes are
Perception and Action (neuroscience + data science of movement)
Computational Modeling (data science and advancing statistical methods)
Social and Cultural Dynamics (mostly data science)
It's a lot of critical thinking and justifying choices.

gottatrot- precisely and it doesnt make sense, why is there so much acceptance for other things but not mental illness or neurological disorders, etc? I also feel for your family, mental illness is not a joke or a choice. I cant tell you how many times I've had people send memes or other "advice" about how mental illness is my choice and I need healthier thoughts and yoga to remedy it  It is not that they actually want to help, it's more of a condescending well youre just not in the right way. Im like hey, it's great you dont have a mental illness and that works for you but if you dont know what you're talking about STFU.

That said I think mindfulness is important, I think a healthy diet, probiotics and supplements, daily exercise, etc are helpful BUT it is NOT a cure. I do those things so I have a fighting chance but it is not a cure. I also agree on medication, it is not a cure. I can be medicated for ADHD but not mood stuff, it is dangerous for me. I have too many comorbidities.

I think with mental illness people think it is "made up" because they cant see or experience it for themselves. I also find most people are quite dense and lack cognitive flexibility, so they dont think it is real unless they experience it for themselves. Ignorance combined with arrogance.

I've had friends ask if I'll return to the US and I said there is no future for me, only discrimination. People often fear what they do not understand and I think the media portrays such a negative view of mental illness that people make assumptions before they give an individual the chance. People tend to choose fear, rather than curiosity over what they do not know or understand. I also find people who are small minded tend to mock and make fun of those who dare to challenge convention and assumptions, they mock because they are poorly reasoned.

I also dont like the academic environment in the US because it is such a political game, built on fantasy and what discoveries companies want to be the outcome vs the reality. It is a very nasty game, I have many relatives in academia and it sounds very nasty. And to be honest, I dont think I'll ever be "human enough" to understand those kinds of games. The extent of vileness within humans still takes me by surprise and I will never be adept at those social games or power plays or egocentrism. In the US talking the talk seems more important than walking the walk, it is the opposite in Denmark. Big talkers are frowned upon and people watch your results, the US it is the opposite. If one doesnt talk big and self promote effectively, they'll never be looked at on merit.

Another thing in the US vs Denmark, here open discussion is permitted and people are mature enough to discuss and agree to disagree with civility. There is such a thing as honor and respect for others here. In the US, I only find that among select people but it isnt cultural. In the US, thinking as an individual and against the "media accepted view" is demonized and they weaponize how someone is "supposed to think" or not think, which closes down free thinking and advancement. I think it is a sign of maturity to discuss with civility and be informed, in DK if someone had a temper tantrum and called someone an idiot for disagreeing, people would think the one who lost their temper was mentally ill, immature and badly mannered. It is culturally frowned upon.

Education is designed to test executive function, not intelligence and it is not designed for deep learning. It is designed to skim the top and push forward quickly.

The truth is people do not like difference and often times feel fear when there are differences or concepts they cannot understand. I find it to be the same in high

Horse stuff
Back to Friday because I was too far gone to write.

Kinda funny to translate chiropractors notes, very large full blood (what they call thoroughbreds here), well muscled, friendly and good to work with. Commented on his muscle type and we talked about more exercises to help with tension. She said, he's always going to carry tension but here are some additional exercises. She said right hind ham string is very tight and groin area, I shared with her about osteopath findings, biomechanical findings, vet finds and his whole medical history because she was being thorough.

Also showed her the extreme reactions on video to explain his behavior and see if there is physical root. She thinks he has a lot of psychological and emotional baggage from the racetrack and that he has been over pressured in life so much that he discovered extreme coping mechanisms. And how more layers can come out with training progression.

He was in her pockets and checking everything. He's a very curious kid. Put him on the lunge and he's offering spanish walk and passage and Im just laughing. Wasnt asking but when we have observers Wonder pulls out his tricks and is like look what I can do! Am I cool? Does this make you happy? When he warmed up on the lunge she said she can tell, he's one you need to warm up slowly and not push forward.

My chiropractor actually rides GP dressage but doesnt compete. We always have great talks about anything and everything. We exchange progress videos and tips, ideas. He likes Wonder, said youd never know he's a full blood. The talent for collection is impressive, that's going to be a very fine GP horse.

Short of Wonder from the other day before chiro, can see too quick off right hind but vet thinks it is from his rib and not lameness or from his suspensory. If it is still there then we'll do a lameness exam. Also can see his left shoulder is stuck because he struggles to come out with it. Can see in the movement of his left shoulder and neck.






I want to clarify that I do not believe there is one right way and I do not care whether someone trail rides, does endurance, western gaming, or whatever discipline they choose. I think this world be terribly boring if we were all the same and made the same choices. I also do not think all horses belong in the same place, they all have different talents, strengths and weaknesses.

Picture day. For the record, simply because I smile and look "well" does not mean that I am. I am good at masking. I say this as a message to keep an eye on your "happy and well" friends, it doesnt mean they actually are. Wonder was SO good about all of this, I was really proud of him. And the reason he is brown is because I put him under a UV heat lamp to tend to his muscles. I'd rather he have relaxed healthy muscles than be black, though preferably both lol.

Wonder is a big Mama's boy, he can be very cuddly, in your pocket and so so sweet. Then other times he wants no cuddles or affection. Bit like a cat that way. And one of eye make up, I did pink eye shadows with some brown and darker pinks in the crease then some champagne colors towards the center and brow. I love color and makeup is my only artistic thing I do. Expression is meant to be more comedic and ridiculous.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Spoke with my mentor, that was extremely helpful about better models for building scientific papers and reading them. It was very useful and thorough. A lot on how to structure and organize more effectively and in general tackle life problems to avoid being overwhelmed by the volume of work.

A part of my depression (and this is something John and I used to talk about) is that at heart I am an idealist, altruistic sort of person who has come to terms with the fact people dont mean what they say. I hurt myself when I get my hopes up or get excited about people thinking they actually care about me, not realizing that maybe they meant it in the moment but not after. As an autist, I tend to say what I mean and mean what I say. Especially in regard to how I feel and care about others. I'm realizing more and more now that most people aren't like that. I care about you today, doesnt mean they will tomorrow. People's words are often nothing more than words. I've been so hurt and disappointed by people in general that I have a default expectation that people will let me down and hurt me. That their words will fall empty and my moment of excitement will be met with disappointment and a reminder of reality. Even when people tell me they care about me and show me in how thoughtful and caring they are, I still second guess and am full of doubt. I don't trust people, they might mean something when they say it and then not mean it shortly after. I dont get that.

Simple example of I mean what I say, there isn't an inbetween the lines of false politeness to it. A friend sent me a picture of herself in a hoody and she was saying how awful she looked and I said, no you look tired and not bad. She said, oh so aka awful. And I said no, if you looked awful I would tell you and you know that. She said true. So when I say you look tired, I mean you look tired and shouldn't be so hard on yourself. I let people know where they stand with me, my words match my actions and meaning.

I'm a fairly guarded person, so when I let someone in they have the ability to hurt me. If people don't break that barrier then I dont really care but under the barrier, I feel deeply and care way way too much. It's something I wish I didn't do because it hurts me. I feel compassion and empathy so deeply that is causes me physical pain, I hate it. Like right now, I am nauseous from emotional pain, worry and doubt. There is a lot of pain inside of me and sometimes it wears heavy. These are the moments where I really feel the effects of all the baggage and trauma. It never really goes away. There is a kind of emptiness in it but I dont think it is a bad thing to process and reflect.

Deep down I am still a romantic. I think that is something I am most ashamed of. Deep down, I still want that deep soul connection with someone who really cares about me. Someone in my career field and has a different set of skills but can talk about philosophy, the mind and a variety of things at the academic level. Offer different perspective and challenge me, someone always growing themselves. And has a good heart, emotionally balanced and well adjusted. Passionate, ambitious and interested in a lot of things. Maybe it wont happen for me but I can hope.

I also had a discussion with a classmate (my study is of the human mind and thinking up new creative ways to apply anecdotal through the scientific method and discover better methodology) about how the brain changes. I can say right now, I think a really critical thing that changed me was my mental breakdown and suicide attempt a few years ago. That really changed something fundamentally inside of me. I used to be someone who had a lot to prove and I'd push myself past my limits and just push and push trying to overcompensate for my deficits. Trying to do it all. That led to a mental breakdown and I tried to take my life, so realized I can't do that anymore. It made me very aware of my limits. Another thing that really did harm to me is repeat concussions (Ive had 3) and SSRI medication. I CANNOT be on an SSRI, that was a significant factor in my attempt. When I hit the critical point, I didnt have the ability to stop. I wonder if John's medication had an effect. And that really did some damage to my brain, my brain is not the same after 2 years on that. It impacted my working memory and ADHD. I am NOT anti medication, however it isn't the miracle cure people think and you have to weigh the pros and cons and decide if the benefit outweighs the risks.

HORSES

Yesterday I turned out horses, mucked 5 boxes, filled waterers, swept, made Wonder's grain and mash, and brought horses in all in 2hrs.

I brought him in last, he only waited about a minute. He's usually good about waiting. I wont go in and get him because when he's like that, he kicks. I need to ride him tomorrow. So I think I'll get up early and go out, else I wont have time because classes run too late tomorrow.





Today Wonder was quite tight in his body, especially the groin. That is to be expected, he hasnt been ridden in about 5 days. He has a lot of physical issues, so it is actually harmful for him to have a lot of time off. And yes this is something I've discussed with biomechanics experts and vets who say they same thing. He has scar tissue, so part of keeping him elastic, supple and keeping him "sound" is regular work and movement. It is also a key factor in maintaining the suppleness in his muscles and keeping him elastic. He will always have scar tissue in his right hind and both front legs which reduces elasticity. So it is something that cannot be pushed, it is understanding the limits of the day. He also has scar tissue in his groin and that is part of why we always have to keep on top of that. Right abdomen was quite tight today, we did some releases on that but I hope it wont be this tight as he gets back to work,

The elasticity in his tendons isnt the same in this cold, so our work is quite light and basic. I dont let him push forward or do any extensions. I am still addressing a lot of physical issues with Wonder. The emotional, psychological issues are a lot less than it was but it is still a factor in our work program.

Todays work was a lot of turn on the forehand, turn on haunches, leg yield, shoulder in and haunches in to supple his body and help get him through. Just walk and trot, no canter. Something I have to do as well is keep my right seat bone up off his back and keep more weight in my heel and off of his back to help him up. I can say with him there are a lot of details in seat and position that will cause problems, example the rider has to have open thighs, he listens to thigh pressure. So someone who grips with their thighs really blocks him from coming through or up in his back at all. Have to be so mindful of position, he doesnt push off the same left vs right hind and he needs that energy guided between his shoulders. It's a lot of guiding his body under the rider's body and making him follow the rider's position. He wont on his own. He is very tricky to ride, it's a lot of small details that make a big difference. 

A lot of working with him is addressing and working through physical issues as well as progression. How to get it better, not perfect but better day to day. All progress stops when you aim for perfect. With Wonder I go step by step, asking that he responds better, has a better reaction and uses himself better. I do not expect it to be perfect or all at once but that there is progress. I think that is more important.

But that is the difference between training and develop and riding, I think for me. I dont focus on just riding through or just doing it. It's about addressing the pieces step by step and then the whole.

Whenever you ask something from Wonder, you have to really know what you're feeling for and expecting to feel at the end of it. And then when you get that feeling return to neutral. It is a lot of that, a lot of re-training the muscle memory and getting the release vs just riding through.

Part of why I post is to take weight off of Wonder's back and create freedom. That is the purpose of posting vs sitting. Wonder has problems in his groin muscles, this is something we address a lot with all these different experts. With the training, physio and muscle work. This is why he had surgery at that site and has had a lot of muscular and osteo work as well. It is a core problem and it takes regular muscle work, daily stretches, and exercise.

I ride with the effect in mind. And think of gradual progress to the goal.

I pair the source problem physical or mental and address how to address and I dont care how "ugly" it is because Im addressing the core issue, rather than glossing past the surface to pose on top and set a head or position. I can see a distinct difference between when someone sets the surface vs can ride deep, is effective and actually has real skill. It's very obvious in the details and I think to most people becomes obvious in the line of progression. I dont look at the now, I look at the line of progress.

I think the more experienced you become and the more you learn, the more you really appreciate the details.

OBSERVATIONS AND RECENT DISCUSSIONS

Discussed with my group today. It blows my brain how the most judgmental people tend to have the most superficial observations and lacking in general knowledge and awareness people have that they don't address the source. They focus on the surface or symptom but not the source. That's part of how I know who actually knows their stuff and who just thinks they do. The things people address and what they focus on. When people only address or talk about the surface, it tells me how unaware and lacking in experience and knowledge they are. Because if they knew something they'd look at the source, not the symptom. If someone has a good eye, they address the source and not the symptom. Someone with a good eye who knows something also understands how things progress in different horses and can distinguish

In class we also discussed something called the equality bias, which is connected to the dunning kruger effect. It is the assumption people tend to make of thinking people know about the same level as they do, regardless of whether they know more or less. I think it is because people are only capable of knowing what they know and are not aware of how much they do not know. I often find ignorant people tend to criticize the most and have the most to say about others

Another thing I have observed is people who are happy in themselves and confident tend to boost others up and are encouraging. People who are easily intimidated by others and insecure tend to tear others down and constantly seek fault in others as a way to boost themselves up. They haven't figured out that depreciating others will never make them better. I avoid people who look to put others down or gain pleasure from putting others down, it tells me a lot about who they are as a person. and it's interesting, the people I see who do this are usually mediocre at best. It isnt the capable, talented ones - they're the ones who look to boost and appreciate, not tear down.

I'm not a particularly jealous or insecure person, I mean I have my insecurities but I dont make that anybody's problem but my own. If I see someone do well, it doesn't threaten my sense of self worth or adequacy. I'm more focused on myself, my journey and growing as a whole. I'm happy to see other people's success or happiness, that makes me happy.

I am who I am and I am done apologizing or feeling like I should depreciate myself for the sake of others. People who ask you to be less or put yourself down to be around are toxic. If Im around someone who makes me feel like I need to put myself down to be around, I watch my back. When people expect you to self depreciate, what they are really meaning is, I'm insecure and Im making that your problem, rather than addressing the parts within themselves that are threatened.

The point of all this is, I'm mindful of who I surround myself with or let into my life. A person's essence rubs off onto us by association, it is actually something we study in cognitive science. To what extent do people synchronize and how long does it take?

Beautiful cover


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## DanteDressageNerd

Just basic work with Wonder today.

I'm not riding "pretty" I'm really focused on getting him to come up through the abdomen, release tension and come long in the neck and chest. Reaching down and outward. He can still get "snatchy" however it is not a habit.

I'm using the exercise to shape his body around my weight and position. Asking Wonder to come up through the abdomen and release his body. Looking the exercise to do the work, while I mold him around my position and under my body, then use timing in his foot falls to help organize and balance. A lot of moving the shoulders over and helping guide the hind leg through. So often on Wonder it is a bit like riding shoulder in right, guiding haunches from fall out and left like riding haunches fore keeping haunches in line with the body. He is quite tricky and unconventional to ride in a lot of ways but I enjoy it. I've learned a lot from him.






This is what Wonder looks like from the top. I also sometimes test in walk and ride one handed to do pirouettes, leg yield, half pass, shoulder in and haunches in. Today wasn't that kind of a day, it was more about basic exercises and correct response to aids and changing how he uses his body. Wonder has been a very interesting project for me, I've learned a lot.

When I pat him or give a rein, it has nothing to do with "testing self carriage", it is about asking him to reach into the contact and come longer in the neck and through the chest and up in the abdomen without running. Can still see he is tight in the right abdomen which effects his back, hip and stifle movement. This is why we're just doing this kind of work, a lot of our program is about addressing Wonder's physical problems. ATM he should work enough so as to release and relax in the body but not too much that it is taxing. Wonder is a horse with a lot of physical baggage, we have periods where we are just doing physio or "physical therapy" type work. It is also why we likely will not show, I have a high maintenance horse that is it like balancing on the head of a pin to keep "sound." And truthfully I don't have the money for it, it costs a lot to keep Wonder healthy forget the extras. I need to be able to eat.

Part of what enables me to work with a horse like Wonder is I have worked rehab alongside vets on a number of horses and been through it. There are a lot of "tricks" you learn in rehab to mask what we call mechanical lameness (A shortness in a horse due to scar tissue) and not pain. There is a lot you learn when you get used to riding horses with physical problems and how to ride through it and compensate and also how to read their body and what kind of day it is. That is part of why I like muscle work and do massage as well, is to I can read the body and understand what is going on or why the theory does not apply, etc.

I'm not trying to maximize his quality of gaits or ride him up or any of that, it is just more about releasing the body. Also why I am sitting more forward is to put my center of weight more forward and put less pressure on the back and hind. I'm not aiming to sit him back. He was calm today, forward thinking but not "hot" it is still mildly amusing to me on days when I think he is so calm and easy. I put someone else on and he turns into a dragon with no brakes and theyre like. I thought you said he was calm...

transitions to walk 3:37 and walk





I actually two point quite a bit when I warm up Wonder, even in walk I try to take as much weight off of his back as possible. Same in laterals. However I am trained in the "British system" so a lot of what we do is how do we sit deep and light at the same time and how can we progress in sitting lighter and lighter on horses back and asking with lighter and lighter and less and less aids. I've also applied quite a bit of french and portuguese classical to Wonder, I have a friend who was trained in it for 5 years in France. So she has helped me with him as well and addressing some issues. She gets it, she's worked rehab as well and knows a lot about changing muscle memory and response using less strength. And also addressing the muscles.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I've mostly been super busy and had a lot going on, so focusing on real life and real people present in my life. University and such.

I wrote this mostly for my own notes, do I expect anyone to read it all the way. Nope.

In general, I like people who are secure in themselves and are curious. I like curious people who ask questions, rather than assume.

I'm riding a 17.1h off the track thoroughbred who raced for 5 years. It still blows my brain the osteopath adjusted his chest and it affected his height. However I can tell the difference when I try to get on bareback ****. I need to be more agile.

There is a method to the "madness" Wonder is not a conventional horse, nor will he ever be so approaching him whether it is on the ground, in hand or undersaddle is not like a normal horse. The conventional answer often does not work. Also why I have a hard time finding a trainer who can work with him and who doesn't cost beyond my budget. I am very serious when I say I still need to be able to eat and some kind of savings would be nice. I eat like eggs and oatmeal, some chicken and vegetables. Sometimes donuts and chocolate because I love sweets.

I am quite serious when I say I've seen FEI riders unable to steer or get Wonder on the bit at all. It takes a certain kind of rider with a certain skill set and quite frankly most trainers don't have that, even here in Denmark where the riders and trainers are much better. And saying that, I am not better than those riders. It is simply a different skill set and I need someone with that skillset. You cannot make Wonder do anything and if you get on with an attitude of proving something, he will make it very clear that you're not his boss. Mental attitude and energy matter a lot with Wonder, why I approach Wonder with a playful mentality and laugh when I ride him. Over correcting or nit picking at Wonder is a very bad idea. Really have to pick your battles.

There is a reason I ride transitions more down on Wonder, my goal is to get him to soften into a transition vs stiffen and tighten. Letting a horse down is to promote softness and bring the back up. My corrections needs to be careful (you will also see when I correct or try to adjust him he gets quite mad). So when I address this, I find softer corrections using the exercise and my position to adjust is a better way with him. Wonder doesn't like being told what to do or "criticized" he takes it personally. So he talks back quite a bit in a ride and I have a sense of humor, so I'm like well that was an interesting response. I had a moment where I halted him and he wanted to go, so I made him halt again and he stomped his hoof dramatically and I was like oh really? You have an opinion, do tell.

Collection is relatively easy for him, however there is a risk of bringing in too much tension (Why I ride low and post a lot). I want to free his back and keep roundnes, riding too "up" all the time creates a tight, hollow back. Wonder can collect very well but this sort of work is hard for him and I want to promote more freedom and elasticity. Sitting too much creates a fixed, rigid back and focusing on bringing. You will also see an issue in right hind through turns, in video there is a reason I do not over correct the lean. The issue comes from a right hind things and I address it more in this is how to change it over time because I promise if you have an attitude on Wonder of well I'm a great rider and I know what I'm doing and he should just do what I ask and take it out on him. Wonder will fight you and challenge you over every aid. It takes a lot of tact and knowing how to pick your battles to work with him.

In the canter I am also doing more on getting step through the body, I know I can lift him but I want him to step through his body and STAY WITH MY SEAT. Wonder's thing is to use his power and speed to over come the rider and IT HURTS, it feels like whip lash in the canter sometimes. I often want to throw up after riding his canter, the power he has in his hind end is unreal and the amount of organization you have to do to keep him WITH the seat is crazy. A friend of mine is on the Danish national team and a fabulous rider was shocked when she rode his canter. She said he is by far the most powerful horse she's ever sat on. It's pretty insane how powerful he is, would have to feel it to get it. He is so strong.

The reason Wonder learned half steps/passage is quite honestly to teach him how to trot and keep rhythm and make the aids clear in sequeance of footfalls. Mads (who wont travel anymore) also said, a horse like this needs piaffe/passage to trot. If you don't understand what that means, you haven't encountered a horse like this before. Another reason is most international caliber trainers introduce the concepts early. That is something I was taught to do and train it, though in wbs it is much easier and more natural, especially if they have a natural suspended motion in their step because what you do is ride that suspension and exaggerate it between seat, leg and half halts. With Wonder I have to totally create it and mange each foot fall. It is very difficult.

There are many things that can always be better but you can't change it all at once. You have to choose what is more important in the training in the moment and how to work towards the end goal. I find people who think you magically sit right and wave a wand and it all works perfectly are very naive and inexperienced. I think they're the kind that are still figuring out how to just check the boxes that they don't really know how to move the horse's body or even what I mean by that but they'll think they do.

It also amazes me how little people understand about the movements. The purpose of the movements isnt just to do them, it is how it improves the horse's overall going, understanding of aids and improves communication. It helps for clarity and bodily improvement. As well as makes a more supple, elastic horse.

There are a lot of details that go into riding and working with a horse like Wonder. He will always be prone to rhythm issues, you dont know how much work and communication goes into riding every single stride. I am literally organizing every foot fall, if I make a mistake between the push and half halt there is a hiccup. If I dont ride from the hind leg forward and keep him between his shoulders, I lose the horse. If I dont have spot on timing in my seat, back and organization he takes off. If I'm a breath off, I lose him.

I remember some people saying I should ride Wonder more forward and I was like _face palm_ not a horse you can ride by pushing it into the bridle. I think that is the beginners answer. To someone experienced with different types of horses, that he is a horse that takes organization and not push is obvious. It's a lot of seat control and ability to feel the ribs, shoulder, rise and fall of the hind leg, ribs and move the body. It's organization, you dont add speed ever. The seat is never pushing on something like Wonder. It's a lot of core and seat control. Literally organizing every stride and have to organize the foot falls perfectly. I'll show what happens if I dont do it spot on.

The first one, it'll show the glitch or what happens when my timing and organization isnt spot on. He cracks me up, after the 1st I was going to give him a walk break and he was like okay I'm on it and I was like well ok. You can see me gather my reins and getting myself back together. He cracks me up.






same as above just the end part





Trot work, he was quite on a mission and getting very angry at me when I'd correct him. So I was musing with myself, yes I know you're brilliant and I'm stupid. You know it all and Im just your dumb owner. He sometimes just takes over and it's like well no, that's not ok. He has a very sassy tail with many opinions.





Something I also have to balance and be mindful of, if I "lift him" too much he gets tense. I ride a lot of bringing him up and back then letting him down again to bring back the relaxation and fluidity.

Part of why I do the circles is to actually show his movement. Another is to mold and shape his body. I think you can ride around the edges of the arena all day long and accomplish nothing. Even when I ride a circle, I'm not just riding a circle. It's a lot of details, half halts and organization and movement of details bit by bit to produce a more supple, elastic, adjustable and ridable horse. I look at things in the long term.






I joke he's like riding a stallion-mare. Some things are very marish and other things are very stallion-ish. He cracks me up because he takes it very personally when he is corrected, how dare I have the audacity to tell him he isn't perfect.

Sitting trot






I ride the body first and head and neck 2nd. I am thinking inside rein to outside rein as well as outside leg to inside rein and sending that through the body. I am moving the ribs and shoulders and haunches under my position and organizing the sequence of footfalls.

Some canter, I need to get a new saddle. This one is treeless and slides up Wonder's withers in the canter. He is much better to canter bareback.

some canter

Bareback, can also see where we have a communication error canter to trot. I'm trying to lift him up as well. When he gets tired, he plants.

canter

The purpose of using the curves and bending line is for multiple reason. This is about acceptance and clarity of aids between inside leg and outside rein, accepting the moving of the shoulder and allowing the curve to help mold his body under my position and to follow my position. This also helps with improving the rhythm and helps me organize the sequence of footfalls. It also helps to try to make him more even left to right, because of his injuries her ides quite different left to right - more than what is normal. My goal it to make it more even. He has issues in his right hind and left and right shoulder (but more left than right shoulder). It's a lot of physio.

Boring but a lot of what we do, riding serpentines and circles. To me this is the kind of stuff that shows skills.
Wonder basic trot

It isnt about riding for the biggest most expressive gaits all the time. That lames a horse if youre always riding them maximizing what they can do.

I also read some interesting comments about portuguese horses, someone thought a horse looked lame because it had a rhythm error _face palm_ a rhythm error is not a lame step, I do not get why people get these confused. Portuguese horses, like Wonder need to be organized and ridden spot on every stride. In the portuguese school horses learn piaffe/passage so they can trot and extend. I know when I took a lesson there, they were impressed I could ride an extended trot on a lusitano because most northern europeans cannot. It is a different skill set. You cannot push them through but organize.


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## gottatrot

The fourth and fifth videos were still set to private, so I couldn't see them. 

In the last trot video, you were getting some good rhythm at times. We had some techno music going so I could really see when he was right on with the beat. 

I think I understand about not needing to ride a horse like Wonder forward. Halla had self impulsion, and you did not need to ride her forward, ever. She was "self forward." What you had to do was manage the energy and direct her body. Versus a horse like the TB Nickel, who appeared forward but not with energy from the hind end. He was not using his body, and you had to push him in order to keep him working back to front. I've also ridden horses that felt off at times, but they were either not using part of their body strongly or else they were trying to break gait every several steps, so this made them appear lame.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Okay, I can change that and thank you. It is not perfect, there is plenty to improve on but it has improved a lot. Bit by bit, step by step. lol techno can be good to compare beat with, though for some reason I'm sensitive to techno, it triggers my sensory issues and I'm like omg nope. Cant do it.

And yes I think so, Halla had her own motor and would willing go on her own without any kind of ask. And when asked to half halt, maybe would rather run through it then yield to it. I should say there is a moment to push Wonder forward and that is to push him through his body and help his body become one line instead of parts but you have to have the parts organized before you can send it through and then have to rely on what I call "jelly beans" the core, lower back and leg to regulate. It's really hard to explain, maybe if I sit down and really think on it between what I'm feeling and how I have to ride it because it's a lot of different steps.

Nickel sounds like one who you have to keep in front of your leg or he gets nervous and spooks and maybe is in his head too much. I've ridden a few wb mares like that, they were fine as long as they were forward and the focus was kept. The behavioral problems started when they got behind the leg and lost confidence. They really needed to be led.

And exactly on the rhythm error. I think with PRE, lusitano and Wonder. From a riding stand point, exactly. And horses I've seen take lame steps based on the saddle placed on their back or having a problems in the back. Or as you said, odd transition or breaking gait or rein lameness. With Wonder or a PRE or lusitano it isnt' rein lameness it's a rhythm error and very tricky to organize and work through. A lot of factors into an off step. But I think there is a clear difference between what is a rhythm error vs lameness.

Portuguese horses, you'll see it in the extensions. It isn't a lame step, it's the same thing as Wonder it's a rhythm thing and how to approach it is the same. It's a really hard thing to ride through, develop and correct. It is always there and takes perfect organization. So my sympathies to the rider. If I remember correctly this rider trains with Carl Hester in the UK. He has a few Portuguese students.






I actually LOVE riding lusitano, they are SPICY and super sensitive, quick reacting, agile, very smart and lots of try. But Ive ridden bull-line ones. PRE are different, they might look similar but I think they ride quite differently. I prefer the lusitano.

I changed them so they are now public





I've never encountered a thoroughbred like Wonder. I think of thoroughbreds as usually quite straight forward, they can be anxious, over think and over try but they're usually pretty straight forward, conventional and honest and they aren't strong and they take direction well. Wonder has his own mind and is incredibly strong, some wbs can be very strong but they usually dont have such an independent brain or determination to push through. For the trot Wonder rides a lot like a lusitano but with power. He really has a mind of his own. He will try his heart out for you, if you get him on your side but he still has his things and I have to figure out more tactful and better ways

Today. We mostly kept it easy and light and went for a hack, so not too exciting. I don't like bareback as much because I can't get off of his back and posting bareback and getting a light controlled post and also balancing everything is just really hard.

walk pirouette. These could be much better.

I will choose a wide but active pirouette with the right bend over one that is tight. In the training- train to make it better with correct body mechanics. In the show ring you focus on the pivot and ride what is there. Training - how to make each movement better and focus on improving the mechanics and components. In the show ring, it's riding what you have.






More collected work, first goal is bringing the hind end more under his body and improving cadence and these are more half step. I asked for him to be "on the spot" which is very hard, so I ask for one step or two and let him go.





Fields are finally dry enough to cool down on the fields, we did do some gallop sets bareback on the hills. Wonder LOVED it! He was so happy! He is so much more ridable and adjustable now. Even a gallop, it feels more like rating an eventer vs grit down and hit the fly racehorse.




Wonder in fields

In general dressage to watch. I think it is good to watch different riders on different horses and watch all the way through when there is time. In general I'm pretty sympathetic when I watch other riders ride through different challenges. I think if you're not the one seated on there, riding through that moment then you dont really know what is going on. Show the rider respect. I appreciate the riding more as I learn more, I think people focus too much on what isnt perfect and I think it's best to look at what can improve but also what each horse and rider do well. No one is perfect.

I really like these because the commentary is very good, they are fair but honest.

RE-LIVE | FEI Dressage Nations Cup - Grand Prix Freestyle | Hickstead

RE-LIVE | FEI Dressage Nations Cup - Grand Prix | Hickstead

RE-LIVE | FEI Dressage Nations Cup - Grand Prix Special | Hickstead


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## DanteDressageNerd

In general, I focus on the day to day. Wonder is a lot more supple, elastic and soft than he used to be and also a lot lighter in the bridle. He's really light in the bridle. He is quite stiff in the ribs which I've been told is common in thoroughbreds because they're bred to be straight, so they keep their gallop with less wind resistance. So using bends and laterals are quite important, as well as lots of riding low. He is built very up with a tendency towards tension, so letting that down and getting the release of the body is very important.

Something else tricky with Wonder is he is an overachiever and out doer, he tries his heart out. He tries everything at once, so aids and expectations have to be crystal clear. He is very sensitive and reactive. He's very hot but that's what I like to ride.

Wonder from today. Im super excited with the progress we've made together. He was SO good, he was still quite hot and very sensitive. He has become really really sensitive which is awesome because that's what I like to ride and he tells me if I'm not sat right or if I don't cue him right. I'm so excited, he really rode like an upper level horse.

Canter work from today, counter canter transition was intentional. First change I could have organized that better. and I stopped at the end because he was anticipating a change and not really listening.





Spanish Walk with Wonder, Wonder also does levade but I do not school it very often.






Half passes with Wonder, little rhythm error in the corner






Wonder spook, kinda funny. The cat was in the polls and moved, you can see him in the video too if you look. No blame for anyone, just happened and poor Wonder. He was very upset. Quite startled, poor guy.






This one can see too strong first one, fell on forehand leaned left. That's part of why in the corner I corrected him and asked him to come back. Back into collection, pushing from the hind then set him up for an extended trot 2nd line. I changed the angle so it would be easier to view. Canter was not prompted, I didn't ask for that but I didnt shut him down either because he was being so good. He tries so freaking hard.





half pass

The picture is of Wonder doing a levade which is NOT a rear. A rear is a disobedience or act against, a levade is asking the horse to sit and lift balancing on the haunches.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Not too much to update, mostly been very busy with classes and keeping up on readings and critical thinking. Problem solving and planning my exam project.

The exam project I'm planning is about sexism (the real kind, not people looking for pebbles to turn over) and the social environment. I'm not going to write a lot on that because it's fairly adult. And I believe the rating is meant to be PG.

Still haven't found someone to help with Wonder. That's been frustrating. Asked a few friends who know Wonder (a GP rider, another friend on the national team, and some other people) but they didn't know of any trainers they thought could work with Wonder. They know him. if I had a normal horse, this wouldn't be an issue but Wonder is different. It takes a certain kind of person. I wish he wasnt so different, it would make life a lot easier and it'd open a lot of doors but it is what it is. There are some things that don't really change.

Wonder has been very good and really sweet. It is amazing to me how much he has changed. He used to be quite an angry, violent horse and now he's still quirky. He still acts on his own accord but he's much more at peace. Yesterday he just rested his head in my arms and closed his eyes while I held him. It was a really nice moment where we both felt at peace and comfort in each other. He makes the world better for me.

This is from August or September, so Wonder is very sun bleached. I like dark bay but sun bleached black is really an ugly colour lol. A softer side of Wonder. Meeting a rabbit. He is a very kind hearted horse. He has a good soul, he loves other animals. I appreciate that about him. As well as how brave he is and mindful of his environment.





I killed a mouse today, I actually felt really horrible doing it but it was hurt and Magnus had been torturing it. I still feel bad about it. I tried to make it as quick as possible, I dont like seeing anything suffer unnecessarily. There is enough suffering in the world.

Life in general. Dealing with trauma and people letting me down. I wrote this more for myself. I don't actually care what most people think. I'm used to people being judgmental, rude, condescending jerks, so I learned to just not care. Life is better that way.

I'm used to doing things on my own, I'm used to pulling away from people or pushing them away because I dont know how to rely on anyone. I dont actually trust anybody, not really. Another reason is I don't like to get attached or be in a position of needing someone and they bail or let me down. I ALWAYS expect people to let me down or hurt me, so in general I'm pretty numb and indifferent towards most people. Im still friendly, considerate and compassionate but largely indifferent in terms of where someone is in my life. If people want to be there, they will else they don't make an effort. And then I stop trying and then I stop caring. I refuse to put effort into people who don't give back. I don't have it in me anymore to keep giving where it isnt reciprocated.

I have a close circle of people I am attached to but the rest I pretty much expect people to come and go and not to get too attached or care too much. I still get disappointed or sad but I get over it and move on. It's a confirmation bias when people let me down, I expect it so my reaction is like, yeah that's how it goes. And that makes me sad because I know the moment I depend on someone and really need them to be there for me, they wont show up and it'll be me to pick up the pieces. It'll be me who has to pick myself up alone and I'm so tired of it. You get tired of being strong, of being independent, of being the back bone. To yourself you keep saying, I'm used to it. I'm used to it then you crack. And then again you're used to it and that's just how life goes. You dont get everything you want and I think you get to a point of realizing, nobody is going to be there when you actually need them. So get used to it.

What triggered it is I had a discussion with some people (discussion in cognitive science) and they commented on how strong a person I am and I talked a bit about life and they were like woah. How do you survive that? And I shrugged and said, you just do and then you condition yourself to accept it as a new normal. And yeah I'm a very strong person, yeah I'm independent but when is it enough? And it's so pathetic but I really just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. And I saw a meme about how often times those who need the most, try to show everyone else the love they wish someone would show them and that is so f-ing true. I'm the person who will build people up and fight for them and really mean it because I really care but then I don't think anyone, even myself realizes how much I can't do it alone but that's what I have to do. And that's why I'm strong, I keep going with tears in my eyes, pain in my soul and I keep going. And I show a mask of smiles, moral support, and kindness while inside I'm riddled with self doubt and pain.

And I have some really good friends and a good family, I dont discount them but I expect to walk through life alone. I dont put myself in a position to depend on anybody. And that makes me sad because I really don't want to have to do everything alone. Sometimes I really need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. And whenever I need that, I have to do it for myself. I have friends and such but people have their own lives, I can't expect them to drop things for you. So I pretend everything is ok.

Sometimes I still wonder why I'm not enough, why nothing I do is ever enough. I also look back on my life and I wonder what brought me to this point? Then sometimes the trauma stuff comes back and that's a pain. Trauma is weird and again I mean the real traumatic experiences that change you as a person. Your relationship with yourself, others and how you perceive the world. I dont really trust life, I trust situations to go bottom up and blow up in my face in a horrible way. I've had so many situations like that and you just stop expecting things to go right, you hope for like a minute and then you're like oh right, it's me. And I think in real life why I show the level of kindness and compassion I do is because I wish someone would do the same for me.

Then I feel guilty because I keep informed in what goes on in other countries and to other people and then it is kinda a spiral of needing to just toughen up and get it together and also of, well you gotta feel what you feel or the mental illness will take over and escalate it. It's my burden, no one elses but writing is therapeutic. I only got me to take care of me.

Someone said to me once, you're always taking care of everyone else. Who takes care of you? And I said, me. I do that. Aint nobody else going to do it.

My 30th birthday is next week and I keep wondering when will it be my turn? And maybe it'll never be my turn and I need to stop hoping that one day it might be. I think that's what I need to do. And it kinda makes me sad because on one hand I feel everything so deeply and I really hope for certain things, and on the other side I know those are just fantasies that will never be my reality. So Im in the process of making myself numb. I'm tired of being disheartened every time I feel a gram of hope. It's like a cold slap with reality and to remember your place. 

I just find these funny. In real life, I'm generally the person cracking jokes and making people feel better or being supportive.


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## knightrider

I put this quote above the door of my classroom to remind myself to put myself out especially for these kinds of kids (and there are plenty of them)

"Children who say they don't care actually care too much." My heart goes out to those dear children who actually care so much, have been so wounded, and pretend they don't really care. It reminds me that they need extra time, love, and care. Thanks for your thoughtful insightful journal! I love it.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- thank you. I appreciate it  I have no doubts you are a very excellent teacher and your students greatly appreciate you. There is truth to that and I think children can be "loved" back to a more positive mental outlook but I can also say, as adults when we stop caring we really stop caring. I can care deeply about someone but if they do something really bad, I can feel utterly indifferent quite quickly. I'm not really a "hateful" person, I just become indifferent or I'll cut people out. When I reach that point, I care more about a stranger. I don't want anyone to end up like me. I had a friend tell me they wanted to be like me and I said, woah I'm a cautionary tale not an example.

Trauma is very strange in how it rewire the brain, in terms of attachment, caring and feeling. It changes how you see yourself, the world, and others. I think it gives you greater perspective but I also think one has to be careful not to be consumed by trauma or assume all people are toxic or abusive.

I think those who were born sensitive and tender hearted have to be very careful. I think the key is to be balanced, recognize the cruelty and suffering of the world but also recognize that isn't the only thing. There is love and there are good people in this world but it can be tricky to figure out who is who. I've found the most toxic, damaging and destructive people I've ever met do a darn good presentation of being "humble" "modest" "thoughtful" and kind. They are anything but and you see the reality in how they talk about other people and what they do behind closed doors. For me I keep away from those people. I really watch how people behave when they think no one is watching.

I'm also someone who if I reach out to someone and they aren't responsive, I will stop trying. And I can stop caring over night. I think people who have been hurt deeply enough and often enough can develop a mechanism of choosing when to care or not care. I care very deeply but when I shut it off, I become utterly indifferent. If I'm deeply hurt, I am also able to shut off my emotions like a light switch. However, I do not do it because in that mental state I dont feel empathy or genuine compassion. It's a choice, it's like a switch in your brain when your pain threshold is met. I think that is one of the strange and scary things trauma can teach a person to do, compartmentalize emotions and feelings. It's a complicated process and how a person copes with trauma is pretty individualistic from what I've seen.

At heart I am a romantic with a sensitive heart and deep soul. To be that means having to harden up and only exposing that heart to those worthy of it.

You learn to stop needing reassurance, encouragement or validation. You realize it isnt real and you won't get it, so you have to motivate yourself without any kind of emotional expectation from others. You know people don't actually care, so you don't expect it. Some people are nice or polite but most people in my experience are fake as f- they say a lot of nonsense they don't actually mean. They do it because they think that's what they're supposed to do to "look like" a good person. People say an awful lot they don't actually mean and that I think is what hurts for people like me, as well as the children. I try to say what I mean and mean what I say, I dont make empty promises (or try not to) if I say I care, I really care and I'll be there even when it isnt easy.

For people with a history of trauma caring is complicated, I really don't care in a lot of ways. I think you get to a point where you've been hurt often enough and badly enough that you become numb and indifferent to things that don't matter. For example I really don't care what most people think or do. I don't value or respect them, so why would I care? But when I let someone into my life and take them into myself, I care immensely and will move mountains for that person.

I'm a very real person, quite genuine, honest, loyal and I try to be straight forward which are supposed to be good traits but I find they're traits that get you punished. People can only meet you as authentically as they have met themselves. They can only understand to the depth of what they do and honestly most people haven't plunged that deeply, so generally it's a very lonely existence.

It also makes me think about John. I don't know if premeditated taking his life and he just didnt want anyone to stop him or if he felt that no one was there to help him in those final moments. If he pulled away from everyone thinking we wouldn't be there. And I just don't know. I wish I could talk to him, he understood these feelings and I miss hearing his perspectives and insights and hearing how he is doing and what crazy adventure he'd been on during a manic phase lol. He had the best stories.

I'm thinking quite a bit about my project and also an observation of how women reinforce sexism. There is no win, darned if you do, darned if you don't. Also about stereotypes and biases. The class is social dynamics and interactions.

WONDER STUFF

Wonder and I are just doing light-basic work this week. I mean yes we'll do some half passes, a few changes, etc but for the most part we do a lot of basic work. Nothing exciting. I ride him level quite a lot to keep him flowing through his body. I'd like to hack out but the weather has not been agreeable. The ground is wet and muddy and Wonder does not have studs (nor am I paying for studs to be put on his shoes). I spend enough on shoes, he has special french aluminum suspensory support hind shoes. Those arent cheap. He cannot go barefoot. He has tendon injuries in both fronts and the right hind. Also why I use a world class farrier, his feet have to be done correctly or he goes lame. If he doesn't have the special shoes the mechanical lameness appears again. Mechanical lameness is due to scar tissue which reduces the elasticity of the tendon and creates shortness, not pain. Also why he needs consistent work and movement is to keep elasticity.

Some from today, just basic work. Nothing exciting. May or may not see it, I'm actually riding my butt off. It's a lot about getting him to follow my body and position to step through his body and to the bridle and let go, staying with my seat, moving off the aids. It's step by step improving, still a long way to go but bit by bit. Why I wear a spur is for refinement. I often dont use the spur but I like having it and I like the length because if I want to use it a touch, I dont have to move my leg much. A short spur means more leg movement which annoys Wonder, so longer is better. I like a spur for if I need it because he will still push into the pressure when he doesn't want to and I'm like, if I put my position this way or touch you with my knee you need to move from the ribs and shoulder. It's a lot of aids and details on top of each other with releases. You have to know exactly what you want to feel and direct him towards that, then leave him alone.

I taught a friend (who is a capable, talented rider) earlier in the week on him how to create a longer trot and told her you have to create the feeling and create the suspension, otherwise he just jumps up and down in the trot and runs with no length or use of back. It's all about his back and keeping his legs pushing between his shoulders. He doesn't do it naturally. Riding left is totally different from riding right because he has quite a bit of scar tissue (this is normal in horses with former injuries). I've done a lot to make this more even but I think it'll always ride differently. Left it is so important to continue riding the right shoulder, when people ride him the feel is deceptive. They want to over bend to the left and to flex him left but what they have to do is look over the right shoulder to keep their right shoulder and position and use their outside knee and leg to keep his shoulder in line. Then they can use just a touch of position (if it's more than a touch they'll lose his right hind) to bend left BUT they need to make sure as they do they dont let his right hind leg fall out or they lose his body, he inverts and bye-bye steering. To the right it's a lot of moving his right hind over and catching the timing perfectly with the outside rein and getting him to truly bend from the ribs and step through the body and also not letting him fall out through the left hind, which he'll do to avoid bending through the right ribs. IF he isnt stepping through his body he cant trot long, he just trots up and down and runs. When I use leg, it is never to add forward it is all about organization. You NEVER add speed on this horse ever.

Then people have to be really good about contact, can never hold him or he will just grab the bit and bare down and he bares down HARD like can pull your back out. A long time ago he actually tore my core muscles so badly, the next day I was on bed rest because I couldn't breathe when I sat up. And at that time I was riding like 6-7 horses day. You CANNOT hold him or widdle his nose. Widdle and he'll take the bit out of your hand and put his nose to the sky and then steering is gone. If the rider cannot control and manage his body they cannot steer and it's hard to organize his body because he is a freaking train to ride. He is so powerful off of his hind end, it takes alot. If the rider doesn't have seat control he just runs and explodes. In collection it's a lot of how your position your body and use the timing of aids. I think collection is a lot easier to ride on him than length. I wish people could feel his trot and canter, it is pretty wild. Can rag doll almost anyone. It's gotten a lot better and the canter is SO SO much better but you still have to ride every moment and really hold yourself or you'll turn into a rag doll and if you turn into a rag doll he'll pull like a train against you. Takes a lot of physical strength to sit stable and against him. The position needs to be strong to set the limit, he will challenge it.

I was also explaining if you cant get him through do a smaller more collected trot. Where most horses pushing forward gets their back, for Wonder it is collection. So to ride Wonder, someone has to really know how to ride multiple trots and play moving back and forth in different trots. It takes a lot but Wonder responds well to seat control. Also have to really understand contact and how to use it to get him to reach forward into a connection and also not hold against the bit. The difference is a fraction of a moment. Lots of hold for effect and release, also for effect. It's hard to explain.


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## tinyliny

I"m sorry about the loss of your friend to suicide. After reading ALL that your wrote in the last several posts, that is what affected me the most. I know quite a few persons who have experienced that. It is about the most impactful experience in a person's life, except perhaps birth.

On another , more casual note, the photos of you with Wonder are utterly charming.


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## DanteDressageNerd

tinyliny- thank you. And Im sorry to your friends who have lost people in this way as well. I don't think it's something that is easy to accept or come to terms with. It takes a lot to process. I still have bouts of what could I have done differently or maybe it's my fault because I didn't call him that week. Or I dont know, it takes a while to process. Grief comes in waves.

Thank you. Wonder is a happy boy, I think he was happy to have some cuddle time. We don't do photos often.
---

These are my general observations, partially based on what I am learning at university and also projects I am working on. As well as from studies and academic literature I have read about culture, communication, psychology and social behavior. I look at what I observe in reality and how to scientifically analyze it. Then cross reference with other people of different frame of mind to hear their perspective because our own perception should always be called into question. Being in an echo chamber of people with like minds does not promote as much growth, as people with a diverse range of experiences and perspectives. So I often seek diversity because I think that arrives closer to truth. And as a disclaimer nothing I am writing below is in reference to anyone, so if someone takes what I have written personally reflect upon yourself and your projections.

Perception is not reality, it is simply our brain's best guess based on our biases, experiences, and projections. It is also formed by our cultural experiences and how flexible we are at considering the mind sets of other people. Different people think and process differently, making interpretations and perceptions subjective.

As a general rule whenever I read the written word, I try to read it in as neutral and objective a tone as possible. I also believe in evaluating our own biases to question our perceptions of another person's words. If someone's written word irritates me or I find hidden meaning where it is not directly said, I ask where did this assumption come from? People often project their insecurities onto others. 

I don't see anyone as "less than" or "more than." I don't think in those terms. I think of people basically being equal and where they stand in my life depends on their character and whether or not it's a fit. I approach people individually, I don't care about a lot of the petty stuff simply are they decent or kind people or not. However, I find having this kind of mindset threatens some people who are constantly comparing themselves to others to feel adequate or justify their pettiness. I judge a person's character and behavior, not their words. If I think someone is a particularly petty and spiteful person, I cut them out. There is no gain to having a toxic person in your life. Life is too short for that.

Also had a discussion with a close friend today, who is also autistic about how I dont have energy for people I dont like. I put my energy into the people in my life who want to be there and who challenge me to be better. I focus on myself and my goals. I don't have the energy or time to invest in people who aren't for me.

I am also adding to my paper as a part of sexism, cultural and group structures that try to reinforce it. For example confidence in a woman deeply threatens some people and funnily enough I find other women are more threatened by confidence in another woman than men are. And it isn't all women, jealous insecure women who live by reducing the value of others to satisfy their insecurities. They need the shelter of a group to feel adequate because they can't find it on their own, misery loves company.

"A jealous-judgmental person. Jealous people are incredibly toxic because they can’t stand to see others succeed. They tend to either put someone on a pedestal or find fault in whatever someone else does, while overlooking their own and whoever they place on a pedestal. Typically their jealousy comes out as judgment, criticism, or gossip. According to them, everyone else is awful, incorrect, or lacking in some way. They pick apart any minor imperfection in an effort to patch up their insecurities and validate themselves. If someone starts to gossip jealously about other people, watch out, they probably talk about you behind your back too."

I try to describe things as I see them, I also go into detail because that is how I think about information. I also try to be impartial, unless writing about my personal stuff. Emotions can't really be impartial. I try to look at things as is, I'm a realist and quite similar to Data off of Star Trek when in my rational mind, if I am in a heightened state of emotion I can't really regulate my emotions because I don't have the part of my brain that regulates it. I find perception to be an interesting subject. I find it amazing how much interpretation is dependent on the perceiver. 10 people can watch the same event and come out with 10 entirely different interpretations based on their personal experiences, association and what details they choose to fixate on. I also find cultural studies fascinating and try to understand other cultures from their mind set when interpreting texts. If I enter another culture with my assumptions, I will interpret incorrectly so I try to understand the context from within the culture (to what I am capable of). I think that is a more accurate way to perceive others, frame interpretation from the context of where it is spoken from to figure out the intention of the writer/speaker vs the assumptive deduction based on the projection of the perceiver.

I also find it interesting how people can assume implied meaning based on their biases and assumptive deductions (they project their reality onto another). The onus is on the opinion of the interpreter and not the writer. People can interpret a single sentence in many different ways and assume implied meaning without there being any. The interpretation says a lot more about the reader's biases and assumptions, rather than the author's intentions. I think that is something to be mindful of. Or short hand, it is easy to put words into another person's mouth and assume implied meaning that was never stated or meant. It is simply a projection of the reader's biases. You see that a lot in internet debates.

I also realize more and more as I get older and with more education that if I write something that offends someone or they take issue with it, their interpretation says a lot more about them and how they perceive things than it does about me. When I read what someone writes, I try to read it in as neutral a tone as possible and aim to be objective. I think it is very easy to misinterpret the written word and I think that is important to be mindful of when reading people's words.

Of course some people are simply petty, judgmental and shallow. I stay away from those people, my time and energy matter to me and I'd rather spend it satisfying my curiosities or investigating something that interests me. 

I also refuse to self deprecate as a general rule. And I actively avoid people who expect others to actively deprecate themselves. I'm over it. I think people should stand tall and on equal footing, however I recognize in the eyes of most of society, that is seen as arrogance in a woman but I don't care. I've been abused, humiliated, and stolen from by people who used deprecation and insults as a means of control (narcissists). The good qualities and strength in me, they tried to destroy because it affected how they view themselves. I was a threat because I dared to believe in myself and stood for me and I refuse to cater to that kind of toxicity anymore. Other people's jealousy, spite, and vindictiveness is not my responsibility.

I build up the people around me and the people in my life. I want them to stand tall with me, challenge me and speak their truth. I want the people in my life to feel safe being their most authentic self. I think why I have a pretty diverse friend group and OMG I love their bold opinions and outspoken natures. We're all different with different skill sets and backgrounds, it makes me smile when they play devils advocate and I have to work my logic. It's a good challenge.

I'm a realist I dont really care what other people do (within reason). It's just not my business and I'm not that interested. If I see someone living their best life, I'm like hey good for them and go on with my day. Or I see someone take a loss and I'm like hey, it's going to be ok. What people do with their life and the choices they make are theirs and I respect their choice. They are the one in the situation, dealing with whatever it is theyre dealing with so they are the ones best equipped to make the decisions for their life. It baffles me the people who are more nosy and into other people's business than they are their own. I don't have the energy or f- to give for that, I'm just like people do their thing and I do mine.

I don't cater to people who go out of their way to misinterpret and misunderstand. People see and hear what they want to, so why bother? It's a darned if you do, darned if you dont scenario. No matter what you do, someone will complain so might as well live life and enjoy it.

There is almost always more than one methods to arrive to a solution (this applies to almost everything). Even in mathematics, unless the problem is very specific there is more than one way to arrive at the same destination. I can also say from statistics, it is basically very fluffy justifications with hard and fixed rules which is why statistics is so tricky. How do we stay true to reality but also use all of the relevant information to draw conclusions from? And without making our choices too biased.
---
It's my birthday and Im pretty hung over. I drank a lot. Talked to a lot of different friends, I feel super guilty, depression lies. The reality is I have an amazing support group of people who really know me and care deeply about me. A lot of people I served with in the Marine Corps. They got my back, some knew John too and we talked about him. I almost started crying. 

And my Landlords bought me some chocolates and sung happy birthday to me, I was so touched I almost cried. I didn't expect it. That's the kind of stuff that means a lot to me. Just simple acts of genuine compassion and caring, it was so thoughtful. And Magnus has been super sweet and cuddly. He is the best cat! Wonder was very cheeky today. I just let him turn out and he was really a jerk. I was like I'm not in the mood for your impish schoolboy humor today. Didn't ride him today, not in a mental state for Wonder. Need to be all in for that.

Did full hair and makeup and Magnus cuddles, he makes everything better. Then a meme I found funny. Also ate 250mL frozen dessert and filet mignon. I got my favorite salad as well, it has soy sauce on it so not gluten free but birthday treat. I can have an itchy face.


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## DanteDressageNerd

I surround myself with people who are better than me. I think if youre the most accomplished or smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room. I like people who push me, challenge me and make me better. Every single one of my friends are better than me at something and I appreciate that. I pursue growth, I think that is the one constant I actively pursue across the board.

I have a lot of close friends who really value, support and care about me. I thought about it, after my friends kicking my butt and I can name 17 people (not family) who if I needed them, would be there for me or help me through whatever. That is something I need to remember when I feel isolated and lonely.

I roll with the ups and down. I recognize my short comings and actively work to improve them. I look inwardly and say how can I make myself better? And I cross reference with friends who know me personally and have known me a long time to be brutally honest and I work on that too. That's where I put my energy. I generally have the outlook of being forgiving of others and ruthless with myself. I choose to focus on what I can control and improve day by day, brick by brick, I'm patient and work hard so I'll see it through. What I have gained in life is through hard work. Through blood, sweat and tears and I've realized my life will be paved the same way. And that is okay. I've learned to enjoy the journey more than the destination. I'm used to struggling and part of that is because of the choices I have made for the sake of growth. I chose to put myself into situations of continuous growth and continuous struggle. And I will continue to do so.

30th birthday, I had a lovely existential crisis but it was good because I wrote some good jokes. I don't usually share humor here because it wont stay PG - I generally teeter on the edge between class act and shockingly bold and a bit naughty. Can be quite sarcastic, I love banter and word play. I'm also pretty sarcastic.

Also came up with a 5yr plan and my primary objective in life. I have decided, I don't want a family, I thought about it and it's just not something I want - not really. I dont think it has to be a woman's prime goal in life. I think it's a fine goal for people who it suits but that isn't for me. I don't think I'd be happy and I definitely can't see myself as a mother. It's a cage I simply dont desire. I think my career and study will be my main focus. Horses are a hobby for me. I love Wonder, I enjoy him and I enjoy our journey together but horses are not my main focus in life. I have other goals and aspirations.

We mostly hacked, gallop sets and trot sets - and did some trot of him just moving through the body. Light and fun. Not setting him back or asking him to come back. Just asking for reach through the body, keeping him through with abdomen raised working through the body. I'm not riding pretty, I'm not sitting him up like we're going into a show ring. I'm just riding in balance, no pressure.

All I want to do this week is hack out and have fun. I'm taking advantage of it while it lasts. Can do dressage when the weather isn't so fine.

*



*
Little bit one handed






my number 1 priority with Wonder is his willingness and desire to work with me. My primary work has been on Wonder's mind and that isn't something most people will see or appreciate but it's something I appreciate.

Hacking out





Military = eventing in Denmark. I use a lot of the Danish terms because I spend most of my time with Danes. I gained a lot from being an eventer, how to navigate and balance on different terrain and assist the horse/get out of their way. I was actually fairly decent at it, I had good instincts. I think fast and can get myself and horse out of trouble.





I improve bit by bit, day by day and I focus on the journey. People dont have to understand what I'm doing or why, the reason I share is for the people who are interested. In terms of riding, I'll always favor an effective, skilled rider over one who poses well. Effectiveness over aesthetics. Real skill and tact. When I see a rider I look more at their timing, skill and effective use of their aids. I see horse reaction and read the horse. How they address different issues, I dont see just the surface - I see the underlying skill and pattern. It was interesting in perception and action class to have a neuroscience base for why I can see to the level of detail that I do and can adapt and adjust readily to suit the needs of the horse. When I get on a new horse, I figure out what they need and adjust.

The people I go to for feedback have been through the process themselves, so they know what is appropriate at each stage of training and have useful suggestions for improvement. Tips/tricks and ideas. I go to people who really know what they're talking about and dont just focus on the surface but understanding deeply. It isn't that they are all dressage riders, some are just really amazing horsemen who specialize is special cases. I'm grateful for them. When I have questions I go to the experts and people who really know what they're talking about. I don't think it's snobbish, I think it is logical and practical.

I'm not the person who sits around thinking I'm awesome. I'm the person who sits and think how can I do better? I track improvement and note where it should be and then asks, how do I make this better? What are the steps? I approach it realistically, the starting point isn't "perfect" (what is perfect anyway?) I look at where they are in each phase and progress. Then I do the work.


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## DanteDressageNerd

Had some interesting classes this week. Had one about social behavior, economics and international affairs. Some in making statistical choices while reducing bias and perception errors.

One was in perception and action, basically neuroscience of prediction and building accurate models in sports assessment.

One question: what is the difference between being a couch observer to having real experience. Why can't someone gain correct expertise from observing, rather than experiencing? The brain rewires according to specialty. Had a really good discussion with my Professor on this.

Because someone whose models are based on limited experience or observations bases their predictions and assessments on idealizations and idealized scenarios, rather than from real application and predictions based in reality.

Building expertise also depends greatly on the base knowledge and awareness of micro details. How fine is the knowledge and details to be able to perceive what is happening. This can only be gained from experience but it also depends on the kind of experience someone has. Example riding one type of horse or a few in a set type is not the same as riding a very wide variety of horses. Someone who has mostly ridden fairly straight forward horses or a few with some quirks won't have a base model of understanding when they come across something unconventional or who doesn't follow that model of their experience.

Basically the less expertise/experience someone has, the more they base assumptions and models on idealizations rather than real application and understanding. Because people can only compare with what they know and they cannot understand from what they don't. The more expertise you have, the less you base assumptions on idealizations and the more you realize the complexity of the situation.

I LOVED this because in horses you see so many arm chair observers picking apart riders and criticizing things they really don't understand or know what they're looking at in a self superior, disrespectful way. They pick at a symptom and think they have identified the problem with a holier than though attitude and I'm like dude, that's not even close to what is going on. I get tired of the holier than though arrogance and condescending attitude of these people. You see it all over social media and I guess it's pretty universal in sports. It's easy when it isn't you doing it and easy to assume how it should go when you can base models on an ideal, rather than real life. These people are a dime a dozen, there are so many and they think they know more than the actual professionals. Someone who knows something will generally say it's complicated or consider these factors, rather than this is the one and only way it goes and how to address the problem. An expert has a variety of ideas or will say, I don't know - let me think or I'd have to sit on that horse to know. Some horses are easy to figure out from the ground, others are not. And what is viewed can be very deceiving from what is. I think with experience, you become better at recognizing that.

Simple example. It's like people start at E (the end product) and have minimal concept of the steps along the way or what goes into it but assume the trajectory starts at the end or E and don't consider steps A - B - C - D and judge steps A - B - C - D as if they were at E. Vs someone with expertise, considers A - B - C - D and says what is appropriate and good for that step and aren't looking for E until it is appropriate.

I think it goes back to the Dunning-Kruger effect, where the less someone knows, the more they overestimate what they know and the more someone knows, the more they are aware of what they don't know. And the more they can appreciate the efforts of others. The more expertise someone has, the wider variety to base their model on, where as with someone with minimal experience has little comparison for those models. And to me wide variety mean variety of experience, if someone just focuses on say quarter horses or arabs or saddlebreds or particular breeds or types that fit within the same cluster or type - the model will suit what fits that cluster but not outside of it. How you approach a high end warmblood is different from say a PRE or a friesian. And what you expect at steps A - B - C - D to get to E is different and has to fit that type. And the models needs to adjust to fit that individual, rather than expecting the individual to fit the model.

Just as a visual example of clusters of knowledge or a "skill set", say each cluster or circles around data points represents a varied examples of "type" with the individual data points or dots meaning each individual horse. Some horse are an anomaly and you have to blend techniques from different models. However, finding someone who really knows how to work with an anomaly is really difficult. Usually trainers only take on one pattern or "skill set" without having a varied skill set or diversity of experience. If that makes sense. 









Basically the more expertise someone has, the more they appreciate the complexity of the subject and the less they assume and idealize. The more they appreciate the details, the steps along the way and appreciate other people's efforts.

----

Not much to update, mostly been out hacking, researching and coming up with hypothetical experiments and model designs.

I'm always challenging my perception and like well how do I know, I know? What if I'm just assuming based on my own ignorance? Then I research and cross reference with a variety of experts, then I'm like okay I'm on the right track or okay, I'll re-evaluate. I think a part of this is from having been gaslighted earlier in life and in relationships, so I often challenge my perception. Now I am more adept at recognizing it and blocking it out but I still have to do a reality check with close friends from time to time. 

I've learned to increasingly take things less personally or other people's projections as a reflection of me. I've learned other people's projections and assumptions are not my responsibility. If I have a defensive response or something offends me, I ask myself why? I try to put it through a logical filter and isolate what projection or bias I may be inserting or if people are inserting theirs onto me. I think it is important to get closer to objectivity. 

I'm also learning the art of detachment. "Detachment is: experiencing our feelings without allowing them to control us. We step back and look at things objectively. We let go and accept what we cannot change. We detach from other's choices, knowing that their life is theirs to live. We choose how we will act, rather than simply reacting. We step away from harmful behavior. Detachment is a deep breath of peace and patience in response to unexpected anger. We can listen without taking it personally or inserting ourselves. With detachment, we see our mistakes honestly, then make amends and start afresh. Detachment frees us to lead our lives with grace."

Some people see detachment as a form of being "cold" or "selfish." I disagree. I see it as a form of self care.


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## knightrider

I love your posts. I am so glad you are back!


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## whisperbaby22

You can equate that E in many different ways, I'll use the desert winds as an example. I live in an area that gets strong winds from time to time, and other than having to be vigilant for fire, I love these winds. I have never found another person in the entirety of So Cal that does not "hate" these "terrible" winds. 

People tend to equate "normal" weather with what they have experienced during the period of their life. This has caused many problems, here in California for instance, fire is a natural part of nature, and these winds have been here for a long time. 

Well I don't want to wander off my train of thought to far, but without these winds (that blow out all of the smog!) we would not have the natural beauty of California.


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## DanteDressageNerd

knightrider- thank you. I try to write what I learn and think about as I work through it. It helps me figure out how to organize what I've learned and also how to verbalize it. And perhaps it is useful to some people, like yourself who regularly work with neurodivergent people. It is a hard life those kids are about to embark on with little understanding or compassion in the outside world. I hope to make the world more aware and understanding for their benefit.

A lot of what drives me crazy about education atm is this top down methodology of addressing the symptoms first and ignoring the problem. The work I want to continue on in is basically looking deeper into the root problems under the symptoms because the methodology of just addressing the symptoms to me is like a dog chasing it's tail. I hope in the future generations of children wont have to struggle so hard or be made to feel guilty, ashamed or worthless for the things they cannot control. I'm also frustrated with the science because there are so many assumptions built into the criteria based on the traditions shaped by early studies based on those biases. Assumption based on projecting ourselves onto others is a HUGE fallacy that deviates from accuracy.

Example male based criteria of symptoms. Males often exhibit the symptoms of ADHD and ASD externally so they are observed, while girls tend to feel them but not express them. They mask it by hiding it. But because it is hidden and not outwardly expressed, certain assumption were built. Or the assumption that autistics are antisocial. A lot of the times that isnt true. The problem is not knowing how to express ourselves or read social situations or being labeled weird or "out group" without being given a chance. So many autistics choose to self isolate, rather than face rejection but most of us aren't antisocial.

whisperbaby22- Yes indeed. The end results as a part of natural phenomena and factors. E is the end results with a variety of factors to influence it. The winds people may not appreciate but they serve an important function.

---

Wonder was quite explosive yesterday. He was turned out for 4 hours before I rode him. He was very good but I could barely breathe and he was like gotta go- gotta go. I have NO idea how he has the energy he has, I'll be exhausted like I'm done Wonder - I am done and he's like we're just getting started! And I'm pretty chill, kinda like well okay, if he's game than I guess I am too and I find that mentality works much better with Wonder. It's like teetering on a line between this is the standard I expect and at the same time going with the flow. If you do one or the other too much it creates a problem. Try to be too strict or micromanage and Wonder will use his mind to block me out and I lose steering and brakes or he wont let me influence his body. Be too lax and have a horse that only does whatever the heck he wants. A lot of working with Wonder is being between two concepts and finding the balance inbetween.

When I say Wonder will do what he wants, I mean Wonder will do what he wants. I've found addressing this has been going with the flow and redirection his attention and efforts. I put a friend on Wonder and she was really surprised, he will just change direction as he pleases or will just choose what gait he wants, if you don't set it and make it crystal clear. Even in walk, you can't really relax you have to really hold your seat quiet or he jigs or explodes. He has an independent mind and I like that about him because he's also a really good partner. Story, 2 years ago I rode Wonder and he didnt want bend right in the canter, I insisted he should bend right so Wonder grabbed the bit pulled his head to the left. Did a flying change and went left. That was an interesting trick to break.

For the record he is turned out daily and has a low starch/low sugar diet with no soy, corn or filler ingredients. Is on magnesium, etc, etc, etc. Worked with an actual nutritionist on his diet.

One day I'd like to get a better video set up, so they're better quality with more detail. And in general I'm really proud of Wonder. He's an off the track thoroughbred that raced for 5 years. A year ago I thought I was going to be putting him down and here he is. Going better and better. He's taught me so much, I am so grateful for him. I mean yes he's hospitalized me a few times and he's been challenging, at times humiliating and there was a while I cried myself to sleep at night trying to figure out what to do with him. I had Tristan Tucker's personal number from a friend, I had reached out to so many people I respect and admire looking for answers or connections to answers. 

I'm glad to still have Wonder and I appreciate every step of the journey. He's my best friend and motivates me, I love how game he is. How clever and generally good natured. He has days where he really is a freaking not nice words but most of the time he's a great horse.






I slowed it down for detail, Wonder's extended trot. Canter transition was my fault because I rebalanced him the corner and he took that as go. In canter, I'm giving my rein to get him to let go of it and sit himself up. Wonder will bare down on the bit. He's an interesting horse to ride.





Full video, no worries I get ran off with at least a few times every ride. No spurs or whip today, I was not actually planning to do work today. Was planning on a light ride in the arena because he was getting a bit explosive hacking. Then he was explosive in the arena and I was like okay, fine! If you're going to be like that then you're going to work. Also note for a horse like Wonder, cantering is a reward. We're still addressing rhythm issues but they're a lot less than they used to be. Now it is occasional and usually to the right when I am correcting the right hind and keeping it through the body.

I'm 170cm or 5'7, Wonder is ~17.1h after the osteopath adjusted him





Just keep in mind I backed off doing these for over a year to focus on getting the canter more ridable and just restarted them I think Sunday? He was confused by it then. Now he's like oh I got it. He is not a finished horse. The problem is me figuring out how to count, while cuing Wonder, while desperately trying not to get ran off with. His right to left is stickier than left to right but depends on the day, sometimes it is the opposite. We stop in the corner because he loves changes and gets really heated doing them. So I'll ask for a line and at the end we halt or walk. Then I dont come back to it or he gets too heated. These are not perfect. The schoolmasters I rode when schooling these before weren't explosive, the explosiveness makes it really hard to count because things happen very quickly. SO you're focusing on not getting taken off with then lose counter and ask too late. That's my fault and something I need to figure out. Wonder is who he is.






A lot of horses people describe to me as hot are not hot to me. I don't think of reactive/sensitive as hot. It may be hot to them and that is ok but for me it isnt what I consider hot. Hot is hard to explain or put into perspective because it can mean such different things person to person, based on their experience and what they've worked with. A nervous/anxious horse can be a type of hot, then there is the explosive, strong kind of hot. What is described and interpreted depends so much on the readers experiences/assumptions/projections.

If you want an example of hot. I turned him out 4hrs before riding him. I hacked him to warm up. We galloped, we had a bit difficult training ride, go back out on a hack. Gallop a bit (not on my terms) and then we walked for a while and that is this video. And yes, when this turned off. I just managed to get my phone in my pocket and gallop back to the stables. So up a big hill and reasonable length of breeze. Then I put him out and he gallops to Roxanne.






I hadn't ridden Roxanne in 2 months, I had this idea that we would walk a bit and go out for a nice hack. That did not happen. I got ran off with, lost breaks could sort of steer and I'm just sitting up there balancing a 25yr old fiery red head mare and thinking, "well that was not the plan." Roxanne is a former GP show jumper. She is like Wonder in that she can block out a rider mentally, with both of them if they put up that mental block you are a passenger (no brakes, steering isnt really there) and I am NOT running a 25yr old at a fence or putting her on a small circle - no, I'd rather wait it out. Part of why I can ride her whenever I want is because basically no one wants to ride her. She's past her jumping years and challenging. There is nothing 25 about her. She's small 160cm or 15.3h but she is feisty. She's a lot easier than Wonder, she is generally quite honest. She's very sensitive and explosive (literally breathe wrong and explodes) but honest. Today was fun, could not stop in the walk. Tried to get her to stop and she exploded. My fault for not riding her in 2 months - whoops. 

I cut half the running out, not necessary. I just went into two point in a neutral position and sat quiet using my weight to help balance her and just let her be. Kinda use my weight to approximately steer and wait for her to let me in. She has to mentally accept me before my aids means anything. She's like Wonder in that way. She also ran harder when I'd try to stop her and I was like well fine. She's Wonder hot, I was told she was the same when young. She's been owned by the same family her entire life. She's also one the rider has to sit against a lot, she push past your seat like Wonder but thankfully she doesn't have the power or force he has. So she yields to it better but she's one you have to really have a counter in your head and think the pace you want and it will still be quicker than you want but I also think a factor in that is her age and not having the strength behind (Even when in regular work). 

I've decided to get her going again, I was riding her once or twice a week. I don't think she needs to do more than that. Please keep in mind she is 25 and out of shape. I am aware she is on the forehand. Honestly not my focus when I get back on a horse whose had 2 months off. She is a danish warmblood. And in canter, when I'm getting ran off with. The only thing I'm focusing on is keeping the horse in balance to the extent I am able to influence. Really not worried about the rest.
Roxanne


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## DanteDressageNerd

I generally feel like an alien or outside observer when looking at human behavior. One observation is I notice people tend to define others by their faults and I don't tend to do that. Part of being autistic is needing to have cognitive flexibility and realize most people dont have the same perspective. So I tend to see people as individuals and take them for what they are without really a slant or fixation. Hard to explain. But I was thinking about diagnosis and why it matters. So many people call it a label for excuses and to me a diagnosis is freedom to understand what is going on, why and how to realistically work with it - rather than fight against it. I've heard people call a diagnosis an excuse and I'm sometimes blown away by the equal parts of callousness and ignorance. I know it is because for those people, they've never experienced it so to them it is fake. Not knowing the real struggle that goes with mental conditions. But for people with the condition, I think understanding the conditions themselves is useful to be It mattered to help me understand and accept the way I am, to stop torturing myself for not being like everyone else. I'm not like everyone else and I never will be. And I treat myself with more understanding because I recognize what I am and what I'm not. I also see what I can control and manage and what I cannot, that makes self management easier because it is based on real and practical expectations. Rather than idealized ones.

I also get annoyed by stigmas attached to certain diagnosis due to misrepresentation in the media or people meet ONE person with the same condition and assume everyone with that same diagnosis experiences it the same way.

I recently had someone tell me because I have bipolar disorder I need to be medicated. It angered me because that is between myself and my Dr, not someone who thinks they know better than my actual Dr who accessed me. The Dr and I agreed that with my multiple conditions and with how bipolar disorder presents in me, it is best not to medicate. I also think people grossly misunderstand how medication works, it isnt always a solution and most people I know who are medicated - it doesnt "fix" the problem. It can make it more manageable but comes with health risks and can make the issues worse. The effects can also change over time. Medication isnt an exact science and the scientific evidence DOES NOT support the claim that mental illness is a chemical imbalance. We dont actually know what causes it. I am not against medication, however I am against assuming there is one solution for every individual. The individual case needs to be assessed properly and left to the discretion of the Dr and individual.

It amazes me how easily people dismiss and disrespect people to suit their own biases and assumptions. How much people will skew the narrative to suit their ego.

I believe with knowledge and awareness comes greater understanding, respect and empathy. I will never understand people who constantly criticize, judge and put down other people. I look at other people and think I dont walk in their shoes, I dont know what they deal with, so it doesnt occur to me to assume I know better for that person's life. It's their life and they know best how to live it.
---
Rode Roxanne again, she was very good but quite spicy. I had to be very careful or she'd take off, I was like easy young lady - breathe with me. I had an entire lesson once on breathing control. I used a lot of that, as well as sitting against her and half halts. I heard that's pretty much how she's always been. I heard she was a very game, very bold GP horse who wasn't intimidated by anything. She'd lock on and go, the issue was getting her to stop and listen. She'd just make her decisions and go for it, I liked hearing from one of her riders - he's in the world rankings now, her other rider was Nordic champion at the GP level. She is a mare who jumped well over 5ft courses and had 3 foals. I think she is amazing and that she's 25 and still the same amazes me. I hope Wonder and I age so well.

I LOVE riding Roxanne, she keeps me on my toes. It's so fun. Owners are very happy I'm riding her again. I'm still laughing first time I rode her, I thought she was going to be behind the leg and an old lady. Owners were like yeah, she's pretty hot and she's very pushy. She will be the boss if you let her.

Wonder is sassier and more emotional than Roxanne is. He takes corrections personally vs Roxanne is like pff I know best. One of my friends describes Wonder as like a dragon on the outside and a Princess on the inside. It's so true, inside of Wonder is a delicate flower whose feelings are easily hurt but he doesn't respond in a nervous way. He tends to respond with anger and taking over. Though sometimes he takes over because he's excited and enthusiastic. He takes a lot of mind to work with, the aiding system a rider uses depends on his state of mind. Working with the mind was something I really learned from a driving and natural horsemanship trainer. I have tremendous respect for drivers as horseman, they have to be good at reading horses and preparing them to be hooked. The stakes for safety are higher. I appreciate horsemen and people who really get horses, not just judge from a pedestal and ideals.

Then rode Wonder and he was good. We did more collected work and rode basically a bunch of different trot transitions. I call it doing our homework. People mostly just want to see the big gaits and show off type stuff, homework is the important building blocks necessary for improvement. It takes a lot of seat control to sit so strongly against him and not get taken over by his power or enthusiasm. Then over the weekend, we just hacked out. I had a competition with myself to see if I could get him to walk the whole way - that did not happen. Jigged a lot, redirected to walking, jigged, redirect and lots of patience.

Also Wonder running through 3s, I'm sad the 1st change can only be seen the moment after he changed. I know the video shouldn't make me laugh but it makes me laugh because that is Wonder. I find having a good sense of humor and not taking yourself too seriously is a must. At the end we halt and stand in the corner for a little bit. Wonder will always be explosive, it's learning how to keep him with me rather than ahead of me. I have to be so many steps ahead of him or he takes over. That's really hard to do in the changes but I've got to figure it out.






I was just thinking pretty much everything I've had to ride here is because they've put someone in the hospital, except Roxanne and Elmer (FEI pony I got to try a while ago). Everything else has been well they put so and so in the hospital will you take the ride? And me, who seriously needs to reflect upon her choice in horses goes great, I'd love to! I have a thing for adrenaline, I am calmer and more focused when I could get hurt for a small mistake. It thrills me and I like that feeling. Very common with ADHD. I like the challenge, I like the adrenaline. If I wanted a straight forward horse, I'd have a straight forward horse. If I wanted an honest horse, I'd have one. I chose a complicated, difficult horse - if he wasnt so tricky. Id have sold him, I wouldn't have kept him. I prefer a horse who keeps me on my toes and challenges me.

Part of why I sold Frankie, who I broke and developed and she was straight forward, responsive enough, etc but she just wasn't what I wanted to own. She was a really good girl, can't say anything bad about her. She just wasnt my kind of horse and she also wouldn't be able to do what I wanted. She didnt have the collective talent Wonder has.

This is Frankie.

Wrong diagnol is on purpose to help with canter transition, I also use wrong diagnol to help some horses or youngsters for balance or if they have an old injury. I show this ride because it was the most fun I ever had on her was when she was up and fresh. Which honestly that summer I galloped her bareback through the fields and she was a baby, so I thought just get her experience and have fun.

I broke and developed quite a few young horses. I remember my over seeing trainer at the time said she liked getting horses from me because she didnt have to fix anything, she could just carry on where I left off. And that was a big compliment.

This was her normal. She took a bit to keep going, she was a behind the leg type horse. These videos are from 2017





She was 5 or 6 months broke when these were taken





This was just normal young horse stuff. This was her first ride out, really quite mild for a young horse.





I love riding horses where I feel like I could get hurt if I make a mistake. I like working with horses that make me think and require my full attention and focus. I also like riding young horses for that reason too. I like problem solving, I like difficult and complicated. I think that is part of why I kept Wonder and have such a close bond to him.

I had a good discussion with a GP jumper the other day about the general differences in approaching horses. Jumpers tend to ride more mentally, they need to trust their horse and vice versa. Dressage riders tend to be more controlling and mechanical in their approach. Jumpers tend to read the horse they are on and figure out how to adjust to ride that horse vs dressage riders tend to expect the horse to mold to them. I also appreciate when it comes to Wonder, they were like no need to explain - I have eyes. I see what that horse is. I've ridden enough, I can see it. I appreciate people who are experienced for that reason, the basic respect and understanding.

I am looking forward to when Wonder sheds his winter coat and is black-black again.

Wonder enjoying being a horse




And playing with the hose, he loves drinking from the hose and having the warm water run down his head
Hose time

And I'm addicted to black liquorice and chocolate covered liquorice. It is a problem.

I also love when I have time to just watch a ton of different top level dressage riders on a variety of horses and seeing the difference in how they ride horse to horse and situation to situation. I love seeing the differences in style and types of horses. I miss watching at the shows. We have the world cup about 40min from where I live, so I got to watch a ton of different riders at a CDI 5* which was awesome! I hope when corona breaks, I can go again!

I got to see this live. It was amazing, so much appreciation for the riders








Herning | RE-LIVE | FEI Dressage World Cup™ 2019 | Grand Prix


Enjoy the Grand Prix from the Longines FEI Dressage World Cup™ 2019 in Herning (DEN)! ▶▶ Subscribe to our YouTube channel & hit the bell! 🔔▶▶ http://go.fei....




youtu.be





Included pics of Frankie


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## egrogan

I found a TV channel a couple of years or so ago that shows the World Cup dressage series, and I love watching the different styles of horse and rider. I'm sure I understand only a small fraction of what I'm seeing, but it's starting to be the case that even with the sound off (so no commentary), I can sort of guess where so-and-so rider is from based on how they present their horse and what they emphasize in their freestyle (I have to admit, as much as I want to appreciate the quality of the fundamentals, my heart does beat a little faster watching a fancy, curving line of changes with music that's perfectly timed to the horse's movement...). I would really love to go see one of these World Cup shows in person one day- very cool that you're so close by. I sometimes see the stands half full and wonder why more people don't want to go.



DanteDressageNerd said:


> I'm also frustrated with the science because there are so many assumptions built into the criteria based on the traditions shaped by early studies based on those biases. Assumption based on projecting ourselves onto others is a HUGE fallacy that deviates from accuracy.


I really enjoy reading how you're thinking about applying what you're studying and how that's shaping where you want to focus in the future. I've worked with more people than I'd care to count who have made career in social science research and still can't see what you wrote above^^. "Science" is "unbiased," they say. Forgetting that the very act of choosing a research question and group of participants to explore it introduces bias right from the beginning. I'm casually applying for a new job, and have a first-round interview with a place I'm sort of excited about tomorrow. In the application, they asked how considerations of identity and equity shaped how you conduct your research, and I really appreciated that question. I've managed pretty big research teams and really tried to get people to see that, as a researcher, you will bring your own preferences, assumptions, and biases to how you construct a project- but rather than try to avoid that, you have to embrace it, understand it, and identify where it presents shortcomings in your approach. Always asking yourself, "whose perspective is _not _being considered here" when we write this survey, or design this intervention. And also thinking about what's in it for your participants- if someone who completed your survey or performance task read the results and conclusions section of your paper, how would they react? Would they feel used or exploited? Would they see the results as irrelevant? Or would they actually feel like you helped them gain insight into their own experiences? We definitely didn't have conversations like that when I was in grad school. Sure, I can write a great lit review and create a decent statistical model- but even after all these years of being an applied researcher, I still struggle with those "so what" questions when writing up my results, mostly because I _know _how to write the "so what" section that an academic wants to read...but I always want to write the "so what" section that one of my participants would find useful.

I'm glad you're in an academic environment that's at least making you think about these questions, whether or not your professors or other students are there with you. It will make you a better researcher later, if that's what you choose to do.


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## DanteDressageNerd

@egrogan I think time of day matters in regards to the stands, they're usually full by the end of the day and fairly empty early on. Those events in Europe are HUGE, there are multiple warehouses full of venders from all over Europe. It's packed with people! Have dressage and show jumpers in different arenas going on at the same. Also have stallion exhibitions and foals showings, it's a full house! Can also go to BlueHors and Helgstrand when corona isn't going on. I used to go watch at BlueHors as well. They would show their stallions and up and comers. Saw a CDI 3* there. A half thoroughbred actually made top 5.

Thank you for your insightful and thoughtful response  especially as you are an experienced researcher with a lot of knowledge in the methods and practice of research. I heavily agree with writing in a way that is accessible to the every day person. What use is the research if it is not accessible? But the more knowledge you have in a subject, the harder it is to break down into simple terms and not run away with the details in an attempt to be more exact. I really struggle with that, though I havent anywhere near the experience you do. Figuring out how explicitly do you write and what is necessary/unnecessary.

I also find academia and academic works in general difficult to access for most people because they arent trained in how to read it or how to think about it. And truthfully I get bored reading a lot of academic works lol. But I really like that my program comes with a philosophical base and says if you think you have it all figured out, you're missing something. I think when you really understand something, you see all the deviations and tend to use phrases like: it depends. The more you know, the far greater amount of factors you can consider. We are all biased and we are unaware of most of our biases.

Example again with Autism, the research was originally done by non autistic people attempting to understand autistic behavior from the outside. Projecting their assumption sand interpretations of that observed behavior, without asking actual autistics for their reasoning. I dont think it would have occurred to early researchers to ask autistics. I think they would have seen that as removing themselves from science by interjecting past observation. So instead they built criteria on assumptive deductions and interpretations. It is too easy to assume what someone means by a phrase or show of behavior but we really dont know until we ask. Social sciences are tricky, no matter what there is some insert of bias. Science is not truly objective, even interpretations within physical laws are left to discussion and shaded by biases. 

Also why I dont trust gut instinct, people go oh well my gut instinct is always correct and Im like how do you know it is correct? Or do you simply assume it is in hindsight and only remember the times your gut was right and forget the times it was wrong? Humans are very poor as perceiving their reality.










Something I really like about Denmark vs the US, at least in my program. Some Professors are very certain of themselves and others make it apparent that science isnt as objective as we want to believe. They encourage us to be skeptical and be aware of how subjective and flexible statistics is. We studied the philosophy of science, mind and consciousness, to data science and statistics and neuroscience. The structure is partially theory and partially applied, tests and exams are basically figure out what you want to study, design as experiment and gather data then write a scientific paper proving you understanding the course. If someone is too certain, I wonder if they actually know what they're talking about. I think there is the right strike between confidence and doubt. I trust the scientist who is more doubtful because to me that says they are thinking and considering the scope of knowledge they arent aware of as mindfully as what they are aware of.

I really enjoy this channel, they are open discussions presented pretty objectively and treated with respect. Presents different points of views and arguments on different subjects. I used to really enjoy physics, especially quantum mechanics. In my field it is actually helpful that I have some knowledge in it.


https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCl9StMQ79LtEvlrskzjoYbQ



Some of my classmates are with me in skepticism and others blindly adhere to what is written on the page. I think that is normal with people and our varied skill sets. We need many different minds to make science grow. I think Danes also have a healthy attitude of being open to different perspectives and actually being open minded. They do not expect blind agreement and we can be on equal terms disagreeing with rationality and logic. Discussions arent taken personally, it is more just logic and exchanges of ideas in open flow. It is so different from the US, my experience with American academics has been they tend to be very egocentric and competitive with this mentality of only one can succeed at the expense of the rest. Danes are more egalitarian and competitive in a different way, for the whole to succeed by each individual growing and pushing forward. The culture is different and it changes the behavior observed.

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Communication in general is really hard for me, I try but it is really hard when you see things in sensory information and patterns - how things interconnect and work together vs words. Trying to describe what you experience takes a lot of work. I have to have a lot of cognitive flexibility to survive because the way my mind works is very different from other people. The more I go into my study and understand the human mind, the more it is apparent to me how differently my brain works. ADHD and ASD are deviations of neurotype. How I think about things and process information is different, so for me I am constantly trying to see from perspectives other than my own to figure out how to communicate effectively.

I also like understanding all these different factors to depth because it allows me to understand individuals. I think to understand what someone else is saying, you have to try to see from their perspective. I think too often people project themselves onto others and make assumptions based on themselves, rather than based on the individual. I also find people tend to think in "in group" and "out group" meaning, if someone is in the tribe they see them in a positive slant - regardless of reality and if someone is "out group" or someone they dont like, they view that person in a negative slant - regardless of reality.

Maybe this is an autistic thing but I need to try to put myself in the other person's shoes to try to perceive what they are saying. Else I find interpreting human behavior and words tricky. A single sentence can mean ten different things, depending on how it is interpreted, so I always need more context. 

Very bad weather today, the horses got out for maybe an hour. It was snowing with very strong winds. Horses felt an hour was more than enough and were quite eager to come back inside after I did all their boxes. I had 5 to clean today. Wonder was quite cuddly, I felt bad for not having more time to cuddle with him and left him with plenty of food. He is also quite a picky eater, some days I have to take the hay left over and give it to Roxanne. He will also drag his hay to a water source, if it isnt set by the water source for him to soak it. So I always set his hay next to water.


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## whisperbaby22

This is just my view as an outsider, I am really skeptical of research because I always ask where the money trail is. I know that for you ladies this sounds wrong, but I need back up information to feel that things are on the right trail. 

Please keep in mind that I am not at all a researcher, and am not versed in this stuff. But I am interested in a all kinds of things, just tend to figure that a lot of this stuff is hog wash unless I can figure it a bit in my own brain.


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## SueC

Hiya!  _Loved_ the post on the top of the page - and it was really useful for one thing I'm thinking about at the moment. Really interesting stuff. They say that two blades can sharpen each other, etc.

Glad your horse is still around after that scare last year. I've cut back a bit on reading online things but will tune back into yours, even if I can't always read everything... made a pact with myself that I'd make time for music practice again this year, plus do Julian's saddle training, and I can only do it by cutting back on other things I enjoy, 'cos the chores aren't going away anytime soon...

Of course, reading and writing is what I've done so much of since living on a farm because it's the opposite of working in an office. Then, I used to burst out after work full of energy wanting to exercise, play music etc. Now, I come in from my outdoors stuff and all I want is to be horizontal with a book or a laptop... and I'm consciously pulling back a bit from that, even though it's not "bad" and has lots of valuable stuff...

How's the cat?


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## DanteDressageNerd

@whisperbaby22 - you don't have to be a researcher or "expert" in it to think about it. In general, I agree follow the money when questioning the results. We should always ask, does this make sense? Do not blindly follow the words on a page but ask what do these words represent in the big picture, what do they really mean?

You are wise to question the results and say, does this add up? Does this make sense or is this outcome paid for? Question studies, some boldly exaggerate claims. Good scientists do as well, and some findings are overturned. Some studies are poorly conducted. I think it is important people think about it and dont blindly accept what is written on a page.

And also being wary of confirmation bias or cherry picking, only looking at material which confirms our world view. I think it is important to always look at things which challenge our perspective and make us think, expanding into things we do not know or understand but I think admitting to ourselves when we don't understand something is a key sign of awareness and an open mind.

@SueC - makes sense, real life should always take priority over this virtual world. I'm glad youre making time for the things that matter to you and for the horse's. You look so happy when you ride, it is clear you missed it greatly!

What you say in feeling and effort reminds me of a way to think about things from a researcher on humans this week as a form of putting out efforts and what we choose to put efforts into. It was saying every time we deny ourselves something we want (say a food) or we force ourselves to do something we don't want to do we drain our "energy cup." Also expending effort of any kind can drain the cup. The cup periodically needs to be refilled and requires things like walking or watching TV, playing music or reading. What fills or drains the cup varies person to person and I think it also changes depending on our day to day routines.

Magnus (Dansk: Mow-noose) is doing great! He follows me around the apartment, waits on the kitchen table when I shower. I come home, he comes running to see me. He's a happy cat. Every morning and night, he requires cuddles and when the light is too bright in the morning, he comes under the covers where it is dark.

And thank you, yes I am SO SO happy to still have Wonder. He is my horse of a life time. I've never connected to a horse, like I have him. He has such a spirit and will about him. I love how independent minded he is and how shockingly clever and bold he is and his school boy sense of humor keeps me amused. He is distinctly unique, horse behavioralist who evaluated him said the same thing. He is truly one of a kind.

Today I took his tack off, just got the bridle off and he walks past me and trots into the wash box. And I'm like well okay. He makes his own decisions, does his own thing and good luck trying to stop him. Usually direct confrontation equals him putting his energy into getting ahead and having his way, so the best way is general is to go with the flow and casually redirect his efforts and show him what you want - being patient.

In the last year we've worked with so many experts. International caliber sporthorse vets who are involved in up to date research and rehab, osteopath, horse behavioralist, and biomechanics expert, I dont remember who all we saw. We worked with a lot of people and spent a lot of money. A liver/kidney detox fixed the neurological symptoms and outlandish behavior. He had a week where he acted like he was having a manic episode - it was the most bizarre thing I've ever seen _shrugs_ I dont know why the detox worked but it did and Im grateful.

I've shown all of the below videos to a horse behavioralist who evaluated him and I as well - watching us interact, seeing his behavior, etc. She was like, he really is a rare individual. She was laughing like I was, she was like, he is not normal. That is not normal and I said no! He's weird. She was like he is really lucky to have found you, you have to be an expert horseman to work with a horse like this. Agreed with how I manage him and how I addressed the issues. Said just keep doing what you're doing (my idea is to nourish the playful side and move away from the aggression), you cant "control" a horse like this, with him it is important that he always has a choice. It's working with him, not constricting him to fit a box. The moment you try to force or confine him to a box is when he'll fight. She said he's very uncomfortable with sharing control which stems from trust issues. He's very emotional and became very guarded from having his emotional state neglected, so he put up an emotional wall and acts out in extremes and aggression to protect himself - which is what I have been working with and addressing the last several years. Emotional barriers/walls take years.

She said it was cute to see him work with me, she said he loves to see me smile and laugh. Horse behavioralist said, you cannot force him, cannot just do the right thing and get the right result - he is a horseman's horse and you have to really know what youre doing with a horse like him.

Also warned me, he is something that would regress back to violence and aggression rapidly if in the wrong hands. It is every day managing him a certain way that keeps him good natured. However, the aggression is always under the hood.

This one is funny, watch to the end. He over reacts than runs away and comes back - spanish walking back to me lol





Very Wonder, just makes up his mind and goes for it










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Respect goes both ways.

Another thing in my approach with horses is, I dont look from the top and say that fixes the issues. It can - depending on other factors but it is a small part of the story, I look more at the substance and how various factors fit together. Meaning I dont look at the aesthetics, I look at the effective use of aids, I look at the individual horse and ask what works best? I dont cram ideology down and expect things to work because that's how it should work, I adjust. I look at what is being developed and evaluate each individual I work with and assess what works and what doesn't. What needs to be addressed first, when to push the envelope and expand boundaries and when to take a step back.

The people who always think they have the solution for everyone else's problems imo seldom know what they're talking about. - For context I mean the judgmental people who think they can live everyone else's lives better than they can. Who always criticize and judge, rather than focusing on their own plate. But I think they focus on other people's plates because their own is lacking and they think going after other people will raise their sense of self worth. They're trying to fill a cup that is going low. 

For example each horse is an individual and let's say Wonder is command language and most horses are say python o "R". Different languages with different skills sets and depths of knowledge. It isnt necessary to know command language when you work with most horses but if you're working with a horse like Wonder, command language is necessary.

Pics, Magnus and Wonder


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## gottatrot

I can relate to the videos with Hero acting similar at times. The other day when I went to turn him out, he was going to just explode and I couldn't safely get his halter off, so I just had to unfasten his lead rope and wait for him to bolt away and gallop around for a while. I thought the horse behavioralist had some good insight. This is what I have found also, that it is taking each day as it comes. Some days I have a compliant horse, and other days we have to revise the plan because he will be on his own program rather than mine.


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## whisperbaby22

Thanks for understanding my point of view, although I think I should have said "expert" in place of researcher. I guess I'm old enough to have heard "expert" people get things wrong again and again. For example, the 2008 financial meltdown had the heads of monetary policy here in the U.S. stating that everything was fine, then just before things went bust they were assuring us that this would be contained. 

It was quite jarring to see major financial businesses collapse overnight, and to see this spiral across many countries. There is a movie called the Big Short about one of the people who actually looked at the financials and shorted the banks, who took the short because all the experts including the ratings services said there would be no collapse.


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