# Depression and feeling worthless. :(



## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Keep seeing your doctor. Meds aren't as easy to get right as some other conditions. 

I am sorry for your loss. No doubt it is very hard.

As for the lonely, probably where we can help the most. Reach out here as needed. Not just in the hardest of times. The random topics can help.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

Yes, please keep seeing your Dr. It takes time for them to get in your system but once there if they aren't helping you then time to see if you need a different dose or different med or even combo. Talk therapy and just getting involved with a social group with like minds can help. Being around a barn full of women that ride on and off together was what helped me. So did finding a support group on the web, volunteering time as a mentor on another site and finding this group. 

I am so sorry for your loss. You're in my prayers and I'm sending a super sister hug as my baby brother calls them. 

I whole heartedly agree with Aubie. Reach out here. Join the random threads and PM someone you would love to just start a convo with.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

How long have you been taking your medication? It may be time to go back to your doctor and request something else if you have given the current medication time to work, but still aren't feeling relief. 

I also suffer from depression, as well as anxiety and PTSD. It took me a while to get my medications correct, but once I did it really helped me. 

One thing that really helps me is getting up and getting some sunlight early in the morning. If days aren't sunny where you are, invest in a light therapy box. I have a "Happy Light" which is 5,000 lumens, half the recommended light therapy lumens. Even just that for 15-30 minutes in the morning helps a LOT. 

Exercise also helps because it is increasing endorphins. If you decide to go that route, start off very slow and set very realistic goals- no further out than the end of the week. 

None of these things are a silver bullet or a magic cure, but each helps in their way.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Mine started when I lost 3 people in one year (one aunt and a full set of grandparents). BTDT unfortunately


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Been going on 2 weeks i've been on meds don't like how they make me feel. I see therapist several times a week as i was suicidal. But past that now being on meds. I get exercise every morning trying to get chores done takes about 30 minutes for chores. Some days i don't get out of bed till 2 pm. I'm so tired i can't hardly function ,then the feeling lightheaded doesn't help. 

The depression started after i lost my parents, wasn't to bad to start but gradually got worse. I couldn't deal with it anymore that was when i got suicidal. Still have some thoughts of suicide but it fades out because i'm just too tired to do much. Thank you for the replies much appreciated.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Like Aubie said, keep seeing your doc and just don't give up. I know the feeling of not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but tell yourself that, even though you don't believe it at the moment, it's all going to get better soon! Remember that there are so many people both in your life and also here that are there for you and supporting you. Don't just read this; really and truly believe it!
Spend some time with your horses; not just feeding, but, if possible, just hang out with them. I know that that helped my depression a lot.

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers and I hope that the pain will subside soon.

I don't know what to say or how to describe what I'm trying to get through to you, but just really think about the good things in your life. Sincerely remember and tell yourself that you are not worthless; on the contrary, you're worth a lot more than your weight in gold! Everyone on God's green Earth is here for a reason, and even though that reason might not be evident right now, it will come to you soon!!!! *sendinginfinityhugs*


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

A month and a half ago I watched my nan (who I call mum as she raised me in place of my biological) choke to death before my eyes, her head in my hands. She was in hospital and aspirated. Moments before we were talking normally. A few years ago my uncle, my father figure, had a heart attack. I was there and had to go through the resus motions while waiting for the ambulance and watching as the life left his eyes. He was holding a cup of tea and walking towards me when he'd collapsed. The death rattle is real. 

On a daily basis I feel like there is an alternate me that is having to push through curtains of despair while carrying the biggest burden imaginable. 

I continue to function, if barely and certainly not for myself. I function for my remaining family, for the memory of those gone and for my animals, most recently my new horse who has breathed life into me in during the worst possible point in my life. The reason I write this is that there are many people out there like us. Look fine on the outside but are suffering immensely within. I for the most part feel completely dead inside and just going through the motions. Even considering suicide requires more energy than I have to give. It has put life in perspective. I don't want much, anymore, just some happiness. To _feel_. 

You aren't alone. I will say that what has helped wasn't the anti-anxiety meds or the sleeping pills. But the contraceptive has which I started a few months ago as I was still suffering from my uncles death. All the stress in my life has upset my hormonal balance and at 28 with regular cold night sweats mixed with some hot flushes I might have pushed my body into early menopause according to several blood test reports. I have even started to go bald too and am preparing to shave it off in a few months if there is no improvement. The only tablet able to help stabilise things in one go was an oral contraceptive. It only took a few months before I noticed the difference. I was less bi-polar esque and less PMSy, if that makes sense? I feel more level if not necessarily over the moon. I'm really only happy when I see other people or my animals happy. 

This isn't a competition about whose got it worse. We all have our personal battles and it's no ones business to rate them. I constantly got told that I have MY life and MY health and that kids are dying in Africa so why should I be sad? Don't guilt yourself like this, if you do. You keep trudging on through the jungle that is hell and know that in the fog, there are others with you that can relate. Just keep trudging on. x


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## Trinket12 (Oct 27, 2017)

Be kind to yourself, if you can’t get out of bed until 2 pm that’s where you are that day, and that’s OK. Whatever you achieve IS an achievement, even if that’s going from bed to sofa. If you feel like you’re only doing the bare minimum, don’t be mean to yourself about it, because you’re doing what you can manage on that day.

Reach out, whether that’s on here or to other people in your life. It’s very scary to be honest and say you need help, especially if you don’t know how someone may react. But ultimately most people will want to be there for you. 

Take one day at a time.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

@Kalraii Thank you, does help to know your not alone in the sadness and pain. Every day is a struggle some worse than others my horses & dogs keep me going. Only thing that has kept me from suicide is my animals and husband. Some days that doesn't seem a good enough reason not to commit suicide. But it would take effort to do so, i'm so tired all the time, i feel like i'm living in a fog. 

I just want to feel normal not drugged up tired and light headed. The things i love most don't seem to matter that what scares me,i feel like i'm losing the battle. Hate being in this fog of hopeless feelings.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

You have little control over the way you feel, but maybe shining some daylight on those feelings will help your rational brain to deal with them better.

I have a strong suspicion that those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are drug induced. Just as someone who took LSD can understand the hallucination they see as a consequence of taking a drug, you may be able to understand your feelings as an artifact of a deficiency - serotonin would be my guess. You'll still feel the way you do, but knowing this might put a light at the end of the tunnel.

Be patient with the meds. There are many meds that can be given at many dosages, and not all of them are designed to be therapeutic with just a few doses. Describe your side effects to your health care provider in great clarity to accelerate through this painful trial-and-error.

See if you can find a rational, objective justification for your feelings. For example, if you feel worthless, is there a rational basis for this? I'm going to say that the horses in your care, whose very life and wellbeing depend on you, would beg to differ regarding your worth. Again, knowing this won't chase the blues away, but meaning and purpose are the things that everybody seeks in life. Just knowing that your being has meaning and purpose, and that it can be measured by an observer, may help.

Nothing I said is intended to magically make you "feel better". My intent was to give you the knowledge that someone has who visits the dentist. Knowing that the treatment is ultimately beneficial does nothing to help how you feel about your skull rattling in resonance with the drill, but it prevents you from doing anything drastic, like punching the dentist and running for your life.


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## EmberScarlet (Oct 28, 2016)

Have you checked for nutritional deficiencies? They can cause or worsen depression. Omega-3 fatty acids, magnesium, vitamin D, vitamin B complex, folate, iron, zinc, etc... all effect your mood. My older sister was diagnosed with depression, but before they put her on pills, they tested her for deficiencies. After finding out she was low on vitamin D and iron, she started taking pills to help that. It helped. A lot. While it didn't fix the problem completely, it still worked wonders.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I didn't push like for all the replies wanting to instead say how much they were liked. Such wonderful and thoughtful posts. 

To rambo99 take strength form this and the knowledge folks are here. At the mash of a button. Feeling alone can be so overwhelming. You're not anymore.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

You mention your husband. Does he know/understand how serious your depression is? I think it's hard for some people to grasp that unless they've gone through it themselves.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

aubie said:


> I didn't push like for all the replies wanting to instead say how much they were liked. Such wonderful and thoughtful posts.
> 
> To rambo99 take strength form this and the knowledge folks are here. At the mash of a button. Feeling alone can be so overwhelming. You're not anymore.


Thank you. This is why i posted.



mmshiro said:


> You have little control over the way you feel, but maybe shining some daylight on those feelings will help your rational brain to deal with them better.
> 
> I have a strong suspicion that those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness are drug induced. Just as someone who took LSD can understand the hallucination they see as a consequence of taking a drug, you may be able to understand your feelings as an artifact of a deficiency - serotonin would be my guess. You'll still feel the way you do, but knowing this might put a light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> ...



Don't know if my feelings are rational,i feel in a fog all the time right now. Before the meds i was suicidal so guess i'm somewhat better off now. But still feel hopeless having a hard time getting past it. Reading replies here helps i see people overcome this depression thing. I'm in the depths of it, even with meds that dull my feeling by making me so tired all the time. 

I go to therapist tomorrow so maybe she can help with my feelings i have. Yes my horses sure do depend on me, and are very happy when i do finally go out to feed/care for them. The feeling worthless and having the hopeless feelings, are me it runs so deep,its like i'm drowning in it.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

JoBlueQuarter said:


> You mention your husband. Does he know/understand how serious your depression is? I think it's hard for some people to grasp that unless they've gone through it themselves.


He knows i'm struggling but really doesn't get it and how hard it is. He tells me just need to get over it push past the pain/ feeling you have. Easier said than done,i can't just get over it,it has me in it's grip. I don't like how i feel i don't like being on meds, that make me so tired and light headed all the time.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

rambo99 said:


> He knows i'm struggling but really doesn't get it and how hard it is. He tells me just need to get over it push past the pain/ feeling you have. Easier said than done,i can't just get over it,it has me in it's grip. I don't like how i feel i don't like being on meds, that make me so tired and light headed all the time.


I understand. I'm rooting for you, I want you to know that!


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

rambo99 said:


> He knows i'm struggling but really doesn't get it and how hard it is. He tells me just need to get over it push past the pain/ feeling you have. Easier said than done,i can't just get over it,it has me in it's grip. I don't like how i feel i don't like being on meds, that make me so tired and light headed all the time.


He may be afraid to face his own inability to help... Guys like to fix things. Not being able to help you fix your problem could be driving him nuts as well. Let him know how he can actually be helpful, and see what happens.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

It is very common for people to say things like get over it. It just doesn't work that way the same what it doesn't work to tell a diabetic to get over it.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

mmshiro said:


> He may be afraid to face his own inability to help... Guys like to fix things. Not being able to help you fix your problem could be driving him nuts as well. Let him know how he can actually be helpful, and see what happens.


Very true, hard for him to see me so down not doing things i normally do. Tells me go out ride your horse that will help cheer you up. I have no energy no desire to do anything that requires any effort,i'm tired all the time. I've been in a fog for 2 weeks. 

Someone mentioned being deficient in vit/mins doctor did blood test. Was low on vitamin D but have been on vit d supplement for a month now. I'm tempted to not take meds but i know it's not a good idea. Have an appointment with therapist tomorrow morning, then appt with doctor. So will see what he says about meds and the effects it's having. 

I just want my life as i knew it back. My house is a mess the barns a mess, i'm not getting stuff done that needs done. Every day is a struggle just getting out of bed.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

I'm really sorry that you are feeling the way that you do, it sucks. 

When I moved to Florida 17 years ago, I came here with no family or friends around at all. Just me and my dog. I just left the most horrible relationship that I had ever been in (which was a relief even though I didn't want to admit to it at the time). I changed jobs within the same company and learning everything all over again and less pay at the moment. At this time I went through the only time in my life that I have been truly in a state of depression. Here's the crazy part and what I believe was the key to me getting through it. I didn't fight it. At one point when I felt like I was drowning, I just decided to roll over and float instead of trying to swim out of it. I actually started to enjoy it in a way (hard to explain that part). I think what really helped is that I didn't try to act like everything was fine or try to push myself into a state that I wasn't feeling. I didn't have to put on a happy face for anyone as I was by myself. I didn't have to explain myself and I'm sure to an outside observer I would have looked like a nutcase. One minute I was crying and the next laughing and the next angry and then back to crying. This was the very first time that I had ever allowed myself to really feel everything. No explanations, no apologies and no trying to act a certain way for someone else. While this was happening, I had no fear. I kept telling myself that I knew this wasn't going to last forever so there was nothing to fight or battle. I would just let it run it's course and run out of steam. Eventually, in a few months it did. Not all of a sudden but gradually. Since I went through this, it has changed my life permanently. My outlook on everything is so different. In hindsight, going through this depression actually made me a better person in this world. I don't really know if telling you this will help but I hope it does.

Your husband can't really help you FEEL better. What he can do to help is clean the house a little so you don't stress over it being messy or the barn or feed horses or whatever. Just pick up the slack. It won't last forever.


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## gottatrot (Jan 9, 2011)

rambo99 said:


> Someone mentioned being deficient in vit/mins doctor did blood test. Was low on vitamin D but have been on vit d supplement for a month now. I'm tempted to not take meds but i know it's not a good idea. Have an appointment with therapist tomorrow morning, then appt with doctor. So will see what he says about meds and the effects it's having.


I hope the doctor will follow up with your blood tests. The low vitamin D is a big one, so it would be good to make sure you are getting enough. Did they test your thyroid? Low or high thyroid can also affect people. My uncle recently had hyperthyroidism and he was extremely depressed until he got on the right medication. His dog had died, so at first he thought it was just that making him so depressed.

Something to consider is that most people have depression at some point in their life, so it is not something to think of as abnormal. When I was a teen, I had depression after a horse died that lasted three months. At the time I was told it was basically ridiculous, and to snap out of it but I couldn't. Since then I've had episodes after bad things have happened in my life. Now I understand it is a perfectly normal thing to go through, and try to see it more objectively. You feel terrible, tired, foggy, and sometimes emotionless, overly emotional or hopeless. 

What I do is acknowledge I am going through some depression, and sleep as much as I want because that is the brain's way of healing. If people want me to do things, I just tell them I am having some depression and acknowledge that I am not feeling up to it. It will pass, so it is nothing to worry about. In other words, don't let your depression give you more to worry about. It's a normal reaction to trauma, and your body needs to heal just like it would if you broke your leg. You wouldn't berate yourself for not doing as much if your leg was broken, so do the same for your mind, it is physical and gets injured sometimes too. Give it rest and time to heal. If you broke your leg, it would be a chore to get out and feed the horses and do the housework, but you'd forgive yourself. You also wouldn't expect to get better in a couple of weeks.


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## Fimargue (Jun 19, 2015)

I'm going to start by saying that I might regret saying these things on this forum, but as I feel for you and want to give you a little bit of hope.

I was you. I have a clinical depression and my functioning daily life is dependant on the medication. It took a while to find the right one and now I take only the lowest dose every day.

Before I got my medication right, I had days when I was paralysed in bed, thinking about stopping to breath. I was up and I was down, I had insomnia and my depression became paranoid. I had persistent obsessive thoughts about ending my life. I could not get anything done and the feeling of helplessness was very real.

When I was an early teen, I had an interesting home life, so I became an angry person. All sadness became anger, and up until this day fear becomes anger, but I learned to control my feelings with horses. I found my bubble of zen when dealing with and training sensitive horses.

I feel that a part of me has died because of this disease. I have difficulty to care about keeping up relationships with other people and care in general. But, I feel alive when I'm with my horses. 

I had this idea that I wouldn't make it until I was 21, it seemed like a good number. I'm 26 now, and I want to become a good rider in dressage, and keep training horses because that's what I'm good at. These are my objectives for life.

It does not seem like it now, but someday you feel alive again too. I would urge you to try different medication because you are not supposed to feel foggy headed for a long time.

This is a very nice place full of nice people. We don't always agree on everything, but we all love horses and respect each other. Keep writing.


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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

rambo99 said:


> Before the meds i was suicidal so guess i'm somewhat better off now. But still feel hopeless having a hard time getting past it.
> 
> I go to therapist tomorrow so maybe she can help with my feelings i have.


I am so glad you are going to a therapist who you can be open and honest with. Please don't discount any of your feelings and be sure to verbalize them. Medications can be adjusted, but not if the medical professionals don't know how you truly are feeling.

I am sure it doesn't feel like much to you, but not having suicidal thoughts all the time IS an improvement. Have you spoken with your therapist about setting realistic goals? You don't need to focus on "all the things you should be doing" but instead pick a single task to focus on. One step at a time and give yourself credit for what you _have_ accomplished. Be kind to yourself.




rambo99 said:


> He knows i'm struggling but really doesn't get it and how hard it is. He tells me just need to get over it push past the pain/ feeling you have. Easier said than done,i can't just get over it,it has me in it's grip.


Will your husband visit the therapist with you? Perhaps hearing about what to expect from a professional will give him a better understanding that telling you to 'get over it' is not productive. I am sure he wants to help you in whatever way he can and just isn't sure how to go about doing it.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Have a few minutes before i have to leave for therapist appt then doc appt. Will ask doc about the meds because, feeling like they make me feel sucks. I have to fight the feeling of being so low on emotions,there are days if i didn't fight it i'd never get out of bed. Today is one of those days took me 3 hours to finally get up. Suicidal thoughts are there just dulled out by the meds. The hopeless feelings are also just dulled out. I feel like life has been drained out of me things i love i don't really love so much,that is scary. 

I cry over pretty much nothing. I try to put on i'm happy when i go places with my husband. For most part i can pull it off,but it's not really who i am now. Husband coming to therapist appt would be hard for him to take time off work. He missed almost a week being sick with the flu already. I have 4 kids who a babysitter is taking care of them daily because i just can't. So i'm failing them too i haven't been a good mom now for a while. Ages 4,6,10 & 13 so another reason i need to get it back together mind wise. 

I'll have doctor retest blood to make sure everything up to snuff.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I am sorry for your losses, and very sorry you feel this way. :sad: It is not easy.
I deal with anxiety which isn't much better, and I recently had to take medication because it got out of control.

However, with mediciation it's a matter of trial & error. I think you should go back to the dr & get something new. You may have to try a few (believe me, it's annoying!) but they DO take a few weeks to 'kick in'. 

Like with mine, the first 2 weeks were a bit hard. But then it started working & it doesn't make me tired, drowsy, any of that. 

Medicine isn't always the answer. Like for me, I don't plan on being on it 'forever' but my dr. recommended at least a year. I like it so far though. It's also not super strong or addictive, like most medications are. You also have to work on it YOURSELF, outside of the medication because you don't want it to 'mask' it. 

Try not to give up, we are here for you as well.  *hugs*!


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

There are meds that do that - depress the system even further to shut down that response (suicidal thoughts) hopefully you have a doctor that will prescribe something that allows you to feel and a therapist that works you through those feelings. Sometimes being a good mom means letting someone else take over for a while while you work on you and healing. Don't feel guilty about making sure they are in good hands.

10 years ago my brother came home to find his wife dying on the floor. He had an older child and two from this marriage. They were 2 and 1 at the time. The 1 year old's birthday was the Sat before her death and the 2 year old's birthday the Saturday after. We had the funeral that Saturday in the morning and the combined birthday party that afternoon. How my brother made it through I'll never know. I moved in for 3 months, then my mom and I rotated until it became clear it was better for all involved for the kids to come home with us. We kept them from that point for almost a year. It took that long for him to get his head on straight. It was the best decision for all. He was able to spend quality time with them without the day to day stress on top of his depression.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

QtrBel said:


> There are meds that do that - depress the system even further to shut down that response (suicidal thoughts) hopefully you have a doctor that will prescribe something that allows you to feel and a therapist that works you through those feelings. Sometimes being a good mom means letting someone else take over for a while while you work on you and healing. Don't feel guilty about making sure they are in good hands.
> 
> 10 years ago my brother came home to find his wife dying on the floor. He had an older child and two from this marriage. They were 2 and 1 at the time. The 1 year old's birthday was the Sat before her death and the 2 year old's birthday the Saturday after. We had the funeral that Saturday in the morning and the combined birthday party that afternoon. How my brother made it through I'll never know. I moved in for 3 months, then my mom and I rotated until it became clear it was better for all involved for the kids to come home with us. We kept them from that point for almost a year. It took that long for him to get his head on straight. It was the best decision for all. He was able to spend quality time with them without the day to day stress on top of his depression.


The doctor will not change my meds..meds are doing there job shutting down the suicidal thoughts. So i have to continue to be in the fog i'm in guess for my own good. Like therapist said i have 4 kids who need their mom. Qtrbel that is just awful and scary. 

Yes i'm not great today but i just have to deal with it like it or not.


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## ChestnutPony4Life (Dec 30, 2017)

No matter what you think, YOU'RE NOT WORTHLESS!!!!!! You're an amazing person and never give up because your horses need their mom and your friends and family love you and need you!!!!:hug: BE STRONG!!!!


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Everyday's a new day. The way you feel today isn't necessarily going to be the way you'll feel every day.

There's hope. Hope's one of the three greatest things in the world.

The world would be less without you, not more.....

You also have love, the love of your family, your children, and your friends.

Love is also one of the three greatest things in the world. Not only is it one of the three greatest things in the world, it is the greatest thing in the world.

Find the third greatest thing in the world and your life will be complete.

Every day starts with a new dawn. God be with you, keep you, and guide you.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

gunslinger said:


> Everyday's a new day. The way you feel today isn't necessarily going to be the way you'll feel every day.
> 
> There's hope. Hope's one of the three greatest things in the world.
> 
> ...



Thank you, really liked this and gives me something to think about. Just really not liking the meds there keeping me in a state of fog and light headed feeling,and tired. Hard to function when feeling like i do,but trade off is being suicidal which isn't good. Meds are suppressing the suicidal thoughts. 

Having a hard time because i'm not taking care of my kids & animals, like i should i'm falling short for my kids who need their mom. My 13 year old asked her dad last night when will mom be back to normal, that made me so sad to hear that..tears are flowing now just typing it.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

Your kids are in good hands; they'll be just fine. As will your horses. You don't have to feel guilty for not spending as much time with them. Focus on yourself for a while *hugs* I wish I could be there for real, in-person support and help, but I can only give you emotional support over the net.


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## twixy79 (Jul 8, 2017)

@rambo99, sorry I am jumping into this thread a little late. I know what it is like to suffer from crippling depression and suicidal thoughts (along with a slew of other medical problems). There are some days where I am so tired from insomnia that I can barely function. There are some days where my body is so sore that I can barely walk without falling. There are days when emotionally all I want to do is cry, or be angry. It has taken me a long time to figure out what works for me. It took years of therapy (a ton of journaling my feelings) and eventually, I came to the realization that life will never be fair, there is no such thing, but that doesn't mean it's not worth living. One of my best friends who also suffers from depression once told me that every day cannot be sunshine, rainbows and lottery winning. You are going to have days where you get struck by lightning, pulled over by a cop and dumped. She is 100% right. The good and the bad in the universe have to balance one another out. So it may not seem fair that you have had so much loss and sadness in your life, but think of all of the joy that your family and pets give you. Think of all of the joy, happiness, and adventures that are yet to come! 

If you ever need to reach out, please feel free. I am always happy to talk, and since I rarely sleep, I am usually always available.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

twixy79 said:


> @rambo99, sorry I am jumping into this thread a little late. I know what it is like to suffer from crippling depression and suicidal thoughts (along with a slew of other medical problems). There are some days where I am so tired from insomnia that I can barely function. There are some days where my body is so sore that I can barely walk without falling. There are days when emotionally all I want to do is cry, or be angry. It has taken me a long time to figure out what works for me. It took years of therapy (a ton of journaling my feelings) and eventually, I came to the realization that life will never be fair, there is no such thing, but that doesn't mean it's not worth living. One of my best friends who also suffers from depression once told me that every day cannot be sunshine, rainbows and lottery winning. You are going to have days where you get struck by lightning, pulled over by a cop and dumped. She is 100% right. The good and the bad in the universe have to balance one another out. So it may not seem fair that you have had so much loss and sadness in your life, but think of all of the joy that your family and pets give you. Think of all of the joy, happiness, and adventures that are yet to come!
> 
> If you ever need to reach out, please feel free. I am always happy to talk, and since I rarely sleep, I am usually always available.


Thank you, Today ended up be ok when kids got off buss they had valentine day cards they made. We spent time outside playing with the horses. And they helped with washing the truck, also helped scrub out the water trough for horses and re filled. 

Was a real struggle for me to do this stuff,but i pushed through the don't want to part. Had some pretty happy kids that had big smiles,because mom actually did some stuff with them. Dad called and the oldest told him mom did some fun stuff with us today we even got mom to laugh!


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

I'm so glad you had fun with your kids and horses today!  Happy Valentine's day, btw!


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

JoBlueQuarter said:


> I'm so glad you had fun with your kids and horses today!  Happy Valentine's day, btw!


Happy valentine's day to everyone on forums!

I got hugs & kisses from all four kids before they went to bed. Amazing how just spending that time having some fun helped them & me. I'm still in that fog/ tired and dulled out suicidal thoughts. Somehow i got some energy to do horses and have some fun. We had pizza for dinner and cake & ice cream for dessert. kiddos love pizza so tonight was pizza night for valentine's dinner. :biggrin:


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Happy Valentine's Day! Sounds like yours was very good. 

I am coming to this late but wanted to say a few things. Your body (and brain) will adjust to the medications over time and your fogginess should slowly decrease. If it doesn't, please let the doctor know. Sometimes just changing the administration time from morning to night helps that. 

Another thing to be aware of is many times people don't have to take antidepressants forever. Focus on day to day, not long term anything. 

Someone mentioned journaling; that is an excellent idea. Write down how you are feeling and what you are doing each day, then share it with your therapist.

Write down what makes you feel better, and what makes you feel worse. Focus only on what makes you feel better for a while. 

Also there is a "can't sleep" thread on here that usually will have someone up and posting that maybe you could talk to. Since this is an international forum, someone somewhere is usually awake and willing to listen.

Here is the link: http://www.horseforum.com/horse-talk/cant-sleep-786685/

:hug:


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

AnitaAnne said:


> Happy Valentine's Day! Sounds like yours was very good.
> 
> I am coming to this late but wanted to say a few things. Your body (and brain) will adjust to the medications over time and your fogginess should slowly decrease. If it doesn't, please let the doctor know. Sometimes just changing the administration time from morning to night helps that.
> 
> ...


Thanks,today was a tough day trying to focus on what makes me feel better was impossible. Very foggy very tired and the light headed was worse than ever today. So dad has been in charge of kids because i just can't deal with them or anything else.:-(


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

Aww, I'm sorry @rambo99. There's good days and bad days; you just have to pull through the bad ones to get to some more good ones! :hug:


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Keep on keeping on. And keep updating.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I'm sorry that you feel that way @rambo99 and I care. I just wanted to say that. 

Many people, including myself, have been to a dark place at least once in their life. It's genuinely terrifying, and I never want to go there again. That's the good news. Once you get out, you will have a whole new outlook on life, and never take things for granted again. You'll also know the signs to watch for, so that it doesn't happen to you again, or to someone you love. 

You will come out of this a happier, better person, even though it doesn't feel that way to you right now. You had a good day two days ago. Now rest. But you'll have more good days, until there are more good ones than bad. Allow yourself the time you need to heal.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Rambo......you have so much to give that those around you need.

While there's nothing stronger than a mothers love for her children, stop and think about a child's love for their mother.

How much pain would come to a child who lost their mother?

You have great worth to those around you. Don't underestimate you're worth or how much your loved.

Joy. You can have it. You will have it.

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.


4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.


13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love is the key. Love your children, love your friends, love your life as it was a gift from god.

Love is joy. Open your heart and let it in.


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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

rambo99 said:


> Thanks,today was a tough day trying to focus on what makes me feel better was impossible. Very foggy very tired and the light headed was worse than ever today.





Acadianartist said:


> You had a good day two days ago. Now rest. But you'll have more good days, until there are more good ones than bad. Allow yourself the time you need to heal.


This!

If you had been in an accident that damaged you _externally_, you would not be expecting instant results and poof all better - think about that for a minute. If you had been in a car accident that resulted in multiple broken bones, etc nobody would expect you to shed the casts and crutches and be all better right now. You wouldn't expect it from yourself either. Just because the trauma you are suffering from is internal does not mean it will not take time to heal. :hug:


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

phantomhorse13 said:


> This!
> 
> If you had been in an accident that damaged you _externally_, you would not be expecting instant results and poof all better - think about that for a minute. If you had been in a car accident that resulted in multiple broken bones, etc nobody would expect you to shed the casts and crutches and be all better right now. You wouldn't expect it from yourself either. Just because the trauma you are suffering from is internal does not mean it will not take time to heal. :hug:


I know it takes time to heal,i just want to not feel so foggy, tired & light headed every single day. I function on a very low level. Hard to deal with when you have kids who want your attention,want you to be like you were before. My youngest said mommy i want my old mommy back. She gave me a hug before she got on school bus, to go to preschool... said hope my old mommy is back when i get home later on. 

That why i'm struggling so much.:sad: 
@gunslinger, thank you very true. Multiquote isn't working today.


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## twixy79 (Jul 8, 2017)

@rambo99 - i am sure that your little one is too young to understand what you are going through, although perhaps, having a sit down with her and explaining adult situations may help. I remember as a child my godfather (who I was very close to) had an explosive meltdown at a holiday/birthday or something like that. He was bi-polar and was having a manic episode. I was 7. I didn't understand why the man who I looked up to, who showered me with attention and love was suddenly calling my sister and I spoiled, ungrateful brats (although he used a more colorful term).... I just remember running outside, and hiding in the treehouse until I knew he had left. He didn't discuss his mental issues, nobody in the family did. I didn't see or speak to him until nearly 10 years later, when he was on medication to help stabilize his manic swings... Now, looking back, I wish somebody would have explained it all to me when I was younger so I didn't spend so many years holding on to anger and hate over something that he likely didn't mean. Anyway, just a thought... 

I know how hard it can be when people don't understand you or your feelings (mental/physical/emotional). With kids, it is even more difficult. You don't want to expose them to too much and make them deal with adult issues at an early age, but you also may not want to shield them from it for too long. I find that when I am having an off day, I try to avoid friends and family, which is the exact opposite of what can cheer me up (aside from snuggling my pets/horses). I really enjoy a good cup of coffee or tea while soaking in a hot bath. After that, I am a bit more clear headed, I will journal my feelings and frustrations... If I am still feeling depressed, I go to my happy place #1 - the barn. I find that manual labor, mucking stalls, grooming horses to be busy tasks to help take up my time while allowing my brain to shut down and not think about anything but the task at hand. If that fails, I go to place #2 - a local coffee house. I know going out in public may not feel like the smartest thing, but I found that people watching, and creating ideas about what individuals are doing there, or maybe going through based on their actions helps me to stop thinking about myself. I know it sounds bizarre, but it can be really mentally distracting. If all else fails, I go home, take another bath, listen to classical music and snuggle my pets until I fall asleep. I have a process that works to get me out of that funk.. but it took years to develop. I really wish you luck in finding something that can help distract you from your own thoughts.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Several years ago, after leaving a very good paying, but very demanding job, I went to the doctor and he offered me some happy pills.

While I was waiting for blood to be drawn I sat down next to a very old guy.....we started talking....

I got the best advice from him for free......

"Take a long walk every day, go to church on sunday, and I recon everything will be just fine."

I do a 9round workout three times a week. It's amazing how much better I feel after beating a heavy bag for 30 minutes to an hour.

If your not exercising, your missing out on something that could help.

I also go to church every sunday....seldom miss a sunday. Just being around a group of up beat positive people is also amazing. Maybe church isn't for you, but socialize with people. Get out, meet some people, and just talk to them....about anything.....

I've found, that often, the simplest, most over looked things, can help the most.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

gunslinger said:


> Several years ago, after leaving a very good paying, but very demanding job, I went to the doctor and he offered me some happy pills.
> 
> While I was waiting for blood to be drawn I sat down next to a very old guy.....we started talking....
> 
> ...


I'm getting exercise with 4 kids home all day on the weekends hard not to. No matter how cold it is they want to go outside ride horses, and go for nature walks. Spent a good part of our day yesterday with a colicing horse. Had vet out twice finally after last vet visit horse started to get better. So between horse and kids i had no time for computer time yesterday.

I do usually go to church every sunday,not today as we are getting a snow storm,roads are not good so i am staying home. Had a better day yesterday being busy all day.Still in that fog/light headed/ tired deal that hasn't eased up yet. But lowering dose isn't an option so doctor told me ,as long as the suicidal thoughts are there meds have to stay at the current dose. The meds keep those thought under control but they aren't gone. 

Need to get out to feed horses and check on the gelding who coliced yesterday,he was eating hay at 4 am check so that is good.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I have nothing new to add other than still here and still care.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Hang in there. We're all rooting for you because we've probably all felt pretty low at some point in our lives. Things will get better in time. Glad to hear your horse appears to be doing better.


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## Fimargue (Jun 19, 2015)

The thing is when your brain is really low on serotonin, you are not physically able to exercise. I had some useless doctor who told me exactly this, in other words "why don't you try harder?". I wanted to tell her why don't you get another profession. 

Of course exercising helps - I'm happier and sleep better when I had a really physical day out with horses, but it is not where to start when you have depression.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Glad the day was a better one.....

Staying busy is one way to keep your mind off your problems!


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Thought i'd update, still having a lot of issues with meds causing extreme tiredness light headed being foggy minded. Struggled to get my password on here changed. Finally got it done with help from my 13 year old. I just couldn't do it what was simple, seemed very difficult to me. I'm plugging along slowly trying to be the mom i was before depression.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

Good to see an update here. I'm sorry it's still not going awesome. Keep going and keep updating, darlin' :hug:


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yes, glad for the update. Everyday's a blessing. You're going to beat this.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Figured i'd update. Still in that state of fog lightheaded and just so tired. But i push through it daily because i need to get stuff done,my kids need their mom. Takes me longer to get things done, but i do finally accomplish doing laundry,dishes, cleaning house and taking care of the horse's. Then doing stuff with kids once they get home. Making dinner and helping kids with homework, which i hadn't done for some time now.

Going to be a really nice day high of 41 degrees so when the kids get home we plan on riding horse's. Hopefully this week meds can be lowered in dosage. Will be finding out at weds appointment.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Remember to find some time to treat yourself to something you like. It can be something as simple as watching some Netflix movie that only YOU would like. Or, insisting on going out to dinner. Or, a hot bath, or something sweet that is not shared.

when your kids are small enough to need so much of your focus, it can feel as is that's ALL you are meant for; other people's needs. And, then you get into the place where you realize how you NEVER get things all done, and how inadequate one can start to feel.


A teacher recently told me that I have a very negative 'internal voice', and I am so hard on myself. She said, when the internal voice is talking about itself (about you), ask yourself three questions about each negative statement . . . 1. Is it true? really true? or is it hyperbole? 2. Is it kind? or is it meanspirited, meant to hurt someone? 3. Is it helpful? Is saying that going to affect any change for the better?

Just answering the last two is enough for me, as I don't want to get into self argument over whether or not some internal comment is true or not.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

One day at a time Rambo.....live in the moment....

Glad you've updated.....I've been a bit worried about you.

I'm also glad today is better....hopefully tomorrow will even be better.....

Hang in there...


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

@rambo99 , At this point it's been several weeks - you shouldn't still be having the initial issues and should be feeling some relief. Usually most anti-depressant pills have kind of a euphoria period at the beginning which slowly edges down. I think the medication you are on may not be right for you if it's causing this much disruption to your life. 

Remember that it's not supposed to drug you into a stupor, it's supposed to help you live a more normal life. The fact that your children notice that you are not yourself is most telling to me. 

Can you call on a friend, family member, or understanding person in your life who can be an advocate for you if you need it? It might help to have them help you record what you are experiencing on a daily basis, even if they just text you and say "How are you feeling?". You might also consider copy/pasting your comments here (along with dates) to a Word document that you can take with you to your doctor.

Hang in there. I've been down this road several times, it can be bumpy but it's worth it in the end.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

I really like that you're updating. Please do! I read this thread everyday to see. 

How are you today? (timezones get me mixed up. I'm ahead of you right?)

I wanted to add that, as you know many of us have been through something horrific and don't get the support we need, let alone deserve. It was only when I started working as a nurse (training still) how I truly began able to forgive myself for my DAILY FAILURES when I was at my lowest. I worked on a maternity ward and SO many mothers, raging with hormones, would be utterly crippled with the struggle of breastfeeding. It seemed stupid to me, an outsider, that they would get so upset. It's NOT A BIG DEAL. It really isn't. Sometimes their body just isn't up to the task and we have so many ways to get around it. But noooooooooooooo. It was the end of the world. 

Then I realised every single day that I failed to complete the most minor of tasks, like getting out of bed, I'd also feel just as helpless and it would feel like the end of the world and the word "end" just stuck in my head. You know what I mean. The battle to complete ANY task was just too much and finally I treated myself like a patient. I took a deep breath and said "you know what? It's OK that I failed X today. There is always tomorrow." I started feeling happier that at least when I wake up next time I had another chance. And rambo99 you have many chances ahead of you. Take as many attempts as you need. I don't have kids but I have too many animals - during my darkest times I remember crawling on the floor and pouring water into their bowls, struggling to find the energy to syringe feed a special reptile or clip a birds beak. I don't know how I did it. Rambo99 you are still looking after your kids. You are still THERE. It is MORE than enough for them - believe me. Be proud that you have energy and support enough to ensure your kids are looked after. It is a lot more consideration than some ever receive. It is enough. It is ok. You can stay in bed and take 5 hours to get up. It's OK. As long as you are trying - even if it's just trying _in your mind_ it is enough for that day. Just keep trying but don't beat yourself up if you fail the "doing" part. But reading your more recent posts you've been doing way way way more than the bare minimum so huge huge props to you. You should celebrate your courage!

My uncle, who I mentioned before, was on strong medication for a long time to suppress the voices in his head following years of hard heroin abuse. He too, wondered it life was worth living in the fog. In fact, he would be so emotionally suppressed that he would drool and forget to use to loo. It bothered him so much that his intimate life was suffering for it as well. He didn't feel like a proper person, much less a man. It is a serious balancing act, anti-depressants. It also takes months to see if there are any results or side effects. If you can set yourself one goal it is to take them at the same time every day - THIS IS VERY VERY IMPORTANT. 

It often feels like under the fog there is a monster. But under it, there is also hope. You might feel like maybe you're better off without the anti-depressants and it's claustrophobic ways. If you really see no improvement I would really, REALLY push to get a second opinion Rambo. Hopefully a lowered dosage will help. Just enough, not too much. 

I want to say look on the bright side, be happy. But that's cliche. Just get through the day - there's going to be another! <3


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)




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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

rambo99 said:


> Struggled to get my password on here changed. Finally got it done with help from my 13 year old. I just couldn't do it what was simple, seemed very difficult to me.


I don't know that this has anything to do with your depression as much as it has to do with technology being a massive PITA. I often find myself asking the neighbor's kid for help with "simple" technology things (yeah - simple to her!).

You got it done - that is the important thing. Give yourself credit. Small steps not giant leaps.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Mulefeather said:


> @rambo99 , At this point it's been several weeks - you shouldn't still be having the initial issues and should be feeling some relief. Usually most anti-depressant pills have kind of a euphoria period at the beginning which slowly edges down. I think the medication you are on may not be right for you if it's causing this much disruption to your life.
> 
> Remember that it's not supposed to drug you into a stupor, it's supposed to help you live a more normal life. The fact that your children notice that you are not yourself is most telling to me.
> 
> ...


Yes I could copy paste this to show to doctor my post not entire thread. I do have a freind who checks in every day. She told me same thing shouldn't still be in the foggy minded lightheadedness and very tired state. 

Day to day task are difficult my kids see the struggles I'm having. They've been really good to help with all that needs done. Husband been doing cooking dinner 2 oldest kids help clean up load dishwasher. And put stuff away.

My youngest begs me every morning to take her to catch school bus. So I drag my tired self out of bed get dressed and take her to bus. She hugs me and tells me momma your the best mom ever. 

Got plenty of support, just hard getting myself out of this dark hole I'm in. I push myself to do stuff don't always succee,d some days only manage to get animals fed. 

Did do some horse back riding with kids. Then we brushed manes tails...and cut bridle paths. Cleaned out run in shed put more shavings in it. Its starting to get wet with the snow melt. 

South side of main barn has water coming in. Puddles on mats kids took shovel and scooped water up...into a muck bucket. They hauled out two muck buckets of water. 

Hubby went and bought them their favorite ice cream. We had ice cream and brownies after dinner tonight. That was their treat for being so helpful. 

Meant to update over weekend but totally forgot. Thank you everyone, I truly appreciate the kind words and encouragement.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

So happy you got to spend some time with your family and horses! BTW, your mention of brownies and ice cream has got me drooling ;-)


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## findinghappy (Feb 24, 2018)

Long time lurker here, I just started my journal today actually. Your's is the first thread that I've come across that I feel I had to comment on, in 3 years of lurking. 

Firstly, I am so so sorry for your loss. No words that anyone says can take the pain of losing them away, and so many people get very awkward around or because of death. Everyone handles death in a different way. I cannot fix it, but I can sympathize, and am truly sorry.

I do understand about your depression and your feeling suicidal. I myself am diagnosed with bipolar, severe social anxiety, and a condition called chronic suicidal ideation. I have very big ups. I have even worse downs. My brain tells me I should die, every single day, whether it's a good day or bad. So here are some thoughts I have, maybe a slightly obscure perspective from most here on things that *I* do, to see daylight tomorrow.

*Cry. Trust me. Everyone says crying doesn't solve anything, but honestly, giving myself the permission to cry has been very freeing. I'm a big girl, and if I am sad, upset, angry etc and I need to cry, I give myself permission to do so. It's OK to feel.

*Vitamins and sunshine. Take B vitamin supplements and get some sunshine. Even if you sit on the porch on a cloudy day, it will help you produce vitamins that do help you feel better. 

*Post it notes. My house is covered with these. Every reason I can think of both good and bad for having to be alive for tomorrow. Feed the dog, check the mail, order DVDs, horse kisses, eating cake, yelling at rude bratty kids, ANYTHING it takes to jog your brain to wanting to live just 1 more day.

*Adult coloring books. Get some markers, sit at a table and color. Every single time I've been in inpatient treatment, this is the only activity they allow patients. It's mindless, but it's focused. Stay in the lines, choose the color, choose the pictures, and just go. Even outside of treatment centers, I keep my box of color books, gel pens, markers, color pencils. Turn on some music, and instantly feel better. (Maybe kids had a good thing going all along?)

There are other things that I do, but most important things have been said. Find some form of support and some way to keep going, but do not push yourself. *Things take time.* 

On a side note, if you might be bipolar instead of just depressed, depression meds will just make your condition worse. . . Things I found out the hard way. I wish you all the very best.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Doctors appointment one Wednesday didn't go well. Doctor wasn't willing to let me change meds. So I quit takings the meds. Can't live in a fog being extremely tired and the light handedness. 

Been off meds now 2 days less tired lightheadedness is gone as is the foggy minded part. Not doing great but getting through one day at a time. 

Therapist isn't happy with my quitting the meds. I have kids and husband who need me. Even showing doctor what I had posted here...didn't matter. 

I'm struggling more now off meds.So not sure quitting them was a good choice. No not bipolar. Was fine before I went through finding both parents dead, mom was first my dad was several months later. 

Have done some riding with the kids. 2 of the younger kids have been sick with the flu. 

Thought I should update this since it's been 4 days.


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## gottatrot (Jan 9, 2011)

I will not advise you on quitting antidepressants against medical advice.
However, I will tell you that it is a very bad idea to quit antidepressants cold turkey. Even if you decide the side effects are too bad and you want to quit, your brain chemicals can get very messed up if you quit cold turkey. The best way to stop an antidepressant is to gradually decrease the dose over a couple of weeks. 

Most of the drugs increase brain chemicals like seratonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. The physical effects on your brain from taking away these chemicals suddenly can cause you to go into more severe depression or become suicidal. It can also induce panic attacks. This is far worse than feeling a bit foggy for a few more days while discontinuing the meds more slowly. I'd suggest if you must go off the meds, that you take a lesser dose and taper off over a few days. Even if you've been off the meds for a couple of days you are still at risk to feel the effects of discontinuing the meds suddenly.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

Uh... trainee nurse here. Please PLEASE do not quit your meds cold turkey. If you absolutely HAVE to you need to reduce the dose slowly over many weeks, NOT slap your system in the face with a pork chop! Also you have the RIGHT to quit your medication under the guidance of your doctor. He can only advise you not to but is professionally compelled to assist and make the process as easy for you. If you HAVE to quit. Do it with his guidance. Please. Often when patients go cold turkey like you it really messes with your system and can have some drastic, life altering effects. You know what I mean. That isn't YOU, rambo99 that is your SICKNESS and imbalances. And it wont be forever, I promise. There will come a time when you are ready but maybe that isn't yet. That is perfectly OK. 

It is very common that you feel strong enough on the meds to quit them as you can forget what the "real" pain is like underneath the fog. I fully sympathise. I really do understand I've been there - I witnessed the horrible deaths of two loved one's in person and held them in my arms. You know this. I am on anti-anxiety, having therapy and on a hormone pill. We all go through the same motions same crap everyday. Together.

PLEASE RETURN TO TAKING YOUR NORMAL DOSE and seek the guidance of your doctor if you are absolutely set on quitting. However, I urge you to get assistance and TRAVEL HOURS if you HAVE to, to get a second opinon. Rambo99 you deserve whatever it takes to get a second opinion. Whatever the cost or time you need it ASAP as you are clearly backed into a corner. There is hope but only if you seek a fresh pair of eyes attached to a different brain. 

Well done for getting out but be careful, please. I have seen the side effects FIRST HAND and rarely is the victim aware of the needless suffering that they endure. xx


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

I quit med because doctor just wouldn't budge on lowering dose.Or help with getting off meds. Was pretty much told I need to be on them. I feel ok so far but I stopped meds yesterday, so not quite 2 days. Doctor gave a new prescription for 3 more refills. I didn't get it filled. I told doctor I would quit taking meds, he advised not to. Was told pretty much what was said here. 

I can start taking meds again..but really like not being tired foggy minded and lightheadedness. yes I can get another opinion there are 3 other doctors so I could choose one and get appointment. 

Suicidal thoughts are a little more there then when on meds. Not horrible but it's there.I feel in control of my emotions though. I know not smart to cold turkey it but I was tired of being tired.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

The only issue is the cold turkey, when it hits you, makes you not you. So there is a risk that if it does, and I hope it doesn't, happen you'll lose some of your faculties in the ensuing chaos. I'm pretty bummed that your doctor held fast on that but sometimes they are so set on protecting their own asses they forget about the right to choose the less advised path if we, the patient, decide to. I'm glad you can see another doctor. I do not blame you for being fed up of the sedated, detached state you lived. It protects you from everything, including happiness and alertness. Please seek help and if at anytime there is a blip or something triggers you at most get immediate help from a loved one and at the very least you know you can reach out here. x


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Kalraii said:


> The only issue is the cold turkey, when it hits you, makes you not you. So there is a risk that if it does, and I hope it doesn't, happen you'll lose some of your faculties in the ensuing chaos.


Now that's scary to think I could have that happen.. think I'll go back on meds. Guess living in a fog being tiered and lightheaded, is better then losing it mentally. I've got my kids don't want them, to witness mom going off the deep end. 


Yes living in a fog sucks & I hate it. Going to take my meds now. Thanks for talking sense into me, yeah I feel in control now. I suppose it could change.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

Definitely - It can be scary. I think you're right in that there needs to be adjustments - there is absolutely no reason you need to stick to this single option, it's not true, especially if you're "with it" enough to be unhappy and detached. A balance can be found but it is a lengthy, time consuming process. Proceed with caution and do not take any single professional at face value. Shop around and see what can be done. And for the record you ARE in control right now, clearly, so there's that


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

How many doctors have you seen? I'm thinking, maybe a second opinion is in order?

Praying for you Rambo99.....hang in there.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

gunslinger said:


> How many doctors have you seen? I'm thinking, maybe a second opinion is in order?
> 
> Praying for you Rambo99.....hang in there.


This is the second doctor I've been too. I feel horrible this morning. So tired very foggy minded and the light headedness is bad today. Thank you, really appreciate the prayers.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

Good work on taking the meds again, even though they make you feel terrible. I second finding another doctor.

Hang in there, Rambo, my friend. <3


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## findinghappy (Feb 24, 2018)

There are so many medications out there. It sounds to me like you are needing a medication change. You should get a relief of you symptoms, without feeling quite so terrible. Every medication had side effects, it's just a matter of finding a medication that has side effects you can live with. The depression meds normal so make you feel brain heavy though. . . Feel better soon.


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## Greenmeadows (May 8, 2016)

I don't have the right words to tell you but just wanted to let you know that you still got a fight left in you. There is hope, even in the midst of darkness and turmoil. Here is one of my favorite poems by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow that might help to brighten your day! 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
“Life is but an empty dream!”
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
“Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Finds us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,--act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing
Learn to labor and to wait.


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## Fimargue (Jun 19, 2015)

Is it possible to take half dose? I know if I take the dose prescribed I'm like zombie, so I take half of the pill. Pretty much always been like that and my depression was really bad.

It's no life either to live in the fog.

I quit my meds (lowest dose possible) couple of times and went straight back to hell couple days after.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Greenmeadows said:


> I don't have the right words to tell you but just wanted to let you know that you still got a fight left in you. There is hope, even in the midst of darkness and turmoil. Here is one of my favorite poems by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow that might help to brighten your day!
> 
> Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
> “Life is but an empty dream!”
> ...



Thank you for the poem, really like it.





Fimargue said:


> Is it possible to take half dose? I know if I take the dose prescribed I'm like zombie, so I take half of the pill. Pretty much always been like that and my depression was really bad.
> 
> It's no life either to live in the fog.
> 
> I quit my meds (lowest dose possible) couple of times and went straight back to hell couple days after.


I could try taking a half pill see how it goes. I wasn't off my meds long enough to get bad. I struggled through the day.

Kids begged and pleaded for me to go horse back riding. So I went got my horse and bridled him and got on bareback. The two older kids rode we took an hour ride on snow covered trails. Was 48 degrees so nice out with that though barn getting pretty wet. 

Horse's shelter is flooding, has puddles in it. Kids did scoop a lot of water out of it. But more just keeps coming in. Now were in for rain tomorrow then rain changing over to snow. 


So the day was ok even in my fog and lightheadedness being tired. Some how being on my horse helped me feel like I was living in reality. Something has to change med wise I can't continue to live as i am. But I can't be suicidal either so there's a fine line there. 

Tomorrow is church so I'll get up and go...kids want to go also. So I'm sure they'll get me motivated to get up and get going.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Church is a good idea.....I find a lot of comfort there.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I'm with those that say find another opinion. Research the meds you are taking and see if there are alternative doses. Do some research on your own about what other meds are out there or ask for someone trusted to help you. My husband went through several dosage increases and then additional meds and for years was miserable. We looked at all the options and it meant a change in Drs and I had to go in with him but that made a difference. It wasn't perfect but it meant rethinking everything because at this point he was on 4 different meds - all maxed out dosage wise. Now he is on two at much lower levels. Can you talk to your therapist and get help from him/her or is this person perhaps part of what is keeping you on the meds you are on with their reports to your Dr that does the prescribing?

I am so glad to see you are actively posting and updating. You are making an effort and that means the world. ((((RAMBO))))


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Therapist is the one keeping meds the same not wanting it changed. So I found out today at appointment. I had a melt down while at appointment because of therapist not wanting to change meds for me. I wasn't nice I used the f bomb several times. 

Told her my life is living hell on these meds I can barely function most days. It fell on def ears her response was it will get better. No it hasn't gotten better I struggle through every stinken day ,every stinken hour I'm awake.

I go through the motions that's about it, that takes every ounce of effort I have. Will see what she does now after today's session. I left very angry very upset I want meds changed so I can have my life back. 

Was a crappy day I did nothing after appointment. I'm tired of being tired. Tired of living in a constant fog tired of the lightheadedness. How hard is it to change meds or even just discuss it..come up with a plan. None of that was even mentioned.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

I feel for you. It is akin to suffocating I've had many patients and my uncle say it's like being trapped underwater but with no way out. Even went as far as to say he might be better off without - which we all know RATIONALLY isn't the answer. It is the exact reason many people come off them - they either feel better/stronger or it's a catch 22. It takes absolutely MONTHS before everything balances out and usually things get worse before they get better. I would definitely try to get that second opinion still. Have they not yet give you a timescale or how they want to proceed? Have they just so far said "take this, it'll make you feel better" but without any guidance as to what the next step IS provided the medication does work? So you can say "it'll take maybe half a year before positives start showing and at that point we're going to really begin processing the deeper issues"? It sounds like you need to know what the next step is before you're also willing to subject yourself to this misery while waiting for it to properly take effect? 

Am glad you're still riding and doing stuff with the kids. You have immense strength to do that as you are. x


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Kalraii said:


> I feel for you. It is akin to suffocating I've had many patients and my uncle say it's like being trapped underwater but with no way out. Even went as far as to say he might be better off without - which we all know RATIONALLY isn't the answer. It is the exact reason many people come off them - they either feel better/stronger or it's a catch 22. It takes absolutely MONTHS before everything balances out and usually things get worse before they get better. I would definitely try to get that second opinion still. Have they not yet give you a timescale or how they want to proceed? Have they just so far said "take this, it'll make you feel better" but without any guidance as to what the next step IS provided the medication does work? So you can say "it'll take maybe half a year before positives start showing and at that point we're going to really begin processing the deeper issues"? It sounds like you need to know what the next step is before you're also willing to subject yourself to this misery while waiting for it to properly take effect?
> 
> Am glad you're still riding and doing stuff with the kids. You have immense strength to do that as you are. x


Therapist said it could be 5 to 6 months before I feel better. That's a long time to live like I'm currently living. Only thing that keeps me here...going are my kids and husband. 

Would be real easy to do myself in that thought has been there a lot. 

Therapist said the process isn't fast digging a little deeper, into the issues every appointment. I'm just frustrated with it all. 

No riding today very windy and snowy. So watched a movie with kids tonight. They love the movie flicka so that's what we watched.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

rambo99 said:


> Therapist is the one keeping meds the same not wanting it changed. So I found out today at appointment. I had a melt down while at appointment because of therapist not wanting to change meds for me. I wasn't nice I used the f bomb several times.
> 
> Told her my life is living hell on these meds I can barely function most days. It fell on def ears her response was it will get better. No it hasn't gotten better I struggle through every stinken day ,every stinken hour I'm awake.
> 
> ...


Wow, what is it about the medicine she's giving you that makes her want to stay the course?

Did she say how long she expected you to try it before she looks for something else?

I know that wasn't the answer you were looking for.....but hang in there a few more days and see if she's right.....

I'm pulling for you.....asking god to help you....


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

Then time for an override from your Dr and a new therapist. That is not uncommon. In 14 years we have been through 7 therapists. One he kept for 7 years and he "cycled" out. She said had he not just held the status quo and either gotten better or worse she could have continued working with him but after the initial gains and then no change for years and falling back into old habits it was time as he felt she went from a crutch (which she never intended to be) to an excuse. One decided all of his anxiety and his major depression were brought on by me and excused all of his behavior. Another that could have turned him around was harsh in his approach and because he had climbed out of a similar hole could see too much my husband wanted to keep hidden. It's been a h*ll of a ride. 

You're open, honest and working. It is time for someone that works with you and for you, not against you. 

I've learned that no matter how good a therapist is for some it may not be the right fit for you or your situation. Too bad there isn't a Match.com for therapists. Not that you get to pick your own form the many but that you would be paired with the few and then make a better choice instead of the hit and miss that is the status quo.


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## Fimargue (Jun 19, 2015)

Did you try the half dose? I swear with me it's a big difference. I can't believe they are not hearing you to change meds.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

I've been taking a 1/2 pill so half a dose. I'm still having same effects from it. Tempted to just stop taking the meds but tapper off them. There are a few other therapist I could try so will make some calls. 5 to 6 months to feel normal better....seems a long time to me. 

I just can't do the foggy lightheadedness and being tired day in and day out. Dr nor therapist will hear of it or are willing to work with me. I've asked to have meds changed 4 different times....my request are totally ignored or ment with it will get better. I've got kids who need their mom not a zombie. I manage to do somethings with kids they seem ok with it.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Hey Rambo99.....how's things?


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I'm with Gunslinger. Checking in. How're you doing?


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

I found a new therapist and a new doctor. Both are highly recommend. Only thing is first appointment not till April 17th for therapist he's booked that far out.Doctor can't get in till April 26th. Skipped last therapist appointment, was to tired an unable to get up to go. Been a less then great week, but I keep going no matter how hard it is.

Still having issues with being foggy lightheadedness and tired...that's on a half pill which is 50 mg. 

Haven't done any horseback riding for almost a week now. The one horse lost weight this winter so is quite thin. Trying to get weight back on him so backed off on the riding him.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Glad to see you found a new doctor and therapist! It might not seem like it, but you're making great progress. That "hurry up and wait" stage feels like it takes forever, doesn't it? 

Asking you to wait 5-6 months to feel better is absolutely ludicrous in my book. It shouldn't take more than a few weeks to start noticing a difference in how you feel when on a proper medication regimen. It has never taken me more than 30 days to start feeling a difference, but YMMV of course. 

I was on a medication called Celexa for a while, unfortunately it did not mesh well with my ADHD medication and turned me into a complete space cadet. I have a very good psychiatrist though, and she is very open to changing and managing medications if one is truly not working. The one I am on now, Cymbalta, has a few side effects that I don't care for - namely, being very sensitive to heat and sweating a lot - but that's all stuff I can live with and manage. Sometimes there are trade-offs (like living with being sweaty more often to be able to function well), but you don't have to settle for a medication that flat-out makes you feel like crud. 

If you find yourself having a hard time while waiting for a therapist, there are a lot of great online therapists/apps now that allow you to chat with a therapist from your phone. They're all licensed therapists/counselors, and often you can get 4-5 sessions with an online therapist for the cost of one in-person session- plus it helps if you are having a hard time with energy levels. It's no replacement for true in-person talk therapy, but it certainly makes help much more accessible while you are waiting for your doctor. 

One other thing I might suggest is trying a low-carbohydrate diet such as Keto, making sure to get lots of Medium Chain Triglycerides (MCT) in your diet. That can be as simple as putting a tablespoon or two of coconut oil in a cup of coffee in the morning. I find that I feel MUCH better when I am avoiding high amounts of carbohydrates and eating plenty of healthy fats. 

YMMV, of course, but the way of eating was developed for children with neurological/seizure disorders, so there is a large body of evidence suggesting benign dietary ketosis has positive effects on brain function and mood.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Mulefeather said:


> Glad to see you found a new doctor and therapist! It might not seem like it, but you're making great progress. That "hurry up and wait" stage feels like it takes forever, doesn't it?
> 
> Asking you to wait 5-6 months to feel better is absolutely ludicrous in my book. It shouldn't take more than a few weeks to start noticing a difference in how you feel when on a proper medication regimen. It has never taken me more than 30 days to start feeling a difference, but YMMV of course.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the info on the online therapist I didn't know about that. I don't eat alot of carbohydrates have always kept that very low in diet. Same with sugars keep it at a minimum. 

I think I'll be ok with no therapist for now. Just my state of being tired foggy minded & lightheadedness. I manage to get through the day. Got kids ,hubby and the critters so gotta keep going. 

Can't wait till appointments in April hopefully it goes good. I seriously need my life back.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Just a quick update. I started taking a 1/4 of a pill to see if foggy, lightheaded and tiredness would ease up a bit. Seems to be somewhat better not great but a bit more doable. Might also be i'm pushing through it and getting up even though i really really don't want to. Kids keep me going they need want things it seems only mom can do. 
My 13 year old has been so helpful she gets up 30 minutes early. Just so she can go feed horses before school. I never asked her to do that she just started doing morning feeding. Other 3 kids have been keeping their rooms clean and dirty laundry put in hamper,that is an accomplishment.! I'm so proud of them their just doing their chores and not having to be reminded or asked.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Great kids! Count your blessings.....

Hope....what can I say.....it's powerful......

You'll soon find some joy......I do believe.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Hey Rambo....How's things?

Better I hope!


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

Yes, much better I hope. Update please.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Here's an update for those wanting one. Been keeping busy with riding and kids weather is finally decent enough snow is melting so dirt road is almost clear of ice snow now. Still issues with meds but that will be changing soon enough.Just have to push through it dailey some days are better than others. Having to go out 2 times a day to feed hay now as it is getting to muddy wet to put out big bales. Just end up with way to much waste putting out bales this time of year.

Not only that my hay supply is getting low only 6 big rounds left. road restrictions are on now so hay guy can't bring a load of hay. Should be ok, usually i have enough till june although i have fewer bales than last year at this time. Last week was tough our one dog became really sick thought we were going to lose him. It turned out he had lyme disease wasn't a clear yep it's lyme. Vet had to do a CBC that showed it was possibly lyme. So vet sent home a weeks worth of doxy said dog should improve greatly in 48 hours if we were dealing with lyme disease. Saw huge improvement in 24 hours so that was a huge relief,so got the rest of doxy to do 30 days of treatment. 358$ dollars worth of vet bill and medicine. 

Today i'm really on a low meds are making it tough today more so than other days. Guess having a headache doesn't help took some pain meds so hopefully it helps soon. With 4 kids it's hard to not be busy and just push through foggy/ lightheaded very tired drug induced feelings. Tried going off the meds wasn't a good idea i got suicidal within 3 days being off meds can't go there not with kids who need their mom. My husband was quick to see things were going south, so made me take meds that night. I'm plugging away every day taking one day at a time. 

I am on here off and on but don't always check this thread.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

The dog one on bed was when he was sick,other pic is when he started feeling much better.


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## Werecat (Aug 23, 2015)

I want to start by expressing my deepest, most sincere condolences. Losing not only one parent, but both so close together must be the most difficult experience to endure. I just want to put it out there, even though we are all miles away and some of us (right now) barely know each other, you are not alone. Throughout my life I've dealt with varying degrees of depression and anxiety, and having my friends (who mostly were far away, but only a phone call away), helped tremendously. I actually met some of my most dear friends that helped me through some difficult times on a forum, one that was designed around dogs; not much different than this one!

As for medication, I am on a maintenance dose of Zoloft, and whenever I have gone off or on it, or had my doses adjusted, I always felt icky for a few weeks. Mainly the first week it made my stomach feel bad, and then until things started to level out, I started to feel better. I can't be more than on a small dose, because it makes me extremely restless at night and I can't sleep.

If it's been more than a month, you may want to talk to your prescribing doctor about trying either a lower dose, or a different medication all together. Depending on the person, some people can have bad reactions to some medications. For instance, Wellbutrin does NOT agree with me, it gave me such bad anxiety attacks it was unbearable. Plus some other nasty unpleasant side effects that were not tolerable long term. Actually, it made the anxiety so bad, that I went to the ER one night because I was convinced that something was terribly wrong.

With all the different medications that are available, don't settle for one that makes you feel sedated, if it makes you feel that way, it's not the right one for you!

Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever need someone to talk to; you aren't alone.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

I actually fed my last round roll yesterday, but hay's plentiful this year.....Oh what a difference a year makes right? Last year we couldn't find a roll of hay within a hundred miles of here.....

Kind of like your situation.....hopefully, the bounties of life will become more apparent....as the days pass.

I heard a quote the other day.....don't remember from who, but they said, "one positive is better than a thousand negatives."

Keep your chin up girl.....you have way more than one positive.....just focus on the positives....think good thoughts. Live life for the moment....don't look back....and don't look forward right now......just enjoy the moment. One day at a time.

You'll be happy soon......I'm sure of it.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Hey Rambo.....what's up? You good?


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

I've been thinking about you lately as well, Rambo. Wondering how things are going. How's life? The family? Horses?


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

gunslinger said:


> Hey Rambo.....what's up? You good?


Doing ok waiting for appts to finally get here seems like it's taking forever. Went riding today the young gelding was naughty got a bit broncy,dumped my 13 year old daughter. So i had to get on him and straighten him out he still had a bit of an attitude i didn't like. So will see how he does tomorrow, i will be riding him not daughter i don't trust him now. So he's going back into the gag bit and the anti grazing strap that keeps them from getting head down. He gets the spring sillys every year, but has to be let known it's not acceptable to bronc, no matter how good you feel. He scared my daughter pretty bad she doesn't want to ride him now.

Winter doesn't want to let it's grip go here, in a winter storm watch starting tomorrow. In for windy snowy condition and then cold temps. Got 5 inches of snow think it was monday, that melted and is gone just made a muddy wet mess. 

I am having issues with meds making me sick to my stomach that's new in last few days. The foggy light headedness and tired are still the same. But i just make up my mind i'm getting up and going to do, what needs done. Some days are better than others good days are slowly out doing the bad days. I find getting to church on sunday really helps for the week ahead. Just makes for a better monday for all of us. 

Helps i have really good kids who are very helpful,yeah they can be kids and not do what's asked. Or complain and drag their feet to get stuff done. But for most part they are very well behaved.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Glad to get an update from you @Rambo! Kudos for still getting out and doing things. 

Yes, winter is still hanging on here. I had to laugh at the idea of grazing and "spring sillys" since any idea of grass is still several inches (in some places feet) under snow and ice. It's hard on everyone. I think my gelding gets SAD in the winter. He picks up a bit when the weather improves, but their movements are still so limited. Everyone here is feeling it. We can't ride because of the ice and snow, and even the horses feel their movements are very limited in the icy paddocks. Hopefully conditions will improve soon for everyone, and you will start to feel a bit of energy from the sun and warmth. 

I also wanted to say that I really admire and envy you having the guts to get on a horse that just threw your 13 year old! I wish I could do that. My 13 year old is a far better rider than me (even though I still play the adult), so if she couldn't ride her horse, I don't know that I could do a better job. I bet you just got a lot of cred in her eyes! 

Sorry you feel sick on top of being light-headed. I really hope it gets better soon. There are many of us thinking of you. Take care.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

Nice going straightening out the gelding! I'm a little cautious with my horses right now as well as they get the spring sillies too. Even when, as @Acadianartist said, there's still a good foot of snow on the ground.

Hope you feel even better soon!


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

JoBlueQuarter said:


> Nice going straightening out the gelding! I'm a little cautious with my horses right now as well as they get the spring sillies too. Even when, as @Acadianartist said, there's still a good foot of snow on the ground.
> 
> Hope you feel even better soon!



We aren't snow free here yet riding the dirt road which is melted off,but still has snowy places. So have to walk horse's for parts of it. Trails are still snow covered not sure how deep yet, but guessing a good 7 to 8 inches yet. Only plowed places are melted off. And where horse's are in barnyard melted off mostly but still ice yet very slippery. 

No i'm not scared to get on a horse who's bucked someone off,my daughter is a good rider horse is just real good at losing his rider. She get scared real easy not my bravest kid that's ok when your scared your scared. I'll post a pic from today's ride here in a bit.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Here is a picture from today's ride after i got on naughty boy,and straightened him out. As you can see plenty of snow yet. More to come possibly up to 10 inches.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

rambo99 said:


> Here is a picture from today's ride after i got on naughty boy,and straightened him out. As you can see plenty of snow yet. More to come possibly up to 10 inches.


From the bit I see of your horse I already know he's gorgeous! I've always had a very soft part for palominos!  I think I got that from Roy Rogers and Trigger. :lol:


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yea, it's been a long winter here in Dixie too. Supposed to be near freezing tomorrow night.

I also go to church every sunday but find that isn't enough to get me through the week.....so I started going to a "lifegroup" which meets on Thursday nights.....and have found that gives me a spiritual boost I need to make it till sunday. I've been doing that for a couple of years now.

You've been given many blessings....good kids.....sounds like a great husband.....horses.....home......plenty to eat and much, much more.

Count your blessings every day, and thank god for all the way's he's blessed you. I don't know about you, but I pray when ever something causes me concern.....needless to say, I pray often during the day. 

Now if this weather doesn't go straight from winter to summer! I want a nice spring!

Hang in there!




rambo99 said:


> Winter doesn't want to let it's grip go here, in a winter storm watch starting tomorrow. In for windy snowy condition and then cold temps. Got 5 inches of snow think it was monday, that melted and is gone just made a muddy wet mess.
> 
> I find getting to church on sunday really helps for the week ahead. Just makes for a better monday for all of us.
> 
> Helps i have really good kids who are very helpful,yeah they can be kids and not do what's asked. Or complain and drag their feet to get stuff done. But for most part they are very well behaved.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

gunslinger said:


> Yea, it's been a long winter here in Dixie too. Supposed to be near freezing tomorrow night.
> 
> I also go to church every sunday but find that isn't enough to get me through the week.....so I started going to a "lifegroup" which meets on Thursday nights.....and have found that gives me a spiritual boost I need to make it till sunday. I've been doing that for a couple of years now.
> 
> ...


An update doing fairly good keeping busy so that really helps. Between kids and horses i don't have much spare time these days. Winter still hanging tight just won't warm up snow still on the ground and possibly more to come tomorrow. 

Last time we were able to ride was friday last week and dirt road had plenty of ice on it. Was quite the hair raising ride my horse slid down the one hill because it was so slippery. Couldn't get him to go off onto the snow at the edge of dirt road. There is a drop off that goes down probably 5 to 6 feet down and horse was having no part, of riding on that edge. That's the 5 year old gelding i was on,other horse got off the ice and rode the edge near the drop off. My 13 year old Abbie was on horse who rode the edge she did an good job staying calm. Her horse took good care of her,one wrong step and it could of been bad news. Other 3 kids didn't go riding that day just as well.


The 5 year old gelding doesn't seem to feel good. He's very quiet and spending a lot of time inside shelter,still eating hay but not as much. I see him standing in shelter when others are at bale. I put his blanket on thinking he was cold but made no change. No fever no real signs of illness just NQR. Was super quiet when we rode friday unlike him. 

Just plugging along getting stuff done,helps to have support of great kids and a husband.


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## 6gun Kid (Feb 26, 2013)

I did not read all the responses, but I have been dealing with clinical depression all my life. If your meds make you lightheaded and you don't feel like they are working, talk to your doc. There are more kinds of anti-depressants than there are kinds of antihistamines. I ought to know, I have been on all of them. Ultimately, as it turns out the SSRI's were the ticket for me. The best thing I did was see a Psychiatrist, an MD. Not a therapist. She told me something 15 years ago that changed my attitude in dealing with it. She told me it is not my fault that I have CD, but it is my responsibility. 
Find something that you feel gives you value, at first for me it was aquariums, making sure my (very) expensive saltwater tropical fish were cared for gave me a reason to get out of bed. At the time horses and cows were part of my job and they belonged to someone else. So it was a job, not fulfillment. Feel free, please, to pm if you need a sounding board, I have been dealing with this for 40 plus years and for the last 8 I have been med free. I have been there, so please know there is a way out, it can be a long and dark path, but there is a path! I promise you! Sure I still have bad days, usually in December and January, when the days are short and I don't have enough sunlight, But with each passing year they are fewer and further between. Leave the booze alone, eat healthy, stay positive (I know that seems all but impossible), and know that I am always here if you need help. If you dm me, I will send you my digits if you need a friendly voice of experience.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Please keep in mind that most anti-depressants (lamictal, lithium, Prozac etc) need approximately three weeks to build up a base in your body before you will experience noticeable affects. The doctor will typically start you on a very small dosage to monitor side affects. I take the three mentioned above along with clonazapan and propananol twice a day. All promote drowsiness, but I have built up a tolerance and don’t really notice a drop off. I would gladly trade a few naps for the dark depths of depression. I have suffered from manic/depression for over twenty years and have found that my manic states are just as debilitating if not more so. Your ego and self-confidence soar off the register until you you start the inevitable descent downwards. It can be a rather long fall. 

If you are experiencing a bit of drowsiness then it it is merely a sign that the medication is taking hold. Relax. You are going to feel better.

I promise.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

6gun Kid said:


> I did not read all the responses, but I have been dealing with clinical depression all my life. If your meds make you lightheaded and you don't feel like they are working, talk to your doc. There are more kinds of anti-depressants than there are kinds of antihistamines. I ought to know, I have been on all of them. Ultimately, as it turns out the SSRI's were the ticket for me. The best thing I did was see a Psychiatrist, an MD. Not a therapist. She told me something 15 years ago that changed my attitude in dealing with it. She told me it is not my fault that I have CD, but it is my responsibility.
> Find something that you feel gives you value, at first for me it was aquariums, making sure my (very) expensive saltwater tropical fish were cared for gave me a reason to get out of bed. At the time horses and cows were part of my job and they belonged to someone else. So it was a job, not fulfillment. Feel free, please, to pm if you need a sounding board, I have been dealing with this for 40 plus years and for the last 8 I have been med free. I have been there, so please know there is a way out, it can be a long and dark path, but there is a path! I promise you! Sure I still have bad days, usually in December and January, when the days are short and I don't have enough sunlight, But with each passing year they are fewer and further between. Leave the booze alone, eat healthy, stay positive (I know that seems all but impossible), and know that I am always here if you need help. If you dm me, I will send you my digits if you need a friendly voice of experience.


Thanks, have my good days and not so good days. Have doctor appointment coming up this coming week I think. Also a therapist appointment after that. Both new because neither ones I had would intertain changing meds for me. Been well over three weeks the side effects are not improving. I just push through it, kids need me so I push myself to do stuff.

Been very cold this last week so no riding horse's really not doing much outside. Chores are the extent of outside activities. ..that and putting wood in basement. Burn wood for heat. 

Meds I'm taking is Duloxtine 20 mgs twice a day. Making me nauseous expspcially in morning. So horse's don't get fed very early. Unless older daughter does chores before school, has done them. But requires her getting up at 5:30 am. She's been really tired recently so told her I'd do morning chores. 

Between kids, dogs and horse's it's very interesting around here. Younger kids are in bed by 8 pm older daughter goes to bed at 9 or 9:30pm. Husband does what he can but works long hours. Always makes time though to read or do something with the kids. Kids love dad time.

Tomorrow the kids are going with me to get horse feed. Their all in bed and told me they'll be ready to go....by 9 am. Then dads taking them out 4 wheeling they are all excited even though it cold out. 3 four wheelers youngest rides with dad other 3 ride their own wheelers. 

All where trained in young how to drive a 4 wheeler. ..dad loves his motorized toys. 

I'll pm you here tomorrow should have some free time of peace and quiet. Been a long rough road, getting better but not like I thought.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

Thought I'd give an updated since it has been a while. Had doctors appointment this morning going to change my meds here. Although meds I'm currently on side effects have lessened. Or I have gotten good at pushing through it. Whatever it is I'm not as tired or lightheaded and the foggyness is pretty much gone.

Doctor is going to decide which med would be best. Have appointment with new therapist here coming up med change will probably take place after that appointment. More then likely a new med will be added to current one.

I've been busy got living room painted took 3 days with husbands help. Finished it yesterday really looks nice feels good to have it done. 

Feeling a bit sad this morning as my computer crashed and I lost all my pictures. Some pictures are not replaceable like ones of my mom & dad. I was going to put the pictures on a disc but didn't get it done. Thought I had time but I didn't. Unfortunately time ran out you live and learn sometimes the hard way. 

So I'm having to post from my phone.Good thing I wrote down passwords for the different sights I visit. My computer had all passwords saved so I never had to type them in. On a good note weather is getting warmer so can do some riding this week.


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## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

A few general things that helped me during one serious, intense period of clinical depression, then later during lesser bouts that have happened during my life:

Rest if you need to rest, but if being active and doing things doesn't make you actually feel worse, be active and do things. Even if it doesn't make you feel better at the time, it will help over all because you'll feel more in control of your life and your actions.

If you can manage a change of scene, again without actually making yourself feel worse, then do that. Get out somewhere different for an hour or two, do something different. See a friend who understands your situation and who doesn't expect you to have to be "on" the whole time and pretending to me happy. If you can manage it, take a weekly class in something that's low stress but keeps you engaged. You don't have to do anything specific: just go somewhere else and "exist" there for a bit without your spouse and family.

Remember that depression lies to you, constantly. Are you familiar with the play Othello? Depression is your inner Iago. It convinces you of things that aren't true, but SEEM totally plausible. It manipulates you, distorts your reality, tries to bend you to its will. If you can identify the thoughts that are coming from the depression, you can tell them that you are not going to play their game.

Depression is also very physical for a lot of people, which people who don't suffer from it don't seem to understand. It can sap all your physical energy like having the flu. Nobody tells people with the flu to "adjust their attitude" when they're too sick to work or get out of bed, so be mindful of that and kind to yourself. At its worst, my depression made my entire body ache, and muscles in my neck and shoulders were constantly tense and nothing I could do would relax them.

Ultimately remember that it WILL pass. It could take weeks, months, or years, but you will have better days. When I was 19 I wanted to die, and I had some low years after that but by the time I was 23 I was very happy and my life has been really good. I've had bad times that have stretched over weeks or months, but in general my life is quite happy and I've learned to recognize and manage signs of depression before they consume me. And I know that if I DO get really bad again, I'll know it for what it is and that I can eventually make it out the other side.

For now pay attention to your baseline mood. The purpose of antidepressants is to elevate that baseline mood to a place where clearer thought and action are possible. But what we do with those thoughts and actions make a big difference to recovery, and it sounds like you're on a good path with that if you're still in therapy.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

rambo99 said:


> Feeling a bit sad this morning as my computer crashed and I lost all my pictures. Some pictures are not replaceable like ones of my mom & dad. I was going to put the pictures on a disc but didn't get it done. Thought I had time but I didn't. Unfortunately time ran out you live and learn sometimes the hard way.


Always glad to read more of your posts. I just wanted to say that you may want to take your computer to a technician. It's unlikely the pictures are gone for good - they may still be able to recover them. Worth a shot before you take the computer to the junkyard. 

Hang in there. We're all rooting for you. Some days I'm exhausted doing all the things I have to do even when I'm feeling healthy. What you're doing it really, really hard. You're doing fantastic! Keep it up.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Was going to say what @Acadianartist said- I bet with some tech help, you can retrieve those old files. Since those pictures are so important, it would be worth it. Even a "Geek Squad" at a local Best Buy might be a place to start. Not sure where you live and how accessible other computer stores might be, but I'd try that route.

Glad to hear that you are meeting with some new doctors. I have been following your thread and glad to hear that you've found some new people to work with. I hope they are better listeners!


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Data recovery has come down a lot over the past few years.

You're pictures can most likely be restored.

I've been in the IT business for over 40 years.....you'd be surprised what they can do now.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

I took computer to guy that has fixed it in past. It's not fixable but he sure he can retrieve my pictures off it. Had other pictures that I'd like to have also. Thanks for mentioning that, I knew it but forgot in my tizzy about computer crashing. Have a laptop so not without a computer. .just really liked my desktop one.

Had a better day today went riding with my two older kids. The 5 year old gelding caught me off gaurd and almost bronced me off. Darn stinker he was being so calm and quiet then bam cut in two. So he's proving he can't be trusted. ..I will not put my kids on him. My 13 year old said she wants to ride him. I told her absolutely not. Not until I get him going good enough that he got the broncs out of his system. 

He tends to be broncy when he's been off for the winter.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

It's not if it's going to crash, it's when.

Follow the 3, 2, 1 rule....

Three copies of your data, two different formats, 1 off site.


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## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

gunslinger said:


> It's not if it's going to crash, it's when.
> 
> Follow the 3, 2, 1 rule....
> 
> Three copies of your data, two different formats, 1 off site.


Really only had pictures don't store any other stuff that's important. All my email accounts I can retrieve easy enough from any computer. One email account I had on computer that crashed. I had that account disabled don't need it.

All pictures were retrieved and being put on a disk. So I'm very happy about that. I'm doing better a little more each day. So getting there nicer weather help as does longer daylight hours.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

rambo99 said:


> Really only had pictures don't store any other stuff that's important. All my email accounts I can retrieve easy enough from any computer. One email account I had on computer that crashed. I had that account disabled don't need it.
> 
> All pictures were retrieved and being put on a disk. So I'm very happy about that. I'm doing better a little more each day. So getting there nicer weather help as does longer daylight hours.


I'm so happy they could recover the photos! Since they were of your parents, I know they meant a lot to you. 

This long winter and miserable spring have been hard on everyone. I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little better. One day at a time...


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

rambo99 said:


> All pictures were retrieved and being put on a disk.


So make 2 copy's of the disk, to a USB thumb drive. Leave one with a friend.


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