# tough last couple of days... just having a vent



## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Not sure exactly where to start with this... I find it really hard to put words to my feelings. But I need to get it out, and I can't put voice to it... it feels like admitting weakness to actually say it out loud.

I have issues. I suffer from anxiety, and one symptom of that anxiety is depression attacks. When I'm in a depression attack, I can fake being happy, but it feels hollow and I just feel numb. I can act "happy" with the best of them, and when I was working in customer service it was the days when I was having a tough time of it that customers thought I was happiest and most friendly. I guess because I put in effort to put the face on? I don't know. I can fake a really genuine smile like the person I've just seen is my favourite person in the whole world, even if I don't know them and wish they would go die in a hole because I want to be on my own.

I also have really nasty thoughts when I'm in the middle of a depression attack. Sometimes directed at others, sometimes at myself. I fake it so effectively, nobody knows that my mind is so vindictive. Nobody knows that I have these awful thoughts about people. I hate myself for it, I shouldn't be thinking these things at all! I'm not a horrible person, but I have the most horrible thoughts.

My family doesn't know that when something goes wrong, I _always_ blame myself. My self-talk is so negative that no matter what is said to me, I still feel like everyone is blaming me for what went wrong, so I start making excuses to try to shift some of the blame. I am horrible to myself, and I'm a comfort eater... not a good combination because I feel bad, so I eat, and then tell myself I'll get really fat if I keep on like that, feel worse, and eat. Feel even worse for the same horrible self-talk, and eat. I'm not overweight at all, and was actually a few pounds too skinny a few weeks ago, but I know I shouldn't allow myself to comfort eat, so I always feel guilty and blame myself when I do.

I've had so many months of no depression attacks at all, only panic attacks, and I thought I was over all of this, but then I started having trouble sleeping, and all the negative self-talk started up again. I know it's happening, I know it's not true, but I can't do anything about it and my soul believes every lying word that my traitorous head makes me think. The only way to get through it is to accept it and wait for it to pass. But it always gets worse before it gets better, and I'm not even close to rock bottom yet. I'm dreading what's to come.

As I sit here and type, I'm looking back on today. I'm not seeing the fun I had chatting with my best friend, I'm not seeing the triumph of my 2yo TB's acceptance of my hand and the rope halter even though she had just flipped over a fence and given herself a horrible fright - even though she was so terrified she was literally shaking, she let me catch her easily. But I'm not seeing any of that. I'm seeing the small part I had in her flipping over the fence in the first place, blowing it out of proportion so that in my mind I am taking the full blame for what was a freak accident caused by a very small misjudgement... seeing everything that might have happened and just how terrible it could have been.

Right now, I am blaming myself for very nearly killing the horse I have only had for a week but had bonded with the moment I saw her. In reality, she's NOT nearly dead, just a bit scraped up and bruised. In reality, it was NOT my fault, just a freak accident. Yes, I had a part to play in it, and should have backed off a little, but I have been round penning horses for so long that it has become instinct to block them from going in the direction you don't want them to go. She had an easy escape in the other direction, or off through the middle of the round pen. I did not MAKE her attempt to jump out, it was HER choice.

Yet, somehow, knowing all of that, I still place the full blame for this incident on my own shoulders. This, and many more. And I feel useless, and I feel like I shouldn't have horses at all, let alone a troubled 2yo Thoroughbred.

I wish nothing more than to make these self-critical, untrue, bullying thoughts go away. I'm not even close to rock bottom, I know how it feels to wholly believe that the only solution, the only option, is death and this is not a shade on that kind of pain. In those darkest days in my past, the only thing that stopped me from taking my own life was my own fear... fear of physical pain, fear of the unknown. I "chickened out", and I'm glad for that fear because without it, I would not be here today.

I just wish that I could stop these thoughts from hurting me, the way I stopped other people's bullying from hurting me. I wish I could decide not to care, but it's not that easy when it's my own head that's doing the bullying. I don't care what OTHER people think of me... I only care what I think about myself. What do I have if I stop caring about that most precious thing, my own self-esteem? Yet when I'm having a hard time of it, and the only things I think about myself and others are negative, I wish I could switch off to it and just not give a ****.

Medication doesn't work, therapy doesn't work, I have seen my doctor about this several times in the past but it just doesn't change anything. I'm going to have to deal, the only way I know how - by toughing it out and thinking of my animals ahead of myself. I don't have it in me to care about people at the moment... it's hard enough to remember my love for my animals.

What I wouldn't give to stop having depression attacks... even if they're replaced with horrible panic attacks. I don't care. Panic attacks are easier than this. I would know. I have both.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Has a Dr determined what type of disorder you have?
The symptoms you are descibing are alarming.
As a Mental Health professional I urge you to seek help.
Therapy and Medication DO WORK. It is not easy and you may not like the journey but it can give you back your life.
The deep dark cloud of Depression is overwhelming at times but there is hope and you can be successfully treated.
1 in 4 americans will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives.
Therapy and medication do take time. You did not arrive at this overnight to expect treatment to work that quickly is not logical. It took you years to get to this point. It will take time for your treatment plan to work. There is no easy solution and the symptoms do not just go away. Your Dr can develop a treatment plan with you.
I urge you once again to seek treatment.
I suspect this is more than depression.
If you have any thoughts of harming yourself or any one else you need to seek help immediately. Shalom Donald


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## srh1 (Jun 3, 2012)

This CAN be changed.

You might need medication, you might need therapy, you might need religion, you might need a support group, you might just need one friend that's been through what you're going through... but don't just assume you have to live like this forever. 

I don't know if you're religious or if you've ever even thought on the matter, I'm just going to share what I believe, and what has made a huge difference in my life.

When I can't seem to shake the shame, stupid guilt, and depression I turn to my savior, Jesus Christ. He is my rock and my identity. He knows I've messed up, He knows what a downright awful person I can be at times. Truth is I deserve punishment for that, hell actually, but the God of the universe gave us a different option. Jesus Christ showed us His love for us by dying for us, taking our punishment, even though we were still sinners. 

Basically, it's like when someone posts bail for someone else's crime, only He paid for our crimes with His life.

The Bible says, "If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." 

It also says, "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not of yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast"

Basically what has helped me in the past, and continues to heal me, is the security I have in Jesus Christ. He is the same now and forever, and He loves me not because of what I have or haven't done, but because I am His child.

The Lord does not hold my sins against me anymore, Jesus paid for them with His life, I am totally cleansed in His eyes. He is the perfect judge. He has more right than anyone to hate me for my mistakes, but He doesn't. I've realised I can't judge myself better than He can... and I've started to just pour out all my troubles to Him when the shame and depression starts to come back.

I hope you will consider this, He loves you and does not want you to suffer this way. 

We don't want you to suffer this way either! Feel free to send me a message if you want to.

Hugs to you!


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Sorry you are feeling so badly. you know this will pass. Hope you can find some comfort soon. Don't give up on treatment-it does take time.


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## mls (Nov 28, 2006)

I agree that you may need medication.

It does NOT mean you are a bad or weak person. It is simply body chemistry. Your body doesn't produce enough or produces too much of a chemical that you need. Could be age, could be horomones that throw off the balance.

Not one of us is 'perfect'. There is no harm in seeking assistance to deal with issues.

Best wishes to you.


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

The diagnosis I have for anxiety did come from my doctor, yes. He knew that I was suicidal, when I was suicidal, and the diagnosis did not change.

I gave the therapy and medication plenty of time to work, was on the meds for months and the panic attacks decreased, but medication has done nothing for the depression attacks. Nor has therapy.

I wish I could take solace in God, I really do... but I haven't much faith in religion, not with my perspective on life.

I don't JUST have anxiety, I also have Asperger's Syndrome. Because of that, I don't like change, which I think is what set off this particular depression attack. I sold one horse, bought another, and ended up with a horse that takes a lot more effort to work with than I expected. I also started riding a bratty half-Arab pony for his owner, because she's a really "soft" rider and I'm the only person she knows who is small enough AND firm enough to sort him out. My gelding changed shape again and has started getting resistant in his flatwork - behaviour which I know indicates his saddle isn't quite right, and which I know will end in bucking if I don't find a solution. I have two horses to ride who I can only ride bareback at the moment because of it.

I went from being able to rely on Mum to cook for me and buy all the right foods, to having to go grocery shopping for myself, and cook for myself, because Mum went on a diet program which supplies her food. While I am enjoying having a more energetic, and shrinking, mother, it's a massive lifestyle change for me!

It's just too much change in one hit and I guess I'm a bit overwhelmed. It will pass, and it will pass soon. It's already been a few days, and these depression attacks usually only last a maximum of a week. I usually then go months without one single depressed day.

I will be ok, I know that I don't have much more of this ahead of me before life is good again.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Some of the problems you face with dealing with change are things you can hangs - good news!

I think you should have a journal or a blog, first of all. You might find it easier to process your thoughts and emotions if they're written/typed out. Look at what makes you anxious and depressed. There may be patterns.

With the horses..
- selling a horse is hard. Look at the reasons why you sold the horse. Those are the reasons why this change was good for you and something you chose.
- retraining a horse is hard and with an unknown/new horse you will have surprises. Nothing for it. Keep track of your progress with the horse(s) you're training. Again, a blog or journal may help. Note what you intended on working on that day, what you actually ended up working on and why, and how you ended the session.

With your mum..
This could be a really fun learning and bonding experience for you together! Use her experience and ASK FOR HELP. Have her teach you how to choose things and make meal plans and how to do every little thing she does in the kitchen. Have her incorporate the new things she's learning from the diet so that you both learn how to cook healthy things. Those prepackaged meals are nice but they don't teach her how to eat right so she will gain it all back if she doesn't learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks  I have a journal of working with my new filly, and the brat pony is nothing new (went through ALL the same things with a little welsh I used to have). The sale of my buckskin hasn't ACTUALLY changed much, she still lives on the same property, because I sold her to my mother! I'm very happy with the home she's in, and she is absolutely perfect for Mum who is big into low-level dressage but before now hasn't really had a horse that was built for it... I mean Satin's not built perfect for dressage but she's a lot better than Mum's previous horses... 2 QH's, a badly put-together TB, multiple standardbreds and a god-knows-what rescue that was built like Frankenstein's monster!

With Mum, she knows about healthy eating etc, but she went through a period of high stress about 6 years ago and she is an emotional eater too (hmmmmm think I might have got it from her??) so she fell out of the habit of eating healthy amounts... she eats healthy food mostly but too much of it. That's what this diet is for - to remind her about sensible portion sizes.

I think my problem is that I know how to cook healthy food but it takes longer than unhealthy food and I'm your typical lazy young adult! I'm not likely to put too much weight on, especially with the fact that I got a lot of "skinny" genetics from my dad's side and so it doesn't matter how badly I eat, I never put on weight.... but I try to watch it anyway because my grandfather on Dad's side had a heart attack very young, which was bad enough that he was told he had to retire right away.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

More ideas for you 

You and your mom can support each other on emotional eating. Maybe arrange to call or text instead of getting the snack, or taking a walk together?

Get a crockpot! There are a million delicious and healthy recipes. If you don't mind eating the same thing over and over you can get a huge one, spend maybe 30 minutes slicing and chopping and have several meals all done up at once. I cool a whole week's worth of lunches to take to work this way and usually have a few extra servings in there for my husband to eat during the week for lunch too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Blue eyes I have been a psychologist for many years.
If the treatments do not work you need to try another one same with the medication.
If I had a dollar for every patient that came in demanding treatment yet did not want to invest the time or emotions into it I would be very rich.
Consult with another DR. 
Your life is at risk.
I do not believe the first diagnosis was correct.
Cognitive behavioral therapy will show you how to deal with all aspects of your life.
Until you fully invest your time and emotions into changing your life however that may be you will continue to have eppisodes of depression and suicidal thoughts.
No one likes change but making excuses for not trying only makes the problem worse.
Is your life and happiness not worth it? Shalom


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

Hugs and Prayers sent.


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Thanks everyone 

DB, in your professional opinion, what do you think is my issue, if anxiety is not it? I'm mostly ok, had some very dark times nearly 2 years ago, upon losing a horse that was very dear to me, where I honestly was suicidal but haven't been back there since. That's how I know how it feels to really, honestly believe that there are no options.

I do have panic attacks, far more often than I have these depression attacks, and I make a point of not letting either kind of attack win. I go out, I do things, if I have a panic attack I give myself a minute to calm down and then do whatever it is I'm freaking out over anyway. I do all the things that my former psych suggested, and nothing has changed except that when I'm low I'm not as low... but I think a lot of that is because I've had time to grieve over my horse and come to terms with his death and the bullying that came after it, more than anything else.

I have a box with that horse's hair in it which I intend to burn in the morning. It's time to let him go now. I don't need his hair to remember him and all the good times. I can feel him here with me now, nudging my shoulder the way he always used to do when he wanted a treat, and though I'm crying I'm also smiling.

I'm down again today but I can feel that tomorrow will be better.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

BEP I cannot give you a diagnosis over the internet.
I am concerned about the persisitent angry thoughts about your self and others.
Also taking things out of perspective such as the injury to the horse can be signs of a few things. Combine this with a lengthy grieving process and suicidal thoughts and you have a few things that need to be tested and treated.
Anytime you mourn something for more than 6 months that disrupts your life to the point of controling it you and anyone else needs to seek professional help.
Your mental wellness is as important as being physically fit.
The symptoms you are posting about are warning signs. Heed them.
The longer one deals with depression the worse it gets. The worse it gets the harder it is to treat. Shalom Donald


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

I figured that, but all of what I said is the absolute truth and what I would tell to a psych in person... actually I forget things when I'm talking out loud, and I really struggle to "admit weakness" aloud so I try to avoid the issue full stop, so I would probably show what I wrote to a psych instead of talking aloud.

Had a panic attack today over something really stupid... hahahaha but the things I have panic attacks over usually ARE really stupid, and I'm unnaturally calm about whatever it is that's really bothering me. I had a panic attack over cutting the end of a bolt that was sticking out from my round pen repairs, worked myself up into a fuss and convinced myself I couldn't do it... but did it anyway. The sense of accomplishment over cutting the bolt was out of proportion to the actual task, but totally reasonable for overcoming a panic attack and just keeping on at it.

Usually "I can't do this" over little things like that really means that I don't feel like I can do something bigger... I actually feel great now looking back on how I crushed that panic attack, and more confident about working with my filly. My head works in strange ways and seems to have connected cutting one stupid bolt to working with a very sensitive 2yo TB that needs a LOT of training and re-training. If I can cut the bolt even though I'm in the middle of a panic attack, then I can do a good job with this mare. Um, ok?? lol


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

I sent you a PM. Any questions pm me back. Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Thank you, I've got it but it's nearly 4am so I really need to go to bed 

Edit to add; insomnia comes after the negative thoughts begin, it's not the cause of them like my mother seems to think.


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## HagonNag (Jul 17, 2010)

Pony, 

dbarabians is very, very right. Additionally, please know that not all anti-depressants work the same way. Just because ONE doesn't work, doesn't mean that another won't work. Some times it takes a long time to find the right one.

I have dealt with depression ever since I was in high school and I'm in my mid 60's now. After looking at my recurring bouts of depression throughout my life, my current doctor put me on an anti-depressant permanently. It works. 
As long as I take my medication, I am a normal human being. I have the normal range of emotions. If I stop taking it, thinking I don't need it anymore...I become suicidal in about 3 weeks. 

In my case it's a definite chemical imbalance aggravated by a supremely dysfunctional childhood. I've learned to deal with my childhood. The medication takes care of the chemical imbalance.

PLEASE keep pursuing treatment and don't discount anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. Just because one or two don't work, does NOT mean that one of them won't.

It's much easier to explore emotional issues when you are not in the grip of a serious depression already. Think of the medications as an adjunct to counseling or therapy. Just because I need them to function doesn't mean that you will. And if you do? There's no shame in having a chemistry that's different from other people's.


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

I'm not even 18 yet, my doctor won't put me on anything other than prozac because I'm so young... and that helped with the panic attacks but not the depression attacks. He upped the dosage several times for no change, until I put my foot down and said I wasn't going to take any higher of a dose because I wasn't going to risk addiction... and with my personality, it's a real risk. I stopped taking it because I can deal with the panic attacks and they were the only things that it was doing anything for. So there wasn't any point, really.

The psych I went to was amazing for the panic attacks and they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be but she never saw me when I was in a funk, and she was blind so she couldn't tell if I was holding back anyway - which I do, in person, because I don't trust people as a whole. It's strange because I have no issues with pouring my heart out onto the internet, and the net is where I was bullied the worst...


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## francis (Apr 16, 2012)

Blue eyed pony, I know exactly what you are going through. I have been diagnosed as bi-polar, manic depressant. I have been in therapy am on meds. Right now they are working. I still get an occasional panic attack which I have a special med for to help with it. Yes I do journal it does help to control the depression. Maybe if you some other hobbies you could do. I knit and crochet as well. It has been said that knitting will help with depression. I didn't ever want to hurt any body else just myself. And yes I was to chicken to do it because I knew I couldn't be with my Lord and Savior, if I did. You are at a point where if you don't do something, it will take over and cause you do something you will regret. Get a second opinion and try again instead of going through the motions. Please!


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

People who refuse to follow a DR's orders are refusing to understand their disease. This is the first thing ones need to do in order to heal.
Understand your illness, treatment, and recovery plan.
By refusing to do any of this you are surrenedering to the disease.
If you are under 18 I really am concerned now. Shalom


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## HagonNag (Jul 17, 2010)

I worry about you also because the young often end up commiting suicide because they have no frame of reference for their depression. Once you've had a few bouts, you realize that eventually it WILL end. Young people often fail to realize that. They think it's forever and sometimes severe depression can actually be physically painful. In their ignorance, they think their condition has NO solution. That's one reason depression is so dangerous in the young and should NEVER be ignored.


Please get help. It's out there. Don't second guess your psychiatrist. He or she has a lot more experience with this than you do. As far as I know, anti-depressants are not addicting.
If you're concerned about it, talk with your doctor about it...don't just refuse the meds.


Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Get the help you need.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Hagonnag very well put.
Especially about being kind to your self. Everyone deserves love kindness and understanding. Shalom


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## srh1 (Jun 3, 2012)

I'm glad that you are able to see that it _will _end, that is a very good start to understanding how to handle it. Journaling is a good idea, not just because it helps put things in perspective but because you can also see if there are any patterns. Certain things that help or don't help.

Def seek help now, the sooner you start dealing with it the sooner you will be able to get beyond it and start living.


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Thank you everyone 

I was right when I said last night that today would be good. I feel great. Got the little box of horse hair from the top shelf of my wardrobe and let my boy go.. it was a sad thing to do but it was right. He should be free, not tied to me any more. I think the reason I haven't been able to do this before now is that I don't normally allow myself to cry... it feels like admitting weakness and, being an Aspie, I find it difficult to admit that I'm anything other than perfect, strong, and unaffected by the world around me.

I think I'm starting to be able to accept that I'm not perfect, and that's ok, because my imperfections make me who I am.


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## Failbhe (May 8, 2012)

There really isn't anything helpful I can think of to say that hasn't already been said. 

For me, medications didn't help (at least, the ones I tried - I've lost count of the number my doctor has tried putting me on, and I had VERY BAD reactions to all of them) but that doesn't mean they don't work for anybody. Therapy has helped immensely, though it did take a lot of time. Journalling and blogging (an anonymous blog) helped me as well. 

Just know that you're not alone, and - while it does feel futile and hopeless a lot of the time - there IS help and hope.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

BEP just because you feel better today doesn't mean you are well.
My advice about seeing an professional still stands.
This is a serious matter and you should not ignore it.
Your belief that you are perfect ties into the Disorders that I PMed you about.
These tend to show up during your late teens and early 20's. Shalom Donald


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I don't understand why your doc won't put you on something other than Prozac. I was 16 when I was on Zoloft, and now I've also had Paxil and am currently on Celexa. 

I hate changing medications. I have a fear of throwing up, so when a side effect of a medication is nausea, it makes me really reluctant to take it. Right now I'm trying to decide if the Celexa is enough or if I should go back. I was prescribed Prozac but didn't ever take it and kept taking the Celexa because I was tired of changing medications and was at a point where I didn't have the time to deal with all the stupid side effects. Now I'm at a crossroads again. I don't feel really great. I felt best on the Paxil, but it gave me RLS. So nix that. 

Anyway, my whole point is I understand changing meds is scary. But you gotta take them. If I don't, I become a crazy mess of anxiety. I tried getting off the Zoloft and just became afraid of absolutely everything. 

Point blank: I hate phobias, anxiety, and depression. But you gotta learn to live with them.


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## HagonNag (Jul 17, 2010)

Corazon Lock said:


> I don't understand why your doc won't put you on something other than Prozac. ..............Point blank: I hate phobias, anxiety, and depression. But you gotta learn to live with them.


There is evidence that some anti-depressants can actually increase the risk of suicide in young people and therefore they are prescribed very cautiously. I am not a psychiatrist so I'm unfamiliar with which ones they are. As far as I'm concerned, medicine, and especially psychiatry, is as much an art as a science. I think that's why it's called the practice of medicine: it takes not only scientific knowledge but judgement. That's why doctors disagree and why some are better than others. It's not just how much they know...but how they interpret what they know!

Antidepressants have many different ways of working. Some are understood, and some aren't. People can react differently to the same drug, depending upon their unique body chemistries. It often takes trial and error and a long time to find which will work best for an individual.
This whole process requires cooperation and communication between the patient and the doctor. If the patient doesn't understand this and isn't cooperative, it really subverts the whole process. Some doctors are better at explaining this than others. Some patients are better at understanding this than others. It is essential to find a physician with whom you can communicate....and then communicate! Anything else is just pouring money down a rathole.

This whole process is just part of learning how to live with depression, anxiety and phobias. There are many, many different ways of coping with these problems and medication can help...but it's not the whole solution.
You have to learn how you react to situations, triggers, and what coping mechanisms work best for you. It's a lifelong process. Ignoring it, means living a life that isn't as rewarding and enjoyable as it could be. We only get one life. We should live the life we love. And we need to do whatever we can to make that possible.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

HagonNag, antidepreesants are very powerful medications.
They usually need to be adjusted or changed to get the right dosage or meds. This is normal as all do not work for everyone.
Halting or decreasing this medication without the advice or a DR monitoring you is VERY dangerous.
Doing so can increas the risk of suicide and bouts of depression.
Chronic long term depression needs to be treated by a DR.
the side effects are sometimes hard to get used to but it can take a month to get the full benefits of the medication.
atients need to allow the time to see if the meds work.
Some do not becuase the do not see immediate results. Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

I gave it ages to work :/ never did. Doc didn't want to try anything else, just kept upping the dose and upping the dose... tried a different doc, same thing. 

When I started on the prozac, I noticed it's not recommended for persons under 18, presumably because of the fact that you have to be 18+ in Aus to participate in a clinical trial? And thus it would not have been tested on under 18's before its approval for medical use. Prozac and Zoloft are the two most common antidepressants used in under 18's in Aus, and neither of them worked... my Dr doesn't want to try something else.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Your DR prescribed a low dosage so that it could be adjusted.
Dr's also start at the easiest meds when they treat patients.
Those clinical trials were conducted here in the US the same warning about being under 18 applies here.
BEP get on the internet research depression and the medications then make suggestions to your DR.
I advise everyone to do this.
If you are not informed on the treatments and diseases or disorders you suffer from then you are not fully vested in your treatment.
This allows your DR control of your disease. something you should be in charge of.
Your DR does not have the disease you do.
Become your own ADVOCATE.
People who do generally recover faster and suffer less. Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

My dr upped it 4 times in the space of 8 weeks...


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## francis (Apr 16, 2012)

The first thing that was given to me was Prozac, my doc had to keep upping the dose as well. That was a ;long time ago. I just stopped taking them because they were not helping. Lest to say that was not my best decision. I ended up almost doing my self in. I went to another doctor who tried some thing different. Right now I'm on Zoloft and Sequel and for the occasional anxiety attack hydroxyzine pamoate. May you need to do some research of your own.


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Perhaps.

I get in more of a funk when I'm not eating properly, I think it's a chemical imbalance caused by the wrong foods (I have to eat wheat free or I'm the world's biggest *****, so food does have a big effect on my mood) but the trouble is I'm your typical lazy teenager and can't be bothered cooking most nights.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Cook meals in big batches. Soups, casseroles and crockpot dishes. It takes a tiny bit more time up front but you can easily make 6-8 meals at once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nikelodeon79 (Mar 3, 2008)

BEP: Are you seeing a regular doctor or a psychologist? 

IMO, regular docs should NOT be able to prescribe anti-depressant medications. They hand them out like candy and do not add the MOST important component: therapy. 

I was mis-diagnosed as having "anxiety/panic disorder" for many years. I finally found the right team of professionals to help me and was correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Your "panic attacks" may very well be the "highs" generally associated with bipolar disorder. Some experience a feeling of euphoria but for others... it just plain sucks. For me, the depressive periods are/were more obvious than the mania. Another characteristic of bipolar disorder is the periods of normalcy that trick you into thinking that you're fine. 

Please go see a licensed therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Most medical doctors are not well informed about depression or the medications to treat it.
Seek help with a Mental Health Professional. Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

The trouble with that, DA, is that my brother won't eat the same thing twice :/ and I have to help him cook because he can't do it for himself (stupid thing is he's OLDER than me and Mum has been trying to teach him to cook for YEARS).;

I have wondered if I'm actually bipolar because I can go from absolutely happy to suicidal in the space of an hour if I'm not careful. I haven't been THAT low for a long time though...

My psych said nothing to question my dr's diagnosis of anxiety, but idk... there is other stuff that might well have been "hiding" the extent of my issues because my psych knows I have Asperger's and isn't very experienced with it so a lot of what "doesn't fit" with anxiety she might have palmed off as something to do with AS.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

It is possible that you are Bipolar.
This is why a second opinion is necesary.
I cannot believe that a Dr. changed your medication that many times in such a short period.
BEP you need to discuss this with your parents .
If left untreated your depresswion will get worse. Good luck 
Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Will do  difficulty is that I have a lot of trouble opening up to medical professionals (and mental health professionals as an extension of that), I think because of things that happened when I was little (which I can't remember, but Mum says stuff happened that would have triggered it)


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

I don't know how to ask this without sounding like a jerk so sorry in advance. Does your brother have any sort of developmental issues? If he's "normal" then too bad so sad that he won't eat anything twice. He's a man grown. Let him figure it out and if he chooses to skip a meal then more for you! 

If he DOES have issues then your mother is the parent and should be looking after him.

Either way, don't burden yourself by taking on problems that aren't yours to take on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Autism did cross my mind when I read that he would not eat anything twice.
Good call.
There is nothing wrong with people that have autism or anything else.
They are how G-D created them.
BEP if you are serious about treating your depression you will find a way to discuss it with a DR.
Without you honest and total disclosure of all the issues you face a DR will be handicapped in treating you. Something to think about.
Shalom Donald


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

He also has Asperger's but on top of it is a really picky eater :/ and I'm a lot higher-functioning than he is, he has severe anxiety to the point where he can't cope with the idea of getting a job much less an actual job and he gets very bored very quickly with the same foods. I might get him to eat the same soup two nights in a row, IF we have something else for lunch, but no more than that.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Have you been diagnosed also?
Do not answer that question if you are not comfortable disclosing .
This is a public forum. Be careful of what you post.
Shalom


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

DB I wasnt saying that there was something "wrong" but rather I was trying to ask if there was something rendering him incapable of cooking for himself besides sucking at cooking.

BEP - show him how to use a microwave and how to follow a recipe. You shouldn't be doing your moms job in taking care of your brother. He sounds very capable of being able to do it himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Provisionally... the state's top expert said he thought I had it when I was 10. When I was 13 and the government got around to sending the assessment team, I had learned enough that I know how to "appear" neurotypical, and they didn't think I have it (but of course you don't grow out of autism spectrum disorders, you learn to hide them). Doesn't change the fact that most of my friends are younger than me, older than me (significantly - two best friends are 14 and 20, I am very nearly 18) or intellectually/physically disabled in some way. Or a combination of factors making them "inappropriate" for my age. Also doesn't change the fact that people stress me greatly and I find it exhausting to have company for more than a couple of hours per day.

As a general rule, I hate people  I find it much easier to connect with people through a computer screen than in real life.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Dancing Arabian I did not think you were calling anything "wrong"
Just a clarification for the OP and others that might read the thread.
some people see Autism or other disorders as something is "wrong" witht the person.
My post was in no way aimed at you or anything you said.
I would have PMed you or addressed you by name if I had a rebuttal to anything you posted.
OP your admission changes the game plan.
As I strongly questioned whether you were just dealing with depression.
Get a Dr that has experience with Autism and follow his advice.
This is very important.
You cna find a place in soceity and enjoy a full and reqrding life.
If you admit your full diagnosis and are honest with your healthcare provider.
Greeat Strides are being made in understanding and treating Autism.
Good luck Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

My dr's daughter is also on the spectrum, he has lots of experience and is just lovely  I just have big trust issues with medical professionals which I do need to get over but really struggle with.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Resisting treatment is a sign that you may be in denial about your diagnosis. Thats understandable and normal.
We humans do not like change. In fact we resist it .
BEP the longer you resist the longer your ordeal will be.
Your young there is happiness and normalcy that is awaiting you. Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

We Aspies more so! I hate change even when I choose it and it's for the better... honestly though the anxiety is taking more of a backseat now, not sure why but I still get panic attacks, just not as bad. I've spent so long trying to make peace with myself that I just don't have the energy to actively fight against something that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember... I am finally feeling like I am worth the effort, but if I do too much too soon I will burn myself out again.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

BEP you cannolt make drastic changes to your life overnight.
You have lived this way for a number of years.
You now need to change the way you think and live. that takes a lot of courage and dedication.
Nothing is going to happen overnight.
anything worh while takes pallning and time. Shalom


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Glad to know that I'm not the only one who finds socializing to be exhausting . My current office job is FAR FAR more tiring than when I was a barn manager for that reason!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## busysmurf (Feb 16, 2012)

I know it's been said quite often here, but it's worth repeating...Keep looking for a Dr. that will work WITH you, if the one you are currently seeing is only willing to take the paved road, keep looking until you find one that is willing to try gravel paths.

Like many others here, what you are going through is like looking in the mirror. I'm not going to sugar coat it, because that can make it more frustrating (at least for me), but the ups and downs will probably never go away. *BUT* they will smooth out eventually, you just have to be stronger than the train wreck.


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Courage, dedication, and money! Rent here is ridiculous, ours is at least $100/week BELOW market value for a suburban FLAT and we are in a house on 10 acres which Mum pays for (she is amazing!! of course she lives here too lol)... and she is STILL paying $1000/month. A tiny little flat, not even an apartment, is $1400-$1500/month. A proper house is on average anywhere up to $2000/month. Acreage? Forget it, I've seen it as much as $600 PER WEEK.

I could move to another town if I was to move out, but even then I don't think I would be able to find acreage I can afford on what an 18yo high school dropout can earn... I have a qualification which is equivalent to having graduated high school, but nothing other than that and a bit over a year working in customer service, which I am NEVER going back to. EVER. I couldn't live in suburbia, my dog would go mad... as would I, I like space!

So, I have to work with what I've got, meaning I can't be rid of the added stress of making sure my brother eats properly, does his share, etc. Mum has had enough, her food is sorted and we are adults now, so it's time we took responsibility for ourselves... the problem is that I'm having to take up the slack of making sure brother eats properly and does house work instead of sitting on the computer all day. It's exhausting! And then I have two horses to look after, both of which have rain rot atm as the new TB brought it in with her and it spread before we knew it was there. One horse needs bulk time spent on her, because she has, erm, issues... and the other gets jealous and so needs bulk time spent on HIM or else he starts beating the TB up.

Le sigh. Who would have thought that growing up added so many new responsibilities! Honestly I feel like I have somehow time-travelled, one day I was a teenager and then the next BAM adult who has to somehow get a fellow adult to eat foods he doesn't like and do cleaning/housework... so THIS is what it's like to be married! hahahahahahahahahaha


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

BEP it is not called time travel its called life.
think its bad now if you move out it will only increase the problems.
find some help for your brother.
Can't the State or federal government not help? Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

Financially, yeah, looking after my brother though? If I moved out (arhhmmm, away from him) I wouldn't have to. More house work for me, and most likely more spending on food because it's really expensive to live alone, but god maybe I wouldn't have to work so hard every bloody day on stressful things... money doesn't really stress me out that much, I have enough to live and enough to look after my horses plus a little on the side.

Our govt is pretty useless tbh, they're the ones that screwed him up so bad in the first place. He WAS fine, well, not "normal" but functioning just fine tyvm and learning to look after himself (ie cook, clean, look after pets - he has always self-cared in getting dressed and other personal needs)... and then he went to high school. Stuff that went on with the school caused his huge anxiety issues and when he was in school he was suicidal. THEY had screwed up so bad that we were told by a human rights group to take the education department to court, because we had a very strong case and WOULD win. Perhaps we should have, they turned a very promising young man into a complete shut-in who is incapable of working... who knows how much potential income from work they have cost him?!

...anybody see a theme here? Depression and anxiety DEFINITELY run in the family, my mother has had depression, my aunt has panic attacks, my grandfather currently IS depressed (but won't admit it, bloody army men haha!)... nothing against the folks in our family, they're all good people, but our genetics certainly don't seem to help us much.

It's funny, for the longest time I thought mental illness was something that affected other people. Not me. My idea of mental illness was the lady down the street (manic depressive, which is of course just another name for bipolar, plus goodness knows what she DIDN'T admit to/know about) who would be your best mate one day and then come to you the next, telling you (and completely believing her own words) that an hour ago she saw you walking your dog past her property, and it pooped on her lawn and you didn't pick it up, and she would really appreciate if you would clean up after your dog... when you didn't WALK your dog that day, or the day before that, or the day before THAT, anywhere near her place. She was odd, that one. Lovely, but certainly strange.

Not really sure what I'm on about, and when I'm confusing myself I know I've stayed up too late  high time I went to bed I think, have been up since 8am and it's 12.30 the next morning now.


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## stephshark (Jun 19, 2012)

This might be a shot in the dark, but it could also help you greatly; I just recently read about a test doctors can give called the ALCAT test. It basically tests to see which foods cause negative reactions from your body. It has been proven to help with depression, panic disorders, migraines, diabetes, and many other things including infertility. If there is a Dietician in your area,or if your regular doctor can administer it, it might be worth taking the chance if it could mean making you feel better.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Stepshark she has a form of autism.
A change of diet may be helpful but it will not replace medication and behaviour modification.
Her only option is to seek help under a DRs care and supervision. Shalom


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

StephShark, I find it very interesting that you mention such a thing, since I already eat wheat free. I went wheat free nearly 9 years ago on a naturopath's advice and within weeks was a totally different person. I now can eat small amounts of wheat, but when I push it too far, I either get depressed or turn bitchy. Yep, it IS a factor.

There was a lot more detail in what I could and couldn't eat but it was too hard to avoid all of it so for quite some time I went completely gluten free and didn't drink milk... I could have soy milk but that tastes gross so I just avoided it altogether. I drink normal cow's milk now, no problem. Dairy is not and never has been a factor.


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