# Daughter That Thinks She's Better Than Everyone Else?



## WesternRidingCowgirl (Jul 20, 2014)

My daughter Heather is 17 year old and has been riding all her life. She owns 2 horses of her own and competes in barrel racing and eventing. She loves her horses with all her heart, but there's just one thing: She thinks she's better than everyone else. She believes she is perfect, better than everyone, and the best at everything. Her father is the same way. She only competes to win, not to have fun, and will trash any person or horse in order to be #1. She is obsessed with being popular and better than everyone at everything. She has put herself, her horse, and other riders and their horses in danger to be the best and win in the show ring. She is extremely competitive, and will trash any rider or horse who does better than her. She also has anger issues, dissociative identity disorder, sleeping problems, and OCD. I have brought her to TONS of therapists and doctors, but it only makes her worse. However, I do not believe in punishing children, as well as grounding them, hitting them, or yelling at them. Any help on this? I am sick of her attitude.


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## Cielo Notturno (Sep 12, 2013)

She's a teen _and_ she is following her dad's example _and_ apparently she's pretty good at what she does. 

I guess that you could ignore her or literally go to another room when she is being mean, but at her age she could just well decide that she doesn't need her mom's approval. That's not an easy age, maybe she'll outgrow this attitude.


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## WesternRidingCowgirl (Jul 20, 2014)

Cielo Notturno said:


> She's a teen _and_ she is following her dad's example _and_ apparently she's pretty good at what she does.
> 
> I guess that you could ignore her or literally go to another room when she is being mean, but at her age she could just well decide that she doesn't need her mom's approval. That's not an easy age, maybe she'll outgrow this attitude.


I don't think she'll ever outgrow it, she's been like this her whole life.


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

Unfortunately, this is a lesson that should have been taught when she was small. If she had been raised to have some humility...she would.

Now, it's probably too late to try to teach her. Her only chance is to learn it on her own by having someone better than her put her in her place.


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## nikelodeon79 (Mar 3, 2008)

Sounds like your refusal to believe in any kind of punishment has taught her there are no consequences. Don't just blame it on her dad.. You helped make her what she is: spoiled.


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## WesternRidingCowgirl (Jul 20, 2014)

nikelodeon79 said:


> Sounds like your refusal to believe in any kind of punishment has taught her there are no consequences. Don't just blame it on her dad.. You helped make her what she is: spoiled.


If I even TRY to punish her, she freaks out. She'll run away, slit her wrists, or threaten (or possibly even try) to attack me. Besides, I don't believe in punishment anyway.


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## WesternRidingCowgirl (Jul 20, 2014)

smrobs said:


> Unfortunately, this is a lesson that should have been taught when she was small. If she had been raised to have some humility...she would.
> 
> Now, it's probably too late to try to teach her. Her only chance is to learn it on her own by having someone better than her put her in her place.


She was only ever taught to be like the way she is now, by her father, who is exactly the same as hers.


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## rookie (May 14, 2012)

It sounds like there are a lot of issues at play here. I am not sure that your daughter or her father would appreciate you venting to a group of strangers on the internet. I would advise that you seek the help of a counselor. I would also suggest looking into some group therapy for yourself and your daughter. Your daughters mental health issues (which you should not really share on the internet) make this a situation that only a mental health professional should address. A lack of punishment (grounding, or suspension from activities) means that your daughter has no concept of consequences. Karma may address that but at this time playing the blame game, its your daughter, its her father etc, are not going to help the situation.


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

Why do you not believe in punishment? I'm not much older than your daughter...I'm 18, but sound like her polar opposite. My parents happened to believe very firmly in punishment. However, that didn't mean they beat the tar out of me for stupid mistakes. They did spank me, ground me, put me in time out if necessary...but I was talking to my mother about it just the other day, and I can actually only remember ever needing to be spanked twice, and grounded once. Just knowing that there were consequences for my actions, that I was being held to a high standard because they knew that I could do it, and that I made them proud by being considerate and obedient, kept me from really ever pushing them. I was raised where I got what I needed but anything else came only with hard work on my part, and thus I never felt entitled to anything and I didn't feel like Queen of the World. I like to think that I have a good grasp on reality at my age, and I would never risk someone else or hurt their feelings for my own benefit.

I have two younger siblings though, and looking at them I can see this pattern... as the years went by my parent's financial status changed for the better and they started spoiling the younger two more, not making them work for much of anything, and they also stopped disciplining. Whether this is coincidence or not, my sister is boarder line depressed/self harms, feels no self worth, feels like she is constantly competing with other people for status, etc. My brother is the worst of us all and happens to get the least restrictions, consequences, and discipline. At 11 years old, he will still throw a tantrum on the ground if he does not get his way, he screams that they are abusive, mean, and stupid and throws things if my parents correct him at all, and he has no work ethic.

Is this just a difference in all of our personalities or is it a difference in disciplinary methods? To me, it really seems to correlate to how my parents brought each of us up, because when I step back and look, all 3 of us have very similar personality traits...they've just been cultivated differently. All 3 of us are stubborn just like both of my parents are. I often use my stubbornness to be rather hard on myself and not seek out help, my sister uses hers to tune out other people's advice and sort of wallow in self pity, and my brother uses his to play mind games with my parents and try to make himself always sound right.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

I assume you purchased the horse and absorbed all costs for tack, clothing, shows etc. it is your horse and a shame that you can't deprive her of it for a set time.

It does sound like you have helped to allow this situation to happen by apparently doing nothing.

My best to you.


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## squirrelfood (Mar 29, 2014)

> However, I do not believe in punishing children,


Congratulations. YOU have created this monster by not providing enforceable boundaries for a growing youngster. YOU failed to teach your child there are consequences for bad behavior. If you are REALLY lucky, she won't end up in prison, but just spend the rest of her life being miserable and making those around her miserable as well.


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## BugZapper89 (Jun 30, 2014)

squirrelfood said:


> Congratulations. YOU have created this monster by not providing enforceable boundaries for a growing youngster. YOU failed to teach your child there are consequences for bad behavior. If you are REALLY lucky, she won't end up in prison, but just spend the rest of her life being miserable and making those around her miserable as well.


We both certainly agree on this one!


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

At age 17, I think the cat is already out of the bag, so it speak. This is something that should have been fixed when she was very young. Now, she's pretty much set in her personality.


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## HagonNag (Jul 17, 2010)

The time to mold a child is when he/she is young. When your daughter is 17 you're coming to the party WAY too late. I'd look for some counseling for yourself because you are going to need it. You're going to have to face the fact that your child rearing beliefs helped to make her the way she is and you'll have to realize that at this point in her life there is very little you can do to influence her. You're going to have to learn to live with whatever she becomes. We reap what we sow.


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## DreaMy (Jul 1, 2014)

There isn't much I can say I've never had to deal with personality disorders and sounds like something for trained professionals to help you with. We can offer support as you try to get through this but we can't parent for you.

As far as the punishment thing goes, my parents never "punished" us either, at least in the way you guys are talking about (spanking, grounding, taking away our stuff), but the disposition of all the kids in my family is to mouth off, NOT physical harm or throw a tantrum/scream. Once my brother accidentally broke our nanny's glasses when he was mad (running around or something I don't remember) so my mom made him pay for new ones (it was like $200 and he wasn't even 10) you can bet he made sure to never break someone else's stuff again, on accident or on purpose, but that is because his "punishment" made sense, it was logical and the "real world" consequences for his actions.


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## Cielo Notturno (Sep 12, 2013)

WesternRidingCowgirl said:


> If I even TRY to punish her, she freaks out. She'll run away, slit her wrists, or threaten (or possibly even try) to attack me. Besides, I don't believe in punishment anyway.


Ok, now I'll say something very harsh. 

If she threatens to harm herself, or if she actually does it, send her for some time to a mental health center that deals with suicidal teens (I'm sure that there is one around). 

Yeah they are not nice places, but there they will make sure that she won't be a danger to herself or others, and she should get the idea that it's not the healthy way to behave.


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## tinaev (Dec 2, 2012)

To me this is a huge no brainer "She has put herself, her horse, and other riders and their horses in danger to be the best and win in the show ring." If this were my daughter she would not be showing horses anymore. To put yourself in danger is one thing, it is entirely another to put the other competitors and animals in danger. It's simply not ok and wouldn't be tolerated in my house.


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## Cielo Notturno (Sep 12, 2013)

Anyway, I don't believe that 17 is too late to teach her something. She still has a lot of growing to do. Just let her behavior have consequences. As DreaMy said, logical, real-world consequences. Don't reward tantrums.


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## Lockwood (Nov 8, 2011)

Closed for moderator review.


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