# Trying to understand



## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Like it or not, most obese people or people who are overweight do not watch what they eat, nor do they exercise enough to keep weight off.

What you say to her depends on what you want to have happen. I doubt she will welcome the advice/comment with open arms. 

But may be just the catalyst for her to finally do something too.

I just know that in this small rural area I live in, we have some HUGE people, and all of them will talk about how they try and try to lose weight, and then the next day you see them in restaurant, chowing down on 4 big yeast rolls, and a big plate of food, and dessert.

The current trend seems to blame weight/obesity of things that the people can't control, but I call BS on that. Push back from the table Mabel. 

There are no starving obese people in Africa.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

This gal attends TOPS and has for 30 years, weighing in weekly. I'll bet over the years she's lost 4 or 5 hundred pounds, when she walks, she loses, when she stops she gains. She owns various home gym pieces, each new one will do the trick. She'll use it for a while, then nada. One winter I challenged her to 1000mi. by may 1st on the ex. bike as we each have one. She got off to a decent start, then quit. I kept going just because I like the way I feel afterwards. I now realize that she accuses everyone else of her own failures.


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## Joe4d (Sep 1, 2011)

Id just say, "Yeh but they look like they're happy, so who are we to judge. "


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## Lockwood (Nov 8, 2011)

Some (not all) people who struggle with weight issues have emotional issues that are often far stronger than the eating struggles. It sounds like your friend is really struggling with internal or emotional issues and the outward expression of this is the ongoing weight issues.

Internal struggles/issues can be very powerful. 
Two very different friends of mine both struggled with depression, one was/is obese and the other one was bulimic.

The attachment to food, good or bad, as a way to cope is such a complex thing and many people just can't "push away from the table" as mentioned above anymore than they can "think" themselves happy to overcome depression, or "talk" themselves out of alcoholism on their own.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

I have suspected depression for months now. I've said nothing because she's in denial about anything that might concern her health. I don't like it when she criticises other overweight people and all their flaws which of course is behind their backs, never face to face. I toy with just having nothing to do with her then remember that we must honor friendships.


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## bettyb (Mar 13, 2012)

It's not possible to not know that you're putting on weight.

She might be kidding herself but she'll know!

When she makes a nasty remark about someone else who is fat, you might want to say "You do know don't you that a lot of fat people are in denial about their weight"


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

bettyb - excellent retort. I shall def. keep it in mind the next time she slices someone up. Can anyone tell me why so many of the obese watch the so-called reality weight loss shows? I don't like it when someone gets kicked off the show for not measuring up. It's dehumanizing. My friend thinks the person deserves it because of laziness. It's just not that simple.


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## afatgirlafathorse (Feb 21, 2012)

A few notes:

- re: your friend - it sounds definitely like she is feeling some serious self deprecation and is projecting on others. The best frame of mind in which to lose weight is one of self love, not one of self hate. I am one of those who has had many "false starts" at weight loss and the ONLY time that I was successful at losing 50lbs or more and KEEPING IT OFF was when I was doing the whole thing not because I found myself "disgusting" or was really really disappointed in myself, etc - but because I loved myself and knew that my body and my self was absolutely worth putting the time and effort into working out and preparing healthier meals for myself. It took a long time for me to get my head in that space, but my entire life has been improved - not just my health, but my outlook, my struggles with depression, my career, EVERYTHING has improved since I started saying "you are WORTH it. you DESERVE it." And I had to understand and know this about myself even when I weighed 325lbs. Without it, I would have gotten nowhere. 

- re: yourself. Life is too short to waste with people who genuinely don't make you feel good about yourself. If you don't have a desire to truly help or support your friend other than because you need to honour your friendship and not because the friendship has been mutually beneficial for the both of you, then it is time to get out. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for themselves, and if you can't handle the negativity, it will drag you down. You can't beat the above mentioned self love into her, she has to come on to it on her own.

- re: "fat people in denial" - I sure hope that was tongue in cheek. The obese, I think, as a general rule, are extremely aware of the differences in their bodies. Just because one doesn't shut oneself in and wallow in the fact that they don't fit society's ideal doesn't mean that they are "in denial" about their weight. I highly suspect the person mentioned in the OP is indeed not in denial, but is not feeling very good about herself right now and is using it as an excuse to feel not very good about other people.


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## afatgirlafathorse (Feb 21, 2012)

Also! I watch The Biggest Loser because it is inspiring to me.  I am motivated to go out and get another workout in after watching the show. I also find that many of the emotional breakthroughs that are had with the contestants are valuable lessons to me as well.


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