# Fart Stories - We All Got 'Em!



## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

Mayybbee better in the Saloon, but y'know what? Fart stories and jokes are cross-generational and classics, let's be honest. For horses, farting is often an expression of joy, sometimes it's silent but deadly, sometimes gun shot loud.

For humans, we all do our best to not admit we too get gassed up, let one slip when we're laughing, or try to slide by a silent ninja but it turns out to be increasingly deadly and just escalates until we're forced to shrug and say we don't know what that smell is...

Who here is brave enough to share a fart story? You or your horse?

For me - Trigger... on a trail ride last summer. One of our first camping trips actually... we find ourselves in thick woods and brush, the trail has narrowed to little more than a well traversed game trail, and ahead is an incline. It's been traveled so much the top soil is gone, before us lays a series of red clay steps, all bound together with tree roots. It's really NOT that big of a climb, but Trigger does nothing half heartedly. No sir. He's Deadpool - he does everything with Maximum Effort.

He approached those stairsteps like they were the floor of a trailer he'd never been in - STOMP with that first hoof in, pound hard with the next three. MAXIMUM UMPH went into his hind quarters and BLAMO.

The loudest horse fart ever. 

It echoed through the forest - flocks of birds lifted out of trees in terror. Trigger himself tapdanced to the right, looked around in wonder at what could have possibly caused that gunshot loud sound.

He got no help from me because immediately after, if not simultaneously with the fart that rocked Texas, I hear behind me on the trail, about 20 yards back from my friend:

WAS THAT A _FART_!?

I hear the same question echo down the line to the very back of the group..

I couldn't answer. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I barely had a grip on the reins. I was fanning my face, nodding hysterically, and almost crying at the same time. I'm shocked Trigger didn't mistake my mirth for distress. Trigger didn't miss a beat after that first startle - he got the head bob going, and off we went, still at speed.


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

well... I farted in the ladies bathroom once. I thought I was alone so I let her rip and then I noticed shoes next to me... 

I hurried out of the stall and washed my hands as fast as I could and then darted out the door but the problem is... I'm the only one in the entire building that wears converse sneakers to work..... 

I'm so embarrassed....


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

While we're at it, this can be an embarrassing but funny story thread too.

The first time I let Trigger off his chain, we were in an arena. Until that day, I'd ridden in ordinary bras... today I had on a demi cup.... anyone know those? Great for support and uplifting, but not so great when you're riding a horse with extra bounce in his giddyap.

On a clock face - I gave up holding him back at the 3 oclock position - that's due west in our neighbor's roping arena. 12 oclock being due South - that's when I first detected a problem. Trigger however was in no mood to here WHOA BUDDY! He put on another burst of speed! Exhilaration made me momentarily forget the issue at hand...

By the time we get to the 11 oclock position, I now have a serious problem. My right hand has reached around, without my bidding, and has an iron grip on the cheyenne roll.... which is better than a panic-grab for the horn, IMO, but it causes my left shoulder to drop just... enough. Down goes my bra strap, I detect an absolute BOUNCE and from there on, I had real problems - this horse ain't slowing down, and now my fragile balance and new-found joy in the run is slipping. A tighter grip on the saddle doesn't help matters. 

My field of vision has narrowed down to what's immediately in front of me as we make the bend. I see Superman!? (WHAAATTT!?) STANDING THERE BROADSIDE, ASLEEP, head down, INSIDE THE ARENA. WHAT? WHEN?

I see B - in a bright orange long sleeved T-shirt, standing like THIS: T in front of Superman. Without realizing it, I shift my leg pressure, Trigger is way ahead of me though - he jukes to the left, we thunder past... and I sense my left Girl is totally liberated from the confines of my support garment. 

We made a 3/4 trip around that arena, I manage a whoa... Trigger comes to a hopping stop, sides heaving, prancing and showing off... And all I can breathlessly say about my first sorta controlled full gallop (without coming out of the saddle during a bolt, btw) is:

MY BOOB FELL OUT!

(I invested heavily in Chantelle sports bras with the optional hook and eye to make them a racer back after that.)


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

I have never had any issues with my girls falling out. Infact... I really just wear the support garmets because everyone else does. I'm pretty sure I don't need them. I always buy a B-cup bra because I refuse to admit that I'm an A. I refuse to wear a sports bra becasue it makes me look like a girl pretending to be a boy...

I did however rip my pants mounting at a show once. I was in the practice ring and thought, well... I'm in the saddle so it's not going to be noticeable. That was back when the thongs were cool. Remember when you wore your jeans so low that the top of your panties showed in the back and then you had a little dangly cutesy ornament on the drawers...? Yeah well... They don't exactly hide much so when I dismounted I was thinking I had a cute little rip across the bottom, you know? Like a daisy duke kind of jean. I actually felt pretty sexy walking back to the barns. It wasn't until I got to my stall and my husband kind of cocked his head sideways and had this "What the...." look on his face. My jeans didn't rip across the bottom of my rear. No, they ripped starting at the top of my pocket and going all the way down the leg so I walked all the way from the rings to the barn with an entire cottage cheese filled butt cheek hanging out....


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## BlindHorseEnthusiast4582 (Apr 11, 2016)

AtokaGhosthorse said:


> While we're at it, this can be an embarrassing but funny story thread too.
> 
> The first time I let Trigger off his chain, we were in an arena. Until that day, I'd ridden in ordinary bras... today I had on a demi cup.... anyone know those? Great for support and uplifting, but not so great when you're riding a horse with extra bounce in his giddyap.
> 
> ...


Another reason I always wear a sports bra that has no hooks or other similar things keeping it "attached" :rofl:

I actually don't recall any particular funny "fart moments", horse or otherwise, but I'll be happy to read all of these!


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

@farmpony84


Oh. My.


LOL Y'know. My drawers still show over the tops of my jeans - because I'm old enough to want drawers that go to my navel and most jeans do not. LOL


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Teddy is very proud of himself that he has learned to lift his hooves, especially the back ones, to be picked, rather than me having to pick them up. He often gives me an "extra gift" when I'm back there picking them out. Just love it when I've got my head near his butt and his tail starts to go up ever so subtly...

Moonshine tends to let one out when being girthed. I can assure you all that we girth her very gently, and quite loosely, waiting until mounting to finish tightening, but she still lets out one anyway.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

My sister use to show jump a pony, Timber. 
When he was broken and started working over poles and caveletti, he would fart all the way down the grid. He stopped doing this and reserved his wind for over actual fences. After a while, this too stopped. 

At a big show in a regional finals for a major junior competition Timber decided to let rip over a couple of the fences that were bigger than usual. That brought some sniggers from the audience. In the jump off the fences were BIG, Timber proceeded to fart all the way round the course, the bigger the fence the louder he farted. 

The people on the judges box were hardly able to speak they were laughing so hard. 
Little sis swore she wasn't going to take him around another big course ever again!


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Funny story...why not. :lol: This thread is hilarious already! 

On my old lease horse Redz, we were trotting one night...he farted, then when I was rising up (I was posting), I farted. BUT everyone thought it was him farting again. :rofl: So I got away with it, LOL!!

Promise, my current horse, likes to fart (silently, but still) when I am picking her back hooves. I swear she does it on purpose...then she turns around like 'yeah, I farted, so what?!' :lol:


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## Golden Horse (Feb 20, 2010)

Riding my Haffy through the beautiful countryside, I felt the need to fart....there is nobody for miles around, no need to be lady like, just let rip.

On reflection maybe I should have half halted, or warned Fanct in someway, because she took off like a shot. Took me a while to get her back, and she never settled all the way home.

The Awesome Mr Gibbs, with the great sense of humour, one of our tests calls for a 5 second halt at C, right in front of the judges car, tent or whatever. Apart from at one indoor show, where they have a raised platform, right at horse height. So Gibbs, bless him decides that’s the time to add a 5 second fart to the directions...

You bet I was looking forward at that point, not a sideways look at all...


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

I'll tell off on myself once more before I go for the day - I gotta get feed, get home, change boots and shirt and get after it... but...

For many years (10, actually) I worked for another attorney. At the time of my hiring, he had an older lady there, in her late 60s, prone to dramatics and theatrics and constantly 'ill' and missing work. I learned to dislike her quickly and this is not the story, but she was later discovered to have been embezzling large sums of money from the office.

Until then, she was always on about something... one time she walks up to my office, and it was adjacent to the lobby, starts acting faint, staggering around, loud Oh, Oh... Pain... So much Pain! *Dramatic back of the hand to the forehead* and I'd been there for about 5 years by now and my mouth ran away with me... my filters were gone... I said: Jolene - you gotta lay off those burritos, maing.

But here's the real story - imagine the woman prone to theatrics and being a nosy busy body.

One afternoon, its just me, her and the boss there, and boss is a VERY professional attorney, not prone to a lot of warmth with employees but still one of the most animated and wonderful people I've had the pleasure to meet in my life. I released a hot one. He is waaayyyy back in his office, working. 

I thought I was safe.

I let one rip. It was absolutely silent, but scorching hot, and the scent of Eau de Taco Casa filled the office. It was bad. Far worse than even I anticipated. It was one of those that increased in degree with exposure to oxygen. 

HERE SHE COMES... being nosy and bossy about something, I can't remember what, but she was always up in my files, and not doing HER job.... and she hit the invisible wall. 

Starts GAGGING and flopping around, OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

Me: I don't smell anything. *turns around innocently in my chair*

Her: *takes a deep breath* Don't you SMELL that!?

Smell what? 

She is literally sniffing all around my office now, taking deep breaths and I am not saying a WORD because y'know what? She deserved it.

I let her assume it was the city sewer line into the office backing up. She went so far as to CALL THE CITY to come pump the line!

This is the first time I have ever admitted this to anyone, and I've certainly never confessed to acting innocent because I really wanted her to keep inhaling the methane. I did, and I let her.


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

Golden Horse said:


> Riding my Haffy through the beautiful countryside, I felt the need to fart....there is nobody for miles around, no need to be lady like, just let rip.
> 
> On reflection maybe I should have half halted, or warned Fanct in someway, because she took off like a shot. Took me a while to get her back, and she never settled all the way home.



I had a similar thing happen. I was out riding alone on my green gelding and farted pretty loud. He jumped at my fart and farted too! I got such a good laugh out of that. I think he was "fart broke" after that. :lol: That's one of my favorite memories of riding him, actually. :smile:


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

I was never prone to farting much but I could belch to get an becalmed yacht moving at a rate of knots. 

Now, most people, if they have had an operation that involves being cut open have a 'windy' day soon after. I knew this and in the ward, after I had had my op, I said, "Ladies, I have a feeling this is going to be my windy day. I am NOT going to suffer for the sake of being polite so, I apologise now if I let it rip. I am not going to apologise again and would like you all to feel free to do the same." 

Sure enough a couple of hours later I needed to belch so I let one, fairly loud, rip. Minutes later I did another - this was a mother and father of a belch, it even shocked me. "I just said, "Beat that!"
It reverberated around the ward and most people remarked on it and had a good laugh. It set the scene for everyone letting rip, saved a lot of discomfort all round. 

Now, I rarely ever belch but I sure can fart. I don't know why this is as one ages farts get stronger.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

When I was an eighth grader I had a very stern teacher. I didn’t tend to misbehave though, so I am thinking she should have taken that into consideration.

Anyways, I had the farts something terrible one day. I would pretend I needed to blow my nose and step outside of the classroom onto the porch and take care of the problem. Apparently the teacher thought I was just being an issue, so she scolded me when I stood up again and said I needed to go back to my seat.

My eyes were big and I said “okay.” I was trying so hard to hold it in and the loudest fart ever came flying out. Eyes proceeded to get bigger as everyone turned to look at me. Stunned silence as my jr high humiliation grew. Then, the most popular boy in the class started to laugh. He said, “I never knew something so big could come out of someone so small.” Everyone laughed and so did I, and it simply went away.

I was so grateful for his joke instead of the meanness I was expecting. Lol


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

We eat a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables, lentils, peas, beans etc at our house, so already have a higher than average output. We try to be polite and go off to the toilet or at least another room to let one off. There are ways of making sure it's silent too, but it would look rather incriminating were you to try that in public view, because it involves grabbing your gluteal muscles and pulling them sideways.

When I was a child, a friend and I worked out how to reverse fart after farting, by sticking our bums in the air in a sort of Yoga downward dog position. You could sort of breathe in and out through your posterior orifice, which we thought was vastly amusing. We also thought shuffling along on socks on synthetic carpet and then zapping each other was great fun.

My worst fart story is about corrosive, extraordinarily smelly farts. This was as a result of going on an SSRI trial when diagnosed with complex PTSD a few years back. Complex PTSD is something that happens when people grow up in families with chronic domestic violence etc, which is what happened to me - and it changes the way a child's brain is wired, for survival - it amps up emergency mode, hypervigilance etc. This means insomnia can become a problem during times of stress, and my GP suggested I trial SSRIs for insomnia and some night terrors I was getting initially as a result of some recovered memories a few years ago.

Some general observations on SSRIs first: Most people who go on SSRIs for depression apparently become more active on them - because abnormally inactive before. If you've got cPTSD without depression, you tend to be hyperactive (not in an unproductive way - actually, for me, mostly in a super-productive and highly focused way - but that's probably not all due to cPTSD either, some of it probably is underlying personality, whatever that is, and inclinations) and perhaps the reason I end up with less activity (and more rest) is that it's swinging you back towards the norm. SSRIs make me super relaxed, so much so that I ended up on half the alleged minimum therapeutic dose so I wouldn't become permanently attached to a sofa and a book. 

One reason I was very averse to the idea of these kinds of drugs is that I did see them turn a university friend who'd been through the war in El Salvador and was traumatised by bombs and body parts into a zombie - she was completely mentally flat when on medication, and stayed like that for years. Obviously there's different drugs and doses and individual responses, but that was my biggest misgiving about trying it, and it's why my GP said, "Unlikely at that dose and if it does happen, just stop taking it."

And it never, ever affected my mental clarity, ability to converse, think, write, etc etc. It just made me want to sit in an armchair while doing so. I never had the feeling that I wasn't me. It affected my stress responses in a positive way - and made me far more relaxed, to the point that I had to learn to kick my own backside to get moving again!

I'm now going to tell all about the worst side effect I had when I first went on SSRIs three years ago. I initially told nobody but my husband this, and I didn't need to tell him, as you will see! Here I was fearing that it was going to be like a chemical sort of lobotomy, something that would adversely affect my me-ness, my thinking etc. And you know what I got? ...the worst-smelling farts in the known universe. I swear they were corrosive. I could feel them eating into my skin as I was holding my breath and running out of the room. They clung to fabrics; I was forever washing my underwear and pyjama bottoms and even outer pants because this was so vile. It could have been bottled and sold as a chemical weapon.

I looked this up online since none of this was mentioned in the pharmaceutical leaflet, and yes, some people have this reaction! And because it didn't settle, it's the chief reason I went off it the first time. Instantly back to normal stink. But next time I was on them, it was much better, and on the third rotation, that side of things stayed normal. ...The gut is very sensitive to serotonin, and it was slowing down my gut a bit too much to start with, which is why the brew got really disgusting (extra matured)...


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## Woodhaven (Jan 21, 2014)

When my second husband and I were dating, we were mature people, he was 60 and sometimes when out for a drive and after stopping to get something to eat I would be very uncomfortable with gas and too polite to release it so I just suffered through, I found out later that my husband's sense of smell was non existent due to too much exposure to silo gasses and he couldn't smell anything, If I had only known then but he never mentioned it.


I was listening to a talk show one time and they were talking about the radio shows that got the most response from the public and he said you won't believe it but it was a show on flatulence, he didn't even want to do the show but was the most popular bar none that he ever did.


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## ksbowman (Oct 30, 2018)

I was once on a hunting trip in northern Kansas on a friends mom and dads farm. His wife came in for the weekend and we all went over to her mom and dads in a small town 40 miles away for a fish dinner. We over in a nice roomy Buick three of us guys in the back seat and his dad drove , he sat in the center and his mom was on the passenger side. We ate a great meal fried fish, fried potatoes/ onions, baked beans and coleslaw all prime offenders for gas production. Going back home afterwards I was sitting in the center of the back seat and the gas was building. Soon I knew there was no use fighting it any longer and passed a silent one with lots of volume. His mother was the first to notice, She was one who wouldn't normally say a word, but this wasn't normal. All the sudden she uttered the words " Ohhh my!" and all four windows went down simultaneously and let the 20* degree air in and the car got cold but, the staying power of this one refused to leave. I quickly uttered the phrase "Dave, that's nasty" and all thought for a long time Dave did it, not me. LOL


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## AndyTheCornbread (Feb 3, 2019)

I have three embarrassing stories for you all but only one is about myself. I only have time right now for one so I will post the others tomorrow most likely. 

First my brother's story. 

My brother is enormous, he played center in college (American football) he is roughly 6' 4" or 6' 5" and usually weighs around 300lbs. When you looked at him back then it was like looking at Sponge Bob made of muscle, he looked like a meat square with trousers. My oldest son had to come up with Indian names for our family for some stupid school project when he was little and he named my brother "Standing Moose" which as an aside wasn't half as bad as the "Angry Coyote" name he gave my ex-wife, but I digress. 

Anyhow, my brother was and is a huge person, to this day I can't get my fingers closed even halfway around his wrist, he is that big. It's like being around Andre the Giant, you have to see it to believe it. Like many big people, everything about him is big, from his personality to his farts. That boy can darn near blow the doors off a barn when he lets one go and because he eats so much protein the smell is atrocious. Like eye burning, worse than a dog fart, bog of eternal stench kind of thing. 

After he got out of college to stay in shape he joined one of those 24 hour access, unmanned, key card gym's so he could work out at night after his work. He would get on the tread mill, put in his ear buds and go for a jog most evenings as a warm up for 30 minutes or so. One evening he is in there and it is late and he feels the gas coming on so he looks around the gym and there is no one else in there so he let's go one of his signature earth scorchers and continues jogging. As he jogs he feels another coming so he lets that one go, and then another and so on, releasing a loud and deadly haze about every other minute or so. 

When he gets all done he gets off the tread mill and takes out his ear buds and realizes he hears another treadmill going. He turns around and there directly behind him is a tiny little lady who had come in the back and started jogging directly behind him on the other tread mill where he couldn't see her. He smiled, and waved at her and she gave him a look that could have curdled milk so he said he quickly packed up his gear and left. Embarrassingly aware that he had just given the poor lady a 30-ish minute, non-stop fart bath.

I think she thought he was doing it on purpose to be rude.


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

These are awesome, guys!

Iiii never participated in this, I bore witness only, but my senior year of H.S. I took a basic computer skills class, mostly because there was nothing else for that hour that appealed to me. It was a SNOOZE fest... or would have been... except.

I was the only girl in there. The other 10 kids were all boys, all of the ******* football player roper variety. Blue collar kids, all of them. Not a bit of polish. The teacher, God love her, we adored her, and she knew all these boys outside of school, went to church with some, and she was, and still is, HUGE on trail riding, she's one of the solid members of the local trail rider association, so she'd been on loonnnngggggg organized camping trips and trail rides with these boys and their parents.

She regularly got exasperated with them and left the room, leaving us to our own devices.

This was 1991. Super starched, reasonably tight Wranglers were the uniform for these boys. Stetsons, belts with huge buckles, letter jackets.

What I learned in that class was not anything about computers. I can't remember a single lesson.

BUT DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN IGNITE YOUR OWN FARTS?

AND IT BURNS BLUE!?

These guys would purposely hold it in till that class, get her riled up, she'd leave, then it was ON. Someone would have a lighter, usually modified to work like a small flame thrower, and 3...2....1... we have ignition!

I left that class with a face and ribs hurting from laughing so hard.

She asked me on the trail ride back in October (The day Gina about popped the ends of two of my fingers off) if I learned anything in her class. 

I did. Farts burn.

She... was... not expecting that answer. I feel like the statute of limitations has passed though, so I didn't rat anyone out.


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## ksbowman (Oct 30, 2018)

One day I was sitting in my office and no one was around (which never mattered anyway) I cut loose with a doozy. A couple minutes later one of the guys came in to ask a question, the minute he came in you could see the odor hit him. He said " did you fart?" I said of course, " you don't think I smell this way all the time do you?"


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

Oh my gosh, these stories are so much fun to read! I needed a good laugh!


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

It was just before Christmas many years ago. There was a carol service for youth clubs at a local church. The place was packed. Just before the service started a boy about three rows back farted. 
It proved the church had excellent acoustics! The problem was that it sounded as if a girl (who happened to be the sister of the culprit) had let rip. 
I don't think I have ever seen someone go as red as she did.


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## pasomountain (Dec 19, 2018)

Well this isn't about farts but similar. I was on a back country trail ride with my new paso, my sister's and some friends. After awhile I had to pee really bad so I finally had to say something and stop the ride. They kidded me about how nobody else needed to go, lol. Anyway there was a huge rock at the side of the trail so I led my horse around there. His backside still stuck out and I held his reins while I went tinkle. Then I heard everybody laughing--while I was going my horse lifted his tail and took a dump! So we both needed a potty break at the same time.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

AtokaGhosthorse said:


> What I learned in that class was not anything about computers. I can't remember a single lesson.
> 
> BUT DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN IGNITE YOUR OWN FARTS?
> 
> ...


That reminds me of several things.

First of all, our Animal Physiology lecturer at Murdoch University was always telling funny anecdotes, and I've related some of them before. Anyway, cow burps burn too, so what did young Dave and his friends do? Sneak out in the night with matches and light up when a cow was bringing up cud (and associated gas). Blue flame, running cow, but please don't try this at home because it can cause painful internal burns.

Which brings us to the next story. This was in a series of true stories from the emergency room. A man was brought in with bad burns to his buttocks. Apparently what he'd done is sat on the toilet in a leisurely manner on a weekend morning, reading a broadsheet newspaper spread across his lap. He was there for quite a long time, and he was also smoking a cigarette. On conclusion of his smoke, he lifted the newspaper and threw the cigarette butt into the toilet. This caused the gas that had been trapped in the toilet to explode, resulting in burns to his backside. Not everyone makes a lot of methane (it depends on diet and your microbiome at a particular point in time) but this guy was apparently one of those who did. I always used to recount this story to reinforce combustion chemistry to my students, and to offer further proof that smoking is bad for you.

The strangest emergency room story I ever heard involved two people who turned up to hospital simultaneously, one with eye injuries and the other with a burnt rectum. Quite unbelievably, Person A (who was wearing glasses) had inserted a gerbil into Person B's rectum, and was smoking at the same time. Apparently a gas explosion shot the gerbil back out into Person A's face, smashing his glasses while burning his playmate's rectum. This story really made me wonder - were these people from another planet, or is it me? mg: Also, it's a totally inappropriate thing to do with a gerbil, poor thing. Don't look this up further unless you wish to be shocked by your fellow humans...

(In that particular case though, what poetic justice...)


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

A fart, a fart, relieves the heart,
And gives the stomach ease. 
It warms the bed on a winters night,
And suffocates the fleas!


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## SwissMiss (Aug 1, 2014)

AtokaGhosthorse said:


> I did. Farts burn.


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## AndyTheCornbread (Feb 3, 2019)

Embarrassing story two:

This happened to a friend of my aunt. This friend is a VERY conservative Lutheran lady who lives in ND. When this lady and her husband were first married they lived in a small cabin on their farm. They used a combination wood and coal stove to heat their place. Her husband thought it would be a nice touch to have the door of their stove bare their brand as raised metal and it was some sort of metal that looked good and held heat well like copper etc. Every morning before they would go get the cows for morning milking (_my aunt and most of her friends are dairy farmers_) this lady would get the stove going really good and then go help get cows into the barn and then come back inside while her husband milked and get breakfast ready as well as start anything else that was going to need to cook for a long time, like beans etc.

One cold winter morning she had just come back inside and was taking off her winter clothes and getting changed into inside clothes. She had a pair of long johns on (_this was pre-tights days_) and she was standing. When she tried to get them over her one sock they got hung up so she was bouncing around naked trying to get them over her foot when she stumbled on the pile of clothes already on the floor. She fell backward against the stove and it branded her right on her rear end cheek with their brand in reverse. It burned her really badly but she was too embarrassed to go see the doctor about it so she treated herself and eventually it healed up but it left her permanently branded with a really crisp version of their brand in reverse. She only ever told her husband about it at the time, but later that fall she went to the gyno for her yearly checkup and because they were going to try to get pregnant so she wanted to make sure everything was OK for them to start a family. She had forgotten all about the brand until she got naked for her doctor and his only comment on the brand was "_WOW your husband is really serious about making sure his heifers belong to him_". I guess she turned bright red and got the appointment over with as fast as possible.

Now I have never seen the brand but she and her husband swear it is there to this day and she is probably in her 70s now.


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## AndyTheCornbread (Feb 3, 2019)

Story three:

This one is about myself. Back in 2010 I was travelling a lot back and forth to Washington from Montana so I bought myself a new diesel Jetta that got 41 mpg (_17.43 kpl for you metric folks_). I bought it new from the dealership and VW has a really good warranty program so for the free services they do I would bring it back to the dealership. 

A couple of years later they hired a really pretty service manager who was/is about my age and when I was in there getting stuff done to the vehicle she would flirt pretty hard. Hard enough that I noticed and I am pretty oblivious to that normally. I took note and I figured the next time I was up there I would ask her out on a date.

Later that year the transmission on the VW went bad to due an improper service. The service tech put the wrong transmission fluid in there and the transmission ate itself more or less. VW wanted the transmission for research purposes so I took the car up there to have a new one put in. At this point it would still go forward but you couldn't reverse and it would slip a lot but it still drove forward at highway speeds OK.

I figured since I was going to be up there I would ask her out when I dropped off the car and picked up the rental for the week until my car was fixed.

That night I ate something, still not sure what it was but it gave me the worst gas I have ever had. It stunk so bad and would cling to clothes so bad I had to wash jeans after a single wear so the stench would come out. I ran the car up to the dealership with the windows down the entire way so it wouldn't smell like the bog of eternal stench when I got there. I also figured there was probably a better time down the road to ask the service manager out when my backside wasn't committing crimes against humanity by letting off WMDs.

So, I get there and everything is going fine, service manager is flirting up a storm and all of a sudden I get this pain in my stomach like you would not believe. It just about made me double over and I realized my body was about to commit a crime whether I liked it or not. I quickly told the service manager that I had to run and get some info from my car. 

The passenger side door was closest so I hopped in and made like I was looking for something with the door open and let that baby fly. OH MY GOSH!!!! was it BAD!!!! the wind was toward my car and it just blew that fog of stench right up into my car where it set up camp and started making friends. 

Right as that was happening I see the service manager come out a different door and wave at me and run over to the car. I realized she was just going to hop into my car on the driver's side and act all cute and flirty. The world went into slow motion and as fast as I tried to stand up and tell her she probably didn't want to hop in my car right then I was too late. 

My brain was going "*nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!*" but no words came out and she hopped in and went "_so I was thinking..._" and she took a deep breath and that was when the smell hit her. She literally went chalk white as she took in a deep lung full of pure, mustard gas level, toxic fart. She jumped out of the car and started dry heaving, as her eyes were watering and she was gasping and choking I heard her say "_I have to run inside for just a minute_" and then she ran into the bathroom inside where I am pretty sure she threw up.

She hadn't emerged from the bathroom by the time the temp car showed up so I checked out and went home and I never heard from her again. She quit the dealership the following year and went to a different one so I never did get to apologize and or ask her out on a date.

Hands down that was the worst fart I have ever let go in my life so far.


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## Woodhaven (Jan 21, 2014)

One quick solution if you desperately need to pass some gas and can do it on the quiet side and there is a dog in the room, you can always look over at it and say "Bad dog". Might work


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

Woodhaven said:


> One quick solution if you desperately need to pass some gas and can do it on the quiet side and there is a dog in the room, you can always look over at it and say "Bad dog". Might work


That won't work for me - Harley the Schnauzer will jump and run like a gun went off if I rip one off and she hears even the quietest little pffff sound.

And here's a Peeing Outside Story... it was NOT funny then, but we laugh hard now about it.

Several years ago we started making Panama City Beach, Florida, our vacation destination. Galveston is closer, a 7 hour drive, but the water looks like muddy lake water. Hubs hates it, I LOVE it - not for the water but for the many many memories of camping at Bolivar Pass at a time in my life when everyone I loved was still alive. Big family camping trips, twice a year there. Anyway. Hubs hates it.

Florida it is. 

We drive it. It is a 14 hour drive, so we stop at Vicksburg MS and stay a night since it's our our halfway point. Hit the military park, Hubs hits the casino, when the kids were little, I'd take them to the splash park over by the Yazoo river flood wall let them stretch and walk off some energy, play in the water.

Our first time out, we're going with a caravan of friends and their kids. Plan was to leave at a certain time, drive it straight. The kids are old enough to understand this, and I let my daughter, who was 12 at the time, go to a sleep over the night before. She pulled an all nighter, which should have been GREAT - get in the truck, sack out and sleep, right? 

No. Our friends changed the departure time on us and I can't remember how it worked out like this, but that girl had been up for like, 30+ hours and it is 11 pm (Seems like they wanted to leave 10 hours earlier than planned, so my plan of how the kids would feel and act was all thrown off)

But you'd think she'd sleep in the truck? Right?

No no. She will NOT sleep in a car on this trip. I think she was just too far gone, too emotionally spun out, excited, etc.

We have to pass through Paris, TX to hit the Interstate. In Paris, GPS got half our group lost due to road work and detours. We stop at the vet clinic outside of town so they can catch up. It's pitch black, deserted, the lawn and parking area is well maintained, there's a well house in the distance. I said, welp. So long as we're stopped, Imma go pee. Daughter, you come too.

I did not realize she'd never ever, even going fishing and deer hunting and camping, never had she ever peed outside. Whaaaatttt!? How? what?

Anyway, I explain: Plant your feet wide apart, hang your hiney way, way back. Don't let it splash on your feet (We were in our shiny new Old Navy flip flops btw).

OUTRAGE ENSUES. SHE WILL NOT PEE OUTSIDE.

WE ARE NOT SAVAGES! THIS IS MADNESS!

By the time I convince her it'll be fine, no one will see, I hear Hubs yell: LETS ROLL!

That means NOW. 

She changes her mind, won't pee. Doesn't need to. Okay, fine, but our next stop is Monroe LA... are you sure?

Nope, not gonna.

We load up. Son is fine, he peed against the truck tire. Daughter isn't fine. About a half hour into the Rest of the Drive, she needs to pee.

THERE IS NO WHERE TO PEE.

But she doesn't really - she was the WORST about faking out Need to Pee Because Reasons as a kid.

Hubs refuses to scramble to find a stop - because there isn't one.

Daughter begins howling in wrath. Caterwauling, shrieking, crying, carrying on. (Remember, she's really emotionally compromised due to lack of sleep)

She howls out: This is the worst trip ever! I wish I'd stayed home! Take me back now! I wanna stay with Mimi and Papa! HOWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLING in misery. I wannnaaaa gooooo hommmeeee! Hyperventilates from sobbing... it was wild.

She cried till she got a nosebleed. Then calmed down kinda but not really, she was just getting her breath.

I quietly leaned forward picked up my MP3 player (remember those?) which was ran to the truck stereo via aux cord (remember those too?) and put on Sloop John B by the Beach Boys...

We come on the Sloop John B
My grandfather and me
Around Nassau town we did roam
Drinking all night
Got into a fight
Well I feel so broke up
I want to go home

So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the main sail sets
Call for the Captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I want to go home, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up
I want to go home

The first mate he got drunk
And broke in the Cap'n's trunk
The constable had to come and take him away
Sheriff John Stone
Why don't you leave me alone, yeah yeah
Well I feel so broke up, I want to go home

So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the main sail sets
Call for the Captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I want to go home, let me go home
Why don't you let me go home
(Hoist up the John B's sail)
Hoist up the John B
I feel so broke up I want to go home
Let me go home

The poor cook he caught the fits
And threw away all my grits
And then he took and he ate up all of my corn
Let me go home
Why don't they let me go home
This is the worst trip I've ever been on

So hoist up the John B's sail
See how the main sail sets
Call for the Captain ashore
Let me go home, let me go home
I want to go home, let me go home
Why don't you let me go home


And then I started SINGING it. She actually howled at first because I was making fun of her and she was right, I was, then she started laughing... and wanted to hear it again. So, after she heard it two more times, she finally crashed out.

EVERY BEACH JOURNEY we take as a family now, since we drive them, begins with this song on a playlist. And we ALL sing along now. We're taking everyone to Destin in May, baby too - that trip will begin with this song.


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## pasomountain (Dec 19, 2018)

You could probably start a whole other thread about outside toileting! My bf and I loved taking road trips and we literally have peed out in the middle of nowhere all over the western United States. The cool part was we discovered some neat things--like an old miners shack and mine shaft in NV--so we were glad we needed to stop.


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## RegalCharm (Jul 24, 2008)

@SueC.…. go here to listen to the last story you mentioned above about the gerbil.

https://www.horseforum.com/saloon/spin-off-armageddon-801823/#post1970689819


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Woodhaven said:


> One quick solution if you desperately need to pass some gas and can do it on the quiet side and there is a dog in the room, you can always look over at it and say "Bad dog". Might work



You know it is really bad if you let one rip and the dogs leave the room!


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

I forgot to mention - on the outside peeing story - EVERY TIME WE PASS THAT VET CLINIC NOW... if she's not with us, we take a picture with a phone and text it to her. LOL

It's funny now. It sure was NOT funny then.

Also: Telling off: HAD TO PEE OUTSIDE yesterday. Went to Friend who Gave Us Superman's Ranch, got roped into building a cattle trap and a chute out of GOAT PEN PANELS and T posts... and then helping him separate cows from calves that need to be weaned... and a lot of beer was involved. 

So... Into the brush and behind the black berries I go... Give a girl some privacy!

I get done, up come my jeans and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS IN MY PANTS!? I jigged around, got them BACK DOWN, DUG AROUND... 

HAD A COCKLEBURR in the leg of my jeans, mid-inner thigh. Now how the heck it got there, when there were NO tall weeds behind the black berries, IDK, but lo, there it twas.


Also, when Hubs says, no no. Hahaha... no really - you better dress 'punchy' and forget the yoga pants and nikes, he means it. SO glad I went out there in jeans, boots, had pocket knife, flannel shirt, a serious wind stopping hoodie and my gloves. Apparently there's no such thing at friend's house as sitting inside on a crappy spring day and talking and drinking beer in front of the fire. Glad I listened and changed clothes before we left the house!


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

I can't get to that link, @RegalCharm. Perhaps I am not considered sufficiently mature!

Here's my embarrassing outdoor pee story. And it's not the one involving coffee, a horse and a kangaroo I told elsewhere. It's a hiking story.

I've never been sprung horse-riding, but we are also avid bushwalkers (hikers) and once I most mortifyingly got spung in the middle of nowhere in the Blue Mountains, where I thought I was safe and had actually checked the track in either direction and listened intently for any cues of approaching humans, and my walking buddy was actually shielding from one side of the tracks. This was next to a river bend, and suddenly heads appeared over the rushes mid-business. I kneejerk reacted by pulling my hiking pants up, but my directions to my body to stop flow _now_ unfortunately weren't immediately effective, and just as the other walkers were really starting to notice me, I dived in horror into the river fully clothed to restore hygienic conditions.

It was the middle of the New South Wales winter and, while there was no ice or snow, winter in the Blue Mountains is very cold... the water was, shall we say, invigorating. I bathed in what I desperately hoped looked like an intentional, bonding-with-nature manner until the hiker group disappeared, but then my friend came around the bend, sized up the situation and expressed much amusement.

I will now sing the praises of microfibre thermal hiking pants - you can wring them out and they will keep you nearly as warm damp as dry. It was a two hour walk to complete the loop, and doing that in wet jeans would not have been fun!


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## AndyTheCornbread (Feb 3, 2019)

@SueC if she will retell it @Knave has a hilarious and embarrassing accidental peeing and ripped trousers story from when she was younger. 

The most worst "_dive for the bushes_" moment I ever had like yours wasn't due to peeing so let me see if I can tell this in a way that is forum friendly.

When I was first married to my ex we did a lot of backpacking and camping. One weekend we decided to hike way up into a remote lake and fish it. While we were there my ex was feeling "_amorous_" shall we say, and spread out a blanket in the woods removed all her gear and asked if I would care to join her. Me being in my early 20s at the time I said "_*YES, PLEASE!!!*_" and we settled down to work on making my oldest son. In my enthusiasm to join my new wife on the blanket I had thrown my clothes willy nilly onto the bushes leading up to her on the path along the lake we were fishing. About 15 - 20 minutes later right in the middle of our blanket party in the middle of nowhere in the wilderness I hear somebody say "_I wonder where these clothes came from and why they are hanging on the bushes?_" and I hear another voice laugh and say "_I have a pretty good idea why..._" my ex and I dove for the heavy brush faster than bedbugs when you flip the light on. The hikers passed on by laughing as they went and once they were gone I quickly retrieved my gear and I have not since that day been adventurous like that in public at any point. I am comfortable with my decision to keep amorous moments behind closed doors where they belong. While not a fart story it was very embarrassing.


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## RegalCharm (Jul 24, 2008)

@SueC.… to get into the Saloon threads you have to be over 18. And tell the Mods you want access.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

I am sure everyone has heard my peeing my pants story by now @AndyTheCornbread, but I will tell it again.  

When I was in the beginning of my high school life my parents asked me to team rope at a high school rodeo with a family friend who couldn’t find a partner. I said no, because I didn’t feel prepared and didn’t want to let him down by missing. They must have assumed I was being snobby, and they said that I was going to rope.

I was petrified. I still get a bit like that roping for whatever reason, although the following story may explain why. I drew up in the roping and the poles around the same time. My mother was holding my roping horse outside of the track, and I was in the hole for the poles. I look over and the paint horse was in a wreck panicking.

She had clipped the tie down back to itself, and he had stuck a leg through. I must have given my mare to someone, jumped the fence and fixed the situation, or tried to in any case because she ended up borrowing another tie down. Jumping the fence tore the whole, and I mean whole, butt out of my jeans. I was wearing a thong, so I didn’t even have anything covering my naked behind.

I ran the poles and traded horses. I was so scared stepping into the arena that I literally peed my saddle. When you team rope you stand, but I sat my butt deep into my sticky saddle and luckily my partner missed.

When we came out we were by the stands. Tons of people filled the stands and milled around. My mother told me to get off and give back the tie down. I asked if I could go tie my horse up and bring it back. She said no. I said I didn’t have a butt in my jeans. She said to get off the horse. She yelled at me, again she must have decided that was the moment I would be rebellious I guess, and she wouldn’t have any of it. Looking back I should have just rode away and taken the trouble, but I stepped off of the horse. I took the tie down off trying to keep my butt to the horse and said thank you. I’m pretty sure everyone could see my wet saddle anyways and my naked butt and wet jeans. It was awful!


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

On request: A re-post of something I wrote for a fun thread 5 years ago, so remember to +5 for all the years mentioned!









I have been dragging my memory for trail riding incidents that might entertain some people. I don't think that coming across a marijuana plantation when I was riding my mare as a teenager is that entertaining... I do, however, have one entertaining incident - it's just that it's going to come at a considerable cost to my personal dignity to tell it.









I am remembering this because of the coffee thread that's currently on as well. Because coffee has a terrible diuretic effect and I do not recommend drinking a large mug of it before going on a 20km trail ride. I'd not tried to do that before. I mean, any endurance enthusiasts will surely have got toileting on the trail down pat. The men have a natural advantage - no squatting required, therefore less necessity for getting their warmed-up horses to stand very still, and less likely to get startled looks from their steeds. My Arabian mare was very polite about such stuff, clearly getting what was going on. But the day I had the coffee, I wasn't riding her...

No, I was riding my father's then-5yo stallion Chip as part of his multifaceted racing preparation. 20km was an hour's work for him, including warm-up and cool-down. This was a clown of a horse: Played with garden hoses, beach balls, any likely objects - retrieved sticks, and carried them around his paddock cantering in circles, with the big circus finish of standing on his hind legs, stick held aloft. He loved working with people and would neigh and run up to his paddock gate whenever any of us were in the vicinity. He'd fish for the lead rope end when walked and give you "Aren't I clever!" sideways glances when he had it. If you goose stepped next to him, he'd imitate you. Without any question, this horse had the most colourful personality of any horse we've ever worked with.

So in keeping with Murphy, it was _this_ horse I happened to ride after drinking a large mug of coffee. I got halfway into the forest, just 15 minutes down the road, when suddenly cantering along didn't feel so great. That was one heck of a quick diuretic effect... Trotting on the down-transition was, of course, worse. I barely made it off the horse, and performed my first and hopefully last simultaneous dismount/partial undress procedure, landing frog-like in front of the highly surprised horse: What was this rude training interruption - and what was that monkey doing on the forest floor? With great interest and attention, he began to investigate while I pushed his nose away and told him to mind his own business. However, breeches are elastic and I was kind of hog-tied and otherwise engaged, and my arm muscles from floor level are no match for a well-developed horse neck with 400kg behind it. So, I found myself having to move backwards crab-style while trying to avoid any icky splashes. Worse still for my sense of decorum, the horse was beginning to do the typical prolonged Flehmen thing that stallions do when sniffing the droppings or urine of mares.

Then a kangaroo appeared in the bushes, and now the horse, of course, reacted by taking his head right up and trying to swing around to face the new commotion, while I was hopping along on the forest floor below admonishing him and trying not to fall over. And then, of course, I needed to dry myself... I really think only the female riders reading can truly appreciate the predicament, it's such complicated business for us...

At this point, the horse's attention returned to me - I was now more interesting than the kangaroo. Thankfully, at this stage, I was quickly ready to get back on the horse, and we completed the training without further incident.

But, in the 17 years since, I have never drunk coffee again before riding a horse.

Chip is now 23. I am including these photos in the hope of distracting everybody from having temporarily surrendered my dignity to give you all a good laugh.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

It's high time to give this thread a little boot up the backside to get it going again.

So, I refer you to one of our thread exhibits, @AndyTheCornbread, compromising his good name as a young man by following the call of the wild, in a wilderness somewhat more populated by _**** sapiens_ than he imagined it would be when he snatched that interlude with his wife. And, compromising a sense of order and decorum by strewing his clothes willy-nilly all over the bushes... that really wouldn't impress Marie Kondo, the delightful Japanese tidy house guru. She would say that this disarray doesn't _spark joy_ (her words), and I quite agree. I would find it unthinkable to have a marital interlude with untidy rumpled clothes heaps in sight - or even out of sight - I still know they are there; the universe is unbalanced - I refer you to Marie Kondo for more information:






Anyway, his story sparked a memory where someone else rather embarrassed themselves that way, but after the fact. Yours truly was an innocent little undergraduate in the Biological/Environmental Science programme at Murdoch University, just minding my own business in a laboratory session for the Cell Biology course. We were performing those ubiquitous cheek cell smears on ourselves that are run of the mill basic cytology exercises - you know, "Wow, proof even _I_ am made up of cells! My world is shaking!" So I was peering down the light microscope at a mount of my very own oral ephitelial cells, when I heard an exclamation from a fellow female student. "There's something strange here. It's got a tail." The demonstrator went over, took a look, and said, "That, my dear, is male gamete..."

These laboratory sessions were three-hour affairs, and this happened in the first hour of the laboratory. The poor girl was blushing like a beetroot for the rest of the afternoon - probably the worst of it was being a person studying to become a professional biologist, and she didn't recognise what she was looking at, and thereby compromised her privacy...

inkunicorn:

I have another little story, this one set in a Biology classroom in Year 11, when yours truly was an even littler, even more innocent student, and a mere 15 years old. So innocent was I, in fact, that I did not understand the punchline of a joke our teacher was telling us to get our attention at the beginning of one particular lesson. Mr Ron Turner ascended onto the platform behind the teacher's laboratory demonstration bench, and asked his motley teenage crew, "Why does Humpty Dumpty no longer fall off the wall? ...Because now he's got a girlfriend, and he's always knocking _her_ off."

In my defense, English is my second language, and I'd been speaking it five years at that point. While I was representing my school at spelling competitions and winning creative writing prizes only two years after arriving in Australia at age 11, it took me somewhat longer to get used to all the colloquialisms. So I was sitting in the class, scratching my head, and saying, "But why would he do that? Why would he be so mean? What's the point in having a girlfriend if you're going to push her off the wall for your amusement?" People around me were going :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: at both the joke, and my total lack of comprehension in the matter. It took me a few more years before someone finally explained that colloquialism to me. This is pre-internet. Now you can just google these things...


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

AndyTheCornbread said:


> @*SueC* if she will retell it @*Knave* has a hilarious and embarrassing accidental peeing and ripped trousers story from when she was younger.
> 
> The most worst "_dive for the bushes_" moment I ever had like yours wasn't due to peeing so let me see if I can tell this in a way that is forum friendly.
> 
> When I was first married to my ex we did a lot of backpacking and camping. One weekend we decided to hike way up into a remote lake and fish it. While we were there my ex was feeling "_amorous_" shall we say, and spread out a blanket in the woods removed all her gear and asked if I would care to join her. Me being in my early 20s at the time I said "_*YES, PLEASE!!!*_" and we settled down to work on making my oldest son. In my enthusiasm to join my new wife on the blanket I had thrown my clothes willy nilly onto the bushes leading up to her on the path along the lake we were fishing. About 15 - 20 minutes later right in the middle of our blanket party in the middle of nowhere in the wilderness I hear somebody say "_I wonder where these clothes came from and why they are hanging on the bushes?_" and I hear another voice laugh and say "_I have a pretty good idea why..._" my ex and I dove for the heavy brush faster than bedbugs when you flip the light on. The hikers passed on by laughing as they went and once they were gone I quickly retrieved my gear and I have not since that day been adventurous like that in public at any point. I am comfortable with my decision to keep amorous moments behind closed doors where they belong. While not a fart story it was very embarrassing.


I came upon an unclothed woman on a blanket not all that long ago......last summer perhaps? I was riding up a pretty good hill out on the national forest and I rarely see another person out there. And if I do it's in a pickup truck on on an ATV. So I really don't expect to see anyone out there unless I hear a motorized vehicle first. Anyway, I ride up this steep hill, and there are lots of trees and bushes and I come through the trees and here is this completely naked woman on a blanket, back towards me. I pretended I didn't see her (because what else can you do) and kept on riding. Just past her I saw a Jeep parked. But from the side of the hill I rode up you couldn't see the Jeep. I assume her boyfriend or hubby must have heard me coming and hid because I can't imagine her just sunbathing up there.

I've been trail riding over 20 years and that was a first for me. I had no way of knowing they were there or I would have avoided the hilltop. Oh well. I bet they weren't expecting a horseback rider in their wildest dreams either! I wasn't even on an actual trail, just cross-country riding so I think they _tried_ to pick a secluded place........


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

As I age my bladder has got a lot weaker. Often when out with the dogs I need to potty. Now, that is well and good BUT with my problematic back I cannot squat at I use to, I need something to lean against. 

Ideally I come across a stile and will perch my butt on the step and pee. Now, I normally do not see anyone when I go off the usual paths however, you can guarantee that, despite having looked around and not seen anyone in sight for several hundred yards, someone will appear. 

I don't stop. 

.............

Years ago I was busy lambing and foaling. I lacked sleep, naps were all I could get during this hectic time. 

The weather was good I decided to let the ewes lamb outside, I had about 150 at the time. As the home field was chewed up they were on the far field, the other side of the home field, about 30 acres. 

I had foaled a mare that night, once that was done I went on the ATV around the ewes. A couple were lambing but were fine. One ewe who was enormous, kept getting on her back and I straightened her out. 
I saw one ewe had taken herself off over the hill down near the woods, I knew she was going to lamb but had a way to go. 
By the time I got to the stables it was about 5 a.m. As it was going to be a beautiful spring day, I turned the horses out. Leaving the mucking out until later.
I showered and lay on my bed for a power nap. Unfortunately this lasted for four hours. Immediately I awake I thought about the lambing ewe. I was certain she had had problems the previous year and would most likely need help this time. 

I threw on some clothes including an old bra at only had one clip working, a long sleeved rugby shirt and a pair of trousers and high tailed it to the lambing field. 
Straightened out the big ewe, drove down over the other side and, sure enough the ewe was in trouble. My Border Collie, Seal was it me. She wasn't fully trained and having never been handled as a pup disliked people except me. 

I sent her ahead of the ewe who was running along the dry ditch by the woods, I drove parallel to her and launched myself off the ATV grabbing her as she swerved to avoid Seal. 

Ewe on the ground I proceeded to try to straighten out the half protruding lamb which meant pushing it back inside, thus going against nature.
At this point I realised that the sleeves on my shirt would not pull up high enough so took the garment off. As I did so the single bra clip broke and came off too. I threw the lot into the back of the ATV which had stopped and was quietly ticking over a few yards ahead. 

I birthed the first lamb and decided to get the second one out. So there I am arm stuck inside he ewe when Seal started to bark her nervous 'people are coming' bark. She ran back to me and tried to hide between me and the ewe. 

I then heard a mans voice saying "Come on or we won't be there for lunch!" And then saw a pair of legs come into view followed by five other people. Hikers, all that I needed! 
I was trying to straighten out the second lamb when they saw me. They stopped and stared, not a word was spoken. By this time Seal was trying to get in with the unbirthed lamb. 

They just stood watching. Mouths opened in shock. 

Lamb out I needed to give the ewe an antibiotic and drench which were on the ATV.

I waited and waited, they never moved. 

In the end I just got up doing a very good impression of James Herriot, stripped to the waist, walked to the bike, grabbed a towel dried my arm off, pulled on my shirt and doctored the ewe. 
I then got on the bike and as I drove off past the hikers I said, "Lovely day for a hike! You'd better hurry or you'll be late for lunch."

They still never said a word.


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## Lilah (Jan 24, 2017)

True story: I have two Clydesdale mares, and a 14-year-old friend who loves to fuss on them. One day we were out in the paddock grooming them - I was brushing the senior mare, Valley, while my young friend, Courtland was giving Delilah the going-over in the shelter. Valley lifts her tail and lets go a rippin', never-ending, full-throttle fart - I mean, it went on and on and on and LOUD. Like, so long that Courtland has time to stop what she's doing, lean out the shelter with eyes WIDE, and ask, "WHO is running a weed-whacker in the winter???" LOL she seriously thought it was machinery - it went on so long and loud. Valley, ever respectable old gal that she is, never lifted her head from munching hay. Talk about acting innocent


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## RegalCharm (Jul 24, 2008)

SueC said:


> Mr Ron Turner ascended onto the platform behind the teacher's laboratory demonstration bench, and asked his motley teenage crew, "Why does Humpty Dumpty no longer fall off the wall? ...Because now he's got a girlfriend, and he's always knocking _her_ off."...


 @SueC....

How is that possible. We all know that when Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall the first time, all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. :rofl:


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

@RegalCharm, I don't think aristocrats are known for their practical skills... lack of practice, maybe... and horses, of course, lack an opposable thumb... So, my hypothesis is that when all the king's horses and all the king's men had gone, a nice practical peasant came along and fixed the problem, possibly with some superglue. :Angel:
@Foxhunter, you deserve a prize for your involuntary semi-nudist lambing story. The job must get done, right? And nobody gives it a second thought if James Herriot is missing his shirt and bra. You strike me as a very determined and pragmatic person. Did you get at all embarrassed at the time? I know that for me, embarrassment to do with such things is decreasing rapidly with age.

Here's a hypothetical, set to music - it was a cult classic here in Australia in the 1990s, but actually hails from America. What if male anatomy wasn't firmly attached to its owner?






I think the Robert Palmer backing vocalist references (the lipsticked girls) are a good sub-spoof to the main one, if anyone remembers that guy and his infamous (but mainstream) clips. I'm glad someone took the mickey out of that! :clap:


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

SueC - no, I don't get embarrassed over things like that.

It takes a lot to embarrass me and usually it is when a compliment is paid. 

When I was in a racing yard he lads were devils with what they got up to. I never once reacted only to bring them down a peg or two. If I had shown shock or embarrassment they would have won and become ten times worse. 

I did write about it in my journal.


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