# Feeling Hopeless



## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Don't feel like you're a bad person. While I was reading what I saw was in fact a good person. You mentioned more than once being happy for others. I am glad you are back on meds and seeing professional help. Keep that up. As I am sure you know, getting the right meds/ combination of meds is hard sometimes. With depression there has to be some acceptance. Doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help or stay on meds or that things won't improve. But an understanding of its effects on you. There seems to be some kinda event that has you feeling altered in some way. saying things like the person I was before and building back a foundation. What can be worked on in that regard, do so with your therapist.


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## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Hello,

I am so sorry that you are feeling this as I have been through this many times in my life, but you are taking the right steps of getting back on medication and doing counseling. I've thought of suicide a lot in previous years and have actually recently lost my beloved brother to suicide. After this happen I got VERY depress. I used to have horrible depression and anxiety but nothing like this. I gained 60 pounds dealing with my brothers death and lost a lot of friends and lost my boyfriend. I am as well failing classes. I thought about all I wanted to do was to die like my brother did. But I saw the awful DEVASTATION it did to my family and couldn't put that on my family again.

One day I woke up and realized life is going on with out me... and I can be miserable or happy.. either way they both take the same effort. So I have just been doing a lot of positive thinking and started to go out with friends more. I have very positive quotes all around my room and do a lot of things that make me feel better. I do have my days when I still cry. Which there are every reasons too and brush off the little things. I personally am trying to make my brother proud and live the life he wanted to do but couldn't. But i'm still worried about myself and making myself happy. I am on medicine too and go to counseling and it does help, try to change your way of thinking. You are never a failure and please do not complete suicide. I have personally felt and saw the devastation it causes. I wish you luck and hope you can be happy again. 

Stay Strong
Megan


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Hero I am so sorry to hear about your brother.


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## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Thank you Aubie for your condolences.


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## EvilHorseOfDoom (Jun 17, 2012)

I really feel for you. It's a real struggle being on psychiatric medication, I'm on an anti-psychotic and mood stabiliser (quetiapine) and it has me feeling groggy for most of the morning, but it beats the antidepressant I was on, that made me cross-eyed, or the first mood stabiliser I tried, which made me paranoid and have full-blown 24/7 psychosis. But that groggy zombie feeling still isn't any fun at all, and when you don't feel energetic you can start really feeling down, which in itself makes you feel lethargic and so on.

The best advice I can give you, other than continue with the meds as the side effects generally reduce once you've been at full dose for a while, and continue with your therapy, is to ensure you get plenty of fresh air, exercise and nutritious food. It is amazing how much of a difference a healthy lifestyle can make. If you're not so socially anxious that you can't leave your house, go for a walk every day (to the shops, maybe) and concentrate on getting lots of oxygen into you. If it's warm enough, keep your window open at night so your room is well-ventilated.

Eat plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, low-GI carbohydrates like brown rice, wholegrain bread and oat or barley cereals. Try and get in some fresh red meat once a week and lots of dark leafy greens, to keep up your iron levels. Also aim for plenty of omega-3 fatty acids, found in seafood and nuts. Really aim to eat as fresh as possible, avoid processed foods. The only processed food I'd recommend is dark chocolate - that stuff has been my lifesaver. I don't buy it in huge amounts but get minimum 75% cocoa solids, the really dark bitter stuff. It is a real mood booster, as soon as I feel like I'm crashing I have one or two pieces.

My last tip, as someone who has social anxiety (in addition to BPD and bipolar and possibly generalised anxiety disorder) is to aim to contact at least one friend per week - maybe even one that you haven't seen or spoken to in a while. Send them a message to say hello, give them a call or arrange to catch up for coffee. It's something you have to force yourself to do because the depressed part of you just wants to lie in bed and ignore the world, but you do end up feeling a lot better after you've socialised (on a small scale, I find parties to be too exhausting and hard work). Humans are at the basic level a social animal and we need social interaction to be able to be mentally well. This is hard for those of us who run away from social contact, but it's something we have to work on. I've been shutting down of late after a run of emotional crises but am going to make myself catch up with a friend of mine this week.

It's hard living in a house with people who are very close, you often end up feeling left out - and those of us with social anxiety often don't have the confidence to be able to voice our social needs, and make a move to join in the fun, because we're terrified we'll be put down or rejected or laughed at for presuming they'd want us to be involved. But the truth is that most non-SA people are not sensitive enough to realise you're desperate to be involved but don't know how to join in, and won't ask you, because they're just used to people getting involved on their own. It's great when you end up finding a friend who realises your difficulties and actively tries to include you in stuff - until then you just need to bite the bullet and ask to be involved. What's the worst that could happen? They'd reject you? Then they're not people you'd want to know in the first place! This is something you have to constantly remind yourself of - if you make a genuine, wholehearted effort to make contact and people don't want to know you then they're the ones with the problem and they're not worth knowing!

Best of luck, feel free to PM me if you want to discuss anything in private. Big hugs, it's an awful way to feel but


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

<3 You guys are awesome. It's hard talking about this stuff with people face to face sometimes, especially when you're not sure if they'll be accepting about it. So many times I've had my depression and anxiety thrown back in my face, and usually by people that are close to me that I choose to confide it. 

HeroMyOTTB,
I am so glad that you were able to piece everything back together in your life. I can't say I know how hard it is to lose someone so close to you - I only know that it must have been a very stressful and sad experience for you to endure. A manager of mine at work, and a friend, lost her husband to suicide, and while that was years and years ago, I know she still struggles with it. In my "right" mind, if you will, I know suicide is never the answer, and the thing that's always kept me from it is knowing how many people's lives would be affected by it. I've only contemplated it when I've gone completely off the rails - once in 10th grade at my biggest low and then a few months ago when that apartment situation happened. I wish you the best of luck in finding your way back to some sense of normalcy.

Aubie, in regards to feeling altered in some way, I know it has something to do with that apartment situation, but I have never been able to figure out what it was. This last year up until August, I was feeling better than I ever had since I first got depressed and anxious (9th grade). I was confident, always smiling and happy, loved my job, outgoing, had high hopes for the future. The first few days at the apartment were okay, but my mental health deteriorated so rapidly after that that it surprised even me. I was never able to bounce back from that incident. I'm not confident in myself or in my relationships with other people, I want to isolate myself from people because I feel like I can't live up to their expectations, I can't remember the last time I truly smiled, and I no longer know what I want in life, and I'm failing classes, which is what I do when I'm really depressed. It's like someone pulled the plug to my mental health or something.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Oh, Evil Horse of Doom, didn't get the post because I was posting lol. That's some really helpful advice. I know I need to get out more, and I definitely know the in bed feeling.

As far as my social anxiety goes, no, I'm not too anxious to leave the house. I love talking to people, especially older people, and generally do not feel anxious unless it's someone my own age or someone that I feel like I must make a good impression on. I've always had more friends that are older than I am than friends my own age - for example, at my old job, I was friends will all the managers and daytime people, not the teens. I still keep in touch with the managers and older adults. 

Yes, I really need to work on eating better and getting more exercise. Eating was part of my problem in high school because I had this phobia of vomiting - that left me last year, and while I still feel anxious thinking about it or feeling nauseous, it no longer rules my life or causing me to act anorexic. However, I haven't been hungry these last few weeks, and even if I am, I tend to skip meals, usually supper, going to bed hungry but not really caring. I love sugar and have been trying to cut back on that. I've never been keen on exercising, but I do walk quite a bit around campus. I suppose I should try more stuff, though.

Seriously again, thank you guys for just commenting and being encouraging and giving me helpful ideas. I needed outside sources who don't know me personally, if that makes any sense.


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## EvilHorseOfDoom (Jun 17, 2012)

I hate planned exercise myself, and I really don't think it should be a chore. If you don't like going to the gym, try and just build a daily walk in - say if you have a 3-5km trip to work or college, and it's in any way practical, walk it instead of catching the bus or driving. Or if it's a longer way, park or get off the bus early and walk the rest of the way. Walk to the shops. Whenever you need to go somewhere try walking instead of travelling on wheels. More oxygen in your body improves your mood, as does the release of endorphins from physical exertion. Try and walk briskly.

The other thing to do is get out and see some sights. Have a picnic by yourself or with friends, visit a free exhibition, take yourself to the movies (or better still, go with someone else). Be kind to yourself. That was the best advice I ever received, from an emergency ward doctor a few weeks ago after I broke down completely and ended up spending a few nights in a psychiatric facility. So often we're beating ourselves up about something or another, and not being kind to ourselves. Give yourself a hug, focus on what makes you a good person, and don't get angry at yourself for your illness.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> I just could use some encouragement and wise words right now. I know from previous experiences that people tend to get harsh towards these types of posts for whatever reason. *I just want to say that I've already beaten myself up enough about all of this and feel like I am just a bad person, and I am really bad about taking criticism and tend to feel personally attacked*, another thing that I need to get over but haven't. So please, take it easy. I just thought some people on here might have similar experiences or out of the box ideas.


Oh honey, you shouldn't beat yourself up about this!

Let me try and put this really simply and plainly.

You are not the cause of the problems, but you do feel their aftershocks. 

You decided to leave the dorm because the environment was not a healthy one. You left for a reason.. you didn't cause the problems but you were suffocating in them. I know what it's like to share a space with someone that doesn't jive well with you for whatever reason. Every minute is grueling and everything sets you off in some way.

You are depressed because life isn't living up to your expectations of how you wanted it to be. That is fairly common.. life can be very challenging. 

Try not to compare your life to other's lives. I've had so many people tell me they moved out at 16 or 17 or 18 or whatever... I'm 21 and am just taking the plunge. Had I compared, I would have thought "man I'm so freaking behind schedule, I'm a failure!" but honestly I just wasn't completely ready yet.

You are in a very complex part in life. You're in school, you are still dependent in a few areas because trying to be independent RIGHT NOW would be too much at once!! You have to focus on keeping yourself together and rockin at school. It's so easy to lose focus or to become discouraged or 'lazy' as I like to summarize it as. 

Instead of barreling into the negative aspects of this situation, focus on the good parts. The fact that you're dedicated to driving yourself to school, that you came up with a solution that saves your sanity from a toxic roommate situation.. that you have parents that are willing to be there for you, that you're in college! Not everyone gets accepted!

You can do this, it's so hard to turn the focus off of everything seemingly going wrong.. but it can be done.

It's okay to be back on medication.. that isn't a failure. You went through a LOT and honey others would be hiding in the back corner of a very dark closet by now. You are strong, don't let people get to you. 

If she chooses to be ****ed off about lumpy batter, that's her issue. Don't take it as an insult. Just laugh it off like 'firstworldproblems, man' 

You're better than what you're feeling like right now. There's an amazing person hibernating within you. I've seen her in some of your posts


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Everything will be okay. 

Fighting with depression and anxiety is really hard, but there are better times and worse times and so things will get better. 

You're not alone in feeling left out in social situations. Some people just don't slot in so easy and that's okay. There are other attributes that you have that some really social people don't, all in all it balances out. With your friend's new flatmates it's kind of expected that you don't quite fit in straight away. Friendships and relationships can take a lot of time, years even for you to build shared interests. It's hard looking in from the outside and it's hard feeling like you don't belong or something - but it's just a feeling you need to accept. Just like if you're not super social, if you do have difficulties with a few things - these are just part of you. You're who you are in all ways and sometimes that isn't easy, but the sooner you accept yourself and stop comparing your life, choices, abilities etc to others then you'll really start to be able to build your life. You're not strange, there is nothing wrong with you. 

My theory on things is that when things get tough, confusing, tricky then you just do what you can. You stop worrying about the future, stop worrying if you'll pass your classes, if you fit in, if you need to move out etc. Just do what you can. If you can only read one page then do that, if you can only write one paragraph then do that. 

One thing that helps is creating spaces and routines. Sure, you can study just as well at home but when you have focus problems or something it can be good to create a space. While you're at the college maybe put away an hour before classes and an hour after and just go to a private desk in the library and try to study. If you do nothing but stare into space for an hour that's okay, but once you get into the routine and develop a space for concentration and study I think it will come easier. 

In the same way create the spaces at home, a private place to just be you. When you're there you don't need to worry or study. 

Routine, with food or exercise or study or even socialising helps. It really does. Always wake up at the same time no matter what, in my experience as soon as my sleep goes out of schedule so does my mood. 

As far as living with people - I would never live with friends. Each time I have moved in with someone who was already a friend it has turned out badly. Living with strangers is so much easier. Living with people, you don't want to be relying on each other or have expectations of support or friendship. Once you start leaning on someone too much then that's when stress and conflict comes up. Living with strangers you almost always develop some sort of friendship, but it's on different terms. I would really recommend considering living with strangers. It's okay living at home though, lots of people are still living at home at your age, it can important to have support around you.

You can always come and talk on here, most people are kind I think.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Sky - thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sitting here crying that they were so kind. I know I compare myself too much to other people my age and constantly worry about what others think. I'm glad I am not the only one who wasn't ready to move out at 18 or 19 or whatever. So many people have told me that I need to just suck it up and do it, but I just don't think I can right now. I feel like every aspect of my life is just failing right now. But yes, my parents are truly supportive, especially my mom, and she's very non-judgmental about my anxiety with things. They would not allow me to drop out of college, and honestly, I don't know what I would do without going to college. Work at the grocery store forever?

Speaking of that store, I'm back there for Thanksgiving break working again and I have missed everyone and everything there SO MUCH. It was just a rush today, being my first day back. I was actually excited about it, I smiled when I was there, had quite a few laughs with my manager and friend who I swear gets crazier every time I see her, and one of my favorite older coworkers, like an extra grandma, is home from Texas and is working there again to make money. She is so, so sweet. Some of my customers were so happy to see me, and I was so happy to see them. For once since quite a while, I felt confident, happy, and energized. But I'm so sad because I know at the end of this week I will leave there again. I have so many friends there, customers, other workers, even the managers! And I've been back only one day and am already dreading leaving it again. Even when I was most depressed, the grocery store was always something that would perk me up. I'm just so upset that I have to leave it behind until Christmas break, and after one day, I'm wondering how I can function without it. Crazy, huh? 

Saskia, I totally agree that you should never move in with friends. You're totally right. And you're right about making a routine too. I do have my own space at home, my room. I also really enjoy the living room couch. At school, I frequently go to the Global Café or Library Chapel where there are not a lot of people. 

I'm glad to know that there are some people out there who do not fit in so easily in social groups. I love to talk and socialize, but groups tend to be too much for me, and in a group of three people, I find that I am almost always the third wheel or the one people gang up on. 

It's also comforting that you say that it's okay to do only what I can do. Very comforting.

I've been called out on here sometimes, and I think a lot of it has to do with how I handle social issues and not explaining that I am not confident with situations gone awry. Either way, it really stings and chases me off the Forum for a while. I need to learn to take criticism a lot better, I know.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Please don't let some responses chases you off. You should actually post more.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I should post more? Lol, I feel like I've just flooded this thread with all of my feelings and drama. But for more of a post...

I've been doing really great right about until after I get off work. I love my job, I feel happy and smiley, personable, almost back to myself. I work with so many fun people, if one's not around, the other is! But last night, I just broke down in tears because it's only for this week. I dread going back to school. I feel so safe at my job - they're pretty nonjudgmental and they are all very happy to see me. Even the grouchy old lady can't bring me down! 

Basically, work is like a high for me. I feel great when I'm there, but when I get home, I come off of it pretty fast and feel miserable. :-/ 

I also feel like I'm doing something for myself by making some money. I feel competent at my job. 

Can I say something else? To be honest, I dread seeing my friend back at school. I'm not really quite sure why. Maybe it's because I feel like she is really judgmental when it comes to me but then is really easygoing with other people. Here at home, I can just be myself and everyone just takes it like it is.


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## Tack Collector (Nov 10, 2009)

> I'm failing two of my classes, and it's probably too late to turn it all around. It's so hard for me to concentrate and sit still in class *and listen to stuff that isn't exactly appealing. I feel like I can never buckle down and study or do homework because I get anxious about it or can't focus.* Besides that, I write for the school paper, and I've had numerous things go wrong with all of that, and it just causes me a bunch of stress, but I need the experience for a resume.


Forget that particular degree. You're just not interested enough in the subject material. That's the way I was in nursing school: I was all pumped up beforehand, and I got accepted to 4 of 5 RN programs I applied to. But after I got in there and found out that nursing was more motherhood and janitorial service than science, and that too many patients see nurses as Mommy and too many nurses get off on that, I knew it was over for me. I like science and the pathology of disease and the mechanics of the body interested me. But taking care of stupid people who are too lazy to even try to take care of their own health really ground my gears. So, I quit. And the day I drove down the road knowing that I would never set foot in that nursing school again, it felt wonderful like a definite win. 

Go to your guidance dept. and take a Strong or Campbell interest survey or similar interest and aptitude test. Then talk to an adviser who can steer you into a practical degree that is vocationally oriented. If you are shy and introverted, then the people professions are not going to be a natural fit for you. Maybe even learning a trade would be better, since you said you like working but you are not happy in the university setting.

Somebody once said "Shyness is selfishness." Keep that in mind when you feel like retreating. Most people are wrapped up in themselves and their families and their personal interests. They aren't uber-focused on you or whatever you are doing, so there is no need for you go go around feeling anxious all the time. You are just imprisoning yourself and holding yourself back. You have to grow up, deal with the rest of the world, pull your own weight. Life is unpleasant much of the time nowadays. Learn to toughen up and deal with it. What are you going to do when you don't have your parents to help you? Develop a plan for yourself. There is nobody stopping you but YOU. Seriously.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

TackCollector,
I wish it were as easy as that. I really do. Do you think that I don't know that this is a personal problem? Do you know how many times I've wanted to just get over it? I DON'T KNOW HOW. I'm sorry, I know you are trying to help, but this has been something going on for years and years. I've been off and on depressed and anxious since high school. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I doubt you have ever experienced "generalized anxiety" or "social anxiety," two things that are actual illnesses. Yes, everyone has some anxiety some of the time. But most people don't have it all the time. Telling someone who has social anxiety that other people aren't focusing on them doesn't work. Because, when you're holding a conversation with them, when it counts that you sound a certain way or say certain things like at an interview, you're being focused on. <---That is my social anxiety. When I feel like I have to make an impression or when there's a problem between me and another person, that's when I get scared and freeze up. I can talk to strangers. Very well. I like to talk to people, I feed off of positive or funny interactions with people. I'll talk to anyone as long as I am not required to argue, convince, or make an impression. I don't think I could do a job where I didn't interact with people. I stayed at the grocery store for what's now 4 years because I loved the little hometown atmosphere and being able to work with the public and get to know the community. Please tell me how that is shy.

Second of all, I don't get a choice in taking these classes because they're gen eds. I was supposed to have completed them with my associate's degree from the community college (or be exempt, whatever), but because the community college didn't let me know that my one AP class in high school didn't count for university but counted for community college, I'm stuck taking them all over again. 

As far as careers go, it's hard for me to tell because I'm two different people between depressed and not depressed. When I'm not depressed, I am so outgoing and happy. When I am depressed, I tend to want to spend more time alone and find that I do not smile quite as much. I loved journalism when I wasn't depressed. But now that I'm trying to get that under control, I can't tell whether or not I really don't like journalism or if it's just runoff from depression. 

I want to get my college degree. I feel like there will be so many more job openings for me with a bachelor's degree, regardless of the major. Plus, I have 2 years left of school, technically I guess, and it feels wrong to quit when my parents have put all that money into helping me get my degree in whatever. I don't know what kind of trade I could do. I'm not into welding or anything like that - that was never for me. I find many subjects interesting, but only if I can be more hands on with the subject and learn what I need to know that will be helpful in life. All this math, science, liberal arts....I don't think I'll ever use that. I want information that will help me in everyday life or something with a sense of practicality, not all this liberal art nonsense that isn't usually useful to life. 

It's like a catch 22. I don't know what I want out of life, but I don't want anything because I'm depressed. 

Oh, and one more thing: I will not be reliant on my parents forever. Do not assume that I will be. But right now, I can't do it all myself. Whenever I get a chance, I go back to work to earn money. I'm trying to be more independent, but it's a lot to take in. It's certainly not the same for everyone, and while I'm glad you seemed to have found your way, it's taking me a little longer.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've dealt with many of the same issues. Try not to compare yourself to others. And try not to put pressure on yourself to live life on someone else's time table. Take things at your pace. If that means living at home for a while, do it without feeling guilty. If your home is an emotionally healthy environment, you're better off there while you get your meds worked out and get feeling good again. And if you need to scale back and go to school part-time for a while while you figure things out, do it. Maybe you need to work part-time at the store and go to school part-time for a while. Maybe something else. But it's your life and only you can know what's best for you. Pay no attention to those who are judgmental and critical. Some people just don't understand true depression and anxiety because they've never experienced it, and they try to compare it to their own experiences. Hang in there. You're going to be fine. It's clear to me that you're not a freeloader who's taking advantage of your parents. You just need some time and support right now. And pets certainly help too! Life will always have challenges, but we learn from each one and get stronger and wiser so we're better prepared to meet the next one. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

hoiski said:


> I'm so sorry you're struggling. I've dealt with many of the same issues. Try not to compare yourself to others. And try not to put pressure on yourself to live life on someone else's time table. Take things at your pace. If that means living at home for a while, do it without feeling guilty. If your home is an emotionally healthy environment, you're better off there while you get your meds worked out and get feeling good again. And if you need to scale back and go to school part-time for a while while you figure things out, do it. Maybe you need to work part-time at the store and go to school part-time for a while. Maybe something else. But it's your life and only you can know what's best for you. Pay no attention to those who are judgmental and critical. Some people just don't understand true depression and anxiety because they've never experienced it, and they try to compare it to their own experiences. Hang in there. You're going to be fine. It's clear to me that you're not a freeloader who's taking advantage of your parents. You just need some time and support right now. And pets certainly help too! Life will always have challenges, but we learn from each one and get stronger and wiser so we're better prepared to meet the next one. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Solid all the way around.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Hoiski,
Thank you so much. Lately, I feel like I can't open up to anyone. I've tried before, and people seem to want to tell me how to live my life more than just listening. And that's kind of what I want, someone to listen. It seems like every time I try to confide in someone, they just don't get it. My friends don't get it, my parents don't get it, and I don't really share with anyone else except my counselor. My psychiatrist comes off very judgmental, but then again, I'm a sensitive sort, and when I'm like this, I have a lot of trouble distinguishing rightfully feeling criticized or being too sensitive. 

I guess this week has been super hard because I am back working at the store, and it's such a relief. Of course, everyone wants to know how college is going, and some of the people I'm closest to there have backed off from the subject, knowing how the apartment situation went down and how I felt about some things - I didn't divulge my depression or anxiety to them. Only two of my coworkers (managers, haha, nonetheless) know that I'm on antidepressants, and only one of them knows some of my experiences with it. But the rest of my coworkers all want to know about where I'm living, when I came home, how I like college...I can't lie to them, I tell them it's okay, and that my living situation fell out and I couldn't find living down there because of the influx of students (partially true) at such late notice, so I drive back and forth an hour and a half - I don't know if I mentioned that before. Some of them are whatever about it, but some of them keep telling me I'm crazy, that I'm losing money, and what about the Iowa winters? I don't know what to say to them. This money, by the way, is coming from my own bank account. I tell them I do have places to stay overnight if I need to, that I drive a truck so it's better through the snow, that I drive carefully in bad weather and am not afraid of it. But they still persist. I wish I had never gone off to college down there, but it's about the closest university and has one of the best journalism programs, though sometimes I'm not confident that journalism is the way to go, but I am too tired to go through another change that would require more schooling, and I don't know what I would do anyway.

I can't work at the store forever, I know this much. I love the place, but there are no full-time positions open, and although the people I work with on a day to day basis are lovely, the owners are greedy penny pinchers that don't pay their employees enough or hire competent head managers - ours is a socially awkward guy who 99% of the time can't reprimand anyone! Everyone tells me it's a dead end street, that I would get tired of it anyway, that I should just keep going to school. I probably would get tired of it, and it is a dead end street, but I do love the atmosphere, my coworkers dearly, and interacting with customers. 

Such is my life. Prayers that I make it through leaving the dang store again for school.


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## Tack Collector (Nov 10, 2009)

Stop wallowing. Really, you are just ruining your own life. If you ever snap out of this and move on, you will look back and kick yourself for wasting so much of you youth on it. Seriously, you will. You don't have any problems that can't be solved. I'm middleaged, and I am giving you good practical advice. 

I used to be painfully shy as a kid, but I found my element when I got OUT of my stupid small town of dumb jocks and cheerleaders and highschooler's drama, and got into the city and engineering and a corporation where people have something far more important to do than form bumpkin cliques and nitpick over trivia, haha. 

Actually I do know all about high anxiety, because I went all the way into PTSD and paranoia and extreme fear and being afraid to drive or walk or go anywhere while going through my divorce. (Not that it stopped me. I just did it but was scared half out of my mind the entire time.) It didn't help, either, that the ex and his family had access to AT&T telco equipment, my phones were tapped illegally, my home was bugged, and I was being GPS-tracked via cellphone. Finally law enforcement had to tell them to cease and desist or go to jail. AND I weaned myself off of Xanax, without any help whatsoever. And if you've ever been on that long term, you know that the rebound anxiety from going off of it has to be kept on a very short leash and not allowed to drive you back to taking Xanax. 

How do you handle anxiety and fear? You stuff the emotion down, you stop being a baby, you become a hardazz, you grow up, and you go out and get something accomplished. It's really that simple. Doctors and behavioral therapists don't always give advice like that, because if everyone who needs help gets well, the doctors and therapists have to round up new clients to pay the bills. Your roommates and the adults are probably acting weird toward you because you are failing to make the transition from teen to adult.

I am not a fan of the Catholic church and its role for women, but one thing they do understand very well is the concept of duty, and how you do not let your emotions rule you. Like, you don't always get to do what you LIKE, and life may and will be very unpleasant at times, but you suck it up and do what has to be done. Master that ability, and you will be a free woman. 

I wish you all the best.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Tack Collector,
Alright, I do admit that you do have some very valid, good points, and I am glad to hear that you got over your PTSD/anxiety/paranoia, especially after the ex went all "stalker" on you. Yikes. 

However, I do have a few things that I'm not quite sure I agree on, but I would like your viewpoint of them.

Oh, and yeah, I've never taken Xanax, or any drug that's been mainly used for anxiety. I've always been on anti-depressants, and my counseling has always been for anxiety, which, at the time of high school, I struggled with a phobia of vomiting. 

You're right, I have no unsolvable problems, but you have to admit that it isn't easy walking the shaky bridge to the other side, metaphorically. That being said, I have also never been a "hardazz" as you call it. I don't know if being that comes from a personality trait or is learned. Towards other people (which I would think would mirror myself), I've never been one to tell people to get over themselves or whatever. I haven't been in their shoes, so I don't know what they're dealing with - I'm not them. I offer support, make some suggestions, and try to listen. 

Which brings me to another thought that I had. When I was over the hump with depression and anxiety this past year, I started feeling frustration for people that were depressed or anxious. Suddenly, I could no longer empathize. I wonder if many people feel that way. Once they get over their illnesses, they forget what it is like to be there. And now that I'm back, I realize that I was wrong to judge. 

Why are 1 in 5 people of America depressed, simply? Why weren't people this depressed farther back in time? Was it because at the time, people thought mental illness patients were cursed or bad? Is it more acceptable now? Or was life better back then?

While I can see that some big shots in the mental health industry are probably in it for patients for money, I don't think I can really back your claim that counselors are for a couple of reasons. First of all, it takes a master's degree to be a licensed counselor/social worker. And you can't say they do it for the money because counselors don't get paid much at all. So, to go to school for six years, you would have to have some sort of passion for the work, for the people. You have to train under someone before you can practice, I believe, but I don't know if that is after the master's or not. Then, you must go about finding clients. Yes, counselors are high-priced; most people that go to them have health insurance that can cover many of the costs. Because of this insurance, counselors don't get paid near what the face-value cost is. If you don't have health insurance, you aren't as likely to have a well-paying job, and in that case, you can't afford to visit a counselor. So counselors deal with suicidal people, sad people, etc. - things that could easily depress the one who is counseling - for not much money. I've checked out a couple of website and counselors make on average $40000 a year. While that certainly isn't as bad as some, teachers make about 38000, according to the BLS, coming into teaching. And we all know that teaching isn't a career field you pick to get rich in. So, there's definitely more than money involved. And, if every 1 in 5 persons in the US is, in fact, depressed, you would think that counselors would have plenty of patients out there. My last point is that, in asking expert opinion for a counselor, the recommended counselor is usually one with a high success rate in whatever area your illness lies in. Based on previous experience, I know it is hard to get into counselors and you must plan weeks in advance at times, and some counselors will even put a cap on the number of patients they see, or patients with certain circumstances, so not everyone can get in. So no, I can't exactly support your claim. 

And, maybe I haven't made myself exactly clear on this, but I am finding I like nothing. I don't want to ride my horse, I don't want to go socialize, I don't want to write - all things that I usually enjoy. I have always been told to do work first (which, yes, I am horrible at) and play later. Well, if you don't like the play, what is your "reward," so to speak, in work? Where do you find passion, happiness? I don't know. I'm probably all turned around, I always have been. I just know excitement or the thought of doing something after working that you enjoy gets you through the unpleasant stuff. When it's all unpleasant, that's a little harder.

And yes, I'll admit, I was probably spoiled, coddled, and overprotected in my childhood. As a child, I was shy and very attached to my mother. I spent most of my time at my grandma's house, playing with the cows and calves. I loved to talk to people once I got to know them. A guy that worked at the farm called me "Noisy." The vet, whom I still know, and still to this day, called me "Mouthy." When I got to pre-school, I had a bumpy, rocky transition and had attachment issues. The teachers thought I should be held back another year because of my underdeveloped, poor social skills, but I went into kindergarten, where nap time became anxiety time, lol. I'd kill for nap time now! But anyway, I loved to talk about the cows at the farm, anything and everything. The other kids thought I was weird. I didn't have friends there. I got along better with the teachers, who always called me sweet and responsible and a non-troublemaker. I didn't get my first friend until the 3rd grade. She was a little weird too, but it a different way. We were friends in high school, and she was probably my only true friend from there. She was socially awkward but super smart and always there, always caring, always supportive. She's in Minnesota now and I only see her on breaks. I've always been the one to get along better with adults than people my own age. I struggle with people my own age and have few friends there, but I flourish in the presence of adults, especially senior citizens. I guess it's because I grew up around adults and didn't interact as much with kids. I've always been cautious of people my own age. And I've never really enjoyed the same things they do. I've never wanted to party, go to football games, whatever college students like to do. I don't care; I know that's always been me. I enjoy getting a paycheck and working with people through customer service. In even the darkest times, after I adjusted, I was always glad to go to work!

Okay, and back to spoiled and coddled. I wasn't brought up doing chores, and I probably should have been. I was never grounded. Never had an allowance. If I went somewhere, my parents always gave me money for supper or something like that. I'd give the rest of the money back. My parents worry like crazy, and I don't doubt that that rubbed off of me. My dad is afraid of me driving, getting raped, getting kidnapped...anything. They would never leave me alone at home overnight because they were vacationing because they never did vacation. I went to a personal baby-sitter when I was young. Mom is self-employed and picked me up and dropped me off from school. They are hardworking but were never able to instill that into me. I did get a job, the one I still work sometimes now, at the grocery store right when I turned 16, and I did pay for much of my expenses, though I do note my parents did pay for 2/3 of my first horse, the fencing, the trailer...all the big stuff. They cover my car insurance and pay for car maintenance much of the time. I pay vet bills, farrier bills, tack, shows, etc. When I got into the community college, I did Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes, and I worked 7-4 on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then usually on the weekends. By time I was in my second semester, I was regularly working 20 hours. That summer, I was only pleased if I got over 30 hours of work. I cross-trained, not only cashiering but stocking, working in the dairy and produce, and tending the greenhouse when we had it. By time I was in my sophomore year, I was working 25-30 hours a week. This last summer, I would have gone full-time if they could have let me. I was basically the sole caretaker of the greenhouse, even though I got so sick of the plants. The money motivated me. I don't get how I can be so motivated at one job but be so lackadaisical in other aspects of life. In no way can I blame my parents as I did have a great childhood, but this is more of an explanation. And yes, I need to change.

As for my friends, I've learned to not really confide, not even to my parents. I don't usually tell anyone about all of this. So, I keep most of it to myself. I'm sure outwardly I do act a little different - quieter, not quite as happy or excitable, and taking more time to myself, but I rarely let people know. 

Why do people transition so seamlessly? Why do I have so many problems with change, even in general? Why do I wake up exhausted with no energy, no compulsion, when I sleep my 8 hours? Why don't I want anything out of life? I don't get this, I really don't. Why don't I have the motivation to do whatever it takes to get what I want? Why do I freeze in uncomfortable situations? I so envy the people that can get everything done, everything organized, without fatigue. 

Why have I posted all of this? Well, because I'm a rambler, first of all. But second of all, Tack Collector, the posts above you tend to disagree with your ideology. And I wonder which way is the right one? Sometimes, I dream of just leaving, on a whim, not telling anyone, and driving across the country, cutting all the people I know off. Maybe then I could learn to be a real "hardazz."


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

I think we all have good intentions and want to help. But the bottom line is that there's no one-size-fits-all solution. What works for one person, doesn't always work for another. So if some advice you read here sounds like it will work for you, try it. If it doesn't work, try something else. I don't believe that's a waste of time. I read a great quote in a horse therapy article: "The outcome of every effort is either success or education--both are invaluable." As a perfectionist it's hard for me to say this, but you don't have to get everything perfect on the first try. In fact, it's impossible as a human.  You're braver and stronger than you think. You've responded tactfully to difficult comments and stated your feelings and opinions clearly. Nicely done! I respect varying opinions and feel we should all be able to voice ours without being attacked. So here goes. I do not agree that shyness = selfishness. There are a lot of reasons for shyness. We all have different strengths and different advantages and disadvantages in childhood and in life. BTW, I've also learned that shyness is different from introversion, which also does not equal selfishness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Doctors vary a great deal and perhaps you should seek another. I have been on anti-depressants for some time now and they do make a remarkable difference once you find the right combination. Keep in mind that it talks almost a month for them to build up in your system and you really won't feel a significant difference till they do. It's very easy to give up on them a bit too early.
You might want to ask your Doctor about Klonopin (common name) as it is especially good for mild cases of anxiety. It won't make your troubles go away, but it will soften them and allow you to get your focus. 
I am certainly not a Doctor, but it may be a valid question for yours.

I wish you the very best


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks guys!
You're all offering so much support, and it makes me feel better knowing that other people have experienced these feelings and have some ideas on how to help, many non-judgmentally.

I think I would make better progress if I didn't feel like everyone is judging or wondering about my somewhat erratic, non-traditional decisions. I feel like my family judges me, as do my friends, and that is really hard for me, especially since I know I am sensitive. It seems like everything is tumbling down at once when I am already overwhelmed and trying to put the pieces back together. My hope is that I recovered and beat it once, so I should be able to do it again. 

Bkylem, 
I have wanted to see another doctor for a very long time, but in my area, there are only 3 psychiatrists, and the one I'm seeing is the one that everyone recommends. My doctor, therapist, and even a psychologist I visited blatantly said that the other two were not recommended. I would go to my regular physician but have learned that they do not typically have specific knowledge on antidepressants and such.

I was and am on Citalopram (Celexa), which was the drug that pulled me out of the rabbit hole enough so I could start to function correctly and go from there. When I had the initial break, I stopped taking my meds - stupid, stupid, stupid. I got back on, and they haven't quite worked the same since. It's been 3 months. Bupropion (Wellbutrin) was added to the Celexa, and while I have been taking it for a month, it does not seem to make a difference. Before, I've been on Zoloft and Paxil. Zoloft stopped working, the Paxil was great but gave me restless legs. 

I often wonder which I should try to treat, the depression or anxiety. Before, it was definitely the anxiety because of the phobia I had, but now, I'm not really sure because I am very depressed but also am experiencing anxiety, this time generalized. I feel like treating the depression would help me be more motivated, excited, and confident in my social skills. It would help me find out what career path I really want. But treating the anxiety would allow me to move out, confront people, and focus on homework, classes, tasks, and such. So I don't really know. I might add that I am working with one of the most recommended counselors in my area, and I like her very much. 

Hoiski,
It is so much easier to respond here in type than through speaking. I would probably freeze up in real life because that's what I always do. I feel ineffective and like a horse at the bottom of the pecking order. I generally am very tactful and diplomatic, one of the qualities I can be proud of - and right now, I'm not feeling too proud of much.  

Also, I'm very much a perfectionist as well, to the point that I think I get so anxious I just want to avoid doing the task because I know it won't be perfect. I'm sure you can relate to wanting to control things as well. Because...I like control.  

I do also agree that shyness does not equal selfishness, nor introversion for that matter. Some people are a little harder to crack. Some don't know what to say or are afraid that they'll be burnt, most likely from previous experience. And introversion is much difference from shyness in that the person does not actually need human interaction to be happy. These people enjoy alone time where they can think and process. An extrovert thrives on human contact - it's what makes them go! Both have their pros and cons, and some jobs are better for one than the other. I have also found that you can be an extrovert that does experience social anxiety. I'm more in the middle of the two, but tend towards extroversion. I love to interact with people, and I feel very happy when things go well. But I also experience anxiety with those interactions, causing kind of a conflict. 

I want to thank you guys again, and do please keep commenting on this thread. Anything helps I guess, and it's good to get some out of the box advice or ideas. Plus, I feel like I virtually have no support system because I feel I cannot tell anyone about all of this - I think my two friends are drifting away, and I feel badly. I do not want to bog them down with this stuff, nor do I want them to think of me as weak or defective or stupid. I haven't quite been acting like myself, and it shows. My one friend, supposed to be my best friend, gets pretty short with me these days about small things, and while I find her roommates very kind and fun people, she always wants to bring them on our outings. Saying no to that would sound selfish and rude, and I like them, I really do. It's just that when she and one of her roommates come along, I go third wheel. They are always making movie quote jokes, and I am not a movie watcher, so I'm a little left out on that. And my friend is always kind to her roommates even when they err, yet when I err, she gets frustrated and snappish. I no longer can make her laugh. It's pretty hopeless. And my other friend, I don't blame her for drifting, as I shut her out when I was going through a really bad month and didn't want to talk to anyone. I briefly explained that I was having a hard time, and she seemed to understand. We hung out as a big group, her friends and my friend and her roommate, this past week. It went well. But I put something on Facebook about the store, and she told me this: At least I was smart enough not to go back there. She's usually so sweet, but I know she was frustrated when I went to her youth group and came back with a guy asking me out(the entertainment of my life - I'm a freak magnet!) that was a little weird. I told him no because I wasn't interested, but she couldn't believe I could go once and pick up a guy. I told her not getting asked out at all is better than being a freak magnet because you don't have to let these poor guys down all the time. They really are weird, and I get them all - it's known by anyone who truly knows me. 

Anyway, that's my one thousand cents instead of two. Again.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

You don't have to choose between treating anxiety and depression. You can treat both. They kinda go hand in hand a lot, and sometimes one medication will help both. BTW, you are a gifted writer. I'm not in journalism exactly, but I work as a writer and editor and manager of writers and editors. Have you always enjoyed writing? Writing has also helped me sort through some of my personal stuff, but I know it's not always easy. Everything is hard when you're depressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I second the gifted writer. You actually have a lot of great things about you. I get the depression and anxiety keep you from seeing/ trusting it.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks guys!
Yes, one of the reasons I went into journalism is because I know one of my personal strengths is writing. I initially started out as a communications major but took a journalism class just to see if I liked it. I received positive feedback from my instructor and enjoyed interviewing people and seeing my stories in the paper. I guess I am lucky because they say writing is quite coveted these days in the business world. I'm am to whip something up quite quickly and without an outline. It frustrated me so much in high school because we had to write outlines. In college, professors said that without an outline, your paper would not work. I don't do outlines. Ever. I simply write, and it works out fine.

I do enjoy writing to an extent. I dislike reports (but then again, who doesn't?) and writing about anything that does not interest me. I just can't get that flair in when the subject is a boorish one. I also tend to get bored easily, especially on big projects. I'll have the best opening paragraph or even opening page, but when I get into the middle, I just want to be done and seem to rush through it all the time. I like it when I am able to write freely and without certain rules. Journalism can be irritating because you have to write your lead, which is your opening, an exact certain way to garner attention. Also, it is not as easy to use descriptive, interesting phrases because often they come off as the writer's opinion. Journalism is supposed to strictly be unbiased by the writer and accurate. However, I love it when I get an amazing quote from someone and am able to put it in the article. I don't love the deadlines for stories or interviews, a big factor in my anxiety over it, so I plan on going into magazine writing because you can plan farther ahead. You aren't pressed to have a story right that day - you would be well aware of the deadline I would think. My ideal would be to write for Practical Horseman or ABC Soaps. I adore Practical Horseman and have a quirk for soap operas. 

I feel as if I COULD have a lot of great things going for me. My bad, depressive tendencies really seem to stand out. I always think about what other people see, like my professors or my editor, where it does matter. I had a bad experience at the university setting up an interview for my first story. I started on the story right away when I got assigned to it, with no help from my editor, who told me he'd help me with some certain things but never did. I could not get anyone to talk, and one of the ladies that I needed to interview actually got after me for being too impatient (I visited her at her office because I hadn't heard back from her that morning and seeing her was imminent). She was not pleasant, and of course, my experience was a little marred. It was the first time I realized that journalists get the short end of the stick a lot. I had an interviewee tell me today that in Britain, where he's from, people avoid reporters like the plague. I don't want people to avoid me because of my job title. I want to tell their stories, maybe even keep a small community bound together by letting the people know what is happening in their neighborhood. But, nonetheless, I'm still gun-shy about the whole thing, and I need time to build up the courage to call and ask for the interview. Of course, people don't get back until a few days later or until you go visit them, and by then, I'm usually asking for an extension. As for school, I've missed assignments and classes. I appear irresponsible, non-caring, lazy. I don't want to be that way, but sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I just drop an assignment, or repeatedly skip a class. It's not right, I know, and looking back, it's a little silly. But sometimes the effort is just not in me to do the homework or to go to class, especially in the morning, as I am so groggy and tired until about noon, mind you, after 8 hours of sleep. I could fall asleep at the wheel during the morning driving, but I never would at night. It's strange. 

But anyway, I got off-topic there. As I said, the bad things mask the good, I'm afraid. I know I have some good qualities when I am not depressed, but I feel like a completely different person when I'm depressed. I get envious easier, downright lazy, and I don't want to take on any tasks because I fear that I will not finish them. It all lurks beneath the surface. You're right, I don't trust myself. I guess maybe I've focused too much on what others think. It wasn't always that way, but I feel like I am outside of the societal norm. :-/ At this point, I'm just babbling.

Oh, and one more thing: I'm feeling especially wordy tonight for some reason so my vocabulary and sentence structure is more appeasing than usual. And I'm trying to make sure that I address things correctly: 1 person or thing as an it, not they, a group as an it, etc. It's one of my most common errors. 

Y'all are wonderful people! You really are.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

To go back and answer on of your questions. I don't think there was any less depression in older times. I just think, like most things now, technology has made information more available. It's more taked about now. I think its also more excepted now, but nowhere what it should be.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> Sky - thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sitting here crying that they were so kind. I know I compare myself too much to other people my age and constantly worry about what others think. I'm glad I am not the only one who wasn't ready to move out at 18 or 19 or whatever. So many people have told me that I need to just suck it up and do it, but I just don't think I can right now. I feel like every aspect of my life is just failing right now. But yes, my parents are truly supportive, especially my mom, and she's very non-judgmental about my anxiety with things. They would not allow me to drop out of college, and honestly, I don't know what I would do without going to college. Work at the grocery store forever?


It's all true, dear!!

And you'll find your niche, I promise! 

Right now you're just feeling all sorts of things alllll at once, which can make you more prone to depressive thoughts. How do I know? I've kind of been in the same boat lately. For me I have never been this fragile before, so trying to keep it all together, especially when a certain Lovely Man is being extra lovely mentioning how much he's going to miss me, is tough.

You feel uplifted at the grocery store because you know people, they appreciate you.. they don't belittle you as your ex roommate did. It's a healthier environment, where you feel almost invincible. 

You need to find a way to feel that way out of the grocery store too. The only difference is location and people.. you're the same girl. Take note of that! You are capable, you just need to find your niche. 

I honestly did not read your responses between this quoted post and my post now.. I looked over them a little and saw someone comment on how you should change subject matter because it isn't interesting to you (???) honestly.. it won't matter what you study if you can't find a way to re-create those good positive feelings. You can easily tank yourself or shoot yourself in the foot when you lose them, and even the things you love become a bother or tiresome.

At the end of the day, you need to be happy. If you aren't happy, something needs to change. Most of the time, it's merely a changed perspective.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Tack Collector said:


> How do you handle anxiety and fear? You stuff the emotion down, you stop being a baby, you become a hardazz, you grow up, and you go out and get something accomplished. It's really that simple.


It's funny how different people handle things in their own way. For me, I can't swallow fear, instead I confront it. I accept that it's there and then ask myself why it's there. What caused it, and why does that cause bother me? 

Once I figure that out, I can find the logic or reasoning inside it. And then I can deal with it in a healthy way. 

Suck it up buttercup just doesn't work for me, I have to understand it instead of mask it.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

Skyseternalangel said:


> It's funny how different people handle things in their own way. For me, I can't swallow fear, instead I confront it. I accept that it's there and then ask myself why it's there. What caused it, and why does that cause bother me?
> 
> Once I figure that out, I can find the logic or reasoning inside it. And then I can deal with it in a healthy way.
> 
> Suck it up buttercup just doesn't work for me, I have to understand it instead of mask it.


I agree. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy. Sometimes we have to push through them or set them aside and come back to them when it's more convenient because we have to be able to function in the moment. But if we suppress them, they never really go away. They'll just come back to bite us later. (Speaking from my experiences with childhood abuse, trauma, grief, PTSD, dissociation, etc. and from years of therapy with a brilliant therapist. Much of my family, on the other hand, prefers their comfortable denial. To each his own.) Sometimes figuring out the reason behind emotions is difficult. And, remember, with depression and anxiety there can be biological factors as well. Hence the need for medication.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

I think also you need to realize and accept that people judge. It's what they do. People close to you will form their own opinions on what you should be doing and look at you oddly when you deviate from that path. That is on THEM and NOT YOU. They are not living your life. You have to do what's best for you and what makes you happy - which may be something non traditional!

Don't shrink from their judgement. Be fascinated at their ego that they think themselves knowledgeable enough to decide your life for you. How awesome it must be to go living life and know so much that you just KNOW what's best for other people? Don't shake your head in concern that you're letting them down, shake your head in awe that they of all people are not supportive.

Good luck! Sometimes meds can take tweaking and time to work, so patience is key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

DancingArabian said:


> I think also you need to realize and accept that people judge. It's what they do. People close to you will form their own opinions on what you should be doing and look at you oddly when you deviate from that path. That is on THEM and NOT YOU. They are not living your life. You have to do what's best for you and what makes you happy - which may be something non traditional!
> 
> Don't shrink from their judgement. Be fascinated at their ego that they think themselves knowledgeable enough to decide your life for you. How awesome it must be to go living life and know so much that you just KNOW what's best for other people? Don't shake your head in concern that you're letting them down, shake your head in awe that they of all people are not supportive.
> 
> ...


It seems like people have even more opinions about your life when you're young adult/college age. LOL. I laugh now. But back then it made me so angry sometimes because they had no idea what I was going through or dealing with. That's why only you (and God) can know what's best for you. No one else has all the facts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

^^^^
Part of it is hindsight. Lots of people wish they had done this or that when younger. I think a lot of it is that people kind of put you in a box mentally and don't like when you climb out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

I have always found very little understanding from others as it relates to an issue of the mind. They either dismiss it totally or have little apathy for those who do. They have a hard time with problems that aren't visable 
A broken leg......yep
A cut forehead.....yep.
A case of anxiety......nope.

Just stay on the program they prescribe. I decided to stop taking my meds once because I was feeling better, but quickly learned it was a foolish act because it was the meds that were making me feel better. Not one of my brightest acts. 

My very best to you. It gets better.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Hmm, these are all interesting thoughts, and many to consider!  

Sky: I wish you the best of luck in working things out with your Lovely Man and new living arrangements, and as I said previously on your thread, doing what you are doing is very admirable. I was thinking that you could still keep in touch with him via Skype, email, Facebook, or even letters. I know it isn't the same as seeing him, and it's pretty difficult to have a relationship over the phone and Internet, but perhaps something will happen. I guess you never know! 

You're correct, I feel pretty invincible at the store. It feels safe, the people make me laugh all the time, and I love that I am basically the "top gun" there. I get the hours I want, the raises I want (well, to a point), and the jobs I want. Even when I err, it's not a big deal. Today was so hectic and I managed to ram a cart into a lady's vehicle by accident when it started rolling down the hill outside when I bumped it with the lady's cart (she was driving up to the store to get her groceries loaded). My manager was sputtering, and then she yelled out the door, "GET THAT CART!!!" But it was too late, the cart hit the car, and the lady was none too happy. I went back in the store, and the managers teased me the rest of the day about hitting cars with carts. We also celebrated someone's 30th birthday today and created a gift basket of "senior citizen" items: wrinkle cream, laxatives, prunes, denture cream, fiber cereal...It was a lot of fun. 

I wish I knew how to transfer that "me" into "me all the time." I know there will be other jobs and other opportunities, but these people that I work with are so unique, and I know there's not other people like them. Everything is just so casual there - even mistakes. I like that. It's a tight-knit group that can take a joke (or many jokes - there's frequent practical jokes going on - I start a lot of them haha) but also get work completed. They're good people, just a little odd. 

I do also agree that I think to find out the whys of my distress. I like to think it through and try to get help for it if I can. I don't do the whole "suck it up" well because every time someone tells me that, I feel worse because I can't just suck it up. I also don't believe that lots of things in life are unpleasant, as stated earlier. You find a way to make them pleasant. Or they have reason. When everything is unpleasant, I don't think that's normal.

Hoiski: My condolences to you for suffering through such traumatic times. I feel that abuse is one of the worst things a person can go through, so kudos to you for making it through and finding a way to move past it! I'm glad you had a brilliant therapist - I think that makes all the difference sometimes. I wanted to ask: When you say dissociation, do you mean like Dissociative Identity Disorder or a different type of dissociation? I've heard that is something very challenging to overcome. You should be proud! 

I also know shoving emotions down and not confronting them can be worse than having them. I have been told that emotions do love themselves, but if you never allow yourself to identify them, they just well up inside of you, making everything worse. 

DancingArabian: That is a wonderful technique! It makes such perfect sense, but yet I have never thought of it that way. Every time I think someone is judging me, I am going to try to replace that niggling thought I have about me screwing up with the one you came up with. You're smart! Thank you! Oh, and yes, tweaking meds does take forever. I am not a patient person normally, but what other choice do I have? 

Byklem: I wholeheartedly agree with that. When I got kicked in the face this summer (for the last two summers, I've always been injured twice to some scary degree!), EVERYONE was so super concerned and worried. I went into work the day it happened and got told that I was crazy for coming in when I was hurt. For the record, I just had 6 stitches in the chin and a sore jaw, nothing major, but scary. Everyone was so awed by my supposed dedication and bravery, same when I busted my lip falling off my horse earlier in the summer - that looks like it hurts! When I got my finger slammed in the safe a year before, I actually got sent home, and almost to the hospital (just a badly, badly bruised ring finger). I went to the ER when my horse jumped into my calf causing a hematoma, just to make sure there were no blood clots. I missed work once for that because I couldn't walk the next day. 

But depression and anxiety? You're weak, suck it up, there's something wrong with you, you aren't normal. Let me ditch you while I go support my friend with a twisted ankle because they're obviously in pain and need help, while you're just wallowing. I don't understand you, you aren't fun anymore, you've changed. <---- That's what I feel my friends think about me right now. I wish I had their support, I really do, because I had their backs when they were experiencing trouble. My one friend had a depressive spell and went suicidal. We weren't on the best terms at the time, but I stayed up talking to her over the phone that night, telling her that I cared and wanted to listen, telling her all the good qualities she had and why she should keep going. I gave her ideas and options, told her that she didn't deserve the way her mom treated her (and she didn't), and made sure to help her out and check up on her. But now, I don't really get the same warmth. She doesn't ask, and I don't tell because I'm not sure I should. She's short with me and tends to point out most of my negative flaws (talking too loud, being a little dippy at times [my words], bad driving, etc.). We're fine when I'm not depressed. And the other friend I used to work with. She was so shy and a lot of the girls talked behind her back, called her dumb, made fun of her. At first, I admit I did too to an extent, but after a while, I started talking to her and became her friend, despite her awkward overture right away when I didn't know her, begging me to take her horseback riding. I included her in on jokes within the store, gave her advice when she asked, made her laugh. Now she's off to college in another school, and she doesn't understand my problems and talks to me less and less. I'm glad she's come out of her bubble, but I'm afraid she doesn't have my back in quite the same way. 

Alas, I know somewhere that once you hit rock bottom, you can't go down any farther, so the only place to go is up. With the holidays, I hope to feel a little bit more cheery and to start the new year on the right foot with the right ideas forward.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Sorry for the double post here, but I found a Facebook status that just hits home and is so very true:

Fake friends are like shadows. They're always near you at your brightest moments, but they're nowhere to be seen at your darkest hour.

True and especially poetic! Just a lovely post!


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> Hmm, these are all interesting thoughts, and many to consider!
> 
> Sky: I wish you the best of luck in working things out with your Lovely Man and new living arrangements, and as I said previously on your thread, doing what you are doing is very admirable. I was thinking that you could still keep in touch with him via Skype, email, Facebook, or even letters. I know it isn't the same as seeing him, and it's pretty difficult to have a relationship over the phone and Internet, but perhaps something will happen. I guess you never know!
> 
> ...


I'm glad that you realize why you feel the way you do at work. I know for a fact that there are so many interesting quirky awesome people out there, they aren't just in that store my dear! Though it is tough to let go of something great in your life, for fear you won't ever find it again. But you will.. the best thing is to find a way to let those things go so that you have room for new ones. Letting go doesn't mean ignoring or de-friending the people you've met, or forgetting the experiences you had. Definitely hang onto those, but it's more about accepting that change happens, or needs to happen (depending) and feeling at peace with that.

It's extremely hard to do.

Thanks for all the lovely ideas  It's all his decision, though. He knows how I feel about him.. and he also knows that it's up to him if this continues or not. I'll support him regardless because that's what friends do, and he is a dear dear friend of mine. Not a friend in the 'friend-zoned' sense why does that phrase exist anyway.. lol.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

Corazon, thank you for your kind words. I've come a long way and still have a ways to go. Dissociative Identity Disorder is on the extreme end of the spectrum. Mine was not that severe. But there are a lot of blanks in my memory, particularly the years when I was being abused. You are very sweet to respond to everyone's posts. This thread has been a good discussion. It's nice to hear about other people's experiences and know you're not alone. It's unfortunate that depression and anxiety aren't really acknkowledged as they should be in our society, but I think it's better than it used to be. And the more we share our experiences, the better it will get. That goes for abuse as well--the more you hide it, the more it thrives. Thank you all for sharing your comments and experiences. It's good to see people offering so much support to those who are struggling. You're all amazing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I agree it has been a really good discussion. Lots of good suggestions.


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

Corazon- I wish you luck. Anxiety and depression are very difficult to deal with.

Mental illness runs in my family. My grandfather was schizophrenic. Anything to do with mental health is kept hush-hush in my family. I had OCD as a child. I believe my parents must have known about it... It presented at a young age. I didn't even know what it was until one of my health classes covered it in school. I remember staring at the book and thinking "this is me". I never did get treatment until I went to college and they offered free mental health services.

When I eventually told my mom I was on antidepressants she did not take it well. I really think she needs anxiety medication as well, but she will never admit it. :-(

Most of my high school and college years were a nightmare. I met this guy who seemed so perfect, turned out he had borderline personality disorder and was suicidal. He could be the sweetest person you had ever met, and in an instant change to someone else. I wanted out very badly, but he would threaten to kill himself, and with my anxiety issues I was too afraid to leave. I thought if he killed himself it would be my fault. We got in an argument in the car one day and he pulled it into oncoming traffic. I don't know how we didn't get hit. At the time I dismissed it as an accident, looking back, I think he was trying to kill us. The day after, he would always bring me flowers, presents or something and be as sweet as can be. I think I was in denial about how bad things were. I look back and I have no idea why I stayed as I was miserable the entire time we were together. 

He bailed as soon as I was diagnosed with a severe chronic illness. I was suicidal, depressed. Ended up in the hospital after taking painkillers and antidepressants both of which my doctor had prescribed (I had a severe adverse reaction, not an overdose). It was at that point I decided I wanted to live again, after I terrified my parents who found me not breathing and having seizures. Nothing like the fear of death to make your re-evaluate your life! 

I am happy to say I have greatly improved as far as the anxiety/OCD. Now it is just the depression that comes with being ill and having chronic pain. I can't say my social life is very good - something I would like to improve on, but with being ill it almost seems like too much work! Really- I am so exhausted I would rather sleep or snuggle with the cats than go out. My aunt has multiple health issues and is the same way. We've gotten much closer in the past year, as we both have a lot in common. Funny how relationships change as you grow up. 

I have tons of online friends though, joined a support group. Sometime it is just easier to talk to people online. :wink:

I think all these issues you are dealing with are quite normal and should improve with time. I wouldn't worry about moving out. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day. About how the only way to move away from home is to get married or find a roommate! She is graduated from college and still living at home, saving money and working full time. Financially it is tough to leave home if you don't want to live pay check to pay check.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Bless you 4horses. I hope for as much relief and comfort as possible.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Hey, guys, great responses again!

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, I know mine was pretty good. My week ended well. I look forward to going back to the store to work again in two and a half weeks - I've had so much fun with my old coworkers pulling pranks on each other and seeing all of my favorite customers. 

Sky - You're right in every single way. There are other quirky, interesting people out there, and I am afraid to let go because I'm afraid I will never find something as good. Really, being a cashier there is a dead-end job. The raises aren't good, it can be hard to get hours, people aren't disciplined as they should be, and the teenagers drive me nuts (she did this, she did that sort of stuff!). I wish I knew how to take the confidence I have there and put it into my life altogether. I KNOW I'm great at my job, without trying to sound egotistical. I know how to run a cash register like no one's business, I'm polite, friendly, and devoted to my customers' needs, I rarely need help with anything (I've learned how to fixed all of my mistakes lol), and other workers come to me with questions before they go to the managers. Oh, and almost all the workers there get along with me. The ones that don't like me are the teenagers that are mad because I get all the hours. I guess I'm just afraid of letting go because of all the friends that I have there. I won't defriend them or anything obviously, but I'm afraid of losing them, as weird as that sounds. Most of them aren't even my age lol, but they make me laugh all the time and have the same sense of humor I do. 

How do I go about letting go without bubbling over with depression and anxiety? I'm not going to lie, I've never "gotten over" leaving the store. I cried when I left. Most people from there are glad to be gone. It feels a little weird.

And once again, I really hope everything works out with you and the boy as friends in the very least. Maybe he'll move to the US and you'll get married lol stranger things have happened...

Hoiski - I'm glad you clarified that for me, and I am so, so sorry that you had to endure all of that. I suppose in some ways it is better to forget what happened. I guess your brain is trying to protect you. And you're right, mental illness is still not accepted in our society. I know many people wonder why I am driving back and forth to school, which is an hour and a half away, though the closest university I do believe, and Highway 69 goes from my town to Ames, so it's a straight shot. I have to lie to most of them and tell them that there's no room down there because of the influx of students. It's never been true, I'm sure the dorms had room, but I've always been terrified of living with people that I don't know. I like being alone in my own home, and imagining a roommate that I'm not acquainted with gives me complete anxiety, let alone someone I am acquainted with, just because there are certain expectations with house cleaning and such, and I hate explaining my erratic behavior to people. It would be so much easier to say: You know what? I'm suffering with depression and anxiety, and I'm trying to get medical help right now, but at this point in time, I can not properly deal with living on my own. Or maybe I'm just being a baby and need to give myself the boost and suck up the anxiety and depression. I really don't know anymore. :-/

Aubie: This has been a great discussion, and I'm so glad that people are replying to this thread because it gives me comfort that I'm not alone with mental illness. Thank you for being part of it!

4horses: First of all, let me say that I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from a chronic illness and from mental illness. That must be terribly rough, especially when your family does not want to acknowledge mental illness or treatment for it. So many people are like that, but it's worse when it's your own family. 

I know a girl that I went to high school with that sounds very much like your ex-boyfriend. She's made poor decisions when it comes to her relationships, resulting in physical abuse and contracting herpes. I mean, you can't blame her for the physical abuse, but I thought it was crazy when she told me she might go back to the guy just because she wanted to have sex and no one else was available. Anyway, she found this really sweet guy to be with, and I finally thought things would look up for her. He treated her well, and for a while, all was great. But she's got some sort of mental illness for sure, as she will engage in risky behavior even knowing the consequences and then clean herself up, only to find herself depressed and thinking odd thoughts. I feel bad for her, but she refuses to get treatment for herself. She also mistreats her boyfriend and is very controlling when it comes to him. She gets angry over small things and is quick to take terrible revenge. Every time he wants to dump her though, she threatens to kill herself. And he knows she would. Of course, no matter how much he wants out of the relationship, he doesn't want her to do that. So he's stuck. What a terrible position it would be to be in. 

I can see facing death giving you a completely new perspective on life. Although I've never come close to death, not at all, I can imagine that it would suddenly make you see all the things you do have, sort of like a reality check. While it is horrible that you had such a bad reaction to your meds, I'm glad you were able to put things in perspective through that experience. 

It is easier to talk to people online sometimes, which is why I'm confiding to everyone here. You don't have to go anywhere, and you get many different opinions, suggestions, tips, and ideas. It's all very helpful usually and reminds you that you are not the only one with that particular dilemma. 

I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and be stressed over money when I'm already stressed over everything else. I'm scared to death of having a roommate, and in all honestly, driving back and forth costs less than a single apartment and all the expenses I would incur with it. And I would still have to buy gas lol. At the same time, I don't want to be known as the person that is 30 years old and still living in the basement at the parent's house, if you know what I mean. I hope I regain the confidence to try all of this again, but right now, I really just want to stay put.




School starts back up again tomorrow, and I have to say that I'm feeling pretty anxious about the entire thing. My stress level was so low this week at work, so going back to school feels like a hassle, especially with all the journalism projects I have left. Plus, I know I am going to fail meteorology and public relations, so that isn't helping. :-( I'm trying to keep up in my journalism 201 class, but every assignment feels like I'm getting teeth pulled. I have so much anxiety over setting up an interview, doing the interview, and writing the story. The whole process stresses me out! And then, of course, I put it off so I don't have to deal with the anxiety, but then I do anyway and with more since then I'm running on limited time. I'm afraid of people getting nasty because I'm a news reporter, I'm afraid of asking a stupid question or not asking the right questions during an interview, I'm afraid of using the wrong wording, and I'm afraid that my article is going to somehow have inaccurate information. There's so much pressure on accuracy! I've definitely decided that I am either going to do small town journalism or magazine journalism. I just do not have the heart to change majors AGAIN. Plus, I don't even know what I would change to. I just want to be done with college. I'm tired of doing all this schoolwork, sitting through lectures, and memorizing things that I will never use. I want to learn things that will help me out in life, and I want to get a paycheck. I want to interact with people and change as many lives for the better as possible. I don't want to harass them for the next big story or fight to get the information out first. I just know that I can write, and I do like learning about what other people are doing. I also love public speaking - it's that adrenaline rush! But this interviewing stuff is stressing me out big time. I wish I could quit working for the daily newspaper at college because I don't get paid and it just adds to all of my stress, but I need the experience of writing for something. 

Also, I wanted to add - I've been experiencing blood sugar drops lately, and it's kind of weird. The only other time I've experienced them was when I stopped eating my sophomore year. I haven't stopped eating, but I do find myself skipping supper sometimes just because I am not hungry or do not have the energy to feed myself. In the morning, I eat breakfast and am fine until about 11 a.m., where I suddenly feel dizzy, my hands start shaking, and I start feeling really hot. It's happened between lunch and supper too, but mostly around lunch time. And I always eat breakfast, usually a few bowls of cereal.

The other thing I am struggling with is major fatigue. I usually get around 8 hours of sleep typically, but I find it so hard to get up in the morning. I could sleep 12 hours if I wanted to, without waking up once. During the day, I find that I'm extremely drowsy. I get tired when I'm driving (but not at night, just during the day) and start drifting off, I get sleepy during class, and I usually take an hour nap or so if I can. Yesterday, I worked 8-4, and I slept at least 8 hours the night before. When I got home, I fell asleep for 2 hours, was awake for 1, and then fell asleep for another 2 then went to bed and slept for my 8 hours. I never feel awake. I'm taking Celexa 20mg and Wellbutrin 150mg right now. Could that be it? I've felt this way for at least a year if not two, and I've been on the Celexa for about that long.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> Sky - You're right in every single way. There are other quirky, interesting people out there, and I am afraid to let go because I'm afraid I will never find something as good. Really, being a cashier there is a dead-end job. The raises aren't good, it can be hard to get hours, people aren't disciplined as they should be, and the teenagers drive me nuts (she did this, she did that sort of stuff!). I wish I knew how to take the confidence I have there and put it into my life altogether. I KNOW I'm great at my job, without trying to sound egotistical. I know how to run a cash register like no one's business, I'm polite, friendly, and devoted to my customers' needs, I rarely need help with anything (I've learned how to fixed all of my mistakes lol), and other workers come to me with questions before they go to the managers. Oh, and almost all the workers there get along with me. The ones that don't like me are the teenagers that are mad because I get all the hours. I guess I'm just afraid of letting go because of all the friends that I have there. I won't defriend them or anything obviously, but I'm afraid of losing them, as weird as that sounds. Most of them aren't even my age lol, but they make me laugh all the time and have the same sense of humor I do.
> 
> How do I go about letting go without bubbling over with depression and anxiety? I'm not going to lie, I've never "gotten over" leaving the store. I cried when I left. Most people from there are glad to be gone. It feels a little weird.
> 
> ...


I feel the stress/anxiety, low blood sugar levels, and drowsiness/fatigue are all connected and perhaps even your medication.

I find myself a slug when I have nothing to look forward to, or my day is going to be so bleh I don't want to face it. 

Definitely get your diet under control. Maybe snack on some raisins or grapes or something along those lines. 

To tell you the truth, I cried when I left all my previous places of employment too. It's very hard to give up something that makes you so happy, but it's part of life and you will live paycheck to paycheck working at the store :-( so you have to do what's best for you and your future.

Depression is a darkness, you have to work so hard and have such good support to overcome it. I believe you can, I know you can! It's normal to be sad about change, but try and also be excited. 

It's so easy to slip into a dark corner, feeling like you're captive inside a shoe box. But it's not that way, you have so many options, so many possibilities, so much potential and chance. 

It won't be easy, but you can do it. 

And thank you for the kind words about Lovely Man, means a lot


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Sky - Haha, I like how you call him Lovely Man. It makes me think of some sexy guy on a commercial for great smelling cologne. ;-) But, since you are calling him Lovely Man, I have this feeling that you two will still stay connected once you are in the States (and when is that, exactly?), whether it be friends or more. 

I've relieved that someone else gets as attached to jobs as I do. Well, this job in particular. I had another job after it at the Phone Center at Iowa State and well...let's just say that I HATED that job, even though it paid better than the grocery store. Calling people asking them for money is not my thing, and I'll be the first to admit that when they called my house, I pretended to be my dad's wife and was totally bluffing the whole thing. Ex - My daughter is a biology major that I never talk to because she hates me, and I think students should just study and have no fun at college, my husband is in China and wiped out our bank account, I don't think schools should be such money hogs, and TAKE ME OFF YOUR CALLING LIST. I love fooling around with people fishing with money. Haha, off topic. Whoops! 

I have never been good with change, and I'll be the first to admit that. 

Yeah, I need to do something about my diet obviously. I'm wondering if the Celexa is what's making me so drowsy all the time. I kid you not, I could sleep all day and still not be tired. This Wellbutrin is SUPPOSED to energize me more, but it hasn't done a thing, and it's been more than 6 weeks I do believe because I'm seeing my shrink on Thursday.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Another double post, but what do you all recommend in regards to my career path and the problem I'm having with my journalism stuff that I posted above? Do you think that the anxiety is just masking the way I feel about journalism, or could it be that I actually dislike it? And how could I find that out?


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> Sky - Haha, I like how you call him Lovely Man. It makes me think of some sexy guy on a commercial for great smelling cologne. ;-) But, since you are calling him Lovely Man, I have this feeling that you two will still stay connected once you are in the States (and when is that, exactly?), whether it be friends or more.
> 
> I've relieved that someone else gets as attached to jobs as I do. Well, this job in particular. I had another job after it at the Phone Center at Iowa State and well...let's just say that I HATED that job, even though it paid better than the grocery store. Calling people asking them for money is not my thing, and I'll be the first to admit that when they called my house, I pretended to be my dad's wife and was totally bluffing the whole thing. Ex - My daughter is a biology major that I never talk to because she hates me, and I think students should just study and have no fun at college, my husband is in China and wiped out our bank account, I don't think schools should be such money hogs, and TAKE ME OFF YOUR CALLING LIST. I love fooling around with people fishing with money. Haha, off topic. Whoops!
> 
> ...


Have you talked with your doctor about the drowsiness when you take Celexa? 

   Well he is a lovely man, and I hope you're right. I have a sinking feeling that things will just kind of drift apart but I'm crossing my fingers that we stay in touch. 

Yeah it's called caring! Really giving your job 100% of your effort and attention. I got kind of screwed over in my previous job, to where I am relieved to leave that position but also sad to leave the other people behind.

There are definitely tears but I'm saving them all for my 'see you later' to certain individuals, since I'm not a fan of crying :? so I try my best not to.. but hey it happens. I'm not made of stone!

~~

As for your feelings about the news reporter career and your major.. I believe that deciding a major is very very complex. Sometimes it's not what you imagine it to be, however look at this from an employer's standpoint:

You are young and obtain a degree that supports Journalism/News Reporting. That's awesome, right there you already have a big step up in terms of being an attractive employee prospect. So working on the paper at school is another plus, and shows that you can multitask and have more on your plate.

If you like the courses, then continue. If you don't, then just try and get through them.

But if you find yourself lost, seek out a counselor from school that specializes in helping people figure out majors or plan their careers.

Follow your gut!


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## EmilyJoy (Dec 30, 2011)

I didn't read through all the pages but in the beginning you said you needed to exercise but you didn't like to, and one person suggested taking daily walks instead of going to a gym.
My suggestion is to find a dog that you could take for walks, often if you have a purpose to do something for something else it's a lot easier then just "going" for a walk. 
If you bought a small/mini dog it wouldn't eat very much nor cost alot for up keep and would give you an excuse to get out of things (i.e can't go here or there because my dog needs to be fed, walked etc.). If you think about getting one, check out books/dvds/youtubes of Cesar Millan, not only is he a good dog psychologist but he teaches oneself to have a purpose and to be a leader, a great confidence builder. 

Anyway I thought I'd throw in my 2cents


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Glad for another post from you. First I would second checking on the blood sugar part. Could not only effect the way you feel but also may have an effect on your meds. I don't really have a whole lot of career advice but you seem to have have a real gift/love of small town life/people. Weither thats writing about it or running a newspaper or what, you would be good at it. I am also glad you really feel support here and that its helping you. I would also like to add how much something that does not seem like a big deal, means so much. You talk about your job at the store. My dad is a cancer survivor. When he was out of hospital, but still taking medicine I started going to a close by grocery store with him. It mainly was to get him out, walking around the store was about all he could handle. A lot of the people got to know him, talk to him, ask how he was doing. It meant, andstill does, the world to him. You never know how much the things you do mean to others. I am sure there are customers there that feel the same way about you.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Sky - Well, despite your ominous feelings, I do wish you the best with him! I can't say I know what it's like to be in love or to even have a good guy friend really. I'm sure I've mentioned this on different threads, but I seem to attract a lot of stalkers...and they can't handle the "just friends" part. Everyone who knows me well know that I attract those types of guys and no others haha. It's okay though. I wouldn't want to get romantically involved when I'm this confused about myself. I don't want to take anyone for granted like I did my high school boyfriend (who turned out to be a real jerk in the end anyway). So, I hope for the best, but no advice from me! :wink:

When I first started Celexa, I did mention the drowsiness, and the psychiatrist's idea was to switch me to another medicine. I don't know why you have to do so much schooling to be a psychiatrist really - if one medicine doesn't work, he just tries another, and another. It isn't rocket science. Anyway, he prescribed me Prozac, but I had already made at least 3 changes to my meds anyway, and I was tired of making so many changes, so I just kept on going with the Celexa. And by the summer, I was feeling great. But still had the drowsiness. Even when I was at my best, I still was sleepy all the time. I suppose it's time to talk to him about that again, though. For a psychiatrist, he isn't very good at communicating at all...funny how I leave his office feeling worse about myself...

I also hate crying, at least in front of people. So much. 

I can at least sit through learning about journalism, which is more than I can say about most other classes lol. I'm halfway through the major and don't really want to switch. I'm hoping that even if I don't want to be a journalist that the degree will still be helpful.

EmilyJoy - Funny you should say that, as when I lived in the apartment, I did get a small dog for that very reason - Mylie, the Pug/Terrier mix. But now that I live back at home and on a farm, the dogs get to roam the big acreage, not needing a walk. And when I go walking on the gravel roads, the dogs don't listen and go to other houses, like tonight when they went to this guy's house that really likes me at the end of the road - and I really don't like him! However, I do feel like riding makes things better, and hopping on my horse bareback might be good exercise as well? Sigh...motivation, motivation.

Aubie - Yep, back on the posting train lol. These past few months I have really come to appreciate the small town/country life and really knowing your community. In Ames, the college is so big that you don't know everybody, and while that has its advantages, I feel like it's not quite as "attached" as a small community. Whatever it is, I want to do something to help the greater good. 

I'm glad to hear that your dad was able to beat cancer and find friends in the grocery store. He sounds just like someone I would hit it off with spectacularly. I am fortunate to have many customers that look forward to seeing me and that have missed me since I've left. I love knowing that I make their day that much more special by just smiling at them and talking to them as I check out their groceries. I barely have angry customers, and I pride myself on that by being helpful, considerate, down-to-earth, and happy. 

Every single reply helps. It's good to just talk all this out and know that someone is "listening."


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> Sky - Well, despite your ominous feelings, I do wish you the best with him! I can't say I know what it's like to be in love or to even have a good guy friend really. I'm sure I've mentioned this on different threads, but I seem to attract a lot of stalkers...and they can't handle the "just friends" part. Everyone who knows me well know that I attract those types of guys and no others haha. It's okay though. I wouldn't want to get romantically involved when I'm this confused about myself. I don't want to take anyone for granted like I did my high school boyfriend (who turned out to be a real jerk in the end anyway). So, I hope for the best, but no advice from me! :wink:
> 
> When I first started Celexa, I did mention the drowsiness, and the psychiatrist's idea was to switch me to another medicine. I don't know why you have to do so much schooling to be a psychiatrist really - if one medicine doesn't work, he just tries another, and another. It isn't rocket science. Anyway, he prescribed me Prozac, but I had already made at least 3 changes to my meds anyway, and I was tired of making so many changes, so I just kept on going with the Celexa. And by the summer, I was feeling great. But still had the drowsiness. Even when I was at my best, I still was sleepy all the time. I suppose it's time to talk to him about that again, though. For a psychiatrist, he isn't very good at communicating at all...funny how I leave his office feeling worse about myself...
> 
> ...


Oh girl I used to attract stalkers too, or creepers.. or just scary abusive people. It'll get better.. you just have to be clear about what you want and don't even try and remain friends if they don't respect your wishes/boundaries.

You deserve so much more! And you'll get it.

"being helpful, considerate, down-to-earth, and happy" all those things are who you are when you aren't affected by drowsiness or depression. I hope that your psychiatrist can work with you on a med that will not make you drowsy!

And thanks again for the support and kind words regarding Lovely Man


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

I do hope you can get that drowsiness checked out-that sure takes a lot of time out of your day. Relationships are tough & there are lots of people that will take advantage if they can. Better to be a bit lonely than have a "jerk" in your life that just creates more problems. College may seem irrelevant at times, but it can really help to get a bigger paycheck later. Hopefully the economy will recover, so there is a chance of life getting better. There are many of us here pulling for you!


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Sky - I don't know how some girls do it, but some just get all the weirdos...aka me. At this point, I'd rather be single the rest of my life than have yet another unwanted admirer. Of course, they never really come out and say that they like me usually...but you just kind of get that feeling. My stupid dog yesterday went with me on a ride down the road and ran into the neighbor's yard...so called neighbor has the biggest crush on me ever I found out, and he's just gross, to put it plainly. Luckily, he wasn't home, but I could have killed Mylie lol. 

I know one thing I am not very good at is being assertive, especially when it comes to my needs. It's that whole freezing up thing when something goes wrong. I don't really know how to stop the freezing up, but it would be nice if I could.

Yeah, I hope my psych can find something, too. Too bad it means I have to see him more.  He's just one of those people that rubs me the wrong way. Like, he thinks he knows everything about me even though I feel he barely knows me at all. The first time I went into his office over a year ago I was off my meds, depressed as all get out, and panicky. I couldn't think straight and was mad at my dad at the time, and now that's all he ever brings up: my apparent lack of social skills. Thank you, Doctor, for making me feel like a moron every time I go to your office...

Cacowgirl: Yeah, the drowsiness just kills me. I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever except hang around and sleep. Fortunately, I am very content with being single. I mean, a relationship does have its perks, but I'm fine without one, especially since no Mr. Right has walked into my life. And after my last little fling this past spring that ended up in an outright disaster, I am perfectly fine not putting myself out there for a while whilst I work on my own problems.

That's the only reason I stay in college. To better my future paycheck. But honestly, it gets rougher every day to keep up and do the assignments and get things done. I have a planner and keep track of assignments, but it's doing the work that is so hard. I don't know what I want to do. I don't have a goal, which makes it so much harder to pull through school. Especially since I know that I will be failing two of my classes, which is going to look pretty bad on my GPA. But I guess things happen, and hopefully next semester, I am able to put the pedal to the metal and focus more at working hard. I don't want to fail classes, I want to be able to do homework, study, and do well. But something in me is really holding me back. It's like every time I try to do a journalism project, I get so anxious about doing it that it gets put off. And I know my only solution is to do it. My thoughts are muddled, I have trouble focusing on things, and I've never been able to sit down and actually study, even before when I was doing well. I can't wait for New Years. I always feel so refreshed knowing that it's a new year and that I can start anew from that. 


Thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and respond. I know a lot of it is complaints and negativity, and that can't be easy to read. I'm just so confused that half of the time I end up babbling anyway.


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## horsecrazygirl (Apr 23, 2012)

Oh corazon. ((Hugs))


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Your posts are very easy to read.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Don't be so hard on yourself, and no assumptions either! Just take everything that happens in life in stride. Don't overthink, just experience. It's so easy to find yourself digging yourself into a hole when you try to paint by numbers instead of just seeing where the canvas takes you.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Horsecrazygirl - Yeah, I didn't really want to tell you that I'm all depressed AGAIN. I haven't been on Google + much since the winter weather has pretty much destroyed my blog for now - for those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, I started a blog about trail riding in the Midwest. I know we haven't talked very much, but I really do wish you well in all of your endeavors! 

Aubie - I meant emotionally-wise lol. Though I do know that sometimes when I prattle on it gets confusing, but I meant it would be hard for someone to read emotionally - or they might just get frustrated and stop reading because there is so much negative energy.

Sky - I know I have so many problems involving me wanting to control everything. I don't really know how to let go - any ideas? Haha, same with the overthinking. I can't help but be hard on myself when I'm failing classes because I'm being avoidant. Finals are three weeks or less away, and even if I ace that, I still don't think it will get me a passing grade. Skipping classes, not doing work, and not studying is stupid, Stupid, STUPID now that I've gone too far to pull it all back. But like I said, I have next semester I guess, and that's all I can look forward to.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I am watching your schools basketball game right now on tv. Yall are killing us.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Haha Aubie that's funny. I don't get involved in the sports too much, but I sure am glad to hear that we are actually doing well in a sport - in case you didn't notice, our football season was pretty horrendous. And we got beat by Iowa, and one of the managers at the grocery store is a die hard Iowa fan and had been teasing me ever since I chose Iowa State...about 10 minutes after the game was over I got the "We won, you didn't haha" text.  I don't think I'll get over that loss until we properly dethrone Iowa.  And this is all coming from someone who hasn't been to a single Iowa State football game and doesn't care for it really. Lol to each their own!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

I love sports and keep up with it . But when yall got up by 30 I turned it to Charlie Brown Christmas.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Haha, that's much better, right?  Personally, I'm a drama fan... Criminal Minds, General Hospital, and Heartland. <3


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Corazon Lock said:


> Sky - I know I have so many problems involving me wanting to control everything. I don't really know how to let go - any ideas? Haha, same with the overthinking. I can't help but be hard on myself when I'm failing classes because I'm being avoidant. Finals are three weeks or less away, and even if I ace that, I still don't think it will get me a passing grade. Skipping classes, not doing work, and not studying is stupid, Stupid, STUPID now that I've gone too far to pull it all back. But like I said, I have next semester I guess, and that's all I can look forward to.


Horse riding helps you to let go, writing a journal too. 

You can't change your past actions, but you can always change your present or future actions. Focus on kicking tail next semester. Make a schedule, make time for things that make you happy, and make time for studies!

You just have to try super super super super hard. It isn't easy.


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

Definitely get your blood sugar checked if you are shaky and tired. My blood sugar sometimes tanks- I can always tell because I get really shaky and feel like I need to go to bed "right now". 

Add protein to your morning meals. It also helps to carry a protein bar with you everywhere, or some snack with calories. I always carry food with me, even if I end up not eating it. It is better to be prepared. 

If you hadn't had bloodwork in a while it may be a good idea. Anemia can cause fatigue as well. B vitamin deficiency?


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## horsecrazygirl (Apr 23, 2012)

I wish you told me. I don't mind listening and that a what I'm here for . I noticed you went off the edge of the universe again. But you're being to hard on yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Bump to hear how you are doing.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Aubie,
I'm doing okay. I appreciate you asking - a lot!  

I found a course online that is free that helps get you through depression and anxiety, so I've decided to try it - depressioncenter.net. New projects always excite me haha. 

When I was driving home the other night, I made a revelation - I have low grade anxiety all the time - uncomfortable social situations tend to make it rise, as well as doing things like going to class and homework. I have skipped school a few times this week...  I've also neglected some of my journalism homework because it makes me so anxious, but I should be catching up this weekend, thankfully. 

When I went to counseling yesterday, I think I made another revelation through my counselor's counseling. I was telling her how anxious the entire journalism process made me, and she asked me if I had considered changing my major. She asked me, "In your heart of hearts, can you see yourself being a journalist?" No. I can't. Not unless it's magazine journalism, then maybe I can. But I cannot see myself working stressfully at irregular hours for short deadlines, getting accurate interviews and being pushy. I can't imagine myself dressing in business attire every single day. She asked me how I saw myself dressing everyday. In cowboy boots and jeans, with a nice top. And then I imagined what it would be like to not go to school for journalism, and about 10000000000 weights were lifted off of my shoulders. Good Lord, I don't think journalism is the thing for me. So we're talking about passions now and careers with them.

Obviously, I am passionate about horses...or I probably wouldn't be here.  I like to write, but not in a structured sense. I like either fictional or reflective writing. I even have a blog based on Midwest trail riding! www.hittingthetrailsbyhorseback.blogspot.com! I like exploring, but on my own merit. I like to be creative, and I love coming up with new ideas. Oh, and I love public speaking, which has got to be the weirdest thing on earth haha! And I like serving people and chatting with clients. So between all of those things, I have to find a career that suits me. Any ideas? 

My psychiatrist switched me over to a full dosage of Wellbutrin, and we're dropping the Celexa completely. Gosh, I love med changes... :? 

Currently, with my horses, I am starting to make some bigger decisions. I'm taking two down to the university vet clinic on Monday. Rusty, my first horse and my biggest lover, is just going to get another x-ray of his hock - in a freak accident, he basically broke the top part of his tibia, I was told he'd never be able to be ridden again, but this horse has proved everyone wrong with that. It's been a year, and I just want to recheck it. My other horse, Casper, is supposed to be my show horse, but I think his DJD in his right front pastern has gotten worse, and he's either having hock or back problems that probably will require an x-ray of some sort. It's making him a pain to ride because he is in pain, and I need to know what he is going to be suitable for in the future so I can either continue with my showing or sell him, which would be sad because he's such a gentleman on the ground, unlike Rusty (love the ******, but he's THAT type of horse lol). 

Otherwise, I think everything is okay for now. Two weeks left in semester, and I just need to know what I'm going to change my major to if I'm going to change.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for posting link to your blog, will definitely check it out. As for what major to choose I really don't have any suggestions, maybe others will. Personally I would love to read you covering racing. Hope the med switch is a good one. I wish it was like insulin or blood pressure meds where you could get a reading and adjust accordingly.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Really enjoyed your blog.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks aubie! It's been a little while since it's winter in Iowa and I couldn't find anyone to ride with me :-(. I try not to make a habit of riding out alone, even as reliable as Rusty is. 

So, after a lot of thinking, I believe I am going to change my major to communications studies. I don't know what job I want exactly, but communications seems like a strong major for anything really, and I can't see myself finding it insufferable. I need to do something that will interest me because this semester is probably going to place me on academic probation.  I'm not proud of it at all. But, as everyone has said, next semester I will just have to kick it in high gear. There's nothing I can do about this now; this is all damage from the past months, with the exception of journalism 201, which was damaged in the past few weeks when I didn't meet deadlines to turn in stories. I've never been good with deadlines, and they cause me a lot of anxiety, especially when I hate/fear what I have to do to hit that deadline, ex - interviewing people. I thought interviewing would get easier, but it's just gotten harder to call people and ask them for interviews. Whatever I do, I want to *help *people and make a difference in their life. Something that makes me feel like I'm giving back every single day, whatever career that is. Still, I admit I have made some very poor decisions this past semester, and I while there's not a whole lot I can do right now, I am determined to pass my next semester. 

I have to say, though, I really do detest college, especially the larger ones. Half of the professors are there for the research, where they must teach one or two classes as well, in which teaching becomes secondary to them. They don't really allow human error, such as misplacing the syllabus. They ask questions to the class, simple ones like how the final test will be given (comprehensively or just over a chapter), and when we answer via clicker, they tell us that we'll just have to refer to the syllabus. There's so much beating around the bush, and it just irritates me. Why don't they just say, when they ask that question, what the answer is? It's just stupid. And heaven forbid, if you misplace the syllabus like I did and email your instructor explaining that (mind you, he doesn't have it available on the Internet) and asking about his late policy, he doesn't even email you back. And I know he's on top of his email. Most of them seem self-righteous and don't really connect with their students. I have one professor that I do like, for my animal science class, but because it's a huge class, I don't really get to interact with him. I don't want to be babied, but it would be nice to have some room for human error and to have professors that really do care if you pass their class or not. In a big school, I guess though, that would be a little hard. Oh, and I also really detest TAs. Every single one I've had clouds the information they give with their opinion and acts so much bigger than the students that they are teaching. Sigh...I know, I know, I just need to accept it.

Anyway, that is my rant for the day.  Hah, sorry.


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## Darrin (Jul 11, 2011)

Have you considered teaching? That's what came to mind as you were describing what you like doing. Also gives you the summer off to explore more trails with your horse as an added bonus!


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Darrin,
Funny you should say that, as a lot of people have suggested that to me. I know I could never be a community school teacher - I don't have the patience with kids, and honestly, I don't think I would make enough money to support my horse habit. But you have very good points to that! I'm trying to imagine myself as a teacher. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have no issue whatsoever with public speaking. In fact, it gives me a buzz lol. If I were to teach, I would want to work with adults, either with horses or with life skills. I don't handle school "fluff" well at all, but I would love to show people how to use skills that apply to everyday life. I've thought about being a public speaker of some sort (career in that though?), and once I considered being a counselor, but I'm not really interested in all the research and social science behind it. Maybe I'm just too close-minded. :-s Hmm...maybe you guys will have some ideas about jobs or careers with the things I have in mind!
-I like public speaking.
-I can write well but would prefer speaking to writing.
-I can relate well with people, but adults and the elderly in particular.
-I want a job where I don't have to dress up for work.
-High-pressure jobs are probably not for me as I do not handle stress well.
-Would love to do something with horses.
-Want a job that could at least somewhat support my horse habit, where I do make some money.
-I want to make a difference in people's lives, especially teens and the mentally ill, but anyone except for children, as I do not relate as well.
-I just probably want my bachelor's degree.
-Want to avoid lots of deadlines.
-Don't want to work overnight.
-Wouldn't mind some traveling. 

Anything that comes to mind? I know my skills and wants but unfortunately, there is not a search engine that will automatically match my qualifications/skills/wants to a job!


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## Darrin (Jul 11, 2011)

Public communications is probably a decent way to go then try to work that into a position you would like. Maybe something along the way of working for a foundation that educates the public.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

A job as spokesperson/fundraising for mentally/physically disabled/therapeutic riding groups you would be good at. Give presentations, write articles, and travel some. Don't know how many of those jobs exist/ how hard to come by.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Aubie,
I was thinking a spokesperson too, or a life coach or a motivational speaker. I mean, I do have a story to share with my depression - the back story from my high school years is really a kicker. I want to connect with people who are struggling and provide hope, comfort, and maybe a solution. I want to make the world a better place - for the last couple of years, I have felt that God put me on this earth for that purpose, or for changing someone's life. 

I've been told that maybe I should go into seminary and become a pastor, but, lol, I did give a sermon once this past summer when the pastor was gone. Everyone complimented me on it, but one person did tell me that I should have put more God into my sermon. She was right. I like to talk about making the world a better place with using God as an example when it works with my audience. But, I know some people aren't religious, and I want to cater to them too, you know? Especially since I am not the most religious person either and am not one to push my beliefs onto anyone else. They can live their own life however they want it, and it is not my place to judge that unless they are infringing on someone else's rights or harming someone or something. But, I think there's a lot of improvement needed in this country, and the world for that matter, so people can be happier and healthier. 

Too bad I can't create a job for that.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Darrin, you mean like a spokesperson for, say, the department of public health? Lol, that's the first thing I thought of, the lady in health class at the community college from that department talking about STDs. I wouldn't mind that though - people need to know how to protect themselves! And most topics don't embarrass me.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Not a good start to my day. My dad is forcing me to cancel my vet appointment at the university, and I don't know when I can reschedule. He says it's gonna blow snow super bad, but I'm not seeing any evidence of that, but he's not listening. He's just in a foul mood because my brother has been a horrible brat lately. I'm not handling this well, and I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I really looked forward to this appointment, for once in a while, I was looking forward to something. I know I can reschedule, and I'm being silly about this. But I was just so excited...I'm so upset. And I just started making some small goals that I was going to have to work really hard for because of my mood, and now that's going to be ten times harder because I'm so upset. I hate feeling like this, overreacting to something so small. I'm so upset I'm a crying mess, and I seriously want to punch the lights out of someone.

It sounds so bad, but I really don't care if I get in an accident, at least, not for me. I should care, and I should care about the welfare of my horses, but I just feel like I KNOW I can drive today. I'm upset because I'm upset, because I'm mad, and because I can't react to anything in the proper way. I'm so scared because I just have apathy towards everything in life. What if I'm always like that and don't care about school or a job or doing household chores? I want to care, but I just don't know how. I just don't know anymore guys. 

Part of me worries that the roads WILL be bad and I WOULD have an accident, but my dad worries all the time about everything. In fact, I'm sure my anxiety has come from him. My psychiatrist tells me that I shouldn't allow his anxieties to be my anxiety. It's so hard not to do that. I just feel like today I want to prove myself against that. Just because he thinks the worst doesn't necessarily mean it will happen. I mean, we're talking about him always telling me to not park by vans because I'll get kidnapped or go to rest areas at night because I'll get kidnapped. I've let his worries get the best of me for SO LONG, and sometimes, they're so irrational. I finally went to a rest stop, alone, at night, to grab an Iowa map for a project. And I didn't get kidnapped, accosted, anything. I was scared and anxious, but I did it, and I felt wonderful afterwards. My psychiatrist said challenging my anxiety like that is progress, and not to let my dad's anxiety because my own.

I should add that I've driven a trailer many times in snow before, and I'm a cautious driver with the trailer anyway. The winds aren't supposed to get over 20mph, which I don't find to be that bad. No roads are closed, reports now say the roads are clear, and when I look outside my winter, I don't see any blowing snow. 

I apologize. This post probably sounds childish, rebellious, and ungrateful to my parents. I appreciate that they are concerned, but I'm 20 years old with plenty of experience hauling a trailer. I don't want my life controlled, and I want to make my own decisions about my well-being. I know most of you are probably thinking that this is why I should move out, but it really wouldn't matter. He pulled the insurance card on me and told me how many people I would hurt if I died. I should stop ranting now, but there are just so many angry words flowing through my head.


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Its ok to let it out here. Especially if it prevents a blow up elsewhere that you will feel bad about, only adding to the circle. I understand it's easy to sit here and tell you to find another obtainable small goal for today to focus on, but if you can it may relive some of the stress. Your vet trip will happen at some point. I have no doubt you are capable. As for the parking at night stuff- there is a line between paranoid and precaution, yes he may go over it, but you know its coming.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I overreacted and just caught on to it. I just ceased the Celexa three days ago and replaced it with Wellbutrin, and I'm thinking the transition is going to be a little rough. I'm feeling increasingly anxious today, probably because I have two late news stories that I should attempt to write abz turn in. I lost my syllabus and I emailed the prof telling him so and apologizing and then asking what his late work policy was, and explaining that I was having some personal issues that I was getting treatment for, noting that it was not an excuse but an explanation to let him know what was going on. He never replied. So I'm gonna turn my late stuff in and hope for the best I guess. And then I have 3 stories due for the school paper that I still have to interview for and write. 

I am going to the vet appt now but my dad insisted on driving. He keeps muttering about how he hopes we don't spin, or that he hopes we don't have to turn around. I'm just trying to remember that he's overly worried about everything and assumes the worst. 

Anyone have any antianxiety techniques?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

My dad has a smathering of mental issues, one of which is every situation is worst case scenario. Glad you mentioned meds, could be a huge part. Not really an anti anexity technique, but maybe someone could offer scheduling help. Seems you have a ton going on at once, adding to the anxiety.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Yeah, my anxiety is skyrocketing right now because of all this work. Thank the Lord that this is the second to last week of school. Right now, I feel like I'm completely off my meds. And I'm not. And I'm pretty nervous about this feeling because when my anxiety is sky-high I can't handle myself at all well.

Good news and bad news at the vet. Bad news first. My show horse, Casper, has navicular and it's pretty severe. We didn't even think about navicular because we thought his bone spur farther up his leg was the problem. Poor boy. I don't know what to do about him.

But Rusty - he's still a miracle! His x-rays look awesome and the vet cleared him for regular work and even some jumping! He healed very, VERY well. They told us last year when he got the injury that he probably wouldn't even be able to do light riding. In fact, they even said euthanasia was a possibility because of the severity of his injury.  When does a horse ever fracture up in the hock area and not suffer permanent damage? Rusty never ceases to amaze me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Just thought I'd update here...
The last two days have been really, really bad. My psychiatrist finally got back to me today and told me that my worse-than-almost-ever-before anxiety was caused by me going off of the Celexa. So I'm starting back on that for the next week at least just so I can make it through my last week of school...

Because I couldn't even make it to school on Tuesday. About halfway there, I just started panicking. I'd been feeling anxious all day Monday and all day on Tuesday - nothing would stop that feeling. But then I just flipped out. I had to stop twice because I was so worked up and was crying, sweating, shaking, feeling sick, breathless...I guess a panic attack. And it lasted for a good hour. I felt so out of my skin, like I couldn't focus on anything. The inside of my brain felt dizzy. Not really knowing what to do, and because I was so worked up, I texted my friend and told her my problem. I went to see her, and she didn't want me to drive back home because I was so out of control. She told me today I had her really scared, and I was just so pale and shaky. I did go home though, but the anxiety/panic attack made me sick, so I had to stop at a gas station. Worst drive home of my life. I couldn't go to class Tuesday or today because I was so worked up. 

I did talk to my journalism professor today, though, and that went pretty well. I didn't know how to really say what was going on. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me, on one hand, but on the other, I didn't want to make it seem like it wasn't affecting me when it was. But, he was very kind and seemed to understand what I was going through, and I was really touched that he wanted to work with me to get my assignments turned in and to even start looking at different career options. He's being more than fair, and I don't feel like I deserve it at all. Talking to him did help me get everything in my brain sorted out so I felt like I could actually do the assignments. I feel bad that I misjudged him as an arrogant jerk all semester. People will always surprise you, I guess. I'm just so touched that he cares because it seems like so many professors don't care or try to work with you. Instead of flunking me, he's going to make me do the work, even if I have to get an incomplete. Seems way more fair than I deserve.

On that note, I am officially quitting journalism as my major. I can't stand the stress, the deadlines, the interviews, or some of the awful people I have to interview. I'm not quite sure what I will be taking up next semester, but it will probably be something along the lines of communications. I quit working for the student newspaper as well, which is something I should have done a long time ago because that has probably been the main cause of my stress. And, I don't get paid for any of my articles anyway. 

I hope tomorrow goes better than Tuesday or even today. I'll keep you all posted.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

I'm so happy that your assumption about him was wrong, and he was so willing to help you!

I've been in that exact situation before.. I'm not known for being an anxious person but there were a few days this past year that I was completely paralyzed by it, freaking out, on the verge of crying.. not able to breathe. Honestly there was nothing causing it, it just sprung up on me likely due to being way way way too hard on myself (my biggest and most prominent flaw)

Hugs, girly. We support you on here no matter what. I'm so happy you're making changes that alleviate stress and get you closer to doing what you want to do instead of what looks pretty on your resume. 

Hugs, again!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Second the support. Also glad school seems on its way to straightening out, should take away some of your anxiety.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks guys!  

The only thing that really got me through all of that is knowing that my horse, against all odds, can be ridden and competed again. He broke something in his hock area, and it just tore me apart because they mentioned euthanasia and permanent lameness. And now they're telling me that he's going to be able to do regular work and even JUMP! I nearly cried when they told me that. I can't even begin to express what it felt like to get such a miracle. 

I am feeling A LOT better today - especially since I know that after this semester I won't have to write another news story for a very, VERY long time! 

Sky,
I actually have been figuring out that you have to make decisions for yourself sometimes that aren't in the favor of other people, like dropping a news story for the student newspaper. I like the idea of having a good resume, but I have never thought that they are the crux of who you really are. I've also been realizing that it shouldn't matter what people think of your decisions that you make, as long as you are happy with them (and not infringing on the rights of anybody). It's a tough thing to accept, but I think I'm slowing breaking it down.

Aubie,
I am so relieved that I am almost done with this semester. This week, Dead Week as they call it, which is the week before finals, is probably the worst. I only have one final next week, and only one class I have to attend. That leaves me plenty of time to do things I actually want to do, like bake, Christmas shop, and decorate the break room at the grocery store and make cookies and candies for every single person employed there.  The thought of it just makes me relax! 

On one other note, and this is going to sound very random, mind you, how would one weasel his or her way into the horse business, like boarding and training? Where would you get educated? How would you start up? And is there any hope of actually making money and not just breaking even (or hitting the red)?


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Bump to see how finals are going.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Hey aubie,
I really, truly appreciate you asking! I'm done with finals.  Thank goodness! 

My professor for journalism has allowed me to turn in some of my stuff late, so I've been working on that. He's been really understanding, and it's really nice. 

I also changed my major to communication studies. I'm feeling a lot better about school because I feel like I can really get through it now. 

I've got something to look forward to: My friend and I are planning to go to the Black Hills this summer and ride. :-D I'm really, really excited!! 

I've been feeling pretty good this last week. I'm hoping I'm over the hump, so to speak, but we'll see what Christmas and next semester brings. Today I'm baking and working on decorations for the break room at work for Christmas. It feels good to give back!


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Really glad things are going well.


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## hoiski (Aug 15, 2013)

Glad to hear you're doing better. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. May it be happy and hopeful.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Merry Christmas-you sound much more relaxed already.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Cacowgirl, Hoiski, and aubie,
You all are so sweet, and merry Christmas to you all. Skyseternalangel too! And everyone else...you all have no idea how supportive and helpful you have been. Wish I could send you all some of my baked goods! 

Things are pretty hectic, but I have been enjoying being back at work a lot! I've put in some major hours already. First day back I worked 7am-6pm and the day right after I ended up working 8am-8pm. Pretty crazy stuff! I missed all of my coworkers and their funny personalities so much. I even got a free poinsettia from the produce manager...I am quite spoiled actually! Many of my customers are happy to see me back, and I'm really enjoying getting to help them out and talk to them. On that note, there's been a lot of weird people coming out for the holidays as well, but it's always fun to see how people will act next! 

I officially changed my major to communication studies, so I'm hoping that will go well for me. I might have a place to live next July near campus - that's still being decided upon. With the new year coming up, I'm hoping I can start on a new foot. 

The only major complaint I have aside from being exhausted from working so much is that I've been having the shakes quite a bit. It seems like almost every morning. I'm wondering if it's the Wellbutrin. I always eat breakfast, so it hasn't been that. I should probably head on over to the doctor to get it checked out - and schedule an appointment to get my wisdom teeth out :-/ 

Anyway, y'all have happy holidays, regardless of what or if you celebrate, and thank you so much again for being so supportive. I cannot express how touched I am and how much I truly appreciate it. You're all wonderful people!


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