# husband has horrible hygiene



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Sounds like my teen , well, actually he still thinks he's a teen but is actually 24, son. He , too, cannot smell his own stink.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Put plastic on the couch. Or it will be ruined.

And I deal with this too. Spousal unit is just nasty hygiene wise, and like yours has that "old man" smell. He is going on 72 in January, and I will be 60 this December.

I messed up and got him cloth recliner...need to do something about that...and when he uses deodorant, he loads himself up with it to point you gag.

Also, his clothes reek as well, even after he washes them, he is an OTR truckdriver so I don't have to do his laundry usually, but the few times I have, you have to dump 1/2 box of baking soda in water and let them sit in it for hours, and then rinse that and try to wash clothes to get his stench out.

If he gets in a vehicle I drive, smell lingers then too.

I have my own bedroom, can't stand to be bothered by someone breathing in my room.


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## teakwood (Aug 20, 2014)

well, I guess I'm not the only one. That's sort of comforting. The couch is old so I'm not real worried about it but when it comes time to buying a new one, I will cover it! Right now the fabreeze is working.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

And yet another reason NOT to get married.
------------------------------------------------------
OP, has he always been like this? If not it could be time for a medical check up.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

teakwood said:


> He does for a while and then just stops when I stop bugging him about it.
> 
> He doesn't care I'm sure.


Well it DOES indeed sound like he doesn't much care about you, or the situation. 

Ultimately, its your life, but if my husband ever stopped caring about how I was feeling, *I'd hit the road. *

Marriage is a two-way street, give and take. Each person needs to actually CARE about the other person so that you can _work together_ to find a solution that works for the both of you. Doesn't sound like he's at all interested in fixing the problem, nor working on it, even though he knows it bothers you.

It may very well be that he can't smell it if he has a medical problem (my dad is only 64 but he has had severe sinus problems and has pretty much lost his sense of smell), but he should at least make an effort for you.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

natisha said:


> And yet another reason NOT to get married.
> ------------------------------------------------------
> OP, has he always been like this? If not it could be time for a medical check up.


Agreed. If this is new then I'd wonder if there was something medical going on or if life changes perhaps he started caring less about his hygiene. If he's always been like this then it's something that probably should have been addressed much earlier.


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## Red Gate Farm (Aug 28, 2011)

Time to have a serious talk. Not an accusory one, but a sit down "I really need us to work this out" talk.

Explain that you understand he probably cannot smell the odor, but you can and you want to work on some solutions together.

Set up some good habits to replace his obvious bad ones. A shower at night before he goes to bed. All his clothes put into the laundry. New clothes and deodorant the next morning. Give him his own closet to pick his clothes out of. If he won't get rid of today's clothes, take them when he showers at night and toss them down into the laundry area. I guarantee he'll be too lazy to go down and get them. :wink:

Toss in some surprises. Suggest you take a shower together.  Ask him which soap scent he prefers. Make him part of the process.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I'm not sure that I agree with beau... Leaving seems like a pretty drastic step to take--particularly when I assume you've been married for quite some time?

That said, I /do/ think it's time for a conversation. Explain your feelings calmly and how you do not want to live in a home like this. If he loves and cares for you then he will be willing to make changes.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Oh man, I would have a serious talk with him, and ask him to get a medical check up too.

Gotta say, I am happily single... I have my two dogs, if they ever start to smell a bit, I just grab 'em and off to the tub we go.


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## SEAmom (Jan 8, 2011)

I agree with a medical checkup if this smell is new. That could be a sign of a serious health problem. 

If his environment has just gotten to *that* point, having a conversation with him about basic cleanliness to avoid certain pests may be in order. And keep on him about it. 

Divorce is certainly not high on the list of solutions I would give for this situation, though. That seems very drastic and should never even be used as a threat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## teakwood (Aug 20, 2014)

I would never leave him. That is way too drastic and it wouldn't benefit either of us. I did have a talk with him and he felt bad. He's willing to do whatever I ask. I still don't know if he's lying about not able to smell or not. He gets a yearly physical every year, blood work etc.... Is it new. Yeah, pretty much. He retired 4 years ago and since then, that's when it started. In the summer it's worse because it's hot out and he SWEATS. So it's always been worse in the summer months. But when he was working full time, he showered all the time and I was always doing laundry. I thought something was odd when the hamper was not filling up so fast here. He works part time but is off in the summer months as it's with the school district. 
I told him that I can't take this smell anymore. That he needs to take care of himself better and I couldn't BELIEVE he was putting smelly shirts back in the closet!!! I was a bit rough but I couldn't believe it. 
He NEVER changes his showering towel and i asked him, "if I left that towel in there, how many months would it take you to get a new one?" He didn't answer. I WAS going to do just that and see how long it would take him but I kind of think he never would and I would cave. We have separate bathrooms and he NEVER cleans his. It's the main one tho so when we have people over or someone is staying over, I make him clean it. I peek in the shower and say OMG!!! to myself because I sure couldn't shower in that DIRTY shower. I ask him, "do you not see the ring in there? His answer, "no." He just doesn't care. When he does clean it, he actually does a really good job. 
When he starts his part time job, he always showers and he never wears the same shirt over and over. So I think he cares what others think - just not me. But I have never said anything before either til now. 
All I can do is see what happens. He showered last night and used deodorant but no deodorant today  If he doesn't shower tonight, I'll be saying something. I really don't care if I sound like a nag.


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## teakwood (Aug 20, 2014)

And I have to add, he does take care of me. I can't complain there. Even with his smelly faults, he takes care of me. I have anxiety that can spring up and I have limitations on what I can do comfortably and he's always there to accommodate. Another man probably would have left me long ago. I hurt my back several months ago and the disc is trying to heal but still hurts like hell!!! He is there to help me and I can't work full time with it this way. I work part time. He won't let me move furniture around or move anything heavy and he COOKS  I HATE cooking. I'll do the clean up but I HATE cooking. So he is a good guy. I don't want to give the wrong impression that he's some useless person.


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## SueNH (Nov 7, 2011)

Hunter's Specialties® Scent-A-WayÂ® Max Laundry Detergent : Cabela's


It helps lots. But you do it when he isn't around. It's a little too pricey to waste.

I noticed a change in the smell of my husband when he started taking blood pressure meds. The objectionable became downright gross.

Mine is a long haul driver too. Must be a thing.

I have no problem telling him to shower because he stinks.

We have slept in different rooms for ages.


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## Rebelwithacause (Aug 7, 2013)

I'm not making excuses for him at all, so please don't take what I am about to type as doing so.

You mentioned he is 70 years old and has been working P/T for the past 4 years? For 60+ years of his life he was accustomed to doing something one way, his body doing something one way and his habits being controlled one way. Now, he is aging-- and maybe his sense of smell is off, maybe his sight is going, his energy levels, etc. You mentioned having a bad back and he is picking up the slack trying to help you around, cook meals, work (you keep mentioning it being hot and sweaty so I assume it's outside or at least in a hot environment). The guy may just be completely over-exerting himself for his age/physical condition and trying to keep up with you being so much younger than he is. I'm not saying it's right or fair, but chores often fall by the wayside when we get tired and personal hygiene has to be "adjusted" throughout life as we age.

I'm glad you two had a talk and you have EVERY right as his wife to bring up concerns.

I would maybe try to help him out some. Offer to throw some of his shirts in the laundry for him when he is working since he is doing the cooking. Or both of you make a joint effort to clean the living room (sofas, blankets, etc). It could just be some small, _caring_ gestures on your part that help him to realize he needs to pick up the slack a bit.


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## jenkat86 (May 20, 2014)

I was going to recommend Scent-A Way but SueNH beat me to it. 

This sounds a lot like my dad. He's just gross. But there are 2 contributing factors to why my dad is this way. Laziness, and medical related. A few years ago his sweat started smelling really bad and then he found out he had gout. That contributed to the smell a lot. He changed his diet and it's not nearly as bad now. But then the fact that the man just never bathes...


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## hollysjubilee (Nov 2, 2012)

Remali said:


> Oh man, I would have a serious talk with him, and ask him to get a medical check up too.
> 
> Gotta say, I am happily single... I have my two dogs, if they ever start to smell a bit, I just grab 'em and off to the tub we go.



 hahahaha!


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## hollysjubilee (Nov 2, 2012)

teakwood said:


> I would never leave him. That is way too drastic and it wouldn't benefit either of us. I did have a talk with him and he felt bad. He's willing to do whatever I ask. I still don't know if he's lying about not able to smell or not. He gets a yearly physical every year, blood work etc.... Is it new. Yeah, pretty much. He retired 4 years ago and since then, that's when it started. In the summer it's worse because it's hot out and he SWEATS. So it's always been worse in the summer months. But when he was working full time, he showered all the time and I was always doing laundry. I thought something was odd when the hamper was not filling up so fast here. He works part time but is off in the summer months as it's with the school district.
> I told him that I can't take this smell anymore. That he needs to take care of himself better and I couldn't BELIEVE he was putting smelly shirts back in the closet!!! I was a bit rough but I couldn't believe it.
> He NEVER changes his showering towel and i asked him, "if I left that towel in there, how many months would it take you to get a new one?" He didn't answer. I WAS going to do just that and see how long it would take him but I kind of think he never would and I would cave. We have separate bathrooms and he NEVER cleans his. It's the main one tho so when we have people over or someone is staying over, I make him clean it. I peek in the shower and say OMG!!! to myself because I sure couldn't shower in that DIRTY shower. I ask him, "do you not see the ring in there? His answer, "no." He just doesn't care. When he does clean it, he actually does a really good job.
> When he starts his part time job, he always showers and he never wears the same shirt over and over. So I think he cares what others think - just not me. But I have never said anything before either til now.
> All I can do is see what happens. He showered last night and used deodorant but no deodorant today  If he doesn't shower tonight, I'll be saying something. I really don't care if I sound like a nag.


My husband is also 70+ (been married just over 2 years), and seems to have similar habits. My late husband was just the opposite. Very clean, and I loved his natural scent.
What I have partially concluded is that the different personalities have different priorities, and it takes concentrated effort for an "unfocused" and "unaware of others" personality to see and do what a more "observant," "considerate of others" personality would do when it comes to picking up and cleaning.

In trying to understand how my now husband operates: 

I am convinced that he is dyslexic. He didn't learn to read until he was in college. I had a conversation with a woman who is also dyslexic and has 4 children who are. She homeschooled all of her children and had to learn how to help them learn their school subjects despite their dyslexia She told me that dyslexics don't just see words and figures differently, they see the world differently! They see a chair, but no matter if the chair is standing upright, laying on its side, upside down, or on the ceiling, they just see "a chair." As long as it's "a chair," that's okay with them. Someone like me who is more detail oriented sees the stain on the chair or the dust clinging to the rungs or the chip of paint on the leg . . . 
It's a very tough, mental effort for people who aren't detail oriented to try to see the details. It's not "right or wrong," but it does create friction when there is a detail-oriented person who shares living space with a person who is oblivious to detail. Your husband puts his clothes away (some women would be jealous of that!), but misses the detail that the clothes are dirty/need washing. 
So . . . we train our horses _and_ we sometimes have to help train our family members IF we need to have our nests in a particular order.
The alternative is for US to give away some of our expectations . . . but, I admit, cleanliness, absence of unpleasant odors, and having things in their place are things my spirit needs in order to have peace.


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## SueNH (Nov 7, 2011)

It's really only since he's been driving truck. No idea what those showers cost but I know he's always complaining.
He's home 2x a year and that's it. Fine with me.

If you check the hunting goods section of walmart, they carry another brand of that soap. Works just as well. I discovered it by accident. My daughter arrived one day with her laundry and her a boyfriends clothes too. He worked in a real butcher shop and would use it to get the blood smell out of his clothing.

Biggest problem I think is my husband stuffing all his laundry into one machine and way overloading. Never really gets a good washing. Plus in a truck stop every other driver is doing the same thing so the machines themselves stink. He starts sweating at about 60 degrees. 

My washing machine here will comfortably do 35 bath towels. But he manages to over stuff it.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

e needs to see a doctor and talk about depression. If he recently stopped working at all, he may now be dealing with symptoms from that, especially if he is spending much more time at home and less time out in the rest of the world. Lack of personal hygiene can be a big sign of depression. 

It is good that you spoke with him and that he is willing to work with you – that’s half your battle right there. See a doctor first, and in the meantime look up the symptoms of depression to see if you can see any parallels. 

Far as laundry goes, I have found that 20 Mule Team Borax works REALLY well in removing musty/stinky odors from cloth, and it’s got the benefit of only being $4 a box. I buy clothes from yard sales and thrift shops occasionally, and I always wash any article of clothing in regular laundry soap and Borax before wearing to get rid of that “stale” smell.


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

Ha, Ha--I am the one who likes to skip showers.
Seriously, though, I think it is medical, too. My DH, 67yo (married 35 years) hardly EVER smells anything but clean and sweet, even the though house isn't clean all of the time, what with dogs, cats, horses and chickens outside and me tracking things in.
While you wait for a Dr's appointment, do talk to him and continue to clean. My DH uses a CPAP machine bc he discovered sleep apnea. Yours may have the same problem, too, bc snoring heavily is a major symptom.
I think that I would continue to deep clean his room. I like to change our sheets 1x/week. If you cleaned the sheets and folded them and put them away--I know this sounds a lot like taking care of a child--he may tell you how appreciative he is that you do this and you care. He may also be depressed that you aren't sharing a room anymore. My DH is generally always in a good mood, but he would become depressed if I moved out to sleep in another room.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

SueNH said:


> It's really only since he's been driving truck. No idea what those showers cost but I know he's always complaining.
> He's home 2x a year and that's it. Fine with me.
> 
> If you check the hunting goods section of walmart, they carry another brand of that soap. Works just as well. I discovered it by accident. My daughter arrived one day with her laundry and her a boyfriends clothes too. He worked in a real butcher shop and would use it to get the blood smell out of his clothing.
> ...


Nope, not buying that one bit, most truckstops if you fuel, shower is free for the drivers. Or you get a card showing you have fueled but didn't use shower, but get punch for shower so you can use it at next one you stop at, most they run anyway is maybe 10? And you get part back if you return towel.

As well as all of this is tax deductible on your taxes, or goes for work expenses. Same as special clothing would.

Another thing too, is that if you carry any weight, the skin under the folds gets a smell, you can powder, or use deodorant stone to help, IF he will use it that is.

And old men just get a smell to them. Fact of life. If they don't keep themselves clean, they just flat out stink.

Spousal unit can come home and the smell just wafts from his room upstairs, even with door closed. 

Wanted me to go with him on the truck...not going to happen. Ever.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Corporal said:


> Ha, Ha--I am the one who likes to skip showers.
> Seriously, though, I think it is medical, too. My DH, 67yo (married 35 years) hardly EVER smells anything but clean and sweet, even the though house isn't clean all of the time, what with dogs, cats, horses and chickens outside and me tracking things in.
> While you wait for a Dr's appointment, do talk to him and continue to clean. My DH uses a CPAP machine bc he discovered sleep apnea. Yours may have the same problem, too, bc snoring heavily is a major symptom.
> I think that I would continue to deep clean his room. I like to change our sheets 1x/week. If you cleaned the sheets and folded them and put them away--I know this sounds a lot like taking care of a child--he may tell you how appreciative he is that you do this and you care. He may also be depressed that you aren't sharing a room anymore. My DH is generally always in a good mood, but he would become depressed if I moved out to sleep in another room.



Lord, if I had to share room with spousal...I would become homicidal.

And doesn't do any good to put clean sheets on..he will come in, be in 3 days and wear same clothes every day and sleep in the bed in those same clothes. I have seen it happen.

And if I do raise enough sand that he takes a shower...he will put on his dirty underwear again...or his dirty clothes.

Man is just basically a pig. I saw his debit card once...black as ace of spades...said he "don't have time to put on gloves" when he fuels truck?

Oh please.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

Palomine said:


> Lord, if I had to share room with spousal...I would become homicidal.
> 
> And doesn't do any good to put clean sheets on..he will come in, be in 3 days and wear same clothes every day and sleep in the bed in those same clothes. I have seen it happen.
> 
> ...


On the flip side, if you don't change the sheets he'll reabsorb the sheets' stink when he sleeps even if he's just showered! He needs to be bathing regularly (perhaps more frequently than he used to), changing the sheets, AND washing his clothes when dirty. 

While it does seem quite a bit like managing a smelly teenager, I'd lay out the ground rules and help him out with keeping a cleaning/hygiene schedule. Such as, you need to take a shower daily and use deodorant/brush your teeth morning and night. Dirty clothes go into the hamper once you take them off and they are NOT to be put back in the closet no matter how clean they may seem. If you notice that he is wearing dirty clothes or hasn't showered I'd give him a gentle reminder. If you're up for it I don't think that someone's suggestion of showering together is a bad idea :wink: If you're too aggressive or accusatory he may get offended and just shut down, so watch how you approach it. You know your husband better than us and he does seem willing to work with you, so you'll know how to best approach things. 

If you can convince him to put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper then I'd simply take over the laundry duties myself. Just toss his in with yours to make a full load, or run them separately if you're worried about the stinky contaminating yours  He seems willing to put the clothes up himself (as evidenced by the fact that he hangs dirty shirts back up...) so just fold them and put them on his bed to be put away. I'd designate a day each week to wash both your sheets and his sheets. He can either do it himself or you do it for him. Even if you're generally a clean person and always shower before bed sheets do get icky in not too terribly long. If you know that everyone's sheets are getting washed every saturday then you don't have to worry that he's sleeping on three month old sheets. You could wash and replace the bath towels at the same time. 

I'd try to schedule cleaning time with him regularly where you clean your living spaces together. It'll give you time to spend with one another and you can make sure it actually gets done. Say one week you'll thoroughly clean and tidy your room and bathroom, and the next week y'all can do his. Or whatever works for you, but I'd try to make it a regular thing that you do together. Cleaning is more fun when you do it with someone else, and it takes half the time. If he would feel like you're sort of invading his space if you do that then let him do it himself, but hold him accountable for keeping his space clean. Before you do that I'd do a super thorough cleaning of his room. I'd probably opt to wash all of the clothes hanging in his closet with baking soda, wash the sheets, dust, vacuum, whatever is necessary. If you don't wash all of the clothes in the closet they'll just keep getting the clean clothes smelly. If you have carpet and it's been awhile perhaps consider shampooing all of your carpet. Basically start with a fresh slate and then keep up with the regular maintenance. 

In a partnership I'm generally of the opinion that responsibilities should be split evenly, but it sounds like he needs some help keeping his hygiene and cleanliness sorted out. Since he does most of the cooking it doesn't seem too unreasonable for you to pick up some of the slack in the cleaning department. You can't exactly toss him in the shower and wash him yourself like you could with a smelly dog, but you can help with keeping his clothes and environment clean.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, just no. DH does not have a fine tuned sense of smell. I don't mind horse smell and reportedly can't smell it on clothes, but beyond that - I have an extremely good sense of smell and do not "do" odors. 

If it were me, I would just devise an easy to follow routine _for him_ that negated any clothes from being laid down, put back, whatnot. Yes, that would mean more work for me, but - it would also ensure everything smells nice.


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

I can't believe someone said leave your husband because he's old and smelly! I'm in shock....

I don't have any advice for you on this, my husband still smells yummy (when he's clean) but his mother is on her third marriage and that man doesn't clean himself and wears the same clothes for weeks at a time. That is not an exaggeration, his smell even gets on her and it's hard to hug them and to sit with them because they smell. But... Love is love so I tolerate as best I can and when it gets to bad I call his sister and ask her to do something about it.

I don't know why some people stop washing themselves when they get older unless it's because it's harder and their skin dries? Do you have a shower seat or a tub?


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

If he takes RX meds, it could be that making the sweat stink more. Loss of hormones etc.
A lot of people lose the ability to smell things/certain odors. 
Ask Him to please take a shower every night. Use stain remover , I just add in with the detergent. Get him some antibacterial bath soap. i will tell my hubby.. you stink go take a shower. Glad to know I am not the only grumpy older female around !!


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

DuckDodgers said:


> On the flip side, if you don't change the sheets he'll reabsorb the sheets' stink when he sleeps even if he's just showered! He needs to be bathing regularly (perhaps more frequently than he used to), changing the sheets, AND washing his clothes when dirty.
> 
> While it does seem quite a bit like managing a smelly teenager, I'd lay out the ground rules and help him out with keeping a cleaning/hygiene schedule. Such as, you need to take a shower daily and use deodorant/brush your teeth morning and night. Dirty clothes go into the hamper once you take them off and they are NOT to be put back in the closet no matter how clean they may seem. If you notice that he is wearing dirty clothes or hasn't showered I'd give him a gentle reminder. If you're up for it I don't think that someone's suggestion of showering together is a bad idea :wink: If you're too aggressive or accusatory he may get offended and just shut down, so watch how you approach it. You know your husband better than us and he does seem willing to work with you, so you'll know how to best approach things.
> 
> ...



You have my reply confused with OP. Mine does not cook.


As for showering together...not going to happen. Ever. Never. Period.


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Maybe have a home health care worker to come in and help you, and your husband, out weekly? Not sure if that is an option for you?


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

farmpony84 said:


> I can't believe someone said leave your husband because he's old and smelly! I'm in shock....
> 
> I don't have any advice for you on this, my husband still smells yummy (when he's clean) but his mother is on her third marriage and that man doesn't clean himself and wears the same clothes for weeks at a time. That is not an exaggeration, his smell even gets on her and it's hard to hug them and to sit with them because they smell. But... Love is love so I tolerate as best I can and when it gets to bad I call his sister and ask her to do something about it.
> 
> I don't know why some people stop washing themselves when they get older unless it's because it's harder and their skin dries? Do you have a shower seat or a tub?



In case of my spousal unit...this is lifelong for him, at least as long as people have known him, that I have talked to, so 35 years or more. He's just nasty period. Sorry to be so blunt, but that is the honest to God truth.

For some, it is because they do not smell themselves, I would guess. For others they just don't care? Or figure what does it matter?


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Missy May said:


> Well, just no. DH does not have a fine tuned sense of smell. I don't mind horse smell and reportedly can't smell it on clothes, but beyond that - I have an extremely good sense of smell and do not "do" odors.
> 
> If it were me, I would just devise an easy to follow routine _for him_ that negated any clothes from being laid down, put back, whatnot. Yes, that would mean more work for me, but - it would also ensure everything smells nice.



The sad fact is, in case with mine, his clothes actually smell bad enough that I have to rewash the washer with water and ACV or baking soda after I run his clothes, because it leaves a smell on the metal and plastic.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Palomine said:


> The sad fact is, in case with mine, his clothes actually smell bad enough that I have to rewash the washer with water and ACV or baking soda after I run his clothes, because it leaves a smell on the metal and plastic.


Separate closet then,...maybe in an outside shed?


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

natisha said:


> And yet another reason NOT to get married.
> ------------------------------------------------------
> OP, has he always been like this? If not it could be time for a medical check up.


Or perhaps another reason why you should marry within your age group.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

Palomine said:


> You have my reply confused with OP. Mine does not cook.
> 
> 
> As for showering together...not going to happen. Ever. Never. Period.


No, most of my reply was geared towards the OP. I was just pointing out to you that cleaning the person AND the sheets would be necessary to maintain cleanliness. The rest of the post you can take or leave as it applies to you or doesnt


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

You all are scaring me. Hubby turns 68 tomorrow so you've got me thinking I've only got 2 more years until he starts stinking to high heaven. LOL


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Palomine said:


> The sad fact is, in case with mine, his clothes actually smell bad enough that I have to rewash the washer with water and ACV or baking soda after I run his clothes, because it leaves a smell on the metal and plastic.



if you have one of those new washing machines, especially a front loader, you DO have to run a cleaning agent through it from time to time, or it will build up some kind of mildew in it that makes all clothes washed in it stink badly.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

bkylem said:


> Or perhaps another reason why you should marry within your age group.


I don't know if you think this is a joke, but this was uncalled for. Plenty of folks have significant age differences in their relationships and get along just fine, myself included (11 years younger than my SO). Likewise, there are plenty of folks who are within the same age group as their spouse/partner and have just as many issues. Being the same age is no barrier to health problems, mental illness, or the issues that come with aging.


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## SEAmom (Jan 8, 2011)

bkylem said:


> Or perhaps another reason why you should marry within your age group.


That's an offensive comment to make to anyone. People SHOULD marry the person they care about and can spend the rest of their lives. People should NOT marry a person because they fit within an age group, skin color, minimum/maximum height, etc. :icon_rolleyes: 

The difference in age between two people has ZERO to do with the effects of aging on a particular person or that person's hygiene.

Seriously. How would the OP being the exact same age as her husband make ANY difference at all to his hygiene? :icon_rolleyes:


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

Here is another incentive that keeps me cleaning, though I mostly just track dirt and grass inside.
If a room smells bad, your cat and dog will assume it is a place to pee and poo. 'O'
Then, of course, it will smell worse.


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## teakwood (Aug 20, 2014)

Rebelwithacause said:


> I'm not making excuses for him at all, so please don't take what I am about to type as doing so.
> 
> You mentioned he is 70 years old and has been working P/T for the past 4 years? For 60+ years of his life he was accustomed to doing something one way, his body doing something one way and his habits being controlled one way. Now, he is aging-- and maybe his sense of smell is off, maybe his sight is going, his energy levels, etc. You mentioned having a bad back and he is picking up the slack trying to help you around, cook meals, work (you keep mentioning it being hot and sweaty so I assume it's outside or at least in a hot environment). The guy may just be completely over-exerting himself for his age/physical condition and trying to keep up with you being so much younger than he is. I'm not saying it's right or fair, but chores often fall by the wayside when we get tired and personal hygiene has to be "adjusted" throughout life as we age.
> 
> ...


 I always do the laundry because I like doing it. As far as him picking up "slack". Not so. He's always done the cooking. he likes it and I hate it so it works out. Try and tie him down or take away chores - NOT going to happen. He has ALWAYS been this way. He cannot sit still. He has ALWAYS been active, always moving, always doing something. He'll sit at night and watch tv but during the day.... no way. He's either doing stuff in the yard or whatever. I clean the house, vacuum, dust etc.... The inside chores are mine and the outside is his. If he didn't have that, he'd die. The summer is driving him crazy because he's not working at a job. He's jus that type. He will work til the day he dies. The Dr. said his body and bloodwork etc. shows him to be a man of 45!!! They think because he is so active and always has been.


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## teakwood (Aug 20, 2014)

SEAmom said:


> That's an offensive comment to make to anyone. People SHOULD marry the person they care about and can spend the rest of their lives. People should NOT marry a person because they fit within an age group, skin color, minimum/maximum height, etc. :icon_rolleyes:
> 
> The difference in age between two people has ZERO to do with the effects of aging on a particular person or that person's hygiene.
> 
> Seriously. How would the OP being the exact same age as her husband make ANY difference at all to his hygiene? :icon_rolleyes:



Total agree!! NOT about the age difference. I just ignored that poster. Just shows their stupidity. There are many, many stupid people in the world and that is one of them.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

tinyliny said:


> if you have one of those new washing machines, especially a front loader, you DO have to run a cleaning agent through it from time to time, or it will build up some kind of mildew in it that makes all clothes washed in it stink badly.


No, washer is 8 years old. And not front loader. I wouldn't have thought it possible either, but has happened too many times for me not to realize it is his clothing causing it.

Not mildew. Him.


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## ChitChatChet (Sep 9, 2013)

I would look into health issues along with the poor hygiene.


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## SEAmom (Jan 8, 2011)

I did find this in an article:



> Battling B.O. — Body Odor Disorders
> 
> In most healthy adults, body odor isn’t a problem that deodorant and a regular shower routine can’t take care of (although some people might smell just fine going au natural). But there are certain foods, habits, and medical conditions that can have friends and coworkers wearing face masks. Foods like garlic and curry can cause some smelly situations, since they contain chemicals that our glands excrete onto the skin. And burger-lovers beware: Some women think men who eat a lot of red meat smell worse than those who take their meals with a little less beef .
> 
> But if something smells fishy, it might be a case of trimethylaminuria, a condition in which the body can’t break down certain chemicals, instead emitting the odor of (gulp) rotting fish . A sudden change in body odor might also indicate a health issue like diabetic ketoacidosis or kidney failure. There’s some research suggesting schizophrenic patients also have a distinct body odor — though it’s unclear exactly what causes the smell . If bad body odor is an issue, it’s a good idea to speak to a health professional to rule out any serious causes.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

This might be overkill for the situation, but:

Years ago we had a family friend who was a doc. On days off he'd go find homeless people to help. The ones that don't go to missions and flop houses. He talked of how he could use an extra pair of hands, and I volunteered.

We saw and treated things some of you can't imagine, but if we could get a guy or gal to shower the doctor taught me that shaving cream cuts odors very well. 

Fast forward several years, and I became friends with a guy whose whole family had a peculiar odor. They didn't live together, eat a particular diet, etc. He knew that his odor was interfering with his social life. I told him about the shaving cream, he tried it, and he and his wife have been married more than 20 years now. lol He does have to shower frequently and be meticulous about hygiene.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

It sees when men hold down a job for years, they lose their sense of worthiness and identity when they retire. A doctor friend had to retire at 60 because of his own health issues. Drove wifey nuts at how slovenly he'd become. I suggest to her that he get back in to medicine but only part time. She told me it would cost $6000 annually for insurance. What's more important? His first job was just a few weeks, another a few months. Usually rural jobs and they got to travel all over. Huge improvement once he was back in harness.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

The cleaner one gets in the shower, the longer they smell like roses.  Fufu soaps are just for body scrubbers. Otherwise, it has to be strong to start you off "clean". just saying.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Mulefeather said:


> I don't know if you think this is a joke, but this was uncalled for. Plenty of folks have significant age differences in their relationships and get along just fine, myself included (11 years younger than my SO). Likewise, there are plenty of folks who are within the same age group as their spouse/partner and have just as many issues. Being the same age is no barrier to health problems, mental illness, or the issues that come with aging.


It was obviously said in jest to a response that was also in jest.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

bkylem said:


> It was obviously said in jest to a response that was also in jest.


I believe your comment was said in jest but mine wasn't.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Problems with hygiene are an early warning sign of Alzheimer's/dementia. Perhaps you should take him to the doctor.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

natisha said:


> I believe your comment was said in jest but mine wasn't.


Thanks for giving me the benefit of doubt. Every post needn't be a source of drama.

All the best !


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Eeep! "Marrying in your own age group?" Way to turn this conversation into something it doesn't need to be...


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Zexious said:


> Eeep! "Marrying in your own age group?" Way to turn this conversation into something it doesn't need to be...



Oh my god I didn't realize the gravity of this thread. Please accept my apology for introducing a small measure of levity.
I am so incredibly sorry.

This is an extremely serious subject and I (in one simple sentence) have neglected to treat it as such.

Thank you so much !


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

bkylem said:


> Oh my god I didn't realize the gravity of this thread. Please accept my apology for introducing a small measure of levity.
> I am so incredibly sorry.
> 
> This is an extremely serious subject and I (in one simple sentence) have neglected to treat it as such.


Actually, for the OP, this is a serious subject if she's actively seeking help. As many other posters have said, it can be a sign of serious health issues.

Nobody is really laughing when they're wondering if someone they love, especially someone older, is now having a mental or physical health issue. You might want to think about how you say things in the future before trying to introduce your specific brand of "levity" to the situation - it just sounds mean-spirited and hurtful.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

My husband is 14 years older than I am and I didn't take bkylem's post as mean spirited or hurtful. There are some different challenges to a relationship with a fairly significant age gap.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

JCnGrace said:


> My husband is 14 years older than I am and I didn't take bkylem's post as mean spirited or hurtful. There are some different challenges to a relationship with a fairly significant age gap.[/QUOTE
> 
> 
> Thank you.
> ...


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

I'm sorry about your mom having alzheimers. It's a horrible disease for both her and her loved ones.


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## teakwood (Aug 20, 2014)

Well, I think everything is solved. He has taken my talk to heart and it hit home. He was just being lazy. I haven't had to say anything since "the talk" and he's been showering every single evening. Has been wearing the deodorant and he doesn't smell!!!  The laundry basket is filling up again.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

teakwood said:


> Well, I think everything is solved. He has taken my talk to heart and it hit home. He was just being lazy. I haven't had to say anything since "the talk" and he's been showering every single evening. Has been wearing the deodorant and he doesn't smell!!!  The laundry basket is filling up again.


Good!! I'm glad he's taking things to heart. Just keep watching/smelling and give him a nudge in the right direction if he slips up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

Don't know how you are going to handle the whole situation, but I did have a few suggestions for cleaning, in case you might not have thought of them. (That's ME, ignoring the obvious! =b )
First, if you can put white, cotton sheets on his bed, you can bleach them every time. I have a set of twin sheets that are white and yellow and colorfast, and I LOVE how the bleach makes them smell really fresh.
Second, borax freshens clothes that would spot if you used bleach on them.
Third, vinegar will clean glass better than soap and water. Two DD's worked at a very small movie theater close to us, and they used vinegar and water to clean the greasy popcorn maker and the glass concession cabinet. It is also antibacterial and you can gargle with vinegar to kill germs that cause a sore throat.
All of these products are readily available and inexpensive. =D


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## SEAmom (Jan 8, 2011)

That's great that he's really listening to your concerns. I hope he keeps this up!


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

It's great that he's listening and working with you so maybe my comment shouldn't be listened to at this point, but I did want to say depending on your husbands personality maybe some more relaxed goals would work (or not as some people it's all or nothing)

But something like him showering 3x/week. Changing clothes as needed (specify when you work outside they go in the wash if you only wear them to bed (when you're clean!) every 3 days) or whatever. If you're dirty get clean and if you're clean then yes it can be stretched- a little! Basically show him as long as you're clean I won't nitpick on the details but set up a clear plan for "this is considered clean".

I shower regularly during the week (8 hours at the barn in 90 degrees!!) but on the weekends if I'm sitting around I may skip a day but if I am gross I will shower then too. Deodorant after showering or if I feel I need a boost etc. I am always clean and have no BO, usually even when I am dripping sweat at work! I also apply body spray regularly and specifically try to smell nice as opposed to neutral (but not strong perfume).

My bf is one of those anal "if you have not showered in 24 hours even if you literally are just sitting on the couch and have done regular hygiene stuff you ARE disgusting" people and that really REALLY bugs me (especially since overall I have much much better hygiene and cleanliness than he does, like he doesn't even use soap. Ick- so great you "shower" 3x/day, aka rinse off...)

Point being something like you MUST take "daily" showers may be nitpicking and also really isn't required to truly be clean, something medical experts agree upon-daily showers really aren't necessary and can be too much. Assuming you are otherwise clean..

However if he needs that sort of stringent "all or nothing" 7 days a week is FAR better than 7 days a year!! I just know I wouldn't like being locked into something like that when it wasn't needed even if I ended up doing it anyways!


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

So many issues can be resolved when we're up front with people.


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## sarahfromsc (Sep 22, 2013)

I didn't read all the replies, but he could have the beginnings of dementia. My mother, refused to take showers or wash her clothes, and had odor. Eating wasn't real important to her either.....but she never lost the love of her red wine....lol. 

I still miss her.


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## RegalCharm (Jul 24, 2008)

at least he is not a germaphob


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