# I choked :/



## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

Well, it happens, and I know it happens to everyone. It was happening to me a lot more this fall than I'd care to admit.

In the last couple of weeks I'd finally been feeling more comfortable riding again. Elle has been feeling great, and going great. Much more relaxed now that she's settled in at the place we moved to mid-November, and now that she's off the sugary intense feed she was on for three months prior to that (without my knowledge I should add).

She hasn't spooked at all at this new barn, unless we count her taking a couple slightly faster steps or shifting super slightly away from something she didn't like, in a way most people probably wouldn't notice. While I wouldn't call her bombproof, she's not a spooky type and her spooks, when they do happen are 9 times out of 10 laughably minor. In over seven years I've only fallen off her twice, and I'm in a much more structured saddle now that would be a lot harder to fall from.

But you know who is spooky? Me, apparently.

So far we've been having some lovely, quiet evening rides, with the arena completely to ourselves and no disruptions. Just total focus, and we've both been feeling pretty wonderful.

Yesterday though? The owner was there, and her daughter who was riding, and her daughter's friend, and their two dogs who like to play in the arena during rides. Aaaaall of which is fine. Really. It's their place to use how they want, and Elle is perfectly fine with dogs and people and activity and whatnot. But I was exhausted and wasn't sure I really wanted to ride (though honestly that's been my default state lately anyhow, and then my rides are great once I get going).

But I did ride. And as I was riding, this was my internal monologue.

"There's a ton of melting snow on the roof. I can't imagine what that weighs. I know the snow could come crashing down any second. That doesn't usually spook Elle, but she hasn't heard it in THIS arena. What if it spooks her so badly in HERE that she leaps sideways and I come off and then I have a concussion and I have to cancel my vacation this month? Or... what if the roof collapses and kills us?? Also, she doesn't seem concerned about those dogs playing, but she did once spook at a dog carrying a deflated volleyball, but I think that was about the volleyball, not the dog. That was weird. Gosh, I'm tense. I'm in her mouth too much right now. I need to relax. She also doesn't seem very forward. Is that because she's worried? No, that's probably because I'M worried and in her mouth too much. Uugghhhhh relaaaaax. Oh no now they're opening a door and a person is coming out of it!! I know Elle has seen people coming in and out of doors. God, what am I worried about? This horse is almost 26. She's been to clinics and shows. You rode her past a Ferris wheel and she didn't care, you freak. Relax, relax, relax, wait is that dog coming this way? Why do I feel dizzy now? Ugh, forget it, I'm getting down." I think our ride lasted 10-15 minutes, tops.

After which Elle stood like a statue, half asleep, nosing me for treats, while the dogs played in circles around us and she didn't bat an eyelash. Then snow crashed off the roof and I think she raised her head two inches and flicked an ear.

All I can do is laugh at myself, I guess. I try not to what-if myself to death, but it's hard, and when I'm tired, I think my defenses are down. I explained PROFUSELY to the owner and her daughter that it was a me thing and to not feel responsible in any way. Anxiety is lousy.

Here's my killer spooky mount. Sigh.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

I’m so sorry! Anxiety sucks. That is all I have to say about that.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I think all of us riders (except the kids and teens whom we all know are immortal) can relate so much. Don't be so hard on yourself. You stayed in the arena with Elle, so she got to experience all the activity around her, including snow crashing off the roof, with her human safely at her side. It doesn't sound like any of your anxiety rubbed off on her. 

You rode in the middle of a lot of activity. I wouldn't have enjoyed it either. But Elle still experienced it so chalk it up to a positive ride!


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## pasomountain (Dec 19, 2018)

Elle is so cute! Sorry you had this internal struggle but it's normal to not always feel like riding.


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## dustyk (Nov 14, 2020)

Anxiety does suck! In the end you still win, you got your few minutes in and you'll come back another better day


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## boatagor (Jun 27, 2017)

When I'm having days like that, I just congratulate myself on even getting in the saddle. I rode my new pony yesterday for the first time since bringing him home and I was so worried about it. I told myself if I got 5 minutes in and still felt worried, I would just be done. I ended up riding almost an hour. I got off and back on again a lot, but I didn't beat myself up over it. I'm still recovering mentally from my bad fall so I'm allowing myself grace, which I don't normally do. I think most of us would allow our horses a short ride, or no ride, if we could tell they weren't at their best, but we don't allow ourselves the same. Good job for getting on anyway, sticking it out the way you did, and then allowing yourself the option to get off when it became too much.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

Don't be so hard on yourself. Many things in life are a "mental game" and riding is one of them. 

Our horses are so in tune to US that it is very important to be confident for them. Easier said than done, yes.

Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life? Might be something worth addressing, if that is the case. As it will only benefit your riding!


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## Luna’s rider (Jan 23, 2021)

Oh, I thought every rider did that internal monologue, not?!? 🫣 suffice it to say you’re one of the members I look up to the most here for your grace and relatable experiences. Plus, Elle looks so gentle.


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## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

beau159 said:


> Don't be so hard on yourself. Many things in life are a "mental game" and riding is one of them.
> 
> Our horses are so in tune to US that it is very important to be confident for them. Easier said than done, yes.
> 
> Do you have anxiety in other areas of your life? Might be something worth addressing, if that is the case. As it will only benefit your riding!


Thanks! Yes, I definitely do. I take medication for anxiety and depression, but it's always worst in the winter. And if I'm feeling exhausted or anxious about one area of life, it definitely bleeds over into other areas. Right now I'm still trying to come down and recover from December stress (working literally every day, with no days off, with customers, when I am really NOT a people person) so my emotional resources are pretty depleted.

I can look at this ride and then look back at my first outdoor ride of the season, which I did bareback and solo on a rainy day, up a side road, where we encountered a car and chatted with the driver, both of us totally relaxed. 









Outdoors and bareback!







www.youtube.com





I also had other rides, fully tacked, on nicer days, where we were both a little squirrelly and didn't make it far at all. The good, relaxed days are always great, though! I think both Elle and I definitely have some big mood swings, but I'm the more mare-ish one for sure.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Oh gosh, Rusty and I are the same. He is amazing on trails in summer, but in fall, he spooks and bolts a lot. I've learned that it is a seasonal thing and if I want to do a trail in the fall or winter, he will be a handful. Which, for Rusty, really isn't terrible, but still totally different than summer Rusty. On the other hand, that extra energy is great in the ring. So some days, I am brave enough to get on a trail, but other days I decide it's not worth the stress and I just stay in the ring. I am NOT a brave rider at all. 

Also, thank you for putting this out there so that others see that it's not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes new riders think they're the only ones that feel anxiety on their horses when in fact, most of us do go to those dark places on occasion. Even me, on my uber-safe Trusty Rusty. 

The important thing is that we get through it and live to see another day and another ride.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Acadianartist said:


> I think all of us riders (except the kids and teens whom we all know are immortal) can relate so much. Don't be so hard on yourself. You stayed in the arena with Elle, so she got to experience all the activity around her, including snow crashing off the roof, with her human safely at her side. It doesn't sound like any of your anxiety rubbed off on her.
> 
> You rode in the middle of a lot of activity. I wouldn't have enjoyed it either. But Elle still experienced it so chalk it up to a positive ride!


You know, I think a lot of the time, it isn't the horse that is having the spooks in the middle of all the action. There are days when I can ride in a packed arena and never blink. And then there are days when I can't stand having a single other rider in there. And let a yapping dog run loose in there with me? OMG. Or an attack chicken? Lord no, please. I'd rather ride down the median of the I-10 in the heart of Los Angeles at 5:30 pm on Friday night before a 3 day weekend. So some days, I think we deserve hazard pay just for getting up on the horse and getting in the ring. OH yes, and going into the indoor. Some days that's great. Other days........oooooohweeeee! I'd rather swim in the belly of the whale. 



SteadyOn said:


> I think both Elle and I definitely have some big mood swings, but I'm the more mare-ish one for sure.


 🐎 Have you thought about Regu-mate? For you? Just kidding,and I'm laughing with you, not at you. I totally get the mare-ish sentiments, I'm the one who's been told that people can see my mare ears lay flat. 



Acadianartist said:


> The important thing is that we get through it and live to see another day and another ride.


And that is the most important point of it all, isn't it? Live today and ride again tomorrow. We have good, bad, indifferent and sometimes just plain gawd awful, but in the end, it's all worth it.


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## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> You know, I think a lot of the time, it isn't the horse that is having the spooks in the middle of all the action. There are days when I can ride in a packed arena and never blink. And then there are days when I can't stand having a single other rider in there. And let a yapping dog run loose in there with me? OMG. Or an attack chicken? Lord no, please. I'd rather ride down the median of the I-10 in the heart of Los Angeles at 5:30 pm on Friday night before a 3 day weekend. So some days, I think we deserve hazard pay just for getting up on the horse and getting in the ring. OH yes, and going into the indoor. Some days that's great. Other days........oooooohweeeee! I'd rather swim in the belly of the whale.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I swear, TOTAL chaos is often easier to ride in and to mentally handle than partial chaos. Here we were at a show in 2016 -- a skinnier year for both of us, apparently. 😁 










I wasn’t kidding about the Ferris wheel!! It was, in fact, an entire carnival — and later that day it was teeming rain on top of that. Kids, dogs, umbrellas, a gazillion other horses and trailers and noises… Much easier to tune out than a single suspicious crack, rumble, or shadow. For the horses and for us!

I'll keep the Regumate in mind! LOL


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

SteadyOn said:


> I swear, TOTAL chaos is often easier to ride in and to mentally handle than partial chaos. Here we were at a show in 2016 -- a skinnier year for both of us, apparently. 😁
> 
> I wasn’t kidding about the Ferris wheel!! It was, in fact, an entire carnival — and later that day it was teeming rain on top of that. Kids, dogs, umbrellas, a gazillion other horses and trailers and noises… Much easier to tune out than a single suspicious crack, rumble, or shadow. For the horses and for us!
> 
> I'll keep the Regumate in mind! LOL


Yes, so spoiler alert, but I am in the HF book club reading Horse Brain, Human Brain and this totally makes sense. In the horse world, predators do not come in wearing loud colours and making a lot of noise, giving plenty of warning to their prey that they are coming! They sneak in softly, making as little noise as possible. That soft crack of a branch on the trail is OBVIOUSLY a lion getting ready to pounce! At least that's how the horse brain works. Oh, and they have pretty much no frontal cortex so they can't analyze a situation like we do and think "Wait, there are no lions in this part of the world." So that's why big noise does not equal spooks, but little noises can.


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

some days are like that. Deep breaths. It sounds a bit like a control issue, that you cannot control your surroundings . Panic attacks??? Have you had these issues in other aspects of your life, or just Riding ?


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

I get hot. When its to crowded or I get that feeling. I guess it is a form of stress or panic . lol. I just remove myself , or try calm myself with breathing, or I fan myself, and try to think of something positive or happy.


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## Slave2Ponies (May 25, 2013)

One reason I keep riding is it requires me to come out of my comfort zone...a lot. Especially right now that I have a greener horse. 

Your post is so encouraging to me!


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

SteadyOn said:


> I swear, TOTAL chaos is often easier to ride in and to mentally handle than partial chaos. Here we were at a show in 2016 -- a skinnier year for both of us, apparently. 😁
> 
> View attachment 1141618
> 
> ...


That reminds me of riding at the big Class A show at the Indio Date Festival in days of yore. I truly have not ridden as good a spook/bolt/HOLY MOTHER OF GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE as when we came face to face with the ostriches headed to the arena for the Ostrich Races. That was a ride with all kiinds of potential! Boozer was all, "HAH! Ferris wheel? What? Nah, piece of CAKE! Calliope? Tin Whistle? Fireworks? Meh, we've got this! OMG OMG OMG what the HADES are THOSE evil looking things! MOMMA!"


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## Animalia (Nov 10, 2019)

OMG! I am SO glad I saw this post! This sounds exactly like what goes on in my head while I'm riding sometimes! It used to be like this all the time, but I'm getting better and learning to trust Strider (who is 22 and sounds just like Elle as far as spookiness. He doesn't care about gunshots or dogs or blowing bags or people or anything--until he does--probably because I do. LOL Last Winter was terrible in the arena. He seemed to hare off at every noise and it was a very noisy arena. I called it the "shrieking shack". And then sometimes a bird or two got in there and that scared me because I thought it would scare him, and then it did. This year, at our new barn, there is a whole flock of pigeons that live in the arena rafters and coo and caw and walk around on the ground and fly up in front of us as we trot by--and Strider could care less. He seems more curious, but not scared. Ok, the barn cats sometimes jump onto these shelves on the wall--where the radio sits--and they jump down from a high height and the whole thing sounds like a gun went off--sometimes that startles him, but then we carry on. I've gotten so much better at putting it behind me and now being spooked, and making him be spooked. It used to be that an incident like that would make me only do some walking and then get off early too. So far I'm doing better, I hope it stays that wayl. But outside? We went outside to ride once at this place and he looked off in the distance ahead of us and seemed a little intense. Since I'm mostly blind and can't see very far ahead, I got worried and turned around because that dialogue was running through my head of "is it a deer, what if jumps out and scares him and we goes running into those thick trees and I get scraped off or break a leg? Of if it's a flock of turkeys, or even cranes that he has maybe never seen before and he turns to run and jumps over that fallen log and I've never jumped before and I could fall off..." and on and on--I was nervous that whole time and cut my ride short. LOL What we do to ourselves. 
Glad to know I'm not alone and heres to hoping things get smoother in our own heads!


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## carole Tudhope gilbert (7 mo ago)

SteadyOn said:


> Well, it happens, and I know it happens to everyone. It was happening to me a lot more this fall than I'd care to admit.
> 
> In the last couple of weeks I'd finally been feeling more comfortable riding again. Elle has been feeling great, and going great. Much more relaxed now that she's settled in at the place we moved to mid-November, and now that she's off the sugary intense feed she was on for three months prior to that (without my knowledge I should add).
> 
> ...


Well you are not alone. I am 80 and my riding ability has declined. I have 3 horses. I finally got confidence in my Paso Fino and ride him the most. I was able to gain confidence by riding him a lot and even though I was not anxious to ride,I always feel better afterward. The secret is to get fear out of the saddle.Much easier said than done. just keep riding as much as possible where you feel safe and in control. Try to keep your focus off of negative thoughts-also-easier said than done. If you could trot her calmly for awhile you might be able to burn off any excess energy while the activity might distract you from scary thoughts. Good luck and keep us posted.


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## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

Update: first ride since my choke, and I decided to start the year off on a better foot, and went out last night (the 1st!) and had one of my usual, after-hours, quiet evening rides. But to make it a but of a push-my-comfort-zone confidence building ride, I used my jump saddle for the first time since May, and trotted a cross rail several times each way. I almost NEVER jump, even though I used to in my teens, so any jumping is a big mental deal to me, even if the jump(s) is/are tiny.

Aside from the fact that Elle tends to over-stretch on landing and yank me out of my seat no matter how much I release (oh joy, guess we're both out practice), I felt stable and secure and it was fun. Practiced a little two point, and did lots of trot and canter without my stirrups after. Elle was pretty much perfect, and very relaxed.

I am definitely feeling it today though!










I swear it was bigger in person.


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## Amyrides (2 mo ago)

I definitely feel you, the other day some snow slid (which let me mention I’ve never come off from, just seen others). Google danced in place and was a little snorty, but handled it well. I, on the other hand, was shaking for like 10 minutes afterward 🤦‍♀️


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## APHAGal (11 d ago)

Singing helps boost both your horse and your confidence. I learned it long ago at my first horse show. 😁


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## Jolly101 (Jul 2, 2018)

Been there! I have choked so many times, especially jumping! I'm working with a green bean right now and the owner is nervous when the horse has little spooks, as she's in her 40's now and hasn't ridden a green horse in a while. Completely normal part of aging, I think though! We are just realizing we don't bounce like we used too and the anxiety is the part of us crazy horse girls that keeps us in check  We aren't taking the same risks we used too.

I talk a TON when I'm pacing myself and the horse. I think it helps me breathe and relax in the saddle. Rode the green bean in a new barn, first week there and she was quite spooky. Lots of new noises. The owner took a video and MAN, I did not realize I say a lot of gibberish at least every second stride haha. Half the time, I don't even know what I'm on about  "Why are you looking at that barrel over there. Ah it's blue. SOme scary, HUH.Well, I bet that could have lots of grain in it. Then you'd love that bucket, wouldn't you horse? YES, Grain, grain grain. so Yummy" being one of the many gibberish I spewed out! Sounded like a crazy person, BUT it helped me relax when the horse was about to spook and that helped diffuse the spook earlier. A tad embarressing when some of it went on Facebook though 😅


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