# How involved should a trainer be in a client's personal life?



## arabianrider00 (Apr 20, 2017)

Hi everyone. I'm posting this because I'm having a bit of trouble with a trainer lately. Well-not exactly trouble. I'm not even sure what it is, really. Lately I've just been feeling kind of..invaded. Lol. 

I switched barns to train with my current instructor about 6 years ago, when I moved here from Ohio. I live in eastern Michigan now and keep my horse at a barn there too. The trainer is smart and helpful with me and my horse, but she is a little bit nutty at the same time. 

I am 17 years old, almost 18. This information will become relevant as I continue explaining.

My trainer, to be truthful, thinks she is my mom. We got along well the first few years she trained me, but for about the past year or so she has felt the need to be very involved in my personal life outside of riding- so much so that she almost feels like a second mom, but not in a good way. Naturally, as we've been working together for 6 years now, we've gotten closer, but I don't feel that it's appropriate for her to comment on my personal life. For examples:

I have made many great friends at this barn. We all have a "barn group chat"- (for the non-techy folks, that basically means me and my friends can all text each other at the same time). These friends are all around the same age as me. We grew close very very quickly. We shared secrets, we rode together, we were always there for each other. One night, I got in a big fight with my mom, and texted the group chat about my situation. Basically, I was just looking for a shoulder to cry on and an ear to rant too. Everyone in the chat was kind and understanding. Me and my mom resolved the issue the next day and were fine, but a few weeks later I got a text from my trainer that said something along the lines of "You need to FIX THINGS with your mom. We have a horse show coming up, you need to be on the same page, time to be mature." 
I'd never spoken a word about this fight to my trainer..so someone in the group chat must have told her about it. Why they decided to share my personal business with my trainer, I have no idea?? To this day I still don't know who told her. Anyhow. I told my trainer .."Everything is fine? We are okay. We resolved this weeks ago." Thankfully she dropped it after that. But, I feel she had no right to comment on the relationship between me and my mom, as it was not something I had told her about, because obviously it wasn't relevant to riding, and frankly our fight was none of her business! I am not an oversharer. But I let it go.

Next, she found my social media. She made an actual fake instagram account. She requested to follow me, but she had her account set up to make it look like it was one of my friend's accounts. Naturally, thinking it was a friend, I accepted her follow request. She requested to follow my "spam" account (again for the non techy folks-a "spam" account is kind of a teenagery thing. It's an account that we let only our close friends follow. On our spams, we post about our day, silly little rants, talk about our personal lives a little. Not TOO personal-I'm aware that it is still the internet. I let only my very close friends follow my spam.) Again, she was posing as my friend, so I accepted her request. Next thing I know, she sends me an email with a screenshot attached to it. The screenshot is of a post i made on my spam about a rough day at school I'd had. There were two curse words in it (so sue me), and she told me, "If I see anything like this again, I will tell your mom or dad." Naturally I blocked her and she can no longer see my account. I was so annoyed. I am almost a legal adult, and she is threatening to "tell on me"? For two curse words? My parents don't care if I curse. They curse like sailors themselves, LOL. I felt it was extremely inappropriate for her to "spy on me." 

Finally, what really got me was where I want to go to school. I am almost ready to start applying for universities. I was thinking of maybe heading down to Texas, Mississippi, somewhere in the south. I told her this one day during a casual conversation, and she told me, "Oh, no. You need to be going here, here, and here. (Obviously she didnt say the words "here", she named off a couple of community schools that I have no interest in.) But, she wasn't saying it helpfully, like she was giving suggestions; she was ACTUALLY trying to tell me where to go! Asking me how much money I planned to spend on college, etc. I felt it was unprofessional and inappropriate.
There have been other , smaller instances where she's commented on my relationship with my parents, which I feel is rude, because she doesn't know anything about my home life and doesn't need too. She is my trainer, not my therapist. 

Anyways, I'm just wondering, is this normal?? Are all trainers like this when they get to know their students better? It makes me annoyed, and it also makes me feel like nothing I ever do outside of riding is private-it always has to be HER business. Where does the line get drawn?? I just want someone who will be professional and train me and my horse. That's it-I dont need a therapist or a second mom. 

I should mention that unfortunately I cannot move barns or switch trainers. I literally can't-Boarding barns are too scarce around here, and they are also an ungodly amount of money compared to the place I am at now. They are also too far away. I am stuck. Ugh! Anyways, just a bit of a rant.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

This goes way beyond normal interest in your riding students, this almost sounds "stalker-ish" Tell your parents exactly what you have told us here, see what they say? You say you can't change barns, well you're stuck with the inappropriate coach then and her nutso behaviour.


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## arabianrider00 (Apr 20, 2017)

waresbear said:


> This goes way beyond normal interest in your riding students, this almost sounds "stalker-ish" Tell your parents exactly what you have told us here, see what they say? You say you can't change barns, well you're stuck with the inappropriate coach then and her nutso behaviour.


Yes, I will tell my parents. Thankfully I'll only be stuck at that barn for another year or so, which I can definitely manage. I am planning on taking my horse to school with me, so we'll be out in a while!


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## ApuetsoT (Aug 22, 2014)

In my experience, this isn't an uncommon occurrence. Especially at smaller barns and with younger clients. Is a weird business that gets personal easy. 

I have experienced similar situations. Not to the degree of mothering, but pushing past that client-provider relationship. I usually just withdraw and become less involved, because I'm great at healthy conflict resolution.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Here's how I'm seeing this. I agree your trainer is out of bounds BUT.....you put her there. I know you say you 'don't overshare', but if you're putting it on FB or Twitter, you are. If you don't want it to come back to bite you in the backside, don't put it on paper and especially don't put it on social media. You want to vent, go kick a chair, don't put it in group chat or on social media. Once it's on the 'net, it's out there forever and for the world. If you don't want it spread around, don't put it on your phone and send it to the group chat. There's an old expression, "Three people can share a secret, if 2 of them are dead.". Live it.


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## arabianrider00 (Apr 20, 2017)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> Here's how I'm seeing this. I agree your trainer is out of bounds BUT.....you put her there. I know you say you 'don't overshare', but if you're putting it on FB or Twitter, you are. If you don't want it to come back to bite you in the backside, don't put it on paper and especially don't put it on social media. You want to vent, go kick a chair, don't put it in group chat or on social media. Once it's on the 'net, it's out there forever and for the world. If you don't want it spread around, don't put it on your phone and send it to the group chat. There's an old expression, "Three people can share a secret, if 2 of them are dead.". Live it.


I do see your point. However, I must note that the stuff I vent about online is very very trivial stuff, like a hard quiz I took, or running late for my job because I couldn't find my shoes, little day-to-day stuff like that. It's nothing inappropriate, insulting, or harmful, and I never post about my personal relationships with people I don't like. My parents check my social media every now and then to make sure of this. As for my texts, yes I learned that lesson the hard way. I thought that these were all my best friends that I could trust very much, but I realized that you really never know who will share your business with others. I learned that the hard way, unfortunately!


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## seabiscuit91 (Mar 30, 2017)

This definitely isn't your fault... please do not let her/anyone make you feel like you're to blame.
Because at the end of the day, you're the minor. You're still the kid and she is the adult. I know you're close to legal age but you met her when you weren't. 
There does seem to be boundaries pushed here. Quite a bit.
Personally i would try to disengage as best you can. If you are stuck do as much on your part as you can. Perhaps stay out of the group chat unless to arrange face to face time with friends. Try to avoid/or disregard comments she makes about personal issues just act a bit aloof like you didn't hear her/change the subject.
I would speak to your parents either way though. They may be able to help or give you advice.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

I would be very worried and I would ask my parents for help. Let me explain: most people are nosy. Most people will put their nose in other people's business BUT most people will remove their nose from other people's business when told that they have crossed a boundary. Your trainer already KNOWS she is crossing boundaries because she purposefully made a misleading account. This is not normal behavior. 

I'm not sure how you should handle it. My best guess that a stern talking to from your parents might help, because she seems to think she is entitled to cross your boundaries but she may feel differently to your parents boundaries (which is the exact same boundary in this case, keep your nose out of my daughter's business).

Jeez, some people... really...

You sound like a really nice and grounded young woman. This isn't your fault.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> Here's how I'm seeing this. I agree your trainer is out of bounds BUT.....you put her there. I know you say you 'don't overshare', but if you're putting it on FB or Twitter, you are. If you don't want it to come back to bite you in the backside, don't put it on paper and especially don't put it on social media. You want to vent, go kick a chair, don't put it in group chat or on social media. Once it's on the 'net, it's out there forever and for the world. If you don't want it spread around, don't put it on your phone and send it to the group chat. There's an old expression, "Three people can share a secret, if 2 of them are dead.". Live it.


I agree with you that people shouldn't put their lives on internet. I've been working in IT for 20 years - once it's out there, it's out there. Don't get me started with girls sending their intimate photos and videos to their boyfriends. That is just completely irresponsible.

But, I don't agree that the situation is her fault. Think about it, a grown woman thought about how she could get personal information on a teenager. And than she came up with a plan and went to her computer and made a fake account. That's not normal. If you take the social media out of the equation, she would be digging around in other ways, going through her bag, eavesdropping...just general craziness.


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## Kaiit (Mar 28, 2017)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> Here's how I'm seeing this. I agree your trainer is out of bounds BUT.....you put her there. I know you say you 'don't overshare', but if you're putting it on FB or Twitter, you are.


It's important for people to express their feelings, even if they're very silly ones that they regret with hindsight. Suppression of feelings is what leads to mental health problems and the internet is a very good platform to anonymously express oneself without the worry of someone finding out "in real life." From the sound of it, OP is only trusting her friends with these feelings, so I wouldn't judge her for it and wouldn't recommend she bottles it up - it's part of being a teenager and it's part of growing up. It may seem childish to an adult who can deal with their feelings but that's just it - you are an adult and know how to deal with those feelings. I'm not sure if you're just trying to imply that bullying can easily occur from written vents online, which it clearly can, but it can also occur from spoken word. Any of her friends could be taking what she's said out of context but they're not - it's a full grown adult who definitely should know better than to go digging into a teenager's personal life. It's just plain creepy that she's doing this and I would agree with everyone else who have said to tell the parents the whole story and have a talk with the instructor. I wouldn't put any blame at all on a teenager doing teenage stuff.


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## Jan1975 (Sep 7, 2015)

I don't think your first story is terribly out of line as it's more just concern, but your second story about the fake Instagram account is creepy.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

seabiscuit91 said:


> This definitely isn't your fault... please do not let her/anyone make you feel like you're to blame.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Wow. She's definitely out of line, especially making a fake Instagram account...like seriously? Is it that serious she had to go THAT far? :O She sounds a bit loony to me. A grown adult making a fake account to creep on a teenager...? Yeah, weird.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I guess, what it comes down to is you can't really trust people. Whoever told her about the fight with your mom (in the group text obviously it was someone from that) caused that issue. 
Just keep to yourself, it's OK to vent but make sure you can trust that person you are venting to. 
For example, I wouldn't share much within the group text; obviously someone is in there you cannot trust.

I hope you blocked the fake Instagram account, too. Beware as she may do it again. 

I'd definitely tell your parents about it, I'm sure they wouldn't be happy about it either, especially since you or them are paying money for her to be your TRAINER...nothing else. You are right, she is not your therapist.

But I do also agree that you have to be VERY careful about what you share online AND with others. Even something little can be blown into something bigger depending on who sees it. While I do agree with the above on not to share stuff all the time, it's not your fault that she is acting this way- it needs to stop. Sounds like a bit of an obsession.

She's a nosybody for sure. 

My trainer, I've known her for YEARS. We do talk on a personal level sometimes, but it's never anything like that, she doesn't try to get 'involved' in my life. That would just be a bit creepy and uncomfortable!

Wish you could switch barns/trainers. But for now, I guess just keep everything to a minimum when you converse with her. If she does say anything (like about the colleges, etc.) then just tell her 'thank you but that is a bit personal' or something.
Don't give her ANY reason to get into your business.

I don't think you are probably the first person she's done this too, either...sounds like she is a bit of an oddball with some screws missing. It's not normal what she's doing. So my answer is NO, a trainer should not be that involved.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

No, this is not normal behavior. Making up a fake account to spy on you is way beyond normal. But we've met our share of trainers who were just a little on the off-side of normal so I can't say I'm totally surprised.

I'd say get a new trainer, but you say that's not an option. So the only thing I can suggest is that you stop sharing any personal information with this trainer, or with the barn chat group. That includes fights with parents or friends, school trouble, and where you're applying to go to college. She doesn't need to know those things, and obviously there are some in your friend groups that are leaking information. Best to just stop sharing it. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to vent, just do it one on one or in person. It's not normal to do what she did, but you are powerless to stop her if you don't want to lose her as a trainer, so I'd just treat her the way you want her to treat you - all business. You talk ONLY about riding and horses with her. 

I'm sorry you had to deal with this. It's not normal and isn't your fault.


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

If you want to cut down on creepers, stop friending every random person who sends you a friend request. If you don't know them, don't accept their request. I don't understand why people, especially youngsters, don't get this simple concept.

I keep my FB postings light, and only friend people I've actually met or know of through another real life friend. 

While the trainer sounds like she's a few beers short of a six-pack, your random 'friend everyone' tactics aren't helping your situation, OP.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

Speed Racer said:


> If you want to cut down on creepers, stop friending every random person who sends you a friend request. If you don't know them, don't accept their request. I don't understand why people, especially youngsters, don't get this simple concept.
> 
> I keep my FB postings light, and only friend people I've actually met or know of through another real life friend.
> 
> While the trainer sounds like she's a few beers short of a six-pack, your random 'friend everyone' tactics aren't helping your situation, OP.


Um, I think the point was that the instructor purposefully impersonated OPs friend. OP thought she knew who the request came from.


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## arabianrider00 (Apr 20, 2017)

Horsef said:


> Speed Racer said:
> 
> 
> > If you want to cut down on creepers, stop friending every random person who sends you a friend request. If you don't know them, don't accept their request. I don't understand why people, especially youngsters, don't get this simple concept.
> ...


Yes, exactly. The account was set up to look exactly like one of my friend's accounts. I never let people follow me who I don't know. 

Thank you everyone for the advice. I obviously blocked her fake Insta account. I think if she continues to be overly nosy and in my business I'm going to have my mom sit down and talk to her. My mom can be scarily stern when she wants too-which is why I no longer have an "attitude" now, LOL. In the long run, I really only have to board here one more year before I take my horse to college with me. I've lasted this long..I'm sure I can make it another year!


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## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

Today there is a lot of hacking done in the world of social media....
If in doubt you know the person, why is your friend asking to become your friend again, so forth and so on....send a PM, make contact through another means and check it out first before hitting "allow".
The other part of that is your friend was hacked, period. So not only is your account affected but so is theirs.

After reading near every post.... 
You _are_ a minor and think _you_ make a lot of decisions....:neutral:
I think some *not* wisely by your comment, _"I think if she continues to be overly nosy and in my business I'm going to have my mom sit down and talk to her."_
_Do your parents truly know all of what has been going on...completely, not hiding any details from them? :think: think not and it might be a really good idea to clue them in to keep you safe!_

If I was your parent, my decision would be good-bye to this trainer. 
Overstepping the bounds of being your trainer she_ has_ done, impersonating others and telling my child who to interact with, how to speak/write, who to deal with, where to further her education...is more than she has rights to.
She is your riding instructor who has lost her judgment on what is proper protocol and what is bordering on obsession and stalking...she has over-stepped where she belongs.
If you were my child....you would not only _*not*_ be riding with this person, your horse would no longer be at this facility if this trainer is on staff. 
Your friends are your friends...them you can keep.
Those bordering on stalking would be having a discussion face-to-face with mommy & daddy about the line they crossed and where you as rightful parents will be choosing to have legal dealings done... 
The area she touches on in my mind is "endangering the welfare of a child" and pretty broad in interpretation...

This person _may_ have been a good trainer,_ past tense...._
Time to find a new one who takes a interest in their rider but not over-step bounds.
_jmo..
:runninghorse2:
_


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## ApuetsoT (Aug 22, 2014)

horselovinguy said:


> Today there is a lot of hacking done in the world of social media....
> If in doubt you know the person, why is your friend asking to become your friend again, so forth and so on....send a PM, make contact through another means and check it out first before hitting "allow".
> The other part of that is your friend was hacked, period. So not only is your account affected but so is theirs.




You can't get your account hacked just by being friends with a compromised account, unless they use the access to social engineer you. You would have to download something from them to get you computer infected with malware.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Wow, this trainer's behavior has long since stepped into "creepy" territory; I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

I know you say "If things escalate" you'll have your mother talk to her--but I think that time has passed. I would involve your mother now, so you don't have to deal with what could arise in the future. Just a thought. Best of luck


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## Chasin Ponies (Dec 25, 2013)

No, this trainer's behavior is in no way the normal trainer/client relationship. It's downright creepy.

You have to tolerate another year there so do get your stern mother involved right now. A year might not seem like much but really, can you stand another year of this? If you don't get mom involved you'll just have to learn to tune her out and not response to her craziness in any way. 

I'm glad you seem to understand the increased danger and embarrassment that social media and group texting can cause. Your upcoming generation aren't actually talking face to face with each other anymore and this is sad.

Please use extreme caution whenever you are on the internet. We have had several people fired at work for posting comments about the General Manager on Facebook thinking that it wouldn't get back to her. 5 people forwarded her the posts the next day!! Many companies (and mine is one) are now implementing social media policies where you can get fired (or just not hired) based on comments you have publicly made. Posting the wrong thing or having a text forwarded to the wrong person can *impact your life forever.*


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## StephaniHren (Jan 7, 2016)

As someone very active online, I don't think posting about your day to day life on Instagram means that you automatically put your trainer into an out of bounds position. She's the one that crossed the line, not you, and to imply that somehow this is your fault for wanting to share your feelings with friends online is victim blaming nonsense, imo. So long as you approach your online activity with the knowledge that it is a public space and you always strive to speak with respect and kindness, there's no reason not to connect with others (especially others who share your passion for horses; isn't that why we're all on here?).

There are different outlooks on online activity. Some people share nothing. Some people only share good things. Some people share _everything_. It's a personal decision, and no choice is the "right" one. Personally, I lean more towards sharing everything than sharing nothing. When I have a bad day with my horse, I complain about him. When I have a good day with my horse, I praise him. My only rule is that I never criticize anyone on social media (especially not people I know in real life). I follow that old saying: "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all." (the exception being if somebody is bullying someone else, then always say something but keep it respectful!).

ANYWAYS. Definitely tell your parents. Then, if I were you, I would start setting boundaries verbally with your trainer. You're almost eighteen and this is an important skill to have! As a general rule, with people that are overly invested in my life, I usually say something like, "I appreciate your concern, but my mother and I have already resolved our issues and I would appreciate it if you'd keep our relationship riding-related." She's going to be mad because at this point she thinks of herself as a "parent figure" (next time if you set boundaries like this right off the bat it'll be easier!), but she'll get over it (or, you know, she won't and you'll move your horse in a year anyways) and you'll be stronger because of it.

"If I see anything like this again, I will tell your mom or dad." ---> "Trainer, my parents are already aware of my online activity and the type of language I use outside of an educational setting. My social media account is a platform for me to express myself. I appreciate everything you've done for me, but it doesn't excuse your duplicity."

"Oh, no. You need to be going here, here, and here." ---> "Thanks for your advice! I'll keep those schools in mind, but I'm pretty set on [SCHOOL] or [SCHOOL]. My parents are helping with the decision, but ultimately the choice is mine."

Learning how to walk the line between being strong and being rude can be hard, but it's worth it.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

When I was teaching there was no such thing as the Internet so no way to follow what my pupils were up to, not, I hasten to add, did I ever want to! 

It doesn't seem at all normal. 

I had close relationships with many pupils, they used me to answer their problematic questions, often would rant about parents or soblings. I would be truthful in answering them and they knew this. Then again I often had parents moaning about their children so I could see both sides. 

I think you should tell your parents and as you are nearly an adult also say someing to your trainer about her 'interest' in your personal life.


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## 6gun Kid (Feb 26, 2013)

My trainer is very involved in my personal life, I am married to her! However your situation is not normal!


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