# A rough Draft



## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Scarsmyhorse said:


> So this is just a rough draft and im not finished I need to reread and see how many words are misspelled will not enjoy that day .
> 
> Chapter 1. Through The Storms
> The first day I got my horse, I did not the know the storms and trials that came with him. He was not my first horse nor will he be my last horse, but I do believe he is going to help me on my journey for what God has for me in the future. (that whole phrase is difficult). I know God will always have his hand upon me and Scar. (I had to read further to figure out that Scar is the horse; his name should be introduced before this point.) I can tell more then one story about how God has kept his hand on me and Scar. I'm thankful for that. Without his hand on us, we ("we both" is redundant) would have been gone long ago. (Gone where?) Just like last summer we could have gotten into serious trouble. It wasn't a perfect day; far from that actually.


I think it's great that you are expressing your creative skills here. Your spelling and typos can easily be corrected with autocorrect. You really need to learn about sentence structure. I started to edit it to help, but it got too difficult because there are entire thoughts missing. Fluency is lacking in your writing. Remember that the reader only knows what you write, not what you intend to communicate. It is important to set the scene, give background and be consistent in the storyline.

For example, in the excerpt below, the scene starts with a girl being put on the horse. Then "off we went." Then somehow the father is being dragged along and there are two of you on the horse. It's not clear at all how the scene transitioned from one person on a horse, to walking out, to Dad still hanging on and two of you are on the horse.




> Thats just what happened dad decided to put our neighbor's duaghter up on him to I told him not to do that i was getting ready to put scar up for the day but he decided it would be fine so off we went . Scar started freaking out more then ever Dad was being dragged along and us in the saddle were just hanging on for dear life getting whacked in the head with the tree branches .


It might be helpful for you to keep your sentences shorter. Break your thoughts into smaller, more concise ideas. One sentence -- one thought. Words like "and" and "but" allow us to make sentences too long and unwieldy. Another method might be to job an idea down, then write a little bit that embellishes that idea or event. Lead up to the event, set the scene and then describe the event.

Learning to write clearly is not easy, especially since the current school system doesn't provide the education for it. Keep trying!

Edited to try to fix the font. Sorry, I couldn't make the italics go away in the first quotation.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I agree with the above--try writing in smaller sentences, and in varying sentence lengths. It will make your piece flow better, and make it more of a pleasure to read.


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## Godgirl (Jul 11, 2013)

I agree. if you made your sentances smaller or even used some commas here and there it would flow a lot more nicely.


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