# Dealing with the guilt of putting my horse down



## Carriejole (Mar 14, 2018)

Hi All,

I recently put a rescue down, who was only 11 years old, due to a freak accident two weeks ago. He was a Saddlebred that I'd only had two years.

It was a Monday afternoon at about 2:30 when my barn owner texted me that my horse had kicked the round pin panels (it was used for our indoor arena area) at the barn. Just his usual kick out at the panels, bucking, and tearing off - followed by "I noticed he was lame about a minute after." At first, it sounded like nothing serious... until she then included the part where at first he was putting some weight on his right hind leg - to being non-weight bearing of current. Knowing what I know about horses, of course being on three legs for an extended period of time is not good news. 

Upon my arrival to the barn, he was standing toward the back of his stall (which was unusual - usually he was up front looking out, nickering at me). I opened the door, he was standing sideways, his leg was HUGE, and an abnormal knot appeared at the top of his lower leg. I knew this wasn't good, my horse was shocky from the pain and his leg was quivering. 

Long story short, it took me a day before I could round up a vet to get out there. My mom is a veterinarian herself, but she is close to retirement age and no longer has the portable xray machine to get out there. I did, however, send her pictures and show her video of him hopping on three legs. She then said "I'm ,not going to sugar coat this, you need to prepare for the worst." Upon the vet taking xrays, I found out just how bad it was. His bone was literally displaced - he had a comminuted fracture of the P2 that involved the articulate surfaces of the pastern and coffin joints. His break went through the joint - it was BAD. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put him down a day later. It was literally the worst - I felt like he wasn't ready to go by any means, though I knew he was in pain, even with max doses of bute.

I have had so many people asking me if I could have done surgery, which four vets (after seeing xrays) have all said NO. That his quality of life, if he were ever even the slightest bit sound, would not be the same. That he would be a pasture horse "at best."

I've had a really hard time with this, I basically had 48 hours in between the time it happened to the time I put him down... and I've never had to put a horse down, let alone one that's only 11 and I felt like still mentally there. 

I'm curious if you all have had freak accidents with your horses, and how you've dealt with it? I felt such a strong bond with this guy - more so than the rest of the horses I've had throughout the years. Posting xrays in case anyone cares to see as well.

https://imgur.com/a/QcroX


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

I went through something similar in the loss of my dog. He went into acute kidney failure. By the time i realized there was a problem it was too late. It appears that he had a septic infection that hit kidneys, liver, lungs and heart. Endocarditis in his heart. The funny thing was he was alert and walking and kept trying to take me to the door to leave the vet. Hardest thing i have ever done was saying goodbye. 

Freak accidents are very difficult to handle because you aren't prepared for the loss. Normally we have time to prepare ourselves when it is an older animal. There is no preparation for something like this.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I have no similar experience, but I am sorry that you had to go through this.

There are no end of decisions in life that we will reconsider, second guess or rue later on. we all know hind sight is 20/20. My guess is that you would make the same decision again, faced with the same news from the vets, so don't allow yourself to spend time trying to cast it in some different light than it was . It is being unfair, and untruthful to yourself.


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## horseylover1_1 (Feb 13, 2008)

I haven't had to make the decision to put a horse (or any pet) down, so unfortunately I can only offer condolences. You DID do the right thing. A quote that I really like says "Sometimes the kindest thing we can do for an animal is transferring their pain into our own." Which is so true. You are in a lot of pain right now which is to be expected.. but at least he is not. Horses don't think about the future like we do. He wasn't thinking "I'm only 11, I could live a few more years happily in the pasture if only I had surgery." No, he was in pain and it was very kind of you to alleviate that for him.

I really am sorry for your loss.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

So sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking to loose your heart horse. Give yourself plenty of time to recover. You really didn't have any other options, and he is now in a better place. :hug:


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

My grandad was a vet and I rescue animals - I currently have over 50 though at one point I had 200. Living with a vet (as in the practice was downstairs!) meant we saw and experienced a lot of horrific things. Every time we put an animal down or one died a little chunk of me died too. I have also made some TERRIBLE mistakes which as I've grown older I know it just comes with handling SO MANY animals that statistically I am more likely to make said mistakes. I once dropped a flightless bird (a jackdaw to be precise that was undergoing rehab). It's lungs collapsed and I held it in my hands until he passed. I have had to put several pets down - dogs, cats, rodents, birds, reptiles... I let someone else's owl who they had JUST BOUGHT to train... escape. An accident with some dodgy netting and carelessness on my part. Just yesterday I had one of my degus put to sleep as he, too, was suffering. I was the last hope for an aggressive llama at a farm after begging to try work with him until finally conceding that for everyone's safety and his quality of life he needed to be put down (with a bullet, in the end). 

I bawl my eyes out every time and it NEVER gets easier. The worst for ME are the quick, unexpected ones. You're left asking questions, maybe you just needed more time? But logically we know it's the right thing to do. You did the right thing. Wherever he is, he's not in pain. In his last moments he is lucky to NOT have the gift of foresight. He didn't worry about what he was missing out on life he just knew that right now he hurt bad. The future hurts us, not them. He's not in pain and he's still alive within you. Wishing you well <3


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## Werecat (Aug 23, 2015)

Just writing to offer my deepest condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said, despite it being absolutely gutting, you did the right thing by him.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

My sympathies on the loss of your horse.


We had a 6 month old colt break both bones on a foreleg between his shoulder and knee. His leg was hanging backwards when I found him. Our vet consulted Purdue and they wanted to try surgery but there was less than 50% chance that it would make him even pasture sound so we had him euthanized. He wasn't the first or last horse we've had to have put down but that one was the least expected. To this day we have no idea how he even broke the leg.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

I don't have a similar experience, but my BO had to put her heart horse down (before I met him), and to this day she regrets waiting too long and having him spend the last moments of his life in total agony. You don't speak of it in your post, but the title mentions "guilt": You have nothing to feel guilty about. (If he was kicking those panels for fun and not because he got panicked, I am just surprised how little horses know how to assess their strength. I may hit the table top in frustration so that it tingles, but not so that I break my hand!) 

Anyway, pain and grief are normal, of course; "guilt" implies that you did something wrong. I can't see how anything you did or failed to do caused or contributed to that incident, nor do I see an alternative to putting him down.

I once sat with and comforted a horse that was circling the drain (she got back up after all), and that wasn't even mine - only "an acquaintance" from the barn. I have a pretty good idea how you feel, but allowing yourself to go through the grief is probably the best thing you can do.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your feelings at the moment. But you absolutely did the right thing. We sometimes desperately cling to that last hope of survival not for the sake of our animals, but for our own selfish reasons. You recognized the situation for what it was, and made a quick decision regardless of how hard it was for you. That took great courage. You have no reason to feel guilty. You gave your horse the gift of ending his suffering even if it meant great sorrow for you. 

I haven't put down a horse yet, but have had to do it for many other animals. It is hard, and you keep wondering if you could have done anything different, but clearly, this was a freak accident, and there was nothing you could have done. A friend of mine found her mare in her stall with a shattered jaw one morning. The only thing they could figure is that she somehow got her teeth caught in the panel that opens to put feed in the stall, panicked, and pulled back. She had a broken jaw, and a huge gash, blood everywhere. They drove her 5 hours to a vet college where they stitched her up, and wired her jaw. Last I heard, the mare wasn't doing very well. She won't eat, is depressed, and no doubt in a huge amount of pain. I'm not sure they did her a favour. 

Last summer, the day of a show, the BO was letting her horses out in the pasture to free up some stalls (one of which was for our horse) while the riders were warming up before the show. Her 38 year old mare went down as they were leading her out. They called the vet, and she was euthanized within a half hour or so. This is all going on within view of the riding arena. This was the BO's heart horse (she is my daughter's coach), and everyone was absolutely mortified. The BO was bawling, they covered the mare in blankets, and laid flowers on her. Then the BO stood up, and told the riders to get ready to show. We all had a moment of silence for the mare, but the show happened anyway. I honestly don't know how she did it, but I was never so filled with admiration for that woman as I was that day. 

You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do what needed to be done.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

To me you should not feel an iota of guilt. 
It was an accident, he was in pain, it was very unlikely that he would ever recover and be forever in pain. You have done the right thing by him amd no way should you beat yourself up over it. 

Anyone who says otherwise is selfish and not an animal lover. 

I look at it that if he was in the wild he would soon be dead slowly and painfully. With you he hasn't had to go through that.


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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

I am so very sorry for your loss, but I feel you made the kindest choice for your horse. There are things much worse than a swift release from pain - and that would include subjecting a horse with rads like that to any sort of surgery and "recovery."

I think many people have watched too much TV and expect the things they see there to happen in real life. This sets up totally unrealistic expectations. I don't know why some people have such trouble accepting that sometimes there is simply no other option: _quantity_ of life is never more important than _quality_ of life.

May you find comfort in your memories.. and the fortitude to let ignorant questions not cause you undue guilt and sorrow.


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

There is a lesson in life that has carried me through some really tough decisions...I know they use it for various addiction treatments but, I found the advice in it to be useful in many, many situations...you don't have to be a religious person to learn from it.

_"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference." 
_
What happened was out of your control, you could not go back an change it. 

Your horse was in pain and you did have it in your power to change that much.

You had the courage and the wisdom to know what you had to do.

I put down a special horse just this past January, less than a month after my mother died. Lots of hurt there but, I know it was the right thing and once the raw pain subsides, I think you will find it is a decision you will be able to come to terms with.

Cyber hugs....


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

You did what was right by the horse. There’s no shame or guilt in that. 

I put down my horse at the age of only 14. I had had him since he was 6 months old. He had severe arthritis and I could no longer keep him comfortable and his personality was changing because of it. I still miss him all these years later but I know it was the right decision.


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## Carriejole (Mar 14, 2018)

mmshiro said:


> Anyway, pain and grief are normal, of course; "guilt" implies that you did something wrong. I can't see how anything you did or failed to do caused or contributed to that incident, nor do I see an alternative to putting him down.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Cordillera Cowboy (Jun 6, 2014)

You had the courage to do right by the horse. Several vets, including your mother have confirmed this. That won't change your grief, but you've no reason to feel guilty. 


My primary cavalry mount was kicked by another horse during a demonstration. I'll never forget the sound. I looked down and saw her leg hanging. I dismounted and backed her off of the line. We waited there until the demonstration was complete. The vet arrived and she was put down as soon as the spectators left. It was not my decision to make, the horse belonged to the Army. But I knew what would happen as soon as I saw that leg. I was ordered into the barn, and not allowed to be present. The vet came to me afterwards and described the fracture. There was no chance that leg would ever heal properly. 


There are just times when the unexpected takes away the chance at a long, full life for a young, strong horse. It is our responsibility to take the necessary action. Give your grief time. Give no time to anyone who tries to make you feel guilty.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

March 22, 2016 my husband noticed my gelding laying down in his stall run. This was not like him at all. I ran out to him - but he was already gone (brain aneurysm) at the end of April I drove 7 hours and purchased a fancy little Fox Trotter mare. She was just gorgeous! We spent the summer getting to know one another and she helped me when I had to put my Sr mare down in June due to colic caused by her fight with cancer. In August my daughter went out to bring the horses in from the pasture and Skye (my new Fox Trotter) did not come up with the other horses. My daughter went to look for her (our pasture has a rolling hill) when she came running back up the hill I could tell by the look on her face that something horrible had happened. When I walked down the hill Skye was laying on her side with her back right leg literally dangling from a compound fracture above the fetlock. My daughter and I sat with her and fed her all of her favorite treats until the vet came to end her suffering. We don't know for sure how she broke her leg, kick from a herd mate, landed wrong while cantering up the hill? Who knows. It was a freak accident.

You did the right thing. Horses live in the moment - and he was suffering and would continue to suffer. Your decision saved him from unnecessary pain and a questionable future.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

I am so sorry for your loss of this beautiful boy. I understand the feeling of guilt in thinking that maybe you could have given him a chance no matter what others said. I looked at the exray and it didn't look good. I think that you did the right thing. Several vets said that he probably wouldn't recover from this so you saved him days, weeks, or months of pain to come to the same conclusion. Don't feel guilty, I think that you were very brave and he is no longer in pain.


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## autumn rain (Sep 7, 2012)

So sorry that you had to make this heartbreaking decision. I think it is only natural to question yourself about it. I had my 34 year old beloved horse put down, and I knew it was the right decision for her and yet, I still questioned myself. You know within your own heart that you did what you needed to do, and your doubts will fad with time. You did your best for your equine friend!


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## 6gun Kid (Feb 26, 2013)

Acadianartist said:


> You should be proud of yourself for having the courage to do what needed to be done.


This, 1000 times, this! It is never easy, but the ability to make this call, to put the _needs_ of the animal ahead of our_ hopes_, is the hallmark of a true animal lover!


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