# Battling the Hard-handed Rider



## rookie (May 14, 2012)

First, don't be so hard on yourself. You are human (I assume) and you are not perfect. I think that the first problem is that you set this perfect expectation and set heavy expectations for your ride. I do this too, I get all caught up in doing one thing and usually the rides I expect to be the best are the worst. You become tense because when one thing does not fall into your mental plan you get upset. The rides where I don't have expectations I just go with the flow often go better because I am more relaxed. It sounds like things are better between you and your horse when you don't go in with big expectations. 

Now, life is imperfect and you will probably be frustrated again. I would try to find something that you can do when frustrated. Ie. you circle, you count to ten or you sing happy birthday when you feel yourself getting frustrated. That has been my big challenge to realize when I am getting frustrated and stop myself or divert that emotion before it turns into action. 

If you were heavy handed all the time I would say go back to a mild bit/halter and/or a neck strap to work on using your body over your hands. The problem sounds like its less a riding skill and more a temper issue. You know how to ride correctly you just have to control your temper/emotions. Thats a part of riding and life, leaning when and how to express yourself in a non-damaging way. Don't worry we are all learning that and will be for a very long time.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I wonder if we don't all wish we were more soft handed than we are. I don't yank on my horse's mouth out of anger, but it doesnt' take long for me to realize that I am getting less and less out of the horse, and it has everything to do with doing too much with my hands. Times like these is where having another pair of eyes on the ground to tell me what I am REALLY doing, and remind me that I want my horse to do what I "ask" him, not what I pull him into.

So, for me, what has helped me a LOT is to remember that the reins are "aids", and they should be there to "help" your horse do what he needs to do to be balanced and correct. Always keep in your mind that you should be "helping" your horse. That thought will encourage a supportive attitude, rather than a combative one. same horse, same problems, different perception .


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

You need to seriously get control of your anger. Hard handed riding is not only ugly, and unfair, but it can be seriously damaging.

Try holding mane when you start to get frustrated. Lock your upper arms to your torso so you can only use your elbows.


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## demonwolfmoon (Oct 31, 2011)

Be more Zen about it.

When you're on your horse, you're on your horse. That is ALL you are doing. You aren't frustrated from earlier (making any horsie frustration worse). Put it all out of your mind.

Animals are like people...they have bad days too. When you noticed he was going to have an off day...maybe try something else instead of getting frustrated? Try looking at the big picture, ya know? I used to get so mad when I'd have a bad day trying to tame down the feral pony, but hubby would remind me....look how far you've come. Maybe that would help you as well. If you're upset or taking your anger out on the horse, he FEELS that, whether you are hurting him or not. Making the horse anxious or nervous isn't going to help you to have those "perfect" days.

I hate to suggest it because I truly suck at it...but have you tried meditation? Or any other relaxation exercise?


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## flytobecat (Mar 28, 2010)

I tend to tense up when I'm scared and my hands get heavy. One things that helps me is taking several deep yoga breaths until I start to relax.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Why don't you just take a break from all the "work" riding for a while?

It's coming into winter, why don't you just do some trails and not worry about your horse being perfect? Work on loose rein stuff without a contact, practice seat and leg responses so you stop thinking of your hands the way you are. 

I do get in a way where that is coming from. Learning to ride I want to a riding school that, well it wasn't the greatest I guess. It was very much "pull to stop, pull to turn" - which I think is rather common. It was very much "the hands control the horse". Even after years of better lessons when something isn't working I feel like grabbing the mouth for control, or doing something with my hands. I think it's pretty human though - well feel that if we grasp something, we can control it. Its taken a while for me to really, back off the mouth only using what I need and then releasing.

I think Rookie is right though about this being a temper issue, or a frustration one. You have an ideal in your mind and when it doesn't work that way you get upset, then you are hard on the mouth and then you probably get more upset because you know it's not right but then you do it again. 

I used to have a temper, be impatient and frustrated and it's only in the last couple of years I've kind of "conquered" it. I'm still sensitive and touchy at times but I have my way of dealing with things. I'll share how I did it.

The first thing for me was really knowing that there was always a way out. In an argument I can just turn and walk away, with a horse you can always just get off, or just go back to a walk, give them a loose rein and walk out. Sometimes in our lives we're told that if we walk away from an argument we're weak, or the "loser" or you always have to win, or you always have to stand up for yourself. It's not true. As soon as you're in a situation where your emotions are influencing you more than your mind you've lost control. You've lost. You might win the argument, you might fight the horse and win but you've lost control of yourself. To me that's far worse than losing to anyone else.

So to start with whenever I felt myself getting really angry or frustrated or my emotion was taking over I'd leave. I'd go out for a walk, sometimes in the middle of the night or whenever and just chill out. Lock myself in my room, have a shower, whatever. The more I did that the easier it was. I had a choice still - either give control to my emotions or choose not to and walk away. I guess I learned that I was letting whatever was happening around me influence me inside, it was my choice, I could always choose something different. 

Once I'd established that in my mind I didn't have to leave, if I was in an argument I'd let my emotions grow to a certain point, then I'd either choose to leave or stay, and if I chose to stay I just shut it all down as if I'd walked away. Or on a horse and I was getting frustrated I'd just "let it all go". 

Now if I'm in an argument and they're getting angry, I'll get angry to a point and then shut it down, and the other person will make a complete fool of themselves. If I'm impatient waiting in line for hours I'll get to a point then I'll just accept it and shut it all down. 

The other day trying to load a horse someone remarked on how patient I was, where as other people were getting frustrated. I was really happy with that because it's taken me so long to get to a stage where I never get really angry or anything. I'm no zen person, most of the time I am a touchy, over sensitive person but while I might get annoyed or whatever it never overwhelms me to the point I say or do things I'll regret. 

So I guess my advice to you is to think about your reactions to things, like being disappointed, or whatever, and work out if you feel out of control with it. If so, find something that works for you. Stick at it and stick at it all the time until you've worked it out. Human's are a like horses, you can't just change something sometimes and expect it to stick  Change takes time and work, there are quick fixes.

Just my long winded opinion, take from it what you will. Don't beat yourself up, you can't change the past only the future.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your responses--I would respond to each individually, but it is 11:30 here.

I will openly admit that I am very angry person. Angry at teachers, school, parents, friends, grades.. Just angry at everything. My horses are the one thing that I'm not usually mad at, and they are my escape. But after I treat them like absolute crap, I'm back at being angry again. It's a vicious cycle for me. Today as soon as I got home, I finished chores right away just so I would have time to ride. I love being around my horses and spending time with them. I really want to get away from this.

I'll continue on with this tomorrow--currently my head is pounding and all I want to do is sleep.


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## PaintedFury (Aug 18, 2010)

KylieHuitema said:


> I will openly admit that I am very angry person. Angry at teachers, school, parents, friends, grades.. Just angry at everything.


This tells me that you need help with something other than your riding skills. You need to seek professional help for your anger issues, it is not normal to be angry all of the time and at everybody. I hope you get the help that you need, and it is totally possible that you will find someone, maybe not even a professional, to talk to about your anger. If I may be so bold as to ask, why are you so angry? If you do not want to respond to this on this thread, you can PM me or totally ignore the question. Whether you answer me, or simply answer the question to yourself, it needs to be brought to light so you can learn to manage/control it. When you lose your temper, you lose everything; not just your temper, especially where horses are concerned.

As for your question as to how to stop your hard hands, quit doing it. I know that sounds simple, but the right answer usually is. As for expecting a perfect ride, show season is over, don't plan your rides just enjoy them. As far as I plan a ride is planning on going to the barn and riding. There is no forethought to it. I just plan to ride. If I work on barrels great, if I just plod down a trail great. And just so you know perfection is an illusion, there is no such thing, accept it. Enjoy your horses, especially since they seem to be your one thing that you aren't angry at, all of the time.

Good luck, I hope you find some peace. God bless you.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

I've made heavy-handed riders ride with fishing line for reins. A friend attached wire to short pieces of leather for reins for a couple kids he let come stay on the ranch who would jerk on a horse. 

The theory, of course, is if it's uncomfortable for the rider they'll stop. It's worked for some. 

The other option is to address the underlying issue. That would be the best thing for your whole life. 

I used to be an angry person. I can hardly believe it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldhorselady (Feb 7, 2012)

Sky, that is an excellent idea about grabbing mane! I am going to try that when I get scared about something on the trail and not get in the horse's mouth....well, unless I'm riding Belle that has a roached mane....lol.


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## thetempest89 (Aug 18, 2013)

I'm an angry person and I get really worked up. My temper is really bad, some days I would just love to beat the crap out of something.

However, horses are NOT my normal day to day thing. I don't bring anything to the barn with me. I don't care if I suck, I am not going to stress about it. Horses ARE my relaxation. You really need to be in the moment, and stop yourself. Your problems is not your horses problem. You need to stop, take a breath, and push it back down. 

Once you're away from the horse, deal with your problems. That type of anger needs to be dealt with.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

PaintedFury said:


> This tells me that you need help with something other than your riding skills. You need to seek professional help for your anger issues, it is not normal to be angry all of the time and at everybody. I hope you get the help that you need, and it is totally possible that you will find someone, maybe not even a professional, to talk to about your anger. If I may be so bold as to ask, why are you so angry? If you do not want to respond to this on this thread, you can PM me or totally ignore the question. Whether you answer me, or simply answer the question to yourself, it needs to be brought to light so you can learn to manage/control it. When you lose your temper, you lose everything; not just your temper, especially where horses are concerned.
> 
> As for your question as to how to stop your hard hands, quit doing it. I know that sounds simple, but the right answer usually is. As for expecting a perfect ride, show season is over, don't plan your rides just enjoy them. As far as I plan a ride is planning on going to the barn and riding. There is no forethought to it. I just plan to ride. If I work on barrels great, if I just plod down a trail great. And just so you know perfection is an illusion, there is no such thing, accept it. Enjoy your horses, especially since they seem to be your one thing that you aren't angry at, all of the time.
> 
> Good luck, I hope you find some peace. God bless you.



I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.

Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.

It may be hard to believe, but usually I am the calmest person. I'm not someone that throws my anger out at people, usually I just keep it inside until I have a chance to lay in my bed and just let it out. I used to sit next to a creek for hours and just watch the water, and wait for one of the muskrats to swim by. I used to love art and just sit and doodle. But now I'm a stressed out, angry person. And I'm angry about that too. 

Sorry that I just a major case of word diarrhea. I was half venting.


I am going to change. I'm promising myself that. As soon as I get home today, I'm going to finish chores up and ride. Just ride around the field, maybe down the road and enjoy myself. That's my goal. My farrier once told my that running helped her with her anger through a divorce. When she felt like getting in her car and driving to kill her husband, she would just run instead. I'm going to try that too.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. 

How about meeting with your school counselor? Even just having someone in person to vent to can take a load off your shoulders. That's what the school counselors are there for.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

boots said:


> I've made heavy-handed riders ride with fishing line for reins. A friend attached wire to short pieces of leather for reins for a couple kids he let come stay on the ranch who would jerk on a horse.
> 
> The theory, of course, is if it's uncomfortable for the rider they'll stop. It's worked for some.
> 
> ...


I might have to try that. Sounds like I good idea


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

beau159 said:


> It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.
> 
> How about meeting with your school counselor? Even just having someone in person to vent to can take a load off your shoulders. That's what the school counselors are there for.


I honestly wouldn't say anything to the counselors here. We have 2 and they are made for only discussing class changes or plans for next year.. I don't know if we ever had an actual "go to talk to" counselor. If I brought up half of how I felt, they would call my parents, and I don't really want my parents involved anymore than they already are. I've told my mom that it feels like whenever she talks to me, its only to tell me what I'm doing wrong, and she just rolls her eyes and says whatever. I would actually like to go to a psychologist, but they are so dang expensive.


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## Yooper (Oct 12, 2013)

I don't have much advise other than to find what makes you happy, and do it everyday. You really do need time to get away from it all, to clear your mind of all that bothers you and think of nothing that troubles you.

Maybe try and make time with your horse your happy time. If you are too stressed to ride, don't ride. Maybe put a halter on and take a walk with your horse. Or give him a super in depth grooming. Repetitive motion, like that of a brush or curry comb, can actually be quite relaxing. 

Because I don't have a horse (just taking lessons), my personal happy place is with my goats. If I am stressed out, I go spend time with them. I forget everything when I am with them. Usually we go on a walk, I can just open the gate and walk on the trail, and they'll follow me. So we walk, I snuggle and pet on them, it is my happy place. I ignore my cell phone.

When you are incredibly angry and stressed, don't do anything that requires a ton of thought and concentration. That can amplify it. I love your suggestion of just taking a ride. Don't have any goals other than to relax with your horse and let that tension go. It won't help improve things with your family, but it may help you feel less angry when you are with them. 

Being able to vent is important. If you don't have anyone you can vent to in real life, venting here is probably the next best thing. Try not to bottle it up, it makes it worst. I used to be an angry, stressed out teen (I had alopecia (hair loss) and was bullied relentlessly because of it), and I had nobody to vent to. High school was literally years of torture and torment. The only place I could escape it was the library, and I'd spend my lunches there. The kind old librarian would protect me basically, and I had a quiet place to read and be at peace in a safe place. Eventually I became a library aide and spent most of my time in there, as I could do classwork as I worked as an aide. If you have a safe place at your school where your bullies can't torment you, try and use it as much as possible.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

How old are you?

I will be honest, and say I did that same. I had a very tough time between 13-17 and thought the world was against me. Looking back on it, I wish I could give my younger self a good wallop across the face.

I had a school master who was very hard in the mouth, older boy.. but he would soften as we worked. But he was a lazy ***, and I will never forget getting so frustrated, that without warning I spurred and whipped him. And he threw me in the sand. HARD. Was a wake up call. Whenever I felt myself getting frustrated, I got off and cooled down before continuing.

One of two options.

Ride a horse that will headbutt you when you haul it in the face. I expect you will get out of the habit quickly.

Ride without gloves, and with thinner reins. YOU need to feel. This was a brilliant suggestion!

The other option, which worked for me, was to take evening primrose and star flower oil supplements. Hormones race as a teenager, and some cope better than others.. I didn't. But a few weeks after this, I found myself in a MUCH better place.

You need an outlet, other than riding, to let that frustration go.

You also need to be realistic. Jumping last month and going well does not equal a lengthly time later being able to repeat it. 

Be realistic in your aims for riding.


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## aerie (Jul 19, 2010)

Girl! You need to get away from all that negativity, even if it is just hopping on your horse for a do nothing but plod around ride. I have been where you are and have dealt with a lot of the same things. Horses have always been my safe place and when I was younger (not a lot but still in high school) I would sometimes take out my anger when I got in the saddle because that was the only time it felt safe to show my emotions. 

Once I realized this I backed off of riding for a little bit (like a week or two) and gathered my thoughts and came up with a plan of action to help de-stress myself. I started to journal, which got my feelings out on paper even if it was just angrily scribbling on the page before any words flowed from the pen. I also started just hopping on my horse bareback and doing silly things instead of riding super seriously. I still competed, but I made time where neither of us were working super hard but could just goof off and cuddle. I started to take a lot of what my parents had to say with a grain of salt, because at the time they were going through a nasty divorce and everything that came from their mouths was negative. Eventually things settled down and I was able to really start talking to my mom again. I still struggle with school a little bit... I am a senior in college and I will readily admit that I am not sure how to study! But it is just finding the time to do what works best for you when it comes to school and just accepting that as long as you try your best, and you know you gave it everything you got, then there is no shame in a less than perfect grade. Learn from your mistakes, and if you are really struggling talk to your teacher or the really smart person in your class for help! And bullies suck, but just know that they really and honestly are jealous of you and the only way that they can feel better about themselves is to try and bring you down. As hard as it is and as much as words really do hurt, ignore them. Find a safe place, cry into your horse's mane, journal, draw something ridiculous! 

Just find some peace, and if you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

first, I want to say that what you are doing to your horse is totally, absolutely and completely inappropriate.

When something bad happens in a persons life that they don't like(critical parents, abuse, frustration, etc) they always have two choices. 1) learn from it, realize you hate what happened to you and never do it to anyone/thing else, or 2) repeat the bad thing you didn't like(example, not applicable to you: an abused boy growing up to abuse his own kids). In your case, you feel your parents are overly negative and critical of you, while not seeing the positives, or commending your efforts. 

Is this starting to sound familiar? You are expecting perfection from your horse, not seeing the good effort he is giving you, focusing on the negatives and constantly punishing. You are very effectively doing the thing you are so angry with your parents for, to your horse.

your horse should be your friend, outlet and escape during tough times. You are turning him into your victim, a place to mistreat something the way you feel you are being mistreated.

That you realize you have a problem is commendable. When you start getting angry, get off your horse, go cool down and do some stretches and breathing exercises. Make a determined effort to find the positive, and focus on that. Recognize where your anger is coming from, and banish it from the barn. It might be worth, if possible, writing a letter to your parents when you are calm, explaining why you are so frustrated.


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

Kylie...Priests are free. 
I'm not Catholic but if I were at the end of my tether and didn't know what else to do, I would not be opposed to stopping by the church to ask for help. It may be possible they could direct you to a youth program that could help.
It sounds like you have a stressful situation at home. Keep one other thing in mind...with your mom's condition, your parents are stressed also.
And when you are with your horse and it's not going well just stop everything, breath, force yourself to relax and start over when you have control of yourself. I know you know that your horse is picking up on your tension.
Good luck to you.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

From your first post I read that the problem isn't with your hands but with your lack of patience and temper 
I've told you this before - stop putting so much pressure on yourself - and on your horse. We all have bad days - no point worrying over it and making things worse by over reacting
Setting yourself goals is good but they need to be realistic if you're going to be fair to this young horse
Take a step back and learn to enjoy her so she can learn to trust you and enjoy being ridden
Your horses should be an escape from the pains and stresses of other things in your life - so try to leave them behind when you are with them and you'll feel so much better for it


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## albertaeventer (Feb 5, 2013)

I also think you need to find an outlet for all the negative energy. Some people run or work out, some people read, some need to go have a long bubble bath and a drink, you have to find your outlet. For me, I have *just* discovered hot yoga, and now after a crappy day all I can think about is getting my butt to hot yoga and there's something about laying there sweating my butt off and breathing, I can let everything go and it just centers me. And I never in a million years thought I'd like it, I'd always claimed that yoga was "not my thing." And then I tried it, haha.

Life is full of crap, if you can find a non destructive way to deal with that now, you will be WAY ahead of the game. If you don't find some way to release all this negative energy, it's going to continue to build up and overflow into other parts of your life (horse, etc). It DOES get better though, I promise, high school seems to be particularly brutal for many.

Hang in there though! We're all rooting for you!


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## PaintedFury (Aug 18, 2010)

Do me a favor, start two journals. 

In the first one, everyday list 5 things that you are pleased or happy with. It can be something as simple as your horse greeted you at the barn or you made a better grade on an assignment than you thought you would. Even if it's something that doesn't really mean anything to anyone else, only to you. You're looking for perfection and getting upset when you don't get it. There is no such thing as perfect where life is concerned. You have to start looking for things to be happy about. It is easy to be angry at the world, trust me I know. It is hard to be happy especially if you have been angry for very long at all. But you have to start somewhere. And finding things that made you happy during your day is a good start.

In the second one, vent when you need to vent. It doesn't have to make sense, just get your feelings out. Better out than in. You don't ever have to go back and read it unless you just want to.

Over time and with effort you will change how you view your world, and learn to calm yourself when you start to feel angry. In the mean time, when you start to get frustrated with your horse, immediately get off and don't get back on until you have calmed yourself. Even if it takes walking away from her for a few minutes, make sure that she is in a safe situation and leave her. Return to her once you have regained composure. You can do this, trust me.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

DuffyDuck said:


> How old are you?
> 
> I will be honest, and say I did that same. I had a very tough time between 13-17 and thought the world was against me. Looking back on it, I wish I could give my younger self a good wallop across the face.
> 
> ...



I'm 16, and I would say this has been going on since I was 12 maybe? Just a guess. I wish my horse wasn't such a saint. I deserve to be dumped off, multiple times. I already don't wear gloves and have newer reins so they already blister my hands. 

I just came up with a new idea that I read about before. The forum I got it off of said to hold the reins with the pointer finger and thumb since you can't really get rough like that.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

aerie said:


> Girl! You need to get away from all that negativity, even if it is just hopping on your horse for a do nothing but plod around ride. I have been where you are and have dealt with a lot of the same things. Horses have always been my safe place and when I was younger (not a lot but still in high school) I would sometimes take out my anger when I got in the saddle because that was the only time it felt safe to show my emotions.
> 
> Once I realized this I backed off of riding for a little bit (like a week or two) and gathered my thoughts and came up with a plan of action to help de-stress myself. I started to journal, which got my feelings out on paper even if it was just angrily scribbling on the page before any words flowed from the pen. I also started just hopping on my horse bareback and doing silly things instead of riding super seriously. I still competed, but I made time where neither of us were working super hard but could just goof off and cuddle. I started to take a lot of what my parents had to say with a grain of salt, because at the time they were going through a nasty divorce and everything that came from their mouths was negative. Eventually things settled down and I was able to really start talking to my mom again. I still struggle with school a little bit... I am a senior in college and I will readily admit that I am not sure how to study! But it is just finding the time to do what works best for you when it comes to school and just accepting that as long as you try your best, and you know you gave it everything you got, then there is no shame in a less than perfect grade. Learn from your mistakes, and if you are really struggling talk to your teacher or the really smart person in your class for help! And bullies suck, but just know that they really and honestly are jealous of you and the only way that they can feel better about themselves is to try and bring you down. As hard as it is and as much as words really do hurt, ignore them. Find a safe place, cry into your horse's mane, journal, draw something ridiculous!
> 
> Just find some peace, and if you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me



I'm going to start riding again, I used to work on a fictional story that had parts of my life in it, and it helped a lot. Writing always helps me.

I actually don't compete that much anymore since I thought that contributed to a lot of my hard handedness. Winning used to be my main concern, and once I cut that out, everything was fine. I competed in September and I did it for pure fun and I had a great time. I've decided just to just work on simple things for now on. Nothing that will stress me out.

I actually don't know how to study either, so I struggle a lot because of that. I'm working on talking to the smart people, I just lack social skills..bad.

At least I only deal with the bullies 1 hour a day. It could be a whole lot worse


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

BlueSpark said:


> first, I want to say that what you are doing to your horse is totally, absolutely and completely inappropriate.
> 
> When something bad happens in a persons life that they don't like(critical parents, abuse, frustration, etc) they always have two choices. 1) learn from it, realize you hate what happened to you and never do it to anyone/thing else, or 2) repeat the bad thing you didn't like(example, not applicable to you: an abused boy growing up to abuse his own kids). In your case, you feel your parents are overly negative and critical of you, while not seeing the positives, or commending your efforts.
> 
> ...



All of this is extremely helpful. I would make my response broader, but my eyes are already watering and I don't feel like crying during school-I will expand my response more later.

This response, was really eye opening


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

> hold the reins with the pointer finger and thumb since you can't really get rough like that.


just replace them with some heavy fishing wire, very thin cord or even binder twine. you'll learn not to quickly. but the heavy hands are not the problem. your unrealistic expectations and anger problems are. Deal with those and the heavy hands problem will disappear. Don't deal with them and you will find other ways to punish your horse.

Being a teenager sucks. I can sympathize.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.

Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.

You don't need a horse if this is how you are going to treat him.

There are therapists out there, counselors, or ministers. Go find one.

And if it bothers you being nagged about things? Then DO THEM. If your room is a mess clean it up. If you are being asked to do something? DO IT. The fact that all of the adults in your life, by your telling, are all on you at the same time says that this is something you are causing more than them just waking up and deciding to gripe at you.

And I think it is telling that you are not so mad that you are punching a concrete wall in your "anger" which tells me you don't want to hurt yourself, but you darn sure don't mind hurting an innocent creature that you are ripping in the mouth.

Shame on you. 

You need to grow up, ask for help and quit abusing your horse.
You need some help I think.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

Palomine said:


> While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.
> 
> Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.
> 
> ...


Saucer of milk?


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## SaddleUp158 (Dec 26, 2008)

Palomine said:


> While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.
> 
> Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.
> 
> ...


This is a little harsh. OP, you have received some wonderful advice already. Feel free to PM me or any of the others who have already offered to be a listening ear. Let your horse time be comfort time even if that is just sitting in the stall reading a book or listening to music with your buddy. Decompress and if you think it would help, maybe talk with your school counselor. They are there for a reason and can be a wonderful lifeline if you open up the line of communication. I had a time in middle school when a kid started picking on me and honestly just talking to the counselor helped, she ended the problem immediately and honestly, until I left that school she was a friend that I knew I could go to for anything. 

I remember high school and college, and honestly am glad I am done with all that drama, but if you need a listening ear shoot me a PM. You can and will get through this!


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

Palomine, were you ever a teenager? Or maybe those years were filled with rainbows and roses for you? I hated being a teenager, it sucked in so many ways. The OP is not reacting to things in her environment very well, and obviously is realizing this, as she posted asking for help.


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## JustDressageIt (Oct 4, 2007)

It is a good thing that you self-identified this problem, and that you want to fix it. 

That's really the only good thing I can say, I'm sorry. You need to get your anger under control, and until then I think it may be a good idea to not ride. If you do ride, I suggest that you be super duper amazingly aware and the instant you feel that you're starting to get angry, GET OFF. Cool him out by walking him out on foot, and put him away. 

Ripping a horse's face off because he isn't being perfect is NOT OKAY. EVER. 

Imagine you're in a country where you don't speak the language, and you've learned everything you know from people communicating by vague signals. If you get it wrong, you get beaten. How would that affect your work ethic? What would you do? How would you respond? 

If you feel you cannot control your anger, DO NOT RIDE. Period. At all. Not even with a halter. Groom your horse, then put him away. 

We all have frustrating rides, that's part of our sport. The thing is, you have to realize exactly what our sport involves. We all have moments we aren't proud of - but those moments should be very few and extremely far apart. 

If you cannot stop yourself from acting out on your horse, perhaps it's time to take a break until you find some coping skills.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

KylieHuitema said:


> I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.
> 
> Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.
> 
> ...


You poor girl! I remember what being sixteen like and it was awful. I remember feeling that the world and my place in it was so messed up that it would never be okay. That I was being attacked from all sides and backed into a corner and didn't know the way out. Most people have a pretty rough time when they're a teenager. Things change, I know it feels like it never will, and I'm not going to say that you grow up and everything is good and perfect and you never feel this way again because that's a lie, but things do change. They do get "better" or at least you get better at dealing with them. 

I know it sounds strange but all these things bothering you, the only power they have over you is what you give them. Their words are just words no different to the ones you read in books or hear on TV - the power they have over you is what you give them and at a certain point you have to step back and say no, you won't let their words control you. Realise that whatever anybody says isn't just their reaction to you and your behaviour - but also everything else that is going on in their lives. Parents get scared, angry, insecure and just because they're parents doesn't mean they deal with it any better than you do. Just like you transfer frustrations to your horse your parents, teachers, friends - whatever - transfer it to you. You can't go through like taking on board everything everyone says, thinks or feels about you. 

When I was in school, things got bad at home, at school, with friends and when I wasn't much old than you I dropped out, sold my horse and left home because I felt that as a failure I could never stay there - I thought things were as bad as they could get. I got a job and took care of myself even though I wasn't much more than a kid. And you know what? It wasn't the end of the world. Everything worked out in the end, I went to university, graduated, bought horses, traveled some of the world. 

You'll never be able to control what others do, you can only control your actions, your thoughts, your feelings. You can control how you respond to things, and it's completely your choice. You can choose to study or not, you can choose to take on board everything your parents say or you can filter it. Whatever you do, right or wrong, it's your choice.

Sometimes the best thing to do is look at what people want, like your parents. They want good grades, they want chores. Well write down what you need to do (just for yourself). Do them before they complain, get into a routine that is your routine - what works for you. Sit in your room and study when you can, you don't have to have confrontation as part of your life. When they complain, yell or nag just let them, be silent, listen to what they say then let it go. Acknowledge what they say and move on, they can't argue with someone who won't argue.

And if you need someone to ask about your day, someone to talk to you, you can always come on here. Others have said you can PM them anytime - and same with me, you can PM me (or us) anytime and we'll ask how your day was 

With the horse, you're right with a lot of stuff, go back to fun, easy riding, let go of his mouth and just try and stay present and not get angry.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

Palomine said:


> While you may have a crappy life, or think you do? That is not your horse's fault. And abusing him because you are in a bad mood is abuse. Nothing more.
> 
> Doesn't bode well for any future children or pets you might have either, or anyone that is dependent on your mood.
> 
> ...



Don't you dare tell me what is and isn't wrong with me. I came here SEEKING HELP clearly.

And not punching a concrete wall? I was kicking the fence yesterday and punching it. DO NOT tell me what I did or didn't do. 

I DO do what I am told. The minute after my mom left my room, I picked it up slightly, and the next day I cleaned everything and vacuumed. 

People like you are the reason I get so freaking frustrated with life. I was looking forward to getting back on here and telling of my progress with my horse today as I had an amazing ride, but you down right ruined it. So SHAME ON YOU.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

JustDressageIt said:


> It is a good thing that you self-identified this problem, and that you want to fix it.
> 
> That's really the only good thing I can say, I'm sorry. You need to get your anger under control, and until then I think it may be a good idea to not ride. If you do ride, I suggest that you be super duper amazingly aware and the instant you feel that you're starting to get angry, GET OFF. Cool him out by walking him out on foot, and put him away.
> 
> ...



I'm really working on it now. I am so mad at myself. Just telling everyone on here and letting all of my anger out helped so much. I rode him today bareback and with a neck rope, and it was the best ride I've had in a while. I actually had fun. I wish I could go back in time and kick myself for what I've been doing. I always look down upon others that do it, but when I do it myself, it was okay, when it's not.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

Saskia said:


> You poor girl! I remember what being sixteen like and it was awful. I remember feeling that the world and my place in it was so messed up that it would never be okay. That I was being attacked from all sides and backed into a corner and didn't know the way out. Most people have a pretty rough time when they're a teenager. Things change, I know it feels like it never will, and I'm not going to say that you grow up and everything is good and perfect and you never feel this way again because that's a lie, but things do change. They do get "better" or at least you get better at dealing with them.
> 
> I know it sounds strange but all these things bothering you, the only power they have over you is what you give them. Their words are just words no different to the ones you read in books or hear on TV - the power they have over you is what you give them and at a certain point you have to step back and say no, you won't let their words control you. Realise that whatever anybody says isn't just their reaction to you and your behaviour - but also everything else that is going on in their lives. Parents get scared, angry, insecure and just because they're parents doesn't mean they deal with it any better than you do. Just like you transfer frustrations to your horse your parents, teachers, friends - whatever - transfer it to you. You can't go through like taking on board everything everyone says, thinks or feels about you.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this amazing response, it is really helping. I'm trying to deal with everything, I really am. I let go of what the bullies said and everything. Even one that came up to me last week and basically made a discrete joke about my past, well the next day I acted friendly to him. Killing it with kindness. I feel so much better today. Sure I got a less than perfect grade on a test today, but there will always be another test. There will always be another day to improve upon. I'm just taking it one step at a time now


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## NBEventer (Sep 15, 2012)

You need help. Plain and simple. Look for teen support groups in your area. Check into anger management classes. A lot of schools offer them. 

As for the riding. You need to be taken back to basics. By basics I mean back on the lunge line and your reins taken away and forced to do transitions with your seat only. You have no reins to hold onto and your hands are completely removed as an aid. I make my students stick their arms out to the side and do transitions using only their seat. It works wonders.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

I would like to thank everyone for all of their support and advice. It's all really helping and today I ended up working 2 of my horses. One was stupid and decided to be dumb lunging, and ended up breaking a gate open and running back to the barn. I ran after him, grabbed him and headed to my neighbors round pen and made him work. By the end of it, I was tired and calmed down.

Afterwards I got on my boy, just with a neckrope and nothing else. I just walked, trotted, stopped and backed. It was so fun, and that's what all of my riding should be about. It was a blast for me. 

I actually stumbled upon a blog today called badeventer.blogspot and looked at some of her pictures where her horse was at full stupid mode, and she still had a smile on her face. I want to be like that, and I used to be. That's what I want to work towards. Smiling and having a good time no matter what. I even looked back at some of my old pictures where my horse is going over a jump and I'm smiling; and those were the times where he would be galloping out of control. I'm really really trying to get where I used to be, and then work from there.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

KylieHuitema said:


> I'm mad because my parents make it seem like I do everything wrong. It seems like my mom has only been talking to me lately if she is complaining. Why is your room so dirty? Why didn't you take care of your laundry yet? Why do you have a box of cheezits in your room? It's never, how was your day? My stepdad labels me as the terrible stepdaughter. He regularly threatens to kick me out of the house because I am so bad, even though I'm home every single night doing my homework, eating dinner with them, etc. I can never live up to his expectations. My dad constantly rags on me about my grades, even though I am still managing a good GPA. If I don't have a 4.0, he acts like I won't make it into college or have a fulfulling life. I am struggling in school and trying to learn what I don't get. I am trying so hard, but it seems like I'm just continuing to sink. Just yesterday I was taking a test that I didn't understand, and I was so mad. So mad I didn't understand anything. I scribbled some answers down, hurried to the bathroom and just sat there, wiping my eyes, thinking of how the heck I will explain the bad grade to my parents. I'm angry that my mom, that out of the 8 billion people in the world has a medical illness where she has to get her head cut open in 3 weeks. I'm mad at the doctor for saying "we are aiming to have you 83% normal afterwards. Seriously? 83%? Show me the math. I'm mad at my stepdad for being, basically verbally abusive towards my mom. I'm mad at the people who continuosly bully me in school.
> 
> Maybe all I want is a break from people constantly ragging on me. A break from all of the bad luck, all of the negativity. I know people have it worse off than me. I realize that. But I just want 5 minutes where I don't have to deal with everything.
> 
> ...


Well I know exactly how you feel, and I had exactly the same reaction when I felt that way. I used to be an *** to this Haflinger I rode because she would just get under my skin and I was way stressed out and took it out on her. It was wrong, and now I couldn't dream of doing that to a horse. I was immature and completely abusive.

However, the way I changed was I saw she was only trying to do her best. I wasn't clear to her. I started to be more easy going on myself, didn't let what my parents said or did get to me. Once I started to be easier on myself and my parents... I became easier on my horse. 

Ask yourself what you gain by lashing out. If you are going to lash out, help put away hay bales or scrub water buckets. Do something productive. Then treat riding as a gentle break from life.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

My dear child, you have a lot to contend with at the moment. I can understand why you are angry all the time.

At the moment you are also worried silly over your Mother's forthcoming operation, and your stepfather is probably the same. Your Mum must be scared stiff, I know I would be, so, all are at each other's throats.

Animals are forgiving, you know what you did was wrong and have been given some good advice, so when you feel that red mist coming down, stop,what you are doing and either go for a walk on the horse or just get off and chill out by taking him for a walk and chill out together.

Anyone who is human and has had experience with animals will be able to look back and think, "heck, how did that animal ever suffer me?" I doubt there are many who can truthfully say that there was not a time when they were unfair to an animal that they truly loved either because of a bad mood or ignorance.


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## Shoebox (Apr 18, 2012)

Clementine is sometimes very successful with irking me to the point of anger. The things I know she knows how to do SUDDENLY are apparently incredibly confusing. WHAT? You want me to BACK UP? I have no idea how to do that!

And to be completely honest it does make me want to take it out on her. 'I KNOW you know how to do this, you dumb animal' type thinking. So instead I just flat out drop my reins. I sit there and just... Breathe. Just sit with her, calm down, tell her she's a good girl and we'll try some more. And actually, once I stop tensing up and get my head under control she's more responsive to me. My body language is affecting her, and if I get worked up and upset she's going to be too.

You've gotten some great advice here and I'm so glad you're working to fix it. Like others have said, it's not okay to punish your horse for something that isn't her fault. But yo recognize this, and that's a major step forward. I think it might help you, actually, to start a member journal and record your progress. Or even a private journal. Like another member said, start it out with a few things that made the day good, whatever it may be - and then vent, if you need to. Keep track of your progress. It'll be nice for you to see how far you're coming.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

Shoebox said:


> Clementine is sometimes very successful with irking me to the point of anger. The things I know she knows how to do SUDDENLY are apparently incredibly confusing. WHAT? You want me to BACK UP? I have no idea how to do that!
> 
> And to be completely honest it does make me want to take it out on her. 'I KNOW you know how to do this, you dumb animal' type thinking. So instead I just flat out drop my reins. I sit there and just... Breathe. Just sit with her, calm down, tell her she's a good girl and we'll try some more. And actually, once I stop tensing up and get my head under control she's more responsive to me. My body language is affecting her, and if I get worked up and upset she's going to be too.
> 
> You've gotten some great advice here and I'm so glad you're working to fix it. Like others have said, it's not okay to punish your horse for something that isn't her fault. But yo recognize this, and that's a major step forward. I think it might help you, actually, to start a member journal and record your progress. Or even a private journal. Like another member said, start it out with a few things that made the day good, whatever it may be - and then vent, if you need to. Keep track of your progress. It'll be nice for you to see how far you're coming.


When I got mad today, I just stopped and took a breath and tried again. It worked wonders just to use patience. I am definitely starting a journal for my venting and to track the progress of my horse, bad and good things. I'm sure the good list will be much longer than the bad, he is such a great horse and he is not being treated right at all. I do need to give him some credit just for trying to do what I ask, even though it's not always right.


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## aLwAyS eQuEsTrIaN (Oct 31, 2013)

Don't be so hard on yourself!! I'm sure we've all done this at some point in our lives!!

First of all, relax, don't get high expectations, just start with a bit of flatwork, relax your wrists, let them droop slightly, think of fluffy unicorns!! Smiling always helps (me, personally) you to relax, and I have found that when I smile my hard hands disappear!! When you're jumping, sit nice and relaxed in the saddle, aim for the middle, if your horse refuses, don't tug him really hard in the mouth, growl at him if you must!! If you pull at your horses mouth a lot when jumping, he'll learn to fear it!

I'm no expert, but when in doubt ask someone experienced like a trainer/riding instructor, take your horse to a private lesson even someday and explain your problem, you'll be sorted in no time!!x


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## NBEventer (Sep 15, 2012)

She does have anger issues. This is the problem. She has flat out said she does this frequently whenever she has a bad ride. 

Also I think its safe to say that not everyone has done this to their horse at one point or another. If I even once took my anger out on my horse I would be giving my horse away because I wouldn't deserve her. Anyone who takes their anger out on a helpless animal needs anger management help asap.


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## aLwAyS eQuEsTrIaN (Oct 31, 2013)

NBEventer said:


> She does have anger issues. This is the problem. She has flat out said she does this frequently whenever she has a bad ride.
> 
> Also I think its safe to say that not everyone has done this to their horse at one point or another. If I even once took my anger out on my horse I would be giving my horse away because I wouldn't deserve her. Anyone who takes their anger out on a helpless animal needs anger management help asap.


I didn't mean that we've all abused our horse!! But admit it, we all get a little mad sometimes, and some people just handle it in different ways!! Yes she may need help, but seriously, I think she's realised now. Lay off.


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## NBEventer (Sep 15, 2012)

The fact is, the OP is abusing her horse. If someone beat their horse with a baseball bat would you tell them its okay? Its on the same level. She is ripping her horses mouth. Just because she had one good ride after MULTIPLE abusive rides doesn't mean she is magically "cured".

I hope the OP does in fact realize she has a serious problem and that she is getting help to stop this. Because this is behavior that can and likely will escalate if its not stopped now.


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## demonwolfmoon (Oct 31, 2011)

NBEventer said:


> She does have anger issues. This is the problem. She has flat out said she does this frequently whenever she has a bad ride.
> 
> Also I think its safe to say that not everyone has done this to their horse at one point or another. If I even once took my anger out on my horse I would be giving my horse away because I wouldn't deserve her. Anyone who takes their anger out on a helpless animal needs anger management help asap.


I have MH issues, and Im unmedicated and not in therapy. Oh and like many it came forth in my teens. *I have never abused my horses.*

I keep any need to abuse to myself. I may pierce, get tattoos or less acceptable things, but I will NOT take my issues out on my kids, or my pets. They flat out dont deserve it...

OP....you need to talk to a pro. Try a school counselor. They can direct you right, moreso than some random non professionals on the internet. You have no idea how lucky you are to have these resources, yes, even us randos....for support. A real therapist may be able to help you CONTINUE on a path to not feel the way you do, and provide guidance and support.


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## aLwAyS eQuEsTrIaN (Oct 31, 2013)

NBEventer said:


> Just because she had one good ride after MULTIPLE abusive rides doesn't mean she is magically "cured".


No, it doesn't mean she is 'cured' it means that this could be her road to recovery. I'm not saying that it will be. But we weren't there, we can't really say anything.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

Again, I was going to come with a good update and well, you all ruined it. I'm done trying. Now whenever I come onto this forum, I end up crying, even more stressed than before. Thanks to all that actually were helping.


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## aLwAyS eQuEsTrIaN (Oct 31, 2013)

I'm sorry Can we hear that update?


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## TheAQHAGirl (Aug 10, 2012)

OP, with things like this you can either take in all of criticism and learn from it or you can ignore it and have this constantly repeat. I'm sure that's not what you want. 

My advice would be to do what a lot of people on here are saying. That is to possibly get some help with your anger. No shame in that. You're already on your way to helping yourself now that you have identified the problem. 

As for your horse, maybe take a break. Just ride and enjoy that you HAVE a horse and that you HAVE a mom and dad. Yes, it can suck at time BELIEVE me. I'm 17 and I have many of those moments that you are facing. I find that when I start to get angry with things around me and I know that it may get in the way of my riding, I just brush my horse. Your horse is supposed to be a happy place, something you can get away from and be happy. You don't have to ride to be around a horse. I think that's what you need to do. You just need to stop riding for a bit, collect your thoughts and take a deep breath. As for getting heavy-handed I reallly like the idea for thin, fish wire. That will break a habit like being heavy handed easily.

Best of luck.

And I really suggest not leaving the HorseForum. This is a great place to learn. You're always going to encounter people who have strong opinions, no doubt about that. Whether its on the internet or not. Hope you stay.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

The underrated attitude about being hard handed really gets to me. Riding with hard hands is not okay. It's harmful to the horse and unnecessary. A lot of people see it as "okay" and allow it to go on. I'd say it's as harmful as manhandling a horse because how can they escape from it? It's in their mouths.

The OP has been illuminated to this fact, and understands its seriousness which is why she asked for no one to hold back in the initial posting. But... there's a saying... be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes it's way more than you bargained for.


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## GreySorrel (Mar 5, 2012)

I have had a hard life growing up....many of us have. But when I rode, I felt and knew how fortunate I was to have a horse, to be able to ride, to know that they trust me and I them, they were my partner and I would NEVER take out my anger on them. My dad taught me that when you feel yourself loosing that patience and control, stop and walk away. My life right now makes yours look like a walk in the park, yet my most favorite time is being at the barn where I work and around my own barn and 4 horses. 

Today, I ride one of the horses where I work at, a fox hunter/jumper and the owners are very particular who they let ride, they have come out to watch me on him. One thing, I pride myself on my patience with horses, on my seat and in particularly, my hands. How would you feel if someone grabbed you all the time? You say you are bullied and hate it. Guess what, your being a bully to your horse. They are very sensitive creatures and yes, over time, they will remember what your doing and you will loose that trust you had with them.....do you want that? 

Two more years and you can get the heck out of your house and go on your own, since it is so bad. There is always 3 sides to a story, your side, your parents side, and the truth. I am not here to pat you on the head and coddle you, as your a young adult and need to act like one. If I EVER caught my daughter, or my son, acting and treating my horse or any horse in the manner you described, I would snatch them off and they wouldn't be sitting for a week, much less ever do it again when I got done with either one of them.


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## NBEventer (Sep 15, 2012)

GreySorrel said:


> I have had a hard life growing up....many of us have. But when I rode, I felt and knew how fortunate I was to have a horse, to be able to ride, to know that they trust me and I them, they were my partner and I would NEVER take out my anger on them.


Exactly. 

I had a nasty childhood. One my mother still apologizes to me for every single day because she feels horrible for making me live through it. 

I had anger issues, depression and anxiety issues and serious trust issues. Not once did I ever take my feelings out on an animal or a person.

Now I know everyone handles their feelings differently. Not everyone can internalize it like I chose to. Not everyone can control their emotions and only take it out in writing or music. Everyone has their own way. But never at any point is it okay to take it out on another living being. When you get to that point you DO need to seek help. Professional help. Like I said a lot of schools offer anger management classes. Which I think the OP should look into. Or even teen support groups. There is help out there if she wants to find it.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

If you let your anger cause you to jerk the horse's mouth, then he is going to get angry and behave poorly. It is just plain bad riding.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

Here is among my last updates.

Tonight I came home as quick as possible to get time to ride my boy. It's been pouring rain but it didn't stop me. He got saddled and bridled and I got on. Before I even got to the arena, I was chilled to the bone. Oh well. I got to warm him up, walk and stop and trot and stop, just transitions. Our arena was extremely mucky, oh well. I had a free jump line set up for a different horse, so I decided to just try going over it once. I felt him raise up and lock onto it, but he kept a solid, calm trot. He jumped, and I gave him the biggest crest release to date. He jumped the next, and we stopped. He got loved on, I was so happy. I asked for his bad lead cantering, and he picked it right up. He is always really rushy while cantering, and he was tonight, but I just shifted my weight back, telling him easy. He slowed way down, and even it was just for a half circle, we stopped and I was extremely happy. We began walking back to the barn and I did walk to stop transitions just by my seat. I'm extremely happy with the ride we had.

And I did thinking afterwards. I usually live by forgive and forget. Thing is, I can forgive myself but I will never be able to forget. I'm learning from these past mistakes. My old riding buddy used to stop me, mid abuse and talk me down and help me and my horse improve from where we were. That was 3 years ago. Just a few months ago she came back from a trainer's barn and told me a story of the trainer and her making a horse's mouth bleed, and said that "she had it coming". That could be me in a few months if I don't put a stop to this. I don't want to be known as the person on the circuit that abuses their horse. That's just not me.

I came here seeking advice, and that's what I'm getting. Some of it is not what I want to hear, but a lot of it is. I appreciate everyone that is trying to help. I'm sorry for some of the hostility I have bestowed upon some of you, I know you were in the best interest of my horse, as I am too. I know this is not a mental health forum, but I'm trying to seek help, heal and move on. I can't even begin to explain how stressful it is going through everyday wondering what the next day will hold for me, if I will get the same call I did a year ago, saying my mom was in the hospital. I know none of this will make up for my actions, or excuse them, but I am truly trying. I've never been so set on changing, mostly because I have support behind me. 

I might as well wrap up with 5 good things of the day:
1. I made the robotics team for school.
2. I fit into a group of people for one of the first times this year in school.
3. I had a great ride on my horse today.
4. The weather was my favorite, rain.
5. I realized my stepdad does care, even if he is a butt most of the time.

1 bad thing:
I didn't realize the changes I could make in my life so easily until now. I listened to a guy talk about how robotics helped him open up to people and realize the world isn't as bad as it seems. I feel like I finally have a group of people around me that are willing to listen and help. I feel like it's going to get better here on out, as long as I keep trying, and I'm going to.

Thank you all.


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## TheAQHAGirl (Aug 10, 2012)

DON'T FORGET. If you forget you are always doomed to repeat the past.

Glad to hear that you're doing better.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

If I ever get to whining about being middle aged, I shall have to think about how hard it can be to be young.

Here's a good and simple mantra for you: *"This, too, shall pass". *just say it inside yourself when things are really just about ready to make the bomb inside go off.

the hard things, AND the good things, pass away. Have faith. They always have, and they always will.


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## Ninamebo (May 25, 2013)

OP, to directly quote one of your signatures: it will all be right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not the end. 

Good luck and Godspeed. You have a great splash of people who are there to help you through it.


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## Shoebox (Apr 18, 2012)

GreySorrel said:


> What she is doing is abusive....


Yeah. Every single person posting here is well aware of that. Including OP. It's been brought up, mentioned, acknowledged many times. That's why she's here. She's getting advice on how to fix her behavior because she's well aware it's not okay. 

Good luck, OP. I wish you the best, and don't stop moving forward. I wish you would stick around, I'd love to hear your progress, but if you don't, know that lots of us support you. Not in your hard handedness but in you realizing it's a problem and seeking help. I would also advise outside help - a therapist, or even just a trusted wise friend. Keep your anger back at home when you go to the barn, and if you get frustrated just get off. 

Good luck.


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## flytobecat (Mar 28, 2010)

Best of luck. I still recommend you talk to someone about what's going on even if it's just a close friend
Two truths have gotten me through some dark times
1. The knowledge that things always change -As Tiny said -this shall pass. No matter what today is like tomorrow is new start.
2 You always have a choice. We can't always control our circumstances, but we can choose how we react to them.
You can choose not to hold your anger in until you explode, and you can choose a safe outlet to express that anger. Some of my best paintings come out of my strongest emotions. I just take a paint brush, let my emotions flow, and attack the canvas. Try different things until you find your outlet
If you don't want to be a person that yanks on her horse's mouth then you don't have to be that person.


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

Kylie, I am late to this, but I feel that you need someone in your life that you can talk to, whenever you need that. I am the only person of my name, on FB, and I email, and text. I am a foster parent of boys your age, so I don't want to put my personal info out there for the kids parents to find. I am more than willing to be that person to help you through it, message me and I will give you my FB, cell and email. 

You should message me over me messaging you, as you need to want to change, and you need to want the help. I am right here Hun, ready to help if I can. 

I've had 30 kids, all like you, and I've had a lot who have gone on to do well. I've had a lot of kids who were abusive to animals, and even killed them as they were so angry. Most (not all, as I am not a magician) are now doing well. 

You have a bunch of things going on, you have your family stuff, but then you have your personalty that is deliberately taking that out on your horse. You already know that's not ok. Talk to me. 

You are being bullied in school - that can be fixed. Your mom isn't getting it - if you let me, when you trust me, and only if you trust me, as you would have to give me the contact info, I can talk to your mom. There's a lot that can be fixed here. 

You don't have to be this way. I am willing to help you, if you will let me.


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

you have a rescue horse too? You need to be in control of yourself when you deal with that (and any horse) no?


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## TaMMa89 (Apr 12, 2008)

Please remember Horseforum.com Rules while answering the thread. Blunt & straight feedback is allowed when being constructive but personal comments etc. aren't.

After some moderating work, I think it's time to put this thread to sleep. Thanks for everyone who answered and gave the OP instructions for it how do deal with her situation.


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