# I'm going for treatment... Bullying. *Slightly long*



## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

This coming weekend I will be going to a psychiatric clinic to help me overcome depression, cutting, and an eating disorder. Let me tell you my story...

I am almost 18, my birthday is in May. I am a Matric (senior) at a private school, where I have been all my life. For close on 12 years I have been bullied, constantly about my speech, as I have a stutter, or my weight. When I was young I was quite heavy, now I weigh 53kgs, but I still have a large stomach which I am now teased for. I don't have many friends, because of my stutter, and I am not cool, so if anyone were to be seen with me it would be just awful for their social ratings. I do not do orals in front of my classmates, because there is constant giggling ans mocking when I do, nor do I answer questions in class or read an answer aloud. This was the best solution my teachers could come up with to help me, and while I am very grateful, it added a new problem... I then got accused of having "special treatment", and that made me even more of an outcast. I became very subdued, and only spoke when spoken to, and tried to answer with the least amount of words as possible.

I was constantly told that I am a liar about everything, and that I was fat and ugly. This was repeated so many times that I eventually began to believe it, so one day I went home, and smashed all the mirrors in my house with my bare hands to avoid looking at myself. I had to have 4 stitches. I felt so ashamed of myself, and took to wearing big baggy clothes to hide myself. I had so much emotion built up inside, but I felt as if I couldn't tell anyone, so as an outlet for that emotional pain, I began to cut myself. Over the years I have made 168 cuts on my left arm, and 36 on my right. This helped in a way; my pain was now something I could feel, and if I could feel it, I could handle it. I was diagnosed with severe depression, and was sent to a psychiatrist for two months. It helped a lot, and I began to get better. But then the bullying would begin again. That was when I started my eating disorders.

I first began starving myself, and was diagnosed with anorexia. I wouldn't eat for days, making up excuses and lying to my mom, telling her that I wasn't hungry or had already eaten. I lost a terrible amount of weight, I went from 74kg to 32kg, and had to be hospitalized. I never fully recovered, but was discharged. From then on out my mom would force me to eat, literally keeping me at the table until all my food was gone, watching me to make sure I ate. But that was when I started making myself throw up. I didn't want to pick up weight, I didn't want to be fat... I was constantly pale and sick. My mom was (and still is) so worried about my frame of mind that she took to restraining me to my bed at night, so that I couldn't harm myself. Some nights even now this is still the case.

All of this has been going on since I was 13. I have been suffering at the hands of bullies, mentally, physically and emotionally for close to 5 years. I still have an eating disorder, I still cut myself, and I am still considered to be depressed. But with the help and support of my friends (what few I have left) and family, I am going into rehab. I have made the decision to better my life. I am going to get help, and I am going to be okay. Doing what I did was not the answer to my problems.

That is my story. And I hope that people realize that their words hurt. Words leave scars, and can really hurt someone. I would know. Bullying is not a joke, it is not a funny activity that you can do with your pals to that person sitting over there. It damages a person. I will never be the same. I weigh 46kg, which is still not as healthy as it should be. I take 7 tablets every day to keep myself calm and okay, and I will always be covered in scars. So to every person going through this, believe me when I say that it is not the answer. Go get help, go to someone you trust, it will be worth it in the end.


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## gigem88 (May 10, 2011)

My heart goes out to you and it is very good that you are doing something for yourself! My prayers will be with you. Keep your family and your horses close.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

LoveStory.. this is a really personal thing to be posting over the internet...are you sure you want to?

However, know that you aren't alone.

And the psychiatric hospital will help.

Why?

Your post is like reading an extract from my own life book. The scars will fade over time, mental and physical ones. In the end, it made me a better person because I know there is no way I could EVER treat another human being the way I was treated.

Keep your head up, and know its not the be all and end all. The people that are doing this will discover they are in the wrong. It may be in 10 years time, it may be on the death bed, but around 80% of the people that broke me down have apologised sincerely over the last 2 and a bit years.

I'm waving the banner here for you, get yourself better, get your head clear and I hope all goes well for you x


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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

Lovestory, you are a brave girl for sharing your story. I've got very close family that has been through what you have, while I've not myself, I certainly understand the anguish that it can cause. Be strong and do what you have to for yourself. You've got my support and prayers!


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## tanya (Mar 30, 2011)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this nobody should have to go through the things you are. It makes me sick that their are kids out their that are that cruel it makes mad at the parents because it is obvious they are not bringing them kids up right. I was also bullied in school because I was shy and kids thought I was "retarted" I still am shy, but no longer affraid to confront someone. Lovestory PLEASE dont let these kids win and remember YOU are the better person. I have never met you and have never seen you, but from your writing on here I can tell you are a kind and beautiful girl. Dont let anyone make you think differently.


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

I think you are terribly brave to have tol your story. Remember that you are just as good as anyone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BaileyJo (Aug 23, 2011)

LoveStory10 said:


> Doing what I did was not the answer to my problems.


This is incredibly insightful. 

I am very happy for you that you are taking this step. At the risk of sounding old.... you have such an amazing life to live and you are just beginning. 

Thanks for sharing your personal story.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you everyone. It's going to take a while before I'm fully healthy again, the doctor wants me to pick up another 6 to 7 kgs before I'll be at a healthier weight.

I know it's very personal, but I am going to get over all of this, even if sometimes while using scissors I get the urge to cut, or feel like purging my dinner. I will be okay. I just hope that my story can help someone else out there that may be going through the same thing.


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## Sunny (Mar 26, 2010)

Girl, you're in the same boat I was in a few years ago, but I never has hospitalized.

I wasn't bullied (except for a few hateful people), but replace that with an alcoholic dad.

My arms are still covered in scars that I'm so ashamed of. I always wear a jacket because when I get cold they glow like light bulbs.

I was bulemic for two years. My teeth show the wear and tear of that.
I have never been big-- not even slightly, which is why everyone that knew thought I was crazy for doing it. But the binge-purge cycle made me feel in control. It was like, "Hey, my dad may never stop drinking, etc, but I can control what goes in my body and what comes out. It's my body, I'm in control." It was a stupid cycle, but it made me feel better....temporarily.

But you're completely right-- none of that helped anything. All it did was make my family and friends scared for my life.

What ended up helping me was meeting someone who loved me unconditionally just the way I was. I met my Tyler (my now-boyfriend of over 3 years), and my problems slowly but surely went away. I'm definitely not saying a man will fix your problems, that's usually the opposite case. :rofl: I'm just saying what helped me was finding someone who loved me for me.

I never have the urge to cut anymore, but the desire to binge-purge can still be pretty strong sometimes. Although I'm happy to say I haven't done it in nearly two years.

So know that you're not alone. Many girls (and boys!) have been in your situation, and they made it. 

I wish you the best, girl. We're all rooting for you.

ETA: This is a commercial that airs in the U.S., and I just love it.


** Working on a link!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kait18 (Oct 11, 2011)

thanks for sharing your story, i know it will help someone.

stay strong and know i have you in my prayers


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you so much everyone... I thought it was about time I shared the story... Anyway, I will keep everyone informed on how my treatment is going.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

I thought I would make this thread my "treatment diary" to keep my head clear and for me to see how I'm improving... No one has to read any of it of course!


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## Sunny (Mar 26, 2010)

Please do! We'd love to read about your progress. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLaPorte432 (Jan 3, 2012)

I think you are absolutely one of the bravest girls that I've ever heard of. To tell your story so openly in hopes of helping other people and getting people to stop bullying is amazing. I think there are a lot more people out there that do hurt themselves, but are too scared to admit it. There are a lot of people that are dealing with depression and eating disorders and I think that your story will provide them the strength to get better.

You are SUCH a beautiful girl. (I totally stalked your horse Love Story and seen your pictures) There is NO reason for you to feel bad about yourself. Young people can be absolutely cruel! And there is no need what-so-ever for it. The only reason why people like them continue to pick on other people is because they are self conscious about something in their life. No one is perfect in this world. And if someone think's they are perfect, well, that's actually their imperfection. ;-)

There are so many ups and downs in life and I'm so sorry that you had to go through everything that you have gone through the past 5 years. You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly. No one ever does. It's often people that misunderstand or don't try to understand someone's situation that are the first people to judge. It's not fair.

I personally have been depressed, on anti-depressants, used to hurt myself and did the whole "not eating" thing. But I figured out that I was hurting the people that cared about me the most. My parents, my animals. I didn't have very close friends so they never knew, but the ones closest to me were able to help me pull through some of my darkest days. Honestly, the main thing that helped me was my dog. He was always there for me, he dried my tears and made me laugh. He was my shining light in my darkest hours.

You look so happy with your horse. I think if you were to put your energy towards getting better for your horse, you'll realize that the people that pick on you and treat you like your a nobody, won't even matter. Hold your head HIGH because you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to live your life to the fullest. Your horse doesn't care what you look like, he doesn't care what you sound like, he doesn't care about anything except for your kindness and your willingness to accept him for who he is and not judge him. That's true love.

You will get better, and you'll look back and probably be ashamed of the way that you treated yourself. But that is why you need to focus on getting better now, because being horrible to yourself for 5 years, in much better then being horrible to yourself for 25 years. The world is in your hands. So take what is being offered and don't look back.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."


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## Hickory67 (Feb 18, 2012)

I'm under care for major depressive disorder myself, so I know at least in part how you feel. My dog and now my horse are two ways I am managing my condition, as the meds will only go so far.

I didn't personally experience the bullying when I was growing up, but my two younger children (ages 10 & 12) have Autism and are at the age when judgment by their peers is beginning to get harsh - so I see it every day. I stress to them, and I offer for your consideration, that the words of others are not actually because of you - they are driven by the speakers' own egos. Don't allow your own mind to define you by their misguided standards.

Depression is painful and it is at least as much - probably more - a symptom of _how_ we think as what we think. There are some readings out there that have helped me with this, and I will share them if you like.


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## PintoTess (Aug 18, 2010)

Oh lovestory! Im so sorry!

Just remember, I am your friend  We maybe on other sides of the world, but I will be here to support you!


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you guys, I'm going for my first evaluation today... I'm going to be spending a few days there so that they can assess my mental health. I know I'm not crazy, but at the same time I know that I am not 10000000% mentally healthy.

Even though I KNOW it's not good for me. I still get the urge to cut, or purge myself after eating. I've been doing it for so long that I feel as if I physically need to do it or I won't be able to function, and even now I still feel like that. My friend came over yesterday and took away all my razors and scissors, and anything else that could be used to harm myself, and my mom prepared me a very light but sustaining meal. Things went okay... I started out fine, but as the night progressed I suddenly got bad. I started shaking and felt really paranoid. I threw up and I ended up smashing my mirror. My hands and face are at the moment scratched up. 

That was when my mom asked for me to go in today. And I want to. If I reacted like that after one night of abstaining, how am I going to handle a lifetime without it?

I am not ashamed to admit this, because I am going to get the help I need, and even with this minor setback, I WILL be okay...

CLaPorte432, thank you for stalking my mare lol  I know she appreciates it, and thank you for the words of encouragement.

Hickory67, I would love to see those readings you mentioned, I think it will help 

And PintoTess, thank you. That really means a lot to me, it really really does!

I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared at the thought of quitting these habits I've had for so long, but I know that I have to stop it for my own health...


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

LoveStory10 said:


> I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am absolutely terrified. I am so scared at the thought of quitting these habits I've had for so long, but I know that I have to stop it for my own health...


Both the self harm and the eating disorder are addictions that are as real as any other addiction. It's going to be scarey, but you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. 

Sending you strength and support.


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## PintoTess (Aug 18, 2010)

Stay strong Girl! <3


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## Maple (Jan 10, 2012)

I'm wishing you all the best, but please be aware that you are not alone. Many many people have to deal with these issue, so please please please don't feel like you are a "bad person" for them. I'm delighted you are getting the help you need, and it will make you a stronger person. 

My mother was a self harmer and suffered from depression and multiple personalities, I'm aware how difficult these things are but I wish you all the best and please look forward to a healthy future for yourself


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## Hickory67 (Feb 18, 2012)

There are two books I highly recommend: "The Power of Now" and "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I would also recommend going to his website. I have read both books several times and each time something new resonates with me - it has literally changed the way I think, and thus has helped me manage in the worst of times.

Tolle is a spiritual teacher - he does not subscribe to a particular religious sect or denomination, but does draw from the major religions in his talks and writings. He comes from a position of understanding, as he was severely depressed and close to suicide at one point in his life.

I won't preach to you - I could write volumes on it - but it was an immense help to me at a very dark time. Still is.


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## VanillaBean (Oct 19, 2008)

Stay strong. Those bullies have no idea what they are taking about. You are gorgeous. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your story made me cry. I am so sorry you have to go through this. You will be able to get through this. 

*hugs* feel better ♥


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## Sunny (Mar 26, 2010)

Here is the video I was talking about and failed at posting. I love it.


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## HorseLovinLady (Jul 18, 2011)

My prayers go out to you, you are very brave!!


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Hickory67, thank you, I will most definitely check those out.

VanillaBean, I'm sorry I made you cry, and thank you so very much.

Sunny, that video is gorgeous, and so inspiring, thank you for sharing it with me.

HorseLovinLady, thank you for your support.

Lately, I have been listening to a lot of music by Demi Lovato, as she went through what I am going through, and she is my ultimate role model right now. Her song "Skyscraper" in particular has been helping me a lot:






Another one is "Fix a heart", but I don't have the video link right now. 

Last night I went for my evaluation, and I am going to rehab for two nights to start off with, and they will see how it goes and if the time needs to be increased. They told me that what I am attempting to do will be very difficult, especially quiting the cutting. I'm very shaky, which I was told is normal, it's my desire to cut, but not being able to do is actually having a negative effect on my body, as I have been doing it for so long. I'm restless and can't sit still, and even though I'm trying really hard, I can't make myself eat. They say that this is also normal.

My therapist got me talking about my hobbies and things I like to do, and he was thrilled when I mentioned my horses, and encouraged me to spend as much time as possible with them, as they will most definetely help me, but I must stay away from the fences and other objects that I may cut myself on (I have done that in the past.) My instructors have been informed, and are going to help me through this too, and keep an eye on me when I am at the barn.

I also mentioned to him I like to do photo edits, and listening to Demi Lovato, so he suggested that I use them both to help me, as an outlet for my emotions, which I have done by putting lyrics of her songs onto photos, which are shared at the bottom of this post. I also told him about this Forum, and the support I am getting, which he is also happy about. He was very surprised but thrilled when I told him how I told my story on here. He said that admitting that I have a problem is the first step to overcoming it, which is true, as I have spent the past years in denial that what I was doing was a problem.

I just want to thank everyone so much for supporting me, and I hope you all continue to do so as time goes on, as I will need it so much. I really appreciate it!

Here are the pics, they all belong to me, If you would like to know what song a lyric is from, I will happily tell you:


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

Love Story, you know we're all here for you...

Reading through this thread, you can see that there are others on this forum that have also been through similair things to yourself, myself included, and I turned out all right in the end - well, I'm slighty mad but don't tell anyone!

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I found the cutting the hardest part to let go. Sometimes I still feel like picking up a pair of scissors and scraping the skin off my arms. But you learn to switch it off and focus on something else- and you have a great network of support around you and the best thing that has happened so far is that you've admitted to yourself that you need help. THAT is the first huge leap you have to make, and you did it!

I'm keeping an eye on you over here 

Keep us updated and big hugs being sent your way x


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## Klassic Superstar (Nov 30, 2009)

Wow, I'm here for ya! Been there, bullied, cutting and eating disorder that I still a and more recently struggle with! Know we are all sending you positive healing thoughts and I am hear if you ever need to vent. 
Your very strong for sharing your story, I recently did the same with my adoption situation, it was hard, traumatic and eneded pretty ugly but I'm slowly getting past it and moving on Asa healthier person. I know I would have been 10x worse If it werent for my amazing mother and my horses! Iv never done drugs or had adrinking problem but very much self harmed my body in way I can't always cover up or erase. 

You will come out the other side of this knowing so much more of who you are and hold on to your identy and be proud of it, I may not be proud of my past actions to myself but I am proud of who I am today and my values and beliefs in my life. Your a beautiful yung woman!!


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## LostDragonflyWings (Feb 1, 2012)

First off, I am sorry to hear you are going through all of this, but I am so glad you are willing to get help and are talking about it. Secondly, that took GUTS to post all of this on a public forum and I applaud you for doing so. I am a very private person, and would never be able to find it in me to share something like that in so much depth. That is great you were able to do so, and I hope even more people of similar situations find this thread and are assisted positively by it.

It is so sad to hear about bullying these days, especially when it turns to physical injuries or suicide. It happens far too often and it is just so sad. I did a project/report on Homophobia for my Sociology class last semester and the news stories I read when working on the project were heart wrenching. People can be so evil and recieve no consequences in result. I have heard more and more stories about our local middle schools having issues with bullying and it is really disappointing. In first/second grade I was physically bullied (by a kid 3 times my size) and while I am barely affected by it now, it's still there. A friend of mine was severely bullied in highschool and did contemplate suicide. Thankfully that never happened and he was able to work through the negativity, and is now happy with his life.

Keep your head held high and know that there are always people out there who care.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you for your ongoing support everyone, it means a lot...

I'm going to the rehab center today, and staying for a starting point of two nights, which may increase as they assess me and how bad my problems are. (I think it's very bad... I've been shaking all night.)

I went to my Youth group at church last night to spend some time with my friends, and I am allowed to take a picture or two with me, but no other contact to the outside world. This means I won't have my phone or any internet. My mom and friends are not even allowed to visit until they make their diagnosis. This is one of the pictures I'm going to take. It's me on the right, and my two best (only) friends. That is the first time I've smiled in ages:


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## myhorsesonador (Jun 21, 2009)

As some one who as been there, and came near death multiple times, I'm here for you. I know how it feels, and I SOOOOOOO glad you are getting help. I was never alowed to get help, because my dad says they are all quaks. Depression runs on both sides of the family, I was almost doomed. 

I've been able to manage it for the most part for the past 5 years, till I sold Sonador. It's getting really hard again. I'm fighting with my parents, and things just arn't going well. I've tried to talk to people, but I don't actualy have friends, and I never really have. I've had people use me, and thats it. Never really helped me at all.

Please keep us updaited on things


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## redape49 (Jul 29, 2011)

Your not alone, I have been hospitalized 10 times (yes 10 times) to overcome my mental issues. I myself am a cutter and have ruined my whole entire body as a result. I was abused as a child and developed a drug/alcohol dependency which spiraled my cutting WAY out of control. I'm super proud of you for making the decision to go to rehab and get help. It's hard to admit defeat in situations like this because we want the control. I failed my first 9 hospitalizations (rehab) stints because they were involuntary. The 10th and final one was voluntary, I surrendered myself because I knew I had nothing left in me. I walked into the ER on xmas eve 2010 (at 23 yrs old) with my left arm shredded. 4 weeks and 63 staples later I walked out of that hospital and never looked back. I wish you all the best of luck, you will succeed because you WANT to. If you ever want to chat send me a message I'd be more than happy to offer support to you.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Like others have said from someone who's been there... I am very glad that you are getting help. I know how what a nightmare depression is, it almost killed me. I am in a different place now, a better place. Not perfect, but better. Even though it has taken me years to get just little better, it is still worth it. Just remember, you can get through this. It's going to be hell, but you will get through it. And in the end, it will be worth it.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

sporthorsegirl said:


> Like others have said from someone who's been there... I am very glad that you are getting help. I know how what a nightmare depression is, it almost killed me. I am in a different place now, a better place. Not perfect, but better. Even though it has taken me years to get just little better, it is still worth it. Just remember, you can get through this. *It's going to be hell*, but you will get through it. And in the end, it will be worth it.


They told me that the with drawl is going to be very difficult, and that the next few weeks are going to be very rough. They told me that because I've been cutting myself for so long to help myself function, my body now feels like I need it, and stopping is going to actually have a negative impact on me until my body overcomes it.

It's really bad already... I haven't cut for a day and a half now (I had a relapse on Thursday... ended up cutting my wrist on my desk corner :-() and I have been shaking so bad that I couldn't ride my horse today. I wasn't allowed to go near the fences (one part is barbed wire), because the state I was (and still am in) I would have done something, so I helped my instructor give lessons.

I'm going today at half past 4 (South African time) to the center.


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## Beechlgz (Feb 26, 2012)

The significance of these bullies in your life will eventually fade with time until they become like mere wisps in the wind, with no substance and no control over you. You'll look back on those memories and say, "you're nothing to me" because you'll have moved on to bigger, better and more important things. Be prepared for the long-haul, but it does get better.

Also, please, please, please love yourself. Meditate on those words. Every day those two words "love yourself" will take on new and deeper meanings.

Don't let go of that drive to fight through this, no matter how hard it gets: Keep Fighting.

The power of the mind is immense. Every day imagine yourself strong, hungry, fearless and vigorous and you will become how you imagine yourself to be, God willing.

What I'm suggesting might sound absurd to some, but it helped me through the depression, the cutting and the drugs, by God's will.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you very much Beechlgz...

I came home from rehab yesterday. It helped some, but I will most definitely have to go back. During the day they gave me some medicine that helped with my shaking and the desires to cut or throw up, but I did have a few relapses. I smashed a window the first night I was there because I couldn't handle it anymore, which ended with me being sedated and locked in my room. I panicked a little during the nights, as I'm claustrophobic and the rooms were quite small, but nothing too bad. And I had A LOT of therapy and talks and medication and the like, but for some reason I feel like it hasn't achieved much... Is that normal?

Today I went riding, and that cheered me up a lot. I rode Discovery, our oldish schoolmaster who no one can get to canter. To my delight he cantered beautifully for me, and I even jumped him over three jumps; the first was a 80cm, the second was 90cm, and the third was a meter. I was SO proud of him and myself, as was my instructors, as NO ONE had managed to get him to do that, not even them! That made me smile as I'm sure you all expect.

Once again I just want to thank everyone for the support.


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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

You can do it! Congrats on your ride, sounds fantastic!


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

You are doing great! Each day is building towards a new life for you. Riding is awesome therapy. Set goals for yourself in riding that are very hard, but accomplish able, and set yourself towards achieving them. Immerse yourself in it, and those other desires will fade away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adonai Acres Ronaldo (Oct 7, 2010)

i just want to say thankyou. for the last year or so i have been starving myself and throwing up whenever i eat something. its not because im bullied or unpopular.. i know that my mum is worried and that just makes me feel guiltier. your story gave me a sense of hope that i havent felt for a long time. you are so brave and i thankyou for it.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Adonai Acres Ronaldo said:


> i just want to say thankyou. for the last year or so i have been starving myself and throwing up whenever i eat something. its not because im bullied or unpopular.. i know that my mum is worried and that just makes me feel guiltier. your story gave me a sense of hope that i havent felt for a long time. you are so brave and i thankyou for it.


I'm so sorry that your experiencing it too... It's not a nice feeling. I'm going to struggle with it for a while, but eventually it will get better, and that is the same for you. Just stay strong


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## Hickory67 (Feb 18, 2012)

Again, I don't pretend to understand fully what you are experiencing, but here's something that helps me manage. The voice we hear in our head when we think is our ego. The ego is a very exclusive thing, meaning it constantly compares itself to everything around it and causes us to draw conclusions about ourselves. When those conclusions are negative, we experience negative emotion, which is nothing more than a physiological response - it makes our chemistry change. This is why they give us meds - to counteract that change.

What makes the ego and its emotions have such a psychological impact on us is that most of us are fully identified with our egos - that is, we believe those thoughts are us. They're not. Our thoughts, our personalities, our skills and abilities are only tools that the true being - our spirit, essence, or if you prefer our immortal soul - uses to get through the life experience. And when we are identified with it, the tool becomes the user. 

Our true essence cannot be hurt - it has remained unchanged since the day we were born - and THAT is who we really are. Now...that doesn't keep me from sinking into deep depression. What it does is allow me to accept that my depression is a fact of my life - my life experience - and helps me realize that, because it is temporary (and a fleeting moment in comparison to the eternity that my spirit will exist) that I need not dwell on it. 

I have, for years, defined myself as a depressed person and what that did was compound it - I was depressed about being depressed. But understanding what I do now, I can step outside the depression when it comes and focus on the moment - just like you were probably doing when you were riding and jumping. I still feel it, but it doesn't consume me and passes in its own time. While I wait for that to happen, I seek out things to occupy my mind and keep me in the moment- because the moment is really all that exists.

We go through hard times...but there is a silver lining. People come along behind us going through the same experience we do. Because we know - really know - what they are experiencing we can help them get through it too. It could save their life - and if it does it's worth the whole experience. Maybe that's the Almighty's plan for us.

Sorry for preaching - but I hope it helps. Read those books.


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## TaMMa89 (Apr 12, 2008)

I always feel almost furious when I hear about stories like that. It's just so easy to bully that other person, just think that it's so fun without thinking what it really does to the other person.

You're a strong young lady, carry your scars with proud and a mark of it that you survived these people, cutting and your issues. Since I'm sure that even it wouldn't be easy, you'll do it. Also I'm sure that your story can help some people in the same situation so thanks for sharing it.


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## Kaibear (Mar 4, 2011)

I'm not sure what to say...I'm shocked that kids can be that mean to each other and I think that when they mature they will regret their actions. Words can hurt so very badly. On the other hand, you are very brave for sharing your story with us. You are also open to getting help and realize that you have a problem and for that you should be proud of yourself! I can tell from what you have written that you are a strong young woman and that you WILL overcome this! It is apparent that you have two very good friends who will stick by you and help you in any way that they can. (And, in my opinion, a couple of close friends are better than lots of acquaintances.) Stay strong, ride as much as possible and keep us updated *Hugs*


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## equiniphile (Aug 16, 2009)

So sorry to hear what you're going through. It WILL get better, you just have to believe it will. We're all here for you!


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you so much for your support everyone.

A rumor was spread about me a few days ago, that I am a liar about everything I say, and that my rehab visit is an attention seeker or worse, a drug related trip, non of which is true! I don't know how anyone found out, as I kept it under wraps so that people wouldn't make assumptions about it, which they already have. So that is being spread around, and while I am trying to ignore it, it is making my life miserable at school. I sit on my own at breaks, because no one wants to be associated with the "druggy". My one best friend doesn't go to my school, and my other best friend has many other friends, so I can't expect him to sit with me everyday. The thing is that he knows about these things that are being said about me, and yet he doesn't sit with me. I know that sounds very selfish and immature, but I really need him right now, and for the past few days I feel like he hasn't been there for me, if that makes any sense? I don't know who it was that started it... The only people that knew are my family, who would most definitely not say anything, and my two friends, who I also trust did not say anything. My mom is trying to find out who is doing it, as they keep slipping hurtful notes into my locker and my desks in classes, and I am really starting to feel down and bad about myself, which is what I am trying to fix, and my family is so desperate to avoid.

I spoke about what I have been going through lately, yesterday to my entire grade, under advice of my therapist and teachers, and I saw that some people clearly thought I was attention seeking, and that it was a huge joke. When I realized that that is what people think of me, I felt terrible. I started to cry, and shake, and I tried to cut my wrists in the bathroom. I was stopped, and I'm okay, but I still feel terrible. I can't miss any school as it is my final year and exams are coming up soon, so I have to face school. I try to be strong and ignore them, but it's hard. My therapist comes with me to school now, mostly because they are worried that I am suicidal after what I attempted to do yesterday, but also so that I will have someone to talk to at breaks.

So all in all, I had a major breakdown, but I am not going to give up.


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## gaelgirl (Mar 3, 2011)

LoveStory10 said:


> my other best friend has many other friends, so I can't expect him to sit with me everyday. The thing is that he knows about these things that are being said about me, and yet he doesn't sit with me. I know that sounds very selfish and immature, but I really need him right now, and for the past few days I feel like he hasn't been there for me, if that makes any sense?


It doesn't sound selfish or immature at all. It sounds like he is not being a good friend to you, and you deserve better. I am so sorry that you are suffering through all of this Love Story. I don't even know what to say, except for I believe that you can fight through this and get better. You are so strong to have made it this far, and you are absolutely strong enough to survive until school ends. Everyone here is here for you, just remember that. ((((((Hugs from california))))))


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## redape49 (Jul 29, 2011)

Your one friend doesn't sound like much of a friend :-( my bet is, is that that friend is the one who spilled the beans. Your feelings are not selfish at all. You expect your friends to be there when they need you and it often hurts when they are not. I'm sorry that people are being so rude to you about this. People can be so immature. It seems like no matter who you are, if you receive mental health services everyone always assumes it's for attention :evil: try to hang in there and I'm glad to hear that you are not giving up! Be strong, you CAN get through this :hug:


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## HorseGuru (Feb 28, 2012)

Girl I would sit with yu every break and break everyone's nose and knock their front teeth. I'm not saying violence is an answer but where I come from a good old fashion a$$kicking will straighten people up.

Fortunately I was the popular kid and high school. I was the captain of the football team and president and everyone looked up to me. I didn't care what people thought about me. If I saw a person bullying a nerd or loser or whatever. I would stop it and have some words. They would leave them alone for the rest of the day. And I would wait for them in the parking lot after school. And when they came out they would get the snot Jammed in their brain. And alot of people thought it was uncool to stick up for the "losers" 

Well I will tell you it's not! It's the right thing to do. I gained alot of respect and was well liked and friends with all and I will tell you what. People didn't bully or pick on people when I was around because they knew they had to face someone their own size. 


So love story 10 if you ever have a problem or anything feel free to pm me and I will talk to you. I will help you work thought it. I'm sure you a gorgeous girl and you don't give your self credit. Be strong I'm thinking about you.

That made my blood boil. Brought back the old days smashing ignorant people's faces in 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hickory67 (Feb 18, 2012)

That is infuriating. But you're stronger than them.

Do you have any alternatives like switching schools or even home schooling? Sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the situation. And by all means, keep talking to us here, where you have a solid support network. I think it is a good thing that you spoke out about what's going on - there may have been some insensitive ones - typical of youth - but I guarantee there are many who's lives you touched, even if they don't yet realize it. And it is good to talk out your feelings - it helps you make sense of things and reduces the pressure you put on yourself. So keep it coming! There are many of us who will help you through it.


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## muumi (Oct 17, 2011)

Hey Lovestory... I've been following this thread, but not saying anything...

And don't take me wrong please!! I have been through my fair share of torture by other kids and adults, eating disorders, mental illnesses, therapy, medication, the lot! I think very few people get through this life unscathed... Especially these days, I think every second person has a struggle...

But perhaps you need a different perspective: This is mine... And I want to put it the best way possible. Maybe you should just decide to be stronger than this. High School may seem important, but it's nothing, I promise you! And when you graduate, your life is just starting! So don't sweat it now... these people around you, are kids themselves, and they mean nothing to your life in the long run. They need not have any permanent effect on your life... they are not worth it.

The very coolest, most creative, most interesting and above all, most SUCCESSFUL people I know now, were picked on at school etc. They become GREAT people because they don't just get what they want (like the 'cool and popular and pretty' kids at school!), and this builds character and ambition. I promise you, that out of high school, when life really starts, you can turn over a new leaf... and be anything you want! These people will be, and should be, forgotten!

I know its hard, but girl, I think you need to consciously start to rise above this. Tell yourself every day (and out loud!) that what people say and what they think doesn't matter, and that you will never let them see that they can hurt or humiliate you. Don't sit alone at break, and allow the thoughts to overcome you... go find something to do... keep yourself occupied... learn something new... chat with your friends on the horseforum... go to the library... anything except wallowing and thinking and internalising.

I know this is getting long, but perhaps I can make an example from my own life. Not the same thing, but when I started riding again as an adult, I knew that I wasn't as fearless as a kid, and not as skilled as my adult contemporaries, and I wanted to catch up fast! 

So I told myself that I would never admit fear, even if I felt it dreadfully! (and I was so afraid at times) and to never say "No" to my trainer when asked to do something. So I was asked to ride some scary horses, and I said "yes", and was asked to jump higher than I ever have: "yes!", fell off and got back on, and asked to do that scary thing once more "yes!". And so forth. 

And not very long afterwards I caught myself... not being afraid! At all! 

Not just pretending to not be afraid... I just wasn't. And I'm not. At all. It's weird, but I manifested it, and now it's as real as my eyes are brown.

Silly example but the moral of the story is: you will believe what you tell yourself, and if you tell yourself something positive all the time, you will become it! It's hard I know! But this change has to start with you, and you'll see, other people will start to believe you too! 

I have a friend who gives me great perspective when I feel like crumbling, he doesn't hug me or baby me, he just says in a stern voice: ''Muumi, put your big girl panties on!'' or "Man the **** up!'' and these days I appreciate it more than anything else. 

And in closing... some inspirational art: It's a good place to start...










PS. apologies also for the long and slightly obnoxious post...
PPS. !!hugs!!


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## muumi (Oct 17, 2011)

PPS. I'm relatively close by, in Joburg, so if you need anything, a chat, whatever... pm me your details and I'll send you mine. I mean it.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Well everyone, I am very happy to let you all know that I am completely better!!  I don't have time to post details, but I will very soon.


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## VanillaBean (Oct 19, 2008)

That is such amazing news! I am so happy for you. Great job.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Wow, what an interesting and disturbing thread. I am really glad you are better. It is disturbing b/c of the behavior of those that taunted you, which are the people that need some behavior modification, big time. They will have to live w what they are and what they have done for the rest of their lives.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Thank you everyone. Its been some very rough months, but after another trip to rehab, and the support of my family and friends, I'm okay now.

I haven't cut in over 3 months, and the urge to do so, and to not eat has lessened a lot, even though they haven't disappeared yet. The people who caused it all were suspended from school, and punished quite severly. I have forgiven them though, I don't blame them anymore. My scars are fading, and although they will never completely fade, they will fade enough that I will never have to be ashamed of them. Everyone in my life knows what happened in my life for these past few months, and none of them judge me, apart from one "friend" who thought I was just seeking attention. Needless to say he is no longer my friend.

I really want to thank all the HF members who supported me throughout that time in my life, I really appreciate it, and I'm glad that my story is out there for others to see that 1) Bullying is not a joke, and 2) Doing what I did is never the answer.

Thanks so much guys, if you would like any details regarding my treatment and stuff, please ask, I would really like to share it.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Way to go girl!! Keep on truckin!


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## oobiedoo (Apr 28, 2012)

That is great news! Keep up the good work and remember you always have people who genuinely care, right here  as close as your fingertips.


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

I thought I would revive this thread...

I've had a very rough few weeks. I have absolutely no idea why, but I seem to have sunk into a deep depression. Nothing has interested me or made me happy. I stopped doing agility with my dog, and I haven't even been up to see my horses in about a month now. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't do anything. My family is worried, and so is my boyfriend, which makes me feel even worse - we've only been dating 2 months, and he has to put up with my depression... I'm going to my psychiatrist in a few days before I get the urge to do anything silly.

This is so very annoying, because I was doing so well. I just don't understand it...


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I hope you can find a balance, that is sustainable over time. By all means, so the psychiatrist and let us know if it is helpful.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

I have a daughter who has had similar troubles as you.

She takes her antidepressants, eats right, makes good choices (now), and still will get deeply, illogically depressed. 

She's in her mid-20s, and sometimes has to just hang on to the memory that episodes come and episodes go. From what she has learned, she expects this to be a pattern. Because of that, she has plans in place to protect herself when "it" gets bad. 

Please keep traveling your path. It's so worth it to you and even when you don't feel that it is, you are positive contribution to those in your circle of influence (family, acquaintances, etc).


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## LoveStory10 (Oct 31, 2009)

Today my mother decided to book me in for 3 nights back at rehab because she's worried about me. I don't really know how to feel about that, but I can see why she is - I haven't eaten or slept in a number of days, and I haven't really spoken much.

I sold my mares. With everything that has been going on, I haven't had time for them, and since I will be going to university next year I still won't have time, and thats not fair to them. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I did it for them, and they will be very happy.

I just found out that my riding school is closing down, and have to sell all the horses I have grown up with. I have never cried so much in my entire life, I don't know what to do. 

I know I should feel something right now, but I guess I'm numb.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Girl- you are so very brave for sharing all this. I checked out your photos-you are a lovely young lady. These kids in your high school will mean nothing in your future life. I am sorry you let them affect you so much. I went through school pretty much as a loner & since i never got along w/kids-i made the decision to never have any of my own. I have had a horse (or more) since I could work-kept them through thick & thin. But-I retired at the end of last year, bought & moved to a sweet little ranch. Then my husband had to have a life-saving surgery-(no insurance & he hasn't worked for over 3 years)-so yesterday I gave my horses away to a family that can support them. I am devastated, & can really relate to what you are feeling. Be strong-stay independent & get horses back in your life as soon as you can. Rejoice in a good day or having good times-we never know what might be lurking just around the corner.


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## stephshark (Jun 19, 2012)

I'm really sorry to hear about everything you've been through. I also have spent much of my life dealing with weight issues, self esteem issues, eating disorders, and cutting. You're decision to seek treatment and consult a psychiatrist is very mature and responsible, and I commend you for taking those steps towards recovery. As far as the bullies go, "bully" is just another word for coward. They all probably have problems of their own and are too immature to resolve them, so they deflect onto another target. Here's an exercise for you to try: whenever someone says something nasty of hurtful, simply smile and say something nice in return, and say to yourself "I forgive them". By erasing negative thoughts right away, you won't be holding in any toxic emotions to dwell on, and it will help the recovery process. It won't be easy, but trust me: it gets better  We'll be thinking of you


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