# Attempted Suicide, and picking up the pieces-



## countrylove (Oct 18, 2012)

I wish I had advise for you... Have you seen a counselor or therapist? Might help a lot and they can help your family too. Focus and your daughter and if your fiance leaves then let it be because you deserve better. "Through sickness and health" is part of marriage so if she can't stick this out then it wasn't meant to be. I do genuinely hope you guys work through it though and use it to make your relationship stronger. Best of luck hun! Sending prayers your way for strength and healing <3
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

I think professional help is the best advise anyone can give.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

I am seeing 2 different therapists starting this week. I have been trying for the last 2 months to get in to see someone, and everywhere I went I was told there was a wait list and that they weren't accepting new patients. I tried to get help for a long time before this happened. I felt like I had nothing left. 

I do have a good support group now. Professional help will definitely be key to getting better. I just wish I could stop my heart from aching so much.


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## countrylove (Oct 18, 2012)

It takes time. With help and support you will heal. Sadly most mental health programs are lacking and too many people get lost in the cracks. Don't ever stop asking for help though. I know its tough. I self harmed in my late teens and early 20s so I have some experience in your situation. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. And as hard as it just keep thinking positive. Think about your beautiful daughter, the joy from being at the barn, etc. Staying active really helps my mental health because I don't have time to sit and dwell. Wishing you a fast and easy recovery even though it rarely is. Depression is a life long battle but it can be beat. Keep looking up hun!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree, that professional help is your only option. I would assume that having made an attempt on your life, you would be bumped up to getting more attention, since it is obvious that you are reallly hurting. only a person with a severe form of depression would consider committing suicide when they have a daughter to bring forward in the world. 
that alone keeps most people here, in this world, struggling day to day with whatever woes they have. So, do not brush it off and go all, "I'm sorry". that is not going to change anything.
push until you get the help you need, and do not avoid medications, since they can make a huge difference in the quality of life.
I have a lot of depression in my family, with one brother successfully taking his life. I know how angry that can make the survivors. you can't be upset at them for their reactions. you must do what you must do for yourself.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Thanks, Tiny. I am not upset at their reactions. I understand them. It just makes it harder for me, that's all. I know I hurt a lot of people, and I know that they have every right to be angry with me. That doesn't mean that it's easy for me to deal with or process. 

I am taking this one day at a time... I am seeing two therapists this week, and I have worked on setting some boundaries with the people around me so I can try to prevent myself from being in a situation where I think I have no other way out. I think today I am thinking more clearly, and that alone makes a difference. Baby steps. 

Thank you everyone for your replies. 

Thank you Country for the support. I might take you up on that offer.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

I would advise going to an emergency room and tell them you have attempted suicide very recently or if you feel suicidal again I strongly suggest this.
YOUR worthy of a long and happy life.
Do NOT wait until you feel so desperate you make another attempt.
This will get you seen by a mental health professional or even admitted into an inpatient program. IMPO an inpatient program is best to stabilize your moods and to adjust to any medications you might be prescribed. 
I cannot diagnosis you . I can give you advice.
PM me if you want to discuss anything. What we discuss will remain confidential I assure you.
There is hope and happiness in your future if you work to achieve it. It will not be easy and whatever is troubling you did not occur overnight. There are no easy answers and treatment might be difficult. 
Never think your life is useless and never think you are alone. Shalom Donald


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry - we are here for you. I also sent you a pm. I had no idea you were struggeling. Please, please go to the emergency room if you feel like you might hurt yourself again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Huggs.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

What is it that's bothering you? Why do you feel like you don't want to live anymore?


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

No no no, you guys! I went to the ER. I stayed in the hospital for a week and got some really good help. I attended groups and meetings full of people just like me. I am now in the process of trying to pick up all the pieces so I can move on with my life. I would never try again. I hurt so many people. I am so angry with myself for how much I hurt the people I love the most. If it weren't for my fiancé, I wouldn't even be here. She saved my life. BUT now I think this is all just too much for her to handle, and she has decided (or not decided) that she doesn't know what she wants anymore. So that is hard, but I will get through it. I am hopeful. I am committed to making things better for me, and being a better mother. My daughter deserves the absolute best. 

"If I can complain about it, I can change it." That is what is getting me through each day. I am looking forward to making the changes necessary to becoming a better person. 

Its just HARD. So HARD. Its the hardest thing I have ever done.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

Just recently went through this with my brother. 

I think *talking *about it is very important. So even you coming on here and expressing your feelings, can help tremendously. 

Stay on open lines with your family and fiance. Keep talking. 

Also, make sure you find a therapist that you LIKE. I went with my brother to his first appointment and OMG I was appalled by the therapist. He was absolutely horrible for so many reasons. For one thing, he never even ask who I was. Although I am not a therapist, I would think it would be important to know who this support person is who came with you. Wife? Sister? Girlfriend?? 

But yeah, make sure you find a therapist who you click with and who understands you. 

Realize that you *may* also need to try some medications. Not everyone goes that route but your brain is "programmed" right now to think a certain way (a depressing way). You need to help your brain think about things different. Medications can sometimes help correct the neuro imbalance to get you thinking in a positive light.


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## Viranh (Apr 7, 2013)

*hugs* You can get through this and things will be better.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

So what led up to this, if you don't mind me asking? Is it work? Is your horse ok? Did you have a fight with your fiance prior to this? Is your daughter ok?


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## Emma2003 (Jan 9, 2014)

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I think it is difficult for people who have never experienced true depression to grasp how awful it is. While it is talked about more these days, for some people there is still a stigma attached to it. A wise person once said that the brain is just another organ. If you have a heart condition, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc, and lifestyle changes aren't enough to correct it, you will need to take medication. So it is with the brain.

As others have mentioned, therapy/counselling would probably benefit everyone involved. I think it is important for all of you to understand where the other is coming from. I wish you all best.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Its a lot of stuff, really. I have always had some depression issues (I have a journal going on here, somewhere... Its kind of my life story). It took me a really long time to figure out who I was, and accept that person. It took me a long time to be okay with who I was and to come out to my friends and my family. It took a lot of hard work to become a confident and independent woman. 

I left my job at the barn a year and a half ago and moved in with my fiancé. I now board my horse. I went from working in the barn and seeing my horse all the time, to boarding her at a place where I don't get to see her often. I also moved to a town that is 2 hours from any of my friends, no matter what direction I go in. So not only did I leave the horses, I left my friends and my life behind. Then I slowly lost who I was. I slowly became more isolated. I slowly became more depressed. And as that happened, I started to have problems in my relationship because I was/am no longer confident or independent. My downward spiral just started to get out of control. I reached out and asked for help numerous times, and was turned away. I felt like I had no where else to go.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry4Me said:


> Its a lot of stuff, really. I have always had some depression issues (I have a journal going on here, somewhere... Its kind of my life story). It took me a really long time to figure out who I was, and accept that person. It took me a long time to be okay with who I was and to come out to my friends and my family. It took a lot of hard work to become a confident and independent woman.
> 
> I left my job at the barn a year and a half ago and moved in with my fiancé. I now board my horse. I went from working in the barn and seeing my horse all the time, to boarding her at a place where I don't get to see her often. I also moved to a town that is 2 hours from any of my friends, no matter what direction I go in. So not only did I leave the horses, I left my friends and my life behind. Then I slowly lost who I was. I slowly became more isolated. I slowly became more depressed. And as that happened, I started to have problems in my relationship because I was/am no longer confident or independent. My downward spiral just started to get out of control. I reached out and asked for help numerous times, and was turned away. I felt like I had no where else to go.


I'm so sorry. Isolation is a bad place to be. I'm thousands of miles away from my family and most of my friends. I skype and FB with them when I can but it's not the same. 

Is your work place being supportive of your current situation? I'm assuming you had to take an unexpected leave?

Is there anyway you can move your horse closer?


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## AnrewPL (Jun 3, 2012)

Something I learned through seeing a few people (friends and family members) commit suicide is that the people who the world could probably do without NEVER even contemplate it; the ones who do commit suicide are the ones who are too precious to loose. I don’t know why, but the people who feel isolated, feel worthless and feel as though they have no right to exist are usually the most compassionate, caring and sensitive people we know, they are the most human. They are the ones we love and when they are gone they leave a void in the lives of people left behind that can never be filled. It is a cruel irony, but its these people, no doubt, people like you, who are held most dear though, I know, they feel the exact opposite. Try to remember that, behind the grinding depression that feels like home, there is another life where you don’t need to go through it all if you can only allow yourself to be happy and convince yourself that you are allowed to be happy. Though it might look otherwise, it is possible, and when you get there the world really does look different.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

I think a big part of your healing process will be forgiving yourself for what happened. It seems like once you can accomplish that (and trust me, it's for a formidable task!), the people who matter most in your life will find it easier to forgive you.

I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but forgiving yourself is a HUGE deal. Being angry or disappointed with yourself accomplishes nothing except bringing you back down to the place where you were before. 

I'm going to PM you, as well, as there are some things I would like to share with you that I would rather not do on a public thread.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

You're in my thoughts, friend ): I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you, right now...


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## gigem88 (May 10, 2011)

Strawberry, you don't have to be a better person. That's tough for anyone to live up to, concentrate on you and you will get through it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Strawberry your horses cant make you happy. Your finance cant make you happy. Happiness starts from within. Remember that.
I would like to comment on something someone posted. I do not agree that you must find a therapist you "click" with. 
Find one that helps you plan your treatment plan and listens to your suggestions. I dont want my patients to like me.
I want them to feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts and feelings yet also be open to any suggestions that I make . I need their trust not their friendship. Most of my patients have been angry at me sometime in their therapy. Thats normal and expected.
The healing process is long and it will be painful emotionally.
You can do this if you forgive yourself. 
It is OK to be angry Strawberry. It is never OK to be angry with yourself. Shalom Donald


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Thank you to everyone who has taken time out of their lives to offer me a kind word. I appreciate you all. 

I have my first real therapy session today (since I got out of the hospital.) I am hoping that goes well, although I am pretty nervous and anxious about it. Its a good step in the right direction, so I am looking forward to it as well. 

There is a support group meeting at the local church tonight also. I might try to go to that. I get so anxious about stuff like that. Getting through the door is the hardest part for me. Once I am there, I am okay. But getting out of my car and actually going in is really difficult for me. I am not sure why...

Thanks again everyone for the kind words. Today I am going to start forgiving myself. And take deep breaths.


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## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

So far you are on the right track in healing. It will take time. If you notice any red flags, as of thinking about suicide call someone quickly, or go to the ER. 

My brother completed suicide on July 22, 2013. And it hurts like heck. We are coming up on his year and I have never dealt with so much pain. I in the past have thought about suicide but didn't go through with it. I almost did twice after my brother did but called someone. Now after my brother did I see how bad it hurts people. And how it has changed my family. And everyone in my family
Is different now.

So please keep up your work at seeing a therapist and try to be around people so you don't start to think.

Life is a wonderful thing, keep going and stay strong.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

dbarabians said:


> I do not agree that you must find a therapist you "click" with.
> Find one that helps you plan your treatment plan and listens to your suggestions. I dont want my patients to like me.
> I want them to feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts and feelings yet also be open to any suggestions that I make . I need their trust not their friendship. Most of my patients have been angry at me sometime in their therapy. Thats normal and expected.


It's actually therapeutic to have disagreements with your therapist because you get to practice how you react in such situations in safe environment. My therapist kept cancelling on me and that made me really mad, so she got to see how I react in such situations and I got to practice my confrontation skills.

I hope your session goes well! Keep us posted!


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## Allison Finch (Oct 21, 2009)

My friend, life has given you a tough path to follow.....from the very beginning. Going against the "norm (whatever the heck THAT is) puts huge stress in one's life. I wish I had some easy answers, but these answers are unique to every person. Suffice it to say we will be here with cyberhugs whenever you feel the ground slipping out from you. Suicide support groups might help....or will hearing all of their struggles only under add fuel to the fire? 

Make a plan of action. Find out the biggest cause of your stress and attack it. Is there a suicide hotline that you could volunteer with? A good friend who attempted suicide started working at one and, when she worked at talking others out of their despair, her own words of advice actually were absorbed into her own self. It was a life saver for her and she would be the first to admit it.

Until you figure out what your best attack plan is, beware of the desire to "self medicate" your troubles away. It is a trap that so many fall into.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

My therapy appointment today went well. I talked about all of the things going on, and got some solid advice. 

Just, stop and take a minute to rest. Be kind to yourself. Time will be your best friend. 

While talking about how I notice my 5 year old daughter picking up some self image issues (she has been saying things like, "bug bites on my legs don't make me look pretty.") 

She said when I tell my daughter that she will be beautiful no matter what, to take my own advice. When I talk to her, think of it as talking to myself. When it comes to loving yourself, something I can't stress enough to my daughter, its time to listen to my own words. 

I am feeling good after today.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles - please PM me if you ever need to just 'talk' - I can't promise to be able to help but I will 'listen'.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Well, you may not like this, but of course you did it for attention. That is also why you are talking about it now. Sometimes you can hurt so badly that you shock people into realizing how bad you really feel. It is extreme , but certainly not unnatural. That is why we scream, shout, pout, hit etc. it actually is normal to want to be noticed and gain a measure of sympathy when we feel lost. Few people try to commit suicide. That either do or don't. Please remember that it is the single most selfish act a person can do. You simply transfer your hurt to the ones you love. Why would you ever want to do that. The positive note is that you really don't or you would have done so. If you need help you merely need to see a doctor. It's not a big thing as you wouldn't hesitate to go if you had a severe pain in your body. Well. You may just have one in your head that could easily be treated. We all have our troubles and you never know what burdens those around you carry. 
Most of what I just said is from my own experience.

Think good thoughts and move on. Your life will improve. I promise.


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## KsKatt (Jun 2, 2014)

The fact that you say you've had depression in the past makes me think some medication might help. You said two therapists, is the second one a medication counselor?
I ask because that's how mine is. I have my individual therapy and then medication management. That is the person most likely to figure out if meds could work for you. If they believe you are fine without, that is wonderful. If they do think it could help, let it. I was on Prozac and Wellbutrin just over a decade ago to get through a rough time, stabilized and did fine for a long time. Now I'm down again and very well may be on meds for a very long time. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's exactly the same as needing insulin. It is simple fact that a chemical imbalance has a lot to do with depression. It's medication pure and simple.
It is true that the people who truly want to die usually succeed, the rest of us just want the pain to end. I don't believe it is to get attention, it's to get help. 
Bless you and keep talking, keep doing anything and everything that helps you.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

bkylem said:


> Well, you may not like this, but of course you did it for attention. That is also why you are talking about it now. Sometimes you can hurt so badly that you shock people into realizing how bad you really feel. It is extreme , but certainly not unnatural. That is why we scream, shout, pout, hit etc. it actually is normal to want to be noticed and gain a measure of sympathy when we feel lost. Few people try to commit suicide. That either do or don't. Please remember that it is the single most selfish act a person can do. You simply transfer your hurt to the ones you love. Why would you ever want to do that. The positive note is that you really don't or you would have done so. If you need help you merely need to see a doctor. It's not a big thing as you wouldn't hesitate to go if you had a severe pain in your body. Well. You may just have one in your head that could easily be treated. We all have our troubles and you never know what burdens those around you carry.
> Most of what I just said is from my own experience.
> 
> Think good thoughts and move on. Your life will improve. I promise.


This is pure BS! You have no idea why she attempted suicide and to make such an uneducated statement only shows your ignorance.
The OP stated that she almost died. That informs me that she did not do this for attention only.
I rarely suggest that others refrain from adult conversations. Your post has nothing to offer this conversation.
However Strawberry is vulnerable and might not be emotionally stable. IMPO you are the one seeking attention.
May I remind you that compassion is a human value.
The OP is asking for support not to be lectured.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Yes, one therapist is to prescribe and manage meds. Right now, my primary doctor has been doing it, but it's better for a mental health professional to do it. I have been on medication for about a month now, and I think it is starting to work pretty well. I started going to my doctor 2 months ago telling her I was having a hard time. She first tried to help me find a therapist, but every one we called had a wait list, or wasn't accepting new patients. I went back to her a month ago telling her it was getting worse, so she prescribed me a medication. (I have been on antidepressants before, but they were giving me seizures, so I had to stop taking them) This medication effects a different part of the brain entirely and has not cause a spell, so I am hopeful that this type may work for me. I have been reaching out, making phone calls, busting my butt to try and get help. There are not enough therapists to go around my little corner of Maine. That is just the way it is. 

Now, since my hospital stay, I have been made a "priority" and am able to get in to see crisis workers until a therapist opens up. I didn't know about the support groups, or I would have been attending them a long time ago. 

Just to clear the air- If anyone thinks for a second that it is easy to come in here and tell all of you, or to tell my family members, or my friends that I tried to commit suicide, you are WRONG. Its the hardest thing that I have ever done. I am ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. It is in no way, shape or form a cry for attention. I worked my butt off to try and get help. I tried every route I could think of. I am saying it out loud, because I know its something that is serious and needs to be dealt with. Asking for support, and OWNING my own bad decision is a HUGE step for me. If you can't see it for what it is, please do me and the rest of the world a favor, and leave your uneducated opinion elsewhere. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have no idea how they fit or how I am feeling. 

Ahhh, that felt good. 

Thank you to everyone who is here to offer support. You guys are amazing. I could have never predicted that I would have this much support from all of you here on the HF! You're amazing people, and I am really grateful to have you. Even is if is just through a computer screen. Some of you have even offered me a phone number. You are all awesome, and I can't thank you enough! 

Today is going to be a good day! I took a vacation day tomorrow, and my office is closed on the 4th. I thought 3 days of work this week would be enough for me. I am going to spend some time with family members and friends, and enjoy the nice weather we have here. I may hop on my horse and do a little therapeutic riding. That horse, I am telling you, she gets me. She knows what I need from her. She knows when a little attitude is okay, and when she needs to put on her best gelding face and love me.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry4Me said:


> That horse, I am telling you, she gets me. She knows what I need from her. She knows when a little attitude is okay, and when she needs to put on her best gelding face and love me.


This made me smile. I feel the same way about my mare. She knows how to get in touch with her "inner gelding" :lol:


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

First off, I unfortunately know of the the subject. The key word is unfortunate. I also suggested that she seek help. Hopefully this would be from a physician who can prescribe medications that truly make a difference. They can. 
If this is a cruel, uneducated approach I will merely say that I truly care about her and thus my washing away of any feelings relating to guilt or attention. One of my past doctors wisely told me that he didn't care how I got there or what past family members had done. He merely wanted me to feel better. I do.

I apologize if I sounded callous, but it was only attempting to relate my experience without delving into my own past. I had no wish to compare our circumstances.

I truly wish her the very best as we all do. I think the most prudent action right now however may most likely be to seek professional help.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

I will stand by my statements as I was almost successful in my own attempt. Seven of my close family members were not so. Immediate members. I never understood why.
It is simply a subject that is all too near to me. I don't like to see anyone hurt.

I am sorry if I offended anyone , but it was neither BS or attention seeking.


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## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

No It is not for seeking attention. My brother who completed suicide was not doing it for attention. He was stuck with mental problems, addiction, and more. 

bkylem you were almost successful but were not. Maybe you were seeking it for attention therefore that's why you didn't go through with it. The people that go completely through with it are getting away from pain that they see no end too.

Some people who do try to attempt suicide may be doing it for attention but not all.

So I wouldn't go judging the OP saying she was doing it for attention when you DO NOT know her back ground.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

bkylem said:


> First off, I unfortunately know of the the subject. The key word is unfortunate. I also suggested that she seek help. Hopefully this would be from a physician who can prescribe medications that truly make a difference. They can.
> If this is a cruel, uneducated approach I will merely say that I truly care about her and thus my washing away of any feelings relating to guilt or attention. One of my past doctors wisely told me that he didn't care how I got there or what past family members had done. He merely wanted me to feel better. I do.
> 
> I apologize if I sounded callous, but it was only attempting to relate my experience without delving into my own past. I had no wish to compare our circumstances.
> ...


 I would like it if you would read through all my posts. I am getting professional help, and was seeking professional help months ago. I am also taking meds. The things you are suggesting are already being done. Thank you for the advice and support.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

This subject is very close to me and when I hear an individual like Strawberry state her situation it saddens me.
I only want the very best for her and I apologize to all if my choice of words didn't reflect my true concern. They were from the heart however.

Thanks . . .


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Sometimes, written words can easily be misunderstood. Thanks again for your concern


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Well at least you can see that many people on this Forum care a great deal about you and wish you all you ever hoped for. We may not agree with each other, but we do agree on the most important thing.

Brad


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## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

This subject is also very close to me as well. Other people just have different opinions when it comes to this topic. A lot of people are worried to get help because they are worried that they may be called an attention seeker. That would be me. After my brother completed suicide I almost did twice. What stop me was I didn't want my parents or sister to go through another suicide. I did not get help from anyone because I did not want anyone to think I was wanting attention when which I was dealing with internal problems.

Good luck to the OP and others. I hope you may find life as a gift.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

*Picture of the day*

I saw this picture today and had to share.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

What a great picture . A little light humor can sometimes help to put things in perspective. It is such a strong visual image, that I think I can call upon it from time to time for myself.

Big thanks.


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## paintedpastures (Jun 21, 2011)

Strawberry from reading your posts I can see already your on the right path:wink:. You are taking doing your best to take control of your life. It is not easy,I know when you are depressed & feeling alone you do feel like there is no way out & brighter future. Contemplating Suicide or numbing yourself from the world with substances is all too common:-(. I suffer from similiar feelings & regularily have my own little pity party:lol: . After reading your thread it has help me look at myself & given me some encouragement to start helping myself out of the hole i'm digging... Keep sharing not only for helping yourself but others like me
Keep it up,proud of you!!!firstly for yourself then your Family


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

I had a really busy weekend. It was good, but it was exhausting at the same time! I had a very close friend come up and visit from Philadelphia and stay with us for a few days. It was really nice to see her and spend some time laughing at old memories. 

I also spent some good time talking with my closest friends on the phone. It was nice to hear from them, and hear how important I am to them. 

"You are the strongest one out of all of us. You can't fold on us now, we need you."

"When I was in an abusive relationship and wasn't strong enough to make my boyfriend leave, you did it for me. You went to my house without me and you made him pack his things a leave. I could have never done that."

"When I needed to leave my girlfriend who was a drug addict and had nowhere to go, you opened your door for me. Even though you had just had a baby and your life was really stressful. You made sure I had a place to go." 

"When my parents died, you dropped what you were doing and drove 5 hours to make sure I was okay. And then house sat our house while we went to the funeral because we were afraid someone would read in the paper that both parents had died, and would try to break into our house." 

"When I was depressed and struggling in my own life, I called you and you flew to Colorado the next day so you could make sure I was okay." 

"When you and I were fighting and not speaking to each other, I was moving from my 3rd floor apartment. I called and asked if you could help me move some stuff, and you dropped what you were doing and helped me. Then we continued to not talk for a while. You were there to help me, even though we didn't like each other very much at the time." 

That is the kind of stuff I really need to hear. I am a really good friend, and a good person. I have over come a lot in my life, and it has made me a better person. A stronger person. I needed them to remind me of some of the things that make me who I am. I am strong. I am caring. I am a really good friend. 

I have more appointments this week, and they increased my medication slightly. I am looking forward to having things a bit more quiet this week than they were last week. I took a vacation day on Wednesday, and I am going to drive 2 hours north to meet one of my best friends for some hiking. I am really looking forward to that, too.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Sounds like you're on the right track. I miss your posts on the 30 something thread; I sometimes skim through other posts (pssst, don't tell anyone), but I always read your posts, as they are very positive and sometimes even entertaining


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## KsKatt (Jun 2, 2014)

Awesome! Yes, it is often those who spend so much of their time caring for others, that they neglect to care for themselves. 
You keep reminding yourself just how great you are! Take care of yourself, do the little things that refresh you, body and mind. You are worth it!!


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Strawberry it sounds like you do a lot for others. What do you do for yourself? Do you allow others to take care of you in your times of need?
If not now is the time. Shalom


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

I think one of the most important things to remember is that things change. Life is always changing. No matter how dark and miserable things are at those low points, they will change, just hang on.

Thanks for writing this down. I was on your families side at one point, hating the person who made the attempt, hating that I wasn't good enough to make a difference for them, that they were so incredibly selfish to do that to me, to do that to all of us that cared. HOW COULD THEY? it took me a long time to understand that those who are truly depressed and suicidal are not thinking things through, they are seeing things very differently than they would normally. Hearing from people who had been there would have helped me understand sooner.

I also think its tragic that there is little help for those that need it, and even if you admit to being suicidal, the hospital will only hold you for a very short amount of time. The veil of shame surrounding depression and suicide keeps other people from really understanding what the victims are going through.

so do I think its important to remember that the decision to commit suicide is essentially(though it may not seem so at the time) a selfish one, that you will horribly scar family and friends for the rest of their lives? yes. I think anyone contemplating suicide should hear that. But I don't think that, on top of what they are already going through they should be beaten over the head with that knowledge. Trying to make someone who already feels they are better off dead guilty and worthless is terribly counter productive.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

BlueSpark said:


> I think one of the most important things to remember is that things change. Life is always changing. No matter how dark and miserable things are at those low points, they will change, just hang on.
> 
> Thanks for writing this down. I was on your families side at one point, hating the person who made the attempt, hating that I wasn't good enough to make a difference for them, that they were so incredibly selfish to do that to me, to do that to all of us that cared. HOW COULD THEY? it took me a long time to understand that those who are truly depressed and suicidal are not thinking things through, they are seeing things very differently than they would normally. Hearing from people who had been there would have helped me understand sooner.
> 
> ...


 The counter productive part- exactly. And the thing is for me, I wasn't crying for attention. I wasn't thinking clearly, but at the time I felt like I was. I felt like I had thought through every situation, and the best possible outcome would be for my family and friends to not have to deal with the burden that is me. I felt that I was doing the right thing, for me and for them. I wasn't planning on surviving. I am lucky SO LUCKY that I did. I wasn't planning on having to clean up this mess. And let me tell you, it is a MESS! Now that I am getting help and my meds are working better, I can really see this situation clearly. I was irrational. I thought I was rational, but it was completely off my rocker. And I hurt a lot of people. Part of this journey for me, a big part of it is acceptance. I have to ACCEPT that I hurt some people. I have to ACCEPT that they may not react the same way I would, or they may not heal as fast as I would, or they may not forgive as fast as I would. I have to accept that. I cannot change it. It doesn't mean that they love me less. 

What I do have control over is how I react. How I begin to forgive myself and how I begin to heal. That I can do. One day at a time, I am making progress. Today, I had coffee on my back deck. It was crisp and cool, and I could smell the ocean. That in itself was amazing. It was a good start to my day


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## KsKatt (Jun 2, 2014)

That is exactly it! The coffee on the deck and letting yourself feel the joy. People often think that doing for themselves means doing something big. That would be great, but not always possible. Caring for yourself means giving yourself permission to enjoy the little things, giving yourself time, even if it is just the few minutes it takes, to "smell the flowers".


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## Coops Girl (Apr 29, 2014)

Personally I believe that you should not have to apologize for anything. When I was suicidal it was because of things people were saying and doing to me. It is not your fault that you want to escape that, I did too, I just didn't have the courage to actually do it. Music helped me through it a lot, it was my escape and without it I can honestly say I would probably be dead. Invest in it, get a tumblr if you don't have one. Start watching you tubers. Read books. Watch Movies. Watch TV. just KEEP YOURSELF BUSY.I cannot stress that enough if you stay occupied you will forget the pain for a while. And remember that it will not be this way forever. The people that are mean to you now won't even be in your life by the time you are 25, the things they say aren't important. Have you ever seen the pictures of band members holding signs that say, "suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better". make that your background look at it everyday and think about. I can proudly say I have been clean for 7 months and haven thought of suicide for almost a year. lastly since you are on this website I am going to assume you enjoy horses. Spend all your time at the barn ride, talk to your horse, go on trail rides, ask if you can intern/get a job at your barn, also possibly going to a camp(just an idea). Just being around horses makes me feel 10x better. There are people that care about you in this world, people who need you in it, and if you had died for real they would all think it was there fault and never forgive themselves. That is why they are angry, it is because you made them feel as if they were to blame if you had died and they could not live with that kind of pain. Hope all goes well and I apologize for making this so long, but it kills me to see people sad because I know how it feels when none is there for you.

xoxoxoxoxox idk who you are but i love you and i would miss you if you died <3<3<3 stay safe hun


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry4Me said:


> Today, I had coffee on my back deck. It was crisp and cool, and I could smell the ocean. That in itself was amazing. It was a good start to my day


That's great. I'm not anywhere near the ocean, but I sometimes drink my morning tea on the back porch and listen to the birds sing. It's a great way to start the day.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Coops Girl said:


> The people that are mean to you now won't even be in your life by the time you are 25, the things they say aren't important. Have you ever seen the pictures of band members holding signs that say, "suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better". make that your background look at it everyday and think about. I can proudly say I have been clean for 7 months and haven thought of suicide for almost a year. lastly since you are on this website I am going to assume you enjoy horses. Spend all your time at the barn ride, talk to your horse, go on trail rides, ask if you can intern/get a job at your barn, also possibly going to a camp(just an idea). Just being around horses makes me feel 10x better. There are people that care about you in this world, people who need you in it, and if you had died for real they would all think it was there fault and never forgive themselves. That is why they are angry, it is because you made them feel as if they were to blame if you had died and they could not live with that kind of pain. Hope all goes well and I apologize for making this so long, but it kills me to see people sad because I know how it feels when none is there for you.
> 
> xoxoxoxoxox idk who you are but i love you and i would miss you if you died <3<3<3 stay safe hun


 Thank you for all the advice. I am almost 30. The people in my life are the ones that are here to stay. I don't waste my time with people who won't. 

I used to manage a dressage barn, and I can't get back into that. I need a job with insurance and vacation time and sick time. I like my job now. 

I am not feeling this way because someone was mean to me. I am feeling this way because I have depression. I stopped taking meds because they were giving me seizures, and I never went back on another one. I didn't think I had to. I stopped seeing my therapist and slowly started to isolate myself from my own friends and family. I let my disease take over. 

I am now feeling a lot better. Although I try to take it one day at a time. My meds are seeming to work again, and I have been seeing a therapist regularly. I am even going to a support group meeting tonight for people with depression and bipolar disorders. 

Really looking forward to that.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Isn't it funny how that sneaks up on you? I don't have depression, but I do have GAD. Every once in a while I get brave and go off my medicine. Can you guess what happens? Melt-down! I quit my meds in June and by January, it was so bad, I was laying in my bed shaking; I couldn't even get up without freaking out. I went back on my meds, and now I'm all better. 

I've never tried a support group; let us know how you like it!


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

I will definitely let you know! I didn't know about it before or I would have gone a long time ago! I think it will be nice to have an opportunity to hear how other people have the same struggles I do, or even be able to talk to be who honestly and truly understand how I feel because they have felt this way too.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Strawberry, I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. I've been on the other end of suicide attempts and counseled some friends when their loved ones attempted, and it is such a hard, horrible mess. I am so happy that you've made it through the worst part and now are making the climb back to recovery! 

I've also been suicidal in the past, when I was young. I was going through a very rough time in my life after the death of my mother, trying to rationalize and process a childhood colored by an unhappy family life and physical/emotional/psychological abuse. I found myself feeling trapped and suicidal when my marriage was circling the drain, and I often fantasized about just leaving work one day, walking down to the river and jumping off the bridge. 

But thankfully, those dark times are behind me. I still have issues with depression sometimes, and in fact I'm having some trouble now after losing my dream job. I'm trying to soldier on but it's definitely hard, especially since I have no health insurance right now. 

It's a very brave thing you are doing with talking about it in a public forum, and if I can be proud of a stranger on the internet, I'm definitely proud to see you facing up to your fears! 

Keep holding on!


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Aw, thank you Mulefeather! 

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, but I made it through a lot better than I did my last crappy day! I was in tears majority of the day, just wishing that I could find someone, anyone who understood how darn hard this is. I am busting my *** to try to get better, and every now and then I feel like it would be nice if someone could recognize how hard I am working. I am exhausted. It takes everything I have to convince myself to even get out of bed in the morning. AND THEN to go to work, go to counseling, to meetings, to do my household chores, work out (which is a commitment I have made with myself, so I feel like its really important that I follow through with it.) Just everything I do sucks the life out of me, but I am doing it anyway. It would be really easy to just sit back and say I am too darn tired for this. But I know the easy thing to do isn't going to get me as far as the hard way, through hard work and exhaustion. I just want someone to see how hard I am working. 

BUT there aren't a lot of people who even understand what its like to even be depressed, let alone having to scrape yourself up off the ground and try to figure out how to clean up the mess, and put all of my pieces back together. Or even find all the pieces that need to be put together. And to accept that there are pieces that I may never find again. 

Today is a new day, and I am grateful that I made it through yesterday. 

I am headed to a friend's lake house tonight and staying for the weekend. Just us, away from the world on a lake. I am bringing my dog, Samoa and plan to just relax and go fishing and swimming and possibly sailing. She is my best friend, and she has been in Ireland through all of this. I am so glad she is home, and I am really looking forward to seeing her and catching up! 

I want to thank everyone here again for your willingness to be on the receiving end of this, even though you don't know me. It honestly means more to me than any of you could possibly know.


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry4Me said:


> Aw, thank you Mulefeather!
> 
> I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, but I made it through a lot better than I did my last crappy day! I was in tears majority of the day, just wishing that I could find someone, anyone who understood how darn hard this is. I am busting my *** to try to get better, and every now and then I feel like it would be nice if someone could recognize how hard I am working. I am exhausted. It takes everything I have to convince myself to even get out of bed in the morning. AND THEN to go to work, go to counseling, to meetings, to do my household chores, work out (which is a commitment I have made with myself, so I feel like its really important that I follow through with it.) Just everything I do sucks the life out of me, but I am doing it anyway. It would be really easy to just sit back and say I am too darn tired for this. But I know the easy thing to do isn't going to get me as far as the hard way, through hard work and exhaustion. I just want someone to see how hard I am working.
> 
> ...


No words today; just a :hug:


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## AnrewPL (Jun 3, 2012)

Strawberry4Me said:


> Aw, thank you Mulefeather!
> 
> I had a pretty crappy day yesterday, but I made it through a lot better than I did my last crappy day! I was in tears majority of the day, just wishing that I could find someone, anyone who understood how darn hard this is. I am busting my *** to try to get better, and every now and then I feel like it would be nice if someone could recognize how hard I am working. I am exhausted. It takes everything I have to convince myself to even get out of bed in the morning. AND THEN to go to work, go to counseling, to meetings, to do my household chores, work out (which is a commitment I have made with myself, so I feel like its really important that I follow through with it.) Just everything I do sucks the life out of me, but I am doing it anyway. It would be really easy to just sit back and say I am too darn tired for this. But I know the easy thing to do isn't going to get me as far as the hard way, through hard work and exhaustion. I just want someone to see how hard I am working.
> 
> ...


I'd say you have a few people on this thread who understand, and been through similar things. You aren't alone, hang in there, I can guarantee that if you can push through things can get better, and the depression can actually go away; its a tough road but you are heading in the right direction. Well done, many haven't made it, and by getting past what you already have you have proven that you do have what it takes, so take a bit of pride in yourself, YOU have made it this far, you made the achievement and you are tough enough to keep it going. Congratulations. You have our support here.


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Thank you AnrewPL! 

Its been a few days since I have posted here. I have had a few great days and a few not-so-great days. I really wish people understood how hard I am trying. I am giving it everything I have. I am working in overdrive. 

I am still working on setting boundaries. Right now, my brain is operating on boundaries. It feels good to be able to set them, to know my limits, and to stick to my guns. I have been doing a lot od painting and sketching. I have been running and working out every day. I have been doing a lot of talking and a lot of processing within myself. I honestly feel like I am making progress, even if its very little right now. I have survived my bad days. I have made it through, and been able to look forward to a new day. 

I really need to learn how to let something bad happen in a day, and deal with it and move on. I tend to let one tiny thing ruin my entire day. One things can dictate how the rest of my day goes. I need to learn to set limits on things. I need to learn to allow and accept the bad things that happen, while not letting them ruin and take over the rest of my day. That is a really difficult thing to do. It's a good goal to have, and I am sure other people struggle with that too. I need to learn to get over it and move on!


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry4Me said:


> I really need to learn how to let something bad happen in a day, and deal with it and move on. I tend to let one tiny thing ruin my entire day. One things can dictate how the rest of my day goes. I need to learn to set limits on things. I need to learn to allow and accept the bad things that happen, while not letting them ruin and take over the rest of my day. That is a really difficult thing to do. It's a good goal to have, and I am sure other people struggle with that too. I need to learn to get over it and move on!


Maybe you can re-frame those bad things into learning experiences? Is whatever happened really bad? What makes it "bad"? Did something not go as planned? 

For example, I HATE sitting in traffic. I see it as a total waste of my time. But, what if I'm right where I'm supposed to be? 

Another example, I went to the barn to lunge my horse with the goal of getting her to relax, stretch down and build muscle. Is that what happened? No! She ran around like a fire-breathing dragon. Did that ruin my day? No, because she got great cardio exercise and I learned how not to panic when my horse panics. :shock:

You see it's not about avoiding "bad" things; it's about not judging things as good or bad. 

Horses are GREAT teachers because they always throw you a curve-ball when you least expect it. :wink:


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## Strawberry4Me (Sep 13, 2012)

Its been a while. I have kind of been busy doing my own thing. 

Sad news. My little brother and cousin died together in a car accident early Wednesday morning. They were drinking. 19 and 17. Our family is devastated, trying to grieve the loss of two beautiful boys. Prayers and thoughts for family would be really great right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

Strawberry4Me said:


> Its been a while. I have kind of been busy doing my own thing.
> 
> Sad news. My little brother and cousin died together in a car accident early Wednesday morning. They were drinking. 19 and 17. Our family is devastated, trying to grieve the loss of two beautiful boys. Prayers and thoughts for family would be really great right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh no :-(. Sending huggs, prayers and well wishes your way :hug:


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## Drifting (Oct 26, 2011)

so sad to hear that, thinking about you and your family.


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## Viranh (Apr 7, 2013)

Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending lots of good thoughts your way. That's such a terrible thing for any family to go through.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

I'm so sorry for your loss Strawberry :-( That is awful. Keeping you in my thoughts lately, keep holding on.


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## KsKatt (Jun 2, 2014)

Just kids. I often wonder how as many of us make it through our teen years as we do. The stupid, stupid things we do.
I am so sorry for all of you. You are and will be, in my prayers.:hug:


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## Emma2003 (Jan 9, 2014)

So sorry for the loss of your brother and your cousin, Strawberry.


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