# RIP Phantom - My World, My Heart, My Life



## Phantomcolt18

October 2010:

Sadly, things had started to go bad at the place where I boarded him. Phantom lost about 100+ pounds and they just said it was because he was old (at that time we thought he was 23) The woman who gave him to me and had always supported me suddenly turned cold and mean. I won't go into too many details but it was so very bad. Turns out they weren't feeding him the correct food I was buying for him and were giving him something of almost no nutritional value to him and that's why he lost all of the weight. 

I found an out through another friend, I had been riding their horse T.C. and instead of having me move Phantom far away and have to travel a great distance to ride both horses, they graciously took Phantom and me in. They were like a second family to me (and they still are. I may not agree with some of the ways they do things but I still love them.) 

We were able to turn Phantom out onto an 8 acre grass field with hay and the proper grain twice a day. Over that WINTER he gained all of the weight he ever lost back! With how hard it can be to get a horse to gain weight over the winter that's pretty amazing. It's amazing what the right food will do but the other people weren't listening to me. Phantom also received his first blanket that winter. I wasn't allowed to buy one for him at the old farm because they wouldn't use it. To quote the lady "Don't waste your money because we won't put it on him." 

Phantom was SO much happier at the new farm! He had another old horse, Poppy, and an old pony, Charlie, whom he became great buddies with! They were always grazing together. I couldn't wait to get Phantom ready for the new show season what with him being healthier and what not! I was sure we would have a great year! 

Around this time is when I made this promise to Phantom: When you're ready to retire, you just let me know old man and you're done. I promise.

Spring/Summer/Fall 2011:

The first three-quarters of the show season went great. My willing old man was still trying to run his heart out for me. Then one morning before a show he didn't want to get on the trailer. This was completely not like him. This is a horse that would follow me through fire if I asked him to. I tried again and he didn't act up just kind of stood there with his head low. I walked up to him and rubbed his head and said "Are you done boy?" He just kind of looked at me. I swear this horse knew every single word I ever said to him, he was that type of horse. There were only five shows left in the season and I asked him "There are only five shows left boy, would you mind finishing out the season for me?" Like I said before, I think he knew every word I said. He willing walked forward and loaded onto the trailer on his own. I barely touched the lead. 

Since he could do that for me I decided to let him set the pace the rest of the season he could go as fast or as slow as he wanted. He wanted to trot so I allowed him that much. That last show was hard. I wasn't ready to retire him but I had promised him that when he wanted to be done, I'd allow him to be done. I got permission from the show ground owners to, at the end of the show, do one final victory gallop. That was the place that brought us together in the first place, I thought it was only fitting. I brought him into the arena and gently urged him into a gallop and he did it with gusto! He was showing off for all who would look while I sat smiling and crying on his back, grateful for the moment. It was kind of the end of an era when I retired him. I always knew the day would come but I didn't know it would come so soon. 

After being checked over from the vet during Fall shots it was observed that his arthritis had gotten a bit worse, and he had developed low ringbone in one of his back legs. We put him on a joint supplement and he was happy and healthy. Since his swayback was getting worse, my saddle had stopped fitting him correctly so I just went out and we putted around bareback. He was happy for our short easy rides, as was I though I did miss the days we could gallop carelessly down the racetrack. He was still full of spunk out in the field, silly boy would buck and play like a two year old at times. It would worry me silly! 

Spring 2012

We had a new dentist come out to work on the horses' teeth. He was making his rounds and he got to Phantom and looked and felt in his mouth. He looked at me and said "How old did you say this horse was?" I said we thought he was about 25. He shook his head and said "Oh no no no, this horse is over 30." Turns out Phantom had almsot no teeth in the back and he said the angle of his teeth was more towards a 30 year old than a horse in their mid-twenties. I died a little on the inside. But then it all started to add up, the advanced arthritis, how quickly his back was swaying. I actually had to step back and look at my horse, that I had owned for 6 years and REALLY look at him. He looked old! We comapred him to my barn owner's 30 year old and their bodies looked nearly identical in againg. So it was then sadly that I put his age with the year and made him 32. (And if you're questioning that dentist, he is well known for being spot on with ages. We actaully like to check him when someone gets a new horse that has papers so we know the exact age. We'll ask him how old he thinks and 9.999 times out of 10 he's RIGHT on the money. So if he says my horse is a certain age I am sure to believe him. ) I cried that night but that just made me think of my next promise to Phantom. 

Promise: When you're ready to go boy, just let me know. I won't let you suffer for me. I promise. 

That Spring/Summer a lot of big things happened. I got a little mare named Lily, whom I actually grew to despise because she hated my guts and attacked me any chance she got! Turned out she only liked men because when a man handled her she melted like butter in their hands. Then I got my silly appy baby, Dice. Dice was the definition of an annoying little brother. Being the three year old he was he always wanted to play and Phantom being the grumpy old man had to put him in his place a few times. Poor old man would nail Dice and would look at me like "Sorry mom! But he was biting my hock, it hurt!" I couldn't help but laught because Phantom's attempts at correcting Dice were half-hearted at best. 

Over the next year and a half Phantom was there for me through a lot of ups and downs. We had been having difficulty of finding a farm of our own. I was training an overly smart, obnoxious three year old. And I was starting to silently disagree with a lot of the things my barn owners did(or rather didn't do.) I won't go into detail but I started to resent going to the barn. The fact that my old man needed his soaked hay pellet lunch every afternoon kept me going. I told him all of my problems and just hung out with him chatting. One night, after a bad argument with my dad, I went to the barn to talk to Phantom and ended up falling asleep in a pile of horse blankets in front of his stall. The barn owners got worried and came looking for me and found Phantom resting his mouth on my head and the barn cats curled up around me. 

To Be Continued Below...


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## Phantomcolt18

August 2014:

FINALLY FOUND A FARM! I was so excited! It needed a lot of work but I knew that soon I would be able to have my boys with me every day and I could take care of them the way I had wanted to. 

A bunch of people worked on the house to get it human ready while my friends and I set to work on the barn and fields. Long story short, we dug out the stalls, took down old fencing, put up new fencing, put mats in the stalls, and a bunch of other stuff! But it was finally safe for horses! 

Finally, October 28, 2014 was the day! The day that changed my life for the better! I hooked up my trailer early that morning and off my friend, sister, and I went to get my three boys, to bring them home! As I took Phantom from his buddy, old man Poppy, I cried. I locked my arms around Poppy's neck. He wasn't mine but I loved him and I would miss him. As I was caring for my senior horse I was also doing the same things for Poppy because he was a few years younger than Phantom and needed the same things. I had a sinking feeling it was the last time I was going to see him. I was right. That December, Poppy passed away at the age of 32. Rest his beautiful, beautiful soul.

The morning I found out about Poppy, I started to think. Phantom was about 34 now. I would have to prepare myself if something were to happen. I had a horrible sinking feeling I disclosed to my friend. I told her I had a horrible feeling I was going to lose Phantom soon. She said nonscence. The vet puts him in perfect health every time she comes out. Which I knew was true but I couldn't shake the feeling no matter how hard I tried. I did manage to lock it down in the way, far back of my mind. 
Around this time is when I asked Phantom to promise me something. 
The Promise: Phantom, please, when the time comes don't make me make the choice, I don't know if I'm strong enough. I know I promised I would let you go when the time came but if you could try to make it so I don't have to make the choice, I'd be forever grateful. 

After that all was well for a bit. He was happy, goofy, and getting away with murder. His favorite thing to do was escape from his stall and trot around the yard just out of reach. Silly old man. I would give him a break from the two younger ones by allowing him to roam the backyard and eat grass. He was always supervised, and most definitely spoiled rotten! 

In April, I had the scare of a lifetime. I let Phantom out of the field to graze, like I had done a HUNDRED times. I walked away for no more than 30 seconds to grab his halter and tell my dad Phantom was roaming free just a heads up. When I got back to Phantom his eyes were wide and foam was coming out of his nostrils. He was choking. I borderline panicked. 
I put his halter on and DRUG him up to the house calling for my dad and cousins who were working on something in the garage. I handed him the leadline while I called the vet. Once she was on her way I called my friend and told her I was scared I was going to lose him. He looked HORRIBLE. He was so tense and uncomfortable. I tried everything to help him but nothing was working. My friend had to get off of her lunch break so I called my old barn owner and talked to him because he always let me get out anything I was feeling without telling me to "Calm down." I did everything I could to keep him comfortable untilt he vet got there. My friend that I had talked to before him had left work and was there and ran to hug me while I bawled my eyes out. He had choked on longer "onion" grass, so his days of roaming free were over. Hay was removed and hay pellets increased to make up for it. 

The vet pulled in less than 5 minutes later and I swear to you the second her tires hit the driveway he passed the bloackage and was completely normal! My jaw dropped. He was drinking and trying to eat grass and I was shell shocked. She still tubed him to make sure it all went through and gave him stuff to make his throat contract and a 5 day antibiotic (which I was SO grateful for because he was NOT a fan of medications.) 

I was so freaked out by that situation that I aske my photographer friend if he could do a photoshoot of Phantom and I. He said of course. 
One week later Phantom and I were all prettied up for our photoshoot. Phantom was a STAR. He was his usual happy-go-lucky photogenic self. We got so many pictures that day that I will treasure forever. 

The next couple of months went by smoothly. The Summer was hot and dry and buggy. I doused my boys in flyspray multiple times a day. Especially poor Phantom, the flies seemed to love him, probably because he was so sweet. He was still happy as a clam though! Then one day as I was leading Phantom in to eat his dinner he bumped his head on the gate latch. Out of character for him as he is usually very aware of his surroundings. *Side story- Once I was upset about my dog passing and hugging Phantom. I was in between him and a concrete barn. Out of nowhere the lead mare came barreling towards him to get him and his only means of escape were to turn into me and knock me over or turn into the mare. He looked at me and then threw himself in the mare's path so he wouldn't hurt me. I was shocked. Any other horse I knew would have just run me over to save their butt*

So when I had the vet come out to do Fall shots I had her check his eyes. He was developing cataracts but the vet said for 35 they were very, very underdeveloped. I just had to be his eyes a bit more than usual which I was completely okay with. 

After that everything was normal. Phantom being his usual self, always getting a special soft Nickermaker molasses treat every time after he ate. Did I mention he was spoiled rotten. He had his own treats and the other two were not allowed to have any haha. And October marked a year at the farm! We were happy and everything was normal. Up until that moment.

To Be Continued Below...


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## lostastirrup

So sorry you lost him. he sounds incredible. Praying for you.


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## Phantomcolt18

This next part is hard for me to write so bare with me, but it helps me to talk about it. Keep in mind all of the "Hard" stuff happened within less than 30 minutes but it felt like forever. 

November 5, 2015: 

I came home from work and headed out to feed the boys. Phantom was standing at his gate nickering to me like always. He was ALWAYS first to come in to eat, mostly because he got so much and it took him a bit to eat it. He led in normal, trotting at my side to his stall because I let him get away with everything. After 35years on this earth he deserved it! He dove into his grain with his usual gusto. 

Throughout the rest of the feeding time I was also texting my friend because they were looking for hay and I was trying to help them out. TC and Dice finished their grain and I turned them out. Phantom finished his and had his head draping over the stall door like usual. As I opened the door he started to move back and then his face went hard and he just stood there still. I thought it was odd but then he turned back to me. I draped the leadline over his neck and lead him out. (I later learned the cause of his unual pause.)

His usual routine is to turn around, hang his head over the gate and nicker for me to bring him a treat. He turned scraped the ground with his hoof for a second and then walked away. I was mid-text with my friend when he laid down in an upright position. I added on to the text saying "I just turned Phantom out from eating and he laid down, this is unusual for him should I be worried?" I'm a known worrywart, especially when it came to Phantom. She said "When he gets up listen for gut sounds and do a temp." As I read that text he tried to roll. 

As I ran to the house for my first aid kit I sent her a quick text "Crap he tried to roll getting therm now. Stand by." I grabbed the first aid kit and flew back out to the barn and put his halter on and brought him in the barn and tied him to a stall and listened for gut sounds. He had a TON of gut sounds. Weird. I shot my friend a quick text saying "Tons of gut sounds. Doing temp now." As I was trying to take his temp he was frantic. Moving back and forth and I very much later realized he was trying to lay down. His temperature was completely normal. Very weird.

I decided I needed to get him out of the barn in case he decided to go down again. I made it 10 ft from his stall door and he collapsed in the barn aisle. I franitcally dialed my friend whom I had just been texting about him and told her he was down and I couldn't get him up. I was in full blown panic now. This was my world lying scrunched up on the floor of my barn aisle and I was home alone. I was so frantic that she had to scream at me screaming "Listen to me! Cassie! Listen to my voice. Listen to my voice right now!" For a split moment I calmed enough to hear her say "Call Dr.S, get him up and out of the barn and I will be there as soon as I can." 

I relunctantly hung up the phone. I was terrified he or I was going to get hurt if he thrashed because my barn aisle isn't huge and the walls are concrete. I was finally able to pull him to his feet and I hustled him outside to his field. Once I got him out there he collapsed again. I was already calling the vet's emergency number. Bless that woman on the phone I was hysterical and she still managed to understand my information I babbled to her. She said she was paging her now and Dr. S would call me as soon as possible. 

After I hung up with her I called my dad asking when he was going to be home. He asked why and I said something is wrong with Phantom the vet is on the way. And then the vet was calling on the other line and I had to hang up without giving him any more information. I could hear her rushing around while she was asking me questions about what was happening, did I give him any meds, etc. She said she'd be there in 20 minutes. 

I was alone in the dark waiting for people to help me. I was completely helpless. Phantom kept going down then getting up. I tried as hard as I could to prevent rolling. And by this time he was sweating PROFUSELY. I wanted to give him banamine but I was terrified to leave his side. 

I called my old barn owner because I needed someone. I kept telling him everything that was happpening. How I thought it was colic but he had gut sounds and he didn't have a fever. And how he was sweating really bad. He said he was on his way but would stay on the phone with me. Then Phantom stood up and pooped and I said "It's not colic." And my old BO said "What what happened?" I said he had just pooped a big pile and he agreed it wasn't colic. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop Phantom from thrashing on the ground. It was strange though he would be in pain on the ground and then when he stood up he was completely normal and then after a few steps he'd crash again. 

One instance he was on the ground and his body was so stiff. His legs were up diagonally and I couldn't push them down. Whenever I would move he'd reach out to touch me with his head like he didn't want me to leave. I touched his cheek and my heart sank. You know the feeling beneath the skin when the blood starts to slow so it feels kind of like silly putty? I felt that and screamed "Oh God no!" My old barn owner asked what was happening now and I cried "I think I'm losing him!" After that it was me repeating over and over (with my old BO still on the Phone) "Please Phantom, please don't go. I don't want to lose you. I'm not ready to lose you. Please don't leave me boy. I love you. Please don't go!" I was desperately clutching his head while on my knees in the dirt begging him to stay with me. 

I finally got him up when I heard a car horn honking, the friend I had been texting (we'll call her K from here on out) had just pulled in. I told my old BO and he said he was going to get off the phone so he could drive. K ran over to me and grabbed Phantom's lead line and said "Lean on me." I said I was fine and she said "No I would feel a lot better if you leaned on me, you look like you're going to fall." So I did and she hugged me and told me to run to her truck and grab the cooler she brought. Phantom was dripping sweat and I didn't want him to get a chill so I left his side to do that. No sooner did I do that did the vet show up. 

We walked Phantom to the spotlight and K held his side while I held his head. I remember the vet listening to his heart and I remember thinking "She's standing there for too long, she's there for too long. What's wrong, why is she still listening?" Then she looked up at me and said "With the amount of pain he is in and how much he's sweating, I'd expect his heart rate to be through the roof but it's barely there, Cass. I think it's best to put him down." I LOST it. If she hadn't of rushed forward and grabbed me I would have hit the ground. She held me and told me how sorry she was. I choked out that I have to call my dad and tell him and we have to wait for him I can't do it without him there. She said okay and she would give him a high dose of sedative and pain meds so he wouldn't feel anything. I walked my boy one final walk to the middle of the back yard where the lighting was best. Then I called my dad and told him and he said he was 10 minutes out, I asked Dr. S if that was okay and she said yes, Phantom won't be in pain while we wait. 

She gave him the pain meds and K and I sat with him just talking to him and loving on him. I was literally holding his head up. He was acting like normal, allbeit sleepy, Phantom. But he wasn't acting painful anymore. I told him how much I loved him and even got him some of his treats. He didn't really want them but always the gentleman he took them chewed them and dropped them. And I let him nibble on some grass since he hadn't been able to have it the last few months. The vet let me listen to his heart because she said she believed something ruptured because it was kind of a beat~beat~sucking noise~, it was really hard to hear, his heart sounded a million miles away. 

My dad pulled in and quickly jumped into my truck ot move my trailer out of the way of the spotlight so we had more light. The vet checked for a digital pulse and said "Cass, I really don't understand how he is still standing he doesn't have a pulse, I can't find a pulse." I looked at him in amazement that he was still standing. Then I realized I had been holding his head up the entire time. I backed away and said "You can lay down if you want boy, I know you're tired." He took two steps and slowly laid down as if he was going to take a nap. At this moment the vet was walking back with the euthanasia drugs and my old BO and his son pulled in and K was frantically calling him over to us. 

Phantom seemed to stop breathing before the vet got back to us and I kept crying saying "It's okay bud you can go, I'll be alright it's okay." I thought he was gone but then he heaved himself back into breathing again. I just kept crying "No Phantom you can go, Mommy will be okay. I love you so much you can go. You can go if you need to." 

Everyone was around us by this time and the vet was administering the drug. And she sat with me by his head talking to me while I talked to him. I kept telling him "Mommy loves you Phantom it's okay. You can go, Mommy will be okay." And he started nickering to me. I started to lose it more I just kept repeating to him how much I loved him and he could go and he kept nickering back to me. I hadn't realized it at the time but everyone said when he was nickering to me it was like the world went quiet. His eye never left my face and he nickered to me while I talked to him until he took that final sigh. And just like that the biggest part of me was gone. I kept telling him I loved him and I would miss him and how he was such a good old man. 

The vet confirmed he was gone and oddly enough I felt at peace. It hurt me so, so much to see him in pain and finally having him not be in pain anymore felt so much better. I knew he wasn't in pain and I had been able to be with him while he passed. I was so terrified I would go out one morning and find him gone, but that didn't happen. I had been with him and I was last last thing he saw and heard. That brought me peace. 

After, my vet hugged me and I said "Thank you." and she looked at me and said "Oh no honey, thank YOU. You have no idea how refreshing it is to see someone, especially someone as young as you, have so much love for such an elderly horse. Many people toss them aside when they're no longer of use. We need more caring people like you in the world, dear. Thank you for loving this old guy until the end of his days." 

Bless my vet to the ends of the earth and beyond because that woman is wonderful and she's getting flowers when she comes out for Spring shots. She stayed FOREVER with us to help and make sure everything was alright. I brought the other two over to say goodbye and they each rested their nose on him for a few seconds before asking to walk away. We gave Phantom a final brushing because he'd gotten so dirty from rolling. I even picked his hooves and we braided his mane and tail so I could take them. The ritual was oddly soothing. We all talked and laughed about the old times with Phantom, silly things he had done how much he loved me and I him. It was very calm after he was gone. 

My dad called the crematorium and unfortunately they wouldn't be able to come out to get Phantom until the morning so we all covered him in his cooler and sheet and then we all said our final love before covering him up with a tarp for the night. My dad's friend even offered to come stand watch all night to make sure nothing got him. We told him it was okay. I was probably going to be up all night anyway.

I said goodbye and thank you to my wonderful vet and then my wonderful friends went above and beyond for me. They removed Phantom's already set up morning grain ration from the buckets and dumped it then placed it in his stall so I wouldn't have to see it in the morning and then they helped me rake the spot that Phantom had been thrashing in so I didn't have to see it in the morning, did I mention it was pitch black out. 

We made our way into the house and my Old BO and his son left. K told me I needed to eat because I hadn't eaten since lunch that day so she helped me up to the bathroom to shower while my dad ran and grabbed food somewhere. I felt better once I got out of the shower. And then K forced me to eat the food placed in front of me and had me drink a ton of water and take Aleve because my head was pounding. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt. She offered to stay the night and feed up in the morning for me but I said it was okay, it was something I had to do. 

I slept that night. I didn't think I would. I was up every so often to check on him, but I'm surprised I slept. The next morning I woke up and cried. My dad asked if I was okay and if I wanted him to feed the boys for me. I said no I had to do it and he said "Okay well take your time, if you need me I'm here." Needless to say, I got through it. It was hard but I got through it and practically ran to the house where my mommom met me to be with me for a while. Soon after the crematorium picked him up, they were so kind and respectful. I didn't watch but I said one final goodbye and my dad stayed with him and he said they were very, very respectful. I got his ashes and a clay hoof print back less than a week later. A month later I got a card from Rutgers Agriculture Center saying my vet had made a donation in his name and a name plate with Phantom's name now held a spot on the memorial wall. 

I miss him so much and it is so very hard. My birthday last month would have been 9 years that I owned him. August was 9 years that I'd known him so we reached that milestone. I keep forgetting he's gone even though it's been two months. I haven't been able to touch his stall yet. His last hoof prints are still in the brand new clean bedding and I can't bring mysef to get rid of them. I touch his halter every day and say I love you old man. He was THAT horse. That one horse that you get that just seems to run on the same wavelength that you do. I swear he always knew what I was saying. I thank God I have my other two because if I hadn't have had them, I don't know how I would have gotten through it but they needed me so I had no choice. 

I do feel at peace though. I'm not worried about him hurting. I'm not worried if he's too cold. I'm not worried if he's eating enough. And most importantly, I'm not worried about when I'm going to lose him. And I haven't lost him, he'll always be with me. I know that now. And he kept the promise I asked him. He didn't make me make the choice, it was a black and white situation. There was absolutely nothing I or the best vet in the entire world could have done to save him. I think that made it a little easier, because I knew it was the end and there was nothing else that could be done. There's no what if's. I will forever be grateful I didn't have to make the decision. And he's now strong and healthy and arthritis free with his two best friends, Poppy and Charlie. 

Rest in peace my sweet old boy. I will love you forever and you'll always, ALWAYS be in my heart. I cherish the memories we made together and hold them close when I am sad. I love you so much old man. 

Phantom
March 1980 - November 5, 2015 

Pictures To Follow...


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## Phantomcolt18




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## Skyseternalangel

Oh god your posts absolutely killed my wall of no-emotion; I am ugly crying

What an amazing horse, and a beautiful partnership. I'm so glad that you stood up for him till the very end, he is ever so deserving

He will forever be in your heart, thank you for sharing his memory with us


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## 3rdTimestheCharm

I read every word- what a lovely tribute to him! He sounds like he was amazing, and you two had a great bond. I love those photos. They are lovely =) 

I'm very sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing this with us. It was very touching.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elle1959

Tears here, as well. I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## egrogan

Thank you for telling the story of your partnership so beautifully. I am so sorry for the loss of your gallant old man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Knave

I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you had each other. He was a lucky old man and you a lucky young girl. The perfect match.


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## Jan1975

I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like an amazing horse with whom you had a very special connection.


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## jenkat86

Absolutely beautiful words for a beautiful partnership. I'm sorry you are hurting and for your loss. Some are never so lucky to have such a relationship with _anything_ like that.


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## dkb811

I can barely see to type right now. So sorry for your loss, he was truly loved.


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## tinyliny

Beautifully told. So sorry that you've lost you old gentleman.


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## Twalker

My heart is breaking for you. You had a very special bond with Phantom and he you. He was a beautiful boy and you could tell he was very happy. :loveshower::loveshower::loveshower:


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## Hoofpic

That was very hard to read. Got me very emotional. Sorry to hear this OP but you did great and were a wonderful person for him. He is very cute, I love grays so much.


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## Golden Horse

SO sorry for your loss, but how lucky you both were to have found each other. I love the pics he was a grand old man, such a noble face











I have to say that is one of the most moving things I have read in a long time. Later on you should take that story and send it off to one of the horse magazines for printing...


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## JCnGrace

What a wonderful tribute. I'm so sorry your 4-legged best friend is gone now. The fact that he was so loved tells all of us what a truly great horse he was.


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## Phantomcolt18

Thank you everyone. I knew, with his age, it was coming I just never wanted to believe it. It's horrible. Waves of grief hit me at unexpected times and it's just that I miss him so much. 

The other day at a tack shop I saw a big bucket of MSM was on sale and I said aloud "Oh we're out! I can pick this up for Phantom!" and my friend who was with me just kind of looked at me and then I remembered. You get stuck in a routine for so long that it's hard. I have to stop myself from saying three when people ask how many horses I have. 

I've become overly sensitive about my other horses. Any time they cough or groan I mildly panic and check vitals. I'm just terrified I'm going to lose one of them next. Everyone says it will pass, I sure hope so. 

Whenever I fill up Dice's stall bucket I can't help but look across the aisle at Phantom's stall, hoping to see his big goofy head looking back at me, wide, kind eyes and nicking pretty much demanding a treat. He was so spoiled, he could have gotten away with murder with just one look. 

I wish I could just hug him, or smell him one more time. Nothing smells like him anymore. Not his tail, mane, or halter. I miss it. He always got a hug and kiss when I turned him out and while doing so I would just inhale his smell. (I can only say that to horse people, non-horse people definitely don't get it and think I'm some strange creature. 

I have an idea for a memorial video I'd like to make him, but I can't bring myself to get started yet. 

Thank you everyone for your kind words, the last part was so hard to write but in telling it, it reminds me that there was absolutely _nothing _I could do. I won't allow myself to travel down the road of what if's. As strange as it sounds I will treasure those last few moments with him because he was not in pain while most of the people who loved he and I surrounded us as he peacefully fell asleep. 

The hardest part was him nickering to me. He was always a big talker. And I'm not trying to humanize him but I definitely think the nickers had something to do with affection towards me. I mean, they nicker to us at feeding, when they see us, to their foals, to other equine members in the herd as a greeting and sound of affection right? They were his normal affectionate nickers as they always were. I don't know, like I said I'm not trying to humanize him any way but I can't help but hope those nickers were definitely for me. And his eye stayed locked on me the entire time. 

Some days I really just want him back. He was my rock, and not to say my other two don't "listen" when I tell them my problems but it's different. When I try to talk to them it's like they're too preoccupied with themselves, with Phantom it felt like he was giving me his undivided attention, like he knew I needed him. 

I just really, really miss him and I know I always will. I just wish I could feel normal again. Everyone asks if I'm getting another horse, to "fill the empty stall" so to speak. I know they mean well but it's almost like "How dare you suggest I put another horse in his stall! That's HIS stall!."


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## Phantomcolt18

Golden Horse said:


> SO sorry for your loss, but how lucky you both were to have found each other. I love the pics he was a grand old man, such a noble face
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> I have to say that is one of the most moving things I have read in a long time. Later on you should take that story and send it off to one of the horse magazines for printing...


Thank you. And really? I wouldn't think anyone would be interested in this sort of thing.


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## Phantomcolt18

I made this video of Phantom back in 2013. It's one of my favorites. All of the riding shots are from well before he retired in probably 2011. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_N6BIqPVQg


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## Phantomcolt18

And this was a video I made in 2012 right after he retired. His retirement was hitting me hard. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3lzVJRf34Dk


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## Phantomcolt18

And this was my favorite video I've made of him. I can't believe this was 2011 where does the time go?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHt3sMvFfbg


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## Werecat

Oh man this whole thread has had be bawling my eyes out. 

Those videos are beautiful. The bond you had was beautiful. Thanks for sharing your story with us. 

Rest easy, kind soul. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Phantomcolt18

Thank you, he was most definitely my world. I still haven't cleared his stall yet. I picked up his halter the other day from the hook and the leather is so stiff because it hasn't been used =( I'm eventually going to put a shadow box together with some of our old ribbons, pictures, his mane, his halter, and a few other things. 

I am currently in the process of writing up a memorial script for him. I'm hoping to do one last video of him and I want to make it wonderful. 

Just the other day I was going through my books to get some that my friend wanted to borrow and I came across one called "Angel Horses" I had forgotten what it was about and I opened it to read the description and I found a DVD of Phantom from a few years ago. I have no idea why I put it in the book because I ALWAYS put DVDs in their paper sleeves. I haven't watched it yet, I'm a bit nervous to.


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## HunterEq95

This is very touching. I am glad you got to have such a wonderful horse and many wonderful memories with him. He sounds like he was a magnificent horse.


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