# Cant understand my daughter



## calicokatt (Mar 5, 2012)

It took me until the day before my parents sold my pony (23 years ago) to finally have to confidence to open him up and run. I trained that pony myself, and yet there was just something about speed that scared me. I don't think there was much that anyone could have done to help, either. I had to decide on my own that I was ready, and when I finally did, OMG IT WAS AWESOME!!! She may never want to run, but if she ever truly does, she will. 
Kathy


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

calicokatt said:


> It took me until the day before my parents sold my pony (23 years ago) to finally have to confidence to open him up and run. I trained that pony myself, and yet there was just something about speed that scared me. I don't think there was much that anyone could have done to help, either. I had to decide on my own that I was ready, and when I finally did, OMG IT WAS AWESOME!!! She may never want to run, but if she ever truly does, she will.
> Kathy


Thank you for your input.

I hope she can let go of her fear and just let loose, i remember when i first started reining, the adrenaline rush became an addiction. I think she sees the fun other people have doing these kind of disciplines and she wants to join in that excitement to. I just don't put pressure on her because im afraid it will back fire.


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

For an entire year I paid for lessons where my daughter cried while mounting, at 11. She was scared, and openly admitted it, but was dying to ride. 
I then put it all in her hands. We acquired a rescue horse, and she poured all her fears into that horse. I made that horse HERS, feeding, cleaning, groundwork training, and continued lessons on her schoolmaster barn pony. As her confidence grew of her own accord, her fears died. One day I looked out, and she was cantering circles and jumping a small jump, the child who had been crying. NOW, 2 years later, she's cantering that green rescue horse, jumping her and telling her how it's gonna be!! Long story short, it's up to her to own it, put the tools there, and give her the responsibility. It will come or she just doesn't want it bad enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandy2u1 (May 7, 2008)

It really sounds like to me that your daughters only interest in horses is for social reason. I absolutely would not buy her another horse. If anything at all, I would do lessons.

I am also concerned about the message you are sending your daughter. When she got tired of her wp horse and quit riding, you basically paid someone else to do it. Kids need to learn to take responsibility for their animals. When your daughter did not have her friend at 4h, she completely left her horse. If I were you, I'd make your daughter start coming to the barn and taking care of her horse. Animals are not dispensable and your daughter needs to learn that. If your daughter had to clean up after her horse, feed and ride the horse even when it wasn't a social engagement, I think she would have a whole different attitude. 

Make her clean her stall, clean, groom and ride her horse. You will see a different attitude.


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

It sounds like she gets to do whatever she wants, and doesnt see a horse as an animal but rather a thing, I would start with barrel lessons to see if she has got what it takes and go from there. I dont like the fact that she gets to go through horses like they are nothing. I work my butt off to get my first horse at 16 and that is all i wanted. What happens once she gets her licence, is she still going to want a horse still?? It sounds like she wants to do speed events because other kids do. What happens when they quit those too...


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

sandy2u1 said:


> It really sounds like to me that your daughters only interest in horses is for social reason. I absolutely would not buy her another horse. If anything at all, I would do lessons.
> 
> I am also concerned about the message you are sending your daughter. When she got tired of her wp horse and quit riding, you basically paid someone else to do it. Kids need to learn to take responsibility for their animals. When your daughter did not have her friend at 4h, she completely left her horse. If I were you, I'd make your daughter start coming to the barn and taking care of her horse. Animals are not dispensable and your daughter needs to learn that. If your daughter had to clean up after her horse, feed and ride the horse even when it wasn't a social engagement, I think she would have a whole different attitude.
> 
> Make her clean her stall, clean, groom and ride her horse. You will see a different attitude.


I do not disagree, i just thought with her being so young it was vital she social with people interested in her riding discipline. I do feel like she thinks mom is some kind of a black portal of never ending money she can just spend and spend every time she wants something new. I wasn't raised spoiled, and i had to work for everything i got, i guess i just wanted my children to enjoy what i never got to, in the end it might be getting out of control. Don't get me wrong, she isn't a bad child, but she is really shy, and emotional. So i just kind of lean in to her ways sometimes, however i made it clear were not going to see any horses to purchase. My husband just keeps poking the lion with this situation, and makes crude jokes about how her 8 year old brother can ride better than her, it really does not help anything :-x


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

Then you end up with a barrel horse you have just purchased. She isnt happy with what she is getting, that would have not gone over good with my parents back in the day


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

Ohhhh they hubby shouldnt say that to his daughter  that isnt helping at all, thats probably why she want to do speed events in the first place! Sounds like a girl i know, they just got a horse and everything and she isnt even grateful for it, she is already thing about her future barrel horse (may i remind you she is 13) and she cant even slow gallop on her WP mare she has, who has a rocking chair lope


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Casey02 said:


> Then you end up with a barrel horse you have just purchased. She isnt happy with what she is getting, that would have not gone over good with my parents back in the day


My parents would be the same way, you got what you got back in my day. My mother (her grandmother) thinks she needs therapy because she is to shy and very sensitive. I thought joining 4h and making friends would help her break out of that, in which it did some what.


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

Its great she met a friend but its sad that her friend is leaving soon, i think 4-h is a great thing for younger kids to be in!


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Casey02 said:


> Its great she met a friend but its sad that her friend is leaving soon, i think 4-h is a great thing for younger kids to be in!


I believe 4-h is wonderful for children as well, but when she did western pleasure a lot of the kids were snobby to her, and she just kind of shuts down. I don't know how to help her make friends .


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

Maybe seeing a thearipist would be a good thing? Its not just for crazy people, maybe she just needs to get somethings out?


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Casey02 said:


> Maybe seeing a thearipist would be a good thing? Its not just for crazy people, maybe she just needs to get somethings out?



Im not against the idea, i just don't know how to approach her about it. Do i just set up an appointment and tell her shes going no matter what??


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## KaleylovesCharm (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm 13, I used to think to be told that you can only have certain horse for certain disciplines. HA! I laugh at that now as that was 4 years ago. I bought my first horse as an 8 year old(now 12) and she was trained under saddle and had some experience. I completed her training. And now she does ALL western disciplines(halter-to cutting you name it) and has done some level 1, 2 dressage. I have met many girls, my age, who have wanted horses only for social purposes and to 'make them look good'. I have NEVER had that outlook. I want horses for a career. It sounds as though your daughter is taking control. I agree COMPLETELY that she needs to take responsibility. I groom, ride, and take FULL care of my baby, Charm. And my dad's horse, Boston, as he is out of town for several months. I would suggest not getting her another horse at all, if she wants another horse make HER train it like I did mine. There are good all around horses out there you know, take mine for example, she never refuses anything. It would bring your daughter a lot closer to horses. Good luck!


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## sandy2u1 (May 7, 2008)

> I do not disagree, I just thought with her being so young it was vital she social with people interested in her riding discipline. I do feel like she thinks mom is some kind of a black portal of never ending money she can just spend and spend every time she wants something new. I wasn't raised spoiled, and I had to work for everything I got, I guess I just wanted my children to enjoy what I never got to, in the end it might be getting out of control. Don't get me wrong, she isn't a bad child, but she is really shy, and emotional. So I just kind of lean in to her ways sometimes, however I made it clear were not going to see any horses to purchase. My husband just keeps poking the lion with this situation, and makes crude jokes about how her 8 year old brother can ride better than her, it really does not help anything :-x



What bothers me more than her thinking that you are the never ending money supply is that she sees horses as objects. I understand that you want her to enjoy the social aspect of horses. I really think you mean well. However, she has a far more important lesson that needs learning. She needs to learn that animals are living beings and must be cared for no matter what. Make her get out there and clean stalls, feed and water. Make her ride her horse for the sole purpose of giving him exercise. 

When she understands that horses are living beings that cannot be disposed of and knows that she will have to care for the horse even when she tires of it, then she will be able to better tell you whether she wants another horse or not.


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## Country Woman (Dec 14, 2011)

sadly you daughter sounds like a spoiled princess


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

I think you should talk to her and explain that its not a bad thing its for the better that she talks to someone, and when she is in there they thearipst can get in to the horses talk with her, i wouldnt go buying anymore horses thought haha, there is no reason she cant use the horses you already have


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

sandy2u1 said:


> What bothers me more than her thinking that you are the never ending money supply is that she sees horses as objects. I understand that you want her to enjoy the social aspect of horses. I really think you mean well. However, she has a far more important lesson that needs learning. She needs to learn that animals are living beings and must be cared for no matter what. Make her get out there and clean stalls, feed and water. Make her ride her horse for the sole purpose of giving him exercise.
> 
> When she understands that horses are living beings that cannot be disposed of and knows that she will have to care for the horse even when she tires of it, then she will be able to better tell you whether she wants another horse or not.



She never stopped grooming her or paying attention to her, she just stopped riding her. Basically, she feels like its no longer fun to ride her mare, so then we started back up lessons, and then when spring started coming she started riding my husbands gelding. Normally she doesn't get a lot of lessons, because 1. i can teach her riding from my 30 years experience, and 2. at this point there just repeating what shes already been told and knows how to do, shes just not applying it. My daughter does know how to ride, she just cuts herself short, and whenever i try and help her by pushing her a bit she gets really emotional.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

I agree w sandy2, I would not give her another horse if she neglected to care for and ride the first. Its either a passion, or it is not.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Wow, while I must say it's a little crazy to just buy her whatever she wants I also think it's crazy to just jump in and say she's a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants..15 is a tough age, and if she's trying to stick with her friends or make new friends by switching disciplines so what? If she has to WANT to do it and work for it, I see it as character building. It would suck to be the only crazed hormonal teenage girl who is already having some confidence issues, and she's just trying to fit in and keep up with her friends...Do you blame her? 

That said, I think she just needs a dose of self confidence...Dad needs to stop picking on her and encourage her.. You both need to basically say "For us to get serious with you about running barrels you're going to get serious also, you can't expect us to pay for the horse and all of the things you're going to need and you just sit by. You have to get over this hump and try harder.." Honestly, it will probably benefit her to fall one time..Once that fear is gone and she gets back on she'll be a MUCH better rider..The ground isn't as hard as she's made it seem to herself.. Don't baby her, make her do it.. and if she wants to stop WP I would tell her, in order to have a barrel horse, "you need to sale your WP horse. The money you have from your WP horse will go towards your barrel horse, but for us to take the barrels seriously, you have to show us you're serious."

Don't tell her how dangerous it can be over and over again..She knows, but as soon as she gets scared and tries to close up. MAKE her push through it..She'll probably cry a good bit..but it is SOOO much better and easier on you all to buy a finished horse who already knows his job. She'll just get frustrated with the whole deal riding a horse who doesn't know what it's doing and she's a beginner also. That said, a finished barrel horse doesn't have to be old or near retirement..There are other horses out there who are suitable for a beginner who are great confidence builders...

The biggest piece of advice I can give you both is to make her push through that fear, even if you have to get harsh with her. That will make her push harder..MAKE HER WORK FOR IT. Let her groom, clean stalls, work around the barn..The whole deal..She isn't a princess and has to do her share.

While some young riders may be successful with training their own horse, a 15 year old with confidence issues is NOT capable of training her own horse, much less for barrels.

This coming from a serious barrel racer who went through that same stage and lack of confidence.. You can PM me if you like, I'd love to talk to her.


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

You either have the horse gene or you dont, your daughter sounds like she has no interest


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Missy May said:


> I agree w sandy2, I would not give her another horse if she neglected to care for and ride the first. Its either a passion, or it is not.


She isn't getting a new horse, she may look all she wants, but neither me nor my husband plan on taking her to view any of them. The only reason were selling her mare is, its not the horses fault, shes a good horse and a superb show horse. I don't ride western pleasure, and i won't let this good girl waste because my daughter may have got bored with her. Im sure another child or adult would love to enjoy what my daughter no longer does.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

starrylake said:


> My daughter does know how to ride, she just cuts herself short, and whenever i try and help her by pushing her a bit she gets really emotional.


OH! Hahaha, that isn't "getting emotional", that is the "what _many_ kids do when their parents try to teach them" phenomena. I don't care if you wrote the book on it, it is often far harder for a parent to teach their children than it is for a total stranger, for some _odd_ reason. Go figure.


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

DrumRunner said:


> Wow, while I must say it's a little crazy to just buy her whatever she wants I also think it's crazy to just jump in and say she's a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants..15 is a tough age, and if she's trying to stick with her friends or make new friends by switching disciplines so what? If she has to WANT to do it and work for it, I see it as character building. It would suck to be the only crazed hormonal teenage girl who is already having some confidence issues, and she's just trying to fit in and keep up with her friends...Do you blame her?
> 
> That said, I think she just needs a dose of self confidence...Dad needs to stop picking on her and encourage her.. You both need to basically say "For us to get serious with you about running barrels you're going to get serious also, you can't expect us to pay for the horse and all of the things you're going to need and you just sit by. You have to get over this hump and try harder.." Honestly, it will probably benefit her to fall one time..Once that fear is gone and she gets back on she'll be a MUCH better rider..The ground isn't as hard as she's made it seem to herself.. Don't baby her, make her do it.. and if she wants to stop WP I would tell her, in order to have a barrel horse, "you need to sale your WP horse. The money you have from your WP horse will go towards your barrel horse, but for us to take the barrels seriously, you have to show us you're serious."
> 
> ...



Thank you for your input.

I see from your picture it looks like you ride barrels yourself, i will admit, im afraid to push her. Incase she does fall off, or just gives up on horses all together because moms going to just bully her. My husband isn't grasping the fact that she has low self esteem, oh and believe me, she cries plenty, and i hardly push her. I think the toughest i've ever been on her is telling her she can't hang out with her friend for a week if she didn't try galloping under saddle. The thing is, she has galloped before, and hasn't fallen off. So im just not understanding why shes afraid, how can you fear what hasn't even happened??


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

starrylake said:


> She isn't getting a new horse, she may look all she wants, but neither me nor my husband plan on taking her to view any of them. The only reason were selling her mare is, its not the horses fault, shes a good horse and a superb show horse. I don't ride western pleasure, and i won't let this good girl waste because my daughter may have got bored with her. Im sure another child or adult would love to enjoy what my daughter no longer does.


Oh, sorry, misunderstood.

Well, ya might want to just consider one possibility - that it is your passion, not hers. My daughter wanted to "do" english, something I had no knowledge of...so, off we went w hunter/jumper stuff. It was a slower start than I expected for her, but then, bam! She excelled quickly and beautifully, then she was on top of her game, showed and did well, and then bam! she lost interest. She lost interest somewhere in that time line long before she finally told me she had - she thought it was important to _me_ that she loved and interacted w horses - and that I would be horribly dissappointed if she did not share my enthusiasm. That was not the case, of course! I honestly believed she loved it and never even thought she might be doing it "for me"! Nor did I ever intentionally push her in that direction. Needless to say, I was sorry she ever felt that way! Clearly, you are very involved w horses, you might step back and examine whether she feels any such "pressure" - just to eliminate the possibility.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

starrylake said:


> She isn't getting a new horse, she may look all she wants, but neither me nor my husband plan on taking her to view any of them. The only reason were selling her mare is, its not the horses fault, shes a good horse and a superb show horse. I don't ride western pleasure, and i won't let this good girl waste because my daughter may have got bored with her. Im sure another child or adult would love to enjoy what my daughter no longer does.


If you don't want to buy another horse I would at least get your daughter and the horse you already have to a barrel trainer for a few lessons..Barrel racing is a whooole different ball field than WP.



starrylake said:


> I see from your picture it looks like you ride barrels yourself, i will admit, im afraid to push her. Incase she does fall off, or just gives up on horses all together because moms going to just bully her. My husband isn't grasping the fact that she has low self esteem, oh and believe me, she cries plenty, and i hardly push her. I think the toughest i've ever been on her is telling her she can't hang out with her friend for a week if she didn't try galloping under saddle. The thing is, she has galloped before, and hasn't fallen off. So im just not understanding why shes afraid, how can you fear what hasn't even happened??


Throughout the years and the lessons I've given the biggest problem with someone fearing something that they haven't ever experienced is just that..They've never experienced it so they build up an idea in their head of what it's going to be like when they fall..Once they do and realize they aren't going to die or whatever image they've come up with, they will usually come in leaps and bounds to building confidence.

She may have a flare for the dramatic but to me it just sounds like she needs to toughen up a little and not worry so much..She's creating her own problem and holding herself back.


I started this thread and it has a lot of good information for beginners.
http://www.horseforum.com/barrel-racing/barrel-racing-exercises-drills-116865/


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Thank you for the link DrumRunner, i will certainly read it over! I feel the same way, i was surprised to say the least when she jumped from wp to barrel racing. 

Missy May, i honestly didn't look at it from that point of view. Your right, horses have big one of the biggest parts of my life since i was young. I grew up riding, and i wanted my kids to share in that passion. Maybe she isn't riding to her full potential, because maybe she just doesn't want to ride at all. Certainly something worth discussing with my daughter.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

You're welcome.. Just have a nice long talk with her. Ask her what her goals are and what she wants to accomplish running barrels. Then jump in the "Well hun, you've got to show me some commitment and toughen up."


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## HarleyWood (Oct 14, 2011)

i was the same with my moms horse i bought her, hes a little 3 year old very well broke. and about 14.2hhish, paint mustang. hes a bit spooky and takes a bit to get him listening and i desided to take him to a show this weekend without even bothering even cantering him much before hand. even though 6 years ago when i was 11 i was galloping my 16hh QH that took all my strength to get to stop, go, turn in feilds. and on my friends barrel horses that were well trained but i just couldnt get myself to get him going faster then a trot. but now that i did get him cantering and almost galloping i wanna do it more but it rained today so i didnt. 

sorry if i ranted, it just took me a while even thought my other horses ive galloped and gotten on an ex tb not knowing when he was last rode bareback, he was 35+ years and fine but you never know, ive gotten on horses that never been rode before and yet never wanted to canter my moms horse even though hes the smallest horse we've owned and i have a 16.3+hh paint in training that will be my barrel horse.

could she ride her friends horse that would be easy to ride? i know thats how i started on my friend little paso that was very easy to ride in games. i started my own horse i started slow on barrels and started to get faster and faster at it.

sorry if this doesnt help.


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## sandy2u1 (May 7, 2008)

> Wow, while I must say it's a little crazy to just buy her whatever she wants I also think it's crazy to just jump in and say she's a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants..15 is a tough age, and if she's trying to stick with her friends or make new friends by switching disciplines so what? If she has to WANT to do it and work for it, I see it as character building. It would suck to be the only crazed hormonal teenage girl who is already having some confidence issues, and she's just trying to fit in and keep up with her friends...Do you blame her?



Read more: http://www.horseforum.com/horse-talk/cant-understand-my-daughter-116968/page3/#ixzz0QXPcCL16
You don't think this is a kid that gets everything she wants, but mom pretty much paid someone to ride her personal horse? A horse she was riding herself and using in 4h. lol. I'm a parent. I will tell you one thing, that is completely unacceptable. She is completely capable of riding her current horse, but is bored with her and chooses not to. I really could care less bout the advancement at this point. First and foremost, this kid needs to learn that horses are living being and not disposable. 
​


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

I think thats my daughters problem, she really doesn't set up goals. When she started wp, she didn't have a goal in mind, or a certain point she wanted to get to in that discipline. Basically, it was just a lets see where this goes. I think i need to sit her down and plan out some long term realistic goals, not just her lets go with the flow until it gets boring. My husbands gelding does the pattern, but he doesn't get around the barrels very tightly (i dont know how to word that, my apologies). So i told her not to do anything past a trot or slow canter, since he just kind of goes around the barrel. Im not sure how to phrase it.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm not trying to disagree with you Sandy, I'm adding over points of view..One that I know all too well.. I went through that phase with a severe lack of confidence and I have five little sisters..

I agree, making those goals with her is a lot of help..I would also set small goals for herself..When you have that one big goal it seems like it's forever away and you can get discouraged. Make small goals that when she reaches them she'll get more confident and think that she's accomplished something.


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## bsms (Dec 31, 2010)

All I'll say is that I have a 14 year old daughter who enjoys trotting no stirrups and no reins, but does NOT want to canter. So? She doesn't canter. If she doesn't care, why should I? 

The daughter of the trainer I've worked with did 4 H and riding and barrel racing, and when she was 15, IIRC, she stopped riding. Now she does it once in a while - once in a great while. Oh well. Kids...


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

sandy2u1 said:


> Read more: http://www.horseforum.com/horse-talk/cant-understand-my-daughter-116968/page3/#ixzz0QXPcCL16
> You don't think this is a kid that gets everything she wants, but mom pretty much paid someone to ride her personal horse? A horse she was riding herself and using in 4h. lol. I'm a parent. I will tell you one thing, that is completely unacceptable. She is completely capable of riding her current horse, but is bored with her and chooses not to. I really could care less bout the advancement at this point. First and foremost, this kid needs to learn that horses are living being and not disposable.
> ​



I do understand that paying somebody else to ride her horse is ridiculous, but i can not force my daughter to ride. The horse is for sale for that very reason, if shes not going to ride her horse, then she needs a new home. However, i kept her over the winter and in shape under saddle, incase my daughter decided to just stick with wp.


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## chandra1313 (Jul 12, 2011)

Hi, I think you really want your daughter to enjoy the things you and your husband love and you don't want to make it hard for her, or she might just not want to at all. I got involved in horses because my daughter wanted one and we didn't know anything about them but we gave it a shot. I'm totally into them but she is not, its a lot of work and its scary and she is just not up to it. I think your doing the right thing in not getting her a barrel horse, if she really wants this she will make do with what you have to offer right now. I wasn't into horses when I was younger I just tagged along with my sister, so she wouldn't get hurt. It's now my obsession. You have provided her with a lot of memories to look back on fondly and maybe one day she will get her own horse and appreciate it.


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## FlyGap (Sep 25, 2011)

Sheesh, kids!
I think the things I wanted most as a kid I had to work and beg hard for. So first off I would send her to a clinic with a bunch of other girls and see how she does. Maybe the competition will get her going. Hopefully there will be a sane horse she can ride there? If she can't hack it or feels inferior she'll probably drop the issue.
My parents were huge into music so there was a ton of pressure to get me going in band... well that lasted all of 2 seconds! I was really good at it, won all kinds of awards, but hated it. What I was best at was horses but they didn't have the passion to help me excell so I got a horse in the backyard that I rode the tar out of, but never did anything more than trail riding when I was young... If only.

Is there something else she's interested in? Sport, or hobby? She is getting ready to be 16 so get ready for a life change, boys, cars, music...
Have you had her run poles? Maybe that will get her going in the right direction with the horse she's using now?


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

Can you "borrow" or lease an appropriate beginner's barrel horse from someone? Then your daughter will have to either get into barrel racing, galloping and all (which would make her a more confident rider) or realize that barrel racing is not what she wants to do. 

It wouldn't have to be a really talented horse, just a horse that knows how to do the pattern to see if your daughter wants to stick with it. 

Maybe I am sympathetic because I am one of those folks that gets emotional myself, but maybe she is truly scared, not spoiled as everyone assumes. Maybe she really would like to barrel race but her fear is holding her back. 

If she could try it out for a few months or whatever, then she would either prosper and improve her riding skills or decide barrels isn't for her.

I don't think pushing is going to help. I know if someone pushes me, I kind of balk and refuse to do whatever it is they think I should do. Fear is something you kind of have to overcome on your own. If her peers are now barrel racers, then maybe an appropriate friend will help her gain confidence and overcome her fears.


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

In addition to what others have said, I wonder if some of her fear might be based in the fact that she _hasn't_ ever had a bad fall. There is a very old saying that holds true, even in circumstances that don't exactly match it's original subject. "The fear of pain is often much more disabling than the pain itself". I know that if I go a long while without taking a fall, I get more nervous about falling. Then I finally _do_ fall and realize that I'm still alive afterward, and that fear backs off.

Other than that, all you can really do for her is just to be there and support her. Give her encouragement and let her build herself up to having the courage to really go out and be competitive.

Does she ever just go out and ride with her barrel racing friends for fun around the pasture or anything?


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

She is just out of her comfort zone, in my opinion. She doesn't want to do WP, and I don't really think she wants to barrel race, she just wants to fit in. 

I agree with Sandy, that she should be taught that horses/animals are not disposable - but I think she needs to figure out what she wants from horse riding before you progress to getting her another horse. 

Her current horse can canter and gallop, she learn about speed right there. She can also use the same horse to learn about trail riding, English - whatever interests her, and not because the cool kids are doing it - but what she actually enjoys doing.


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Hello all,

sorry its taken me so long to post again, todays been a busy day. She does ride with her barrel racing friends, they go for trail rides, or her friends have hauled in and used our indoor arena before. We did have somebody come out and look at her WP mare, and they ended up putting a deposit down on her. So as soon as she is picked up later this week i'm toying with the idea of finding her a safe barrel horse to lease. I talked to one of her friends mother to see if she knew anybody that had a barrel horse for lease, or possibly an instructor. She knows a woman who is a retired barrel racer, and though she doesn't normally offer public lessons she may be willing to work with my daughter, so going to give her a call and see where that goes. As far as right now she doesn't know of any barrel horses for lease that would work for my daughter. I guess we will just see what happens, my husband doesn't want to take her to therapy, so thats out for now.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Productive day! I think you're off to a great start..


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## Casey02 (Sep 20, 2011)

Atleast its a start!


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## equiniphile (Aug 16, 2009)

starrylake said:


> She never stopped grooming her or paying attention to her, she just stopped riding her. Basically, she feels like its no longer fun to ride her mare, so then we started back up lessons, and then when spring started coming she started riding my husbands gelding. Normally she doesn't get a lot of lessons, because 1. i can teach her riding from my 30 years experience, and 2. at this point there just repeating what shes already been told and knows how to do, shes just not applying it. My daughter does know how to ride, she just cuts herself short, and whenever i try and help her by pushing her a bit she gets really emotional.


 I think lessons from someone outside of the family would be beneficial for her. She needs someone who doesn't acknowledge her fear to teach her, because they are not emotionally involved with your daughter. She may listen and work for someone other than a close family member.


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## themacpack (Jul 16, 2009)

The parent/child dynamic does not often lend itself well to an instructional situation. While I don't doubt your experience or ability, that does not = being able to offer instruction to your child that will be accepted/received.


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

My daughter will hopefully be receiving lessons from an outside source who is experienced dealing with barrel racing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

I am sorry, but I think you just arranged for everything she wants to happen - even though you know she is not going to be a barrel racer. 

I don't think you heard one word of the advise that you asked for, and just went right ahead and did what your daughter wants, even though you know it is not what she really wants to do. 

I wish you all the best, because I am not spending my time following up on this thread or typing advise again.


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## Northern (Mar 26, 2010)

Daughter doesn't need to be specializing: she needs to be a much better rider. She doesn't need to be focusing on speed events, especially, since she punishes the horse's mouth every time the horse gives her speed. Why did you not immediately tell her that she must sort her issues with speed out without hauling on the horse's mouth immediately after asking for speed? This is a good example of daughter needing to be a better handler/rider.

Barrel racers, aside from the speed factor, are notorious for not truly knowing how to ride horses correctly; meaning in such a way as to be easy on the horse. The horses are hauled on, braced, kicked & whipped, with the Hawaiian Islands visible between the back of the horse & the rider's rump on the home stretch.

For the horses' sakes, please understand that if daughter has a passion for horses, that she must learn & will WANT to learn how to handle/ride them in such a way as to benefit them on all levels.


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## QHriderKE (Aug 3, 2011)

I used to be scared of speed, which is silly because I grew up team roping and barrel racing.

And then, I realized I had a darn good horse under me. She took care of me, even when I blew both stirrups barrel racing a while ago and almost went for a tumble, but then she just slowed right down and loped the pattern for me until I could figure stuff out again. I felt sooo happy after, knowing I trained her for barrels my self.

Maybe your daughter would like to have a younger horse to work with on her own. I know that when my parents let me ride a quarter pony gelding that came from my first horse, a little welsh mare,(I think I was maybe 9 at the time, Buddy was 3 or 4) and when he was 6, I felt so proud of myself, and I wasn't afraid to take on other projects.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Northern said:


> Barrel racers, aside from the speed factor, are notorious for not truly knowing how to ride horses correctly; meaning in such a way as to be easy on the horse. The horses are hauled on, braced, kicked & whipped, with the Hawaiian Islands visible between the back of the horse & the rider's rump on the home stretch.
> 
> .


Oh dear Lord Nothern, just stop..And you know how many barrel racers? This is your assumption and nothing more..Yes, there are barrel racers out there who are like that and don't ride correct but that's not all barrel racers.. We all aren't the same.. Please take a tablespoon of reality and think about what you post before you post it..You posting that has nothing to do with this thread and is most likely to start drama when it's not needed..


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## QHriderKE (Aug 3, 2011)

Northern said:


> Barrel racers, aside from the speed factor, are notorious for not truly knowing how to ride horses correctly; meaning in such a way as to be easy on the horse. The horses are hauled on, braced, kicked & whipped, with the Hawaiian Islands visible between the back of the horse & the rider's rump on the home stretch.
> 
> 
> > Is it okay that I take offense to this?? I hardly kick my mare, and if I do, it's to get her to drive into the first turn because she's a super duper lefty.
> ...


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## Ladytrails (Jul 28, 2010)

I think if your daughter gets training from this experienced barrel racer, and especially if this person is good with youths, she will get the "therapy" she needs. Trainers/coaches of kids know the fears and drama and insecurities; they're used to the self esteem issues and have techniques of helping the kid overcome them or break through the mental blocks. I would do the same thing if I were you - set it up to work and see what happened. If this turns out that the daughter doesn't appreciate it, etc., and still won't work on her goals and put effort into learning to run the pattern, I would probably not ever do it again, but I'd do it this time. She needs to find the 'one thing' that is 'hers' and that she is passionate about. You're giving her that chance, and I hope this works for her!


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## Cowgirls Boots (Apr 6, 2011)

Northern said:


> Daughter doesn't need to be specializing: she needs to be a much better rider. She doesn't need to be focusing on speed events, especially, since she punishes the horse's mouth every time the horse gives her speed. Why did you not immediately tell her that she must sort her issues with speed out without hauling on the horse's mouth immediately after asking for speed? This is a good example of daughter needing to be a better handler/rider.
> 
> Barrel racers, aside from the speed factor, are notorious for not truly knowing how to ride horses correctly; meaning in such a way as to be easy on the horse. The horses are hauled on, braced, kicked & whipped, with the Hawaiian Islands visible between the back of the horse & the rider's rump on the home stretch.
> 
> For the horses' sakes, please understand that if daughter has a passion for horses, that she must learn & will WANT to learn how to handle/ride them in such a way as to benefit them on all levels.


Please explain where you pulled the "barrel racers are notorious for not knowing how to ride a horse correctly" from?!

Not every racer is like as you stated above and it is heck of alot harder then you think :S
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

QHriderKe and Cowgirl, that's just her opinion and assumption...She likes to stir the pot and then sit back and poke the argument with a stick to keep it going..Just ignore her now, maybe she'll crawl back in her hole..


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh boy, im really sorry this thread has turned in to a debacle about barrel racing. Also northern I never said she yanks the reins back, she knows better than that. I just mean she makes him slow down right when he speeds up. I left a voice mail with the lady who might work with her. Hoping to hear back sometime soon, also i was only looking into leasing so she has a reliable horse to learn barrels on. I dont believe this lady has her own lesson horses to use. Like i said the gelding she rides isnt a barrel racer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cowgirls Boots (Apr 6, 2011)

People don't give barrel racers enough credit :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

starrylake said:


> Oh boy, im really sorry this thread has turned in to a debacle about barrel racing. Also northern I never said she yanks the reins back, she knows better than that. I just mean she makes him slow down right when he speeds up. I left a voice mail with the lady who might work with her. Hoping to hear back sometime soon, also i was only looking into leasing so she has a reliable horse to learn barrels on. I dont believe this lady has her own lesson horses to use. Like i said the gelding she rides isnt a barrel racer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Northern is just like that...Don't worry about her. This is your thread and you came asking for advice. You seem to have a very good plan now and have got the ball rolling..I think a few lessons with a barrel trainer and a horse that knows the ropes will do her a world of good.


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## WesternBella (Jan 7, 2012)

Wtf? Give us barrel racers a break!! You obviously are very stereotypical & have no idea whatsoever about barrel racing :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

I know from experience every discpline has a few bad apples, but I wouldn't put down the entire sport over it. There's bad riders who don't even compete, so does that mean all trail riders are terrible riders? I don't barrel race, therefore I wont judge it. Its alright to have your own opinion but you should have more respect for the fellow horse forum members instead of simply bashing something you don't seem to know much about. Im sure there are many good riders in the barrel racing industry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

I agree with you, but I wouldn't go ahead and let your thread go down the drain by just playing into Northern's drama.. We can be very productive and have a nice thread without people getting mad over a comment like that... It's not the first time someone has bashed and hated on we barrel racers..

You are on the right track for you and your daughter..A few lessons and a horse who knows what it's doing are going to be a great choice in the long run. I would also discuss your daughter's goals with the trainer. Maybe the trainer can sit down with her and they can discuss it. Kids always tend to listen to others before their parents..Even though the trainer is going to tell her the same thing you've been telling her.. She just has to figure out to work for what she wants and push past that fear..


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## Chessie (Mar 13, 2012)

I don't know much about anything as far as the horse situation goes, but I was a very shy teen who didn't make friends easily and was pushed into activities my parents enjoyed because that was their social circle.

I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. But I kept at it because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. It was their thing. I didn't put my foot down and say this is not what I want to do until I was about her age, then I caught hell for it."You're so talented. How can you just give up like that. We didn't raise a quitter...." you get the idea.

As I got older, I had to face a combination of my self-esteem being shorted because I had parents that didn't allow me the freedom to choose what I wanted to do, and worse, never let me fail at something.

When you fail, it teaches you how bad you want it.

Now none of this may apply to you. I'm strictly talking about me. I didn't feel like I really became myself as a person until I hit about 27, and I still feel the echoes of self-doubt when it comes to what my parents are going to think about what I've chosen to do.

What I would do is absolutely not get her another horse. She does need to realize the one she has is what she has until she can "prove" herself, then let her at her own pace. At the same time, put the horse thing aside and start asking about her other interests.

Maybe she really wants to paint. Maybe she really wants to dance. Maybe she really wants to play soccer. She may feel pressure to do the horse thing because that is what the family does and it just isn't what she really wants to do, then if she's not happy, she's seeking another path in the "horse realm" to go down because she unsatisfied, but that dissatisfaction could be coming from a desire to do something else entirely and figure out for herself what she really enjoys.

This age is the age of breaking off and experimenting with your interests. My best advice is to take an impersonal step back and allow her to stretch her wings outside the horse world a little. See if anything out in the big wide world ignites a passion in her that pushes her past any fear.

In the end, love her and let her know that no matter what, that's never going away.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

The only thing I don't see with everyone telling her not to let her ride, lease, or buy another horse is that how is she going to prove herself without a proper horse to do it on??? A WP or ranch horse is NOT a barrel horse, nor will it ever be without making her frustrated and hate it all together....If the girl wants to try barrel racing, let her. How is she going to know what she likes and dislikes without trying? If she's tired of WP so what, she's just tired of it.. Sell the WP horse and move on..By keeping and making her ride the WP horse it's just going to make her hate it even more which will lead to hating the horse, not caring how she does, anger with herself and her parents..I've been in her shoes.. She's never going to leave the nest and be able to make those mistakes if her parents don't push her and let her do those things..I've ridden both disciplines and everything western I could get my hands on..from WP, reiners, horsemanship, and now barrel racing..You have to try everything before settling on what you like..


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## Chessie (Mar 13, 2012)

Oh, I was suggesting not even letting her really try barrel racing until she's proven she really wants it. Give her some resistance and see how much she fights, how much she's willing to bargain, how much she's willing to throw in her own effort to make it happen.

That's when you know she really wants to do something. I'm afraid she's floating along in a "I don't know, I guess I'll try this now," place and she's not developing a real passion for anything.

I wouldn't want her working on an improper horse. I'm just saying don't make "getting what she wants" easy, and then you will see how bad she wants it.

When I was little, I used to draw out full plans and make budgets for how we could afford to keep a horse in our back yard. It was ridiculous. I showed it to my parents and they giggled at me, and I still had to do the sport that I hated.

But it finally sunk in that horse crazy wasn't going away. When they did get me a couple of months of riding lessons, it was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.

Now at 36, I'm still pursuing that old horse crazy dream.

Give her resistance, see where her "fight" is, and then you will know what she's passionate about.


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## chandra1313 (Jul 12, 2011)

I went to a county fair and watched some barrel racing and I felt sorry for the horses, it looked like they were hauling their horses around by their heads. I remember thinking all the stuff I read says to stay out of a horses mouth. I've never seen a professional one. I would like to though because a woman I know is being retrained on a gelding she bought and she said it has changed so much since she used to compete that barrel racing is going towards using the seat and legs more like dressage.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

chandra1313 said:


> I went to a county fair and watched some barrel racing and I felt sorry for the horses, it looked like they were hauling their horses around by their heads. I remember thinking all the stuff I read says to stay out of a horses mouth. I've never seen a professional one. I would like to though because a woman I know is being retrained on a gelding she bought and she said it has changed so much since she used to compete that barrel racing is going towards using the seat and legs more like dressage.


This is a prime example of not believeing that about all barrel racers when you've only seen a few and just taken other people's word seriously..Not all barrel racers are like that..Any serious and good barrel racer will tell you that our horse's light responses is one of the most very important thing for a successful horse..A good barrel horse is trained slow and correctly..they are taught to flex and bend, being "soft" and "light" in the mouth and of leg pressures..those are vital, vital things we look for or train when we are working with a horse..Before you judge every barrel racer, please do your research and actually talk to a few GOOD barrel racers and not the backyard girls that pull a horse from the pasture and expect to do great..It is something that takes years to master and to be successful you have to have that team mindset with your horses..


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

I think at that age you just have to let her be. When I was that age, the more parents muddled with my life, the more upset I was about everything. 

She doesn't have to compete, if she likes riding she can ride, she has the family horses, if she doesn't want to she doesn't have to. If she doesn't want to go fast then she doesn't have to. 

My advice would just be to take a step back. If she wants lessons, then she can ask you for them, and she can call up and organise them. If she asks for a new horse say she didn't work her last horse, and she can ride your husbands or something. Stop giving her your opinions on what she is doing right or wrong and let her work out things for herself. At that age, anything you say is going to be taken the wrong way, so let her find out who she is and what she wants.


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## equiniphile (Aug 16, 2009)

Northern said:


> Daughter doesn't need to be specializing: she needs to be a much better rider. She doesn't need to be focusing on speed events, especially, since she punishes the horse's mouth every time the horse gives her speed. Why did you not immediately tell her that she must sort her issues with speed out without hauling on the horse's mouth immediately after asking for speed? This is a good example of daughter needing to be a better handler/rider.
> 
> Barrel racers, aside from the speed factor, are notorious for not truly knowing how to ride horses correctly; meaning in such a way as to be easy on the horse. The horses are hauled on, braced, kicked & whipped, with the Hawaiian Islands visible between the back of the horse & the rider's rump on the home stretch.
> 
> For the horses' sakes, please understand that if daughter has a passion for horses, that she must learn & will WANT to learn how to handle/ride them in such a way as to benefit them on all levels.


 I'm sorry, but a GOOD barrel trainer will not put this kid on barrels until she is 110% ready. For as long as the kid needs, a barrel trainer will re-teach her to ride. He/she will teach her to ride again, understand why she cannot pull back when asked for speed, and drill her on patterns. Not barrel patterns, but serpentines, circles, lines, etc. Unless your daughter has a major attitude change towards the speed thing, a good trainer won't push her for it. When she's comfortable with _control of the horse_, she might feel better about galloping.

Northern, I don't know what to say, this is biased and ridiculous and stereotyping at its best.


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## kait18 (Oct 11, 2011)

not sure where this thread has ended up after page 3 but i remember being terrified to fail off my horse... never had it happen and it held me back. my trainer had me stop in the arena , she walked up to me and pushed me off... then made me get back on. then made me fall off on purpose at a trot... after i fell and a few times i never even bother worring about it anymore... not saying to go push your daughter off a horse but maybe teach her how to properly fall off a horse so then she can think she can control this situation.

as for confidence issues... being new to my area when i was a teen, having no friends.. my parents sent me away to a soccer camp (second favorite thing to horses) it was 2 hours away and every night i begged to come home and that they should get me... they never did and i had to man up and deal with it... i made great friends and figured out how to deal with different situations... 

so maybe before selling this horse or getting a new one teach her to fall and send her away to a camp that she chooses... she can spend her time searchign for a camp rather than a horse... 

maybe being thrown into different situations is what she needs.. did i hate my parents for sending me away..yes at that time. did i get over it ..yea within afew days of being home... it also was smart of my parents to not take any of my teenage crap and told me to lose the 'attitude" or you wont be eating  needless to say i had to learn everything the hard way and it paid off with confidence. 

goodluck


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## Remy410 (Nov 7, 2011)

Ok, I didn't read all the posts, but I'll throw my 2 cents in.

My daughter is 15, too. She likes riding but isn't horse crazy. She gets lessons on the horse we have available - who is almost 23. She talks about wanting another horse which she will never, ever get, because she isn't committed enough. 

She also lacks confidence. She is shy and intimidated b/c the other girls at our barn are much better riders, they've been doing it longer. 

I would encourage your daughter (or make her) stick with it, but let her go at her own pace, with no pressure, so she can build up confidence. It sounds like she's intimidated. I would also let her know it's ok to participate with the goal of just having fun and not winning. If she just wants to poke around the barrels to be with her friends I think that's ok, too.


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Well I finally heard back from the barrel racing trainer, she is willing to work with my daughter. Her suggestion was to not focus on actually barrel racing, but just simply getting her to the point where she can gallop with confidence. Were having an introduction lesson this friday, she told me to just bring my husbands gelding. I also want to add, this isn't something she decided to do last week, she told me some time in october that she wanted to do barrels. However, I kept her wp horse this long incase she changed her mind, she hasn't, so I figured it was time to let her do it. I didn't push her to do wp or barrels, she came up to me and talked to me about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

I'm glad that the barrel trainer suggested that she go ahead and bring the gelding. Because she knows the horse already, that will be a big help in her becoming more confident and, at this point, she doesn't really need a true barrel horse. She just needs a good, trustworthy horse that she can learn to be confident on.


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## Northern (Mar 26, 2010)

Drum runner, was all the rudeness necessary, for at least 3 posts? Reread for comprehension: I said that barrel racers are notorious for bad riding; that's NOT saying that *every* barrel racer rides roughly. It's common English usage, to say that, in general, some group is notorious for something; it's differrent from saying that *each one* of the group is guilty.

Another poster shared an experience of seeing the mouth-hauling & so forth commonly seen at barrel events, in one after another rider, at a barrel event she witnessed; no surprise there, to anyone who's seen it before. Glad you didn't jump down her throat, though.

If it doesn't apply to you barrel racers who resorted to being insulting (crawl back into your hole - wow!), you've got no worries. Yet the way you reacted doesn't inspire my confidence; flaming rudeness such as what was posted here reminds me of bad-riding barrel racers. 

The teacher that OP found has confirmed that daughter needs to become a better rider before focusing on speed & barrels, so I'm very happy that you found someone, OP, who knows that A comes before B.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Northern said:


> Drum runner, was all the rudeness necessary, for at least 3 posts? Reread for comprehension: I said that barrel racers are notorious for bad riding; that's NOT saying that *every* barrel racer rides roughly. It's common English usage, to say that, in general, some group is notorious for something; it's differrent from saying that *each one* of the group is guilty.
> 
> Another poster shared an experience of seeing the mouth-hauling & so forth commonly seen at barrel events, in one after another rider, at a barrel event she witnessed; no surprise there, to anyone who's seen it before. Glad you didn't jump down her throat, though.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but saying "barrel racer_s_ are notorious for" is a plural, with an "s", which means more than one..and you didn't specify that you mean SOME..So you put all "barrel racers" in one group..Don't try to go all English language on me..You stir up more drama than almost (see, almost means some, not an entire group) all of the users on the whole forum..You know next to nothing about barrel racing as a sport except that we go around barrels at a fast pace..Seriously? Just stop, you're making yourself look even worse.. If you don't know anything about a subject it's best for you to not say anything at all.. 


If you want to talk rudeness..You started this whole argument bashing barrel racers, when it is CLEARLY not what this thread is about..and I can promise I could go further into detail what I think of you but it's best to stop now..


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## Northern (Mar 26, 2010)

DR, your refuting my explanation of my generality is baseless. My statement does NOT mean ALL, it means MANY. You are only showing that your grasp of common English usage is wanting.

It'd be absurd for me to state that ALL barrel racers ride badly! 

I'm not going to repeat myself further.


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh Nothern, you make me laugh..


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

I do agree with DrumRunner, not sure how my thread had anything to do with barrel racers being bad riders. Maybe these riders on here would be less offended if you could of simply added "however, I know there are some good riders on this forum who compete in barrel racing". You don't know these people personally, it is very unreasonable to judge them, and there sport. I take pride in reining, if somebody ripped on fellow riders in my sport and the sport in general, I to would become upset. Just because there's one ripe apple in the basket, doesn't mean they all are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Exactly Starry. Thank you.


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Also, why are you insulting her english. You offended her, you could just apologize and say you were not trying to target the riders on this forum. No need to stir the pot here and further insult people, there's no point in dragging things on . If you disagree, you don't have to respond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

Eh, don't worry about it Starry. Northern is pretty notorious for just wanting to go around stirring things up. Truthfully, I think she craves the attention.


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## Northern (Mar 26, 2010)

The connection, Starry, is that barrel racing:

1) is a SPEED EVENT, which daughter doesn't have the foundation for

2) is RIFE with riders who'd set a bad example for daughter: hauling on the mouth, whipping, & so forth.

Surely, these points are simple, & I didn't bash ALL barrel racers, or the sport itself.


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## furbabymum (Dec 28, 2011)

starrylake said:


> Im not against the idea, i just don't know how to approach her about it. Do i just set up an appointment and tell her shes going no matter what??


No. Bad idea. I consider myself somewhat of a therapy expert. My husband is bipolar and we've been going to therapy our entire marriage (8 years) together and seperate. It took my husband a long time to want to go see a therapist and work through things. It's only made a difference in our lives the past year because he has finally engaged with it. 

I really think therapy can help out so many people but it only works if they want it to work. 

Suggest it to your daughter. Schedule one session with her permission and see what goes from there.


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

*MODERATOR NOTE:*

Please understand that all members of this community have a right to share an opinion. There is absolutely no reason another member or members can not or should not refute an opinion. 

Please ensure that all posts are polite and cordial. Keep the rudeness and name calling out.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

@Starry- I've read the whole thread and I think you're doing the right thing and have found the right person to train your daughter. When I was her age, my mother couldn't have taught me to tie my shoes, but I would listen to an outsider. 

I don't know how many kids y'all have, but I'm thinking she needs some 'me' time with an outsider. I came from a large family and at her age, all I wanted was time to myself or time with someone who wouldn't be interrupted by one of my siblings, a boarder or my dad. I didn't want to be hearing, "Your brother......." or "You are the 2nd oldest, you should be farther along than your brother at .............". That never helped me learn to do a thing. 

So, that all said, I'd let her have her lessons, on the gelding. No new horses for a WHILE yet. And she'd have to understand that yes, we're doing the barrel lessons you wanted and if you stick with it we MAY look for a horse to lease or buy at some point in time. However, if she fobs off and even once pulls the famous teenager, "I'm too tired, I don't wanna or I don't feel like it", then the lessons stop and she will have to earn the right to even ride one of the horses at home, and the only way back to lessons would be to earn them by working. If she hits the point where you stop paying for lessons because she doesn't want to put forth the effort, from then on she would pay her own way. 

It sounds to me like she values nothing because she's not had to put the sweat out to earn it. At this point in time, it's a lesson she needs to learn, that things, horses, cars, houses all have value and some folks just don't appreciate anything they haven't sweated hard for.


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice, hopefully the lessons go well and she gains the confidence she requires to becoming a barrel racing rider. I will keep everybody updated on how her lessons go . Also, she does clean stalls for a weekly allowance, maybe she's just trying to find what's best for her. I understand she's a teen, and its time to get more than just her mothers guidance. Were just going to let her learn on my husbands gelding, and follow the instructors guidance on if and when she's ready to ride an actual barrel trained horse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ladytrails (Jul 28, 2010)

You're a good mom, Starry. Hang in there!


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## starrylake (Mar 20, 2012)

Ladytrails said:


> You're a good mom, Starry. Hang in there!


Thank you, I appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Country Woman (Dec 14, 2011)

Yes you are a good mom and your daughter is trying to find out where she fits in 
Good luck


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## DrumRunner (Jan 26, 2011)

Hi, just wondering how things are going? Hope everything is working out well for you and your daughter!


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## Cowgirls Boots (Apr 6, 2011)

I'm wondering as well 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Back2Horseback (Mar 21, 2012)

Chessie said:


> I didn't like it. I didn't like it at all. But I kept at it because I didn't want to disappoint my parents. It was their thing. I didn't put my foot down and say this is not what I want to do until I was about her age, then I caught hell for it."You're so talented. How can you just give up like that. We didn't raise a quitter...." you get the idea....
> 
> ...As I got older, I had to face a combination of my self-esteem being shorted because I had parents that didn't allow me the freedom to choose what I wanted to do... I didn't feel like I really became myself as a person until I hit about 27, and I still feel the echoes of self-doubt.... put the horse thing aside and start asking about her other interests.
> 
> ...


Apologies to this poster for "cutting up" your post, however the points you made that I included here were my thoughts precisely on the issue...

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds SO CLEAR TO ME reading through these posts that she MAY JUST NOT BE INTERESTED IN HORSES, OVERALL! I know that seems hard for we passionate horse-lovers whom at 13 would've given anything to be in her situation. It simply seems to me like she wants to "find herself", and perhaps for a very shy, emotional girl, (as you've described her), horses may be too overwhelming...

Maybe she doesn't need help making friends, perhaps she's the more solitary type, happier with one or two close girlfriends and the rest of the time to read, write, paint, WHATEVER, ALONE...Just her alone with her thoughts and interests and if she were permitted to do that, w/o any outside pressure to be what others want her to be, she will become less emotional, more happy, more HER!

She may find who SHE IS, and then the family will see the girl they couldnt "see" before, because everyone wanted her to be something else!

No DOUBT YOU LOVE her with all you have and want her to be happy...maybe with no pressure whatsoever (excrpt regarding her completing the basic, obvious necessities of being responsible for schoolwork, being a conscientious and "appropriate" teen, teaching her healthy morals, values, how to treat herself and others, basic child-rearing things (!), she will grow into someone who loves HERSELF AND HER FAMILY...As a parent, that is all I work towards and pray for for my child!

Best to you and your daughter!! :0)


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