# I need help, emotional issues.



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. I have a son who is struggling with depression. It is very baffling to me, but I simply ache to know that he hurts so badly inside. I can hardly imagine hiow hard it must be for you.

Please at least try to find small bits of beauty and happiness in each day. It's not a cure , but they are still Gods gifts that are there for you, so you mustn't turn away from what little bit of Grace you may find. You have to get out, whether in physical form , or in cyber space, and be available for such chances.


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

Thanks Tiny. I have to admit.... I need a horse. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 7. that's also the same year I got my first horse. The only thing that stopped me when I was at the end of the rope(Literally) was knowing I had my horses, the rescue horses, they really needed me. they give me purpose.

After selling my horses 2 weeks ago I went up on the hill after dark to the rocks, there is a huge rattlesnake nest up there. I sat right next to a snake, for some reason I snapped out of it and took off, but I was only a few feet away from it. Walking home was the worst part, knowing I failed and trying to see in the dark in case I stepped on a snake. Sometimes I think back to a few month ago and wonder why I didn't just do it then... its not like anything important happened between then and now. I don't really want to live, I haven't wanted to live since I was 7, just kept trudging through, reading books and watching tv shows where I can escape.


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

rescuechick said:


> Thanks Tiny. I have to admit.... I need a horse. The first time I tried to kill myself I was 7. that's also the same year I got my first horse. The only thing that stopped me when I was at the end of the rope(Literally) was knowing I had my horses, the rescue horses, they really needed me. they give me purpose.
> 
> After selling my horses 2 weeks ago I went up on the hill after dark to the rocks, there is a huge rattlesnake nest up there. I sat right next to a snake, for some reason I snapped out of it and took off, but I was only a few feet away from it. Walking home was the worst part, knowing I failed and trying to see in the dark in case I stepped on a snake. Sometimes I think back to a few month ago and wonder why I didn't just do it then... its not like anything important happened between then and now. I don't really want to live, I haven't wanted to live since I was 7, just kept trudging through, reading books and watching tv shows where I can escape.


Since this has been from a very young age are your parents involved with your life and treatment did you get lots of professional treatment at 7 on?They need to help you and I think a professional is your safest place for help. These do not sound like things you should tackle alone.


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## Bellasmom (Jun 22, 2011)

You need professional help, "messaging" a shrink doesn't count.....you need a psychiatrist that can appropriately assess you and prescribe/regulate medication. You say meds made you worse, but there are A LOT of different medications for depression & people respond differently. It may take some trial and error to find one that works for YOU.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Hey, personally I've seen lots of people get worse on medication, so I like to suggest natural things that work well for depression etc.

I know that energy levels are often a problem when people have depression. So first things first: Eat right, sleep right, exercise gently. Depression loops when it causes insomnia, which results in more depression. So, getting sleep back on track is really important. Without fresh air and exercise, it's hard to sleep right - but of course, it's hard to have motivation to exercise when your energy levels are low.

Can you consider dog ownership? Dogs are excellent motivators for getting you to take walks, to play, and to live in the moment...and they love being with you, which is a nice thing.  Studies routinely show that people who have dogs feel happier and get more exercise than average. If ownership is out of the question, you could volunteer to walk a friend's or neighbour's dog, or do a little commercial Fido walking, which also gets you extra cash.

Do you have potential friends, acquaintances or family OK in small doses and you could go walking with in nice places? Or walking groups near where you live, that you could join? This combines low-key socialising and exercise.

When up to it, starting a more rigorous exercise programme is really super for getting your body chemistry nicely away from depressed. Studies I've read showed that putting people on a four-sessions-a-week of aerobics worked better than antidepressants in the average person for lifting depression. Belly dancing, Latin dance, Scottish Highland Dancing, Irish Dancing etc are similar activities physically, but probably loads more fun.

Food: Don't eat processed food or junk food, it really is so bad for you...cook and eat healthy, tasty stuff. I've just bought _Save With Jamie_, a nice cookbook on healty, fun cooking and eating while reducing the grocery bills: It makes a good intro for any new DIY foodies, and a nice reinforcement for old hands. Make sure you get extra B vitamins and antioxidants when depressed, or you will continue to be depressed. B vitamins are easy and inexpensive to supplement with tablets, antioxidants are best obtained from colourful fruit and vegetables.

Interest groups and activities: Anything going in your area that might interest you? Any place you might volunteer to help people in need? Do you like old people, want to go entertain them at an old people's home? ...playing music to them, reading, just chatting? Cook at a soup kitchen? It's important to feel that you're making a difference somewhere - and also to structure your time at least a little, so you don't feel like you're just drifting endlessly.

Do you like where you live? And if not, is it possible for you to move elsewhere and make a new start? Often, being in a new environment creates hope and positive stimulation. A change can be as good as a holiday, etc. If finances are limiting here, do you have WWOOFER organisations where you are? Basically they allow you to backpack all over the country and help out at farms for half-days in return for food and accommodation. I've met many international people doing just that and having a wonderful time. An agency books you into places after consulting on your preferences.

That's a start...does any of that sound useful to you?

:hug:

Best wishes

Sue

PS: Humans are social animals, and need each other, but also humans make things the hardest for other humans. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm in my 40s and can tell you from what I've observed that many people who start out with few friends accumulate them gradually and things get better just as you get older that way.


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## Roman (Jun 13, 2014)

Perhaps you could volunteer at a local horse rescue or therapeutic horse rescue. You can be around horses and only a few people that can start helping. You wouldn't have the costs and bills of owning a horse but still be around them and do the everyday chore stuff. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

Thanks everyone, thanks SueC, iv opted to take the non medical road. Don't like pills, especially after downing a whole bottle. Also I have 2 dogs, and 10 at the ranch, its just that both my dogs like my mom better because she doesn't tell them what to do, when with her they run amuck and do whatever they want and I actually yell at them for getting on the table or eating cloths and stuff like that. One of them will growl at me when I tell them what to do. I saved this dogs life and it growls at me . 

My parents REFUSE to acknowledge my issue, iv been telling them I want to kill myself from the time I was young and they just ignore me and tell me to get over it, or get angry and start telling me all their problems and make me feel horrible about being depressed, as if I didn't feel bad enough. One time my dad found my prescription pills and threw them away and wouldn't talk to me for a month. My parents really don't care. My brother is a drug addict and has almost died in the hospital a few times, they don't even acknowledge it. When they don't like something they pretend it doesn't exist.

I mostly stay out at the ranch where im left alone, I could do all of the things you guys recommend, but for one I don't have a whole lot of income, and for 2 I don't have medical insurance because I live with family members, and because I live with them they wont take jut my income, they want everyone I live with. So I cant see a shrink, even if I had insurance, I think they only cover a few sessions a year. All I can do is talk to my friends.

Also I cant drive, I get to worked up and panic. I cant use the stove because iv caught the house on fire 3 times so im not allowed to. I wanted to go to college really bad but my dad just kept saying it was a waste of time and money. That even if I went to college I could never get a good job.


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

> One of them will growl at me when I tell them what to do. I saved this dogs life and it growls at me .


 ok, this is not a realistic response. The dog growls at you because it doesn't see you as the leader, and you are over stepping what the dog perceives as your boundaries. This is fairly easy to fix. You CANNOT put human emotions and responses on a dog, it doesn't work, and you will end up disappointed.

it sounds like you need to get out of your current circumstance and move somewhere else, like a small city or town, where public transportation is readily accessible or walking is an option, you can get away from your family and start a new life. Microwaves are decent to cook in and hard to set on fire. You may be able to find a stable that will let you work in exchange for lessons or riding time.

the only way you can get over your fears is by facing them. I make it a personal goal to tackle mine. Its very empowering(and I have a long list of them). You need a "shrink" that you can see IN PERSON. How can you learn to be around people if you isolate yourself? Make small goals and take baby steps to accomplish them. Small steps add up to long distances, in the end.

and please remember, things change. People change, relationships come and go, a person that is unhappy can become happy, its never hopeless. 

I have a lot of first hand experience with depression and mental illness.


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

BlueSpark said:


> ok, this is not a realistic response. The dog growls at you because it doesn't see you as the leader, and you are over stepping what the dog perceives as your boundaries. This is fairly easy to fix. You CANNOT put human emotions and responses on a dog, it doesn't work, and you will end up disappointed.
> 
> it sounds like you need to get out of your current circumstance and move somewhere else, like a small city or town, where public transportation is readily accessible or walking is an option, you can get away from your family and start a new life. Microwaves are decent to cook in and hard to set on fire. You may be able to find a stable that will let you work in exchange for lessons or riding time.
> 
> ...


The dog IS the pack leader, no one can get near something if he doesn't want them to. I tried to work with him but my mom gets angry and tells me to leave him alone. I know how to help him, pack walks, training, im just not allowed to. Also if you stair into his eyes he will growl at you and even come after you.


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

Iv tried to move, really even looked into costs, its just that I cant get a job. When I panic around people things get pretty bad. No one would hire me knowing this. and I don't have any friends that could help me. Both my friends are very busy, jobs, their own life, we only hang out sometimes or go to the movies every once in a while. I just need to find someone who can get me out there and socializing with people.

Also I cant afford to see a shrink, its just not going to happen, my teeth have been hurting me for over a year, if I had the money to do anything it would be to make my teeth stop hurting, they hurt me so bad I cant sleep.


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## BlueSpark (Feb 22, 2012)

you don't work, so you cant afford to get the things you need. your only option is to change that. there are many, many office jobs, shipper/receiver, warehouse stocking, box shipping and packing, factory jobs, gas station attendants, cleaning and janitorial, basic laborer, even working for a call center, that do not involve large amounts of face to face human interaction, some times next to none, especially if you take on a night shift, which may be perfect for you.

and I don't want to be a downer, but being realistic, someone is not going to come along and take you out to socialize, you are going to have to take the initiative, however terrifying.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Honestly, I am thinking that you really, really need the services of a qualified therapist, especially one who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). At this point your issues have taken over, literally, your entire life. This is not a sustainable way to live.

I realize you said you do not like pills, but medication may be a real lifesaver for you. I am all for changing things such as diet and exercise to assist with treating mental health issues (I use diet to control my ADHD/Anxiety issues), but medication exists for a reason. In many cases, you do not need to be on it forever, either.

Instead of a permanent fixture, think of it like putting a cast on a broken leg. Sure, you might be able to hobble along as you are now - but, what the real problem may be is that you may not even be able to process the things you are doing to assist it because of your current mental state. The medication is there to support and assist you in coming down to a more reasoned level so you can actually begin to heal and get into a more comfortable rhythm of life. 

Psychotherapy is also there to teach you ways of coping with your disorder, and most studies indicate that a multi-pronged approach helps the most in both healing and in maintaining your good mental health. 

If horses make you feel centered and grounded, then find ways to bring them into your everyday life. If you are over 18, you are more than able to contact Social Services (or enlist a friend or sympathetic family member into helping you do so) so you may be able to find a job that works around your issues, or will help you to get disability. But both require evaluation by a doctor.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Do you live near enough to a city to take advantage of some of the support there could be for folks with depression, and low income? I am sure there are places where you can get counciling, or even join a group, for free.

Dear, when you are depressed it's hard to MAKE yourself go do something, like exersize, or eat right. But, initially, you have to take the first step yourself.

instead of saying to yourself "I just want to go die", say, "I don't want to live like THIS anymore. I want more!" 

And, medication can be a real help. but, you have to get the right one, and the right dose.

Find a free mental health clinic, and Go!


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

tinyliny said:


> Do you live near enough to a city to take advantage of some of the support there could be for folks with depression, and low income? I am sure there are places where you can get counciling, or even join a group, for free.
> 
> Dear, when you are depressed it's hard to MAKE yourself go do something, like exersize, or eat right. But, initially, you have to take the first step yourself.
> 
> ...


I do not live close to anything really, and walking to a job would take a few hours, heck driving would. I was thinking about studying to be a farrier, if I can learn to drive and take a course on it, but that might take me a while. I wouldn't have to deal with to many people at once, and iv been trimming hooves since I was 10.


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

I would suggest asking friends and other relatives for help. That may include moving to somewhere where you can get help. You may qualify for social security and gov. Programs for housing in a bigger city.


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

are you still in California? there are many mental health facilities that help low income people.
Do you still have your dogs ? 
You need to look under county agencies for mental health. If you are that depressed and have been since age 7 you need medication. Good luck


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

The brain is an organ and just like every other organ in the body it can be slightly out of balance. There are all sorts of chemicals that determine your emotions... 

my grandfather had schizophrenia. I once watched a documentary on 
schizophrenia in very young children. It is heartbreaking. My point here is sometimes it is not the way we are raised, but it is our genetic constitution... Sometimes exposure to bacteria or viruses even in the womb is enough to cause issues later on.

There are many medications available that can help with depression. It may be worth looking into. Sometimes people just do not understand how antidepressants work. My parents were completely against me being on medication, at least until my stomach was paralyzed. To everyone's surprise an antidepressant was the only medication that helped. Although it really should not be so surprising considering how many serotonin receptors are in the GI tract. I tried 5 antidepressants and only one was effective for my stomach issues. Not all antidepressants are created equally!

I deal with depression on a daily basis as my health is not good. It is very hard dealing with physical pain and exhaustion. I find myself often homebound as there are some days I can't get out of bed.

I feel for your situation but you are the only one who can get out of that hole you have found yourself in. This means learning to drive, getting a job and growing up. Due to my anxiety issues it took me a long time to get comfortable with driving... now I can take the horse trailer out with out concern.

Part of cognitive behavior therapy is on facing fears and overcoming them. If you avoid something you will never overcome it. You know your anxiety is irrational yet it overwhelms you.

If you feel comfortable with medication it makes it much easier to overcome phobias. I had an awesome therapist during college with her help, medication and some will power it is possible for things to improve.

I wish my other health issues were as easy to fix as my anxiety! for years I struggled with anxiety issues as I was afraid to seek help. A few months of therapy and the right medication and I was much better. It was so much easier than I thought! 

Much easier to cure than the incurable disease I have now! Apparently my body just doesn't want to work right. It is so unfair. A simple cold virus makes my parents sick for a few days but I end up sick for weeks! My doctor just gives me a script for antibiotics anytime I call as she knows I am so prone to infections!

As for your dreaming issues it sounds like you have alpha wave intrusion. Do you feel fully rested after sleeping?


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## Kyro (Apr 15, 2012)

I actually know how you feel, I'm sorry for your parents being like they are. I'm going through something similar, though a bit less severe.

I think it all comes down to accepting the situation you're in, taking a deep breath and asking yourself 'what can I do to change my life'. Or 'what would make me happy?'. 

I sometimes write down things I'm grateful for - if I can't think of anything, I start with basics like having a roof over my head, being able to walk, etc. If you would decide to do this, you could include that 'you're a pretty good farrier' & 'you are brave for wanting to make a change' etc. 

I recommend what SueC suggested about WWOOFF'ing. Find their website, contact them and you could go work there for a while, the change of scenery will definitely be better. In turn you don't have any expenses being there, as you can live where you work and they provide food as well. 

If you don't like that, try yardandgroom.com - you could find a stable near you that is looking for help, that way you will be able to be with horses and usually it doesn't involve too much socializing either. Besides, horses will help you relax and routine jobs often have a meditating effect (like cleaning stalls, brushing horses, etc.). There are many opportunities, I think the best would be for you to choose a live-in option where the stable offers you a place to stay and provides food (or gives you money for food) and often this includes riding lessons too. Why not try that out?

Why I'm suggesting this, is because in my personal experience, working with horses is the only time I ever relax. I forget about everything else and just concentrate on the horse. If I didn't have this opportunity..I'm not sure I could bear 'life' either. Maybe you could consider this. If I was in your situation, the most important thing for me would be to leave home ASAP. That is surely one of the big reasons why you feel like the way you do. I am certain that you will feel better once you have gotten out of there. 

-Hugs- Feel free to write to me anytime you feel like it.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Yep - if my house burnt down tomorrow and my entire family was wiped out, and I was left with nothing, I'd go WWOOFing - because you don't need any money to do it, because you only need to work half-days (physical work, with animals, food plants and nice scenery) and that gives you regrouping time, because seeing the world is a healing thing, and because you will seriously meet the coolest people of all ages, you will eat nutritionally super food, and you can move on whenever you want with no removals van to your next place where all the accommodation and food are taken care of, and go wherever you like. We have WWOOFers up the road here working at the organic dairy, and they are exceptionlessly a wonderful bunch, with the lowest BS of any collection of people I have met, and they're from all over the world and have wonderful stories.

Kyro's gratefulness journalling suggestion is so good. I remember reading a true story written by a mother whose young daughter died of terminal leukaemia, and they had this ritual at the end of every day where they would each pick the best three things about that day. Write that kind of stuff down...make a nice journal, decorate it etc, and take it on the road so you can fill it with lots of things you'll be thankful for, that you will never experience if you don't get out of home now and fly away and find your wings. At home there is only more of the same. Go out into the world.

Charles Dickens explored mental illness as a sideline in "Great Expectations" - Miss Havisham never left home after a bad experience, but spent the rest of her life mulling over it and living in the dark and in the past, literally closing herself off to all healing light. She shut herself in. Had she broken out, things would have been so different. And it's not that complicated when you just go one step at a time. Taking that first step is what will get things rolling. How does the saying go? Even a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

You might even meet real people like us out there! ;-)


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Resources that might help:

What is depression? - Health & Wellbeing

Treating depression: not one-size-fits-all - Health & Wellbeing

Excellent Australian site, with very useful links.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

There are always low-cost or free mental health clinics everywhere. I live in North Central Iowa and there's one only twenty minutes away. This particular clinic bases what you pay off of your income. Since you do not have a job, a clinic similar to this would be a good fit.

That being said, you need to make your mental health your very first priority right now. It sounds like your problems are taking over your life. In order to fix all the other things, you need to start working on this first. Find a way to get to therapy once a week. I can't stress how important this is. Also, you need to be the one that takes the initiative on this. None of us can make you go to therapy. Only you have the power to change you. 

I would not reject the idea of medication completely. Medication saved my life when I was in high school. Without it, I would have starved myself to death thanks to a phobia of vomiting. You have to try different types of medication to find one that works. Being on medication does not mean that you'll need to be on it forever, necessarily, but it helps when you are at your worst and are beyond pulling yourself out of it. 

Also, try what Sue C has suggested. She's great, and I always love her ideas!


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## mrwithers (Jun 25, 2014)

I had a friend that was depressed and I always tried to give them advice on how to not be depressed so they sent me this comic. It's kind of funny in a way and has a good ending but it explained a lot to me about how depression feels. You might be able to relate and get a giggle out of it:

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

Thank you for sharing your feelings. Why did you punch the guy who touched your shoulder?


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

rescuechick said:


> So iv been getting out in the world more, I sought help from a friend I knew in high school and they told me I need to talk about things and start getting out more. I was turning into one of those people who are terrified to leave their house.
> 
> I still cant go into a store without my legs feeling like they weigh 1000 pounds. Im having a very very hard time looking into mens faces, especially if they are attractive. But im trying.
> 
> ...


You simply need to make an appointment with a psychiatrist or have one made for you. He or she can write any needed prescriptions that may be required in addition to counseling. Do it now. There are many wonderful medications that may help you and the professional will know where best to start. Your depression could be directly related to a chemical imbalance and that is not an unusual diagnosis, but they alone can determine that. Do it now. There will not be a quick fix, so don't enter into it thinking that. It takes time and you have to be patient (no pun intended). Do what they say. You are making a commitment to feeling better. 
It should not be viewed as something you try. Do it now.

Now is a good time to be a bit selfish and concentrate solely on improving your well being. Seeing a psychiatrist does not mean you are not normal, so don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks. I have been on my meds for almost ten years and still have regular appointments just to touch base. I still have problems like anyone else, but they are just easier to deal with now. I still worry, but I don't obsess over situations. My meds just don't allow me to go too far down or too far up. I'm just balanced a bit better. 
No miracles. 

Do it now. You will be so glad you did. I promise.


I wish you the very best !


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

mrwithers said:


> I had a friend that was depressed and I always tried to give them advice on how to not be depressed so they sent me this comic. It's kind of funny in a way and has a good ending but it explained a lot to me about how depression feels. You might be able to relate and get a giggle out of it:
> 
> Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two
> 
> Thank you for sharing your feelings. Why did you punch the guy who touched your shoulder?


Im absolutely terrified of men. And thanks that's exactly how I feel about everything, except horses, there are always horses lol.

I will punch any man I don't know that comes to close and I panic. Mostly its young large men. If I know them its a little different, im not as afraid.


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

Thank you all for taking the time to talk to me. I will try to do something to get over this but to be honest I cant go to a doctor or place right now. I got a job though, don't have to deal with people at all. I am gonna save some money and buy a truck. Hopefully if I can drive I can get out of here and do something.

I was hauling a horse with my aunt the other day and a boy talked to me!!! and he didn't have to!!! We were at a gas station and he told me it was a pretty horse I couldn't look him in the face but I said thank you and he said have fun with your horse! lol made me feel more confident. Guys NEVER talk to me, or notice me, or go out with me


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## MaximasMommy (Sep 21, 2013)

If I were you I would check into a facility until my medicine was working. Prozac changed my life and I don't need it anymore either.


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## mrwithers (Jun 25, 2014)

rescuechick said:


> I was hauling a horse with my aunt the other day and a boy talked to me!!! and he didn't have to!!! We were at a gas station and he told me it was a pretty horse I couldn't look him in the face but I said thank you and he said have fun with your horse! lol made me feel more confident. Guys NEVER talk to me, or notice me, or go out with me


Awesome  Most boys have a hard time approaching girls to talk to them too. What kind of horse does your aunt have?


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## rescuechick (Jun 8, 2014)

mrwithers said:


> Awesome  Most boys have a hard time approaching girls to talk to them too. What kind of horse does your aunt have?


we think he is a tb cross but unsure. I ride him sometimes he is sort of a jerk lol.


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

Hey there, more on the biology of depression, from a specialist on health and environment, whom I know personally and can totally vouch for.

DrDingle.com - Blog New - Antidepressants Donâ€™tÂ Work

A nice review of the efficacy of antidepressants as well. Other parts of his site offer very useful information on all sorts of health matters. He is not a quack but a peer reviewed scientist, and his work is much more trustworthy than that of scientists in the employ of pharmaceutical companies, and his understanding of nutrition and toxicology is completely first-rate, which is NOT the case with general doctors. It pays to be informed...


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