# How do I go on?



## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

Grief comes in many forms and ways of showing itself...
To me, you grieve when you cared and truly loved and lost a part of you..._*it hurts.*_
It is also a normal part of healing, and everyone has a healing pace and reconciliation to the loss that is only yours so please do not compare you to anyone else..._*you* are special and a individual. _

I've grieved the loss of family members and my/our animals deeply...they, were family and loved and are greatly missed.

You don't need permission, but someone actually saying it...
_*You have permission to be unhappy, to cry, to feel a loss deep inside you... to just not feel right because you are not.*_
You're hurting and grieving that loss of something, someone very important to your being you..
It takes time, no one knows how long, but time to heal.
I won't lie and say it goes away....it lessens but it never goes completely away and at times it is triggered by the strangest of things...and memories come flooding in...mostly good but sometimes sad memories too.
I call those tough times my melancholy times...but the good memories also flood in, the fond remembrances of what we did together...
In time, the void shrinks, but no, for me it never went completely away but it no longer is consuming...

You just lost Sloane, your hurt *is* very real and deep...give yourself permission to be whatever you need to be to help heal.
You know all of us here are sending virtual support and many hugs, handing boxes of Kleenex cause we all need them when we hurt like this....
Know we care as do those at the barn-family...but its OK to need some time for you and to do at your pace.
_You do you..._.adapt and heal as only you can and know you are surrounded by caring people who only want to lessen your pain and hurt...
Hugs, feel those comforting hugs.

_hlg._


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## seniorider (Dec 13, 2019)

horselovinguy said:


> Grief comes in many forms and ways of showing itself...
> To me, you grieve when you cared and truly loved and lost a part of you..._*it hurts.*_
> It is also a normal part of healing, and everyone has a healing pace and reconciliation to the loss that is only yours so please do not compare you to anyone else..._*you* are special and a individual. _
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. Since I first posted about Sloane you have been there with support and advice. I am so grateful.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

My heart aches for you. It really is like losing another piece of ourselves. Every time someone I've loved passed, including pets, I feel like I'm an Island and the sea has taken a chunk of out of me. Eventually, there'll be nothing left. But until then I can be refuge for others in need. It's all that keeps me going some days.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why couldn't you get another horse - and I hope you know I don't mean as a replacement. I've had so many pets over the years, each are unique. I know older people or those with injuries that own for the joy of owning, but have someone else do the riding and training so if it got to a point they couldn't take care of them anymore, their baby would be well setup for a good future. Maybe a mini-something. Or having an older animal for companionship. I have six animals that would join me over the rainbow, if something were to happen to me. They require specialist care and handling, no one would take on their expenses or challenging behaviour willingly anyway. 

I know what you mean, it isn't the same. I don't want to suggest filling a void for the sake of it - I just simply can't imagine myself without some poor critter in need. 

Five days isn't enough. Maybe not even five years, to ever fully heal. But you're walking on soil that Sloane did and living under the same sky. He's not gone-gone. But he's definitely resting. I laugh when I think of my mum and my old dogs, berate them for leaving me to do all the cooking and cleaning, talking to myself, walking the routes I used to share with them. Humour helps me at least, even as the tears flow. 

hugs for you x


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## seniorider (Dec 13, 2019)

Kalraii said:


> My heart aches for you. It really is like losing another piece of ourselves. Every time someone I've loved passed, including pets, I feel like I'm an Island and the sea has taken a chunk of out of me. Eventually, there'll be nothing left. But until then I can be refuge for others in need. It's all that keeps me going some days.
> 
> I hope you don't mind me asking, but why couldn't you get another horse - and I hope you know I don't mean as a replacement. I've had so many pets over the years, each are unique. I know older people or those with injuries that own for the joy of owning, but have someone else do the riding and training so if it got to a point they couldn't take care of them anymore, their baby would be well setup for a good future. Maybe a mini-something. Or having an older animal for companionship. I have six animals that would join me over the rainbow, if something were to happen to me. They require specialist care and handling, no one would take on their expenses or challenging behaviour willingly anyway.
> 
> ...


Thank you. There are two reasons for not getting another horse: my age and my husband. I am turning 70 and worry about getting too frail or cognitively impaired or both, to care for a horse. This is what has happened to my friend at 75. The bigger reason is my husband. Horses were not part of the picture when he and I got married and he is not a horse guy. He is really a city person who would like to be in New York City more. He gave up his NYC aprtment during the pandemic and regrets it. We almost borke up over the time and money I spent on my mare, Baghera, but after she died he became very supportive of getting another horse. He saw how important it was to me and he never balked at anything I had to do for Sloane. He loved him. But now, with Sloane gone, I don't feel it is fair to him to get yet another horse. He wants to travel more and do city things and maybe he deserves this.


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## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

He deserves but so do you...you have a partnership, and part of that partnership is seeing the other happy too.
So, maybe instead of "owning" the friends horse who now can not take care of alone can be where you can still find a niche and happiness for you.
Nothing will take the place of Sloane, but we always have room in our hearts for a different arrangement and new form of love to go round.
Your husband wants to travel, city things to me is theater and cultural....but they will not take you 24/7 nor 365 a year to do...
A sharing of time, of interests...
I love to travel but also am glad to be home in my home with my comfy surroundings familiar...think we are all like that if honest.
Cultural also is a few hours, maybe a weekend to do the city and see events, participate...but you don't have to lose you either. 
Somehow there must be a balance found and one it sounds your husband is more than willing to let you do if he was this way with Sloane....
Once horses are in the blood, they never leave is true.... I walked away for many years, my husband though knew I was unhappy and made it possible for me to have another...
I don't ride as much as I use to but just having them in the yard, look out my window and see them is comforting to me and my husband who will never admit it is as much a mush about the boys as I am...he dotes on them...truly.

So, maybe a compromise of do some for and with him and he might come to the barn and share some of what you so enjoy or at least let you enjoy...
Seeing happy and content on our partners face and in their existence gives us peace and content too...just my thought.
Don't give everything up...it will make you miserable and it won't help the heal but stagnate the loss to lingering deep hurt longer I think and eventually a resentment of how much you gave up of you.
🐴....


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

I can’t really imagine not having my own horse either. When I have had those moments, I have been hasty to replace the hole, and sometimes that rush got me into trouble. I only say that to explain I know that feeling.

You are grieving now, and like @horselovinguy said, you get to just be sad for a bit.

Yet, I think you might decide in a bit that you cannot handle not having a horse of your own. You are allowed to have your wants, and you do need to take his into consideration and try to find a balance of both of your needs rather than build resentment on either side I think.

As far as your age, I don’t feel 70 is very old. I feel at 70 you may be getting your last horse, but not that you are too old to get one. If you did have problems starting early, then he simply starts a new chapter in life with someone else. If you were close to 90 I would agree, but 70 isn’t the time to start feeling old!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

A few things:

1) I am so sorry for your loss.

2) Did you perform any sort of funeral or ceremony? Sometimes people think it odd to do that for animals, but it can help so much. Light a candle (not at the barn, of course). Take one of his favorite treats to a place he loved and bury them there, two of his favorite things in one. Put some flowers on his stall door if it is still vacant, or on the gate of his favorite pasture. Invite friends if that would comfort you, or take the time just for yourself. Get one of his old horseshoes polished and have his name etched into it. Sometimes some sort of ritual just helps us feel a sense of closure. I have the rabies tag of one of my most beloved cats with her name etched into it; it's on my keys so it comes with me everywhere. It's not much, but it helps me.

3) I can't tell from your post, have you actually discussed with your husband another horse, or are you assuming that another wouldn't be fair to him? If you haven't discussed it, you should.

4) There are ways to have your own horse and still do the traveling that your husband wants. Go into ownership with someone else; multiple horses at the barn where I ride are half owned by two different people. It requires negotiation and flexibility, sure, but it would mean someone to take care of your horse if you are away or if something happened to you. You could also buy a horse and do a partial lease, so you can spend more time at home while still knowing someone is there to exercise and fuss over your horse.

I'm sure there are other ideas, but those are the ones that I can think of right now.

Wishing you healthy healing.


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## seniorider (Dec 13, 2019)

Danneq said:


> A few things:
> 
> 1) I am so sorry for your loss.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. Sloane's ashes are being delivered to me Tuesday along with his braided tail and polished shoes. My husband and I will do some sort of service for him as we did with Baghera and have done with all the cats we have lost.

I haven't discussed another horse with my husband, just told him from the get go that Sloane would be my last. I am still figuring out the shape of my life now, but all of you are helping me so much.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

Hugs of comfort going out to you.

Give yourself permission to feel all that you feel. It's ok to be sad, angry, feel guilty or whatever other emotion comes up. You already know it just takes time so I'll not say that. 

If at some point you feel you need another horse in your life then you can visit that idea but for now just put one step in front of the other. Sometimes that is all we are capable of doing.


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## walkinthewalk (Jul 23, 2008)

@seniorider you have received many wonderful and thoughtful pieces of advice, that I can’t add to but only nod in agreement as I reach out to hug you.

As someone who has laid six of my Keeper horses to rest in my lifetime, I can say that all those feelings you are experiencing do not go away, no matter how many have been sent on to their ancestors. I have wondered with each of them, if I had done some things different, would it have mattered.

At age 75, I still have a 28 yr old and the newly acquired 26 yr old as a companion after Joker’s passing last spring. Had Rusy been in a boarding situation I would not have taken on another horse because he would have had plenty of company at a boarding facility.

Don’t be too quick to dismiss the idea of a horse in your life. If you are physically capable you can always volunteer at a riding therapy program for the emotionally challenged. These groups are always in need of qualified, kind-hearted help😇😇.


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## unclearthur (Feb 25, 2012)

Losing a horse is always a horrible experience, and one which never gets any easier. I sometimes wish it would, but real life's not like that.
Take your time before coming to a decision. I'm on my sixth horse in 50 years and each time I lost one it took at least a few months before I was ready to even think about looking for another. Because you're right about the feelings immediately after loss - mostly guilt, regret and self-recrimination that maybe if I'd done somethin g differently I could have changed the eventual outcome. All wrong, of course, but a natural reaction of anyone who treats their horse with the (I hope) love and respect it deserves.
So don't rush. All the good things seem distant at this time but will once again come to the fore. They did for me and I'm sure you wont be any different. You'll never forget, however many you have, because horses aren't pets, or even companions: they get woven into our lives. 
I'm not quite your age but thought the fifth horse might be my last. So when I lost him unexpectedly to a colic I was in two minds. Having a winter free of mucking-out was bliss, but a very surreal experience after such a long time when it was part of everyday life. In the end I decided I wasn't quite ready to give up riding yet and was lucky enough to find a new one.

Best wishes,
Jonathan


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## Zimalia22 (Jun 15, 2021)

All of a sudden, I find myself in the same boat pulling on that grief oar. 
I have to admit, I've never had losing a horse effect me as losing Cat has. I guess I just thought he'd always be with me, just as you with your Sloane.
I've lost horses I was close to before, but not like this. Cat was my working partner for a very long time. If you saw me, he was right there too.

Believe me, I do understand. 

I also think that in time, we will both move on, and remember the good times and not being all choked up. 

Hugs to you.


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## seniorider (Dec 13, 2019)

Zimalia22 said:


> All of a sudden, I find myself in the same boat pulling on that grief oar.
> I have to admit, I've never had losing a horse effect me as losing Cat has. I guess I just thought he'd always be with me, just as you with your Sloane.
> I've lost horses I was close to before, but not like this. Cat was my working partner for a very long time. If you saw me, he was right there too.
> 
> ...


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## 3Horses2DogsandaCat (Apr 19, 2016)

I'm so sorry for your loss! I know how hard to it is to lose a loved pet.


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