# The Road Away From 'Can't'



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

you write very well, indeed. I hope no one ever told you you couldn't write, because they are wrong!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Thank you, Tiny.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Dreams are interesting things to talk about with people. Depending on who you're talking to, they're either optimistic light-bringing type things, or they're pessimistic, 'would be nice, but...' Type things. Of course, the dreams of which I speak are more like life goals and less like the nightly adventures your mind takes you on while you sleep. 

I finished my last post telling you that I would tell you about my life-goal and why I can't achieve it. So I'll lay it on the line.

I want to build a therapeutic-type lesson barn that has a target audience in battered women and children from abusive and other traumatic situations. In this program, I want to focus on the spirituality and sense of purpose one can find in being around horses, the sense of empowerment one achieves from successfully lunging a horse at liberty, and sense of self-discovery found in working these massive creatures. Additionally, I'd like to offer a lesson cirriculum that builds a solid horse person, not *just* a horse rider. One that covers basic health care, basic ground work exercises and why they're important, easy ways to troubleshoot normal problem behaviors and when to know to call it quits, ask for help or self-address a situation. I want to build self and spatial awareness in the rider, helping them to identify just how much our presence of mind, lack there-of, the tenseness or rigidity of our bodies can affect the horses in addition to ourselves. I would also like to provide parents of youth an equestrian crash-course in horse ownership, and what it all really entails, as there isn't enough of that out there.s

Lastly, I want to build this lesson programs using BLM mustangs. Horses that, I have recently discovered, are seriously misunderstood creatures, wrangled up and brought in to sit in holding rather than ravage their homelands. I understand the necessity of the roundups. I also understand that, in an already floundering industry with plenty being shipped, neglected and abused, this caters to a very small percent of a very small population. But that's the dream, all spelled out. 

A smaller goal of mine is to compete in a mustang makeover. I love the idea of a time crunch, trying to bring in and tame a wild horse in just a few months. I love the idea of getting a random horse assigned to me, having had no part in picking it out and therefore no bias in how it seems to act or think, and then seeing how far we can go.

Of course, one is a very big, ornate life goal I can't achieve. The other is equally as unlikely. I already know this.

First and foremost, seeing as how horses are such a big portion of this life goal, I can already tell you I don't know nearly enough. I don't know how to lunge a horse, and couldn't tell or show anyone else in this world how to do so, either. Basic first-aide? Hah! I barely manage the concept with humans and my own pets. Like I said, I spent at least four years being a student to a money mosquito. Still a story for later.

And let's focus on what I can't do in terms of the human side of this life-goal. There's the counseling, which I'm not qualified to do and am not sure I would want to go to college to study. Yes, I was raised in an abusive home. Yes, I have watched abusive spousal relationships and I have also helped friends identify the fact that they were dating abusers too. This does not make me a pro at handling these kinds of situations at all, especially since I myself haven't experienced it.

Not to mention the finances of owning and opperating this kind of business, the legalities behind being a counselor or offering equestrian lessons, creating my own cirriculum when I haven't even truly started being a student myself? The whole thing is laughable, truly, when one looks at the reality of the situation. 

So, perhaps I should think smaller scale. Just adopt my own mustang and experience horse ownership. Except, what, realistically, would I do with a horse? I'm not rolling in cash, I have rent, bills, healthcare to think about. I have pets who need my time, I myself need to exercise, there's the matter of finding a place to board it that would be convenient and close enough to merit having one - and, I'm not a good enough rider to be riding alone yet. That was the problem my instructors were having with me before I stopped riding altogether.

So what now, do I think smaller still? Perhaps take lessons again? That's all good and dandy, except the only barns in my area cater to the 'I just wanna ride!' Population, all of the places I contact are taken aback and reject my requests to learn things from the ground up. 'We teach horseback riding.' Or, 'That is really more for horse trainers to do...' And, besides, why take lessons if, at the rate I'm going, I won't be able to afford one, anyway? I already experienced the frustrating toilet-flush of a lesson barn that doesn't want to train horse people. I'm not keen on going back.

And this is my 'can't.' All of it is logical, it is all against me. I can't make this life-goal feasible because I just don't have the knowledges needed. 'It's not like you grew up on a farm.' And, 'it's not like you're half way done with college already!' And, 'who is going to pay for all that college? You won't make enough to pay off student loans!' 

How would I pursue this goal? Equestrian based education is too specialized and focused on just horses - a bad move, if something happens and I can't continue to ride or be involved. Being a counselor might be ok, but there's also the question of business school to learn the proper ways of running my own business on the up-and-up. There's a matter of establishing myself in both the horse world - which, I haven't been in since I was a toddler and therefore do not really exist in - as well as the counseling world. 

So, for now, I will focus on what I _can_ do. I _can_ watch and study videos online, I _can_ volunteer at a therapeutic riding center, and, I _can_ find other means of education. It's just a matter of taking smaller steps.

I might never get to open the business I stated above. That's ok, because I know the logic and will not dwell on it. But maybe I can find a way to climb the ladder, and achieve the mustang makeover.

I won't know until I try.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I would suggest looking for a horse to half lease. If you find someone who will share their horse, they can teach you a lot. It would be a good place to start. Discard, for a year at least, any long term thoughts and just see what you can learn about horses. Craigslist or Facebook might be a good place to start.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I really like that idea! Finances are a little tight, and this journal is a little behind current happenings but that is definitely something I'll look into.

At the money-sucking place I used to lesson, and part of my frustration due to it, I did do a half-lease type deal. It afforded me plenty of time in the saddle, but... Looking back, I didn't come away having learnt much for the money put in. I was passed from instructor to instructor... I really do need to sit down and write that ordeal out.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

One of my earliest horse memories, and one I seldom share, is of a trail ride my grandparents took me on at a local stable. I was Four, maybe five and just so excited because I was finally big enough to be ponied on my very own horse behind the wrangler. I can remember her to this day - a thin little red-head, probably in her twenties - bringing me over to a separate hitching post from the rest that had four horses saddled and ready to go.

"You can pick any of these guys to ride!" She had beamed at me, winking at someone behind me. I stared at her for a second before, in a very proud, obstinate sort of way, marching right up to a gigantic black and white paint. The woman laughed, "figures she'd pock the biggest boy we got! This is Stormy, he's some sort of draft mix, but he's a good boy."

My grandparents were worried he'd be too big, but at the reassurance of the wrangler, they were directed to their own mounts and we were on our way. We had made it up the first hill when, quite randomly, Stormy reared up, landed, spun around and bit at the horse my grandpa was on. 

I stayed on.

I don't remember much else, other than that I had instinctively leaned forward and clutched his mane when he was on his back feet. I held his mane when he spun, and I remember grabbing the reins and pulling him back after he went after the horse behind us. By the time the wrangler reacted, I was sitting on a huffing, puffing, mighty Stormy, laughing and trying mightily to keep him away from my grandpa's horse. The wrangler picked the lead rope up off the ground, other wranglers and the head wrangler had come sprinting up the hill, and my grandparents were in a huff over the whole ordeal. It all had happened so fast. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok, and amazingly, being as young as I was, still laughing, I actually pointed at my grandpa.

"Maybe you better check on him, I think he had'a accident!!"

Of course he was mortified, but at the insistence of a refund and extra hour free, and rearranging the string of horses, our ride continued and it was a beautiful one. I rode a huge, draft-type thing, we laughed a lot about things I don't quite remember, it was a glorious sunny day. 

A few weeks after that ride, I found myself back at that stable, with my mom this time. I don't really remember why, but mom had disappeared into the wrangler's office to talk to the head wrangler and I found myself wandering around the property. There were no horses ready to ride, but there was a man in a round pen, working this gorgeous grey mare. Her name was one of those old-timey, really classic type ones, like Sadie or Annie. He was free lunging her, and doing figure-eights or rollbacks, just changing her direction frequently. I asked if it was ok to watch him, and stood on the fence when he said yes.

That man is why I will never understand those who 'just want to ride.'

He was quiet for a few minutes before he looked me up and down and said, 'she's pregnant. Gonna be a momma real soon. I do this with with her every so often, keep her brain busy."

He explained how it made them friends, which, looking back, was a good way of describing a kind of bond. I watched for a few more minutes before he called it quits, slipping a halter back on her and leading her over to me. He gave me a cookie and said I could give it to her. Before he left, that man shook my hand, and, I will never know or remember why, very earnestly and sternly said, "There is so much more to these critters than just the saddle."

It's the kind of thing a person doesn't forget. The look, the firmness of the handshake, tone of voice, what he said, or the fact that he said it to a five year old that randomly asked to wastch all of five minutes of his round pen session with his pregnant horse. Maybe it meant nothing, which it more than likely did, but it has never left me and it is what sparked my interest in training and diving deeper for what it is today.

Riding, truly, is just a tiny aspect of the things we do with horses. I'd say that 93% of the time I spent at the barn when I lessoned was doing other things - grooming, catching, helping someone else catch, getting tack out, putting it away. Of course that was based on only going out for an hour two times a week and with no training or horse ownership responsibilities, which only add onto the insane to-do list that comes with horses. Even when I was more involved, riding was a very small portion of the experiences.

So why share these two memories? What's the point? They serve to remind me of the fact that this journey isn't a wild hare up my butt. 'Horsey' was my first word. I would gesture and point at horses before I could speak. I've been horse on the brain since I was little, and the love for horses, though diminished, survived even my most vehement attempts to force myself to outgrow them. I get disheartened every so often because of the fact that I know so little, and was raised in the wrong life style to have any real future with one. I know the impracticalities of the dream, and I know the current impracticalities that would prevent me from purchasing a horse any time soon. But the fact still remains.

I get lonely and become a stranger to myself when I abjectly deny that I have a passion for these specific creatures. I can't pretend I don't love them, and I can't force myself to stop. Because, in the recesses of my mind, there is a little five year old, standing on a round pen panel, watching an old timer work a grey horse, and hearing, being reminded that...

There is so much more to these critters than just a saddle.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I've made mention a couple of times about a bad expeirence with the money-sucking waste of a lesson barn that I invested quite a bit of time and money into. I think, before catching this journal up to present day, I should share the tale. 

It started with my first big move. I didn't want to relocate, and, in true kid form, agreed to go on the term that I finally get into riding lessons. It was a shock that the folks agreed. Thus began the search - there were a lot of options all over the state, but the area we were moving had the fewest options. Go figure. After a lot of searching, we finally found and settled on a barn that advertised a 'friendly, family like' environment, was 'looking for students who wanted to know all aspects of horse ownership' and had wonderful testimonial about the owner. We sent the first e-mail, and it was scheduled for the following month to have the first lesson due to their level of business.

When we first got out there, we were met by no one. Literally, we were only a couple minutes early due to issues with the directions, but there were no cars at all in the lot and no one wandering around the stable. We cautiously walked over to the barn and up the aisle. There were a lot of horses, big, OTTB types, and we were greeted by a massive, friendly, chestnut. The instructor ended up being about fifteen minutes late to her own lesson, without calling us to let us know. She was young, and explained that she was a student herself in college, selling lessons to help with tuition while also taking lessons from the owner of the barn.

This should have been a red flag. But, we (I) were ignorant. There is nothing wrong with a student teaching or assisting another student, but, I would later find out, that the quality of instruction was drastically different between the owner of the barn and the lady I took my first lessons frim.

Prior to this lesson barn, I had taken four lessons from a lady in our old town. They were done in her back yard, and she let me groom for a coiple minutes before saddling her horse up, theowing me on and letting me ride around for a half hour or so at a trot. That was it, in directive, goals, instruction.... Just "kick and go!" So, in terms of quality instruction, I had a much better go of it. This woman at least let me catch the horse, taught me to groom and basic anatomy of the horse and then put me on for a little bit. In all, we spent about three hours out there for the first lesson. After, we set up a schedule and thus lessons begun.

I was only thirteen at the time.

Lessons went as follows - show up at least thirty minutes early, catch and prepare your horse, ride for an hour, then put the horse away. After the first lesson, the instructor left me and mom to our own devices. It's never good to have two novices walking through a group-pen to catch a horse they're unfamiliar with. The way that facility was set up, there are multiple group paddocks that all open into one massive group pasture that horses are turned out to. Which means you have to walk through a herd of horses that may or may not get along, to get to the paddock your lesson horse is kept in, to catch him, get him out of his paddock (immediately into the pasture with up to fourteen loose horses...), and then out of the pasture. If you were lucky, you didn't end up with a trail of horses trying to escape when you were trying to lead your horses out. If not, you had to fight off several loose horses, while leading your own horse, maneuvering the gates and not letting anyone escape either. This is hard for newbies to do, not going to lie.

The lessons I recieved from my first instructor were alright. We focused on head movements, building muscle and general activities, like geound poles. She spent much of her time on her cellphone. I was so happy, I didn't care. It wasn't until she was out sick and I had a lesson with the barn owner that I learned that there could be more to lessons - actual goals to work toward that, while still pertaining to the objective of the lesson, made it more fun to do the activities. I asked after my first lesson with the owner if I could lesson with her, and was told 'no,' because I didn't have the skill to be one of her riders.

If that happened to me now, I would be livid. It is my opinion, that if your website offers a catering to a newbie population and makes no mention of student instructors, you should be willing to take on beginner riders, especially if one is asking to work with you. I know that some instructors find it redundant to work with the newbies, but the way she said it was very degrading and still to this day strikes me as an "I'm better than your level of riding so, no." Given that the website boasted about its environment, the attitude seemed out of place. I still remember venting at mom about how rude she had sounded when she said no.

I lessoned with the first instructor for a few months before she quit and another lesson instructor was brought on. This girl, another college student, proceeded to retrain me, undoing everything I had just spent months working on. It was frustrating, but after a few months with her, she gave me my first canter and I felt ok about moving forward with her. 

I spent the next two years in kind of a plateau. Slowly, the lesson barn population dwindled and this was the only barn giving lessons in a reasonable distance. I went through three other college student instructors in that year, which was annoying because they kept retraining me, and the owner kept denying my requests to lesson with her. Then, they managed to talk my mother into a summer half-lease, where I would spend thre days a week out there, working and riding numerous times a day. The half lease was a couple grand but promised a lot of saddle time, so we moved forward with it. 

Big, mistake. 

Yes. I got a lot of saddle time. But with the varying types of instruction, being bounced between three instructors depending on who was there that day, it didn't do much. I was constantly being critiqued, corrected and told I was wrong. If I wasn't in the saddle, I was mucking stalls or pens, or feeding,mif we were there in the morming. That half-lease basically just got the barn owner free labor that WE paid for. I learned and was shown nothing in the way of horse care. Any time health stuff arose, horses were taken away and it was treated like classified information. For a 'lesson barn that teaches all aspects of horse ownership' they didn't teach much health care, or training, wise. Now, don't get me wrong, they are also a boarding operation. So if it had been a boarder horse, it would have made sense not to divulge the private owner's info. But they often did the same with lesson horses. My whole summer was spent cleaning paddocks, stalls and runs and feeding. On none of those days were we given multiple lessons, as was promised on the lease, and there were other things that were discussed that didn't happen.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for helping out around the barn, I love mucking and such. But, there were things verbally promised that made the lease worth the amount of money paid that didn't happen. Given our ignorance, I'm sure the verbal promises weren't in the lease and there was no breach of contract. But it still irritates me. There were four of us who ended up providing what was, essentially, free labor to the barn, only getting one lesson. Not to mention, the lessons we got that summer were directed by the barn owner herself. The other three riders that summer had been lessoning with, we'll call her Lori, for months. I was the only lessee that Lori viewed as 'inadequate' for her lessons, and it showed.

Many of the lessons that summer, I was riding in the arena with the other three people, but I was largely ignored by the instructor. I could have been (not that I did) whipping the horse and yanking his face all over, and she wouldn't have noticed. She once asked us all to canter four laps, and we did. I had lost my stirrup and managed to stay on without it all four laps. She actually looked at me and said, "sorry, I forgot you were in the lesson. Do it again."

At the time, I didn't mind. I was happy to be riding at all. But I know now that I would be furious. The constant bouncing around did nothing for the technical side of riding, and even though I was in the saddle three days a week, I was essentially paying for invisible instructors who taught me nothing, contradicted themselves and often let me figure it out on my own.

By the end of the lease, I had invested two years into the barn. In that time, I had learned nothing about ground work. Not even the simplest things like backing the horse up or moving its feet. My saddle instruction was poor at best and, after two years, I still couldn't ride a straight line off the rail. I kept with it, because if it wasn't that barn, it was none at all. Plus at that time, they were the only contact I had with the outside world.

The third year was split between a new college instructor, who would teach a lesson and then turn around and take a lesson with the barn owner, and the barn owner herself. This new college instructor was worse than the first, constantly texting and calling people on the phone while teaching. Once, the horse I was on spooked and sped across the arena. I was dangling off his side, barely managing to stay on and all the way on the other side before she looked up, scoffed, and said, "you need to control your horse better." She went back to texting after that.

After that lady, the owner had an issue finding help for a while and so she had to field all of her lessons for the time being. Naturally, this meant I took lessons with her. She decided to start having me jump - remember, I still had issues riding in a straight line - and got mad when I couldn't do the jumps. 

"It's been almost three years!" 

Right. Almost three years, I remember reflecting after that. The three years had gone so fast, I had tolerated so much junk, so many different instructors, instruction styles, so much contradicting information. It left a bad taste in my mouth, and I decided to quit. You hit a point where enough is enough. Depression hit hard, though. Quitting the lessons left me at home all the time, no computer and 'homeschooled,' constantly with my parents. My grades started slipping, I was missing the horses, no internet to distract me. I got it in my head to force myself to stop loving horses, ripped all my pictures off the wall.... It was a bad time.

Then, a miracle happened and mom signed me back up for lessons. There was a new instructor now, she was a little older and she was the first to emphasize anything on the ground. She taught me how to do things on the ground like back them up, move their shoulder, and she tried teaching me to lunge. Then we focused on saddle time. She had brought a project of hers, a grade horse she had just really started, and she let me put a lot of firsts on him. First trot pole, first lesson student. It was exciting, but didn't last long. One time I was trying to lunge him and the barn owner literally yanked the rope out of my hand and told me I couldn't lunge him because I wasn't doing it right.

Then she told my instructor not to teach me because she didn't want to see me ruin a horse.

There's that 'can't' again.

It was hard to hear, and it didn't make sense to me. I remember asking my instructor what I did so wrong. She was just as confused as me. My mistakes were basic rookie mistakes, it's not like I had made the horse bleed or something. But, she held true to her boss' word and my ground work stopped. I was crushed. I had enjoyed the ground work and helping her train him so much... We focused on saddle time, and I eventually hit a plateau in trotting. I quit shortly after that, and returned to forcing myself to stop liking horses. 

Maybe that barn owner was right, I remember thinking. I can't lunge a horse. I can't do any basic stuff anywhere else in life, so why should horses be any different?

It's only now, several years after having quit, that I realize she was wrong. She treated me like I was beneath her, that barn owner. She handed me off to pretty much anyone else who would take me, and I never got an answer why. I asked people if I had done something wrong and the answer was usually, 'there's just some people she doesn't like. There's not always a reason.' I guess I was one of those people.

And that's why I want a refund. I know I'll never get one.

Looking back on the four years is frustrating. I gave her a lot of free labor, even, toward the end, doing a work exchange for lesson time. I gave her a lot of time and patience. I was very forgiving of the attitude, struggling quality of lessons, and even the 'lesson' horses. Who, looking back, were all really high-strung. Over half couldn't be tied because they'd pull back, none had desensitizing work done on them (god forbid there be a tarp in eye shot of an arena...), and very few were easy to catch. I feel like I wasted my time, and I'm not sure it's possible to convey my frustrations accurately here.

The biggest frustration is the fact that my past self, nor my mother, put a stop to it sooner and saved us the money. The key factor, I guess, is that mom didn't care (my petsitting money paid for the lessons and the lease they payed for, but I payed off in increments) and I just wanted to be around the horses. It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, though. It was stupid and I know that woman didn't care about the quality of education she put out there for others to learn from. 

There's a great saying out there....
"You can't turn the page if you keep rereading the first paragraph." That saying is a big part of this journal. I get so angry over that experience and the ignorance and stupidity of it all, but, I'll try to take some stuff, what little stuff, I learned there and move forward, in a hopefully better direction.


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## Reds La Boop (Jan 16, 2017)

Hello TwoTap,
I am a trainer and instructor. I can help you. First thing you need to do is quit focusing on the negativity. You should not be fretting so much.
A dream is a dream. It is really good to dream. For it to go any further you will have to take a jump. If you are willing to take the jump then don't let go. Do that and it becomes an endeavor. Success is measured by your own satisfaction.
Answer a few questions here. Can you watch video I post here for you? Can you understand that sometimes I may miss a day getting to you? We stay very busy. Last but not least, can you understand that no question is a stupid question with me?
I will be glad to help you. If you take the jump, I will let you help me train a mustang right from where you are. I will show you things and as you understand them we will start a horse together.
Let me know. Let the power of The Horse Forum be with you


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Twotap, I just want to encourage you to realize there's a very wide grey area between I can't and I'm going to prove to the universe that I can! 

It's good to have dreams, but yours is very specific. Who knows, maybe it will happen, but stay open to the many winding paths that life can take to get to where you want to be. I grew up with horses, getting my first pony when I was five. My first drawing was of a horse. But for a while, it wan't practical for me to have horses. I changed career paths three times. 

I studied for a really long time. Had two kids. Horses had to take a backseat. And that's ok! I have no regrets. I have two amazing kids, including a daughter who is a far better rider than I ever was because I had the knowledge and money to give her years of lessons with the best coach in the area. I have a career that I love with a flexible schedule that pays well enough for me to have just built my dream barn.

What I'm trying to say is that I never could have predicted all the turns my life took, but I ended up where I wanted to be in the end. If your ideas for the future are too rigid, you may miss wonderful opportunities along the way. Having the goal to have a horse someday and doing a lot of fun things like liberty training is great. But few people I know who run large stables had a very detailed vision of what they would end up doing. Just keep spending time learning about horses and riding, even therapeutic riding, but remain open to where it takes you. Often, the idea you have in your head of something doesn't match with reality so it needs to be adjusted. Be flexible in having goals and realize that sometimes you will have to take detours to get to where you want to be.


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## elkdog (Nov 28, 2016)

TwoTap said:


> Dreams are interesting things to talk about with people. Depending on who you're talking to, they're either optimistic light-bringing type things, or they're pessimistic, 'would be nice, but...' Type things. Of course, the dreams of which I speak are more like life goals and less like the nightly adventures your mind takes you on while you sleep.
> 
> I finished my last post telling you that I would tell you about my life-goal and why I can't achieve it. So I'll lay it on the line.
> 
> ...


I have a friend (retired) from the U.S. boarder patrol. In the 1990s he started a program to patrol the U.S. boarders using the American mustang. It took years to get going, but he won the equivalent of a medal of honor for his efforts. The program is still in effect today and as far as I know they are always looking for GOOD trainers. Something you might look into.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I can be the queen of negativity and pessimism sometimes too. I know the feeling very well. What I would like to say to you is one of the things that really helps, is to focus on very small increments of progress, and be grateful for them. Write them down so you can re-read them later. You can have a big future goal but let it be like a foggy distant light to keep you oriented in the right direction. Meanwhile focus on now. What are you doing now? Are you enjoying it, now? If you aren't, is it because it feels like it is clearly heading you in the wrong direction, or because you haven't really noticed it, because what isn't happening is more important than what is?

The big secret is, the future doesn't actually exist at all. Neither does the past. They are only ideas. What does exist is right now this moment, and I am here to tell you that where you end up -- who you ultimately become -- will consist of decisions and habits that you are making right now, and now, and now -- a succession of nows. The habit of gratitude, the habit of openness to opportunity and learning, the habit of looking around you instead of always inside, those things can be consciously, slowly, ingrained, and they will make your path both clearer and happier. And there is never a time when you can't start doing that.

I wish that someone had told me this (or that I had listened), when I was a lot younger! But on the other hand, I realize that messages are only heard when the ear is ready to hear them, and never before, and you can't force this on yourself or anyone else.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Reds La Boop said:


> Hello TwoTap,
> I am a trainer and instructor. I can help you. First thing you need to do is quit focusing on the negativity. You should not be fretting so much.
> A dream is a dream. It is really good to dream. For it to go any further you will have to take a jump. If you are willing to take the jump then don't let go. Do that and it becomes an endeavor. Success is measured by your own satisfaction.
> Answer a few questions here. Can you watch video I post here for you? Can you understand that sometimes I may miss a day getting to you? We stay very busy. Last but not least, can you understand that no question is a stupid question with me?
> ...


This is a very cool opportunity... I have no idea how it would work, but thank you. Red. Really, that means a lot. I don't even know how to convey how much I appreciate the offer.

To answer your questions, I could absolutely watch videos - and totally understand everything would be at your convenience if it happened. I don't like to impose on anyone and like to keep things fair as much as possible. Questions are they only way to learn, after all.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Acadianartist said:


> Twotap, I just want to encourage you to realize there's a very wide grey area between I can't and I'm going to prove to the universe that I can!
> 
> It's good to have dreams, but yours is very specific. Who knows, maybe it will happen, but stay open to the many winding paths that life can take to get to where you want to be. I grew up with horses, getting my first pony when I was five. My first drawing was of a horse. But for a while, it wan't practical for me to have horses. I changed career paths three times.
> 
> ...


It's comforting to hear that things eventually wound back around to a good end destination, it really sounds like you've hit a good place. I do often have to remind myself not to go too extreme - I already know I may never get to open that business, or participate in the make over. But I put them in this journal, largely, as something to reflect on in the future. Six months from now, if I can keep a journal going smoothly, when we (if anyone sticks around, people do flow through this life of ours) look back, what will we see, what kind of person will be updating the journal? I don't know. But I do know that, like my many other ambitions, there is a key somewhere in that ornate goal. It unlocks... Something, through its rigidity and specificity, and, for the first time, offers some sort of guidance and a direction in which to move, which is more than I had six months previously.

Your post, like Avna's, really spoke to me, though. I will do my best not to become locked into one mindset with one goal in mind, and remain open to what opportunites come along. This whole thing is about trying to open up, after all.

Thank you for the kind words. They really do help put things into perspective.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

elkdog said:


> I have a friend (retired) from the U.S. boarder patrol. In the 1990s he started a program to patrol the U.S. boarders using the American mustang. It took years to get going, but he won the equivalent of a medal of honor for his efforts. The program is still in effect today and as far as I know they are always looking for GOOD trainers. Something you might look into.


US Border patrol and American Mustangs? That is really interesting, I'll look it up. Is there any specific organization name? If nothing else it'll be interesting to read about. As it stands, I'm not fit to even train a log, so it would be a while before anything that big happened. Lol


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Avna said:


> I can be the queen of negativity and pessimism sometimes too. I know the feeling very well. What I would like to say to you is one of the things that really helps, is to focus on very small increments of progress, and be grateful for them. Write them down so you can re-read them later. You can have a big future goal but let it be like a foggy distant light to keep you oriented in the right direction. Meanwhile focus on now. What are you doing now? Are you enjoying it, now? If you aren't, is it because it feels like it is clearly heading you in the wrong direction, or because you haven't really noticed it, because what isn't happening is more important than what is?
> 
> The big secret is, the future doesn't actually exist at all. Neither does the past. They are only ideas. What does exist is right now this moment, and I am here to tell you that where you end up -- who you ultimately become -- will consist of decisions and habits that you are making right now, and now, and now -- a succession of nows. The habit of gratitude, the habit of openness to opportunity and learning, the habit of looking around you instead of always inside, those things can be consciously, slowly, ingrained, and they will make your path both clearer and happier. And there is never a time when you can't start doing that.
> 
> I wish that someone had told me this (or that I had listened), when I was a lot younger! But on the other hand, I realize that messages are only heard when the ear is ready to hear them, and never before, and you can't force this on yourself or anyone else.


I'm really thankful that you took the time to put this out there, even if these ears weren't willing to listen - because I heard them, and, like Acadian's post, it really spoke in volumes. For the last few months, I've felt something similar in terms of 'the now' that has been difficult to word. It's been in regards to diet, and usually, 'we won't lose the weight until our bad constants become bad seldoms' or 'tomorrow we'll be having this same discussion over healthy or unhealthy.' 

Seriously, I might just print this whole paragraph out and tape it on the wall, next to the list of daily goals. 

Thank you, very very much.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Now that I have given you the history, at least a good understanding of why there is so much negativity in my mind and line of thinking, I guess I'll start the journey. I don't really know how to format it, as this all took place a few months ago and I need to start there to catch up. So, I'll write the only real way I know how. Story like, or at least, how I have been this whole time. 

I should mention that, since my computer died, I type all of my responses on my phone at home, or if I can, when I'm at the library. If there's a bunch of little mistakes, I do sincerely apologize. I do try edit before submitting, but there's always stuff that slips through the cracks. One day, I'll get a computer again!


It started one morning, quite randomly. I just woke up one day and it dawned on me that I am quite capable of doing things. Maybe not the massive things I wanted in my youth - at one point, I actually had ambitions of being a brain surgeon - but the things I'm often told I can't do. 

For example, there is no reason I can't get into a community college. It would take some doing, and a lot of studying, but it is possible. People from worse educational backgrounds than myself have done it. I can to.

This morning was when I decided that it was high time to get involved with horses again. I missed them, being around them, grooming them, the smell. I checked the local therapeutic riding center and the local rescue. The therapeutic center was closer to where I lived, and, luckily, they were offering orientation and training that week. It was perfect - both of these things happened to fall on my days off, and it was a way to get involved with horses again, for free, and in a way that worked with my work schedule. I called them and asked if there were any available slots in the upcoming orientation, and the girl on the other line was happy to tell me that there were plenty of openings.

The following Wednesday, I found myself stumbling around a ranch that, even though I had never been there, had a vague feeling of familiarity. What was strange was that there was a horse I had never seen before in my life, a massive, Dun Percheron/x gelding we'll call Rootbeer, and before anyone had told me his name, I had known, deep down, what this horse's name was. It was so surreal, but, it also, to me, kind of felt like some sort of sign. Indeed, looking back on it now, one has to wonder what the likelihood of a person randomly deciding to vy for a volunteer slot at a place when the only hold orientations and trainings bimonthly, the fact that training and orientation were both in the same week, on both of my days off (when I didn't have set days off), and then knowing a strange horse's name without introduction? Either I'm magical, or something fell into place.

I signed up for barn team training after that for the following Sunday, and before I knew it, was signed up for the Tuesday barn cleaning shift. 

My first day out there was a little... awkward. I've never volunteered before, and every barn operates differently. The website said that barn cleaning started at eight, and, being a newbie, I showed up at 7:45, trying to show punctuality. However, it turns out that eight means eight and no one else showed up until eight, so I just sat in my car, very unsure of what to do. At training, they hadn't said what to do when you got there, where to start, where to sign in. It was actually quite vague, and I should have asked a lot more questions!

The first person to show up was the volunteer coordinator, 'Fran,' who asked me why I hadn't just gotten to work and why I sat in my car for fifteen minutes. I explained that I hadn't been too sure what to do, and that I wasn't sure how the horses were. Fran laughed, showed me to a barn and told me to sweep the aisle until the barn manager arrived. So I did.

For two hours.

Turns out that the barn manager didn't show up until 10, and that barn team usually showed up around that time because they found it easier to clean the paddocks, stalls and runs after the horses were turned out. And, naturally, a good portion of people left after the horses were turned put. I ended up cleaning the majority of the barns by myself that first day.

I won't lie, it was frustrating, and the negativity kept runningnthrough my mind. Can't, can't, can't. That's about what I remember thinking. 
Can't believe i've cleaned close to 25 stalls by myself.
Can't believe I wasted two hours this morning.
Maybe this was a bad idea, I can't see doing this every Tuesday.

After stall 25 I still had the group paddocks to do, it was close to three, I was tired, fed up and annoyed that I ended up doing so much of the facility alone. I was ready to leave, when, I had a change of heart, and the word 'can't' became different. 

"I signed up for this job, and I *can't* leave it unfinished." 

I rallied, finished the group paddocks, and went home. It was the first time in a long time that the tone of the word 'can't' was an entirely different one, and had a positive outcome. 

I returned to the facility the following week, this time at eight. When the volunteer coordinator arrived, she asked why I had left so quickly the previous week and explained that they had wanted to thank me for the job well done. I thanked her and told her it was no big deal, then I asked if it was ok to clean the stalls before the barn manager arrived. She said yes, and I was thrilled to be able to get an earlier start om the barns. 

This lead me to my first experience with a loose horse in quite some time - six or so years, actually. He was a cute little sorrel with a fat blaze and tall right hind stocking. He was kind of pushy, and this was when I realized just how much I had forgotten about being around them and making them move. I pointed out the stall run door and clucked to get him to move, but he just stared at me blankly. 'It doesn't work that way,' his eyes said, his feet glued to the floor. I stared back, pointing where I wanted him to go and flapping my hand at his rear. 

He tossed his head, holding me in those laughing eyes. 'No, missy, still wrong.' He didn't budge.

I got frustrated, and quietly the doubt started to act up. Can't even make this dang horse move an inch.

I will admit to giving up and just walking around him myself, knowing that it was the wrong move and feeling utterly defeated. I finished his stall and run, and carried on. 

The majority of the horses stayed in their preferred corners, usually out of the way, or, the more sensitive ones would flee the instant I opened their stall door. I was happy not to have to try and move them around again, the laughter, and I swear it was laughter, still annoying me from the first chestnut of the day. 

I managed to finish over half the stalls by the time the barn manager and other members of the barn team came out. We did turn out, and then the other barn team members started cleaning stalls. I, surprisingly, got invited by the resident horse trainer to watch her work with a lesson horse, and, after checking with the barn manager, went ahead.

This lady, 'Beth' was lunging and then riding that same chestnut from earlier. She explained that he was a pushy guy and needed to remember his training. She fell silent, and I watched. It was so interesting, she was able to fix even the smallest things with just a light touch. Then, after fifteen minutes or so,mshe got on. She explained that she is classically trained in English riding and apparently can ride in something called 'level four PSE english' (I may have completely screwed that up. It's apparently some really high level dressage.)

She rode around, and the first thing I noticed was that everything was so smooth. Transitions, corners, she got him to leg yield, pirouette (the tiny, canter in place in a circle, thing), and then she dismounted. It was probably the best horseback riding I've ever seen in person. She made it all seem so effortless, she didn't even let him argue with her or put a hoof out of place. I thanked her for the invite to watch, though I'm still not sure why she invited me to watch, and headed home.

It was then I decided it was time to google videos about moving horses in the pen. My goal for the following Tuesday would be to move that dang chestnut out of my space when I cleaned his stall.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Great post TwoTap! 

When you started out saying you knew the horse's name before they told you and it was all just so magical, I admit, like most middle aged adults, I felt I should tell you horses aren't magical like that all the time! But then I kept reading and see you discovered it all by yourself, LOL.

I remember one of my summer jobs when I was a teenager, someone stuck me in an office with a box of papers to photocopy. They forgot me in there all morning. I was bored to tears, but photocopied the whole darn box. 

You don't say whether this happened last week, or last year, so I won't be presumptuous enough to guess, but you'll find a lot of the time you're going to spend with horses will not be glamorous. Most of it involves cleaning in some form or another. Usually also manure. A lot of it. 

The important thing is that you get to be around horses! And hard work gets noticed. By someone, somewhere, at some point. It shows you're serious. Most will just give up. You *can't* be that person!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Haha, Acadian, that definitely put a smile on my face. It's not magic all the time, but sometimes whatever higher force is out there just gives you a small gesture to let you know you're going in a good direction, and it's always magical when you realize that it's a sign of some sort!

This all started back in September or thereabouts; it wasn't until recently that I wanted to document some of the happenings. 

I am determined not to give up on this venture, and to continue to work hard! I jave since learned that the first Tuesday where there was only one barn team member out there (my first day) was a kind of fluke. Usually Tuesday is a day of lots of hands on deck!

It's always hard when you're new at a job, I bet you were kind of frustrated, locked away all day, photocopying a box of paperwork!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

That evening, after an interesting day at the therapeutic center, I got onto youtube and started looking for videos on how to move horses around the pen while cleaning it. A lot of the videos weren't that helpful, but I did find a youtuber that made sense to me. His name is Warwick Schiller, and much of his horse training techniques just seemed so... Common sensical to me. I lingered for a while on his channel before I realized that Warwick wasn't able to give me the answer I needed. Most of his how-tos are either geared toward a seasoned horse person, or geared to sell his online DVD series, which wasn't quite what I was looking for. So the search continued, and I eventually landed on a horse how-to lunge which has since been taken down.

At first, I was very skeptical. I wasn't trying to lunge the chestnut, I just wanted to move him out of the stall so I could clean it. Then I thought about it - being able to move his feet is almost directly related to lunging him. The difference being that I would have no ropes to assist my request. So, I watched the video. The girl in it was very informative; she said that it was important not to look directly at the horse, but where you wanted him to go, but not so far ahead that you couldn't keep him in the peripheral vision. It reminded me a little of the couple of lessons I had had way back when. She also discussed position of body and the relation it has with 'opening and closing' doors. So I thought back to him that morning. Sure enough, I had been squarely facing him and staring him directly in the face. So even though I had given him a direction, I had made it impossible for him to go out into the run because I had 'shut the door' for him to go in the run.

I couldn't wait for the following week, so naturally, it drug by. I watched a few more videos of people lunging, and the first videos, trying to understand what she meant by 'look ahead, but not too far.' 

The next Tuesday, I showed up at eight again. I checked in with Fran, and got to work on the stalls. Fran said I didn't have to show up at eight every Tuesday if I didn't want to, but I told her that I liked to get the early start but could come later if that was easier for them. She looked a little surprised, 'no, it's not a problem, we just don't have a lot of barn team members who want to start so early.' I didn't know what to say. Was that a round about way of telling me to come later, was it a compliment? I wasn't lying, the earlier start feels more natural. I'd rather get done earlier in the day and be able to enjoy the afternoon. 

The first stall I went to was the Chestnut. He was standing rather sleepily, horizontally in front of the doorway that leads to his run. I entered and started cleaning, thinking about what I had heard in the videos. I wasn't quite sure how to get him to move with how he was standing. I could move him forward, then try to push him into the run, or I could move him back and push him into the run. If I were more confident, I could try to move his shoulder out of the stall. The problem was that 'making your energy big and unquestionable'' is easier said than done when you have a very vague idea of what to do. 

So, I took a breath, straightened my back, looked toward the front of his stall, and clucked. At first he flicked an ear at me and shifted his weight, blowing. Instantly, 'can't' came back to me.

Can't even move his feet.

I decided to try again, straightening up again, and this time I looked at the wall opposite us, just a little past where we were standing, but I was surprised to be able to see just a little of the chestnut's head. I clucked again, staring fixedly at the spot, pointing like an idiot at the wall. I noticed that the chestnut looked at me, equally as amused as last time. Feeling a little defeated, I flapped my hand, clucking a little louder, resisting the urge to look at him.

After a few seconds, he walked forward!!

It was only three steps, just enough to put his head, neck and tops of his shoulder into the spot I was looking at. But it was such thrill. I realized that, yes. I can move his feet. I was just about to ask him again when a voice scared me. 'He's not in your way, is he?' I jumped, he jumped, and I turned to meet Beth. She smiled warmly. 'I have to ride earlier today, got seven on my list and he's first, so he won't be in your way for long! You can stop by again if you want, about eleven or so. I'll be riding Rootbeer.'

I was excited about the offer, though I still didn't quite understand why she invited me to watch again. Really we had only had the one encounter the week before, and even then we hadn't talked much. I had stayed very quiet while watching her ride, unsure of whether questions were welcome and not wanting to make her regret extending the invitation. At the same time, I was a little disheartened by the fact that she was taking the chestnut. Most likely and the most reasonable reason for taking the chestnut was simply because she had seven horses to train that day, but I couldn't help feeling that she had watched my pathetic attempt to move him and decided to spare both of us the embarrassment.

I thanked her for the invite and said that if it was ok with the barn manager and the stalls were in a good spot, I would love to watch her ride again. Then we went about our business. I spent a lot of my morning reflecting on how moving the chestnut had gone and trying to analyze what I had done the first time, the second time and what changes I had made between those attempts that made a difference. As I cleaned, I tried moving some of the other horses. Most were as sleepy as the chestnut, and there was one, tiny little white mare we'll call Star. She is really such a petite little thing - maybe 13.3, more likely smaller. Star is apparently an Arab mix and belongs to Beth, her stall plaque boasts high level dressage training too. 

Everywhere and everything I did to move her, she swished her tail, put her ears back (not quite a pin - but very bemused.) and gave me a mean mare stare. It wouldn't have been a problem if she wasn't standing right in the dirtiest spot of the stall! Thinking maybe she had to 'go,' I cleaned her run first, tried moving her again, went and cleaned another stall, came back... No improvement. She was even more frustrating than the chestnut! I sighed, thinking back to the videos and trying to duplicate the body language. Out of her direct path, looking a little ahead of us, pointing to give her a direction and clapping my hand on my thigh to give momentum. Nothing but the marestare and tail swish. I decided to take a step toward her hip, wondering if I was too far in front of her shoulder somehow, and suddenly she BURST out of the stall at a trot! Holy moley, what a reaction! Zero to 'okok I'm out!' With just a small step!

I felt like I had started to develop a cleaning system, getting in and out of the stalls in relatively quickly. By 10, I had finished my sixteenth stall and the barn manager was shocked. 'How many? Sixteen? These are so clean though... Did you count right?' She counted after me and gave me a high-five. We did turn out and she okayed me going to watch Beth again. By eleven, the other six people only had 9 stalls and the group paddocks to clean and the aisles to sweep, so I felt ok about leaving them so I could go watch the training. Sure enough, Beth was in the process of bridling up and mounting when I got to the arena.

'You made it, nice!'

Weird response, but ok. I thanked her for the invite again and sat on the wheelchair mounting ramp, she mounted up and put Rootbeer through the paces. Walk, trot, canter. Then she started doing some sort of collection exercise I've seen a lot but never been taught to duplicate, putting him on the bit and collection. It was really cute to see the big boy all collected up and looking like a show horse. Then she started asking for even more detailed refinement that a more seasoned eye would probably be able to spot from a mile away, but her praise and the action that got the praise went over my head. I can only guess it was softening studf,mor even more collection than what he was giving her. After her ride, she dismounted and offered to let me help untack and groom him, which was exciting. 

While we groomed him, she asked about my horse experience. I explained I had had four years of lessons but didn't remember very much, which she found interesting. I ended up telling her that the place was one of those 'I don't care as long as I get paid' sort of deals, and she sighed, shaking her head. 'Too many places are like that, now days. Bunch of con artists if you ask me.' She also asked why I had decided to volunteer, which I was a little unsure how to answer.

Yes, I wanted to be around the horses, and get away from the word 'can't', but there was more. The desire to be usedul and helpful, and to be able to see other people progress.

'To give back and be around the horses again.' I settled on, which she nodded. That was why she volunteered up to three hours a week training the horses, putting them through the paces and actually making them work rather than amble around the arenas. It was also why she had donated four high-level dressage horses and leased her little pony, Star, to them. We finished and she put Rootbeer away after thanking me for the company. Turns out that the chestnut was one of the horses she had donated, too.

Going home that day left me with a lot to think about, and I decided to look at more videos about moving horses around, to try and find answers as to why Star had reacted so much when I took that tiny step toward her rear. By no means did watching the videos make me an expert, but it did help ward off that dreaded four letter word.

I learned that I *can* move their feet, because I had successfully done so twice!


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## Hondo (Sep 29, 2014)

I think doing things to prove to the world that one can is a trap fraught with pitfalls. A person can easily wind up doing things that inside they really wouldn't want to do otherwise.

Just doing what is internally meaningful and rewarding, to the extent life allows, is the most rewarding path to follow, without worrying about how well you may or may not be doing according to some set of standards, or the opinions of others about what you are doing.

And just letting being on that path be enough without concern of how far down that pleasant path one may stroll.

And while, of course, doing the other necessities that life demands along the way.

And an old proverb that one particular mountain climber recited to herself from bottom to top might apply here also, "An elephant can be eaten by only one bite at a time".


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## Reds La Boop (Jan 16, 2017)

TwoTap this is Cowboy. (I did not name him). Several years ago we gentled Cowboy for a customer. The customer fell on tough times and asked if we would take Cowboy and get him a good home. We told him yes and Cowboy came back and is turned out for now. If you are still interested, this would be the horse you can start with. The Mods said we are good to go. We should start a separate journal for this.
Think it through. I want you to make sure you would like to do this as I have to move Cowboy up the line to bring him for training. We can take plenty of time as we go so you can learn.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Another great post about moving the horses' feet Twotap! People who don't work with horses will never understand the sheer joy of knowing you've accomplished something with these huge animals, no matter how seemingly small. Each is a tiny step towards truly understanding the body language of horses, as opposed to just forcing them to do what you want (ie, haltering and tying up a horse to get them out of your way instead of getting them to move using your body language). Keep going! Sounds like you're making a friend at this place too! Keep watching her quietly. But I think she'd be receptive to a question or two here and there. Maybe try one - a fairly easy question to answer so she doesn't have to interrupt her training session. I think she's giving you an opening. Don't overwhelm her, but maybe test the waters.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Hondo said:


> I think doing things to prove to the world that one can is a trap fraught with pitfalls. A person can easily wind up doing things that inside they really wouldn't want to do otherwise.
> 
> Just doing what is internally meaningful and rewarding, to the extent life allows, is the most rewarding path to follow, without worrying about how well you may or may not be doing according to some set of standards, or the opinions of others about what you are doing.
> 
> ...


I really like your perspective Hondo, and can definitely agree with it. A lot of the problem I have is not being able to find a medium. Yet, it's currently a work in progress. I know that my path of contentment involves horses - in some way, not necessarily the big, ornate way mentioned - but as soon as someone provides a logical reason why it won't work, I just... Give up, because logically it makes sense to. So from what you've said here, I come away with a much more open mind, and a much more reasonable way of looking at things, too. It will be hard to try and work with that line of thinking, but it sounds so much more pleasant.

What ever kind of end this comes to will definitely come one 'bite' at a time.

Thank you.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Acadian, it was so exciting to get those two to move without any equipment! I felt a little bad about Star's send off, and think maybe the clapping noise was a little too much pressure since she responded so energetically, at least that's the conclusion I came to. There are so many tiny nuances to these guys, something I always 'knew' but never truly understood! And I think the incident with Star was one of my most enlightening ones this far. It's crazy that, for as big as they are, they can pick up on the smallest details.

As for Beth, she definitely was throwing me off! I try not to impose myself on people, even when I get invited to stuff. So sitting quietly is my go-to response. I definitely wouldn't want to mess with something good!!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

The following week would change the center for me. Given that, in the grand scheme of things, I had only really been volunteering out there for four days total, it's not like I really had a good grasp on how things worked, anyway. I had spent much of the week following the events with Star and the chestnut watching various videos online from various trainers. Big names, like Clinton Anderson and Monty Roberts, small names, like users just trying to share what knowledge they had with the world, and just about everything in between. Mostly, I was looking for explanations as to why the horses would react the ways that they did.


That was when I found a user who explained the whole 'pressure' thing a little more in depth. She explained that 'pressure' is as simple as looking at a part of the horse's body and thinking with intent. She demonstrated it by disengaging a horse's hind-quarters, squaring her shoulders, staring directly at the hip and, when she needed to, taking just the smallest step toward her horse. The first guy she demonstrated with was a well trained, been there, done that, kind of horse. It was obvious that they knew each other well, given how well he reacted to even the most subtle of actions. She moved on to a different horse, one who wasn't as well versed in her 'language.' With him, she had to act 'bigger.' She squared her shoulders, looked at the hip, and this time, took bigger steps. 


This horse was still 'dead' to the pressure and wouldn't move. 


She added more 'pressure,' now wiggling her wrist and end of a lead rope at the hip. He disengaged with the additional 'pressure' and stepped under himself, moving over. She explained that by being 'dead' to the pressure, the horse wasn't paying much attention to her as his handler or giving much thought to what she wanted of him. This made sense to me, and kind of explained why I had had so much trouble the first day. I most definitely was a 'small presence,' and gave up so quickly that even if the Chestnut had thought to listen for a split second, he would have changed his mind and made a different decision because I wasn't 'telling' enough with my actions.


The video then cut to new scenes. She was disengaging the hind-quarters without halters or lead ropes. She started with the old timer first, setting him up in the middle of an arena and backing him up, moving his shoulder, disengaging, all by basically just looking where she wanted to move, and assisting him with just the smallest body movements if he seemed to question her. When she did the same with the second, less trained horse, she ran into issues. Because he was so 'dead' to the pressure even with the lead ropes, he almost blatantly ignored her requests without them. She explained that she was going to have to become a 'ginormous' presence with that horse in order to get his attention on her. 


So, she squared up, and all of the motions that had been so subtle with the old timer became extremely exaggerated. Her steps became bigger, her slight hand wiggle became clapping on the thighs, and she walked right at his hip with no intention to stop! My first thought was 'man, she's going to get kicked.' But eventually, it turned into a game similar to chicken, and he gave to her pressure when she showed no intention of giving up. It kind of surprised me, not going to lie. Everything I had been taught was to avoid the back hip and legs, especially in the striking zone, which was where this lady had walked directly into. So I got to wondering, would I be able to duplicate it?


Likely not.


This woman was obviously experienced enough and knew or trusted her trainee well enough to be comfortable exploiting the kick zone like she was. I, though coming back into a sort of confidence with horses, was no where near ready to try and do such a thing, especially not without the watchful eye of someone to tell me, "hey, that horse is about to stick a hoof through your thigh!" But it was food for thought, and I had been super eager to get back out and try making myself a 'bigger presence' in the stall, so at the very least I could move them out of the way, if necessary!


Turns out, though, that the center had been in a bit of a break over the last few weeks - my first days out there. They had renovated part of the main building, put in fresh sand in the massive indoor arena I hadn't been in yet (not where Beth trained the horses), and had shut down lessons for a few weeks to keep everyone out of the construction areas. Though I don't remember seeing any equipment - not that that means much, since I spent almost all of my time in the barn or the arena, and only go out there once a week!


Lessons were back in session now, and lessons begin as early as eight thirty and apparently run as late as seven in the evening! There was quite the bustle of business as volunteers collected horses for lessons, instructors congregated in the grooming area, I overheard them discussing horse selections and what they planned on doing with the arena, Fran was leading a fairly large tour that I recognized to be an orientation day type tour. I did my usual - waving at Fran and saying hi as she passed, then heading straight for the Chestnut's stall, eager to try to move him again.


Only, it was empty and his name plaque was gone.


I won't lie, I was genuinely sad to think that the big guy was gone. I had planned on asking someone about his disappearance when a kind of high-pitched, almost 'girly' voice called out. I turned to see a tall, gangly and very skinny man walking up to me, trailed by a tiny little woman who looked flustered as she chatted on a cellphone and scribbled something on a clipboard. I didn't realize that he was talking to me until he walked right up and jabbed me in the shoulder, "Hey! I was talking to you!" He squeaked. It took me a second to realize that he had some sort of mental disability as I rubbed my shoulder.


We'll call him Steve. 


If it hadn't have been for the tiny flustered woman, I would have gone off on him for poking a stranger in the shoulder as hard as he had. She quickly ended her conversation and told Steve to apologize, before shooting me an apologetic look herself. She told Steve that he hadn't met me before and that it was rude to poke people, and Steve genuinely looked upset as he apologized. I told him it was ok, and earned a small smile from the woman. Just as we were in the process of introducing ourselves, a new woman came in from the grooming area and asked to pull the tiny woman aside, without Steve. I was a little worried, I'm not going to lie. At training, we had been told to be very careful with the students as some were known to make up lies about volunteers doing inappropriate things to them, like hitting them or sexual contact. I had no way of knowing whether Steve was one of those individuals, and wasn't keen on either of us getting into trouble or investigated because I said or did something that Steve considered to be wrong.


Steve, on the other hand, was completely relaxed as he stuck his fingers through the bars of a stall and scratched a big Appaloosa's head. "I been riding three years!" He exclaimed happily, "I get to clean the stalls too. I'm pretty fast, I can get five done before my lesson!" So, I chatted with Steve for a few minutes about riding and told him it was very cool that he had three years under his belt. He really prided himself in his quick stall cleaning time and enjoyed bragging about his first canter a few months previously. Fran rounded the corner, kind of in a hurry and without her tour group. She slowed just enough to say hi to Steve and myself, "Steve, I see you've met Tap! She's one of our newer volunteers, but she'd sure give you a run for your money cleaning the stalls!" She said, winking at me as she hurried away, mumbling something about sign up sheets.


Steve's entire demeanor changed as he very suddenly started looking me up and down, as though he were judging me. "So you think you're fast, huh? Wanna prove it? No one's been able to beat me yet!"


Sure enough, as soon as the tiny woman came back and Steve okayed cleaning stalls before his lesson that day, I found myself in a stall cleaning race with him. He had prided himself so much in his ability to clean that I felt a strange need to keep the competition close, but not win. So, when he was cleaning his first stall, I timed him and paced myself so that I was just a _little_ slower than him, so I could really give him a run for his money. We spent the next hour cleaning four stalls, which, I won't lie, drove me absolutely Insane. It turns out that Steve is meticulous, slow, and shifts almost every single shaving before going out to the run and raking all of the dirt down so that there are even lines in the run without any of his footprints in it. But, I was determined to match his pace and give him a good race. By nine, his volunteer and "handler" came to get him ready for his lesson, he had just finished his fifth stall and I was just starting mine. Steve very importantly checked my other four stalls before shaking my hand. "You're pretty good, but not as fast as me yet!"


As soon as Steve was out of ear shot, "Tiffany" thanked me for being a good sport. Turns out that whatever brain disability he has, it profoundly affects his emotions and he is exceptionally bad at handling loss or any sort of defeat, which was why he took lessons. The goal was for him to learn how to cope with animals and other people who wouldn't immediately bend to his will. She said that if I had just "whipped his butt" I could have accidentally triggered a break down and cost him the lesson for the day! She left after that, going to watch his lesson, and I sighed, thankful not to have ruined anyone's day.


After the race with Steve, I went back to cleaning stalls. A lot of them were empty, and I was a little discouraged not to have been able to work with the horses so far. But Steve had been so intent on his cleaning and I had spotted him watching me from across the aisle a few too many times to feel comfortable trying to move them as he took the race seriously. I entered the stall of a big bay Quarter Horse, he's solid in color and he looks like a Frank to me. His plaque stated that Frank was a champion cutting horse who had retired to teaching his owner's grandchildren how to ride before coming to the center. He was, apparently, going to ride out a while before permanent retirement back with his original owner. Frank reminded me a lot of the video's "been there, done that" old timer, and moving him proved to be almost too easy. All I had had to do was point out the run and cluck, and Frank ambled right on down to the end of the run without a second question. As he was walking, though, I noticed that there was a bright red spot on his back leg, and that was how I ended up meeting Doc.


I went to investigate and sure enough, Frank had some sort of gash on his back leg, right above the hock. I finished cleaning his stall real quick, since it was almost done anyway, then set out to look for a staff member to tell. I very literally bumped into a tall man with quite the robust belly in the grooming area, and recognized him as the "in house vet" who was one of the only people to live on the ranch permanently. I explained about Frank, and together we went to catch the old boy. Doc was leading him away when I suddenly, without much thought, asked if it would be ok to watch him doctor the horse up. Doc smiled and said yes.


In the grooming area, I watched as Doc cleaned with some sort of antiseptic disinfectant and applied ointment. He was just debating with himself over whether he wanted to wrap the wound when, quite surprisingly, Beth walked in, leading the Chestnut! She took one look at Frank before chatting with Doc about the wound and treatment, then she smiled at me. "Fancy meeting you here!"


Doc had decided to wrap it, just in case, and as he did, Beth and I discussed the Chestnut. She laughed when I said that I had thought he had been taken away from the facility. He had only been moved to a group paddock now that lessons were back in session. She said that it did wonders for his brain since he was one of the more popular lesson horses. Then she invited me to watch her work with him, since I seemed to have such an interest in the horse. I said I would love to, but that we were behind in stall cleaning and that I would run it by the barn manager before committing to watching her school with him. She smiled at me and said she understood, and all at once I was given Frank to lead back to his stall. As luck would have it, I bumped right into the barn manager, and asked if I could watch the training and then come back to finish the cleaning after. The barn manager only laughed as she opened the stall door for me.


"You don't need my permission, you know. It's a volunteer position, you're kind of free to do whatever you want. But sure, go ahead, have fun watching her work with him!" 


I hadn't thought about that. As far as I was concerned, the Barn Manager was my 'boss' and cleaning was my 'job' so it only made sense to clear it with her before just abandoning the barn team to go and watch Beth. But, never the less, I went back to the arena where Beth was lunging the Chestnut. She put him through all three gaits before she mounted up. She explained as she bridled him that her goal for the ride was to duplicate one of their old dressage tests and see whether the old chap remembered his moves. It was a lot of fun to watch! She entered, did the salute, then moved all around the arena, in circles at all gaits and even leg yielded across in both directions at the trot before ending the ride with another salute and massive pat on the neck before walking the Chestnut down. After she dismounted, she invited me to help groom him again and I eagerly accepted.


While we groomed, Beth bragged about him. She had owned him for thirteen years and trained him from 'green' to 'well-rounded competitor.' A lot of people had underestimated him when they had showed, apparently "back yard bred, paint-without-the-color" type horses don't usually get to go to the upper levels of training or competition, and people had always mocked him before a show and reluctantly taken their words back after - usually when she had won the competition and kicked all of their "snooty" hineys in the process. It was obvious she loved the guy very much, and she even said that if he ever retired from the program, she would be the first to adopt him back and give him a well deserved retirement. I smiled, it was really quite cool to watch her croon over him. The love she had for him was palpable and infectious, and I realized that, in his youth, he must have been quite the horse to watch! After he was groomed, she braided his mane and tail, then turned him out and left for the day, apparently having gotten an early start due to a doctor's appointment or something.


I kept true to my word, though there were like, ten people on barn team working. I jumped right in and cleaned a few stalls, and we ended up tag teaming much of the facility together. I finished the last of the stalls in the barn, and they divided up among themselves to get the group paddocks done. It was only noon by the time we all finished the cleaning!


I still couldn't believe how busy it was compared to the last times I had been out there. There were people, a lot of people, everywhere. Horses were constantly being led in and out of pastures, instructors could be seen, carrying tack to and fro, trying to set up for lessons that were coming up. I realized that it was somewhere I was actually really excited to be a part of as I headed home that afternoon!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I'm really eager to get this journal caught up to the present, but I'm having internet issues at home and can only currently log in when I go to the library. I don't have a huge amount of time, but had a thought I wanted to document.

I get into a lot of trouble with the overly logical crowd for attributing too many human type characteristics to my animals. Not just limited to horses as I do have pets, I attribute a lot of characteristics that you don't usually hear in relation to the furry population. Things like 'depressed' and 'angry' tend to become 'lethargic' or 'situationally aggressive.' Now of course, I wouldn't imply that anger or depression work on the same ways on animals that they do on humans, but I do firmly believe that the four legged can get similar emotions. 

For example, my dog and I have a very close relationship. I have a dependency on him; if I sleep without him in the room, I sleep so lightly that the lightest noise will wake me up. Even common house noises, like the heater kicking off (which happens so quietly that you normally strain to hear it.) I have heard that my dog, on the nights I'm not home, refuses food or eats very minimally and spends his time on my bed. I talk to my dog just like he were a human which has resulted in him seeming to understand a bigger vocabulary than most of the dogs I've met. We know each other so well that I swear we read each other's minds, and can almost always sense what the others intentions are. I know without needing to look when he's going to get a drink before he reaches the bowl, for example, without being in the same room and despite our carpeted floors. I'll just randomly think, 'Well, Max is thirsty.' And a second later, I'll hear him lapping up a drink.

This relationship I have with him is strange. I won't say unheard of or totally unique, because I'm sure there are other pet owners who know their dogs habitual behaviors just as well as I know mine. But it is strange in that things that are generally random are things I just *know* he's going to do. 

As such, I have refused to take him to a professional groomer. I groom him myself. In my mind, the act of bathing my dog is too personal a task to assign to a stranger, and I view it the same way as I would of I were paying someone to bathe me. The logical crowd generally treats me like I'm insane. 'Dogs don't get embarrassed like we do. A professional groomer can offer services you yourself don't know.' I can see why they might think that way, truly. However, the one time I did take Max to a groomer, I watched his 'behavior tape.' His eyes were wide, white, and though he tolerated it, I could sense his discomfort through the video. It only got worse when the groomer wetted him down, and lathered up his underside near the private area. I started thinking about it.

I had taken him to a new person, who, even though he had no idea who they were, proceeded to clip him to a bathing table, get him wet, rib him all over without worrying about what *he* was ok with, change the scent of his body, clip his nails... All of these things are, in my mind, very personal things. Why should a stranger be allowed to touch his *area*? Clip his nails? Express the anal glands? Whatever else they do? My dog, like most, didn't know the groomer, didn't have a relationship with them, and in the end, it's a violation of their space. Given the choice, most dogs would choose to skip a bath normally, anyway.

After Max's session, he ignored me for three days and the looks I got told me he was irate. It was then I decided, if he needed a bath, I would do it. This change has resulted in a much happier pooch, and now he quite enjoys his baths. I wasn't going to make him endure baths with a person who he only saw as the groomer, especially when I couldn't find anyone interested in building a better relationship with him. Because, you know, 'that's silly, animals don't get embarrassed/as concerned about privacy as humans!'

I wonder if that's why there are so many groomer horror stories? Who knows.

Then I got to wondering, are horses the same? 

When I did that half lease, I became the only rider on my horse for the entire duration of the lease. Which wasn't my choice, it was the barn owner's decision to limit his riders. The horse and I built quite the friendship because I was never quite the same as the other students. I always found the time when we were doing the working portion of the lease to go and visit him, just for the sake of visiting him. Every once in a while I'd slip him a carrot. After a paticularily hard ride, I would spend up to an hour (situtionally), grooming him down and ensuring he was totally dry. The entire grooming session, I spoke to him like I would anyone else and verbally voiced my thanks to him for a good ride. The other four girls were actually jealous. Apparently, when he heard my voice, the horse stopped eating and began to walk to the gate with his ears pricked.

When the lease ended, and I went back to riding other lesson horses/giving them the treatment he had received, his entire demeanor changed back. He became the extremely grouchy horse he had been before the lease. The barn owner noted the huge difference in his personality several times. Which is why I wonder.

Can horses be as picky about their relationships as people? Do they get more grumpy having multiple different riders? I know they're opinionated and such, but wonder. Where does their range of emotions stop? I'd wager a guess that they're equally as opinionated, dynamic, and emotional as the rest of us, experiencing a wide array of emotions and attitudes that most people don't think they can even feel.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I will never forget my fifth day at the center. I had shown up really early - 7:30 - and, some how, ran into Fran. I apologized for being so early, having left the house thinking I was late. She laughed and sent me on my way, saying she trusted me enough to know all I was going to do was clean stalls, which made me happy. It was serene and quiet that early in the barn. There was the usual shuffling sounds of the horses, but the place was deserted and no people were around. It was so nice. I grabbed a pick and muck bucket and headed for a stall I hadn't cleaned since my first day, all the way in the back of the barn. 

It housed "River" a massive, 17hh grey horse that seemed so out of place surrounded by the short little QH/Paint selection. There were only a few horses bigger than 15hh, but not many, and none as tall as River. River had the most unique star. Or more like a faint, I guess. It looked like there had been a full-splotch white star at one point, but someone had dyed the inner hair of the star grey, leaving only a ring of white behind, like a coffee eing on a coffee table after you pick the mug up!

River isn't the biggest horse I've ever been around, but he is the biggest I've been around *recently* and moving his feet proved to be intimidating. I positioned myself between his hip and shoulder, looked and pointed out his run door and clucked. He didn't budge, cocking his leg back and shifting his weight, relaxing. I tried again, this time using my free hand to wave at his tail. Nothing. I graduated to clapping my hand on my thigh and when that didn't work, I gave him a tap on the hip. Nada. No forward motion. River actually looked like he was about to doze off.

Frustration begins where knowledge ends, that's a phrase I've become very acquainted with. When I couldn't figure out how to move River, I became very frustrated. Not because he wouldn't move, but because I didn't know what else I could do to get him to move his feet. Volunteers aren't allowed to use ropes, whips or other devices without express permission from the barn manager or another member on staff. So, giving up, I went to clean his run. I was surprised to see seven of the horses laying down all at the same time. The more I looked at them, the weirder it was. They were all laying in roughly the same spot in their runs, on the left side, about a foot from the rail, all facing to the right. How likely is that? Weird.

I went back in with River and tried moving him again. Which he did, but, every time he moved, he stepped in front of me and put his butt in my face. I didn't like it at all. He kept moving and putting me in the position to be kicked, and I couldn't tell if it was something I was doing or if it was him deliberately disrespecting my request and space. I got out of his kick zone as quickly as I could and was just retreating back into the run to think without being giving him a chance to kick me when a very loud clang spooked River, myself and every one of the horses laying down. It was good I had moved, because River threw a massive buck that connected with the wall and empty space I had just been standing in! I about had a heart attack, and all down the line of horses that had been dozing, over half had shot to their feet.

Curious about what the noise was and careful to let River know exactly where I was, I went back into the aisle and investigated. It had only been about ten minutes, and the barn was completely deserted. Then I saw a horse a few stalls away, covered in shavings and shaking them off. He must have rolled and kicked the fence, or something. Satisfied I went back to River's stall, squared myself up and firmly told him 'out.' He looked almost offended as he laid his ears back and retreated. I was just finishing it up again when there was another very loud clang. It didn't spook everyone as much the second time, but I investigated and it was the same horse.

I cleaned a stall next to hers, watching her for a moment. Sure enough, the bright-red looking bay dropped and rolled a third time, kicking the doorway that lead to his run and causing the third clang. 

This is where full disclosure comes in. I don't know nearly as much about horses as I'd like.

I finished the new stall and started another. In that time, "Dandy" had settled down and stopped rolling. She was laying on her side, napping. I thought about her a lot while I worked on my other stalls. In the back of my mind, a croaky, old voice said 'maybe she's colicking...' But, I didn't know enough about the disease to say so with confidence, and I didn't know how often horses rolled, so I wasn't confident about saying anything. She could have been doing that thing where they roll, get up, roll on the different side... I finished stall number seven right around the time traffic started picking up in the barn as staff and volunteers trickled in, and there was another lound clang from Dandy. I decided right then that I was going to find someone, better to be safe than sorry. I found Doc with the barn manager in the grooming area.

It was weird to see Chris so early, since he usually showed up at ten. They were surprised to see me. I explained that I had been cleaning and that Dandy had rolled four times since 7:30. Three times in succession, then again, just now. 'I don't know how often they roll, but I just wanted to tell you.' Both men thanked me for being so watchful, and said to find them if she continued to roll. I was shrugged off kind of, and I remember thinking, 'can't even help Dandy.' I went back to cleaning. For all of fifteen minutes, as Dandy started rolling again. I went and found Doc and together we went to Dandy's stall.

She was laying on her side, looking at her barrell. With what little I know, I surprised myself by saying, 'isn't that a sign of colic?' Doc shook his head, his eyebrows furled. He haltered her up and gave me the lead rope. 'I need you to walk her.' We coaxed her to her feet and I walked her to the training arena. She just barely made it in the door before she tried to lay down. Doc gave her a sharp pat on the butt and kissed, lurching her forward a step. Doc gave me a very stern look. 'I need you to walk her. Walk fast, run if you have to. But do not let her lay down. I have a call to make.' And just as I was about to tell him 'I can't...' He was gone. 

I was alone in an arena with a horse who wouldn't stop trying to lay down. Can't raced through my mind as I pulled and clucked and kissed at the poor mare. 

Can't make her walk.
Can't keep her going.
Won't be able to get her up.
Don't know what's wrong.

All the while, I did my best to encourage forward motion. I used the lead rope to swat her hip and kept my head forward so she wouldn't stop because I was looking at her. I clucked, clicked, kissed, used her voice commands, I ran ahead of her, I tried walking by her head. The sweet thing just looked at me, and something.. I don't know what, but *something* in me knew that she wasn't going to make it. A new 'can't' joined my parade of self doubt as I put all my effort into getting Dandy to move. 

Can't give up on her now!

She tried laying down twice while we were alone, and both times kt had taken tremendous effort to keep her up and moving. Chris came into the arena just as I was fighting her on the third try. He shouted at me not to let her lay down, and I nodded, trying to keep her up. She was too strong and she went down. Chris ran into the arena and whipped the rope out of my hand, tugging on her head. I was so confused by what had just happened when I realized that he was yelling at me. 'If you're not going to help then dammit you go find me someone that is!' 

Can't even keep the horse moving.

I shook my head to clear it and asked what Chris wanted me to do, he said to get a crop and smack her butt. I did, and after a few minutes and a roll, we finally got Dandy up. All Chris did was shoot nasty glares at me as he led the horse and I followed, trying to help him keep forward motion. Suddenly a whole cloud of people blew into the arena. Fran and other front staff, instructors I knew by sight but not name, and Doc. Everyone chattered worriedly about Dandy as Chris and I walked her, and Doc explained that the vet was on his way. Dandy tried to lay down three more times before the vet arrived and Chris, Doc and one of the instructors disappeared with them. 

It had happened so fast - the quiet morning turning into the circus it had become. Chris yelling at me about not helping stung. I had been walking her. I had kept her up too, all by myself. I focused on cleaning and managed to finish the majority of the stalls before the rest of barn team showed up. Just as Chris was starting turn out, Dandy had been loaded and was apparently om the road to some other vet's office. He ignored me and I decided to sit turn out out, going to read Dandy's stall plaque. She was a leased horse, there because the owner was pregnant but wanted her horse to keep fit and active while she was out of the saddle. I was deep in thought when Doc found me ''I wanna say thank you for the help with Dandy. If you hadn't of noticed her...' He was cut off by his cell phone ringing, he said it was the vet and answered.

Dandy had died.

Just like that. In the matter of a couple hours. Dandy, who should have been perfectly healthy had something called 'compaction colic' and a decision had been made to humanely euthanize her upon seeing xrays or an ultrasound, or something. News spread pretty quickly around the center, and the loss of the mare hit everyone hard. She had been so well loved as a lesson horse. I couldn't believe it. I excused myself and left as quickly as I could, brushing past Beth on the way out and only barely registering that she spoke to me as I left.

Death isn't hard for me, but I was blaming myself for this one. If I had just said something as soon as I saw her rolling, maybe Dandy would have made it.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I had no interest in going back to the center the following week. I had stewed all week over Dandy, Chris and Doc. I blamed myself for her death and the thought of the pregnant owner was too much to bear. It had taken a lot of persuasion on my family's part to get me back out there. I agreed, and went out at ten like a good barn team member should. I got there right as Chris and the others were starting turn out, and I decided just to get started on cleaning rather than bring the horses out to their day time pastures. I ducked into an empty stall and worked on cleaning it. I went about an hour before being noticed by anyone. It was actually Beth who found me first. 

'There's our hero!' She said happily, entering the stall and engulfing me in a hug. 'Thank you so much for what you did for Dandy. You spared her from so much pain!'

She had to be wrong. I should have mentioned the rolling as soon as I noticed it, so I stayed quiet. Beth didn't notice as she went to fetch whatever horse she was training, tossing the usual invite over her shoulder on the way out. I continued cleaning, not remotely interested in watching the training or helping with the horses. A few more people said their thanks, which I mumbled 'no problem' to, not knowing how to respond. By one, barn team had finished and I was getting ready to leave when Chris approached me. He said he wanted to apologize for the previous week and wanted to thank me. Doc walked in on the conversation, giving me a hug the same way Beth had.

'Dandy would have been in pain for so long. I would actually have looked at her and thought she was sleeping. Not... Well, you know.' I nodded. The conversation turned to horse leading in lessons. Both men said I should attend the training as the skills I had demonstrated with Dandy hinted I'd be ok with a lesson student on board. I told them I'd think about it, and left in a very strange mood. 

They didn't blame me for Dandy? But I had failed to bring it to their attention in time.

It wouldn't make sense for another week.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

It took a little while to pull my head out of my butt and realize that Dandy's death was not my fault. I certainly wasn't a hero, but not a villian, either. I was just a volunteer to happened to spot odd behavior and had the good sense to bring it up after the fourth roll - when it started to seem suspicious. Even the men, people who spend all of their time around horses, hadn't been concerned at first. Returning to the center became much easier after I came to that realization.

I got quite a few stalls cleaned before Beth found me and drug me to the training arena. 'I gotta have company!' She said, smiling over her shoulder. She was going to be working with River on the lunge line and pffered to let me help groom him up. I was eager, she was going to put a circingle on him and I had never done that before. As we groomed, Beth talked about Dandy and how much fun she had been to train and ride. We also talked about the memorial ride that the instructors were putting together for any student who had used Dandy religiously in their lessons. It was sad and beautiful. Many of the lessons Dandy had been used in were the troubled youth programs, but there were also students like Steve with mental disabilities who would be riding. At the end, all of the students were going to hold up a 'Dandy We Love You' type creation that they took part in crafting.

We entered the arena and she walked River around a few laps before hooking him up to the lunge line and setting his circle. I settled into my usual spot on the wheel chair ramp to watch them work. As I did, Beth told me I was allowed to ask questions. So I asked tje first one that popped into my head: what do you look at to keep from getting dizzy?

She thought for a minute before answering, 'his hip. My arms form a V, one holding his head and the other holding his bum. I look at his hip as a focal point, but can use my peripheral vision to watch the rest of his body and see when he strides out, or relaxes.' it wasn't the answer I expected, but it made sense and so I spent much of the lunging session trying watch his hip. As she lunged, she explained the various movements that River was giving her and how she could tell it all just from her vision. Much of what she was saying made sense, but I couldn't actually see it for myself. 

After that, she grew silent as she focused on collecting him from the ground and I quieted down myself, letting her work and trying to see what she had been talking about. Apparently, the back leg was supposed to cross *just* under his body and she wanted him to drop his head a little lower. River really is a striking horse, and in his prime probably stole the show ring on looks alone! I wish there wasn't such strict policies regarding the media of this place. 

After his session, Beth and I groomed him down and discussed leading horses for the lessons. Apparently, they need calm, collected people who have been around horses before and at least have enough experience to be able to hold the lead rope the proper distance from their face. She said I should attend the training, but I declined. 'I don't think I can. There's still so much I don't know, I wouldn't want to make a mistake with the horse and cause the rider to fall off.' Beth laughed at me.

'Can't? Tap, you should at least try. You never know. You might just surprise yourself!' 

And so, I found myself a few weeks later in Horse Leader training with seven or so other people. Many of them had never been around horses in their lives, one lady was terrified of horses (no one understood why she wanted to volunteer for that particular role) and maybe two others actually owned or rode horses. Then there was me. Fran had us take turns giving a brief summary of why we wanted to volunteer, and most answers mirrored each other. Community service, giving back to the community, or getting to be with the horses. I myself answered giving back to the community.

We talked for roughly an hour about horse leading and the various expectations of the job. Most of it was typical pre-ride stuff. Catch and groom your horse, get them to the arena ten minutes before the scheduled lesson time, hand walk them until the student arrives. Then they had people practice manipulating halters, we were all assigned a horse from turn out, and the we had hands on training for the other two hours.

What I can tell you is that their training methods were vague and left a lot to be desired.

They demonstrated once how to get the tack and put each type on the horse. Then they let a bunch of newbies loose and chatted amongst themselves while they waited. I got my guy groomed and tacked. I used a bay with four white feet, and luckily he had english gear. I've never really tacked up western and would have been very lost.

After grooming and tacking, we led our horses to the training arena and had a chance to hand walk them for ten minutes as the instructors explained how this worked and what the goals were. We were to walk a serpentine/figure eight obstacle course, over ground poles and around barrels, to get everyone acclimated to walking with horses. It was a mess. One girl got stepped on, another almost caused a mare fight, squealing and bucking guaranteed, another guy had his saddle slip upside down. The instructors scrambled to fix these things and I stood there with my horse, quietly stroking his neck and staying out of the havoc. The instructors changed the goal, having only one person do the obstacle course at a time while the rest held their horses at an end of the arena. 

The obstacle course was ok. It was kind of difficult to get him around the serpentine, I kept running into his neck turning him away from me, but it did go fairly well. Our trot transition was very smooth and we were some of the first to be released to go back and untack/turn back out. I got my "gold sticker" before leaving and was asked to sign up for a designated horse leading volunteer slot. I declined, mostly because Tuesdays were full and that was the only guaranteed day off from work I had managed to saueeze out lf my boss. 

We had a follow up discussion after all of the horses had been put away, and only three people from the original group had stayed for it. Most people left in either a huff or defeat, but me, one of the community service guys and one of the horse owners were all there. We discussed what we thought of the training, any questions we had and reiterated the horse leader rules before they thanked us for our participation and sent us on our way. Watching others striggle as much as me or even more than me was a little confidence boost. I realized that I had a little better knowledge base than some, and was reminded that there was still plenty to learn, but that everyone started in the same place at the center, regardless of experience.

Which made the future look really exciting!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

The next few Tuesdays were spent developing a routine. Out to the barn by eight, cleaning until nine or ten, whenever I happened to bump into Beth, watching her train for a while and, since I had been cleared to groom and tack up horses, I made myself available for instructors and other arena volunteers. Almost over night, my half-day of cleaning and watching Beth had turned into a solid 8 hour shift. I did it all, cleaning, cleaning waters, getting horses ready for classes, carrying tack between the arenas for instructors and lesson gear swaps. I started being relied on on Tuesdays, and when the first real cold streak came through, it was good I had developed my system.

Mid-November brought a nice little cold snap. It also canceled several lessons and scared off the usual number of volunteers. For three weeks in a row, I was the only barn team member showing up to clean despite the cold. It got to the point that staff busted out a metal rake and asked that I scrape the poop from the ground, and on one particularily cold Tuesday, even the staff from the front office had been recruited to clean stalls and runs while paddock horses were moved into any available stalls and teams of staff and myself took turns hand walking the horses around the arena to stretch their legs.

Those cold days were the hardest to get myself up and out the door. It was bitterly cold, snowy and the roads were icy. Tuesdays are my day off and on days lime that, younjust want to stay snuggled up under the covers with your dog and a good boom, or maybe sleep in. Plus, not owning any of those horses and not being paid for volunteerism (which they couldn't pay me for anyway) are good incentives not to go out there. I'm not staff, and it's not my responsibility. But regardless, I stuffed myself into layers, crammed myself into gaudy, thick boots, and reminded myself that I signed up for the role, and I _couldn't_ leave them hanging.


On the days I got to help with hand walking to give my shoulders a break, Chris, the Barn manager, and a new person I hadn't met before ("Sam") gave me horse leading pointers. They corrected just a few things, like my position near the head and how close I was holding the lead rope. I was a little too far back and a little too close to the face with my hand, but apparently one of the better ones they had had. Sam explained that he was the head of equine management and well being but had been out of town, dealing with family issues for the last couple of months.

We chatted about our horse experiences. Of course both men had grown up in the saddle, Chris was the son of a rancher and had spent his entire life wrangling before he got fed up and left home for the city. He and his dad didn't talk much and he said he'd keel over if his dad ever found out he had landed with horses again. Sam had grown up in the show circuit, classically trained in English dressage before spendong twenty years on a ranch not unlike Chris' dad's. Both men were extremely well versed with horses. They asked my experience, saying I didn't act like their typical volunteer. I told them about my lesson situation and some various childhood memories. Then they asked what my goals were with horses, and that was where I hesitated. 

I didn't tell them much, but I did mention aspiring to train in a mustang makeover as something to cross off the bucket list down the line. It slipped out when I had mentioned that I really admired our two resident Mustang therapists, and there was an awkward silence before both men just casually changed the topic. I knew it must sound insane. Training and becoming a trainer, especially one capable lf handling a makeover, is a surprisingly touchy and exclusive topic. Like I've said, I havn't been in the saddle since I was two and I wasn't raised with horses outside of the precious memories I have. People constantly remind me of that. And sure enough, Sam found me later to tell me that it was an admirable goal but to aim lower. 'You're not gonna be able to train without someone to teach you. It's a recipe for disaster.'

There was a lot I wanted to say to him. Like, 'I already know,' or 'it's just a thing on a bucket list,' or 'I didn't ask for your opinion,' or 'why don't you teach me then?' But I just nodded at him, thanked him for the advice and put the horse I was walking away. Just another Can't on my list. I couldn't believe I had let that slip!

By the time January had hit, we got into more managable temperatures, lessons came back and with lessons came Beth. It was nice to see her. Ever since having let slip the ambition of the makeover, certain folks wouldn't relent in calling me 'mustang girl' or asking about this years makeover and whether I'd be participating. Most were volunteers, usually people doing community service, but Sam did it too. It had been so discouraging that I was seriously considering just quitting volunteering at the center and give up on horses once and for all. Beth and I were grooming the chestnut, talking about the holidays, when a particularily mean community service guy came through and dropped a snide remark about the mustang thing. I sighed.

Beth asked me what that was about and so I told her. She scoffed, 'you're willing to learn and that's worth more than any childhood in the saddle!' She told me not to give up and encouraged taking some lessons to work toward the goal, but I explained the finances issue amd the fact that I still hadn't figured out moving the horses in their stalls, even after extensively studying videos online and trying to put it into practice. I told her, 'I'm not made of money, but I know how to work. I just wish there was someone out there willing to do a good old fashioned work exchange. But those just don't seem to exist in this world anymore.' She sighed wistfully and agreed, and we finished grooming in silence.

She was just mounting the chestnut when Sam and Chris walked into the arena. They talked for a minute about the horses she was on the process of working with and added a few more to her list for the day before Beth hit them up with the Mustang Girl rumor and putting a stop to it. They looked mildy amused while they yessed her to death and promised to bring it to the volunteer director's attention. Beth must have noticed the sarcasm in their voices, because she said, 'never mind, I'll take the issue to Dana myself, thanks though.' And with that, she looked st me and told me to to the front and ask for Dana to come to the arena.

Dana is the center's head of personnel, and apparently holds a considerable amount of authority. The minute both men saw her, their entire attitudes changed and they were suddenly squirmy pups trying to get away from her. Beth told her what happened, I confirmed the details, and then both of the men stammered to find a way out of their plight. It was awesome to watch! Dana took blth of them to her office and, I'm not sure what happened, but I got apologies and havn't had any issues since. I thanked Beth and she only smiled, 'don't give up quite yet. You never know who you might run into!'

I realizd that day that Beth was becoming a friend and someone I really looked up to. She often encouraged me and gave me boosts of confidence, though I still didn't understand why. Our friendship had blossomed after she up and decided to start inviting me to watch her train, even without knowing me! I made sure to thank her for the support and friendship, and she gave me a hug, saying it was her pleasure.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

"I hate people," how many times have you heard, thought or said that or something similar? Working in retail, one of the variations has happened at least once a day, and more often than not, more than once. Working retail gave me a healthy reality of just how mich people suck. There are the creepy pervs, parents who should be slapped for their ignorance, children who genuinely deserve a spanking, everything in between. There's exteeme couponers and bamboozlers, people who try to scrimp and save every penny they think they can take you for, the 'I wanna see your manager' fiends. They all suck. Most make folks question humanity and whether it still exists.

The other day, I was walking relatively closely behind a woman who didn't even consider whether someone was behind her, and didn't hold the door. I almost got smacked in the face with a door heavy enough to break a nose, and she wouldn't have known any better. 'Not my problem,' she'd think to herself. 'I hate people...' I thought. And, as I was raised to do, I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one would receive the same fate. There was a little old man coming, he was far enough away that I didn't have to do anything, but I stood by the door, glancing at my phone so he wouldn't feel rushed. As he drew nearer, I put my phone away and held the door open for him. He stopped, stared at me and pointed at himself. 'You're not holding that for me...? Young lady, your generation doesn't have those kind of manners.'

Really?

How many times had that man been ignored, how many doors had he taken to the face? He had a veteran's hat on, so not only does "my generation" not have those manners, they don't value those who served our country. Not a groundbreaking discovery, but one that only emphasized my loathing of the general population. I pushed those thoughts aside, gave him a smile and gestured for him to go through. 'It's my pleasure sir.' Then, much to my surprise, the little old man, who was undoubtedly more of a badass than I will ever be, wiped a tear away, gave me a hug, and strode through. He stood just a little taller in the walk. 

Naturally, there are exceptions to the rule. There are genuinely good kids raised by genuinely good people, and there are kods who come out of pretty gnarly situations with exceptional manners and an almost overwhelming politeness. The problem is that the exceptions are few and far between if they're not congregated in one general location, and many of the 'bad apples' either deny their behavior, aren't smart enough to realize that it's *them* we speak about, or just don't care. A bigger part of the problem is that it's not just one generation that has rude, self-centered and conceited people. I notice a lot of 'millenial' bashing over their idiotic behavior, immaturity and self-entitled natures (especially among the older of the generation) but the thing is that the behavior had to come from somewhere. Especially in the US, where educational standards plummeted, television and especially cartoons became babysitters, and the rebelious generation under generation X were responsible for their upbringing. I'm not saying millenials are perfectly innocent, far from, but no generation truly is. It's the nature of the human race.

So why do I document this thought?

Well, after the 'mustang girl' incident, I became very withdrawn at the center and very unnenthisastic about the whole thing in general. It took a few weeks to go back to trying to move the horses around with body language and assertion of pressure. I had been working with Star, the mare I had the most trouble with when Beth startled me. 'You're too far forward, move toward her hip and quit looking at her face. Look where you want her to go, give her an escape route.' 

I had been exceptionally irritable that morning, reflecting on how much people sucked and being frustrated over wasting those four years at that so-called lesson barn. It took everything in my mind to swallow my pride and follow her directions without snapping at her. Beth was a friend and I didn't want to hurt the relationship. Sure enough, as I took a step toward the hip and stared out the run door, Star moved. Not much, just a shift in the weight, but it was movement all the same. 'Good, now turn your torso away from her. Facing her squarely like that defeats the purpose of looking where you want her to go.'

I did, turing slightly sideways and pointing my chest the same way I was looking. I asked again, clucking at Star, bringing my hand up behind her hip to generate motion. Star moved! Rather than the burst of a trot she had given me all that time ago, she ambled out of the stall as easily as Frank had done. I beamed, thanking Beth for the pointers. 'Star is different from these other horses. She's more sensitive to the energy we create with our bodies and what you ask of her. A lot of the horses out here are so used to ignoring the volunteers that it's almost impossible to move them very far without an aid of some kind. If you want to practice moving their feet, she's your best bet.' And with that, Beth left. I reflected on what she had said while I shifted Star's shavings. So the horses ignored the volunteers? Makes sense, a lot of the volunteers had never been around horses. Any animal you let get away with a behavior will continue to do it because that's what *they* want to do. I tried pushing Star two more times, with varying success, before moving on with the other stalls.

Turns out Beth had a point. Most of the horses were very glued to their spots, almost blatantly ignoring even the loudest clucks, most deliberate body position, and even direct pressure of a hand on the rear. No wonder I was having such a hard time figuring it out! By ten, I had a huge number of stalls and went to watch Beth. A tall man in a huge cowboy hat that I didn't recognize was watching her work a paint horse I vaguely recognized as Risky. They chatted casually about stuff that Risky was doing and went right over my head when suddenly, Beth stopped Risky and pointed over the man's shoulder at me. 'Larry, this is the girl I told you about.'

Me? I shot her a look but she only smirked as she urged her horse on. Larry turned around and met me with a huge hand shake. 'Tap, I presume? I've heard a lot of good about you!'

Uh.. Great, I've heard nothing about you. That's what I wanted to say, but instead, 'it's nice to meet you, sir. I'm afraid I haven't heard much about you..'
"Ah, likely not. I'm Larry. I train horses up at my place, ol' Risky here used to be my best horse. I come see 'im every now and again. I heard he's gotten lazy with his manners."
"Beth and I were just talking about that."
"So I hear. I also hear you got pretty big ambitions for a city girl?" 
Beth! How could you do this to me? You know how much ridicule I've faced, I don't need a horse trainer telling me I can't too! But instead... "Yes sir, but it's more of a bucket list type thing. I spent a lot of time and money learning nothing and have to start all over."
"What if I told you I could help?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Well lessons, of course. I can teach people too." 
"That's a wonderful offer but I can't-"
"No, no money. Beth mentioned a financial hard spot. You clean stalls right?"
"She burns them more like, never met a faster or more thorough cleaner!"
"How'd you feel earning your keep? You give me 8 hours of your time, I give you one of mine." 

Well that took a turn in an unpredictable direction. I was so excited! I reeled myself in though, and it was arranged to have an orientation type tour of his facilities the coming Saturday, my next day off. His place was pretty close to the facility and we agreed that I needed to see what kind of place I'd be working in before accepting his offer. After he left and Beth finished with Risky, I gave her a massive hug and asked how I could repay her. She smiled, hugged me back.

"Just get yourself into the makeover some day."

The rest of that day was such a blur - there was so much to think about. Who was Larry, where had he come from, how were he and Beth friends? How well did he train, would he be an acceptable coach? Would he be better than my previous experience? Was he going to honor his own deal? Was he just out to screw me over? I wouldn't find out for a few days.

And so, I realized on this day, maybe I don't hate people after all.
I hate people with poor manners and a general lack of consideration.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling extremely skeptical. It was too good to be true. I hadn't found much info on the internet, not even a website, and began to doubt his legitimacy. If it hadn't been for the fact that Beth had introduced us, I would have skipped Saturday. Alas, I owed it to Beth to give him a fair chance and found myself in the car and following his hand written directions to his property. When I turned into his driveway I was positive I was in the wrong place.

The property was huge and expansive. It had a massive barn and two beautifully groomed outdoor arenas, despite the season. I followed his directions and found a parking space, shooting him a text to let him know I had showed up. He responded almost instantly - 'You're about ten minutes early! Come into the grey barn and arena.' When I got there, he was working a horse in a round pen, doing free lunging. We chatted for a minute about his property and the directions to it. It was only thirty acres - "only..." - but it was wide rather than long and skinny, so it looked much more expansive than it really was. He finished with the horse, a big, fancy warmblood he had in training before we started the tour.

He had around forty filled stalls that needed cleaning, and several group paddocks he'd want done on my days out there. Then the barn aisles swept, waterers cleaned and refilled, and raking up old/dirty hay around the premises to help maintain the pristine look of the place. He expected it to take between five and seven hours to complete, and explained that I'd be the only one cleaning on my days out there. Talk about a MASSIVE job. And, with only two muck piles on the property, labor intensive. As we walked, I asked him why he didn't have a website. He kind of distantly smiled and said word of mouth kept away the bad business.

Rounding a corner, we bumped into a very short - seriously, I doubt she was over five foot tall - woman who he introduced as his wife, Anne. Anne was less than welcoming as she deliberately ignored my handshake by glancing at my outstretched arm and then wiping her hands on her breeches instead as she addressed Larry like I wasn't present. 'So, this is the new lost cause, then?'

Lost cause? Larry glanced at me quickly. "This is Tap, Anne. She's willing to work in exchange for.."
"So it IS the new lost cause, ok, just wanted to check." With that, Anne turned and strode away and I'm pretty sure I stood gaping after her like an idiot. Lost cause? Seriously, I never knew that people that unpleasant and surly even existed outside of Hollywood. Larry laughed uncomfortably as he showed me to the Rider's lounge, where I'd be permitted to eat lunch on my days out there. We discussed the terms of our agreement. One day a week, he was willing to work with my work schedule. If either of us decided it wasn't a good fit, he explained he'd give me a lesson of whatever duration I had earned and we'd go our separate ways. And, much to my surprise, he produced a type of contract in addition to the standard release form. I wasn't sure I wanted to move forward given Anne's behavior, but I signed anyway.

"I, Tap, do hereby agree to the terms of eight hours worked equating to one hour of lesson time by the property owner, Larry, until such a time that either party decides the agreement is not a good fit or otherwise backs out of the agreement for any reason."

And just like that, I was guided to a wheelbarrow and a pick and my first shift at Larry's began. I texted him my start time, and then I stared at what was quite possibly the messiest stall I had ever seen in my life. Every shaving was soaked through, there was a stupid amount of poo in both the stall and run, and it looked like it hadn't been cleaned in days. Larry must have seen my face because he explained that the mare in the stall went frequently, and he left me to it.

The first thing I discovered in my first hour there was that the lack of having an efficient system in place and having to drag the wheelbarrow to either end of the property was an energy and muscle killer. At the facility, a good system had been put in place to keep the job as easy for volunteers as possible. Here, there was no rhyme or reason to it other than to do the job and get it done. The extra cleaning steps burned my time. Where at the facility I could do as many as sixteen in two hours, it had taken an hour to do five. It was ironic, given the race Inhad had with Steve, and I wondered briefly how he would feel about working in a barn so vastly different from the center. The other thing I discovered was that the stalled horses here were much different from the horses at the center.

There was a big red horse in one of the stalls who backed off the pressure I applied to move him so vehemently that I thought he would put a hole through the wall. There was another horse who rocketed out of the stall with a mere point, and another still who took my attempt at moving him as an invitation directly into my space, and responded by shoving his shoulder into my chest and almost standing on my foot. Very few of them were as sticky as the horses at the center. Those that were all looked like they could be older. Greying faces and muzzles, some swaybacked, just a different kind of air around them. It was exciting to be around such a big group of horses withnaich varied reactions, and if it hadn't have been for the massive job ahead I would have spent a lot of time playing with it. But I pressed on.

By my third hour out there, I was feeling so negative about the whole thing. I had only gotten around 20 stalls done and the to-do list was still substantial. Just as I was reflecting over it, I bumped into Anne and she didn't do anything to improve the mood. She looked me up and down almost indifferently before randomly, "We've been screwed over many times."

What do you even say to that? I stayed quiet.

"I know your type. Too poor to be with horses and too eager to learn. They always screw us over the fastest."
"If I could afford it, I would. I don't want to screw anyone over."
"That's what you all say." And with a scoff, she left. 

I was so ready to just quit,but I thought back to my first day at the center. It was funny how the size of this job dwarfed the size of that one, and I had managed to stick it out then so I was going to stick it out now. It took another two hours to finish the barn stalls and runs. Each of the paddocks was a filthy, crappy mess and I ended up spending about two hours on them. With all of the picking done, I only had the waterers, aisles and raking of hay. I was looking for a hose when Larry finally checked in on me.

I told him about what had been done and what was left, leaving Anne out of it. Larry was merciful, "just go ahead and check the waterers for today. If it's really bad do it, if not, let it be. Hose is in the feed room off to the left there."

I swept the aisles while filling various waterers, only flooding four out of who remembers how many, then I drained the hose and put it away, and went looking for Larry. I couldn't believe it had been close to nine hours. I had already earned a lesson. When I found him, he was measuring evening feed. I told him I had finished,mhenhad me text him my finish time, and I went home. I was exhausted, sore, starving. But I hadn't quit on the job, and was very proud of that.

The following Tuesday, Beth asked all about how it had gone, so I filled her in with excruciating detail. Anne's behavior surprised her, she said she had never heard Anne be so mean. I brought up the money thing, and unfortunately that made more sense for her. Turns out they'd gone through several work exchange attempts, but Beth didn't think that Larry and Anne had been screwed over by those attempts. She asked if I would stick with it, and I wasn't sure. The job was massive, Anne hadn't been much of a comfort and I had never seen Larry teaching a lesson outside of those brief round pen moments. Beth did clear something up, though. Larry boarded horses for people and often gave lessons quietly to those he felt worthy of the education.

We are now only two days away from the present.


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

Keep at it twotap! I say that as a gen x-er who has three grown millennials and two still at home. With five children, we never seemed to have enough money to go around so all of them had to literally work for what they wanted…hard. And it paid off for them in the end. 

Many a times my sons and daughters have had to put up with people looking down their noses at them but, that soon changed when they proved themselves to be honest, hardworking and no job beneath them. It really does pay off in the end. Believe me.

I hope your lessons with Larry go well….


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Thank you! I'm not scared of hard work, but constantly being looked down on just because of my age or generation can be a motivation killer. I bet your kids have amazing work ethics!!


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

I'm a pretty proud momma. Don't let peeps bother you. Keep plugging away, you'll get where you want to be.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Last Weds was my second shift at Larry's place. I had spent a couple weeks with the flu, and in that time, had reflected a lot over everything that had happened. I worked on devising a system for his property and was eager to put it into practice. When we set up my second shift, he had mentioned coming an hour earlier, for my first lesson. 

It kind of took me back. I was expecting to have to work another day or two to prove myself, especially since I had called him to tell him voice to voice that I had caught the virus. I accepted and was more than ready to get out there. Tuesday at the center drug by, and it was hard to believe the temperamental differences between the horses at Larry's and the horses there. I started thinking back to my lesson days and what those horses had been like. Sure enough, in memory, those horses had been drastically different from both the center and Larry's. 

The center horses were all in their mid-late teens or twenties, dead-broke, calm and collected. I'd say they're all "dead to the pressure" from constantly being exposed to people who don't know much about being around horses and so definitely don't know how to move them or get them to do what they want the horses to do. In fact, many of the new volunteers are taught basic ground safety, like the distance to stay clear of a kick or to get super close to the rump, never lock yourself in, etc., but none of them are taught anything else. They're then let into the stalls and told to clean around the horses. Usually, barn team out there is only present when the barn manager is, so they have 'adult supervision' and someone available to help them at all times.

Larry's horses are all boarders or trainees, and so I'm sure at varying stages of training and in for various reasons. A couple were really flighty, and, having reflected for over two weeks, I think the one that deliberately came into my space was there for being too pushy, or a dominant type personality.

The horses where I lessoned were all OTTB types, very spooky and flighty, with no ground manners to speak of. The more I tried to compare the horses, the more I discovered just how insane those "lesson" horses were. They'd trample you when anything more than a loud thump happened, everything was scary and, I think I've said before, over half couldn't be tied due to pulling back too much/frequently, usually because they spooked. 

I'm trying not to dwell so much on the past, but these comparasions are here for a reason: all three environments had extremely different horses with extremely different mannerisms and behaviors. This speaks loudly to the types of training and people directly involved with it, I think. It's actually really interesting to have been involved at three totally different equine establishments and see how the various uses of horses, rules of engagement, and handling practices, directly affect the creatures. I find myself wondering what would happen if a horse from my old lesson barn were sent to the center, and a center horse sent to Larry, and a Larry horse sent to the lesson barn. How would the horse change? I'll never find out, of course, but it's interesting to think about and a very unique position to be in to be able to compare the training and handling levels and techniques, along side their outcomes.

At eight on Weds morning, I pulled into Larry's and half walked, half jogged to the arena we had agreed to work in. He was already there, a solid bay, probably like 14, 14.2, with him. "This is Lightning, he'll be your first lesson horse. Now tell me a little more about your horse history?"

I tried giving him a brief summary, memories I have yet to share here and skimming over the lesson barn experience. Yet, he asked in depth questions about that experience the most. He wanted to know everything. How long lessons had been, what had been entailed, how long I lessoned for, how long it had been since my last lesson. He asked about my instructors and was visibly and verbalized his disgust about the student instructors. He also asked about any ground work, and so I told him about my lunging experience and having the lead literally yanked out of my hands, and being told I'd ruin the horse. Then he asked about the lesson horses in depth, he wanted to know as much as I could remember about them and their demeanors. He held the same face as i talked about their training as he had when I told him about the lesson instructors. By the time he finished the almost interrogation, it had been 45 minutes. Internally I started to worry that this was my lesson, rehashing old memories. In our texts back and forth he had said the lesson would be over by nine. But I forced myself to stay relaxed and patient, there had to be a reason for this.

He shook his head as we finished the discussion and clicked his tongue, at which Lightning almost instantly reacted to by lifting his head and putting an ear on Larry. "I never knew someone would take advantage of a sweet young girl quite like that. Tell me about this barn owner?" Ugh, ok. Alright. We discussed her for the other fifteen minutes, I covered everything, from the exclusivity of riding with her, to the "there's just some people she doesn't like" excuse. He smacked his lips like he was satisfied with the info before turning to Lightning. 

"Now that I know the crap you've put up with, I want to test something. That entire time, what did you notice about this old boy?"

I looked at the horse. His head was drooped low again, but an ear was still turned toward Larry, paying attention. Come to think of it, it had almost been easy to forget that Lightning had been in the arena with us at all. "He's very calm. He's not dancing around, pawing the floor, he looks almost like he's asleep or drugged or something." 
"Very good. Lightning learned a long time ago that he just needs to relax when he's tied. There aim't many who stand this nice, depends on the personality. But, they can be taught to contain themselves if you have the knowhow." 

And with that, Larry untied Lightning and led him out of the arena, back to his stall. My concern had been confirmed when he released me to get started on my next shift, so I texted him the start time and got to it, implementing the system I had devised over the last two weeks. I started in the middle of the barn and worked my way out, toward the closest muck pile, emptying, scrubbing and refilling waters as I went. Each stall took longer, but it paid off, because by my first hour of five stalls included their waterers too, not just the picking. 

I was annoyed that such a hard first day had gone to such a meaningless lesson. I kept telling myself that he had a purpose for that first lesson, maybe to test my patience or see what I'd do, or maybe Beth hadn't told him much about my horse history. Other than the remarkable patience of Lightning, I had learned almost nothing. Nothing about horses, nor Larry. All it had achieved was relivimg a crappy four years. Maybe he just wanted to know more about me, but couldn't that have happened outside of a lesson setting? 

I tried employing the stuff Beth had told me about moving the horse's feet on the horses that hadn't been turned out to pasture yet, but found that my irritation kept me from being able to focus on them and I noticed that they seemed reluctant to listen to me, probably because of that fact. I ended up treating them like the center horses, only moving them out of my way if they were in a spot that needed cleaning. I was just emptying a waterer when Larry popped out of nowhere with a young lady not much older than myself. He explained that she was a boarder and had wanted to introduce us since I'd be cleaning her horse's stall. She had the reactive red horse who had almost put a hole in the stall wall. We chatted for a few minutes while I scrubbed the waterer, turns out that the red horse, we'll call him Ben, had been punished with the back up.

The owners before her would chase the poor thing backward until he almost lost his legs and went down and had demonstrated it to her on the day she went to complete her purchase. They used the punishment for everything. Normal things, like moving away from the mounting block, bad things, like putting his teeth on them, and things like sniffing them or other, minimally invasive but notnquite disrespectful behavior that shouldn't warrant a reprimand anyway. It created a horse that rocketed backward and eventually developed a rearing problem with even the slightest bit of pressure. I told her I had noticed that when I had tried to move him so I could clean his stall on that first day, and she was mortified. Not because I ruined her horse, like I initially thought she was going to say, but because she worried I could have gotten hurt. I apologized and promised to leave his stall until it was empty, but Larry stepped in.

"It was good for him to see she wasn't trying to kill him, and eventually she got him out, so no harm done."

We both agreed and they went on their way and I worked to pick up the slack from the conversation. I spent the next few hours working the new system and enjoying the outcome. By my fifth hour, I had managed to clean almost 28 of the stalls, waterers included, and I was feeling much better than the last time. I had just texted him to log the start of my lunch break when Anne rounded a corner and scoffed at the sight of my phone. "Seriously, on the phone? Texting someone?"

I wanted to say something rude back but I took a deep breath. "Only letting Larry know I'm taking a lunch break. I won't be working so I know it won't apply to my lesson time." Then I almost sprinted, but managed to walk, away before Anne could say anything else. I didn't know what her problem was, but I was determined to put my best foot forward and try not to make her mad at me. I ate quickly and got right back to it, following the same method and managing to finish the barn in six and a half hours! I decided to sweep the aisles before going out to the paddocks and rake the old hay, and managed to finish the entire job in just under eight hours. I texted my finish time to Larry, and was excited to see that since my first day had gone nine hours, I was already on my way toward earning my third lesson. I had a second lesson paid for and was feeling excellent. I asked in the text if he needed any more help, he said no and sent me on my way.

So now my next lesson with him will be this coming Monday, which will be my next day out there. Hopefully it's better than my first.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

*Chapter Two - The Startover*

I got out there at the arranged time, a little less excited than before. The last lesson, while maybe not as meaningless as I had felt the day of, left a lot to be desired. The last thing I wanted was for another hard earned lesson to be spent standing around, talking. I made my way into his indoor arena, only to find it deserted. Not a soul in sight. I wandered over to his smaller indoor, he wasn't there, either. I checked his outdoors, though I had walked by them on the way in and he hadn't been there. He still wasn't. I went back to the first arena and decided to wait. After a half hour, I realized he probably wasn't coming.

So what now?

I had one of two options, give him the benefit of the doubt because he's Beth's friend or leave. I understand I'm not a paying customer and so not very high on the priority list, but we have a fair trade deal in place. He agreed to it and signed his own contract. I checked my phone, still no call or text. I was extremely frustrated and typed out a draft, voicing my frustrations, backing out of the agreement and foregoing any lessons earned. Then I thought of Beth and erased the entire thing, replacing it instead with: "Hey, would it be ok to get started on my chores while I wait?" He responded about ten minutes later with a one-worded affirmation, and my frustration only grew.

I decided to try a different approach today: group paddocks and hay raking first, then stalls and waterers, sweeping last. Since it was so early, none of the horses were where Inhad become accustomed to. The group paddocks each housed up to six horses and getting the wheelbarrow in and out of them proved super difficult. At one point I had to wave the pick over my head just to get the group to back off, and after getting the first wheelbarrows out of the pen, I decided the rest of the paddocks could wait and went back to the stalls.

It's super quiet on that property. I spent the first few hours alone, stewing over being stood up for the morning's lesson and generally working around the horses. There wasn't much noise outside of the typical horsey shuffling, and eventually I got tired of being annoyed and instead started finding things to be happy about. I was trusted on the property without supervision, which was nice. I got to be around horses, a plus. I wasn't stuck at work, always a bonus. It was a bit chilly out but a generally nice day. I was just starting to feel better when a voice came out of nowhere. I had become so immersed in my thinking that I hadn't noticed the boarder and her friends come into the barn. She cleared her throat.

"Ahem, little girl, what do you think you're doing in my horse's stall?" 

Did she and Anne go to the same school of manners? I bit my tongue, "I'm cleaning it and almost done..."
"And why, exactly, do you think that's ok?"
"Larry gave me permission to-"
"Larry did, hm? Should I give him a call and see if that's true?"

Now, I don't look my age. I look younger than I am and am sure that this is why she was being so demeaning, but I have to ask. What kind of hoodlum kid sneaks onto a horse property and CLEANS, STALLS??? I kept my temper, pretending like I was dealing with Anne, "I can give him a call on my cell, if you like. I'm working a fair trade with him, you see. I work for eight hours and he repays me with a lesson."

She scoffed and turned to her friend, who had just come up the aisle. "Did you hear that, she's _just_ a volunteer." And they laughed before opening the door and going to catch her horse. She didn't bother to excuse herself and almost dumped the wheelbarrow on her way out. I sighed, finishing the stall and moving on to the waterer. Several more people showed up after her, all infinitely nicer than she had been. Apparently the lot of them came out once a week to ride together on their horses and practice dressage tests. I perked up at that, wondering if Beth would be among them.

She wasn't, but a nice lady with a beautiful Appy was. Her name was Hannah and she commended me for working with Larry. "He's a great coach. A little spacy at times, but really gets horses. You won't regret it!" I took a chance and asked her if he'd ever stood a lesson up on her and she seemed taken aback that I would even imply such rudeness on his behalf. It did nothing to make me feel better about his absence that morning or the fact that he still hadn't let me know whether he'd be coming. I sighed and thanked her for her time.

The only good that came from getting such an early start was that by one I had finished thirty of the stalls and waterers and would likely be done by three or four. I had been so preoccupied by thinking while I cleaned that moving the horses had fallen to the wayside, and the mean lady's "_just_ a volunteer" comment really kind of stung. I knew that people without money tend to be looked down upon in certain rings of the horse world, but I never imagined being in that ring myself. I decided that in the next stall over I would focus on the horse.

She was a beautiful grey/white horse named Beulah, with a tail that touched the ground. She looked quite a bit fancier than the rest of the horses on the property. She had a big, thick neck that had a beautiful arch and she seemed to be very thick in build. Almost like an Andalusian. She happened to be standing in the thick of the mess in her stall, so I pointed out the door and clucked. No luck. I took a step more to the side, making sure to move the wheebarrow too and tried again, nope. I stepped toward her hip and brought up ny hand for rear momentum. Nada. I was about to ask agan when... "What do you think you're doing! My poor Beulah...." The stall door slid open and there was Anne, throwing herself between me and the horse as though I were approaching her with a machete, arms out to the side in a very protective manner. 

"She's standing in the dirtiest spot of the stall, I need to clean it."
"I told him we needed people with common sense, not useless little girls!"
I snapped, unable to handle Anne's degradation and demeanong attitude any more. I've only known her for a few days, but she's had a consistently bad attitude toward me and my work from the get go. I opened my mouth to say something, thought better of it and finally, "you're right, ma'am. I'll just go clean an empty..."
"I don't want you cleaning my stalls. You're done, I'm releiving you of your duties here. Larry owes you one lesson."
"Two." I said flatly, trying to keep my temper. Beulah had started tossing her head, probably because of the hostility/anxiety in the stall. I just wanted to get the wheelbarrow and get out of there. "I had an hour of overtime and have worked seven hours today. That puts me at eight, and your husband already owed me a lesson from last time."
"Yeah, whatever. Just get your things and go. You're done." 

With pleasure. I was fed up. Between being stood up, the cruddy first lesson, Anne's attitude and the Boarder's treatment of me, I had no patience. I was in the process of dumping the wheelbarrow when Larry finally showed up. He came over, "I heard Anne pulled the plug."
There was so much I wanted to say, but I reminded myself not to burn the bridge so, "I'm sorry it didn't work out. All you have left to clean is the paddocks and a couple stalls. Sweeping should be a breeze."
"Well I sure hope you'll consider sticking around. I really like your work ethic and think this could really work out..."
"Sir, Anne was absolutely certain that I'm not working out."
"I'm willing to take a chance on you." 

I told him I'd think about it and excused myself. He didn't argue and told me not to worry about the rest of the stalls or anything. So now I'm home, feeling rather ripped off and mixed up. I should keep going with this deal, Beth got it for me and he's willing to take the risk. But, Anne is the one who pulled the plug and I don't want to continue dealing with her poor attitude and treatment. 

Since sitting down to type this journal entry, I've received a textual invitation back out there for the lesson I was supposed to get this morning, and he's offered to gift me two extra lessons for the trouble. The lesson would be from six to seven and I'm not sure I should take it. I really need to get Beth's cell number. I'm very conflicted on going back to lesson or do the trade. It could be a good deal, but I'm just not impressed... I donno. I'll report back tonight, whether I go or not.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Well, I went.

I texted Larry back and asked him if we could have a meeting regarding the work I had done for them and Anne's displeasure with me before the lesson. I asked that Anne be present. Her behavior in the meeting would determine whether I went forward or not. It's a real challenge to change a negative line of thinking, even as internalized as mine, to a positive one. Working around someone as demeaning as Anne does nothing to help a person overcome it. Larry agreed, and so by 5:30, I was back out to Larry's place.

We met in the rider's lounge for a very casual sit-down. Anne was there looking so angry. I asked what I could do to improve my work performance, and Larry was quick to say that even in as short a time frame as I had worked in, I was one of the more efficient workers he had had and he had no complaints. Anne stayed quiet. I asked if there was something I could do to improve the general functionality of the place, like devising a system or method, or if there was a method I was supposed to be following and was unaware of. Larry said he was happy with what I had done and considered implementing it with his regular staff. Anne stayed quiet. So for fifteen minutes, I asked questions about the work I had done and my attitude and for improvements to make, and Larry answered and Anne didn't. Larry seemed satisfied, Anne did not. I finally had enough.

"Anne, I notice you seem upset and unwilling to agree or disagree with Larry. I consider you my boss too and would like your feedback. The last thing I want is to anger you." There. It put her on the spot without being too rude or forward, and I noticed Larry looking... Impressed? Who knows. Anne's cheeks flushed. She pursed her lips and squinted off toward Larry, who just patted her knee for support and told her to answer the question. She gave me a dirty look before, "I don't like your kind."

Not this again! I asked for clarification, and she very vaguely hinted at me being beneath her because I had to work for my lessons and couldn't afford to pay them. She didn't say it outright, though, so I asked her if there was anything I could do to prove that I wasn't just a little kid trying to rip them off, and she shook her head 'no.' I had no idea what to do. I can be civil and professional, but I do still struggle with being a real grown up, and it can be really hard to refrain from saying all the childish things I'd like to. I sighed, and something I remember hearing a coworker say popped to mind. I explained that I didn't want to work in a hostile environment and, if it would make things easier for her, I would back out of the agreement. She looked shocked, and Larry did too. They looked at each other before looking back at me. "Hostile?"
"Yes ma'am, I tolerate a lot but being belittled is something I can't stand. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted, and you have made it clear I'm not welcome here." Agh, Tap! Shut up, you never say this kind of thing out loud! It was crazy, but it had slipped out before I fully realized that I was saying it. Who knows, maybe she needed to hear it? She looked genuinely appalled and Larry squeezed her knee. I was totally prepared to be told to leave. She surprised me, though.
"I'm... Sorry. It was never my intention to be hostile."

It wasn't much, but it was an apology and I accepted. As a group, we came to the decision that it was too soon to back out of the agreement, I told them my upcoming work schedule and we arranged for that to be my third shift at Larry's place. Larry insisted on gifting me those two extra lessons, so by the end of our meeting, I was owed four lessons. I was unsure of that, given my first lesson. After we discussed everything, Anne excused herself from the room and I was suddenly aware of how quiet it had been. I felt a need to apologize for my behavior, but Larry spoke before I had a chance.

"You handled yourself better than a lot of your seniors would have. You should be proud." I thanked him, then he changed the topic to the lesson I was there for. I'll put that in its own post though, so it's not a massively long post!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Larry settled into his chair before we continued the conversation. 

"I bet you're wondering why your first lesson was just standing in an arena, talking."
"Well, kind of.."
"I like to know where my students have been. There is a lot that can be learned just from asking about their previous experiences, especially the horse specific ones. It tells me their mentality toward learning, what kind of things they've already learned, what they don't know. Standing them in an arena with a horse also tells me how attentive they are. You wouldn't believe how many people fail The Test."
"The test?" 
"Yes. The test is to see whether they pay attention to their surroundings, if they keep an eye, without exactly realizing it, on the horse I've tied up in there with us. Lightning stands so well just about all of my students have forgotten he's in there with us by the end of the questionnaire."

I thought about that. Sure enough I had almost forgotten about him, but at the same time, I can very vaguely remember checking on him every now and again. Had I passed? Larry went on, "The Test is also a way of screening students, too. The vast majority of people quit when their first lesson isn't what they expect. Those are the people who _just want to ride_ and they are the ones I wish the most luck to. Because their failure to understand that horses are more than just saddle time will lead them down a very dangerous, and empty headed, path. Paticularily if they purchase a horse of their own one day."

Instantly I was thankful I had decided to give him another chance and was surprised to hear that I fell in with the majority. I must have blushed, because he laughed, said he thought so and took a sip of his soda. "Before we start your next lesson, I'd like to know where you want to go with horses."
"Where I want to go?" 
"Yes. You're a very unique case. There were many instances in your past that you told me about that speak toward your intuition. I don't know many people who could essentially teach themselves to ride in an environment like your old lesson barn. I've heard about your work at the center and seen it for myself. You work like a paid employee, you manage your temper, even under the most extreme degradation and snarky attitudes. So I emplore you, where do you want to go with horses?"

It was weird to think about how to answer that question. No one had asked me so directly before, and I was reluctant to tell him the big ornate goals I had. I shrugged, "I'm not entirely sure..."
"Well, you want to do the makeover. Why?"
"Well.. I like the idea of the time crunch, and seeing how far we can get."
"There's more, yes? Mustangs are very specific, a lot of people don't like them. Why mustangs? Why not get yourself a nice little quarter horse? I know a great breeder, sells well built and trained mares."

The idea offended me for reasons I didn't quite understand. Naturally I'd be happy to have any horse of my own. But the entire thing, "mustangs are hard, get a QH instead." Rubbed me the wrong way. I made a face and kept my mouth shut, and eventually he smiled and reiterated the question. Why mustangs? He wanted an answer, but it wasn't an answer I was able to spout off at the drop of a hat. I thought for a moment. Why mustangs? They're pretty, but feral. Training them is supposedly much more difficult. They have their own brains, they're smart. Not for everyone. Why, why, why. Then it hit me: Mustangs attract me exactly for those reasons. They're nature made and tested, they know the real world better than just about any horse, or human even. They know their strength and when to apply it. They know bonds, family and loyalty. I won't say they're any better or any worse than domestic bred horses, but they're entirely different at the same time. I told Larry this revelation, and he considered me for a moment over the rim of his soda. The only thing he said was,"Interesting."

About half-past six, Larry announced we'd be starting our lesson and went to fetch Lightning. When he entered the arena, he was about six feet in front of the horse, which was different from everything I was ever taught. I made a snap decision and asked Larry if he'd be ok actimg like I had never been around horses before, and just starting anew. He smirked for a moment, then, "usually I'm yelling at people to start over and act like they know nothing. I've never had a student actually ask to be started over. Yes, we can do that." I asked him about why he was leading so far ahead of his horse, he explained that they are prey animals and that the eyes work almost independently of each other, so it was safer for the handler to be ahead of the horse, where both eyes could see him. If the horse spooked, he could move left or right freely, and if he chose to move forward. He was more likely to move around Larry than run over him. He then gave me the lead and we spent a half hour practicing leading. It was extremely awkward to be so far ahead of Lightning, but I also liked the idea of not being right on top of his head.

After that, he had me groom Lightning and he talked about close minded people he had taught refusing to acknowledge the limit of what they knew and actually work with him. Those students never lasted in his program, apparently. After he was groomed, Larry surprised me by taking me to a round pen. "What do you want to learn? What skill is at the forefront of your mind?" I thought about that for a moment. What I really wanted to know, most pressing thing, was moving their feet and especially getting them out of the stall. I told him that, the he lead both me and Lightning to the center of the round pen. "Then that's where we'll start." And just like that, he took the halter off Lightning, put me in the middle and got out of the arena. 

What?!?! Shouldn't there be preface work or an introduction or something? I stared after him, my mouth gaping, and he laughed without even turning to look at me as he hung the halter on a hook. "I can feel the look you're giving me. You want to move his feet, so acct like he were in a stall, and make him move." 

I sighed, turning to face Lightning. I did what I always do: i pointed and looked where I wanted him to go, clucked and used my free hand to give him momentum. Lightning did nothing, so I fell on Beth's advice and moved toward his hip. I clucked and pointed again, and he trotted off in the direction I was pointing. It was exhillerating! I half expected him to keep going, but he stopped a few feet away, and both of us looked to Larry for guidance. Larry only gestured at Lightning and told me to do it again. So I did, and once I got him going Larry told me to line myself up with his hip and walk with him. 

Much easier said than done!

Once I got Loghtning going at a consistent walk, Larry started instructing: "What you're doing is called a Free Lunge, or Lunge at Liberty. You're using every part of your body to direct the horse. Your face, chest and walk are pointed forward, you're looking a few panels ahead of him. This creates the opportunity for him to move with you. Slow your speed, you're not asking a trot... Good. Liberty work like this translates directly into moving them out of the stall. You have to give good direction to get good response. Now, straighten your back, pick up your speed but stay at his hip. Cluck and ask for trot." 

I did what he asked, and Lightning trotted a few steps but then fell out of it. Larry barked at me to keep my pace or I'd lose the gait. I asked again, and this time got a much better trot. We worked the trot as Larry spoke on: "Now, the importance of the hip is often misunderstood. Getting in front of the shoulder puts a barrier of pressure in front of the horse and tells him to slow down. In a way, you're almost physically telling him not to go there. It's frustrating to him to be told to go faster but feel unable to do so. In the stall, it's much more confined and so much easier to be in front of the shoulder. You have to be aware of yourself in order to be capable of moving them. The hip, and being in line with it, is your direct access to the gait. In a way, the hip is a gas pedal and the shoulder is a brake. If you're at the hip, you're driving him forward. Now, pick yourself up, pick up the speed but watch the shoulder, and kiss to canter."

The canter was much harder. I kept picking up my speed, but doing so kept getting myself in front of the shoulder, so he'd lose all momentum totally and break to a walk. The few glimpses of Larry I caught showed a highly amused man, and I felt very embarrassed. I asked for the canter one more time, trying hard not to get ahead of the shoulder, and mercifully he picked it up, right lead and all! We did a couple of laps before I realized he was starting to rum away with me. He was gradually getting faster and I was gradually having to pick up the pace to keep up with him. Eventually I was almost Jogging before Larry finally started teaching again: "this is because you're not controlling your reactions. Lightning started this your second lap of canter but you didn't notice. He picked up speed, you instinctively picked it up with him. By doing so, you actually told him you wanted more speed. Now he's trying to satisfy that need, but you won't give him release. You keep this up and you'll get a full gallop. Slow your own body. Think "trot", walk "trot", tell him speed is not the answer."

I tried. For six or seven laps, I focused in thinking trot and slowing my own feet. Nothing, though he did eventually stop running so hard. Larry told me to quit holding my breath, which I hadn't realized I was doing. I exhaled, and eventually was standing totally still, pivoting only as much as I felt I needed to keep on his hip. I exhaled again, thought "troooooooooot, pleeeeeeaaaaassssseeee" and finally, he brought himself down. Larry beamed at me from what I could see. "Very good. Now get him to walk. Same thing, think "walk" and slow those feet." By the time I finally got him to walk, he was slick with sweat and I was exhausted. I felt bad and so incapable. The poor thing had run himself hard all because I wasn't able to tell that we were feeding off each other. We let him walk for a few minutes, to catch his breath.

"That was pretty darn good for a self-taught horse person doing her first free lunge." He must have read my mind. "Ready to go the other way?"

No! No way! But I stayed quiet and let him instruct. He had me 'pull the eye' by putting my hand up in it's direction, staring his hip down and backing away from him as soon as he looked at me. Lightning walked over to me of his own accord and so I gave him some scratches and apologized dor running him so hard. He blew on my hair, and then Larry had me send him the other way. This direction, going to the left, was much easier. We let him walk for a little bit, then Larry had me ask for a trot. 

"Horses feel thoughts. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. What you think sends an energy down your body, almost an intention, that they detect and interpret. When you think slower or faster, they pick up the intention and will work with you, once trained. That is the purpose of thinking slower thoughts to transition down and faster thoughts to transition up. I could tell the moment you figured out what I meant by slow earlier, because when you thought it, he did it. With that in mind, think faster, pick yourself ul, and get me that canter."

Lightning picked up a glorious, calm canter that looked like a great ride. I noticed this time that he wasn't running off with me and that I was just a little more aware of his speed and my speed matching. I was surprised how long Larry let us canter before asking us to transition down. Instantly, I started thinking more slowly and trying to slow my feet. The reaction came much more quickly, and within twenty laps, we had him walkkng to cool out. Larry came back with the halter and told me that for Lightning's cool down I was to hand walk fifteen laps, then he disaappeared to do his barn check. The entire time I tried to focus on leading like Larry had taught me, and I spoke to Lightning, thanking him for being a teacher and putting up with me. 

After the lesson, Larry explained that Lightning was a mix of the two smartest types of horses he knew: a mustang and an Arabian, and that he had been the product of a well intentioned lady who had let her mustang mare get caught up with an intact Arabian stallion. We towel dried Lightning, I thanked Larry for the lesson and then I was sent in my way, having learned SO much!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I was at the center yesterday, with the free lunge fresh on my mind and so excited to try and move the horses again, but when I got there I was pulled aside nd asked to help with a new group of people who were volunteering through their school to give the horses baths and groom them. Many of the kids had never been around or touched horses before and so I found myself instructing each kid I was assigned to how ro halter. I would demonstrate putting the halter on and explain how to do it, then take the halter off, close it and let them try. Apparently those kids were interested in being vets one day and the point of the clinic was to get them a little hands on time before they shipped off to college. The other volunteers who had gotten roped into helping with the clinic just haltered and lead the horses for them, and by the end I was thanked for my patience and instrution.

After the clinic, I went and foind Beth, who was eager to hear all about Monday. I told her everything, ending on the lesson. She was confused and surprised that Anne had tried to cut thr deal so early, and vowed to help me figure out what I was doing wrong. She had a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't what I was doing so much as my age, but wanted to talk with her before declaring that the problem. Beth had been training all through the horse bathing clinic so she was on her way out, and the barn cleaners only had a few stalls left and too many people to assign a stall to, so I ended up back home and it'll be about a week before I have anymore updates.

I did get Beth's cell number, though, which is a plus. Also, while I am bound by the rules of the center not to post pics, and Larry has also asked for his privacy, I'll try to find some pics online of a horse similar to Lightning.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Thursday was magical. I was sent home from work early due to too many staff in hand and given today off because there's too many hours on my time card. So I was texting back and forth with Beth when she invited me out to Larry's to watch her work her current project horse, a grey and white paint she picked up almost a month ago. I agreed, and about a half-hour later, I was watching Beth free lunge Loco the same way I had done Lightning. There was no running off, like I had achieved, but it was so cool to watch someone who knew what she was doing work the young man. It's almost like real-world magic just how in tune the horses can be to the person handling them. The entire time, Beth was silent in the round pen, except to praise him every now and again. She must have been thinking incredibly loud thoughts, because she barely altered her pace or look to get a good response out of him. 

After abiut fifteen, she put the halter back on him and started swinging the lead rope all over the place. Sometimes, it touched his body, or wrapped around his legs, others she was slapping it to the ground, and Loco just stood there, relaxing. "This plays a part in desensitization. He gets used to things randomly touching him all over his body. There's a lot of people in the world I ride in who have great horses under saddle, and abysmal horses on the ground who spook at nothing and run over their handlers. Those people tend to call what I do 'western training' and I am often ridiculed for it."

She moved onto a stick with a bag attached to it, rubbing his neck with it then waving the crinkly annoyance all over the place. Loco stayed still. Then she told me where to find a lunging whip, a tarp and a swimming pool noodle, and sent me on my way. I bumped into Larry, who was pleasantly surprised to see me and offered me a lesson after Beth was done! I accepted, thanked him and returned to Beth with full arms and a grin. She smiled back, said she thought that would happen, then began doing the same thing she had done with the lead rope with the lunge whip. This time, each swing was accompanied with a loud "CRACK" and Loco flinched, but still stood nicely. Then she 'reeled' herself into him, gave him some scratches and walked away, letting him follow her. "This is an intermission. What I just did with the lunge whip is also desitization, it makes more noise and has a different feel to it. Last time I did this with him, he'd rocket away from the noise and I would have to bring him back to his starting position and do it again. By letting him walk, I'm telling him he did well and giving him a break."

"Why do you need the loud crack, what does that do?"

"The loud crack is a sudden noise. Kind of like if we were riding and suddenly a... Fence broke, or gun went off. The sudden noise would trigger his flight response, make him jump and possibly make him lose his mind. It's scary, out of the blue, and being a prey animal, his instinct would be to flee. I show a lot and there's been a myraid of random noises. Children screaming, car horns or alarms going off, cannon fire. I don't want a horse who is going to take me or anyone who buys him for a wild ride."

"Cannon fire?"

"Yeah, sometimes I take my fancy, high level dressage horses out to the renniasance fair and we ride around. I always wear the knight's armor and dress them up as my trusty steeds!" 

Can I just say how much I love Beth? She's so unlike every horse person I've met to date. She's not the snooty types (like my lesson barn was), she doesn't judge people's ambitions, and she doesn't gridlock herself into just one type of riding. 

After Loco had his break, she took the tarp and flapped it all over the place. On his sides, over his back, she had him walk with it on his back, then she put it on the ground and had him walk over it. The halter came off, she free lunged him over it, both ways, the halter went back on, the tarp was draped over a fence and I was told to stand there, wiggling it, as he was lead by. He handled all of it like a pro, not even flinching. After that, the tarp was left on the fence and the pool noodle came into the picture. Loco had never seen a noodle before, so when she approached him with it, he rocked back on his feet and became very alert, even though he stayed still.

Beth explained that the noodle presented new smells and other stimulus. The feel of it touching him would be extremely different from what he knew. He acted like it too. He started blowing and snorting pretty hard, and even though his feet were planted, he was constantly shifting his body away from the noodle's touch. Eventually, she'd touch him and walk away from him after, letting him follow her. "This shows him that it won't kill him, and when I walk away from him he can investigate and check the noodle out. It's very give and take right now."

She worked for about ten minutes with the noodle on each side, and when he finally stood still for her approach with it, she gace the noodle back to me, gave him his scratches and a cookie, and hand walked him for a few minutes. "I'm happy with that. He accepted the noodle without evasive maneuvers or trying to run away, so that's where we'll call it quits. He can stew on that for a few days and next time we work, he'll be much, much better." Just as she finished talking, Larry came into the arena with Lightning.

They chatted for a few minutes on how Loco had gone, and Larry seemed thoroughly impressed, saying that she had come a far way with her new horse and should be proud. Then he turned to me and explained that I would be free lunging again, only without his input. I think I audibly gulped, because both he and Beth laughed! Beth took her horse out and Larry brought me and Lightning in, taking the halter off and abandoning me in the center. "I think you'll find it's much easier this time!"

Lightning was casually wandering around the arena, sniffing the ground and probably actively ignoring me. I was feeling very bashful and hyperaware of Beth's and Larry's eyes. I took a deep breath, pointed to the right and clucked. Lightning did nothing! I half expected Larry to bark at me again and was turning to ask him for guidance, but... He wasn't there. Neither was Beth. Loco was, he was standing tied to one of the grooming areas in the arena, but otherwise we were alone. I started to doubt myself. Can't started playing in my mind again. 

Can't make him move.
Can't free lunge anyway.
Not worth teaching.

Then, I firmly reminded myself that I *can* because I had! I pointed again, looked where I wanted him to go, and clucked. This time when he didn't move, I flapped my hand. Nothing. I looked to his hip, lined myself up with it, looked forward, hand up, forward motion from the back, cluck. Nothing. I noticed he still wasn't paying attention to me, so this time I dropped further behind his hip, looked forward with the point, and I kissed twice. Lightning picked up a trot and I hurried to fall in line with his hip while looking a couple panels ahead of him and trying to keep his forward motion. Ok, he was moving. But I didn't want him to trot yet, I only wanted him to walk. So I focused on a downward transition. I slowed my feet down, took a few deep breaths like I was about to yawn and thought 'waaaaaalk' and he did it! I was so proud that I told him he was a good boy. I let him walk like five laps, counting each time he passed the gate to the round pen, then I straigntened my back, looked farther ahead of him, and clucked. He picked up the trot almost instantly! I praised him again, let him go another five laps, and did the same for the canter. 

My ask must have been too big, because he was going as fast as the first day. I was amazed that I had caught onto his speed so quickly! The last time Inhadn't even noticed either of us picking up the speed. The only problem was I wasn't sure what to do. Larry had been there to tell me how to control the gait but his advice was slipping my mind. I decided to transition him down to a trot, which was probably the worst transition ever. He unceremoniously *fell* out of the canter and tripped, ending up in the walk and giving me quite the stare. I apologized, let him walk for a few, then decided to try something: a quick transition. I would ask him to trot, let him go a lap, then ask for the canter. He picked up his trot with ease, and the faster time between transitions helped, I think. He picked up the canter and was starting to race again. I moved more to the center of the arena, walking a smaller circle like I had watched Beth do, and thought 'just canter, that's all. No need to run away, juuuuust canter.' 

It worked! He slowed his gait, eventually coming down to a nice, collected canter and we were able to hold it for a couple laps before I decided that should be good enough and asked him to come back to a trot, then a walk. As he walked, I looked around the indoor. Still no Beth or Larry. Where had they gone, why was I all by myself? I thought maybe I should work his other side, pulled his eye and let him stand for a moment before changing directions. This side was a lot more awkward. I wasn't able to walk the smooth circle with him like I had the other way. Instead, I was taking, tiny little awkward steps toward him. Even though he moved with me, you could tell it was throwing us off.

I tried to correct myself and then he was off to canter. I had inadvertantly gotten a walk to canter transition! I was quick to bring him down, then after a moment asked him to trot, and eventually canter. Even though it was more awkward for me, this side was much better for him and there wasn't much to tell because it went so smoothly. After a few laps of canter, I brought him back to trot, then walk. Still no sign of Beth or Larry, and I had no idea what I should do or how long I had been in the arena with Lightning. I decided, that since his other side had been so much work, I'd keep him on this side and decided to try different transitions. 

I asked him to trot, then I tried playing with the speed of the gait. I was mildly successful! I had figured out how to get a really fast trot and a really slow,mfeet dragging trot. I didn't like either of those speeds. I'd guess you could say I wanted a 'working trot' out of him and was just playing with it when they finally came back in. Beth had a sly smile on her face and she gave me a thumbs up on one of the laps I was able to see her. Larry looked pleased too.

"Go ahead and bring him back, I'd say he's had enough for today. You did very well."

Whaaat? They hadn't even been in there with me! I brought him to a walk, pulled his eye and gave him his praise while Larry brought the halter over. He gave both of us a pat, explained we could go for a walk around the property with him (Beth beought Loco) to cool him out. While on the walk, Beth explained they had been in the viewing room above the arena, and had watched the whole thing. Turns out Larry, Beth and even Anne were very impressed and pleased, and neither Anne nor Beth could believe it was only my second free lunge! We chatted about her plans with Loco, she hadn't been able to find out much about Anne's attitude, and then we put the boys away. I made sure to find and thank Larry for the lesson before we left.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I finally have some time to update today.

Tuesday was my cleaning shift at the center. It's crazy how much of a difference my self-taught free lunge made with my confidence around the loose horses! It was much easier to find a spot to be in to communicate with them that I wanted them out of my space, and asking for the movement went much better, too. I was able to bring myself and energy up and ask for forward motion. These horses are still 'dead to pressure' but they were more alert with the difference in my confidence and much less sticky in the feet. There was one instance, I was cleaning Risky's run and Rootbeer was in the stall next door. Both of these boys strike me as 'top of the pile' horses who don't tolerate a lot of crap. They were having words over the fence, squealing, that was quickly escalating to probably kicking. 

Now I was at the end of the run, opposite the barn and essentially trapped. The gates have narrow slats between bars and slipping through them isn't easy in a fast paced, stressful situation. They're also chained shut and I'd never actually opened them before and didn't want to be stuck fimbling with the chain when the kicking started. Sneaking behind Risky seemed like the thing to do until he turned his rear to Rootbeer and threatened a kick, so I realized that I had two options: try to climb the fence or try to get Risky out of the run. I brought my energy up as huge as I could, clucked and 'barked' at Risky and tried to convince him to get the heck out of there. At first he ignored me, but I squared up and decided to use the handle of the pick as a crop. I clucked and got his eye on me, then I pointed and tried to push him to the barn. He moved a little begrudgingly, and Rootbeer kept egging him on. So I tapped the handle of the pick in his rump and clucked again. He pinned his ears at Rootbeer so I got massive, yelled 'get outta here!' Gave him a harder bump on the rump and puckered. Risky took the hint this time and went trotting off into his stall, followed closely by Rootbeer. 

I was victorious! And, while being very cautious and slightly worried, I was actually very calm and confident during that whole 45 second interaction. As I kept working on the run, Risky tried a couple times to come back out but I stayed persistent and kept him in his stall. I didn't want to chance it with both of them being amped up. I kept a constant form of attention on him, either by making myself big and backing him into it, or clucking at him sharply and squarely facing him. When I was ready to move into the stall, I closed the gap between us and let go of the pressure by dropping my guard, and sure enough Risky bolted back out and picked up where he left off with Rootbeer. Both biys had calmed considerably down, though, and were only nipping at each other instead of squealing or trying to strike. As I cleaned his stall, I shifted the effort from keeping him in to keeping him out. Even though he had calmed down I didn't want to be in there with him all amped up.

At the center I also realized that I rather prefer Larry's method of leading. Larry leads 'cowboy' style a good six feet in front of his horse. He explains it as being a physical object the horse is likely to avoid when running away or spooking, especially since many spooks have the horse jumping to the side. The center leads their horses, and teaches all volunteers, to lead the 'showmanship' way. Where the handler is between the head and shoulders at the neck. I feel safer 'dragging' the horses than I do leading them the showmanship way. We're not in each other's space so much and I learned with Larry that a lot of things, like maneuvering gates, are much easier without trying to keep a horse right by your side. My last shift at the center kind of solidified it for me. I was leading a smaller paint gelding out to his day pasture the center's way and we came across a pallette that hadn't been there the day before. Naturally that's a little spooky for the horses, but the paint I was leading had a massive spook to this new object and, like Larry had predicted, rocketed away from it. Straight into me, almost catching my foot under his hoof. Naturally the barn manager came over to check on me, but I kind of felt annoyed. I was able to circle him back and get him to walk calmly by the pallette without running me over, and I wasn't too upset about it happening. Yet if I hadn't have been right by his neck, the whole thing could have been avoided. 

Naturally there's pros and cons to both leading styles. Any disrespectful horse being 'drug' could very well run you over and you wouldn't even see it coming. Yet the same is true for the showmanship way. I intend to keep practicing both styles and see which one works better for me, but right now, 'cowboys' have it in the bag. Haha.

The rest of the day at the center was routine. Afer turn out, I went and watched Beth for a bit. Then I was enlisted to clean all of the waterers and resweep the aisles after the rest of the barn team left because they didn't do a satisfactory job. I also stuck around and helped a couple instructors set up their arenas before taking off. It ended up being a pretty good day.


In terma of Larry, he didn't give me a lesson this week. Likely because I got two last week, but I've been told a few times now to be cautious with him. The fact that my second lesson was me, by myself with no instruction at all, is counted as a lesson has a few people worried about the quality of education he will provide. He's already proven himself unorthodox, though, and having lunged alone did actually give me a confidence boost. So I'm not sure what to think. I'm already kind of on edge with Anne until further notice, anyway, and don't want to consider having to be on edge with him too! But I did earn my fifth lesson from him this week and nothing too interesting happened there. I actually spent much of the day alone with no sign of anyone outside of that evil witch of a boarder from a couple weeks ago. If you're wondering, she's still just as judgmental and self-important, and is passing those traits onto her daughter, who scoffed when she was told I work for my lessons. Bleh.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Beth and I had a very interesting discussion about slaughter. I've always been opposed to it, but she's for it. Beth is of the opinion that if it were cleaned up, staff members taught to properly euthanize via bolt gun and regulations put in it would serve its purpose better. She explained that she finds it to be a necessary evil in the world. The simple fact of the matter is that there are more horses (like many other creatures)'out there than responsible homes for them, which I couldn't deny. I was curious about regulations she'd impose.

She would ban pregnant or nursing mares from being shipped. She would ban the extremely youthful, so from 6mos to 5yrs. She would ban conformationally sound horses. Horses well trained and behaved. She would allow, however, dangerously behaved horses. Horses of poor, work inhibiting conformation. Stallions. Ancient horses, between 20 - 30, starvation cases and horses that had nowhere else to go amongst other things. She would clean up shippers by regulating and mandating what kinds of trailers in what kinds of conditions and enforcing random check-points, turning back shippers against regulation and confiscating the horses. The slaughter properties would be rennovated to make slightly more humane, including sedation of any horses that qualified for it to try and ease their process. There was a lot more she'd do, but these aere what stuck with me the most.

It was interesting to hear, to say the least. Beth is a woman who adores horses and treats them with such dignity and respect, and I couldn't believe her position in the whole thing. I told her it was like playing god, which she didn't disagree with. "If it has to be done, then it should at least be done the best way possible." Which makes sense, I suppose. I'm not exactly swayed in my opinion of being against it, but I can definitely see her opinion and I understand that slaughter isn't going to go away. 


Anyway, in other news, I was invited this weekend to attend an Equine First Aid certification clinic! I went and learned so much stuff and now have a certification for a few years in equine first aid. I might not be the first to stop at an accident, I'm not nearly that confident in the skills I learned yesterday, but I at least know some basic wound care and have skills to practice and things to study at home in my free time. If I ever do get a horse, I at least won't be clueless. If there's an injury at Larry's or the center, I'll be able to identify it and the type much easier, and actually able to assist if needed, which is cool. 

After the clinic Beth and I went out to Larry's so she could work Loco. She picked up where she left off with the pool noodles, and she wasn't kidding about how much he would improve! He was much, much less reactive to them touching him or flapping around his body. Then she gave them to me and told me to walk a pretty good circle around him, flapping the noodles in random places and hitting the ground with them. He was jumpy, but not panicked. We spent a while with the noodles, ending by tossing them out of the arena. She then moved onto some crutches she had. She introduced them by smell and touch before dropping it a few times to introduce him to the sound they make. He handled it like a champ, and then I was told to hobble around on them and let him see someone walking with them. 

He definitely kept his eye on me. He wasn't keen on the hobbling monster being behind him, and I was very glad to have made a huge circle around him when he shot his legs out to kick at me. Beth wasted no time giving Loco a 'come to Jesus' lesson. She moved so quickly that if you blinked, you missed it and I was being told to continue on my circle. He did stand much better and after a lap both ways, we were both thanked for our work. She had me set the crutches down in the center of the arena and turned him loose. The first thing Loco did was go and investigate the crutches, approaching them with massive snorts and just a little bit of a white eye. He kept his calm, though, and after deciding they weren't so bad, went off to roll his fresh lesson away. Both of us laughed. "He's such a good boy and he tries so hard."

Larry appeared out of nowhere and gave us both a pat on the back. "You should be proud, Beth."
"I am."

The conversation quickly turned to our new certifications and Larry, in regards to mine, only gave me his strange look and said 'imteresting' again. I still haven't figured out that look or why he only says interesting to me. Maybe it's because I had no place in that class, after all. Who knows. 

I do know one thing though. It's been only a few months since starting this new path in life, and only a few weeks since deciding it should be documented, but I feel... Different. Changed. A few months ago, I would have hidden from the clinic, thinking 'I'm too stupid for that.' Or, 'I can't do that, I don't even have a horse.' Or 'there's no point, I'm not around horses enough to need that.' But when Beth invited me, I accepted after only enough time to make sure I was off work. The cool thing is that 'I can't" didn't even cross my mind. For a whole day, I didn't doubt myself. And in the clinic, while a fair bit of stuff was harder to grasp for me than everyone else in the room, I wasn't completely lost and had at least an idea of what was being talked about, which means a lot, given where I come from in the horse world.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Sometimes, the most beautiful moments with horses aren't in the saddle or handling them. They're in the simple act of being with them. Everyone knows what I'm talking about. Every once in a while, you find yourself just... Existing, I guess. In the same moment as a 1000lb animal. For a split second, it stops being about behavior and rules and man vs nature and you and a horse can just be. Just for a moment...

These little moments, for me at least, have always meant more than time in the saddle or handling them or, more recently, trying to train them. They're why I love horses so much, or a big part of it at least. Today is my only day off and I was forced to choose between the center or Larry's. I went with the center since Larry said he had enough staff for today. I got out there early, about 7:30. The gates were open so I went ahead and got started. It was so quiet. Just horses shuffling, birds and traffic that was muffled enough to sound more like ocean waves than cars. There was no one around and it was so calm, there wasn't even a need to move anyone around since most of them were standing out of the muck and most in their runs.

At eight things picked up as usual and the wonderful quiet was shattered with the start of a tractor engine and a few volunteer horse leaders chatting while they came to get their lesson horses ready to go. I had finished a lot of stalls by ten when turn out happened and the barn manager asked that I clean all of the waterers and leave the rest of the mucking to the other volunteers. No biggy, just a sloppy, time consuming job. I was in a stall with an appaloosa gelding who was waiting for his handler when my first little moment happened. I had my eye on him as I crouched to drain the water. He was so mellow and sleepy, casually watching me, too. I scrubbed his bucket and that was when he decided to come investigate. For just a moment, the senior old gelding and I were jist watching the automatic waterer fill. I drained it one more time (rinse/drain) and once it was plugged back in, Jasper blew on my ear, gave me the *gentlest* nudge on the shoulder, and took a long drink of his fresh water. I gave him a scratch and moved on.

After the waters were done, I found and watched Beth lunging Rootbeer. Neither of us were in much of a chatting mood, but the silence was comfortable. Usually, I stick around and help wherever I'm needed, but today I wanted to go out to the pasture and watch the horses graze. Out there, I found The Chestnut standing by the fence. I said my hellos and expected him to leave after, but he stayed there with me. For just the longest time, he blew on my hair and let me scratch his forehead, sniffed my water bottle and generally just existed with me. It was so calming, and peaceful, and probably went on for ten minutes before he decided to take his leave. I watched them graze for a few minutes more before deciding it was time to go back. I ended up helping all of the instructors set up their arenas, then I helped new volunteers find and get horses ready before going home. 

It's been a good day.


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

I'm really starting to dislike youth sports and high schoolers being as pressured as they are to participate. Not because the sports themselves are inherintly bad or anything, but because not enough attention is paid to injuries sustained and proper injury recovery. A youth sports star at the top of his or her game sustains an injury, and instead of being told to step down and allow the body time to properly heal, a lot of coaches, teachers and parents are pushing the kid to get right back at it. 'Walk it off,' they'll say. If you aren't knocked unconscious or sent to the hospital, injuries like rolled ankles and even mild sprains can and have been overlooked for the sake of a game or practice.

It really makes my blood boil.

Injuries, no matter how 'unimportant', need to be handled more appropriately. Not just in youth sports, but everywhere. A lot of people get hurt or have a surgery and immediately try to go back to what they were doing prior. You hear every sort of excuse. "I'm fine," or "no one will do it if I don't" or my favorite, "it's really not that big a deal!" 

But it really kind of is.

We are born into one body. That's it. No take backs, redos, do overs. We can replace what's broken but the integrity of the body is gone. Hips, knees, shoulders are never 100% after surgery. If you hurt your ankle and never let it heal properly, it's never going to be 100% again. For adults who are solely responsible for themselves and have lived long enough, if they want to possibly cause a permanent injury. Let them. But youth are directly influenced by teachers, parents and peers. They won't choose better because they don't know better. 

Why this bothers me is simple. I have five friends at work who are all under 18 that suffer from chronic pain in knees, ankles, and the shoulder of one, from injuries they sustained playing sports with school. Chronic. Pain. Pain that isn't going to go away until they have surgeries, for the rest of their lives. All between 15 and 17. I asked them if they let the injuries heal properly and none of them did. A couple got all the way to PT, but decided that PT was a waste of their time when it didn't make them better after thr first two weeks. The boy with the ankles was told he was a wuss for not playing. "It's only a rolled ankle, you big wuss." The other girl just walked it off and dealt with it, assuming it would go away. These kids go to different schools. They play on different teams. Different coaches, team mates. Yet there's a common factor with their injuries: no proper steps taken. And now they all have bad appendages and joints for the rest of their lives that they get to deal with. Yay!

Something needs to be done to stop this. Maybe scholarships and sports shouldn't coincide, or if they do, it only counts for an accumulated high school performance with injury healing time overlooked. Maybe coaches should mandate healing time and refuse to allow their kids to play until a physical can be passed without any signs of pain. Maybe 'manly men' shouldn't berate their sons for expressing discomfort and trying to find relief. 

It would take a while and some doing. But still, something should happen. 


I like horses and love riding them. I got hurt once and had to quit. I acted for weeks beforehand that I was perfectly fine and it only hurt a little and all sorts of things, because as far as I knew I would *just die* if I couldn't be in the saddle. There's a lot of kids and people like that. My parents never took me to a doctor for my injury because they overlooked it. It wasn't until the morning I couldn't stand up because of my knees that I was made to quit. They still did 't take me in, but that's a different story. The point is that even a small injury untreated can ruin a good athlete!


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## TwoTap (Sep 14, 2016)

Yesterday, instead of the center I went to Larry's. The weather was crappy, drizzly and cold all day, and this week is a mirror of last week: one day off and a choice to be made. I didn't really want to deal with the cold rain, but I also didn't want to lose out on horse time! 

I'm proud to say I've devised a system of cleaning Larry's expansive property by myself that gets the job wrapped up in between 7 hrs and 50 and 8hrs exactly! In my journal I've kind of obsessed over my cleaning times at both properties, but these numbers hold value and mark the pride I take in my work. At both places I've been complimented on the quality of work put out per hour put in, not to mention I'm not paid (at the facility) and it's only a labor exchange (at Larry's). I actually had to explain to Larry yesterday that I work his job like I would if I were a paid employee because any job worth doing is worth doing well, and I don't want him to regret extending his offer, especially given how young I am.

Anyway, cleaning was sloppy and miserable. Having to scrub all of his waterers when the sky was sobbing, and drag that dang wheelbarrow back and forth over the property made for a pretty grueling job. Thankfully I had had the good sense to bring a change of clothes, otherwise there would have been no reprieve! But I did my job and I did it well, and he excused me from doing his group pens since they were boggy messes, anyway! I was just sweeping the aisles when he came in leading Beth's horse, Loco, and informed me I'd be lessoning with him because Beth was out of town and she had okayed it! 

We brought Loco to the round pen and he gave me the lead and let me bring him in. He told me to start with a free lunge, so I took his halter off, picked a direction and asked him to move. The difference between Loco and Lightning is palpable! Where Lightning runs off with me whenever I ask something of him, Loco is laid back and seems to wait for the 'obvious ask' as Larry put it. He chuckled, "Lunging a horse like him makes anyone look like a seasoned pro!" As I lunged, he asked what my opinions and observations of Loco were. So I told him.

Loco seems a lot less sensitive than Lightning and more in tune with the handler. He also seems to... Question? I guess. When I asked for a transition, he turned his head toward me and gave me a look before obliging. It didn't feel disrespectful since he did what I asked, but it was like he was looking for clarification or something. Larry laughed and told me very good. The biggest difference between Lightning and Loco is that one is currently in training while the other is an old timer. He's been there, done that, knows right from wrong and knows exactly how to read his handlers. Loco, who is just learning and is obviously is a horse who wants to be good, won't necessarily act up like Lightning quite yet.

After a few moments, I brought Loco down and Larry entered the arena with the halter. He caught Loco and I did my first ever back up, disengage and move the shoulder activites after Larry showed me the ropes,mliterally! Haha. I'm not kidding when I say these things look deceptively easy when done by someone competent. There are so many *small* components to the actions. Everything, from 'quit turning your torso to the left!" To 'keep your hand between his eye and yours!' And moving the shoulder is strange. Walking into the horse when he's not yielding because you're not asserting yourself and intention properly is straight up awkward. And disengaging the hind end while he's moving forward is soo hard! There's so much timing in addition to everything else. Larry kept yelling at me to stop thinking so hard, but it's kind of hard not to when you're learning so much at once. We spent most of the lesson practicing backing up, moving the shoulder and walking with them, and then disengaging the hind for a direction change. Larry did say he was impressed and happy with how quickly I caught on, which was quite the compliment! 

After I moved Loco's feet, Lary hopped on (bareback, in a halter!) and demonstrated how these movements work when you're on their back and why they're important. That was the end of the lesson. 

After the lesson, I feel I came away with a better understanding of my body placement compared to theirs and how that can muddle communication between us, and I think I know why none of those horses would even think about leaving their stalls all that time ago! I also decided to try practicing some of the motions Larry uses to disengage them, move their shoulders, transfer the lead rope and stick. That way next time, I don't have to focus so hard on what he's asking me to do! Plus, if I can get a feel for it, it should be easier to do while walking in a circle with a horse! Lol I can't wait til next Tues when I can try moving horses around their stalls at the center and see if some of my hunches are correct!

Now to find a substitution for a stick and a lead rope at home...


*MOD NOTE
This journal has been closed due to prolonged lack of participation by the author. Journals that have no active participation by the author for a period of time greater than 18 months will be considered abandoned and will be closed until the author asks for them to be reopened. *


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