# barn drama, need help?



## myhorselovesjumping (Jul 5, 2014)

I need help with something that has been on my mind for a while.
I posted something one year ago about barn drama at the barn I was at, and in the post I shared everything that was happening and that I was going to move barns.
Well, I did move barns, and it was great.
I felt free of drama, and I felt no harm.
But then, my friend decided to follow me to the barn. We are both neighbors, so we started car-pooling and riding together. It was amazing! I loved it. 
I lease 2 horses, (the horses are brother and sister), and I really enjoyed them.
I have been training in Hunter jumpers, and I had a great coach.
Until one day, I arrived at the barn and both of the horses had developed a lung infection. 
Our barn manager, assuming it was the dust, decided to move the horses to a different barn. We all moved, and I have to admit, the new barn was nice. It had a beautiful ring, access to a lot of trails, and huge paddocks! I was really excited.
The owner of the horses said I could keep riding them, I just need to be cautious of their breathing. So I decided to take them out. Little did I know, what the lung infection did. They both could barely trot without coughing their lungs up. the owner got worried and told me to hop off of them and not ride them for a while.
I respectively got off of them and let them be. 
But my friend ( I mentioned earlier, let's call her A...) had been advancing more and more. I was happy for her! She and her horse were getting really far! I was sort of jealous she could ride and I couldn't, but I understood the horses I was leading needed to get better. 

Weeks later, the owner decided she was going to go on a canoeing trip, and she asked me to go down everyday for her, and do the tasks for her horses. I agreed, and wished her good luck on the canoeing trip. I proceeded to go down everyday and do the tasks needed. My friend came with me every day too. And everyday I would watch her ride and improve, ride and improve. 
I was so happy for her! She was doing AMAZING. We were both getting closer and closer, and I remembered all our memories.
But I remembered how I wasn't able to ride, but I wished for the lease horses to get better. 
Soon enough, the barn manager and the other riders there notice my friend riding and invite her to a show with them. My friend began texting them, talking with them, going riding with them, and they barely even tried to talk to me. 
I felt sort of left out, but I still enjoyed watching my friend go to shows. 
The owner of the lease horses didn't return for a while, and she texted me and told me she'll be gone another 2 weeks. I was a bit shocked but agreed to do her chores for her again. 
My friend was becoming very good friends with the other riders, and all the adults at the barn. Our conversations went from talking about horses to talking about all the great experiences she is having with her friends. My friend always jumped at a chance to brag about it, and always was eager to watch me get sad about it. 
I began to get so angry I told her that I understood she is having fun and I'm happy for her, but I didn't want to hear about it all the time. 
Over time, with constantly doing the chores, watching my friend and I grow further apart, not being able to ride, people beginning to speak about me behind my back, I went sour. I began making horrible choices and becoming ruder to my friend. I was HORRIBLE. I would insult her, I would tell her I didn't care, and everytime I looked at my lease horses, I lost a bit of love for them. 
I had lost control. I began to make up lies, I began to lose my way in life. 
And then it happened.

I had been offered a lesson by a person at out barn, and she wanted me to ride her horse. I was estatic, I couldn't believe she was letting me ride her horse! And I couldn't believe she was letting me do a lesson too! But then, I got a text from the owner of the lease horses.
She texted me, and told me I could ride the horses again. 
But somehow I didn't feel excited about it. I wanted to ride the other horse! So I texted the person at our barn and said "Yes, I'd be happy to ride your horse in the lesson." 
Later, in the evening, I was tacking up for my lesson. The person who was giving the lesson came up to me and said 
"So, the owner of the horse's you are leading won't let you take a lesson on them?"
I said;
"No, she didn't let me, cause she said that she thinks her horses will couch or something."
After saying that, the comment I made spread like wildfire at our barn. People always came up to me and said "Sorry that your aren't aloud to ride the horses you lease." 
Little did I know, the comment would make it back to the owner of the horses.
And she was returning from her canoeing trip the next day. 

I was mortified.

The next day, I met up with the owner of the horses I lease. The conversation had an uncomfortable vibe to it, and I knew it wasn't going well. Eventually she brought up the fact that I lied about not being able to ride her horses in the lesson. 
I felt horrible.
But all I could say was "sorry."
Eventually people found out I lied, my friend wouldn't speak to me, the person who let me ride her horse and gave me a lesson wouldn't talk to me, and everybody was generally angry with me. I felt bad, but it was my fault over all. The owner of the horses I lease eventually told me some news.
She was moving back to the old barn, but she didn't want me there with her.
I understood her point, but I was shocked. 
Where could I go? My parents said if my lease ends there will not be another one.
And I can't stay at this barn! Everyone is upset with me, but this barn is only 5 minutes away from me. There is no other barns closer to me! I ruined everything, and I can't change that. I honestly don't know other solution then to stop riding overall. I feel horrible. I feel terrible about what I did, I feel irresponsible. 
I want to change things, but I let jealously overcome me. 
Any advice? I need help on what to do. I just need to find a way to restart everything.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

You can stay at this barn. 

Do things differently going forward. People will eventually forget, or at least it won't be so fresh in their minds. 

It will be uncomfortable, but that's not impossible. Focus on the riding. Don't try to shmooze the others too hard or they may/will take advantage of that and may be mean. 

I'm not even sure what you think you "lied" about? The horses were coughing the owner said to not ride. Sure it's better to keep your business private, but I don't see that you said anything horrid. I might have missed something, though.

Best wishes.


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## Krisarts (Jul 30, 2015)

There are two things I understand in the horse world:

Honesty is mandatory. Once trust is shattered in either the student/instructor/owner/barn manager or a combination of those it takes a while to build that trust back.

Your reputation is everything. Everything in the horse world has business attached to it. Hunter Jumpers, I believe, has a business mentality at the helm of the industry.


Having said that, there are a few things I don't understand:

In this case, the punishment seems (weird) and far more severe than the crime. Conversations could have gone much better in all directions, but as a kid (I'm guessing you are a kid) you're not going to have the foresight to deal with compounded stress like an adult and yes, there will be mistakes made. (( Unless, of course, everyone was aware of what was going on before, like becoming rude to your friend, lashing out etc Then I can see that the ride was an offer to see how you truly act and what was being made up.))

I also don't understand why the person you lease the horses from would return to a barn that supposedly caused the horses' illnesses. Putting the horses at risk again is just...an odd decision.

The clearest thing I see here is a lack of communication all around.

I think trying to have a clear conversation with all adults involved may make a difference. Offer mucking services, or offer to help out around the barn for free to begin building trust again. 

It can't be helped if the leaser decides she truly doesn't want you to ride her horses. However, there are ways to talk to other trainers, other owners, other people in the industry who may be willing, granted you work hard, to give you a shot at riding.

:cowboy:


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with riding another horse in a lesson, especially if the lease horses were newly recovered a lesson could have been too much for them.

All the other stuff are life lessons learned.
Maybe if you apologize & admit why you said & did things you'll be forgiven...maybe. Otherwise, move on.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Boots--OP lied about being able to use her leased horses in that lesson: the owner had given her permission after someone had offered to let her ride their horse.

Ultimately, I think this boils down to what you are comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable/happy at this barn, then bite the bullet and move somewhere a bit further away.

I am a little confused about the stipulations of your lease, though. 'Lease' usually implies some exchange of money, either to the owner or simply to the BO (in the case of a 'free lease'). Were you paying all this time for horses that were sick/you couldn't ride? That seems like poor business on the owner's part.
Does this barn have lessons horses you can use?


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## verona1016 (Jul 3, 2011)

As others said, it's a bit uncomfortable now, but you can still stay there if you're willing to apologize and move forward. My guess is that the lie about why you weren't riding one of your lease horses in the lesson is not what people care about, but perhaps your behavior leading up to it and how you handled it when it came to light.

I'd start by having a heart-to-heart with the friend you were carpooling with. Explain to her why you were so mean and that you know it was wrong and how sorry you are. If she's willing to forgive you, then pay your dues by hanging out at the barn with her (and the rest of the people there) even if you don't have a horse to ride. If your parents aren't willing to do another lease, it may be a while before you get another offer to ride someone's horse again and you need to be OK with that. If it's not something you think you can handle, you should probably just walk away from the whole situation.


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## Gossalyn (Sep 12, 2013)

This all seems quite minor to me... If it were me, and the owner asked me to ride the horses - i would, and then i would go take a lesson on the new horse. 

And I would feel totally justified in explaining that for the lesson, I didn't want to take the leased horses who had been off for a while, into a higher-work situation like a lesson for their first ride back. I mean, it's my understanding the owner didn't even see these horses.. so best to ride them w/ caution the first time out.. start at the walk for a while etc. I mean, probably best to be up-front as possible about that plan, but that makes sense to me.

I too am curious if this is a paid lease.. or if you have other obligations to the owner.

But overall... It seems to me that this sort of thing can be overcome by keeping your head down, being apologetic and humble and waiting for it to pass. People have done way worse, and if you convince the owner you are sorry she should come around.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Given the reactions of your barn friends I'd guess that there are a few factors that you haven't told us, or haven't actually quite realised when reflecting on the situation.

If you want to make things work again you are going to have to face up to your behaviour and actually recognise what it is. Then start working to change it.

I'd start with patching up things with your friend, and then going from there.


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