# Trust issues with my boss: How would you handle this from here on in?



## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

So today I was at my boss'es home for a quick meeting to go over things for the next two weeks and what he would like for me to do. Now, there are other issues that I have with him (mainly him as a person in general), but I won't get into it right now. I am coming up with a personal plan on how to deal with it and how to work for him to avoid ****ing him off. I'm not going to lie and say it isn't bothering me, but lets save that for another time (I don't want to pull you into my drama).

Anyways, every now and then I will go to his place to go over stuff and 2 weeks ago when I went, I was eating my lunch (sushi) before going to his place. I had leftovers and it was hot that day so I didn't want to leave it in my car. I have the key to his house (he gave it to me almost a year ago, when I used to house sit for him when he would be on vac), so he was obviously fine with me entering his house when needed and when I would go over for meetings, (I asked) and he said just come on in, no need to ring the door bell or text him before I go in. So I've been doing this.

Well 2 weeks ago, on the day I had leftover sushi, I didn't want to leave it in the car cause it would spoil so I brought it into his place and put it in his fridge with the intention of grabbing it before I leave. Well I made the mistake in not checking with him first (I didn't think it would be a big deal seeing how he's gotten me to house sit for him last summer), and now I know I should have asked him first. Unfortunately I forgot to take the sushi with me when I left that day. Well, today he asked for the spare house key back because he said he feels more comfortable. Here is how the conversation went.

Him: "Now you have my spare house key correct?"
Me: "Yes I do"
Him: "I'm going to have to ask for it back"
Him: "I just feel more comfortable"
Me: "Okay"
Him: "Stuff's just been missing from the fridge after the long weekend"
Me: "Oh, well I don't go through people's fridges".
Him: "You were the only one here on Friday to pick up your cheque"..."The sushi?" (all said with an angry face...[FYI he's got a bad temper])
Me: "Sorry, that was my fault, I put it in there the day before when I came for our meeting"
Him: "Why would you put sushi in the fridge?"
Me: "It was leftovers for lunch and I didn't want it to spoil in the car"...."I was going to take it before I left but I forgot".

So I hand him back the key. 

Now what do you think? Going by how our convo went, was he flat out accusing me of the stuff that's been missing from his fridge over the long weekend?

Honestly I didn't think me putting my sushi in his fridge would have been an issue, if I had known I would have forsure asked him first. Especially seeing how all the time when I would be over, he would just tell me to help myself to water or a drink or what not.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

Hoofpic said:


> Now what do you think? Going by how our convo went, was he flat out accusing me of the stuff that's been missing from his fridge over the long weekend?


Well you DID go into his house when he was not expecting you to be in his house. 

Based on the story, I have to side with your boss on this one. Yes, you may have a house key but it is for the PURPOSE of house sitting on arranged occasions, or meetings on specific dates/times .... not waltzing into his house whenever you please. 

I don't mean that to be harsh, but that's how I interpret it. If I were your boss, I'd ask for the house key back too.

Is it that big of a deal that you put some sushi in his fridge? Of course not. But it bothered him, and it's his house.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

He should not have left the key with you all this time. you should have (and maybe did, for all I know) remind him that you need to get it back to him.

You should have called and asked if you could go into his house that day (and maybe you did?).

He should not have sort of 'accused' you of theft. When you return the key, I would say something like, "I hope you understand that while I was mistaken in assuming it was ok to go into the house, based on my having open access prior, I would never, ever steal anything from another person's refridgerator or house. Never."

He could then, if he is an honorable person, offer some kind of apology. If not, you have kept your own side of the street clean, and that is your only responsibility.


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## cbar (Nov 27, 2015)

I wouldn't feel insulted. He may have forgotten that you had his house key - I wouldn't be comfortable knowing someone had a spare key to my house either. 

Granted, he could have handled the situation a little more tactfully, but it's his house and he has every right to ask for his key back. 

I'm funny about people being in my personal space, so that's just my opinion.


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## Dehda01 (Jul 25, 2013)

I would not have gone into a person's house without asking their permission. I would not have put my things in a person's fridge without asking "hey, I have my lunch, and don't want to leave it in car cuz it will go bad... would you mind...?" 

I understand him being upset. I would have been upset too!!! It is very easy to ask permission or give a heads up.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

beau159 said:


> Well you DID go into his house when he was not expecting you to be in his house.
> 
> Based on the story, I have to side with your boss on this one. Yes, you may have a house key but it is for the PURPOSE of house sitting on arranged occasions, or meetings on specific dates/times .... not waltzing into his house whenever you please.
> 
> ...


The day I put my leftover sushi in his fridge (for what was originally planned to be 2 hours at most), I was actually there that day to go over things with him so he was expecting me. He was expecting me at a certain time and I was there. 

I used to always knock and ring the door bell before going in but over time he just said to come on in when I am expected to show up. I would never EVER EVER EVER show up and go into someone's home without them expecting me there. Seriously, I got better things to do with my time (like uhh be at the barn).


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> He should not have left the key with you all this time. you should have (and maybe did, for all I know) remind him that you need to get it back to him.
> 
> You should have called and asked if you could go into his house that day (and maybe you did?).
> 
> ...


In the summer, literally after the first time of him handing me his spare key and me using it on one occasion, I actually went up to him and gave him his key back but he said to keep it because I will eventually need to be in his house and at times when he may not be there. 

He's too much of a hyprocrite to approach it calmy, trust me. That's why I said that I would never go into other people's fridges. Like seriously...I'm just being honest.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

I think that the boss was a little overboard in mentioning that items were missing from the fridge - but asking for his key back was OK.

My thoughts are this- fridges like closets can tell a lot about a person. Maybe he thought there may have been something in there that you or someone you know would not be OK with. I don't know what it could be but just say there was a lot of alcohol or something. By going into his fridge unannounced you invaded his privacy. It may have had a different outcome if you had gone to him and said "hey - I was just eating my lunch and want to save the left overs - could you please refridgerate them for me. he could have put them in the fridge himself and then helped you to remember to take them when you left.

I think there was a small subtle line crossed here - but agree it could have been handled differently.

For what it is worth - I do not go into my family members fridges without asking them first - just seems like a courtesy


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

carshon said:


> I think that the boss was a little overboard in mentioning that items were missing from the fridge - but asking for his key back was OK.
> 
> My thoughts are this- fridges like closets can tell a lot about a person. Maybe he thought there may have been something in there that you or someone you know would not be OK with. I don't know what it could be but just say there was a lot of alcohol or something. By going into his fridge unannounced you invaded his privacy. It may have had a different outcome if you had gone to him and said "hey - I was just eating my lunch and want to save the left overs - could you please refridgerate them for me. he could have put them in the fridge himself and then helped you to remember to take them when you left.
> 
> ...


I agree, I made a mistake, I learned from it and will adjust for the future accordingly, but I'm a little stressed out and really on edge right now. Could he have handled/approached it differently? Yes. But how he did, by pretty much (80%) accusing me of being a thief is not a surprise. It's not so much what he said, but how he said it. I was rather insulted to be honest because my trust is what others know me by, but I stayed calm (like always) and shook it off. 

I was totally taken by surprise, if there is one thing that I never do, that's steal from others. I am known by others as a highly trusted of a person as you can be. Now I feel the trust between my boss and I has been broken. 

Is he now going to question me when I handle $15,000 worth of the company's camera gear? 

Is he going to question me seeing how all this gear is stored at my house? (by his request)?

I will be going to a walk-in counselling centre later today. I really need to vent and come up with my plan from here on in because I feel today was a huge red flag on just so many levels (not just the fridge situation). I'm just so rattled right now that I'm not thinking straight and I need to get my head back up and thinking positively again before the weekend is over.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I can understand how rattling that might be. It would be very upsetting to be insinuated as being a thief. Like you, I feel strongly about never stealing anything. 
when I was a teen , I was accused of shoplifting a pair of down gloves. the store manager brought me back to the managers office and I had to call my mom and have her explain that she had bought me the gloves , from THAT store, just days before. very humiliating.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I can understand how rattling that might be. It would be very upsetting to be insinuated as being a thief. Like you, I feel strongly about never stealing anything.
> when I was a teen , I was accused of shoplifting a pair of down gloves. the store manager brought me back to the managers office and I had to call my mom and have her explain that she had bought me the gloves , from THAT store, just days before. very humiliating.


He could have said it much differently, but the fact that he knew I had to stop by his home on the Friday before the long weekend to grab my cheque (him and his gf were gone to the mountains), doesn't mean I am 100% guilty. But his stupid remark of "well, you were the only one here on Friday"....and like I said, the way he said it just made it that much worse and obvious that he was accusing me of being a thief. 

Whatever dude.

I made a mistake that I regret. I learned from it and will adjust accordingly from now on. And this is just minor really, I will be making a lot of adjustments as of today to accommodate to his and I's working relationship. 

For some reason, this is like flashbacks all over again from that nightmare job and jerk of a boss from Feb of 2016. Remember that 2 week stint that I ended up leaving within 2 weeks? Best decision ever btw. Not saying my boss now is as bad as that previous one, but I sure see similarities between them two and its very scary. But god, I feel like I'm not revisiting those same footsteps.

I am terrified. Thank god that one of my best qualities is my calmness and self composure. I may bend at times but will not break.


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## Dehda01 (Jul 25, 2013)

Apologize and say to him you should have handled it better.


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

You say the guy allegedly has anger issues, and basically just called him an jerk on a public board because he was justifiably miffed about you treating his property like your own. 


The internet isn't as anonymous as you seem to think, and you've certainly laid down enough breadcrumbs as clues. If I were your boss and you were whining about me on a public forum, you wouldn't have to worry about quitting.


_You're_ the one creating the drama. If you want it to stop, then you need to stop acting as if everything is so horrible and traumatic. You've taken some random inconsequential discussion, blown it all out of proportion, and made it all about you.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

wasn't the discussion he had with his boss ABOUT him? about the key, the fridge, and all, but with reference to him.

I will agree that internet anonymity is not to be trusted.


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

Boss could have handled it differently. And you could have handled it differently as well. You sure seem to run into a lot of awful people.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

Speed Racer said:


> You say the guy allegedly has anger issues, and basically just called him a jerk on a public board because he was justifiably miffed about you treating his property like your own.


I didn't call him a jerk, I was referring to a guy prior last year. Now that guy was a serious jerk. 




> The internet isn't as anonymous as you seem to think, and you've certainly laid down enough breadcrumbs as clues. If I were your boss and you were whining about me on a public forum, you wouldn't have to worry about quitting.
> 
> That's why I said I won't get too much into it.
> 
> _You're_ the one creating the drama. If you want it to stop, then you need to stop acting as if everything is so horrible and traumatic. You've taken some random inconsequential discussion, blown it all out of proportion, and made it all about you.


I'm not creating any drama. I'm just coming up with a game plan from here on in on how I will adjust the way I work and communicate with his temperment (and I am pretty much set with a plan already made up). The most important thing is that I need to keep my door open starting today.

The guy is a nice guy, sometimes, and heck sometimes even really nice where him and I chat about this and that as if it's nothing, but he's got some serious concerns and one is that he's got a temper and two he often talks to me in a very condescending tone of voice. He definitely has similarities to that jerk from last year.

This wasn't just an overnight thing that I've picked up on him overnight, but over the year. 

The good news is that I've worked for a far meaner boss than him. Mind you, that was the worst person that I've ever worked for but it's given me very valuable experience moving forward for the next scenario. VERY VALUABLE EXPERIENCE.


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## seabiscuit91 (Mar 30, 2017)

At the end of the day, he's your boss. If you value your job/the relationship getting back on track I'd admit and take all the fault, apologize again then leave it alone and get on with things as best or normal as you can and I'm sure it will all fade away.

As you said you made a mistake, I don't think him being on edge or making comments is any fault on him, I think we'd all feel a bit taken a back if something similar had happened as the line is crossed between boss/employee. Letting yourself inside is vastly different, it's great you obviously have a good comfortable relationship, but just don't lose site that he's your employer first, friend second and there has to be boundaries. 

Good luck! You can definitely come back from it though, just fake normal until it feels normal!


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

seabiscuit91 said:


> At the end of the day, he's your boss. If you value your job/the relationship getting back on track I'd admit and take all the fault, apologize again then leave it alone and get on with things as best or normal as you can and I'm sure it will all fade away.


Im not apologizing to him for anything and I will tell you why, because of him as a person. Hes nice to me one day and a total ********* the next. He talks to me like a piece of garbage and definitely does not talk to me like he does with the rest of the gang (he makes it so obvious too). He tries to make a mockery of me around the rest of the gang. Im not one to take that BS when around others. Im not going to let him embarass me and mock me like Im some idiot.

So my best and (unfortunately), only option? KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT with him. If he wants to talk about stuff outside of work, GREAT, I am all for it. This is where he is a nice guy.

But anything work related and for now on I really need to think twice, three times, even four times before saying something to him. Anything to him. 

Avoid asking him any questions whenever possible.

If I need to beat around the bush and take 15 more steps to find a more clear answer, just simply to avoid asking him and having him flip out, then I must do it. EVERY SINGLE TIME. NO EXCEPTIONS.

I've even slowly started doing this over the past 6 months. I would reconsider, rethink, before saying stuff to him because I question if I am going to get a negative reaction from him. Well after today, I need to really take things to the next level and really limit what I say to him. 

Its not my ideal way in workong for someone, but like I said I need to adapt and Im best off when I keep my mouth shut. Only say what I need to say and nothing more. Not even a single word. And its unfortunate because I can be a very talkactive person and this is where I tend to show my sense of humour and my personality shines through. I can safely say that my personality will never show through when communicating with him. 



> As you said you made a mistake, I don't think him being on edge or making comments is any fault on him, I think we'd all feel a bit taken a back if something similar had happened as the line is crossed between boss/employee. Letting yourself inside is vastly different, it's great you obviously have a good comfortable relationship, but just don't lose site that he's your employer first, friend second and there has to be boundaries.


I can confidentally say that he will NEVER be my friend. EVER. 

I get him results and thats it.



> Good luck! You can definitely come back from it though, just fake normal until it feels normal!


This is what Ive been doing, faking it. Now I just need to know my limits and boundaries as far as what I can say to him and how much of my personality I share with him. Right now? Its zero.

Do the job and thats it. Only speak to him when absolutely necessary and only speak whats required, not even a single word more. If he initiates conversation, then great I will talk, but I really need to watch what I say. Talk to him with a bunch of fillers "how are you....how was your weekend blah blah blah", nothing more.

But never EVER initiate conversation with him and especially when with the rest of the gang.


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## seabiscuit91 (Mar 30, 2017)

Okay.. Just giving some advice/perspective which is what you asked for. 

But you seem to have a handle/made up your mind. Perhaps looking for a job on the side wouldn't be the worst idea if it is as bad as you say. No point staying in such a negative environment if you can potentially find something else. Seems depressing to have to actively hide your personality whenever around him.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

seabiscuit91 said:


> Okay.. Just giving some advice/perspective which is what you asked for.
> 
> But you seem to have a handle/made up your mind. Perhaps looking for a job on the side wouldn't be the worst idea if it is as bad as you say. No point staying in such a negative environment if you can potentially find something else. Seems depressing to have to actively hide your personality whenever around him.


I appreciate your tips, I really do. 

I've made up my mind (in terms of my plan) because after today I knew that I had to come up with a plan right away, there is no time to sit on it.

Like I said, I've worked for people like him before (like just so eery similar), that I'm taking what I've learned from those experiences and applying to this one. Because (even though there are so many red flags), like my sister told me years ago, a good worker is one who can handle conflict and adapt to working for different personalities even if it's ones that you dispise. This is what essentially makes you a better person in the long run, going through these experiences. One who can handle working with split personalities, even bi-polar is one's who are valuable.

Yes it's unfortunate that I have to actively hide my personality when around him, but what can I do? You have to adapt to the situation that you are in and like you said, fake it for as long as you need to. If I can avoid getting a negative reaction from him by simply me keeping my mouth shut, then I will do it every single time. 

And it's too bad because communication is everything. It is the single most important factor in working relationships. And all I know is, if I had someone working for me, I wouldn't feel comfortable or right or happy, if they were second guessing and debating what and what not to say to me. 

Is he going to start second guessing me?
Is he going to start questioning what I say? What I do?
What happens if any of the camera gear gets lost during say a shoot or trip? Is he going to accuse me again of stealing it? 
I handle and have the Corporate Visa card for all company expenses. What if there is an unknown charge, is he going to accuse me of fraud? Or hey maybe he's going to accuse me of using it for my own personal expenses. 

See where I'm getting at here?

Today was a huge shine of light in terms of more of his true colours coming through and (even though he will probably question my trust forever after this fridge situation), I need to look past it. Even though, I will admit, me doubting his trust in me will always be on the back of my mind from here on in. I feel that I will now always be in question by him.

When in the group, the other members will still see my personality, but I'm drastically cutting back on what and how much I say to my boss from here on in ESPECIALLY when in person.

And yes, the most important thing is to keep my options open. Whenever I have time, I will seek new opportunities. I'm not saying that I am giving up on this one, but I need to plan for the future. There are two evenings a week that I do not go to the barn, so I will not plan these evenings and job hunt.

But I'm telling you though, this is so frightening in how eery similiar it was to when I worked for this other person in 2013 for a year. 

She would be nice one day and the complete opposite the next, same for this guy.
She would talk to me in an extremely condescending tone of voice, same for this guy.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I can understand how rattling that might be. It would be very upsetting to be insinuated as being a thief. Like you, I feel strongly about never stealing anything.
> when I was a teen , I was accused of shoplifting a pair of down gloves. the store manager brought me back to the managers office and I had to call my mom and have her explain that she had bought me the gloves , from THAT store, just days before. very humiliating.


You see, there is a very VERY fine line (that is easily accidentally crossed), when accusing someone of theft. You need to be absolutely 110% sure (and have proof) that, that person is responsible for missing items.

If any retail or grocery store does this to a customer walking out, and they were not the one responsible, they can get sued! I'm serious! It's not a matter to be taken lightly. Almost anyone today would be greatly offended if they were accused to theft without any proof.

That's why most stores today, will almost always NOT stop someone and inspect them if they are any less than 100% certain.


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## Rainaisabelle (Jan 2, 2015)

Hoofpic said:


> Im not apologizing to him for anything and I will tell you why, because of him as a person. Hes nice to me one day and a total ********* the next. He talks to me like a piece of garbage and definitely does not talk to me like he does with the rest of the gang (he makes it so obvious too). He tries to make a mockery of me around the rest of the gang. Im not one to take that BS when around others. Im not going to let him embarass me and mock me like Im some idiot.
> 
> So my best and (unfortunately), only option? KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT with him. If he wants to talk about stuff outside of work, GREAT, I am all for it. This is where he is a nice guy.
> 
> ...



So you called him a ********* not a jerk? I can't tell which is worse


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## Dehda01 (Jul 25, 2013)

I don't like a lot of people I work with. But when I make a mistake I OWN it. I expect others to as well. I think that is called responsibility. 

And when people make a mistake, I need to know immediately at my job. It often takes training to get people to wrap their heads around owning personal responsibility. I don't want excuses... just tell me the mistake...

You don't have to like a person to say you made a mistake. You DID cross a serious boundary. You do have to give them respect. And that goes a long way.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Personally, I'd never give a key to my house to anyone. 

Also, I'd be very reluctant to take a key to another persons house.

There's a variety of other reasons, but when things come up missing I have no one to blame but myself.

Frankly, your boss never should have given you the key in the first place...


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

It doesn't sound to me like you were invading his house without his knowledge. He knew you were there the first time (when you put your stuff in the fridge) to go over stuff? And he knew you were there the next day to pick up your check? He knew that you were the only one there? What I don't get is why he thought it was his sushi as he didn't buy it. I guess he saw it there and assumed his s/o bought it maybe. It was there when he left and gone when he came back so that led him to believe that you took it, which you did. He just didn't know that it was yours in the first place. He has probably by now asked her and knows that you were telling the truth and he probably feels like an idiot. Not that he would let you know that from the way his personality sounds.

Everyone has different boundaries and you just have to feel it out I suppose. Reminds me of the time a good friend of my two nieces was visiting at my house for the day. He asked if he could have a drink and my one niece said "sure, the fridge is over there, make yourself at home" He went to the fridge, got the milk out and started drinking from the jug. She sees me watching this whole scenario, looks at him and says "Justin, not THAT much at home, get a glass out of the cupboard". I just busted out laughing. Needless to say, that was his milk while he was there.

Honestly, I wouldn't get too worked up over it. I would just let it go. I think there was more misunderstandings from him than anything. As far as the rest of the stuff, well, that's something else to work out.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

gunslinger said:


> Personally, I'd never give a key to my house to anyone.
> 
> Also, I'd be very reluctant to take a key to another persons house.
> 
> ...


I agree, just a couple of weeks ago my B/O and her hubby went on vacation for a week and left everything with a house sitter. She asked me to pick up a couple of bags of alfalfa cubes for her when I went to the feed store because she ran out of time getting ready to leave. No problem. Then after they left she texted me saying that she forgot to leave the money and that I can go into her 'stash' in the house to pay for the cubes. I just told her I would cover it and she can pay me back when she got back. I was totally uncomfortable about going into someones hidden stash of money and wouldn't do it. 

Hoofpick had the key for house sitting purposes and just never got it back to him. If someone was house sitting for me I would give them a key so they can lock the door if they leave. I would get it back when I came home though.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

Dehda01 said:


> I don't like a lot of people I work with. But when I make a mistake I OWN it. I expect others to as well. I think that is called responsibility.
> 
> And when people make a mistake, I need to know immediately at my job. It often takes training to get people to wrap their heads around owning personal responsibility. I don't want excuses... just tell me the mistake...
> 
> You don't have to like a person to say you made a mistake. You DID cross a serious boundary. You do have to give them respect. And that goes a long way.


I agree but like I said, I did say sorry yesterday.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

gunslinger said:


> Also, I'd be very reluctant to take a key to another persons house.


Believe it or not, when he first gave it to me last summer I was actually a bit relectant, I even asked him "are you sure?", then I was like "okay". But this is the first that I've ever taken a house key from a person I am working for. I was a bit uncomfortable taking it, but he insisted that I would need it.

Now that he has the key back, he is going to give it to the new general administrator who is joining our team the week after next. He's never even met this person yet (interviews went through other people in the company). So, just saying....



> There's a variety of other reasons, but when things come up missing I have no one to blame but myself.


And this is why I question...if say down the road, a piece of camera gear gets broken or lost, will my boss accuse me of stealing it? 

Maybe he's now questioning me having thousands of dollars worth of the company's gear in my house and is wondering if I'm using it for my own personal usage. I mean, if he truly believes that I am a thief that can't be trusted, I could just take all this gear to a shop tomorrow and sell it all off for money. But I am not that kind of person, something does this doesn't even cross my mind. 

What if my house gets broken into and someone takes everything? Would he question if my story was true? I bet you anything, as of today, yes he would question me.

Same goes for the corporate Visa card. What if one of our purchases online gets hacked and the indentity is compromised? Maybe he will think that I am doing it.

I mean unless I have liability coverage, this stuff is not covered.

IMO, the card and having all the gear in my posession at all times is just as much of a risk for myself as having his spare house key.



> Frankly, your boss never should have given you the key in the first place...


Same can be said for the camera gear and the corporate visa.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

LoriF said:


> It doesn't sound to me like you were invading his house without his knowledge.


I never have for as long as I've had the key. NEVER. Like I said, I'm not that kind of person. 



> He knew you were there the first time (when you put your stuff in the fridge) to go over stuff?


Yes I was expected to be there that day at a specific time.



> And he knew you were there the next day to pick up your check? He knew that you were the only one there?


Yes and yes. He said to swing by anytime that Friday and I even told him that I will be there at night around so and so time.



> What I don't get is why he thought it was his sushi as he didn't buy it. I guess he saw it there and assumed his s/o bought it maybe. It was there when he left and gone when he came back so that led him to believe that you took it, which you did. He just didn't know that it was yours in the first place. He has probably by now asked her and knows that you were telling the truth and he probably feels like an idiot. Not that he would let you know that from the way his personality sounds.


This was what I was wondering as well. 

Either he didn't notice the sushi was in there until after the long weekend and wondered where it came from, or he saw it before leaving that Thursday night, assumed it was his gfs and when he got back, his gf ended up tossing it out and then he noticed it missing and assumed I ate it. 

What I should have done was taken it out when I was there on the Friday. But again, if he saw it before he left Thurs night, then it wouldn't play out any different. Meh, whatever.



> Everyone has different boundaries and you just have to feel it out I suppose. Reminds me of the time a good friend of my two nieces was visiting at my house for the day. He asked if he could have a drink and my one niece said "sure, the fridge is over there, make yourself at home" He went to the fridge, got the milk out and started drinking from the jug. She sees me watching this whole scenario, looks at him and says "Justin, not THAT much at home, get a glass out of the cupboard". I just busted out laughing. Needless to say, that was his milk while he was there.


Yes and like I said, having get to know him over the past year (exact), and seeing how I've been to his place multiple times for other reasons and he would always just tell me to help myself to a drink in the kitchen (that means going into his cupboard to get a glass, into his closet to get bottle of water, etc), I figured me putting in my leftover sushi for (what was only supposed to be 2 hours), in the fridge was not going to be an issue. But I was wrong. 



> Honestly, I wouldn't get too worked up over it. I would just let it go. I think there was more misunderstandings from him than anything. As far as the rest of the stuff, well, that's something else to work out.


I will get over it but I would be lying if I said that yesterday him accusing me of being a thief wasn't a black mark moving forward, usually stuff like this you don't ever forget. I will overcome it but not forget it. Of course the other things that happened yesterday will also be a factor in why Friday April 7 is a permanent black mark on our working relationship. 

Just so many red flags, the swearing, giving me attitude, his tone of voice, getting upset because I asked him a simple question to confirm something, were just insulting. That's when a bell rung off in my head telling me to forever to change the way I work and communicate with him. I'm sorry but if you can't keep your temper down from being asked just asking a simple yes/no question, then that is a serious flaw for any boss to have and it's one that should not be overlooked. But hey, he said "don't ask me questions!" So I've taken that context and remembered it. If he doesn't want questions asked, then I wont ask them. Sometimes people say stuff that they end up regretting and he might end up regretting saying that to me.

Thankfully for my extremely good self composure.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

lol I didn't say forget about it. What I mean by saying just let it go is just let go of the bad feelings. Holding bad feelings for too long is not good for you. You gave the key back and that's that. I don't necessarily feel like you were wrong as he opened up a lot of casualness to you and that's how you thought it was. He changed his mind for whatever reason or thought something that wasn't true. Let him live with it, you don't have to.


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

LoriF said:


> It doesn't sound to me like you were invading his house without his knowledge. He knew you were there the first time (when you put your stuff in the fridge) to go over stuff? And he knew you were there the next day to pick up your check? He knew that you were the only one there? What I don't get is why he thought it was his sushi as he didn't buy it. I guess he saw it there and assumed his s/o bought it maybe. It was there when he left and gone when he came back so that led him to believe that you took it, which you did. He just didn't know that it was yours in the first place. He has probably by now asked her and knows that you were telling the truth and he probably feels like an idiot. Not that he would let you know that from the way his personality sounds.
> 
> Everyone has different boundaries and you just have to feel it out I suppose. Reminds me of the time a good friend of my two nieces was visiting at my house for the day. He asked if he could have a drink and my one niece said "sure, the fridge is over there, make yourself at home" He went to the fridge, got the milk out and started drinking from the jug. She sees me watching this whole scenario, looks at him and says "Justin, not THAT much at home, get a glass out of the cupboard". I just busted out laughing. Needless to say, that was his milk while he was there.
> 
> Honestly, I wouldn't get too worked up over it. I would just let it go. I think there was more misunderstandings from him than anything. As far as the rest of the stuff, well, that's something else to work out.



With all due respect, it appears that you are confused about what OP posted and the situation. His boss did not think OP's sushi was his own sushi among other misunderstandings you have about the situation.


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## Triumvirate (Jan 24, 2015)

Whinnie said:


> With all due respect, it appears that you are confused about what OP posted and the situation. His boss did not think OP's sushi was his own sushi among other misunderstandings you have about the situation.


What misunderstandings are you talking about? OP just confirmed in a previous post what LoriF said?


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

Whinnie said:


> With all due respect, it appears that you are confused about what OP posted and the situation. His boss did not think OP's sushi was his own sushi among other misunderstandings you have about the situation.



OK thank you


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

One other thing....once a key is given out....one has to wonder, how many keys were made from it.....


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

Whinnie said:


> With all due respect, it appears that you are confused about what OP posted and the situation. His boss did not think OP's sushi was his own sushi among other misunderstandings you have about the situation.


From my guess is that when he saw the sushi, he wondered how it got there and once he realized that it wasn't his or his gfs, that he knew someone was in his fridge and automatically accused me of being a thief because I was the only person at his house on that Friday.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Wow. IMO you are way overthinking this whole thing. From sushi left at his house to cameras at your house? I guarantee your boss has not spent one moment thinking about that situation after discussing it with you. Maybe you should do the same... 

You say you are not letting your personality show and only saying what you need to say. He reminds you of previous bosses that you had issues with. Maybe the issues are something you need to work on in yourself, to deal productively with your employers. They are not your friends, they are your bosses and act like bosses. 

Don't know if you were hired for your personality or to do a job, but you may be letting your distrust of your boss show in your non-verbal actions. This poor attitude of yours may be showing when you interact with him, and making him doubt and distrust you. 

Have you considered smiling? Looking happy to do your job and happy to meet with him? Fake it until you make it. 

Go ahead and think before you make a comment, that is something you may have to do every time with everyone, and is not his fault or responsibility.


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

Hoofpic said:


> From my guess is that when he saw the sushi, he wondered how it got there and once he realized that it wasn't his or his gfs, that he knew someone was in his fridge and automatically accused me of being a thief because I was the only person at his house on that Friday.



Your story has changed back and forth and it is hard to keep things straight. Your boss didn't accuse you of stealing out of his fridge, he said things were missing. I took it to mean he didn't want ANYONE in his fridge because things had gone missing. There are other co-workers that go there, no? He may have mentioned the fridge to all of them at one time or another. 


The best idea you have had on this thread, that you mentioned yourself, was to go and talk to a professional. Someone who learns differently, hears (perceives) things differently and understands things differently could use some help learning how to communicate with the majority of humanity who don't perceive things as you do. Not saying you are wrong, or that others are wrong, but I think when social cues are missed and lots of assumptions are made, it is bad for everybody involved. Assumptions are being made that people have bad tempers and are being condescending when in all probability people may get annoyed at answering the same questions over and over (feeling you are not paying attention) and trying to explain things to you in simple terms to avoid being asked the same stuff over and over (appearing condescending).


A professional may help you to learn how to communicate with and understand the people around you who are not on your wavelength. That you are not understood isn't really the fault of others and getting mad and thinking everyone is against you is surely not helping you live a happy life. Blaming others all the time and being the victim isn't working for you. You can't change how other people behave, but you could sure learn to change the way you react to other people and in doing so, find people are much more tolerant of your different communication style.

You would not want to lose another job because of communication differences. Communication works both way, it is not all on your boss or others. Good luck.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

The scenario that I'm imagining is that Thurs. night he opens the fridge and sees sushi, maybe even thinking "Hmmm, maybe I'll have some of that later let me ask G/F how old it is" and then forgets about it. Leaves for the weekend "Darn, I forgot about the sushi, guess I'll have to throw it out when we get back". Comes home, "What? No sushi!!! Who was here? Hoofpick was the only one, I can't believe Hoofpick would take stuff out of my fridge! I wonder how many other times this has happened? I need to get the key back" 

He now knows that it was yours to begin with. An apology would probably go a long ways but that might not happen so you just have to live with it. 

I've thought things about people before and ended up being wrong. People have done that to me as well. I'm sure we've all done that at one time or another. Sometimes if you try to give someone a break in your head, it goes a long ways to healing the hurt feelings in yourself. 

Just last week I think I had the worst day at work in all of my 30 years being here. I left feeling like my soul was torn out of my body. Wait, it's the second time that has happened. Anyway, I had an hour and a half drive home to sort it all out. I got in my truck and thought to myself "I really love my truck" and then, I opened the window and thought to myself "I really love that cool fresh breeze coming in, it feels so good" I did this all the way home and by the time I got there, I felt like a normal happy person again. I just appreciated my way back to being myself. I couldn't think about what happened at the moment or I would have been right back to feeling like poo and I know that I wouldn't come to any kind of good solution feeling like that. This may sound crazy, but it works for me. I can usually come to a more positive answer for a problem when I'm feeling lighter about life in general.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

I have house sat for many people and with bosses that I worked for I always had a key to their house which I retained as often they were away and I would be looking after their dogs and cats. 
When I looked after someone's house for a couple of weeks I always returned the key on their return 

I would never dream of using their fridge without asking first.

When people go away on holiday they often leave food in the fridge they haven't used and tell me to use it up, things like milk, cream, cheese and often vegetables. I do use them as they would spoil. 

It all depends on the relationship you have with your employer. My late boss trusted me implicitly. He even gave me the combination amd key to his safe and gun case. 

One thing I would never do is to have a replica key cut.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

AnitaAnne said:


> *I guarantee your boss has not spent one moment thinking about that situation after discussing it with you.* . .


Perhaps yes.



> You say you are not letting your personality show and only saying what you need to say. He reminds you of previous bosses that you had issues with. Maybe the issues are something you need to work on in yourself, to deal productively with your employers. They are not your friends, they are your bosses and act like bosses. .


I don't know why it always comes back to me and my personality. Sure I may not best the super duper extrovert who stands out in a crowd, but that doesn't mean that I don't know how to socialize and be friendly, prompt and professional at the same time. Like I said, him and I have and can talk about certain things for quite some time and we are both at ease.

But when it comes to work, he is nice sometimes but for the most part he is a ********* to me and me only. Like I've already mentioned he talks to me (and me only) in an extremely condescending tone of voice. He tries to make a mockery out of me when in a group with the others. He is just offensive. But you know what? I ignore it. I've noticed this from day one, I can say very simple basic things and he will make a mockery out of me as if he is super offended. Not only is it extremely insulting but unnecessary. He does NOT do this with anyone else. I've seen it time and time again. He basically talks to me like I'm a piece of garbage. 

So you know that? It's best if I keep my mouth shut. I just know there is something about him that rubs me the wrong way.



> Don't know if you were hired for your personality or to do a job, but you may be letting your distrust of your boss show in your non-verbal actions. This poor attitude of yours may be showing when you interact with him, and making him doubt and distrust you. .


I've never shown my distrust in him, I keep my emotions to myself, I do not show them.



> Have you considered smiling? Looking happy to do your job and happy to meet with him? Fake it until you make it. .


And who ever said I don't smile? Have any of you guys heard our conversations or seen how I communicate with him? because if you did, I think many of you would be very shocked.



> Go ahead and think before you make a comment, that is something you may have to do every time with everyone, and is not his fault or responsibility.


It's not his fault, but it's what he's led me to do. I'm not thinking 3 or 4 times before saying something to him by choice, I am doing it because I am far better off this way. Trust me.

Let me ask you something. How many people do you know, would be okay being talked to in an offensive tone of voice from their boss and make a mockery of all the time when with or without others around?

I've always just laughed with them, but I do not like it and I will not put up with it.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

Whinnie said:


> Your story has changed back and forth and it is hard to keep things straight. Your boss didn't accuse you of stealing out of his fridge, he said things were missing. I took it to mean he didn't want ANYONE in his fridge because things had gone missing. There are other co-workers that go there, no? He may have mentioned the fridge to all of them at one time or another.
> 
> 
> The best idea you have had on this thread, that you mentioned yourself, was to go and talk to a professional. Someone who learns differently, hears (perceives) things differently and understands things differently could use some help learning how to communicate with the majority of humanity who don't perceive things as you do. Not saying you are wrong, or that others are wrong, but I think when social cues are missed and lots of assumptions are made, it is bad for everybody involved. Assumptions are being made that people have bad tempers and are being condescending when in all probability people may get annoyed at answering the same questions over and over (feeling you are not paying attention) and trying to explain things to you in simple terms to avoid being asked the same stuff over and over (appearing condescending).
> ...


What makes you think I'm so different from others? You know I am a bit restless with how you always make it out to me as a person and my personality. I never said that people are out to get me, but I think if you actually seen certain situations in how my boss communicates with me, you would see a much clearer image of exactly what I mean. 

I can gaurentee you that he has some serious red flags as an employer. He's got terrible control over his emotions and has a bad temper. I even witnessed it first hand in a group one time when he was talking and explaining something to one of the guys' wife. I was thinking, "are you kidding me?"....you are going to talk to her like that?" How rude.

I am not just making this all up, it's my gut feeling and what I know. One of the most important factors in any workplace is everyone have equal rights and treated the same way. I do not get this same treatment as everyone else because he can't even communicate with me on BASIC (and I mean BASIC) stuff without either having a temper over it or talking to me in an offensive tone of voice.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

@Hoofpic you are _completely missing the point_. The boss can talk to you anyway he wants to. Quit expecting him to change to suit _your idea _of a good boss. 

The only person you can change is _yourself_. We have all given you many ways _to adjust _to the situation (as you have described it). 

At a prior workplace, I witnessed a boss acting in a condescending manor to an employee. That boss _hated the employee _and wanted her gone. He made no attempt to hide his distain, and she knew he hated her too. 

Maybe it is time to find a different job.


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## Rainaisabelle (Jan 2, 2015)

Find a new job then.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Okay. Here's my take on this situation.
I'd just let it go. It's really not that serious, I doubt your boss is even still thinking about it at all. It's a new day/week, you can give his key back & that's it.

If you overthink you will make things even worse. Just try to put it in the back of your mind & move on. 
If things get worse at your job, work on your resume & start looking elsewhere. Otherwise, you will be in the same place and things will not change.

Yeah, maybe he shouldn't have gone the extra mile in thinking you stole from his fridge, but I'm sure he was shocked you'd put something in there, and maybe he feels a bit uneasy with his key still being in someone's possession. Therefore, he asked for it back & there you go- give it back & call it a day! 

Just do your job, and don't worry about the rest. If you are paranoid, it will make things worse. 

Just my two cents.  My boss isn't always the nicest, but at work sometimes we have to put up with things & if we can't take anymore, we just get a new job or work on our resume. If it's out of your control, there's not much you can do.

I wouldn't overthink this situation. He could've been having a bad day, or some personal issues. It happens.
Not everyone is going to act the way we wish they would. Maybe your boss is a real jerk, but he's a great businessman. etc.


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

Hoofpic said:


> What makes you think I'm so different from others?
> 
> 
> _You have said so yourself._
> ...



Ever since you have been posting on Horse Forum, you have complained of being treated badly by everyone around you. Every, co-workers, boarders, people at horse expos. How can every person you know or meet treat you badly. Many of your posts have shown lots of temper fits and also have an offensive tone, exactly what you are accusing of others.


It appears you did not want advice on how to handle the situation, as your title indicated, but only wanted to rant about your boss and get everyone to agree with you that he was the bad guy. Even with all your description, I don't believe your boss gets as mad as you think or speaks to you in a condescending tone, but that is the way you perceive it. You think EVERYONE does that. I do believe he is frustrated with you. If you keep believing everyone dislikes you, that is the only thing you will see of others no matter how friendly they try to be, no matter how they try to help you. Unless someone agrees with you that everyone else is bad and mean, you don't like it.


Perfect example is my prior post, not blaming you, not saying you are wrong, but agreeing with you and encouraging you, who mentioned it yourself, to consult with someone who could help you. I didn't blame you, but you believe I did, because that is what you want to see.


You are the one who said you wanted to talk to a professional. Take your own advice.


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## newtrailriders (Apr 2, 2017)

I wish I had time to go through and read this entire thread. I've only read the first page of it and getting ready to go to work now, but just wanted to add my two cents.

I think if it was me I'd bring back everything that belongs to him and kindly say (or write in a note or on a nice card), "From what you said, I got the impression that somebody has been stealing from you and you don't know who it is. Until you find out who it is, I will be a suspect and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I understand. You don't know me very well, and I don't know you very well. When you gave me your house key and told me to a couple of times just let myself in I mistakenly assumed that meant you knew that I was trustworthy. I apologize for assuming it was OK to put my sushi in your refrigerator while I was working. I'm bringing these things back to you because having them makes me feel uncomfortable right now. If/when you find out who was actually doing the stealing, I will feel comfortable taking them back. Until then I would like to do avoid the possibility of being suspected again."

I assume you're not the only person he's given keys to and someone that he trusted is stealing from him.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

AnitaAnne said:


> @Hoofpic you are _completely missing the point_. The boss can talk to you anyway he wants to. Quit expecting him to change to suit _your idea _of a good boss.


Right now I am not expecting him to become a good boss. A year in? It will stay the same. That is why I have made the adjustments myself in how I communicate and work with him. Keeping my mouth shut and only opening it when I absolutely need to is the best option that I have. 

I didn't have a chance to go to the walk in counselling centre last Friday, but I am hoping to today as I will have more time. I bet you they will all say the same. I have been to this centre before and the best part about it is that there is a team of other members who sit behind a mirror the entire time where they listen and at the end they collaborate their thoughts with the person who sits down with me. 



> The only person you can change is _yourself_. We have all given you many ways _to adjust _to the situation (as you have described it).
> 
> At a prior workplace, I witnessed a boss acting in a condescending manor to an employee. That boss _hated the employee _and wanted her gone. He made no attempt to hide his distain, and she knew he hated her too.
> 
> Maybe it is time to find a different job.


Reminds me of him, except I have extremely good self composure.

Right now I am keeping my door open and the two days a week that I do not go to the barn, I will be job hunting.


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## Hoofpic (Aug 23, 2015)

Whinnie said:


> Ever since you have been posting on Horse Forum, you have complained of being treated badly by everyone around you. Every, co-workers, boarders, people at horse expos. How can every person you know or meet treat you badly. Many of your posts have shown lots of temper fits and also have an offensive tone, exactly what you are accusing of others.
> 
> 
> It appears you did not want advice on how to handle the situation, as your title indicated, but only wanted to rant about your boss and get everyone to agree with you that he was the bad guy. Even with all your description, I don't believe your boss gets as mad as you think or speaks to you in a condescending tone, but that is the way you perceive it. You think EVERYONE does that. I do believe he is frustrated with you. If you keep believing everyone dislikes you, that is the only thing you will see of others no matter how friendly they try to be, no matter how they try to help you. Unless someone agrees with you that everyone else is bad and mean, you don't like it.
> ...


You can think what you want, I have already said what I needed to say. I will not comment any further with you because I am just repeating myself. You don't know my entire situation, you are not there to watch and hear my bosses and I's conversations.

It's already been said before that you can't always detect ones feelings through verbal text especially online. You can think all you want that I am sitting here fuming with rage, that I'm super upset and that I have an out of control temper, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. I've said it before that my self composure is one of my best qualities, but I won't get anymore into it, you are welcome to think what you want, I can't force you to believe anything.

Let me ask you this, if you truly believe that it's me, then how is it possible that I've managed to have 5 or 6 really good employers in which we had a great working relationship, built on communication, trust and respect and I use as strong references? Cause if it's me, then you would think that I wouldn't be able to work or get along with any boss.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Moderator's note:

This thread has run its course, with every kind of response from the good to the bad to the ugly. time to lay it to rest for good.


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