# How to tell someone they're doing something wrong?



## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

This situation happens to involve a leaser on one of my horses. The horse is a lovely 18 hand thoroughbred gelding, trained in dressage up to level 3 before he was sold to me. He's never been an anxious horse, never reared or bucked unless you were lunging him. During the times when he was ridden by others both inexperienced as well as experienced individuals, he would thoroughly listen to your commands, never bucked, reared, bolted, get distracted, etc. he is what some would picture as the ideal horse.

But when this girl rides him he does all of the things that I mentioned above and throws his head up in the air a lot too. I don't necessarily have an "eye" for these things just yet, but I think she's doing two things wrong in this situation. One, she constantly nags his sides when riding, and two I think she's holding the reins too tight. He's been fully checked out as a healthy horse, up to date on everything too. I can't see any other issue than how she is riding him. She also wants to put a figure eight or a flash noseband on him because she thinks it will keep him focused, and I don't think it's necessary.

She means well and is a very nice person, and other than those two things that I noticed, her riding seems fine. She's been riding for a very long time, and normally my mother would approach people about this (and she's probably going to regardless), but the girl doesn't understand her (she's deaf and her voice is "iffy"). I personally want to try out situations like this so I can learn from them, I'm just not sure how to approach it without offending her.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

SamanthaB said:


> This situation happens to involve a leaser on one of my horses. The horse is a lovely 18 hand thoroughbred gelding, trained in dressage up to level 3 before he was sold to me. He's never been an anxious horse, never reared or bucked unless you were lunging him. During the times when he was ridden by others both inexperienced as well as experienced individuals, he would thoroughly listen to your commands, never bucked, reared, bolted, get distracted, etc. he is what some would picture as the ideal horse.
> 
> But when this girl rides him he does all of the things that I mentioned above and throws his head up in the air a lot too. I don't necessarily have an "eye" for these things just yet, but I think she's doing two things wrong in this situation. One, she constantly nags his sides when riding, and two I think she's holding the reins too tight. He's been fully checked out as a healthy horse, up to date on everything too. I can't see any other issue than how she is riding him. She also wants to put a figure eight or a flash noseband on him because she thinks it will keep him focused, and I don't think it's necessary.
> 
> She means well and is a very nice person, and other than those two things that I noticed, her riding seems fine. She's been riding for a very long time, and normally my mother would approach people about this (and she's probably going to regardless), but the girl doesn't understand her (she's deaf and her voice is "iffy"). I personally want to try out situations like this so I can learn from them, I'm just not sure how to approach it without offending her.


If she was making my horse buck & rear, I wouldn't be worried about offending her. I'd tell her straight out to get off and get some help with the horse. 

Is she taking lessons with a trainer? If so, approach the trainer. If not, she needs to, ASAP before she ruins your horse.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

If she's creating bad behavior with your horse, I'd consider ending the lease and finding a new rider to lease your horse. 

In the end, it is YOUR horse and you decide how the horse is handled and ridden. Doesn't matter if she gets offended; its your horse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

I would seriously talk to her as she is going to sour your horse. She needs to do it your way, probably best with an instructor, or the lease would end if it were mine. Too much is invested in all of that training to ruin it. Those behaviors are very difficult to into correct, IMO.


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## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> If she was making my horse buck & rear, I wouldn't be worried about offending her. I'd tell her straight out to get off and get some help with the horse.
> 
> Is she taking lessons with a trainer? If so, approach the trainer. If not, she needs to, ASAP before she ruins your horse.


I accidentally made it sound worse than it really is although he does throw his head up in the air a lot, he will usually buck/rear only once or twice. Not saying that I approve of it, but that's why I'm trying to figure out a way to tell her that she's the one who is in the wrong without losing a paying leaser.
No, she doesn't have a trainer, ironically she's going to school soon to learn about business so she can start a business in training horses and teaching lessons.


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## Golden Horse (Feb 20, 2010)

SamanthaB said:


> normally my mother would approach people about this (and she's probably going to regardless), but the girl doesn't understand her (she's deaf and her voice is "iffy"). I personally want to try out situations like this so I can learn from them, I'm just not sure how to approach it without offending her.


So how old are you? yes it is an important question.

If your mother usually would approach does that mean you are still a minor?


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## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

Golden Horse said:


> So how old are you? yes it is an important question.
> 
> If your mother usually would approach does that mean you are still a minor?


I'm 19 years old, my mother runs the business, I am going to be taking over in the late future


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

I would get on while she's there & show her how he should be ridden. Then explain cause & effect.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

Being Deaf, please don't assume she understands what you are saying/demonstrating because they smile, nod, and look to be agreeing. Deaf folks learn to do that when stuff doesn't really make sense.

It would be really great if you two could ride together and you could demonstrate what you mean.

There is a bunch more that would help, but that would be a start.

I hope you guys can work this out.


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## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

boots said:


> Being Deaf, please don't assume she understands what you are saying/demonstrating because they smile, nod, and look to be agreeing. Deaf folks learn to do that when stuff doesn't really make sense.
> 
> It would be really great if you two could ride together and you could demonstrate what you mean.
> 
> ...


I think you misunderstood, the leaser is not deaf, my mother who is the owner/manager of the barn and horse, is... I want to try and talk to the leaser myself (with my mother present) so I can gain experience with situations like this, and because the girl (who is new to the barn) has a hard time understanding my mother.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

SamanthaB said:


> I think you misunderstood, the leaser is not deaf, my mother who is the owner/manager of the barn and horse, is... I want to try and talk to the leaser myself (with my mother present) so I can gain experience with situations like this, and because the girl (who is new to the barn) has a hard time understanding my mother.


Boy. I sure did. Back to elementary school for reading comprehension for me. 

Okay. Ignore everything I said and get after the chica. Your horse. Your rules.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

If I were leasing a horse and I was unknowingly causing problems, I would want someone to point these things out and show me a better way, but that's me. I wouldn't worry so much, just tell her, show her or whatever other way you can get the point across.


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

Show her what she is doing wrong. If she doesn't correct it then end the lease. Paying client or not, she is going to ruin your horse. And it sounds like she has a long way to go if she has plans to be an instructor herself. Yikes.
At 19 you are an adult by most definitions. Hopefully your mom will pay attention to your concerns. Often it is not easy giving up some of the control. : )


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## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

Dustbunny said:


> Show her what she is doing wrong. If she doesn't correct it then end the lease. Paying client or not, she is going to ruin your horse. *And it sounds like she has a long way to go if she has plans to be an instructor herself. Yikes.*
> At 19 you are an adult by most definitions. Hopefully your mom will pay attention to your concerns. Often it is not easy giving up some of the control. : )


It's common here in CT (not sure if it happens anywhere else), a bunch of young girls usually in their early to mid twenties seem to have the opinion that they are ready to be trainers and managers simply because they've been taking lessons since they were 6, and went to college for 4 years...

Also, my mother doesn't mind at all having me talk to the girl, she carries the same opinion, but since she's the owner/manager of the farm I think it's only necessary that she's present as well.


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## Chasin Ponies (Dec 25, 2013)

You could look at this as a good practice exercise for the future when you do take over your mom's stable. Running a business is all about learning how to deal with people/clients hopefully in a way that is enlightening but not insulting. It's hard but you are going to run into potentially confrontational situations in any business for many years to come.

Business-wise, you really can't afford to let an incompetent leaser ruin _any_ of your horses. I assume you have quite an investment in him and choosing the short term cash coming in over the long term useability of this horse isn't wise.

A very subtle way of approaching her might be to mention that the horse doesn't seem to be responding in the normal way to her and offer her a free lesson on how he _needs _to be handled. If she wants to take offense or get snotty about it, gently say that it's time to end the lease. The buck/rear response is something that can easily become habit to this horse making him a horse you won't be able to lease to _anyone_.


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## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

Chasin Ponies said:


> You could look at this as a good practice exercise for the future when you do take over your mom's stable. Running a business is all about learning how to deal with people/clients hopefully in a way that is enlightening but not insulting. It's hard but you are going to run into potentially confrontational situations in any business for many years to come.
> 
> Business-wise, you really can't afford to let an incompetent leaser ruin _any_ of your horses. I assume you have quite an investment in him and choosing the short term cash coming in over the long term useability of this horse isn't wise.
> 
> A very subtle way of approaching her might be to mention that the horse doesn't seem to be responding in the normal way to her and offer her a free lesson on how he _needs _to be handled. If she wants to take offense or get snotty about it, gently say that it's time to end the lease. The buck/rear response is something that can easily become habit to this horse making him a horse you won't be able to lease to _anyone_.


That's what I was looking for... I probably should have specified in the first place that I needed a very specific way of approaching, cause I _literally _don't know what to say. But what you depicted should be fine, I'll give it a try.

Thank you


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## 6gun Kid (Feb 26, 2013)

So, how did it work out?


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## BreezylBeezyl (Mar 25, 2014)

This is why I would never lease a horse without the leaser agreeing to be in a lesson program. I do not put all this effort, time, and MONEY into my horse for it to be ruined by someone who doesn't know what they are doing, intentionally or not.

I would approach her about the issues you see and how you should reconsider changing the lease agreement so that she must participate in a lesson program with a trainer you know and trust. That way you are doing what's best for your horse, and the rider.


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## SeaBreezy (Jun 29, 2012)

Chasin Ponies covered everything I was going to suggest.

Good luck, remember to stay filled with determination


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

I lease my horses out abd have had to deal with this exact thing with my mare and a lesser. 

What I would do, is tell her your going to come out abd watch a ride to see if you can spot the problem. Make it sound like your helping, not demanding. 

When you watch her ride, wait for the horse to throw his head or look uncomfortable, then tell her "try letting out some rein abd give him some head space" or whatever way you want to say it. Hopefully, she listens to you, the horse relaxes, abd she can see the difference for herself. As for the nagging with the legs, watch her, and tell her "less leg, he's doing fine" if she continues to use to much leg(in my opinion it's often a harder habit to break than being to tight with the reins) encourage her to back off, and just let him to his thing. Remind her that he's well trained, abd if she asks correctly, he'll do what she asks. When she's done, hopefully having taken your correction, have a conversation about continuing what she learned that day, loose rein, less leg, happier ride. 

Then watch her closely for the next couple of rides. If she goes right back to her bad habits, tell her the lease isn't working, sorry, but your terminating it. Best excuse is she's just not the right match for him. 

The key to these interactions is to be open and helpful, but firm.


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## JulieG (Jun 25, 2013)

I think a lot of how it goes will depend on her and how she takes it.

I've had people correct me, or offer suggestions, when I've leased their horses, but I have an open mind and take all criticism as help. After all, it is their horse and they know it best! If she doesn't have the ability to test the waters and see what works best for THIS horse, then she doesn't need to be leasing anymore. If you can only ride horses one particular way and not adjust your riding technique, or at least try, when you're on other horses then riding many different horses isn't something you should do.


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## ptvintage (Feb 12, 2010)

I hope it went well, but if it didn't, or you haven't tried yet, the best approach is just matter-of-fact, and don't act like you think she's going to overreact or do anything.

"Hi leaser, I saw you ride, and I noticed the horse does x. That's not really like him, do you know why he might be doing that?" 

Depending on her answer, you could say, "Try a lighter hand, or leg, he may settle," or "doing x has worked in the past to settle him," or whatever it is you think she should do. Don't make it a big ordeal, just mention it to her and see what she says. Or maybe she won't say much, but I would guess once she's aware of it, or aware that you are noticing, she'll probably try to change it.


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## SamanthaB (Jul 22, 2014)

6gun Kid said:


> So, how did it work out?


She took the advice a lot better than expected, I pointed out the things that I thought she was doing wrong (while she was riding) and my mother demonstrated to her how to ride him, because my posting skills are... quite frankly, crap (western rider speaking)... 
So far, no bucking or rearing so hopefully it will remain that way.


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