# Luna and I... What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger... The Best Is Yet To Come



## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Only post for today: My good picture of Luna 


Luna | Flickr - Photo Sharing!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/12/12 


Only 3 (almost two) more days until I turn sixteen... I'm really excited :happydance:

I'm not having a party or anything, which is fine with me. Like I said before, my birthday presents are my drivers license and Luna (even though I won't have her until the 4th)  The only thing I wish I could have is my parents home for the whole day of my birthday. They both have to work :-( So I have to figure out what to do by myself during the day. Normally I do school work, but it is my birthday :wink: 

I'm also a bit excited for tomorrow, Luna's new bridle and bit should be delivered 

I ordered this bit:

JP Korsteel Oval Mouth Eggbutt Snaffle Bit | Dover Saddlery

And this bridle:

Suffolk Fancy Snaffle Bridle | Dover Saddlery


I ordered the bit in 4 3/4 size, hopefully it will be small enough (that was the smallest size it came in). Her owner has been riding her in a gag bit :x:roll: So I'm going to teach her how to flex and have contact with the bit without it being painful. You *never* start a green horse in a shank bit, let alone a GAG bit!!! Sorry for the rant, that just really angers me. She was obviously in pain :-x 

Anyway, I ordered the bridle in cob size since she's so small. I'm pretty sure that will fit her. I also ordered her a new purple saddle pad, but it hasn't shipped yet :neutral:

Mean while I have been thinking about how I will start her training (what I will do first). I know she will be a bit frazzled from the move and really excited to see all the other horses (including the stallions, which we'll avoid), so I'm not planning on pushing her in the first week/week and a half. I'll take her in the arena and do some groundwork for 15-25 minutes or so daily and i will judge her temperament from there. I'm going to try and ride her two or three times in the first week and a half, again depending on her mood. Mostly going to work on groundwork/lunging and respect. About three weeks or so after she has gotten used to the new environment and schedule, I will start riding her more frequently. I would like to ride her every day, but I don't want her to get sour either. It all depends on her mood and how quickly she gets used to things...

My main goals for her under saddle training are staying in the trot and canter consistently and transitions. After we have that down, we'll will work on staying on the right lead. She has only been cantered in an arena a few times, so she has never been corrected with her lead. She also doesn't stay in the canter for more than a few strides, hence the consistency training.


Guess I should try to get some sleep... Hopefully the bridle and bit will come tomorrow  


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/13/12


Luna's new bridle and bit came  I highly recommend the bridle, the leather is very soft, not stiff at all. The bit looks good too, very well made. The length looks about the right size for her, but the rings look quite big. The joint in the middle also looks pretty big, considering she has a very low palette. But I think it will probably work  

I know this post is short, but I'm going to try to get a bit of extra sleep tonight. I'm going to practice for my driving test tomorrow. I take it on wednesday (birthday). Yup, only one more full day until I turn sixteen :happydance:


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Happy birthday girl! Guess you're to busy to update the page today?

16, what a great age....

Enjoy!


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## westerncowgurl (Jul 14, 2010)

happy birthday  hope u get your license


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks guys, I'm going to take my test in a couple hours. There will be another update tonight 

Thank you for saying happy birthday, I really do appreciate it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

And thank you very much for the cake gunslinger, it was awesome 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

*:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:*
*!!Happy Birthday!! *
*Sweet sixteen*

*:clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap::clap:*

*!!Love your new horse!!*


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks Taffy 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/15


Well, I passed my driving test  I got an 80, so not too bad. At least I got my license  I drove myself to the barn afterwards, and I worked a little bit with Pinecone. Then I came home and we ate cake. I am fairly disappointed only because my dad could only be here for 45 minutes. My parents are together but they both work like crazy :-( I still get the sense that it isn't my birthday... I don't know why. Maybe because there was no real "present opening" or party, which I'm fine with. It just feels... Odd. A little morbid? I'm not sure... But it will pass eventually. 

Thanks for reading :wave:


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/16


I think it's safe to say the my mind has finally accepted that I'm now sixteen... I drove into town a few times today, but I didn't have time to go to the barn. Luna's new pad came (Reinsman Original Purple Pad). It seems pretty heavy, but I think it just needs to be broken in. It came with a free side pull halter that I'll never use... Oh well, it was free. I can't think of anything else to write about... Nothing else interesting happened :lol:


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

So when are you getting your horse? It is a horse you know already or is it a new to you horse? Do you have photos of your new girl?


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

I will be getting her as of march 4th  I have only been out to see her twice, once to ride her and once to make sure my saddle fit her, so she is very new to me  I will attach a pic of her (only one I have for now)


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/17


I've been thinking about what I'm going to start feeding Luna when I get her... And I think I've decided on stabilized rice bran. She definitely needs to put on some weight and muscle and I think the rice bran will help. Depending on the weather I might take a drive out to a feed store (closest one is 3 hours away) and see if they sell the pelleted version of it. As long as it doesn't snow :lol: I have to work two shifts tomorrow, so I'm going to try to get some sleep.


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

_I do remember now _that you posted her photo earlier. She looks very nice; it is so much fun getting a new horse, all the anticipation, expectations and future plans. Being able to say she was my 16th b-day present, is also special, you will also remember that gift always.
 While I always had a horse to ride I got my own, and only mine, horse for my 11th b-day, I had him until I was 35. I loved that horse. I am sure Luna will be as special to you as "Taffy" was to me.
I bet you are just bursting with excitement!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

I am very excited  She is already very special to me, even though I've only seen her twice 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/19


I'll keep this short because I'm so frakin tired... Good news, I'm getting Luna a week earlier than expected!!! We are moving her to the barn this saturday  Tomorrow we are taking a little road trip to the feed store (3 hours) and I'm going to buy her some rice bran  Just hope it doesn't snow or else we won't be able to make the drive :shock: Black ice is a common conflict here... Please don't let it snow! I love snow, but I hate driving in it :?

Thanks for reading :wave:


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/20


Just got back from the feed store and I got some new stuff  They were out of the rice bran I wanted so I had to settle for Renew Gold. It's coconut meal and rice bran, so we'll see how it works out. I also bought some mare magic for her. I'll be giving her that just in case she decides to get bitchy :lol: It worked for my other mare (2 horses ago) so hopefully it will work for Luna as well.


And a list of other things I bought (all in purple):

New halter and lead rope

New dressage whip (for ground work)

New grooming bucket


I also have to wean her off of the grain she is currently getting. I'm pretty sure it's just straight oats, and I don't want to feed her that. I plan to have her weaned off them in a week. I also have to introduce the new grain to her and I will do that in the same week. By the end she should be completely off the oats and just on the rice bran and mare magic.


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/21


I don't know why, but lately I've been thinking about Luna's size compared to mine and how well she will be able to carry me. Her original owner is quite a bit bigger than me and she is the one who saddle broke her... She's probably 5' 7 and weighs about 188ish. Maybe more. I'm only 5'1 and weigh about 155-160 (Not plus sized at all. I wear a size 8-10). I would like to weigh 115-120. Luna is about 14.1-14.2. I think I started thinking about it because I have a doctor's appointment on thursday and they will have my test results back. I have hypothyroidism (hence the extra weight on me) and I lost a little bit of weight when they put me on meds (a few years ago) but they stopped working a while ago, so I gained the weight back plus some. Now understand this. I only eat 1500-1800 calories a day. Sometimes less. I am an active person, going to the barn everyday and all that. But my hormones are seriously screwed up. Always have been. One of the things they tested for is Polycystic ovary syndrome, which I think I probably have. They also tested my glucose and a whole bunch of other things (they took 10 tubes of blood and I got 5 needles stuck in my arms). I'm not going to tell you my whole life story and all about my various ailments (that would take years, ha ha) but that is just a little about me and what's going on right now. 

Anyway, I think it will be fine. I've always been a worrier once everything starts going well for me (I always think I'll to screw it up). I have a very (very) blurry picture of me on her and I look about the right size. I also have a very light seat, so I'm not going to be flopping around on her back all day. Once she gains more muscle she'll be bigger and stronger.

That's all for now...


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## Catdog88 (Oct 3, 2011)

You remind me a bit of myself when I was 16. Your honesty about how you are feeling is very touching. You seem like a wise soul


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks Catdog  I have always felt older than I am... It can be very helpful at times, I almost feel like I have experienced it before 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/22


Doctor's appointment tomorrow. Gods, I hate doctors... Always looking down on you, thinking they know best. Thinking they know you. One of the many reasons I'm dreading it is because I know it will be just like all the other doctors (7 or 8 of them in the past few years) "I can't help you with that" or "Your levels are normal, I don't know why you're here" or "We could just do another test but we won't find anything" even though it was so obvious that everything was (is?) not okay. I have been tested to death. Seen endocrinologists, psychiatrists, and various other "specialists". Been to hospitals (although never for an over night stay) where I didn't belong, been in pain that should have never been caused. 

Why it has to be me I will never know. Of course, many people have it a lot worse than me and I understand that. But sometimes I can't help feeling that I'm in my own personal hell, made just for me. 

Anyway... That's a little insight on why I hate doctors so much. They have never done anything but cause me pain and suffering. And yet I keep going back because I don't deserve to live like this. At one point, I thought that I did deserve it. But now I know that my mind likes to play tricks on me. It tricks me into thinking that I'm not good enough, that I deserve to hate myself. But I don't. It has taken me _so long_ to realize that... 

I do truly believe that there are a few things that saved me. 

1. Somewhere deep down I knew dying wasn't the answer.

2. My family. I would kill them if I died and I knew it. 

3. Horses. I knew that some where out there that there was a horse just as screwed up as me and that we would find each other someday. 

4. My other pets. I've seen how my dog looks at my door when she thinks I'm gone. I couldn't deal with thinking that she would be looking at my door for the rest of her life.

5. Battlestar Galactica (the new version). I know it's weird that I'd add a tv show to a list of things that saved my life, but it really did. I watched one episode and it changed me. Within a week of watching the show, I had decided to chop off all my hair and dye it (a lighter) blonde, just like Starbuck. Her will to live and fight despite what was going on was just enough to bring back the life in me. 

6. Music. Evanescence, The Pretty Reckless, Rise Against, and the music from Battlestar Galactica helped me through as well.


Hopefully the appointment tomorrow isn't too awful... Wish me luck.


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## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

Good Luck today!!


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yep, good luck...hope everything went well.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/23


Things did not go well today. How should I put it... Let's just say I feel like sh*t. My labs came back and everything except my testosterone levels were normal (due to the polycystic ovarian syndrome). My doctor contacted an edocronologist and they both think I have PCOS. Okay, that's fine, I thought. I can deal with that. Until she told me a little about PCOS. It is one of the most common causes of infertility in women. That was like a punch in the face. Whenever someone asked me if I wanted kids, I always automatically said no. But now that it's possible that I can't have any... You never know what you've got til it's gone. Of course I still don't want kids, but maybe my future self does? It just really fraking sucks. And on top of it all I have to go in for more labs/blood tests tomorrow morning. Then once they get those results back, I will be put on a pill that is for PCOS. Of course my main concern is my weight, and I asked the doc if the new pill will help me lose and she said "it's possible..." which is code for "probably not". It just really ****es me off. And I have a right to be angry... But I also have to learn to deal with it. It's just going to take some time to get used to this harsh new reality. In the mean time, I have Luna to look forward to, and I'll think of her when I think about how sh*tty I feel.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/24

Got more blood work done today, don't really want to talk about it. I'm still angry about this PCOS thing and it's ****ing me off that I'm angry. So... I guess I'm just mad at myself. Anyway... Luna should be arriving at the barn tomorrow  Hopefully she won't act too crazy. But she is young, so I can't expect her to act perfectly. I will try to take some pictures


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Ignore me if I **** you off further, but you didn't cause yourself to get PCOS and you have every right to feel hurt and ****ed off about it. It's not fair. But despite everything, you're getting your horse and she's going to be so much fun and she'll help you get through things!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you Skyseternalangel  I really needed a pep talk  You are absolutely right about all that, Luna will help me through and it isn't fair that I have PCOS... But I just have to keep going and keep telling myself that when I feel crappy. I'm so glad I found this forum and started keeping a journal, everyone has been very supportive and helpful, I really do appreciate it


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

sporthorsegirl said:


> Thank you Skyseternalangel  I really needed a pep talk  You are absolutely right about all that, Luna will help me through and it isn't fair that I have PCOS... But I just have to keep going and keep telling myself that when I feel crappy. I'm so glad I found this forum and started keeping a journal, everyone has been very supportive and helpful, I really do appreciate it


I'm glad you found it too, and you're feeling like you aren't alone in all of this. Feel free to seek me out if you need to talk


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yea, that really sucks.

God has a plan for you. Try not to worry about things you have no control over and trust in gods plan for you. Be thankful for the things you have, and don't dwell on what you don't have.

If, in the future you decide you want kids, there are kids, like horses, that need someone to love and care for them.

Just saying, there are other ways to have kids other than to birth them yourself.

My aunt was told she couldn't have children and adopted two. A couple of years later she got pregnant and had two children naturally. 

Keep your chin up 16.....you've got a lot of living ahead of you.....enjoy your life as it was given to you.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you both very much 

Sky- I will definitely come find you if I need someone to talk to, you're awesome  


Gunslinger- You're right, I didn't even think about adoption... Thank you for your kind words 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/25

Good news, Luna is now at the barn  She was acting up a bit, but it was fine. The owner who hauled her over (who is an idiot) put her in the trailer with no hay and she somehow "scratched off" her halter, despite the fact that it is two sizes too small... She hadn't been fed in a long time, so her stomach is sucked in and tense. But I gave her some hay and grain and she seemed pretty happy. She did some pacing, but that's to be expected. I can't go up there until 4 tomorrow because of the two shifts I have to work and there will be a few people up there before me and I want the arena to myself. I plan to lunge and desensitize her, so we'll see how that goes. I got a picture of her in her new stall


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

She's lovely!! Love the white splash on her face  Have fun bonding with her tonight!

As for the halter.. ahh.. I once had my boy in the trailer for around an hour, stopped to get a new halter (rope) and when I got to his new barn, we opened the door and he was loose!!! And just standing there, upset. So I had to crawl under the divider (such a bad idea..) and re-halter him. 

I am never trailing with rope again! Leather or nylon!

I'm glad your girl made it okay


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks skyseternalangel  I love nylon for trailering because it's thick and won't cut up their faces too bad if the pull back... Leather is great too


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

How far did she travel in the trailer? I usually don't put hay in the trailer myself, but I seldom travel more than a few hours.

She's a beauty.....and a lucky horse.....seems like this is going to be a good thing for both of you.

A lucky girl and a lucky horse....Life don't get much better than that young lady!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

She didn't travel far at all, probably 40 minutes. I just personally like to keep them occupied  Together we are lucky, that's for sure, I am so happy that I found her  Once I get this pcos figured out, I'll have nothing holding me back 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

An old fellow told me that "success isn't in playing a good hand well, but rather, is playing a poor hand good".

You have to play the cards you're dealt, and every hands a winner, depending on how you play them.

Love your journal, reading about your young life, and, well, trust me, everything's going to turn out just fine.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks gunslinger


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/26


I am very happy to say that Luna is doing great  

She did pretty fraking amazing today considering she was only moved yesterday and is only five years old. :happydance: 

I free lunged her a little in the arena first and it was kind of funny because she runs _exactly_ like an arab. The owner told me she was registered foundation quarter horse but I have a good feeling she was lied to. One of the barn owners was watching and asked "Are you sure she's not an arab?" I said "I have a feeling she's an arab cross". But she doesn't seem to have the arabian attitude (spookiness, general craziness) which is nice. 

After I free lunged her for a few minutes, we put a gypsy filly in with her to see if they would get along. They were okay for a while until the filly started running around and Luna started chasing her. She threw a few kicks out at her and the filly got scared. She wasn't actually trying to hurt her, but she is quite a bit bigger than her. So we took the filly out and I decided to keep working with Luna.

I started with desensitizing to the lead rope and she didn't even flinch. Then I worked on backing, flexing, and disengaging the hind and fore quarters. All of which needs work, but still great considering her minimal handling and her age. Tomorrow I plan to put her on the lunge line and see how she does  I plan to ride her in a couple of days. I have a feeling she hasn't been ridden since I rode her last (about a month ago).


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## sommsama09 (Oct 28, 2010)

Subbing to an awesome thread


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks sommsama 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Love reading about your young life-you are a good writer! Seeing Luna's picture also put me in mind of an Arab, & I've had a few-she is very pretty. Can't imagine someone not feeding their horse-glad you got her early & her life will be much better now. Keep up the good work, & like others have said-chin up & don't limit yourself-you will be fine. Vent here, ask advice, be willing to listen. I see a positive attitiude shining through & hope Luna will be another reason to live your best life.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Think she'll be ready to ride in a few days?


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you very much cacowgirl  

I plan to write an entry/update later tonight, around 9:30, maybe a little earlier. I will talk more about riding her (among other things) gunslinger 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/27


Bolting, spooking, and rearing, oh my. Luna was definitely showing her age today :wink: I put her on the lunge line today. I was very happy I decided to wear my gloves and helmet. She trotted out okay, very fast and pulling to the outside. I bumped her a couple times and she would stop, but always went back to pulling. I don't mean leaning, I mean _pulling_. As in, enough to drag me forward three feet. Once her trot settled down a bit, I decided to ask for the canter. She bolted, and I held on, but I got dragged to the other end of the arena doing it. I managed to stay on my feet though. She only cantered one stride that time. She bolted almost every time I asked her to canter. But by the end of the session, I got her to canter a full circle :clap: Then I let her trot for a while, and then I walked her out. All in all, it was progress . 

Tomorrow, I'm not completely sure what I'm going to do. It depends on when I get to the barn and if someone is there. If not, I'm going to ride her at a walk and trot for 15-20 minutes and see how she handles it. I just hope no one shows up while I'm riding her (there's a trainer who automatically gets the arena to herself when she walks in, so whoever is in the arena has to stop what they're doing and leave. I know, not fair. But have to abide by the rules :-|) I also have to try on the bridle and bit I bought for her and make sure it fits before I ride...

She also might get her feet done tomorrow and if that happens I'm not going to work her. If I do ride her tomorrow, the next day I will just let her in the arena to roll and play by herself. Then I'll groom her and put her back in her stall and I'll just sit with her for a while. I want her to enjoy my company :hug: and not think I'm going to make her work super hard every time she sees me :lol:


Let me know what you think about our progress by replying 


Thanks for reading :wave:


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Sounds like great progress!

Just be careful riding her.. if it were me I'd spend a few more days or even 2 weeks on the ground gentling and sacking her out, working a little more on the lunge line so she could confidently walk, trot, and canter without bolting, switch directions, and stop.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

I definitely agree with you, Sky. I'm just concerned because she hasn't been ridden in over a month (the owner decided since I was taking her, she didn't have to ride her anymore :/ ) so I figured I should just get on her, even if it's just at a walk. Then I will spend more time on the lunge line working with voice commands and staying consistently at all three gaits... She also needs to be desensitized and de-spooked, which I will be working on when we're not lunging


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/28

I didn't get to ride Luna today because of the trainer I mentioned earlier. All I had time to do was some trot work on the lunge line. At the walk and trot she doesn't pull on the line at all, it's only at the canter because she bolts/panics. I wanted to work on her canter, but I knew I didn't have time today. So I only worked on her walk and trot for about fifteen minutes. Then I let her roll and groomed her in her stall. Then I tried my bridle out on her. The cavesson was way too small, so I took that off. Then the throatlatch was so short that I couldn't fasten it *eye roll*. I think it has to do with the structure of her face. The browband was sitting right on her temple, and it just looked weird and didn't fit. The bit seemed to fit her. She wouldn't open her mouth at first and then she knocked her teeth against it when she finally opened her mouth :-| But it looked about the right length and she flexed when I asked her to. So... I think I have to use an old nylon gaming bridle that I have. I'll use the reins from the bridle that didn't fit because I hate gaming reins, they're too short. I like the english reins much better. So hopefully that will fit her better.

I took some pictures of her in her stall after I groomed her. You can see how skinny and under developed she is...


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Poor girl.. but she's in good hands now! :hug:


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Definitely  Just can't believe how anyone could not feed their horses enough, especially this sweet girl...


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

I'm mentally kicking myself right now for not putting luna's blanket on her before I left. Its already cold and supposed to get colder and there has been thunder and lightning. All the horses are in the barn, thankfully. But still, the weather is really bad right now.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

sporthorsegirl said:


> Definitely  Just can't believe how anyone could not feed their horses enough, especially this sweet girl...


Me nether...she's such a sweet looking little filly.....but I do see her ribs now that you mentioned it.

Sounds like your making lots of progress pretty quick, one thing I've found to be true, you get out of a horse, what you put into it. Keep working with her, my guess is she'll make a fine horse.

How does she seem to be adjusting to her new home?


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

She is doing surprisingly well  I think she is happy to have her own stall (Yup, She had to share a stall with another horse before). And I think getting fed 2-3 times a day is helping too  I'm happy that she is adjusting so easily especially considering her past and the fact that there are two stallions in the barn and she is the only mare...


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

2/29


This will be a short post because I'm tired and getting sick... Luna got her feet done today. Took off her old shoes and is now barefoot. The farrier said as long as we keep a strict every six weeks trim schedule she should be fine. I watched one of the BO's lunge Luna (I didn't ask her to :? but I will take care of that) and she did well. There was not near as much bolting. There were a few bucks and rears, but nothing awful. I'm going to worm her tomorrow and see how that goes.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

I take it you don't really want the barn owner lunging her?.....Funny, I think I'd appreciate the extra effort provided I agreed with how they're doing it.

Horses sure love to eat, and I think they like the person that feeds them.

I leave my SSH mare barefooted and ride her in easy boots. We've had all the horses on a 6 week trim and shoe schedule, but I think I'm going to push it to 8 weeks and see how that works.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

I kind of agree with you.. I didn't want a soul lunging my horse at first because he was such a nutter butter case and we were working on trust.. too many people = too overwhelming.

But maybe when she's doing better it'd be good to have others work with her just to get her comfortable all over 

I hope the worming goes well


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/1

The fact is she's my horse and the BO should have asked my permission before working with her. I've had other people work with my horses before without asking my permission (and have ruined them) and I find it very offensive. She has only been here a few days, you can't expect her to be a complete angel...And for Gods' sakes she's only 5. I want her to learn from me, not someone else. The only reason she was so good with BO was because I worked her the previous day.

Anyway, that's my rant about that. I could write a lot more about it but I don't have time. I just got back from the barn and lunged her. She did great  Only one tiny bolt and no rearing or bucking. I desensitized her to the whip and could even crack it next to her without her walking away. Then I wormed her and she was an angel for that. Didn't even throw her head. Of course it helps that I'm pretty quick at it  Then I tried the nylon gaming bridle with some english reins and the double jointed snaffle on her and it fit really well. We did try to put her in the arena with another horse. She can kick. Almost got him right in the teeth. So not sure who I'm going to put her out with when they can be in the pasture. Overall, a very good day.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/2

I gave Luna a break from lunging today and decided to just groom and bond with her in her stall. And I found out she was in heat... Cue ears back and overall bitchiness. She wasn't that bad, but she was overly sensitive, especially near her face. I picked up her front foot to clean it and she jerked it around. I held onto it and picked it. Then I set it down when she was still. She slammed it down, but not on the hoof, right above it so that the hoof was still facing up. All I thought was, great. That better not be sore tomorrow. Then I picked the rest of her feet, being extra careful to set them down. So that's how that went. Hopefully she will be in a better mood tomorrow, because I will be lunging her. I plan to ride her on monday so that my mom can be there with me just in case I fall off or have any other problems (which I'm going to try to avoid). She's not a horse person at all, but if I need her to hold Luna I have taught her the basics.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/4


Not much to update. I've been working a lot, but I've still been able to go to the barn everyday. I lunged her yesterday and groomed her in her stall today. Tomorrow I'm going to ride her, hopefully the new saddle pad will work with my saddle. And hopefully my saddle still fits her, I tried it on her about a month and a half ago and it was an okay fit, definitely could have been better, but I don't have the money to buy a custom saddle. If I owned her I would scrounge/save up the money to get one but I can't do that for every horse I train :-| Although I have to say, if she is as good/easy to train under saddle as she is on the ground, I might buy her eventually  As long as I can find a college that will let me take her with me (and I can afford it). That's the only reason I haven't actually bought a horse yet. I have to say, I'm already attached to her and I think she is starting to trust me a lot more


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/6

Finally some good news... I rode Luna today  I just walked and trotted her for 20 minutes and it went pretty well. I got on her myself and she only moved a little bit (one step backwards). She only has a couple quirks we need to work on so far. 

1. Riding too close or too far away from the rail.

2. Does not respond to this bit as lightly as I expected her to. She tried to walk through it the first time I asked her to halt. The second time was much better though.

3. Inconsistent rhythm in the trot (and I'm sure the canter as well). 

These are a few of the things I'm going to work on under saddle with her. I also need to work on my seat position, I'm a little rusty. I saw the video and I was leaning too far back and my heels were in more of a dressage position (not down) than down like they should have been. I think I'm going to raise my stirrups if possible, I'm used to riding them much shorter. And the saddle pad I bought her is going to rub her hair out :-x I will try to put it up farther next time, but I don't want it to pull down on her withers (I always make the "pocket" and push the saddle pad up into the saddle gullet for more comfort). It was kind of weird because her neck was so close to the saddle. I'm used to riding really long backed big horses, so it was definitely different.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/10

Sorry I haven't updated in a few days. I've been so fraking tired and busy with work. And I've been sick, as usual. I rode Luna again yesterday (still at the walk and trot) and she did pretty well. The saddle pad didn't rub her so much because I put it more forward. She still has moments where she leans on the bit but when she does I cluck her forward and she puts her head up again in a few seconds. The only thing we had trouble with yesterday was getting her bridle on. She just moves her head away from me... But after eight minutes of insisting I finally got it on her. Today I just did some ground work with her and that went well too. I'm going to plan on riding her tomorrow and possibly working on her canter but it depends on if anyone is in the arena or not...


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/13


Soo... Kind of a lot to talk about. My doctor got my most recent blood tests back a while ago and I don't know exactly what, but she said there was something that wasn't there that basically rules out PCOS. I don't agree with her AT ALL. I have all the symptoms of PCOS, including the extremely high testosterone. But she referred me to an endocrinologist 3 hours away and my mom is going to make me an appointment. Just a reminder: I have been to endocrinologists before and they are completely useless. All this one's going to do is run MORE blood tests and they still won't do anything to help me. I think I just need some support... I've been going through this for 5 years now and I'm starting to lose hope that I will ever lose weight or be cured of my other problems. The only thing that really keeps me going is Luna, music, and of course, Battlestar Galactica. These last two weeks I have been soo tired. I haven't been this tired since I had mono a couple years ago. 

One song has been on repeat lately and there are some lines that really relate to how I'm feeling at the moment. It's Under The Water by The Pretty Reckless. You can listen to it here: 



 

_*Lay my head, under the water *_
_*Lay my head, under the sea *_

_*Don't let the water drag you down *_
_*Don't let the water drag you down *_
_*Don't let me drown *_
_*Don't let me drown in the waves *_
_*I could be found *_
_*I could be one who was saved *_

_*Lay my head*_
_*Under the water *_
_*Aloud I pray, for calmer seas*_
_*And when I wake from this dream*_
_*With chains all around me *_
_*No, I've never been*_
_*I've never been free*_
_*No, I've never been*_
_*I've never been free*_



The song is just amazing. I can really relate to it... Of course I can relate to all of her songs. I don't care what anyone says about Taylor, I will always love her 


Beware: Rant ahead.

On to a different topic... I was super ****ed off yesterday because I went to the barn and planned to ride Luna but I couldn't because someone was using the arena. She was acting her age and needed to be worked, so the BO suggested "we" lunge her outside. I said okay not knowing what I was getting myself into. She took Luna from me and led her outside. And she started lunging her. I thought okay... I'm her trainer, I'm supposed to be lunging her. She was lunging her in a really weird way too, she had her body turned to the side, not out in an "aggressive" stance. So Luna tried to come in because she thought that's what she wanted. The BO flung the extra part of the lunge rope at her and Luna reared. Eventually she went, but I was angry because she only did that because she was getting mixed signals. So she keep lunging her for about another 10 minutes and tells me to come over. I take the lunge line and think, finally, now go away, I have to get her listening to me. Not one minute later she comes back over and takes the line from me, telling me I'm holding it wrong, my body language is wrong, everything is wrong. Even more ****ed off, I walked away and watched her lunge her for another 15 minutes. Then she lets her walk for a minute and gathers up the line really tight and starts doing frigging "lateral movements" with her. She forces her head to the inside by holding it there and tapping her side with the whip to get her to "bend" to the inside and cross her front legs over. 

Keep in mind, this horse knows NOTHING. All I've been teaching her (and all she should be taught at this point) is giving to flexing, backing, and yielding her hind and forequarters and lunging. There is absolutely no reason she should be doing these supposed lateral movements. So she finally stops and heads over to me. She talks about how her top line isn't developed (no heck, she hasn't been worked properly a day in her life) and how the lateral movements are an essential part of her training (says who? Not at this level, they aren't) and how "we" (her and me?!?!) are going to "properly" train her (why don't you just say you think I'm doing a sh*tty job and you think that I know nothing?!?!). Then she looked at Luna, who was very distracted by because we were outside and there was a stallion not 30 feet away and said "She's not bonding at all right now". No heck she's not bonding right now, especially with you!!! And then she led her back to the barn like she was her horse and then I finally groomed her, more angry than I've been since I got her.

*Sigh*. If I had another place to keep her, I would have said something. But I can't afford to. Today the BO was dropping some things off in the barn and I was doing some groundwork with Luna (trying to undo all of the bad habits she already taught her, she wouldn't even back like I taught her to) and she was kind of snooping around asking what I was doing. My dad says she was just there to drop stuff off, but I know better. 

She's MY HORSE. MINE. Not yours. She's not yours to train, not yours to give opinions about, and go work YOUR OWN horses!!! You have three of them that you never work with!!! :evil:


Yup, I know. It's rant central tonight, but I'm still pretty ****ed because I know I can't do anything about it...


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Well sport horse girl, I guess the good new is you don't have PCOS, and the bad new is you still feel bad and the cause is yet to be determined.

I often ask young people if they know what the three greatest things in the world are, and now I ask you.

Do you know what the three greatest things in the world are?

I don't know what to tell you about the barn owner, but I think she's trying to help you, even though you didn't ask. Yea, she's wrong, but for the right reason? Does that make sense?

Back to the first part of your post, You are who you are, and god made you that way for a reason. Have faith, and maybe one day all of this will work itself out. Try not to worry about those things you have no control over.

I understand about the song.

*Aloud I pray, for calmer seas
And when I wake from this dream*
​You need to write your own lyrics here.

Hang in there.....you're going to be fine. I'm praying for you too....maybe between the two of us god will answer where you can hear.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Did you stop to consider that maybe it's you the BO wants to get to know better, and Luna is the way she's trying to get closer to you? I think she wants to be your friend. Yep, unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working.....think about it, she's got her own horses but chooses to try to help you when she could be working her own horses.....It's you she's interested in IMO.

Maybe just ask her, Why are you helping me?


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

You make some good points gunslinger  The three greatest things in the world? Well to me it's my family, my horse, and the fact that I'm still alive today. I think you are right about the BO and maybe I'm over reacting a bit... But still, if she understood how to actually help me she would compliment on how nice Luna acts when I work with her... But she doesn't. I'm not so angry about it today mostly because Luna did really great with her ground work today and I think that proves I am fully capable of training her myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yes, but the barn owner also has her own way. No one's perfect, and if you want a friend you'll need to learn to live with a few things. Maybe blow off the small stuff and talk to her more, ask her what you're doing right. 

The way I see it, it's free advice and you can choose to take it for what it's worth, or not. Everyone has an opinion about stuff, and each one has merit, whether we agree or not. I bet she doesn't realize she's making you angry.

Anger is one of the seven deadly sins. Master your anger and you master yourself. I struggle with this daily. 

Want to try again on the three greatest things in the world? I've spent a lot of my life trying to find the answer to this question and it was sooooo simple. 

I'm pretty crazy about my mare, and she's gave me many reasons to enjoy my time with her. You enjoy Luna and maybe the barn owner will enjoy you both.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

gunslinger said:


> Yes, but the barn owner also has her own way. No one's perfect, and if you want a friend you'll need to learn to live with a few things. Maybe blow off the small stuff and talk to her more, ask her what you're doing right. The way I see it, it's free advice and you can choose to take it for what it's worth, or not. Everyone has an opinion about stuff, and each one has merit, whether we agree or not. I bet she doesn't realize she's making you angry.



I know she has her own way of doing things, everyone does. So do I. I would be fine being her friend, but taking over my horses training without asking me first is unaccebtable. She only pointed out the things I did wrong (in her mind they were wrong, I know better) and did not compliment me on anything... Of course I wasn't expecting any compliments, but I was also not expecting her to think she was training Luna. That isn't small stuff to me personally. No, I don't think she realizes she making me angry, but I'm quite the actress, especially when it comes to hiding emotions. 




gunslinger said:


> Anger is one of the seven deadly sins. Master your anger and you master yourself. I struggle with this daily.
> 
> Want to try again on the three greatest things in the world? I've spent a lot of my life trying to find the answer to this question and it was sooooo simple.
> 
> I'm pretty crazy about my mare, and she's gave me many reasons to enjoy my time with her. You enjoy Luna and maybe the barn owner will enjoy you both.



For those who read the bible and are religious, yes anger is one of the seven deadly sins. For me, my anger is most likely part of my flawed psyche. I was told a couple times I might be bipolar. And considering that, I think I handle my anger very well.

I think I'll pass on guessing what the three greatest things in the world are. To me, the greatest things in the world are my family, my horse, and the fact that I'm still alive today. 

I think the barn owner enjoys seeing me with her, but I just wish that she could just leave the training to me. And I'm not going to say anything to her because she'll get offended and kick me out of the barn. I think I'll just figure it out as I go.


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## attackships (Jan 12, 2012)

i know how you feel, when you're young sometimes people take advantage and think that they can take control of the situation without asking. sometimes they just assume you have no idea what youre doing. it would irritate me too if someone kept schooling my horse without me knowing, especially if they had different methods than me. 

I'm not sure what she thought you were doing wrong, but I think talking to her about it a little will help a lot. You don't have to be confrontational, but I think you should tell her that you don't want to send luna mixed signals and that you would prefer to be the only one working her to keep everything the same. And mention that you are uncomfortable with someone else handling her without you knowing. I doubt sshe is trying to make you angry, plenty of people would love the extra help! 

if she says "you're doing this and this wrong" and tries to take control, just let her know that you've done your research and it's how you'd like to do things. I think she should back off unless you are putting yourself or the horse in danger, after all, it's your horse not hers!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

I completely agree with you attackships. I'm just worried that if I say anything she will get offended. She's the kind of horse person who thinks she knows almost everything and gets easily offended if told otherwise... But I have done my research and I do have plenty of experience. And it's odd because the day she "took over" and grabbed the lunge line from me Luna wasn't doing anything wrong, she was just acting her age... But she must have seen something that was wrong in her opinion and automatically decided that I didn't know what I was doing. Obviously Luna was going to act like a nutcase, we were outside and there was a stallion calling to her not 30 feet away..,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/18

I've had a rough couple of days. Not just rough, I... Can't really explain it until you hear the story. On friday I went to the dentist and it was a living nightmare. I was already nervous because of previous experiences with other dentist, but this topped them all. I thought I only had one cavity, but it turns out I had three small ones, all on my left side. I told him that I wanted to get them all done that day because we had to drive three hours to get there and I just wanted it done. I got some nitrous oxide but it didn't do anything for me. I thought it would get me high and make me relax, but all it did was make my hands stop shaking so bad. 

Anyway, they gave me about three minutes for the nitrous to start kicking in and I said it wasn't doing anything so they turned it up a little. I said it still wasn't doing anything and asked them to turn it up more and they said it was turned up as far as it would go. Then he started to "numb" me. I was okay for the first two injections, they were painful but tolerable. But on the third one I just freaked out and screamed and cried out of pain. It was some of the worst pain I ever felt and I have a high pain threshold (numerous piercings). 

At least my mom was there with me, she just held put hand on my leg while I was screaming. At this point, he's given me four injections. Finally the hygenist tells him to give me a break. And he leaves for a minute and she's telling me to calm down because if my nose gets stuffed up the nitrous won't work which makes me cry even harder because if it was working I wouldn't be in so much pain. He comes back and gives me another injection (the fifth) and this one feel like someone took a nail and hammered it as hard a they could into my tooth. And at this point I'm begging and pleading for him to stop, that I'll do anything just please stop but he says just one more, even though it wasn't. And I'm reminded of all the movies I've seen where the villains are torturing the hero to get information and the hero is pleading with them to just stop the torture and that was exactly how I felt. It was first class torture. By the time he's finished he's given me seven total injections and my brain had shut down. Whenever I'm in a stressful situation involving myself (just me, not a group of people. when there's a group I take over the leadership role) my brain just shuts down and I can't talk or do anything, almost catatonic. I think it's a defense mechanism because of the shock mentally and physically. 

So they fixed the cavities within a few minutes and they sat me up. That was the only time I ever felt the nitrous, my head was foggy and I waited for it to fade. My mom asked if I could see her clearly and I blankly said yes. We got up, made another appointment for a cleaning in three months and left. We got in the car and I hugged the pillows that I'd brought from home in case I wanted to sleep. I never did. She asked if I was okay and I just started crying again. We got back on the road. She said at least it's over. But it wasn't (isn't) over for me. We went to the feed store to buy grain. I didn't wear my sunglasses. I didn't care what people thought. I looked at the ducklings and chicks. It was the first time I smiled all day. We left and started back home.


So it's been a couple days and my mouth is still screwed up. I can't open my jaw (tmj) and my cheek and teeth still hurt. I keep reliving the pain and torture from that day and I just can't get rid of it. Today I stupidly baked cupcakes, thinking I had the self control not to eat more than three of them. But I kept thinking back to the dentist and before I knew it I had eaten eight. It's one of my worst binges yet. I don't purge, by the way. But I know, it will be just my luck and I'll gain 10 pounds. I can't help thinking it's not my fault, that I just went through a horrible experience and I'm traumatized. But I won't be baking anything else anytime soon. I just wish I could forget it... It might make me stronger in the end, but I don't want to keep have flashbacks of the pain and agony. I can feel the depression coming back to play, digging me a hole six feet under. 

And I refuse to let it lure me back in
But I can't help feeling this is the end

There's some original lyrics for you. No stealing, I will hunt you down :evil:


I don't think my mom understands I'm still thinking about the dentist, mostly because I haven't told her. I just don't want to think about it anymore than I have to... I'm hoping it will get better soon. I know it will be forever burned in my mind, but I don't want to have to relive it every few minutes, that's not fair. I think my mind is still trying to process what happened, and maybe reliving it is part of healing the trauma/shock. I can't just put a band aid on it and pretend it never happened.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Wow, I had a similar experience with the dentist as very young boy. I always had a fear of them until I met a dentist in a bar. I picked up my drink and moved to the other end of the bar which spurned a conversation and he wound up fixing all my teeth. I told him what happened to me as a kid and he promised he understood and would work with me....

Man, I inhaled a lot of nitrus....ahh..O2....comfortably numb....when he left the room, I reached back and turned it up myself. Went through a whole tank....was he ****ed? Made me pay for another one.....

You need to talk to your mother and the dentist, I waited to long to address my fear of the dentist and wound up with a mouth full of crowns.

So, you're not the first one to go through this. Hope you can deal with it now and not do what I did.

Never really had a weight problem, but I am trying to lose 10 pounds or so.....tough for me to do it....glad I don't have to lose a lot of weight.

What's going right for you? How are you and Luna making it? She's a good looking colt.....stuff dreams are made of.....and books wrote about. You still working with her aren't you?


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

That is a horrible experience. So sorry that happened to you. The last dentist I went to was extremely nice, very gentle,I would have loved to keep going to him, but now I've moved over 300 miles away,so not really feasaible. Talk to others & see if you can get a recomendation from someone you know. you already have quite a drive, but maybe you could find a nicer one. I certainly hope so.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Yes I'm still working with her, thankfully. She is one of the reasons I wake up in the morning, she's my angel. I couldn't go up to see her today, and I probably shouldn't have because I was in a bad mood anyway, and I don't want her to think I'm mad at her. I'll go see her tomorrow, I plan on riding her which I haven't done often (just the two previous times). The thing about the dentist is- they claimed to be the kind of establishment that helps you work out your fear of the dentist and that they didn't use shots or drills. That's the reason I went there in the first place. Talk about false advertising. They did everything single thing to me they said that they didn't do. It really ****es me off.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yea, well, don't give up on dentist, just look for one you can trust.

I look forward to seeing my mare and wife's two horses every day.

If I'm mad, when I see her I seem to get over it. She's my release, and I seldom ever get angry with her.

To me, a bad day turns into a good day as soon as I'm with my horse. Strange, I never thought a horse would do that for me, but the more I work with her the more I enjoy her. If I can't get her to do exactly what I want her to, I figure she would I she only knew what I wanted. I have to think like a horse and I'm still learning too. I figure the horse is smarter than me, and I'm the one that can't communicate with her.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

3/22


I finally rode Luna today, and it went pretty good. She still tries to push through her bridle, but I just cluck once or twice to her and she stops. Of course she does it again not three minutes later. She also wants to be too far away from the rail on one side of the arena, and too close on the other side. Not sure why, probably just a bad habit. She doesn't respond well to pressure when going faster than a walk, again, probably a bad habit and she's still very green. She's only been ridden in an arena a few times in her whole life. After I warmed her up, I decided to try cantering her. At first she just trotted very fast and I put more pressure on her and she bucked once or twice. Then I tried again. One buck, one canter stride (wrong lead, of course). Then on the third of fourth time I tried, she cantered four strides, with no bucking, just fast trotting like before, and on the wrong lead  But it's progress. The owner claimed she was "trained" to walk trot and canter, but obviously that was just on the trail where cantering was just a kick and go as fast as you can. 

I'm thinking with her, she just needs to practice cantering because she's so green.. She does it just fine on the ground (and usually on the right lead) she just needs to learn how to do it in an arena and with someone on her back. 

Here are a couple pictures. The first one is when I got her almost a month ago. The second one is from yesterday (she rubbed out a spot by her eye). She looks SO much better... She's gained weight and I can't believe how much her tail has grown!


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Find a sedation dentist. They'll load you up with xylezine (sp?), xanax, valium and something else. You will not remember a THING once the pills kick in. It makes you sleep for a few hours afterwards. I had a broken tooth not that long ago which required a root canal and crown, but they couldn't do either because I had an impacted wisdom tooth. Ended up getting a root canal one week and the wisdom tooth removed in the next and the crown installed in the third. I remember going to the dentist and going inside, sitting down, taking the pills, waiting, next thing I remember is waking up at home in bed. Lovely thing sedation dentistry!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

DancingArabian- If I could find one, I would go. But the closest one is 7 hours from where I live  But If I ever need anything more than a small cavity fixed again, I will definitely go. It would be worth the drive and money to avoid that torture again. I would just have to save some money because it costs at least $400 at the closest place...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/2

It's been awhile since I've posted, I know. A lot has happened. A lot. I've changed. For better, mostly. I think. 

I have been sucked into the Hunger Games insanity. I saw the movie twice, and finished all three books in less than three days. They changed me, just as Battlestar Galactica did. For the better. I see Katniss in me now, even more than I saw Starbuck (of course, I see some of her in me too, but not as much as I see Katniss). It gives me newfound confidence, bravery, and hope. More than I've had in a long, long time. 

I don't think I've ever mentioned my hair color, as it isn't all that important because you can't see me. I'm a natural brunette, but I've been blonde for this whole past year. I cut my hair very very short (completely off my neck) and kept it that way the whole year. Awhile after I finished Mockingjay yesterday afternoon, I glanced at myself in the mirror. I saw a girl trying to find herself. And she looked very pretty and convincing as a blonde, but she knew that wasn't who she really was. And it was time to stop hiding. She decided to grow her hair out, went to the store, bought a box of hair dye, took a shower, looked in the mirror, and found a piece of herself again. She knew people would annoy her with their stupid questions, but she doesn't care. It isn't what pleases them that matters.

So that's what happened yesterday. A few days before that, I got some pretty shocking news. A girl I knew pretty well killed herself. Let's call her Dee. This is how I found out/some backstory. 

I was sitting on the couch, just in the second chapter of the hunger games. My dad answers his phone. Talks for five minutes, hangs up and looks at me.

"You know that girl you said you hated? That you were in all those plays with? Yeah, she's dead."

I stopped reading, looked up at him quizzically. He could only mean Dee. But I never said I hated her. That was my very first thought.

"What?" I said to him.

"Yeah, she killed herself" My breath caught in my throat. I had seen her only two days ago, looking as she normally did (only she wasn't as high as usual. it was hard to tell what she was using, but most likely prescription drugs she had access to). Of course I hadn't spoken to her in many months because of a certain incident. It's hard to explain fully, but I'll try. Let me take you back.

It was play practice. About a year ago. We were sitting in the audience, watching the others rehearse. We were talking. Not really talking. I don't know what were talking about. But I had always figured she had a crush on me (purely physical, not a normal relationship type crush, at least I think) because of the way she would always get close to me. Too close for comfort. My dad was sitting one row behind us. I can't remember why I wasn't sitting with him... Anyway, Dee started to whisper things in my ear, what I can't remember. I sat there awkwardly, not sure what to do. I just remember feeling her tongue on my ear. I sat back, away from her and warned her not to do that. She did it again. I lightly clipped her jaw with my fist, purely out of instinct. And play practice ended. She didn't seem offended. I was in shock. There were no words in my normally full brain. I got in the car with my dad and didn't say anything. He said "you stood up for yourself, you did great, I was about to tell her to knock it off" or something like that. I said "I can't believe she did that" He said "well, she has a hard life, and she isn't sure of herself" and that was the end of that. I threw out the leather jacket I had on that night. I haven't worn a leather jacket since then. At the next practice, it was like it never happened. She talked as if it never happened, and I basically avoided her. She eventually got the message and we stopped talking...

Just had a flashback while I was writing. I can't believe I didn't remember until now... On the first or second play practice Dee and I were talking, again about what I can't remember. Drawing, passing notes. And then she sent me this one note... It said something like "You are so beautiful, don't forget that. I love you, you are loved- Dee". And I looked at her and said thank you, very sweetly. She smiled and said your welcome. I threw the note out after the incident above. I can't believe I didn't save it... Now she's gone forever. 

Back to how I found out

My dad sat down next to me and said "It was probably an overdose. We know she had access to that kind of stuff" He said it softly, almost as if he was sorry about how coldly he announced her death to me. All I could think was I never said I hated her. That what I wanted to say. Instead I said 

"I saw her two days ago. She was fine." I wasn't crying, or upset. Just shocked. She hadn't really ever been my friend. But I think I knew her better than most people did. My dad didn't say anything. I went back to reading. I later learned that she hung herself. She left a picture of a gay person hanging themselves with her writing scrawled on it saying "It's not worth it".

I know I probably couldn't have saved her in the end. And I still keep thinking of how I never said I hated her and if I hadn't been as strong as I am, that could have been me. I could have been dead a long time ago, and now I'm glad I survived. I wouldn't have been her girlfriend, but I might have been able to be her friend in some other scenario. But I can't play the what if game now. I won't. I just won't.

The hunger games books have helped take my mind off everything. And I'm very grateful for that. I'm also grateful they helped me find a missing piece of myself this week, through all of this. And as my hair grows out, I will see more and more of Katniss reflecting back at me in the mirror. I already see so much of her... Maybe other people will see it too.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Wow! A lot of changes-you sound strong. Keep believing in yourself.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks cacowgirl 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

You still haven't figured out the three greatest things in the world have you Sportsgirl?

Life's a secret only reviled a moment at a time.

Life turns on a moments notice, and like Margret Mitchel wrote on the last page of "Gone With the Wind", Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

One has to be strong enough to realize how much pleasure life brings.

Sorry about your friend, my son died the same way about 5 years ago. He was 31 years old, and loved beyond belief. That, forever changed me, and his mom.

There's so much left in life Sports girl, just enjoy the moment and be happy with who you are, but know, people change, and the person you are today won't necessarily be the same person even a few weeks or months, let alone years, down the road.

I've felt, that sense his death, some how I've failed, because the one thing I couldn't teach him was how to grow old and be happy.

You've peered into my soul, and seen the things that haunt me.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/12

I know I haven't updated in a long while. And I wanted to but I've just been too tired and didn't know what to write. I still don't. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

I hope you're doing well 

And Luna too of course!



sporthorsegirl said:


> 4/12
> 
> I know I haven't updated in a long while. And I wanted to but I've just been too tired and didn't know what to write. I still don't. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Hope Luna is working hard for you. I've got to say, I've missed you posting, good to see a post.

How is Luna by the way?


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/13

Luna is doing well, but I haven't done as much schooling with her as I'd like. The reason being that the BO's threatened to raise my board another $50 unless I come and clean her stall every morning. Which honestly, really ****es me off because it only takes me 10 minutes to clean her stall. They were complaining that she is "too active" in her stall, making it messy. Well, I get her out and work her almost every day. I can't do anything else, and I can't control what she does when I'm not there. And I have no problem whatsoever mucking stalls or doing hard work (I like it, actually), but still. Seems a little over the top. Not that I can do anything about it. Which is what bothers me the most. I can't say anything, because they get easily offended and I'm not going to risk getting kicked out. 

And then there's the appointment I had on tuesday. My dad took me because my mom had to work. I wanted my mom to go because she usually goes with me. It was a new doctor, endocrinologist that I was referred to. It was one of the worst appointments I've been to. The doctor turned out to be a disgusting creep 85 year old man. So. There I am, sitting to the left of my dad and this doctor next to me on his computer in the white, claustrophobic room. He asks me the worst questions. Worse than I thought it would be. Asking about when I hit puberty (10), about my periods (endless questions about that, and not just about what time of the month they are), about if I developed pubic hair early (I lied and said no, then he turns to my dad and says "She would have been out 6 or 7. Do you remember anything like that?" I was like what the f*ck?!?! ) And so on. Then he tells me that I have to go off BC for two whole months to get "accurate" blood tests. And of course I said "Well, one of the reasons I was put on BC was because I get very bad cramps" And he said "So they basically put you out of commission?" I said, "Yeah.". And that was the end of that. I have to be off it for 2 months until after the blood work, that's it... Doesn't matter about the pain, or what I want. 

Throughout the whole appointment, I was absent. Some other part of me that I'm not familiar with took over and did the speaking for me. I didn't speak to my father in the car to the restaurant. The normal me came back and drifted into a catatonic state (just like the dentist). We ate, and we talked a little. I told him "I hope you understand that I don't want you coming to my appointments anymore". He just said he understood and some other stuff that isn't relevant. 

So. I'm just trying to forget about it. But I can't. This may sound bad, but I really hope that doctor dies before my next appointment. Yeah, that sounds pretty bad... Oh well. Bought Rise Against's The Sufferer and The Witness album, so I'm trying to focus on that. I'm also writing some fanfiction for The Hunger Games Trilogy and Firefly. And this is when I'm so grateful for these. My escapes from reality.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Yea, I can see where that would be somewhat embarrassing. Maybe this old creepy guy has a lot of experience and can help find you some relief. I hope so.

Other than mucking out the BO's stalls, ya'll getting along a little better yet?

Rode Luna any?

The wife and I are headed out later this morning, it's quite nice here, blue skys, bright sunshine and around 75 expected for a high today. We had three of the six grandkids over easter and haven't rode in a couple of weeks now.

I think there will be six of us riding today so it should be a fun day. We were planning on riding the national forest but one of the ladies fell off her horse a few weeks ago and wanted a little easier ride so we're headed to the battlefield.

How about you, you do any trail riding around your area?


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

No, there are no trails in my area... It would be nice to have some though. Not really getting along any better with the BO... I just try to keep to myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/17

Nothing much has happened since I last posted... I did ride Luna on sunday. My dad came with me (first time he's seen me ride her). Of course, this is the day she decides to act extra mareish. She usually doesn't do anything, even when she's in heat. I free lunged her for just a few minutes before tacking up. It went pretty well, she was responsive. Then I went to tack her up and she switched personalities on me. Ears flat down, giving me the evil eye (and I mean evil), threatening to bite, being cinchy, etc. She got a few smacks on the neck for that. I'm not going to let her turn into a dangerous horse. I was just disappointed in her and angry as well (I try to keep that in check as much as possible). So I get on her (it took me a couple tries) and she walks. 10 steps later, she refuses to walk and kicks out after I insist that she go forward. My heels tell her that I'm serious, she kicks out again and then she walks on. There wasn't much resistance after that.

I just kept telling myself that it's typical green horse behavior (because it is) but the way she acted when I was tacking up reminded me of why I will never buy a mare as my own personal training/competition horse (well, I won't say never. But I'd rather not, unless they have the attitude of a good gelding). The riding was okay (just walk and trot), I thought I handled that fine. Next time I ride (should be this weekend) I'll work her more when I lunge her.

It's odd, I wasn't doubting (can't think of a better word) the fact that Luna and I got along together and that I was doing a good job with her training until one of the BO's came up to me while I was cleaning her stall (about 5 days ago) and said how I should keep looking for a horse, there's a better horse out there for me, I need a horse with more training, etc. I was kind of shocked, actually. I never complained about her lack of training, I'm working on it. I've only had her for almost 2 months. I didn't really say anything... The things people say. They just don't get it. I know he is trying to be helpful, but it's not his place to help. My dad has this theory that the BO's want a barn filled with perfect horses and perfect boarders and everything to be perfect. And I think he's right. They just don't understand that life isn't like that, especially when it comes to business and horses.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/19

http://www.horseforum.com/horse-training/disrespectful-heat-mare-120551/#post1462744

That's my post for today...


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## torty (Dec 14, 2011)

Subbing


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/21

A lot has happened since I last posted. A lot. I think the easiest way for me to say it is to put it in a list and then explain it. First, let me say that there are two BO's, a married couple. We'll call the wife Des (this is the woman who had lunged Luna a few weeks ago) and the husband Kal.

1. The BO's asked the other boarder at the barn to leave.

She and I are the only two boarders. Her gelding is very destructive in his stall and obviously isn't happy. The woman has no clue about horses. She knows how to tack up, kick to go, and that's it. No idea about body language, animal or human. She is also extremely defensive, doesn't know how to be flexible, demands that she have the arena at a certain time every day, etc. Just doesn't try to get along with anyone or follow rules or etiquette. So the BO's basically told her that she has to be out of the barn by july and she threw a complete fit, crying and all. I did not think this would affect me, but then I started to think about it...

2. The BO's bought a new filly and gelding, and one of their mare's is going to give birth next week.

That's when I started to think about them asking the other boarder to leave. They only have two empty stalls. I did the math. They weren't going to have space for Luna. They saw that I had figured this out (I think my eyes widened quite a bit) and Des started talking. She said that they would be willing/had been wanting to geld their lusitano/andalusian stallion Centenario. And that I could lease him after he is gelded, if I wanted to. It would allow me to have a well trained horse that was already at the barn and they would have the stall space they needed. 

3. I figured out that if I did say no to the lease, I would have to give back Luna eventually anyway, because of the space issue. It is saddening, but I really don't have a choice and have to make do with what's given to me. I said I would give it a try and that I was excited. Who wouldn't be, he's a $30,000 horse! Not that I care about how much money he's worth (I'm not that kind of horse person) but I've never ridden a horse "worth" that much money before... 

I'm not sure when they are planning to geld Centenario. But it will probably be within a few months, maybe sooner. Luna's owner is coming to the barn tomorrow to visit and I'm going to ride her. I'll probably end up riding Centenario as well, to see how he goes. Wish me luck...


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## VT Trail Trotters (Jul 21, 2011)

Wow im seeing this thread late!  But congrats on it all Sport! I got a bone tumor for my 16th bday, but you got a fine horse there


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks Seth  Sorry about your tumor, it will all work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WesternBella (Jan 7, 2012)

I loved reading this, you have a wise soul.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks Bella 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WesternBella (Jan 7, 2012)

No problem, good luck with everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VT Trail Trotters (Jul 21, 2011)

sporthorsegirl said:


> Thanks Seth  Sorry about your tumor, it will all work out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Youre welcome  Its ok, i live with the pain, and i really hope it does! Its messing up lots of things right now and i need to have it fixed soon!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

4/22

I'm not going to lie, I have spent the last 3 hours crying my eyes out. And that doesn't happen to me very often. Luna's owner came to the barn today and we explained to her that there is no room in the barn and that she will have to take her back. She said that would be fine, she wanted to breed her. I was happy with that. Not 30 minutes later she calls my mom and says there is a person who wants her for 4-h (remember how I was still teaching this horse to canter because she's so green!!!). Mom said okay and hung up. I didn't get it... Why would she change her story all of a sudden? I thought she was going to breed her... 

Then we came home and an hour later she calls back and says that she showed Luna to the people and they RODE her (just walk and trot, I don't think they understand that she's green). And they're taking her away tomorrow morning. It all happened so fast... Why does this have to happen to me?!? I wanted a week to say good bye to her, now I'll only have a few minutes... Now I'm crying again. 

Right after Luna leaves my mom and I are driving 7 hours for a conference she has. We'll be gone until friday. I hope getting out of this gorram town will take my mind off things. 

Of course, I will never forget you Luna. I will always love you, even though I only knew you for a short time. And even though you were kind of a ***** to me more than a couple of times... It doesn't matter. It just doesn't. I will say my short goodbye tomorrow, my love. And I will probably see you again someday, and I hope you become the horse I know you can be, even without me by your side. I love you.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Is Luna your free lease horse or what? I'm a little confused.

But hey, life changes all the time! I'm sure the time you spent with Luna was wonderful and you taught her a lot. I hope her new home treats her as well as you did and that you have fun with your potential new horse


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Yes, I took her in because the owner couldn't afford to feed her and she wanted her trained as well. Yes, life changes constantly, it's just hard when someone you love leaves and you can't do anything but say I love you and goodbye...


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Yes, life is constantly changing & many times we have little control over what is happenning to us. But-you will have another horse in your life-enjoy the adventure!


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks cacowgirl 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Things of the world never last. All things come and go. People come and go, horses come and go, even the mountains will eventually go.

Live life not in the physical world, but rather, in the spiritual world as it's the only one that last forever.

That said, as man is made from the dust of the ground, there is forever a bond with the physical world, one that's only broke at the end of life, yet the spirit lives on.

Still haven't figured out the 3 greatest things in the world have you?

Sorry to see Luna go, I know how much you enjoyed her.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

*Every Ending is The Start of a New Beginning*

4/26

It seems that I have reached the end of this chapter and am about to begin a new one. Luna left a few days ago. I took her to the end of the arena where the mirrors are so that we could have our short goodbye alone. She stared at me through the mirror, for once. She would normally be obsessed at looking at herself. We stood there for a minute. Normally she would want to leave. This time she didn't. Then she put her head against my chest and left it there. I cried. She had never been so affectionate. She knew she was leaving. This was her goodbye to me. It was comforting and painful to know that she would not forget me. We stood silently for just a couple more precious minutes, and then I led her outside. I told her, "Wo ai ni". I gave her to her owner and she stepped halfway into the trailer and looked back at me. "Do you really want me to go?" I clucked to her and nodded my head. She stepped the rest of the way into the trailer and didn't look back. 

I get to visit her next week. I miss her a lot... More than a lot. I will never look at a palomino without thinking of her. She was one of the best horses I ever had, even though she was difficult more than a couple of times. Wo ai ni, Luna. I will never forget you.

I will be starting a new thread if you still wish to follow me on my journey.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm glad you had the time for a heartfelt good-bye.Cyber- Hugs coming your way.


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## sporthorsegirl (Jun 3, 2011)

Thanks Cacowgirl, I need all I can get 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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