# I have kind of stopped talking



## ClearDonkey (Nov 27, 2016)

-hugs- 

I empathize so much with you, Avna. I have been suffering chronic pain pretty much since right before I moved my horses to a stable that is much closer to me than my previous, and comes with all of the amenities I wanted. I have access to tons of trainers now, and could be showing every weekend if I wanted, and I have the time to ride most days, but I just don't. I spend nearly every day managing the pain I have, and have pretty much accepted that there is not a fix, just a management plan. Even with pain medication, the chances of the pain being eliminated on bad days is a crap shoot.

And the fatigue that comes with it? Just knowing that this is probably the rest of my life? It's crippling. The bad weeks where the pain just doesn't cease, and combined with the stressors of the world, I become exhausted. I cry and beg to fall asleep, so I can feel rested enough to want to do something after working all day. I've been waiting years to have the perfect situation where I can get back to competing and enjoying my horses often, not every once-in-a-while, and I just can't do it. There have been days where I have to beg my SO to do everything in his power to not impede my sleeping, and sometimes I know some of my requests are just ridiculous, but not being able to feel rested is so destructive to a person.

So, I didn't mean to make this about me, but I just want you to know you are not alone. Please do not hesitate to message privately, I'm sure we both are experiencing many of the same feelings. I'm rooting for you to do what you can, despite your difficulties with chronic fatigue, and being able to accept the times that you cannot. -hugs-


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

I am sorry that you are suffering. It really isn't easy when your body is fighting you. 

I know it is so irritating when people say this, but - just look at it from the positive side. You have ALL of that to enjoy.

Just to give you a bit of a chuckle, my plan when I got my horse was to trail ride on my own and to learn falconry and buy a hawk and to go hunting with my horse and my hawk. Right... Anxiety put a swift stop to my dreams. Now we do circles in the arena. I love circles. I love circles. I love circles. I really, really do...

I wish you all the best, and, again, I am sorry that you are suffering.


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

@Avna You probably heard all of this before and tried it but have they checked you diet properly? Allergies can contribute alot to fatigue. Also chronic fatigue is curable to an extent if you are quick to react to it. There is cutting edge research done on that!! (They look at markers in your saliva eg). I cannot explain fully in a public forum but I kinda bounced back from a horrible period and I really believe chronic fatigue is a result of a mix of factors... I hope doctors will take it more seriously and do even more research so people can be helped and cured fully.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I don't know what your GP thinks about your current state of health, I can't say that I've honestly found them to be much use in things like this, but have they run a full blood test?

Some vitamin and mineral deficiencies than cause chronic fatigue and not necessarily related to a poor diet - I have to take a really high dose of B12 every day or have injections to keep the deficiency side effects under control but the deficiency isn't diet related in terms of poor diet.

Thyroid imbalances can cause fatigue.

Untreated Lyme Disease can cause fatigue.

Lastly - depression can cause fatigue. Its so easy to deny depression by telling yourself that you have no reason to feel depressed then you end up feeling guilty about being depressed and that makes you more depressed.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

Hugs to you Avna. I agree with Jaydee. For me it is a genetic mutation that affects another of the Bs. Too much as recommended by my doctor because of the belief you just pee them out meant far reaching side effects from toxic levels that have had a huge impact on my well being and didn't cure the problems I was having because of not having enough so having deficiency issues along with other problems related. Do I need more than the typical person because of the mutation. Yes. But a different form, significant reduction in what is prescribed for the condition and monitoring levels has kept me where I need to be. It has also brought some of the damage under control.



I think looking outside the box can sometimes offer solutions that if not cure at least mediate. I've found that looking to other cultures and nations has provided insight that our medical professionals just don't have. Much of it having to do with other traditional practices that have been around for thousands of years. I have found blending those with western medicine can provide relief for me.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

@Avna, my heart is with you. I got CFS in my early 30's and strugglied with it for years. My good friend used to say it is not chronic fatigue syndrome, it stands for "constantly feeling sh%^y." It is a real downer and super hard to deal with. The worst was that people just didn't understand why I was so wimpy. They just got annoyed with me when I couldn't keep up.

I liked thinking about famous productive people who also struggled with it. Some examples are Lauren Hillenbrand, the author of Seabiscuit and Unbroken. Lauren was often so ill, she could not get out of bed, but she researched her subjects from bed. Cher, Michelle Akers, and Ricky Carmichael are some of many. In fact, here is the list of famous people who have struggled with CFS

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_with_chronic_fatigue_syndrome

I figured I would have to deal with it my whole life, but the good news for me was that it finally got less and less until I have only about 2 flare-ups a year. It took a very long time, though, and it is a lousy illness because many folks have no clue about what is going on for you. Lots of people support you and value you. Thanks for being our Avna.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

@Avna your post made me sad. Not because you asked for sympathy but because through this forum I have always enjoyed your posts and your determination in caring for your animals. I cannot relate nor do I have advice for dealing with CFS. I have horrible Osteoarthritis and am waiting for my second hip replacement. Most likely knees to follow next year. Chronic pain has been my constant companion for more years than I care to count. I can understand the feeling of being defeated before you start - or knowing that you will pay for whatever you do in the end.

Hugs to you my friend. Your post was so well written and resonates with so many.


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## JCnGrace (Apr 28, 2013)

I'm sorry for your health issues. Most important is for you to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to feel the best you can.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I thank everyone for their well wishes and thoughts. I really do appreciate it particularly because I'm aware it all comes off as whining. At least to me it sure does.

I'll just respond to all the people who think there is something I haven't tried: probably not.

Yes, I've had a full blood work-up, way beyond the regular blood panel, special lab work, everything. Sleep disorder? No, did the sleep test. Will acupuncture, graduated exercise, meditation, naturopathic medicine, homeopathy, special diets, vitamins, chemicals, herbs, toxin cleansing, positive thinking, or invoking native deities with chanting and smoke have any effect at all? No.

I've been so far outside the box I could see the earth rise from behind the moon. Nothing works. 

I am not depressed (angry and despairing, yes, but those are quite different), so antidepressants don't help. I do not have low thyroid, and as far as Lyme goes, I do have Lyme antibodies, it was undiagnosed and untreated, it was probably the precipitating factor, but at this point, probably fifteen years later, it is apparently not treatable. In any case, I do not tolerate a lot of medications including many antibiotics (one doctor tried a course of whatever they treat Lyme with, I gave up after one dose). They make me really sick. They didn't before, now they do.

In fact, one of the accompanying symptoms is that I have become generally sensitive to, I kid you not, everything. I was always a kind of sensitive person but now, loud music, a busy store, a grain of sand in my sock, biting down on a piece of gristle, a stranger standing too close to me, the smell of gasoline, being too hot or too cold, you name it, and I feel like I am going to scream or jump out of my skin. I know this is too much information. And I know it's irritating to everyone else, like I'm this precious flower too delicate for this world. I hate being a precious flower. 
@knightrider, yes that is one of the really difficult parts, the way no one seems to get it. My family of origin, for example, refuses to even remember it after more than a decade ("what, tired again? How come you're so tired?"), some of them insinuating I am just pretending to be tired to get out of family obligations (why 3000 miles is just about the right distance from them). The only friends who sympathize are those with chronic medical problems of their own. The healthy simply do not recognize it. I fully admit being tired sure sounds a lame excuse for not showing up, joining in or signing up. I cannot guarantee I will be well enough to do anything at all, so I can't make plans or commit to anything. I can't volunteer to help, I can't say gosh, thanks for inviting me I'd love to. I have had to bail so many times and I hate, I cannot say how much I hate, letting people down or breaking a promise. 

Really though, if trailering my horse was as simple as throwing my tack into my truck, loading up, sailing down the road, and unloading at my destination with my calm horse, my life with horses would no doubt be different. Of course, to me, planning is stressful, driving is stressful, going to a new destination is stressful, driving even an empty trailer is stressful, so adding a jumpy horse who bangs around destroying things inside my trailer and unloads soaking wet, is just the weight on top of all the other weights that topples the whole edifice to the ground. 

What helps is acceptance. Continually reminding myself that what others find challenging I often find impossible, and what they find pleasantly stimulating I find overwhelming, and what they find normal I find challenging, and that is not going to be altered by wanting it to not be true. It is only dispiriting to want things I can't have, to keep trying and failing. Not good at failure. Instead, guiding myself only by what I can do, not what others can, nor what I used to be able to do, nor what I so wish I could it seems my wishes must make it so. My wishes will not cure me. 

What else helps: eating well, getting enough sleep, are foundational to any hope of functionality. Never doing two things without a rest in between them. Planning for a day of doing virtually nothing after what normal people call a normal day. Taking time for beauty -- watching the fireflies, the clouds, the birds at the feeder. Avoiding stress as much as it is possible to do. Not attempting what is too hard. When I am forced to abandon projects in the middle and let them die, it just breaks my spirit. Accepting that everything I do goes slowly, that I can get a moderate amount done if I do a little bit at a time. When I get to ride my horse it always makes me happy. Even with all the &*#@ deerflies right now. Still makes me happy.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

No not whining. An honest and soul baring sharing of where you are at.



I tried to have children starting with my first marriage. What I discovered was getting pregnant was easy. Holding on to it not so much. From uncountable (documented) early loss to several soon after crossing the 12 week mark to one at just past 5 months I started looking at what was going on in my life and what changes I had made for those longer stretches. What I started to understand was making changes one at a time did nothing. Making multiple changes made the biggest difference. It also took being at the right place, at the right time, doing the right things with the right professionals whether they were inside the box or outside. Through prayer, serendipity, stars aligning and whatever else have you I hit on the right combination in my 40s which resulted in the blessing of having my son and discovering things I was not aware of after over 20 years of loss. Age, a cancer precipitated by that amount of loss, toxic levels of that B vit, enough change that meant duplicating the one success by trying to recombine all the factors that resulted in it no longer worked along with a few more mc and I was done trying and what was left was accepting. 





All of that to say I hope sincerely that you find relief and if not a cure a management strategy that allows for more. The strength and grace you share here have touched many.


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## Saigold (Mar 21, 2019)

Could the tiredness be caused by something lile Lyme disease? A good friend of ours has had Lyme for a long time and his main complaint is how tired he is all the time. Maybe something to look into. Sorry if it was mentioned already, didn’t have a chance to look though the other posts.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Saigold said:


> Could the tiredness be caused by something lile Lyme disease? A good friend of ours has had Lyme for a long time and his main complaint is how tired he is all the time. Maybe something to look into. Sorry if it was mentioned already, didn’t have a chance to look though the other posts.


Yes, it could. But that doesn't make it curable, unfortunately.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I have boughts of extreme tiredness, and nausea and vertigo, from time to time. Is this what CFS feels like? In my case, I can usually draw a line from that back to the use of anti-inflammatory medicines, over a period of longer than a week. 



I would use NSAIDS to be able to function in a more than normally demanding time ( like a long trail ride, or traveling with lots of walking, etc), and would need to use Nexium with these NSAIDs these two would rip the blank out of my gut, I think, and that would make me feel sick for up to a month afterward.


I am more and more convinced that gut health is connected to about every single malade we have. This may sound utterly bizarre, but have you ever considered a fecal transplant? in order to get more 'healthy' biome back into your system? I know this is way out there, but . . . .


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I have boughts of extreme tiredness, and nausea and vertigo, from time to time. Is this what CFS feels like? In my case, I can usually draw a line from that back to the use of anti-inflammatory medicines, over a period of longer than a week.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That is pretty wild, I had not considered it. It is not a simple thing to do, I've heard. I'd have to convince a doctor, and I haven't found a sympathetic or even particularly useful MD in my new home. 

It wouldn't be caused by NSAIDs because I haven't been able to tolerate them for twenty-odd years. Even Tylenol is very hard on my stomach and I only take a half dose when I'm in unbearable pain, and have take a prescription antacid with it. I'm a precious flower.


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## ClearDonkey (Nov 27, 2016)

Avna said:


> That is pretty wild, I had not considered it. It is not a simple thing to do, I've heard. I'd have to convince a doctor, and I haven't found a sympathetic or even particularly useful MD in my new home.
> 
> It wouldn't be caused by NSAIDs because I haven't been able to tolerate them for twenty-odd years. Even Tylenol is very hard on my stomach and I only take a half dose when I'm in unbearable pain, and have take a prescription antacid with it. I'm a precious flower.


I empathize with you so much on the struggles to find a good MD. I suffered through a relatively basic problem for 6+ months because a doctor decided it wasn't bad enough to treat, and then the next doctor exasperated the issue by prescribing me a medication that actually worsened the problem (she chose the opposite drug than what she was supposed to). I believe it was over a year until I landed on a third doctor that couldn't believe the other two, immediately switched my medication, and prescribed another to deal with the first issue. 

This may have been hard to follow, but I couldn't believe the lack of knowledge these people had. The joys of rural, for-profit healthcare...

I know this will probably be controversial here, but have you considered CBD for pain? If you look up "Charlotte's Web CBD Oil", it was the first CBD product on the market that has virtually zero THC in it. Purely medicinal, 100% legal in the US, and scientifically backed. The product was created originally to treat a 5 year old child, Charlotte Figi, who had a rare form of childhood epilepsy (300+ seizures a week). I did a research paper on CBD products in college for my pharmaceutical chemistry class, and my teacher was 100% in full support of trying CBD products over traditional painkillers. Unfortunately with looking up the product, I found out Charlotte Figi passed away in April, at 13 years old, from likely COVID-19. 

Now that marijuana has been legalized in my state and it is virtually available in every larger city, I will likely switch from using my alternating Acetaminophen/Motrin /Both, as I have gotten sick from extended use of either, to a CBD product. Anything that may possibly help the pain and inability to sleep.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I have tried CBD oil, in oral capsule form. I did not notice any reduction of pain, but just a bit of relaxation, and since pain is heightened by stress, perhaps this is how it helps.


It has been legal here for about 5 years. But, I think you need to search for products that have a very high concentration of the actual CBD, and they aren't cheap. But, hey, if they help, then I'd be all for it.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

ClearDonkey said:


> I empathize with you so much on the struggles to find a good MD. I suffered through a relatively basic problem for 6+ months because a doctor decided it wasn't bad enough to treat, and then the next doctor exasperated the issue by prescribing me a medication that actually worsened the problem (she chose the opposite drug than what she was supposed to). I believe it was over a year until I landed on a third doctor that couldn't believe the other two, immediately switched my medication, and prescribed another to deal with the first issue.
> 
> This may have been hard to follow, but I couldn't believe the lack of knowledge these people had. The joys of rural, for-profit healthcare...
> 
> ...


I don't have a lot of pain, just exhaustion headaches sometimes. I have some home made CBD ointment a friend made that is really quite helpful for joint pain. Recommend that stuff. But it doesn't do anything for CFS.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

I have really missed your voice on HF lately, and I'm sorry to find out that you are feeling like this.

I hesitate to express the wish that you feel better soon, because it seems like sort of a flimsy thing to say, given the seriousness of your situation. At the same time... I do hope that somehow you get to feeling better...


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## Woodhaven (Jan 21, 2014)

^^^^ditto
I also enjoy reading your posts, replies, suggestions as they are usually spot on.
I sincerely hope you will get some relief from this, and find a Doctor that can help you. 
All the best and CHEERING for you.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

OreoTrail said:


> As someone with chronic depression....
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Not every bad emotion is clinical depression. When I have some energy, even a little, I am happy. Happier than I've been for years, because my life -- except the chronic fatigue part -- is amazingly wonderful, and even at the lowest ebb, where I live now is so beautiful and I'm so lucky to be here, I often find myself with a smile on my face. My nearest and dearest have often remarked how much happier I am now, despite my fatigue problems. I wake up in the morning and often my first thought is, "I love it here. I am so happy." 

I am REALLY NOT DEPRESSED. I've had plenty of psychotherapy over the years. My daughter is a therapist. One of my best friends has chronic depression, and it really is nothing like this at all. She has a hard time doing anything at all, because life just seems gray to her. She is filled with inertia and apathy and self-loathing and it makes her so miserable. Life is very vivid to me, and any time I have a bit of pep I tend to throw myself into all the activities I long to do (then I tend to crash and burn). Please read more carefully. I never was on antidepressants, my doctor kept suggesting them because, as she honestly told me, she had nothing else to offer. 

I have a physical illness which is very frustrating. Actual frustration causes frustration and despair too! Antidepressants do not help with chronic fatigue unless it is caused by depression. This isn't. CFS is not understood by the medical profession. No one really knows what causes it, no one knows how to diagnose it except by eliminating all the other possibilities, and no one has a cure for it. It is only very recently that western medicine even admitted that it existed. Some people have it way worse than me. I can ride! Sometimes. I can do my livestock chores! Almost always. There are people with this who can't get out of bed for weeks. 

Like Knightrider, some people mysteriously get better. Some people discover that it wasn't CFS it was something else (one lady told me her CFS magically cleared up once she left her husband). But I've had this, gradually worsening, for fifteen years. I've tried everything western and alternative medicines can offer me. I've spent a whole lot of money! But nothing improves. That is the fact of it. It is something I just have to live with, unless there is some medical breakthrough.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I wonder how much of what you are experiencing is a combo of just getting older, and of the last couple of years being very stressful, what with political upheavals and now a pandemic. I know that I am very rarely joyful, at 62. But, like you, I often experience an appreciation for life, beauty, and what I DO have.


I am glad you mentioned this. I am sure you may be surprised, and perhaps comforted, to here how many others here have similar trials, at least at times.
I don't post as much nowadays either. I no longer ride, don't own a horse, and barely qualify as a 'horsewoman'. So, I can get to telling myself, "What's the point?"


That approach can be a joy kill to about anything.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I wonder how much of what you are experiencing is a combo of just getting older, and of the last couple of years being very stressful, what with political upheavals and now a pandemic. I know that I am very rarely joyful, at 62. But, like you, I often experience an appreciation for life, beauty, and what I DO have.
> 
> 
> I am glad you mentioned this. I am sure you may be surprised, and perhaps comforted, to here how many others here have similar trials, at least at times.
> ...


Oh, you do have a point. Some of what I experience IS about just losing the energy of youth. But very clearly not all of it, as the people I know around my age are not like this. Sure, you have to take things more slowly, crazy adventures are a thing of the past for the most part, and most of my friends my age are asleep by nine thirty. I kind of like the aging part in some ways. Nothing to prove. More skills than I'll ever put to use. Innumerable mistakes I don't have to make again. Finally knowing the difference between what I actually want as opposed to what I should want or what someone else wants for me. Good stuff. 

I do know what the point is, but I don't think I can articulate it! Maybe it's in the Bible: Be still, and know that I am God.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Getting older does bring some peace , for sure.


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

@tinyliny is right, gut health does alot... After I went on a very strict medical diet (that I will have to follow for the rest of my life) my fatigue was much better. It flares up sometimes but I know why. Unfortunately the demands this society puts on me are the cause and I cannot escape that (It's not like I can go living in a cabin in the woods, I need money and a job....) so I try to cope. 

What also helped me (against all logical sense) is stamina exercise... Even though I felt like I was going to fall asleep on the spot I kept on working on my muscles and mainly on my stamina. Build it up little by little. With me the problem is also brain related. My brain works differently and doesn't filter out everything so I get overwhelmed and tired. Maybe with you it's like that? I noticed a lot of ppl that are good with animals are extremely sensitive... Mindfulness also helped me (and I am a very rational person so I was extremely sceptic...) I also recommend the books of the Dalai Lama, buddhism teachings really taught me very valuable lessons. 

Whatever you do, don't give up riding and time with animals. They are healing as is nature.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Jolien said:


> @tinyliny is right, gut health does alot... After I went on a very strict medical diet (that I will have to follow for the rest of my life) my fatigue was much better. It flares up sometimes but I know why. Unfortunately the demands this society puts on me are the cause and I cannot escape that (It's not like I can go living in a cabin in the woods, I need money and a job....) so I try to cope.
> 
> What also helped me (against all logical sense) is stamina exercise... Even though I felt like I was going to fall asleep on the spot I kept on working on my muscles and mainly on my stamina. Build it up little by little. With me the problem is also brain related. My brain works differently and doesn't filter out everything so I get overwhelmed and tired. Maybe with you it's like that? I noticed a lot of ppl that are good with animals are extremely sensitive... Mindfulness also helped me (and I am a very rational person so I was extremely sceptic...) I also recommend the books of the Dalai Lama, buddhism teachings really taught me very valuable lessons.
> 
> Whatever you do, don't give up riding and time with animals. They are healing as is nature.


I too am extremely sensitive and I think you are right, many people who work with animals are. Buddhism is good. I once lived in a Zen Buddhist monastery, I do know a bit about that. 

I think stamina exercise is also good, as long as it isn't overdone. Push too hard and all collapses. 

Off to ride before it gets too dang hot ...


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## walkinthewalk (Jul 23, 2008)

@Avna, I am so sorry you have this diagnosis.

For those who have never dealt with or been touched (friend or family member), CFS has nothing to do with age.

A friend of my son’s was formally diagnosed with it when she was in her 20’s. She had had an illness (can’t remember what) but, after a few years of seeing shrugged shoulders from doctors, CFS was finally the residual (and on-going) diagnosis she received.

Of course that was in the 90’s so I’d like to think the medical profession knows more now than they did back then, regarding treatment. Even back then, it was felt diet was very important and so was exercise.

@Avna, I have nothing to offer in terms of help, except to continue being the strong person you are and keep pushing thru.

I understand the constant tiredness and the frustration of dealing with it on a 36/7 (<—-I mean that) basis.

In 2011, I received a diagnosis of Grade II ”spondolo “ because I can’t spell it. 

https://www.spineuniverse.com/condi...is/spondylolisthesis-back-condition-treatment.

In these nine years I have not done anything but further deteriorate. This garbage wears me out, I wake up almost as tired as when I went to sleep. 

It’s why I can’t ride anymore but my last two horses are what keeps me pushing thru the discomfort and being tired all the time.

Even my brother, who is not a horse person worries about my well-being “after they’re gone” as they are what keeps me moving.

In this heat/humidity it takes everything in me to get them ready for turnout, get the stalls cleaned, and dump the manure. I’m wiped out for almost the rest of the day, except for little house chores that don’t amount to anything.

My point is to say *keep pushing thru* — one hoof in front of the other- one heartbeat at a time.

You put so much thought and effort into your retirement Nirvana, this is no time to let CFS get the best of you.

I moved from PA in 1998 (five years after I lost my son in a car accident) so I lost track of his school friend and can’t say how she has handled her CFS thru the years.

I am wondering, however, if you have considered seeking out a legitimate Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist. I think at this point, I would try anything

For me, it’s all physical deterioration that leads to extreme tiredness and continual frustration. I have a really whazoo chiropractor who keeps things aligned. He is so good he was hand picked to tour with THE Jon Bon Jovi a few years back.

I see him once a week, except he was on vacation last week and life has been h.e.l.l. I am wall papered in lidocaine patches and I’ve been wearing two styles of back braces, together, to the barn every day.

While diet does help, as too many starches equal added inflammation, it’s not the panacea for me. 

I only write this to nudge you along to keep pushing thru. The only other option in dealing with CFS is to quit and that is not who you are.

You would’ve thought by now, the medical profession would have better answers than they have.

Ok, that’s it for me - I declared I am taking a break from the forum and I am - I just felt this is way too important to sit back and be quiet. Plus at 6:30 AM, the temp AND dew point are 70 F and the humidity is 100%, which means I need to get to the barn.

That’s another thing - chores - it takes me almost three hours to do chores for two horses because I can’t move like I used and I have to take breaks. That’s more time than when I had four horses. There are not too many of us with the will to keep pushing, so keep pushing

You have a lot to offer your new lifestyle and this forum. If you were writing this to yourself, you would have said things much better than I can, so feel free to re-write and keep pushing thru. 

Just when you think you can’t, you will figure out a new approach and a time saver to help your energy level. One of the best things I own is my old Honda 4-wheeler as it does a lot of my walking 

Hugs and best wishes -


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Oh, I'm so sorry @Avna. Of course people get busy. I post a lot less but for happier reasons. I've just gotten very busy. But I do like to check in and see familiar names such as yours! 

Perhaps the group could be a sounding board, a place to express yourself when you get sad. I won't tell you to fix this -- I haven't read all the responses but I'm guessing a few people are already providing solutions. It's our nature as horse people, we're problem-solvers it seems! I'll just tell you that we're here to listen and support you no matter what. 

It does sound like you have a really lovely place with lovely animals so that's very positive! I will say it again: some of my most treasured memories with the horses are not of riding them, but of just spending time with them. Watching a sunset with my arm slung around Rusty's neck. Sitting on the mounting block to watch the swallows ducking in and out of the barn as the horses graze. Scratching those itchy spots after flies have been after them all day. Those are the precious moments that make my days brighter. 

Maybe share some pics of the farm? Nice pics of my animals always make me happier


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I'm sorry you are going through this, I have missed your posts as well. Hugs to you. :hug: 

I hope you find a doctor out there that can really help you & give you some answers/a plan. Fingers crossed you find relief, I hope you feel better. :sad: Keep on trekking on. Don't give up hope. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, etc.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

As I have said a few times in this thread, there is neither a cure nor any effective treatment for true CFS.. If you have issues that mimic CFS, like depression or a sleep disorder, or anemia or low thyroid those CAN be treated. But I don't have those. I've done quite a bit of acupuncture and Chinese herbs over the years, because my husband is a great believer in them. But for me they are a waste of money. I can nap on a table at home! There are a few things I could be doing more of, that would increase my well-being, like more yoga, more regular meditation practice. But it won't cure anything. I don't think I'm going to be saying this again. I don't want more suggestions, thanks. I know that the hope of helping is a powerful impulse ...
@walkinthewalk, I am so sorry to hear of your increasing disability. I read some of your linked article. Gee, I wonder why you can't spell it! I do know what it is like to feel that only the animals waiting for you in the barn get your feet moving at all. I had a hard time today, tacking up for a ride, I got dizzy and had to lean against my horse several times, and while I was putting my half chaps on I had the overwhelming urge to just keep sitting in that camp chair and close my eyes. But I pushed, I got on, had an hourlong muggy deerfly-infested ride, explored an offshoot trail that died out after a half mile, but it woke me up some, and I was glad to have done it. 

Thank you all my internet friends. I have a hard time talking about this to my face to face friends, except for the two with chronic pain issues, who are really in much worse shape than me. Both of them understand completely what it is like to find just getting out of bed to be a significant accomplishment some days. I don't have real pain problems like they do. 
@Acadianartist, I will try to take some photographs, what a pleasant idea! Apologizing in advance at how fat both the horses are. An unforeseen consequence of fertilizing my pastures after seventy-five years of neglect. Who knew that my blithe confidence that grazing in summer was no issue for my horses was just because my pastures were so impoverished.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Avna said:


> ...most of my friends my age are asleep by nine thirty...



Well geez, if I'm asleep by 9:30 when I'm 40 what will I be like 30 years from now?? :think:


In all seriousness though, I just read through the thread and the replies, and am glad you felt you could post here. I definitely agree that our animals, horses included, are motivation to push through different challenges and discomfort. I hope your balance of good days and bad evens out some and that the enjoyable things remain that way.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

Asleep by 7.30...


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

I am 31 and I need 8+ hours sleep a night. I work fulltime and every weekend I tend to sleep 12 hours of non interrupted sleep. I also take naps during the day when I can. I often sleep 2 hours during the day. Oops.


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

I think some people aren't a good match with this society. And that is not the fault of those people nor of the society. It is just an unlucky combination... My parents used to tell me as a kid: ''you would have been better off if you were born in a primitive tribe in the jungle or in another era''. The older I get the more I am starting to understand what they meant. I like my quiet and rest. I like good conversations and the slow rhythm of nature. But alas, that doesn't go very well with how society is. It all needs to be fast and fun and new and exciting. During corona all of a sudden alot of my problems dissapeared and I felt so at ease and in peace. 



So Avna, you are not alone. I think allies are everywhere. Disguised in the ratrace of this world...


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## JarvisMillan (Mar 25, 2020)

That is a truly healthy sleep pattern!  (jealous)


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Jolien said:


> I think some people aren't a good match with this society. And that is not the fault of those people nor of the society. It is just an unlucky combination... My parents used to tell me as a kid: ''you would have been better off if you were born in a primitive tribe in the jungle or in another era''. The older I get the more I am starting to understand what they meant. I like my quiet and rest. I like good conversations and the slow rhythm of nature. But alas, that doesn't go very well with how society is. It all needs to be fast and fun and new and exciting. During corona all of a sudden alot of my problems dissapeared and I felt so at ease and in peace.
> 
> 
> 
> So Avna, you are not alone. I think allies are everywhere. Disguised in the ratrace of this world...


Quarantine: the revenge of the introverts. Extraverts be like, "I'm going crazy in here! I want the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd!" Introverts be like, "there's a quarantine? I just thought society had finally come to its senses."


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

From Avna



> there is neither a cure nor any effective treatment for true CFS..


This is so true from a fellow sufferer (although I am much better now). I went a lot of years trying to find something that would help. It is very frustrating that family and friends don't understand this. Worse when the doctor does not understand this.

I have read that it is a virus that lives in your body and does not go away. The thought has occurred to me that covid 19 might be similar. I hope it is not, for everybody's sake.


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

So well said, @Avna.

I for one, have missed your wisdom. I certainly can't pretend to understand what it's like to wear your shoes, but I can sympathize.

Keeping you in my thoughts. Hoping that you can find the peace that you need.

I'm not a huggy person, but <<hugs>>.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

As I get older, I feel more like you do Avna.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I remember reading or hearing somewhere that the phrase 'to BE happy' makes people often feel like something is wrong with them. It makes them feel that the AREN'T happy, so something is wrong. Becuaese they assume happiness is a 'state' of being. 



But, I think it is a bi-product of other things, and is as fleeting as all emotions are. The more one seeks it, the more it stays out of grasp.


But, I did read another great bit of wisdom from Thic Van Nuy (spell? the famous Vietnamese Buddhist monk/philosopher, RIP). . . . He said that to recognize and bring that 'feeling' of happiness out into the open, you can call it by its name. You can literally, when you think that you might be happy, SAY, out loud, "I feel happy. I am happy right now"
That , by calling it by name, it comes into existence.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Avna said:


> Quarantine: the revenge of the introverts. Extraverts be like, "I'm going crazy in here! I want the roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd!" Introverts be like, "there's a quarantine? I just thought society had finally come to its senses."


Yes! Except for wearing a mask when I do go out, and my husband being home all day, my life is pretty much like it was before. Peaceful and quiet!


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## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

Avna... think you have to face facts that we all care about each other in our own special ways.
Everyone has something that makes a challenge of every day to get through...
Family, friend, themself....but something we all are challenged with.
The fact we each with our own issue can still reach out to another and offer a word of encouragement, of hope, of commiseration....to care about another.
It is a special gift you share that with all you face, yet you reach out to others here with your words is indeed special.
Indeed special that so many of us have a issue serious yet we all encourage and push each other to do...
You are indeed surrounded by very special friends here on this forum...
Sometimes I wonder where so many have gone, they are missed...then something like this is shared and many reappear to offer words of support...like a family.
This place is a family, a very special family gathered here...
One to wipe tears in sorrow, one to wipe tears of joy, one to extend a hand as we stumble, one that at times kicks us in the butt to get us on track again...but common is we all truly care about each other.
Do not ever forget this place cares for each and every single one of us...


So, might I offer soft, gentle hugs from me to all of you for making a difference in so many ways you don't know to each other.
Thanks for being the kind of human beings you all are...you make a true difference in the daily existence of many you don't know you ever touched and for that ....
Thank-you for each of you being you...

Now, Avna...here is your special hug and thanks for sharing, often the sharing helps to lessen the burden carrying the problem alone held you hostage to.
We all have shoulders that when joined together can lighten the burden of one under immense pressure...
:hug:

_hlg._


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I remember reading or hearing somewhere that the phrase 'to BE happy' makes people often feel like something is wrong with them. It makes them feel that the AREN'T happy, so something is wrong. Becuaese they assume happiness is a 'state' of being.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Very wise words.


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## Fuddyduddy1952 (Jun 26, 2019)

I didn't read all replies (I should) but I'm 68, I assume you must be about 60?
When you're a teenager you have loads of energy, plenty of time, but no money or experience.
In your 20s-30s still energy, some money and a little experience but no time.
40s-50s, some energy, some money, no time.
After 60s maximum experience, maximum money, plenty of time, no energy.
There's never a balance! My 66yo wife and I feel great! But energy just isn't there.
Now we have a new stable, tack, etc. 
If we had all this stuff + knowledge + time...WOW! But now I still do projects, but we think of something and then, is it really worth it?
A neighbor lady in her 70s, widow, has a great attitude. Rides all the time. She teaches young people to ride and stays busy.

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk


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## Cordillera Cowboy (Jun 6, 2014)

I have missed your wisdom. There are a few members here whose posts and comments I read, no matter the topic. You are one of those. I do hope that you continue to comment and post as you see fit. You have a way of rendering things down to the most useful parts. Your candid descriptions of the physical and mental hardships you face have helped me to better understand some of the things I see in some of the people around me. 

Your journey with your horses has been inspirational.

Do what you can. Tell us how things are going. 

Thank you.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

This has turned out to be a much less gloomy thread than I thought it was going to be. 

I think that one of the curses of my existence has always been wishing things were different. I always wanted a little farm, green grass, a horse to ride, enough money and leisure to enjoy them all -- and now, at long long last, I have all of them! I've just lost my youthful energy and then some, so sometimes I am reduced to looking at them wistfully. Still, I am so lucky despite that.


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

Life is never how you wanted it to be. Growing older makes you see that and I found out that I got happier when I accepted my fate. I thought I was going to have a family and a 'normal' life with a house and a husband until I didn't and lost it all. Instead of mourning I took the opportunity to work on myself and do some real introspection. Not that I don't have periodes when I feel awfull or lose hope but I have come to accept that this is what life is all about... There is so much beauty and kindness around us but sometimes we lose our grip and see things grim. And that's okay. You don't need to be happy go lucky all the time. We are not living in a Hollywood movie.


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## IRideaHippogriff (Jul 19, 2016)

@Avna - It is so nice to see you back on the forum. I always remember how kind and welcoming you were when I started my journal last year! I miss seeing you around.

I am so sorry to hear everything you are struggling with. My heart sincerely goes out to you. While we cannot truly understand what another goes through (one of the realities of being individuals), I can empathize in that my mental health struggles often leave me extremely tired and some days I struggle to do anything more than work and then lay on the couch. The feeling on not being able to make myself do what I love (from going to the barn to even picking up a book to read) often makes me so self-critical and I end up in a negative spiral. But we don't get to choose our physical, mental, external struggles. 

I think you should be proud of every little thing you are able to do in spite of your fatigue, and as you noted treat the rest with acceptance and being so gentle with yourself. The spirals can be worse than the initial illness themselves. But I hope this isn't preachy - I say these things only to say I understand that you can only do as much as you can. Life is just so, so unfair. I'm often obsessed with this unfairness, but that also helps nothing. 

You are always so appreciated here when you can be, and we understand when you cannot.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

@Acadianartist, here are some pics I took per your advice.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

How cool is that! Love the pictures Avna. A little slice of heaven.


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## Fuddyduddy1952 (Jun 26, 2019)

I like the red eft. We had one here a few weeks ago, showed it to wife (she thought I was making the name up all these years). Brightly colored warning birds "I'm poisonous".
Wouldn't that be a dream if all of us on the horse forum were neighbors, our properties joined?

Sent from my SM-S320VL using Tapatalk


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

QtrBel said:


> How cool is that! Love the pictures Avna. A little slice of heaven.


It really is that. Although it is a super humid slice today.


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Avna, sorry to hear about your Chronic Fatigue. I am by no means, by any stretch, any authority on it, but know a few people with this 'syndrome'. Including one who did indeed cure herself(well, it's been about 5 years since she suffered), with a detox combined with 'vitamin & mineral therapy' - essentially paying careful attention to well balanced nutrition & adequate magnesium levels. So, just putting that out there for you, that it may be something you haven't tried.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

@Avna I think that I may understand how you feel. After years of doctor trading and people saying I was imagining being tired, as well as weak and falling on my face a bit too often, I was finally diagnosed with myasthenia gravis. With my medication, I can still ride. I can't ride as well or as far as I used to. Stress makes it worse. People have no idea that anything is wrong with me. 

So I must be:
Lazy
Crazy
Out of shape
Imagining things

I'm sure that you have heard all the same stuff. Well you don't look sick. 

It sucks to have a chronic illness that is unlikely to get better. I personally plan to keep trying to ride until I have to have a pulley to get on the horse. If I fall off and die, you can know that I went happy. Riding brings me happiness.

I'm glad to see you posting. I always enjoy your posts. Your pictures are beautiful.

When I post, I usually just post the happy stuff. I tell about my great ride. I don't mention that I had trouble breathing and had to rest for several hours after the ride.

People put their best foot forward. Social media makes it seem like everybody else has a better life than the rest of us. I suspect everybody has something going on in their life. 

I wish I could take ibuprofen. When I do it makes me feel great. Until it hits my gut. It's just as well. That stuff will kill you. 

Keep posting pictures.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

Here's my picture from today. Tadpoles. I am feeding them fish food and watching the grow.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Oh Avna, the pics are so lovely. Just the peaceful haven I imagined. May you havemore good days than bad, and drop in once in a while, when you are up to it!


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

Yeah, Celeste is right. Social media distorts our view of others' lifes. That's why I don't like it. I just recently installed instagram because I missed my coworkers and wanted to keep some form of contact... But actually I am not into social media (unlike may other people from my generation.) I also get the feeling sometimes that I didn't succeed because I don't like or do what others of my age do (buy expensive stuff and travel alot.) I just like nature and animals. I kinda like simple things.  A good conversation, art, being with your animals... Just like you, Avna.  Your pictures are really nice... And as loosie said I also found diet and vitamins to really help with feeling tired... You probably already tried that... But I also got antihistamines and lung medication (the lung medication helped, the antihistamine didn't). Doctors also proposed to get a stool transplant but I refused that. I heard good things about it though!! New research has indicated gut bacteria can make you feel tired or depressed... So I don;t know. I would be willing to consider anything if I was in your place (even the transplant... erm... I really don't like that thought but okay... for me it was one bridge too far)


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

loosie said:


> Avna, sorry to hear about your Chronic Fatigue. I am by no means, by any stretch, any authority on it, but know a few people with this 'syndrome'. Including one who did indeed cure herself(well, it's been about 5 years since she suffered), with a detox combined with 'vitamin & mineral therapy' - essentially paying careful attention to well balanced nutrition & adequate magnesium levels. So, just putting that out there for you, that it may be something you haven't tried.


Tried that.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I put on my breeches to go let the animals out and muck stalls this morning, hoping it would boost me into the saddle. Sometimes that works and today it did! I did a very small ride, just a half hour. I knew that I had to go grocery shopping today, and that would take all my juice, so I tried to do less than I wanted. That is management: do less than you think you can do when you have energy, do just a little more than you think you can do, when you are tired. 

Yesterday I was able to work on my new flower bed, by taking half hour breaks for every fifteen minutes or so minutes of hoeing and planting. In this way I managed to get quite far along, over the course of the day. I cannot allow myself to compare this to how I used to work. Comparing just drains me emotionally. 

I did get all the shopping done. I do this about every ten days to two weeks. It's a big event for me. Once everything was put away I gave myself permission to do nothing (except animal chores of course) the rest of the day.

Pictures from today. I'm afraid my horses are really fat.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Great pics! So glad you got a ride in, even if it was short.


I think you're worrying for nothing. It's hard to tell from these pics, but they don't look fat to me. Maybe a little out of shape but not fat. Don't be so hard on youself! They have nice clean, healthy coats and your barn and property would be the envy of many! Enjoy it!


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

I think you are on to a good thing with the acceptance. I have also found that the best to help with my own but different issues. Just thinking "this is who I am, this is what I have in life, this is what I can do, and that's ok". I feel so much better than years of not accepting what I had on my plate.

CFS must be tough in combination with being a sensitive person. I am an introvert and sensitive to things like noise and smells. My husband gets frustrated because he loves having music on while he does pretty much anything. Then I am like "I cannot have music on, you talking, and be making dinner at the same time as it gives me a headache, nausea, and drains me of energy". So the acceptance has been good for not only accepting myself but being able to then transfer to him that this is just who I am and I can't change it. 

Anyway, just introvert + sensitive drains me on a daily basis without CFS on top. I am always needing my time out to just sit and do nothing if I have been out and run errands or had to talk to people. Not that I dislike talking to people but it really puts my energy levels in the negatives. There is a reason I work from home in a non-contact job. So I think you are doing amazing. Keep celebrating the little achievements.

Your pony is so gorgeous.


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## SwissMiss (Aug 1, 2014)

Yay for riding!!! Doesn't matter how long (or short) it is: you got to ride and still got your shopping done!

Love Brooke in her (blue-trimmed, of course :wink Horsehoodie 
How do you like the face part of it? Does it have darts over the eyes and stays away from them? Just curious, as I have the glute guard and absolutely love it. Raya too - except at the last ride a horse fly managed to get underneath


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

SwissMiss said:


> Yay for riding!!! Doesn't matter how long (or short) it is: you got to ride and still got your shopping done!
> 
> Love Brooke in her (blue-trimmed, of course :wink Horsehoodie
> How do you like the face part of it? Does it have darts over the eyes and stays away from them? Just curious, as I have the glute guard and absolutely love it. Raya too - except at the last ride a horse fly managed to get underneath


No, it doesn't have darts. It's very thin soft material, don't know if they would even work. In this hot humid weather Brooke sweats a lot, and her face gets very itchy with it -- she used to rub her old riding fly mask right off, this one does stay on. When I untack I generally dunk the hoodie in a bucket of water to rinse the salt out.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I ADORE this photo!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I ADORE this photo!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Pippa's saying, how do you like my cute behind?


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

if your horses are fat our quarters are too lol


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I have been okay recently. I may have, barring the unforeseen, finally managed to trade in my rear wheel drive truck for a similar model but four wheel drive, which we needed three winters ago, but because I haven't had the juice and my husband's philosophy is make it do or do without, we weren't able to do until now. Pick up tomorrow!

And I've been riding pretty regularly despite the durned deer flies. Today a friend trailered up and we rode for a couple hours, a lot slower than Brooke and I are accustomed to because my friend's horse is way out of shape and was not wearing boots, more or less a requirement on my rocky trails. I was pleased that in the cooler weather Brooke was not even sweaty although my friend's poor mare was wringing wet. 

Something I've been thinking about for awhile, probably because I spend to much time on *ahem* social media, is how unintentionally exasperating all those memes are about Just Do It, If You Can Dream It You Can Be It, Live Life To the Max, and so forth. For the many whose "max" is changing the sheets, or boiling an egg for breakfast, those who live with chronic pain, or spend all their life force taking care of disabled relatives, it is a real slap in the face. 

It kind of reminds me of something an older artist friend of mine said, back when I was young and trying to be an artist. I said brashly, "I want my art to disturb people!" He said quietly, "You know, most everyone I know is disturbed enough already." I never forgot this, and over the years I have come to understand it more and more. My friend died of AIDS only a few years later (one of a number I lost in that era). 

Life isn't a yahoo yeehaw adventure, except for a few adrenalin addicts. It's learning how to see the tiniest beauty in things, in quietness. At least, those who manage that have my utmost respect.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

> It kind of reminds me of something an older artist friend of mine said, back when I was young and trying to be an artist. I said brashly, "I want my art to disturb people!" He said quietly, "You know, most everyone I know is disturbed enough already." I never forgot this, and over the years I have come to understand it more and more. My friend died of AIDS only a few years later (one of a number I lost in that era).
> 
> Life isn't a yahoo yeehaw adventure, except for a few adrenalin addicts. It's learning how to see the tiniest beauty in things, in quietness. At least, those who manage that have my utmost respect.


So very true. When I was in my 40's, my husband of 23 years abruptly abandoned me for a woman young enough to be our daughter. I was devastated. One evening, I was at a party, and I overheard a young person saying how much they liked people who were clever and sarcastic and quick witted.

It reminded me of the famous quote by Abraham Joshua Heschel, "When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people."


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

knightrider said:


> <snip>
> 
> It reminded me of the famous quote by Abraham Joshua Heschel, "When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people."


Exactly so.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

my Grandma used to always say, "you can't put old heads on new shoulders".


I guess wisdom associated with age is valued for the price it takes to have it.


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## Jolien (Aug 19, 2019)

I think happy is within... It's not in status, a new fancy job or the latest stuff. You know what I did 2 days ago? I bought cheap paper flags and birthday decoration to hang everywhere in my home. I was sooo happy after I did that (not my birthday, just doing it because I can). Yesterday I fell asleep on my little terrace while the candles were burning and the crickets where calling out. And for a moment I felt inner peace. That;s happiness for me. Not what the media describes or show us. It's like hollywood movies or stories... They are nice but it's just a hoax and a fantasy world... It's like two parallel worlds exist.  And it;s confusing sometimes to know real from fake or to interpret what we're seeing.  



I think being kind in this world is difficult. But I see the world differently.


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

Avna said:


> Life isn't a yahoo yeehaw adventure, except for a few adrenalin addicts. It's learning how to see the tiniest beauty in things, in quietness. At least, those who manage that have my utmost respect.


I love this. I might have to hang it on my bathroom mirror where I will see it and be reminded every day. Thank you.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Just want to report, I'm doing okay today! 

Yesterday I was still recovering from buying a new truck two days before. We traded in our lovely red F-150 with the custom shell for another F-50, a boring silver color, no shell, but 4WD. This choice, rather than a three quarter ton, was because of me realizing that no, my fantasy of trailering around the state to various big rides, competitive trail, endurance, horse camping, was just not going to happen. I don't need a good hauling truck because hauling is not in my immediate future. If I should magically recover, and my horse suddenly decide she wants to doze on trailer rides instead of bang the walls and break things, there are always bigger trucks for sale. For my husband's needs, mainly building projects, this is a fine truck. Sigh. 

Plus it was SO HOT AND HUMID. Like out in the bayou humid. But I did go out and get my husband's birthday present (birthday is tomorrow), three native Swamp Roses in pots. Hey, he wanted them. They were hard to find, I had to drive an hour to a tiny specialty native plant nursery in the middle of nowhere. I mean an hour more nowhere than we are. They are pretty when they bloom. He is working on eliminating the invasive Asian multiflora rose from our property and got interested in replacing them with something nice and native. He's not any kind of a gardener so I wanted to encourage this. 

I've had two different friends trailer up for rides the past week. How fun that is! Of course I do have this network of at least thirty miles of different loops easily accessible from the trailhead at the end of my road; I don't flatter myself it is only for the sake of my company and to admire my lovely horse. Still, such a nice thing. My riding teacher also has come up once a week to give me lessons at home in my lopsided round pen. I thought, gee, what can you learn in a round pen. Now that was a dumb question. No stirrups, no reins ... trot! 

My low days are so low, I feel like I'm in a slow-moving dream I can't wake up from. If I try to read I fall asleep, if I try to do something physical I just ... can't. But then I have good days that feel almost normal. Today for example. It really helps to eat small meals or snacks throughout the day, and drink water even if I don't feel thirsty (I rarely feel thirsty). Try to get at least seven hours of sleep, which is very challenging in summer since I wake up well before sunrise no matter when I went to bed. 

So happy to have a good trail horse who is easy with other horses, likes to go out, keeps up a swinging pace, will lead or follow, surefooted and true. Very lucky to have my Brooke, despite her little flaws.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Forgot the pictures. 

1. Rosa palustris, Swamp Rose
2. A summer sight: fly sheets drying on the line
3. Brooke ready for my riding lesson
4. A picture my friend took on our ride, of the neighbor's Porch Hens.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

@Avna I am so happy that you had a good day! Yeah for you! and it sounds like you got a lot done. Your pictures are gorgeous and Brooke is stunning. I hope you have many more rides with trailering friends. I am so envious of the trail system you have right at your door.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

So happy to read and see the pics posted!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Since my last post it has been a combination of too exhausted to do much and just peppy enough to get to the grocery store, feed store, etc. Super hot and super humid continues, and I have not been on my horse for five days. However it's supposed to ease off weather wise tonight, if so I will mount up tomorrow I do hope. 

On the big plus side, we got our pastures limed yesterday, which was another milestone in our journey to restore the pastures. My husband finished whacking the weeds and brush down along the fence lines, as well. He measured -- more than a half mile of fence. Though the pastures have picturesque stone walls, those wouldn't hold any kind of livestock in so there's three strands of electrified rope inside them. The weeds got away from us and were shorting the current to the extent that I'm sure the only reason the goats stayed inside (they don't stop testing fences) is that the horses were there. They're a family now. Meanwhile, we seem to have foiled the porcupine chewing up the two ancient apple trees (and their precious apples!). One tree got an electrified mesh poultry fence around it and the other, 30" of sheet metal around the trunk. Husband particularly self-congratulatory about using this giant piece of sheet stainless steel that some silly person _had discarded at the town dump_ if you can believe such shortsightedness. Apparently many improvident townfolk visit the dump, at least judging from what he brings back. 

With my bit-by-bit approach, I have managed also to weed and halfway mulch my new perennial flower bed, as well. Still working on the mulching. Husband delivers tractor-bucket loads of composted manure to the bed and I slowly slowly distribute it. The flower bed involves three new to me things at once -- plant species, climate, and site. Perennial flowers rarely do well in California, with its lack of cold-dormancy and six month drought and dry air. So I am used to relying heavily on succulents, grasses, and mediterranean shrubs like lavender and shrubby sages. No experience with the flowers common to the east-of-the-rockies USA like phlox, black-eyed susans, bellflowers, daylilies, hostas. Plus this is a brand new bed carved out of the lawn -- the shade cycle, the soil, the everything, has yet to truly reveal itself. I am a very experienced gardener but it may as well be Madagascar for how much I know about it here. Which is, in fact, really fun. I was extremely burnt out on my California garden, beset by clay soil, shade, steepness, brambles, poison oak, and gophers to the point that I could hardly bear to try anymore. Now I am on a big adventure! New calamities no doubt await but still I can grow peonies! And clematis!


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Avna said:


> No experience with the flowers common to the east-of-the-rockies USA like phlox, black-eyed susans, bellflowers, daylilies, hostas.



This year scarlet bee balm has exploded everywhere- around my house but also "wild" along the roads. It makes me happy. To me it looks like an enthusiastic little flowery firework exploding out of all the greenery.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

A big day yesterday -- I did the strenuous nearly-nine-mile loop ride which for most of it trespasses on the city reservoir land (they do have signs but I ignore along with everyone else). What I now think of as "moderate amount" of deer flies, and not so hot we couldn't trot and canter on the flatter parts. Then I had to go out to the post office to send back the pony grazing muzzle I accidentally bought twice. While there our postmistress asked me if I might consider entertaining her two girls, ages eight and fourteen, on my farm. She didn't call it entertaining, she called it "doing chores" but anyone other than a desperate mother knows that expecting anyone, much less children, to "do chores" on a farm means direct supervision of a job that will take twice as long and be done half as well as you could do it yourself alone. 

I am not averse to letting her little girl groom Pippa -- who is often neglected in that department -- or take the goats for a walk down the road. Or sit on Brooke while I lead her around the round pen. I could do that about once. I do not have the energy for much more than that; and what my poor postmistress wants is for them to get out of the house for God's sake. It is such a hard time for working parents, and children, right now.

I asked a friend who does this sort of thing sometimes, she has a gentle steady Dales Pony who takes care of the awkward and shy well. She said, "tell her about Pony Camp." 

My last lesson I felt like I made some progress! My teacher learned from Sally Swift ("Centered Riding"), and uses a lot of her metaphors. Maybe someday I will be a balanced, sensitive rider. There's still time ... mostly the lesson was around lifting into higher gaits (instead of leaning forward and squeezing), and riding 'with stubby legs' meaning from the knees up, letting my lower leg drape. A lot to relearn, dear me. 

Anyway today is going to be a day of Not Very Much At All. 

Pictures of yesterday's ride. The first is of the loop trail, then heading home up my little road. The graveyard holds the previous inhabitants of my house, from the early 1800's, among other road locals. It overlooks yet another vast beaver pond, which like most of them, was prime pasture land for a couple hundred years, until the beaver returned.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

That looks like a very pretty place to ride, and amazing history about the graveyard.

A 14 year old might be helpful? If you had the energy one day to supervise and train them up. They could do all the chores you do not have the energy for on other days. My 12 year old has got very independent and quick at paddock chores (poop picking and water bucket cleaning mainly) where we volunteer. She can go off on her own for a couple of hours and do it all. I would rate her just as fast and proficient as an adult. She has been training up at it since age 7 though.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

MeditativeRider said:


> That looks like a very pretty place to ride, and amazing history about the graveyard.
> 
> A 14 year old might be helpful? If you had the energy one day to supervise and train them up. They could do all the chores you do not have the energy for on other days. My 12 year old has got very independent and quick at paddock chores (poop picking and water bucket cleaning mainly) where we volunteer. She can go off on her own for a couple of hours and do it all. I would rate her just as fast and proficient as an adult. She has been training up at it since age 7 though.


The only help I really do need is the stuff my husband does -- fixing fence, spreading manure, and other jobs needing strength or mechanical aptitude or the ability to drive a tractor. Then there's the brute heavy labor things like chopping out burdock, stacking firewood, whacking weeds along the road. Not "entertainment". I don't need help doing the lighter more pleasant things like grooming, cleaning tack, mucking a couple small stalls, filling water buckets. The truth is that it would be a lot of energy expended by me, as a favor to my postmistress, whom I do like a lot and who doesn't have the easiest life. I have to decide if that's something I can in fact do.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

What wonderful stories! I do love these photos - keep them coming. But the work you are doing does sound pretty tiring. 

On the 14 year old, I am letting one do "chores" in exchange for basic lessons on Rusty. The agreement was that an hour of chores would be equivalent to a half hour ride. So far, she owes me about 3 hours. She is a hard worker, and will pick up manure for long periods of time (she does take a lot longer than I would, but that's normal), so I'm grateful for that. However, because she doesn't drive, she has her parents drop her off and pick her up. They always pick her up early and wait around for her to finish, so I tell her she can leave. It's rather annoying. We'll see how this works out... but yeah, it's not so much because of the help she provides as a way to offer an opportunity to ride to a kid who otherwise wouldn't. She's quite a good rider too (she took lessons for a time). But even though the chores aren't that helpful, I feel like she should learn to work hard for what she wants so I'll keep reminding her to come back and put in the time. It is a commitment, and I hate making commitments to people. I always end up regretting it. So think long and hard about this. I wouldn't promise any rides to these girls for now, not until they've earned some, and then it can be a nice surprise!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Acadianartist said:


> What wonderful stories! I do love these photos - keep them coming. But the work you are doing does sound pretty tiring.
> 
> On the 14 year old, I am letting one do "chores" in exchange for basic lessons on Rusty. The agreement was that an hour of chores would be equivalent to a half hour ride. So far, she owes me about 3 hours. She is a hard worker, and will pick up manure for long periods of time (she does take a lot longer than I would, but that's normal), so I'm grateful for that. However, because she doesn't drive, she has her parents drop her off and pick her up. They always pick her up early and wait around for her to finish, so I tell her she can leave. It's rather annoying. We'll see how this works out... but yeah, it's not so much because of the help she provides as a way to offer an opportunity to ride to a kid who otherwise wouldn't. She's quite a good rider too (she took lessons for a time). But even though the chores aren't that helpful, I feel like she should learn to work hard for what she wants so I'll keep reminding her to come back and put in the time. It is a commitment, and I hate making commitments to people. I always end up regretting it. So think long and hard about this. I wouldn't promise any rides to these girls for now, not until they've earned some, and then it can be a nice surprise!


There's no riding in this picture. Neither has ridden much, Brooke is not a horse for a green rider, and Pippa is not rideable at all. I could lead-line the 8 year old on Brooke, that is it. 

I can't do social things much at all any more, sadly. They tire me far too much to make them worthwhile very often. I told the postmistress I would do a one-off with the 8 year old, with parent present, and that is all I can commit to. I am the wrong person for what she wants, really.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Yesterday was The Cow Nightmare. 

It was unusually cool -- for August -- so I saddled up and rode over a little mountain to a graveled road that is fairly flat, little traffic, and excellent for trotting practice. In fact the last time we were there, Brooke won an impromptu trotting race with a Dales Pony. Brooke has a seriously Morgan road trot. But that is not what happened yesterday. I was hoping to locate a trail head I'd seen on a map, farther down the road than I'd been before. Before I got there we passed a farm. With cows. Big beef cattle, just three in a pasture who came lumbering up to have a look at the horsie. WHOA. Brooke went suddenly from alert to OH MY GOD. She started backing up. I saw the hot wire she was going to back right into so I jumped off and got her out onto the road again. Then she saw the rest of the herd coming down the hill, a dozen or more. If I thought she was freaked out before ... now she was jumping around like a fish in a boat. 

Then a donkey began to bray from behind the barn. I thought I'd be trampled before I could get her out of there. And then. The UPS truck. Brooke's nemesis, barreling down the road in a cloud of dust. 

I waved the UPS driver to a stop. I led Brooke to where she could get off the road and could not see the cows. The truck passed. Brooke did not settle down. I led her for a mile. She didn't get any better. I managed to mount again (not easy). With Brooke anyway, it is safer to be aboard when she is in a state. Brooke wanted to bolt for home every step of the way back. Five miles of fighting with her to walk walk walk. When she got back to the barn she was still upset. I washed the sweat off her. She was still upset. I turned her out, and she paced around for awhile, chivvied the pony, was angry at the goats, galloped to the bottom of the pasture and back, did that again, rolled several times, and finally was able to graze. Sheesh. 

The photo is just before we saw the cows. Sweet little farm, very picturesque. Except for the cow part.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I have to wonder if mine would be that way with dairy cows... UPS has to turn around to often in the field for them to think anything aside from "let's chase it out" and "lookie, lookie, we did it again".


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

QtrBel said:


> I have to wonder if mine would be that way with dairy cows... UPS has to turn around to often in the field for them to think anything aside from "let's chase it out" and "lookie, lookie, we did it again".


A mail truck once blasted by us and Brooke fell into a ditch trying to get away. That was the second time a truck did that to us on a back road. Now Brooke has decided anything that looks similar is Evil coming straight for her. If she could get to chase it she'd be over it, I think. But for some reason UPS drivers have other things to do with their time. She doesn't care about pickups or cars. 

Cows never did thing one to her. She learned to deal with the calves in the pasture next to her, in California. But those were bitty little guys compared to these mamas, which were 1500 lbs easy. I think they were Gelbieh (?).


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

Wow, what a scary story! Windy hates cows and pigs. I wish I could pasture her with cows for a couple of months. It's so annoying when she freaks out over cows. Chorro lived with cows for several years--that's the best way to get them used to cows. But I don't have any to pasture with my horses any more. I miss the cows a lot . . . but I don't miss worrying with them getting out from time to time.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Oh no, that doesn't sound like much fun! Still, you dealt with it and everyone made it home in one piece. Good job! Bet it took a lot of energy though, so I hope you got a good rest afterwards.


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

Too much excitement!

Our new barn has 2 goats. Neither Tucker or Raven has ever seen a goat before to my knowledge. I was expecting complete melt down when we move in. Nothing happened. At all.

If we ever get moved UP North, we will have Black Angus pastured next to us. I wonder how that will go? 

Glad you made it home safe. Poor Brooke. I'm sure she thought her time had come.


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## Caledonian (Nov 27, 2016)

@Avna - Very scary. I had similar with a large double decker bus. The young horse panicked and almost went into a ditch at the side of the road. From then on he was terrified of buses and lorries. They never forget. 


@weeedlady - We had a herd of Black Angus cows next to our house. My gelding, Toby, was very much a city horse. He was fine with large, noisy vehicles but went to pieces when faced by strange animals, especially cows. Whenever we passed, the herd would coming running and stand in a line, with their heads over the hedge. Obviously fascinated by the chestnut beast having a melt down in the road.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

@Avna I am so glad you were able to get home safely. Cows are not so much of an issue for my horse but pigs will send her over the moon. Poor Brooke - I had a mare like that and my vet always said she did not have a "reset" button. Once she went into the red territory she never really came down. It was always best to do what you did. Get her home as quickly as possible.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Update on me and Brooke ... I have, as always, good days and bad days. On some good days I have gotten on my horse. Three days ago I did my newish 9.5 mile loop from my barn. That was a nice ride. Today I had my dressage lesson. My teacher is really cutting through my bad riding habits! Finally am understanding not just where my leg ought to be but how to keep it there even without thinking much about it. How to use my seat to 'lift' into faster gaits instead of pushing with my legs.And today, I got a real feel for how to help my horse collect. Finally. After many struggles. When I get my hands and my elbows right, she is so easy! But I only get it right intermittently, as yet. She has the capacity for beautiful collection, I just never have known how to tap into it. So that was very pleasing. 

Oh, and my Pony Petting Pals showed up on the weekend. That all went very very smoothly, they groomed Pippa, petted the goats, fed Brooke windfall apples. We went for a little walk down the road, me leading Brooke, the little 8 year old girl leading Pippa, and her mom (and the goats) coming with. When we turned around, I had the dimwitted idea of boosting the girl on to Brooke's back for a little ride. Well, I had not cleared this with Brooke, who had never been ridden bareback in her life (I've ridden her with a pad), and had only been ridden at all by three people -- the gal who started her for me, and my teacher back in California, once, briefly, and me. Never by a kid weighing 45 pounds or so. She was like Oh get it off me, it's a spider, help help! And bucked around until the poor girl slid off. Unhurt and luckily also unfazed. 

She also knocked me down in the process, skinned up my elbow and stepped on my foot. But nothing particularly serious. 

Will I never learn? Apparently not yet. 

Anyway we are set to do this again minus the theatrics in a couple weeks. Pippa enjoyed the attention, I could tell.


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## Woodhaven (Jan 21, 2014)

Glad to hear that you are riding and the lessons are going so well, Such a satisfactory feeling when you are improving with your riding.
Sorry about the trip down the lane and how it turned out but glad the little rider was ok and not upset with it all.
I guess you know now what to work on with Brooke next


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Woodhaven said:


> Glad to hear that you are riding and the lessons are going so well, Such a satisfactory feeling when you are improving with your riding.
> Sorry about the trip down the lane and how it turned out but glad the little rider was ok and not upset with it all.
> I guess you know now what to work on with Brooke next


Yep. I have a list, even. But bareback is up there at the top. Brooke is so calm so much of the time I forget how much she doesn't know because she has only had me to teach her things.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I'm sorry, but this just made me smile so such a funny image:




_"She was like Oh get it off me, it's a spider, help help! And bucked around until the poor girl slid off."_


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I can so imagine that reaction. My son's horse had a similar when a neighbor turned her litter/s of tiny Boston Bulldog pups loose as we were passing her yard. They were quick enough to swarm horse's feet. How she didn't step on one I don't know but she did similar with the bucking. I thought my son was hurt when he came off as he was bawling but it turned out he lost his boot on the way down and horse had stepped perfectly into it. Son wanted his boot back.


Glad your injuries were not serious and the tiny was unfazed.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Yesterday I practiced my homework in my little arena, got some 'long and low' from Brooke more consistently. Then I added trail boots, trail bridle, fly mask, pommel bag, and traffic-orange quarter sheet and did a 10 mile out-and-back to the little reservoir on the other side of the valley. It was cool and breezy and very few deer flies! I even took her fly mask off. That's a sign of fall -- seeing those pretty ears again. 

We were on car roads for a few miles, and we met two cars. The first one flipped her right out, I had to get off, the second one she was normal with (looky but not alarmed). There was no difference between the cars, except that she apparently realized that she was not repeating the Dread Cow Day and could be her regular self. Then we came to the cows she has seen any number of times before, the ones by the horse stable. Unlike the Dread Cows, they have very little curiousity about horses since they see them all day long. I was prepared for a meltdown but nothing happened. 

When we got home I untacked, rinsed off, and turned out my horse, cleaned all her gear and put it away, and was totally pooped. Brooke, however, was frisky after her three hour hilly ride and could have done more. I love this weather!


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## Caledonian (Nov 27, 2016)

@*Avna* The cooler weather must be a relief. It sounds like things are improving for you both. She must have a never ending supply of energy. I would have been exhausted by that amount of riding! 

Do I see Belted Galloways in the background? They're great for controlling rough land.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Caledonian said:


> @*Avna* The cooler weather must be a relief. It sounds like things are improving for you both. She must have a never ending supply of energy. I would have been exhausted by that amount of riding!
> 
> Do I see Belted Galloways in the background? They're great for controlling rough land.


Yes, they are not uncommon around here. Well adapted to the hilly grazing and cold damp weather.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

@Avna I would be pooped after a 10 mile ride. It sounds heavenly. I had to smile at your bareback attempt. My mare (Tillie) hates little kids. Despises them. And anyone trying to ride her bareback is far too much for her. My 20 yr old daughter tried and Tillie scooted out from under her so fast none of us really knew what happened.

So glad you had some good days and some excellent contact work with Brooke.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Taking off the fly mask is a welcome milestone. Hoping to get out this afternoon if the rain wraps up- it's only in the 50s here!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

egrogan said:


> Taking off the fly mask is a welcome milestone. Hoping to get out this afternoon if the rain wraps up- it's only in the 50s here!


hey, @egrogan, remember when we met at the Brattleboro co op for lunch, back when I was just thinking about moving East? Seems like a mighty long time ago.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

I do remember, and you're right, it feels like so long ago.


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

*You sound so much like me*

I suffer from two problems. Manic Depression and Dystonia. They do take their toll on me, but here is where my mind is so often...

Often I think about that youthful energy I had as a child and a younger adult. I remember thinking the day before what I would do with my horses or other work that I wanted to accomplish. When I woke up the next morning, my feet hit the floor with the most driven energy. I had the most wonderful time doing work around the farm. 

Often as I look back, my thought could be selfish as I concentrated on what I wanted to do the most. 

The last time I had a horse was around 1995. Here it is 2020, and I am going to be 63 years old next month. 

After receiving a head injury, I developed Dystonia and was already suffering from Manic Depression. I often thought of the days that when I was younger how my energy was contagious and there was nothing that I could not do. Now, I find myself getting out of bed and making myself do things I must do. I kept trying to find my youthful mind and energy, and it is not there.

Often I thought of having a horse again, and how it made me look forward to the next day. Would it bring back my youthful feelings? Getting a horse did not improve that much at all. I do so much look forward to feeding him and watching him grow. I am anxious about riding him too. 
I often pray to the Lord that he will restore my energy happiness and health. 

I had to do a lot of thinking about where I am today mentally and why things have changed.
When I was younger, I had so many self doubts and did not like myself. I found happiness in my horses as they pleased me like nothing else did. 
I had recently gotten a divorce and I had to make a big change in my life. 
Then when I got a job in 1995 where I worked 12 hours a day, I no longer had time for my horses, as in taking the best care of them, and I placed them with a man that loved them and kept them all until they died. I knew they were in a good place, yet I felt I had betrayed them. I was working nights and had to sleep during the day. 

Now that I have become older, I am not so hard on myself. Satan constantly tries to drag us down with self loathing, and the Lord tries to pull us up with his love and forgiveness. I suppose we often feel that we are not worthy of forgiveness, even if we ask for it 100 times. 

I now have a horse that I am really pleased with, and look so forward to when he reaches the age I can start riding him. I do have a mare that I purchased for a companion. 

I would like to say that I do wish that I had as much knowledge about life in general when I was younger. But often our youthfulness is centered on the day at hand or the next day. That was a time of excitement. But now that I am older, I have a better understanding of who I am and what is more important in life than what is in my tiny circle of today and tomorrow. I have a much better understanding of love and forgiveness and of the Lord. Life is not just centered around ourself. 

Often I think God slows us down for a reason. Is he preparing our minds for what we need to know about him as our years begin to pass by? We begin to understand all the wonderful things he has given us. Each day I pray to him and thank him for the things in our life. One, is the act of love that he gives to us, and those that he puts around us that love us back. I thank him for the people around me that I do love. Love is free. Without it, we would be doomed. And he teaches us to love back. I never thought about that when I was young.

And forgiveness. I would love to be able to say that I forgive myself as God forgives us. To know that he does is such a blessing. Forgiveness and Love, what a wonderful thing. 

But yet, I still want that youthful energy when I hit the floor each morning.

Here is something odd that happened to me. One morning before I woke up, I dreamed that I was jumping around and spinning like in gymnastics. I was almost flying, and when I woke up, I had this incredible burst of energy. That is the best I have felt in so long. My feet hit the floor and I felt young again. All day long, I had so much energy. When I went to bed, I was afraid that the energy I felt would be gone when I woke up again. I prayed that day that my energy would stay with me. Odd that day, that my thoughts surrounded myself, and what I wanted to do. 

The next morning I woke up, the energy was gone. I felt sad because of it. I thought about it that day and thought maybe God had shown me that my energy would return to me when I left this earth and went to Heaven. When we leave here, we do not die, as we move to our next destination. I felt for sure that he was showing me that it would return later.

Often we feel sad when we lose someone as they move on. I think we have this world figured out wrong. We are on the upside down side and our wonderful life starts when we leave here. I feel for sure those in Heaven are looking down on us and thinking, "You have it all wrong on earth, and when you get here, you will understand why you go through the things there." 
I do think we are upside down on our thinking of death, and that life really starts when we join the Lord.

Jesus told the disciples that he wanted to explain more to them about where he was going that they could not follow, as he said they would not understand it. And they were confused when he said this. I think there are things we do not understand on this side, and once we get there, we will be forever in love, joy and feel what we once felt before. 

I say all of this because we are often going through the same feelings. There is a pattern of this for a reason. 

I was glad to find this thread to see that there are so many other people that have become older and feel the same thing I do. I just can't help but feel that God is preparing us for what is ahead.


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## SwissMiss (Aug 1, 2014)

egrogan said:


> Taking off the fly mask is a welcome milestone. Hoping to get out this afternoon if the rain wraps up- it's only in the 50s here!


Where is the freezing emoji?????? 
Our real feel is double atm :wink:


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

I'm UP North this week staying in my camper. I wore my flannel jammies to bed last night. It was wonderful. Right now it's 69 and breezy. So much better than 90. Just wish my horses were with me!


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

egrogan said:


> Taking off the fly mask is a welcome milestone. Hoping to get out this afternoon if the rain wraps up- it's only in the 50s here!


I'm going to cry. For August, we've had three days that were not in the 100s, and most of those 100s were well into the 100s. And muggy to boot. My weather guy is hoping for a "cold front" next week, which could knock temperatures back into the upper 90s.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

@Rudytoot, for me, I think God is telling me to live in the moment because there is no predicting what tomorrow may bring. 

I webdrifted (too random to even call it surfing) to a site about Gratitude and there was some thread about regrets. Mostly people regretted what they put off doing and now it's too late. Not me. I only regret not quitting things that no longer brought me joy. I'm the person who listens to that great song so many times it ends up being ruined for me. I'm the person who grinds on doggedly trying to make the dream happen until I am so exhausted and despairing that I finally am able to realize it was never going to happen the way I imagined it, for reasons having to do with my innate traits, or the environment, or the people, or whatever. This has happened to me cyclically over my whole life. But there was no way around it; it's the only way I seem to learn anything. 

So now, when I have so little juice, so little ability to recover and start off in another direction, so long a list of activities that are beyond me or cost me too dearly, it is odd that for the first time I am really grateful, and am despite everything happier than I have ever been. Because finally my desires are more of a size to fit my abilities. Sure I would like more energy, and less arthritis in my hands and a more forgiving digestive tract. But I have so much. It is always beautiful here on the farm. My horse is always lovely. I always have some little art project to work on when I am so inclined. I have people who love me nearby. For the first time in my life I have no particular ambitions or goals. And that, my friends, is wisdom. I didn't want it, ask for it, work for it, it just arrived, in the form of an invisible, undiagnosable, frustrating, chronic disease. Whatever it takes I guess.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

ACinATX said:


> I'm going to cry. For August, we've had three days that were not in the 100s, and most of those 100s were well into the 100s. And muggy to boot. My weather guy is hoping for a "cold front" next week, which could knock temperatures back into the upper 90s.


I can't imagine living in your part of the world. I don't understand all those people who vacation in the tropics, ugh! Or move south when they retire. I moved north! Would have moved to Canada if I could have. The only thing I like about heat is sun ripened tomatoes.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Avna said:


> I can't imagine living in your part of the world. I don't understand all those people who vacation in the tropics, ugh! Or move south when they retire. I moved north! Would have moved to Canada if I could have. The only thing I like about heat is sun ripened tomatoes.


Yes, I'm with you, it's the worst! At least when it's cold you can put on more layers. People say you can put on your swimsuit and jump in the water if gets hot, but the news said right now the water temperature in the Gulf of Mexico is 90 degrees! Ugh! I'm counting the years until we move up to Seattle...


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I just love the way you write, Avna. Not too much, not too little, and a very discernable bit of Tabasco sauce.


I remember reading in some literature about gratitude and faith, and how they are intertwined, becuase one could not believe in a God if they did not have gratitude for what has been provided for them, and thus faith that it if your needs were provided for before, they will be again.


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

I am really enjoying this conversation. So much of what everyone is saying speaks directly to me. @Ava I am so glad you started talking again.


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

Avna,
The things that you write of, how you feel and how you try hard to make things happen and they never come to be, are so much of what I feel. 
To know that there are others that suffer from pain and torment that keeps us from going forward. Arthritis and other diseases sure do a number on us. So, we are not alone. 

Often I tell myself, if I will just push myself harder, I can recondition myself like I was before. It just does not work that way. 

But do remember that our bodies will be renewed once again when we leave this earth. 

Often I think of how my life will end. I don't want to go to a nursing home. But once we get a certain age, people start taking over our lives. Mostly when our brains begin to fail. 
I will be 63 years old this month, and often I think if I lost my life while riding my horse, it would be better than having relatives put me in a nursing home. 

My Mom developed either Alzheimers or hardening of the arteries. But she could not remember what she was doing or were she was. I noticed that she was buring the bottoms of her cooking pans off. That meant she was in danger of setting the house on fire. Often she would get in her car and get lost and ride for hours and would pull over and ask someone where she was and how to get home. I would tell her that when she needed to go somewhere, to let me go with her, but she would not. I tried to tell her that someone was going to recognize that she was more than lost while driving, and someone would take advantage of her to get her vehicle. It was so dangerous. So I had to make the call to move in with her. She became so angry and violent. I did not argue with her and trying to reason with her would last just for the moment, because in 3 minutes, it was like it was never talked about. 
Soon after her mind started failing so badly, she developed lung cancer and when they found it, the cancer was in stage 4. She only lasted about 2 weeks after that. It was a blessing that she went as quickly as she did and did not have to live through a life of not knowing who anyone was. She was 80 years old when she moved on to heaven. I am so proud for her and cannot wait to see her again. I even remember when I was younger, and Mom had reached the age of 60, and it scared me to think that I might not have her much longer. Now I am 3 year past that age, but I just could not think about having my loving Mom around me. She was my best friend. 
From time to time I will have such a sweet dream about her. If something wakes me up during the dream it upsets me because I want to go back and spend more time with her. At times, I can start dreaming again, but most of the time, I cannot. 

I watched a video of a man that was still riding horses for the 6666 Ranch and he was in his mid 80's. Boots O'Neal. It is pretty interesting to watch. 




Often I think of riding my horse like I used to. Then I think if I could only walk and trot, that would be enough. I am just going to see how things go. I have always owned Quarter horses, and a gaited horse was not anything that I looked forward to. 
But I plan on making this work. 
Avna, I hope you can work through all your aches and pains and find a way to still enjoy what you dream of.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I had a dressage lesson yesterday. I so look forward to them. Brooke tries so hard for me, even though I am such a klutz. My teacher is retired and I am her only pupil. She took a photo of me before my lesson. 

I asked her once why, when she was so done with teaching (she spent many years managing riding programs for private colleges), she offered to teach me. She said, "because you practice!"

This was some of the best praise I've ever gotten. I've always earned accolades by doing things that come easily for me but not for others, so it looks very impressive for the amount of effort I put into it. Dressage equitation does not come easily. I work at it, in little bits, every time I ride. Shoulders dropped, elbows back, core firm, long thighs, relaxed lower legs, spine straight, half halts with your core not your hands, carry your hands, feel your horse driving from behind and flowing out the front .... every time I get one thing enough that I don't have to think about it much there is another thing behind that one. Forever, probably.


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

Oh my goodness!! You look beautiful on a horse. And the horse looks beautiful as you do. What a wonderful picture. That picture tells me that you are right where you need to be!


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

Avna, you look like serious competition. I just love this picture of you.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Awww, you look great!  I love the picture! I am so glad you had a good lesson!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Now for the downward slide. 

I lost one of my wether goats two days ago, after a brief but intense struggle with urinary bladder stones. The effort and the outcome completely whipped me. I had to cancel everything on my calendar this last week, incapable of much more than cleaning stalls. A trail ride with a friend, a dressage lesson, a hike with my daughter, no and no and no. I forced myself to get Brooke saddled up for any kind of a ride today, hurt myself with my own hoofpick, lost my temper with Brooke for stepping in a fresh manure pile when I had one boot half on, and right then realized I simply could not ride. After some days of not being capable of anything I start to get a really short fuse, I want to throw things, slap myself in the face, kick my dogs, and most of all, scream and scream and scream with frustration. Since my horse hardly deserves that kind of rider, I untacked her and turned her back out. I gave up. 

I have to get another goat. I am out of groceries, and I have pots of garden plants to get into the ground before it freezes (scheduled to be in two days time). I can't do any of these things. 

And that is the other side.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

Oh, no, so so so sorry. Hope things are better tomorrow.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Oh geez. So sorry to hear about the goat. Take the time you need.


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

When I lose a pet, I take it to the deepest pain. I still have dogs that I never stop thinking about. As a kid, animals were my best friends, and I still hold them so close to my heart. 

Your other goat will seek the company of the new one once he gets aquatinted with him. But it doesn't make the death of the other easy for you. 

Still, I know losing him will just take some time to get past it. Death is something that knocks me down. Even when I know that Heaven awaits us; I am selfish as I want everything to stay down here on earth with me while I am alive, and they can't move on ahead without me. I wish that all that I love and loved could all go at the same time. How unfair for me to think that. 

When we all meet again in Heaven, all of it will make sense.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

I am sorry about the death of your goat.

My daughter's occupational therapist would say that choosing not to ride is not giving up/a negative thing, but a positive thing in that you recognized your emotional state (in the yellow according to the zones of regulation) and the need to stop and take time out to re-equilibrate so that you did not get angry (or in the red zone).


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

@Avna so sorry about your goat boy, and everything else you are dealing with right now.
Be kind to yourself and don't push. 

Sending peaceful thoughts your way.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

@Avna so sorry for the loss of your goat. I know how much joy they bring you. I think that emotional exhaustion is so misunderstood, please take care of yourself.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss. :sad: Take all the time you need & take care of yourself.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Sorry about the loss of your goat. I well remember @Wallaby's stories of her goats, and how 'human' they were.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Well, that took more "down days" than I thought I could stand, but I seem to be doing better. I had to get another goat for my remaining wether, Oliver, so I managed to find a nice doeling I have named Opal. Potentially she will be my milk goat, if I get her bred this winter. She is nervously trying to get the hang of her big life transition (she'd never been off her farm nor away from her mom), but she is basically tame and friendly, she is fairly well put together -- important in a dairy goat -- and she's a pretty girl as well. Oliver would like to play with her but she's still a bit too overwrought for that. 

I did also get on my horse and go for a brisk if rather short ride, only about four miles. The weather has turned autumnal and crisp, which brings out the road horse in Brooke. Just let me trot! We had a nice time. Now I have to finish mulching the apple trees ... having essentially unlimited composted manure for gardening is an under-appreciated perk of home horsekeeping. I love it. Especially since it is a gentle downhill slope from the manure bins to the garden.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

Opal is beautiful. And I am glad you were able to get @Avna


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

I love Opal. She is beautiful. Her ears are so cute and I love how they do their ears with their expressions. I used to have two Nubian wethers many years ago. They were so sweet until my Dad was coming over and pushing on their heads. I remember a man coming over looking at one of my sheds, and one of them reared up in front of him and dove straight to his crotch. The man was doubled over in agony. I knew the man well, and I could not stop laughing when it happened. We were good friends, and he did not laugh about it for a while. 

Goats are so personable. I would sit down low to rub on them and they look directly into your eyes and smell your face. They are very good pets. They can be so sweet. I fed them like I would a dog. They had pasture, but I always gave them just a little bit of grain to keep them happy with me and looking forward to seeing me as well. 

Often I don't think people realize how they are escape artists and must have a fence that they cannot go under, or squeeze though a crack. I have never seen where their intelligence ranks in the animal world. But they are definitely not dumb. 

I love how they followed me like I was the leader. I could take them outside the pasture until they started chewing on something they should not be eating like my Magnolia tree. Bad goat! Ha-ha!!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I had a good ride today, the New England Autumn kind, where showers of golden leaves rain gently down on you and the light seems absolutely magical. Brooke had turned in a nice arena practice and I was already happy. The weather was mild and dry, the trails were empty except for one guy walking his sixty acre woodlot accessible only by a tenuous jeep road. Lots of acreage like that out here.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

Oh, those pictures are glorious!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

knightrider said:


> Oh, those pictures are glorious!


Gnash your teeth in envy, you Floridian! Your gloat-time is coming soon enough, eh?


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Very beautiful area to ride. When I lose a soul I love, be it human or animal, I am pretty much out of commission for a day. I have to concentrate on all the good memories I had with that being, and come to terms with them not being physically tangible to me, but how they're going to live in my heart and my mind. What's wrong with taking one day off to have a private wake in your own mind, for something you love that has passed on?


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

waresbear said:


> Very beautiful area to ride. When I lose a soul I love, be it human or animal, I am pretty much out of commission for a day. I have to concentrate on all the good memories I had with that being, and come to terms with them not being physically tangible to me, but how they're going to live in my heart and my mind. What's wrong with taking one day off to have a private wake in your own mind, for something you love that has passed on?


That truly sounds sweet and beautiful, but what actually happened was that I exhausted myself trying to save him over five days, and then lost him anyway, and then I fell into the hole of my chronic fatigue, which predictably follows a great exertion. Then I spent a week and a half sitting in an armchair doing internet jigsaw puzzles and waiting to have the energy to think about doing anything ever again. At about six days I have used up all my patient waiting abilities and become filled with despairing anger, and my focus becomes not damaging anything, like the furniture, or my relationships. This is the phase where I can become so enraged by a tool that I throw it as hard as I can. So it's a bad time to try to repair anything. Or train anything. Then I slowly pull out of it.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Avna, to have that condition, to deal with it, to not harm others, then to pull yourself out of it, takes incredible courage, strength, self-restraint, and discipline. Do not be disappointed in yourself for being this way, be proud you have those qualities and abilities to overcome it. You sound like superwoman to me!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

waresbear said:


> Avna, to have that condition, to deal with it, to not harm others, then to pull yourself out of it, takes incredible courage, strength, self-restraint, and discipline. Do not be disappointed in yourself for being this way, be proud you have those qualities and abilities to overcome it. You sound like superwoman to me!


Um .. not exactly. But thanks!


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Shush! Take the cape! You can fly along beside me on my broom, lol.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Maybe more like this ... although the artist really does not know how horses are put together.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Whatever works for ya, lol. We fly at dusk, no wasting moonlight....


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

@waresbear

May I please steal that picture?


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Okay, time to whine again. 
My husband fell off a ladder while prepping the side of an outbuilding for painting. He tore or bruised some big ligament and spent the next eight days in bed, staggering up only to the bathroom and back. Now he is finally clearly doing better -- he made himself a frozen pizza for dinner -- but it has been fetch and carry nonstop for me. He normally makes his own breakfast and lunch and does all the dishes, takes out the garbage, sorts the recycling, does some of the errands, mows, moves manure, builds and repairs everything ... it has been hard on everyone. Yesterday we arduously drove out to the clinic and got him x-rayed: nothing broken or cracked. It wore us both out though. 

There was a huge storm last night, we slept very poorly, and in the morning while I was doing barn chores the power died. Great. We have a generator though. Meanwhile, I had noticed but had no time to address that the evening before, Pippa was walking stiffly like she was hurting. Mostly on her off fore. Today she was worse and I had the vet out. Inconclusive. Could be a stone bruise, an incipient abscess, Lyme, or low grade laminitis. He put her on bute, stall rest, and cold hosing for five days. 

And so it goes. I am tired to the bone.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Weedlady, yes of course.

Avna, glad your hubby is better and Pippa will be better.


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## weeedlady (Jul 19, 2014)

@Avna
Glad that your husband was not seriously injured and that he is starting to feel better.

Sometimes life sucks, doesn't it? No platitudes to offer. 

I hope you have another good day soon. Take care of yourself.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

@Avna I hope everyone is feeling better soon and you get some reprieve


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

Wow, all that stuff is tough to deal with. So sorry.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Pippa seems to be doing better. Husband is definitely doing much better. I on the other hand, am not doing so well. But perhaps I will get a night's sleep tonight. 

Pippa is very patient with her makeshift ice boots.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Looks like she is wearing fuzzy bunny slippers!!!


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Aww, I'm glad Pippa is improving. Stone bruises/abscesses can be such a pain, they can also make them look like they are crippled! :lol: Glad your husband is starting to feel better too! & I second @waresbear, it does look like she's wearing slippers! :lol:


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

My guess is Pippa had a mild case of laminitis, but it is only a guess without films. We couldn't find any sign of an abscess. She is all recovered but I am limiting her pasture access to about five hours a day (down from 24). I tried a grazing muzzle, but without a lot of optimism. She might be Olympic material if they had grazing muzzle removal races. Took her four minutes on her first try. She gets the morning plus an hour in the evening before feeding time. Of course Brooke and the goats are also on this regimen. The pastures suffered from our dry summer, so it is helping the pasture too, going into dormancy. Once everything freezes they can be out all the time again. 

I did a brisk nine-mile loop two days ago -- a steep climb in places, and very rocky, but we trotted wherever it was safe; we made right about four and a half miles an hour. I can't describe how beautiful the autumn foliage is right now. Cool bright weather. I got out early in the day because a big storm was coming in. Well it did! As I was sponging her off and cleaning and putting away my tack the wind picked up, and by mid afternoon it was lawn-chair-hurling windy, with hail and rain. The power went out just before evening chores. Turned out the whole village and indeed quite a bit of western Massachusetts, went down. We got our power back 30 hours later (we do have a generator and my husband connected it to the barn circuit last year, praise be). Didn't get internet back for another day, however. 

The next day was my dressage lesson, and once again Brooke went from strength to strength. I could feel her deep energy at the trot, with me just guiding the power around around the curves. So marvelous! I can see why dressage can be addictive. Then after lunch my friend from two villages over hauled her sweet Arabian gelding up to my barn and we went for a six mile trail ride. He is endurance-bred and loves to go, so I let Brooke do her thing. She may be pudgy (I taped her this week and I think she could lose 100 lbs), but she is pretty fit, and the autumn weather fills her with the urge to travel. 

The following day I was kind of stove up and somnolent, but really happy. I love that horse more all the time. 

Every time I have another lesson I think OH I WISH I HAD A REAL ARENA. What I have is a 65 x 85 foot oval piece of flattish pasture fenced in with portable pipe corral panels. I have started seriously looking into making an arena there, however. I think I could manage to eke out about 70 by 100, with a stone wall (presently Ancient New England Rubble) between the arena and the road, and a wooden rail fence separating it from the pasture. There are a number of logistical challenges, including that there is no access for big machinery -- we would have to remove a section of the rubble. On the plus side it is extremely well drained, would not need extensive grading (good because under the thin topsoil it is probably solid granite ledge), and is right next to the stable. On the minus side is money. But, maybe next year. If my horses kindly refrain from major injury and illness. I am going to get some estimates. White breeches here we come!


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

@Avna, I love dressage, though I know little about it. I am so happy for you.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

knightrider said:


> @Avna, I love dressage, though I know little about it. I am so happy for you.


I think that the stuff you see on video, with the big flashy warmbloods and their giant floating trots, and people dressed like 19th century British gentry, is so far from what I aspire to, much less what I actually do, that I hardly connect them at all in my mind. All my goal is to simply be able to ride my horse better, communicate with her better, be able to ask her for more and have her understand. And I want to do that without gimmicks, without tying her mouth shut or forcing her head down or drilling her into the ground. If I can't have a supple, relaxed, willing horse, it is not worth anything to me. 

I never had any access to that kind of knowledge before, so it is really an adventure for me.


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