# Emotional trauma journey.



## gentlegiant (10 mo ago)

I'm 19 years old and have been riding since 13. I've been to many different stables and through ages 14-16 I went to lessons 4 times a week at the very least. During that time I learnt a little bit of dressage, cross-country and even jumped 1.1m. I also had my very own horse. I was riding more casually with my horse until 18 (trails and all that). And just as I was getting ready for my first competitions, my father passed away and my mother could not support my riding classes and horse bills anymore and all had to be abandoned. I was devastated (but completely understand where my mother was coming from, it was a blow for the entire family and would have been extremely selfish for me to disregard that) Not only have things been difficult at home, I have had nowhere to escape my sadness. Being away from horses, from the thing I love most has been a complete emotional shock for me honestly. And so for a year now I haven't dealt with any horses, even looking at pictures of them gets me teary-eyed.
This autumn I am hopefully beginning my veterinary studies and as my financial situation allows, I have decided to take up riding again. It is a big emotional obstacle for me - my pessimistic brain is telling me that it won't work out again. I really-really want to start again and eventually even fulfil my biggest dream of competing at a show. It sounds silly, but having my dreams get trampled on once, I can't help it but be scared of it happening again. I am also getting increasingly insecure over the fact that I am most likely going to be the oldest one at lessons with 12 year olds competing and more experienced than me. I am just proud that I found the courage to take this step in life and I hope to, once again, become an active member in the riding community


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I do hope you can find your balance again with horses . I would say that you will not be able to recreate those times of before. You are no longer a child. Things ARE going to feel different. Perhaps finding a barn where there are more adults, and taking private lessons might fit the young adult that you are now. Of course, you will be sad for a long time no matter what you do, but I hope you can find a way to move into a NEW relationsihip with horses and riding.


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## Luna’s rider (Jan 23, 2021)

I am sorry this happened to you and your family. I can relate as I gave up riding for various reasons - not unlike yours- when I was in my teens and only started again now at age 40. Don’t dwell on what it was or what it could have been. You got another shot at it now, just try to enjoy and get better at it.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Goodness, you are 19, you are still young! I'm sorry this all happened to you, don't get me wrong, and I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad and all the upheaval that ensued. It must have been heartbreaking. But I am 51 and had horses throughout childhood and as a teen, and then I didn't really get back into it completely until I was in my mid-40s. I have been to many a lesson with a bunch of young kids who were outperforming me effortlessly! I always tell people horses keep me humble. I am constantly progressing though, and doing new things even though I know they won't be easy. 

It might be challenging for you to own or even ride competitively while you are in vet school though, so don't take it too hard if you don't reach your goal of competing right away. The nice thing about equestrian sports is that you're never too old! A friend of mine did her very first competition last year at 40something. She has only been riding a few years, but it was her lifelong dream! So while I know it's hard to wait, be aware that it's ok if it takes a bit of time to get back to where you were. 

It's not all bad. As an adult (possibly even as a vet!), you will be able to make your own decisions, establish your own priorities, do things the way you want to do them and hopefully have the financial independence to make it happen the way you want! It really is awesome to be a mature equestrian


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## Part-Boarder (Aug 17, 2019)

I’m sorry for your loss - your dad and also the riding and barn atmosphere that would have helped you cope. Must have been quite difficult to go through that without the escape and routine of horse life at the barn,

It’s great that you are getting back to it slowly. Just try to just be present in the new experiences you are having now rather than comparing your new riding experiences to how it used to be or how other people are doing.

Also it may be expected that things can be put together in your subconscious - losing your dad and stopping riding - so starting again could bring things up, Again mindfulness can help with that and maybe some support from friends and family or maybe some of your old barn friends,


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