# I don't mean to complain but...



## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

Maybe it's because I have been a bit under the weather recently but I've been noticing this for a while now. 

In the past month or two we've had a few younger boarders leave to different barns and since then I've really started to notice that my trainer/BO has become way too motherly to our older borders, even with their parents around and including myself. It's starting to bother me. Not enough to leave and find a new barn but enough to get a bit defensive over whether or not I know how to take care of myself. I'm 22 by the way. 

For example I have mucus in my lungs right now, not a lot but enough to give me a bit of a cough. My doctor has assured me it's nothing contagious and it's only the aftermath of a cold I no longer have. She told me to do nothing to stress my breathing but taking the dogs to the park or going to the barn for an hour and brushing my horses wouldn't be a problem. I can even give lessons if I'm sitting. 

My BO hit me up on facebook asking how I was feeling and I said I was doing way better and would be out to brush my horses tomorrow. I was shot back with a capital NO YOU WILL NOT. STAY HOME YOU'RE SICK. 

I explained my mother and my doctor felt it was just fine for me to come out for an hour and moving around was better than me sitting on the couch and being annoyed I couldn't leave. She told me she didn't trust I wouldn't over exert myself and I couldn't come out until Monday because I needed to stay home for two days. 

Hold on, I'm sorry, but I thought those were my horses and I wasn't aware there was a limit on when or why I could or couldn't come out? If it's going to make me feel better I'm going to do it especially if my doctor of all people say it's ok. 

She has also taken to calling me by my full name which I haven't responded to since third grade. I go by Ellie. Not Eliana. My parents rarely call me by my full name and none of my teachers ever did. I ignore her when she does that but she just shouts it louder. I've repeatedly told her I don't respond to that...nothing. 

She also hits. To her it's a playful hit but she does it to students and other boarders younger than her and seems to get slightly put back when we tell her it's harder than she thinks and it hurts. She has since stopped or tuned it to a light tap but sometimes she slips and will give you a wack like you were a horse that won't get out of your space. 


Here's the other one and this goes for two boarders. Even with their mothers around BO insists on mothering them. When one girl came in with relationship problems she didn't want to talk about it but my trainer almost yelled at her saying she needed to drop the attitude and spit it out and be nice about it. This only upset said boarder who screamed the problem and went out to be comforted by her horse. She is still upset by how it was handled seeing that it wasn't any of BO business to start with. Her mother is the quiet type and isn't the one to speak up, the boarder is starting to get a backbone and on numerous occasions has mentioned she's about ready to scream at BO and let her know she is not her mother and she does not need to treat her like a child. She has her own mother to tell her what to do. 
Basically the same goes for the other boarder but she has a backbone and says things like "I'm sorry but when did you get the title of my mother" or stuff like that. 

Now here's the tricky part. I don't think she understands what she's doing. I don't have another place to move my horses without a huge increase in board that I absolutely have no way of affording at all right now plus other than this I love this place and the people. Just recently this has gotten a bit out of hand and it's frustrating me. I'm worried she'll start losing board over it and with that we will have a board increase and I'll be forced to leave. I don't want that. (that wasn't meant to sound self centered)

I'm not sure what to do. I want to keep a good relationship with her but I also feel I should tell her I can handle my own decisions, I'm a responsible adult, thank you for your interest but I don't need that kind of help at the moment. 

Let's put it this way. I don't want to leave but if I had a ready piece of land tomorrow I wouldn't have to think about when to move my horses there?


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## Zeke (Jun 27, 2010)

If she "tapped" me after I told her not to, I would sternly remind her not to touch me and walk away. If she told me I couldn't come out, I'd most likely be there anyways etc...

I you dont want to put up with this behavior i don't see why you should have to, especially since you're technically her customer, not her offspring. I would be nice about it of course but I would say as long as you are not breaking barn rules by not telling her your personal business or caring for your horses when you feel fit to do so, do it! I would remind her that I am an adult and while i appreciate her advice, have no need to adhere to it. 

Then again that's just what I would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I had no idea that barns were that intimate , I mean boarders with barn owners. (BO = barn owner, no?). It seems like an exhausting scene. One needs their energy to deal with the horses, who can have different needs on different days. I sure dont' know what to tell you. 
I can say, that 22 is still percieved as pretty young by many middle aged people, and I feel that way myself. However, you are more than a number and your real maturity by now must have been demonstrated through your actions more than your words.
One thought is to recognize her intentions as being from a place of kindness, and then gently brush them aside. "I can see that you are worried about me and I appreciate your kind concern, but I really AM ok. You know how a cold can be a lot of mucus when you are getting better, but you aren't contagious anymore. Hasn't that ever happened to you?"
As for the hitting, try hitting her back. Would that work or be a disaster?
I think you will be better able to let this annoying behaviour roll off of your back when you are in full health and the rain stops.
By the way, as you know , I am in Bellevue, Might I ask where you keep the horse? (you don't have to name the barn if you'd rather not, just the area)
Just curious , your personal info says Location: University Place. At the Udub?


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## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

I'm in boarding in gig harbor but I have my own place in University Place. I rent one of my parents properties from them (and by rent I mean rent as in no silver spoon I've been accused recently, not on here, just wanted to say). 
She's in her 30's and sometimes she can be slightly childish and then switch to stomp her foot down and say no to everything. 

I also just (as in 15 minutes ago) found out I've lost hay due to the leaking roof. That has kind of settled it for me. After calling my parents and discussing what my options are they have said they will help me find a new barn because for the safety of my horses, they do not want them there if my hay is getting wet. I buy my own feed and hay since they are the only horses on a complete alfalfa diet with beet pulp and I can't afford to loose hay. That's just not ok. 

I've started looking. I'm looking between Spanaway (possibly roy or Graham), and Port orchard.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Where is University Place? Is that near PLU?


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## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

It's kinda in the middle between central tacoma and Lakewood. It's about 15 minutes from the Narrows Bridge. I'm right down the street from Titlow beach. Once block away from me is the start of north Tacoma.


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## ShutUpJoe (Nov 10, 2009)

Are you looking for a place to rent with land for your horses? Maybe you could find something that cost around the same for what you are paying for rent plus what you are paying board on your horses?


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## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

No Im looking for a barn to board at. I'm happy in the house I'm in and there isn't a place close by for land rent it's all sale property that is bare and needs to be built up. Right now I pay rent in the form of bills. As long as I can cover all the bills for the house on my own my parents let me live in it. And per month that strips me bare with board but I've made it work. I don't wAnt to move out of my house I want my horses to move out of theirs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Sorry you are having these problems! 

#1 If you haven't already done it, buy a big tarp to put over your hay. This is a lesson many of us learn, barns are not always water tight...

#2 this may be hard for you, but you need to try to not share so much information with the BO. It should be a business relationship only, and if she is too immature to know how to act, then you must show her the way...

Take her off your facebook immediately. If she questions this, just say you are cutting back. 

Do not give reasons to not be at the barn (sick, out of town,ect.). If you are doing self care & can't come out, have a friend or another boarder take care of your horse instead. If she asks you why, tell her "something's come up". No more, no less and walk away. If you are being bothered even while brushing your horse, try putting ear buds in & motioning that you are on the phone. Chatter away to make it look real. Turn your back to her & ignor her attempts to speak. 

Eventually even the thickest brained person will get the message that you are too busy to talk. 

Oh, do not hand her the month's board in person, mail it. Do everything possible to limit contact & never give her an explaination for anything. If you can't avoid speaking to her, still do not answer her questions, just keep turning the conversation back to her.


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## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

See that would create a very hostile environment. I like this barn it's a small barn and between the boarders everyone including me likes her. She is there everyday to help with anything and lives onsite. She has done loads for me and my horses and turning her away like that would make it forced on me to move because of the environment I would have then created for myself. It's a very cozy family situation everyone including the boarders are very close and I like that.

I think right now she needs to be set straight and reminded of her age And what her role is. She's a great person but she isn't our mother or doctor and although I and everyone else appreciate her concern sometimes it can be a bit overbearing. I had a long talk with her today where she apologized profusely and said she didn't realize she was coming off like that. 
I looked at 6 barns today and they all accept the drafts but it's way above my price range and I would lose the help I have with Sammy because they are not willing to move with me. So I think I will tough it out here and hope things get better for me. My student will be leaving however and I will go to her to give lessons. 
I think all the pain and sick crap I've been going through has been bugging me way more and making everything seem more extreme. I'm hoping that is. She's really a good person but she has her moments where recently I just want to shake her and show her what she's doing. I hope our conversation today did that. She didn't seem upset more shocked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

I think I'm confused and frustrated right now and it's exaggerated because I'm sick as well and in pain which makes everything intolerable for me. 
I want to stay and if I moved I would greatly regret the family closeness. If I don't move and the leaks aren't fixed I need to find other options for my feed and hay and lay some serious ground rules down between her and I (is that proper or is it her and me?)


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

drafts4ever said:


> See that would create a very hostile environment. I like this barn it's a small barn and between the boarders everyone including me likes her. She is there everyday to help with anything and lives onsite. She has done loads for me and my horses and turning her away like that would make it forced on me to move because of the environment I would have then created for myself. It's a very cozy family situation everyone including the boarders are very close and I like that.
> 
> I think right now she needs to be set straight and reminded of her age And what her role is. She's a great person but she isn't our mother or doctor and although I and everyone else appreciate her concern sometimes it can be a bit overbearing. I had a long talk with her today where she apologized profusely and said she didn't realize she was coming off like that.
> I looked at 6 barns today and they all accept the drafts but it's way above my price range and I would lose the help I have with Sammy because they are not willing to move with me. So I think I will tough it out here and hope things get better for me. My student will be leaving however and I will go to her to give lessons.
> ...


It will not come across as hostile if done correctly, just that you are busy...however, it sounds like you still want the closeness, so I guess you stay.


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## starlinestables (Nov 24, 2008)

I think you did the right thing.. Be upfront and honest. )


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## leonalee (Jul 1, 2010)

While the woman seems overbearing on many levels, and I know this is probably out of context, BUT: 
We have posted "If you are sick, stay home" signs at our barn because frankly, HORSES HAVE NO CONCEPT OF SICK DAYS! If the person taking care of them is vomiting, or coughing up their lungs, they don't suddenly not need to be fed. So, if you get the barn owner (who might be the one and only caretaker at the farm) ILL, guess who suffers? We do our darndest to not get sick and are lucky to have tough immune systems. However, I would be very upset/borderline LIVID if I had a boarder come to my farm with a specific illness and then I came down with it shortly thereafter. It is disrespectful and rude to expose others to an illness because you aren't willing to be considerate. I'm not sure about you, but working while sick is AWFUL in my opinion, and as a barn owner, you don't get the option to "not work". Perhaps the woman was trying to indirectly keep you away for that reason? Although in all honestly, it seems not. Sorry for the soapbox, but that is the word from a BO's mouth  Good luck!


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## drafts4ever (Sep 1, 2009)

I completely understand what you're saying and I'd have the same rule if I had my own barn because I wouldn't have the help she does. Her whole family runs the barn plus all the boarders pitch in to feed and muck stalls. She's not even close to being short handed. But it was more motherly "stay home young lady and stay in bed" and I don't like that. If my doctor says I'm fine then I'm fine and I know my limits. I don't need my trainer to tell me them. I told her it was out of place, I understood she meant well but I was told by a professional I was fine and that's the word I go on.


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