# How do I keep going?



## 290190 (Feb 10, 2021)

I've came on here and talked about "my" horse Spartan a few times. 
He was just torn from me. his real owners decided to sell him. 
I love him with everything. He was and forever will be my emotional support, my partner and to be quite honest... a spouse to me. 
I've only been part of the horse world for about 6-8 months now. I still have a whole lot to learn. But, with Spartan. He has always been my support. Him and I both started from ground zero. I know it's not the greatest to put a green horse and rider together, but I learned so much with him. About riding, about horses, and even more so, about myself. It's easier to... talk to him, as dumb as it sounds, then it is for me to talk to people. In last three months of our time together. He went from not giving a care in the world about what I ask of him. To giving me his full respect, even when he's going nuts, and there's internal and external stimuli going full bore in his head. My command and his respect for me broke through all the stimuli and I didn't have to say anything for him to know that I wanted him in front of me and standing nicely. And he did it.
Him and I in the little time we had. Had a bond like I've never had in my life. I swear we are stuck together more than any glue you'll ever, and I mean EVER find. He was my first partner, but even though I dedicated hours upon hours of work, whenever I could. His real owners sold him anyway😭. I was traumatized by this experience so much to the point where I refuse to bond/work with other horses that I don't own. The only problem is that I have so many things. That I can't process alone, or with other people. It sounds counterintuitive and it is. But horses always help me to see through the fog. And let me process in a healthy way. And with Spartan gone. I'm decimated, I'm depressed, I'm upset and I'm stressed. And nothing except horses help me. But I've been traumatized into this tunnel that I "can't bond or work with horses that aren't truly mine"
I don't know how to keep moving forward with the horrible reality, that my best Friend/Partern/Spouse Is now gone and there's nothing I can do about it.

How do I keep going? I know I will never get over it. How do I move... ... not past it, but with it?


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

First off, I'm really sorry you are going through this.  I know it's hard.

Years ago, before I got my own horse, I was leasing a horse for awhile. It felt like he was actually mine, & his owner & I ended up not getting along (for good reason, she was not who I thought she was), & I unfortunately had to stop leasing him...probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was out of my control. 

Spartan knows you loved him & nothing will ever change that. Nothing can ever break that bond, it sounds like he will always be your heart horse. You can have MANY heart horses in your life, it doesn't mean you can't find another - or that you'd be replacing Spartan. Just take your time & it will get better, keep your head up. Hugs to you. I know how that feels. 

Other horses need you too, though - don't give up.


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## FizAndAztec (Mar 29, 2021)

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

This feeling you are experiencing is not new to us horse owners, and I'm sorry to say that if you continue in the world of horses, as I hope you do, you too will become familiar with the horrid sensation of losing a horse.

Allow yourself to grieve. Don't rush into your next relationship with a horse. Find solace in the fact that Spartan is still alive, and one day you may meet again. 

As mentioned above, you will have many heart horses. Carry your love for Spartan with you always, but let yourself become open to the love of another horse. You won't be replacing him, for as I'm sure you'll find, your bond with your next horse will be very different to your last.


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## CaliforniaDreaming (May 8, 2011)

Unfortunately, loss of a horse can be an issue when we don’t own them, it’s just part of taking the good with the bad, and learning to roll with it. You are right that you never quite get over it, but the feeling is just part of our individual journeys as equestrians and how we learn to adapt our situation to what we learn about ourselves. 

My own experience with something similar wasn’t quite the same. I can tell you that 2007 was a pretty bad year for me. My big red heart horse that I’d had from childhood colicked badly. It was super rough because I’d had him for years, he was the senior schoolmaster I learned on, gone to Pony Club with, experienced teenhood with. I got the call from the barn owner just as I was getting ready to leave for the barn to spend our usual Sunday morning together. Less than 12 hours later, he was gone, as at 30, surgery was deemed too risky for him and I couldn’t put him through it. And it felt awful. Completely shattered me. It was probably a month before I managed to climb onto the saddle of a friend’s horse, I knew my boy would have wanted me to keep going after all he taught me. Buying another horse wasn’t feasible at the time, but I eventually was able to start leading a mare that had been pretty much left at the stable (long story short, owner paid bills so not abandoned, but lived out of town so mare didn’t have anyone). Those 5 months were pretty fun, it pretty much felt like she was mine, I started trail riding with friends which is something I hadn’t been able to do with my heart horse (he was riding sound right to the end, but I hadn’t been able to haul him out on off-property rides). But another long story short, her owner and I didn’t see eye to eye on things and it all went south pretty fast. I did have the opportunity to buy her, but I didn’t as I felt it probably would have been something I would have regretted deeply.

So right there, in the span of about 6 months, I lost 2 horses. It was hard to want to keep going in riding, so I can find solidarity in how you feel. Without the barn, without a horse friend, I was pretty lost. I didn’t have many friends outside the barn community so it was lonely. But I got a wonderful little gelding a few months after I said goodbye to the mare and I’ve had him for 13 years now. And just to point out that you should never give up hope that things have a way of working out, 4 years after I thought she was gone for good, that little mare walked back into my life under very different circumstances. I've been happy to say that she’s been mine for the last 10 years and she’s with me for keeps. But the only way that was possible was for me to go on after she left the ranch all those years ago.

Hopefully you’ll be able to keep on going in your equestrian journey; keep taking lessons which will give you the opportunity to ride many different horses and let each of them teach you a little more about yourself as a rider. It’s never going to feel the way it did before, loss teaches us, and it’s something we have to cope with when it comes to horses and not our own and the circumstances out of our control (but also our own, although the circumstances are different there). I’m never going to get over the loss of my heart horse, no matter how many years go by, and in many ways, I wish things had been different and I hadn’t had to give up that mare (but then, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten my gelding so there’s the good and the bad there). It’s fine to grieve a loss, but if you do want to continue in the horse world and aren’t in a position to purchase, you’ll need to work with horses you don’t own, and you’ll just have to remind yourself to keep on going. 

At the risk of this reply getting too long, I just want to end with the thought that I firmly believe in kismet — that things happen for a reason and that the good horses will find a way back into our lives somehow. So chin up, love horses and carry on.


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## livelovelaughride (Sep 13, 2011)

I just wanted to say how sorry you've lost your equine partner, absolutely are they the best therapists around. Do allow yourself to grieve...and I think you will one day find another special horse that will catch your eyes and heart, I am certain Spartan knew of your affinity for him, energetically, and that same horse - sense will draw another horse to you..


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

I liked reading other people's replies and hope they gave you hope and strength.

I had horses all my life. Whenever we'd move, my parents made me sell my horse. When I went to college, I had to sell my horse, but the summer I graduated and got a "real" job, I felt I could get a horse again, one that would never ever be sold, one I could love as much as I wanted. I picked out an unbroken two year old (all I could afford) who was as wild the West Texas prairie he grew up on. Everybody told me I could never break and train him (I had started a number of colts before that so I knew I could). I boarded him on a quarter horse race farm, and they thought he was useless and that I was wasting my time. I just kept training him and working with him and loving him.

Then I moved to Maryland, and people started sitting up and taking notice of my then 4 year old colt. He was turning into quite a beauty with a lot of talent besides. One day on a foxhunt, a snooty neighbor asked how we had done at an exclusive horse show. I told her we had gotten 2 thirds. She looked at me with surprise, then looked my horse up and down and said, "Well, of course you would, with THAT horse!"

We had come a long way from being belittled and made fun of to winning ribbons in the big time shows. Then I let my brother ride him, he fell off, my beautiful talented horse was hit by a car and killed. I was devastated.

I went through a terrible time of hating horses. I would never have a horse so talented and fabulous, that people put down for years, and to prove them all so wrong. I bought project horses, trained them and sold them. I'd sell one and vow I'd never ride again. I went from not riding at all to riding 6 or 7 hours a day. I could not find a balance. I was lost. I thought I hated horses. I thought I couldn't live without them. Every day after work, if I didn't have a horse to go home to, I put my head on my desk and sobbed. It was awful.

After about 8 months of that misery, I bought a yearling filly and named her Magic because I hoped she'd work some magic in my life. She was to be a project, to be raised, trained, and sold. I vowed I'd never become attached to another horse. I kept training her to do more and more things, making excuses not to sell her. And with time, she did work magic in my life. I kept her until she died. It took so much time, and it was so hard, but I healed. Like others have said, you'll never have another horse like Spartan, but you'll find other amazing horses and come to love them too. And maybe, at some point, you'll be able to get Spartan back.


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

I, like many others, have experienced great loss in my lifetime as it relates to horses. What I want to convey the most to you is that our hearts have infinite capacity for love, it's one of our greatest gifts. As long as you seek it out there will be love to give to another horse. I don't believe in the term "heart horse" I am 50 years old and have owned and lost many many horses in my lifetime, and I hope to have many more. Grief and love are a part of living, be thankful that you got to experience the bond with Spartan and don't dwell on the loss as hard as it is to move on.


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