# Leaving a barn without it getting messy



## Verret66 (Jul 21, 2014)

So I've noticed there are a lot of questions like his but none of them are very close to home with me. 

So the barn I am currently boarding at I've been riding at for almost 5 years now. Over those 5 years I've become friends with the instructor/owner of the barn. We'll call her "A" . So over the past year A has been becoming more and more ungrateful to the help me and other boarders have been giving her. We help with lessons every day and feed ,water, clean stalls ,clean the barn ,watch her child ,clean her house and weed her yard. No exaggeration we do this every day. We don't get paid and we don't get any money off of our board. With this recently we have grown out of her teaching wise. So she agreed to let us have another instructor come and teach us but we have to keep her lesson which really racks up the cash. Every lesson we get with her, I have had many people who are more experienced than me saying that we aren't learning anything from her. If it was only that, i might consider pushing through it, but she frequently talks behind our backs to her other friends and talks about others to us. Anytime I miss a day I'm called ungrateful or annoying because of it. She once told a large group of my friends about money troubles my family had. we told her in private and asked that she doesn't tell anyone. There have also been some very concerning ways that they handle our horses. I already have a barn that wants me that is cheaper and my new instructor is there also. But I know A will take it very personally if I leave. (I know this was long but I feel you need all the details)


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## gssw5 (Jul 30, 2013)

If she takes your leaving personally it is her problem not yours. 

She sounds like she is a drain to have a relationship with, and if she is revealing personal information about you to others she is not a good friend. If your going to further your riding and gain more knowledge by changing barns then do it, there is nothing there for you to feel guilty about.


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## Chasin Ponies (Dec 25, 2013)

I'm afraid at this point there is no way to leave without her feeling angry and betrayed. But...she did step over the line by gossiping about your family finances.

In truth, despite the good memories (and I'm sure there are some) this is not a friend.

You can only try to not let her bad feelings bother you. Make sure you have a guaranteed spot at the new barn. Start taking your smaller stuff that you don't use much home. 

You could try to give her some notice but I'm afraid she'll make your life 
miserable. Be ready to pack up everything including your horse immediately-like within a half hour. I for one have experienced having my horse neglected after giving notice of leaving!

There is no way to make this pretty-just remember-she is not your friend. Friends do not betray confidences.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

Chasin Ponies said:


> I'm afraid at this point there is no way to leave without her feeling angry and betrayed. But...she did step over the line by gossiping about your family finances.
> 
> In truth, despite the good memories (and I'm sure there are some) this is not a friend.
> 
> ...


All of this. Unfortunately, it sounds in your situation like there is no easy way to leave without it getting nasty. Give your notice, but ONLY when you are certain that you can move your horse TODAY if things do get nasty. If you are required to give a 30 day notice with regards to payment then you'll need to be prepared to fork over the money to her, but don't leave your horse in a bad situation just to avoid paying board at two places. Having to deal with 30 days of tenseness for yourself is one thing, but irate people have been known to take things out on the horses. If you don't have mentioned anywhere in your boarding contract that you must give a 30 day notice, then I'd just move and not pay if things got ugly. It's not a nice thing to do, but this lady is NOT your friend. I wouldn't feel at all bad about it if things are as bad as you make out. 

Find your new barn, have a talk with the barn owner about when you can move. Come up with a best case scenario- the talk goes well with your A, you wait out your 30 days, and arrive in a month. Come up with a worst case scenario- A flips her lid, and you need to move the horse there tomorrow or anytime during the 30 days. I'd have your tack and belongings ready to move quickly, and have travel arrangements pre planned for your horse if you don't have a trailer. 

Confront the barn owner in private. Say that you need to have a talk with her, and say that you will be moving your horse on X day (while still being prepared to leave early if necessary). Say that you really appreciate everything she's done for you over the years and all of the help she's given you and your horse, but that you need to move. I wouldn't tell her where you're moving. It's not your job to save her feelings or keep her finances up, but keeping your sanity intact and your horse safe are your job.


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## kenda (Oct 10, 2008)

So let me get this straight: You are paying full for board, you are providing extensive free labour, you are being forced to pay for lessons wherein you do not learn anything, she guilts you when you miss a day, this person talks about you behind your back and reveals private information about you to others....That is not a friendship. That is a person using you and others and manipulating you into 100% benefit for her.

Move to the new barn and don't look back. If you are required to give notice, do so in a professional, non-emotional, WRITTEN way and if she blows up, be ready to move yesterday.


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## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

Sorry, but you are much more concerned about her than she has about you. Get over it. You are being used as a doormat. Get a stall at the new place, make arrangements to move and do NOT give your notice until the day you are leaving. But as has been said-be prepared to pay whatever notice has been agreed upon. Typically 30 days. Maybe skip a few lessons (which will save you double for each lesson from the sounds of it)and use that toward the notice. I would start taking stuff now, honestly. I clean my saddle and tack at home, after all…..and the brushes dry better in my yard….;-)


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

1) She is not your friend. 2) you are a paycheck to her. 3) leave.
I really do not understand why all these people do not leave when a barn no longer suits them,
the horses are treated badly, the owner or manager gossips about them
It is very simple. LEAVE.
If you lived here and would clean my house and yard and weed , pay on time.. I would jump up and down and clap my hands.. lol


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

stevenson said:


> 1) She is not your friend. 2) you are a paycheck to her. 3) leave.
> I really do not understand why all these people do not leave when a barn no longer suits them,
> the horses are treated badly, the owner or manager gossips about them
> It is very simple. LEAVE.
> If you lived here and would clean my house and yard and weed , pay on time.. I would jump up and down and clap my hands.. lol


It seems easy from an outside point of view, but it's much harder when you're the one doing the leaving! For one thing, there's a sense of comfort in staying where you are. There's a fear of the unknown, and a fear that you may wind up in a place that's worse for you. For another, many locations have very limited boarding options. 

Ask me how I know this :wink: I rode, and ended up boarding when I bought a horse, for the same place for the first several years of my horse life. I didn't like a lot of the people there and there was drama, but the care was good. Last year I moved to a new barn. Loved it, the care was pretty decent. Had a few complaints, but nothing bad. Loved most of the people out there. Care went downhill in the winter, and a couple of people caused trouble. I decided to move back to my original barn. Good thing I kept things civil with the old barn, and I kept things civil with the last barn. I'm basically alone with my riding out here now and I'm unhappy with it. Problem is, I can't find another place with good care within a reasonable driving distance. Not that this situation is about me in the slightest, but there's a benefit to trying to keep things cordial when you leave, and there are reasons why leaving a barn can be very difficult.


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## Emma2003 (Jan 9, 2014)

Verret66 said:


> We help with lessons every day and feed ,water, clean stalls ,clean the barn ,watch her child ,clean her house and weed her yard. No exaggeration we do this every day. We don't get paid and we don't get any money off of our board.


While it is a good thing to want to help a person out at times, you and the other volunteers are being taken advantage of in a BIG way. Also, she is being unprofessional and disrespectful by gossiping and she has nothing to offer you as a trainer. I would move on as soon as possible.

I understand you have been there a long time and probably feel some friendship and loyalty toward this person, but there nothing for you to gain by staying. I would tell her it doesn't make financial sense to pay her for lessons you don't need. If you feel like bringing up the other stuff, it may do her good to hear it. She may or may not take it well, but either way, IMO you are better off getting out of there. Best of luck.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

Emma2003 said:


> While it is a good thing to want to help a person out at times, you and the other volunteers are being taken advantage of in a BIG way. Also, she is being unprofessional and disrespectful by gossiping and she has nothing to offer you as a trainer. I would move on as soon as possible.
> 
> I understand you have been there a long time and probably feel some friendship and loyalty toward this person, but there nothing for you to gain by staying. I would tell her it doesn't make financial sense to pay her for lessons you don't need. If you feel like bringing up the other stuff, it may do her good to hear it. She may or may not take it well, but either way, IMO you are better off getting out of there. Best of luck.


I wouldn't mention the other things at all. It's one thing to mention financial reasons for moving, but when you mention personal problems, the horses' care, and the like then people will without a doubt get defensive. This will do nothing but make a bad situation worse, especially since this lady already seems a little nutty.


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## jenkat86 (May 20, 2014)

You remind me of myself. And your situation reminds me of the situation I was in just 2 months ago. I have boarded for 5 years and the one thing I have learned from boarding facilities is 1) you can't escape the "drama." 2) They will never take care of your horses like you would, and 3) Once you start feeling like something isn't right, you NEVER go back to feeling content. 

If I were you, I wouldn't think twice about going to the new barn. Are you wanting to keep a relationship with her? IMO, the BO violated your trust- so why worry about hurting her feelings if you leave? She SHOULD take it personally if you leave. Now, with that being said...I would have probably lost sleep worrying about if she was upset with me and all that, and I HAVE been in your position. Trust me, you will feel SO MUCH BETTER. 

It probably will get messy. While I was boarding I constantly wanted to avoid all the drama that was going on. So I mostly kept to myself, but I had a nice relationship with the owners. Once we all started getting more comfortable with each other, they began talking about other boarders, to me. This made me so uncomfortable, and if they are talking about others to me, then I KNOW they are talking about me to others. So, July 1st I moved out after 4 years. On July 2nd I got a call from them saying to keep my mouth shut or they will sue me for slander....REALLY!? Like I said before, I kept to myself. I never spoke bad about anything. That call just reaffirmed that I had made the right decision. 

Sorry for the book...don't worry about it getting messy. Everyone will move on, and you will be better for it. Good luck


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## Soccergoalie322 (May 20, 2014)

I don't understand what you are paying her for. It sounds like the boarders do all the work.


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## Mochachino (Aug 14, 2012)

From your description I thought you were getting lessons at a local barn in my town,...but then I saw your location and apparently not. You are being taken advantage of and being treated poorly, why would you be concerned if she takes it personally if you leave? I was somewhat in your situation but saw many people at a barn I was at being used and taken advantage of for the benefit of one person. Find another place to go to before giving your notice and I would encourage before you tell her you are leaving take everything home that you do not use daily. Some of my things and tack went missing. I left because I spoke up about a few things including care of horses and safety of riders.


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## luvmydrafts (Dec 26, 2013)

stevenson said:


> 1) She is not your friend. 2) you are a paycheck to her. 3) leave.
> I really do not understand why all these people do not leave when a barn no longer suits them,
> the horses are treated badly, the owner or manager gossips about them
> It is very simple. LEAVE.
> If you lived here and would clean my house and yard and weed , pay on time.. I would jump up and down and clap my hands.. lol


this...THIS ^ 

Ive moved barns 5 times in the past 2 years and each time i never had a hesitation or a regret...each time i reached a moment where I knew right then it was time to move and then my mind was made up... reasons were everything from knowing it just wasnt going to work with the BO to my horses not getting the best for their needs...usually my horses not getting their needs met...or it was cause it was too expensive...either way i knew right then i was moving cause these problems dont get better, they get worse and *if the problem is beyond your control then it will not change*...also what this person is doing borders on slander and libel...id move your horse quietly w/o telling anyone, then give the notice and pay an extra month or whatever it says you got to do in any contract you signed...if she keeps up the slander id threaten legal action to make her shut her trap...spreading personal and private financial information/untruths about others is illegal and i got 0 tolerance for it i would not hesitate to drag them thru court over it but thats up to you...after the 5 moves we made my boys are now living in a horsey paradise...it was all worth it! there are always better places out there...


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

Before I purchased a home with horse property, I boarded 4 horses. IF my horses were dropping weight, appeared more skittish, had the people gossiping about me, my family etc. I was GONE. I would simply tell the manager or owner I was moving my horses. 
I was leaving one place, the Owner came out, wanted to know why, told him the manager was a *****, explained why , after that the Manager stayed away from me , my family and my horses, she got two other complaints and was gone. I did have other people watching out for my horses. I dont put with Nonsense . None. Left one place after I would find empty fifths of whiskey bottles in my horse pens. Mailed the owner a note, Moved my horses . I was gone. 
So it is easy. I had to Rent horse trailers at the time. I would go after work and look at places, and move on a Saturday.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

"A" runs a business. You are unhappy with the services that are being provided, and so you are leaving. End of story


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## DocsPocoSanBar (Jul 22, 2014)

This sounds exactly like the situation I was in a few years ago. It is really hard for it not to get 'messy' and for there to be no hard feelings. In my situation I gave a business-like letter of my 30 days of notice, because at the end of the day that's what it is... a business and at this point you are no longer requiring her services. It really made the 30 days there awkward, but I just went out and did my own thing with my horse and minded my own business until it was time for us to leave. Do what you feel is right for yourself!


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