# When your family doesn't support your goals



## Red Gate Farm (Aug 28, 2011)

Offer to bring a salad to compliment the meal, as your token of appreciation for all the cooking she does! Then eat the salad with a "little" of the other stuff.


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## phantomhorse13 (Feb 18, 2011)

Wow. I wish I had some constructive advice.. but not sure that I do. 

Reading your post made me very angry on your behalf. Bad enough your MIL acts that way (which is totally ridiculous, IMO), but that your husband said that?! That would not have gone over well with me. At all.

I think if i was in your place, I would not go to dinner there at all. It sounds like going is a horribly stressful experience for you and your actions at dinner make your MIL mad/unhappy.. so surely staying home can't make her any more mad/unhappy. At least you can stay home and eat the meal you want to eat.


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## jenkat86 (May 20, 2014)

Red Gate Farm said:


> Offer to bring a salad to compliment the meal, as your token of appreciation for all the cooking she does! Then eat the salad with a "little" of the other stuff.


I have offered to do this, it was before the time I brought my own meal and she refused to put it out because I have a dog in my house...therefore my food was bad. 

Phantomhorse13- Trust me, this stuff doesn't go over well between my husband and me. It creates a whole different stressful situation. I'm an extremely stubborn person, so it's all I can do to just shut up and not be a total crazy lady about it. I often ask him why he won't take my side and he gives the whole, "oh, well I think you look perfect and you don't need to lose weight." Well, thanks but this expanding spare tire around my waist doesn't agree with you... 

Let me point out...other than this one, giant IMO issue, I have a very good relationship with my MIL (husband too!). I think that's why it frustrates me so much. I can't understand why. And I will say...this is my last resort so-to-speak before I quit joining them on Tuesday nights.


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## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

Your husband is as much of a problem as your MIL. 
I think you might have to stay home.
Maybe then they will know you are serious.


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## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

Can you try talking to your MIL at a different time about bringing your own food? Maybe if it's not after she's taken the time to cook the food she will be more reasonable and less emotional. It's a hard situation and I can imagine the bad feelings that will arise from not going at all, so hopefully it won't have to come to that.


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## fffarmergirl (Nov 21, 2012)

I would put the ball in her court: "Your food is very delicious and I wish I could eat myself full every time I have dinner here. I want your son to be able to come here and eat it, as it makes him very happy to have his mother's home cooking. I'm trying very hard to lose weight, so I have two choices. I can either come with him and eat very small portions of the good stuff and fill up with something light that I will happily bring myself, or I can not come. Either way would work out fine for me and there won't be any hard feelings. Which choice would work out better for you?" 

She sounds manipulative to me. That being said, I'm a mother-in-law and sometimes I admit I do resent my DIL because I have never had any time alone with my son since the day they got married, and I miss him. If it was me I'd want him to come alone. My DIL is a lovely girl but I really miss my son a lot. Maybe she resents you a little - that might explain some of her mean behavior, but it absolutely does not excuse it. I would never treat my DIL the way she is treating you.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

While everyone has GREAT suggestions, I don't think logic is in play here. Anyone who CRIES or acts out because you take a small portion is being manipulative and is using food as a control mechanism and an emotional blackmail, and your husband is playing right into it. 

I got the "oh you're beautiful as you are, I love you!" thing from my ex husband to - and he "loved" me into being nearly 400 lbs. You need to have a frank and serious talk with him that this is not about beauty, it is not about love- This is about HEALTH. 

I have experienced people being brutally offended when you won't eat their stuff when I am attempting to lose weight. It's not about you - it's about their need to control others and their own deep-seated emotional attachment to food. Have you ever seen someone who throws a tantrum if you don't serve turkey at Thanksgiving, or suggest anything different? 

My advice? Eat before you go. Tell her "Oh I was just so hungry earlier, I had a huge snack!" Let her cry. Tell her you love her, and help clear the other people's plates. If she persists, leave the house- some people need to be trained that you will not put up with poor treatment or tantrums. But don't give in. You are not obligated to martyr your waistline to other people's emotions.

If anyone asks, all you need to tell them is "I'm sorry, it's not up for discussion or debate."


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I would HATE seeing my MIL every week. I love her, she's a great person, but dinner at her house once a week would sour that relationship.

And, I'd require her to come and respectfully samply MY cooking some time.

this is a power play. your MIL must have some issues with self esteem to think that her only value to you and your husband is as a cook. maybe you need to find a way to interact with her that is not food related, and them you might feel better about declining some of her invitations.

is she fat?


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## jenkat86 (May 20, 2014)

Thanks everyone! You all bring up very good points. fffarmergirl- I really appreciate your perspective on this. I do think there is a resentment factor in play. My husband can do no wrong in her eyes, except put his wife first. Even though that last part has never been said, I feel like that's just the way it is. 

She won't come to our house because we have indoor animals and wear our shoes inside...so that means the house is dirty. She has never stepped foot inside my house. She will not eat anything that has been prepared in my house either. Now, it's annoying BUT I don't take that much offense to it because she does the same thing to her own daughter and son-in-law. 

Tinyliny- She is fat, to put bluntly. And I have diagnosed her as a hypochondriac. She has EVERY ailment known to man except for cancer. My goodness...the woman is in the ER every other week for something. 

Last night when we went over there I suggested doing a family weight loss challenge because my Father in law was saying how he needs to start losing weight too. Everyone, including her said they would do it. Then she sent us home with 5 lbs of left overs....really!? Lol...

I think I'm just going to bite the bullet and lay it out for her. I'm going to do what fffarmgirl suggested and put the ball in her court. It's going to be cut and dry. I work too hard all week to have one evening derail me like it does- over and over again.


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

Goodluck. I'm mostly vegetarian. I try to limit meat to one meal per week. 

I prefer free range eggs, and cage free chicken. Most places do not have that or do not support vegetarian meals so I have been known just to order mashed potatoes at dinner. 

With my digestive problems I try to eat my main meal of the day around 2pm and just have a small meal for supper. 

Your MIL would drive me crazy! I would be tempted to tell her that you have become vegetarian for health reasons and can no longer eat meat, just to get her off your back! 

Or I would just tell her I have a work related meeting every week and can no long attend her dinner party. 

We had a family friend who kept smoking in front of my dad after he quit. It was enough to get him to start smoking again after not smoking for 4 years. Now that he is back on, he cannot get off, nor does he even want to try.  Plus he smokes in the garage in front of the cat, and now my cat may have cancer from it. All due to one inconsiderate person... :-x

I'm sorry but your health needs to come first!


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## fffarmergirl (Nov 21, 2012)

Good Luck!


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## cakemom (Jul 4, 2010)

Oh to heck with her, join a book club that meets the same time. Let her have time with him and you have some time to yourself. 
As a woman who had gastric bypass- I fight sabatours daily....don't let them get you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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