# Felt like writing something :)



## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

I watched the waves crash against the white sand. The water was a very light blue, like the water you see in the pictures of the hidden away islands, undiscovred by humanity. The ocean lay to my right, with big blue mountains to my right. The mountains were nearer than they semmed, but the blue and black shadows cast by the clouds made it seem as if they were far. I swayed my hips in time to the black pony trudging through the sand beneath me. I looked down and stroked the little gelding's pitch black neck. "Almost there sleepy head, what about you pick up the pace for the last bit?" I asked the pony. Of course, he didn't answer, just truged on. I was far to big for the pony, called Moon. He had gotten the name from my mother, who thought the white smudge between his eyes looked like a moon in the black night. I was far too big for him, my feet trailing just above the ground, but the island's ponies were strong and well bred, and my weight didn't bother him much. He snorted and threw up his head. "Pretending to shy at something i see?" I said. Moon always did that. I squeezed my calves against his barrel and he broke uneasily into a trot. His spine hurt my but, since i was riding without a saddle, but it did not bother me. I have been riding like this for years. He chomped on the bit all the way to the passageway. We entred it, and giant blanck rock walls soared up, up, up above our heads, forming a wide tunnel-like passage to the village. The villages was called Harrison, after some englishman who had discovred it. It was one of those fairytale villages, where there was no poor and middleclass. Only a rich, richer and richest. My father was the mayor, and therfore we fell int the richest catagory.
We lived on a gaint piece of land on the far side of the village. You could almost call it a small farm, but it might be a bit bigger than that. Suddenly Moon slowed and i was pulled out of my thoughts. We were passing underneath the big wooden arc, roses growing up the sides of it. I gazed up to the silver lettering that read "Harrison". I greeted a bunch of people as i rode through the main street, which was lined by shops on either side. I turned left about halfway through the street. As soon as i emerged behind the shops, Big houses and several mansions replaced the shops on either side of the street. Ponies and horses grazed in paddocks on most properties. Harrison was big on horseriding, as in 90% of the people had a horse or pony. We had no boarding facilities, since evryone kept their own horses, but we did have a lot of rings and arenas. You found them as commonly as parks would be found in another place.
I pushed a strand of my dark auburn hair back behind my ear. Instead of bicycle paths the town also sported horse trails, neatly laid out next to the roads. Moon was walking on one now, a bit faster now that he knew a treat would be waiting at home. I cut through a open field and trotted down Cherry lane towards my home at the end of it. Finally i reached the big black gates, which were there only for decoration. Next to them ran a waist length fence, looking newly painted. I dismounted. I pushed the gates open and Moon walked through. After a few steps he stopped. I pused the gate closed again, and instead of riding down the long driveway, lined either side by trees, i turned my pony to the left. 
On my right there were some of mother's rose bushes lining the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. The barn was red and made of wood. THe big double doors reached the ceiling and were freshly painted black. Father had it painted from white about a week ago. The stalls were actually just little pens inside a building. Each horse's was about three poles high. The feeding and water throughs were at the back against the barn walls.
Near the latch gates you found a buket hung on a peg, next to a halter, that hung next to a grooming kit. Inside the bucket we put loose items, like extra brushes or an extra halter. The grooms would take the unnecisary things out and put them away.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Sorry for grammar and spelling.... In the first few sentences the ocean is to her right, the mountains to her left .
It'salso black rock in the passageway, not whatever i said.
And it's waist height, not waist length (the fence).


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

WaveHorse said:


> I watched the waves crash against the white sand. This sentence is very lacking in suspense for your first in the story, and kind of 'telly' rather than showing the reader. Showing is hard to explain. The water was a very light blue, like the water you see in the pictures of the hidden away islands, undiscovered by humanity. Watch your grammar and the amount of 'telling'. there are two unnecessary 'the's in there. The ocean lay to my right, with big blue mountains to my left. The mountains were nearer than they seemed, but the blue and black shadows cast by the clouds made it seem as if they were far. I cringe at this grammar. I swayed my hips in time to the black pony trudging through the sand beneath me. What pony? Try to introduce the fact that the character is mounted earlier. I looked down and stroked the little gelding's pitch black neck.
> 
> New paragraph here."Almost there sleepy head, what about you pick up the pace for the last bit?" I asked the pony. Nice natural speech, doesn't feel forced. Could be improved a little though. Of course he didn't answer, just trudged on. I was far too big for the pony, whose name was Moon. He had gotten the name from my mother, who thought the white smudge between his eyes looked like a moon in the black night. "My mother had named him for the crescent-shaped white smudge between his eyes." I was far too big for him, you just said that my feet trailing just above the ground, but the island's ponies but island ponies were strong and well bred, and my weight didn't bother him much. He snorted and threw up his head abrupt, try "Suddenly, he snorted and threw up his head, catching me off-guard.".
> 
> ...


Just doing a quick critique from a writer's point of view  Red is me.

You REALLY need to proofread. There are so many typos in this that it makes it difficult to properly critique. To be honest I gave up on critiquing the quality of the writing and just did the spelling and grammar.

Watch you don't repeat yourself!


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## faiza425 (Dec 21, 2012)

The story has potential to be good. Since blue eyed pony has commented about the grammar, I'll refrain from saying anything except take her advice, and work on improving your skills. There are lots of sites with rules of writing that you can learn from, just search Google for them.

However, there is a whole lot of description of the things around the characters and very little action. I'm not saying it's wrong to describe things and ease into the action, but don't just passively tell your reader about the surroundings. The barn was freshly painted, fantastic - but does the main character like it? Does she like being the mayor's daughter? Does she enjoy being rich and living on the island? Use your descriptions to reveal the character's personality and feelings.

To give you an example (my additions are brackets):

On my right there were some of mother's rose bushes lining the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. [I sighed a little. You would think living with such beauty and finery would be wonderful, and it was. However, sometimes everything was a little too perfect.] In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. [My one respite from my fairytale life was being with the horses. Out on the island trails, I didn't have to be the model daughter I had to be at home.]

(Obviously the story doesn't have to go in that direction, but that's just to show you what I'm trying to say.) Too much description and not enough analysis makes for a boring read and flat characters.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Thanks a lot @blue eyed pony and @fazia425. I know i suck at grammar, spelling and whatever more . But i'll try and go ver it again next time


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

I'm not too worried about the paragraphs, since the story is only for fun and to entertain myself .

I put Moon into his stall, and put his bridle away. "There there," I said as i smoothed his forelock. "Morning Rebecca!". I turned around. "Morning Josh," I smiled at the stablehand. He took a strand of his bleached white hair out of his eyes, revealing their green colour. He looked strange, half boyish, half manly. I liked it. I quickly cleared the thoughts away. "Would you be a dear and wash Moon?" I asked politely. "Sure," He replied. I turned and walked outside into the warm sunshine. I turned my head and gazed down at the paddocks near the gate. "So peacefull," I murmured. And it was. There wasn't even a hint of a breeze. The only signs of life were a few birds looking for food and three horses grazing peacefully. I headed up to the house. It was quite a long walk, but it didn't bother me. 
As soon as i entered the kitchen, i pulled my boots off. "Mother?" I called. Instead of my mother, Emmy entred the kitchen. Emmy was one of our maids. She also basicly raised me. 
"Hush! Your mother is sleeping. She has a headache," Emmy said.
"Sorry," I whispered.
"Are you hungry?" Emmy asked a bit more softly. I shook my head. I wandered through the giant house for a while before deciding to take another ride.

Sorry again for spelling and typos


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## faiza425 (Dec 21, 2012)

WaveHorse said:


> I'm not too worried about the paragraphs, since the story is only for fun and to entertain myself .


Come on now, how hard is it to hit enter when someone new begins to speak or the subject changes? 

Anyway, my critique now is that it seems like you are writing for content more than to propel the story into the main conflict. Are you making this up as you go, or do you have at least some idea what you want the story to be about? Although you have introduced two new characters, your paragraph ended with her wandering around the house and then deciding to ride again. Something needs to start happening here.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Ok, so I decided to start over completely, adding and getting rid of things and trying to improve things over all. I’m basically copying, pasting, editing and then posting, so if you find mistakes mentioned before, and you don’t feel like repeating, don’t .

I watched the waves crash against the white sand. They made a soft, soothing sound, mixing with the sound of the hoof beats of my pony. The water was a very light blue, like the water you see in pictures of hidden away islands, undiscovered by humanity. 

The ocean lay to my right, with big blue mountains to my left. The mountains were closer than one might think, yet, they seemed far. Almost as if nobody can ever reach them. The feeling made me feel empty, and a longing clenched my heart into a tight fist, never to be released. The scene was rather perfect, as perfect as the human eye could process. The pony beneath me only added to the beauty. I looked down and stroked the little gelding's pitch black neck. The love I felt for my trusty steed banished the aching I had felt before.

"Almost there sleepy head, what about you pick up the pace for the last bit?" I asked the sleepy pony. Of course, he didn't answer, just trudged on. But sometimes I _knew_ that he would answer, sometimes I swear he did. Our bond was just that deep.

I was far too big for the pony, called Moon. My mother had named him for the crescent-shaped white smudge between his eyes. I wanted to name him something fancier, but mother insisted that it suited him. I knew now that it was true, considering how dark he sometimes was. I frowned. He was a bit of a strange pony, but I loved him none the less. My feet trailed just above the ground, but the island's native ponies were strong and well bred, and my weight didn't bother him much.

Suddenly he snorted and threw up his head, causing me to lose my balance a bit. "Pretending to shy at something I see?" I said. Moon always did that. This time he had been a bit more gentle about it. I often fell off, but never got hurt. I was far too close to the ground for that.

I squeezed my calves against his barrel and he broke unwillingly into a trot. His spine hurt my butt, since I was riding without a saddle, but it didn’t bother me. I have been riding like this for years. He chomped on the bit all the way to the passageway.

We entered it, and giant black rock walls soared up, up, up above our heads, forming a wide tunnel-like passage to the village. As soon as you entered, the temperature dropped, and it was a little spooky. As if a ghost’s wail or shriek would sound at any minute. The thought sent shivers down my spine. The village was called Harrison, after some Englishman who had discovered it. It was one of those fairytale villages, where there was no poor or middleclass. Only the rich, richer and richest. My father was the mayor, and therefore we fell into the richest category.

We lived on a giant piece of land on the far side of the village. You could almost call it a small farm, but it might be a bit bigger than that.

Suddenly Moon slowed and I was pulled out of my thoughts. We were passed underneath the big wooden arch, roses growing up the sides of it. I gazed up to the silver lettering that read "Harrison".

I greeted a bunch of people as I rode through the main street, which was lined by shops on either side. I turned left about halfway through the street. Big houses and several mansions soon replaced the shops on either side of the street. Ponies and horses grazed in paddocks on most properties. This was my favorite part of the ride; gazing at all the pretty houses, horses and ponies. Here and there a dog could be spotted, even though the people here preferred more exotic pets.

I had a dog of my own, a big Rhodesian ridgeback ***** named Cherry. She had a more brownish tint to her coat than red, and she had beautiful, beautiful yellow eyes. Oh, how I adored her eyes. So full of emotion and passion, they were something to admire indeed.

Harrison was big on horse riding; 90% of the people had a horse or pony. We had no boarding facilities, since everyone kept their own horses, but we did have a lot of rings and arenas. They were as common as parks would be in another place.

I think i might have broken the paragraphs too much *blush*


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## blue eyed pony (Jun 20, 2011)

No, this is perfect. Short paragraphs are much nicer to read than huge chunks of text.

There's a BIG difference between the first go-through and this try. This try is much better written. Grammar still isn't perfect but I'm not going to get too nitpicky on it and the spelling is MUCH improved!


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## faiza425 (Dec 21, 2012)

:clap: So much better! Glad you decided to rewrite, you made great improvements! I'm excited to see for the next part.


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## Horse7550 (Mar 8, 2014)

I think that you are doing a good job capturing the beauty of the ocean. You have good descriptiveness. 
I love writing. I have been writing for seven years. My sister who is getting her bachelor degree for commercial writing always edits my stories and books. 
I recently completed The Broken Heart: Progress to Normality. It's about an Autistic girl names Katie. 
I just want to say that seeing your mistakes is very hard. I have experienced that when my sister critiqued my last two books. 

Keep your chin up and just fix your mistakes! I always say that when I see a pile of critiqued papers on my desk.

P.S. GREAT job fixing your story!!!!!!!! 

PSS I once had a Rhodesian Rigdeback dog too. Her name was Thika because, since she was an African dog, the Flame Trees of Thika, an African town, suited her well.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Thanks @Horse7550, @blue eyed pony and @fazia ! Horse7550: I LOVED my Ridgeback (actually called Cherry  ). She was my other half, and i miss her dearly :'(. We had to leave her behind when we came to Australia, but i hope to see her again someday. They are (in my opinion), the best and most wonderful dogs in the world <3

I'll post the rest later today and i'll try to add some more


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Ok, here's that last bit  ;

I pushed a strand of my dark auburn hair back behind my ear. Instead of bicycle paths the town also sported horse trails, neatly laid out next to the roads. Moon was walking on one now, a bit faster now that he knew a treat would be waiting at home.

I cut through an open field and trotted down Cherry Lane towards my home at the end of it. Finally I reached the big black decorative gates. Next to them ran a waist height fence, also black. I dismounted and pushed the gate open for Moon. He walked through and stopped after a few steps. I closed the gate again and remounted. I ducked underneath some branches of the trees that lined the long driveway, and headed to the left.

On my right there were some of mother's rose bushes lining the garden, where the grass was cut perfectly short and rolled all the way to the big white mansion beyond. I loved how neat and perfect everything looked. It gave off a sense that the people inside the walls of the mansion was important, which they were.

In front of me lay the barn. We had thirteen horses, at least six of them island ponies. The barn was red and made of big bricks. They were perfectly aligned with each other, showing the grey cement. The big double doors reached the ceiling and were freshly painted black. Father had it painted from white about a week ago. The stalls were actually just little pens inside a building. Each horse's was about three poles high. The feeding and water troughs were fixed to the walls at the back.

As I entered the cool barn, a big dog leaped up from in front of the tack room. “Hi girl!” I greeted my dog, Cherry. I dismounted and lead Moon to his stall.

Near the latch gates you could find three things. A bucket, a halter, and a grooming kit, each on their own peg. Inside the bucket we put loose items, like extra brushes or an extra halter. The grooms would take the unnecessary things out and put them away.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

I put Moon into his stall, and put his bridle away. "There there," I said as I smoothed his forelock, a soothing feeling filling me. Cherry sat at the barn door, whining and urging me to go play with her. I gazed over to her. Just then Josh rounded the corner, patting her head along the way."Morning Rebecca!"

"Morning Josh," I smiled at the stable hand. He took a strand of his bleached white hair out of his eyes, revealing their green color.. He looked strange, half boyish, half manly. I liked it. I quickly cleared the thoughts away. "Would you be a dear and wash Moon?" I asked politely. 

"Sure," He replied. I turned and walked outside into the warm sunshine, Cherry walking right next to me. I turned my head and gazed down at the paddocks near the gate. "So peaceful," I murmured. And it was. There wasn't even a hint of a breeze. Cherry waged her tail in agreement. The only signs of life were a few birds looking for food and three horses grazing peacefully.

Suddenly Cherry started barking and ran down to the gate. I lifted my hand to shield my eyes against the sun. I recognized Laura’s black hair. She was a very close friend of my mother, and she had probably come to visit her. I gave a low whistle. Two of the horses lifted their heads, and Cherry quit her barking. 

The whistle was what my family used to signal and train all our animals. Cherry walked back over to me, pretending to be upset. “Yeah you little rascal! I know you better than that,” I said laughing. Cherry quit her fake sulking and whined in agreement. I had the same bond with her as with Moon, and the two animals were the best of friends.
I jogged to the gate and dragged it open for Laura. “Hey Laura,” I said.

“Hi sweetheart,” she replied, scooping her ferret up off the ground. “Is your mother around?” she asked.
“Not sure, but probably,” I said, smiling. Laura was my favorite out of all my mom’s friends. We walked up the driveway together. Laura talked about how she had walked Angel, her ferret, all the way to the beach, and how much he had enjoyed it. I also loved Laura so much because she happened to be an excellent rider and had taught me how to ride.

“So pumpkin, when’s our next beach ride scheduled? We haven’t gone riding in a while,” she said. 
“Well, maybe we could go the day after tomorrow? After school?” I said. Me and Laura often went on rides to the beach. If the water was ok, we’d swim as well. Those afternoons were always the highlight of my week. “Sounds perfect,” she said happily.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

I held the front door open for Laura, puzzled that one of the maids or the butler didn’t rush to do so. Laura also seemed puzzled for a second, but she soon wiped the emotion off her face. Angel started squirming and trying to jump out of Laura’s arms. In her struggle to control Angel, she didn’t notice in what a mess the front hall was, but I did.


Panic filled me. Something was wrong. Very very wrong. “Laura?” I said softly. Laura lifted her head. She had stuffed Angel in her pet carry bag. She gasped, shock filling her face.


The mirrors were smashed, tables overturned and vases broken. To the right the door to the guest sitting room was kicked in. The door was only closed when mother was reading inside there. I rushed to the door, but just before I could step inside, Laura grabbed my shoulder and pulled my back. “Listen sweetheart, we don’t know what’s in there, we have to be careful. Let me lead, ok?” she whispered. I nodded. She was right.

 I glanced around the hall. It was a short hallway, opening up to a big circular room, where we stood now. A big marble staircase lead up to the second floor, where there were twin staircases leading up to the third floor. In the front hall, there was a door on the left, leading to the kitchen, and one on the right, where my mother might be.

Laura quickly slipped off her high heels, and motioned for me to do the same with my boots. I obeyed and we quietly sneaked up to the bashed in door.


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Laura peeked around the corner, careful not to touch the splinters. Then she gasped. I tried to figure out what was going on by watching her face, but I saw nothing. “Laura?” I said softly. She slowly rose from her crouching position, and stepped inside.

I followed, and a gasp slipped past my lips as well. All the love seats, couches and armchairs were piled near the door. Coffee tables were overturned and more vases broken. The fire in the fireplace weakly flickered, the flame dancing a dance of sorrow. Sorry that it was going to die out, that nobody tried to save it.

Laura was crouching next to my mother’s body, which was slumped down off the loveseat by the window. I slowly walked until I stood next to her. I couldn’t see her face, but it was obvious that she had been beaten. 

The only telephone was smashed next to the pile of furniture. Being on an island far from humanity meant we didn’t have great technology.

“Ok sweetheart,” Laura said, turning to me. Worry flashed in her eyes, along with a bit of fear. I felt the same. Except, I was very scared. “Get some horses and go fetch the doctor, tell him to hurry. As soon as you get back, try and find some of the staff,” she said. 

Without a word I turned and left to do as she said.


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## Horse7550 (Mar 8, 2014)

Oh, I like it!!! That's very good! Kind of surprising too!  

I sort of have a problem with this little article as follows: The fire in the fireplace weakly flickered, the flame dancing a dance of sorrow.

There isn't nothing TERRIBLY wrong whit it, but there is a way you can modify it. 

Try this: The fire in the fireplace weakly flickered; the smoke from the flames danced sorrowfully. 
IDK if that was the picture you were looking for, but I thought it could be a little less confusing!  
But I really like your progress!!!


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

Actually Horse7550, that sounds great! Thanks  
I'll try and get some more up tommorow, i know I havn't been on here for a while


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## Horse7550 (Mar 8, 2014)

Your welcome! It was no problem. My sister is an "editor"--so I call her.  
She has taught me a way through Ignite Writing how to read something and then change it. 

I would love to read some more of your work.
When I upload my book or get it published, I hope you can read it. It is a good book and I DEFINETELY don't say that about most of my books!


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## WaveHorse2 (Aug 23, 2013)

What's the book's name Horse7550?  I'd LOVE to read it!
So sorry i couldn't get more up, I'm drowning in assignments :'(


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## Horse7550 (Mar 8, 2014)

The Broken Heart: Progress to Normality 

It is about an Autistic girl who seeks refuge at her aunt's house, but just as she becomes comfortable, a tragic accident happens.


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