# Husband vs. Horses



## evilgreen1 (Mar 15, 2016)

Any of you have issues with your spouse or significant other disdaining or having a thinly-veiled hatred for your horses or horse habits? 


My husband befriended me, dated and married me knowing horses were what ran in my blood and everything in my life revolved around my next ride or horse experience. We bought a house with land and I told him, I wanted horses on it. He watched me clear land myself and fence for over a year to get our property ready. He even made a few comments that if it came down to it and Soldier had to find a new home, we could do a temporary fence and put him across the driveway.


Brought my two geldings home late June and couldn't be happier! Except my husband can't seem to be anything but negative about my passion. I get up early and ride on weekends and days off so I don't interfere with family activities. I do spend every spare moment and chance I get with the horses.


Last weekend my husband says he thinks they are too big of an expense and liability if we fall on hard times. I got a new job that doubled my income in February, so we are by no means struggling. I buy $3.00 hay because both my boys are easy keepers and could stay chubby on the smell of hay. He says since I brought them home all I do is talk about horses--good thing he didn't know me as a horse crazy teen--and that we don't do anything together as a family. We have a toddler and he enjoys going into the pasture and poo-picking, dropping grain, brushing and hugging the horses. We live in North Carolina and it's hot as Hades, so what on earth would we do?? I don't see much change in our family dynamic, other than my husband's anger at my horse habit.


Any advice? What am I going to do? If we split, (obviously, we have been having other trouble in our marriage for it to come to this thought) my husband would no doubt move back to Alaska. No problem for me there, I can handle the house and yard fine on my own. But we also have our son and I don't want him to have to grow up being split between NC and AK. I think we need counseling and haven't broached the subject. But if it comes to it, I'm not giving up my love of horses or having them home.


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

I think therapy is a great option. I think therapy is essential for most couples, actually. It can be helpful to get at the root of the issue, because I guarantee you it isn't about the horses. Perhaps he's feeling neglected, or like he's not a priority anymore. Doesn't make it true, but if someone is feeling those feelings, even without knowing why, it can be hard to come to a solution without getting to the bottom of WHY. Was he abandoned by someone before? Is he afraid you will leave him for someone who shares that passion of horses? Is he not sure about where life is taking you as a family? Whatever the hang up, it'll be helpful for everyone to get it in the open so it can be worked on.


Good luck. I hope you two can find a way to work it out. (((hugs)))


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

However much time and attention I give to my horses, I make sure to give my husband equal time and attention. 

It has been years, but he is coming around to understanding why I love my boys and that he enjoys them too.


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## evilgreen1 (Mar 15, 2016)

We have the added hurdle of being on different schedules. I work 8-5 and he works 3-11pm. I try to give him and the kid as much attention as they'll let me. He is an unhappy person to begin with, and I understand that about him. Maybe seeing me so happy is making him feel his unhappiness even more. I know he's unhappy with his job and doesn't necessarily like living where we do. I have pushed him to find a job he enjoys like I did. I refuse, however, to move back to Alaska. I lived there 10 years and that was plenty to let me know I would be miserable if I moved back.


I've tried to get him involved with my horses, even bought Nova because he's big enough and mellow enough for my husband to ride. But he shows no interest and even scoffed at me when I tried to show him how to put a halter on in case of emergencies.


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## Folly (Jan 27, 2015)

*** I'm leaving my comment below because it is my story, but you were posting the above (with some more info) at the same time I was posting. I do wish you the very best - and do hope he is willing to work through his issues. It can be so hard, I know.

--------------------------------------------------

I'm very grateful that my husband encourages and appreciates my love for horses - and I frequently make a point of sincerely thanking him for understanding even if he doesn't 'get it'. I often tell him he won "husband of the year" when he does something to 'enable' my madness. I'm also very cognizant of his interests - and encourage him to spend time and $ (within our budget of course) on them. I try to balance my talking about horses with asking questions and truly taking interests in what makes him tick. 

Please don't give up too easily on the relationship, unless there are some huge unspoken issues. Your child is so worth the effort. Wishing you all the best -


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## cbar (Nov 27, 2015)

I can relate to what you are dealing with. It seems my b/f struggles with supporting the things that I love to do. Granted, the things I love to do take up a lot of my time (horses and running)...but I also try to make time to do the things he likes. I think he gets frustrated as well since he doesn't ride or have any real interest in them. He's mentioned on more than one occasion that they aren't worth more than glue....I try not to take it to heart,

I agree that therapy would be a good idea...hopefully get to the heart of where the issues are. It could end up being something that you are both willing to sort out to have a happy relationship together (and likely has very little to do with the horses).


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

evilgreen1 said:


> He is an unhappy person to begin with, and I understand that about him. Maybe seeing me so happy is making him feel his unhappiness even more.



This speaks to a deeper issue than just the horses. The horses are not the cause, they are a symptom. 

Not to get too weird and personal, but my husband gets to see another side of me around my horses, he says it's sexy; He just says that it lets him see a side of me that I don't often show.

I would say that yes, probably some counseling would be a good idea.

Ditto on the best wishes for both of you.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Ditto what others have said about the horses just being a symptom. To me, it sounds like the horses simply symbolize the imbalance in your marriage.

You are living where you want, have the life you want, a job that pays well, and a hobby you are passionate about. What does he have? A job he doesn't like with hours that don't let him spend much time with his family, living far from the place he wants to be. If I were in his shoes, I'd be pretty jealous of you. 

Maybe instead of focusing on the horses, focus on the kind of changes he would like to make in his *own* life, with your support, that would make him happier.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Depending on where YOU are at in your marriage, your response can be several different things. 

If you still want to work it out, try for therapy, I usually recommend individual and then couples therapy. 

If you're pretty well done with it, then I'd tell him that the horses were there when he met me and they'd still be there when he left. That's pretty much throwing down an ultimatum, so not to be done lightly. 

I did that once when mine tried to blame his whole unhappiness with several things on my horses, who had NOTHING to do with his unhappiness, and I had tried several things, several times to get him to do therapy, talk, whatever. When he threatened to take them all to auction, I laid down the law. Once he clearly understood that if he forced a choice he'd lose, he decided to get real. That was close to 25 years ago and now he's riding and loving on them daily. It could easily have gone the other way though.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

I agree with everyone on the horses being a symptom, not a cause. I believe you are right about needing counseling, and I think you may have to have a Come To Jesus meeting with your husband about this. He knew what you were going into this, you have tried to include him in it, etc. I can understand someone saying "I tried this and I just don't like it, it is not for me", but that requires him to understand that taking away something that someone else is passionate about to make HIM happy is about as effective at shooting yourself in the foot to avoid trimming your toenails.

Does he have ANY hobbies or passions that you would be willing to try? Have you been able to arrange any sort of date night where it is just the two of you spending time together? He may be feeling resentful because of not spending time with you. It can be a major symptom of his own unhappiness, but there is only so much you can do about that. He has to be willing to work towards finding his own happiness. 

Definitely seek counseling with him. If he refuses counseling, go alone - there is nothing saying you cannot seek counseling and advice for yourself, and it may give you tools to try, or help you work through the emotions you are feeling. 

He has to be willing to give equal effort here. If he's invested in saving your marriage and being a family with your son, then he will put the work in as well.

One thing I will say is to compliment and thank him regularly. And I don't mean once a month - daily, or multiple times a day, say or do something nice. I think many men who are working unhappy jobs get into a funk where they are stressed and feel like all they do is work, take care of the home, and sleep. They start feeling like nothing they do is good enough, or that they don't get to enjoy anything they have worked for while their families do. 

So even if it's just him washing the dishes, helping with the property or horses, or anything else he does without being asked, thank him and be sincere. One thing I have discovered is that men LIVE for praise.


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## jamesqf (Oct 5, 2009)

evilgreen1 said:


> I refuse, however, to move back to Alaska. I lived there 10 years and that was plenty to let me know I would be miserable if I moved back.


 I can certainly understand how a person used to decently cool weather could be unhappy in "hot as Hades" North Carolina. Could you split the difference and move to e.g. Washington State?

Though as other have said, it does seem that the horses are a symptom of some deeper problem, not the cause. My riding partner has a husband who doesn't ride (though he likes the horses as pets). He's quite happy to get her out of the house so he can play golf or watch football in peace


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I also have to agree- the horses are not the cause, they're the symptom. 
You mentioned that he's an unhappy person to begin with- it could be, that if he sees how happy YOU are, he may be 'jealous'. However, you may not really know 'why' he's unhappy. Could be something from the past that he isn't quite over, or who knows what. That's what needs to come to the surface. The root of the problem. You have the horses to make you happy, and he...well, he has a family, a job, etc. but he doesn't really have something that makes him happy like you do with the horses. He may not have something to 'run to' if he's feeling upset.

I wouldn't give up just yet- I'd try counseling, at least one time. I think it would benefit you two. Maybe he is one of those people that doesn't like to really talk about what's going on inside, or it's hard for him to open up. Men can be stubborn when it comes to their feelings. It could be something so small.

As for the child, I think you both should work on it (do counseling at least) for his sake- no family is perfect, but I think you two can make it work.  He just needs to find a happy medium and you both need to talk about your feelings.

I wish you guys the best! Please keep us updated!


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## jenkat86 (May 20, 2014)

I have a very similar situation as you other than we don't have children. I had horses long before my husband ever came along. He even dove into and enjoyed it for awhile before and shortly after we were married...but then the fun of it wore off for him, and he started resenting the fact that I was a horse crazy girl at heart. 

I think the majority of it was the money. He hated the monetary commitment the horses required. Our solution- we have separate bank accounts. My money is my money, and his money is his money. Plenty of folks think it's a horrible idea, but it has worked great for us. It may not stay that way forever, but like I said...right now it works. 

We are in a much better place now than we used to be in. And like the other's have said- the horses aren't what caused it, they just highlight the underlying issue. We HAD to talk about it. We agreed to go to counseling, but somewhere along the way, us talking about counseling actually BECAME the counseling. It just opened up the gateway for us to start talking to each other again. We're able to enjoy each other's company again. I'll go hunting with him (his hobby) and he'll sit all day on the tailgate of the truck watching me chase cows...and actually enjoy it now!


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## evilgreen1 (Mar 15, 2016)

My husband's "hobby" is shooting. He shoots competitions most weekends of the month and I fully support him going to them. He also casts and reloads his own ammunition, which I honestly don't have much interest in, but keep the baby out of his hair so he can do that. I found the range we belong to and go with him as frequently as I can. He built me a rifle and I bought a 9mm and really enjoy shooting and going to the range. Our son, however, can only manage about an hour with his earmuffs on and puts a damper on the outings. 


My husband is from Fayetteville. Lived there until he was 11, so it's not like he didn't know how hot it was when we settled here. I asked him where he wanted to live and he told me to pick. He thinks we would go back to AK and it would be like it was when we were in our 20s, partying all night, going fishing at 3am in the summers, calling friends with no notice and being able to hang out, going on day long snowmachine outings. Not realizing everyone up there is now an adult with an adult job and kids to take care of. Not to mention the sky high cost of living.


Compliments seem to mean nothing to him. I use to tell him how good the grass looked after he cut it and got no response. Now I cut it more often than he does. I use to thank him for doing indoor things like unloading the dishwasher and he eventually gave a response-can't recall what it was-that made me to stop. He never thanks me for dinners or helps me clean up or does any housework. 


We lived long distance for a few years, so not seeing each other is not much of a problem, I actually think it does us good. 


Thank y'all for being supportive. I certainly don't want my marriage to end. We've been married 6 years and it just seems to keep getting worse and worse. I am hopeful we can pull out of this tailspin, but it's difficult to know where to begin.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

evilgreen1 - sorry to hear this. I don't mean this to come off as preachy, but maybe, for the sake of your son, do try counselling first, assuming your husband is willing. It really does open up a dialogue. 

My husband and I went through some bumpy first weeks after I got the horses. He felt I was always at the barn. That hasn't really changed  but I try to give him more attention. It's not about how much time you have to give your spouse, it's about appreciating them during that time. Also, there were times when I was stressed about the horses (particularly when I bought a horse that turned out to be a bigger project than I had anticipated) and that really sent him over the edge. His reaction was "I thought horses were going to make you happier and make our relationship better!". I realized that I needed to focus on the positives so he could see that overall, the horses really do make me happy. So instead of complaining that Kodak's really spooky, I tell him about how we had an awesome ride (when it happens - when it doesn't, I just don't say anything, but try not to be negative about it). 

All that to say that while it took some adjusting, things have ironed out because we talked about them, and he has become very supportive, even going out to give the horses apples sometimes. He's growing rather fond of them, even though he doesn't ride or interact with them that much. It also helps that he has a hobby and that I make sure he has time to pursue that as well. With two kids who are involved in sports, it takes a lot of juggling, but we manage to give each other precious time off to pursue our interests, even if it means lowering expectations in other areas.


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

evilgreen1 said:


> it's difficult to know where to begin.


That’s what a good councilor will do for you, help untangle the ball of yarn so you can see where it leads.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

evilgreen1 said:


> My husband's "hobby" is shooting. He shoots competitions most weekends of the month and I fully support him going to them. He also casts and reloads his own ammunition, which I honestly don't have much interest in, but keep the baby out of his hair so he can do that. I found the range we belong to and go with him as frequently as I can. He built me a rifle and I bought a 9mm and really enjoy shooting and going to the range. Our son, however, can only manage about an hour with his earmuffs on and puts a damper on the outings.
> 
> 
> My husband is from Fayetteville. Lived there until he was 11, so it's not like he didn't know how hot it was when we settled here. I asked him where he wanted to live and he told me to pick. He thinks we would go back to AK and it would be like it was when we were in our 20s, partying all night, going fishing at 3am in the summers, calling friends with no notice and being able to hang out, going on day long snowmachine outings. Not realizing everyone up there is now an adult with an adult job and kids to take care of. Not to mention the sky high cost of living.
> ...


Sorry, I typed up my previous post before reading this. Seems you've already done a lot of the things we're suggesting. It also sounds like your husband is pretty negative all-around. So is mine and it's one of the things I like least about him. I've actually told him so a few times and he seems to be making an effort to be less negative. Can you talk to him at all? What does he say if you ask him if he's happy? I asked my husband that question once and he was like "what? what do you mean?". He was just bewildered. Seemed like a simple question to me, but he was completely thrown by it for some strange reason. He just worked hard, came home and worked hard some more, and didn't really think about whether he was happy. He never did give me an answer, but I think he thought about it... and I'd say he's a happier man now. 

If he doesn't respond to compliments, how about actions? Does he appreciate it if you do something nice for him? My husband hunts (funny how common it is that horsey women marry hunters/shooters) so once in a while, I'll be at the store and I'll buy him a hunting magazine. It's so small, but he's so totally shocked by it and really appreciates it. 

It does sound like your husband needs to do some soul-searching.


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## evilgreen1 (Mar 15, 2016)

I think finances are a big issue for him. I'm doing a break down of our finances for the last couple of months and hope to discuss that and everything else, too. (So far this month he's spent $134 on eating out...and my horses are expensive...) I asked him if he wanted separate accounts a couple weeks ago and he said no, he didn't think that was necessary. 


I have a lot of trouble showing him I'm appreciative when I can't get a "thank you" for dinner. He's a lot like his dad, who is also a very unhappy person. I really don't want my son to grow up thinking its ok to treat his spouse like this. I've seen what it's done to my husband's mother and I won't end up broken that way.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

It takes a strong person to live with an unhappy perhaps mentally unhealthy person. It takes an even stronger person to raise a child in that situation. It also takes good role models whether they be friends or other family members so your child sees that this isn't the way it needs to be. My husband suffers major depression and has generalized anxiety disorder among other things. He was raised by a borderline personality disorder mother and ball less father. The mother role modeled what not to be as a wife and mother with affairs and affair partners paraded in front of the kids and her husband who stood back and took it having a long term affair of his own. Every sort of abuse to be had was heaped on the kids. They each developed their own coping mechanisms. Hopefully your husband isn't an extreme but either way individual counseling, determining if meds can help and then marriage counseling can put you back on the right path. Financially Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University was a tool that I found I could tweak to our situation and that helped tremendously. A big difference for me though is that my husband has an interest in horses. That is how we met and was the "glue" that held us together over the miles as we had a long distance relationship prior to our marriage. I learned too late though that a horse in the pasture did not equal all the things he claimed to have done and found that while he liked to talk big he actually did very little. That has created friction. Added to the lies he tells (his parents, friends, coworkers) I am blamed for financially ruining us because of the number of horses we have. We won't get into what actually caused the financial ruin except to say the expenditures are all on his selfish "entitlements". I learned the hard way that being the one to constantly fix everything that was broken so that my child had a normal life and I had some of the things I enjoy and that provide that mental health break (therapy) was not going to do anything in the end except teach my son that I am a walking doormat. The hardest thing I ever did was remove his father from our home and our life. It made all the difference because my husband now knows that there are concrete consequences. The divorce papers are filled out and he is well aware of where I stand. The ball is in his court now. He had to do the work on himself in order to be allowed back in. He knows the consequences if he doesn't stay on the right path. We're still a work in progress but he now has a taste of what losing it all entails. My son understands that I am willing to take a stand and that we can do just fine on our own if we need to, hard though it may be. Blessing on you and yours. May you find a solution and path forward that heals. Interestingly enough it was my son that came to the FPU course with me not my husband. It made a big impact on him and how he thinks about/handles money. I just brought my tweaked version home and now husband and I have a workable solution that gets us out of the mess he created and keeps the horses in the pasture (unless they were intended for sale).


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## evilgreen1 (Mar 15, 2016)

Wow, I have to say that I am so grateful for the support y'all are offering me. Sometimes, it takes getting to be heard to help things a lot. 


My husband was awesome over the weekend. He manned up and said he was spending much more than his portion of our extra spending money on eating out before I even presented the financial breakdown I had made up to him. He showed interest in a family activity I had proposed weeks prior that he had initially poo-pooed. We both put forth effort to be a little more involved with each other. 


I brought up Sunday afternoon while we were playing in our son's wading pool that we needed to try and talk more so that we didn't end up in this situation again. Bless his heart if he didn't just say he was a bad communicator. I told him we had to try again because I wasn't going to go through feeling like he didn't like me for no wrong doing of mine again. He made the effort to ask about the horses and go over what we needed to do to get my horse trailer in good shape. 
I guess I don't get why he's got to go from super awesome to super jerk. I will look around for counseling as I am sure that I could use some better coping mechanisms myself. 


QtrBel, I can't imagine how strong you must be. I think my husband realized how close I was getting to having enough and realized he needed to shape up or ship up.
Y'all are great


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## Kaifyre (Jun 16, 2016)

So glad to hear that you guys are making steps to be on the mend!! Relationships are hard, I totally get what you're going through. There's been some wonderful advice here so I won't repeat it but suffice to say I'm happy for you : )

-- Kai


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

So glad to hear you were able to talk. Recognizing things like poor communication are a great place to start. Counseling helps. Usually when there are swings from one extreme to the other you need that extra input even when you feel you are getting back on firm footing. It helps strengthen your relationship and build better boundaries. It can also help determine if extra help is needed in the form of a diagnosis or meds even short term. If you belong to a church sometimes a counselor can be found through that avenue. Thank you for your kind words and again blessings to you and yours.


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## Smilie (Oct 4, 2010)

To add abit of humor, although I agree that the issues here go beyond horses, here is a bumper sticker I am sure, many of seen

" I got ahorse for my husband. It was a good trade!\
To give a personal perspective. There have been times I have really envied couples, where both were heavily involved with horses, thus both committed to spending money and time, making a breeding program work, building facilities, whatever
My husband likes the horses, enjoys riding his horse to access wilderness, but he is not a horse person, thus I always felt I had to justify horse expenses, time spent going to shows, esp when they interfered with trial riding
On the other hand, hubby is a gun collector, and I could never understand why he needed more guns, esp those he just polishes and looks at and collects. I get his hunting rifles, but not the rest.
Still, we try to respect each others interests. I thus raised horses, and most times he was okay on what I spent on them. He loved when I sold horses for good money, which helped my cause, esp when horse expenses occurred, unexpected, as they like to do
I in turn tried to understand why he needed just another gun, and have also learned to not mind his various head mounts and bear and wolf rugs on the walls, or what is so special in shooting atrophy elk or sheep
We thus combined our interests at times, by me going along on horse back hunts with him.
Now, because I have really slowed down showing, he is actually encouraging me to go to shows, as he realizes it is what has always been part of me
I in turn, realize there are times in winter, when he just needs to go out tot he mountains and hunt wolves on foot. No, he should not be going alone, but it is what has also always been him.
There has to be a give and take, and I think horses are just the excuse for problems that go much deeper. Hope you both can get some advise and help.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

Great to hear that your husband seems to have made a turn towards the better. 

Hopefully he realizes that stating, flatly, that he is a bad communicator is not where this ends. That means that rather than accept the status quo, he can find ways to actively work on his communication skills. I'd still say counseling is a good idea, and you can make shopping for one into a shared activity. It might help both of you to write down what each of you thinks the major issues are, what you would like to learn, and what you hope to get out of it. 

A lot of men seem to have an idea that they're going to a counselor to be punished, or yelled at. It might help to establish that this isn't the case- you are going because you love each other, you love your son, and you are both committed to being a healthier, happier couple as well as a good example for your son. 

If you'd like to do some reading, there is a book called "The 5 Love Languages" that I really like. It talks about how we all have different ways of expressing our love and devotion to our partners and families, and sometimes it doesn't match up to what that other person needs or wants in order to feel loved and appreciated. Your husband's "language" may be different than yours. 

As far as my previous statement about praise, remember that it is something you do because you love them and it should be said, rather than looking for a response. In fact, plan for no response the first few times. 

Other things I try to make sure I say:

"Thank you for helping me." 
"I'm glad you're here with me." 
"Thank you for (insert activity here - cooking dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom, etc)". You don't HAVE to thank people, but I think it goes a long way.
"I'm really happy you're working on this with me, it really means a lot". 
"This is nice, I am having fun!" 

I think we often get stuck in this idea that people are just supposed to do things because they're expected, without appreciation or acknowledgement.


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## Smilie (Oct 4, 2010)

It would be a blue moon, before I could thank my husband for doing housework-even in the days I worked full time! He was just not raised that way, although slight improvement has been made over the years!
What I do thank him for, is helping me get hay and un load it, look after my horses when I am away , understand my need to ride, support me when I think of doing another crazy horse venture, like now, when I am playing with the idea of buying two foals.
We stopped breeding, when I reached a certain age, but I miss working with young horses, watching them grow. I won't be creating horses, that need to find homes, become useful, just helping some born anyways. Stupid idea, but if I decide to do it, he has no problem with it


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

I am glad the conversation has started, a good first step. May I recommend a book? It explains how people give and recognize love/appreciation in 5 different ways. If someone, for example, gives gifts to show love/appreciation, but her spouse does acts of service to show love/appreciation, he may not think so much of a gift and she may not think so much of him changing the oil in her car. They are not recognizing each other's appreciation language. You sound like you need words, but he does not receive compliments (words) the same way you do, and therefore does not realize how important it is for you to hear compliments.

The book is a little preachy, but good information. It sure helped me with a similar situation with my husband. A good conversation to have regarding communication can be built around the premis of this book.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

It has a profile in the back to help you discover each other's "language"


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## tim62988 (Aug 30, 2012)

i'm going to weigh in as a husband who HATED horses when I met my now wife:

I had ZERO interest in horses, i grew up around them was drug to horse shows and would have been better if I was "drugged" to go to the shows lol. so I dealt with the crazy horse show attitudes the stupid horses and wanted nothing to do with it, but this girl showed me the local horse trails when she and her friends went camping I went up to cook while they rode. i took lessons now I actually end up going to the local trails more than she does :-D

ours was a case of finding a hobby that we could enjoy and excel at together. We also work split shifts (sortof) but not quite to your extreme, I'm self employed and some days leave the house at 6:30 other days at 10, she leaves for work between 8 & 11 so we each get a few hours of "me" time. 

i'm curious (not judging) but do you send your child to the babysitter? maybe some more me time would help him chill and you chill then weekends would be more enjoyable?



I have seen the flip side that you talk about of your husband not being a happy person, and judging from the eating habits maybe not the best with $$ or looks and says "you spend this on horses heck yea i'm eating out whenever I want"? my brother-in-law is one of those no matter how much he makes he can waste it away and keep the family in debt and honestly I would think couples therapy as well as individual therapy would be best for him (and probably you & your husband same boat) but HE won't admit to a problem so stays miserable... in that case not a lot you can do except do what is best for you and your kid 


i will say on another note: IF your family is in debt and you keep buying more horse stuff I can see why he would be grumpy, but honestly doesn't sound like that is the case


so all in all: open conversation about what job/location/life changes would make him happy, but ultimately no way for ANYONE to be happy unless they wake up and say "it's going to be a good day"


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Glad you guys are both putting in the effort and look for counseling as well.  Great to hear!!!


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## my2geldings (Feb 18, 2008)

I don't think that this has anything to do with the horses. He almost seems as tho he has insecurity issues. He's not secure with himself and his position without your marriage and because you are a strong, independent horse woman and who can survive without any help, its making him even more insecure than he already is. The horses to him are possibly threatening. 
I think finding a good therapist and talking things thru is a great idea. Make sure you find a therapist that works well with you, because they don't all work well with all couples. My heart goes out to you, what a difficult situation. It makes me realize how blessed I am to have a husband who supports me so much.


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## Chasin Ponies (Dec 25, 2013)

Evilgreen, whatever you do, don't let this step forward fade away. If you have to, make regular appointments with each other to communicate! 
People do not suddenly change overnight- it sounds like he finally realized how serious you are and that your marriage/life style are at risk. If you don't keep this going, both of you will slide back into the same habits and attitudes and it will happen over and over again.

I stayed with my husband for 11 years when I really should have left after 3. Promises were made over and over again but it was only to shut me up and get me off his back. Some men(and women) will pretend that they have the intention doing whatever it takes but it's only because they want to temporarily stop the strife.

And stay in the horse world if you truly love them. I can tell you from experience that this focus on your horses is only because it's a big part of your life. Get rid of the horses and believe me, another issue will take it's place and things will not get any better.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

Shooting and competing at shooting is a very expensive hobby. My sister's ex kept the whole family in poverty so he could divert all the money to shooting.'

You don't have to enjoy all the same hobbies.

Hopefully you guys will go to counseling before a split.

My horses are not more important to me than my husband is. The right to keep them if I pay for them with my own hard earned money is more important to me than being married to someone who is too self-centered to want me to be happy.

The demand to leave the sunny south to move to Alaska would be a deal killer for me. 

I suspect the issue is about who is in charge. It is very traditional for men to "rule the roost" and things just aren't that way any more. If we have to work as hard or harder bringing in money, we get equal rights.


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## evilgreen1 (Mar 15, 2016)

Let's see, tim62988, my husband just doesn't think there's anything special to horses and hasn't been around them much. He thinks he could do anything I can do just by hopping up on one of my boys. I don't care too much, b/c I know that if I took him on a trail ride at my pace, or told him to take a jump or do lateral work he 1) wouldn't be able to walk for a week, 2) wouldn't be able to get either a jump or any lateral work and 3) would probably end up ****ing the horses off and thrown. I really don't take offense to his comments. I would love to have some time away from the kid, but we have no family in the area and sadly, childcare equals cash. 


Chasin' Ponies, I am very aware of the "slide back" possibility and keeping it at the forefront of my mind. For example, instead of letting the fact that he doesn't flush the toilet before he goes to bed upset me and fester in my thoughts, I asked him to flush it b/c it gets awful stinky overnight. 


Whinnie, I am more aware that I need to be more physical w/ my appreciation and he is working on being more positive in his verbal praise. This is something I kind of realized on my own, but am glad to hear it bolstered. 


I know I've said it before, but I am so grateful for all the support I have had from everyone. My husband took me on a trailer driving/backing lesson this weekend, I kept our son while he went shooting, he helped me figure out and watched me spread lyme on the pasture so it'll grow better. We had a great weekend and I couldn't be happier


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

I'm so happy to hear you couldn't be happier. You deserve to be happy.  <3


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## Joel Reiter (Feb 9, 2015)

Mulefeather said:


> One thing I will say is to compliment and thank him regularly. And I don't mean once a month - daily, or multiple times a day, say or do something nice. I think many men who are working unhappy jobs get into a funk where they are stressed and feel like all they do is work, take care of the home, and sleep. They start feeling like nothing they do is good enough, or that they don't get to enjoy anything they have worked for while their families do.
> 
> So even if it's just him washing the dishes, helping with the property or horses, or anything else he does without being asked, thank him and be sincere. One thing I have discovered is that men LIVE for praise.


This is truly golden advice. Ladies, if you want to improve your relationship to your husband, tell him he did something right.

John Gray, author of _Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus_, says the greatest need of men is approval. Emerson Eggerichs of Love and Respect Ministries says it's respect. Dr. Willard Harley, author of _His Needs, Her Needs_, says it is admiration. John Eldridge, author of _Wild at Heart_ says a man's greatest need is to be his wife's hero.

Whether you call it approval, respect, admiration or making your husband your hero, it is what men need most. We are very shallow vain creatures. We can be bought with a little praise.


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## Joel Reiter (Feb 9, 2015)

evilgreen1 said:


> Any of you have issues with your spouse or significant other disdaining or having a thinly-veiled hatred for your horses or horse habits?


Oh yeah. When we first got the horse, my wife was all-in because my daughter was horse crazy. But the colt I inherited was years away from being ready -- I should have found a 20 year-old companion horse immediately.

By the time the horse was safe to ride my daughter had moved on, and so had my wife's support. In an unguarded moment, she once said she hates my horses. A friend of mine has the same situation -- his wife thinks his passion is big waste of time and money.

So it works both ways. Maybe horses are just controversial.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

Spending large sums of time and money is controversial.


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## Joel Reiter (Feb 9, 2015)

Celeste said:


> Spending large sums of time and money is controversial.


Yes, my wife wants to blow money on luxuries like replacing the roof shingles that are all curled up and the siding that is delaminating and puking off its paint, instead of investing in necessities like a horse trailer or a tractor.

So the roof is new, the siding is still waiting, and I'll probably never get a tractor or a trailer. Pretty unreasonable, don't you think?

We've been married for 35 years and still in love, so we might survive in spite of disagreeing about the horses.


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## Jan1975 (Sep 7, 2015)

Celeste said:


> Spending large sums of time and money is controversial.


Yes, in a nutshell! Any time you are dealing with that much $ and time, you will need extra communication and understanding. It's really easy to become bitter when your spouse is not only gone a lot, but spending a good chunk of cash.


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