# The Courage to Try Again



## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

What a beautiful post. Know that you are amazing and strong! There will be more difficult times, but I think that you've probably gotten past the worst of it now, and it will only get better. 

If it helps, I can tell you that I was away from horses for over 25 years after I sold my horse and left home to go to university. During those 25 years, I was almost never around horses except the odd touristy trail ride. I think people around me just assumed I'd grown out of my horsey phase. But in reality, it was just too painful to be around them just a little bit of the time knowing I couldn't commit full time. It was just easier for me to not be around them at all. Sounds weird, I know. Makes no sense now, but that's how I felt. 

I was a student for a long time... then had two kids... then took a few more years to find some kind of permanent and stable job in my fairly specialized field. But one day, I was there, and my daughter, who was six, asked for riding lessons  

We now have three horses at home, she has been riding for 8 years (she jumps), and my life pretty much revolves around horses. So it's never too late to come back to it. 

The important thing for you now is self-care in the long term. It's easy to forget to look after yourself when things start to get better. Horses will help you keep that drive.

Oh, and I did liberty training and groundwork with a couple of my horses, and absolutely love it! It has really helped me connect better with myself. 

I look forward to hearing more about your journey! And those are some gorgeous horses in the photo!


----------



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

What a wonderful post, Grey!! I have some trouble with depression, but thankfully not as bad as you've described. I am so glad that you are feeling better and looking to get back into horses.


Just be gentle on yourself. Horses are NEVER black and white, so you have to be ok to be in a gray area. Depression makes it tempting to say that inperfection is not acceptable, so that one is either good, or bad. Horses are never truly either of those. And, neither are we.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

> If it helps, I can tell you that I was away from horses for over 25 years after I sold my horse and left home to go to university. During those 25 years, I was almost never around horses except the odd touristy trail ride. I think people around me just assumed I'd grown out of my horsey phase. But in reality, it was just too painful to be around them just a little bit of the time knowing I couldn't commit full time. It was just easier for me to not be around them at all. Sounds weird, I know. Makes no sense now, but that's how I felt.


It makes perfect sense, I get the feeling. It's that all or nothing thinking: if I can't commit to 100% I feel like giving up entirely. 



> Just be gentle on yourself. Horses are NEVER black and white, so you have to be ok to be in a gray area. Depression makes it tempting to say that inperfection is not acceptable, so that one is either good, or bad. Horses are never truly either of those. And, neither are we.


This is so true, and one of the reasons I loved working with horses in the first place! Shades of grey make everything more vibrant.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

My horses, then...I guess I should start with Lily. She’s been here the longest.

Lily is 10 or 11 years old now. She’s a 15 hand bay Standardbred/QH. She’s my sister’s horse, but my sister doesn’t ride and is in fact terrified of horses, so she’s the family’s horse :lol:

Lily is the first horse I ever broke (under the instruction of my old trainer who taught me such an incredible amount and who I still miss learning from). She was 4 at the time. She has the most godawful jackhammer trot but the best personality, and she didn’t even have 30 rides on her before she was relegated to being the “dummy horse” for any beginner wanting to ride. 

She’s a cool mare because she’s so well able to judge her rider. If you have some skill she will test that skill. She’s never dangerous or dirty but she certainly asks questions about who’s in charge. And if you want it, she’s sure got some get up. But turn around and throw someone on her who’s a beginner or a nervous rider and she’ll pack them around all day, quiet as a kitten and never put a foot out of line. She is extremely tolerant of ignorance. 

My sister and her ex boyfriend bought her when she was 6 months old, our family kept her after their split, and she’s never going anywhere. We would never be able to sell her for her true value…and truthfully, she's one of my dad's favourites.

Because she’s been the beginner packer for so long, though, she has become quite dull. She’s good at stopping when you pull back and turning to the left and right when you pull left or right. She doesn’t know much about bending and flexing unless you really dig your leg into her and kind of force her to, and it takes a lot of work to get her to give to the bit. If I get time I would really like to work with her on this to make her a more enjoyable ride for more experienced riders as well as “dummies”.


The picture attached is Lil and me from 2012, she was still really green ("Baby Wiwy", as we affectionately called her in babytalk), at a park we trail rode at quite a bit. She's also the bay horse in the picture from my first post.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

I’ve owned quite a few horses in my lifetime, and never had a horse I could never dream of parting with until I got Z.

Z (full name “Znita”) came into my life almost 4 years ago. A co-worker at the time wanted me to take her for a 30 day breaking, and when I showed up to see her – a big, strong 15.1 hand 5 year old barely even halter broke – I wondered if I was biting off more than I could chew. I brought her home and discovered that spending her life with no equine contact besides her crippled mother and an aging donkey had made Z socially retarded. I had never seen a horse with no idea how to be a horse. She was rejected and in fact despised by our larger herd of horses, so much so that I had to separate her with Lily and a gentle pony I had at the time to preserve her safety. 

Socially inept though she was, with Lily’s help I was able to bring her around a bit and found that she was very willing to learn – just not exactly sure how to express herself appropriately.

I kept Z for the 30 days and made really good progress with her under saddle. But when it was time for her to go home, I warned my co-worker that she was a big, strong and still green horse and it was perhaps a good idea to find something more suitable for total beginners (which they were) if they were wanting to get into riding. They did eventually take my advice and a month later I got a call asking if I would like to buy Z, as they were really happy with what I’d been able to do with her and they wanted me to have her. 

Z is the definition of witchy mare. She detests any kind of aggressive force, rough mishandling or injustice. She likes my big, loud, rough dad about as much as he likes her (hint: they DON'T :lol. I’ve had frustrated vets (a common visitor, as Z is the most accident/illness-prone horse I’ve ever had) suggest I be a little more forceful with her and ‘teach her some manners.’ Don’t think it’s never occurred to me. I invite anybody to give it a try if you don’t believe me and see where it gets you with her. Despite her diva attitude, she’s all bark and no bite, and if you can overlook her bitter hatred of vets, she’s quite manageable…for me, anyways.

I have always gotten along great with her, and she with me. Sometimes she whinnies to me if she sees me across the farm or if I walk away from her. I think that’s so cool because I’ve never had a horse who I had that kind of relationship with, even horses that I’ve started from the first ride. Maybe it’s because she’s spent so much time with me exclusively. My dad doesn’t have any patience for her and to date, the only other person that’s ever rode or worked with her is my ex-boyfriend a few times last year. 

Anyways, I trust her with my life and she’s turned into an awesome riding horse. She’s light, supple, responsive and willing. She moves so nicely off of seat and leg, and with her attitude I’ve been told it won’t be much trouble to get her doing some amateur reining maneuvers. She’ll go anywhere, alone or with company, safe in traffic, completely trusting even if she’s scared of something, I’ve used her to pony other horses...I’ll stop now, I’m gushing :lol: I regret that I haven’t been motivated enough to put more time into her because she would be one hell of a mare if she had been worked with consistently over the last 3 years. But the past is over and done with and there’s no use feeling guilty about what I did or didn’t do. All I can do is commit to the future ahead. 

I would like to start taking reining lessons with her again in the spring. Maybe do some small low-level shows eventually, but the learning how to teach and feel the fine-tuning and handling is just as interesting to me right now as competing.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

Pony is...(ready for the ball to drop?)...a pony. Her real name is “Maisie” but I didn’t like that name so I called her Pony in the meantime while I thought of another. 2 years later…here’s Pony.

Pony was a project I bought as unbroke with the intention of quickly reselling. Unfortunately, being depressed was a more convincing past time than doing so and now I’ve had her for a couple years and only managed to put a couple sporadic rides on her.

She is extremely good natured, friendly and intelligent. I am certain she will be a cinch to get going. I could likely step on her today and ride off on the trail with minimal theatrics. I just feel bad putting these ‘once in a while’ rides on her – I’d like to be able to give a green horse at least 30 days of some type of routine. I feel that they learn better that way. So I really need to get back in my groove and start riding her, and get her sold. She’s a 12.2 hand registered half Welsh and cute as a freakin' button, so I’m hoping she’ll be worth at least a bit of money. 

I haven’t spent a whole lot of time with her but I know she’s very smart and just as cheeky. She should be a fun pony.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

And so we come to Shorty. Shorty is a 9 year old cob type gelding. He is 14.2 hands. Shorty is the wild card in my little gang. 

I bought him 2 years ago as an unbroke project. From day one, he has always been sort of standoffish and cagey; hard to catch unless you approach him being extremely quiet and gentle. But he wasn't an impossible case; I brought him home, did the groundwork and got on…and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t given the whole truth about him. I don’t claim to be any expert or experienced trainer, but I’ve put first rides on a few horses before and they don’t feel like he did. He had a bit of a drunken sailor walk going on but he moved out easily and he didn’t play with the bit at all. I always ground drive horses before I get on them but even having done that work, it seemed as though he still had too good of a handle on him to have never had anybody on his back before. And, as I learned a couple rides later, he would give his head and round up if you asked him just right. I’ve never been on an unbroke horse that knew how to do that without some schooling.

So your guess is as good as mine. It’s possible he’s just a very trainable horse, or (I wouldn’t bother inflating my own ego that much) I just did a really good job with the groundwork. But after I’d been riding him consistently for a few months, something else happened that made me wonder if he had a prior work history.

For the first couple months I trail rode or gently schooled him, working on circles and steering, speed and transitions – pretty easy stuff. He became an ace trail horse. He would fearlessly march by traffic, heavy equipment and farm machinery, he LOVED water, and he was just a general reliable sort of packer. Eventually he became the horse that was gentle and safe enough for the nervous and less skilled riders my then-bf and I would sometimes ride with.

Then there were a few rides that turned everything around, and I learned that Shorty does NOT like real pressure. I got after him apparently harder than I should have one evening out for a ride with my boyfriend at the time because he was being too buddy-buddy herd bound with my bf’s horse. Another day, we shipped horses down to the local arena to school and I had my bf ride him because Shorty was being a twit and I was starting to get frustrated and so didn’t want to get in a fight with him. My bf was a more technically schooled rider than I am and he asked Shorty – who was already in a mood that night – for some more strenuous movements than I had ever put him through (such as rollbacks) and didn’t succeed in calming him down. A third ride, we went for a jaunt around the block and my bf, who was riding him, was arguing and getting forceful with him the entire ride. I didn’t see that Shorty was doing anything particularly wrong so I told him to quit fighting the horse, but he ignored me the whole ride and when we got back out on the highway to ride the little leg home, Shorty spooked at traffic (something he never did), spun, dumped the bf, and I was very lucky to jump down from my own horse quick enough and catch Shorty before he could take off. 

After this series of rides, Shorty was a different horse. Frequently nervous and unpredictable; he reared up on us a number of times. If you were really quiet and gentle with him and didn’t ask him for more than your basic circles kind of thing he was still alright, but definitely not the horse he had been before. I had had no luck selling him prior to these events that summer just for random different reasons that didn’t really have much to do with him (namely, tire kickers). Winter was setting in, and things were getting rocky between me and my then-bf, so he ended up sitting in the field from September until spring.

In spring of 2018 I knew that with a bunch of different things going on, I wouldn’t have time to give Shorty the attention and routine he needed to get going again, so I sent him to a young guy that had just started working for my part-time boss. This young guy is a bit of a horse/livestock dealer and thought he could get him sold no problem after I rode Shorty for him and he rode off nicely. Big mistake. I don’t want to go into too much detail on a public forum, but I will just finish this bit by saying the young guy is maybe lacking in some horsemanship and could not get along with him. I was very clear on the point that Shorty had been off for half a year at this point and didn’t need to be lunged hard or worked up prior to getting on him – you need to step on him and ride off quietly. I have evidence that this is not what happened, and everybody that came to see Shorty saw a stressed out, misbehaving bucker and naturally he didn’t sell. It was months before I could get my horse back (that’s a whole other frustrating story I won’t share here), but eventually he did come home.

So that’s his story. I’ve been plagued by a lot of guilt surrounding this horse. I’m not sure if I ruined him, or if he had been blown up by somebody previously in his life and we just managed to find that button. I have a real penchant for assigning blame to myself, but it’s worthwhile noting that although neither me nor the bf are professional or exceptionally experienced horsemen, we are definitely not amateurs either. Both of us had been pretty dedicated riders for most of our lives and each of us had a handful of horses we’d trained up ourselves under our belts. Bf and I always surmised, by Shorty’s quirks and the things we’d seen him do, that he might have scared his previous owners with some of his antics and that was why he was sold. I think it’s probably likely a bit of both scenarios, as most things in life are. But I’ll never know, and ultimately it doesn’t matter now. I feel that I’ve done this little horse wrong and I’m determined to make things right, no matter how long it takes. He’s got quirks but I have seen how good he is and is capable of being, and I really think he deserves time, patience, and a good home.


----------



## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

Thank you for posting. It takes courage, IMO, to admit you're dealing with depression. Too many people write it off as nonsense. Those who suffer from it tend to hide it. Hubs and I have lost forever too many good friends who hid it too well.


While I've never dealt with clinical depression, I have dealt with horrible stress that's threatened to break me. I've found that just letting it all go when it gets too much, and asking for nothing and expecting nothing while being around my horses is a healing balm to my soul - on par with simply sitting on a beach and staring at the sea.


There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man. (or woman)


----------



## lostastirrup (Jan 6, 2015)

Just started reading this- and what you've done and are doing is extraordinary. 
I have a pony called Pony too. Though his name is properly Borrowed Knickers. Can you blame him for preferring "Pony"

As for your cob. Nothing is born a blank slate, sometimes they just are the way they are. I had a mare I showed for awhile who wanted NO PRESSURE, and if I'm honest I never really rode her well, but she did teach me a lot so when I picked up Pony I had a much better handle on riding very chill with no expectations (even though I had/have massive expectations). 

Best of luck in the spring. I'm looking forward to warmer weather and good footing too.


----------



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I'm enjoying your story. You write very well, and make use of good grammar, punctuation and paragraphs . . something often ignored on this forum.


----------



## ClearDonkey (Nov 27, 2016)

Subbing - it is terribly hard learning how to function "normally" again after dealing with depression. Your horses are all so beautiful, and I can't wait to learn more!


----------



## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

lostastirrup said:


> Just started reading this- and what you've done and are doing is extraordinary.
> I have a pony called Pony too. Though his name is properly Borrowed Knickers. Can you blame him for preferring "Pony"


Wow, that's three of us. My pony's name is Gallego, but I usually just call him Pony. Sometimes Pony Wony. And I won't admit that if you ask me about it later, either.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

I'm very touched by everybody's sentiments. I didn't think there would be this much interest right away  I'm feeling pretty spunky to get going again! I worked late today and didn't get home til after dark. Tomorrow is looking like the same deal, but this weekend I hope to get out there! 



lostastirrup said:


> As for your cob. Nothing is born a blank slate, sometimes they just are the way they are. I had a mare I showed for awhile who wanted NO PRESSURE, and if I'm honest I never really rode her well, but she did teach me a lot so when I picked up Pony I had a much better handle on riding very chill with no expectations (even though I had/have massive expectations).


This makes me feel a quite bit better about him; I guess I never seriously considered it a possibility that he might simply be a horse that just can't handle a lot of pressure. Maybe it's not that me or anybody has ever done him wrong - maybe he's just meant to be a simple trail horse or pack around beginners. There wouldn't be anything wrong with that, either. 



tinyliny said:


> I'm enjoying your story. You write very well, and make use of good grammar, punctuation and paragraphs . . something often ignored on this forum.


Thank you tinyliny. I would really like people to read and follow this journal, and personally nothing quells my interest and makes me unlikely to continue reading than clicking on a thread and finding the first post an unpunctuated, 15-line block of text. It gives me a headache :lol: I figure if it can be easy to read and engaging, there's a better chance of getting some feedback.


----------



## Elsie (Nov 14, 2018)

You have come to the right place here, horses and horse people are your people and these lovely folk will support you. I too enjoy your journey so far and your lovely, and refreshingly honest writing in your posts.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

Well, my journey's off to a pretty slow start...the last few days of late work and greasy weather has made it hard to do anything but pray for longer days and warmer temps. 

I haven't been to the gym to run this week and I'm surprised to find how much even an hour of extra physical activity over the course of a week can really improve your mood. I was also curious to find that even after 2 or 3 short jogging sessions, I crave the activity and my body feels...disappointed, almost, that I didn't make it there.

It may be a raging blizzard outside right now, but one of my Chanteclair hens started laying yesterday! Forget some obscure groundhog's forecast...nothing says spring is on its way like the chickens starting to lay again.

The first egg of 2019 was a good omen in my books, even if it had been cracked by the frigid -15 degree winter temperature :lol:


----------



## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Have been following along but had to jump in and comment when you posted your egg- you have a lot of crazy chicken ladies here :chicken: In fact, about this time of year our official(ish) Horse Forum chicken thread usually gets going again as folks have chicks starting. None for me this year, I have all the hens I need, but I love seeing other people's! I can relate to the cracked frozen eggs as well; fortunately I've only lost a couple this year as my girls were off until just a couple of weeks ago, and missed the worst of the "polar vortex" days.

I have been enjoying your journal greatly. I have done some teaching in therapeutic riding and appreciate the power of horses for those who are facing depression- as of course you know. I look forward to reading more.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

Yesterday I went to a big sleigh ride for Family Day. Every year a bunch of my dad's friends and their friends/family get together with some teams. There was less riding than there was standing around the bonfire in the woods drinking beer and eating, but that's ok :lol: The weather was good, not too cold, and in the cover of the bush under the trees it was quite pleasant.

I didn't know how little riding we'd be doing so I decided to bring Lily. She was a KNOB yesterday, she was acting like she had fire crackers attached to her feet. I know I said she will challenge her rider but that was a little ridiculous. 

My dad just said: "That's mares; you never know how they're going to act." Maybe he's got a point, but I have always had predominantly mares and over time have come to prefer them. I don't know exactly why...I guess it's that I'm usually quiet with horses and it doesn't bother me to have to "ask" a mare, as they say, so I get along good with them. I've had a couple geldings now that have been more touchy than any mare I've ever owned. My dad is a pretty loud, rough, generally somewhat angry person and and after owning a number of higher-strung mares, likes how his geldings aren't offended by his yelling and empty threats :lol: (Trust me, my dad's a great guy and loves his animals...but you have to know him to understand :lol: He's a very enigmatic personality)

So, it's conclusive that Lily _really_ needs some serious schooling, and I'm going to put a stronger bit in her in order to get her responding softly again. I just rode her with a simple snaffle which she decided to completely run through during moments where she was excited or particularly resistant today. 

Anyways, I didn't take very many pictures today and I'd avoid posting here anyways to preserve the privacy of all the people that went. I hope this one is sufficiently blurry :lol: I'm the only rider at the far left, beside my dad's team.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

I’ve begun to understand that a large part of functioning, especially when you have depressive tendencies, is to treat yourself as though you’re parenting a child.

A child, left to his own devices, will eat so much candy as to make himself sick. He would skip school every day. He would never pick up after himself and would be quite happy to live in accumulating filth and mess. He would let every tooth rot out of his head before he went to the dentist or doctor of his own volition. Without parental support and guidance – which will, at times, be fiercely resisted - a child would become wild, uncontrollable, and ultimately probably incapable of functioning. 

When I think about it, sometimes I feel similar to an undisciplined child. If left to my own devices, do I ever want to clean the house? Nope. Do I _really_ want to go to the gym and run? Not particularly. Do I want to fix fences or tidy the barn or unclutter the yard? Nahhh. Do I want to ride? Too much effort. Do I want to go out and socialize or put myself in new situations that might involve a lot of fun or learning? Heck no. Do I “want” to do anything that I know will make myself feel 100% better? No; even though I know people with depression actually don’t NOT want to do these productive activities, we just “CAN’T”. The common trope of depressed people spending all day in bed isn’t actually far from the truth. If I let go of the thin thread of discipline and motivation that keeps me going even the little that I am, I could see this as a reality. 

It is surprising for me to find how much work goes into happiness. I have to make an effort at it every single day, and personally I don’t think there is a “cure” for depression unless you want to take antidepressant pills. I don’t want to for personal reasons, and I still quite frequently have periods where I feel really low, but when I stop and ask myself: ‘Have you done any physical activity besides work lately? Have you made an effort to socialize and spend time with friends/family? Have you been keeping the house clean and tidy? Have you been cooking good, healthy meals? Have you been doing anything for fun, excitement or entertainment?’ the answer is usually a resounding “NO” to most or all of these questions. 

Because my natural impulses can’t be trusted to do what is helpful, healthy or productive, I’ve decided to make a conscious effort to be my own parent, in a sense. Not only in terms of physical tasks and activities, but mentally, too. A child needs constant validation, acceptance and love…things I have always found to be pretty lacking in my life. It the terrible and wonderful thing now as an adult to realize that nobody else is going to care for you better than you can care for yourself.

For the last decade of my life I’ve lived in a pretty negative world which, through habitual validation, became my reality. I know now that it doesn’t mean that it’s THE reality, but if I want a better one, I’d better do my part to create it. Every second we’re alive we’re creating, shaping, and reinforcing the world around us…just like every second we’re on a horse we’re either making it better or making it worse.

So today after work I parented myself to go out and spend time with the gang. I brushed them and probably spent an hour out there, but didn't ride. I guess I should pat myself on the back for doing that much, though. After that I also parented myself to tidy the house, clean out the fridge, and do a dump run. Overall not bad, on a day I really felt like sitting around and doing nothing.

The weather is supposed to get cold, windy and generally gross out over the next few days/week. It would be nice to have an early spring, but I suppose on a normal year there's no point wishing for any kind of consistently okay weather for at least another month. 

I didn't take any pictures today, but here's one of me and Lily that somebody took last week on the ride that I really like.


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

I had a really good day today.

I was done work by 1.30 this afternoon and one of the first spring suns of the year was shining. Do you know what I mean? All winter the sun is cold and sterile and bleak, but when spring starts to breathe the sunshine is warm and yellow and friendly.

The day was so perfect and I had the whole afternoon off, so even my mind's automatic protests against riding were feeble. When spring arrives, I feel like there's something instinctive that drives you to get outside and get busy.

So I rode Z in the back 10 acres, and she was amazing. She's been off since late October and in previous years has been known to throw in a couple crowhops the first time I saddle her up in the spring, but today she just rode on like an old broke horse...which I suppose she's getting to be! She was actually a bit lazy, and I woke her up with some long posting trots in big looping circles around the field. She is really out of shape but she has always enjoyed working.

Then I caught Shorty and saddled him up. He was quite relaxed as I groomed him but got a bit anxious when the saddle went on. He has always been quirky in that he "pretends" to spook/be nervous - he'll find something that interests him, and get bug eyed and start stepping away from it without really being scared. At this point it's crucial to employ just the right touch of firm yet gentle - bring his attention back and firmly correct him for dancing around, but then completely ignore it and give him praise when he does. He's really quite a baby and if somebody is aggressive or incompetent or ignorant around him he will work himself up into a real scare, but if you don't correct him and immediately bring his attention back, he's also been known to work himself up to a real scare. He does take some understanding but he really is quite manageable if you do understand this quirk. 

Anyways, I put his bridle on and when I approached his side his head went up, eyes bugged out and he started dancing away. I gently brought his head around to his side as he circled and I moved with him, never leaving my spot by his left stirrup and after about 30 or 45 seconds he stopped. I released him for a moment, then got on. 

I don't know what I was expecting - I knew he'd been a bronc for the dealer that had him but I also know that guy doesn't know how to ride that well. I guess I expected that he was going to be anxious and reactive, and for the first few minutes I took him in small circles using only one rein so that he wouldn't feel too much pressure. He was a little quick at first but soon settled, so I started doing larger circles and finally looped the whole paddock. He had a couple tiny spooks and several moments where he wanted to jig and dance, but remained soft and responsive. We did walk/trot transitions and he was high-headed and sort of resistant dropping from trot to walk, but he never did anything bad and I ended the ride on a relaxed and laid-back note.

So basically...he is exactly the same horse that I knew. He will need routine and a kind program, but I am confident I can make something out of him again. 

Same goes for me - I'm rusty for sure, but I didn't forget everything I know like I was kind of worried I would :lol: I guess it's like riding a bike..

But I am hoping to start regular lessons again when the snow melts and when I get these horses a little bit fitter. There's a young lady that is a really high level reiner who lives about 10 minutes from me that I took one lesson from last fall who I would really like to reconnect with. There's another woman maybe 25-30 minutes away who I rode a few horses for when she was pregnant that runs an English barn. I'm not very good in an English saddle but I'd love to get better, and I think Pony's value will be as an English hunter pony. I'm thinking roughly the same about Shorty. 

So here's to spring, and hoping the sun keeps shining!


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

Another beautiful day, and I got out again with Z and Shorty. Same deal as yesterday...I took Z out in the back and did lots of circles, trotting through the snow and softening. 

Shorty was being a spooky little freak today but settled down as I rode him off and didn't let him look at the things that were scaring him. Next time I ride him I'm going to take him out in the back field. I think he's controllable enough, and there's not really enough room in the paddock to get much done with him...maybe part of the reason he's inventing monsters. 

The next couple days are forecasted to be snowy and rainy and just not nice, but I have another week of short workdays ahead so I should be able to ride a bunch.


----------



## rmissildine (Feb 1, 2019)

Greymark,
I've enjoyed you journal, and am looking forward to the journey with your rehab. 

One thing I've learned, horses don't judge. They don't care what kind of turmoil your life has become, they accept you as you are.
One of the best things I've learned from our horses, is this.
"You may not be able to ride me today, and the weather ain't the greatest, but if you need a friend to lean on and tell all your problems to, I'm here for you, and I won't judge you, just love me as much as I love you for taking care of me"..
I look forward to your future posts and your progress...


Good luck,
Roger


----------



## Greymark (Nov 16, 2016)

I was feeling angry today.

I’ve had a difficult time lately controlling negative emotions, and have been feeling a lot of stress, irritability, resentment and sadness lately. I’m not sure why. I know a lot of it is environmental and situational to living with my dad, who isn’t always the most pleasant housemate, but I haven’t been analyzing it too much. More importantly than why: I do know I haven’t been as proactive in fighting and preventing it as I should be.

I wondered if I should even bother riding today, as sometimes starting out in a bad mood sets things up for failure, but I took the chance and did it anyways. 

When I can let go of my ego, I have always found that riding – like running, like yoga when you really focus – is one of those activities that clears your mind of anything but the present moment. It’s all about how your body feels, how the horse feels, how you and the horse respond to each other and figuring out how to move and use your body to get the best response out of the horse.

I trained Z from her first ride. She’s only carried other riders a handful of times. All that she knows is whatever she’s learned from me, but sometimes I find that she teaches me just as much as I her. Sometimes she makes up for my mistakes, other times she’ll give me small reminders to correct myself, like bulging out on a circle so I realize I’m not using my hands properly, or something like that. It seems like we’re both always giving each other little cues to help and correct each other :lol:	

I’m finding that my strength has really diminished and I catch myself falling apart all the time now. Like, I’ll tend to collapse my shoulders and core if I get jolted around instead of sitting up taller and riding deeper, and the paddock boots I wore today really pointed out my affinity to let my heels creep up and my legs creep forwards instead of keeping my hips open and using my calves. I’m also quite tense, which impedes my ability to stick the motion and and it helps when I remind myself to breathe the way we do in yoga class. Four seconds inhale, ten seconds exhale. I’m a very tense person in general, so maybe I should start going to yoga more frequently again. 

Z is always a great partner. 

And Shorty today was just as good. He’s been known in the past to be quite cagey to catch, but he actually approached me today when I went in their paddock and I take that as a sign that he’s happy with my training regime thus far :smile: He was relaxed as I tacked him up and walked him to the back field and got on. 

We did many many circles, big if he was calm, small when he jigged or would get a little upset. It took a few minutes before he would let me use a leg on his side without wanting to shoot ahead, but once he understood he rode along so soft and round and flexible. He’s got a tendency to rubber neck, especially if he gets a bit anxious, so lots of soft, leading contact and more leg to keep him forwards into the bridle. After about half an hour of simple walk trotting he was actually pretty sweated up.

What a good boy! I was very happy with him, and I know that more rides like that will do him a world of good. 

So, all in all, I’m glad I took a chance on my foul temper and rode today. :smile:


***Here's a picture of my favourite: fresh, unmarked snow after yesterday's snowfall. Time to make some tracks!***


----------

