# Need ideas for working with a timid student



## TurnNBurn77 (Jul 18, 2013)

So there is a girl that I'm working with right now. She is going on 12 years old, I believe, and she is working with my older gelding. She is a sweet girl, who was not raised around horses, but really loves to be around them. She started off riding my mare, and soon decided she wasn't comfortable with her. She fell off once when learning to canter, and then was too scared to try it again. She slowly dwindled down her riding until she stopped coming. I talked to her mom and said she's welcome to just come and groom and do groundwork with my gelding, who is retired. 

I just don't know how to get some things through to her because she is so timid. She shuts down and freezes up in any type of high pressure situation where she's required to DO something. So, she wants to do groundwork, I get her in the round pen and teach her how to use pressure to change directions, speed, etc. but if my gelding tries to challenge her a little, as they all do when they're first getting to know you and figuring out what they can get away with, she would rather let him run her over than be a little more assertive (it doesn't take much to change his mind, he's older and out of shape and doesn't want to argue more than he has to.) So, obviously this is not safe. I've tried explaining it to her nicely that she needs to be more assertive and confident, I've tried explaining that she could get hurt, and I've tried talking to her mom, who said she's been this way for every sport she's ever been in. She even told me that she had to pull her out of martial arts classes because the girl would rather get beat up than try to defend herself. I ended up snapping at her a little last week because she froze up and didn't stand where I told her to and could have gotten hurt when my gelding spooked. I didn't yell, but I was firmer with her because I have to get through to her that even though my horses are very safe, they are still big, strong animals with minds of their own. I'm trying to give her easy tasks to do to build up her confidence, but it doesn't seem to be working. I would love to help get her past this, I think helping her to not be so timid with horses would help in a lot of different areas in her life. I definitely don't want to tell her that she can't work with the horses anymore, but I will if it comes down to her safety. Does anyone have suggestions on how to work with her and help her to stop freezing up?


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## Luce73 (Dec 7, 2012)

Is it possible she is freezing up not because of the horse but rather because someone (you/her mom) is watching and she's scared of letting you down? Any chance you can let her just groom/hang out with your gelding and keep an eye on her from afar without her knowing youre watching? (of course within the bounds of what is safe for everyone involved). 

I often feel more comfortable learning things when I know I'm not going to be judged on how I do it (not saying you are judging her, but with you being her trainer and possibly the mom watching she might feel like there are a lot of expectations). Any chance you can explain things to her, and let her try it after, but make clear to her that she can just do as much as she remembers and its no big deal if she does something wrong? If she does do something wrong focus on how the horse reacts differently if she does a vs b rather than walking her through a list of steps she needs to take. Give her lots of time to develop that feel for horses, even if she isnt doing much with them in terms of groundwork. just let her lead him around/groom etc. 

Maybe you can give her some ideas of what she can try, and see how far she gets rather than telling her how to do it. Like 'here take the horse into the arena on a lead and try and see if you can make him turn on a loose lead, i'll be back in 10 minutes to check if youre ok, but take your time'. Just take the pressure off basically. I think horses have that wonderful magic that can make timid people (and people with a deathly fear of screwing up, like me lol) feel more confident. If your gelding is a been there done that old guy, just trust him and his ability to teach this girl! (My horse taught me SO MUCH, just by only responding when I ask correctly etc).


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

I am working with 3 children who are as you describe. They were all riding very well, and lost their nerve and now can't do anything. I let them groom the horses, lead them around and then let them sit on the horse while I lead them around. When they get their confidence back, I will lead them while riding another horse. This might take a very long time, but I tell them I have a very long time and there is no time limit and no rush. Just as long as coming over is fun and they feel good about coming.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

Can you do some groundwork that doesn't require a moving horse? Lowering the head, flexing, picking up feet for cleaning, yielding hind quarters...those can all work with very gentle pressure. Also, if you wanted to expose your horses to a target stick and clicker training, you can have her teach your horse a trick, like picking up a hat she drops to the ground.

Would she be open to being lead around by a lead line bareback? It'll increase her coordination, lets her more easily move "with the horse", and thus maybe instill some confidence. Since no tacking-up is required (you lead by the halter, and she just sits on his back), you can easily try to negotiate 1 min, 2 min, later 5 mins, etc.


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## Smilie (Oct 4, 2010)

Lets face it, not every kid that 'loves' horses is going to be good with them
I see no point is having a child do ground work or anything else with a horse, if they lack the confidence and willingness to learn
When I was a kid, I rode everything with hair on it, including a cow, when I was not able to have horses. You either have it, or you don't
What is the end goal of having a child, that freezes, is intimidated by horses to make them work with horses? I don't get it!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Smilie said:


> Lets face it, not every kid that 'loves' horses is going to be good with them
> I see no point is having a child do ground work or anything else with a horse, if they lack the confidence and willingness to learn
> When I was a kid, I rode everything with hair on it, including a cow, when I was not able to have horses. You either have it, or you don't
> What is the end goal of having a child, that freezes, is intimidated by horses to make them work with horses? I don't get it!


I know the above sounds harsh but I agree. From what i've observed, a fascination with horses and the confidence to deal with them are two separate things. 

Only cow I ever rode was a Holstein milk cow. Hellish bony.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

perhaps this child would enjoy doing clicker training? once she learns that she has some real control, and it's not going to hurt the horse, or her, she might take that step further.

all above my comments so far are just wonderful, full of great advice! I agree with all of them.

perhaps, you , as her teacher, may need to do some soul searching as to why you are working with this child, and if it's for the child's sake, . . or ., . . . ? I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I'd be doing exactly what you have been doing , so far. but, as someone said, some people are just not meant for working with horses. they would do better with dogs, perhaps. or goats?


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> perhaps this child would enjoy doing clicker training? once she learns that she has some real control, and it's not going to hurt the horse, or her, she might take that step further.
> 
> all above my comments so far are just wonderful, full of great advice! I agree with all of them.
> 
> perhaps, you , as her teacher, may need to do some soul searching as to why you are working with this child, and if it's for the child's sake, . . or ., . . . ? I think you are doing a wonderful job, and I'd be doing exactly what you have been doing , so far. but, as someone said, some people are just not meant for working with horses. they would do better with dogs, perhaps. or goats?


Not dogs and definitely not goats! If ever there was an animal which took advantage . . . 

Cats. Aquarium pets. Rodents.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

Avna said:


> I know the above sounds harsh but I agree. From what i've observed, a fascination with horses and the confidence to deal with them are two separate things.


Good point, and this is the question we cannot answer without knowing the girl: Will a series of small successes unleash her confidence, or is that something she will never achieve?

I need incremental challenges. As a child, I was afraid of the water, of swimming. An instructor who flattened the learning curve for me changed all that - a few years later, I could swim in the ocean, be tumbled around by a wave like in a washing machine, and not panic.

On the flip side, there are things you'll never see me get the confidence to do. We'd have to have a beer together for me to share those, though. This is the internet, after all...


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Avna said:


> Not dogs and definitely not goats! If ever there was an animal which took advantage . . .
> 
> Cats. Aquarium pets. Rodents.



Ha ha! I was thinking of all the training and fun @Wallaby had with clicker training her goats. perhaps working with an animal that isn't so large could make the difference.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> Ha ha! I was thinking of all the training and fun @Wallaby had with clicker training her goats. perhaps working with an animal that isn't so large could make the difference.


Rats are smart. If, God forbid, I ever had to live in an apartment, I would have pet rats. They make lovely pets, just die way too soon.


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## Caledonian (Nov 27, 2016)

mmshiro said:


> Good point, and this is the question we cannot answer without knowing the girl: Will a series of small successes unleash her confidence, or is that something she will never achieve?
> 
> I need incremental challenges. As a child, I was afraid of the water, of swimming. An instructor who flattened the learning curve for me changed all that - a few years later, I could swim in the ocean, be tumbled around by a wave like in a washing machine, and not panic.
> 
> On the flip side, there are things you'll never see me get the confidence to do. We'd have to have a beer together for me to share those, though. This is the internet, after all...


I taught a girl many years ago who came across as terrified of her Shetland. Even basic handling was too much for her but I never questioned her love for the animal. It wasn’t until her mother, and everyone else, left her alone to potter about the pony on her own terms and time, that she started to come out of her shell. She even started riding her again. 

I think it was the lack of pressure. The last few times I saw her before I moved on, we did fun games in the saddle and on the ground; we were more concerned about standing up straight from laughing and not making a fool of ourselves than actually handling and riding. She didn’t know she was doing exercises that would help her balance, control and confidence. She’s in her twenties now and she still has horses.

I learn the same way. I need to do things in my own time. As for swimming, I hate it. I was pushed in at the deep end by my school instructor because everyone had to swim a length by a certain time. I’ve never been in a pool since. Everyone learns in a different way and one size doesn’t fit all.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Avna said:


> Rats are smart. If, God forbid, I ever had to live in an apartment, I would have pet rats. They make lovely pets, just die way too soon.


\

rat lover here. I always tell people they are the best small pets out there.


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## SwissMiss (Aug 1, 2014)

tinyliny said:


> \
> 
> rat lover here. I always tell people they are the best small pets out there.


Rat lovers unite :mrgreen: 
They make awesome pets, especially for children (of all ages, including me, lol)!


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## TurnNBurn77 (Jul 18, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I've printed off a small checklist of basic handling skills for her to do with just a halter and lead rope. She's already done most of them, but my plan is when she comes today, to hand her the list and let her go in the round pen and work on it while I go do something else (while keeping an eye on her of course). She has a naturally good seat, and is honestly not a bad little rider, when she was riding. She was w/t/c bareback at one point. She just seemed to hit a wall and went backwards from there. I'm hoping once she gets over this hump, she'll want to move forward some more.


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## Luce73 (Dec 7, 2012)

@TurnNBurn77 sounds like a good plan! Let us know how it goes


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## walkinthewalk (Jul 23, 2008)

*TurnNBurn77,* the young lady sounds very much like my 16 year old niece who has been diagnosed with clinical depression; at least I THINK that's what my brother said. We live 900 miles apart, their lives are busy with this 16 yr old and a 19 year old in college, so we don't talk very often.

I know there was a formal diagnosis, my niece is on medicine and while it seems to help, she still had serious-over-the-top reservations about simply brushing my very safe, Tennessee Walker (because he wasn't Streeter), nor did she want to go with her parents to do any sort of touristy things ---- she wanted to stay with me and help clean the barn.

Based on my niece, ask the mom if the young lady has ever been tested (I don't know what the tests are) for any sort of clinical depression. What you describe and what her mom has relayed to you are not normal, unless the girl has had some horrendous event in her young life that she can't remember but has scarred her forever.

At any rate, also based on my niece, things could get worse before they get better, if she doesn't get some sort of qualified help

In the meantime, if she still wants to come to your barn, the best help you can be is to. keep wearing the Patience of Job and just do the best you can do, even if that means standing beside her at all times, as if she were five years old. Stressful for you but, if it brings her some sort of peace and some sense of accomplishment, it's a huge step.

When my brother and family came to visit last Thanksgiving, it was the first I'd seen them in five years. They were here three days. Between my brother, SIL, and me, we finally convinced my niece to go in the stall with Joker and brush him. We explained there would never be another horse as good as Streeter but Joker was pretty close and every bit as safe.

It is difficult for me to fathom what pain issues like this must be for those who suffer them. Bless you for trying to do the right thing


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## BarrelRacer2 (Mar 19, 2017)

Work her into it slowly and if she gets nervous have her get off, take three big deep breaths, then get back on and try it again.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

@TurnNBurn77, how have your lessons gone?

I have 3 children I was working with who got scared of riding. One has completely given up, doesn't want to ride at all, doesn't even come outside when her sister gets her "pony ride." One (the sister) has gotten a "pony ride" two to three times a week, just 4 or 5 "goes" around her yard. And the third one is back to riding by herself on her own pony, but not confidently yet. She is still getting lots of time being led around, but will ride her pony by herself in her yard, with me or her mom standing there.

The sister who got dozens of little short pony rides, successfully did a two hour trail ride with me this morning on the leadrope. She had to ride a horse she didn't trust (because I gave the super gentle pony away) but managed fine. She kept saying how great it was, what a good time she was having, and how she liked the horse she had distrusted before. We made plans to do it again on Sunday. I won't take her off the pony rope for ???, but I've got her back riding again, enjoying the company of other kids, and having fun.

How about you?


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

@TurnNBurn77, any update on the success of your timid rider?

Yesterday I got my super terrified timid child to ride by herself on an hour and a half trail ride. Her braver sister has been riding on trails by herself now for several months. My third timid rider, who was doing so well, gave up, and gave her pony to us. He's the one the other two girls are so successful with. His nickname is "World's Greatest Pony" and I felt very sad that his little owner did not overcome her fear of him. I have invited her to come ride him with my other kids, and I think she might . . . and might still overcome her fear. But 2 out of 3 ain't bad. How about you?


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