# One Step at a Time



## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

This is perhaps premature of me, given that there are currently no horses in my life, but I'm working really, _really_ hard on getting back to riding, and I have a lot going on in my head, and it will be helpful for me to write it all down. And I hope, very soon (in a couple of weeks?) to be able to actively discuss the new horse(s) I meet, how lessons are going, etc. I feel _motivated_. I am actively trying to take care of my body in ways I honestly never have before, because wow, I can't eat that ice cream, it's all well and good for me to accept that _I'll_ have to carry the weight of said ice cream around but it's not fair for me to ask my future lesson horse to carry it, too. I've exercised more in the last week than I have in the last month, because I will be a better rider if I am in shape (and again, my future horse buddy's back will appreciate it) and I have no intention of stopping. Motivation!

And that's such a simple thing, right, feeling motivated? But it's something that I haven't felt for so long that I literally forgot what it felt like. When was the last time I felt genuine motivation for something? It was before May 21st, 2011, I can tell you that much. That's when I had my first major depressive break. My emotions haven't ever been the same since then. (Makes me wonder what other emotions I've forgotten about. What a strange thought.)

I'm not sure if someone who doesn't have depression can really understand what that's like, to go from being normal to being an apathetic mess to slowly trying to crawl your way to normality again. Thinking you're doing fine, and then something happens and you backslide; thinking you're doing fine, and then something happens that makes you feel _good_ and you realize that actually you hadn't been doing fine at all. (Similarly, I know that there are experiences that are normal for other people that I won't ever be able to understand. We try our best, yeah? Let me know if I ever mess up too badly.) I tend to think that everyone has depression, because that's what we humans do, right, we think that our normal is normal for everyone, even if we know it's not. So if you're reading this, and you have depression, hey. _fist bump_ Hang in there, buddy. Just take one step at a time. I'm happy to talk about it, if you want to. And if you're reading this and you don't have depression, then hey, maybe I can explain some things. Or maybe not, but hopefully I'll have horse pics to share soon, and who doesn't love horse pics?

I have much, much more to write, but I have work I need to do right now. Ugh, capitalism, amirite?


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

This post was originally very different, but I realized I was making myself sad, so I rewrote it. Less maudlin melodrama, more reporting!


Here's what I have done so far:
1) Made a list of all the local stables that are within a twenty minute drive from where I live.
2) Drove to the first one on the list just so I would know what it looked like.
3) .........Had anxiety.


My next step is to call the stable to ask about lessons. I have absolutely no anxiety about the horses or about riding itself, but I have had terrible social anxiety for my whole life. (Apparently, when I first went to nursery school, I spent the entire first day crying. Not, like, cried for a while and then moved on--cried the whole time. I guess I did that basically the entire first week. Ma said I didn't have to go back, but I am also stubborn. I eventually stopped crying, but I was incapable of speaking while there for that whole first year. Selective mutism is a bad term, IMO, because it implied that the person is selecting when to talk or not. My brain had a complete lockdown on my throat. I could not make a sound to save my life. I'm not a toddler anymore, obviously, but I wanted to give an example of how bad it used to be.) I am already terrified of the people I'll have to interact with. I feel a little sick just thinking about it. With luck, and determination, and a good barn culture, I will get over that. Maybe I'll even make friends. That would be nice.


I have made two concessions to my anxiety:
1) the aforementioned visit, in which I didn't even get out of the care to look around, because I know not to wander around people's barn like a weirdo, don't worry. I just needed to see the place, to eliminate one unknown.
2) I gave myself a deadline for next Monday by which I'll need to call the trainer. Okay, anxiety we can push it back a little bit, but it's written on the calendar where everyone can see it, so.


The stable is very pretty. I don't have my heart set on it, and if things don't feel good I'll keep looking, but it looks very nice. It's a hunter/jumper stable, set far back from the road, in an area that is very green. They must have some lovely trails to ride. All the horses had been taken in for the day, but I saw a lil' horsie nose poking out of its stall door. Very sad to have been unable to pet it.


There's a few ways I figure the conversation can go:
1) It will go to voicemail and I will gratefully write them an email instead.
2) She picks up and is able to talk, and we do talk. We both ask each other questions, and I get a sense of what she's like.
3) She picks up and is very business-like, makes an appointment and that's that. In which case I either need to find a way to force out what I want to say (hello, I'm an adult re-rider, I'm autistic and socially awkward but actually very friendly, I'm not in great shape but am working very hard to get fit again, I will work hard at this, do you have a weight limit, dress code, special COVID policies, or anything else I need to know, etc.) or they go unanswered and I obsess about how it didn't go the way I wanted it to, and what if I show up at the barn and they think I'm weird and also I'm too fat for their horses.


I did not go into this post with the intention of writing so many numbered lists, but there you have it. I suppose I will write next on Monday. Wish me courage.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Good work doing a drive by.

Good work making lists. Lists are comforting. No problem with lists. It helps organize your thoughts.

Well done on the exercise and the motivation.

You can make the phone call!
(From someone who completely understands your social anxiety as I suffer from it too. Just one example. I did a PhD in science and wasted so much lab time because I did not have the things I needed for my experiments and was too anxious to go to the store and ask for them because the store guy was hard of hearing and often grouchy. So I not only had to ask for stuff, I had to repeat it often as he did not hear, which made me all the more anxious (was it me? had I said something wrong?). I usually got my lab mate to get my stuff. Now I tend to overcompensate and be overly chatting and social, and then I go home and crash from the exhaustion of pretending.) 

If it helps, I don't think the obsessing about the details will go away no matter how the phone call turns out. I think it's just a part of processing the situation for those of us that do that, and you know, I think that is ok as long as we know it is just processing, it does not define the truths of the situation. Just because you are worrying about being weird, does not mean you are weird. Just because you are worrying about your weight, does not mean it is an issue for riding.

As you get on with the checking stables process, I think you would find that all the "good" places would want to know your height and weight straight up anyway to see if they have a horse that is a good fit. It is something I have been asked at everywhere I ride (lessons and trail rides), and now I just tend to make contact with "hi, I would like to come ride, do you have an advanced beginner friendly horse suitable for someone who is [weight and height]".


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I have had brushes with depression, and it runs in my family, but the last year I have been quite deeply mired in it, more than ever, even with medication. But, I have always been able to grab upon and enjoy, as a small sweet, a beautiful moment. Sometimes, people who are depressive get into this place where they feel undeserving of ANY happiness that might stumble across their path, since, afterall, they are busy being unhappy, and an unhappy person shouldn't be happy, unless it's something that makes them change, fundamentally, into a no longer unhappy person. My strength, as I've been told, is that I give myself permission to be happy about some small thing, even if it does not one whit to change the fact that I am older, quite fat, have no horse and . . . yadda yadda. The thing was still worth taking a moment out of my job of being unhappy to recognize it.


Some days, tho, I can't see any of those 'things'.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I CALLED THE TRAINER and got voicemail. :rofl:

Thank you for the kind words, that's actually what gave me the courage to call!

Now I need to spend the next few hours arguing with myself about whether I should try calling again at a different time (maybe she was just busy) or sending an email. Or, idk, text? Probably not text.

Knowing my brain, I will almost certainly settle for emailing. Then I'll feel anxious about having done that, because their riding lessons page listed a phone and email, but their contact page said to call to ask about riding lessons. And I'm probably reading too much into that and actually an email is just fine.

I'm probably giving the impression that I'm a nervous wreck all the time haha. I'm not, I'm actually fairly easygoing. It's just that establishing contact is one of the most difficult things for me, and this is very important to me, so those two things together mean I'm a bit of a mess atm. It'll settle down.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Well done 

I would email and follow up with a call if it made you feel better to cover all your bases. Email along the lines of "I just left you a voicemail and understand if you are busy and don't have time to return it. I am looking to start lessons as an adult re-rider...(briefly explain your situation)...I will try catch you by phone later, but please feel free to respond via email".

Then if they do not respond call, or text, or if you have to, Facebook messenger (I am not on social media and really dislike when some places mainly only use Facebook messenger [one of my daughter's activities does this and the organizer takes forever to respond to an email or text]).


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

So I've left a voicemail message and an email, basically saying contact me via whichever is the most convenient. (And I'm doing better today because, in addition to this, I was also worried about one of my cats all week, but everything looks normal with her, pending bloodwork--the vet cleaned her ears out and I think maybe she'd been acting weird because she couldn't hear well? She's acting more like herself atm. Too soon to say for sure, but I'm feeling better.) So, all told, I'm less anxious than I was yesterday, but I do wish she'd call back.

And perhaps I shall take a drive down to the next stable on my list, in case this just doesn't work out. 

It's been a really long week.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Right, so.

Haven't heard back from Stable #1, so I went to look at Stable #2 over the weekend. It doesn't have that long rolling driveway through the woods away from the road that #1 has (I'm a little enchanted with their driveway, ngl) but the upside of that was that I could sit across the street and look at their pretty horses! Their website is also a little more "down to earth" than the first one (which is very "posh," according to reviews). They've got actual people on in their photos, instead of them all being tiny prim teenage girls in tailcoats. (Nothing against tiny prim teenage girls in tailcoats, natch, it's just not an atmosphere I personally vibe with.)

(Also, and this probably isn't something I should be thinking about because it's so far away, but, _hypothetically_, when I am in the position to own a horse, I could actually afford to board it there, which I couldn't do at the #1.)

I just gave them a call, and I never thought I'd be disappointed to get voicemail. I left them a message. More waiting. :frown: And I stuttered a few times in the message, which should be irrelevant but, like. You know. Nerves.

*twiddles thumbs*


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## Caledonian (Nov 27, 2016)

Well done. 

Like you I'm awful with voicemail. I repeat information and forget the important stuff. 

The second sounds a lot better than the first. My local school's website is full of little children with sparkly hats and pink jodhpurs :icon_rolleyes: . I thought that it couldn't possibly be that bad in real life. I was wrong, it was far worse, they were everywhere. I was ready to leave within the first 15mins, then i remembered that the rest were either too far away or extremely expensive. 

There's nothing wrong with having a goal such as owning a horse. 

I hope they call you back soon. Stay strong!


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

I'm another one who is terrible with voice mail. I'm even worse over the phone live, though. I like email because I can write, rewrite, think about it some more, rewrite again, and then send.

I agree with @Caledonian that the second stable actually sounds better than the first. I am not sure you would enjoy the atmosphere of privileged teenage girl riders. I bet you'd be happier in a more laid-back environment.

I wish you lived near me; I'd be happy to show you around and introduce you to people.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Yay, well done on another contact.

How is the exercise routine going while you wait?


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## AliceWalker (May 7, 2019)

I think this is wonderful, and I think you are doing wonderfully!
I've struggled with minor bouts of depression, but I've had severe anxiety for a few years now (health anxiety, actually, but I'd like to think I have a bit of an idea of how you feel  ). If it were me, I'd personally go with the second stable you've mentioned so far (if it were just between those two). Last year I ran around my area searching for a barn to part-board a horse at. I went to maybe six or seven places. All of them were pretty posh, either boarding stables or lesson/boarding stables. Two indoor arenas, thirty stalls, viewing galleries, expensive-looking horses... the whole nine yards. The last place I went to was a pretty humble barn. Seven stalls, a tiny little arena. But the woman who owned it was the friendliest, most trusting horse person I'd ever met. She was happy to let me ride there without having to take lessons, jump at low levels if I please and just enjoy myself. Of course, I ended up picking that one. Yeah, the place is nothing special - but the people there are some of the nicest I've met and the owner is a godsend. 
Of course the choice is always yours!
Either way, I'm so glad you're taking this journey despite any difficulties you're facing. I'm sure it'll be well worth it in the end!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Yes, I agree that the second stable sounds like a better fit! I do have other options, but I'm hoping this one works out.





Caledonian said:


> There's nothing wrong with having a goal such as owning a horse.


 I know.  My ma is a little weird about money so I've gotten used to qualifying any kind of large purchase or financial commitment with "hypothetically someday." 




ACinATX said:


> I wish you lived near me; I'd be happy to show you around and introduce you to people.


Aw, I wish we were local, that would've been nice. 




MeditativeRider said:


> How is the exercise routine going while you wait?


Pretty well! Or, I suppose I won't really know for sure until I can get in the saddle, assess how I feel, and get feedback from the trainer. But I think it's going well! I've been doing this "yoga for equestrians" routine every other day, and picking one or two specific exercises to focus on.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

That sounds really good! If you feel like changing up the yoga routine, Dressage Rider Training has some free ones on Youtube. Another channel that has lots of equestrian specific routines is Rebecca Ashton. If you have an exercise ball/Swiss ball, that can be great for practicing horse riding things (hip movement, balance, posting etc.). I have done routines from both of those channels and enjoyed them. There is also a channel called Biorider Fitness but I have not tried out their videos and I am not sure how many full length routines they have on there.


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

Good luck finding a stable and a nice horse.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Ugh. I don't understand why this is taking so long.

I have now spoken with the barn owner of Stable #2, who said that one of their instructors would call me. Indeed, I have spoken with the barn owner twice now, because after a few days I called back just to make sure we were still good. Barn owner was surprised that I hadn't heard back and promised to check in with the instructor. I still haven't heard anything.

So I don't know what to make of that. Instructor could still call, it's only been a few days. But if not, I don't really know what to do. Calling the barn owner a third times makes me feel like a pest, and if there's something going on between the owner and the instructor, I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want an instructor who is reluctant or resentful; that's never a good idea. On the other hand, there are other instructors at that facility, and one of them could be a good fit, but it might also feel awkward.

It's going to be a couple weeks before I can get out to look at Stable #3. It's all a bit disheartening.

But hey, I went to the tack shop and bought a helmet and some boots (owning my own helmet is required due to COVID, and I haven't worn anything but sneakers in years). Picked up some breeches, too. And that was fun!


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Sounds fun buying some gear.

Sorry you have not heard back yet. I imagine people are just busy with other things and not prioritizing arranging new clients, which is annoying, but hopefully they get back to you soon.

Is there anywhere that you could pay to just go for a trail ride/trek while you wait to arrange lessons?


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

Depression and anxiety have controlled my life since I was very small. Really showed heavy in kindergarten and 1st grade as the teachers told my Mom that they felt I was too young to start school because I would go stand or sit by myself at recess. 

The reason I tell this is because there are so many of us suffering from it and often others never know. 
Very often, I dislike myself so much, that I assume others feel the same way towards me. My Dad did not like kids, and he didn't like us, so how could anyone else?

When I was younger, I seldom talked to others, and was told that I was stuck up. Wrong! I did not want to learn that someone else did not like me as well. 

Major depression seems to come in waves. For a while, I will level off and not be so bad, but yet I still feel that I am not good enough. Still the anxieties will be there. Then time comes around that I take a low dive and cannot forgive myself for anything I have ever done wrong. It actually goes much deeper than that, but I beat myself down. 

I tell this as I wonder if there are others that do the same thing? Often I find that I keep people are arms length to keep them from getting too close to me because I know that I will let them down as I don't want to explain to them what I am going through. I know they will see it as a weakness and look down on me for it. How many people will they go and repeat it to? Often people can't wait to go tell someone else. 

So, I just have a major protective barrier around me and it keeps me safe. 

Does any of this sound like you? We all try to keep it a secret.


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

I hope you feel better soon.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

MeditativeRider said:


> Is there anywhere that you could pay to just go for a trail ride/trek while you wait to arrange lessons?


Unfortunately not.  We're not really horse country. I'm surprised I've found as many barns in my general locale as I have.




Rudytoot said:


> We all try to keep it a secret.


Ah, see, that's just the thing. I am very open about my brain. No one would be criticizing me if I had cancer; depression is another type of chronic illness and should be treated the same way. The more we talk about it, the less stigmatized it'll become. That's very important to me.



Depression and anxiety suuuuuuuck. Have you spoken with a psychiatrist? Antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication is one of humankind's greatest inventions, IMO, though it can be a long journey to find the proper drug/dosage for you, and of course I don't know your situation. I am doing very well right now because my psychiatrist is great, among other reasons. I know it'll get worse again. And then it'll get better again. But there was a long period of time for me where "better" never meant "good," and it sounds like that's where you are now. It's a really rough place to be. I hope you feel better soon.


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## marymane (Feb 2, 2020)

I'm trying to get back into riding too. I took lessons as a kid and rode on and off for a few years up until now (honestly more "off" though...unfortunately). I even had my own horse for a while too but the family had to get rid of him when my parent's work situation changed a bit. It was a situation where he was "my" horse but my parents owned and took care of the money and everything since I was still in high school then. So when the family had to start budgeting he was the first to go. Now that I'm older and will be footing the bills myself it's an option again.

I can relate to the anxiety...and the depression...and the autism...these are all things I also have to deal with. Unfortunately, I can't really offer any advice though. I'm not the best at advice and so far how I deal with my own is to just ignore how I feel, for the most part, which probably isn't that healthy in the long run. However, one thing I will say is you could try contacting through social media if any of the barns near you have an active page. That way you can contact them and ask questions all through messaging instead of the much more intimidating phone calls. I also really hate phone calls and avoid them as much as possible but it's surprising how much business is conducted through messages online now. As for them not getting back to you it could be that they're just super busy and stressed out with all the COVID stuff. A lot of people do their horse-y stuff as a side gig so it's possible they have a second job they're distracted by. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. If they have a bad attitude this early on then it's nothing you've done, they're just not someone with a personality worth bothering with XD or in other words it's not you that's the problem but the stick lodged firmly up their--

I also agree with a more casual setting being better. Fancier barns are perfectly fine for ambitious show people but I think for most leisure riders a more laid back environment is best (and often more budget friendly). It all depends on your needs. I'm also not in horse country either so options are limited. Very limited. More limited than yours to be honest. I'd honestly like to take lessons and/or lease before getting my own horse again but there just isn't anyone around to offer that. It's incredibly frustrating. The only person close to me that offers lessons doesn't have lesson horses of their own currently so you'd have to trailer in your own. Forget that! Not that I wouldn't if I could but that's just not something I can do. (I'd wanted to take the lessons to build my confidence back up again before getting my own horse but that's a moot point when you'd need your own horse for the lessons in the first place!) It's a pain but luckily one of the barns is nice with good people. I'll just be trail riding and maybe dipping my toes into some western style dressage for the heck of it so a very casual setting is preferred and less stress inducing.

The search for a horse has been painful though. I've mostly been looking on social media because some people post there a lot and they're often more up to date than listings on sites specifically for selling horses but it's a lot of "out of my price range by 10X" and "this is shady as all get out". I've also wanted to start my own journal on here but I've been waiting until I find a horse again...unless anyone would find me grunting and moaning about how annoying I find the search entertaining...

I'm sure things will work out for you. This got a bit longer than I originally meant (don't want to steal your thunder, this is YOUR journal after all) but just know you aren't the only person in the boat. I think working with horses can be a great confidence builder and therapeutic even if we don't work with them explicitly for that purpose. So I'm interested in hearing, once you get back in the saddle officially, how that goes. I for one am I completely different person when in "equestrian mode".


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## Rudytoot (Feb 14, 2020)

I have been seeing doctors since the 3rd grade. I think I have been through all meds they make, and am on the one that keeps me from dipping down so low. It is called Viibryd. My diagnosis is Manic Depressive. 

I remember thinking that I would do anything to have someone like me. But the real truth was that I disliked myself so much that I did not take care of me.

I am so thankful that it is my worst symptom as there are more that suffer than I do. Such as Schizophrenia. I have known three people that suffered from that and they were in living hell. I know that one committed suicide; one died from being septic, as no one believed what he said, and the other I lost contact with but she was in the same grade as myself. I remember one day she stood up in class and attacked a teacher verbally that scared me. At the time, I did not know she had this, and knew nothing of the disease, but she acted in a way that I have never seen before. She was a beautiful tall redhead, and she was always so nice to me. 

I know that I will have this the rest of my life, and I will never be healed. I accept it, but I mostly wanted to write what I did because I feel that others suffer from it too, and to show that you, and others, are not in the boat alone. 

I find that animals are my best friends and they always love me no matter what and accept who I am. Dogs and horses mostly. When I lose one, it is like the death of a person to me, and I feel that people wonder why I put so much importance on animals. 

As a whole, people look down on people with mental problems. I often have heard others say, "he or she is crazy." Or they speak of people with mental problems like they have the plague. Even at the doctors office, I am friends with the lady that is the doctor's assistant. She rolls her eyes about the people that come in for help and says it is driving her nuts. She makes the statement, "You see what I have to deal with all day." I do like this lady, but it is sad that her empathy for people that are suffering not only from mental problems are also dealing with social and being able to interact with others. Yes, some seem more off track than others, but they are in a living hell. Many do not have social skills and they are just trying to get from one day to the next. I am so sorry for these people. 

Most people will use your mental problems against you. If they don't like what you say or disagree with you, they will throw that up to someone else. She is crazy, mental, or nuts. 

Mental illness is not accepted by most, even when others are dealing with it as well. The brain is an organ in the body as well as your heart, liver or any other part. The brain is such a control center for the body that it cannot be messed with. You pretty much have to leave it alone. But people don't think about that. You can't get a brain transplant or remove part of it. 

If I could help someone else that suffered, I would be so happy. Often when reaching out to others, it helps you to realize things about yourself, and it is rewarding to think of someone else other than your own problems. 

Yes, I do agree 100%, that depression and anxiety do suuuuuuuck! And that is putting it mildly.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I am feeling very misanthropic tonight. For a number of reasons. People not wearing masks. People driving around the neighborhood with loud exhausts.

And the waiting. The waiting and waiting and waiting. It's frustrating.

HEY! HEEEEY!! HORSE PEOPLE IN MY AREA! I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU MONEY IN EXCHANGE FOR GOODS AND SERVICES. CALL MEEEEEEEE.

Okay, so. There was actually a fire at a local stable last week. No one hurt, but a lot of destroyed gear and, of course, a bunch of horses that needed emergency housing. I don't know if the people I'm waiting to hear back from, specifically, are involved in helping out, but I wouldn't be surprised. So they all have good reasons, on top of COVID making everything harder to begin with.

But still. Bah humbug.

I need to stop looking at horses that are for sale, though. It would be irresponsible of me to buy a horse right now (I need to finish my thesis so that I'm not spending money on grad school, I need to get better at horses, I need to do a thousand things to get ready...) but tell that to my heart! I saw this one earlier today, a filly--like, a _little_ filly, not even a yearling yet--Frisian/Shire/Irish Cob (I have an enormous soft spot for drafties), absolutely _gorgeous_, and, obviously, exactly what I don't need even if I _was_ in the market. XD That's just most ridiculous example, but you get the gist. They all tug at my heartstrings and I don't think it's good for me.

In the exercise department, I'm trying to work on retraining my body to use my core instead of my limbs. I've been reading about anatomy, it's super interesting! Fun fact of the day: when you look at a the area between the bottom of the ribs and the top of the pelvis, the only skeletal support in that area about four inches of spinal column. That's why strengthening the core is so important, even outside of riding. I'm working on learning how to do proper crunches, that actually work the core and don't hurt the neck, and I've come to the conclusion that everyone teaches crunches wrong. I've always been told to "curl your shoulders up" or to "bring your shoulders up toward your knees" but also not to hunch my shoulders. The problem with that is that when your instruction involves moving your shoulders, you're going to lead with your shoulders, and that's how people end up doing them wrong and hurting themselves. The best advice I've seen so far is that you should think of it as bringing your _rib cage_ up toward your knees. That's made a huge difference! Even so, my shoulders/neck keep trying to curl up, just because my body doesn't know how to move in that way. But I'm getting better at it!


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Frustrating you have not heard back from anyone yet. Maybe keep trying all the others on your list until you get a hit? Even if it turns out to not be a great place, you might get some lessons in before you hear back from others and at least it will give your horse time and a perspective on what you do and don't want. Is there anywhere you can volunteer (therapy barn, rescue etc.) in your area that you could just help out with some grooming or chores?

Good work on the exercise, that is great! Yes curl up from the ribs and make the distance between your ribs and your legs shorter is the best way to go for core strengthening. I find it helps to look up at the ceiling and keep my arms in a fixed position and that keeps my shoulders straight.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

MeditativeRider said:


> Frustrating you have not heard back from anyone yet. Maybe keep trying all the others on your list until you get a hit? Even if it turns out to not be a great place, you might get some lessons in before you hear back from others and at least it will give your horse time and a perspective on what you do and don't want. Is there anywhere you can volunteer (therapy barn, rescue etc.) in your area that you could just help out with some grooming or chores?
> 
> Good work on the exercise, that is great! Yes curl up from the ribs and make the distance between your ribs and your legs shorter is the best way to go for core strengthening. I find it helps to look up at the ceiling and keep my arms in a fixed position and that keeps my shoulders straight.


Ah, hm. There's actually a draft horse rescue about half an hour away from me. That's a little further than I'd like to travel, but I do love draft horses. Partly I think I'm a little reluctant to make a commitment to something when I don't know what my schedule's going to look like, where I'll be taking lessons, etc. Maybe I should get over that, though! It'd be good for me in the short term and I bet, long term, I could make a weekly Horse Day, where I take lessons at a local place in the late morning and then go volunteer in the afternoon. I have to think on that. I hate cars, so it's a long drive for me, but I might be able to make it work.


For crunches, I've been keeping my hands right on my neck, so that I can feel if my neck tries to curl up (spoiler, it's still trying to curl up).


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

:dance-smiley05: I HAVE A LESSON SCHEDULED FOR FRIDAY!


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Wahoo, so exciting! Enjoy your horse time. Let us know how it goes.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

So! Two things:

1) I am very happy
even though
2) the lesson didn't really go that well.

First off, no one was wearing a mask, and secondly, across the street was a big banner for a political candidate that I really don't like. This says nothing about the stable people's politics because they obviously don't have a say over what their neighbor's do, but it was unpleasant to see. Ick.

Apparently, the way Stable #3 runs is that the Owner helps students with grooming and tacking up and then the Instructor teaches the lesson. Unfortunately, Owner was not there today, so Instructor tacked the horse up while I was signing paperwork. I was pretty bummed--given the choice between grooming a horse and riding one, I'll pick grooming. (I like to ride! I just like being able to touch the horse and get to know him first.) He was a big ol' gelding, very pretty, and he lipped at my hands without any hint of teeth, but his ground manners were _terrible_. He kept tossin his head, he wouldn't hold still while being tacked up, he wouldn't hold still at the mounting block, and he definitely wasn't interested in holding still for the lesson!

I assumed we'd be starting on a lunge line, but no. So I got on him and Instructor adjusts my stirrups and Horse refusing to keep his feet still. Then off we went around the ring, with Instructor calling out corrections. I'm used to lesson horses being very bored and very used to impatient students kicking their sides (ergo needing quite a bit of encouragement to get up to a trot) and so this was unexpected and a bit alarming. 

And I'll be honest, I was a little unnerved. I have never been on a horse that big, which I never thought would be a problem, but combine that with how unready I felt and I was feeling anxious. So, naturally, my body just tenses up, which tightens my legs and whoops, we're trotting now. 

Posting, in my experience, is like riding a proverbial bicycle--and this wasn't really any different, bounce bounce bounce and then I found the rhythm. It wasphysically harder than I remember, though! I don't know if that's because I weigh quite a bit more than I did the last time I rode or if it was something about his gait (I don't know enough about horse's gaits to comment there) or if it's just because I'm rusty. Whatever, that'll come back with practice.

And so I spent most of the lesson trying to get Horse to walk instead of trotting. Poor Horse, I know he was confused, I was sending him a lot of mixed messages. Wasn't his fault.

But like. Instructor kept telling me to relax my legs when I though they already _were_ relaxed. And how do you apply inside pressure (to get Horse to stay by the rail) with your leg while also relaxing your legs?

And she kept criticizing my hands which a) fair, because they weren't great, but also b) dude that's why you start on a lunge line. But the reins kept sliding through my fingers when I was focusing on other things, and I was very worried about hurting his mouth, because I knew my hands were all over the place. So there's that to work on.

By the end, after taking a minute to mediate (difficult to do while posting but I've done in it in weirder places) and focusing on relaxing specific leg muscles on at a time, I finally relaxed enough to get him to walk for more than a few paces, and we finally did a complete circle at a walk. My position was definitely better at that point, I could feel it in me and in Horse.

When it was time to dismount, Horse did fortunately hold still, but my legs were like "nope" and so I fell down haha. They felt like overcooked noodles. I'll definitely be sore tomorrow! (Er, today. It's past midnight. Oops.)

...It's funny, Instructor said that the person who half-leases Horse has to wear spurs to make him trot. I don't want to say "leaser must not be very good at riding" because I have no legs to stand on in that department, but... Idk, maybe Horse ate his wheaties this morning or something. Seems bizarre to me.

In conclusion, Stable #3 is not "the one." When I started typing this, I was going to say that that's fine, I'll use it as a stopgap until I can try out more places, but honestly, reading back what I wrote, it seems pretty dreadful haha. I was so elated to be around horses that I was (am) happy anyway, but perhaps I'll contact Stable #4 sooner rather than later. Depending on how that goes, I'll know how to respond if Instructor calls to schedule the next lesson.

(I am still hoping to get a call from Stable #2, also, because I _did_ hear from one of their instructors, but it was so we could talk about what my prior experience and what my needs are, not to schedule a lesson--the instructor had a horse show that weekend, and was going to call me back after finding a good place in the schedule. That was maybe a week and a half ago, though, and I haven't heard anything since. I have concluded that that particular instructor is really bad at prompt communication, but I feel much more positive about the interaction than I did the first time I spoke to #3's instructor. Here's hoping.)


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

.............................ow. :frown_color:





My legs are about what I expected they'd be, but the thing that actually hurts the most is my shoulders. That's disappointing, because I think it means I wasn't using my core. (I had so many things to focus on that I just forgot.) I also carry tension in my shoulders in general. Ah, well.


Anyone have thoughts on a private instructor vs one at a lesson barn? There's on in my area, CHA certified (assuming the CHA page is up to date). I don't have any information except the name and contact info--there's no website or anything. I'm thinking it might be more personalized? But could also be much more expensive, idk.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Progress! On Tuesday, I am going to visit not one but two barns! At least one of those will overlap with a lesson that I can watch. I'm also talking with a third person, though nothing concrete yet!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Just to keep this up to date--after all this struggle to find _any_ good place, I now have three lessons scheduled at three different barns this upcoming week! One Monday evening, the next Tuesday morning, the third Thursday morning.


I am very hopeful! I've now been to see two of the three and have really good feelings about them. Haven't seen the third one yet, so we'll see. Knock on wood, but surely one of these is The Right Place! Frankly, I think the most likely situation is that I'll fall in love with all three and then need to choose (because I'm not sure I can fit three weekly lessons in on a regular basis atm).


I am a smidge worried about how sore I'll be, going from no lessons to three in one week, but I will manage it.





Notes on all the barns I've tried, for my reference:
#1 "FC" never called me back.
#2 "CM" did call me back, we had a good chat, but they never actually scheduled a lesson and it's been weeks since I've heard from them.
#3 "GC" I had a lesson there, it wasn't great and gave off a lot of red flags. I did not schedule another lesson.

#4 "CH" answered to my first email, but not my reply.

#5 "FW" I saw on Tuesday, looks nice, small family business, good people, friendly barn cats, it looks like they take good care of all their animals (including the cats*). I like their lesson plan. Lesson schedule for Tuesday!
#6 "SL" Missed the appointment we had for Tuesday, but rescheduled and made up for it yesterday. Also looks nice, friendly people, bigger than FW, has at least one other autistic student. Lesson scheduled for Monday!

#7 "HM" Haven't seen it yet, owner seems friendly, lesson scheduled for Thursday! Am actually hoping a little bit not to like it, so that I can just focus on FW and SL, but we'll see how it goes. My mind isn't made up on anything yet!







*Obviously, the horses at all the places I'm considering look great (or I wouldn't be looking at them) so it would be redundant for me to say that for each one. But I rode at a barn when I was a kid where they took great care of the horses and _terrible_ care of the barn cats. I might tell that story some day, but not today. Needless to say, I pay just as much as much attention to a stable's cats (if they have them) as I do their horses. So far, FW is the only one I've been to where I've seen cats; they seemed happy and looked healthy.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Enjoy all your lessons. You are very lucky to have so many options for places to try out, even if it feels onerous to explore them all. 

I understand the preferring not to have choice. My DD is very much like that. She cannot decide between things because she worries about what she will miss if she makes the "wrong" choice. Hopefully it all sorts itself out. Even if you like them all and have to pick one, you know the others are there to go back to in future if something changes at the one you do choose.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

MeditativeRider said:


> Enjoy all your lessons. You are very lucky to have so many options for places to try out, even if it feels onerous to explore them all.


I forget that distance is relative sometimes. I'm from a very small US state. Everything's packed in close. For me, a drive of over 15 minutes is a long drive. I forget that there places in the world where you can drive for six hours and see nothing but cornfields or desert. In some ways, it's probably easier to find the right riding school in the suburbs than it is in the country, because there's less horses in the area but the ones that are there are all relatively close together.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

I had to LOL at the drive for six hours and see nothing but cornfields or desert for my own situation. I am in NZ, so if I drove for six hours I could drive half the length of the island I live on and I would see a grand array of different landscapes. However, I totally know what you mean, we lived in SoCal for 3.5 years and did many road trips up the coast and inland and some of them were very tedious.

The lack of places to ride for me is just a more they do not exist than the distance. I have tried all four in my area and there is only one I am happy to ride at. One is better than none though, and it is amazingly perfect for me. They just have a super busy schedule because they also run therapy lessons, which is obviously their priority, and then the non-therapy lessons are popular because everyone else realizes they are the best place to ride in our area too.

How did all the rides go? I hope it was educational at the least and maybe even enjoyable?


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Indeed!

The first lesson went just fine, and the second lesson went _beautifully_!

So, Monday night (at "SL" farm), I rode a palomino paint mare named Chica. Chica was not particularly thrilled to be asked to work when all of her friends were eating their dinner, and it was compounded by me giving mixed signals because my body has forgotten how to, well, how to ride! I was not on a lunge line, but we did okay. But the instructor was very nice and knowledgeable, and I was overall pleased. This barn also has an indoor ring, so I'll be able to ride on any day that it's safe to drive there.

Tuesday morning (at "FW" farm), however, was literally everything I wanted. The instructor (also the owner, in this case--it's a very small barn) and I spoke pretty in depth about what I wanted when I visited the barn--basically, treat me like a raw beginner because my knowledge is too old, but don't be surprised if I catch on to certain things quick. And that's what she did! I rode a chestnut quarter horse gelding named Bob. Bob, apparently, loves to jump, but is very bad at it!  He was extremely patient, but very attentive. We started on a lead rope, moved to lunge line when I was settled in, and at the end she had me do a few loops by myself.

The only problem with FW is that they don't have an outdoor ring. I'm investing in some good quality winter clothes.

And tbh, I cancelled the lesson at "HM." I was _so_ pleased with FW that I can't imagine choosing some place else right now. HM also doesn't have an outdoor ring, or I might have tried it to see how it compares to SL, but as it is, I don't think I need to try them out.

I paid for some lessons in advance at SL, and depending on how things go, I might continue to go there in addition to FW, if only because they have an indoor ring. But FW's where it's at, as far as I'm concerned!

I hope to post pictures of Bob and Chica at some point, but not without asking first, obviously, so it might be a little bit.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Ugh, yes! Riding a lesson horse when everyone else is being fed is not fun!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

ACinATX said:


> Ugh, yes! Riding a lesson horse when everyone else is being fed is not fun!


I mean, same. I don't like having to work when my housemates are eating dinner, either!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Muscle memory is a glorious thing. My posting is really wobbly due to not having done it in so long, but my body remembers it. I remember when I was learning to do it as a kid, and it took me months to start to get it. I didn't like trotting because sitting on the horse's back being bounced around was uncomfortable. Now, posting is physically more difficult (because I weigh more and my muscles are weaker) and my balance is all over the place, but my body remembers how to do it.

On Friday, I learned about trotting on the correct diagonal. I had heard this term before, but didn't actually know what it meant. I was able to change diagonals on the first try! (The instructor and a couple other riders seemed impressed. That felt nice. 😊) Skipping one bounce was intuitive because of that good muscle memory. The hard part will be learning when it needs to be done myself, as opposed to having the instructor tell me.

Things to work on:
- core strength (even picking hooves is hard work for me right now)
- stamina
- balance
- relaxing my legs, not sending mixed messages by tensing up when I give a command
- looking where I'm going instead of at my horse's pretty head
- paying attention to diagonals so I can learn which one I'm on

Bob is a very good horse.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I went looking to see if there was progress after I tried to another thread. Glad to see a journal. They can make so much of a difference and being g interactive a ready made place to find support.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thanks!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Progress! Hard work is starting to pay off. My posting has gone from "really wobbly" to "starts out steady, becomes wobbly when I'm tired."

My leg muscles and tendons are tight, it seems like the more I stretch them the worse they get. They're just whining, I think. "Heels down" is getting more difficult for now, but I think that'll pass as I work on it.

Bob had a little spook last lesson. Not bad. There was some commotion in the paddock nearest the ring--someone went to fetch a horse and I think a second horse forced its way out at the same time? I didn't quite see the details because I was paying attention to Bob. It was kind of like spooking in slow motion (and not because of the "adrenaline makes you faster" thing ,but just because Bob is just a chill dude). I saw him notice the commotion and tense up. I thought to myself, "Is he gonna spook? He's not. Nope, yes he is. Ah, I should probably grab onto something [because I can't keep my seat if he really bolts]. Saddle? No, mane." And I had enough time to think that before he did spook, and to grab his mane just a few steps into it. I did fall forward a bit (still working on my balance!) and maaaaybe would've tumbled if he'd really meant it, but he just cantered to the center of the ring, stopped, and let me calm him down. There was another rider who came over to hold his head, which was very nice of her, but I think we'd have been fine even if we'd been alone. (My instructor had seen that we were okay and gone to help with the loose horse.)

Since no one got hurt (including the human and the horses who caused the ruckus) it was actually funny to me. My previous experiences with spooking horses all resulted with me on the ground. I don't know if Bob was consciously trying to keep me onboard and get us both away from the perceived danger, or if he's just a calm enough fellow that he doesn't bolt. If that's Bob's version of spooking, I'm okay with that!

I keep forgetting to get pictures.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

This isn't horse related but I'm really bummed, so I'm just gonna type it out. For a number of reasons (fiscal, their health, my health, convenience, etc.) I've been living with my parents since I got out of college. I finally reached a point where I'm ready to move out, and they're supportive instead of anxious, and I thought I had the perfect place. I was even looking at furniture and trying to figure out which cat rescue to work with. And it didn't work out, and I'm more crushed than I thought I'd be. I can still look at furniture and stuff, because I'm going to need those eventually, but I need to cut myself off from Petfinder and local rescue sites. The cute fluffy kitten whose picture I fell in love with will probably not be available when I finally move out, or at least I genuinely hope she won't be, because she deserves to have a good home _now_, as do all the other cats I've looked at. And I really liked the look of this apartment. I knew I was putting the cart before the proverbial horse, but I thought it would work out.

So I'm a little heartbroken. Just a _little_--I do know that even if everything goes well, that things rarely go according to plan. I was just really hoping to be in my own place with my own cats, preferably a little closer to Bob's barn, maybe even in the next few weeks, and that's not going to happen.

C'est la vie.


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm sorry your apartment didn't work out. But I have found in my own life that real estate (rented or bought) rarely works out as you originally thought. The best way to deal with this kind of disappointment is to assume that something better is around the corner. 

The cat thing is harder. Yea, stop looking till you are in your new place. The perfect cat will come up then.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thanks. I'm feeling much better now. I bounced back pretty quickly, and I'm excited to keep looking, but I was surprised at how disappointed I was.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Last lesson, I learned about the sitting trot. I'd heard of the sitting trot but couldn't imagine why someone would want to -- I remember that trotting before I got posting down wasn't particularly comfortable. I thought the horse wouldn't like it too much, either. It was actually much better than I remember, presumably because I wasn't trying to learn to post at the same time, haha.

Purposes of the sitting trot (feel free to add if I missed any):

Good test of how tense the rider is, also of balance
Gives the rider a break from posting while still maintaining the trot, good for people who don't have the right muscle strength yet
At faster paces, helps the horse balance through tight turns


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Nothing much to update. I'm a beginner making beginner mistakes. Like looking where I'm going, instead of looking at the purdy horse. I can feel my posture become better when I look ahead, but I keep forgetting and looking at his ears.

Anyway, here's a pic! This is Bob. He's a good boy. Yesterday I gave him little candy canes instead of carrots and he got visibily excited. It was cute!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I'm making a lot of progress, but it's all in little areas that are hard to write in depth about. My instructor is very good. For example, I've been having difficulty with where my eyes should be. My instinct is to look between the horse's ears at the ground in front of us, to look at the terrain. I was struggling with the idea of looking ahead and planning a route, because my route is a circle and "where I'm going" is, technically, I'm going to be right back where I am right now in a minute. So do I look five feet ahead of me? Ten? Twenty? My instructor announced one morning, "We're doing three-loop serpentines today!" Going in those S shapes helped it click. I had to actually plan the route, so I learned what that felt like. It's still something I'm working on, but I'm getting better!

I'm in the process of buying a house. It's exhausting. I want to start doing lessons twice a week, but I'm just very overwhelmed in general right now. Last Friday, I got to the barn and just sort of slumped against Bob for a minute. Good, sturdy, steady Bob. He's great for giving hugs.


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## PinkPrancer (Nov 10, 2020)

I just caught up reading your entire journal, and it sounds like you're doing fantastic! Bob is super cute, he definitely looks like a sweet boy 

Best of luck buying a house!! My husband and I are gearing up to do the same in a few months and I'm dreading it, it's SO MUCH work! I think it's a good idea to hold off on doubling up your lessons until you've found a place and settled in, that way you won't have that added stress wearing you down and you can focus easier on riding.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thanks! I do feel like only riding once a week is holding me back, but there's just so much to do.  Good luck with your own search!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Last week, I rode a different lesson horse. Lucy is 26, a QH/Morgan cross, and delightful. She's smaller than Bob, with a less bouncy trot. She's more responsive, too, so you have to be a bit more precise (though she's still very forgiving). I was really worked up when I first mounted (work/house stuff) and had to take a few moments to just breathe and work on relaxing all my muscles. I think it went pretty well overall!

This is not the greatest picture, I'll see if I can get a better one in the future.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Okay ow, ow ow ow.

Just got back from today's lesson. It went fine, but my left leg was especially tight today, and my right ankle (my bad ankle, due to an injury in college) was acting up for unknown reasons. I'm happy because horses, but am very uncomfortable at the moment. And tired. I'm going to be tired all the time until the house stuff is settled. (Edit: Which, is house stuff ever really settled, now that I think of it? There's always something. I guess I'm just tired all the time now, haha.)


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

How are your lessons going, and the house buying?

Hope your ankle is feeling better. If it still plays up, one thing you could do is buy your own stirrups and leathers to use on the lesson saddles, then you could get some that have more give for your ankle. There are various types. I just got some Acavallo Arena Alupro and really like them. They have a wider bottom than a regular stirrup and I find they help with the sore knee I used to sometimes get.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

All's going well! My legs were both very sore for most of that week (I think I might have pulled something) but it recovered just fine. Today's lesson was great! Things are clicking for me. Today I worked very hard at keeping my chin up (otherwise I tend to stare at the ground) and holding more firmly to the reins (I usually have to keep readjusting them but it was better today). The only thing I feel like I really don't understand is how to tell which diagonal I'm on. Like, I know the theory, but putting it into practice, I can never tell. So that's the next thing I need to wrap my head around, while I practice eyes and hands.

The house is also going well. They accepted our offer and the house appraised! So now I guess we just sit around until the closing (late May).

Thank you for the rec! I will probably try some sort of brace or maybe just a boot that comes higher up my leg first (I'm only in paddock boots) but I will look into stirrups if it becomes a recurring problem. (Do half chaps supply any ankle support?) I'm glad you found something that helps you! It's always such a relief to finally find the thing that makes pain better.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Yay for the house, that is so exciting.

Argh diagonals. I took forever to get them. Finally got them, and then changed the horse I ride in lessons and now I am back to not being able to see what diagonal I am on. One thing that helped me to get them when I did was to every so often put my hand on the outside shoulder of the horse so I could feel when it was going forward. Another thing I did was on the lunge trotting, my coach got me to shut my eyes and I tried both the right and wrong diagonal to see what they felt like to post. Then I had to guess if I was on the right or wrong by the feel.

I also struggle with rein slippage, and looking at down (at my horse's ears) if I am doing something new. 

My half chaps do not provide any support as they are super flexible and soft leather. I don't think you want to make your ankle stiff, but that you want it to be able to flex to absorb motion, and if it can't flex well to absorb motion, then you want to get a stirrup that flexes. That is my general understanding of it anyway. I get pain in my knee first, then my ankle, then my toes go numb (this is after long rides of 3+ hours).


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

My instructor says I'm almost ready to canter, which is an exciting idea. I've never done that on purpose before. I need to get a little bit stronger, a little more endurance, and a little better balance. But almost!

Yesterday, we worked on posture. Specifically, keeping my knees in. Hooooo boy, did that make a difference! I could feel myself using muscles that I hadn't been using before. We also worked on diagonals. She had me go from sitting trot to posting and then figure out whether I was on the right one or not. Did that three times and I got it right every time! It's going to take a lot of practice, though. It is going to take a lot of practice, though! But that's just fine. 

Hope y'all are doing well.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

I just read your whole journal and really am happy for you and proud of you! Hope everything goes well for you. So glad you found a place to ride and are learning so much and doing well.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Well done on the diagonals. I used to get them and have lost it again. Hope you enjoy cantering when you get to it.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thank you! I don't quite have diagonals down pat, but I'm working on it. It makes sense now, at least!

This lesson, I rode Bee. Bee is a calm fella, but less experienced as a lesson horse, so you have to be more precise. He also tests his rider to see if he can get away with walking wherever he wants. I still felt very safe on him--he wasn't going to spook or try to run off with me (lazy boy haha) but you have to be firm with him, as opposed to Bob and Lucy who will try hard to meet you halfway. It was a challenge, and hard work, but it was fun, and my instructor was pleased.

Bee is a QH, I forgot to ask how old. I think he's a proper dun--you can't see it very well here, but he's got stripes on his legs in addition to the dorsal stripe. Either way, he's a very handsome lad.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

A satisfying feeling: when you're struggling with something, and then you think and you work hard and you figure out what the problem is.

Bob has the tendency to cut corners. He's also a seasoned lesson horse and knows most of what he's going to be asked to do. I was riding diagonally from one "corner" of the ring to the other, and Bob knew we were going to change direction when we got there, so he was doing that before I told him to. My instructor would say, "Pick a spot on the rail and make him go there," and I would pick a spot on the rail, and we wouldn't go there.

My instructor noticed that, if she stood in the corner, I could make Bob go around her, thereby making the turn correctly. Then she gave me a specific spot on the rail to ride to, and I could do that! Once she had verbalized that, it all snapped into place. I figured out that what I'd been doing was picking a spot, but because Bob knew what to do, when he turned early, my subconscious decided that I must have picked the _wrong_ spot and was therefore letting him "correct" us.  So now that I have figured out what my brain was doing, I know how to fix it.

Also, I think I need to work on a different startle response. Whenever anything startles me (just in life in general, not specifically on horseback) I say "whoa!" which can confuse a horse who has been voice trained. 

The house closes tomorrow. I'm am neither nervous nor excited, so much as patiently waiting for the next obstacle to overcome. Afterward, I will probably be so nervous I make myself sick. My brain worries after the fact, instead of beforehand. Brains are interesting things.


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## newtrailriders (Apr 2, 2017)

I've just read your whole journal and have enjoyed it very much! I'm excited for your horse journey and your house journey. You must be making great progress in your lessons, and now you get to enjoy a more "difficult" horse! 

I'm impressed with the way you set goals and then very steadily work toward them. I'd love to see pics of your house!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thank you! Solving the puzzle of why I can't make the horse do what I want him to is a fun puzzle to solve.

Bee apparently ate his Wheaties this morning. He was actually a handful! It surprised everybody; he is usually very lazy, but he had so much energy. His trot was very fast and I had to keep slowing him down. I even took a tumble. He tried to head back to the barn, and I kept him in the ring, but I was a little slow at it, so the angle we were at meant he was about to trot into the fence, so he stopped, and my seat is definitely not independent yet! It was no problem at all. In fact, in some ways it was a relief to have finally fallen? Like, falling once does not mean I won't fall again, but getting the first fall out of the way put my mind at ease.

I actually had a very good time. Despite falling, my instructor and a couple other riders told me I'd done a really good job with him. And making the horse slow down is a different mental exercise from making the horse go faster, so the change was interesting!

After the lesson, my instructor's daughter cantered him around the ring a few times to get some of his energy out. I'm obviously not around the barn often enough to properly analyze something, but if I had to guess I'd say that it had to do with the new mare they have on trial. They say he has a bit of a crush on her, and she's got some anxiety problems that he's perhaps reacting to (stress in one animal frequently transferring to others, and if he thinks he needs to be there to protect her then he might be agitated by being away from her). Of course, it could be something completely different, or perhaps there's no reason at all. Everybody gets hyper sometimes.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Having a bit of an off day, today. Actually, might have started as an off evening. I went to the house to do some spackling last night, only to find that we did not, in fact, have any spackle, despite what's I'd been assured. So that was annoying. Not devastating, just annoying.

I was really tense during my lesson this morning. I think that a part of that was because I fell off last week, though this surprised me because I hadn't thought it affected me. I was on good ol' sturdy Bob and everything went fine. I think partly I was just tense because I do that, I carry tension without even noticing it. I also felt like I was making more mistakes than usual. (I, uh, forgot to tighten the girth before mounting. 😅 No harm done, but I felt dumb.) AND I hadn't done my exercises last week because I was cleaning the house, and that made me tired, so I figured it counted? It probably did count as exercise, but not for my core, haha. So I felt wobbly on top of that. My instructor said that she could see I was tense (because it was her job to see that) but that I wasn't transferring that tension to Bob, so that's good, at least.

Oh, and they're keeping the new mare! The anxious one that Bee has a crush on? They say she's made a lot of progress in the few weeks she's been there. She's _very _pretty. I love bays. Perhaps I'll get to ride her some day, when she and I are both ready!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

FIRST CANTER!!! 

More later, am supposed to be working.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Don't you hate it when you have a post mostly typed up and then the internet eats it?

Today was kind of sucky, not for any terribly important reasons -- just one of those days. So here is the much less eloquent version of what I originally typed:

Ma was babysitting my nephew last Friday, and we thought it would be a good adventure to bring him to meet the horsies. He will turn two in November. He had a _fabulous_ time, though he was a little intimidated by how big they were, but he was also very brave. He got to wander around the barn largely wherever he wanted (with Ma following right behind and keeping him out of anything danger, obvs), take in all the sights (so many sights!), hear the neighbor's tractor, and give Miss Lucy so good pets (though feeding her a carrot was too scary, so I had him put it down on the grass for her. Naturally, she didn't mind).

I've only ridden Lucy once before. She's quite lovely, and is probably the most responsive horse I've ridden so far. My instructor has been preparing me for weeks to start to learn to canter, having me ride with no stirrups (I guess it's common to lose them when you're first cantering and it's important not to panic), riding several different horses, and doing exercises to test my balance and core strength. I don't know if she's originally intended for last week to be my first canter, since I was on a horse I wasn't as used to, but if I was basically there, perhaps she thought it would be cool for my mom to see it (which it was). There were several other riders in the ring and everyone cheered. 😊 I usually don't like being the center of attention, but it was nice.

Lucy and I cantered down the long way of the ring, then did the same in the other direction, so not very long stretches, but a good first start! My instructor warned me that Lucy's canter feels very fast but actually isn't, and I definitely see what she meant! It felt very fast at the time (it startled me a little!) but thinking back on the details, we weren't going much faster than a trot. Lucy's canter feels a bit like being on a rocking horse. I am hoping to ride Bob tomorrow so that I can compare!

I am in a better mood after typing this up. My self esteem is very low right now, for many complicated reasons, and remembering everyone congratulating me made me feel better.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

So I was on Lucy again and I'm actually glad that I was! It meant I knew what to expect. I did a full loop of the ring in both directions at the canter. 

I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing at the canter--I forget how to steer and everything! But Lucy can tell when her rider is inexperienced and doesn't take advantage. It's okay that my brain temporarily forgets how to ride because she will steer us correctly! (This is no longer the case at the walk, because she's apparently decided that I'm good enough there that she doesn't need to be so careful!) This meant that I could think about what I was doing. I realized my heels had come up and was able to shift my weight down into my heels to fix it. My instructor says I'm hunching over, so that's what I will focus on next.

Tomorrow I'm focusing on doing some good cleaning in my barn. I keep meaning to share pictures. I'll try to get a better pic of Lucy, too.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I'm so stressed. I'm just. So stressed right now.

Okay, horse stuff. This week's lesson was washed out by the remains of tropical storm Elsa, and between work and house stuff, I'm really too busy to reschedule. So no horses for me until next week. This does not help my stress levels.

Last week was good, though. We did this exercise where I went from a trot to a canter once around the ring, transition to trot, make a small circle at one end of the ring, and halt. Still no good pics of Lucy to share. It's funny, my body remembered how to post, so riding the trot (even adjusting to a sitting trot) was "just" a matter of fine tuning things. Learn about diagonals (am still working on this, getting better), keep my eyes/chin up, build strength and stamina, keep hands steady, that sort of thing. The canter is completely different. I'm about 15% going "whee, this is fun and exciting, I love it!" 10% "waaaah, this is different and weird, I don't like it!" and the other 75% is just feeling clumsy.

My dad tagged along last week, just for funsies. This was very convenient for me. I hadn't told my instructor that the new house has a barn, because my anxiety said not to (it might make it look like I think I'm a better horseperson than I actually am, it might make it look like I'm planning on severing ties once I've learned what I think I need to even though I have no intention of doing that... anxiety doesn't always make sense!). I love my father dearly, but he is approximately as subtle as a brick, and I knew that he would say something (it's not a secret, it's just me being awkward). So, ice broken! _dusts off hands_

Last post, I said that I was going to do some cleaning in my barn, and that didn't end up happening because I realized I didn't have the right equipment. It's been oppressively hot/humid in the time since, and doing physical labor alone in an isolated location in the middle of a heatwave didn't seem particularly smart. I swept everything out a while back, there's a fairly thick layer of dust and dirt other crud in the loft. We have barn swallows and a resident bat, plus I'm sure there's mice, so I'm going to wear a good mask and go up with a shop vac. The bottom floor is concrete, so I can just hose that down. One of the stall mats looks like it might need to be replaced, but that obviously doesn't need to happen any time soon. However, the longer I leave it, the more stressed I get that it's going to become vermin-infested (I don't count the swallows or the bat as vermin, and I know that some mice are inevitable, but the faster I get to it, the better).

I'm also stressed about moving. I'm moving things in slowly, and cleaning as I go, but it's hard to fit it in around my work schedule. I'm fortunate to have a flexible schedule, but there's only so much I can push it. We've also been told that they want us to start transitioning back to the office, which is stupid and dumb and bad for my mental health. My boss thinks that everyone in our group can probably swing a hybrid schedule; I can live with that. And there's the emotional stressed of deciding what to take and what to donate. Like, do I need or have room for this large stuffed rabbit that I didn't play with as a kid? No, I do not, and I didn't think I'd have a problem getting rid of it. But all of a sudden I can't bare to the think about donating it.

So, yeah, that's me.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Dreadful news, my riding instructor is taking a vacation right before my vacation, and between the two of us I'm not going to have another lesson until the last Friday in August. 😭

It is good, therefore, that my most recent lesson went so well!

But first: Three Fridays ago, I rode Bee (my "challenge horse") and it was ridiculously hot and humid. I will happily charge ahead in the cold, in the rain or snow or whatever, but raise the heat and humidity and I turn into a useless whiny baby. I'm open about it, "yeah lol I'm pathetic in the heat sorry not sorry." I had my instructor give me a specific task to focus on so that I could stop thinking about how much I hate summer; since there were other horses in the ring (including, at the time, a couple of kids, who were on babysitter horses but are still just kids) my task was to be very precise about Bee's movement. He's going to want to stop with when the others are stopped; don't let him. Be sure to give the little girl on Lucy a bit of a berth because she's the least experienced (it's the first time I haven't been the least experienced in the ring!). That all went fine. No cantering that day; you only do things that you're confident in on your challenge horse. I think she ended the lesson a little early to put me out of my misery; usually she actually runs a little long, which I like, but I was so happy to get out of the sun. Her daughter helped me hose Bee down after, which was nice for everyone.

Two Fridays ago, I was sick. Naturally, the cold that my nephew recovered from in 48 hours took me over a week to shake! My throat's still a little scratchy even now. That was also the week I moved into the new house! Which made the illness inconveniently timed, but what are you gonna do. I adopted a very stressed cat, Lexi, whose owner had to go into assisted living and left her with a neighbor; the neighbor is an acquaintance of my mom's and knew that I was "in the market," so to speak. Having her here has been good for me because it was something to focus on other than being sick (and hot. Did I mention that I hate summer?). Being in three different houses over the span of two weeks put Lexi under a lot of stress, and I've had a lot of difficulty getting her to eat. She was only interested in cat treats, which I gave her plenty of just to get some calories into her. It's especially urgent with cats because they can develop hepatic lipidosis in just a few days of not eating. I've been sneaking her a teaspoon of good food into bowls of those Squeeze Up treats. She had a checkup at the vet yesterday, though -- her weight is okay and she is healthy! She's finally starting to settle in and actually eat a little food. We're not completely there yet, but she'll be okay.

And then, yesterday, as I said was my last lesson for a few weeks, and it was lovely. I rode Lucy. We did a lot of trotting over poles in set patterns and ended with some cantering. I still tense up a lot when the canter first starts, but I can relax my muscles after a couple of beats. I'm becoming more familiar with the way it feels. I had a lot of fun! Sad to have to go three weeks without horses, but by then, I'm hoping I will be settled in enough here to start going for lessons twice a week.

I _still_ don't have a good picture of Miss Lucy, but here's some of Miss Lexi!
















edit: typo


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

I remember the first time I was not the most inexperienced rider in the ring! It's weird, isn't it? But also awesome because you know you've made progress.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I mean, the less experience rider was an eight-year-old, but still. 😅 It meant she was confident enough in my abilities that she knew I wouldn't make a mistake that would get the green little kid hurt. So it was nice. 😊


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I diiiiiiiddddd itttttttttt! It took a few weeks to gather courage, eventually resulting in taking some xanax before my lesson (anxiety sucks), but I asked my instructor about going up to twice a week lessons! She said yes, of course.

Today I rode Bob for the first time in a while. We cantered! It was very good.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I'm really exceedingly please rn. Extra lessons have been going well. Yesterday, they had me try out Penny, who is the new mare they got a few months back. Penny is 15 but was mostly green when they got her. They've put a _lot_ of work into her, and it shows, and they thought she might be ready to start being a lesson horse. In sum, she is not _quite_ ready.

Her exact history isn't really known, but they think she was basically put in a pasture and neglected for most of her life; she's never had to _work_ before, and she's also not used to having people take good care of her. She gets scared if she's left alone, but she threw a lot of hissy fits when they were first training her. She hasn't for a little while now, but for whatever reason, she did a bit. We made it about halfway around the ring and then she gave a couple little bucks, and I kept my seat! She wasn't actively trying to get me off of her (I am under no delusion that I could keep my seat from a horse who wanted me _off_) so much as protesting that she didn't _wanna_ do any work, why did we have to be so _mean _to her, etc. My instructor said her back feet came about six inches off the ground, and also that she hadn't expected Penny to misbehave so badly but that I handled it really well!

My instructor's daughter (who I'll just call K, because it's less of a mouthful than "my instructor's daughter") took over and lunged her for a bit, then rode her, so that she didn't get to thinking that being a brat would get her out of doing work, and I switched over to Bee. We had a good lesson, ending in me cantering on Bee for the first time! With Bob and Lucy, basically all you have to do to get them to canter is grab their mane with your inside hand, and they are so experienced as lesson horses that they know what that means. Bee is less forgiving, which is good because I actually had to practice giving the cue.

Looking forward to Friday!


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

That's a typical reaction from a older green horse. Sounds like she's coming around just fine.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Yeah, she's a good horse, she just needs a little more time. I'm looking forward to getting to ride her when she's ready.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Things have been going very well. Cantering still intimidates me a bit (my instructor says Lucy has a canter that "feels fast" even though she's not going very fast and I know what she means!) but last Tuesday I cantered on Bob and it was _good_! Up until now I've always kept one hand clenching the horse's man (which is entirely for piece of mind, since I _know_ that hands aren't the thing that keeps you on the horse, but you know how sometimes you need to trick your brain in order to do something) and last Tuesday was the first time I felt confident enough finally let go. I've cantered on Bob before but this time it just clicked.

So far, I've mostly been riding babysitter horses. Lucy and Bob are both very good with new riders, and Bee, while sometimes more difficult, used to be at some sort of dude ranch, so he's good at keeping his rider safe.

On Friday, I "graduated" to a more difficult horse, Stryder. Stryder is a big fella, a warmblood, and an utter sweetheart, but he is younger, a bit skittish, he gets nervous the first few times he's ridden by someone new, and his trot is HUGE. (He's still very safe, he just doesn't do beginners.) Like, I didn't actually fully understand what a "big trot" really means until trotting on Stryder, and 😬 wow do I really understand it now. I think with practice I'll actually really like it, but at the moment it's very intimating! Not frightening, though; it's just a lot to get used to.

He's a very good boy, though. I know they rescued him from a kill pen a few years back, and that he's been through some pretty rough stuff. He's also, at a guess, the result of the kind of breeding that I've read about here in the forums where, through carelessness or sentiment or whatever, no one put thought into what the end result of the breeding would be. I once heard my instructor joke with someone that his front half looks like a draft horse and his back half looks like a saddlebred. He just looks like a horse to me, albeit a very big one! I'm a bit enamored, tbh. 😍

On Sunday, the barn had a big trail ride at a local state park! Ride through trails looking at the pretty leaves, splash around on the beach, and have a picnic! I was on Stryder again. It was a lot of fun! The kind of thing I want to do more often. (You can't really tell from my face in this pic, but I really am having fun. I only recently started considering that performative smiling is a thing that might be worthwhile, to communicate to others that I am happy even if my mouth isn't doing it automatically. An autism thing, perhaps. In my defense, I didn't know I was being photographed lol. I just happened to glance at some barn folks as we passed them.) It's hard to tell from the angle, but I think I'm leaning too far forward here, which would be because I need to make my abs stronger (even only at a walk, Stryder "strides" big! takes more core work than other horses). I promise my left foot was pointing forward; my right doesn't turn all the way due to an old injury. From this picture, you also cannot see Stryder's truly magnificent roman nose on his giant head, which I think is cute. Also, it's partly the perspective of the photo, but Bee (behind us) just looks so small in this pic? I knew Stryder was big, but it wasn't until I was up on him and had to look down to see the other horses that I understood _how_ big!










More thoughts some other time, I've got work to do. :3


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

nm


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

I also suspect I'm somewhere on the spectrum. I have a smile, but it's a terrible smile because I have to force it and it's so obvious that I am. I don't understand how people can just smile an amazing smile on cue. Like, they're on a miserable vacation but someone is telling them to "smile for the picture" and they do, and all you see is this person with a great smile and you'd never know they are having a terrible time. My fake smile looks like someone told me "Just show me all of your teeth." It's that bad. I do sometimes have a real smile, but it's pretty rare.

My point being, maybe you shouldn't force the smile. You don't want to end up looking like me LOL.


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

ACinATX said:


> You don't want to end up looking like me LOL.


Awwww. I think you look just fine.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

@MeditativeRider Aw man, that really sucks. It can be so hard to find the right place to ride. I hope you have better luck soon. I always wonder at those places, why do they only do kids? I would think if you can instruct a kid, you can instruct an adult. What happens when the kid grows up? Do they get kicked out? It's weird.

My mom and I had a similar dynamic to you and your daughter, though in our case it's because she's super neurotypical. I get emotions mixed up a lot of the time, especially around anger -- I tend to think people are angry when they're not, and sometimes I think they're joking when they're actually angry. It can be a problem. We had some truly spectacular fights when I was a teenager that were entirely due to me thinking she was yelling at me over nothing and getting defensive, which she interpretted as rudeness out of nowhere, or, me thinking she was joking when she was angry and her getting more angry because I wasn't taking her seriously. Not the same as you and your daughter, but similar, I think. We eventually got through it, I'm sure you will too. 

@ACinATX I do think there's a difference between a fake smile (you're not happy but you smile anyway) and a smile when you're actually happy but your face just doesn't show it. I feel you, though. If I try to smile too big when I'm not very happy, the corners of my mouth literally start wobble. I also used to do the show-your-teeth thing (there's some pretty truly awful photos of me as a kid). For this reason, I always smile with my mouth closed (unless I'm literally laughing at something), and I've found that that helps some.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

nm


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

I think part of the wisdom of old age is that I have figured out that there is no "normal". Only a kind of middle ground where most of us fall. I think also that a psychologist would have a field day with me, diagnosing me with all kinds of stuff.

What makes us responsible adult is being able to live in the world that we inhabit. I have not figured it all out, what counts is that I seek.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

nm


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

I do see your point, and part of the problem for me is that I have trouble communicating through the computer. What I kind of was trying to say was that ALL persons have the capability of coping with their world in their own way. 

I understand your neurodiversity as you have described it. I have issues with certain things too. I really admire people who are able to put themselves out there and discuss this type of stuff. I try to chime in, sometimes I don't put my thoughts down how I am thinking them.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

I am lucky in my life because it isn’t in big cities and shopping centers and things like that. I am not autistic, but I do get sensory overload. Noises get really big to me too, and my oldest daughter. We drive my husband and other daughter crazy. I always figured it was an anxiety thing. Repetitive noises are the worst, chewing or dragging your feet, or things like that.

I don’t do well with fake smells, they seem to give me anxiety and make me edgy. I do fine with natural smells.

I wanted to reply to start reading your journal more consistently though. I really enjoy it.


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

@whisperbaby22 I understand.

@Knave Oh my gosh my oldest would drive you nuts. She drives me nuts. She is kind of the opposite to me in that she uses repetitive noises as a relaxation/calming type thing when she is anxious. Her big one is humming. Some days it is near constant, and I know I can't ask her to stop humming because that is not fair but some days I am very internally going "STOP HUMMING".

@Danneq Sorry for the derail.


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

Yea, sorry for the derail. 

I follow a lot of these journals, I have a of interesting conversations with interesting people.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

No, I couldn’t handle that well @MeditativeRider. Lucky for me my oldest doesn’t hold her tongue as much as me, and we scold her for it, but she lets people know when they are making noise. Lol


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

No worries, I am always happy to discuss how brains work! There's so much stigma built up around that sort of thing, whether it's autism spectrum or depression or actual psychosis, and the more we talk about it the easier it becomes to speak up for someone who needs it (including yourself).

When I hit sensory overload, I start dissociating. It's my brain's way of protecting itself. The world goes distant, sounds become muffled, it's just overall easier to handle. Unfortunately I can't do this like "drive a car" or even "ride a horse" when I'm like that, because when you're experiencing the world through a lens, your reaction times are trash. Fortunately, there are techniques to bring you out of it if you really need to, and more importantly it's never happened at the barn!

This week was rubbish. My nephew came down with hand/foot/mouth _and _an ear infection on Monday, so he was just a very unhappy boy. It rained all day Tuesday, so no lesson, which put me in a bad mood. I did have a lesson on Friday--I rode my ol' pal Bob and we worked on rein contact--but that night my SIL had to dump my nephew on me because my brother was in the hospital with a martial arts injury. Everything is fine, my brother is home now and my nephew and I had a fun evening. He's also feeling much better; he went four days not wanting to eat or drink because of the sores in his mouth, and Friday evening was the first time he asked for seconds all week.

Today we're all (minus my brother, who isn't up for it) going to the barn for a Halloween open house/party. They really go all out dressing the horses up in costumes, and it's my nephew's first real Halloween (he's almost two), so this should be fun, even if my brother can't come. This is Bob's costume from a previous year, per their FB -- he's the King of Hearts. 💖


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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

Cute!


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

Love it!


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Have fun at the Halloween party! I hope to see a picture of this year's horsey costume.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

We had a blast at the Halloween party, here are some horse costume pictures (some taken by me, some by my SIL, some by the barn owner). Going to make multiple posts, my laptop will handle that better than uploading all at once.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Bob King Robert I


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Stryder Marvel's Loki, Prince of Asgard etc.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Lucy (who I still can't get a good pic of, it's a curse) a lovely Hula Maiden


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Penny a giraffe who wandered into the stable I guess, weird


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Bee Bee


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I'm not going to post the other horses (I'm not 100% sure which ones are boarders, and I wouldn't want to just post a pic of some person's privately owned horse without their permission) but other costumes include, but are not limited to: a dragon, a pumpkin patch, the Mystery Machine (to match one of the owners, who dressed as Scooby Doo), and the Cat in the Hat (complete with striped socks).


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## MeditativeRider (Feb 5, 2019)

Wow, they really go all out. You have a cool barn!


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

The pictures are amazing. Bee is a gorgeous horse. And Bee


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

They really do 110%. I feel very proud, even though I had nothing to do with it. 😅


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

On Bob and Lucy, I am finally starting to _do_ things at the canter, as opposed to just going around the ring. Nothing fancy, of course. Trot around the ring, sitting trot in a circle, canter around the ring, canter in a circle; that sort of thing. I'm not struggling, per se, I just haven't done it correctly yet.  My cantered circles are too big. But I'll get there!

With Bee at the canter, I would say I _am_ struggling a bit. We worked on cantering today and it felt like an uphill battle just to get him to canter. This is twofold: one, with Bob and Lucy I don't actually have to _signal_ the canter. If you grab their mane at a sitting trot, they know what you want. So I haven't had much practice doing the signal yet. Two, for the first few beats of the canter, I still get really tense; I have to actively make my muscles relax. So, today, when I did get Bee to canter, he'd react to me being stiff by going back to the trot. I don't know if that's something about how he was trained, or if he's just going "my rider is not moving correctly, ow, I don't like it, I'm not doing this." Either way, this is also something that I will achieve eventually, but it feels much further away than my Bob/Lucy goals.

Mentally, I'm about at the place where I could start looking for a horse. I _want_ one, in a way I didn't until recently, because I knew I was too green, whereas now, I feel I could do it with the assistance of my instructor. Financially, though, it's not in the cards any time soon. I just bought a house and a bunch of furniture, the bathroom needs to be renovated, and prices for pretty much everything are _so _inflated right now. So I can't.

Anyway, I should probably be more comfortable at the canter before I buy a horse, and even start jumping a bit. Those are things I want out of a horse, to canter and to jump; not big jumps, not competitive, just for fun. And to trail ride! (Which also requires the purchase of a trailer, and a truck that can pull said trailer, and learning how to drive a big truck with a trailer attached. So just, like. A lot of things to spend money on first, and a lot more training that needs to be done.)

C'est la vie.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Had a wonderful ride on Lucy today! We were able to canter in correctly-sized circles and did multiple loops of the ring at the canter. I am still struggling to get my hips/thighs to just _relax already_, dagnabbit. Especially any time I have to do anything other than go around along the rail. As soon as my brain starts concentrating on what I need to do next, everything seizes up again. But having some progress is nice! I'm also practicing jumping position/the standing trot, in prepration for jumping! Kind of can't wait or that.

No lesson on Friday.  They're off to an Equine Fair. I actually thought about going, myself, but I can't take time off work, Saturday is my nephew's birthday party, and I'm going to need Sunday to decompress. Maybe next year.

Edit for typo.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Rode Bee today. It was a hard lesson and none of it was his fault. It rained last night and all of the rings were muddy. It's cold and I was stiff, even though I stretched beforehand. I've been talking with my teacher, and we've decided I should shorten my stirrups, so we tried that today; it will be good when I'm used to it, but it means I have to use my muscles just a tiny bit differently, which felt weird. There was a tractor doing some work near the ring, and while I wasn't worried that Bee would spook, everyone was just very distracted. My hip hurts.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I am not usually one who dislikes winter weather. I'll take freezing and covered in snow over summer any day. I keep having to miss lessons lately, though, and I'm not happy about it, obviously. Either it's freezing rain or it's 7 degrees F windchill (and while I might be fine with that, since I'd be exercising, I don't for a minute blame my instructor for not wanting to sit around outside for over half an hour in that cold) or the footing is just too bad to chance it. I've ridden maybe twice in the past three weeks.

They were both good rides, though. First was Lucy, who bridle I actually managed to get on without any trouble. (I struggle with bridles in general, because I get overwhelmed by all of the straps, and Lucy has warts in her ears that mean she really doesn't want her ears handled, so between the two of us I usually need help with her.) She's a sweetheart in the saddle, though.

Last Tuesday I rode Bee, who was particularly a handful that morning. Bee has two modes: "I refuse to canter, don't wanna, why are you being so _mean_ to me," and "Let's goooooo, time to canter, whoo!" 95% of the time you get lazy Bee. The first time I rode energetic Bee is the time I fell off. The time after that, they cantered him around first, so that he was tired when I actually rode him. _This_ time I just rode. It's still vaguely alarming, but also very satisfying. I kept him under control most of the time, and the handful of times I lost control I got it back pretty quick. Also, I apparently sit the canter better when I'm not planning for it, since it doesn't give me time to brace up, haha.

I also had two lovely experiences with the barn cats. Wendy, who hates being picked up, let me scoop her up, touch noses with her, scratch her ears, and set her down again. (Everyone was very impressed.) Then I sat down to write a check on Tuesday, and Shirley, who has lovely long fur but is somewhat skittish, took the opportunity to hop into my lap. It was very nice.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Been awhile since I last posted. Many things to share!

Let's get the bad news out of the way, since it's not really horse related -- I was laid off a few weeks ago. On the bright side, I was already planning on leaving that job, since I did the math and realized I would not be able to afford a horse on that salary (and with how small raises are, it would be a long time until I could). So... this just forces me to do it earlier than I'd been planning. It's still not fun. I'm not scared, just worried. I know my parents will step in if they have to, so I'm not worried about losing the house, and Ma has also said they'll start paying for my riding lessons if I need them to, because it's an important part of my mental health. Hopefully it won't come to that. At least the Bank of Mom doesn't charge interest on loans.

Now the fun stuff!

I have discovered a magical spell that has made my riding like 50% better. It's called "taking pain killers before the lesson instead of after."  Honestly, the things you can do when you're not in pain. We spent an entire lesson doing laterals a few weeks ago, which are usually hell on my hips, and it was just fine. It's a shame to need them, but I shall keep working on my strength and flexibility, and perhaps will need them less someday.

I have now ridden my boy Stryder enough that his trot no longer unsettles me (literally or figuratively) which is great because he is one of my favorites. 💜 We have even done a little bit of cantering -- just a little!

On Lucy and Bee, I have started jumping! Just the trot for Bee, but the trot and canter both with Lucy.

Bee and I have been having communication issues around the canter. He was a dude ranch horse before coming to the barn, so his job was basically to ignore whatever queues his rider was giving him because they didn't know what they were doing. He certainly never cantered with them! So it's hard to convince Bee to canter, and only a few people can do it reliably. It makes him nervous. Moreover, I still get real stiff when signaling the canter; I usually relax within a few strides, but it's a conscious effort. This past Friday, we had a breakthrough!

I also started volunteering at the barn on Saturday mornings. I get to learn things about taking care of horses, help out, and have more horse time! I have mostly been riding Penny on Saturdays. They have decided that she is not actually a good candidate for a lesson horse and are looking for a new home for her (apparently someone they know has shown interest) so it's unfortunate that I'm getting attached. C'est la vie.

Penny came from a very neglectful situation, and even though they've her for about a year (probably, I'd have to look it up) she still "needs more groceries." She is also out of shape, and the muscles in her hind end really need to be built up. I am, well, probably at least 100 lbs heavier than K, her regular rider, so I'm helping build those muscles up! She's got the oddest trot (something wrong with her stifles, apparently, I think it's a conformation thing). It's actually more comfortable to sit her trot than to post. She sways side to side kind of like that goose in the Aristocats.

Last Saturday, Penny was in a bit of a snit. Actually, she started off really well, she let me pick her feet and put her bridle on with no issues. (She is over 16 hands, and I am short, so if she pulls her head up I just literally can't reach, haha. But she was a good girl.) Out in the ring, though, we had some problems. Penny was green for 15 years, so it's understandable that she doesn't like being asked to work, but obviously, throwing hissy fits is not acceptable. I actually had a great ride, though! She was pulling out all of the stops (shy of rearing or doing a serious buck, which she never does -- she's not mean, just whiny), ignoring queues, kicking up her heals, going backward instead of forwards -- they she knows what they mean and how to do them, but she just didn't want to. We had a bit of an audience, and multiple people said I handled her really well! It was very affirming.

To bookend this post with non-horse things, I also got kittens! (This was about a week before I got laid off. Oops.) They are very cute. I will post some pictures of them and also of Penny shortly; the pictures are on my phone and I am too lazy to transfer them to my computer right now, so I'll do it from my phone later.

Hope everyone is well!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Took my first ever bad fall last week! I am okay, though!

I have fallen off of horses before, but they were all the kind where you just stand up and brush yourself off afterward. I've been winded, and I've been sore, but no actual injury.

So the thing about Stryder is, he is a very big boy with very big movements. Riding him at the trot is a bit like riding a pogo stick; posting isn't any trouble because you literally get thrown into the air whether you want to or not. It's controlling that movement that's the hard part, and the scary part! It took me the better part of a year (granted, not working with him every week, it would've been faster if I was working exclusively with him) to get comfortable with it. I worked hard and we're all very pleased with how far I've come. So we recently started doing a little bit of cantering. Not for very long, just get him to canter, see what it feels like for a few beats, then back to the trot.

The horse that I have the most experience cantering with is Lucy, whose canter is very easy to sit. Stryder is not like that at all. We went around in one direction okay, but trying the other direction, my balance was off right from the start. I got panicky and tried to adjust my balance, and Stryder, well, he tried to help. He's a sweet boy, he could tell I was upset and wasn't balanced right, but unfortunately he's never taken a physics class, so he doesn't know about Newtons laws of motion. He stopped in his tracks and I went over his shoulder. Curse you, inertia!

(I've read that some horses will do that on purpose to get you off of them, but that wasn't this. He's such a sweetheart, and very well trained. 'Twas an accident, is all.)

I landed hard on my tailbone. I'm very lucky! Didn't hit my head, didn't damage my spine, didn't break any bones, none of that. What I have is a sprained hip flexor and a bruise the size of a dinner plate. Most impressive bruise I've ever seen in person, for reals.

It hurts very much, but I'm already so much better than I was a week ago. I can actually use the hip flexor a little bit, whereas I had no range of motion before. It doesn't hurt at all so long as I don't try to lift my knee. The bruise is still massive and painful, and it's hard to sleep at night because of it, so I've been feeling kind of lousy since then. But, I'm off of the crutches! It all just needs time.

I am going to the barn tomorrow, not to ride (I literally can't lift my leg high enough to mount, and I don't want to think about how bad the saddle will feel on the bruise) but to help out with chores, just so that I can get in some horsey time. I can't do heavy lifting yet (trying to explain to my little nephew why I can't pick him up is not fun) but I can bring horses in and groom them and such.

I really want to ride Stryder again so that I can nip any anxiety in the bud. I wasn't able to "get back on the horse" that day, but same idea. It's a shame that I can't do that yet, but it'll come!

Edits for clarity.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

A'ight, multiple posts incoming, seems like a better idea than one massive one.

I am basically all healed from last post's fall, and am back to my regular riding schedule. I was concerned that I would be nervous about riding Stryder again, but I wasn't. We didn't have a particularly _good _ride the first time I rode him after, but that was because the bugs were _awful_. He was very distracte d and I had a difficult time keeping his focus on me. He even spooked once, carried me out of the ring (no fence) and up a little hill, but I sat it just fine.

...Hilariously, I fell off again a few days after that, off of Bee this time. I should have been able to sit it, but it was very hot, very humid, and I was tired and dehydrated, so going over a crossrail I just kinda... melted off of his back. No injuries at all with that one, not even a bruise -- Bee actually has experience with keeping people from falling off of his back (he was a dude ranch horse in a former life) and he was Very Offended that I fell, because he did his job properly, gosh dang it. Him doing his job properly meant that I landed soft as a feather, even though I couldn't hold up my end of the bargain.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

The past few Fridays, they've been having "Friday Fun Nights," basically little clinics. The first one was on dressage. I took part, and found it very interesting, but interesting in a "I enjoy learning about things" way rather than an "I am interested in this as a hobby" way. Which is good, because I would be very bad at it, because my learning disability means that dividing up geometric space in my head is extremely difficult for me. My proprioception is very poor, so precision is hard. I worked really, really hard to do well in the clinic, though, and I'm pleased with how I did, as was my instructor. I was on Lucy, who could do a course that easy in her sleep, so that probably helped.

The second was a jumper's clinic. I didn't participate because my jumping isn't good enough, but I watched it. I learned a lot from this one, too! Including how to reset a jump, because I just got up to do it when everyone else was focused on the other end of the ring, so I had to figure it out myself. (Mostly myself. K had to tell me to make the standards further apart so that the pole would fit hahahahaha.) But the brackets that held the pole had been knocked out of the standards along with the pole, so I figured out how to replace them at the right level myself!

Last Friday was a trail course. Basically an obstacle course. It was a lot of fun! Bee and I were teamed up for that one, which is an interesting choice because "trusting" is not the relationship I'd say we have. We're the friends who show they love each other by bickering constantly, that's Bee and me.

The course was as follows:

1. Cross the "bridge" (a wooden platform).
2. Go through a set of jump standards with pool noodles strung between them.
3. Go through an aisle lined with spectators (teddy bears).
4. Walk into and then back out of two parallel poles lying on the ground.
5. Go through a course made by some boards set up in a zigzag pattern.
6. Trot over some poles.
7. Weave through some barrels.
8. Grab a (frankly terrifying) stuffed animal off of the last barrel and trot/canter back to the first barrel and back, carrying the plushie, then put it back where you got it.
9. "Stir the bucket" - a long pole with one end in a bucket, propped up on a jump standard. You hold the end with one hand and go in a circle, trying to keep the pole inside the bucket.
10. Go through the garden (green cloth with fake flours on either side), open the gate (unhook rope from one jump standard and throw it out of the way), and pass through the graveyard (~spooky~ Halloween decorations, but the actual trick to it was you go under an arch to leave, which you (and your horse, depending on the horse's height) have to duck under.
11. Go through the Amazon wreckage (bunch of Amazon boxes scattered on the ground).
12. Stop by the teddy bear picnic and say hello to them!

For the hard things, we got to practice first, and then we put it all together.

Bee flatly refused to step onto the bridge, not no way, not no how. Not even after we were done when K tried it, and not even when I tried to do it just by leading him by hand. I do not blame him, I can see how that would be Very Scary for a horse.

In practice and during the actual run, he didn't like going through the pool noodles, but did it anyway like a champ.

We had difficulty with the going backward and the zigzag, which is entirely on me, because I am bad at precision. Did better at the backwards during practice and better at the zigzag during the real run. Shrug emoji.

The trotting part wasn't up for practice, but it was no problem, even though I wasn't entirely certain the best way to carry a large round stuffed animal while on horseback.

Stirring the bucket was interesting. During the practice run, Bee was freaked out by the pole. I took my time, let him sniff it a lot, and said nice things to him. During the run, though, it was the best thing we did! He didn't mind it at all, and we were the first one to actually keep the pole inside the bucket for the whole circle!

For the garden, after a lot of coaxing, Bee went through it during practice, but he refused to during the actual run. I'm pleased that he was willing to do it at all, though! It's not like we were playing for points or anything. Doing it during practice counts, to me!

We had no more issues until we got to the Amazon wreckage, which is very funny to me. Bee was _highly dubious_ of those boxes. They were Not Trustworthy. Was I absolutely sure this was a good idea? Like, _really_ certain? Seriously, he Did Not Like those boxes and I have photographic evidence to prove it:









(but we survived it! and with some coaxing, we made it through!)










Overall, I was pleased with how we did and with how brave Bee was. No one asks dude ranch horses to walk through pool noodles or stir buckets, and that's how he spent most of his life. Some people had more success (mostly the people who owned their own horses and therefore had deeper bonds with them -- there was this one little mare, gorgeous palomino, she was very nervous but she did every single thing because she trusts her owner, we were all very proud of them both). Some people did worse. I'd say we were near the top of the middle, which is just fine when neither of us had done anything like this before!


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

But okay, now we're going to talk about Penny!

It'd been a few months since I rode her, since before I fell from Stryder, and I brought it up last Saturday, whereupon I was told that not only could I ride her that day, but also that she needs to be getting more exercise (she's not a lesson horse and probably won't ever be at this point) and if I want, I can ride her anytime I like for free up to four times a week. I was not expecting this and am very pleased. Obviously it means I get free horse time, but it also means that they trust me enough to take care of her and also to be safe with one of their more difficult horses. More horse time for me, exercise for Penny, and a helping hand for them. Everybody wins!

Have I mentioned that I am 5'3" and Penny is 16.2hh? I literally have to reach above my head to groom her back, it's hilarious.

Penny, for anyone who doesn't recall, was green until she was fifteen years old and was a neglect case. She is only trained at the walk and trot (which is fine because I'm still working on being comfortable with the canter to begin with) and her history/anxiety make her buddy sour. Basically, she couldn't trust humans most of her life, so if she doesn't have a horse (literally any horse, it doesn't have to be one of her buddies) in sight, she gets anxious. She's now comfortable being handled, but she doesn't trust humans to watch her back.

(Bee thinks she's the best thing in the whole wide world, and she likes him a lot, too.)

I've ridden her twice since then, and both times actually went pretty well? Yesterday, one of her buddies was in the ring with us, and she tried to chase after him, but she listened when I told her to stop. We did a bunch of things to get her focused on me instead of her buddy -- transitioning from walk to trot to halt, circles, etc. and after the first ten minutes she was golden. A big thing with her in the past has been that she stalls when trotting, and yesterday she clearly thought about it a couple of times but kept going until I said to stop! Very pleased with her.

Last week, though! Last week was the day after the obstacle course, and most of the obstacles were still set up. I wasn't planning on going through any of them with her, because I expected her to be weirded out by them (she is the most inexperienced horse at the barn, even though she's sixteen now) but she was just so chill??? So we ended up trying most of them out, and I was so pleased by how she did!

Penny:
- Also refused to step on the wooden platform. I didn't really expect her to, I doubt she's even seen one before.
- Was confused by the pool noodles but also handled them like a champ. After a few times few she didn't even hesitate anymore.
- I didn't try stirring the bucket because she's definitely never seen anything like it and I didn't want to freak her out for no reason.
- She refused to step into the garden, which was fine, I only asked a couple of times just to see how she would respond.
- She did not even blink at the Amazon wreckage, like seriously they were no problem at all for her, I was so proud!

No photographs of pretty Penny doing the course, since it wasn't during the actual event. I meant to take some pics of her yesterday, but my phone battery died.

I want to come up with some kind of routine for her -- I'm not very good with unstructured time, so far we've just tootled around a little. I'll probably make a separate post for advice about that.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY NEPHEW, HE HAD HIS FIRST EVER PONY RIDE, IT WAS SO CUTE.

My nephew "J" knows that I ride. "Who did you ride today?" is something he asks me sometimes instead of "how was your day?" (Sadly, I sometimes have to tell him that I didn't ride any horses that day. Alas.) He is determined that he's going to ride Penny, and he named his rocking horse after her, which is adorable. (Reminder, Penny is over 16hh.)

His mom "N" is scared of horses. Not like a phobia, just a very strong wariness that they are big and she doesn't know anything about them. But, one way or another, horses are going to be in J's life, either because he grows up a rider himself or just because they live with me. The plan is still to have horses on the property someday! Someday, when I have more money. When the school year got out (she's a teacher) she started taking lessons. Partly, she doesn't want to pass on her fear to him, and partly, if there's going to be horses in our lives, she wants to know how to be safe around them.

She was supposed to have a lesson Monday, but there were thunderstorms, so they rescheduled to Tuesday, which is the same day I have one of my lessons. Only, over the summer, J doesn't have daycare on Tuesdays. Solution as suggested by my instructor: We all come together, I babysit while N takes her lesson, and J gets a pony ride while I take my lesson!

J is two-and-a-half. The pony, Pocket, is a shetland mix (who is friends with the Clydesdale mix, the first time I saw them nuzzle I just about died). The only thing cuter than J and Pocket separately is the combined cuteness of J and Pocket together. For added size shenanigans, I was on Stryder at the time.

J had a great time. He very intently groomed Pocket, loved ordering him to "walk!" though got shy when the command switched to "trot," but had a big smile on his face when they finished doing their little trot. Minor temper tantrum when N pulled him off of Pocket's back because he wanted to get down by himself, but cheered right back up when he got to lead Pocket back to the barn "by himself" (meaning he was holding the lead rope but under very heavy supervision, with K holding Pocket's halter, obviously).

From left to right, K, Pocket, J, and N.














Edit to fix picture, it broke somehow.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Today when I got to the paddock, Bee walked right over to say hello. I wasn't even waving treats around or calling for him, just leaning on the gate. It was sweet. I think the obstacle coarse/trust excerised were good for our relationship. More evidence for that forthcoming, it's 1:10am and I was feeling sentimental but I must sleep now.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I had the opportunity to ride with a different trainer the other day (mine is on vacation, I was exercising Penny and the person house/barn sitting was checking the soundness of a pony that had gotten stuck in the fence earlier -- the pony is fine) and she said my equitation is pretty good for hunter/jumper, but since I am not interested in a particular sport, I should work on leaning further back. I gave it a try and it will take getting used to but it might be a good adjustment to make, since my current problem is pitching forward when I'm panicking. (For posterity, more details on that here.)

She also helped me with something with Penny that I've been having difficulty with. Penny is sixteen but not fully broke, and so she sometimes does things that I'm not used to because they feel intuitive to _her_, but that the other horses I'm ride have been trained not to do. One thing that keeps happening is that I signal to halt, which she does, and then I lean forward to pat her neck and tell her she's a good girl, and she starts walking again. I thought she was ignoring me, but the sitter said that because of how it affects my balance, Penny is interpreting leaning forward as me wanting to move. So, something to work on still, but now I know she's trying, rather than just being difficult, so it will be much less frustrating!

I tried to take a pic to post here but she moved it kept coming out blurry. Will try again tomorrow.

Does anyone have some rain they don't want? We could sure use some.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Promised pics. You can probably tell from the photos that her muscles need a lot of work, especially in her back end (which, granted, this is not the best shot of) hence me exercising her. I think her weight is fine, she's just not in shape. I still think she's a pretty girl, though.



















It was soooo hot today, and humid too, so we didn't do much. A little bit of trotting, but not too much. With the heat, neither of us wanted to be out there for long. No, what I did today was teach Penny about circles. When you start a circle, she thinks you want her to turn around and gets confused. I think we had some success. She went from a very lopsided shape where she was fighting me about going back to the rail, to a circle-ish shape back to the rail correctly. I made up a little exercise. Do a circle (my spatial skills are bad, but let's say 15ft diameter?) at the walk, then trot to the end of the ring, then walk back around and do it again. We did it three times and she seemed to be getting it.

And then I rinsed her off and gave her yummy carrots, and went home to air conditioning. Ahhh... The one flaw of the barn, right? No a/c!



edit: typos


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

I had _such _a nice ride on Lucy yesterday. Lucy is both: an experienced lesson horse who knows how to read her rider and take care of them, and also an experienced hunter jumper who loves to go fast and to jump big. We were practicing cantering and she did get excited, but it was okay. I realized that my disability understanding geometric space made it difficult for me to do a circle at the canter because I literally didn't know what it looks like; hard to explain, but I would get to a place I'm used to trotting circles at and my brain would look at it and Error 404 at me, I just could see what I needed to do. At A's suggestion I started circling around jumps; it gave something concrete to help me understand the space I was in and helped immensely.

Then, at my request, we did some jumping practice, and I could tell that Lucy wanted to go go go! But she could tell I was anxious. (I had a literal death grip on her mane lol.) So instead of jumping, landing at the canter, and racing to the next jump (which I knew was a possibility and was trying to be ready for), she kept to a trot and just did little hops over the crossrails. She took such good care of me! All I had to do was focus on heels down and eyes up.

Oh, and it was raining, and I just, I love riding in the rain.

Rode Penny after, not terribly long because I had a time limit (was my turn to cook dinner) but I got her puffing, so not a waste. I also got her to pick up all four of her feet (lack of handling at a young age + some conformation problems means she struggles with this, partly because she doesn't see why she should have to and partly because I think it just feels really, really weird on her back legs). I might be bribing her with little peppermint cookies when she does it correctly.  I think soon we'll move to just cookies for the back legs, since those are the hard ones, with lots of pats and "good girls" for the front legs instead.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Had another great ride on Lucy yesterday. I'm getting more confident at the canter! We cantered a full loop of the big arena before I got nervous! And then we cantered in the other direction until A said "and bring her down to the walk," which is the first time that's happened because I always get too wound up and slow down early. Very proud of that. I even sat a trip at the canter and didn't freak out about it!

Bad day today. Depression and poor sleep habits made it impossible to get out of bed in time to go to the barn early like I usually do on Saturdays. I got up an hour ago because my cats reminded me I had to feed them, and I've only eaten a chocolate bar so far myself. It's noon and I'm still in my pjs.

Okay, I typed that out, I can fix some of it. Going to go get dressed now. Then breakfast/lunch. I'm out of milk, so idk, maybe a sandwich. Probably a fluffernutter. Still not the healthiest choice, but some protein would be good for me.

I hereby promise that I will go to the store today and buy milk, because oatmeal is a healthier choice than fluffernutters, but I detest it without milk.

Also I set my daily alarm for earlier. I don't want to miss more barn time. If that means needing a nap during the day, fine, as long as I can get up when needed.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Sunday, I had the barn to myself. They're closed for business on Sundays so they can do family things (I believe they went to the lake) but boarders and people they trust are welcome if they have a reason even when they're not there. It feels nice that I'm included in the latter group.

Had a decent ride with Penny. She's been testing my authority lately. She really doesn't want to work, and it's not like I blame her, exercising is hard. I wish I could find something to make it fun for her.

I'm constantly surprised by what this girl is and isn't bothered by. She can be very anxious, but she's practically un-spookable. (knocks on wood) There's this rabbit that hangs out in the back of the big ring; Stryder is terrified of it and it can startle Bee. (Lucy will pretend to be startled with an experienced rider, just to be a brat. She's very good at understanding what her rider can handle, and will be very gentle when she needs to take care of you but extremely sassy when she thinks you can handle it.) Penny, though. Penny was not phased by this bunny. Even once it moved and I knew she'd seen it, she didn't even twitch. I eventually had us chase it out of the ring, so it hopefully wouldn't startle the next horse (a boarder showed up as we were wrapping up).

More pics of Princess Penny, who did not particularly feel like looking at the camera today:


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Had an... interesting... lesson yesterday.

I've been having bad nerves at the canter. Part of it is that when I got hurt falling off of Stryder, it was at the canter. Part of it is that I never cantered as a kid (at least not on purpose lol) and so I'm learning a completely different set of motions (as opposed to the walk and trot where I've just been refining what I already knew. Part of it is that I am just a more anxious person in general than I was when I was younger. Part of it is chronic tightness which is a problem with just about every physical activity.

I am almost comfortable at Lucy's canter. Not quite, but almost. I'm doing more things at the canter than just holding on for dear life around the ring, doing various exercises, circles, even jumping (over little baby crossrails, but still). She has a very smooth canter, you barely move at all. I just need to remind myself to relax my hips and it all goes smoothly.

Bee has a very big canter. Not as big as Stryder's trot, though relative to his size, it's bigger than Stryder's canter. And his first step, when he pushes off with his back leg, is even bigger than his gait once he's gotten going. You literally feel like he's going to run out from underneath you. I know once I get used to it, I won't feel that way anymore. (It took me a long time to not be intimidated by Stryder's trot, but I'm there now. This is the next step to work through.)

But, he's been having some difficulty himself, with people freaking out at his canter and hauling on his mouth. We'd had a breakthrough in communication before I got hurt, where he would pick up the canter at my first or second ask (and getting Bee to do something on the first or second ask is not always an easy thing, he is usually a more woah than go horse) but it's been so long that we're back to stage one, or possibly even worse, because we're both more anxious abut it.

Yesterday was the first time cantering on Bee in a few months. He really didn't want to, and did quite a lot of "okay I know what you're asking, what if I just trot really, _really_ fast instead?" which is not the most comfortable thing. I got him to canter in both directions, but it involved repeatedly asking, then making it clear that a fast trot was not acceptable, then asking again, and I wanted to give up halfway through because we were both anxious, and the only reason I didn't was because this was a battle I had to win. I couldn't let him get away with that behavior. And then he finally comes in with that huge step, and I didn't haul onto his mouth because I had hands fisted in his mane and all my attention was on keeping him toward the rail and away from the jumps (because as much as he's woah rather than go, he really likes jumping) but there's that big swoop when he goes, and by the end I was shaking and trying not to be sick.

And I really do think that that was important, it was necessary for me not to give up, it was good to enforce what I was asking for and not let him get away with that behavior, and it was a mental block that we had to work through, but it was not pleasant for me. My instructor would have let me stop if I had asked, but that would have been bad for Bee in the long run. And probably also bad for me, in the long run. But I had a stomach ache for the rest of the night.

It's okay. We'll get passed it. I'm just not passed it yet, and I wish I was.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

I think what you did was the right thing, but I do want to explain something to you.

That was a really hard thing to ask someone uncomfortable with loping to do. I am very comfortable loping, but I’ve fought with horses who did the same thing as Bee many times for other people. It is very awkward and uncomfortable. They throw even someone like me (not meaning to sound arrogant, although I realize it could be taken that way I can’t figure out how else to word it) off balance.

They throw you off balance because of that extended trot and scotch type combo they get going on, you are stuck pushing for them to break and your body isn’t quite riding the motion because you are pushing and it’s not the motion you are asking for.

What you did was good, and I can only imagine how difficult it was for someone uncomfortable in a lope to begin with. The sick stomach sounds like a natural reaction for the combination of what went on for you. Don’t be hard on yourself at all, but be proud of yourself.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thank you. It really did need to be me -- he doesn't do this with K because he knows she won't let him get away with it, and he was testing me, specifically, to see if I would. Hopefully next time he remembers that and we don't have to do it over again.

It is good to hear that this is a thing that some horses just do, and that it would be difficult even for someone more experienced.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Okay, the stressful lesson with Bee was 100% worth it. She gave me a break from the canter for a couple lessons, working on getting used to Stryder's trot again (it's a very big trot) and this was my first lesson back on Bee again. Absolutely beautiful canter. Stepped off my leg with no problems at all. _I'm _still not great at the canter, but that's just time and practice to get used to it. (I would have stopped after just a couple beats but ahaha my reins were too long to tell him to stop, and in the time it took me to hitch them back up I'd calmed down a little.) Great ride on Bee followed by a great ride on Penny. I'm in a good mood.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Yesterday, I spent most of my ride with Penny teaching her that she would not, in fact, die if she stepped into a puddle. We only walked through them, because I have no sense of what makes safe footing for trotting. She started off very wary but seemed to get used to it. Half the ring was a puddle and half was dry, so we walked through the puddle and then trotted down the dry side. It was good.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

You know what's funny? (I was going to say "you know what's dumb," but I'm trying to be better at positive self talk.) I am still painfully unemployed, and even once I get a job I'm going to need time to build up savings before I can think about buying a horse. But despite this, the thing my brain can't stop chewing over is whether I should buy Penny or not.

I am 99% certain they would sell her to me, probably for a good price because she's got physical and mental issues. I know how to handle her mental issues -- I've had multiple people, including A, K, and strangers, remark that she is calmer with me than with anyone else. A says that Penny had "accepted me into her herd." I am emotionally attached.

I just don't know if I can handle her physical issues. Or if her physical issues align with the things that I want from a horse. To be more specific, both of Penny's stifles are wonky. They jut out and make her hind legs bow. (I don't have any good pictures showing this.) She is not capable of jumping, and she might be hurt if she was ridden at the canter.

And you know what? I'm okay with that. I am still learning how to have fun jumping and cantering, even though I know I'll get there someday. I can have a horse who can't do those things and keep taking lessons to practice those things so that I'm ready for my next horse.

But I'm also interested in competitive trail riding. Not super long distances, at least I don't think so, but an all day thing. And I'm ALSO interested in doing obstacle courses like I did in that clinic a few months back with Bee. You know, with the pool noodles and crossing wooden platforms and such.

I know for a fact that there are parts of those obstacle courses (trail challenges? It's hard to find a name for them that doesn't lead you to competitive trail riding instead. Suggestions for Google search terms are welcome) that Penny would excel at. She didn't even blink at the pool noodles, or the boxes strewn on the ground, or me bending down over her neck so we could duck under an arch. Some things we would need to practice (crossing the wooden "bridge," for example) but Penny trusts me a lot more now than she did a few months ago, and I'm ready to put in the work.

But sometimes those events involve things I don't think she can do, because she can't lift her back legs easily. (I finally am able to pick all four of her feet and am very proud of this, but it is not easy for her.) Sometimes there are jumps. I watched a thing on YouTube where the horse had to step through tires like in boot camp; another with a similar sort of thing made of crossed poles in a sort of hatch pattern for the horse to pick through. And I don't know if she can do that, or if it would be good for her if she tried or just putting her through needless discomfort.

I also don't know if she will remain sound on a long distance trail ride. Would she even pass the vet exam to get into the competition, or would they take one look at her legs and disqualify her? I know that the road to endurance riding is a long one that requires a lot of work getting both horse and rider in shape. She is sound now, despite it all, but that could change if I'm asking so much more of her.

If I magically get a job that will allow me to afford two horses, that solves the problem. But I am increasingly doubtful that that will happen anytime soon. Might not be until after the mortgage is paid off, which will be about ten years.

I know that the actual answer is to talk with a vet about her physical limitations, and to shop with my head rather than my heart, and that's what I'll do, even if it makes my heart hurt. Penny's had such a rough life, and it makes me really happy to be able to help her. But if she can't do the things I want to do, I shouldn't buy her.

(But also, like, are there things that I can do for her as her owner that A wouldn't do because she's running a business? Penny gets excellent food, vet, and farrier care, but she's not their top priority because all she's doing is eating their money, since they can't use her for a lesson horse as they first wanted. Could a chiropractor help loosen up her joints? Could a minor surgery put the stifles back the way they should be, and would that be a quality of life thing that would be worth the stress and dangers of said hypothetical surgery? Anything's possible.)

Anyway, I know this is super premature. Even if I got the perfect job tomorrow, it'll still be months away at least from making this decision. But it's what my brain keeps chewing over, so I thought I'd write it down.

I'll try to remember to post pics of Penny's wonky stifles.

I also apologize for any typos in this post; it's 2am and I'm just rambling on my phone into the Internet. Hello, Internet! I sleep now. (Edit: I have corrected the typos.)


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## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

It's your journal and the perfect place to ramble over your ideas. I am glad to read them. Also glad I don't have to make a decision like that because it is a hard one.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Thanks. I fixed the typos. I stand by everything that Sleepy Me said except for the typos.

Today I am here simply to complain that UGHHHHHH my cat puked on my half chaps. Well, I've been meaning to clean them and my boots for ages now. So I guess I'll just... go... do that...

Pic of offending culprit attached.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Things had been going so well with Bee that I was not expecting him to try trot really fast rather than canter yesterday. He seemed very tired when we started, and he'd been testing me the whole lesson, doing things like veering off into the center to try to get out of work. I won all the battles! I knew how to handle everything he tried. I probably should have expected that he'd protest the canter. We did about three laps of the whole rigmarole, I ask, he goes fast, I slow him down, rinse, repeat. Then, I lost my temper. My irritation overcame my anxiety; I yelled at him and flicked him with the crop. And lo, verily, the horse did canter.  It's the first time I've ever asked with the crop because I've always been too anxious before. Fast is scary! Things can be so much easier when you're annoyed rather than scared!

We ended by doing a couple crossrails. I think I've mentioned that Bee likes to jump. Going up to the first crossrail, he started his very fast trot again, and there's just something unsettling about that fast trot. I think I'd have preferred if he cantered instead. Anxiety got the better of me and we swerved before jumping. But, the next two times, he kept it to good trot (maybe he thought I wouldn't let him jump if he was misbehaving? Or he was taking pity on me. One of the two) and everything was good.

My ride with Penny was very productive. We spent a lot of time working on "no, you must listen to me, *I'm* in charge." I did not let her put her pull her feet away when she thought I should be done picking them out. (I've let her get away with this in the past because just getting to pick up her feet was a challenge. Time to step it up!) We walked through puddles again, even though she really didn't want to. I started making her trot every time she swerved away from the puddle and she stopped fighting me. We also did a lot of walk-halt transitions. She needs to stop precisely when I say, not amble to a stop when it suits her; she needs to stay stopped until I tell her to go again. I think I was making this harder than it needed to be; I realized a few lessons ago that I've been tensing up to brace for downwards transitions, which makes my legs squeeze, which obviously sends mixed messages to the horse. (The way my body carries tension is one of my biggest riding obstacles. It's almost like I need to stretch more or something...) We did make progress, but next time, I will work harder to not get in her way.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Short post today. I'm real tired all of a sudden.

Bee only tried to trot too fast instead of canter for one lap of the ring this time. I am lucky that he is a good boy (he's a brat, but also a good boy) because I have no control when the canter happens. I put all my energy into asking for the canter and then when it actually happens my brain turns off. It will get better as I have more practice.

Penny seems sore lately. Not lame at all, just stiff and achey; I know the feeling! She's only been ridden once a week for a couple weeks now; first I was on vacation and then I was sick. That's probably why, I think, or at least a contributing factor. I usually don't ride her two days in a row because I don't want to push too hard, but A says that a gentle ride tomorrow would be good for her, help her stretch out, and I never say no to horse time.


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## Danneq (Sep 18, 2020)

Excuse me, waiter? I'm so sorry, but I did not order this weather. Please bring it back.

It was unseasonably warm and horrifically humid yesterday. Not at all my crisp autumn days. And, we spent almost the whole lesson in two-point, which I'm still not very good at yet By the end of my rides, I felt physically awful. All hail the power of electrolytes.

Mentally, thoigh, I was doing great!

I have been cantering for, what, a year now? And this whole time, it has been a fight against my body (and my nerves). My body, as I think I've said before, is chronically tight, and entering the canter made me seize up at the hips. You know, pretty much the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do. So I've spent a year, roughly, holding on for dear life, then holding on just for balance, then able to not hold on, but all of it while stiff as a board. Getting slowly better, but not to noticeable degrees. And mind you, this is all on Lucy. Bee, I'm still in the "holding on for dear life" category (though just recently I've noticed I'm allllmost to the place where I just need his mane for the first few big steps, and after that it's a magic feather). Lucy, unlike Bee, Penny, and Stryder, has basically no motion in her gaits. You can sit her walk comfortably without following with your hips (not that you should, just that you could) and her canter doesn't throw you around. And she's a sensitive but experienced lesson horse; she can read her rider very well, and she knows what her job is and is good at it.

All this to say, during my lesson yesterday, A finally told me to move with Lucy's movement, move hips back and forth, the way I've read you're supposed to do but haven't attempted. And I did, and it was okay! I asked her about it after, and she said that in order to move properly, you have to be relaxed enough that you're in contact with the saddle, or you can't feel the motion properly. This is the first time I've been relaxed enough. Hooray for me!

(I've been reading <I>Centered Riding</I> by Sally Swift, which I think helped, though let's not discount the year of practice, either.)

We also did some jumping. It was going the way it usually does, which is to say, fine, but not knocking it out of the park, when in the lead up to a jump, A shouted "sing 'Jingle Bells' in your head!'

My thoughts processes were as follows:

Oh, yeah, like in that book I was reading where a trainer said he had a student sing "just keep swimming" from <I>Finding Nemo</i> when she was nervous.
It's a good idea!
Should I use just keep swimming? Just keep riding?
Some other song?
No, f, we're going with 'Jingle Bells'

Human brains are fascinating, because I had time for all that in just three beats of the canter.

So the jump's coming up, and in my head I get up to "jingle all the way" and then the jump was over and my instructor was cheering. Apparently, my posture was better (not good yet, but better), I didn't freak out, and I was even breathing through the jump! (...I never intend to hold my breath, in fact there's times I'm not even aware of it, but it happens regardless.)

So. I guess I'm going to be having some fun in a one-horse open sleigh while jumping for the foreseeable future.

My ride with Penny was fairly light, not because she needed it but because I did. We mostly worked on "whoa." She is finally stopping when I say to, but she either doesn't quite understand or just ignores that she's supposed stay stopped until I say to, too. We made some progress, though I felt bad because I really hate hauling on her mouth. (I didn't yank, she was just trying to out-stubborn me, which is almost always a losing endeavor for anyone.) I was using every trick in my admittedly limited repertoir, but it still involved a lot of rein work. We will work on trotting past the gate next time, to give her mouth a break. I might should probably have checked her mouth after, but it didn't occur to me.

Almost time for Halloween at the barn! I was invited to help costume the horses this year. The logistics might be difficult, but I hope I can! I'm looking forward to it either way.

Today was dreadful because I had zero horses, a job interview (which I think went well, but was so stressful) and a meeting with a new doctor. Wish me whatever your version of luck (prayers, vibes, etc) is? I really need this job.

Hope y'all are doing well!


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