# Did I over react?



## PurpleMonkeyWrench (Jun 12, 2012)

Did you talk to him about this the next day when he was sober? Or did you confront him that night while intoxicated?


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

PurpleMonkeyWrench said:


> Did you talk to him about this the next day when he was sober? Or did you confront him that night while intoxicated?


It just happened a couple of hours ago and he's still partying with his Bro


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## PurpleMonkeyWrench (Jun 12, 2012)

AbsitVita said:


> It just happened a couple of hours ago and he's still partying with his Bro


Talk to him about it when he is sober and see what he says. Tell him how it makes you feel and ask him to be more careful of how he treats you when he is drinking or with his friends.


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## Spotted (Sep 19, 2012)

I don't care if he was drinking or not or if his buddy was around. You should be #1 always and never treated that way especially by your spouse. 


you know already what you should do.
He's lucky I wasn't there..LOL


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, I think you should be thankful that this happened. Now you know. If it were me, I would not walk...I would _run_ in the opposite direction.


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## royalhkay (Sep 13, 2012)

I know you are still heated about it now but the best advice I can give you is take a unisom go to bed and talk to him about it in the morning when he is sober and the emotions have calmed.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP no one can make you feel anything. Only you have control over your emotions. The burden of who is jealous or upset is yours.
His behaviour is unacceptable and needs to be addressed it also reeks of emotional abuse.
Your pattern of picking men with baggae may be repeating itself.
If two people desire change in a relationship it takes two people to make that change happen.
How much alcohol were you drinking? this might have impaired your judgement and added to the problem. Alcohol is a mind altering chemical. If both of you were drinking signals may have been mixed. I do not know I wasn't there..
The questions you need to ask yourself is will this occur again and if so can you handle it. What can you do to prevent an occurence. Shalom


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## Inga (Sep 11, 2012)

Personally, if anyone said "Bro's before Hoe's" to me, he would be gone. No question, no excuse, just done. You are not a Ho, you are someone he chose to be in a committed relationship with. If he is your fiancé, then he has chosen to spend the rest of his life with you. NOTHING other then God should come before you, in his mind. 

If he is disrespecting you now, what will it be like after you are actually married? This might be a good warning to you and something you really need to determine if you can live with.


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

Dbarabians, I RARELY drink and last night I was sticking to Mt Dew, both my biological donors were alcoholics and I don't want to venture down that path after my childhood from hell...


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## Jacksmama (Jan 27, 2010)

I have learned the hard way, no "discussion" ever ends well when alcohol is involved,...EVER. You have the right to be upset, I think often guys try to be big shots in front of their buddies, just like little boys. I would calmly tell him how you felt, and that you don't appreciate it. You two have to be able to have discussions like this!


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## Jake and Dai (Aug 15, 2008)

Personally? Alcohol or not, I don't think you overreacted. At all. I would never want to be with someone who tried to make me feel insignificant and stupid. I agree with db, only you can control your feelings. But in this case, he tried. And I personally would not stand for that and I would walk away.

I don't mean to be harsh and I am sorry this is happening. This must be so awful for you! **hugs**


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## Adam (Feb 6, 2012)

Horse Forum is behaving strangely for me today, so I'm not sure this will post....

Did you over react? Nah, I think you under reacted; I would of popped him in the back of the head with something on my way out of the room...

Seriously tho, if this has never happened before, and sober he's a decant guy, I'd talk to him about it after the hangover has subsided. Set ground rules. You are NOT a 'ho', your are his significant other! He should treat you as such 24/7, 365. 
If he does it again, then you have a decision to make....... but lets hope it don't!


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

Dan has his moments, but he's never been as outright rude as he was to me last night. The fact that he knew that's how I was treated in my past relationships makes it all the more hurtful...perhaps it was liquid courage encouraging him to test the waters on his "Manliness" in view of his friend, perhaps it was his way of saying I want it to be guys only...without coming out with it straight. At any rate, he knows I'm pi$$ed which is how I show someone they screwed up. When he drags his hungover butt out of bed, I will lay down the law and tell him how it is

Adam: Yea...forum is strange to meet too! This is what it looks like to me -


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## Jake and Dai (Aug 15, 2008)

Adam, your post did post. 

Just jumping in here on the strange behavior. It's been reported to the administrator so please bear with us.  While the screens are all sorts of strange, the site is still functional.


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

Hi Jake

Anyone remember aol 3.0?? :rofl:


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP I am not insinuating that you did drink. I'm happy that you understand the risk doing so might entail for you.
Those question I posted were for you personally to ask yourself. no need to defend yourself to me or anyone else.
With your history of such relationships I would take a step back and take a deep honest look at yourself.
Ask yourself why did you get upset? What you can do to avoid it again? If the relationship you are now in is a healthy one. If not can it be salvaged.
Confronting someone who is drunk is going to end up "ugly" most of the time.
The Bros before Hos comment from a past relatipnship is haunting this one. Only you can overcome that shadow. Good luck.. Shalom


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

dbarabians said:


> OP I am not insinuating that you did drink. I'm happy that you understand the risk doing so might entail for you.
> Those question I posted were for you personally to ask yourself. no need to defend yourself to me or anyone else.
> With your history of such relationships I would take a step back and take a deep honest look at yourself.
> Ask yourself why did you get upset? What you can do to avoid it again? If the relationship you are now in is a healthy one. If not can it be salvaged.
> ...


I know amigo and I wasn't defending myself. I was giving you facts. I did as you suggested, after I initially confronted him by asking him 

"Why are you being so mean to me?"

What hurt more than anything is that he tried to play it off like he had no idea what I was talking about. He knows better because this is how the guy before him treated me and he'd promised me to never treat me that way. Surprise, he has! Upon that reaction from him, I became silent except to say that I was going to bed. And I haven't spoken to him since. I'm not angry with anyone here, don't take my obvious anger/pain personal. I'm grateful, surprised really, that so many people have given their advice/opinion!


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

Y'all don't seem to realize that this guy ISN'T the one who said 'Bros before hos.' The OP stated it was a previous BF who said it, not the present guy. 

Absit, I'm not going to lynch him based on your take on the situation. I don't know if you need to be the center of attention at all times and decided to have a snit because he wanted to hang out with his friend without having to constantly claim his undying affection for you, or if he's just obnoxious when he's drinking.

If he's otherwise a decent, loving, caring human being, then yes, I think you may have overreacted a tad. Both of you are young, am I correct? You'll need to work this out between yourselves, and you need to speak to him without freaking out, pouting, or being too accusatory. I'm sure you have less than perfect attributes, too.


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

Speed, if things go badly, can I use a corner of your freezer? JK

I think he tends to get obnoxious when he's drinking and I think I'm going to suggest detox/rehab if things indicate that it's going to be a problem. Yea, I have my issues...so long as there's mt dew in the fridge and a wifi connection, I do my best to pet the sweaty things rather than sweat the petty things...


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

Of course. It's currently empty, so there's plenty of room. Muaahaahaa!


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## Jake and Dai (Aug 15, 2008)

LOL I do remember AOL...I am THAT old!


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

ooooo so how big is it? Just to know how many cases of dew I should get...to hide something behind them...like my vintage Andre the Giant Can o Whoop A$$ supply!


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

If you are completely sober, there are not many good drunk people to be around. Most people at some point during drinking become obnoxious, stupid or annoying. 

Just have a chat with him this afternoon when he wakes, after you have handed him some Tylenol and a glass of water.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

I don't know. I don't /can't and don't drink much, b/c a small amount will make me very sick. So, I have watched "a few" folks get snockered - and always been sober whilst doing so. It has been my observation that people that get rude when they are drunk tend to do so on a consistant basis - it is never an isolated incidence.


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## ~*~anebel~*~ (Aug 21, 2008)

Personally, I would have kicked the friend, and potentially also the fiance, out of the house with no key and locked the doors. If they want to be drunken idiots, then they can do so elsewhere than my place of residence is my thinking. Tell them to go sleep on someone else's couch, or the lawn, and then maybe the fiance would think twice about being an ***. Or at least if it's just the friend then he would understand that having friends over does not mean he gets to be an *** and then friend can go find somewhere else to stay.

I am a bit of a cow though and don't really like putting up with BS. At the very least I would have done what you did and gone into our room and locked the door. Likely I wouldn't have said anything to him but "have a nice night on the couch with your butt buddy, hun" if I was really ****ed. It's good that you at least claimed part of the house as "yours" - now you just need to stand your ground and give him a good talking to today.
I guess today is the day of talking to  We just have to keep our resolve!!


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## riccil0ve (Mar 28, 2009)

I wouldn't ditch him for this one thing, but I would definitely talk to him about how this behavior will not be tolerated. It doesn't matter if you're being unrealistic or weren't taking the hint at him wanting boy time or whatever, you've obviously been together long enough that he should know you and still want to marry you. If you're crazy, he already knows it and decided he wanted you. If he is unhappy with something, he should be adult enough to talk to you in private and without belittling you. 

I also don't think you are a different person when you've been drinking. The same qualities are there when you're sober, but are often exacerbated on varying degree while intoxicated. As you said, he does have his moments. Part of your conversation should be about how you communicate in general. Don't be argumentative or point fingers, have an honest conversation and figure out how you both can better communicate your grievances.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Heck - he wouldn't be allowed to stay in bed if he were with me! I would have woken him with a coffee at about 7 a.m. and then if he did not rise within 30 minutes (being a Sunday) I would call him sweetly "Dearest, I am not calling you again - we have things to discuss!"
Ten minutes later it would be a saucepan of very cold water.

My mother was a great leader. if she was narked about anything then she would not speak, as in hold a conversation. She would answer a direct question or a single word comment if we said anything. All soon came round to pacifying her (I will say she was usually right!)


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Hope you have been able to talk this over w/him today. Alcohol tends to muddy the waters of a relationship-& young(er) men want the freedom to do as they please until life hammers some sense into them. Really examine your feelings about this & think long & hard if you want to continue the relationship if there isn't a change in his behavior.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

Its never good to make rash decisions based on one incident but you may want to rethink your relationship if this becomes a regular thing as its not going to do your self esteem any good at all
Speak to him and let him know how hurt you felt. Being drunk is no excuse for causing hurt
My ex. husband was exactly like your fiancee. Note the EX bit!!!!


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## FlyGap (Sep 25, 2011)

I'll play devils advocate here a tad...
I'm a terrible drinker after drink #4, so I have a STRICT 2 drink maximum. I get mouthy, rambunctious and have, in the past, said some snarky nasty things to DH. The only reason he's with me is because I'm 1,000% not that person. Alcohol brings out the wild crazy beast in me. Therefore I NEVER drink more than I can handle any longer. I didn't use to be this way but it runs in my family, even my 4'8 grandmother has been know to become a boxing lunatic when she had a few too many! No excuses though.
The best thing to do is when he sobers up see if he apologizes himself. Go on and treat him like he's the guy you know prior and he should realize that you aren't holding a grudge and get down on his knees and ask for forgiveness. If not then I'd wonder and give him heck about it.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Alcohol is a drug, a mind altering chemical that impairs judgement and thinking.
To end a relationship on one incident is crazy and not reasonable.
Discuss your feeling with your patner and discuss how to avoid another incident like this.
If you hold this against him then your judgement is clouded by your past relationships.
If you refuse to discuss the problem it will remain unresolved and most likely emerge again to haunt you. Shalom


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

Thanks to everybody for your advice, I've had a few hours of sleep seeing as how I was up until 10am this morning. Updates on my laptop kept me from logging in sooner (I just LOVE Windows! Grrr). I want everyone to know that I do my best to be a fair person, to give all the benefit of the doubt. However when a red flag, imagined or not, comes up I tend to balk big time. Some of you already have heard that my childhood wasn't all that great. Due to immaturity, I've gone head first into bad relationships because when it comes down to it all I've ever wanted was to love and be loved. Not many people have given the love back, instead they took advantage of my kindness. I have a very soft heart which made me blind to that time after time after time...many people being given more than ample opportunity to change. I'm not at my wit's end with Dan. I am hurt and I retreated in the bedroom to be alone to calm down my emotions before I was able to say anything to him, lest I say things I might regret. The Talk is due and here I go...


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## Jake and Dai (Aug 15, 2008)

Good luck with your talk AbsitVita!


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

We've talked and things are still a bit uncomfortable, but he knows why I was upset and we agreed to continue working through situations like this in the future. He didn't verbally apologize, but actions speak louder than words


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Actions may speak louder than words but words HAVE POWER.
Are you OK without an apology? Or is that the reason things are uncomfortable. thats a warning that someone or both of you have yet to resolve the issue.
Those question are for you toa sk and answer to yourself . good luck. Shalom


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

Was he aware of what he did? 

There have been times when I have said things when I've had a few drinks, that I thought were hilarious at the time - much less so when I sobered up.


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## AbsitVita (Aug 28, 2012)

He said that he didn't mean to be so cocky, rude and mean, he knows that's a quirk he has had all his life. He and I both agreed that we won't give up the ghost on the relationship so to speak....that we're both willing to talk it out and work through things together. I think I took it personally because last night was so weird. I think there were a lot of things in place for the situation to have turned out the way it did. Neither one of us slept well, if at all and we're both sorta emotionally stunned at each other. Usually we hang out just us, but last night a long time acquaintance came over and when the issue came up the fact that he was there made things much worse than what it should've been. I also apologized for running for cover and not willing to take a few minutes aside and make up right then and there.


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

Good news, sounds like it's well on the way to being resolved then.


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## Wheatermay (Aug 22, 2011)

IDk, but it sounded like he was either trying to impress his friend or he has some hidden resentment for some reason. Not saying it's not fixable. But try talking through it more. It helps (let him know this too) that when your talking avoid the word "YOU", bc it always makes a person feel attacked. Talk it out until you feel better. If you dont feel better, your not done talking about it. As long as he works on trying to improve things, that's great. That is what a relationship and marriage is about! You have to learn to fight and not being too proud to admit your feeling are hurt,, or that your wrong. Both need to be able to take blame and APOLOGIZE... you said maybe you overreacted.... say that, BUT THAT doesnt make it your fault. Your feelings where still hurt. He does need to apologize and try to make it up to you. The incident doesnt doom the relationship, his actions after may. Off your situation tho. Making a long lasting and loving and all around great relationship is fighting productively. Both need to talk out why and what they did and be humble enough to apologize. <3 I'm sorry your feeling were hurt. He was being a jerk. It needs to improve and not happen again. And make sure this is a one time incident. You are the number one priority, especially if he wants you to be his wife. YOU should be his best friend over ANY friend...


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## HagonNag (Jul 17, 2010)

Maybe I'm missing something, but I'm not sure why you apologized for retreating into the bedroom and not discussing it at the time. There is absolutely no way I'd be talking to my significant other about something like this while he was intoxicated and in front of his friend. It was MUCH wiser to address this when he's sober and you're alone.

I don't have a lot of tolerance for intoxicated bad behavior. If he can't behave and show you respect while he's drunk....maybe he should give up the excessive drinking. And it would be a VERY cold day in the very warmest latitudes when I EVER put up with my DH calling me a ho... drunk or not. 
To get respect, you have to respect yourself enough to expect it and then demand it. Good for you that you called him on his words and actions!!


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## Jessabel (Mar 19, 2009)

There's no discussion to be had. I don't care how trashed he was, the man in your life should NEVER belittle you or make you feel like crap. Now you know where he stands. His booze means more to him than you do. The pig should have known better than to get wasted in the first place. :evil: Don't expect him to change, either. 

I have zero patience for drunken stupidity.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

DH and I have been married for over 20 years and dated for several years before we made it legal. My parents were both very passive agressive alcoholics and I have/had several brothers who decided to go down the alcoholic/drug addiction road and it didn't do any of them any good. I made my mind up young not to be like that and when hubby started getting a little too dedicated to his frat bros and their Dutch courage, I told him straight out I wasn't having any of it and he had to make a choice. He's still here so that means no drinking to excess. I don't mind the odd beer or drink, but more than one and I start getting very uneasy. 

I also won't tolerate anyone being belittling or disrespectful to me. I'm not that way with anyone and God help the poor b*stard that wants to start in on me. I respect others and if they don't respect me then I have no use for 'em and will cut 'em dead. 

I'm glad you and your fiancee cussed and discussed but keep your ears open and be ready to pack it in if the problem doesn't go away permanently. Most guys like that are setting a pattern and you can't change 'em, you can only leave 'em and go find someone worth your time.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Glad you worked it out, but if you are not a drinker & he likes to pound back a few with his buddies, can you live with that? How about if you have children in the future & his buddies show up then & he has a few? Just something to think about.....

I could go on & say I been married a million years (33 actually, just seems like a million), and tell you it's been all wine & roses, but it isn't. You can't sweat the small stuff, ignore it, it means nothing. He loves you, you love him, treats you the way you want to be treated, has the same values & goals as you, mutual respect? If you can answer yes to all of those questions, I will repeat, DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF! If you are iffy on any of those questions, you are on shaky ground and will have a tough time making it happy & making it work. Good luck.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Dreamcatcher I also do not suffer fools well. Everyone we know is going to disapoint us . we will disapoint them. thats a given. Holding one incident against someone ,especially under the influence of alcohol ,will reduce your list of friends faster than going broke.
The thing we all must do is set our boundaries as Dreamcatcher has done.
Tension arises in every relationship you have in your life. if you neglect it or allow it to build up without addressing the problem then things like the Op has posted about may occur.
I highly suspect there is an underlying issue with the OP and her fiance. her feelings were not hurt just because he said something or ignored her.
Open and frank discussions abut your feelings should occur to avoid a replay. Shalom


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## DimSum (Mar 28, 2012)

AlexS said:


> ...Just have a chat with him this afternoon when he wakes, after you have handed him some Tylenol and a glass of water.


Just an aside here folks, from the Nurse in me who can't help it so take it in the context I mean it. Please don't mix tylenol and alcohol (even when you have a hangover). Simply put both stress out the Liver and can lead to damage. Advil or ibuprofen is safer.

/end public service announcement


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

dbarabians said:


> Dreamcatcher I also do not suffer fools well. Everyone we know is going to disapoint us . we will disapoint them. thats a given. Holding one incident against someone ,especially under the influence of alcohol ,will reduce your list of friends faster than going broke.
> The thing we all must do is set our boundaries as Dreamcatcher has done.


 
You're correct DBA! As I said, he got a little too fond of his frat brats and their Dutch courage at parties which, since I'm a teetotaler, I didn't attend. It was early days in our dating relationship and as I was at work one night I got to thinking. And what I came up with was, I was not going to deal with this for any length of time and decided that he was a good enough guy to deserve the chance to make a choice. He made his choice and so, almost 30 years later, he has an occasional drink and we keep a 6 pak of beer in the fridge. Compromise on both parties. I also switched to days or swings as soon as I had the seniority to do it, that eliminated the stress of a wife on graves too. 

I'm certainly not advocating kicking the guy to the curb if this is his one transgression. But I am advocating keeping your ears pricked for any further issues related to respect and possible emotional/verbal abuse or patterns. Then a decision would need to be made.


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