# Feeling like a failure



## AtokaGhosthorse

That's a wall of text, kiddo. Can you put in some paragraph breaks? My eyes cross trying to read that.


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## rebelandgracie2

rebelandgracie2 said:


> I’m 17, almost 18, and I’ve been riding horses since I was 9. When I was almost 12, I got my first horse, Rebel. But about a month before I got Rebel, I was having a lesson on my instructor’s 14 y/o Arab mare. We were in the pasture, and I intended to go at a nice, easy trot. She takes off a full gallop, and I was completely unprepared.
> 
> I tried to stop her, but it was no use. We looped around the pasture and we’re headed back to where we started, where the people were. I was panicking and screaming. Not the best thing to do on any horse. But I did. I came off by the gate and broke my right humerus (a green stick fracture, thankfully).
> 
> I was a fairly confident rider before this, but I was never the same after. When i got Rebel, I knew he’d have a little pep to him, which I was looking forward to. But I didn’t realize that he’d be very spooky, and not want to hold still for mounting. With some coaxing and help from my mom or dad, I was sometimes able to get on him and have a brief, slow ride in the round pen, having someone lead him because my arm was still in a sling.
> 
> Rebel’s behavior while being mounted got worse though. He’d kick, jump away, do all kinds of scary things. I couldn’t handle it anymore, so mom decided to sell him via a horse dealership. By this time, we had still gotten really attached to Rebel, so it was heartbreaking.
> 
> The people at the dealership were kind of harsh. He’d misbehave for him, and they did their darndest to keep him under control. I think they resented him for his behavior though. The lady in charge even said that she wouldn’t pay $200 for him, and that she knows someone who would have sent him to a slaughter house. So we got him the heck out of there, even though we had to pay the $250 fee. They charged us that amount without even trying hard to sell him.
> 
> So there we were with Rebel again. We started trying to ride him again, with partial success. Just when things were going well, he’d have a super bad day. Another boarder suggested that he might be lame. Sure enough, a vet’s ultrasound revealed that he had a torn suspensory ligament in his right hind leg. The solution was surgery, and he was out of commission for 9 months.
> 
> In that time, we took care of him and tried to keep him from moving too much. It was extremely stressful, because he’s not easy to keep calm. In this time, I noticed the other boarder kids. They all had their own horses and were able to ride to their heart’s content. I wasn’t, and it didn’t seem fair. It made me sad a lot.
> 
> We tried to get another, calmer horse, but this “calmer horse” threw my mom off in a pasture, so she ended up in the hospital with a concussion. We sold him with no trouble. All the while, other people are enjoying their horses without me. At the end of Rebel’s recovery, we slowly started riding him again.
> 
> He still had his old habits of not holding still for mounting. We thought it was due to him anticipating pain again, but when he gradually got worked more, I think he was just doing it to get out of work. It had me scared, and I didn’t think I’d ride him ever again.
> 
> Another boarder offered to train him and give me lessons, so we worked together. It got to a point where I could ride Rebel with relative confidence. That is, in the round pen. I started riding him in the arena, which had me terrified at first. My instructor would ride his horse alongside me and make sure Rebel couldn’t take off running, because he is a fiery horse. Rebel was then 15, by the way.
> 
> I eventually got to the point where I could trot, canter, and do barrels with Rebel by myself. I was feeling pretty good about myself for a change. Then reality hit me. One day, while I was riding in the arena, he started to test me. He began to shuffle his feet, sidepass, and strut with his nose stuck out, as though he were preparing to buck, rear, or take off. I had an uh-oh feeling.
> 
> Over a year after my accident with the Arab mare, I had a flash back to that accident. Once again, I was screaming and panicking like an absolute fool. Rebel knew I was scared, so he took off running.
> 
> Thankfully, I was able to stop him, but the sick, scared feeling never went away. I rode him another time after that, and when he started acting up again, I felt broken, like my anxiety had defeated me.
> 
> I gave up and vowed never to ride him again. For about 2 years, I went without riding Rebel, just accepting that I had failed as a rider and a horse owner. In that time, we tried to sell him twice, but we only ever got 1 inquiry.
> 
> We never sold him. My mom and I think that everything happens for a reason, so we decided that we should just keep him. By this time, Rebel had become part of the family. He’s not going anywhere.
> 
> We also got another horse, Gracie. She’s actually very beginner safe. Even though I had experience, my confidence was and still is in shambles. Gracie proved to be a good mount for me, and I’ve been able to take her on trail rides and go to fun shows for barrels.
> 
> Then one day, after we had moved to another boarding barn, I was leading Rebel in from the pasture, and I looked over his neck and between his ears. In seeing such a view, I told myself, “enough is enough. I WILL ride this horse again.”
> 
> I wanted to do it when someone else was around, but I didn’t want the pressure of an audience watching me. So one morning, I was there with my dad, who was working on some tack room maintenance. I took Rebel out to the large round pen (really more of an oblong pen), and got on him bareback with just his halter.
> 
> We had a nice little walk there. I got out my phone, took a picture of his ears from above, and sent it to my mom. She probably almost had a heart attack. But no disasters occurred that day.
> 
> And so it was that any chance I’d get, I’d ride Rebel in the round pen, bareback. I introduced him to a mechanical hackamore with a broad, flat leather noseband.
> 
> Our rides generally went well. I even got to the point of cantering him bareback, but I never ventured beyond the “oblong pen.” I started riding him with a saddle again, and my shattered confidence was starting to rebuild.
> 
> Or so I thought. I decided to try riding him outside the round pen, just around the barn area one day. Rebel started getting twitchy, which made me nervous.
> 
> I realize that whenever a horse I’m riding acts up even a little bit, I panic and forget everything I’ve been taught about riding. He kept acting up, so I jumped off. Nobody else was around except my sister, so I couldn’t bring myself to get back on. It’s here that I feel like a failure.
> 
> The one time I try to venture beyond my tiny little zone of comfort, I realize what a spoiled brat I’ve turned my horse into. I’ve never had the guts to tell him NO. This happened this summer. I wanted to work with a trainer at the barn with him to try and salvage something, but then he came down with the heaves.
> 
> He has since been recovering, and he is now out of shape. I’ve thought about riding him again, but I’m scared. My confidence now is worse than ever. I could always ride the family mare, Gracie, but I’m just not satisfied. I’m someone who doesn’t want to give up on something once I’ve started.
> 
> In this case, it’s riding and enjoying Rebel. I really want to do more with him than I’ve done, but I don’t see how I can. The trainer could ride him and get a feel for him, and I could take lessons with the trainer, but I can’t pay for it.
> 
> I could ride good old Gracie to help boost my confidence, but that alone can’t get me to where I want to be with Rebel. I feel stuck. In all these six years that I’ve had Rebel, I’ve realized that when he is ridden in a large, open space, he tends to act out more, which is why I stay sheltered in the stupid round pen.
> 
> But I know I can’t ride in there forever because it’s bad for his joints. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to sell my baby because I know where he’ll end up. I could lease him out to someone while I’m in college, but he still needs work.
> 
> Im disappointed in myself for not being a good mom to him and not fully facing my fears, and above all, I am tantalized by seeing other kids who are even younger than me, get new horses and do whatever they want with them within a week of having them. I’ve hardly ever known what that’s like.
> 
> Does anybody know what my next step could be? Sorry for the long essay.


 sorry about that. I was so busy ranting that I forgot to put spaces.


NOTE: Tinyliny here. I used my moderator privileges to update the OP's post, with her later added edits. Yes, a wall of text is a big No -NO here. 



carry on . . .


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## ACinATX

AtokaGhosthorse said:


> That's a wall of text, kiddo. Can you put in some paragraph breaks? My eyes cross trying to read that.


Yikes, yes, please, paragraphs. I did read through the whole thing, and while I commend your desire to work with this horse, and particularly not to sell him, knowing where he would end up, it seems to me that you are basically giving yourself two choices:

1. Try to ride him but be scared and fail.
2. Ride the mare but be bored.

I know you said you couldn't pay for a trainer and lessons, but it sounds like he's boarding -- is there any way you could maybe exchange your manual labor for the occasional lesson? If not, I don't see you ever being comfortable riding him.

If it were me, I would ride the mare and be bored. Ride her a lot, until you get to the point where you've buried your traumatic experiences under a wall of good, solid riding. While doing that, try to see if you can get a trainer on your horse, even if it's just a few times, so she can give you some ideas of how you can work with him.

It seems to me that if you keep riding your horse the way things are, you're just going to keep having bad experiences.

ETA: those other kids are riding right away because they are buying easy, boring horses like your mare. Because they want to ride. You don't buy a horse like yours and then expect to be able to just ride him however you want, or at least I wouldn't. 

One last thought: I know that you don't want to sell him, but maybe if you put some training into him you COULD sell him, if you wanted, and buy a horse that you could actually ride. Or maybe the training would get him to where YOU can ride him. Without SOME sort of training, it doesn't seem to me like you're ever going to get out of the round pen with this guy. I hope you can make it work with him!


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## Acadianartist

I read your whole post and I do feel for you. Honestly, I do. I'm a lot older than you, but this can happen to anyone in the world of horses. Many of us have had our confidence shattered. And sometimes, we do feel like we're stuck with a horse we don't enjoy riding. In a perfect world, we either fix the horse (with help, otherwise, we wouldn't be in this mess to start with) or find a horse we do enjoy riding. There are horses that are between Gracie and Rebel. Horses that are fun to ride, have lots of energy, but don't make you feel like you might die. 

Sometimes, too, we have to accept that we have the horses we have. Rebel is not likely to change a whole lot unless you can pay a professional to deal with his issues. So stop being hard on yourself for not wanting to ride him. It's pretty darn smart not to want to get on a horse that makes you feel unsafe. It's called survival. Once you get to be my age, you won't even question it anymore (I'm 48).  

So you can hold onto him because you don't feel he has a chance of finding a good home, or you can actually write up a for sale ad that's honest and see if anyone is willing to take him on as a project horse. I'd avoid dealers personally. Be absolutely blunt in your ad. Don't make him sound better than he is. Make it clear that he needs a very experienced rider. You might actually find that someone comes forward and that someone is exactly who Rebel needs. You write that your mom and you believe it is meant to be that Rebel is still with you. Maybe it is meant to be for you to find a special person that will be a perfect match for Rebel, and that all you have to do is put out his story and let that person find him. 

Finally, stop comparing yourself to other kids who have easy-to-ride horses. Sure, some are truly easy, but there is no perfect horse. Every one of them has flaws. Sure, there are some that come with excellent training and that sure makes it easier to get on them and look good. But those horses don't teach their riders very much. You've already learned a lot more than any kid who gets handed a perfectly trained, perfectly groomed horse. Be grateful for that. But also, know when it's time to move on.


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## rambo99

We have all been there feeling like failures even as an adult, i sometimes feel like a failure. The challenging horse's really make it hard when you are scared because of being badly hurt. Like the one poster said maybe you can find that special person for rebel,be honest in ad and make it clear will only sell to the right person. 

I currently have a horse who scares me at times,with his acting up under saddle. I've been badly hurt in the past, and it still even many years later comes back to haunt me. I had ribs broken literally black an blue on many part of my body ,cut up had to be stitched up, and was unable to ride for months. 

When things go bad when riding my horse i sometimes get really scared,like last night. Sometimes i just stop horse get off and lead him till he settles down. Then get back on and try again, and it for most part goes better,at least with horse i have. 

I'm in my 40s so being scared and feeling like a failure can happen to the best of us. Keep your chin up and keep trying it gets better i promise.


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## rebelandgracie2

I appreciate the encouragement from y’all. I need to have a talk with the trainer and see what she says. I may be able to do some favors for her in exchange for her services. I may even be able to get a job. 

Despite what I’ve been through with Rebel, we have a bond. Even if he scares the bejezus out of me, we still have a strong emotional connection. 

I’m seriously considering leasing him out. That way, he can get a sense of fulfillment, and work for someone who can enjoy him, but I won’t have to say goodbye forever. I’ll be in college in a year and won’t get to see him much, but still. I want him to be there, or at least accessible in some way, when I visit. 

I can see how it would be plausible to sell him, but the mere thought of that sends me into hysterics. Either way, he’ll need some time with the trainer.


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## rebelandgracie2

I can probably still do some round pen riding. Oddly enough, I’ve found that my confidence is a little better when I go bareback. It makes no logical sense to me, but it’s just true. A question I have now is, how much round pen riding can I do without damaging Rebel’s joints? This is becoming more of a horse wellness thread. 😂


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## greentree

It depends on the size of the round pen...


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## ShirtHotTeez

I hadn't ridden in years, and shortly before I stopped riding I was swiped off a horse under a tree,landing hands and knees. The hospital reckoned I didn't break a bone but perhaps there was a hairline fracture or something, because it sure took a long time to come right. But it left that fear.

I got my thoroughbred last year, and was worried about my first ride on him. Now I know when you ride, there is always a possibility of falling, but what worries me is not so much the fall, but getting hung over a fence or something. So DS and I took him to the beach. At first it felt like he was going to bolt, until I realized he had a big powerful walk.

My point being, perhaps that large space would not be so bad if someone would ride with you.


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## gottatrot

You're not a failure, and you're doing fine. However, I think you could set yourself up for more success with Rebel. Even though you may feel more confident bareback in the round pen, you're more likely to lose your balance and fall, especially if you decide to go out into a larger space where he tends to be more energetic. 

Also, it sounds like you are working him somewhat sporadically, which can make many horses less predictable. If you want to build your confidence on him, I'd put a saddle on and ride him two days in a row in the round pen, then if he seems very good and rather bored, take him out for a very short ride outside of it. Maybe just five minutes. That is something you can build on, but without trying to ride him when he's excited or energetic from not being worked. 

Something about the mechanical hackamore is that you have somewhat of an "on" and "off" response with it, so you need to make sure your horse responds well and you release quickly when he does what you want. It's not going to be a good thing to put him in if you're worried he's getting too fast and feel like you need to hold pressure to slow him down. 

Is he used to going in any other type of bit? It might help you if he is going in something that works with very clear communication for both of you. That's not going to be a halter or a mechanical hackamore. 

There are other things you can do to build your confidence, such as teaching a very consistent stop or one rein stop, practicing doing a lot of trotting work in circles in a larger area, riding with a confident friend on a more mellow horse, etc.


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## rebelandgracie2

gottatrot;1970633093
Something about the mechanical hackamore is that you have somewhat of an "on" and "off" response with it said:


> Sounds like it would do me good to switch to something more basic in terms of headgear. I’ve got a D ring snaffle and an eggbutt snaffle that I can probably use. How do those sound?


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## CharlotteThePenguin

I've been in (still am kinda) in a similar situation.

I just turned 18 at the beginning of the month, and I started riding in the third grade (8/9years old I think). I went through three barns before I ended up at one that suited us. There, I rode an old, lazy mare (typical lesson horse type) for awhile, but I got bored on her. I wanted a little more 'thrill', because I was 13 years old at that time. I was planning to move to a different barn that did different things, but my trainer offered to let me ride a mare I had fallen in love with in an attempt to get me to stay. I'd never ridden this mare before, but I always asked to. My trainer had always told me no before now- because I wasn't ready to ride her. She's a half-arab, wasn't in work for over four years, spooky, basically the polar opposite of the mare I had been riding. 

I'm 98% sure my trainer drugged her the first few times I rode her. Once we started jumping, things took a turn. She had more energy than I had ever seen in a horse before, and I fell a lot. It knocked my confidence a lot. But I was stubborn and didn't want to give up on her.

Long story short, I ended up buying her and spent four-ish years fighting with her, having panic attacks, and sometimes even dreading going to ride. With my old trainer, when things went wrong she would take us to the round pen as a 'punishment' and because there were often other riders in the arena and she didn't feel they were safe with me in there. So, I associate having to ride in the round pen as a bad thing, much like it seems you kinda have also. 

I moved to a new barn at the beginning of the year due to some... unfortunate events with my trainer, but moved again at the beginning of July. The trainer I'm with now had us start from basically the beginning. We did walk/trot work and pole work for months, and she's just now slowly moving us up to jumps. Now, from what I read it sounds like you're a western rider, so obviously jumping is different than running barrels. But I assume it's similar - start by getting comfortable walking and trotting. Spend rides only walking if you have to, while going around a barrel, work on turning and backing, and get comfortable. Most of this time, however, my mare and I had a wonderful bond on the ground. She loved being groomed and I loved to groom her. I loved being with her... just not riding her. 

If he starts acting up and you start to panic - get off the horse and work him on the ground. Lunge him, free-lunge him, do whatever you can (without hitting him or anything like that) to make him realize that you're the boss - not him. If you can, get back on after you feel that he's ready to respect you. I will say that I could have never improved without my trainer, so you really need an instructor, as the other commenters have said.

I'm not the best at advice, but I mainly posted to say that you're not alone in feeling the way you are. Try not to compare yourself to other riders - I know it's hard, as I still tend to do that. I wish you the best of luck <3


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## gottatrot

rebelandgracie2 said:


> Sounds like it would do me good to switch to something more basic in terms of headgear. I’ve got a D ring snaffle and an eggbutt snaffle that I can probably use. How do those sound?


Either of those may work well, depending on the mouthpiece and if the horse responds well to them. I'd still try them out to make sure he did well in the round pen with a different bit. You should check responsiveness at faster gaits before going into a different setting.


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## Acadianartist

CharlotteThePenguin said:


> If he starts acting up and you start to panic - get off the horse and work him on the ground. Lunge him, free-lunge him, do whatever you can (without hitting him or anything like that) to make him realize that you're the boss - not him. If you can, get back on after you feel that he's ready to respect you. I will say that I could have never improved without my trainer, so you really need an instructor, as the other commenters have said.
> 
> I'm not the best at advice, but I mainly posted to say that you're not alone in feeling the way you are. Try not to compare
> yourself to other riders - I know it's hard, as I still tend to do that. I wish you the best of luck <3


I'd say this is all pretty darned good advice! I ride a very spooky mare, and getting off to lunge (I have snap-on reins, so if she's getting worked up, I can just get off, undo one side, and circle her a bit until she settles) has worked well for me. There is nothing wrong with getting off when you don't feel you are in control. For my mare, it's not so much that she needs to respect me as her needing to re-connect with me, and for some strange reason, she does that a lot better on the ground than when I'm riding her. 

Also, CharlotteThePenguin, my daughter's horse is an Arabian. He's almost 20. You'd think he'd have slowed down, but nope. We got him just over three years ago, and it took her a good year to be able to canter him. Two to jump him confidently. Now, she can do anything she wants with him, and has successfully competed in jumping shows. They are always in the ribbons, and often in first place for at least some of the classes. My point is that Arabians can be very hot, and they tend to get hotter when you jump them. Your coach may not have drugged this horse. When my daughter started jumping her horse at shows, everyone who knew us, and had seen them do flats together, was totally shocked. He is a different horse when he jumps.


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## CharlotteThePenguin

Acadianartist said:


> I'd say this is all pretty darned good advice! I ride a very spooky mare, and getting off to lunge (I have snap-on reins, so if she's getting worked up, I can just get off, undo one side, and circle her a bit until she settles) has worked well for me. There is nothing wrong with getting off when you don't feel you are in control. For my mare, it's not so much that she needs to respect me as her needing to re-connect with me, and for some strange reason, she does that a lot better on the ground than when I'm riding her.
> 
> Also, CharlotteThePenguin, my daughter's horse is an Arabian. He's almost 20. You'd think he'd have slowed down, but nope. We got him just over three years ago, and it took her a good year to be able to canter him. Two to jump him confidently. Now, she can do anything she wants with him, and has successfully competed in jumping shows. They are always in the ribbons, and often in first place for at least some of the classes. My point is that Arabians can be very hot, and they tend to get hotter when you jump them. Your coach may not have drugged this horse. When my daughter started jumping her horse at shows, everyone who knew us, and had seen them do flats together, was totally shocked. He is a different horse when he jumps.


Thank you!! I always feel kinda like I'm 'giving up' when I get off, but I try not to because it truly helps so much. It's also easier for _me_ to settle down on the ground until I'm calm enough to get back on, because, especially with my mare, if I'm not calm she's not either.

Also, I say my trainer could have drugged her because she has a history of doing that... I know she also drugged my horse at my first show with her. That being said, since I never saw her do it when I started riding, it's very possible that she didn't and it was starting jumping that set my horse off. On the flat, I think we could do whatever. In fact, sometimes I have laziness issues on the flat! But it's quite like a switch of a flip when it comes to jumping... good to know that we're not the only ones. 


Sorry to hijack your thread rebelandgracie2 :lol:


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## rebelandgracie2

So here’s an update...
I went for a ride today on Gracie. I walked her in the arena, but she wouldn’t trot for me. So I took her in the round pen to work. The trainer was around, so she was able to help me to get her to cooperate, and I feel more confident now.

I still have a long way to go, but the trainer is willing to ride Rebel for me. She charges $15 per ride, but she told me that she will accept favors in exchange for rides/lessons. I’m not physically very strong, but I’m not afraid to buckle down and do some work for somebody.


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## BuckyGold

You're not a failure you're brave. It takes guts and passion to get back in the saddle after a big scare. I'll tell you a secret, it's okay to be scared. It's logical to be afraid when your sitting on an antsy 1000 pound animal. My horse never bucked but would walk off when I tried to get on and would take off once I got on. I didn't have any knowledge and was getting frustrated. I love to lope but my horse is too fast and I haven't had the proper area to really safely work on that. But I have solved many other issues which built my confidence by watching Clinton Anderson. Something about an Australian in a cowboy hat hollering at owners really pushes my passions lol


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