# Disowning a family member, should you feel guilty?



## OutOfTheLoop (Apr 1, 2012)

I have come to the conclusion that I no longer want anything to do with my brother. If you read all this, you get cookies. 

He got into drugs when he was around 15, stealing our moms prescription pills and smoking pot. He was on and off pills for a long time. He got married when he was around 22 ish, and she divorced him not even a year later when she came home from work and found him passed out face down in a plate of food. After that, he seemed to straighten out, and the family thought he was doing ok. 

In 2009, I got divorced, left with everything in my name, lost my house, and moved in with my step father with my year old daughter. A little after that is when he got divorced also. And needed a place to stay, so he came as we'll. my daughter was crawling around in his bedroom and picked up a stuffed animal he had. She gave it to me, and me being nosy and it having a zipper on the back, I opened it to find it stuffed full of pills. He was promptly kicked out as me nor my step dad was allowing that with a kid in the house. 

He moved in with my dad and step mother, and she caught him stealing checks from her. 

Great father didn't want to press charges, but he was asked to leave and moved in with his gf. Again he seemed ok for the longest time after that, and we thought he was ok. I had started talking to him again after the pill incident, thinking he had straightened up. 

He had a good gf, and had a daughter that is now over a year old, and the cutest little girl. But he is on drugs again. Within the last two months, baby momma kicked him out because she found a crack pipe, he stole money out of our grandfathers wallet. He was kicked out of our moms house because she found a crack pipe, he broke into our dad's garage and stole lawn care equipment, he stole his roommates golf clubs and pawned them, and today he was arrested on the job by his employer for stealing equipment. He had a great job and made good money, all down the drain now. 

He called mom, dad, and baby momma to get him out of jail, they all told him he could stay there. He finally talked an x gf into going to sign his bond for him and get him out. 

I don't know how to feel. I am mad, angry, sad, upset, distraught, all at the same time. I went three weeks ago to moms when he was still there, and told him that our grandfather was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and had six months to live, and he just looked at me and said that sucks, with no emotion. 

I no longer want any relationship with him whatsoever, but I do wNt to try and have a relationship with baby momma for that sweet little girl. I want to reach out to her but not sure how to go about it. 

I can't help him, he won't take offers for help, and I don't want to be around when he's found dead somewhere from overdose or being shot from trying to rob the wrong person. 

I know this is personal, but where else to reach out for advice that an internet full of strangers right? I'm hoping to come across so,done who has gone through this and can offer some words of wisdom.


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## SlideStop (Dec 28, 2011)

Although I haven't been in your situation my mom is an alcoholic. I know what it's like to be like "hello stupid!! Help is right here!" Or "can you see how much your hurting us?" Type predicaments. Your doing the right thing, as tough as it may be! You need to distance yourself from this, it's no good for your family emotionally, financially, or physically. He's a big boy. He knows he has a problem. He doesn't want help. He also doesn't care who he has to step on to get what he needs. Honestly, it is a shame to someone bailed him out since jail is where he really needs to be. A jail will keep him safe (from the streets at least) and sober. Maybe with a decent sentence he can have some time to reflect on his choices, do some more maturing and actually straighten out the underlying problems. 

Good luck to you! Stay strong and remember that sometimes the right choice isn't always the easy choice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Well heres the thing I had a brother who was also a drug addict and alcoholic, but he..I guess still had some morals and didn't steal and cared for us..his family..so a bit of a different situation but still some what similar.

After a while I got tired of the drugs, alcohol, and not showing up to events so I started to distance myself from him. I loved him so much but I was tired of dealing with his problems.We still talked and saw each other a lot. He was around for his last holidays with us, but I always wish we were closer.

Then one day last year my brother also got tired of his problems and completed suicide. I felt so guilty because I wasn't really there for him with his problems. Addiction is a hard thing to break and I feel your brother needs you there the most. It's not the time to give up on him.

I'm just saying this because I don't want you to feel the same guilt I felt after my brother died.


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## KsKatt (Jun 2, 2014)

You have to take care of yourself, and you can't help someone who doesn't want it. They really do have to hit bottom before they realize they need it. Keep your distance and stay safe.
As for the ex and her baby. Reach out to her. I'd bet she would love for her daughter to have an aunt, a representative of his side of the baby's family. She kicked him out, wouldn't bail him out of jail, sounds like a smart lady to me!


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## alexischristina (Jun 30, 2009)

You have responsibility to be the best possible role model for your daughter, and to provide her with stable surroundings and good people. If you feel he's the wrong type of person to have in your life, then he's definitely the wrong type of person to have in her life and at this point your lives are so intertwined that it would be incredibly difficult to have a relationship with him that would not somehow affect your daughter. Your brother doesn't sound like he wants to change, and until he DOES there's no possible way for you to help him, it's up to him to get his life straightened out.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, I can't speak from experience, but I can say with surety that if I were in the same position I would make it clear to such a sibling to never come on my property, not even in close proximity of it - and I wouldn't feel any guilt about it whatsoever. Everyone makes their own choices. When a person makes bad choices and is lucky enough to be offered help and understanding afterword, but refuses help - they are exactly where they chose to be at...on their own. When they endanger a child, they are doubly "on their own", in my book.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

Well, first realize that addiction is a tough hurdle to overcome and that no one wants it. Druggies, smokers, drinkers, the obese etc. it s a nice thought to think you can do it if you try, but we all differ in our will. 
You obviously still love your brother, as you should. You don't however have to let his problems become your own or to obsess over him. You also can't control how others deal with him. Don't try. 
Love him from afar and hopefully that distance will lessen at some point, but it will always be his call, not yours. You can't fix him, so just deal with those who really want your help. Like yourself.
He will always be your brother , but there is no reason to let the sickness in his life seep into your own.

Think good thoughts, pray and move on. 

My best to you.


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## BarrelracingArabian (Mar 31, 2010)

My ex i found out was heavy into pills. I had noticed the abscence of extra money like we should have had, my change jug frequently being lower but couldn't quite figure it out. When we broke up and i refused to come back due to his bipolar actions the last few months he came clean about the pills. When i still refused he threatened suicide. I still stood my ground well he has since attempted 3 times by overdose and is now on anti depressants and seeing a therapist. 

I didn't turn my back on him but rather stood my ground. I called the cops on him the first time he attempted. So whether you feel the need to distance yourself is your call but think long and hard about it. 

I wouldn't allow him in the home or anything but i would still let him know you are there.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

You are not turning your back on your brother . You are refusing to enable his addiction. Nothing wrong with that.
Until he seeks treatment and makes amends for what he has done IMPO you are right to distance yourself from him.
As long as he is using then there is nothing you can do for him. When he is sober and a functioning member of society then you should resume your relationship with him.
Refusing to watch him self destruct is a healthy decision. Shalom


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## Spanish Rider (May 1, 2014)

I went through this during my teens with my father, an alcoholic. Lost his job, in and out of rehab, stealing money from my sister and me, even picked me up after hockey practice DUI. Never sobered up until my mother kicked him out and he had to go to a halfway house to clean up his act. Brilliant man, a certified genious actually, started all over by cleaning toilets and peeling potatoes. AA saved him. Today, he still calls himself a "recovering alcoholic", even after more than 25 years of sobriety.

No one can help addicts if they won't help themselves. And even though it makes you feel like crap, you should never let yourself feel responsible.


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## 6gun Kid (Feb 26, 2013)

I have a cousin who was a crackhead for most of his life, countless arrests, at least 4 trips through rehab, stole everything that wasn't nailed down, including my aunt's paycheck. Was even MIA for our grandmother's funeral. I hadn't seen him in 16 years, till this last easter. 
It took everything I had in me, not to choke the everliving **** out of him. But then something happened, I got tired. I mean like bone weary tired, from hating him. So on a positive note, He has been clean and sober for 8 years, employed and studying for the master electrician license, as well as an addiction counselor. He told me, when I finally asked, that until *he* made the choice to clean up he wasn't gonna clean up.
So I guess my point of this is, there is always hope. But until this happens keep your distance.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

In this situation you are doing the right thing. He needs to want to stay clean for himself, not to make anyone else happy. 

It's not drugs, but it's a similar situation I went through with my ex husband. He's got emotional/mental problems, and he is terrified of doctors and prescriptions. He's basically talked himself out of every good thing in his life - jobs, school, treating his problems, his family, our marriage. I tried like hell to help him any way I could, but it finally got to the point where I felt like I was drowning every day. Asking him for a divorce was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Even though his actions hurt me terribly, I still care about him and we are still friends. It still hurts to see someone who is so talented and has so much good in him living the way he does - but, he's a big boy, and until he decides to live his life otherwise, that's right where he'll stay. I made the decision that I wasn't okay with living that kind of life. 

Being mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy sometimes means having to cut out those people and situations that are obviously not healthy for us. This is not a matter of giving up on him, but a matter of protecting yourself. 

I think that keeping a relationship with your niece and her mother is a wonderful idea. Let her know that no matter what happens between you and your brother, you are there for them.


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## OutOfTheLoop (Apr 1, 2012)

thanks for all the words of wisdom
I do feel as though I am doing the right thing. In good news, they revoked his bond after filing more charges, so now he is facing a felony instead of a misdemeanor and has to stay in jail
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flytobecat (Mar 28, 2010)

So sorry you are going through this. These situations are never easy and take toll on everyone involved.
You can't help people who don't want it. Addicts in my experience are pretty good at trying to guilt you into feeling responsible for their situation. Ultimately though, everyone is responsible for the choices they make. 
You shouldn't feel guilty for deciding to take care of yourself or your family. You aren't being selfish, you are being responsible.


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## montes4338 (Jan 22, 2014)

I worked on an ambulance for almost 20 years for my community, and drugs are bad. They cause chemical changes in the body that make the body and mind do things that are not the things the person would normally do. However, nobody but him can fix him. Period. Yes, you love your brother. Yes, you grieve for him, because part of him is lost right now. But he is a danger to you and your child. He could have a bad chemical reaction and turn dangerous physically, or a bad chemical reaction could cause him to just forget, and leave his drugs where an innocent child could find them. Distancing yourself for your sake is a tough choice, and it could have negative outcomes, as one poster above did. But, does he have the right to take away your comfort, your safety, your well being? No. Nor does he have the right to take that from your child. I write this with a 14 year old on my couch. Her mom used to be a family friend until meth took her. I now try to give the girl a good life, food to eat, a horse to love. Her mom, even after drying out in prison, won't even write her a letter.


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## squirrelfood (Mar 29, 2014)

I have a son like this. He isn't allowed to come near me any more due to the threats he has made when I wouldn't help him any more (money, free room and board). Three trips through rehab and now in his 50's. Lost his wife and kids. Nothing changes with him. You can only help those who WANT to be helped and are willing and ready to help themselves.


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## OutOfTheLoop (Apr 1, 2012)

Well he ended up in jail for felony theft, from hos job no less. my Dad bailed him out and took him to rehab, he has been out for a week and I talked to him the other night. our grandfather passed and i asked him to go to the funeral with us and he started making excuses why he couldn't go. I think his head still isn't right from the things hes putting on Facebook. oh well *sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sony (May 10, 2014)

Don't feel guilty. He's obviously not trustworthy and will remain a problem until he respects HIMSELF enough to change.

I wouldn't hold my breath.

I haven't spoken to my parents' son in years. And the relief that I don't have to deal with his problems is astounding!


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## .Delete. (Jan 7, 2008)

I am so sorry for your situation. I can relate on a different level. 

I think that family is not a right, it's earned. 

Best of luck and keep in mind that you need to look out for you.


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## starsnosigns (Sep 29, 2013)

I disowned my mother in my teens because she started creeping me out. She was always creepy though. I got together with some other people who had creepy moms, and we started talking and I realised I don't really need her anymore. I just stopped talking to her. She was a bad influence on me I think. I can't explain what was wrong with her. First of all...at family functions she'd always drink. No a lot and not beer or anything gross, but wine. But she'd drink even if she was going to be driving. Then it was like she wasn't really there...she had no opinoins, no favourite colours, no character, no personality. One day she became insane and started mumbling nonesense and speaking in jibberish, and I realised I had enough of her...I realised the rest of my family can care for her. I mean I still cared for her a little...but she barely cared for me as a child. She was never there. She was so strange all the time. She looks strange too. I found some friends and spent a lot of time with them instead. The only thing she really cares about are food and her clothes. She had such a weird nervous breakdown that I didn't know what to make of it. I still live with her though even though we both don't care that much for each other. and I miss her.


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## .Delete. (Jan 7, 2008)

starsnosigns said:


> I disowned my mother in my teens because she started creeping me out. She was always creepy though. I got together with some other people who had creepy moms, and we started talking and I realised I don't really need her anymore. I just stopped talking to her. She was a bad influence on me I think. I can't explain what was wrong with her. First of all...at family functions she'd always drink. No a lot and not beer or anything gross, but wine. But she'd drink even if she was going to be driving. Then it was like she wasn't really there...she had no opinoins, no favourite colours, no character, no personality. One day she became insane and started mumbling nonesense and speaking in jibberish, and I realised I had enough of her...I realised the rest of my family can care for her. I mean I still cared for her a little...but she barely cared for me as a child. She was never there. She was so strange all the time. She looks strange too. I found some friends and spent a lot of time with them instead. The only thing she really cares about are food and her clothes. She had such a weird nervous breakdown that I didn't know what to make of it. I still live with her though even though we both don't care that much for each other. and I miss her.


Not to take this off subject. But it sounds like an mental illness and people who become mentally ill need your help more than ever. My mother was mentally ill and as much I hated her for it, couldn't understand it, I stuck with her till the end. Now that she is gone I am so glad I never cut her off from my life. I knew she couldn't control it and in the end I finally saw the mother I never had but always wanted. 

I do hope you urge her to get some help and stick by her.


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## hornedfrog89 (Feb 17, 2014)

.Delete. said:


> Not to take this off subject. But it sounds like an mental illness and people who become mentally ill need your help more than ever. My mother was mentally ill and as much I hated her for it, couldn't understand it, I stuck with her till the end. Now that she is gone I am so glad I never cut her off from my life. I knew she couldn't control it and in the end I finally saw the mother I never had but always wanted.
> 
> I do hope you urge her to get some help and stick by her.


Delete, I appreciate what you have just said. My mother is also Mentally Ill - Bipolar, but mostly a paranoia issue. There have been MANY times where I have been close to giving up, but I know I would hate myself for it.


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## .Delete. (Jan 7, 2008)

hornedfrog89 said:


> Delete, I appreciate what you have just said. My mother is also Mentally Ill - Bipolar, but mostly a paranoia issue. There have been MANY times where I have been close to giving up, but I know I would hate myself for it.


Mentally ill people are so difficult to deal with, especially when they are your family member. I too almost cut my mom off so many times. But you will be glad when she is gone that you stuck around. She is sick and needs you. I commend you for staying with her. I know how difficult it can be.


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## squirrelfood (Mar 29, 2014)

Not everyone has the mental strength to deal with the mentally ill. It's a good thing when they realize that.


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## hornedfrog89 (Feb 17, 2014)

.Delete. said:


> Mentally ill people are so difficult to deal with, especially when they are your family member. I too almost cut my mom off so many times. But you will be glad when she is gone that you stuck around. She is sick and needs you. I commend you for staying with her. I know how difficult it can be.



What makes it worse, is there are little glimmers of my 'real' mom. She loves to bake cookies for us and be a 'mom'. But her financial situation is not good, and when you discuss it with her or she brings it up - that mom goes away and the illness takes over.

Those moments are when it's the worst. But then, I'll go home some weekends and I'll wish I didn't have to leave.


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## starsnosigns (Sep 29, 2013)

I'm not sure if my mother has mental illness problems or is just a criminal. I know it sounds bad to talk about your mother like that, but the way she was acting was very criminal like in my childhood. She also started talking about the wonders of drugs recently (she doesnt do them yet thankfully).


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## SueC (Feb 22, 2014)

I think sometimes we have to look at the effect other people have on our lives and if it's significantly negative, and you've tried to communicate that and it's a one way street, then distancing yourself is a good way to reduce that negative impact. That applies in family situations as well. As females, we're kind of socialised into "everyone else's needs come before mine" but really, your own peace of mind and happiness are important, and you can't let someone else's bad decisions impact your own life without taking measures to protect yourself - as you are doing. Like others have said, people need to work out they have a problem before they can solve it - and attempts to "rescue" are usually enabling, and placing the responsibility on the wrong shoulders. People often need to fully experience the consequences of their actions (including losing relationships) before they change, and this isn't going to happen if well-meaning people around them keep bailing them out.

You can care about someone without taking responsibility for their problems - and it's OK to care from a distance if that's better for your own sanity.

Townsend&Cloud wrote a great book called _Boundaries_ which may help people dealing with curly problems in their families and workplaces.


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## JMB67 (Dec 17, 2020)

If they offer no value to your life and only emotionally drain you...then by all means cut them loose...they are what you call a soul sucker...family or not...cut em loose.
My whole family are like emotional vampires...get close to them and they will suck the life out of you and fill you with all kinds of negativity...NO THANKS...I'm gone...have not seen nor spoken to them in close to 2 decades and I am happy and not looking back.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

MOD NOTE

Thread Closed 

This thread is over 6 years old. Many of the members are no longer active on this site.

Please, note the age of a thread before replying.


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