# I might have a problem....



## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

It seems very odd to post for advice about this on the internet....but here it goes....

A couple of months ago I decided to purchase a couple of horses....did my research on a boarding facility and decided on small family owned barn. The BO is more than reasonable and just a genuinely nice person. And the barn/arenas are spectacular. 

There are only a handful of boarders and really I am the Only boarder who rides regularly. 

Anyway....the BO is an avid rider/trainer....obviously rode daily before I even came along. So naturally. ...when I DID come along...we spent some time riding together....in the arena...on trails...etc. 

At first his wife rode with us (Actually him) pretty often. She is a super sweet lady but I think she primarily rides bc that is HIS thing....not necessarily hers.

Anyway....the past few weeks he is texting me all the time....going way overboard in accomodating me and my horses....anything I mention horse related shows up as a "gift" the next day....

I REALLY like this man....as a person. And if he werent married I might even consider dating him. But he IS married and all this attention is really making me uncomfortable. I dont want to change barns but things are starting to get uncomfortable. 

How do I solve this tactfully?? And I am NOT a homewrecker. I have been nothing but kind....but I have NOT been flirtatious in ANY way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

oh, that does sound uncomfortable. do you think you could say anything to the fellow? or would that only make it worse? I don't' envy your position.


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## Northernstar (Jul 23, 2011)

Kudos to you with the maturity in which you're handling this - clearly, he has a 'void' with his horses that his wife isn't fulfilling, although he probably loves her very much. _At the moment_, he has the riding companion (you) that he wishes his wife was, and is being overly exuberant in his excitement. His gifting you is a wee bit in-appropriate. I don't sense any adulterous intentions on his part, just 'excitement in having a riding companion'_.... *however,*_ I would discreetly limit my riding time when I know he isn't there/knows you're going to be there, etc., to avoid _any_ potential problems. When you do encounter him, you should turn all conversations toward asking about his wife - "Hi, Bill! How's Susan doing?" "I'll bet you're thrilled with the flower beds she planted around the property this Spring!", etc. Compliment her on purpose if you encounter him, and in doing so he'll be constantly reminded of his wife when in your presence...that's all I can think of, other than polite refusal for his gifts - don't even mention items you'd like around him. Hope this helps!


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

I appreciate the advice. It would be nearly impossible to ride when he is not there simply bc that is what he does full time now. However I DO think repeatedly complimenting/mentioning his wife is very sound advice. I just dont want to offend Anyone....him OR his wife and yet I love boarding my horses there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boo Walker (Jul 25, 2012)

I would just be really honest and tell him (in that old Victorian way) that you are not comfortable riding alone with him; that you enjoy riding with he AND his wife- it just feels more appropriate for you.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

I would tell him that, while you do appreciate the lovely gifts, that you are just uncomfortable accepting them. I'd just leave it at that right now, and try to avoid mentioning anything horse-related that you may need to buy. He may not realize that he's crossing a line, and if another item appears then I'd just bring it back to him and remind him that you feel uncomfortable accepting the gifts.

I personally don't see any issue with the two of you riding together all the time. After all, it's not the wife's thing! If it makes you uncomfortable though, then try telling him that while you enjoy riding with him, you need to work your horse in a distraction-free environment once in awhile. Say "I'm sorry, but I can't really be much fun today. Horse has been having trouble picking up his left lead, so we're going to go out in the back paddock and work on it away from all of the barn distractions." Or "Horse has been behaving a little buddy sour lately, so I want to go ride him solo on the trails to work on it." Don't lie to him, but every horse has their issues that need to be addressed with the rider in full concentration occasionally. If he STILL won't leave you alone, then you need to be more blunt and discuss the issue with him. 

I think that mentioning his wife in conversation is a good idea. If you're going on a trail ride or something mention that she come along. She may not want to, but reminding him that she IS a part of his horse life could go a long way.


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

If both of your horses are good on trails, can you bring a riding friend? Maybe a male one? You didn't mention an age range-is he retired? 30's? 40's? Do keep mentioning his wife, don't mention things you're wanting-all good advice. When I go on trail rides, I concentrate on my horse, & don't enter into too much conversation. The wind could be blowing, my hearing isn't the greatest-I was thinking about something else-maybe mention a SO? Hope some tips help your situation.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

I'd be asking him if his wife picks out the gifts as you'd like to thank her in person.


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

Saddlebag said:


> I'd be asking him if his wife picks out the gifts as you'd like to thank her in person.


Haha! Good idea!  Anyway....update.

He started texting me this morning and I just politely told him that I thoroughly enjoyed boarding there....that I appreciated his kindness but that I was afraid his "kindness" might give people the wrong impression. ...namely his wife....and that I was uncomfortable with that.

He was gracious and said he didnt want anything to mess up our friendship and that he would tone it down. 

Hopefully problem solved. Thanks again everyone for the input. This is a great forumn with great people. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

Lucky1inKy said:


> Haha! Good idea!  Anyway....update.
> 
> He started texting me this morning and I just politely told him that I thoroughly enjoyed boarding there....that I appreciated his kindness but that I was afraid his "kindness" might give people the wrong impression. ...namely his wife....and that I was uncomfortable with that.
> 
> ...


Glad you've both come to terms with the issue! He'll probably back off a little now, so hopefully visiting your horse will be back to being a comfortable experience!


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Somehow I don't think this is the end of it. He'll just get more careful. Some guy was banging on my door after the bar closed. I recognized his voice thro the door so I asked him for his phone number so I could call his wife that she'd probably be quite interested in knowing where he is. He left, never to return.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Honestly, you sounded a bit over sensitive to me. In my opinion, it just sounded like he was stoked to have a riding buddy.

The gifts may have been a bit over the top, but that's an easy fix.
Sounds like everything is taken care of, either way <3


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

BTW, returning the gifts might be your best bet. That will reinforce what you have told him.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

if he is constantly vying for your attention then this is not a healthy situation.
Return all his gifts and refuse any more of them.
He is the barn owner and the two of you have a business relationship. That is all it needs to be. If the wife and other boarders were included then I would spend time with all of them in a group.
You are being pursued and in a subtle way sexually harrassed. I doubt he would spend so much time texting or money buying gifts for a male riding companion.
he has an ulterior motive I can assure you.
There is no excuse for a married man to act like this. His infatuation with you needs to end. Good luck. Shalom


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

All of this is just so awkward. I tried to "play" off his gifts by stating that appreciated the thoughtfulness of him buying them for me and when i asked what I owed him he wouldn't price anything. At this point I dont even know if he will accept board next month!! 

I am a fairly direct person....but for everone out there judging. ....this isnt the easiest situation to handle.....

Funny how I viewed horses as just a total escape from just human insanity in general.....and now I realize stupidity exists even in a barn!! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP I am not passing judgement on you.
People like the BO know how to manipulate others.
Protect yourself and your reputation. That is all you truly have control over.
You might be flattered by his attention. He is using that to get to you.
Your ego aside you are probably not the first young lady he has manipulated this way.
Be very careful in your dealings with this man.
My advice is coming from someone with a PHD in psychology.
You are aware something is not right or else you would not have posted about your concerns. Shalom


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

I have to agree with DB in that I think this situation is being taken far too lighting it is painfully obvious what this man is doing. He is already dating you in his mind. You have softened the situation a bit, but did nothing to end it.....so it continues.
You essentially told him to be more cautious in his actions and I'm sure he will......until enough time passes.
Why don't we simply say it instead of dancing around it. This is not normal. This is not healthy.


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

Well. Again...I appreciate everyones input. I dont want anything to get blown out of proportion. Like I stated in an earlier post....hopefully it is handled. Like DB stated...all I have control over is my actions. So I am going to continue to enjoy my horses and keep everything in perspective. Not going to make a mountain out of a molehill but not going to be naive either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

I didn't mean to sound overly harsh, but it would appear that all the signs are there and that is why you are trying to create ways to avoid him.

It may possibly be harmless, but why take that chance, it's simply isn't worth it,plus it seems to be affecting your enjoyment of riding. The reason you are there.

I wish you the best.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I still don't see it... "Already dating her"? Where is everyone getting this? It sounds to me like someone is being overly friendly, and everyone is just reading it the wrong way.

Of course, I'm not there... This is just the impression that I'm getting from this thread.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

zexious no married man should text constantly or buy gifts for a woman he is not married to. Period.
At the least it will create suspicion . It might lead to other more serious acts.
His motives are highly suspect. Shalom


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

I text guys on a daily basis that I'm not dating. They're my friends, and my boyfriend is aware and doesn't mind. The gifting is what would concern me- that is just not normal. Definitely give him an opportunity to make it right, but do keep your eyes open to the situation. It can't hurt to be aware of other boarding options just in case things go wrong suddenly. Hopefully you won't need to use it, but it can't hurt to be aware!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

So...basically all of this just stinks. I was trying to be optimistic. ...but it just hasnt turned out like I hoped. Im not going to go into details. Seems inappropriate online. But he has been direct. Not physically. ...not at all. But he is definitely testing the waters through text and now I'm left with a decision to make. Soooo....I guess I'm barn hunting. Not going to make a big deal out of it. Want my move to as drama free as possible. ...but I have to admit im a little ticked off. All the single moms out there know exactly where I'm coming from I'm sure. 

People just dont have any boundaries anymore. It is truly sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

And I wasnt even going to update. Please if u dont have anything encouraging to say dont respond. Guess I just need to vent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thetempest89 (Aug 18, 2013)

I'm sorry he ruined the barn and friendship.


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

Thank u....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I am glad I am not in your shoes, but you are wise to avoid entanglement. It could only get messier.


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

tinyliny said:


> I am glad I am not in your shoes, but you are wise to avoid entanglement. It could only get messier.


Well there's just no sense in it. I mean....time to move on. Simple as that. Of all the problems in life....this one has an easy solution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

I'm really sorry to hear about how things have progresses. I hope that you have already taken the advice of looking for a new barn, but if not then I would start ASAP with the intentions of moving yesterday or sooner. If things are THAT bad then I would probably go back twice- once today to get your tack, and once when you move your horses. And bring a friend, preferably a male. If I weren't so scared of what people do to others animals nowadays I'd tell him to back off or his wife will be told if he tries to approach you again. I don't think anyone is going to judge you based on this situation. This guy has abused your friendship, and it's time to get out, fast. So sorry to hear that he turned a great place rotten for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Foxtail Ranch (Mar 10, 2012)

Lucky, so sorry this is happening to you. you deserve better! People suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

So sorry the worst suspicions were confirmed. Hope you can find a nice barn to move to soon. Meanwhile-be careful.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Lucky glad you found out before anything physical happened.
He is a manipulator and will probably attempt to persuade you to stay.
Do not allow yourself to be alone with him and if you have to be talk to someone on your phone. 
Be direct with him and tell him you are not interested now or ever.
Bring up his wife in the conversation and suggest that she might not be happy if she discovered his true intentions if he persist.
Move as soon as possible. 
Even if you have to break your lease agreement.
This is one of the times I would recommend that someone do that.
if he threatens to sue tell him to go ahead and your side of the story will be heard. No court in the land will award him money if you can prove he has sexually harassed you. Shalom


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## Corporal (Jul 29, 2010)

This is probably for the best. Perhaps HE is the reason why you found yourself the only boarder riding every day. If the relationships were appropriate there, with great facilities you'd have to sign up for times to use the arenas and grounds.
Here's hoping the next barn has some girls who are avid riders, like yourself, so you can have some company. =D


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## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

Lucky1inKy said:


> So...basically all of this just stinks. I was trying to be optimistic. ...but it just hasnt turned out like I hoped. Im not going to go into details. Seems inappropriate online. But he has been direct. Not physically. ...not at all. But he is definitely testing the waters through text and now I'm left with a decision to make. Soooo....I guess I'm barn hunting. Not going to make a big deal out of it. Want my move to as drama free as possible. ...but I have to admit im a little ticked off. All the single moms out there know exactly where I'm coming from I'm sure.
> 
> People just dont have any boundaries anymore. It is truly sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that sucks you have to leave such awesome barn! but for the best I guess. Also it may be just me but I think his wife deserves to know, be subtle about like if she comes on a ride act like you want her opinion (say you want another woman's opinion on something and show her the texts) or screenshot them and send them to her. Personally if I were in her shoes and my husband was trying to cheat (and that is what this is) I'd want to know, he may to it again and the next woman may not have as much sense as you do.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

I disagree DO NOT contact the wife.
This will only increase the drama . His wife probably suspects or is manipulated by him so much she is blind to his actions.
I can assure the OP this is not the first time he has tried this. 
You dont want drama with the barn owner and his wife and IME that is what you will get.
Just leave. Their relationship is none of your business. Shalom


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## Chevaux (Jun 27, 2012)

I, also, am sorry it's not going to work out for you at the place, Lucky. You're doing the right thing, for what it's worth, and you're a better person for your actions.

I think I'm on board with the posters that say get your horses out of there as quickly and quietly as possible. If it were me, I would move them without notice - just show up (preferably with someone else to assist and, dare I say, witness) and take them away as soon as you find another barn. It's the safest thing I can see for both you and your horses and you can then deal with the repercussions, if there are any, from a safe distance. 

Best of luck and please keep us updated.


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

Oh I am not going to notify anyone. Dont have the time nor the patience for drama. I have enough problems of my own without taking on someone elses. And I really dont think it will be a big fuss. I fully expect to be able to leave quietly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. it sounds like you had some very nice accommodations and it sucks you have to move simply because BO isn't fullfilled in his marriage.

For the record/to dbarabians, I was just playing devil's advocate. I do have married, male friends whom I text. We are friends, and nothing inappropriate happens. You really can't make universal statements about other people's marriages.


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

zexious I was not making universal statements about anyones relationship.
No married man should CONSTANTLY text or GIVE NUMEROUS gifts to a woman he is not married to or related to.
I have been a psychologist for over 30 years and counseled numerous couples.
At the worst a married man doing these things has an ulterior motive like the one the OP posted about.
At the least it causes suspicion and jealousy.
Such behavior whether innocent or otherwise has been the cause of many a divorce.
IMPO both parties in a marriage need to avoid any threat real or imagined in their relationship.
I have friends who are married women. I do not talk to them everyday on the phone or buy them gifts except for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions. Shalom


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

^ "Zexious no married man should text constantly or buy gifts for a woman he is not married to. Period."

That sounds pretty universal to me, friend.


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

Zexious, why are you allowing men not your husband to constantly text and buy you gifts? What about that _isn't_ inappropriate behaviour?


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

My reply was to the post that stated the man was CONSTANTLY texting and buying the OP NUMEROUS gifts.
That is not appropriate behavior for any married man. PERIOD. 
I explained why in my reply. Shalom


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Speed-As I put in my last (last-last xD) post, I was just playing Devil's Advocate. I was trying to point out that we don't know the entirety of the situation from the OP's side, or the married man's side. It turned out that you are absolutely right--it was not appropriate. I have expressed my sympathies to the OP: it absolutely sucks what she has to go through.
However, that's not to say that it isn't inappropriate in all circumstances. You don't know what's happening on his end. The wife may know what's going on. She may not care.

Just for the record, I am twenty one years old and not married xD I have had married men buy me things before: with their wive's consent. Dinner after a horse show (with the wife there!), something for the house because I don't know what I'm doing. In my case, these are fatherly gestures. I'm no home wrecker xD

Db-I still view that as universal and a bit assumptions. There are cases when it is alright. Not all marriages work exactly the same way.

These are just my opinions. No one has to agree with me xD


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

dbarabians said:


> My reply was to the post that stated the man was CONSTANTLY texting and buying the OP NUMEROUS gifts.
> That is not appropriate behavior for any married man. PERIOD.
> I explained why in my reply. Shalom


Texting more often than usual and an occasional gift wouldn't be a problem for me. Like I said, I have male friends (AND female friends) that I probably text more often than my boyfriend. I've received the occasional gift from some of them. No harm done, and my mate is well aware of their presence. Obviously, though, the recipient of these actions was concerned. I think that the right thing was done by addressing the issue quietly, but her suspicions were unfortunately correct. IF there was just a misunderstanding he had the opportunity to correct it. He said he would, and then completely crossed the line. 

I agree with not telling the wife while your belongings and animals are there. That will quickly turn an unpleasant situation into a big, potentially dangerous, mess. I still think that avoiding the facility unless you have someone with you is the best idea, so hopefully you can get out soon! I agree that there may be a reason that there are no longer any boarders that ride regularly present...


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## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Anyone in a relationship should avoid any type of behavior that might be suspect. That is simple respect for the feelings of the other person.
Now if that other person demands you cease any communication that is unreasonable.
Keeping the trust in a relationship is a full time job. 
Zexious no you are not a home wrecker but if a married man wanted to be alone with you constantly texted you and bought you things would you not be suspicious of his motives?
Most of my professional colleagues would agree with my post.
I do understand that the advent of texting and instant messaging has changed the way people communicate.
I taught my daughters never to accept any gift not foa a special occasion from a male not related or married to them. Especially an expensive one. Shalom


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## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

dbarabians said:


> I disagree DO NOT contact the wife.
> This will only increase the drama . His wife probably suspects or is manipulated by him so much she is blind to his actions.
> I can assure the OP this is not the first time he has tried this.
> You dont want drama with the barn owner and his wife and IME that is what you will get.
> Just leave. Their relationship is none of your business. Shalom


true...must be the surrounding nosy people had this happened here and someone know a person spouse had tried to cheat and not told the other person hey'd ever hear the end of it...though this town is like a giant high school so that's probably a contributing factor, being around all your life sorta desensitizes you....


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## wyominggrandma (Nov 4, 2009)

Hmm, been married for 37 years and don't text men, other than my husband and my grandson. I have texted men of couples that are our mutual friends for something : questions about my husbands birthday gift" do you think he would like this" type of thing. Very close friends, not just "in passing friends". They would no more buy me gifts than I would accept my husband buying their wives gifts, nor would I accept them. I have lots of male friends because of where I work, as my husband has female friends where he works, but its a work relationship and stays that way. 
Not sure I understand why anyone would think its okay to accept gifts from men that you are not married to , just like I don't think its acceptable for men to accept gifts from women not their wives. 
But then again, maybe that is why my husband and I have been together for over 40 years, married 37 of them. We have our boundries and don't break them.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Lucky1, I'm sorry this has happened. I've known a few men who misinterpret a social "good morning" as a come on. If his wife learned of anything, she'd blame you because if she didn't, she'd have to face dealing with decisions regarding staying with a cheating man or leaving.


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

Stop the drama and be direct. Simply tell him you find it uncomfortable to be accepting gifts from him. If the gift is from him and his wife then ask him what her fav cologne or colors are, and you would like to send a little thank you to her.


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## Lucky1inKy (Sep 22, 2013)

This is the last time I am going to comment on this thread. I appreciate everyone's advice and input. I handled the situation in a way I was most comfortable and now it is over. There is no drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## princessfluffybritches (Aug 10, 2012)

This is mostly likely a no-win situation. Look for another place. Either way it will be your fault.


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