# What a Day to Ride- Finalcanter's riding journal



## Finalcanter

JoBlueQuarter said:


> Sounds like you're doing good! I'm subbing!


Thank you!


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## Finalcanter

I figure I'd make this an open-face journal to talk about all things horse that pops into my mind. So this week's topic...barn friends and a life with horses. The question I ask myself is 'how'. We'd all love to be close like the saddle club haha, but honestly for barn friends, I have few. I have that one special friend that I do nearly everything with at the barn. She sprained her ankle a while back and hasn't been able to ride, but her and I groom and take care of the school horses every weekend. I'm thankful for that. I always wanted true barn friends, but I also wonder about my life after college. At this point I could just walk over to the barn, but in some ways I feel a little like an outsider. Or rather going there alone is a little uncomfortable. I'm just someone who takes a weekly lesson now. As I used to be on my varsity team, it made more sense to be there more often. Nowadays I just have to remind myself to do it for the horses, and nevermind what people may think. I will still treasure the weekends I send with my barn-mate just grooming the horses and catching up. Sometimes you have to walk alone, and it's okay. 

Only time can tell what I'll be doing with horses in the future. I'd imagine taking more lessons or at least continuing them. Living in Long Island is difficult and sometimes I worry about what lies ahead. But I will do my best not to let that anxiety control my thoughts 100%. Today I think I'll go groom Theodore if he's not out for lessons. I need some horse therapy.


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## Finalcanter

These are some pictures from last Thursday..
This is my favorite mare in the barn..even though she's a pony. I was preparing for another crossrail, so leaning forward a bit.


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## mmshiro

Thumbs up for giving the lesson horses some affection "just because". :thumbsup: They enjoy positive attention no less than a $100k prize stallion, and I can imagine that training the horses to realize that "human is coming to get me" isn't always followed by "tough slog in the arena" is good for the entire outfit: horses, trainers, and students. You should be going there with your head held high!


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## PoptartShop

Subbing.  Interested in hearing all about your journey! 
Aw, I understand. I only have like 1 barn friend myself, but really that's all I need. Too many people can get annoying & plus, it's quality, not quantity! 
It is definitely nice to just go & groom sometimes. I feel like that's more rewarding than riding, too. It's just nice to hangout. It can really help with anxiety too, as I suffer from it as well.


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## twixy79

Finalcanter said:


> I figure I'd make this an open-face journal to talk about all things horse that pops into my mind. So this week's topic...barn friends and a life with horses. The question I ask myself is 'how'. We'd all love to be close like the saddle club haha, but honestly for barn friends, I have few. I have that one special friend that I do nearly everything with at the barn. She sprained her ankle a while back and hasn't been able to ride, but her and I groom and take care of the school horses every weekend. I'm thankful for that. I always wanted true barn friends, but I also wonder about my life after college. At this point I could just walk over to the barn, but in some ways I feel a little like an outsider. Or rather going there alone is a little uncomfortable. I'm just someone who takes a weekly lesson now. As I used to be on my varsity team, it made more sense to be there more often. Nowadays I just have to remind myself to do it for the horses, and nevermind what people may think. I will still treasure the weekends I send with my barn-mate just grooming the horses and catching up. Sometimes you have to walk alone, and it's okay.
> 
> Only time can tell what I'll be doing with horses in the future. I'd imagine taking more lessons or at least continuing them. Living in Long Island is difficult and sometimes I worry about what lies ahead. But I will do my best not to let that anxiety control my thoughts 100%. Today I think I'll go groom Theodore if he's not out for lessons. I need some horse therapy.



I understand what you mean about being an outsider. I am a former Long Islander and I now live in Maine. I was not raised around horses, and now, at 30, I own 2 rescues. I have no clue how to ride, and it is something I plan on working on this spring. Whats the use in having 2 great horses if you don't ride or let them work? I have made friends with one of the BOs friends who is always there, and has said she will help me learn to ride. All of the owners there seem nice enough...

All of the boarders at my barn are very nice, but they all ride. For me, I love just going down there and grooming the horses, making sure they are clean, have clean stalls, clean pastures. My BO is always telling me that is what I pay her for, but for me its not about the money, its about getting to spend time with and bonding with my horses. 

I try to just go in there, and do what I want to do. If somebody wants to have a conversation with me, go for it, I won't be rude or anything (or at least I try not to be).


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## Finalcanter

Today's riding lesson was short. Again I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I remembered what people told me: "breathe, you'll be alright." I went out to see my lesson horse and was happy that he was one that I generally enjoyed riding. It took forever cleaning the shavings out of his tail, but as I did so, I felt more and more relaxed. The barn was busy when I first came in- quite a bit of boarders exercising their horses. It was a really nice fall day. When I was ready I went up to the mounting block and off we went- into the arena. As we trotted around the ring, changing direction every corner we were going pretty slow. I coaxed my lesson horse to go faster with a few clucks. We got a better canter a few times around the ring and my coach made me practice half-seat. His words 'stand straight up out of the saddle.' Now that's rather difficult for me to do, and we've practiced this once before. I'm going to look into it because I thought half-seat was two-point. At this point, I'm keeping the canter, gaining speed while standing in my stirrups. It doesn't seem right to me. I sit the canter for a length around the ring and we jump a line- two crossrails- in a not so straight manner. It wasn't terribly off either so I just focused on getting more energy from the schoolie. I think I have a better understanding of how to use my seat. My canter transitions weren't so smooth, though sometimes it depends on the horse and how they make the transition also. Last week the transitions were almost effortless. 

Regardless of the very small hangups in today's lesson, it was fun and I left the barn with horse scent haha. Seeing so many owners today made me go off into wonderland and think about a time in which I might own my own horse. To be able to (after all the hard work) go out on nice days like this one and walk among the trail.


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## mmshiro

Finalcanter said:


> His words 'stand straight up out of the saddle.' Now that's rather difficult for me to do, and we've practiced this once before. I'm going to look into it because I thought half-seat was two-point. At this point, I'm keeping the canter, gaining speed while standing in my stirrups.


Yeah, as far as I know, "half seat" isn't "two-point". In a half seat, you still have contact between your seat and the saddle, albeit much lighter than in a full seat. Imagine being able to push a sheet of paper between your butt and the saddle. "Two point" is a bit of a misnomer because you can't float over the horse's back only supported by your two stirrups: If you do that, and the horse decides to stop or move laterally, you'll keep going like Wile E. Coyote, only that gravity will take effect whether you look down or not. Lock those legs into the saddle if your bum comes up!

Most of the lower jumps can be taken seated, especially on a horse that goes over nice and flat by tucking his legs. I recommend solid contact with the saddle up to and during the take-off - you can certainly use your legs as shock absorbers for the landing. Take it easy and raise your jumps slowly, and you'll develop a feel for what you need to do to allow the horse to move freely beneath you while staying stable.

"Stand straight up out of the saddle" does not work well when your horse goes sideways ("Why is the ground a different color here???") doing 30 mph.


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## Finalcanter

mmshiro said:


> Yeah, as far as I know, "half seat" isn't "two-point". In a half seat, you still have contact between your seat and the saddle, albeit much lighter than in a full seat. Imagine being able to push a sheet of paper between your butt and the saddle. "Two point" is a bit of a misnomer because you can't float over the horse's back only supported by your two stirrups: If you do that, and the horse decides to stop or move laterally, you'll keep going like Wile E. Coyote, only that gravity will take effect whether you look down or not. Lock those legs into the saddle if your bum comes up!
> 
> Most of the lower jumps can be taken seated, especially on a horse that goes over nice and flat by tucking his legs. I recommend solid contact with the saddle up to and during the take-off - you can certainly use your legs as shock absorbers for the landing. Take it easy and raise your jumps slowly, and you'll develop a feel for what you need to do to allow the horse to move freely beneath you while staying stable.
> 
> "Stand straight up out of the saddle" does not work well when your horse goes sideways ("Why is the ground a different color here???") doing 30 mph.


Thank you. Yeah I feel like my coach is explaining it incorrectly or not clearly enough. If I stand straight up I loose balance, yet that's what he wants apparently. I'm going to research it myself.


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## Finalcanter

Grooming of the school horses have started! There's a show going on this weekend at our home stable, and although I'm not showing, I plan on helping out. Doing it for the horses! I hope to chat up some friends along the way but we all might be too busy. Yep that's me.


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## PoptartShop

Aww, helping out will be fun!!  That sounds like a fun weekend ahead, have a good time!


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## Finalcanter

Thinking about what job would suit me after I get my degree. That's off the beaten road and I know I shouldn't place too much worry in it..I'm just trying to think of ways to get my foot in the door. If not, there are retail jobs I can work, though those are becoming a little scarce. At least I'll most likely have a degree, which is a good thing. That is to say IF I am able to take all the classes I need in the spring. My 'life coach' says I'd be great working at a ranch or a stables. I suppose that's another option. I'd just like to have enough to lease a horse eventually leading to purchase. A long term dream...

Anyway, it's too soon to be worrying about the future of job security. I'm not even done with school yet, and I do have a part time job right now. I just need to worry about getting my degree. Today I'll be grooming and taking care of the horses for the show tomorrow.


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## Finalcanter

It was the indoor arena early this morning even though the temperature was nice. The ground was too wet from this morning and last night's rain. The horse I was riding had a slow and steady trot. We spent a long while doing sitting trot, some stirrupless work, checking my position, etc. No jumping for today as the jumps were not up yet. We tried cantering stirrupless- I'm still a bit new to it- and my horse completely turns into a speed demon. Talk about almost flying out of the saddle! I was relieved to have my stirrups back. I don't mind a cantering speed demon with my stirrups!


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## whisperbaby22

You have the most important thing for horses - you get lost in the moment and more relaxed around them. Looking forward to your journal.


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## Finalcanter

Well, the last lesson of the fall semester went well. I was on one of my favorites- we did some cantering and a small jump course. No complaints here, just enjoying the ride.


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## Finalcanter

If anyone can lift my spirits up it's my barn friend. We had a good time grooming the horses today and just catching up over lunch. We'll be taking Christmas pictures at the barn tomorrow.


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## Finalcanter

So with all the chaos going on- okay, not that much chaos, but with my current schedule, I wasn't sure I was going to ride again. I was going to bury this journal. However, I decided to do my school's equestrian club again. I haven't been in the saddle for about a month and a half. I was having anxiety towards the whole ordeal, because my anxiety is a pain in the butt in general. As soon as I put my ridding boots on, I felt much better. Even more so when I was tacking the horse up. 

Our lesson started at 5:30 pm and boy it was freezing. I really love my group! I also like the instructor. To warm up we did several laps of trot work. One of my friend's horses was misbehaving and she did not want to ride him, so I opted to. I had to ride out a few spooks and partial bucks, but everything went okay. Cantering was okay, then we jumped and that was fun. I'll see if I could post a picture perhaps tomorrow.


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## whisperbaby22

Pictures will be nice. We do lead hectic lives nowadays, I'm retired, and I still have to find time to ride.


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## Finalcanter

I'm on the dark brown horse (for lack of better terminology..is he bay? He's really 'dusty' looking lol) My friend and I were having a good time. We switched our horses.


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## whisperbaby22

For one thing it's kind of hard to tell color on these photos. Also, the definition of colors has changed so much, it's hard to say. All colors look good when they are shiny and in good condition.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> For one thing it's kind of hard to tell color on these photos. Also, the definition of colors has changed so much, it's hard to say. All colors look good when they are shiny and in good condition.


Yeah I see what you mean. That's the thing about smartphone pictures. They look good on the phone, but on a website they're pretty faded and grainy.


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## Finalcanter

So I feel like I'm starting to have those feelings again. I can't help other's success or luck regarding horses. Of course after a while of being with horses and learning about them- learning with them- I'd grow to want one. Even if I saved enough money for a lease, which I could, but as a soon to be graduate student- that's a big chunk of money. This becomes now a hobby with an 'end-goal' that may or may not be realistic depending on current situations at the time. Anyway, lessons might be cancelled tomorrow due to weather. Can't dwell on this forever as it's really not health-intuitive for me.


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## Finalcanter

Finalcanter said:


> So I feel like I'm starting to have those feelings again. I can't help other's success or luck regarding horses. Of course after a while of being with horses and learning about them- learning with them- I'd grow to want one. Even if I saved enough money for a lease, which I could, but as a soon to be graduate student- that's a big chunk of money. This becomes now a hobby with an 'end-goal' that may or may not be realistic depending on current situations at the time. Anyway, lessons might be cancelled tomorrow due to weather. Can't dwell on this forever as it's really not health-intuitive for me.


On the same token, the more I'm away from riding, the more anxious _or _indifferent I become about it. It's an odd situation to be in- a fluctuating interest in what you enjoy.


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## whisperbaby22

That could change if you get a lease or eventually buy your own horse. But for now, as a student, your priority must be your studies. We all have different goals with horses. The important thing is that you have a passion for it. You may eventually just be content with lessons, or you my go all the way and buy a place you can keep your own horse.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> That could change if you get a lease or eventually buy your own horse. But for now, as a student, your priority must be your studies. We all have different goals with horses. The important thing is that you have a passion for it. You may eventually just be content with lessons, or you my go all the way and buy a place you can keep your own horse.


Yeah, I've been thinking of how my 'equestrian journey' will continue out of college when access to them may be a little more strained. But life has a funny way of being unpredictable.


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## Finalcanter

Yesterday was a good ride- I was on a paint with tons of speed and he was very quick to respond...though I would've loved to work on him- fixing his 'just because I shorten the reins does not mean break out into a trot without cue from my legs'. It's a possible habit he could've picked up. Either way the arena soon became crowded until it felt like a busy intersection. I tried to navigate the best I could with this fast little horse. He's growing to be one of my favorites to ride. He's also really nice to jump too.


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## Finalcanter

I won't be riding this week, but I did have an interesting experience at the barn today. My friend is a part of the ihsa team- as I used to be- and I decided to watch her ride today. She's still a bit beginner but learning fast. She comes from her lesson and tells me that although she loves it, she doesn't feel like she fits in. She said that most girls don't talk to her even though she's really friendly, and that she gets an air of peculiar elitism. If you don't own or lease a horse, if you haven't been riding for many years, you're not really worth their time. 
This shocked me because this is exactly how I felt when I was on the team. It's a totally real feeling to totally real problem. I told her that I understood why she was feeling that way and that she could confide in me if she was having further issues- just as a friend to chat to. Feeling the 'have vs. have nots' in the equestrian world or a part of a team can really eat away at you. It did for me for quite some time. Only recently have I come to accept the facts. Some people are just lucky. Others work really hard. Some may never attain what they want. It's a hard reality- especially in the horse world, and depending on the demographics in which you live. We live in a pretty expensive place- horse things come at great cost. 
That said, at least now she has someone to relate to- even though I'll be leaving college shortly. Then she'll have to find her own way in dealing with it.


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## whisperbaby22

I'm sorry your friend is having this problem. One of the best reasons to stick with trail, very little snobbism there.


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## Finalcanter

On the nice saturday that it was, my friend and I took a trail ride. It's a pitty only two or three places offer them where we live, but nontheless, we were both very excited! She hadn't been on a horse since an accident about a year ago. I just wanted to get out of the arena and into the wilderness on horseback. We had four others with us on the trail and it was great. I was put on the pony, but I won't complain because she was bombproof!:cowboy:


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## whisperbaby22

Great, glad you were able to get out on the trail.


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## Finalcanter

Trying to get over a little jumping anxiety. I'll post in a separate thread. I'm feeling a few different things right now, none of them overly positive. I'll probably do better next time.


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## Finalcanter

Well, this Wednesday was my last 'club' ride for the semester. It's a bit bittersweet, but last week was good-this week was better. I'll keep it short- I did a full jump course without slowing down or stopping due to anxiety. I figured out how to make precise turns when it came to diagonal jumps (my main issue was turning to get to a jump). So I did it! Unfortunately I wasn't thinking to take a video, but that's okay. Maybe the next time I ride I'll get one. I also somewhat got over my hesitation about cantering to the right (I lean to the left, so making a right turn feels like the horse is going one way and your body going the other way. It throws me off balance badly...). I still have some hangups about that but I did two laps around the arena cantering to the right- without freaking out-so I guess that's something to be happy about too.


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## whisperbaby22

Riding is constantly going 2 steps forward and 1 back. You are doing great.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> Riding is constantly going 2 steps forward and 1 back. You are doing great.


Yeah I'm starting to understand this- Thank you :faceshot:


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## Finalcanter

No pictures on this gorgeous day unfortunately. Then again it wasn't a glamorous lesson. It was hot, every undergarment was soaked. I went back to my old instructor and she is big on form. My last lessons never focused on my form (not that it was bad to begin with). Trainer had a few nitpicks with how I held myself, but all could be corrected. We did sitting trot, which I haven't done in about five months so that was good. We did canter-stop-collect-canter again several times. Doing this helped me learn to sit back to slow a horse rather than pull myself forward. I need more of that exercise. Heels down was a problem, though the stirrups were less of a problem. I'm mixed feelings about this instructor. She coached me for two years and I improve. Had a different instructor that paid not much attention to the body- so I'm coming out of a year 'slump' in that regard. It's going to be tough. I just don't wan't to be too caught up in the tiny details to the point where it may ruin a nice ride. On the flip side, I do want to look good on a horse so..I'll bear some more lessons of, 'arch your back', 'tuck your chin', 'heels down-more down'.


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## Finalcanter

Yesterday's lesson wasn't bad but not good either. I would post a picture but I already know the solution to my problems- so it would be just embarrassing. I'll post it, but understand-

I was practicing the canter going to the right which is my weaker side. My heels wouldn't stay down at all. Yet the whole "heels down", "put more weight in them" forces me to jam my feet down without thinking...the result is a stiff leg and painful feet in the stirrup. I should've thought 'toes up' or 'long leg' instead of pushing down with just my feet- hence the pain- but I just wasn't thinking.. 

The stiffness and the numbness that I felt from doing that caused me to tip my body forward and my foot slid through the stirrup at this time because it became too painful to keep my heel down..Next time I'll try the 'toes up' approach because constantly hearing heels down just doesn't work for me mentally. I need a different image in my mind. I got some videos to help- granted they don't look to good except for some parts where I'm not leaning forward too much. 

I'm looking at other videos from a few months ago and I never leaned, so I'm guessing it's just because of the pain I was feeling.


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## whisperbaby22

Have you discussed all this with your trainer. Feeling this kind of pain is not good. Tired muscles is one thing, but you may need a different approach. Take all this with a grain of salt, because I have never had lessons. But I grew up riding without stirrups a lot. I still sometimes feel more secure without them. 

On the other hand, your horse is doing well and that is what is most important. He seems to be saying "what's going on here" in the photo, but he is balanced and moving forward without tension. That is what counts the most, what the horse is saying, and you are doing well here in this photo.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> Have you discussed all this with your trainer. Feeling this kind of pain is not good. Tired muscles is one thing, but you may need a different approach. Take all this with a grain of salt, because I have never had lessons. But I grew up riding without stirrups a lot. I still sometimes feel more secure without them.
> 
> On the other hand, your horse is doing well and that is what is most important. He seems to be saying "what's going on here" in the photo, but he is balanced and moving forward without tension. That is what counts the most, what the horse is saying, and you are doing well here in this photo.


Thank you Whisperbaby. No, I didn't mention it to my trainer because I thought it was just my position at fauly, since I've never felt that pain before in riding. I'm thinking back to it and maybe my stirrups were a little short. Whatever the case may be I'm glade I wasn't hurting Apache. I'll practice my position next time. I'll stop if I feel the pain again.


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## Finalcanter

Aside from those mixed feelings for today, I cannot complain about free lessons. At all. And today's lesson was very good, on a very good horse (when he's not going crazy)! I cantered for times around the ring before doing jumps. This is progress- before I could barely canter twice around due to not keeping my heels down and slipping my stirrups. I learned something that also helped me a lot- I never knew I pinched with my thighs, so keeping conscious of that really helped.

---
.. found the edit button..


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## Finalcanter

I fell today and thankfully no damage was done. Leave it to me to fall off at a crossrail. Though the horse I've been riding pulled his head down and I went flying. This happened with another horse too. It's just my heels after a jump naturally get level and my weight comes up. I feel a bit disappointed and it was embarrassing..

However.... flatwork is a dream now. My heels can actually go down at the canter for the most part. I'll have to post a picture of one of my good days the past Tuesday.


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## Finalcanter

The kids and I ran into a few issues of mean heartedness and snobbery today at the barn. One person, who was known for being the barn bully, really enjoys pushing past people with her horse including kids. I remember a whole ago she had laughed at one for falling off. A few other issues but I'm not even going to mention them. It makes me a bit upset. I was discussing these things with my friend who will be dealing with all this alone soon. Good luck to her. Karma will deal with these people.


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## Finalcanter

So I haven't posted in this "riding/ranting journal" as each lesson tends to fall under the '0kay-good' category. Nothing to say. BUT my last two lessons were great. I learned a bit too. The first lesson I did a one stride gymnastic, each vertical at 2'. I did it twice since I haven't done one before. I continued with flatwork after. 

The next lesson I did the same gymnastic, took a walking lap and then I added onto that gymnastic, cantering into an outside line (same height). The horse I was riding was pretty balanced over the jumps after a few times. He did have a bit of a right 'drift' however. That's easily fixed though. 

Two fun lessons! Jumping isn't my first love, but I think I love gymnastics Haha.


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## Finalcanter

My trainer is really becoming unreliable with lesson timing and I always need to know beforehand if I have lesson or not. Besides that, even though I'm at the barn for many hours a day working, he doesn't really talk to me outside of lessons. It's odd. Clearly there isn't a good student teacher relationship. Alas, I only have one more week here. I think it's time to switch barns after years being here. The inner politics and horse treatment isn't too great.


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## Finalcanter

Well I'm taking a small break from riding even though I don't really want to... but things happen. I guess I can post a picture or two of my recent rides.


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## Finalcanter

I guess there's not much to talk about here in this thread since I might not be riding as frequently as I once was due to some short term issues (hopefully)- but last Saturday I had one of the best trail rides! Here, there isn't much open land to really feel the wilderness, but this place was tucked in around a very wooded area and it has honestly been my dream to ride horses in such areas on safe, relaxing trails. I'm so glad to have been able to do such- and with a good friend of mine too! It was really nice. I will definitely go back there before Fall ends.


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## whisperbaby22

I'm so glad you were able to find this little area. I live in the big city, and the only thing that keeps me sane is the river bottom trails that I am able to ride. When you are down there, the trees and bushes hide the city, and the wind keeps the noise down. I can really feel like I am in the wilderness. Here's hoping you get that next ride in.


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## PoptartShop

Aww, that's good you had a nice trail ride.  I am sorry to hear you won't be riding as much, I hope the issues subside. That sounds like a relaxing ride, just what you needed. Switching barns is what may be best, I am glad you aren't staying where you aren't welcome/being treated right.


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## Finalcanter

So it's been many months out of the saddle and yet I find myself here again. Some maturation has been done, some problems persist, but everything should be taken in stride. I thin I've had this account for quite a few years now and looking back at the very low points is a learning process. Even now. I am horse-less and lesson-less currently. So this journal may be a little less 'horsey'? At least for right now. 

I managed to finally snag a job as I continue to look for a more beneficial/stable one. Right now however I'm going to take care of myself...I have the flu this late into spring, so I'm trying not to stress about things. My mindset has been up and down a lot, but I've been pretty calm these past few weeks. I really miss riding, and seeing the people I know have riding opportunities is sometimes a tough pill to swallow, but the main concern before any lesson is finances. I need to be back where I was and more--and I will get there. Discipline is needed. It's funny-once you get out there in the real world, you start following advice you never thought you'd listen to. I guess you stop being a kid in a way. 

Anywho, if anything 'horsey' is to be done soon, my friend and I were gifted tickets to see the Belmont race again, and along with her some family will be there too. I hope there will be lovely weather just as last time. 



-yes I know this is an 'old thread' but it's my journal thread.-


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## whisperbaby22

Yes it matters to get finances stabilized. It's tough not being able to ride, but as this is your journal, anything you want to put here is justified. Enjoy the Belmont, it's going to be a free for all.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> Yes it matters to get finances stabilized. It's tough not being able to ride, but as this is your journal, anything you want to put here is justified. Enjoy the Belmont, it's going to be a free for all.


Thank you Whisperbaby! I 100% agree


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## Finalcanter

So my first lesson back was on the hottest day of the week and I was pouring sweat. But I was so happy- I missed a lot about horses and the barn (this was a different place I went to than my usual barn). I'm still sore as heck, and my balance was horrific (I should've put my stirrups longer though I didn't seem to notice until I saw some interesting chair seat in the pics. Oh boy was that embarrassing to look at haha). Gone (at least right now) are the days of winning flat equitation shows, though with a little bit of time, I'm sure my body will be caught up. 

It was all and all really nice to be back in the saddle! I did mostly trotting and sitting trots, and I'm expecting the same for my next lesson as a means to ease back into things. I had to take several short breaks in between all of that. The horse I had was a saint and she was 'slow' but that helped me a lot with just re-learning muscle memory. 

I'm really happy to get into this again! Even if it's just a few times a month.


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## Finalcanter

Even though I'm able to ride again, I do kind of miss tacking up and doing more ground work that my prior barn allowed me to do (even take out other schoolies and brush them off and what not). I mean nothing is really stopping me from visiting both barns (well, except for driving). The rates of lessons are the same...I guess I like the freedom of the other barn. It's just a bit of a driving issue since I'm technically a new driver and am easily intimidated by large intersections lol. That said, once I do start driving, I will be happy to spend my time in both places and see old friends and meet new ones. 

I _may _go over this weekend and visit my friends at the previous barn and we'll do groundwork and catch up as usual. It'll be fun. I personally never liked doing a 'lesson then leaving' unless I had somewhere to go afterwards. Being at the barn is calming and I try to spend as much time as I had there. Many people there take lessons in different areas too, so it's not all that taboo haha. Everyone seems to like to hop around to get knowledge of the barns in the area.


----------



## Finalcanter

Yesterday's lesson went very well, and no sore body! A far cry from my first re-learner lesson. I wish I got a video but it was busy, and I get the feeling my trainer at this new place.... doesn't want to waste time (I hope i'm wrong). Not so much of an issue if I do what I said in my post above. I like my trainer so far when it comes to riding, anywho. 

Lots of trot work which went pretty well. Also navigating a crowded arena which is a must here.


----------



## Finalcanter

Went to barn#2 (the original) on the weekend and got to catch up with a friend which was nice. Also learned how to drive a manual car which was.... interesting. I enjoyed my time there, even though it was nearly a ghost town when I went, brushed a horse or two and spent the remainder of my time pretty nonchalant. I hope to catch another good friend there at some point as well.


----------



## Finalcanter

I enjoyed my lesson last saturday even if we didn't do much. I got to talk to a few families and riders and that's what I enjoyed most. The trainer I switched for on that day was great- a trainer that you click with really makes the difference. But due to my random and hectic schedule, I might be stuck working with two different ones. I still can't really get over to the other barn I really want but I guess that'll come with time. It's just frustrating because now that I have sunday off...this newer barn only does group lessons on that day. So I can't even ride on my day off which I had planned, unless I want to ride with (most likely) children? I don't understand- or like- this weird schedule of group days only and private lesson days only. I suppose when I get over to barn #2/the one I want to be at, maybe sunday can be my day to go there. Maybe this can work out. But I'm not riding this week, and private lessons don't start at the new barn until thursday. -sigh- 

Most barns are 40 minutes away from me, I wish I was closer so that I had a greater sample of barns to go to. Ones that might let me tack up and cool down the horse, like I used to. It just feels as if I'm waiting for a better opportunity....waiting for a while. I guess you can say I'm being impatient to just get up and go. I might be a rider, but at this new barn given the limitations, I barely feel like a well rounded equestrian. It really is the simple things..


----------



## whisperbaby22

The important thing is that you have the drive. Opportunities will come.


----------



## Finalcanter

So with a lot of stress from work and unfounded blame gaming, the past two weeks has been really tough. However this past sunday I made good on my promise and I DROVE to the stables for the first time. I spent time with three of my very good friends (basically my barn family) and we haven't been together all at once in a long time. It was so much fun catching up. 

The day was gorgeous and I was riding outside (which was great, although the ring was partially flooded to one side). My stirrups were a mess and kept sliding to the back of my feet at times BUT when I saw the video of my cantering, I was surprised. I went equally well in both directions (going to the right my balance always feels off), and I wasn't 'popping' out of the seat! I wasn't really doing anything differently, I guess some time off indirectly helped in a way. 

After the lesson, my friend wanted to see her boy and encourage him to step higher (he's been tripping a little over the ledge in his stall). It's not so much of him getting older as it is him not really paying attention and walking in slowly. I helped her practice with him over cavalettis. It was a pretty nice improvement just with that exercise, and he cleared the ledge a few times. Afterwards, I went to go see my favorite pony in the barn, groomed her while my friend groomed her favorite boy, and we took them for a little bit of grass. 

It was at this point where my other two close barn friends snuck up on us (she had photos to take and moved them to today.) We helped get the horses they needed and cleaned them up, bath and all. They dried pretty quick under the sun. I could not stay for the photoshoot as I wanted to get home before it got dark (unbeknownst to me of the major detours in the road that night...ugh). But it was probably the best day of the summer for me. I've been away from horses for a while and I finally got to 'get back into it' plus doing what I used to that was somewhat..denied at the other place. 

Sundays are very good for my friends as well, so maybe this can be a 'regular' or semi-regular thing.


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## Finalcanter

I realize that if I was to push up my riding to twice a week (on occasion)...I'd have to wait until the summer camps end. I like to ride mostly in the mornings because it's relaxing (let's say 9-12). The camps run late. They end late august, so not to much further now. I'll see how everything plays out.


----------



## Finalcanter

Rode a horse with a lot of impulsion- very lofty and I honestly loved every bit of it! As much as I love the easy flatter gaits of most TB's, I'll be honest and say as far as riding, the gaits this horse offered would be something I would definitely look for in a future lease or own. Nothing wrong with flat gaits either I love those too! I guess when the time comes I'll have to make that decision (among other things like ground manners). It was a pretty nice day out last week! This week was a little grey and dreary. However, I had the chance to ride with my friend whom I haven't seen in about a year- so that was very nice!


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## Finalcanter

So as I said I would do- I tried out a different barn last weekend. I rode at the usual spot on saturday and on sunday I wanted to try a lesson with my friend's old trainer. Sunday was also a great day for the 'barn family/pony club' to meet up, and so we did. It was a wonderful time, and we honestly haven't seen each other in a while. 
The second barn is literally about 15 minutes away, and I enjoyed the lesson. My current trainer is a bit busy right now so perhaps the other can fit me in early on sunday morning if they have the time. But even better- on sunday a few friends and I are hitting the trails for a good few hours and we are all so excited! Can't wait! 

I didn't get many pictures Saturday of my riding, just this awkward shot haha..


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## knightrider

> I'll be honest and say as far as riding, the gaits this horse offered would be something I would definitely look for in a future lease or own. Nothing wrong with flat gaits either I love those too!


So, of course, the solution is that you will have to get two horses, one of each!:smile:


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## PoptartShop

I think it's great you tried out a different barn/trainer. It's always good to get another person's perspective too with your riding. The trail should be a good time, too!


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## Finalcanter

Yesterday was wonderful- weather wise and beyond. Started out with a lesson that was on a rather quick horse. While I'm okay with fast horses, this one didn't have much in the way of breaks. I suppose that can also teach me a few things about body posturing and seat cues too. We started outside but went in the indoor arena (which was freshly combed over and quiet in the early morning- I loved it. Though some dusting could be in order haha). I was much nicer to canter with a wider area.

Fast forward a few hours and it was about noon. I was going to meet some friends at the other barn for a trail we had planned.
I always miss hanging out with the 'crew'/'pony club' so I was pretty excited! We've gone here before but that was over a year ago. That said we had contacted the trail guide we knew and she took us out- just the three of us much to our relief. Much to _her _relief, she was so happy to get riders other than beginner walkers for a trail. We went about two miles out or more through winding brush and clear openings- walk trot and canter. It's very hard to find places that let you do it even if you're experienced). It was wonderful, we had a blast! So much so that we are already planning more trails at this area. 

The horses were well behaved together for the most part. It has been my want forever now to be able to go out into the wilderness a bit and just feel free on top of a horse. I'm the type that goes 'arena crazy' after a while so this is an experience I want to repeat several times over. I'm over the moon with happiness from it.

:cowboy:


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## Finalcanter

So it was a gloomy morning on saturday but I find my sunshine here! Got to ride one of my friends favorite schoolie- a long necked, long jumper. I'm talking about jumping several feet behind the fence. I held him closer to it to correct some of this. I fell behind him a few times but he gave me some sort of confidence. He's good once you wake him up. I can't believe I used to jump much higher before my year break (2'6). I have to refocus and relax a little more. Some pictures from that day below..

Might be going on a later this week. Work might clash with a lesson but there's always a back up lesson on a separate day. Hopefully, anyway.


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## egrogan

Love your pictures. Very cute horse. Keep having fun!


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## Finalcanter

So sunday was a nice crisp fall day..I kind of underdressed (I knew I should've worn one of my riding sweaters).

I think finally I got the hang of sitting the canter during my lessons. Speaking of which, I have to confess that I had a double lesson which is amazing (different horses of course). I don't take those days where I can get more riding time for granted.

my second trainer pushed my lesson up in time. In the first lesson I did a lot of no stirrup work and should've thought better about jumping in the second lesson. I wasn't expecting the earlier lesson or rather my legs weren't. But I did so anyway. We cantered to the jump, cleared it, went to the second and my legs buckled! Or a better way of explaining, I didn't quite lose my stirrups but there was no weight in them/my heels crumpled. I tumbled off, didn't get that on camera, so I can only imagine I fell on my non existent butt and my back. 

Once I assessed I was okay, I got back on to finish that little course but trotted in (teeny jumps here. The days of me doing 2'3-2'6 aren't over but they aren't coming soon.) Also more and more I prefer all four hooves on the ground. Some part of me really really wants to dabble in dressage. But I didn't really care about the fall persay, I was happy I got to my goal of sitting the canter! took long enough to be consistent with it.


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## knightrider

You look really good up there!


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## Finalcanter

@knightrider

Thank you! Sorry for such a late reply


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## PoptartShop

I think you look great!  Glad you are okay, and you got back on after the fall which is even better! Sounds like you are doing well!


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## Finalcanter

@PoptartShop thank you! I'm trying my best ha..
___


I wanted a breather, and at first I was a little disappointed with how the lesson today was going...horse was fresh, I was really hesitant to canter many times and I think i've become a nervous rider overtime..BUT I realize so many good things came out of the lesson today: I sat a few spirited crow hops pretty well (that's a plus imo lol), I got to ride for a good amount of time, and my trainer really wants to work with me-and is. 

I thought I was a bother because of my work schedule or me being a bit of a re-rider (kind of), but that judgement was totally wrong! The lesson didn't feel too amazing I admit but I was told I rode well on this horse- and honestly.. this horse challenged me too. Trying to get over my hesitation about speed and unpredictability. My trainer said she wants me to ride him next time for sure because she thinks we're a good match right now. 

I haven't been to the other barn because i've been working for part of the weekend and work has been stressing me out,so this is good. I have to slowly build goals to work towards keeping my mind busy. I think i'll take a lesson Tuesday depending on the time.


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## PoptartShop

Look at that, positive thinking!  It sounds like the trainer wants to help you, & that the horse is a good match for you, which is awesome. You want the horse to challenge you, that's great! Excited to hear how your next lesson goes!


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## Finalcanter

I had a pretty good day yesterday.
(Intertwined with the confession thread a bit here as usual)

So I went out to have my lesson after about a month of not sitting on a horse. Sometimes I get antsy to go back, and other times when I'm out of it, I'll just kind of be nonchalant about it. Very dependent on weather haha! It of course was raining and I was nervous about my car hydroplaning or something- I had checked the tired and surprisingly I noted they were not as bad as I had thought they were (still thinking of changing two of them as the right back is newest and the left front is oldest...I just don't want too much of a money sink since I m planning on getting a new car very soon). When I left the rain wasn't bad at all (when I left, that's a different story).

I also knew I was going to be in the indoor arena, and it was already 3pm so it would be getting dark by the time I got back. The indoor was actually pretty calm which I always love when it's nice and quiet. I rode the horse I fell off of- who I usually love regardless due to his go- we cantered quite a few different maneuvers! That was a big deal for me, I only almost collided with someone once because my depth perception is very 'meh'!..I am not used to cantering so much (or rather continuously as many horses at the barn love to break into a trot). I was a bit iffy about the speed, but cantering continuously doing different maneuvers is something that's been a priority for me for a while now out of getting bored with doing it halfway around the ring with other horses. I always feel like 'yes this is how it should be'. I don't mind an occasional break, but it's different. Anywho, I did everything in two-point again, and normally I hate two point, but it feels different with this horse. It feels better. That said, being an ex-racehorse (I love riding them) the breaks needed fine tuning. Really they were non existent-we went around four times after the initial 'um okay that's good..can we slow down?' phase. He responded really well to my leg though so making turns and such was really nice. It's a shame, once you get nice horses to ride like this (not saying they don't have their own issues)..you really don't want to go back to the ones you have to waste half the lesson nagging to stay in a gait. 

Driving from the place wasn't so bad at all, the dark and the rain did catch me but I took a deep breath and took it by stride. At that point I couldn't wait to get home and relax. At the end of the day, I smelled of horse and was just happy things went better than expected!


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## Finalcanter

Today's journal...
Thought I could do something, prepared to do something, and found out that it was simply not meant to be. It's really hard to have horses as a hobby. Every time I say I'm okay with it, why does it feel like a nasty sting in the gut? Maybe because nothing like it can compare. And that's the very problem. 

I guess it's not the time....I'm pretty bummed. I'm also bummed that this is a serious trigger for me--but only during certain times. I think it hurts so bad because I thought and prepared to make a plan/move...but it just doesn't play out right. It was not what I thought. I think my pride is preventing me from falling into the unstable zone because this is so...similar to a child throwing a tantrum, and I'm ashamed at myself for feeling this yet again. At the same time, I've disconnected completely a few times before and I felt a deep nothingness so that's not the answer either. 

I believe the answer is just to keep on, save what I can, and wait. That's all I can do.


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## knightrider

I don't know what went wrong today, just wanted to give you (((((cyber hugs))))). So sorry it was a lousy day. Hope things improve soon. I've been thinking about your post all day and wishing things were better for you.


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## Finalcanter

knightrider said:


> I don't know what went wrong today, just wanted to give you (((((cyber hugs))))). So sorry it was a lousy day. Hope things improve soon. I've been thinking about your post all day and wishing things were better for you.


Aw thank you! It's really a first world problem, and I have no control over it right now. But some things just really hit me deep. I am torn--some days I want to just forget about riding and horses, but I'd cut out a passion that means a lot to me. I would bring it up to my therapist but she doesn't quite get the horsey thing and it is what it is: a money pit. It makes me happy but it's hard to justify with that alone. 

I am okay with saving, but it makes me very frustrated at the same time. I can wait but the more I do the more disappointed or angered I get. I don't know what to do, I have to keep this in check...preferably without medications. I often enjoy working to get towards a goal, I don't always want instant gratification--but we're dealing with something deeper I guess. And horses just awaken the best and the ugly in my emotions I guess. I don't know what's best for my mental health in this case..

All that said, I really do appreciate your concern <3..thank you.


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## Finalcanter

@knightrider

Sorry didn't mean to mentality dump all that on you..

I'm sure in a few days i'll be fine. It's an off and on thing...


----------



## Finalcanter

So after some sleep I've decided to process some things. On this rainy morning I took a deep breath and decided that this stress is not worth it. It's just built up on old responses, old leftovers from a time where anxieties and other bad things ruled my life. Which brought me to my vent journal.. why in the world was I holding onto such a hard to read thing? To continue this cycle? It's only helpful to a point. 

I had recently gotten a journal, it's nearly blank, but I wanted it to be positive, and if there was negativity in it- for it to be constructive. Not overly dark, not rage filled...as I have a good outfit for that now-- weightlifting and exercise. Writing never was a full therapeutic thing for me, but after physical exertion then my mind clears..it really is wonderful. But this morning i'm not sure what was changing. I feel a need to go back to what worked, what made me feel comfortable but not stagnant. So I lit a nice candle, whispered a few mantras and set off to work. 

To hold onto feelings I've had for years about horses. It's hard to adjust from where I was with my riding to where I am now.. and yet back then I felt worse at times. My mother once said that money is helpful but people are the ones that take you places. I realize that true problems of the mind don't get solved by money.... they get avoided. Distracted. 

This is the actual physical journal entry:

Well then.. after a good work out and rest..I realized a few things. These feelings are old responses to old problems. Holding onto a vent journal is only good for in the moment, and i've found zen through exercise so I tossed it. It is not truly me anymore and i'm not going to carry that around needlessly. Even with new challenges, why hold on to what was? Anyway..it felt better than keeping around old baggage just to write new baggage and ruminate. A suitcase can only fit so many clothes. Sometimes it's best to toss things out than to buy one with more room. That's when it hit me this morning- self perseverance and trying to see past the annoyances and deep scars takes more strength than it will ever take just to stay angry, stay depressed, etc. Not to say those moments don't come up, but I prefer to do something. Not wallow and pack more stuff into a full suitcase. 
Perhaps this is why I vent here instead- it gets scrolled up and turns old, and i'll never see it again. It stops a cycle. It stops a thought from becoming an avalanche and instead it becomes a "gee that was awful, now what can I do to feel better in this moment". I think this is a small moment of growth. Or a sliver of who I already was/am. I don't just feel okay this morning. I feel strong


----------



## Finalcanter

Had a mini photoshoot with a horse that I've grown to really like, and have been paired up with a lot! My friend is a photo-maniac lol, we had to do this- it was such a nice day!


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## knightrider

Beautiful! You look so happy and relaxed.


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## whisperbaby22

Yea, lovely horse. I understand what you are saying, and sometimes venting can be a way to release the pressure. But you do not want to wallow in it.


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## PoptartShop

Awww, the pictures are great.  You look so happy! And such a cute horse too, I hope you continue to hangout with them and ride!


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## egrogan

Glad you're partnered up with a horse you're enjoying right now- I'm a sucker for a pretty bay. The pictures are awesome. I think sometimes _I_ am that "photo crazy" friend and am always photo spamming people with pictures from their rides :hide: 

Sometimes I can convince my lovely husband to take a bunch of pictures if he's around when I'm riding, but I always wish I had more pictures of me on my girls. 

And, we all need a good vent. This forum seems a great place to do it.


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## Finalcanter

@knightrider @whisperbaby22 @PoptartShop

Thank you very much! It was a fun day~
@egrogan
Haha yes I do love bays a lot. And I usually don't mind about the picturesque photo-shoot friend, though it does make me ant to do my best (I remember some of my greatest riding photos came from lessons where I've fallen off, was 'eh' or on occasion really good!). I try to keep a running record of my rides, whether that be on my little hobby social media or just in my camera.


----------



## Finalcanter

Riding went well both weekends, the weather was really good and sunny. I had a much easier time getting the canter (I think i'm, after four years, finally understanding how to use my seat...). I have a habit of tensing up and tipping forward, and I have tried to work on it before.

*But just as I started to, this pandemic happened and closed the barn. Now that I have my lesson back each week, I think I understand what my trainer said about driving with your seat.

I never did get it, and always had difficulty cuing and keeping the canter on a horse that needed seat aids more than leg (at this barn, schoolies are either or, sometimes responding better to leg or better to seat). I try to make the most of my time at the barn since it is limited, so I am always reviewing things here and testing them. 

I found that if I sit back a bit literally on my seat bones my the horse will respond much better for the canter. I know people say sit deep, but that phrase forced me to sink down in a way that was not what I felt. That was the problem-it was a tense sit. Being on my actual "seat bones" felt as if I was slightly leaning back (I wasn't on film, I guess i'm just not used to it), but now I get how that feels and how that frees the horse to move! It clicked in my mind, it only took four years on and off HA.

*it's funny because I did make this correlation while cantering on the trails a few months ago- driving with my seat, and I think the western saddle really helped, but I just didn't translate it to an English saddle for some reason. So maybe I had that muscle memory already and it just clicked again. 

This is why I love riding- its a challenge physically, mentally and emotionally at times! 

After getting out of the arena, my mother and I headed into Brooklyn. We usually walk together now that she's been temporarily furloughed. I've wanted to walk the Brooklyn bridge for a long time. It had been years since I last did it. It's such a magnificent, timeless structure, one that came with great costs to build. I think i'll always be in a deep awe for such bridges, but that's a personal tangent aside.


----------



## Finalcanter

I've been comparing the pros and cons or leasing versus buying--I'm nowhere near my ability to do either currently, but I think my opinion has changed somewhat on certain things. I always wanted to long term lease, but did not take into account that if I half lease, the horse will be being used by other people and the horse could have burnout. I've once dreamed of leasing a schoolie but realized this would be a devestating problem.
Currently I don't plan on moving up in any discipline and I have always seen people lease to move up or test something new. Not to say teach a horse new things!

I also realized that buying a horse does not mean you are stuck with them forever into their golden years. I was always frightened about ownership because of the possibility I might not be able to sell an older horse if push came to shove, but selling is only one option. Charities and forever homes are a thing (with research of course)! Some people really do enjoy pasture puffs..

I never expected such a change of my opinion (not in a bad way either, just in a 'different perspective' way). If situations are favorable in a few years and I could own a horse and have the time and funds board him or her (and vet\shoeing costs), and if I have no true desire to keep moving up (but might try a thing or two)....why throw my money constantly for lease agreements? It really is going to depend on the situation I am in the future. I'm curious to see how this is going to play out and if my opinions will continue to swap. 

Right now my savings on horsey things is going very slow- 2k slow. That is because I am very rapidly (and proudly) saving for a new car! So that has actually got me thinking about the whole lease thing as well, but I figured it best to outright buy one--especially now with the pandemic, dealerships are being very forgiving and being rushed to just get older models out. This will be the first major milestone goal I've worked up to. Seeing my savings over several long months go to potentially zero will hurt- but the reward is my own car. Once that happens, god willing I move to a much more promising job, I can work on my horse fund, which will no doubt take a while as well, but in the meantime I might be able to get some lessons in, or any other horsey thing. 

.
.
or maybe I'll win lotto HAHA, that'll put things into motion pretty quick lol :racing: hey one can dream!
I've been thinking of my love for thoroughbreds which I got from my grandfather. In an ideal world, I'd love a thoroughbred cross of some sort, maybe a bit more thoroughbred-y. They're such an abundant horse and they have so much 'try' and willingness--they stole my heart. They also, depending on show records or lineage, come at "my" affordable price ranges. I think I should start setting up a price point of what I would pay out the gate if I was to own, while continuing to save money for care expenses...and just in case if I ever change my mind and decide to just lease, that money will be there regardless. Right now I'm thinking I'd be most comfortable paying $3-6k for a horse that is just a w/t/c with a brain to learn new things. Not green, but not a total schoolmaster. All this can change though.


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## whisperbaby22

I think you have to decide if you want a horse, or just to ride. If just riding is your priority you should lease until you for some reason you decide to buy. If you want that intimate relationship with one horse, and that becomes more important in your life, start looking around.


----------



## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> I think you have to decide if you want a horse, or just to ride. If just riding is your priority you should lease until you for some reason you decide to buy. If you want that intimate relationship with one horse, and that becomes more important in your life, start looking around.


I definitely agree! I won't know until a while down the road though so I'm just brainstorming. One think that deters me mainly from leasing is feeling micromanaged from the owner or barn. Feeling very limited and watched over like a hawk..It really irks me at times and that is not going to change. But other situations will change. Anywho, I guess it's fun for me to just brainstorm.


----------



## Finalcanter

It was another hot day today, even with my early lesson.... probably was already climbing to the high 70's when I got on. It was pretty quiet at the barn, but it was very relaxing. I definitely prefer it.

*I got the horse with the huge strides which I really liked him the first time I rode him. It would be the second time riding him and he was great once he got going... which took all of my leg muscles-- all of them.. I was completely drenched after the lesson.* 

----------

I've been exercising routinely for several months now, upper and lower body but i'm here wondering 'do I really lack leg strength? Or is it because my calves are too small to be effective?' Cinnamon definitely wasn't plodding along like the lesson horses that are dead to the leg (he was kind of dead to the crop though,.. he was a police horse so i'm assuming most things don't phase him anyway). It could've been a combination of things. I can check "lower body day" off my list for sure! 

He was the horse I always wanted to practice my canter seat on due to his large strides. I find it easier. I think i'll have to retrain my body's canter transition: i'm bouncing into the canter. So i'll just have to find what works-- so far two pointing for a stride and then sitting works for me. 

Some positive feedback-
My trainer said my seat was actually good in the canter, it's just the transition. She likes me on this horse so we'll see who i'm on next time. She said I do better than I think,* it's difficult to get a right lead canter on this horse and that I had gotten in right away, twice. Funnily right lead is my bad side too, so personal triumph!


----------



## Finalcanter

Today's lesson was frustrating. I'm tired of riding horses that need to be constantly driven on. I don't have the time or money to waste on that. Some lessons are better than others, but every lesson is becoming the same unless I get a good horse. 

I feel like a beginner again. What happens when you need horse time for your sanity yet horse time is also causing insanity? 
..God, I just need to get out of this area and get life on track. 

All week I wait for a lesson. A good lesson. I need to look forward to something else. Maybe my drawings and such. Riding is not worth the emotional investment i've given to it currently. I'm trying hard to break the ties, starting with today. Trying not to cry from disappointment (I'm not much of a crier but right now it feels...uh feasible?)

On that note, i've got some art to do and people to talk to!


----------



## knightrider

That sounds no fun. Any chance you can lease or buy?


----------



## Finalcanter

knightrider said:


> That sounds no fun. Any chance you can lease or buy?


I'm currently in no position to do either unfortunately. I did have a better lesson this week but i'm sure those same frustrations might pop up until I can finally do that.


----------



## Finalcanter

So I did end up having a better lesson yesterday...I was put on one of my favorites and we were moving quite well (I haven't been on him since the whole pandemic lockdown). I did have to two point the canter to avoid agitating his back though, but we made it around the arena several times without much stop. 

That said since this horse is normally quick I tend to have some degree of difficulty with jumps on him. So of course I took a tumble at the first jump lol.. But I hoped back on and we went over the jump a few times pretty decently so, i'm happy about that!


----------



## Finalcanter

Did some canter work on kyle including some alternating half seat work and sitting the canter which my butt was actually glued to the seat at last! He's harder to sit for me due to his flat strides. 

We worked on keeping rhythm while I was doing half seat and full seat exercises and it was a great way for me to see where my balance was. I admit it looked pretty hairy on video because I switched every few strides (but my seat in practice was light which is probably why he kept going at the same pace). I think this was a great exercise to distinguish leg cues and seat cues- knowing what your body is doing.


----------



## egrogan

You and Kyle look like a great fit (what a cute name too). He looks like he's going along happily so sounds like things were working out well.


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## Finalcanter

egrogan said:


> You and Kyle look like a great fit (what a cute name too). He looks like he's going along happily so sounds like things were working out well.


I love him! Thank you!


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## Finalcanter

So on friday I recieved a text from my trainer-- she's stepping away from training and in place would be someone she knew. 

After a bit of a downward 'tailspin' saturday night I needed time at the barn. Sunday morning my friend came through. It was the longest time I've spent at the barn since lessons started back up. I rode early before the rain- the new instructor seemed pretty good so i'm interested in how things will play out. I might enjoy riding a lot more now who knows. My friend and I* cleaned a few buckets, brushed and gave treats to a few horses..it was overall really nice and I do kind of miss the work.. 
We ate a nice lunch, and by that time rain was moving in. We are currently talking about future barn plans. I almost miss living 5 minutes away from this place--if only it didn't cost an arm and a leg, HA. However* it really are the people-the friends- who make barn worth being at (and of course the horses)!


----------



## Finalcanter

I've been following a riding page that goes over the physical mechanics of riding and it really does help me visualize. I was so ready to ride this morning and practice my seat.

Welp, I got the wild child of a horse- the one a few weeks back I kind of leapfrogged off of. Practice my seat I did---oh boy. My recently acquainted trainer wasn't familiar with his antics but I sure was. I did my best though, and i'm proud of myself for not backing out. Three times he somehow got me sitting in front, literally in front, of the saddle. I can assume that was from me not sitting as deep in the saddle- but I wasn't too far forward to be pulled above his head. 

I did sit a good number of his crow hops and stunts. My trainer had to hop on him for a bit though, which for me was great because I got an actual visual of this fresh horse being fresh lol. She let me back on and we did a few more laps at the trot (minimal stunts but he tried, and I sat). I also talked to him which seemed to make him react positively. 

Essentially I did get to work on my seat though not as expected. My trainer, who was learning all the horses at the barn still said she thinks I have great potential as a rider, and she would love to put me on Beau again later on when I have more practice- though she and I both acknowledged the more you ride horses like him, you actually gain a wealth of knowledge. I think I did- this lesson was unexpected but good.


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## Finalcanter

This past saturday I went on a guided trail (haven't been there since January). It went pretty well!

To preface, this was planned earlier* but we got rained out of the week so we (barn friend and I) settled on a different date. It was a nice sunny day for it. Unfortunately my friend forgot to specify a private trail* (because we know the guide well and we usually have our own adventures)...so we got put with the "never been on a horse" crowd. That said, it did make me nostalgic to hear so many people either surprised or terrified of their horse trotting, and* a lot of laughter. 

I got put on a pretty well behaved horse- very relaxed. Even when some of the horses were taking advantage of their beginners (little grazing snack time opportunities xD). 
We stayed in the very back and created ample space to canter our horses and have our own fun out on the trail. There weren't many picture opportunities as we pushed forward (not to mention all the dust that rose up from the trail herd)! Maybe next time.. 

I do like that barn. Not for its appearance much, but for its atmosphere. It's a different world from where I ride. To be honest, I like a bit of both- relaxation but also the "show barn" vibe (a focus and training atmosphere as riders go along). I'm really hoping that when I move, i'll be able to find good stables in reasonable distances (which in the carolinas I don't think that should be hard *knocks on wood*). 

After the trail my friend and I as usual got something good to eat and had some great conversations about literally everything. It was such a good day.


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## whisperbaby22

Sounds like a fun day.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> Sounds like a fun day.


It certainly was! My lesson on sunday afterwards was also really good.


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## Finalcanter

'Horse Thoughts'
This will be an addition to my online personal journals as well as somewhat of a continuation of my HorseForum journal. It's about time I really focused on this passion in this life and not have it muddled down by other things going on in other journals. 
This will be the first entry!:
__

I've never really had a "dream breed" of horse. The closest I get now is my like for thoroughbreds after having ridden several. I know their feet tend to be poor, they are sometimes downhill... but something about them settles well with me. That said, if I were to create a dream breed, it most certainly would have to be a TB cross of sorts. I can't say appendix because i'm not truly a quarter horse fan. Warmblood seems nice and very common to cross with but i'm unsure. I've seen friesian TB crosses, and Spanish/Iberian crosses and my heart just gravitates towards them. Of course, with so many crosses, i'll have to do my research! 

I've always imagined falling in love with a plain ol horse and as stated at the beginning, never had a dream breed(s).... perhaps until now. I am just riding for the journey, no major goals. I don't need some proven breed. But something to "fix" the TB issues would be pretty ideal. Even more ideal: nice movement and a willing personality. People search for breeds all the time-- maybe I was afraid of the idea or what that would entail. 

There's also a chance in the future that I might simply walk away with a horse that's none of these things as well. It's very exciting to think about but more distant in the future (we shall see!).


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## Finalcanter

On sunday I rode teddy. He started off lazy as expected from him, but when he gets going he's a really nice horse. I find his canter very easy to sit, so I practiced trot-canter transitions and over cavaletti polls. 

It was a really nice day, I wish I could've stayed but I had somewhere else to be afterwards. It made me nostalgic for days in the past where I'd be at the barn at all hours (and pretty much was within walking distance of it). I bring this up often but it was a very important time in my life. That said, i'm sure i'll continue to have many more 'adventures'. 

Next week I won't have a lesson as i'll be away. I'll be with my grandparents whom I haven't seen in a while. Luckily my grandfather shares a horsey passion as I do--I owe it to him!


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## egrogan

Finalcanter said:


> I'll be with my grandparents whom I haven't seen in a while. Luckily my grandfather shares a horsey passion as I do--I owe it to him!


 Love that! My grandfather, after returning from WWII, went on to manage a country Agway feed store in his small town in upstate NY. Although my grandparents lived in the village and didn't have livestock they did nurture my love of horses by letting me pick a Breyer from the store every time I visited them. Sadly my grandfather died before I owned my own horses, but when I go buy feed and shavings from an Agway store, I think how tickled he would have been to see me go there every week for my real horses. Everyone in my family always thought I'd grow out of horses long after those Breyers were packed away, but I think he knew it wasn't just a phase.


Have fun on your visit!


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## Finalcanter

egrogan said:


> Finalcanter said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'll be with my grandparents whom I haven't seen in a while. Luckily my grandfather shares a horsey passion as I do--I owe it to him!
> 
> 
> 
> Love that! My grandfather, after returning from WWII, went on to manage a country Agway feed store in his small town in upstate NY. Although my grandparents lived in the village and didn't have livestock they did nurture my love of horses by letting me pick a Breyer from the store every time I visited them. Sadly my grandfather died before I owned my own horses, but when I go buy feed and shavings from an Agway store, I think how tickled he would have been to see me go there every week for my real horses. Everyone in my family always thought I'd grow out of horses long after those Breyers were packed away, but I think he knew it wasn't just a phase.
> 
> 
> Have fun on your visit!
Click to expand...

And i'm sure he'd be very proud and happy for you! I'm sorry for your loss. 
It is definitely relatable having a family that sees horses as a phase- even more so depending on the expenses haha! 
But with a passion so strong, anything is possible (and of course, through budgeting and time). Too bad i'm sometimes a tad impatient in everything, heh!


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## Finalcanter

Here we are- A page from the journal~
--
I had a dream of buying a horse (which isn’t the norm for me, usually it’s riding, if I’m to have any equine dreams at all!). A woman pulled up with a trailer with a beaming smile and I greeted her back. She took out two horses- well, a horse and a pony, which confused me at first. The grey pony was way too small for me. She then walked a larger horse out of the trailer- a fleabitten TB cross she explained, but she didn’t say what she was crossed with. The horse had heavier bones a standard TB and her face was a bit broader as well. 

She rode her around the arena for me and then I tried her. She was responsive, but a little…’clunky’/heavy-hoofed. You’d think in a dream the horse would be “perfect”- regardless, I really liked her. The dream skipped to me filling out paperwork and discussing things like vet care, farriers to contact and her price which was at the 2k range…I forget the exact number since I’m writing this later in the morning but it was fresh in my mind when I woke up. It was a pretty neat dream I think. A nice ‘what if’. I think I might draw her (I remember her head clearest, her body was sound but I have since lost the details of what exactly her body type was. I could’ve perhaps identified what this dream horse was crossed with). Maybe my friends over on the horse forum could make some fun guesses.

I drew her to the best of my current ability..


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## knightrider

Oh, totally cool. Wouldn't it be amazing if your first horse actually turned out to be a flea bitten part thoroughbred with a distinctive head like that?


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## Finalcanter

knightrider said:


> Oh, totally cool. Wouldn't it be amazing if your first horse actually turned out to be a flea bitten part thoroughbred with a distinctive head like that?



It would be interesting indeed. Funnily enough I'm not really into greys, but sometimes the best horses come in the "Wrong" color haha


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## Finalcanter

---rant---

Getting through some serious emotional turmoils of last week and managing. I've decided to cut back on my riding lessons (every other week), as they are too expensive to be largely unfulfilling. Simply put, i'm tired of dead legged lesson horses, and I can no longer seem to have pick of the morning. I'll be using that money to save up for a new car and future horse pursuits. 
*
Trying to find joy doing my other hobbies. It's... not the same, but it helps from feeling completely void. Rough week..


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## knightrider

Awww, so sorry. I hope things get better for you. Can you find a more compatible lesson barn?


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## Finalcanter

knightrider said:


> Awww, so sorry. I hope things get better for you. Can you find a more compatible lesson barn?


I think i've hopped around enough honestly but truth be told, I stay because i've been there for a while and it still serves as a barn meet-up spot for my friends. They give us a lot of leeway (some barns around here do not allow you to groom a horse without a lesson, for example). 

..I just had to get that rant out though..


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## Finalcanter

This past weekend I went on a bike trail at Shirley Chisolm park. Wish I could've enjoyed the bike trail more...it's very nice scenery wise and weather wise, but my bike insisted on giving me issues (gears were messed up) and I overexerted myself a few times just trying to get the thing at a decent pace. Hopped on my mothers bike just to make sure and yep, it was definitely an issue with mine. Hopefully I can get a better bike next go around.. or perhaps get my own. 

At times I was frustrated and exhausted* but couldn't let the frustrations pull the day down. It's like trail riding and renting a horse. Although I want to relax and have fun, sometimes I get a horse that wants to spook, bolt and act up. I can handle them but sheesh, i'd like to relax on a trail ha.. 

On a different note- I forgot I had a drawstring bag I got from the IHSA zones. It serves as a nice reminder I guess that even if i'm frustrated with my riding now, there's always potential and i'm still the same rider I was regardless. 
This week has been a challenge..


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## Finalcanter

I did have a good lesson during the weekend at my usual place. Mainly because I was riding a horse i'm pretty used to and he's no slow poke. We actually got to go over a few crossrails which I haven't really done in several weeks!

*I was more focused on the canter though- as I feel that's what I want to practice and experience more. Luckily for me Kyle is a very forward horse so I could keep my focus on the task at hand (cavaletti patterns) and my position. Ironically this is the horse I always fell off of jumping with- and I saw for the first time on the card next to his nameplate that he needed a martingale. I could've told them that lol. But lucky me- I didn't take a tumble this time!

I got a pretty nice surprise from a family member who paid for my lesson out of nowhere (or rather sent me the money for one), so that was a nice gesture...Other than that, my 'barn' friend and I were looking up other places to trail at. We settled on a place closer to where our current barn is. We also talked about possible group lessons (which this place offers), not to mention their private lessons give more time for a few bucks more...I said I wouldn't hop barns again, even partially..but circumstances might make me curious. We wanted to trail there anyway. So at some point i'll get a look at the place.


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## MeditativeRider

Your pictures look lovely. I did not know there were areas like that to ride a bike in NY. I have only visited once and felt very overwhelmed, as I do in most large cities, so did not get to explore it much. That's pretty cool that you can go for a bike ride with your mother (mine never learned to ride a bike and now she is 74 and unlikely to ever learn).

I wish I looked half as well put together on a horse as you do! 

I hope the new place to do trail rides and potentially lessons turns out well.


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## whisperbaby22

You do look nice. I especially like that you and the horse seem to be looking at the same thing.


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## Finalcanter

@MeditativeRider

Thank you! Those are from the video my trainer took! The trail did turn out nice but it's a bit of a wild story that i'll post in full in a short bit here. 
I'm sorry to hear about your mother.. are you two close? 
@whisperbaby22

I appreciate that compliment! I like riding this horse for flatwork!


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## Finalcanter

So. Sunday. Where to begin...

Sunday was an all day 'horsey' day as my friend and I were going to a new trail place, and I had a lesson before that. The lesson went relatively okay... the horses have a bit more energy due to the change of seasons but the head tossing faux crow hopping freshness freaks me out- *but* I did push past it!

*I had some time before heading to the trail barn, but due to a crazy cyclist event and traffic, we actually missed our appointment by 20 minutes! We waited for the next group which tagged along three newbies to horse riding. All went smoothly halfway into the trail, the weather was nice, we were going up some decent hilly pathways when all of a sudden we hear something crashing through the trees. I see the smaller chestnut pony barreling through the forest, nearly charging for our group a few times before running off. Of course all our horses get antsy. 

Surprisingly, the kid fell off his pony but was totally okay and not fazed at all, wow! The pony came back to the group and after some discussion of how we're going to lead the riderless horse back, the guide turns to me in a very "I believe in you" moment. The kid and I switched horses as she was really calm. The trail guide was so sorry,* he said the pony was spooked as he was a saint on trails normally.

We were headed back which took us about 20 minutes and we dismounted at the barn. He told my friend and I to come back next week for a private trail instead (given our experience). We'll hold him to it. I'm pretty drained today, but it was far from a bad day! Just highly interesting.


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## whisperbaby22

Yea, sounds crazy, but that's a cute little pony.


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## MeditativeRider

Sounds like an interesting ride. I hope you actually get your freebie out of it (I once got offered a free lesson after a nightmare of a "lesson" where I showed up and there was no instructor as the assigned instructor was busy taking a trail ride scheduled at the same time [not her fault the guy in charge arranged it all]. Also pretty much no horse as the horse I had been meant to ride had been ridden until completely dripping with sweat by the person before me who rode an hour over time, unsupervised (again no instructor), and all at trot/canter. Oh and had ridden the horse right through its break for drink/food. So I was told I could have a free lesson later [I had prepaid] but I never went back as the lack of organization did not appeal).


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## Finalcanter

@whisperbaby22
That pony actually looks like one of the horses that had kept me going during college emotionally and mentally (when I was in a dark place), so seeing the familiarity was really refreshing! Unfortunately that horse had died of colic right before I went to a lesson. I remember being excited to see him after my lesson...

@MeditativeRider 
Oh goodness, that sounds awfully unorganized! That is not fair to you or that horse at all!


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## Finalcanter

(repost from the lovely trail thread)
Forgot to touch base here so i'll do so briefly: 

The trail was much better this time around and the weather was perfect for it! I forgot to put my tracker on, and I wish I had as we got turned around many times. There was a lot of leaf litter obscuring the paths. We went up and down some pretty interesting hills, through narrow paths and winding through the forests to see if we could find the main trail again. I certainly didn't mind as it was a private trail (no real time restraint).

oh and although it's a day after halloween I should mention... the road and woods around this area (sweet hollow) are supposedly extremely haunted. Driving through it was a bit creepy i'll admit. But the trail was perfect! 
----
I do have some not so lovely news to follow:
I am taking a bit of a riding break. No consistent lessons. It took a while for me to get to this point. I don't want to stop but right now, the cons outweigh the pros and I would like to be in a better position when I start back up (which might not be for quite a while).


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## MeditativeRider

Glad you had a good trail ride. 

Hope you find a way to enjoy your break from lessons, or at least get a lot of other stuff done. I had a break from lessons for about 7 months recently, and I just made sure I did a lot of other exercise to replace it.


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## knightrider

I will miss your journal entries.:icon_frown:


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## Finalcanter

I got nervous for a minute thinking my journal might've been inactive for too long and possibly locked.
Wow. It hasn't felt like a four month riding break. It feels much longer, especially with a some things going on in my life currently. It feels like it's been ages (and more to come before I get back into it). 

I scribbled- yes literally- some horses for a drawing- they were an 'in the far far distance' so I did everything by vague memory. These are the beloved (somewhat feral) Issu-horses! Broad faced lovable hardy oafs. 

Ah I haven't been on here to post any pictures..I am absolutely loving how convenient it is now!


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## Finalcanter

So I decided to do something I wasn't originally planning to--I met up with a friend a the barn. No riding, but it was a fun time regardless, I was a smiling mess. Definitely had to hug my favorite pony there and say hey to my favorite lesson horse.


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## MeditativeRider

Great pictures, you look so content and happy. Glad you had some horsey hugs.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you- I indeed was!


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## whisperbaby22

Any time spent with a horse is time well spent.


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## tinyliny

your sketches are wonderful! If you can't ride, draw! not a REAL substitute, but it's somethig. What kind of horse waas it?


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## Finalcanter

tinyliny said:


> your sketches are wonderful! If you can't ride, draw! not a REAL substitute, but it's somethig. What kind of horse waas it?


So sorry for the late reply! These horses don't exist here haha. They are for my art/writing project


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## Finalcanter

*Ramble time! I will probably revisit this entry when the time comes…*
Here I go, updating and planning because I want to be ready. All is explained a few paragraphs down, and this is definitely me being optimistic. I found and added a several professional (read: professionally handled) businesses for the likes of specific Friesian crosses—most of which sell purebreds, and some of which sell warmbloods and other sport horses—though Friesian crosses are their ‘go to’. I’m not really interested in a purebred for multiple reasons (if I were, there are so many companies I could go with that I wouldn’t have to plan as much as I am now)!

I am well aware of the whole franken-horse situation, and I am aware of how Friesian crosses can be scrutinized at times (I know, I shouldn’t care), but I’m not wary of getting a franken horse from these sellers. What is the requirement of a franken horse anyway? Personal opinion? I guess Beauty is in the eye of the beholder when it comes to crosses. I admit there are some things I do and do not like to see concerning Friesian horses and crosses. I will be looking at my options with a ‘non-window shopping’ attitude. I’m sure I’d want some help from this varied community as well.

All of the businesses I’ve been looking over have spectacular credentials and very good looking horses of all ages(pictures and videos, pedigrees and other registration papers). I have a low trust in individual sales- like equinenow or horseclicks, and maybe that’s just a ‘me’ problem. Also, as I’ve said time and time again due to several reasons, I have to (unfortunately or fortunately) buy untried. I am not worried about that however. A few of the companies I’ve spoke with to confirm details have no issue with shipping state to state and internationally and seem rather diligent about it. But we won’t know for sure until the day comes.

My hope is that they stay around for years to come, because if everything goes extraordinarily well, I’ll be looking to purchase in two years or so, but we all know life throws curveballs. I’m being very optimistic! I do know for _certain_ I am moving to NC within that time frame. Again, if things go well (It’s happening regardless). I figured I might as well start narrowing down choices concerning my horse related interests as I start seeing things move forward.

_There is a *possibility* of something life changing happening, which would accelerate everything for me and my mother in a good way! It’s actually scary to think about, which is why my mother and I are planning vigorously for the next 1-2 years._

On that note, I have two potential certifications I can achieve (EKG, TA)and can change my career if I choose to…however, it’s still a bumpy road, and the actual certification tests are right around the corner—one I passed this morning! I feel nervous with everything happening (or potentially happening). More like an excited-nervous energy, it feels like I’m waiting forever for certain milestones, yet at the same time, things might actually happen far faster than I expect it to.

It’s very anxiety inducing (not in the dreadful type of way, but more like a ‘life is throwing a lot of new things at me that I’ve never experienced before—new opportunities all within a year or so’). A while ago I would’ve told myself don’t put the cart in front of the horse. Now? Everything has a strong potential of falling into place when I thought they weren’t going to—and I have to prepare. I’m on the cart trying to tie up loose ends with list writing and the horse is just barreling through (sheesh now I know why watching driving competitions gives me anxiety lol!). I hope all goes well.


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## MeditativeRider

Sounds exciting. What are EKG and TA certification? Is EKG the same as ECG (echocardiogram)? If so, great career choice, my youngest (now age 7) is a heart kid with a successful repair of cor triatriatum behind her. The ECG technician who first scanned her was essential in her journey, as before that, the doctors did not even think she had a heart defect.


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## whisperbaby22

It does sound exciting, good luck with all of this!


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## Finalcanter

Not sure if I talked about Georgian grandes before, but I found a few reputable (read: rather expensive but recognized) breeders. Now, I’m not a fan of saddlebreds 100%, and although I like Friesians quite a bit, their movements can look wonky to me. So why in the world do I like the movement and look of the cross? Apples meet oranges I guess. Some are very well put together. I think my interest in moriesians has fair competition, adding to the fact that it’s much easier to get ahold of g. grandes in the area I’m moving to. The fact that I have found many more breeders than those for moriesians could be in part to their popularity perhaps? They are also good all-arounders as far as discipline. They look like great jumpers and movers. There aren’t a lot of threads on them though. I think I’ve made my short list, and the homework/research—of course there will be more of that when the time comes. I’ve got at least a year or so.

All daydreaming aside- I got my ekg certification! We’ll see where things go from here on out. It’s good to plan things out.




MeditativeRider said:


> Sounds exciting. What are EKG and TA certification? Is EKG the same as ECG (echocardiogram)? If so, great career choice, my youngest (now age 7) is a heart kid with a successful repair of cor triatriatum behind her. The ECG technician who first scanned her was essential in her journey, as before that, the doctors did not even think she had a heart defect.


@MeditativeRider
I truly apologize it's been an entire month since I've been on this forum pretty much! A lot has been happening but has cooled off now. An echocardiogram (viewing and listening of the heart) is different than electrocardiogram which measures electrical activity of the heart and it's rhythm/beat cycle (looking for potential problems electrically, while the former looks at physical issues---although if you have electrical issues with your heart, there's a good chance there's something also physically wrong). Im so happy and glad that your child had a successful surgery! I myself have a faulty but not so dangerous valve defect. It truly is an interesting field.


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## MeditativeRider

Yes, I should have remembered that. She had both echo and electrocardigograms. Well done getting your certification!


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## knightrider

You should talk to @LoriF . She has a beautiful Georgian Grande of whom she is justifiably very proud. She is very fun to ride!


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## Finalcanter

Thank you both! 
@knightrider thank you for this information!


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## Finalcanter

I am excited to meet up with a barn friend at some point this summer --it's been a while-- but not only that, it's been quite busy for me since the winter. I am actually getting a breather this summer hopefully. The store I was working at closed down, but I've been working with a school distract with my teachers certificate- and the pay is better. But as teacher jobs go- I am off for the summer, and my shifts in retail are very minimal since I had to be transferred. Nothing concerning ekg yet, but I am in no rush, although passively looking. I will be enjoying the newfound free time these coming months.

I've been discussing with said barn friend about my occasional off and on conversations with a particular Georgian grande seller--one that might be known to some. I do have the money currently but I would like to wait a bit longer to set things into place. They were very forth coming, they understand my situation currently-- and I do hope by the time I can get things set up finally that they will still have a certain horse available. It depends on time now. Some would say I am jumping the gun, but at the very least, I like being contact with potential sellers to get a feel for them- and I really like this one. They said they have a few others they hope to break in under saddle soon enough, so it wouldn't be a complete loss if it so happens I cannot get this particular horse. However (!) I will continue to have excitement and positive feelings on the situation. 

Also unrelated but I feel like it's been a while since I've drawn out some full scaled colored art (busy with sketches), and technically the horse (and other blue creature) are not the main focus of the drawing since they are so small- the landscape is- but I felt like sharing anyway. I don't typically draw 'normal' animals--I can but it's not of major interest. But every now and again, a horse might pop up somewhere. I really should draw them more often, but I'm too obsessed with the other creature to draw normal animals with any consistency lol..
And to be fair, I guess you can say they too look a bit horse-ish, so I might secretly be hitting two birds with one stone (yes, excuses haha!). I took the horse from an older drawing since it didn't really go anywhere, but since the horse is technically a 'character'...perhaps one day I'll have to draw a small ref for her too.


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## MeditativeRider

The landscape is amazing! I love landscapes. I also love the colour that you have used.

You might like looking at landscapes by Grahame Sydney and Colin McCahon (NZ artists). They are different to yours (Grahame Sydney is more realistic in the colours and Colin McCahon is more simplified in the shapes) but the hills reminded me of them. 





__





Galleries – Grahame Sydney






www.grahamesydney.co.nz













A Land of Granite | Dunedin Public Art Gallery


Otago has a calmness, a coldness, almost a classical geological order. It is, perhaps, an Egyptian landscape, a land of calm orderly granite. Driving one day with the family over hills from Brighton or Taieri Mouth to the Taieri Plain, I first became aware of my own particular God, perhaps an...




dunedin.art.museum


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## Finalcanter

@MeditativeRider 
Thank you very much! I'll give it a look after work


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## Finalcanter

Reading too many things online, watching things that are causing waves. I do not pardon that woman's behavior whatsoever but I'm so sick of those who do not understand the sport and see everything we do as abusive (not excusing that...mess), I'm sick of the 'its not a sport' argument, and to be frank, I'm a bit done with things in the inner equestrian community as well at times. Some days I feel like I need distance from it all. This crosses my mind as the days where I'm not proud to say 'I ride horses' because of misunderstandings and opinions. I want to not care, but all this bad spotlight bs is making it much more up front. I'm just conflicted and disenchanted.


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## Finalcanter

I didn't see a thread on it here but over at H&H it seems like a reasonable conversation being had. Regardless...moving on..
The horse I'm looking at has a bit of shows coming up, and I'm not sure how to feel about him being young and having shows under his belt. They are very basic dressage tests and with other horses- so I get to see he's good with others and can travel, yet I'm wondering if I'd be a suitable rider for him. I only have passing interests in shows, and I'm not sure how 'bias' the dealer would be with someone who wants to pursue that (to which I do have shows under my belt, but I'm still on a riding break). The good news is that they are training other g.g's under saddle, so if it turns out this individual is not for me, there might be another waiting. 

It might be even longer of a wait than I previously thought, but I am hopeful.


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## Finalcanter

Well well well-- I'll be headed out on a trail tomorrow morning! I'm not sure how many pictures I'll take as I might be too in the moment but I'm quite happy to be back in the saddle even if it's just for a trail. We won't have our usual guide, so I'm hoping it will be a good go regardless.


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## Finalcanter

I'm deciding to leave a forum that i've spent enough time lurking to figure out its not my type of community... but in exchange I found another to try out, and of course I'll be staying here. 

Mondays trail was relaxing- already booked another two weeks out. We trotted a fair bit and the horse I got was so nice I was tempted to canter that field (next time hopefully)! The weather held up for the most part.


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## Finalcanter

We're being hit here on Long Island with some pretty nasty weather currently. I was thinking it was remnants of hurricane fred or something--nope--there's a tropical storm named Henri that eased its way up here. I'm hoping our power stays on. From my area, we've been getting a lot of heavy rain.


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## knightrider

Hope you can stay safe! I hate hurricanes!


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## Finalcanter

@knightrider 

Yes thank you! Currently just lots of rain and street flooding. I'm glad I don't have to go anywhere outside for a while.


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## Finalcanter

Still getting finances in order, but coming really close. 
I just fear the horse I've been giving the most interest to gets sold before then. There are always other options, but man, would that feel pretty bad in the beginning. Especially when you get/have everything prepared.


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## knightrider

Can you make a deposit so they will hold the horse?


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## Finalcanter

@knightrider 
I haven't asked, but I guess I feel it would be a bit unfair if I held a horse for potentially another few months while they might have a buyer waiting.
I do understand what you mean though. Hopefully, everything can work out. The good news is that they train their horses nicely, so if I do end up having to chose an unbroke horse (which some are siblings of the main horse I'm looking at), I will have no issue putting a deposit down for them to train that horse up.


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## Finalcanter

Well, things are starting to look up a bit. I spoke some more with the seller- whom is a gem, they actually reached out to me! I also inquired if anyone was interested in this particular horse (this would put my previous fears of the horse getting sold to rest). I do have a plan, and I think I'll speak to the barn owner tomorrow about stall space, and how many free stalls are available. Oh boy, I have a bit of a pit in my stomach...looks like I might actually be able to do this. This dream might've moved from a few months out to possible...a few weeks...next week? Depends on a few factors but it's nearly within reach. _inhales/exhales_.


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## Finalcanter

So there are stalls available, but I won't reserve anything quite yet. I spent sunday out on the trail again with friends before heading back to the home stable to assess the stall situation. I was put on the same horse as last time- whom I enjoyed at the walk and trot immensely! We were going to canter down a few straights and that's when I was told this horse knew one speed: FAST. It was mainly due to the fact that the guides did not trust beginners on her, so she hadn't really developed a steady pace in wide open areas. She wasn't taken out enough at a non beginner level. But on sunday, I was entrusted with her. 

After being out of the saddle for a while, after being put on a fast (and crow hopping horse) a few times at the other place and then riding horses who were the complete opposite (and getting used to the much slower pushy pace), I had lost confidence on faster more forward horses. I used to love them but that spark was gone..

...So I thought.

We broke into a canter, and then what I'd describe as a hand gallop at that point. I had the biggest smile on my face, and the best part is that this mare was a listener. She still listened to my voice, she listened to my seat and didn't pull any funny business. ' Fear' conquered! There's nothing more valuable than a horse who listens, understands and communicates..


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## MeditativeRider

That's so cool to hear about your canter on the trail, the free stalls, and the potential horse to buy. I am pleased for you.


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## lb27312

I'm excited to hear about your potential horse to buy! I think you'll do great!!


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## Finalcanter

MeditativeRider said:


> That's so cool to hear about your canter on the trail, the free stalls, and the potential horse to buy. I am pleased for you.





lb27312 said:


> I'm excited to hear about your potential horse to buy! I think you'll do great!!


Thank you both!
I will try to update here if anything interesting happens concerning the buying process, or make a thread on it eventually. I'd like to speak more with the seller until then~


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## knightrider

Once I sold a horse to a person who hadn't had time to ride him. He put a deposit on the horse and paid me board until he could go see the horse. When he rode the horse, he decided it was "too much horse" so he didn't buy him. I gave him his deposit back since he had been so nice and paid me board for several months.

Yay! for your cantering the fast mare . . . and doing so well with her. I enjoy your journal and hope very much your dreams come true!


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## whisperbaby22

Yea, I hope this all works out.


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## Finalcanter

I just asked about a pre purchase vet exam. I know transportation will need this horse's coggins and other health certificates. I will gladly pay for the ppe--waiting on a response now.

@knightrider
I guess I'm in a position to do something similar (possibly), although it might not be needed as my barn has the space (yay).
-

The horse market is so hot right now, and I'm not trying this horse out first--he's a good distance away. I notice this becoming more commonplace with the market and there's been more lenience on the subject- and has always been common for imports or show horses. That said, there is a trail period (..er..trial--spent too much time on the trails lately haha) , and for me personally, 'feel' isn't an issue for me. Going through the school horse system for seven years and hoping on way too many horses to count, I don't mind adjusting. I do thankfully have access to requests and videos galore, all the way back from when he was a little foal!
Right now hopefully the response is favorable from the seller and vet.


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## Finalcanter

So, I was told the vet will be visiting the sellers barn on Friday, and let me know their phone number and current schedule. I will be calling the vet on Sunday (Tuesday the latest). We shall see how this goes!


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## Finalcanter

I forgot to share my first art of sketchtember (done a week ago). Whoops. 
I'll say there's something that slightly bugs me about this but other than that minor thing, I really, really like how this came out. So much so that I'd like to look for a mini frame for it.


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## Finalcanter

Had a very pleasant talk with the owners of this horse, and they really loved this horse-but felt that I was the right one for him. We went through everything about him, including what others spoke of about needing to learn more contact through the bit and needing to relax more with a lower neck. They told me the best things about him that they worked on (his willingness, mind, ground manners, canter) and the things that would need more work- such as his trot and the need for him to work in a lower frame. They spoke of him so fondly- and it makes me even more excited to develop him. It was a much needed conversation. He's a bit lean, but a steady grower, so I'm going to put some weight on him for the winter. His temperament sounds absolutely wonderful- always willing to try, not easily bothered or distracted and brave. He sounds like a horse with a good mind.


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## knightrider

I can hardly wait for you to get him home and read about your adventures with him!


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## Finalcanter

I'm quite distraught right now..
I thought the timing was right, but it is not. 
Even writing this puts me in a bad headspace. 

I'm so burnt out from chasing a dream. Sorry for the thread. Wish it could be deleted as it's of no use now. Some lessons are hardest to learn.


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## knightrider

Oh no no. My heart is aching for you. I just said a prayer for you. I am so sorry.


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## lb27312

@Finalcanter - soooo sorry to hear this and to hear what's in your head now... you are in my thoughts. You just never know where this road will take us though.... that's why I like the song Broken Road.... please don't delete this thread...


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## egrogan

Oh no! I hope you'll share more about what happened when you feel ready. 

It's probably no consolation, but I bet many of us could share stories about horses we were set on buying that got away from us for various reasons. It is no fun in the moment though, I understand that. Hope things look up for you soon.


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## MeditativeRider

So sorry to hear. Don't give up your dreams! They may happen in just a slightly different way in the future. I know it won't make it any better now, but the ability to feel things really earth shatteringly deep is what makes super, lovely, kind and empathetic humans who are so what this world needs. Keep on being you and be kind to yourself.


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## MeditativeRider

Also, I hope you have someone IRL you can talk to. And find some little littles to do each day to be kind to yourself (like listening to a favorite song, yoga, cup of tea/coffee, a walk).


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## knightrider

I know this is a HUGE stretch and I know you wanted a Georgian Grande, but this does seem like an awfully nice horse . . . and in your price range.

Help me find a fair asking price on this horse | The Horse Forum


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## Finalcanter

Hi guys-- I really appreciate the well wishes from you all. It means a lot to me right now. It was a matter of heart over mind, and when I sat down honestly with myself... the mind had more valid points on why things would not work out in the long run. I realized it just was not the right time to own (not completely, anyway). 

So, I will send his paperwork back and will receive my money back. I'm so grateful the seller was understanding of the situation. Unfortunately she probably won't be in the breeding business for much longer.

When this first happened I was put back into an old self that was present years ago. Since I already gave up lessons for ten months due to multiple reasons, I could not see myself enjoying horses fully. I wanted to give them up, not seeing a point. 

I am trying to see silver linings now: I don't feel the pressure of money, I can use it to buy a car because I don't think my 2002 car will last another winter. I can continue to save and build my nest egg. If I wanted to own at a later point, those savings would be much more than they are now, and it would be a lot easier on me.

The horse might've not been right for me, and I did not intend on showing too soon. Regardless, I'm hoping some day in the future the right one will come along. It hurts to go back to the stable you thought you were going to board at. Truth be told, it's going to take me some time to get over that. 

I think that it's good to ride before getting a horse, but it's hard for me to bring myself to take lessons again, given my prior issues with it. Leasing seems like a black hole for money too. Maybe I could just trail a little. I'm having a hard time right now thinking of a way to move forward with horses.


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## twhvlr

I wish you were closer to me. I sure could use a riding partner right now. And I can supply the horse for you. Only thing is, it would be gaited.


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## MeditativeRider

I hope you find a way to continue riding. If you are not feeling like lessons, I would not do them. Or if you were going to, maybe try a few different places and different styles of riding just to try something new to you. Could you volunteer at therapy riding so you have horse time but are helping others find the joy of riding? Otherwise, just focusing on riding trails sounds like fun. Can you plan yourself a horsey holiday? Maybe somewhere that does longer multi-day treks for intermediate (and above) riders.


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## Finalcanter

@twhvlr 
Having a few more horsey friends would certainly help this situation a bit better. I appreciate the thought. 

@MeditativeRider 
I've actually thought of volunteering today, but I'd have to research it more throughly for my area. 
I'm still on the fence about everything else honestly but it's always good to come up with ideas.

For now I might* decide to continue my horseless break this winter. But who knows what the future holds.


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## whisperbaby22

I'm for taking the break. Sounds like you need to get some financial issues resolved. 

Everybody has a different path. Talking about my path may not help you at all, but your path may be helped by simple things right now, like keeping up with this journal. I think you should.

Maybe you could draw horses, if you have an artistic bent, or take classes that further your knowledge in horsey subjects that most appeal to you.


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## Finalcanter

I see.. but I guess to clarify, my finances are long term so there's not any issues to resolve. I have a good amount as a nest egg already-- but it's the choices I make that determine the size of it. I'm thankfully not in a dire position as it stands. Just a position that could not sustain rent and* a horse for more than 3 years in tandem. Full service board here ranges from $1-2k. Given recent opportunities, that will change soon enough, but for now, it wasn't doable.
I'm really strict about touching savings, so even a new car I didn't want to take from the saving pile despite having enough. I feel better about that though, so I'll go ahead and get it, as a priority. 
----


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## Finalcanter

I met two friends at the stable yesterday. Originally I just wanted to get my belongings together and head elsewhere but it ended up being a very enjoyable time. I haven't seen one of them in 5 years and we used to show together.

We discussed current events and what had happened.. and a break that I wasn't sure I wanted. On the opposite end, they wanted me to do at least a trail with them at some point-- and then the conversation evolved into "what about group lessons? English? Western?" So on and so forth. I know two of us have been trying to get a group lesson before all this, and then covid hit. I'll see where this goes.. maybe a change of scenery can help as was mentioned by @MeditativeRider

Things are up in the air currently.

@whisperbaby22 I know you mean well, and for those that are following my hair brained journey so far. Just trying to process it is worth the reflection.


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## MeditativeRider

If you decide to take a break, it won't be the end of your riding or time with horses either. I took a break from about 14 to 34. Not saying you have to take a break that long, but you can get back to riding/horses later on. I could have shortened my break but not gone without it completely as I could not have focused properly on some of the things I did during that time if I had been trying to fit in horses as well.

I also like to research things, extensively, and won't decide on anything till I have considered all the options very thoroughly. I used to prefer things to be done the 'right' way or I would not do them at all (but have kind of let this go now that I am getting older and have to accept things just as they are or I might not get to do them at all). I have plentiful savings that I could technically both buy and keep a horse with, but I won't touch it. And I have backed out of animal purchases (2 different dogs) when I decided they were not the right fit. So I totally get how where you are coming from.

What sort of car do you think you will buy? Have you been to test drive any? I would love a new car. Ours is a 2003 and is getting really high on the milage and I think it will not last much longer. My husband would like an electric car but the type we would need (with enough space for 2 kids + a medium sized dog) is really expensive here.


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## whisperbaby22

Glad to hear it. The path vears right and left, sounds like you are able to find the right one. 

I do feel for you, and MeditativeRider, trying to buy a car at this time. As I understand it, the supply chain and chip situation may not get straightened out for a year or two. Sending positive vibes that you will find a cool car.


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## Finalcanter

@whisperbaby22
Definitely-- life moves on, but it doesn't fully leave us behind, it's just hard to catch up sometimes haha

@MeditativeRider
I have a 2002 accent, and will most likely get another, just upgraded. For the time being, I enjoy smaller cars since it is only myself I have to worry about- and I like the 'zip and zoom' of them. Reading about it, it has a bit above average ratings than cars of the same class/size (versus the sentra, elantra, versa, etc). I have not test drove any cars yet. What did you have in mind for a new car for yourself?

_
As for color, I don't like how black looks on it and I already have a silver car.
Tangent: Silver seems to attracts birds and bugs due to its reflective nature. It's the strangest phenomena I've read about and experienced--I park on a curved street with no trees or wires, and birds just have a field day. I've never seen anything like it- it was as if an entire flock of starlings just all targeted my car while passing by. I thought someone paint-balled my car. This happened twice.

Also my car has been literally covered with flying ants before more than once. Some say it's from a sweet smelling wax on your car if you just got it done, but I never go get my car done. Turns out with both problems, when the sun hits a silver or white car, apparently it tricks the animals into thinking its the reflective surface of water. Not a well researched phenomena but it's been brought up enough for me to say 'no silver or white cars'. I don't want to deal with those things again.

So that leaves me with blue, red and dark grey. I heard red cars costs more to insure? I don't know how true this is but I guess it's worth looking up.


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## MeditativeRider

The only thing I know about red cars is that they can fade easily, but if you don't live in a high sun area, maybe that won't be an issue? We had friends in San Diego that had a red car they parked outdoors all the time, and it was really obviously faded (and looked quite bad because it was patchy). However, we used to have a red car (in a regular all-four-seasons, not-San Diego climate) and it was parked outside frequently, and it never faded in the time we had it.

Maybe they cost more to insure because of the fading? Or because people who steal cars think red is a cooler color? Who knows, insurance is weird (but necessary).

That's so random about the silver/white cars attracting birds and insects, and also annoying if you get bird bombed.

We currently have a white car (Toyota Caldina), it gets dirty so easily just driving around, but is mostly parked in a garage so does not get bird bombed. I really don't like it (the white). I think I would get blue or dark grey.

Our car (Caldina) itself is ok except it is really low to the ground and I always end up scrapping it on the curb when I parallel park. It also has poor visibility from the driver's seat for making certain turns due to the way the front windscreen is shaped. Plus it is not fuel efficient. 

I like smaller cars. Our red car was a Ford Focus hatchback and it was nice to drive and park. We may be able to get a smaller one this time round, since we no longer need space for child carseats as our kids are older. So long as it has a big enough boot/trunk space to put our dog in. We take her to the beach a lot and she is stinky and sandy to bring home, so I don't really like her in the main passenger space. 

My husband would like a MG ZS EV, which we could afford. If I had more $, I would get a Kia Niro EV.


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## Finalcanter

Looking the two together, I like to look of the Kia Niro. They're both nice, so I hope you'll be able to get it sooner than later to replace the older car. I know I'm tired of paying more in fixes than my 2002 is worth in value every 7 or so months...

I completely forgot about the red fading out. So maybe dark grey would look best. Weirdly enough my entire family has dark grey cars, so I guess I'll add to that.


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## twhvlr

When I got my new car, I wanted something that I could find in a large parking lot. Husband and children always found it funny that I could never find it. So I bought a bright orange car. Unless it’s hidden by a large truck, I can always find it!


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## Finalcanter

Aside from getting over a bad upper respiratory infection, I'm just trying to see what I'm feeling. With fall being my favorite season, I'd love to get out and ride, or something. But I'm feeling very empty concerning that. Feeling pretty disconnected, so it's hard to pinpoint. I am trying my best to get over the boredom of staying in on nice days, or in general. Even when I'm doing other hobbies (art for example) that I am enjoying. Now I see why some people say horses are a lifestyle. 

This current state of affairs is not doing it for me! I feel like I'm just now mentally coming to terms and really I should probably just go ride-- but I'm very hesitant. I was okay when I was taking my initial break... but I can't seem to get over what just happened. I'm trying to think of ways to. I work more, I try to enjoy my art and crystals more-- and I do! But I still feel this way. I think the only way to lessen it is to not distance myself from what makes me truly happy in this life. At least I think that's the answer.


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## MeditativeRider

I say do an experiment, go for a relaxed trail ride and see how it makes you feel.


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## Finalcanter

MeditativeRider said:


> I say do an experiment, go for a relaxed trail ride and see how it makes you feel.


We're (barn friends and I) are trying to work things out. As it stands though, based on me poking around a bit, we'll be having a group lesson on saturday (so far). I'll be at a different barn, so having a friend with me will be nice. The instructor is someone we know.


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## Finalcanter

I was looking forward to having that lesson with a friend. I just felt today that we'd have a pretty decent time tomorrow.
A car accident put a stop to that pretty fast today. Without many details, no one was hurt, but now my car is damaged--and the mirror is destroyed (it would've been safe to drive beyond that. The dents, and now jammed right door thankfully did not affect any driving ability...but I don't want to drive with a broken mirror). 

Murphy's law is just clinging.
-First the horse.
-Getting sick for a week, right before being recognized for my job by the school district board 
-And now this.

At this point I'm just burying myself in books and youtube videos I need to catch up on. Can't be inside my mind for too long, and apparently being outside is ifffy too. The rollercoaster of life: I had some great weeks. I'm now having some bad weeks. But I'll survive, with a little bit of help. Maybe life is trying to tell me something. Anywho....

Hopefully November is better.


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## MeditativeRider

Sorry to hear about the car accident. You really have been having a rough month. Onwards and upwards hopefully!


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## knightrider

Oh no, so sorry, hope things do start looking up.


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## Finalcanter

I truly hope so guys.
I managed to get some flex tape and basically secured the holder. My rear view and left wing mirrors are fine. I don't recommend anyone doing this but.. i'm going to head out (slowly). I know the route, it's early and traffic should be light. I'll journal afterwards if I make it in one piece..
--
Trainer got a sinus infection. No lesson. Welp, I guess it wasn't meant to be


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## whisperbaby22

You are being challenged. Us oldsters can look back at things going all sideways at times in our lives. What is important is your response. You are doing fine. Thoughts are with you.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> You are being challenged. Us oldsters can look back at things going all sideways at times in our lives. What is important is your response. You are doing fine. Thoughts are with you.


It certainly seems like it! I've been in several challenges through my life so far and as with those, I'll just try to get over this one. 
I'm just going to stay home and relax a bit. I have paperwork to do tomorrow, and car things to do monday. I just want to put everything behind me as it stands.


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## egrogan

Sorry about the accident. I will say, my dad managed to knock both the side mirrors off my car backing it out of the garage when I was a teenager, and it just made me more conscious of checking my blind spot carefully before turning 😉 Of course I’m sure that wouldn’t pass inspection these days, but for driving around until you can get it fixed, I’m sure you’ll be fine if you’re aware of your space.

Hope you get some saddle time soon!


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## PoptartShop

So sorry to hear about the accident.  But luckily, you were not hurt & a car can be replaced, you can't be. The mirror can get fixed, it'll all be okay. Just take care of yourself. I know you could use a horse hug right now!


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## Finalcanter

Saturday I took a lesson at a new barn (only 5 minutes away from my other one). It was going to be a group lesson but my friend had some family plans that came up on Wednesday, so hopefully next week. That said, I got a good first impression of this barn as it's more lax atmosphere than the show barns I'm used to-- and that is what I needed. 

I was put on a pretty tall horse who enjoyed poking around at the beginning (normally I'd be a little annoyed at this due to the natural time restraints of a lesson, but since I was technically coming off of a now eleven month break from the saddle, it helped me work on my riding position). We did some trot and a little bit of canter work which was more than enough for me that day. Yes, I'm aching haha! 
Looking forward to the next lesson.

Also, car update- the mirror is fixed and didn't cost much thankfully. My car is..uh, less pleasant to look at but drives fine, and that's all that matters. Not sure when I'll get a new one- I'm just sitting on the funds currently. I guess I'm the type to drive something around until I absolutely can't anymore. I'm in no rush.


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## MeditativeRider

Glad your car is fixed. I am also a use things till the death before replacing type. 

That is great to hear you had a lesson and it went well. Do you have another booked in for the future or was it a one off?


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## Finalcanter

@MeditativeRider 
Well, one of my barn buddies and I planned for our group lessons to be a weekly thing. Hopefully all goes well tomorrow


----------



## Finalcanter

How do I put this…Today’s lesson was lackluster in a way. I got a lesson pony (a bitey, ears pinned most times, little mare), which all attempts to get after her failed. With my legs no longer in riding shape, after a good 20 minutes I decided to stop nagging her, as she did not want to leave the comfortable speed that was a walk. Even when our trainer tried to get her to go, she kicked the wall a few times, grumpily. I have to say, the pony and I were both were having an off day, so instead of wasting my little remaining energy, I wanted to watch my friend ride. She was riding the horse I rode previously, and she also had time off, so it was a weird lesson day for both of us. As I walked around the ring with the pony, we both set a bit of a tempo at the walk.

The pony seemed a fair bit happier- of course- and I just enjoyed watching the others around the arena, beginners, and experienced individuals alike. Was I a bit disappointed, or even a bit embarrassed? At first. Not really a fan of nagging, kicking or crop whacking a dozen times. Especially stables with a viewing area full of people new to the horse world who don’t yet know what a crop is for and might be inclined to write peta haha..

Normally I detest being put on these horses because they have been soured- and I feel bad for them. You can correct a lesson horse’s behavior in your short time on them, but they go right back to being ridden poorly sometimes and back to the same habits. When I was in some riding condition beforehand, I could get these types going. But just getting back into it, I’ll cut myself at least a little slack. These are/were the same emotions which made me seek out my own horse- not to deal with this system. At least you could actually take the time to figure out why your horse won’t do a certain thing. It made me think of that time too, briefly.

Our trainer felt bad because my friend was terrified of cantering, and meanwhile I couldn’t get going whatsoever. I appreciate him making time for this—he let me ride my friend’s lesson horse for a bit, just so the lesson wasn’t ‘wasted’—even though I assured him it was okay. It’s the luck of the draw with lessons and who’s available. The day was saved though because I enjoyed the time spent with someone who I haven’t seen in a long while.


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## whisperbaby22

I just don't seem to be able to inspire horses who have no motor to move out in the ring. For some time I thought it was the horse, now I suspect it's me, I get bored fast in a ring, and then so does my horse. 

I just poke along only correcting when the horse stops completely. So I know how you feel trying to get a horse that has no motor going.

But this is part of the art of horsemanship. Sometimes you just go with the horse as you did with the little mare on this lesson. Next lesson may be completely different. Never know with horses!


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## MeditativeRider

Sorry you got a pokey pony, but I am glad you found a way to just enjoy the lesson anyway. 

I hear you on the frustration of riding lesson horses. I always try think of the opposite to console myself. Like what if this was my horse I owned and I could not solve the issue or could not solve it quickly, and I just had to keep riding it all the time. At least with lesson horses you will get switched at some stage.

Good luck on getting your riding legs back. I have been trying to keep up with leg strength using a stability ball and ankle weights in my time off riding, but really nothing is properly replicates what you need to ride a horse.


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## Finalcanter

Even though every little thing has been making my irritability simmer like stew, even though I occasionally have to spill my mind out to someone- or this journal...or a therapist- every week or so, I'm going to try my best to have a better month. How? I have no idea. Aiming for some destress activities (exercise and tactile things work best, but one can't do that 24/7). When the mind races, when frustration happens, I need movement. Too much energy to burn..
I hate to be that 'adult' with a fidget spinner or something, but if it works it works.


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## MeditativeRider

Honestly, do whatever you feel you need to do. My daughter is very much into movement and noise for her calming/energy release things. She hums and dances on the spot. She is only 13 but I am fully telling her that it is ok to be an adult that does those things. Better that than feeling anxious, stressed, or depressed.

We have this cube at home and like it, and I think it looks nice too made in metal. So if you want fidget toys that look more 'adult', you could look out for something made with metal.









Infinity Cube


Infinity Cube, is a high quality Aluminium Fidget Toy for relaxing minds and is a great sensory tactile distraction aid. It feels great in your hand as you repetitively move it in to place. Nice and portable. Take it along anywhere you go!




sensorysam.co.nz


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## Finalcanter

@MeditativeRider 
Thank you! I'll take a look at it. Anything could help at this point. I appreciate your experience/response!


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## Finalcanter

No lesson for this week. I'm going to spend some time with family. I'll have to ask my group-mate how her lesson went tomorrow-- hopefully it goes well.


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## Finalcanter

It was a very nice morning today, not too cold. I took my lesson on a horse that liked his job (despite my stirrups being a smidge short to my legs which made me feel and look like a sack of potatoes!). It didn't look to pretty on video in some instances, better in others, but I had a good lesson, It went by really quick though. The horse wasn't too annoyed with my 'I forgot how to ride' shenanigans so that's a plus!

We warmed up with some trot work and sitting trot. We did some cantering, though I wasn't too great at getting the right lead which is usually my weaker side. I also saw on video my back was a bit curled in every other stride. It looked like my spine was doing the wave-- I'm not even sure how to describe it. I'm going to assume it was because my arms were locked as I made the reins shorter while my seat moved with the canter, but my arms didn't. I'll have to remind myself to keep my posture up and try to relax my arms. 

I really liked that little horse though! He was very 'chill' but not in a distracted sense. It was also nice to be outside. It felt less crowded than being indoors. 

I took some screenshots from the videos (sans rounded back ha).


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## knightrider

Very nice pictures! You look great! So does the cute horse.


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## Finalcanter

@knightrider Thank you!


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## lb27312

Great pics! You looked pretty relaxed!


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## Finalcanter

A thought induced, conversation induced conundrum.

A recent conversation with someone had me doing some 'informational' window shopping. Yet I was a little frustrated at how sparse what I was looking for was. I quickly realization that sport horses of specific breeds are mostly sold as foals. We talked about this and why; probably to offload the costs of keeping and training the horse.
After googling, I can find mature X horses from small private sellers, but call me weird: I like a fairly ' previous owner hands off' approach after purchasing. Also for other reasons, I wouldn't really buy from small family sellers. I've seen too much.

We talked about the crosses we liked most or have ridden. I have liked very peculiar crosses- but nothing unheard of. I like friesians, TBs, and morgans-- I was about to purchase a cross before it fell through (and it still hurts). So I spent some hours today looking for anywhere that might have them, just to weigh options down the road. Yet it was slim pickings from dealers. Most sites only sell foals, of course! We joked about just getting the purebreds and having a long horse trailer in tow for each breed.

I guess that's what it comes down to if what you like is not widely available for sale as trained prospects. Having been on many breeds of horses, I'm amazed I'm so picky about it. But they say you like what you like, and some I just... don't.

*THE TL DR*:

My brain-fart logic: Friesians aren't exactly all around horses. I like to jump occasionally and want to dabble in some non serious eventing. So oops-- guess I'll need a backup horse eventually if I go that route! Black morgans might as well be featherless friesians with how thin they're making modern friesians look (I'm KIDDING a little here..two different breeds with aesthetic similarities). Although morgans are on the smaller side for me, they are more athletic.
TBs are...well... I've been on enough of them (they're great but not as a first horse for me).

Once my mind is set it's pretty set--I might just have to eventually get two horses to scratch a few years long itch! But after recent events, I'm still getting over some feelings. The question is, what one will come first. As it stands... for whatever reason I'm having some difficulty finding Morgan dealers. Friesians seem more accessible. I'll keep looking.


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## carshon

I would have thought you would go with a nice TB. They are usually plentiful and easily trainable and most (at least in my area) are reasonably priced. I see a lovely TB at one of the parks I trail ride at. He is a semi-retired eventer and a doll on a trail ride.


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## whisperbaby22

You might want to look at friesian crosses. I do see them from time to time out here. Appaloosa crosses usually just make a black so so horse. Crosses with andalusians are called warlander, and are pretty spectacular. I like best crossed with quarter horses. I've seen some really nice ones.


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## egrogan

To find a sport Morgan, FB (I'm not allowed to link, but take a look at: Morgan Sport Resource, Morgans in Dressage, Sharing our Morgan Horses, ISO Morgan Horse) and morganshowcase.com are updated frequently and generally with quality horses/breeders. This question of pricing a horse under saddle vs. weanling/yearling is frequently rehashed on the Morgan FB pages. It's why a lot of older breeders are retiring, they want to sell foals and not hold on to a horse until it's 3-4-5 years old. And buyers want a horse well started under saddle and ready to start moving up the levels in a particular discipline. The breed is really missing the young horse trainers (though I don't think that's unique to just Morgans, I think that's an industry wide problem). Right now, it seems like you can buy a quality Morgan sporthorsey yearling for $7500-$10K and under saddle (especially if you're looking on the taller side) for $20-40K.

I get the joke about some show Morgans being on the wispy side, yet at the same time, the nice sport prospects _are_ out there (Moana Morgans, Kennebec Morgans, East of Equinox, Starberry Morgans, Blue and White Morgans, Merriewold Morgans) and some of them are from show lines but just started in a different direction. You could also search The Morgan Horse magazine for one of the bloodlines article about prominent sires and dams in FEI lines. Find Kathleen Bailey on FB and watch her awesome videos of eventing with Rugby and that will link you in to a network of people around New England. They are out there, you just have to dig a bit.


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## Finalcanter

@carshon 

Although I like TBs, I'm burnt out of them (and wouldn't want a pure TB as a first horse). A lot of them _are_ nice though.


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## Finalcanter

whisperbaby22 said:


> You might want to look at friesian crosses. I do see them from time to time out here. Appaloosa crosses usually just make a black so so horse. Crosses with andalusians are called warlander, and are pretty spectacular. I like best crossed with quarter horses. I've seen some really nice ones.


I've been looking all morning. Unfortunately many of the sites that sell them are either outdated or only selling foals (or one horse at a time- if any are available). In fact, my search for them made me write the post. I've searched the directories/sellers from friesian heritage, etc. I'm still looking though, so eventually when I'm ready, a horse might pop up. 





egrogan said:


> To find a sport Morgan, FB (I'm not allowed to link, but take a look at: Morgan Sport Resource, Morgans in Dressage, Sharing our Morgan Horses, ISO Morgan Horse) and morganshowcase.com are updated frequently and generally with quality horses/breeders. This question of pricing a horse under saddle vs. weanling/yearling is frequently rehashed on the Morgan FB pages. It's why a lot of older breeders are retiring, they want to sell foals and not hold on to a horse until it's 3-4-5 years old. And buyers want a horse well started under saddle and ready to start moving up the levels in a particular discipline. The breed is really missing the young horse trainers (though I don't think that's unique to just Morgans, I think that's an industry wide problem). Right now, it seems like you can buy a quality Morgan sporthorsey yearling for $7500-$10K and under saddle (especially if you're looking on the taller side) for $20-40K.
> 
> I get the joke about some show Morgans being on the wispy side, yet at the same time, the nice sport prospects _are_ out there (Moana Morgans, Kennebec Morgans, East of Equinox, Starberry Morgans, Blue and White Morgans, Merriewold Morgans) and some of them are from show lines but just started in a different direction. You could also search The Morgan Horse magazine for one of the bloodlines article about prominent sires and dams in FEI lines. Find Kathleen Bailey on FB and watch her awesome videos of eventing with Rugby and that will link you in to a network of people around New England. They are out there, you just have to dig a bit.


Thank you Egrogan for the leads on facebook, and all the morgan information! You have added a few hours to my research and I'm pretty excited for it. Just to comb through options. I had a suspicion about the lack of trainers lately. You're absolutely correct about it being an industry wide issue. It really is a shame, but in a way, understandable. 
I'll join some of those fb groups as well. Just to get a feel. I want to be as in the know as possible just in case life takes an upswing.


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## Finalcanter

Doing some more window looking, I've seen a few individuals on horse sale sites who constantly put out horses in their location-- they're like their own dealer. Typically, I'd avoid sites like equine now and dreamhorse (hard to tell what's authentic, how attached the owner is and more often than not the horses listed lack a lot of information). But I'm wondering if I should have more faith in those types of sites.

Last thought on this for tonight...I seemingly rediscovered the site warmbloodsales, and there are plenty of sporthorses! I hope the supply doesn't fizzle out when I'm ready. I knew the market was wild in current times, but I didn't know the extent. This market is insane. People are buying foals before they hit the ground (or literally after they're posted as yearlings on facebook--at least it seems like it!) and horses are flying like hot cakes. This is _not _a market to be sitting and waiting. If you see something you need to jump on it! Thankfully I'm not seriously looking. I have a feeling it won't slow down for a while either so I'll have to go with the flow.


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## Finalcanter

I'll have to add the picture(s) when I can get them off my phone. It was quite a chilly day, and it even began to flurry a fair bit, which I guess that would be our first flurries here in the NY tristate area. It was cold, but I was feeling pretty ready to ride. I was on that little horse again! He really does try, and the lesson went pretty smoothly--almost to the point where (on video at least) it looked like I never left riding! Honestly, I give the horse the credit for that one--he's very smooth to ride. The fact that I can sit his canter with no issue at any direction was pretty neat to see (this tends to be a weaker point for me with some horses). I believe my muscle memory has kicked in most of the way!


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## Finalcanter

Well, nothing spectacular but I have captured a very cute face!


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## Finalcanter

_insert slightly anxious face here_
It might as well be a ground poll, but between the flowerbox and my time off, I'm just glad I had a great little horse to ride. He's the one in the previous post too. His name is simon haha


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## whisperbaby22

You look great on this horse, this last photo you are in the center of the jump and you and the horse seem to be looking in the same direction. Good form.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @whisperbaby22 !

___

Drove the new car to the barn today- more so to get used to it than anything. At least before driving it to and from work (which is worse traffic). That's coming along smoothly at least. It felt like I was running errands all day, and finally I can relax. I wish I had a few more days off! The weekends can go by so quick.


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## MeditativeRider

Exciting for the new car. What colour did you go with in the end? 

Simon is cute. Do you get to ride him every time you go?


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## Finalcanter

@MeditativeRider 

So far it seems like I get him often. 

Also about the car, I wanted something small like what I'm used to...but somehow I really ended up liking something else when I went to the dealer. The only one on the lot. I took some time and took the plunge in the water. It was long overdue! A dark grey (blueish?) Hyundai kona! I was nervous it would be such a change from what I had, and it was, but I got used to it very quickly!


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## Finalcanter

I am going to enjoy my time with family this Christmas. My mother and I booked a flight in November, it got canceled late last night but we managed to find another flight three minutes after we got the alert--thank goodness! Though this morning was tough and even though we ran into some unsavory people and situations, we are finally with family and cozy. 

An update on my situation, I had gotten a CT scan which showed a distended stomach. Not all telling, but I am on pantoprazole as my g.i doc wants me to treat my pain,heartburn and nausea as if I have an ulcer. I get an endoscopy on the 6th (a day after my birthday go figure ahah...). But the sooner the better--I can't really bare this anymore. Two months of not really eating, I'm just now forming a list of foods that might be safe. Strangely, foods that traditionally seem safe (rice, sweet potato) cause me pain. I can't lose any more weight otherwise I'll be in double digits (I'm a hard gainer. More than a TB haha)....I was strength training pretty decently and aimed for a high but healthy calorie diet---all that temporarily out the window. I try not to think about it..it's hard to say the least. My weight is on a lifeline, and has been for years (not by anything of my doing.)..

Working with three guesses so far: gerd (I've had it before but never this serious), ibs, ulcer...
It could very well be more than one and that is what I've been told. Not cool.

THAT ASIDE, I am so ready to enjoy this vacation and hope everyone here is finding some peace! We got snow this morning in New York. Almost* a white Christmas.









I took that pic at 6 in thd morning..


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## MeditativeRider

Love the color, nice car, and it looks great for you!


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## MeditativeRider

Enjoy your family time. I am glad you got a flight.

I hope you can find some things to eat that don't irritate your tum and help you keep on (or gain) weight. I also hope you get some answers soon and it is something that is manageable going forward.


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## knightrider

Congratulations! Nice car and you look good in it!


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## whisperbaby22

Enjoy your Christmas, the photo looks cool, and cold! We are having cold and wet weather here in So Cal where is usually is so hot.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you all! I hope you guys had a merry Christmas (if you celebrate) and are having a good holiday season so far!


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## Finalcanter

Happy New Year~


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## MeditativeRider

Happy new year to you too. Thank you for posting your beautiful picture.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @MeditativeRider 
--
Today I stumbled upon an interesting short article while scratching my head figuring out what makes a horse good for dressage vs. jumping conformation wise. Moreso when one owns some type of crossbred. Of course- the real truth: it all depends if the horse likes his/her job lol! Jokes aside, I love learning about breed morphology/anatomy of many animals! Consider it a special interest I suppose. 





__





Conformation and the Sport Horse | The Horse Magazine






www.horsemagazine.com


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## knightrider

Wow! That is surely an interesting article! I think you should share it with the whole Forum, as some people don't read journals, and I would love to know other people's opinions about that article. I am so glad you put that article in your journal . . . and I am so glad I read your journal too!


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @knightrider, I'll think about writing the post and sharing the article a little later!


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## Finalcanter

I feel so busy lately. I want to write that thread but goodness, working at a school with shortages in both students and staff (and I mean a LOT) is physically draining for sure! 

But on an excellent note- today _is_ a little special: I'm a year older!
Also, I won an Equestrian sponsored sweepstakes! Funny story, I was actually looking at breeches and got a pair a few days ago with some gift money. The sweepstakes prize was fullseat breeches
I've never owned full seats so I'm very excited to try them!

The great thing about breeches is as long as you keep them in proper shape and clean they'll last a while. I might be off and on with riding currently but it's only a matter of time, heh! _crosses fingers for the future_


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## egrogan

Just don't drive in a car with leather seats wearing your full-seats, or you might find yourself stuck 🤣 Congrats though, it's fun to win a contest!


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## MeditativeRider

Happy birthday! Exciting on winning the breeches.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you guys! 
And @egrogan I could totally see myself doing that by accident. If I do--you'll be sure to hear it on here haha!


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## Finalcanter

So, on the 6th I had my endoscopy to figure out my current pretty severe digestive discomfort..
I am still waiting on the Dr. to call an explain it some more to me, as I was very 'out of it' under the anesthesia, but from reading my results:

-There's no ulcer, which is good
-No cancer cells

-There is a hiatal hernia which could be causing everything
-My entire digestive tract was inflamed and red that morning
-Chronic GERD is very likely alongside everything, as well as potentially chronic gastritis..

I'm not sure what to think. I just want to sleep peacefully for once and feel comfortable through the day...I didn't want anything to be chronic. It's not easy to manage. I'll see if I can reach out to my G.I today..
Also maybe I can get a second opinion too.


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## Finalcanter

Well....now I know why all my breeches no longer fit. I've lost a lot of weight and can't afford to anymore. I need to resolve these digestive issues...I'm under 100lbs now.... 
I'm still writing a log of what things bother me, so that's at least a good thing to keep track of. I have high calorie shakes, which thankfully don't bother my stomach..

I'm just so upset with that, although I know it's not my fault..


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## egrogan

Sorry to see you’re still not feeling well. My husband struggles with being underweight because of autoimmune issues that also affect his appetite, and it can be very frustrating. Hope your doctors help you get some answers.


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## MeditativeRider

I am glad it is not an ulcer on cancer. Keep up the high calorie shakes and keep trying to find a specialist to help you. Cling on to every little bit of weight that you can in the mean time by eating whatever it takes that your body can handle. Can you get referred to a dietician to help plan your diet to keep weight on/regain some?

My husband is just trying to find out some issues he has. Not sure what it is yet. But he broke his knee ridiculously easy slipping on grass early last year. They said it was an 'old lady fracture' at the time. Then they did a dexa scan recently and he has osteoporosis, at 40! They said with how low his bone density is, it must have been like that his whole life (he has had a number of breaks from minor accidents over time), and he probably has an underlying condition that is depleting bone/stopping calcium adsorption. So that it is not possible it was caused by diet (we are vegetarian and dairy free but make sure to keep up with calcium, vit D, and vit B12; he had the vit D and B12 check in blood tests as well and they are fine). One of the things that could have caused it is if he has celiacs (but he has no other symptoms). Apparently there is a form of silent celiacs where you have no digestive issues. Still waiting for test results. Not that is related to yours at all, but I feel you on the frustrations.


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## Finalcanter

egrogan said:


> Sorry to see you’re still not feeling well. My husband struggles with being underweight because of autoimmune issues that also affect his appetite, and it can be very frustrating. Hope your doctors help you get some answers.


I'm sorry to hear that, Egrogan.. It really is frustrating when one thing leads to another, particularly concerning health. 
Has he tried any of those high calorie shakes? Like ensure or boost?





MeditativeRider said:


> I am glad it is not an ulcer on cancer. Keep up the high calorie shakes and keep trying to find a specialist to help you. Cling on to every little bit of weight that you can in the mean time by eating whatever it takes that your body can handle. Can you get referred to a dietician to help plan your diet to keep weight on/regain some?
> 
> My husband is just trying to find out some issues he has. Not sure what it is yet. But he broke his knee ridiculously easy slipping on grass early last year. They said it was an 'old lady fracture' at the time. Then they did a dexa scan recently and he has osteoporosis, at 40! They said with how low his bone density is, it must have been like that his whole life (he has had a number of breaks from minor accidents over time), and he probably has an underlying condition that is depleting bone/stopping calcium adsorption. So that it is not possible it was caused by diet (we are vegetarian and dairy free but make sure to keep up with calcium, vit D, and vit B12; he had the vit D and B12 check in blood tests as well and they are fine). One of the things that could have caused it is if he has celiacs (but he has no other symptoms). Apparently there is a form of silent celiacs where you have no digestive issues. Still waiting for test results. Not that is related to yours at all, but I feel you on the frustrations.


I was referred to a dietician, though it was not the right fit for me (I also had a change in insurance lately). I've been eating more and despite some nights, I can actually sleep decently. So that's a plus at least. I'm trying my best to gain back the muscle I lost.

And oh goodness- that's pretty young to develop (or worsen ongoing) osteoporosis! That's pretty scary. I hope he finds answers via the blood test. Finding definitive results with that alone can be tricky-- but I hope everything will work out for the both of you!


----------



## Finalcanter

Some horse-y thoughts..

Between medical appointments and just being lax about riding in general, I haven't ridden in about 4 weeks. Snow is on the way right before my lesson day and I'll go if it's not canceled. I'll be fine either way. My horse time has been pretty low and lessons don't satisfy me concerning that. For me this is one big waiting game. Kind of day by day.. week by week,etc.


----------



## Finalcanter

It was absolutely freezing out but I did have my lesson. A friend tagged along as well. I enjoyed the time back at the barn- at least for a little bit! I've come to regard the lessons as a way to not lose too much muscle memory versus. I went back to beginner mode but thats okay for me right now! In fact, I lost my balance in two point position! I used to canter in two point often-- I'm surprised I lost it (not mad about it, just intrigued). I do know why I lost it though. Several factors. But it'll be regained eventually. 

This was a horse who had a great trot, but didn’t want to do much else. He did do a few tiny crossrails for me- though he would have rather had treats and hugs instead.


----------



## Finalcanter

I had a pretty good lesson in a long while--and it wasn't even anything crazy. So my friend and I had to ride the same horse today. The horse had a great trot for both of us (I reaaaally love how forward his trot is). That said, he liked to root down his neck when someone asked for the canter. I was familiar with this from quite a few fussy schoolies. My friend couldn't quite push his buttons. During my lesson, I gave it a go. After a few....interesting tries and getting over the antics, I think he finally assumed I wasn't going to let him fool around. I was told (in a suprised way) that I had got him on the bit and thinking about engaging his hind legs better. 

As much as I've been riding, I had trouble realizing when a horse was on the bit or not. It seems obvious, but when you ride schoolies that learn to stop as soon as they brace on the bit (or ones that lean into it heavy on the fore), it gets muddled. To me at least. All these years I've ridden mostly with a somewhat loose rein with varying contact due to adjusting to each horse and vices. To add that several schoolies didn't quite understand the seat aids either, so riding into the bit was lost on both of us. 'On the bit' was just something I forgot about at times on pokey schoolies- I just wanted to get them going. That was the first and main goal. In my mind I would want a horse to listen to me and move with a good pace before thinking of doing anything else. 

I think it clicked for me (again). At first I thought he might've been a bit behind the vertical. But he seemed to move freely and gave me a collected trot, and walk to canter.
--
No lesson Sunday- or at least I doubt it.. 
A snowstorm is going to dump nearly a foot of snow on us for the weekend. 
I apologize for the smaller images..


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## whisperbaby22

Yea, very nice.


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## knightrider

Can we get an update on your health?


----------



## Finalcanter

knightrider said:


> Can we get an update on your health?


Yes--of course! I appreciate the concern. 
I am still experiencing the same symptoms unfortunately. Though it's not every night any more...maybe four days out of the week or so. I had to stay after work because it got bad and I was uncertain I'd make it home in on piece (but I did)!. The next test to do would be a colonoscopy. If that doesn't show anything, I might go for a second opinion. If all else fails to find something specific, the doctor said irritable bowel syndrome might be likely...though I haven't heard of IBS causing such urgent (and annoying) nausea. Blood work and the like are normal, everything so far seems normal and that is quite frustrating. Especially the fact that it's lowering quality of life a bit. I am eating normally again (avoiding things I feel might cause upset or any heartburn--even though the set of symptoms I'm having comes and goes regardless). Tum and gasX reduce the symptoms but I need to take it as soon as I feel something. I stopped taking the PPI because I'm not very comfortable with it and long term effects (I also don't think stomach acid is the issue here), and the dicyclomine I started having issues with lately. I'll follow up with the doctor on monday..


----------



## Finalcanter

After buying my mother a pair of ovation snow boots as an early birthday gift (she absolutely loves them), I realized that I had no winter riding boots myself (well, ones that actually fit)/. My previous snow riding boots are too big for my foot to comfortably ride in and are well past the date of return by a few years! I was able to buy the same pair I bought my mother. Hopefully finding the solution for cold feet in the arena during the winter! 

Since I have two pairs of actual snow boots at home now, I might make these ones more exclusive to riding or barn wear, as the others aren't really suitable for that.
I haven't received any word on canceling the lesson tomorrow. It's supposed to be sunny, and the snow crews are working now. Maybe I might give them a spin tomorrow after all.


----------



## Finalcanter

I found out my lesson was actually canceled as I was halfway there. Oops. It was a sunny day, so I figured it was nice to get out. 


--some [Friesian] horse thoughts---

I’ve been following browsing around some accomplished dressage riders who ride Friesians (like P. Mannaerts for example) for a little while now, and have noticed there’s a lot of modern type Friesians holding their own in the arena. The Friesian Horses youtube channel among others is nice to see concerning the movement of young horses (and how they obtain their predicates when they go for inspections). Even looking at the sales ads on black sterling Friesians and watching the movements of each individual—something definitely seems different with the breed via movement nowadays.

I revisited some Friesian topics on various horse forums (I do this too often enough), and most seem to be from the previous decade- or older (2006ish- maybe 2015 at most). Those tend to be of ‘bearish’ sentiment towards the breed in regards to their competitive side or even just in general. I can somewhat liken it to the dislike of Arabians (I’ll admit…I’m not a fan of that breed but it's not striking a nerve). Anyway, I can only find very few topics in the recent years about the breed (I wish there was subforum here if I’m honest. They don’t really fit the ‘draft section’ much, but I’ll actually get to that. I also think there should be more breeds added to the breed subforums but I’m straying off topic here)!

I’m doing some loose detective work. It seems to me from the outside looking in that within the last decade, the ‘modern type’ of Friesian has been developed much further along with more of a sporty emphasis. Even among the different predicates, the Friesian bloodlines are and have been increasingly from lighter baroque or modern builds. I do not find the heavier classic types to be very common anymore—on any site, ad or through breeders. I _personally_ like the directive as the Friesian is becoming more versatile as riding horses generation after generation. I’m going to research it more—as to how that is being done via breeding lines, and what exactly started the trend towards this type (was it people’s opinions initially on the breed? I could certainly see that…). Or perhaps it wasn’t that shallow.

I would want to compare the differences of the classic build vs. the light baroque and modern build too. For example, how does their stamina compare (I still notice some Friesians having trouble keeping the canter for sustained periods, but I’ve seen trained ones do pretty long dressage tests without constant walk breaks, and able to hold a canter for several laps). I do have my own reservations concerning some individual’s movements—their ‘runaway freight train’ canter as I like to call it seems to be a bit contained in the modern types, especially with some training to engage their hindend involved. I also wished they had a bit more of a relaxed neck carriage when riding as it seems like all they want to do is curl their necks in. Reminds me of PREs. I just want to say “relax..”

I feel they’re being given a second wind as of late, and I have some digging to do!


----------



## Finalcanter

I might post some more pictures when I get a chance to look at the videos, but kyle (not to be mistaken from the other schoolie 'kyle' at the other stable I rode often) was just not having a good day. He was fine medically speaking, not in any pain. My riding was okay, my contact was not tight and he moved off of that decently. He was pretty happy to trot. We decided to canter nicely twice around, and then he decided that was enough.

He threw a few small 'kicking up the heels' and bunny hop tantrums (at least it wasn't crow hop central-- this didn't ruin my confidence and we continued with some trot work). I felt bad for my friend as she went around and had a nice canter on him as well.. only for him to do a tiny rear into a seasaw like buck (she nearly sat it too, but unfortunately landed behind the saddle, not on it). I've only met the horse three times, so I don't know how common this is for him. I know he's buddy sour. He understood contact better than the previous horse, but he did lean into the bit like the previous horse, and dropping contact caused them to drop the gait (I've seen this happen a lot). Kyle is pretty good about trotting forward with any contact. The canter, he'll refuse without it..
I've also seen some school horses pull some stunts to avoid harder work, so the tantrums to me are more in the realm of 'annoyed schoolie' behavior. I don't blame them. I didn't want to go to work monday either..


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## whisperbaby22

From what I can see in the photo, he does look more like annoyed than anything else.


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## Finalcanter

Lesson with the 'grey kyle' consisted of a battle of wills in steering and the nervousness to correct said behavior with more leg/crop since he bucks. I was talking to a boarder who said even experienced riders either get bucked off him when he's had enough. Why would anyone ride a horse who does this purposefully? 

I was not in the mood to get hurt, so we just wandered around a bit. I long for the day to get out of these types of lessons on these types of horses (at least, for them being my only horse-time every other week). My confidence is just not at a certain level with bucking/rearing horses. I can do bolts, small hissy fits, head tossing...but why would I put myself in those situations anyway, for 30 minutes every two weeks? It might be different if I rode him more and could expect it better, but I value myself more than the potential pain of riding this horse. At least right now. It's upseting a bit, to not have any riding goal to work towards but I'll request a different safer horse and get on with it. 

I don't think riding unsafe horses makes a rider 'tough'. But just my opinion I suppose.


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## MeditativeRider

I am the same. I just have no time for horses like that. It is completely fine to only want to ride well behaved horses!

I am just about to head off to my lesson this morning. I do 45 min once a week. It is already a 30 min drive to get there, so I spend 1 h driving in total to ride for 45 min. Today it will involve taking my kids to my mum's first, which adds will add another 1 h to the driving because I have to go in the other direction to my lesson. So I am a bit, is this worth it??? Particularly with the price of petrol these days.

I don't want to stop though because if I do, I doubt I would go back to for a number of years because my situation would not change to make it any more worthwhile until then.


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## Finalcanter

MeditativeRider said:


> I am the same. I just have no time for horses like that. It is completely fine to only want to ride well behaved horses!
> 
> I am just about to head off to my lesson this morning. I do 45 min once a week. It is already a 30 min drive to get there, so I spend 1 h driving in total to ride for 45 min. Today it will involve taking my kids to my mum's first, which adds will add another 1 h to the driving because I have to go in the other direction to my lesson. So I am a bit, is this worth it??? Particularly with the price of petrol these days.
> 
> I don't want to stop though because if I do, I doubt I would go back to for a number of years because my situation would not change to make it any more worthwhile until then.


That's a fair bit of driving! I hope you had a decent lesson today.
It's always interesting to see someone in a similar boat. We can only hope for good lessons here on out. I also have posted similar thoughts of 'is it worth it' many times on this journal, but I'll stick with it. Just to not further lose the riding skillset I had. Riding pushy horses does not help.


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## MeditativeRider

Lesson was short but it was outside of anyones control. Horse had subtle lameness that we only found trotting when that leg was on the inside. So we stopped after we found that.

Edited to add: So I guess to make myself feel better about lack of horse ownership, is that in a situation like this where the horse is lame, I don't have to figure out what is causing it or pay the bills.

I also keep going to lessons so I don't lose what skills I have.


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## Finalcanter

@MeditativeRider Sad to hear the lesson was cut short. But you're absolutely right about the vet bill part. Playing detective work to figure out what's going on with a horse health wise is a bit beyond me at times. Some show discomfort and others don't. Glad you guys were able to pick up on it at least.


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## Finalcanter

Speaking of discomfort, I didn't get much sleep due to continued issues and pain with my abdominal area. I still have some pain as I type this, and it's been since 3am. Usually the cramping, twisting discomfort doesn't last into the morning, but on occasion it does. However it is a bit predictable at times. I can almost time it--it usually happens 7-8 hours after my last meal of the day. I ate at 7pm last night and low and behold. It reminds me of the times I've had food poisoning in similar time frames...but I ruled that out after it happened night after night. I did have a sweet potato last night and sweet potato was on my 'this might hurt me but I'm unsure' list. And here we are. Yet any type of food allergen or food causing disease was ruled out by my first doctor that tested for it. My body reacts to a strange food assortment, and yet, it will sometimes act up regardless of what I eat. Perhaps it's not food causing the entire issue. 


I decided to call the assistant of the doctor I am now seeing to gauge if some sample results came back. They did (I assumed so, since it's a week and a half). I was told to make an appointment to come into the office to have the results shared. I thought that was strange at first, since results for other tests are often shared via phone. Maybe this office works differently. I want to blissfully assume maybe the results are too complicated to simply share over the phone. Then again they could've emailed me too if that were the case? Long story short, I'll be headed to the office on Wednesday.


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## MeditativeRider

Hope you can work it out and the results are helpful. 

You can have food sensitivities/intolerances that are not allergies, and they are more likely to cause digestive issues. You also can't pick them up on a test and just have to do a food elimination diet to figure it out. A food that causes an allergy would more give you things like a rash or difficulty breathing, whereas foods that you are sensitive give you gastro effects. I am intolerant to all dairy products and I mainly get really extreme stomach pain, gas, bloating, diarrhea, nausea, depending on how much I have eaten and what types. I try avoid it all now but it is hard sometimes as they add dairy-derived products to many commercial products like bread and dark chocolate (which used to be a safe dairy free option) these days.

The horse I ride has also for a while had a little sweat patch on his shoulder that I asked about and the coach said could be caused by a pinched nerve. It is on the same side that he was lame on yesterday. Hoping if it is all linked that it is something easy for her to get fixed because she only just purchased him as a lesson horse, and he is her only one.


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## Finalcanter

Late night update-- I'm tired from everything today, but I have my family for some support..
Long story short the samples had extremely elevated biomarkers that pointed towards Celiac Disease..
I am waiting on bloodwork to confirm if that is what it is--they took 13 vials of the stuff so something will give. This is lifechanging. I guess if not for nothing, I'm glad 'gluten-free' is a big trend...yet I still can't shake the thought I possibly have an autoimmune disorder/disease. The cause for my digestive issues, and weight difficulties all because my body is overreacting and attacking itself. I guess we all have crap to deal with in our lives..

I just need some time to process.


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## MeditativeRider

I liked the post because I am glad you found out now. Sorry you have to deal with this.


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## whisperbaby22

Yes, glad you are getting some answers here. I'm old enough to have gone through some stuff myself, and not knowing is the worst.


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## Finalcanter

So I'm very very annoyed right now. The doc was so sure and as was the PA. I relayed my thoughts here and elsewhere due to their certainty. They retook my blood test and said that I did not have the genes for celiac. 

All this stomach pain, fatigue and urgencies-- all for more non conclusive solutions! My sample test showed I don't tolerate gluten to great, so I will voluntarily stay off of it for a few weeks to see if anything makes a difference. It just seems so difficult to just get a straight answer. I'm tired of waking up out of my sleep due to digestive issues, headaches and having fatigue all day. The doc wants to do a more thorough GI test though the only appointment I got was near the end of this month. She's concerned about my stomach and wants to look at the small bowel (unexplored by the other doctor). Will something show up? I just have to wait again...
I'm hoping at the end of all this I can have a real answer. I know how much people write off abdominal issues and would put it under 'irritable bowel syndrome' because they stopped looking for the issue. This sudden medical complexity is becoming a big hindrance. 

Sorry for those who were concerned given the last post. I was too. Now I'm just angry.


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## MeditativeRider

Frustrating. So have they done two blood tests and one indicated you do have celiacs and the other that you do not? I would be wanting further tests to follow up and clarify on that because how do you know what test result to believe. Have you had an endoscopy for anything? 

As much as it is annoying, I would not stop eating gluten till you have something of a diagnosis because if you stop eating, then it can make it hard to detect.


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## Finalcanter

Some part of me feels like the


MeditativeRider said:


> Frustrating. So have they done two blood tests and one indicated you do have celiacs and the other that you do not? I would be wanting further tests to follow up and clarify on that because how do you know what test result to believe. Have you had an endoscopy for anything?
> 
> As much as it is annoying, I would not stop eating gluten till you have something of a diagnosis because if you stop eating, then it can make it hard to detect.


They coupled it with the fact that the biopsy from my prior endoscopy showed preserved villi. 
I think between the two tests was evidence enough for them that I'm in the clear for that disease. 
I've heard the antibodies stay in your body for a month or two before tests can't pick it up. Not unlike antibodies for an illness, they will show up after a while before tapering, as I've just started the diet a week ago. That said, I guess there's no point in a retest. My doc wants to move forward now. I hope accurate answers come to light..


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## Finalcanter

The barn that I'm rriding at currenly has decided that in order to keep your weekly 30 minute lesson you must buy a package. No more than 30 minutes (boarders have longer time availability). They will charge fees for cards on file and upped the lesson price. I kind of understand it's the cost of business but I don't have package money (ballpark of $750 for 10 lessons). 

Might take a hiatus from lessons. Again. I wasn't truly enjoying the school horses here, which set me back a bit, so perhaps this is a good thing. Understandably I'm just a little bummed. It is what it is in these times. I had a plan, it fell through, and I'm back at square one with riding. I'll wait.


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## knightrider

It's one setback after another. I am so sad for you. People like us need to ride to stay happy.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @knightrider 
I absolutely agree..
Yes life does seem to do that, but I feel it's just the universe testing my resolve back in October and now. My trainer says not to worry about the package situation, but honestly, I think I just need time to process other things right now. I'm also just not having a good learning experience with my current lessons, and it's become a chore. I'll return to it one of these days.


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## Finalcanter

Quick health update...
My ct/contrast small bowel follow through was literally canceled last minute early this morning because the machinery was down at the place I was going to. It was a whirlwind trying to call up another place to reschedule as soon as possible and then tell the job that I actually was coming in today due to what happened.

There were only a few places that did the test I needed and most were a week to two weeks out.... I've been waiting since the 9th (Which was scheduled from February 8th. Thats how far things were pushed out)! Thankfully there was one place that would do it first thing tomorrow. The caveat: It's in Manhattan. I do* have a family member to drive me thankfully. I hope the procedure goes well, with minimum after affects.


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## Finalcanter

So I did the test. It was different than my last ct scan and included a few cups of barium to swallow (as well as fizzy crystals to expand the stomach). The barium was absolutely disgusting to get down the three cups. I was okay after the procedure for a bit, but have cramping. Several trips to the bathroom. I guess I'm unlucky in that regard as far as symptoms.

The radiologist notes again note that my stomach was distended throughout the test and suggested possible stomach emptying issues. I'm thinking a capsule camera endoscopy could've identified that too. For me, the symptoms right now was not worth the previous hassel...but it had to be done I suppose. Still looking for more solid answers.


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## twhvlr

You’ve probably already done this but I saw some commercials on TV for testing to see what foods one is sensitive to. I thought of you. Have you tried anything like that?


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## knightrider

@4horses has some severe stomach issues and lots of tests. She knows now she has gastroparesis. It might benefit you if you want to pm her and discuss.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @knightrider 
@twhvlr my G.I highly suspects gastroparesis. I'll be taking another test later this month to see how much time it takes for food to pass. Who knew it would be such a problem.
Thankfully that test does not involve barium..


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## Finalcanter

Happy Resurrection Sunday

I need to really vent..

Well, I think I'm done with tests, mentally. I had the 4 hour emptying test yesterday. Got the results late last night.
"No evidence of gastroparesis, normal emptying".

I guess I should be happy with that. I'm tired of things being 'highly suspected' and they turn out to be nothing. I guess that's how doctors rule things out though..
At this point I'm on the verge of giving up with that and just trying to live normally again. My G.I doctor may want a follow up appointment to discuss another test but I'm not optimistic concerning tests anymore. I'm just going to continue to take probiotics. I'll see what she says and I'll go through the motions if I have to..

I notice that every few years I have gone to the hospital or specialist for the same set of issues. Whatever I'm dealing with seems to flare up. But everything keeps coming back inconclusive. I'm so frustrated I could break down in tears from the unknown-- you don't just lose ten pounds in three months from nothing, I missed work from this pain, I missed hours of sleep from being woken up; couldn't eat properly for months.


I'm speaking out of emotion I know..
I'm just going to try to live my life. Whatever happens will happen.


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## Finalcanter

Rant aside, I do focus on the good in my life more often than not..but I just have to let some things out, and type away those inner feelings. Things like this, that have taken away so much physically..
Or mentally like the 'other' thing (but hey that was horse related!)

So on the positive..
I'm starting to get back into a strength training routine after being too weak to continue my previous one. I'll have to up my calories substantially again now that I can eat a little bit more. Shakes help!

I might be going to The Belmont Stakes again this year as well.. I live close enough, anyway. My friends are also talking about the Hampton Classics (again, I live relatively close enough). We'll see!


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## knightrider

You have my sympathy, my heart, and my prayers. I can only imagine how discouraging and frustrating all the tests are.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @knightrider I truly appreciate it


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## Finalcanter

So let's start off with the not so great really really quick: long story short, I've spent most of yesterday with my mother in the ER due to her excruciating nerve pain (compressed nerve). I came home at 1, but I stayed up until 2am trying to get a huge 'you can't park here' sticket off of my driver side window because apparently I parked in the wrong area of the hospital. The stress unfortunately aggravated my stomach and I could not bare to get up at 5am for work knowing they put my mother on stronger drugs (she's already on strong painkillers-- the pain cut through morphine in 15 minutes, cut through and she's gotten no real relief from vicodin or percocet. Strong steriods seem to help, however). 
I've decided to call out of work today to assist when she gets home. Also my aunt is coming up from NC today and I need to clean the house a bit more. But...
Onto better news next post..


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## Finalcanter

Yesterday I spent some time at the barn and I really enjoyed it. I was a bit afraid of going back to my 'old' barn, but anything is possible with chatty friends and a good lunch! We had a pretty good time (we're all taking breaks from riding for now, temporarily, but that won't mean we can't enjoy horses)! It was such a beautiful day and it was really something I needed as I have not fully enjoy the time off work as I should have prior to. This was definitely pleasant. I also got to see my favorite pony mare! She has yet to shed her wolly mammoth coat. Prime fluff for hugs imo..


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## Finalcanter

Things are going at their pace as of now. The warmer weather is wonderful here-- I will definitely take head outside after work!

In between proctoring some tests I picked up the graphic novel of Black Beauty in the library ~
I've never actually saw or read it beforehand


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## Finalcanter

Went with a friend, and a handful of family, to the Belmont Stakes (easy drive..about ten minutes from the house). Despite the wish-washy weather it was great and we had a lot of fun! Didn't take as many pictures this time.


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## Finalcanter

I guess this is getting old but I want to write here to keep my journal open and relevant for now. 

WORKPLACE BULLIES

So.. I'll shorten this up the best I can. Here should be a safe space to type this, but this is the internet. Anyway, As a new hire essentially (a year and a half in), I recieved word (and have seen first hand) that I am being sabotaged by two coordinators of a program I'm in currently. The job I do for the school is very important, and I follow the rules given by the main principal as well as a main director amd occasionally the main principal assistant. In this program, the authority for it is run by these two older lady 'crows' (without naming them). 

They have been lying to me, twisting the rules my director gave to me saying "do this, 'x' (the director) said so." Plot twist, she did nothing of the sort. The ire then comes down on me for disobedience, but I did try to clear things up with my director as curtly as possible. I also have a witness. 

The crows then tried to pull me away from my work several times and then did the usual "hey this isn't done yet, you're in charge of doing this job" (meanehile I am still being pulled to do classes as well as this other important job). I don't say much back anymore. It's only been a few days into the program, and I do as I'm told with the new hope that they'll leave me alone so I can do my job. I do it well. But I'm just hoping that my director knows that, because who is she going to trust at the end of the day: a new face, or them. 

Basically this is just the adult version of bullying. Unfortunately the bullys the advantage here in their position. Interestingly enough, I typed "I recieved word" in the beginning because it was the main Assist principal who spoke to me. She told me that I should walk lightly because she knows how "vindictive" (they're words) the crows can get, and has seen them ruin the jobs of others even to the point of losing them. 
If they're such a problem then why are they still around??

HEALTH UPDATE

So recently I went back to the gastro two days ago just to pick up from a few months ago. They want to try (again) the PPI and a pepcid combo. Since my liver enzymes were high when I took a blood test back in may, they wanted to set up a sonogram at a later date as well as take blood to check out the liver further (which they did the same day I was there). 
I also took an H.pylori breath test just in case. 

I told the doc that I took a more recent blood 're'test but have not received the results and it had been a week. So they called up my gp and they faxed it over. Well.. things of interest that were relatively normal levels (or normal but only a little low) have now slid to the low to very low spectrum. In particular my white blood cells and my platelets (went from 140 lowish normal in may to 113... certain white blood cells went down low as well). As a gastric doctor, the doc couldn't really tell what was causing such a drop. They referred me to a hematologist.

I never been to a hematologist before. But I'm sure they can provide better insight as to what may be happening. Needless to say on the way home as much as I tried to keep myself together I _almost_ got a bit teary. Maybe it's a simple explanation. I can fix whatever it is and go back to trying to put on more weight. Nothing bad was diagnosed. I think it was moreso the frustration of not knowing anything and why it's happening. Since october last year.. 


So other than those two things...this equestrian is doing her best. Trying to hang in there and still proud/strong, even if I have a moment's pause on some things. 
I just want to ride my troubles away under the early morning sun.....

One day.


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## Finalcanter

I'd like to do what may be the final update for _this_ journal..
I'll keep it short.

Health wise: 
I'm managing, trying to keep up with everything but not going to overwhelm myself. As I completed many of the G.I tests ordered for me, the last one to be discussed is a colonoscopy. I will wait a bit on that one for a few different reasons, but it's a possibility in the coming months.

Workplace Wise: 
I've kept my cool during the summer program and managed to get out alive. Now I can enjoy my summer a bit until September starts up, unless I decide otherwise. Working for the school has its perks and disadvantages as with any job, but it's a better fit for me than my previous ones. It'll be two years since I started.

Horse related: 
It's been pretty stagnant for several months, and I've accepted that. I know what I want to work towards, and am putting my foot down until then. I still will browse around the forums, but as for this journal, it is the close of a long story. But this is most likely just book #1 in a series. I can assure there will be a #2, as horses are a passion for me. This journal reflects on a lot as years passed, and shows many of the ups and downs I've faced with not only horses but in life. 2017 to 2022. 

For now, I will close this chapter. Thank you for all of the support (you know who you are)!. I will be back. Maybe even sooner than I think.


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## knightrider

I hope you return soon. I always click on your post right away when I see you have put up a new one. I hope your GI issues are resolved. (((((Hugs))))


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @knightrider, and I guess you're in some luck because I wrote my last post with the intention that I would have no more doctor follow ups or any post worthy news for a few months down the road. 

Finalcanter's medical mystery journal continues.. 

Last night was a night full of G.I issues, and I haven't felt that severity in a while. I was not a happy camper, so I scheduled a visit with my gastroenterologist for today. Here's what went on...

The colonoscopy that I said would be done in the coming months has now been turned into 'will be done next week' (results towards the end of the month if things go smoothly). 
I also got back my liver panel blood test I took a few weeks ago and I was (to my bewilderment) informed that I had Hepatitis A antibodies (???). They tested twice and both times it came up, so it's not a guesstimate finding- which after my last handful of tests, I was prepared for an error somewhere. 
I know hepatitis viruses attack the liver, but I've never needed to look up anything because it was completely off my radar (I am vaccinated from Hep.B since a young age). Unsurprisingly at this point a quick google search yields similar symptoms to what I've been experiencing--but it blurs with most G.I problems. I will do my best to update you guys on this thing..

I have to say, ever since October 2021, things have been a little bit of a clown show, but life goes on.


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## igotbuckedoff

Hope you start feeling better


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## twhvlr

Please let us know your results as we really do care. And here’s hoping you finally get some answers so that you can get some relief.


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## Finalcanter

Thank you @igotbuckedoff and @twhvlr 

I'm going to continue to look into what Hep.A does in the long term (aside from symptom relapse). I know I'll never be able to give blood now, but I'm not sure about how it goes with receiving blood. I'll be looking into things like that since Hep. A stays with you for life..


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## gottatrot

Finalcanter said:


> Thank you @igotbuckedoff and @twhvlr
> 
> I'm going to continue to look into what Hep.A does in the long term (aside from symptom relapse). I know I'll never be able to give blood now, but I'm not sure about how it goes with receiving blood. I'll be looking into things like that since Hep. A stays with you for life..


Are you sure it is Hepatitis A and not C? What you are describing sounds like C. Hep A is much better news, it has short term symptoms and you can give blood again after a year. Hep C is the one that is chronic and can eventually harm your liver, but the good news is there are treatments now to cure Hep C. I've met a few people now who have had it cleared from their system.

Hepatitis A can definitely make you very sick, and the antibodies last in your body for up to six months after the illness. Did your skin ever look yellow? Usually that is the height of the infection.


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## gottatrot

I was reading a study that said some people have disrupted intestinal flora after a hepatitis A infection because they shed the virus in the intestine longer than most people.
Have you tried any type of rebalancing program? I'm not as informed about those with humans but I am sure there are digestive supplements, prebiotics and probiotics like we give horses.


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## Finalcanter

@gottatrot
Yes we are sure it's Hep A. And no. I' haven't noticed any yellowing of the skin, although through all this I have not really paid attention to that. Although pale and yellowish...waste.. was a thing for many months, as recent as july. My blood tested positive for IgM antibodies and I did not clearly see IgG antibodies on my report, (these are the ones that stay and give you lifelong immunity). I guess if I did another blood work up, they may show up (my GP may want to do her own work up). Hep C was negative in my blood.

I've been on pro and prebiotics for a few months (since back in January), though those did not do much concerning my symptoms. I stopped momentarily around july and have not re-tried them, but I intend to.


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## Finalcanter

The colonoscopy went as okay as it was going to go. The prep was certainly something I don't want to go through again. It's been two days so far after the procedure, and aside from some eye blurriness (probably from the anesthesia, typical for me), I'm alright. Currently visiting family in a different state. I'm still watching my diet so nothing's too rough. I think we're already at a TMI point with this journal and I'm not very squeamish (sorry) so: haven't gone to the bathroom yet, and until then I will take it easy with certain foods. 
They took five biopsies. I'll hopefully have some in depth results by the end of august.


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## Finalcanter

Oh, quick edit pertaining the last post, sorry about that. But it slipped my mind (hey, good news sometimes does that when you're busy): the biopsies came back good! Results were good.


I don't know what happened but I lost my writing here (the page refreshed on me). I guess I'll have to write even shorter because I don't have the energy to retype everything. There's a reason for that actually..

Good things to share, one bad thing to share. Let's get the latter over with: My temperature as I type has reached 99.7, I have had a scratchy throat, coughing and feeling a bit fatigued with a headache. I've worked the public sphere for those peculiar two years and managed to dodge the C-bullet, including close encounters. But here I am now. I should be okay with rest though..

Anyway, on sunday I went to go visit the barn as it's been a while (imo). I got to hang out with these lovely souls. This horse is so dearly loved by my friend. He's older than me too! We always check and make sure his life is as comfortable as possible. No further plans at the barn but in the meantime, I'll be trying to make my life as comfortable as possible too.


















And the drawing is not of a horse I know in real life, but of someone I 'turned' into a horse haha. It was done with water soluble colored pencils.


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## knightrider

Finalcanter said:


> the biopsies came back good! Results were good.


Does this mean they now know what you DON'T have but they still don't know what you DO have? Are you still having symptoms and feeling bad? Prayers for you.🙏


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## Finalcanter

knightrider said:


> Does this mean they now know what you DON'T have but they still don't know what you DO have? Are you still having symptoms and feeling bad? Prayers for you.🙏


Well, they still believe it was Hep A, but they with the colonoscopy they were searching for Inflammatory bowel disease, UC, and and signs of infection--which they did not see. So that's good. My episodes of digestive upset have lessened a great deal from what it was, so there are no more follow ups are necessary at this point.


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## Finalcanter

As for today, my fever broke this morning, and I spent most of the day snoozing (very flu-ish feeling, but not as bad as yesterday). I did get the official test results back from the PCR, which no surprise was positive. I had to alert my job of course.. 
Not much of an appetite, but trying to make myself eat. I don't want a repeat of losing more weight. The supplement I take is too milky and would not help my chest congestion, so I'm trying to find 'creative' ways to sneak calories in. My exercise routine will take a sideline too. I'm sure things will get back in due time. I'm just kind of waiting around in the meantime.


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## Finalcanter

Aside from a lingering bark-y cough, everything is well! Back to work with the hope that the middle school gremlins don't get me with something else haha.

I guess I am writing this now for some reflection. I was considering closing this journal of course, but perhaps that is not the best thing yet (no matter how slow the posting may be at times). I come to reflect often, and although I wished things were different as we all sometimes do, things fall into place. What happened last year put me in a bad spot, yet now I've come to realize that there were things I had to work on within myself that even horse ownership couldn't fix at the time. 

Some would say healing from past wounds. I think I'm there. After an entire year, I feel different in a way. I no longer get sad when I look at what had to happen. Re-reading things from that time, looking at pictures, and still having physical paperwork that never saw a signature. I look back at that today and I feel grateful and even some happiness.

Those who follow this journal would know how awful things went after that event seemingly week to week 'bad luck' (the loss of the sale, being sick, the car accident that happened way too soon after that, etc). It was certainly a wild time, but in hindsight-- it might have all been something to push me out of a funk that long predated the events that unfolded. 

Now, I feel a lot of excitement looking through ads because one day there will be one that stands out. I am grateful for the lessons learned through this reflection. Things will be (and have gotten) better. I certainly feel different as well. The time off from riding may have very well been warranted for all of this to happen. Soon, I'll be ready for the next horsey adventure when the inevitable presents itself.


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