# Boyfriend is confusing me?



## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

So, my long term boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years, we're both still in college, so we're going to wait... But we have been talking about getting married one day. I love him, and I couldn't see myself with anyone else and I want to spend my life with him. But there is one opinion that he has on marriage that im a little uncertain about. 
We were talking about like finances. Currently, we live together and we share some finances for like rent, and things that benefit the both of us but still have our own money for personal things. 
And he told me that when we got married he wouldn't want to share anymore finances than we already did. He said he just wanted to keep things like they were, because if we shared everything then Id inevitably spend more than him due to horses board and things and although he knows I'm frugal "it wouldn't be fair for me to spend more than him" 
I'm not sure what to think of this, because obviously I wouldn't just go around spending money left and right because I feel like it without consulting him. And quite frankly im a little insulted. He said that he wanted to feel like he had something that was just his. 
Am I overreacting or is this slightly insulting? 
I just feel like although we don't have to share literally everything, if you're going to commit to spending the rest of your life with me, why does something as simple as spending some money on my horses board have to be a competition because "I spend more than him" and therefore "it's not fair" when he says he supports my riding? Like if he wants to pick up a hobby and do so financially responsibly then like I wouldn't be stingy. 
Maybe then I'm overrracting. Opinions?
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## PaintHorseMares (Apr 19, 2008)

I'll give you an old (60) guy's opinion that's been married for 36 years. Finances/money is one of the biggest stresses in a partnership, and I've seen plenty of marriages fail because of it. 
I grew up in the traditional "stay at home wife/mom" era and although there was only one wage earner, there was _never_ a "mine" and "yours" mentality. Everything was shared and the family was treated as one entity even when members needed or wanted things.
Because of my upbringing, when I married, I felt comfortable with this mind set (and so did my wife). Everything we bought or owned, cars, houses, bank accounts, horses, etc. was always titled or registered in both names. I'll tell you, by that time (married in 1979), people told me I was *crazy* to financially "expose" myself like that in case of a divorce or a "run amok" spending spouse.
To make a long story short, we both have our individual and common hobbies/activities/etc and it's worked for 36 years without a problem and without micro managing every "individual" dollar spent. We're both happy and content with our lives. We don't think about "fairness" or if one person has spent $100 more on a "personal" item than the other. In the long run over your lifetime, what difference does it really make?
We do have some friends that do keep their finances separate and it seems to work for them, although to be honest, their incomes are roughly equal and it looks to me (being old fashioned) as more of a co-habitation arrangement than a "family". We also have two couple friends where the wife's income was much larger than the husband, and the husband stopped working to become the "house husband/dad" and that works, too. 
The bottom line is that you are *not* overreacting and either method (separate or combined) can work, but you *both* have to feel the same way or their will eventually be resentment and problems, I guarantee it.
Just my 2 cents from an old fashioned, now retired guy, and good luck with your relationship.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

After 7 years of marriage, a gal friend called it quits. Altho she knew how to be frugal and keep to a budget, he felt it was the man's job to rule the finances. Plus he made more money so that gave him the power. It was when she started getting calls at work that she began to piece together just how far in debt he'd allowed them to get. My own fince/hubby admitted to being lousy with money so I looked after the finances. Because I had a horse he got the same amount of money for personal spending and he was good with this. All the bills were paid on time, we had a healthy savings account. All purchases were discussed prior to buying. He didn't completely bow out of the finances, he took an interest but I dealt with the bill paying and budget. I couldn't live as my gal friend had been forced to. It destroyed her marriage.


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

On the positive side, I think it is great that your boyfriend brought up the subject of finances! Too few do, each going along with their own idea about what should be spent and on what. And as the saying goes "That's when the fight started." 

It would seem that this is something he has put some thought into and something that you would be wise to think about. Money/finances has all sorts of feelings attached to it for most of us. It is very individual, too.

It can work in many ways, as long as the couple has a plan and both play fair. I like the business model of having some part of the budget on paper. Several couples I know do this. Some have an annual projection, with notations on big expenditures. Others have a monthly budget set and really stick to it.

His outlook would in no way be a deal breaker for me. But it would make me put more energy into how I want us to manage our financial life.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Its really important to talk about finances before you're in that situation. I live with my boyfriend and while we split rent and costs all our money is separate. He isn't great with money, so if and when we get married I'd ideally like for us to each have our own spending account for our own stuff, as well as a combined account for shared costs. 

I don't think his idea is terrible, but it will need to be flexible. I mean that might work in the beginning, but what happens if you lose your job? Or you have kids and you're not working? Then you will be sharing one income and he can't just keep it all to himself. If he accepts the horses along with you they will be a cost born by him too at some stage. A marriage is a partnership, so you've both got to be into that. 

Maybe talk to him about it, ask him what his plan would be if you had a child, or got sick, or if he lost his job?


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

Thanks for the advice you guys, I'll bring it up with him when he gets home and hopefully we'll come to an understanding.
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## dressagebelle (May 13, 2009)

As a gift to my husband and I, my parents paid for us to take Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class, and the Marriage Course, both of which do have some religious aspects, but as my husband isn't religious, it wasn't overbearing, and I think they both made a huge difference. The Marriage (or premarriage they have both) course helped with communication, and really connecting with each other. The Financial Peace classes really helped us to figure out budget, and what type of money management works for us. It's also a non stressful place to talk, and to ask questions of people who have a lot of experience and can give you good feedback. 

That being said, I do find it interesting how he phrased the wanting to keep finances separate, that he feels it's unfair that you are spending more money because you have horses. It sounds like there's something there that needs to be discussed, figured out, or clarified, and the sooner you do that, the better, before it actually becomes an issue. Like saskia said, what if you stop working for one reason or another, what is he going to do, force you to sell the horses, or make sure that you have plenty saved up to find another job, which would be a bit unfair to you. Or is he going to pay for them himself? You need to know what you are getting into. That being said, I don't think it's the end of the world to have separate accounts for some things, and pay for some things separately. I know people who have done that for years, and they are doing just fine.


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## loveduffy (Dec 22, 2011)

It is good to have your own bank account that way if you wont to buy him something with out him knowing it you can and it is good that way the horse dose not become the problem of bill paying I have seen this too many time


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

Thanks everyone. We discussed it and agreed that we would have joint finances, but keep some seperate like we do now. 
When I confronted him about the "fairness" aspect of it he just said he felt bad sometimes that I have a hobby that I can dedicate time and money to, but he doesnt 
I think that pang of jealousy he feels is a little ridiculous but he's never mentioned it until now.
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## loveduffy (Dec 22, 2011)

he is growing


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## Kiara (Aug 27, 2008)

Here's what has been working for us: we share our account and everything else. BUT we have found that most stressfree way of dealing with "fun money" ( money that is used to spend on hobbies, knickknacks that you want for yourself, etc) is that we have a budget for each one that is equal. $100,$200, whatever you can swing a month per person. That money they can spend however they wish, no consulting the other person necessary. You cannot spend more than you have, but it does roll over whatever is not spend, so you can save for bigger items. So if I wanted a new saddle, I can go and buy it without asking as long as I have saved up enough money.

This way, you both have the same amount to spend, so it's fair and you don't have to feel guilty for wanting something or denying the other person something.

You would have to sit down and agree on what is/isn't covered under this money. For example, gifts for other people (Christmas etc) are not taken out of it, but maybe farrier costs are, etc
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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

A lot of people can be jealous of horses. Not just the time we spend with them, but the passion and energy we have for it. Most people don't have that. Sometimes some people wish that was directed to them, or that they have it. 

In my relationship I've always made it clear that I have horses, and I will continue to, and that's just a part of me. You take the whole thing or leave it. I've told him that there are places we aren't going to be able to live, or lifestyles I'm never going to be a part because this is the hobby, and ultimately life path I've chosen. I'm not saying I'd choose horses over my partner, especially if something went wrong,, its just that I would choose the life I want, given the choice.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

I'm afraid that may one day be a problem between us though. Like I take him riding sometimes but he feels sad because he doesn't have a hobby like I do. 
We started dating when I was 16 and he was jealous about it back then too. Like we don't argue about it or anything. Just sometimes he gets down. 
And he supports me, but sometimes I just don't know what to tell him.
How should I handle this?
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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

you are talking marriage at 19? is there any reason to rush?


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

Well I'm actually 20. And we were just talking like after college. In a couple of years. There's no rush the idea has just come up.
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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

I would be in my mid twenties when we got married. Personally I have nothing against young marriage. I know this is the one for me
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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

A lot of growing up and maturing is done between 20-25. You might find in a few years you both have very different understandings of relationships, finances and life.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

That is true
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## PaintHorseMares (Apr 19, 2008)

Saskia said:


> A lot of growing up and maturing is done between 20-25. You might find in a few years you both have very different understandings of relationships, finances and life.


I agree, and the transition from college to full time employment and a career is a major life change and stress in itself. In my experience, the major relationship problem at that time of life is couples finding their preferred after college jobs in different parts of the country (or even beyond reasonable commutes) and deciding whose job is "more important". That decision can create a whole set of fairness and jealousy problems.


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## Tazzie (Nov 8, 2011)

I can say from experience the life shortly after college/finding a job is extremely stressful. I met my husband right as I was finishing up with college. I went to the University of Kentucky. I ended up getting a job back home in Michigan and he stayed behind in Northern Kentucky. We did a long distance relationship until we got married in September of 2011. When I moved down here I couldn't find ANYTHING. Fast food places and such didn't want to hire me because I had a degree. What I wanted weren't hiring me because I didn't have as much experience as they wanted (for entry level jobs!) I didn't find the job I have until June of 2012, and it wasn't for lack of trying! I can't even count the amount of interviews I went to! During that time he supported me financially AND supported the horse he purchased for me in May of 2011.

Now, onto finances. I know some people who have totally separate bank accounts. They each have things they pay for from their accounts (mortgage from one, electric and water from the other as an example). It works for them. I couldn't do that. My husband and I are awful with money, or we were. We are A LOT better now. Our key was to actually run a checkbook listing EVERYTHING you spend money on. It's amazing how much we could cut out of our expenses after opening our eyes with that. This works for us. We're slowing but surely paying things off and pulling ourselves out of debt.

As for the hobby, is there anything he likes? My husband is a very passionate hunter. The feeling he gets when he has his sights set on a large buck is the feeling I get entering into a show ring. Neither of us throws money frivolously at our hobby without consulting the other first. We picked $50 as the max we can spend without telling the other person, though we do inform the other one before hand. He has to tell me since I run the checkbook, but he knows he can look at it whenever and I always keep him up to date of how much we have available to us.

Transparency works for us. I know it may not work as well for others, and that others want their own savings accounts, but we prefer a shared account with shared expenses and rotating who gets to spend money on their hobby (like this year he totally rebuilt his truck transmission; next year I get to go saddle shopping for a new saddle for my mare).


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Have you discussed debt, both present and future debt? Whether one or both attend college you will emerge with considerable debt. Will you be able to keep the horse while attending college? I know of a couple who met in college and married with a combined debt of over $50K. Years later they are still paying that off. Two years ago he was hurt in a motorcycle accident (hit a fox) while over the speed limit. No insurance and he was brain injured and can't work. She'll be lucky if she gets that debt paid off by the time she retires. Maybe surprise BF by taking him to the stock car races, or demolition derby, whatever guy stuff your city/town offers.


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## dressagebelle (May 13, 2009)

It seems like one of the larger issues here is that you have a hobby, and an expensive one at that, that you devote I'm sure a lot of time and of course money to, while he doesn't. Maybe he just hasn't found something that really floats his boat, or maybe he feels like he doesn't have the time to devote to finding and keeping up a hobby. Either way, I think that you need to express that you understand where he's coming from, and maybe together you can find something that he really enjoys and is also relaxing for him, that he can take on as a hobby. Encourage him, and let him know that you want him to have a hobby too, and however you can help in that endeavor, you will. Good luck, and hopefully he can find something that floats his boat, so he can do his hobby while you are off riding horses, and then he won't feel so jealous of the time you spend at the barn.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

We have talked about debt, collectively we won't have much, as we both attend Cal Tech, and recieved ridiculous amounts of financial aid lol. As far as the horse in college, im very lucky to have parents who support my riding and they agreed to pay for his board near me while I was in college. 
Career wise, we both have more school after this. I have vet school, and he has grad school to become a chemical engineer. We talked about staying near eachother and all of that throughout college, but never really talked about how difficult finding a career would be, but there's still time for that. 
The hobby thing is probably our problem. He thinks it is too late for him to find something he loves or to be good at. He doesn't want to go riding with me because he wants to have his own independent hobby, and he hates sitting alone while im at the barn. Sometimes I think he's actually jealous of the horse.
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## Horseychick87 (Feb 5, 2014)

Rider, you most likely hit the nail on the head about your guy being jealous of the horse.

I've had the money talk with my BF, right now I'm not working, though I refuse to give up looking for a job. I've been told I'm over qualified to work certain jobs, and yet don't have enough hours or days of experience for what I'm trained/ went to school for. I refuse to share all of our expenses together. Common bills like the mortgage, utilities and the such would be drawn from a joint account where we each contribute half of the expense. Then we'd each have a separate account for our personal stuff and whatnot.

My BF originally wanted me to just put my money in his account, but after reviewing finances with him I flat out refused. He does not know how to budget and would likely give every last penny to the church. (Not that I'm against him tithing and whatnot.) but he and I both have to eat and he'd have no clue. He's also prone to spending on frivolous things and I'd have no money left over to buy personal care items because it would be gone.

I'm lucky enough that my guy has a hobby, running. He's one of the best males in his age group in our state, routinely comes in the top five runners and wins often enough.

I have horses and the internet. He rides with me occasionally and I'm fine with that. He knows I cannot run like he does, but I will tag along on a bike if he's not running at the butt crack of dawn, which is his normal running hours.

You could try doing various things with him and see if anything 'sticks' as a hobby. If it does you can encourage him and maybe participate with him from time to time. If nothing sticks and you do get married and eventually have your own place maybe he could play 'Mr. Fix-it' and feel good about it? Some guys really enjoy that role in the relationship.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

I would be mildly concerned about his choice of words "fair". What's fair in any relationship?

Small comparisons. My first marriage. I had a little apply mare. Fiancee worked with me on working out a budget to keep her after we were married. AFTER we were married, he physically controlled everything. She got sold.

Now, many years later. Currant husband. When we met, he was in financial trouble. He's not good with money at all. It's not the money thing, it's the paper work and concentration. He's more of a hands on guy. Anyway, I took care of the money from day one, he took care of other things.

He has a hobby though. He's into quads and motors and I have my horses. I haven't worked in years because I've raised 4 children, helped start a business, mowed lawns, done laundry, prepared meals, done taxes, cared for aged parents, cared for beloved children and pets, ….. (sigh) the list goes on. We each have our place in the relationship and it may not be fair day to day and month to month it might not work out, but I guarantee you that from year to year it works. I may spend more money on horses, but he has his hobby with his atv's and he spends more at one time than I do and he's happy, I'm happy with my horses and it works.

The key? Communication! Never assume your partner or significant other is on the same page. You have to talk! If you can't come to an agreement and understanding now, then…. when?

Nothing is ever completely fair financially. It just isn't. Is it fair emotionally? That's the ticket. 

He needs a hobby and you need to help him find one.

Photography
Atv's/dirt bikes
Running
Hiking
Gourmet Cooking (that would be awesome)
kite building
Trains
Model airplanes
Model Helos

The list is endless


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## CuriousWillowLad (Mar 16, 2015)

I understand sharing the bills and rent, but surely if you have a hobby which the other half isn't really interested in (well shows an interest as it's what you do but doesn't part take in themselves) I don't see why they should pay for it? I personally think in relationships married or not you both still have to pay your own way, if you want something- you pay for it yourself and not relay on others money.. It's not the fact of what they earn or how much money they have compared to you, it's how they choose to spend it. But saying that I can understand why the other half would want to help out money wise if they don't have a hobby of such price themselves.

Someone could have a job that pays poorly and they pay for their living costs- bills etc yet is good at saving so they in time have more money saved than what they probably earn in a wage. Whereas someone who could be opposite, have a higher wage pay bills yet is awful with saving, and at the end of it the person with the less pay check ends up having more in their savings.. It's just the way people choose to be with money. I know if I was in a serious relationship and my other half wanted to pay for my horses upkeep, that would be up to him. But I wouldn't expect it, and would pay for it myself. 
It worries me how some relationships are built around money and riches.. Although you don't sound like this and I'm glad you've managed to talk it out and come to an agreement. But saying that I can see where he is coming from. 

I just think people revolve the world around money too much and need to not worry about it, yet enjoy what life has to offer and accept what they gave, no matter how much it may cost.


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## darkpony (Nov 20, 2013)

I didnt read the entire thread-but this is what my parents do, and it works really well for them. All money goes into a savings account (they like to call it the "KITTY". << I know thats weird but thats what theyve always called it). Each week my mom, who takes care of the finances give herself and my dad a sort of "allowance" from the kitty. If they have alot of extra their "allowance" is larger. Then they each have their hobbies which are paid for out of their own "allowances". My mom gets her hair and nails done- something my dad does not benefit from, and my dad generally uses his to buy more toys like guns, tractors, mud trucks etc.. The kitty pays for everything else (bills, groceries, gas, and anything they do together). They have been married 30+ years and it has worked for them. This way if my mom wants to go gambling with her girlfriends, or my dad wants to buy another toy they dont argue about it as long as it comes from their allowances. My boyfriend and I live together and currently dont have a joint account because we arent married. When we do decide to get married we will likely do the same thing. if my boyfriend wants to blow his money on something I dont agree on ... it doesnt matter because he can do whatever he pleases with his "allowance" If I choose to buy another horse... that is what I will do. no arguements about money  The only thing that needs to be decided is how much money you can spare each week for fun money.


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## piglet (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh, CuriousWillowLad . . . 
Often, in a marriage, one person "works without pay" way more than the other.
My sister could never pay with cash for what she wanted because she spent all her time catering to her husband, taking excellent care of her children,house, pets, PTO obligations, etc., etc.
She worked herself to death trying to please her husband.
How you and your partner handle money can literally be a matter of life and death.


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## PaintHorseMares (Apr 19, 2008)

Rideordie112 said:


> The hobby thing is probably our problem. He thinks it is too late for him to find something he loves or to be good at. He doesn't want to go riding with me because he wants to have his own independent hobby, and he hates sitting alone while im at the barn. Sometimes I think he's actually jealous of the horse.


Speaking from a guy's point of view that has known a lot of very loving couples with similar hobby concerns from either/both spouse(s), I believe the emotion is _envy_ and not _jealousy_. The difference may seem inconsequential, but they really are quite different.
Again, just my 2 cents.


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## CuriousWillowLad (Mar 16, 2015)

piglet said:


> Oh, CuriousWillowLad . . .
> Often, in a marriage, one person "works without pay" way more than the other.
> My sister could never pay with cash for what she wanted because she spent all her time catering to her husband, taking excellent care of her children,house, pets, PTO obligations, etc., etc.
> She worked herself to death trying to please her husband.
> How you and your partner handle money can literally be a matter of life and death.


I do understand how couples may help each other out money wise, and don't get me wrong if I was a parent I would take care of my family, provide for them as much as I could. But at the same time I wouldn't want to have things paid for me all the time. I've been bought up in a household where if you want something you save and you get it yourself. When I learnt to drive I paid for all my lessons. When I got my first car I had to save and pay for it myself, my insurance, my MOT.. and then I speak to others and so many people have said how their parents or grandparents bought their first car when they turned 18 or passed their test or what ever. Which I guess has an affect on my previous post. 
Having said that, my parents would still lend money but I would have to repay them when I could. 

Ok, yes relationships may change things, but I still believe in what ever relationship if you want something you pay for it yourself, if the other half wants to then that's up to them. But personally because of the way I've been bought up I would prefer to pay for it myself and would feel awkward if my partner said otherwise. 

I guess from a relationship point of view I can't comment, as I'm not married and I understand in new situations things change, and yes this could be one of them. But I don't see why something like money should change much, other than sharing the bills. That's just my opinion.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

CuriousWillow sometimes being in a relationship causes you to make sacrifices. The paying your own way doesn't really work once you have thrown your lot in together. For example when me and my partner moved somewhere soon could study he didnt have a job straight away so I had to cover all the rent and food from my savings. Later on when we moved where he had a job he aid for most of the food for weeks, he even paid my agistment once. Neither of us would have been in those situations if it weren't for the other.

And when people have kids the whole thing changes. Usually a mother has to spend at least six months at home unpaid after birth. Why shouldn't the money be shared if she is looking after their baby? And then many mothers stay at home looking after children. Why shouldn't half their partners pay be theirs? They are looking after their children, cleaning after their mess, cooking food for them. Childcare is expensive, cleaners etc aren't things done for free. 

Its never as simple as each paying half. Marriage and relationships are about combining your lives, you can't really do that and keep money separate.


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## CuriousWillowLad (Mar 16, 2015)

Saskia said:


> CuriousWillow sometimes being in a relationship causes you to make sacrifices. The paying your own way doesn't really work once you have thrown your lot in together. For example when me and my partner moved somewhere soon could study he didnt have a job straight away so I had to cover all the rent and food from my savings. Later on when we moved where he had a job he aid for most of the food for weeks, he even paid my agistment once. Neither of us would have been in those situations if it weren't for the other.
> 
> And when people have kids the whole thing changes. Usually a mother has to spend at least six months at home unpaid after birth. Why shouldn't the money be shared if she is looking after their baby? And then many mothers stay at home looking after children. Why shouldn't half their partners pay be theirs? They are looking after their children, cleaning after their mess, cooking food for them. Childcare is expensive, cleaners etc aren't things done for free.
> 
> Its never as simple as each paying half. Marriage and relationships are about combining your lives, you can't really do that and keep money separate.


I understand, in relationships certain things are a joint thing to pay out for, bills, food, children/child care etc etc etc. But hobbies and things you do yourself don't have to be. That's what I'm trying to say.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

CuriousWillowLad said:


> I understand, in relationships certain things are a joint thing to pay out for, bills, food, children/child care etc etc etc. But hobbies and things you do yourself don't have to be. That's what I'm trying to say.


So a wife/mother who's stayed home to care for family, prepare meals, clean home, etc and doesn't have an outside paying job, hasn't earned the right to have a hobby? Within means of course. And this goes for the ever increasing number of "stay at home Dads" too.

This is what we've taught all of our children. A marriage or even a committed relationship isn't a 50/50 proposition. It's 100/100. If I was only getting 50% of my husbands devotion to me I wouldn't feel I was in a successful relationship and vice versa. We've been married for 28 years and are 100% devoted to each others happiness. I have my horses and he has his atv's. Yes, there are times one or the other can't afford to buy something they _want_ for our hobby because the other _needed_ something for their's.

But, it takes 2 responsible adults to be able to make responsible decision. This is the way it works for us.


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## CuriousWillowLad (Mar 16, 2015)

Blue said:


> So a wife/mother who's stayed home to care for family, prepare meals, clean home, etc and doesn't have an outside paying job, hasn't earned the right to have a hobby? Within means of course. And this goes for the ever increasing number of "stay at home Dads" too.


 I didn't say that neither of them could have hobbies.. Both mothers and fathers can. 
I'm saying there are something's which are joint costs (bills etc) and other things which may not be joint things hobbies etc

Ok so let's see if I can explain:
The father/husband doesn't have a hobby and yet the mother/wife does- the father/husband doesn't have to pay for the mother/wife's hobby yet it could be the other way round. No one has to pay for the other hobby. (Which I've been trying to say from my very first post).. 

I personally don't think relationships revolve all around money, there more to love than that. Money can't buy love or relationships. Being 100% devoted to each other doesn't have to be over money, it should be over love, loyalty, personalities etc not money. What about people who can't afford hobbies? As a couple their money would no doubt go on bills, food and possibly bringing up families.. You wouldn't see them paying for each hobbies, yet they would no doubt still be -00% devoted to each other. Which brings me back to previous posts- you don't need money to be in a healthy relationship- which also means people don't need their other partners paying for their hobbies. 

I wouldn't want my other half to go and spend out on my hobbies for me. He should be allowed to spend his money on what he wants for himselve.


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

Rideordie112 said:


> Thanks everyone. We discussed it and agreed that we would have joint finances, but keep some seperate like we do now.
> When I confronted him about the "fairness" aspect of it he just said he felt bad sometimes that I have a hobby that I can dedicate time and money to, but he doesnt
> I think that pang of jealousy he feels is a little ridiculous but he's never mentioned it until now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I think his feelings are justified. What if he had a hobby that took alot of money and it was the other way around. You probably wouldnt like paying for it.
If both people work this is how it is suggested to pay bills.
Lets say your living expenses are 2,500 a month. That would be for household, utilities, food, IRA, Insurance and such. You could keep individual vehicles and hobbies separate.

He makes 3,000 and you make 2,000 a month for a total of 5,000
So your fixed expenses are 50% of total wages.
You each would put 50% of your wages into the house account. He 1,500 and you 1,000. The rest is yours to spend how you choose.


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

Saddlebag said:


> Have you discussed debt, both present and future debt? Whether one or both attend college you will emerge with considerable debt. Will you be able to keep the horse while attending college? I know of a couple who met in college and married with a combined debt of over $50K. Years later they are still paying that off. Two years ago he was hurt in a motorcycle accident (hit a fox) while over the speed limit. No insurance and he was brain injured and can't work. She'll be lucky if she gets that debt paid off by the time she retires. Maybe surprise BF by taking him to the stock car races, or demolition derby, whatever guy stuff your city/town offers.


HMmm smart enough to go to college but no insurance???


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

Rideordie112 said:


> Well I'm actually 20. And we were just talking like after college. In a couple of years. There's no rush the idea has just come up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My boyfriend was very supportive of my horse hobby until we got married.
Even though the money wasn't the issue when someone isn't supportive of your passion it is very difficult. He even bought a horse to have something in common before we dated. After getting married he didn't even touch his horse.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Rideordie112 said:


> I'm afraid that may one day be a problem between us though. Like I take him riding sometimes but he feels sad because he doesn't have a hobby like I do.
> We started dating when I was 16 and he was jealous about it back then too. Like we don't argue about it or anything. Just sometimes he gets down.
> And he supports me, but sometimes I just don't know what to tell him.
> How should I handle this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell him to find something he likes & do it. You can't be made to feel guilty for another person's unhappiness just because you have something, besides him, that makes you happy.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

We talked more about the jealously thing and he said that he understands that marriage is each of us giving the other our all, and that we both have to make sacfrices finances wise. 

But he still thinks that it's too late in his life to find something he likes. and anytime I mention something he says its too late. He's really into music, he's a huge music nerd, but he's not validating that has a hobby because he thinks no one cares about it.

Which is not true, because I care and all his friends and family cares and he's everyone's go to for musical advice or what album to listen to. 

I think he wants some hobby that he can spend money on or something that he can compete in. So I decided that Id try to suggest some things. 

He's not into hunting or fishing or anything like that. He's a bit of a city boy. Any suggestions on what I could try with him? 

And who ever mentioned cooking don't we all wish? Ahaha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

It's some weird engineery thing *ducks.* Sister and engineer brother both didn't get hobbies until their mid-forties! Their spouses were like "Oh well. Your choice."

But in-laws were financially independent in their recreation.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

What about some sort of sport? Or collecting something?

Or cars?


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## NavigatorsMom (Jan 9, 2012)

Since he's into music, maybe he could take up an instrument and lessons? That way he'd have something he could practice and improve on, and also maybe join a community band or orchestra.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

boots said:


> It's some weird engineery thing *ducks.* Sister and engineer brother both didn't get hobbies until their mid-forties! Their spouses were like "Oh well. Your choice."
> 
> But in-laws were financially independent in their recreation.



so true. Those darn engineers!


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

NavigatorsMom said:


> Since he's into music, maybe he could take up an instrument and lessons? That way he'd have something he could practice and improve on, and also maybe join a community band or orchestra.



I think he would like to learn guitar. He tried in highschool but struggled with depression so when he'd pick it up he'd lack motivation to keep it going. I think now that he's doing better that would be a good idea!


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

he says he wants a hobby he can be good at. But i'm having trouble convincing him you can't just automatically be good at something


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Maybe try to think of a hobby that allows little wins. Like with instruments it's sometimes really hard because it takes a while to really hear the outcome you want. 

Other ones like martial arts have levels you can work your way up. So even though you're not an expert you can get to level one and feel about yourself and then work towards the next one. 

What about making something? Like carpentry, metal work? So that he gets a finished product.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Music is awesome! 

Other possible hobbies.

photography
Biking
Hiking
Volunteering at animal shelters
volunteering at local schools in music classes
vegetable gardening
pottery

The list just goes on.

What type of things does he like? Does he like watching movies? 
Filming/photography

Does he like to eat?
gourmet cooking

RC Helo and airplanes are big now


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## dressagebelle (May 13, 2009)

My husband plays with quadricopters and the like, those you can start at the bottom, get good piloting one then work up to something more sophisticated. But you have to have a place to go that's safe, and isn't covered in trees. He also does arduino stuff. Again you can start very basic, connect 2 or 3 things and make a light go on, then start making it flash in a pattern etc. Those are things that if you aren't automatically "good" it's not a big issue. You just start small and easy and work your way up to more advanced stuff. 

For me I do jewelry making, and I know quite a few guys that make jewelry too. They do more of the soldering and thicker metal type jewelry, I work more with beads, and I also grow african violets and other types of gesneriad plants. In addition to my horses. 

In response to the whole if you stop working for some reason, he'll be paying for stuff, that's true to a point. Even with babies, you can do some hobbies, like jewelry making, plant growing, my friend makes bows and outfits for kids, and you sell the stuff you make, you won't make a huge profit, at least to start, but it will at least give you a bit of spending money so you can help out where you can. All the hobbies I picked I picked because I love them, but they are things I can sell, and can keep doing even when I do have kids. I train horses for a living, but I can't keep doing that when I'm pregnant, and have an infant, so I wanted something else that would give me a bit of spending money. 

I know the whole point of this discussion was keeping money separate for hobbies, but something you can maybe do, feel him out a bit, see if there's something he'd be interested in, like model car collecting, martial arts, helicopters, etc, and if there is, maybe gift him something along those lines for his birthday, that way he can't immediately shoot down the idea of paying for something, and generally once he tries it, he'll be hooked, and have no problem keeping that as his hobby.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

At 17 my nephew was given an 35mm camera and it was instant love. Now he has a better camera and lenses and they are always with him.


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## Kotori (Jun 18, 2012)

(Didn't read all posts, but sounds like he needs a hobby?)

My response might be biased, sine I just spent four hours on the water, but fishing is a great hobby, I think. Might just be me, but I love catching the bait, be it worms, fish, little crabs, etc. Learning to throw a castnet is a skill in and of itself! Then you have literally dozens of fish to choose from to target, and each one radically different. the natural progression is to learn to prepare the fish you catch, learning to turn it into delicious food.

And there are so many different ways of fishing -- handline, spear fishing, fly fishing...

-- rave over --

I hope he finds something he enjoys and is good at! I can relate to the want to be good; I spent years trying to play clarinet, and I was 'okay' but never as good as the others.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

Hey all! I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with this thread. Over the past couple of weeks the boyfriend has agreed to look for something that he likes to do, and we decided that we'd set a monthly spending limit for each of our hobbies. So it's a start! The problem now is finding something he enjoys. He's a big fan of instant gratification, so he doesn't enjoy much the learning and getting good at something part of finding a new hobby.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

Paintballing.

Definitely instant gratification when you manage to get someone


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

paintballing is a hoot for sure, but not something he can do when no one else is available. If he likes to shoot, what about competitive shooting? Photography?


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## Fort fireman (Mar 5, 2011)

Does he like making things? Maybe he could try his hand at leather working. It could be a win win for both of you. He gets a hobby and you may end up with some new tack for your hobby. He could start out slow by doing things by hand for not a ton of money. If the hobby sticks he could up grade to a good leather sewing machine.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

fireman, thats a good one!


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## Fort fireman (Mar 5, 2011)

Here's a ton of projects for leather work that he could start on . Just to see if it's something he may be interested in. Or just make patterns from the tack you already have. It isn't really tough to make a functional piece of gear. There is the instant gratification he needs. However over time he can improve and make fancier stuff and improve his skill. There's the longevity aspect of the hobby. 
https://www.tandyleather.com/en-usd/home/leather-craft-patterns.aspx?pg=all


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

Fort fireman said:


> Does he like making things? Maybe he could try his hand at leather working. It could be a win win for both of you. He gets a hobby and you may end up with some new tack for your hobby. He could start out slow by doing things by hand for not a ton of money. If the hobby sticks he could up grade to a good leather sewing machine.


That's a great idea! He might actually like that. I'll run it by him


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

there is also word working.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

I understand people wanting to help but this isn't a 15 year old couch potato kid that needs motivation. This is a grown man who has chosen to not do anything, hobby wise, so far in his life so what are the chances he'll change now?

If he were my BF he'd change for sure...change girlfriends. But that's probably why I'm not married. Rant over- carry on.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

natisha said:


> I understand people wanting to help but this isn't a 15 year old couch potato kid that needs motivation. This is a grown man who has chosen to not do anything, hobby wise, so far in his life so what are the chances he'll change now?
> 
> If he were my BF he'd change for sure...change girlfriends. But that's probably why I'm not married. Rant over- carry on.


 
I find this to be an unfair statement.

I am 23 years old.
My only hobbies are running and reading. I don't ride anymore.
I wish I could afford to do something else, but the main factors are: I'm lazy, I have no self confidence, and I don't want to start something I don't see results from or have the possiblity at failing at.

Does that make me a bad person? No. It just means I haven't found that thing that piques my fancy and I want to devote my free time to it and breathe it. I did that with the horses, and I can't afford it any more.

He is 18/19 or 20? He is a young guy, and he is in college. He doesn't need to be a person who has plans for the next ten years for hobbies, life choices etc etc. 

I wouldn't run if I hadn't been poked in the right direction, because I wouldn't have thought about it. Suggesting new things to people means they get the opportunity to think on it and explore.


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Duffy, well said.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

DuffyDuck said:


> I find this to be an unfair statement.
> 
> I am 23 years old.
> My only hobbies are running and reading. I don't ride anymore.
> ...


Not so unfair.
Did you get jealous of those who had found things they liked? Did you make someone else feel guilty? I'm guessing you didn't.


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

Yes, and yes. Because I felt behind, I didn't get the instant results. So I was jealous of those who could get the minute miles and the distance.... Because they'd put the work in and I wanted it instantly, which then drove me to snarky remarks so my friends stopped talking about fitness and longer runs they could only do together.

I learned my lesson and kept at it, but I'm still only human like this guy is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

He's 20, and he is a good guy. I love him a lot, he's brilliant and I do understand his jealously. I don't like that sometimes he makes me feel bad for going to the barn, but instead of getting angry at him for feeling left out I just want to try and find something that he'd like to do. 
I suggested the leather working, and he seems interested. I think I'll get him like a little starter kit as a gift if they're not too expensive. Does anyone know about that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

natisha said:


> If he were my BF he'd change for sure...change girlfriends. But that's probably why I'm not married. Rant over- carry on.


I see where you're coming from. But this definitely isn't a deal breaker for me, as he is supportive. I'm just trying to brainstorm to help him find something he likes. I don't think it's ever too late. I mean he played sports in high school, but he was extremely focused on academics, I mean you had to have been to go to Cal Tech, now that we live together, he's just realizing he's not a big fan of sitting at home when I go to the barn and he doesn't feel up to coming. He feels like he has no hobby outside of me, he feels left behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Rideordie112 said:


> I see where you're coming from. But this definitely isn't a deal breaker for me, as he is supportive. I'm just trying to brainstorm to help him find something he likes. I don't think it's ever too late. I mean he played sports in high school, but he was extremely focused on academics, I mean you had to have been to go to Cal Tech, now that we live together, he's just realizing he's not a big fan of sitting at home when I go to the barn and he doesn't feel up to coming. He feels like he has no hobby outside of me, he feels left behind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's lucky he has you & that you're so willing to help him.
I had a guy much like yours, sweet, great job, looked like Billy Ray Cyrus but with a better hair cut. A great catch but I soon became his hobby. If I liked something he liked it too. I carried all conversations, his opinions echoed mine. I had to make all decisions even for dumb stuff like where to go eat.
I'd ask about his day & get answers like "OK." I'm a talker. I like to laugh. He liked to sit quietly & wait for me to be his entertainment. 
It wasn't long before I started to lose respect for him, through no fault of his own. I wanted to enhance someone's life, not BE their life. He was the type to sit back & let life get stagnant. I was starting to feel guilty of my busy days & found myself doing nothing also. 
I could see that I was changing to match him & I didn't like it. I felt I had to let him go before I started to get irritated with such a nice but needy guy.
I know I hurt him because he really never did anything wrong- just never did anything. He's probably happier now than he would have been with me.
I suspect you're a much more understanding person than I am & that can be a good thing. I hope things work out for both of you.


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

natisha said:


> He's lucky he has you & that you're so willing to help him.
> I had a guy much like yours, sweet, great job, looked like Billy Ray Cyrus but with a better hair cut. A great catch but I soon became his hobby. If I liked something he liked it too. I carried all conversations, his opinions echoed mine. I had to make all decisions even for dumb stuff like where to go eat.
> I'd ask about his day & get answers like "OK." I'm a talker. I like to laugh. He liked to sit quietly & wait for me to be his entertainment.
> It wasn't long before I started to lose respect for him, through no fault of his own. I wanted to enhance someone's life, not BE their life. He was the type to sit back & let life get stagnant. I was starting to feel guilty of my busy days & found myself doing nothing also.
> ...



Thanks for sharing your personal experience with me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't worry about the possibility of something like that happening to us. But he's not very quiet and he's always talkative and opinionated. Our only problem is that he's jealous of the attention and passion I give to and have for horses.
Hopefully the leather working catches on!


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Rideordie112 said:


> Thanks for sharing your personal experience with me. I would be lying if I said that I didn't worry about the possibility of something like that happening to us. But he's not very quiet and he's always talkative and opinionated. Our only problem is that he's jealous of the attention and passion I give to and have for horses.
> Hopefully the leather working catches on!


You're welcome.
I've got a story about a horse jealous BF too if you're interested. (I've dropped a lot of guys for a lot of reasons now that I think about it )


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## Rideordie112 (Dec 7, 2013)

Well if you want to share im all ears!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PaintHorseMares (Apr 19, 2008)

Just another quick piece of old man, married 36 years experience/advice...

Everyone has probably heard the advice "Don't expect him/her to change" when your partner has behaviors/quirks/etc. that are not "perfect" and you are considering getting married. This is good advice, but the most important word is *expect*. What people forget and you don't usually hear, however, is that over time *everyone* and *situation*s do change. He will, and you will, too, and the change can appear to be for the "better" or "worse" from each partner's perspective. What if some life change (financial, medical, etc) occurs and you are unable to devote your time to horses and he has found some activity/hobby that he enjoys and spends all his time at? How will you feel, and how will you, as a couple, adjust and/or change?
You cannot predict what the future will bring, and the key is communication, *flexibility*, *adaptability*, and *mutual* devotion and unselfishness, IMHO. I can't tell you how many "perfect" couples we've known that, after 5, 10, or 15 years, have just said "We've grown apart" (i.e. "changed"). We used to go riding with a couple that "had everything". They both had good jobs, a beautiful house, two kids, and horses. One day she told her husband that she wanted a divorce and that he could have the house and kids if she could have the horses (true story). Whoa! Talk about a shock! My wife and I wouldn't have seen that coming in a million years.

Just food for thought and sorry for the long post.


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## sunset878 (Nov 26, 2012)

My hubbie and I have been married for 37 years on 22 April. We have ALWAYS put all our money together and shared it, including money for hobbies etc. We have NEVER had a fight over money. We used to argue over other things once, but now we have figured out it is futile, and is upsetting for us both.


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