# Tired of insults but dont know how to deal with them



## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

So it seems like every time i bring up working with horses(horses in general) i get a bunch of insults. Things have been said like "You ruin horses" "You dont deserve your horses" "your horses are ruined" "Lucy(my mare) doesnt deserve to be alive" "Lucy should have been sent to a slaughter house" and it bugs me so much. Ive lost it and punched my sister(most of it is her) and i get in trouble but she doesnt for the things shes said. My MOM is also saying things like this. Sonny, my gelding, had been a trail horse, would go anywhere you asked when we first got him. Hes had health issues(colic,hoof abscesses etc.). Hes had a bunch of hoof abscesses that we didnt know about(not limping, hooves looked fine when picked out) and he started refusing to go on the road when ridden(only place where we can ride-he's been ridden on the road by last owners also without problems) and i guess it hurt(sometimes its sided with gravel-gravel hurts his hooves-soft feet didnt know about it) so of course he would refuse. Once we figured out it was hoof abcesses and got them treated, he'd go out on the road just fine. He is kinda herd bound and i know that has something to do with it, but he will actually WALK on the road without problems for a little bit before he decides to go back.(at that point i get off and walk him a bit before mounting again). Anyhow, apparently im being blamed for that, thats all on me because i dont "properly discipline my horses". My farrier "properly disciples my horses"(He has jerked repeatedly hard on the halter of sonny(multiple farrier vists as well) when he swished his tail and MADE HIM REAR and sonny never did anything wrong..i had forgot to apply flyspray before he got his hooves trimmed and there was fly's. farrier knew that as well.) Im just kinda done. It seems like im being blamed for everything that goes wrong with my horses, and every single time i mention working with horses i get those insults..and my mom says she would also support whatever i do..haha yea right. Depression and anxiety does not help me either. I really dont know what to do. Ive tried walking away, but they'll usually follow me.(sorry this is all over the place...)


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

Horses are a responsibility.

Like kids. Not everyone agrees with the way someone brings up their kid, and you wouldn't agree with the way they bring up theirs.

You need to sit down with your mother and talk to her, and ask her what problems she feels she has with you and the horses and discuss them. You also need to tell her how your sister, and her, are making you feel. 

Thing is, you DID forget to put fly spray on; its not your farrier's responsobility to have to teach your horse manners or put fly spray on.

Maybe you need to look at a trainer to help with the herdbound issues, because you shouldn;t have to get off him to stop him messing around.

Now you know about his feet, work him accordingly/put boots/shoes on him.

Generally when a horse was fine previously, but develops issues with a new person, it's because of training and respect issues. I would suggest that if your mother has issues with you and the horse, that she helps by paying for a trainer.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

When your sister pokes insults, try agreeing with her. That will often remove the fun from it for her. Or "since you know so much, please tell me what to do".


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

DuffyDuck said:


> Thing is, you DID forget to put fly spray on; its not your farrier's responsobility to have to teach your horse manners or put fly spray on.


All he did was swish his tail. He didnt stomp, kick, or put the foot that was being trimmed down. And then my farrier ripped the lead rope out from my hand. I can tolerate my farrier, hes helped me with my mares feet, but that one farrier visit, what he did shouldnt have happened.


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## alexischristina (Jun 30, 2009)

I'm hard pressed to blame the farrier. Often time misbehaviour is invisible to the person holding the lead rope. As for the herd bound issue... it doesn't sound like your training is effective, getting off and hand-walking could function as a reward for bad behaviour. I would suggest getting a trainer and working through your issues with your horse with them.

As far as your sister- ignore her. If I EVER punched my sister I would sure as heck get in deep trouble. Her insults / annoying you don't give you permission to swing. Siblings poke, I'm sure you've said things that have annoyed her. Move on, be the bigger person.


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## Cindyg (Jan 12, 2009)

You sound like a sweet kid with no support. Your sister teases you in a mean way and you punch her. You're depressed and anxious. Your horses have health issues and training issues which you are not able to address. 

Is it possible for you to talk to somebody about all this? Is there a responsible adult you can reach out to? At school or at church or in your family? It sounds like you don't have a trainer or any horse professional who can step in.

I would be furious if my farrier jerked my horse; but I'm an adult, and I can do a lot to control my equine situation that you can't do. 

I don't believe that most horse problems are about "disciplining" them. I believe it's all a long-term partnership that you work on constantly, so that the day my farrier or my sister comes out, they don't look like they need to be disciplined.

Also, how many horses do you have? And is your horse at home or boarded? 

You've just got too much going on without any support.


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## Textan49 (Feb 13, 2015)

You sound like you are trying very hard to stay on top of things with your horses and I admire that. However, you are a young person and only have a certain amount of experience and need to learn as much as you can
Finding a good trainer to help you would be the ideal thing if there is one in your area and you can afford one. If not there may be some experienced horse owners near by that you could approach. Perhaps you could offer to help them with stable chores in exchange for some advice. There are books, videos, and the forum that you use to solve problems.
I would also get your mom involved. Tell her that you have found information that will help with some of the problems and ask her what she thinks of it and get her ok before you try things.
Being insulted and ridiculed is a serious thing and it is wrong. Sometimes when you show them that their insults don't bother you they stop.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Family is hard, and you said most of this comes from family. It's not fair or right but often times we cop a lot more stuff from family that we wouldn't from anyone else. Siblings will be relentless and as a parent your mother probably doesn't know what to do either. 

I'd start by first look at controlling yourself. Punching your sister, punching anyone, is not okay no matter what they say. As an adult, that behaviour would get you into a lot of trouble. People can say anything they want pretty much, and there is nothing you can do about it, but the moment someone gets physical that does become illegal and punishable. So make sure you can control what you do because if you can't act like an adult then people won't treat you like one.

When your mother says these things, maybe say something like "mom, I don't like it when you say those things, you know I've had a real run of bad luck and difficulty with these horses and you saying that makes me feel really bad about myself. please stop". Don't get angry, don't argue back, just state your point and then leave. 

With your sister just don't bite ever. Just kind nod and go "sure" and then walk away. Stop giving her power over you. 

With the farrier, its hard to say. He could have been doing things you couldn't see, and it doesn't sound like what the farrier did was that bad in the scheme of things. Maybe try holding up his leg for an extended period and see what he does so if he is misbehaving you can correct.


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

Cindyg said:


> You sound like a sweet kid with no support. Your sister teases you in a mean way and you punch her. You're depressed and anxious. Your horses have health issues and training issues which you are not able to address.
> 
> Is it possible for you to talk to somebody about all this? Is there a responsible adult you can reach out to? At school or at church or in your family? It sounds like you don't have a trainer or any horse professional who can step in.
> 
> ...


Pretty much.

I dont have anyone i can go to besides a few friends. Ive considered talking with my crush's dad about this, they are probably the only adults i trust. I dont have any professional trainer who can help. I take lessons in the summer through our 4-H club. I would consider year round but with me having raynauds and wisconsins weather...yea no lol. 

I own 2 horses. My sister owns a horse so we have three living in the property but she does not interact with him, and she thinks i will do everything for her so she can ride a week before the county fair(its HUGE too.) and win every class-hes a 8yo thoroughbred who hasnt been ridden in months and is very herdbound...thats not going to happen(very timid and a beginner rider. I only just trained this horse to ride.)

I also train my own horses...because i have no other options. My mare came to me abused and unbroke with very many health problems. Ive trained her from the ground up. She went from hardly being able to walk to jumping 3' courses.(shes nit perfect though. I did have a little help from my cousin who is a trainer(also like 30 haha) but she moved out of state.)

I also keep the horses at home. 

Im also not getting teased just at home. Im getting bullyed at school just because i ride horses. This has made my depression and anxiety even worse, not to mention i got threats about them coming to mess with my horses!(they know where i live...) so really my life is screwed up...


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

I also can see myself in prision by the time im 18. Idk. 


I have held his hooves up longer then i normalls would(10 minutes. Trims take far less then that.) and he hasnt done anything. 

Its also frustrating because my family knows hardly anything about horses.(everything i know is from reading. I also taught myself how to ride.)


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## Cindyg (Jan 12, 2009)

Is there a guidance counselor at your school? You really need someone to talk to. Is your dad in the picture? A grandma? I feel sad for you.


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## 40232 (Jan 10, 2013)

AGraceful said:


> I also can see myself in prision by the time im 18. Idk.
> 
> 
> I have held his hooves up longer then i normalls would(10 minutes. Trims take far less then that.) and he hasnt done anything.
> ...


Change your life now before it gets to that point. It is NOT okay to be thinking that way. What's going to happen to your horses when you go to prison? Sold, auctioned, whatever. Be responsible FOR your animals.

Simple fix for the farrier situation:
"If you handle my horse like that again, you will not be returning to this barn." 
Boom. But if the farrier was in a position to be in a danger underneath your horse, I would've been fine with how he reacted. It was your neglect that forgot fly spray, it was your fault for not keeping the flies off of your horse, and it was your fault that your horse reacted in the way it did. The farrier is already holding one leg, what if your horse kicks up with another and loses his balance? Most farriers don't appreciate being fallen on by a thousand pound animal. You can prevent it happening again.


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

Cindyg said:


> Is there a guidance counselor at your school? You really need someone to talk to. Is your dad in the picture? A grandma? I feel sad for you.


No. And i dont trust my family. 

Idk if theres a guidance counselor at my school thoigh.


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## Tracer (Sep 16, 2012)

Call your cousin who is a trainer, and talk to her.

You need to change your outlook. The way you are thinking is probably the worst thing in your life right now. It won't be easy, but it needs to be done. They can put you down all they want, but YOU know you can do better. YOU can prove them wrong. It's hard, but you can fight back with your actions (and I don't mean punching them!). SHOW them how good you are. PROVE that you are capable.

As for the bullying at school, talk to a teacher. Choose one you are comfortable with, and ask if you can talk with them. You'll find that they often have great advice, and a heck of a lot of experience.

I've been in a similar place, and in some ways I still am. My mother and sister have little faith in my abilities, and my sister often insists that anything I can do, she can do better with horses (though she really knows very little). She and I also don't get along AT ALL. She riles me up something shocking, and now it's inbuilt in me to get my back up whenever she's around. It's not a relationship I would wish on anyone, so I'd hate to see you and your sister end up like me and mine.

I do think you need to find help training your horses though. You can self-teach as much as you want, but it will not be a substitute from someone with years more experience. Find someone to help you. You will become a far better horse person for it.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

You have to find someone to talk to face to face about this - I would suggest a school councilor because your mother needs to also sit down with that person and explain why she isn't doing enough to support her daughter and keep your sister's bad attitude under control
Families will always squabble but it should never get so bad that it leaves someone in the family feeling as miserable and outcast as you are right now
The farrier should have known better too - if the horse has a history of problems with his feet then he should expect it to be a little reactive at times - and all farriers should expect some fly irritation, sprays are never even close to 100% effective, Besides yanking on a horse that's being reactive will only make it more reactive


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## piglet (Oct 2, 2012)

You are letting your sister get points in what I call the Aggravating Game.
She is enjoying making you upset. Don't let her.

If you taught yourself to ride, you can teach yourself better anger management. You can learn to talk to yourself in a way that makes it easier to deal with life's frustrations.

It's not easy, but you can do it!


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

jaydee said:


> You have to find someone to talk to face to face about this - I would suggest a school councilor because your mother needs to also sit down with that person and explain why she isn't doing enough to support her daughter and keep your sister's bad attitude under control
> Families will always squabble but it should never get so bad that it leaves someone in the family feeling as miserable and outcast as you are right now
> The farrier should have known better too - if the horse has a history of problems with his feet then he should expect it to be a little reactive at times - and all farriers should expect some fly irritation, sprays are never even close to 100% effective, Besides yanking on a horse that's being reactive will only make it more reactive


My sister is..um, interesting i should say. Shes getting put on meds for her behavior, but still...

And my farrier said "it might have been flies but he shouldnt move" after he got done yanking on him. Im hoping once we move the horses(dads farm) my trainer will teach me how tontrim hooves so i dont have to deal with my farrier(trainer does his own horses hooves)


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

Hang in there - one day you'll look back on all of this and be able to show them you did succeed
My farrier would never retaliate like that, he even carries a portable fan with him to blow the bugs away


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## xJumperx (Feb 19, 2012)

Prayers your way, chica. Hang in there.
It's like my dad says - nobody loves you like family, and nobody screws you like family.


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## Ebonyisforme (Oct 23, 2013)

I think you and me have a lot in common. I taught myself everything I know about horses, too. If my horses have a problem, I find a way to fix it, because we can't afford trainers either. My sister flips at me any time I even mention a horse. Telling me I'm a selfish, stupid brat that doesn't deserve to live. That we should kill the horses or get rid of them, etc. I know what it's like. I haven't found a solution yet, either. I have anger issues and she will get me so riled up, If I am on the computer, I put headphones on, turn my music up, and ignore her.


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

Thanks guys. It seems like the only support i have is ya'll.


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## Cindyg (Jan 12, 2009)

Are you in high school? Do you go to a public school? Because, if so, you probably have a guidance counselor.


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

Junior high. But i cant like talk to anyone, so itd be impossible for me to actually talk to the person.


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## loveduffy (Dec 22, 2011)

just to all the nay Sayers you are right and walk away that will drive them crazy more the it will drive you crazy I own a draft in hunter jump land


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## Cindyg (Jan 12, 2009)

Why can't you talk to anyone? Do you mean because you are too shy? Or do you mean because you need to keep the matter private? Or something else?


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

social anxiety. It makes it really tough to talk to people.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

I used to be so shy that I had a hard time talking to people. I made up my mind that if I couldn't be confident, I would fake it. It worked very well. 

You are as good as the other kids at school. Their opinion doesn't count anyway. 

Do your best at school and do your best with your horses and be proud of yourself. You can do this.


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## Cindyg (Jan 12, 2009)

Do you think you would be able to ask at your school office whether they have a school counselor? You could call the office if you couldn't do it face to face. You could say you are a student but you don't want to give your name. You just want to know if it's possible to meet with a counselor.


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## Little Jane (Mar 7, 2013)

AGraceful - I'm sorry you're in this tough situation  Feel free to private message me if you need a listening ear. I was frightfully shy in junior high, too. The good news is, things get better. Seriously, it does. It looks like a mess when you're going through it, but give it some time and you'll pull through!

It's really important for you to have someone to talk to. Do you keep a journal/diary? That was sooo helpful to me. Also, if you find it too hard or scary to talk to a counselor, try writing a letter. I always found writing easier and less painful than face-to-face discussion. Any counselor should be more than happy to communicate with you via letters, if that's what you need at this point in your life.

But most of all—just keep in mind that it does get better. I promise. It might take a few years, but you will make it through this difficult stage and you'll become more comfortable and confident around people!


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

Im going to see a therapist, so do you guys still think i should talk to the schools consulor?


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## Incitatus32 (Jan 5, 2013)

AGraceful I know about not talking to people due to social anxieties. I have severe social.... anxieties/phobias. Talk to your therapist and/or general practioner. I know I couldn't talk to a therapist which did me no good at all and made it impossible for me to break the cycle. I went through six therapists in one year who all couldn't help me because I couldn't talk to them. My GP (who is also a family friend and found out what was going on) prescribed me some anti anxiety meds and helped me find a dosage that would take the edge off and allow me to talk to people to get help. (I am now off of my highest dosage and have been for six months, while I do relapse it's nothing like it was which originally was me talking to one person once a week for ten minuets.) I do have set backs due to anxieties/depression but it's getting better slowly the older I get. (I won't say I'll be giving speeches anytime soon but I can now hold 'small' talk with people on the bus and talk to therapists/psychiatrists as well as calling my folks every other day or so, so I'd say I've made huge strides. I would recommend talking to everyone you can. A school counselor can help you with the issues at school, while a therapist can help you with issues in daily life. 

As for having no support in horses I completely understand. I am extremely lucky to have found a trainer that works with me as a mentor and having a 'horse' mom. However I recieve a lot of crud from my non-horsey family about how poorly I treat my animals and about how I need to give up my childish hobby. I just brush it off. You will find connections in the horse world. It just takes a lot of time. Can you maybe find a trainer who will let you clean stalls/work for lessons or ride time? That way you can build a *hopefully beneficial* mentorship and have someone who is professionally involved with horses by your side. I know when my family lays it on me rough it's great to have a professional mentor who can guide me through what's going on. 

Any time you need to vent you can PM me, I've been there with social anxieties when you can't talk to anyone face to face and email is your best friend.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

The therapist is a great place to start.


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## Little Jane (Mar 7, 2013)

Celeste said:


> The therapist is a great place to start.


I agree!


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## Cindyg (Jan 12, 2009)

I'm delighted to hear you're going to a therapist! I kept suggesting the school counselor because it didn't sound like you would be able to get to an actual therapist. I hope you get some good direction there. Best of luck to you. I've been worried about you.


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

My social anxiety isnt bad...probably as bad as yours right now Incitatus32. 

My parents do pay for my lessons(mainly As its only $25 a month for a 2 1/2 hour lesson ince a week) but my trainer is also my 4-H leader. I have a few friends in the horse world, one being the owner of a breedng stable and the other, her moms a trainer so thats kinda nice.(ive asked her for help, but its also tough).


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## AGraceful (Nov 16, 2014)

So my sister wants to "train" her horse..."Tran him" as in beat him until he does what she says. Because its "proper discipline" and "proper training" no trainer ive ever seen, has done that. She has done it before, WITH MY HORSE because she was riding him when he was LAME and he was limping and she KNEW IT yet she rode him anyways, and he wouldnt move because he had a 100lbs or so rider with a 40lbs western saddle on and of course he was in pain, so she beat him until he moved...yet i couldnt do anything about this. i tried, and got yelled at by my mom...
Anyways, how can i stop this from happening? Her horse is a 8 year old thoroughbred, who was just taught how to ride in may and hasnt been ridden in months. She will try to "train" him and he will rear and buck because he doesnt like being hit, and she will get hurt, and he will be sold. Is there anything i can do bout this? i cant stand losing another horse..and yea i do like him...just hate that he is here.(My horse was sold so my sister could get him)


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