# Horse vrs. Boyfriend.



## DunOverIt (Dec 14, 2010)

I hate to say it, but you look pretty young and if it were me...I'd be single and have a horse.

ETA: You're in a good spot to have your parents support and a horse of your own. Don't make the mistake of moving in with a guy you've only been with a year and losing your horse. Life changes so fast, things might go downhill and you may be 30 before you can get another one.


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## Zimpatico (Nov 5, 2010)

Any guy that wants you to give up your passion to pay more attention to them is NOT the guy for you... Plain and simple.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Please do NOT move into the apartment with him. DO NOT. It will be a mistake and it will become progressively harder to extricate yourself. That is all there is to it.


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## ptvintage (Feb 12, 2010)

Think of it this way, do you want to live for yourself, or do you want to live for other people? He's clearly trying to live for himself, and trying to make it easier for him to do what he wants by trying to rope you into a commitment that benefits him. 

Don't feel bad about wanting your life to be the way you want it to be. Don't let yourself be swayed by him if you don't think it's a good decision. If he's going to be a jerk about it, it shows his true colors. 

Anyway, being single is _much _more fun than people give it credit for


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## Gizmo (Dec 19, 2010)

Thanks. I have made my definite stand that I am NOT moving into an apartment and am NOT selling Gizmo. That is that. It is everything that is frustrating to me and the he calls me out that I love Gizmo more than him and how he says that because I don't want to move out from my parents house that I don't ever want to move out. Which is for sure not the case. I want to have my own place, what 20 year old doesn't? I just want to make sure that it is financially capable to do so and not be in debt for the rest of my life. One thing he says is that "having a horse is childish and a pipe dream" that hurts. It almost makes me feel stupid. I love horses and want a career with them and I have been working a degree for two years almost. But when he isn't like this, he is the awsomest most sweetest guy ever. Just mention the word horse and his attitude changes though.


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## horselver1979 (Feb 14, 2011)

I finally broke up with my boyfriend of 11 yrs last month. Long story short, I was settling for someone who didnt care for my horses. Everytime I would go with my horse and friends I would get a guilt trip. Made me feel like crap because I was trying to juggle work, horses, boyfriend, and life. Like you, he knew I was all about my horses. It got to the point I would dread going home.

Is it hard? You bet. Do I get lonely? Yes. Would I take him back? Not a chance.

When I am ready I want a boyfriend that supports my love of horses or likes them as well as I do. I am not settling.

If he is already this way what is he going to be like years down the road?


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## Carleen (Jun 19, 2009)

DunOverIt said:


> I hate to say it, but you look pretty young and if it were me...I'd be single and have a horse.
> 
> ETA: You're in a good spot to have your parents support and a horse of your own. Don't make the mistake of moving in with a guy you've only been with a year and losing your horse. Life changes so fast, things might go downhill and you may be 30 before you can get another one.


Gotta agree with DunOverIt here.

When I started seeing my BF, I told him straight up, "Flash comes before you, if you ever made me choose - I would choose him hands down." I see it like having to choose between my son and a BF. My horse is dependant on me to care for him, exercise him, etc. My BF is perfectly capable of doing things on his own, caring for himself.


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## Gizmo (Dec 19, 2010)

horselver1979 said:


> I finally broke up with my boyfriend of 11 yrs last month. Long story short, I was settling for someone who didnt care for my horses. Everytime I would go with my horse and friends I would get a guilt trip. Made me feel like crap because I was trying to juggle work, horses, boyfriend, and life. Like you, he knew I was all about my horses. It got to the point I would dread going home.
> 
> Is it hard? You bet. Do I get lonely? Yes. Would I take him back? Not a chance.
> 
> ...


Thank you that helps a lot coming from someone who sounds like has been through the exact same thing. 11 years is a long time I commend your bravery. I am a very emotional person about break ups and things. I do love him so it is VERY hard for me to even think about breaking up with him. I keep trying to say, well maybe it will get better, and it does, but for a little bit and he is back in his bad mood again. We will have a good weekend together and then on Tuesday he will be back to being a jerk about everything and not loving him enough. It is wearing me down so much.


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## gypsygirl (Oct 15, 2009)

i broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years partially because of my horse gypsy. he was mad because he came before her in my life [as in i was dating him before i got her] and i talk about her all the time and love her more than anything or anyone. he couldnt handle that and got really jealous of her and tried to get me to not ride or see her and stuff. i dumped him.

no one can tell you what to do, but if this doesnt change, do you want to spend the rest of your life like this ? feeling guilty because of something you love ?


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## Skipsfirstspike (Mar 22, 2010)

It is ok for this guy to not share your passion about horses, but it is Not ok for him to insult you for it! (childish pipe dream???)
Sounds like he is unsupportive in general, jealous and controlling too.
Yes, break ups are hard. But if you move in with him, I fear that he would eventually make you give up horses.
I would urge you to choose the horse, and give up the guy!


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## thesilverspear (Aug 20, 2009)

If it comes down to a choice between horse or boyfriend, the boyfriend's history.


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## bsms (Dec 31, 2010)

I'm a 52 year old guy, but I've heard this with the sex reversed so often I could spit. What I've told countless guys at work and my own kids is that if she claims, "If you really love me, you'll do XYZ", run. That isn't someone to build a life with.

You are old enough to make your own decisions (and undoubtedly will), but you asked for advice. Women who say "If you REALLY love me, you'll give up [flying fighters, hiking, fill in the blank]" will never be satisfied. Someone who loves you may not understand or share your passion, but they want you to be happy and fulfilled as well. Sometimes in life you DO have to give up something you love doing for a higher good, but that should come from within you. Someone who makes it a test for you to pass is too immature to spend a life with.

My wife is an intense, type A personality. So am I. We've been married for 24 years, and each of us has sometimes had to give up something to help out the other. That is life, and that is love. But she has never demanded I give up something, and I've never demanded it from her.

The Apostle Paul - a single guy - wrote "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

That is an ideal, and I don't know anyone who lives up to it. I sure don't. But it does give a summary of what it takes to live your life with another person.

And if it isn't for life, then why would you give up a burning passion for someone for...what? A year? 6 months? Two years? I've never seen a successful relationship built on, "If you love me, you will do XYZ for me."

Sorry for the lecture. It's a sore point with me.


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## Skipsfirstspike (Mar 22, 2010)

bsms
Didn't sound like a lecture, sounded like the truth.
I agree that there are a lot of women out there that pull this bs on their men.
I find it usually comes from someone who doesn't have any hobbies or pursuits of their own, and therefore cannot understand the other's passion, so they become jealous of the time spent.


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## my2geldings (Feb 18, 2008)

Gizmo said:


> Let me just say that I am overly frustrated right now. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now and he KNEW when he started dating me I had a horse. That was RJ, at the time and I was boarding him. He was all into horses and thought it was the cutest thing and came over to see him and watch me work him all the time. So I was really ecstatic to find someone who liked horses too. Then I brought RJ home, and since he was kicked out of his parents house my parents were nice enough to let him move in for very little in rent. So I was trying to train a horse in hard circumstances, because I didn't have right equipment, the right people to help me, and they started logging behind my house. So I wanted to buy a different horse, so I went out looking and he got mad and me because I just wasn't going to sell RJ and be done with horses. And I explained to him that horses are my life, they are what I want to do in life and I will never live without one so long as I have the money to have one.
> So now I have Gizmo, and because he couldn't save money my dad kicked him out, so he lives a town away and he wants an apartment, and I DO NOT want to live in an apartment! He KNEW this because I have only told him five thousand times, and I am not giving up Gizmo after I have searched so long for a great horse and finally found one.
> He really doesn't understand that apartments around here run 900-1200 a month, if you saved that money instead of throwing it out the window into an apartment you can buy a nice house in a couple of years of savings. I don't know why he is trying to rush it so much I am only 20 years old! It is hard out there, things cost so much now a days. I would rather save for something I want than throw money out the window for something I would HATE.
> So now all he says is that I love my horse more than him and that I never pay attention to him, and I do! I feel like I am neglecting Gizmo because I'm trying to spend time with him. I am so frustated and just have been crying about everything. Am I wrong and being selfish by not wanting to sell Gizmo and move into an apartment? I don't think I am. Does anyone have any advice or anything? I mean it has gotten so bad lately any mention of Gizmo he freaks out and won't talk to me the rest of the night.


What a hard position to be in. I ran into the problem about 2 years ago, of making the decision between my horse and my boyfriend. The decision wasn't because he was against me having a horse, on the contrary, he adored my horse, he wanted to own a horse :lol:

You have to decide what works for you. You have to decide what it is you want to do over the next few years. Your horse has always been part of your life, he should be respecting that. If it's an issue then perhaps looking forwards and moving on with YOUR life is what you need to do. I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you're doing. You are so young, boys will come later! AND you will find a man who adores you for you AND your horse(s) not telling to get rid of him for an apartment.

It might be heartbreaking, but your love is in your horse, don't let him step on you, love will come dont you worry about that.


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## VelvetsAB (Aug 11, 2010)

_If he isn't happy with it now, it most likely will not get better. _

_Don't give up things that mean something to you, because you end up becoming "lost" and do not feel whole anymore._

_I personally would not continue to date anyone who didn't like me having an activity that I loved. _


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## Gizmo (Dec 19, 2010)

Thanks for the support everyone. I think that I am going to have a very serious conversation with him soon. I'm going to say simply again that "I do not want an apartment, and I do not want to give up Gizmo, nor am I. I love you but we have only been together for a year and we have plenty of time to save and really think about having a life together." And if he doesn't agree with that or want to wait, then that is it, because that is how I am going to stand on it and if that is not what he wants then he can leave.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Does he have a job? If not he needs one, if he does, then he needs a 2nd job so that he can support himself.

To me, and may be wrong but, he wants you to pick up most of the bills, and that is a bad way to start out any relationship, as women make less generally than men do, so if you bring home 200 a week, and pay 1/2 the bills, but he brings home 400 a week and pays the other half? You are going in the hole already. He has double the money from paycheck and can tote more.

And I agree with whoever said if he is like this now? This is a good indication of how he will be in the future.

Walk away from this one. I don't think any good can come of it.

And generally? A man will be nice for a couple of days and then go back to being a jerk over and over. It is conditioning you to put up with the BS.

So not worth it.


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## hhadavis (May 3, 2008)

You are so young right now, men will come and go..and the ones that need to go are the ones that dont support your goals...it will only hold you back (your so young) and you'll wake up in 10 years probably with someone else and wonder how you got off track. My husband and I divorced for 2 years over animals and some other issues (horses dogs kids)..I guess I had finally got fed up supporting all of his hobbies (fishing, golfing) but I was supposed to fit my life in his circle. He now realizes how selfish it was back then, but when your going thru it they wont realize it until they realize what they have lost. I guess I would have been a little more understanding if I didnt work as hard as him..and the baggage that came with him too (a witchy ex and 2 kids) also made it worse. And like I tell my daughters now when they say I love one more than the other...I say yep I do...I started doing the same with my husband when he said I loved my dogs/horses more than him...it shut him up quickly. And I can honestly say if you can afford a horse and the responsiblity to go with it..do it..you'll kick yourself in the future if you dont. One of the main problems with my stepdaughters Mom is she blames everyone else for what "she" choose to do with her life (nothing at all), when she is the one that made her own choices..having custody of her 2 girls now..I make it quite clear to them that this is their time to do for themselves and they have only themselves to blame for what they dont do. And they listen, because they know after watching their Mom that its just an excuse. Im also the one to tell them not to get married til after they are 25 too and even then you may not have all your main goals done...so you had better be sure you have a mutually supportive relationship. My husband and I are doing much better second time around..and honestly if I hadnt already have a child with him and our past...I dont know if I would have worked on it...I was pretty sick of giving up it all to make him happy. they should want you happy..sounds like hes taking his shortcomings/fustration/insecurity out on you, and you could drop it all for him..but I think you would find if you do cave in...it would be something else down the road. I think you already realize that....


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## Gizmo (Dec 19, 2010)

Yes, I am realizing that I need to do what makes me happy and since I have been with him I don't feel as happy as I did when I was first with him. He seems to be getting worse and worse. I haven't seen him yet to have a real conversation with him about things, but I am going to. So I guess it wouldn't be bad to say that I do love Gizmo more than him, because it really feels like I do. Gizmo is there for me ALL the time, whenever I need him. He knows when I am sad or hurt. And he doesn't argue with me or get mad at me, or use hurtful words when he is mad.


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## my2geldings (Feb 18, 2008)

You should not be settling down with what he thinks is appropriate. Horses have always been part of your life and that's something he should have respected. I think if you had been a more settled couple(more time together, or engaged/married), then adding horses to your life, or continuing horses in your life is something that should be talked about as a couple right-BUT this is totally different. If he won't respect your passion, how do you know he will respect other things in your life in the future.


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## bigbull (Sep 4, 2010)

i am a guy and i say kick him into touch as he is no good for you as he is thinking of him self and no one else


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## Gizmo (Dec 19, 2010)

Thanks, I like hearing the male point of view too.  It really helps me think that I am not being selfish and I am doing the right thing and he is being a jerk about it.


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## bigbull (Sep 4, 2010)

he is being a really big jerk about it he needs to stop and think about what he is doing and saying


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## my2geldings (Feb 18, 2008)

Gizmo said:


> Thanks, I like hearing the male point of view too.  It really helps me think that I am not being selfish and I am doing the right thing and he is being a jerk about it.


 I totally think that you are. A few years ago, I dated this great guy for some time, and it turned out he lost on me when I attempted to show him what horses were about. Asked me why I was wasting money on them and he wanted nothing to do with them, or even let me talk about it! needless to say, that was the second last day we were a "couple". Your boyfriend needs to love you for who you are and respect you. He doesn't need to like what you do, but at least show you support and be happy because you're happy. What he is doing and saying is just rude. Good for you for standing up for yourself.


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## horselver1979 (Feb 14, 2011)

Gizmo

I give _you_ credit, you didnt wait ll yrs to have this discussion/break up (dont get me wrong, it just wasnt the horse issue, there was more than just that but I gave him so many chances and I was just done.)

You are young like everyone is saying. Have fun, do some crazy things, be happy but dont let anyone else take that away from you. Have your talk, lay it down for him. Let him know. May be you can work it out. May be he will see the light.

What ever your descion, its your life. You know in your gut/heart what needs to be done. 

Good luck!!!


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## Zimpatico (Nov 5, 2010)

Sometimes it helps to take a step back and think, "would I ever say/do this to him?" and "how would he react if I did?" IMO, he's the one acting childish and immature, certainly not you...


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## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

Personally I would not want to be with a guy who wanted to control me for one date, let alone one year. You have any idea just how many wonderful men there are in the world? You do not need to be with someone who wants to control you, have a look for someone who supports you instead. 

My Hub has no interest in horses, I cannot even get him to ride, but he supports my desire for it. For me, money tends to get tight around Xmas, I told him that I was going to pay my board for 2 months in advance so money would be tight that month, he told me I was making a good decision. 

Sounds to me like this guy wants you to spend the money on helping him with his bills, and he has no interest in your interests. When someone does not support you in the things you care about, this can be so bad. 

I know it is never easy, but say goodbye. Let the door hit him on the way out. Go find yourself a sweet soul who would put your needs before his own.


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## Dusty1228 (Dec 2, 2010)

It sounds to me like you are making the right choices based on LOGIC and that is extremely important. You are thinking about the entire future picture while he is thinking in terms of the next few months/year it sounds like. 

Stand firm, there is no reason on earth, horses or no horses to let anyone dictate or manipulate you into a situation you would rather not be in. You're not being selfish again, you're being logical. 

As I've told my BF everytime he gets ****y... The horse wins every time, so don't even start. It's not like you have to wonder where I'm spending my evenings and what bar I'm at with whom. I'm at the barn, I'm always at the barn, I smell like a horses ***, I ALWAYS smell like a horses ***. Suck it up. Do I love my horse more than you... well... He never gives me a problem when I go to YOUR house!

Horselover: Kudos to YOU as well. As horse people we are as a rule pretty strong, but we can only take so much!


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## bsms (Dec 31, 2010)

For a relationship to work, both sides have to be willing to give. If a woman waits for a man who will only consider 'her needs', she'll never find a man worth having. 

Love requires two. Women who expect a man to always give in don't want a man at all. The key isn't who gives, but HOW an agreement is reached on the compromise. Those who use threats or emotional coercion - "If you love me..." - aren't mature enough to build a lifelong relationship. OTOH, a discussion might include "If we want to reach common goal Z, then X & Y have to be done..."

When kids get involved, LOTS of compromises come up. Once there are kids, it stops any 'what I want' because it all turns into 'what our kids need'. I've been married for 24 years, with one wife, 3 kids and 3 grandkids (and 2 dogs and 2 horses). I'm WAY out of the dating stage (Thank God!)...but if I were dating, and a gal told me her horses come first, I'd tell her to enjoy her marriage to her horse and leave without regret. A gal who acted like that wouldn't be mature enough to build anything permanent with either.

It cuts both ways. Ultimatums and emotional blackmail are unacceptable to mature adults. Those who use them are kids, regardless of their age or sex.


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