# Should I confront my fiancé about lying/being a jerk?



## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

If you aren't managing now, how will you manage for the next forty fifty sixty etc years of your life with the same person? 

You need to sit him down and tell him that you love him for who he is and not someone he is making out to be.


----------



## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

Run away. As far and as fast as you can. He's a compulsive liar and that's not going to change. 

What about a lying, unemployed jerk who verbally abuses you is so wonderful that you believe he's 'the one'? He even lied to you about your _engagement_ ring, for heaven's sake. 

He sounds like a manipulative abuser to me. He'll only get worse if you marry him, not better. You making excuses for his behavior is a very BIG red flag. So what if his grandfather is King of the Asses to him? That doesn't give him any right to take it out on you.

But of course you'll ignore my advice and defend him, because he's soooo wonderful. Seen it a thousand times. I honestly hope you never need the number for the abused women's shelters in your area.


----------



## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

All I will say is that lying about anything is a very slippery slope. Be careful.


----------



## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

Having been happily married for over 35 yrs, I cannot imagine going into a marriage with ANYONE who lies or is a jerk and EVER tells me I am stupid. AS we age, our traits tend to becomes more pronounced not less.....so this will NOT get better with age.

I think you should do some very real thinking about marrying this guy. Believe me there are better ones out there. Not someone I would even have as a friend, no less a husband.


----------



## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Run away. He's got something wrong with him that makes him think what he's doing is okay. Like mentally wrong.

You do not manage a person's flaws. When a person's flaws require an outside party to manage them, those flaws are unhealthy. You shouldn't have to manage his flaws. You either accept him or not. I hope you vote for not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

Don't even bother talking to him, it is not worth the effort. As others have said, run as far and as fast as you can!

Never look back!


----------



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about. The being a jerk, well, he is human, and I'm sure I'm a jerk at times, too.
Other than the lying he is great. We both love animals, have the same interests, he and my parents get along GREAT, and he treats me like a princess. He is 20 and I am 24. Usually the things he lies about are done so in a way that if true, would make him look better. Like an expensive ring, saying the wreck wasn't his fault, etc. and it could be because I am 4 years older than him that he feels he needs to "make up" for the age gap by making himself look/sound older.
Just a though I had...

He is a very hard worker. He has had jobs and I know it's not a lie that he works because I have seen proof and gone with him to different jobs. He enjoys working. He also works for my parents helping to manage our 31 acre farm. When he is in between other jobs he will put in 4-12 hours a day for my parents. 
He is not unemployed by choice.


----------



## Darrin (Jul 11, 2011)

I'm seeing Red Flags flying everywhere, run and don't stop to look back. I've run into plenty of guys like this and their personal life is never pretty. They'll admit to plenty being wrong but to a man it's always the woman's fault. The lying wont stop, most are cheaters and physically/verbally abusive. In short, they don't respect women but they are very good at making women fall for them.

Let me be frank here, you'll end up hating the guy in less than 5 years and want a divorce. Unfortunately you'll likely have kids by then so walking away wont exactly be easy. Even if you do put your big girl panties on for a divorce, with kids you'll never totally get away.


----------



## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

"other than lying he is great......" REALLY? Lying is HUGE. When you are in a marriage, trust is paramount. How can you possibly ever trust this guy? Stop making excuses. You sound like a "fixer" to me, and he will NOT change. Yes, he will most likely be a cheater...because telling girls he is single makes him look good too (in his mind) you know. 

RUN FAR and FAST.


----------



## redpony (Apr 17, 2012)

^^^^^ that! I know it's hard but we don't always love what is best for us. Confonting him will only produce more lies, I.e.I'll never lie again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kitten_Val (Apr 25, 2007)

Wow! Custom made ring for $18 and made-up accident story? And you call him "amazing"? Sorry, girl, but I'd look for the different man. He will NOT going to change whether you talk to him or not, and you will NOT know when he lies to you.


----------



## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

Sorry, but the lying is a VERY BIG DEAL, and if you can't see that then you're going to get hurt and perhaps not just emotionally.

If he'll lie to you about small stuff he's going to lie to you about big things such as, 'Oh no honey, I'd NEVER cheat on you!' 

'Oh sweetie, I'm sorry I was mad and hit you. I promise it'll NEVER happen again!'

'Oh baby, I SWEAR I was robbed and didn't really blow my paycheck on booze and hookers! You know I'd NEVER do that!'

Most men aren't compulsive liars who need to make up crap to feel better than they are. You need to find one of those, not stay with this loser.


----------



## Shoebox (Apr 18, 2012)

Wildfire89 said:


> The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about.


You say that as if it's a small inconsequential thing. Lying is HUGE. and it VERY quickly will build and spiral.

One of my ex-good-friends started this. Compulsively lying. Honestly at first I thought it was funny, just a little quirk. Eventually it would get to the point where he lied about EVERYTHING. There was MORE than one time I could see that he was wrong and I would even look it up and point it out, and he'd get defensive and upset.

I love the guy but that right there is the reason I no longer speak to him. The fact that he thinks he can lie to my face and get away with it, and then have the audacity to get upset when I prove him wrong, makes my blood boil. 

I really doubt you're going to take the advice and run since he is "so perfect", so the only advice I can give you is YES. Confront him about it.


----------



## kitten_Val (Apr 25, 2007)

Speed Racer said:


> If he'll lie to you about small stuff he's going to lie to you about big things such as, 'Oh no honey, I'd NEVER cheat on you!', 'Oh sweetie, I'm sorry I was mad and hit you. I promise it'll NEVER happen again!', 'Oh baby, I SWEAR I was robbed and didn't really blow my paycheck on booze and hookers! You know I'd NEVER do that!'


Not very nice of me, but :rofl: . It's all true. Unfortunately. 

I knew exactly a guy in a rant (lie and made-up stories about everything), and I also knew a woman who wanted to marry him. She ended up without all money she saved. And the guy switched to a different "target".


----------



## Bagheera (Apr 23, 2013)

I'd say that your fiancé is starting to show his true colors to you finally. You are headed towards a potentially abusive relationship. I can speak from experience. The lies and verbal abuse start slowly and will just build over time. Get out while you can.


----------



## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

You could also just continue to lie to yourself and think about what a great catch you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roadyy (Feb 9, 2013)

Speed Racer said:


> Sorry, but the lying is a VERY BIG DEAL, and if you can't see that then you're going to get hurt and perhaps not just emotionally.
> 
> If he'll lie to you about small stuff he's going to lie to you about big things such as, 'Oh no honey, I'd NEVER cheat on you as long as you don't **** me off!'
> 
> ...


Added his real responses when it escalates to the level it is surely headed to.


----------



## OutOfTheLoop (Apr 1, 2012)

You just described my EX husband. He did that same crap. He would tell crazy tells to me and my family, and ne er could back it up. Speaking from experience, RUN RUN RUN
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Red Gate Farm (Aug 28, 2011)

Should you confront him?

Yes.

What you do after the fallout will determine your future, good or bad.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

He has very low self esteem and probably some underlying mental disorder.
Stop making excuses for his behavior.
You need to evaluate yourself and IMO improve your own self esteem. You sound very co dependent .
If he gets treatment he might change.
However at his age certain Mental disorders start to become apparent.
Serious ones that if untreated can become very big problems and some of the things you are describing are symptoms.
Step back and take a look at yourself. Ask yourself why do I feel the need to continue in a relationship with so much against it. Shalom


----------



## Roadyy (Feb 9, 2013)

I know none of these responses were exactly what you were hoping for, but there are so many woman who have fallen victim to your type of boy. I say boy because a man doesn't have to use those tactics to be a man. 

I give my wife a hard time when she makes a foolish mistake that causes us financial hardship and you can bet your sweet butt she will return the favor when I have a lapse in judgement. We DO NOT ridicule or belittle one another in the process. I have not lied to her about anything to make myself look better. I am who I am and if we were going to have a long life together then she needed to have all of me known to decide if I was worthy of being next to her in 60 years.


----------



## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

When I was 20 I made the very stupid mistake of marrying a guy who was a compulsive liar. It wasn't pretty. 

I too was where you are, believing that he was so sweet and wonderful and the times I caught him lying were just little, isolated instances. When other people warned me about his compulsive lying they just didn't understand him, they were treating him wrong, they were lying... any excuse to take blame away from him in my mind. He was the type of liar who truly believed his own lies (mentally unstable) which made him so very convincing. He could look you in the eyes and tell you something you knew was a lie, but make you want to believe him. And it was not just me who felt this way when he lied. 

Things escalated very quickly after we got married, it went from just the lies to him being controlling and manipulative. Then can the mental and emotional abuse. Then came the day where out of the blue he grabbed me by the neck, shoved me up against the wall and told me how easy it would be to snap my neck. That's when I got out, but even then it was not easy to get away. His lying then manifested itself again when he told all of my friends and family that I was a horrible person who was too insecure to be loved by a man as loving as he was, had treated him unfairly and was on a downhill slope to becoming a hooker. And guess what: even my family believed his lies for awhile. 

I'm not saying all this to try to scare you, but to try to make you understand that the lying is a very, very big deal and it will get worse as time goes on, not better. If you won't leave this guy, please have a very long engagement (I'm talking 2 years at least) and live with him during that time. See what kind of behavior comes out when he is truly comfortable with you and believes he has control over you. It probably won't be pretty.


----------



## ladygodiva1228 (Sep 5, 2012)

I dated a guy for 5 years who lied about so many things it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. 

The last straw was when I wasn't getting my child support checks. I knew my daughters father had been working full time for several months and he insisted the money was being taken out weekly by the state, yet I had not received one check. 

I had found a piece of a state envelope (they were an orange color). So I called the child support services department and low and behold they had been sending me out checks weekly for $105. For almost 6 months that lying piece of crap had been cashing the checks and going to the casino with his buddies. 

When I confronted him he got all defensive and had the gall to say that he deserved that money since he dropped my daughter off at school everyday. 

I told him he had 2 hours to get his crap and get out of my house. He then proceeded to hit me which ended with him being taken to the hospital. 
No man will hit me and get away with it. I opended up a can of whoop **** on him that he will never forget. I love rolling pins. Busted up three of his ribs and right knee. Mind you he was around 325lbs and I was a good 250lbs so we were not small people. 

So OP run from this guy he will always lie and it will just get worse. 

Lying is a very very serious thing and not one to take lightly, I don't care how much you say you love him.


----------



## JustDressageIt (Oct 4, 2007)

Why are you marrying this guy? 

Run away now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

My advice-RUN from a liar! More bad stuff will come if you marry this guy. I'm not good at picking men, but I made sure to never have any children by them, as I knew they were not anybody I wanted in my life for the rest of it. Yes, I'm married-for 11 years now, but being around him is tough & I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut when his temper flares. I'm not sure which one of us will die first, but in my dreams I hope for a few peaceful years w/out him, but I'm eight years older, so who knows-my cancer could come back, or he could have a bad asthma attack. Life's a journey, & we all have our crosses to bear.


----------



## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

There's always divorce, Cacow. You don't need to stay married to someone you despise. If you say you're dependent on his money, I may scream.


----------



## konikirule (Jun 26, 2013)

Everyine is saying to run, and i do agree. But lets be realistic- you probably wont. Sit him down and tell him that unless he stops lying the wedding is in risk. Tell him that you love him for who he is and that you dont need him to lie to make hinself sound better. Life is life and **** happens. Now be careful, because lying like that is very very very bad. Please stop making excuses for him, sit him down, tell him everything on your mind, and if you catch him lying again even after that "intervention" your gonna have, tell him its over and send him flying out the door. Its hard, but the truth hurts. People who lie shouldn't have the right to be with good people like you, and making you kicking him out (if it does happen) will be a wake up call, but maybe not. Don't let him make up excuses, he needs to apologize and promise to never lie again. This is your happiness and the rest of your life in danger. Good Luck xxx


----------



## JustDressageIt (Oct 4, 2007)

Cacowgirl said:


> My advice-RUN from a liar! More bad stuff will come if you marry this guy. I'm not good at picking men, but I made sure to never have any children by them, as I knew they were not anybody I wanted in my life for the rest of it. Yes, I'm married-for 11 years now, but being around him is tough & I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut when his temper flares. I'm not sure which one of us will die first, but in my dreams I hope for a few peaceful years w/out him, but I'm eight years older, so who knows-my cancer could come back, or he could have a bad asthma attack. Life's a journey, & we all have our crosses to bear.


Why do you stay married to someone that you hope will die so you can have some peace?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

Cacowgirl said:


> My advice-RUN from a liar! More bad stuff will come if you marry this guy. I'm not good at picking men, but I made sure to never have any children by them, as I knew they were not anybody I wanted in my life for the rest of it. Yes, I'm married-for 11 years now, but being around him is tough & I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut when his temper flares. I'm not sure which one of us will die first, but in my dreams I hope for a few peaceful years w/out him, but I'm eight years older, so who knows-my cancer could come back, or he could have a bad asthma attack. Life's a journey, & we all have our crosses to bear.


Divorce is easier to plan than death.


----------



## texasgal (Jul 25, 2008)

OP.. why do you think he lies? Here are some reasons:

1. It's patholocial. It won't change. Run.
2. He doesn't care that he's being dishonest with you. Run.
3. He doesn't trust you will love him if you know the truth. So he manipulates by lying. Run.
4. He thinks you're stupid and will believe anything he says. Doesn't respect you. Run.
5. It works for him because of YOUR low self esteem. Run.

Look, you're smart enough to know that these lies are RIDICULOUS. I think it's pathological. It's not healthy and will probably lead to bigger forms of abuse and manipulation.

RUN.RUN.RUN.

imo


----------



## Joe4d (Sep 1, 2011)

Why isnt your thread titled,"should I confront my X fiance."
You marry that loser you deserve what you end up with.


----------



## texasgal (Jul 25, 2008)

^^ spoken as only Joe can. 

Truth.


----------



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

With the dog thing, I have known Sammy (the dog) for months. Whenever my fiancé is over she roams the property. I know her. Troy had said before "oh, she's fine with any animal, she'll be fine with the goats". I based my decision on information from Troy and also my own personal experience with her. I probably shouldn't have included the bit about the dog and goats in my thread, I was in rant mode and it really bothered me that I got snapped at and told that what I did was stupid, since I was just trying to do something nice for her and Troy.


----------



## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

Wildfire89 said:


> With the dog thing, I have known Sammy (the dog) for months. Whenever my fiancé is over she roams the property. I know her. Troy had said before "oh, she's fine with any animal, she'll be fine with the goats". I based my decision on information from Troy and also my own personal experience with her. I probably shouldn't have included the bit about the dog and goats in my thread, I was in rant mode and it really bothered me that I got snapped at and told that what I did was stupid, since I was just trying to do something nice for her and Troy.


I really think that is one of the least important parts of your post, but what it shows is his willingness to cut you down, call you stupid and blame things on you. I would guess that that was probably not the first or last time he insulted you when you didn't do what he wanted you to.


----------



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

Ok, I am going to try and not get defensive. Edit: I will try and not reply in such a manner that the mods will interfere.
I love Troy, I am HAPPY with him, really truly happy. I have told him that I will leave him if 1) he cheats on me, or 2) he puts his hands on me in a violent way. 
Sure, I can't keep him from cheating and lying about it, but I can end the relationship WHEN I found out. I have been in crappy relationsh*ts in the past and this is not one. I wouldn't have accepted the proposal if I had any doubts in my mind about us.
How is what he said about the goat thing (talking down, saying that what I did was stupid, making me feel about an inch tall, etc) different than what I've read from a couple of you? Like the "you deserve what you end up with", and automatically assuming I am just so blind and stubborn that I will ignore any and all advice? I don't see a difference. It's not constructive in the slightest. If this is what happens when I ask for advice, then I guess I came to the wrong place.
Just saying.


----------



## texasgal (Jul 25, 2008)

Then we'll go back to your original question - Should you confront him.

Confronting a Partner - Truth About Deception

*How to Confront a Lying Husband or Wife*

What are you supposed to do when you catch your husband or wife lying?
Before accusing a partner or spouse of lying, there are a couple of things to consider:
Is your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend a compulsive or pathological liar?
Will confronting him or her only make matters worse?
Will your partner stop lying if you confront him or her?
And what is the best way to do it?

On the pages that follow, the specific issues are addressed:

dealing with a situational or chronic liar
making matters worse
best way to confront a liar
dealing with compulsive lying
Or using the link on the right will take you through each page of this section....


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

That man needs a mental health professional and treatment. NOT a wife or girlfriend.
He doesnt like himself how can you expect him to love and respect you?
Once again you are defending him.
May I suggest you find the local chapter of Co dependents Anonymous and go to a meeting. You are in need of the services of one of my colleagues also. Shalom


----------



## texasgal (Jul 25, 2008)

Compulsive Lying - Truth About Deception

*Compulsive Lying*

Is your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend a *compulsive/pathological liar* or a *sociopath*?

____________________________________

Great little tidbits on this page... including:

Simply put, for a compulsive liar, *lying becomes second nature.*
Not only do compulsive liars bend the truth about issues large and small, they take comfort in it. Lying feels right to a compulsive liar. Telling the truth, on the other hand, is difficult and uncomfortable.
And like any behavior which provides comfort and an escape from discomfort (i.e., alcohol, drugs, sex), lying can become addictive and hard to stop. For the compulsive liar, lying feels safe and this fuels the desire to lie even more.


----------



## texasgal (Jul 25, 2008)

Look, OP.. we aren't saying these things to be mean. Most of us have lived this nightmare. I'm sure you're probably regretting even starting the thread but you need to take a real HARD LOOK at why he feels it's necessary to lie to you about such stupid things ... and also why YOU think it's even remotely ok to think about spending your life with someone that you can't even trust to look you in the face and tell you the truth.

It's tough .. and you obviously are bothered by it or you wouldn't have posted.

If you confront him, don't be surprised if it gets ugly and, before you know it, it will be all your fault and you'll be the bad guy for calling him out.

I wish you the best.. but you're going to do exactly what you want to.

I've given you the start of some resources .. go research and be totally honest with yourself.

Best wishes.


----------



## wetrain17 (May 25, 2011)

You've only been with this guy for 8 months. Of course its been "perfect." You're just getting out of the new, puppy-dog love that relationships start with. You're just starting to see how this guy really is. Should you confront him? No. You should do as others suggested and run. Calling someone you love "stupid" is unacceptable, especially when done out of anger or frustration. 

This guy is bad news and it will lead down a path of misery for you.


----------



## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

You have to admit, if it weren't so serious it would be funny. Gees, get gone - yesterday.


----------



## Mochachino (Aug 14, 2012)

It's always good to get some perspective from an objective source. I've been there and done that in terms of what you are dealing with. You will sweep everything under the rug, get married and have a child probably. You will one day realize that the dirt under the rug grows into a mountain, and through all of this your child (if you have one) will learn that it is ok to lie and speak to people in a rude and disrespectful manner. Personally I never could trust my ex. I never really knew how much money he had, never knew really what e was doing or where he was. I found out Once he was on the east coast of Canada on a vacation when he was supposed to have been in Alberta working and we live on the west coast of Canada and throughout the two weeks he was there he spoke to me on the phone an lied every day. Without trust there is no relationship, you have nothing, believe me and it will only get worse. If you are going to stay you better get a strong backbone and be willing to call him on his BS each and every time you hear it and not just stay quiet about it.


----------



## LovesMyDunnBoy (Aug 11, 2011)

I couldn't find where it said you'd been together only 8 months but another reply mentioned it so I must be missing it.

Please, run away as fast as you can. I've dated a compulsive liar, he cheated on my about 4 times in a month and somehow managed to make me feel like it was my fault. He was also a drug user, and he stole money from his own parents. At least $3000 total from their safe (we're 17) And when we were spending time together, he was perfect. Opened doors, yes ma'am no ma'am, treated me and my family like a gentleman, and was the sweetest thing. When I wasn't there is was a totally different story. Once I started noticing the things that were going on and confronting him it turned into a very volatile relationship. 

You don't truly know who someone is until you're together at least a year, and even then there's risks.

I hope you take the advice from everyone here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jumanji321 (Dec 1, 2010)

LovesMyDunnBoy said:


> I couldn't find where it said you'd been together only 8 months but another reply mentioned it so I must be missing it.
> 
> 
> I hope you take the advice from everyone here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's in another thread the OP posted.


----------



## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

Wildfire89 said:


> Ok, I am going to try and not get defensive. Edit: I will try and not reply in such a manner that the mods will interfere.
> I love Troy, I am HAPPY with him, really truly happy. I have told him that I will leave him if 1) he cheats on me, or 2) he puts his hands on me in a violent way.
> Sure, I can't keep him from cheating and lying about it, but I can end the relationship WHEN I found out. I have been in crappy relationsh*ts in the past and this is not one. I wouldn't have accepted the proposal if I had any doubts in my mind about us.
> *How is what he said about the goat thing (talking down, saying that what I did was stupid, making me feel about an inch tall, etc) different than what I've read from a couple of you? Like the "you deserve what you end up with", and automatically assuming I am just so blind and stubborn that I will ignore any and all advice? I don't see a difference. *It's not constructive in the slightest. If this is what happens when I ask for advice, then I guess I came to the wrong place.
> Just saying.


The difference is, you are not marrying any of us, plus we can be totally objective, and you asked. I realize the answers are not what you wanted to hear, but hopefully they will at least make you stay engaged a LONG time so you can give this a lot of thought.


----------



## LovesMyDunnBoy (Aug 11, 2011)

jumanji321 said:


> It's in another thread the OP posted.


Oh thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## demonwolfmoon (Oct 31, 2011)

I consider myself to be a fairly nice person. Sure, I can be blunt, and I can be short, but I try to do my best for others, even when I myself am in a hole.

That being said....I don't know HOW MANY TIMES I've tried to counsel (clearly not professionally) a friend of mine that was in a relationship for a week, a month, a year with another young person, and decided they were THE ONE! That they should immediately get married and push out babies.

It doesn't matter to that starstruck and probably needing some therapy them self 20-something that their intended either: 

*Is serially unemployed
Lies to them
Cheats on them'
Hits them but ONLY because they totally deserved it
Separates them from their friends (manipulator)
Is a serial dater
*
*No, NONE of that matters, because they LOVE Pookie, and he/she wouldn't do that to them, because what they have is 'special'.
*
One guy got this girl he met in a Tijuana night club pregnant within a month.
My work friend, who had a BLACK EYE on her wedding got knocked up even though it was dangerous to her health...I lost track of her after that.
Others unhappily got divorced after kids etc...

I actually provided MH LITERATURE to the girl with the black eye...and to be honest, after repeating this info....*Pookie WILL NOT CHANGE unless he/she changes THEMSELVES!!!!*...I get tired of wasting air.

How many teens/20 somethings in LOVE listen? I didn't! You would think that people like me, who made that mistake because no one cared enough to intervene, and will suffer for more than 18 years because of it would be a precautionary tale...*but no, Pookie is different...and no one can tell the in love person anything otherwise....they're happy together, see?*

Anyway, frustrating as it is, I'm sure the OP will figure it out someday. She's stated repeatedly that she's "happy" with things...


----------



## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

This guy is a loser and I am going to tell you why. First off, he proposed to a woman without having a job, his own house or a decent ring (I know you don't care about the price of the ring, but he clearly does because he lied about it and said he spent a ton when in fact it was less than $20). All of that means he has no foresight of the future or being a responsible husband, he just wants to be with you because it feels good to him. That is a loser. So you are engaged to a loser, congrats.


----------



## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

You have been given advice, yet still defend him. You are not going to leave (the smart decision) so you should stop complaining. There is a saying.. you get what ya pay for. 
you are paying for dishonesty. if you can live with a liar, dont be surprised in a few years if you find the lies are to cover large indiscretions.


----------



## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

I've been trying to find some other words to basically tell you what everyone else already has. I can't. It's been said. You can't go into a marriage thinking you can change or fix someone. You don't seem to want to though, so that is good..??... That also means you are willing to live with the lies. Hmmm... why would you be willing to do that? I don't get it at all.


----------



## KatieQ (Apr 4, 2011)

I agree with the others... run away fast!! Being married to a compulsive liar is no fun, believe me. Especially if they try to cover up their lies by blaming you or others for them. Eventually you will begin to believe you are the crazy one, which is why psychopaths are so successful. They are master manipulators and will destroy everyone around them to get what they want.


----------



## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

I'm sorry but I see it from the same perspective as other posters. You're compromising on your happiness without even realizing it.

When someone lies to you, it means that they feel you can't handle the truth, they need to impress you, they don't trust you, they won't like your reaction, etc.

If it happens once, it can be forgiven. But when he is lying about things that are important, and frequently, it's a huge issue.

It won't get better... it will only get worse. And I don't know about you, but I would not be happy living with someone like that. 

My ex lied to me a few times, and it hurt so badly. And it was over nothing serious as we weren't getting married or anything.

Don't do this to yourself.


----------



## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

Op, you are frightening me. You had a bad night with him because of the goat/dog situation, so you came here to vent, since then you have calmed down and are excusing his behaviors. Every post you have made since is defending him. 

I believe that you are making a very big mistake staying with this man, he is mentally ill. Well and healthy people do not lie like that. 

It's your choice and your life, but he is finding out what you will put up with, and apparently that's a lot. So it will escalate. Please leave him, or just take a break until he gets better, if he gets better. 

Please consider your future here. I assume that if you married you'd want children. Would you want your children treated this way?


----------



## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

You obviously like the guy a lot.

I'm not going to tell you not to marry him.

I am going to suggest you give it more time before you make that kind of commitment.

Giving this more time will allow the situation to more fully develop. No one's perfect, but take the time to make sure this is something you can live the rest of your life with.

The only person you can change is you.


----------



## EponaLynn (Jul 16, 2013)

Wildfire89 said:


> The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about. The being a jerk, well, he is human, and I'm sure I'm a jerk at times, too.
> Other than the lying he is great.


You're taking something HUGE that will effect every part of your life forever and trivializing it. If you're willing to defend someone who calls you stupid, you're really in for a rotten life with him - take everyone's advice and get away - run, don't walk and when you're ready find someone who's worthy of your affection.

He has a MAJOR character flaw and probably not one you can work through together.


----------



## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

Wildfire, you've been given great and factual advice. None of which you want to hear or consider. So, I will not give any advice, but simply tell you another fact you will disregard. You have set your bar of what you see that you deserve way too low, especially if you consider this guy such a prince. But, that is your choice. May God help you.


----------



## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

Wait until he is old enough to legally drink. LOL I am sure the lies will get even better.


----------



## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

As wise Cherie always says about training horses, but it applies to life in general.

*The worse behaviour you allow is the best behaviour you can expect.*


----------



## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Having just read your other post about being officially engaged and your honesty about your problems 

I would say that you need to learn how to love yourself before loving anyone else.

All advice has been to get away from this boy, but you will not. 
I am not a psychologist but I do have understanding and common sense. 

You do not think you are worthy of a decent man. One who will stand by you no matter what, one who will boost you up and not put you down. 

There are few men on this forum but two stand out in particular. Stan, who believes that his wife should be out clearing the sceptic tank and doing the fencing and Roady who super glues the toilet seat , amongst other things, both make fun of their spouses but, and this is important, it is obvious that they are in a partnership that works for all concerned. 
The dog incident might have caused them to berate their spouses but I cannot imagine that they would have said such mean things.

You think you need a 'man' to be like everyone else. Let me assure you that you do not! You need to be your own person, one that learns to realise that you are worthy of anything you want. Then, and only then will you be truly happy with someone who is worthy of the person you can become.


----------



## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression about my current marriage, but don't many women past 60, wonder what their life will be like if they are finally alone? Can they manage the water hauling, the propane tanks, ranch life out in the boonies as they age? He does most of the physical stuff, I do the mental stuff, manage the money & run the household. We have a working partnership & we both have our ways to de-pressurize-horses for me, & wheeled things for him. I would say he is the one w/the stronger love bond, but after 15 years we are certainly accustomed to each other & we seldom even argue. It does work for both of us,& we have a better marriage than many around us.


----------



## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

Cacowgirl
Better the devil you knw than the one you don't!


----------



## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

Cacowgirl said:


> I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression about my current marriage, but don't many women past 60, wonder what their life will be like if they are finally alone? Can they manage the water hauling, the propane tanks, ranch life out in the boonies as they age? He does most of the physical stuff, I do the mental stuff, manage the money & run the household. We have a working partnership & we both have our ways to de-pressurize-horses for me, & wheeled things for him. I would say he is the one w/the stronger love bond, but after 15 years we are certainly accustomed to each other & we seldom even argue. It does work for both of us,& we have a better marriage than many around us.


I am not past 60, but I spend my time waiting for Brad to get home. No I don't wonder how I would manage, unless it's in my nightmares and he has passed. 

My inlaws, are so connected it's kind of annoying, if my FIL has a bad day of equipment failure, then my MIL is a mess because of it. They've been married 45+ years. So short answer, is no.


----------



## JustDressageIt (Oct 4, 2007)

My fiancé said something the other day that stuck with me and is worth mentioning.
I was telling him about how I had tripped in a gopher home a week ago and chastised myself for bring at stupid and klutzy. He looked at me and said "klutzy, yes.. Stupid? No. Never. You're never stupid."
A good man will stick up for you no matter what, even against yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

JDI, that is how my husband is with me. I believe that is what a supportive partner does. If he tore me down, we simply would not be together. We are each others biggest supporters, especially when things go a bit askew!

You have a good man, and it's not hard to tell the difference. One certainly doesn't have to agonize over it, (or question it) that's certain.


----------



## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

OP - I really hope you choose a better path than the one you'll have with this dude. You've gotten good advice. 




Cacowgirl said:


> I'm sorry I gave the wrong impression about my current marriage, but don't many women past 60, wonder what their life will be like if they are finally alone? Can they manage the water hauling, the propane tanks, ranch life out in the boonies as they age? He does most of the physical stuff, I do the mental stuff, manage the money & run the household. We have a working partnership & we both have our ways to de-pressurize-horses for me, & wheeled things for him. I would say he is the one w/the stronger love bond, but after 15 years we are certainly accustomed to each other & we seldom even argue. It does work for both of us,& we have a better marriage than many around us.


I'm 56 with many widowed friends into their 70s and a few into their 80s. We all manage what you wonder about and more just fine. Few women can muscle through a job like a guy, so we get creative and find other ways to do what needs done.

I had a good marriage, but won't marry again.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Wildfire89 said:


> The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about. The being a jerk, well, he is human, and I'm sure I'm a jerk at times, too.


Just remember that WE teach others how to treat US. So, if you accept his lying, he'll learn that it's ok to lie, big, little, small, whopper, whatever. People will rise to our lowest expectations, so if that's the best you expect of him, that's what you'll get. You're also teaching him that you don't value yourself enough to insist on totally ethical and moral behavior.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

What Dreamcatcher just posted is very true.
You teach him what you will allow or not in the manner he interacts with you.
Accept one lie and he will think you will accept them all.
When you do not object to the first one the next one is bigger... and so on....and so on until the minnow he saw in the pond is now Moby ****.
I will stand by my comment I posted earlier. As a Psychologist with a PHD that has practiced for many years HE NEEDS THERAPY. IMPO I think he has an underlying mental disorder that causes this behavior.
You CANNOT make him better.
You CAN however choose to either live with a person whose very words you will always doubt as the truth or find someone who will not have to embellish the truth in order to feel adequate. 
That choice is yours.
It is your happiness that is at risk and only you have to suffer the consequences of your decision to stand by your man. Shalom


----------



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

you asked if you should confront him, or not. If you chose to confront him, be sure that you know exactly what you want from him, or from the confrontation. If it is only to vent your anger and to chide him , as he should have been chided and disciplined for lying by his parents long, long ago, then don't bother. you are not his parent, and chiding him will not likely make him change.

If you want to know WHY he lies, then ask him, but make sure it's about his explanation of why he lies, not about how you feel about it or you , once again,falling into the role of parenting him with scolding or threats. Maybe he can look at why he does this and make some changes overall, though I am a bit doubtful. Such as his need to agrandize himself. Maybe he does not realize he is doing this, and why, and that it only makes him appear smaller . But, he is young and has a lot of growing up yet to do. People can change, but until they see their problems as something of their own responsibility, then nothing can change at all.

If you want to confront him with how it effects you and makes you feel, then be very clear that this is about how YOU feel and what you will do to protect yourself. Which, most persons here (including me) believe is best that you just leave the planned marriage. If he makes promises to do better, then you can say, "when I see that you have really made changes, then I won't need to be apart, but you'll have to show me, not promise me, and until then, the marriage is off."

my point is , confronting him to just blow off steam will not change a thing. Thank about what outcome you want from it and stick to that path.


----------



## Muriel (Jul 22, 2013)

Wildfire89 said:


> I am engaged to the most amazing guy. I love him to pieces, flaws and all, and nothing will ever change that. When we first started dating, he started exaggerating when telling stories then it turned into stretching the truth, then out came totally absurd stories that I've called him out on a couple of times (like HE pulled over a cop and the cop was all "yes sir" and "no sir" to him...like I said, completely absurd) The past week I have found out 3 flat-out lies. The first one was he told me that the ring he proposed to me with was custom made by him and he had to go on a payment plan to afford it. I did research because I knew it wasn't true, and sure enough, the ring was $18. I don't care that I got an inexpensive ring, I really don't. I would rather him save money for our future then get me an expensive ring. What bothers me is the lie.
> The other lies was the story behind the car accident he got into the other night. He told a different story to my mom, myself, and his mom. Of course girls talk and we all had different versions of the story. I caught him when he was in the middle of lying to me about it but I didn't say I knew that my mom got a different version. The lies and the false stories are to the point where I feel silly when I with him in public and he is doing this because everyone knows they are not true.
> Onto the jerk part. The night of his car accident I had to take care of his dog. She is an outdoor dog and rather than have her tied out in the open where a coyote could get her, I thought I would tie her in the fenced in area that my goats are in. Well, she attacked the goats and when I was finally able to catch her I literally wanted to kill her. I felt horrible that something like that happened to my goats under my watch, but I thought I was doing something NICE for my fiancé and his dog. Well he blamed me and kept saying that it was stupid and was my fault, not his dog's. I know it was stupid. I didn't need him telling me that and also telling my mom that behind my back (once again girls talk).
> The part about him being a jerk is really out of character for him. He's only started being like this and snapping at me for the past month or so. Normally he is such a sweet guy and would do anything for me and he makes me feel so special.
> ...


Run, run like hell. He is not what you deserve or truly want.


----------



## LovesMyDunnBoy (Aug 11, 2011)

This sounds like a male version of my aunt. She works in health care with elderly people, and has a disabled foster daughter.

She said things like 'Oh (lets call the elderly man H) H's house is willed to me.' 'H's son bought me a laptop' My mother also worked for this man, the son hired them through a company, and she knew these things were lies. Then H had a stroke. We found that his meds that he was suppose to take 2x were only given once. Accident maybe, or maybe not. He flinched badly one day and my mother mentioned it to H's son, there was already suspicion. Bruises and marks where supposedly he had fallen, but again who know. She was a live in, and his son lives hours away. 

H's son speaks to H, and he says she's been verbally abusive and would grab him roughly when he wasn't moving fast enough. She threatened him with going back to the nursing home if he told.

Digging into it, they found multiple credit cards in H's name. As well as other things. Needless to say, she's gone.

She made her foster daughter sleep on the floor because 'she wets the bed, and it's easier to steam clean the floor' and not even on a blanket. On the carpet. She treated this girl like she had the ability to manipulate people and make them feel sorry for her. She has the mentality of a 2 year old at most, she can't speak, she's 13. I wouldn't be surprised if there's other things going on.

We've all known for years she's a compulsive liar, but always about small things. 

This is only the tip of the iceburg. People like this have a mental issue.

Run far, far away. If you need more convincing, PM me and I can tell you more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Roadyy (Feb 9, 2013)

Are they married yet? I hate the fact that the more good advice someone gets the more they go against it out of spite. 

The OP wanted to know whether or not to confront the fiance about all the lies or one in particular. We all jumped and started telling her to run because the depth of a compulsive liar at his stage is heading to danger for her.

There was advice given on the page before this about not wasting time to confront about it unless you have a goal to state to him. That is as good of advice as the rest of us has posted. Albeit I figure she has ran faster from this thread than she did to him for comfort from us big bad web monsters who told her too leave the love of her life. I hate to see the other relationships she has been in if this is a great one. I hope she is able to realize the problem with him before she becomes another statistic on the news or in a battered women house.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Roady I agree in part with your post.
I do think however one must be realistic in deciding what good any action will prove before starting.
Confronting the OP's fiance will probably do no good.
Unlike some other members I still believe we are not discussing a person with a character flaw. IMPO he has an underlying mental disorder that needs to be addressed with either therapy and/or medication.
We would never advise someone to break off an engagement to someone with a physical illness. 
Mental illnesses are as serious and treatable as a physical one. Shalom


----------



## demonwolfmoon (Oct 31, 2011)

The difference is that you have to admit you have a problem (assuming you aren't dangerous, clearly) for a Mental Illness to be treated, and for anything to CHANGE. 

If the OP can't even admit that the lying is a serious problem, do you think her boy can? 

I can't visualize the 20 year old guy in question not only admitting that he is lying, but admitting he has a PROBLEM and go get enough help to make a change. Sorry, just can't. Call me cynical. 

Roadyy, I hear you, I've done stupid things (like buying a car!) out of spite, and I wouldn't be entirely surprised if they eloped already.


----------



## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I agree with everyone else...

I understand what it's like to love someone who may not be entirely right for you, and to defend the things they do because of that love.

I'm not saying you need to back out right now (though it may not be a bad idea). Just... be cautious. Be aware of the things he is telling you. Small lies can easily evolve into large lies, which can evolve into cheating. No one wants to see that happen. Just think long and hard about what you want to do, and the consequences of those things, before acting.


----------



## AlexS (Aug 9, 2010)

She's been online, I believe she's just abandoned thread.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

dbarabians said:


> We would never advise someone to break off an engagement to someone with a physical illness.
> Mental illnesses are as serious and treatable as a physical one. Shalom


Spoken like a true professional! I, on the other hand, would advise her to move along if it was MS and not lying. Neither one offers much of a future and neither allows her to have fun. Remember Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"? That was me at her age and I totally recommend not letting any grass grow under her feet at this point.:lol:


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Dreamcatcher I never said I would advise her to stay with him.
If she were a client of mine I would ask her to evaluate the situation and understand the struggle and turmoil the future will hold as he accesses treatment or not.
If she doubted her ability to cope mentally with the demands placed on her and the strains on her relationship I would encourage her to move on.
I still think she should seek help it is very apparent she is co dependent .
Before she can confront, or ask him to change she needs to love herself enough to want a healthy relationship. One she deserves. Shalom


----------



## upnover (Jan 17, 2008)

Enough people have said "run" so I won't reiterate that... but my question to the OP is... why wouldn't you confront him? I'm a little blown away that he's constantly lied and you've never said anything to him. Communication is the foundation of all relationships. If there is no communication about these constant lies what is your relationship based on? what ARE you talking to him about? A strong relationship is not one that is without conflict. It's one that can work through conflict. If you have to get on a public forum to ask "My fiancee sure has been lying a lot, should I say something?" my thought is that, if you are serious about being with him, you two desperately need to get some serious relationship counseling to learn how to deal with his lying and to learn to talk about some really important things. I NEVER have to wonder if I need to talk to my husband about something. I just do it. Because I talk to him about EVERYTHING. And he doesn't cheat on me, not because "i told him I'd leave him if he did", but because he is 100% committed to me and our marriage and every bit of his dating/engaged behavior showed it. Your fiancee is on his best behavior now. I know you probably got your feelings hurt here but there was some real wisdom underneath the snark. Good luck.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

dbarabians said:


> Dreamcatcher I never said I would advise her to stay with him.
> If she were a client of mine I would ask her to evaluate the situation and understand the struggle and turmoil the future will hold as he accesses treatment or not.
> If she doubted her ability to cope mentally with the demands placed on her and the strains on her relationship I would encourage her to move on.
> I still think she should seek help it is very apparent she is co dependent .
> Before she can confront, or ask him to change she needs to love herself enough to want a healthy relationship. One she deserves. Shalom


I was kinda makin' a funny. I think in our society/country we're too serious about finding THE one and settling down at an early age and that we forget that we're supposed to be out there having fun and learning how to have a relationship. You, being a devoted pro, advocate delving into the issues and finding solutions. I, not at all a pro or even trying to seem like one, advocate, "Cut and run" the minute things are not wonderful and pleasant and as they should be. I want to say, go have fun, go party, don't think past the end of the evening or the end of the week. Try 'em out before you buy 'em and move 'em along if they don't APPEAR (never mind actually are) a good fit. That way, when she finds a good fit, she'll have 'tried on' enough to recognize it. :lol:


----------



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

The reason I haven't been replying is that I got a bit turned off by all cross-talk. You speak (type) one way when directly typing to me, but the cross-talk which I can still see tho not directed at me is rude, sarcastic, and makes me feel like you view me as a [email protected]$$ and If I stay with him I deserve a life of misery. 
Doesn't exactly make me want to reply. Also, I would not stay with someone just to spite a group of people who I have never met. Yes, I asked for advice about one thing. Nowhere in my post did I ask about whether or not we should break up. I would save those kinds of questions for friends in real life who know me, my life, and wouldn't take cheap shots at me if I didn't agree 100% with them. Just saying.


----------



## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

So you wanted people to throw rainbows, glitter, and butterflies at you and tell you he's a good man and the lying can be cured? Sorry, I don't deal in fantasies.

If you think this guy is the best relationship you've ever had, you need to get out more. You're supposedly only 24 y/o. There's a lot more world and men out there, so if you stay with this guy you're only hurting _yourself_.

You didn't like what people had to say, and got your feelings hurt. Well, he's going to do more than hurt your feelings if you stay with him. If you think that's 'mean', oh well.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Wildfire89 said:


> The reason I haven't been replying is that I got a bit turned off by all cross-talk. You speak (type) one way when directly typing to me, but the cross-talk which I can still see tho not directed at me is rude, sarcastic, and makes me feel like you view me as a [email protected]$$ and If I stay with him I deserve a life of misery.
> Doesn't exactly make me want to reply. Also, I would not stay with someone just to spite a group of people who I have never met. Yes, I asked for advice about one thing. Nowhere in my post did I ask about whether or not we should break up. I would save those kinds of questions for friends in real life who know me, my life, and wouldn't take cheap shots at me if I didn't agree 100% with them. Just saying.


No where did anyone state you deserve a life of misery. What I have seen people are concerned about you. Truly concerned.
Instead of focusing on the positive comments you have chosen to focus on the negative ones.
That is troubling to me. I have counseled hundreds of people in my career. People who suffer from numerous emotional and mental illnesses.
All their spouses that enabled them to continue their destructive behavior IMPO were as much in need of counseling as their spouse. More so. No normal well adjusted person would endure the embarrassment of continually having to apologize for a spouses behavior.
What about the reality of the situation is so hard to digest?
Avoiding this thread is one thing. Avoiding the problem is another altogether. You cannot avoid reality. Sooner or later you will deal with his compulsive behavior. From my experience counseling people like you this problem will only get worse and your life will be miserable. 
If as I suspect you only wanted people to sympathize with you, you came to the wrong place.
There are to many concerned and informed people to ignore the true problem. 
OP get help for yourself. Love yourself and place YOU as the most important person you know.
Until you do good luck. Shalom


----------



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

I was in therapy for 7 years. 

Why would I want sympathy over something that is embarrassing to admit--that I as a 24 year old don't know how to handle my 20 year old fiancé? I'm not here for sympathy. I asked because I wanted to know the best way to address the lying without hurting his feelings or being counter-productive. If I really wanted sympathy I wouldn't be defending him.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Then why are you defending him?
Wildfire I am not posting here for points. I want to warn you .
I dont think he has a character flaw. I dont think he is a bad person.
Nor do I think you are stupid.
You both feed off each others personalities.
I think you want a relationship and you have chosen a person like the other relationships before him. Where you place their needs before yours. All your relationships romantic and platonic.
I bet if you evaluated all of them you would notice a pattern. One that can be broken.
Once again my friend good luck. Shalom


----------



## katbalu (Sep 8, 2011)

I, personally, would be as worried about hurting his feelings as he is about hurting yours when he lies to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bellasmom (Jun 22, 2011)

There isn't a way to address his lying without hurting his feelings. IMO, hurting his feelings should be the least of your worries. A fiancé or husband should be a partner, not someone you need to "handle".


----------



## JoesMom (Jun 19, 2012)

How do you address his lying?
Head on, straight up confront him with it and tell him you will not deal with it anymore. Then you watch his reaction. Does he get sheepish and sorry or confrontational and belligerent. There is not an easy way to tell someone you know they are lying all the time and you want it to stop.

One of your phrases is rather telling to me when you said you don't know how to "handle" your 20 yr old boyfriend. Handling him is not an option as very few men will be handled. You should be working together with a mutual respect and trust in each other. If that is not there then you don't have the base to go forward from here. No amount of other wonderful attributes will take the place of those two things and he is not offering that to you.

Sorry for the blunt post, but I am Old and don't own a pair of kid gloves.


----------



## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Cacowgirl said:


> My advice-RUN from a liar! More bad stuff will come if you marry this guy. I'm not good at picking men, but I made sure to never have any children by them, as I knew they were not anybody I wanted in my life for the rest of it. Yes, I'm married-for 11 years now, but being around him is tough & I'm very good at keeping my mouth shut when his temper flares. I'm not sure which one of us will die first, but in my dreams I hope for a few peaceful years w/out him, but I'm eight years older, so who knows-my cancer could come back, or he could have a bad asthma attack. Life's a journey, & we all have our crosses to bear.


That's incredibly sad. You have only one life, I hope someday you will make the best of it.


----------



## LovesMyDunnBoy (Aug 11, 2011)

I hope you don't take 16 years to figure this out like my uncle did. 

I wish you luck, OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Northern (Mar 26, 2010)

I don't know if someone mentioned this, but a 20-yr-old male is too young to be engaged - like, 15 years too young, because they just don't have the maturity to be good husbands till then.

Also, males develop more slowly than females, so with his being 20 to your 24 PLUS his 20 being less mature than YOUR 20, the pairing is doomed.

Find a great 35 yr-old MAN.


----------



## Tobysthebesthorseever (Apr 12, 2013)

Okay, didn't read everything so sorry if we are past this part. 

Question: should I confront my fiance about lying/being a jerk?

Answer: duh.


----------



## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

Toby, you really SHOULD go back and read the rest of the thread. It's hardly 'duh' to confront him, and is such a flippant tween/teen to say.


----------



## Tobysthebesthorseever (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm sorry, but it seem like confronting him or running is the thing to do. I read most of it, but not all. I read enough to see that most everyone is saying "run". So talking seems to be what she should do. I apologize for how I said it, looking back that was very rude.


----------



## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

OP, I am aware of your feelings on all the comments.

However, you need to take a step back and realize that the people who are posting are out to help you, not bring you down. 

Everyone is pretty much singing off the same sheet here. There are people with many, many years experience in love and lack of. 

If you wanted a nice fluffy answer, then you should have perhaps worded your initial post differently. You may have been angry at the time, but as I said if you aren't coping with it now, how will you cope in the future?
I haven't seen a board explode so quickly with so many answers. IMO you should be thankful that people are taking their time and opening up about their own personal lives to try and stop you making the mistakes they have.


----------



## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

What's the point of confrontation? Just to vent her spleen and flounce off? That's useless. I know people want to 'have their say' when someone makes them angry, but with someone like this the best thing is just to cut off all communications. 

He may not be dangerous now, but I can guarantee he will be sooner than she thinks. This type of lying is a form of abuse and control, and once he can't control her verbally any longer he'll start in on the physical.

I've met my share of toads masquerading as men over the years, but at the first sign of abuse, mental or physical, I was always out of there. Spent too many wasted years trying to 'fix' one damaged man or another. Not willing to even try any longer, since we can only save ourselves and they have to _want_ to make themselves into better people.


----------



## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Wildfire, he definitely has a bunch of screws loose. What he is doing shows a definite lack of respect. Even if you realize you were a jerk for putting his dog in with the goat, he should have kept his mouth shut knowing you realized your error. It appears his whole personality suffers from feelings of inadequacy, thus the stories and putting your down. I can promise you that you can't fix this and neither can he.


----------



## Bagheera (Apr 23, 2013)

You asked for advice on how to confront him. I don't think you'll like my answer because it will be very telling about his personality. Confront him in the moment. As soon as the lie comes out or you figure out its a lie, you should call him out on it. For example, your engagement ring. As soon as you realized he was lying about it, you should have called him out on it. Something along the lines of, "So I was at the store the other day, and I saw an exact duplicate of the engagement ring you gave me on sale for $18. Is there any thing you'd like to tell me about the ring you gave me." Give him a chance to explain himself. If he attacks your character for calling him out on the lie, then you really need to consider where your relationship is headed. If he acts sheepish and apologizes, maybe claiming that he just wanted to impress you, there is a chance that you can work through his behaviors. You must be willing to call him out in a calm fashion, giving him a chance to explain, every single time. It doesn't matter if the lie is big or small, you need to question it. If you do not, you are only enabling this behaviour.


----------



## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

I am engaged to the most amazing guy. I love him to pieces, flaws and all, *Should I confront my fiancé about lying/being a jerk?* These two statements are in direct conflict with each other. It pretty much sums up the relationship.


----------



## KatieQ (Apr 4, 2011)

Sorry but I see a lot of people stepping in and responding here with very thoughtful, caring answers. If you are going to come on here asking advice from people who care you should at least respond, so we know you are still alive!


----------



## SEAmom (Jan 8, 2011)

Wow. I dated someone for a couple of years who was abusive in a similar way. It only got worse. The man I did marry would never, and I repeat, NEVER call me names (outside of a harmless joke). He would never call me stupid or insult my intelligence in any way. He also wouldn't lie to me. Those are two VERY huge things. The lies may seem harmless now, but there's no telling what he's lying about now that you haven't figured out yet. Let alone what he'll lie about in the future as he gets better at it. The fact that he's a terrible liar now is only a godsend and a favor to you. It's almost like divine providence or something that these two major flaws are being so blatantly presented to you before you marry him. Imagine what it'll be like in 10 years when you have children (or not) and he's staying out all night with "buddies" - only to have those "buddies" call the house looking for him. Imagine in 15 years when he's telling you how worthless you are and what a mistake it was to marry you, that he could've had any beautiful woman he wanted. Imagine in 25 years when he's having his midlife crisis, has zero respect for you, and runs off with another, much younger and prettier in his eyes, woman, leaving you with nothing but regrets and lost time. It may seem extreme, but you'll be surprised how often it's true.

I understand that it may be hard to see it now, but the advice you've been given is good advice. Don't ever settle for anything less than the best - that's not the best. You're better than that and you deserve more for yourself, especially if you two were to ever have children.


----------



## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Wildfire89 said:


> I was in therapy for 7 years.
> 
> Why would I want sympathy over something that is embarrassing to admit--that I as a 24 year old don't know how to handle my 20 year old fiancé? I'm not here for sympathy. I asked because I wanted to know the best way to address the lying without hurting his feelings or being counter-productive. If I really wanted sympathy I wouldn't be defending him.


He's not a naughty puppy or a spoiled pony. You shouldn't be looking at your SO and trying to figure out how to "handle" them.

The way you point out his age also makes it seem like he's a bad little boy that you're babysitting.

His problem is not something you can fix.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KatieQ (Apr 4, 2011)

Thank you Seamom, I wish I had said that. I went through a smiilar thing once with a guy, then had a child with him and realized how stupid I was- you can allow yourself to be abused but allowing a child to witness it is a totally different thing.


----------



## SEAmom (Jan 8, 2011)

It's so important to think outside of yourself if you (proverbial you) ever have children. The relationships that are built and svelte around a child help to dorm their expectations and behaviors as they grow. Being in a relationship with an abusive/manipulative man shows a son that it's okay to manipulate and belittle women, and shows a daughter that it's okay and expected for a man to treat you as less than a person. If it's a woman, a daughter grows up thinking it's okay to manipulate men for their own means and teaches a son that women are there for you to serve or else...

My hope is that nobody on here would really want to be that type of a role model. I know I married a man after whom I would be proud to have my daughter model her husband. I make sure to do my best to behave in a manner that I want my daughter to emulate as she becomes an adult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## demonwolfmoon (Oct 31, 2011)

I know a girl on FB whose hubby got taken away by the SWAT team once. This past year, he broke her finger and god knows what else.

She leaves him but then comes right back, posting lovey dovey crap on FB.
HE BROKE YOUR FINGER!!! HE WAS SO CRAZY THREATENING THE SWAT TEAM WAS CALLED! Do you want your son growing up to think thats ok, and your daughter taking it like you do? ARGH.

What people don't get when they are in "love" is that this crazy behavior starts somewhere and it escalates. 

At that point, I only feel sorry for the children. The adults chose their poison.


----------



## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

Just ignore his lying, and smile & hold his hand & stuff. There is a lid for every pot, enough said.


----------



## Marcie (Jul 25, 2013)

You can't confront someone about something like this without the person on the other end feeling attacked unfortunately. They will come back with asking, why did you check in the first place? Which leads to them blaming you. Sorry. 

But I do think you should say something. If he is mature he will apologize (without breaking down into tears and playing the poor me card) and work on never lying to you or your loved ones again. Or he might play it off and keep on doing it. That's really all that can happen with that one.

I'm sorry things are rough right now. It's up to you whether you think you deserve the truth or not and if it's possibly worth the price of the relationship as it will be up to you to decide you don't want that in your life if he doesn't want to change. Good luck to you


----------



## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

look up narcissistic personality disorder. and read as much as you can as fast as you can.

i just got out of a relationship IDENTICAL to what your talking about.

it ended with me packing my dogs and my horses and literally A box and a bag, and running. 

it gets worse than lying. its gets worse than dumb stories. get out while you can.


----------



## aubie (Aug 24, 2013)

Just my .02 worth/thoughts. 
You wouldn't buy a horse from this type person, much less a husband. 

I real man cant lie to anyone, much less the woman he loves because it bothers him to much.

Just a guess, but I'm betting there is more to the truck wreck.

About that truck, betting its newer with nice rims, stereo, etc. Real men drive beaters before the woman they love goes without. Nothing wrong with 18 dollar ring, in and of itself. But if money is going elswhere you have to question.

You mentioned therapy, will not pry, but maybe you need help. Not a thing wrong with that.
I honestly don't think anyone here thinks your dumb or anything like that. Just trying to help.


----------



## texasgal (Jul 25, 2008)

Why are you yelling at aubie??


----------



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

Things are getting better. I have been talking to his mom about it and she's been helping me address the lies. She said that the lying started when he was little. He never did it to hurt anyone, apparently his dad had an anger problem and so Troy would lie to not get in as much trouble. So there's that and she said he has self-esteem issues and never feels good enough so he lies to make himself look better and to be liked better.
I have been encouraging Troy and I've noticed less lying. When I have noticed inconsistencies I have asked him about them.
So I think we're on the right path.

Oh, and his truck is just a normal truck. 6 years old, Toyota tundra, normal tires/rims, normal stereo, etc. The truth about the accident was that it was his fault. He was trying to say that it was the other persons fault. 
He admitted to starting to lie about it once I confronted him.


----------



## amp23 (Jan 6, 2011)

Admitting you have a problem is the first step towards fixing it. I hope things continue improving and don't backtrack for your sake. Thanks for giving us the update!


----------



## JustDressageIt (Oct 4, 2007)

You have to build his ego up so he doesn't feel the need to lie to you?

I still say that you need to leave the guy in the dirt. I can picture this relationship in 5 years' time, and it isn't pretty. 

I'm not going to waste my fingers typing out a long response, it won't matter. You can't fix this dude. You aren't his mother, it isn't your job to hold his hand through learning not to lie "as much" - he's a grown man. You deserve better.


----------



## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

Wildfire89 said:


> Things are getting better. I have been talking to his mom about it and she's been helping me address the lies. She said that the lying started when he was little. He never did it to hurt anyone, apparently his dad had an anger problem and so Troy would lie to not get in as much trouble. So there's that and she said he has self-esteem issues and never feels good enough so he lies to make himself look better and to be liked better.
> I have been encouraging Troy and I've noticed less lying. When I have noticed inconsistencies I have asked him about them.
> So I think we're on the right path.
> 
> ...


Don't hate me for what I'm about to say but...

1) if his dad had that bad of an anger issue, that he intimidated his son to the point he felt he HAD to lie, he should have been going to anger management for it.

2) low self esteem is a complicated issue but the best time to fix it is in childhood when the brain is still developing/maturing did nobody build him up during this time? did nobody encourage him and complement him then?

and 3) keep at it, it'll be worth it but it'll likely be a long hard process, self esteem issues like I said before are complicated matters and once bad self esteem becomes ingrained it's hard to reverse but it CAN happen


----------



## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Okay, I am not trying to be poopy or anything, but I just have a hard time believing this story. I mean, seriously? If true, then, no...you can't fix it. If pathological lying doesn't bother you, it shouldn't be a problem.


----------



## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

I should probably add that the lying thing will probably never fully go away and that compulsive liars are NOT fun to be around I know one and she had burned so many bridges and destroyed so many friendships it's not even funny, one day she's going to find herself alone and have nobody but herself to blame. Sad thing is, aside from lying about every other thing she's actually a nice girl but she ruins her personality with her lies.


----------

