# Suicide loss



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Has many people dealt with losing a loved one to suicide?


----------



## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

I am sorry, if this has happened to you. I have no association with it though.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Yes, I have lost a couple of people close to me via suicide and used to deal with it in my job frequently.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Thank you Taffy, my brother has committed suicide, and i'm devastated. I've never really worried about the awareness of preventing it but now i'm very big into it. I'm wanting to see if others have dealt with this awful thing.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

It's a lot more common then i've notice, I feel like there is so much stigma around that its mostly kept quiet.


----------



## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

Oh my, your brother.
I cannot even imagine your pain, my heart is breaking for you and your family.


----------



## flytobecat (Mar 28, 2010)

I lost a close family member to suicide. All I can say is that it isn't your fault and there is nothing you could have done or said.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

It is definitely the worse pain my family has ever felt. I'm working on becoming an advocate for suicide prevention so I can help other families not feel the pain that my family has felt.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Flytobecat- Did you are any of your family feel guilt? That if you did something different then the loved would not of done it?


----------



## GamingGrrl (Jan 16, 2013)

I lost a very close friend to suicide. He hung himself on Christmas Eve a few years ago. It's hard. It's hard not to wonder what you could've done or said to change things, but that kind of thinking wont help anyone. You can't change the past and overall, that person is responsible for their actions. I think of him every day....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Have you noticed that there is "light at the end of the tunnel". Or will there always be an awful feeling inside of you?


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

HeroMyOttb said:


> Flytobecat- Did you are any of your family feel guilt? That if you did something different then the loved would not of done it?


First, let me say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. I echo the sentiment that there was nothing you could have done. Substance abuse SUCKS and makes people do things they would never do, if not impaired. I think everyone feels some degree of "What could I" or "If only I could have done X than I could have stopped him.". More often than not, it's simply not true. Those who are truly driven to suicide many times will not let on to anyone what they are planning. Especially in the case of the addicted, they have withdrawn and sometimes cut themselves off from their family/support system so thoroughly that the thought that the person might commit suicide has never crossed the family's minds. 

It's a huge tragedy and it's not uncommon. The worst part, IMO, is that the suicidal person's pain on earth is over but his loved one's pain has just begun. There is no good answer for the family/friends who have suffered such loss. 

The family member in my family who suicided never let on. Not even his therapist had an indication. He was bipolar but had been very well controlled on meds, was extremely intelligent, worked for one of the big genetics labs in the San Francisco area doing research and was in charge of an entire research team. The team never knew. His wife's first inclination that there was trouble was when the police showed up at the door. Since he commuted to work during the week and came home on weekends, no one knew that he'd had a crash in his moods. It was over and done with before anyone even knew there was a problem. 

Some professions are known for high suicide rates, cops/deputies commit suicide a lot. I've been in those funerals and most of them the reaction is stunned disbelief. Until the person who kills himself doesn't show up for work, no one knows a thing.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

My friend told me that the pain of the person who committed suicide never goes away, its just transferred to other people. Which i exactly like you said. And it's 100% true. My whole family is devastated. My father is very very bad. Which I have never in my life seen my father cry until this past month. My mom, my sister, and I are bad as well. Just so hard to lose someone you have known your entire life.

My 10 year old nephew found my brother in the outside screen porch. My nephew and grandparents said he was acting completely fine hours before the incident. Except he sent my mother a disturbing message saying how he was lost, and needs to be around good people. So other then that message, we really did not have a clue. My brother has been in some low points in his life but came back from them. He did not seem like he was in one of his low points.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

HeroMyOttb said:


> My friend told me that the pain of the person who committed suicide never goes away, its just transferred to other people. Which i exactly like you said. And it's 100% true. My whole family is devastated. My father is very very bad. Which I have never in my life seen my father cry until this past month. My mom, my sister, and I are bad as well. Just so hard to lose someone you have known your entire life.
> 
> My 10 year old nephew found my brother in the outside screen porch. My nephew and grandparents said he was acting completely fine hours before the incident. Except he sent my mother a disturbing message saying how he was lost, and needs to be around good people. So other then that message, we really did not have a clue. My brother has been in some low points in his life but came back from them. He did not seem like he was in one of his low points.


Oh dear. I am so sorry for your whole family. And a little extra for the 10 year old who had to find him. I hope you are all seeing a grief counselor, and if you're not, I highly recommend it. It won't make it all better or go away but will give you help with dealing with the pain, guilt, anger, angst and all the stuff that comes with this kind of death. 

It's very hard because you feel like there's so much unfinished business, like you're left holding the bag. You didn't get to say "I love you" or any of the things you feel you've needed to say. You all really need to support each other and talk to each other a lot right now. Don't shut down and withdraw from each other. Reach out to a preacher, a priest, a counselor, a best friend. Because after awhile, you will feel like you need to go on but if you shut down, then you won't be sure how to get started with life again. Right now, you're kind of just stuck in shock, disbelief and pain, but eventually that will start to let up and it will be time to move forward. You'll never forget your brother, but keep him in your heart and concentrate on the great times you've had with, not on this sad, sad ending.


----------



## bitinsane (Jun 5, 2013)

Well I do kinda.....but I was the one who committed suicide. Yes I have killed myself, but someone doesn't want me to go yet.


----------



## flytobecat (Mar 28, 2010)

My father committed suicide when I was a teenager. I didn't know at the time, but he had tried it before. He was an alcoholic and my parents were divorced.
At first I felt guilt as if I could have changed something. Then came anger because I felt he gave up. Eventually, I reached a point of understanding, but that was a long time coming. 
You mainly need to talk to someone about what you are feeling. Usually, your family is too close to the loss to do that. If you have a pastor, guidance counselor, or someone like that I would recommend speaking with them. I would also suggest family counseling.
Instead of focusing on what you could have done differently, try to focus on the good things. It won't always hurt this bad.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

My family actually is going to a suicide grief support group on monday to start us off. My sister did tell my nephews teacher what happen so the teacher can keep an eye on my nephew and see if she notices any changes. We are all watching him for sure since he is so young and its very traumatizing. If my brother was in his right mind he would of never of given my nephew the opportunity to find him.

As for the unfinished business it is so true. The last timeI saw my brother I was a little annoyed and was not in the mood for talking but he was happy and talking to my dad about his two jobs, then his girlfriend showed up and he went to leave very quickly and I was not able to say I love him or give him a hug which one of the few times that ever happened. My family is very big into showing affection. So that was very hard to deal with as well.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I feel like this is going to be a very long and hard journey for my family.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

HeroMyOttb said:


> I feel like this is going to be a very long and hard journey for my family.


It is. Be kind to one another, yourself and most of all, have patience even when you think you can't find anymore. Be patient with yourself most of all.


----------



## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

bitinsane said:


> Well I do kinda.....but I was the one who committed suicide. Yes I have killed myself, but someone doesn't want me to go yet.


mind explaining that wouldn't that be a suicide attempt since you survived it?


----------



## flytobecat (Mar 28, 2010)

I know it doesn't really help, but I really am sorry for you and your family. 
Like Dreams said, just don't shut down and bottle everything up. You and your family will get through this. It just takes time and you have each other.


----------



## Samstead (Dec 13, 2011)

as I've mentioned on the forum several times I have friends who have thought about, planned or even attempted suicide and I'm blessed and thankful none of them have actually taken their lives. I have no idea what I'd do if they did my friends are my life, it kills me that they can't see the positive in themselves, even if it's only sometimes. If this is how I feel knowing the thought of suicide has gone through their head, I can't imagine the pain if they actually went through with it.


----------



## bitinsane (Jun 5, 2013)

Samstead said:


> mind explaining that wouldn't that be a suicide attempt since you survived it?


No I actually died. Flat lined. Due to my mental illnesses I wasn't able to have a DNR put on myself so they did what was necessary to try to bring me back and, well, here I am! I'm not going to put my story out there on this thread because I don't think that'd be appropriate, but if anyone is curious or needs to talk I'm free to PM!


----------



## MsLady (Apr 18, 2013)

Hero, as you know my brother took his life 5 years ago. My heart still aches for him. Holidays will never be the same without him. My brother suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. His girlfriend at the time, who was an RN had convinced him he didn't need to take his Zoloft, it was just a "poison"!!! I am also a nurse and she gives nurses a bad name!! This is all I will say about her, because as I'm sure you can imagine I have nothing good to say about her!! 

I also lost a very close friend 9 years ago to carbon monoxide poisoning. He read his boys a bed time story, tucked them in, kissed his wife good night and told her he had some work to do. He went downstairs paid the bills, caught everything up to date, then went to the garage turned on the car and sat in it and feel asleep. He never woke up. 
He had called me numerous times months before and told me his wife ( my good friend) was very depressed and I needed to call her and check on her, of course I would and she would seem fine. He had me check on her at least 5 or 6 times in 2 months (they lived in Wisconsin and I lived in Missouri at the time). We would normally talk 1 or 2 times a month, our kids were small and we were busy. But we now know he was preparing for his suicide. He made made sure I was ready to care for her. He hid letters for her around the house, she didn't find all of them until she moved a few years later. We were all in the medical field, so he knew exactly what to say to keep everyone thinking he was OK, but he was honest in the letters. That was very hard for her. If he would have been honest before, maybe he would still be here.

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to share another story for you Hero.

I'm still here for you if you need anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Suicide is a very selfish act and the loved ones left behind are left wondering why, and what they could have done.
The answer to the first question is only your brother truly knows and the second is nothing.
going to counseling is great and a step in the right direction. It will not be easy and some things may be brought up that are uncomfortable.
your brothers anger is not yours or your families.
A word of caution children of a parent that has taken their own life are more likely to do the same.
may I suggest individual counseling for your nephew. He is vulnerable and will be for a while.
Good luck and keep talking about it and the affects his death has on your whole family.
Remember this also whatever turmoil he was dealing with is now over.
he is at peace. I hope your family finds peace as well. Shalom Donald


----------



## thetempest89 (Aug 18, 2013)

Just a few months, one of my very good friends. She's been their for me through a lot of things, she phoned me at work bawling. Her dad had hung himself from the basketball hoop in the backyard while the grandparents were taking a nap. The worst part of it was that it was her sisters birthday. He knew that it was the daughters birthday, and he still did it. I immediately started crying on the phone. There really isn't anything anybody can say to comfort anybody.

He had problem for years, I know he'd done drugs, had a bit of gambling debt. I thought things were getting better for him. He'd even started seeing a counselor. 

He drank a bottle of Robitussin before he did it.

I've pretty much gone through all of her thoughts with this, and I can just imagine all the thoughts, questions that go through your head. I lost my dad almost two years ago, it's hard enough losing a parent but from a suicide is just the worst of it all. 

It's not fair to anybody to have to deal with such a loss in a way. I just want to hug everybody who has to deal with this.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I feel as if suicide is an epidemic, that needs to be speak of and out of the darkness.
After reading the other members you have loss someone to suicide which I am sorry for all your guys loss as well. 

Therapy is a given for my family, as many of you said there is nothing we can change that would of made my brother change his mind. But I am still holding a lot of guilt, last night I was trying to go to bed but was having a serious panic attack while thinking of the few things I could of done differently. I have aniexty and depression as well and they have become worse which I would expect that. 

As for what MsLady said my brother did seem like he was preparing for suicide months before hand. He was making a lot of things right with the family but at the time it seemed like nice gestures. He asked a lot of odd questions but we didn't think anything of it. 

I don't want another person to go through this. It's awful.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP the emotions you are feeling are normal. The guilt you are dealing with will pass if you continue to discuss the death of your brother.
Yes suicide is far far too common.
You are taking the rights steps to heal. Your pain may never go away but you can lessen the pain and replace it with memories of your brother that are pleasant.
Good luck my friend. Shalom Donald


----------



## whalegirl (Jul 5, 2013)

my aunt when i was 4, i only remember leaving my dad at the airport for her funeral though. and one of my close friends right before i started college. that was tough. the anniversary was yesterday.


----------



## zookeeper1991 (Sep 11, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss. My brother tried to kill himself several years ago. He was in a bad marriage and has since been divorced and seems happier and like his old self. I still worry about him every day, though. It was not his first attempt but his wife did not bother to tell us the first time.


----------



## paintsrule (Aug 20, 2009)

My dad tried to, luckily he was sent to a hospital for awhile and mostly stays stable now.


----------



## BKLD (Aug 11, 2013)

Unfortunately, depression and anxiety runs in my family, and with that comes suicidal thoughts. My mom has attempted suicide many times, and has had suicidal thoughts often. My twin sister attempted suicide once. I myself have had suicidal thoughts, but I have never acted upon them. I always worry that one day one of us will feel bad enough that we won't be so rational as to stop ourselves before the damage is done :-(. 

I spoke to you earlier about this, but I'm terribly sorry for your loss. While I've had my own share of loss, it was due to physical illness mostly. Depression is another brand of illness, and I can tell you from my own depression that it's not something that anyone on the outside can control, and it's very, very difficult for people with depression to control themselves. Especially when you're at your lowest. Guilt is a normal part of the healing process. Just don't let it consume you, and realize that what's past is past, and there's nothing you could've done.

I forgot to add, I think it's admirable what you're trying to do to help those who are victims of suicide and those who are dealing with situations that would cause them to become suicidal. I myself am an advocate for those who deal with mental illness or substance abuse, and I'm very pro life.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

There are 5 stages in the grieving process, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
it may take a while to get to the last one but you will if you continue to work on the guilt and anger you are experiencing.
There is hope and there is acceptance to be found . Good luck. Shalom


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Thank you all.

BKLD- Please keep an eye on your family, I have also in the past had suicidal thoughts, but after seeing how it tore my family apart and cause us to be devastated that i'm trying my best to think other wise, and like you said be an advocate for suicide prevention, victims of suicide loss and substance abuse. I feel like its linked to be brother and therefor I have passion to help others with this problem, its also helping me heal.

I read this quote on suicide prevention. It said " I did choose this cause, it chose me. And now I have a passion and purpose I have never felt before." I feel like thats how i'm feeling.

Thank you all for your support, its nice to talk to people who understands it other then my family. Other people don't get it, I am looking forward to my suicide grief support group. Just to be around other people who have experience the same thing.


----------



## BKLD (Aug 11, 2013)

I have and will keep an eye on my family. We're all dealing with our own inner demons, but as long as we have each other for support and love, we'll get through it alright. 

I'm lucky that I've had such a supportive group of friends and family to keep me going. I just need to figure out what I can do to help those dealing with the same issues who are less fortunate.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

There is not only safety but power in numbers. Group therapy is one of the most effective tools my colleagues and I utilize in helping those we treat.
The process will not be without emotional pain but if you fully embrace the treatment you will be rewarded.
You will also meet some wonderful people who become members of your extended family. Shalom Donald


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I figure I will most likely make close friends at these meetings, like we have some kind of connection with going through the same thing.

I'm watching my family, since they say that there is higher risk of other to commit suicide if one has committed suicide in the family.


----------



## Fulford15 (Oct 17, 2012)

I am extremely sorry for your lose, my thoughts are with you and your family through this hard time. HUGS!

About a week after my class graduated from high school one of my best friends since elementary school commited suicide. 
It was extremely hard on our whole school, teachers, parents. Being from a small community, it was one of the toughest things I have dealt with and am still dealing with after 4 years.

Theres nothing I can change, he seemed like the happiest person and was always cheering other people up. A person can sure hide a lot from the surface. He was a person that the whole community knew very well.
Every year to remember him, we have an open group meet at the ocean waterfront in our town and release balloons into the air, have a nice pot luck, and good conversation.

Our community really came together and was extremely supportive of the family and close friends. Having meetings at the church, just having get togethers. Support groups are an amazing help to hard times. I am glad to go to support groups. It's nice to always know "your are not alone".


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I'm sorry for you loss as well. It just goes more to show that we don't ever know what's really going on inside someone. When they look so happy when in reality they aren't.


----------



## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

I am thankful to have never gone through losing someone to suicide yet, but I have many friends, including my best friend and a few girls from my school, who have suicidal tendencies. Thankfully my best friend came to me when she knew she was in danger, and I was able to get her help...she is now recovered for now and doing very well...but I know it could have just as easily gone terribly wrong and she could be gone.

My sister also has depressed and suicidal tendencies. My family and I didn't even realize it until she attempted to slit her wrists about a month ago and began talking out of her head about killing herself. I would have NEVER thought she would do that...she's the kid that faints when she sees a needle and cries if she bleeds a drop of blood. But she did.

It made me realize just how depressed and terribly mislead our generation (and others) is. But I honestly don't know how to prevent it. Those who I know that are suicidal aren't selfish, they're just overwrought with grief and don't know how to get out of the box they've enclosed themselves in. But they also can't just be talked out of it. I've tried.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

It does show how our generation is, my parents told me when they were younger that suicide was unheard of. But we do have more media that talks about it. I wonder why its getting worse and mental illnesses are in some many people now a days. Including myself.


----------



## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

IMO its because we're being taught to hide behind screens and to play emotional games. Its no longer 'right' or 'cool' to let people know how you really feel, and codependence is becoming a huge issue in our society. We feel like we're always misunderstood or being wronged because society tells us we are, and hopelessness is a very easy pit to fall into.

That's all speculation though...I really don't know.


----------



## BKLD (Aug 11, 2013)

You know, that's a good point. I hear all the time about the stigma attached to mental illness, so I don't usually tell people. But, so many times when I do tell others, they surprise me by saying that they deal with the same thing or have dealt with it in the past. I think, from hearing my mom's stories about my grandparents' mental issues, alcoholism, suicide attempts, etc, that things were just kept more quiet back then. Substance abuse and mental illness have been around, but I believe that there was a much greater stigma against the mentally ill back then.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

That is true as well.

There are a lot of people that still think mental illnesses are a "joke" and that people need to get over them, and there is no reason that a person should be unhappy. Like my mother talked to me about it and a while ago said its just life and you deal with it, when most of the people can't.

These problems are being better understood thou and need to continually be brought out of the darkness.


----------



## Critter sitter (Jun 2, 2012)

my husbands brother committed suicide. His sister is now a Life coach and is getting a Dr degree to help people deal with and heal from. It is still very fresh in my mind the day it happened and it was 10 years ago


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Mental Illness is misunderstood and is clouded by shame and guilt..
It can be life threatening and ongoing . it is however mostly treatable and with more understanding and education the general public will see it for what it truly is. A disease just like a physical illness. One in 4 adults will suffer from an mental illness that requires treatment at some point in their lives.
That is a lot of people more than will have cancer, heart disease, or numerous other life threatening illnesses. Shalom


----------



## Critter sitter (Jun 2, 2012)

What ever you do, do not blame others for what some one does to themselves. suicide is a choice and a very selfish one.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

It's a life changing incident, and has given me passion to help other people in some way, rather it be with substance abuse, mental illness, or suicide, I will find something to help with that is linked to my brother.


----------



## TheAQHAGirl (Aug 10, 2012)

I haven't gone through something like this, and hopefully never will. My friend's mother, however, committed suicide. It was so tragic, I didn't know what to think let alone I didn't know what my friend could think. 

I've always thought of suicide as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.


----------



## BigNickMontana (Aug 5, 2013)

There is no easy answer, there is nothing that will fix it. 

That pain will linger long after the deed was done. 

The best thing you can do is remember the good things about him, not linger on the way he died, the should have, could have would have's will tear you apart if you let them.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

At night time is the worse for me, thats when my mind starts rolling, it does tear me apart but I need to try to stop it. 

Last night we went to a car drag strip. It was rather emotional because my brother always went there and raced. It was one of the first times of doing a big outing and my mind did go back to thinking about my brother. Such a hard thing.


----------



## MsLady (Apr 18, 2013)

The first few months, night time was the worst. All I had were my thoughts and memories racing in my head. Sure my husband was there with me, but he couldn't help me. I would lay in bed and think if all the things everyone could have, should have, would have done differently. It got to where I dreaded going to bed. I knew this wasn't healthy so this is when I talked to my Dr about getting a sleeping pill. Those really work!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I'm so sorry for your loss... I've lost some friends to suicide, and even entertained the thought, myself. But, I agree... it's selfish.

Know that there are people who are happy to talk, should you ever need it.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

The pain just transfers to other people, right now iv'e been thinking.

Today I made a collage of my brother and I for my room at college. I'm thinking i'm going to do canvas art of his favorite quote so I can hang it on my wall.

I also made a personalized notebook where I can write letters to him, just to get things off my chest. So I will see how that goes.

Making these little things have seem to help me.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

HeroMyOttb said:


> At night time is the worse for me, thats when my mind starts rolling, it does tear me apart but I need to try to stop it.
> 
> Last night we went to a car drag strip. It was rather emotional because my brother always went there and raced. It was one of the first times of doing a big outing and my mind did go back to thinking about my brother. Such a hard thing.


I second seeing a Doctor and getting a sleeping aid, for the short term. If you can stay on a normal sleep cycle you will be less depressed yourself. 

Going to the races is a good thing, you can think of all the fun your brother had there and think how much he always enjoyed that. Think of your brother smiling and happy, and remember all the good, fun things you had with him.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

HeroMyOttb said:


> The pain just transfers to other people, right now iv'e been thinking.
> 
> Today I made a collage of my brother and I for my room at college. I'm thinking i'm going to do canvas art of his favorite quote so I can hang it on my wall.
> 
> ...


The collage and writing letters to him or even just sitting under a tree and telling him about your day, are all ways to keep your brother close. There's a lot of comfort in that. It's good to keep him close in your heart.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP do not allow yourself to focus on the way your brother died. He is more than the brother that committed suicide.
He is the brother that you loved and loved you.
What Dreamcatcher said about writing him a letter is a very good way to get those feelings out and not bottled up inside you. That is important in order to realize a sense of closure.
You may even want to bury the letter or burn it after reading it aloud to friends and family. Or put it in a drawer and add to it or read it from time to time. Like keeping a journal but as an ongoing conversation with your brother.
The reality is he is gone physically, not emotionally.
We do not stop loving those who have gone to the life here after. Love is too powerful to be erased completely. Shalom Donald


----------



## EvilHorseOfDoom (Jun 17, 2012)

***WARNING, THIS IS LIKELY TO BE HIGHLY TRIGGERING TO SENSITIVE PEOPLE***

For those who say it is selfish, can I just say that in the messed up mind of someone with depression or other mental illnesses (I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar) it often feels like the most unselfish act possible. I have attempted suicide numerous times, and been fortunate (yes!) to have been prevented. The time before last I was pulled down from my closet where I'd hung myself, I had sent no message and no one knew what I was about to do. The last thing I wanted was to be disturbed. But my partner and his cousin came in and found me - to this day I have no idea why they decided to check on me. Had I been left 2 or 3 more minutes I would have suffered partial brain death/damage from lack of oxygen. Another 7-10 and I would have been dead. I'd researched this very carefully because at the time I didn't want to be stopped. 

For me it was not about relieving my own emotional pain (that's what I self-harmed for). I had just been diagnosed and felt that I had no right to live in this world taking up space that could otherwise be taken up by "good" and "normal" people (please understand that my head was VERY messed up, and often still is). I felt like a burden on those who loved me, and that they would be better off without me in their lives. I checked my life insurance policy to make sure it covered suicide and that my partner was registered as the beneficiary. He is currently going through a lot of costly legal struggles and I saw this as one final act to help him, while removing myself as a burden from his life.

He was so traumatised from finding me. I never thought about what it'd be like to find me because I was too busy worrying about all the details like whether it would kill me quickly so I wouldn't be stopped, and whether he'd get a decent payout. But now, when I get in that way and start planning I think about ways that would let me go without any grisly discovery involved. Everything in my mind when I am in that terrible state is thinking about doing the best I can by everyone else. Now, sitting here and feeling somewhat sane for the moment, this seems crazy (and it is!). But at those times it seems like I am making the right decision for everyone involved. Mental illness is a terrible, horrible thing. My BPD is highly treatable through therapy and I am putting every effort toward recovering from that, but my bipolar can only really be kept in check by medication and I have reacted horribly (extended episodes of psychosis) to every mood stabilising medication I have been prescribed so far. Over the past few months, nearly every day has been a battle to survive. But I am determined to get through this. Convincing myself that I am not a waste of oxygen is a very difficult task, however.


----------



## mcfarawayland (Jun 19, 2013)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss... I really agree that counseling will help you through this in the long run. It is certainly uncomfortable and emotional in the beginning but eventually you will reach a point where talking about it will feel liberating. Finding the right counselor can be a process... Don't get frustrated - there are some crazies out there.  

I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling... It is great to see that you are channeling this into helping others and spreading awareness, and, ultimately saving lives. I do think that will end up helping YOU, too. Finding a way to channel your pain and sadness really will help you heal.

As for getting through the nights.. I totally understand how it gets worse when your mind is left to its own devices. Maybe try journaling every night (or typing on a computer), drawing, or listening to music while you fall asleep?

Keeping you in my thoughts tonight. PM me if you need anything or need to talk. xo


----------



## mcfarawayland (Jun 19, 2013)

After reading EvilHorse's post, wanted to add (apparently reached my 10 min time limit?): 
EvilHorseOfDoom - I truly give you the utmost respect for all you have been through/continue to.. That is not an easy fight you are going through. People do not realize that mental illness can be so much tougher of a battle than physical illness many times... And people like you somehow manage to keep it invisible! Really, how you manage to keep living a normal life on the outside while you are breaking down on the inside is beyond me and I commend you and others that fight similar battles. I do not understand why mental illness has such a stigma today.. I too had depression for a while and really felt like something was wrong with me/like I was different, and like I certainly couldn't openly talk about it. THAT is what I would like to see change.. Mental illness, to me, really is no different that physical illness (and can cause MORE pain!), so why must we tip-toe around it..? Okay.. done now. Going to bed.  (And I'm not at all discrediting people with moderate/severe physical illnesses either..)


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I saw how a lot of people are saying it is selfish, and at times I thought that wilt my brother but and I always struggle with depression and anxiety, Mental illnesses like EvilHorseofDoom mention and I have had similar thoughts as them. I have thought about suicide to the point I thought of my plan but not actually get everything ready. And it does not seem selfish because you do feel like a burden and that there is no reason to be alive wasting space.

I'm glad you were found EvilHorseOfDoom. Mental Illnesses need to be brought to the light. It is a disease like cancer. We are not crazy, or dramatic.

After my brother died I try my best to not think so thoughts anymore but it is hard since loosing my brother. I'm trying to be all about Suicide Prevention and awareness of mental illness. The stigma needs to get rid of.

I love having my journal to right to my brother, even if it's just a quote that reminds me of him. It makes me feel better. I made some art work for my room at college, with his favorite quote and a quote that I love.

Going back to college is going to be interesting.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Here's where the selfish part comes in. Re-read what you wrote, and it's all about I, me, my, thinking. 

For instance: 

I feel like a burden. 
I think the world would be better off without me. 
I'm a waste of air. 

That's how YOU (generic you for the suicide thinkers) feel but it is not how your family and friends feel and those who commit suicide are not thinking of the pain they will cause others, only that THEY feel worthless and are in pain. The person who commits suicide is only thinking of themselves and how this will end their troubles, not how much pain and suffering they're causing the living they are leaving behind.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

Dreamcatcher once again has spoken the truth.
Suicide will only end the problems of the person who takes their own life. It leaves behind families and friends of the deceased to pick up the pieces and sort through the pain, guilt, and shame they feel.
Not to mention any legal and financial matters that might have triggered the suicide.
If the above is not selfish I dont know what is. I have seen first hand the things family members have dealt with.
Now that is not saying the person is not ill. Just that taking your own life solves nothing but leaves others to try and find some resolution. Shalom


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

I see your guys point of view as well.

Just seems like a confusing topic.


----------



## Inga (Sep 11, 2012)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> Here's where the selfish part comes in. Re-read what you wrote, and it's all about I, me, my, thinking.
> 
> For instance:
> 
> ...


That is all true. That said, when someone is seriously thinking about or actually attempting to commit suicide, they are in such a dark place that they can't see that. It is sad how many of them hide that darkness until it is too late. 

I had a friend that killed herself just about a year ago. She did it on Easter morning and her whole family was sitting there waiting for her to show up for dinner. She had a 3 year old son, owned her own business and was the nicest person anyone has ever met. You just had to love her as she was so sweet and outgoing. Most always a smile BUT she had a darkness inside her and it won the fight. It was hard not to be angry with her for checking out like that but... I am happy for her that her pain is over. It is weird though, I had seen her just a few days before and she was so excited because she had just gotten a puppy and it was something she had wanted for a long time. I believe suicide is the result of an illness of sorts and the person has no more control over it then they would any other disease or disorder. It is just so very sad.

I work in a hospital, the other day we were commenting on how many suicides we were seeing. I wonder how much weather, barometric pressure etc... play in this as well. We had 6 in less then 2 weeks. A few more were successful. :-(


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP if you want to be an advocate for mental health and suicide prevention confusing topics will become the norm.
I applaud your desire to help others but remember one of the first definitions of depression ever published still rings true in a lot of cases and IMPO in most cases of suicide. Depression was defined as anger turned inward.
This topic is not an easy one but it is worthwhile.
Sharing your story is very brave. Good luck. Shalom


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

And that is so true dbarabains.

I feel like I need to decide what I believe in to an extent and support that idea at times?

More research and understanding needs to come other then my personal experiences.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

You have plenty of time to decide what you want to do. Get an education and keep an open mind and you will do fine. Shalom


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

That will be planned.

I'm somewhat relieved now. I found suicide support groups back at where I go to college and the leader of the groups seemed so nice, she even told me that if 
i ever need to talk I can just call her. I feel better the I found some people at my college that I can go and talk to.


----------



## dbarabians (May 21, 2011)

OP you are taking the right steps to heal and that is very important. Keep moving forward and find peace.
This subject is very emotional and you will want to walk away from therapy at certain times. Dont. when you want to never return or think of your brothers suicide again that is when you need to find support and continue therapy. Good luck. May the G-D of Abraham bless you and your family. Shalom Donald


----------



## Ace80908 (Apr 21, 2011)

My brother also committed suicide. He was the baby of the family, and he was beautiful. Tall, very handsome, very clever. He was ADORED by my parents. He never was required to take responsibility for his actions - given everything my sister and I had to work for (first car, insurance, etc). He grew older and never grew up. He would wreck his car, they'd get him a new one. Paid his insurance, paid his phone, bought him food and clothes. He bummed off my parents for fifteen years past high school, did drugs, grew dreadlocks in his hair, worked jobs until he didn't - eventually my parents got fed up and tried to kick him out. He told them he would be gone in the morning. They left for the weekend and he hung himself in my parents garage.

His girlfriend found him.

He was 36.

I am sorry to hear of your loss - I was very upset at my brother. Now, years later - I realize he was just completely lost and didn't know how to start over. It was just easier to opt out. Your pain will subside and you'll remember all the good times without it being tinged with other feelings.... best of luck to you.


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Thank you Ace, I'm sorry to hear about my your loss as well.

I will see how my life unravels. 

I talked to my counselor center at my school and they are very supportive and are willing to help me get involved in programs and help me create my own group at college.

So atleast i'm glad I have a large support system back at my college.

Megan


----------



## HeroMyOttb (Dec 28, 2009)

Just giving a quick update on this topic about me. It's been about 9 months since my brother passed from suicide. I gained 60 pounds in 4 months. And almost failed all my classes my first semester back at college. Some how I was able to get my grades up. Now currently i'm doing well in school. I'm graduating this may. I still obviously have problems with my brother's death. But I'm on the track of healing. I've lost 16 pounds, so I'm on the right track there. 

And becoming an advocate for both suicide prevention and organ donation. I have a lot events I go to for my brother but they are very emotional. Even though I slip in and out of depression I feel like i'm on the right track to healing.


----------



## starsnosigns (Sep 29, 2013)

I almost died in junior in highschool...not exactly suicide but I was so sad I lost all hope, and stopped caring for myself. I'm jewish and I went to a school with not a lot of jewish people. I lived in a bad neighbourhood, and my mother wouldn't find work. All these criminals started approaching me and saying nasty things to me. I was also sexually harassed online, and almost kidnapped. Eventually I couldn't eat anymore, and I became really ill. I almost died. I knew I was going to die, but I didn't do anything about it. I tried a little, but I coudln't go on anymore. I dont know if that's considered suicide. No doctor knew what was wrong with me or wanted to help me. Eventually one said I had thinning of the nerves or something like that, but that's not a diagnosis in north america. Basically I withered into death. It was sad.


----------

