# I hate being touched and it's causing my fiancé and I to argue..



## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

I am 24 and engaged to my best friend. We've been together 1 year and are completely in love. 
We get along well for the most part, but one thing we argue about is the fact that I hate being touched. Like I literally get mad when people touch me after I tell them not to. I'm this way with everyone except my animals. 
I get where he is coming from, us being engaged and I get mad whenever he tries to snuggle or excessive hugging or touching in general. But I don't feel like I should have to constantly tolerate something I don't like, to satisfy someone else. I hug him when he is upset and when we're saying hello/goodbye/goodnight. And whenever we do anything intimate it is after I've had a few drinks. That's really the only time I get snugly and affectionate. 
It probably sounds like I am not attracted to him. That's not the case. If I wasn't attracted to him I would not have said yes to his proposal.
I just hate when anyone touches me in any way, shape, or form. 
Is this something I just need to suck up and deal with? And just try and refrain from making "quit touching me" comments? I don't want to keep arguing with him over it if the general consensus is that I need to get over it...


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## amberly (Dec 16, 2012)

I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel about the situation. That might be one of the best things right now. Maybe he just doesn't know that you don't like being touched, which is why he does it?


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## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

amberly said:


> I would talk to him about it and let him know how you feel about the situation. That might be one of the best things right now. Maybe he just doesn't know that you don't like being touched, which is why he does it?


He does know. I'll ask him to stop and then he'll sigh and get all mopey/****ed off.


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## Britt (Apr 15, 2008)

In order for a relationship to work, both parties have got to give a little. I'm sort of like you... I'm not a very affectionate person (except for my animals) and my boyfriend is a very affectionate, snuggly, huggy type of person. We talk about our 'problems' (because we are polar opposites in just about every way) and both of us realized we needed to both give a little. Our first few months was very rocky... I'm the type who doesn't have to talk to someone every day to be happy and he likes to call and talk via phone, etc... We talked about it and both of us have had to work at things... I've had to work at being more affectionate and stuff and he's had to learn how to not be so overbearing with affection. I think we've finally hit a nice place in our relationship due to talking and giving a little.

That's all it takes... just talk it over and remember, both of you have to give a little in order for things to work out.


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## Shropshirerosie (Jan 24, 2012)

Hello Wildfire. 

I'm going to give my honest thoughts here. They are meant to be helpful, and to give you food for thought. I will not mind at all if you tell me if I am wrong.

One of the fundamental things about love, attraction, and desire - particularly in the early years (the wild romance years) is that a person has a physical desire to touch their partner, and be touched by them.

You've just told us that you only get intimate with him after you've had a few drinks. This makes me wonder whether you're in a relationship that you would rather was platonic, and you're just doing the physical stuff to keep him happy?

You can't "just get over it". That would be a lie to yourself and him. But I do think you need to be even more honest with him and yourself about what "it" is.

How do you cope in social situations where greeting hugs and kisses occur? 

When he touches you, you should feel warmed, supported, loved, or cared for. Do you? Or are you feeling negative thoughts? 

When I was suffering from severe Post Natal Depression I didn't want to be touched at all either. I'm most certainly not suggesting that you are suffering from Depression - but I am saying that having been there, I know what it's like, and I know now that it's not right.


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## Northernstar (Jul 23, 2011)

A few thoughts... try not to be intimate with him until after you're married - (the reward on your wedding night will be so worth it!) But for the_ here and now_ obvious issues, I would_ absolutely_ find an awesome counselor, go on a regular basis and *get this resolved before marrying him.* I can't forsee a healthy or lasting marriage if these issues are still there. Aside from intimacy, _embracing, holding hands, etc_. are the signals in a marriage that speak volumes to the other and provide an unspoken affirmation that they are loved and special.... Please do consider a good counselor, and the best of luck


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## TessaMay (Jul 26, 2013)

In general, what I'd say in answer to this post would be try to work it out together or find other people who suit you each better. I have been involved in relationships where some personal quirk, belief, etc. annoys the other person and makes them angry or mopey depending on their personality. If it's a little thing that only happens every once in a while, then it can usually be worked out easily, however, if it's something big like yours is, it has always been the best choice to end the relationship and find someone who suits me better. Always. 

In your case, I do think you might need something more than just finding a new SO. You have had a couple threads about different family and relationship problems lately and I think you need more help than people on the internet can give you. With the past that you have shared with people here on HF I would not be surprised if the problem with touching stems from deeper emotional issues. I would seriously encourage you to at least seek professional counseling and work on healing yourself before you marry someone. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

I don't know what to say because it's certainly a two sided thing. 

I can guess that this isn't a problem that that will just go away. 

It seems his relationship expectations are pretty normal. As much as you feel like you're having to do something you don't want to do, he's feeling the same thing, he's your fiance, he wants to touch you and be close to you. It's not fair that you should have to do something you don't like, but it's also not fair that he doesn't get something that is considered near essential in a close relationship. If you don't want to touch him that's okay, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or it's the wrong thing, but your relationship has to be right for both you. 

To be honest, as much as I don't know you or your situation, it sounds to me like a real problem. If either of you are unhappy with your relationship now, before you're married, then that's not good. Marriage isn't going to fix those problems, lots of people think it will but if anything it will make things harder. If either of you are stuck in a marriage you're not happy with it's easy to grow angry and bitter. 

I think you need to sit down and talk about your expectations. Be super honest about when you're going to be okay touching, hugging, being intimate, the frequency and what you're sort of "willing to agree to". Make it clear that this isn't going to change after marriage. Allow him to speak, allow him to share what his expectations are, what he thinks your relationship should be. Listen and understand and imagine how he feels too. See if you can find something where you're both happy, see if you can still make each other happy. 

I get it. I often feel like I don't want to be touched. I'm not in a relationship mainly because I don't want to be at this moment. I don't want to be close to someone. You just have to make sure you're on the same page and you're happy. If you're not, its not something you should ignore.


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## Wildfire89 (May 18, 2013)

I really want to stress that I am attracted to my fiancé. He is the love of my life, I enjoy being around him and we both are looking forward to marriage and a family. I would not be with him if I did not want to be. I love him with every fiber of my being and I would not want to be with anyone else. Which is why I do want to work it out so that we both are getting what we need. At this point we can't afford counseling. I am still under my parents' insurance (until I'm 25 or get married, whichever comes first) and they can't afford counseling.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

it's all that strange to not like being touched a lot. I feel similarly. I generally prefer a more limited touching, but that it be more meaningful.


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

I think lots of people do not like to be touched and I think as you get older you may mellow out on that a bit. I used to be ticklish and not like certain areas touched but when people that didn't try and grab me and tickle me I began to trust and became more comfortable and not so sensitive


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## SlideStop (Dec 28, 2011)

IMO, it sounds like you got into this pretty fast. A year is a good amount of time to get a feel for eachother, but gauging 360 days of a relationship for how it will be over a lifetime, idk. While you need someone who isn't as touchy feely maybe he need someone who IS touchy feely for his personal sake. The door goes both ways here. In my relationship I'm more of the standoff-ish person. I don't need my girlfriend all over me 24/7. On the other hand if my girlfriend could be sewn to me, she would. We have come to a pretty respective balance I'd say, and she knows if I ask her not to touch me she backs off. If she is in a snuggly mood I please her and cuddle with her. Typically I'm pretty indifferent to it though. 

Anyway, this could be a deal breaker for the both of you. You need to strike a balance or one person will be happy and the other will be miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PaintHorseMares (Apr 19, 2008)

I may be just an old romantic, but touching is a powerful form of communication, much more powerful than speaking, and without it, you are truly missing out.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm not that experienced with relationships, but I would think that touching is a natural thing. I mean, obviously, some people like touching or cuddling or whatever you want to call it more than others. But for you to not want to be touched at all...it sounds like there's maybe something under your surface that is making you feel this way.

I also wanted to ask: Do you enjoy being intimate at all? Is there a particular reason why you don't like to be touched at all? Bad experience, maybe? Or is there a particular feeling that you get?

I hate to say it, but intimacy seems to be a major component in any marriage. That and communication. I want you to be able to have this guy, and it's great that you're so in love with him and ready to be with him for the rest of your life. But I would maybe explore the reason that you don't like to be touched. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you by any means, but compromise is important and a little self-exploration may help you get to the bottom of this.

I hope this isn't coming off harsh or judgmental, because it's not meant to be that way. I'm just giving you the perspective I see.


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## Endiku (Dec 6, 2010)

I'm not really replying with any sort of useful information, I can just relate. So feel free to skip over my reply if you're just looking for advice.

Are you introverted by nature? It would appear to me that you are given that, like me (I am absolutely an introvert) you can go a few days without talking and still feel close to someone/happy. I'm introverted as well and I definitely fall into the 'less is better' category when any type of physical contact is concerned. Its strange. I'm not sure I'm as 'extreme' as you...if I am in a good mood I can and will tolerate my close friends touching me ( a pat on the shoulder, friendly bump, hand shake, quick hug) and occasionally with my best of friends (really only one person right now) I will initiate a hug. But just like you, I'd really prefer not to be hugged. My emotions range from frustrated to slightly angry...agitated I guess, or just uncomfortable. I feel like I'm out of my comfort zone when other people are very near to me (I'm incredibly aware of my and other peoples' personal bubbles) I think it is, as much as I don't want to admit it, a very possible reason that I stay single. I just do not touching. It annoys me if I'm tired or sad which you would think would be the opposite of a 'normal' reaction, and I view it with indifference in the best of times. 

For curiosities sake, do you like the IDEA of affection? I know that sounds odd, but its one quirk about myself that I just don't understand. I actually love the idea of affection. Cuddling, hugging, even platonic friendly things...I hold no objection to the idea of them. They actually sound great to me. But when it comes to the actual act of even hugging a friend, I just feel uncomfortable because I don't know how to react, and because I feel uncomfortable, I become agitated or frustrated which leads to anger. But then I am upset that I can not do something so normal. Which leads me to believe that perhaps it is something about my introversion and the fact that company drains me that causes my reaction...and possibly yours. If you feel 'at odds' when around other people at all, you're more likely to feel awkward, and in many people that feeling of awkwardness/uncertainty tends to draw out the emotion of anger. Thus making us believe that touch = anger, where in actuality it is our reaction of uncertainty to touching that is triggering the anger.

Does that sound believeable at all? I have no research to back it up, I'm just a teenager, but its my deduction from how I have always felt. I can't tell you why I (we?) feel uncomfortable with touch...I personally have no reason to honestly. My mom is very affectionate (actually I find most of my agitation aimed at her and I feel bad) and I've had a 'normal' life without any incidences of rape or violence that might make me shy away from touch. Its strange.


Anyways, like I said. I'm no help with your actual delimma re: your fiancé, but I can relate in a way. I agree though that I think this is probably a classic case of meet in the middle. Compromise is key.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Endiku, you bring in an excellent perspective. I tend to be more extroverted and love to be touched, cuddled, hugged...so it's not one that I considered because I didn't know if there were a lot of people that felt the same. All the people I know generally don't mind being touch, so there was no consideration to the fact that some people just plain don't like it! 

I did want to add, for the both of you, especially you Endiku, since you love the idea of it, that you may want to push yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit with it. You know, hug your mom, shake hands with someone, whatever lol. Maybe it's more an anxiety issue for whatever reason than actually hating to be touched. Just a thought, since I've experienced a dislike for things myself and have come to find out that it's more complex than just disliking it. By no means is it bad to be an introvert - in fact, it's pretty cool! - but maybe the dislike of touch is more of an anxiety thing than a personality thing? Again, just a thought of mine. 

I think we all must have those things that we think are normal and get upset because we cannot or do not want to do them. I get mad when I freeze up in negative social situations and respond by avoiding the situation, that I can't accept major change in my life and go crazy about it sometimes, and the fact that I don't want to move out - not because I want to be with my parents, but because it's "home" and the place that is most comforting when I am distressed.


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## Gypsybell (Sep 28, 2012)

So, the fact that you are only able to be intimate after having a couple drinks should be a HUGE red flag. You mention family, which I assume would mean children. What happens when you get pregnant? Look at the hubby and say "sorry, no more sex 'till next year". (9 months pregnant, 2 or 3 months recovery) 
There are some that have marriages without sex, but I would make sure that is really what you both are signing up for. 
What happens when you have a two year old that is constantly hanging on your leg? The unspoken rule of parenting seems to be that the most touch needy children will be born to those who would rather not snuggle. 
I would do some serious thinking, and see if you can't figure out why the touching bothers you. The fact that alcohol changes it, makes me wonder if it isn't something going on in your head. What happens if you reach out to touch him? Is it better if you are in charge of the contact? If you enjoy the physical contact with your animals, maybe it is more of a control issue? 
You don't need to be touchy feely with everyone, but for many people, physical contact (without sex) is an important and almost necessary part of life. There has been research done on babies, and if they are not held and cuddled, they do not thrive.
I understand, to a degree where you are coming from. I struggle to tolerate physical contact from strangers. I went through a spell where I didn't want to snuggle my kids, but didn't realize what I was doing until my husband called me on it. I will never see a chiropractor because I won't be able to let them touch me. 
When you reject your fiancé's touch, you are in some ways rejecting him, and denying him whether you mean to or not.
I would be very concerned about starting a life together until you get this resolved, I can see it only getting worse otherwise.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

I think if you are repulsed by his touch and need to drink to be able to be intimate that its well past time to see a therapist. Nothing wrong with not liking to be touched but if you're forcing yourself to be intimate...well there's something wrong going on.

My husband is not much of a touchy person but as long as I don't go nuts he's okay with cuddling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kitten_Val (Apr 25, 2007)

Excuse me, folks, but what I don't get at all is how in a world can you have sex with someone _without _touching? It's an important part of the relations, in particularly a significant part of _sexual _relations. 

And I agree with others, you either don't like him as a partner (which is nothing wrong about, and yes, I've been in this boat, you can like a person A LOT but the physical intimacy with that person doesn't attract you), or you need a therapist.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

kitten_Val said:


> Excuse me, folks, but what I don't get at all is how in a world can you have sex with someone _without _touching? It's an important part of the relations, in particularly a significant part of _sexual _relations.
> 
> And I agree with others, you either don't like him as a partner (which is nothing wrong about, and yes, I've been in this boat, you can like a person A LOT but the physical intimacy with that person doesn't attract you), or you need a therapist.


Thanks Kitten....I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to hurt any ones feelings, but my lord, I'm thinking you haven't found the right man.

There are certain obligations to keep a marriage happy, this is one of them.


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## Ninamebo (May 25, 2013)

I'm trying to get more of a sense of what you mean when you say that you get mad when someone touches you, OP. I am not one to jump straight to conclusions, and you already mentioned that this man is the love of your life, okay, that's always a good place to start, but what emotion exactly do you feel when someone touches you? Anger? Fear? Anxiety? A mix? Because all of these emotions could be indicators of different things and mean they take different measures of approach. 

I used to be very unaccustomed to touch, and that paired with being the shy child who's solution to problems was run and hide in my closet, I would get extremely frightened when someone would try to hug or hold me or my hand- I felt like I couldn't get away. At first I had no idea where the fear was stemming from, but with some time and talks with my best friends we figured it out.

Enter the boyfriend (most likely future fiancé). At this point I knew all about my own fears and explained this to him since day one. He has always been very understanding and compliant when I would tell him where I drew the line, but it was hard for both of us at first. Now, that part of me seems like a distant memory. But it took a good 2+ years to feel that way. Communication is key. 

You mentioned that he gets very mopey when you ask him to stop, have you talked with him about this? Have a good sit down and hash out everything. Maybe he has in the past said 'yes honey, I understand' but chances are (esp if he is still reacting to it) he hasn't told you everything on his mind. Relationships are give and take. Talk with him about it. Maybe write out a letter to get your thoughts straight.

Good luck with everything!


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

You are engaged to your best friend and don't want to be touched. This is telling me that you don't actually want a physical relationship at all. Is he OK with that? How are you going to have kids if you don't like to be touched? How are you going to nurture your children if you don't' like to be touched? Touching is a HUGE part of a relationship. I am not a touchy-feely type of person, and was raised in a family where hugging just didn't happen. Period. In my adulthood I learned just how important touching is and now make every effort to do my part in it. It doesn't mean I hug everyone or invite everyone to touch me. It does mean that when my son needs a hug, I am OK with sharing a hug. It does mean that when MDH and I seem to be worlds apart, I lean against him when we watch TV.

If you don't want your fiancé touching you, there is an issue that you need to deal with.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm not ok with people who can't just shake hands but feel the need to hug me. We all have our space and unless we are close to that person, entering it doesn't cut it. I can't hug someone who isn't a close relative. With relatives it will be when they arrive and when they leave if they've travelled long distance. When it comes to your fiancé, I agree about seeing a therapist. There may be some issues that go way back that you're not aware of. If you drink each time you have sex, you'll be a full blown alcoholic before the year is up.


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## JustDressageIt (Oct 4, 2007)

A year is a very short amount of time to get to know anyone, in my opinion. For the first year, you're in a honeymoon stage where everything is rainbows and butterflies. Nothing seems too big to overcome... If there is something that is such a big deal right now, it sounds like you guys need to have a BIG talk. 
Does he know that you do not want to be touched? Ever? 
It is your prerogative if you don't want to be touched. Some marriages are just about companionship, where sex rarely happens. But, I will be honest, they are not in the majority. 
Could you change and/or suck it up? Perhaps.. but to what end? Can you imagine 5 years down the road when maybe you have a newborn grating on your nerves and your husband just wants to cuddle? Or have sex? What will your reaction be? 
Unfortunately I can see 5 years down the road your hubby wanting to be physical and you being absolutely against it still, because that's your nature. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be physical, but it is NOT FAIR to your partner to set expectations that you may change over time. 
One of two things is highly likely to happen:
1) You do not change, your husband starts to resent that and harbors those feelings against you. 
2) You try to change and hate it, but you do it anyways to keep your hubby happy. You start to resent it, and start harboring those feelings against him. 
Either way, and I hate to say this, but it is a BIG DEAL and should NOT be ignored. Sex and intimacy is one of the leading factors for couples' unhappiness - and this is an extreme case. You having to be drunk to have sex is a HUGE DEAL. Huge. I cannot stress this enough. Sexual compatibility is a GIGANTIC deal in a relationship. 
You may love him with all your heart, yes, but you do have to remember that you are very young. What about the stress of kids or finances on top of this stress? 

I think you guys have a LOT of thinking and talking to do, and some major soul searching to do as well. 

I hate to say it, and it may hurt a lot to hear, but my gut feeling is that this is something that may not be fixable. If you two decide to stay together, please please please seek counselling before you get married. There are lots of free resources out there, you just have to be willing to spend the time to find them.


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

JDI - very good input there. Actually, I forgot about those marriages that are companionship based. I know people like that and they have been happy for decades! But, in those relationships BOTH partners don't want to touch. Not just one of them. That's the only way it works.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

JustDressageIt said:


> A year is a very short amount of time to get to know anyone, in my opinion. For the first year, you're in a honeymoon stage where everything is rainbows and butterflies. Nothing seems too big to overcome... If there is something that is such a big deal right now, it sounds like you guys need to have a BIG talk.
> Does he know that you do not want to be touched? Ever?
> It is your prerogative if you don't want to be touched. Some marriages are just about companionship, where sex rarely happens. But, I will be honest, they are not in the majority.
> Could you change and/or suck it up? Perhaps.. but to what end? Can you imagine 5 years down the road when maybe you have a newborn grating on your nerves and your husband just wants to cuddle? Or have sex? What will your reaction be?
> ...


Then there is always the #3 possibility- he finds someone who does like his touch.


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## Darrin (Jul 11, 2011)

A lot of insurances cover counseling these days so being on your parents insurance might not be the stumbling block you think it is. Definitely something you had better check into in.

Now on to the marriage advice. I can pretty much guarantee not liking to be touched is going to cause problems in marriage to your fiancé or any other man. He's going to resent that you don't want to be touched and you'll resent his resentment because he doesn't get you. That resentment will continue to build until it eventually causes a split up. Just biting the bullet and allowing yourself to be touched at will isn't going to solve the problem either as you'll end up resenting having to do that for him. The only real fix is to figure out why you hate people touching you so much and hopefully once you understand why, get over it.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm glad people have said something about sex and touching being very important in a marriage. I have Always believed this to be true. Unless the marriage is one of just companionship, no touching and no sex will not fly. It's not everything in a marriage, but I believe it is an important component. OP, have you been like this with past boyfriends where you don't want to be touched or just this guy? If it's just this guy, I don't think it is wise to marry him because you don't feel for him like a husband but like a very close friend. And that's okay. But if you can't stand to be touched at all by anyone I think therapy is a wise choice. Not everyone is touchy-feely but if you loathe all touch, that isn't normal I feel. Not trying to be blunt just want you to be able to resolve this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SammysMom (Jul 20, 2013)

I didn't read through all the responses, so I apologize if it's been addressed, but have you been through therapy about your issue? I think if it's an aversion to the physical sensation of being touched, it might be really hard for you to be with someone who needs touching, but if it's an emotional barrier (which it sounds like since you enjoy it when you're drunk), maybe you can work through it.


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## Clayton Taffy (May 24, 2011)

natisha said:


> Then there is always the #3 possibility- he finds someone who does like his touch.



I see this as the most likely possibility!


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## Jessabel (Mar 19, 2009)

JDI pretty much covered it.

I have to say though, how do you think it makes him feel that you have to be intoxicated in order to be intimate with him? I've never been a touchy-feely person either, but if my fiance couldn't touch me without booze, I'd be extremely hurt. That relationship wouldn't last long. 

Are you sure there's not some deeper problem going on? I'm not saying there's something "wrong" with you, but I agree with those who suggested getting help before you tie the knot. Good luck.


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## bkylem (Sep 21, 2013)

It all seems pretty simple to me as I read your posts.
I sincerely believe that you love him and that he is also your best friend.
I think it is great that you found him and I'm sure he is a wonderful (and fortunate) guy.
You can however love someone and want them to be in your life forever without feeling the need to marry them. It is not required to keep the two of you close.
The need to drink and be uninhibited is the most concerning thing you said in my opinion. I'm certain that it would crush you if the roles were reversed. You would be confused and hurt. Rightfully so.
I would just set the "marry" idea on the shelf for now and relax. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be touched, but it obviously does not make for a great relationship of love. A new marriage is hard enough even when all goes well, but to start one with such a unresolved issue does not bode well.
I think you already knew the responses you would get, but you wanted to confirm your own thoughts and that was a wise thing to do.

I wish you the very best.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

You might need to find someone who can help you delve deep into your past. When my mother delivered me she had a stroke that incapacitated her and she required nursing help. A woman offered to be my nanny. (I don't remember her). The first year of my life there was very little time with my mother. I have never been able to connect with people on a deeper level, that important bond.


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## horsecrazygirl (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm wondering if there is a specific reason you don't like being touched. But I agree with the others. You should see a therapist before getting married. It would do a lot of good in the long run. Touching is an important part of any relationship. I don't really like it either. I'm an introvert and live by "more is less". But in marriage or any romantic relationship, touching plays a huge part in it...it's another way of expressing feeling.

Good luck with whatever you decide.


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## GamingGrrl (Jan 16, 2013)

I would suggest therapy. You may have had abuse done to you as a child, and that's why you don't want to be touched now. 
Good luck on your relationship, I hope you get everything figured out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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