# To put it shortly: My health is a sucks.



## DrumRunner

So.. A few members know my of health problems and that I've struggled with it in the past. Now everything is starting to become a huge problem again..I just want to see if there is anyone else on the forum even experiencing a few of the things I am.. This may be long and a slight rant..Sorry!

I am 23 years old and I have Epilepsy, Autoimmune Urticaria, and a different assortment of issues as well.. 

I had Meningitis when I was 10..Which caused the Epilepsy, and then the Epilepsy just escalated from there. I have Chronic or Absence Seizures, basically, if you don't know what to look for and know me, you won't be able to tell I'm having a seizure unless they are really severe. I tighten up all of my muscles, can't breath, and lose control of my body. It usually lasts around a minute or so and then I come out of it and I'm back to normal. If the seizures are really severe I'll do it repeatedly..Normally one seizure every three minutes for a few hours or unless I go to the ER and they drug me to get them to stop..Which is never fun..My seizures are also nocturnal, they are only triggered while I'm asleep. Why? We're not sure..I've looked into have seizure surgery and have been through many tests for the surgery but at my last appointment in Augusta with the neurosurgeon we found out that the "area" in my brain my seizures trigger in is closely tied in with vision, hearing, fine motor skills, speech..So surgery is a no go for now. It's too much of a risk..So yeah..stuck with seizures..They will only get worse with age, and my medicine dosages will only increase as my body becomes immune to the medication..

The autoimmune disorder has developed in the last year, two dermatologists and an allergist have determined that I brought it on myself because I stay so stressed out and try to do too much and more than my body can handle..Go figure..Basically, my body produces too many white blood cells and when I get stressed my body thinks that it's getting sick or being "attacked" so I just burst out in welts and having an allergic reaction. Big itchy spots, swelling, throat swelling..Fun stuff..Insert sarcasm there.. Anyway, between the stress from the seizures, which I've been having recent problems with from stress, I keep having these allergic reactions..daily, usually three or four times..Whenever I start having an allergic reaction I have to eat Benadryl like Skittles and take a hot shower to get the hives to go away..Still continues to happen..

I'm also a very unhealthy person when it comes to my eating habits.. I eat horrible.. I'm 5'3", 97lbs and cannot keep weight on for anything..laugh, I'm a hard keeper..Even though I eat all day..I am so stressed now that I have to force myself to eat. My body thinks it would be fine to eat once or twice a day and my mind disagrees..

Before I get to the end of my story (Yesterday's adventure) I should tell you that the past month has been the month from HELL..I had a pretty normal life a month ago..horses, family, boyfriend, friends, work, college..Then the bottom fell out and left me on my head.. My mom got thrown in jail because she's an idiot, I had to move to SC to help my aunt with my little sister because my aunt got custody of Sister when mom was in jail..Sister is having a really hard time with it and other problems..She's a very depressed and non active 13 year old.. Aunt is stressed, Sister is stressed..and I'm the strong one..Who listens to it all and takes care of everyone.. Now, my WHOLE life is in GA..All I have here from my "life" is Chloe.. I had to leave my horses and everything at my dad's..THEN Boyfriend of 6 years and I split up because I start getting bitchy towards him and taking things out on him and I know I shouldn't..We still talk every few days but it's not the same.. We are slowly trying to piece back together our relationship after I tore it to pieces.... So here I have zero people to talk to except a few friends on the phone, Facebook, or my few buddies on the forum.. That said..Because of everything turning me upside down lately I am a COMPLETE and total train wreck of emotions, stress, and anxiety..I'm upset because I had to leave my life there, I had to give up barrel racing and the last half of the season, I had to give up being Overall Champion in my association, give up State Championships for the year..Just everything.. I can't even SEE my horses, let alone ride.. and this was MY year, I had everything going for me.. Now..I'm just angry all of the time.. 

Then yesterday happens.. I wake up at around 4a.m. having seizures, I took my medicine and they finally stopped around an hour later..Wake up again around 8 feeling horrible, just very sickly feeling..get up to go take a shower and realize I'm having an allergic reaction because I was stressed about the seizures..Go turn the shower on and walk back in my room to get clothes while the water is getting hot and BAM.. to the floor I go.. Dizzy, hot, cold, sweating, crying, lose my vision, scared to death of something..Just a mess..I had NO clue what happened.. It's a few minutes later I can finally see again and come to my senses..I still have no clue what happened..I'm covered in sweat and feel sick..I didn't even take a shower..I just went back to my room and called my aunt..She came and got me and we went to the ER..I am talking to the doctor and he just looks at me like I'm a basket case of issues and then announces that I've had a panic attack.. Never had one of those before.. New Issue for Amber!! He then insists I start an antianxiety medicine.. Seriously dude? Do you NOT realize how much medicine I am ALREADY taking...I don't want ANY new medicine that I have to take.. Aunt freaks out, insists I start the medicine and then she and the doctor get together and start talking about me like I'm a science project.. I end up with a new prescription for the anti anxiety medicine AND Xanax.. Xanax?! I don't WANT or NEED Xanax!

So as of right now I'm taking more medicine than I am food..and it freaking SUCKS.. I feel like crap all day because of all of the medicine and my body STILL isn't acting right.. Seizures, autoimmune disorder, and now panic attacks.. What else is going to pile on???

Right now these are the medicines I'm on

for Seizures
Lamictal 200mg 2X a day
Keppra 1500mg 2X a day
Folic Acid once a day

Autoimmune disorder
Allegra once a day
Zyrtec once a day
Benadryl like Skittles..Usually around 6 a day.
Pepcid 2X a day.. To "clear the acid" from my stomach so the allergy meds work better
I have to carry an EpiPen with me everywhere.
and let me tell you..Benadryl Children's non-itch cooling gel for allergic reaction itchy welts is the BEST stuff EVER.. 

Paxil once a day for anxiety issues..
Xanax on hand for emergencies..Yeah right..NOT taking that mess AT ALL.

Vitamic C once a day
Women's One a Day vitamin

I am my own CVS.. and it sucks.. My life was definitely less stressful when I could ride..

/End rant

Now, if you've read all the way to the end, thank you..You don't have to comment or anything..I just needed to get that out..


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## Skyseternalangel

*really really long big amazing warm hug*

I read it, and wow. I feel your stress, and I'm not even there. It's thick and suffocating. I know how it feels to be without your horse (s).. it's terrible. You have no way of venting and giving yourself relief and so you're stuck in this smog of crappy feeling.

I wish I could help, that is a lot of pills. I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. I don't think your relationship fell apart because of you. I'm being bold in saying that but honey.. look at what you're experiencing. Yes it's hard for people to understand and it may get really heated at times but you need support. Maybe he's not strong enough as a person to be a good support right now, he might need some time or more experience under his belt. We all have our problems that I know. 

But hey, you've got the entire horse forum behind you. We're all here to help, it may seem like nothing because we aren't there physically giving you hugs and cheering you on.. but girl we're screaming from the rafters here, helping you through this.

You're going through a really rough spot right now. It's going to get harder, but you've got to find a way to pull yourself up back on your feet and face this crap head on with all you've got. 

You need to find relief, somehow. Maybe see if you can start going to a kickboxing class or a dance class or some little community group for whatever, just so you can .. really take a BREAK from this all. 

I hear you on the eating, except I have the opposite problem. I'm forgetting to eat and getting very sick because of it. You eat and eat and eat but don't gain. Maybe try to plan your meals ahead so they are more balanced. Surround yourself with good foods, avoid bad foods. It sounds stupid but that little change alone will help.

Maybe make some shakes with all sorts of good protein powder and fruit and vitamins inside. It's a small meal with a huge punch. Worth looking into 

Again, so many hugs. You're so stressed and I wish you the best of luck to get some of that stress under control.

Hang in there, fight back


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## calicokatt

Big, BIG, *BIG* hugs! That just sounds horrible! Here's hoping that you've hit bottom and are going to be heading up again soon!


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## Breella

<3 I know about the life of medical problems, and family problems. I know how much it sucks. Panic attacks suck, but can be managed. Have you thought of taking up meditation? I know it might sound odd but it might also be a great help to you. Stress is a horrible thing and IMO the root cause of a lot of emotional problems that turn into physical ones.

I'm not saying it'll cure everything, or even anything-- but it can't hurt to try.


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## DrumRunner

Thank you all..I really needed to just get it out there. It's just smothering to keep it all to myself and not have anything to get it out.. It's 2:52 a.m. here and I'm not even close to being tired..My body just isn't working properly..




Skyseternalangel said:


> I hear you on the eating, except I have the opposite problem. I'm forgetting to eat and getting very sick because of it. You eat and eat and eat but don't gain. Maybe try to plan your meals ahead so they are more balanced. Surround yourself with good foods, avoid bad foods. It sounds stupid but that little change alone will help.


I think my biggest problem is that I do eat many times a day but it's just little things, more of a snack really than a meal.. I'll fix myself something to eat, eat maybe half of it and feel sick so I can't eat anymore. I try to keep granola bars or other things in my purse so I can eat throughout the day but it's just not cutting it. I can't even eat a big meal of my favorite things..



Breella said:


> <3 I know about the life of medical problems, and family problems. I know how much it sucks. Panic attacks suck, but can be managed. Have you thought of taking up meditation? I know it might sound odd but it might also be a great help to you. Stress is a horrible thing and IMO the root cause of a lot of emotional problems that turn into physical ones.
> 
> I'm not saying it'll cure everything, or even anything-- but it can't hurt to try.


I've tried meditation once but I just couldn't shut everything else out..It almost made it worse because I just had so much on my mind that just kept coming back up..It's better if I constantly stay busy and just surround myself with things to do so I'm not sitting still and having to think about everything else.


I've started running more here..I would run a little at home and go to the gym once or twice a week to burn off stress but running has been a nice little escape here..


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## Skyseternalangel

Maybe you're deficient in something, because that also affects appetite and how you generally feel and perform. 

Or you could be overdoing a vitamin or mineral in your body, which also may affect your appetite and how you feel and perform.

The only way to get answers on that is to get tested, which doesn't sound like fun :/ but it would solve some of the mystery.

Or maybe it's due to all the medication :/ 

I would consider the shakes, they aren't over-filling and they taste good enough to guzzle down or sip.


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## DrumRunner

I'll definitely try the shakes.. A friend said I should start drinking Ensure once a day or so..


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## Breella

Also fresh juice! Buy a juicer and make your own at home. Macro-nutrients are good for you.


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## kitten_Val

I have no advices on how to handle your conditions and riding, but I want to say I'm very sorry for you! I have some issues that came up in last couple years, and there is nothing worse than dealing with something that affects your life. Just be strong and don't give up riding! Hugs!


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## texasgal

You are TOO YOUNG to be dealing with all that.. not just the medical issues, but the family issues/stresses (which contribute to the medical issues)..

Geeez .. I'm glad you have a safe place to rant. 

*hugs*


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## busysmurf

Sorry to hear all that Sweety HUGS!!

If it makes you feel any better at all, I'm a walking pharmacy & occaisional research project as well, so you're not alone.

P.S. I personally had good luck w/ paxil during really stressful times, and it wasn't as habit forming as the lamictal. And when your brain doesn't want to shut of.....Yahtzee or Spider solitaire. Seriously, it works, lol


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## eclipseranch

I wish I had the answers to make it all go away, but unfortunately I don't. However, sky is right..you have the forum people here who can listen & empathize with you! Going through tough times of any kind can hit hard but when it piles up like an avalanche its devastating. Your strength is there & you will get through this..all of it 1 day at a time! Horses are huge stress reducers...is there a barn near where you are that does therapeutic stuff for kids or a rescue...they always need volunteers. I know its not your horse (that I'm sure you miss terribly) but it would get you around horses & perhaps ease some of the stress.


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## BarrelracingArabian

I understand the eating thing i have chronic migraine and even with my medicine i can not eat full meals. I snack throughout the day and there are times i go all day without being able to willingly eat something, which makes for worse migraines. Im sorry to hear your having such a rough time though that does not sound good at all :/ i hope things start to settle for you soon! !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinyliny

This sounds like way too much for a young person to bear. I wonder if your Aunt's having you there to help with your sister is helping or harming you. I mean, it does give you something other than the difficulties to focus on. Sometimes when we are most troubled with our own issues, having someone else to HELP , helps us. But, you , too, need someone to "mother" you. Guess you'll have to settle for some old mother hens on the forum.

Don't be too quick to assume that the Xanax and Paxil won't be good for you. it might be that by reducing the anxiety, the other symptoms (with the skin problems) will reduce, thus meaning less medication on that front. Depression runs in my family and I have felt antidepressants work. It seemed that they made me feel less "urgent" about my problems, which is helpful when there is nothing one can do about problems, so stressing over them is of no benefit.

I hope things take a turn for the better. You know the old expression, "This, too, shall pass." It's true for the good, and true for the bad.
Hugs,
Caroline


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## Lockwood

Hugs Hugs Hugs!! :hug: :hug:
Your first responsibility is to you. 
I know that may sound harsh, but if you are a medical mess, how can you possibly help anyone else?
I know it is hard to put yourself first and not your family, but honey all this stress is not helping you. You are not responsible for the things that are wrong with your family. ( I know, I have some family issues and it took many years to realize that they were not my fault.)

I can’t help but to think a second opinion from a more nutritionally or internal based doctor might be helpful, although with the moving/new living situation that may not be possible. 
I know I have certainly argued with some neurologists about my son’s health, as not every “specialist” see things in the same way.

I agree with Skye about the shakes too. Maybe the meds are really affecting your body’s ability to absorb what you do eat and with the stress you are probably not making the best nutritional choices. I used to live in SC and am not sure what area you are located, but perhaps it is time for a trip to a good health food store. Some of the larger cities have some good ones along with a little bit more progressive thinking.
If you can, spend some time browsing the isles for a good all-round shake/supplement to give you the goodies your body is missing. I mean many of us make sure our horses get all the best nutrition they can down to the micro and macro minerals, but tend to forget about ourselves.

I’m not a vegan or anything, but some new studies have come out about some of the medical issues my son has, and how they are discovering the deep cellular level and the connection of nutrition, or lack of.
This has led me to actually start making my own green powders out of my organic spinach and veggies to make sure the nutritional boosts he needs (more so than other kids) is there for him. 

Having gone on the journey that I have with my son and seeing first hand the affect of nutrition, it really can make a difference. Most modern foods are so deficient of the things our bodies need anymore it is like walking a food minefield when you have health issues.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble….
More hugs… I really wish I could do something to help and I’m sorry you can’t spend time with your horses. If you are the type that outdoor hikes or time spent in nature helps to restore your soul, I can tell you about some nice places to visit and go walking, depending on with part of SC you are in.


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## livestoride

Sorry you are going through all of this. Have you thought about finding a therapist to talk to? Not that you have psychiologic issues or anything, but they are trained to listen and it seems like you really need that right now. 

Also, find a barn to help out in. It won't be the same as riding your own horse, but horses are amazing therapists and finding a rescue who depends on you showing up and loving them and helping them can do amazing things. 

Good luck and keep your spirits up.


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## Lockwood

When my son was three (and still not talking, along with many developmental, GI, and autoimmune problems) one of the many doctors we were seeing thought an appointment with a nutritionist would be a good idea. So we did… a peds nutritionist out of an acclaimed children’s hospital, that we were at weekly for years.

She took the full history and all the meds he was on at the time and all the allergies he had and found this for him:

　









　
Although it is hard to read, it is a juice type box with so many of the amino acids, proteins, and goodies he can’t get, make, or absorb from food or a diet. 
It made a huge difference! This, plus removing foods that were known trouble foods for kids like him had him talking within 2 weeks and calmed many of his other medical reactions. 

He still drinks three “juices” a day. When we run out (it’s an RX that needs a script for and is heavily controlled by insurance) it affects him quite a bit.

Can’t remember if you have ever mentioned working with a medical nutritionist, but maybe one (or someone similar) can sort out your meds, foods and what your body needs.

I also agree that talking with a therapist could be helpful too. When my son was at the height of his medical problems and I was so stressed I couldn’t function, it was helpful to talk to a neutral source.


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## DrumRunner

Thank you all for reading all of that and understanding..I'm definitely open to trying anything now that could possibly work..Thanks for all of the hugs! They are much appreciated. 

I think I just get so defensive with doctors and things because I'm just like "Oh great, what else is wrong with me?" and try to brush it off without really considering all of it...Bad habit of mine, I always assume I can fix whatever it is..I don't need any help..I've been that way my whole life.

I have to go to the store later and I' going to pick up somethings for shakes and stuff.. Also pick up the Ensure and try those..We'll see how this goes!


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## mnhorselover

Hello - You are definitely way too young for the health problems you have and it does STINK! I can relate though because I've had medical issues since I was 25 years old. My problems were different, diagnosed with advanced endometriosis which resulted in many abdominal surgeries. This was after years and years of severe back and leg pain with no answers. Anyway, I know how you feel because you're sick of being sick, your family gets sick of you being sick and on and on and on! I'm now almost 58 and fortunately, have a wonderful husband. I still have medical issues, now multiple ones , but I guess what I'm wanting to say to you is don't just rely on your regular doctors who can get lost in the scheme of things. It's very easy to tell someone they've had a panic attack! Spare me! Check out something like MAYO CLINIC in Rochester, Mn. I know there are others (no names come to me offhand) but these places specialize in diagnosing and addressing the entire medical problem. Not just bits and pieces. I hope you have health insurance because that is another major stressor when you are sick, and you sure don't need any more stress. If you ever want to play cards in the early a.m., just let me know because I'm often still up at 2 a.m. also! Hang in there and good luck to you. If you don't know the Serenity Prayer, check it out. It has helped me through the worst of times! Hugs to you!


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## dressagebelle

BIG hugs to you. We are all definitely behind you. I agree that maybe going to someone else, and finding out if there's a "common denominator" with all your symptoms (one big issue causing all the small issues which are what's being diagnosed), and maybe if you find that or if there is one big issue, taking care of or controlling that will help the smaller issues maybe without so much medication. 

Most of our foods today are over processed, and lack the nutrition we really need. I have a friend who started something called Skinny Weighs (you can find it online), and she has lots of vegan, gluten free, raw (vegetable wise), foods, that are packed with the nutrition your body needs. Maybe something like that will help. Its such a catch 22, you have these problems which make you stressed as well as other life things in general, and then because you are stressed it makes your problems worse. 

I think that maybe taking up meditation, or yoga, or something like that may help with the stress a bit, and obviously a good support base of friends, family ect. We are all here for you on HF, so please feel free to make posts, vent, ask questions ect. Have you looked into maybe volunteering at a local horse rescue, or find a barn where you can even just groom the horses, and get some one on one time with a horse or two or three. I know that horses have always kept me grounded, and kept me from completely losing it when things have gotten rough. 

Again BIG hugs, and I hope that things start looking up soon, and you can find some great coping mechanisms that help you through things.


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## Annanoel

Drum, I don't have a lot of time to respond. I am at work, but I do understand where you're coming from. I am your age and in a lot of ways we are the same! I do give BIG HUGS and more HUGS. I know it can be so tough, and I at times let it eat me up too. I know you're strong and you can pull through this! Have you ever thought of checking out local barns or rescues in the area? Maybe you can see / ride the horses and get a dose to help you! It will not be the same as your horses, nothing can really ever compare in my opinion but it might make you feel better! Just that horsey smell, being around them and getting back in the saddle and taking your mind off everything else. YOU come first, so do what makes you feel better and what you feel is right. I think horses are your next best medicine besides your actual medicine.  I wish I had time to write more, but feel free to message me anytime!

**Sorry didn't see someone else suggest the horse therapy, again very busy here at work but reallllyy wanted to respond. But I really do think that would help. I also know you're taking a TON of medicine right now, I know how that goes too! I would give time for the new medicine to work and if you feel it's too much or not working just talk to your doctor and see what options you have.


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## Saddlebag

I think it's time to go back home and hang with your horses. That in itself can be healing. You don't need to hold everyone else up, let them do it, you need to look after yourself.


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## DrumRunner

Thanks.. Every thing just seems to be piling on top of each other..

I'm just sitting and trying to eat now, definitely going to go to the store tomorrow and get stuff for the shakes, and try to find a few things that would be better for me to eat than just the snacking I am doing now. 

I'm thinking of going home for a few days this upcoming week and I'll probably just ride a lot and think about this whole deal..I may end up making up my mind to just stay home and work on myself there. Who knows..


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## mnhorselover

*Rider wellness*

DrumRunner - I sure do hope you're feeling better. I know comfort food doesn't cure anything but it sure helps the moment. Do you like ice cream? Why don't you treat yourself to a big bowl of it tonight before going to bed.
Tomorrow's another day and you need to do what's best for you - even if that means going back home to take care of yourself! You probably already know what everyone is telling you here - you just need to act on it. If I could, I'd send you a whole bunch of the extra pounds that I have - health issues sometimes do the opposite for people. It is what it is and just like weather, there are some things we can't change. We just need to learn how to deal with them. My mom used to tell me to "count my blessings" - I didn't then but I sure do now! I wish you the best of luck! 

***********************
Life is short - enjoy the trail!


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## DrumRunner

I agree.. I definitely count my blessings.. I may be in a not so great situation now but I have a lot to be thankful for.. Ice cream would be fantastic but I don't think we have any! That will have to go on my list of things I need to get tomorrow at the store..Thank you for words.. I appreciate all of them!


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## Eagle Child

Hey, Drumrunner. A little insomnia here, and just saw and read your thread. I want you to know I'm praying for you and sending hugs. I'll be one of those Mama bears here on the forum, ok? :hug: 

I know about the bottom falling out. By grace, I'm still kicking.

I pray you get to go home, ride your horses, and take some deep breaths next week. I pray that you find answers for healing up your body. Praying for your sister, too. 

*******((((hugs))))*******


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## DrumRunner

Thank you, prayers are MUCH appreciated and you can definitely be one of the Mama Bears..

I get to go HOME tomorrow! Just for a few days but I'm surprising my dad for Father's day..I work tonight and get off late but I'm going to try to make it in time for church in the morning and see him.. Stepmom and I have been plotting..


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## Endiku

I'm so sorry love <3 many hugs and prayers sent your way.

I had a big old story typed out and HF ate it, so I'm going to be short now and suggest that you take Lockwoods suggestion to try getting a perscription for those juices. Each one has the equivalent of one meal in it, although you shouldnt JUST drink one. Try drinking two or so a day, as well as your normal meals and a granola bar or two. Another thing to try is Boost shakes, which can be bought with extra calcium or vitamin D in them. I drank both of these when I dropped down to 75 pounds due to my gallbladder failing and rerouting all of the bile that was supposed to be in my intestines up into my stomach and throat- eating at the tissues there. They taste good and are good for you. Lots of fruits and nuts are a good idea as well. The nice thing about fruits is that they feel light but if you eat them right and pick good ones, they're good for you and can give you a lot of energy.

Hang in there, and I really do think that you sound like you need some you time, so this trip will be good for you. One person cannot carry the burdens of a multitude, after all. <3 I'll be thinking of you!


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## mnhorselover

Hello DrumRunner - How are ya feeling today? Happy to see you are going home at least for a short time. I think that will be good for you. I'd like your real first name so I can put you on our prayer list at church. I figure when prayers are needed, we can use all the help we can get!! If you don't want to give it out, that's ok. Don't forget about the ice cream treat! There is also something to be said about comfort food too!! 
Have a great time with your Dad! Bye...

***********************

Life is short - enjoy the trail!


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## CLaPorte432

Oh Amber! :-(

I'm so so so sorry for everything that your going through. Please PM me or email me ([email protected]) anytime that you need to!!!

Have you ever tried yoga or some type of relaxation therapy?

You know what you need? Dim lights, lots of lavender candles, a sexy hot guy, a massage table and relaxing oils. :lol: It fixes EVERYTHING. ;-)


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## littrella

Just to add my 2 Cents, I know how painful the aftermath of panic attacks can be. Try a chiropractor. Mine can do wonders for me with tight painful musels. Neck adjustments even help with my seasonal allergies.


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## tempest

Hey Drum, first I'll start out by offering you a large hug because it sounds like you need it badly. Second, while I can't say I understand how you feel, because I don't and can only imagine what it feels like, I would like to offer you a phrase that a friend of mine said. I don't know where she got it or if she made it up, but it has helped me a few times.

"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is all you have."

That being said, I'll offer you another hug and a suggestion. Someone already mentioned it earlier on page one I believe, but you say that meditation doesn't work for you because thoughts keep popping into your head? Try something that doesn't require thinking such as kickboxing, boxing, karate, tai-quan-do, etc. It sounds as though I'm a lot like you in how I think. I have trouble just sitting down and relaxing because I'm constantly thinking that's why I rarely sit down. I love sports and activities that involve no thought at all or very little, such as basketball, boxing, track, and horses. It's based off of instinct and your gut.

Also try a nutrtionist, I know that a person's diet affects them in more ways than most people believe, and it really could help relieve some of your symptoms. Also have you tried a journal? I know writing down your thoughts can and does help you emotionally and mentally.

And yes, please remember that we (the forum members) are here if you ever need us to listen.


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## MHFoundation Quarters

:hug: That's a lot for one person to have to deal with. Wish there was something to say to make it better. 

I ate dirt today, wish it was on video...that would surely have made you laugh at least :lol:


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## Lockwood

MHFoundation Quarters said:


> I ate dirt today, wish it was on video...that would surely have made you laugh at least :lol:


... woulda made me laugh! LOL


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## Jewelsb

Just wanted to say you sound like an amazing girl and you should be proud of being able to deal with all this day to day. Your really strong. I think the last thing you should do is depleat your body of the one good nutritional aspect your getting daily though ( your vitamins). If you don't eat well or healthy then you most defiantly do need these. If I were as sick as you I'd focus on eating well as your body heals from the inside out. We all eat like sh*t and are brought up eating this way and it really reeks havoc on our health. I've been juicing for months now getting the proper nutrition and most of my bad health has actually just about vanished. I also have (had) the same autoimmune disease as you but I haven't had any outbreaks since I started to take care of my health and end eating all this crud. Anyway I'm not saying it will magically help all of your issues but I will say that it would most definatly help LOTS!
Goodluck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner

Thanks everyone! Today was a really good day..I made it home in time to go to church with my family for father's day which made my dad really happy, he had no idea I was even coming home.

Then after church I came home and spent some time with each of my horses before saddling Lark and riding to my grandparent's house which is about 3 miles away...We took our time and poked a long our favorite trails in the shade, made it to my Nana's and I unsaddled and let Lark graze around the pond there while I sat on the porch with grandparents and talked for a few hours..Then I saddles back up and rode home, gave Lark a bath and fed everyone..Changed clothes and then went to Stepmom's parent's house for dinner.. Now home and just glad to be able to have a break from SC and going to ride again tomorrow!

No allergic reactions today at all.. No feeling anxious all day, no panic attacks.. Now I just have a sore butt and legs. Note to self: After not sitting in a saddle for 6 weeks it's not smart to get on and feel as thought you should long trot 2ish miles..in shorts.. Not a very good idea.


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## mnhorselover

Drumrunner - So glad you had a great day! Seems likes that has been long overdue. I can just imagine too how happy your dad must have been that you made it home for fathers day! What a great gift!! Then, you being able to ride was the icing on the cake and seems like it was great therapy for you....just what you needed. Follow your heart dear and your higher power - they will show you the way! 

Hope you have a great nights sleep full of wonderful dreams!


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## DrumRunner

MHFoundation Quarters said:


> :hug: That's a lot for one person to have to deal with. Wish there was something to say to make it better.
> 
> I ate dirt today, wish it was on video...that would surely have made you laugh at least :lol:



I know, and thanks..You've already been there for me a lot and I appreciate it! Your FB message earlier today was perfect timing..

lol Hopefully it wasn't the filly? Or knothead..



mnhorselover said:


> Drumrunner - So glad you had a great day! Seems likes that has been long overdue. I can just imagine too how happy your dad must have been that you made it home for fathers day! What a great gift!! Then, you being able to ride was the icing on the cake and seems like it was great therapy for you....just what you needed. Follow your heart dear and your higher power - they will show you the way!
> 
> Hope you have a great nights sleep full of wonderful dreams!


Thank you, he was very glad to see me..He was a greeter at the door this morning and I walked in and he just started laughing and hugged me.. I walked in to sit down and saw two of my sisters sitting together and the one I'm closest to saw me out of the corner of her eye and then had to look again then screamed and ran over to me, started crying and then made me cry.. People were staring like we were crazy people..We went to Lane Packing to pick up peaches before heading to Stepmom's parent's and Holly and I were goofing around and ended up like this..This kid is my best friend.. There's 7 years between us but everyone thinks we're twins.


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## DrumRunner

Well, sad to leave today but now I'm back in SC.. I already miss home and can't sleep. I did bring my bow with me for another stress release. It helps, I'm also going to try to teach sister to shoot. Maybe she'll pick it up and give her a new hobby besides the video games and dying her hair different each week.. who knows?


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## faye

DrumRunner.
Do you have a specialist in the area that deals only with medication and interactions.
That is a shed load of drugs you are on and the possibilities for drug interactions making some of your symptoms worse is large.

Over here you can be refered to a drug specialist who will go through all your medications and the interactions and will suggest alternatives with less interactions or different drugs that may cut down the amount you are taking.

I know it is hard to do but Please take time to yourself, you do not have to be the strong one all the time!

I would say that you should go back to your dads as often as posssible and when you go out riding do NOT think about the situation.
I have been in a similar situation when my mum was admitted to hospital with massive internal bleeding, she nearly died and was in a coma for a few weeks. My dad fell to bits and I had to be the strong one and look after my dad and my 2 younger siblings. It is OK to ask for help!!

Can I ask why your dad didnt get custody of your younger sister? 

Lots of hugs from the UK and If you need to talk you are more then welcome to PM me.


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## DrumRunner

Sorry, just getting around to this thread..Nothing really new to report.

I ended up in the hospital day before yesterday due to an severe allergic reaction. My face, throat, and tongue started to swell really bad and I was having problems breathing. They basically said the same thing as the other doctor and that I was really dehydrated.. They gave me fluids, steroids, allergy shots, something for swelling, and then a week of steroids that I have to take with food everyday. Bad day..My face still isn't completely back to normal swelling wise, I looked like I got hit by a car..Lots of pain when the swelling started to go down. Still not sleeping well at all.. 

Faye, my sister and I don't share the same dad.. My dad got custody of me when I was 14 because of similar problems that my mom was going through then as well.. Brooke's father is in jail for drugs and also has a history of violence..He tried to kill my mom in front of me twice, once beating her and the second time trying to run her over with his truck. I was 10? Maybe? He's never had any contact with Brooke in her entire life.. He's in prison until 2016 now for tying his girlfriend to a chair when he was high, accused her of stealing from him, and then making his other two children watch while he beat her unconscious with a hammer...But, that's a whole different chapter of life I've tried to forget about. 

That's basically how my childhood played out, mom had physically abusive boyfriends, I had to watch it, then keep a little book bag packed in my closet and I knew if my mom came in my room at night we would have to climb out of the window and sneak out.. This wasn't a strange thing to me growing up..This started at like 7 or so.. Story of my life..

I haven't seen a local specialist here yet, I have two at home that I'm probably going to be seeing shortly, I've talked with my doctor about seeing someone here but we haven't made any decisions yet. Right now I'm just trying to stay chill and relax, tired of worrying about everything else.

Sorry to gush..Just have a lot on my mind today.


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## faye

feel free to gush all you want! we will listen (ok, well read realy).

I do wish i could come over and take some of the weight from your shoulders, or at least give you a giant hug and a shoulder to cry on.. 

If you can I'd go see that specialist as soon as possible. it may be possible that part of the problem is drug interactions and whilst it may not make the situation better, getting things improved will make you more able to cope (and hopefully stop the panic attacks).

Have you spoken with your father about the whole situation and what it is doing to you? I know you probably don't want to worry him but he is your father and it does sound like he WILL help you in anyway he can.

Failing that is there anyway you can move a horse up to where you and your sister are? Just taking an hour a day toyourself, to relax and ride will do wonders for your stress levels.

lots and lots of hugs. remember you are free to pm me at anytime. i'm online most of the day (even at work)


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## DrumRunner

I've looked into bringing one of my horses here but the cheapest board I can find is just semi-board, it's not close, and it's $800something a month now. I would love to bring Lark or Nikki here but it's just not possible right now.

I know that my dad would do anything for me, he is starting to think I need to move back home. I just have a lot to think about, drama isn't just here, it's also at home.. It's not an easy choice.


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## MHFoundation Quarters

Did they figure out what caused the allergic reaction? That's scary, you've already got more going on than anyone should have to deal with. 

Glad to see you venting a bit, holding it back will only let it fester. I'm here if you need an outlet to unload on. Big hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner

Thanks Mandy..No, they can't figure out what caused the allergic reaction. They took blood work and everything but nothing weird..or even weirder than usual for me..

The biggest thing was just telling me again that I needed to drink and eat more..Especially with starting the steroids this week.


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## MHFoundation Quarters

I know it's tough with everything going on but try to put yourself & your health first. Easier said than done, I know. 

You might try making milk shakes with ensure. My sister is a string bean and has trouble keeping weight on, she drinks a lot of ensure and protein shakes & smoothies with whole milk and fruit.


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## DrumRunner

I've been trying to eat and drink a lot more today and yesterday, I just feel sick as mess whenever I try to eat more than a few bites.. So I end up fixing something and take a few bites and I'm full..then I'll go back a little while later and try to eat more then..


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## MHFoundation Quarters

As long as you're eating, who cares how much it is. Nothing wrong with being a grazer and picking all day. Just try to pack in the calories in your small portions. Look at how well that works for Hickory & Woodstock :wink:


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## DrumRunner

lol I WISH it was as easy as putting weight on those two. I'm better at making a horse fat than I am myself!


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## DrumRunner

The past days haven't been that bad, no really bad reactions or seizures..Brooke has started seeing a psychologist but she's almost just going into herself..She's started sleeping a lot and doesn't want to really do anything. I'm having to drag her out of the house to go do anything.. Not sure how to handle it, I don't want to start a fight with her about it but she's got to get motivated to start doing things..Who knows

She loves taking pictures so I played model the other day and we went to the beach taking a ton of pictures. She seemed to enjoy that and really liked uploading and playing with the pictures on my laptop. I posted some of them on my Facebook and she's really proud of them. I've brought up to my aunt about Brooke maybe taking a few photography classes, she hasn't really said anything else about it though.

My partner in crime, Holly, is coming up this week sometime and spending a few days with us. I'm looking forward to seeing her crazy little self.. I miss that kid.. 

I've talked to Chris (ex) a few times just checking in on each other, it's a little depressing because I realized how much I do miss him but right now it's just not the right time to try to work out things between us and work on our relationship. Craziness! 

Fourth of July is coming up and for the first time in years I have no plans. It's a little pathetic..Every year we have a huge party with friends and just everything..Not this year.. Ugh.. Why does life have to interfere with my plans so much? I'm supposed to be over all champion, in a serious relationship, and just having a normal life..

I just needed to vent again.. Meh..

Anyway! A few of Brooke's pictures that's she's so proud of.
The album if you're interested..or extremely bored..
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.471173399578773.92393269.100000583509746&type=3

































This was FREEZING...I mean it took commitment, My dress was flapping everywhere and I was SO self conscious about my butt possibly showing!


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## CLaPorte432

Your sister has talent! Wow. You need to work off of that. If thats what she loves, thats where the key is for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner

She really does..I wish we could get her a camera and a few lessons.

Well, went out last night..I met some of my friends from home in Savannah, Georgia and we went out to eat then walked around between bars for different drinks..It was fun and I really needed it. I got in bed around 5 this morning then slept until 2 or so..I'm going home in a little bit for 3 or 4 days to see family and friends again. I'm bringing Holly back to Hilton Head with me for a week or so when I come back. So I get to ride and see the kids, hopefully take a lot of pictures.. Oh well..Not much of an update..I feel crappy today and it's not from seizures or allergic reactions lol :wink:... Just checking in before going home! Hope my American friends are having a great Fourth!


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## OutOfTheLoop

Sorry if I missed it, I only read the first page, but have you actually went nd seen an oncologist about your blood disorder? From what i gather, this is what an allergist told you? I have an autoimmune disorder as well, and was sent to an oncologist to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it. Its pretty scary at first, but worth it to know exactly whats going on and why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DrumRunner

OutOfTheLoop said:


> Sorry if I missed it, I only read the first page, but have you actually went nd seen an oncologist about your blood disorder? From what i gather, this is what an allergist told you? I have an autoimmune disorder as well, and was sent to an oncologist to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it. Its pretty scary at first, but worth it to know exactly whats going on and why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I haven't but I'll definitely ask about it.

So, I've been a little absent around the forum lately..Just a lot going on right now. Health is okay, I've gained a little weight. No serious allergic reactions right now and just a few seizures the past two weeks. 

I've been going home every weekend the past three weeks and I think that's been good for me. I've got to ride a good bit while there.. I'm just ready to be able to move back home and get the girls in shape for show season. I can't believe it's right around the corner already..AND I'll be 24 in exactly one month..Which is ridiculous..I was just like 18, are you serious? Where did the time go? 

Work is going good but I'm also looking for a job at home now, I won't move back until I have a job there. I don't want to depend on anyone for anything..
.Sister is happier and just seems like an all around better tempered kid. I have tried to get her to ride with me a few times but she's still scared, she had a bad experience when she was younger and hasn't gotten over it.. 

Not much else to report right now..Just figured I'd check in and let you all know that things are a little better now..


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## Whisper22

Wow, what a mess. I'm so very sorry that you've been going through all that. It sounds like things are starting to look up for you a bit, so that's good.
How are the panic attacks? That is where my own experience lies. I am currently battling them myself and also just found out that that's in fact what's wrong with me. It doesn't sound like the same thing you experienced though. I fight all day for a deep breath. Once I get one, a minute later I need another one, but it doesn't come. I can see how someone would panic while feeling like they couldn't breath, but for me I get headaches and stomachaches from taking deep breaths all day, or at least trying to.
I finally talked to my dad about it who filled me in on what it was, because he suffers from the same thing. He was given Xanax, in the lowest dosage, which he says will stop the breathing fits for a few hours. That sounds like such a welcomed feeling right now. 
As a mother, xanax was not something I even cared to touch. The name just makes me think addictive drug, and I absolutely didn't want to take anything that would make me feel out of it at all. But my dad said the lowest dosage shouldn't make me feel that way, just enough to take the edge off so I can breath. I'm actually considering it, after talking to a doctor of course.
This usually lasts a few weeks and in the past has gone away on it's own, but I never knew there was a way to control it before. I am all too happy for that control. 

Best of luck to you. I hope things start to look up even more for you and your sister.


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## DrumRunner

Thanks.. The panic attacks are really rare, they only happen if I'm really worked up. Things are definitely starting to look up and get better..I'm just hoping it stays that way.


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## DimSum

DrumRunner said:


> Thanks.. The panic attacks are really rare, they only happen if I'm really worked up. Things are definitely starting to look up and get better..I'm just hoping it stays that way.


So glad to hear it. I've been lurking reading this thread since the beginning and I am glad to hear you are feeling better


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## SorrelHorse

I'm afraid I can't help with the physical aspect of this  But god, I'm so sorry Drum.

I deal with stress poorly, so maybe I can help with that at least. Music, for me, is the thing that really keeps me together. If I feel like the stress gets to be too much I grab my ipod and go sit somewhere quiet, or go for a drive, anything like that. Also, I like to try and find ways to express myself. Sometimes it's just trying something new with my makeup, or sketching, or messing around with my pastels. But ainly, I like to edit photos and videos.

I know I asked if I could use your videos, but maybe you could try editing them yourself too? Even if it's just on a simple program like Windows Movie Maker, I find it keeps my mind busy for that short amount of time, kinda helps put my emotions into a project too about something I love.

Like this, I was totally freaking out from stress when I made this. Has a ton of video clips I shot in it.





 
I don't know if this is your thing, just a few ideas maybe that can help rechannel your focus for an hour or two, help you relax, things like that.  And you have me on facebook and on here, I'm totally up to listen to any amount of ranting you want to throw at me too. Good luck and LOTS of hugs! ^^


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## DrumRunner

Well..Sucky day.. I'm back in SC and my aunt is currently at the second bond hearing for the 19 year old. The prosecutor thinks that the judge will let him out today with an ankle bracelet. Which is definitely not what we were hoping for, he's tried to contact Sister already and she gets upset about it. I'm scared that if she finds out that he is out of jail that she will try to see or get in touch with him. It worries me... I won't know anything for another hour or so. 

Thanks, I'm glad things were calm for a little while. This new bomb is coming out of no where and we weren't expecting it. Hopefully it will go over smooth and it will go to trial next week like it was supposed to. 

SorrelHorse, I will probably play around with the video maker a little. I usually don't have the patience for stuff like that, funny right? Horse people with no patience..


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## SorrelHorse

Haha I hear you on the patience thing...Sometimes I don't have patience either. I hope everything works out for you soon....


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## DrumRunner

So. I figured it was time for another update.. Things have been pretty quiet lately. No new news about the 19 year old.. No seizures right now, I'll have a small allergic reaction once a day or every other day but they're very mild. My throat has stopped swelling when I have the reactions. It's just itchy spots now..I've been back and forth between home and SC, I've gotten to a ride a little but not as much as I'd like.. I get to go home tomorrow and I'm spending the weekend with my BFF, not even going to stay at my Dad's house because everything is a fight there.. Monday I start my last year of college. Kinda excited about it but mostly ready for it to be over... My birthday is next weekend and I have no idea what I'm going to do for it, I'm thinking of just getting a few of my close friends together and maybe coming to Savannah for the day, eat dinner and have a few drinks.. State Championships are Labor Day weekend and I'm going to support my girls. I already know that I'm going to cry when I'm there.. There should be two stalls with my name on them.. Ugh.. That's making me sad.. Anyway, there are too many "I should." and "I wish" moments this summer.. 

So, health has improved, over my ex (mostly), I'm getting to ride again, new barrel season starts soon, and hopefully things will just continue to level out and keep in that direction!!


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## SorrelHorse

It can only go up from here, girl!  So happy for you that things are starting to go well!!


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