# I have no bond with my horse, I feel like I failed



## CountryChic12 (Aug 22, 2012)

I don't know if it's me or if it's him, or maybe it's both but whe do not click. He will do what I say but he has like no personality. He'll ride but is grumpy the whole time and it makes it unenjoyable. I don't know, but you can just tell. When I walk out to him he doesn't act excited to see me, the only exception to this is when he knows I'm going to give him his grain. :-| I don't know what to do! I can just feel that he just does not like me at all. I've tried spending time with stuff (like brushing him) but can really care less.


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## bsms (Dec 31, 2010)

How long have you had him? How do you currently interact with him? Not every horse will click with every rider, but it is also true that some horses take longer, and some riders need to adjust their approach. But it isn't a failure unless it is based on neglect - which I doubt. I don't like all people, either. Truth is, I dislike MOST people, but we won't go there...:wink:


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## riccil0ve (Mar 28, 2009)

My old "friend" had a mare with a goldfish personality. It happens.

If you don't feel like he's the horse for you, you can sell him and find one you think is a better fit. He might do better as a weekend trail horse or a jumper or whatever else. He might be better suited for someone who wants a working relationship more than a bond and that's okay!

You didn't fail. He's just not the right horse. As long as you aren't unrealistic about the kind of bond you want [Black Stallion and Flicka are stories, not real life], it's not a big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BarrelracingArabian (Mar 31, 2010)

The arab gelding i was riding while we had a bond he was not one of those horses who get super excited and would run to you. It may just be your guy is a little more reserved or as stated above hasn't been with you long enough ( took me a year and a half) or then again it could be that he just isnt one of those super lovey horses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reno Bay (Jul 8, 2012)

CountryChic12 said:


> I've tried spending time with stuff (like brushing him) but can really care less.


Maybe I'm reading this wrong...

Did you initially not care about spending a lot of time just being around him as opposed to riding or has his behavior about everything made you not care? I can understand how a horse's aloof behavior could be discouraging to where, at times, you don't even feel like giving it an effort anymore. However, if it was the former then that would be a contributing factor. Even grooming, petting, just being with your horse for a period of time is 'bonding' and helps a horse form a relationship with a person. If bonding time was never your thing and you didn't feel happy about grooming or anything then the horse could very well have picked up on it. Animals are uncanny at detecting how we feel about things.

I only go up to the farm two days a week (mainly because I currently don't have the time to go more often) to just love on my horse and whenever Reno sees me walk into the barn (when he's in his stall) he comes up to the bars as close as he can and nickers a hello. He doesn't do that to anyone else.

I wouldn't be discouraged. Horses are individuals and some take longer to warm up than others (though if you've had him for years with no improvement, then I'd think that you really aren't clicking). Not every visit has to be about riding or food. If you're not enthusiastic about spending ten minutes brushing him, maybe try this? While grooming, think about all the wonderful things you and your horse could do together if you built a happy relationship with him. Think of him being happy to see you _without_ food. Sometimes positive thinking will change the way the animal (and even people) senses you because positivity actually changes your demeanor. Just a suggestion though.


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## Iseul (Mar 8, 2010)

Nahh, you didn't fail. ST did what I told her because I told her, not because she liked me. She'd turn around and walk away out in the field as soon as she saw me coming. She's not lovey like Dude was, but she still had a personality.
I dropped out of trade school and came home and started leasing her again..Day before I left I rode her bareback and I could just tell she knew I was leaving for awhile. She had that look in her eye and she tried to keep all the other horses away from me. I went to the barn when I came home and walked all the way out to the end of the 20-25 acre pasture and she walked up to me, first time. Didn't need to show a treat to let me halter her and she bumped me with her nose. I was shocked, because she never showed any interest in me before I left her for a bit. She knew I was good to her even when I corrected her during our training and she knee it was me when I went out there, not whoever was riding her while I was gone.

But..I agree with other posters. If it isn't the horse for you, sell and look at others, there's no harm in that.
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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

You know, not every horse is going to bond with every rider. That doesn't mean he's 'not right' for you. If he does everything you ask willingly and is easy to get along with, then I'd hardly say he's the wrong horse.

All this, 'if we don't have the perfect, mind-melding bond he's obviously not the horse for me' nonsense is ludicrous. 

I've had ONE horse out of the six I've owned and the myriad more I've ridden over the years, with whom I had a special bond. That doesn't mean I didn't love and appreciate the others for the wonderful animals they were and are.

If you think every horse has to be 'the one' in order to love and enjoy them, then you're going to miss out on a lot of great horses.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

I'm with Reno Bay. It may just be the way you wrote it, but it seems that this is not entirely the gelding's "fault". You seen rather half-hearted about him, to be honest.

When I got my gelding, all we did for almost three months was ground work. Lunging, trail walks, grooming...you name it, we did it. At first, it was because he was a virtually unhandled stud colt, but then it was because it was fun. Now, even though I barely get out to the barn once a month because of my heinous work schedule, we still have that bond. My best friend was helping me out with him and she would text me to tell me how rotten he was being. I'd show up within a couple of days and he would be a complete angel. Not because he likes me more than her, but because I invested the time to earn his trust. It doesn't sound like you've taken the time to earn your gelding's trust (which is really what the bond is all about).

Now, that being said, some horses and riders just don't click. My best friend was given an Arab mare a few months ago and she ended up having to get rid of her because she and this mare absolutely did not click, regardless of how hard my friend tried.

Just remember: apathy begets apathy. The less you want to do with the horse, the less the horse will want to do with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkinthewalk (Jul 23, 2008)

I have four horses with four distinct personalities. I don't like to use the word "bond" but, for the sake of this thread, I have "bonded" with all four horses. Each in a different way.

The word "aloof" has been mentioned. The horse I have the strongest invisible thread with is my alpha-dominant and very aloof horse:shock: He is aloof because he is the leader of the herd, and a stellar one at that.

I never took the approach that any of them HAD to "bond" with me. Describe precisely what that word means in strictly black and white and as it applies to any animal? It's the same as raising several children - they are not the same but mom loves them all equally, yet in different ways.

I agree to sell the horse but be prepared to go thru a lot of horses for the sake of "bonding".

Every time I hear this sort of statement I think of what my mom used to say when I got impatient about something: "A watchpot never boils". In other words the harder one looks for something, sometimes the less obvious its presence is


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## blkgryphon (Jan 7, 2008)

I think RiccilOve got it right. You haven't failed at all. This horse may have had negative experiences with people for a very long time, such that he has just "shut down" in his ability to relate and be interested in people. I've seen this many times -- usually in horses that are "well trained", meaning that they are pretty push-button to ride. Used to see this "gone" kind of personality on the hunter circuit a lot...one of the reasons I quit that discipline, as I knew what it took to create that flat, dead aspect in the horse. Such horses typically do their job, but always with the sense about them that they're doing it because they have to, not because they want to. They tolerate the presence of people for the same reason. They have been given no reason to feel joy about us.

Can this psychological damage be undone? In my experience, sometimes yes, but it generally takes a very long time and a total change in what and how the horse is asked to exist and function. Sometimes, it just is what it is and it stays that way.

We had a horse like this for a while -- bought him for my newbie rider husband because he was push button and safe. Had the personality of a wet rag. Even my other horse found this unlikeable (he hated that horse and wanted him nowhere near him). Who knows what that horse was like initially, before people turned him off like that? He was a good horse to ride, but we also like to have a feeling of relationship and enjoyment coming to and from our horses, so we didn't keep him. Sold him to a trainer who was coming back after very serious injury, and she just loved him. She also used him in her school string, and he was a favorite with the kids because he was so easy to ride. So, he was a perfect fit for her needs -- not so much for ours.

In your case, you can either give this horse some time to come around and accept that he may or may not, or just find him the right home and find yourself the right horse. If you do want to try keeping him, perhaps you can tell us what you know about his previous life (use, training, housing situation, etc.) and how things are now. Maybe I could make some suggestions as to what might help turn him around, though like I said, he may never change.

Bottom line, you are clearly a caring and loving horse owner, so this is no reflection on you, my dear.

Susan K


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## Poco1220 (Apr 6, 2010)

I had a mare I spent tons of time with, broke myself, took everywhere! She rode perfectly, had impeccable manners, could be trusted anywhere with anybody, and was a good looking mare. I never thought twice about selling her when the option came up. There was no connection and to me she was "just a horse".

Poco was my love from day one. We Just "clicked" from the get go. He was only affectionate with me and seemed overall happier when I worked with him. He always gave his 110% and was willing to do anything asked. He is DEFINITELY not like this with everyone. 

Some people an horses just don't "click". Just like you may not be best friends with every person you meet. Or you may be indifferent toward some dogs or other peoples horses. You haven't failed at all! I received TONS of compliments on my mares obedience which proved I did well with her. But with Poco people specifically compliment that ever present connection between us and that makes me glow. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesqf (Oct 5, 2009)

CountryChic12 said:


> When I walk out to him he doesn't act excited to see me, the only exception to this is when he knows I'm going to give him his grain.


It may just be his personality, just like not every human you meet is an outgoing people person. For instance, my mare lives with my friend's gelding. When I go out to the corral, he's right there checking pockets for treats (she really should have named him Gollum ), Ellie may mosey over if she feels like it, or maybe not. They just have different personalities.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

CountryChic12 said:


> I don't know if it's me or if it's him, or maybe it's both but whe do not click. He will do what I say but he has like no personality. He'll ride but is grumpy the whole time and it makes it unenjoyable. I don't know, but you can just tell. When I walk out to him he doesn't act excited to see me, the only exception to this is when he knows I'm going to give him his grain. :-| I don't know what to do! I can just feel that he just does not like me at all. I've tried spending time with stuff (like brushing him) but can really care less.


 Lets take a step back.

What are you expecting as a display from the horse that he's happy and excited? He's a horse, not a dog . Most horses don't jump for joy and most don't have very outwardly expressive personalities. Just because he doesn't run to meet you in the field doesn't mean that he doesn't enjoy his time with you or that he's shut down. Many people would love to have a horse that's pretty agreeable to their agenda and it sounds like he is.

How long have you had him? How much time do you spend with him? Do you do any groundwork or mix up your activities, or do you just brush and ride? What do you do you your riding time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I dont know how old you are but I had a pony when I was about 9 or 10 and I swear he hated me and I hated him - sounds childish but I was a child. He wasnt my first pony but he might have been my last if he hadnt been sold.
On the other hand it takes time to bond and you have to give him a reason to want to be your bff


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## Breezy2011 (Nov 23, 2012)

My coming 2 year old and I have a bond, but we still have dangerous problems. Everyday when I get there I will call her name, and she will come trotting or loping up to the fence.


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## aldebono (Mar 15, 2012)

It took me forever to click with my second jumper. I wanted to sell him but didn't want someone else to get him because he was going to be a good horse. He is very aloof and a space cadet. I thought he was stubborn. I trailered him to a friends and we were playing bareback in the water; he was pawing and laying down, just being a goof. I still remember that day as the day we clicked and just got each other. 

A mare at my lesson barn had that "goldfish" personality. She was a great little mare, but sadly she was "just" a horse. 

I don't think my current mare and I have quite clicked. She is definitely bonded to me, but we haven't had that "Aha!" moment. She will walk up to me in the pasture and I don't have to be sneaky with the halter. I have had her since birth but have just started training her 7 months ago.

It takes time and sometimes it happens when neither of you are trying. Getting frustrated isn't going to help you or him. You may be interpreting his personality the wrong way and need to take a mental step back to see him for who he really is (wallowing around in a mud puddle like a goof).

Good luck, take some deep breaths and a pocket full of treats next time you see him.


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## montcowboy (Nov 11, 2012)

CountryChic12 said:


> I don't know if it's me or if it's him, or maybe it's both but whe do not click. He will do what I say but he has like no personality. He'll ride but is grumpy the whole time and it makes it unenjoyable. I don't know, but you can just tell. When I walk out to him he doesn't act excited to see me, the only exception to this is when he knows I'm going to give him his grain. :-| I don't know what to do! I can just feel that he just does not like me at all. I've tried spending time with stuff (like brushing him) but can really care less.


 nice topic.great discussion .honestly. not that often do you actually click as you talk about with a horse. so when it does happen is a amazing thing. ive owned professionally trained horses most my life. and have had some really amazing things with horses. but originally they were wild..then became beast of burdens. some of my best horses..training.and riding i didnt feel a close blond with. but they were still amazing horses.fun to ride. but i agree when you click with one.there really isnt anything like that. i started this filly this fall for a young lady and from the first time i worked with her. we clicked. and we clicked every day from then on.what a joy. reminds me why i do what i do. if i expected that clicking.that bonding with each and every horse i would be having some really bad days. enjoy it when you have it. and enjoy what you have right now. thanks for a great topic and discussion. ride safe everyone.happy trails


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## bmahosky13 (Oct 25, 2012)

I have a mare like this. I brought her home because I wanted a horse that I could ride, etc. However she did not click with me but she did my son. When he came to the barn you could see the change in her. When my son died 2 years ago she went back to the same mare that I brought home. 

I have another mare that is happy to see me and will whinny when she sees me. She likes to be mauled by me with lots of hugs and kisses and treats. 

As for selling my son's horse? not gonna happen. I even had an offer from a neighbor to buy her. She will be here until she dies. 

You haven't failed in any respect. Find another horse that will click with you.


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## COWCHICK77 (Jun 21, 2010)

Over the years I have had a good pile of horses and all of them different personality wise.
Some of them I just couldn't like, some I adored and some I may of not liked but we worked well together.

For me it is not the brushing, petting or his reaction when he sees me coming with a halter that makes me feel a "bond" but rather when we accomplish a task(working a tough cow, doing well at a show or tackling something training wise) together and we did well and we both tried hard.

Maybe you need to look long and hard at what you expect from him.


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## bsms (Dec 31, 2010)

Quick story...an old friend of mine in Utah told me last month about his favorite horse. He's a rancher, and doesn't get very sentimental about animals, so I was surprised to see a picture of him on a horse, in a frame made from horsehair. Turned out his kids gave him that when they had to put the horse down.

He said the horse didn't like him. If he wasn't careful, the horse would bite him. Or kick. He didn't like humans much at all. But he loved to work cattle, and would go for 50 miles if you needed it, and then do it again the next day. He worked cattle well, tho - the rougher the cattle, the more he liked working them. And over the years, and thousands of miles, they developed a mutual respect. He worked cattle into his mid-20s. When he died, my friend was surprised to realize he missed the horse. He concluded he had already ridden the best horse he would ever meet. He was even more surprised when his kids gave him the picture, and the frame made from the horse's mane. Apparently, they understood how much the horse had come to mean to him.

But not all horses work out that way. I've got 3 in my corral right now. I could sell two of them without blinking an eye, although the womenfolk in my house would kill me for selling Trooper. I couldn't imagine selling Mia, although she is a pain in the rear and the ladies wouldn't miss her. Or so they say.

Dunno. Sometimes they grow on you. Or not. Darned if I can figure out a pattern! Good luck, however it turns out!


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Sometimes I want a horse that acts like a lap dog. Actually, that's mostly what I like. If the horse isn't all over me, I sell it on and no regrets. It'll be the perfect horse for someone else. If it's a show horse that I'm riding and strictly want it to do a job, I'm ok if it's not a lovey dovey soul mate kind of horse. Most of the time when I buy outside of my program I'm looking for a work type horse and I'm ok with stand offish. 

The ones I breed, and raise for ME, absolutely have to have that in your tent personality, love me to death and I love them to death type thing going. They can be opinionated as all heck, a complete PIA but they gotta come running to the gate to say, "HI" or they go down the road. I have to look forward to seeing them everyday or I don't want to be bothered with the work. 

So, you have to figure out what's important to YOU and then get that horse. Do you want 'My Pretty Pony who is all over you'? Or is 'butt ugly but jumps to the moon' more your style? Or, 'I'll do my job but not exactly act thrilled but give you 110% all day everyday and when you're done leave me alone' what you're looking for? Once you figure out what pleases you the most, and what you're willing to overlook to get the most important traits, then you'll find just the right horse.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

Horses aren't like dogs. I don't believe they "bond" quite in the way that people expect, and that often their affectionate responses are just a result of people "training" them to be like that. Like if your horse neighs to you and comes over and you give him a carrot... you're training him to do that. People expect horses to "bond" to people like dogs, and they see this in the movies or read about it in books but I don't think its really reality. You can get a good understanding and your horse might even like you but its not the same. 

Its taken about six/seven months for me and my mare to develop an understanding. I did extensive ground work with her, but it wasn't just that but time as well until we started to work each other out. I suppose we have a "bond" more than she has with any other human. Now that we're working each other out things are going a lot more smoothly and we have better times together. I think it often takes 6 months to a year to develop this. 

You say your horse has no personality.. and to be honest this is how I feel about a lot of geldings, not all, but many of them just seem a bit nothing. That's why I like mares - they never seem to lack in the personality department!


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## fkcb1988 (Aug 16, 2012)

I have to have a connection and bond with ANY kind of animal i have! If a horse is a good working and is suitable for what Im wanting to do but theres nothing between us i pass or find a new home for them. If you and your horse dont mesh well together then you can work with him if you want but you cant force a bond to happen. If your unhappy he'll be unhappy. I wouldnt feel like a failure at all. It happens.


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## Ace80908 (Apr 21, 2011)

I just went through this - I got my new show prospect Ivy 6 months ago, and despite EXTENSIVE ground work and care, didn't get the right feel from her. Sold her last week at the first offer... she was not the right horse for me, and too many good ones are out there for great prices right now.

Put Whiskey up for a lease too, as her sarcoid is growing (again) and I can't show her - came to my senses after a few sleepless nights and told the interested parties I couldn't part with her. She is the type like dreamcatcher's mare - she hikes in from the back pasture at my call - always waiting at the fenceline with her ears up and eyes soft- and has done everything I've asked of her with a willing spirit... she is priceless, sarcoid and all. 

You are the only one paying your feed bills, and horses are very expensive. If they aren't earning their keep, find the one for you who will...


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

Saskia said:


> You say your horse has no personality.. and to be honest this is how I feel about a lot of geldings, not all, but many of them just seem a bit nothing. That's why I like mares - they never seem to lack in the personality department!


This is so funny to me because I am just the opposite! Well, not exactly. I do think mares have personality, but the ones I've had have had the annoying, moody, clingy personalities. I like my geldings because they're funny yet independent.

Rusty and I didn't bond right away. He was a complete pain in the butt, and he still is. You don't know how many times I considered selling him. But we FINALLY bonded after a year. I miss riding him right now (he hurt himself), and everytime I ride a lesson horse, I long for those little things about Rusty I never knew I liked: how he just plods around the arena on a loose rein, how he isn't ADD, how he isn't hard mouthed, how he doesn't try to bite when I tighten the girth, how I can slip the bit right into his mouth, and how he doesn't sweat too much ever, and how he loves to have his face scratched after you take his bridle off. 

Brushing doesn't mean a thing to this horse. He's the most aloof horse in the world when it comes to brushing. And he doesn't run up to me in the pasture like my other horse, Knight, does. 

I took Knight on a trail ride a while back with my friend and her horse, Sunny. I love Knight, but it just wasn't the same without Rusty. Knight's his own character and pranced a lot and tried to buck at the canter (which was quite amusing), but I missed Rusty's independence and how he doesn't mind being left behind, and how he doesn't buck and doesn't get scared, and how he is the one that will lead the others past a scary object or into water. And Rusty and Sunny are both alpha types - they have this "bond" where they might pin their ears, but they never kick each other and like each other - poor Knight kept getting threatened by Sunny because Knight is so low on the totem pole. 

Yeah, Rusty has issues. He is trouble for the vet, lacks some manners here and there, is stubborn to load in the trailer, and gets heavy on the bit and gets fast when we jump if he's excited. But he's my baby. 

Knight is a perfectly nice horse, but we just don't have the bond. It's not a failure, it's just preference. Sorry for the novel on Rusty, but I just miss riding my buddy so much!


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## smokinindigoblue (Nov 29, 2012)

riccil0ve said:


> My old "friend" had a mare with a goldfish personality. It happens.
> 
> If you don't feel like he's the horse for you, you can sell him and find one you think is a better fit. He might do better as a weekend trail horse or a jumper or whatever else. He might be better suited for someone who wants a working relationship more than a bond and that's okay!
> 
> ...


 I really like what you brought up about the working relationship but bonds like those films can happen my mare jumped the gate of her pasture once when I was on the ground passed out my trainer saw it happen
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## Hunter65 (Aug 19, 2009)

I don't know if these "bonds" happen. There were many times I wanted to trade or sell Hunter. I didn't enjoy going to see him, he hated to be groomed and I thought he hated me. It was when I got his respect and trust that things began to change. He is still a grumpy brat who doesn't come trotting to the fence BUT he does now occasionally meander to the fence when I go to get him. I am not sure if we ever will have a "bond" and I know he will never be a huggy horse (sometimes I miss that) but I think we make a good team. And he is so darn cute too.


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## starrysgirl (Feb 25, 2011)

things like that happen... it would help to know how long you have had it and what all you have done with it.. i've had something like this happen to me before


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## PaintMare (Nov 23, 2011)

A lot of times certain people and certain horses just don't click. No matter how much work or effort you put into it....you might not always get the bond that you want out of it. And that's okay. It happens to everyone at some point. I knew people that absolutley HATED the horse I ended up buying, telling me she was "untrainable'' and out of control...only because no one had given her the patience she needed. We clicked, I've owned and been training her for over 2 years. Those old little things people hated with her, she never once did too me. We bonded really, really fast. But her barn buddy(my dad's horse) and me...we never clicked. She's an ottb and I'm not an ottb person, and we could just never really bond. She's a hard one too bond with and sometimes horses are just like that.

Keep trying! But if you feel like its just not working out and your not happy....you can always look for another horse. And remember riding and working with horses is supposed to be FUN!!!! If its not then you may need to change something. Its so hard for people to remember that sometimes....and too admit that they need a change.


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