# The struggle draws to a close



## xxBarry Godden

Th*e struggle draws to a close.*​ 

It has been a long week and as I write, it is still not over. My beautiful horse, bless her, is dead.

We had driven my mare up to the veterinary hospital and after the vet had looked her over and taken some X-rays it was very obvious that the decision we feared was about to be made. She would not be coming home with us. At some time today, for her the lights of life would go out never again to be turned on.

The vet had explained. to us the medical situation. A disease was eating away at her lungs and she was losing the capacity to convert oxygen into energy. Her rate of breathing was already high - often exceeding 50 breaths per minute. We were told that undoubtedly the breathing would become even more laboured. She was losing her ability to breathe, or put it another way, she was dying. The coughing came in spasms Some times it was one dry rasping sound at a time, sometimes the coughs would come in bursts There was no recognised treatment for this awful disease. In putting her to sleep we would ease her distress. It was no longer a question of: ’if’, rather a question of: ’when’. 

I had lived for month with the scenario which was now evolving. Since the first announcement that she had a hardening of the lung tissues I had refused to accept the situation. I clung to the days when she was well and when she could go for half an hour or so without one cough. But then there were the times when she stood and coughed and when her head slowly but surely drooped down towards the ground. At such times, helpless I had to stand and watch.

Yes, there was a medication which was usually given to humans who were having a kidney transplant. The humans would take three tablets per day whereas my mare had to take sixty six tablets a day. We ground them up and fed them to her in a mixture of sugar beet and treacle. On some days it was necessary to feed her by hand because she refused to eat the stodge. When it was my turn to don the plastic gloves and feed her, then I would bribe her with a juicy pear or two. Maybe I would drop into the stodge a few pelleted horse treats. Whether those tablets made any difference remains very much a question in my mind.

Whatever, each morning as I arrived at the yard she would come over to me. Of course t was all cupboard love, she wanted the treats in my pocket. She knew I would be playing with her. She knew she’d get a wash and a groom, She knew she’d get a walk in hand along to where the green grasses grew. I’d chat to her. I’d stroke her. I’d give her a kiss or two. I’d spoil her any way I could think of. In return she would give me a little lick. It felt good to be with her.

What I had planned for her last months of life was a compromise. She would be 140 miles away on a friend’s clean grass land. I’d have to drive almost three hours to be with her. But at least she’d get a second chance amongst new faces and new ideas. Even the vet would be different. I wasn’t really happy about the situation which I had arranged but I knew she had already been sentenced by the folks presently surrounding her. They already had written her off. At least she’d be safe for a while.
Dealing with the vets and the insurance company I found to be very distressing. Whenever I started to speak I could feel my voice breaking. My eyes would water with tears, my chin would pucker and my voice would disintegrate. Then suddenly I couldn’t form the words. I had to turn away. The embarrassment could be acute especially for whomever I was talking to. Finally the tears would run down my cheeks. To an outsider, it must have been like watching a grandfather cry. 

My dubious decision was not to stand by her as the final needle delivered the anaesthetic. I could not have done it. I wanted to remember her as she was once and not as an inert corpse laying lifeless on the ground at my feet. I chickened out. I hope she forgave me.

The love and understanding of a horse is not a blessing which every horse owner comes to enjoy. It is a two way emotion between two creatures of very different species. It is a touchie feelie thing experienced through the finger tips. It is a form of non verbal communication expressed through the thighs. It is incredibly sensitive and intuitive. If there is such a thing as telemetry then surely it can exist between horse and rider. 

Sooner or later a horse comes to realize that it is utterly dependent upon the human for its comfort and well being. Sooner or later the rider becomes aware that his or her safety comes largely as a gift from the horse held between the thighs. Together horse and rider should make a couple. 

Discover this powerful bond of mutual trust and you are indeed blessed. But get ready for the tears when it is taken away.


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## tinyliny

Barry,

I am so deeply saddened to read this, with tears on my cheek. I had lost track of your ongoing saga with Didi. I did not realize the seriousness of her illness. All I can say is that she was extremely fortunate to have been given you as her owner, and we are very fortunate to experience the depth of your bond, via your intimate musings. God Speed, Didi.



ETA

Barry, would you consider posting some pictures of her here?


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## xxBarry Godden

*Photos of a very special horse*

She was an unusual horse with an aptitude for modern drssage

The day she was due to compete at the UK nationals in dressage at novice level she was diagnosed with a form of lung disease.
What bad luck.


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## kitten_Val

How very sad! I'm very sorry, Barry!


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## Skyseternalangel

I am so very sorry for your loss; you were such an amazing and caring owner through her last days. May she rest in peace and frolic through the beautiful greener pastures in the sky.


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## natisha

I'm so sorry


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## equiniphile

I'm so sorry for your loss. One of the hardest things to do is lose an animal.


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## themacpack

I am so very sorry.......


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## Speed Racer

Barry, my deepest condolences on the loss of your lovely girl.

Don't feel guilty or think that DiDi wouldn't forgive you for handing over her lead rope the last few minutes. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to that. Each of us have to make our own decisions, and your girl bears you no ill will. I promise.

Godspeed, good mare.


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## Cacowgirl

Oh Barry-so sad. I'm sure she was comforted by your love and attention. Mydeepest condolonces to you.


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## gunslinger

Barry:

I have the same bond with my mare. It's incredible how much we come to love these animals.

I know how much this must hurt, and I hope god finds a way to heal your heart soon.


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## MHFoundation Quarters

Barry, I am so sorry for your loss. 

You should not feel guilty. You were a fantastic owner that did everything possible for the animal he loved.


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## CLaPorte432

Oh my, I am so sad to hear this. I so enjoyed your posts about this mare and your struggles to make her into something she didn't want to be. Her heart was always in the dressage ring and you, a wonderful owner, realized that and allowed her to follow and achieve her dreams of becoming a dressage horse.

You are in my prayers.


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## Allison Finch

I am so sorry, Barry. I respect what you did for your beautiful mare. One of the things we really owe our beloved horses is a dignified exit when the time comes. Hugs sent to you, my friend.


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## iridehorses

Barry, so many others have said it better but when we loose a friend such as Didi, a piece of our hearts go with them and we are better for having them touch us for a time.

She is no longer in discomfort and that can give you solace.


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## xxBarry Godden

As I have blundered more and more into old age, writing has become a hobby for me. At times of stress I find it very cathartic to sit to record my thoughts on paper. The effort involved must be akin to that of making a confession, not that I would know much about the ways of religion. At least I get some relief from the thoughts which otherwise would circle aimlessly around in my head. 

Strangely, I do not want to keep repeating the discussions I have had with people close to me on a day to day basis, particularly those who knew my horse. They may have met with the same horse which I knew but they have their own memories of her, which at the time I did not share. Perhaps they came to think of her as a sharp horse to ride and one to be handled with care. Indeed from time to time she could be a ‘baggage’. Undoubtedly I always regarded her through rose coloured glasses. It was only when the level 4 ulcers were belatedly discovered when they realized that she had a good reason to be fractious on those occasions when the stomach acid was sloshing around the raw ulcers. I shall always remember her as a kindly mare but one who had her moods.

Undoubtedly the young woman on whose private yard my horse was in livery has been deeply upset by the whole affair. My horse was but one of the five which she cared for and trained for dressage on a daily basis. She has her own favourite, a very competent if sensitive gelding, who was rescued by her for a nominal sum of money. She shelters him from the vicissitudes of this world much as I tried to protect my mare. She cannot afford to insure him from disease, so if he were to need expensive drug treatment then she would not provide it for reasons of cost. She had recognised my horse’s distress early on and was for the euthanasia route a lot sooner than me. Somehow despite her otherwise caring concern for my horse, I did not like the notion that she would give up on her and write my mare off as being irretrievably busted. I felt that my strong minded mare had the spirit to live and the fortitude to fight her corner and merely needed some help and understanding from the humans around her.

The chief vet in whose hands my horse’s life and level of care rested was a specialist. I did not like that he saw the disease to be an interesting one. For him my horse was just another horse in distress but one which was suffering from a rare complaint. I could not erase my thinking that he saw her as a guinea pig. In truth, I do him a disservice because at the end he was positively helpful and openly honest in his view of the situation. I, as the owner, was saved by him from having to make the final decision. We had no option but to put the horse down and thereby ease her distress.

The insurance company managers were clerks who read the rules and responded accordingly. When speaking to them I found it difficult when my voice broke as invariably it would. I had to stop talking and hold the phone away so that they could not ‘hear’ my tears. But nevertheless their financial support was forthcoming.

Neighbours, friends and relatives, all showed concern but when they raised the subject, mostly out of compassionate politeness, they became embarrassed when they recognised the despair in my distress. In reality they did not know what to say to me beyond: “sorry for your loss“. To them I was a man whom they knew to have a hobby of horse riding but they had very little idea of what the horse really represented to me. To watch me burst into ears was for them an extremely uncomfortable experience. In many cases they had over the years formed an image of me and there I was shattering that inaccurate perception into pieces.

However here on the *HorseForum *there is an outlet for my thoughts and my writing. Only a horse owner who has formed a true bond with a horse can understand the impact which the loss of that horse can represent. Undoubtedly many of you out there in the ether have had similar experiences when your own horse has died. Some of you have yet to experience the grief of losing a loved one, be it of another animal species. Some of you are also dog owners and you will know that the death of the four legged companion which has become part of the daily routine of your own life represents a traumatic and highly emotional event from which it takes time to recover. I must apologise for reminding some of you of your own personal past grief at the demise of your own horse. 

* 
Thank you readers, especially to those who have expressed their sympathy in a few words tapped out on this thread. You have given comfort merely by your invisible presence and understanding. 
* 
As my father once said: “ _noone, and for some of us, no animal, is really dead until someone still living ceases to remember them_.“ DiDi lives on in my head and now resides with the other horses and dogs which I have been privileged to know during my lifetime. 

* 
Thank you all for your concern and kindly thoughts. Much appreciated*. 
_Barry G
_ 
PS As I write this note, I look down at the nine year old Rottweiler, who these days appears a little tatty from the side effects of the Cushings disease from which he suffers. He sleeps, as he does for much of the day. I have told him that he is not going anywhere. His sole job now is to keep me company and not to mosey off to pastures new up in the sky.


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## xxBarry Godden

Allison,

The photo you have posted somehow sums up the scene so beautifully. 
I have been trying to think of a single word which would act as a title for it.

It is lovely. Thank you for thinking to post it.

Barry


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## Speed Racer

Barry, I lost my beloved heart horse almost 5 years ago. While you'll never not miss her, the good memories will eventually outweigh the bad, and with that will come an easing of your grief.

DiDi wasn't 'just a horse'. Those of us who have been through it truly do understand the devastation.

I'm also keeping an eye on an old dog. My Great Dane will be 9 in October, and I know the time is fast approaching when I'll have to let her go. 

I was angry at the world when I lost my gelding. Why wasn't everyone in mourning? How could the sun shine, birds sing, and life go on as normal when my heart was shattered and a part of my soul was missing? Oh yes, I understand very well.


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## Jake and Dai

Barry, 

My heart is breaking for you with the loss of your lovely DiDi. You so eloquently describe the virtually indescribable joy of owning and partnering with a horse. And I so inadequately offer my deepest deepest condolences to you.

And a virtual :hug: (if I may be so bold).


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## MHFoundation Quarters

Barry, I sat thinking about this last night and shed a few tears with you. Memories of those I've had to say goodbye to came flooding back as fresh as they were when it happened. As Speed said, those of us that have been through it truly understand how hard it is. 

My heart horse has been gone for over 20 years. My heart still gets heavy and the occasional tear falls when I ride past her marker in my woods. Last summer I had to make the tough call with my 16 year old german shorthair. I'd had her since she was an 8 week old pup, she was a gift from my dad on my 16th birthday. I learned to shoot a gun because of that dog, found a love for bird hunting, found a lifelong friend. I still miss her more than words can express and a week doesn't go by that I don't think of her and wish for one more day in the fields doing what she loved. 

I won't tell you that the pain goes away but it does get easier. Cherish the good times you had and look to those memories for comfort.


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## gunslinger

I guess, when we look at life, we're all blessed to have had wonderful relationships, with our horses, dogs, and loved people.

Barry, I've posted this passage before, and it brings me great comfort.

Such is the wisdom of Solomon.

_1_ To every _thing there is_ a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
_2_ a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up _that which is_ planted;
_3_ a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
_4_ a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
_5_ a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
_6_ a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
_7_ a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
_8_ a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
_9_ What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboreth?
_10_ ¶ I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
_11_ He hath made every _thing_ beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
_12_ I know that _there is_ no good in them, but for _a man_ to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
_13_ And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, it _is_ the gift of God.
_14_ I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth _it,_ that _men_ should fear before him.
_15_ That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.


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## nvr2many

I am very sorry for your loss. She was very beautiful!


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## Clayton Taffy

Someday I might be able to read your original post all the way through. I got to the end of the first sentence and could not read farther.

I am so sorry, unfortunatly I know the pain you are in now. 
She was beautiful.


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## Kayty

Oh Barry, my heart is breaking for you. The same experience is still so raw for me after putting my beloved Hugo, also a beautifully handsome, solid grey, to sleep after a long battle with soundness conditions. 
I'm having a little cry for you now, and the emotions of when I had to make that call for Hugo have come rushing back, it feels as though your heart has broken in two, and the pieces have sunk to your feet. You can't think straight, and any mention of the fact bring through a fresh wave of tears no matter how hard you try to hold them back. 
I think the feeling of having made that decision, to a beautiful and noble creature whom you called your best friend, is one of the biggest hurts you can experience. 

From Australia, sending many thoughts your way. I hope the hole in your heart heals over time, but for now, try to think of all the wonderful times you shared with such a stunning creature like DiDi. You have made the best choice for her, many would not have had the strength of character to make the decision to lay their horse to rest before they begin to suffer terribly. When I did the same for Hugo, I thought for many weeks so much guilt, he was still so happy within himself. But waiting until his quality of life had diminished would have been too terrible to deal with. 

Best regards Barry, look after yourself.


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## Speed Racer

Barry, someone sent me this after I lost Conny, and I'm sharing it with you now. The last paragraph always chokes me up, but it's also very beautiful.


*Crossing the Bridge *
*

I stood beside your bed last night, I came to have a peep. 

I could see that you were crying; you found it hard to sleep. 


*
*I whinnied to you softly as you brushed away a tear, 

"It's me, I haven't left you. I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." 


I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care. 

I want to reassure you that I'm not lying there. 


*
*I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key. 

I put my head against you, nickered and said, "It's me." 


You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. 

I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there. 


*
*It's possible for me to be so near you every* *day. 

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." 


You sat there very quietly, then smiled; I think you knew. 

In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. 


*
*And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, 

I'll gallop across to greet you, and we'll stand there side by side. 


I have so many things to show you, there's so much for you to see. 

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me**.*


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## xxBarry Godden

Speed, that's a tear jerker that's for sure. It got to me.

It's a bank holiday over here. Locally there is a horsey event at which friends are competing. So I went along.

Amongst the hundred or so horses, I came across a beautiful grey cob of good conformation, well turned out, gentle by nature, ridden by a capable young female rider. Slowly I walked over to look more closely at the animal. I was able to speak to the rider for only a few minutes before I was reduced to tears
- yet again. I had to turn away and keep my distance.

This grieving is becoming a problem.


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## Speed Racer

Barry Godden said:


> This grieving is becoming a problem.


It gets easier with time, I promise. You've just lost her; you can't expect to be okay in such a short period of time.

Even now, almost 5 years after I laid my boy to rest, anytime I see a little bay Arabian gelding my heart always skips a beat or two.


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## Kayella

The poem of the Rainbow Bridge gets me every single time. I am so sorry for your loss, Barry.


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## FlyGap

Barry I'm so terribly sorry she had to go this way. I know you did everything in your power to ease her pain and hopefully cure her. That's all we can do, it's out of love.
Don't be ashamed of the emotion, it's a testiment of your humanity. Like you said, something most others don't and could never understand. But it's yours, strong actually, and maybe misunderstood as frailty. I see it as strength.

Unless one goes through something like this it's hard to comprehend that one day this "animal" that outweighs us tenfold, with all the power and grace that we lack will actually die long before us. Mine have always seemed indestructible, only to be reminded how fragile their lives are in our hands, and how devastating when their lives are pulled from them.

Hugs from across the pond! Sincere love, thoughts, and prayers! It does not get better, but we do learn to appreciate the pain and cherish it in their remembrance. It's proof that we loved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians

Barry, I'm so sorry for your loss. When you lose your heart animal it's like losing yourself. It will get better in time, though you will probably always have a pang when you think or speak of her. When I lost my Rottweiler, Hugo, to lung cancer and lupus I couldn't even see a picture of a Rottie without breaking down for 2 long years. It's now been 8 and I MIGHT be almost ready for another Rottie and able to accept that dog on its own without comparing it to my lost Hugo. Give yourself time to grieve, and with grief, it takes what it takes you can't rush it.


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## HorseLovinLady

I'm sorry for your loss. Many ((((Hugs))))


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## Susan Crumrine

Barry,
I am so very sorry....your horse was amazing, I enjoyed hearing about you two and will miss the updates.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Susan


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## xxBarry Godden

Every thing it life seems to have a price. I received through the post today, the invoice relating to DiDi's last day. There were a few tests, a report and then the dastardly deed and finally the clearing up thereafter.

Thinking about it, for a moment my eyes started to water, but I held them back which suggests I am getting better.

The tack has all been cleaned and put away in our tack room. 
The stable yard has been sorted.
The insurance company sent me a piece of paper, saying DiDi had been removed from the policy. That is odd, because to me she was the policy.

People say to me it is time to move on. Well it isn't really. I am not ready.


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## Clayton Taffy

I find it so odd that people think they are helping whan they say, "it is time to move on", unless they are in your heart, they have no idea. DiDi was in your heart and she is the only one who can say when it is time to move on.

My heart aches for you.


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## xxBarry Godden

Taffy - DiDi's not going anywhere - she is in the back of my mind all the time.

And I have just ordered a big photo of her and me to go on the wall at the bottom of the stairs.

Thank you for your kind thoughts


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## Clayton Taffy

I also have a 24 x 36 painting of my "Taffy" above my fireplace.


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## Lakotababii

Barry Godden said:


> People say to me it is time to move on. Well it isn't really. I am not ready.


I lost my heart horse last year. I still haven't moved on. It's gotten better, sure, but I still miss her. Always will.

Barry, grief is a process. NO ONE can tell you how fast or how slow you should move through it. This mare obviously meant something to you, and some people just don't understand that they are not just animals.

Don't let anyone tell you that you should get over it, or that she was just a horse. I've never even met you and it is blatantly obvious that she meant much more to you than words can express.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. You have my prayers.


G*OD'S* F*OAL*​ I'll lend you for a little while
My grandest foal, He said,
For you to love while she's alive
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be one or twenty years,
Or days or months, you see.
But, will you, till I take her back,
Take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have treasured memories
To bring solace in your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return.
But, there are lessons taught on earth
I want this foal to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
With trust I have selected you.
Now will you give her your total love,
Nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate Me when I come
To take her back again?
I know you'll give her tenderness
And love will bloom each day.
And for the happiness you've known
Forever grateful stay.
But should I come and call for her
Much sooner than you'd planned,
You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And someday understand.


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## xxBarry Godden

Lakota - thank you for your kind words and a moving poem.

The problem is she has gone but not left me yet I can't stroke her any more.

B G


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## Skyseternalangel

Barry Godden said:


> People say to me it is time to move on. Well it isn't really. I am not ready.


I hope you don't consider any of these "people" your friends. No ONE has a right to say that to you, or even cause you to feel that way!!

You aren't a school girl crying over your favourite pop idol that got voted off the X Factor. It's seriously MUCH more than that, and you deserve unbridled, consistent support in your time of such loss. 

Let only the good beautiful thoughts of your beloved DiDi remain true in your heart and mind; don't let others try and wisp them away with a cheap flea market fan. 

Grr makes me very mad. You should be allowed to feel anything you want to, without judgement or prodding or influence from anyone else. 

I'm going to go polish my ***-kicking boots now. May need them soon.



> "JUST A HORSE..."
> From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a horse," or,"that's a lot of money
> for just a horse".
> 
> They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs, both financial
> and emotional, involved for "just a horse." Some of my proudest moments have come
> about with "just a horse."
> 
> Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a horse," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a horse," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a horse" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.
> 
> If you, too, think it's "just a horse," then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or "just a promise."
> 
> "Just a horse" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a horse" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a horse" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future.
> 
> So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a horse" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment.
> 
> "Just a horse" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.
> 
> I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a horse" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a person."


DiDi rest in peace. You brought Barry such joy and deserve recognition and to be remembered for the rest of our living days.


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## xxBarry Godden

SKy, It is strange isn't it - some folks can't understand why the companionship of a good horse is such a blessing to experience in life.

Don't worry I have learned how to respond to such ignorant people.

My problem is that I have not yet worked out how to fill the hole in my day that DiDi has left. I suppose with time, I will

Barry


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## AlexS

Barry I have only just seen this but I wanted to pass along my sincere condolences. 

It is the business of absolutely no one when you move on. In fact I would argue that we never really move on and that hole in our hearts is never really filled. The pain does get less raw, and it is certainly possible to love other special animals, but it's always slightly different. I believe that every special animal has their own space in our hearts. 

You are in my thoughts.


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## xxBarry Godden

ALEX, thank you for your thoughts,

The other five horses in my life, each of whom have now gone on before, were all geldings, My guess is that when she arrives up in their midst, she'll try to be the boss - as has been her way in life.


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## AlexS

It sounds like that's a safe bet Barry.  Although I don't think there's too much to fight over in the never ending pasture.


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## Saddlebag

When people say it's time to move on I think it's said with the greatest of kindness. They feel awkward and don't really know what to say.


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## Skipsfirstspike

Barry, I have been offline for a few months, so I am just coming across this thread today.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful DiDi.
I hope that you are coping as well as you are able, and that the worst of the pain is starting to subside.
You are in my thoughts.


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## xxBarry Godden

Skip, she's gone. The days are a bit empty but I a very loathe to look for another horse, there's not enough time. At least she's not coughing any more. I am lucky to have known her. Barry G


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## Me and Smiling Horse

I am so so so very sorry for your loss. She was GORGEOUS, and she was one lucky horse to be loved so much. I wish you peace.


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## xxBarry Godden

*A lifelog memory of a dressage Diva*

Of all the photos I have of this horse, one very recently located comes to the fore and I shall be making a copy to hang on the wall in my lounge.

DiDi had just won 2nd place in the local area finals for a place in the Petplan nationals at Novice level.

The rosette of one of the other competitors lies on the ground and DiDI does a little shy. How the Countess stayed on, I'll never know.


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## Me and Smiling Horse

Lakotababii said:


> I lost my heart horse last year. I still haven't moved on. It's gotten better, sure, but I still miss her. Always will.
> 
> Barry, grief is a process. NO ONE can tell you how fast or how slow you should move through it. This mare obviously meant something to you, and some people just don't understand that they are not just animals.
> 
> Don't let anyone tell you that you should get over it, or that she was just a horse. I've never even met you and it is blatantly obvious that she meant much more to you than words can express.
> 
> I am deeply sorry for your loss. You have my prayers.
> 
> 
> G*OD'S* F*OAL*​ I'll lend you for a little while
> My grandest foal, He said,
> For you to love while she's alive
> And mourn for when she's dead.
> It may be one or twenty years,
> Or days or months, you see.
> But, will you, till I take her back,
> Take care of her for me?
> She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
> And should her stay be brief,
> You'll have treasured memories
> To bring solace in your grief.
> I cannot promise she will stay,
> Since all from earth return.
> But, there are lessons taught on earth
> I want this foal to learn.
> I've looked the wide world over
> In my search for teachers true.
> And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
> With trust I have selected you.
> Now will you give her your total love,
> Nor think the labour vain,
> Nor hate Me when I come
> To take her back again?
> I know you'll give her tenderness
> And love will bloom each day.
> And for the happiness you've known
> Forever grateful stay.
> But should I come and call for her
> Much sooner than you'd planned,
> You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
> And someday understand.


This poem brought me to tears.
Barry I can only imagine what you're going through. My heart goes out to you.


----------



## xxBarry Godden

QUOTE:

_ But should I come and call for her
Much sooner than you'd planned,
You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And someday understand_.
UNQUOTE

*Me*,
No, sorry, I won't understand. 
She didn't have my permission to go.
It wasn't her turn.
She has left too big a hole to fill.
I want her back 
but I guess she won't be coming back.


Read more: http://www.horseforum.com/horse-memorials/struggle-draws-close-125578/page3/#ixzz1zrlvr95a


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## Me and Smiling Horse

Barry Godden said:


> QUOTE:
> 
> _ But should I come and call for her
> Much sooner than you'd planned,
> You'll brave the bitter grief that comes
> And someday understand_.
> UNQUOTE
> 
> *Me*,
> No, sorry, I won't understand.
> She didn't have my permission to go.
> It wasn't her turn.
> She has left too big a hole to fill.
> I want her back
> but I guess she won't be coming back.
> 
> 
> Read more: http://www.horseforum.com/horse-memorials/struggle-draws-close-125578/page3/#ixzz1zrlvr95a


I know what it is to grieve, and grieve ~deeply~

I lost my mom 2 years ago and we were the best of friends. I cared for her for 6 months as she was dying, and I curled up in bed with her stroking her proud forehead during her last moments of life, whispering "I love you mama." 

I lost my husband 1 year ago very unexpectedly. No chance to say goodbye, or say "i love you sweetheart," one last time. The shock and grief overwhelmed me. 

After this and the depression that followed, my horse and my dog literally saved my life. If it wasn't for their companionship I fear I would have been lost in the abyss. They gave me a reason to keep living even though the grief was almost too much to bear having lost SO much in such a short span of time.

I lost my beautiful dog, Boo, 6 months ago. I raised her from a pup and she was 14.5 years old when she died. She was my "surrogate daughter" since I had 6 miscarriages and no babies of my own. Again, my horse saved my life. I don't know where I'd be right now if it hadn't been for his gentle companionship and steadfast friendship. 

My best friend, Khaiyaann, has been very ill lately. He almost died 10 days ago. He's 25 1/2 years old now and I know that his time is coming. I know that in the not too distant future I will be grieving his loss just as you are grieving, with a huge hole in my chest that nothing can fill but my sweet gentleman gelding.

I am so sorry for your loss Barry, and you are not alone in the abyss of grief and despair. But the love and trust and deep connection that you 2 shared is not lost forever in the sands of time. The love that you shared brought beauty into our world, for however long or however brief, and made this place a little better off because of it.

I wish you peace, and solace, and healing. You have my prayers.If it gets to be too much, please see your MD to talk about it. I did. And it helped me survive.


----------



## xxBarry Godden

Me, It reads that you've had more than your fair share of grief in a relatively short space of time. 
I sincerely hope you have turned a corner in life and that you will have no more reasons to mourn in the near future. Thank you for sharing your story with me and others who might read this thread.

I am aware that for some riders and owners a horse is merely a horse. But for me a horse can be a unique companion to a human They are not just a means of transport.

Whenever I arrived on the yard, DiDi, when she had heard my car, would look up and trot over. Later when I took her back to her paddock, she’d stand at the gate until I was out of sight. Whenever she was fearful, she would quickly lose any fears if I went over to her. I could read her mind. Without hesitation I could get in close to her both physically and mentally. She was simply a horse who needed to be forgiven. I find that this type of relationship doesn’t develop with every horse. 

Prior to DiDi, I owned Joe, a cob, and over my six years of knowing him, I never dislodged his ’Mum’ - from his affections. Yet it was she who eventually put him to sleep because he was no longer economically viable. He could have lived but he needed lay-off time for rehabilitation. 

Am I in a state of depression? If I am honest with myself - perhaps.

Will I go to the doctor and ask for some pills? No. I’ll work my way through it.

There are some good understanding people around me. There’s plenty of help if I ask for it. And, I must not forget, there are a lot of well wishers out there on the web offering good advice.

Thank you 

Barry G


----------



## waresbear

Condolences on your loss Barry. I wonder if Didi is bossing around our beloved Clip in that pasture of the clouds? When I think of him & look up there, I will look for Didi as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## xxBarry Godden

WB
If she thinks there's a male to boss about - then she'll be there.


----------



## xxBarry Godden

I have been thinking of bringing another horse into my life. With DiDi now a memory and represented by a series of pictures on the wall, there remains a void in my psyche.

The hunt for a replacement is a complex affair - the end act of which is to say 'This one will do'. But the horse you think you see in someone else's field is not necessarily the one which appears on your yard. Take a horse away from its home ground, leave behind its mates, change its routine and the horse will morph into something different. Horses live by routine and familiarity. We all believe we can change the creature but sometimes the horse changes itself and for reasons we cannot always predict.

I spotted a couple of likely applicants for DiDi's stable and made a few phonecalls. Later I worked my way mentally through the criteria for any new horse. Finally I reached the seventh hurdle namely: whether to go ahead. Do I match with the horse's needs in an owner?

Sadly in the cold light of day, with a pencil and paper in front of me, I can see that I don't match up in several major respects. I am kidding myself. It would be irresponsible of me to take on a new horse, especially at my age.

Sad, but true. I must look for another way to fill the void in my day.

Barry G


----------



## thesilverspear

I could see you giving a fantastic home to an older horse who still has some miles left and would enjoy hacking to your pub. This country must be full of them, as everyone wants to buy younger horses. Don't sell yourself short. Any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so really, your boat is not so very different than that of younger horsey folk. I know a fella probably around your age who lost a much-loved horse, then had to retire the horse he bought to replace that one as it was lame and crazy, and then he bought a solid, steady warmblood and he gets so much enjoyment out of that horse. I don't know how much he factored his age into his decision to buy the horse (other than making sure he got something sensible), but I don't think he had any intentions of spending his retirement getting fat and horseless.


----------



## busysmurf

Barry, I'm so sorry for your loss I wish there was more to say other than that.

From the little that I've learned about you from other posts, you can't be much older, if older at all than my parents, and they are both getting back into riding. They are just choosing older horses. You can NEVER replace the love that you've lost, but you CAN find a new one.

~Smurf


----------



## Me and Smiling Horse

Barry Godden said:


> I have been thinking of bringing another horse into my life. With DiDi now a memory and represented by a series of pictures on the wall, there remains a void in my psyche.
> 
> The hunt for a replacement is a complex affair - the end act of which is to say 'This one will do'. But the horse you think you see in someone else's field is not necessarily the one which appears on your yard. Take a horse away from its home ground, leave behind its mates, change its routine and the horse will morph into something different. Horses live by routine and familiarity. We all believe we can change the creature but sometimes the horse changes itself and for reasons we cannot always predict.
> 
> I spotted a couple of likely applicants for DiDi's stable and made a few phonecalls. Later I worked my way mentally through the criteria for any new horse. Finally I reached the seventh hurdle namely: whether to go ahead. Do I match with the horse's needs in an owner?
> 
> Sadly in the cold light of day, with a pencil and paper in front of me, I can see that I don't match up in several major respects. I am kidding myself. It would be irresponsible of me to take on a new horse, especially at my age.
> 
> Sad, but true. I must look for another way to fill the void in my day.
> 
> Barry G


Hey! I agree with other posts! You are selling yourself short! An older horse is a great idea! Not ancient, mind you, but perhaps one that is in need of a good home. There are SO SO SO many older horses that get left behind and forgotten when their athletic abilities begin to wane. I stumbled upon my old boy and that was exactly his scenario, and he desperately needed someone to care for him. He was being left out in a tiny round pen with other horses knee deep in mire starving to death. He knows high level dressage, and he ended up like THAT! 

There are so many horses out there in need, and I'm sure you can find one who's a good fit for you! To be perfectly honest, I think my boy outshines me! I don't know dressage... His education is better than mine in regards to that... BUT I love him and I care for him faithfully every single day rain or shine whatever.

Please don't close your mind to the possibilities... With an open mind and an open heart you may stumble upon a wonderful fit and a very good friend.


----------



## xxBarry Godden

*The Cheque*

*The Cheque
*Our postman usually delivers to the house early in the afternoon and mostly these days there is little mail worth going to collect from the postbox. The weekend delivery is rarely anything but junk mail. So it was early evening before I even bothered to check the box. For a change there was one single envelope on the back of which was the address of the sender, namely the company with whom my very sick horse, DiDi has been insured.

The insurers have been very good and they supported all of the treatment of DiDi suggested by the vet. Yes, I had to pay a contribution, but the insurers settled the bulk of the invoices, even the final charge for the disposal of the carcass The paper trail was sometimes a puzzle to follow but invariably it was the veterinary practice who was slow or lax with the paperwork called for by the process. However the important thing was that DiDi received all of the treatment which was needed to identify and hopefully cure her health isssue(s). Sadly, as yet there is no effective treatment for lung cancer in horses.

Under the British system the horse is insured for a named value - in DiDi’s case, what I had paid four years ago to buy her, almost $8000. There are several exclusions but there is a clause in the policy under which compensation would be paid for ‘loss of horse‘. The key factor is usually that the vet eventually proscribes : ‘PTS’ - in words: ‘put to sleep‘. At the beginning of DiDi’s treatment I had re-read the policy document and I had vaguely wondered whether in the fatal event I would be due for re-imbursement under this clause. Suddenly it seemed I was eligible, for there, inside today’s envelope, was a cheque for the equivalent of $8000. The insurers had paid all of the vet’s bills and now were paying me for loss of use. I had to commend them for their service as not all insurance companies in the horse industry pay out in this exemplary way. I can have absolutely no complaints about DiDi’s insurers and I would recommend them heartily.

As I walked up to the house, the memories leading up to her demise all came back to me. My jaw puckered up as I revisited mental images of her last moments with me. I remembered some of those moments of despair. Slowly as the tears formed in my eyes I lost temporarily the ability to both see and speak. In the house my wife asked what was in the post but I could not find my way to answering, so I passed the envelope over to her. She saw that I, a grown man of pension age, had to turn away and hide my face in embarrassment. 

I did not really want the money in lieu; I wanted my horse back. I did not want someone else’s horse; I wanted my own. I cannot have again the relationship which I had with DiDi. She was something different. What good to me is a cheque? It is a small scrap of paper. 

Probably I shall pay the money into a special tax free savings scheme. If I promise not to draw the money out, at the end of a year the bank will credit my account with about $200. DiDi was worth far more to me than a lousy $200. Her value to me was worth far more than mere money. 

Actually she was costing something almost $8000 a year to keep in the splendour to which she had become accustomed. There were the costs for livery, feed, supplements, shoeing, chiro-massage, training, teeth and the odd item of new tack, which she simply had to have. There were diesel and transport charges, vet’s bills, insurance costs and medications for those odd little ailments which a vet cannot be bothered to treat. There were also competition fees and membership fees. And I must not forget the cost of travelling over the toll bridge to her stable yard. Keeping a competition horse in the UK is an expensive business, if it is done properly.

It was planned for DiDi to be my hobby in retirement. She was my equine companion. She was the cornerstone of my day. She was a talking point and a constant topic of conversation with friends. She was a never ending conundrum. She was a worry. She was a joy to watch and a pleasure to handle. Everybody who saw her, said how beautiful she was. Some even knew how sensitive she was to ride. And she was mine

So I immediately sat down and sent an email back to the insurers. In it I thanked them for the cheque and I asked if there was any way I could have my horse back instead of the money. 

But I cannot see that as an option in the insurance policy document.


----------



## xxBarry Godden

*A Visir to the Physio*

*DiDi a visit to the Physio*
I thought I’d let you all know how things have worked out over the last couple of months.

This story of ‘DiDi and Whither goeth She? ’ was very much a part of me for a year or more. As she made her way up through the levels of dressage I was enthralled to watch and record her progress. Then as I became aware that something, somewhere was wrong with her, I started to watch her even more closely and I attempted to probe into her mind. I could sense that there was something bugging her. Then, together with the Countess, the vet and various horsey friends, we came to realise that the likely cause of her odd behaviour was pain. Eventually we discovered it was a combination of ulcers and lung disease. Finally at the end of May 2012 I had to make the decision to have her put down.
That story has been told. 

Long before the end came I had started to get tearful. What would happen was that I would be talking to someone, maybe even a perfect stranger to me, and the topic of conversation would come round to that of horses. Immediately I would feel an attack - for that is what it was - coming on. My chin would pucker, my voice would catch and the next thing I knew was that I would be crying. Tears would be coming from the corners of my eyes and dribbling down my cheek. |Suddenly I would be unable, physically, to speak. The person with whom I was talking would become embarrassed. I’d have to turn away, hesitate, take control of myself and then turn back to continue the conversation be it in a different, almost broken, tone of voice. Often I would break down again. 

I had thought that when I had put DiDi’s things away that matters would get better. Surely I’d stop being tearful. Her things are now packed away. The bills have all been paid. The insurance company has even paid me back the original cost of her purchase. Her Grandee saddle is now with a sales agent. Her bridles, her mouthing bits, my riding gear, a couple of horse blankets and all the various items of paraphernalia of horse ownership accumulated over decades, are all wrapped up in polythene and have been carefully packed into containers. You never know I might need them again one day. Her stable remains empty. There are also some other momentoes of other horses in my life: a favoured bridle set worn by Puddy; a blue and white halter bought in the US forty years ago and used with most of the horses in my life. Carefully protected there is my old soft top brown saddle with the heavy steel tree which I bought originally for my long dead palomino cob. Such items become heirlooms. Maybe those items can be buried alongside me.

Of course, there have been several offers from friends for me to work with horses and even to ride if I feel so doing. Luckily I haven’t been offered a suitable black hairy cob gelding like Joe nor a fancy dapple grey mare like DiDi. Although I know where there is a tidy black hairy cob but he is a bit small and he is a sharp little chap. I often watch him graze through the upstairs bedroom window. He is owned by a young girl who, whilst growing fast, needs a bigger horse. Regardless the boyo is young - perhaps too young and too small for me. Meanwhile I must be very careful not to look at the ‘horse for sales’ sites - especially where I might read about a heavily set hairy cob gelding. 

My problem now arises from my own sense of responsibility. I am ageing fast and as a result none of my close friends or family will give me any encouragement to buy another horse. Borrowing someone else’s horse would also prove to be difficult as I have my own old fashioned ideas as to how horses should be handled. Another acquaintance, who might well be short of cash, is getting quite pushy about taking on her mare who has a similar temperament to DiDi’s. But I sense the mare’s problems stem from the owner and the conditions under which the horse is kept. Anyway my sharing a horse would be a bit like sharing my wife, who incidentally is also very much against my buying another horse.

Today an unexpected event was illuminating. I had walked the dogs up in the woods where I used to ride with Joe. On the way back I passed by the picnic area and there parked was a horse box with two cobs tied up alongside. I simply had to go over and look see. One of the riders was a young woman in her late twenties and a man who could easily have been her father. I approached and asked to say hello to the heavy set bay cob who turned out to be 18yo gelding. He was calm and eating some hay after his morning’s ride through the woods. 

Suddenly an attack came on and I was in tears. Yet I hadn’t said much more than: ‘Hello’ This time is was my whole face which was quivering as if I were ill. Instinctively, I suppose, the young woman put her arm around my shoulders. I had to stop, take my breath, concentrate and speak. I managed to get control of myself - just - although the breakdown happened again just a few minutes later. I tried to explain to this perfect stranger that I knew well the woods from horseback and that my horse had recently died. All she could offer in reply were platitudes but what more could I expect from her. I cut short my stay and drove home. By the time I reached home I was back to normal - until perhaps the next time.

Recently I had to go visit a physiotherapist. Despite the Pilates exercises, lack of riding exercise is weakening the muscle structure around my lower back - probably as a result of previous falls. Nowadays if I sit for too long, I stiffen up when I try to stand. I find it hard to get comfortable in order to sleep at night. Apparently my spine is bent sideways and the therapist needs to see some test results before she can suggest some exercises. There is a term for the condition called ‘scoliosis‘. It can’t be cured but you can learn to live with the aches and pains. An appointment has been made with the hospital for an X-ray.

However as she took down some medical notes, she could see that there was something else bothering me. Slowly but surely she, yet another perfect stranger, provoked me into talking about DiDi . I suppose it wasn’t really difficult for her. Eventually came the 100$ question: ‘Had I recently met with a psychologist?’ My answer was a sharp; ’No - any doctor would first offer me pills‘. 
She continued to probe. 

My final reply to the kindly lady was essentially: ‘I know what’s wrong - all I want is my horse back’.
She smiled knowingly and said she’d write me a letter for the doctor.

DiDi may be gone from this earthly world - but as yet she hasn’t vacated full possession of my head and I seriously wonder if she ever will.


----------



## gunslinger

Barry, did you ever stop to think your wife doesn't want you to take another horse because of the way Di Di's loss has affected you?

I fear your dieing of a broken heart. Maybe she does to.

DiDi really meant a lot to you and she was a lucky horse to have you miss her so much. My guess is horses are in your blood and you won't be happy without another one. There can be another special horse in your life all you have to do is open your heart again. 

By the way, how old are you? The neighbor down the street was on his roof the other day tacking down shingles. He's 88.....man, I hope I can do that when I'm 88.


----------



## Clayton Taffy

I was driving down the highway two days ago and I spotted a horse trailer up ahead, I always try to catch up to a horse trailer to see what is inside.
I caught up to this open stock trailer and there was the most exquisite dappled gray rear end I have seen in quite a long time, and I thought of your DiDi, then I thought of you.
Best wishes to you.


----------



## xxBarry Godden

Guns, there is a saying in English: 'to have a good innings'. It is an expression used in the game of cricket to say that the batsman at the wicket has played a good game for a reasonable time. That's me really.

I am 73. To be that age and still be even able to ride a horse is some achievment and maybe I should not be greedy.

As all of us grow older slowly but slowly our bodies start to wear out. Mine is definitely showing signs of wear and tear. Some of the issues are in our minds and we must fight them off. However the little things like humping about bales of hay or straw become difficult. 
The reactions slow down. Sometimes when working DiDi I would hang on when perhaps I should have let go.
In my case, as an effect of some pills I have to take for an old man's health issue, sometimes I experience a brief loss of balance. 
At other times I am fine although the Pilates exercises are essential to keep the joints moving. 

In the cupboard there is a very expensive protective jacket - designed to provide padding over the spine but several key areas are still left exposed - the knees, the elbows and the very base of the spine. It is also a cumbersome thing to wear and as a result I have only worn it a couple of times.

All in all, commonsense tells me to give up. I remember Kennie Ross, a 
busted up Canadian rodeo rider who shipped over to England in 1942 to fight Hitler and who didn't expect to survive the war. But he did. So when he was demobbed he stayed on in the UK, married an English girl (who nagged a bit) and started up a Western riding club. By the time I met him his walk was crab like. All of his body parts were stuck together but not necessarily at quite the correct angle. Out of the saddle he waddled like a duck. In the saddle he could cope. We moved away and I lost touch with the old bu**gar but I think of him a lot these days.

The sensible thing to do is to give up horses. There is no question about that really. I suppose I am hanging on in the hope I might find a partner
- preferably a young man with whom I could share a horse. Sadly I don't know one suitable for the position. Perhaps I should have thought of that 
twenty five years ago.

Luckily in old age I have discovered writing. There is some pressure on me to publish but it is not that easy to find an old fashioned publisher and yet again I am at the wrong time of life to start. But the hobby of writing makes more commonsense at my age than riding. We'll see.

Just a tip: as you get older, make sure you 'create' a protogee to follow on. 

B G


----------



## gunslinger

You know you don't have to ride a horse.....how about a carriage?

We ride often in the mountains of East Tennessee, and frequently we see several teams.

I've thought that when I'm to old to saddle ride I might find a buggy....I always liked the one John Wayne took Lauren Bacall for a ride in the shootist.

Adapt, overcome......


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## Walkamile

Ah, dear Barry, I thought that perhaps there was a bit more going on. The devastating loss of your lovely DiDi was truly that, devastating. But, upon reading your latest post, there it was, I suppose, the bit that brought it all together. At this stage in your life, age as well as health, you have said goodbye to not just your lovely DiDi, but to any other DiDi or Joe that may cross paths with you. Good bye to the bit of your life that gave you part of your unique definition. 

But , dear Barry, all your wonderful stories about your many and varied experiences are always to be with you . I'm sure it doesn't comfort you, but you have lived in ways most could only dream of. Oh, how I envision trotting my Walka to the local pub for something cold. But, there isn't a local pub, and it simply won't be. 

I very recently said good bye to my trusted and much loved girl T. Too soon, but I , like you , had to do what was best for her, not necessarily for me. But, unlike you, I have Walka, T's last foal (14 yrs old now) to occupy, no if truth be told, demand my time and energy. I haven't had to make the decision to forgo that part of my life that has been like a dream come true for me. 

I can see the reality of where you are, but I can also see the experience and view that you have to share. I hope you continue to share both with us. 

And Barry, if I have overstepped and presumed incorrectly, please forgive me. I, as many here, have been very concerned with the deep grief you have been dealing with and the effects it can have on health. 

You are a dear soul, and I wish you peace and comfort. 

Tess


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## xxBarry Godden

No Walkamile, you didn't over step the mark. What you wrote was very appropriate and I thank you for your kind words. 

Barry


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## xxBarry Godden

Guns, on this relatively small island, the lanes are too narrow and the hedgerows too high to ever think of driving a cart unless one knows how to drive and owns the horse which has been schooled and which has the necessary temperament.
No, I must keep my eyes open for both a horse and even more importantly a protoge. 

It is said that time is a great healer. Exactly how long is 'time'?

Barry


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## eclipseranch

Barry Godden said:


> Guns, there is a saying in English: 'to have a good innings'. It is an expression used in the game of cricket to say that the batsman at the wicket has played a good game for a reasonable time. That's me really.
> 
> I am 73. To be that age and still be even able to ride a horse is some achievment and maybe I should not be greedy.
> 
> As all of us grow older slowly but slowly our bodies start to wear out. Mine is definitely showing signs of wear and tear. Some of the issues are in our minds and we must fight them off. However the little things like humping about bales of hay or straw become difficult.
> The reactions slow down. Sometimes when working DiDi I would hang on when perhaps I should have let go.
> In my case, as an effect of some pills I have to take for an old man's health issue, sometimes I experience a brief loss of balance.
> At other times I am fine although the Pilates exercises are essential to keep the joints moving.
> 
> In the cupboard there is a very expensive protective jacket - designed to provide padding over the spine but several key areas are still left exposed - the knees, the elbows and the very base of the spine. It is also a cumbersome thing to wear and as a result I have only worn it a couple of times.
> 
> All in all, commonsense tells me to give up. I remember Kennie Ross, a
> busted up Canadian rodeo rider who shipped over to England in 1942 to fight Hitler and who didn't expect to survive the war. But he did. So when he was demobbed he stayed on in the UK, married an English girl (who nagged a bit) and started up a Western riding club. By the time I met him his walk was crab like. All of his body parts were stuck together but not necessarily at quite the correct angle. Out of the saddle he waddled like a duck. In the saddle he could cope. We moved away and I lost touch with the old bu**gar but I think of him a lot these days.
> 
> The sensible thing to do is to give up horses. There is no question about that really. I suppose I am hanging on in the hope I might find a partner
> - preferably a young man with whom I could share a horse. Sadly I don't know one suitable for the position. Perhaps I should have thought of that
> twenty five years ago.
> 
> Luckily in old age I have discovered writing. There is some pressure on me to publish but it is not that easy to find an old fashioned publisher and yet again I am at the wrong time of life to start. But the hobby of writing makes more commonsense at my age than riding. We'll see.
> 
> Just a tip: as you get older, make sure you 'create' a protogee to follow on.
> 
> B G


Barry I was saddened until I read to the end of this post. Oh my gosh, sir, with the greatest of admiration & heartfelt request...please do not "give up" put your experiences in writing..find a publisher...heck blog it if you have to...Your ability to write and make your reader feel what you feel, see what you see, hear what you hear is incredible! It may be very healing, not only to you but someone who reads it your journey with DiDi..all that you remember..her nicker sound, her eyes, good times & bad. It may sound corny but God gave you to DiDi and now DiDi gives you to us. Please write!!! It is your gift....it is our gift and I thank you for it!!


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## xxBarry Godden

Eclipse, I do feel very flattered by your kind words about my writing. Thank you.

It is not easy to find an old fashioned publisher these days - yes one could self publish if I could find some professional help but my work needs a critique by an old fashioned publisher. There are literally a few hundred articles which have been written and which sit in this computor awaiting presentation to the reader.

I'll not be giving up writing nor my link with the horse forum.

Barry


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## canterburyhorsetrailrider

We humans form a love and trust bond with a horse, when they are in their paddock we look after their needs, keep feed and water up to them, cover them in winter, remove in summer, they.. the horse in return looks after us when we are on their back... its a contact of sorts...

Where in this contract is the clause saying someone or something can come take the horse away from us..

Its one of the hardest things I have had to also deal with recently...!

The passing of a such loved horse is hard to bare..

My heart goes out to you in your loss..!

Tony


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## ohmyitschelle

I've just read all this now, tears streaming down my face and completely in awe with yourself, your story and have always admired DiDi whenever I saw her on this forum. I'm too speechless to form anything appropriate, but I have complete respect and admiration for you. 

And as a fellow writer, I *urge *you to search with your pen firmly in your hand for a way to be published. You are an inspiration and a true talent to find. 
I wish I could say more, but I'm just so wrapped up in the world you've offered for us all to take a look at. The imagery is powerful and overwhelming, much like DiDi was on your life.

Although it's hardly relateable to horses, I just lost my Father suddenly in a car accident. So I can understand the frustrations of paper work with insurers, and knowing his will is being sorted, I just wish I could shove the money at someone and beg for my Dad instead. I guess that's why the tears are still running so freely.

Take care and I'm so sorry for your loss.


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## xxBarry Godden

Ohmy. Thank you for your kind words. 
Please accept my own condolences to you for the loss of your Dad.

The sad truth is that sooner or later, all of we humans have to cope with the loss of a soul mate, Then we quickly discover that the void left by his,her or it's passing leaves, can be impossible to fill. However as long as the memory of that soul mate lives on in our mind, then they have not yet passed on and left us for ever - have they? We can still talk to them. The only difference is that they never answer back. Although after a time, that doesn't seem to matter.

As for your point about publishing , I've considered the idea be it traditional, or by self publishing. As yet I can't see how it will improve on what I have here on HF. We HF members are mostly of similar persuasion in the matter of horses and already I feel that in numerous cases I know the person at the other end of the keyboard. What would a blog or a computorised book give me that I don't enjoy already?

And as for a traditional bound book - I fear that with the advance of the internet they may be going a similar route towards redundancy as newspapers. 
No, all matters considered, I shall bide my time on blogs & publication for the moment.

With DiDi now gone, maybe I'll have to think up some 'fiction' rather than relate fact under 'non-fiction'. DiDi is unlikely to give up residence in my head, so she might just as well earn her keep by provoking my imagination. Then there are all those other true stories about other horses which I haven't told you yet.

See, I have no reason to be depressed. I just need some time.

Barry G


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## eclipseranch

Barry Godden said:


> And as for a traditional bound book - I fear that with the advance of the internet they may be going a similar route towards redundancy as newspapers.
> No, all matters considered, I shall bide my time on blogs & publication for the moment.
> 
> With DiDi now gone, maybe I'll have to think up some 'fiction' rather than relate fact under 'non-fiction'. DiDi is unlikely to give up residence in my head, so she might just as well earn her keep by provoking my imagination. Then there are all those other true stories about other horses which I haven't told you yet.
> 
> See, I have no reason to be depressed. I just need some time.
> 
> Barry G


then I will wait and look forward to reading your stories on here..may be selfish of me to ask..but please don't wait too long..Kay?!


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## gunslinger

Barry, I going to tell you the story of why we have horses. I don't share this often and like you, well it brings back lots of memories and the emotions that go with it.

My wife of 28 years had a son named Greg. He was my stepson and although not my blood, I raised him from age six and I loved him like he was mine.

About 5 years ago I was away for work, in Atlanta, when my wife called. She could barely talk, crying like a baby. Her only child, her wonderful son, was dead at 31.

She quit her job and sat in her chair, not the passionate woman I married but rather, someone who lost her will to go on. She didn't move for days and days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I though she was just going to sit in that chair and wait to die herself.

She had always wanted a horse and we had a couple of horses some twenty years in the past and I was desperate to find something to heal her heart. So I bought her a colt at 4 days old. She visited him several times a week until he was old enough to bring home.

When we got Jack, her colt, she met some other gals who asked her to ride with them and needless to say she didn't have a horse to ride, so, she got Sonny. 

Well, she got to having so much fun that she decided I should join them, so, I thought if I must I'm going to ride a Cadillac, so I bought my walking mare Lacy. Lacy and I didn't hit it off immediately, but slowly, over time, we worked though her issues and wow, I never dreamed I'd love a horse so much. 

I know the pain this is causing you because I've been to the depths of despair myself.

So, how do you heal a broken heart? With a horse. My wife will never be the same, but she's enjoying life again, and we ride most every weekend except for the hottest months of the summer.

She's passionate about her horses, and the spark is slowly returning.

So, how do you heal a broken heart? With a horse. Your heart will heal in time. How long is time? That's up to you but I know that it's possible for you to re-kindle the passion you have for DiDi. No, there will never be another DiDi.

I know there is a horse that's just waiting for someone like you to care for it. Who knows, it might steal your heart just like DiDi did. I guess that's up to you.


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## eclipseranch

gunslinger said:


> Barry, I going to tell you the story of why we have horses. I don't share this often and like you, well it brings back lots of memories and the emotions that go with it.
> 
> My wife of 28 years had a son named Greg. He was my stepson and although not my blood, I raised him from age six and I loved him like he was mine.
> 
> About 5 years ago I was away for work, in Atlanta, when my wife called. She could barely talk, crying like a baby. Her only child, her wonderful son, was dead at 31.
> 
> She quit her job and sat in her chair, not the passionate woman I married but rather, someone who lost her will to go on. She didn't move for days and days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I though she was just going to sit in that chair and wait to die herself.
> 
> She had always wanted a horse and we had a couple of horses some twenty years in the past and I was desperate to find something to heal her heart. So I bought her a colt at 4 days old. She visited him several times a week until he was old enough to bring home.
> 
> When we got Jack, her colt, she met some other gals who asked her to ride with them and needless to say she didn't have a horse to ride, so, she got Sonny.
> 
> Well, she got to having so much fun that she decided I should join them, so, I thought if I must I'm going to ride a Cadillac, so I bought my walking mare Lacy. Lacy and I didn't hit it off immediately, but slowly, over time, we worked though her issues and wow, I never dreamed I'd love a horse so much.
> 
> I know the pain this is causing you because I've been to the depths of despair myself.
> 
> So, how do you heal a broken heart? With a horse. My wife will never be the same, but she's enjoying life again, and we ride most every weekend except for the hottest months of the summer.
> 
> She's passionate about her horses, and the spark is slowly returning.
> 
> So, how do you heal a broken heart? With a horse. Your heart will heal in time. How long is time? That's up to you but I know that it's possible for you to re-kindle the passion you have for DiDi. No, there will never be another DiDi.
> 
> I know there is a horse that's just waiting for someone like you to care for it. Who knows, it might steal your heart just like DiDi did. I guess that's up to you.


beautifully said Gunslinger. blessings to you and your wife for the loss of your son


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## xxBarry Godden

Guns - you tell an emotional story and I am sure that if we lived close together we would become good friends. 

What you say about some horses having the ability to fill a void in a person's life is very true. I have witnessed examples so often. In the livery yard which adjoins my property I can name at least four women who perhaps keep a horse as an alternative to forming a relationship with a person. I can understand why.

Presently there are some situations revolving around the young female friend of mine who trained DiDi for competitive dressage. Hers is a sad tale and it has to be resolved. It is her story to tell, not mine. But there are four horses involved and one other which left the group and which may now return. There might be a role for me there.

I am a great believer that if they are given a chance animals find their humans - if they are given the chance. My key problems at this moment are to find a 'cure' for my own health issues, two of which inhibit me from climbing up into the saddle. My spine is bent and my sleep pattern is utterly disturbed.

As you guessed my wife of 47 years is not keen to see me take on a new horse. She doesn't think I am fit- physically or mentally- to take on the responsibility.
Time may bring a solution to these issues. We shall see.

At this moment there is no immediate decision for me to make - so I am not going to make one.

But thank you for your concern. I recognise my problems and I am working on finding cures.

Talk with you later.
Barry


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## xxBarry Godden

*What might have been*

An update of news:

It was my stuntman friend’s 80th birthday and his celebratory party was held at my friends property - she was the one who takes in retired horses and who had offered to take in DiDi at the end. It was a beautiful day, even though my wife and I had spent some six hours driving across to her place and back. We had a delightful lunch and spent almost five hours gossiping about the past. With hindsight most of the afternoon was spent talking about the horses which we have owned and known. I had taken a photograph album across to jog the memories of all present. Anyway, my stuntman friend has numerous anecdotes to tell of his past life amongst horses and film stars but I cannot yet persuade him to let me ghostwrite the book. He claims to know too many secrets - as well he might.

DiDi was not on the discussion list, even though this very homestead was the one in which she would have spent her last days. Before we left the party, I had to say ‘Goodbye’ to my friend and of course it was appropriate for me to say to her: “Thank you for your kind offer to take DiDi in“. I barely managed to get the words out, when my face started to pucker up again and my eyes began to water. For a couple of moments, yet again for the umpteenth time, I couldn’t speak.

We had just spent a beautiful sunny afternoon, amidst a lush green valley surrounded by all of nature’s beauty. Home Counties England can be a glorious setting for any house, particularly if there is a fast flowing stream running at the end of a striped plush lawn which feeds into a large fish pond aerated by a tall tinkling fountain. The sixteen century house itself is quite splendid but today it was the delight of the patio, over looking most of the tree studded valley, which made the day memorable. Apart from the chatter of the guests the only noise had been that of the wild birds.

Before I left my friend took me to one side and said that both she and her husband, who are both recently retired, had officially marked me down in their Wills to look after their animals should there ever be a need. At any one time amongst the menagerie living on the property there are horses, dogs,
chickens, ducks and numerous wild visitors such as deer, foxes, hares and rabbits. All of these creatures recognise this quiet property as a place of sanctuary. I replied “of course - I’d be honoured“. On the way home I mused over the responsibility which had been passed over to me.

But what a day it might have been if only DiDi had been grazing in the nearby pasture which had been allocated to her in the event that she could have made the journey to this beautiful place.


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## busysmurf

Barry,

I just want to give you a BIG hug!! I've never met you, basically never even had a conversation with, but yet know a very small piece of you, and therefore like others here, I want to make it all better for you.

There are many amazing stories here of how others have coped with their losses. All are similiar and just as important in their own way, though not the same as yours. Someday, you will tell the story of DiDi & yourself to another who has lost, and it will be similiar and just as important in it's own way, yet not the same as the others loss. And I just know that you know this.

I'm going to probably insert my foot into my mouth here, but you say your body seems to be failing you in a sense. My question is, how is that different from a "younger" person who's body has failed them? Yet, they still find a way to enjoy the "physical" activities in their life that bring them joy. They just make the approriate accomidations. My mom can barely use her left knee, so she mounts on the off side and rides a shorter horse. My cousin has to many responsiblities right now to give full time care to a horse, so she volunteers at the local equine rescue. Both make adjustments accordingly, and bring happiness to themselves and to a horse, even if not every day.

I know we've all been saying to "get right back on the horse". And from what I understand (maybe I'm wrong), but going near a horse brings to many emotions, which makes you at times uncomfortable. But have you ever considered that maybe they are the ones that will listen & understand best? Who's to say that a 4-legged fuzzy hay burner's mane makes the best tissue. They could care less if you get snot all over it. It doesn't need to be your fuzzy, or even a friends, sometimes talking to a stranger is the most helpful (umm, we are on an internet forum, we just aren't fuzzy...I think. 

Those fuzzy's have been there, and yet they let you feel your emotions without judgement or feedback. They stand there and allow us to let it out of our system, as if to say "go ahead, let it out. Blow your nose on me, hang onto me like never before. Because I know that you feel this way because my kind is loved by you. And no 2-legged animal can give you the medicine to help, but I can in the way I smell, the way I feel, the way I breath, the way I move my body so you can feel me holding onto you. I can't cure what makes you hurt, but I will try harder than anyone you have met to make it better a little at a time."


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## xxBarry Godden

Busy
Horses have this unique ability to hurt those who care - even unwittingly.

On the yard which adjoins our property, an absolutely stunning warmblood x mare was kicked the other day by a 17 hand hunter. There was no reason why they should ever have met. "A gate had come open" - so someone said. The leg swelled up and when the vet was first called, he gave the horse a full two hours of his time. 
When 24 hours later the horse showed signs of colic he came back, and back and back - four times in one day. Incredible service. He knew the little horse might not make it.

Today the horse though starving is hanging on. It is walking about - it's a little stiff but otherwise OK. The owner dare not feed her more than a handful of hay,once opon every hour. That same vet has revisited the yard twice because the mare is something special. She has an exceptional temperament and she is only three and has not yet been backed. Her life lies before her and has yet to be experienced - if ever she gets the chance. 

The vet's bill will be enormous because of the numerous visits, the inspections, the injections, the bandages - the tender loving care and this time from a complete stranger - a rather special male vet who wears a pig tail and who drives a battered, bent old van.

In this horse game, emotion comes at you from all directions.

The little mare ls indeed something very special. And she is going through all this commotion because some incompetent, useless idiot left a gate open -he/she probably did not bother to check the catch on the field gate.

As a result this little bay horse will bear the scars of incompetence for the rest of her life - if she makes it.

When will these idiot people learn?


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## busysmurf

Barry Godden said:


> Busy
> Horses have this unique ability to hurt those who care - even unwittingly.
> 
> On the yard which adjoins our property, an absolutely stunning warmblood x mare was kicked the other day by a 17 hand hunter. There was no reason why they should ever have met. "A gate had come open" - so someone said. The leg swelled up and when the vet was first called, he gave the horse a full two hours of his time.
> When 24 hours later the horse showed signs of colic he came back, and back and back - four times in one day. Incredible service. He knew the little horse might not make it.
> 
> Today the horse though starving is hanging on. It is walking about - it's a little stiff but otherwise OK. The owner dare not feed her more than a handful of hay,once opon every hour. That same vet has revisited the yard twice because the mare is something special. She has an exceptional temperament and she is only three and has not yet been backed. Her life lies before her and has yet to be experienced - if ever she gets the chance.
> 
> The vet's bill will be enormous because of the numerous visits, the inspections, the injections, the bandages - the tender loving care and this time from a complete stranger - a rather special male vet who wears a pig tail and who drives a battered, bent old van.
> 
> In this horse game, emotion comes at you from all directions.
> 
> The little mare ls indeed something very special. And she is going through all this commotion because some incompetent, useless idiot left a gate open -he/she probably did not bother to check the catch on the field gate.
> 
> As a result this little bay horse will bear the scars of incompetence for the rest of her life - if she makes it.
> 
> When will these idiot people learn?


I COMPLETELY agree w/ everything you said! But one must admit, they also make AMAZING tissues & snot rags. And they don't ask what type of relationship you have with your wife, mother, father.

For every heartache and pain they (horses in general) have caused us (those who care for them, they have the ability to heal wounds as well....if we allow them to. Otherwise, why would we be willing to give them our money, our time, at times our trust, ourselves if the ONLY thing they did was hurt us?

It's up to those of us, who like yourself, are most hurt by any injustice to them (mistreatment, injury, illness, or death) to allow them to be what they are meant to be, a teacher, a friend, a healer.

I learned a long time ago, the world is not all kind or fair (you of course know this), but no matter how mistreated a horse has been in the past, they know when those who are kind at heart need them most. There's no guarantee they will act the same when you ask something of them physical, but they will listen when we ask something of their heart.


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## LoveHipHop

I'm very sorry to hear of your sad loss


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## jaydee

Barry - So sorry to hear that you have had to say goodbye to your lovely horse. I was so impressed with the way you took the responsibility to be with her all the way through
Someone will be smiling down at you for that I'm sure.


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## With Grace

I just saw this thread, and am so sad for you and your mare. Hope you are finding comfort in that bond that you had with each other.


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