# It just keeps getting better *VENT**LONG*



## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Honestly, right now I just want to run around screaming and cursing anything alive and anything not alive so I think it's safe to say I am not in a good mood right now... Not that that's any different from normal lately.

Around 11 weeks ago I fell over. Just simply fell over backwards and landed on one arm while trying to protect my previously dislocated left shoulder blade. I had no feeling in my right thumb/hand/wrist all the way to my elbow for a day, and when I got the feeling back it was really sore, so of course, I went and got it checked. They didn't xray, they just told me that I had likely damaged some tendons on my arm and that it would self-resolve in the next few weeks. I accepted that and went about daily life, with some pain. The pain I could handle, because I am in pain 24/7 anyway thanks to scoliosis and uneven/oddly sized pelvis so this was just another leaf in my booklet, so to speak.

A few weeks later, it wasn't getting any better, and I am training to be a vet nurse, so I need the use of both arms... I'm also right-handed, and I can't write due to the inability to use my thumb and wrist*brilliant*. I went to my own hospital and they sent me for x-rays, which come back clear, but they had a query about the scaphoid bone, so they put me in plaster while waiting for a radiologists report.
A week later the report was back, no breaks, possible tendon/ligament/muscle damage, so I was then put on ACC and sent off for physiotherapy. I had that 2x weekly with no effect apart from making my bank account shrivel and gasp. I went back to my own personal doctor and he referred me to a pain specialist.

The pain specialist sent me for an MRI, which was about the most painful thing I have had done in a hospital, due to being strapped to a table for almost 2 hours completely immobile, my back and shoulder hated me for that one and I was almost crying in pain by the time they finished the scan... and I don't cry from pain very often.

I failed two practical exams in this time due to not being able to hold things correctly, and also failed several written papers due to needing a reader writer, and my anxiety getting the better of me when needing to tell the reader writer what I wanted written down. I gave up on reader writers and suffered through the pain of writing, where I still failed exams due to having to stop writing from the pain and non-cooperation of my thumb while holding a pen. Eventually I just gave up and just kind of went "ohwell... Ffff this, I'm done."

School holidays time... YAY, think I would catch a break right? Not so much, I got violently ill on the last day of term and didn't get to hand in two assignments, it has now been a week and 4 days since I first got sick, and I'm only just coming right now. I've had blood tests and doctors appointments, and now my doctor is on holiday so I have to wait for my results until next week, the first week of term 3. I'm knackered, physically and mentally, I don't want to go back to course anymore, even though I loved what I was doing, I've just had enough.

Today, I had another appointment with the pain specialist, as it turns out, I will be needing surgery on my hand due to one of the ligaments attached to my thumb having been torn and detached from my thumb. Well that's just great *cue the violent cursing and breaking of household items*, so now I'm waiting for an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon to discuss the procedure that will take place, and everything else that goes with surgery.

I'm so sick of this, not only is my physical health crap, but my mental health is going downhill fast with no way of stopping. I have had depression and anxiety in the past, and I know **** well that my depression is back worse than it's ever been, it has been for months but up until recently I've been able to hide it from people, now I get the questions "are you ok?" "what's wrong?" "I think you should go home." from my tutors, my doctors, the pain specialist, and friends. The only people that haven't seen it, or are turning a blind eye, is my family, who I live with.

I'm so sick of having to put on a happy face because I hate the questions that people ask and the things that they say, because usually I can hold it together until I'm asked a question, but apparently, my exterior has been cracking lately and I'm not holding it together as well as I thought.

I can't even ride because I can't hold a set of reins, or do up a girth. Now that really gets to me, because that's the only thing that was keeping my depression at bay, and now that's been taken away from me. This always happens. Maybe I should just sell the horses and forget I ever had them, they deserve better anyway.
And I have to wait another week to see my doctor because he's on holiday, so my blood test results and everything will have to wait, i was really hoping I would get an appointment for tomorrow because I'm really not coping in any aspect of the word.
I'm tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of constantly fighting one battle after another, or several battles all at once. Constantly. But I feel like an idiot because I know there are people worse off than me and here's me sitting here complaining.

Cookies to anybody who read that, I know it's extremely long and it's not exactly the happiest of posts I've ever written.


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## busysmurf (Feb 16, 2012)

<3 PM me if you need to. I'm just on my phone & can't type a lot


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## Kotori (Jun 18, 2012)

I need to stop reading posts like this...I'm all hyped and ready to help, only to realise they live so far away from me :evil:

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I'm too far away to help :-(


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Thanks guys, it means a lot it really does. I just have no idea where to go from here. It's like I'm walking up the side of a cliff and every step I make in any direction sends me downhill in a landslide.


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## MissingStar (Feb 20, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are going through such tough times. I also have scoliosis and struggle with depression. Dealing with the two conditions on a daily basis whilst trying to maintain a normal, regular life like everyone else is living can certainly take it out of you both physically and mentally. Throw extra c**p into the mix and it's no wonder you feel like you do. 

I haven't been allowed to ride for months as I've been blacking out (turns out now I have a dicky heart). I have spent many sleepless nights wondering if I should give the horses up as some days I barely have the strength to groom them. In truth, they're perfectly happy lazing around on their extended summer holiday and I know that without them right now I'd probably fall apart completely. I am hopeful that with time and appropriate treatment things will improve, as they will for you, too.

It's not fair and you deserve so much better, but you will get through this, one step at a time, as no doubt you have overcome hurdles in your life before.

Feel free to PM me. Wishing you all the very best on your road to recovery. X


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

MissingStar said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through such tough times. I also have scoliosis and struggle with depression. Dealing with the two conditions on a daily basis whilst trying to maintain a normal, regular life like everyone else is living can certainly take it out of you both physically and mentally. Throw extra c**p into the mix and it's no wonder you feel like you do.
> 
> I haven't been allowed to ride for months as I've been blacking out (turns out now I have a dicky heart). I have spent many sleepless nights wondering if I should give the horses up as some days I barely have the strength to groom them. In truth, they're perfectly happy lazing around on their extended summer holiday and I know that without them right now I'd probably fall apart completely. I am hopeful that with time and appropriate treatment things will improve, as they will for you, too.
> 
> ...


I have a dicky heart too, as you put it.. I have several very small holes near the aorta, and I also have an irregular heart beat and a heart murmur, but so far I haven't had any ill effects from that *fingers crossed*

Yeah, but even the horses are miserable at the moment, we are at the end of winter and it's a very wet start to spring so they're not enjoying the weather much, coupled with the fact that I need help to feed them because I can't physically carry three buckets on my own even though they aren't very heavy, I just don't have enough functioning hands.

I will get through it I know I just hate the fact that every time I seem to progress in something in my life, it is taken away from me, or disapproved of. My parents didn't even want me to do the vet nursing course this year, so i am constantly reminded of that which doesn't help the stress.

It's gotten to the point where I am nauseated every single night and can't sleep thanks to it, so I spend all night sat up in bed waiting to either get up, or fall asleep sitting up if i'm lucky.

Now I have the stress of how do i pay for surgery? I'm hoping that either it will all be covered by ACC or my health insurance(thankyou mum and dad) but insurance always has excess, and ACC is becoming that way too.
Ugh, I have to stop thinking about all of this, it is not helping me at all at this very moment 

I'm even sick of my miniature right now who used to always cheer me up, she's constantly nickering over the fence and wanting cuddles, now the nickering just gets on my nerves and I have to walk away muttering how badly I want her to find a new home, but I know I couldn't do that, because she's not doing it on purpose, its my up to crap emotions that's doing it.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

The past few weeks I've been really quite sick with everything that I eat. Anything I ingest that isn't water gives me severe stomach cramps and nausea, along with bloating bad enough to make me look 6 months pregnant. I've been to the doctors several times every week and he couldn't figure out what was causing it, he did multiple pregnancy tests (all negative) and blood tests and everything that all come back fine, so I kept getting given more pills to take, and less answers. I lost almost 10kg last week, and every day my weight fluctuates up to 5kg.
My doctor was at a complete loss, and I was (and still am) drugged up to the eyeballs on anti-nausea tablets, anti-inflammatory tablets, and anti-cramping tablets.
Today I went back to the doctors and he finally had an idea, he went to palpate my stomach again, and when he touched in underneath my right ribs, I almost screamed. It felt like I had just been stabbed from behind, right between my ribs, through my gall bladder, and out the front of my ribs. I have had many physical injuries and none have ever given me that kind of pain so badly before.

So I'm waiting for a CT scan now, and I got sent away for MORE bloods, and another pregnancy test(will be negative I can assure you!) as my doctor thinks that I may have gallstones. I'm 18!
I'm incredibly sore where he palpated me now, I can't sit down for long, can't bend over, still can't eat, can't laugh or take any deep breaths, but yet I never realised I was sore until he touched me there.
Gallstones. Great, just what I needed. I have no doubt he's correct either, considering both my granddad and great granddad suffered gallstones. Woopee for me -_-


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## LovesMyDunnBoy (Aug 11, 2011)

You could have an issue even without the stones like I do! To diagnose that you'd need a HIDA (sp?) scan
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

What kind of scan is that? And how do they do it? I've never even heard of that type of scan.
The only foods I can eat without problems are very bland things, like potato and pumpkin, literally just plain fruit and veggies.
I had a chicken sandwich yesterday and that was about the worst I've ever felt to date.

I just want to be able to ride and eat properly again D: I had a friend come out and ride mitch for me, that was an utter embarrassment, he seemed to forget that he had a left turn signal and knows how to respond to it. He even started crow hopping and taking off to the right... The girl knew how to handle it but still, thats my horse, I should be working out his kinks during the spring time, not her!

I've even been sleeping sitting up on an angle, it's always worse at night and I can't lie down in any position.
I can't wait for 2013 to be over. Seriously. Worst year so far *touch wood*


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

HollyBubbles said:


> I can't even ride because I can't hold a set of reins, or do up a girth. Now that really gets to me, because that's the only thing that was keeping my depression at bay, and now that's been taken away from me. This always happens. Maybe I should just sell the horses and forget I ever had them, they deserve better anyway.
> 
> Cookies to anybody who read that, I know it's extremely long and it's not exactly the happiest of posts I've ever written.


Get someone to lunge you!!!! You don't need reins for that 

But otherwise, girly that's a LOT to deal with!!! It's totally okay to not be able to hold it together. You have to be kind to yourself, especially after dealing with all of that.

If you need anything, I'm around! We're also in the same country, which helps things! Last thing you want to do is deal with timezones, urgh...


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## Tracer (Sep 16, 2012)

I can answer the HIDA scan part, as I'm having one next Wednesday. Basically, it's to see how your gallbladder copes. I have to have a fatty breakfast, and then I'll be injected with a type of dye to help them see how things are working. Then I have to drink some kind of drink that is apparently the equivalent of a really fatty meal, and they'll watch as that goes through. It's basically to pinpoint where things are going wrong.

What you need to do is understand that none of that is gonna last forever. The operation will help your hand. The tests will help the doctors figure out what else is going wrong. Do you take anything for your depression and anxiety? If not, get on top of that straight away.

I was in a similar place after falling off my old mare a couple of years ago. I was in agony in my elbow, I couldn't straighten it and it was always sensitive, not to mention the pain if I bumped it on something. 3 months after the fall, 3 x-rays and a CT scan revealed that I'd fractured my elbow, effectively snapping off the tip of a bone inside my elbow. I had to be ridiculously careful with everything to keep myself pain free. When they finally operated last year, it turned out that there were actually two pieces of bone, the biggest almost a cubic centimetre. They'd been there long enough to cause some damage, tearing up the tissue and cartilage in my elbow. That same fall has also left me with permanent, degenerating back problems, so I know where you're coming from.

Put your studies off until you've got your health under control. Continuing now is only going to make your depression and anxiety worse. You're only young, you have plenty of time.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Sky - I like that idea, except now I actually can't sit up straight, right now I'm sitting awkwardly on the couch, leaned back onto the armrest while also lent to the left to try and take the pressure off my gallbladder, so I think riding is a little out of the question just at the moment 

Story of my life, I've always got something/somethings to deal with.. Anybody care to build me a pillow fort that I can pretend to be a happy carefree problem-less child in again for a while? :lol:

Thanks Sky, yeah, timezones can be a little difficult. All of my friends have run for the hills but yet i've always been there for all of them, every time. The one time I've broken down enough to need to talk to somebody who's there, oh that's right.. Just me -_- I do have my bf, but he's got problems of his own right now and I don't want to upset him further by offloading my problems onto him.

Tracer - thanks for the explanation, how do they watch it go through? Are you in a machine like a CT scan or MRI or is it completely different again?
I know none of it lasts forever, it's just the constant string of problems, it's always something, I don't remember a time where I had no physical issues to deal with, then there's the mental side.
I was on anti-depressants that were working for that and my anxiety, but the doctors first thought that it was either that or my OCP that was causing the issues, so they took me off them both, even after I tried to tell them that it wasn't the pills, it was food that was the problem. So at this very moment I'm not on anything, but I'm coping ok for some weird reason, well, coping better than I have been anyway, until today at the doctors. Then I went back to course but had to leave early due to feeling dizzy and extremely sore.
As the needle went in for the blood test today, I almost fainted, my vision went, my head went and my whole body went slack, but just as I was going I come back all of a sudden. This has never happened before, I have no fear of needles (considering I watch all of my piercings happen, and I watch the needle go in for blood tests etc) It was so odd. I didn't feel safe driving afterwards and I was lucky enough that I happened to come across my grandparents at the blood center.

I would like to put off my studies, but with my student loan sitting at almost $10k right now, I can't afford to add on another 5k to try the course again, plus I have watched one person drop out, and one person get kicked off and I'm determined to not have that happen to me. My tutors are very understanding and do all they can to help me out, I just feel so stupid and incapable of doing a lot of the things that I can normally do without a hitch, I'm frustrated with myself, not with the course, if that makes sense?


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Well.. its 5.15am, im in hospital with a 20g catheter in my leg arm after being admitted at around 10pm last night in severe pain with difficulty breathing. They confirmed the gallstones idea and ill be having an ultrasound later this morning to check.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Left arm. Darn phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## konikirule (Jun 26, 2013)

At first i thought this was going to be some barn rant or something, but after reading that... wow. You are one of the strongest people I've "met," and yes i dont know you, but what your going through is amazingly troubling. My prayers go to you, and just know that its okay to break down, your holding up amazingly as it is. Just remember that you can and you will get through this, and that everything WILL get better. Be strong, be you, and you'll see, soon you'll get back to doing what you love. Don't let pain bring you down because even though i dont know you I can tell your an amazing person that deserves better. Just be strong, and when you can't anymore, be even stronger because you have so much to live for and if you don't think that I'm pretty sure all of us on the forum do.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Awww thanks koniki, that brought tears to my eyes reading that, and im waiting for tramadol so im in a bit of pain at the moment, but not drug influenced yet. Haha.

We use 20g catheters in dogs at the vets, now i feel sorry for them cause man it hurts having to move that limb with it in there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Go sit with the mini and tell her what you've told us. She won't offer poor advice or feel sorry for you but I'll bet she'll listen. It sounds like it's time to cut loose and have a good cry. I refer to it as soul washing and one usually feels a whole lot better afterwards.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

I cant at the moment, im in hospital being admitted to the surgical ward  plus she just puts her own opinion in every two words i say haha, shes very talkative
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marcie (Jul 25, 2013)

You will get through this! *hugs* I hope the hospital visit isn't too terrible and that they actually do something to get rid of those stones. And don't worry to much about the future. You will eventually have peace in your life. It might not be next year or five years from now but it will happen for ya. You just gotta hang in there.

Trust me I've been there. I was almost 30 before the drama quit but it did. You just have to be patient and know what you want in your heart. But in the meantime just do what you want with your life. It sounds like that's what you're doing, continuing with school, and that is great!

Don't let circumstances make you bitter, instead try to find ways to make them positive. For instance- your friends went awal on you? Try to see it as an indicator of their maturity and personality. Not everyone can handle or is good at helping others in times of need. But the good thing is that you have been in that low place and if you know someone in that same place, you will be there when they need you. You will come out of all of this more empathetic and compassionate. And sometimes it takes being in those hard situations to realize just how disheartening and hard they really are. Things will get better and even though it's little solace now, you will be a wiser person for all of it. (whether you want to or not lol) 

Sorry I've talked your ear off here! Let us know how things went. *squish*


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Thankyou marcie, that encourages me a bit to keep trying. They did two seperate ultrasounds today and did not find gallstones in either scan, and everything else they scanned was normal. So now im completely nil mouth and on a saline iv, they are putting a camera down my throat tomorrow to check for stomach ulcers. They are scratching their heads a wee bit
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

We have been having earthquakes all day too, they dont usually worry me but they are really strong ones and the hospital is on rubber things (nurse explained to me) which means the building is safe as could be but it sways horribly. It is disorientating me quite badly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

They did an endoscopy on me today and i have to say that was the single most horrible procedure i have had to date. They kept me AWAKE DURING THE PROCEDURE. Yep, awake while they shoved a camera down my throat and into my stomach and small intestine (duedenum part). What happens then? Gag reflex of course. So throughout the entire half hour procedure i was gagging and vomiting and couldnt breathe even with the nasal prongs delivering oxygen. My whole body was shaking and i was screaming and crying unintentionally, i had no control whatsoever. Now i have an extremely sore throat and stomach and i want to smack the anaethetist who told me i wiuldnt feel a thing or even remember the procedure... i remember it very very well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dawn854 (Aug 11, 2013)

*huggles Holly* That's so horrible, I'm sorry you had to go through that.  What a pathetic nurse, maybe you should perform an endoscopy on _her?_


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## RedTree (Jan 20, 2010)

I feel for you, I'm booked in for surgery on the 9th oct, to hopefully get my problems fixed 
But I've been struggling with the same sort of things as you.

Really hope you start feeling better soon


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

They discharged me this morning, with NO ANSWERS and MORE PILLS. Basically they told me they don't know and can't do anything so to go home and take the pills as described... Well that doesn't help me does it -_-

Waiting for the results from a blood test by my GP, he was testing for pregnancy(AGAIN), liver function, Coeliac and something else, can't remember what it was.
Basically, if this test brings no answers, I may end up in a hospital an hour southeast from here demanding answers(they are less of a complete failure than my local hospital who may or may not have gotten their practice license off templates from the internet), or seeing a naturopath or a colour person or something, ANYTHING.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

Anti-inflammatory drugs will cause horrible GI upset. It sounds like you have been given too many drugs. 

I hope you feel better.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Celeste said:


> Anti-inflammatory drugs will cause horrible GI upset. It sounds like you have been given too many drugs.
> 
> I hope you feel better.


Yeah that's what I thought, my local hospital is useless, I haven't been taking the anti-inflammatories.

I'm only getting worse to be honest, this morning I had a drink of water, that was it, just water, and not long after I started feeling nauseous and getting cramps and bloating again... what the hell, it's water.

I'm back off to the doctors this afternoon, and also to see a colour therapist, so I'm really really hoping I might get closer to getting answers, cause I feel like utter crap.

My hair is all greasy and gross even though I washed it yesterday, not normal for me at all. My face is all dry and flaky, under my jawline looks like eczema and is really itchy as well. I also have two clusters of pimples, both on the side of my forehead, one on the left side one on the right side. I'm 18 and have never had pimples, ever, so why should I suddenly start getting them now, but only in those two spots. My hair is back off my face, and the rest of my face and hairline has no pimples at all.

I've also lost a further 5kg in the past 2 days


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Well, been to the colour therapist, he told me a whooooole list of stuff, some that I knew already, some that I didn't know.
He told me that I have Lead, DDT(insecticide), and caffeine in my system. I knew about the lead, as I lived in a Lead painted house as a child and got lead poisoning from paint stripping.
He also said I am low in Magnesium, Calcium, Vitamin D, Iron, and that my thyroid is playing up.
He said I also have sinus problems(yep), and anxiety(yep), and also agoraphobia(yep, I was diagnosed with that 2 years ago).
Then he said that I have nerve damage and bone damage, both of which I knew.
He also said that I have inflammation around my bowel, and both E.Coli and Staphylococcus in my system, where on earth.. Maybe from animals in vet clinic? I have no idea.

He also fixed my back, neck, shoulders, shoulder blades and headaches... NONE of which I told him about previously, but none of which have been sore today either.

I'm in a little less pain that I was, but I still feel like utter crap, I now weigh 70kg dripping wet, so that's now a loss of over 13kg, I don't know what I'll weigh when I'm completely dry, hair included.
I still can't eat, it's a huge struggle to even convince myself to eat anything, I've eaten nothing today and it's now 6pm. I just can't. I suppose because now eating is associated with pain, nausea and distress, I just can't do it and it sounds so stupid.
*So over this*


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Blood results have come back... I'm not coeliac, my liver function is fine, I'm still not pregnant(surprise surprise, I did tell him that).

So both good news and bad news that everything is clear, but now we still don't know whats happening exactly. Although we also have an ever growing list of things that it isn't... Here's me trying to stay positive while i'm p****d off with the medical world and my own body for deciding now was a great time to throw this at me.
-Mum just offered me a mallowpuff and I turned it down..... I love mallowpuffs -_- but now I'm scared to eat anything at all.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Back in the hospital again so i guess we will see how they fob me off this time. Dad got a hold of the local health dept guy so we will see. But i cant even drink water now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

I hope they figure out what is wrong. At least in the hospital, you will get fluids. Get better now.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Celeste said:


> I hope they figure out what is wrong. At least in the hospital, you will get fluids. Get better now.


Thank you Celeste, I was in there from 11.30am this morning to around 7.00pm tonight. They didn't give me fluids though, I thought they would but nope :?

The doctor I got today was very good, he stood and listened to my answers when he asked a question, rather than butting in halfway through with his diagnosis. And he also stood and thought properly about everything I had told him.
This particular doctor thinks I may have the upper scale of Inflammatory Bowel Disease, or that I have Crohns Disease.
He is setting up an appointment as an outpatient with a bowel specialist in order to have a capsule endoscopy done to find out which one I have, he's confident I either have one or the other, and the reason he's so confident is that he himself actually has Crohns Disease.

He has given me a whoooole lot of some type of medication to stop bowel cramps, and another one that is from the aspirin family to relieve bowel inflammation for a longer period of time than ibuprofen does, but is less harsh on the GI tract? I can't remember the names of the two medications he gave me. He also said that if I feel uncomfortable taking the aspirin type pill then I can take 1000mg of fish oil capsules from a health shop each day, that equates to about 6 tablets per day.

I'm really excited to be getting somewhere but I don't want to get my hopes up just in case it turns out to be not what he thinks it is


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## Dawn854 (Aug 11, 2013)

Hopefully they'll help! You must be so sick of taking pills that don't seem to be doing much for you. :/ It is encouraging that you had a doctor you feel confident in, maybe since he was listening to you, he can make the right diagnosis! Stay strong hun and don't give up hope, we're all here for you and all the crap you're going through will settle eventually.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Dawn854 said:


> Hopefully they'll help! You must be so sick of taking pills that don't seem to be doing much for you. :/ It is encouraging that you had a doctor you feel confident in, maybe since he was listening to you, he can make the right diagnosis! Stay strong hun and don't give up hope, we're all here for you and all the crap you're going through will settle eventually.


They are a little bit but I was really ill yesterday morning and not feeling so flash right now after having dinner, but it's a darn sight better than I was doing a few days ago not even being able to drink water. I'm on almost 40 pills over every 24 hour period, and it takes over 1/3 of an h2go bottle just to down my pills each time I take them (6am/12pm/6pm/12am) so at least I'm getting my daily water intake :lol: 

I have to admit though, I'm absolutely terrified about what they might find during the capsule endoscopy, I don't know anybody around me physically that has crohns or IBD, nor do I know anyone that knows anyone with it etc.
I was really hoping it was just a gluten intolerance or something that I could manage easily, but if it is indeed either of these diseases then it's not so easily manageable as I had hoped.
Though i'm even more terrified that they might not find what they're looking for and I'll be right back at square one.

I don't remember if I put this in an earlier post, I think I did, but if I didn't then here it is... I withdrew from course, and rather than the relieving feeling I was expecting, I felt absolutely gutted, and I hated myself for being so weak and quitting when I should have soldiered on through it. But now I've realised that considering I don't even have the energy or concentration span to drive 20 minutes to course safely, it was in my best interests to leave the course to focus on my health, as I can (will) pick up where I left off next year at around this time

-Oh, and I'm now devoting my time on the couch to hand-making soft baby toys from socks :lol: Right now I'm making a floppy eared rabbit


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

I hope you get a diagnosis, & some ways to cope soon. At least you have something to do w/your time while you wait. Get your mind in a better place & let the healing begin!


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Cacowgirl said:


> I hope you get a diagnosis, & some ways to cope soon. At least you have something to do w/your time while you wait. Get your mind in a better place & let the healing begin!


Thank you  I hope so too! Over all I'm doing a bit better, I'm just sick half of the time instead of all the time :lol: though I still have to rely on my mum to help me feed and cover the horses because by the time I walk 10m from my front door to the paddock with two feed buckets I'm pooped haha. I really appreciate that mum is actually willing to help me, and she told me the other day that she didn't realise how much I actually do with and for those horses until she had to start helping me, so that was nice.

Yes, this is my second attempt at a sock bunny - my 9yo sister wanted one.. Just thought I would share it. My next project will be a sock horse and a sock monkey!


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## showjumperachel (Jul 13, 2013)

If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend of a friend that has chrons disease, and he lives live perfectly fine . Although I don't think he can drink beer, which is kind of a bummer, but there are worse things in life! I also watched this episode of mystery diagnosis on discovery health (I have since stopped watching the show because I'm already a hypochondriac and this show nearly made me have anxiety attacks every time I watch it). On the show this person had horrible symptoms and was sick for YEARS before she was finally diagnosed with chrons disease. Actually, after reading through all your posts I was wondering if it was chrons because I know it can be extremely painful if let un-diagnosed/untreated. Also the fact that you had a gastroscopy (or whatever its called/however you spell it) while AWAKE is unbelievable. I would have demanded some sort of sedative. I intern at a vet clinc and every time they do that on horses they are ALWAYS sedated. Understadably too, because I couldn't imagine an un-sedated horse putting up with that! Anyways, if you don't start getting answers soon then start DEMANDING them. Start researching your symptoms yourself and suggesting them to the doctors. Take your health into your own hands. Doctors learn a ton of information in medical school, and I'm sure they don't remember EVERYTHING. Maybe if you look up some information and share it with them, it might jog their memory. Google and google scholar are wonderful inventions 

Anyways, sorry for talking your ear off, and I really hope you get some answers and feel better soon!


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## showjumperachel (Jul 13, 2013)

lives life* oopsies!

also: cute sock rabbit!


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

showjumperachel said:


> If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend of a friend that has chrons disease, and he lives live perfectly fine . Although I don't think he can drink beer, which is kind of a bummer, but there are worse things in life! I also watched this episode of mystery diagnosis on discovery health (I have since stopped watching the show because I'm already a hypochondriac and this show nearly made me have anxiety attacks every time I watch it). On the show this person had horrible symptoms and was sick for YEARS before she was finally diagnosed with chrons disease. Actually, after reading through all your posts I was wondering if it was chrons because I know it can be extremely painful if let un-diagnosed/untreated. Also the fact that you had a gastroscopy (or whatever its called/however you spell it) while AWAKE is unbelievable. I would have demanded some sort of sedative. I intern at a vet clinc and every time they do that on horses they are ALWAYS sedated. Understadably too, because I couldn't imagine an un-sedated horse putting up with that! Anyways, if you don't start getting answers soon then start DEMANDING them. Start researching your symptoms yourself and suggesting them to the doctors. Take your health into your own hands. Doctors learn a ton of information in medical school, and I'm sure they don't remember EVERYTHING. Maybe if you look up some information and share it with them, it might jog their memory. Google and google scholar are wonderful inventions
> 
> Anyways, sorry for talking your ear off, and I really hope you get some answers and feel better soon!


Hi  That does help a bit, I've heard of a couple people who can live life normally with crohns so that is a positive, the prospect of the unknown is what scares me more, and having to take all of these medications just so I can eat a little and drink water is scary, since they aren't positive about what it is yet.
I don't drink alcohol anyway so that's not a personal worry of mine, however I do enjoy the likes of chocolate, and KFC or McDonalds now and again, but I can't have any of that now, I've tried pizza on one occasion, and I had a couple chips from KFC last night and oh man that just wasn't worth it, even though the chips were amazing. I still feel horrible now 24 hours later, and because of that I missed out on roast chicken for dinner:evil:! (I love roast chicken:lol

I think it's called a gastroendoscopy, but it's known here as an endoscopy for short. They did sedate me, but apparently they underestimated how much sedation I needed by a long shot. They told me the sedation would make me fall asleep and it "really is quite wonderful" -quote from the nurse who sedated me:evil:. Absolutely, I was working in a vet clinic while training to be a vet nurse, and anything involving sticking something down an animals throat would require either sedation or an induction agent first (main procedure being ET tubing, so that was done a lot)

Demanding does nothing here in my little town, demanding gets you kicked out of the hospital (mum found out:lol. I may go down to a bigger clinic an hour away, or to the capital city Wellington, and go to their hospital there if I don't get answers shortly. I'm with you on the not remembering everything, but we are talking about doctors who saw me with a dislocated shoulder blade one afternoon and had to google it! The same doctors who believe that if they can't figure out the cause within 2 days and a couple textbooks, then nothing is wrong and it's all in your head. That's why I liked the latest doctor I saw, because he was completely the opposite.

I got a letter from the hospital stating that i'm on a waiting list for something (didn't state whether it was for a CT scan or a capsule endoscopy) and it could take up to *FIVE MONTHS* to get an appointment given to me, nuh uh no way I am not going through 5 months of this only to find out that it isn't what they thought it was and i'm right back at square one again. Hell will freeze over before I accept having to wait 5 months just for an appointment.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

I would schedule the appointment in case you still need it then. Hopefully you can get something done before that.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Celeste said:


> I would schedule the appointment in case you still need it then. Hopefully you can get something done before that.


Yeah, I will keep any appointment they give me, I'll just do everything in my power to have something done before then. It may be up to 5 months from now before I'm notified of an available appointment, but then the actual appointment may not be for several months after that. Hopefully if I can go to Wellington or even the next town over from me I might be able to get something done sooner.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Quick update. Still the same not doing any better at all, some days are really bad and I contemplate going to the ER but I don't end up going.

Dad got sick of the hospital mucking around and has set up an appointment with a very good doctor/surgeon at a private hospital near us, so on the 25th I will be seeing a doctor who helps my nana with her coeliac etc and is generally known to be very good, so we will see how that eventuates.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

OK, so I saw the specialist private surgeon today, and after hearing my entire life story he has said that he is 70% sure that I have crohns disease, but I will be going for a colonoscopy tomorrow (EEK!) to see what presents.

I have to drink 1L if "Bowel prep" every hour for 3 hours tonight in order to cleanse everything in preparation for the procedure tomorrow. Let me tell you, this stuff is vile. I have a strong stomach, but just thinking about, or smelling this stuff literally makes me vomit, drinking it is even harder to do. It reminds me of chlorine... Except I would rather the taste of chlorine. I'm not allowed any more food tonight (no problem with the headache and nausea/vomiting caused by the drink). Woopee, I'm excited to be getting another test and all but man, this stuff is vile beyond belief.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

I hope they find out what is wrong. Good luck.


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## 2BigReds (Oct 7, 2011)

Big hugs to you, dear. :-(

I've been battling what we now know is lupus for awhile now, and definitely the hardest part is not knowing. It'll do a number on your psyche, for sure! Also pills are a bummer, but a really good doctor should be able to find you a combination of meds that will work for you long-term, if not short-term. If they don't, try another doctor. They all have slightly different opinions and some will suit your condition more than others. 

Living in a different country I'm not 100% sure how your healthcare system works, sounds like mostly public but private practices exist as well? In those situations I hear that private doctors are almost always better but I don't have a basis for that, honestly. I just know that if they ever switch the U.S. to government-run healthcare I'm moving to a different country. Not a good thing for people like us, particularly when a country has little to no budget. :? Sounds like you're in to see someone your family trusts, though, which is usually a very good thing! Keep us updated! :hug:


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

2BigReds said:


> Big hugs to you, dear. :-(
> 
> I've been battling what we now know is lupus for awhile now, and definitely the hardest part is not knowing. It'll do a number on your psyche, for sure! Also pills are a bummer, but a really good doctor should be able to find you a combination of meds that will work for you long-term, if not short-term. If they don't, try another doctor. They all have slightly different opinions and some will suit your condition more than others.
> 
> Living in a different country I'm not 100% sure how your healthcare system works, sounds like mostly public but private practices exist as well? In those situations I hear that private doctors are almost always better but I don't have a basis for that, honestly. I just know that if they ever switch the U.S. to government-run healthcare I'm moving to a different country. Not a good thing for people like us, particularly when a country has little to no budget. :? Sounds like you're in to see someone your family trusts, though, which is usually a very good thing! Keep us updated! :hug:


Thankyou 2BigReds, it's really starting to scare me now. The not knowing, and the being rushed in for a colonoscopy only a day after the initial appointment, Not that I'm complaining since it would have taken months in a public hospital!
I do feel terrible though so I can now say I feel for anybody going through colonoscopy prep etc, it's nasty.

I've heard the word lupus before, but other than knowing that it is an autoimmune disease I know nothing else about it, could you enlighten me? I'm beginning to pick up an interest in all these things and can spend hours googling different things, but the information from Google still doesn't compare to the information from somebody living with the issues. My opinion anyway.

Yes we have both public and private practises that are completely separate. I'm just extremely lucky that I have health insurance and that my parents are willing to pay the excess of $300. This one procedure today is costing upwards of $4000 so I'm counting my lucky stars that we are in a position to be able to go through with this when many people can't. And yes, the private doctors are always better, hands down. The specialist doctor/surgeon I'm under now is also caring for my grandad and his wife, he has skin cancer and a myriad of other issues, nana has coeliac disease and some other issues also. This doctor also saved my uncles life after the public hospital wrote him off as a cancer patient and gave him months to live. This doctor rushed him to Auckland and had half my uncles stomach removed in what was found out to be a huge stomach ulcer, and also pneumonia. If he hadn't had the surgery he would have died, now 6 years later he is right as rain.
So this guy definitely knows his stuff, which is reassuring my nerves a little bit. He also told me it's not in my head and he won't stop until he has a definite diagnosis. I went to high school with his children and he kept stressing how important confidentiality is to him so his sons won't know, not that I care who knows at this point as long as something is found out!

He also said "don't even get me started on public healthcare" he used to work for the hospital but opened up his own private practise a few years ago. He hates that hospital as much as everyone else does and stared at me in utter disbelief when I told him that they had put me on meds specifically for crohns when they don't have a diagnosis. He also stressed the importance of not taking the ibuprofen I was prescribed for the exact reasons mentioned earlier on this thread, I don't remember who by.

Ok, it's 9.20am now so in 2 hours I will be admitted in to the private hospital, and an hour and a half after that I should be getting a general anaesthesia and having the procedure started. I won't deny it, I'm terrified. Mums driving me in otherwise I will not be going.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

As long as they drug you up, the colonoscopy is no big deal. The prep is the bad part. It won't leave you in pain and it will be over in no time. The only issue is that all that yucky stuff you drank will make you feel bad for a day or two until you can get your electrolytes all back in balance.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Celeste said:


> As long as they drug you up, the colonoscopy is no big deal. The prep is the bad part. It won't leave you in pain and it will be over in no time. The only issue is that all that yucky stuff you drank will make you feel bad for a day or two until you can get your electrolytes all back in balance.


Yeah the surgeon said I will be under a general anaesthetic because apparently teenagers don't handle sedation very well, so my age works in favour on that one for me haha.
Oh well, I've managed a night and morning (plus every other days that I feel bad)of it I'm sure I can deal with not feeling great for a little while longer, but I do have a huge craving for dark and milk chocolate, I even dreamt about it in what little sleep I had last night!


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

I think this may be turning into more of a diary than anything :lol: but I'm in an amazing mood and have had a strangely brilliant day.

NOVEL WARNING :lol:

So, its now 11.30pm and I can't sleep, yay for normalness I suppose :lol: because I never have slept well. If I doo then I'm either sick or drugged up brilliantly.

I have extreme agoraphobia and have done knowingly for years, it completely rules my life to the point where I don't go to parties, I don't go in to town when it's busy, if I go in to a new place the first thing I look for is all my possible escape routes etc etc. I never even went to school assemblies in high school because sitting in a big hall with several hundred kids packed in and schoolbags blocking my escape routes just sent me over the edge. For the ones I did have to go to (eg prizegiving) I would sit with a class that was right by the door, on the end seat so I had no obstructions to my exit if I needed to get out.

I had myself thoroughly convinced that I was fine this morning, I walked into the hospital and kept myself convinced that I was fine (I was actually shut off in dream land pretending I wasn't in the hospital-that's my coping mechanism a lot of the time) I got shown to my room and the nurse came in almost straight away and she was just lovely, I managed to pull myself out of my dream land without panicking and she made me feel completely at ease, and she had a nice sense of humour which is good because I tend to joke around a lot when I'm trying to cope. Went through all the paperwork and questions etc and that was fine, I had my own private bathroom attached to my room (thank goodness!). A number of doctors and nurses passed through my room, each of them were great and made me feel comfortable around them as much as possible. I warned all of them about my agoraphobia and what happens when I have panic attacks and that I was likely to not cope very well. The anaesthetist said that was cool and he would have some special sedative set aside in case I needed them.

1.30pm I got taken in and I had pulled myself back into my dreamland to cope. (wearing a button up gown and a nappy type thing that I will not forget, YUCK!) As I was being wheeled out of my room mum said "everything will be fine, it's ok" and bam - verbal trigger. I got snapped out of dreamland and there began the panic attack. Not mums fault at all, she didn't realise I have verbal triggers like that as well as the other triggers, I should have pre-warned her and asked her not to say it but it slipped my mind.
Down the corridor we go, I'm paralysed by my concentration to keep breathing normally, I can't speak or hear anything because I'm focusing so hard on my breathing, I tend to either hyperventilate to the point where I vomit(cue the emetophobia issue here) or I stop breathing completely and pass out, yay!
My head was screaming to me to get the heck off that bed and run like crazy, just get out, don't go through those doors, this was a stupid idea, why did I turn up in the first place. Leave now and it will be fine. But being paralysed by my concentration on breathing stopped me from doing that.
as soon as I went through the doors just before the theatre I started crying hysterically in silence and my entire body was shaking. I had to get up and walk from my bed to the theatre table, but I couldn't get my legs to cooperate (still concentrating on breathing) so I had one guy on one side and one on the other since I got out of bed and promptly collapsed on the floor from fear and dizziness(dizziness is normal for me) so basically they carried me in, all I had to do was keep my feet in contact with the floor.
They layed me down on the table on my back, arms outstretched for the monitors on one arm and the cannula in the other arm. It took them 2 attempts at putting a cannula in, which has never happened to me before as I'm told I have amazing veins, maybe they hid in fear :lol:
As soon as the cannula was in successfully in went the sedative. No questions asked. I was exerting as much control as I could over myself but I was very quickly losing the battle and almost got up and ran at this point, not being able to concentrate on breathing anymore.
So anyway, bam, in goes sedative through IV. Not 5 seconds later I was laying there in bliss. Completely happy and comfortable looking at the pretty overhead lights, feeling like I was floating on a cloud. I was able to relax and breath completely normally, no more panic attack, I could talk, I could hear, but I was completely happy as larry.
Then they hooked me up to a saline drip and stuck the anaesthetic in through my IV line. Night night. I don't remember falling asleep this time, I just remember waking up in recovery and the nurse asking me if I wanted mum in the room, I said "no I'm still in my happy place" (where did that come from! I didn't even choose to say that! Good drugs!)
I did have an ET tube during the procedure, I was told that, but I went to sleep with no tube and also woke up with no tube, just an oxygen mask and the worst case of gas I've ever had haha! She told me not to be ladylike and just let it go, to which my response was "well darn, I've never been ladylike about anything in my life!"
I was in theatre for an hour, and in recovery for 35 minutes. The surgeon come in to my room after I had woken up properly enough to comprehend serious questions and not answer them like I was high.
He said that the colonoscopy was not normal. Definitely not normal. But he said it didn't absolutely scream Crohns at him. He does think I have Crohns disease, but he has sent away biopsies which will be back in one week just to be sure.

When I woke up after a snooze in my room, I woke up to an amazingly cute stuffed cow and penguin in front of me, mum had gone out to find slippers at the shops and had come back with the stuffed animals, a nice pair of loose trackies, some new socks and a really nice hoodie! Bless her, she didn't have to do that!
And the surgeon gave me a little red box with gold ribbon on it saying "Get Well" in nice writing, inside it held 3 dark chocolates with a slight hint of mint flavour. I've eaten half of one so far, thought I had better not overdo it, I gave mum the other half.
Then I met a new nurse who had just come on to her shift and she was lovely too, she was really funny and light hearted, she was one seriously compassionate woman, and she went out and got me some amazing sandwiches and a collection of coffees/teas and drinking chocolate. I don't drink coffee so I had the drinking chocolate with only a teeny bit of milk. But man, who knew hospital food could get so good! It was amazing, better than most cafes! And better room service than a 5 star hotel!
I was feeling amazing at this point, both physically and mentally better than I have done in months. I am almost excited to possibly have Crohns Disease, purely because it is so close to a diagnosis, which will then mean I can get proper help and carry on with my life as well as I can.

I then got home, already feeling pretty good, and mum cooked some fresh crumbed hoki for dinner so I had a small piece of that. Then I'm sitting down using dads iPad for facebook and he goes "can you turn that off for a minute?" "uh, yeah sure?" he then proceeds to hand me this gorgeous gift bag, and inside is a brand spanking new white 16gb iPhone 5, colour me shocked. I had no idea what to say apart from "OMG" and "thankyou" and his reasoning behind it was that he thinks I've deserved it for going through all of the problems I have gone through over the past 3 years. I was just astounded and I'm still struggling to believe that I have an iPhone 5, I always wanted one, but I was prepared to save up and get one for myself, but dad thinks I deserve to just have one like that? I won't complain, but I'm really not sure I do understand, both mum and dad have already done so much for me and I couldn't ever thank them enough, but to put this phone on top of it all makes me feel like a seriously spoilt little brat, although my secret theory behind the iPhone is that now I have to send dad Candy Crush lives, since I couldn't on my LG Optimus :lol:


And in other good news! 
I got a phonecall on my way to the hospital this morning about my orthopaedic surgeon appointment on October 17th for the consult of the surgery on my thumb... well, they have bumped my appointment forward! To tomorrow!! so tomorrow at 2pm I will be talking to a surgeon about having an operation on my thumb in the very near future hopefully. It feels like everything *might* just be coming together now. but I'm scared to get my hopes up.

I'm sorry, that is a huge novel, but even with the panic attack almost ruining everything, and having a probable lifelong disease diagnosis, as well as pending surgery on my thumb, I kind of feel on top of the world, so I'm going to make the most of that while it lasts. Because I know it won't last forever, so why shouldn't I make the most of it?


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## Cacowgirl (Feb 19, 2011)

Wow! That was quite an adventure, wasn't it? So nice to hear that you feel blessed to have such a great family & the phone is truly appreciated & unexpected. Hope things keep improving for you & you feel much better very soon. Good luck on getting your thumb fixed now. Please keep us updated.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Cacowgirl said:


> Wow! That was quite an adventure, wasn't it? So nice to hear that you feel blessed to have such a great family & the phone is truly appreciated & unexpected. Hope things keep improving for you & you feel much better very soon. Good luck on getting your thumb fixed now. Please keep us updated.


It has been an interesting adventure so far that's for sure :lol: I'm just extremely thankful for everybody that has been supporting me both online and in real life, it really does mean a lot and it keeps me going a bit better. The adventure isn't over yet I'm sure, since we are still waiting on biopsy results to 100% confirm the probable diagnosis, now I'm just a little scared that after the doctor being so confident that it is most likely to be Crohns, I'm not sure what I will do if we get the results back saying it isn't. But he did say he won't stop until we have a definite diagnosis so that makes me feel better either way.

I'm also really thankful for how understanding, kind and compassionate everybody at the private hospital was and how well they prepared for and accommodated my phobia, after my public hospital experiences and my last anaesthesia experience in a different private hospital, this one was a welcome experience even with the panic attack which they managed very efficiently. Everybody at the public hospitals around here are cold and non-caring(with the rare exception of course), if you have a phobia they literally strap you down and force you through the procedure anyway which only makes it worse.

I never expected the phone, because while my parents knew I wanted one, they also knew I was quite happy to save for it myself, so this was definitely a welcome surprise. But while I do feel really thankful for having it, I kind of feel bad because my parents do pay for everything for me, I mean everything. If I want something, I will end up getting it. But I don't whinge and moan until I get it, they know what I want and sometimes the things I want just appear and I'm extremely lucky to be in a situation where that does happen, but I feel guilty because I have so much while so many others don't. Even my medical insurance, I feel guilty for being able to go in to a private hospital and get it sorted after months of dealing with issues, when some will go years and years, or even most of their lives not knowing or not being able to afford the treatment and care they need, including a good friend of mine who is suffering very similar symptoms but has been dealing with them for many many years, I wish I could help her and I hate seeing her go through what I do day in and day out, knowing she has been like this for so long with no answers and I am getting help after only a few (long) months.

I really hope so too, and thank you for the support.

No doubt I will keep updating this thread, even just typing it out makes me feel a bit better mentally, and not so overwhelmed with everything that is happening.

I am also going down to Christchurch on October 5th with my boyfriend of 4 years, our 4 year anniversary is on October 10th, we fly back to the north island on October 12th, and go straight to opening night of speedway that night, then go and watch Bathurst the next day, phew that's going to be a long week! But I'm looking forward to it, minus the flying part.... Once I'm on the plane I have no exits, so I'm going to need some good medication on board, and i'm extremely lucky to have my boyfriend be so amazing. Every hospital stay I've had he has been there, every time I need something he does it, if I'm sick he stays up all night with me, he would do anything for me and I will do the same for him, this guy even goes shopping with me without complaining!! So I have no doubt that he will play a big part in me coping on the airplane since he has been on them many times and I have never been on one. He even said that if we need to we can cancel our flights home and drive back and take the ferry (if he buys a car down there) since I have been on a boat before and that didn't seem to trigger my agoraphobia.
-I'll stop gushing now :lol:


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

HollyBubbles said:


> When I woke up after a snooze in my room, I woke up to an amazingly cute stuffed cow and penguin in front of me, mum had gone out to find slippers at the shops and had come back with the stuffed animals, a nice pair of loose trackies, some new socks and a really nice hoodie! Bless her, she didn't have to do that!
> And the surgeon gave me a little red box with gold ribbon on it saying "Get Well" in nice writing, inside it held 3 dark chocolates with a slight hint of mint flavour. I've eaten half of one so far, thought I had better not overdo it, I gave mum the other half.
> Then I met a new nurse who had just come on to her shift and she was lovely too, she was really funny and light hearted, she was one seriously compassionate woman, and she went out and got me some amazing sandwiches and a collection of coffees/teas and drinking chocolate. I don't drink coffee so I had the drinking chocolate with only a teeny bit of milk. But man, who knew hospital food could get so good! It was amazing, better than most cafes! And better room service than a 5 star hotel!
> I was feeling amazing at this point, both physically and mentally better than I have done in months. I am almost excited to possibly have Crohns Disease, purely because it is so close to a diagnosis, which will then mean I can get proper help and carry on with my life as well as I can.
> ...


That's so awesome that they went above and beyond to all care for you after that ordeal  and that your appointment will be sooner.

I like the way you write your 'journal' and I'm pleased that things are looking up for you!


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

It absolutely is and I'm so glad we finally found good help in this place. I go back to see him next week for results so fingers crossed we get a definite diagnosis. Mum is planning on getting him some red velvet cupcakes as a thank you to take to the next appointment there is an amazing cupcake shop in town... Pity I can't eat them lol but that's ok!

Thanks, I find it helps me get my thoughts together after being so overwhelmed all the time. I tell it like it is from my own view and I can organise my head since I can add bits in or take them out wherever I please. I really do enjoy writing and reading and have plenty of time for it at the moment

I have gotten rather addicted to true blood and the vampire diaries and Sylvia day books lately... And Pinterest haha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

HollyBubbles said:


> I have gotten rather addicted to true blood and the vampire diaries and Sylvia day books lately... And Pinterest haha.


True Blood is amazing!!! I love that show, the season ending was weird though.. but still cannot wait for it to resume!!!!!


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Skyseternalangel said:


> True Blood is amazing!!! I love that show, the season ending was weird though.. but still cannot wait for it to resume!!!!!


Haha yes it is! I read all the books first and I own the last 3 in the series.
A friend of mine started my Sylvia day addiction by giving me the book "bared to you" to read. One night I took to finish the book... The next day I bought the first and second book off trademe haha!

More good news!!! I DON'T have to have surgery on my thumb!!! The surgeon said that the ligament has most likely reattached itself judging by the stability of my thumb and the likelihood is that the repaired ligament is still scarred and swollen. So.... More needles! Because I really needed more of those! He gave me a cortisone injection in my thumb and oh boy that brought tears to the eyes haha. Nowhere near as bad as the cannula attempts yesterday though so I was happy. I will see him again in 8 weeks for a check up and possible second injection
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Ok, so right now there seems to be an internal tug-o-war happening in my intestines and it hurts like crazy (like doubled over almost vomiting from pain crazy). I've taken all the drugs i'm allowed to so I guess I'll be sleeping on the couch again tonight since any movement feels like I'm being torn from the inside out!  It hurts quite badly and I'm not sure what did it, though I actually have a suspicion that it may have been the canola oil on the potatoes I had with dinner tonight??? Or maybe the very small piece of steak that I had. I really don't know :-(
The nausea is also pretty extreme which doesn't help at all.

Tomorrow I am getting a haircut at 9am so lets hope I am better and can make it to town for that, I was really looking forward to getting my hair cut.

Also tomorrow I *should* be getting a confirmed diagnosis at 4pm, I'm really hoping there is a confirmed diagnosis, otherwise I may be at risk of having a mental breakdown... Actually, I'm at risk of having one anyway but yeah.

It's 12.05am and I am shattered, but with all this pain being so extreme I can't sleep, so horseforum and pinterest it is to try a distraction tactic (not working)

In other unrelated news, today was the first time I managed to go outside 10m away from my front door to see my horses. I get there and uncover both of them and start to work on brushing out everything that is matted into their new summer coats since they haven't had rugs off for a long time now (my bad). That took it's time, and then I went to release Mitch and bam, he's 3 legged lame. I hadn't realised since DJ walked up to me first and I didn't take any notice of him while I was brushing her, plus I didn't have to move him to tie him up for brushing.
My immediate thought was a hoof abscess, I picked out the hoof and there was no stones or other hard debris in there so I touched all around his hoof and there was a rather large soft spot and he jumped on the spot as I touched it so I knew that was it. My farrier lives 6 hours away and I am going away on Saturday for a week so I needed this sorted right now. Vet come out, confirmed my abscess theory, the abscess was huge and burst all over the place. He packed the hole with cotton wool and triple antibiotic ointment then wrapped it up and whatnot. He then gave him a shot of penicillin and asked if I was comfortable giving him the shots, yep that's fine. He showed me his preferred method anyhow. I know the procedure and the risks and what to look out for and when to ring a vet right there and then (sadly I also know when a shotgun is needed), he has had penicillin before and was fine so no problems, I only have to give him 2x 25mL shots, and he is brilliant with shots, I can walk up to him in the paddock and stab him with it and he won't flinch at all. I feel so guilty though, I haven't been well enough to check on him closely and I've only scanned over him while he's been grazing and saw no issues, so I have no idea how long he's been sore! My poor boy! He was so good while it was being dug out though, you could see that it hurt, and he set back on his haunches with his neck and shoulder muscles rippling several times but he never once lashed out or tried to leave the spot he was in. He was very patient with everything so I'm very proud of him considering the spring grass has arrived and most other horses have their heads screwed on backwards right now!

I am now watching Teen Mom 2, Body of Proof, Jono and Ben at 10, and 7 days to pass the time until I either fall asleep or the pain subsides. -_- Ugh.


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Well, the colonoscopy biopsies apparently come back clear, so with no definite Crohns diagnosis I have no idea what to do now. The surgeon is still almost certain that it is Crohns, and if not then it is something very similar, but he is now waiting for another test... Calprotectin levels I think it's called. Here in NZ that result could be another 3-4 weeks away. If that test comes back clear they I will be going down to Wellington on the urgent list for a capsule endoscopy which should happen within a week of getting the calprotectin levels back.

I know what I want to say but not the words to say it, so if any part of the rest of my post makes no sense then I'm sorry! It's been a long day.
Basically, just because the results of the biopsies said no Crohns, doesn't mean it isn't there. The scope can only reach as far as the ileum part of the small intestine, but Crohns can effect anywhere from start to finish of the small intestine, the ileum is just the most common part effected.
Cal Protectin is a calcium and zinc binding protein that reacts to inflammation in the bowel. The more inflammation you have in the bowel, the higher the calprotectin levels are. (I spend a lot of time questioning the surgeon and googling so I'm learning a lot).

Now I'm right back at square one and have no idea what to do next. I've had a medication change yet again, so now I'm losing the plot with what to take and when to take it and I need to set reminders on my phone for each one.
The past 3 days have been bad with the internal tug-o-war thing going on.
I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm lonely, and I'm confused and scared. I just want this to stop one way or another, and every medical professional I see asks if I've been thinking about suicide. well heck, I've thought about it off and on for years now, I've got several methods planned but here's the catch. I can't put them in to action. One, because I couldn't do that to my friends and family, I would rather suffer through this than look down upon them and see them hurting. Two, I'm scared that if I did attempt something that I would screw it up and become physically or mentally disabled for the rest of my life, making the situation worse. Three, what would happen to my horses if I did? Who would look after them, what sort of homes would they end up in? Would they miss me? They come galloping to the gate every time I appear or holler a name out, they don't bat an eyelid for anybody else. But the thought is always on my mind, I'm not going to deny that. I often have nightmares about going through with it.

And this post was meant to be a short one, when I start writing it just keeps on coming and I have to go back and re-read what I wrote because subconsciously I put everything in there.


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

HollyBubbles said:


> The past 3 days have been bad with the internal tug-o-war thing going on.
> I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm lonely, and I'm confused and scared. I just want this to stop one way or another, and every medical professional I see asks if I've been thinking about suicide. well heck, I've thought about it off and on for years now, I've got several methods planned but here's the catch. I can't put them in to action. One, because I couldn't do that to my friends and family, I would rather suffer through this than look down upon them and see them hurting. Two, I'm scared that if I did attempt something that I would screw it up and become physically or mentally disabled for the rest of my life, making the situation worse. Three, what would happen to my horses if I did? Who would look after them, what sort of homes would they end up in? Would they miss me? They come galloping to the gate every time I appear or holler a name out, they don't bat an eyelid for anybody else. But the thought is always on my mind, I'm not going to deny that. I often have nightmares about going through with it.


This shows how wonderful of a person you are to think through this logically and to put yourself in the place of your loved ones, blood and hooved 

And your post was clear about the Cal Protectin, so cool what you're learning (despite the circumstances...)

Hugs hugs hugs


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## 2BigReds (Oct 7, 2011)

Big hugs, girlie! I know it seems hopeless at times, and I have felt much the same recently, as you know. Venting is good, and you are making sense! It sounds like you have a good doctor who will be your advocate. That alone is a wonderful thing, but one that you absolutely should not feel guilty for. Hang in there. <3


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## HollyBubbles (Jun 22, 2009)

Well, today I had my appointment with the surgeon, while I have managed to contract the flu of all times -_-
He has now officially diagnosed me with Crohns Disease, and I have been started on Pentasa, a derivative of aspirin I think? From what I was told.
Tomorrow I will also be started on Prednisone, 40mg for one week, 30mg for the next week, then 20mg, 10mg and finally 5mg. So that's a course of 5 weeks where I will probably start to look like a chipmunk due to water retention in the face.
I don't know what to think or do for now, on one hand its a relief to have a diagnosis and to know that a treatment and management plan has been started, but on the other hand I'm not impressed with the diagnosis because it doesn't just go away like the flu does, it's there for life and there's nothing I can do to rid myself of it fully


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