# speaking my mind.



## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Sorry to intrude in your personal journal..



AnalisaParalyzer said:


> But todays musings are going to be on how people treat eachother. Like crap. Like absolute dog poop. I will admit to being guilty of this. When I'm mad, I'm hell on wheels and no one is safe. Its not a good personality trait. But when I look around, and adults are speaking to eachother like spoiled kids, I wonder why we can't all just be a little nicer. Joe blow may not know that your horse dumped you today, why you gotta snap at him? Jane doe may be genuinely asking out of concern, why you gotta treat her like she's out to get you? I think a lot of this stems from people being so judgmental. I mean, you see a skater rolling down the road, you assume he's some no good punk. But what if he's on his way to buy milk for his granny? What if he's the kid that's gonna save your little kid when he falls in the lake? Who knows. You don't, not on first sight. Or first read for that matter. How can you possibly. Understand a person having never heard their voice or watched their eyes or seen how they handle life? You can't. And I mean you, as in the general you, everybody. Everybodys always talking about make the world a better place. But you wanna know the honest truth? We look at the people trying to do right like they've got four heads. Its easier to believe others are bad, and go on with your day. Its easier to judge and stay away than get to know someone. Again, its a general "we". I want to live in a world where people are nice first and nasty if they need to be. But there again, it all depends on the individual. I can muse on people being nicer to eachother forever, I don't think it'll happen. But I can be nicer. Even though that gets you in trouble too. Then you get accused of trying to "be a saint" or trying to "be better than everybody else". I don't think someone genuinely trying to be a good person is either of those things, but that's how some people have approached that kind of thing. I have no conclusion to this. I'm not sure there is one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely 100% whole heart-edly agree. 

You can't change people, but you can work on being a little less judgmental yourself (collective you, as in the reader)


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

Its no intrusion sky, I crave positive criticism, just so long as its not meant to hurt. And I don't mind civil discussion either. And your right, you can't change anybody but you. Even if you'll be disliked for trying to "be better". 

Which leads to todays thoughts. Recently between my anxiety and the questionability of my alexs faithfulness, I've been pondering the damaging effects of lying. It really is a web. You throw out the baseline of "I promise your the only girl I think about". Then add on, "I swear I haven't spoken to her in months. And it was only about the dog" then you start spinning. "I never went to see her" "you know its not my baby" "maybe your the one who's lying". Its as simple as being honest the first time. Tell me the truth before it gets to the lying. Honesty is the foundation of trust, and trust will either make or break you. How about on a bigger scale. -these are not my actual opinions or thoughts on this matter, this is just an extreme example to hopefully make what's in my head sound like sense.- imagine the government has been lying about the towers, and the war, and osama. What if it was an inside job? What if the whole "dumped the body in the ocean" thing is bull? Could you imagine how all us u.s. Citizens would feel? Its like trusting A dog that's bitten you. You don't. Not til they've been either beaten until they have no teeth, or shot. Its the same with people. I trusted my mother when she said, "I promise I'll be home in time to take you to ride." Or "I promise I'll take you with me when I visit grandma this year". Well, when my horse had gone two weeks without work, and I'd thrown a tantrum, it had been my fault. And when the next time I got to see grandma was at her funeral two years later? You don't trust people after that. It destroys relationships. And in the case of a lover, even if you stay together, the question is always there. Where are you really? How hard do I have to protect my heart today? Why can't you just tell me what's going on? I can handle it. I'm a strong girl. Just tell me the truth. I can deal with the truth. I can't deal with not knowing. And if the world were perfect no one would have to. I've lied, and though it didn't cost me much, someone I did care about was very hurt. And that felt awful. And I guess here is where it ties into yesterdays thoughts. If people could just be nice. We know lying is wrong, we know deception is bad, and yet we chose it. Its easier to tell someone what they want to hear even if it hurts them in the long run, and on the flip side of that, there's that sick little satisfaction I know more than just I have felt when fibbing just a little to hurt someone who's hurt you. You don't mean what you say, it isn't the truth, but you say it cause your mad and you want to watch them feel the way you felt. Its still lying and it still hurts. And you can't take it back, or fix it. You said it. if we were just more aware of how we speak to people, and what we say. The truth hurts, but never more than a lie. It can take a beautiful flourishing relationship, and drag it through the mud. It can make an amazing man like my captain cave, and suddenly look like a heartless beast. It can take a woman, and make her scared to trust. Maybe I'm just letting my depression get away with me here, but it sucks. And I don't see how menot lying is going to benefit anybody but the people I'm talking to. I mean of course I'll have the satisfaction of "I'm doing the right thing" but its only a matter of time until someone gets mad and goes after me for "higher moral fiber" and "trying to be better than everyone else". It sucks. All the way around. Lying is like an emotional nuclear bomb, leaving a radiation made of doubt and pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Anxiety or not, you can't set yourself up to be lied to. If you're asking questions like "am I the only girl you think about" is setting yourself up to be lied to. Men (and some women too) think about other people sometimes. It's just how it is.

Some of Alexs responses sound shady but without knowing more that's all I can say.

About other people lying..
When you're dependent on other people for rides, you have to realize that your activity probably isn't going to be very high on their list. Case in point when you mentioned how long your horse went weeks without work and you couldn't visit you grandma. I don't think your mother meant to lie, she just probably thought "well theres tomorrow" and well there was always a tomorrow until there wasn't.

People lie. It's how it is. If you really think he's cheating and it's not your anxiety taking, toss him. Regardless if he is or isn't. Why? Life's too short to be with someone you can't trust. You don't deserve to be on eggshells trying to figure things out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

Thank you for your words db, if I may comment further. 
I may have come off like a snotty child, and admittedly, at fourteen, my tantrum probably came off as just that. The thing that made my mother late was the bottle. And her particular distaste for me. At one point in my life she told her psycho therapist that she couldn't stand the sight of me because I looked so much like her past. It was wrong for me to throw a tantrum, but the feelings of despair at not being what your mother wanted were heavy. I felt like the only way I could impress her was by being amazing at something, and riding was it. She lied, knowing that she wouldn't be home before the bottle was finished, and the bottles just kept getting bigger. She's stopped drinking now, and is working on our relationship. She still has a hard time looking at me. As far as when she visited my grandmother, I paid her 350 for the plane ticket, and gave her 1000 dollars for the rest of the trip. She left without telling me. 

As far as my captain, I am guilty of allowing him to walk all over me. I love him. He was my guardian when we were kids living down the street from eachother. He held me when my mom hurt me. Took me to the park and made me laugh when I couldn't stop crying. Beat the crap out people hurt me. He protects me and defends me, and he does love me. He's a good man, he just has a problem with women, and lying. About stupid stuff even. He's afraid to ruffle feathers, but not afraid to pluck em out of someone who ruffles his. Currently, I'm pretty sure its just my anxiety and leftover emotional radiation from both of our turbulent pasts. He works for my father, who assures me he's always at work when he says he is. I guess you can say we're working on things. But I appreciate your input, it is something I will think about. Especially about my mother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

Sorry dancingarabian. My bad, I read it too fast, I sincerely apologize. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

It's okay 

Your dependence on Alex is a little concerning. Don't let gratitude cloud your judgement. You don't owe it to him to be with him. Having a problem with women and one with lying is 2 strikes in my book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

Analisa it's so easy for people to lie and for everyone to get paranoid.. then things spin out of control. 

Sometimes people lie because they think the truth will **** the person off or they'll over react. Guys are known for holding off because they don't want to "set the crazy girlfriend off" for example. It goes both ways though. 

If Alex is a real person, and you're in the relationship then it's best to really talk things out. Before it spirals further into no-man's land


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

alex is a real person, theres no lie here. we've been together since august 1st of 2011, and hes been my saving grace in many ways. my anxiety turns out to have been just that. MY anxiety. hes been working for my father since nov 2011, and due to recent circumstances, we've been able to put many of our issues to bed. heres how:

A month ago, my father told alex that the office girl at the shop (which is eventually going to be mine) was quitting. And my dad wanted family back in the office. so, on monday it will have been exactly a month that i've been working 51 hrs a week in my shop, fixing the three yrs worth of damage done since i left the first time to jump on my training career. i still manage the boarding barn, but have since doled out duties to two of my trust worthy boarders for half off their board. The woman we were living with threw a big nasty temper tantrum when i began working again, and after everything that shes done to us (including stealing money, leaving me for months at a time as the sole caregiver of her extremely elderly parents, crashing our truck, lieing to four different barns to try and take clients, lieing to my face about multiple different things, etc.) she tried to demand 600 dollars to cover our "damages". i promptly explained that considering the amount of therapy i've had to pay for, the damage to our truck we've had to fix, the number of things that have been stolen, the damage to my animals shes caused, etc, that i wouldn't be paying her a dime. to which she stomped her feet and slammed her door. turns out, the guy shes been sleeping with for money found a girlfriend and she needed booze and a truck payment. she stole tools out of Alex tool box ( around $3,000 worth, between the snap-on sets, the makita drills and saws, and his special made welding equipment) to cover herself. which, is of little concern. they are insured and will be replaced, and shes in jail. how? because i called human services, and had her parents removed from her care, and had her picked up on elderly abuse and neglect, and violation of probation. now lou and nancy can have the some quality of life, and that dumb cow is where she belongs. her daughter, whom is like a younger sister to me, stays with me on weekends, and with her aunt during the week. 
she stays with me because alex and i are now living in an apartment two streets behind the shop. We use our lunch breaks to let our dogs out, and are planning on getting bikes to ride to work after the place is furnished. our whole life fit in six trash bags when we left the hell hole. we are rebuilding, and doing so on a much better foundation than what we started with. alex has done some reading and talked to my doctor. he now understands my compulsive behaviors, and is working with me to find a happy balance. working a full day helps, as its distracting and gives me a better focus. i haven't thought of self harming in two weeks. it still gets to me, i clench and tweak and shake still, but its manageable, still no meds  

when i sit back, and think of everything alex and i have fought through in the last yr, including him quiting his job, living in a 25 ft trailer with no electric or water, surviving my mother, surviving the gibson house, and now fighting our way into our apartment, i laugh a little. we've fought a war. and anybody who wants to come at me about anything can take their swing. yea, i'm dependant on my fiance, yea im a mental case with more problems than a five yr old ford, but i've got a man who loves me, a future in training and equine management and a five yr contract to serve until i'm set for life with the company thats been in my family for sixty years. try me.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

just because i have time today, and it seems to be a subject of interest for everbody in my life right now.

Alex and i met in 2002. he was 13, i was 12. he went riding his bike past my house with a joint in his mouth, as was his habit. yes i said joint. it made me giggle when he swerved when i said hey. later, my mother told me he was the "bad kid", and i wasn't to hang out with him. but, every time he rode by, i made an excuse to have someplace other than home to be. my dad would chase him down the street with tools, and once with bat when they would catch us together. by fifteen, i was sneaking out of my house to be with him, sometimes til 2 in the morning, just sitting on the hill in the back of our neighborhood. he got picked up on a pretty bad charge at fifteen, and ended up away for two yrs. but he came back, and we picked right up where we left off. then he got a girlfriend, who told him the baby she was carrying was hers. he did the man thing, stayed with her, took care of the baby like it was his until it was seven months old, because he thought it was. until they applied for government help and got a paternity test. it wasn't his. we had gotten out of touch while he was with her, and when he got back, it took him four months to find me. he had gone through every avenue he could. even knocking on my parents door to find me. they told him i moved and they hadnt heard from me cause they hadnt. he found me online, and from the moment i saw his name on my email, i knew he was back for good. i left my boyfriend of 1 yr and 8 months, my 18 bedroom house,my 2 labradoodles and my 32 bunnies (yea, no lie. the pearlmutter family owns pearl paint, and their son and i were together living as grounds keepers for their 5 acre mansion. and i dont care what you think of that.) to live in a 25 ft travel trailer with the man who will soon be my husband. and you know what? i dont regret a single thing. even with his lies, which hes since atoned for, hes my vision of happyness. believe it or not. i don't care. i'm getting married.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

sigh* today, i actually have thoughts. firstly, Annie is learning the spanish walk. so far, we've got our big showy steps, in place. the walking thing is taking a little longer, but the more peppermint i have the more she paso steps instead of taking big elegant strides. i have to find a way to cue her and reward her without exciting her to much. othewise, i'll just have a horse that dances in place. hmph.

secondly, helping others who are genuinely trying to help themselves. a friend of mine (we'll call him Pat) was honorably discharged from the marines a few years back. and when he got here, his mother died, leaving him broke, homeless and completely alone. he sleeps in a tent my dad gave him in a park near our shop, and walks over in the mornings to help with eh cleaning and painting and building maintenance. he legitimately wants to be employed, and be a functional member of society. 
The American red cross has told him they cant help. They said if he had a drug problem, or a mental health issue or something they could give him housing and food. but since hes a perfectly healthy individual, albiet a little disturbed from four years of killing people, they turned him out onto the streets. the veteran programs in the area are full, with a waiting list a mile long. the homeless shelters in the area are so full, people are sleeping in the ally behind it, and in the hallways. 
how can a nation ignore its protectors? how can we seriously turn out the people risking their lives to keep us free? Pat tells me its not so bad, that you learn to appreciate everything we have even if your homeless. But i believe he deserves better. he's been taking showers at our new place, but has refused to couch crash. there needs to be more in place for these men and women. the sacrifice the time it would take to build their lives so we can live ours in peace and we cant even put food in their bellies when they get back with nothing? its infuriating. and no i dont mean infuriating as in burn down buildings go nuts blah blah blah for all you freaking piranha out there. i mean infuriating as in sit here at my desk and research programs and make phone calls, and try to DO something about it. which brings me to something thats been on my mind lately, maybe i do have a superman complex. i want to try and save everything, fix everyone make everything sparkles and rainbows and pudding. its just not possible and i know it, but ****. i look around and it seems like everyones out for themselves with blinders on to the rest of the world. i may not be able to help the whole world, but i can be more conscious. i only wanna do what i can. 
unlike some of the rat turds on this.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

so miss anne has taken a few steps back. we're doing ground work and some refinishing since she's decided she wants to try and be the boss again. hands free leading anyone? 

on to whats really on my mind, taking on more than you can handle.
so far today, i've taken on my dads entry error issues, my moms accounting balancing nightmare, alex's ****yness, and my own anxiety. this is on top of affording our move in, and keeping alex and i both sane. when is to much too much? i know i shouldnt have to shoulder alex's anger but unless i take the time to keep him level, my whole world is liable to flip upside down until he's balanced out again. and my poor dad, just needs help. he's got a panic disorder, and recently its been a biznatch to keep under control. and my mom, is just insane. i shoulder her burdens because to not is to create more of your own. but when is someone supposed to draw the line? i dont want to smoke any more cigarettes today to stay calm, i dont want to leave my desk because i'm shaking to hard to type cause my anxiety is through the roof. just gotta learn when to back off, idk.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

Alright, so. My life has settled into a steady pattern, and i just added the best part. 

for the last couple of months, i've been waking up, taking my meds (for CKD and anxiety) working one job, going to the next job, getting home around 9, make dinner, asleep by 11. i have therapy twice a week, havent self harmed in a long time, and got completely caught up with everything we needed to do at the barn (fixing and repairing-wise). 

Alex has come a long way with his anger issues. firstly, he admitted to having them, and secondly, hes made a HUGE effort in recognizing and refocusing when hes "out of control" of his temper. as a result, we've been doing much better. We even went on our first date since last year!! 

But, the part i'm excited about. Three days a week, i will be getting up at four am, and be going out to train my horse. I havent been able to do any kind of formal training on anne for almost 8 months, and getting back into my itty bitty english saddle is going to be amazing  

We started this morning, and i found that she really reaches for the contact with this new bit. its a lighter copper D-ring snaffle, and w/t shes much softer at the poll, and very "on the bit". but at the canter, shes like a giraffe. i didnt even bother trying to collect her at the canter after a bit because she just kept grabbing the bit and pulling me over her withers. (i need to sit back more and work on my head/hip/heel alignment) so, its back to the round pen for more draw rein work at the canter sans-rider so she can get a little better balanced and not be so......stretchy. we did a lot of bending in frame, and circles, and figure eights, and serpentines, all in frame, at the trot. Did some ground poles and small cross rail work, as she's been very rushy to the fences and i want her to relax and maybe get a little bored before i move her up again. So, Miss Anne is going to be refinished, and may end up in a couple exhibition classes soon.  would be very nice to get back to competing, even if it is just for fun.

Oh, and theres Toby. hes a 13yr old paint horse that was givent to this woman who supposedly does horses for the handicapped. however, the far she works for is not registered as a therapy center, and i dnt think she has any idea what shes doing. Toby is very smart, and very not broke. as in, somebody put a saddle on him, let him bronc it out, and called him done. Hes horrible on the lead, feels constantly like hes going to pop up on you. (i've only been on him once, after watching his new owner slide off the side of him. she wont ride anything but bareback - respect, but only if you can actually RIDE - and she doesnt know how to break him to the bit, so she uses a bit-less bridle with AWFUL pressure points. she's hired me to do his feet, which are ok overall considering. but, i do not believe this horse will ever be good for handicapped kids. unbroke, at 13, with unbelievable energy and not enough discipline....no thanks. i want him, you'll see why when i post pics of him soon. anyhoo, i think i may make a point of working with him and attempting to acquire him. he'd make a lovely barrel/gaming horse. and he kinda matches my Anne 

heres miss Anne from this morning, still dark out  and one from my drive home to get ready for work. lol.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

WE HAVE PROGRESS!

over the weekend, we did some lunging with our side reins, really worked on getting her balanced at the canter on frame. Did beautifully on the line, then got on and just did some play around hacking. soooo this morning, i got on and did our normal w/t warm up, and she did wonderfully. soft on the bit, not pulling my hands to the floor, really getting her hind end under her. We finally have IMPULSION at the trot, and i got a couple nice rounds of extension out of her too. Tried for contact at the canter, and she gave, but fought it. she drops her head and tips her nose in, but grabs the bit and runs with it a little. not out of control just fast and pushy. shes still not comfortable, but she tries for a minute before throwing her tantrum and tossing her head up again. I'm sure it wont be long and we'll have a soft, rounded, on the bit canter. 

we did some crossrail work, and she actually got bored enough to forget to pick up her feet a couple times,  so i threw in a vertical just to wake her up. i have a feeling once she relaxes and collects up at the canter, we should be able to move on to cantering lines without flying around the ring like a gull on crack. She just gets so excited.

And we did some spanish walk work when we were done. shes finally understanding that she can move her back feet AND her front feet when we do this, so another month and we'll be spanish walkin  heres some pictures from after our ride.


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## AnalisaParalyzer (Apr 25, 2012)

We had gate issues today. We've never had gate issues before. i'e been doing a lot more ring work than normal, only because i dont have time to trail ride, but today was exceptionally difficult. Alex was with us this morning, sitting by the gate. and no matter what i was doing, even in frame, Annie wanted nothing more than to pull me straight to the gate. So, although we did well with our in frame work today (albeit a little heavy on my hands what with the dragging to the gate) we will be switching to western for a few rides, and working on our yielding, side passing, and stops in the new bit. hopefully, this will get her out of the rigid "english" mode, and down into a nice relaxed pleasure mode, and i'll get some more focus, and less gate rushing.

realized our problem over fences is me. I get so focused on what shes doing, and we haven't jumped in so long that 'ive actually taken a step back in my posture and strength over the fence. gotta work on my feet not coming up behind me, and not leaning on her neck at my release. BAD MOMMY. 

In other news, my birthday was this weekend!!!! got some pictures of that, and of the doggies


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