# Possible Book Idea?



## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

*I got the job?* I didn't even get to thank the dude! Wait…he hung up on me? The dial tone coming from my phone on the floor confirms that thought.* I have never spoken to the man in my life and he has offered to spend thousands of dollars on me. Alright. My hands are now shaking and there are beads of sweat forming on my upper lip. I have to get it together! I am a grown woman. Kauai is only an 8 hour flight. I didn't have to do much to get the job which proves that it isn't too challenging, but I guess I am okay with that. There are jobs that require extensive training and interviews and all I had to do was speak to his assistant on the phone for a half an hour. I shouldn't complain or second guess such a generous guy. Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump. My heart pounds as I take in the full weight of what was happening. I get to live in Kauai, for free, for a whole year! I get to ride horses. The only downside is working with people that I don’t know; people that have problems that are bigger than mine. *I don’t want them to look to me as a role model. I have screwed up a lot in life. I am shy and don’t like meeting new people. My mom told me my whole life that the only thing I had going for me was my looks. Looks don’t mean much when you get down deep.
I emailed Mr. Chances assistant earlier in the week. The day I would be leaving for the island was today. Leo would be flying down in a month once I got settled. My journey is beginning and I haven't even left my house yet! 
The drive to the airport feels prolonged. If I didn't know the actual amount of time it took me to reach the airport, I would have guessed 5 hours. But no. Only 1 hour had passed and I was already about to board the private jet Mr. Chance had waiting for me. Yes a private jet. Private. As in, just for me. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.


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## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

8 hours and many boxes of mango juice later, I arrived in Kauai. Yes, Mr. Chance also had his own runway for a jet to land. A jet. An oh ya, did I mention it was private? 
Once I had my two large suitcases with me, I was ready to head to the riding center. I was standing on the runway for almost 20 minutes and was considering just walking there,when a jeep pulls up being driven by a smiling guy that looks about my age. He isn't wearing anything but a pair of neon pink board shorts which highlights his tan skin. His hair flips out just above his ears and is dark brown but obviously bleached from hours in the sun. His eyes are bright blue but sort of almond shaped which makes me think he is half Hawaiian. His smile lights up his face almost as much as his eyes and my insides turn to mush. 
“Hey! I'm Aloiki!” He jumps out of the window of the car and puts his hands in the pockets of his shorts. “I will be your personal driver slash tour guide slash...umm...best friend while you are here.”
I tentatively walk over to the overwhelmingly friendly and incredibly enchanting stranger and stick out my hand. 
“Hi I'm Laina.”
He eagerly shakes my hand. “Woah your eyes are sweet! Green and blue and gold-ish? Never seen anything like it. You must be a special girl. Got some kind of kahuna. I like your name. Laina. Kind of mermaid-ish in a way. Actually, you look like a mermaid. We will have to get you in the water. You like horses? We have 35 of them! They all have unique personalities. I will help you find one that fits for you. You are going to love it here. I'll make sure of it. Did you have a nice flight?”
“Uhh...” Is all I can stammer.
“Haha Sorry.” He looks down at his hands and shrugs sheepishly. “I had some really strong coffee this morning. Was up all night with a mare and her foal. The baby's not suckling. Kind of worries me. I will try and slow down for you. You must be overwhelmed.”
“No it's okay. I am just not much of a talker I guess”. I shift my weight to me heels and tug at the hem of my dress. I look up at him and smile. “I get my eyes from my mom. I love mermaids and the water. Horses are amazing and my flight was fine, thanks.”
“Ha! I like you!” He hops into the back of the jeep, throws my bags in the back, jumps back down and opens the passenger door. 
“Hop in nani.” He winks and holds out his hand for me. He has a dimple on his right cheek when he smiles. Oh geez.
“Thank you” I say as I climb into the car with a face as red as a cherry.


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## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

No one wants more??


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## Roadyy (Feb 9, 2013)

I read it and would like to read more, but hope you can break away from so many I's. Bring in some surrounding descriptions for the people and scenery. It could be a very easy read with just a little work..Hope this helps.


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## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

Roadyy said:


> I read it and would like to read more, but hope you can break away from so many I's. Bring in some surrounding descriptions for the people and scenery. It could be a very easy read with just a little work..Hope this helps.


Thank you for the reply! I read the story out loud to myself and couldn't figure out why I didn't like the way it sounded. You helped my realize it! I wrote these couple pages of the story in about an hour so I am going to re-do it with your advice in mind. I'll post my second try later and hopefully it will be more detailed and easier to read


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## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

*Second Try*

The salty sea air that blew through my waist-length dark brown hair stung my eyes in a way that made me smile. The smell of ocean air and horses churn through the breeze. My toes wiggle in the wet sand as I wait for the tide to come crashing in over my ankles. Warm and soothing, back and forth, the waves come rushing in, only to be pulled back by an invisible force.* The last small arms of the water reach out as if they are trying to adhere to the sand. Slowly though, they too will be yanked back into the abyss only to be flung back onto the shore again. 
My alarm clock shrieks and I awake with a jolt. The crust in my eyes from the Sand Man's visit last night makes it hard for me to peel them open. Once I do, I sit up and take in my surroundings. Leo, my cat, is asleep on my favorite blue loveseat by my dark wooden ceder chest. His tiny white paws flick every once in awhile, hinting at the fact that he is probably dreaming. The small rays of sun peak through the gaps in my thin white curtains. They dance around the room as the wind from my open window also disturbs their gentle slumber. The air in my room feels crisp and clean. The smell of freshly cut grass fills the air and I am reminded that it is now summer, and yet again I have no plans. That realization seems to throw me back onto the bed and beg for more sleep. “No more sleeping in until noon” I remind myself as I pull myself out of bed and slowly waddle like an old woman over to the bathroom. 
My feet hit the cold white tile of the bathroom floor and I look into the mirror. The girl in the mirror that I see as I gently take out my braid doesn’t look like the girl I remember seeing in old family videos. She doesn't bare any resemblance to my father or mother, yet as I lift my right hand to touch the cold glass, so does the left hand of the figure. I sigh as I meticulously go through the lengthy list of flaws I find about my appearance. My eyes seem almost too large for my small face. They are bright green and have been called “creepy” by more than one of my old classmates growing up, since they never seem to be the same color from day to day. The bags under them remind me of the sleepless nights I have been tossing and turning through the last few weeks. Last night was the first night in a long while since I have had a dream! Maybe things are going to be better from now on. At least that is what I will say to help me get through the day today.
Once showering and putting on makeup is finished I twist my long hair into a bun on top of my head and flop onto the only couch in my whole apartment. It is white and fluffy and will suck you in and won't let you leave if you aren't careful. I stretch out my legs as I am reminded of the many hours I spent laying on this couch after my parents left, forcing me to sell my horse. My eyes burn with tears at the memory. Selling him was the last thing I wanted to do. I spent just about every day riding him and we were getting so far together. I was just about to ride tack-less at a freestyle reigning show before my parents dropped the bomb. They were leaving for Europe as soon as I graduated and there was no amount of tears or begging that would change their minds. My nail polish picking habit starts to rear its head as I recall the stressful memories. Just like they said, after high school they pretty much abandoned me with no money and no job. I had to stay at a friends house for a while until I could get on my feet. I drag my hands down my cheeks and wipe away the tears along with the memories, at least for a moment. Checking my email seems like a good thing to do to get my mind off of things. I don't have to be at my job at the local used bookstore until 3 and there is time to kill. Strumming my fingers across the keys I remember that I applied for a horseback riding slash secretary slash tour guide job last week. Maybe there is an email from the manager. That would definitely brighten my day.
My laptop takes forever to turn on so I start playing with my phone. Right when I am about to end my game of Candy Crush, the screen lights up with a phone call. I don't recognize the number so I am curious to know who it is. 
“Hello?” I say in my friendliest most perky “phone voice”.
“Hello, my name is Jeremy Chance. You applied for the internship at Manawa Riding Center a few days ago. I am calling to let you know that you got the job. We can fly you to the island as soon as possible. Please email my assistant, Lisa, with the date that works the best for you. She will fill you in on the details.”
Click. His phone hangs up, mine falls from my hands.
The dial tone blares angrily at me from the floor as I sit open-mouthed on my couch. “Did he really just say I got the job?” I yell over to Leo. His head flies up at my overly dramatic shouting. He stairs at me with his bright yellow eyes, yawns, then goes back to sleep. I take that as a yes. “I got the job! I got the job!” I sing as I dance around the room. Leo finally has enough of my crazy antics, hops off the love seat and struts into the bathroom to lay in the sink.


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## Roadyy (Feb 9, 2013)

That is a much better version and is easier to read. I still caution you on having multiple possessives in one sentence. That can distract the reader from the story. Try to figure out how to describe the action or depiction with minute ownership of the character. 

Read back through the second paragraph to see what I mean. You did a good job with the other changes and I really like what this story has to offer. I hope I'm not discouraging you with my comments as I am trying to help not hurt.


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## Tracer (Sep 16, 2012)

The thing that jumps out to me is more a grammatical thing than a problem with the story - try some different punctuation rather than short sentenc after short sentence. For example - 



> My alarm clock shrieks and I awake with a jolt, the crust in my eyes from the Sand Man's visit making it hard for me to peel them open. Once I do, I sit up and take in my surroundings - Leo, my cat, is asleep on my favorite blue loveseat by my dark wooden ceder chest. His tiny white paws flick every once in awhile, hinting at the fact that he is probably dreaming. The small rays of sun peak through the gaps in my thin white curtains, dancing around the room as the wind from my open window disturbs their gentle slumber. The air in my room feels crisp and clean. The smell of freshly cut grass fills the air, reminding me that it is now summer, and yet again I have no plans. That realization seems to throw me back onto the bed and beg for more sleep. “No more sleeping in until noon” I remind myself as I pull myself out of bed and slowly waddle like an old woman over to the bathroom.


Note that this allowed me to take out some of your "I"'s, and it sort of flaws. I'm very fond of semi-colons myself. When you can't decide whether you need a new sentence or some kind of continuation, read it as you would say it. An example -


> The small rays of sun peak through the gaps in my thin white curtains, dancing around the room as the wind from my open window disturbs their gentle slumber


The comma means a short pause, not long enough to disrupt the flow of the sentence. Now, if I replaced it with a semi-colon...


> The small rays of sun peak through the gaps in my thin white curtains; dancing around the room as the wind from my open window disturbs their gentle slumber


That pause is longer, almost like a new sentence but it sticks to the same theme. However, that would work if you wrote it like this-


> The small rays of sun peak through the gaps in my thin white curtains; they dance around the room as the wind from my open window disturbs their gentle slumber


Sorry if this seems annoying, but grammar is something that I've worked on in my own writing for a while, and some variation makes everything read better.

Oh, and as for how I threw the hyphen in there, it could easily be replaced by a semi-colon, but it gives some variety. It works in a similar way by connecting similar ideas.

You also need to keep an eye on your spelling - well, which variation of a word you use. In those lines I showed the ;'s is one example - wrong 'peak'. That peak is the top, or a summit. You want 'peek'. Also, 'he stairs at me' - stares. 

As for the story itself, it has promise. Your descriptions in the first paragraph, in particular, are very good. One suggestion though is how the phone call ends - I can't imagine any employer hanging up without a farewell or an comment on behalf of the employee. Maybe have her stutter a reply, so as to still show her surprise.

I hope this doesn't put you off - this isn't criticism, it's critique. I look forward to seeing how you go. You definitely have a talent, you just need to polish it. Heck, I've been a 'writer' for years and I still need a lot of work!


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## Becca93 (Jan 22, 2009)

Definitely keep writing this - I'm liking it already.

I agree your second version was much better. Remember that a published book is never the first, second or even third version.


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## Roadyy (Feb 9, 2013)

Thank you ladies for joining in to help her become a better writer of her great story ideas. It has the draw for attention and just needs help to keep our focus.

I didn't want to give examples of how I would write it so that she could make it her own in how she fixed it, but the way you did it should help her figure out how to make it her own.


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## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

Thank you so much for the replies! I love all of the help you all are giving me. I am going to work more on the story today and keep all of your suggestions in mind and post some more of the story. I know in the first version of the story I made Aloiki a very upbeat and happy character. I think I am going to change him drastically. I will probably add the upbeat Aloiki as a different person in the story. Thanks again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KaylaMarie96 (Dec 5, 2011)

Tracer said:


> I hope this doesn't put you off - this isn't criticism, it's critique. I look forward to seeing how you go. You definitely have a talent, you just need to polish it. Heck, I've been a 'writer' for years and I still need a lot of work!


Thank you so much! This helped me tons! I have been trying to figure out how to make my sentences have more of a variety. I love the way it flows now after making those changes you suggested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CherryCrush99 (Jun 9, 2013)

You know what, that is brilliant! I know I'm just a kid, but you should finish that and send it to a publisher! I am hooked!


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