# My horse hates me



## Joely Y (Mar 20, 2017)

I feel like my horse hates me and that we don’t really have a good bond. People tell me how their horses come up to them when they hand graze them and that their horses eat right next to them. They tell me how their horses come from pasture when called. Basically their horses love being with them. My horse never comes to me from pasture. She’ll stare at me then keep eating. She doesn’t approach me when I hand graze her, she just gets further and further away. I’m attempting to teach her liberty but whenever I unhook lead rope she goes to pasture and eats grass outside pasture. How can I build an amazing and strong bond with my horse? Please help me


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## cbar (Nov 27, 2015)

I'm sure your horse doesn't hate you. It can take a lot of time to build a bond with a horse and even then you may not have the story-book relationship you desire. I think it also depends on the horse. 

I'm pretty sure my horses don't hate me. Sometimes when I call them they come running, but it isn't out of desire to be close to me. It's b/c they know they will get fed hay. Most horses prefer the company of other horses to humans. 

With that said, there obviously can be a strong bond which is built between horse & rider/handler. I spend a lot of time grooming my horses - I do not put them to work each & every time I catch them. I'm also fortunate to have my horses at home - so they associate me with the person who dispenses their food and gives the random treat. I also just go walking out to their paddock with no halter and give scratches which they all seem to enjoy. 

I find that sometimes just chilling with your horse in its natural setting is a good way to get to know your horse and perhaps work on that bond.


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## Joely Y (Mar 20, 2017)

cbar said:


> I'm sure your horse doesn't hate you. It can take a lot of time to build a bond with a horse and even then you may not have the story-book relationship you desire. I think it also depends on the horse.
> 
> I'm pretty sure my horses don't hate me. Sometimes when I call them they come running, but it isn't out of desire to be close to me. It's b/c they know they will get fed hay. Most horses prefer the company of other horses to humans.
> 
> ...




Thank you! I really feel like she hates me.


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## EstrellaandJericho (Aug 12, 2017)

I spend whatever time I can loafing in the pasture with my horses. It gives me time to inspect the fence and the ground for possible debris and some quality time with them "being horses". I try my best to find their itchy spots and give them some good scratches.


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## walkinthewalk (Jul 23, 2008)

As long as you continue to feel that way, the "sense of it" will get picked up by the horse.

While the true meaning of the word hate is not logical for a horse, sensing ANY emotion of the handler is.

It is not important if the horse doesn't choose to snuggle up to you while grazing. The horse that comes running to me first in the pasture, is the horse that is the most work to ride. Anyone who doesn't know horses would go "aw! Isn't he precious!" As he comes running to the fence -------until they get on him

Focus your senses on building a good working relationship. If you can't come to terms with a horse that is stand-off-fish then sell it and hope you end up with one that has a different personality ---


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

Mine "hated" me until she figured out I have carrots. Now she "loves" me. She also "loves" children. Children have carrots. I think it's safe to say it's all about carrots.

I'm not saying some people and some horses develop a special bond even without carrots but...


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## jpenguin (Jun 18, 2015)

If you're uneasy, she'll pick up on that. It is possible that she isn't a horse that you can get very close to, but I think your imaging a feeling that can't be there


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## Golden Horse (Feb 20, 2010)

She’s a mare, if she isn’t pulling faces at you she doesn’t hate you!

Not every horse wants to be your buddy, i’ve owned Fergie for two years now, she is just starting to be friendly rather than putting up with me.


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

Joely Y said:


> I’m attempting to teach her liberty but whenever I unhook lead rope she goes to pasture and eats grass outside pasture.



Well, this sounds like perfectly normal horse behavior to me. They would much rather go eat than run around doing liberty stuff. You need a round pen or something similar to do that sort of activity...otherwise it's "see you later" from the horse. 
I think your expectations may be a bit unrealistic regarding your relationship with your horse. Some horses are more interested in people that others. I have no idea how long you have had this horse, how old it is, its past history, breed, etc. So many factors to consider. I have found that my horses usually want to hang out with me if they think I am about to do them a favor...or if we are working around the place and there is something they can do to be in the way.
Sometimes I will go out into the pasture and groom. No halter or lead. Nothing like a good shoulder and butt rubbing to create a buddy!
Your horse does not hate you. It just seems rather indifferent to your presence. I prefer that to :falloff:


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## Joely Y (Mar 20, 2017)

Golden Horse said:


> She’s a mare, if she isn’t pulling faces at you she doesn’t hate you!
> 
> 
> 
> Not every horse wants to be your buddy, i’ve owned Fergie for two years now, she is just starting to be friendly rather than putting up with me.




So her following me and coming when called will just take tons of time? I get it’s just me. I get discouraged really easily.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

If you want an animal to follow you around like a dog, get a dog. Many horses are not particularly affectionate the way dogs are. Many horses don't bond to human beings very closely. After all, probably 23 hours out of a typical day, they are with other horses, not you. 

If your horse hated you, you'd know it. She is just indifferent to you most of the time, like the majority of horses. 

My horse took a year before she acted like she knew me from any other person. Now we are good buds, but she's not a dog, and never will be. 

All the "bonding" stuff, by the way, is brand spanking new on the horse scene. For the first 10,000 years, people mostly did not think of horses that way. They did fine.


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## Golden Horse (Feb 20, 2010)

Joely Y said:


> So her following me and coming when called will just take tons of time? I get it’s just me. I get discouraged really easily.



Might never happen, it took 18 months for Fergie to stop walking away when she saw me, not hard to catch, but would walk a few steps away every time. Now we are on standing still, ears up, MAYBE walking a couple of steps to me, but if I didn’t always have cookies, then she probably wouldn’t bother.

Quit worrying about it, she is a horse, not a dog...if she is good under Saddle that is all you can expect, anyth8ng else is just a bonus.


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## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

Joely Y said:


> I feel like my horse hates me and that we don’t really have a good bond. People tell me how their horses come up to them when they hand graze them and that their horses eat right next to them. They tell me how their horses come from pasture when called. Basically their horses love being with them. My horse never comes to me from pasture. She’ll stare at me then keep eating. She doesn’t approach me when I hand graze her, she just gets further and further away. I’m attempting to teach her liberty but whenever I unhook lead rope she goes to pasture and eats grass outside pasture. How can I build an amazing and strong bond with my horse? Please help me


I've owned two horses. My first horse would come bounding up to the gate every time I called him, even when he was being brought in for a painful wound treatment every night for a couple of weeks. He loved attention, and being groomed, and had impeccable ground manners.

My second horse would see me coming out into the field and put me through a twenty-minute-long slow chase through knee-deep mud every single time I went to catch her. Bringing grain didn't even help much. She kept this act up for nearly a year before deciding that dodging me was more work than it was worth. She always acted completely indifferent to human attention.

One of these horses was a stupid jerkface who threw me in the dirt constantly with random explosions and disrespectful behaviour under saddle, and was sold on after only a year. The other horse was absolutely amazing, bombproof, and one I would (and did) trust with my life out on the open road and challenging trails. Guess which one was which.

In short, don't tread too much into it.


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## Joely Y (Mar 20, 2017)

SteadyOn said:


> I've owned two horses. My first horse would come bounding up to the gate every time I called him, even when he was being brought in for a painful wound treatment every night for a couple of weeks. He loved attention, and being groomed, and had impeccable ground manners.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thanks so much for sharing your story!!! It helped me feel so much better. Guess you can’t always have best of both worlds.


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## 3Horses2DogsandaCat (Apr 19, 2016)

My experience with my horses has been somewhat similar to SteadyOn's, just less extreme. My horse that comes running to the gate is the brattiest, and the one that reluctantly lets me halter him is the best behaved.


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Not all horses are buddy types. This one may be one of those. Also you may have irritating mannerisms, or too high pitched a voice. If you are constantly doing something with your hands, or baby talking? Stop it.

Watch how you behave, see if you are more 'up' majority of time, horses will avoid that.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Palomine said:


> Not all horses are buddy types. This one may be one of those. Also you may have irritating mannerisms, or too high pitched a voice. If you are constantly doing something with your hands, or baby talking? Stop it.
> 
> Watch how you behave, see if you are more 'up' majority of time, horses will avoid that.


Seems harsh but it is true. Get a lawn chair and go read a book in the pasture. Don't be grabby or smoochy or squeaky. Be a calm easy presence. Horses are attracted to that.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Joely Y said:


> So her following me and coming when called will just take tons of time? I get it’s just me. I get discouraged really easily.


If your goal is to have a horse that comes when it is called, teach her that behavior. You will need to learn how to teach liberty behaviors, using behavior-mod techniques (i.e. clicker training). You will need to learn how to limit distractions at first, how to better time your rewards, how 'chain' behaviors together, and much more -- there is a fair amount to it. Horse training is not a romantic movie. It's work. Pleasurable work (to horse trainers), but work. 

Now, if you want your horse to love you like a soul mate, and come running to you in slo-mo because she's been pining for your company . . . get a dog. And you'll probably still have to teach it to come when it's called.


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

Someone already said this, but carrots (or any other treat they like) works wonders. Currently I have two mares (and a gelding) and all are very happy to see me. I know it's the treats, but it still feels like "love." Mares seem to have a reputation for having a sour attitude according to a lot of people I guess, but mine are wonderfully friendly and loving. I don't know how much of that is their personality and how much is giving them treats (or hay) every time I see them, but I get no cranky faces from my mares, at all. The only time one mare gives me a very slight cranky face is when I cinch her up.

When I say they are "loving" what I mean is they seem happy to see me, come right up to me, and are happy to be groomed and scratched. I don't think it's realistic to have them follow you around at liberty when there is really good grass competing for their attention. But I do think it's entirely realistic to have a horse happy to be caught and happy to be groomed and even happy to be ridden.

And like others have said, some horses are more friendly than others. But that doesn't mean a few carrots won't help your relationship.

I once bought a very well trained but slightly suspicious BLM Mustang. He was a man's horse, a working horse, not very used to being loved on. When I tried to hug him his head would shoot up and his eyes would roll like he was about to be attacked. After maybe a year or two not only was he hug-able, he was downright friendly and trusting. He ended up being a really affectionate horse but it took a while. I don't think any of his previous owners were looking for that so he didn't give it. He had to learn to be affectionate.


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## Joely Y (Mar 20, 2017)

Avna said:


> If your goal is to have a horse that comes when it is called, teach her that behavior. You will need to learn how to teach liberty behaviors, using behavior-mod techniques (i.e. clicker training). You will need to learn how to limit distractions at first, how to better time your rewards, how 'chain' behaviors together, and much more -- there is a fair amount to it. Horse training is not a romantic movie. It's work. Pleasurable work (to horse trainers), but work.
> 
> Now, if you want your horse to love you like a soul mate, and come running to you in slo-mo because she's been pining for your company . . . get a dog. And you'll probably still have to teach it to come when it's called.




That’s exactly what I wanted!!! I think I just was impatient today when I tried to teach her and she just stared at me like I had 10 heads. I’ll keep working on it with her.


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## JoBlueQuarter (Jan 20, 2017)

My gelding doesn't care if I go drown myself unless I have treats with me, and my mare is kind of the same. _Sometimes_ (like, once in a blue moon), she'll actually look forward to riding, if she knows we're gonna be working cows (that's the one thing she loves doing almost as much as eating!), and won't run away when I try to catch her. Honestly, she's never come towards me of her own accord unless she can smell peppermint treats, and I'm happy if she doesn't make me chase her all over the pasture when I try to catch her. When I first got her... man, I got more exercise trying to catch her, than she got when I was riding her! Now I got a 2-year-old filly, and she's the opposite of Blue and Paso. Heidi (the filly) loves hanging out, loves working... pretty much loves everything! Not every horse is gonna be like that though, which I learned with my 2 other horses.
What I mean to say here is: different horses have different personalities; some love hanging out, while others just want to eat all day, and I've learned to work with that. I'll use my filly's need to socialize by ignoring her if she's being bad, and praising and petting her when she's done something good. With my older mare, I'll be happy with the minimum, and kinda leave that area be, 'cause that's just the way she is. All that being said, as our bond strengthened, we did get a little closer, and we don't feel like killing each other as often as we used. :lol:
So, just hang out; spend more time together, don't expect a lot at first, and don't get discouraged!


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

trailhorserider said:


> <snip>
> 
> I once bought a very well trained but slightly suspicious BLM Mustang. He was a man's horse, a working horse, not very used to being loved on. When I tried to hug him his head would shoot up and his eyes would roll like he was about to be attacked. After maybe a year or two not only was he hug-able, he was downright friendly and trusting. He ended up being a really affectionate horse but it took a while. I don't think any of his previous owners were looking for that so he didn't give it. He had to learn to be affectionate.


Horses do not show affection with hugs and kisses, so when they accept them, it is simply training, not an emotional breakthrough for the horse. It is just like teaching a horse to put their head down to be bridled. Now if a horse chewed gently on your withers it would be another thing . . .

A friend of mine taught her horse to "give her a hug" by curling her neck around my friend's body and letting her face be kissed all over with smoochy smacky sounds. Then she pretended that her horse did that because she was so loving and dear. I pointed out that it was just as loving as a dog balancing a biscuit on its nose, but she ignored me. Her story was much too important to her to give up. Yes, we do irritate each other, but we've been friends for 40 years so I guess we just agree to disagree....


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## Golden Horse (Feb 20, 2010)

Avna said:


> I pointed out that it was just as loving as a dog balancing a biscuit on its nose, but she ignored me. Her story was much too important to her to give up. Yes, we do irritate each other, but we've been friends for 40 years so I guess we just agree to disagree....


:rofl::rofl:

All that comes to mind is this


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Golden Horse said:


> :rofl::rofl:
> 
> All that comes to mind is this


Just call me "D.C". My reality-based universe can be intensely annoying to many.


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## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

Avna said:


> Horses do not show affection with hugs and kisses, so when they accept them, it is simply training, not an emotional breakthrough for the horse. It is just like teaching a horse to put their head down to be bridled. Now if a horse chewed gently on your withers it would be another thing . . .


So? I never meant to imply it was an emotional breakthrough for the horse. It was more like the horse learned to trust me and accept my affection. Instead of staying suspicious he became friendly and didn't look wild eyed when I hugged him. I think he learned to like my company, especially when accompanied by treats. So, I really don't see what the big deal is with what I said. Maybe I just worded it in the wrong way. 

About the wither chewing thing.......everyone, humans and horses, are taught that is wrong to let a horse groom you or chew on you. But I often wondered since it's a sign of friendship to the horse, then it's not really a misbehavior the way humans like to think of it is. The conversation might go something like this:

Horse: You are grooming me in a good spot. I will groom you back since you are scratching my itch, just like another horse. We are friends now.

Human: OMG you just put your TEETH on me! Bad, biting, disrespectful horse! How dare you! 

I have begun to think of a lot of the things I was taught about horses is actually incorrect. Especially concerning dominance in training. I was pretty much taught that the horse is out to climb in the pecking order, must be corrected constantly and if he does the misbehavior again, you did not correct him hard enough the first time. Problem is, I don't make a good dominatrix. That's not my reason for having horses. I actually want a friendly relationship with my horse. If my idea of affection is hugs and kisses and his idea is treats and grooming, so be it. Yes, we must be in control to stay safe. But I don't think everything the horse does is out of evil intent, the way I was taught.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

trailhorserider said:


> So? I never meant to imply it was an emotional breakthrough for the horse. It was more like the horse learned to trust me and accept my affection. Instead of staying suspicious he became friendly and didn't look wild eyed when I hugged him. I think he learned to like my company, especially when accompanied by treats. So, I really don't see what the big deal is with what I said. Maybe I just worded it in the wrong way.
> 
> About the wither chewing thing.......everyone, humans and horses, are taught that is wrong to let a horse groom you or chew on you. But I often wondered since it's a sign of friendship to the horse, then it's not really a misbehavior the way humans like to think of it is. The conversation might go something like this:
> 
> ...


I was more snarky than I meant to be, sorry -- I agree that he learned to trust you and that's a good thing. The withers chewing was meant to be funny -- if my horse did this I wouldn't punish her but I would certainly stop her! I remember once I was scratching a foal who got so ecstatic about it that he took a big bite out of his mom! She was not amused. 

As long as you understand each other's intentions then I think it's all good. I have a bee in my bonnet about people anthropomorphizing horse behavior, you probably noticed.


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