# Returning Home - The Five Year Plan



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

you write well, but more frequent paragraph breaks would be welcomed by my old eyes.


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

Some of you might feel my reaction to my mother asking me how I felt about them moving out of my childhood home might've been a bit strong. I don't think so. Because I was intelligent enough to know what was going to happen. In 1999, seventeen years ago, when I was twenty-three years old, my mom past on. And just like I was predicting, after she was gone, there was absolutely no way in the world possible to get my dad to return home. So instead of getting to see my dad three to four times a week, the normal for me, I might only get to see him once a month. Instead of me being able to take my children over there to visit as much I use to, we see him perhaps once a month. And with each passing year, watching my dad age, I see time getting more and more precious. I try and call every week. My dad is not an easy man to find sometimes. He no longer raises soybeans, corn and wheat. He now raises Angus cattle. And he still works as hard as he did when back when I was seven, playing in the wheat fields out at the old farm.

Some of you are not going to like what I am about to say, but that's okay. I'm not really asking for any one else to put an opinion on it, I am only saying how I feel and think when I say... there is no cure for cancer. One out of three people has been touched by it in one way or another. Its not easy to go though, and it's not easy to watch loved ones going though it either. Doctors are great at putting a patch on it. Like putting a band aid over a hemorrhage to slow the bleeding. But they're not so great at getting rid of it permanently. It always, always, always comes back eventually. It might take years or decades, but in my experience being around it, it always comes back. It's my biggest nemesis. I have yet to have had a loved one in my lifetime, who has contracted the disease, and not died by it. So if you want to know what my reaction is any time someone I love tells me they have cancer, you can bet it's not a positive one. All hope within me is dead. And that time bomb in my head starts to tick off like a clock counting backwards. The apprehension as things worsen and I watch them start to deteriorate, unable to eat, is like a venomous insect slowly creeping up the back of my spine, moving millimeter by millimeter year by year, up to the base of my neck where eventually it'll hit me right in the back of the neck and poison my world all over again. And there won't be a dang thing I can do about it to stop it but sit and watch. The is nothing like the hopelessness, the helplessness you feel, when watching someone you care about go though that. You're nearly desperate to find even the smallest task to help them. Even being able to fetch them something as simple as a glass of water is a blessing. It's something to do. It's something to do for them. So, no, no one can ever tell me there's a cure for cancer. I won't listen. At least, not yet. Medical science will have to prove its advanced beyond what it is now for me to even give it a passing thought.

I felt my uncle push me away gently. I didn't understand. It was so unlike him. Normally, he would be grabbing me and pulling me under his arm for a hug. He stands up and leaves the room. Everyone in the room notices me watching him go, and can see the worried look on my face. Finally, someone says to me, "Uncle is sick." Oh my gosh you could've herd my heart fall though the floor. I knew what it was even before anyone said anything. I was up and out of there, looking for my aunt down the hall before anyone could stop me. I didn't have to say anything. She grabbed me, and hugged me for all I was worth, knowing I really needed someone to hold me together at that moment, I was about to break apart. I can remember her voice saying, "It's going to be okay, he's going to be all right, we're getting him the best medical care money can buy and the best doctors in the country." I wasn't comforted, not even one little bit. I wept like tomorrow wasn't coming, "Don't make promises to me you can't keep Auntie," as I pulled back, re-gained myself from the shock of just having gotten the news. It was Christmas Eve, the whole family was together.. And as usual, I said what I was feeling to my aunt, "Happy f***ing birthday to me, right?" And I seen my aunts face, she understood, she guided me to the door, put me in my car. I went home. Six months later my uncle was gone. Liver cancer, just like his brother. 

My family was large when I was young. These days it's down to a skeleton crew. Most of them are not blood relatives but family by marriages that are no longer. I'm pretty much alone these days. I have my dad still, thank goodness. He's my rock. I have my husband and my boys. They keep me going like nothing else on this plant. But I've no one around when my boys are at school or my husband is at work. I try and fill my time with my hobbies but I'm often restless for something more. I'm a caged rat in this house in town. There's no wide open spaces for me to get lost in. There's no wheat fields to lay down in, watch the sun slowly moving across the sky, the clouds float by. And I get homesick.

Some of you may remember this story I posted on another thread.. I'm just going to cut and paste it.. save my fingers some leg work.. Seeing as this story has a lot to do with my current relationship with horses..

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Sometimes you need to see a bit of ugly, in order to appreciate the good all the more.

I grew up on a farm. Three bedroom house with 14 people living in it. My parents and five of us siblings total. Plus grand parents, an aunt and a few cousins. We had two large horses, Lucy and Pearl, that my cousin would ride. Older cousin was 14 years older than I was. I was just a little thing. But I would watch those around me like a hawk, typical kid, and it would be how I would pick up on things. One evening I seen my cousin load up old Pearl into the horse trailer, get dressed up in her western gear, and load into the truck. I ask my mom, "Where she goin?" Mom tells me, "She's going to a rodeo." I ask, little as I was, "What's a rodeo?" She tries to explain it, I try to imagine it in my head, but can't quite picture it. "Can I go, mama, please? I'll be good, I promise! I'll do brother's chorse tomorrow!" She looks at my 19 year old cousin, cousin nods her head, taking me on as her responsibility, and we load up in the truck and head on out. I'm so excited I could just wet myself. Someone is letting me be around horses when most the time, I've been told to keep my distance until an adult says it's okay. The whole ride there I'm sitting backwards in the seat of the truck (this was before the dern seat belt laws we have these days mind you) my little hands just glued to the back of the seat and eyes just watching every little move that Pearl is doing in the trailer. She was bobbin her head, pawing the floor of the trailer. I got the impression out of old Pearl she was saying, "Hurry up n get there already." Not sure to this day if that was going on or not, but it's how I interpreted the situation. My cousin could've beaten the ever lovin livin heck outta me at that moment, and I wouldn't have cared, I still would've thought she walked on water. Someone, for the first time, in a really long time was spending a little time with me, just me, and me alone. I didn't have to share nobody with my twin sister. Meant so **** much to me didn't really care much what went on, was just happy to be allowed to go. I felt free for a minute or two.

We pull up, I pile out of the truck and I get told to sit on the trailer's tire hump and keep there until told otherwise. No big deal. I watch cousin unload old Pearl, shine her up like a new penny. She tosses me a brush and tells me "keep away from her tail and hind legs!" Oh boy! I get to help groom? Really? That made my day all the better. She didn't tell me if what I was doing was right, didn't say much at all, just kept to her task, getting old Perl ready to compete. Not that I knew what she was about to do. I could barely reach this horses belly, but man I'm all into this!

Suddenly this devastatingly handsome cowboy walks up, puts his arms around cousin, and I could've squealed when he turned those blue eyes on scronny little old me in my hand-made sun dress and second-hand sandles, and ruffled my hair. Knew right then I wanted to marry a cowboy! Got hell bent on it. My cousin introduces me to this cowboy, but I didn't get his name, was too dang shell shocked from the appearance of this adonas. I hadn't been aware men that handsome existed. Well, besides my dad. But little girls are bias when it comes to their dads! My cousin asks him to watch me for a minute, he puts me on his shoulders, and we watch cousin get into the line up. We're standing around the arena, and I've got the best view in the house! They do the introductions, pledge of allegiance, play the national anthem, the local round up club impresses me to no end when they put on a bit of a show for us spectators. I hadn't been aware horses could do things like that! Then it was kids my age, not much bigger than me, who were out there roping these little calves and riding them! Wow! I was a little jealous. Whey didn't anyone ever spend time with me to teach me things like that? Then the adults got in there. They rode bronks, they rode steers, and the guy tells me who ever stays on longest wins. All my little brain needed to get a grasp on what was going on. 

The last event was these cowboys, breaking in these three year olds. Afterwards, I was told, they were going to be put up for auction, people could buy them. All the cowboys start to sit on the edge of the fence. About that time, my cousin is back, she's moving up behind us with old Pearl, and seeing to old Pearl while we watch on just a few feet away. I look down at the guy who's right shoulder I've been sitting on this whole time and he hasn't even flinched, he's acting like I don't weigh much more than a feather. I look back at the arena, got the shock of my life. Some of these cowboys, weren't exactly gentle. Some did all right, managed to stay on, others were getting a flying lesson and some other cowboy would have to come over and try where he didn't quite make it. One at a time, these colts would stop bucking, settle down, get a bridal on them for the first time and sold off. The last of the colt was this breathtaking black stallion. His mane nearly drug the ground. His tail was near touching it. Beautiful. I was once again captivated. And this stallion was having none of it. Each time he'd buck them off, and each time those cowboys got more and more aggressive. I started crying. I felt sorry for the horse. At the time, I didn't understand why. But I didn't like what I was seeing. They started to beat this beautiful horse! And I mean beat him! One one said anything. No one did anything. The horse starts bleeding from one of the whip cracks on his shoulder. I see the horse panic. I see clowns get stomped. I see people getting hurt. I see a few smarter cowboys get the hell out of the arena. And in the end, I seen that beautiful stallion die. I see it get shot in the head. And they told me it was mercy. And I couldn't wrap my brain around as to why. Why did that poor beautiful horse have to die? It didn't make any sense to me at all. But suddenly, my love of the horse world died. If that is what it meant to raise horses, if that is what it took, I wanted none of it. I didn't say a word. I got down, got in the truck. Didn't speak to no one or go near anyone for the next month. Just mindlessly, robotic-like, went though my daily routines and kept to myself. My cousin, having seen it herself, tried to cheer me a few times, but I was pretty much inconsolable. 

From that point on, if someone asked me to be around horses, I just shook my head no, and kept to myself. She'd try to get me to help her groom old Pearl. My heart would pick up at the thought, but I wouldn't go. Couldn't drag me. 

Years pass. Pretty soon I find myself at the same age my cousin was then. I'm age 18 then, and at a friends house out in the country. We're just a couple of girls out in a swimming pool, doing what teenage girls do, talking about the things teenage girls talk about. I get outta the pool, and standing on the raised deck of it, get a glimpse of this old man, out in a pastor, standing in a round pen, with this young horse. I cock my head to the side. 'Now what the heck is he doing,' I think to myself. I get my towel, start to dry off and found my feet moving in that direction. I'm leaning over the barbed wire fence that separates my friend's property, from this neighbor's property, just watching him. He gives me nod, as to say, 'Yeah I know you're there.' And I get the impression I should stay where I am at, keep my distance. But I wasn't moving from the fence, looking into that round pen that was about 30 yards off. This guy. He doesn't have a whip. Doesn't have on any spurs. Only has this rope. And he's getting this little baby colt to do just about anything he wants it to do, with these gentle graceful movements I'd never seen before. And in about the same amount of time it took for one person to tear me down, and cause me to loose faith in people when it comes to the horse world, this gentle little man, restored it. There wasn't any yelling going on. The horse wasn't scared out of its mind. No one was getting beat half to death. It was just patience, endless amount of patience and a firm hand of guidance that wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. And watching it, I kicked myself. I'd given something that I had loved beyond all reason up, because of stupid reasons.

And that leads me to where I am now. I'm 42 now. I don't know much about horses at all. Besides, if you give me a brush, the brush goes this way down the horse. But I know, I don't want to live the rest of my life, without having a horse in it. So here I am, a lot of years lost when it comes to the horse world, but a lot of other things gained, trying to get back a little time. And I'm all right with that.

.......
That takes us back to today, where I am now again. I had my first riding lesson a little over a week ago. I'm still a little sore. My husband is STILL laughing at me for it, and I'm still tossing pillows at his head when he teases me about it..

... more updates later... time for breakfast...


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

Now some of you might be able to imagine what it's like, living in a large family. No one, and I mean no one, gets individual time. Face time with any one person, without someone else around, just doesn't happen often, or at all. Add a twin sister into the mix, forget it! Where ever one twin was the other wanted to go too. So like the story above, any time someone bothered with me, and just me, I always felt on top of the world. Getting time with just my mom, or just my dad? I can't remember many moments like that. Most the time I remember having to nearly stand in line just to get a question in, or having to nearly shout over someone else to get some important information. Things were crazy all the time.

Back to my dad's grandparents. My great grandma and great grandpa. Some of you might've herd the stories from your own great grand parents growing up, what the war was like in and around Germany. You may have similar stories, of how your family came to be in America, even if it was a few generations ago. Well, we're not much different. Great Gramps bought a bit of property near Tulsa. It was just a few acres to grow some fruit trees on and a garden, and sell what they were not using off to make a bit of a living. Times were hard then. It was good to have food on the table. They struggled. Much like my dad, they would have to get up way before daybreak and get out, get to work. They would bag tomatoes and take them down to the local farmer's market. Other people there would put the best tomatoes on top of the bags and hide the less appealing ones to the bottoms of the bags if they were still green, had holes, what ever. Eventually, people figured out my Great's were honest hard working people. "Hey, look over here, these people, all the tomatoes in their bags are good! Not even one blemish!" And so, by working hard, being honest, treating people fairly, they made a small living. They were not rich by any means, but they got by. And Gramps, well, he was a penny pincher, a miser to an extreme. Fair in all his work but thrifty as he could get. Eventually, he saved up enough, he bought more land. Luck had it, the land he bought was full of oil. He made a deal with Oklahoma Natural Gas for over a million dollars. A lot of money back then. A whole lot. So Gramps packs the family up, moves again, having sold the land to ONG. Dang Gramp's luck strikes again.. Once again, more land, more oil. Was it intentional or was it just luck? No one in the family knows and Gram never said a word. And that's how they ended up at the place in Bixby. The land I now own. They took the money they got from the land sales and split it up among their nine children. By the time it was all split up, it was a more than generous sized nest egg for each of them. And the only thing my grand parents kept was the fourty achers with the house, barn, orchards and gardens. Gramps worked there until he past on, leaving Gram behind.

Now, out of the nine, my dad's dad, he chose to take his, marry his sweetheart, and follow in old Gramp's foot steps. He built her a heck of a nice house where they stayed for more than sixty years. Until gram could no longer take care of him and moved here to town to be closer to the nursing home. The same house, over the hill, I use to walk to when I little. Gramps was just as good with his noggin as his father. What ever he touched, turned to gold. He had four kids. Oliver, the first uncle I lost, had been the eldest. When I was little he looked so much like my dad that sometimes, I would mix the two of them up and bother the wrong one with questions. Mary was the second eldest. Ed, the uncle who would hug me to bits and one of my favorites. Then my dad.

Grandpa made enough money though his own investments, that, when he past, all of us kids got a car, a house and an education. The car might not have been brand new, the house might not be a dream home or brand new, but the education sure as heck was top of the line. And my dad is no slouch. He took his portion. Invested. And he's done more than all right for himself too. When my dad goes, hopefully never but I know that's not possible, not only will us kids who are still alive be all right... but dad's grand kids, great grand kids, and great great grand kids will have the three things we had. A car, a cozy little house that's not quite new but the roof doesn't leak, and one heck of an education. 

I took my shares, after my grandparents past on, and did what my grandpa did. I invested in land. "Land kido, its the thing people will always need and there will never be enough of. You can never go wrong when you invest in land." So that's what I've been doing since I was 28. I look for properties that look like utter hell, have them looked at by a few experts. The experts tell me if the land is any good or not and from there I either buy or pass. If it's good, I buy it, rip the old house up and build a small renter property on top of it. At the moment I only have the one property that brings me in $2,200 a month. It's not much, but it gets us by with my husband working. I'm currently, nearly ready to get my next one. By next year, I'll have enough saved up I an buy another 3 acres here in town, and put two small houses down on top of that. Rent those out. I get that done, then half way home. Half way to my goal. Half of what I need and want, to at long last, return home.. to do the repairs.. to start again.. get back to my roots and back to the place where there was once a nice little old lady from Germany, who would lull me to sleep by telling wonderful stories and stroking my hair..


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

My dad was just here for a visit. Had a nice talk. Was good that my sons got to see him for a bit. He seems like he's doing well. Was glad he stopped by. I promised a few of you that I would ask him about his hay. He said his hay would be ready to bail in about two weeks. He's got the biggest sized round bails you can get. I'm 5'5" and these bails are taller than I am, so that gives you an idea. They're huge. He said if you buy from him, you'd have to haul them because he's too busy to do it. But he would load it for you if it was just a few bails. He grows Bermuda with a mix of rye in it. He admits openly it's meant for cows, not horses, so not really horse quality hay. He said the person who lives next to my land in Bixby grows top quality horse hay, the 4x5 round bails. The guy's name is Steve Gun. So if you're an Okie like me, looking for hay, he's the one to ask as far as my dad's opinion goes. I was rather happy to hear it. I won't have to go far to get hay once I get horses.


But yeah, promised kept, I feel better. Just hope those of you who were asking read this.


I had an interesting morning. To say the least. After letting my boys stay outside longer than I usually do last night, and play in their kiddie pool, they were worn out. The two of them will usually wake me up at about 5:00am, no matter the day of the week, wanting this that or the other. But between the kiddie pool, water guns, water sprinkler, and blow bubbles, they were down for the count and not moving this morning. That's why I was kind of surprised that it was my cat, Sophie, who woke me up instead. She came into the room meowing like she usually does when she's hungry. She got my usual response, "You can wait until breakfast time Sophie, go away!" I rolled over, pulled the blanket up over my head, tried to go back to sleep. But she wasn't having that. I felt her jump up on the bed, climb up my back, pull the covers down and start putting her fuzzy paws on my face, my nose, over my eyes, trying to wake me up and get me out of bed. She was talking the whole time, "Mom mom mom, wake up mom, mom mom mom," she was worst than Stewie Griffin! Finally at last she did something she next to never does, she let out this weird caterwaul. That made me blink. Weird. Sophie never caterwauls unless there is something in HER yard. It's probably that same dang bird again, out there enjoying himself to some bugs and worms after we mowed the grass yesterday. But curious, I got up, went to the kitchen and looked out the back window to see what has my "fur buddy" all up in a twisted state. 


I standing in a pitch black house, looking out my back kitchen window, into my back yard. Back yard has an eight feet high wooden fence that I put there deliberately to keep the dang apartment people that live on the other side - out! But that didn't stop this guy. I can see him moving though the pickets of my fence with the apartment lighting behind him. He's got one of his hands on my fence, trying to force one of the pickets off. I'm guessing he's hoping that once the picket is down, the 2x4s will make it easy as pie to climb up and get over. He never had the chance. I was on the phone, calling the cops, soon as he touched my fence and started to rattle it. I seen the cop car lights, I seen another hand remove his hand from my fence, I seen the cop car drive away, that problem is solved. 


Meanwhile, now I have to deal with Sophie. Smug Sophie. I swear if this cat could talk she would be saying, "I told you so mommy!" >.< Smart-*** like the rest of everyone else who lives in this house. She got a huge portion of turkey treats, more so than what I would normally allow for her, one hell of a cuddle, and told many times that she was a "Good Kitty." Who needs a dog? I have Sophie. 


As smug as she's acting right now. I'm dang proud of that cat. She loves her humans. She went above and beyond the call of duty this morning. I owe her one.

Almost time to collect rent. Then once I get it, I have to be the fair and just land lady and listen to any problems, do any repairs, and if there's any issues, find new renters. From there it's paying bills at my own house, fixing problems at my own house, and seeing what I have left over. Going to take $40 out of it for my riding lesson, toss the rest into savings. A bit more to add to this "five year plan" of mine.. My investment adviser, family member, someone I trust, has a number he wants me to reach before I make a deal with him and place an investment at his office. I'm going to give him a chance. He sure as heck did right by my dad..

Waiting a bit impatiently for my husband to get home. Kinda needing someone to talk to that doesn't want to talk about Angry Birds all the time. You moms out there with small kids will know exactly what I mean by that.


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

This is me, sitting on Pearl. I said I was just 'a little thing' when we had her, I wasn't joking. Of course, she looks a lot younger than what I remember, considering she and I grew up together. I remember her when her nose started to turn gray.. We're in her pastor, the wooded area behind our house, just walking along the trees. And no worries, there's like 10 adults around me when this photo was taken. 










And notice this one has no 'pearl' marks on her bum. This is Lucy. And the last time anyone managed to get me on her back. She bucked me off right after this photo was taken and I wouldn't ride her again. lol Can you blame me? That's a long drop for a little kid. And the reason I want a horse that fits my size. Not one too small, or too big.. You can see the pond we use to swim in, in the background. 










This is great grandma's house, before it burned down. It faces away from the road. This is the front of the house but if faces the back.. The house I am building will face the road, and this will be my kitchen, facing the back yard.. This photo was also taken after the first tornado hit it, notice the second story of the house is missing.









Me learning to swim in the pond with my life vest. I was a fish a couple years after this. Loved the water. But the water moccasins also loved this pond too.. 










I told a few of you I loved Great Danes and Black Labs. This kind of explains it all. This is "Gus" and he was both. A mix of Great Dane and Lab. My dad took this photo when I was a kid and has just taught Gus how to "sit." I was pretty proud of myself, and of Gus.










Bit older and had a lot of chores to do. About the age I had to get up early, feed all the animals. I'm about to nail my dad with that snowball. lol This is our front yard back then on the farm. Looking down at the barn. The wooded area to the right is the one I would walk through, over the hill to get to my grandmas. I thought I was big stuff with my fake fur rabbit coat. lol









The house I grew up in. Three bedroom, two bath.. And my dad built most of it by hand.


Today it's raining here, I couldn't get outside much. I went to the indoor gun range for a couple of hours intead. Did my Annie Oakley routine with our .22 to see how many .22 shells I could go though.. Give my husband a challenge of replacing them. lol It's no bother, he does work in sporting goods.. He's the first to know when they get shells in..

I'm not sure what breed Lucy and Pearl were, but you all are welcome to take a guess. Not that I could ever say one way or another. As you can tell, I was a bit young. I can't remember.


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

I've been though my fair share of what my dad calls 'bad luck.' I call them my 'lessons in compassion.' Without going though a lot of muck in your life, you'll never know what it feels like, so can never really start to grasp what others feel when they're going though it. And my heart always sinks when I hear someone else going though something horrible I've been though myself. My heart really does go out to them. And I wish I could tell them how much, but I never really know how to start. It's an awkward moment for me, not knowing what to do or say. I don't feel like I'm real good with people. I always say things in a way that sounds great in my head, but when it comes out of my mouth its so misunderstood I find myself doing a back-pedal all the time in order to try to get what I was trying to say across in the right way. Sometimes I find it near impossible to voice what's in my mind or heart. And there's moments it means a lot to me to get it across, and frustrating when I find myself faltering in my efforts to be more eloquent with others and coming short. Granted, there are individuals who it's a waste of time to try to get them to listen. But for the people who matter to me, it can drive me up the wall. It makes me wish I had more people my own age around growing up. I might find communicating with others now more natural. I hear I'm not the only horse lover that feels this way. That's a small comfort.


There are some out there that have tons of friends all around them. If you look at their Facebook pages their friends go into the thousands. There's less than thirty people on my Facebook page and strangers are not welcome there. Neither are new acquaintances. I'm just not a friend hoarder. And for some people, I have a weird view on friendship and what it is, what it means to me. For me, if I call someone my friend, it means something. They might as well be family as far as I'm concerned, because there's not much difference. These days, it seems like people get so darn touchy they don't want to offend anyone so the old habit of introducing someone as a 'new acquaintance' has pretty much vanished. And me, I'm stuck in those days, those old traditions, to a point. Because I still do that. And I still get weird looks when I do it. And I don't get way. Especially when it's the truth. There's moments, for me, when I feel like people are weird. Hoping it's just me. I feel like being called weird is a compliment. Means there is at least a part of me that is a break-apart from the cookie-cutter mold. Something unique.


These things are on my brain today because I've realized I've never had a friendship that has ever lasted with someone less than five years. My last girlfriend, who I knew since I was eighteen, moved on recently. Packed her little boy up and moved. She changed. I'm still the same old bat I ever was these past few years. I wished her the best, said my good-byes. We both agreed that if she was ever in this neck of the woods or needed me for anything, I was here for her. But for the most part, I didn't fit in her life anymore. She went and found religion. Touchy subject for me. And the amount of it she found was too much for my comfort zone. There's only so much of it I can take before, to me, it becomes down right brain washing. The things she and I use to love to do together were starting to become an issue for her. My country music was suddenly all wrong. I have been listening to the same station for an ice age, way before I met her. My occasional bad language was now an issue, even when the kids were not in the room. Did not matter that I've been this way since she and I met. But I tried altering that at least, out of respect. I still slipped at times. My clothes were wrong. My hair was wrong. All in all, I was just wrong. I no longer fit. I had a bit of a rough time saying good-bye after being friends this long. But I know it's the right choice. Let it go. Perhaps she'll come back this way. Perhaps she won't. Wish her the best no matter where her feet land. But I do miss her sometimes. Thought about her today when I got an inclination to want to go out to Toco Bueno, one of our old hang outs.. Then thought better of it.


All this made me realize I really need to get out, meet a few new people. All the friends I use to have are gone. I just never bothered to meet anyone new after they left. Looking forward to my riding lesson on Thursday. I'm hoping nothing goes wrong at my husband's work and he gets called in and I have to cancel my lesson. It's going to be good to be around people closer to my own age. And horses! Horses are good too! 


"Do something every day that brings you closer to your dreams." Today it's a bit of banking. Nothing exciting. And nothing that I can share in great detail. But one small step closer to getting me and my family where we want to go.


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

"Do something each day that will get you one step closer to your dreams."


Lets see, what did I do today that helped me with that? Today was pretty quiet. My husband had jury duty and I stayed home with the boys. I tried to get some housework done, get a few old toys ready to donate to good will, but I admit I ended up playing with them and my boys more than cleaning. Not many toys at all got put up or donated. lol


I did a bit of reading in the library books on horse behavior. I'm in the very beginning stages of starting to understand horse training. I find it fascinating. Ground work is especially appealing to me for some reason. I feel like if I learn enough and find an experienced teacher, I could be good at it myself.


I watched a few videos on YouTube, mostly Clinton Anderson. There is another horse behavior persona on YouTube that I watch a lot, but I'm not even allowed to mention him here. It's a no-no. I find that hysterical. A horse forum isn't allowed to talk about a person who teaches horse behavior.. It's just ironic in my mind.



I do have a tip for new people here on the forums who are going though all the things I am going though. Some of you are alone when you go out and do your horse research. Such as visiting a private owner's house to check out the stock he has on his property. The tip I have to offer is this: If you have a cell phone, learn how to take photos on it. Then, learn to forward those photos to a friend or loved one. When you're going to someone's house you don't know, and you don't trust them, let your friend or loved one know where you are going.. Give them the name of the person you are going to see. Their address. Their phone number. And if you can forward any conversations you've had with this seller to your friend / loved one. When driving to see this stranger, take photos along the way, forward them back home. And when you get to your destination, stop at the driveway, take a photo, proving that you got there safely, and mail that one. Then call your friend, tell them, "I got here safe, you have the photos, I should be out in x amount of time. I'll call you when I leave." And then follow though, call when you're safely on your way back home.. Don't text. A text can be faked. Get into the habit of calling.


Why you ask? Because if your loved ones / friends, are ever in a horrible situation where it is their word, when speaking to the police, verses the person you don't trust, you want your friends to have the advantage! This might be a bit paranoid, but it does work. There's been a few times I pulled up in the stranger's yard, still getting off my phone, and the stranger has asked me, "Anyone important?" And I told them, "oh just alerting my family I arrived here safely and giving them some information."


When traveling alone I try to play it safe than sorry. I never invite Murphy's Law into my life. And yes, I would hope that if I ever invited anyone here on HF to visit me, you would do this, even with me. Because you can bet I called someone already to let them know I've company coming in... And taken precautions.. Trust should be earned, not given.


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

I went 'home' tonight. I'm not sure why other than I was curious. I wanted to see if they had the old slab ripped out of there or not. I got my answer. They have not even started yet. It doesn't bother me that they haven't, so long as they get to it eventually. I'll be cracking the whip on them if I don't see some kind of progress within a month. I didn't ask them to do that much.. I'm paying for all this one little project at a time. Or using my own back and two hands..

Here's a few photos. I'll try and do my best to explain what everyone's looking at. Photos are mostly for my sake and my contractor's. 










Instead of taking the back roads to get there, we drove though town this time. I hadn't been through Bixby in forever and an ice age. I almost always take the back roads. I seen this not but a few miles away. I'm going to have to check them out. My old vet is going to be too far away to use, once I move. I'll need a new vet. So I snapped this photo from the car to remind myself to give them a call. And do a little homework on them on-line. Check references.. See what they know about dogs, cats, horses and the like..










I really could've lived without knowing there was going to be a Rib Crib nearby me! Dang it! This is one of my favorite 'cheat' places when I toss my good eating habits to the wind. Temptation, here I come! Awe man! Majorly good BBQ if you're ever in my neck of the woods..









Arkansas River Bridge over Bixby. The water level is low. This is not a good thing considering it's so early on in the year. I'd like to see it a bit higher, considering it rained not that long ago. Might be a dry summer Okies! Look out!









Handsome hubby and a look at the river on the other side... Can see the sand banks already..









My husband didn't notice, thank goodness, but I was more than tickled to see that there's a Southerlands nearby! Yey! Momma's gonna improve her power tools! Look out barbed wire fence! Here I come!









If you hit 151st and Mingo, you're getting closer..









Neighbor has his bails rolled, ready to move..









And we're here! Yey! Home!









This is what's left of the house, after the fire. Just some stones. You can kind of see what the tornado did to most of my trees..









Here's the old driveway, going up to the house. My renter has the cows on the back field, everything here is all grown up..









Photo of me standing on my land, looking out towards that "Mingo Road" sign and the new bridge for the cars.. Out to the front / right of where the house is going to be.. Land just next to me, the field, is mine..









Another view of the land, I just turned a bit to my right.. Some of you can see as to why I said I hate the barbed wire. There is just so much of it!










Front / left of the property, facing the street / highway. One of my large trees. I think it's oak. And it's right near where I want to put one of my horse grazing fields. If Oak tress are bad for horses, it'll have to go. It's going to bum me out. I really like old, big, beautiful shade trees! But if they're bad for horses, it'll have to get!









Another slightly different angle of what's left of the house, and the tree that got tore up.









It's hidden pretty good in the weeds, but there's a massive charred stump in there I'm going to have to find something to do with. My lawn tractor won't be able to move that thing. It is MASSIVE! I've rubble like this ALL OVER that I am slowly trying to pile up. And it's slow going. There's so much of it scattered so far..

... more photos in a minute...


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

The snake ridden seller / basement that I admit I'm too chicken sheet to go down. Probably enough water moccasins down those steps to kill an elephant! This is what is getting ripped out, the new basement put in..









The front porch. I am REALLY bummed the hand prints are no longer here. It use to have EVERYONE's hand prints here with their names above the hand prints. Water must've washed them all away, or perhaps the fire burned the paint right off. Or a combination of both. I'm just bummed. There's only a few tiny marks here and there. So no need to keep the slab anymore, everything's going to go... I was VERY happy to see that electric meter in the back. That is going to save me a ton of money that it's still there! Perhaps running electric to this place won't be AS bad.









The old well, scary as heck death trap these days! I didn't even allow my boys to get out of the car! lol This will be part of the basement of my house too.. It all needs tore out.. This well is no good anymore..









It's odd, standing in this spot again. I use to sit here and play ball and jacks.. And look inside the window, see my dad and great gram talking.









You can almost see my husband's car in this photo, get an idea how far back into the property from the highway the house will be set..

.... more photos in a minute..


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

What's left of my poor fire place, gosh darn it! Dang tornado had to wreck that too! And my poor tree! It use to be so pretty! >.< It use to shade the whole east side of the house.. kept it cool in summer..










Not happy about having to rip this one out. And I won't be able to chain saw this one on my own - too dangerous.









Give you people an idea of what kind of debree I'm dealing with. Large items all over the area.. And the weeds tall enough they came up to my knees. If there were snakes in there, I couldn't see squat! 









I was REALLY happy to see some of the water lines still in, and still working! No doubt they need a lot of work, but I have water on the property other than that well!









The well from above. It's a good 30 feet down, and no way out.. Scary!









A barn that I WISH had burned down with the rest of it. Darn it.. Will have to bull doze this too..









Back side view..









Grandma's Garden is buried under those weeds here on the back side of the property.. there's some pretty bricks that use to surround it all ate up by the knee-high weeds.. I plan on restoring it the way it use to look. Anyone have some horse poop by the massive truck load?










This is one of the trees I am hoping to salvage. It's inside my back yard where my sons will be playing. This tree has been roughed up a bit, but hoping with some TLC it can make a come back in its bald spots.. it doesn't look so big from where I am standing in the photo, but two large adults could not get their arms around it's truck it's so massive.. What a tree house it would make for my boys to play around! Just needs a bit of lovin..










Back steps down to the tree house tree..









More rubble to deal with that's possibly dangerous if I'm not careful.. It's rusted though.. Easy to get yourself cut on.









A better idea what the tree house tree is like, with me standing back from it a ways..

.... more in a minute...


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

A view up into its canopy. I see fun times here.. A wonderful place for little boys with way too much energy to play, laugh, run, and not bother anyone.









Another big tree that's where my horses are going to be grazing that is going to have to be taken down. The lower branches are just ugly! It's oak, so needs to go. I can take this one out on my own I think, and be all right.. Just have to do a bit of trim work first.. Firewood for our HF gathering!


















This small circle in the grass here USE TO BE my small pond. LOL! Obviously, it needs work too. lol









I know there's another barn owner here on the forums who has her work cut out for her fixing her barn.. I just need to bull doze mine! I'm not going to deal with it! lol









One of my lovely horse stalls, isn't it great? LOL Hehehe.. 









And the stall next to it. It has ALMOST as much cow and horse poo in it as the other lady's does.. lol









It's not even good scrap.. More fuel for the fire!









Wondering if that really old deep freezer might be worth storing something in if it's any good.. I'm not going in there though. That barn is creaking even in a light breeze. lol 









More of the land.. or I should say weeds..









Old fallen telephone poles rotten and laying all over. Watch your step!









Back side of the barn, a small corral. I'm not sure what Great Grandpa use to keep in here. It's almost too small for horses..










An old cement water troff. What am I to do with this thing?? It's no where near where the barn is going to go.. More rip-out material I guess.









These are the types of weeds I have mostly. Not sure what they are, so took a photo so I can look them up.









Bits of the old barn that got knocked down. It is EVERYWHERE!


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

Going back to the boys and hubby, waiting for me in the car..









You can see the pretty field across the highway that's just been cut.. and that's your fine quality horse hay neighbor has for sale.









Yey, more rubble! 









Some of you may be able to tell that the land dips there a bit.. it's where my main pond is going in, set back far enough from the road it won't be any bother to anyone. I'll be able to see it from my living room. Ducks, geese, swans.. and the horses if they want to go for a swim.










Can't tell you how much I wanted to rip this out instead of repairing it!









This will be my neighbor. He's got a palomino over here. You might be able to see it. We've got a shared fence. I'm not sure if I like that. But he's only got the one horse.. so perhaps I can talk to him, see if we can work something out. The barbed wire has to go! I'll flip the expense, without complaint. But perhaps they'd be willing to move the horse to the other side of the road for a bit, get it way from the high traffic, while I'm putting the new fence in. They can use my cousin's barn while I'm fixing things up..


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

When out driving around my place yesterday we drove past a really nice property. Well, the land was nice anyway.. It was stunning actually. If only the house wasn't dilapidated right in the middle of it. The trees there provide enough shade it would be a beautiful place for a family to be during the summer. There's no saving the house whatsoever! It's way too far gone and looks like it's been forgotten about for ages! The grass is over grown, but you can tell if it was mowed a few times it would be real pretty. I'm going back there in a minute to go snoop. Look for any signs of bad wear and tear. Time to strap on my snake-proof boots, get my walking stick and go be nosy! I'll be looking for any drug paraphernalia. Anything that might've turned the soil toxic. Any chemical barrels sitting around with substances leeching from them that's not something easy to clean like an oil spill.. If I find any major hazards it's off the list.. I won't buy it. If it's an "Iffy" situation, I'll still have people go out there and check it out for me. Snoop about. If I like it I'll be contacting the city, find out if they own the place or if it's still a private owner who has it. See if I can make a reasonable bid on it.. It looks like it's about five acres. Big enough for two rental houses. Wish me luck.. This will be a huge step forward for me. And I like that it's only 10 minute drive from where I am going to be in Bixby.. It's located near a popular school, has a good buss route. The taxes are higher there so I'll have to charge a bit higher rent. No big deal. It's also a good location for working people, not far of a drive at all to get into town, go to work.. It's like a quiet country life, a rare gem, nearly in the city.. They'll be able to keep dogs, cats, pets, and not bother anyone.. Another bonus..

Anxious! I hope it's a good property! I like what I seen.. Fingers crossed.. first of many I'll have to look at. 

Someone asked me why I don't take out a bank loan, get all this done faster. "Never gamble with money you don't have," is what I was taught. And the second thing I was ever told was, "Never gamble with money you can't afford to loose." Both wise bits of advise I took to heart ages ago. I rarely use a credit card unless it's pre-paid. It's just how I roll. I always go safe than sorry. That whole Murphy's Law thing again.. And I won't risk the rental houses I already own, the properties I already own that I know are a sure thing, the ones that are putting food in my kids' mouths and clothes on their backs over a 'maybe I don't know yet.' 

Okay okay okay, time to get! Have a good day all. If you hear someone screaming like a horror movie in about 30 minutes, it is me, I found a snake! lol


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

So, I liked the property I viewed today for a rental place. I'll have to do a lot of homework on it now to make sure it's going to work out. I'll go back there once we have a very heavy rain too, make sure it has good irrigation. So yeah, lot more things to check on it before I go any further on that..









I had my riding lesson tonight at 7:00pm. I showed up early, thinking someone would be there. But nope! No one was there but me. And I wasn't complaining one bit! I got to hog all the horses to myself. I went and introduced myself to all of them, had a bit of a chat.. Petted a few that seemed like they were willing to let me give them a scratch.. One of them I made buddies with, he was more than happy to let me stand there and pet him, chase the flies out of his eyes for him.. And that's how my trainer found me, standing there petting that horse when she walked in..









My new horse friend. I forgot his name.. I know, horrible of me! But didn't get much time in with him. I'll try and remember next time.. Handsome feller..









Here's a photo I took of some of the grounds they have. I could care less about jumping but someone here might like it..









Photo of one of the barns..









Here in this photo we're just walking. I'm working on hand positions, my heals back, and trying to restore some of the strength in my leg that was damaged..









She said I was doing pretty good for one of my first rides so she started having me do turns in various patterns around the place. I remembered my camera this time! She is the one taking the photos as she gives directions.. I absolutely HATED that English saddle! The saddle part its self was not so bad.. I could live with it. It was the stirrups! They were KILLING me! I was in so much pain. I kept having to stop "Charlie" so we could readjust the stirrups.. Hoping my leg continues to get stronger and it won't be such an issue..









"Charlie" was good for me for the most part. There was a few moments here and there he was trying to be lazy and I had to give him a nudge. He's not the horse for me though. I wasn't real impressed with him. I was kind of bored. I hate to say it but it's how I felt. He gave off that vibe that "I rather be eating than carting you around my back." 

Half way though my lesson I started to feel sick. Really sick. I wanted nothing more than to remove that helmet and trash it to the side. It was hot! My face got flushed, I started to feel a bit off. And I told her, "Okay one more lap to just try and do what you asked me to but then I've had enough." 

Next time I go for a lesson I will not wear jeans. I will double up my socks. I will make sure my new boots have been treated with oil until they're more supple. I will NOT wear that bra again EVER to a lesson. And I'll wear a sleeveless shirt! 

I did not realize it, but once I got home, got in a bath.. I asked my husband to wash my back for me and when he did it HURT! "What's that?" I asked him. He gets a mirror and shows me. My bra rubbed me 100% raw, all the way across my back to the point it's bleeding in some areas. And I didn't even know it until he touched it. 

Back of my feet are raw and bleeding from the new boots. I'll be breaking those in until they work right.. And using more socks! 

And the rest is just getting too hot too fast.. One of my hot flashes hit and it was game over! I cut the lesson 15 minutes short.

We brought "Charlie" in. She had me sit down under the fans and start to cool out. Once I steadied a bit, wasn't dizzy anymore, I went to the bathroom and soaked myself in the cold water. 

All in all a good lesson. Trainer was kind, polite and patient. She didn't hesitate to correct me. And tried to challenge me to see what my limits will be with my leg the way it is. As is, it's going to hold me back for awhile..


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## Kyleen Drake (May 26, 2016)

.......I no longer think this is the place for me to hang out, talk horses. If you want to keep in touch with me private message me. 

I can't change who I am, or how I think. And I won't try to. Nor will I make excuses for my shortcomings. 

Thank you everyone for the help you gave me. I couldn't have gotten this far without you. Much appreciation. God bless!


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## GMA100 (Apr 8, 2016)

I love your stories! you have a way in writing that make everything seem real while I read. 

I don't know why you are leaving but I hope I didn't do anything to offend you. 
Everyone has their own opinions, and some people will voice them more than others. 
So I hope you won't leave just because someone didn't agree with you.
And remember everyone started off not knowing anything. Nobody is born knowing EVERYTHING!! 
So please, please don't lose heart over being a beginner.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

*This journal has been closed due to prolonged lack of participation by the author. Journals that have no active participation by the author for a period of time greater than 18 months will be considered abandoned and will be closed until the author asks for them to be reopened.*


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