# I don't love my horse



## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

Full Disclaimer here, my horse is lovely. 

She is a lovely match for me under saddle and has yet to do anything more than a minor tantrum (I can't say I'm shocked and it is nothing dangerous, just a mare moment) when the work gets hard. 

That being said, I just don't feel like she is the right horse for me. I absolutely hate the word "bond" but, for lack of a better word, I guess it will have to do. 

I'm used to more personable and outgoing horses. Even the horses I bought for resale were much easier to spend time with. I feel like I'm not enjoying my time with her that isn't in the saddle. 

I feel like I'm being completely selfish, but I feel little emotional attachment to the horse. I bought her because she felt right in the saddle, but I must confess that I don't look forward to having to prep her for a show. 
I work in the barn, so I do spend a good amount of time with the horse. She isn't actively for sale, but I don't think I'd turn down a good home for her. 

I am frustrated because she is such a good match under saddle, but she feels more like a resale horse than a personal horse. 

I've had many a personal horse before her, and this one just isn't sticking like the others did. Just looking for any insight or opinion.


----------



## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Not sure what sort of comments you're after here, as it doesn't seem a question.

A 'bond'/relationship can take a while to build. How long have you had the horse?

Perhaps she is not 'personable' or 'outgoing' because of previous experiences with humans. I've met many who were rather 'shut down' & cynical about all things human, and that can take a while to change their minds about, prove to them you're a Good Thing & not like other people they've come across. Our last horse was quite shut down - he was very quiet & 'obedient' but... robotically. Couldn't get him to play or enjoy a scratch - he'd tolerate grooming because he felt he must, get frightened at us playing with other horses. It took about 6mo for him to 'come out' and the first time he actually showed some 'spirit', it was like an accident that he immediately expected to get in trouble for. When he didn't, he got gamer, and now he's a 'normal', fun loving horse with us, actively enjoys our company... on the ground. He is still quite... robotic when you ride him though.


----------



## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

How long have you had her?

Whats her age history?

What's your goal - assuming here you compete?

Will help with answers. I gotta say I find this strange but I'm someone that can fall in love with any animal. Some horses I've ridden it's taken a few sessions before they are like "oh, oh the human is talking to _me_? Like really, trying to communicate.. _with me?!"_ Then the personality comes out and it makes me go all soppy inside. Good "boring" horses like @loosie mentioned are maybe emotionally shut down. I will say that I've noticed that some people are attracted to troublesome pets, as if the goal of overcoming their issues is hugely important to their self worth. When things come too easy they can feel off - like they were just given an easy ride compared to EARNING it. Not sure if that's your situation but just something I thought about.


----------



## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

The horse I ride in my lessons right now is by far the best trained and most rewarding horse I've ever ridden. But for the longest time I didn't think she would be the sort of horse I would choose to own, if I were to buy again. However, now I've been riding her for nearly four years and I've put more rides on her than any other horse I've ever ridden. Including the ones I owned. Over time I got to love her, and I know I'll be absolutely gutted when her time comes. Hopefully that won't be for a very long time.

The second horse I owned -- going back over twenty years ago now -- was wonderful. Bombproof but willing. Safe safe safe. Easy, fun ride. And for some reason, even though I enjoyed her, I found myself spending my whole first season with her feeling like it wasn't right and that maybe I should sell her. I had no idea why I was feeling that way. Well, I grew to love the hell out of that horse and I still have dreams about riding her. I'd give almost anything to head out on a solo trail ride with her again.

If this horse is a capable and safe horse that you can do everything you need to do on... then why rush? There's no harm in giving the relationship time.


----------



## knightrider (Jun 27, 2014)

The only time in my life that I voluntarily sold my horse was one that didn't love me. Before I bought that horse, my forever horse, whom I trained from a baby, had blossomed into an amazing show horse, winning everything in sight. At the peak of his career, he was hit by a car and killed. I was devastated. I couldn't get over it.

I bought a bunch of project horses and trained them, but that wasn't helping me. I was fighting a severe depression. Every day after work, when there was no special horse to head home to, I would put my head on my desk and sob.

So I decided to buy another forever horse. I found one that was everything I could ask for . . . so I bought him. But he walked away when I went out to the pasture to get him. He didn't like being touched or groomed or handled. Like your horse, OP, he was lovely to ride, but he could care less about me. At that time in my life, I needed a horse that would adore me, heal my broken heart, be my forever love . . . and he wasn't fulfilling that role.

So I sold him. I bought a yearling filly that I couldn't ride and named her Magic, hoping that she would work some magic in my life. She did. She adored me. If people were trying to hold her while I took care of something, she would jerk away from them, run to me and put her head on my shoulder. I kept her all her life.

If I had been in a different place in my life journey, that horse I sold would have worked out perfectly . . . but I wasn't. I needed an extra special horse, not an aloof one. I had all the hurt I could tolerate at that time. I see no harm in selling your horse and getting one who is right for you right now.


----------



## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

I didn't expect so much feedback so quickly! 

The horse is a 9 year old OTTB. To my knowledge, she had been sitting for about 5 five months before I bought her (owner health problems). I was unable to speak to the owner, only the seller, so I do not know a whole lot of her history. I've had her coming up three months now, so I know that she most likely needs more time. 

I guess I've never had a horse that was this shutdown. Like Kalraii said, I feel like I didn't earn the ride. She just sort of did it, as opposed to it being more of a give and take situation. 

The plan is to show in three months. I have had some people interested in the horse, so I'm at a crossroads as to what to do with her. Due to the nature of my work, I do have to rush through the grooming sessions to keep on schedule. 

I guess my starter wasn't truly a question, so I appreciate all of the feedback and your own experiences. I'm willing to give it time, but I must admit that she much prefers the BO even though I'm the one that caters to her every will.

Any tips on how to help her open up? Most of the barn likens her to a goldfish personality.


----------



## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

I have a feeling this hits pretty close to home. I adored my last horse, but she was too much for me undersaddle and I had to sell her. 

I fear that she did more damage than a few broken bones.


----------



## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

knightrider said:


> The only time in my life that I voluntarily sold my horse was one that didn't love me. Before I bought that horse, my forever horse, whom I trained from a baby, had blossomed into an amazing show horse, winning everything in sight. At the peak of his career, he was hit by a car and killed. I was devastated. I couldn't get over it.
> 
> I bought a bunch of project horses and trained them, but that wasn't helping me. I was fighting a severe depression. Every day after work, when there was no special horse to head home to, I would put my head on my desk and sob.
> 
> ...


I have a feeling this hits pretty close to home. I adored my last horse, but she was too much for me undersaddle and I had to sell her. 

I fear she did more damage than a few broken bones


----------



## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

Sometimes we don't know we have a good thing that's right in front of us. Case in point: I have seen horses trying to get to each other's grass while standing on opposite sides of the same fence.

Is there any way you can arrange for a trial separation, say a lease to someone you trust? You'll either miss her and wish she were back, or you don't. If you don't I'm sure it'll be easy to find a home for her that loves her. If you do, take her back and thank me.


----------



## SummerBliss (Jan 7, 2017)

I totally understand where you're coming from. My very first horse that I actually owned, I wasn't truly emotionally attached to. She had plenty of personality and quirks, but I found myself dragging myself out to see her, rather than actually looking forward to spending with her. And I rarely rode her because her and I never really clicked so it always felt more like a chore than something for fun. Our partnershp honestly nearly ruined riding for me as in there was no more pleasure in it and I almost came to hate it. I had her for a full year before I decided to sell since it was just obvious her and I were not a good match. 

Then, I got my second horse, and I had him for 4 months (had to sell for financial and other reasons). And despite him needing work and only having him that short amount of time, I was literally crying as I loaded him up on the trailer for the people who bought him. I'd honestly buy him back at the drop of a hat. 

So really, while it's good to give a relationship with horses some time, other times you just have to listen to your gut. There are some horses that we're just not meant to be with, while others you can't imagine living without. I'd suggest give it till at least 6 months. If nothing has grown between you two by then, then I'd really consider other options of potentially selling or trading her for a horse that you know you'll actually enjoy being around. Because when you don't truly enjoy it, then they pick up on it too and they won't truly enjoy the work either. 

Either way, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.


----------



## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

When I come across animals like this (I was a professional exotic animal trainer) you have to TEACH them how to be curious and opinionated. Maybe in her life all she knows is the usual stuff y'know. But if you get a chance do something totally, randomly different and see how she reacts. Teach her how to lift a leg with just your voice, how to bow. I play "gonna-bite-your-bum" in the field with mine and she loves it. Hide and seek around trees. I think its defo a shame if you dont get time to learn all her itchy spots in grooming. My horse has them but you can't rush it. She needs time to settle down before she loosens up and responds to scratchies. Eventually she began to mutually groom me. *Only* took me half a year lol. One of my dogs was so shut down. It has taken her 3 years to suddenly realise she is allowed opinions much less voice them. I have met plenty horses like this (the BEST lesson horses, poor souls) but if you say you genuinely do not have time then I understand. But also... if she's so good is it wise, with your limited time, to give her up? Especially if you say she IS getting the stimulation she needs elsewhere (BO?). 

3 months. Really isn't enough to tell. Horses can "love" multiple people, too. Mine loved many people before me when I owned her. She'd dread me riding her at the start actually coz I was so bad! A year and a half later she only NOW knows the sound of my car when I pull up. I'm not her feeder you see so it took much longer for her to catch on certain things. Give it time!


----------



## Filou (Jan 16, 2014)

When you say the horse is shut down, do you think there could be something special there if the horse wasn't so shut in? That makes me feel like maybe this horse needs some help with that regardless of if shes right for you or someone else. 

Can you try some dynamic training, maybe trick training to open that door with her?

This might not be the conventional answer, but get 2, one for riding and one for bonding. Works great for me! When I want to ride I just tack up the good one and ride him, and when I want to hang out and brush groom pamper, the other one LOVES it! The one who likes to be groomed doesn't really like riding, and the one who I ride doesn't like to get dirty so it works out well!


----------



## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

I don't always feel affection for horses I own. Just like people and any other living things, personalities vary. 

But I like each and every one and enjoy finding the reward they like.

My best ever ranch horse hated to be rubbed or patted. He would not take food from my hand. But all I had to was whistle and he would nicker in response and be the first one in. Hated being curried but loved the stiff brush. So after a day, I'd brush him well with the stiff brush. He wouldn't even look at me.

He had my complete respect and I appreciated him. But for the years I owned him, he'd buck hard if I patted him, or snap at me if I tried to rub his face affectionately.

I guess my point is that if you have a great partner, just appreciate her for that. It's enough. 

You say you spend a lot of time at your barn. Love on the cuddly ones, and appreciate your mare for her talent.


----------



## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

I'm a "pocket pony" kind of person, I like my horses to be really outgoing, friendly and inquisitive. I actually prefer them to be all up in my business (Whatcha doing mom? Can I help? You know if you held the hammer like THIS, it would work better.") than to be aloof. 

I bought a mare at a sale just for her size, looks and pedigree. Obviously well trained, handled by an 80 year old woman, has her ROM in halter. Obviously raised in a show barn, in her stall until taken out for work and grooming, or showing, and then put right back in and no real attention given to her. I bought her back in 2011, I think. She was 11ish then. Other than bluffing to see if she could get the upper hand, no real personality but no problems either. 

Well, just from having her around and breeding her and foaling her out, and of course, loving on her and grooming her and finding all her special spots, we've come to the point where she'll come up to me in the pasture and ask for attention and/or a cookie. She'll talk to me when she sees me out in the pasture or coming up to her stall if she's in for some reason. She's never going to be AS outgoing as the rest of my horses, but she has warmed up considerably. The longer I have her, the better I like her. Not to mention she makes great babies. She was never started under saddle, and old enough when I got her that I just gave it a pass, so can't say we're great that way, but on the ground and when handling her foals, I can't ask for a nicer mare. This has all come about in the last year though, so she took a WHILE to warm up. Your horse may be doing the same. Boo definitely used to give off the vibe, "Ok, fine, I'm doing what you ask. When you're done, will you please just put me away and **** off?". Now she likes to be bathed and groomed and just fussed over. SHE had to make that decision, though, it had nothing to do with what I wanted or didn't.


----------



## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Some horses just take longer than others to trust. I don't know the particulars about her life before you, but most OTTB have been moved a lot, and even if not treated unkindly, while they are racing life can be rather lonely and full of work instead of fun. 


If you look at her lack of interaction with you as a training issue, instead of taking it personally, it might be easier for you to allow her the time she needs to trust in you and her new home. 


Do you spend time with her not riding? Do you compliment her as she stands while your grooming her? I always tell my horses that they are the prettiest or the sweetest pony in the world! 


Animals can feel our moods, and she may be hurt and withdrawn because she is not feeling love from you. 


In general, IME, mares like a soft and gentle stroking with soft words. Earning their trust and love takes patience and understanding. Once you take her off property to a few shows, she will most likely feel a connection with you. 


Of yes, and treats! I give treats, praise and soft strokes, and I know my horses feel how much I value them and appreciate them, Love them all  


Keep focused on earning her trust, and you may just get that partner you want.


----------



## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

Thank you everyone for your feedback! 

I'm trying to approach every interaction with a fresh face. I do hope that she improves with time, as I have her down to go to a few shows this fall before moving her up a level. 

I must admit that I didn't realize how much I loved having a "pocket pony" before this mare. Looking back, every one of my personal horses was one! We will continue with the treats, scratches, and massages. I do think that she picks up on my depression though :/ I guess I will have to find something else in her that I can use to help brighten my day. 

I really do appreciate all of the tips and suggestions. I've been battling this feeling, and I needed to know if I was selfish and crazy, or if there may be some merit to it. While the field has been mixed, I appreciate all of your different perspectives on the issue.


----------



## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

Horses are very perceptive...
They read us chapter and verse better than we read a book.
If your handling of her is never with joy, never really motivated with energy in your spirit...they pick up on that.
_You can not find one thing about your horse that thrills you?_
Your mare sounds like a very sensitive mare, smart and a great read of people.
She isn't giving one bit of her to you who not deserve her affection, her allegiance with how you treat her. 
You have to teach her as someone else said that you are worth giving of her to you...
You need to earn that with a mare, this mare..

I have a t-shirt with a saying on the back...
_You can tell a gelding
You ask a stallion
You must discuss with a mare_

Mares _are_ different.
Ask her, try discussing and asking her in your actions with her...
Slightly different approach you have with interacting might just get her to interact with you instead of just tolerate you and your demands..
Ask her to participate with you...
You need some joy in being with her, handling her or it won't work.
There is a reason mares are in charge of the herd..._they're smart._
She's reading you and not going to give herself up for disappointment when you send her off to regions, people unknown.
Bet if she felt she was "a keeper" and staying put she would change...
Wonder how many people have dumped her before, she learned to not trust and give herself anymore.
_It hurts to not be wanted and she senses you don't want her..._
:runninghorse2:_..._


----------



## bsms (Dec 31, 2010)

Trooper is an excellent horse. My youngest daughter has always adored him. The two of them get along fine although she says he isn't very affectionate. But she feels linked with him.

He rides fine for me, but he still wants nothing to do with me after 11 years. Bandit and Cowboy meet me at the feed bucket. He'll hang 20 feet back, or more, and not come close until I'm leaving. If I'm in the corral, Bandit makes a point of coming over to socialize. Trooper? We joke about him giggling if I die.

Good horse. Rides well. But if it wasn't for my daughter, I'd sell him in a heartbeat. To include his tack, for free. 11 years. We'll never be friends. Oh well.

PS: I've often read "You can tell a gelding". Bandit is a gelding, but not at all fond of being "told" anything. Maybe the mustang in him? Or the Arabian? :falloff:


----------



## rambo99 (Nov 29, 2016)

The saying you can tell a gelding , ask a stallion and must discuss it with a mare.

My current gelding isn't one you can tell he is a discuss it kind of gelding. It's taken a few years for him to get a personality to want pets be fussed on. But I have always really liked/loved him I've always given him pets scratches even though he didn't really respond.

He's not a easy horse to deal with tends to be super reactive has issues with being tied. And in past has had very unkind treatment. He's very perceptive to the emotions of people. He is more spooky reactive when I'm on edge or upset with things going on in my life.

I have had horse's in the past I didn't like and they knew it. I've had horse's I loved but treated them not so well...that was when I was a teenager. 

I do think you can not love a horse but if you treat them with kindness. I think in time the horse grows on you, and in time you come to love that horse. Love doesn't just happen it takes time.


----------



## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I have a pony I acquired for a companion to my horse. She was cute and well-mannered but always wary of people and humorless. My affection was for my horse, the pony was the companion and not much more. I tried different things to try to work with her but it was clear she really did _not_ want to learn anything, try anything, be ridden or driven or lunged. She would be obedient and then would get more and more stressed, she would never, ever relax or be curious or affectionate. It was, to be honest, kind of tedious to have to walk her down every time I needed to catch her, have her scuttle to get out of her stall when I came in to clean it (my horse was like, "oh, Maid Service, would you mind scratching my butt while you're here?"). She was hard to love, because she didn't reciprocate with anything but polite aversion.

Then she broke her leg, and in her long rehab, I came to be intimate with her in a way I never would have otherwise. I had to do difficult painful things to her, and she learned to let me do them. 

Turns out she is just a very very sensitive person. She was a rescue, and at some point learned to fear people who appeared to have Intentions toward her. She will always need the gentlest, most patient handling. But she is indeed affectionate, in the sweetest way -- when you've earned her trust. Which is not an easy thing to earn. 

All I'm saying is that sometimes love is not at first sight, or effortless. Sometimes it takes going through some dark times, and sometimes it takes you places you didn't think you would go, and shows you things you had no idea of before.


----------



## Serenity4 (Jan 17, 2019)

I too bought a 9 yr OTTB a couple years ago. For a long while, my gelding, Reuben didn’t seem to be bonding to me or any particular horse he was pastured with. His most meaningful relationship seemed to be with the round bale. I think he was used to being alone all the time and had forgotten how to be social. My previous horse, Hank was a complete social butterfly with a big happy personality, so it was hard adjustment with Reuben’s indifference with me and quiet personality. After about 9 months, I finally started seeing the real Reuben, who enjoyed tearing around the pasture for the pure joy of it. It was about a year before I think mentally Reuben figured out how to be in a horse in a herd again and it just clicked. Suddenly it was just like he finally realized that I was his person. He’s not a complete pocket pony, but I don’t worry about whether or not he loves the round bale more than me. Sometimes it just takes longer with some horses.


----------



## heyopeep (Jun 22, 2019)

I really do appreciate everyone sharing their own experiences to help me through this. 

I've decided to keep her and give her more time. After looking through the ownership on her papers, it does appear that she has changed hands a good number of times, poor thing. 

Please feel free to continue sharing your own experience in the hopes that it may help someone else who feels that they are in this situation. It was very helpful to know that I'm not alone. 

I know that she will not warm up quickly, and I guess that's okay. Having heard many of the success stories and some tips to help along the way, I am optimistic about our future as a pair. 

Thank you so much for all of the help and sharing!


----------



## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

@heyopeep you will have to earn her ... just not in the way you anticipated  enjoy! When I'm feeling miserable as heck before working with an animal I always try to remember that sometimes I'm their only full interaction that day. It's on me to cheer _them up_, as caged and limited as they are. In turn it brings me joy. I hope you find the same!


----------



## nohiogal (May 9, 2019)

heyopeep said:


> I really do appreciate everyone sharing their own experiences to help me through this.





heyopeep said:


> I've decided to keep her and give her more time. After looking through the ownership on her papers, it does appear that she has changed hands a good number of times, poor thing.
> 
> Please feel free to continue sharing your own experience in the hopes that it may help someone else who feels that they are in this situation. It was very helpful to know that I'm not alone.
> 
> ...


I am so happy to hear this.


When I first started leasing my horse she was not what I had imagined at all. There were several times I wanted to back away and break the lease but I kept coming back. It has been almost 7 months and I feel we have a bond. The horse was ignored most of the time. A couple months before I leased her she had two riders that spent a short amount of time with her and then went on to other things. It took her a while to realize, after many tests from her, that I wasn't going anywhere. I think that was one reason I hung in there. I didn't want to throw away the time we had put in together. 


In the last month or so she is really coming around to bonding with me. I can see it and feel it from her. She does things now when I ask, not because she wants to, but because I am asking her to. I can feel that connection. When I release her to the pasture she does not stray away. She was never a "Oh good, back in the pasture. I am outta here" but she always slowly walked away. Usually with the mare face. But now she stays with me. I rub on her and talk to her and she seems to want to stay in my company. And when I go get her the ears are up, instead of the go away, mare stare. 


It's like she knows in one week from today she is going to be my horse :smile:


And I could be imagining it but Saturday the mounting block was being used in the barn so I took her to the totter bridge to get on and it was just a little to low so when I got on I kind of shifted in a bad way and it felt like she moved my way. Like she knew I was off balance and was compensating to get under me. And I was able to walk her across that totter bridge twice. It took a little time and patience, several approach, back up, approach but I honestly feel she did it for me because I asked her to. :loveshower:


----------



## Phantomcolt18 (Sep 25, 2007)

heyopeep said:


> I really do appreciate everyone sharing their own experiences to help me through this.
> 
> I've decided to keep her and give her more time.* After looking through the ownership on her papers, it does appear that she has changed hands a good number of times, poor thing. *
> 
> ...


In my experience horses that have been passed around or were "businessed" seem to be a little shut down emotionally and personality wise. 

My quarter horse was born out in the midwest and was pretty much cowboyed from what I can figure. He had the emotional range of a teaspoon for the first almost two years of our time together. It was very much a "you ride me then we're done" situation. Almost like a business deal except we didn't shake hands at the end and he would just walk away like a miserable robot. We started spending more and more time together and I tried doing different things with him to bring him out of his shell (tricks, trails, new disciplines for fun, etc) The first time he ever nickered to greet me made my heart swell so much! Now he is my ultimate cuddle bug and I have had him for almost 9 years. 

Once he started trusting me and knew where he stood with me he sought me out when he was fearful or nervous. When he's getting a shot he presses his head so hard into my stomach because it's the only way he'll stand for one. When I talk to him he talks back to me and he'll stand with his head in my arms for as long as I want to hold him. His hard set eyes changed to giant, inquisitive, soft puppy dog eyes. Once he started to open up I learned he LOVES textures and loves his gums massaged. He loves to hold the hard brush in his teeth and wiggle his lips over the bristles and if you put a towel on the ground he will push down and pick it up with gravel in it to grind the gravel inside the towel. So my very stoic "work horse" turned into quite the strange bird with some time and effort.


----------



## SteadyOn (Mar 5, 2017)

I probably sound like a broken record at this point with my constant Warwick Schiller recommendations, but he really IS that good. Even if you were to just try out a free trial one-week subscription on his site, you could watch some good videos on helping shut down horses, and connecting with them. There's one video on there called "Working on the beginning of relaxation on a wild, unhandled or abused horse" with some cool tips on approaching ANY horse that immediately helps with engagement. And the whole Sherlock series about working with a shut down horse. (I'm not saying your horse is necessarily shut down, but it all still helps the connection.)

I tried just a few simple things from Schiller with a very, very shut down horse at my barn over the winter, and the horse started to really come out of his shell and engage. He even relaxed enough during one of my sessions with him that he laid down and rolled -- the first time anyone had seen him relax enough to do so, even in turnout. Your mileage may vary, but I've never gone wrong with any of his techniques. And that horse and I feel like buddies now.


----------



## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Since she's been passed around a bit, that could also be a reason why she takes a bit longer to warm up to you than others would. Some horses just take longer...give it time.  I'm glad you decided to keep her. Just keep working on it, it'll happen. You will get there.


----------



## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

@SteadyOn its ok I must seem like a fangirl in real life how much I recommend him to... haha

OP what would be nice as well - if you shared some pictures of her or you two on here. I sure would love to see your mare. She is YOURS, show her off


----------



## MajorSealstheDeal (Jan 4, 2011)

I loved reading everyone's experiences, and glad to also read that OP is going to give the relationship some more time. This topic is close to my heart right now as well. Last year I traded a gelding that I had raised for five years, for a hot and spicy mare. Ever since I made the trade, I have held it against the mare and it has degraded our relationship considerably. I am very lucky to have a supporting partner who has pointed this out to me over and over. All of this came to a head earlier this week and I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was thinking of all the possible scenarios in which I could get my gelding back, even though he is in a fantastic home and is obviously very happy.

My partner really drove it home when he got on my mare and rode her without any issue. All signs point to me being the problem. Somehow I have to let my gelding go, and all my expectations of how he would handle situations, and let my mare find her own spot in my heart. 

A big factor in making the trade with my client was what we like to do, and what the horses like to do. My gelding is like The Dude from The Big Lebowski, and the mare is like, well I don't know what. The exact opposite. We do long hard fast miles, and my gelding would do it because he's a good boy but clearly it was not his cup of tea. Now he packs around kids which he loves, and does the same one to two hour trail loop close to home, and gets his winters off. He's fat, loved and fought over by the family. The mare does not tolerate many people, and she goes hard, all day long. So there was something about her that made me think, I can't let this horse go. Even to the point where I would trade my beloved home bred, hand raised, sweet heart of a gelding. 

I haven't found the answers yet, but I'm working towards them. 

OP, good luck with your horse!


----------



## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

I have three mares in which two of them are in your pocket type ponies. One I absolutely adore even though she is the one who aggravates me the most. The second one is her filly and has the same 'in your pocket' type of personality. The third one I bought six years ago for my nieces to ride. It definitely was not love at first site for me with her. She's a nice little mare and rides wonderfully but she isn't too much into people. 

For the first couple of years she was a bear to catch. In her mind, people are too hard to deal with and would rather you just leave her alone. She was a bit shut down as well. Once you had her, she would do whatever you wanted and do it fast. I think that she spent time in the military. Do it and do it now. She didn't do anything because she liked it but because she felt like she had to in order to stay out of trouble.

Fast forward to now. She has decided that I might be of some use to her. I leave pretty tasty grass for her when the pickings are slim in the winter, I put stuff on her face so the pesky flies leave her alone, I keep her feet feeling pretty good, and I have learned her itchy spots and scratch the ones that she can't reach too well. She still plays this game with me when I go with a halter to get her. She doesn't outright take off anymore. She trots this tight little circle around me staying just far enough away that I can't actually touch her. That is until she is ready and then she stops and I can walk up to her (which is about three steps). I really do think that she finds this amusing.

I sometimes think of selling her. Not because I don't like her but just because I really don't need three horses. If I had my own property, those thoughts would leave altogether. She's actually really grown on me and I would hate to see her have to start all over with someone else. She doesn't give herself too easily and she would probably behave like she did when I first got her. 

And speaking of thoughts about selling her. Whenever I'm thinking that, she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. When I change my thoughts to keeping her and finding a property, she likes me again. Coincidence I'm sure.


----------



## trailhorserider (Oct 13, 2009)

I guess I can't really relate because I can't imagine having a safe riding horse that I didn't love. BUT this thread reminds me of my Mustang when I first got him. He was fully trained but he was a man's horse and not used to being loved on. Me, I'm more like a "brush the pretty pony, hug it, kiss it, feed it carrots" kind of girl. So when I got him I naturally wanted to hug and kiss him. His eyes would get huge, especially when I wanted a hug! He had no clue what I was doing and it worried him a bit. But he rode awesome and tolerated my loving and within a few years he was the biggest pet ever! He even learned to tolerate things I never thought he would.......like baths and sheath cleaning. He just needed time and exposure to being loved on. I am a big treat giver. I think treats and grooming do a lot to build a relationship.

My current horse I've had for about two years now and she was always sweet but now she will mutually groom me and nickers when she sees me (sometimes). This horse had been MUTE for two years. I get so tickled when she nickers. :Angel:


----------



## keelan (Jan 5, 2010)

Start by giving her some massage or T-Touch before you ride. Horses connect with touch.


----------



## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

I have had my mare for 6 years. I didn't feel "bonded" with her until 2 years ago (do the math). I think that when I quit trying so hard to get her to like me (because I thought she didn't), just relaxed and concentrated on improving my riding skills, just enjoying just being around a horse, something happened. One day, when I was leading her, I felt a gentle nuzzle on my elbow. Without thinking, I reached back to give her a scratch. When we stopped, she wanted to stand closer than usual, relaxed with her head low. That was the beginning. I can't really describe it, but it felt a little like the first time a person realizes she/he is in love. We started out as acquaintances, then became friends, and somewhere along the line came the genuine affection/bond.

I believe that if I had not had the high expectation of immediate bonding, followed by the disappointment when that didn't happen, it would not have taken 4 years. I have been told that a horse can take up to one year to relax with a new owner and new environment and I believe that, especially a horse that has a background and experience of some years.

She is 9. You have had her only 3 months. Maybe by working with her toward your showing goals, doing lots of grooming, walking her around to graze and just appreciating that she is a good match for you in the saddle, it will happen when you least expect it.


----------



## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I think allowing yourself more time is the way to go and you can then re-evaluate the situation.
I had a pony when I was 10 or 11ish and he should have been my perfect partner but I didn't even like him let alone love him and even time didn't change that. I sold him to a teacher at my school and never looked back.
I didn't love Flo when I bought her, she was just a project horse till a youngster I'd bred to keep was old enough to start work. When it came time to sell her I realized that I just couldn't do it
I didn't think I'd ever love Lou but its going to break my heart when she has to 'go the way of all things'.
I've had horses that I've bought to sell and horses that weren't mine that I just worked with in one way or another that I got really attached too and cried buckets of tears when they went and others that I just waved off and carried on.


----------



## Creeping_Charlie (Mar 25, 2020)

ok i know im late..but, did you sell her???? because if you didnt make her like you...i know it sounds harsh but its not....my horse that iv only had for 8 months used to never love me or let me touch him...he hated it. I fixed that with cookies and time and cookies


----------

