# Frustrated, anxious adult rider



## Westernpleasure5991 (Jul 19, 2017)

Hi all,
So I recently started riding western pleasure again after a 1 year break from riding. I am 23 years old, started as a hunter/jumper when I was 8 and switched to western when I was 18. I do not own a horse, and take weekly lessons. For the past 4 weeks, every lesson I feel I am getting worse and worse, but yesterday was kind of my breaking point. I ride with a bunch of talented 14 year old girls who brim with confidence and ride fearless. I used to be that, until I developed an anxiety disorder. Yesterday, While they all cantered effortlessly, my stubborn school pony was all over the arena refusing to canter despite my best efforts. 

My instructor Chalked it down to my "not listening" and "not wanting to learn" despite the fact that I was listening to every word she said and giving it my all. Then she got on my pony and he cantered effortlessly for her, dropping my confidence to a 0, when I got back on and tried to do the same and failed for the upteenth time. The lesson ended with her praising the younger girls and asking me why I wasn't watching them and learning from them. I was beyond frustrated.

I pulled her aside after the lesson and explained that I have an anxiety disorder and am doing my best to listen and learn but sometimes my anxiety from both my disorder and previous falls is a challenge. Her response? "I don't want you on my horse if you are anxious" and "I can't make accommodations because of your anxiety"

I am devastated, I work long grueling hours at work in addition to commuting to school and make financial sacrifices so I can ride, now I feel like my money has been wasted. I love horses and it makes me devastated to think my passion for horses is gone because of this stupid, frustrating anxiety disorder. Those of you with anxiety will understand. I feel my passion and skills are gone and I feel so empty and worthless right now.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Wow. This one is easy- ditch the instructor. What a horrible approach to teaching. I'm very sorry you had that experience, but any instructor deserving of the title takes the time to understand their students as people, which includes hearing about their goals. Of course there's a constructive way to push people through anxiety, but this sure isn't it. 

If you want to share the general area where you live, perhaps members here can make a recommendation of a new lesson barn for you. Also, I will say that since you mentioned being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, perhaps a barn that takes a therapeutic riding approach may be a good environment. If you visit www.pathintl.org, there's a "find a barn" feature. Therapeutic riding instructors have specialized training in working with people who have anxiety disorders.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

That's an easy one. I started riding at 45 years old - never, ever in a class, always private lessons. I got full attention, and I can progress at my speed. If you are afraid to canter, you are not ready to canter, and you need some foundation exercises that build your skills up to it. (I had to do a lot of "up-up-down" trotting to get my balance where it is supposed to be for a canter, for example.) 

While I don't have an anxiety disorder (in the "diagnosed" sense of the word), there was never a new skill that I didn't approach with butterflies in my stomach. Having private instructors allowed me to always experience those butterflies at a manageable level, until the new task became routine and I was ready to move up.

Just remember how we desensitize a skittish horse: with baby steps. If the task is too hard for the horse, we break it down into smaller steps. I fail to see why this should not be a good idea for training humans in something that is scary at first, but ultimately worth working through the fear.

If I were to make a recommendation, and if you weren't a Western rider, I'd recommend a "Centered Riding" instructor. That's how I got started before moving up to a more bad-a.. one: "You see that log? Just look ahead and grab some mane. He'll take you right over it!" (My first jump in the field.)


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

OK- it sounds like this trainer is not encouraging you, or helping with your anxiety at all...I say look into other options. You aren't tied to that instructor nor do you own a horse so you can go wherever you please, which is an advantage.  Plus it's only been 4 weeks, it doesn't sound like she's really helping you. Sounds like she's putting you down, especially in front of the other riders. That's not something an instructor should do at all.
Also, watching people isn't necessarily how you learn- she shouldn't have said that to you...definitely not helping.

I hope you find a solution soon, because it doesn't sound like she's too good of a trainer.

HOWEVER...if you cannot switch or want to give it a few more lessons, that's OK too but it sounds like the trainer is making you more anxious than she should be. I suffer from anxiety issues as well & if someone acted like that towards me, well, not getting another dime from me!


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## Westernpleasure5991 (Jul 19, 2017)

Hi egrogan,

I live in southern New Hampshire, if that helps. I'll look into a path certified instructor, i volunteer at a therapeutic farm about 30 min from where I live but none of the riders there are independent riders (most on the autism spectrum or have cerebral palsy). Contrary to what this current instructor says, I do believe I can be an independent WTC rider, as I was for many years. I think I don't "mesh" with the horse I am riding at all, and my instructors attitude about me certainly does little more than sink my confidence. I am definitely open to finding a PATH instructor who has experience with anxious riders though (and after my last lesson I don't plan to go back to that instructor, but certainly don't want to quit altogether)


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## WhattaTroublemaker (Aug 13, 2013)

What an awful person, that instructor. I used to ride at a place like that, years ago when I was a child. She made me cry twice a week and I wasn't learning anything, and still to this day I believe she has something to do with why I'm so nervous riding in front of people. 

I also have experience riding horse I didn't mesh with. This horse was a lesson horse who took small children to reining levels, and I just couldn't ride her. She took me ALL over the place, bucked with me, tried to bite me on the ground and scraped me on walls despite me resorting to spursto jab her when she took me into a wall (this was at the instructors will) 

Ditch that place. There is someone who will and can teach you right.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

Make sure to come back here and tell us how you're doing with your new improved instructor.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

You need a new instructor and a broke, solid, safe horse who will put up with mistakes and do what is asked until you get your confidence back. I wish you luck in finding the perfect place and encourage you not to give up and to keep going with your goals and dreams.


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## egrogan (Jun 1, 2011)

Hi @Westernpleasure5991- sounds like you're actually in my back yard, I'm in southwestern New Hampshire! I don't have much experience riding Western, so am limited in how much advice I can offer as the barns I know here tend to be focused on English riding. If you want to send me a private message (right click on my user name over my picture <--- and select "send message") maybe you can tell me more about what town you're in and where this happened. And, I can tell you more about some of the barns I know and introduce you to a couple of people who I know have more western experience than me and could possibly give recommendations. 

Oh, the therapeutic riding program where I volunteer offers 'independent' lessons to adults with and without disabilities (I know not all do, just wanted to make the point that not all therapeutic programs only serve riders who need assistance in lessons). If you're in the SW part of the state, I'd be happy to get you connected to this barn.


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

I wouldn't get caught up on whether it's a Western barn or an English barn-- you need to get in the right program for you with the right instructor and the right horse. If that's an English barn, then ride English for awhile.


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## SansPeurDansLaSelle (May 6, 2013)

You definitely need a new instructor. I recommend all adult beginners and re-riders start with private lessons with a relaxed, mature instructor on a quiet, broke horse. My parents both took up riding in their 50's so although I have ridden my entire life I have watched their progression as well. Their instructor is about their age and is always extremely quiet and relaxed and over the past twelve years has taken them from nothing to w-t-c, jumping courses, and riding confidently on difficult trails at a gallop. They always rode in private lessons or with a couple other adults as they got better, never big groups, and never with lots of talented juniors riding circles around them.

It really takes a special instructor to teach adult beginners, a lot of trainers do not have the right kind of patience and ability to explain, and it is worth it to spend the time to find one. When shopping for a trainer ask if they have other adult beginners and if you can watch them teach a lesson to those people, it doesn't matter if they can coach advanced riders and get great show results you don't need that, you need patience and understanding.


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## SamanthaApp (Jul 6, 2017)

This makes me so sad to read  I LOVE my instructor, she makes riding so fun, relaxing, and it is a huge confidence boost. Every ride is better than the last. I had my first fall the other day, and even that was a strangely positive experience with her. I landed on my feet so I wasn't hurt, and we laughed, assessed, then resumed the lesson. Bottom line, it is a HEALTHY environment. I suffer from anxiety too, and we are extra sensitive to unhealthy environments and situations. We have to delegate much of our emotional capacity to overcoming the anxiety, leaving little in the tank to deal with nasty people and/or situations. 

I took one lesson at another barn, the owner/instructor was super aggressive and barked orders at me and the horse. She man handled her horse when he wouldn't back up in the stable, instead of calmly continuing to ask, then tell, then demand. She went from ask to freak the F out on the horse yanking on the lead rope and yelling at it. It was a very uncomfortable experience. That was the worst ride of my life. I couldn't even get the horse into a trot going left, and barely kept up a trot going right. Especially in the beginning good instruction is so important. We have plenty of time down the road to consider staying with a gruff instructor because they can teach us (fill in the blank) better than anyone else in town. But for now I hope you find an instructor and horse that make riding fun for you again. Good luck <3


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## mckenzies (May 26, 2017)

The way my therapist explains those situations is a "managing overload". Managing whatever is initially stemming from it, managing how you feel about others reactions, managing the pressure from not accomplishing it because you're trying to deal with the other two.. But having no control over it...It all adds up and it SUCKS!!

I hope you find a good trainer and horse combo that is understanding and can help you progress in your riding.


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## Luce73 (Dec 7, 2012)

Agree with the change instructor advice! That said, sometimes you can have an off day, and school ponies can be super super stubborn about not wanting to canter if you dont ask exaaaactly right, or if they realize you're not the instructor who they know will MAKE them canter if they dont listen on first try. Dont feel bad about that. I struggled with that same situation (horse not cantering, me becoming frustrated and feeling like i SUCKED, then my instructor getting on and the horse cantering perfectly right away with now whip/crop/spurs) for about 2 years, until i found the button for that particular horse. All that trying and trying (and failing!) made me a better rider, and I have found that since then, other horses I've ridden will pick up the canter right away so that particular lesson horse being an *ss was a bit part of it LOL. 

Try not to worry about your current ability, you're there to learn, and if things go wrong you just keep trying, whether that solution comes in minutes, hours, months or years - the longer it takes the more rewarding it will feel when you get there! You do need an instructor who is there trying to teach you, and not making you feel bad. 

(I will not comment on your anxiety disorder as I have no experience with that, but this is how it worked for me, hope its somewhat helpful)


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## Whinnie (Aug 9, 2015)

@SansPeurDansLaSelle ----1000 likes. I am a born again rider and at 65 am taking private lessons. Although my instructor is very young (22) and not certified in any way, she has worked under Dressage instructors for years, has a local show record and went to college in Minnesota her freshman year majoring in equine studies including reining horses and the like, to expand her knowledge. The most important part of her resume is that she has boundless patience and if I have trouble "getting" something, she will problem solve and come up with other ways to try. A fantastic rider is not necessarily a good instructor. I hope you find a good one-on-one instructor who will nurture your passion.


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## SansPeurDansLaSelle (May 6, 2013)

Whinnie said:


> @SansPeurDansLaSelle ----1000 likes. I am a born again rider and at 65 am taking private lessons. Although my instructor is very young (22) and not certified in any way, she has worked under Dressage instructors for years, has a local show record and went to college in Minnesota her freshman year majoring in equine studies including reining horses and the like, to expand her knowledge. The most important part of her resume is that she has boundless patience and if I have trouble "getting" something, she will problem solve and come up with other ways to try. A fantastic rider is not necessarily a good instructor. I hope you find a good one-on-one instructor who will nurture your passion.


I often find that great riders make terrible coaches actually! The naturally talented just don't understand how much the rest of us struggle and the need to explain and have multiple approaches available in your back pocket for when one doesn't work. 

Although I have ridden my entire life I have very little natural talent for it and have had to struggle my entire riding career and the trainers who could get the most out of me are the ones who took the time to explain things in a new way or use a different metaphor rather than just screaming at me because I couldn't just "feel" what was right.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

You definitely need an instructor that will be able to keep things more relaxed and supportive for you. This one isn't right for you, and is only ruining the experience. Private lessons on a very well-broke horse might be a good thing, and your instructor doesn't have to be certified to be good. 

My daughter rides with a very tough instructor, who would not do well with someone like yourself, but it works for my daughter, because she's competitive and really likes to excel. I've taken lessons with her, but have also brought in a different instructor/trainer to work with my ultra-sensitive spooky mare. This person is used to sensitive horses, and is actually a Reiki practitioner so she gets anxiety, and knows how to be soothing. I'm not a really anxious person, but I'm older, and do not have the confidence of a teenager. Coming off my spooky mare a couple of times didn't help. This girl is very young (early 20s), but is talented and just has the right personality. She's not certified, but I don't care - I'm not going to compete. She also practices the Centered riding mentioned by a previous poster, and rides bitless, which is something I've started doing with my mare as well. We just click. Oh, and because she is young and trying to make a name for herself, she is far cheaper than my daughter's coach who IS certified and in high demand. Bonus!


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## horselovinguy (Oct 1, 2013)

Westernpleasure5991 said:


> I live in southern New Hampshire, if that helps. I'll look into a path certified instructor, i volunteer at a therapeutic farm about 30 min from where I live but none of the riders there are independent riders


You have the perfect place to start to ride again...
A therapeutic riding program is for people with many types of "disabilities"...anxiety is a true disability.
Speak to the instructors where you are volunteering...

Although you may only see riders in this program currently being assisted, there are many in the handicapped riding programs, aka therapeutic riding that are independent riders.
Check out Special Olympics Equestrian Events in your state and area.
If you search around you will find other places with certified instructors.
Don't let one instructor with a bad attitude ruin for you what will be a rewarding sport to resume.
All it takes is the right confidence building instructor and horse to start to spread your abilities and enjoy riding as you know you can do...take that step toward that glorious adventure.
Don't even consider going back to that place...that is _*not *_someplace you want to be with attitudes like that...

Go, speak to those who know you and you know them.
You trust their judgment and that is a large hurdle right there overcome!!
Here is a link to the state chapter of Special Olympics....
_Special Olympics - New Hampshire : About Us_
There are quite a few areas with already recognized programs and farms instructing handicapped riders of various disabilities.
As you already know, the spectrum of disability is huge that is served and life quality improved when horses are a part of it...
Go for it!!!
:runninghorse2:....


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## newtrailriders (Apr 2, 2017)

Hey - I'm an anxious rider, myself, and somewhat of a beginner. I don't understand a whole lot about riding but I have finally (at age 47) really started to overcome my anxiety and started to enjoy my horses and my life. I just have to tell you that, once you make it to the other side of the severe anxiety (and you will, some day!) it's a whole new world! Some day you'll learn to relax. Horses can REALLY help you do that and really are the best therapy. I hope you find a GOOD 1:1 instructor so you can just learn to exhale.


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