# Not sure what to do...relationship troubles



## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

This sounds pretty toxic.

I think your instinct to leave is right. I know relationships have ups and downs but yours seems far more down than up. You all seem to have individual problems that effect each other. Sometimes the best thing to do is to go it alone, work out your own problems and once you have a grasp of your life then look at sharing it with someone else.

Leases can be broken. If you're serious about breaking up speak to him and see if he's willing to take over the lease, if he's not and you can cover it then ask if he's willing to leave. Otherwise read your contract and see what you can do, often if you find someone else to take it over you can end early. Otherwise three months isn't so bad, can you cover that and rent somewhere smaller? Or stay with family for a while?
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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Mormons take care of their own. this is something that I have always seen to be true. I think you need your family, and your roots right now.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

Right now, between rent, board, insurance and phone, I have $75 per month left. I know some people will say "sell your horse," but that takes time, during which I would still have to pay board. And I can't lease him out (no one will lease a green 6yo draft cross in cowboy country...and leasing isn't really a thing around here).

I can't stay with family. My parents, as much as I love them, I wouldn't live with them. They're 70-years-old and their lifestyle is just completely different than mine (I work nights). My only other family in the area is my brother, but I won't live with him. We aren't super close and he lives in a tiny house. My parents can't help me financially, either. My sister lives two hours away in the city, but I refuse to move to the city. Lived in Tucson for six years and hated it. Phoenix (where she lives) is a hundred times worse.

I have no friends in the area, other than my best friend, but she lives with her grandma. Just no. I've talked about her before on here, so anyone who has read that knows why.

I'm sure my friend would let me break my lease. I'm fairly certain, especially given the circumstances.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. Far from it. I was married for almost four years and we got divorced. I was then single for over five years. Didn't even date at all. I am fine alone. 

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## squirrelfood (Mar 29, 2014)

This relationship was toxic the last time you brought it here, and is even more so now. For your own mental health, you need out, whatever it takes to get it done.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

It sounds like there are a couple of things that seem to be contributing to your troubles.....

What I'm hearing is finances, and libedo/weight on your part, PTSD on his part.

Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace University? I'd suggest every young couple take this workshop.

Weight/libedo.....I wish I knew what advice to give here...but really, I don't....many young women struggle with this......

PTSD.....this one needs attention....try the VA first but don't overlook out reach ministries etc....

After 30 years of marriage, I can tell you there have been ups and downs in my relationship too......and most of the time, it's been related to finances...but not always....life seems to work in cycles.....get through this and you'll be up again for awhile...

Best Wishes....


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

Gunslinger, I've asked him, begged him, cajoled him, and nagged him to get help at the VA. He won't do it. He went about five years ago to get help, they put him on a psych drug with no monitoring (I have a feeling they told him to make and keep regular appointments to monitor it, but because no one held his hand and did it for him, he didn't do it). When he met me, he took himself off the drug because it messed with his sexual performance. He's 45-years-old. I'm not going to be his mom.

As for the financial part, yes, that's a big part of it. But the bigger part is his refusal to even LOOK for a job. He'll apply a few places to placate me if I pester him, then he won't follow up or pursue them. Then he uses the fact that he doesn't get. a call or an interview as an "Oh poor me. No one wants to hire me" excuse to not apply other places. I had to pester my boss for two months before I landed my job. It's most definitely an employer's market right now. You have to work at it if you want a job. But if I say anything, I'm being mean and "don't understand."

What's sad is that the week before Christmas, I broke up with him. Kicked him out (may not seem fair, but he can't pay the rent with no job and we're both on the lease, so I would be liable for the rent anyway). Then I panicked. Didn't think I could manage on my own (as I said, my parents can't help me financially). So, I went back that same night that I broke up with him and agreed to try to work things out. But they aren't working out.
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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

Okay, a lot going on here.

1) Get rid of the guy. Get rid of all guys until you have your life in order.

2) Re-establish a relationship with your son; whatever the issues are or were that are keeping you from him, fix them. No excuses. I don’t need to know why, it doesn’t matter, just fix it.

3) Start an “exercise routine”. I am not harping on your weight here, but some of your “woman’s issues” can be caused by being overweight. Fat cells actually produce extra estrogen that can interfere with your reproductive cycles. More fat, more estrogen. If you have an overload of estrogen, the body will convert it to testosterone, giving you some more masculine attributes.

Lose fat and the other things start to clear up. Weight loss can be as simple as parking your car further away than normal and walking that extra distance into work, never, ever eating out or getting off a bus one stop before and walking the extra block or two; Taking the stairs when possible, when you get hungry, take the dog for a walk instead. Make it a rule to never snack while sitting down. Drink water and nothing else throughout the day.

4) Do you have cable/satellite television, internet, smart phone? Get rid of all three and you have probably saved about $150 a month and tripled the amount of money you have at the end of the month.

Internet can be accessed at the library. Nothing good on tv anyway and there are cheap phones that will afford you texting and messaging for about $20 a month. These are not necessities these are niceties.

5) Last but not least. It doesn’t make sense to have a horse with a home, while you do not. It may take time to sell him, but even in cowboy country there are people who really like the bulkier built horses.

From the way you make it sound you are one relationship and one paycheck away from becoming homeless, your son is growing up without his mother, your weight is taking a toll on your health and you have a mate in your life who is not enriching your life, but instead is sabotaging it.

Something needs to change and it is up to you to make some difficult decisions to turn things around. You have a job so that is an excellent start and gives you the tools you need to do this. 

Anything is possible if you want it badly enough, the second part of that saying oft forgotten, is that it will require many difficult sacrifices to do so. 

P.S. Parents are good for more than financial support. They can be a critical source of moral support and hard won wisdom as well.


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## LPH (Nov 1, 2014)

I honestly feel that this relationship is toxic and not doing either of you any good. Of course you're a grown woman and no one can tell you what to do but I would suggest leaving at this point. It sounds as though he isn't supportive at all whatsoever and that is NOT something you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with. I've been in a situation where the man was unsupportive of my goals (even though he had none of his own) and it was miserable to deal with over a short span of one year. I couldn't handle it any longer.
I know you say you're almost ready to leave, but at the same time it looks like you're making a lot of excuses to NOT leave.
If I were you I would try to write down the pros and cons of this relationship and really evaluate your resins for staying.
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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

Reining, I have a specific place I have to park at work. I have to walk the halls of the hotel at least three times per night, which includes going upstairs. We don't have an elevator, so I make a minimum of three round trips up and down the stairs every night (that's not including if a guest upstairs needs anything). I hardly eat out (don't like it) and I don't eat that much. Compared to two years ago, I eat maybe a third of what I did then. 

I don't have Internet or cable/satellite. I do have an iPhone, but I am on Straight Talk, so only pay $47 per month for my phone. A flip phone is $38 per month on a pay-as-you-go through Verizon (we have limited choices for phone where I live). I'd rather pay the extra $10 per month and have a smartphone. I don't go anywhere or do anything. Ever. My one real luxury is my horse. 

My relationship with my son is fine. It's the relationship with his dad that is the problem. I'm working on getting things rearranged, but it takes time and money. Time I have. Money...well...that's a problem.
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## LPH (Nov 1, 2014)

*reasons*
Urgghh, my phone messed with my paragraphs.

I just saw your other post. It's sounding more and more like my ex. He didn't have a job until one fell in his lap from a family friend. He would never apply for jobs. He was very unwilling to do ANYTHING unless I nagged him. 

Honestly, the PTSD probably isn't helping the situation. The fact that he isn't willing to seek help for it is even more troubling than the PTSD itself. 

ReiningCatsAndDogs wrote an excellent response.
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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

LPH, I have friends who have offered to help him get a job with their company. I have friends and family who keep an eye out for places hiring and tell me. I pass the info along to him and nothing gets done. Like I said, he's a grown man. I'm done holding his hand and being his mommy.
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## LPH (Nov 1, 2014)

It sounds to me like he has no drive and he is completely willing to allow you to provide for him. You deserve better than that. 
I would suck it up, look for someone to live with (whether you like it or not) and save the money to get yourself your own place. He isn't contributing, he isn't even being nice to you. What reason does he have to be in your life at this point?
I'm sorry you're in this situation 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LPH (Nov 1, 2014)

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## squirrelfood (Mar 29, 2014)

Reiningcatsanddogs said:


> Okay, a lot going on here.
> 
> 1) Get rid of the guy. Get rid of all guys until you have your life in order.
> 
> ...


Rinse and repeat. Very good advice.


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

Dusty, $10 a month is 12% of your money left over at the end of the month. That is a lot. I prefer steak over hamburger too, but if I don't have the budget for it, hamburger it is. 

Glad to hear you are doing something about your situation with your son. 

Part of my old job was as a physical trainer for people. If you are already walking then you need to up the ante and do more of it. I get the hormone thing because I used to have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (if you don't know what it is, look it up) and I will tell you that the weight can come off, you just have to move more, since as you already pointed out you don't eat much (although that can also cause weight gain).


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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Others have already given you excellent advice. I will add that eating too little can make your body retain fat and depression can easily cause you to retain fat cells as well. 

Drafty you need to get out of that relationship and you know this. If you're already taking care of all expenses on your own, what would it matter if you kicked him out? Your renting from a friend. Perhaps talking to this friend will lower the rent enough that you can handle it on your own.

I don't know where you board, but maybe do chores for part board.

You know what you need to do and it's scary. But it's all up to you.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

Our rent is already half of what it should be for where we live. I pay $450/month for a four bedroom two bath house on a fully-fenced acre. Typical rent on a place like this here is $900-1200/month.

My BO doesn't do the whole work-in-exchange-for-board thing. I also board at the cheapest place in the area. It's also cheaper to board where I'm at than it would be to bring him to the house. 

I do know what I need to do. I think I was just more looking for affirmation that I'm not over-reacting and that it is as bad as I think it is. Because he acts like everything is 100% fine and if I suggest it isn't, he acts like I'm a drama queen.
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## squirrelfood (Mar 29, 2014)

> Because he acts like everything is 100% fine and if I suggest it isn't, he acts like I'm a drama queen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of COURSE he does! THAT is how these guys control you, by making you think it is YOUR fault. Do you really think that in any way represents love and caring?


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

squirrelfood said:


> This relationship was toxic the last time you brought it here, and is even more so now. For your own mental health, you need out, whatever it takes to get it done.


Have you sought professional mental counseling? There are programs that you only pay if you can afford it,


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

churumbeque said:


> Have you sought professional mental counseling? There are programs that you only pay if you can afford it,


As a couple or myself?

As a couple, we attended a couple's class at the VA. 

For myself, no. 

What's kind of scary is that I know he's in my head with making me feel like it's my fault. I know this, yet I still believe him.
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## whisperbaby22 (Jan 25, 2013)

It sounds as if this guy is manipulating you. Is there any way you can get him out of there and get one or two roommates?


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

DraftyAiresMum said:


> Gunslinger, I've asked him, begged him, cajoled him, and nagged him to get help at the VA. He won't do it. He went about five years ago to get help, they put him on a psych drug with no monitoring (I have a feeling they told him to make and keep regular appointments to monitor it, but because no one held his hand and did it for him, he didn't do it). When he met me, he took himself off the drug because it messed with his sexual performance. He's 45-years-old. I'm not going to be his mom.
> 
> As for the financial part, yes, that's a big part of it. But the bigger part is his refusal to even LOOK for a job. He'll apply a few places to placate me if I pester him, then he won't follow up or pursue them. Then he uses the fact that he doesn't get. a call or an interview as an "Oh poor me. No one wants to hire me" excuse to not apply other places. I had to pester my boss for two months before I landed my job. It's most definitely an employer's market right now. You have to work at it if you want a job. But if I say anything, I'm being mean and "don't understand."
> 
> ...


if he's not working and your paying the bills why do you need to move? Evict him. He can go and live back with his mom. My guess is if you got some self esteem getting a better job and loosing weight would come easier.


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## churumbeque (Dec 20, 2009)

DraftyAiresMum said:


> As a couple or myself?
> 
> As a couple, we attended a couple's class at the VA.
> 
> ...


For yourself. It would help you make better decisions and see things more clearly.


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

This relationship hasn't been in a happy place for a long time. You've mentioned it before. 

Kick him out. Get a roommate, preferably a male or a woman who is tough. Get some self-defense books from the library and practice at home: good for your body, good for your mind. You need to develop more confidence in yourself.

Kick him out. OUT. Get rid of him. It's a bad scene. It's not doing you ANY favours. OUT - OUT!


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## Incitatus32 (Jan 5, 2013)

Drafty I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I know it cannot be easy at all. That being said I agree with reiningcatsanddogs, and the others. 

While I have not experienced this in my relationship my father has I.E.D coupled with PTSD. The smartest thing my mother ever did was kick him to the curb the moment he went off of medication and became a little more 'rougher' than usual. I contrast this to my grandfather who is on medication for I.E.D and has a wonderful relationship with my grandmother. I hate to be someone that says this, but in my experience things like these DO escalate, often for the negative. From all that you have said I think that NONE of this is your fault. You are NOT weak or ugly or too sensitive. 

I think that you will do what you know is right and what will keep you happy. Your happiness comes before his! And so does your safety and health!!


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## Remali (Jul 22, 2008)

Oh gosh, so sorry you are going through this... it sounds like you already may know what you need to do.

One thing I will say... Life is short, you deserve to be happy. I would move on asap without him.


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## Speed Racer (Oct 21, 2009)

If he's not contributing financially, why do you think you need him around?

He's emotionally abusive, and the fact that you shoot down every reasonable idea to kick him to the curb and get on with your life tells me you don't really want help, you just want to play the victim.

Either take responsibility for yourself and your life, or continue playing the fool and being victimized by this loser. 

I have felt sorry for you in the past, but no longer. You've allowed it to continue, so you must get some perverse satisfaction from this toxic relationship. Otherwise, you'd have gone into self preservation mode and done whatever it takes to get rid of him.

Sorry Drafty, but it's time to put up or shut up. Either become the person you say you want to be, or stay and be the perpetual victim. Nobody can change your life except you.


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## DraftyAiresMum (Jun 1, 2011)

SR, I don't see where I've shot down anyone telling me I need to get rid of him. I completely agree. He needs to go or the relationship needs to end somehow. He's just so far into my head that I get up the resolve to do it, then I start second-guessing myself. NOT using that as an excuse. It's a real problem. 

I guess I should be "fair" and say that he helps buy food (he takes money from the vending machine business every so often). The electric is also in his name and, because of past indescretions on my part, I would have to pay a very large deposit in order to get it switched to my name. Something I can't afford. 

For all those wondering why I am considering moving and not just kicking him out, I need to get out of this town. Yes, my parents and brother are here, but that is it. There aren't many good jobs in this area. The cost of housing is ridiculously high compared to the average wage. Besides, it's a VERY small town and I just don't want to have to see him after we're through (sounds childish, I know, but we both have very recognizable vehicles and I just don't want to have to deal with seeing him and second-guessing myself all over again).
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## Blue (Sep 4, 2011)

Drafty, I understand what you're saying. You don't WANT to. But you understand what we're saying. You NEED to. 

Don't know what you're going to do about the electric, I have no answer. You chose to keep your horse and I understand. You don't want to live with your folks, your brother, your sister, and have no friends except the one. But, I've been homeless. Lived in my car for awhile with 2 kids. I've lived with no electric, yada, yada, yada. Millions of women do what they NEED to do and move on. 

The choice is yours.


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## HombresArablegacy (Oct 12, 2013)

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

Drafty, PLEASE go to the link above and read the signs for abuse. You will see yourself in the descriptions listed.

This guy is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing you, and trying to control you. That is what abusers do, and it does escalate. He has serious problems that you cannot change. 

You have your own problems, some exacerbated by the relationship you are in. You HAVE to put yourself and your needs first. I've been in your shoes, and know how it feels. Get rid of him, kick his butt to the curb, and start from there. Call one of the Domestic Abuse toll free hot lines and talk to someone. They are specifically trained to help women in your situation and can help you with counseling, because you seriously need it. 

Never mind for now all the what ifs of being in a small town and having to run into him wherever, that's the least of your problems. Once you kick his butt out, the healing for you will start, but you have to work at it. Put yourself first. You will find a way, and your life will get better. IF you want it to!!!!! Stop overanalyzing all the roadblocks to what you know you need to do, and just do it. One step, one day at a time. No one can do it for you. One of life's biggest lessons ( as we older people can tell you) is that life is all about making choices, and learning to make the right choices. We stumble, we fall, we get back up, learn from our mistakes, go on with life.

You have some decisions to make. Believe in yourself and make the right choices for YOU.
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## BarrelracingArabian (Mar 31, 2010)

A year and a half ago I came to the forum with a very similar problem. After hearing I wasn't crazy and it wasn't my fault it made me feel better. I ended up leaving him in jan 2014 and that was the best decision I ever made. I moved out of state, cut off ties and had an amazing year finding myself again. I met an amazing guy, closer to my age and so much more driven its amazing. He makes me feel great about myself and is completely supportive of me. 

Don't worry about the what ifs, things will fall into place some how. It will only be worse if you hang around just to play it "safe". Its unhealthy and the stress caused by this relationship can be the exact reason for your weight gain. For me stress causes me to lose weight however I have a friend who it causes significant weight gain. Until you are happy, or atleast happier the weight will be an issue 

You need to do what is best for you, don't worry about hurting him because he has already hurt you. You need to worry about yourself and your child not some grown man who can't do things for himself.


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## Corazon Lock (Dec 26, 2011)

I'm taking a trauma advocacy class that is focused on abuse, and from what you have said, I can tell you that this man is abusive. 

I understand you are stuck right now because you feel as if this is YOUR fault, and that you feel you cannot live without him (financially, whatever). Many people that are victims cycle back to their abuser several times before severing all ties. 

You need to find a way to sever ties, to set boundaries. This man is manipulating you. He is living off your hard-earned money, and he is making you feel poorly about yourself. None of this is okay, nor is it "normal" to have this in a relationship. 

My suggestion to you is to find either a counselor or a trauma advocate, someone who is professionally trained in helping people out of abusive situations. This person may also be able to offer you places to find financial help resources when you are left picking up the pieces. 

Be careful posting this sort of stuff on anonymous forums like HF. There are a few responses already that are not productive or helpful. We are not trauma advocates or counselors (most of us). People commenting in certain ways can be more hurtful to the OP than helpful. We have to be very careful with what we say to people that are victimized. Because of that, I try to refrain from posting personal, sensitive-to-me things on here.


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## Reiningcatsanddogs (Oct 9, 2014)

“Some” of us also have a couple or three pieces of paper that have been hanging on a wall for 20 years or more while we worked in the field that say we know a little bit on the subject.

I would be cautious using material from a class or two to attribute victim status to a person as it is often very destructive in and of itself.

While I agree with others that she would benefit from some type of counseling, just to help her find direction again, I believe “Abuse” counseling would be creating a victim where there is not one. Making a diagnosis of a specific mental issue, condition or disease is best made by a professional in a face to face consultation. Whether or not further "abuse counseling" is indicated would be something determined by a professional after a consultation. 

So from a completely non-diagnostic view:

She fell for a manipulative guy with a nasty streak (at least twice, from the sounds of her son's father). She believed love, understanding and support would change him. She realized he has no desire to do the “right” things to be “fixed” and she is moving on. That is quite a rational thought.

She wants her BF to man up, but she also needs to put on her big girl pants which she has temporarily folded away in a drawer while she was trying to help her guy and get her own priorities straightened back out. The fact that she holds a decent job gives her the means to do exactly that.

I do agree with you on one point. When you hang your laundry on the clothes line, your neighbor's might form an opinion of you based on your underwear.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Reiningcatsanddogs said:


> I do agree with you on one point. When you hang your laundry on the clothes line, your neighbor's might form an opinion of you based on your underwear.




At which point, having donned one's BGPs (Big Girl Panties), one realizes it's none of the neighbor's bees wax and carries on in such a fashion as to be able to grow and find one's own happiness without need of further input from the neighbor. 

Drafty, all I got say on the subject is, the first time that guy said something derogatory to or about me, I would have kicked him to the curb so hard he'd still be looking for all the body parts. It is not OK to have a man who belittles you in your life. It's not fair to yourself.


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

I'm really sorry that your partner has problems but having once been married to someone that was in the military who blamed all his bad behavior on the same sort of things my advice to you is to walk away as fast as you can. 
I kept on making excuses for him, feeling sorry for him, forgiving him when he pleaded and bought me expensive gifts - but the one thing he could never do was change
The day I accepted that was one of the best days of my life. I had to give up a lot of things but for the peace of mind it was 100% worth it.
Like you I also suffered with health problems, lack of motivation, a feeling a worthlessness - because that's what they do to you but once away from him all of those things gradually went away
If you can't talk it through with your parents - that can be hard - then why not sit down with the Bishop or Branch President or the Relief Society President? Talking really does help.


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## BreezylBeezyl (Mar 25, 2014)

It is my opinion that relationships only last so long as both parties are actively working on and putting effort into the relationship. I 100% believe that, even if your relationship seems to have a lot of bad times, as long as you work through it and come out on top then the quantity of fights don't matter.

I'm not really seeing that here. He has stopped putting effort in, and you really need to consider that. You are drowning because you have taken up the entire workload of the relationship and he has no desire or drive to pick his 50% back up. He has now reverted to belittling you to make himself better. This is bullying and is unacceptable behaviour in any relationship.

I do agree with everyone in regards to 'making excuses' (both of you), and I'm going to tell you a little story about myself. My current boyfriend had a flirting conundrum. We call it a conundrum because neither one of us would label it as a problem in fear of us becoming dependant on it.

So my boyfriend used to go to Facebook, Instagram, and other social websites and made accounts and flirted with women and got them to send him pictures. He never met these people, had no desire to meet them, but had a power trip about getting women to send him inappropriate photos. It makes him feel better about himself, give him confidence - that women would take interest in him. I get it, I understand, I have confidence issues too. I understand it, but that doesn't make his behaviour acceptable.

So I didn't like it, and it was a big issue, and we did break up over it once. In the end, instead of him saying "I can't help it, I have a problem" and making himself out to be a victim, he took control of the issue. He bought a web filter for his phone and his computer so he cannot go to these websites. After this, he gave (keyword gave) me administrative access so I can see when he has attempted to go to these sites, and could change the access if I wanted to.

He did all this without asking me. He did all of this without me pushing. He recognized this as something that needed to be solved, and he went out and figured out a solution. Because it was HIS issue to figure out.

Does your boyfriend do this when he runs into a 'conundrum'? Does he take responsibility? Does he hold himself accountable?

Moving onto finances, my mom always used to tell me the money would come from somewhere. You keep focusing on money as being an issue, but are also refusing to move out and try and help yourself. You won't know until you try, but you've got to be strong enough to uproot your life and make changes. These changes might not be ideal for you in the beginning (ie, you moving in with your parents), but they will allow you to regain control over your life and get back on your feet.

It's time to make some sacrifices, for the better.


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## BarrelRacer23 (Aug 17, 2011)

I believe the last time you came with the same problems everyone told you to leave. It's time to act like an adult and expect more out of life. I can't imagine only having $75 left over a month. You could be bettering yourself instead of wasting your time on a man who doesn't care. And why should he? He has you to pay everything for him. You should have been paying child support this whole time, so yeah it's a financial blow. But it comes with having children and not being the custodial parent. 
If you want your life to change, change it. Nobody is going to come along and do it for you. There are no excuses, no reasons why it can't be changed. All it takes it the right mindset and the first step.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

I get that there are a problems with a lot of the alternatives. But to achieve the change you want you're going to have to start changing what you do. 

Sometimes it's good to write down the options and alternatives, even the ones you don't want, and seeing where you stand. 

The way I see it, which may be wrong, you have a couple of options which aren't too great. You can stay where you are with things continuing how they are, if you choose to do that there is nothing wrong with that, but own your decision. Stay because you decide to, because you have a choice, not because of your circumstance. 

The second option is to get him to move out. The third is to move in with family in a less than ideal living situation but still not exactly bad. The fourth is to move away to a new town. 

You have choices, they may not be perfect but it is yours to choose. 

I understand how hard changing can be, especially in relationships. Is there a first step you can take, like what about asking him to move out without ending the relationship? Tell him that you guys haven't been getting along and you'd like some space. Then have some breathing space, still see him a couple days a week if you want but start getting a grip on who you are. Then you can start viewing the relationship more objectively. 

If you have a large house, could you possibly rent out a room or two to someone else? If you could, you could save up until the end of the lease and then move away.


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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Tough love coming.

This guy needs to go. I encourage you to invite him to no longer be a part of your life. There's red flags all over the place and it will not end well for you. It really won't. I don't want you to end up in a ditch somewhere.

IMO, you have options for living situations but are turning them down. You're not really in a position where you can be choosy about where you live. You CAN stay with family, you just don't want to. It won't be an ideal situation, but it will be better than where you are now. Just because an option isn't one you like, that doesn't automatically write it off as a non-option.

If you have health insurance, ask your doctor for a referral to an endocrinologist and get a full workup done. You may have a thyroid problem. Chronic stress will also cause the problems you're experiencing (weight gain, inability to lose weight, lack of libido).

If you want to lose weight, borrow some videos from your local library. Use your smartphone to stream videos from youtube. Go for walks. There's plenty of affordable ways to work out. Working out is mostly for fitness and helping weight loss - it's not necessary for weight loss. I suggest you join a site like MyFitnessPal where you can set up a profile and learn how to track food. It's free. For the majority of people, you just need to eat fewer calories than you burn and you will lose weight. Even though you're eating less than you used to, depending on what you're eating and your portions, you still could be eating too much for weight loss.

If you're open to selling your horse, then it's something to consider. You don't know who is out there so you can't just write it off completely because it's cowboy country. If you can handle selling him, then advertise him and get him out there on the market.

You need to get your life together. You can't keep working crap jobs. It's not sustainable. Consider filling out the paperwork and enrolling in a community college near you and getting a better job skillset. What you're doing and what you have been doing, is not working. You're not too old - there are people older than you plugging away at their first degree.


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## Horseychick87 (Feb 5, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear about the trouble you're having.

I haven't seen the posts about your ex-husband, so no comments there.

As you said, you want out, but then 'think yourself' out of it basically.

I've been there, not with a guy, but it was still a toxic friendship. I was belittled, made to feel inferior, stupid, fat, and ugly. However I didn't (still don't honestly) make friends easily and was convinced that if I didn't hang onto this friend I'd be even more miserable than I currently was.
Finally, one day when the friend went on a tirade and actually tried to physically hurt me (she was mad at her boyfriend for not calling her back), was the day it ended...and it ended with that ex-friend on the ground wondering how she got there.
It took physical violence before I womaned up and left. I dumped her junk that she'd left with me on the roadside and didn't pick up the phone for her anymore.

After that I took a good long look at myself and realized I wasn't any of those things. (except for fat, I was almost 200 pounds at 5 feet tall back then.) I've gotten the ' too manly' thing from other people also, mainly because I was very physically strong before I gained so much weight. But I'd rather be a bit 'manly' than weak honestly. 

My point is, don't let him, or the thought of him keep you in a relationship that's no longer worth your time and effort. You have to tell yourself you are worth more than he realizes and that you can and will do better for yourself.

If money is tight, (I know I sound like a broken record with this.) Sell your plasma. You can get $200-$300 a month by going in and donating twice a week, every week each month. They usually put it on a debit type card and you can pull the cash off of it at any store and put it in your bank account. That money can add up fast.

I have a Tracfone, it's about $8 per month, not a smart phone, or even very modern, but it does what I need it to do. But I understand when only certain phone services are available.

If you can bring yourself to do it, kick him out and get some roommates and split the rent, it'll leave you with more money each month, and less of a headache with him gone.

I'd hate to see Aires go, I know you love him so much. Maybe you could get some more miles on him and lease him out or even loan him to a riding school?

I do hope things work out for you, and if you ever just want to talk or vent feel free to PM me.


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## Drifting (Oct 26, 2011)

Drafty,

You already know what I think of him. If you ever really want to get out of town, my Sister is moving out of my house in a month or so and you're welcome to come to Maryland. Must like dogs.  PM me if you ever need to.


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

Drafty,
From all your posts here on HF, it is obvious you are a smart, caring, helpful and loving individual. You need to treat YOURSELF with all that care and loving. Letting this relationship continue and fester is a form of self-abuse in my mind. You are worth the effort of kicking this man to the curb. For both of your sakes! I know you don't mean to be, but you are also enabling him to be a lazy sob. I think you will both grow from a separation. It's time for him to go!

I liked the suggestion of getting some roommates to help with the rent in your current home. Ideally female roommates who are not into drama, but are active and encouraging, lifting eachother up. Female friendship can do wonders for depression and the blues and getting through transitions.

If I had the space, I would say, move over here to Oregon! But, no extra space here, and so SO few jobs to be had  But please know, I (and many others) am pulling for you.


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## Jessabel (Mar 19, 2009)

Not much else to add, but have you considered going to a community college? Depending on the individual, there's some pretty significant financial aid available, not to mention scholarships. 

Having a mundane, barely-scraping-by job can really contribute to depression. I think having a real career that you enjoy would be a great step for you. You deserve better! Get rid of the slimy troll you call a boyfriend and focus on yourself.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

I've got to agree with Jessabel. invest in yourself and get some training and/or a degree. Some fields like dental hygienist etc can be completed relatively quick and pays well. 

Finish a program like that and I know your situation will improve dramatically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4horses (Nov 26, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation. I was in a similar predicament in my early twenties. I had a boyfriend who had borderline personality disorder. It was like dating someone who is bipolar. He was crazy in love with me and we could be really happy or it was the opposite and nothing I did was right. Over time it got worse and worse... with him threatening to kill himself if I left... If he ever got upset while driving he would drive very reckless. And everything was absolutely my fault. 

He needed help badly, but you can't fix someone like that. He needed medication but wouldn't take it. He needed counseling but would quit or find a new counselor and never was consistent. I don't think he ever made any progress.

He blew through a $100,000 inheritance, and spent money very easily. Didn't want to enter the workforce, wanted a different career after spending $20,000 on his master's degree. He decided to start over in a medical field despite being horrible at science, was getting Ds in his classes. At that point the money ran out.

On one of our last conversations, he told me he "decided" to work in construction. He said it was so he "could get to know people." When I tried questioning why he would want that he became really angry that I was not supporting him. But he couldn't give me any logical explanation for making another career change.

I actually feel sorry for him, as he has no sense of self identity. You could actually see him trying to build an identity (with a certain career or group of friends). Then he would decide he didn't want that and come up with a new career, a new group of friends, a new hobby, move to a new city, making all these drastic changes but in the end he never was happy (as long as I knew him).

At some point you have to decide when and how to get out. I had my horses, and my family to rely on. He was poisoning my life. There was a new crisis every week... I think most of them where made up in his head, then he would yell at me for some reason... it was always my fault. He would twist anything you said around. 

Much of his behavior is clearly related to bpd but you can't make someone get help... If someone is that unhappy with their life than all you can do is bail. You can't fix it. They will destroy you.

I think I was a much happier and more naive person before he came into my life. Just imagining having children with him makes me shudder! He would have been a horrible parent!

If you have kids and stay in this relationship, how will he treat the children? If he treats you badly do not expect him to be nice to the kids. These personality traits are going to show up towards any children you might have or want to have in the future.

Bid your time and get out. Set a date for leaving. Do whatever it takes! Stay strong!


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## karliejaye (Nov 19, 2011)

4horses said:


> Bid your time and get out. Set a date for leaving. Do whatever it takes! Stay strong!


Absolutely! Set a date and STICK to it! If you feel like there may be danger when you ask him to leave, notify the police, or get in touch with a women's and children's center. They often have resources, such as moderators who can either be there or offer advice.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank your lucky stars he wouldn't marry you!!!!

This is what I would do if I were in your shoes. Go beg your parents to let you & the animals move in. There is safety in numbers.
You work at night & sleep during the day so keep a low profile. Offer to do grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning... anything to make it easier on your parents.
Keep your nose clean.
Every time you see him remember how he made you feel.
Sign up to learn some skill. You should get financial aid pretty easily.
You can't start over but you can start anew.

Also, there's a reason there's lots of men out there & that's so you don't have to settle for a creep.


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## NorthernMama (Mar 12, 2008)

Drafty -- I'm sending you a bear hug - after all this input, I think you need one. Please be strong and do the right thing.


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