# lack of parental guidance in today's kids?



## Sunny06 (Jun 22, 2009)

3neighs said:


> I don't know, am I a little too old-fashioned?


2 words: Absolutely NOT. I think it's ridiculous for anyone that age to be on something like that where the site actualy_ lures_ you into giving out 'classified' information. You are fine. Go with your mommy instincts, lol.


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## AztecBaby (Mar 19, 2009)

Im 13 and i have had my own computer since i was 8 or 9 and have been using it without parental supervision since then. I would be rather annoyed if my parents were reading my private conversations and looking at my private stuff. Also I have a 9yr old brother that has his own computer and uses it without supervision or having the sites he goes on checked out.


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## ilovemyPhillip (Apr 4, 2009)

Some kids i know have stuff like that. I personally have parental blocks on mine. Im 13 almost 14.

My err "friend" is 12. He has not guidance... he watches soft core porn.... which i think is redonkulous. 

But i do think we could use a little leeway. Some of us are good. We should be able to be trusted with myspaces, but have our guardians check over it.


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## MIEventer (Feb 15, 2009)

> I have three girls and my oldest is 11. Some of her friends have Facebook or MySpace profiles, which I think is just wrong for that age. I'm just wondering how many parents are really aware of their kids' online activity. My girls have to ask to even get on the computer and if there's some new site they want to go to I have to approve it. On sites they do belong to, I know their usernames and passwords and will go in and monitor what they've been doing. I don't know, am I a little too old-fashioned?
> 
> I've seen some young members on here whom I can only assume their parents are unaware of what they're doing. Some really seem to have a lack of parental guidance and seem to just be seeking attention. I guess that's why I'm so concerned about what my own kids are doing.


Good for you 3neighs!

I'll tell you what, I would never permit my child to have a computer of their own, let along a computer in their room. Woudn't happen. Too many creaps out there and too many wrong things that could happen to your child while being unsupervised on the scarey world of the internet.

Good for you for protecting your children in that way. 

I agree with you wholeheartedly.


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## Tennessee (Dec 7, 2008)

I am not allowed a Myspace, but I do have a Facebook. Only because my older brother is on there, along with a bunch of cousins who would tell on me.

My parents don't go through my stuff though.


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## Plains Drifter (Aug 4, 2009)

My daughter is 16 and she thinks I'm bassackwards. I won't let her have a cell phone. (ok, I tried it and someone she didn't know texted her, asking her name and age and SHE TOLD THEM! Duh!!!) I won't let her have a facebook or myspace. (she made a myspace once and put on there that she was 21 with a fake name and someone else's picture.) She doesn't get on the computer unless it's school related and I am there to monitor what she is doing.

As far as I'm concerned what she does at 18 is her business but until then its my job to make sure she makes it to 18 safe and sound and I'll do whatever I feel is necessary to accomplish that.

So I'm sure ya'll think I'm a bad mom now.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

3Neighs, you are what parenting is suppose to be! Never doubt yourself where your childs welfare and safety are concerned. It's not the "easy" road to take, but it is the right road. Keep up the good parenting. :wink:


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## MIEventer (Feb 15, 2009)

Plainsdrifter - absolutely not. You are protecting your daughter, what more can you be as a Mother? I congratulate you for standing up and putting your foot down.

I am not a Mother and never will be, but it drives me bonkers when I see the younger generation running around with cell phones text messaging like crazy.

You know what - if I ever become a Mother, my kid will NOT have a cell phone where they can text message continuously - and if they do want one, then they can get a job and pay for it themselves. It drives me up the wall when I see them texting non stop at the mall, at the restaurant, in the theator and, my biggest pet peeve.....driving. NUH UH! 

I would allow my child to have a cell phone only for emergency use only. No texting, just access to emergency numbers including me and my husbands.

Now Facebook is alright in my book because it is a protected site. But I would definately make sure I see my child's friends list on a regular basis, but Myspace, I dislike Myspace very much - there is no protection with that one, so you do not know what is going on and who has access to my childs page.

I think you are being a great Mother, you are protecting your child and that is what a Mother is supposed to do.


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## Heybird (Jan 7, 2009)

3neighs said:


> I have three girls and my oldest is 11. Some of her friends have Facebook or MySpace profiles, which I think is just wrong for that age. I'm just wondering how many parents are really aware of their kids' online activity. My girls have to ask to even get on the computer and if there's some new site they want to go to I have to approve it. On sites they do belong to, I know their usernames and passwords and will go in and monitor what they've been doing. I don't know, am I a little too old-fashioned?
> 
> I've seen some young members on here whom I can only assume their parents are unaware of what they're doing. Some really seem to have a lack of parental guidance and seem to just be seeking attention. I guess that's why I'm so concerned about what my own kids are doing.



I completely agree with you. I am 25 (Saturday) my husband and I have already had this discussion as our son has turned 7 and loves the computer. (Our daughter is 5) Everything will be approved by us first. They can have there own computer but it is in our office with our username and passwords. :wink: They are not allowed on the computer without us next to them and it will stay that way even with the blocks we have issued on his computer. They will not be getting cell phones (unless they are the emergency phones) until they can pay for them and even then if they are not 18 they will be monitored by my husband and I. I was raised in the way that if you want something you work for it and after your doing working for it you can work a little harder, then you have earned it. It made me appreciate everything we have no matter how small.

There are to many crazies in the world and not enough sane people LOL These same rules we have applied for Tv, Friends, etc. I expect them to make there own mistakes, how else would they learn? But certain mistakes do not have to be made to begin with.

If your views are old fashioned, then I guess at the age of 25 we are joining the club LOL


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

Parents have been accused of being "old fashioned" since the beginning of time! But, the big question is , who is accusing them of being old fashioned? The child. :wink:

Never stopped my parents from parenting and it didn't stop me either when I was raising my children. Now I laugh because I am hearing the same song from my son and his wife when they discuss what will and will not be allowed with their daughter. 

I just smile.


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## RusticWildFire (Jul 6, 2008)

I think you are being a wonderful mother. As everyone has said already, there are way too many crazies out there and children can so easily get swept into that. I do believe that kids need more supervision. You are doing what you need to do to protect yours. Kudos to you! Keep doing what you are doing


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## hollybee (Aug 14, 2009)

I think it's good that you're not letting them run wild and watch porn etc...
but you could put a bit of trust in them

I'm 18 and my dad has checked our computer weekly since before i can remember to make sure we (my brothers and i) haven't been going on anything we shouldn't, i had a myspace profile when i was younger and i never betrayed my parents trust by - talking to strangers, giving out details, meeting people from the internet ect... If you just spoke to your children and told them not to accept friend requests from strangers, give out their details etc im sure they would cooperate.

I actually think it's quite appalling that you know their passwords and check everything of theirs, if you're so worried about myspace and facebook -block the sites, at the end of the day if a stranger gets in touch with them they can report the person and/or block them, and you can make private profiles so that no-one can see your information other than approved friends.

But i suppose that's why i have such a good relationship with my parents - because they trust me and i am happy that they do, i still tell my mum pretty much everything that goes off in my life and if i ever have a problem i wont go to my friends i'll go to my parents because we have a very good relationship.


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## Tennessee (Dec 7, 2008)

hollybee said:


> I think it's good that you're not letting them run wild and watch porn etc...
> but you could put a bit of trust in them
> 
> I'm 18 and my dad has checked our computer weekly since before i can remember to make sure we (my brothers and i) haven't been going on anything we shouldn't, i had a myspace profile when i was younger and i never betrayed my parents trust by - talking to strangers, giving out details, meeting people from the internet ect... If you just spoke to your children and told them not to accept friend requests from strangers, give out their details etc im sure they would cooperate.
> ...


 
I agree with everything you said.


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## 1dog3cats17rodents (Dec 7, 2007)

^I agree with above^

It's great to keep a watch on your kids, but you NEED trust in your kids. If my mom knew all my passwords, accounts, and read everything I wrote, I would resent her. And, I would much worse things then what you can on the internet. To be perfectly honest, being THAT nosey is a good way to drive your kid away.

Talk to them about being smart, consequences, and ecourage them to TELL you things, not dig into their personal life and never give them any freedom.

I have friends with parents like that, and they resent them to no end. More then one find "freedom" from their parents in other ways (sex, drugs, alcohol).

Guidance is good, be smart, don't be naive, but TRUST your kids. 99.999999% of kids will do something you don't like, no matter how strict and invasive you are. By restricting them at home, you set them up to find freedom away from home


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## bloodhoundmom28 (Jun 1, 2009)

i have a almost 13year old daughter and we have a great relationship BUT I to know all her passwords and her user names not to snoop but just in case something god forbid did happen i would have all that info. You are being a good mom and i applaud you in that. I trust my daughter what i dont trust is everyone else.


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)

> I trust my daughter what i dont trust is everyone else.


Ditto. I knew I'd ruffle the feathers of the younger people here, but I'm simply talking about computer use. I don't lock them in their rooms and give them their meals through a window. You're appalled by my restrictions? I'm appalled by the the way their friends are allowed to do whatever they want and the way they talk to adults with disrespect. Their parents are more concerned about being their friends than their parents. I don't find you're comments offensive, I welcome your perspective.

Thanks to all the other hardass parents for your support!  Walkamile, it is funny how history repeats itself!


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## morganshow11 (Dec 19, 2008)

My parents monitor my facebook


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## Heybird (Jan 7, 2009)

3neighs said:


> Ditto. I knew I'd ruffle the feathers of the younger people here, but I'm simply talking about computer use. I don't lock them in their rooms and give them their meals through a window. You're appalled by my restrictions? I'm appalled by the the way their friends are allowed to do whatever they want and the way they talk to adults with disrespect. Their parents are more concerned about being their friends than their parents. I don't find you're comments offensive, I welcome your perspective.
> 
> Thanks to all the other hardass parents for your support!  Walkamile, it is funny how history repeats itself!


Wait the parenting guide clearly stated to feed my children though a window..I am confused :shock:

Yes mother always said "You just wait your children will be 10 times worse" and "You are the kind of child that drew your own line then crossed it" All very true.... very very true LOL :wink: I am sorry Mother.

It's funny I had an older gentlemen shocked by the fact my children at the age of 5 and 7 stated Yes Sir to him upon most of his questions. It's all in the way you are raised I suppose.


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## RadHenry09 (Mar 22, 2009)

Heybird said:


> Wait the parenting guide clearly stated to feed my children though a window..I am confused :shock:
> Lol,
> 
> 
> ...


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## sandsarita (Jan 20, 2008)

To me you need to have a fine balance - allow your child some room to live their life, put out guidelines, but if they are broken become more strict until they do something to regain your trust. That's a fine line to walk, but to me you are leaning the better way by being strict than if you weren't. 

If you want to see what can go wrong with young girls, both because of other people and because of what troule the girls can get into themselves, just come with me to work one day. I don't know I will ever be able to let my girls out of my house. Remember the Dad in the movie 10 things I Hate about you? I can see me being the female version of him.


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## TaMMa89 (Apr 12, 2008)

Also I think children need supervision. Even in my opinion it would be good if the 'level' of supervision depended on their age, maturity level and trustworthiness - I think it's a bit too much if you know all your almost adult kids' passwords & accounts (I don't mean you should let them be without any supervision but I also think they have a right of some kind of privacy - if you don't suspect there's something wrong with them). With younger or immature kids that password thing is ok and better to monitor more. And one of the most important thing - when they start on internet, instruct them well.

As to cell phones, I actually think cell phones and kids are a great combination. This is perhaps a little cultural thing because over here almost everybody - no matter if you're a kid or grandpa - has a cellphone. For me it seems a great way to monitor your kid when he's not physically around and for him a great way to catch you or call help if he needs to, maybe keep in touch with a distant relative or friend sometimes. There are ways to block unwanted numbers & services from him, you can choose restricted number and set an account limit. Here again, instruct your children well how to use a cell phone and monitor it.

Personally I took my first steps on internet when I was 11-12 but really started with it when I was around 13-14. My parents know almost nothing about internet so I've been pretty alone. Even if at first me and my friend surffed on a web at a local library where I think officials monitored us somehow. I got the web in my room when I was 15. I didn't do any bad mistakes then but I admit when I was younger I had some bad habits on the web. I'd have perhaps needed somebody to lead me and tell what to do and what not. I got my first cellphone when I turned 13 and think my parents did the right decision. Later when I started to stay home alone over weekends my parents demanded I had to stay available every time they needed and decided to call me.

Just my two cents . On the other hand, I believe parents know their children best and therefore are the best people to rule how their children use things like these ones. And it's always better to supervise too much than too less.


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## savvylover112 (Jul 17, 2009)

my parents dont supervise me i am nearly 15 and they trust me but they do know what all websites i am a part of and they think it is ok and they come up everyonce and a while and check on me to make sure everything is ok then they leave me alone i do not have a computer in my room but i am aloud it if i pay for it my self which i am saving up to do and they will still check up on me but not be there full time but i do respect wat all the mothers on here are saying


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## themacpack (Jul 16, 2009)

My daughter is 13. She has a cell phone (provide and paid for by her father, but a huge benefit to me) and has accounts on both MySpace and Facebook as well as her own e-mail account. The catch, though, is that I reserve the right to review all call and text records at any time. I set up the MySpace/Facebook and e-mail accounts and, as such, have the passwords - which I use to review things at my discretion. The moment that password changes, all internet privileges are gone. On both pages, myself, my husband, her father, my mom, all three of my sisters and other assorted family/friends are her "friends" -- meaning there are a LOT of eyeballs on what she does/says (or, more to the point, what others are doing/saying) on her pages. The only computer in our home that has internet service is in the most open common room we have - visible from anywhere I might be when they are allowed online. She isn't texting 24/7, but she does have a few friends that she trades texts with on a fairly regular basis. 
Any and all privileges are subject to revocation, and she knows it. No system is 100% fool-proof, but it has worked for us so far.


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## ridingismylife2 (Nov 4, 2008)

I'm almost 17 now (4 weeks until my birthday  ) and have had my own computer and cellphone since I was 9-10 years old. The computer was mainly just for games, but I did have internet on it. I always told them where I was. As Tamma has already mentioned, almost everyone has a cellphone here. The only person I text with is my best friend and that is only because we are in different schools and I don't like calling people. I never answer unknown numbers and have never got weird text messages from random people. I don't know what I would do if I HAD to call my mom but didn't have a cellphone. My mom still knows what websites I visit (mainly here, some other forums, facebook and gmail.) 
I used to have a myspace but I really disliked it and will never use it again.
I am allowed to have the computer in my room and my mom trusts me. I don't party, drink, smoke, e.t.c. either. The internet and phone are both good for keeping in touch with people. For me it's my dad who lives in Thailand and my other best friend who lives in Turkey. I never tell where I live (except country) and I never share personal info, like cell number, etc.
I would hate it if my mom knew my passwords.


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## ClassicalRomantic (Jun 2, 2009)

I dont have any kids but I just wanted to comment about this. I'm 25 and dont plan on having children anytime soon! I am scared to death of all the things that they can get into and have no clue what they are doing! I don't want to be an overbearing parent at all because my parents never were and never dictated my life I was always free to make my own choices and i made the right choices. Things aren't like they were 10-15 years ago and i'm sure in another 10-15 years it will change yet again! Parenting is the hardest job out there and a job i'm not ready for yet!!!

The one thing that always pops in my mind is that TV show Dateline does "To Catch A Predator" that show freaks me out! if you have ever watched it you know what i'm talking about! SCARRY!


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## close2prfct (Mar 9, 2009)

themacpack said:


> My daughter is 13. She has a cell phone (provide and paid for by her father, but a huge benefit to me) and has accounts on both MySpace and Facebook as well as her own e-mail account. The catch, though, is that I reserve the right to review all call and text records at any time. I set up the MySpace/Facebook and e-mail accounts and, as such, have the passwords - which I use to review things at my discretion. The moment that password changes, all internet privileges are gone. On both pages, myself, my husband, her father, my mom, all three of my sisters and other assorted family/friends are her "friends" -- meaning there are a LOT of eyeballs on what she does/says (or, more to the point, what others are doing/saying) on her pages. The only computer in our home that has internet service is in the most open common room we have - visible from anywhere I might be when they are allowed online. She isn't texting 24/7, but she does have a few friends that she trades texts with on a fairly regular basis.
> Any and all privileges are subject to revocation, and she knows it. No system is 100% fool-proof, but it has worked for us so far.


The same goes for my daughter who will be 16 Monday, her friends on her myspace consist of me, her dad, her step-mom and my best friend. All of the others are her current/former classmates that she has known for years and I know their parents.
I did get her a computer for Christmas last year, but as you said privileges are subject to being revoked should any passwords be changed or I see anything questionable. 
My youngest rarely ever asks for the computer if she does( she's 11) its to go on Disney or Nickelodeon websites or play games from CD. 

Neither have cell phones now although they have had but as a result of no fault of theirs they don't have one now. Since they are either at school or at home they don't really need one, I don't let them wander around town etc. like I see a lot of kids their ages doing.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

I'd like to add to what I've already said that our parenting changes and shifts a little as the child grows and displays good judgement in decision making. The rules I enforced (sounds like a warden, lol) in my children's earlier years, where relaxed to a degree as they matured. Did I know where they were and who they were with and if there were parents there for supervision, you betcha! But they were not interrogated when they came home, though they both always enjoyed chatting with me (while I baked or ironed, it was easier for them so the entire focus wasn't on them, a little something I learnt from my Mom) about what they did ect...

Each stage of maturity brought more responsibility to them and trust they earned from me. They were aware of this because I had explained it when they were young. Did they make some not so great decisions, of course. They also had to suffer the repercussions of that decision. That's how I as a parent helped them get ready for adulthood, college and independence. My goal was to raise self sufficient , independent, dependable and responsible adults. It starts from day one in very micro mini steps.

I remember a particular lack of judgement on my sons part, I think he was 13/14, and afterward he knew that our trust was very badly bruised. The fact that he disappointed me was worse for him than the actual punishment. 

Along those lines he still remembers my saying before he'd leave to go to a function with friends, "Remember, you represent our family, our values and what we stand for." He would hear my voice when at a cross road, and _sometimes _(I am a realist) it would help him make a better decision. Even if he made a poor decision, he would say later, hearing my voice in his head took the fun out of it. :-lol:

I agree that when raising children you are not their friend, you are their parent. However, I had such fun with my children, though boundaries were always observed. Today, as adults, we are friends. They also look to their father and myself for advise ect... and that pleases me so. I try to always remember that there are certain subjects that I do not touch on, out of respect for them. Example, anything sexual, where my girlfriends and I can get quite over the top joking around, my children would be very uncomfortable, I am their mother after all. 

At the end of the day, it is on you shoulders whether or not you did the right thing by your children and for your children. So if you're going to lean a little more one way than another, chose the lean in the direction of safety. I've never heard a parent regret keeping their child safe. Have heard many wish they could step back and put the restrictions in place ect... I guess it comes down to "what are you willing to live with?" 

Sorry I went on so long. I am just passionate about being a parent, and now a grandparent! Oh, the fun that lays ahead! :wink:


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)

Heybird, I think all kids should still say "yes ma'am/sir"! I also hate when my girls' friends call me by my first name. I was never allowed to address an adult by their first name, it was always Mr. or Mrs. 



> On the other hand, I believe parents know their children best and therefore are the best people to rule how their children use things like these ones.





> but i do respect wat all the mothers on here are saying


Thank you TaMMa89 and savvylover112, those were very mature statements.

Themacpac and close2prfct, I like your "if the password changes" policy. I'm sure I'll loosen my grip slightly when she's 13. My 13 yo neice has a Facebook account and my brother is worse than I am!

ClassicalRomantic, I saw that dateline show and made all my girls watch it too!

Well said, Walkamile! I'm a very passionate parent too. After all, that's my current job!


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## ClassicalRomantic (Jun 2, 2009)

3neighs- Scarry stuff thats for sure! i was totally shocked! they have quite a few stories that they have done on that and they always end up catching like 30-40 men. Can you imagine that? Dr's, Lawyers, Military, you name it they were about to commit an act so indecent and that just makes me sick! The internet can be very dangerous thats for sure!


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## QHChik (Jun 26, 2009)

I am always so amazed at parents that think they should be their children's "friends"... They are parents for a reason, when your child turns 20 or whatever, then you can be friends, but until parents need to establish rules and boundaries. That is how they learn. My parents were probably strict. My brother and I had curfews and responsibilities, but now I am so glad because I know how to function as an adult. I'm not a 25 y/o that has to still be baby sat...

When I have children, I plan to try to raise them just like my parents raised me. I mean, I think I turned out ok


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## ClassicalRomantic (Jun 2, 2009)

My mom was my friend and my parent at the same time! I never really did anything bad that i needed punished! i never was grounded a day in my life! i think i turned out more responsible and grew up faster than my friends who had strict parents..they ended up rebelling finally when the time came and ended up doing more bad than good to their lives! 

I met my now husbadn when i was 15 and he was 19. My parents let me date him. I didn't have a curfew I stayed out as late as i wanted. I wasn't a normal teen i guess! i always felt older than my age and made good judgements. I had parties at my house when I was Sr. in highschool! my parents were there they knew we were drinking but they also knew everyone was staying put! I will NEVER think of my parents as bad parents or not caring because they are the most caring people ever! I was never a big drinker and still not! when I was in high school i was very active in sports so that was my first priority so i didnt want to do anything to screw that up. I'm very grateful for my parents and them believing in me enough to make good judegements! I never wanted to disappoint them and that hurt more than anything so I always made sure to make the right choices so i woudlnt disappoint them! I'm now married to my wonderful husband (sometimes hehe) that i dated when i was 15 because they trusted me to make the right choices. We have been together for almost 10 years and no kiddies..so i guess i made good choices  Thanks mom and dad


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## TaMMa89 (Apr 12, 2008)

I've also thought if there are cultural influences behind all that too. I can't say because I don't know American culture/society enough but what I've understood is that your community is a waaaay larger & varying than us = often more dangers included.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

ClassicalRomantic said:


> My mom was my friend and my parent at the same time! I never really did anything bad that i needed punished! i never was grounded a day in my life! i think i turned out more responsible and grew up faster than my friends who had strict parents..they ended up rebelling finally when the time came and ended up doing more bad than good to their lives!
> 
> I met my now husbadn when i was 15 and he was 19. My parents let me date him. I didn't have a curfew I stayed out as late as i wanted. I wasn't a normal teen i guess! i always felt older than my age and made good judgements. I had parties at my house when I was Sr. in highschool! my parents were there they knew we were drinking but they also knew everyone was staying put! I will NEVER think of my parents as bad parents or not caring because they are the most caring people ever! I was never a big drinker and still not! when I was in high school i was very active in sports so that was my first priority so i didnt want to do anything to screw that up. I'm very grateful for my parents and them believing in me enough to make good judegements!* I never wanted to disappoint them and that hurt more than anything so I always made sure to make the right choices so i woudlnt disappoint them!* I'm now married to my wonderful husband (sometimes hehe) that i dated when i was 15 because they trusted me to make the right choices. We have been together for almost 10 years and no kiddies..so i guess i made good choices  Thanks mom and dad


I felt the same towards my parents, so I needed very few rules. My daughter was the same also. We never had to give her a curfew, she came home way before the curfew would have been! :wink:


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## HorsesHorses08 (Jul 7, 2009)

i am 13 and i get quite peeved at my mum because she looks at my stuff but she does not trust kids for a reason i am not aware of and i am not allowed to have a myspace because of all of the freeks out there, but kids that aare not trusted shouldnot be allowed on sites or computers period.. my brother is 17 going on 18 is not allowed to have a myspace either but he does but i do not ra him out because i know he would never do anything stupid


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## ClassicalRomantic (Jun 2, 2009)

Walkamile- exactly  I wasnt out every night partying or anything! but i am very grateful for the relationship ihad with my parents then and now and wouldnt change a thing! well maybe my smart mouth i had in my tween years i wish i wasn't like that but i think thats all teens really lol


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## TaMMa89 (Apr 12, 2008)

Walkamile said:


> I'd like to add to what I've already said that our parenting changes and shifts a little as the child grows and displays good judgement in decision making. The rules I enforced (sounds like a warden, lol) in my children's earlier years, where relaxed to a degree as they matured. Did I know where they were and who they were with and if there were parents there for supervision, you betcha! But they were not interrogated when they came home, though they both always enjoyed chatting with me (while I baked or ironed, it was easier for them so the entire focus wasn't on them, a little something I learnt from my Mom) about what they did ect...
> 
> Each stage of maturity brought more responsibility to them and trust they earned from me. They were aware of this because I had explained it when they were young. Did they make some not so great decisions, of course. They also had to suffer the repercussions of that decision. That's how I as a parent helped them get ready for adulthood, college and independence. My goal was to raise self sufficient , independent, dependable and responsible adults. It starts from day one in very micro mini steps.
> 
> ...


That was very wisely said, Walka. Sounds like your children have had (or have) very wise leaders towards life. I hope I can find that wisdom too if (and hopefully when) I some day become a mother.

Personally I think parent's first job is to be a parent. Of course it's all greater if he can keep in touch with his children mentally so that the child feels he can tell about his issues to his parent like he'd tell about them to his friends. I'm still a bit worried about the way it has turned at least over here. Too many parents seems to think it's their job to be more friends than supportive parents.


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## Kentucky (Aug 2, 2008)

QHChik said:


> I am always so amazed at parents that think they should be their children's "friends"... They are parents for a reason, when your child turns 20 or whatever, then you can be friends, but until parents need to establish rules and boundaries. That is how they learn. My parents were probably strict. My brother and I had curfews and responsibilities, but now I am so glad because I know how to function as an adult. I'm not a 25 y/o that has to still be baby sat...
> 
> When I have children, I plan to try to raise them just like my parents raised me. I mean, I think I turned out ok


I used to brag that i didn't have a set curfew and I didn't. But I had to work on the farm. If I stayed out all night I would have been worked the next morning, a nice hangover cure. That didn't happen I stayed home most of the time. And I didn't have a cell phone or a computer. But most ofthe time I think I turned out ok.


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## Jillyann (Mar 31, 2009)

I am 18, have a job, getting a house with my boyfriend, ect. When I was born to now I never had a set time to be home, never had a bed time, just had to tell my mom where I was, and check in with her about every hour. And I did. I was never 'monitored'... I got to watch what I wanted on TV, or do what I wanted on the computer ( The only restriction was, I couldnt talk to the people on IM or AOL or whatever in the chat rooms. ) And when I did drink, or party, my consiquence _was _(because I grew out of the party scene.) I had to get up the next day and go to work still drunk or with a hangover, and REALLY tired! I got a job when I turned 16, got enough money, and now I am just doing my own thing pretty much. I pay for my own everything, and my cell phone. I still live with my mother and step dad for now.

My point is, my parents ALMOST let me do whatever I wanted, and I turned out just fine, I think.


And, personally, I think parents who 'shelter' there kids, and dont let them do anything, like drink, hang out and stay out late with there friends ect. when the kids get old enough to see what the world is REALLY all about when they are say..17, 18, they get into drugs or alcohol, because they were never exposed to it. I think parents should let there kids live and learn from there own mistakes.. I have seen this happen to some of my friends. There parents not letting them do anything, like going to parties ect, and then once the 'leash' off there parents broke, they got into drugs and alcohol, ect heavily. :-(


Just my opinion though..


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## Kentucky (Aug 2, 2008)

Jillyann, 
I see your point but I think if parents give their kids a morla compass and taught ththem how to act and what they were suposse to do workes better than total sheltered or letting them run around like idiots


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## Jillyann (Mar 31, 2009)

Kentucky said:


> Jillyann,
> I see your point but I think if parents give their kids a morla compass and taught ththem how to act and what they were suposse to do workes better than total sheltered or letting them run around like idiots



I completely agree with you. I just hate seeing kids cooped up at home, because there parents dont want them getting into trouble, or getting exposed to drugs, ect. When in reality, I have never once seen that 'method' work.


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## Dumas'_Grrrl (Apr 2, 2008)

Jen- My girls are 14 and 12 soon to be 15 & 13. 

My oldest is allowed a myspace page and a facebook page. She is allowed to go on there with permission. I have access & passwords and both of her accounts are "private" friends only accounts.

I sit with her about once or twice a week and we go over everything on her accounts, I check her e-mail with her and supervise what she's getting and what she's opening. 

She knows that the computer is a privilege and respects that. She knows full well if she tries any monkey business that I'll ban her butt so fast it will make her head spin.

I think there is a need for balance (almost typed bananas :lol

My younger daughter can't set up an account until she's 14 and will have to abide by the same rules (or newly made up ones discovered from the mistakes I made with the 1st kid).

Neither of my kids have cell phones. They take mine when they need one for school functions.


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## Spastic_Dove (Oct 4, 2007)

Personally, I think there is a lack of parenting in general today. It seems there is only two extremes and rarely is there a middle ground between over-protective and not protective enough.


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## Jillyann (Mar 31, 2009)

That is so true!!!


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## ridingismylife2 (Nov 4, 2008)

Jillyann said:


> When I was born to now I never had a set time to be home, never had a bed time, just had to tell my mom where I was, and check in with her about every hour. And I did. I was never 'monitored'... I got to watch what I wanted on TV, or do what I wanted on the computer ( The only restriction was, I couldnt talk to the people on IM or AOL or whatever in the chat rooms. ) And when I did drink, or party, my consiquence _was _(because I grew out of the party scene.) I had to get up the next day and go to work still drunk or with a hangover, and REALLY tired! I got a job when I turned 16, got enough money, and now I am just doing my own thing pretty much. I pay for my own everything, and my cell phone. I still live with my mother and step dad for now.
> 
> My point is, my parents ALMOST let me do whatever I wanted, and I turned out just fine, I think.
> 
> ...


I agree... I've seen it happen too. Some of my ex friends had/have strict parents and now all they do is party, drink and smoke. (Big reason why they are ex friends. I'm just not into partying and drinking.)
I don't have a curfew, time to go to bed, limited access on the computer and my mom doesn't know my account passwords.
And I also think I have turned out fine.


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## Jillyann (Mar 31, 2009)

ridingismylife2 said:


> I agree... I've seen it happen too. Some of my ex friends had/have strict parents and now all they do is party, drink and smoke. (Big reason why they are ex friends. I'm just not into partying and drinking.)
> I don't have a curfew, time to go to bed, limited access on the computer and my mom doesn't know my account passwords.
> And I also think I have turned out fine.



Yeahh, They are all EX friends of mine as well. I am glad someone else sees it though!


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## RusticWildFire (Jul 6, 2008)

ridingismylife2 said:


> Some of my ex friends had/have strict parents and now all they do is party, drink and smoke.



I have seen this also in 2 of my friends. When they got out they went completely wild.

While I think that being sheltered from it for so long may be part of the issue, I don't think it's all of it. 

I think it is necessary to instill in them the correct values and knowledge to make wise decisions and trust in them to make the correct decisions. If they don't feel that you trust them they may truly believe they can't make the right decision. 

It all comes down to how you raise them, though. And on top of that, only you know your own child and what will work best for them. Everyone is different. If you feel that you need to be very strict with them, chances are you do so you should. If you feel they have a very good head on their shoulders and are ready to make tough decisions like that, then let them. Like I said, only you know your own child and what is best for them. None of this means that you shouldn't continue to monitor them while they are still under your care, though. Even the most well behaved kids can mess up.


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## Heybird (Jan 7, 2009)

RusticWildFire said:


> I have seen this also in 2 of my friends. When they got out they went completely wild.
> 
> While I think that being sheltered from it for so long may be part of the issue, I don't think it's all of it.
> 
> ...


Well said. I definitely agree on all points. Every child is deferent, for example our daughter I just know she is a wild child. I am going to have to talk with her much more then our son. How do you know this you say? Because at the age of 5 she jumped on a large trampoline onto a tree near by and climbed up .... thats my girl LOL. Where as our son literally will put himself in timeout if he so much as thinks he may be in trouble. :wink: And constantly weighs the outcome of every choice his sister makes. He told her not to jump on that tree and for the life of him could not figure out why she still did it. :lol:


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## Jillyann (Mar 31, 2009)

RusticWildFire said:


> I have seen this also in 2 of my friends. When they got out they went completely wild.
> 
> While I think that being sheltered from it for so long may be part of the issue, I don't think it's all of it.
> 
> ...



I agree.


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## TaMMa89 (Apr 12, 2008)

Kentucky said:


> Jillyann,
> I see your point but I think if parents give their kids a morla compass and taught ththem how to act and what they were suposse to do workes better than total sheltered or letting them run around like idiots


Really agree with that. Extremity is never good.


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## RusticWildFire (Jul 6, 2008)

Heybird said:


> Well said. I definitely agree on all points. Every child is deferent, for example our daughter I just know she is a wild child. I am going to have to talk with her much more then our son. How do you know this you say? Because at the age of 5 she jumped on a large trampoline onto a tree near by and climbed up .... thats my girl LOL. Where as our son literally will put himself in timeout if he so much as thinks he may be in trouble. :wink: And constantly weighs the outcome of every choice his sister makes. He told her not to jump on that tree and for the life of him could not figure out why she still did it. :lol:




That is absolutely adorable!


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)

AMY!!! Long time, no see! What you said about the computer being a privilege is key. I see kids who think computers, Ipods, cell phones, etc. are _owed_ to them. My husband and I are of differing opinions regarding cell phones. He thinks our oldest should have one, I really don't see it being necessary yet, but I know we'll eventually come to some middle ground.

Rustic, I love what you said! Everyone is an individual and needs guidance that's tailored to them. Like Spastic Dove said, there seems to be little middle ground between one extreme and the other.



> I am going to have to talk with her much more then our son.


Heybird, you made me think of something else to pick everyone's brains on. I had an older brother growing up and I saw at times he was given a lot more freedom than I was. It could be like what Dumas said in that they saw the mistakes they made with him and adjusted accordingly with me, but I still wonder. Being that I only have girls do those of you who have both boys and girls find that some of your rules are based on gender rather than the individual? Same with you teens who have siblings of the opposite sex. Do you see a difference in the way your parents handle situations between you and them?


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## Tennessee (Dec 7, 2008)

My parents have been very biased when it comes to discipline. My brothers got away with much more than I ever could, and I think it is because they are afraid I will go out, mess up, and get pregnant or something, which TOTALLY won't happen.

I have a Facebook, and if my mom went through my stuff, and saw some of the messages that my friends sent to me when they needed my advice, she would freak. I think parents push it sometimes with the whole supervision thing. There are just some things you don't need to know. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I have a cell phone, and I have been to college aged parties(with my brother...go figure), but my grandfather is a highly respected preacher, and my mom is a teacher, so I have a rep to uphold, and my parents told me that as long as I am doing good in school I can stay out as late as I want(even though our town has a curfew for teens).


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## drafteventer (Jul 6, 2009)

My mom does monitor what I do. Our computer's in the living room so it's pretty easy. I don't care that she's monitoring me, because I don't have any reason to care lol. Myspace/facebook is boring, but I do have texting on my phone but I only talk to friends she's met. I can't go to friends houses that she hasn't met and all that kind of stuff.


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## 1dog3cats17rodents (Dec 7, 2007)

3neighs-My sister was the wirst of any of us. Sh had a LOT of issues, sex, drugs, alcohol, ADHD, eating disorders, really bad depesion, possible bipolar disorder, suicide attempts, etc My parents had a hard time with her

My brother was a normal teenage boy. Stupid. He tried some pot, drank at parties, but nothing serious. he had a lax curfew, like 2 at night weekends, 12 on school nights

Me (female)- no curfew, no monitoring of internet, nothing. But, that's because I'm an A student who hates getting in trouble. I don't date, never really go anywhere but the barn, have good friends, and don't party. I NEVER plan on doing drugs, smoking, and doubt I will ever drink alchol (my mom doesn't). I also choose to have no cell phone (getting one soon?) So my mom knows she doesn't need to be strict with me


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## wild_spot (Jan 30, 2008)

It's also not always about wether you are strict/lax as to how your kids turn out. I think I’m the exact opposite of the end result of a stereotypically strict household! 

My parents were pretty strict. My mum scared the cr*p out of me. Still does to an extent, and I’m 19 now. There are things I wish she had done differently. I realise parents aren’t supposed to be your friends, but they also shouldn’t control through fear, which to a small extent, she did. I was terrified of her being angry. Rules wise; I was a bit of a loner when young so didn’t really have issues with going to friends places. I was never allowed to parties or anything of the kind. She wasn’t going to let me go to my year 10 formal after-party… I was devastated about that and she ended up caving when she saw how upset I was. She gets mad over little things, like eating a chocolate in the fridge I didn’t know belonged to her. I think that she might feel resentful because I have such a close relationship with my dad… We share interests that my mum simply doesn’t; i.e. horses. I spend every weekend doing horsey stuff with my dad while my mum does her craft, and I think it really disappoints her that I didn’t end up having the same interests as her.

Anyway. I had a very strict upbringing, and my mum scared everyone, including my friends. But I am now 19, have a full time job, a boyfriend, I am steadily and quickly paying off my 16k car, have paid my own way on two overseas trips, rarely go out and party, and have never so much as touched a cigarette or drug in my life. I saw the girls who partied all the time, got mixed up with the wrong boys, got hooked on drugs. I was friends with some of them. I simply made the choice that I didn’t want to be like that. I feel that I would have ended up a very similar person had I been allowed a bit more freedom. I also feel I would have had a better relationship with my mum. 

But, my main point is… There’s another factor. What the child chooses to be, who they choose to look up to, who they choose as a mentor, what direction they want their life to take. You can’t always blame or praise parenting for the outcome; there is that variable of the child making their own decisions. I think the role of a parent is to steer a child as best they can, share with them their beliefs, their morals, their ideals. Teach them compassion, understanding, empathy, financial independence. Supply them with the tools to make a successful, happy and healthy life. What the child chooses to do with the tools given to them, well that is where the parents influence must end. There are children from broken, abusive, lax, loveless, unsuitable families who end up compassionate, successful people; vice versa there are children from happy, well-adjusted, supportive and loving families who end up as vindictive, mean-spirited or lost souls. 

I like to think that I have made good life decisions. Sure, I’ve had teenage times. Going to parties, getting drunk, doing foolish things. Every child does/will. However, I have regretted none of them, and none have done me harm. I made the choice to steer clear of things that would endanger my health and happiness, I said no to cigarettes even when surround by a bunch of boys trying to convince me to smoke, said no to drugs when they have been freely offered. I chose the life I am living, and I believe I would have done so even with a different upbringing.


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## Heybird (Jan 7, 2009)

RusticWildFire It's very hard to keep the strict mommy face on when your son is in his room explaining to you why he has placed himself in timeout. :wink:



3neighs said:


> Heybird, you made me think of something else to pick everyone's brains on. I had an older brother growing up and I saw at times he was given a lot more freedom than I was. It could be like what Dumas said in that they saw the mistakes they made with him and adjusted accordingly with me, but I still wonder. Being that I only have girls do those of you who have both boys and girls find that some of your rules are based on gender rather than the individual? Same with you teens who have siblings of the opposite sex. Do you see a difference in the way your parents handle situations between you and them?


I have an older brother and we were treated differently based on him being first born. I always told him he ruined everything for me LOL. But I think maybe I just didn't need the same help he did. Based on my parents actions I learned what I did not want to do to my children. My mum always says I was born old. And I think thats true, found my husband young, married young, had kids young . Don't get me wrong they taught me a lot of good values and manors, but my brother and I were raised very differently.

Both our children will work for what they want. If they can't help out then they won't be able to pay for there "wants" (not needs but wants). They both are treated equally based on gender, but differently based on there behavior. Our daughter is very wild, she is constantly pushing the limits and I LOVE that about her but b/c of that she may need some different guidance then our son. Of course she will always have her brother there explaining to her the pros and cons of such actions so I may not need to say much. :wink: They will have set rules based on age and I won't change those just b/c one is female and one is male.  On a lighter note our daughter will be starting Kinder. next week. So god help her teacher and I put daddy's number on the contact list first.... LOL!! :shock::lol:


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## RusticWildFire (Jul 6, 2008)

Heybird said:


> RusticWildFire It's very hard to keep the strict mommy face on when your son is in his room explaining to you why he has placed himself in timeout. :wink:


Aww! Oh my gosh. Can I borrow him for just a minute!? 




Heybird said:


> So god help her teacher and I put daddy's number on the contact list first.... LOL!! :shock::lol:


LOL!!! :lol::lol::lol: That made me laugh so hard.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

wild_spot said:


> It's also not always about wether you are strict/lax as to how your kids turn out. I think I’m the exact opposite of the end result of a stereotypically strict household!
> 
> My parents were pretty strict. My mum scared the cr*p out of me. Still does to an extent, and I’m 19 now. There are things I wish she had done differently. I realise parents aren’t supposed to be your friends, but they also shouldn’t control through fear, which to a small extent, she did. I was terrified of her being angry. Rules wise; I was a bit of a loner when young so didn’t really have issues with going to friends places. I was never allowed to parties or anything of the kind. She wasn’t going to let me go to my year 10 formal after-party… I was devastated about that and she ended up caving when she saw how upset I was. She gets mad over little things, like eating a chocolate in the fridge I didn’t know belonged to her. I think that she might feel resentful because I have such a close relationship with my dad… We share interests that my mum simply doesn’t; i.e. horses. I spend every weekend doing horsey stuff with my dad while my mum does her craft, and I think it really disappoints her that I didn’t end up having the same interests as her.
> 
> ...


Very well said and very true!


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## Heybird (Jan 7, 2009)

RusticWildFire said:


> Aww! Oh my gosh. Can I borrow him for just a minute!? LOL!!! :lol::lol::lol: That made me laugh so hard.


Yes Just make sure you have plenty of corners for him to place himself in LOL

This is from when they were younger but it pretty much explains why I will have tons of grey hairs.... would you like to borrow her as well :lol::shock:
When we drop her off at school the first day we are going to tell the teacher no takesies backsies and run. :wink:


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)

Heybird, you (and your kids) are cracking me up!

Wild_spot, excellent post!


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## wild_spot (Jan 30, 2008)

Thanks :]


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## RusticWildFire (Jul 6, 2008)

lol Heybird. You have me cracking up as well. Oh my goodness. I hope my kids are that fun when my day comes! :lol:


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## RadHenry09 (Mar 22, 2009)

I think that as my child gets older and I can start seeing her take on more , then my view may change. She is just so young( just turned 10) and it scares the crap outta me when I hear about all the predators out there (online or otherwise) When I can see her in more situations and accepting more responsibility for her actions then I think I can trust her more.
Raising children is so much like training horses...in the respect that Trust that they will respond but be ready to correct if needed.
She is starting to take on more at the barn , (chore wise) and also I am allowing her to do more with her horse. She Grooms, learning to pick out his feet , tack up etc... she needs these skills especially since she is working on her horsemanship skills for her 4H
Last week she trotted her horse the whole way around the ring : ) I was so proud.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

That's great RadHenry! You touched on something that I feel is key with raising children. Self esteem. So very important to help them develop healthy self esteem (not talking about prima dona egos here). When your child is comfortable with themselves, not so easily lead down paths they really don't want to go.


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## QtrHorse (Oct 13, 2008)

We make it a point to be very upfront and honest about the dangers of the internet with our children. We have established guidelines and they are good about following the rules. The computers are in our "multi-media center" which is in the center of our house. There is no privacy in open room. We have installed child protections to the max. We use a family password system so that each person has their own email and Facebook but it has a common component so we know how to access their accounts. I check history daily. Only family and friends are allowed on their Facebooks and I monitor what they are posting. They have cell phones and we can log on to the account and check calls and read sent/received texts. 
Social networking has changed dramatically over the past ten years and it is a parents responsibility to keep up on how and to whom their kids are communicating with. Our children know we check and we have never had an issue come up that has needed to be addressed yet. I think they are reassured to know we care to keep it a safe environment for them. Perhaps many parents are electronically illiterate and don't realize that the electronic trail their children leave is simply very easy to keep track of.


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## Heybird (Jan 7, 2009)

RusticWildFire said:


> lol Heybird. You have me cracking up as well. Oh my goodness. I hope my kids are that fun when my day comes! :lol:


 I always made sure within appropriate situations they felt they could express themselves. Our son is the quiet one he goes with the flow, but our daughter definitely has her opinions. Now if I could just get him to have some and her to have a little less that would be great LOL. Although even at this age they work for there allowance I make sure they still have kid time and I think that helps a lot. It's fun to sit back and notice there little quarks. Our daughter will turn anything you say into something you didn't knowing exactly what she is doing. This AM Dad said "ok I'm off duty" so as soon as we head out to the barn she loudly tells everyone we pass "My daddy is off of his duty".:shock::lol: Just can't get mad at that....:wink: And our son then proceeds to tell her why that is not appropriate, what daddy actually said and why he said it. LOL

& 3neighs

 I must say there is never a lack of entertainment in our household. This week our daughter has decided she will sing everything she says. :shock: *EVERYTHING*.

RadHenry09 agreed trust is something earned not given.


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)

> Social networking has changed dramatically over the past ten years and it is a parents responsibility to keep up on how and to whom their kids are communicating with. Our children know we check and we have never had an issue come up that has needed to be addressed yet. I think they are reassured to know we care to keep it a safe environment for them. Perhaps many parents are electronically illiterate and don't realize that the electronic trail their children leave is simply very easy to keep track of.


Excellent points!



> I must say there is never a lack of entertainment in our household. This week our daughter has decided she will sing everything she says.


Oh yeah, her teachers are going to love her! LOL!


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## Beloved Killer (May 23, 2009)

Parents should always have that small part of control until about 14 or 15. Teenagers need their space then, even if it's not the best for them.

From my personal experience, you learn from your huge mistakes as a teenager.


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## Beloved Killer (May 23, 2009)

On another note, it will be interesting to see how kids are brought up in ten or fifteen years from now with the amount of technology available then.


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## Spastic_Dove (Oct 4, 2007)

Beloved Killer said:


> Parents should always have that small part of control until about 14 or 15. Teenagers need their space then, even if it's not the best for them.
> 
> From my personal experience, you learn from your huge mistakes as a teenager.


This is true in a regard. At this age, teens are going to be trying to figure themselves out and really shaping their own identity...but that is all the more reason for parents to be involved. As far as being able to read your childs emails/texts I think that is dependent on the child. For some families that would be an issue, for others it is unnecessary. No 14 or 15 year old child has the capacity to make fully informed decisions, and some sort of mentor/safety net needs to be there. It is a fine balance between smothering a teen and sending them off on their own. Yes you must learn from your mistakes, but "Huge mistakes" can be easily avoided by the parenting that went one up to the teenage years.


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)

Yeah, as I stated in another post, I'm sure I'll loosen my grip somewhat on the computer issues when they actually reach "teendom" (right now they're 11, 7 and 6), but even as teens they are still kids and still need to have some decisions made for them. I don't know, I'll guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm not afraid to say, however, that I'm a little scared about someday living in a house with three teenage girls! 8o


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## Dumas'_Grrrl (Apr 2, 2008)

Be VERY afraid.... I only have 2....... :lol:


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## 3neighs (Jul 15, 2008)




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## Misfit (Jun 29, 2009)

Honestly, I think it's just as bad to over parent than it is to underparent.

I'm 17 (turning 18 in less than a month), and I have had very relaxed parenting. But, I never needed strong parenting. I have straight-A's, I'm super involved in volunteer work, I don't do drugs, and I don't drink (I've tried alcohol with parental supervision but hated the taste).

I think trust needs to be earned, but I also think you need to give trust to get trust.

For a while my mom was dating a guy who had a very different parenting philosophy than she did. He parented a LOT (frequently in the form of yelling, grounding, TONS of rules), and was very strict. Problem was I didn't respond to that. He'd yell at me, I'd get upset and yell back. I was never a bad kid, but I think in my entire life, I was the worst behaved when he was around. It's kind of like with a horse, if you hold the reins too tight they get tense and take off. 
He's not in the picture any more, but I'm pretty sure if he still was I would have turned out a lot differently than I did. I rebelled a lot when he was around. 

I just graduated high school this year, so I'm pretty in the loop re: what kids get up to. The most interesting thing IMO, is that the kids who are into real trouble, they aren't always the ones with negligent parents. 

I know one girl who had so much parental pressure when she was younger, she just said "F-it" one day and stopped trying. No matter what she did, her parents weren't happy, so she just rebelled. She now does hard drugs (during school hours), and is into all sorts of messed up stuff.

There's also another girl I know who had micro-managing parents. She couldn't do anything without getting the full on Spanish-Inquisition. The minute she got to university, it was "WOOHOO PARTY!" because she didn't have her parents breathing down her neck constantly. 

You can't police everything your kids are doing. You can try, but you will fail. Trying to act like Big Brother isn't going to make your kid better behaved, it's going to make your kid better at hiding things from you.

I would never give my mom the password to my e-mail account or facebook page. In my opinion, that is a breach of trust. I have never done anything to make my mom doubt my honesty or judgement, and for her to interfere like that would definitely cause fireworks on my end. I think for kids to grow up into healthy adults, they need to have parents who will let them live their own lives. You can't micromanage everything your children do and then expect them one day to be able to make their own decisions.

Of course, if you have legitimate cause for concern (history of lieing etc...), go right ahead. But for your average, well behaved kid? No way.


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## IheartPheobe (Feb 15, 2009)

I have a few different sites I go on, but I don't really go on many forums. All of the ones I go on have really good moderators and are pretty safe & I don't give out any important info, other than my name, state and sometimes age. I have my own laptop and my parent's don't monitor it. I just wouldn't want my parents looking @ my private stuff. but I do think it's good that you're looking after your girls


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## Misfit (Jun 29, 2009)

Hit Send to early.

Forgot my main point.

You can't micromanage your kids. The best you can hope for is to prepare them in the best way you know how and send them on their way to live their own life.

I grew up with excellent role models. 

My mom is the best person I know, and one of my best friends. Whoever says you can't be friends with your parents is full of it. We're buddies, partners in crime, you name it. We've had so many adventures, everything from getting bored and dying my hair purple to getting lost looking for fast food joints at 11:30 at night. 

I love her because she lets me have my life. Her point of view is that it's my life, I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. So, I'm very independent.

Last year I decided I wanted to go to Europe for a month to study abroad. I got all the info on the program together, talked to my mom, talked to my dad (re: financing it), got their permission and did it myself. I did all the leg work, I knew much more about what I was getting into than she did. Same with when I wanted to change barns to go pb somewhere else. I did all the legwork and all the decision making. 
Now that I'm going to University in the fall (16 days, SO EXCITED!), I manage everything. Finances, residence, meal plan etc... pretty much I tell her when I need to be driven where, how much money we owe etc..., but she trusts my judgment to be the executive decision maker. 

However, I trust her opinion too. The other day, I decided I wanted to apply for a credit cared when I turn 18. I'm probably not going to use it, but it's good for emergencies, plus, I want to start building up a positive credit rating early. I went online, researched all the student credit cards I was eligible for, made my decision. Then, I went to go talk to my mom. I showed her everything I had, and we looked it over. Eventually, she agreed with me that I made the right decision. The next day, I took everything down to the bank and I put in the paperwork for the application that will be processed on my birthday. 

Point is, my mom doesn't have to keep tabs on me because a. I have good judgment/I'm competent on my own, b. I come to her because she's a 'safe' person who gives good advice. 

It's the same thing with the other people in my family. My older sister, my nana, my aunts, my friends, my mom's bf... all are great positive influences on my life. I have a support network I can use whenever I need it. 

My mom has taught me how to do stuff on my own, so she doesn't have to worry about micromanaging me.


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## RadHenry09 (Mar 22, 2009)

Misfit, That is wonderful that you have such a strong family network, and to have so many positive influences in your life : )


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## West (Aug 18, 2009)

I must say not having children myself it boils me to the core that my sister allows my niece to have a cell phone, computer in her room, lock her bedroom door and I could go on. I am on face book and follow her face book and myspace all the time. She doesn't even know who I am. She has given out info that is just not safe to have on there.
I am at my wits end with this girl and my sister at times. My sister is a good mother but she just has no control over her. I think you are smart to keep track of them. They will thank you some day. Kids do not realize the danger they are putting their selves in. I have changed my nieces profile and even some of her words in her messages. I tell her too. She doesn't react to me because I would crack her mouth. 

*You just keep doing what your doing*. Your kids will be safer. It is not about being good it is about being safe. As for cell phones, when did kids get so important that they need to have one. I am almost 40 and don't have one. I have an old phone I leave in my car for emergency only.
I remember the saying kids should be seen and not heard, when it comes to parents these days. I think it just keeps them out of their hair so they don't care.


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## Misfit (Jun 29, 2009)

RadHenry09 said:


> Misfit, That is wonderful that you have such a strong family network, and to have so many positive influences in your life : )


I am very lucky. I really think it's part of the reason I've grown up so well. I always sat at the adult table at dinner and was allowed to take part in the adult conversations etc...

I just don't understand people who treat their teenagers like children (monitoring phone calls, facebook etc...) and then expect them to behave like adults. It goes both ways. If you want me to be mature, then treat me like I am mature. 

There's a difference between parental guidance and parental control. 

I have one friend who found out her mom was reading her diary. I seriously don't think their relationship is ever going to fully recover from that one.

As for cell phones, I don't get what the big deal is. They're a phone.... that you use on the go.... I see no problem.

For example, you're meeting friends at the movies. You can't find them, so you text them "where are you!?" You find out they're running late, so you buy them their tickets.


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## .Delete. (Jan 7, 2008)

I am 18.
I wasn't allowed to wear makeup untill i was 13. _I started in the 2nd grade_
I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced untill i was 14. _I got my friends mom to do them i was was 8_
I wasn't allowed to have a bf untill i was 16. _I my first "bf" was in 2nd grade_
I was forced to wear jeans. _I would sneak sweatpants or shorts in my bookbag and change at school_
Low cut shirts were unacceptable. _Again, i changed into the clothes i wanted at school_
I "had" to go to class. _I skipped studyhall, math, science, gym, and just hungout in the bathroom. _
No boys allowed in the house. _While my parents were at work id sneek the cute boy from down the street in my house._
Don't be out later then 9. _Id get home at 9 then sneek out my window and then come back around 3 in the morning, never got caught._

Thats about how rebelious i was. I didn't get a cellphone till about 3 or 4 years ago. I will not give my kid a cellphone untill i feel they /need/ one. Im glad my parents withheld a phone from me. Im glad my parents gave me alot of rules that they did. I don't drink, i don't smoke, never have never will. Never touched drugs. But i must add that if it was not for horses i would not be alive right now. I turned out alright but it was a bumpy road getting here. Horses really turned me in the right direction before i strayed away. Really, i think kids these days need a hobby more then anything. But thats just me.


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## wild_spot (Jan 30, 2008)

^ I definately agree on pets, not just horses, being invaluable for teaching kids responsibility and empathy.


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## ridingismylife2 (Nov 4, 2008)

Misfit said:


> I am very lucky. I really think it's part of the reason I've grown up so well. I always sat at the adult table at dinner and was allowed to take part in the adult conversations etc...
> 
> I just don't understand people who treat their teenagers like children (monitoring phone calls, facebook etc...) and then expect them to behave like adults. It goes both ways. If you want me to be mature, then treat me like I am mature.
> 
> ...



Great posts Misfit! I agree 100%!


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## welshpony15 (May 20, 2009)

We always only had one computer for the whole family when I was younger (I'm 19 in a month), so my parents never directly monitored what we kids did, but they certainly had the power to check the internet history (which they did occasionally). 

Misfit: I like what you wrote, and I'm with you on that- I was an A grader, non rebelious type, which meant my parents trust me to do alot of things. Heck, I have open access to their life savings! I have to agree that while it annoys the living daylights out of me how some kids sit there at the dinner table with their mobiles (or in little kids cases- Nintendos.. grrr) they do have their place in certain situations. I think 13 is a reasonable age to start giving teens their space, to an extent, if they can show that they are responsible and trustworthy. If they arent given their freedom as they reach adolescence, then they will eventually break free and demand it when they are older, (but not necessarily any more mature).

I think kids need boundaries, but they also need the chance to grow up  I've seen just as many problem kids come from sheltering homes as I have from neglectful homes.

Wild_Spot: I also loved your post. It hit the nail on the head.


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## Misfit (Jun 29, 2009)

^ Agree entirely.

13 is the age that kids are usually allowed to join websites without parental consent. It's a good age to start giving them their space.

Mom and I squabble occasionally over small things. We have a white board on our fridge so we can leave notes to each other. Sometimes I would write notes that simply said "Out. Be back later. Have cell." She would prefer more info, but she'd usually just call me and figure out where I was. She was never concerned because I was usually babysitting, or out for a walk/run.


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## whitetrashwarmblood (Aug 24, 2008)

The only thing I was interested about the internet at 11 years old was Horseland.com lol I had made a myspace account, but I was never interested in it until years later. My parents used to randomly check the history on the computer, but that was it. 

I wasn't allowed to have a cell phone until about a year ago. (I'm 18 now.) Which was VERY annoying. Considering that I worked a lot, and I was forced to ask others if I could use theirs all the time.

I'm glad that my parents trusted me enough with the computer. I would have been pretty upset about sharing passwords and stuff with them. My parents are not strict AT ALL though.


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## welshpony15 (May 20, 2009)

Omg.. I used to play horseland too! haha. I quit about 3 years ago, but before that I was an absolute addict... one of the many things I became obsessed with when growing up *rolls eyes*.


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## HorseOfCourse (Jul 20, 2009)

I'm 14 now and my mom is kind of strict with who I hang out with or where I go and do, but Im free with the internet [which is on here 96.5% of the time] and I'm half and half with my cell phone, my mom can see who I'm calling or texting, but not what I or they say. I think 12-13 is the right age to start giving the teen new privileges, but it's so annoying when parents freak out about little stuff. 

But I think animals are very important in any person's life. I used tp be so shy and didn't really want to do anything, but then I got into horses and now I'm very loud, and outgoing, and love to be outside in the pasture.


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## appylover31803 (Sep 18, 2007)

I am not a mother yet, but will be in a couple months. Thankfully we still have some time to really sort out the whole computer/cell phone/everything else situations.

I do not like the idea of young kids having a cell phone. Who could they possibly be talking to that would warrant the $$ each month? If they want to talk to their friend, they will have access to a land line. If they happen to go out with friends, I will either give them my cell phone or my husband's so they have a way to get in contact with us/and us with him/her. (thats what my mom did anytime I was going to the mall, or walking to a store)

The computer might be a bit harder since my husband and I own a computer store, but I liked the idea one member does (sorry I forgot who) who lets her daughter have a computer in her room, just no internet access.

I was monitored when I would be on the computer and at the time I hated it. It was an invasion of my privacy, but now that I will be a mom, I know why my mom did that. I've realized why my parents did a lot of the things they did, now that I'm older. (remember that kids )


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## Jillyann (Mar 31, 2009)

^^ I completely agree about the cell phone thing, appylover! My parents wouldnt let me have a cell phone until I, myself, could pay for it. As soon as I could get a job, at the age of 16, I did, and I bought me a phone. I still have it today, and still pay for it myself!! I think it was a good age to get a phone, personally, and good what my parents did too, about making me pay for it.


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## cheply (Jul 27, 2009)

Yeah I think that being over protective is a huge mistake
Trust your kids.
I left home at 16 because my parents were being way too over protective- aka the opposite effect they were hoping for.
Good lord, give your kids some breathing room, especially as they get into their teens! Please, I beg you.


I had so many rules, and even though I was a good kid before the rules, I turned into a bad one after they were put in place.

No matter what you do there comes a time when you can't oversee everything your kids do, no matter how hard you try their going to go behind your back.
I think its probably better to make them feel like they can be open with you and tell you what they're doing - whether that be something you like or not... rather than having all these rules in place that they aren't going to follow as soon as you turn around, and have them lie to you about what they're up to!

The only way to make them feel like they can trust you enough is to give them their privacy and let them come to you.
Monitoring their life and doing things like reading through diaries is not the way to establish a good relationship. 
And if your child does open up to you and tell you something you don't want to hear(whether it be that they cheated in school, or that they aren`t a virgin!), DON'T REACT NEGATIVELY. It only reinforces the feeling that they need to lie to you to keep from being in trouble for things that THEY`RE GONNA DO NO MATTER WHAT. Talk with them about it, work things out in a positive way. BE OPEN.

All you can do is your best in giving them the skills, values and morals they need and then watch them grow up and see what they do with what you've given them.
I'm not saying you shouldn't guide them. I am just saying - restricting them from the world is going to do more bad then good in the long run.

I'm sorry for the rant. My parents were control freaks, and though I know it is because they love me, I still can't forgive them for how miserable they made me when I lived with them.


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## ridingismylife2 (Nov 4, 2008)

^ I agree!! 
Great post!


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## AztecBaby (Mar 19, 2009)

Great post Cheply! Very true.


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## ChingazMyBoy (Apr 16, 2009)

I have Face Book, but so does my sister and both my parents. I got a mobile when I was 9/10 but it was only to be used in emergancy. Like when I was walking home with my older sister and she didn't have her phone on it. Now I use it for texting friends (rarely) and also when Im out with Chinga, I spend all day every day there unless Im at school. Although it isn't much use because most the time I can't find it or I don't have it on.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

You know, there is a difference between parenting and controlling. Parenting to me is guiding with the goal of raising independent , self-sufficient, capable adults. Yes, that involves at a point in the child's development of trust and faith. Allowing them some room to make decisions, and if it was a less then wonderful one, suffering the repercussions of that decision.

Controlling to me is not allowing the child to develop into anything other than what you have predetermined he/she will be. Micro managing every little step no matter how small. This does not prepare the child for anything life will throw at them, and when they hit college, look out! Have actually seen (sister-in-law) this type of "parenting" when her oldest son went to college. She and her husband were on the computer tracking when he was on and when his classes were to determine if he made it to class and how late he was up. :shock: He flunked out his first semester. The colleges call these types of parents, "helicopter" parents, because they constantly hover over the child.

And lastly, no matter how great your parenting skills are, the child must be willing to meet you halfway. Myself and my 3 siblings were raised the same, values ect...My youngest brother (deceased) battled addiction for many years starting at the ripe old age of 10. My mother has never stopped beating herself up for "failing" him in some way. Doesn't matter what the rest of us say to her, she feels she failed him. Each child is different and some will meet you halfway and some will take a mile when you give an inch. 

Parenting is not easy, but it is one of the most rewarding, frustrating, joyous and at times, yes thankless jobs out there. I am grateful to have experienced it and have 2 wonderful children. I am looking forward to watching our children raise the next generation and hope I am able to participate (even in a small way).:wink:


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## appylover31803 (Sep 18, 2007)

Walkamile, your last paragraph really touched me! 7-12 weeks (more along the lines of 10-12) I'll be a mommy and I can't wait!

I'm very interested to see how me and my husband are when we become parents and we are faced with some obstacles.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

appylover31803 said:


> Walkamile, your last paragraph really touched me! 7-12 weeks (more along the lines of 10-12) I'll be a mommy and I can't wait!
> 
> I'm very interested to see how me and my husband are when we become parents and we are faced with some obstacles.


I'm sure you will be just wonderful parents. Couple things to remember.

1. Always show a united front (disagree in private, never let them see division of troops) :lol:

2. There is nothing wrong with "tag team" parenting. When you have reached the end of your rope, tag your mate and take a time out. Better than losing your cool. If it doesn't involve broken bones or blood, it can wait a few minutes to be dealt with.

3. Remember to keep you sense of humor about you. Even if you have to wait till you're in bed, laugh at the antics that earlier you were ready to pull your hair out over. 

4. Believe it or not, these are the best years of your life. Repeat as often as necessary to convince yourself! :lol:


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## tempest (Jan 26, 2009)

And honestly if I even had the guts to tell my parents to f*** off, like half the kids in my school tell they're parents daily, my head would be rolling on the floor before I even got the first word out of my mouth. And NO my parents aren't abusive, that's just goes to show how well they disciplined me.


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