# Watched My Daughter Get Thrown



## Luce73 (Dec 7, 2012)

Just give her time. She got back on, rode out the lesson, so that probably helped a lot with avoiding true 'fear'. However, its totally natural that she's gonna be apprehensive about riding that particular pony! Ask her trainer if she can ride a different pony for now, maybe a quieter one, as a confidence booster. Just for a couple of lessons, then she can go back to Antone. They way you describe her personality she might even ask to be put back on Antone in the future, to prove to herself that she can still ride him! Just let her handle it, encourage her, but dont push her. You say she wants to go ride on saturday, so go ride! And dont overthink it  She'll be fine 

Editing to add: Ask your daughter what she wants to do before you ask her trainer for a different pony! Just talk to her, ask her how she feels about riding on saturday, if she's ok with riding Antone or if she maybe wants to try a different horse for a few lessons. Then talk to the trainer together. Involve her in the decision making!


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Getting back on once you've fallen is an important skill to have, not just in riding but in life 
That said, it's understandable that she's shaken. Encourage her to have an open dialog about her feelings, and furthermore encourage her to get back on Antone.

Is a lunge-lesson possible? That could be a way to safely build her confidence back up and show her (starting in a more controlled environment) that not every experience with this pony will be a negative one


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Thank you for your feedback Luce73! 

You may very well be correct in that her personality might drive her to prove that she can handle Antone.  She has said that she's not scared of him, she's mad at him -- and her trainer supported that and said that she was mad at him too. But I agree, I think that it's a good sign that she's still willing to go to the barn, groom the horses and help out and wants to continue lessons with Rio (a little Arabian at the stable -- bigger than Antone, but much smaller than the American Saddlebreds I ride) 

I'll work harder on supporting and encouraging her without pushing.


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Zexious said:


> Getting back on once you've fallen is an important skill to have, not just in riding but in life
> That said, it's understandable that she's shaken. Encourage her to have an open dialog about her feelings, and furthermore encourage her to get back on Antone.
> 
> Is a lunge-lesson possible? That could be a way to safely build her confidence back up and show her (starting in a more controlled environment) that not every experience with this pony will be a negative one


A lunge-lesson is a great idea! And I will certainly run it by our trainer. 

I've tried getting her to talk about the experience and how she feels, but she refuses. All she gives me is denial of any fear.


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## Horsef (May 1, 2014)

Zexious said:


> Is a lunge-lesson possible? That could be a way to safely build her confidence back up and show her (starting in a more controlled environment) that not every experience with this pony will be a negative one


Not to rain on the parade, but I just watched a kid get bucked off on a lunge line a couple of hours ago :/ Naughty horse. (On a side note, I'd much rather fall off myself than watch a kid get thrown off. I don't even like kids. Weird)


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## Jan1975 (Sep 7, 2015)

I was going to say the same thing about taking a step back and doing super easy things in lessons for awhile. Maybe even just walking. Hopefully the pony has had some training rides of his own since then.

I'm sorry this happened! I'm sure it was equally traumatic for both of you. I've watched both of my kids fall off and it's not my favorite for sure! Both were a bit nervous for a few rides after but recovered.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

Horsef -- Absolutely, it can happen. 
A person can get injured on the ground walking next to the horse, much less riding them xD

My point is the child's perceived security.
And, indeed, I'm sure the likelihood of getting bucked off while on a lunge line is less than while riding normally.


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## Jan1975 (Sep 7, 2015)

Zexious said:


> My point is the child's perceived security.
> And, indeed, I'm sure the likelihood of getting bucked off while on a lunge line is less than while riding normally.


Yes, that is a big thing. My daughter (she's 6) wanted me to walk next to her for awhile after she was thrown. I was leading the horse AND I had my hand on her thigh, and we were walking so slow. But she gradually got over it. Just recently she had another fall, and didn't need quite so much reassurance to get back into it. 

My son was 10 or 11 when he took a tumble after a jump. He was nervous for a few rides after that but recovered. He wouldn't admit fear but I could tell.


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Jan1975 said:


> I was going to say the same thing about taking a step back and doing super easy things in lessons for awhile. Maybe even just walking. Hopefully the pony has had some training rides of his own since then.
> 
> I'm sorry this happened! I'm sure it was equally traumatic for both of you. I've watched both of my kids fall off and it's not my favorite for sure! Both were a bit nervous for a few rides after but recovered.


The (not so) funny thing is that Antone is an old pony, well trained and usually quite easy to manage. I think his issue Saturday was that it was a beautiful day and the big door to the arena was open and other riders were taking their horses out and he was denied a second walk outside and he decided he was just done. And being that Kajia is so new to riding, she wasn't aware of his cues or how to correct him before he threw her. 

You're absolutely right -- watching her was definitely traumatic for me! It was played out in slow motion and I was pretty much worthless to her as I was still on my horse. I resisted the urge to bail and run to her, knowing it was safer to keep my horse calm with me on her. I'm trying quite hard not to project my own anxiety now when we're there. My ride Sunday started with some obvious unease, but my trainer noticed right away and kept me focused and calm.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Sorry you had to experience that, I'm sure it was nerve-wracking. I'm 25 & my mom would have a heart attack if I fell off! 

I agree with slowing down the lesson a little bit. Sure it shook her up a bit, it'd shake anyone up. I understand that she doesn't want to ride him. 
That's good she can ride Rio instead, maybe later on she will get back on Antone & continue with him. Sounds like a confident little rider! A horse like Antone may need that!  Some horses need strong riders. Props to her for getting back on & finishing her lesson- that's the main thing, getting back on. She's already on the right track. 
Sounds like Antone had one of those days; sometimes they act funky.


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## Jan1975 (Sep 7, 2015)

AK719 said:


> The (not so) funny thing is that Antone is an old pony, well trained and usually quite easy to manage. I think his issue Saturday was that it was a beautiful day and the big door to the arena was open and other riders were taking their horses out and he was denied a second walk outside and he decided he was just done. And being that Kajia is so new to riding, she wasn't aware of his cues or how to correct him before he threw her.


Even the seasoned lesson horses get a little snarky sometimes, especially if they'd have several kids on them in a row without a knowledgeable rider in between. I've seen the instructors hop on the most gentle lesson horse at our barn before when he needed a little reminder.


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## Mulefeather (Feb 22, 2014)

I often think this is where the old adage “You’re not a real rider unless you’ve fallen off!” came from – not because it validates someone as real/not real, but because it serves as a bit of a balm to a bruised ego after a tumble.

It’s good that your daughter is willing to ride after her spill, but just give her time. It also might help her to see things from the pony’s point of view. Did he spook? Did his tack not fit correctly? Does his back hurt? It may help to teach her that sometimes horses (and people!) act up when they aren’t feeling good, or are scared. They’re not doing it because they’re being mean or want to hurt us, but they don’t have any other way to express how they feel, and that’s why it’s important for humans as their caretakers and stewards to try to figure out what’s happening when a problem comes up.


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

Maybe take a couple of sessions w/o a lesson. Just the two of you go ride, maybe outside, just relax and have some fun just being on a horse. Might remove a bit of the stress she feels.


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Mulefeather said:


> I often think this is where the old adage “You’re not a real rider unless you’ve fallen off!” came from – not because it validates someone as real/not real, but because it serves as a bit of a balm to a bruised ego after a tumble.


She seemed to feel better after I showed her that even Olympian riders take tumbles. She's always been the type that strives for perfection in absolutely everything she does. While the drive is impressive, when she doesn't meet that lofty expectation the impact it has on her is hard to watch. 

Oh, and Dustbunny -- The idea of just an easy ride without the lesson is appealing, but unfortunately not possible as we don't own any horses and our only access to them is the stable in which we do our lessons.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I'd let her have a lesson just taking the pony for a hand walk, or have the instructor work with her on teaching her some ground handling skills. she can have some time alone with the pony, to tell him how angry she is, and once that's over, her little heart will melt, probably, and they'll be friends again.

I think that when a person feels more comforatable handling horses on the ground, they feel much more confident in the saddle. they get close to the hrose, and see the horse for what it is; a very emotional animal. horses are prey animals, so fear is what controls them, ulitmately. it can make the handler become much more empathetic to the animal when you understand that they are subject to emotions, just like we are.


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## WhattaTroublemaker (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm glad she got back on and wasn't hurt! My own mother watched me get bucked a few weeks ago, and even though I'm almost twenty, she still threw a fit! Shaking me and yelling about broken bones! :lol: falls happen. I find that when I was young I bounced back up a lot easier than I do now. I forgot about the fall within minutes, even if I cried, because I loved to ride!


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

you are STILL young , @WhattaTroublemaker!


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## WhattaTroublemaker (Aug 13, 2013)

tinyliny said:


> you are STILL young , @WhattaTroublemaker!


Yeeesss I suppose but im fat and out of shape and I definitely don't bounce like I did when I was eight!


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

My go to when a kid comes off is a high-five "you're officially a horseback rider now!".

Honestly it's OK that she's upset. Maybe it's not "right" but my parents never pushed me to talk about stuff and I turned out ok (though I probably still don't talk about stuff lol).

My own horse threw me a few years back and I got hurt pretty badly (pinched nerve so not serious but serious pain for a solid week!) And (he's evil I wouldn't say this about most other horses) it was not at all prompted and was at a walk, simply him being a brat. I didn't ride for awhile and when I did it took me a good 6 months to realize I hadn't touched him and while I was riding my other horses I realized I was intentionally making excuses to not do anything with him. I didn't even REALIZE that. Now some of those things are valid (he has soundness issues and my own horses don't get handled much at all) but I was definitely avoiding it. So after some more avoidance I started working with him again and pushed myself through it (and gave him much less slack) and we were fine. Now I'm an adult but for me there was no benefit of talking through it. I knew I'd get back on him at some point and when I was ready I did. Sounds like your daughter has a similar mindset and she's already taking the steps she needs to work through it (going to the barn, going to lessons on another horse, etc) so I wouldn't worry too much, she'll do it when she's ready and if she wants to ride the other horse instead what's wrong with that? I don't see any reason to push her back to that horse right away, especially if it was the horses fault and not simply one of the "accidents happen" moments.

I think always offering her to work with the pony is a good idea (even grazing and such), but I wouldn't push it. I'm glad the staff is being supportive.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

As another horsey mom of a horsey daughter, I feel for you! Kids get shaken up, but parents are the ones who think about all the horrible outcomes and replay it in our heads! 

First, I would encourage you to talk to the trainer about putting your daughter on a very quiet horse. She does not have enough experience to deal with a bucking horse. I know this pony is supposed to be quiet, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. If she can't ride another horse, then yes, I would go to the lunge line. That way, the trainer holding the line can correct the pony if he gets frisky again. You don't want her to have another fall and decide she doesn't want to ride anymore. Take it slow, and give her time.

In the fall of 2015, we bought my then 10 year old daughter her first horse after four years of fairly intensive lessons. But one day, he kicked her in the thigh. Then, a few days later, he stepped on her toes. She's never fallen off him, thankfully. She was very upset about those two incidents though, and felt hurt and mad all at once. I kept telling her he wasn't trying to hurt her (when he kicked, there was a big dog running around him and I think he saw movement and struck out and my daughter happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time). But she was clearly angry at him and had a hard time not taking it personally. I just gave her lots of time. She was never forced to go to the barn - it was always her choice. And I let her continue to take lessons at the lesson barn on one of their dead-quiet horses because she was afraid to canter on her own horse (he can be a handful at the canter). I didn't make a big deal out of it. I kept paying for her weekly lessons at the lesson barn, and a second lesson at the boarding stable where our horse was. She got more and more confident. She did summer camps, rode lots of other horses, more and more difficult horses. She is now the kid they put on the hard to handle horses! And at home, she can now ride her horse bareback at the canter, and absolutely adores him. But she had to build her confidence by riding the easy horses first. 

Kids are resilient, but they still need to be protected somewhat so the experience remains a positive one until they are skilled enough that they can handle a challenge. 

I hope your rides are stress-free from here on! Don't hesitate to come back and tell us how your horse journey is going!


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

I will say the one lady I knew who REFUSED to watch her very involved daughters lessons was the one who used to ride herself!


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## elkdog (Nov 28, 2016)

Things sure have changed since I was a kid. If a horse bucked me off at age 9 I had to go out and fix what I broke. Getting another horse wasn't an option, since I might break it too. Corporal punishment was allowed and encouraged (I believe). The beating I might get from the horse was safer than the beating I would get if I didn't "fix" it. We didn't have helmets, kevlar, bubble wrap, or anything pink. We just learned to teach the horses safety and manners from the ground. If the first lesson wasn't thorough, The horses would send us to the ground for a refresher course in horse manners. At age 10 I had this gelding. We had one of those "special" relationships. We hated each other. I had to take that butt hole out twice a week and move cows. He tried every trick known to a horse to throw me. He did teach me how to stick to a horse pretty good. I didn't shed any tears when we sold him.


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## WhattaTroublemaker (Aug 13, 2013)

elkdog said:


> Things sure have changed since I was a kid. If a horse bucked me off at age 9 I had to go out and fix what I broke. Getting another horse wasn't an option, since I might break it too. Corporal punishment was allowed and encouraged (I believe). The beating I might get from the horse was safer than the beating I would get if I didn't "fix" it. We didn't have helmets, kevlar, bubble wrap, or anything pink. We just learned to teach the horses safety and manners from the ground. If the first lesson wasn't thorough, The horses would send us to the ground for a refresher course in horse manners. At age 10 I had this gelding. We had one of those "special" relationships. We hated each other. I had to take that butt hole out twice a week and move cows. He tried every trick known to a horse to throw me. He did teach me how to stick to a horse pretty good. I didn't shed any tears when we sold him.


I agree with this to an extent. When I was five I was bought my first pony and thrown on to break him. That was my pony and my problem. And my god the problems we had! He bucked me off, reared and flipped, would lie down to eat grass with me on him. I loved him though. My father gave him to me and said "there you go now go ride it." 

But I respect that not all families are like that. A good family friend still to this day would give my father hell because I would gallop around on my pony all over. Through the barn, down the road, down the driveway, id jump him no hands over barrels and fences, through the house and out the back door, all with no helmet. I learned to tuck and roll because I didn't want to hit my head. This lady would lose her marbles over it, to the point where one day, she came over and physically hauled me off my pony by my hair and spanked me, all because I jumped my pony up the steps and into the porch to give my father something. Times sure are different!


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

While my parents had strict rules my mother was very hands off (my dad worked a lot when we were young). I talked to her recently about my first gelding, not an outgoing or easy horse, he was standoffish and hot and the two of us just clicked really well, and my mother admitted she really didn't like him at all and just got him for me... well I told her how he kicked me the one time and she was like "you never told me, I would have gotten rid of him!" I was like "that was why!!". And out of all the horses I've worked with he taught me the most, both on the ground (don't walk up behind a loose horse, apparently I still have scar tissue on my lung though I must say it never even bruised so he was just making a point bless his heart as opposed to being mean, I told you he was a good teacher!) and riding, learning how to ride an ex Saddleseat champ in the woods with old tack and no retraining whatsoever, I learned to ride in a 2 reined Pelham as it was the only way I had a chance of holding him without hurting him.... And he's the one I still cry when I think about as much of a jerk as he was .

The point is, it's the tough ones you learn a lot from. We had a sweet mare the same time as the above horse and while she was pretty close to perfect I never learned the sort of stuff I learned from the gelding. Riding the more difficult horses (in any sense) teaches the kids a lot more then riding the horse that never puts a foot wrong. I watched a pony I would 110% trust with a toddler toss a 10 year old (gently) when she was riding her incorrectly and ignoring the teacher's instructions. I swear I wanted to give that pony a carrot!

So while it can be a bit scary it's definitely a learning experience, and while people do get hurt it's usually more advanced people riding more difficult horses (if you come off easily you'll come off before stuff gets too bad!) and honestly for the MANY falls that happen getting hurt is a lot more rare then it sounds. It's really just the bruised ego one needs to worry about. And honestly, if I feel off in front of my parents (I did that time in my previous post) I would DIE. Out of all the times I've come off that's the WORSE even moreso if my parents were to freak out about it (they didn't).

I can imagine it's tricky to wrap your head around but I think in a way falling off is a good thing. It's important to learn to fall correctly so you DON'T hurt yourself- the one time I've EVER gotten hurt in 20 years I landed flat on my back, and it's also good to get past it, many new riders have this fear of falling to the point of saying "oh that wasn't so bad" then getting on and having their riding improved due to being so relaxed (which helps keep you from falling as well). So yes I think there is truth to the "now you're a real horseman!" thing. The more you come off the less likely to!

Anyways, I feel like I'm rambling so sorry if I am...off to bed!


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Hummm.....I knew there was a reason I haven't wanted to take lessons.....


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

elkdog said:


> Things sure have changed since I was a kid. If a horse bucked me off at age 9 I had to go out and fix what I broke. Getting another horse wasn't an option, since I might break it too. Corporal punishment was allowed and encouraged (I believe). The beating I might get from the horse was safer than the beating I would get if I didn't "fix" it. We didn't have helmets, kevlar, bubble wrap, or anything pink. We just learned to teach the horses safety and manners from the ground. If the first lesson wasn't thorough, The horses would send us to the ground for a refresher course in horse manners. At age 10 I had this gelding. We had one of those "special" relationships. We hated each other. I had to take that butt hole out twice a week and move cows. He tried every trick known to a horse to throw me. He did teach me how to stick to a horse pretty good. I didn't shed any tears when we sold him.


I guess I'm struck by a few things in this reply. 

First of all -- my daughter and I don't own our own horses. Our instructor has paired us with horses that fit our experience levels. The same instructor knew that it wasn't anything my daughter did that caused the incident. Even when the instructor took over to lead the pony while my daughter was mounted, the pony continued to act up. So she'd rather present the option to my daughter to work with another horse so that she can keep moving forward. 

Also, I'm a bit offended at your "bubble wrap, or anything pink" comment. Just because my daughter and I are female doesn't mean we're dressed up in pink and glitter and ruffles and doing this because it's cute. We know it's work, and we're willing to work. I came here for some feedback on processing this experience and if you don't want to offer anything helpful please move on and don't engage in the conversation.


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## Dehda01 (Jul 25, 2013)

One thing I found helped as a kid was that trainers made falling off a horse a rite of passage You needed to earn your spurs. We got stars next to our name!

We were told that we all fall off, it is just a matter of when. Also, we practiced falling off. You can start on a couch onto a pillow. We had a vaulting barrel with a mattress underneath it which was very nice, but you can make do and make it fun. Learning how to tuck and roll is helpful and also good to prevent injuries. If you know what to expect it is less scary. The first fall usually the scariest. You can always injury yourself badly, but most are just minor bumps and bruises.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

What struck me about your post was that you and your daughter had very different experiences and very different reactions, but *your* experience as a tentative green adult rider, and as a naturally protective mother, really dominated everything. 

I rode nasty ponies as a child. And nasty horses. I didn't have lessons, and I rode alone a lot, or with a pack of friends. I fell off all the time. I was rubbed off, bucked off (once, in a parade!), lain down with (in a creek!), run away with, and on and on. Guess what? I was a kid, and I didn't care. If I wasn't hurt -- and I never really was -- I just got back on, feeling cranky and kind of stupid to have not seen that coming, plus maybe embarrassed because my friends were watching. Many things were problems for me, but not animals, never animals. 

Maybe your daughter is more like me as a kid, than like you as a green adult rider (green adult riders are generally far more careful and nervous much longer, than young children are, I have observed).

If you make a big fuss over what was a minor kerfluffle that most new riders are going to have happen to them at some point (more than once, most likely), she might attach much more importance and fear to it than she should. Or, she could emotionally shut you out, because your belief that she needs to process the experience doesn't accurately describe what happened to her, and it comes across as intrusive. 

Maybe you shouldn't watch her lessons.


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Avna, thank you for your feedback! I really appreciate the insight into how a younger rider might process the falls. You seemed to describe much of her behavior with the being a bit cranky or upset with not seeing it coming -- that seems to describe her demeanor as well. I will work harder not to project my nervousness, though I know I won't be able to curb that natural defensiveness over her. (a mother's curse for sure)


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## Chasin Ponies (Dec 25, 2013)

I always warn the parents and riders both when lessons first start that _everyone _falls off if they ride enough. When they do, I'm one of those instructors that does make a bit of encouraging fuss about being a real rider. Takes the sting and embarrassment out of it. The best parents are the ones who show some concern but help me encourage the rider to get back on even if it's only for 5 minutes. I'd advise that as a parent, you stop mentioning it around her and just let her figure it out herself. The sooner she rides this ornery little pony and gets the best of him the better!


In the many years I've been teaching I only ran across one kid that wimped out and wouldn't get back on. This was a* boy* to my shock! He fake limped over to his mother and huddled under her arm (he was already 5" taller than her!) and wouldn't stop crying. Absolutely refused to even go near the horse. I politely informed the mother that he wasn't going to be a good candidate for riding and that he couldn't come back. What I wanted to tell her about her turning her son into a mama's boy, I kept to myself!:wink:


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Chasin Ponies said:


> I always warn the parents and riders both when lessons first start that _everyone _falls off if they ride enough. When they do, I'm one of those instructors that does make a bit of encouraging fuss about being a real rider. Takes the sting and embarrassment out of it. The best parents are the ones who show some concern but help me encourage the rider to get back on even if it's only for 5 minutes. I'd advise that as a parent, you stop mentioning it around her and just let her figure it out herself. The sooner she rides this ornery little pony and gets the best of him the better!


She had already fallen off once (same pony, different day) and hopped right back on and finished it out. I think it just shook her a bit more that he actually bucked her off the second time. But she still finished out that lesson on him as well. And we all definitely made a pretty big deal about everyone falling and that if you haven't you haven't ridden enough. She thought I'd never fallen so I got to share my story of being on a friend's horse way back when I was 16 and trying bareback without any kind of skill and taking a tumble. We only really talked about it that day, and when she came with me the next day to my lesson. We've left it alone since then and she's doing just fine. 

I really do appreciate everyone's stories and advice and reassurances.


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## SorrelHorse (Apr 9, 2009)

I have a little girl who has been riding with me roughly a year, and she took her first fall the other day too at a show. She lost her seat at the lope, and slid to the side - When she did it scared her horse, who started to crow hop, and she fell off. Wasn't hurt but she is shaken still.

She rode with me on the lunge line on a different horse, and she literally cried the whole time. She was normally so brave, wanted to go fast, wanted to do crazy things. Weird to see her this way. But unfortunately the only way to get the confidence back is to ride more.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

AK719 said:


> It was incredibly traumatic for me to watch. Days later it still replays in my mind. But I'll deal with it.


And you will. And it won't be the last time she falls off, or you see her fall off. I always say it's a matter of *when* you will fall off, and not "if".

My daughter is only 8 months old so I can't relate to seeing her fall off (although I will someday!) but I've seen my mom fall off and the feeling is probably about the same. The last time she fell off .... rather her horse slipped and fell while running a pole bending pattern around the end pole. I was watching from the gate, sitting on my own horse, when she went down. I don't really recall what I did, but I jumped off my horse, handed him off to someone and was in that arena next to her before she even picked herself off the ground. She was just fine and horse was just fine, but things like that always scare you. 



AK719 said:


> My main concern is helping her deal with the aftermath. She came with me to my lesson on Sunday but had no desire to get on her own mount. She keeps saying she's not scared (there's that ego again) but I know it had to have left an impression. I just don't know how to go about encouraging her to talk through it, acknowledge the fear/anxiety, and process in a healthy way. She's willing to ride again next Saturday -- but refuses to mount Antone, the pony that threw her.
> 
> So if anyone has any advice it'd be greatly appreciated!


It's hard to say exactly what to do because everyone is so different. *You know your daughter best.* You know if you should still MAKE her get on that horse (and she'll be fine) and you know if you should lay off and just let her come along to your lessons and watch. Same would go with an adult who fell off. Some people will "recover" better by being forced to ride and get on with it; and some people need to take some time. 

But eventually, you DO have to get back on. 

If you know she will be fine, then make her get back on and just go. Show that pony who's boss!


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

beau159 said:


> It's hard to say exactly what to do because everyone is so different. *You know your daughter best.* You know if you should still MAKE her get on that horse (and she'll be fine) and you know if you should lay off and just let her come along to your lessons and watch. Same would go with an adult who fell off. Some people will "recover" better by being forced to ride and get on with it; and some people need to take some time.
> 
> But eventually, you DO have to get back on.
> 
> If you know she will be fine, then make her get back on and just go. Show that pony who's boss!


Thank you for this. You're right. Even though I lack a whole lot in the realm of horse sense (ha!) you're right in that ultimately aside from her, I'm the one that knows her best. I think initially I did project quite a bit. I deal with anxiety myself and the last thing I'd want is for her to develop it after this... but that's just projection. She's not a typically anxious child, so there's no real validity to my fear that this would create an anxiety issue. She's wonderfully resilient and determined, I know she'll get back on. Maybe not right away on the pony, but she'll practice with another horse, regain confidence and I'm sure she'll go back to her original pony.


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## elkdog (Nov 28, 2016)

AK719 said:


> I guess I'm struck by a few things in this reply.
> 
> First of all -- my daughter and I don't own our own horses. Our instructor has paired us with horses that fit our experience levels. The same instructor knew that it wasn't anything my daughter did that caused the incident. Even when the instructor took over to lead the pony while my daughter was mounted, the pony continued to act up. So she'd rather present the option to my daughter to work with another horse so that she can keep moving forward.
> 
> Also, I'm a bit offended at your "bubble wrap, or anything pink" comment. Just because my daughter and I are female doesn't mean we're dressed up in pink and glitter and ruffles and doing this because it's cute. We know it's work, and we're willing to work. I came here for some feedback on processing this experience and if you don't want to offer anything helpful please move on and don't engage in the conversation.


I didn't mean offense or anything sexist by the "anything pink" comment. Around here it is a tongue-in-cheek comment about inferior built, flashy products. 
Personally I question the instructors ability. One of my hard learned lessons is IT'S NEVER THE HORSES FAULT. When I get the wrong answer, it's because I ask the wrong question, or in the wrong way. A good instructor will teach how to ask the right questions.


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

I think not having lessons together is a good point. Obviously up to the OP but I can't say I've ever seen a mother/daughter team stick with lessons together. Simply put different mind sets and different skill levels. As said a green adult tends to go much slower than a green child. Kids are tough. While I get the whole bonding thing this may be something for the OP to think about, doesn't need to happen right away either. And there are a million ways to bond with horses without having the exact same lesson. Heck, riding with my mother always slows me down 

What I don't understand at all is the few comments implying that they would be better off without lessons, I genuinely don't understand this. Do horses not buck outside of lesson settings or something? I can't see any reason short of financially to say "lessons=bad"....

And the great part of riding is you can do whatever you want. You don't have to ride if you don't want, you can compete every weekend or you can hop on once a month. Your goal can be to advance as much as possible or you can figure out the basics and be happy with that. Get a hot horse, or a lazy horse or a backyard horse, ride at 10 or 80, start and stop at any point, etc. The only bad thing is when someone feels like they don't have those options because they are ALWAYS there.


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## SorrelHorse (Apr 9, 2009)

Yogiwick, as a trainer who gives lessons, I agree. I have a really hard time with parent/child lessons, because the language is different, their idea of body control is different, and overall how I would teach an adult beginner vs a child beginner is vastly different. 

And following up on what you said about doing whatever you want, I like to let beginner students have ten minutes or so of "free time" after a lesson, to just ride, without me watching or breathing down their neck. I usually find that just a minute to "Figure it out" sometimes helps them mentally. Of course you can lose that privilege by behaving poorly, but I find most people don't.


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

I am not a professional trainer/instructor but I did manage the floor at a very busy lesson barn for awhile. Out of the MANY mothers/daughters that rode I can't think of any pair that consistently had lessons together. I can imagine it would be very difficult to teach too, apples and oranges. I can say as a student as well the worst lessons where the ones where I was not in the appropriate group half the lesson (or more) has nothing to do with you!


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## StephaniHren (Jan 7, 2016)

elkdog said:


> I didn't mean offense or anything sexist by the "anything pink" comment. ... Personally I question the instructors ability. One of my hard learned lessons is IT'S NEVER THE HORSES FAULT.


As someone that buys a lot of pink products for my horse (because _style_)... wow. Maybe it's because I didn't grow up as a "real cowboy", but there are more colors than brown and black, you know. As for the whole "it's never the horse's fault" schpiel that people like to spout off, I 100% don't believe that. Sure, as a rider 9 out of 10 times there's something I can do to prevent a fall/a moment of misbehavior, but as a human being (not a robot), sometimes I have moments where I ask my horse to do me a solid and, you know, be my _partner_. Most of the time all goes well, every once in a while your horse decides to flip you the bird. I'm thinking of a particularly awesome (but slightly naughty) lesson pony that was running a course of jumps with me at a height that was slightly intimidating (for me, not for her). We took the second jump in a diagonal line, I got a little off balance but had plenty of time to fix it before the next jump, and instead of being a good partner she decided to throw me a buck that sent me flying off. Sure, I should have been more secure, but I'm still learning and I think I can safely call that one _her fault_ because, I mean, come on, _RUDE_. At some point you have to be able to expect your pony to do her part, you know?



SorrelHorse said:


> Yogiwick, as a trainer who gives lessons, I agree. I have a really hard time with parent/child lessons, because the language is different, their idea of body control is different, and overall how I would teach an adult beginner vs a child beginner is vastly different.


Thirding (fourthing?) the idea of separate lessons. We've got a lot of families that take lessons at my stable, but typically the adults and the children ride in separate lessons because it really is so different.



Yogiwick said:


> And the great part of riding is you can do whatever you want. You don't have to ride if you don't want, you can compete every weekend or you can hop on once a month. Your goal can be to advance as much as possible or you can figure out the basics and be happy with that. Get a hot horse, or a lazy horse or a backyard horse, ride at 10 or 80, start and stop at any point, etc. The only bad thing is when someone feels like they don't have those options because they are ALWAYS there.


This was an awesome comment.


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

Another thought is that I'm guessing mom's focus is understandably going to be even more on the daughter for at least the near future which will take away from the focus and enjoyment of the lesson for both of them. Maybe when both are a little more advanced they can ride together but for now, I would take some separately. Then mix it up!


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Yogiwick said:


> Another thought is that I'm guessing mom's focus is understandably going to be even more on the daughter for at least the near future which will take away from the focus and enjoyment of the lesson for both of them. Maybe when both are a little more advanced they can ride together but for now, I would take some separately. Then mix it up!


Not a bad idea. I also opted to take lessons separately from my daughter - but in my case, she's WAY better than I am LOL! But we're also a bit competitive so I think she would get annoyed if I did something better than her. Not that that's going to happen anytime soon. I took my first lesson in several months with her, but I could barely keep up. Now I'm in the "adult" group, lol (ie, old people who can't move that way group). Years ago, when we first started riding together, I was the better rider, but since I've invested all my money into her riding skills rather than my own, she's surpassed me by far.

I did see her get bucked onto her horse's neck last week. It was a surprise to everyone since that horse is usually so quiet. But she stayed on so it was fine. My heart didn't even skip a beat. I know she can handle it now. But it took years of lessons to get her there! 

I agree that everyone will fall off eventually, but I don't think too much too soon will benefit either mom or daughter. My daughter rode for about a year on a lunge line (she started at 6, which is rare around here, because most instructors only start when the kids are 8). Then she walked for months. Then trotted for a few more months. She probably only started cantering when she was 9 or so, then decided she wanted to learn to jump. That took a few more months. My point is, it's ok to take it slow! For years, it seemed like she wasn't really learning anything, but she was acquiring a very solid seat. Now she's learning basic vaulting moves! (yikes!)


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

I'm thinking many of you are under the impression that when I say that we take lessons together that we are instructed to do the same things at the same time which is not the case at all. And please remember we have quite literally only had 5 lessons it's not like I'm going to be the slow adult who can only walk my horse and she's the naturally inclined child who is working on being a jumper or something. There's even another woman who rides at the same time who is MUCH more advanced. She's not technically taking "lessons" but our instructor will take note of things she's working on with the horses and offer feedback. Do I feel that I need to ride at her level then since we're in the arena together? Absolutely not.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

elkdog said:


> I didn't mean offense or anything sexist by the "anything pink" comment. Around here it is a tongue-in-cheek comment about inferior built, flashy products.
> Personally I question the instructors ability. One of my hard learned lessons is IT'S NEVER THE HORSES FAULT. When I get the wrong answer, it's because I ask the wrong question, or in the wrong way. A good instructor will teach how to ask the right questions.


It may not be the horse's fault but it may not be anyone present's fault either. The sour horses I have ridden were soured by other people, not me, and I paid the price. I think fixing blame is rarely useful in any enterprise, although we all love to do it. Blame chokes off the desire to understand, which leads to harmony.

And the pink comment could definitely have been phrased more politely. The majority of posters here are women and a lot of women like pink. Don't ask me why, I hate it myself. My horse's colors are royal blue picked out with scarlet, so there.


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## SorrelHorse (Apr 9, 2009)

A quick response as well to the whole "not the horses fault" thing -

The other day I was giving a lesson on Selena, who gives lessons four days a week to beginners on and off the lunge line. She's as solid a horse you can ask for. Really seasoned, really quiet, no spook and no malicious intentions. 

I pulled her out for a lesson, same as always last Friday and put the kid on the lunge line. She wasn't acting any different but it was the first warm day we had in a long time. All the other horses were frisky, but I didn't think anything of her.

Walked the kid around on the lunge and then asked for a trot. My really broke, gentle lesson horse leaped up, snorted, kicked out, and tossed the girl.

She was fine, and she even laughed and got right back up. She was unphased. But I lunged Selena and she ran and bucked and jumped, then after a few minutes she lowered her head and relaxed and looked at me like, "Okay, I'm good now Mom!"

Now that wasn't the kids fault. It wasn't Selena's fault. It was MY fault for getting comfortable, and not thinking that she would be fresh on a day like that. After all those things, she's still a horse, she still wants to blow off steam and I should have known that.

But it wasn't the kids fault.

Horses are horses. Sometimes they act out. Sometimes they have a bad day. Sometimes they don't feel great. Sometimes they feel TOO great. Sometimes they're lazy, sometimes they're hot. Sometimes they spook at something they've seen a hundred times. They can be touchy, or dull, or irritable. 

They are living beings and they are allowed that. 

However, to say that it's ALWAYS the riders fault is foolish. You can do everything right and still fail because your partner has a mind of its own. In my story it's my fault, but if some random stranger came up and told me they were going to kick me in the shin, is it my fault if I don't diffuse the situation? I was warned, after all. The stranger knows hurting another person is bad. My horses also know what is and isn't acceptable. Even if they warned me, they still don't get a free pass. I'll work them through it, but I'm not taking all the blame. Neither of the horses in question were young or inexperienced. At some point they have to be held accountable. 

That doesn't mean you have to lose your mind and beat the snot out of the poor brats five ways from sunday, but you should know that you have to remind them that it is unacceptable. Things happen sure, but that doesn't mean you should just ignore poor behavior. Recognize your mistakes as a handler or rider, then tell your mount "I'm sorry, but you aren't allowed to do that either."


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## EmberScarlet (Oct 28, 2016)

I know when I was seven, and my sister was ten, our mom's friend invited us over to sit on her horse, Benny, and ride around. We rode bareback, with only hair to hold. I had a TON of fun, but when sis rode, the horse freaked out, and through her off. She wasn't too hurt, only a bruise, but she never really liked horses much afterward. I was also slightly affected, that in a way, I focus a lot on horses' body language. 
I'm lucky to have never been kicked, fallen off, or bucked off during 2016/till now, but I try to ready for the unpreventable.


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## Yogiwick (Sep 30, 2013)

AK719 said:


> I'm thinking many of you are under the impression that when I say that we take lessons together that we are instructed to do the same things at the same time which is not the case at all. And please remember we have quite literally only had 5 lessons it's not like I'm going to be the slow adult who can only walk my horse and she's the naturally inclined child who is working on being a jumper or something. There's even another woman who rides at the same time who is MUCH more advanced. She's not technically taking "lessons" but our instructor will take note of things she's working on with the horses and offer feedback. Do I feel that I need to ride at her level then since we're in the arena together? Absolutely not.


On the contrary, I wasn't under that impression at all not do I believe anyone else was. Honestly it would almost be better if you were!

Let me put it this way most barns around here require "x" before allowing group lessons. X meaning various things like has completed x private lessons, rides at x level after evaluation (which I haven't seen a single barn not require at least that before a group lesson with an unfamiliar rider), has ridden in a group before, etc. With 5 lessons you just aren't independent yet and should be having one on one focus. Unless there is more than one instructor in the ring but then that wouldn't be riding together right? The instructors attention is split 2 ways (or even 3!) with people who don't actually have control over their horse (yet!). I don't at all mean to imply that the situation would not have happened where the instructor focused solely on your daughter, but it definitely would have diminished the likelihood of that happening. I also think it would be better for multiple other reasons as well and quite possibly more enjoyable (at this point) for both of you.

Excellent post by @SorrelHorse

And no one ever said riding horses won't make you tough


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

Like Yogiwick, I was not assuming you were doing the same thing as your daughter in the lesson. It just decreases the pressure and anxiety not to have to ride in the same group because as a mom, you don't have to worry about your daughter. When my daughter rides, I catch myself focusing just on her. It makes it harder to focus on myself. Not saying you're doing this OP, but I can see a lot of good reasons for taking lessons separately. My daughter and I are in separate groups back-to-back so we don't have to make two trips out. We still feel like we're doing it "together" and almost always watch each other ride, but from the ground. My daughter is surprisingly supportive (remember, she's the better rider now), but we never try to correct each other unless the other one asks. I can see how it could easily lead to conflict if we did our lessons together. But then again, my daughter's a pre-teen whereas yours is younger.


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## Foxhunter (Feb 5, 2012)

My mother was an anomaly, she just laughed when we fell off. He response to injury was "Worse to come before you die." or, "If you can't take the rough, stop riding." 

Only twice in my life did she not react with laughter. The first was when I had a bad concussion and the second when I had my teeth kicked out. Her reaction those times scared the bejebors out of me! 

Children falling can be frightening to watch, if it is your own then that must be ten times worse. As said it is good that she got on again and rode, she needs to be put on a different pony and given lots of encouragement. 

The thing is that if she leaves it to long before riding again the fear she denies having, will maybe escalate. 

Ponies can be naughty but this one sounds unsuitable for novice riders. Had I been the instructor I would have been on hos back and cantered him until he was blowing hard and sweat dripping off him before putting your daughter back on him.


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## AK719 (Feb 20, 2017)

Quick update! 

She had a great lesson on Saturday on a different horse! Her instructor explained to me that sometimes it can be harder for children to assert dominance/control over the horse because oftentimes they just aren't raised with access to that part of their personality, or that they don't like being told what to do so they don't want to tell an animal what to do. I'm not sure what my little one's block might be since I'm not convinced either of those play a part in her... but I'm not her so I can't say for certain. But I can acknowledge that she does let the horse get away with more than she should sometimes. Sometimes I, too, let my horse make decisions that should be left to me. It's a work in progress. I'm just so glad she's wanting to keep going and learn. 

I also did discuss with our instructor the possibility of doing back to back lessons, and she was quite receptive to the idea so we might be moving forward with that set up.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

AK719 said:


> Quick update!
> 
> She had a great lesson on Saturday on a different horse! Her instructor explained to me that sometimes it can be harder for children to assert dominance/control over the horse because oftentimes they just aren't raised with access to that part of their personality, or that they don't like being told what to do so they don't want to tell an animal what to do. I'm not sure what my little one's block might be since I'm not convinced either of those play a part in her... but I'm not her so I can't say for certain. But I can acknowledge that she does let the horse get away with more than she should sometimes. Sometimes I, too, let my horse make decisions that should be left to me. It's a work in progress. I'm just so glad she's wanting to keep going and learn.
> 
> I also did discuss with our instructor the possibility of doing back to back lessons, and she was quite receptive to the idea so we might be moving forward with that set up.


Glad she had a good lesson.  It could have been a number of things, or they may just not have been a good match. Exactly, at least she wants to keep learning.  That's all that matters. Happy to hear that.


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

WhattaTroublemaker said:


> Yeeesss I suppose but im fat and out of shape and I definitely don't bounce like I did when I was eight!


That makes for good padding.


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## Acadianartist (Apr 21, 2015)

AK719 said:


> Quick update!
> 
> She had a great lesson on Saturday on a different horse! Her instructor explained to me that sometimes it can be harder for children to assert dominance/control over the horse because oftentimes they just aren't raised with access to that part of their personality, or that they don't like being told what to do so they don't want to tell an animal what to do. I'm not sure what my little one's block might be since I'm not convinced either of those play a part in her... but I'm not her so I can't say for certain. But I can acknowledge that she does let the horse get away with more than she should sometimes. Sometimes I, too, let my horse make decisions that should be left to me. It's a work in progress. I'm just so glad she's wanting to keep going and learn.
> 
> I also did discuss with our instructor the possibility of doing back to back lessons, and she was quite receptive to the idea so we might be moving forward with that set up.


That's such great news, thanks for sharing! 

I think it's harder for young kids to be really firm with a horse. When my daughter was 7, we leased a pony for a bit. The thing was stubborn as, well, as a pony! One day, my daughter had a breakthrough. The pony was just refusing to move forward for her. I told her to get at that pony like she meant it. She was tentative at first, but got so darned annoyed at that pony that she kicked its sides hard enough to wake it up and get it moving! Not suggesting your daughter should do that of course, but at that moment, my little girl realized she could use enough force to make that pony realize she means business! 

They just need time and experience to figure out how much force they need to use to get results without getting too much of a reaction. Not an easy thing to do, even for an adult!


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## Farmgirl16 (Sep 25, 2016)

Fear is tricky. Your daughter is lucky to have the trainer help her overcome and conquer her fears (as well as a great mom!) My first horse I ever rode proved to be more bronc than broke and it was many years before I regained the courage to even attempt riding again. I looked around for a really well reputed riding arena (they even specialized in helping people overcome their fears) and once I realized I could put my trust in my equine friend, I started to feel a lot better. My instructor has been phenomenal in helping me as well and knew exactly how to help me progress.
Now, I am far more confident on a horse and handle things a lot better if they act up and I've learned a lot. Getting bucked off or unloaded can be very scary, especially at a young age but trust your trainer. Things will improve! I know when I had an issue with one of the lesson horses that was a bit too much, my trainer just moved me to a slightly less difficult horse and now I ride the original one without issue!


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## Jan1975 (Sep 7, 2015)

I'm glad she had a good lesson and thanks for the update! I'm glad your instructor is willing to work with you.


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## stevenson (Sep 12, 2011)

How frightening for you and her. glad the trainer found her another mount.


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## bellagris (Dec 6, 2010)

I imagine she is shaken up and scared. That is normal just about any time you come off a horse. It is good she got back on for her confidence. The trained probably should have gotten on and tuned the pony up too -but it is a lot easier to get back on right away if you can than it is to wait. 

You certainly cant force her to ride, but maybe the barn has a different horse she could use instead? Sometimes that makes a big difference in the willingness to get back on. 

My kids haven't started riding yet -but I know that even being a rider who starts young horses ...I would have a hard time watching my children get thrown without mother bear taking over. Unfortunately that is also part of learning to ride. Best of luck to you guys and I hope that if you girl does love horses that she continues with it.


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