# Marriage and Horses



## hemms (Apr 18, 2012)

Hmmm... Any man who does not endorse the activities that make "Me" is no man o mine. 

Mine doesn't want me to invest in another Boxer, for example (dog). It's all about how the last one's failing health caused me to really stumble. I love him for his concern, but I will still get another when I'm ready. And he will not try to undermine or have a negative impact on it in any way. It is in the parameters of our respect, love and understanding of each other. 

I realise that not enough people are fortunate enough to have such a relationship but I feel it is important to point out that I intentionally held out for this kind of partner. I was 5 years single and contentedly prepared to die that way. This lovely boob came along with his noise, hairiness and abruptness. I was so ticked off when I realised he was IT, a few weeks later. My perfect little OCD world was tossed on its end forever. But all the little annoyances are nothing to the who and what I really am. They're simply incidentals worth giving up, highlighting just how worth it HE is. 

IMO, if someone is forcing me to choose between them and what breathes air into my lungs, light into my heart, wings onto my feet... Well, there's just no choice at all. Life is too short to live it for ANYONE else.
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## SlideStop (Dec 28, 2011)

You eat have to have a healthy respect for eachothers hobbies. Marriage and relationships are about balance and compromise. My girlfriend doesn't like horses, I love horses. While she isn't thrilled with the idea she still comes to my lessons, shows or even to just hang. Likewise I go to her roller derby games, practices and events. I'm not into but I like it because SHE finds enjoyment from it and I like supporting her. 

If you don't both compromise eventually someone will break. Either he will leave or you will get rid of the horse. I suggest talking it out before push comes to shove.
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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

Does your husband have any hobbies or friends?
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## Skyseternalangel (Jul 23, 2011)

That's extremely sad, because a husband should support your hobbies and your passions, not be petty about them.

My ex boyfriend was that way... was bitter about me talking about or spending time with my horse.

Men, ugh.

Honestly.. you need to communicate to him how this makes you feel, and try and get him to open up to why he's feeling so insecure..


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## pbeebs (Sep 7, 2013)

Communication. You need to talk this out and figure it out before as slide said push comes to shove. Before you do, try and see it from his angle. Could he be more needy when it comes to time spend together and he feels resentful at the horse because he actually isn't getting that much time with you? The book 5 love languages is really helpful. Maybe you're not giving him the kind of love that speaks to him so he feels neglected and takes it out on your hobby. Likewise he may not be loving you in the way that speaks to you. i think this has gotta be steaming from something else...unless he just really resents your horse? which in that case, would be very selfish in my opinion...anyway, worth looking into. Good luck!


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## ChelseaAnibelle (Oct 22, 2013)

He is sincerely jealous of my time spent with the horse and time spent at work :/ I work 45-50 odd hour weeks, teaching kids about horses and sharing God at my work. And then I have to feed and train my horse. He works 40 hours a week, 9-5 and has hockey once or twice a week at like 8:00 PM, plus has online class twice a week. We're both kind of busy, but he thinks that his stuff is more important and that I should be at home more. We talked and agreed to just fully seek God in this time (not getting rid of my horse), and allow Him to bring peace between us, and allow us to swallow our pride. I've heard of that book though, the 5 Languages of Love, and I think I should look into it. Thank you!


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

Marriage and relationships are about compromise.

Do you spend all your free time with your horse?

You know when you have a really good ride, or something really exciting happens with your horse, and you tell non-horsey friends.. they nod, then get that glazed over look? They just don't get it.

Does your husband have any interest in learning how to ride? Or how about looking for a lease for twice a week, so you can spend time together? Horses are a HUGE commitment, regardless of wealth, and if its not something you can cope with together you can find other arrangements. Lease, sell, not go down do much. But your husband then has to realise, and I know I felt it when I sold mine, that without a horse you will be a miserable person. 

But you have to be honest to yourself, and think about the amount of time you spend on the horse, and how much time you spend with your husband. 

I don't think there is any blame to be lay down at any door, but you can always change things round to keep every one happy. Most normal people will never understand the obsession a girl has with her horse!


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## frlsgirl (Aug 6, 2013)

We have the exact same problem.

Your husband probably feels like he has been replaced by a horse. What has worked for us is that I had to make an extra effort to participate in hobbies that are important to him. 

So I try to spend as much time doing none-horse stuff with my husband as I do riding. That way he doesn't feel neglected/replaced. 

Does your husband have a hobby that you can support him in?


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## CLaPorte432 (Jan 3, 2012)

He sounds quite selfish and immature to me.

He needs to suck it up and support you in your hobbies.

Im sure he has his own hobbies that you don't bat an eye at. He needs to do the same.
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## MsLady (Apr 18, 2013)

My husband and I got married young, especially by today's standards, I was 19 (20 in 6 days) and he was 21. We have now been married 20 years, we learned early on that communication was the number 1 necessity to keeping a strong marriage. Number 2 was compromise. And we also always had God in our marriage.

I can't tell you how to fix your problem, but I'm a strong believer that if you keep communication lines open and stay flexible (both of you, not just one), you can make it work. I also believe He has a greater plan.
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## Shoebox (Apr 18, 2012)

Could you offer to have him out to the barn with you? Spend time there together with the horses? I'm glad my other half supports my horsey love - and in fact without him I couldn't own either horse. He'd more than willing to come help with the horses, and sometimes just wants to come watch me work with them.

Otherwise you've been given good advice. Talking it out is the only thing that's going to help this. He's being unreasonable - how would he feel if you got angry at *him* for going out to hockey? If you were jealous of that time? Bet he would say you're being ridiculous. It's the same concept.


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## Missy May (Feb 18, 2012)

Well, I am not trying to be negative here....trust me. If it were me, I'd simply get out while the night is still young - _run_. That is just me. Horses are not a "dream" to me, they are my oxygen supply. I married a non-horsey person. That is hard enough as it is!!! But if DH didn't support my love for horses AND made it an "issue", well...I'm sure I could manage to draw my next breath w/o him.


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## Walkamile (Dec 29, 2008)

I guess I'm fortunate. DH is a very secure person, and secure in our love for each other. Because of that, we both have our own interests, plus share quite a few together. 

He enjoys seeing me with my horses, because he sees how happy I am. He doesn't see this in terms of me not being happy with him. Like I said, we are both secure people in ourselves and with each other. 

Maybe that is something your husband is not. Only communicating in a calm and caring way will any progress be made. Of course, you also may have to open yourself to really hear things you may not want to. 

Good luck to you.


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## Hang on Fi (Sep 22, 2007)

I will second the answer of communication... Or finding a hobby to entertain him otherwise. 

I was incredibly luck with my husband. He maybe rode a horse once before he met me and slowly got more and more involved in the horses the more we were together. He's incredibly supportive, heck, he bought a horse trailer and an Expedition before we got married so I could haul on my own (My dad would always cop an attitude when it came time for horse shows) He's taken a couple months of lessons with me and is a quick learner. 

The best thing you can do is communicate that it upsets you that he doesn't support your hobby. He _should_, in my opinion. Horses are one thing I told my husband I would choose over him  Tell him that it hurts you that he won't come to lunch at your place of work. 

Is he afraid of horses? Allergic maybe? I think a sit down chat is a must for you two... Be open, honest, and mature. Don't attack him or put him on the defense (even if he tries to be defensive).


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## Palomine (Oct 30, 2010)

Honestly? I think if you come out of horses he will have something else to gripe about. These types usually do.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row, as this attitude of his does not bode well for your future together.


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## PaintHorseMares (Apr 19, 2008)

I agree that balance and communication are essential to a relationship, but somewhere along the line both of you will have to do some serious self reflection and soul searching to determine what marriage really means to each of you. 

In my experience, many horse people are extremely passionate about their horse life. I have an acquaintance that divorced her husband and actually told him that he could have their children if she got the horses. Just food for thought....


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I would not expect him to like what you do. maybe not even support it. just as long as he does not try to undermine it, or belittle you, or destroy it.
Eventually, over time, he may change to be more accepting, and he may see that it makes you happy, and if he loves you, he will enjoy seeing you happy and want that for you. But, to expect him to not have any feelings of jealousy is probably not very realistic. 
It is even true that when a woman has a baby, the husband will go through a period of time where he may feel replaced, and quite jealous of his baby now usurping his spot as #1 in the eyes of his wife. he will then feel really bad for having such a selfish, and maybe illogical emotion, since he loves the baby, too. time brings couples through all that, usually.

I would insist on what's important for you, but don't insist he feel the same way. Just keep stating how happy you are made to feel wtih time spent with horses, and maybe he will start to feel good that you feel good.

But , you also have to give him some of your time, too. it's just the facts, ma'am, that spouses have to be placed in a very high place of importance, or things WILL sour.


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## Saskia (Aug 26, 2009)

I think that it's a tricky situation. It's hard enough getting a new boyfriend and having them get used to you being into horses. They don't understand the amount of time and money and heartache that goes into horses. But from the beginning it's part of the package. They deal or they move on. 

However, it's different for you because horses weren't part of the "package". You were together in a certain way and then you got horses and everything changed. 

I want to jump on the (somewhat) bandwagon and say that he should respect your hobbies and he needs to deal with this and he's being unreasonable. I can't though. I imagine about what if I was in a relationship, that things were a certain way, we spent time together around work, maybe select hobbies and we were happy. Then I imagine he got a new job, a new hobby and all of a sudden he's not around. He's working longer hours, then in his spare time he chooses to do something that I don't hate, but that I don't value either, like motorbikes or golf or something I have no interest in. I'd feel really upset. I'd ask myself why isn't he choosing to spend time with me anymore?

When I'm in a relationship with someone it's important for me to spend time with them, to share our lives. I wouldn't date someone in the army or something, who went away for months, or even someone with a business job that was away every other weekend. I wouldn't have signed up for that. 

Horses aren't just a hobby, it's not like you're taking pottery a couple nights a week. They overtake almost every aspect of your life. You're a horse person, or you're not. 

I guess I'd just try to look at it from the perspective of has your relationship changed since getting the horse? Are you spending a lot less time together? Are you communicating less? Because if these are his complaints, then I do think they are valid because the relationship that you both agreed to continue has changed. 

When you do spend time together, do you talk about the horses? Or are you spending time with him? So many times I come home and blabber to anyone who will listen about what my horse has done today. Sometimes I forget that people don't care. I think that in some cases you have to leave the horse stuff at the stable, come home and be the wife, or the girlfriend or whatever.

I'm not saying he is right, or you're wrong but I'm just saying that I might act exactly the same as him in a given situation. 

I know you think he's not making effort, not coming for barn lunches, but if you lunch off why can't you meet him at a local cafe? A park for a picnic? Effort goes both ways. Make a list (I love lists) of the time you spend with him, be honest about when you're actually together engaging, not just existing. Write your horse hours, the hours you used to be together, work out if there really is a problem that needs to be addressed, and what you could do. And talk about. Always talk. 

Sorry for my extremely long and unhelpful post.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Oh I see so many relationships where the man thinks all his guy stuff is important whereas anything wifey has or wants is frivolous. I've often joked with the men who are like this, a term I heard not too long ago. Would you rather your wife went to the bar or the barn when she needs a break.


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## Jessabel (Mar 19, 2009)

Your husband needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He's a want, not a need, and you might have to remind him of that. 

Being married doesn't mean sacrificing your individuality or independence. You still have your own separate life. Your horse is none of his business and his approval is not needed. You are also not obligated to put up with any crap from him. End of story. :wink: Stay strong and stand up for yourself.


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

My boyfriend is often disappointed when I decide to spend time at the barn instead of spending it with him. I'll go out to the barn in the evening sometimes, and he'll call me with a sad tone when he finds out that I'm out there. He's not upset that I'm into horses, just that he gets to spend less time with me once in awhile. He has his activities that take him away from me sometimes, and it just takes communication to make sure that one of us isn't think that we'll hang out in the evening, while the other one is planning on being at the barn or doing another activity. There have been occasions when I've skipped going to the barn to spend the day with him, and there's been times that he's skipped things for me. You can't be selfish (not saying that you have been!) and feel that you are able to go out during every free moment and not have it take a toll on your relationship. However, he needs to accept that he may regularly have to do without you for a good portion of the day. 

Both of you need to try to communicate when you'll be free and when you aren't. Once in awhile suggest doing something together when you would normally go to the barn. Try to get home early enough to eat dinner with him and tell him what's going on at the barn. My boyfriend is not into horses, but when I get home I'll mention a few highlights from the trip. I think it goes a long way to making him feel included, and he knows that he's always encouraged to go out there with me. 

You know your husband better than I do. This could either be an adjustment period where he's trying to get used to life when you're not available every second, or this could be an indicator of bad things to come. You say that he doesn't want to go to the barn to eat lunch with you- does he expect you to come to his place of work to catch lunch occasionally? Does he get irritated if you suggest that you spend time together instead of doing his activity? Does he even HAVE a hobby that doesn't involve you? If he expects you to sacrifice your time and wishes without offering anything himself, then you have a problem. If he doesn't have his own hobbies, then that is probably part of the problem as well. If you're going to be at the barn all day, then he can't just go play baseball with his buddies (or whatever it is that men do!). Encourage him to spend that time doing something for himself, and help him to realize what that may be.

The thing that concerns me most about the situation is that he is saying that you will step on whomever to realize your dreams. That shows a lack of confidence in you as a person, and a lack of trust. It also sounds like he is trying to make you feel guilty for any steps that you've taken to realize these dreams. I don't know what you mean by getting back into the horse industry, but if you really do plan on making some sort of living out of it- training, teaching lessons, working at a barn, owning a boarding stable someday- then his actions are not promising. If he can't even handle it with you owning a horse and doing normal horse ownership things, then how will he feel if you're spending many more hours a day out there away from him working with other peoples' horses? If those are the dreams that you truly have, then he may not be the sort of person that can accompany you through those dreams.


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## ~*~anebel~*~ (Aug 21, 2008)

I agree with the posters suggesting hubby needs to pull his head out of his behind.
A relationship is a part of life, not life itself. Men have a difficult time with this, especially if they are used to having a woman, either a mother, wife or gf, at their beck and call at all times.

This is the reason I am no longer with my ex. It was fine for me to have ambitions between the hours of 9-5 and provide for him as long as I could be home to cook his supper and be available for child bearing. Mention any ambition outside of that was cause for a tantrum. Which is what it is, a tantrum, like a small child wanting sweets.

If you want the relationship to work, go to therapy now. Personally I couldn't be bothered with the time already put into the relationship to then spend more time and money on something that obviously would not work to go, so we split up and now I just have a fun stalker who is just itching for a restraining order.

Any boy who is going to whine about something as trivial as a horse, should just go live with his mother for the rest of days. Jmo.
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## DancingArabian (Jul 15, 2011)

DuckDodgers said:


> My boyfriend is often disappointed when I decide to spend time at the barn instead of spending it with him. I'll go out to the barn in the evening sometimes, and he'll call me with a sad tone when he finds out that I'm out there. He's not upset that I'm into horses, just that he gets to spend less time with me once in awhile. He has his activities that take him away from me sometimes, and it just takes communication to make sure that one of us isn't think that we'll hang out in the evening, while the other one is planning on being at the barn or doing another activity. There have been occasions when I've skipped going to the barn to spend the day with him, and there's been times that he's skipped things for me. You can't be selfish (not saying that you have been!) and feel that you are able to go out during every free moment and not have it take a toll on your relationship. However, he needs to accept that he may regularly have to do without you for a good portion of the day.
> 
> Both of you need to try to communicate when you'll be free and when you aren't. Once in awhile suggest doing something together when you would normally go to the barn. Try to get home early enough to eat dinner with him and tell him what's going on at the barn. My boyfriend is not into horses, but when I get home I'll mention a few highlights from the trip. I think it goes a long way to making him feel included, and he knows that he's always encouraged to go out there with me.
> 
> ...



Couldn't you both plan to do your activities during the same time so then you're also free at the same time?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DuckDodgers (May 28, 2013)

DancingArabian said:


> Couldn't you both plan to do your activities during the same time so then you're also free at the same time?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could definitely try! Often times easier said than done though. If your lesson is at noon and his poker game is in the evening it's less doable. The problem that I think may be here is that she is gone to the barn for a good portion of her time (nothing wrong with that at all!) and that his activities take much less time. He gets home, she's still gone, he gets whiney.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tack Collector (Nov 10, 2009)

ChelseaAnibelle said:


> *He is sincerely jealous of my time spent with the horse and time spent at work *:/ I work 45-50 odd hour weeks, teaching kids about horses and sharing God at my work. And then I have to feed and train my horse. He works 40 hours a week, 9-5 and has hockey once or twice a week at like 8:00 PM, plus has online class twice a week. We're both kind of busy,* but he thinks that his stuff is more important and that I should be at home more. We talked and agreed to just fully seek God* in this time (not getting rid of my horse), and allow Him to bring peace between us, and allow us to swallow our pride. I've heard of that book though, the 5 Languages of Love, and I think I should look into it. Thank you!



Here is the problem: Religious guys like that use religion to control women. You are seen as the subordinate wife, you should be a homemaker, and your primary purpose is procreation, raising children, and always putting your own goals and wants dead last. 

As the others said, and I will say much more bluntly and without apology: If that is not the thumb you want live under for your entire life, get out now while you are young, and before you have any children with that man. They never change. Mostly they just get more passive-aggressive and may turn abusive.


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## tempest (Jan 26, 2009)

The first thought that came to my head after I read your OP was, "How much time are you spending with your husband?"
If you're spending all of your free time with your horse, then I understand where he is coming from and why he is not happy.


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## strawberry paint (Jul 5, 2012)

Just a quick thought....if he's complaining about you spending your time with the horse......what's going to happen if you have kids??

Kids can take up alot more time than your horse can....

If you do think about having children with him in the future....I recommend the two of you get some MC....otherwise his insecurities is going to escalate....and your marriage will become unhealthy.


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## natisha (Jan 11, 2011)

There's a reason God made a lot of men:wink:

It took me 5 years to find the last horse I bought. My current BF was found in a Tractor Supply parking lot when he offered to put salt blocks into my truck for me. So far he's been great accepting my life style but if he ever made me chose-he'd lose. He knows I'm set in my ways & that there are a lot of parking lots.
A partner should enhance your life, not be your life.


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## Saddlebag (Jan 17, 2011)

Oh, you married one of those who thinks his guy stuff is important while your stuff is frivolous. These guys are too stupid to realize a happy wifey makes a happy hubby. These guys are takers not givers. My sis married one and she was too stupid to ditch him. We get only one shot at our life on this earth so why spend it with someone who doesn't support you. My hubby was happy to haul hay, feed, etc. ok with vet bills but I made sure I spent time with him sharing what he enjoyed. (thank heavens it wasn't tv hockey or football)


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## NeryLibra (Oct 9, 2013)

The thing about marriage is that two people are accepting each other as a semi-permanent factor of their lives. Every fault, every strong-suit, every difference, every similarity is something this person should have accepted or should have been willing to accept before he proposed. These are all things you'll have to deal with until you file for a divorce (or, more optimistically, until death does you part.) He should have known about your passion for horses and your desire to get one. Contrarily, from your first post (My marriage has been extremely rocky ever since the mention of getting back into the equine industry came about 8 months or so ago. With the mention of that, I went forth into the equine world again and bought a horse.) It sounds like the decision was made by you and you alone, however that may NOT be the case. I don't know the whole story.

Sit down and talk with him first before you assume that he's as bad as he's made out to be in this thread. Communication fixes everything. Gauge what to do from that conversation. Maybe he's afraid of horses? Take him out to the barn, show him a good time. Maybe he's afraid you'll get hurt? Support him and make him feel secure that you /won't/ get hurt. Maybe he feels like you left him out of the financial decision and therefore thinks all those things he does? Apologize profusely and ensure to him that you'll include him in major financial decisions in the future. You're a couple now, a team. You should have included him in the horse hunt and money making decisions. (Again, just operating on what /could/ be the problem.) Find a happy medium. Go to his hockey things with him and provide incentive to take an interest in your hobby. Open the door, lead by example and provide room for success in this relationship by doing so. Don't just up and call it quits over this one rocky period, because your marriage *will not *last if you operate that way. Remember, the bond of marriage is supposed to last for the rest of your life. There's a TON of room for other rocky patches. Don't rule out couples counseling either.

Now if you've tried sitting down and talking to him, finding ways to compromise, tried the counseling, and see no change? That's when you have to re-evaluate his character and whether or not you want to be tethered to him for forever. Some men do manipulate their women to the point of no return, I would know. I've witnessed it several times in my family. Those types will gripe about horses until she quits, then she picks up a book club. He'll gripe about that until she quits, then she'll pick up a college class. He'll gripe about that until she quits. Eventually he has manipulated her into being a stay at home mother with no friends and no ambitions. It's THOSE guys you gotta ditch before those wedding bells even get a chance to ring. It's you who has to know when to quit feeding into him. 

And I do want to say that it's true - a marriage is to enhance your life and your separate lives don't disappear when you're dating or married. But you have to remember that a lot of people with insecurities demand more attention than others, what may be enough time spent together for you may not be enough time spent together for him. You have to find a happy medium that doesn't enable him to make your separate life disappear.


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## waresbear (Jun 18, 2011)

He has to be a little happy for you in your horse life or it's not going to be a happy or fulfilling union.


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## gunslinger (Sep 17, 2011)

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You have bad times, and he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
But if you love him, you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him, oh be proud of him
'Cause after all, he's just a man


Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man


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## franknbeans (Jun 7, 2007)

Well-I have a few thoughts here, and mine are a little different than some of the others. Having been married over 35 years I have learned a few things. Take it or leave it. This is the same advice I give my kids. If the person you are with is not more portent than your personal wants-you are with the wrong person. Years ago I put my needs before my DH. He built us a huge house, where the horses could be in the yard….a real dream house. For all of the WRONG reasons. Things do not make people happy Happiness comes from a deeper level of relationship. It took us separation and years of couples counseling to get our act back together. I love my horses-he is allergic to them, and understands now why I have them and love them. But-he also knows that he is ALWAYS first. Kids are second, animals are after that. He puts my needs and wants ahead of his own and I do the same. 
Whoever said you have to give 100% in marriage was wrong. You have to give at least 150%. And good communication is key. Spend the time and get it right.

I totally agree that some men use religion to control-my brother is one of them. Makes me sick. Please don't fall into that trap. You are your husband PARTNER, not his slave. But as a partner, you must do your part to support him, and he you. Go to a few of his hockey games and show an interest, perhaps.


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## my2geldings (Feb 18, 2008)

ChelseaAnibelle said:


> My marriage has been extremely rocky ever since the mention of getting back into the equine industry came about 8 months or so ago. With the mention of that, I went forth into the equine world again and bought a horse. My husband now thinks that the horse is more important than him, that I “idolize” horses, and that I would run over anyone to get my dream. While he comes from a wealthy family, I come from a less fortunate one, and I work my butt off to be able to have my dream. He’s extremely hurt by us not spending enough time together and blames the horse for everything, but he’s not willing to go to my work (a barn) to eat lunch with me or come and hang out with Ladybird and I. Has anyone else struggled with balancing a horse and a relationship? How did you go about fixing it?


Oh waw that is a really tough situation. I don't even know what to actually say or how to respond. I think he just needs to understand your passion and understand that its entirely different than your relationship with him. I would suggest going for couple's counsilling just to have someone help you talk about it, and have a non-bias person help you guys talk things thru.


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