# I need advice about me to my trainer desperately



## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I couldn't follow that. but, in general, when in doubt on something . . . . . sleep on it.


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

Maybe you act tough because of the way your old trainer treated you but you can't use that as an excuse for poor behavior. My son will do that, he'll behave badly and then blame it on a bad day or an argument he had earlier. That's not fair. You don't get to be mean or disrespectful to someone because of what another person did or something you experienced. Using past treatment as your excuse would be playing the victim card and THAT shows you are weak.

My advice to you is own up to it. Admit to your poor behavior, apologize for it and promise to make a conscious effort to change. Otherwise, you are just going down a rabbit hole...


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## SilverMaple (Jun 24, 2017)

Stop making excuses for how you act. Past treatment aside, your behavior and speech are on you. Own it and fix it, regardless of cause. Plenty of people have been belittled and mistreated without turning into brats. You can't control the rest of the world, but you can control yourself.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

[new trainer] doesn't need to know why you're acting the way you do, he just needs you to cut it out. Actions speak louder than words, and if your actions speak loudly that you have taken on a professional attitude in your interactions with him, he won't care one way or the other about [old trainer]. He'll just realize you have been doing a bit of growing up, be grateful that it happened sooner rather than later, and move on - enjoying a better relationship with you.


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

I see 2 problems from what I could gather from your post. #1 You're acting out because you're scared and trying to cover it up by being tough and #2 You're still not taking responsibility for being a turd. So, #1 apologize to the trainer for being a turd and tell him you won't let it happen again and then don't. #2 Tell him you're afraid of whatever it is, be it a horse, a trail, a jump, something about your abilities, whatever it is. He can not help you fix it if he doesn't know about it.


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## mkmurphy81 (May 8, 2015)

My advice is to actually write down exactly what you want to say -- on an actual piece of paper. Really think it through and make sure you don't forget anything. Then leave it on your desk for several hours or a full day. Come back later and reread it. Change it. Edit it. Then let it sit there again. Come back later and pretend you are your new trainer and you're in a bad mood. Reread it. Edit it. Rewrite it. Repeat as needed. Once your apology comes across clearly even if you pretend you're in the worst mood ever, and once your explanation of your fears includes all the details he needs without sounding like an excuse, then you can give it to him. Give it to him when he's not busy or when you're leaving a lesson. Don't stand there and watch him read it.
After that, it doesn't matter if he ever brings it up or not. However, he should notice a distinct change in your attitude.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

Here's an idea. Let it go and stop doing what you are doing. You act like you have absolutely no control over yourself. Your behavior is your choice not dictated by what someone else did that has nothing to do with the person that your behavior is directed to. It's one thing to have a bad day every once in a while and be crabby, it's another to be a jerk all of the time and come up with your reasons for it.


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## Joel Reiter (Feb 9, 2015)

You're getting some tough love from the gang here, Horsesr4life. I think I understand what you're saying in your post, but if you don't verbalize any better than you wrote it I sure wouldn't expect your trainer to follow it. It might be helpful, if you want advice, to give us an example of your "brat" behavior. And whatever it was, apologize for it specifically, not for brat behavior. Your trainer doesn't need to hear how your psychiatrist has uncovered the fact that your personality was disrupted because your mother was frightened by a rabbit when she was pregnant with you. He just needs to know you are aware you have behaved badly and are sorry for it.


And in defense of Horsesr4life, I'm getting really sick of hearing stories about trainers and riding instructors who bully their students. Riding a horse is the most terrifying thing that many people will ever do in their lifetime, and I've lost count of the number of people who've told me their only ride was a nightmare they will never risk repeating.


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## Horsesr4life (Jun 25, 2018)

Joel Reiter said:


> You're getting some tough love from the gang here, Horsesr4life. I think I understand what you're saying in your post, but if you don't verbalize any better than you wrote it I sure wouldn't expect your trainer to follow it. It might be helpful, if you want advice, to give us an example of your "brat" behavior. And whatever it was, apologize for it specifically, not for brat behavior. Your trainer doesn't need to hear how your psychiatrist has uncovered the fact that your personality was disrupted because your mother was frightened by a rabbit when she was pregnant with you. He just needs to know you are aware you have behaved badly and are sorry for it.
> 
> 
> And in defense of Horsesr4life, I'm getting really sick of hearing stories about trainers and riding instructors who bully their students. Riding a horse is the most terrifying thing that many people will ever do in their lifetime, and I've lost count of the number of people who've told me their only ride was a nightmare they will never risk repeating.


An example is that I’m always talking back if he tells me to do something like clean up the horde crap around the trailer or if he wants me to practice a drill I normally hate. I also complain a ton and fully admit I act spoiled a lot of the time. I do take responsibility and do admit that I have a bad attitude.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

I'm beginning to think that you have a psychological problem which would be better resolved by therapy than an internet discussion board. 

Here's what I'm hearing:

"I am extremely angry most the time. I can't stop myself from saying the first rude and angry thing that comes into my head. I realize how counterproductive that is, and even how irrational it is, and I'm ashamed of it, but I simply cannot seem to make myself stop. Nor do I truly understand why I am so angry."

Do you understand that this is something bigger than "I am a sassy teenager"? It doesn't have to do with being a teenager, it has to do with being you. 

I would suggest that you pursue the idea of getting therapy to work on understanding the roots of your emotions, and methods for impulse control and anger management.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

Seriously, you just apologize and stop doing it, it's that simple.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

Then there are the kids that are conditioned (along with everyone gets a trophy) to an apology fixes everything. When the apology isn't sincere then it doesn't mean jack crap. You know it isn't sincere when the person continues with the behavior whether it is toward (g) you or another. IME an apology has become simply acknowledgement of an offense, maybe combined with regret as a way to make amends. Regret is wishing things were done differently and feeling sad, hurt and even angry for SELF and not necessarily for person on the receiving end of your actions. There are kids that learn to change their behavior in order to not get caught in their bad behavior and avoid the consequences. These kids aren't learning not hurt other's feelings or not to cross established boundaries. Why? They believe everything they do is actually caused by someone else and does not originate with themselves. Remorse is accepting responsibility for the action, having empathy towards the person you hurt and moves the person to change their behavior to avoid the action that caused the hurt. Regret IME is a copout. We (g) are teaching our kids the words but not modeling the behavior that needs to follow. And yes, that is also a generalization.







Is it really bullying or is it entitlement or learned behavior to get out of something on the student's part driving the trainer's response? Without being there and knowing both parties it is really hard to make generalizations.


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## Joel Reiter (Feb 9, 2015)

Horsesr4life said:


> An example is that I’m always talking back if he tells me to do something like clean up the horde crap around the trailer or if he wants me to practice a drill I normally hate. I also complain a ton and fully admit I act spoiled a lot of the time. I do take responsibility and do admit that I have a bad attitude.



In that case, I would skip the apology and just work on your behavior. If you apologize and continue your rude and inconsiderate behavior, all you're saying to your trainer is "hey, I might be a real pain to be around, but I'm crazy too."


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## jaydee (May 10, 2012)

Thread closed for review


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