# New story! Critique!!



## Ebonyisforme (Oct 23, 2013)

Miracles are Real:

Chapter 1:

The roar of the screaming people in the stands pushes me along the outside of the third barrel. Urging Midnight to use her speed, we gallop toward the finish ling. Those few seconds seem like an eternity filled with pounding hooves and flying dust. I have reached my bubble of complete focus and determination. Crowds, yelling, scoreboards, nothing matters but Midnight and I. We cross the spray painted mark on the floor of the arena at exactly 15 seconds, guaranteeing me yet another championship win.

"And that's a flat 15 second run, looks like Melissa Wane has done it again! Melissa, if you can meet us at the box office after the steer wrestling, we'll have your prize ready for ya!" The announcer hollers into the microphone. I tune out as he announces the next event. As I unsaddle Midnight, I impatiently look toward the opening of the barn, waiting for the first in a stream of "Congratulations!" and "Good job's!" My best friend, Summer, like always, is there before the others.

She comes running through the doors and gives me a very uncomfortable hug. "Summer!" I gasp, "Let me put my tack down first!" Reluctantly, she releases me with a big sigh. I exaggeratedly walk extra slow in spite of her teasing foot tapping.

"Any second now." Summer smiles double cheesy. "I'd like to hug you today, if that would be okay." She says, mock angrily, as she stomps over, takes my tack out of my arms, and throws it on the saddle rack. I laugh, embracing her with a girly squeal.

Summer holds me at arms length, "I can't believe you did it again! Well, I mean, I can, but, oh! You know what I mean!" I giggle with her, knowing what she's going to say next, just like the last six championships. "Let's go get some ice cream to celebrate!" She shrieks excitedly. Tugging at my arms, she intends to pull me outside and off to the downtown ice cream parlor.

"Wait! Hold on! I have to finish with Midnight, see my parents, go home and change, and THEN we can go get ice cream!" I pull away, heading back to the cool barn, ignoring some very exaggerated "Ughs" behind me and walk extra sassy just to rub it in. As I am brushing Midnight's beautiful dark coat, my mom and dad walk in.

Dad pats me on the shoulder with a smile while Mom squeezes me so hard, I've lost any hope o breathing. "We are so proud of you!" Mom says, letting go of me. "Now, your Father and I will finish with Midnight and bring her home. I want you to go get dressed and the go get some ice cream, you hear?: Her striking blue eyes twinkle as she grins wildly at me.

I fake a sigh before running out the door with Summer, yelling our thanks behind us. We sprint down the sidewalk. Panting, we try to keep up a conversation, "So..I got this...mare last...week. She's a...four year old....bay with great....potential to be a....champion barrel...racer. The only problem is...that whenever we lope, she....bucks. She won't....listen to me, but once...you get her going, she is amazing! I....was hoping you could...help me out?" Summer asks between gasps of air. She is clearly out of options, so, I agree. "You're...the best!" Summer grins.

"I can come over....Wednesday after school...if you want." I casually offer. To be honest, I can't wait to play with a horse other than Midnight. I mean, I love her to death, but I just want something different. Something new and exciting for a bit. We decide that I will sleep over at her house Tuesday night so I can work with her horse for a couple hours Wednesday, as long as our parents are okay with it. "Just don't be...expecting me to....work miracles, okay?"

"Oh, yeah! Definitely! So, you want...to break tradition....and go get some...pizza instead?" Summer asks. She glances over at me as we slow down to a walk in front of the red and white pizza plaza.

I give her my "Are you crazy?" look before responding, "Uh, duh! What kind of question is that?" Summer grabs my hand before dancing through the white doors.

We sit down at one of the striped window booths. Summer orders one pepperoni and some bread sticks while I text Mom and let her know we decided to go out for pizza instead. I look up from my phone just in time to see the annoying Chase Lewis. "Really, he's here?" I say, very much disappointed.

"What's your deal with him, anyway?" Summer looks over to the group of high school boys playing table football. "He seems....nice." She says, dreamily. A yell erupts from their table and I glance over in disgust. Chase catches my eye and winks.

"Ugh! That's my problem! All the girls like him for no reason. He thinks he's all that! Like, if he winks, I'm gonna fall at his feet and beg him to take me or something!" Ranting about his imperfections, I fail to realize where my smoothie is and knock it over with my extravagant hand gestures. We explode into laughter as I begin to clean up the mess. It drips from everything; the table, bench, my hands, everything.

A hand holds out a clean napkin and I take it before realizing who it comes from. I look into the face of my helper. Chase smiles down at me, gorgeous blue eyes shining. Ew! I can not believe I just let myself think that! "Don't you have anything better to do?" I snap, furious at myself for thinking that, even for a second, Chase had something good going for him. Clearly, he doesn't.

"Better than watching the beautiful Lissa cover herself in banana smoothie? Hmm...let me think. No, no I don't." He pulls another napkin out of the dispenser and passes it to me. Grudgingly, I take the new napkin and bend underneath the table to clean the floor. Of course, Summer just sits there, gawking over the egotistic, self-loving, slightly cute, idiot I am forced to associate with.

Finally getting the rest cleaned up, I hand the soaking, sticky napkins to Chase, who, for some reason, is still standing there. "Here, make yourself useful and take care of these." Summer shoots me her "As soon as we're alone, you're dead." look, which I shrug off.

"Whatever you wish, Your Highness." Chase sarcastically says, bowing comically. He leaves, shaking his head ever so slightly. Summer cheerily waves goodbye before turning her attention to me, all the happiness out of her face.

"I can't believe you actually just did that! What is your problem?" She whispers the way she always does when really mad. I roll my eyes and look away. Like she would understand.

"Summer. I hate him. He's so full of himself, selfish, pompous, and a real jerk." I state matter-of-factly. Looking her in the eyes, I silently beg her to agree with me. She doesn't

Summer grabs her purse, looks me straight in the eyes, an says, "Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking about you right now." Before walking out the swinging doors, furious. Leaving me to eat our pizza by myself.


What do you think?:lol:


----------



## Red Gate Farm (Aug 28, 2011)

I was hoping you'd work on the other one. It was going in an interesting direction, had time travel, some plot twists and wasn't bad, really. It just needs more work. If you are going to be an author, you'll have to rewrite your manuscripts a lot.

Do you have an outline before you start your stories or do you just sit down and start writing and see where it will go?


----------



## Ebonyisforme (Oct 23, 2013)

I don't know, I guess I could work on both... 

It depends on the story. This one, I outlined everything I wanted to happen. In the other one, I just sat down. I knew i wanted her to have her wish granted but she was going to be a princess. When I made her the evil queen, I surprised myself. Same when she finds Evelyn. I don't know...it seems like it is a lot of work, more so than starting over. I go back and read it and it just sounds so immatre and the characters are all flat....


----------



## Red Gate Farm (Aug 28, 2011)

That's a good step towards making it better then! 

Who is your target audience? Teens? Adults? Pre-teens?

In this story, I find a lot of teenage angst, but remember, I'm a 57 year old woman so I'm reading it from my perspective. If it's meant for pre teens or teens, they may like it a lot more and relate to it more. If that's your audience, hopefully some of the teens on this board will read it and give you feedback


----------

