# Training a little donkey to attack



## Dressage10135 (Feb 11, 2009)

I seriously hope this is a joke.


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## HowClever (Feb 16, 2010)

What....I don't even....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wheatermay (Aug 22, 2011)

JEEZ people he's joking! LOL! I got a laugh at it!


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## Spyder (Jul 27, 2008)

AmazinCaucasian said:


> I got a new project and I need some help. Last Friday I traded a **** dog and a used chainsaw for a miniature Jack. He probably weighs about 183 pounds. The thing is, he loves to fight. He's really aggressive to all animals, including dogs. He bites, kicks, and stomps at pretty much anything that moves. My horses have become terrified of him even though they weigh roughly 6 times as much as him. When he rolls up on them, they quiver and shake. I have actually seen him bite my big gelding and hang from his neck till he screamed. The scream must have hurt the donkey's big ears because he turned loose.
> 
> So I don't want to castrate the little guy. I was thinking I could train him to attack. It would be very useful and I came up with some great ideas already!
> 
> ...



You want an "attack Jack" ???

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## equiniphile (Aug 16, 2009)

****! You had me for a minute....staring wide-eyed at the computer screen, hand twitching towards the phone for AC! You should've waited for April Fools, though--given me some advance notice :rofl:


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## mysticalhorse (Apr 27, 2011)

Love the idea of keeping him in the back of your truck!!! Alarm jack!
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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

An "attack Jack" - that's great! Ornery little ******s, may as well use his talents to your advantage 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

*Attack Jack Update*

UPDATE>>>>>Ok I was very excited of the possibility of taking donk with me in my truck, so I stayed up all night fabricating tie-hooks and making him a little crash helmet and goggles. So this morning we made our maiden voyage to town to show off. He rode very well, leaning into curves, etc. But when we got to town we stopped at the fillin' station to air up my back tire. That's when things went horribly wrong.

I had to pull the air hose over the bed-sides(under attack jack's belly) to reach the flat tire. Turns out there was a leak in the hose that spewed poor donkey's belly. He evacuated the truck but was chained to the big toolbox. It came out with him and the unit became a donk-toolbox-air hose tornado spinning across the parking lot at lightning speed. Horrible crashing sounds echoed through the town as the tools and box crashed off the vehicles, soda machines, and gas pumps! He relentlessly kicked the toolbox with his front feet, but it wouldn't die. It just kept rattling and "chasing" him. It was one of the most spectacular wrecks I've had all week!!

Now keep in mind this is Sunday morning and all the church people were in town. I was very disappointed when nobody offered to help! They just looked at me like they never saw anything like that before. In fact, I didn't have ANY help until the city cop showed up. And he threatened to taser my Jack! An altercation ensued, and I got his taser. So some of these town folks are mad because their vehicles got a few "dents" and "scratches" but donkey was unharmed, thanks to his crash helmet and goggles!!! 

So anyone know where I can git some donkey insurance?


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## ShutUpJoe (Nov 10, 2009)

ROFLMAO! That's awesome. I can read the headlines now, 


"*** Attacks Town"


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## Spyder (Jul 27, 2008)

AmazinCaucasian said:


> So anyone know where I can git some donkey insurance?


I heard that the *****-urance Co of America may be able to help.:rofl::rofl:


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## mbender (Jul 22, 2009)

Wow, what an imagination. I was seriously getting heated when I first read this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShutUpJoe (Nov 10, 2009)

I was too! I was like.. .Who? What? Ohh... lol


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## Appyfreak (Oct 22, 2010)

Great idea! I bet you could make Millions, as a "hit donkey". 20K to take him to your ex's house, and turn him loose. 
First wash you dog, then bottle stinky dog water. Stalk intended evil ex, "bump into them" spray with stinky dog water. Turn doggy hating donkey loose.
Should above idea work, I expect a 20% royalty for my idea!


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## Allison Finch (Oct 21, 2009)

I seen a lot of people have *** attacks!!


Personally, after having seen your ***...I don't think he is up to the job










I remember when you tried to get him to pull that cart full of feed bags and he proved such a wimp!!












HOWEVER, if you do manage to train him to be vicious, don't forget to post warning signs....


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Attack Jack update!!!!

After our episode Sunday we came home to re-group. I jumped attackjack out of the truck bed and tied him to the rearview mirror. Went inside to get some peanut brittle and Mountain Dew(attackjack loves it). As we were enjoying our mid-afternoon snack, I got a call from the city police station inviting me to NOT bring my donkey inside city limits ever. 

So we're workin' over this bag of peanut brittle and I hear horses coming up the road. It's my neighbor and her riding buddy. Let me describe my neighbor.....She's a middle-aged caucasian which stands about 6'2 and her conformation is similar to a weeble-wobble (you know, weeble-wobble that won't turn over). She's usually dressed in a purple sweatsuit and it looks like Barney the cartoon dinosaur. Like her belly just kinda swims around her when she walks. She rides a 13 hand starve-gutted buckskin mare that's always in heat. When I see her comin', I always think she should get off and let the horse ride awhile. Her riding partner is about 5'2 and weighs 20 pounds. I call her "Anorexia Amber" So Amy rides an enormous gray gelding with a very strong flight instinct. Amber calls him "spirited", but that's just her way of saying he's a RUNAWAY! All four legs are permanently scarred and calcified from running through fences. He's equally lame on a four legs, so he travels sound. 

CONTINUED.......


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

So they ride up to the house to say hi. I notice "Barney" has a little yipyip dog on the saddle with her. It was one of those skillet-face Pekineese little dogs. Never stops barking. Nobody will go to their house because of this dog. So they stop and get off their horses to visit. Barney TIES THE DOG TO THE SADDLE HORN!!! With about a 10 foot rope I might add. 

Knowing that a wreck was imminent, I asked Anorexic Amber if she needed to borrow my pistol to stop her horse in case he decided to perform one of his famous high-speed evacuations. She didn't laugh. Needless to say, the lap-dog-tied-to-the-saddle-horn idea soon turned ugly. The energetic little dog ran around and around the little mare's hind legs until he ran out of rope. The mare realized she was fouled and the wreck began. She kicked up with both back feet and bounced the dog into the air. But he was wrapped good and came hard right back into her legs. This began a horrible sequence. Every time the horse kicked, the dog sprung back and hit the back of her legs. Soon the mare was kicking at the speed of about 4 beats per second. It looked like the toy I used to have as a kid that was a wooden paddle with an elastic string and rubber ball. 

Attack Jack had behaved pretty well till this point. But he does like action. He pulled hard on the lead rope and the rearview mirror failed. When I realized he was loose, I knew what he was gonna do next. So I did some quick thinking and figgered I could take advantage of the situation since he was gonna attack anyway. If I gave him the cue at the right time, he'd understand. So right before he nailed the dog, I yelled "ATTACK"!!! 


CONTINUED.......


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Attack Jack's first initial strike was a spectacular leap and mid-air pit-bull-style grab on the pup. For an instant, he was in mid-air with the dog in his mouth, swinging from the mare's hind legs as she kicked. Soon the dog collar broke and the pooch was free. But not for long! As the little dog scrambled for freedom, the donkey pounced at him like a cheetah. He didn't stop until the dog quit moving. I was both sad and proud at the same time. 

As we turned our attention from the dog, we noticed the mare was still fouled. She was free from the puppy, but the rope was wrapped tight. And she was fighting too violently for us to run in and cut the rope. Soon she tripped and fell on her side. Donkeys are opportunistic creatures, and attack jack knew what he needed to do next. He had that ole mare bred before we could stop him. Bred her laying flat on her side with her back legs hobbled together against her will. 

In the meantime, the big runaway gelding had lost his mind and ran off, busted through the , out the other side, crashed a fence and got tangled in 4 strands of gaucho wire. As I led my donkey back to the pasture, I heard Anorexia Amber yell, "Hey, you still got that pistol?"





 

He looks proud of himself, huh?


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## Tayz (Jan 24, 2009)

LOL u had me going for a moment


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

haha, that's really my donkey in the vid though


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## mbender (Jul 22, 2009)

That's awesome AC. Keep this up. Totally enjoy this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mysticalhorse (Apr 27, 2011)

ROTFLMBO!!! Priceless, keep the story going!
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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Well if you remember the last time I posted AttackJack had violated my neighbor's mare while she was fouled in my driveway. 

I'm not sure who was madder, the mare or the owner. 

So I figured since she's had a couple days to cool off, I'd give her a call to tell her she owes me a stud fee for the donkey breeding. You could say she was mad (if you couldn't think of a stronger word). She quickly became very irrational and loud, then I guess her phone lost signal or the battery went dead. 

I decided to take AttackJack to the neighbor's and train him to attack their cows (while they were gone to work). So I grabbed my donkey and shock collar and headed out. About mid-way through our session, I saw the mad woman that owes me a stud fee drive up and stop. I think she'd been drinking and she was still visibly upset. Told me if I was charging her a stud fee, she was charging me child support. 

continued......


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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

AC, this is great! You might consider publishing this:rofl:

Reminds me a bit of Baxter Black's stories.


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

I love Baxter Black! My dad is the best at stories. I've told him for years he should write a book. He has 30 years of shoeing stories he tells with very colorful detail!!


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Before I continue, let me explain my donkey training philosophy. I believe you must make the signal/cue simple and easy to understand. Make the right thing comfortable and the wrong thing uncomfortable. Electricity is uncomfortable to donkeys. So that's why I use the shock collar. When I want the donk to attack, I simply hold the button down until he attacks. It might be 2 seconds, it might be 5 minutes. But the instant he attacks, I let off the button. It's simple pressure and release. The technique has worked flawlessly. Early in the week I went to the pawn shop in town and traded a Ninetendo and some 36" TSL Super Swamper mud tires for a mannequin. I wrapped the mannequin in 4 rolls of gorilla tape to make it more durable and bite-resistant. It's become a valuable donkey training device. Just hung it from a tree push that little button till I git the desired response!

Continued......


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

:rofl: OMG, this is friggin hilarious!!!


Especially considering that I, too, have a miniature used-to-be-jack. I know exactly how...opinionated and determined they can be :lol:.

(couldn't see the vid, though, it's set to private)


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

So I'll get back to the story now. The big woman and I are standing in the gravel road and as the conversation becomes increasingly heated, I noticed AttackJack is sensing the tension. His little hooves are prancing in place and his long ears are pinned back. When the big lady stepped at me like she was challenging me to a duel, I distracted her by pointing at her right and hollering "FRENCH FRIES"!!! When she looked, I released the mighty AttackJack. He sprung from his little feet at her, grabbing the side of her fleshy neck with his teeth. The momentum of 183 pounds of flying donkey threw her to the ground hard. The ground vibrated under my feet as the donkey performed a seemingly choreographed stomp-dance on my large lady neighbor's lifeless body.

As quick as it started, it was over. In only a few days, my adorable pet donkey had become a fine-tuned fighting machine.


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

I'll try to post it again


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## smrobs (Jul 30, 2008)

Aha, worked that time. He's quite the adorable, cheeky looking little ******.


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## Wheatermay (Aug 22, 2011)

AmazinCaucasian said:


> When the big lady stepped at me like she was challenging me to a duel, I distracted her by pointing at her right and hollering "FRENCH FRIES"!!! .


ROFL! OMGoodness! a fat joke!?!?! Not gonna lie I laughed!!! HEHE!


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Since the decline of the used horse market, poverty has set in. So I was conjurin' up some ideas. Kinda some "get rich quick" schemes. Hope you guys will let me know what you think.

1. Thinkin' I can rent my attackjack to local police agencies. Or maybe "Dog The Bounty Hunter" to apprehend criminals. He could be famous!

2. I could open up a fancy donkey training facility and call it "The Touch of Love Caring Heart Donket Haven Resort and Spa" To be competitive these days you have to make everything sound gentle. I'll re-name the shock collar. It'll be called the savvy fur tickler.


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

UPDATE

With Attackjack's great success in catch training, I have signed a contract with the sheriff's department and am now training him to sniff out and sic crackheads. With the donkey's superior night-vision I reckon we can send him in the crack houses in the dark and maybe surprise attack some tweakers in their sleep! Oh, ****, I forgot they don't sleep.........Abort mission.....

I have purchased a motorcycle and sidecar for speedy emergency arrivals. The donkey should fit snugly in the sidecar and hopefully not jump out. But if he does, the police-issued kevlar vest should keep the road rash to a minimum


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## Day Mares (Jul 16, 2011)

Ha ha ha :lol:


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## kevinshorses (Aug 15, 2009)

I think YOU should write a book. I laughed so hard I was crying.


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## nuisance (Sep 8, 2011)

Do you trust Attack Jack enough to tie him up near that big propane tank? Talk about a missle.... or do you have it pointed at Cuba?


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## MHFoundation Quarters (Feb 23, 2011)

Hey AC, I found your donk. This is my daughter's all time favorite song, we had to listen to it and I immediately thought of you!


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Kevinshorses-Thanks! I never considered a book, but my mom writes so I might check in to it. Thanks again!

Nuicance-Never realized it till now but it's kinda pointed at my neighbors

MHFoundation Quarters-That's a good find!


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## kevinshorses (Aug 15, 2009)

My kids loved the Wonkey Donkey song!


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## ladybugsgirl (Aug 12, 2009)

I was just gonna say the same thing...is this a joke. I wondered cuz when you said youd use him to keep mean horses away...uhhh wasnt he doing that already with all horses...  donkeys are cute
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## lacyloo (Jul 1, 2008)

More please?


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## Legend (Nov 15, 2011)

:lol: ROFL... Subbing for more


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## kait18 (Oct 11, 2011)

omg at first before i read the other posts i thought you were a crazy person lol but that was hysterical!!! i am still laughing. i absolutely loved it


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## JLynn (Jun 20, 2011)

You're kidding, right? Why on earth would you keep an animal like that at all, let alone with your horses? And then train it to attack? At the very least, that's a law suit waiting to happen.


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## kevinshorses (Aug 15, 2009)

JLynn said:


> You're kidding, right? Why on earth would you keep an animal like that at all, let alone with your horses? And then train it to attack? At the very least, that's a law suit waiting to happen.


You might want to read more than the first post!


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## JLynn (Jun 20, 2011)

You're absolutely right! My humble apologies. As I read on I nearly died laughing...good thing I already went to the pottie! Love that Barney description. At one point I had to stop reading cuz my tummy was starting to hurt from laughing so hard. I agree, you absolutely MUST write a book...I'd certainly buy it.


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

I'll try to git an update done tonight


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Well since my last update the AttackJack has proved to be a valuable asset for the farm. Some of the things I've found he's good for:

-He works as a mobile twitch to restrain colts for clipping and doctoring

-He's good at making dogs be quiet

-I made a little cart for him to pull that holds my beer cooler, so he follows me everywhere with cold beer for me to drink

(Pulling the little beer buggy also increases his stamina and legs him up for more explosive attacks)

He also has a kind side. He has the run of the place and he gets my slippers at night and fetches the newspaper for me in the morning. We just have to keep a corn muzzle on him when company comes over due to his strong protective instincts. My wife knitted him a nice sweater and embroidered "Mr. Nibbles" on the back. We give him table scraps and I supplement him with peanut brittle and put energy drinks in his water bowl. Or sweet tea if we're low on funds at the time. 

He does have a few habits we need to work on. He kills pigs. He kills cats. He kills bunnies. He kills goats. And he kills baby calves. Other than that, he's pretty good with other animals.


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

Oh I almost forgot, I have a vertically-challenged midget friend that's pretty short. But AttackJack's kind of a midget too. So I been letting Marco ride him. I don't worry too much about the donkey hurting Marco because midgets are very strong and quick. 

At first AttackJack was very skeptical just because Marco looks so different than any person he had ever seen. But he only bucked for about 7 or 8 minutes before he stopped. Boy, it's amazing the beating a little midget's body can withstand. 

Pretty soon Marco had him where he could shoot his pistol off him. I won't lie to ya, it was pretty funny to watch him try to shoot off that donkey at first! The donkey was a-scramblin', the midget was a-hoopin' and a-hollerin'. Anyway, Marco got him semi-gun-broke and rode him in the parade last week in town and I didn't know he was bringing his pistol. There were some minor injuries and some lawsuits pending. But I'm gonna bring Marco with me to court and tell him to look real sorry. Then I'm pretty sure we'll get off easy


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## Rowzy (Mar 1, 2010)

This is hilarious. Subscribing


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## JLynn (Jun 20, 2011)

*YOU ARE A RIOT!!! *I will have to go to the beginning so that I can read it to my husband and watch him literally laugh so hard he'll cry!


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## kevinshorses (Aug 15, 2009)

You can always make a story funnier if you add a midget!!


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

I think that if you really want to get rich, you should hire "Mr. Nibbles" out to the crack dealers to protect them from the cops. They make much more money that our law enforcement officers do, so they would surely pay well. I would be cautious about letting him hang out with them too much without supervision. Can you imagine Mr. Nibbles on crack?


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## AmazinCaucasian (Dec 10, 2010)

I like your logic celeste. I don't like cops anyway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

I bet I could make a fortune with a cop hating attack donkey here in Georgia!


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## DuffyDuck (Sep 27, 2011)

SUBBING. I need more AC, MORE! I'm bored in work lol!!


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## Celeste (Jul 3, 2011)

AC has not been posting as often as he should. It seems that donkey training is extremely hazardous to the health. He was recently seen on top of a fire tower, with a donkey at the base. Emergency crews have so far been unable to approach....................


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