# Old lady Unwelcome



## Tracyfl7 (Dec 1, 2018)

May be doing this forum stuff wrong too..
Hello All! Just turned 55 (Gasp!) and just got a horse for the first time in forever. Any and everything is SO changed about horses! I guess we all advance!

I had a difficult time with the people at the last stable I boarded at. It was a pasture board and basically everyone out at the farm decided they were going to all dislike me. I truly don’t know what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t being the tiniest bit “grumpy”. At any rate after a year there I was so unhappy (everyone gave me the cold shoulder when I got to farm and made sure to let me know they didn’t like me) that I found a new more private place to board. There is only one other girl there and she too is very standoffish but I am no longer trying to make friends I just want to have peace and I do have peace!

Being my age I really would have liked to find another person to trail ride with because I don’t think I should be off by myself what being an old lady and all!

I appreciate the chance to “gripe”. I know I am being silly but wondered if others had issues like this (I realize many people will tell me to just buck up!)


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

Some people are just a little reserved when meeting new people, I know I am. I wait to see what you're made of before I decide if I like, dislike or tolerate. If, after a year, not even one person has warmed up to you, then I'd have to say you need to do some digging to find out why. I recently had a conversation with someone who used to be at the same trainer's that I'm at, she had no clue why she was so disliked. Actually, she wasn't even tuned in enough to be aware that she WAS disliked. She wanted to come board at my place and was shocked when I told her absolutely not, and told her why. Hopefully, I at least did her that much good that she won't get kicked out of her next boarding facility. 

I don't know you, so obviously can't say what you may or may not be doing that's causing people to stay away. But if you've just gotten back into horses after a long hiatus, I suspect you need some help and would recommend getting with a trainer for at least a couple of months to learn all the new things available to horse owners. You may inadvertently be telling people you don't want their help, you may be being rude in some of the things that you do or don't do and don't even know that you are. People may be watching your interaction with your horse and seeing you do something that makes them say, "Stay away, this is a train wreck waiting to happen.". 

Welcome to the forum, I suspect you'll learn a lot here. We tend to say what we're thinking and can be pretty blunt, but most of us mean well.


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## Hondo (Sep 29, 2014)

Hi Kid! I was 72 when I got my first horse and will turn 77 in a few days.

One thing I've learned about long time experienced horse people is that they often have beliefs and opinions deeply embedded in there essential being.

While they may get into a heated debate with a peer of equal experience, they may often dismiss with disdain ideas or arguments from those they feel are unqualified to even have an opinion about many things horse. Not all are this way, but their presence in not an unusual occurrence by any means.

On the flip side, perhaps a person has had experience from the long ago past and tries to suggest that this is the way we used to do it. That won't work with a lot of horse people either. They've developed their ways and beliefs and will not tolerate suggestions from those that have not been in the horse world for some time.

I do, myself, have a problem at times of looking at others in a critical way rather than being more open and accepting towards them. I do have to be constantly on guard with myself regarding this and do not always succeed.

If it is everyone that is not liking you, I would very respectfully suggest perhaps, while stressing the two words suggest and perhaps, some soul searching of your own feelings toward the people that seem not to like you. If you can find something in each of those people that you can either like or admire and try to keep that thought in your mind when at the barn, it "may" be that their attitude towards you gradually becomes much better.

Everyone likes to be liked and admired, but keep it honest and don't over do it lest it is decided you are trying to manipulate.

These thoughts I know may or may not have zilch to do with your situation. It's just the first thoughts that came to my mind.


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## farmpony84 (Apr 21, 2008)

The big thing you have to remember is... Horse people are crazy.

You remember that and the rest is cake...


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## Hondo (Sep 29, 2014)

farmpony84 said:


> The big thing you have to remember is... Horse people are crazy.
> 
> You remember that and the rest is cake...


Hee hee. Says it all


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## boots (Jan 16, 2012)

Many times people with horses that board have little time to spend with their horse. And the time they do get is very precious to them. Some people just don't want to socialize when they get to the barn. They just want peace and quiet and horse time. 

Others who board may be serious competitors and are also short on time. 

Perhaps there is a trail riding group in your area that you could join?


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## carshon (Apr 7, 2015)

I agree with others. What I have found is that Facebook is a great way to meet up with folks. There is a group on FB called "Old Cowgirls Never Die" and they have a log of each state with member cities and I have found this a great way to meet new like minded people to ride with. The one caveat there is that you have to have a truck and trailer so you are able to go to meet folks.

And a side note - I am 48 yrs old but one of the wonderful ladies I ride with just turned 76 in Sept and she rides more than I do! So age is just a number when you have a passion for riding.


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## mslady254 (May 21, 2013)

I got my first horse at 57. While I've found most horse/barn folks to be friendly and helpful, I'm sure that any group of people can have 'clques' that newcomers wouldn't be easily welcomed into. It might be insightful to know just how many people you are referring to when you say 'everyone' at that barn. If the other person at the new barn is standoffish, I agree with all that @boots has said. I am personal friends with the property owner where I board and although I love spending time with her and talking, and I feel like I"m being rude if I go straight out to the pasture without going inside to talk to her....somedays...often, actually, I really want to spend the little bit of time that I have just being with Sonny. (It's so great when my time there happens to coincide with a time that she is also outside doing things with her horse,,and I can socialize with her *while* doing things with Sonny) . Honestly, some folks just don't like dealing with 'newbies' and I did have a friend tell me once that another person didn't like trail riding with some of the rest of us because 'they need too much help'. We (interesting that she lumped about 6 of us together in an annoying group) did just fine on our rides , and we had only ridden with her once. ONE of our group did have some issues that ride, so I guess that's what she was referring to. 

At any rate, welcome to the HF, and glad that you found a place where you feel more comfortable. I saw on your other thread that a couple of HF folks are possibly close enough to ride with,,,maybe that will work out for you!


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Welcome to the Forum and horse ownership!! 


I've had horses most of my life, since age 11 or so, but was riding others before that. Always has been a passion...and an easy way to stay broke :frown_color:

Really there is not enough information to be able to figure out why folks were so unfriendly at your last place. Were they unfriendly to each other too? 

There are many unwritten rules at boarding stables, and each is unique. Best to find a place that is first of all safe for your horse, that has facilities that fit your needs, and if possible a friendly person or two. 

If trail riding is what you would like to do, then try to find a barn that is focused on trail riding and you will most likely find more people with interests in common.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Age is really just a number. I would ride with you if I were closer.

I am only 27, but when I am at the barn, I tend to stay to myself too. I talk to people, I mean I am nice, I say hi, we chat a bit, but then I go back to my horse. After all, that's the reason why I am there!  There's no drama where I am at now, but I know how some people can be. In the past, I've had many people act snobby or just plain rude. 

But, some people just like to keep to themselves. Have you tried talking to them? 
I wouldn't stress over it honestly. As long as YOU have peace, that's all that matters. 

Welcome to the forum, by the way. :welcome:


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> I recently had a conversation with someone who used to be at the same trainer's that I'm at, she had no clue why she was so disliked. Actually, she wasn't even tuned in enough to be aware that she WAS disliked. She wanted to come board at my place and was shocked when I told her absolutely not, and told her why. .



This story rather shocks me. You refused to have a person board just because she wasn't liked by other people? Was she doing something wrong or unsafe? 

Not being popular doesn't seem to be enough of a reason to refuse to board a horse...I'll take a prompt paying person with an easy to deal with horse over a popular person any day. But then I have always been one to champion the underdogs


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

AnitaAnne said:


> This story rather shocks me. You refused to have a person board just because she wasn't liked by other people? Was she doing something wrong or unsafe?
> 
> Not being popular doesn't seem to be enough of a reason to refuse to board a horse...I'll take a prompt paying person with an easy to deal with horse over a popular person any day. But then I have always been one to champion the underdogs


I left out all the gory details. Let's just leave it at, I personally saw abusive practices with her horse, refusing to listen when less abusive practices were given, and repeated episodes of her using the tack & grooming areas and leaving a disaster behind for other boarders to clean up. I cleaned up behind her more than once. She wasn't unpopular, she was flat out disliked. Her abusive ways got her thrown out of that barn and the next 2 she went to.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Dreamcatcher Arabians said:


> I left out all the gory details. Let's just leave it at, I personally saw abusive practices with her horse, refusing to listen when less abusive practices were given, and repeated episodes of her using the tack & grooming areas and leaving a disaster behind for other boarders to clean up. I cleaned up behind her more than once. She wasn't unpopular, she was flat out disliked. Her abusive ways got her thrown out of that barn and the next 2 she went to.


Oh yes, that is a completely different side of things! Abusive and inconsiderate is not the same as just disliked.


I was at one barn and the "group" disliked a fellow boarder because she never stopped to chat with them. She would arrive, tack up, ride, clean up horse and leave. She was disliked and they talked about her behind her back, but she never did anything wrong...


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## Dreamcatcher Arabians (Nov 14, 2010)

AnitaAnne said:


> Oh yes, that is a completely different side of things! Abusive and inconsiderate is not the same as just disliked.
> 
> 
> I was at one barn and the "group" disliked a fellow boarder because she never stopped to chat with them. She would arrive, tack up, ride, clean up horse and leave. She was disliked and they talked about her behind her back, but she never did anything wrong...


That woman would be my ideal border. Not high maintenance at all. But this kid.....yeah, I don't need that kind of headache.


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## Knave (Dec 16, 2015)

Maybe the new person just takes a bit to get to know. I am timid with people I don’t know, and to be honest probably many of the people I do know. I just get nervous is all. 

I’d give her the benefit of the doubt in any case. Once we are grown we don’t care about age right?


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## Cedar & Salty (Jul 6, 2018)

I have no response better than Deamcatcher's response above. Generally, if you have a problem getting along with "everyone" in multiple settings, you are the problem. I would recommend some thoughtful consideration of how you could be contributing to the situation.

A few observations specifically related to my presence and observations in the horse world:

First and foremost, I stay far, far away from people with horse handling habits that I deem unsafe. I don't feel it's my place to offer unsolicited advice on riding or horsemanship, but I'm 50 years old, the main bread winner for my family, and value my well being and my horses' safety. I won't share an arena with someone with a crazy horse or unsafe riding habits. I won't be on the ground near someone with poor horsemanship that would endanger their horse, my horses or me.

Don't offer unsolicited advice or go on and on about your method or guru. Let others ask for help or advice. Ask others for their advice and be open to different ways of doing things.

I tend to be "all business" at the barn. I absolutely love being there. It is my happy place. I am ridiculously obsessed with my horses. I am on the anxious side and am always hyperfocused on routine, safety and being happily present, mindful and in the moment. I'm polite and friendly. I will stop and chat for a moment. I will ride with others that I deem pleasant and safe, but I am at the barn to ride and care for my horses, and not necessarily to gossip, badmouth, or make endless small talk.

I have found that many people who are drawn to horses have some degree of introversion and/or social anxiety. Frankly, I'm in my own head a lot of the time. I have excellent professional and superficial social skills, but generally lack the desire or skills to approach others to make meaningful friendships or relationships. Honestly, others have to approach me multiple times and with obvious intentions before it dawns on me that they want to be friends.

Finally, and this is minor... if you always lead with the "age" thing, that would bug me. I'm 50, but don't consider myself particularly young or old. There are plenty of middle aged women who ride, some new and some lifelong riders One of the best things about horsemanship is that it transcends age, ideology, economics, geography... people who love horses are my people. My oldest active horse friend right now is 74. My youngest horse friend (not acquaintance) is 9. My (gruff, *******, 6'4") husband has been "friended" by a chatty 5 year old at our barn and she always finds him, chats him up and bosses him around. Ha ha

My best advice is to show up, be safe, be helpful and kind, but refrain from offering unsolicited advice. Smile, ask if you can be included if others are riding out. Be mindful of any habits you have that may be off-putting to others. Above all, enjoy your horse!

With all respect.... and welcome to the forum.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I ride out of a smallish barn; like a dozen boarders? I think we have the nicest, no-drama barn I've ever ridden out of. We welcome everyone. That said, not everyone who comes fits into the group as well as others. Some folks dont' WANT to be cozy and friendly, so we give them their space. What's hard is when a new boarder comes and is SO talkative that WE no longer have any space. that person is so chatty that once you press the "on' button, you can't find the 'off' button, to put it bluntly. then no one else can get a word in edgewise.

You know what I mean? I mean, the new person can be as sweet and as nice as they come, but if they talk incessantly, I am leary of even striking up a conversation, not knowing how long I'll be snagged up in it. I'm usually wanting to get going, get my horse, tack up and get out before the weather shifts. I'm pretty self sufficient, too. Though I'm happy to help, really, there are limits to how much time one has to offer.


I'm working hard on learnind to not offer unsolicited advice, so a new person who isn't into that sort of approach could rub folks the wrong way.


As I said, my group is made up of exceptionally nice people. I'm not sure what it is about horses, but we all know that many barns have a high percentage of ill tempered, or conceited, or critical, or just generally not so nice folks at them. It's tough. But, like others said, if this happens to you over and over again, it might be time for self reflection.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> I found a new more private place to board. There is only one other girl there and she too is very standoffish but I am no longer trying to make friends I know I am being silly but wondered if others had issues like this



I suppose where I board, I might come off as "standoffish" to folks. I pretty much keep to myself, mind my own business, and take care of my horses. I show and compete so I usually have a plan for each right each nigh on each horse, for what I want to accomplish with training and/or conditioning. I enjoy my alone time with my horses. That's my relaxation time. 



And it's not that I don't enjoy other's company when I ride, as sometimes I will go out on a trail ride with others, or share the arena with others. But for my goals for showing and competing, it just works better if I do my own thing. 



So I just wanted to say that b/c maybe the other girl there just wants to do "her own thing" and really isn't standoffish. Just a thought!!


Or.... maybe she feels you are being standoffish and that's why she's acting standoffish.....




Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> I had a difficult time with the people at the last stable I boarded at. It was a pasture board and basically everyone out at the farm decided they were going to all dislike me. I truly don’t know what I was doing wrong. I wasn’t being the tiniest bit “grumpy”. At any rate after a year there I was so unhappy (everyone gave me the cold shoulder when I got to farm and made sure to let me know they didn’t like me) that I found a new more private place to board.



Can you be more specific? What exactly would they do to give you the "cold shoulder"?


How did they "make sure" to let you know they didn't like you?


Unless your watching the movie Mean Girls, most of the time, people usually aren't purposefully getting together to decide to pick someone not to like and to deliberatly be mean to. So I would echo some of the same questions that DreamCatcher raised. It certainly is not something pleasant to think about, but sometimes very valid.


Do you smile?
Do you wave?


You said you "weren't grumpy" .... but were you pleasant? Maybe something with your demeanor gave them the impression that you didn't like them?


Just trying to come up with ideas since none of us were there to witness it.


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

Maybe, as I have done, being new to the area with no local friends, you could find some local horsey Facebook pages & write there that you're looking for new mates to ride with. I've found a few new friends that way, just my kids are upset they're all older women, no new teen friends for them yet.


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## loosie (Jun 19, 2008)

beau159 said:


> You said you "weren't grumpy" .... but were you pleasant? Maybe something with your demeanor gave them the impression that you didn't like them?


I tend to just be friendly with people generally & if they're not to me, I try not to assume there's more to it unless it's blatantly obvious. I've become friends with people who others thought were rude or bitchy & I've found they're just shy or some such. Or naturally just have a bit of a sour or closed expression or manner. 

Or they feel that some person looks/acts too different to want to talk to them - maybe age - I know others my age who feel younger women wouldn't want to associate with them, I know young women who are amazed I want to socialize with them...


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## Caledonian (Nov 27, 2016)

I agree @*loosie* you have to get to know a person before you make a judgement. When I moved to a DIY yard, some of the boarders made it clear that one girl in particular should be avoided (they seemed to have views on everybody).

She kept to herself and never talked so I took the time to say hello to her when I was passing and she started to open up and stop for the occasional chat. It turned out that she was painfully shy and it had been made worse by the atmosphere, as she was fully aware of what was being whispered and wanted to avoid the hostility. I would say that she was driven out but it was to a better yard. 

I met her at a show many years later and she was still as quiet and nice.


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## Tracyfl7 (Dec 1, 2018)

Thank you for all your responses.

I do not know what I was doing wrong. I have never had issues with not getting along with people. I organize a hiking group and have never had problems.

I think the problem is that I am much older than the others at the farms. I just remember back in the day when I worked at horse farms in exchange for board that it was always fun and I always got along with people and respected people when older than me.

I am not confident enough to ride on my own and did not anticipate people being "cliquey" as you say. The last farm I was at there were about 5 or 6 other people. I was there for a year and tried my best to be nice.

I guess no one else that has responded has had this issue so I guess it is me.


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## Cedar & Salty (Jul 6, 2018)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> Thank you for all your responses.
> 
> I do not know what I was doing wrong. I have never had issues with not getting along with people. I organize a hiking group and have never had problems.
> 
> ...


With respect and kindness, you may want to think about getting a trainer and taking a few lessons to build your confidence.

There are all levels of riders at my barn. Most are middle aged women. There is a good deal of bitchiness and cliques, but also a good number of people who just ride and smile. 
For the most part, the more experienced are happy to offer pointers and advice to less experienced riders. 

I am probably right in the middle as far as riding experience and skill. I ride one rock solid quarter horse gelding and one slightly-above-my-paygrade, wild card, bucks on occasion, one eyed quarter horse gelding. 

I am happy to ride with less experienced riders on solid horses and give them words of encouragement and advice on what has worked for me. I am more willing and able to do this when I'm riding Solid Citizen Cedar. When I am riding Wild Card Salty, I need to pay attention and focus on my own riding.

I am happy to ride with more experienced riders on less predictable, higher performance horses. I appreciate their pointers and advice. I watch them carefully to see how they handle challenging situations or behaviors. I try to stay out of their way if things get dicey for them, or if they are doing serious training.

There are a few riders at my barn who are frighteningly overhorsed, who have come back to riding after many years off, or who are beginners who jumped in for the first time without adequate lessons or guidance. There are a few people who have shockingly poor horsemanship skills or who have crazy, unsafe horses. I stay as far away from these people as possible. They are train wrecks waiting to happen and I don't want my horses, my daughter or myself to get caught in the middle of a harmful situation.

I'm not sure where you fall in the spectrum of riders, but if you're lacking confidence, others may not be willing or able to give you the help you need to build skill and confidence. You may be better off getting professional help to build your confidence and skill so the people at your barn find riding with you a safe and pleasant experience. My guess, although I don't know for sure, is that your problem has little to do with your age, and more to do with how the riders around you perceive your experience and horsemanship.

What kind of preparation did you have before buying your horse? Tell us more about your horse and the kind of riding that you do. What kind of situations cause you to feel less confident? Where do you ride? What kind of riding do the others at your barn do? Are you and your horse a good match, or are you struggling to settle in together?

I wish you the best. Being a new horse owner can be stressful and hard. I hope you are able to settle in and enjoy your horse.


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

carshon said:


> I agree with others. What I have found is that Facebook is a great way to meet up with folks. There is a group on FB called "Old Cowgirls Never Die" and they have a log of each state with member cities and I have found this a great way to meet new like minded people to ride with.


Thanks for the tip!!!!! Did not know about that group on FB.


I really agree with the suggestion of taking a few lessons. Increasing skills and confidence is good for both horse and rider. 
I am thankful to have my horses at home. I'm afraid barn drama at a facility would drive me to crimes of violence for which I would then be in prison. As I have aged my level of tolerance for nonsense has decreased. At 55 you are just over the "kid" level. : )
I think with any group being cheerful and polite and reserved until you get a good feel for the temperament of the place is a safe plan. And I would look for a place more in line with your interests (if possible). A competitive hunter barn might not be the best place for a western trail rider.
You have come upon a really good group of people in this forum. They are knowledgeable, honest and direct.
I wish you success at your new barn and many happy hours with your horse.


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## Kalraii (Jul 28, 2015)

I read your post but couldn't respond until now. I want to say I've had your experience and some more! Exactly in this issue. I live in London, UK. I rode as a kid but never had my own horse. Nearly 30 I decided to get back into horses. I volunteered at several yards. I mucked out, I groomed, I did haynets... but that was it. I continued to pay for lessons which were going well. No matter what yard I went to I was never taught anything new. I can understand that they did not want me to practice on any of their horses but I never lied about my intentions. I wanted to learn to lunge, to drive and to work with slightly more challenging horses in a safe environment under guidance. You think they would keep their end of the agreement even after 30+ hours of free work? >.< Of course I enjoyed it but none of it would help me in eventual ownership. I never got IN with the gangs as I never competed and knew too little.... no one would coach me because I was an amateur.



So I did an apprenticeship. Well I started one anyway until my mum died and then I had to quit due to everything. I was so excited. FINALLY, if no one would coach me then by going through a formal program I could FINALLY learn something. Well... the riding establishment was actually amazing. But the staff .... talk about gangs. The other apprentice, a 16yo, was allowed to do things I wasn't all because she owned a horse. By owning a horse it seems you know everything. I know how to read a whitebord, I am literate... I am not totally stupid. But I was treated so. It soured everything. I was not even allowed to discipline a horse that would strike out or bite. You think anyone showed me how to deal with those issues? Nope.


So. Older learner I am. I lurked horse forum. I learned MORE THINGS IN ONE WEEK on this forum than I ever did volunteering. Seriously, I feel like I should be paying some people on here for their expertise and the things I've learned. I posted everything from trying out my horse to buying her to boarding her... I have no horsey friends. This forum quite literally is my support group. You might not always like what is said here but you cannot fault the honesty of the people who are looking out for her welfare. I know people here will keep me in check! In real life though, owning my first, I had to be sensible. I paid staff to purposefully fill the gaps I couldn't. To help keep her a sane citizen. To keep an eye out for any lameness issues. I always have a vet and some experts on standby for help. But they aren't friends and probably never will be. I am not "in" with the gang. In fact quite a few dislike me. I made the mistake of giving out advice - advice I was ASKED FOR, may I add. 



I would love to be able to ride with other people but that's where it ends. If I'm grooming or doing some fun groundwork and someone comes to yap in my ear for more than 5 minutes I get very irritable. I spent over 2 hours in-hand walking my mare around the trails today. Today I was reinforcing the word "careful" to help her pay more attention to her feet over tricky terrain and hope that it will translate when under saddle. A LOT of trust building and bonding in that time that wouldn't have happened if I'd been distracted by another person. 



Sorry this turned into an essay. But the biggest thing I took away from my experience as a new person to the hrose world: rely on yourself only. You need help? Pay for it. Coz I found it's rare a person IN PERSON to dish out free advice for whatever personal reasons.


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## redbadger (Nov 20, 2017)

I think it depends a lot on cultural geography and individual barns. Here in New England, evidently people not from around here see the locals as brusque, cold, and standoffish. (My choir's professional bass is of Latin descent and from Texas originally - he has some funny stories from when he first moved here and wasn't sure if the church people actually liked him or not because we are not, um, an effusive bunch.) And like others have said, horse folks may tend to be a bit shy around humans, and also busy - they have a limited amount of time to spend with their horse, and a routine they like. (a lot of guests at my gym are like this - they might appear rude on the surface, but mainly they're just goal-oriented and quite low maintenance.) If the barn you've set up at tends to skew young (teenagers and twentysomethings) then yes, the bulk of the riders may feel like they don't have much in common with someone a couple decades or so older. By the same token, a twenty-five-year old at a barn full of 40-50-60 year old women might feel very out of place themselves. If the barn is mainly focused on competition and you're not, or vice versa, same thing. 



Personally I wouldn't worry so hard about being liked by "everyone", just find one or two people to connect with. Doesn't have to be at the barn, could be a trail riding group too. I know the names of most of the boarding horses and can recognize them in the pasture, but for the life of me wouldn't recognize most of their owners if I saw them, nevermind know their names.


A good way to connect, aside from admiring someone's horse (who doesn't like to talk up their horse? it's like dogs or babies) is offering to help out if you can (it gets dark in winter so quickly here, it makes the night feed much easier to have multiple people helping out to get things done), not necessarily full-out chores but like "do you want me to fill up everyone's water while you get the hay in?" sort of thing.


For me it can be very hard to connect with others right away. As ridiculous as it sounds from a paramedic who deals in people all day, I'm actually kind of scared of people sometimes, and I'm sure I come off as rather prickly. It may just take time. You remember having a close-knit group of folks when you were younger, but how long did it take to form those connections?


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## Dustbunny (Oct 22, 2012)

Kalraii said:


> I spent over 2 hours in-hand walking my mare around the trails today. Today I was reinforcing the word "careful" to help her pay more attention to her feet over tricky terrain and hope that it will translate when under saddle. A LOT of trust building and bonding in that time that wouldn't have happened if I'd been distracted by another person. QUOTE]
> Good post and I love this part.
> I like taking my horse for a walk. Sometimes we ride out and walk back. Good time together not asking for much. In the summer we stop to eat blackberries. OP, the important thing is to enjoy your horse time.


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## ACinATX (Sep 12, 2018)

redbadger said:


> I know the names of most of the boarding horses and can recognize them in the pasture, but for the life of me wouldn't recognize most of their owners if I saw them, nevermind know their names.


I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one like this, LOL.


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## AtokaGhosthorse (Oct 17, 2016)

I was 43. Now I'm almost 46.

I rode for while with a bunch of kids, mine included. At the time mine were 13 and 17. Now they're 17 and 21 and my 21 has moved home with a 9 month old. 

I still LOVE the time I get with kids of any age, but because we have horses now, I reconnected with my middle school bff, who is now a school teacher and 46. And my husband rides too now. He's 47. He grew up as one of those punchy* kids and was 'over it' by the time we got horses, but he has the best horse of us all, his birthday present of 2 years ago - a then 5 year old mare who had lived with us since she was a scrawny greenbroke 4 year old. She's 6 now and a bad*** on the trails - Gina.

My friend and a lot of barrel racers her age all ride the Caddo National Grasslands near Bonham, TX. In three years I went from never pulled anything but a bass boat once time to buying and hauling Trigger and Sarge (My two) in a slant with an F250....

We all ride trails and camp often with our horses, and the ladies and their husbands are all my age, some are in their mid to late 60s, and a few are still teenagers. My friend's 8 year old usually goes with us on her horse. It had been the best 3 or 4 years of my life. I never dreamed I'd be back in boots and jeans, wearing spurs, and hauling all over SE Oklahoma and N. Texas and CAMPING long weekends with my horse/s.

Today - I got bucked off for the first time ever and y'know what? Good times. I'm having a celebratory and medicinal bloody mary on the back porch as I type this.

Hopefully you'll find some like minded people - I find that more important than age. I've ridden with kid-kids and grown women and men, and there's something most excellent about every one of those rides, we always have stories to tell.

Congratulations on getting a pony**!!!

_____________________________________

Punchy - here it means LETS DO THIS. Bad***, gritty, rough and ready.

Pony - here it's a generic term for any equine that's not a donkey.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

I sure to gosh hope 55 isn't old. I certainly don't feel old but then again I have 14 year old. Find a group to ride with. As others have pointed out there are FB groups that make it easy to make connections. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I feel extraordinarily blessed in that I have had two groups that I've been a part of that age doesn't seem to make a difference in socialization at the barn. I have been in some cliquey situations and found ignoring them and concentrating on my own thing meant no time to wonder and worry about their thought processes. I hope you find a group to ride with.


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> Thank you for all your responses.
> 
> I do not know what I was doing wrong. I have never had issues with not getting along with people. I organize a hiking group and have never had problems.
> 
> ...





No. I rode at another barn for a couple of years. Most everyone there showed, while all I did was trail ride. I did not find a single person who was particularly friendly. Not mean, just standoffish. It's ok, becuase I found the Honduran staff to be the nicest people there. And the horses, although they had virtually NO turnout and were kind of unhappy much of the time.


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## Zexious (Aug 2, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. ): For many of us, the barn is like a second home--there's nothing quite like "coming home" to a bunch of hostile roommates! 

Still, like others have suggested, I think the best course of action is to continue to make the best of it. I've always gotten along well with the barns I've ridden at. I'm a little on the [socially] timid/shy side, but I place a great deal of value on manners, kindness, and respect--and I believe it shows. Growing up, my mother liked to tell me to "kill'um with kindness". It's a lot more difficult to be standoffish to someone who is sugary sweet! (For most people, anyway  ).


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## redbadger (Nov 20, 2017)

ACinATX said:


> I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one like this, LOL.



Sad to say the same is true with not only the other dog owners in the neighborhood, but with a number of the kids I babysit at work. Oops. (it's a daycare room at a gym, so not the same as a regular daycare or babysitting gig). 



Gets a little awkward. "Oh! You're [x's] mom!"


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## pasomountain (Dec 19, 2018)

Speaking from my own personal experience--if you are the least little bit different in the way you act, look, speak, etc. then you will be an instant target for snobs and bullies. Being nice never helped me at all with those kind of people. They are just insecure and evil minded in my opinion and you shouldn't waste anymore time worrying about them. I think the best thing for you to do is to take some of the advice already given and get a trainer you and your horse are comfortable with. Then you might need to move your horse several more times in order to find a suitable barn--I know this is not practical but may be worth it for your peace of mind.


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## QtrBel (May 31, 2012)

@redbadger "Gets a little awkward. "Oh! You're [x's] mom!""


I always ask when parents come to pick up their kids - Which one/s are you here for? Saves the embarrassment of calling the wrong kid or them being there for the one that has football/baseball/basketball/soccer/dance/guitar/swimming/whatever and leaving all the rest behind to pick up later or send someone else after.


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## redbadger (Nov 20, 2017)

QtrBel said:


> @*redbadger* "Gets a little awkward. "Oh! You're [x's] mom!""
> 
> 
> I always ask when parents come to pick up their kids - Which one/s are you here for? Saves the embarrassment of calling the wrong kid or them being there for the one that has football/baseball/basketball/soccer/dance/guitar/swimming/whatever and leaving all the rest behind to pick up later or send someone else after.



Corollary: I have not yet reached the phase where I feel enough like an adult to call anybody's known parent by their first name if I've known their kid/dog/horse first.  I have known my buddy's mom since we were in high school - nearly 20 years later I cannot bring myself to refer to her on a first-name basis.


"Oh, you're Memphis' mom? [I have no idea what your name is] I'm Badger, one of (trainer's) students. [Please tell me your name in kind] Memphis is such a love, he's looking great now that no one else is stealing all his food. [Seriously, who are you? Maybe your name is on your workshirt.]"


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

*I have inserted my response into your text for clarity* 




Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> Thank you for all your responses.
> 
> *I do not know what I was doing wrong. I have never had issues with not getting along with people. I organize a hiking group and have never had problems.
> *
> ...


I'm still not really clear on what the issue is; what exactly are the other boarders doing, specifically that hurts your feelings?


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## WillfullyEccentric (Jun 16, 2018)

pasomountain said:


> Speaking from my own personal experience--if you are the least little bit different in the way you act, look, speak, etc. then you will be an instant target for snobs and bullies. Being nice never helped me at all with those kind of people. They are just insecure and evil minded in my opinion and you shouldn't waste anymore time worrying about them. I think the best thing for you to do is to take some of the advice already given and get a trainer you and your horse are comfortable with. Then you might need to move your horse several more times in order to find a suitable barn--I know this is not practical but may be worth it for your peace of mind.



As someone who has ADHD and some "features" of aspergers, I cannot emphasize how true this is. Holy cow. 

That said... 

OP, i'd totally ride with you if i had a beast of my own, and I"m 37. (TBQH, I honestly prefer older folks to people my own age. I don't "get" my own peer age group)


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## imagaitin (Apr 27, 2012)

Yep; I've been there. And it really is safer trail riding with another person than alone.

I think I have even posted before that I don't understand the snobbiness in the horse world. Here we all are, doing something we are suppose to be enjoying, and there is such at attitude of _"I'm better than you"_, or _"You ride THAT kind of horse, so I don't want anything to do with you"_, or _"You are the wrong age for me to associate with."_ And, I have found it with all kinds of riding disciplines.

I agree with others here who suggest looking up riding groups in your area. If you have a Backcountry Horsemen chapter close by; I have met some great people who ride with them. Sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zone in doing this, but it is well worth it.

Don't give up! Good luck to you.


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## beau159 (Oct 4, 2010)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> * I am not confident enough to ride on my own* and did not anticipate people being "cliquey" as you say. The last farm I was at there were about 5 or 6 other people.



Just trying to get more clarification from you:
Are you expecting the other boarders to help you ride?
And they don't, so you take that as them being "mean"?
Correct me if I am interpreting you wrong.


There's absolutely nothing wrong with needing some help with learning, but I would also suggest that official professional lessons might be better for you, rather than relying on acquaintences at the barn.





Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> I think the problem is that I am much older than the others at the farms. I just remember back in the day when I worked at horse farms in exchange for board that it was always fun and I always got along with people and *respected people when older than me*.





I'm interpreting that you feel they have DISREPECTED you. What have they done?


Personally, age doesn't matter to me. Whether a person is older or younger than me, I give respect and courtesy to everyone.


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## Tracyfl7 (Dec 1, 2018)

Old, Old Post but most of you were wrong.

Moved to a new place and it is Heaven and we all get aling.

Have no idea what clique was going on where I was at before. For some of you revisiting this topic I felt bad when you blamed me further except for one person. Sometimes for future reference if you don't have experience with the problem mentioned Please do not assume the person posting needs tough love and to reevaluate themselvesm


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## tinyliny (Oct 31, 2009)

I am glad you are now at a place with a good vibe. But, I'm kind of sorry you felt the need to come back just to basically tell people 'they were wrong'. 

Oh well, All's well that ends well.


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## Avna (Jul 11, 2015)

tinyliny said:


> I am glad you are now at a place with a good vibe. But, I'm kind of sorry you felt the need to come back just to basically tell people 'they were wrong'.
> 
> Oh well, All's well that ends well.


I read a lot of the posts, and they were like most threads a mix of "this was my experience" and "here's what you should do" and "sorry this is happening to you". Didn't see a lot of "it's your fault". In fact there was only one I found.

But from long experience on discussion boards I can say that for me it often takes just one irritable or blaming post to make me feel bad about the whole thread. Ironic because I am often enough the jerk who sours other people's threads, but oh well. 

I also have found that in a lot of unpleasant group situations, I struggle to figure out why, why, why, all in vain, because the answer is, because it is just the wrong set of people for me. They have a different style of interacting, different tastes, or even that the group dynamic demands that there be shunned outsiders and I got picked because I'm always kind of an odd duck.


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## LoriF (Apr 3, 2015)

I'm really happy that you found your place to be content. It happens too often that people end up dreading doing the hobby that they thought would be fun just because they are in the wrong mix of people. I guess life just throws things at you and you have to make the changes to make yourself happy. Glad that you did and now you can enjoy your horse and have fun.


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## AnitaAnne (Oct 31, 2010)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> Old, Old Post but most of you were wrong.
> 
> Moved to a new place and it is Heaven and we all get aling.
> 
> Have no idea what clique was going on where I was at before. For some of you revisiting this topic I felt bad when you blamed me further except for one person. Sometimes for future reference if you don't have experience with the problem mentioned Please do not assume the person posting needs tough love and to reevaluate themselvesm


Good to hear you are in a place that fits your needs. 

I reread all the posts and most seemed to be about tough times the posters' have had and ways you can find other horse people to ride with. Most also had helpful advice, so I'm not sure where those posts were "wrong". 

But it is nice to get a follow up to the situation. Hope you can continue to have fun with your horse.


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## mmshiro (May 3, 2017)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> Old, Old Post but most of you were wrong.
> 
> Moved to a new place and it is Heaven and we all get aling.
> 
> Have no idea what clique was going on where I was at before. For some of you revisiting this topic I felt bad when you blamed me further except for one person. Sometimes for future reference if you don't have experience with the problem mentioned Please do not assume the person posting needs tough love and to reevaluate themselvesm


This is a very odd response to give, especially considering that you are reviving an ancient post *just* to say this. You asked for opinions/advice/feedback, and you leave out all the details/examples/circumstances/context that would illustrate the nature of your problem. Then, based on incomplete information, forum members fill in the gaps based on their experience/examples/etc., basically going on a fishing expedition for you: "Is that it? Maybe this is it? How about this?"

And now, here you are, telling people not to "assume" - when you left enough gaps in your OP to leave people here no other choice *but* to assume.


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## txgirl (Jul 9, 2010)

Tracy Sullivan Raheb said:


> Old, Old Post but most of you were wrong.
> 
> Moved to a new place and it is Heaven and we all get aling.
> 
> Have no idea what clique was going on where I was at before. For some of you revisiting this topic I felt bad when you blamed me further except for one person. Sometimes for future reference if you don't have experience with the problem mentioned Please do not assume the person posting needs tough love and to reevaluate themselvesm


While you could have expanded on your situation, I felt bad for you too with the finger pointing! Glad you found a barn where you can be happy and ride.


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## PoptartShop (Jul 25, 2010)

Um, to say we were 'wrong' is a bit harsh. Most people in here weren't rude or blaming you necessarily. You didn't give us much to go off of, but okay. *shrug* 
You're at a new place, that's great, I'm glad it's working out. The fact that you came back to this post just to say that...I have no more words, just seems a bit stuck-up to me. Agreed with @mmshiro. We respond with what we have - we can't fill in gaps for you. :lol:


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## tinabeanad (Dec 27, 2018)

I thought I had responded to this post already but it must have gotten eaten!

In my years of boarding, I have come to the realization that a lot of the people, at least in my area, just like to own horses to ride with other horse ladies and gossip about people at the barn. They usually form a clique and any new comers are gossiped about. Eventually, the clique breaks up because one gossips or back stabs the other so, at my last barn, I didn't make any friends and just did my thing with my horse and left.

Although, even though I kept to myself, once I left, drama ensued because horse people, are well, NUTS!

Needless to say, I am so very happy I no longer have to board and put up with other people's crap.


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